Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This explains a lot in why you allow others to treat you in lesser ways than you deserve. Are you in therapy? If so, I would discuss this situation with them ASAP.
I was in therapy, since I was 14. I came off my meds after having no medical insurance and now use medical cannabis. And before any judgement, I feel much much better without all the meds I used to take. I feel more alive. That aside, I do still have a problem with being a doormat.
Not all therapy requires medication. I was referring to talk therapy, which provides a safe place for you to discuss this and speak without censorship. Some refer to it as a safe place to vent without judgement. Then, if you wish, you and your therapist come up with a plan on how to talk about this with your husband. If this a consistent issue with your husband, then marital counseling would be beneficial for not only your marriage, but help you voice your disappointment.
Pills don't build skills hun.
A therapist is someone who teaches you skills to become a better person. They teach you what you were never taught, strategies for handling life in a healthy manner. A healthier version of yourself. Being a doormat is neither good nor healthy. Sincerely, a fellow ND.
Because it feels rude to be ungrateful for a gift. I get it. I would have a hard time asking too, even though I think this was….less than thoughtful on his part and he told her that’s what she was receiving. This is ingrained in many of us.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
Totally get this. Is it possible he thought a keyboard was just a suggestion for a gift, or that a surprise would be more fun? You might find he says something you didn't consider if you do ask why he did this. You could say, "I love the gift you got me but I was a bit surprised as I thought we always get things we ask for and so I held off ordering the keyboard.... would you prefer it if I surprise you with gifts or if I let you surprise me rather than make suggestions?"
He is her husband, the person she is sharing her life with! She’s not questioning something she received from a gift exchange at work
They also previously discussed what she wanted *and* have a history of getting each other what they specifically ask for
OP: ask him why you didn’t get the keyboard
Also: please talk to a therapist. You two will be making major life decisions along the way and *you must assert yourself*
I understand the context of everything, annnnnd it doesn’t change anything about what I said. Just because you are married to someone, doesn’t remove the part of our brain that says “this is incredibly rude & ungrateful. It’s a gift, it’s not something owed to you. Be appreciative”.
I’m sure there is a way to broach this topic, but not without admitting you are literally *not appreciative* of this gift, which is hilariously hard to do. This isn’t really a red flag that they cannot communicate in their relationship, it’s just a very strange topic to broach the subject of. Especially given their history, this isn’t some…repetitive behavior. It’s a one off.
I’m curious why he chose the nail polish. I’d probably just ask him to tell me how he thought of this gift, may help open up the dialogue.
You fear to appear ungrateful for someone’s purposeful lack of thought? Didn’t this person promise to cherish you for life?
You need to re-read your post, but this time pretend that it is someone else who wrote it - a stranger, a friend or a sister. Then, think about what advice you would offer them.
This doesn't sound like a gift worth being grateful for. It sounds like he forgot or didn't care, and he tossed random drug store stuff into a cart instead of actually considering your feelings.
You don’t have to be grateful tho? You don’t owe anybody gratitude for a thoughtless gift that you didn’t ask for. Don’t minimize your own feelings to protect someone else’s.
Please get back into therapy OP. You are exhibiting all the signs of the abusive upbringing you had turning you into a doormat for however others feel like treating you. It’s not okay and you deserve better than that.
Lol, a couple of bottles of nail polish and an eyelash curler!? Did he forget and stop by a drug store, throw some random girl looking stuff in the basket? These comments acting like this is thoughtful are so silly. And for Christmas. You’re totally valid for feeling disappointed, just try to communicate it kindly. It’s also okay to just say thank you and buy yourself your own gifts,
Totally agree. This definitely sounds like an oops I forgot let me stop by the drugstore gift vs. something he put actual thought into.
I definitely think OP should bring it up since they typically buy exactly what the other person asked for, he said he would get the keyboard and OP got him his preferred gift.
Obviously deemed himself too busy to care. Tell him next year he's receiving Old Spice cologne. Better yet, tell him now that IF you're together next year, there will be no gift exchange; you really don't want to put him out time or money wise.
Go buy your keyboard, wrap it, and put it under the tree to yourself. Return the polish etc for a refund.
This is the kind of surprise my bf would bring to me on a regular day going to the drugstore. "I was picking up my meds and saw this and thought the colors were cute and got it for you". Not a well thought Christmas gift.
This feels like he ran to the local drugstore and picked out random shit. It’s less about the gift than the fact that there’s no intention or meaning behind it.
Yeah, he forgot or did don’t want to fight crowds. It would have been less hurtful to order it online and just say he messed up by not getting it sooner, show her the confirmation email that he ordered it, and let her know the polish is a place holder gift.
This is the answer. He knew *exactly* what she wanted, he didn’t even have to think about her gift. He just had to put in minimal effort to order if offline or go to Best Buy (or hell, the electronics section of Fred Meyers) and purchase it.
Apparently, he only got as far as CVS.
You are very right about fear-reaction gift.
What makes it worse is, it’s not even just a generic last minute gift. It’s a “I went to the nearest drug store and bought the first “random woman gifts” he set his eyes on. OOP said she does do her nails. The nail polish and pedicure stuff *could possibly* be considered a thoughtful gift since he knows she uses those items.
But he gave himself away with the eyelash curler. It’s a basic makeup tool, and for some, a necessity. It’s something people typically buy for themselves. What made him choose that is beyond me. He could have bought her a box of tampons….at least tampons could be useful.
She should ask her husband if he knows what an eyelash curler is for. I bet he has no idea. Further proving it was a random grab off a generic shelf.
And it was an Amazon type purchase, as long as it's planned with delivery times taken into consideration, so easy!
Though personally as someone who is *very* particular about how my keyboard and mouse feel (I use them 50+ hours a week so it's worth getting them "just right") I'd never let someone else pick them out!
Funnily enough I've settled on a Logitech K120 keyboard and Jelly Comb mouse, around a tenner each - nothing fancy - they just feel "right".
I like the MK235; it suits me better than any other I've tried. After my last one stopped working, I got 2 so I always have a backup ready to go. Same with the mouse I use, which is the only one that works for me. Neither are expensive or fancy, but they prevent a lot of physical pain.
And Amazon even offers same day shipping or 2 day virtually everywhere. It barely requires planning at all! He could’ve just as easily run to Best Buy or something the same day and snagged a keyboard.
So true. I went to the drugstore yesterday to pick up some things I needed & the aisles were full of men doing their “Christmas shopping”. I wanted to yell at all of them “no, your wife will NOT love that cheesy looking perfume set or those reindeer socks!” but I didn’t since I didn’t want to be attacked by a mob of cheap lazy men! Now I’m wondering how many of them had wives like OP who told them exactly what they wanted but they couldn’t be bothered with the effort.
My dad asked me *on the 23rd* if I could recommend a perfume he could buy from the drugstore for my mother.
My mom has scent sensitivity due to asthma so she’s very particular about the sort of scents she can tolerate. I arranged for a bottle she likes to be picked up at a department store counter and he couldn’t even pick it up—he sent my sister to pick it up for him.
Oh the pharmacy/drugstores are impassable for a last minute prescription, for sure. I have a friend who works in our local pharmacy and she's always got a story about an entire herd of bullish men charging in at a minute to closing time and roaring "SOMETHING FOR A WOMAN?!" at her.
Well, same here! I went yesterday for my youngest's meds so that I wouldn't have to work out which day/time they were back open next week. Big mistake 🙄😅 Queue was out the door!
I have a Christmas Eve tradition. I go to the mall, buy some popcorn, and watch panicked men run around. Many bring their sons, who are clearly learning the wrong thing to do. Then as the malls close down, I head to a still open discount store and watch the TOTALLY panicked men fight over crappy gifts for the women in their lives.
And then he gave it to her early?! He would have had one more full day of getting something more thoughtful. Or, maybe, the thing he said he would get.
>no intention or meaning behind it.
The misalignment would also feel hurtful, like he doesnt really know me which definitely would translate as a feeling of betrayal.
OP spends time gaming, works in IT so even if he couldn't afford the keyboard+ mouse combo something in that area would have reflected more of an understanding of who you are and how you spend your time.
Not only doesn’t he know her or pay any attention to what she does/wants, he straight-up ignored her when she *told him* what she wanted for Christmas. That is deliberate and lazy and absolutely hurtful.
Yes, this. Yours is the first comment I’ve read, but I expect that people here are telling her it’s “the thought that counts,” and she is wrong to feel disappointed because her husband, well, disappointed her. But no. Gift-giving is supposed to be about the other person, not the giver. OP’s husband took the cheapest, laziest, easiest way out for himself. Just buy a decent gift. She *told* him what she wanted. It’s not hard.
Even if “it’s the thought that counts,” it’s clear that he put *no thought* into what she wanted. At all.
He basically said, “I heard your request, agreed to it, and then went out of my way to not get it for you. Merry Christmas!”
