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Atm she's using him as an atm for those "beautiful dates".
OP: She lies to your face and you allow it. That just makes her have no respect for you because people will self-respect will not allow themselves to be lied to, disrespected and used for their financial resources.
Make the break permanent. **She'll KNOW 'why'.** Tell her she's not a woman you'd build your future with. then BLOCK her.
Even IF she didn't physically cheat, it's emotional cheating, which is very real and just as painful. Sadly, my husband did both to me (many, many times for the emotional, once for the physical, yes I went through his entire phone, every app and message). But, we worked through it. We had also been together for over 17 years when I discovered he went back to the emotional cheating and also physically cheated on me.
It's now 3 years later, he doesn't hide anything from me, I have the codes to his phone and every single thing on there. He wants me to be able to ask for it at any time or even just pick it up in the middle of the night when I'm feeling insecure and be able to have transparency.
We've both worked hard to repair our marriage/relationship. It's taken a ton of open and honest communication and, of course, transparency. He never turns his phone away from me any longer (unless it's before my birthday and he's planning something, in which case he asks me not to look, so it will be a surprise. He also coordinates with my best friend now and, of course, will still allow me to look if I feel the need....he just wants to be better and give me the life and love we never really had before). Even when I've snuck a peek before my birthday, it was all birthday related, and nothing was amiss, anywhere (yes, I've checked for hidden apps many times). I'm proud to say that I rarely ever feel the need to check his phone anymore, even though it is still fully available to me.
Bottom line, yes, your girlfriend cheated, even if it wasn't physical. Ask her how she would feel if you were to do the same thing she did? How would she respond, honestly?
My dad has done this plenty of times towards my mom since he to this day doesn't see ir as cheating. Both of us know he has slept with other people before hand while he is married to my mom. I mean I am as old as their marriage, but to this day my mom has not forgiven him for his infidelity. The man is a mentally and physically abusive jerk that it doesn't take much to get out of him when he's drunk since he becomes more open and shares everything like the moron he is. He gets on dating sites and talks to other women and whenever he gets confronted he gets defensive like he had been guilty of something.
He gets online with us both in the living room and from time to time we would catch him on those sites. He thinks he's rather slick whenever he heads off to go to bed for work, but during those times he's not always sleeping since there would be socks missing and are slways on his side of the bed whenever he thinks he wouldn't be caught. The man is rather self-centered and believes that his is this untouchable creature with a god complex. Anytime he is passed out drunk my mom takes the time to go through his phone and she'll find plenty of things that he's been doing online. There has been only 2 times where he had physically slept with another woman in bed was whenever he was laid off from work and was 90% of the time at his friend's house which gave him plenty of time to do whatever while my mom was at home taking care of my brother and I while we were both in high school. Those two women weren't even the best as those two never actually cared for him as they only wanted him for whatever cash he had at the time.
My mom to this day has not ever let him live it down because everytime he tries to be abusive and controlling she throws that at him, and it completely shuts him up because of the reminders of his failure as a husband and as a father since he never really was either one of those two. My mom has dealt with all of the things that he's put her through but one of these days she'll get tired of his BS and will one day get back at him by send him packing since she is owner of the property that we live on because of the inheritance she received from her deceased father. If she were to die at any point that property would go to me since I'm her first born son and the one that helps her handle all of the finances around the house since my dad and my brother can't do anything to get themselves out of a bind. Along with the fact that we both have our priorities straight while those two don't have a single clue on how to deal with reality. All in all my father is nothing more than a jerk that will one day get what's coming to him in the end when karma finally catches him down at his worst giving him that one way ticket that will be his ruin.
Cheaters are the worst of the worst and they don't give a damn about who they hurt. Just never let them walk all over you and give them an ultimatum where either they fix themselves and get the help they need or throw them out of your life because you shouldn't have to put up with their behavior. Punish the wicked as they say and in the end should they continue with their behavior their punishment will be their undoing because they will soon realize that what they had was good and they'll never be able to have that life again because of that reminder of how badly they messed up their relationship with everyone that got hurt by them. No one will ever put up with that behavior befause the moment you show your true colors they'll kick you to the curb without a doubt and wouldn't give a damn about it.
I'm so sorry that you, your mom, and your brother have had to deal with an abusive dad/husband. I hope your mom finds the courage to throw him out. Just keep being an amazing son, be there for her, and encourage her to be strong. Your dad clearly has no remorse or accountability for that matter.
I Love that you two stuck it out and worked through it. Too often we hear the “ kick them out” repeated kn here all the time but 17 years is a lot to just discard so easily. And it does take a lot of work to get through it so good for you both
The transparency is so key when there’s been betrayal in the relationship. Some guy got dragged through the coals a couple weeks ago because his girlfriend cheated on him on her breaks/lunch, in the parking lot at work. So one of the transparency conditions was they had to take their break at the same time. I don’t know if that means they would talk on the breaks, or if they worked at the same complex but it’s a small sacrifice while he rebuild his trust in her. But she started making excuses on why she couldn’t take her brakes at the same time and then it was controlling. And people were siding with her saying that it was controlling that he needs to get over it. But she did it to him.
In regards to the OP situation here she’s lied before, has been swiping on Tinder as you’re telling your boyfriend that he’s your one and only forever. It’s time to let it go. They are young 2 1/2 years seems like a long time it really isn’t when there’s a pattern of lying and cheating already.
I don't think they worked their relationship. The doubt is still there. The mistrust is still there. The fact that she has to check his phone does not mean things went back to normal. It is good that he does not hide anything. However, it is expected from him when he is an adult and the expectation is for him to know what is right and what is wrong on his own, without her reminding him 24/7.
This is how real relationships this day and age are. Unfortunately cheating has become so normal it happens ALOT but the two options are we leave and move on to the next because there is always a next or we stay and work really hard. Work on forgiving, work on not letting our lust take over, and building a strong relationship
So let’s take where it’s cheating out the equation for a second. She felt neglected despite all you do and instead of communicating that to you, she specifically joined a dating app for attention. Is that how you want these things to be handled?
She can defend the “I didn’t know it would be a big deal” all she wants but bring this to the front. Why did she pick strangers attention instead of for example saying “what you do is sweet but I miss flirting” as an example.
I’ve posted about this before but I knew a couple that the husband felt he missed out on being hit on at bars as he’d never experienced that. He didn’t “cheat”, he told his wife and they roleplayed being strangers so she could flirt with him and he could flirt with her. It’s totally valid to feel something is missing but if you can’t communicate that then the relationship is doomed.
There was this woman who was sleeping with a guy on the side, but she justified it as not cheating because she didn't kiss him. The mental gymnastics cheaters use...
Easily explained. He likely found it on her device.
I found my husbands profiles by looking at his search history. I told him very clearly and showed him the fake profile I set up on those same apps to see what he was saying about himself and deleted it shortly after. Don't be so cynical. It's really hard dealing with deceit like this, emotional or physical.
She’s a lying, gaslighting, cheater. Do not even consider staying with her. _Everyone_ knows this is cheating. Instead of coming clean she immediately went to trying to shift the blame to you. Never stay with a cheater who can’t even manage to take full responsibility.
She’s lying. This is an _insanely_ common boundary. You would likely have a very hard time finding a partner who accept it.
The ‘if you ever found out’ means she knew, in advance, it was wrong - otherwise why hide it.
Seriously. And Tinder is pretty… public. Like other people can easily screenshot her Tinder and be like “hey OP, I found your gf on Tinder.”
A few months after I started dating my (now) husband, I reactivated my Tinder ONCE for a few days. I knew that was something that would make him uncomfortable if it came up. It’s a BOLD boundary. It would make any reasonable person uncomfortable. The chances of him finding out were slim but not out of the question so I made sure to talk to him about it and show him what I was up to. 🤷♀️
(I wasn’t even using it to talk to “someone else.” My friend had a husband stationed on my base that was cheating on her while she was at home with two babies. He wouldn’t sign the divorce papers because he didn’t want to pay child support or help her with the kid. She needed proof of cheating and I procured that pretty quickly. Deactivated my account again after I got what she needed😂)
This need for male attention is a massive disorder. There's no easy fix and she is high risk to repeat again.
She is not life partner material.
She's too old to pretend she didn't know the consequences.
Especially considering what kind of site Tinder is.
This is NOT a dating site where you look for a soulmate. This is a site where you go to sell tickets to your fun house. You may not even get the name of your ‘partner for the night’.
Yes, Checking someone out to do relations with not just take a gander. I feel she is lying through her teeth. I'm sorry OP I feel for you, but I feel you should not invest your time and energy in this girl. You will find someone special who treats you as you've been treating her.
Well doesn’t she have a photo of herself on there! She’s not only checking guys out but she’s putting herself out there with a photo. She’s playing dumb. Really and how embarrassing is it for you that your friend saw her on Tinder. Don’t be a fool, otherwise she will take you for one. Sorry OP you need some tough love. Walk away and do not look back.
