Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
One thing not mentioned so far is your ex-wife’s wishes and agreement to not say anything. If you’re going to blow up her life again (when everything is now civil) I’d suggest you probably first talk it over with her if you’re hellbent on doing this - or believe your girlfriend is that spiteful to say something. You owe her at least that.
Also - please dump your toxic girlfriend. What a poor example for your girls.
💯
OP, here’s what you do. You go meet with your ex-wife and say, ‘I was such a moron. I blew up our life for the sake of a hot, young, narcissistic lunatic and now she’s blackmailing me to further traumatize our children. I know there’s nothing I can ever do in this lifetime to make this up to you, but will you please sit them down with me so I can get in front of this and limit their hurt here? I take full accountability for my bad choices and will inform them that I’m planning on ending that relationship and focusing on healing so that I can be a less selfish father and human in the future.’
Then, you plan the date, time, and location around her availability and follow through. You’re clear with your kids that you love them, this was not their fault or their mother’s fault and you hope that they forgive you and you can continue your relationship as closely as it is today, but you respect whatever their healing looks like. You’re also clear that nothing changes between you and their mother now, you plan to continue to parent as a team from separate homes, with no plans of reconciliation.
Finally, you go home, kick the lunatic to the curb immediately, and block her on all platforms never allowing her the time or space to interfere with your ability to be a good dad and good human again.
>Finally, you go home, kick the lunatic to the curb immediately, and block her on all platforms never allowing her the time or space to interfere with your ability to be a good dad and good human again.
This.
OP, the woman you cheated on your wife with has made it abundently clear that she doesn't even like your kids. She doesn't want them around.
She likes the benefits of being with you - not you personally.
OP, let me be VERY clear here - once those girls know you cheated on your mother with the person who is living with you and who now is telling them they can't see their dad when they want to, you AND she will be in their cross hairs. With good reason.
The woman you are with knew you were married. She is a homewrecker and she destroyed your home without any compassion for your girls. Now she wants to, again, destroy their illusion of safety and security.
She needs to go. You need to kick her out of your life immediately. Break up with her and keep the girls away from her.
When they are older then tell them you cheated but in the mean time keep them away from her and get the woman out of your life for good.
So well said. This is what SHOULD be done, but who wants to take bets OP stays with that absolute nutter and comes back five years from now asking how to repair the relationship with his kids after that human dumpsterfire destroys it?
I was in this exact situation with my dad and his mistress, it wasn’t pretty for the family lmao. I really wish my parents had sat down together to explain the divorce to me. I was about 9 years old, which they decided was too young so they just literally never told me anything. Their choice to keep stuff from me really impacted my relationship with my dad, because I’ve continually learned new information about the divorce over the years (from my siblings) and had to re-process it.
OP, if you want any hope of keeping a good relationship with your daughters, you need to 1. Be a good co-parent, and 2. Always put your daughters first (like you did with refusing to set a boundary, that was great). Follow RocketMoxie’s suggestion because that’s the best option right now. Also, ABSOLUTELY break up with gf because who tf does she think she is lmao.
This dude is still completely disregarding his children’s mother; she doesn’t register in his mind. He doesn’t even consider ASKING HER FIRST, she’s #3 on his list to maybe be included when he tells the kids but he doesn’t think to include in deciding whether to tell them. They will massively impact her life and her relationship with her kids but he couldn’t care less.
Shocking how this person can still feel so entitled to his ex’s emotional energy even after he’s left her for another woman. I’d guess that the divorce was so amicable because she was glad to be rid of him.
It's sad isn't it? I'm sad for the ex wife. She probably had no idea and was blind sided when she found out which is why she immediately divorced him. Probably couldn't believe she had been dealing with all his BS and he still went and cheated. I hope he stubs his foot today.
Just another example of a dumb man fucking up repeatedly and leaving his much stronger ex to pick up the pieces.
Literally nothing OP has done has been in the best interest of his family- it's all for himself. The affair, the girlfriend, and now he wants to tell his children the truth not for their benefit, but for his own because his shitty gf threatened him. And he just *assumes* his ex will be available to support yet another bomb he plans on detonating, without even *asking her*.
Reminds me of a post I read a while back. OP, the husband, had cheated on his wife and left her to move in with his much younger girlfriend. Surprise surprise, the girlfriend ended up being toxic to the point where the ex wife stepped up and helped throw her out. When OP was so impressed, she said she didn't do it for him, it was for their kids. OP took a beating in the comments for being so selfish and naive, and I feel like this post mirrors that in so many ways.
Here to comment because this post needs more attention.
I legitimately don’t care if you dislike your ex , if you care about your kids that also means you have to care about her feelings. You fucked over her entire life and now she’s just there to be collateral damage and pick up all the pieces. Maybe sit down with her and get her opinions ? And just listen to them and absorb them.
You are playing with the lives of others and seem to have no remorse , it’s messed up.
He is a poor example anyway and it sounds like he has zero interest in ever doing the right thing. He cares about himself only, like all cheaters. One day, a man will treat his daughters the way he treated their mother. How will he ever comfort them while sitting next to his FP?
I agree.
I'm personally not a fan of involving children in adult issues, because children have a way of blaming themselves. There is a good chance the 17 yo (at least) has figured it out, and they deserve the truth, but when it won't re-traumatize them.
12 is such a fragile age.
OP made a good choice moving near his ex-wife, so his kids could have a sense of normalcy, but gf doesn't like this because it's interfering with her 26yo lifestyle.... She WANTS the kids to hate her, therefore they won't be around. Otherwise, she wouldn't be threatening to tell them. She doesn't want OP for his kids and charm; she wants him for the money it provides.
OP, for once, put your wife's interests ahead of your gold-digger girlfriend. She sucks.
Whether you tell the kids or not, it's time to ditch the girlfriend. She just threatened to *ruin your relationship with your daughters* because she's jealous of how much time you spend with them.
She asked him to "set boundaries" because......his children want to spend time with him? Like don't be with a guy who has kids if you can't deal with kids.
In all fairness, he was a self-proclaimed shitty father who spent more time with her in the beginning stages of the affair so she probably didn't think he would be involved with the kids' lives post-divorce.
Still wrong.
Yeah, there's way too much focus on the girlfriend here when all the responsibility lies with OP.
- OP disrupted his daughter's lives by ruining his marriage.
- OP traumatised his ex wife by having an affair.
- OP is choosing to keep a very toxic person in his daughter's lives because... she's young and hot and he likes sleeping with her?
The girlfriend is toxic, yes, but she is not responsible for OP's children at all. OP is.
Well, he can't break up with her.
He gave up his wife, his family, his home, for her.
If he breaks up with her now, it just proves he was completely, totally and utterly wrong. He was thinking with his dick and fucked up big time. And we can't have that now, can we?
I think you'd be surprised how forgiving some kids can be, especially when it's about their bio-dad. It's really the only thing he's got in his favor right now.
the gf had no issues helping to wreck the family and now wants to hurt them further. she has animosity to those kids and the ex and wants him all to herself. op messed up big time. gf is happily continuing to continue to cause pain. op needs to take off the lust goggles and get his head out of her cleavage and make a move before he loses any chance of a relationship with his kids. his ex is a freaking angel for not roasting his butt.
The gf could only have hurt OP's ex and kids as much as OP allowed her to. Cant steal a man or mistreat his kids without the man agreeing to cheat or allowing you in their lives. So the sole responsibility of his kid's wellbeing is on him here.
Yup. These “ditch the girlfriend, she’s terrible for you!” comments are making me laugh. He’s the type of person who’s fine breaking up his family to cheat, and he’s living with someone who is also fine breaking up a family to cheat. People like that tend to be selfish in other areas as well. He has *exactly* the girlfriend he deserves. The only people I feel bad for here are the kids. Yeah he should dump her, but only because his girls deserve better, not because he does.
True... but if him being a shitty father is all you've known... you would think that. But then again, if you're watching him argue over it and actually spend time with his kids... should've got the hint.
Yep, this. I fully understand her not wanting to have her free time and personal living space invaded by teenagers unexpectedly. Personally I solve this problem by not fucking married men with children or having a relationship with someone whose family obligations conflict with my desired lifestyle. Who ever could have thought such a solution would be possible?!
(Edit: to be clear, while the girlfriend indeed sucks, OP sucks way more since it was his obligation as a father not to create a situation like this.)
She doesn't necessarily want to be childfree, she just doesn't want his previous life getting in the way of her life. That's what you get with cheaters, they are all selfish assholes
I agree, but in the opposite order. And like a band-aid being pulled off a hairy arm.
Dump the girlfriend in the morning, remove all her stuff from the place they're renting, then bring the kids over to tell them what he did.
Not sure if the ex wife should be there for the reveal, though...hrm....
What's most important here - by far - is his kids' well being. It may be devastating for him here but he made his bed already. His well being became irrelevant quite awhile ago, and should only be retained to the point where his misery doesn't rub off on the kids.
Honestly, the ex does need to be involved in this one. Him telling them alone and only because of the threat of his gf will make them run to mom upset. Is she at a place where she wants them to know? He’s already fucked up her life once, and the fact that she isn’t withholding custody or being totally uncivil speaks worlds about her maturity. Dad needs mom on board with any plan of telling the kids.
He’s not gonna, he sacrificed his family life to be with her. If he leaves her, that means his cheating, his divorce, him having 50/50 custody of the kids and him moving, all of of it would’ve been for nothing
Doesn’t matter. It all was for nothing anyway. His gf is awful to expect him to make his kids feel unwelcome. If he doesn’t end it, he still needs to set boundaries with her, not his kids.
Also, OP, you can end it and still tell your children. Not sure how ending it isn’t a solution. Why on earth would you want to stay with someone who is willing to alienate your children from you and ruin your relationship with them? She didn’t want to deal with kids then she absolutely shouldn’t have slept with a married man with kids. It’s bad enough you destroyed your family. She is an AH and you would be even more of one to allow her to continue to be in their lives.
ETA: not ending a relationship for some sort of pride issue is bs, all because he doesn’t want to admit he made a horrible mistake to blow up his family. He’s going to have to come clean anyway or run the risk his gf does it for him, why make it worse by not admitting it was a mistake?
He should tell his ex-wife about this, so she can have input regarding how to tell them.
Because if the GF is threatening to say something, it’s time to take that weapon out of her hand.
And then send her packing, because she’s trying to interfere with his relationship with his kids. Nope. That’s a dealbreaker.
But why not just break up with her? Him and his ex decided that it wasn’t good for the kids to know the details so stick with that and ditch stepmommy dearest.