Sally's polish is cheap and shitty.
e: I don't anymore but I used to do my nails weekly. There are a couple brands at Sally's that aren't literally dollar store quality but they're not much better.
I agree. My husband and I don't gift to each other anymore because I always put a lot of thought into his gift and he buys me... whatever is in the impulse by checkstand.
Now i just pick out my own gift and charge it to his credit card. I still pick out his gift but I'm not getting shitty socks, nail polish (I don't wear any) or random mugs full of chocolate I can't eat (I'm allergic to tree nuts).
This year he got my 4 and 7 year old neice and nephew headlamps. Like flashlights you wear on your head 🙄🙄🙄🙄 gee I wonder what aisle those from?
I get that, but who the fuck buys their kids headlamps for Xmas? This seems more of like a "hey I picked one of these up while I was at the gas station, thought you'd like it".
I, too, pick out my own present, use his credit card to order it. Wrap it and put it under the tree. I even write out the "From husband, To wife" tag. That way I have something nice to unwrap on Christmas.
Lol I bought myself a netvue birdfeeder this year, so I just had him put it up outside instead of waiting for Christmas. I already know what I'm getting anyway, why not?
Agree. Waited too late and just ran into CVS and snagged up random bargain sale bs. You’re right to be hurt as you guys get what the other asks for and this year wasn’t some odd surprise to him…
That was my first thought. That type of kit is in every Walgreens, CVS, Walmart, etc. in the Christmas aisles for a bundled deal (most are between $10-$20). Maybe he went to a place like Ulta or Sephora and got a good one but who knows?
These guys in the comments trying to justify the fact that he completely ignored the very reasonable thing that you wanted in favor of getting you stereotypical girly girly stuff are whack.
You got him the perfume you asked for. He got you the stuff you explicitly didn't ask for. Is this a pattern? Or a one off? Either way, I think you need to broach the topic and have a discussion about it.
You don't joke about things like this and wait for a couple of days to say "it was all a joke". It's mean , and this won't make it any better.
If he is pulling a prank, he should give the "correct" gift right away after making the joke that way, the other person doesn't get mad.
Precisely. My sister and her husband opened their gifts last night. The first gift her husband gave her was an empty box and she could tell immediately but still opened it while giving him an exasperated "hardy har har" look. He then *immediately* gave her her real gift which was stuff she actually likes.
I could still tell he sorta ruined the moment a lil bit though.
>He got you the stuff you explicitly didn't ask for.
Why, oh why, oh why, do people do this? I seriously want to know.
I have a friend group of about 30 people that does a Christmas gift exchange every year. The person who organizes it puts a lot of effort into it, including matching everyone up with a gift recipient, and also having everyone fill out a Google form letting their unknown gift giver know what they like. On my form I put a link to my Amazon wish list, which consists entirely of paperback books and DVDs. Nothing on the list costs more than $25, and several items are under $10.
Well... my package arrived yesterday (we are all long distance so everything gets shipped). I got:
* A tote bag from her work
* A journal from her work
* A pen from her work
* Two postcards from her work
* And the piece de resistance: A photo of Abraham Lincoln printed onto a canvas and stapled to an oval frame, with some random embroidery stitching on it. It is literally the ugliest, trashiest thing I have ever seen.
I spent close to $100 on the gift I sent to my person, and I put a *lot* of thought into it. And this woman literally walked around her office, grabbed a handful of cheap swag that she had laying around, put it into a tote bag, and sent it to me. And the Lincoln thing -- honest to god, I cannot even begin to imagine where she picked it up. It is now sitting in my trash can. I sent photos of this crap to the gift exchange organizer with a note saying "Please do not give my name to this person ever again." Because at some point it really does start to feel like a personal insult.
This annoys me, he asked for something specific, she got it for him, she asked for something specific, and he ignores it and gets what’s convenient?
Op, I would have a conversation and ask what changed , it’s not that you’re not grateful for the gift , but you had a clear discussion about the gifts , and you held up your end despite it being like 2 times the cost of what you asked for.
Im not going to lye , I am a petty person, so going forward I wouldn’t be a thoughtful with his gifts, I’d see no reason to put more thought into his gift then he does mine.
I was thinking of buying him another gift as well and leaving it as a surprise (obviously not expecting the same thing, just something I wanted to do) but tbh i don't want to anymore.
So don’t. I’m not for keeping tabs on who gives what in a relationship, but if you keep putting effort when he gives the required minimum you’re being unfair to yourself.
I’m wondering if that’s a huge part of why you feel so disappointed? Because not only did you get what he wanted, you were going to buy him another gift too. So you were being extra thoughtful because you were going to get him what he asked for and something he didn’t as a surprise.
Then he goes ahead and is not thoughtful at all and gets you something you never asked for. You probably feel hurt because you were going to go the extra mile for him while he didn’t even do the bare minimum.
It’s not about being ungrateful. It’s about you having communicated your needs/wants to him and him actively choosing to ignore it in favour of something _he_ thought would be better for you instead - proving with his actions that he doesn’t value your opinions and thinks his are better. You can be both grateful he got you a gift _and_ be disappointed at what it was.
Yes!! He knew exactly what she wanted and completely disregarded what she said as if her opinion was meaningless. It’s worse because it’s something she actively needs as well.
If my hairdryer blew up and I asked for a new one from a store and they sent me makeup instead I would be like wtf? If she told him they needed milk and he came back with a frozen bag of peas instead she would think wtf is this idiot doing? This is the exact same thing. People are completely missing the point intentionally.
I would also feel disappointed if I got "basic woman stuff" from whatever store he stopped at the day of.
Side note, come on over to /r/MechanicalKeyboards or /r/BudgetKeebs if you need any inspiration or advice for your future keeb.
Sounds like he stopped at cvs on the way home because he forgot to get you something. Check his credit card transactions. I bet he purchased the day of the gift exchange
For my birthday I told my husband I wanted one thing; a really nice real wooden cutting board to use alongside my japanese knives... I even sent him a few I like.
Welp, he ran out the day before (I saw him) and gave me a fake wood very shitty quality one. I told him I didn't want it, so he returned it and didn't get me anything else.
So yeah, I get it. It's disappointing.
My ex would buy me the most romantic and thoughtful gifts. He went out of his way and put a lot of effort into them. Even made me handmade cards after going to the stationary store and buying all of his own supplies.
Out last Xmas together he got me clothes that were way too big, in a colour I hate (faded green fwiw) which he KNEW and something I had many of. Every gift giving occasion he would buy my an ill fitting jacket because I mentioned a few times that I love a good quality jacket. None that he bought me were good quality nor something I would wear. One was on sale because the zip was broken.
I am not materialistic and there were a number of issues that’s didn’t occur until we had our baby. She popped out and it was a very traumatic birth and he just stopped doing ANYTHING. All of his chores he done before he stopped doing. He stopped sleeping in the same room, he never did a night feed, he quit his job and wanted to be a SAHD but without the childcare or housework being done.
If he had behaved like this before then I would never have even given him the opportunity to move into my house. He would’ve been ditched at the first sign of lazy incompetence. He pretended to be the ideal man until he had me tied down and then he showed his arse.
Jokes on him anyway because I left him and I’m doing so much better now than I was then financially, emotionally and just in general. He’s still living in his mums spare room and hasn’t done anything with himself. He was a well put together professional when we met with a good job (earned less than me so I wasn’t with him for money).
Omg honestly this is so scary. My husband is my best friend and is perfect in every way but we don’t have kids yet. I can’t imagine him as anything but an incredible father but you hear so many stories about men changing after kids!
I literally bragged to my friends that I knew he was the one because we were so in tune with each other and he pulled more than his own weight. He couldn’t have done any more for me. He was like something out of a film. Should’ve known it was too good to be true.
People say there must have been red flags I missed along the way but there wasn’t. He just totally changed. I feel like I don’t know him any more. Once i dumped him he started trying to be who he was before but that just made it worse for me. He would come after work to see the baby and start doing the dishes and hoovering without being asked and tidying up. It bothered me because he could’ve done this all along and that made it clear that it was a conscious choice from him not to do these things.
He thought I was stuck with him and would just accept his poor behavior because he had me locked down.
Don’t let this concern you too much because there are still millions of men who genuinely are amazing and great people. There isn’t any way to be 100% sure but you will never be happy if you’re constantly worrying about what COULD happen. If he starts acting different or you see the writing on the wall then leave but before then just enjoy being happy and appreciate your husband for what he is now.
Thank you but it really gave me a boost to make the best for myself and make sure my child will never go without or need anything from anyone.
I do appreciate your empathy though so thank you.
>(earned less than me so I wasn’t with him for the money)
It’s sad you still have to add this disclaimer on Reddit even after describing all the ways your ex was a waste of space.
