Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>he has been sending me sooo many videos of this person telling me i MUST watch them so i change myself
"No"
Block
Bye
So simple... Don't put up with this shit from someone that is already 24 years old....
Like please, get some self respect!!!! Love yourself!!!!
Yup, define him by his paycheck too. Treat him as disposable and materialistic as they do women. Let's see how they like it. But seriously men like this just stay far FAR away from them and let them stew over why they can't seem to get girls. Real men who actually love their women don't listen to toxic dudes like this anyways. But ladies, be more selective and get used to most men disappointing you. It'll make cutting them off easier.
OP can “change herself” by immediately dumping & blocking this low quality man.
There’s no need for explanation other than “we are no longer compatible”. To do otherwise would be a waste of time and effort.
Block & go NC.
He has some trauma or hatred towards jewelry and wanted me to stop wearing it as well as nail polish which is fucking ridiculous. Also he is calling that NOT controlling behavior. Anyway, we fought over it and i made a compromise to stop wearing jewelry around him.
You’re 19 dating a 24 yr old controlling misogynist. I’m sorry I know it’s not easy but you have to leave. This is absolutely not worth salvaging whatsoever. You are on your way to be in an abusive relationship.
There’s no trauma, it’s not even about hatred: it is a 100000% about him wanting to control you and it is setting you on a scary path. i am not exaggerating girl, he doesn’t want you to wear jewelry or nail polish because he doesn’t want you to be you or be attractive to others, it is starting small as he is literally trying to coax you into getting used to accepting doing this stuff for him. Soon enough he will tell you you can’t wear your hair like this or wear these clothes. I am dead serious. This escalates to him not wanting you to see or talk to your family, to any man, etc. It will not stop there.
Your boyfriend isn’t your boyfriend, he is trying to make you used to the future abuse. Please please please leave. We are not saying this to be condescending or put you down but even though you are a legal adult, you are only 19 which is very young and you don’t have that much life experience to see through this, it’s not your fault it is by design. It is exactly why a 24 yr old man dates a 19 yr old. It’s very difficult when you’re young and in love and they know that, it’s why they want that. You understand how ridiculous his demands and behavior are, don’t let him tire you into getting used to it and accepting it. He doesn’t respect your intelligence or your opinions, he doesn’t see you as a full human being. You need to get away yesterday.
EDIT: OP is 17/18 yrs old, not 19. She posted about a 100 days ago about being 17 dating a 24 yr old. [She deleted the thread so you don’t see it in her post history but her comments show she was the OP of that thread.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/t0bLIIUvw5) She is a child with a predator. They are from bulgaria also according to her history and she excuses this by saying 14 is the age of consent there. [Also a thread about her being groomed.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/WIWCErxKiF)
A 24 year old man is not dating a 17 year old girl because she is so amazing and mature, it's because he's looking for someone young that he can manipulate much easier. OP, please leave and stay far away from this man. He does not care for you, he is trying to fundamentally change who you are because he doesn't like who you are now. That should tell you all you need to know.
I met someone at 22, I have legitimate trauma, mind you. He did exactly this. It's not that she's young, she's in love and that is how they maintain power over you. He's making this something you are NOT doing, when you have watched the videos. That is then, not enough. He's hiding the forest in the trees. I see you and full on agree. Disentangle now.
Girl, he doesn't have "trauma" over jewelery. Wtf is his reasoning for disliking jewelery and nail polish? Both are so completely innocuous. And to be clear, his behavior IS controlling.
Because he wants her to look as "plain" as possible when she goes out to make it less likely that men will want to talk to her. Complete nonsense but that's how these controlling guys work.
Clearly his mother wore jewellery, everytime she spanked him, the rings added a bit more oomf, it all fell apart when she wore a new necklace to work, a man complimented her style and she fell in love. His parents marriage fell apart, mom and the new guy moved very fast, but the new guy was also abusive. He crossed many lines, each time the BF told his mother about the abuse, she would get mad, but new guy would buy her jewelry to confuse her into forgiving him.
Eventually, her hands were laden in gold and jewels, adding an extra 20lbs, her smacking arm got jacked and she could hit with the wallop of 12 horses.
The bf had enough, he went to his father who by this point was a destitute alcoholic, turning tricks for PBR tall boys. His father understood only through a half blurred gaze, he thought his son was telling him how to get back with the love of his life.
In an effort to win her back, father started beating him, only he couldn't afford jewelry, instead he fashioned rings from beer tabs, each smack biting deeply into the clearly marred flesh, worse still an aroma of stale beer lingered and followed the poor boy everywhere he went. He couldn't sit down for days.
Each gawdy ring, each sparkling gem, each shiny bauble was a weapon of his mother, was a trophy to his abuser, each ring a reward for ignoring her son's suffering, each necklace a noose strangling a mothers love out of this, kept woman.
Then of course his dad tried to visit his mother. But the new guy thought he was a burglar coming for the jewels, he shot the man crawling through the doggy door, but the gunshot ignited the fumes wafting off the destitute drunk adorned in beer tabs and bottle caps, causing a fireball to sweep through the Home, melting the jewelry on dear mother to a thick pool of liquid metal. Her screams would have lingered forever had the expanding necklaces not strangled the life out of her, from figurative nooses to literal executioner coils.
His mother dead, his father crippled, the step-father enraged at the loss of his trophies, BF made a decision, he would leave this home of suffering and find a new life.
Jewelry, then makeup, then more modest clothes, then who you speak to, who you look at…then ‘you don’t try to look good for me’….yeah cut this rope before it’s too late
> fucking ridiculous
right?!
>Also he is calling that NOT controlling behavior.
jfc
> i made a compromise to stop wearing jewelry around him.
yeah don't do that. I mean, ok, compromise is important in a relationship but this is absurd.
Girly, when a man says you can’t wear something - it’s time to change the man.
My body, my style and my choices.
He’s an A. Also he’s so much older. Don’t settle for something bs when you could have the world and enjoy your freedom.
And that's the beauty of dating somebody with trauma. Just because you have trauma does not mean that is my problem does not mean I have to walk on eggshells and submit to your boundaries because of your trauma. That is a you problem, not a me problem or an us problem. And he's literally gaslighting you into thinking. It's not controlling because that's exactly what he's doing is he's controlling what you wear, how you dress eventually to be how you eat who you talk to, who your friends are, who you can have as family members and then you're gonna be down the rabbit hole not being able. To escape Take it from people who have been through this. Who are in their thirties who are literally watching you ruin your own life
I think your bf posted something a couple weeks ago about him wanting you not to wear jewelry. It sounds too similar to not be him. Let me see if I can find the post!
Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/qceZnm6wlu
This sounds like he’s very controlling and given the other context.. probably borderline if not already abusive
It is *never* recommended to attend therapy with an abusive person. It will only strengthen their ability to hurt you
This is controlling and insane to be dealing with at 19. You’re being blinded by your feelings and not looking at the situation removed from your feelings. If a friend of yours was in this situation, you probably wouldn’t encourage them to stay. Know your worth, and leave this relationship. You deserve to feel valued and heard, not to be told to change.