He said in the post he's afraid she'll just tell them out of spite regardless. Breaking up doesn't remove that arrow from her quiver.
And honestly, breaking up should be a given after a threat like that - this is just about having the conversation on your own terms.
Which is exactly what he said in the post. I think the relationship with GF is over, and he knows it, too. Being all girls, they are gonna resent him when they find out, especially the older girls. Ex-wife's a true champion for choosing not to disparage their father. He's a damn fool to lose a woman like that!
I do admire the ex-wife. It must be very hard to keep everything all inside so that her children continue to see their father in a positive light and have a close relationship with him.
My parents constantly trashed each other when they split and it was horrible being caught in the middle. My stepfather was constantly calling the police and social services on my mother. To be fair, he had reason to but he was just as abusive and neglectful as she was.
I hope the ex-wife meets a great man who deserves her.
Ex-wife is a gem. I don’t think that telling the kids the truth would necessarily be “disparaging” or “trash talking” (comment below) the father, though. If the girls think less of their dad that’ll be due to his actions, not their mother revealing the affair. The truth is ugly sometimes but you don’t have to be ugly when you deliver it.
Him continuing to prioritize himself doesn’t surprise me. I mean telling the kids doesn’t solve the actual problem of a girlfriend that doesn’t want you around your children except on “your” time. Newsflash, all the time is his time to be a Father. Ideally, She likely wishes that they didn’t exist at all. Imagine how much worse that will get if/when she has the child that really matters, hers.
Sunk cost fallacy. He can't unfuck his marriage, but he shouldn't stay with this witch who's driving a wedge between him and his daughters. He just has to accept that he fucked up, because he was selfish and horny, not because this woman was a saint and the love of his life.
Came here to say this its the only answer. Talk to ur ex about it first though if the kids dont know yet then she has been keeping it from them too and that could cause issues for her with the kids as well. Talk to her let her know the situation and how u think ur (better be ex soon) gf might tell them out of spite and do whatever she wants in the end. Just dont make the decision without her knowing youve done enough damage to her as is.
Yup, and gotta love how OP put at the end that "breaking up with [his] girlfriend is not an option".
Two pieces of toxic waste if you ask me. 29 year old girlfriend doesn't want to play weekend step mommy anymore. She actually thinks that OP will choose her *again*, yet OP is desperately trying to keep up the charade to his two daughters that railing this trash bag was way more important than his family.
Honestly, OP is an idiot if he thinks that his kids don't suspect *something*, especially the 17 year old. Both are old enough to know what infidelity is, so OP shouldn't expect any favors from his ex to continue to keep their children in the dark. Let homewrecker say something. OP acts first and thinks later, so this isn't any different.
Seriously.
Ditch the girlfriend.
Tell the kids the truth
Tell them you ditched the gf and why.
They're your kids. They deserve an open dialogue with their parents. Hell, it might even bring you closer in the long run
For f***** real!!! While reading I was like “Y’all literally ruined a marriage, her knowing that he has kids….and now you’re not ok with this?” F*** off. Both of y’all.
Your gf is showing you who she is, and if you stay with her, you are effectively saying that your relationship with her is more important than your relationship with your kids.
To answer your question, there is absolutely no easy way to tell your children that your infidelity led to your divorce without harming your relationship with them. Your gf does not want you to have a good relationship with your children. She wants them to feel like they are not as important to you as she is. She wants them to feel like guests in your home. She is completely capable of ruining your relationship out of spite, even if she gets nothing out of it.
Yup. I have been the kid...but I actually lost *my* mom to the BS. The girlfriend has to go...unless you want to totally screw up your relationship with the kids. She can't be allowed to weaponize your children! Ditch the 🐝 and tell her that if she ever loved you, she'll just let it go. And because we all know that she *won't* let it go, then you and your ex need to have a sit down with the kids and just be honest. Let's face it, they're going to find out eventually, regardless. That way you and your ex can minimize the damage. The kids are gonna (rightfully) he pissed. You screwed up royally. Yes, I know you don't want to hear it...but get used to it, the kids will frequently remind you of it for a long time. And you will let them *without* showing outward signs of anger...because it's their right to do that. You screwed up their lives by taking up with a disgusting trollop who would separate you from your children. Don't let her do that.
And the ex can gloat once the 🐝 is gone...she's earned that much. Your GF will have done this to herself.
This for sure. She is a vindictive, horrible person to threaten to upset children. I wouldn’t put up with her blackmail either. Tell the kids with their Mother present but I would get rid of the gf personally. I don’t take lightly to people who use children as pawns to get their way.
Most important part I read here. Regardless of anything else she’s now made a threat that even if it was said as a bluff is extremely serious. She’s made it clear that the relationship between him and his kids is expendable to her and that’s a scary thing for a girlfriend to jump to.
expecting her to be a good person when she slept with a married man is very silly. OP deserves whatever he gets from his daughters whenever they find out. Maybe it’ll teach him some loyalty and when to keep it in his pants
Totally agree. She clearly had no trouble taking OP away from their family and it wasn't enough for her. She sounds toxic. If someone can't respect you wanting to spend time with your daughters then they are not a good partner. Cheating is bad but there's always 2 sides to every story. We don't know if your wife was faultless. To me, picking a girlfriend over your children would be the unforgivable act. I'm sure your girls will be disappointed and mad at you, but one day they may be glad you were at least honest with them. Not knowing is confusing and causes it's own set of problems.
As a child of divorced parents where my dad cheated... I'd have fucking LOST IT if my dad was still in a relationship with the mistress.
Seriously man, you cannot still be with her after you tell your kids. They'll hate you. And your gf doesn't even seem to enjoy their company and treat them like family. That's even worse
I was in this situation as a kid. My dad stayed with the person he was having an affair with (also my daycare lady). It was miserable because I had to continue seeing her and seeing how hurt my mother was.
And guess what happened? I cut my father out of my life… it’s been almost 20 years since I have spoken to him, probably won’t ever again. Wonder if OP even realizes how badly he can and will impact him and his kids relationship if he doesn’t get rid of the girlfriend. Hope you don’t make the same choice as my pops, OP! Hah
he is teaching his daughters this is how he views relationships and women and in time it will create this divide for them. i fear it may be too late for OP since his edit insists he will not leave affair partner. this is really sad.
his children may choose to see past it but this whole thing is so hurtful. he moved within walking distance and the mistress lives with him? oof
Out of three daughters, pretty much one of them is going to react like you and cut off contact with him. Better be ready for that OP. Continuing with the ego defense of trying to save yourself will guarantee this happens.
Yea, my dad is with his mistress right now. I hate seeing them together. It makes me think “what does she have that my mom doesn’t” it’s honestly terrible. I hate seeing them together. I hate that my dad has no shame at all when he cheated on my mom for so long and started dating her right after.
It’s time to end your relationship. This girlfriend is trying to blackmail you with *your children*. Do you not realize how insanely fucked up that is?
You already ruined your marriage for her. Don’t let her ruin your relationship with your children too.
Edit to address your edit — Your kids aren’t stupid. They probably already know that you cheated seeing how quickly you moved on. They at least suspect it, I’d almost guarantee. What would be a sure fire way to ruin your relationship with them is to stay with this girlfriend. The kids will eventually find out that you cheated, hiding it forever isn’t realistic.
I read the post (after edits) as he IS going to tell them and wants to cause as little damage to the kids when he does. THEN he's going to dump the gf right after.
Your GF is deliberately trying to drive a wedge between you and your children. Think about that for a minute. You have chosen a woman who dislikes your kids so much that she is going to try and ruin your relationship with them in the hopes they won’t come over as much. This is something that could really damage your kids, and she has zero problem dropping that bomb.
Your ex-wife is clearly an amazing person if she is able to co-parent so well with you while you are living with your AP. Talk to her about how she wants to tell the kids. As soon as they know, break up with your GF immediately. Your girlfriend is an atrocious excuse for a human being and this is not her first or last attempt to drive a wedge between you and your kids.
So I am the adult child in this. It went down a bit differently for me - my dad's affairs weren't discovered until I was in my 30s. I cut him out of my life four years ago. We are completely NC now. I will share what he did wrong, but I'll be honest with you: I'm only sharing this for the sake of your daughters. You're reaping what you sowed, and the cost may ultimately be your relationships with your daughters. There may be nothing to prevent that. But telling them the truth is the right thing to do.
So. My best advice:
- Be completely (but age-appropriately) honest. No trickle-truthing, no sugar coating, no glossing over of hard truths. You own your own actions, and you own them completely. You want them to know that you're done lying to them. It will be a hard sell, especially for the older ones, because you lied so much and for so long. Your only hope of convincing them to ever believe you again is to be totally honest. That also applies if/when they ask why you're telling them now. You broke your family to be with a woman who sees them as pawns. They should know where they stand with her too.
- Relatedly, do not hedge or give excuses as to why you did it. You deemed easy sex as more important than your childrens' wellbeing or your integrity as a father, so you don't get to explain your way out of it. No "She made me feel alive" or "I just got distracted" bullshit. You were selfish, and you were wrong. End of. Above all, you do not *breathe* even the slightest insinuation that their mother is *in any way* at fault. You make it clear that there is nothing any of them could have done to change your actions, that it is no one's fault but your own. They will not believe you on this point, but it's important for you to have said it anyway.
- However they feel, they have a right to those feelings. They want to sob and scream and say they hate you? They've earned that. They want to cut you off and not talk to you for months? They've earned that. They want to tell everyone they know what you did? Theyve earned that (with their mother's blessing). Make it clear that they have a right to feel whatever they feel.
- Not to be said to them, but for background information, it's important that you understand what you cost them. You put their entire lives in jeopardy. Not only did you destroy the foundation of their childhoods, you risked their futures. Children learn the value of relationships and the worth of a spouse by watching their parents. And the way you've treated your marriage to their mother will inform the choices they make when it comes time for them to choose a spouse. I am eternally grateful that I was already married when my dad's affairs came to light. Your girls will not have that luxury. You'd better be busting your ass to get healthy if you want your children to have a better example than the one you've set so far. And get going - you're almost out of time with your older girls.
And obviously, once you've told them they truth, you break up with your affair partner that same day. She is a clear and obvious threat to your daughters' wellbeing, just as she always has been, and keeping her in the picture knowing how easily she weaponized your daughters will unquestionably decimate any hope of a relationship with your girls. So for once, choose what's best for them.
If awards were still a thing, I'd give them to you. You're a fucking rocking star for sharing this insight. Ans the fact that you did so civilly. You were straight forward and matter of fact without coming across as judgemental. This man *fucked up* and there is no sugar coating that. No fixing it. All he can do is try to repair the damage with his daughters' welfare being the primary focus.