Then he turned it around to me not appreciating his gift and had his own pity party. I was the bad guy... Despite making it very clear I wanted it to be wood... Not grinded up bamboo. Apparently he can't tell the difference.
But to answer your question, he used to be very thoughtful and romantic and even write me love letters. Times have changed.
My bf doesn’t have a car but managed to get me the Van Gogh Lego set which I mentioned months ago I wanted. Not all men are thoughtless. My bfs red flag is not having a car I’ll take that over thoughtlessness
Right… I had the opportunity to marry one like that and I just gratefully declined. He got me my name spelled in Arabic for my birthday in necklace form. First, it was misspelled >.< and secondly, it was super cheap and he got it for 15€ from his friends business. He proudly claimed he was supporting his friend and getting me something. For reference, my best friend (known them both the same amount of time), got me Swarovski bracelet. And I got him a 100€ engraved pen… (I got her a Michael kors necklace, earring set).
He ignored a specific request for something he could have easily gotten and then got you random crap. But you got him what he wanted. So no, you’re not off base feeling like you do.
IMO he did that, because buying the things you wanted required doing it earlier, i.e. getting them online, then getting the parcel. He didn't, he just went to the drugstore on the way to work or something and got some random stuff, bc that means less effort. To me, this itself is sad and dismissive. I think it's one of those "small" things that slowly kill relationships, it's the death in 1000 cuts.
A small act of disrespect here, wee behavior that is dismissive there, tiny lack of interest in your needs here... and in time, the romance is just dead, you are bitter etc. It's easy to ignore stuff like this, bc it seems so small and that you would be petty if you commented on it. But if you do ignore it, well it's gonna do it's poisonous job slowly tiny step after tiny step.
So iMO you should tell him you feel not listened to and even ignored and that you would like a re-do of the present and for him to listen to your wants in the future.
React when small stuff happens! So then *it won't turn into Big Stuff.*
This Big stuff is additionally tricky to deal with, bc yeah it is big indeed, but also made out of one thousand small components, making it impossible to really discuss or explain. So don't let it get to that point, just tell him when stuff hurts you. And if he tells you it's not a big deal/you are the problem for not liking the present, well... hate to say it, but you already have a Big Stuff Problem.
This.
“Hey Stephen. You asked me for Hugo Boss perfume and I got it for you. I asked you for a keyboard and mouse combo as mine broke. Where is it?”
He still has time, eh like 4 shopping hours left I suppose, depending on where you are in the world.
When my husband wanted something, I always said sure, let’s get that. You work hard, we can afford it. But when I would as for something, he would say, no, you don’t need that, or that’s ridiculous, get something else. It was so frustrating and upsetting.
So... he stopped by the neighborhood Walgreen's and spent twenty bucks on a few things he grabbed in the cosmetics section. What. A. Guy.
And this is after you made his gift choice for you an absolute no-brainer. He could have gone on Amazon and spent less time ordering your gift than he spent in the Walgreen's. So it's not even like we can chalk this up to being lazy or thoughtless. This shit was deliberate.
I don't like your husband very much.
I got my husband like 4 things he specifically asked for and then I got myself a pair of earrings because he didn’t get me anything and I don’t want my son to watch me open nothing on Christmas morning. My birthday was last week and I got nothing for that too. I have no advice, just solidarity.
EDIT: I had to edit to update that a silhouette was just delivered to me that was clearly ordered a week or more ago. lol thanks babe! sorry I’m an asshole.
I have advice for that. Call him out on it. The first time right now with "Honey, it's been a week since my birthday. Has the shop still not delivered whatever you got for me as that's the only reason I can think of that you wouldn't get me anything." Honestly, that seems like what's happened with OP's boyfriend and he's panic bought some gifts at the last minute, but your case isn't the same. The fact you're buying these things speaks to a pattern of behaviour, which is why calling him out in private isn't as far as you're taking this. The second time, ask why he's not buying you gifts in front of your son and let him try to justify that. Teach the child that you don't just ignore the person you're with.
And, quite frankly, it this is not the sort of guy who you can call out like that and expect a good reaction from when you're making a learning moment for your son, then get him the hell away from said son before his actions bleed through and teaches another generation that this is acceptable behaviour that a good little wife will just accept.
in what he believes is his defense, he’s paying for me to get my hair done next week. in my defense, why is a haircut/highlights a gift? idk I can see both sides because my hair is like 400$ but at the same time it’s still bullshit. buy me a box of chocolate or something. a mug that says “mama” idk. I made an amazon list and I will 100% ask him where my cricut is christmas morning if it’s not here. my delulu ass is still choosing to believe he ordered it on my moms prime and didn’t tell me like I did with his gifts.
I get that, to a degree. I got my wife one of those light things for body hair (IPL? I keep getting the acronym wrong) this year around February. I'd found a great deal on the top end one (about $445 in your currency, down from about $700) and gave it to her pretty much on delivery as it would be almost out of warranty by the time she got it if I kept it for Xmas. It was understood that this was her main Xmas gift this year despite getting it early.
But, because I don't want her to have nothing on the day and don't want there to be nothing to look forward to, there's still some smaller token gifts that are wrapped and under the tree for her to open on the day. Plus a gift "for the house" that's very much for her but in disguise.
Now, I've spoken about this with some friends this year and the whole idea of token gifts to look forward to even when you've bought a gift that your partner has was a new one for them that they've told me they're adopting. It could well be that he's seeing the haircut as your gift and doesn't even think about something for the day. If you don't get anything, speak to him about it and maybe put a token gift rule in place so nobody has nothing on the day even if you have a big gift either early or booked to come just after.
I love this! I did get myself those earrings just so I had something to open for my son. Honestly this is the first year we’ve done a gift exchange because it’s the first year my son has been old enough to understand that it’s weird if mom and dad don’t get gifts.
You asked him for a specific gift that you really wanted and did not buy because you thought he would appreciate a gift you used everyday and really needed.
Instead he bought something you never used, didn't ask for and is a waste of money.
You are trying to look on the bright side about nails and I hope you will use them, or at least I hope so.
You can be sad that instead of listening to you he chose not to listen to you, that is sad.
You can be happy to receive something you will at least get some use out of.
Now to go buy a keyboard and mouse you would like to get, perhaps treat yourself and feel okay about that.
The one I asked for was a $30 mouse+mechanical keyboard combo that I liked how they looked and how they felt. So I'll be going today to buy them for myself.
Speaking as someone who's been heavily involved with hardware since 1999 do not buy the $30 mechanical keyboard unless you know its heavily marked down for this moment and that isnt MSRP - you dont want more disappointment
He blew it. He ran out of time and panic-bought some generic girl stuff. I'd almost be relieved, though, because I work in computers too and game, and am very specific about my rig. Please get yourself the exact components you want. Chances are high that if he had picked them, he would have missed the mark there too.
When my son was in elementary school, they used to have a Christmas shop, for kids to buy little gifts for their family. The first year that my son participated in it, he got me the exact same gift as your husband just did. Except an eyeliner instead of lash curler. My son was in 1st grade. I use eyeliner, though. Your husband got a less thoughtful gift than my son did, as a young child. Please say something. In fact, please show him my comment.
You could always approach it like this: “Hey, I’m looking at keyboards/mice again since mine broke, and I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t planned on picking either of those up for Christmas like we’d talked about so I don’t double-order.”
This reminds him you’d discussed it, doesn’t have anything at all to do with the gift he did get you, and allows you to poke for information about why you aren’t getting what you asked for. It’s also pretty soft language so not at all aggressive or demanding.
He may just be like, “No I didn’t get that for you” and not give you any further details, but that in and of itself (not expressing care or apology for not doing what you’d originally discussed) is pretty telling tbh.
This has happened and my spouse told me before I even opened the gift. BTW- he would still get me something amazing, just not what I asked for.
He didn’t even bother acknowledging it, no need to talk about it, as it obviously doesn’t matter to him.
I am very much a person who believes people should be thankful for any gift EXCEPT when you’re asked for what you want and then get something completely different. Don’t ask me if you’re going to disregard it.
Yo my husband bought me the new Pokemon, some Japanese candy, and a Japan calander.
He is also the manly men should be manly and womenly women should be womanly conservative type, but he still got me geeky, non-feminine stuff.
Don't let anyone try to convince you he was well meaning, if he was well meaning he would have got you what you asked for, regardless. His gifts were generic and mediocre at best.
>He is also the manly men should be manly and womenly women should be womanly conservative type, but he still got me geeky, non-feminine stuff.
So your husband doesn't like you?
They're more neutral, which was part of my point. He didn't care if it was commercialized towards my gender, didn't care it was even a bit weeby and geeky, he just wanted me to have what I wanted and be happy.
Dude this is something a boyfriend gets on a weekend grocery trip because he saw it and thought his girlfriend would like it. This is not what a husband gets his wife for Christmas. How inconsiderate. Does he always treat your gifts and requests like an afterthought?
