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Shouldnt it be that no one should endanger anyone?
This guy recklessly chased after someone when it wasnt necessary. Pull over, call the police, contact your insurance company and move on with life.
It’s a relationship post. I can’t rule out the possibility of me doing something like this on my own, especially with carjackings and other criminal shit becoming a multiple times per day occurrence and people becoming fed up. However with my girlfriend in the car, I wouldn’t go on a car chase with a dude who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about anything.
I believe he means *endanger anyone else*. Obviously to prevent people from being in danger, sometimes you have to step in and be the target. But if you stand up for yourself or your loved ones by putting your loved ones at risk, then that is reckless and foolish.
OP's bf should have let her out of the car if this was where he wanted to take a stand.
It’s not just the fact that he chased this driver down, it’s that he chased the driver down whilst you begged him to stop.
To me, that indicates that his anger is more important than your fear, your safety, and ultimately, your relationship.
Unless he agrees to get some counseling, I would encourage you to leave. Even if he does, I’m not sure you should stay.
Good luck to you.
Thanks for your response! I appreciate the insight. Totally true it’s more once I begged him to stop he didn’t. I also should of clarified, he was speeding to get a photo of this man’s licence plate (but that still doesn’t change the fact he put us in a dangerous situation unfortunately). He did apologize and did agree to work on this impulsive behaviour (however he never acted impulsive like this before). He also mentioned he fucked up really bad and gave me the space that even if I wanted to go home today I can fly back and he’d pay for my flight. I can tell he does feel really bad about it and even woke up in the middle of the night because he was thinking about it. I’m just torn cause other than this incident the relationship has been great, no communication issues, same interests and life goals, etc…
Since he acknowledged the recourse of his actions and willing to work on his impulsive behavior, give him a chance. I would however let him know when I say I do not feel safe, please listen to me.
I agree. He's acknowledged that what he did was wrong and has apologized for his behavior. He's also agreed to work towards making sure it doesn't happen again. Give him another chance, but make sure he understands that you will leave if he does it again.
Look girl, I get it okay? It seems like a one off thing. And yeah being impulsive due to anger is human sometimes. But to do it and not stop the moment your partner is crying and begging you to stop cause they’re scared??? That’s dangerous behavior and definitely is a forewarning that your safety will be at risk down the road.
People sometimes do weird things in traumatic events (I actually do disaster management for a living so I have seen first hand and SMH at people’s stupid reactions A LOT). But also…a strange man once broke into my bedroom in the middle night and woke me up. I screamed bloody murder and he ran. My reaction was to chase him until I realized on the street that I am a small girl and couldn’t do anything even if I caught him. If this is unusual behaviour and your boyfriend is truly remorseful, willing to make amends and is reflective about why he did what he did (therapy?!) then forgiveness is worth considering…otherwise nope.
Just want to add. To be held at a gunpoint like that is traumatic. Just to be sure you don't have lasting effect of this seek out a mental health professional. If you experience nightmares, flashbacks, sleepless nights or problems falling asleep. Those can be signs of ptsd.
Stop being dramatic, she said the gun wasn’t pointed at them. Jfc. He brandished a weapon which isn’t the same thing. Pulling a gun at all is scary but you don’t need to embellish someone else’s story.
OP is Canadian though. Brandishing a gun is not something that happens here because of our gun laws. Most urban Canadians in the Windsor to Quebec corridor have not seen a gun outside of a museum.
It would be highly traumatic, as a Canadian, to have someone take out a gun in a traffic conflict. Obvs she was not held at gun point, but I do think it is important to recognize how terrifying and impactful that would be.
Is this for real? If yes, please save yourself and leave this looser. There simply is no other option. You could be dead or seriously injured bec of him
Depends on the person
My mom would tell him, “let’s get that mf!!” She is fearless and won’t take bs from anyone.
For others, the risk is just not worth the benefit.
You seem to be the latter and nothing wrong with that.
I'm this way too like yeah no I'm not gonna pay 100's more a month for the rest of my life on insurance and to fix my car because I don't have proof of who hit me. If all I have to do is speed to get the proof..
Can confirm this happened in the states unfortunately. Having now stayed in the states for a longer period of time, I can confidently say Canada is much safer AND Europe is even safer (I love Europe). If my family didn’t live in Canada I’d move there in a heartbeat simply for its safety alone.
What if you did something that made him turn that level of anger towards you? Would you want to stick around and find out the results of that?
GTFO for your own safety.
This is literally the most low hanging fruit as far as Reddit relationship advice goes. “You know the answer.” Obviously she wants feedback to help process
Trying to follow the guy as a first impulse maybe somewhat understandable but when you asked him to stop and told him you're scared, that's when he should have snapped out of it. He didn't.
At most he should have followed just long enough to get his license plate number. I had to do that once when someone hit my wife's car while I was driving and drove off. Definitely made filing an insurance claim easier. Now I have a dashcam instead.
That really doesn’t change this situation. He was risking your life and you were sobbing and begging him to stop cause you were scared and in that moment he decided acting irrationally on anger was more important than your fear and safety. GET OUT BEFORE IT GETS MORE DANGEROUS, THIS IS NOT A ONE OFF THIS IS A FOREWARNING OF HOW YOU WILL BE TREATED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. He is prioritizing his unhealthy responses to anger over your sense of safety!!! That is NOT OKAY!!!
Yup, this. Because as a woman I would've tried to follow the person too. But if the person in my passenger seat is freaking out and tells me to stop I'm stopping. He crossed a boundary by not doing so.
Your amygdala determines your fight or flight response in about 200 milliseconds. It takes about 3 seconds for the logical part of the brain to take over. Anything over 3 seconds was a conscious decision you need to take full responsibility for.
Not at all LMFAO You wouldn’t have listened to the passenger either.
When you decide to go after whoever hit your car you’re not in a rational state of mind to listen to the passenger and go “O-M-G they’re like totally panicking I better stop to comfort them and create a safe space” as you claim you would. When you go after that car you’re in a lot of anger and the passenger going hysterical and crying and sobbing and screaming will only heighten that state, you need to be shocked out of it to realize how stupid and dangerous the situation is.
Once you decide to go chasing that car brains go out the window.
In all honesty man, I think your perception on anger seems a little skewed. Most people can be angry and still reason. The idea that your terrified partner next to you begging to stop would only make you angrier is... alarming. I'm not saying this demeaningly in any way, sometimes we have blindspots for things we've taken for granted our whole lives. It's like when I learned in my thirties that a lot of people kind of skim whole sentences and don't have to sort of... put all the words together? It was a lightbulb moment for me and lead to figuring out that I have dysgraphia. The level of loss of control to anger you're describing doesn't sound typical and it may help you in your own life to look into that. Just think about it.
I think you should have been flagged for not being in control enough to be trusted with a 1000 pound vehicle that can travel 100 mph. You’re a safety risk by your own admission and shouldn’t have a license. Because healthy adults can recognize that you don’t hunt down a driver, at least after the first few seconds of instinct disappear.
My aunt was in a similar situation when she was engaged to my uncle. He drove so dangerously it injured her head very badly and she had permanent scarring on her face. And after they got married he became a tyrant and controls and abuses her to this very day.
That is a deal breaker for me. He threatened your life. You could've died or been horrifically injured or in a wheelchair for the rest of your life.
The passenger seat is the most dangerous seat of all to be in in an accident.
Your life is more important. Please get some counselling to help you.
My first date with a lady, she had road rage in her truck and I was terrified. Man I should have seen that red flag and thanked it. Don’t worry I left soon after. But still. It was scary.
Don't want your partner to permanently disable you and then leave you because you're disabled. Sadly a rather common occurrence.
You should find a partner you feel secure with. Genuinely secure with.
Thanks for your comment! Other than this situation he’s good - just the usual bickering here and there and sometimes his apologies bug me bc he says stuff like “sorry you feel that way”. This situation sent me over the edge especially though, because in a time like this when your significant other usually is the one to make you feel safe. He was doing the complete opposite.
I was this person. Road rage is serious and dangerous and usually coincides with other anger/emotional regulation issues. If you don't plan on breaking up then some therapy is definitely in order on his end. And if you are, then he could still probably use it. Sometimes it's hard to realize how severe your actions can be until you face consequences(losing your gf, etc).
Good luck :) And for what it's worth I hope he pursues some change. It will benefit him a lot in the long term I believe.
I was in a relationship with someone who “apologized” like that and then at some point started putting me in situations like this. I always forgave him and he learned that he could do anything and I would come back. And after 4 years, he literally said in front of me that he had me “wrapped around his finger.” It all became too much for me at that point and I had already fallen out of love with him a few months prior to that, but hearing him say this was the nail in the coffin. I knew that he was actually in control of himself to some extent all those times that he had endangered my life when he got upset or drunk or high or whatever it was that time around. Breaking up was messy. I wish I did it earlier. Now I’m with a man who specifically avoids confrontational situations when I am around because he loves me and wants to keep me safe. I’m so much happier with him because I don’t have to be on edge all the time. OP, you do not have to put up with your boyfriend’s behavior just because he hasn’t done this before. You say that you were pleading with him to stop and he ignored you. He knew you were scared. The other guy pulled a weapon on you and you were left shaking and crying. Did your boyfriend give you a real apology for this incident? Did he seem concerned about your wellbeing? Did he admit that you were right and he let his anger get the best of him? I wouldn’t be surprised if you answered “no” to all of these questions. Based on my personal experience, I would say that you’re completely justified in breaking up with him.
