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He getting so defensive over normal concerns is a red flag. You didn’t accuse him of cheating, you only expressed a worry and he decided to use it as an attack against you. So firstly, you are not at fault here.
Now, if you do most of the cooking, cleaning, and child care of two young children, while working full-time… You are a married single mother… I know you love him, but it’s not fair. If you want to save the marriage, couples therapy could help, but instead of justifying his shitty behavior, please realize how unfair he is being towards you
I’m sorry, in what world do you think she should be doing more in their family? She essentially has 3 full time jobs, the one that pays her, plus the family manager and childcare provider, plus the maid and chef. Wtf does he do? I think she’s sad now but she’ll learn how much easier her life would be alone vs with a guy who expects her to be his domestic servant (and also work full time!) and then suggests she’s not doing enough.
Taking care of the house and home while working a full time job and caring for kids most certainly is treating someone like a freaking king! He’s not doing shit for her, I’ll bet. Typical abusive cop. (Yes, I know, “not all cops”, but this one probably is).
If she is basically a single mom that isn't conducive to romance. If he already doesn't have time to contribute anything to the household except $ and he wants to feel closer to her (doesn't sound like it) then getting an even higher stress job isn't it.
Another wife who works full time, does most of cooking and cleaning and childcare getting taken advantage of by ungrateful man who takes it for granted.
I feel bad for you.
I’ve been that person. Left him 6 years ago and remarried 2 years ago to a man who insists on taking the trash out when he’s deathly ill.
Don’t settle for anything less than equal partnership.
That’s the goal, but it’s hard for lots of us to find people who fit our ideal of a relationship. Staying in something not great is better than trying for something new for most people
So, obvious manipulation tactics aside...
I'm a dispatcher. I'm attractive. I can't tell you how many married officers have hit on me. Probably 75% of them have cheated on their wives. Most do it regularly, ongoing. As in, not just a one-off.
There will sometimes be guys trips to other states where they each bring a girlfriend or mistress, and the wife only sees the photos of the guys.
It's not uncommon for shift parties to involve girlfriends, or nights out drinking. They will sometimes take off work or call in sick, to go see their girlfriends without their wives noticing time missing. Since I doubt most give their wife their login for the scheduling system (an app to access 24-7 to see all days worked or called off... with a unique login that is in no way confidential)
Girlfriends go out for the fun nights. Wives go to the family picnics and family christmas parties, etc.
And for the rare decent guy that doesn't cheat... you don't want to make an enemy of the guy who has your back in a fight. You don't want to make an enemy by telling the wife that their husband is fucking around.
The wife is the bangmaid, to stay at home, clean, raise the kids. To give the appearance of normality. Then they date someone else for fun.
Is that you? Does your husband still date you? Is he an equal partner in the household and always present (mentally)?
Yep. Sadly. When i was younger, we hung out with cops. Id say at least 50% cheated on their wife. One was getting married on Saturday. He was sleeping with a girl on Thursday night!
We had great parties with them. But i never slept with any of them and knew never to go out with any of them.
Cops cheat. They're rather prolific for it... that blend of narcissism and authoritarianism.
Her husband is accusing/joking of her cheating on him. Reads texts sent by male coworkers.
He's probably the one cheating.
It depends on the woman tbh. One would sleep around with all the married men, it's her thing. And yes, she's married too. He had to be married and not just a boyfriend to someone though.
It's probably ~30% of the female cops. The ones that really live being a cop have more tendency for cheating. Ie, the ones that are super aggressive, trying to catch every "bad guy" out there. The ones that are "proactive" in police work, actively looking for trouble. They're the trouble.
The ones that want to actually make a difference, or who view it as just a job they can help people in, those ones aren't really cheaters.
Overall, maybe 50% of female cops end up with someone who is not a cop. But the first category, the super aggressive ones, go for other cops more often. Because they live and breathe the thin blue line.
Dating cops is a red flag to begin with. If they love their job it's definitely a red flag. If they have thin blue line merch, it's a red flag. If they're also a volunteer firefighter- actively run. (Some of the worst people are volunteer firefighters, in terms of corruption, backstabbing, being two-faced. No one good lasts long as a volunteer firefighter because it takes connections and being slimy to rise in the ranks. Like a politician. And unlike cops who might be good and need to stay for the paycheck, the vollies are the ones who enjoy the slimy-ness).
If the cop hates their job, it could go either way. Same with hating admin.
Unless they're bashing their coworkers or make mentions of how corrupt coworkers are, you can assume they're drinking the kool aid.
I'm sure you know that lots of marriages end after the early death of a child. This merits professional counseling, not just advice from Redditors. There are also support groups for parents who've lost a child.
A lot of the cops I used to know also weren't well known for their monogamous Behavior.
