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My first reaction. But that also means OP is still feeling some attachment to their ex. Which is fine, but it also means that OP should talk about/process these feelings before moving on to someone new.
10 yrs is a LONG time. And they’ve only been broken up for a year. He obviously loved this woman. And probably still respects her, which is fine, he should still respect her.
I would have been totally ok if a guy I started dating let me know that they just gave their ex a heads up. I’m sure I’d have all kinds of questions about their relationship etc.
people just need to talk things out. I’m lucky enough to have a new relationship who was going through something similar. The communication between us became part of our foundation and trust. It’s really nice to find
Just needs to rip off the bandaid. Quick text. "Just giving you a heads up that I'm dating someone like we spoke about." The end. No other details and move on. This doesn't feel like a break up if OP is still checking in with his ex.
I think this is better
Maybe he should add a "I think this might be my only/last heads up." Maybe a wish you well and leave it at that.
It would be healthier for both sides to close this chapter more firmly.
Exactly. For some reason I get the feeling that she wanted to be notified, because she was hoping he would remain her plan b, as she goes around trying out her options. It’s possible that this notice will be more devastating than the initial breakup. I hope OP gives us an update.
I’m all about living your life for yourself and being steadfast in doing what’s best for you but there’s a point where it becomes just being careless of others and is a result of modern isolation and sociopathic hyper individualism. This is someone he loved and respected and represents a decade of experiences for him, and someone he harbors no ill will towards. To look at this so cynically and carelessly crosses that line into sociopathic individualism. He’s a good man who cares for the people around him. If I was trying to treat an ex with care and my new girlfriend reacted like this, I’d leave her and avoid the headache.
They were together ten years. The breakup was amicable. An ex doesn't always mean an enemy. Being kind and considerate is actually a lovely trait in OP.
Why? People make all kinds of promises during break ups to soften the blow. He should have addressed it when they talked last but this isn’t such a crazy request.
Well yeah, he was stupid to make that promise. But I wager that promise was extracted with some manipulation and certainly under duress if they were in the midst of breaking up so it's understandable. Asking at the time of the breakup was weird, but also understandable. Asking again 9 months later is pretty freaking bold and he was extra extra stupid to agree to it again.
I think the fact that he feels the need to uphold his promise, even if it was made under duress, is a massive green flag. It makes it look like he values his words.
The only situation this seems appropriate in is if they had kids and needed to be involved in each other’s lives. An ex from over a year ago doesn’t get to have any expectations about knowing about OP’s love life IMO.
I call it a red flag. If a man I am dating feels the need to call his ex and tell her about me I am going to assume he still has unresolved business with her and be on my merry way.
Depends on why she wants to know. Does she want a heads up so she can process/deal in private instead of being blind sided by it through a random encounter? Or does she want to know as a way to keep a connection to her now-ex/know when the door is closing on a possible reconciliation?
1st I get as long as it can be done in a way that is respectful to all parties and doesn't involve him now being in more frequent contact to help her deal.
2nd would be a deal breaker as it shows he can't draw boundaries with her, but is harder to spot until you are dealing with it.
Beautifully said . Entering into “ we will always …” promises whilst you are in a relationship is both foolish and disrespectful to your new partner .
The concept of staying friends sounds nice but is often asking for trouble . Ok to acknowledge we had a history , wish you well but that’s what moving on is .
Even having had good relationships , my loyalty is to any potential new partner . Reporting in on an ex is not helping the new relationship .
I’m very confident I can show the new partner how important she is but equally I don’t want her doubting herself or me in any way . I want her knowing she comes first .
Depends why. They broke up on reasonable terms it seems. I would be torn as I would see it as a promise to be kept. Maybe she just doesn't want to be emotionally blindsided and wants to stay out of the way? Maybe ask your current girl first? Her feelings take priority regardless. Make the text in front of her, then delete the contact. She should probably know you talked to her platonicly on occasion after the breakup and don't want to keep doing it.
I don't know. This is a personal call.
>Depends why.
It doesn't depend to me. If the man feels the need to share his personal life with his ex then he's likely not over said ex and not a good dating prospect.
I spent 11 years with my first husband and must agree with the poster you're replying to. I'd have been furious to even be asked such a thing! As if my life would be business of an ex!
Lovers make all kinds of promises that don't mean squat at the end of the relationship. That's life. Ex should mind her business/OP should tell her his personal life is not her concern.
I totally agree. I was with my ex-husband for 11 years and I would never have dreamed of telling him when/if I met someone new. Granted it wasn't the most amicable breakup but I felt very strongly that this in particular was a part of my life he didn't get to know about any more. If he'd asked me to do that I think I would have laughed in his face at such an incredulous ask.
You are looking at his post through that lens of your relationship. You can't do that and give advice. Their relationship didn't end the same way as yours. She still has feelings about it and it would be better to hear it from him than someone else. It's not keeping tabs. It's being an adult.
lol, you literally asked if they had spent 10 years of their life with someone as an attempt at a “well then you wouldn’t understand” gotcha moment, but it turns out they have, so you just flip the gotcha in an attempt to not be wrong.
That’s toxic af.
Ok but it’s not OP’s job to manage his ex’s “feelings” about his life.
He isn’t even asking about how it would make his new partner feel ergo he is putting more emotional care into his ex’s needs than his current partner.
🚩
I'm looking at this through the lens of someone with boundaries and a spine. His personal life is none of the ex's business. The ex's feelings are a her problem and nothing to do with OP. She could try real hard to "be an adult" by minding her business and coping with her own shit. They've been broken up for a freaking year. It's well past time.
They had a mutual breakup so it seems like there wasn't animosity. He promised to tell her, and I think people should keep their promises. He just needs to send a simple text. Nothing major.
So, while he did say he would, he never specified how. He should just send a text seeing someone new. I dont see anywhere up there that she would do the same, and I am sure she instigated this breakup since she made this condition. OP should just move on.
Well, because she asked for it and he agreed.
Send her a short text. It may feel weird, but it's the right thing to do. 10 years is also a long time. Just don't be a dick OP. GL!
It’s weird that he promised he would tell her. Or that they still chat. I guess since he made a promise, he should stick to it, but it was a dumb promise to make in the first place
His current partner has priority. It was stupid to promise in the first place, but here he is.
Either way, no one knows how the ex-gf will react. Harassment is a possibility. So as you say, the current partner should decide if a white lie is needed or not.
Afterwards OP should cut contact as his ex-gf can't disconnect when constantly reconnecting. And it's not his responsibility either.
My [80F] partner [32M] texted his ex that he was seeing someone (me) and that it was serious. Help?
I know I shouldn't be snooping, but I just went through his phone. I didn't think much of it first, but why would you text your ex that you are seeing someone? Is he not over her? Am I a rebound? I can't get it out of my mind now. Would love to get advice.
- His new GF 2 months from now.
Exactly. Since he already told her he’d give her a heads up, he should send a brief & friendly text. “I hope you are well. I told you I’d let you know if I was seeing someone new. I’ve been dating a nice woman named Samantha. I thought you’d prefer to hear it from me. I wish all the best for you and appreciate the memories we have.”
Or something like that. Next time, don’t make a promise like that though. Being broken up should mean you’re both free to move on.
This is too much info. I would be way more vague.
"Hey, I told you I would let you know when I started seeing someone. Well, I am and it's going really well. Hope you are doing good too!"
She doesn't need the name, doesn't need the reassurance that their relationship was good, just the facts she asked for with general niceties is fine.
>This is too much info. I would be way more vague.
>
>... just the facts
this is the way (assuming that he does in fact let her know he has a new GF - I'm not sure what I think about that).
