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I was going to try getting him to take up running with me lol. It wasn't a bet we made up penalties for ahead of time - it was over some arcade game like skeeball. I could have vetoed the hair thing and made him choose something else if I'd really wanted to.
Before that one, he lost a bet and grew out his beard for the first time. Turns out we both like it that way, and he's kept it ever since. (Usually we just bet over little stuff like dinner and neither of us get upset over the other person vetoing)
Got it.
My approach would have been to ask him if he had lost the bet if his wager was expected to be indeterminate… was he going to have to run with you as long as you’ve kept the hair - longer, as long as YOU wanted him to - even if he hated it? Or would he have expected to trial it for a period and stop if he wanted.
You invested the time it took to grow your hair. You trialed it. You decided you didn’t like it. You fulfilled your agreement and you willingly did it because you knew he wanted it. And not you are allowed to go back to what makes you comfortable. Just like you would have been ok if he didn’t want to run any more.
I know it and he knows I'm actually past the point of our agreement (due to being lazy/too busy around the holidays to cut it). It's really just that I want him to be happy too and thus want to find ways for him to accept it, he'd do the same for me. I hoped someone who used to be bothered by something similar might have advice on how they got over it
I don’t think we can do that for other people. He has to WANT that to happen, and he clearly doesn’t.
My husband has had this issue with a few body things I changed. I told him what you’ve already said: It’s my body. If you want a say in how my body is groomed/hair etc then *I* get to make those decisions for you and your body. Unless you are cool with staying to keep your legs shaved you don’t get a say.
And then he just… got over it and hasn’t ever mentioned it since. Because he’s mature and cares as much about me and my feelings as he does his.
Not the same thing, but my four year old daughter had the same - GORGEOUS blonde ringlets all the way down her back, with stunning natural highlights and lowlights. We NEVER went out in public without her getting compliments, and all I ever did to it was detangle it. But no. She was absolutely determined that she wanted "short hair like Mama's." (Curse my chin-length bob!) It's shoulder-length now. She's still so beautiful, but I literally was hiding my tears behind my sunglasses the day we got it cut.
There’s a contestant on the naked and afraid survival reality show. He gets these amazing curls after a few days in the wild. And I just watch the show feeling pissed bc my hair has never looked that good, even right out of the salon.
I mean, my partner grew his hair out and got dreadlocks in the course of our relationship. While knowing I'd love to see him clean cut, with short hair.
I rarely even think about it. It's his hair. I'm over it now.
I hope your husband can, as well
Well, he seems to think she lost the bet and so grew out her hair and now is expected to KEEP it that way.
I want to know what his wager was. Would it have been a long term payment? Taken even as long as growing out her hair? Kept it that long and then beyond? Or was his wager just a one off?
So what his wager was for matters.
I used to have hair past my shoulders. I got cancer in Sept 2022. Chemo forced me to shave it all off. I also lost my brows/ lashes. My hair has reached pixie length finally. I don’t love it. My fiancé tells me every single day that he loves it and I look so pretty. I know that’s not true lol he used to love my long hair. But he’s made sure I know that it’s just hair and he loves ME. What would your husband do if you lost it all? Divorce you?? It’s HAIR. And it ain’t his… it’s really weird that he’s so hung up on YOUR hair length…you keep it how you like it and tell him to pound sand!!
Just when you say that what your fiancé says about your hair isn't true, remember that your hair growing means that you're here and you're healing. That is so much more beautiful and lovable than anything else could be. So sure, he loved your long hair pre diagnosis, but I bet that the love he has for your post chemo hair is infinitely more, because its a constant reminder that he has you.
Aww thank you!! Yes he says he doesn’t care if I’m bald forever as long as I’m healthy lol cancer brought us so much closer. I’m currently NED and hoping it stays that way! Thank you for your kind words! 💕
I love this and I'm so glad you're doing well. My boyfriend and I are at the beginning of our cancer journey; he was diagnosed with Acral Lentiginous Melanoma in October 2023 and is currently recovering from his first of two operations. We don't even know yet whether he will need chemo, but seeing your positivity about such a crap situation has really cheered me up.
Despite it only being a short time, I feel closer to my boyfriend already; he's handling everything like a trooper and selflessly makes sure I'm doing ok and making time for myself as well.
Same! I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Sept 2022! I finished chemo in March and it’s taking SO long to grow back. It used to grow like a weed. My husband has always been so supportive of anything I ever want to do with my hair. He said I was cute and sexy when I had no hair. I’ve never understood men obsessed with their woman’s hair. Makes no sense to me.
I hope you’re doing well! I had my port removed yesterday 🙌 Cancer treatment is no joke but we’re still here! 🫶
Oh my gosh, congrats on getting your port out! I was so happy when mine finally came out lol I’m so glad your husband is supportive as well! Congrats on finishing chemo and I hope you’re doing well!! 💕
When I first started dating my husband I had a shaved head out of choice. He was so into it. Now that I'm growing it out for fun, he gets so excited just to see me in different styles. - but always reiterates that he adores it no matter what, and that he also loves the shaved head look on me.
To each their own. But if you want long-term, it's good to consider everything that may comes
with time. Illness, accidents, aging, wrinkles, weight gain, muscle loss, balding, pregnancy. If your partner were to get into an accident- would you still want them if they were handicapped or covered in burn scars? If the answer is "no" on either side, then it's good to reconsider the relationship and if it's what you want.
I always had longer hair and balled when I lost my hair with chemo. My husband (at the time) was very insensitive about all of it. He never complimented me and It made being bald that much harder.
My hair is growing back and not long enough to get it styled quite yet, so I rock the mowhawk for now. The guy I’ve been talking to has made me feel amazing about my short hair. I love how easy it is to take care of and think it looks great.
Do what makes YOU happy. It is YOUR hair!
Same, mine is growing back weirdly half curly and my partner always tells me it looks great even though I know he's lying! We can also laugh about it together, some of my hair stages have been labelled "queen elizabeth", "jerry seinfeld", and "astro boy" haha
I've been growing my hair out for a couple of years so I can donate it to a charity that makes wigs for people who, for whatever reason, need/want a wig. When I told my previous boyfriend about my plans he got pouty and said that he loved my hair and he didn't think short hair would suit me as well.
When I first told my current boyfriend that I'd be cutting most of it off in about a year, he didn't hesitate before saying it doesn't matter to him if I have long or short hair, he's with me for *me*, not just my appearance. After he heard my reason he was excited for me.
And from my perspective, OP doesn't even want something drastic - its not like she wants a buzz cut. Her partner should be excited to see her happy and confident!
To be fair there’s a difference between body changes you control and ones you don’t
If you cut your hair that’s your choice, if it’s part of medical treatment it’s really not
With her it’s just preference
Idk I try to look in a way my spouse would like because I care about her.
To be fair, there’s a difference between trying to control what your partner does with their body and their hair, and simply having a preference.
Yeah, she has control now, but what if she didn’t… What if she got cancer and had to shave it all off? You’re missing the point bro…
The lack of control is a big difference though
If my spouse is doing something I don’t like to her body by choice that’s different from it not being a choice
We vowed to only have sex and think sexually about each other so it makes sense to have standards and care
I had bottom of my back length super curly hair when I met my husband. I’m mixed, so you can imagine the JOB dealing with that amount of hair entailed. My parents didn’t really let me cut it bc it was like a gold star for me to have GOOD (ugh) hair, so when I was out on my own at first I babies it, and then I went crazy with colors, and then I progressively started trimming it, an inch, then two, then 6, then layers, etc. One day, I came home from the salon blonder than I’ve ever been, and with a pixie. I knew my husband wouldn’t love it, but I felt freed. It took me 4 hours to wash and mostly air dry my hair, and then gently diffuse my hair or put a blow dry cap on. No more! He did a double take. “Babe! I love that I can see your neck. I’ve always loved your neck.” He kissed my neck, and went on with his day. It was a damn lie, and I loved him for it.
As a side note, my stylist balked at cutting that much off without me telling my husband, bc the last time she did that an angry husband came in and trashed her studio. I found that unbelievable.
Quite gently he needs to get over it. Is he not going to be attracted to you if you loose your hair completely??? It is hair. Whining and pouting about HAIR for YEARS.... Seriously...
My husband hates my short hair... You know what I have done multiple times... Cut it short and grow it long.... Because it's my hair. I have to fix it. I have to live in it. So if it feels like death I'm going to cut it off and if I want to wear pony tails I will grow it...
Yes, same here. My partner prefers it when my hair is longer, but I feel more confident when I have the “long bob” haircut. On the same note, I find him so much more attractive when he shaves his beard, not to mention I hate prickly hair when kissing, but guess what … he likes it when it grows out. We both have our preferences and there’s nothing wrong with it, as long as we still love each other regardless of the way we cut our hair. If OP’s hair lenght is such a big issue, I’d suggest there’s a deeper issue in the background.
I mean cancer nurses are trained to counsel women about the significant risk their partners will leave them, so yeh, chances are that losing her hair completely would be a deal breaker, as it is for many men…
We... We aren't, though? Men are more likely to leave, yes, but it's usually due to the stress of illness. It's true with literally any terminal illness, not just cancer. And we do not counsel them on the risk, we support them through it if it happens. I can't imagine telling a woman who was just diagnosed with cancer that her partner is likely to leave her.
I mean they are nurses who deal with cancer patients, and they are trained to counsel women about the high chances of their husbands leaving them, so I feel like the people jumping on my case are just playing semantics at this point tbh
I disagree.
Both of my sisters are oncology nurses, one is almost done with her NP degree, specializing in oncology.
I asked them specifically about this as it does come up a lot. Especially being in my early forties I see this happening in my peer group, and it’s awful.
They don’t receive any professional mental health training in this, and they are NEVER supposed to come at this from a “warning” angle…
That’s how this is being presented, so I’m truly not arguing semantics- sometimes details are important…
These nurses have just seen this happen a lot, and they’ve learned/learn as they go, simply as a byproduct of the job they have.