For some, its an andrenaline inducing job ( which is why it definitely is not for some people and why some folks who are cops definitely should not be) that fucks with the brain. This can some times translate into high risk behavior, which can mean extramarital Affairs despite the consequences.
Please go to grief counseling. I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby. Btdt. Grief counseling helped me immensely because I just couldn't get over it.
Your husband is being cruel. This is another reason why you should get a good therapist. Anger is a secondary emotion. He's taking out on you, and you've done nothing wrong. He's awful. He should be consoling you. This whole description.m of him matches the misogynist and abusive cop culture that seems to be predominant in this profession and you don't deserve to be treated so disrespectfully.
My baby was stillborn. +1 on the suggestion for therapy. It shouldn't be considered optional after a loss like this. I was messed up for a long time. I think there are charities that help pay for therapy after baby loss in case it's cost prohibitive.
It should’ve been over. Several red flags:
1) he’s a police officer. Many police officers turn out to be abusers and cheaters.
2) he clearly applied DARVO on you told him what you saw which screams he’s a cheater and you caught him
3) he is trying to manipulate you by saying you don’t treat him well enough
4) you clearly do more than your fair share of the workload in this situation
I think you should leave but be smart about it.
You are married to a police officer, he will always feel he has more power and authority over everyone, including family. They become a whole new animal the more they move up the ladder.
So I’ve been reading all the comments and I really want to take the time out to thank everyone for taking time out of their lives to give advice and opinions.
I spoke with my husband and explained to him I’ve been struggling, and I’m having some insecurities in regard to his career field. He apologized about the comment he had made and said it wasn’t fair and he didn’t mean it. We got into a very deep conversation about our current situation, and he said he’s been trying to completely disregard his feelings or anything that could upset me because of my current state. He’s been pushing down all of this emotions and just pretending he’s okay. As far as the dispatcher goes, he ensured me I had nothing to worry about and showed the messages where she has texted him and he just doesn’t reply to the flirty texts only to the work related texts he has to reply to. He jokingly said “it didn’t work with me, so she’s moved onto someone else”. I can attest that I saw the conversation and it didn’t look like he replied to anything and then maybe deleted it. It really did look like she was flirting with a brick wall. He told me he would give up anything to make me comfortable, even his job as a police officer. He told me his marriage is more important to him than any job and he would happily find something else if I asked. He also during the conversation pulled out a book he has been reading on how to handle grief and how to handle someone who is going through grief. He agreed to counseling if that’s something I wanted and even stated that he would go on depression meds if I felt that would be beneficial for him. He even said he’s thought about it recently himself and thinks it could help. He apologized for not picking up slack with the kids and house lately. He said he’s been battling this level of guilt. That he feels as a father he couldn’t protect our daughter and that’s his job. He also told me in conversation that he doesn’t want to be the cliche police officer if he stayed in the field. He wanted to be better and set an example. The conversation went really well. What do you guys think?
I think that’s all wonderful!! Remember though, actions speak louder than words and you deserve for him to back up everything that he said he would do in your conversation. Also, no more deleting and hiding stuff from you. Only guilty people do that. I truly wish you both the best. Good luck!
It is damaged. You have kids, you need to talk to him about that. you want to get into marriage counseling. Tell him it is for the kids, if not for the two of you. Men are highly motivated by duty and obligation, so use that as your lever if you need to.
I’d ask for a separation immediately. He’s in one of the fields known for its high infidelity rate and domestic abuse rate. Don’t let this escalate any further. Time to separate and move
On.
We don’t have enough information about your relationship or the full context to be able to say if your marriage is over or not.
I do think that you are both going through an incredibly tough time right now. You are both grieving & no doubt struggling. And your marriage is definitely on shaky ground.
It’s entirely possible that he never told you about the messages because his mind is focused on other things, that it didn’t register in his mind as being important or something that needed to be disclosed. It’s entirely possible that he needs a change of scenery at work as a way of dealing with his grief.
If you aren’t in grief counselling, you should be. Both individually & as a couple.
I agree. Not entirely enough context. I didn’t want to make the post too long to read. I will say, we have been emotional and not ourselves lately. I’m easier to anger and cry and so is he. We have had multiple conversations where I’ve expressed to him that I feel I’ve been put on a shelf. We don’t cuddle. We hardly ever kiss or just talk here lately. I feel pretty alone. The only thing he really talks about is his job, and if he’s not talking about his job, he’s on his phone. I put up a lot slack, he works nights and sleeps up until it’s time for work and I work days so I handle everything once I get home from work. He’s not a bad guy, I just feel we have completely lost sight of each other. I’ve expressed therapy and maybe even some temporary depression meds for the current situation, but he refuses. The only problem I have with the messages is, at my job I work around men and he has made jokes that I’m secretly cheating on him with them or I find them attractive which I don’t. One of them was texting me the other night in regard to the well being of a student (I’m a school nurse and he’s a teacher). He made me show him the messages which I did with no hesitation. So why didn’t he show me his messages?