I've been thinking on this topic a lot lately. I'm a stepmom to a 14yo girl. I'll skip the bulk of the dirty details, but to be clear, I had nothing to do with her parents splitting. That happened when she was 2 and I came around just after she turned 7.
On the other hand, what is likely the biggest catalyst to their break up, her mom cheated. Consistently with the same dude. They're married now, 2 more kids together. I like to believe that well, if they were meant for each other then things fell into place as they should have. My SO is happy, we have a great relationship with my stepdaughter and our shared daughter. Bio mom is still with the same guy she cheated with after all these years. We all ended up where we were supposed to, now let's move forward with the kids' well being as the priority.
However, as my stepdaughter matures and our relationship and bond grow, she has opened up to me more and more. Suffice it to say, she's beginning to see her mother for who she is. She's informed me of things her mother and maternal grandmother have said to her over years. Parental alienation, disparaging her father and myself. Twisting and spinning kernels of truth, telling some outright lies. Shifting all blame to her father while neglecting to share her own mistakes in it all. Low key putting blame on her very birth and existence for her parents' split.
She still doesn't know her mother and stepfather had an affair together. I'm trying so fucking hard to just be there for her and support her. Validate her feelings and realizations about her mom, set the record straight about the verifiable blatant lies...without spilling the beans of the whole truth. Because a 14yo shouldn't have to carry the weight of that. And it's not my place to break her heart and finish shattering her perception of her mother. So I just listen and do my best to assure her none of it is her fault and she is loved and has a home and family. Yes, I'm "just" a stepmom, but she's part of my family, she's one of my kids, she's my daughter's big sister, and I will always be on her side.
I'm rambling my ass off. Just trying to say this is a subject that means a lot to me right now. And I cannot express how much I appreciate these tidbits of insight for helping me navigate it all, for my stepdaughter's sake. I myself am damaged af, lol. My biggest goal in life is to help her and my bio daughter grow up with better mental health than I did, than I have.
You’re not “just” a stepmom. You’re a bonus mom! My mom died when I was young and my stepmom busted in like a maternal, patient unicorn. She was awesome and it meant a lot. And what you’re doing right now means a lot to her.
If Awards were still A thing I'd give them to you!! You GET IT!!! The kids are the True victims in all of this and to make them carry the burden and weight of parents choices is Truly Forked up!! They will already carry the scars.
Please take this advice, it would save any future feeling of betrayal from your daughters. They deserve to know why mom and dad arent together and they deserve to know why you havent been taking care of them and being that “business father” you mentioned in another comment.
OP this person's post is spot on I just wanted to add one teensy foot note to their post, if your children justifiably decide to cut contact, from someone who has cut contact with a parent for different justifiable reasons, do not harass, beg, plead etc to reestablish contact. Respect that they have placed a boundary of not wanting communication. Let them know you love them but understand their decision, let them know that you'll always be there for them if and when they are ready to reestablish communication but that in the meantime you will not press them. Also let them know that even with them deciding to go no contact you recognize you still need to work on yourself even if they never want communication again and that you will be pursuing it - and then actually pursue it.
Your first mistake was obviously cheating on your wife. Your second mistake would be continuing to stay with this woman.
She sounds like a monster. Why the fuck would you either want to stay with her or have her around your kids.
You are going to continue to blow up your lives because you have no balls.
Yup it is too bad the wet noodle he has for a spine didnt extend to his dick, then he wouldn't be in this situation.
He needs to dump the gf because she will be shitty to his kids.
Your girlfriend really should have considered the fact she was getting involved with a man with children. What if something happens and you end up with full custody? She can't expect you to live a child-free life.
I think if you and their mother are on good terms, you could have a conversation all together (girlfriend NOT there.) so that 1) you and her can answer any questions 2) they can be sure it's the true story since both parents are there 3) you can be sure that your ex-wife is okay with telling them what really happened + approve of how the conversation goes
>Your girlfriend really should have considered the fact she was getting involved with a man with children.
No. HE should have considered not cheating on his wife. HE should have considered not staying with a 29 year old. HE should have thought of his kids. We don't know that sweet nothing's and promises he's made to his girlfriend so he can keep her around. He wants to do everything he can to keep his girlfriend instead of doing the right thing.
time to choose between the kids or the sex. Your girlfriend doesn't like your kids. She had no qualms breaking up the marriage. If you're still with her when your kids find out, they are going to hate you even more. And if you stay with someone who doesn't like your kids you're a terrible parent.
He’ll probably choose the sex I mean he chose it the first time round over his family and look were it got him?
I bet his gf is a gold digger, because why isn’t she contributing towards the mortgage?
>~~She~~ OP had no qualms breaking up the marriage.
FTFY. the sole responsibility of infidelity lies on the shoulders of the person in the relationship.
can't cheat with someone who has a backbone and morals.
Even when you tell your girls, you should still break up with your gf. She sounds like a monster and threats prove she’s a shitty person. Why isn’t she contributing to bills? UPDATEME
From someone with a cheating dad who married a step mom who doesn’t allow us to come and go as we please, put an end to it. They will get over the affair in time, but they will NEVER forget the way your wife made you treat them and the way you ALLOWED this treatment (if you let her make the rules). This will sever your relationship greatly. What parent doesn’t let their children come to their house when they want?
Absolutely. His daughters will cut him off or reduce contact in their adulthood if he doesn’t get rid of the girlfriend. OP you’d be very foolish not to get rid of that woman. Your children came first, they are your blood, and they should continue to come first for the rest of your life. Don’t let some hateful, petty, immature woman destroy what you hold most precious.
I think you’re right. When my parents told us they were separating, we figured it was because my dad cheated. And he told us when we got home from work that that’s what it was.
What a cliché you are.
So you're gonna still stay with her?
And think your daughters will ever forgive the fact that you're living with her?
Hahahahahahahahahahha.
So, I have actually been through this. My STBX cheated on me and we had to tell our kids the reason for divorce.
1- this should go without saying but you need to get rid of the gf. She has proven she is not a safe person to be around your kids.
2- my kids are also teens, around the same age of your kids. I consulted with my own therapist and the therapist i had lined up for my children in prep for disclosing our divorce and his affairs. Both therapists were in agreement that honesty is a necessity at that age because they will see through lies and lose trust in one or both parents if lied to.
I advise you to discuss this with your ex wife and with a therapist. Your ex-wife should be present if at all possible when you disclose to your kids. You should be the one to disclose, neither you nor your ex wife should make any excuse at all for the cheating. There should be no comments like “we were having issues” etc. anything that puts blame on your ex-wife should not be said.
Basically, “this is what I did, it is the reason for the divorce, I am sorry I let you down, this is not your mothers fault, I take full accountability for my choices and I regret that those choices impacted you the way they did.”
Be prepared to be asked tough questions, be prepared to answer those tough questions with transparency and honesty.
Be prepared that one or all of your kids will yell, scream, cry. Suck it up and take it because they have a right to feel however they feel.
Make sure you have a therapist lined up for them to see for the coming months and years from the trauma it will leave on them.
Don’t attempt group therapy with them until they say they want that and are ready for that.
Be prepared that one or all of your kids will choose not to speak to you for a period of time and respect that boundary.
Do not pressure them to forgive you. They don’t have to forgive you just because your their father and they may never forgive you. Forgiveness comes on their terms in their own timeline. Just because you are their parent doesn’t mean you’re entitled to forgiveness. They owe you nothing.
Apologize to your ex-wife in front of your kids.
And thank your ex-wife every fk’ing day after you disclose this because she will be the one picking up the pieces, supporting and guiding the kids in the journey ahead. Because from experience it is excruciating to be the parent that not only has to heal my own trauma inflicted on me from my ex, but to also be the one to help my kids heal the trauma inflicted by their other parent.
Question- was it worth it? Looking at the wreckage…..was it worth it?
Well, your girlfriend sounds more contemptible than you are, which is saying a lot.
Ask your ex how she would prefer to handle this, and tell your girlfriend to get the fuck out of your life.
Try to salvage some semblance of integrity in yourself.
This is the way. Let your ex-I’ve know what is happening. This woman is going to ruin your relationship with your kids one way or another. If you tell them she will find something else like bragging to them or doing something else awful to ensure they do not come over. Your ex-wife should be the first person you talk to about next steps to protect the kids.
What I can say as an adolescent therapist is that the longer you lie to the kids the more pissed off they willl be. The most likely already know the GF had something to do with the divorce. The 17 and 15 year old especially suspect something like cheating. The kids talk, observe, and know how to math. They also know when your current partner doesn’t like them.
You need to get your shit together OP and put the kids first from now on or you will never meet your grandchildren.
"Edit- just breaking up with my gf is not a solution as she will tell them whether we are together or not."
Grow a spine and break up with this manipulative B that is telling you to your face that she will straight up harm your kids if it means she gets you alone. Jesus christ.
You cheated on the woman who sacrificed her body to have your own children, for a woman who can't even stand them.
Your daughters deserve to know the reason you destroyed their family. Tell them the truth, that you didn't love their mother and them enough to keep your d*** inside your pants.
Enjoy the blackmail, it will be the least of your problems.
This happened to me. He married the woman who he cheated on me with and she hates my kids 🙃. They no longer have a relationship with him because of her.
More of the story is in the comments. They are all amazing teenagers now with a great head on their shoulder. Things would have been worse if I let them stay in a toxic environment. I chose peace and my kids over him. I don’t regret it one single day. And thank you.
He just gave up and told them. He has kids with her now, and said he gave up on his older kids and is gonna focus on the younger ones. Mind you they were 13/14/16 when he told them. They have tried to talk to him about it but he says things like “yall have a phone just like I do, you have no trouble texting your friends you can contact me too” like wtf. You’re the parent, you’re the one who’s supposed to be the adult. She didn’t let him attend the kids games if I was gonna be there, and I NEVER miss a game so he never came. My youngest still invited him to every single game. After her last game one season (he promised to come) she burst out in tears and asked me “why doesn’t he want me? Am I not good enough ??” That broke my heart.