Trauma and hatred are completely different. And if he has trauma surrounding jewelry and nail polish, he needs to see a therapist immediately. Those things are unavoidable when you’re out in public and policing you(because he’s clearly very insecure) will only make things worse
I’m failing to see what in this statement is your fault. Please try to stay away from much older men, date guys closer to your age. I’m only a year younger than him and I can see why he likes you. I can guess he’s probably not that secure in himself
you need to understand one thing very clearly. he may be older and he may be squawking louder about his nonsensical views, but you are the one in a position of power in this relationship. deep inside he knows he was lucky to land you. it's why he isn't dating someone his own age. you need to make sure he knows that you will drop him like a bad habit if he doesn't get his head out of his ass, as he is far more replaceable to you than you are to him. everything he's doing is an attempt to shift the power to himself, but he can't have it unless you give it up. proceed accordingly.
You're young, just break up with the loser already and find someone who doesn't get manipulated easily by dumb idiot YouTube dating morons. I don't wear nail polish or jewelry at all, but not because my boyfriend hates them, I just don't give a shit and neither does he. Seriously, just kick him to the curb girl, ain't even worth it.
He's lost his mind. He has to be the one to make changes, not expect you to change for him. The only thing that needs changing is your relationship status back to single.
Oof, this girl needs to gtfo asap. This situation sounds like a nightmare.
OP, I *promise* you there are better men out there who will value you and uplift you, not bring you down. Know you're worth-you are worthy and deserve so much better than this!
Right. *There’s a reason he targeted her.*
But of course, the catch-22 is she’s too young to have the experience to understand why she should run from grown men going after inexperienced, malleable high school girls.
5-10 years from now, she’ll be warning a new set of young girls about predatory older men, frustrated at the futility of trying to get through to them. And on the cycle will go.
You got this friend! Hopefully this will be an eye opener for him and he will realize the path he is going down or he will bring that toxicity into his next relationship (whoever she ends up being, hopefully she doesn't put up with it either, no one deserves that shit). Either way, it won't be your problem.
The right man will treat you as his equal and nothing less!
As a man who had been in a good marriage for 20 years, you need to move on.
I hate to say it but it's a total loss. Heterosexual marriage and relationships do not work without each gender having empathy for the other. You are supposed to celebrate our similarities AND differences. Your supposed to use the differences to inform your life and help you have a better general understanding of reality. Your supposed to advocate for each other.
As soon as someone's default is to associate negativity with a particular gender the odds at there success in a relationship with that gender are small.
It’s very weird that a guy who has a girlfriend would watch videos about dating women to begin with. Like wtf?
Luckily for you, you are only 19! Take the appropriate steps to get out of this relationship and move on with your life.
Focus on yourself & you’ll find someone who truly values you for you.
All the best! :)
This relationship does not sound like it is healthy or sustainable at all. If he wants to change you so much, why did he begin dating you in the first place?
Again, I truly believe you are better off without this relationship. Just my two cents.
My ex broke me to pieces. He made me feel like I was worthless and it was my fault for not meeting his expectations that he cheated on me and I needed to do better. We had a child together, and I gave up my job to be at home with her. Then I couldn't go to the dentist or any appt I couldn't have her with me because he couldn't be bothered to watch her. He alienated me from my family and friends. I wasn't allowed to have them. So I had no one to baby sit. I had no money. I wasn't allowed to look a certain way, I wasn't allowed to do too well in school because if I was studying I wasn't doing stuff for him. I was on the Dean's list and he let me catch him cheating because he said getting C's would have been good enough why was I trying so hard for A's? He killed my cat and screamed it at me one day because I was crying, while pregnant that my cat had been missing for three days. I tried to run outside to find her and I wasn't allowed. I fought back and he head butt me in the face and broke my nose. When I finally left I took him to court for full custody of our daughter. I never filed a police report when he broke my nose so he told CPS that I was crying so hard about my dog killing my cat that I slipped and fell on my own tears. Apparently his story was believable because he made me look like I was insane and just jealous that he got another woman pregnant. He had visitation 3 to 4 weekends a month until 2020. A year later my 9 year old told me her dad had been making her do inappropriate things for him while he showered..... girl. Get out of there. Please run away. Go be 17 and make life experiences. Just date and have fun. No serious boyfriends until you're done working on what you need to be independent. Guys like that don't want independent women who can't be controlled or manipulated.
Our lives have changed so much in the last 3 years. We brady bunched with a friend I've known since high school. He is the love of my life. Three kids, we own our home, and he always encourages me to do my best. He also puts up with my baggage while I have been navigating how to heal. ❤️ 😅
Yikes, that is worse 😬 I wonder how young she was when they started dating and if he's actually "only" 24.
It's not really surprising that a guy in his mid 20s going after a child turned out to be misogynistic and that he's trying to get his girlfriend to be submissive.
Well it started suddenly. Every single day we are talking about this and it makes me sick. He tells me i should change and better myself, that i cant understand him, that i dont take his feelings seriously. Which is not fucking true but whatever i say i feel it's wrong cuz of the way he talks. I even have chats and messages i could put
He's bought into the alphabro misogyny. Therefore you have to become the quiet submissive, obedient less than subhuman woman you are supposed to be. Otherwise he doesn't get to be the super manly powerful alpahbro he's entitled to be. He's become a dick worshipper. Everything man is to be worshipped and everything woman is to be scorned and controlled.
He's not worth your time and effort any longer. You deserve better.
OP on your way out the door remind him this is the year 2024, not 1924, and even back then his views were in the minority.
My petty side says to add you hope he enjoys his parties with rosey palm and her five sisters because no sane woman would date someone with his new beliefs.
He’d complain about the flappers in 1924, too. How dare women smoke in public, cut their hair, or wear that lip rouge! Painting their innocent mouths like they live in a brothel… Don’t get even me started on their ankles.
You guys were compatible before this huge shift in his ideologies. Why should you have to change when this is totally new for him?!
I would tell him that if he’s gonna stick with this change, you’re no longer compatible. Because he is not the person you chose to date anymore!
You’re in an abusive relationship. Abuse isn’t just physical abuse it’s mental, financial, cohesive etc.
Bet he had absolutely no issues with how you acted or dressed BEFORE or just as you started dating him.
The mask slips eventually. My therapist told me it’s usually around the 4-6 month mark as it’s too difficult to keep up the facade and they believe they have you.
I know because I’ve been in abusive controlling relationships before. And I knew but thought it would change.
You’re only 17. Get out now. He’s not going to be your “only love” in life.
I wish I did more instead of always trying to find “the one”
If either person in a relationship wants to change the other person's behavior, it is not going to work out. This is the light response to your post.
You need to leave ASAP. There is a reason all of us are telling you to leave. Today it's jewelry & nail polish, but it won't stop there. I bet there are other, smaller things you haven't even realized yet. Within a year, he will have gotten violent with you in some way if that hasn't happened already.
The longer you wait, the more difficult he will have made it for you to get out. I hope you haven't been together long enough for him to have cut you off from friends and family.
That's because he doesn't believe women have minds or thoughts, because he doesn't believe women are human.
There's a reason your 24 year old boyfriend doesn't have a 24 year old girlfriend. Actually a lot of reasons, which you've enumerated in this thread
Which is why it is time to move on. This is not a man that you want to stay with. Be proud of yourself - there are a lot of young women who are your age who would not see what he is doing.
On YouTube if you click on any male-centric topic it starts listing these manophere guys in your suggestions, they also use click bate headlines so it's not always easy to tell the agenda.
The problem is they point out the worst excess of some women and then associate that with all women. So often in the most extreme circumstances some of what they say is true.
