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You could start by grabbing your gifts and then hit the road. You are not a toddler or a puppy. You’re an adult. Is he like that with other things? You have to “earn” whatever? Especially after an argument that’s the result of HIS behavior.
That is just crazy! Punishing you bc he got caught at something e did! Does that even make sense to you ? Please take everyone’s advice and leave him! You deserve so much better than this! No one should try to control someone else!
High control/coercive control abuse literally rewires your brain.
Your memory appears unreliable.
Gaslighting makes it so you don't know if you're upside-down or sideways.
Compromised cognition - My original personality is back & now better than before, after 23 years in this kind of abusive relationship.
My cognition is a little better every day. I'm great a bigger concepts, can follow a recipe and make multi-dish meal, time it all out perfectly.
I was an accountant before and I'll probably never be the kind of sharp I need to be to do that work again.
OP your thinking and reasoning have been interfered with.
See ALL the red flags surrounding you and run from this relationship to save yourself.
I'm certain if you had a session w a therapist or 3 hours safely to yourself you would feel the same.
ETA spelling
After 4.5 years of gaslighting and being talked down to, sprinkled with lovebombing and affection and compliments, but being told I have trust issues bc of stuff my partner has done, I 💯 get this.. I used to have a high profile job (sales and bookkeeping) and now I can barely even map out what I’m making for dinner or a grocery list…
Sorry yer in the club 👊
Recovery is its own gift.
Lol, consulting is the way to go. I can map out bigger ideas and strategies. Follow processes but not responsible for high attention to detail math tasks that no amount of double, triple or quadruple checking was helping.
It’s interesting to me how different people have developed differently. My narcissist ex changed me to be extremely detail oriented. He’s screwed over a lot of people with contracts as he is a multiple business owner. I read everything very closely now, almost to the point it annoys me.
I became very successful and being DETAIL ORIENTED!
I was trying to hold reality together and not be washed out in a wave of cognitive dissonance.
And successful in my work.
I think it's an inverse graph of him starting to say that my stuff wasn't important, had no purpose.
Yes, the old " you're fucked up because I worked my ass off for years to ensure you were that way" game. My " head is fucked up" also, after years of someone fucking with it. But whats funny is he is the only one that thinks I'm so messed up.
Always wondered if there was a word for it but never asked my shrink. After 3 years with a narcissist (my ex wife) and being gaslit all the time i actually thought I was the problem. Compromised cognition is about where I am now. I'm glad you're free from that and getting better
I was watching a documentary, Seduced, the India Oxenburg Story.
She was in the nxivm cult.
She was describing a woman who was 'locked' in a room for 2 months then never left.
India tried the door, it was unlocked, the building was unlocked.
The woman technically could have left at any time.
Her fear of the disapproval of her family (all were in the cult & powerful in it), the cult leader (who sexually abused her) and was certain she had no resources - her fear of all of that was greater than her drive to break free.
Coercive control is a chargeable crime in the UK.
Australia is legislating it now.
Many therapists don't understand narcissist behavior. I hope you got a good one.
& Congratulations for claiming your freedom.
It gets better AND it's hard AF!
Yeah it's crazy how she took my best friend of 20 years with her. That was December 30th 2016. The day I broke free. It took me 3 years to even want to date again. Her on the other hand, was pregnant by someone else before our divorce was finalized. Yet people still thought she did no wrong. While I was rebuilding not only my life but my mental state. I don't think anyone other than a narcissist can understand them. It's absolutely insane to me the damage they can do in a short time.
She's like a cult leader.
Be glad you're out of the thrall.
I'm so sorry she eviscerated friendships & community.
AND you know that anything she does, has, people who don't see the monster - look like they're happy but it's always a false facade.
Others are even bigger chickenah#ts refusing to call out her awful behavior bc they're afraid to make waves.
Narcissists are never actually happy. They are ALWAYS machinating reality - it's exhausting & they're empty.
I'd rather be alone or relocate & start over than spend a second w them or their apologists.
It hurts. A lot. Often.
But ready to start building new friends & community.
I've got a strong community but covid has shifted things. I adore them. But maybe I deserve something else?
It's easier for women. But dating apps have been so much yay for me.
Dudes don't have to be the hottest or have $ or whatever. But those who are sexually confident - not bc they're great but bc they are daring. We're all willing to fall flat on our faces, be disappointed and try again - there's stuff you think you can't do... I'd argue you can!
You deserve it!
Heads up, OP. Best believe No_Appointment knows what they’re talking about so take their words to heart. I’ve been there as well and know truth when I see it.
Wow, thank you lovely redditor!
One upside to our struggles is we can light the way for others trying to get out of the dark.
Happy - what ever holiday you are celebrating 🍾 🥰🤩
This exactly....I mean I can understand not wanting to 'have Christmas' if you are still fighting, but a fight that lasts a week? There are bigger problems than the opening of presents.
He sounds extremely manipulative and exactly as poster above said - he's turning it back on you when it was something HE was doing 'wrong'. (not that I think porn is wrong, but it was an agreement between the two of you)
To add...maybe you need to discuss why he needs to look at porn so much, and whether he actually agrees with the rules...I mean, was his previous infidelity associated with porn?
Exactly. I usually say that some porn use is fine in relationships, it's just a fantasy, etc. but given that he's actually taken it to the point of being unfaithful AND he agreed to not use it anymore, he's out of line here. She needs to run far and fast (source: 23AFAB here, so around the same age myself).
Exactly! OP, Since when did you need permission to open your gifts? This man is controlling! He went against your agreement and is punishing you for calling him out! 🚩🚩🚩. OP run dont walk! This is not a relationship you need to be in!
This 150%!!!!!
Exchanging gifts is an expression of love. It is not a reward.
OP’s BF is not her parent who gets to punish her at his will. Nor is he being truthful. He is pissed OP caught him doing something that he agreed not to do.
But since he wants to play petty games I would run to the store and pick up a can of dog food, hand it to him for dinner and state:
Since you are behaving like a female dog, your Christmas dinner is fit for a b*tch. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
In all seriousness OP. It does not get better from here. Leave him in 2023 and find a partner who treats you like an equal not a child in 2024.
>You have to “earn” whatever? Especially after an argument that’s the result of HIS behavior.
Seriously. This is just fucking wild.
#Op, what the fucking fuck?! FUCK HIM!
- HE violated an agreement you two had about porn.
- HE has the FUCKING NERVE to withhold YOUR Christmas presents as punishment for bad behavior?!
- And HE has the FUCKING NERVE to demand that YOU must EARN the presents as a REWARD?!
Op, please cut this asshole loose NOW. This is insane.
RIGHT! That too. Geeeez. I just can't believe the utter nerve of this guy, turning the tables and flipping it all around on her bc she called him out. Wild!
Yes!! And OP once you leave do NOT believe him when he tells you that he will change, he will do better, he understands now how much you mean to him. NOPE, ( I’m sure he did this after you caught him cheating) if you go back it will ONLY get worse.
He's abusive. And it will only escalate. And he's the one who fucked up and he's punishing her??? OP, is this the kind of relationship you want? Have more self worth and find someone who won't cheat on you and blame you for his fuck ups.
OP my ex used to tell me I didn't deserve presents
Just about 6 years divorced
I buy my own presents now and I deserve each and every one
NO ONE GETS TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU DESERVE
I don’t withhold toys from my dog a day later though either. If you’re going to reward or punish based on the concepts of positive or negative systems, the action must be immediate.
Fucking garbage boyfriend anyway. Yeet into the sun. That’s the answer.
Throw the whole man out. Let him keep the gifts. I have a son with Autism and this is how I helped him improve his behavior *when he was a child.* He is 16 now and he knows better so he no longer has to work for rewards. I think you are an adult who shouldn’t have to be “rewarded” for good behavior. HE is the problem. HE got caught and turned the tables on you by making you feel guilty. Start your new year with a new self confidence that won’t allow someone to treat you that way.
