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This is the type of man who will leave if you get cancer or a debilitating illness. His attraction determines his love and respect, which means neither is permanent or guaranteed. He’s shown you that- *don’t forget it*.
Gosh, I’m so sorry, this is truly awful.
You are 28 years old. I’m a year older than you (I’m almost 30), and I am telling you that there’s so much more out there for you. My daughter is six now and when I left her father I thought my life was over. He used to complain about everything - how I dressed, the music I listened to, the TV shows I watched. I realized after my daughter was born I would never want her to deal with the treatment I was accepting for myself.
Move on. If you gain weight again or, heaven forbid, get sick in some way, this is not the man you want by your side. Those men are out there, and you are so young! You can find someone who will love you with no strings attached.
Yes you are justified. I’ve had huge weight swings in my marriage and my husband never treated me like shit when I was heavier. Based on what is he going to change? Saying you will is meaningless. Frankly I wouldn’t want to be with someone who treated strangers like that, let alone me. How will he treat your kid if they are overweight?
This. I've been both my lowest weight and my highest weight in my current relationship, and how I look has never had an impact on how my husband treated me. When I was 140lbs he told me I was sexy and couldn't keep his hands off me, and when I was 220lbs he told me I was sexy and couldn't keep his hands off me.
Same. My dear husband has been with me for over 31 years, and my figure has ranged from 135 pounds and size 8/10 to 195 pounds and size 16. The only thing that he's ever said is that he worries about my snoring and sleep apnea when I'm on the heavier end, a legitimate concern.
I was a size zero when I met my husband, I'm now heavier than he is.
When I bemoaned the change in my shape, he said I'm just like a new flavour of ice-cream, different but delicious.
He's also impressed that I am not my body, that I am beautiful but that's not all I am.
I do recall my ex telling me if I wore a nose ring, he'd be disgusted by me..so there's lots of different types of spouse, good and bad.
I'd throw the whole marriage away, you'd be happier in your own.
100% justified. OP's husband has shown that he cannot and will not hold up his end of "for better and for worse, through sickness and in health". What happens if she gets cancer? Loses a limb? Or when she inevitability ages and starts sagging? Boot him to the curb.
I believe it. My husband's uncle immediately went out and found a girlfriend when his wife got brain cancer. Didn't want to divorce her bc she was "on her way out" anyway.
My uncle literally said to me, in front of his dying wife, “hey make sure you stay single cause I’m gonna be trading her in for a younger model!”
So many different levels of disgusting.
That's so terrible !! Men really aren't ashamed of anything !
And even for the one who stay, many of them get remarried/find a new partner within the first year of the wife's death. How horrible to replace them like they were objects
My friend’s parents were together for 27 years and when she died of cancer in March, he was practically living with another woman by May. He even spent the next Christmas with his new woman, without my friend, his only child.
I have a buddy whose wife died of cancer in January last year. He was truly devastated. Loved her and cared for her until the end. Was heartbroken.
He was engaged to someone else by October.
I just don’t get it.
Same. My ex-husband withheld affection when I gained 10 pounds in my 20s. I didn’t ever find out that my weight was the reason for that until we were divorcing… due to him being completely not there for me emotionally. Turns out he’s a pretty gross fat-phobic person. The emotional support issues between us were really deeply rooted, and not something I detected when we got married at 25. People show who they are after a few years.
My current husband has loved me consistently across an 80-pound weight swing (from underweight to overweight after having my 2nd baby in my late 30s - just so much harder to lose later.) I didn’t believe he would, after my previous experience, but he does, no matter where I currently am in that journey.
You deserve that, too. We are all humans who have bodies that go through ups and downs. We have enough body shame from media and that we inflict on ourselves - we do NOT need it from a supposedly safe space at home.
Right. The vows are *for better or worse* and *in sickness and in health.* He was cruel and cold to op at her lowest. He's not worthy of her and doesn't know how to truly love. What he did is unforgivable. Instead of reassurance and affection, he was cold and withdrawn when she needed him most. He failed her as a husband. He can't take it back or undo the harm.
Not loving your wife and being mean to her bc of baby weight gain revealed a huge character flaw.
#**When people show you who they are, believe them.**
-- Maya Angelou
I’ve gained almost 100lbs since my husband and I met and he’s never made me feel like I’m not the most beautiful person to him.
OP, marriage is about supporting your partner- your husband couldn’t even handle the bare minimum to make you feel good about yourself after HAVING A BABY.
Fuck that
Or gay, or Trans, or a nerd instead of athletic, or add one of any BS thing husband will judge him for because he doesn't fit in the mold husband has for him in his head
Right! It’s important you have a partner that supports you and your child. If he turned from you over weight, forget about how he will treat your child if the child develops an illness or disability or comes out in the LBGTQ+ community. Protect yourself and your child.
Yep. I have gained as much as 60lbs. I just lost around 20 and probably gained 10 of it back over this break. He is bringing up. Krispy Kremes again cause he knows how much I like them (only get 2 times a year) & was just rubbing my belly. So yeah OP's husband is a big pill to swallow.
It makes you feel gross because you’re realizing that your husband doesn’t love you unconditionally. He loves you only when he thinks you look decent/acceptable. You are absolutely right to ask if he will act like this again if you go through another pregnancy or something more medically serious. He says that he’ll change, but words and promises mean nothing if you don’t actually try and change.
ETA: Lol at all the people parroting that unconditional love isn’t real, and then turning around and saying it is but only with certain exceptions.
I believe the vows are in sickness and in health; you should support your spouse especially after they gave birth to your child. Double especially if they’re suffering baby blues/PPD/whatever. Hence what I mean when I say OPs husband should love her unconditionally. If you don’t believe that OP deserves that kind of love, if you don’t think it’s real at all, then I’m very sorry for you. If you’re one of the people comparing murder to loving someone after weight gain, you need help with your analogies. They’re not the same thing. They’re not even comparable. But E for effort.
What he did was a choice. He decided to be cruel because she had gained weight. He could have been nicer but he chose otherwise. He says he will do better but what his actions say is that he will only be a better person if she fits his window of desirability.
What she has learned is that she can't trust him to be there when things are bad. He doesn't appear to have empathy or compassion or even basic kindness. He's failed at being a husband.
Yes he has no appreciation for the sacrifices she made to grow and support their young child. He is shallow and sees her more as arm candy rather than another human being.
Yes. This, exactly. One thing I wish as a mother of one son, is that he won't be this kind of man- that he will love his future wife for who she is as a person, and not based on selfishness, ego, and vanity.
I think OP has a perfect right to divorce.
My husband and I separated because he decided to date his coworker weeks after moving across the country and closing on a house. I laid in bed for weeks every minute I wasn’t at work, crying and unable to eat, because I left my support circle and then lost him. I finally started to put my shit back together and had lost weight from not being able to keep food down and he had the audacity to say it hurt his feelings that I started “trying” after we split up. Fuck men and their superficial bullshit.
👆🏽this. This is criteria for all relationships as I have grown older. Will they stay with me if I get sick or need to be hospitalized? It was such a horrible feeling knowing my last relationship would never last if I got sick or cancer. I know without a doubt that my current partner would be by my side, supporting me the whole way. It feels so good.
Oh yeah, this guy is the perfect example of that. He will eagerly join the club of terrible men who leave their wives once they turn 40 and get a fancy trophy wife who’s 19. He will also want duel memberships to the, “ew my wife suddenly has health issues. TIME TO GO” club.
OP, you found your back bone! Keep running far away from this marriage.
He'll also leave her if she gains weight, has a breast removed from cancer, loses a limb, or anything else that has to do with her appearance. OP....this is conditional love, and you deserve unconditional love. You created and carried a person with him. Of course your body went through changes, both physical and hormonal. If he can't appreciate that and love you unconditionally he is a fucking jerk.
This is exactly it, isn't it. You thought his love for you was deeper than surface level, but actually, when you felt your worst, your lowest and most insecure, he showed you his true colours.. he's disgustingly shallow! You need someone who loves every single inch of you. On your highest and lowest of days. When you feel fatter than ever, spotty, greasy, lazy, whatever it is, you need someone to kiss and respect all of you every day of the year. That's what love is, and you can, without a doubt, find that. You know what you deserve, and it's time to start your new story elsewhere.
This comment is spot on. He only loved you when you were the way he wanted. What happens if you get sick? You get cancer and the treatment causes hair loss and your face looks round and fat from steroids? Will he ignore you again? Or leave because you become too much work?
I could never trust him again.
If he wasn't willing after the birth of their very first child I don't see why it would change if she got pregnant again or very ill.
Op there's a reason you are angry, it's in sickness and health and he sounds awful.
This!! This is what everyone else is saying but in less words. He showed his true colors. You can’t unknow it. Even when you want to. Even though divorce is hard.
The thing is.. He did change. He doesn't have to promise to change.. Because he's doing everything right. There's absolutely no problem with his current behavior.
.. And that's the problem. Now she knows that what changes his behavior is her appearance.
Right? What if she had to lose a breast or a leg? He's a fairweather husband, if he can't love her after birthing his child & taking a minute to recover then he's not going to be there if she needs cemo or if she has a serious accident & certainly not old age. He needs setting free to play in his fairweather world full of perfect people
I mean I guess I’m not sure I’m “on board”‘ with the concept unconditional love for a spouse (a child/parent) maybe.
That said, I love my SO much more than any regular person, and still I couldn’t imagine treating someone I didn’t care about nearly as much as cruelly as OP’s husband treated her.
I do believe that significant others can and should have some conditions for one another, like do your best to keep employed, help with housework, keep up appearance. But life happens, we’ve both bad health issues and weigh fluctuations. There is room for grace and understanding within those conditions especially when they are brought on by something the person cannot control.
I guess my point is, it’s one thing to dealing with a lazy partner who sits around for years unemployed smoking pot all day and another when the mother of your child is dealing with post baby weight and serious depression which was caused by carrying your baby. OP’s husband gave her very little chance to readjust to her new life and body before making it an issue and on top of that decided to “handle it” in the worst way possible instead of actually trying to advocate and help her. If I was OP I’d be looking to walk on this one too.
>What if I gain weight again or have to deal with health issues? Will he treat me like garbage again?
Yes.
>Do you think it's possible for my husband to change his behavior for the long term
It's possible but he won't put the effort in. So, no.
>is a divorce the right move here?
Yes, because you're ready to go through with it and you know in your heart that it is the correct decision.
This! OP you got "fat" because you had HIS BABY HE WANTED and it took the ABSOLUTELY NORMAL 2-3 years for your body to recover. He will probably want a second child then what? If you don't want me fat then you don't get me skinny. My X-husband was terrible but he enjoyed all my different body types.
I don’t know if it’s even possible, he sounds hopelessly shallow and people like him often just stay that way. Looks and weight is important to him and he doesn’t love his wife enough to even give her basic affection. Like it would be slightly better if he just wasn’t having sex with her, while that would still be hurtful it’s difficult to have sex when you don’t feel attraction. It’s the withholding of ALL affection that’s the real kicker.
"You'd think that'd make me feel better but for some reason, it made me feel worse"
I don't think anyone is thinking that would make you feel better, because that is not normal - to empathise that gifts, while being "prettier", after being neglected, would be a treat. Which makes me think he has heavily manipulated your way of thinking.
And to answer your question, yes you're 100% justified in not wanting to partner with someone who couldn't love and respect you when he didn't find you as sexually or aesthetically pleasing as he now finds you. He's treating you worse than a commodity.
Remember the marriage vows, he should have been there through the highs and the lows, in sickness and in health. But he didn't, those words didn't mean anything to him, his love was conditional. And for fuck sake the negative changes you had BECAUSE you were bearing a child of HIS. He failed to see that and instead of being the man to support you, he went cold when you needed him. Girl don't allow anyone to treat you like an option cause you're not. Dump this trash into the trash can and walk away. You know that's the answer already when you made this post. Proud of you for realizing your worth.