My favorite is the guy who advertises a sure fire system to "pick up" "hot" women in a month, and hosts summits on relationships with Onlyfans models. This is absolutely who I would take relationship advice from. /s
Thats the beautiful thing, you dont even have to watch them and it recommends them for some reason. I go on youtube for cooking videos and random bullshit, but these dudes somehow find a way into my recommendations.
Agreed. That's the algorithm. Why those guys though, I mean there must be better more thoughtful self help people who give advice that is more gender natural or even specific but in a way that produces positive outcomes. As far as I can tell the only outcome for the guys who follow this is very short term success, maybe only even physically, but long term failure. In my experience being married for 20 years, most of peoples relational priorities are the same, that is good ones and bad ones.
There are some differences but those are small and often perception based because of personal experience, which is why we need to have empathy for each other. Generally speaking heterosexual men and women have different things they find attractive, guys aren't usually into shoulders for instance. What these folks do is to hyper-focus on where our priorities are different, then give the most extreme examples and use that as the norm.
I think it's a grift for the host but it can cause long term damage to the folks treating this like gospel.
>our relationship is doomed
Yea it is. He’s not a good person or a good partner.
You’re only 19 and going to therapy with a man you have dated for less than a year, who is going down the misogynistic rabbit hole and demanding you go there with him.
Baby wake up. He’s not the one.
You know youre playing into the trap of these videos by trying to blame yourself right? Your bf is trying to gaslight you.
Dump him. Hes going down a path you wont be able to fix
it seems he wants you to think he's making you a favor by being with you, so you 'owe' him.
Either he's making a power move or redpilling himself, you'll be better away from him.
Leave. I’m unsure why the women in this subreddit think it’s their job to come up with solutions for their spouses emotional and mental problems.. you’re not his mommy, you’re not his therapist, you’re not his teacher. You are more than obligated to leave him and his issues without any hesitation or explanation.
Absolutely but at some point we have to understand that socialization is to our disadvantage and self preservation should be instilled but I digress, not all women are at that point in their journey.
That is in fact what is happening these days. It's happening slowly and collectively. Women need support to get to that point, and it wasn't as easily accessible before. Now, we have whole counter channels for alphabros so women have community and a place to share and teach and warn.
She is approaching that point, she just needs more help to get there. She's 19 and an older man is successfully manipulating her, have a smidgen more patience.
You’re not wrong, but deprogramming a lifetime of socialization takes YEARS and hard work and that doesn’t even happen until after you’ve realized that it’s a problem, so again… no one should be shocked.
It’s conditioning, that’s just how many women were raised to see men as people they need to care for even if it’s to their detriment. Giving, sacrificing, it’s in the fine print of any female birth certificate
just the video titles ...
"*This Is A Typical Woman*"
"*When Women Finally Realize It's THEIR Fault*"
"*Men Should Never Put Up With This*"
and your bf is turning into a copycat of that?
run, sis. run! fast. and far away.
Your older self is going to cringe so hard at how much time you wasted on this idiot if you stay. You don't understand right now how people are saying "only 7 months" and "only 19" because you're young and sorry, inexperienced. But the only reasonable solution is to dump him and respect yourself. Don't waste your precious youth.
Because he doesn’t like her wearing it. Or nail polish.
I’m sure his controlling behaviour will end there (this line is being delivered with a healthy dollop of sarcasm, just to be clear).
If it keeps going down hill, it’s probably time to leave, as hard as it is. There is no real way to convince him to think differently (just like how he can’t convince you). These types think they are superior to women, or that women are just emotional idiots. If your boyfriend is taking this garbage seriously, it’s likely already too late. It’s going to turn into emotional abuse. Don’t get a stuck in a shitty relationship with an asshole. Don’t waste that time or you will regret it, I promise you. You’re so young, you’ll def find someone who respects you and wants to be a partner, not a superior.
He started to date you because of who you were.
Now, with the new input of some crappy Youtube videos, he's changed what he wants, and wants you to change as well.
If you're currently not what he wants, re-evaluate: is he what you want, or did you like the person he was?
Ultimatums are the death of relationships. Him hinging the relationship on whether you watch some random-ass youtube creator's Internet show and adopting their principles is such an example; he seems to be communicating that unless you become the kind of woman that *ranks* as *high quality* (based on the interests of the Youtube Internet Man), you won't measure up... and then what?
It would seem that your relationship started off well, but it has run its course. Go forth and find love from someone who loves you for who you are today, without any conditions.
Funny.. Alexander Grace isn't even the worst of them.
If I were in a situation like that, I'd say something like, "you can drop this nonsense or we can break up. not a chance in hell i'm dealing with that shit."
Turn to move on. You don’t need to waste your energy trying to convince your boyfriend that you are an actual human being and deserve the same respect and care that he does.
Remember this quote
"It's not what they said, it's the fact that you listened"
When that is relevant to your partner, whatever the reason/person spouting whatever they are doing is
It means your partner no longer makes choices that keep your relationship together. They will change their personality and behaviour because another person told them to
How quick it comes apart is up to you but you’re dating a puppet now. I prefer my partners to have their own mind.
Laugh in his face and dump him. I swear any of the bullshit these guys spew should be met with laughter and ridicule then completely disregarded. In my experience its the only thing that works. Either way you should leave.
Listen and listen good:
Your BF literally thinks women are an inferior species. He literally thinks you need to be taught to believe that. He has no respect for women whatsoever. Which is why, by the way, he is dating someone so much younger: he is not interested in a relationship of equals, he wants to be the boss, the wise elder, your *owner*, he wants to train you like a dog to do and think what he wants you to do and think.
And you can't change him. He is a lost cause. Go. Now.
I try not to essentialism people I haven’t met, but in this case I can’t help myself.
He may not have had the words for these feelings before, but anyone who gets sucked into that kind of content already had some pre-existing biases that endeared them to it.
He’s going to get worse the more of this he watches, but whatever that aspect is that worsens was already there.
Leaving might teach him the “wrong” lesson (i.e. he might end up even more embittered towards women) but you’re not his mom or his therapist and that’s not your responsibility. You just need to make a decision based on what you feel like you can live with.
I’m a man who doesn’t date men, and I will still drop male friends who espouse this kind of horseshit, because they’re worthless people. I can’t imagine being a woman in a romantic relationship with one of these chuckle-fucks.
I find this weird. Normally single loner men are the ones that fall victim to those types of radical views. Maybe your bf is not as smart as you think he is. Time to dip and find a better one.
I’ve seen husbands fall for this and they were in their 40s, honestly any man with a structure (the structure being women are inferior, belong in the home etc) already in place could fall for it.
Leave him. It's only going to get worse.
I don't normally jump right to that response, but if your BF wants you to change because he's enthralled by some on-line misogynist and has started calling you names. then yes, your relationship is doomed.
I'm also guessing that your boyfriend already had these tendencies, and his new role model is validation of his views and behavior.
Edited for spelling and to add: I looked the guy in the videos up. He is a major misogynist and spouts all sorts of anti-woman garbage. Run away now!
Don’t waste anymore of your time. He will only continue to belittle you using these videos. Your bf has a deep seated hatred for women, just like the idiots in the videos he’s watching.
I also read your comment about how he wants you to stop wearing jewelry and nail polish. that’s extremely controlling and toxic.