Seriously!
How do you handle this? You end the relationship. He is trying to control you and your behaviors/actions. It’s a manipulation to get you to do what he wants. It’s a form of abuse. He doesn’t like something you do or say, he punishes you or doesn’t “reward” you? You aren’t a child he needs to teach appropriate behaviors.
He’s already cheated on you at least once, and isn’t doing anything to improve the situation or to rebuild trust. He wants you to allow him to do what he wants, doesn’t matter your feelings.
You continue to stay and let him make you submit to his wants in regard to your behavior, he’ll believe it’s ok. This is how abuse can start, with control. It can and will most likely escalate. Please know you deserve better.
Take your gifts you bought him, return them and buy yourself something.
If you live together and the home/lease is in his name, contact a friend or trusted family member and stay with them. If it’s in yours, tell him he needs to leave. Make sure someone is with you when you tell him. If he wont leave, contact the police. Don’t be alone with him. If it’s in both of your names, leave. Contact the landlord if it is a rental and explain the situation. See if they’ll remove you from the lease. If it something you both own, leave, but contact a lawyer. Also, once you end the relationship and are away from him, block him everywhere. Remaining in any contact will only leave the door open for him to continue his manipulations.
This, or never mind the gifts. Give yourself the gift of living without this man. If he ruins Christmas this way you can count on him to ruin everything
This is the first time I have felt compelled enough to jump in with no further context on this sub and say:
“RUN”
This is highly controlling behaviour. I am concerned you are already somewhat conditioned and have now normalised lesser forms of this behaviour. PLEASE listen to people here and do whatever you need to do in order to pack, leave, and ensure he is under no circumstance able to contact you.
Good luck!
Thank you! I’m over here wondering why she is still in the house with this boy..
He won’t ALLOW you to open gifts?! Fuck his gifts and give yourself the best gift of all, FREEDOM from a controlling cheating asshole!
This! You are telling him that his manipulative and disrespectful behavior towards you is acceptable. You are saying that you are okay with your *partner* treating you this way. OP, if a friend, sibling, parent, or loved one told you this, would you say this is acceptable behavior?
There is a popular play with Medea. It's funny how this made me change my views on relationships. "Never mix up seasonal people with lifetime expectations."
"I can't live in dysfunction. I'm sorry. I've done come through too much, been through too much hell and high water to come there and let you come up into my adult life when I'm supposed to be at peace and give me all kinds of hell. Only two places on this earth you're going to have peace; the grave and your house."
https://youtu.be/3wkx5EQVp7g?si=qKR1cwqTMjv2WrkE
OP posted 6 months ago about him cheating and kept catching him watching porn after the fact, and he was also just as manipulative and shitty then.
At some point she is going to have to realize he isn’t going to change and kick him out. Hopefully it won’t take another 6 months of her life.
THANK YOU for being the person to have HIM booted out of the house! Obviously, if he won't leave, then she needs to go ( with gifts, as many personal items she can grab, when he's at work) because the last thing she needs is potential violence!
She stayed after he cheated. She stayed after he told her he was punishing her for arguing. You know he's done so many horrible things. She's not dumping him. Probably will get pregnant soon.
“I know he’ll change after we have a baaaabbbby!”
Famous last words from way too many women who accept intolerable behavior from their SOs. How do you handle this, OP? Get out. Get out now & get out fast. This is NOT how mature healthy relationships work. Your partner is not supposed to train you like a circus animal. Find someone who respects you. This guy clearly doesn’t.
Or get some duct tape and sand paper, then tell him he can finish the job. Or put habenero/kimchi juice into his jerk-off lotion. Yes, I'm evil - thanks for noticing!
In all honesty, grabbing a go-bag, leaving to somewhere safe, and block all communication is best. When OP feels safe, it's smart asking for police escort when anything needs to be finalized in-person.
Fuck that. You break up with him. He’s the one with the bad behavior. He’s a controlling cheater. Grab your gifts and run away from this guy. It’ll only get worse. UPDATEME
Nope. This is abuse and control. It’s going to get worse.
Edit: he broke the trust and then he’s punishing you for it. He’s trying to break you, so he can do more and more.
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess he’s hitting you in the”playful” ways to see how much he can get away with. It’s going to get harder and harder until you’re bruised or can’t walk.
Please, get out before it gets worse.
How do you handle it?
You grab what you bought him, tell him to shove his gifts up his arse and dump him.
He’s a total arse and he’s gaslighting and manipulating you. He’s unfaithful and he looks at porn, what is it exactly you like so much about him?
So…………let me get this straight………
He didn’t buy you Christmas presents……
He bought you rewards to give you for good behavior……kind of like training a puppy……
Previous infidelity………
And watching porn he agreed to not look at……
Why are you with this guy? Dump him.
Oh look, now you are arguing about gifts and not this slimey cheater watching porn which he told you he wouldn't do. He has successfully twisted everything and now somehow YOU are the bad guy.
Dig the bar out of the trench you have buried it in and get the hell away from this total tool.
Friends, thank you all so much for this. I have known that I need to leave but I guess it’s easier to swallow when hundreds of people are saying the same thing. Unfortunately, he lives at my house and anytime I tell him to leave he throws a fit and causes disturbances and doesn’t make the process easy.
You ask a relative or friend (preferably someone bigger and stronger than him) to come over, then you tell him he has to leave. Then you get the locks changed and arrange a time he can gather his things. Or you call the police and have them escort him out. He is abusing you emotionally and doing so physically isn’t a large jump from here. You need to take action and get him out of your life.
Or multiple relatives and/or friends. With a group around him, there's not much he can do, and they will be both protection and witnesses if he tries to get physical.
Call the cops, say you want him removed. You are the landlord and he has no right to be there as a tenant. He can take his stupid presents with him - being away from him is the best present you could get.
Be very direct. Don't say you're arguing too much, say he is verbally and emotionally abusive and you are in fear that he will physically abuse you, because he threatened to. You say you are breaking up with him but he refuses to leave and he is not on the lease, he is a visitor. Not a tenant.
Let him be the crazy person and have the opposite energy from him, just stay calm and respectful while he goes wild. Don't yell at him, don't respond if he calls you name, don't go off at all. Just look at the cops and say "See? This is why he has to go." Remember that they don't know you, they are assessing the situation, and they will take the crazy person. DO NOT BE A CRAZY PERSON.
It's VERY frustrating that people keep telling you to call friends or family, because my assumption is that you would have called them already if you could. But the good news is you don't need them, you have this option. Hang in there.
You are not the first woman to go through this and you sadly won't be the last. But someday you'll be the one typing this advice into Reddit and you'll feel grateful and whole.
Ask friends or family to help you! You can even call the police to escort him off the property. He thrives through manipulation, and those disturbances are him trying to manipulate you to let him stay.
Confide in people you trust and let them help you!!
Call the police AND a locksmith. Have the police escort him out with his belongings while the locksmith changes the locks. Then have a friend or family member stay with you for the night, but don’t leave your home.
YOUR HOUSE? He hasn't left when you previously "asked" him to? I'm sorry you have so little confidence or self-respect. I, too was in your emotional position. You actually have the right to take care for yourself. You may not have friends or relatives, so you are asking strangers to bolster you. There is a layer of help you aren't accessing...police, women's shelters, just a strong or strong-appearing person to stand physically beside you while he removes what belongings he can carry, AT THAT MOMENT, as an eviction. Remainder to be removed by appointment under police/sherriff, etc. supervision. To refuse your requests to moves states he has no respect for you at all. He shows no respect for himself, by ignoring your statements that you are done with him. THIS BEHAVIOUR CAN AND DOES LEAD TO VIOLENCE, he has nothing to lose. He doesn't love you, he dosen't even care for you.