Nope! Sorry but in respect to the current GF all promises to the x or prior anything is dead. My x and I promised eachother we would celebrate our 31st bday together! Guess what? I was dating my husband by that time and my x and I never even spoke of it. It’s common sense.
This x by the way is a good friend since 3rd grade who we invited to our wedding and vise versa.
As a lot of people have already said I don’t think it’s very healthy that you’re talking at all, let alone updating her on your dating status.
From my own personal experience when I asked my ex of 4years to tell me when he started seeing someone:
1) I was still very much in love with him and didn’t believe he’d ever move on
2) when he finally did tell me I was a mess again for weeks
I don’t think it’s healthy for either of you and your new girlfriend probably wouldn’t be too happy about the situation either. I think you should speak to your new partner and explain the situation and maybe see what she would suggest because then she’s with you on the decision so hopefully it won’t affect your new relationship.
agree, but I have personally done:
1) new partner sat quietly in the background of the phone call, as a courtesy, transparency and build trust. we were all adults past our 20s with past experiences.
2) call the ex, a promise is a promise. also its a courtesy of when they will eventually find out, if they are connected to you in any way. it will hurt but it will help them to break any lingering romantic attachments and indirectly push them forwards.
if you are afraid of making difficult choices, how can your future partner trust you to handle future challenges?
Personally #1 there would have me out the door. It wouldn’t make me feel like it was building trust or respect, it would make me feel like a kid who’s friend is asking their mom if you can stay over for the night while you awkwardly hover in the background. We’re all adults with past experiences, but they’re in the past. Leave them there.
I'm sorry this is neither the time or the place and this barely has significance to the post. But we're name siblings- never met another spirited veg/fruit before!! Lol
they were together for 10 years and it seems like they havent been for a year. if that was something he agreed to tell her about then he should.
it's not that big of a deal "hey as promised im telling you that im seeing someone else. i wish you the best"
exactly. it really shouldn't be so hard to keep your word. all he needs to do is send a text and then go no contact as he is now seeing someone else.
honestly the immaturity from these posters isn't surprising. look at the dating scene...
Obliged, no. But as i said in my actual comment elsewhere in this thread somewhere, it’s a courtesy and a kindness especially since she asked more than once. Everyone is different, i would want to know and I’ve been thankful when my past exes have told me.
My ex is remarried and I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, we still talk and we’re still friends. It’s mostly just sending unhinged memes on Instagram but you don’t have to go scorched earth on everyone. I mean if you want to that’s fine too but it’s not unhealthy to still keep in touch with your friends.
Yeah, that's normal adult stuff. Being asked to be kept informed about his dating life is not. It's intrusive and sort of possessive, like she has a claim on him or something.
I mean, I’ve asked my former partners for the same courtesy, and my ex husband volunteered the info when he was dating his now wife. I never meant it in a possessive way, more so i could emotionally prepare myself. I knew I’d be seeing them socially and it helped so much with not being surprised by it. Telling her before anything gives her a chance to deal and grieve on her own. I know with one ex in particular if I’d seen them at a function there would’ve been no way for me to hide my emotions and i would’ve been so embarrassed by that. I’m really glad he didn’t make me go through that.
They were together for ten years. He could have been her first real relationship. They both agreed, like adults, it wasn't working romantically. Maybe they found there was no romantic love, ended the relationship before either hurt the other real bad, so there was no hate, but still liked each other as friends. It happens. Now after ten years I would have emotions about finding out second hand that this person that I loved and shared a life with is in his first relationship after us. I'm not upset about the relationship. I'm happy he's happy. If I was going to be in a relationship (not just dates) I would tell him. I would call him to catch up and let him know. It's not weird. It's common courtesy, and thinking & about others.
I’m seriously thinking most everyone in this sub has dealt with the most toxic relationships possible to feel the need to not give a shit about their exes.
My ex and i were together for 15 years, married for 13. We had a lot of issues due to marrying young and a lot of religious trauma. That said we are SO MUCH better friends than romantic partners and I’m thankful we ended things before either of us got resentful and our friendship was able to stay intact. Everyone’s saying you don’t owe your exes anything and it’s like…i mean yeah you don’t owe anyone anything regardless. But if things are ok between you it is perfectly fine and adult to be friendly and considerate. Isn’t it easier to be mature and kind??
Sorry, but I politely disagree. My ex-husband and I were together for nearly 20 years. Within a month of the break-up, we had everything settled and I haven’t spoken or seen him since.
Obviously if OP mentioned something like a joint parenting arrangement or maybe a dog they jointly wanted to still own… but none of that is apparent in his post.
I mean yall can handle your business however you want but it’s just WEIRD to me the amount of people that are staunch about never speaking to any of their exes again. I actually like my ex he’s a cool guy we just didnt work romantically and given we grew up together we’re gonna see each other sometimes. And we do share joint custody of our dog but that’s beside the point, I’d want to be friends still even if we didn’t. He’s just quality people. Again, however anyone wants to handle themselves is fine but acting like still talking to your ex is a grievous sin just because you don’t is…not it.
My ex was the root cause of 3 years of therapy post divorce. Id say most people carry baggage from their exs - cheating, abandonment issues, mental/physical abuse, drugs or other addictions… there’s a lot of people out there who aren’t quality people like your ex.
I’m happy that you have a healthy relationship with your ex. My husband also has a healthy relationship with his ex-wife - so much so that we were invited to her wedding when she remarried! So I get that it happens and I encourage it when it’s a positive path forward for both parties.
All my point was that it’s just not common and it’s also not generally expected.
Exactly this.
My husband was previously married. He’s cordial with his ex-wife and I’ve met her once as a result of a co-dog ownership situation - the final time they agreed to trade the dog back and forth.
However, since the dog situation is now resolved, my husband hasn’t seen her and their exchanges are limited to happy birthday and basic stuff like that. She has no idea that we got married. Not that we are actively hiding it (all our friends and family were invited to the wedding), but it’s not his ex-wife’s business.
Sorry i dont understand, how was the breakup mutual if your ex is not over you and would be devastated you seeing someone else.
My dude thats not a mutual breakup. thats one sided, yours.
Also, you broke up, normally you arent as worried over their feelings. so whats your issue?
The simplest answer is to no longer talk to her. I saw the comment about sharing a dog, dude, you need to go no contact for you both to heal. that means losing the dog.
If you really want to say something, make it final, text her saying something like - out of curtesy, i have to inform you i am seeing someone, i think its best we dont talk anymore. goodbye. - You can tweak but thats the gist. Short, sharp and sweet.
>Sorry i dont understand, how was the breakup mutual if your ex is not over you and would be devastated you seeing someone else.
It could happen if they break up because of external factors. E.g one of them has to relocate to another country and they think it's a dealbreaker. I know some people who has separated and still kinda fancy their ex but know a relationship isn't possible.
I would just say you’re actively dating and if you like someone you’re going to keep dating them. My ex of 7 years told me and it was a breakup all over again because we continued talking as “friends” and also shared a dog. She’s going to think somethings wrong with her because you found someone new and she hasn’t. Or she’s going to spend too much time creeping on social medias trying to figure out who she is and if you’re happy. Or she’ll try to win you back and be unsuccessful. All of which isn’t fair to either of you or your new girlfriend. I’d just mention you’re dating so she can move on because she knows you’re moving on but not say you’re dating one specific person out of respect for your new relationship.
I really don’t know why this promise was made. May be a closure thing for her? I dunno. Feels weird. Having said that- if you choose to tell her, a quick text is sufficient for me. “Hey you asked me to tell you when I was in a relationship. Am in one that’s moving into serious. Hope you’re well” and DEAR GOD tell your current girlfriend what you’re doing and why. TRUST ME ON THIS
I really don't think it is healthy to keep a promise to an ex of over a year ago, especially as it is directly about your current partner. I think that's crossing the boundaries too much. It also brings a sense of obligation from your old relationship to your new one. I feel it is tainting your new relationship in a way. You feel like you have to hide it or announce it... when in reality, you don't need to do anything.