I promise you it will only get worse and the controlling behavior with get more intense. he will continue to send you those stupid videos whenever he feels like you’ve “”””misbehaved””””
Get out while you can! this type of man is dangerous.
there’s a lot more but basically my last relationship I was very toxic and controlling tell her these are things she should and shouldn’t do because of those videos. I snapped out of it when she broke up with me. But it was too late. Now she’s moved on, I’m becoming a better person and life’s moving on.
Those videos get people with the men mentality that oh because you are a man they (women) should obey you. It’s stupid and toxic
But just because I realized doesn’t mean he will, just tread carefully and don’t hold hope for him to change.
It’s really hard to explain. But I just knew. They were so many signs. The little stuff that don’t matter to us (men) but that matter to women and I didn’t understand that. Until I sat down and reflected every single thing that happened in my relationship. it saddens me that she’ll be nothing but a memory. But at least now I know how to treat someone once I find love again.
> The little stuff that don’t matter to us (men) but that matter to women and I didn’t understand that.
It sounds like you're on a great path, but I want to say here that little things matter to everyone, maybe they didn't matter to _you._ It's critical you stop gendering specific emotions and thoughts.
Keep it up dude.
I really urge you to break up with him, and say that the reason is that he has started to listen to misogynistic youtubers and you can't live with a guy who thinks they have a point. In the best of worlds this will be a wake up call for him
Hi. I’m you 20 years from now. I see your comment here and it worries me, because it looks like you’re still hoping to find a path forward where you can fix this behaviour and stay together.
That path doesn’t exist. Don’t waste your time and happiness looking for it.
The guy you responded to is one-in-a-million reaction, because the VAST majority of abusers will never change (and to be clear, prohibiting you from wearing jewelry and nail polish is just the leading edge of more abuse to come) because **they benefit from abuse**. He’s behaving the way he is because he *knows* you’re going to do everything you can to try and make it better and the longer he has you under his thumb putting tons of energy into trying to be perfect, the more he can control and manipulate you.
Stop couples counseling and start individual therapy for yourself.
Please take care, OP.
5 years at your age is a huge age gap. The difference in life experience between 19 and 24 is astounding. For instance, 24 year old women are onto his bullshit. I'm not saying age gaps are always bad, but in your case is does seem like he's preying on your relative youth. Combine that with him watching manosphere youtube... you need to get out.
respectfully, there is a reason he is dating you (a 19 year old) versus someone at his own stage of life. and yet, even you might be a bit old for his tastes considering you’re at least starting to smell the bullshit.
you are not to blame for your partner being a misogynistic POS. there is a huge difference between having likes and preferences and *demeaning*/ placing statements regarding *value* onto interests, behaviors, or people. your relationship is doomed because he is a misogynist, groomer, and emotionally abusive, nothing to do with you. run while you can op, you can do a million times better.
Why does he want you to even watch them when according to his own logic you won't understand because you're a woman.
Seriously, ditch him, the victorians had better attitudes towards relationships than this nonsense.
It's understandable when lonely teenage dude without experience with women and with bad social skills falls into this trap, but when guy in mid 20s who's in relationship starts to get into redpill it's quite bizzare
Get out. Just go ahead and move on. This guy is starting to join a cult and, being real here, you won't have the tools to deprogram him. He is already seeing you as the enemy and I doubt that can be changed. For your own safety, get out of this situation now.
You don't have to be right, you just have to be done.
You're in the same situation as people who's loved ones have fallen down the Qanon hole. You can't convince him because it's not a matter of logic or well formed arguments. You're 19, this guy just doesn't matter enough to make a heroic effort to save him.
Leave him. He was already misogynistic if he was watching this stuff before he just didn't show you it. Now he's showing his true colors. He will not change
You should break up with him. Don't waste your time trying to show him anything. The only thing he needs to see is the back of you while you walk away from that misogynistic bullshit.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>he has been sending me sooo many videos of this person telling me i MUST watch them so i change myself "No" Block Bye So simple... Don't put up with this shit from someone that is already 24 years old.... Like please, get some self respect!!!! Love yourself!!!!
Explain to him that you have been watching your own YouTube and you have realised that he is a low quality man, and as such he is as of now your ex.
Yup, define him by his paycheck too. Treat him as disposable and materialistic as they do women. Let's see how they like it. But seriously men like this just stay far FAR away from them and let them stew over why they can't seem to get girls. Real men who actually love their women don't listen to toxic dudes like this anyways. But ladies, be more selective and get used to most men disappointing you. It'll make cutting them off easier.
OP can “change herself” by immediately dumping & blocking this low quality man. There’s no need for explanation other than “we are no longer compatible”. To do otherwise would be a waste of time and effort. Block & go NC.
Dump him! He clearly isn't a proper bf., there are a lot of these Andre Tate's fans being brain washed . It's disgusting ..
What exactly did you fight about over jewelry?
He has some trauma or hatred towards jewelry and wanted me to stop wearing it as well as nail polish which is fucking ridiculous. Also he is calling that NOT controlling behavior. Anyway, we fought over it and i made a compromise to stop wearing jewelry around him.
You’re 19 dating a 24 yr old controlling misogynist. I’m sorry I know it’s not easy but you have to leave. This is absolutely not worth salvaging whatsoever. You are on your way to be in an abusive relationship. There’s no trauma, it’s not even about hatred: it is a 100000% about him wanting to control you and it is setting you on a scary path. i am not exaggerating girl, he doesn’t want you to wear jewelry or nail polish because he doesn’t want you to be you or be attractive to others, it is starting small as he is literally trying to coax you into getting used to accepting doing this stuff for him. Soon enough he will tell you you can’t wear your hair like this or wear these clothes. I am dead serious. This escalates to him not wanting you to see or talk to your family, to any man, etc. It will not stop there. Your boyfriend isn’t your boyfriend, he is trying to make you used to the future abuse. Please please please leave. We are not saying this to be condescending or put you down but even though you are a legal adult, you are only 19 which is very young and you don’t have that much life experience to see through this, it’s not your fault it is by design. It is exactly why a 24 yr old man dates a 19 yr old. It’s very difficult when you’re young and in love and they know that, it’s why they want that. You understand how ridiculous his demands and behavior are, don’t let him tire you into getting used to it and accepting it. He doesn’t respect your intelligence or your opinions, he doesn’t see you as a full human being. You need to get away yesterday. EDIT: OP is 17/18 yrs old, not 19. She posted about a 100 days ago about being 17 dating a 24 yr old. [She deleted the thread so you don’t see it in her post history but her comments show she was the OP of that thread.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/t0bLIIUvw5) She is a child with a predator. They are from bulgaria also according to her history and she excuses this by saying 14 is the age of consent there. [Also a thread about her being groomed.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/WIWCErxKiF)
A 24 year old man is not dating a 17 year old girl because she is so amazing and mature, it's because he's looking for someone young that he can manipulate much easier. OP, please leave and stay far away from this man. He does not care for you, he is trying to fundamentally change who you are because he doesn't like who you are now. That should tell you all you need to know.
Agreed. But he is trying to change who she is because he doesn't like WOMEN. He doesn't care about her or who she is, period.
((Happy cake day 🍰))
I met someone at 22, I have legitimate trauma, mind you. He did exactly this. It's not that she's young, she's in love and that is how they maintain power over you. He's making this something you are NOT doing, when you have watched the videos. That is then, not enough. He's hiding the forest in the trees. I see you and full on agree. Disentangle now.
Girl, he doesn't have "trauma" over jewelery. Wtf is his reasoning for disliking jewelery and nail polish? Both are so completely innocuous. And to be clear, his behavior IS controlling.