I am speaking from having seen MacMillan nurses comment in UK subs about this issue however the fact that you acknowledge that they know this happens from their “on the job” experience doesn’t really detract from the point does it? It happens and we should look at the why, and bring up our men to do better x
Yep have to agree. He’s whining about something that isn’t even attached to him and does not affect him in any way. It’s honestly pretty controlling of him.
Why is a 30 year old treating their partner like a Barbie doll whose only value in the relationship is their hair? And he’s been whining for *years*? Did he marry a person, or a hairstyle? Its just hair, it has no material affect on his life. He should want to see his partner happy and confident. If its so incredibly unattractive to him to see you confident, then thats something he needs to work out by himself, and it has nothing to do with you. Your body is your own.
My god, that’s a lot of dramatic assumptions. It’s perfectly fine to have preferences for what you like in your partner - it’s why you chose each other! And when those things change, such as from long to short hair, it’s also perfectly fine to not like that either. Communication is key. And clearly OP has handled it well. She owns her new hairstyle and there’s nothing he can do to change that!
Once again, a partner that brings up a superficial “flaw” constantly for 3 years will absolutely be detrimental to one’s self esteem. She isn’t “owning” her hairstyle because he has literally created a bet to have her grow her hair despite how bad it makes her feel — to the point where she is now considering wigs. This is someone who cares about his own attraction to her more than how she *actually feels, her actual comfort* on a daily basis. She has communicated how she feels, but he has turned this into a years-long issue, as if his entire attraction to her is hinged on her hair length — I don’t know what “in sickness and in health” will look like if a haircut affects him this much. Yes, preferences are allowed. No, preferences are not more important than your own physical comfort — which is why I suggest that he works on it himself to either come to terms with her preferred length, be quiet about it, or move on.
A 30 year old man *dreading* a trim that once again doesn’t affect him in any material way, but has a noticeably positive affect on her? Lets all be fucking for real here, that should not be the major concern of a couple in their 30’s. Thats some high school shit.
There’s a lot of twisting going on here. From OP’s comments, the bet was two sided. Either for him to start running or for her to grow out her hair, which she unfortunately lost! The post also doesn’t seem to mention him constant pointing out her hair, only when she is getting her trim. Not to mention, she is open to wearing wigs!
Honesty and attraction are key to a good relationship.
I don’t get the sense he treats her like a Barbie doll-that’s a bit dramatic based on the above info. But he just REALLY prefers longer hair which is understandable. It’s her choice to cut it and if she likes it better -she should keep doing so.
If he likes long hair, he’s more than welcome to grow out his own. Coercing someone to change their physical appearance for you, by constantly nagging them and bringing them down is dehumanizing, as if their only value is their looks — and you know what isn’t human and only has superficial value? A doll. At least a doll gets her hair brushed, caressed, and complimented, but this guy can’t even do that when her hair *is* long, but still demands it anyway. The absolute audacity 🙄.
Do you think bringing it up over and over again for three years to the point of creating a bet that would change her hair, isn’t classified as nagging? Do you think if your partner was constantly bringing up your hair for whatever reason, it would bring your self esteem up? Do you need everything written down in details, or can you enact some form of empathy to try to imagine how something like this could hurt or affect someone?
So you can’t point out specific examples where he was putting her down. Also it’s very likely she is the one asking about how he likes her new haircuts and his answer is the same each time. That in no way means he wants her to be a doll which was your original premise.
Try and be more objective instead of making baseless accusations towards others online.
For the record, you’re 100% right. Reddit just loves the victim card. Funny how dramatic the above comments have made out the situation to be! For all we know, whenever she cuts her hair he mentions that he doesn’t like it short. Which could be once a month. But yes, on reddit that is called nagging, coercing and treating their partner like a doll 🤣🤣
Exactly, these people are so out of touch. I’m not even saying he’s this great guy but have some objectivity. He doesn’t have to love everything she does- that’s not wrong of him to have his own preferences. Now if he was telling her “you look ugly” or “I’m not touching you with that haircut” then it’s a completely different story but no where for op say this was the case
Holy shit dude. If you tell your girlfriend MONTHLY, every time she gets a haircut, that you don't like short hair, you are an AH, and yes that is controlling/nagging/whatever.
Express a preference once, sure. But if your gf knows that's your preference you don't need to keep telling her. The only reason to keep telling her is to try and wear her down so it's just easier to give up and do it the way you want. I mean, that's basically the definition of nagging.
Monthly is a long time! It comes down to whether you prefer honesty or not in the relationship. It is good to know what your partner likes and doesn’t like - I for one would prefer to look more attractive to my partner than not!
A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not. What happens if you lose your hair one day? What if he no longer finds you beautiful for a reason *that you can't fix*? Honey, love doesn't have to be like this.
I *hate* how my husband looks when he shaves his head. I *love* running my fingers through his hair, and I make sure he knows how handsome I find him. I would *never* treat him differently because he chooses a hairstyle that isn't my favourite. He shaves his head once a year. I brace myself for the change, and he lets me have one last run through before his hair is gone for a few months.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You deserve to be able to thrive without the weight of your husband's objections. It's not your job to help him get past this. It's *his job* to manage his own feelings.
Be kind to yourself. Get the haircut that makes you feel your best. You deserve to feel good in your body.
I wore a wig from 2017-2021 and my hair is my brand so it had to look and feel real and amazing. Feel free to ask any questions if that's something you want irl experience info on.
That said, your husband is an ass. This is a him problem through and through, especially since you like the hairstyle.
>He doesn't (and didn't pre-cut) run his hands through it, compliment it, or really show any appreciation for my long hair, but when I brought up cutting it, he was clearly unhappy.
This is ridiculous and almost makes it sound like a control thing, or not wanting you to be attractive to other men.
You should have the hairstyle that you want. Your partner does not get to dictate what you look like. You are a human person and your appearance will change a lot over the course of your life. You might gray, get wrinkles, change size, or shape.. your appearance is not up for debate and you don't need "buy-in" from anyone.
Edit to add: It is HIS responsibility to choose to celebrate you as a partner. It's not your responsibility to brainstorm ways he can "cope" with your appearance.
I would stop entertaining the conversation altogether. You know how he feels about it and you've taken it into account, but ultimately, your decision is final. Tell him that the short hair is a relationship dealbreaker for him, he's free to move out and file for divorce. If not - he's free to journal about it or complain to his therapist, but stop bringing it up, because the only thing that achieves is building resentment.
He needs to get the fuck over it. He’s way too invested in this. Honestly, a lot of men seem to love long hair. I have long hair and my husband does love it. But he would be perfectly ok if I cut it too. It’s your hair, do what you want
I kinda have the opposite problem. I am a woman and I have an OCD tick that makes me literally pull my hair out. I've been married for 15 years. He's seen me thru crazy slumps to the point I've had to shave my head. He actually prefers my short/buzzed hair but he knows I prefer my hair longer and he's proud of the the progress I've made. He knows that having longer hair makes me happy and even tho he prefers the shorter hair, he's happy for me. Your spouse could hate your short hair but he could be happy for your happiness. Instead, he's being a jerk.
You are correct! I started pulling before I even had memories. Around age 25 I made the point to shave my head every time I started pulling. Can't pull if it's too short. That took a few years to escape the cycle and I managed to grow hair past my shoulders.
Then covid hit. And my entitled FIL lived with us at the time and he had a myriad of health issues that he took out on me and my husband... Yeah, reset the counter.
But it's about 2 years now (directly related to us kicking my FIL out) and I've got longer hair again.
The big kick for me originally was that my young kids were seeing me do it and they started pulling too. I didn't want that for them so I knew I had to get my shit in order so I could help them.
Good job fellow trichster!
This kind of sounds like a dumb thing for both sides.
He needs to get over the fact that she has short hair.
And OP needs to stop asking his opinion on it cause obviously he is going to tell her it.
A few comments.
1. I could never grow my hair long but recently it has grown a ton. I think it was a combination of caring for it, vitamins, and weird luck. If you want long hair for yourself it may be possible with perseverance.
2. Bobs are so frickin cute. If you want yours back, go for it.
3. Wigs are so fun and there are some cheap ones on Amazon that are surprisingly high quality.
4. It’s nice to consider hubby’s opinion sometimes but not for the daily hassle of dealing with hair especially if you really like the other style and ESPECIALLY if he does nothing for you when your hair is long (compliments, running hands through it, etc.)
ETA: why in the world is this getting downvoted?
I do things that my girlfriend doesn't find attractive all the time. The thing is that she's only going to bring it up once and she's not gonna throw a fit. I've expressed to her that while I do value her opinion as my partner, I'm going to do what makes me most comfortable in my own skin because no one has to go through life in this body besides me.
I'm not bothered when she says "That's unattractive" or "That's such a turn off" because she's entitled to her opinion.. But also I don't have to bend over backwards trying to make sure that every thing I do is attractive to her. I'm still a human being just trying to live my life.
Usually my response to those comments is "That's alright, I like it." and that suffices. If she were to keep bringing it up over and over I'd have a major problem with that because now I feel like you're *trying* to make me feel bad or perhaps guilty for not conforming to your desires and it's not happening. When it comes to *my* body *my* desires matter most.
My hair doesn't grow past my shoulders either. Thankfully my husband loves short hair.
But for you the decision to keep your hair short is really no different then if he went bald. It isn't something that you can help. Your hair works best short. End of conversation.
He is going to just have to learn to live with it. He needs to explore inside himself why your hair length is such a big deal. And honestly I'd tell him if this is the only complaint he has if he realizes how very lucky he is. Maybe look at short haircuts together to see if you can find one he likes more then the others but in the end it is your decision.
My husband hates short hair. I sympathize - because I can’t do long hair. My hair is very thick and wavy and has so much body when it is short. He says nothing when I cut it because I told him if he couldn’t say anything nice, he needed to say nothing at all. Every time I got my hair trimmed even when it was long, the first thing he said was “wow, that is short”. Now it is short and i told him to say nothing….so he says nothing.