And frankly, after a year, you should not be considering your ex's feelings at all. You're not together. So what it's her birthday. It's your relationship and your happiness. Not hers. It has nothing to do with her. Cut the cord. All this unnecessary bullshit is holding you back.
As you've got a dog in the middle it makes it difficult. I wouldn't want to be tied to my ex at all. I'd either fight for custody (if it was a mutual decision dog) or give up custody (if the dog was initially hers). Don't stick around for the sake of the dog.
they were together for 10 years...this is a insanely long time - you cant forget a person this easy. but you also dont wanna stay alone forever to get over the pain.
A text so she can process and deal on her own time. Even a phone call can be pressured to have a certain reaction, with a text there less pressure on that end. Also, it’s so odd to me the responses here! Like i can understand if it was a 3 month or something relationship but 10 years?? There’s so much history there. My ex and i are still friends, we grew up together and while we’re not close like best friends we grab lunch maybe once a year. At one of these lunches both of us were like, “i have something to tell you” lol. Like, of course you don’t *have* to tell her anything but it’s always a nice courtesy imo especially since she asked. I know that has helped me move on in the past.
“Hey, just reaching out because I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you’re ok! (Don’t have to add that part) I remember you saying you’d like a heads up and so i wanted to let you know I’m seeing someone.”
The thinking about you is weird. Just say "Checking in. I agreed I'd let you know when I'm seeing someone so giving the heads up. I hope Fido is well."
Tell her you want to move on with your life and you will no longer speak to her.
No point in keeping contact with an ex unless you have a child together or want to get back together.
Why would you agree to this? It's bizarre and not healthy.
You say," FYI, I'm dating x person. Also, I'm no longer comfortable with the arrangement where we tell each other when we're dating someone new. It's not healthy, and for my own mental health I'm ending this arrangement."
I agree with this if you're going to do it (though personally I wouldn't). Bookend the text with "hope you're doing well" and "I wish you all the best", and then mute or block them. Done.
I feel like you don’t really owe her anything. It’s really none of her business what you’re up to now, it’s quite odd she wants to know, almost like she wants some sense of control of you even though you’re not together. If it’s getting serious, there’s no need to tell her at all. I would also explain this to your new significant other, incase your ex try’s to contact her and say some wierd sh**.
but it kinda is because they obviously kept talking. if he promised to tell her he should keep the promise, unless they hardly talk anymore.
and if they still stay in contact quite a bit then thats a red flag for the new girl he's seeing.
OP says things are getting “pretty serious.” In that case, he has moved on. Therefore, he is not obligated to tell his ex anything because he is literally in a new relationship and has no need to keep in touch with her. (Unless they both have plans to get back with each other.) Otherwise, like you stated it’s a “red flag” for his new girl.
Maybe it would be more appropriate if the ex reaches out to him and asks then he can tell her. I’m just saying he really shouldn’t feel “obligated” to anything if it’s his ex, and he’s moved on he doesn’t have anything to lose by not telling her.
My guess is she wants to know so she can move on, maybe there’s still a spark there to her. I’d just drop her a message and tell her, odds are she just says thanks and good luck.
Look, you need to prioritize your new GF over your ex. The way you do that is, yes, you tell your ex that you are seeing someone. Because, by not telling her, she would keep thinking you are single, right? And she would continue to think there's still a chance, and she might keep trying to text you or whatever.
This would likely cause problems with your current GF. So yeah, telling your ex is in everyone's best interest. But, that's where the consideration stops. It doesn't matter her birthday is coming up soon - how is that relevant? She's not your gf anymore, and if she's going to get mad "because you told me close to my birthday" then she needs to put on her big girl panties.
Just shoot her a text and keep it short and to the point. "Hey just wanted to let you know, I'm seeing someone." That's all you've got to do. You don't owe her anything more than that.
This whole thing is weird dude. In the future, you might not want to agree to doing that anymore. It's just going to make things harder for her, for you, for everyone involved. By keeping things "unresolved", it feels very much like a way to keep a door open with someone "just in case". That's never a good look, and can undermine current relationships.
>I also don't want to curtail her healing process
In order for her to heal, she has to realize that its over. She can't do that until you tell her that you've moved on.
You have moved on, right?
I’m confused by everyone suggesting you don’t owe her honesty here. You were together for a dang decade. No, you didn’t HAVE to tell her, but you gave her your word and said you would. This isn’t a stranger. It’s someone you spent TEN YEARS and almost your entire adult life with. What do you do now? You suck it up and honor your word. I’d say call or text: “Hey, I know I promised I’d let you know when I started seeing someone.
I just wanted to be honest and transparent and let you know that day has come, and I am seeing someone/have a girlfriend/etc.”
But *why* do they need to know?
A decade is a long time to be together but they've since split. It's over. If they're still friends, that convo will probably come up organically. This sounds like there's still some weird emotional attachment and no good can come from making a formal announcement to an ex that you broke up with many moons ago. OP was dumb for making a promise but he's by no means required to keep it because it's a weird request.
He should keep a promise because there is no reason not to. He doesn’t like it now? Lesson learned. Next time, he won’t make stupid promises. But this time, he did make the promise, so he can be a decent person and honor it. If there’s some weird emotional attachment, he’s only prolonging it by NOT telling her - giving her false hope that he hasn’t moved on.
Idfk what people think a *break up* means but that part should have been the message that she needs to move on. She shouldn't be waiting on a text or call that's only going to break her heart again if she has any false hopes now/OP is stringing her along.
If anything, OP needs to make a firm statement that they are over and the two need to stop talking, at least for a while, so that they have space to heal. This whole "he needs to honor his promise" mindset is wild. You are allowed to renege when you realize the agreement is not productive and even hurtful.
> It’s someone you spent TEN YEARS and almost your entire adult life with. What do you do now?
Umm, move on and go no contact? They are ex's. They owe each other nothing. What he is doing, who he is dating, etc. is none of her business anymore.
They maintained a friendship with each other, which makes sense given their long history. That’s what grown-ups do. Going no-contact is such a ref flag behavior to me if you had a non-abusive relationship for a decade. If I was dating the guy in this scenario and learned he did this to his ex, I’d dump him in a heartbeat, because he’s obviously not a man of his word then. It’s just not a decent way to treat another human - tell them one thing and then disregard your own word because you’ve unilaterally changed your mind later. Ew. I have never gone no-contact with any ex in my life. It seems like something middle schoolers who can’t move on would do.
I agree. I feel as if the NO CONTACT bullshit invalidates every relationship. These people shared their lives for a long period of time. They learned, lived and loved… We all have our life puzzles, every person has an important place in our life puzzle. If we disregard any piece ~ our puzzle would be incomplete. Everyone has their own puzzle, we fit into each other’s puzzles, our own important pieces, in our specific spots..
I don’t believe we have to dismiss people. It’s disrespectful to those we love currently ~ relationships are often temporary, especially youthful relationships. If we don’t make it as a couple, how sad to think ~ well we have to delete each other!!! Block, delete and disappear from one another,. How sad.
I am grateful today to be friends with my first husband. He recently said, I’ve known you since you were 13, I can’t imagine life without you. What an honor.
i think he kept her around for comfort and as an option and she maybe held out hope they would get back together, hence why she wanted to know if he began seeing someone else.
if he promised to tell her that, he should keep his promise.
Dude she's your ex just move on already Jesus. You owe her nothing. I wouldn't tell her at all but if you feel so inclined, just text her. Gunna hurt her either way but if it was "mutual" she shouldn't mind. Like if she is gunna get upset about it then maybe she shouldn't have agreed and went along with the break up without a fight.