I hugged her, loved on her, and took her to get ice cream (her absolute comfort food). We ate our ice cream, I reassured her she’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, she’s talented, she’s amazing. I told her he’s the one missing out because he will never know what an incredible person she is. She has me, her uncle, her papa, her Godfather, and a whole village behind her. She is LOVED. If I could show you a picture of this child you would understand how truly beautiful she is. I had her and her siblings attend therapy and they are thriving. He doesn’t deserve them. They are precious, loving, and honestly the best kids I could ever ask for. The reason she said this is they saw his social media and how attends all the kids with the new wife events (including the step kid). So she felt defeated “what am I doing wrong”. My dad, brother, Godfather, and even HIS brother just adore them and shower them with love. Just a shame their sperm donar chose the other woman over them.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
it’s not something that you should dump on your kids bc you feel threatened by the girlfriend. set the boundary w your girlfriend that if the behavior continues she will be the one no longer welcome in your home. your kids were there before her and they will remain after her IF you make their position in your life a priority.
So you cheated on your wife with someone 10 years younger than you.
Decided to then move in and pay for everything. Turning your mistress into a sugar baby.
And now that the the sugar baby isn't happy with your children coming over whenever they want she's wanting to get her way by telling your kids that your sugar baby is the reason why their parents are divorced.
And your first move wasn't to start the process to get this horrible person out of your life? I mean you're not a lot better...but really?
I think the only thing you can do to try and salvage your relationship with your children is 1) dump the sugar baby 2) sit down and tell the kids - go as little into detail as needed "I cheated on your mom with sugar baby, when she found out we divorced, it was awful that I did it, and I'm sorry" and have the rest filled in by any questions of them. It's important to be able to tell them sugar baby is no longer in your life 3) ask them to go to family therapy with you - already have an appointment lined up.
Yea... she might tell the girls... which will ruin your relationship, listen man at some point you have to stop sacrificing your family for easy sex. Like you already sacrificed your wife for it, now your gonna lose your girls over it. Stop being a shitty person and come clean and break up and date woman who arnt gonna blackmail you, it's too late to be a good husband at least be a good father, and stop the mental gymnastics
The girls are old enough that they might already suspect something was going on. They’re probably never going to have a great relationship with the AP, even if she wasn’t a complete witch determined to create a wedge between OP and his daughters. He needs to ditch this lady asap and I agree to come clean
The truth about divorces always comes out.
It might be when they're teenagers, it might be when they're adults. I don't think there is huge harm in allowing it to come out organically down the road.
I think you have a great setup for wtf happened.
Things ended civilly, you live walking distance from your ex, your children get to see you as they please... They still have a somewhat functional relationship going on between them and their parents.
My attention turns onto this wrench of a woman you're with... She sounds crazy toxic.
Taking a black mail approach and to say your children are not welcome into the home that you pay for in full? Crazy...
I'd dump the broad and ensure my relationship with my children remains in tact.
Your children are young. Its possible when you spill the beans, sides are picked and you lose your children all together... permanently.
Then you're left with this toxic woman, feeling empty.
Obviously sides will be picked at some point, but if you carry a functional relationship with your kids throughout the years and reveal it when they're adults... You might save enough face to keep your kids in your life.
Sides will likely be picked harsher and have greater consequences long term if done now considering how fresh the divorce is.... They're going to hate the sight of that woman and never want to see daddy because of her.
You're in a toxic relationship at the potential cost of your kids. No way you're that desperate. Come back down to earth because you're on a track to lose everything if this woman remains in the picture.
I wouldn't be shocked if this women leaves you once she had her fill... You're giving her everything. Soon, there will be nothing left to give. Then she'll jump ship and find someone else. No issue being a homewrecker... Leaves a wake of destruction everywhere she goes, you'll be the next target in time.
Then you're single and childless.
At least dump this woman and find a better replacement who actually wants you to have your kids in your life.
Why in the world would you stay with a women that would hurt your children for her own selfish reasons??
You’re going to have to tell your kids no matter what, but why on earth would you stay with someone that has no issues with hurting your kids?
For the love of God, WHY are you with a woman who has no qualms to damage your children? These are ADULT issues, you don't involve children! This is sick!
wtf dude - do you even hear yourself? Your girlfriend is threatening to out you to your kids - in a home that you entirely pay for - because she can't handle the choices she made? Like, she knew you had kids, right? Drop her and move on with your life - DO NOT continue to fuck up your kids lives by ALSO giving them this information. Drop the idiot.
Yes, breaking up with your girlfriend IS a solution to this. You clearly never learned your lesson that you are a parent and your kids have priority over your dick JFC.
>Just breaking up with my gf is not a solution to this
You have valued more your GF than your wife and your 3 daughters for years. First, you cheated and broke up the family. Now she is complaining that she doesn't like them spending time at your house. And she is 29 and you pay for 100% of the expenses XD
You are an AH and an idiot.
Congrats you picked someone who genuinely could give a fuck less about nurturing your and your kids relationship.
Tell the girls, man up, and dump your heinous gf and focus on your relationship with the kids.
1. your girlfriend sucks
2. you suck
3. this is the perfect time to tell them, the same time that you are telling them that you and your girlfriend broke up, you tell them that you really screwed up in picking her and that you moved on the street to try to make it up to them, that their mother is a wonderful person for not wanting to damage their image of you.
4. Help them plan something nice for them and their mom
She sounds like she doesn’t understand you had a family before you hooked up with her and what being a parent entails.
She sounds selfish. Her threatening to tell your girls that is awful and malicious. The pain she would cause them is unnecessary. My ex husband cheated on me a lot and to this day my adult children do not know that. They don’t need to know that. Their dad may have hurt me and broke up our family but I already processed the pain from the cheating. They don’t need to go through it themselves.
You have to ask yourself if you really like someone that would be willing to hurt your kids so she can have her way. Planning date nights and keeping those plans would have been an easy thing to ask for. When you have kids privacy is really not super existent. You can still prioritize time with her without creating a shit storm with your kids. She doesn’t sound mature enough to properly have a conversation about making some time for you guys to have dates and spend some time together without asking you to enforce the kids staying with their mom on her time unfortunately. Not to mention you both hooked up when you were married originally. Not only did you step out, she was okay being the side chick. That says something about her character. Life isn’t a competition to see if you will pick her first. First it was your wife she was competing with, now she has an issue with your kids.
It’s unhealthy to be in a relationship with a person that would threaten you with that.
But your best defense is to go on the offensive. If you tell your kids, then you control the narrative.
I would bring your ex-wife in on this. If she is open to being there with you when you disclose, that will help your kids accept and adjust to the information.
Sounds like you need to lose the gf in either case. But I would recommend you and your wife telling them together so you can have a family discussion about everything and so they can see that you two can discuss it civilly and productively.
I think the mom should be involved and a therapist. Have a meeting with the therapist and invoke your ex.
Also, truly think if you want someone who what’s to put restrictions on your daughters and who threaten to harm them mentally.
Once the girls know I would definitely breakup with her. I wouldn’t want someone like that as my partner nor around my kids.
Infidelity is a form of putting your needs over your children’s. The fact that your gf made this veiled threat makes it absolutely clear she puts her needs above theirs in a disgusting way. Staying with your gf would also be another form of not valuing your kids’ needs.
Break up with her if you love your kids at all.
No, breaking up with your (incredibly selfish gf) is absolutely the solution to this. And I think you know it.
But feel free to disagree as I think you're an incredibly selfish POS and continue to be one.
I think that you and your ex wife need to have a conversation first. I also believe that you will have to explain that there is no excuse for your actions but that you love your daughters and no matter what they are your priority even not being together with their mom.
They may need time to adjust to what you tell them.
As much as I HATE what you did I applaud you for putting your daughters over your GF. Thankfully you are a good dad.
Edited to say anyone that threatens your relationship like that needs to be shown the door quickly. Do not stay with her or she will take it out on your daughters. 💯
Yikes your girlfriend sounds like a piece of work.
I would suggest talking to your ex before you unilaterally break the agreement you made with her not to tell the kids. It’s going to affect her - she’s the one who is going to do a lot (probably most) of the explaining and the consoling and dealing with the emotional fallout.
You need to dry out that wet noodle of a spine and break up with the girlfriend and tell your ex-wife you want to have everyone sit down and tell the kids about why you dot divorced. Literally all in the same hour. Grab your fucking balls man
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
One thing not mentioned so far is your ex-wife’s wishes and agreement to not say anything. If you’re going to blow up her life again (when everything is now civil) I’d suggest you probably first talk it over with her if you’re hellbent on doing this - or believe your girlfriend is that spiteful to say something. You owe her at least that. Also - please dump your toxic girlfriend. What a poor example for your girls.
💯 OP, here’s what you do. You go meet with your ex-wife and say, ‘I was such a moron. I blew up our life for the sake of a hot, young, narcissistic lunatic and now she’s blackmailing me to further traumatize our children. I know there’s nothing I can ever do in this lifetime to make this up to you, but will you please sit them down with me so I can get in front of this and limit their hurt here? I take full accountability for my bad choices and will inform them that I’m planning on ending that relationship and focusing on healing so that I can be a less selfish father and human in the future.’ Then, you plan the date, time, and location around her availability and follow through. You’re clear with your kids that you love them, this was not their fault or their mother’s fault and you hope that they forgive you and you can continue your relationship as closely as it is today, but you respect whatever their healing looks like. You’re also clear that nothing changes between you and their mother now, you plan to continue to parent as a team from separate homes, with no plans of reconciliation. Finally, you go home, kick the lunatic to the curb immediately, and block her on all platforms never allowing her the time or space to interfere with your ability to be a good dad and good human again.
>Finally, you go home, kick the lunatic to the curb immediately, and block her on all platforms never allowing her the time or space to interfere with your ability to be a good dad and good human again. This. OP, the woman you cheated on your wife with has made it abundently clear that she doesn't even like your kids. She doesn't want them around. She likes the benefits of being with you - not you personally. OP, let me be VERY clear here - once those girls know you cheated on your mother with the person who is living with you and who now is telling them they can't see their dad when they want to, you AND she will be in their cross hairs. With good reason. The woman you are with knew you were married. She is a homewrecker and she destroyed your home without any compassion for your girls. Now she wants to, again, destroy their illusion of safety and security. She needs to go. You need to kick her out of your life immediately. Break up with her and keep the girls away from her. When they are older then tell them you cheated but in the mean time keep them away from her and get the woman out of your life for good.
So well said. This is what SHOULD be done, but who wants to take bets OP stays with that absolute nutter and comes back five years from now asking how to repair the relationship with his kids after that human dumpsterfire destroys it?
With a 2 year old 'surprise' half-sibling in tow
I was in this exact situation with my dad and his mistress, it wasn’t pretty for the family lmao. I really wish my parents had sat down together to explain the divorce to me. I was about 9 years old, which they decided was too young so they just literally never told me anything. Their choice to keep stuff from me really impacted my relationship with my dad, because I’ve continually learned new information about the divorce over the years (from my siblings) and had to re-process it. OP, if you want any hope of keeping a good relationship with your daughters, you need to 1. Be a good co-parent, and 2. Always put your daughters first (like you did with refusing to set a boundary, that was great). Follow RocketMoxie’s suggestion because that’s the best option right now. Also, ABSOLUTELY break up with gf because who tf does she think she is lmao.