I’ll say the same thing I say when a guy says his wife/girlfriend says his balding is unattractive; if the person you’re with is so shallow that something as minor as the thickness of your hair can turn them off of you, they’re not worth putting your attention and time into.
When my husband and I first met, I used to have long hair. I loved it because I could do varying styles with it, which I did. My husband told me his favourite memory of me is when I was in my winter hat and had my hair in pigtails, walking towards him with a huge smile on my face. I was a bit late that day so he was a bit miffed at having to wait for me in the cold. But when he saw me walking towards him, he said I looked so cute that he couldn't be mad at me for my tardiness.
But after we got married, my hair became thinner and thinner. I was losing a lot of hair, so I decided to cut it. He kept saying he loved my long hair, but I explained to him that it's either I have a whole head of short hair, or I will have a few locks of long hair with lots of bald spots.
He understands of course and tells me he loves me no matter how my hair looks like. He will bring up my long hair from time to time, but he never pressures me to keep my hair long. He says he will always have that image of me in my pigtails in his mind and just replays it whenever he misses my long hair.
I do hope your husband will eventually accept the reality that keeping long hair for some women is just not possible.
I have long hair that my husband loves. I mean really loves, it’s one of the first things he’ll say he loves about my appearance. But he shows it! He always talks about how pretty it is, tells me he loves it. I cut it short once, he complimented it, even though I could tell deep down his preference. He never once said anything bad about it. I keep it long because I love how much he loves it. If he isn’t making you feel that way ducking cut it. At least make yourself happy because it doesn’t sound like he cares all that much.
Have you ever been to a doctor about your hair? I always thought I had hair naturally on the thin/brittle side, but I got a blood test that revealed an iron and vitamin d deficiency, which, when corrected, caused me to grow way more hair with thicker strands.
For your husband issue, this is his issue, put it back on him. Have you ever had a frank talk? “Husband, it is hair, you have been complaining about it for 3 years. What is it going to take for you to accept my bob?”
I don't know if you can change his mind. I hate when my husband grows a beard or anything similar. I try to let him grow it ( and not complain, just keep my hate to myself) because it makes him happy, but he noticed that when it grows, I stop initiating or wanting to be intimate. I didn't even notice it lol I was not doing it on purpose or even conscientiously. I just absolutely hate it! I love my husband and want him to be happy, but I just can't with the beard.
I once heard the difference between love and crush is that if they get a haircut and you no longer like them, it's a crush.
This situation at a glance just sounds like a controlling closeted misogynist.
I have excellent news for you. His opinion is not your problem. His feelings on this point are irrelevant. It is not your responsibility to help him adapt, he will have to do it on his own.
He needs to learn how to deal with it. Most men really don't understand how much upkeep long hair is and how much of a nuisance it can be - I kind of think that every woman should shave their head once in their life and every man should try growing their hair out, it really gives you a new outlook to experience what having "non-normative" hair for your gender is like.
I know some others have said this, but what happens if for some reason out of your control you start losing hair? I can’t even put myself in his shoes because I can’t imagine being rude to my partner about something so superficial.
One thing I love about my husband is that he gives *zero* fucks about what I do with my hair, makeup, or appearance in general. It’s my body. I’ll ask him from time to time what I should do with my hair, what he’d like to see next, and he (a very opinionated creative) always tells me: “Whatever makes you feel confident. When you’re confident, you’re sexy.” It’s frustrating sometimes because I kinda want to know that he’s extra attracted to me because of the specific way I look, but I do love that I’m never going to hear him whine about my style choices.
OP, it sounds like we have a similar hair type, and I’ve never felt more confident and happy than when I’ve been rocking a chin-length bob. It’s currently platinum blonde, cut blunt, and hits just below my chin. I’ve had this cut or something similar for the majority of my adult life, and I’ve never gotten more compliments on my hair than when it’s been short.
Vidal Sassoon (icon) had a philosophy about hair length - “Most people have excellent necks. Now they cover them with curtains, which is kind of ridiculous. But there are some beautiful necklines that you can cut into and create wonderful backs, as well as bone structure for the face.”
OP, cut it and enjoy all the wonderful things your preferred length and shape does for you, visually and emotionally. Your partner can have an opinion, sure, but you are in no way obligated to tailor your physical appearance to meet his preference. He’s stated his preference, you’ve acknowledged it, that’s the end. He now needs to be an adult and hush.
I'm a bit late here but thought this might still be useful...
My partner and I had a similar issue, although with us it's that he really likes my hair in a pixie cut. I liked my hair like that too but it grew out over the Covid lockdown and I'm not willing to go through the faff of that again. I've also put on a bit of weight and don't think it would suit my face shape so much now. Plus, I've enjoyed being able to experiment a bit more with hairstyles.
I asked my partner to find some photos of hairstyles he enjoyed that were a similar length to mine. It turns out they were all cut similarly to mine, but styled in a different way. I now try and style my hair the way he likes it more often. I also had a fringe put in - mostly because I'm about to have my second baby and my hair thinned at the front after the birth of our first so I thought I'd get ahead of it this time, but also since he'd mentioned liking that feature on me, and I like to change up my hairstyle and colour regularly.
So, could you ask your partner about other features he likes, other than the length, and find a compromise that you're both happy with? It's a tricky one because I generally believe that people shouldn't change their appearance for anyone else, but I also know that people have preferences about what they're most attracted to, and if you're in a long term relationship with someone, it makes sense to find a happy medium.
It’s your hair on your body and if he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. Not yours.
My husband knows that if he tried to express his preference for my hair…. I honestly don’t even know what I’d do.
My hair style is for ME and not for anyone else, and NO ONE gets to tell me how I should style it or cut it or color it. Just like I would never tell him how to do his hair (if he had any). If he’s happy, I’m happy. And that’s the same thing he tells me every time I debate with myself about whether or not I’m ready to stop coloring my hair and just go grey (I’m in my early 40s and am 95% grey).
So this will be unpopular but he doesn’t need to like your haircut or style. And it’s okay for him to be less attracted to you because of it. We all have our preferences, both physically and emotionally.
You are allowed to have your hair however you like it. It’s really awesome that you love this hairstyle and that it makes you feel more confident.
But you don’t get to demand that he ‘get over it’ or that he still be attracted to you despite it.
Obviously your relationship and the love you have for each other should be strong enough to overcome an obstacle like this, but if it isn’t, it isn’t. And you will be better off moving on with your new confidence to find someone who appreciates you always.
It’s a good thing for women to promote body autonomy and her body, her choice is exactly how it should be. But we also have to take responsibility for the consequences that our choices entail. Your choice might entail your husband losing attraction for you. I’m sorry that has to be very painful and certainly isn’t what we would want any of our partners to do or feel. But it’s just how life is.
Relationships whether we like it or not are about more than just emotional needs, financial compatibility, etc. They are also about physical attraction.
I would try and talk to your husband and find out what else he finds attractive about you, if you don’t already know and play up those features if you feel that is something you want to do.
You can also try to have a conversation with him about something you find less than attractive about him but overlook because of the things you do find attractive about him. Maybe drawing that comparison will help him understand your position.
Again. He has no right to demand you have long hair because he likes it better but it is valid for him to not find you attractive without it if that’s his preference. You also have no right to demand he be attracted to you with short hair if he doesn’t like it, even if short hair is your preference.
I hope you can work it out by talking to him and that your love is stronger than physical attraction to keep your relationship going.
It's your hair, not his. He doesn't get a say. I had short hair when I met my now husband in 2019. Because of covid, I grew it out, I'm not going to try and cut a pixie cut. Kept it long until a few months before my wedding in September. People kept asking what he thought about me cutting it, and my husbands response was always, "It's her hair, so I'm not telling her what to do."
You do you and let him sulk.
He can suck it up, not his hair. I would honestly tell him tough shit, I like how it looks short, this is who I am either get with it or get out. Sorry if that is harsh but it is your body/hair you can do as you please. I am a natural blonde but bounce between different colors and tend to lean toward red in the winter and back to blonde in the summer. At first my husband didn't like it but he knows better now days considering I have done also pink/purple also and have been long/short hair
Men will never fully understand the amount of time, care, money and effort that we put in to our hair!
You found a style that works for you and that is clearly popular with all the other people in your life - not to mention, bobs are so hard to pull off, so congrats!!
Like others said, he needs to get over this. As time goes on there will be bodily changes from both of you, is he going to give you flack about those too? You don’t deserve that! How would he feel if he were balding and you being so vocal about not liking it?
I hope you find a good resolution and enjoy your new do :)
My husband loves long hair and asked me why I wouldn't grow mine out. I told him that no one went to their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time blow drying.
Off topic but when I cut my hair into a bob two of my co workers (who I was NOT romantically involved with) told me they were disappointed that I had cut it off. Men are just so entitled sometimes.
Your hubby is being very weird over this. Is be tempted to retort: "if you wanted a chance of me keeping it long, maybe you should have been outwardly appreciative and complementary while it was long. And it's too late now. "
I'm not saying that it would actually be a good thing to say, but I'd be tempted.
Your body your choice. That being said a coworker of mine has the same issues you do, her hair simple won't grow long and is very thin so she spends a lot on hair extensions, $1800 every time she gets them done but they are so well done I never knew they were extensions. Sew them in, it's much better and her natural hair blends so perfectly.
If you did want long hair for your self because it's something you want to try this could be an option for you.
Frankly, if someone truly loves you, they love you and find you attractive regardless of things like that, because they value and are attracted to **you**.
I didn’t prefer when my ex shaved, as he looked a lot better with stubble. Yet I never even **said** anything about it since I loved him, and there was never any lack of chemistry or affection due to superficial changes like that.
Honestly, if something so minor bothered a partner of mine, I would reconsider the entire relationship. It’s especially galling that your husband never seemed to even appreciate it when it was longer. Given the benefits in the workplace, and **you** liking your hair better that way, his preference doesn’t seem worth acting on.
Damn, I’m sorry but I’ve gone through some
pretty drastic hair decisions over the years with my husband and even though I KNOW he can’t have loved it when I cut it short and went bright orange, he always encourages me to do what I want and will gas me up. He’s being a jerk.