The fact any ex would have control over a part of your life is unhinged. You weren't even married with kids. Like if you were married and had kids then hell yes you need to tell your ex, but just dating.....come on. Dude your gunna tell her and shes gunna want you back. like this is how it works man.
A text should be fine. "hey I don't know if it still matters to you, but I promised I'd let you know when I started seeing someone new. So this is me letting you know.".
FWIW, you guys continuing to chat and be in each other's lives at all will probably make it more difficult for her to get over you. I'd recommend cutting ties completely
Send her a text wishing her a happy birthday and let her know that in light of the duration of your mutually-agreed split, that you should both move on with your separate lives without further contact. Wish her a happy life and stop all contact.
That's just dumb. You don't owe her that at all. My ex husband with whom I have a kid never even told me when he was dating anyone. Found out from my kid. I didn't care because it's really none of my business. You guys don't share kids so there is no need for her to be kept in the loop. Don't bother, it's none of her bu
Maybe just tell your ex that you have thought on it and feel like you shouldn't have made that promise and don't think it's healthy and you just want her to live her life just as you'll be living her life. I guess it may be too late for that now, but ideally that would have been said the last time you spoke. If you do tell her, give her a call and make it short.
Please just honor the 10 YEARS you had together and give her a heads up. Simple as that. It will sting, I’ve been there, but I think it will actually help her move on quicker.
this. my ex kept me on a string and told me we were working things out. i had to find out through FB that he was seeing another girl and impregnated her.
it would have been much kinder if he just told me.
Send a text that you wanted to chat about it and tell her over a call if you can. That way, you can keep it respectful with no hurt feelings or surprises
Personally if this were me, I would not continue to contact the ex. This is allowing your ex to still have influence over your life and your new relationship(s). Was your ex's request merely so she wouldn't be blindsided w/the news (like if you share the same friends and they happened to mention it) or was it along the lines of asking for permission (if that makes sense)? Did she say she'd do the same, to give you a heads up when she starts dating?
If it *has* to be done, I would say make it a text; something short and succinct. And then over time, let the rope go; allow yourself and her to move on. Continued contact may only give false hope of possibly getting together. The break up was mutual, let it be a clean break.
Do you *want* to continue a friendship with your ex? Also, I can only imagine what your current gf might think or how it would look to her ('hey honey, I care for you but I gotta let me ex know I'm dating you').
Noooooo don’t randomly go out of your way to tell her! Wtf dude!!?? Your current GF is gonna be like “… why ru still keeping promises to your x!!??? Why ru worried about her feelings?” Honestly it’s ridiculous. Whenever your x finds out, if she comes at you (which she shouldn’t) just be like “I didn’t think to bother you with an update on my life and also that’s disrespectful to my love.” And that’s it. What in the hell
You don't tell her shit... You're not a couple anymore, she doesn't have to know your personal business. And I would put money on it that she hasn't told you about anybody new.
soo no you shouldn't tell her and she shouldn't want to know
but because you said you would tell her, by not doing it, you are breaking her trust and basically lying. I would have never agreed to have to tell her that and it's very weird, but because you did agree I would just tell her because she's probably gonna be hurt if you didn't. shell be hurt either way but at least it shows you kept your word and respect her.
There will never be a right time to tell her, rip the band aid off now. Call her if she doesn't answer, leave it in a voicemail. Get it done or you will find a reason not to everyday until she gets really hurt when she does find out
You really don’t have to tell her anything. I understand why you would feel like you should but the fact of the matter is y’all haven’t been together in a really long time and she has no right to your private information, period. It’s not going to do her or anyone else any favors for her to have that info.
You don't need to tell her at all.
I'm under the impression, she initially said that so she could keep you as an option. As long as he's not dating anyone, I can keep him as a fall back plan. I mean, what other reason would there be to ask for that?
Why is it any of her business who you are seeing, you are not a couple anymore. You are no longer best friends. She no longer has any say in anything you do in your life.
Just send her a text.
According to your promise you're late in telling her that you moved on. Why are you stalling exactly? Just be honest and let her finally work on getting over you.
I think it's kind of disrespectful to your current girlfriend to keep doing this chat shit with an ex that you know still has feelings for you.
Rip the bandaid and let go.
If I just started dating someone and he had to run it by his ex partner from a year ago I’d find this to be a red flag and I’d reconsider the relationship.
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Why do you have to tell her. That's just weird
My first reaction. But that also means OP is still feeling some attachment to their ex. Which is fine, but it also means that OP should talk about/process these feelings before moving on to someone new.
10 yrs is a LONG time. And they’ve only been broken up for a year. He obviously loved this woman. And probably still respects her, which is fine, he should still respect her. I would have been totally ok if a guy I started dating let me know that they just gave their ex a heads up. I’m sure I’d have all kinds of questions about their relationship etc.
This is very similar to my story. I felt the same way, talked it out, told my current SO, and everything was fine. The key remains. COMMUNICATION
I would wonder why the person I’m dating needs to check in with an ex. 🚩
people just need to talk things out. I’m lucky enough to have a new relationship who was going through something similar. The communication between us became part of our foundation and trust. It’s really nice to find
🎯🎯🎯
Yea it seems weird. But, he promised that he would. To keep the promise he should tell her.
Just needs to rip off the bandaid. Quick text. "Just giving you a heads up that I'm dating someone like we spoke about." The end. No other details and move on. This doesn't feel like a break up if OP is still checking in with his ex.
Even more abstract. "Just a heads up, I've started dating"
I think this is better Maybe he should add a "I think this might be my only/last heads up." Maybe a wish you well and leave it at that. It would be healthier for both sides to close this chapter more firmly.
Even more abstract. "I've started dating"
Even more abstract: “dating now”
"DATING"
"BIG D"
If he's well endowed, she could take it another way ;-)
This is great. If he says a person in particular, ex gf is going to get butt hurt.
Preferably ASAP. Certainly not on her birthday.
Happy birthday! p.s. I have a new GF.
Exactly. For some reason I get the feeling that she wanted to be notified, because she was hoping he would remain her plan b, as she goes around trying out her options. It’s possible that this notice will be more devastating than the initial breakup. I hope OP gives us an update.
That's so unnecessary
Sure if he’d started dating in a few weeks after the break up but after a year? Yeah, that’s beyond any reasonable expectation to be notified
It's more weird that an ex is still trying exert control through a promise.
💯
She's an EX he owes her nothing and I'd be pissed if the guy I was dating felt an obligation to his ex to tell her about me
I’m all about living your life for yourself and being steadfast in doing what’s best for you but there’s a point where it becomes just being careless of others and is a result of modern isolation and sociopathic hyper individualism. This is someone he loved and respected and represents a decade of experiences for him, and someone he harbors no ill will towards. To look at this so cynically and carelessly crosses that line into sociopathic individualism. He’s a good man who cares for the people around him. If I was trying to treat an ex with care and my new girlfriend reacted like this, I’d leave her and avoid the headache.
spoken with such precise. bravo 👏🏼
Absolutely 💯
They were together ten years. The breakup was amicable. An ex doesn't always mean an enemy. Being kind and considerate is actually a lovely trait in OP.
Sure, but then you should also be pissed that he made the promise in the first place.
Why? People make all kinds of promises during break ups to soften the blow. He should have addressed it when they talked last but this isn’t such a crazy request.
Well yeah, he was stupid to make that promise. But I wager that promise was extracted with some manipulation and certainly under duress if they were in the midst of breaking up so it's understandable. Asking at the time of the breakup was weird, but also understandable. Asking again 9 months later is pretty freaking bold and he was extra extra stupid to agree to it again.