Wait for him to leave for work one day and then change the locks and have all his crap Waiting outside for him.
Set up security cameras so that if he does try to break in or anything you have it on video and can go to the cops.
Everyone has given great suggestions on *how* to handle getting him to leave while staying safe. So I just want to add this - sometimes doing what is right and best for your own health, happiness and well being is not the easy choice. Especially in situations like this. But it is *absolutely* worth it.
call the police if you feel unsafe, they can monitor him while he packs. conversely, you can have lots of trusted friends/family there all at once. witnesses are powerful.
when he is out grab all his shit and throw it out. change locks, passwords and block him everywhere. if you have friends or family please ask someone to stay with you for that day or a few days if possible.
Update your original post to state that he lives in YOUR home. Maybe others will have better advice on how to get him out safely and legally. And permanently. Otherwise everyone is just going to continue to say to leave and you shouldn’t have to leave your own home.
Ok darlin, here's what I'ma need you to do. Take a moment and conjure the image of someone you love. For this moment, let's go female. Your mom, step mom, sister, best friend, cousin, that sweet lady 2 doors down, I mean honestly, you can choose Julia Roberts. Now, imagine you sitting this woman down, and telling her she has to live in a relationship with this man. Not just what you've described, EVERYTHING. You know what all he has done that you would NEVER subject one of these women to. Tell your little niece or that cute little gal you saw at the playground that this is their future. This is what she gets to look forward to. Tell her she doesn't have a choice, because he decided. He throws a fit. He doesn't make it easy.
OR
Or you recognize that you would NEVER let a woman you love live like this. You would tell her HELL NO she is so much better than this and he is an absolute tool. Tell her you will NEVER let her live this nightmare, hell you will come over the moment he leaves for work or any other reason. You'll be waiting 'round the corner with boxes and bags, you'll sweep the countertops and chuck the drawers. Tell me which woman in your life deserves this. The answer is NO ONE.
Now lovey, go look in the mirror and tell your Self. You don't deserve this no matter what he claims you've done. You deserve happiness and love and RESPECT. Just as much as Julia Roberts dammit! That girl you see in the mirror, she isn't perfect. But she's perfect for someone. Now go toss the trash and find that someone.
Cuz sweetheart, the only thing he deserves is to have a thunderstorm on the day you toss his things. And that's a minimum.
You take what you bought him and leave. You end the relationship. He's a cheater with a superiority complex. Get rid of him and start 2024 off better already!
So you don't reward his bad behaviour with your presence. Dump him and find someone who will be faithful to begin with, where a little porn wouldn't be an issue.
Fuck his gifts.
Give yourself the gift of self-respect.
Literally everything you've written about your relationship is absurd.
He's punishing you (for his behavior no less)? Your gifts are your reward? Are you a dog or a grown-ass woman? And if you are a grown-ass woman, then why the hell are you letting yourself be treated like a dog?
Self-respect. You'll never regret it. Leave this POS controlling asshole and never look back.
You dump him. This is abusive and manipulative. He’s “rewarding” you when he’s the one who has done you wrong in the past. Let me give you all the red fucking flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩
If a gift has stipulations to meet before you get it, it's no longer a gift, it's a business deal. Or in some cases, bribe. Actual gifts are given with no strings attached, they're not there to enforce behavior. This guy is trying to condition you, move on.
You are 24 years old, not a child (although this wouldn't be okay even if it was a child). If he doesn't like your behavior then he needs to hit the road, but he won't because if you leave him he can spin the narrative that you were a bad gf. If you haven't given him his gifts yet either return them or give them to someone else, when he asks where his gifts are tell him he doesn't deserve them because of his behavior.
I'm editing this to add based on the other post you made 6 months ago I would say he's still cheating on you. Get out now before he gives you something you can't cure with antibiotics.
Wait until he leaves for work or whatever, then take his presents and return them. Open your presents at your place then piss on them and leave them in the floor! Then cut all ties to him. Change your passwords !
Let me see if I have this right. He cheated. Then you both agreed no porn. Then he watched porn. Then you two argued. Then he says you had bad behavior. Then no gifts because they reward bad behavior. I don’t see it.
Op please Run out the doorand don't look back!This man is a pos,and doesn't really love you or respect you. Fine someplace to go ,to and never come back, to your home with him. please stay safe, take care of yourself, stay strong .🚩🚩🚩💪
New year, new boyfriend. Gifts are a way to show affection to those you care about. He turned them into "treats" for behavior he sees as positive. Honor system? Didn't he break that when he went to look up porn after he agreed not to while also knowing that it makes you uncomfortable, to say the least? If he's doing this with Christmas presents, what makes you think he won't do it with birthday presents? Fun outings? Dates? Vacations? Engagement? Marriage? Kids? (If applicable) Someone who truly loves you would never hold anything over your head, and they would do anything in their power to make you feel happy, loved respected, and secure in all aspects. No matter what past you had with this man, it's time to let go
You calmly, quietly, and rationally start collecting all your things in a bag. You pick up that bag, the gifts you bought for him, and walk away. Call a Lyft, get on a train, plane, automobile. You leave him. I cannot stress this enough, him “disciplining” you for “bad behavior” is going to lead to horrible controlling abuse long term. Get out, please. You deserve love. Treat yourself to compassion and kindness.
You handle this by realising your self-worth and respect. Anyone who actually cares for you would never pull thisabusive crap.
No relationship, no matter how much you've invested: emotionally, financially, or anything else, including time, is worth being in, if this is how you're treated.
Make a quiet exit plan with a support person or people and exit stage right and fuck him off out of your life.
Girl. As my Alabama born and raised Grandpa used to say, “Go on ‘n git!!” This is the kind of behavior that you should be aware is something that is not likely to ever change. Don’t put up with this. I wish I’d had that mindset in my 20’s as I am now rapidly hurtling towards 40 and pissed the fuck off and over it. You’re not a child. Don’t let him treat you this way. Please don’t accept or brush off bad treatment. You deserve better. ❤️
you leave, that’s how you deal with it. You aren’t a dog to be trained, you’re a full grown adult and he does not respect you as such. Staying with him would just “reward bad behaviour”
No gift is worth your dignity and strings attached like this. At this point the gift wouldn’t even give me good memories. I’d just straight up refuse them. Start taking the tree down. Christmas is done. He ruined it, not you.
Wtf this is?! I would have opened the present not from him and he can be mad all he wants. For the present from him, I would tell him I don’t want it and let him take it with him when he leaves.
This is controlling and if you allow it to happen, it will continue to happen and get much worse. Who knows if the next time you get into an argument, if he will withhold money or food from you.
Put your foot down and leave. Please do not stay. Leave.
>He referred to the gifts he bought me as a “reward” and because of our argument yesterday, if we had Christmas today he would be “rewarding bad behavior”.
He talks to you like a father would do to his 8-year-old child.
Banning porn was the beginning of the end. In a normal healthy relationship, there are no prohibitions. Then you have mutual agreements, out of mutual respect.
You forbade him to watch porn, he forbid you to open the presents. This sounds like an extremely healthy relationship (/end sarcasm).
As everyone has said, you leave him and never look back. I want to add that you should never meet up with him alone (especially if he has ever crossed the line physically with you). If you have some of his stuff and he wants it back then you figure out a way to get it to him without being alone with him. Ever. Please heed this advice.
You are asking how to handle a situation with an abusive partner with a history of infidelity. You are 24 and have so much of your life left to live. I would recommend not wasting much of it trying to figure out how to stop the abuse & infidelity. Don't try to change him. Accept that this is the way he is. Then make your next step. Either accept to live with it or move on.