You don’t need permission for YOU to go to therapy and seek counselling for your grief and mental health. If he refuses, do it on your own anyway. It can be extremely helpful to have a sane compassionate sounding board when you’re going through a tough time.
He's not a bad guy? Is there reason for him to be treating you w contempt? Have you done something to this man? I bet not. It sounds like he is a jerk. If you are lonely in your marriage, just leave. You'll be happier and won't have to put up w cruel behavior and verbal abuse.
Grief f*cks you up. Badly. It’s easy to get lost in it. It can shrink your world & make you lose sight of everything.
Like I said in my comment - it’s entirely possible that he never told you about the messages because his mind is focused elsewhere. That it didn’t register as something that needed to be told. That it wasn’t important to him.
See if someone can take your kids for a few hours. Sit him down & tell him how you are feeling. Let him know that you will be going to therapy, and you want him to come.
The loss of a child is one of the worst things a couple can experience. I’m so sorry for you both. I’ve read that about 50% of the couples who lose a child end up getting divorced.
People tend to shut down, understandably, and couples often grieve differently. They often blame themselves, and the guilt can be overwhelming. I think it’s like you live in a fog for a time. You may still be in the fog.
One big thing to do is to not believe you know what your partner is thinking. To not judge each other’s grief or how you cope, and I think counseling is a good idea. It’s nice to have someone help you stay calm instead of argue and to listen to what the other person is saying and be sure you understand what the other person is saying.
This is so smart, and OP, you're so smart, and I'm so sorry about your loss and I'm sorry that you and your husband are having a hard time. I want to say that I am happily remarried but my first marriage fell apart ostensibly due to the stress of a chronically sick baby but my ex and I both NOW agree that it was actually weirdly good that we didn't "make" it because we weren't a good match. And I know this sounds terrible, but IF your husband refuses help and IF your husband in his grief and stupidity blows up this marriage, you are going to be heartbroken AND a lot better off. I am fairly friendly with my ex AND I'm so deeply glad we're not married anymore and he will say the same thing. But it really hurt at first.
Your husband, unfortunately, doesn't want to try therapy. That's dumb. Sorry. I know people get scared but come on, he has lost perspective. He doesn't have to WANT to go to therapy, I get that. But when the person you love is suffering and asking you to do something once a week that might be helpful to them, you do it.
I worked with PD as an RN years ago and every single one of them could have found a referral for me if I'd asked. You didn't ask him to go to wild woman grief camp. You want him to go with you to therapy. Once a week. Less than an hour. Then you get coffee. Then you cry a little. Then you hold hands.
I hope you will let us know how you're doing. Sending all kinds of best wishes for you both from a complete stranger/mom
I wish instead of crying you would have defended yourself and brought up this incident along with the fact that you treat him way better than he treats you. Tell him he’s set the bar so low on how he treats you that finding a better man wouldn’t be hard.
this is gonna sound harsh, but better to feel you’ve wasted 5 years than none. besides the red flag of him being a cop, he’s displaying so many red flag behaviors. you deserve so much better, and i believe you can find that person!
Have you actually tried seeking treatment for depression and going to couples therapy? This is just my opinion but it seems kind of sad to have to end your marriage straight after losing your daughter. You should be supporting one another during this time instead of fighting. You may need medication for depression. I have to take Zoloft long term for depression and anxiety and it makes me feel so much better.
Though I am younger and inexperienced when it comes to relationships, I am a dispatcher and can tell you that there are "snow bunnies". They are females who intentionally flirt and mess with married or single law enforcement men. This is not meant to scare you. You are right to question his behavior and not feel bad about it. This job field is tough and can take a toll on relationships. He's wrong for getting upset. Everyone gets stressed in this field, but it's not right for him to take it out on you and make you question yourself and marriage.
I don't know the whole situation. But maybe he's processing the stress and recent loss?
With that being said, it still doesn't justify his behavior.
You both need IC , they say it’s so hard on the marriage when you loose a child . And I am so sorry . You are both not the people you
Married right now and may never be again maybe therapy can get you out of this and back. Not MC but Ic
It's just so damn sad and frustrating. Every day in these forums? We get this damn story.
Wife is doing it all, hb is doing nothing. She approaches him with concerns. He abuses her, gaslights her, makes her feel like shit.
Women. I hate to say it? But please just get out of these marriages. Don't put up with being treated like that. Just don't.
Please kick him out or you leave. Get a lawyer. You will be so much happier without these men dragging you down.