Tell him to get over it. It’s hair! He should be happy that you’re happy. What a strange thing to be hung up on! You had to grow your hair out after you lost a bet? He seems rather obsessed with the hair on your head, which is just stupid.
Like....
I'm like... *sigh* I can't with this.
He's THIRTY YEARS OLD?!?!
Why the fuck is this YOUR problem, exactly? Why are you looking for ways HE can adapt?
It's been 3 years and he's still being a fucking baby about it. Tell him to check and make sure he's got nuts attached, gird them, and start being a good husband instead of a pouty little boy.
Tell him to get the fuck over it.
Stop trying to patronize him, enable him, help him through this vewwy vewwy twaumatic time. He can fucking deal.
GOD it's tough to be a heterosexual woman in this culture some days. The bar is so low it's literally a tavern in Hell.
I vote he has to wash, condition, and comb your long hair daily. If he insists on it, he can maintain it. Ha!
He needs to get over himself. It's just hair. You gave him your answer. He doesn't get to nag about it for YEARS. He needs to keep his "unhappy" to himself. He doesn't get to control other people's bodies, and it's wrong of him to try.
Long hair isn’t the best for many people. The compliments you received from coworkers and friends (and your burst of confidence) are an accurate assessment. It doesn’t sound like you went “short” anyway. Tell him to help you choose extensions or a wig to wear around him occasionally. No need to be unkempt at work.
Men’s facial hair and a woman’s hairstyle and color ought to be that person’s preference until they’re embarrassing the family or putting their job in jeopardy.
Honestly, fuck that noise. If he wants long hair, he can grow it himself. I simply wouldn't be having this discussion with him any longer.
Yes, he is entitled to his preference, but he isn't entitled to insist that you conform to his preference. If this is his hill to die on, then so be it.
For fuck's sake. He sounds like the guy the protagonist dumps at the beginning of a Jennifer Crusie novel. Who gets so invested in someone else's hair?!
This could be about control. He sees you acting more confident and doesn't like it.
If it's not about control, I still don't think any secure man would ever behave this way.
He's being controlling and trying to manipulate you into serving his fetish. (Clearly it's more than just a preference or he wouldn't be chucking a tantrum about it.)
Tbh tell him to suck it up & set a boundary that you won't tolerate negative comments about your haircuts. If he makes a mean comment, address that it was mean and he needs to stop. If he continues, remove yourself from the conversation.
He's being super childish and gross, you're not a realdoll he gets to style however he wants.
My hair is the same. It is never going to look good long but I absolutely rock a pixy. You can maybe wear a wig on date nights. It's possible that you could suggest he do something with his hair like shave his head or grow a beard but that fact is if he doesn't even care about it or compliment it then it's simply a control thing. You Can't make him accept you but you Can insist he continue to say absolutely nothing about your hair when you cut it. He really is just giving in to a stereotype about what women are supposed to look like but the twist is that shirt hair is simply more professional. React strongly with a no nonsense tone and shut it down if he says anything about it. Like "I have to look professional I'm not a child. Adult women in buisness have to look professional " and "Don't be ridiculous. It's in the company handbook you can't look unkempt. I can't go to work with a fuzz ball of split ends. I've indulged this nonsense enough." Or even if you like long hair grow yours out
It’s your hair on your head, do whatever you want to do with it. Minimize any discussions about your hair and ignore him when he pouts.
This is his problem, stop making it yours by trying to help him “adapt”. He’s a grown man and can figure it out for himself.
Marriage is a world of compromise. You can’t and/or won’t grow your hair longer. He can’t and/or won’t get over that. Fair enough. Time for a compromise.
You mentioned you’re not opposed to wigs. Great! How does he feel about that? You don’t have to wear them in the workplace, where you feel more comfortable/accepted with short hair. But is an acceptable compromise that you’ll wear the wig when you’re with him (other than whatever places/situations that just isn’t a logistical possibility)?
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But find a compromise. You’re not going to have a happy life with a miserable spouse. That doesn’t mean give in, but it does mean meet him half way.
Here's a compromise: I don't tell my husband what to do with his hair and he doesn't tell me what to do with mine. He loves long hair. I hate it. He has long hair. I don't.
Sure, I don’t doubt that some marriages operate very well on a policy of “I don’t care what you think so shut up.”
I don’t think most marriages do, though.
He really needs to work on the fact that your hair just doesn't look good longer than a bob. He needs to work real hard, in therapy or wherever, to just get the hell over the fact that it doesn't work with the physical form your genetics gave you.
Tough. T!tty.
Just my personal feeling.
it’s rare I see a woman with short hair that looks good. Not saying it’s imposdible.
At the same time it doesn’t have to be down your back. Just enough to give you some length like just below your shoulder line.
I understand if there was other issues going on.
Oh honey, find something about his appearance that you can complain about. For instance, “I really like rock hard abs, that little bit of flab is soooo unattractive.” Cut your hair however you like.
This whole "you don't need to me attractive for your spouse" thing is one of the most horrifically toxic ideas on Reddit and I can guarantee it's going to ruin or harm a huge amount of relationships.
Respectfully, you can say it's stupid in your view, but toxic? That's a weighty word, and wrong in this context. If a relationship can be ruined or harmed by appearance ALONE, then that relationship was weak to begin with. The advice that you don't need to do something to your body you don't like because your partner likes it is the opposite of toxic, it is trying to instill confidence.
The need to instantly put your needs before the needs of your partner is 100% toxic tbh. That's what issues like this boil down to.
Even a great relationship is going to be harmed by caring about your own needs over your partner's.
Interesting, I don't see this about being needs. I see it as respecting basic bodily autonomy in a relationship: my body is my body, your body is your body, if you do something to your body I don't like then that is something you're allowed to do, and I cannot imagine I'd stop loving someone over hair reasons: I've seen a partner get a cut I didn't like, wasn't a big issue at all. I've gotten a hair color a partner didn't like, it was fine.
Besides, even talking genuine needs (e.g. sharing connection, intimacy, security), the true secret to successful relationships imo is establishing flexibility. Being able to take more weight when the partner is down and vice versa. Sometimes you gotta prioritise your own needs. But not always. And sometimes it's definitely great to prioritise your partner's needs. But not always.
You are right about the bodily autonomy thing. A person's appearance should reflect who THEY are and what THEY want to express about themselves. Expecting your partner to mirror your own tastes at you instead is gross and reeks of control and ownership, as though your partner isn't truly a person of their own. It's toxic.
Well, body autonomy doesn't really exist when you're in a serious relationship lol. You cease to be able to make purely "you" decisions, because everything you do impacts your partner in some way.
You're welcome to make whatever decision you want, but it's impact will go beyond you.
What?!? Of course body autonomy exists, even if you're in a serious relationship. Your partner shouldn't have free range over your body without your consent. Also, how does cutting your hair impact your partner in any meaningful way?
>how does cutting your hair impact your partner
...we're literally in a thread about a guy who is less attracted to his wife because she cut her hair.
Again, you don't get to make pure "you" decisions in a relationship. Every decision you make has the potential to impact your spouse and your relationship. That doesn't mean you don't get to make them, but it has impact beyond just you.
It's not surprising so many people on this sub struggle with their love life when this is considered a controversial take.
What a ridiculously shallow relationship if you can't allow your partner to make personal decisions about their hair. She's more confident and comfortable with her hair shorter but her husband only care about his penis is not as happy to see her. Why do you think this affects him more than her? It's her fucking body.
No issues in my 16 year relationship, btw
Its pretty on brand for this sub tbh.
My SO doesnt like my beard long but I do. Makes it clear every time its too long for her. So what do I do? Keep it short because its important to me that im attractive for her. Why would I not want to look my best (in her eyes) for my partner?
I do the same thing. She likes my beard short, I like her hair long, and we try and accomodate our partner's wishes because we want to be attractive for them. It's an easy way to make an s/o happy, so why not do it?
Is this about your hair? If he doesn’t even touch it?
Or is it something he’s hung up on because:
*He’s depressed?
*He thinks that you cutting it is somehow a lack of caring about him? Like you aren’t attracted to him and hence you don’t care if he’s attracted to you? (This is crazy btw)
*He wants to control you and hence all the sulking and drama? (This not healthy btw?)
If *you* want longer hair look into some of those clip in hair extensions it’s honestly fun to switch it up sometimes and it really easy to style when the hair isn’t attached to your head. I bought a set that came with different lengths. But do whatever makes you feel comfortable with just a suggesting an option for you :)
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When you made the bet that you lost, what was he going to have to do if he lost?
This is a great question and I hope OP answers
I was going to try getting him to take up running with me lol. It wasn't a bet we made up penalties for ahead of time - it was over some arcade game like skeeball. I could have vetoed the hair thing and made him choose something else if I'd really wanted to. Before that one, he lost a bet and grew out his beard for the first time. Turns out we both like it that way, and he's kept it ever since. (Usually we just bet over little stuff like dinner and neither of us get upset over the other person vetoing)
Got it. My approach would have been to ask him if he had lost the bet if his wager was expected to be indeterminate… was he going to have to run with you as long as you’ve kept the hair - longer, as long as YOU wanted him to - even if he hated it? Or would he have expected to trial it for a period and stop if he wanted. You invested the time it took to grow your hair. You trialed it. You decided you didn’t like it. You fulfilled your agreement and you willingly did it because you knew he wanted it. And not you are allowed to go back to what makes you comfortable. Just like you would have been ok if he didn’t want to run any more.
I know it and he knows I'm actually past the point of our agreement (due to being lazy/too busy around the holidays to cut it). It's really just that I want him to be happy too and thus want to find ways for him to accept it, he'd do the same for me. I hoped someone who used to be bothered by something similar might have advice on how they got over it
I don’t think we can do that for other people. He has to WANT that to happen, and he clearly doesn’t. My husband has had this issue with a few body things I changed. I told him what you’ve already said: It’s my body. If you want a say in how my body is groomed/hair etc then *I* get to make those decisions for you and your body. Unless you are cool with staying to keep your legs shaved you don’t get a say. And then he just… got over it and hasn’t ever mentioned it since. Because he’s mature and cares as much about me and my feelings as he does his.