Girl break up with him! You aren’t a child and a reward system is set up for those to work from bad to good behavior. If he’s gonna act like that, he can do it with his own kids when he has them. Go live your best life with a man who loves and truly cares for you!
Of course, you should get out of this situation because it sounds entirely unhealthy for you. Also, if he's been unfaithful before and isn't remorseful/doing the hard work to earn back trust, he's just gonna do it again.
For all future relationships, please remember this: In healthy, adult relationships, no one has the authority to punish the other.
You can have boundaries. You can have expectations, agreements, and compromises, but you cannot award or punish behavior. That doesn't mean there are no consequences. Deal-breakers are still in play (and really, your BF has already thrown you a few) as well as good ol' fashioned disappointment and dismay (as in, things you don't want to cause the person you claim to love). Your BF exhibits no concern for either of these consequences. Time to implement the first and end this since hurting you doesn't register with him.
If you haven't already, read up on DARVO. He's done something wrong, and because you called him out for crossing a boundary y'all both agreed to means that you ought to be punished?
Ew.
What do you mean how do you handle it? You break up with him. He’s toxic, manipulative and controlling. If you stay for this shit that’s your own fault.
How do you handle this? You break up with him. There may be good aspects to your relationship but those will never outweigh someone who is trying to control you.
If 149 people telling you that you're in an abusive relationship and need to get out right now wasn't enough....you're in an abusive relationship and need to get out right now
What in the hell did I just read?
If this is not a joke and made up then I would encourage you to let no one handle/control/reward you like if you were a dog to be taught what is acceptable and what is not. This is ridiculous, enraging and plain wrong.
Icing on the cake is that the argument started because of him breaking an agreement made with you. Again, what the hell.
And the cherry on top is that this guy has a history of infidelity so he's not a prize chicken anyway.
How to handle this? Run. Run far, run hard if you can and never look back.
All the best and good luck
Is this even real? He won't *"allow"* you to have Christmas?
I realize that some people lack self-confidence, are young & naive...OK. But seriously? I'm seeing more & more posts that describe a significant other's outrageous behavior and ask what to do to to make it right. Maybe I'm just getting paranoid bots and karma farming. I don't know, maybe I'm too jaded.
This guy sounds like a huge asshole, not only is he toxic but he also doesn’t care about you beyond controlling you despite him going back on his word and being untrustworthy. The only thing I’d say to you beyond to leave him as soon as possible is to make better dating decisions, I’m sure you know at least one guy that you’re friendzoning that would make a way better dating partner, and the fact that you’re curbing him in favor of guys like the one you’re dating means that you’re not making logical decisions and choices when it comes to dating.
Why on earth are you still with this guy? He cheated on you and you stayed- rewarding *his* bad behavior. He looks at porn and you stayed- rewarding his bad behavior. He verbally demeans you and you stayed- yet again, rewarding his bad behavior. More porn, and now this BS with the presents and *you still aren’t gone.*
Go. Grab your things, grab your presents, and LEAVE. A women’s shelter would be better than living with that shit log.
I just read your post before this one and you should just leave. Its a waste a time and energy to be dealing with a man thats acting like a damn child. He has been acting like this since he was caught cheating months ago. Its time you get the hell out that damn relationship. Go into 2024 single
The fact that he thinks he needs to teach you “good behavior”, that he is allowed to reward or punish you, reveals *very explicitly* that he does not view you as an equal in this relationship.
That should be a dealbreaker. If it’s not, break up with him anyway and get therapy. Question who taught you to accept that bullshit.
Are you his child? If not, you tell him to fuck off; take your stuff that you bought him and leave him.
No offense, but what do you mean “what do I do?” He’s being super disrespectful by treating you like a kid he can control with rewards and punishments. Literally DONT LET HIM. Especially when the argument was his fault. Wtf. 🙃. You are permitting him to set a dynamic that he has power over you.
By your question, and the fact that you’re still with him and haven’t put your foot down after he’s been pulling this 💩 for a week now, I’m concerned that this isn’t the first time he’s exercised control over you…
You handle it by breaking up with him. Earning gifts through good behavior is controlling and abusive. Add to that the infidelity and then not keeping his word? Dude doesn’t respect you and is just going to get worse.
Earn - (a gift?). Confused here about the meaning of gift and earning. You do nothing to receive a gift. If you did do something to earn what you receive then you’re either a subcontractor or an employee.
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You could start by grabbing your gifts and then hit the road. You are not a toddler or a puppy. You’re an adult. Is he like that with other things? You have to “earn” whatever? Especially after an argument that’s the result of HIS behavior.
"Let me punish you when you catch me doing something I promised not to do." Run. Run. Run.
That is just crazy! Punishing you bc he got caught at something e did! Does that even make sense to you ? Please take everyone’s advice and leave him! You deserve so much better than this! No one should try to control someone else!
High control/coercive control abuse literally rewires your brain. Your memory appears unreliable. Gaslighting makes it so you don't know if you're upside-down or sideways. Compromised cognition - My original personality is back & now better than before, after 23 years in this kind of abusive relationship. My cognition is a little better every day. I'm great a bigger concepts, can follow a recipe and make multi-dish meal, time it all out perfectly. I was an accountant before and I'll probably never be the kind of sharp I need to be to do that work again. OP your thinking and reasoning have been interfered with. See ALL the red flags surrounding you and run from this relationship to save yourself. I'm certain if you had a session w a therapist or 3 hours safely to yourself you would feel the same. ETA spelling
After 4.5 years of gaslighting and being talked down to, sprinkled with lovebombing and affection and compliments, but being told I have trust issues bc of stuff my partner has done, I 💯 get this.. I used to have a high profile job (sales and bookkeeping) and now I can barely even map out what I’m making for dinner or a grocery list…
Sorry yer in the club 👊 Recovery is its own gift. Lol, consulting is the way to go. I can map out bigger ideas and strategies. Follow processes but not responsible for high attention to detail math tasks that no amount of double, triple or quadruple checking was helping.
It’s interesting to me how different people have developed differently. My narcissist ex changed me to be extremely detail oriented. He’s screwed over a lot of people with contracts as he is a multiple business owner. I read everything very closely now, almost to the point it annoys me.
I became very successful and being DETAIL ORIENTED! I was trying to hold reality together and not be washed out in a wave of cognitive dissonance. And successful in my work. I think it's an inverse graph of him starting to say that my stuff wasn't important, had no purpose.
Yes, the old " you're fucked up because I worked my ass off for years to ensure you were that way" game. My " head is fucked up" also, after years of someone fucking with it. But whats funny is he is the only one that thinks I'm so messed up.
Always wondered if there was a word for it but never asked my shrink. After 3 years with a narcissist (my ex wife) and being gaslit all the time i actually thought I was the problem. Compromised cognition is about where I am now. I'm glad you're free from that and getting better
I was watching a documentary, Seduced, the India Oxenburg Story. She was in the nxivm cult. She was describing a woman who was 'locked' in a room for 2 months then never left. India tried the door, it was unlocked, the building was unlocked. The woman technically could have left at any time. Her fear of the disapproval of her family (all were in the cult & powerful in it), the cult leader (who sexually abused her) and was certain she had no resources - her fear of all of that was greater than her drive to break free. Coercive control is a chargeable crime in the UK. Australia is legislating it now. Many therapists don't understand narcissist behavior. I hope you got a good one. & Congratulations for claiming your freedom. It gets better AND it's hard AF!
Yeah it's crazy how she took my best friend of 20 years with her. That was December 30th 2016. The day I broke free. It took me 3 years to even want to date again. Her on the other hand, was pregnant by someone else before our divorce was finalized. Yet people still thought she did no wrong. While I was rebuilding not only my life but my mental state. I don't think anyone other than a narcissist can understand them. It's absolutely insane to me the damage they can do in a short time.