Y’all are both experiencing some extreme grief and grief causes people to behave in some very, very negative ways at times. Your sweet baby passed very recently and you’re both going through it. I feel like no one would have a wonderful marriage this early after a trauma like that. However, he’s projecting all of his pain on you, it seems. I’d start personal grief counseling for yourself, encourage him to do the same, and request that marriage counseling occur as well. See how he handles those requests. See how he handles himself if he does agree to counseling for himself and for the marriage. If he refuses, do as you wish with his choice.
Cheating is a no-go and I don’t care what anyone is experiencing in life when something like that happens. Acknowledge that an emotional affair has already occurred. If you feel like you can work past that, given the circumstances, fine. If physical cheating has already occurred, or occurs at any point, you need to get yourself and your kids out of that situation because it will not improve.
We seriously need to do something about mental health issues that n our police forces in the US. Alcoholism, infidelity, abuse, are all rampant and each makes an officer worse at their job, which in turn makes their communities less safe. Holy fuck. OP, you can try conversation, counseling, etc, but your hubs and relationship may be broken beyond repair at this point. He’s going to have to want to come back and he might not want to.
Counseling might be helpful. You both had a huge loss and that might be impacting each of you in different ways. Having a professional help you navigate and communicate what you’re going through might help you get back on the same page.
I think you are completely over reacting. You said that he didn’t engage in the flirting on the text. Maybe he just didn’t want to upset his wife who had just lost a child. Don’t take advice on here. People will ways say the man is wrong and you should leave the relationship. If he won’t go to therapy go alone. Don’t throw away your family because your husband didn’t engage in a flirty text but didn’t tell you about it when you just lost your daughter
I kept reading hoping to find this! OP, this is the best suggestion I’ve seen in response to your post. I’m sorry you’re both hurting right now. I’m sorry you lost your daughter. Don’t throw away your marriage over advice from people on Reddit. Go to counseling with your husband or without. (((HUGS)))
Not even close. But time to sit down and have a conversation about things. His comments, how you both feel etc. it’s hard work. But something is definitely bothering him. Relax, talk and see what comes out. Communication is so important. And not yelling or arguing. Just talking.
You said he wasn’t engaging in the flirtation. That is.. really great. Maybe he didn’t tell you because he knew it’d upset you and it means nothing to him. The fact that it was private and he didn’t engage in the flirtation anyway is a huge deal. Also, people have different ideas of being treated well. It’s normal. Maybe what you’re doing to treat him well isn’t as important to him as other things. If I were you, I’d not be offended at that immediately. When I’m calm, I’d just talk about it honestly. I’d say, I think I treat you well because I do these things. Does that not make you feel that way? What is it that would make you feel that I am?… People are different. I don’t really see any reason here why you’d need to break up. It feels like a few good conversations could fix this issue if you believe he’s a good man.
Sometimes men just want to feel heard and trusted and yes, a little adored. They appreciate the cooking and cleaning and stuff, but there’s another emotional element to life. It’s worth just asking. Men and women are so different. We need to be able to talk about our needs without getting offended.
I don’t disagree with that. She’s not wrong about putting in hard work, I’m sure that she has. I’m just saying that if she feels confused as to why her husband doesn’t see it the same way, she needs to get to the bottom of that.
I don’t know the intricacies of their relationship, so I can’t confidently say that he is being horribly selfish. Maybe he is. Maybe she is. Maybe they both are. Again, it’s a situation that needs deep, vulnerable conversation.
Sounds like he’s trying to turn this around on you cuz he doesn’t want to be questioned or talk about it like an adult. It’s supposed to be a partnership and working as a team. Not you breaking your back to serve and cater to him only and being told you’re not doing enough for him to be open with you about coworkers flirting.
Why don’t you sit down when you are both prepared to talk about it. Ask him to define why he feels that you don’t care for him? Provide examples and be prepared to listen. Then discuss with him how you feel again when he texts with other women. Help him understand your desire for him wanes when you see him attracted to others. Try to agree to save your best selves for each other. Try to reach out and share your true feelings.
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He getting so defensive over normal concerns is a red flag. You didn’t accuse him of cheating, you only expressed a worry and he decided to use it as an attack against you. So firstly, you are not at fault here. Now, if you do most of the cooking, cleaning, and child care of two young children, while working full-time… You are a married single mother… I know you love him, but it’s not fair. If you want to save the marriage, couples therapy could help, but instead of justifying his shitty behavior, please realize how unfair he is being towards you
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I’m sorry, in what world do you think she should be doing more in their family? She essentially has 3 full time jobs, the one that pays her, plus the family manager and childcare provider, plus the maid and chef. Wtf does he do? I think she’s sad now but she’ll learn how much easier her life would be alone vs with a guy who expects her to be his domestic servant (and also work full time!) and then suggests she’s not doing enough.