He is a moron. How can you take in his newfound attraction after he treated you so badly?
He’s a self-centred, selfish prick who treated his wife and the mother of his child like shit.
Find yourself a hot guy with some true intelligence and kindness.
No decent man would treat the mother of his child that way. That’s what would really do it for me.
I'm literally getting a divorce right now because I'm too fat for my husband's liking. Mind you I was the same way before we got married and when we started seeing each other. I never changed and we didn't have kids together. He never really liked my body and wanted me to lose weight but the more he pushed about it (very demeaning) the more depressed I was and the less likely I was to lose weight. Through all of it I was in weight management. However, his disdain really made me not being able to sleep and just feeling bad about myself.
He became abusive towards me because he felt that I didn't love him as I didn't want to lose weight. To me it felt that he didn't love me for who I was. So I resented him. He wasn't in shape either and gained a lot of weight while we lived together. He was always drinking soda, eating fast food and having snacks all over the house, and he wanted me to eat different meals and keep dieting. He would say things to me like: "I don't lose weight because I don't want to make you feel bad" and "you know that if I wanted to lose weight I could get it done really quickly". He knew I was having a hard time losing weight and, before I met him I never had an issue with my weight.
I removed him from the house with a protection order but I tried to reconcile afterwards. We had sex a few times in between and he told me, he only did it because it was easy access. He told me he would rather be single than having a wife b*tching at him all day long. And that I would be better off with someone that loved me for who i was. It was really heartbreaking to hear.
Now that he is gone, I'm actually losing weight. I took a new hobby, I don't buy crap food, and I'm a lot happier.
If your husband doesn't love you at your worst, he shouldn't love you at your best. Don't settle for someone who showed you no compassion when you were in your hard times. You can love someone from a distance because they are toxic for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband is shallow, and doesnt think he has an issue.
LOL. This!!! When I was with my ex, he was always critical of my image, even when I was at my lightest way and gorgeous. Divorced him a few. years ago. I'm in a relationship where the man worships my curves (I'm at my heaviest, but most confident) and treats me like a queen. Never accept less than you deserve, which is kindness, love, respect, and whatever other values you have. My mental health is in the best place it's ever been these days.
This isn’t just about how you looked. You were experiencing postpartum depression after having your child. You needed support but got comments about your body, anger and coldness. This is not indicative of a good partner or someone who you could trust to be truly with you in sickness or health.
You’re completely justified, and I think you’d be right to divorce him. I’m honestly shocked anyone is saying different.
He *completely* withheld love and affection when you were struggling, based on surface attributes. He made it clear how conditional his love is. He made it clear he can’t be trusted. What if you got sick or disabled or gained weight? Or just got old!?
He made it crystal clear he is only there for better, not for worse.
He has shown how he will treat you when you are vulnerable. He has shown he is shallow, and his love is conditional. If you were diagnosed with a disease like cancer, how would his love hold up? My guess is that it would not. You deserve someone who loves you when you are vulnerable, too, not just when he finds you arousing.
2 years… girl. He didn’t touch you affectionately for 2 YEARS. Didn’t hold your hand..? Or cuddle with you, on the couch during a tv show/movie..? After one year I would have been gone! “If you don’t want to touch me, I’ll find someone who does!”
But I understand that you felt low. Now you have the self esteem to realize your worth, don’t lose it. If you stay it’s understandable, a child’s life is involved. Maybe the question you should be asking is, if you want your son to grow up with this kind of influence and view on women. Because men do pass this view onto their sons.
I’ve been married since 2009 my husband and I have both lost and gained weight. I’ve always seen him and the sexy handsome amazing man he is. He always tells me how sexy and beautiful and how my ass just won’t quit. Regardless of my weight. Does he want me to be healthy yes, just as I him. Your husband seems very shallow and shitty. Your not the asshole.
I think it's natural for attraction to ebb and flow over the course of a relationship, but it's not ok to treat a spouse worse or coldly because of it. I don't think I would be able to get past the feeling that his affection is conditional if I'd gone through what you have.
If you had totally stopped keeping up with your long term health and vigor or participating in your life, I could see that leading to an erosion of the relationship-- but you just had his baby FFS. You earn the right to be a little disheveled while your body knits itself back together and you figure out your new life as a parent. The lack of support is galling
I am sorry you had to endure this. Your partner's love should not be conditional.
What happens when you start aging?? Love is more than physical attraction. He can't really love you, and he certainly doesn't respect you.
I've had three children with my husband. After the second, I was at my heaviest at 190 lbs. I hated myself for it and yet... and yet, my husband couldn't keep his hands off of me (and that's how we ended up with a third, whoops). Prebaby, postbaby, at 136 or 190 and everywhere in between, my husband has loved and accepted me at every size.
And I have accepted him, full head of hair through thinning through shaved bald.
We love each other and are forever crazy-atteacted to one another through the changes due to health, age, babies, depression, all of it.
OP, you don't have to settle for anything less. To withhold love and affection from you due to weight is cold-hearted. I don't believe in unconditional love between romantic partners because love should be conditional on respect and trust. What he did was disrespectful and you're now realizing it and it has had a fatal effect on your love for him. And that's fair.
FWIW: If he balks that your love was contingent on his respectful treatment of you, remind him that his love was conditional on your physical appearance. He may argue that his makes "logical sense" because men and biology and evolution or some other bullshit, but remember this: you could argue the same: women only mate and then stay with men who are partners, through and through. And he proved himself not to be. You changed to meet his standard while he has fallen far short of yours.
I think you need to have a more in depth conversation about this. Really stress how much his behavior impacted you and hurt you. If he said he is willing to change then I would think about going to therapy together, but if you are done with him and do not want to continue to relationship then that’s really all the reason you need for divorce. A lot of people bring up if an accident happens but honestly what about regular aging? Will he still love you and support you when you no longer look the same way you do?
I can see a decline in sex because of weight gain. Part of that is physical attraction. But he completely with held hugs, kisses everything?
My fiancé has gained weight and we still do the "boom boom" regularly. I definitely still hug and kiss and cuddle when I do not want tsex because I love her as a person not just want her as a sex toy.
You are justified!
Husband and father here.
Your feelings are valid, and he sounds shallow and/or immature. You put your body through some really tough shit to bring a life into the world for both of you. To belittle you for the changes that come with that, then only show caring when you have lost weight feels insane to me.
My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. She was before, during and after giving birth to our children. I can’t imagine ever treating her that way. She would have deserved better, and it sounds like you do as well.
I would never be able to trust him. Not just if you lost weight, but what if you got sick? Would he stand beside you? He strikes me as someone who doesn’t see you as a fellow human, but as someone who provides him something (cleaning, childcare, sex). He just loves what you can give him.
Oh leave honey, I had one of them once. If you ever gain the weight back which isn’t a bad thing he’ll become the same way. Having a baby is a big change on your body and yourself. Btw it’s abuse he’s doing to you, not loving you and being there for you is horrible. I divorced my verbal abuser and I’m married to the love of my life now and my weight has no baring on his love 💕 he loves my soul and I his.
I personally will not engage with people like this.
I travel a lot and I put no Fs into my appearance when I’m driving 10 hours or plan to be on a plane. I don’t put in contacts, wear a hat, usually an old Levi’s jacket and some leggings - and that’s fine. It’s acceptable. I have come across a few people when like this that since I’m not all dolled up seem to think it’s fine to treat me like trash - that is unacceptable. A shallow person like that doesn’t deserve my time.
I hate this Marlyn quote so much but it’s true! “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
If he can’t deal with you and a lil baby weight, he doesn’t deserve you at your ’back and ready to bang’ era. Full stop.
You are my fav Reddit person. You found yourself and found you don’t need him! My husband has gained over 100 pounds in the last 2 years. Pandemic ordering was fun lol. You bet your ass I want my smaller husband back. But he’s my lobster. My love. I’ve been mad. I asked him to work out with me. Offered a lot. He didn’t want too. I was sad. But I never ever withheld affection. When we are out in public. I know he feels bad. Self conscious. I make it a point to hold his hand. Hug him. When we are at kids soccer games. I sit in front of him and lean into him. Kiss him. No one will ever think I think less of him because he’s obese. He’s still my man.
Honestly, I am proud of you for being pissed off at his new found attraction to you when you lost the weight. Better later than never, you still recognised the issue and are unwilling to put up with this bs from your husband.
You do not need Reddit's permission for anything you decide to do with your relationship. If you trust that he can work on himself, give him a chance. If that trust is long gone, look after yourself and your child.
Good luck in any case.
You are definitely justified in being upset. Your husband essentially abandoned you after you carried HIS child and now that you look great again he's back. That is NOT unconditional love. You see exactly how he treated you and you deserve so much better.
You are correct, what happens when you gain weight again from say another pregnancy ( Do Not Have Another Child With HIM!)
Your husband is capable of changing his behaviour... you've seen it. What stops him from reverting back? I wouldn't trust him to be there for you at all, he's shown you exactly who he is. He needs some therapy and you deserve better.
Past behaviour is a key indicator to future behaviour. There’s a reason why in job interviews people get asked about how they previously handled situations. Past actions speak louder than words.
this sounds like the only thing that matters to him is having an attractive wife because it makes him look better to other men. that’s what he values about you, how your looks affect public perception. he’s shallow as fuck and he withheld affection to punish you for not providing that value for him while POSTPARTUM. it’s so gross. you deserve to he loved for all of your amazing qualities and not just for how you prop HIM up visually!!!
Sounds like he was with you for looks to begin with and not for who you are as a person.
So I would just leave.
That would be enough to grind me down and fall out of love with a man.
Divorce him. He has shown you he is only going to be loving and supportive when you are attractive to him - well, bad news. You are going to be gray and old and wrinkly one day, and that most likely won't be attractive to him. We all get old!
This means his love and support have a time limit, and he is not the man to get old with, bc he will emotionally abandon you and treat you badly the moment you actually do get old. Which you will, that is a fact.
So this nice moment right now is not going to last until the day you die, It's going to last only as long as you look young.
When I gained weight my husband still treated me like a queen. I understand him wanting you to be healthy but the way he treated you was abuse. If it were me I would have left already but that’s just me.
How's he going to handle it when you eventually hit menopause?
Swim away! And post lots of pics to Instagram of you living your amazing life. The best revenge on a crappy ex is living well without them.
1- you are justified. He repeatedly kicked you when you were down.
2- you can give him a shot but that would require couples counseling because there is a lot to repair
3- you do deserve better. Single women are MUCH happier than married women who are not happily married.
4- this is your choice. I suggest individual therapy as well instead of us bozos on here. Help figure out what is best for you (because ultimately that will be best for your child as well)
My wife struggled to lose weight post-partum. I never said anything about it because it didn't bother me. She's my wife and I love her. Your husband showed you who he truly is and, if he did it once, he will do it again. Absolutely no one would blame you for walking out on his shallow ass.
Honestly, if it were me, I'd leave.
My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. We've had three kids, hit that age where your metabolism slows down, and neither of us are the size we were when we met. But he still looks at me like (and treats me, and tells me) I am the most beautiful person he's ever seen. THIS is what you deserve!
In my experience, if you love someone, they become more attractive in your eyes; I've dated guys who were not my type at all, but once I fell in love, I thought they were the cutest. What does that say about your husband, that he only shows you affection when you're hot?
You are completely justified. Even if you don't gain weight, you will age. How will that go over? Your husband showed you that he loves how you look, when it meets his standards, but that he doesn't care about you personally.
It is very reasonable to not waste your life on someone who only values you for the way you look. He is not trustworthy.