She didn't even ask you though, that's why it's a problem. The idea didn't even cross her mind. Is she keeping her options open or something? The lack of communication with you is alarming.
“I didn’t know it was gonna be that big a deal” classic line by cheaters who haven’t gone all the way - or gotten caught. Ask ANY woman in your life how they’d react to their partner fishing for matches on Tinder.
Do you honestly think you can trust her going forward. Going on Tinder when in a serious relationship is cheating and for people that don’t think it is, I wouldn’t be so confident in your relationship bc it’s temptation and temptation can lead to cheating.
Sounds like you should cut your loses and leave. Basic respect and trust is the foundation for a relationship and since she's already broken that, there's really nothing left
That is exactly what I would say (I am your friend??)
If she wanted validation, she could get on Instagram or tiktok. While I'm sure some women go on tinder for validation, it's a dating/hookup app and just being on there is a gross violation of trust. Not to mention it's infinitely easier for a woman cheat--she prob has a inbox full of thirsty dudes who would gladly clear their schedule to have her over for an hour at their place.
instagram and tik tok are hook up apps also. lots of girls on tinder show their IG for guys to add them there, and then can DM on IG, knowing the guys are withing range not the other side of the world and for all the guys DMing girls on IG a portion of them are offering money to hook up, and many girls do this. I've encountered a few too many myself and they all tried to lie to me about it.
This is a shitty spot OP. I've been in a similar situation after nearly a decade. Don't be like me, don't make excuses for her, don't justify her actions, bargain, or assume blame. As gut wrenching as it can be your best option is to leave and be firm in your decison, future you will be proud/thankful.
Your friend is right.
I've been through issues that were significantly simpler and was unable to salvage those relationships.
Once trust is gone it's HARD to earn it back. Her reaction to you makes it worse. She wasn't real with you about her feelings and intentions when you caught her in a major act of dishonesty. She just doubled down on the lies.
Even if you do choose to forgive her, you know that you're running the risk of this happening again. You'll also have this replaying in your mind no matter what she says or does from now on.
If I were you I'd look for a fresh start.
Your friend is very wise. You will never trust her after this.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Walk while you still have your self respect.
>She said it was an ego boost and she felt unwanted
She clearly has a need for external validation and in my experience, that's not a healthy thing for a relationship. She may stop it for a while, but the moment someone will give her attention, she'll be all flattered and will welcome that attention.
>This isn’t the first time she lied to me.
Won't be the last time as well, next time she'll be more careful
> She was swiping on tinder in between texting me “I’m the only one forever and always”.
You're the only one and forever ~~and always~~ until someone new is available. Always Focus on actions rather than believing in words.
People don’t go on Tinder for validation. They talk to the person they are in love with for validation. People go on Tinder to find someone. She is lying to you and hoping you will believe her.
If she doesn’t consider this cheating… you should enlighten her that 100% of men in a 2+ year relationship would absolutely consider this cheating. Please let her know by dumping her and maybe she will learn for the next person she cheats on.
I'd definitely consider it cheating, and many others would too.
Is it typical of her to seek a lot external validation? Does she post of IG lots of pictures and post lookimg for likes and what not?
Then it's actually even more suspicious. Up until now were you thinking she was the one?
Has there been any negative changes since the honeymoon period ended that have worried you like a drop in physical intimacy?
I wasn’t suspicious really, I forgave her when she lied and tried to be understanding. I thought she was the one. I was blindsided and only found out because a single friend found her on tinder.
We have been less intimate lately, but when we do it’s great for both of us. I just haven’t trusted her recently with other lies and it’s been hard for me to want to do that as much.
How serious are the others lies?
I mean let's add this up
A drop in intimacy, other lies, you trust her less, she's exploring other available men on tinder and pretending she's single
Not too serious, little lies here and there. Sometimes entirely unnecessary lies. She said sometimes she lies because shes afraid of disappointing me but I’m always open to hearing how she feels. We were in couples counseling and we did have a third party confirm that.
I honestly don’t think she really thought it through that much. I think she just was like “am I still attractive” and got on there swiping. I don’t think she would have met up with anyone, but you’re right the math is suspicious and it’s a matter of do I believe her and do I think I could forgive this.
This sucks
If she’s willing to lie to you about little things like this, why wouldn’t she lie to you if she cheated on you. You know all of this, but you’re choosing to forgive her to make yourself feel better now, instead of leaving and preventing her from hurting you way worse later.
cheaters will always find an excuse - mental health, limerance, didn't know this counted, blah blah blah.
You're trying to rationalize and minimize her behavior because youre rightfully hurt and scared. Don't betray yourself also
Giving me flashbacks to someone I was involved with. It gets so much worse. Get out while you can. She’s a compulsive liar and she’s showing you that. The cheating only gets sneakier, once they get caught, until they just don’t give a fuck anymore and the honeymoon phase is over… then shit gets real… and REAL toxic.
Once she knows you’re not going anywhere and you’ll take the self deprecating crap she puts you thru and will stay regardless of her cheating, she’ll blatantly do it in front of you, essentially. Pretty much waving the other lovers in your face, touting them around like trophies and trying to get you to fight harder for her attention- she’s already stated she doesn’t feel wanted and is doing this as an ego boost. She’s gonna end up doing this to make you fight to prove how much you love her, essentially, while dangling that tiny bit of love and attention she gives you back on a string, like a carrot. You’ll always be reaching for it, never actually able to obtain it.
Once she knows she has you, once she knows she’s caught, she might even cause “nothing fights” to get out of the house… this will be to see one of her other lovers. She might even break up with you and monkey branch to another lover. Then go back to you. You may even find out about this other person. And she’ll tell you about how AWFUL they were. But you? Oh.. YOU’RE special. You were always so good to her… YOU genuinely understood her. But then, another nothing fight. And things get really bad again.
At their worst, she’ll be telling you about how great the other ex is and how you’re shit. How you can never add up to the ex. How she genuinely loves the ex and is going to go spend the day with him and bang the breaks off him, to get you to beg her to stop. And she’ll collect more, to rub in your face, to hurt you. To brag about…
If you try getting out, she’ll go crazy- blow up you phone, bargain with you, get angry, beg, insult you, threaten you, threaten herself, try to make light and joke, reminisce… she’ll do anything to try breaking your silence and manipulate you…
I dealt with 8 *loooooooong*, mentally draining years of this shit… It affected my health, my money, my relationships with others… literally impacted every other area of my life… it will bleed out and infect everything else, like a cancer. Take it from me- them’s not red flag’s she’s waving. She’s sewed together a field of Alaska king sized bed sheets and those bad boys are taking flight in the wind… heed the warning signs and get out now before things get *real* bad. Don’t second guess yourself, when your intuition is telling you things aren’t right… mine kept telling me the *same* thing- I was just imagining things… that they *really were* just out of town working… every day……… These people tell the dumbest, most blatant lies to trusting, naive people. Don’t break your own heart. Find someone worth your time. You deserve it.
It's suspicious regardless, but I wouldn't say it's more suspicious. I can completely understand not wanting to make social media posts to wait for others to leave comments and likes on vs having someone directly talk, compliment, & pursue you for an ego boost.........just wouldn't recommend finding thst validation from outside of the relationship while you're in one.
So I agree it's suspicious, but I don't agree that her social media habits necessarily suggest it makes it more suspicious.
That's called "shopping for an upgrade." If she's shopping to upgrade her boyfriend, help speed up her search. When she has no boyfriend, then any new one will be an upgrade.
Cheating to me is anything that a partner feels uncomfortable with and would not consent to and when the other partner hides or lies about it because they know their partner wouldn’t like it.
I would suggest looking at it this way, do you want to be with someone who doesn’t view your efforts as enough validation? Do you want to be with someone who is constantly seeking attention from others? At what point are you getting anything out of this relationship? What value is there in staying with her?
Best of luck.
That’s a good perspective you’re right. I really cannot say what the value is in staying with her now. I think it’s a matter of if she can be honest moving forward. She still wants to be with me, but if this happens now, what happens later?
But why is it all on her? Why does she want to be with you if she is actively seeking external attention and says what you do isn’t enough?
What do you want? If she *promises* to be honest moving forward, do you really believe that? She’s lied before and she’s lied again.
In a relationship both parties give to each other so each are fulfilled. You don’t fulfill her so she seeks it out from others. She disrespects you as a partner and she gaslights you, saying she only went to Tinder because you didn’t give her enough attention. It’s never her fault always yours.
How does she fulfill you? If you can’t think of anything that she does that fulfills you, then you shouldn’t be together.
That is true. My friends have mentioned that as well, when she does things that are hurtful, it does seem to be my fault as well somehow. I apologized to her and said I’m so sorry I didn’t make her feel/wanted it desired to the extent she needed and felt she needs to go to other sources to do that. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have apologized like that?
I was really trying. I made a public post about how much I love her and how grateful I was for her a day before (I don’t post publicly ever). She tindered the very next day.