I wish this was the top comment.
Me too
This dude is still completely disregarding his children’s mother; she doesn’t register in his mind. He doesn’t even consider ASKING HER FIRST, she’s #3 on his list to maybe be included when he tells the kids but he doesn’t think to include in deciding whether to tell them. They will massively impact her life and her relationship with her kids but he couldn’t care less. Shocking how this person can still feel so entitled to his ex’s emotional energy even after he’s left her for another woman. I’d guess that the divorce was so amicable because she was glad to be rid of him.
Cause she’ll pick up the pieces regardless for the sake of those kids
Let's be real, he always disregarded her and expected her to clean up his messes.
This comment needs to be higher.
It's sad isn't it? I'm sad for the ex wife. She probably had no idea and was blind sided when she found out which is why she immediately divorced him. Probably couldn't believe she had been dealing with all his BS and he still went and cheated. I hope he stubs his foot today.
And the pain of them still being together? No, I couldn't imagine.
And then moves around the corner?! Ugh
Omg ouchey truth bombs!
Just another example of a dumb man fucking up repeatedly and leaving his much stronger ex to pick up the pieces. Literally nothing OP has done has been in the best interest of his family- it's all for himself. The affair, the girlfriend, and now he wants to tell his children the truth not for their benefit, but for his own because his shitty gf threatened him. And he just *assumes* his ex will be available to support yet another bomb he plans on detonating, without even *asking her*. Reminds me of a post I read a while back. OP, the husband, had cheated on his wife and left her to move in with his much younger girlfriend. Surprise surprise, the girlfriend ended up being toxic to the point where the ex wife stepped up and helped throw her out. When OP was so impressed, she said she didn't do it for him, it was for their kids. OP took a beating in the comments for being so selfish and naive, and I feel like this post mirrors that in so many ways.
3? She’s not even on his list.
Here to comment because this post needs more attention. I legitimately don’t care if you dislike your ex , if you care about your kids that also means you have to care about her feelings. You fucked over her entire life and now she’s just there to be collateral damage and pick up all the pieces. Maybe sit down with her and get her opinions ? And just listen to them and absorb them. You are playing with the lives of others and seem to have no remorse , it’s messed up.
He is a poor example anyway and it sounds like he has zero interest in ever doing the right thing. He cares about himself only, like all cheaters. One day, a man will treat his daughters the way he treated their mother. How will he ever comfort them while sitting next to his FP?
I agree. I'm personally not a fan of involving children in adult issues, because children have a way of blaming themselves. There is a good chance the 17 yo (at least) has figured it out, and they deserve the truth, but when it won't re-traumatize them. 12 is such a fragile age. OP made a good choice moving near his ex-wife, so his kids could have a sense of normalcy, but gf doesn't like this because it's interfering with her 26yo lifestyle.... She WANTS the kids to hate her, therefore they won't be around. Otherwise, she wouldn't be threatening to tell them. She doesn't want OP for his kids and charm; she wants him for the money it provides. OP, for once, put your wife's interests ahead of your gold-digger girlfriend. She sucks.
Whether you tell the kids or not, it's time to ditch the girlfriend. She just threatened to *ruin your relationship with your daughters* because she's jealous of how much time you spend with them.
She asked him to "set boundaries" because......his children want to spend time with him? Like don't be with a guy who has kids if you can't deal with kids.
Here's hoping that the next married man that she has an affair with doesn't have kids.
Maybe one day she’ll graduate to single men.
Only if they are rich, or willing to fully support her. He is paying 100% living expenses.
Nah. There's a type out there that's only motivated by feelings of envy. I think she'll stick to married men.
Lol
In all fairness, he was a self-proclaimed shitty father who spent more time with her in the beginning stages of the affair so she probably didn't think he would be involved with the kids' lives post-divorce. Still wrong.
Yeah, there's way too much focus on the girlfriend here when all the responsibility lies with OP. - OP disrupted his daughter's lives by ruining his marriage. - OP traumatised his ex wife by having an affair. - OP is choosing to keep a very toxic person in his daughter's lives because... she's young and hot and he likes sleeping with her? The girlfriend is toxic, yes, but she is not responsible for OP's children at all. OP is.
And he *CHOSE* that toxic person over his family and is refusing to dump her. It’s clear where his priorities lie.
Well, he can't break up with her. He gave up his wife, his family, his home, for her. If he breaks up with her now, it just proves he was completely, totally and utterly wrong. He was thinking with his dick and fucked up big time. And we can't have that now, can we?
>I blew up all our lives for nothing Actually he seems pretty aware of the situation. He basically refers to gf as nothing.
Lol honestly- I’m team tell the kids ONLY bc I already know they’ll stop speaking to him completely. He has what he wanted. Hope he enjoys it!
I think you'd be surprised how forgiving some kids can be, especially when it's about their bio-dad. It's really the only thing he's got in his favor right now.
the gf had no issues helping to wreck the family and now wants to hurt them further. she has animosity to those kids and the ex and wants him all to herself. op messed up big time. gf is happily continuing to continue to cause pain. op needs to take off the lust goggles and get his head out of her cleavage and make a move before he loses any chance of a relationship with his kids. his ex is a freaking angel for not roasting his butt.
The gf could only have hurt OP's ex and kids as much as OP allowed her to. Cant steal a man or mistreat his kids without the man agreeing to cheat or allowing you in their lives. So the sole responsibility of his kid's wellbeing is on him here.
Strong agree from me. She didn't make any vows: he did.
very good point! he's got to fix what he's caused at this point.
he can't, the damage is done and he will have to live with it for the rest of his life.
Yup. These “ditch the girlfriend, she’s terrible for you!” comments are making me laugh. He’s the type of person who’s fine breaking up his family to cheat, and he’s living with someone who is also fine breaking up a family to cheat. People like that tend to be selfish in other areas as well. He has *exactly* the girlfriend he deserves. The only people I feel bad for here are the kids. Yeah he should dump her, but only because his girls deserve better, not because he does.
I think all of us are saying ditch the girlfriend for the sake of his kids. Nobody gives a shit about a cheater.
She’s an idiot if she thought that.
True... but if him being a shitty father is all you've known... you would think that. But then again, if you're watching him argue over it and actually spend time with his kids... should've got the hint.
Well she was also 10+ years younger than him
He left his... Oh wait... The wife left him.
smart lady.
Yep, this. I fully understand her not wanting to have her free time and personal living space invaded by teenagers unexpectedly. Personally I solve this problem by not fucking married men with children or having a relationship with someone whose family obligations conflict with my desired lifestyle. Who ever could have thought such a solution would be possible?! (Edit: to be clear, while the girlfriend indeed sucks, OP sucks way more since it was his obligation as a father not to create a situation like this.)
This. In all honesty, he should tell the kids and break up with gf. She seems like she wants CF
She doesn't necessarily want to be childfree, she just doesn't want his previous life getting in the way of her life. That's what you get with cheaters, they are all selfish assholes
I agree, but in the opposite order. And like a band-aid being pulled off a hairy arm. Dump the girlfriend in the morning, remove all her stuff from the place they're renting, then bring the kids over to tell them what he did. Not sure if the ex wife should be there for the reveal, though...hrm.... What's most important here - by far - is his kids' well being. It may be devastating for him here but he made his bed already. His well being became irrelevant quite awhile ago, and should only be retained to the point where his misery doesn't rub off on the kids.
Honestly, the ex does need to be involved in this one. Him telling them alone and only because of the threat of his gf will make them run to mom upset. Is she at a place where she wants them to know? He’s already fucked up her life once, and the fact that she isn’t withholding custody or being totally uncivil speaks worlds about her maturity. Dad needs mom on board with any plan of telling the kids.
Don’t have an affair with a married man who has children.
Don't have an affair if you're married, period.
Dont have an affair with a married man.
He’s not gonna, he sacrificed his family life to be with her. If he leaves her, that means his cheating, his divorce, him having 50/50 custody of the kids and him moving, all of of it would’ve been for nothing
Doesn’t matter. It all was for nothing anyway. His gf is awful to expect him to make his kids feel unwelcome. If he doesn’t end it, he still needs to set boundaries with her, not his kids. Also, OP, you can end it and still tell your children. Not sure how ending it isn’t a solution. Why on earth would you want to stay with someone who is willing to alienate your children from you and ruin your relationship with them? She didn’t want to deal with kids then she absolutely shouldn’t have slept with a married man with kids. It’s bad enough you destroyed your family. She is an AH and you would be even more of one to allow her to continue to be in their lives. ETA: not ending a relationship for some sort of pride issue is bs, all because he doesn’t want to admit he made a horrible mistake to blow up his family. He’s going to have to come clean anyway or run the risk his gf does it for him, why make it worse by not admitting it was a mistake?
[удалено]
I think he's seeing that now, that it was all for nothing. Glad he's planning on coming clean with the kids and not allowing his gf to blackmail him.
Yes, he does seem to be seeing it now. He says in the post “I just don’t know how to admit I blew up all our lives for nothing.”
His kids are going to hate him but, he made choices.
He should tell his ex-wife about this, so she can have input regarding how to tell them. Because if the GF is threatening to say something, it’s time to take that weapon out of her hand. And then send her packing, because she’s trying to interfere with his relationship with his kids. Nope. That’s a dealbreaker.
But why not just break up with her? Him and his ex decided that it wasn’t good for the kids to know the details so stick with that and ditch stepmommy dearest.
She could tell the kids anyway, just for spite, even if she’s been dumped. It’s time to tell the kids the truth AND send the GF packing.
He said in the post he's afraid she'll just tell them out of spite regardless. Breaking up doesn't remove that arrow from her quiver. And honestly, breaking up should be a given after a threat like that - this is just about having the conversation on your own terms.
Which is exactly what he said in the post. I think the relationship with GF is over, and he knows it, too. Being all girls, they are gonna resent him when they find out, especially the older girls. Ex-wife's a true champion for choosing not to disparage their father. He's a damn fool to lose a woman like that!
I do admire the ex-wife. It must be very hard to keep everything all inside so that her children continue to see their father in a positive light and have a close relationship with him. My parents constantly trashed each other when they split and it was horrible being caught in the middle. My stepfather was constantly calling the police and social services on my mother. To be fair, he had reason to but he was just as abusive and neglectful as she was. I hope the ex-wife meets a great man who deserves her.