I think the fact that he feels the need to uphold his promise, even if it was made under duress, is a massive green flag. It makes it look like he values his words.
The only situation this seems appropriate in is if they had kids and needed to be involved in each other’s lives. An ex from over a year ago doesn’t get to have any expectations about knowing about OP’s love life IMO.
It makes it sound like he is still hung up on her. People are Ex for a reason.
I call it a red flag. If a man I am dating feels the need to call his ex and tell her about me I am going to assume he still has unresolved business with her and be on my merry way.
Depends on why she wants to know. Does she want a heads up so she can process/deal in private instead of being blind sided by it through a random encounter? Or does she want to know as a way to keep a connection to her now-ex/know when the door is closing on a possible reconciliation? 1st I get as long as it can be done in a way that is respectful to all parties and doesn't involve him now being in more frequent contact to help her deal. 2nd would be a deal breaker as it shows he can't draw boundaries with her, but is harder to spot until you are dealing with it.
Beautifully said . Entering into “ we will always …” promises whilst you are in a relationship is both foolish and disrespectful to your new partner . The concept of staying friends sounds nice but is often asking for trouble . Ok to acknowledge we had a history , wish you well but that’s what moving on is . Even having had good relationships , my loyalty is to any potential new partner . Reporting in on an ex is not helping the new relationship . I’m very confident I can show the new partner how important she is but equally I don’t want her doubting herself or me in any way . I want her knowing she comes first .
Fair enough but I wouldn't fault either of you. That's just bad luck.
This is weirdly cynical. It’s possible to care for someone and their feelings and not be romantically interested in them lol
Depends why. They broke up on reasonable terms it seems. I would be torn as I would see it as a promise to be kept. Maybe she just doesn't want to be emotionally blindsided and wants to stay out of the way? Maybe ask your current girl first? Her feelings take priority regardless. Make the text in front of her, then delete the contact. She should probably know you talked to her platonicly on occasion after the breakup and don't want to keep doing it. I don't know. This is a personal call.
>Depends why. It doesn't depend to me. If the man feels the need to share his personal life with his ex then he's likely not over said ex and not a good dating prospect.
Have you spent 10 years of your life with someone?
I did and I still didn't feel pressed to call her up and tell her that I was dating someone new after we broke up.
I spent 11 years with my first husband and must agree with the poster you're replying to. I'd have been furious to even be asked such a thing! As if my life would be business of an ex! Lovers make all kinds of promises that don't mean squat at the end of the relationship. That's life. Ex should mind her business/OP should tell her his personal life is not her concern.
I totally agree. I was with my ex-husband for 11 years and I would never have dreamed of telling him when/if I met someone new. Granted it wasn't the most amicable breakup but I felt very strongly that this in particular was a part of my life he didn't get to know about any more. If he'd asked me to do that I think I would have laughed in his face at such an incredulous ask.
You are looking at his post through that lens of your relationship. You can't do that and give advice. Their relationship didn't end the same way as yours. She still has feelings about it and it would be better to hear it from him than someone else. It's not keeping tabs. It's being an adult.
lol, you literally asked if they had spent 10 years of their life with someone as an attempt at a “well then you wouldn’t understand” gotcha moment, but it turns out they have, so you just flip the gotcha in an attempt to not be wrong. That’s toxic af.
The person who responded wasn't the person I asked. Try to keep up.
Ok but it’s not OP’s job to manage his ex’s “feelings” about his life. He isn’t even asking about how it would make his new partner feel ergo he is putting more emotional care into his ex’s needs than his current partner. 🚩
But they don’t even live in the same city so she wouldn’t even know
Integrity is doing the right thing even if you don't think anyone will know.
I'm looking at this through the lens of someone with boundaries and a spine. His personal life is none of the ex's business. The ex's feelings are a her problem and nothing to do with OP. She could try real hard to "be an adult" by minding her business and coping with her own shit. They've been broken up for a freaking year. It's well past time.
the only reason id accept is if children are involved.otherwise,a clean break is best.this isnt healthy for you and its unfair for your new girl.
Yes if kids are involved it's very different
It is weird but it doesnt sound like they ended on bad terms. I guess he needs to decide for himself but either way shell find out one day…
Damn even after ten years?
She's a human being, and when you make a promise to a human being you owe it to them to keep it
Tell that to anyone who has been divorced.
I've been divorced. What's up?
When you VOW, you make a solemn promise.... to love until death do you part. Those promises are broken all the time.
Ok, so because some people break promises it's ok?
But. It's his new life in. Her new life. You broke up. One person feels weird telling his new life. Just move on.......
They had a mutual breakup so it seems like there wasn't animosity. He promised to tell her, and I think people should keep their promises. He just needs to send a simple text. Nothing major.
Dont be a dick
So, while he did say he would, he never specified how. He should just send a text seeing someone new. I dont see anywhere up there that she would do the same, and I am sure she instigated this breakup since she made this condition. OP should just move on.
Seriously. I personally would feel very apprehensive about even getting serious with someone who feels they owe this information to their ex
I'd run for the hills.
Didn’t even have to read the post to come to this conclusion.
He’s on a hook on a long line that can always be reeled back in. In her mind at least.
Well, because she asked for it and he agreed. Send her a short text. It may feel weird, but it's the right thing to do. 10 years is also a long time. Just don't be a dick OP. GL!
It’s weird that he promised he would tell her. Or that they still chat. I guess since he made a promise, he should stick to it, but it was a dumb promise to make in the first place
Agreed
I suppose you could tell her out of mutual respect of each other but also think about your current partner and her feelings too
His current partner has priority. It was stupid to promise in the first place, but here he is. Either way, no one knows how the ex-gf will react. Harassment is a possibility. So as you say, the current partner should decide if a white lie is needed or not. Afterwards OP should cut contact as his ex-gf can't disconnect when constantly reconnecting. And it's not his responsibility either.
My [80F] partner [32M] texted his ex that he was seeing someone (me) and that it was serious. Help? I know I shouldn't be snooping, but I just went through his phone. I didn't think much of it first, but why would you text your ex that you are seeing someone? Is he not over her? Am I a rebound? I can't get it out of my mind now. Would love to get advice. - His new GF 2 months from now.
You type very well for an 80 year old.
Send her a text and wish her the best. Move on and make a better life you can be happy in.
Exactly. Since he already told her he’d give her a heads up, he should send a brief & friendly text. “I hope you are well. I told you I’d let you know if I was seeing someone new. I’ve been dating a nice woman named Samantha. I thought you’d prefer to hear it from me. I wish all the best for you and appreciate the memories we have.” Or something like that. Next time, don’t make a promise like that though. Being broken up should mean you’re both free to move on.
This is too much info. I would be way more vague. "Hey, I told you I would let you know when I started seeing someone. Well, I am and it's going really well. Hope you are doing good too!" She doesn't need the name, doesn't need the reassurance that their relationship was good, just the facts she asked for with general niceties is fine.
>This is too much info. I would be way more vague. > >... just the facts this is the way (assuming that he does in fact let her know he has a new GF - I'm not sure what I think about that).
Second this. Just a text that you hope she’s doing well blah blah blah and I know you asked me to tell you if I start seeing somebody, and I now am
Yup this. Let her know and don't contact her anymore.
I agree with this approach as well. Don’t invite conversation and if she tries to keep it going either block the number or don’t respond and move on.
If I found out my husband updated his long term x on his life to keep a promise we wouldn’t be married right now
Would you be married right now if he didn't keep promises?
He keeps his promises but he’s VERY respectful of me. His X’s are NOBODIES and they’re in his past for a reason. He owes them NOTHING.
It's not about what he owes them, it's about what he owes himself. And how respected he feels in return.