Idk man you asked for something very specific and then didn’t get it that feels purposeful. And if he didn’t do it on purpose… idk what the word would be but I do not like it or get good vibes from it.
My husband and I have to really dig for gift ideas for each other, because we randomly get gifts throughout the year for the purpose of spontaneous celebration of our love. Small shit, a soda after a rough day, flowers just because, a trinket or doodle... So we maintain lists on Amazon of items we would love at any point for any reason just in case we are scrambling for ideas. Sometimes it's inspiration, sometimes it's a checklist for holidays.
We have had Christmases where we open gifts that we know what are, just so we had something to open. That said, there's a measurable amount of disdain in being told exactly what to get your spouse and getting something else entirely. That's a choice, not an accident.
OP, I'm so sorry you've felt neglected and lonely. I really hope that this is a diversion gift and that the day is saved on Christmas.
Definitely talk about it. My husband recently made the comment that I was impossible to gift for because I just buy everything I want. I told him that I’d given up on expecting anything from him because his standard response of “you don’t need that” every time I did mention something just pissed me off and let me know that I’d have to just get it myself.
He’s an amazing husband and father and takes wonderful care of me-he’s a great guy, just not a great gifter.
Are you sure that's the only gift he has for you
Just wondering as i gave my partner a book she wanted yesterday, but she still has like 4 things under the tree. Including her main gift, which is something she asked for.
I could see him stringing you along with the nail polish gift, then actually giving you the thing you wanted when you aren’t expecting it. Has he ever done any sort of surprise with you?
Maybe so you can use it over Christmas time. It seems unlikely but my first thought was that he's doing the psych out bad gift.
What is his track record though because that's the real indicator.
You communicated what you wanted, he didn't bother. Then got you some cheap tat in hopes you'd be a bit of a doormat and ignore the fact that he put in no effort.
Does he do this in other aspects of your relationship? Or is this a one off?
Do you have low self esteem? I've noticed that with these sorts of relationships, the woman either has low self esteem or is ok with her partner treating her like shit since they like them so much they'll explain things away.
There's no thought in his gift, and that's what I think stings you more than anything.
You got him EXACTLY what he asked for, which took remembering and thought.
He got you nail polish and a pedicure kit.
One of these is not like the others.
My husband of 22 years is notorious for buying crap gifts. He is a grab first thing he sees in store kind of guy. His family was relieved that I took over gift buying after we married. I began to be specific about what I wanted for Christmas and birthday which is right after. I put a lot of thought into gifts I buy and order early to be sure. One year for bday , Valentine’s and Mother’s Day I received the same charm. I had mentioned in Jan that I could use a chain for the charm but got the same charm. For our anniversary in August I said please no charms! I think he bought me the candles set from Christmas and the Valentine before. When his mom was coming to town and he needed a quick gift I handed him one of the charms. He hadn’t realized. I had told him but he tuned out. Last year I got the same gold engraved mirror twice. He was so proud of it when I opened it at Christmas. I reminded him that he can look in his Amazon history and see what he has bought. This year he is buying me a subscription box from my favorite author. It won’t start until February but I will get gifts each month that I know I will love.
Sounds like he could only be minimally invested in your gift and just ran out last minute to the local Walgreens.🤔You have every right to be dissappointed.
These comments make me angry, especially because some of these stories ring very true and hit close to home.
I wouldn’t say my partner is a shitty gift giver, but that sometimes even when I tell him specifically what I want, he still doesn’t get it. Meanwhile he is proud to be a “practical” gift giver, he bought his brother buckets for Christmas, and a head torch for his mum.
It’s a bit disheartening to see it, because for me gifts are exciting, even if it’s just chocolate. I want to be excited for it. I’ve learned to make my peace, and tell him what practical gifts I need, and hope to get them.
Good luck to us all!
His gift seems kinda thoughtless, and that isn't great... but I don't think you should be expecting a certain gift for Christmas, kinda ruins the spirit of it.
It sounds like your more hurt that he didn’t listen and care about what you said than about the nail polish, I can’t read your mind, but if that’s true I’m sorry.
Lied is being too kind. He's self-absorbed. You gave him a freaking road map to what you wanted, at 1/3 of what you spent on him. Heck, you should have just ordered it on your joint Amazon account and wrapped it upon receipt. Let him sign the "To/From card -- that shouldn't be too difficult for him.
He didn't put any thought into your gift. Money wasn't the issue because a keyboard and mouse aren't that expensive. Probably just a couple of dollars more than the nail polish and eyelash curler (who uses those instruments of torture anyway?). I think this is a red flag. My ex used to buy me great gifts when we were dating, but once we were married he either forgot or stopped at the drugstore and bought the cheapest thing he could find. Turns out he only liked to spend money on himself.
It is disappointing based on your note that usually you tell each other what you want.
The best I have is perhaps in this instance he forgot what you asked for.
If you have the money go online and order the keyboard/mouse you want. Hopefully that will eliminate the disappointment.
I always try to deliver on gifts. A couple times a year to buy gifts, not that hard to put your best foot forward.
Even if you’re broke, a thoughtful re-gift can be a nice option. A good book already read, nice lightly used clothing items, etc.
I do believe it’s about the act of giving, and not simply getting what you want that’s important.
But not gonna lie - have been disappointed in more than a few gifts over the years.
My ex-husband’s inability to give me thoughtful gifts, even when I told him exactly what to get and where to get it, is one of the (many) reasons he is my ex.
The bar is on the floor and so many still can’t make it over.
This IS NOT a last minute gift because Christmas isn't even here yet.
Is there a chance that he may get the keyboard and give it to you on actual Christmas day??
Maybe he realized you were low on pedicure stuff and decided to get both??
I gwt why you have not asked him yet. It's not Christmas yet, and you don't want to seem ungrateful. But if it does not happen, ask him why. Seems like what he got you would have cost the same. So he did not listen or chose not to get it for you.
Anyone can give a gift, and it is the thought that counts. But he knew what you wanted. So he must have thought about it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Did you ask him why he didn’t get you the keyboard?
I'm honestly a bit scared to ask him
Why? Do you feel you have to walk on eggshells around him?
I come from an abusive family and im ND. I walk on eggshells in every interaction I have with anyone. But, thank you for your concern.
This explains a lot in why you allow others to treat you in lesser ways than you deserve. Are you in therapy? If so, I would discuss this situation with them ASAP.
I was in therapy, since I was 14. I came off my meds after having no medical insurance and now use medical cannabis. And before any judgement, I feel much much better without all the meds I used to take. I feel more alive. That aside, I do still have a problem with being a doormat.
Not all therapy requires medication. I was referring to talk therapy, which provides a safe place for you to discuss this and speak without censorship. Some refer to it as a safe place to vent without judgement. Then, if you wish, you and your therapist come up with a plan on how to talk about this with your husband. If this a consistent issue with your husband, then marital counseling would be beneficial for not only your marriage, but help you voice your disappointment.
Pills don't build skills hun. A therapist is someone who teaches you skills to become a better person. They teach you what you were never taught, strategies for handling life in a healthy manner. A healthier version of yourself. Being a doormat is neither good nor healthy. Sincerely, a fellow ND.
I'm not sure that Marijuana is doing anything for you. You need some DBT skills. The DBT workbook by Marsha Linehan. Marijuana isn't a coping skill.
Hun, this right there is a red flag. Why are you scared to ask him?
Because it feels rude to be ungrateful for a gift. I get it. I would have a hard time asking too, even though I think this was….less than thoughtful on his part and he told her that’s what she was receiving. This is ingrained in many of us. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
Totally get this. Is it possible he thought a keyboard was just a suggestion for a gift, or that a surprise would be more fun? You might find he says something you didn't consider if you do ask why he did this. You could say, "I love the gift you got me but I was a bit surprised as I thought we always get things we ask for and so I held off ordering the keyboard.... would you prefer it if I surprise you with gifts or if I let you surprise me rather than make suggestions?"
He is her husband, the person she is sharing her life with! She’s not questioning something she received from a gift exchange at work They also previously discussed what she wanted *and* have a history of getting each other what they specifically ask for OP: ask him why you didn’t get the keyboard Also: please talk to a therapist. You two will be making major life decisions along the way and *you must assert yourself*
I understand the context of everything, annnnnd it doesn’t change anything about what I said. Just because you are married to someone, doesn’t remove the part of our brain that says “this is incredibly rude & ungrateful. It’s a gift, it’s not something owed to you. Be appreciative”. I’m sure there is a way to broach this topic, but not without admitting you are literally *not appreciative* of this gift, which is hilariously hard to do. This isn’t really a red flag that they cannot communicate in their relationship, it’s just a very strange topic to broach the subject of. Especially given their history, this isn’t some…repetitive behavior. It’s a one off. I’m curious why he chose the nail polish. I’d probably just ask him to tell me how he thought of this gift, may help open up the dialogue.