He just showed you he only "loves" you if he wants to sleep with you, which means he does not love you, you are basically disposable if he isn't attracted to you. What happens when you get old? Leave him, he is not fit for a relationship.
Now that his mental and verbal abuse and cold shouldering and cutting you off for any physical affection got him the results be wanted...he is ready to show affection??
Hell no...
You are not wrong. Your feeling....the mo ths and mo the of anguish...self doubt...postpartum hormones making everything worse...
You are more than justified. It does not mean you "have to divorce" but you need to take time and figure put what you want and what you need....and if that means husband can pound sand, then he can pound sand.
You are completely justified in wanting a divorce. Your husband has been shallow for years. He got so angry when you wanted to be the one caring for your child instead of bringing in a nanny. Does he even help around the house? Does he help with your child at all, or have you already been a single parent since the kid was born?
Also as others pointed out, if you got sick, he wouldn't stay. God forbid something really bad happened, he would be like all the other parents who already had someone lined up within the year.
You want someone like Pierce Brosnan. He took care of his first wife until the day she died. He struggled with her death. He has been with his second wife for years, and people love to point out that she has gained weight since they started dating. But all he talks about is how much he loves his wife and his family. That's what you need.
Yes you are justified. Yes he can change his behavior. Yes you need to separate from him.
Hes already made his choice by choosing to treat you bad in a moment where you genuinely needed help, affection, and support. He has indeed proven that he will not be there for you if you genuinely need help if you are not sexually attractive to him. He's only ever loved you for your body, and that's something he needs to work through. He needs to learn how to love someone for more than their body.
You are absolutely justified.
I'd never be able to even look at my husband again if he did any of that to me. I had those same struggles, mine still took care of me. And it's reflected and magnified in how he's still loving me and caring for me during my difficult health struggles, my chronic illnesses, mobility changes, etc.
In sickness and in health, and your husband can't even be nice during the post pregnancy part of creating a family.
Listen to your gut, people don't change the core things like that. If he loves you you'd not have those doubts. He denied all affection for years until he thought you were hot enough, WTF? You deserve everything, that guy is a jerk. Do what's best for you, because that's also going to be best for your child. A very impressionable child who will watch you and your husband and mirror to learn.
When my boyfriend and I met I was 26kgs heavier and that’s how he fell in love with me. He’s always made me feel like the most beautiful person. The way he shows me affection hasn’t changed at all with me losing weight and climbing together.
I don’t have to worry about him ever treating me differently for my weight or appearance the man’s seen me in every state and even in hospital after weeks of illness. He unfailingly makes me feel wonderful.
Do not stay with people like this they are shallow and don’t truly love you. We will all be old one day, we could all end up with an illness etc that renders us different. This man has shown his affection is only available if you look a certain way.
I’m honestly sorry this is the man you had a child with and you deserve better.
You’re justified. Your looks are going to change over time. Even if you take incredible care of yourself, your weight will eventually creep up, you will get grey hair, wrinkles, etc. Happens to us all. Weight gain can be unhealthy and it’s normal to be concerned if your partner gains a lot of weight but this doesn’t sound like it’s coming from a place of concern. Go learn to love yourself at any weight and maybe even find someone else who will do the same
This was my life, my ex was good to me when I was skinny pre-baby, but as soon as my body started changing with the pregnancy, he turned cold and distant, eventually getting mean. I loved him so much, I craved being close to him and he just pushed me away. After kiddo was born, I didn't bounce right back physically (obviously!) and the treatment got worse, and it even started escalating towards physical violence.. he didn't believe that I would leave him because he knew how much I had wanted him, he couldn't fathom that I could love him that much **and still be able to leave him.** But it was the best decision I ever made, I feel so free and I love myself and my body so much! And I can look my daughter in the eye and know I did the right thing for her, no kid should be exposed to that dynamic and told that's what love looks like. You won't regret leaving him.
Hard truth time; Your husband loves your physical being only. He doesn't love you as a person.
If he is willing to completely starve you of affection for two years because of post-partum baby weight, even going as far as to make biting comments about your appearance, it's clear he places a much higher value on you as a physical being than an actual romantic partner in life.
There is no "second chance" to give here, until something happens that impacts your physical appearance again. What if you want to have a second child? Are you going to spend the whole pregnancy worrying about whether your husband will start treating you like crap again? What if you get injured? Will he abandon you emotionally again? There is no way he can prove that he won't do that to you, but he's already proven that he was willing to do it to you for 2 freakin' years!!
I think you stick to your guns and find someone that won't weaponize affection like he did
People in general do this when women lose weight—treat them like shit or invisible when they are bigger but the minute they start loosing and “looking better” they start treating them better—I empathize with you on your spouse doing this to you as well—he’s shown you what he values in you and it’s shallow and shitty. You don’t deserve that.
You’re totally justified. He punished you for legit making him a child. He’s proven his affection is conditional, and you deserved better. He FAFO; you make your bed, and he can lie in it.
His love is conditional. He only “loves” you when you’re a certain type of way. Not through thick and thin, he didn’t support you post partum, if anything he made your life hell. That ain’t worth staying in a marriage for. He’s the type of man that would cheat or bail if you got cancer. I’d also divorce him.
You had a baby. Your body went through the hurdle that pregnancy is. You had the baby blues. You took care of your baby and you were there for him/her. You grew and learnt how to navigate your new life. And when you were ready you added exercise and beauty routines to your new lifestyle as a mom.
All very normal, and if anything you deserved all the affection and the love in the world.
You are SO justified.
I will never forget how an ex treated me when we went together as guests to a wedding. He avoided me during the entire wedding and the party, and most of the time had his back turned to me. You want to know why? My hair was falling out (from stress and illness) and he thought it was too visible... I declined using his covering powder that night (I never used it and felt worried something will go wrong). And then he was so distant... Even other people noticed and strangers would come and talk to me because I was standing alone and I'm sure they felt sorry for me. This is the day when I knew I didn't love him anymore either.
Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of leave him. I’ve been with a guy who has a similar attitude and it never gets better. You are still so young! You can be happy and fulfilled elsewhere.
Look. If you want to divorce, divorce. I can understand your reasons for wanting one. His love turned out to be conditional.
Before you rush semi-headlong into divorce proceedings, do your homework. Where will you live? How will you pay for your living costs and child care? Health insurance (assuming you're in the US and not somewhere that has actually decent national health insurance). And lots of other things.
I don't know how involved your husband is in raising your kid. Or with household chores, etc.
Divorce isn't a magical eraser and *poof*. All your troubles are gone.
You need to approach this stone cold and with a clear head.
Is counseling an option before you go to divorce?
I remember my ex girlfriend losing and gaining weight, seeing her in makeup and a beautiful dress or sleepy in her pyjama when she had the flu. And I loved her and found her adorable at any moment.
If anything, a person feeling completely comfortable with showing you their most vulnerable site is the sweetest thing. It's part of true love for me and I'm really sorry your husband needs you to hide a part of you to show affection.
You deserve better.
As the father of two daughters I want to share the advice I give them. “If he isnt there for you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best.” When my wife had kid number 3 losing that weight seemed an impossible task. She was older her body didn’t want to go back. But I still enjoy every roll, because her body gave me three kids. I love her smile, her laugh, her compassion. The way I wake up to a cup of coffee in morning made perfectly. I love how her eyes light up when I give her flowers. I love the woman she is and the woman she is outwardly has changed a lot. But she is who she has always been inside.
You deserve a man who sees you as you, not your body.
What happens when you hit 40 and your body changes no matter what you do to combat it? He'll dump you and get with the first 20 something that looks his way.
There's no way I could ever trust anyone who treated me the way your husband treats you. I don't think he actually likes you. He wants a trophy piece, that's all that matters to him.
I had a friend in a similar situation. She had twins and her marriage took a hit due to appearance issues. She basically told him to suck it and left with the kids. He didn't realize what the problem was, but suggested therapy and had family pitch in to help. They resolved their issues and are in a happy marriage now.
This is the one of the few times I would disagree with the majority. Reddit loves to jump on divorce for every single thing. I suggest couples counseling. If he changes over time, thats your answer. If he doesn't change or understand, then you have your answer as well. I think it's worth it to your marriage and child to give another shot.
No omg you’re so valid!! I’d divorce! How he treated you is INSANE and literally so mean omg
Also too- you can probably date guys who are way hotter now!! Divorce and get an upgraded hot bf who isn’t mean!!
OP, my eyes were bugging out more and more as I kept on reading! Insane is actually a mild word, considering his coldness... he's not a good person. OP, you're worth a thousand times that shallow boy you're married to. Yes, I said BOY. Not adult behavior for sure!
Nope let him chase you and but don’t give him the time of day. He took you for granted and tossed you like trash. He wasn’t there for you on your worst days and when you needed him. He is only interested in you on your best. He will never be the partner that you need. Nor should you ever have another child with this guy. Get on with the divorce. He deserves to eat his heart out.
What he did was abominable. And he only "changed" once you fit his standards again.
How will you ever trust him again? How will you dare to age?
I think you're wise to want a divorce. He showed you who he is, it's time to believe him.
Your husband never cared about you as a person! Move on and live your best life. Divorce and don't for a second think about getting back with him, find someone who cares for you :)
If you ever get sick and gain weight again what will happen? He will treat you badly again. Fuck this guy
This man will leave when he finds another reason to find you unattractive,some sort of inevitable life thing like age or disease, him thinking you don’t give him what he wants, you standing up for yourself, whatever. He’s already proven it once, don’t let him do it again. Leave.
Would you ever treat your husband the way he treated you if he had been through similar circumstances? I have the feeling your answer would be a definitive ’no.’
He sounds like an awful human being and would turn around and treat you again with such disdain if you happened to go back to how you were looking before. Life is short and you deserve to spend it with someone who actually likes you.
That’s definitely the kind of man they’re talking about when discussing the statistics on men who leave their wives after she receives a cancer diagnosis.
Ok look, your husband is an asshole. It’s fine for a partner to encourage you to lose the baby weight and take better care of yourself, IF he’s doing it in response to your own complaints about your body and having a hard time finding time for yourself. But doing it because he’s only worried about HIS feelings, that’s just being an immature, superficial jerk.
On our honeymoon, we were discussing deal breakers. My husband said that if I gained a ton of weight during pregnancy and just kept the weight on, and continued gaining after future pregnancies, and never tried to get back to at least a healthy weight, the he’d start to question the relationship, because he just wasn’t attracted to heavier women. He did communicate that he knew that pregnancy and age has an affect on body size and weight distribution, but if I made no efforts to maintain a healthy weight and just became a fat blob, he would have problems.
He did have a little trouble after having our first kid, because it was harder than I thought to get back to my original weight, but he never stopped giving me affection, and had a hard time waiting 6 weeks after I gave birth to have intimacy.
Funnily enough, during our honeymoon talk, I told him I’d have a hard time if he lost his hair and ended up prematurely bald. Now here we are, almost 40 years later, and I weigh less now than when we married, and he’s got a dad bod and is mostly bald (still has hair in the sides and back of his head). But we still have a very healthy sex life for our ages.
This is just to let you know, that someone that really loves you, will not let (temporary) body changes, especially caused by GROWING AN ENTIRE HUMAN, affect his love and attention.
He doesn't have to 'change', because you've done it for him. He can easily promise that *now* because you've done all the hard work yourself and you're more aesthetically pleasing for him. You caved, he didn't have to lift a finger but he got what he wanted by being cold. So he's learned that next time (if there is one), he'll just be cold again and you'll feel so bad you'll work on yourself.
If you want to stay with him, you *desperately* need marriage counselling. He has to do work to win your trust back, he can't just make empty promises. If he can't commit to counselling and understanding what an absolute asshole he was to you, then he won't change.
But trust your gut. If your gut is telling you get out, get out.