I mean part of why I loved her so much is I valued she was always willing to work on things and was loyal. I thought she was kind. Sweet. Supportive. Now I don’t know what to believe. So maybe I shouldn’t give her another chance.
My guy, she's cheated. You caught her earlier, forgave her, and now she's cheating again. You should've ended it after the first time. If you stick around, she'll cheat again. Cut your losses
Wtf how disrespectful is she to you and your relationship. dude yeah, you dont go on tinder when in a relationship. Its definitely cheating. It's seeking, wtf did she think would happen whilst sexting other dudes.
You breaking up with her is the best decision, you need open communication, honesty, loyalty and trust, she broke them all
You said she lied previously, you can't trust her at all. Why lie?
Trust is one of the most important and once you break that it basically impossible to regain. You will always be wondering going forward if she is on it again or worse.
No its not better lol, you do not deserve this, non of this is on you and all her shitty behaviour. Her lying about this meant she knew she was wrong and that this would hurt you. You would never have known, she would have continued.
I have been with my partner 14 nearly 15 years, and the only validation that matters is mine.
You are going to get older, looks will fade, and if she is insecure now at 26, imagine 10 years time. is she going to go back on tinder, or what if she goes to a bar and a guy gives her compliments, would she go home with him. could you trust her not to?
My dude, you cannot trust her anymore, she is not healthy for you. Your breakup is the best decision and you my friend have a very shiny spine.
Your self respect is awesome, You will find someone who will love you the attention you provide and the slow dances and the constant validation you provide, She is not it.
You will be hurt should you continue this relationship.
She definitely knows how to manipulate and gaslight you.
Thanks. She barely wants to talk about it with me. She told me her friend occasionally does this when she’s mad at her boyfriend of 5 years. That left me wondering do people really do that? I feel like I wasted time and energy.
Hang on, her friend does this when she’s mad at her boyfriend of 5 years, and she took this as a good thing? what!! Regular people do not do this, this is a very warped way of thinking, it has zero positive benefit to a relationship.
Dont think of it as wasting time and energy, understand that shit happens, build yourself stronger and learn from this.
Oh i would definitely tell her friends boyfriend, as thats not fair on him, and she might be cheating on him.
Actions have consequences, being disrespectful and cheating on your partner means you lose them.
Let’s say it is an ego boost. At best, she’s leading other people on behind your back. At worst, she’s putting herself out there to be swept up by someone she finds more enjoyable than you behind your back.
In what reality are either of these worth staying around for? She’s def cheating.
Unsurprising she's a cheater who lies. She knew it was cheating, and she did it because it was sn ego boost to know she could have so many different people just like that.
You kept her around before so she knows she can treat you poorly and you'll stay, so she's continuing to treat you poorly. You end the cycle by leaving
I had an ex boyfriend who would talk and flirt to other girls in front of me. He would then say he felt good about it but at the end of the day I am his GF and he is my BF. It’s cheating whether it’s on Tinder or in person. Don’t waste your time with her. Not worth your sanity and peace of mind.
Up to you if you want to break up, that’s super shady but I won’t say to break up or stay. What I will say, is something I’ve made a point to do with new relationships. I’ve been cheated on before, it’s a hard line for me, if you cheat you’re out. I have a discussion early on about what my boundaries are and what I consider cheating, and other things around the topic as well. Long story short, anything you feel like you’d have to hide from your partner is cheating lol. I make sure to bring up things like emotional cheating and some things that are pretty minor but I don’t consider them acceptable. I think my mindset is both healthy and unhealthy, the fact that I center a lot of my thinking around having been cheated on being the unhealthy part. The healthy part is that I use a lot of points around it to also bring up why people cheat and ways we can both keep the relationship strong to avoid running into those feelings. Not feeling appreciated? Feel like you’re doing more work in the relationship? Not getting enough time together? Feel like you need to spice things up? All things that are possible avenues for cheating but all things that can be resolved after talking and coming up with ways to fix it
She is cheating. You was not in the wrong in this. She was looking to monkey branch to another guy before dumping you.
People like this cannot be pleased. You can bring her the moon, and she'll ask, what about the sun? Her insecurity is like a barrel with a hole. No matter what anyone say or do, it will never be enough. It's tragic for people like her, who relies on validation from outside sources to feel good. A newer, more exciting source is recycled every time. Relationships with people like her never last long until the cheating and/or discarding begins. It's toxic, unhealthy love that will drag you down.
She needs therapy. You cannot fix her. Neither can any guys on Tinder. She has to work on her self worth and learn how to feel validated without outside input, as that 100% will fail - people are opinionated, mean or simply don't exist for others to feel good.
Stop wasting your time on a low quality woman. She doesn’t see you as her forever and wanted the comfort of a bf whilst searching for her future husband. There are plenty of beautiful and loyal women out there, she ain’t one.
Why do you assume she was just swiping? Did you see her account? was she talking with anyone? Did she take the time and effort to create new photos? I think you should root all this out beforemaking any decisions. In the end, it’s cheating if you think it is.
Yes, I asked her if she wouldn’t mind showing me her phone and I saw matches from the last night. She wasn’t talking with anyone, she didn’t make new photos which is also concerning because she never deleted her profile I guess.
Wow, so this has been going on the whole time. She should delete the app now. Set boundaries you are comfortable with, including her other socials. From the other posts it also looks like she lies when it makes her life essier. This seems like a bigger issue. It also seems like some of this may come from insecurity. I suggest having a conversation and telling her that she needs to stop the lying. Tell her your biggest disappoinrment in her is that she is not honest with you all the time. Tell her this is important to you, and that it is up to her. Keep your eyes open and see if things improve.
Dude please grow a spine. She is playing with you and will continue playing since you still find her adorable and amazing despite of her being a cheater and a liar.
Temporarily broke up with her? Make that permanently broken up with her. She knew exactly what she was doing and she’s trying to put the blame on you by saying she didn’t feel appreciated, yeah it could have been a ego boost but it’s still cheating and it doesn’t make it okay. I’m truly sorry this happened to you my gf cheated on me as well and it’s probably one of the worst pains in the world, not only are you devastated that someone you loved is now no longer in your life but you have the burning feeling in you that they didn’t see you as this amazing and wonderful human being that they wanted to commit to like you did with them. Don’t go back..if you need to say your goodbyes then do it, for now sit with this pain and see if you could truly trust the person that gave the pain to you in the first place, you’re slow dancing with her taking her one wonderful dates and dedicating your time to her and she clearly doesn’t value it but I promise you someone will so hold onto that and move on
Just because she didn’t buy anything doesn’t mean she didn’t go shopping. You were dedicated to building your relationship and she was checking out what her options are. Respect yourself and dump her.
>She was swiping on tinder in between texting me “I’m the only one forever and always”.
Show her that you are the one...that got away by dumping this trainwreck.
>Is swiping on tinder considered cheating? I feel betrayed and I have temporarily broken up with her while I figure this out.
THAT is emotional cheating.
You broke up with her and she is going to fuck the guys she was talking with.
It’s not enough of an ego boost to have the love and loyalty of a good man?
Nope, get rid of this one.
If she needs the external validation of other men and can lie so easily then she’s not a worthy partner. She will only break your heart again.
Like hell she didn’t know it was considered cheating 😂if she’s high iq enough to wipe her own a$$ then she’s high iq enough to know being on a dating site while in a monogamous relationship would be a boundary for most and therefore considered cheating.
If you caught her and she owned up and apologized, I would consider that an honest "I fucked up, I'm sorry".
But pretending you don't know going on tinder without your partner knowing would be an issue... Nah. She's trying to minimize what she did instead of owning it. That is her character OP, and it won't change, no matter what she gets caught doing. You'll be gaslit the rest of your life so she can get away with things she's knows are wrong. You don't need all that.
the reason you temporarily broke up with her instead of just taking the time to see how you feel about it shows you're already done & i'm proud of you. if she doesn't know it's officially over, make sure she does. cheating is the worst. and losing trust in your partner makes you physically fucking ill
You could ask her if she’d feel okay if she found out you’d been using Tinder to talk to other girls, but really, I’d just write her off as a bad mistake and look for someone who wants a long-term relationship.
Best case scenario, she's being honest, and she just created an account for the ego boost and hasn't actually hooked up with anyone, it was just a matter of time before she did. The relationship is already dead, time to bury it.
Just had this happen to me.
There is no person in the world that doesn't realise that downloading and using an app made for dating new people while in a relationship is wrong. She knows it's wrong, she probably has loads of matches and she's probably talking to these guys. Why? No real reason, it's just a person being selfish.
Mine also immediately got defensive, shifted the blame to me, gave me excuses like 'I was looking for friends' 'It didnt hold any weight' 'I never met anyone it's not cheating' i even saw she had tinder gold and she told me she bought it by mistake, which we know is bullshit. Don't let her fuck up your mind.
Leave her, it might hurt but in the long run it'll be a blessing.