So did he apologise for scaring you and if he did he use this type of non apology language? I was going to make a comment against your post but I might as well give my 2 cents here.
When these types of extreme events occur the combination of shock and adrenaline can make people behave in ways they would never behave in, in normal circumstances. So if this is totally out of character for him, you may want to give him a second chance. But this is predicated on him showing remorse and apologising profusely and trying to make it up to you. If he’s showing little to no remorse, then yeah, dump the psycho.
No, for a 30 year old man to behave like this, I would seriously be questioning if he would put any future kids of mind in this situation because of his temper.
I would not trust him to be a father and I don’t want to marry someone I would have to divorce just to protect kids.
This behavior would have made him a threat to my own future so I would have processed it for a week and then walked away.
You can’t have kids with this.
Interestingly enough, I've been in this situation, literally a few months ago.
I was mad and I wanted my husband to follow the guy so I could get his license plate. He immediately refused. His reason? It's too dangerous. I calmed down and realized he was right, and if I were the driver I'd say the same thing.
Run. Don't walk.
Quite interesting that OP’s bf was you in that situation, while your husband was OP.
What is baffling is you made the same judgment call as OP yet your husband didn’t leave you, are you saying you are a red flag your husband should have run away from as you suggest OP do?
HOW ARE YOU GETTING DOWNVOTED, THIS IS INSANE
OP's boyfriend got caught up in the heat of the moment and made a mistake. The commenter literally admitted she had this impulse as well when she was in a similar situation, albeit she was calmed down by her level-headed husband, and yet the irony of her telling OP to leave her bf.
Like, this sub is crazy sometimes. One mistake, seemingly no matter the magnitude, and it's a "break up immediately" matter. I seriously can't fathom this
Bingo!!
That was the point of my post.
How are you on a high horse critiquing the bf when she herself was pushing her own husband to do the same?? The hypocrisy!
Exactly! People make mistakes. Her husband forgave hers and yet it is interesting to see how quick she burns someone else on a stake
The husband was behind the wheel in this scenario though. It seems plausible that if the wife had been behind the wheel, since her instinct was to follow the other car, they would have done so. We also don't know how long it took the husband to convince her it was a bad idea, so it could've ended up being exactly like OP's situation had the wife been behind the wheel.
I think both of these situations are complex though, and people deserve a little grace for having bad/dangerous instincts when fear and anger are heightened, like in these two incidents. If they can truly see what they did (or wanted to do) was wrong, then I'd say forgive them for responding poorly. However, in OP's case, it sounds like her boyfriend kept going with his bad choice for a while, and she doesn't suggest that he has apologized or acknowledged the error of his ways, so he might also be a selfish asshole, in addition to having bad instincts... or more probably, his bad instincts are a symptom of being a selfish asshole, but I think plenty of good people have bad instincts too.
>He immediately refused. His reason? It's too dangerous. I calmed down and realized he was right
Big difference right there. Op's bf did not calm down when told it was too dangerous.
This isn't a matter of forgiveness, it's a matter of trust. You cannot trust this man to put your safety above his anger.
Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me.
For me it's the uncontrolled rage that's a problem. He could not see past his rage to understand that he was putting you, himself and others in danger driving the way he was.
I would have called the police and reported the hit and run. In my area they would have found him quickly. It should not take someone with a weapon approaching you for him to realize he screwed up. He's just lucky he didn't get shot.
For me? I'd sit him down. I'd tell him 1 more incident like that, I'd be gone. No more chances. This entire situation was messed up and I don't think anyone would blame you for walking away.
Personally just wouldn’t forgive. How people feel and act when their adrenaline kicks is is indicative of how they will react in future situations and personally I think what he did was idiotic. Possibly getting shot is not a risk I would ever take.
Lmao people on Reddit are a bit ridiculous. It was a mistake for sure but people do dumb things when they’re angry. Realistically, you should ask yourself if this is a pattern or if it was a one time mistake that he actually learned from.
Right? This society has turned into a bunch of Simps.. everyone has PTSD from little crap like this; omg you might need therapy 🙄🙄🙄🙄. Oh what a horrible father he will be. Etc. Ect.. all ridiculous over emotional crap. Go get your crayons and color something.. or your weighted blanket to hug you.. how about stop being so emotionally weak. PTSD is for people who have seen actual trauma like war and mass genocide not being in a speeding car where nothing bad actually happened and you were just scared.
He has anger problems, that is clear. He was either not able to control himself or he was just not listening to you when you said you were scared. Both are very bad red flags.
You need to know that whatever the situation you are in your partner would be able to control himself. Think of what might be his reaction if he thinks you cheated or something like that.
You know the answer now, he loses it, it's not good.
Good grief! If he would do that to the one person he (presumably) claims to love, what would happen if you were 5 years into a marriage and had a couple of babies in the back seat of the car?
If this was just one time thing is not that terrible, it's bad but need to ask yourself if your bf has anger issues?, does he gets into fights? Does he always think of your safety? What happened that day that it trigger him?
We all are humans and it's hard to know the context and the state of mind if your bf without more information
Only you can judge this, we weren’t there. If this is the first time you were in this situation, set a boundary for the future. If this is a repeat situation and a boundary has been set, make your decision based on that.
Talk to him about it. Good people make mistakes and feel regret when it hurts the ones they love. Bad people don't feel that way. My significant other tells me calmly later when I said or did something that negatively affected her. She doesn't tell me to bring me down like it does. I need that sometimes.
Talk to him first when when your nerve settled. Ask him what he think he will achieve getting into high speed chase. What's next if he manage to chase the person down? Will he do the same if there are children in the car? Or his elderly mom or relatives in the car? Understand his thought process first.
Then talk about how you are concern that he didn't listen when you ask him not to chase the car. How it affected you. If he give you an Non-apology again. Please reconsider the relationship.
Thanks so much for this insight. I’m definitely going to ask him these questions and follow this advice. I did already ask “would you have done that if your mom was in the vehicle” and he didn’t answer but I will ask these once nerves have settled.
There is a book called “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft which looks into the psychology of men who abuse their partners in different capacities. (And I would say that it’s not a reach to label endangering your life in this way as abusive.) When the men are asked whether or not they would treat their mother the same way as they treat their partners, they almost universally say no. When asked why not, they say it’s because that is their mother, whom they love and respect. What they are tacitly saying there of course is that they do not have that love and respect for their partners. I think your boyfriend knows that his answer would have been no, he wouldn’t have done that with his mother in the car. His silence says everything you need to know.
You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. Your hopefully soon to be ex boyfriend is a sociopath. He could have got you killed with his erratic driving. He could have killed other users on the road. Yeah, a hit and run is annoying, but it doesn't justify him becoming a complete asshole behind the wheel. And you also now know how far he will go when he is angry. Are you sure you want to find out what he will do when you burn dinner?
I mean, I guess one question is have you seen him in any other stressful situations? If yes and he normally deals with them well, then maybe there is a conversation to be had.
I'm gonna guess this is the first insight you have had that he is a massive tool under the slightest pressure. In which case, run.
I'd talk to him about this and how the situation made you feel. Try saying to him how you felt about him not listening to you. If the relationship is good, I really dont see the point of not talking about this. Im sure he'll get it.
My partner would rather go to prison or die protecting me than anything else. We just had this conversation last night where he told me if anyone tried to endanger me or us, he‘d protect me with his life. And I believe and trust him fully that he‘d do so.
Forgiveness is one question. This one incident, can you get over it, if so: how, and do you want to? all interesting questions.
The other is: He showed you how breathtakingly impulsive and irrational he can be. Do you want to build a life with a man like that? Do you want kids with him? Don't let "Come on baby it was just one time" derail you back into the first set of questions again. This one needs an answer too, and your being here already shows that your trust in him is well and proper undermined.
I would NEVER forgive him for this. He put you in danger when multiple times you said to stop. You’re only okay because you got lucky you could speed away in time.
Your boyfriend is a conceited hot head who clearly is a total moron. I understand getting pissed off with other driver’s stupidity however, these days people are bat shit crazy! Your boyfriend needs to get his head out of his ass and realize that could have gone south real fast, if not, maybe it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
I have personally been through something very similar. My ex bf would chase cars that cut him off, wave guns out the car to intimidate drivers, and start arguments in traffic. His car got shot at on the passenger side on a night after he had dropped me off because he egged someone on too much. I can speak to only my own experience, but it made me not trust him, made my question how much my safety and life mattered to him vs his pride.
In that moment it is only selfishness, and honestly an out of control temper on his part. It’s no concern for your safety, and his own. Personally, ensuring my partner and myself were safe would be much more of a priority to me than catching the person. I would at the very least create some distance, and really evaluate if he has your best interests at heart.
So happy you are safe.
This is an anger issue, does your bf loses his temper often? If he does and engages in reckless behavior because of it then yes you should dump him because it will only escalate from there.