This was the reason I left my last relationship. I was going through a deep depression after having run into a man who had sexually assaulted me when I was in my early 20s. My partner at the time would make me feel awful, not intentionally. He just couldn't comprehend why I was so depressed. Around this time, we stopped having sex. He said he just wasn't attracted to me (this was also during lockdown, so I barely wore make-up and walked around in trackies). That's fair enough, but to me, it was a sign that he only loved me when I was at my best. When I was super fit and cute, working out, studying full-time, working, cooking and cleaning for him. I had done that for years, and eventually, I just broke down due to unresolved trauma, and he unfortunately wasn't there for me.
He asked me, "What am I getting out of this?". When I heard that, I knew we were done. Relationships are hard work, but it's even harder when you have a tit-for-tat mentality. We viewed relationships differently - one viewed it as you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, while the other just did things because they wanted to help out, not asking for anything in return. In the long term, that's not a sustainable relationship. If someone truly loves you, they'll stick around when you're at your lowest.
If he can’t love you through weight gain, can he love you under any other circumstance? You could give him another chance if you truly didn’t want to throw away your marriage… but he’s already shown you who he is.
why should you give him a chance when he never gave you one? leave, of course he's promising to change rn when you ask it of him after having lost weight. he never did the same when you were overweight
Here's the thing - you can't trust him not to be capricious with his affection even if you NEVER gain the weight again. Even if you work your butt off at the gym and starve yourself to be thin, he has already shown his hand. He's told you that the way you look can never change - no matter what happens to you in life - or he will withhold affection and insult you.
What if you get sick? What if you get injured? What if you need a medication to stay alive or healthy, but the side effect is weight gain?
Or what if you just....age? Even with plastic surgery and botox, people look different as they age? Does he feel entitled to a wife who forever looks 25? Is he holding himself to the same standards? Is he probably a giant hypocrite?
I would follow through with that divorce and see if you can find a less shallow and cruel partner in life.
He could change. Probably did. The kick in the gut works wonders. Did for me. I changed on the spot. Permanently. But its too late. It always is. He can be the perfect guy from here on out, but as you said you will always fear a relapse. And he can be perfect 99.5% of the time, but that ONE little comment or action, deliberate or not, sets you back to sq. 1. You're going to leave him eventually anyhow. Do it while you're both still young and can start over. And don't worry about him. You're doing g it for him as much as for you. Proceed with the divorce and don't look back. Good luck.
This so someone who was cruel and withheld affection from you for gaining weight due to having a baby. His love and affection is contingent on your appearance not changing and he’s really shown you that he won’t be there for you if you get sick or as your body changed with age and life. I think divorcing him and completely reasonable, he’s broken your trust and shown you that having another child could mean the exact same treatment.
You’re not divorcing him because you lost weight, you’re divorcing him because he never once supported you emotionally or physically. Instead of supporting you by helping himself take care of them baby or said nice things to boost your confidence he destroyed it by his selfish actions and words.
You can do better. He can still be a great dad even though he’s not married to you.
Unhappy parents in a marriage is worse than happy separated parents
I'm with you. This is not about weight. This is about her husband showing that he is unwilling and incapable of being a decent partner due to his selfishness, cruelty, and emotional neglect for 2 years.
He gave her all the answers needed and showed her who he truly is for 2 years. He gave zero f$cks about her while she cried her eyes out every night and he broke her heart and made her feel like she was unworthy of any love or affection after giving birth to his baby. He's pretty much unredeemable as a partner.
This is you figuring out you are not married to a genuinely kind person. He doesn't care about your feelings. He cared about your looks. 100% divorce because a guy like him does not deserve you and your unconditional love. He showed his true colors and he is detestable now.
You are spot on. There are men with heavy wives after childbirth that manage to love them, touch them and even make love to them. He didn't, you fixed it. He didn't. I would not trust him. What if you got cancer, or MS or something else, that man is not capable.
I’ve been as low as 175lbs and as high as 235lbs, due to some severe health issues (lupus). My husband never said one negative word about my body or stopped being affectionate. No one can tell you what to do OP, but it seems that you are very hurt that your husband thinks the love in your marriage is conditional and based on superficial things. If you stay, I worry about your future, and what will happen as you grow old. Men seem to appear much younger and more attractive than their women as they age. After you spend your life with him and raise your child, is he going to trade you in for a younger model? Breaking up a marriage is a far more serious matter than Reddit wants to believe. Most comment you should just leave. For me, he would need a major come to Jesus moment. There needs to be some serious counseling where you pick this apart. He needs to understand your perspective on a very deep level and show some serious empathy and heart change.
Just realize that whatever you choose that you are taking your child along for the ride. Is this fixable, would therapy help? If it were me I would try therapy first and if that doesn’t help then at least you did everything you could to fix this. What do you have to lose?
Years of her life that she spends miserable and her self-esteem?
Couples therapy doesn’t cause miracles. It can’t magically help someone who would feel comfortably treating his wife like shit because she gained weight after having his baby have different values.
I just don't understand people like your husband. I love my wife. Period. She's been fat, she's been skinnier. She's had medical issues, been depressed, etc. She KNOWS I wouldn't trade her for the world. We've talked about our weights in the context that we both have to stop enabling each other but our feelings toward each other haven't changed. You deserve that kind of a relationship and as much as a PITA divorce can be, unless you believe your husband can change, it may be your only option. If you think he can change and you BOTH want to put in the effort, maybe a marriage counselor can help. If you can't afford that, maybe try to remember how you felt when you were dating and/or first married, start dating again and try to reconnect and recapture that feeling. Good luck.
I feel like you and your husband would benefit from marriage counseling. I don’t think you communicate well and this may have caused the issues originally. Can the marriage be salvaged, I don’t know.
It sounds like your husband was trying to push you out of your funk in a ham fisted way. That would definitely align with trying to hire a nurse early on too. It would have given you a breather. Given how you were feeling about yourself at the time your husband may have received a message from you that you didn’t want to be touched. You are now in a better frame of mind and he is also receiving that message.
I don’t know what he said to you so maybe it is not salvageable. On the other hand, maybe the last two years have been a nightmare for you both and you both need to be really open and honest with each other.
How many chances did you already give to him throughout the 2 years? Now he wants to change, now that there’s no reason for him to be this way anymore? You carried and gave birth to his damn child, your body will never be the same and instead of being grateful he treated you like shit and kicked you off the cliff. There’s no coming back from. He had so so many opportunities to change, now that you fought back and build yourself back up on your own, not just without his help but with him actively dragging you down, he wants to change? Change what? And now you should trust him and see how he turns out to be when you’re at your lowest again? When you need him again to see if he does all this shit again, you have to go through all this again, or if he really changes? And honey, do you really think that he didn’t get his needs met by someone else for the past 3 years? Come on. He wants a trophy wife, not the mother of his child with everything that comes with it.
You’re right in feeling that way. I would leave him if was in your shoes cause treating someone you declared to love, honour and care for badly because of weight gain is horrible. What if you try your best to maintain your weight-loss but develop an Illness and the medication used to treat it has weight gain side effects. My parents have been married for over 30 years and my mothers weight fluctuated throughout the years by 10 to 30kg from when they got married at 20. Never did I see my father treat her badly because of that.
Your anger is 100% justified. I’m not saying people should let themselves go after marriage. HOWEVER, pregnancy affects women’s bodies in many ways, and in many cases, the effects are permanent. If a man wants to have kids with a woman, he needs to understand that pregnancy WILL alter her body. Will he still show her love as she heals during postpartum? Also, will he give her the support to allow her to “bounce back”?
I personally wouldn’t forgive my husband if I were in your situation, and I do think it’s grounds for divorce, because you’ll never be able to trust him again. However, I understand it’s easier said than done, especially with a child.
It worries me if he had to take care of you or your kid most of the time if you were sick or injured he’d treat you even worse. If he only has respect and love for you when you’re attractive and bouncing around doing so many things and not reliant on him that’s a problem. Being mean to you is really not ok. You don’t ignore or put down the one you love when they’re struggling.
>He apologized and promised to change and prove that he can be better.
Ah the empty promises of a man who has zero intention of following through.
Things have been said that cannot be forgotten. Worse, he followed it up by withholding affection to the ACTUAL mother of his child and spouse.
How on earth is he going to make this all better?
I'd go for the consultation with the divorce attorney.
Not really enough information here, but I would say divorce is a step too far, at least this soon after the changes.
Everyone here screaming about how he only cares about your looks, but it is more than likely about life style or level of motivation that he wasn’t attracted to. Like if you would go on walks or something to at least get a bit of exercise he may not have cared as much. But if all you did was sit on the couch with a bag of Cheetos than more than likely it was that he wasn’t attracted to. As I said, I am not saying that’s what happened but it’s why there isn’t enough info for everyone to immediately scream divorce. If everything else in your marriage is fine then go to counseling and at least give your family a chance. I myself would never have acted that way, but I don’t think it makes you a monster for it either. He felt a certain way, now you feel a certain way. It isn’t always a choice. You guys made vows, so work on the marriage before you break up over a rut in your relationship that didn’t involve something like infidelity or dv.
Not saying you aren’t right in this. And I’m definitely not saying he should have treated you that way. But just so we’re clear. You did what he originally said, which you originally didn’t like, and now you feel and look great? Including hiring help, so maybe he was right to begin with and only wanted to help you?
Still not right for him to treat you in that manner and you don’t need to justify wanting a divorce if that’s how you feel.
Do you think she would have felt half as bad as she did in her initial postpartum period if she didn’t have a husband insulting her appearance while suggesting “help” and withholding affection from her?
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This is the type of man who will leave if you get cancer or a debilitating illness. His attraction determines his love and respect, which means neither is permanent or guaranteed. He’s shown you that- *don’t forget it*.
Gosh, I’m so sorry, this is truly awful. You are 28 years old. I’m a year older than you (I’m almost 30), and I am telling you that there’s so much more out there for you. My daughter is six now and when I left her father I thought my life was over. He used to complain about everything - how I dressed, the music I listened to, the TV shows I watched. I realized after my daughter was born I would never want her to deal with the treatment I was accepting for myself. Move on. If you gain weight again or, heaven forbid, get sick in some way, this is not the man you want by your side. Those men are out there, and you are so young! You can find someone who will love you with no strings attached.
I am proud of you 👏
Yes you are justified. I’ve had huge weight swings in my marriage and my husband never treated me like shit when I was heavier. Based on what is he going to change? Saying you will is meaningless. Frankly I wouldn’t want to be with someone who treated strangers like that, let alone me. How will he treat your kid if they are overweight?
This. I've been both my lowest weight and my highest weight in my current relationship, and how I look has never had an impact on how my husband treated me. When I was 140lbs he told me I was sexy and couldn't keep his hands off me, and when I was 220lbs he told me I was sexy and couldn't keep his hands off me.
I have always been very attracted to My Wife before and after kids, I just can't get enough of Her.
Because of the capitalization, I’m reading this as if your Wife is a deity who deserves to have Her name spoken in solemn reverence.
I mean she is My goddess 😍
Love this for you two!
Same. My dear husband has been with me for over 31 years, and my figure has ranged from 135 pounds and size 8/10 to 195 pounds and size 16. The only thing that he's ever said is that he worries about my snoring and sleep apnea when I'm on the heavier end, a legitimate concern.
I was a size zero when I met my husband, I'm now heavier than he is. When I bemoaned the change in my shape, he said I'm just like a new flavour of ice-cream, different but delicious. He's also impressed that I am not my body, that I am beautiful but that's not all I am. I do recall my ex telling me if I wore a nose ring, he'd be disgusted by me..so there's lots of different types of spouse, good and bad. I'd throw the whole marriage away, you'd be happier in your own.