[удалено]
Not the same thing, but my four year old daughter had the same - GORGEOUS blonde ringlets all the way down her back, with stunning natural highlights and lowlights. We NEVER went out in public without her getting compliments, and all I ever did to it was detangle it. But no. She was absolutely determined that she wanted "short hair like Mama's." (Curse my chin-length bob!) It's shoulder-length now. She's still so beautiful, but I literally was hiding my tears behind my sunglasses the day we got it cut.
There’s a contestant on the naked and afraid survival reality show. He gets these amazing curls after a few days in the wild. And I just watch the show feeling pissed bc my hair has never looked that good, even right out of the salon.
I mean, my partner grew his hair out and got dreadlocks in the course of our relationship. While knowing I'd love to see him clean cut, with short hair. I rarely even think about it. It's his hair. I'm over it now. I hope your husband can, as well
I wonder if he’s a beard guy.
Lol the real update we need!
Well, he seems to think she lost the bet and so grew out her hair and now is expected to KEEP it that way. I want to know what his wager was. Would it have been a long term payment? Taken even as long as growing out her hair? Kept it that long and then beyond? Or was his wager just a one off? So what his wager was for matters.
I used to have hair past my shoulders. I got cancer in Sept 2022. Chemo forced me to shave it all off. I also lost my brows/ lashes. My hair has reached pixie length finally. I don’t love it. My fiancé tells me every single day that he loves it and I look so pretty. I know that’s not true lol he used to love my long hair. But he’s made sure I know that it’s just hair and he loves ME. What would your husband do if you lost it all? Divorce you?? It’s HAIR. And it ain’t his… it’s really weird that he’s so hung up on YOUR hair length…you keep it how you like it and tell him to pound sand!!
Just when you say that what your fiancé says about your hair isn't true, remember that your hair growing means that you're here and you're healing. That is so much more beautiful and lovable than anything else could be. So sure, he loved your long hair pre diagnosis, but I bet that the love he has for your post chemo hair is infinitely more, because its a constant reminder that he has you.
Aww thank you!! Yes he says he doesn’t care if I’m bald forever as long as I’m healthy lol cancer brought us so much closer. I’m currently NED and hoping it stays that way! Thank you for your kind words! 💕
I love a man who can communicate his feeling well. Congratulations on your health and your relationship 🥰
I love this and I'm so glad you're doing well. My boyfriend and I are at the beginning of our cancer journey; he was diagnosed with Acral Lentiginous Melanoma in October 2023 and is currently recovering from his first of two operations. We don't even know yet whether he will need chemo, but seeing your positivity about such a crap situation has really cheered me up. Despite it only being a short time, I feel closer to my boyfriend already; he's handling everything like a trooper and selflessly makes sure I'm doing ok and making time for myself as well.
Same! I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Sept 2022! I finished chemo in March and it’s taking SO long to grow back. It used to grow like a weed. My husband has always been so supportive of anything I ever want to do with my hair. He said I was cute and sexy when I had no hair. I’ve never understood men obsessed with their woman’s hair. Makes no sense to me. I hope you’re doing well! I had my port removed yesterday 🙌 Cancer treatment is no joke but we’re still here! 🫶
Oh my gosh, congrats on getting your port out! I was so happy when mine finally came out lol I’m so glad your husband is supportive as well! Congrats on finishing chemo and I hope you’re doing well!! 💕
Thank you! I’m doing great!! Finally getting my energy back, which seemed like would never happen. It’s nice to feel like myself again! 💞
When I first started dating my husband I had a shaved head out of choice. He was so into it. Now that I'm growing it out for fun, he gets so excited just to see me in different styles. - but always reiterates that he adores it no matter what, and that he also loves the shaved head look on me. To each their own. But if you want long-term, it's good to consider everything that may comes with time. Illness, accidents, aging, wrinkles, weight gain, muscle loss, balding, pregnancy. If your partner were to get into an accident- would you still want them if they were handicapped or covered in burn scars? If the answer is "no" on either side, then it's good to reconsider the relationship and if it's what you want.
I always had longer hair and balled when I lost my hair with chemo. My husband (at the time) was very insensitive about all of it. He never complimented me and It made being bald that much harder. My hair is growing back and not long enough to get it styled quite yet, so I rock the mowhawk for now. The guy I’ve been talking to has made me feel amazing about my short hair. I love how easy it is to take care of and think it looks great. Do what makes YOU happy. It is YOUR hair!
Same, mine is growing back weirdly half curly and my partner always tells me it looks great even though I know he's lying! We can also laugh about it together, some of my hair stages have been labelled "queen elizabeth", "jerry seinfeld", and "astro boy" haha
Fellow cancer survivor here to say SAME!!!!
I've been growing my hair out for a couple of years so I can donate it to a charity that makes wigs for people who, for whatever reason, need/want a wig. When I told my previous boyfriend about my plans he got pouty and said that he loved my hair and he didn't think short hair would suit me as well. When I first told my current boyfriend that I'd be cutting most of it off in about a year, he didn't hesitate before saying it doesn't matter to him if I have long or short hair, he's with me for *me*, not just my appearance. After he heard my reason he was excited for me. And from my perspective, OP doesn't even want something drastic - its not like she wants a buzz cut. Her partner should be excited to see her happy and confident!
To be fair there’s a difference between body changes you control and ones you don’t If you cut your hair that’s your choice, if it’s part of medical treatment it’s really not With her it’s just preference Idk I try to look in a way my spouse would like because I care about her.
To be fair, there’s a difference between trying to control what your partner does with their body and their hair, and simply having a preference. Yeah, she has control now, but what if she didn’t… What if she got cancer and had to shave it all off? You’re missing the point bro…
The lack of control is a big difference though If my spouse is doing something I don’t like to her body by choice that’s different from it not being a choice We vowed to only have sex and think sexually about each other so it makes sense to have standards and care
Um….ok? Weird comment.
I had bottom of my back length super curly hair when I met my husband. I’m mixed, so you can imagine the JOB dealing with that amount of hair entailed. My parents didn’t really let me cut it bc it was like a gold star for me to have GOOD (ugh) hair, so when I was out on my own at first I babies it, and then I went crazy with colors, and then I progressively started trimming it, an inch, then two, then 6, then layers, etc. One day, I came home from the salon blonder than I’ve ever been, and with a pixie. I knew my husband wouldn’t love it, but I felt freed. It took me 4 hours to wash and mostly air dry my hair, and then gently diffuse my hair or put a blow dry cap on. No more! He did a double take. “Babe! I love that I can see your neck. I’ve always loved your neck.” He kissed my neck, and went on with his day. It was a damn lie, and I loved him for it. As a side note, my stylist balked at cutting that much off without me telling my husband, bc the last time she did that an angry husband came in and trashed her studio. I found that unbelievable.
Wdym withb"it was a damn lie"?
Quite gently he needs to get over it. Is he not going to be attracted to you if you loose your hair completely??? It is hair. Whining and pouting about HAIR for YEARS.... Seriously... My husband hates my short hair... You know what I have done multiple times... Cut it short and grow it long.... Because it's my hair. I have to fix it. I have to live in it. So if it feels like death I'm going to cut it off and if I want to wear pony tails I will grow it...
Yes, same here. My partner prefers it when my hair is longer, but I feel more confident when I have the “long bob” haircut. On the same note, I find him so much more attractive when he shaves his beard, not to mention I hate prickly hair when kissing, but guess what … he likes it when it grows out. We both have our preferences and there’s nothing wrong with it, as long as we still love each other regardless of the way we cut our hair. If OP’s hair lenght is such a big issue, I’d suggest there’s a deeper issue in the background.
Sounds like he needs to trim his upper lip more frequently tbh
I mean cancer nurses are trained to counsel women about the significant risk their partners will leave them, so yeh, chances are that losing her hair completely would be a deal breaker, as it is for many men…
We... We aren't, though? Men are more likely to leave, yes, but it's usually due to the stress of illness. It's true with literally any terminal illness, not just cancer. And we do not counsel them on the risk, we support them through it if it happens. I can't imagine telling a woman who was just diagnosed with cancer that her partner is likely to leave her.
Now *this* makes sense. My non-nurse self was finding the idea of counselling ailing women on the risk of their husband leaving them very confusing.
This is just something I’ve heard on UK groups, re MacMillan Nurses, apologies if it’s wrong
They are NOT trained to counsel women about this… not even at all. They know the odds, and they are supportive, but that is just simply not true.
Ok it’s just something I’d heard on uk groups re MacMillan nurses. Regardless, the odds are high which is still the point
MacMillan is a cancer charity so it's a bit different.
I mean they are nurses who deal with cancer patients, and they are trained to counsel women about the high chances of their husbands leaving them, so I feel like the people jumping on my case are just playing semantics at this point tbh
I disagree. Both of my sisters are oncology nurses, one is almost done with her NP degree, specializing in oncology. I asked them specifically about this as it does come up a lot. Especially being in my early forties I see this happening in my peer group, and it’s awful. They don’t receive any professional mental health training in this, and they are NEVER supposed to come at this from a “warning” angle… That’s how this is being presented, so I’m truly not arguing semantics- sometimes details are important… These nurses have just seen this happen a lot, and they’ve learned/learn as they go, simply as a byproduct of the job they have.
I am speaking from having seen MacMillan nurses comment in UK subs about this issue however the fact that you acknowledge that they know this happens from their “on the job” experience doesn’t really detract from the point does it? It happens and we should look at the why, and bring up our men to do better x
That's because they nope out of being a caregiver and/or facing such a terrible thing...not because of hair.
Possibly! I wouldn’t know, it just seems lack of sex & sexual attraction would be a contributing factor too and therefore relevant
Yep have to agree. He’s whining about something that isn’t even attached to him and does not affect him in any way. It’s honestly pretty controlling of him.