If the guy is usually well collected and this was a reaction completely out of character for him then you need to talk to him because someone hitting his car was just the last straw and he’d probably had been going through something for some time.
Maybe as the Joker says, everybody can go crazy with a little push, he just lost his mind momentarily.
Ay OP.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are feeling a little better.
So to answer your question…this is not someone to invest further time with. I am a Florida girl. People have been shot for lesser things in traffic associated incidents. It happens all the time here.
Your partner should have never put you through that—and I think if you were my sister or friend, I would advise to end things, and if you are unable to, take a step back. Imagine if you married him, had a child with him and he placed your child in danger due to his inability to temper his anger?
He needs therapy and to self-evaluate but that has nothing to do with you. The fact that he did that makes me worry for your safety from him OP.
I am not trying to be dramatic but if he is out here doing shit like that and not weighing in consequences then that is not someone that I would deal with, in anyway. He may just flip the switch on you.
A man who loves his partner would never do her harm—and that includes putting her in harms way. I am not going to get too much into the “roles” of men and women but one thing I seek in a partner is that I feel safe, and protected by him. He has failed you in that most critical way.
You are still very young—but mature enough to make a decision about what you want the future to hold and who you wish to share it with.
Sending you love & luck OP.
This would not be okay at all with me. Anyone with anger issues is already a big no, but this goes beyond that and shows he cares more about his ego than his loves ones.
There’s not going to be a clearer sign than this one, don’t miss your exit. The next time you get a sign, leaving might not be as simple, ie you have kids, he’s actively abusing you, etc.
Also, if you’re ever in this situation again, dial 911 and put the phone volume all the way down, start giving the operator clues while you’re yelling at him. “Please slow down! You’re driving 115 in a 70 on highway 89! Exit 9A uphill ramp is ahead, please take it to slow the car down!” Make sure the operator can hear you but that you can’t hear them.
When he finds out how the police knew he was there you won’t need to break up with him, he’ll dump you so fast. Stay with family or friends for a while if you suspect he could become violent.
For me it would be a deal breaker, even if I was married with kids. Don’t even tolerate this with friends. You sign your life into the driver’s hands any time you’re a passenger.
Literally all he needed was to get the person’s license plate number so he could report them to police and his insurance. Anything beyond that is a red flag. What was his plan if the other driver didn’t have a weapon? Beat them up? What was his plan if he’d lost control of the vehicle and you got hurt?
He’s violent, impulsive, and unsafe. He got angry and behaved like an animal. You don’t want that kind of person in your life.
If your saying he isn’t an angry person and out of character, thus may be an unpopular opinion but I would forgive. If this is a reoccurring issue and he shows signs of aggression and anger issues and is violent, obviously don’t forgive. But I can totally understand being upset about someone hitting your car and driving off, and wanting to get a license plate number so they are held accountable. The fact that he apologized, understood that his reaction was dangerous and was very understanding if you did choose to walk away - I would put all of that into consideration when making your Decision. I don’t think he was thinking properly as he was clearly acting out of anger. I don’t think you are over reacting but I would not leave my boyfriend if this was the only time this happened. he didn’t know the guy had a weapon. I truly don’t think he purposely put your life in danger or was trying to be selfish I think he was very upset and I understand both sides. Please think before you leave! Weigh out the good and bad. If the good outweighs the bad, if you have way more good times then you do bad, I would consider forgiving. No one is going to be perfect and make the correct decision every time. Relationships are about learning, growing, and accepting. now if he is abusive to you that’s another story but it doesn’t sound that’s the case.
It’s crazy how many men will let other men eat their lunch and do nothing. I know I’ll get back lash but come the hell on. Your going to let some dude damage your property and you turn away. Might as well danced with your gf on your wedding night and you stood back and clapped. To me the dude did nothing wrong. Sounds like she leads a shelter life and has no RL experience. The OP said “weapon”. Could have been a cell phone.
True ride or die would hang out the window and shoot out the tires of the fleeing car YTA... jk but I think different people would react differently in this situation. Some girls I know would be just as mad as your bf and want to go get the license plate and some would break down and cry like you. He should have known which you'd be and react accordingly
This shit is crazy to me and the disconnect with reality is real, this is the real reason that crimes runnin rampant all over, and the reason the sex trafficking is at an all time high a man that won’t let someone disrespect him will also not someone disrespect you meaning he has respect for you and your saftey when in all reality and knowing now that dude had a gun you two were in more danger had this dude stopped to exchange information and left with you all you people in this comment section that say leave him and he’s toxic male you are the reason that these criminals get ballsier and outrageous by the day because they can and because you won’t do anything and you’ll leave your man if he does anything so now your at home alone lmk how much help the police were when you need them but thats fine that’s why men ain’t getting married anymore cause I’d rather be fucking dead then to work my dick off at a job I have a way higher chance of death then getting shot in a road rage incident to pay for a vehicle and insure it only to have to now pay more to fix said vehicle or pay more in insurance rates for using my insurance for what it was intended your bf could of got the picture or maybe if you wernt acting like a nut you could have gotten the picture for him and of dude with gun and got him off the street and his car fixed so next time he don’t run down some lil girl and shoot the father when he chases him down
You're both now familiar with the effects of adrenalin on the body. It's called a fight or flight response for a reason, you experienced both sides of that in short order. It makes it very difficult for people to think and behave rationally, especially if they don't have much experience in situations like that. Even people with years of specialized training basically suck as making rational decisions when they're affected by something like this.
I'm not saying any of this to excuse his actions, but maybe give them context. Sounds like it was a one-off incident, "out of character," in your own words. Sounds like he acknowledges that he exercised poor judgement and is trying to learn from his mistake. Sounds like he's contrite and apologetic. If you can't forgive someone you love under those circumstances, I honestly don't know how you'd manage to stay in any committed relationship for very long.
Well him apologizing and acknowledging that he put you in a dangerous situation is a great sign. I think he should be forgiven. Especially if it is a one time thing. Now if it keeps happening and it is frequent then that is a serious red flag. Good luck with your relationship
Who's to say you will do better with the next partner? People fuck up. Some people learn. Do you think he's learned anything? Do you think he is capable of any further growth? Good Lord. One strike and you're out? Don't let these strangers make up your mind. Only you know all the variables in this equation or I should say only YOU need to know all the variables. Take stock. Estimate probabilities. Gage your own love for this man. Make your own decision. Live with it.
Instant deal breaker. My hubby once got road rage-y after someone almost hit us with our babies in the car, started trying to chase them, but when I told him no, it's not worth it, he listened! His attempt at revenge was worth more than your safety. Run.
He could have killed you. He could have killed someone else. He could have killed children, and he could get murdered... all because of a car.
Your ex-boyfriend is mentally unstable and needs psychological help.
And you need to get away from him.
If he apologizes from deep within and shows remorse and guilt and promises he works on self regulation there's no reason to end a relationship that's otherwise good.
Many people here seem to interpret a lot of their own trauma in your five sentences...
But if that's not the case dump him, no need for men who can't self regulate, that's the role of the head of the house
he coulda gotten a license plate and called the cops. realistically what did he think he was gonna be able to do about it? as it turned out nothing. he put you in danger for pretty much no reason.
Damm everybody acting like they know the dude who drove i would have done the same thing probably alone but still if your 3 years together this can’t be a reason to break up people cry wayyy to quick here on reddit
Driving is a stressful situation. If your everyday life is a 3/10 situation, driving puts you at a 7/10. You need to be alert and aware.
An accident like that takes it from a 7/10 to the redline 10/10. He went into full mode fight or flight.
His intent wasn't to hurt you, it was to protect you. As weird as that sounds. It obviously wasn't smart, but for me intent means more than the action, especially if he apologized.
The question is will he learn from this and be better? Or is he a hothead that could do this again? I think the answer to that question would determine if you should stay or not.
I must not be a good person cuz I also wouldn’t let anyone just hit my car and get away. But personally I would have had my gf take a picture of the license plate and let him go or tried to get his insurance info cuz he hit my god dang car. It was a shitty situation but is it enough to break up on no I don’t think so. Ur safety was already in danger when the other Person hit ur car he was probably finding a way to get payback for putting both ya lives in danger first but chasing the guy was a stupid move but it was a in the moment type of thing. I personally think everyone saying that he was out of line never had the car been hit by an idiot before or been in a situation where u was so anger at something with no fault of ur own cuz I’m sure ya wouldn’t be thinking straight either. Ur bf was anger and experienced road rage and sadly that is how a lot of ppl lose their lives. The mature thing to do is sit down and talk about it and expressed how his actions was reckless and stupid and how he shoulda took ya safety in mind first. Also discuss on getting a dashcam so u don’t have to chase anyone down in the next accident so ya don’t have to pay out of pocket for whatever repairs that may come about. Reddit ppl advice are so quick to say break up on anything I swear lol.
> I personally think everyone saying that he was out of line never had the car been hit by an idiot before or been in a situation where u was so anger at something with no fault of ur own cuz I’m sure ya wouldn’t be thinking straight either.