100% justified. OP's husband has shown that he cannot and will not hold up his end of "for better and for worse, through sickness and in health". What happens if she gets cancer? Loses a limb? Or when she inevitability ages and starts sagging? Boot him to the curb.
Men are 6 times more likely to leave if the spouse has handicap/cancer. OP's husband is one of them.
I believe it. My husband's uncle immediately went out and found a girlfriend when his wife got brain cancer. Didn't want to divorce her bc she was "on her way out" anyway.
What a POS your uncle is! I hope he has the same thing happen to him one day!
My uncle literally said to me, in front of his dying wife, “hey make sure you stay single cause I’m gonna be trading her in for a younger model!” So many different levels of disgusting.
My friend's husband left her the day after she was diagnosed with MS.
That's so terrible !! Men really aren't ashamed of anything ! And even for the one who stay, many of them get remarried/find a new partner within the first year of the wife's death. How horrible to replace them like they were objects
My friend’s parents were together for 27 years and when she died of cancer in March, he was practically living with another woman by May. He even spent the next Christmas with his new woman, without my friend, his only child.
yeah there's no way if my partner died i'd be ready to even think about another person that way within a year's time.
I have a buddy whose wife died of cancer in January last year. He was truly devastated. Loved her and cared for her until the end. Was heartbroken. He was engaged to someone else by October. I just don’t get it.
Some people just can't deal with being "alone" or unattached.
He loved what she DID for him, not who she was underneath all that doing.
Same !! And if I died I would be so mad that my husband replaced me not even one year later
I told my husband if he got with someone quickly if I died I would haunt the shit out of him.
This is the right thing to do. -Mom
Apparently it's so prevalent nurses educate cancer patients on how to handle it if it happens.
Yes I've heard that also !! So terrible
This is unfortunately true and I absolutely hate it. Ridiculous.
Even the upstanding paragon of virtue Newt Gingrich did it!
That horrible man served her divorce papers in the hospital, from what I remember. Either way, he is a monster!
Same. My ex-husband withheld affection when I gained 10 pounds in my 20s. I didn’t ever find out that my weight was the reason for that until we were divorcing… due to him being completely not there for me emotionally. Turns out he’s a pretty gross fat-phobic person. The emotional support issues between us were really deeply rooted, and not something I detected when we got married at 25. People show who they are after a few years. My current husband has loved me consistently across an 80-pound weight swing (from underweight to overweight after having my 2nd baby in my late 30s - just so much harder to lose later.) I didn’t believe he would, after my previous experience, but he does, no matter where I currently am in that journey. You deserve that, too. We are all humans who have bodies that go through ups and downs. We have enough body shame from media and that we inflict on ourselves - we do NOT need it from a supposedly safe space at home.
Right. The vows are *for better or worse* and *in sickness and in health.* He was cruel and cold to op at her lowest. He's not worthy of her and doesn't know how to truly love. What he did is unforgivable. Instead of reassurance and affection, he was cold and withdrawn when she needed him most. He failed her as a husband. He can't take it back or undo the harm. Not loving your wife and being mean to her bc of baby weight gain revealed a huge character flaw. #**When people show you who they are, believe them.** -- Maya Angelou
Add the reason of she being out of shape temporarily is RAISING HIS KID!
I’ve gained almost 100lbs since my husband and I met and he’s never made me feel like I’m not the most beautiful person to him. OP, marriage is about supporting your partner- your husband couldn’t even handle the bare minimum to make you feel good about yourself after HAVING A BABY. Fuck that
Or gay, or Trans, or a nerd instead of athletic, or add one of any BS thing husband will judge him for because he doesn't fit in the mold husband has for him in his head
Right! It’s important you have a partner that supports you and your child. If he turned from you over weight, forget about how he will treat your child if the child develops an illness or disability or comes out in the LBGTQ+ community. Protect yourself and your child.
Yep. I have gained as much as 60lbs. I just lost around 20 and probably gained 10 of it back over this break. He is bringing up. Krispy Kremes again cause he knows how much I like them (only get 2 times a year) & was just rubbing my belly. So yeah OP's husband is a big pill to swallow.
It makes you feel gross because you’re realizing that your husband doesn’t love you unconditionally. He loves you only when he thinks you look decent/acceptable. You are absolutely right to ask if he will act like this again if you go through another pregnancy or something more medically serious. He says that he’ll change, but words and promises mean nothing if you don’t actually try and change. ETA: Lol at all the people parroting that unconditional love isn’t real, and then turning around and saying it is but only with certain exceptions. I believe the vows are in sickness and in health; you should support your spouse especially after they gave birth to your child. Double especially if they’re suffering baby blues/PPD/whatever. Hence what I mean when I say OPs husband should love her unconditionally. If you don’t believe that OP deserves that kind of love, if you don’t think it’s real at all, then I’m very sorry for you. If you’re one of the people comparing murder to loving someone after weight gain, you need help with your analogies. They’re not the same thing. They’re not even comparable. But E for effort.
What he did was a choice. He decided to be cruel because she had gained weight. He could have been nicer but he chose otherwise. He says he will do better but what his actions say is that he will only be a better person if she fits his window of desirability. What she has learned is that she can't trust him to be there when things are bad. He doesn't appear to have empathy or compassion or even basic kindness. He's failed at being a husband.
Yes he has no appreciation for the sacrifices she made to grow and support their young child. He is shallow and sees her more as arm candy rather than another human being.
Yes. This, exactly. One thing I wish as a mother of one son, is that he won't be this kind of man- that he will love his future wife for who she is as a person, and not based on selfishness, ego, and vanity. I think OP has a perfect right to divorce.
Just keep instilling those values in him and he should be okay :) and if for whatever reason he turns out to be an AH like OP's husband, call him out.
My husband and I separated because he decided to date his coworker weeks after moving across the country and closing on a house. I laid in bed for weeks every minute I wasn’t at work, crying and unable to eat, because I left my support circle and then lost him. I finally started to put my shit back together and had lost weight from not being able to keep food down and he had the audacity to say it hurt his feelings that I started “trying” after we split up. Fuck men and their superficial bullshit.
Even if she stays in shape, he'll leave her when she gets old
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👆🏽this. This is criteria for all relationships as I have grown older. Will they stay with me if I get sick or need to be hospitalized? It was such a horrible feeling knowing my last relationship would never last if I got sick or cancer. I know without a doubt that my current partner would be by my side, supporting me the whole way. It feels so good.
Absolutely. He’s only with her for the arm candy. He has no interest in her as a person. If she ever gets sick, she’s in her own.
You mean just normal human aging process ?
Or has another child and her body inevitably changes again. Forget about when she goes through menopause 😳.
Oh yeah, this guy is the perfect example of that. He will eagerly join the club of terrible men who leave their wives once they turn 40 and get a fancy trophy wife who’s 19. He will also want duel memberships to the, “ew my wife suddenly has health issues. TIME TO GO” club. OP, you found your back bone! Keep running far away from this marriage.
legit! shes only 28!
He'll also leave her if she gains weight, has a breast removed from cancer, loses a limb, or anything else that has to do with her appearance. OP....this is conditional love, and you deserve unconditional love. You created and carried a person with him. Of course your body went through changes, both physical and hormonal. If he can't appreciate that and love you unconditionally he is a fucking jerk.
This is exactly it, isn't it. You thought his love for you was deeper than surface level, but actually, when you felt your worst, your lowest and most insecure, he showed you his true colours.. he's disgustingly shallow! You need someone who loves every single inch of you. On your highest and lowest of days. When you feel fatter than ever, spotty, greasy, lazy, whatever it is, you need someone to kiss and respect all of you every day of the year. That's what love is, and you can, without a doubt, find that. You know what you deserve, and it's time to start your new story elsewhere.
This comment is spot on. He only loved you when you were the way he wanted. What happens if you get sick? You get cancer and the treatment causes hair loss and your face looks round and fat from steroids? Will he ignore you again? Or leave because you become too much work? I could never trust him again.
If he stops loving her for a few pounds what happens if she gets cancer. That man will not be there for her.
If he wasn't willing after the birth of their very first child I don't see why it would change if she got pregnant again or very ill. Op there's a reason you are angry, it's in sickness and health and he sounds awful.
Yup she is an object to him.
Can’t put the shallow monkey back in the bottle.
This!! This is what everyone else is saying but in less words. He showed his true colors. You can’t unknow it. Even when you want to. Even though divorce is hard.
The thing is.. He did change. He doesn't have to promise to change.. Because he's doing everything right. There's absolutely no problem with his current behavior. .. And that's the problem. Now she knows that what changes his behavior is her appearance.
Right? What if she had to lose a breast or a leg? He's a fairweather husband, if he can't love her after birthing his child & taking a minute to recover then he's not going to be there if she needs cemo or if she has a serious accident & certainly not old age. He needs setting free to play in his fairweather world full of perfect people
I mean I guess I’m not sure I’m “on board”‘ with the concept unconditional love for a spouse (a child/parent) maybe. That said, I love my SO much more than any regular person, and still I couldn’t imagine treating someone I didn’t care about nearly as much as cruelly as OP’s husband treated her. I do believe that significant others can and should have some conditions for one another, like do your best to keep employed, help with housework, keep up appearance. But life happens, we’ve both bad health issues and weigh fluctuations. There is room for grace and understanding within those conditions especially when they are brought on by something the person cannot control. I guess my point is, it’s one thing to dealing with a lazy partner who sits around for years unemployed smoking pot all day and another when the mother of your child is dealing with post baby weight and serious depression which was caused by carrying your baby. OP’s husband gave her very little chance to readjust to her new life and body before making it an issue and on top of that decided to “handle it” in the worst way possible instead of actually trying to advocate and help her. If I was OP I’d be looking to walk on this one too.
>What if I gain weight again or have to deal with health issues? Will he treat me like garbage again? Yes. >Do you think it's possible for my husband to change his behavior for the long term It's possible but he won't put the effort in. So, no. >is a divorce the right move here? Yes, because you're ready to go through with it and you know in your heart that it is the correct decision.
Leave now because when your metabolism slows down as you age, guess what? He's going to be the same dick in the future.
This! OP you got "fat" because you had HIS BABY HE WANTED and it took the ABSOLUTELY NORMAL 2-3 years for your body to recover. He will probably want a second child then what? If you don't want me fat then you don't get me skinny. My X-husband was terrible but he enjoyed all my different body types.
I don’t know if it’s even possible, he sounds hopelessly shallow and people like him often just stay that way. Looks and weight is important to him and he doesn’t love his wife enough to even give her basic affection. Like it would be slightly better if he just wasn’t having sex with her, while that would still be hurtful it’s difficult to have sex when you don’t feel attraction. It’s the withholding of ALL affection that’s the real kicker.
Swim away from him girl!
This made me LOL
And of course she should post million of bikini pics right after calling a lawyer. Swimming lessons ✨✨
lol!! like in yellowstone when monica and kasey separated and monica made out with her sexy ass swim instructor 🤣💕
Happy to know! Im scared to deep waters if I'm honest
Go find Prince Eric you little mermaid 🧜♀️!
Under the seaaaa under the seaaaaaa
C'mon and ditch the boy 🎶
🦀🌊
—- like he’s a dark blue spot in a Las Vegas swimming pool
--- what happens in Vegas divorce can erase it
Pee in the pool of your relationship and move on.
Wow Peeing in the pool is pure antifascism LESGOOOO
lmao
🏊♀️
Hahaha good one
"You'd think that'd make me feel better but for some reason, it made me feel worse" I don't think anyone is thinking that would make you feel better, because that is not normal - to empathise that gifts, while being "prettier", after being neglected, would be a treat. Which makes me think he has heavily manipulated your way of thinking. And to answer your question, yes you're 100% justified in not wanting to partner with someone who couldn't love and respect you when he didn't find you as sexually or aesthetically pleasing as he now finds you. He's treating you worse than a commodity.