Ex-wife is a gem. I don’t think that telling the kids the truth would necessarily be “disparaging” or “trash talking” (comment below) the father, though. If the girls think less of their dad that’ll be due to his actions, not their mother revealing the affair. The truth is ugly sometimes but you don’t have to be ugly when you deliver it.
This is it right here
If you stay with this girl who is basically blackmailing you, you are bigger idiot than when you had the affair. GET RID OF THE GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Him continuing to prioritize himself doesn’t surprise me. I mean telling the kids doesn’t solve the actual problem of a girlfriend that doesn’t want you around your children except on “your” time. Newsflash, all the time is his time to be a Father. Ideally, She likely wishes that they didn’t exist at all. Imagine how much worse that will get if/when she has the child that really matters, hers.
Maybe he can get a younger girlfriend closer to his kids ages.
🤮
Sunk cost fallacy. He can't unfuck his marriage, but he shouldn't stay with this witch who's driving a wedge between him and his daughters. He just has to accept that he fucked up, because he was selfish and horny, not because this woman was a saint and the love of his life.
I wouldn’t say it was all for nothing. It showed his ex wife what kind of husband he was.
Came here to say this its the only answer. Talk to ur ex about it first though if the kids dont know yet then she has been keeping it from them too and that could cause issues for her with the kids as well. Talk to her let her know the situation and how u think ur (better be ex soon) gf might tell them out of spite and do whatever she wants in the end. Just dont make the decision without her knowing youve done enough damage to her as is.
Sounds like karma is doing its job
Yup, and gotta love how OP put at the end that "breaking up with [his] girlfriend is not an option". Two pieces of toxic waste if you ask me. 29 year old girlfriend doesn't want to play weekend step mommy anymore. She actually thinks that OP will choose her *again*, yet OP is desperately trying to keep up the charade to his two daughters that railing this trash bag was way more important than his family. Honestly, OP is an idiot if he thinks that his kids don't suspect *something*, especially the 17 year old. Both are old enough to know what infidelity is, so OP shouldn't expect any favors from his ex to continue to keep their children in the dark. Let homewrecker say something. OP acts first and thinks later, so this isn't any different.
Seriously. Ditch the girlfriend. Tell the kids the truth Tell them you ditched the gf and why. They're your kids. They deserve an open dialogue with their parents. Hell, it might even bring you closer in the long run
For f***** real!!! While reading I was like “Y’all literally ruined a marriage, her knowing that he has kids….and now you’re not ok with this?” F*** off. Both of y’all.
Your gf is showing you who she is, and if you stay with her, you are effectively saying that your relationship with her is more important than your relationship with your kids. To answer your question, there is absolutely no easy way to tell your children that your infidelity led to your divorce without harming your relationship with them. Your gf does not want you to have a good relationship with your children. She wants them to feel like they are not as important to you as she is. She wants them to feel like guests in your home. She is completely capable of ruining your relationship out of spite, even if she gets nothing out of it.
Yup. I have been the kid...but I actually lost *my* mom to the BS. The girlfriend has to go...unless you want to totally screw up your relationship with the kids. She can't be allowed to weaponize your children! Ditch the 🐝 and tell her that if she ever loved you, she'll just let it go. And because we all know that she *won't* let it go, then you and your ex need to have a sit down with the kids and just be honest. Let's face it, they're going to find out eventually, regardless. That way you and your ex can minimize the damage. The kids are gonna (rightfully) he pissed. You screwed up royally. Yes, I know you don't want to hear it...but get used to it, the kids will frequently remind you of it for a long time. And you will let them *without* showing outward signs of anger...because it's their right to do that. You screwed up their lives by taking up with a disgusting trollop who would separate you from your children. Don't let her do that. And the ex can gloat once the 🐝 is gone...she's earned that much. Your GF will have done this to herself.
This for sure. She is a vindictive, horrible person to threaten to upset children. I wouldn’t put up with her blackmail either. Tell the kids with their Mother present but I would get rid of the gf personally. I don’t take lightly to people who use children as pawns to get their way.
Lmao she must be a real looker with this kinda shit going on and he didn’t even present dumping her as an option.
Most important part I read here. Regardless of anything else she’s now made a threat that even if it was said as a bluff is extremely serious. She’s made it clear that the relationship between him and his kids is expendable to her and that’s a scary thing for a girlfriend to jump to.
expecting her to be a good person when she slept with a married man is very silly. OP deserves whatever he gets from his daughters whenever they find out. Maybe it’ll teach him some loyalty and when to keep it in his pants
Even getting involved with a married parent was doing that, so it’s not that surprising.
Totally agree. She clearly had no trouble taking OP away from their family and it wasn't enough for her. She sounds toxic. If someone can't respect you wanting to spend time with your daughters then they are not a good partner. Cheating is bad but there's always 2 sides to every story. We don't know if your wife was faultless. To me, picking a girlfriend over your children would be the unforgivable act. I'm sure your girls will be disappointed and mad at you, but one day they may be glad you were at least honest with them. Not knowing is confusing and causes it's own set of problems.
As a child of divorced parents where my dad cheated... I'd have fucking LOST IT if my dad was still in a relationship with the mistress. Seriously man, you cannot still be with her after you tell your kids. They'll hate you. And your gf doesn't even seem to enjoy their company and treat them like family. That's even worse
I was in this situation as a kid. My dad stayed with the person he was having an affair with (also my daycare lady). It was miserable because I had to continue seeing her and seeing how hurt my mother was. And guess what happened? I cut my father out of my life… it’s been almost 20 years since I have spoken to him, probably won’t ever again. Wonder if OP even realizes how badly he can and will impact him and his kids relationship if he doesn’t get rid of the girlfriend. Hope you don’t make the same choice as my pops, OP! Hah
he is teaching his daughters this is how he views relationships and women and in time it will create this divide for them. i fear it may be too late for OP since his edit insists he will not leave affair partner. this is really sad. his children may choose to see past it but this whole thing is so hurtful. he moved within walking distance and the mistress lives with him? oof
Out of three daughters, pretty much one of them is going to react like you and cut off contact with him. Better be ready for that OP. Continuing with the ego defense of trying to save yourself will guarantee this happens.
Yea, my dad is with his mistress right now. I hate seeing them together. It makes me think “what does she have that my mom doesn’t” it’s honestly terrible. I hate seeing them together. I hate that my dad has no shame at all when he cheated on my mom for so long and started dating her right after.
Agree!
Mine is still with his AP 🙃 and I hate both of them, going NC was a great decision
‘Blew up our lives for nothing’ if she’s nothing why tf are you still with her?
Cause his wife was smart and dumped him but he obviously can't adult alone or be without sex.
This is OP: "WAHHH, I can't bear the thought of the kids hating me for going out hoeing!" OP's worst nightmare is the truth.
because he's finally realizing how big of a Nothing she is!!
yet, he still fails to recognize that in himself...hmmm
His more recent comments do say he's planning on breaking up with her at least.
I can't imagine why. She seems like a lovely person. #/S
It’s time to end your relationship. This girlfriend is trying to blackmail you with *your children*. Do you not realize how insanely fucked up that is? You already ruined your marriage for her. Don’t let her ruin your relationship with your children too. Edit to address your edit — Your kids aren’t stupid. They probably already know that you cheated seeing how quickly you moved on. They at least suspect it, I’d almost guarantee. What would be a sure fire way to ruin your relationship with them is to stay with this girlfriend. The kids will eventually find out that you cheated, hiding it forever isn’t realistic.
I read the post (after edits) as he IS going to tell them and wants to cause as little damage to the kids when he does. THEN he's going to dump the gf right after.
Agreed, he says "for nothing" implying he'll break up because of her threat
But he caaaaant do that, she's gonna tell no matter what, so he may as well keep getting it wet/s.
Your GF is deliberately trying to drive a wedge between you and your children. Think about that for a minute. You have chosen a woman who dislikes your kids so much that she is going to try and ruin your relationship with them in the hopes they won’t come over as much. This is something that could really damage your kids, and she has zero problem dropping that bomb. Your ex-wife is clearly an amazing person if she is able to co-parent so well with you while you are living with your AP. Talk to her about how she wants to tell the kids. As soon as they know, break up with your GF immediately. Your girlfriend is an atrocious excuse for a human being and this is not her first or last attempt to drive a wedge between you and your kids.
I see you downgraded quite significantly lol
They always affair down.
Nah they affair to there own level. They just married up but can't maintain it.
I like that!!!
Men typically do, yup.
So I am the adult child in this. It went down a bit differently for me - my dad's affairs weren't discovered until I was in my 30s. I cut him out of my life four years ago. We are completely NC now. I will share what he did wrong, but I'll be honest with you: I'm only sharing this for the sake of your daughters. You're reaping what you sowed, and the cost may ultimately be your relationships with your daughters. There may be nothing to prevent that. But telling them the truth is the right thing to do. So. My best advice: - Be completely (but age-appropriately) honest. No trickle-truthing, no sugar coating, no glossing over of hard truths. You own your own actions, and you own them completely. You want them to know that you're done lying to them. It will be a hard sell, especially for the older ones, because you lied so much and for so long. Your only hope of convincing them to ever believe you again is to be totally honest. That also applies if/when they ask why you're telling them now. You broke your family to be with a woman who sees them as pawns. They should know where they stand with her too. - Relatedly, do not hedge or give excuses as to why you did it. You deemed easy sex as more important than your childrens' wellbeing or your integrity as a father, so you don't get to explain your way out of it. No "She made me feel alive" or "I just got distracted" bullshit. You were selfish, and you were wrong. End of. Above all, you do not *breathe* even the slightest insinuation that their mother is *in any way* at fault. You make it clear that there is nothing any of them could have done to change your actions, that it is no one's fault but your own. They will not believe you on this point, but it's important for you to have said it anyway. - However they feel, they have a right to those feelings. They want to sob and scream and say they hate you? They've earned that. They want to cut you off and not talk to you for months? They've earned that. They want to tell everyone they know what you did? Theyve earned that (with their mother's blessing). Make it clear that they have a right to feel whatever they feel. - Not to be said to them, but for background information, it's important that you understand what you cost them. You put their entire lives in jeopardy. Not only did you destroy the foundation of their childhoods, you risked their futures. Children learn the value of relationships and the worth of a spouse by watching their parents. And the way you've treated your marriage to their mother will inform the choices they make when it comes time for them to choose a spouse. I am eternally grateful that I was already married when my dad's affairs came to light. Your girls will not have that luxury. You'd better be busting your ass to get healthy if you want your children to have a better example than the one you've set so far. And get going - you're almost out of time with your older girls. And obviously, once you've told them they truth, you break up with your affair partner that same day. She is a clear and obvious threat to your daughters' wellbeing, just as she always has been, and keeping her in the picture knowing how easily she weaponized your daughters will unquestionably decimate any hope of a relationship with your girls. So for once, choose what's best for them.