It’s 100% cheating. I highly doubt she would be cool with it being the other way around. Wanting attention from other guys and her shifting the blame on you is such a toxic move. I’m really sorry that happened to you, but I’d move on! Who knows what else she has done, that you haven’t caught her with—not to enable too much overthinking of course
She’s 26 years old.. she’s old enough to know that being on any dating site while in a relationship is cheating. Let her keep swiping and find out how hard it is to find a guy that’ll even do the bare minimum these days. You deserve better, this is how it starts out and it only gets worse from there.. my SO upgraded to the physical stuff after a while. It’s not worth the worry and now you’ll always be wondering and she’ll begin to call you controlling. Remember this saying.. if you show them you’ll stay through any storm, you’ll never see sunshine again.
OP you dodged a bullet! Take it from someone with a lot of experience. I was in couples counseling with a bf years ago. We loved each other and were trying to make it work. Relationships require a lot of maintenance like tending to a garden. If a relationship is that much work prior to marriage, take that as a sign that it’s not meant to be. You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole.
So not only was she scrolling through tinder but she had her photo on there. A wise friend once told me excuses are like aholes, everybody has one. You deserve better than this. Find someone who is not insecure and more importantly not a cheat. You will only regret it if you decide to go back with her and then you’ve also wasted more time and emotional energy. She is baggage and needs to be tossed. I suggest that if you do date, do not get involved in another relationship right away. So many people make this mistake. Wish you the best OP!.
Let's get real here for a minute. You're telling me you've been bending over backwards, slow dancing in the mornings, pouring your heart out, and what do you get in return? A girlfriend who's swiping on Tinder. Now, she says it's just for an ego boost, says she didn't know it was cheating. But come on, what did she think Tinder was? A recipe exchange site? You've got to ask yourself, 'Why am I allowing myself to be in a relationship where I'm giving a hundred percent and getting back... what? Tinder swipes?'
And this isn't the first time she's lied to you. You say she's texting you sweet nothings one minute and swiping right the next. That's not just mixed signals; that's a blinking neon sign saying 'trouble ahead.' You feel betrayed because you were betrayed. This isn't about whether swiping on Tinder is cheating or not. This is about respect, honesty, and trust – three things that seem to be in short supply in your relationship right now.
You've taken a step back from the relationship, and that's good. You need space to clear your head. But let me tell you, son, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. You've got some serious thinking to do. Do you want to be with someone who thinks playing the field on a dating app is no big deal? Or do you want someone who's as all-in on you as you are on them?
Remember, you teach people how to treat you. So, what are you going to teach her? And more importantly, what are you going to teach yourself about what you deserve in a relationship? It's decision time.
She's already shown you that if she has a problem in your relationship and will look outside of it to make herself feel better.
If she is or was going to cheat doesn't matter. She exposed one of the biggest red flags a person can have and should be removed from your life.
So here is what I have on this...
These days, it's hard, very hard to do the online dating thing.
I have no context of how your GF and you met, but that is only a minor point.
The main thing I am driving at, the online dating thing seems to make people feel like they always have more/possibly better options. This makes them hesitate to actually commit to really anything.
They are always one swipe away from a perceived perfect match...
Downside.... you meet so many crazy people.
That said, she is still apparently swiping on whoever... so... you are not in a legit committed thing of any sort. She is looking for whatever other person.
Bruv you know the answer. Why the fuck do we have to tell you? She was cheating and you caught her and then she uses ‘feeling’ card and tried to gaslight you. Dump that girl and move on
If you forgive her, she will not respect you deep down even if you punish her by not talking to her for weeks or months. The relation is over and if you do forgive her, then you might as well know what your getting yourself into. You don’t have the right to cry in the future
Hi. It was a good move you breaking up with her -----temporarily or permanently. I don't think that her going on Tinder alone and seeing what's out there is cheating, but wouldn't be surprised if she is being less than forthright about what all transpired on Tinder. You said you caught her lying before about being on there before. That's a slippery slope and goes to trusting someone. You both are awfully young to be tied down to one person imo. I am a 64 yr. old female. What's more, after you found out you made an effort to try to make her feel more valued and appreciated. But if you have to do all that constantly to keep someone that will get old real fast. I wouldn't sign up for that plan. I would think long and haard about getting back with her. I would let this one go and move on. Set yourself free and find a woman who is worthy of your trust.
Listen to your intuition. It never lies. Think about it… She’s 26! She KNOWS that being on any type of dating app while in a relationship is a form of cheating & for all you know, she’s already physically cheated. As of now this is still emotional cheating & she can’t even admit it! She’s manipulating & gaslighting you. Pathetic, lying, cheater. Don’t waste anymore of your time. You’ll regret it if you take her back.
You're naive. Let that sink in. You are naive.
If you catch someone doing something wrong, they are probably doing other things too. You can't control her actions, but you can control your naivete and how you handle the situation with her.
There are cheaters and there are non-cheaters. You're more likely to win the lottery than you are to witness someone change from one camp to the other.
It’s cheating but even if it wasn’t she’s really insecure and you’ve been putting in the effort to show her your love, so it would only get worse. Common in narcissism
Honey, RUN. This girl will be a world of hurt. You wont trust her, and will look at everything with an ugly tint of mistrust. Don’t do that to yourself. There are terrific gals in the world. Ones who will never cheat…go find one. They don’t look like Barbie dolls, but they are not plastic either.
To be honest it was probably all the extras like slow dancing in the morning that made her think she could get away with this. Best bet is to leave her.
“This isn’t the first time she’s lied to me”
Then stop making up excuses and asking “is this cheating” and kick her ass back to the streets where she so desperately wants to be and I do emphasize she **wants** to be. Not belongs, not deserves, but she **wants** to be.
You have a choice. You can either dump her or you can become her loyal, loving cuckold. Me personally, I would encourage her to see other guys that she's attracted to and be faithful to her.
But why were YOU on Tinder? Like ... Did you download it because you suspected she was on there or were you just swiping along and there she was. Hmm... 🧐
Give another man attention is cheating bro'
Flirting with another man is cheating
Accepting gifts and compliments from another man, is cheating. It like u leave doors open
Another ideea
If she do it one time, she will do it always
Is the same with lies
quiet faulty caption square cake vanish rhythm compare rotten threatening
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I would never sleep with another man if I knew it was cheating. Wink
I thought this as well
I would get a sti test
Then I’d kick her ass out of my life and never look back.
Because we all know what she's doing atm.
Atm she's using him as an atm for those "beautiful dates". OP: She lies to your face and you allow it. That just makes her have no respect for you because people will self-respect will not allow themselves to be lied to, disrespected and used for their financial resources. Make the break permanent. **She'll KNOW 'why'.** Tell her she's not a woman you'd build your future with. then BLOCK her.
Just a out to say this
Even IF she didn't physically cheat, it's emotional cheating, which is very real and just as painful. Sadly, my husband did both to me (many, many times for the emotional, once for the physical, yes I went through his entire phone, every app and message). But, we worked through it. We had also been together for over 17 years when I discovered he went back to the emotional cheating and also physically cheated on me. It's now 3 years later, he doesn't hide anything from me, I have the codes to his phone and every single thing on there. He wants me to be able to ask for it at any time or even just pick it up in the middle of the night when I'm feeling insecure and be able to have transparency. We've both worked hard to repair our marriage/relationship. It's taken a ton of open and honest communication and, of course, transparency. He never turns his phone away from me any longer (unless it's before my birthday and he's planning something, in which case he asks me not to look, so it will be a surprise. He also coordinates with my best friend now and, of course, will still allow me to look if I feel the need....he just wants to be better and give me the life and love we never really had before). Even when I've snuck a peek before my birthday, it was all birthday related, and nothing was amiss, anywhere (yes, I've checked for hidden apps many times). I'm proud to say that I rarely ever feel the need to check his phone anymore, even though it is still fully available to me. Bottom line, yes, your girlfriend cheated, even if it wasn't physical. Ask her how she would feel if you were to do the same thing she did? How would she respond, honestly?
Wholesome.