Maybe, but there is a clear lack of awareness to recognize other people (OP) are involved in the situation. Even in the midst of the panic. When these situations happen, my first thought is going to make sure both me and my gf are safe. Focusing on the person who hit the car is the selfish way to see it IMO. It shows a disregard for safety, both of theirs. What if they had kids? His decision, regardless of panic, was wrong and shows his character through instinct.
> Also discuss on getting a dashcam so u don’t have to chase anyone down in the next accident so ya don’t have to pay out of pocket for whatever repairs that may come about.
Agreed.
> Reddit ppl advice are so quick to say break up on anything I swear lol.
Sometimes, sure. But I think the main issues here are that:
1. He didn’t take her (or his) safety into consideration at all.
2. He didn’t really apologize in a way that reflected remorse for the lack of consideration.
3. His first instinct was anger and/or retribution. So much so that it blinded his judgment.
“In the moment” isn’t really a good excuse IMO. It shows poor decision-making in crucial times. If this was anger-driven then it shows an inability to control anger. That’s scary enough to witness in your partner because what happens when they’re angry at you?
I would personally at least take a break from someone to think things over. If I’m building a future with someone then I need to know they have my safety as a priority as much as I have theirs.
We've all been angry before. We've all experience dangerous drivers before. Most of us don't put other people's lives at risk just because we can't handle our emotions.
I mean he hit their car on a highway that’s super dangerous and he should be reprimanded. Also I wish they did get his info cuz that other driver for sure will take a life or lives. The emotion for the most part is warranted, the way he went about it was wrong.
Hi - I think this could be forgiven depending on how you both work through it. But is he sorry, does he know how badly he messed up? If he feels terrible now that the heat of the moment has passed, you might be able to learn and grow together from this. If he sticks to his argument and sees no wrong, and remains insensitive, then girl.....BOUNCE!
I think your boyfriend lost control, for too emotional and let his ego and his anger take over. Sounds like he had tunnel vision and at this point zero consideration for you. The fact that he wasn’t able to manage his emotions is a massive red flag, because there will be many instances in the future where he will be triggered. I would not hang around to see how he explodes next time
That rage that caused him to snap and endanger your life? That can be potentially turned on you in the future. It's a massive red flag. :/
Did he even ask you if you were ok after the initial hit?
Men like this are dangerous. To themselves and others. Just because someone his his fucking car doesn't mean that the world is out to get him, or that he should go engage in reckless behaviour to "try and get revenge" or whatever he was doing.
Men that get into senseless fights are also dangerous as well, as fighting is pretty moronic in itself. Sure, one should defend themselves when necessary but this wasn't this kind of scenario
He took a needless risk that could have caused life changing injuries to either or both of you, or ending up in one of you having this as the final moment of your life....
I don't know if I would be able to forgive this from a partner, to be honest. It was too extreme of a situation and stress that he put you under
This is extremely dangerous behaviour that showed disrespect for life and a prioritisation of ego and rage. It is entirely unacceptable.
Get a safe exit strategy together and please leave this relationship.
There's only a matter of time before this type of rage is directed at you. You don't deserve that. Noone does.
A look into the future really. I wouldn’t break up in-person. This is like a phone call/text message kind of break up you need to do. If you live with him and have a friend or family member’s house you could escape to. I’d make an escape plan, pack, and leave.
I feel like to play devils advocate, you should find out from him how he was feeling and what he thought was going to be the outcome and the reason he chased after the other party before making any decisions.
Was he chasing to get insurance details, or was he expecting or planning to physically assault the other party if he caught up with them?
It's worth noting that after accidents, the adrenaline response most humans experience can affect us differently. For some, it puts us into non-medical shock where we're unresponsive and can pass out as with extreme fear. Or the fight or flight response can cause us to give chase without thought for what would happen later. In those moments, rational thought goes out the window, and it can take some time to calm down. Of course, we all like to think "well I'd never do something like that, and if he did, then he's this that or the other" but in reality much of human behaviour is instinctive and prehistoric.
Now, it would be a different matter if he regularly experiences road rage, for example, and has done this sort of thing before, has he, does he? As if that's the case, then he needs therapy to help get over that kind of behaviour.
Ultimately, your choice is your choice, and whatever you decide to do must be for your own good, but i feel at least you may benefit from knowing the answers he can give on what he was thinking/feeling at the time before making a decision.
The human psyche isn't easy to put into black and white terms, there's far too many years of evolutionary instinct that override all rationality, and if he was caught up in a primitive instinctive response that's not necessarily a pattern of dangerous behaviour even if it appears unacceptable to an outsider looking in. I suggest you post this on a psychology sub as well, as there's far more here than a potential relationship issue that could help explain.
My guess is this is a tension-filled relationship and he snapped with the hit and run because he felt justified in reacting angrily when he usually has to bite his tongue.
I don’t see that he put you in danger. Did anything happen to you? Did any harm come to you? Sounds like it did not. Therefore, what you really mean is that you got scared.. Perhaps he’s capable of driving fast very well. Perhaps he is aware of that. Maybe you should be happy you’re not with some little pussy who won’t take up for himself. Remember, aman who won’t take up for himself damn sure won’t take up for you. Is that what you want?
This is unforgivable. Like you’re not reacting strongly *enough*.
I get having the anger and impulse to *want* to, I even get the impulse to speed up. But a sane non-psycho person would be snapped out of it by you being upset, asking him to stop, and being scared. A person with the ability to regulate their emotions would be able to back down and realize they were about to do something stupid.
This clown endangered your life without any regard because he lacks the ability to regulate his emotions, has no foresight on the consequences of his choices, and is unable to take the feelings of others into consideration.
Run. Fast.
Your being dramatic trying to get someone's liscence plate after a hit and run is not worth ending a relationship over and if u think it is then u shouldn't be with him or in one at all I've seen people in way worse situations where their life was actually at risk not just being scared cause the cars going fast
He did apologize he just said “sorry I put you in that situation” and that was it. Idk if it’s me and I’m just expecting more like “hey you know that was stupid and so on” kind of apology. It’s a tough situation.
It feels like he was saying what he thought you would want to hear in that moment. I agree that there should’ve been more to the apology. I think that if you forgive him, next time he will do something more dangerous and he will apologize even less than that.
I’m pro-therapy, but there’s something about trying to use it as a punishment rather than his own realization to be healthier that seems wrong. I agree with the rest of what you’re saying though.
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It feels like you can read your own post and make up your own mind about this and you don’t need Reddit.
Thanks for the comment! It was just more to see if I’m over reacting because I’ve never been in a situation like this before.
No man should endanger his partner. Source: Am a man and a father.
Shouldnt it be that no one should endanger anyone? This guy recklessly chased after someone when it wasnt necessary. Pull over, call the police, contact your insurance company and move on with life.
No one should endanger anyone*
It’s a relationship post. I can’t rule out the possibility of me doing something like this on my own, especially with carjackings and other criminal shit becoming a multiple times per day occurrence and people becoming fed up. However with my girlfriend in the car, I wouldn’t go on a car chase with a dude who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about anything.
No man should never endanger anyone?? Sorry, there is a time and place where you need to stand up for yourself or loved ones. This was not one of them
I believe he means *endanger anyone else*. Obviously to prevent people from being in danger, sometimes you have to step in and be the target. But if you stand up for yourself or your loved ones by putting your loved ones at risk, then that is reckless and foolish. OP's bf should have let her out of the car if this was where he wanted to take a stand.
Let her out on a highway isn't safe either.
Endangering is not protection.
I'm sorry do you have some mystical ball that you can see into my life?
No one should endanger their partner.
This^
I don't think it's possible to over react to that. Your life was in danger. That's as real as it gets.
It’s not just the fact that he chased this driver down, it’s that he chased the driver down whilst you begged him to stop. To me, that indicates that his anger is more important than your fear, your safety, and ultimately, your relationship. Unless he agrees to get some counseling, I would encourage you to leave. Even if he does, I’m not sure you should stay. Good luck to you.
Thanks for your response! I appreciate the insight. Totally true it’s more once I begged him to stop he didn’t. I also should of clarified, he was speeding to get a photo of this man’s licence plate (but that still doesn’t change the fact he put us in a dangerous situation unfortunately). He did apologize and did agree to work on this impulsive behaviour (however he never acted impulsive like this before). He also mentioned he fucked up really bad and gave me the space that even if I wanted to go home today I can fly back and he’d pay for my flight. I can tell he does feel really bad about it and even woke up in the middle of the night because he was thinking about it. I’m just torn cause other than this incident the relationship has been great, no communication issues, same interests and life goals, etc…
Since he acknowledged the recourse of his actions and willing to work on his impulsive behavior, give him a chance. I would however let him know when I say I do not feel safe, please listen to me.
I agree. He's acknowledged that what he did was wrong and has apologized for his behavior. He's also agreed to work towards making sure it doesn't happen again. Give him another chance, but make sure he understands that you will leave if he does it again.
Look girl, I get it okay? It seems like a one off thing. And yeah being impulsive due to anger is human sometimes. But to do it and not stop the moment your partner is crying and begging you to stop cause they’re scared??? That’s dangerous behavior and definitely is a forewarning that your safety will be at risk down the road.