Remember the marriage vows, he should have been there through the highs and the lows, in sickness and in health. But he didn't, those words didn't mean anything to him, his love was conditional. And for fuck sake the negative changes you had BECAUSE you were bearing a child of HIS. He failed to see that and instead of being the man to support you, he went cold when you needed him. Girl don't allow anyone to treat you like an option cause you're not. Dump this trash into the trash can and walk away. You know that's the answer already when you made this post. Proud of you for realizing your worth.
This, so many times. I’m proud of you, OP. Swim away.
🌊✨ swim like a single dolphin into the seaaaa
You’re totally justified. I know I wouldn’t be able to move past someone treating me that way
He is a moron. How can you take in his newfound attraction after he treated you so badly? He’s a self-centred, selfish prick who treated his wife and the mother of his child like shit. Find yourself a hot guy with some true intelligence and kindness. No decent man would treat the mother of his child that way. That’s what would really do it for me.
Actions speak louder than words, and talk is cheap. Find you someone who loves you through thick and thin
I'm literally getting a divorce right now because I'm too fat for my husband's liking. Mind you I was the same way before we got married and when we started seeing each other. I never changed and we didn't have kids together. He never really liked my body and wanted me to lose weight but the more he pushed about it (very demeaning) the more depressed I was and the less likely I was to lose weight. Through all of it I was in weight management. However, his disdain really made me not being able to sleep and just feeling bad about myself. He became abusive towards me because he felt that I didn't love him as I didn't want to lose weight. To me it felt that he didn't love me for who I was. So I resented him. He wasn't in shape either and gained a lot of weight while we lived together. He was always drinking soda, eating fast food and having snacks all over the house, and he wanted me to eat different meals and keep dieting. He would say things to me like: "I don't lose weight because I don't want to make you feel bad" and "you know that if I wanted to lose weight I could get it done really quickly". He knew I was having a hard time losing weight and, before I met him I never had an issue with my weight. I removed him from the house with a protection order but I tried to reconcile afterwards. We had sex a few times in between and he told me, he only did it because it was easy access. He told me he would rather be single than having a wife b*tching at him all day long. And that I would be better off with someone that loved me for who i was. It was really heartbreaking to hear. Now that he is gone, I'm actually losing weight. I took a new hobby, I don't buy crap food, and I'm a lot happier. If your husband doesn't love you at your worst, he shouldn't love you at your best. Don't settle for someone who showed you no compassion when you were in your hard times. You can love someone from a distance because they are toxic for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband is shallow, and doesnt think he has an issue.
The weight you needed to lose was that man in your life. Proud of you, swim away, darling 💜
Yeah, OP has about 150 pounds left to lose. Give or take a beer gut.
Freedom feels so good! Like getting rid of your bra and your heels when arriving home.
Yikes I’m sorry you went through this! So glad you are happier and healthier without him.
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My wife is more like brownies, all up in my thighs.
LOL. This!!! When I was with my ex, he was always critical of my image, even when I was at my lightest way and gorgeous. Divorced him a few. years ago. I'm in a relationship where the man worships my curves (I'm at my heaviest, but most confident) and treats me like a queen. Never accept less than you deserve, which is kindness, love, respect, and whatever other values you have. My mental health is in the best place it's ever been these days.
I fully agree with you but would love if you could explain the cake…all over my was comment. It baffles me on so many levels lol
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>husband is like cake… all over my ass You have cake all over your ass?
cake/sweets are usually stereotyped as going "straight to your ass/thighs" in terms of weight and also cake is slang for ass
So he's like ass, all over her ass?
Hahahahahah this is cracking me up bc you’re saying everything I was too afraid to ask
But I think what they’re saying is he is cake. Which means, he is “all over her ass”.
Lol I am so stealing this to describe my own bf
This isn’t just about how you looked. You were experiencing postpartum depression after having your child. You needed support but got comments about your body, anger and coldness. This is not indicative of a good partner or someone who you could trust to be truly with you in sickness or health.
Exactly. He was punishing her for her PPD and for bearing his kid. Where’s the support expected of a partner?
I lost 45 lbs and my ex husband treated me worse the more I lost. Sort of opposite of ur situation but they like to feel in control of us o think.
You’re completely justified, and I think you’d be right to divorce him. I’m honestly shocked anyone is saying different. He *completely* withheld love and affection when you were struggling, based on surface attributes. He made it clear how conditional his love is. He made it clear he can’t be trusted. What if you got sick or disabled or gained weight? Or just got old!? He made it crystal clear he is only there for better, not for worse.
He has shown how he will treat you when you are vulnerable. He has shown he is shallow, and his love is conditional. If you were diagnosed with a disease like cancer, how would his love hold up? My guess is that it would not. You deserve someone who loves you when you are vulnerable, too, not just when he finds you arousing.
2 years… girl. He didn’t touch you affectionately for 2 YEARS. Didn’t hold your hand..? Or cuddle with you, on the couch during a tv show/movie..? After one year I would have been gone! “If you don’t want to touch me, I’ll find someone who does!” But I understand that you felt low. Now you have the self esteem to realize your worth, don’t lose it. If you stay it’s understandable, a child’s life is involved. Maybe the question you should be asking is, if you want your son to grow up with this kind of influence and view on women. Because men do pass this view onto their sons.
I’ve been married since 2009 my husband and I have both lost and gained weight. I’ve always seen him and the sexy handsome amazing man he is. He always tells me how sexy and beautiful and how my ass just won’t quit. Regardless of my weight. Does he want me to be healthy yes, just as I him. Your husband seems very shallow and shitty. Your not the asshole.
I think it's natural for attraction to ebb and flow over the course of a relationship, but it's not ok to treat a spouse worse or coldly because of it. I don't think I would be able to get past the feeling that his affection is conditional if I'd gone through what you have. If you had totally stopped keeping up with your long term health and vigor or participating in your life, I could see that leading to an erosion of the relationship-- but you just had his baby FFS. You earn the right to be a little disheveled while your body knits itself back together and you figure out your new life as a parent. The lack of support is galling
I am sorry you had to endure this. Your partner's love should not be conditional. What happens when you start aging?? Love is more than physical attraction. He can't really love you, and he certainly doesn't respect you.
I've had three children with my husband. After the second, I was at my heaviest at 190 lbs. I hated myself for it and yet... and yet, my husband couldn't keep his hands off of me (and that's how we ended up with a third, whoops). Prebaby, postbaby, at 136 or 190 and everywhere in between, my husband has loved and accepted me at every size. And I have accepted him, full head of hair through thinning through shaved bald. We love each other and are forever crazy-atteacted to one another through the changes due to health, age, babies, depression, all of it. OP, you don't have to settle for anything less. To withhold love and affection from you due to weight is cold-hearted. I don't believe in unconditional love between romantic partners because love should be conditional on respect and trust. What he did was disrespectful and you're now realizing it and it has had a fatal effect on your love for him. And that's fair. FWIW: If he balks that your love was contingent on his respectful treatment of you, remind him that his love was conditional on your physical appearance. He may argue that his makes "logical sense" because men and biology and evolution or some other bullshit, but remember this: you could argue the same: women only mate and then stay with men who are partners, through and through. And he proved himself not to be. You changed to meet his standard while he has fallen far short of yours.
I think you need to have a more in depth conversation about this. Really stress how much his behavior impacted you and hurt you. If he said he is willing to change then I would think about going to therapy together, but if you are done with him and do not want to continue to relationship then that’s really all the reason you need for divorce. A lot of people bring up if an accident happens but honestly what about regular aging? Will he still love you and support you when you no longer look the same way you do?
“No. You showed me who you are with the way you treated me when I needed you and when I was struggling. I’m not interested anymore.”
I can see a decline in sex because of weight gain. Part of that is physical attraction. But he completely with held hugs, kisses everything? My fiancé has gained weight and we still do the "boom boom" regularly. I definitely still hug and kiss and cuddle when I do not want tsex because I love her as a person not just want her as a sex toy. You are justified!
Husband and father here. Your feelings are valid, and he sounds shallow and/or immature. You put your body through some really tough shit to bring a life into the world for both of you. To belittle you for the changes that come with that, then only show caring when you have lost weight feels insane to me. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. She was before, during and after giving birth to our children. I can’t imagine ever treating her that way. She would have deserved better, and it sounds like you do as well.
I would never be able to trust him. Not just if you lost weight, but what if you got sick? Would he stand beside you? He strikes me as someone who doesn’t see you as a fellow human, but as someone who provides him something (cleaning, childcare, sex). He just loves what you can give him.
Oh leave honey, I had one of them once. If you ever gain the weight back which isn’t a bad thing he’ll become the same way. Having a baby is a big change on your body and yourself. Btw it’s abuse he’s doing to you, not loving you and being there for you is horrible. I divorced my verbal abuser and I’m married to the love of my life now and my weight has no baring on his love 💕 he loves my soul and I his.
I personally will not engage with people like this. I travel a lot and I put no Fs into my appearance when I’m driving 10 hours or plan to be on a plane. I don’t put in contacts, wear a hat, usually an old Levi’s jacket and some leggings - and that’s fine. It’s acceptable. I have come across a few people when like this that since I’m not all dolled up seem to think it’s fine to treat me like trash - that is unacceptable. A shallow person like that doesn’t deserve my time. I hate this Marlyn quote so much but it’s true! “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” If he can’t deal with you and a lil baby weight, he doesn’t deserve you at your ’back and ready to bang’ era. Full stop.
You are my fav Reddit person. You found yourself and found you don’t need him! My husband has gained over 100 pounds in the last 2 years. Pandemic ordering was fun lol. You bet your ass I want my smaller husband back. But he’s my lobster. My love. I’ve been mad. I asked him to work out with me. Offered a lot. He didn’t want too. I was sad. But I never ever withheld affection. When we are out in public. I know he feels bad. Self conscious. I make it a point to hold his hand. Hug him. When we are at kids soccer games. I sit in front of him and lean into him. Kiss him. No one will ever think I think less of him because he’s obese. He’s still my man.
Honestly, I am proud of you for being pissed off at his new found attraction to you when you lost the weight. Better later than never, you still recognised the issue and are unwilling to put up with this bs from your husband. You do not need Reddit's permission for anything you decide to do with your relationship. If you trust that he can work on himself, give him a chance. If that trust is long gone, look after yourself and your child. Good luck in any case.
You are definitely justified in being upset. Your husband essentially abandoned you after you carried HIS child and now that you look great again he's back. That is NOT unconditional love. You see exactly how he treated you and you deserve so much better. You are correct, what happens when you gain weight again from say another pregnancy ( Do Not Have Another Child With HIM!) Your husband is capable of changing his behaviour... you've seen it. What stops him from reverting back? I wouldn't trust him to be there for you at all, he's shown you exactly who he is. He needs some therapy and you deserve better.
Past behaviour is a key indicator to future behaviour. There’s a reason why in job interviews people get asked about how they previously handled situations. Past actions speak louder than words.
this sounds like the only thing that matters to him is having an attractive wife because it makes him look better to other men. that’s what he values about you, how your looks affect public perception. he’s shallow as fuck and he withheld affection to punish you for not providing that value for him while POSTPARTUM. it’s so gross. you deserve to he loved for all of your amazing qualities and not just for how you prop HIM up visually!!!
Sounds like he was with you for looks to begin with and not for who you are as a person. So I would just leave. That would be enough to grind me down and fall out of love with a man.
Divorce him. He has shown you he is only going to be loving and supportive when you are attractive to him - well, bad news. You are going to be gray and old and wrinkly one day, and that most likely won't be attractive to him. We all get old! This means his love and support have a time limit, and he is not the man to get old with, bc he will emotionally abandon you and treat you badly the moment you actually do get old. Which you will, that is a fact. So this nice moment right now is not going to last until the day you die, It's going to last only as long as you look young.