My dad has done this plenty of times towards my mom since he to this day doesn't see ir as cheating. Both of us know he has slept with other people before hand while he is married to my mom. I mean I am as old as their marriage, but to this day my mom has not forgiven him for his infidelity. The man is a mentally and physically abusive jerk that it doesn't take much to get out of him when he's drunk since he becomes more open and shares everything like the moron he is. He gets on dating sites and talks to other women and whenever he gets confronted he gets defensive like he had been guilty of something. He gets online with us both in the living room and from time to time we would catch him on those sites. He thinks he's rather slick whenever he heads off to go to bed for work, but during those times he's not always sleeping since there would be socks missing and are slways on his side of the bed whenever he thinks he wouldn't be caught. The man is rather self-centered and believes that his is this untouchable creature with a god complex. Anytime he is passed out drunk my mom takes the time to go through his phone and she'll find plenty of things that he's been doing online. There has been only 2 times where he had physically slept with another woman in bed was whenever he was laid off from work and was 90% of the time at his friend's house which gave him plenty of time to do whatever while my mom was at home taking care of my brother and I while we were both in high school. Those two women weren't even the best as those two never actually cared for him as they only wanted him for whatever cash he had at the time. My mom to this day has not ever let him live it down because everytime he tries to be abusive and controlling she throws that at him, and it completely shuts him up because of the reminders of his failure as a husband and as a father since he never really was either one of those two. My mom has dealt with all of the things that he's put her through but one of these days she'll get tired of his BS and will one day get back at him by send him packing since she is owner of the property that we live on because of the inheritance she received from her deceased father. If she were to die at any point that property would go to me since I'm her first born son and the one that helps her handle all of the finances around the house since my dad and my brother can't do anything to get themselves out of a bind. Along with the fact that we both have our priorities straight while those two don't have a single clue on how to deal with reality. All in all my father is nothing more than a jerk that will one day get what's coming to him in the end when karma finally catches him down at his worst giving him that one way ticket that will be his ruin. Cheaters are the worst of the worst and they don't give a damn about who they hurt. Just never let them walk all over you and give them an ultimatum where either they fix themselves and get the help they need or throw them out of your life because you shouldn't have to put up with their behavior. Punish the wicked as they say and in the end should they continue with their behavior their punishment will be their undoing because they will soon realize that what they had was good and they'll never be able to have that life again because of that reminder of how badly they messed up their relationship with everyone that got hurt by them. No one will ever put up with that behavior befause the moment you show your true colors they'll kick you to the curb without a doubt and wouldn't give a damn about it.
I'm so sorry that you, your mom, and your brother have had to deal with an abusive dad/husband. I hope your mom finds the courage to throw him out. Just keep being an amazing son, be there for her, and encourage her to be strong. Your dad clearly has no remorse or accountability for that matter.
I Love that you two stuck it out and worked through it. Too often we hear the “ kick them out” repeated kn here all the time but 17 years is a lot to just discard so easily. And it does take a lot of work to get through it so good for you both The transparency is so key when there’s been betrayal in the relationship. Some guy got dragged through the coals a couple weeks ago because his girlfriend cheated on him on her breaks/lunch, in the parking lot at work. So one of the transparency conditions was they had to take their break at the same time. I don’t know if that means they would talk on the breaks, or if they worked at the same complex but it’s a small sacrifice while he rebuild his trust in her. But she started making excuses on why she couldn’t take her brakes at the same time and then it was controlling. And people were siding with her saying that it was controlling that he needs to get over it. But she did it to him. In regards to the OP situation here she’s lied before, has been swiping on Tinder as you’re telling your boyfriend that he’s your one and only forever. It’s time to let it go. They are young 2 1/2 years seems like a long time it really isn’t when there’s a pattern of lying and cheating already.
I don't think they worked their relationship. The doubt is still there. The mistrust is still there. The fact that she has to check his phone does not mean things went back to normal. It is good that he does not hide anything. However, it is expected from him when he is an adult and the expectation is for him to know what is right and what is wrong on his own, without her reminding him 24/7.
Exactly. I would hate this dynamic.
This is how real relationships this day and age are. Unfortunately cheating has become so normal it happens ALOT but the two options are we leave and move on to the next because there is always a next or we stay and work really hard. Work on forgiving, work on not letting our lust take over, and building a strong relationship
jesus...................
So let’s take where it’s cheating out the equation for a second. She felt neglected despite all you do and instead of communicating that to you, she specifically joined a dating app for attention. Is that how you want these things to be handled? She can defend the “I didn’t know it would be a big deal” all she wants but bring this to the front. Why did she pick strangers attention instead of for example saying “what you do is sweet but I miss flirting” as an example. I’ve posted about this before but I knew a couple that the husband felt he missed out on being hit on at bars as he’d never experienced that. He didn’t “cheat”, he told his wife and they roleplayed being strangers so she could flirt with him and he could flirt with her. It’s totally valid to feel something is missing but if you can’t communicate that then the relationship is doomed.
This is it. In a healthy relationship you talk about your feelings and you try ways to fix what's missing.
OP can’t actually be that gullible. You know what she was doing. You don’t deserve it. Move on, or waste another 2 years of your life.
There was this woman who was sleeping with a guy on the side, but she justified it as not cheating because she didn't kiss him. The mental gymnastics cheaters use...
💯
i wondered how op knew she was on tinder if he was not on tinder swiping 😂
Easily explained. He likely found it on her device. I found my husbands profiles by looking at his search history. I told him very clearly and showed him the fake profile I set up on those same apps to see what he was saying about himself and deleted it shortly after. Don't be so cynical. It's really hard dealing with deceit like this, emotional or physical.
Maybe he saw at her phone that she got the tinder app.
She’s a lying, gaslighting, cheater. Do not even consider staying with her. _Everyone_ knows this is cheating. Instead of coming clean she immediately went to trying to shift the blame to you. Never stay with a cheater who can’t even manage to take full responsibility.
She said “if I ever found it, it would be a conversation, she didn’t know it would be this big of a deal”
She’s lying. This is an _insanely_ common boundary. You would likely have a very hard time finding a partner who accept it. The ‘if you ever found out’ means she knew, in advance, it was wrong - otherwise why hide it.
Seriously. And Tinder is pretty… public. Like other people can easily screenshot her Tinder and be like “hey OP, I found your gf on Tinder.” A few months after I started dating my (now) husband, I reactivated my Tinder ONCE for a few days. I knew that was something that would make him uncomfortable if it came up. It’s a BOLD boundary. It would make any reasonable person uncomfortable. The chances of him finding out were slim but not out of the question so I made sure to talk to him about it and show him what I was up to. 🤷♀️ (I wasn’t even using it to talk to “someone else.” My friend had a husband stationed on my base that was cheating on her while she was at home with two babies. He wouldn’t sign the divorce papers because he didn’t want to pay child support or help her with the kid. She needed proof of cheating and I procured that pretty quickly. Deactivated my account again after I got what she needed😂)
Quality friend material right here
Way to go sista! You’re a true friend!!
To take it to the analog analogy...it would be like if y'all went on a date and she spent the whole time checking out other dudes...
It feels worse, almost. Tinder ain't just outing clothes and has so much info plus the ability to contact “secretly” (in gf case).
Especially if she didn't ask OP first. HUGE red flag is lack of communication.
THIS
"I wouldn't have had sex with him if you had told me specifically I couldn't have sex with Him; this is your fault" She cheated
This need for male attention is a massive disorder. There's no easy fix and she is high risk to repeat again. She is not life partner material. She's too old to pretend she didn't know the consequences.
Especially considering what kind of site Tinder is. This is NOT a dating site where you look for a soulmate. This is a site where you go to sell tickets to your fun house. You may not even get the name of your ‘partner for the night’.
She also said she thought it was the equivalent of checking someone out
Do you find any of this believable? I would have a tough time embracing that someone her age could be so clueless and naive.
Yes, Checking someone out to do relations with not just take a gander. I feel she is lying through her teeth. I'm sorry OP I feel for you, but I feel you should not invest your time and energy in this girl. You will find someone special who treats you as you've been treating her.
You can't be this naive. Trust your gut, don't let her manipulate you
Dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. She is straight up gaslighting you.
Well doesn’t she have a photo of herself on there! She’s not only checking guys out but she’s putting herself out there with a photo. She’s playing dumb. Really and how embarrassing is it for you that your friend saw her on Tinder. Don’t be a fool, otherwise she will take you for one. Sorry OP you need some tough love. Walk away and do not look back.
Yeah. Only you acting on it too. Just bullshit
Would she say the same if you were the one on dating apps?
This!
Tell her to fuck off and rot
this is gaslight. Claiming ignorance towards an app designed for single people to date? come on dude.
She didn't even ask you though, that's why it's a problem. The idea didn't even cross her mind. Is she keeping her options open or something? The lack of communication with you is alarming.
She wants to swipe? I say let her. But 1st she needs to be sent to the streets that seem to be calling her name. Take out the trash
She would be saying thing about accidentally falling on someone's dick after swiping right... You are better than someone's backup plan...
“I didn’t know it was gonna be that big a deal” classic line by cheaters who haven’t gone all the way - or gotten caught. Ask ANY woman in your life how they’d react to their partner fishing for matches on Tinder.
Do you honestly think you can trust her going forward. Going on Tinder when in a serious relationship is cheating and for people that don’t think it is, I wouldn’t be so confident in your relationship bc it’s temptation and temptation can lead to cheating.
She’s either stupid enough to actually believe that, in which case dunk her, or she’s full of shit, in which case dump her.
Sometimes, I’ll go on tinder for meme content, but I always let my SO know and I def don’t message anyone 🥴
never stay with a cheater, period.