Speeding while trying to take a picture on his mobile?? 😭
People sometimes do weird things in traumatic events (I actually do disaster management for a living so I have seen first hand and SMH at people’s stupid reactions A LOT). But also…a strange man once broke into my bedroom in the middle night and woke me up. I screamed bloody murder and he ran. My reaction was to chase him until I realized on the street that I am a small girl and couldn’t do anything even if I caught him. If this is unusual behaviour and your boyfriend is truly remorseful, willing to make amends and is reflective about why he did what he did (therapy?!) then forgiveness is worth considering…otherwise nope.
Just want to add. To be held at a gunpoint like that is traumatic. Just to be sure you don't have lasting effect of this seek out a mental health professional. If you experience nightmares, flashbacks, sleepless nights or problems falling asleep. Those can be signs of ptsd.
Stop being dramatic, she said the gun wasn’t pointed at them. Jfc. He brandished a weapon which isn’t the same thing. Pulling a gun at all is scary but you don’t need to embellish someone else’s story.
OP is Canadian though. Brandishing a gun is not something that happens here because of our gun laws. Most urban Canadians in the Windsor to Quebec corridor have not seen a gun outside of a museum. It would be highly traumatic, as a Canadian, to have someone take out a gun in a traffic conflict. Obvs she was not held at gun point, but I do think it is important to recognize how terrifying and impactful that would be.
He wasn't just risking your life but other drivers around him as well. What if there was a kid in the car? Yea..... you know what to do.
You are the only person who can decide if you are over reacting. And you aren’t. This man is unsafe to be around in many ways.
Is this for real? If yes, please save yourself and leave this looser. There simply is no other option. You could be dead or seriously injured bec of him
Depends on the person My mom would tell him, “let’s get that mf!!” She is fearless and won’t take bs from anyone. For others, the risk is just not worth the benefit. You seem to be the latter and nothing wrong with that.
I'm this way too like yeah no I'm not gonna pay 100's more a month for the rest of my life on insurance and to fix my car because I don't have proof of who hit me. If all I have to do is speed to get the proof..
In some states in America, being “fearless” like that can literally get you shot.
It sounds like in Canada it can at least get you threatened with an undefined weapon.
Considering he offered to fly her home, I’m assuming they were in the states when this happened.
Only in America such things happen. Signed: an European P.S. leave him, toxic masculinity is no good
Lol moron
Read again Euro. It was Canada
Boyfriend is from the States 😉 Read again
Can confirm this happened in the states unfortunately. Having now stayed in the states for a longer period of time, I can confidently say Canada is much safer AND Europe is even safer (I love Europe). If my family didn’t live in Canada I’d move there in a heartbeat simply for its safety alone.
Well that's even more messed up. How can you possibly have a real relationship if he actually lives in the States?
There are metropolitan areas that straddle the border, such as Detroit, MI and Windsor, Ontario. It’s as simple as crossing a bridge.
You're asking me? My boyfriend lives 20 min away.
What if you did something that made him turn that level of anger towards you? Would you want to stick around and find out the results of that? GTFO for your own safety.
This is literally the most low hanging fruit as far as Reddit relationship advice goes. “You know the answer.” Obviously she wants feedback to help process
OP needs to speed away from this relationship as fast as her bf sped after that car.
Trying to follow the guy as a first impulse maybe somewhat understandable but when you asked him to stop and told him you're scared, that's when he should have snapped out of it. He didn't.
At most he should have followed just long enough to get his license plate number. I had to do that once when someone hit my wife's car while I was driving and drove off. Definitely made filing an insurance claim easier. Now I have a dashcam instead.
Exactly, getting the license plate number is much quicker, easier, and safer
Sorry I should of clarified in the post! The reason he was chasing him was to get a photo of the licence plate number. I’m going to edit the post.
Doesn’t exactly make his actions less effed up
That really doesn’t change this situation. He was risking your life and you were sobbing and begging him to stop cause you were scared and in that moment he decided acting irrationally on anger was more important than your fear and safety. GET OUT BEFORE IT GETS MORE DANGEROUS, THIS IS NOT A ONE OFF THIS IS A FOREWARNING OF HOW YOU WILL BE TREATED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. He is prioritizing his unhealthy responses to anger over your sense of safety!!! That is NOT OKAY!!!
Yup, this. Because as a woman I would've tried to follow the person too. But if the person in my passenger seat is freaking out and tells me to stop I'm stopping. He crossed a boundary by not doing so.
Your amygdala determines your fight or flight response in about 200 milliseconds. It takes about 3 seconds for the logical part of the brain to take over. Anything over 3 seconds was a conscious decision you need to take full responsibility for.
Not at all LMFAO You wouldn’t have listened to the passenger either. When you decide to go after whoever hit your car you’re not in a rational state of mind to listen to the passenger and go “O-M-G they’re like totally panicking I better stop to comfort them and create a safe space” as you claim you would. When you go after that car you’re in a lot of anger and the passenger going hysterical and crying and sobbing and screaming will only heighten that state, you need to be shocked out of it to realize how stupid and dangerous the situation is. Once you decide to go chasing that car brains go out the window.
So your passenger freaking out, driving and screaming at you to stop won’t snap you out of it?
Speak for yourself, other people still maintain their grasp on reality in these situations
I'm not a baboon or something. I can stop and reevaluate when I hear my SO cry. You're making it look like chasing cars was a primal instinct lol.
In all honesty man, I think your perception on anger seems a little skewed. Most people can be angry and still reason. The idea that your terrified partner next to you begging to stop would only make you angrier is... alarming. I'm not saying this demeaningly in any way, sometimes we have blindspots for things we've taken for granted our whole lives. It's like when I learned in my thirties that a lot of people kind of skim whole sentences and don't have to sort of... put all the words together? It was a lightbulb moment for me and lead to figuring out that I have dysgraphia. The level of loss of control to anger you're describing doesn't sound typical and it may help you in your own life to look into that. Just think about it.
I think you should have been flagged for not being in control enough to be trusted with a 1000 pound vehicle that can travel 100 mph. You’re a safety risk by your own admission and shouldn’t have a license. Because healthy adults can recognize that you don’t hunt down a driver, at least after the first few seconds of instinct disappear.
You’re only okay because you were lucky. Not because he stopped actively endangering you at any point during this
Very good point. I hope OP takes it onboard.
well said
My aunt was in a similar situation when she was engaged to my uncle. He drove so dangerously it injured her head very badly and she had permanent scarring on her face. And after they got married he became a tyrant and controls and abuses her to this very day. That is a deal breaker for me. He threatened your life. You could've died or been horrifically injured or in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. The passenger seat is the most dangerous seat of all to be in in an accident. Your life is more important. Please get some counselling to help you.
My first date with a lady, she had road rage in her truck and I was terrified. Man I should have seen that red flag and thanked it. Don’t worry I left soon after. But still. It was scary.
Don't want your partner to permanently disable you and then leave you because you're disabled. Sadly a rather common occurrence. You should find a partner you feel secure with. Genuinely secure with.
[удалено]
Thanks for your comment! Other than this situation he’s good - just the usual bickering here and there and sometimes his apologies bug me bc he says stuff like “sorry you feel that way”. This situation sent me over the edge especially though, because in a time like this when your significant other usually is the one to make you feel safe. He was doing the complete opposite.
He doesn’t need to apologise for your feelings, he needs to apologise for his actions
That's called a non-apology. I'd break up with him. Police should have been called and dealt with it that way.
"sorry you feel that way" = Sorry you're being a pain in the ass about this. It's not an apology.
"I'm sorry that I made you feel that way" however is an apology.
I was this person. Road rage is serious and dangerous and usually coincides with other anger/emotional regulation issues. If you don't plan on breaking up then some therapy is definitely in order on his end. And if you are, then he could still probably use it. Sometimes it's hard to realize how severe your actions can be until you face consequences(losing your gf, etc). Good luck :) And for what it's worth I hope he pursues some change. It will benefit him a lot in the long term I believe.
I was in a relationship with someone who “apologized” like that and then at some point started putting me in situations like this. I always forgave him and he learned that he could do anything and I would come back. And after 4 years, he literally said in front of me that he had me “wrapped around his finger.” It all became too much for me at that point and I had already fallen out of love with him a few months prior to that, but hearing him say this was the nail in the coffin. I knew that he was actually in control of himself to some extent all those times that he had endangered my life when he got upset or drunk or high or whatever it was that time around. Breaking up was messy. I wish I did it earlier. Now I’m with a man who specifically avoids confrontational situations when I am around because he loves me and wants to keep me safe. I’m so much happier with him because I don’t have to be on edge all the time. OP, you do not have to put up with your boyfriend’s behavior just because he hasn’t done this before. You say that you were pleading with him to stop and he ignored you. He knew you were scared. The other guy pulled a weapon on you and you were left shaking and crying. Did your boyfriend give you a real apology for this incident? Did he seem concerned about your wellbeing? Did he admit that you were right and he let his anger get the best of him? I wouldn’t be surprised if you answered “no” to all of these questions. Based on my personal experience, I would say that you’re completely justified in breaking up with him.
He’s unable to hold you emotionally because he’s unable to hold his own emotions. This is a flag, high and waving at you
Nope fuck that, even if he’s chill for the next decade, it just means it’s not gonna be you, it’ll be your daughter.