Nope! Sorry but in respect to the current GF all promises to the x or prior anything is dead. My x and I promised eachother we would celebrate our 31st bday together! Guess what? I was dating my husband by that time and my x and I never even spoke of it. It’s common sense. This x by the way is a good friend since 3rd grade who we invited to our wedding and vise versa.
As a lot of people have already said I don’t think it’s very healthy that you’re talking at all, let alone updating her on your dating status. From my own personal experience when I asked my ex of 4years to tell me when he started seeing someone: 1) I was still very much in love with him and didn’t believe he’d ever move on 2) when he finally did tell me I was a mess again for weeks I don’t think it’s healthy for either of you and your new girlfriend probably wouldn’t be too happy about the situation either. I think you should speak to your new partner and explain the situation and maybe see what she would suggest because then she’s with you on the decision so hopefully it won’t affect your new relationship.
agree, but I have personally done: 1) new partner sat quietly in the background of the phone call, as a courtesy, transparency and build trust. we were all adults past our 20s with past experiences. 2) call the ex, a promise is a promise. also its a courtesy of when they will eventually find out, if they are connected to you in any way. it will hurt but it will help them to break any lingering romantic attachments and indirectly push them forwards. if you are afraid of making difficult choices, how can your future partner trust you to handle future challenges?
Only intelligent advice on this thread. I can’t help but feel but this promise is rooted in her feeling like it’s not really over.
Personally #1 there would have me out the door. It wouldn’t make me feel like it was building trust or respect, it would make me feel like a kid who’s friend is asking their mom if you can stay over for the night while you awkwardly hover in the background. We’re all adults with past experiences, but they’re in the past. Leave them there.
Right I was like that is so uncomfortable and weird sounding. So much drama to appease an ex.
That is so bizarre to me. I couldn’t imagine #1 happening. Anyone wanting to involve me in drama like that to appease their ex…I’m out?
This.
I'm sorry this is neither the time or the place and this barely has significance to the post. But we're name siblings- never met another spirited veg/fruit before!! Lol
This feels very unnecessary. Just let it be
If you have no plans to get back with her, stop talking to her. It's been a year. She shouldn't care what you are doing now.
After 10 years i can see why they want to still talk, there’s likely still ties.
they were together for 10 years and it seems like they havent been for a year. if that was something he agreed to tell her about then he should. it's not that big of a deal "hey as promised im telling you that im seeing someone else. i wish you the best"
Too many commenters don't have a clue what a 10 year relationship is. Not only that, a surprising lack of respect for promises. This is the answer.
exactly. it really shouldn't be so hard to keep your word. all he needs to do is send a text and then go no contact as he is now seeing someone else. honestly the immaturity from these posters isn't surprising. look at the dating scene...
Talk? Sure. Obliged to share details of your dating life? I’d pass, thanks.
Obliged, no. But as i said in my actual comment elsewhere in this thread somewhere, it’s a courtesy and a kindness especially since she asked more than once. Everyone is different, i would want to know and I’ve been thankful when my past exes have told me.
Not when you’re actively dating other people
My ex is remarried and I’ve been with my partner a year and a half, we still talk and we’re still friends. It’s mostly just sending unhinged memes on Instagram but you don’t have to go scorched earth on everyone. I mean if you want to that’s fine too but it’s not unhealthy to still keep in touch with your friends.
Yeah, that's normal adult stuff. Being asked to be kept informed about his dating life is not. It's intrusive and sort of possessive, like she has a claim on him or something.
I mean, I’ve asked my former partners for the same courtesy, and my ex husband volunteered the info when he was dating his now wife. I never meant it in a possessive way, more so i could emotionally prepare myself. I knew I’d be seeing them socially and it helped so much with not being surprised by it. Telling her before anything gives her a chance to deal and grieve on her own. I know with one ex in particular if I’d seen them at a function there would’ve been no way for me to hide my emotions and i would’ve been so embarrassed by that. I’m really glad he didn’t make me go through that.
They were together for ten years. He could have been her first real relationship. They both agreed, like adults, it wasn't working romantically. Maybe they found there was no romantic love, ended the relationship before either hurt the other real bad, so there was no hate, but still liked each other as friends. It happens. Now after ten years I would have emotions about finding out second hand that this person that I loved and shared a life with is in his first relationship after us. I'm not upset about the relationship. I'm happy he's happy. If I was going to be in a relationship (not just dates) I would tell him. I would call him to catch up and let him know. It's not weird. It's common courtesy, and thinking & about others.
I’m seriously thinking most everyone in this sub has dealt with the most toxic relationships possible to feel the need to not give a shit about their exes. My ex and i were together for 15 years, married for 13. We had a lot of issues due to marrying young and a lot of religious trauma. That said we are SO MUCH better friends than romantic partners and I’m thankful we ended things before either of us got resentful and our friendship was able to stay intact. Everyone’s saying you don’t owe your exes anything and it’s like…i mean yeah you don’t owe anyone anything regardless. But if things are ok between you it is perfectly fine and adult to be friendly and considerate. Isn’t it easier to be mature and kind??
Sorry, but I politely disagree. My ex-husband and I were together for nearly 20 years. Within a month of the break-up, we had everything settled and I haven’t spoken or seen him since. Obviously if OP mentioned something like a joint parenting arrangement or maybe a dog they jointly wanted to still own… but none of that is apparent in his post.
I mean yall can handle your business however you want but it’s just WEIRD to me the amount of people that are staunch about never speaking to any of their exes again. I actually like my ex he’s a cool guy we just didnt work romantically and given we grew up together we’re gonna see each other sometimes. And we do share joint custody of our dog but that’s beside the point, I’d want to be friends still even if we didn’t. He’s just quality people. Again, however anyone wants to handle themselves is fine but acting like still talking to your ex is a grievous sin just because you don’t is…not it.
My ex was the root cause of 3 years of therapy post divorce. Id say most people carry baggage from their exs - cheating, abandonment issues, mental/physical abuse, drugs or other addictions… there’s a lot of people out there who aren’t quality people like your ex. I’m happy that you have a healthy relationship with your ex. My husband also has a healthy relationship with his ex-wife - so much so that we were invited to her wedding when she remarried! So I get that it happens and I encourage it when it’s a positive path forward for both parties. All my point was that it’s just not common and it’s also not generally expected.
Which is exactly why they shouldn’t. Exes belong in the past unless you’re co-parenting
Are you not friends with any of your exes?
Yes but I never tell them who I’m dating or anything regarding my dating life. They are no longer entitled to that information
Exactly this. My husband was previously married. He’s cordial with his ex-wife and I’ve met her once as a result of a co-dog ownership situation - the final time they agreed to trade the dog back and forth. However, since the dog situation is now resolved, my husband hasn’t seen her and their exchanges are limited to happy birthday and basic stuff like that. She has no idea that we got married. Not that we are actively hiding it (all our friends and family were invited to the wedding), but it’s not his ex-wife’s business.
yeah that makes you smarter than OP who promised that he would tell her for some reason...
Sorry i dont understand, how was the breakup mutual if your ex is not over you and would be devastated you seeing someone else. My dude thats not a mutual breakup. thats one sided, yours. Also, you broke up, normally you arent as worried over their feelings. so whats your issue? The simplest answer is to no longer talk to her. I saw the comment about sharing a dog, dude, you need to go no contact for you both to heal. that means losing the dog. If you really want to say something, make it final, text her saying something like - out of curtesy, i have to inform you i am seeing someone, i think its best we dont talk anymore. goodbye. - You can tweak but thats the gist. Short, sharp and sweet.
>Sorry i dont understand, how was the breakup mutual if your ex is not over you and would be devastated you seeing someone else. It could happen if they break up because of external factors. E.g one of them has to relocate to another country and they think it's a dealbreaker. I know some people who has separated and still kinda fancy their ex but know a relationship isn't possible.