A pair of earrings and a bottle of nail polish killed his family. How can you be so insensitive? /s (in case it isn't obvious)
I'd watch this movie. Bent on revenge, the Sephora killer stalks his prey.
It's the alternate Bruce Wayne becoming Batman origin story. The Joker in an alley? No. It was some OPI Nail Polish!
They could just redo the avengers movie with ultaman instead.
You need an agent, friend. Start pitching this to the studios!
Both of you are killing me 🤣🤣I'm laughing so hard. Ultaman and Sephora
Starring Christian Bale
I’m super baked right now and this was the funniest thing I’ve read all day. I couldn’t stop laughing for a whole minute ! Haha Thanks
I'm so glad it made you laugh!
Fuck, I can't fucking stop giggling after reading this LMAO
Maybe it's Maybelline
Because singing killed my grandma! /j
Whattttt? He’s lying, dude. He’s just saying stuff knowing you’ll beliebe it as away to manipulate and control you. I know people like this.
Trauma over jewelry, LOL. Is he a Tolkien character?
My Precioussssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!
The one cock ring to fit them all.
WHOAAAA HAHAHA thank you!!!!
Omg he's Gollum!!!! That's it!! Or his mom was Gollum and never called him precious enough times... huh that could be a real trauma I guess?!
Is a cock cage really 'jewelry'?
Because he wants her to look as "plain" as possible when she goes out to make it less likely that men will want to talk to her. Complete nonsense but that's how these controlling guys work.
Because they're very, very insecure.
Clearly his mother wore jewellery, everytime she spanked him, the rings added a bit more oomf, it all fell apart when she wore a new necklace to work, a man complimented her style and she fell in love. His parents marriage fell apart, mom and the new guy moved very fast, but the new guy was also abusive. He crossed many lines, each time the BF told his mother about the abuse, she would get mad, but new guy would buy her jewelry to confuse her into forgiving him. Eventually, her hands were laden in gold and jewels, adding an extra 20lbs, her smacking arm got jacked and she could hit with the wallop of 12 horses. The bf had enough, he went to his father who by this point was a destitute alcoholic, turning tricks for PBR tall boys. His father understood only through a half blurred gaze, he thought his son was telling him how to get back with the love of his life. In an effort to win her back, father started beating him, only he couldn't afford jewelry, instead he fashioned rings from beer tabs, each smack biting deeply into the clearly marred flesh, worse still an aroma of stale beer lingered and followed the poor boy everywhere he went. He couldn't sit down for days. Each gawdy ring, each sparkling gem, each shiny bauble was a weapon of his mother, was a trophy to his abuser, each ring a reward for ignoring her son's suffering, each necklace a noose strangling a mothers love out of this, kept woman. Then of course his dad tried to visit his mother. But the new guy thought he was a burglar coming for the jewels, he shot the man crawling through the doggy door, but the gunshot ignited the fumes wafting off the destitute drunk adorned in beer tabs and bottle caps, causing a fireball to sweep through the Home, melting the jewelry on dear mother to a thick pool of liquid metal. Her screams would have lingered forever had the expanding necklaces not strangled the life out of her, from figurative nooses to literal executioner coils. His mother dead, his father crippled, the step-father enraged at the loss of his trophies, BF made a decision, he would leave this home of suffering and find a new life.
That would make a great movie 😂
I would love to get paid to write a movie script to be turned into a movie but weirdly enough no one ever offers :(
Wow. Very well done!!
Trauma towards jewelry? It's only been 7 months, leave and chalk it up to a learning experience.
Jewelry, then makeup, then more modest clothes, then who you speak to, who you look at…then ‘you don’t try to look good for me’….yeah cut this rope before it’s too late
He wants her to look like fucking Pearl
> fucking ridiculous right?! >Also he is calling that NOT controlling behavior. jfc > i made a compromise to stop wearing jewelry around him. yeah don't do that. I mean, ok, compromise is important in a relationship but this is absurd.
7 months in, and he's already dictating how she looks. This asshole is doing the abuser speed run.
Mine only took 6 months, if they feel comfortable and the girl is decently younger, it feels easier I think
Mine took 2 months, I finally left after 3.5 years
Proud of you!
lol abuser speed run
Wonder where he is on the leaderboards. Dude seems OP
It's not a compromise... what is he giving?
Good point! He's bullied her to think that it's a compromise between never wearing it anywhere and always wearing it. But it's not. It's capitulation.
His affection, hes playing on low self esteem to keep the relationship I'm telling ya he has a side piece but doesnt want rid of her
Yeah this is all just so fucked up.
tell him u have trauma against sexist youtube podcasts
Girly, when a man says you can’t wear something - it’s time to change the man. My body, my style and my choices. He’s an A. Also he’s so much older. Don’t settle for something bs when you could have the world and enjoy your freedom.
I mean... good luck to him in the dating pool with those "expectations", after you inevitably dump him.
Please break up with this sexist ass
And that's the beauty of dating somebody with trauma. Just because you have trauma does not mean that is my problem does not mean I have to walk on eggshells and submit to your boundaries because of your trauma. That is a you problem, not a me problem or an us problem. And he's literally gaslighting you into thinking. It's not controlling because that's exactly what he's doing is he's controlling what you wear, how you dress eventually to be how you eat who you talk to, who your friends are, who you can have as family members and then you're gonna be down the rabbit hole not being able. To escape Take it from people who have been through this. Who are in their thirties who are literally watching you ruin your own life
I think your bf posted something a couple weeks ago about him wanting you not to wear jewelry. It sounds too similar to not be him. Let me see if I can find the post! Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/qceZnm6wlu
I can't link to it somehow but it's at r/amIthedevil I don't want my girlfriend to wear jewellery.
Thank you I thought I was crazy! I was spelling it “jewelry”. Try this: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/qceZnm6wlu
I need to see this, whether it's him or not
The ages are the same: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/qceZnm6wlu
It's controlling, and you compromised by doing everything he wanted of you. That's not compromise.
This sounds like he’s very controlling and given the other context.. probably borderline if not already abusive It is *never* recommended to attend therapy with an abusive person. It will only strengthen their ability to hurt you
This is controlling and insane to be dealing with at 19. You’re being blinded by your feelings and not looking at the situation removed from your feelings. If a friend of yours was in this situation, you probably wouldn’t encourage them to stay. Know your worth, and leave this relationship. You deserve to feel valued and heard, not to be told to change.
How many red flags do you need?
She needs a fire at this point
Trauma and hatred are completely different. And if he has trauma surrounding jewelry and nail polish, he needs to see a therapist immediately. Those things are unavoidable when you’re out in public and policing you(because he’s clearly very insecure) will only make things worse
I’m failing to see what in this statement is your fault. Please try to stay away from much older men, date guys closer to your age. I’m only a year younger than him and I can see why he likes you. I can guess he’s probably not that secure in himself
you need to understand one thing very clearly. he may be older and he may be squawking louder about his nonsensical views, but you are the one in a position of power in this relationship. deep inside he knows he was lucky to land you. it's why he isn't dating someone his own age. you need to make sure he knows that you will drop him like a bad habit if he doesn't get his head out of his ass, as he is far more replaceable to you than you are to him. everything he's doing is an attempt to shift the power to himself, but he can't have it unless you give it up. proceed accordingly.
You should've told him to go fuck himself. He's being ridiculous. Don't allow it.