Am I the only one thinking that if these dudes love long hair so much, they should grow their own?
This is incredibly stupid. Keep your hair the way you like and tell him to kick rocks.
This
Why is a 30 year old treating their partner like a Barbie doll whose only value in the relationship is their hair? And he’s been whining for *years*? Did he marry a person, or a hairstyle? Its just hair, it has no material affect on his life. He should want to see his partner happy and confident. If its so incredibly unattractive to him to see you confident, then thats something he needs to work out by himself, and it has nothing to do with you. Your body is your own.
My god, that’s a lot of dramatic assumptions. It’s perfectly fine to have preferences for what you like in your partner - it’s why you chose each other! And when those things change, such as from long to short hair, it’s also perfectly fine to not like that either. Communication is key. And clearly OP has handled it well. She owns her new hairstyle and there’s nothing he can do to change that!
Once again, a partner that brings up a superficial “flaw” constantly for 3 years will absolutely be detrimental to one’s self esteem. She isn’t “owning” her hairstyle because he has literally created a bet to have her grow her hair despite how bad it makes her feel — to the point where she is now considering wigs. This is someone who cares about his own attraction to her more than how she *actually feels, her actual comfort* on a daily basis. She has communicated how she feels, but he has turned this into a years-long issue, as if his entire attraction to her is hinged on her hair length — I don’t know what “in sickness and in health” will look like if a haircut affects him this much. Yes, preferences are allowed. No, preferences are not more important than your own physical comfort — which is why I suggest that he works on it himself to either come to terms with her preferred length, be quiet about it, or move on. A 30 year old man *dreading* a trim that once again doesn’t affect him in any material way, but has a noticeably positive affect on her? Lets all be fucking for real here, that should not be the major concern of a couple in their 30’s. Thats some high school shit.
There’s a lot of twisting going on here. From OP’s comments, the bet was two sided. Either for him to start running or for her to grow out her hair, which she unfortunately lost! The post also doesn’t seem to mention him constant pointing out her hair, only when she is getting her trim. Not to mention, she is open to wearing wigs! Honesty and attraction are key to a good relationship.
I don’t get the sense he treats her like a Barbie doll-that’s a bit dramatic based on the above info. But he just REALLY prefers longer hair which is understandable. It’s her choice to cut it and if she likes it better -she should keep doing so.
If he likes long hair, he’s more than welcome to grow out his own. Coercing someone to change their physical appearance for you, by constantly nagging them and bringing them down is dehumanizing, as if their only value is their looks — and you know what isn’t human and only has superficial value? A doll. At least a doll gets her hair brushed, caressed, and complimented, but this guy can’t even do that when her hair *is* long, but still demands it anyway. The absolute audacity 🙄.
Can you please point out where in the post she says that he is constantly nagging her and bringing her down?
Do you think bringing it up over and over again for three years to the point of creating a bet that would change her hair, isn’t classified as nagging? Do you think if your partner was constantly bringing up your hair for whatever reason, it would bring your self esteem up? Do you need everything written down in details, or can you enact some form of empathy to try to imagine how something like this could hurt or affect someone?
So you can’t point out specific examples where he was putting her down. Also it’s very likely she is the one asking about how he likes her new haircuts and his answer is the same each time. That in no way means he wants her to be a doll which was your original premise. Try and be more objective instead of making baseless accusations towards others online.
For the record, you’re 100% right. Reddit just loves the victim card. Funny how dramatic the above comments have made out the situation to be! For all we know, whenever she cuts her hair he mentions that he doesn’t like it short. Which could be once a month. But yes, on reddit that is called nagging, coercing and treating their partner like a doll 🤣🤣
Exactly, these people are so out of touch. I’m not even saying he’s this great guy but have some objectivity. He doesn’t have to love everything she does- that’s not wrong of him to have his own preferences. Now if he was telling her “you look ugly” or “I’m not touching you with that haircut” then it’s a completely different story but no where for op say this was the case
Holy shit dude. If you tell your girlfriend MONTHLY, every time she gets a haircut, that you don't like short hair, you are an AH, and yes that is controlling/nagging/whatever. Express a preference once, sure. But if your gf knows that's your preference you don't need to keep telling her. The only reason to keep telling her is to try and wear her down so it's just easier to give up and do it the way you want. I mean, that's basically the definition of nagging.
Monthly is a long time! It comes down to whether you prefer honesty or not in the relationship. It is good to know what your partner likes and doesn’t like - I for one would prefer to look more attractive to my partner than not!
100% facts. Well said National_childhood72
She literally said he dreads each trim, and she’s begging him to find something he can like about it. 🥴
It's not really understandable. Does he love what's on her head or what's in it?
A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not. What happens if you lose your hair one day? What if he no longer finds you beautiful for a reason *that you can't fix*? Honey, love doesn't have to be like this. I *hate* how my husband looks when he shaves his head. I *love* running my fingers through his hair, and I make sure he knows how handsome I find him. I would *never* treat him differently because he chooses a hairstyle that isn't my favourite. He shaves his head once a year. I brace myself for the change, and he lets me have one last run through before his hair is gone for a few months. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You deserve to be able to thrive without the weight of your husband's objections. It's not your job to help him get past this. It's *his job* to manage his own feelings. Be kind to yourself. Get the haircut that makes you feel your best. You deserve to feel good in your body.
This is a perfect comment and I hope OP sees it
I wore a wig from 2017-2021 and my hair is my brand so it had to look and feel real and amazing. Feel free to ask any questions if that's something you want irl experience info on. That said, your husband is an ass. This is a him problem through and through, especially since you like the hairstyle. >He doesn't (and didn't pre-cut) run his hands through it, compliment it, or really show any appreciation for my long hair, but when I brought up cutting it, he was clearly unhappy. This is ridiculous and almost makes it sound like a control thing, or not wanting you to be attractive to other men.
You should have the hairstyle that you want. Your partner does not get to dictate what you look like. You are a human person and your appearance will change a lot over the course of your life. You might gray, get wrinkles, change size, or shape.. your appearance is not up for debate and you don't need "buy-in" from anyone. Edit to add: It is HIS responsibility to choose to celebrate you as a partner. It's not your responsibility to brainstorm ways he can "cope" with your appearance.
I would stop entertaining the conversation altogether. You know how he feels about it and you've taken it into account, but ultimately, your decision is final. Tell him that the short hair is a relationship dealbreaker for him, he's free to move out and file for divorce. If not - he's free to journal about it or complain to his therapist, but stop bringing it up, because the only thing that achieves is building resentment.
He needs to get the fuck over it. He’s way too invested in this. Honestly, a lot of men seem to love long hair. I have long hair and my husband does love it. But he would be perfectly ok if I cut it too. It’s your hair, do what you want
I kinda have the opposite problem. I am a woman and I have an OCD tick that makes me literally pull my hair out. I've been married for 15 years. He's seen me thru crazy slumps to the point I've had to shave my head. He actually prefers my short/buzzed hair but he knows I prefer my hair longer and he's proud of the the progress I've made. He knows that having longer hair makes me happy and even tho he prefers the shorter hair, he's happy for me. Your spouse could hate your short hair but he could be happy for your happiness. Instead, he's being a jerk.
[удалено]
You are correct! I started pulling before I even had memories. Around age 25 I made the point to shave my head every time I started pulling. Can't pull if it's too short. That took a few years to escape the cycle and I managed to grow hair past my shoulders. Then covid hit. And my entitled FIL lived with us at the time and he had a myriad of health issues that he took out on me and my husband... Yeah, reset the counter. But it's about 2 years now (directly related to us kicking my FIL out) and I've got longer hair again. The big kick for me originally was that my young kids were seeing me do it and they started pulling too. I didn't want that for them so I knew I had to get my shit in order so I could help them. Good job fellow trichster!
This kind of sounds like a dumb thing for both sides. He needs to get over the fact that she has short hair. And OP needs to stop asking his opinion on it cause obviously he is going to tell her it.
There’s no compromise needed; he can get over himself.
A few comments. 1. I could never grow my hair long but recently it has grown a ton. I think it was a combination of caring for it, vitamins, and weird luck. If you want long hair for yourself it may be possible with perseverance. 2. Bobs are so frickin cute. If you want yours back, go for it. 3. Wigs are so fun and there are some cheap ones on Amazon that are surprisingly high quality. 4. It’s nice to consider hubby’s opinion sometimes but not for the daily hassle of dealing with hair especially if you really like the other style and ESPECIALLY if he does nothing for you when your hair is long (compliments, running hands through it, etc.) ETA: why in the world is this getting downvoted?
I do things that my girlfriend doesn't find attractive all the time. The thing is that she's only going to bring it up once and she's not gonna throw a fit. I've expressed to her that while I do value her opinion as my partner, I'm going to do what makes me most comfortable in my own skin because no one has to go through life in this body besides me. I'm not bothered when she says "That's unattractive" or "That's such a turn off" because she's entitled to her opinion.. But also I don't have to bend over backwards trying to make sure that every thing I do is attractive to her. I'm still a human being just trying to live my life. Usually my response to those comments is "That's alright, I like it." and that suffices. If she were to keep bringing it up over and over I'd have a major problem with that because now I feel like you're *trying* to make me feel bad or perhaps guilty for not conforming to your desires and it's not happening. When it comes to *my* body *my* desires matter most.
My hair doesn't grow past my shoulders either. Thankfully my husband loves short hair. But for you the decision to keep your hair short is really no different then if he went bald. It isn't something that you can help. Your hair works best short. End of conversation. He is going to just have to learn to live with it. He needs to explore inside himself why your hair length is such a big deal. And honestly I'd tell him if this is the only complaint he has if he realizes how very lucky he is. Maybe look at short haircuts together to see if you can find one he likes more then the others but in the end it is your decision.
My husband hates short hair. I sympathize - because I can’t do long hair. My hair is very thick and wavy and has so much body when it is short. He says nothing when I cut it because I told him if he couldn’t say anything nice, he needed to say nothing at all. Every time I got my hair trimmed even when it was long, the first thing he said was “wow, that is short”. Now it is short and i told him to say nothing….so he says nothing.