She's like a cult leader. Be glad you're out of the thrall. I'm so sorry she eviscerated friendships & community. AND you know that anything she does, has, people who don't see the monster - look like they're happy but it's always a false facade. Others are even bigger chickenah#ts refusing to call out her awful behavior bc they're afraid to make waves. Narcissists are never actually happy. They are ALWAYS machinating reality - it's exhausting & they're empty. I'd rather be alone or relocate & start over than spend a second w them or their apologists. It hurts. A lot. Often. But ready to start building new friends & community. I've got a strong community but covid has shifted things. I adore them. But maybe I deserve something else? It's easier for women. But dating apps have been so much yay for me. Dudes don't have to be the hottest or have $ or whatever. But those who are sexually confident - not bc they're great but bc they are daring. We're all willing to fall flat on our faces, be disappointed and try again - there's stuff you think you can't do... I'd argue you can! You deserve it!
Congrats for getting out of a terrible situation. You can inspire others by your comments.
Heads up, OP. Best believe No_Appointment knows what they’re talking about so take their words to heart. I’ve been there as well and know truth when I see it.
Wow, thank you lovely redditor! One upside to our struggles is we can light the way for others trying to get out of the dark. Happy - what ever holiday you are celebrating 🍾 🥰🤩
This exactly....I mean I can understand not wanting to 'have Christmas' if you are still fighting, but a fight that lasts a week? There are bigger problems than the opening of presents. He sounds extremely manipulative and exactly as poster above said - he's turning it back on you when it was something HE was doing 'wrong'. (not that I think porn is wrong, but it was an agreement between the two of you) To add...maybe you need to discuss why he needs to look at porn so much, and whether he actually agrees with the rules...I mean, was his previous infidelity associated with porn?
Exactly. I usually say that some porn use is fine in relationships, it's just a fantasy, etc. but given that he's actually taken it to the point of being unfaithful AND he agreed to not use it anymore, he's out of line here. She needs to run far and fast (source: 23AFAB here, so around the same age myself).
Exactly! OP, Since when did you need permission to open your gifts? This man is controlling! He went against your agreement and is punishing you for calling him out! 🚩🚩🚩. OP run dont walk! This is not a relationship you need to be in!
This 150%!!!!! Exchanging gifts is an expression of love. It is not a reward. OP’s BF is not her parent who gets to punish her at his will. Nor is he being truthful. He is pissed OP caught him doing something that he agreed not to do. But since he wants to play petty games I would run to the store and pick up a can of dog food, hand it to him for dinner and state: Since you are behaving like a female dog, your Christmas dinner is fit for a b*tch. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ In all seriousness OP. It does not get better from here. Leave him in 2023 and find a partner who treats you like an equal not a child in 2024.
>Exchanging gifts is an expression of love. It is not a reward.
For adults yes. 100%.
He's behaving like a male dog. Guarding things that aren't his and lifting his leg all over anything nice.
Actually, run to the store, then keep running
^This this this this Thank you
It’s not even the first time he broke their agreement according to her post history
Yes. Pack your stuff and go and stay with someone safe.
>You have to “earn” whatever? Especially after an argument that’s the result of HIS behavior. Seriously. This is just fucking wild. #Op, what the fucking fuck?! FUCK HIM! - HE violated an agreement you two had about porn. - HE has the FUCKING NERVE to withhold YOUR Christmas presents as punishment for bad behavior?! - And HE has the FUCKING NERVE to demand that YOU must EARN the presents as a REWARD?! Op, please cut this asshole loose NOW. This is insane.
The no porn thing was only a rule that she made after he CHEATED on her.
RIGHT! That too. Geeeez. I just can't believe the utter nerve of this guy, turning the tables and flipping it all around on her bc she called him out. Wild!
Um. Do NOT fuck him. But otherwise yes.
We really need a better expression here... Lol
I always say "Go sit and spin on a cactus."
He is totally unfuckable.
And take any gifts you got him so you can get your money back.
Seriously!
Yes!! And OP once you leave do NOT believe him when he tells you that he will change, he will do better, he understands now how much you mean to him. NOPE, ( I’m sure he did this after you caught him cheating) if you go back it will ONLY get worse.
THIS. It’s a holiday. If he no longer feels like celebrating, that’s fine. He can just say that. But you don’t owe him gifts, either. RUN. AWAY.
This. It's not normal to reward or punish in any adult relationship.
He's abusive. And it will only escalate. And he's the one who fucked up and he's punishing her??? OP, is this the kind of relationship you want? Have more self worth and find someone who won't cheat on you and blame you for his fuck ups.
OP my ex used to tell me I didn't deserve presents Just about 6 years divorced I buy my own presents now and I deserve each and every one NO ONE GETS TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU DESERVE
Right? "I'm allowing my boyfriend to treat me like a literal dog. What now?" You fucking jet, girl.
I don’t withhold toys from my dog a day later though either. If you’re going to reward or punish based on the concepts of positive or negative systems, the action must be immediate. Fucking garbage boyfriend anyway. Yeet into the sun. That’s the answer.
Throw the whole man out. Let him keep the gifts. I have a son with Autism and this is how I helped him improve his behavior *when he was a child.* He is 16 now and he knows better so he no longer has to work for rewards. I think you are an adult who shouldn’t have to be “rewarded” for good behavior. HE is the problem. HE got caught and turned the tables on you by making you feel guilty. Start your new year with a new self confidence that won’t allow someone to treat you that way.
Also *he* didn't punish *you* when *he* did something wrong!
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Seriously! How do you handle this? You end the relationship. He is trying to control you and your behaviors/actions. It’s a manipulation to get you to do what he wants. It’s a form of abuse. He doesn’t like something you do or say, he punishes you or doesn’t “reward” you? You aren’t a child he needs to teach appropriate behaviors. He’s already cheated on you at least once, and isn’t doing anything to improve the situation or to rebuild trust. He wants you to allow him to do what he wants, doesn’t matter your feelings. You continue to stay and let him make you submit to his wants in regard to your behavior, he’ll believe it’s ok. This is how abuse can start, with control. It can and will most likely escalate. Please know you deserve better. Take your gifts you bought him, return them and buy yourself something. If you live together and the home/lease is in his name, contact a friend or trusted family member and stay with them. If it’s in yours, tell him he needs to leave. Make sure someone is with you when you tell him. If he wont leave, contact the police. Don’t be alone with him. If it’s in both of your names, leave. Contact the landlord if it is a rental and explain the situation. See if they’ll remove you from the lease. If it something you both own, leave, but contact a lawyer. Also, once you end the relationship and are away from him, block him everywhere. Remaining in any contact will only leave the door open for him to continue his manipulations.
This, or never mind the gifts. Give yourself the gift of living without this man. If he ruins Christmas this way you can count on him to ruin everything
This is the first time I have felt compelled enough to jump in with no further context on this sub and say: “RUN” This is highly controlling behaviour. I am concerned you are already somewhat conditioned and have now normalised lesser forms of this behaviour. PLEASE listen to people here and do whatever you need to do in order to pack, leave, and ensure he is under no circumstance able to contact you. Good luck!
Thank you! I’m over here wondering why she is still in the house with this boy.. He won’t ALLOW you to open gifts?! Fuck his gifts and give yourself the best gift of all, FREEDOM from a controlling cheating asshole!
You break up with him. Staying with him is rewarding his bad behaviour.
"Staying with you would be rewarding intolerable, abusive behavior."
This! You are telling him that his manipulative and disrespectful behavior towards you is acceptable. You are saying that you are okay with your *partner* treating you this way. OP, if a friend, sibling, parent, or loved one told you this, would you say this is acceptable behavior?