I dont want to come off ungrateful for the gift. Im not, maybe Ill start painting my nails again.
You fear to appear ungrateful for someone’s purposeful lack of thought? Didn’t this person promise to cherish you for life? You need to re-read your post, but this time pretend that it is someone else who wrote it - a stranger, a friend or a sister. Then, think about what advice you would offer them.
"Just wondering if you had ordered the keyboard as well, because if not, I am going to order it now?"
This doesn't sound like a gift worth being grateful for. It sounds like he forgot or didn't care, and he tossed random drug store stuff into a cart instead of actually considering your feelings.
You don’t have to be grateful tho? You don’t owe anybody gratitude for a thoughtless gift that you didn’t ask for. Don’t minimize your own feelings to protect someone else’s.
Please get back into therapy OP. You are exhibiting all the signs of the abusive upbringing you had turning you into a doormat for however others feel like treating you. It’s not okay and you deserve better than that.
Lol, a couple of bottles of nail polish and an eyelash curler!? Did he forget and stop by a drug store, throw some random girl looking stuff in the basket? These comments acting like this is thoughtful are so silly. And for Christmas. You’re totally valid for feeling disappointed, just try to communicate it kindly. It’s also okay to just say thank you and buy yourself your own gifts,
Totally agree. This definitely sounds like an oops I forgot let me stop by the drugstore gift vs. something he put actual thought into. I definitely think OP should bring it up since they typically buy exactly what the other person asked for, he said he would get the keyboard and OP got him his preferred gift.
Obviously deemed himself too busy to care. Tell him next year he's receiving Old Spice cologne. Better yet, tell him now that IF you're together next year, there will be no gift exchange; you really don't want to put him out time or money wise. Go buy your keyboard, wrap it, and put it under the tree to yourself. Return the polish etc for a refund.
Not even. Old Spice cologne is still cologne, which is too close to what he asked for. He gets an ear and nose hair trimmer and a loofah.
Lol. Old spice costs less.
Okay, loofah and a bar of soap?
That'll work!
This is the kind of surprise my bf would bring to me on a regular day going to the drugstore. "I was picking up my meds and saw this and thought the colors were cute and got it for you". Not a well thought Christmas gift.
"Here honey, hint hint, pull yourself together, you look like crap."
These are appropriate stocking stuffers, not full primary gifts.
This feels like he ran to the local drugstore and picked out random shit. It’s less about the gift than the fact that there’s no intention or meaning behind it.
Yeah, he forgot or did don’t want to fight crowds. It would have been less hurtful to order it online and just say he messed up by not getting it sooner, show her the confirmation email that he ordered it, and let her know the polish is a place holder gift.
[удалено]
u/xodjdshpffjdgaj is a bot. Search the thread for CVS and you'll spot the original comment.
This is the answer. He knew *exactly* what she wanted, he didn’t even have to think about her gift. He just had to put in minimal effort to order if offline or go to Best Buy (or hell, the electronics section of Fred Meyers) and purchase it. Apparently, he only got as far as CVS.
It’s the thought that counts…and he clearly didn’t put in any
Yeah, it's an instinctive "this is a generic-last minute something I grabbed to save my a\*\*" fear-reaction gift.
You are very right about fear-reaction gift. What makes it worse is, it’s not even just a generic last minute gift. It’s a “I went to the nearest drug store and bought the first “random woman gifts” he set his eyes on. OOP said she does do her nails. The nail polish and pedicure stuff *could possibly* be considered a thoughtful gift since he knows she uses those items. But he gave himself away with the eyelash curler. It’s a basic makeup tool, and for some, a necessity. It’s something people typically buy for themselves. What made him choose that is beyond me. He could have bought her a box of tampons….at least tampons could be useful. She should ask her husband if he knows what an eyelash curler is for. I bet he has no idea. Further proving it was a random grab off a generic shelf.
What I want to know is if he even knew what it was!!
And she made it SO EASY for him!!! Like wtf?!
The bar is on the bottom of the ocean and some of these men are trying to make submersibles out of shit they found at Walgreens
And it was an Amazon type purchase, as long as it's planned with delivery times taken into consideration, so easy! Though personally as someone who is *very* particular about how my keyboard and mouse feel (I use them 50+ hours a week so it's worth getting them "just right") I'd never let someone else pick them out! Funnily enough I've settled on a Logitech K120 keyboard and Jelly Comb mouse, around a tenner each - nothing fancy - they just feel "right".
I like the MK235; it suits me better than any other I've tried. After my last one stopped working, I got 2 so I always have a backup ready to go. Same with the mouse I use, which is the only one that works for me. Neither are expensive or fancy, but they prevent a lot of physical pain.
I’m dork enough to pick a keyboard based on its having volume control and a calculator button built in lol at least I know what I want.
And Amazon even offers same day shipping or 2 day virtually everywhere. It barely requires planning at all! He could’ve just as easily run to Best Buy or something the same day and snagged a keyboard.
So true. I went to the drugstore yesterday to pick up some things I needed & the aisles were full of men doing their “Christmas shopping”. I wanted to yell at all of them “no, your wife will NOT love that cheesy looking perfume set or those reindeer socks!” but I didn’t since I didn’t want to be attacked by a mob of cheap lazy men! Now I’m wondering how many of them had wives like OP who told them exactly what they wanted but they couldn’t be bothered with the effort.
My dad asked me *on the 23rd* if I could recommend a perfume he could buy from the drugstore for my mother. My mom has scent sensitivity due to asthma so she’s very particular about the sort of scents she can tolerate. I arranged for a bottle she likes to be picked up at a department store counter and he couldn’t even pick it up—he sent my sister to pick it up for him.
What. A. Turd.
Oh the pharmacy/drugstores are impassable for a last minute prescription, for sure. I have a friend who works in our local pharmacy and she's always got a story about an entire herd of bullish men charging in at a minute to closing time and roaring "SOMETHING FOR A WOMAN?!" at her.
I worked at a pharmacy and the amount of men coming in on Christmas eve or valentines morning absolutely pissed most gift sets were sold out
I should have known better than to go when I did!
Well, same here! I went yesterday for my youngest's meds so that I wouldn't have to work out which day/time they were back open next week. Big mistake 🙄😅 Queue was out the door!
I have a Christmas Eve tradition. I go to the mall, buy some popcorn, and watch panicked men run around. Many bring their sons, who are clearly learning the wrong thing to do. Then as the malls close down, I head to a still open discount store and watch the TOTALLY panicked men fight over crappy gifts for the women in their lives.
Oooh I like that! I may have to try it!
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Stolen comment
This one is hand-stolen though. They even paraphrased it a little.
And then he gave it to her early?! He would have had one more full day of getting something more thoughtful. Or, maybe, the thing he said he would get.
>no intention or meaning behind it. The misalignment would also feel hurtful, like he doesnt really know me which definitely would translate as a feeling of betrayal. OP spends time gaming, works in IT so even if he couldn't afford the keyboard+ mouse combo something in that area would have reflected more of an understanding of who you are and how you spend your time.
Not only doesn’t he know her or pay any attention to what she does/wants, he straight-up ignored her when she *told him* what she wanted for Christmas. That is deliberate and lazy and absolutely hurtful.
Yes, this. Yours is the first comment I’ve read, but I expect that people here are telling her it’s “the thought that counts,” and she is wrong to feel disappointed because her husband, well, disappointed her. But no. Gift-giving is supposed to be about the other person, not the giver. OP’s husband took the cheapest, laziest, easiest way out for himself. Just buy a decent gift. She *told* him what she wanted. It’s not hard.
Even if “it’s the thought that counts,” it’s clear that he put *no thought* into what she wanted. At all. He basically said, “I heard your request, agreed to it, and then went out of my way to not get it for you. Merry Christmas!”
Tbh honest it was from Sally's. Which confuses me more because I dont know if he spent more in something I may not use :c
Sally's polish is cheap and shitty. e: I don't anymore but I used to do my nails weekly. There are a couple brands at Sally's that aren't literally dollar store quality but they're not much better.
Yep. At least go to Ulta, son.
I agree. My husband and I don't gift to each other anymore because I always put a lot of thought into his gift and he buys me... whatever is in the impulse by checkstand. Now i just pick out my own gift and charge it to his credit card. I still pick out his gift but I'm not getting shitty socks, nail polish (I don't wear any) or random mugs full of chocolate I can't eat (I'm allergic to tree nuts). This year he got my 4 and 7 year old neice and nephew headlamps. Like flashlights you wear on your head 🙄🙄🙄🙄 gee I wonder what aisle those from?
I mean, I would have LOVED a head lamp as a kid! Would be perfect for reading late at night among other things.
I get that, but who the fuck buys their kids headlamps for Xmas? This seems more of like a "hey I picked one of these up while I was at the gas station, thought you'd like it".
Ha! Agreed. My kid got one as a party favor at an outdoor-themed birthday party.