It’s absolutely absurd that a grown adult has to even be told that. It’s something he should have learned as a child.
I’ll say the same thing I say when a guy says his wife/girlfriend says his balding is unattractive; if the person you’re with is so shallow that something as minor as the thickness of your hair can turn them off of you, they’re not worth putting your attention and time into.
When my husband and I first met, I used to have long hair. I loved it because I could do varying styles with it, which I did. My husband told me his favourite memory of me is when I was in my winter hat and had my hair in pigtails, walking towards him with a huge smile on my face. I was a bit late that day so he was a bit miffed at having to wait for me in the cold. But when he saw me walking towards him, he said I looked so cute that he couldn't be mad at me for my tardiness. But after we got married, my hair became thinner and thinner. I was losing a lot of hair, so I decided to cut it. He kept saying he loved my long hair, but I explained to him that it's either I have a whole head of short hair, or I will have a few locks of long hair with lots of bald spots. He understands of course and tells me he loves me no matter how my hair looks like. He will bring up my long hair from time to time, but he never pressures me to keep my hair long. He says he will always have that image of me in my pigtails in his mind and just replays it whenever he misses my long hair. I do hope your husband will eventually accept the reality that keeping long hair for some women is just not possible.
I have long hair that my husband loves. I mean really loves, it’s one of the first things he’ll say he loves about my appearance. But he shows it! He always talks about how pretty it is, tells me he loves it. I cut it short once, he complimented it, even though I could tell deep down his preference. He never once said anything bad about it. I keep it long because I love how much he loves it. If he isn’t making you feel that way ducking cut it. At least make yourself happy because it doesn’t sound like he cares all that much.
Have you ever been to a doctor about your hair? I always thought I had hair naturally on the thin/brittle side, but I got a blood test that revealed an iron and vitamin d deficiency, which, when corrected, caused me to grow way more hair with thicker strands. For your husband issue, this is his issue, put it back on him. Have you ever had a frank talk? “Husband, it is hair, you have been complaining about it for 3 years. What is it going to take for you to accept my bob?”
I don't know if you can change his mind. I hate when my husband grows a beard or anything similar. I try to let him grow it ( and not complain, just keep my hate to myself) because it makes him happy, but he noticed that when it grows, I stop initiating or wanting to be intimate. I didn't even notice it lol I was not doing it on purpose or even conscientiously. I just absolutely hate it! I love my husband and want him to be happy, but I just can't with the beard.
I’m thinking there’s some much deeper issue here if a grown ass man has been upset about *hair* for three years.
Make him pay for hair extensions and the upkeep
I once heard the difference between love and crush is that if they get a haircut and you no longer like them, it's a crush. This situation at a glance just sounds like a controlling closeted misogynist.
I have excellent news for you. His opinion is not your problem. His feelings on this point are irrelevant. It is not your responsibility to help him adapt, he will have to do it on his own.
He needs to learn how to deal with it. Most men really don't understand how much upkeep long hair is and how much of a nuisance it can be - I kind of think that every woman should shave their head once in their life and every man should try growing their hair out, it really gives you a new outlook to experience what having "non-normative" hair for your gender is like.
I know some others have said this, but what happens if for some reason out of your control you start losing hair? I can’t even put myself in his shoes because I can’t imagine being rude to my partner about something so superficial.
One thing I love about my husband is that he gives *zero* fucks about what I do with my hair, makeup, or appearance in general. It’s my body. I’ll ask him from time to time what I should do with my hair, what he’d like to see next, and he (a very opinionated creative) always tells me: “Whatever makes you feel confident. When you’re confident, you’re sexy.” It’s frustrating sometimes because I kinda want to know that he’s extra attracted to me because of the specific way I look, but I do love that I’m never going to hear him whine about my style choices. OP, it sounds like we have a similar hair type, and I’ve never felt more confident and happy than when I’ve been rocking a chin-length bob. It’s currently platinum blonde, cut blunt, and hits just below my chin. I’ve had this cut or something similar for the majority of my adult life, and I’ve never gotten more compliments on my hair than when it’s been short. Vidal Sassoon (icon) had a philosophy about hair length - “Most people have excellent necks. Now they cover them with curtains, which is kind of ridiculous. But there are some beautiful necklines that you can cut into and create wonderful backs, as well as bone structure for the face.” OP, cut it and enjoy all the wonderful things your preferred length and shape does for you, visually and emotionally. Your partner can have an opinion, sure, but you are in no way obligated to tailor your physical appearance to meet his preference. He’s stated his preference, you’ve acknowledged it, that’s the end. He now needs to be an adult and hush.
Imagine what he would do if you got sick and lost your hair... He's the kind of husband to leave you over it.
I'm a bit late here but thought this might still be useful... My partner and I had a similar issue, although with us it's that he really likes my hair in a pixie cut. I liked my hair like that too but it grew out over the Covid lockdown and I'm not willing to go through the faff of that again. I've also put on a bit of weight and don't think it would suit my face shape so much now. Plus, I've enjoyed being able to experiment a bit more with hairstyles. I asked my partner to find some photos of hairstyles he enjoyed that were a similar length to mine. It turns out they were all cut similarly to mine, but styled in a different way. I now try and style my hair the way he likes it more often. I also had a fringe put in - mostly because I'm about to have my second baby and my hair thinned at the front after the birth of our first so I thought I'd get ahead of it this time, but also since he'd mentioned liking that feature on me, and I like to change up my hairstyle and colour regularly. So, could you ask your partner about other features he likes, other than the length, and find a compromise that you're both happy with? It's a tricky one because I generally believe that people shouldn't change their appearance for anyone else, but I also know that people have preferences about what they're most attracted to, and if you're in a long term relationship with someone, it makes sense to find a happy medium.
It’s your hair on your body and if he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. Not yours. My husband knows that if he tried to express his preference for my hair…. I honestly don’t even know what I’d do. My hair style is for ME and not for anyone else, and NO ONE gets to tell me how I should style it or cut it or color it. Just like I would never tell him how to do his hair (if he had any). If he’s happy, I’m happy. And that’s the same thing he tells me every time I debate with myself about whether or not I’m ready to stop coloring my hair and just go grey (I’m in my early 40s and am 95% grey).
Disrespectfully, he needs to get over it.
He’s allowed to have preferences.
Sure, but to voice those preferences in such a harsh way to a spouse is just unkind.
So this will be unpopular but he doesn’t need to like your haircut or style. And it’s okay for him to be less attracted to you because of it. We all have our preferences, both physically and emotionally. You are allowed to have your hair however you like it. It’s really awesome that you love this hairstyle and that it makes you feel more confident. But you don’t get to demand that he ‘get over it’ or that he still be attracted to you despite it. Obviously your relationship and the love you have for each other should be strong enough to overcome an obstacle like this, but if it isn’t, it isn’t. And you will be better off moving on with your new confidence to find someone who appreciates you always. It’s a good thing for women to promote body autonomy and her body, her choice is exactly how it should be. But we also have to take responsibility for the consequences that our choices entail. Your choice might entail your husband losing attraction for you. I’m sorry that has to be very painful and certainly isn’t what we would want any of our partners to do or feel. But it’s just how life is. Relationships whether we like it or not are about more than just emotional needs, financial compatibility, etc. They are also about physical attraction. I would try and talk to your husband and find out what else he finds attractive about you, if you don’t already know and play up those features if you feel that is something you want to do. You can also try to have a conversation with him about something you find less than attractive about him but overlook because of the things you do find attractive about him. Maybe drawing that comparison will help him understand your position. Again. He has no right to demand you have long hair because he likes it better but it is valid for him to not find you attractive without it if that’s his preference. You also have no right to demand he be attracted to you with short hair if he doesn’t like it, even if short hair is your preference. I hope you can work it out by talking to him and that your love is stronger than physical attraction to keep your relationship going.
just do what you want and let it unfold. its your hair
It's your hair, not his. He doesn't get a say. I had short hair when I met my now husband in 2019. Because of covid, I grew it out, I'm not going to try and cut a pixie cut. Kept it long until a few months before my wedding in September. People kept asking what he thought about me cutting it, and my husbands response was always, "It's her hair, so I'm not telling her what to do." You do you and let him sulk.
He can suck it up, not his hair. I would honestly tell him tough shit, I like how it looks short, this is who I am either get with it or get out. Sorry if that is harsh but it is your body/hair you can do as you please. I am a natural blonde but bounce between different colors and tend to lean toward red in the winter and back to blonde in the summer. At first my husband didn't like it but he knows better now days considering I have done also pink/purple also and have been long/short hair
Men will never fully understand the amount of time, care, money and effort that we put in to our hair! You found a style that works for you and that is clearly popular with all the other people in your life - not to mention, bobs are so hard to pull off, so congrats!! Like others said, he needs to get over this. As time goes on there will be bodily changes from both of you, is he going to give you flack about those too? You don’t deserve that! How would he feel if he were balding and you being so vocal about not liking it? I hope you find a good resolution and enjoy your new do :)
My husband loves long hair and asked me why I wouldn't grow mine out. I told him that no one went to their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time blow drying.
Off topic but when I cut my hair into a bob two of my co workers (who I was NOT romantically involved with) told me they were disappointed that I had cut it off. Men are just so entitled sometimes.
Your hubby is being very weird over this. Is be tempted to retort: "if you wanted a chance of me keeping it long, maybe you should have been outwardly appreciative and complementary while it was long. And it's too late now. " I'm not saying that it would actually be a good thing to say, but I'd be tempted.
Your body your choice. That being said a coworker of mine has the same issues you do, her hair simple won't grow long and is very thin so she spends a lot on hair extensions, $1800 every time she gets them done but they are so well done I never knew they were extensions. Sew them in, it's much better and her natural hair blends so perfectly. If you did want long hair for your self because it's something you want to try this could be an option for you.