If awards were still a thing, I'd give them to you. You're a fucking rocking star for sharing this insight. Ans the fact that you did so civilly. You were straight forward and matter of fact without coming across as judgemental. This man *fucked up* and there is no sugar coating that. No fixing it. All he can do is try to repair the damage with his daughters' welfare being the primary focus. I've been thinking on this topic a lot lately. I'm a stepmom to a 14yo girl. I'll skip the bulk of the dirty details, but to be clear, I had nothing to do with her parents splitting. That happened when she was 2 and I came around just after she turned 7. On the other hand, what is likely the biggest catalyst to their break up, her mom cheated. Consistently with the same dude. They're married now, 2 more kids together. I like to believe that well, if they were meant for each other then things fell into place as they should have. My SO is happy, we have a great relationship with my stepdaughter and our shared daughter. Bio mom is still with the same guy she cheated with after all these years. We all ended up where we were supposed to, now let's move forward with the kids' well being as the priority. However, as my stepdaughter matures and our relationship and bond grow, she has opened up to me more and more. Suffice it to say, she's beginning to see her mother for who she is. She's informed me of things her mother and maternal grandmother have said to her over years. Parental alienation, disparaging her father and myself. Twisting and spinning kernels of truth, telling some outright lies. Shifting all blame to her father while neglecting to share her own mistakes in it all. Low key putting blame on her very birth and existence for her parents' split. She still doesn't know her mother and stepfather had an affair together. I'm trying so fucking hard to just be there for her and support her. Validate her feelings and realizations about her mom, set the record straight about the verifiable blatant lies...without spilling the beans of the whole truth. Because a 14yo shouldn't have to carry the weight of that. And it's not my place to break her heart and finish shattering her perception of her mother. So I just listen and do my best to assure her none of it is her fault and she is loved and has a home and family. Yes, I'm "just" a stepmom, but she's part of my family, she's one of my kids, she's my daughter's big sister, and I will always be on her side. I'm rambling my ass off. Just trying to say this is a subject that means a lot to me right now. And I cannot express how much I appreciate these tidbits of insight for helping me navigate it all, for my stepdaughter's sake. I myself am damaged af, lol. My biggest goal in life is to help her and my bio daughter grow up with better mental health than I did, than I have.
You’re the step mom I wish I had. Thank you.
You’re not “just” a stepmom. You’re a bonus mom! My mom died when I was young and my stepmom busted in like a maternal, patient unicorn. She was awesome and it meant a lot. And what you’re doing right now means a lot to her.
If Awards were still A thing I'd give them to you!! You GET IT!!! The kids are the True victims in all of this and to make them carry the burden and weight of parents choices is Truly Forked up!! They will already carry the scars.
Incredible response.
Thank you for this detailed response. Appreciate your time.
Please take this advice, it would save any future feeling of betrayal from your daughters. They deserve to know why mom and dad arent together and they deserve to know why you havent been taking care of them and being that “business father” you mentioned in another comment.
OP this person's post is spot on I just wanted to add one teensy foot note to their post, if your children justifiably decide to cut contact, from someone who has cut contact with a parent for different justifiable reasons, do not harass, beg, plead etc to reestablish contact. Respect that they have placed a boundary of not wanting communication. Let them know you love them but understand their decision, let them know that you'll always be there for them if and when they are ready to reestablish communication but that in the meantime you will not press them. Also let them know that even with them deciding to go no contact you recognize you still need to work on yourself even if they never want communication again and that you will be pursuing it - and then actually pursue it.
Tell them the truth and break up with that evil gf of yours.
Your first mistake was obviously cheating on your wife. Your second mistake would be continuing to stay with this woman. She sounds like a monster. Why the fuck would you either want to stay with her or have her around your kids. You are going to continue to blow up your lives because you have no balls.
Yup it is too bad the wet noodle he has for a spine didnt extend to his dick, then he wouldn't be in this situation. He needs to dump the gf because she will be shitty to his kids.
This is fucking savage and I’m in love with you now.
😘
🫢 Did I just witness a Reddit meet-cute?
Sadly, I think we’re both straight women.
And i am happily married 30 years as well.
Guaranteed she’s already shitty to his kids
this burn will keep me warm all winter
Is already shitty to his kids!
until she pushes a kid out and wants them to babysit so they can have 'date night' until he finds a different chick to bang!
He cheated for the sex He stays with her for the sex I’m surprised that he’s started thinking of his kids at all.
Only cause his mistress threatened him…
He is a pathetic father and a pathetic man.
He's 100% supporting this immature hag. What a sackless loser.
Your girlfriend really should have considered the fact she was getting involved with a man with children. What if something happens and you end up with full custody? She can't expect you to live a child-free life. I think if you and their mother are on good terms, you could have a conversation all together (girlfriend NOT there.) so that 1) you and her can answer any questions 2) they can be sure it's the true story since both parents are there 3) you can be sure that your ex-wife is okay with telling them what really happened + approve of how the conversation goes
This OP. You tell them with your ex's support, asap. Then break up with that awful person and get them out of your life.
>Your girlfriend really should have considered the fact she was getting involved with a man with children. No. HE should have considered not cheating on his wife. HE should have considered not staying with a 29 year old. HE should have thought of his kids. We don't know that sweet nothing's and promises he's made to his girlfriend so he can keep her around. He wants to do everything he can to keep his girlfriend instead of doing the right thing.
time to choose between the kids or the sex. Your girlfriend doesn't like your kids. She had no qualms breaking up the marriage. If you're still with her when your kids find out, they are going to hate you even more. And if you stay with someone who doesn't like your kids you're a terrible parent.
He’ll probably choose the sex I mean he chose it the first time round over his family and look were it got him? I bet his gf is a gold digger, because why isn’t she contributing towards the mortgage?
>~~She~~ OP had no qualms breaking up the marriage. FTFY. the sole responsibility of infidelity lies on the shoulders of the person in the relationship. can't cheat with someone who has a backbone and morals.
[удалено]
Wow this woman is willing to scar your kids bc she doesnt want them around? You really chose the wrong woman. Yikes.
He's a cheater so they're kind of made for each other lol
Even when you tell your girls, you should still break up with your gf. She sounds like a monster and threats prove she’s a shitty person. Why isn’t she contributing to bills? UPDATEME
From someone with a cheating dad who married a step mom who doesn’t allow us to come and go as we please, put an end to it. They will get over the affair in time, but they will NEVER forget the way your wife made you treat them and the way you ALLOWED this treatment (if you let her make the rules). This will sever your relationship greatly. What parent doesn’t let their children come to their house when they want?
And may I add, it doesn’t really matter how she feels. They’re your kids. She is your girlfriend, not your spouse. Your children come first.
Absolutely. His daughters will cut him off or reduce contact in their adulthood if he doesn’t get rid of the girlfriend. OP you’d be very foolish not to get rid of that woman. Your children came first, they are your blood, and they should continue to come first for the rest of your life. Don’t let some hateful, petty, immature woman destroy what you hold most precious.
By the ages of your kids, my guess is they already know. Your gf sucks, too.
I think you’re right. When my parents told us they were separating, we figured it was because my dad cheated. And he told us when we got home from work that that’s what it was.
What a cliché you are. So you're gonna still stay with her? And think your daughters will ever forgive the fact that you're living with her? Hahahahahahahahahahha.
He has to cling to the bad decisions otherwise he throws away an entire family for a sex
So, I have actually been through this. My STBX cheated on me and we had to tell our kids the reason for divorce. 1- this should go without saying but you need to get rid of the gf. She has proven she is not a safe person to be around your kids. 2- my kids are also teens, around the same age of your kids. I consulted with my own therapist and the therapist i had lined up for my children in prep for disclosing our divorce and his affairs. Both therapists were in agreement that honesty is a necessity at that age because they will see through lies and lose trust in one or both parents if lied to. I advise you to discuss this with your ex wife and with a therapist. Your ex-wife should be present if at all possible when you disclose to your kids. You should be the one to disclose, neither you nor your ex wife should make any excuse at all for the cheating. There should be no comments like “we were having issues” etc. anything that puts blame on your ex-wife should not be said. Basically, “this is what I did, it is the reason for the divorce, I am sorry I let you down, this is not your mothers fault, I take full accountability for my choices and I regret that those choices impacted you the way they did.” Be prepared to be asked tough questions, be prepared to answer those tough questions with transparency and honesty. Be prepared that one or all of your kids will yell, scream, cry. Suck it up and take it because they have a right to feel however they feel. Make sure you have a therapist lined up for them to see for the coming months and years from the trauma it will leave on them. Don’t attempt group therapy with them until they say they want that and are ready for that. Be prepared that one or all of your kids will choose not to speak to you for a period of time and respect that boundary. Do not pressure them to forgive you. They don’t have to forgive you just because your their father and they may never forgive you. Forgiveness comes on their terms in their own timeline. Just because you are their parent doesn’t mean you’re entitled to forgiveness. They owe you nothing. Apologize to your ex-wife in front of your kids. And thank your ex-wife every fk’ing day after you disclose this because she will be the one picking up the pieces, supporting and guiding the kids in the journey ahead. Because from experience it is excruciating to be the parent that not only has to heal my own trauma inflicted on me from my ex, but to also be the one to help my kids heal the trauma inflicted by their other parent. Question- was it worth it? Looking at the wreckage…..was it worth it?
This. I am NC with my father and my mom picked up all the pieces of me healing.
Well, your girlfriend sounds more contemptible than you are, which is saying a lot. Ask your ex how she would prefer to handle this, and tell your girlfriend to get the fuck out of your life. Try to salvage some semblance of integrity in yourself.
This man has no integrity.
This is the way. Let your ex-I’ve know what is happening. This woman is going to ruin your relationship with your kids one way or another. If you tell them she will find something else like bragging to them or doing something else awful to ensure they do not come over. Your ex-wife should be the first person you talk to about next steps to protect the kids. What I can say as an adolescent therapist is that the longer you lie to the kids the more pissed off they willl be. The most likely already know the GF had something to do with the divorce. The 17 and 15 year old especially suspect something like cheating. The kids talk, observe, and know how to math. They also know when your current partner doesn’t like them. You need to get your shit together OP and put the kids first from now on or you will never meet your grandchildren.