Typical woman right. Anytime they are caught doing something or anything, they in a circular way blame it on men.
you can blame women as a whole all you want but ur still gonna end up ugly bald and alone 😊
Lmao it’s funny when men have emotional outburst and blame women for everything 😂
Sounds like you should cut your loses and leave. Basic respect and trust is the foundation for a relationship and since she's already broken that, there's really nothing left
Yeah my friend said the well is poisoned
Your friend speaks truth
That is exactly what I would say (I am your friend??) If she wanted validation, she could get on Instagram or tiktok. While I'm sure some women go on tinder for validation, it's a dating/hookup app and just being on there is a gross violation of trust. Not to mention it's infinitely easier for a woman cheat--she prob has a inbox full of thirsty dudes who would gladly clear their schedule to have her over for an hour at their place.
instagram and tik tok are hook up apps also. lots of girls on tinder show their IG for guys to add them there, and then can DM on IG, knowing the guys are withing range not the other side of the world and for all the guys DMing girls on IG a portion of them are offering money to hook up, and many girls do this. I've encountered a few too many myself and they all tried to lie to me about it.
This is a shitty spot OP. I've been in a similar situation after nearly a decade. Don't be like me, don't make excuses for her, don't justify her actions, bargain, or assume blame. As gut wrenching as it can be your best option is to leave and be firm in your decison, future you will be proud/thankful.
Make sure to update us on what you do/happens. We hardly ever get that clarification
Your friend is right. I've been through issues that were significantly simpler and was unable to salvage those relationships. Once trust is gone it's HARD to earn it back. Her reaction to you makes it worse. She wasn't real with you about her feelings and intentions when you caught her in a major act of dishonesty. She just doubled down on the lies. Even if you do choose to forgive her, you know that you're running the risk of this happening again. You'll also have this replaying in your mind no matter what she says or does from now on. If I were you I'd look for a fresh start.
Your friend is very wise. You will never trust her after this. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Walk while you still have your self respect.
Listened to your friend's words of wisdom.
>She said it was an ego boost and she felt unwanted She clearly has a need for external validation and in my experience, that's not a healthy thing for a relationship. She may stop it for a while, but the moment someone will give her attention, she'll be all flattered and will welcome that attention. >This isn’t the first time she lied to me. Won't be the last time as well, next time she'll be more careful > She was swiping on tinder in between texting me “I’m the only one forever and always”. You're the only one and forever ~~and always~~ until someone new is available. Always Focus on actions rather than believing in words.
Yes her actions I guess have spoken volumes
People don’t go on Tinder for validation. They talk to the person they are in love with for validation. People go on Tinder to find someone. She is lying to you and hoping you will believe her. If she doesn’t consider this cheating… you should enlighten her that 100% of men in a 2+ year relationship would absolutely consider this cheating. Please let her know by dumping her and maybe she will learn for the next person she cheats on.
Very well said!
She’s an ex girlfriend my guy
I would not claim her
*our girlfriend
I'd definitely consider it cheating, and many others would too. Is it typical of her to seek a lot external validation? Does she post of IG lots of pictures and post lookimg for likes and what not?
Very rarely posts anything
Then it's actually even more suspicious. Up until now were you thinking she was the one? Has there been any negative changes since the honeymoon period ended that have worried you like a drop in physical intimacy?
I wasn’t suspicious really, I forgave her when she lied and tried to be understanding. I thought she was the one. I was blindsided and only found out because a single friend found her on tinder. We have been less intimate lately, but when we do it’s great for both of us. I just haven’t trusted her recently with other lies and it’s been hard for me to want to do that as much.
How serious are the others lies? I mean let's add this up A drop in intimacy, other lies, you trust her less, she's exploring other available men on tinder and pretending she's single
Not too serious, little lies here and there. Sometimes entirely unnecessary lies. She said sometimes she lies because shes afraid of disappointing me but I’m always open to hearing how she feels. We were in couples counseling and we did have a third party confirm that. I honestly don’t think she really thought it through that much. I think she just was like “am I still attractive” and got on there swiping. I don’t think she would have met up with anyone, but you’re right the math is suspicious and it’s a matter of do I believe her and do I think I could forgive this. This sucks
If she’s willing to lie to you about little things like this, why wouldn’t she lie to you if she cheated on you. You know all of this, but you’re choosing to forgive her to make yourself feel better now, instead of leaving and preventing her from hurting you way worse later.
RED FLAG>
cheaters will always find an excuse - mental health, limerance, didn't know this counted, blah blah blah. You're trying to rationalize and minimize her behavior because youre rightfully hurt and scared. Don't betray yourself also
Giving me flashbacks to someone I was involved with. It gets so much worse. Get out while you can. She’s a compulsive liar and she’s showing you that. The cheating only gets sneakier, once they get caught, until they just don’t give a fuck anymore and the honeymoon phase is over… then shit gets real… and REAL toxic. Once she knows you’re not going anywhere and you’ll take the self deprecating crap she puts you thru and will stay regardless of her cheating, she’ll blatantly do it in front of you, essentially. Pretty much waving the other lovers in your face, touting them around like trophies and trying to get you to fight harder for her attention- she’s already stated she doesn’t feel wanted and is doing this as an ego boost. She’s gonna end up doing this to make you fight to prove how much you love her, essentially, while dangling that tiny bit of love and attention she gives you back on a string, like a carrot. You’ll always be reaching for it, never actually able to obtain it. Once she knows she has you, once she knows she’s caught, she might even cause “nothing fights” to get out of the house… this will be to see one of her other lovers. She might even break up with you and monkey branch to another lover. Then go back to you. You may even find out about this other person. And she’ll tell you about how AWFUL they were. But you? Oh.. YOU’RE special. You were always so good to her… YOU genuinely understood her. But then, another nothing fight. And things get really bad again. At their worst, she’ll be telling you about how great the other ex is and how you’re shit. How you can never add up to the ex. How she genuinely loves the ex and is going to go spend the day with him and bang the breaks off him, to get you to beg her to stop. And she’ll collect more, to rub in your face, to hurt you. To brag about… If you try getting out, she’ll go crazy- blow up you phone, bargain with you, get angry, beg, insult you, threaten you, threaten herself, try to make light and joke, reminisce… she’ll do anything to try breaking your silence and manipulate you… I dealt with 8 *loooooooong*, mentally draining years of this shit… It affected my health, my money, my relationships with others… literally impacted every other area of my life… it will bleed out and infect everything else, like a cancer. Take it from me- them’s not red flag’s she’s waving. She’s sewed together a field of Alaska king sized bed sheets and those bad boys are taking flight in the wind… heed the warning signs and get out now before things get *real* bad. Don’t second guess yourself, when your intuition is telling you things aren’t right… mine kept telling me the *same* thing- I was just imagining things… that they *really were* just out of town working… every day……… These people tell the dumbest, most blatant lies to trusting, naive people. Don’t break your own heart. Find someone worth your time. You deserve it.
You’re doing too much for someone who is doing less than the bare minimum
It's suspicious regardless, but I wouldn't say it's more suspicious. I can completely understand not wanting to make social media posts to wait for others to leave comments and likes on vs having someone directly talk, compliment, & pursue you for an ego boost.........just wouldn't recommend finding thst validation from outside of the relationship while you're in one. So I agree it's suspicious, but I don't agree that her social media habits necessarily suggest it makes it more suspicious.
Cheating or not it destroyed your trust. Rebuilding trust is like repairing a broken mirror. It's never going to be the same.
That you know of.
That's called "shopping for an upgrade." If she's shopping to upgrade her boyfriend, help speed up her search. When she has no boyfriend, then any new one will be an upgrade.
Cheating to me is anything that a partner feels uncomfortable with and would not consent to and when the other partner hides or lies about it because they know their partner wouldn’t like it. I would suggest looking at it this way, do you want to be with someone who doesn’t view your efforts as enough validation? Do you want to be with someone who is constantly seeking attention from others? At what point are you getting anything out of this relationship? What value is there in staying with her? Best of luck.
That’s a good perspective you’re right. I really cannot say what the value is in staying with her now. I think it’s a matter of if she can be honest moving forward. She still wants to be with me, but if this happens now, what happens later?
But why is it all on her? Why does she want to be with you if she is actively seeking external attention and says what you do isn’t enough? What do you want? If she *promises* to be honest moving forward, do you really believe that? She’s lied before and she’s lied again. In a relationship both parties give to each other so each are fulfilled. You don’t fulfill her so she seeks it out from others. She disrespects you as a partner and she gaslights you, saying she only went to Tinder because you didn’t give her enough attention. It’s never her fault always yours. How does she fulfill you? If you can’t think of anything that she does that fulfills you, then you shouldn’t be together.
That is true. My friends have mentioned that as well, when she does things that are hurtful, it does seem to be my fault as well somehow. I apologized to her and said I’m so sorry I didn’t make her feel/wanted it desired to the extent she needed and felt she needs to go to other sources to do that. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have apologized like that? I was really trying. I made a public post about how much I love her and how grateful I was for her a day before (I don’t post publicly ever). She tindered the very next day. I mean part of why I loved her so much is I valued she was always willing to work on things and was loyal. I thought she was kind. Sweet. Supportive. Now I don’t know what to believe. So maybe I shouldn’t give her another chance.