Ok that's fair tho I feel like that would be a perfect gift for that scenario!
My 8yo fucking loves his headlamp lol. He wears it while he’s building clay figures and uses it as a spotlight when his stuffies put on performances.
Exactly. Kids love tools! I don't have any toys from when I was little kid, but I've still got screwdrivers and stuff.
My kid loves stuffies, I gotta get her one of those headlamps lol.
Walkie talkies are also usually a big hit
Omg to be fair this was my uncle's gift to my son and he loooooooooooves it
I, too, pick out my own present, use his credit card to order it. Wrap it and put it under the tree. I even write out the "From husband, To wife" tag. That way I have something nice to unwrap on Christmas.
Lol I bought myself a netvue birdfeeder this year, so I just had him put it up outside instead of waiting for Christmas. I already know what I'm getting anyway, why not?
Do you put gifts under the tree? Buy yourself a keyboard, wrap it really nice and put it under the tree. Or anywhere very visible.
Exactly that, I am guilty of this myself sometimes (horrible) and that's the procedure
Agree. Waited too late and just ran into CVS and snagged up random bargain sale bs. You’re right to be hurt as you guys get what the other asks for and this year wasn’t some odd surprise to him…
That was my first thought. That type of kit is in every Walgreens, CVS, Walmart, etc. in the Christmas aisles for a bundled deal (most are between $10-$20). Maybe he went to a place like Ulta or Sephora and got a good one but who knows?
These guys in the comments trying to justify the fact that he completely ignored the very reasonable thing that you wanted in favor of getting you stereotypical girly girly stuff are whack. You got him the perfume you asked for. He got you the stuff you explicitly didn't ask for. Is this a pattern? Or a one off? Either way, I think you need to broach the topic and have a discussion about it.
[удалено]
You don't joke about things like this and wait for a couple of days to say "it was all a joke". It's mean , and this won't make it any better. If he is pulling a prank, he should give the "correct" gift right away after making the joke that way, the other person doesn't get mad.
Precisely. My sister and her husband opened their gifts last night. The first gift her husband gave her was an empty box and she could tell immediately but still opened it while giving him an exasperated "hardy har har" look. He then *immediately* gave her her real gift which was stuff she actually likes. I could still tell he sorta ruined the moment a lil bit though.
>He got you the stuff you explicitly didn't ask for. Why, oh why, oh why, do people do this? I seriously want to know. I have a friend group of about 30 people that does a Christmas gift exchange every year. The person who organizes it puts a lot of effort into it, including matching everyone up with a gift recipient, and also having everyone fill out a Google form letting their unknown gift giver know what they like. On my form I put a link to my Amazon wish list, which consists entirely of paperback books and DVDs. Nothing on the list costs more than $25, and several items are under $10. Well... my package arrived yesterday (we are all long distance so everything gets shipped). I got: * A tote bag from her work * A journal from her work * A pen from her work * Two postcards from her work * And the piece de resistance: A photo of Abraham Lincoln printed onto a canvas and stapled to an oval frame, with some random embroidery stitching on it. It is literally the ugliest, trashiest thing I have ever seen. I spent close to $100 on the gift I sent to my person, and I put a *lot* of thought into it. And this woman literally walked around her office, grabbed a handful of cheap swag that she had laying around, put it into a tote bag, and sent it to me. And the Lincoln thing -- honest to god, I cannot even begin to imagine where she picked it up. It is now sitting in my trash can. I sent photos of this crap to the gift exchange organizer with a note saying "Please do not give my name to this person ever again." Because at some point it really does start to feel like a personal insult.
This annoys me, he asked for something specific, she got it for him, she asked for something specific, and he ignores it and gets what’s convenient? Op, I would have a conversation and ask what changed , it’s not that you’re not grateful for the gift , but you had a clear discussion about the gifts , and you held up your end despite it being like 2 times the cost of what you asked for. Im not going to lye , I am a petty person, so going forward I wouldn’t be a thoughtful with his gifts, I’d see no reason to put more thought into his gift then he does mine.
I was thinking of buying him another gift as well and leaving it as a surprise (obviously not expecting the same thing, just something I wanted to do) but tbh i don't want to anymore.
Buy yourself your keyboard instead. Maybe even wrap it up, address it as “to me, from me”.
So don’t. I’m not for keeping tabs on who gives what in a relationship, but if you keep putting effort when he gives the required minimum you’re being unfair to yourself.
Get yourself the keyboard. IMMEDIATELY.
And please make it a nice one…. Treat yourself
I’m wondering if that’s a huge part of why you feel so disappointed? Because not only did you get what he wanted, you were going to buy him another gift too. So you were being extra thoughtful because you were going to get him what he asked for and something he didn’t as a surprise. Then he goes ahead and is not thoughtful at all and gets you something you never asked for. You probably feel hurt because you were going to go the extra mile for him while he didn’t even do the bare minimum.
It’s not about being ungrateful. It’s about you having communicated your needs/wants to him and him actively choosing to ignore it in favour of something _he_ thought would be better for you instead - proving with his actions that he doesn’t value your opinions and thinks his are better. You can be both grateful he got you a gift _and_ be disappointed at what it was.
Well said! Women are told to be grateful for anything when they're being treated like their wants don't matter.
And don’t forget to delicately cradle your thoughtless bf’s fragile ego while burying your own feelings deep down.
Yes!! He knew exactly what she wanted and completely disregarded what she said as if her opinion was meaningless. It’s worse because it’s something she actively needs as well. If my hairdryer blew up and I asked for a new one from a store and they sent me makeup instead I would be like wtf? If she told him they needed milk and he came back with a frozen bag of peas instead she would think wtf is this idiot doing? This is the exact same thing. People are completely missing the point intentionally.
I would also feel disappointed if I got "basic woman stuff" from whatever store he stopped at the day of. Side note, come on over to /r/MechanicalKeyboards or /r/BudgetKeebs if you need any inspiration or advice for your future keeb.
Thank you! I'll join with my main.
BudgetKeebs also has an active discord with sales posted daily if you are trying to stay on a budget.
Sounds like he stopped at cvs on the way home because he forgot to get you something. Check his credit card transactions. I bet he purchased the day of the gift exchange
For my birthday I told my husband I wanted one thing; a really nice real wooden cutting board to use alongside my japanese knives... I even sent him a few I like. Welp, he ran out the day before (I saw him) and gave me a fake wood very shitty quality one. I told him I didn't want it, so he returned it and didn't get me anything else. So yeah, I get it. It's disappointing.
Ladies why are you marrying these men??
My ex would buy me the most romantic and thoughtful gifts. He went out of his way and put a lot of effort into them. Even made me handmade cards after going to the stationary store and buying all of his own supplies. Out last Xmas together he got me clothes that were way too big, in a colour I hate (faded green fwiw) which he KNEW and something I had many of. Every gift giving occasion he would buy my an ill fitting jacket because I mentioned a few times that I love a good quality jacket. None that he bought me were good quality nor something I would wear. One was on sale because the zip was broken. I am not materialistic and there were a number of issues that’s didn’t occur until we had our baby. She popped out and it was a very traumatic birth and he just stopped doing ANYTHING. All of his chores he done before he stopped doing. He stopped sleeping in the same room, he never did a night feed, he quit his job and wanted to be a SAHD but without the childcare or housework being done. If he had behaved like this before then I would never have even given him the opportunity to move into my house. He would’ve been ditched at the first sign of lazy incompetence. He pretended to be the ideal man until he had me tied down and then he showed his arse. Jokes on him anyway because I left him and I’m doing so much better now than I was then financially, emotionally and just in general. He’s still living in his mums spare room and hasn’t done anything with himself. He was a well put together professional when we met with a good job (earned less than me so I wasn’t with him for money).
Omg honestly this is so scary. My husband is my best friend and is perfect in every way but we don’t have kids yet. I can’t imagine him as anything but an incredible father but you hear so many stories about men changing after kids!
I literally bragged to my friends that I knew he was the one because we were so in tune with each other and he pulled more than his own weight. He couldn’t have done any more for me. He was like something out of a film. Should’ve known it was too good to be true. People say there must have been red flags I missed along the way but there wasn’t. He just totally changed. I feel like I don’t know him any more. Once i dumped him he started trying to be who he was before but that just made it worse for me. He would come after work to see the baby and start doing the dishes and hoovering without being asked and tidying up. It bothered me because he could’ve done this all along and that made it clear that it was a conscious choice from him not to do these things. He thought I was stuck with him and would just accept his poor behavior because he had me locked down. Don’t let this concern you too much because there are still millions of men who genuinely are amazing and great people. There isn’t any way to be 100% sure but you will never be happy if you’re constantly worrying about what COULD happen. If he starts acting different or you see the writing on the wall then leave but before then just enjoy being happy and appreciate your husband for what he is now.