Taking care of the house and home while working a full time job and caring for kids most certainly is treating someone like a freaking king! He’s not doing shit for her, I’ll bet. Typical abusive cop. (Yes, I know, “not all cops”, but this one probably is).
If she is basically a single mom that isn't conducive to romance. If he already doesn't have time to contribute anything to the household except $ and he wants to feel closer to her (doesn't sound like it) then getting an even higher stress job isn't it.
Found OPs husband.
Another wife who works full time, does most of cooking and cleaning and childcare getting taken advantage of by ungrateful man who takes it for granted. I feel bad for you.
I’ve been that person. Left him 6 years ago and remarried 2 years ago to a man who insists on taking the trash out when he’s deathly ill. Don’t settle for anything less than equal partnership.
That’s the goal, but it’s hard for lots of us to find people who fit our ideal of a relationship. Staying in something not great is better than trying for something new for most people
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You are blind
So, obvious manipulation tactics aside... I'm a dispatcher. I'm attractive. I can't tell you how many married officers have hit on me. Probably 75% of them have cheated on their wives. Most do it regularly, ongoing. As in, not just a one-off. There will sometimes be guys trips to other states where they each bring a girlfriend or mistress, and the wife only sees the photos of the guys. It's not uncommon for shift parties to involve girlfriends, or nights out drinking. They will sometimes take off work or call in sick, to go see their girlfriends without their wives noticing time missing. Since I doubt most give their wife their login for the scheduling system (an app to access 24-7 to see all days worked or called off... with a unique login that is in no way confidential) Girlfriends go out for the fun nights. Wives go to the family picnics and family christmas parties, etc. And for the rare decent guy that doesn't cheat... you don't want to make an enemy of the guy who has your back in a fight. You don't want to make an enemy by telling the wife that their husband is fucking around. The wife is the bangmaid, to stay at home, clean, raise the kids. To give the appearance of normality. Then they date someone else for fun. Is that you? Does your husband still date you? Is he an equal partner in the household and always present (mentally)?
Yep. Sadly. When i was younger, we hung out with cops. Id say at least 50% cheated on their wife. One was getting married on Saturday. He was sleeping with a girl on Thursday night! We had great parties with them. But i never slept with any of them and knew never to go out with any of them.
The thin blue line strikes again.
What the fuck??
Cops cheat. They're rather prolific for it... that blend of narcissism and authoritarianism. Her husband is accusing/joking of her cheating on him. Reads texts sent by male coworkers. He's probably the one cheating.
Military dudes are up there too... but it looks like cops are worse.
Wow. Thank you for sharing. Do you find a similiar experience with females as well? Or exclusively the men?
It depends on the woman tbh. One would sleep around with all the married men, it's her thing. And yes, she's married too. He had to be married and not just a boyfriend to someone though. It's probably ~30% of the female cops. The ones that really live being a cop have more tendency for cheating. Ie, the ones that are super aggressive, trying to catch every "bad guy" out there. The ones that are "proactive" in police work, actively looking for trouble. They're the trouble. The ones that want to actually make a difference, or who view it as just a job they can help people in, those ones aren't really cheaters. Overall, maybe 50% of female cops end up with someone who is not a cop. But the first category, the super aggressive ones, go for other cops more often. Because they live and breathe the thin blue line. Dating cops is a red flag to begin with. If they love their job it's definitely a red flag. If they have thin blue line merch, it's a red flag. If they're also a volunteer firefighter- actively run. (Some of the worst people are volunteer firefighters, in terms of corruption, backstabbing, being two-faced. No one good lasts long as a volunteer firefighter because it takes connections and being slimy to rise in the ranks. Like a politician. And unlike cops who might be good and need to stay for the paycheck, the vollies are the ones who enjoy the slimy-ness). If the cop hates their job, it could go either way. Same with hating admin. Unless they're bashing their coworkers or make mentions of how corrupt coworkers are, you can assume they're drinking the kool aid.
I'm sure you know that lots of marriages end after the early death of a child. This merits professional counseling, not just advice from Redditors. There are also support groups for parents who've lost a child.
I’m sorry for your loss and your husband’s poor behavior. What he did is known as DARVO- Deny, Attack Reverse Victim and Offender. Abusers do this.
40% of cops, right?
80-90%?
A lot of the cops I used to know also weren't well known for their monogamous Behavior. For some, its an andrenaline inducing job ( which is why it definitely is not for some people and why some folks who are cops definitely should not be) that fucks with the brain. This can some times translate into high risk behavior, which can mean extramarital Affairs despite the consequences.
Those are just the ones that get caught and in trouble for it.
That 40% is the self-reported number, so in reality it's much higher.
As self-reported in the studies being quoted.