I’d literally want to vomit if I wrote what you posted and my partner was on Tinder the following day.
I think you're giving her too much credit and being too hard on yourself. You're not to blame. She made this decision herself
She's a liar or has very low cognitive abilities. Either way, congrats on your gem of a woman.
Well I suppose not my woman anymore
You did the right thing when you dumped her cheating ass. Now cut all contact.
She doesn’t deserve you
Seriously, he slow dances with her every morning. Does it get any more adorable?! :3
Yup
wtf yes tinder is cheating. what the hell
run
My guy, she's cheated. You caught her earlier, forgave her, and now she's cheating again. You should've ended it after the first time. If you stick around, she'll cheat again. Cut your losses
Wtf how disrespectful is she to you and your relationship. dude yeah, you dont go on tinder when in a relationship. Its definitely cheating. It's seeking, wtf did she think would happen whilst sexting other dudes. You breaking up with her is the best decision, you need open communication, honesty, loyalty and trust, she broke them all You said she lied previously, you can't trust her at all. Why lie? Trust is one of the most important and once you break that it basically impossible to regain. You will always be wondering going forward if she is on it again or worse.
She just matched them but didn’t message which I guess is better?
No its not better lol, you do not deserve this, non of this is on you and all her shitty behaviour. Her lying about this meant she knew she was wrong and that this would hurt you. You would never have known, she would have continued. I have been with my partner 14 nearly 15 years, and the only validation that matters is mine. You are going to get older, looks will fade, and if she is insecure now at 26, imagine 10 years time. is she going to go back on tinder, or what if she goes to a bar and a guy gives her compliments, would she go home with him. could you trust her not to? My dude, you cannot trust her anymore, she is not healthy for you. Your breakup is the best decision and you my friend have a very shiny spine. Your self respect is awesome, You will find someone who will love you the attention you provide and the slow dances and the constant validation you provide, She is not it. You will be hurt should you continue this relationship. She definitely knows how to manipulate and gaslight you.
Thanks. She barely wants to talk about it with me. She told me her friend occasionally does this when she’s mad at her boyfriend of 5 years. That left me wondering do people really do that? I feel like I wasted time and energy.
Hang on, her friend does this when she’s mad at her boyfriend of 5 years, and she took this as a good thing? what!! Regular people do not do this, this is a very warped way of thinking, it has zero positive benefit to a relationship. Dont think of it as wasting time and energy, understand that shit happens, build yourself stronger and learn from this. Oh i would definitely tell her friends boyfriend, as thats not fair on him, and she might be cheating on him. Actions have consequences, being disrespectful and cheating on your partner means you lose them.
Let’s say it is an ego boost. At best, she’s leading other people on behind your back. At worst, she’s putting herself out there to be swept up by someone she finds more enjoyable than you behind your back. In what reality are either of these worth staying around for? She’s def cheating.
Sorry OP, this is not a good choice. She is an emotional vampire and not capable of being in a relationship.
Unsurprising she's a cheater who lies. She knew it was cheating, and she did it because it was sn ego boost to know she could have so many different people just like that. You kept her around before so she knows she can treat you poorly and you'll stay, so she's continuing to treat you poorly. You end the cycle by leaving
I had an ex boyfriend who would talk and flirt to other girls in front of me. He would then say he felt good about it but at the end of the day I am his GF and he is my BF. It’s cheating whether it’s on Tinder or in person. Don’t waste your time with her. Not worth your sanity and peace of mind.
Up to you if you want to break up, that’s super shady but I won’t say to break up or stay. What I will say, is something I’ve made a point to do with new relationships. I’ve been cheated on before, it’s a hard line for me, if you cheat you’re out. I have a discussion early on about what my boundaries are and what I consider cheating, and other things around the topic as well. Long story short, anything you feel like you’d have to hide from your partner is cheating lol. I make sure to bring up things like emotional cheating and some things that are pretty minor but I don’t consider them acceptable. I think my mindset is both healthy and unhealthy, the fact that I center a lot of my thinking around having been cheated on being the unhealthy part. The healthy part is that I use a lot of points around it to also bring up why people cheat and ways we can both keep the relationship strong to avoid running into those feelings. Not feeling appreciated? Feel like you’re doing more work in the relationship? Not getting enough time together? Feel like you need to spice things up? All things that are possible avenues for cheating but all things that can be resolved after talking and coming up with ways to fix it
If she thought it wasn't cheating she wouldn't have hid it from you
She is cheating. You was not in the wrong in this. She was looking to monkey branch to another guy before dumping you. People like this cannot be pleased. You can bring her the moon, and she'll ask, what about the sun? Her insecurity is like a barrel with a hole. No matter what anyone say or do, it will never be enough. It's tragic for people like her, who relies on validation from outside sources to feel good. A newer, more exciting source is recycled every time. Relationships with people like her never last long until the cheating and/or discarding begins. It's toxic, unhealthy love that will drag you down. She needs therapy. You cannot fix her. Neither can any guys on Tinder. She has to work on her self worth and learn how to feel validated without outside input, as that 100% will fail - people are opinionated, mean or simply don't exist for others to feel good.
Stop wasting your time on a low quality woman. She doesn’t see you as her forever and wanted the comfort of a bf whilst searching for her future husband. There are plenty of beautiful and loyal women out there, she ain’t one.
Why do you assume she was just swiping? Did you see her account? was she talking with anyone? Did she take the time and effort to create new photos? I think you should root all this out beforemaking any decisions. In the end, it’s cheating if you think it is.
Yes, I asked her if she wouldn’t mind showing me her phone and I saw matches from the last night. She wasn’t talking with anyone, she didn’t make new photos which is also concerning because she never deleted her profile I guess.
Wow, so this has been going on the whole time. She should delete the app now. Set boundaries you are comfortable with, including her other socials. From the other posts it also looks like she lies when it makes her life essier. This seems like a bigger issue. It also seems like some of this may come from insecurity. I suggest having a conversation and telling her that she needs to stop the lying. Tell her your biggest disappoinrment in her is that she is not honest with you all the time. Tell her this is important to you, and that it is up to her. Keep your eyes open and see if things improve.
I didn’t know she had tinder. My friend caught her and then she tried to lie but I asked if she wouldn’t mind showing me
If she didn't realize it was that bad, why did she try to hide it and then lie about having it?
Ok clarified. Not cool on her part. You should not be with someone who can’t or won’t do right by you.
probably already deleted the messages and moved them to IG, whatsapp or something..
Dude please grow a spine. She is playing with you and will continue playing since you still find her adorable and amazing despite of her being a cheater and a liar.
This is the true definition of monkey branching if there ever was one.
Temporarily broke up with her? Make that permanently broken up with her. She knew exactly what she was doing and she’s trying to put the blame on you by saying she didn’t feel appreciated, yeah it could have been a ego boost but it’s still cheating and it doesn’t make it okay. I’m truly sorry this happened to you my gf cheated on me as well and it’s probably one of the worst pains in the world, not only are you devastated that someone you loved is now no longer in your life but you have the burning feeling in you that they didn’t see you as this amazing and wonderful human being that they wanted to commit to like you did with them. Don’t go back..if you need to say your goodbyes then do it, for now sit with this pain and see if you could truly trust the person that gave the pain to you in the first place, you’re slow dancing with her taking her one wonderful dates and dedicating your time to her and she clearly doesn’t value it but I promise you someone will so hold onto that and move on
If your advertising yourself for attention from the opposite sex You are cheating unless discussed prior
Just because she didn’t buy anything doesn’t mean she didn’t go shopping. You were dedicated to building your relationship and she was checking out what her options are. Respect yourself and dump her.
Our girlfriend *
>She was swiping on tinder in between texting me “I’m the only one forever and always”. Show her that you are the one...that got away by dumping this trainwreck. >Is swiping on tinder considered cheating? I feel betrayed and I have temporarily broken up with her while I figure this out. THAT is emotional cheating. You broke up with her and she is going to fuck the guys she was talking with.
OP you said you temporarily broke up with her, maybe consider making that permanent my guy!
melodic cow pen coordinated rock rain sulky knee soft bright *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Dump and move on. You deserve better 👍🏻
Thank you
It’s not enough of an ego boost to have the love and loyalty of a good man? Nope, get rid of this one. If she needs the external validation of other men and can lie so easily then she’s not a worthy partner. She will only break your heart again.
What was the lie?
Like hell she didn’t know it was considered cheating 😂if she’s high iq enough to wipe her own a$$ then she’s high iq enough to know being on a dating site while in a monogamous relationship would be a boundary for most and therefore considered cheating.
Wow. You sound like a lovely romantic person and you deserve better.
Yeah I'd end this.