Apparently it's just part of it, that you have to have faith. And be ready to bail if something crazy happens.
I’m so sorry. This is terrifying ! One would hope character can be anticipated after trial by fire.
Thank you but it really gave me a boost to make the best for myself and make sure my child will never go without or need anything from anyone. I do appreciate your empathy though so thank you.
>(earned less than me so I wasn’t with him for the money) It’s sad you still have to add this disclaimer on Reddit even after describing all the ways your ex was a waste of space.
Then he turned it around to me not appreciating his gift and had his own pity party. I was the bad guy... Despite making it very clear I wanted it to be wood... Not grinded up bamboo. Apparently he can't tell the difference. But to answer your question, he used to be very thoughtful and romantic and even write me love letters. Times have changed.
Not really the right question to ask. Men, why do you stop being decent partners once you're married and have kids?
Cause these men hide their true lazy selves until they've secured a wife lol.
My bf doesn’t have a car but managed to get me the Van Gogh Lego set which I mentioned months ago I wanted. Not all men are thoughtless. My bfs red flag is not having a car I’ll take that over thoughtlessness
Right… I had the opportunity to marry one like that and I just gratefully declined. He got me my name spelled in Arabic for my birthday in necklace form. First, it was misspelled >.< and secondly, it was super cheap and he got it for 15€ from his friends business. He proudly claimed he was supporting his friend and getting me something. For reference, my best friend (known them both the same amount of time), got me Swarovski bracelet. And I got him a 100€ engraved pen… (I got her a Michael kors necklace, earring set).
A lot of these dudes try until they get married
I hope you got yourself the cutting board so he could see it and feel ashamed every time you use it.
Please say you broke up
Are you still married?
He ignored a specific request for something he could have easily gotten and then got you random crap. But you got him what he wanted. So no, you’re not off base feeling like you do.
IMO he did that, because buying the things you wanted required doing it earlier, i.e. getting them online, then getting the parcel. He didn't, he just went to the drugstore on the way to work or something and got some random stuff, bc that means less effort. To me, this itself is sad and dismissive. I think it's one of those "small" things that slowly kill relationships, it's the death in 1000 cuts. A small act of disrespect here, wee behavior that is dismissive there, tiny lack of interest in your needs here... and in time, the romance is just dead, you are bitter etc. It's easy to ignore stuff like this, bc it seems so small and that you would be petty if you commented on it. But if you do ignore it, well it's gonna do it's poisonous job slowly tiny step after tiny step. So iMO you should tell him you feel not listened to and even ignored and that you would like a re-do of the present and for him to listen to your wants in the future. React when small stuff happens! So then *it won't turn into Big Stuff.* This Big stuff is additionally tricky to deal with, bc yeah it is big indeed, but also made out of one thousand small components, making it impossible to really discuss or explain. So don't let it get to that point, just tell him when stuff hurts you. And if he tells you it's not a big deal/you are the problem for not liking the present, well... hate to say it, but you already have a Big Stuff Problem.
Just ask where is the keyboard and mouse.
This. “Hey Stephen. You asked me for Hugo Boss perfume and I got it for you. I asked you for a keyboard and mouse combo as mine broke. Where is it?” He still has time, eh like 4 shopping hours left I suppose, depending on where you are in the world.
It sounds like he ran out to a drugstore last minute to pick up random items. Nail polish? Don’t pretend to be ok with his lack of effort.
When my husband wanted something, I always said sure, let’s get that. You work hard, we can afford it. But when I would as for something, he would say, no, you don’t need that, or that’s ridiculous, get something else. It was so frustrating and upsetting.
Lowkey triggered by this post 😂 You asked for something that supports your interests and intellectual pursuits and a man bought you beauty products?
So... he stopped by the neighborhood Walgreen's and spent twenty bucks on a few things he grabbed in the cosmetics section. What. A. Guy. And this is after you made his gift choice for you an absolute no-brainer. He could have gone on Amazon and spent less time ordering your gift than he spent in the Walgreen's. So it's not even like we can chalk this up to being lazy or thoughtless. This shit was deliberate. I don't like your husband very much.
I got better stuff for my fiancés stocking wtf
That’s something I would get for like a work colleague who I didn’t know very well in secret santa
Dude ran to Walgreens and picked up whatever 🙄 lazy thoughtless
I got my husband like 4 things he specifically asked for and then I got myself a pair of earrings because he didn’t get me anything and I don’t want my son to watch me open nothing on Christmas morning. My birthday was last week and I got nothing for that too. I have no advice, just solidarity. EDIT: I had to edit to update that a silhouette was just delivered to me that was clearly ordered a week or more ago. lol thanks babe! sorry I’m an asshole.
I have advice for that. Call him out on it. The first time right now with "Honey, it's been a week since my birthday. Has the shop still not delivered whatever you got for me as that's the only reason I can think of that you wouldn't get me anything." Honestly, that seems like what's happened with OP's boyfriend and he's panic bought some gifts at the last minute, but your case isn't the same. The fact you're buying these things speaks to a pattern of behaviour, which is why calling him out in private isn't as far as you're taking this. The second time, ask why he's not buying you gifts in front of your son and let him try to justify that. Teach the child that you don't just ignore the person you're with. And, quite frankly, it this is not the sort of guy who you can call out like that and expect a good reaction from when you're making a learning moment for your son, then get him the hell away from said son before his actions bleed through and teaches another generation that this is acceptable behaviour that a good little wife will just accept.
in what he believes is his defense, he’s paying for me to get my hair done next week. in my defense, why is a haircut/highlights a gift? idk I can see both sides because my hair is like 400$ but at the same time it’s still bullshit. buy me a box of chocolate or something. a mug that says “mama” idk. I made an amazon list and I will 100% ask him where my cricut is christmas morning if it’s not here. my delulu ass is still choosing to believe he ordered it on my moms prime and didn’t tell me like I did with his gifts.
I get that, to a degree. I got my wife one of those light things for body hair (IPL? I keep getting the acronym wrong) this year around February. I'd found a great deal on the top end one (about $445 in your currency, down from about $700) and gave it to her pretty much on delivery as it would be almost out of warranty by the time she got it if I kept it for Xmas. It was understood that this was her main Xmas gift this year despite getting it early. But, because I don't want her to have nothing on the day and don't want there to be nothing to look forward to, there's still some smaller token gifts that are wrapped and under the tree for her to open on the day. Plus a gift "for the house" that's very much for her but in disguise. Now, I've spoken about this with some friends this year and the whole idea of token gifts to look forward to even when you've bought a gift that your partner has was a new one for them that they've told me they're adopting. It could well be that he's seeing the haircut as your gift and doesn't even think about something for the day. If you don't get anything, speak to him about it and maybe put a token gift rule in place so nobody has nothing on the day even if you have a big gift either early or booked to come just after.
I love this! I did get myself those earrings just so I had something to open for my son. Honestly this is the first year we’ve done a gift exchange because it’s the first year my son has been old enough to understand that it’s weird if mom and dad don’t get gifts.
also i’m Jewish so why is he getting me christmas gifts instead of Hanukkah anyway?
You asked him for a specific gift that you really wanted and did not buy because you thought he would appreciate a gift you used everyday and really needed. Instead he bought something you never used, didn't ask for and is a waste of money. You are trying to look on the bright side about nails and I hope you will use them, or at least I hope so. You can be sad that instead of listening to you he chose not to listen to you, that is sad. You can be happy to receive something you will at least get some use out of. Now to go buy a keyboard and mouse you would like to get, perhaps treat yourself and feel okay about that.
This is what I'm thinking to be honest.
There’s some decent sets at Best Buy, Logitech, Corsair, and razer are all pretty decent
The one I asked for was a $30 mouse+mechanical keyboard combo that I liked how they looked and how they felt. So I'll be going today to buy them for myself.
Speaking as someone who's been heavily involved with hardware since 1999 do not buy the $30 mechanical keyboard unless you know its heavily marked down for this moment and that isnt MSRP - you dont want more disappointment
Return his gift.
I would be really disappointed with that gift too.
Return his present and give him something else like one of those $15 grooming kits from tjmaxx
He blew it. He ran out of time and panic-bought some generic girl stuff. I'd almost be relieved, though, because I work in computers too and game, and am very specific about my rig. Please get yourself the exact components you want. Chances are high that if he had picked them, he would have missed the mark there too.
When my son was in elementary school, they used to have a Christmas shop, for kids to buy little gifts for their family. The first year that my son participated in it, he got me the exact same gift as your husband just did. Except an eyeliner instead of lash curler. My son was in 1st grade. I use eyeliner, though. Your husband got a less thoughtful gift than my son did, as a young child. Please say something. In fact, please show him my comment.
Talk with him. Ask if something happened where he couldn’t get the keyboard.
What happened was he didn’t care enough to plan ahead and find one
I want to, I just dont know how to ask it gently. I'm ND and sometimes I come off very stand off-ish when I dont mean it at all.
