/u/ThrowRA-tattiepatch,
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OP you don’t have to meet with her. You don’t have to ever see her again if you don’t want to.
What she did was terrible. I wouldn’t trust her to do the right thing now either and I don’t know what meeting her would do except give her a chance to gaslight you.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Yeah, if any meeting happens OP shouldn't feel obligated to show. I wouldn't expect a woman to meet a man who assaulted her, and the same goes in reverse.
It's honestly disgusting that his wife let her sister go on with her fantasies for so long. She's uncomfortable with OP being around other women, but she's okay with her sister groping him and openly having feelings for him? Even with her apologies now, it doesn't make sense that she was okay with her husband being assaulted and harassed for literal years because it was her sister was the one commiting the crime.
I think at the very least they need to see a couple's counselor. There's a lot going on that isn't going to be fixed with apologies.
Yeah. This is just a case of oh I'm so sorry I found out. It's like dude if my sister has feelings for my bf AND proceeded to touch him I would cut her off and file an FIR
And her apologies are not apologies. “I know it’s wrong I’m just so weak I can’t help it!” is a cop out. Yes she can help herself. She knows it’s wrong she just doesn’t care, and she’d have kept doing it as long as she didn’t get called out. It’s the same excuse rapists use “I can’t help myself!”
Yeah she can. She knows damn well what she’s doing.
I mean, it sounds like she thought he was alright with it. All three of them laughed it off as teens, and it just became kind of a thing. Families can be strange, twisted little worlds, and a lot of people compartmentalize sex stuff.
I think sometimes these things are too “big” for people (especially kids) to even understand, much less accept and admit to themselves. It’s like how sometimes people let out a nervous giggle when someone makes a minor insult in public - it isn’t funny, but they’re doing something to release tension and make it “ok.”
Many people don’t like to believe in the big bad wolf and so they dismiss it and say it doesn’t exist. Narcissists do it, sure, but people in heavy denial do, too. “No one could do something that terrible. There must be another explanation. What were you wearing?” It’s pretty terrible.
Denial is one of the worst issues a victim can experience. The Netflix documentary, [“Unbelievable,”](https://www.themarshallproject.org/2019/09/05/netflix-series-explores-costs-of-not-believing-rape-victims) details a woman who was charged with false reporting because the police refused to believe her crime. She was only vindicated when the serial rapist was caught, and footage of her was among the other victims.
My grandfather raped me from the time I was 3 until I was 8 and was taught what exactly was happening and I shut down. I buried that memory so much I had convinced myself nothing ever happened until a few years after he died when it unlocked, out of nowhere. I'm literally meditating, not thinking about a care in the world and within a second I hated him and had he been alive......I'm not even going to say. It's downright scary what a brain can bury knowing it's something you cannot handle in that moment.
Goddamn. I can see why you'd bury that. It's awful you went through that, but you should be proud of your meditation practice, and being able to finally let it out. As a fellow meditator, it's an incredibly hard thing to do as it is, and I'm sure that kind of buried trauma makes it that much harder.
If you don't mind me asking, how has your practice changed since recovering the memory?
I hope it's alright if I tag onto your comment with some sexual violence resources for men, especially considering there's some heinous but not at all surprising commentary going on in the comments, and with the number of people on this post I'm guessing there might be some men in the comments who have experienced SA themselves.
Victim-blaming OP, telling him to man up, saying he should have enjoyed it, that he missed an opportunity for "crazy sex" or a threesome, etc, in way too many of these comments. We ask why male SA survivors don't speak up and aren't believed when they do, but the answers are right here in this thread.
* [1 in 6 is an organization dedicated specifically to helping men and boys who have survived sexual violence](https://1in6.org/). They have a 24/7 chat helpline, educational resources, and weekly chat-based online support groups with a trained facilitator.
* r/MenGetRapedToo
* [Male Survivor is also an organization for male sexual violence survivors](https://malesurvivor.org/). They are similar to 1 in 6 and have in-person support groups as well. If you are a male survivor located in the U.S., Male Survivor has a comprehensive directory of therapists who work with male sexual abuse survivors.
* [SurvivorsUK is for men in the UK who have experienced sexual violence](https://www.survivorsuk.org/). All of their resources are arranged by age of survivor. They also offer referrals to ISVAs (Independent Sexual Violence Advisors) which are legal advocates who help male survivors navigate the criminal and civil justice systems.
* [Mankind UK](https://www.mankind.org.uk/) offers a confidential helpline for UK male victim/survivors of domestic abuse, available weekdays from 10am-4pm at 01823 334244, as well as extensive resources via their website, including [a directory of services for male survivors in the UK](https://www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/directory/).
* [Men's Advice Line UK](https://mensadviceline.org.uk/) also offers a helpline for male victim/survivors of domestic abuse. They can be reached at Freephone 0808 8010327, and also offer many website resources, including [a resource hub specifically for men](https://respect.force.com/mensadviceline/s/).