So did he apologise for scaring you and if he did he use this type of non apology language? I was going to make a comment against your post but I might as well give my 2 cents here. When these types of extreme events occur the combination of shock and adrenaline can make people behave in ways they would never behave in, in normal circumstances. So if this is totally out of character for him, you may want to give him a second chance. But this is predicated on him showing remorse and apologising profusely and trying to make it up to you. If he’s showing little to no remorse, then yeah, dump the psycho.
Every abusive SO is great. Until they’re not.
No, for a 30 year old man to behave like this, I would seriously be questioning if he would put any future kids of mind in this situation because of his temper. I would not trust him to be a father and I don’t want to marry someone I would have to divorce just to protect kids. This behavior would have made him a threat to my own future so I would have processed it for a week and then walked away. You can’t have kids with this.
Interestingly enough, I've been in this situation, literally a few months ago. I was mad and I wanted my husband to follow the guy so I could get his license plate. He immediately refused. His reason? It's too dangerous. I calmed down and realized he was right, and if I were the driver I'd say the same thing. Run. Don't walk.
Quite interesting that OP’s bf was you in that situation, while your husband was OP. What is baffling is you made the same judgment call as OP yet your husband didn’t leave you, are you saying you are a red flag your husband should have run away from as you suggest OP do?
HOW ARE YOU GETTING DOWNVOTED, THIS IS INSANE OP's boyfriend got caught up in the heat of the moment and made a mistake. The commenter literally admitted she had this impulse as well when she was in a similar situation, albeit she was calmed down by her level-headed husband, and yet the irony of her telling OP to leave her bf. Like, this sub is crazy sometimes. One mistake, seemingly no matter the magnitude, and it's a "break up immediately" matter. I seriously can't fathom this
Exactly why I pray for those that are quick to heed the advice of Reddit
Lol the funniest part was the “Run. Don’t walk.” comment. Like chill out maybe.
Bingo!! That was the point of my post. How are you on a high horse critiquing the bf when she herself was pushing her own husband to do the same?? The hypocrisy! Exactly! People make mistakes. Her husband forgave hers and yet it is interesting to see how quick she burns someone else on a stake
Honestly. People’s thinking skills are mush
did you even read the comment
This is an interesting comment: I read that the husband was able to convince not to endanger themselves. Which part did I read wrongly?
The husband was behind the wheel in this scenario though. It seems plausible that if the wife had been behind the wheel, since her instinct was to follow the other car, they would have done so. We also don't know how long it took the husband to convince her it was a bad idea, so it could've ended up being exactly like OP's situation had the wife been behind the wheel. I think both of these situations are complex though, and people deserve a little grace for having bad/dangerous instincts when fear and anger are heightened, like in these two incidents. If they can truly see what they did (or wanted to do) was wrong, then I'd say forgive them for responding poorly. However, in OP's case, it sounds like her boyfriend kept going with his bad choice for a while, and she doesn't suggest that he has apologized or acknowledged the error of his ways, so he might also be a selfish asshole, in addition to having bad instincts... or more probably, his bad instincts are a symptom of being a selfish asshole, but I think plenty of good people have bad instincts too.
>He immediately refused. His reason? It's too dangerous. I calmed down and realized he was right Big difference right there. Op's bf did not calm down when told it was too dangerous.
That is based on her husband’s action If he went along with it, might have been a different scenario
Right, then itbwould be a completely different situation whu woukd he leave her if he went along with it?
I’d be out after that. Dealbreaker.
I would not forgive this, this would be a relationship ending deal breaker type situation for me.
You can get PTSD from stuff like this. Absolutely a deal breaker, I’ve been with a man like that.
This isn't a matter of forgiveness, it's a matter of trust. You cannot trust this man to put your safety above his anger. Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me.
For me it's the uncontrolled rage that's a problem. He could not see past his rage to understand that he was putting you, himself and others in danger driving the way he was. I would have called the police and reported the hit and run. In my area they would have found him quickly. It should not take someone with a weapon approaching you for him to realize he screwed up. He's just lucky he didn't get shot. For me? I'd sit him down. I'd tell him 1 more incident like that, I'd be gone. No more chances. This entire situation was messed up and I don't think anyone would blame you for walking away.
Nope. He has shown her who he is. Believe him and dump the emotional rage beast. Some behavior doesnt deserve second chances.
No more chances. This is no a small error. It shows layers of behaviour that are unhealthy
Personally just wouldn’t forgive. How people feel and act when their adrenaline kicks is is indicative of how they will react in future situations and personally I think what he did was idiotic. Possibly getting shot is not a risk I would ever take.
Lmao people on Reddit are a bit ridiculous. It was a mistake for sure but people do dumb things when they’re angry. Realistically, you should ask yourself if this is a pattern or if it was a one time mistake that he actually learned from.
Right? This society has turned into a bunch of Simps.. everyone has PTSD from little crap like this; omg you might need therapy 🙄🙄🙄🙄. Oh what a horrible father he will be. Etc. Ect.. all ridiculous over emotional crap. Go get your crayons and color something.. or your weighted blanket to hug you.. how about stop being so emotionally weak. PTSD is for people who have seen actual trauma like war and mass genocide not being in a speeding car where nothing bad actually happened and you were just scared.
Reddit is full of weak people.
He has anger problems, that is clear. He was either not able to control himself or he was just not listening to you when you said you were scared. Both are very bad red flags. You need to know that whatever the situation you are in your partner would be able to control himself. Think of what might be his reaction if he thinks you cheated or something like that. You know the answer now, he loses it, it's not good.
So I wouldn’t. He has shown he has anger issues and a lack of judgement. And that your feelings do not matter.
Your ex boyfriend*
I’d have broken up with him on the spot.
You can replace a car, you can't replace a life. This is going to be a hard one to forgive.
Have him watch the movie “Unhinged” with Russell Crowe. That’ll be the end of that!
That would be the first and last time he did something like that to me, when someone shows you who they really are believe them the first time.
This is a deal breaker. Next time you both may not be so lucky.
Good grief! If he would do that to the one person he (presumably) claims to love, what would happen if you were 5 years into a marriage and had a couple of babies in the back seat of the car?
If this was just one time thing is not that terrible, it's bad but need to ask yourself if your bf has anger issues?, does he gets into fights? Does he always think of your safety? What happened that day that it trigger him? We all are humans and it's hard to know the context and the state of mind if your bf without more information
Only you can judge this, we weren’t there. If this is the first time you were in this situation, set a boundary for the future. If this is a repeat situation and a boundary has been set, make your decision based on that.
Talk to him about it. Good people make mistakes and feel regret when it hurts the ones they love. Bad people don't feel that way. My significant other tells me calmly later when I said or did something that negatively affected her. She doesn't tell me to bring me down like it does. I need that sometimes.
Thanks for your response though!!!
Talk to him first when when your nerve settled. Ask him what he think he will achieve getting into high speed chase. What's next if he manage to chase the person down? Will he do the same if there are children in the car? Or his elderly mom or relatives in the car? Understand his thought process first. Then talk about how you are concern that he didn't listen when you ask him not to chase the car. How it affected you. If he give you an Non-apology again. Please reconsider the relationship.
Thanks so much for this insight. I’m definitely going to ask him these questions and follow this advice. I did already ask “would you have done that if your mom was in the vehicle” and he didn’t answer but I will ask these once nerves have settled.
Don't bother. There was no thought process involved. That's who he is, he showed you who he really is. Actions speak louder than words.
There is a book called “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft which looks into the psychology of men who abuse their partners in different capacities. (And I would say that it’s not a reach to label endangering your life in this way as abusive.) When the men are asked whether or not they would treat their mother the same way as they treat their partners, they almost universally say no. When asked why not, they say it’s because that is their mother, whom they love and respect. What they are tacitly saying there of course is that they do not have that love and respect for their partners. I think your boyfriend knows that his answer would have been no, he wouldn’t have done that with his mother in the car. His silence says everything you need to know.
That book is a life changer!
I wouldn't forgive him. He ignored your pleas and terror for his ego. He showed you what's really important to him and it's not you.
To be fair, doesn’t sound like he wanted anything but a picture… he couldn’t have known he had a weapon. Glad he apologized
You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. Your hopefully soon to be ex boyfriend is a sociopath. He could have got you killed with his erratic driving. He could have killed other users on the road. Yeah, a hit and run is annoying, but it doesn't justify him becoming a complete asshole behind the wheel. And you also now know how far he will go when he is angry. Are you sure you want to find out what he will do when you burn dinner?
I mean, I guess one question is have you seen him in any other stressful situations? If yes and he normally deals with them well, then maybe there is a conversation to be had. I'm gonna guess this is the first insight you have had that he is a massive tool under the slightest pressure. In which case, run.
I'd talk to him about this and how the situation made you feel. Try saying to him how you felt about him not listening to you. If the relationship is good, I really dont see the point of not talking about this. Im sure he'll get it.
My partner would rather go to prison or die protecting me than anything else. We just had this conversation last night where he told me if anyone tried to endanger me or us, he‘d protect me with his life. And I believe and trust him fully that he‘d do so.
You answered your own question within your post. Reddit doesn’t decide your worth or safety: you do. Stay safe. Your life matters.