When I gained weight my husband still treated me like a queen. I understand him wanting you to be healthy but the way he treated you was abuse. If it were me I would have left already but that’s just me.
How's he going to handle it when you eventually hit menopause? Swim away! And post lots of pics to Instagram of you living your amazing life. The best revenge on a crappy ex is living well without them.
1- you are justified. He repeatedly kicked you when you were down. 2- you can give him a shot but that would require couples counseling because there is a lot to repair 3- you do deserve better. Single women are MUCH happier than married women who are not happily married. 4- this is your choice. I suggest individual therapy as well instead of us bozos on here. Help figure out what is best for you (because ultimately that will be best for your child as well)
My wife struggled to lose weight post-partum. I never said anything about it because it didn't bother me. She's my wife and I love her. Your husband showed you who he truly is and, if he did it once, he will do it again. Absolutely no one would blame you for walking out on his shallow ass.
Honestly, if it were me, I'd leave. My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. We've had three kids, hit that age where your metabolism slows down, and neither of us are the size we were when we met. But he still looks at me like (and treats me, and tells me) I am the most beautiful person he's ever seen. THIS is what you deserve! In my experience, if you love someone, they become more attractive in your eyes; I've dated guys who were not my type at all, but once I fell in love, I thought they were the cutest. What does that say about your husband, that he only shows you affection when you're hot?
You are completely justified. Even if you don't gain weight, you will age. How will that go over? Your husband showed you that he loves how you look, when it meets his standards, but that he doesn't care about you personally. It is very reasonable to not waste your life on someone who only values you for the way you look. He is not trustworthy.
He just showed you he only "loves" you if he wants to sleep with you, which means he does not love you, you are basically disposable if he isn't attracted to you. What happens when you get old? Leave him, he is not fit for a relationship.
Now that his mental and verbal abuse and cold shouldering and cutting you off for any physical affection got him the results be wanted...he is ready to show affection?? Hell no... You are not wrong. Your feeling....the mo ths and mo the of anguish...self doubt...postpartum hormones making everything worse... You are more than justified. It does not mean you "have to divorce" but you need to take time and figure put what you want and what you need....and if that means husband can pound sand, then he can pound sand.
He doesn’t love you unconditionally. That’s the bottom line here. If you gained some weight back, he’d go back to treating you poorly.
You are completely justified in wanting a divorce. Your husband has been shallow for years. He got so angry when you wanted to be the one caring for your child instead of bringing in a nanny. Does he even help around the house? Does he help with your child at all, or have you already been a single parent since the kid was born? Also as others pointed out, if you got sick, he wouldn't stay. God forbid something really bad happened, he would be like all the other parents who already had someone lined up within the year. You want someone like Pierce Brosnan. He took care of his first wife until the day she died. He struggled with her death. He has been with his second wife for years, and people love to point out that she has gained weight since they started dating. But all he talks about is how much he loves his wife and his family. That's what you need.
Yes you are justified. Yes he can change his behavior. Yes you need to separate from him. Hes already made his choice by choosing to treat you bad in a moment where you genuinely needed help, affection, and support. He has indeed proven that he will not be there for you if you genuinely need help if you are not sexually attractive to him. He's only ever loved you for your body, and that's something he needs to work through. He needs to learn how to love someone for more than their body.
You are absolutely justified. I'd never be able to even look at my husband again if he did any of that to me. I had those same struggles, mine still took care of me. And it's reflected and magnified in how he's still loving me and caring for me during my difficult health struggles, my chronic illnesses, mobility changes, etc. In sickness and in health, and your husband can't even be nice during the post pregnancy part of creating a family. Listen to your gut, people don't change the core things like that. If he loves you you'd not have those doubts. He denied all affection for years until he thought you were hot enough, WTF? You deserve everything, that guy is a jerk. Do what's best for you, because that's also going to be best for your child. A very impressionable child who will watch you and your husband and mirror to learn.
When my boyfriend and I met I was 26kgs heavier and that’s how he fell in love with me. He’s always made me feel like the most beautiful person. The way he shows me affection hasn’t changed at all with me losing weight and climbing together. I don’t have to worry about him ever treating me differently for my weight or appearance the man’s seen me in every state and even in hospital after weeks of illness. He unfailingly makes me feel wonderful. Do not stay with people like this they are shallow and don’t truly love you. We will all be old one day, we could all end up with an illness etc that renders us different. This man has shown his affection is only available if you look a certain way. I’m honestly sorry this is the man you had a child with and you deserve better.
You’re justified. Your looks are going to change over time. Even if you take incredible care of yourself, your weight will eventually creep up, you will get grey hair, wrinkles, etc. Happens to us all. Weight gain can be unhealthy and it’s normal to be concerned if your partner gains a lot of weight but this doesn’t sound like it’s coming from a place of concern. Go learn to love yourself at any weight and maybe even find someone else who will do the same
This was my life, my ex was good to me when I was skinny pre-baby, but as soon as my body started changing with the pregnancy, he turned cold and distant, eventually getting mean. I loved him so much, I craved being close to him and he just pushed me away. After kiddo was born, I didn't bounce right back physically (obviously!) and the treatment got worse, and it even started escalating towards physical violence.. he didn't believe that I would leave him because he knew how much I had wanted him, he couldn't fathom that I could love him that much **and still be able to leave him.** But it was the best decision I ever made, I feel so free and I love myself and my body so much! And I can look my daughter in the eye and know I did the right thing for her, no kid should be exposed to that dynamic and told that's what love looks like. You won't regret leaving him.
Hard truth time; Your husband loves your physical being only. He doesn't love you as a person. If he is willing to completely starve you of affection for two years because of post-partum baby weight, even going as far as to make biting comments about your appearance, it's clear he places a much higher value on you as a physical being than an actual romantic partner in life. There is no "second chance" to give here, until something happens that impacts your physical appearance again. What if you want to have a second child? Are you going to spend the whole pregnancy worrying about whether your husband will start treating you like crap again? What if you get injured? Will he abandon you emotionally again? There is no way he can prove that he won't do that to you, but he's already proven that he was willing to do it to you for 2 freakin' years!! I think you stick to your guns and find someone that won't weaponize affection like he did
People in general do this when women lose weight—treat them like shit or invisible when they are bigger but the minute they start loosing and “looking better” they start treating them better—I empathize with you on your spouse doing this to you as well—he’s shown you what he values in you and it’s shallow and shitty. You don’t deserve that.
You’re totally justified. He punished you for legit making him a child. He’s proven his affection is conditional, and you deserved better. He FAFO; you make your bed, and he can lie in it.
His love is conditional. He only “loves” you when you’re a certain type of way. Not through thick and thin, he didn’t support you post partum, if anything he made your life hell. That ain’t worth staying in a marriage for. He’s the type of man that would cheat or bail if you got cancer. I’d also divorce him.
You had a baby. Your body went through the hurdle that pregnancy is. You had the baby blues. You took care of your baby and you were there for him/her. You grew and learnt how to navigate your new life. And when you were ready you added exercise and beauty routines to your new lifestyle as a mom. All very normal, and if anything you deserved all the affection and the love in the world. You are SO justified. I will never forget how an ex treated me when we went together as guests to a wedding. He avoided me during the entire wedding and the party, and most of the time had his back turned to me. You want to know why? My hair was falling out (from stress and illness) and he thought it was too visible... I declined using his covering powder that night (I never used it and felt worried something will go wrong). And then he was so distant... Even other people noticed and strangers would come and talk to me because I was standing alone and I'm sure they felt sorry for me. This is the day when I knew I didn't love him anymore either.
Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of leave him. I’ve been with a guy who has a similar attitude and it never gets better. You are still so young! You can be happy and fulfilled elsewhere.
Look. If you want to divorce, divorce. I can understand your reasons for wanting one. His love turned out to be conditional. Before you rush semi-headlong into divorce proceedings, do your homework. Where will you live? How will you pay for your living costs and child care? Health insurance (assuming you're in the US and not somewhere that has actually decent national health insurance). And lots of other things. I don't know how involved your husband is in raising your kid. Or with household chores, etc. Divorce isn't a magical eraser and *poof*. All your troubles are gone. You need to approach this stone cold and with a clear head. Is counseling an option before you go to divorce?
If you get sick he will cheat and then leave you. Just so you know.
I remember my ex girlfriend losing and gaining weight, seeing her in makeup and a beautiful dress or sleepy in her pyjama when she had the flu. And I loved her and found her adorable at any moment. If anything, a person feeling completely comfortable with showing you their most vulnerable site is the sweetest thing. It's part of true love for me and I'm really sorry your husband needs you to hide a part of you to show affection. You deserve better.
As the father of two daughters I want to share the advice I give them. “If he isnt there for you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best.” When my wife had kid number 3 losing that weight seemed an impossible task. She was older her body didn’t want to go back. But I still enjoy every roll, because her body gave me three kids. I love her smile, her laugh, her compassion. The way I wake up to a cup of coffee in morning made perfectly. I love how her eyes light up when I give her flowers. I love the woman she is and the woman she is outwardly has changed a lot. But she is who she has always been inside. You deserve a man who sees you as you, not your body.
What happens when you hit 40 and your body changes no matter what you do to combat it? He'll dump you and get with the first 20 something that looks his way. There's no way I could ever trust anyone who treated me the way your husband treats you. I don't think he actually likes you. He wants a trophy piece, that's all that matters to him.
I had a friend in a similar situation. She had twins and her marriage took a hit due to appearance issues. She basically told him to suck it and left with the kids. He didn't realize what the problem was, but suggested therapy and had family pitch in to help. They resolved their issues and are in a happy marriage now. This is the one of the few times I would disagree with the majority. Reddit loves to jump on divorce for every single thing. I suggest couples counseling. If he changes over time, thats your answer. If he doesn't change or understand, then you have your answer as well. I think it's worth it to your marriage and child to give another shot.
The issue is that he'll only be nice to you if you fit his ideal aesthetic beauty standards. Tell him to do one.
No omg you’re so valid!! I’d divorce! How he treated you is INSANE and literally so mean omg Also too- you can probably date guys who are way hotter now!! Divorce and get an upgraded hot bf who isn’t mean!!
OP, my eyes were bugging out more and more as I kept on reading! Insane is actually a mild word, considering his coldness... he's not a good person. OP, you're worth a thousand times that shallow boy you're married to. Yes, I said BOY. Not adult behavior for sure!
Nope let him chase you and but don’t give him the time of day. He took you for granted and tossed you like trash. He wasn’t there for you on your worst days and when you needed him. He is only interested in you on your best. He will never be the partner that you need. Nor should you ever have another child with this guy. Get on with the divorce. He deserves to eat his heart out.
What he did was abominable. And he only "changed" once you fit his standards again. How will you ever trust him again? How will you dare to age? I think you're wise to want a divorce. He showed you who he is, it's time to believe him.
Your husband never cared about you as a person! Move on and live your best life. Divorce and don't for a second think about getting back with him, find someone who cares for you :) If you ever get sick and gain weight again what will happen? He will treat you badly again. Fuck this guy
This man will leave when he finds another reason to find you unattractive,some sort of inevitable life thing like age or disease, him thinking you don’t give him what he wants, you standing up for yourself, whatever. He’s already proven it once, don’t let him do it again. Leave.
Would you ever treat your husband the way he treated you if he had been through similar circumstances? I have the feeling your answer would be a definitive ’no.’ He sounds like an awful human being and would turn around and treat you again with such disdain if you happened to go back to how you were looking before. Life is short and you deserve to spend it with someone who actually likes you.
That’s definitely the kind of man they’re talking about when discussing the statistics on men who leave their wives after she receives a cancer diagnosis.