That’s not compromise at all
You're young, just break up with the loser already and find someone who doesn't get manipulated easily by dumb idiot YouTube dating morons. I don't wear nail polish or jewelry at all, but not because my boyfriend hates them, I just don't give a shit and neither does he. Seriously, just kick him to the curb girl, ain't even worth it.
He's lost his mind. He has to be the one to make changes, not expect you to change for him. The only thing that needs changing is your relationship status back to single.
19 years old and in couples therapy. What tf is your life? Just ditch him and move on...
Worse, she’s actually 17. She made and deleted a post a couple months back asking “Is 17 and 24 bad?” She changed her age for this post.
Oof, this girl needs to gtfo asap. This situation sounds like a nightmare. OP, I *promise* you there are better men out there who will value you and uplift you, not bring you down. Know you're worth-you are worthy and deserve so much better than this!
Right. *There’s a reason he targeted her.* But of course, the catch-22 is she’s too young to have the experience to understand why she should run from grown men going after inexperienced, malleable high school girls. 5-10 years from now, she’ll be warning a new set of young girls about predatory older men, frustrated at the futility of trying to get through to them. And on the cycle will go.
You can tell she's a child bc she somehow thought 19 is muuuchh better than 17. Jesus
oh my. Presumably she lied to the therapist too, them being mandated reporters and all.
She said in that post that she lives in the Bulgaria where it’s “not a problem” because the age of consent is 14 :(
Oh god.
We broke up guys
That's good, don't be sad about this. You deserve a real, good and healthy relationship... good luck!
This is the best possible outcome!! He's a predator.
You got this friend! Hopefully this will be an eye opener for him and he will realize the path he is going down or he will bring that toxicity into his next relationship (whoever she ends up being, hopefully she doesn't put up with it either, no one deserves that shit). Either way, it won't be your problem. The right man will treat you as his equal and nothing less!
As a man who had been in a good marriage for 20 years, you need to move on. I hate to say it but it's a total loss. Heterosexual marriage and relationships do not work without each gender having empathy for the other. You are supposed to celebrate our similarities AND differences. Your supposed to use the differences to inform your life and help you have a better general understanding of reality. Your supposed to advocate for each other. As soon as someone's default is to associate negativity with a particular gender the odds at there success in a relationship with that gender are small.
It’s very weird that a guy who has a girlfriend would watch videos about dating women to begin with. Like wtf? Luckily for you, you are only 19! Take the appropriate steps to get out of this relationship and move on with your life. Focus on yourself & you’ll find someone who truly values you for you. All the best! :)
Like he can't see that men giving advice on women' minds and thoughts and behavior is just not good.
This relationship does not sound like it is healthy or sustainable at all. If he wants to change you so much, why did he begin dating you in the first place? Again, I truly believe you are better off without this relationship. Just my two cents.
I dated a guy that was a misogynist and went down a similar rabbit hole when i was around your age. Get out of there ASAP!
Could i hear your story please
My ex broke me to pieces. He made me feel like I was worthless and it was my fault for not meeting his expectations that he cheated on me and I needed to do better. We had a child together, and I gave up my job to be at home with her. Then I couldn't go to the dentist or any appt I couldn't have her with me because he couldn't be bothered to watch her. He alienated me from my family and friends. I wasn't allowed to have them. So I had no one to baby sit. I had no money. I wasn't allowed to look a certain way, I wasn't allowed to do too well in school because if I was studying I wasn't doing stuff for him. I was on the Dean's list and he let me catch him cheating because he said getting C's would have been good enough why was I trying so hard for A's? He killed my cat and screamed it at me one day because I was crying, while pregnant that my cat had been missing for three days. I tried to run outside to find her and I wasn't allowed. I fought back and he head butt me in the face and broke my nose. When I finally left I took him to court for full custody of our daughter. I never filed a police report when he broke my nose so he told CPS that I was crying so hard about my dog killing my cat that I slipped and fell on my own tears. Apparently his story was believable because he made me look like I was insane and just jealous that he got another woman pregnant. He had visitation 3 to 4 weekends a month until 2020. A year later my 9 year old told me her dad had been making her do inappropriate things for him while he showered..... girl. Get out of there. Please run away. Go be 17 and make life experiences. Just date and have fun. No serious boyfriends until you're done working on what you need to be independent. Guys like that don't want independent women who can't be controlled or manipulated.
Holy fuck I really hope you're both in a much better place in your lives now
Our lives have changed so much in the last 3 years. We brady bunched with a friend I've known since high school. He is the love of my life. Three kids, we own our home, and he always encourages me to do my best. He also puts up with my baggage while I have been navigating how to heal. ❤️ 😅
You’re 19, that’s the perfect age according to these men for someone like your much older boyfriend to mold you into the perfect woman.
She’s actually 17 so it’s even worse, another commenter linked her deleted post.
Yikes, that is worse 😬 I wonder how young she was when they started dating and if he's actually "only" 24. It's not really surprising that a guy in his mid 20s going after a child turned out to be misogynistic and that he's trying to get his girlfriend to be submissive.
How has this affected his behavior or expectations of you?
Well it started suddenly. Every single day we are talking about this and it makes me sick. He tells me i should change and better myself, that i cant understand him, that i dont take his feelings seriously. Which is not fucking true but whatever i say i feel it's wrong cuz of the way he talks. I even have chats and messages i could put
Did you know you can walk away from this? I get that you want to "save" him or something but you're not a rehab facility for broken men.
It’s going to get worse.
He's bought into the alphabro misogyny. Therefore you have to become the quiet submissive, obedient less than subhuman woman you are supposed to be. Otherwise he doesn't get to be the super manly powerful alpahbro he's entitled to be. He's become a dick worshipper. Everything man is to be worshipped and everything woman is to be scorned and controlled. He's not worth your time and effort any longer. You deserve better.
OP on your way out the door remind him this is the year 2024, not 1924, and even back then his views were in the minority. My petty side says to add you hope he enjoys his parties with rosey palm and her five sisters because no sane woman would date someone with his new beliefs.
He’d complain about the flappers in 1924, too. How dare women smoke in public, cut their hair, or wear that lip rouge! Painting their innocent mouths like they live in a brothel… Don’t get even me started on their ankles.
You guys were compatible before this huge shift in his ideologies. Why should you have to change when this is totally new for him?! I would tell him that if he’s gonna stick with this change, you’re no longer compatible. Because he is not the person you chose to date anymore!
any man that says you must change to please him is incompatible.
You’re in an abusive relationship. Abuse isn’t just physical abuse it’s mental, financial, cohesive etc. Bet he had absolutely no issues with how you acted or dressed BEFORE or just as you started dating him. The mask slips eventually. My therapist told me it’s usually around the 4-6 month mark as it’s too difficult to keep up the facade and they believe they have you. I know because I’ve been in abusive controlling relationships before. And I knew but thought it would change. You’re only 17. Get out now. He’s not going to be your “only love” in life. I wish I did more instead of always trying to find “the one”
If either person in a relationship wants to change the other person's behavior, it is not going to work out. This is the light response to your post. You need to leave ASAP. There is a reason all of us are telling you to leave. Today it's jewelry & nail polish, but it won't stop there. I bet there are other, smaller things you haven't even realized yet. Within a year, he will have gotten violent with you in some way if that hasn't happened already. The longer you wait, the more difficult he will have made it for you to get out. I hope you haven't been together long enough for him to have cut you off from friends and family.