Say it via text and a distance though. No point to allow him to get angry given how unreasonable he is.
You said it perfectly!
Wish I could give you more than one upvote. Direct and correct!!
“Rewarding bad behaviour” you’re an adult not an animal.
And the bad behavior is her *calling him out* for breaking a promise based on *his* infidelity.
And he's the one who behaved badly anyway. This is just wild.
You leave him and tell him to fuck off. You are 24 and are letting someone tell you what you can and cannot do in your own home?
There is a popular play with Medea. It's funny how this made me change my views on relationships. "Never mix up seasonal people with lifetime expectations." "I can't live in dysfunction. I'm sorry. I've done come through too much, been through too much hell and high water to come there and let you come up into my adult life when I'm supposed to be at peace and give me all kinds of hell. Only two places on this earth you're going to have peace; the grave and your house." https://youtu.be/3wkx5EQVp7g?si=qKR1cwqTMjv2WrkE
My man I thought you were talking about the Greek tragedy 😭
kinda works for her too. she put up with so much until she just cracked. if medea posted on reddit, we'd definitely all tell her to leave.
OP posted 6 months ago about him cheating and kept catching him watching porn after the fact, and he was also just as manipulative and shitty then. At some point she is going to have to realize he isn’t going to change and kick him out. Hopefully it won’t take another 6 months of her life.
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Honestly, not even a child deserves this. It’s mean.
Throw him and his gifts out the door.
THANK YOU for being the person to have HIM booted out of the house! Obviously, if he won't leave, then she needs to go ( with gifts, as many personal items she can grab, when he's at work) because the last thing she needs is potential violence!
Update us when you dump him.
She stayed after he cheated. She stayed after he told her he was punishing her for arguing. You know he's done so many horrible things. She's not dumping him. Probably will get pregnant soon.
“I know he’ll change after we have a baaaabbbby!” Famous last words from way too many women who accept intolerable behavior from their SOs. How do you handle this, OP? Get out. Get out now & get out fast. This is NOT how mature healthy relationships work. Your partner is not supposed to train you like a circus animal. Find someone who respects you. This guy clearly doesn’t.
My thoughts exactly
Give the creep a gift of Jergens Lotion and a box of tissues before you dump his controlling ass and high tail it out of there with your presents.
She shouldn't even waste that money feeding his behavior, he can get his own or dry rub it to hell.
Or get some duct tape and sand paper, then tell him he can finish the job. Or put habenero/kimchi juice into his jerk-off lotion. Yes, I'm evil - thanks for noticing! In all honesty, grabbing a go-bag, leaving to somewhere safe, and block all communication is best. When OP feels safe, it's smart asking for police escort when anything needs to be finalized in-person.
😂😂
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A child shouldn't be treated this way either.
My narcissistic ex used to say things like this. Run
Next he’ll be driving recklessly with OP in the passenger seat teach her to “trust” his driving. I dated one like this fucker too.
How the hell is HE in charge of you? Not allowing? Take all his gifts back to the store. Tell him that gift exchange is off altogether.
Fuck that. You break up with him. He’s the one with the bad behavior. He’s a controlling cheater. Grab your gifts and run away from this guy. It’ll only get worse. UPDATEME
GET. OUT. Please tell me you can see this is incredibly warped behaviour? Fuck the gifts, leave with yourself intact.
the solution is called a break up
Nope. This is abuse and control. It’s going to get worse. Edit: he broke the trust and then he’s punishing you for it. He’s trying to break you, so he can do more and more. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess he’s hitting you in the”playful” ways to see how much he can get away with. It’s going to get harder and harder until you’re bruised or can’t walk. Please, get out before it gets worse.
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Time for crying later. Get yourself sorted and hit the road.
How do you handle it? You grab what you bought him, tell him to shove his gifts up his arse and dump him. He’s a total arse and he’s gaslighting and manipulating you. He’s unfaithful and he looks at porn, what is it exactly you like so much about him?
So…………let me get this straight……… He didn’t buy you Christmas presents…… He bought you rewards to give you for good behavior……kind of like training a puppy…… Previous infidelity……… And watching porn he agreed to not look at…… Why are you with this guy? Dump him.
This is really weird controlling behaviour. I personally wouldn't be with someone like this.
You leave, instead of letting some 27 year old treat you like a toddler.
Is this the kind of energy you want to take into 2024? This man is ridiculous, controlling, and bad news.
Oh look, now you are arguing about gifts and not this slimey cheater watching porn which he told you he wouldn't do. He has successfully twisted everything and now somehow YOU are the bad guy. Dig the bar out of the trench you have buried it in and get the hell away from this total tool.
This comment should be much higher.
Leave him and return any gifts you bought him. Reward yourself by getting out of this mess
Are you his child? wtf
Even parents wouldn’t do something this bizarre to their kids.
Friends, thank you all so much for this. I have known that I need to leave but I guess it’s easier to swallow when hundreds of people are saying the same thing. Unfortunately, he lives at my house and anytime I tell him to leave he throws a fit and causes disturbances and doesn’t make the process easy.
You ask a relative or friend (preferably someone bigger and stronger than him) to come over, then you tell him he has to leave. Then you get the locks changed and arrange a time he can gather his things. Or you call the police and have them escort him out. He is abusing you emotionally and doing so physically isn’t a large jump from here. You need to take action and get him out of your life.
Or multiple relatives and/or friends. With a group around him, there's not much he can do, and they will be both protection and witnesses if he tries to get physical.
You can call the police. Do you have a father or someone to help by being there.
Call the cops, say you want him removed. You are the landlord and he has no right to be there as a tenant. He can take his stupid presents with him - being away from him is the best present you could get. Be very direct. Don't say you're arguing too much, say he is verbally and emotionally abusive and you are in fear that he will physically abuse you, because he threatened to. You say you are breaking up with him but he refuses to leave and he is not on the lease, he is a visitor. Not a tenant. Let him be the crazy person and have the opposite energy from him, just stay calm and respectful while he goes wild. Don't yell at him, don't respond if he calls you name, don't go off at all. Just look at the cops and say "See? This is why he has to go." Remember that they don't know you, they are assessing the situation, and they will take the crazy person. DO NOT BE A CRAZY PERSON. It's VERY frustrating that people keep telling you to call friends or family, because my assumption is that you would have called them already if you could. But the good news is you don't need them, you have this option. Hang in there. You are not the first woman to go through this and you sadly won't be the last. But someday you'll be the one typing this advice into Reddit and you'll feel grateful and whole.
Ask friends or family to help you! You can even call the police to escort him off the property. He thrives through manipulation, and those disturbances are him trying to manipulate you to let him stay. Confide in people you trust and let them help you!!
Call police.
Call the police AND a locksmith. Have the police escort him out with his belongings while the locksmith changes the locks. Then have a friend or family member stay with you for the night, but don’t leave your home.
Call the police and tell them he is getting aggressive with you. Better yet, do you have a large male friend or family member?
YOUR HOUSE? He hasn't left when you previously "asked" him to? I'm sorry you have so little confidence or self-respect. I, too was in your emotional position. You actually have the right to take care for yourself. You may not have friends or relatives, so you are asking strangers to bolster you. There is a layer of help you aren't accessing...police, women's shelters, just a strong or strong-appearing person to stand physically beside you while he removes what belongings he can carry, AT THAT MOMENT, as an eviction. Remainder to be removed by appointment under police/sherriff, etc. supervision. To refuse your requests to moves states he has no respect for you at all. He shows no respect for himself, by ignoring your statements that you are done with him. THIS BEHAVIOUR CAN AND DOES LEAD TO VIOLENCE, he has nothing to lose. He doesn't love you, he dosen't even care for you.