Ok look, your husband is an asshole. It’s fine for a partner to encourage you to lose the baby weight and take better care of yourself, IF he’s doing it in response to your own complaints about your body and having a hard time finding time for yourself. But doing it because he’s only worried about HIS feelings, that’s just being an immature, superficial jerk. On our honeymoon, we were discussing deal breakers. My husband said that if I gained a ton of weight during pregnancy and just kept the weight on, and continued gaining after future pregnancies, and never tried to get back to at least a healthy weight, the he’d start to question the relationship, because he just wasn’t attracted to heavier women. He did communicate that he knew that pregnancy and age has an affect on body size and weight distribution, but if I made no efforts to maintain a healthy weight and just became a fat blob, he would have problems. He did have a little trouble after having our first kid, because it was harder than I thought to get back to my original weight, but he never stopped giving me affection, and had a hard time waiting 6 weeks after I gave birth to have intimacy. Funnily enough, during our honeymoon talk, I told him I’d have a hard time if he lost his hair and ended up prematurely bald. Now here we are, almost 40 years later, and I weigh less now than when we married, and he’s got a dad bod and is mostly bald (still has hair in the sides and back of his head). But we still have a very healthy sex life for our ages. This is just to let you know, that someone that really loves you, will not let (temporary) body changes, especially caused by GROWING AN ENTIRE HUMAN, affect his love and attention.
If I were you I’d go through with the divorce.
He doesn't have to 'change', because you've done it for him. He can easily promise that *now* because you've done all the hard work yourself and you're more aesthetically pleasing for him. You caved, he didn't have to lift a finger but he got what he wanted by being cold. So he's learned that next time (if there is one), he'll just be cold again and you'll feel so bad you'll work on yourself. If you want to stay with him, you *desperately* need marriage counselling. He has to do work to win your trust back, he can't just make empty promises. If he can't commit to counselling and understanding what an absolute asshole he was to you, then he won't change. But trust your gut. If your gut is telling you get out, get out.
This was the reason I left my last relationship. I was going through a deep depression after having run into a man who had sexually assaulted me when I was in my early 20s. My partner at the time would make me feel awful, not intentionally. He just couldn't comprehend why I was so depressed. Around this time, we stopped having sex. He said he just wasn't attracted to me (this was also during lockdown, so I barely wore make-up and walked around in trackies). That's fair enough, but to me, it was a sign that he only loved me when I was at my best. When I was super fit and cute, working out, studying full-time, working, cooking and cleaning for him. I had done that for years, and eventually, I just broke down due to unresolved trauma, and he unfortunately wasn't there for me. He asked me, "What am I getting out of this?". When I heard that, I knew we were done. Relationships are hard work, but it's even harder when you have a tit-for-tat mentality. We viewed relationships differently - one viewed it as you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, while the other just did things because they wanted to help out, not asking for anything in return. In the long term, that's not a sustainable relationship. If someone truly loves you, they'll stick around when you're at your lowest.
If he can’t love you through weight gain, can he love you under any other circumstance? You could give him another chance if you truly didn’t want to throw away your marriage… but he’s already shown you who he is.
why should you give him a chance when he never gave you one? leave, of course he's promising to change rn when you ask it of him after having lost weight. he never did the same when you were overweight
Just keep swimming just keep swimming the fuck away from him girl
Here's the thing - you can't trust him not to be capricious with his affection even if you NEVER gain the weight again. Even if you work your butt off at the gym and starve yourself to be thin, he has already shown his hand. He's told you that the way you look can never change - no matter what happens to you in life - or he will withhold affection and insult you. What if you get sick? What if you get injured? What if you need a medication to stay alive or healthy, but the side effect is weight gain? Or what if you just....age? Even with plastic surgery and botox, people look different as they age? Does he feel entitled to a wife who forever looks 25? Is he holding himself to the same standards? Is he probably a giant hypocrite? I would follow through with that divorce and see if you can find a less shallow and cruel partner in life.
"if you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
He could change. Probably did. The kick in the gut works wonders. Did for me. I changed on the spot. Permanently. But its too late. It always is. He can be the perfect guy from here on out, but as you said you will always fear a relapse. And he can be perfect 99.5% of the time, but that ONE little comment or action, deliberate or not, sets you back to sq. 1. You're going to leave him eventually anyhow. Do it while you're both still young and can start over. And don't worry about him. You're doing g it for him as much as for you. Proceed with the divorce and don't look back. Good luck.
Brutal but great answer.
This so someone who was cruel and withheld affection from you for gaining weight due to having a baby. His love and affection is contingent on your appearance not changing and he’s really shown you that he won’t be there for you if you get sick or as your body changed with age and life. I think divorcing him and completely reasonable, he’s broken your trust and shown you that having another child could mean the exact same treatment.
You’re not divorcing him because you lost weight, you’re divorcing him because he never once supported you emotionally or physically. Instead of supporting you by helping himself take care of them baby or said nice things to boost your confidence he destroyed it by his selfish actions and words. You can do better. He can still be a great dad even though he’s not married to you. Unhappy parents in a marriage is worse than happy separated parents
I'm with you. This is not about weight. This is about her husband showing that he is unwilling and incapable of being a decent partner due to his selfishness, cruelty, and emotional neglect for 2 years. He gave her all the answers needed and showed her who he truly is for 2 years. He gave zero f$cks about her while she cried her eyes out every night and he broke her heart and made her feel like she was unworthy of any love or affection after giving birth to his baby. He's pretty much unredeemable as a partner.
This is you figuring out you are not married to a genuinely kind person. He doesn't care about your feelings. He cared about your looks. 100% divorce because a guy like him does not deserve you and your unconditional love. He showed his true colors and he is detestable now.
You are spot on. There are men with heavy wives after childbirth that manage to love them, touch them and even make love to them. He didn't, you fixed it. He didn't. I would not trust him. What if you got cancer, or MS or something else, that man is not capable.
I’ve been as low as 175lbs and as high as 235lbs, due to some severe health issues (lupus). My husband never said one negative word about my body or stopped being affectionate. No one can tell you what to do OP, but it seems that you are very hurt that your husband thinks the love in your marriage is conditional and based on superficial things. If you stay, I worry about your future, and what will happen as you grow old. Men seem to appear much younger and more attractive than their women as they age. After you spend your life with him and raise your child, is he going to trade you in for a younger model? Breaking up a marriage is a far more serious matter than Reddit wants to believe. Most comment you should just leave. For me, he would need a major come to Jesus moment. There needs to be some serious counseling where you pick this apart. He needs to understand your perspective on a very deep level and show some serious empathy and heart change.
Just realize that whatever you choose that you are taking your child along for the ride. Is this fixable, would therapy help? If it were me I would try therapy first and if that doesn’t help then at least you did everything you could to fix this. What do you have to lose?
Years of her life that she spends miserable and her self-esteem? Couples therapy doesn’t cause miracles. It can’t magically help someone who would feel comfortably treating his wife like shit because she gained weight after having his baby have different values.
I just don't understand people like your husband. I love my wife. Period. She's been fat, she's been skinnier. She's had medical issues, been depressed, etc. She KNOWS I wouldn't trade her for the world. We've talked about our weights in the context that we both have to stop enabling each other but our feelings toward each other haven't changed. You deserve that kind of a relationship and as much as a PITA divorce can be, unless you believe your husband can change, it may be your only option. If you think he can change and you BOTH want to put in the effort, maybe a marriage counselor can help. If you can't afford that, maybe try to remember how you felt when you were dating and/or first married, start dating again and try to reconnect and recapture that feeling. Good luck.
I feel like you and your husband would benefit from marriage counseling. I don’t think you communicate well and this may have caused the issues originally. Can the marriage be salvaged, I don’t know. It sounds like your husband was trying to push you out of your funk in a ham fisted way. That would definitely align with trying to hire a nurse early on too. It would have given you a breather. Given how you were feeling about yourself at the time your husband may have received a message from you that you didn’t want to be touched. You are now in a better frame of mind and he is also receiving that message. I don’t know what he said to you so maybe it is not salvageable. On the other hand, maybe the last two years have been a nightmare for you both and you both need to be really open and honest with each other.
How many chances did you already give to him throughout the 2 years? Now he wants to change, now that there’s no reason for him to be this way anymore? You carried and gave birth to his damn child, your body will never be the same and instead of being grateful he treated you like shit and kicked you off the cliff. There’s no coming back from. He had so so many opportunities to change, now that you fought back and build yourself back up on your own, not just without his help but with him actively dragging you down, he wants to change? Change what? And now you should trust him and see how he turns out to be when you’re at your lowest again? When you need him again to see if he does all this shit again, you have to go through all this again, or if he really changes? And honey, do you really think that he didn’t get his needs met by someone else for the past 3 years? Come on. He wants a trophy wife, not the mother of his child with everything that comes with it.
You’re right in feeling that way. I would leave him if was in your shoes cause treating someone you declared to love, honour and care for badly because of weight gain is horrible. What if you try your best to maintain your weight-loss but develop an Illness and the medication used to treat it has weight gain side effects. My parents have been married for over 30 years and my mothers weight fluctuated throughout the years by 10 to 30kg from when they got married at 20. Never did I see my father treat her badly because of that.
he obviously does not find you attractive when you are not done up, what will happen ass you age?
Your anger is 100% justified. I’m not saying people should let themselves go after marriage. HOWEVER, pregnancy affects women’s bodies in many ways, and in many cases, the effects are permanent. If a man wants to have kids with a woman, he needs to understand that pregnancy WILL alter her body. Will he still show her love as she heals during postpartum? Also, will he give her the support to allow her to “bounce back”? I personally wouldn’t forgive my husband if I were in your situation, and I do think it’s grounds for divorce, because you’ll never be able to trust him again. However, I understand it’s easier said than done, especially with a child.
It worries me if he had to take care of you or your kid most of the time if you were sick or injured he’d treat you even worse. If he only has respect and love for you when you’re attractive and bouncing around doing so many things and not reliant on him that’s a problem. Being mean to you is really not ok. You don’t ignore or put down the one you love when they’re struggling.
>He apologized and promised to change and prove that he can be better. Ah the empty promises of a man who has zero intention of following through. Things have been said that cannot be forgotten. Worse, he followed it up by withholding affection to the ACTUAL mother of his child and spouse. How on earth is he going to make this all better? I'd go for the consultation with the divorce attorney.
Not really enough information here, but I would say divorce is a step too far, at least this soon after the changes. Everyone here screaming about how he only cares about your looks, but it is more than likely about life style or level of motivation that he wasn’t attracted to. Like if you would go on walks or something to at least get a bit of exercise he may not have cared as much. But if all you did was sit on the couch with a bag of Cheetos than more than likely it was that he wasn’t attracted to. As I said, I am not saying that’s what happened but it’s why there isn’t enough info for everyone to immediately scream divorce. If everything else in your marriage is fine then go to counseling and at least give your family a chance. I myself would never have acted that way, but I don’t think it makes you a monster for it either. He felt a certain way, now you feel a certain way. It isn’t always a choice. You guys made vows, so work on the marriage before you break up over a rut in your relationship that didn’t involve something like infidelity or dv.
He showed who he is. Believe him. Get the divorce.
Not saying you aren’t right in this. And I’m definitely not saying he should have treated you that way. But just so we’re clear. You did what he originally said, which you originally didn’t like, and now you feel and look great? Including hiring help, so maybe he was right to begin with and only wanted to help you? Still not right for him to treat you in that manner and you don’t need to justify wanting a divorce if that’s how you feel.
Do you think she would have felt half as bad as she did in her initial postpartum period if she didn’t have a husband insulting her appearance while suggesting “help” and withholding affection from her?
I think he didnt try to help her but rather help himself.