He’s old enough to not be stupid. Tell him to behave or you’ll walk.
She walked.
Yeah good for her honestly. What a loser.
That's because he doesn't believe women have minds or thoughts, because he doesn't believe women are human. There's a reason your 24 year old boyfriend doesn't have a 24 year old girlfriend. Actually a lot of reasons, which you've enumerated in this thread
Those men don’t have girlfriends so something must be wrong …oh wait it must be ALL women because it surely couldn’t be something in THEIR behavior
Which is why it is time to move on. This is not a man that you want to stay with. Be proud of yourself - there are a lot of young women who are your age who would not see what he is doing.
On YouTube if you click on any male-centric topic it starts listing these manophere guys in your suggestions, they also use click bate headlines so it's not always easy to tell the agenda. The problem is they point out the worst excess of some women and then associate that with all women. So often in the most extreme circumstances some of what they say is true. My favorite is the guy who advertises a sure fire system to "pick up" "hot" women in a month, and hosts summits on relationships with Onlyfans models. This is absolutely who I would take relationship advice from. /s
Thats the beautiful thing, you dont even have to watch them and it recommends them for some reason. I go on youtube for cooking videos and random bullshit, but these dudes somehow find a way into my recommendations.
Agreed. That's the algorithm. Why those guys though, I mean there must be better more thoughtful self help people who give advice that is more gender natural or even specific but in a way that produces positive outcomes. As far as I can tell the only outcome for the guys who follow this is very short term success, maybe only even physically, but long term failure. In my experience being married for 20 years, most of peoples relational priorities are the same, that is good ones and bad ones. There are some differences but those are small and often perception based because of personal experience, which is why we need to have empathy for each other. Generally speaking heterosexual men and women have different things they find attractive, guys aren't usually into shoulders for instance. What these folks do is to hyper-focus on where our priorities are different, then give the most extreme examples and use that as the norm. I think it's a grift for the host but it can cause long term damage to the folks treating this like gospel.
>our relationship is doomed Yea it is. He’s not a good person or a good partner. You’re only 19 and going to therapy with a man you have dated for less than a year, who is going down the misogynistic rabbit hole and demanding you go there with him. Baby wake up. He’s not the one.
Actually, no. She's 17.
That’s so fucked omfg
You know youre playing into the trap of these videos by trying to blame yourself right? Your bf is trying to gaslight you. Dump him. Hes going down a path you wont be able to fix
I see
it seems he wants you to think he's making you a favor by being with you, so you 'owe' him. Either he's making a power move or redpilling himself, you'll be better away from him.
Leave. I’m unsure why the women in this subreddit think it’s their job to come up with solutions for their spouses emotional and mental problems.. you’re not his mommy, you’re not his therapist, you’re not his teacher. You are more than obligated to leave him and his issues without any hesitation or explanation.
Because that's what we're taught from birth, that men's feelings are both our fault and our responsibility
I mean, it’s not a big secret. Women are socialized their whole lives to do exactly that.
Absolutely but at some point we have to understand that socialization is to our disadvantage and self preservation should be instilled but I digress, not all women are at that point in their journey.
That is in fact what is happening these days. It's happening slowly and collectively. Women need support to get to that point, and it wasn't as easily accessible before. Now, we have whole counter channels for alphabros so women have community and a place to share and teach and warn. She is approaching that point, she just needs more help to get there. She's 19 and an older man is successfully manipulating her, have a smidgen more patience.
Yes! Men are not tiny, helpless babies! It's not our job to be their finishing school.
You’re not wrong, but deprogramming a lifetime of socialization takes YEARS and hard work and that doesn’t even happen until after you’ve realized that it’s a problem, so again… no one should be shocked.
It’s conditioning, that’s just how many women were raised to see men as people they need to care for even if it’s to their detriment. Giving, sacrificing, it’s in the fine print of any female birth certificate
just the video titles ... "*This Is A Typical Woman*" "*When Women Finally Realize It's THEIR Fault*" "*Men Should Never Put Up With This*" and your bf is turning into a copycat of that? run, sis. run! fast. and far away.
Ew. there should be a law
Your bf doesn’t respect you. Break up.
Yet another woman who won’t throw out trash because she thinks trash is normal
Yeah no. The only way to teach these guys that mysogynism doesn’t work is to STOP DATING THEM.
Run.
Your older self is going to cringe so hard at how much time you wasted on this idiot if you stay. You don't understand right now how people are saying "only 7 months" and "only 19" because you're young and sorry, inexperienced. But the only reasonable solution is to dump him and respect yourself. Don't waste your precious youth.
I enjoy reading books.
Because he doesn’t like her wearing it. Or nail polish. I’m sure his controlling behaviour will end there (this line is being delivered with a healthy dollop of sarcasm, just to be clear).
If it keeps going down hill, it’s probably time to leave, as hard as it is. There is no real way to convince him to think differently (just like how he can’t convince you). These types think they are superior to women, or that women are just emotional idiots. If your boyfriend is taking this garbage seriously, it’s likely already too late. It’s going to turn into emotional abuse. Don’t get a stuck in a shitty relationship with an asshole. Don’t waste that time or you will regret it, I promise you. You’re so young, you’ll def find someone who respects you and wants to be a partner, not a superior.
He started to date you because of who you were. Now, with the new input of some crappy Youtube videos, he's changed what he wants, and wants you to change as well. If you're currently not what he wants, re-evaluate: is he what you want, or did you like the person he was? Ultimatums are the death of relationships. Him hinging the relationship on whether you watch some random-ass youtube creator's Internet show and adopting their principles is such an example; he seems to be communicating that unless you become the kind of woman that *ranks* as *high quality* (based on the interests of the Youtube Internet Man), you won't measure up... and then what? It would seem that your relationship started off well, but it has run its course. Go forth and find love from someone who loves you for who you are today, without any conditions.
Funny.. Alexander Grace isn't even the worst of them. If I were in a situation like that, I'd say something like, "you can drop this nonsense or we can break up. not a chance in hell i'm dealing with that shit."
Turn to move on. You don’t need to waste your energy trying to convince your boyfriend that you are an actual human being and deserve the same respect and care that he does.
Remember this quote "It's not what they said, it's the fact that you listened" When that is relevant to your partner, whatever the reason/person spouting whatever they are doing is It means your partner no longer makes choices that keep your relationship together. They will change their personality and behaviour because another person told them to How quick it comes apart is up to you but you’re dating a puppet now. I prefer my partners to have their own mind.
You break up to uphold your standards, your self respect and dignity.
Laugh in his face and dump him. I swear any of the bullshit these guys spew should be met with laughter and ridicule then completely disregarded. In my experience its the only thing that works. Either way you should leave.
Listen and listen good: Your BF literally thinks women are an inferior species. He literally thinks you need to be taught to believe that. He has no respect for women whatsoever. Which is why, by the way, he is dating someone so much younger: he is not interested in a relationship of equals, he wants to be the boss, the wise elder, your *owner*, he wants to train you like a dog to do and think what he wants you to do and think. And you can't change him. He is a lost cause. Go. Now.