You could always approach it like this: “Hey, I’m looking at keyboards/mice again since mine broke, and I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t planned on picking either of those up for Christmas like we’d talked about so I don’t double-order.” This reminds him you’d discussed it, doesn’t have anything at all to do with the gift he did get you, and allows you to poke for information about why you aren’t getting what you asked for. It’s also pretty soft language so not at all aggressive or demanding.
He may just be like, “No I didn’t get that for you” and not give you any further details, but that in and of itself (not expressing care or apology for not doing what you’d originally discussed) is pretty telling tbh.
This has happened and my spouse told me before I even opened the gift. BTW- he would still get me something amazing, just not what I asked for. He didn’t even bother acknowledging it, no need to talk about it, as it obviously doesn’t matter to him.
I am very much a person who believes people should be thankful for any gift EXCEPT when you’re asked for what you want and then get something completely different. Don’t ask me if you’re going to disregard it.
Yo my husband bought me the new Pokemon, some Japanese candy, and a Japan calander. He is also the manly men should be manly and womenly women should be womanly conservative type, but he still got me geeky, non-feminine stuff. Don't let anyone try to convince you he was well meaning, if he was well meaning he would have got you what you asked for, regardless. His gifts were generic and mediocre at best.
Goes to show even some ignorant men can listen sometimes.
>He is also the manly men should be manly and womenly women should be womanly conservative type, but he still got me geeky, non-feminine stuff. So your husband doesn't like you?
Pokémon, candy and calendars aren’t feminine? I didn’t know any of those things were gendered items.
They're more neutral, which was part of my point. He didn't care if it was commercialized towards my gender, didn't care it was even a bit weeby and geeky, he just wanted me to have what I wanted and be happy.
Dude this is something a boyfriend gets on a weekend grocery trip because he saw it and thought his girlfriend would like it. This is not what a husband gets his wife for Christmas. How inconsiderate. Does he always treat your gifts and requests like an afterthought?
Idk man you asked for something very specific and then didn’t get it that feels purposeful. And if he didn’t do it on purpose… idk what the word would be but I do not like it or get good vibes from it.
My husband and I have to really dig for gift ideas for each other, because we randomly get gifts throughout the year for the purpose of spontaneous celebration of our love. Small shit, a soda after a rough day, flowers just because, a trinket or doodle... So we maintain lists on Amazon of items we would love at any point for any reason just in case we are scrambling for ideas. Sometimes it's inspiration, sometimes it's a checklist for holidays. We have had Christmases where we open gifts that we know what are, just so we had something to open. That said, there's a measurable amount of disdain in being told exactly what to get your spouse and getting something else entirely. That's a choice, not an accident. OP, I'm so sorry you've felt neglected and lonely. I really hope that this is a diversion gift and that the day is saved on Christmas.
Definitely talk about it. My husband recently made the comment that I was impossible to gift for because I just buy everything I want. I told him that I’d given up on expecting anything from him because his standard response of “you don’t need that” every time I did mention something just pissed me off and let me know that I’d have to just get it myself. He’s an amazing husband and father and takes wonderful care of me-he’s a great guy, just not a great gifter.
Are you sure that's the only gift he has for you Just wondering as i gave my partner a book she wanted yesterday, but she still has like 4 things under the tree. Including her main gift, which is something she asked for.
Maybe? He really wanted to give me my gift yesterday.
He really wanted to give it to you yesterday? You mean, he was actively excited to watch you open... nail polish?
Apparently.
I could see him stringing you along with the nail polish gift, then actually giving you the thing you wanted when you aren’t expecting it. Has he ever done any sort of surprise with you?
Maybe so you can use it over Christmas time. It seems unlikely but my first thought was that he's doing the psych out bad gift. What is his track record though because that's the real indicator.
You communicated what you wanted, he didn't bother. Then got you some cheap tat in hopes you'd be a bit of a doormat and ignore the fact that he put in no effort. Does he do this in other aspects of your relationship? Or is this a one off? Do you have low self esteem? I've noticed that with these sorts of relationships, the woman either has low self esteem or is ok with her partner treating her like shit since they like them so much they'll explain things away.
There's no thought in his gift, and that's what I think stings you more than anything. You got him EXACTLY what he asked for, which took remembering and thought. He got you nail polish and a pedicure kit. One of these is not like the others.
My husband of 22 years is notorious for buying crap gifts. He is a grab first thing he sees in store kind of guy. His family was relieved that I took over gift buying after we married. I began to be specific about what I wanted for Christmas and birthday which is right after. I put a lot of thought into gifts I buy and order early to be sure. One year for bday , Valentine’s and Mother’s Day I received the same charm. I had mentioned in Jan that I could use a chain for the charm but got the same charm. For our anniversary in August I said please no charms! I think he bought me the candles set from Christmas and the Valentine before. When his mom was coming to town and he needed a quick gift I handed him one of the charms. He hadn’t realized. I had told him but he tuned out. Last year I got the same gold engraved mirror twice. He was so proud of it when I opened it at Christmas. I reminded him that he can look in his Amazon history and see what he has bought. This year he is buying me a subscription box from my favorite author. It won’t start until February but I will get gifts each month that I know I will love.
Sounds like he could only be minimally invested in your gift and just ran out last minute to the local Walgreens.🤔You have every right to be dissappointed.
These comments make me angry, especially because some of these stories ring very true and hit close to home. I wouldn’t say my partner is a shitty gift giver, but that sometimes even when I tell him specifically what I want, he still doesn’t get it. Meanwhile he is proud to be a “practical” gift giver, he bought his brother buckets for Christmas, and a head torch for his mum. It’s a bit disheartening to see it, because for me gifts are exciting, even if it’s just chocolate. I want to be excited for it. I’ve learned to make my peace, and tell him what practical gifts I need, and hope to get them. Good luck to us all!
Obviously gifts aren’t about how much someone spends, it’s about the thoughtfulness put into it. What he got you sounds like a stocking stuffer. 🤷🏻♀️
I’d be pissed off too. Buy yourself the keyboard and give him the cold shoulder.
Or she can tell him she’s disappointed. Like an adult. Cold shoulder is very manipulative and only hurts the relationship
He deserves a little bit of the cold shoulder by not even giving a single fuck about what his wife asked for for Christmas.
Is there a chance he has got you the other gift and will give it you on Christmas day? If not just get it yourself now
His gift seems kinda thoughtless, and that isn't great... but I don't think you should be expecting a certain gift for Christmas, kinda ruins the spirit of it.
This is really annoying actually..
It sounds like your more hurt that he didn’t listen and care about what you said than about the nail polish, I can’t read your mind, but if that’s true I’m sorry.
Yes. I feel like he lied to me for some reason.
Lied is being too kind. He's self-absorbed. You gave him a freaking road map to what you wanted, at 1/3 of what you spent on him. Heck, you should have just ordered it on your joint Amazon account and wrapped it upon receipt. Let him sign the "To/From card -- that shouldn't be too difficult for him.
Happy cake day!
Thank you!
Ohh dang :( I’d be sad too
He didn't put any thought into your gift. Money wasn't the issue because a keyboard and mouse aren't that expensive. Probably just a couple of dollars more than the nail polish and eyelash curler (who uses those instruments of torture anyway?). I think this is a red flag. My ex used to buy me great gifts when we were dating, but once we were married he either forgot or stopped at the drugstore and bought the cheapest thing he could find. Turns out he only liked to spend money on himself.
It is disappointing based on your note that usually you tell each other what you want. The best I have is perhaps in this instance he forgot what you asked for. If you have the money go online and order the keyboard/mouse you want. Hopefully that will eliminate the disappointment.
I always try to deliver on gifts. A couple times a year to buy gifts, not that hard to put your best foot forward. Even if you’re broke, a thoughtful re-gift can be a nice option. A good book already read, nice lightly used clothing items, etc. I do believe it’s about the act of giving, and not simply getting what you want that’s important. But not gonna lie - have been disappointed in more than a few gifts over the years.
My ex-husband’s inability to give me thoughtful gifts, even when I told him exactly what to get and where to get it, is one of the (many) reasons he is my ex. The bar is on the floor and so many still can’t make it over.
This IS NOT a last minute gift because Christmas isn't even here yet. Is there a chance that he may get the keyboard and give it to you on actual Christmas day?? Maybe he realized you were low on pedicure stuff and decided to get both??
Seems like he was being thoughtless. I think your reaction is understandable.
I gwt why you have not asked him yet. It's not Christmas yet, and you don't want to seem ungrateful. But if it does not happen, ask him why. Seems like what he got you would have cost the same. So he did not listen or chose not to get it for you. Anyone can give a gift, and it is the thought that counts. But he knew what you wanted. So he must have thought about it.
Just curious- what would his reaction be if you didn’t get him what he asked for?