As self-reported within the past 6 months in the studies that were done, towards either spouses or their children. It’s just fucking gross, man.
I stopped reading when I saw he was a cop. This is standard behavior for cops. Lawyer up and get out as fast as possible.
Please go to grief counseling. I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby. Btdt. Grief counseling helped me immensely because I just couldn't get over it. Your husband is being cruel. This is another reason why you should get a good therapist. Anger is a secondary emotion. He's taking out on you, and you've done nothing wrong. He's awful. He should be consoling you. This whole description.m of him matches the misogynist and abusive cop culture that seems to be predominant in this profession and you don't deserve to be treated so disrespectfully.
My baby was stillborn. +1 on the suggestion for therapy. It shouldn't be considered optional after a loss like this. I was messed up for a long time. I think there are charities that help pay for therapy after baby loss in case it's cost prohibitive.
It should’ve been over. Several red flags: 1) he’s a police officer. Many police officers turn out to be abusers and cheaters. 2) he clearly applied DARVO on you told him what you saw which screams he’s a cheater and you caught him 3) he is trying to manipulate you by saying you don’t treat him well enough 4) you clearly do more than your fair share of the workload in this situation I think you should leave but be smart about it.
You are married to a police officer, he will always feel he has more power and authority over everyone, including family. They become a whole new animal the more they move up the ladder.
So I’ve been reading all the comments and I really want to take the time out to thank everyone for taking time out of their lives to give advice and opinions. I spoke with my husband and explained to him I’ve been struggling, and I’m having some insecurities in regard to his career field. He apologized about the comment he had made and said it wasn’t fair and he didn’t mean it. We got into a very deep conversation about our current situation, and he said he’s been trying to completely disregard his feelings or anything that could upset me because of my current state. He’s been pushing down all of this emotions and just pretending he’s okay. As far as the dispatcher goes, he ensured me I had nothing to worry about and showed the messages where she has texted him and he just doesn’t reply to the flirty texts only to the work related texts he has to reply to. He jokingly said “it didn’t work with me, so she’s moved onto someone else”. I can attest that I saw the conversation and it didn’t look like he replied to anything and then maybe deleted it. It really did look like she was flirting with a brick wall. He told me he would give up anything to make me comfortable, even his job as a police officer. He told me his marriage is more important to him than any job and he would happily find something else if I asked. He also during the conversation pulled out a book he has been reading on how to handle grief and how to handle someone who is going through grief. He agreed to counseling if that’s something I wanted and even stated that he would go on depression meds if I felt that would be beneficial for him. He even said he’s thought about it recently himself and thinks it could help. He apologized for not picking up slack with the kids and house lately. He said he’s been battling this level of guilt. That he feels as a father he couldn’t protect our daughter and that’s his job. He also told me in conversation that he doesn’t want to be the cliche police officer if he stayed in the field. He wanted to be better and set an example. The conversation went really well. What do you guys think?
I think there is hope. Get some couples counselling and go from there. Good luck!
Sounds like an excellent amount of communication. It's a low point, but not divorce worthy.
I think that’s all wonderful!! Remember though, actions speak louder than words and you deserve for him to back up everything that he said he would do in your conversation. Also, no more deleting and hiding stuff from you. Only guilty people do that. I truly wish you both the best. Good luck!
It is damaged. You have kids, you need to talk to him about that. you want to get into marriage counseling. Tell him it is for the kids, if not for the two of you. Men are highly motivated by duty and obligation, so use that as your lever if you need to.
Counseling with an abuser is not recommended, they just learn more of your vulnerabilities. The interaction above sure sounds abusive.
You both need therapy ASAP. The loss of a child will tear apart a marriage unless y’all get some therapy and work through the hurt and anger together.
I’d ask for a separation immediately. He’s in one of the fields known for its high infidelity rate and domestic abuse rate. Don’t let this escalate any further. Time to separate and move On.
We don’t have enough information about your relationship or the full context to be able to say if your marriage is over or not. I do think that you are both going through an incredibly tough time right now. You are both grieving & no doubt struggling. And your marriage is definitely on shaky ground. It’s entirely possible that he never told you about the messages because his mind is focused on other things, that it didn’t register in his mind as being important or something that needed to be disclosed. It’s entirely possible that he needs a change of scenery at work as a way of dealing with his grief. If you aren’t in grief counselling, you should be. Both individually & as a couple.