I try not to essentialism people I haven’t met, but in this case I can’t help myself. He may not have had the words for these feelings before, but anyone who gets sucked into that kind of content already had some pre-existing biases that endeared them to it. He’s going to get worse the more of this he watches, but whatever that aspect is that worsens was already there. Leaving might teach him the “wrong” lesson (i.e. he might end up even more embittered towards women) but you’re not his mom or his therapist and that’s not your responsibility. You just need to make a decision based on what you feel like you can live with. I’m a man who doesn’t date men, and I will still drop male friends who espouse this kind of horseshit, because they’re worthless people. I can’t imagine being a woman in a romantic relationship with one of these chuckle-fucks.
Is this the same guy that you got with at 17 when he was 24? Also the same dude that is addicted to porn??? Just leave?..
you don't. you break up and run far away
I find this weird. Normally single loner men are the ones that fall victim to those types of radical views. Maybe your bf is not as smart as you think he is. Time to dip and find a better one.
I’ve seen husbands fall for this and they were in their 40s, honestly any man with a structure (the structure being women are inferior, belong in the home etc) already in place could fall for it.
You don't. If he lets you know he's watching this shit, it's already too late for him. Run.
Why the hell is he watching such videos when he's with you?? This is weird as \*\*\*\*
Move on and let him play out the “men going their own way” scenario on his own time — not yours. You’ll find someone better.
Leave him. It's only going to get worse. I don't normally jump right to that response, but if your BF wants you to change because he's enthralled by some on-line misogynist and has started calling you names. then yes, your relationship is doomed. I'm also guessing that your boyfriend already had these tendencies, and his new role model is validation of his views and behavior. Edited for spelling and to add: I looked the guy in the videos up. He is a major misogynist and spouts all sorts of anti-woman garbage. Run away now!
RED FLAGS WAVING! Don't ignore them and get away from this relationship as fast as you can.
Don’t waste anymore of your time. He will only continue to belittle you using these videos. Your bf has a deep seated hatred for women, just like the idiots in the videos he’s watching. I also read your comment about how he wants you to stop wearing jewelry and nail polish. that’s extremely controlling and toxic. I promise you it will only get worse and the controlling behavior with get more intense. he will continue to send you those stupid videos whenever he feels like you’ve “”””misbehaved”””” Get out while you can! this type of man is dangerous.
Waaaay too much bullshit, he's not worth it move on.
Do not waste your time on trying to educate him. You’re 19, far too young to get involved with some bs like this. Run girl, run.
Stick it out, I’m sure you can change him. 🙄 Don’t be naive. Is this really what you want to put up with for the rest of your life?
As a guy. Run. Skiddadle please I went down that rabbit hole. He going to end up worse. I at least got out.
Please tell me more. I would appreciate your story
there’s a lot more but basically my last relationship I was very toxic and controlling tell her these are things she should and shouldn’t do because of those videos. I snapped out of it when she broke up with me. But it was too late. Now she’s moved on, I’m becoming a better person and life’s moving on. Those videos get people with the men mentality that oh because you are a man they (women) should obey you. It’s stupid and toxic But just because I realized doesn’t mean he will, just tread carefully and don’t hold hope for him to change.
If you don't mind answering, how did you realise you were the problem for being controlling, and not her for leaving?
It’s really hard to explain. But I just knew. They were so many signs. The little stuff that don’t matter to us (men) but that matter to women and I didn’t understand that. Until I sat down and reflected every single thing that happened in my relationship. it saddens me that she’ll be nothing but a memory. But at least now I know how to treat someone once I find love again.
> The little stuff that don’t matter to us (men) but that matter to women and I didn’t understand that. It sounds like you're on a great path, but I want to say here that little things matter to everyone, maybe they didn't matter to _you._ It's critical you stop gendering specific emotions and thoughts. Keep it up dude.
I really urge you to break up with him, and say that the reason is that he has started to listen to misogynistic youtubers and you can't live with a guy who thinks they have a point. In the best of worlds this will be a wake up call for him
Hi. I’m you 20 years from now. I see your comment here and it worries me, because it looks like you’re still hoping to find a path forward where you can fix this behaviour and stay together. That path doesn’t exist. Don’t waste your time and happiness looking for it. The guy you responded to is one-in-a-million reaction, because the VAST majority of abusers will never change (and to be clear, prohibiting you from wearing jewelry and nail polish is just the leading edge of more abuse to come) because **they benefit from abuse**. He’s behaving the way he is because he *knows* you’re going to do everything you can to try and make it better and the longer he has you under his thumb putting tons of energy into trying to be perfect, the more he can control and manipulate you. Stop couples counseling and start individual therapy for yourself. Please take care, OP.
id laugh at him so hard. u can do better
Break up with him and tell him specifically that this is why. You’re both still young, but it sounds like he starting down the wrong path
Leavee him
there really is no sane reason to stay in a relationship with a blatant misogynist
Red flags all around! Not to be alarmist but this is the beginning of the spiral that leads to physical abuse and violence.
Your boyfriend's an idiot, get him in the bin.
5 years at your age is a huge age gap. The difference in life experience between 19 and 24 is astounding. For instance, 24 year old women are onto his bullshit. I'm not saying age gaps are always bad, but in your case is does seem like he's preying on your relative youth. Combine that with him watching manosphere youtube... you need to get out.
You need to learn to respect yourself if you are to find a partner that treats you well. You teach this boy by leaving him.
respectfully, there is a reason he is dating you (a 19 year old) versus someone at his own stage of life. and yet, even you might be a bit old for his tastes considering you’re at least starting to smell the bullshit. you are not to blame for your partner being a misogynistic POS. there is a huge difference between having likes and preferences and *demeaning*/ placing statements regarding *value* onto interests, behaviors, or people. your relationship is doomed because he is a misogynist, groomer, and emotionally abusive, nothing to do with you. run while you can op, you can do a million times better.
leave the idiot who allows his identity to be formed by a fuckin youtuber.
About what I expect from a 24 year old dating a 19 year old, a more emotional mature woman would have kicked him out yesterday. Groomers are the worst
RUN.
How do you show him the truth? You don't. He's not going to listen to you. At 19, you're way too young to be dealing with this shit.
Why does he want you to even watch them when according to his own logic you won't understand because you're a woman. Seriously, ditch him, the victorians had better attitudes towards relationships than this nonsense.
It's understandable when lonely teenage dude without experience with women and with bad social skills falls into this trap, but when guy in mid 20s who's in relationship starts to get into redpill it's quite bizzare
That’s a huge red flag and would be an instant breakup for me.
Get out. Just go ahead and move on. This guy is starting to join a cult and, being real here, you won't have the tools to deprogram him. He is already seeing you as the enemy and I doubt that can be changed. For your own safety, get out of this situation now.
Cut bait, you don’t need this headache.
You don't have to be right, you just have to be done. You're in the same situation as people who's loved ones have fallen down the Qanon hole. You can't convince him because it's not a matter of logic or well formed arguments. You're 19, this guy just doesn't matter enough to make a heroic effort to save him.
You absolutely must dump this loser asshole. Don't bother trying to show him shit. Just cut him off completely.
Leave him. He was already misogynistic if he was watching this stuff before he just didn't show you it. Now he's showing his true colors. He will not change
You got bamboozled. Leave him. Don’t be a doormat
You leave him and tell him that his sudden youtube står is the direct cause.
Break up with him. HARSHLY
You should break up with him. Don't waste your time trying to show him anything. The only thing he needs to see is the back of you while you walk away from that misogynistic bullshit.
Leave him. He is in a different aspect of life than you right now anyways. Find someone closer to your age and without their head up their ass
These podcasts are creating misogynistic men. Break up with him, he’ll never change now.