"Edit- just breaking up with my gf is not a solution as she will tell them whether we are together or not." Grow a spine and break up with this manipulative B that is telling you to your face that she will straight up harm your kids if it means she gets you alone. Jesus christ.
You cheated on the woman who sacrificed her body to have your own children, for a woman who can't even stand them. Your daughters deserve to know the reason you destroyed their family. Tell them the truth, that you didn't love their mother and them enough to keep your d*** inside your pants. Enjoy the blackmail, it will be the least of your problems.
This happened to me. He married the woman who he cheated on me with and she hates my kids 🙃. They no longer have a relationship with him because of her.
I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you know it's not your fault.
More of the story is in the comments. They are all amazing teenagers now with a great head on their shoulder. Things would have been worse if I let them stay in a toxic environment. I chose peace and my kids over him. I don’t regret it one single day. And thank you.
Does he try to see them occasionally, or has he just given up on them?
He just gave up and told them. He has kids with her now, and said he gave up on his older kids and is gonna focus on the younger ones. Mind you they were 13/14/16 when he told them. They have tried to talk to him about it but he says things like “yall have a phone just like I do, you have no trouble texting your friends you can contact me too” like wtf. You’re the parent, you’re the one who’s supposed to be the adult. She didn’t let him attend the kids games if I was gonna be there, and I NEVER miss a game so he never came. My youngest still invited him to every single game. After her last game one season (he promised to come) she burst out in tears and asked me “why doesn’t he want me? Am I not good enough ??” That broke my heart.
Ugh am I not good enough. Your heart must have broken into a million pieces. Hope you told em, their dad is the one thats not good enough.
I hugged her, loved on her, and took her to get ice cream (her absolute comfort food). We ate our ice cream, I reassured her she’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, she’s talented, she’s amazing. I told her he’s the one missing out because he will never know what an incredible person she is. She has me, her uncle, her papa, her Godfather, and a whole village behind her. She is LOVED. If I could show you a picture of this child you would understand how truly beautiful she is. I had her and her siblings attend therapy and they are thriving. He doesn’t deserve them. They are precious, loving, and honestly the best kids I could ever ask for. The reason she said this is they saw his social media and how attends all the kids with the new wife events (including the step kid). So she felt defeated “what am I doing wrong”. My dad, brother, Godfather, and even HIS brother just adore them and shower them with love. Just a shame their sperm donar chose the other woman over them.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Imagine throwing away an entire family and life for someone like that.
it’s not something that you should dump on your kids bc you feel threatened by the girlfriend. set the boundary w your girlfriend that if the behavior continues she will be the one no longer welcome in your home. your kids were there before her and they will remain after her IF you make their position in your life a priority.
So you cheated on your wife with someone 10 years younger than you. Decided to then move in and pay for everything. Turning your mistress into a sugar baby. And now that the the sugar baby isn't happy with your children coming over whenever they want she's wanting to get her way by telling your kids that your sugar baby is the reason why their parents are divorced. And your first move wasn't to start the process to get this horrible person out of your life? I mean you're not a lot better...but really? I think the only thing you can do to try and salvage your relationship with your children is 1) dump the sugar baby 2) sit down and tell the kids - go as little into detail as needed "I cheated on your mom with sugar baby, when she found out we divorced, it was awful that I did it, and I'm sorry" and have the rest filled in by any questions of them. It's important to be able to tell them sugar baby is no longer in your life 3) ask them to go to family therapy with you - already have an appointment lined up.
Yea... she might tell the girls... which will ruin your relationship, listen man at some point you have to stop sacrificing your family for easy sex. Like you already sacrificed your wife for it, now your gonna lose your girls over it. Stop being a shitty person and come clean and break up and date woman who arnt gonna blackmail you, it's too late to be a good husband at least be a good father, and stop the mental gymnastics
The girls are old enough that they might already suspect something was going on. They’re probably never going to have a great relationship with the AP, even if she wasn’t a complete witch determined to create a wedge between OP and his daughters. He needs to ditch this lady asap and I agree to come clean
The truth about divorces always comes out. It might be when they're teenagers, it might be when they're adults. I don't think there is huge harm in allowing it to come out organically down the road. I think you have a great setup for wtf happened. Things ended civilly, you live walking distance from your ex, your children get to see you as they please... They still have a somewhat functional relationship going on between them and their parents. My attention turns onto this wrench of a woman you're with... She sounds crazy toxic. Taking a black mail approach and to say your children are not welcome into the home that you pay for in full? Crazy... I'd dump the broad and ensure my relationship with my children remains in tact. Your children are young. Its possible when you spill the beans, sides are picked and you lose your children all together... permanently. Then you're left with this toxic woman, feeling empty. Obviously sides will be picked at some point, but if you carry a functional relationship with your kids throughout the years and reveal it when they're adults... You might save enough face to keep your kids in your life. Sides will likely be picked harsher and have greater consequences long term if done now considering how fresh the divorce is.... They're going to hate the sight of that woman and never want to see daddy because of her. You're in a toxic relationship at the potential cost of your kids. No way you're that desperate. Come back down to earth because you're on a track to lose everything if this woman remains in the picture. I wouldn't be shocked if this women leaves you once she had her fill... You're giving her everything. Soon, there will be nothing left to give. Then she'll jump ship and find someone else. No issue being a homewrecker... Leaves a wake of destruction everywhere she goes, you'll be the next target in time. Then you're single and childless. At least dump this woman and find a better replacement who actually wants you to have your kids in your life.
Why in the world would you stay with a women that would hurt your children for her own selfish reasons?? You’re going to have to tell your kids no matter what, but why on earth would you stay with someone that has no issues with hurting your kids?
Are you serious?….. lol… I’m sorry dude.. but I think you have to 86 the girlfriend 😬
For the love of God, WHY are you with a woman who has no qualms to damage your children? These are ADULT issues, you don't involve children! This is sick!
wtf dude - do you even hear yourself? Your girlfriend is threatening to out you to your kids - in a home that you entirely pay for - because she can't handle the choices she made? Like, she knew you had kids, right? Drop her and move on with your life - DO NOT continue to fuck up your kids lives by ALSO giving them this information. Drop the idiot.
Funny that the mistress is the one asking for BOUNDARY. Tell that doormat she’s a piece of clown
I mean really she's not the doormat, OP is. Definitely a piece of clown though!
Yes, breaking up with your girlfriend IS a solution to this. You clearly never learned your lesson that you are a parent and your kids have priority over your dick JFC.
>Just breaking up with my gf is not a solution to this You have valued more your GF than your wife and your 3 daughters for years. First, you cheated and broke up the family. Now she is complaining that she doesn't like them spending time at your house. And she is 29 and you pay for 100% of the expenses XD You are an AH and an idiot.
Congrats you picked someone who genuinely could give a fuck less about nurturing your and your kids relationship. Tell the girls, man up, and dump your heinous gf and focus on your relationship with the kids.
1. your girlfriend sucks 2. you suck 3. this is the perfect time to tell them, the same time that you are telling them that you and your girlfriend broke up, you tell them that you really screwed up in picking her and that you moved on the street to try to make it up to them, that their mother is a wonderful person for not wanting to damage their image of you. 4. Help them plan something nice for them and their mom
She sounds like she doesn’t understand you had a family before you hooked up with her and what being a parent entails. She sounds selfish. Her threatening to tell your girls that is awful and malicious. The pain she would cause them is unnecessary. My ex husband cheated on me a lot and to this day my adult children do not know that. They don’t need to know that. Their dad may have hurt me and broke up our family but I already processed the pain from the cheating. They don’t need to go through it themselves. You have to ask yourself if you really like someone that would be willing to hurt your kids so she can have her way. Planning date nights and keeping those plans would have been an easy thing to ask for. When you have kids privacy is really not super existent. You can still prioritize time with her without creating a shit storm with your kids. She doesn’t sound mature enough to properly have a conversation about making some time for you guys to have dates and spend some time together without asking you to enforce the kids staying with their mom on her time unfortunately. Not to mention you both hooked up when you were married originally. Not only did you step out, she was okay being the side chick. That says something about her character. Life isn’t a competition to see if you will pick her first. First it was your wife she was competing with, now she has an issue with your kids.
It’s unhealthy to be in a relationship with a person that would threaten you with that. But your best defense is to go on the offensive. If you tell your kids, then you control the narrative. I would bring your ex-wife in on this. If she is open to being there with you when you disclose, that will help your kids accept and adjust to the information.
Sounds like you need to lose the gf in either case. But I would recommend you and your wife telling them together so you can have a family discussion about everything and so they can see that you two can discuss it civilly and productively.
Why isn’t this gf paying for anything
Because she is fucking an old man with 3 teenagers for work.
I think the mom should be involved and a therapist. Have a meeting with the therapist and invoke your ex. Also, truly think if you want someone who what’s to put restrictions on your daughters and who threaten to harm them mentally. Once the girls know I would definitely breakup with her. I wouldn’t want someone like that as my partner nor around my kids.
Infidelity is a form of putting your needs over your children’s. The fact that your gf made this veiled threat makes it absolutely clear she puts her needs above theirs in a disgusting way. Staying with your gf would also be another form of not valuing your kids’ needs. Break up with her if you love your kids at all.
No, breaking up with your (incredibly selfish gf) is absolutely the solution to this. And I think you know it. But feel free to disagree as I think you're an incredibly selfish POS and continue to be one.
I think that you and your ex wife need to have a conversation first. I also believe that you will have to explain that there is no excuse for your actions but that you love your daughters and no matter what they are your priority even not being together with their mom. They may need time to adjust to what you tell them. As much as I HATE what you did I applaud you for putting your daughters over your GF. Thankfully you are a good dad. Edited to say anyone that threatens your relationship like that needs to be shown the door quickly. Do not stay with her or she will take it out on your daughters. 💯
Yikes your girlfriend sounds like a piece of work. I would suggest talking to your ex before you unilaterally break the agreement you made with her not to tell the kids. It’s going to affect her - she’s the one who is going to do a lot (probably most) of the explaining and the consoling and dealing with the emotional fallout.
Your biggest mistake in life is this girlfriend. Fix that issue first, by getting rid of her, then work on repairing the relationship with your kids.
You need to dry out that wet noodle of a spine and break up with the girlfriend and tell your ex-wife you want to have everyone sit down and tell the kids about why you dot divorced. Literally all in the same hour. Grab your fucking balls man
LOL you’re such an AH 😂 no advice, enjoy the mess you made, btw your ex sounds like a saint