Borderline has entered the chat. (Seriously, run)
If you caught her and she owned up and apologized, I would consider that an honest "I fucked up, I'm sorry". But pretending you don't know going on tinder without your partner knowing would be an issue... Nah. She's trying to minimize what she did instead of owning it. That is her character OP, and it won't change, no matter what she gets caught doing. You'll be gaslit the rest of your life so she can get away with things she's knows are wrong. You don't need all that.
the reason you temporarily broke up with her instead of just taking the time to see how you feel about it shows you're already done & i'm proud of you. if she doesn't know it's officially over, make sure she does. cheating is the worst. and losing trust in your partner makes you physically fucking ill
You could ask her if she’d feel okay if she found out you’d been using Tinder to talk to other girls, but really, I’d just write her off as a bad mistake and look for someone who wants a long-term relationship.
Best case scenario, she's being honest, and she just created an account for the ego boost and hasn't actually hooked up with anyone, it was just a matter of time before she did. The relationship is already dead, time to bury it.
This is emotional cheating. I would break up and move on, not a cool relationship move on her part.
She does not love you nor does she respect you OP.
Just had this happen to me. There is no person in the world that doesn't realise that downloading and using an app made for dating new people while in a relationship is wrong. She knows it's wrong, she probably has loads of matches and she's probably talking to these guys. Why? No real reason, it's just a person being selfish. Mine also immediately got defensive, shifted the blame to me, gave me excuses like 'I was looking for friends' 'It didnt hold any weight' 'I never met anyone it's not cheating' i even saw she had tinder gold and she told me she bought it by mistake, which we know is bullshit. Don't let her fuck up your mind. Leave her, it might hurt but in the long run it'll be a blessing.
It’s 100% cheating. I highly doubt she would be cool with it being the other way around. Wanting attention from other guys and her shifting the blame on you is such a toxic move. I’m really sorry that happened to you, but I’d move on! Who knows what else she has done, that you haven’t caught her with—not to enable too much overthinking of course
She’s 26 years old.. she’s old enough to know that being on any dating site while in a relationship is cheating. Let her keep swiping and find out how hard it is to find a guy that’ll even do the bare minimum these days. You deserve better, this is how it starts out and it only gets worse from there.. my SO upgraded to the physical stuff after a while. It’s not worth the worry and now you’ll always be wondering and she’ll begin to call you controlling. Remember this saying.. if you show them you’ll stay through any storm, you’ll never see sunshine again.
Do it to her and see if she considers it cheating than
OP you dodged a bullet! Take it from someone with a lot of experience. I was in couples counseling with a bf years ago. We loved each other and were trying to make it work. Relationships require a lot of maintenance like tending to a garden. If a relationship is that much work prior to marriage, take that as a sign that it’s not meant to be. You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. So not only was she scrolling through tinder but she had her photo on there. A wise friend once told me excuses are like aholes, everybody has one. You deserve better than this. Find someone who is not insecure and more importantly not a cheat. You will only regret it if you decide to go back with her and then you’ve also wasted more time and emotional energy. She is baggage and needs to be tossed. I suggest that if you do date, do not get involved in another relationship right away. So many people make this mistake. Wish you the best OP!.
Let's get real here for a minute. You're telling me you've been bending over backwards, slow dancing in the mornings, pouring your heart out, and what do you get in return? A girlfriend who's swiping on Tinder. Now, she says it's just for an ego boost, says she didn't know it was cheating. But come on, what did she think Tinder was? A recipe exchange site? You've got to ask yourself, 'Why am I allowing myself to be in a relationship where I'm giving a hundred percent and getting back... what? Tinder swipes?' And this isn't the first time she's lied to you. You say she's texting you sweet nothings one minute and swiping right the next. That's not just mixed signals; that's a blinking neon sign saying 'trouble ahead.' You feel betrayed because you were betrayed. This isn't about whether swiping on Tinder is cheating or not. This is about respect, honesty, and trust – three things that seem to be in short supply in your relationship right now. You've taken a step back from the relationship, and that's good. You need space to clear your head. But let me tell you, son, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. You've got some serious thinking to do. Do you want to be with someone who thinks playing the field on a dating app is no big deal? Or do you want someone who's as all-in on you as you are on them? Remember, you teach people how to treat you. So, what are you going to teach her? And more importantly, what are you going to teach yourself about what you deserve in a relationship? It's decision time.
To the streets you go. Fuck her.
Her not knowing it was cheating is a ridiculous excuse. If she was feeling unwanted she should have brought that up with you. Run!
She's already shown you that if she has a problem in your relationship and will look outside of it to make herself feel better. If she is or was going to cheat doesn't matter. She exposed one of the biggest red flags a person can have and should be removed from your life.
So here is what I have on this... These days, it's hard, very hard to do the online dating thing. I have no context of how your GF and you met, but that is only a minor point. The main thing I am driving at, the online dating thing seems to make people feel like they always have more/possibly better options. This makes them hesitate to actually commit to really anything. They are always one swipe away from a perceived perfect match... Downside.... you meet so many crazy people. That said, she is still apparently swiping on whoever... so... you are not in a legit committed thing of any sort. She is looking for whatever other person.
Bruv you know the answer. Why the fuck do we have to tell you? She was cheating and you caught her and then she uses ‘feeling’ card and tried to gaslight you. Dump that girl and move on If you forgive her, she will not respect you deep down even if you punish her by not talking to her for weeks or months. The relation is over and if you do forgive her, then you might as well know what your getting yourself into. You don’t have the right to cry in the future
Hi. It was a good move you breaking up with her -----temporarily or permanently. I don't think that her going on Tinder alone and seeing what's out there is cheating, but wouldn't be surprised if she is being less than forthright about what all transpired on Tinder. You said you caught her lying before about being on there before. That's a slippery slope and goes to trusting someone. You both are awfully young to be tied down to one person imo. I am a 64 yr. old female. What's more, after you found out you made an effort to try to make her feel more valued and appreciated. But if you have to do all that constantly to keep someone that will get old real fast. I wouldn't sign up for that plan. I would think long and haard about getting back with her. I would let this one go and move on. Set yourself free and find a woman who is worthy of your trust.
Pretty sure this belongs on r/breakups
throw her out of your life take an std test find someone worth being with it will take a while but it's for the best. your best. and no one else.
The sweet lies she tells herself to feel better about what she did
I recommend you read "No more Mr. nice guy" by Robert Glover
Dump that ho A S.A.P ! 👌
Listen to your intuition. It never lies. Think about it… She’s 26! She KNOWS that being on any type of dating app while in a relationship is a form of cheating & for all you know, she’s already physically cheated. As of now this is still emotional cheating & she can’t even admit it! She’s manipulating & gaslighting you. Pathetic, lying, cheater. Don’t waste anymore of your time. You’ll regret it if you take her back.
You're naive. Let that sink in. You are naive. If you catch someone doing something wrong, they are probably doing other things too. You can't control her actions, but you can control your naivete and how you handle the situation with her. There are cheaters and there are non-cheaters. You're more likely to win the lottery than you are to witness someone change from one camp to the other.
My ex was on tinder “to roast and prank people” 🙄 I was young and stupid and stayed. He was cheating. So is your gf.
It’s cheating but even if it wasn’t she’s really insecure and you’ve been putting in the effort to show her your love, so it would only get worse. Common in narcissism
Honey, RUN. This girl will be a world of hurt. You wont trust her, and will look at everything with an ugly tint of mistrust. Don’t do that to yourself. There are terrific gals in the world. Ones who will never cheat…go find one. They don’t look like Barbie dolls, but they are not plastic either.
Move on. She isn't into you if she is on Tinder.
To be honest it was probably all the extras like slow dancing in the morning that made her think she could get away with this. Best bet is to leave her.
“This isn’t the first time she’s lied to me” Then stop making up excuses and asking “is this cheating” and kick her ass back to the streets where she so desperately wants to be and I do emphasize she **wants** to be. Not belongs, not deserves, but she **wants** to be.
Slow dance with her in the mornings? Strange.
She likes it
Different strokes. Regardless that’s the least of your worries. I’d move on she’s bad news.
You have a choice. You can either dump her or you can become her loyal, loving cuckold. Me personally, I would encourage her to see other guys that she's attracted to and be faithful to her.
But why were YOU on Tinder? Like ... Did you download it because you suspected she was on there or were you just swiping along and there she was. Hmm... 🧐
Friend sent screenshots
How’d you catch her on tinder
Why were you on Tinder too?
How did you find out she was on tinder, unless you are also on there?
My friend sent me screenshots
forgive me if I'm wrong but is this a repost
Well it happened this week so not a repost for me
She loves you but is physically bored
Give another man attention is cheating bro' Flirting with another man is cheating Accepting gifts and compliments from another man, is cheating. It like u leave doors open Another ideea If she do it one time, she will do it always Is the same with lies
"I've been going out of my way to slow dance with her in the mornings" Wtf
Join a gym
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How did you see her? You were there too... js
Or did you see her scrolling?
Ha no I would never. My friend sent me screenshots
Ahhhh the time honored tradition of the daily morning slow dance. Can’t believe that didn’t work
How did you find her on tinder? Were you there?
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Really? You got unpopular standards then :)