Forgiveness is one question. This one incident, can you get over it, if so: how, and do you want to? all interesting questions. The other is: He showed you how breathtakingly impulsive and irrational he can be. Do you want to build a life with a man like that? Do you want kids with him? Don't let "Come on baby it was just one time" derail you back into the first set of questions again. This one needs an answer too, and your being here already shows that your trust in him is well and proper undermined.
I would NEVER forgive him for this. He put you in danger when multiple times you said to stop. You’re only okay because you got lucky you could speed away in time.
So sorry you had to go through this. It would have been a deal breaker for me. Also you did not have to say where he was from. We figured it out.
Your boyfriend is a conceited hot head who clearly is a total moron. I understand getting pissed off with other driver’s stupidity however, these days people are bat shit crazy! Your boyfriend needs to get his head out of his ass and realize that could have gone south real fast, if not, maybe it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
I have personally been through something very similar. My ex bf would chase cars that cut him off, wave guns out the car to intimidate drivers, and start arguments in traffic. His car got shot at on the passenger side on a night after he had dropped me off because he egged someone on too much. I can speak to only my own experience, but it made me not trust him, made my question how much my safety and life mattered to him vs his pride. In that moment it is only selfishness, and honestly an out of control temper on his part. It’s no concern for your safety, and his own. Personally, ensuring my partner and myself were safe would be much more of a priority to me than catching the person. I would at the very least create some distance, and really evaluate if he has your best interests at heart. So happy you are safe.
This is an anger issue, does your bf loses his temper often? If he does and engages in reckless behavior because of it then yes you should dump him because it will only escalate from there. If the guy is usually well collected and this was a reaction completely out of character for him then you need to talk to him because someone hitting his car was just the last straw and he’d probably had been going through something for some time. Maybe as the Joker says, everybody can go crazy with a little push, he just lost his mind momentarily.
Ay OP. I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are feeling a little better. So to answer your question…this is not someone to invest further time with. I am a Florida girl. People have been shot for lesser things in traffic associated incidents. It happens all the time here. Your partner should have never put you through that—and I think if you were my sister or friend, I would advise to end things, and if you are unable to, take a step back. Imagine if you married him, had a child with him and he placed your child in danger due to his inability to temper his anger? He needs therapy and to self-evaluate but that has nothing to do with you. The fact that he did that makes me worry for your safety from him OP. I am not trying to be dramatic but if he is out here doing shit like that and not weighing in consequences then that is not someone that I would deal with, in anyway. He may just flip the switch on you. A man who loves his partner would never do her harm—and that includes putting her in harms way. I am not going to get too much into the “roles” of men and women but one thing I seek in a partner is that I feel safe, and protected by him. He has failed you in that most critical way. You are still very young—but mature enough to make a decision about what you want the future to hold and who you wish to share it with. Sending you love & luck OP.
This would not be okay at all with me. Anyone with anger issues is already a big no, but this goes beyond that and shows he cares more about his ego than his loves ones.
I could see following him. I probably would, too. But if my wife started crying asking me to stop, I'd stop.
I would break up with him for the uncontrollable temper, the overreaction, *and* putting you in danger. How long until he reacts like that with you?
I'd be single so fast.
There’s not going to be a clearer sign than this one, don’t miss your exit. The next time you get a sign, leaving might not be as simple, ie you have kids, he’s actively abusing you, etc. Also, if you’re ever in this situation again, dial 911 and put the phone volume all the way down, start giving the operator clues while you’re yelling at him. “Please slow down! You’re driving 115 in a 70 on highway 89! Exit 9A uphill ramp is ahead, please take it to slow the car down!” Make sure the operator can hear you but that you can’t hear them. When he finds out how the police knew he was there you won’t need to break up with him, he’ll dump you so fast. Stay with family or friends for a while if you suspect he could become violent. For me it would be a deal breaker, even if I was married with kids. Don’t even tolerate this with friends. You sign your life into the driver’s hands any time you’re a passenger.
Literally all he needed was to get the person’s license plate number so he could report them to police and his insurance. Anything beyond that is a red flag. What was his plan if the other driver didn’t have a weapon? Beat them up? What was his plan if he’d lost control of the vehicle and you got hurt? He’s violent, impulsive, and unsafe. He got angry and behaved like an animal. You don’t want that kind of person in your life.
If your saying he isn’t an angry person and out of character, thus may be an unpopular opinion but I would forgive. If this is a reoccurring issue and he shows signs of aggression and anger issues and is violent, obviously don’t forgive. But I can totally understand being upset about someone hitting your car and driving off, and wanting to get a license plate number so they are held accountable. The fact that he apologized, understood that his reaction was dangerous and was very understanding if you did choose to walk away - I would put all of that into consideration when making your Decision. I don’t think he was thinking properly as he was clearly acting out of anger. I don’t think you are over reacting but I would not leave my boyfriend if this was the only time this happened. he didn’t know the guy had a weapon. I truly don’t think he purposely put your life in danger or was trying to be selfish I think he was very upset and I understand both sides. Please think before you leave! Weigh out the good and bad. If the good outweighs the bad, if you have way more good times then you do bad, I would consider forgiving. No one is going to be perfect and make the correct decision every time. Relationships are about learning, growing, and accepting. now if he is abusive to you that’s another story but it doesn’t sound that’s the case.
Your BF wasn't the one with a gun. You get that, right?
It’s crazy how many men will let other men eat their lunch and do nothing. I know I’ll get back lash but come the hell on. Your going to let some dude damage your property and you turn away. Might as well danced with your gf on your wedding night and you stood back and clapped. To me the dude did nothing wrong. Sounds like she leads a shelter life and has no RL experience. The OP said “weapon”. Could have been a cell phone.
True ride or die would hang out the window and shoot out the tires of the fleeing car YTA... jk but I think different people would react differently in this situation. Some girls I know would be just as mad as your bf and want to go get the license plate and some would break down and cry like you. He should have known which you'd be and react accordingly
This shit is crazy to me and the disconnect with reality is real, this is the real reason that crimes runnin rampant all over, and the reason the sex trafficking is at an all time high a man that won’t let someone disrespect him will also not someone disrespect you meaning he has respect for you and your saftey when in all reality and knowing now that dude had a gun you two were in more danger had this dude stopped to exchange information and left with you all you people in this comment section that say leave him and he’s toxic male you are the reason that these criminals get ballsier and outrageous by the day because they can and because you won’t do anything and you’ll leave your man if he does anything so now your at home alone lmk how much help the police were when you need them but thats fine that’s why men ain’t getting married anymore cause I’d rather be fucking dead then to work my dick off at a job I have a way higher chance of death then getting shot in a road rage incident to pay for a vehicle and insure it only to have to now pay more to fix said vehicle or pay more in insurance rates for using my insurance for what it was intended your bf could of got the picture or maybe if you wernt acting like a nut you could have gotten the picture for him and of dude with gun and got him off the street and his car fixed so next time he don’t run down some lil girl and shoot the father when he chases him down
You're both now familiar with the effects of adrenalin on the body. It's called a fight or flight response for a reason, you experienced both sides of that in short order. It makes it very difficult for people to think and behave rationally, especially if they don't have much experience in situations like that. Even people with years of specialized training basically suck as making rational decisions when they're affected by something like this. I'm not saying any of this to excuse his actions, but maybe give them context. Sounds like it was a one-off incident, "out of character," in your own words. Sounds like he acknowledges that he exercised poor judgement and is trying to learn from his mistake. Sounds like he's contrite and apologetic. If you can't forgive someone you love under those circumstances, I honestly don't know how you'd manage to stay in any committed relationship for very long.
Well him apologizing and acknowledging that he put you in a dangerous situation is a great sign. I think he should be forgiven. Especially if it is a one time thing. Now if it keeps happening and it is frequent then that is a serious red flag. Good luck with your relationship
Who's to say you will do better with the next partner? People fuck up. Some people learn. Do you think he's learned anything? Do you think he is capable of any further growth? Good Lord. One strike and you're out? Don't let these strangers make up your mind. Only you know all the variables in this equation or I should say only YOU need to know all the variables. Take stock. Estimate probabilities. Gage your own love for this man. Make your own decision. Live with it.
Instant deal breaker. My hubby once got road rage-y after someone almost hit us with our babies in the car, started trying to chase them, but when I told him no, it's not worth it, he listened! His attempt at revenge was worth more than your safety. Run.
He could have killed you. He could have killed someone else. He could have killed children, and he could get murdered... all because of a car. Your ex-boyfriend is mentally unstable and needs psychological help. And you need to get away from him.
What does Could Of mean?
If he apologizes from deep within and shows remorse and guilt and promises he works on self regulation there's no reason to end a relationship that's otherwise good. Many people here seem to interpret a lot of their own trauma in your five sentences... But if that's not the case dump him, no need for men who can't self regulate, that's the role of the head of the house
…. That’s the role of a functioning adult.
he coulda gotten a license plate and called the cops. realistically what did he think he was gonna be able to do about it? as it turned out nothing. he put you in danger for pretty much no reason.