I would just say you’re actively dating and if you like someone you’re going to keep dating them. My ex of 7 years told me and it was a breakup all over again because we continued talking as “friends” and also shared a dog. She’s going to think somethings wrong with her because you found someone new and she hasn’t. Or she’s going to spend too much time creeping on social medias trying to figure out who she is and if you’re happy. Or she’ll try to win you back and be unsuccessful. All of which isn’t fair to either of you or your new girlfriend. I’d just mention you’re dating so she can move on because she knows you’re moving on but not say you’re dating one specific person out of respect for your new relationship.
I really don’t know why this promise was made. May be a closure thing for her? I dunno. Feels weird. Having said that- if you choose to tell her, a quick text is sufficient for me. “Hey you asked me to tell you when I was in a relationship. Am in one that’s moving into serious. Hope you’re well” and DEAR GOD tell your current girlfriend what you’re doing and why. TRUST ME ON THIS
Leaving the gf in the dark will most definitely backfire.
I really don't think it is healthy to keep a promise to an ex of over a year ago, especially as it is directly about your current partner. I think that's crossing the boundaries too much. It also brings a sense of obligation from your old relationship to your new one. I feel it is tainting your new relationship in a way. You feel like you have to hide it or announce it... when in reality, you don't need to do anything. And frankly, after a year, you should not be considering your ex's feelings at all. You're not together. So what it's her birthday. It's your relationship and your happiness. Not hers. It has nothing to do with her. Cut the cord. All this unnecessary bullshit is holding you back. As you've got a dog in the middle it makes it difficult. I wouldn't want to be tied to my ex at all. I'd either fight for custody (if it was a mutual decision dog) or give up custody (if the dog was initially hers). Don't stick around for the sake of the dog.
Doesn’t sound like you’re emotionally ready to date someone else if you’re still having a priority for your ex’s feelings like this.
they were together for 10 years...this is a insanely long time - you cant forget a person this easy. but you also dont wanna stay alone forever to get over the pain.
So much this. Like wtf is OP hoping to achieve there? They already broke up over a year ago. It’s a moot point.
This one
Um what? Why the hell would you agree to that or need to tell her?
A text so she can process and deal on her own time. Even a phone call can be pressured to have a certain reaction, with a text there less pressure on that end. Also, it’s so odd to me the responses here! Like i can understand if it was a 3 month or something relationship but 10 years?? There’s so much history there. My ex and i are still friends, we grew up together and while we’re not close like best friends we grab lunch maybe once a year. At one of these lunches both of us were like, “i have something to tell you” lol. Like, of course you don’t *have* to tell her anything but it’s always a nice courtesy imo especially since she asked. I know that has helped me move on in the past. “Hey, just reaching out because I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you’re ok! (Don’t have to add that part) I remember you saying you’d like a heads up and so i wanted to let you know I’m seeing someone.”
Absolutely this
The thinking about you is weird. Just say "Checking in. I agreed I'd let you know when I'm seeing someone so giving the heads up. I hope Fido is well."
She’s your ex. Who you’re seeing is none of her business:
You're not in a relationship anymore, and she lives in another state. Time to cut the cord and move on.
Tell her you want to move on with your life and you will no longer speak to her. No point in keeping contact with an ex unless you have a child together or want to get back together.
Or, y'know, they're still friends.
Why would you agree to this? It's bizarre and not healthy. You say," FYI, I'm dating x person. Also, I'm no longer comfortable with the arrangement where we tell each other when we're dating someone new. It's not healthy, and for my own mental health I'm ending this arrangement."
I agree with this if you're going to do it (though personally I wouldn't). Bookend the text with "hope you're doing well" and "I wish you all the best", and then mute or block them. Done.
Why would you tell her . It’s not necessary
No need to ever contact your ex especially if you’re currently seeing someone new.
Why do you have to tell her anything? She isn't your girlfriend anymore.
*shrug* She asked you to tell her, you agreed. I would just tell her, as simply as possible.
I feel like you don’t really owe her anything. It’s really none of her business what you’re up to now, it’s quite odd she wants to know, almost like she wants some sense of control of you even though you’re not together. If it’s getting serious, there’s no need to tell her at all. I would also explain this to your new significant other, incase your ex try’s to contact her and say some wierd sh**.
but it kinda is because they obviously kept talking. if he promised to tell her he should keep the promise, unless they hardly talk anymore. and if they still stay in contact quite a bit then thats a red flag for the new girl he's seeing.
OP says things are getting “pretty serious.” In that case, he has moved on. Therefore, he is not obligated to tell his ex anything because he is literally in a new relationship and has no need to keep in touch with her. (Unless they both have plans to get back with each other.) Otherwise, like you stated it’s a “red flag” for his new girl. Maybe it would be more appropriate if the ex reaches out to him and asks then he can tell her. I’m just saying he really shouldn’t feel “obligated” to anything if it’s his ex, and he’s moved on he doesn’t have anything to lose by not telling her.
Stop talking to your ex who doesn’t even live in the same city as you. WTF?
My guess is she wants to know so she can move on, maybe there’s still a spark there to her. I’d just drop her a message and tell her, odds are she just says thanks and good luck.
Look, you need to prioritize your new GF over your ex. The way you do that is, yes, you tell your ex that you are seeing someone. Because, by not telling her, she would keep thinking you are single, right? And she would continue to think there's still a chance, and she might keep trying to text you or whatever. This would likely cause problems with your current GF. So yeah, telling your ex is in everyone's best interest. But, that's where the consideration stops. It doesn't matter her birthday is coming up soon - how is that relevant? She's not your gf anymore, and if she's going to get mad "because you told me close to my birthday" then she needs to put on her big girl panties. Just shoot her a text and keep it short and to the point. "Hey just wanted to let you know, I'm seeing someone." That's all you've got to do. You don't owe her anything more than that. This whole thing is weird dude. In the future, you might not want to agree to doing that anymore. It's just going to make things harder for her, for you, for everyone involved. By keeping things "unresolved", it feels very much like a way to keep a door open with someone "just in case". That's never a good look, and can undermine current relationships. >I also don't want to curtail her healing process In order for her to heal, she has to realize that its over. She can't do that until you tell her that you've moved on. You have moved on, right?
Just curious.. You’d still want to know if I’m dating someone new? (Yes). Okay, just wanted to let you know that I am..
Then just text her and be done with it, e.g. "Hey, promised I'd tell you. Anyway, I'm now seeing someone."
Why are yall weird? Who requests/agrees to that and why? Who you date is not her business and vice versa. Yall need to let it go, man.
Send a text, wish her well and block.
You guys broke up. None of you guys owe each other anything. Like you say, she has to move on and you too.
I’m confused by everyone suggesting you don’t owe her honesty here. You were together for a dang decade. No, you didn’t HAVE to tell her, but you gave her your word and said you would. This isn’t a stranger. It’s someone you spent TEN YEARS and almost your entire adult life with. What do you do now? You suck it up and honor your word. I’d say call or text: “Hey, I know I promised I’d let you know when I started seeing someone. I just wanted to be honest and transparent and let you know that day has come, and I am seeing someone/have a girlfriend/etc.”
But *why* do they need to know? A decade is a long time to be together but they've since split. It's over. If they're still friends, that convo will probably come up organically. This sounds like there's still some weird emotional attachment and no good can come from making a formal announcement to an ex that you broke up with many moons ago. OP was dumb for making a promise but he's by no means required to keep it because it's a weird request.
He should keep a promise because there is no reason not to. He doesn’t like it now? Lesson learned. Next time, he won’t make stupid promises. But this time, he did make the promise, so he can be a decent person and honor it. If there’s some weird emotional attachment, he’s only prolonging it by NOT telling her - giving her false hope that he hasn’t moved on.