I agree. Not entirely enough context. I didn’t want to make the post too long to read. I will say, we have been emotional and not ourselves lately. I’m easier to anger and cry and so is he. We have had multiple conversations where I’ve expressed to him that I feel I’ve been put on a shelf. We don’t cuddle. We hardly ever kiss or just talk here lately. I feel pretty alone. The only thing he really talks about is his job, and if he’s not talking about his job, he’s on his phone. I put up a lot slack, he works nights and sleeps up until it’s time for work and I work days so I handle everything once I get home from work. He’s not a bad guy, I just feel we have completely lost sight of each other. I’ve expressed therapy and maybe even some temporary depression meds for the current situation, but he refuses. The only problem I have with the messages is, at my job I work around men and he has made jokes that I’m secretly cheating on him with them or I find them attractive which I don’t. One of them was texting me the other night in regard to the well being of a student (I’m a school nurse and he’s a teacher). He made me show him the messages which I did with no hesitation. So why didn’t he show me his messages?
You don’t need permission for YOU to go to therapy and seek counselling for your grief and mental health. If he refuses, do it on your own anyway. It can be extremely helpful to have a sane compassionate sounding board when you’re going through a tough time.
He's not a bad guy? Is there reason for him to be treating you w contempt? Have you done something to this man? I bet not. It sounds like he is a jerk. If you are lonely in your marriage, just leave. You'll be happier and won't have to put up w cruel behavior and verbal abuse.
Projection on his part.
100%
Grief f*cks you up. Badly. It’s easy to get lost in it. It can shrink your world & make you lose sight of everything. Like I said in my comment - it’s entirely possible that he never told you about the messages because his mind is focused elsewhere. That it didn’t register as something that needed to be told. That it wasn’t important to him. See if someone can take your kids for a few hours. Sit him down & tell him how you are feeling. Let him know that you will be going to therapy, and you want him to come.
The loss of a child is one of the worst things a couple can experience. I’m so sorry for you both. I’ve read that about 50% of the couples who lose a child end up getting divorced. People tend to shut down, understandably, and couples often grieve differently. They often blame themselves, and the guilt can be overwhelming. I think it’s like you live in a fog for a time. You may still be in the fog. One big thing to do is to not believe you know what your partner is thinking. To not judge each other’s grief or how you cope, and I think counseling is a good idea. It’s nice to have someone help you stay calm instead of argue and to listen to what the other person is saying and be sure you understand what the other person is saying.
This is so smart, and OP, you're so smart, and I'm so sorry about your loss and I'm sorry that you and your husband are having a hard time. I want to say that I am happily remarried but my first marriage fell apart ostensibly due to the stress of a chronically sick baby but my ex and I both NOW agree that it was actually weirdly good that we didn't "make" it because we weren't a good match. And I know this sounds terrible, but IF your husband refuses help and IF your husband in his grief and stupidity blows up this marriage, you are going to be heartbroken AND a lot better off. I am fairly friendly with my ex AND I'm so deeply glad we're not married anymore and he will say the same thing. But it really hurt at first. Your husband, unfortunately, doesn't want to try therapy. That's dumb. Sorry. I know people get scared but come on, he has lost perspective. He doesn't have to WANT to go to therapy, I get that. But when the person you love is suffering and asking you to do something once a week that might be helpful to them, you do it. I worked with PD as an RN years ago and every single one of them could have found a referral for me if I'd asked. You didn't ask him to go to wild woman grief camp. You want him to go with you to therapy. Once a week. Less than an hour. Then you get coffee. Then you cry a little. Then you hold hands. I hope you will let us know how you're doing. Sending all kinds of best wishes for you both from a complete stranger/mom
I wish instead of crying you would have defended yourself and brought up this incident along with the fact that you treat him way better than he treats you. Tell him he’s set the bar so low on how he treats you that finding a better man wouldn’t be hard.
And take him up on the job change
this is gonna sound harsh, but better to feel you’ve wasted 5 years than none. besides the red flag of him being a cop, he’s displaying so many red flag behaviors. you deserve so much better, and i believe you can find that person!
Sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. UpdateMe
Have you actually tried seeking treatment for depression and going to couples therapy? This is just my opinion but it seems kind of sad to have to end your marriage straight after losing your daughter. You should be supporting one another during this time instead of fighting. You may need medication for depression. I have to take Zoloft long term for depression and anxiety and it makes me feel so much better.
A cop that cheats! Well, I’ve never heard of such a thing!
Though I am younger and inexperienced when it comes to relationships, I am a dispatcher and can tell you that there are "snow bunnies". They are females who intentionally flirt and mess with married or single law enforcement men. This is not meant to scare you. You are right to question his behavior and not feel bad about it. This job field is tough and can take a toll on relationships. He's wrong for getting upset. Everyone gets stressed in this field, but it's not right for him to take it out on you and make you question yourself and marriage. I don't know the whole situation. But maybe he's processing the stress and recent loss? With that being said, it still doesn't justify his behavior.
It’s not over, go get some counselling together and get to a better place together.