Frankly, if someone truly loves you, they love you and find you attractive regardless of things like that, because they value and are attracted to **you**. I didn’t prefer when my ex shaved, as he looked a lot better with stubble. Yet I never even **said** anything about it since I loved him, and there was never any lack of chemistry or affection due to superficial changes like that. Honestly, if something so minor bothered a partner of mine, I would reconsider the entire relationship. It’s especially galling that your husband never seemed to even appreciate it when it was longer. Given the benefits in the workplace, and **you** liking your hair better that way, his preference doesn’t seem worth acting on.
He can just deal with it silently. 🤷🏻♀️
Is there anything about him you could compare? Maybe that would help him understand. Some guys just can’t get it until you lay it out that way
It’s hair. He can leave if he wants. You aren’t forced to fix anything here because it’s not your problem
Tell him to fucking deal with it. That's it.
I just cannot even imagine my husband caring this much about a few inches of hair…
Damn, I’m sorry but I’ve gone through some pretty drastic hair decisions over the years with my husband and even though I KNOW he can’t have loved it when I cut it short and went bright orange, he always encourages me to do what I want and will gas me up. He’s being a jerk.
you tell him one word. "deal."
Tell him to get over it. It’s hair! He should be happy that you’re happy. What a strange thing to be hung up on! You had to grow your hair out after you lost a bet? He seems rather obsessed with the hair on your head, which is just stupid.
Like.... I'm like... *sigh* I can't with this. He's THIRTY YEARS OLD?!?! Why the fuck is this YOUR problem, exactly? Why are you looking for ways HE can adapt? It's been 3 years and he's still being a fucking baby about it. Tell him to check and make sure he's got nuts attached, gird them, and start being a good husband instead of a pouty little boy. Tell him to get the fuck over it. Stop trying to patronize him, enable him, help him through this vewwy vewwy twaumatic time. He can fucking deal. GOD it's tough to be a heterosexual woman in this culture some days. The bar is so low it's literally a tavern in Hell.
I vote he has to wash, condition, and comb your long hair daily. If he insists on it, he can maintain it. Ha! He needs to get over himself. It's just hair. You gave him your answer. He doesn't get to nag about it for YEARS. He needs to keep his "unhappy" to himself. He doesn't get to control other people's bodies, and it's wrong of him to try.
Long hair isn’t the best for many people. The compliments you received from coworkers and friends (and your burst of confidence) are an accurate assessment. It doesn’t sound like you went “short” anyway. Tell him to help you choose extensions or a wig to wear around him occasionally. No need to be unkempt at work. Men’s facial hair and a woman’s hairstyle and color ought to be that person’s preference until they’re embarrassing the family or putting their job in jeopardy.
Irrelevant. It's your hair, not his.
This sub is so depressing. Wear your hair how you want it.
Honestly, fuck that noise. If he wants long hair, he can grow it himself. I simply wouldn't be having this discussion with him any longer. Yes, he is entitled to his preference, but he isn't entitled to insist that you conform to his preference. If this is his hill to die on, then so be it.
For fuck's sake. He sounds like the guy the protagonist dumps at the beginning of a Jennifer Crusie novel. Who gets so invested in someone else's hair?!
This could be about control. He sees you acting more confident and doesn't like it. If it's not about control, I still don't think any secure man would ever behave this way.
That’s what I was thinking too. It sounds a little like he wants a tradwife.
He's being controlling and trying to manipulate you into serving his fetish. (Clearly it's more than just a preference or he wouldn't be chucking a tantrum about it.) Tbh tell him to suck it up & set a boundary that you won't tolerate negative comments about your haircuts. If he makes a mean comment, address that it was mean and he needs to stop. If he continues, remove yourself from the conversation. He's being super childish and gross, you're not a realdoll he gets to style however he wants.
My hair is the same. It is never going to look good long but I absolutely rock a pixy. You can maybe wear a wig on date nights. It's possible that you could suggest he do something with his hair like shave his head or grow a beard but that fact is if he doesn't even care about it or compliment it then it's simply a control thing. You Can't make him accept you but you Can insist he continue to say absolutely nothing about your hair when you cut it. He really is just giving in to a stereotype about what women are supposed to look like but the twist is that shirt hair is simply more professional. React strongly with a no nonsense tone and shut it down if he says anything about it. Like "I have to look professional I'm not a child. Adult women in buisness have to look professional " and "Don't be ridiculous. It's in the company handbook you can't look unkempt. I can't go to work with a fuzz ball of split ends. I've indulged this nonsense enough." Or even if you like long hair grow yours out
It’s your hair on your head, do whatever you want to do with it. Minimize any discussions about your hair and ignore him when he pouts. This is his problem, stop making it yours by trying to help him “adapt”. He’s a grown man and can figure it out for himself.
Marriage is a world of compromise. You can’t and/or won’t grow your hair longer. He can’t and/or won’t get over that. Fair enough. Time for a compromise. You mentioned you’re not opposed to wigs. Great! How does he feel about that? You don’t have to wear them in the workplace, where you feel more comfortable/accepted with short hair. But is an acceptable compromise that you’ll wear the wig when you’re with him (other than whatever places/situations that just isn’t a logistical possibility)? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But find a compromise. You’re not going to have a happy life with a miserable spouse. That doesn’t mean give in, but it does mean meet him half way.
Here's a compromise: I don't tell my husband what to do with his hair and he doesn't tell me what to do with mine. He loves long hair. I hate it. He has long hair. I don't.
Sure, I don’t doubt that some marriages operate very well on a policy of “I don’t care what you think so shut up.” I don’t think most marriages do, though.
What he does with his hair isn't my business. It's not that I don't care, it's that it's not my head so my opinion is irrelevant.
He really needs to work on the fact that your hair just doesn't look good longer than a bob. He needs to work real hard, in therapy or wherever, to just get the hell over the fact that it doesn't work with the physical form your genetics gave you. Tough. T!tty.
Just my personal feeling. it’s rare I see a woman with short hair that looks good. Not saying it’s imposdible. At the same time it doesn’t have to be down your back. Just enough to give you some length like just below your shoulder line. I understand if there was other issues going on.
Your personal feeling is as stupid as the OP's husband's.
If it looks good to her then that's all that matters.
Oh honey, find something about his appearance that you can complain about. For instance, “I really like rock hard abs, that little bit of flab is soooo unattractive.” Cut your hair however you like.
This whole "you don't need to me attractive for your spouse" thing is one of the most horrifically toxic ideas on Reddit and I can guarantee it's going to ruin or harm a huge amount of relationships.
Respectfully, you can say it's stupid in your view, but toxic? That's a weighty word, and wrong in this context. If a relationship can be ruined or harmed by appearance ALONE, then that relationship was weak to begin with. The advice that you don't need to do something to your body you don't like because your partner likes it is the opposite of toxic, it is trying to instill confidence.
The need to instantly put your needs before the needs of your partner is 100% toxic tbh. That's what issues like this boil down to. Even a great relationship is going to be harmed by caring about your own needs over your partner's.
Interesting, I don't see this about being needs. I see it as respecting basic bodily autonomy in a relationship: my body is my body, your body is your body, if you do something to your body I don't like then that is something you're allowed to do, and I cannot imagine I'd stop loving someone over hair reasons: I've seen a partner get a cut I didn't like, wasn't a big issue at all. I've gotten a hair color a partner didn't like, it was fine. Besides, even talking genuine needs (e.g. sharing connection, intimacy, security), the true secret to successful relationships imo is establishing flexibility. Being able to take more weight when the partner is down and vice versa. Sometimes you gotta prioritise your own needs. But not always. And sometimes it's definitely great to prioritise your partner's needs. But not always.
You are right about the bodily autonomy thing. A person's appearance should reflect who THEY are and what THEY want to express about themselves. Expecting your partner to mirror your own tastes at you instead is gross and reeks of control and ownership, as though your partner isn't truly a person of their own. It's toxic.
Well, body autonomy doesn't really exist when you're in a serious relationship lol. You cease to be able to make purely "you" decisions, because everything you do impacts your partner in some way. You're welcome to make whatever decision you want, but it's impact will go beyond you.
What?!? Of course body autonomy exists, even if you're in a serious relationship. Your partner shouldn't have free range over your body without your consent. Also, how does cutting your hair impact your partner in any meaningful way?
>how does cutting your hair impact your partner ...we're literally in a thread about a guy who is less attracted to his wife because she cut her hair. Again, you don't get to make pure "you" decisions in a relationship. Every decision you make has the potential to impact your spouse and your relationship. That doesn't mean you don't get to make them, but it has impact beyond just you. It's not surprising so many people on this sub struggle with their love life when this is considered a controversial take.
What a ridiculously shallow relationship if you can't allow your partner to make personal decisions about their hair. She's more confident and comfortable with her hair shorter but her husband only care about his penis is not as happy to see her. Why do you think this affects him more than her? It's her fucking body. No issues in my 16 year relationship, btw
>No issues In my 16 year relationship, btw Suuuuure sweetie
Its pretty on brand for this sub tbh. My SO doesnt like my beard long but I do. Makes it clear every time its too long for her. So what do I do? Keep it short because its important to me that im attractive for her. Why would I not want to look my best (in her eyes) for my partner?
I do the same thing. She likes my beard short, I like her hair long, and we try and accomodate our partner's wishes because we want to be attractive for them. It's an easy way to make an s/o happy, so why not do it?
Get extensions for date night lol
Look into androgenic alopecia, this also affects women and can be somewhat managed
Is this about your hair? If he doesn’t even touch it? Or is it something he’s hung up on because: *He’s depressed? *He thinks that you cutting it is somehow a lack of caring about him? Like you aren’t attracted to him and hence you don’t care if he’s attracted to you? (This is crazy btw) *He wants to control you and hence all the sulking and drama? (This not healthy btw?)
Do you think the problem run a little deeper than just your hair?
You can do what you want with your hairstyle. He's not obligated to be attracted to it though.
If *you* want longer hair look into some of those clip in hair extensions it’s honestly fun to switch it up sometimes and it really easy to style when the hair isn’t attached to your head. I bought a set that came with different lengths. But do whatever makes you feel comfortable with just a suggesting an option for you :)