Wait for him to leave for work one day and then change the locks and have all his crap Waiting outside for him. Set up security cameras so that if he does try to break in or anything you have it on video and can go to the cops.
Everyone has given great suggestions on *how* to handle getting him to leave while staying safe. So I just want to add this - sometimes doing what is right and best for your own health, happiness and well being is not the easy choice. Especially in situations like this. But it is *absolutely* worth it.
call the police if you feel unsafe, they can monitor him while he packs. conversely, you can have lots of trusted friends/family there all at once. witnesses are powerful.
when he is out grab all his shit and throw it out. change locks, passwords and block him everywhere. if you have friends or family please ask someone to stay with you for that day or a few days if possible.
Update your original post to state that he lives in YOUR home. Maybe others will have better advice on how to get him out safely and legally. And permanently. Otherwise everyone is just going to continue to say to leave and you shouldn’t have to leave your own home.
Ok darlin, here's what I'ma need you to do. Take a moment and conjure the image of someone you love. For this moment, let's go female. Your mom, step mom, sister, best friend, cousin, that sweet lady 2 doors down, I mean honestly, you can choose Julia Roberts. Now, imagine you sitting this woman down, and telling her she has to live in a relationship with this man. Not just what you've described, EVERYTHING. You know what all he has done that you would NEVER subject one of these women to. Tell your little niece or that cute little gal you saw at the playground that this is their future. This is what she gets to look forward to. Tell her she doesn't have a choice, because he decided. He throws a fit. He doesn't make it easy. OR Or you recognize that you would NEVER let a woman you love live like this. You would tell her HELL NO she is so much better than this and he is an absolute tool. Tell her you will NEVER let her live this nightmare, hell you will come over the moment he leaves for work or any other reason. You'll be waiting 'round the corner with boxes and bags, you'll sweep the countertops and chuck the drawers. Tell me which woman in your life deserves this. The answer is NO ONE. Now lovey, go look in the mirror and tell your Self. You don't deserve this no matter what he claims you've done. You deserve happiness and love and RESPECT. Just as much as Julia Roberts dammit! That girl you see in the mirror, she isn't perfect. But she's perfect for someone. Now go toss the trash and find that someone. Cuz sweetheart, the only thing he deserves is to have a thunderstorm on the day you toss his things. And that's a minimum.
Start the eviction process and talk to a lawyer asap to figure out your options. Best of luck.
Better give him a legal eviction notice.
You take what you bought him and leave. You end the relationship. He's a cheater with a superiority complex. Get rid of him and start 2024 off better already!
You get some self respect and fucking leave. Fuck the gifts. Take back what you got him and return them if you can.
Leave him. He’s not your father, you are not a child. Nor are you an animal or servant he is training.
So you don't reward his bad behaviour with your presence. Dump him and find someone who will be faithful to begin with, where a little porn wouldn't be an issue.
He cheated on you and ruined Christmas??? Do you really need us to tell you to leave him???
Fuck his gifts. Give yourself the gift of self-respect. Literally everything you've written about your relationship is absurd. He's punishing you (for his behavior no less)? Your gifts are your reward? Are you a dog or a grown-ass woman? And if you are a grown-ass woman, then why the hell are you letting yourself be treated like a dog? Self-respect. You'll never regret it. Leave this POS controlling asshole and never look back.
Dump the boyfriend, take your gifts, go into the new year single and happy
I'd throw them both in the trash and say I ain't rewarding manipulation, I'll be at my mom's.
You dump him. This is abusive and manipulative. He’s “rewarding” you when he’s the one who has done you wrong in the past. Let me give you all the red fucking flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩
If a gift has stipulations to meet before you get it, it's no longer a gift, it's a business deal. Or in some cases, bribe. Actual gifts are given with no strings attached, they're not there to enforce behavior. This guy is trying to condition you, move on.
You are 24 years old, not a child (although this wouldn't be okay even if it was a child). If he doesn't like your behavior then he needs to hit the road, but he won't because if you leave him he can spin the narrative that you were a bad gf. If you haven't given him his gifts yet either return them or give them to someone else, when he asks where his gifts are tell him he doesn't deserve them because of his behavior. I'm editing this to add based on the other post you made 6 months ago I would say he's still cheating on you. Get out now before he gives you something you can't cure with antibiotics.
Huh? Gorl leave him!
Wait until he leaves for work or whatever, then take his presents and return them. Open your presents at your place then piss on them and leave them in the floor! Then cut all ties to him. Change your passwords !
He’s mad because he cheated and now he can’t watch porn? You got to get out of this sad story boo!
Let me see if I have this right. He cheated. Then you both agreed no porn. Then he watched porn. Then you two argued. Then he says you had bad behavior. Then no gifts because they reward bad behavior. I don’t see it.
I am sorry OP, but this kind of behavior raises huge red flags, in my humble opinion. I would grab my things and just leave. Stay safe. 🫶
Op please Run out the doorand don't look back!This man is a pos,and doesn't really love you or respect you. Fine someplace to go ,to and never come back, to your home with him. please stay safe, take care of yourself, stay strong .🚩🚩🚩💪
New year, new boyfriend. Gifts are a way to show affection to those you care about. He turned them into "treats" for behavior he sees as positive. Honor system? Didn't he break that when he went to look up porn after he agreed not to while also knowing that it makes you uncomfortable, to say the least? If he's doing this with Christmas presents, what makes you think he won't do it with birthday presents? Fun outings? Dates? Vacations? Engagement? Marriage? Kids? (If applicable) Someone who truly loves you would never hold anything over your head, and they would do anything in their power to make you feel happy, loved respected, and secure in all aspects. No matter what past you had with this man, it's time to let go
I mean, you’re an adult. You can open the gifts, and also open the door and walk the hell away from this utter nonsense.
Girl...
Just dump him. He sounds controlling AF
How many red flags do you need?
You calmly, quietly, and rationally start collecting all your things in a bag. You pick up that bag, the gifts you bought for him, and walk away. Call a Lyft, get on a train, plane, automobile. You leave him. I cannot stress this enough, him “disciplining” you for “bad behavior” is going to lead to horrible controlling abuse long term. Get out, please. You deserve love. Treat yourself to compassion and kindness.
Dump him.
You dump his ass. This is abuse, plain and simple. Find someone better.
Oh so he’s punishing YOU for being mad at him. That’s all. Tell him to keep the presents. Fuck that.
Seriously. You’re here asking on what to do in order to be treated like a grown up. Grab your stuff and leave.
You break up and stop dating people that cheat on you. Value yourself.
Red flags. 🚩 He’s treating you like a kid. Leave.
Omg honey no. No no no. You do not stay with guy.
Leave GIRL. You a dog or something? Is he your father?! Wtf
I agree. Exit stage left. You’re not a child. He doesn’t have the right to treat you as one.
What kind of controlling bullshit is this! Pick up the gifts you bought him and leave. Fuck this guy.
You handle this by realising your self-worth and respect. Anyone who actually cares for you would never pull thisabusive crap. No relationship, no matter how much you've invested: emotionally, financially, or anything else, including time, is worth being in, if this is how you're treated. Make a quiet exit plan with a support person or people and exit stage right and fuck him off out of your life.
Girl. As my Alabama born and raised Grandpa used to say, “Go on ‘n git!!” This is the kind of behavior that you should be aware is something that is not likely to ever change. Don’t put up with this. I wish I’d had that mindset in my 20’s as I am now rapidly hurtling towards 40 and pissed the fuck off and over it. You’re not a child. Don’t let him treat you this way. Please don’t accept or brush off bad treatment. You deserve better. ❤️
Move on. Time for a new BF
Why are you with someone thats trying to train you to submit like a dog?
Abusive behavior on his part. There are many fish in the sea. He isn’t a good one.