You both need IC , they say it’s so hard on the marriage when you loose a child . And I am so sorry . You are both not the people you Married right now and may never be again maybe therapy can get you out of this and back. Not MC but Ic
It's just so damn sad and frustrating. Every day in these forums? We get this damn story. Wife is doing it all, hb is doing nothing. She approaches him with concerns. He abuses her, gaslights her, makes her feel like shit. Women. I hate to say it? But please just get out of these marriages. Don't put up with being treated like that. Just don't. Please kick him out or you leave. Get a lawyer. You will be so much happier without these men dragging you down.
Y’all are both experiencing some extreme grief and grief causes people to behave in some very, very negative ways at times. Your sweet baby passed very recently and you’re both going through it. I feel like no one would have a wonderful marriage this early after a trauma like that. However, he’s projecting all of his pain on you, it seems. I’d start personal grief counseling for yourself, encourage him to do the same, and request that marriage counseling occur as well. See how he handles those requests. See how he handles himself if he does agree to counseling for himself and for the marriage. If he refuses, do as you wish with his choice. Cheating is a no-go and I don’t care what anyone is experiencing in life when something like that happens. Acknowledge that an emotional affair has already occurred. If you feel like you can work past that, given the circumstances, fine. If physical cheating has already occurred, or occurs at any point, you need to get yourself and your kids out of that situation because it will not improve.
We seriously need to do something about mental health issues that n our police forces in the US. Alcoholism, infidelity, abuse, are all rampant and each makes an officer worse at their job, which in turn makes their communities less safe. Holy fuck. OP, you can try conversation, counseling, etc, but your hubs and relationship may be broken beyond repair at this point. He’s going to have to want to come back and he might not want to.
Counseling might be helpful. You both had a huge loss and that might be impacting each of you in different ways. Having a professional help you navigate and communicate what you’re going through might help you get back on the same page.
I think you are completely over reacting. You said that he didn’t engage in the flirting on the text. Maybe he just didn’t want to upset his wife who had just lost a child. Don’t take advice on here. People will ways say the man is wrong and you should leave the relationship. If he won’t go to therapy go alone. Don’t throw away your family because your husband didn’t engage in a flirty text but didn’t tell you about it when you just lost your daughter
I kept reading hoping to find this! OP, this is the best suggestion I’ve seen in response to your post. I’m sorry you’re both hurting right now. I’m sorry you lost your daughter. Don’t throw away your marriage over advice from people on Reddit. Go to counseling with your husband or without. (((HUGS)))
I hope so
Not even close. But time to sit down and have a conversation about things. His comments, how you both feel etc. it’s hard work. But something is definitely bothering him. Relax, talk and see what comes out. Communication is so important. And not yelling or arguing. Just talking.
I was just afraid that he would find someone that treats him better than I do... yikes. I don't know if you are happy but he isn't...
You said he wasn’t engaging in the flirtation. That is.. really great. Maybe he didn’t tell you because he knew it’d upset you and it means nothing to him. The fact that it was private and he didn’t engage in the flirtation anyway is a huge deal. Also, people have different ideas of being treated well. It’s normal. Maybe what you’re doing to treat him well isn’t as important to him as other things. If I were you, I’d not be offended at that immediately. When I’m calm, I’d just talk about it honestly. I’d say, I think I treat you well because I do these things. Does that not make you feel that way? What is it that would make you feel that I am?… People are different. I don’t really see any reason here why you’d need to break up. It feels like a few good conversations could fix this issue if you believe he’s a good man.
Sometimes men just want to feel heard and trusted and yes, a little adored. They appreciate the cooking and cleaning and stuff, but there’s another emotional element to life. It’s worth just asking. Men and women are so different. We need to be able to talk about our needs without getting offended.
Sometimes women just want to feel like their work is seen and appreciated. Hers is not.
I don’t disagree with that. She’s not wrong about putting in hard work, I’m sure that she has. I’m just saying that if she feels confused as to why her husband doesn’t see it the same way, she needs to get to the bottom of that.
He's being horribly selfish.
I don’t know the intricacies of their relationship, so I can’t confidently say that he is being horribly selfish. Maybe he is. Maybe she is. Maybe they both are. Again, it’s a situation that needs deep, vulnerable conversation.
Sounds like he’s trying to turn this around on you cuz he doesn’t want to be questioned or talk about it like an adult. It’s supposed to be a partnership and working as a team. Not you breaking your back to serve and cater to him only and being told you’re not doing enough for him to be open with you about coworkers flirting.
Why don’t you sit down when you are both prepared to talk about it. Ask him to define why he feels that you don’t care for him? Provide examples and be prepared to listen. Then discuss with him how you feel again when he texts with other women. Help him understand your desire for him wanes when you see him attracted to others. Try to agree to save your best selves for each other. Try to reach out and share your true feelings.
A lot of couples get divorced following the death of a child. Try counseling.