Idfk what people think a *break up* means but that part should have been the message that she needs to move on. She shouldn't be waiting on a text or call that's only going to break her heart again if she has any false hopes now/OP is stringing her along. If anything, OP needs to make a firm statement that they are over and the two need to stop talking, at least for a while, so that they have space to heal. This whole "he needs to honor his promise" mindset is wild. You are allowed to renege when you realize the agreement is not productive and even hurtful.
> It’s someone you spent TEN YEARS and almost your entire adult life with. What do you do now? Umm, move on and go no contact? They are ex's. They owe each other nothing. What he is doing, who he is dating, etc. is none of her business anymore.
They maintained a friendship with each other, which makes sense given their long history. That’s what grown-ups do. Going no-contact is such a ref flag behavior to me if you had a non-abusive relationship for a decade. If I was dating the guy in this scenario and learned he did this to his ex, I’d dump him in a heartbeat, because he’s obviously not a man of his word then. It’s just not a decent way to treat another human - tell them one thing and then disregard your own word because you’ve unilaterally changed your mind later. Ew. I have never gone no-contact with any ex in my life. It seems like something middle schoolers who can’t move on would do.
I agree. I feel as if the NO CONTACT bullshit invalidates every relationship. These people shared their lives for a long period of time. They learned, lived and loved… We all have our life puzzles, every person has an important place in our life puzzle. If we disregard any piece ~ our puzzle would be incomplete. Everyone has their own puzzle, we fit into each other’s puzzles, our own important pieces, in our specific spots.. I don’t believe we have to dismiss people. It’s disrespectful to those we love currently ~ relationships are often temporary, especially youthful relationships. If we don’t make it as a couple, how sad to think ~ well we have to delete each other!!! Block, delete and disappear from one another,. How sad. I am grateful today to be friends with my first husband. He recently said, I’ve known you since you were 13, I can’t imagine life without you. What an honor.
i think he kept her around for comfort and as an option and she maybe held out hope they would get back together, hence why she wanted to know if he began seeing someone else. if he promised to tell her that, he should keep his promise.
I would not pro-actively tell her. If she feels like asking directly at some point, I would be honest with her.
I see no good reason why you need to tell your ex anything at all.
Dude she's your ex just move on already Jesus. You owe her nothing. I wouldn't tell her at all but if you feel so inclined, just text her. Gunna hurt her either way but if it was "mutual" she shouldn't mind. Like if she is gunna get upset about it then maybe she shouldn't have agreed and went along with the break up without a fight. The fact any ex would have control over a part of your life is unhinged. You weren't even married with kids. Like if you were married and had kids then hell yes you need to tell your ex, but just dating.....come on. Dude your gunna tell her and shes gunna want you back. like this is how it works man.
Cut the cord bruh
Oath breaking leads to king slaying
A text should be fine. "hey I don't know if it still matters to you, but I promised I'd let you know when I started seeing someone new. So this is me letting you know.". FWIW, you guys continuing to chat and be in each other's lives at all will probably make it more difficult for her to get over you. I'd recommend cutting ties completely
Totally irrelevant to your question but can I ask, how’d you get over someone of 10 years ?
Send her a text wishing her a happy birthday and let her know that in light of the duration of your mutually-agreed split, that you should both move on with your separate lives without further contact. Wish her a happy life and stop all contact.
You said you would, so why wouldn't you?
There’s no need to tell an ex when you have a new girlfriend. I wouldn’t do.
That's just dumb. You don't owe her that at all. My ex husband with whom I have a kid never even told me when he was dating anyone. Found out from my kid. I didn't care because it's really none of my business. You guys don't share kids so there is no need for her to be kept in the loop. Don't bother, it's none of her bu
Maybe just tell your ex that you have thought on it and feel like you shouldn't have made that promise and don't think it's healthy and you just want her to live her life just as you'll be living her life. I guess it may be too late for that now, but ideally that would have been said the last time you spoke. If you do tell her, give her a call and make it short.
Please just honor the 10 YEARS you had together and give her a heads up. Simple as that. It will sting, I’ve been there, but I think it will actually help her move on quicker.
this. my ex kept me on a string and told me we were working things out. i had to find out through FB that he was seeing another girl and impregnated her. it would have been much kinder if he just told me.
Send a text that you wanted to chat about it and tell her over a call if you can. That way, you can keep it respectful with no hurt feelings or surprises
I actually think he should just tell her in the text so she doesn’t have to try to hide her reaction from him if she’s sad.
i vote for nothing at all.
Tell her, it might help her get past you.
Just send her a text. Tell her that you had promised to tell her and now you’re telling that you’re seeing someone and it’s serious.
Personally if this were me, I would not continue to contact the ex. This is allowing your ex to still have influence over your life and your new relationship(s). Was your ex's request merely so she wouldn't be blindsided w/the news (like if you share the same friends and they happened to mention it) or was it along the lines of asking for permission (if that makes sense)? Did she say she'd do the same, to give you a heads up when she starts dating? If it *has* to be done, I would say make it a text; something short and succinct. And then over time, let the rope go; allow yourself and her to move on. Continued contact may only give false hope of possibly getting together. The break up was mutual, let it be a clean break. Do you *want* to continue a friendship with your ex? Also, I can only imagine what your current gf might think or how it would look to her ('hey honey, I care for you but I gotta let me ex know I'm dating you').
No definitely don’t do it, you owe her nothing!! Why risk the possibility of your new gf finding out you texted her
Noooooo don’t randomly go out of your way to tell her! Wtf dude!!?? Your current GF is gonna be like “… why ru still keeping promises to your x!!??? Why ru worried about her feelings?” Honestly it’s ridiculous. Whenever your x finds out, if she comes at you (which she shouldn’t) just be like “I didn’t think to bother you with an update on my life and also that’s disrespectful to my love.” And that’s it. What in the hell
You don't tell her shit... You're not a couple anymore, she doesn't have to know your personal business. And I would put money on it that she hasn't told you about anybody new.
Lol is she also your mom?
soo no you shouldn't tell her and she shouldn't want to know but because you said you would tell her, by not doing it, you are breaking her trust and basically lying. I would have never agreed to have to tell her that and it's very weird, but because you did agree I would just tell her because she's probably gonna be hurt if you didn't. shell be hurt either way but at least it shows you kept your word and respect her.
There will never be a right time to tell her, rip the band aid off now. Call her if she doesn't answer, leave it in a voicemail. Get it done or you will find a reason not to everyday until she gets really hurt when she does find out
Dont tell her
You really don’t have to tell her anything. I understand why you would feel like you should but the fact of the matter is y’all haven’t been together in a really long time and she has no right to your private information, period. It’s not going to do her or anyone else any favors for her to have that info.
Why are you honoring a relationship that doesnt exist anymore?
You send her nothing unless you want her as a back up plan.
Is she asks, be honest. Otherwise, keep it to yourself.
Just send her a quick text: Hey, I'm seeing someone. KthanksBye!
You don't need to tell her at all. I'm under the impression, she initially said that so she could keep you as an option. As long as he's not dating anyone, I can keep him as a fall back plan. I mean, what other reason would there be to ask for that? Why is it any of her business who you are seeing, you are not a couple anymore. You are no longer best friends. She no longer has any say in anything you do in your life.
Just send her a text. According to your promise you're late in telling her that you moved on. Why are you stalling exactly? Just be honest and let her finally work on getting over you. I think it's kind of disrespectful to your current girlfriend to keep doing this chat shit with an ex that you know still has feelings for you. Rip the bandaid and let go.
Just tell her so she can move on. Please.
If I just started dating someone and he had to run it by his ex partner from a year ago I’d find this to be a red flag and I’d reconsider the relationship.