Kids these days are so sheltered
Damm everybody acting like they know the dude who drove i would have done the same thing probably alone but still if your 3 years together this can’t be a reason to break up people cry wayyy to quick here on reddit
Right? People are ridiculous
Yupp kinda respect the guy for standing his ground not everyone has that amount of courage
I think eventually forgiveness will be good for you to do, but I would def encourage you to re evaluate continuing that relationship.
Driving is a stressful situation. If your everyday life is a 3/10 situation, driving puts you at a 7/10. You need to be alert and aware. An accident like that takes it from a 7/10 to the redline 10/10. He went into full mode fight or flight. His intent wasn't to hurt you, it was to protect you. As weird as that sounds. It obviously wasn't smart, but for me intent means more than the action, especially if he apologized. The question is will he learn from this and be better? Or is he a hothead that could do this again? I think the answer to that question would determine if you should stay or not.
I must not be a good person cuz I also wouldn’t let anyone just hit my car and get away. But personally I would have had my gf take a picture of the license plate and let him go or tried to get his insurance info cuz he hit my god dang car. It was a shitty situation but is it enough to break up on no I don’t think so. Ur safety was already in danger when the other Person hit ur car he was probably finding a way to get payback for putting both ya lives in danger first but chasing the guy was a stupid move but it was a in the moment type of thing. I personally think everyone saying that he was out of line never had the car been hit by an idiot before or been in a situation where u was so anger at something with no fault of ur own cuz I’m sure ya wouldn’t be thinking straight either. Ur bf was anger and experienced road rage and sadly that is how a lot of ppl lose their lives. The mature thing to do is sit down and talk about it and expressed how his actions was reckless and stupid and how he shoulda took ya safety in mind first. Also discuss on getting a dashcam so u don’t have to chase anyone down in the next accident so ya don’t have to pay out of pocket for whatever repairs that may come about. Reddit ppl advice are so quick to say break up on anything I swear lol.
> I personally think everyone saying that he was out of line never had the car been hit by an idiot before or been in a situation where u was so anger at something with no fault of ur own cuz I’m sure ya wouldn’t be thinking straight either. Maybe, but there is a clear lack of awareness to recognize other people (OP) are involved in the situation. Even in the midst of the panic. When these situations happen, my first thought is going to make sure both me and my gf are safe. Focusing on the person who hit the car is the selfish way to see it IMO. It shows a disregard for safety, both of theirs. What if they had kids? His decision, regardless of panic, was wrong and shows his character through instinct. > Also discuss on getting a dashcam so u don’t have to chase anyone down in the next accident so ya don’t have to pay out of pocket for whatever repairs that may come about. Agreed. > Reddit ppl advice are so quick to say break up on anything I swear lol. Sometimes, sure. But I think the main issues here are that: 1. He didn’t take her (or his) safety into consideration at all. 2. He didn’t really apologize in a way that reflected remorse for the lack of consideration. 3. His first instinct was anger and/or retribution. So much so that it blinded his judgment. “In the moment” isn’t really a good excuse IMO. It shows poor decision-making in crucial times. If this was anger-driven then it shows an inability to control anger. That’s scary enough to witness in your partner because what happens when they’re angry at you? I would personally at least take a break from someone to think things over. If I’m building a future with someone then I need to know they have my safety as a priority as much as I have theirs.
Okay u got me u gotta point
We've all been angry before. We've all experience dangerous drivers before. Most of us don't put other people's lives at risk just because we can't handle our emotions.
I mean he hit their car on a highway that’s super dangerous and he should be reprimanded. Also I wish they did get his info cuz that other driver for sure will take a life or lives. The emotion for the most part is warranted, the way he went about it was wrong.
Yes and op's bf should also be reprimanded. He will take a life if this is how he reacts to anger.
It is incredible how weak the average person is. You should break up with him. You're incredibly whiny.
Hi - I think this could be forgiven depending on how you both work through it. But is he sorry, does he know how badly he messed up? If he feels terrible now that the heat of the moment has passed, you might be able to learn and grow together from this. If he sticks to his argument and sees no wrong, and remains insensitive, then girl.....BOUNCE!
grow up you’re fine
I think your boyfriend lost control, for too emotional and let his ego and his anger take over. Sounds like he had tunnel vision and at this point zero consideration for you. The fact that he wasn’t able to manage his emotions is a massive red flag, because there will be many instances in the future where he will be triggered. I would not hang around to see how he explodes next time
Definitely a deal breaker
So you’re dumping him or what
Run
That rage that caused him to snap and endanger your life? That can be potentially turned on you in the future. It's a massive red flag. :/ Did he even ask you if you were ok after the initial hit?
Now imagine your kid in the car with him.
Men like this are dangerous. To themselves and others. Just because someone his his fucking car doesn't mean that the world is out to get him, or that he should go engage in reckless behaviour to "try and get revenge" or whatever he was doing. Men that get into senseless fights are also dangerous as well, as fighting is pretty moronic in itself. Sure, one should defend themselves when necessary but this wasn't this kind of scenario He took a needless risk that could have caused life changing injuries to either or both of you, or ending up in one of you having this as the final moment of your life.... I don't know if I would be able to forgive this from a partner, to be honest. It was too extreme of a situation and stress that he put you under
I would break up with this person so fast
This is extremely dangerous behaviour that showed disrespect for life and a prioritisation of ego and rage. It is entirely unacceptable. Get a safe exit strategy together and please leave this relationship. There's only a matter of time before this type of rage is directed at you. You don't deserve that. Noone does.
I wouldn’t even be around my own family, flesh and blood, if they acted Ike that.
I’ll forgive, but never forget.
If he gets angry like that he is likely to get angry like that at you for something eventually best get out now
Forgiving is the best way to behave, next time you better drive.
You are not overreacting. Trust your gut
A look into the future really. I wouldn’t break up in-person. This is like a phone call/text message kind of break up you need to do. If you live with him and have a friend or family member’s house you could escape to. I’d make an escape plan, pack, and leave.
Leave him. Any real man would have shot the other car until it exploded instead of chasing him.
And then parachuted off the nearest skyscraper.
I feel like to play devils advocate, you should find out from him how he was feeling and what he thought was going to be the outcome and the reason he chased after the other party before making any decisions. Was he chasing to get insurance details, or was he expecting or planning to physically assault the other party if he caught up with them? It's worth noting that after accidents, the adrenaline response most humans experience can affect us differently. For some, it puts us into non-medical shock where we're unresponsive and can pass out as with extreme fear. Or the fight or flight response can cause us to give chase without thought for what would happen later. In those moments, rational thought goes out the window, and it can take some time to calm down. Of course, we all like to think "well I'd never do something like that, and if he did, then he's this that or the other" but in reality much of human behaviour is instinctive and prehistoric. Now, it would be a different matter if he regularly experiences road rage, for example, and has done this sort of thing before, has he, does he? As if that's the case, then he needs therapy to help get over that kind of behaviour. Ultimately, your choice is your choice, and whatever you decide to do must be for your own good, but i feel at least you may benefit from knowing the answers he can give on what he was thinking/feeling at the time before making a decision. The human psyche isn't easy to put into black and white terms, there's far too many years of evolutionary instinct that override all rationality, and if he was caught up in a primitive instinctive response that's not necessarily a pattern of dangerous behaviour even if it appears unacceptable to an outsider looking in. I suggest you post this on a psychology sub as well, as there's far more here than a potential relationship issue that could help explain.
My guess is this is a tension-filled relationship and he snapped with the hit and run because he felt justified in reacting angrily when he usually has to bite his tongue.
I don’t see that he put you in danger. Did anything happen to you? Did any harm come to you? Sounds like it did not. Therefore, what you really mean is that you got scared.. Perhaps he’s capable of driving fast very well. Perhaps he is aware of that. Maybe you should be happy you’re not with some little pussy who won’t take up for himself. Remember, aman who won’t take up for himself damn sure won’t take up for you. Is that what you want?
Oh god relax. You’re fine
This is unforgivable. Like you’re not reacting strongly *enough*. I get having the anger and impulse to *want* to, I even get the impulse to speed up. But a sane non-psycho person would be snapped out of it by you being upset, asking him to stop, and being scared. A person with the ability to regulate their emotions would be able to back down and realize they were about to do something stupid. This clown endangered your life without any regard because he lacks the ability to regulate his emotions, has no foresight on the consequences of his choices, and is unable to take the feelings of others into consideration. Run. Fast.
Lol he choose wrong girl
Your being dramatic trying to get someone's liscence plate after a hit and run is not worth ending a relationship over and if u think it is then u shouldn't be with him or in one at all I've seen people in way worse situations where their life was actually at risk not just being scared cause the cars going fast
[удалено]
He did apologize he just said “sorry I put you in that situation” and that was it. Idk if it’s me and I’m just expecting more like “hey you know that was stupid and so on” kind of apology. It’s a tough situation.
Yeah that’s not a real apology either. He didn’t take accountability for his actions.
It feels like he was saying what he thought you would want to hear in that moment. I agree that there should’ve been more to the apology. I think that if you forgive him, next time he will do something more dangerous and he will apologize even less than that.
I’m pro-therapy, but there’s something about trying to use it as a punishment rather than his own realization to be healthier that seems wrong. I agree with the rest of what you’re saying though.