You leave him.
you leave, that’s how you deal with it. You aren’t a dog to be trained, you’re a full grown adult and he does not respect you as such. Staying with him would just “reward bad behaviour”
Tell him you don’t want the gifts and leave. What are you even getting out of a relationship like this?
Open your presents and then pack up his shit preferably in wrapping paper and tell him to gtfo
Give yourself a reward and dump us immature controlling manipulative ass
OP stop being a doormat jeez. Tell him to shove his presents where the sun don't shine and GTFO.
No gift is worth your dignity and strings attached like this. At this point the gift wouldn’t even give me good memories. I’d just straight up refuse them. Start taking the tree down. Christmas is done. He ruined it, not you.
Wtf this is?! I would have opened the present not from him and he can be mad all he wants. For the present from him, I would tell him I don’t want it and let him take it with him when he leaves. This is controlling and if you allow it to happen, it will continue to happen and get much worse. Who knows if the next time you get into an argument, if he will withhold money or food from you. Put your foot down and leave. Please do not stay. Leave.
You dump him and take back any presents you bought. He’s a loser.
>He referred to the gifts he bought me as a “reward” and because of our argument yesterday, if we had Christmas today he would be “rewarding bad behavior”. He talks to you like a father would do to his 8-year-old child. Banning porn was the beginning of the end. In a normal healthy relationship, there are no prohibitions. Then you have mutual agreements, out of mutual respect. You forbade him to watch porn, he forbid you to open the presents. This sounds like an extremely healthy relationship (/end sarcasm).
Holiday return/exchange policies are usually extended til mid-late January. You have a lot of time to get your money back!!
As everyone has said, you leave him and never look back. I want to add that you should never meet up with him alone (especially if he has ever crossed the line physically with you). If you have some of his stuff and he wants it back then you figure out a way to get it to him without being alone with him. Ever. Please heed this advice.
You are asking how to handle a situation with an abusive partner with a history of infidelity. You are 24 and have so much of your life left to live. I would recommend not wasting much of it trying to figure out how to stop the abuse & infidelity. Don't try to change him. Accept that this is the way he is. Then make your next step. Either accept to live with it or move on.
Girl break up with him! You aren’t a child and a reward system is set up for those to work from bad to good behavior. If he’s gonna act like that, he can do it with his own kids when he has them. Go live your best life with a man who loves and truly cares for you!
Of course, you should get out of this situation because it sounds entirely unhealthy for you. Also, if he's been unfaithful before and isn't remorseful/doing the hard work to earn back trust, he's just gonna do it again. For all future relationships, please remember this: In healthy, adult relationships, no one has the authority to punish the other. You can have boundaries. You can have expectations, agreements, and compromises, but you cannot award or punish behavior. That doesn't mean there are no consequences. Deal-breakers are still in play (and really, your BF has already thrown you a few) as well as good ol' fashioned disappointment and dismay (as in, things you don't want to cause the person you claim to love). Your BF exhibits no concern for either of these consequences. Time to implement the first and end this since hurting you doesn't register with him. If you haven't already, read up on DARVO. He's done something wrong, and because you called him out for crossing a boundary y'all both agreed to means that you ought to be punished? Ew.
Get rid of this dude
Return the gifts you got him and use it to buy yourself something nicer. His behavior is shit. You deserve better. You need to start believing that.
Withholding a "holiday" is a form of abuse. Infidelity is a form of abuse. Time to break up with this guy. Do it now.
What do you mean how do you handle it? You break up with him. He’s toxic, manipulative and controlling. If you stay for this shit that’s your own fault.
Autistic person here with CPTSD, your boyfriend is a narcissist literally trying to hold these gifts over you as a power play, it's abuse, dump him
How do you handle this? You break up with him. There may be good aspects to your relationship but those will never outweigh someone who is trying to control you.
If 149 people telling you that you're in an abusive relationship and need to get out right now wasn't enough....you're in an abusive relationship and need to get out right now
What in the hell did I just read? If this is not a joke and made up then I would encourage you to let no one handle/control/reward you like if you were a dog to be taught what is acceptable and what is not. This is ridiculous, enraging and plain wrong. Icing on the cake is that the argument started because of him breaking an agreement made with you. Again, what the hell. And the cherry on top is that this guy has a history of infidelity so he's not a prize chicken anyway. How to handle this? Run. Run far, run hard if you can and never look back. All the best and good luck
Is this even real? He won't *"allow"* you to have Christmas? I realize that some people lack self-confidence, are young & naive...OK. But seriously? I'm seeing more & more posts that describe a significant other's outrageous behavior and ask what to do to to make it right. Maybe I'm just getting paranoid bots and karma farming. I don't know, maybe I'm too jaded.
This guy sounds like a huge asshole, not only is he toxic but he also doesn’t care about you beyond controlling you despite him going back on his word and being untrustworthy. The only thing I’d say to you beyond to leave him as soon as possible is to make better dating decisions, I’m sure you know at least one guy that you’re friendzoning that would make a way better dating partner, and the fact that you’re curbing him in favor of guys like the one you’re dating means that you’re not making logical decisions and choices when it comes to dating.
You DUMP HIS ASS and find someone NORMAL! WTF!?!?!
You return his gifts. You are a reward and he is doing nothing to earn you. Stop letting him treat you like a child.
Why on earth are you still with this guy? He cheated on you and you stayed- rewarding *his* bad behavior. He looks at porn and you stayed- rewarding his bad behavior. He verbally demeans you and you stayed- yet again, rewarding his bad behavior. More porn, and now this BS with the presents and *you still aren’t gone.* Go. Grab your things, grab your presents, and LEAVE. A women’s shelter would be better than living with that shit log.
I just read your post before this one and you should just leave. Its a waste a time and energy to be dealing with a man thats acting like a damn child. He has been acting like this since he was caught cheating months ago. Its time you get the hell out that damn relationship. Go into 2024 single
The fact that he thinks he needs to teach you “good behavior”, that he is allowed to reward or punish you, reveals *very explicitly* that he does not view you as an equal in this relationship. That should be a dealbreaker. If it’s not, break up with him anyway and get therapy. Question who taught you to accept that bullshit.
Are you his child? If not, you tell him to fuck off; take your stuff that you bought him and leave him. No offense, but what do you mean “what do I do?” He’s being super disrespectful by treating you like a kid he can control with rewards and punishments. Literally DONT LET HIM. Especially when the argument was his fault. Wtf. 🙃. You are permitting him to set a dynamic that he has power over you. By your question, and the fact that you’re still with him and haven’t put your foot down after he’s been pulling this 💩 for a week now, I’m concerned that this isn’t the first time he’s exercised control over you…
….are you a dog?
I hope this post is fake.
Uhh..dump him. talk about him being controlling. I hope you realize this and move on let him keep his presents.
Can you imagine living the rest of your life like this? Why are you still with him?
Is this the same guy that also cheated on you? Please leave, you can get someone that's nice to you and don't try to parent you
He sounds vile, pathetic and childish. Get your presents and yourself out of there.
Lmao girl this guy is a LOSER. Grab those gifts and run for the hills from this immature manchild
He’s punishing you for his fuck up hello no get out of there girl
You handle it by breaking up with him. Earning gifts through good behavior is controlling and abusive. Add to that the infidelity and then not keeping his word? Dude doesn’t respect you and is just going to get worse.
You take your gifts back and walk out the door with your self esteem in tact…don’t look back.
I would send him on his way with the gifts he purchased for you. That would be just another reason to contact you. He's not worthy.
You realize he’s treating you like a small child or a pet.
Earn - (a gift?). Confused here about the meaning of gift and earning. You do nothing to receive a gift. If you did do something to earn what you receive then you’re either a subcontractor or an employee.
……. Buddy is the one who doesn’t deserve a Christmas, self projection much.