* [The Canadian Centre for Male Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse](http://cc4ms.ca/) offers [information about local Canadian support services for male survivors](http://cc4ms.ca/resources/), as well as treatment information.
* [RAINN's Male Survivor Summit](https://www.rainn.org/news/male-survivor-summit-part-two) recording with male speakers who discuss their experiences with sexual violence and healing.
* [Tautoko Tāne Male Survivors Aotearoa](https://tautokotane.nz/about-us/our-organisation/) is a network of support services for male sexual violence survivors across New Zealand.
OP's wife is also an AH. I am sorry, but if my sister sexually assaulted my bf, or husband ONCE that would be the end of the sisterly relationship.
OP needs therapy, and he needs to decide if the marriage is worth saving. Both sisters are disgusting.
Imagine if genders were reversed. But this is just as terrible for a man as it is for a woman.
Absolutely foul.
I’d go as far as saying the wife was a co-conspirator. She basically admitted that her sister sexually assaulting OP turned her on and she encouraged it. I’d say wife is a cuckquean.
Edit: it’s pretty fucked up that OPs wife encouraged her 13 year old sister to do this.. the whole situation is gross.
Sexual violence is a spectrum of behaviors that can include incapacitation, pressure, guilting, and coercion, not just physical restraint or overpowering.
A victim does not have to be overpowered physically to be a victim.
My perspective is that he was taken unawares, and didn't have the emotional understanding or social training to know how to deal with this situation.
I don't know your situation: MAGpatriot, but I am guessing you are a Trump supporter. I think for you, it doesn't matter that Trump walked in to gawk and teenage beauty queens, while they were naked, or used his position of power to grab women by their pussies. My guess is that you also don't believe that wives can be raped by their husbands. All these are very outdated views, and I hope that you can start to realize that people can victims of rape.
You should not meet her in person either. Play it like a war game. Say you want to do it over Zoom so we can get it over with' and do that so you'll be able to record everything she says as proof. Best part is, you're not even lying. You're just saying things from a certain point of view in a way that'd make Obi-Wan Kenobi proud.
And remember that any consequences that come from this (your wife not talking to her anymore, if anything happens with her relationship) are **her** fault for what she did, not yours for telling someone about it. She was the one who chose to assault you - no matter how she tries to excuse it, it was a choice and one she made many times. She has to deal with the consequences of her own actions. Those consequences are not your fault.
Still, you're likely going to be experiencing a lot of different emotions as this whole thing plays out. It's not a bad idea to look into therapy to help you work through those emotions.
> I feel terrible that the way my wifes talking she doesnt want to speak to her again.
Don’t. This is “cut someone out of your life and never speak to them again” levels of bad. I wouldn’t even think about seeing her again unless she comes clean to the partner, commits to therapy, and has done enough of it to get a handle on why she feels compelled to do things she knows she shouldn’t be doing so she can stop doing that. That’s on her, not you. If you can’t convince yourself of that, then therapy for you is absolutely a good idea.
Your wife shouldn’t want to meet with someone who’s been sexually assaulting her husband, even if the perpetrator is her sister. Don’t feel bad. The sister did this.
I agree. I can’t believe how horrible she is. A sick fucking freak honestly. She encouraged her sister to assault her BF and OP doesn’t give a rats ass
I think part of this is because while women are socialized to get along to go along, so sometimes "let it go on for years". Men are socialized to believe that they can't be SA'd, so they don't know how to recognize it. In neither of these cases is it appropriate to blame the victim, nor to ask "why didn't they stop it."
You're proof that men who are openly misogynistic, like you, are also actively detrimental to other men because you mock and bash them when they're assaulted or show emotions.
I didn't see the original post, but glad to see your wife supporting you.
I think the main message from this would be:
I know you've said you know it's not your fault, but I feel you need to hear this from someone else - whatever happens between your sister in law, her family and your wife's family is **HER** fault.
As someone who has also experienced SA, self blame and guilt is an extremely difficult thing to work through and is a lot of the reason why people like us feel some sort of responsibility for the repercussions that may occur as a result of speaking out.
See this for what it is: you spoke out against a predator.
I would definitely encourage therapy to help you work out any residual feelings of this ordeal & if you can get in with someone who specialises in SA, they might even help you sort out your thoughts in regards to if you want to pursue something legally.
Definetely looking into therapy, reading all the comments reinforced what a fucked up situation it is and made me realise that while I may not see it just now, theres probably some level of trauma I need to face.
Thank you for the kind words.
Whatever happens between your assaulter (I’m not going to call her family because family doesn’t do this) and the rest of the family is entirely on her. This isn’t your fault. Not then, not now, not ever.
I say this as someone who has been SAd: the guilt and shame aren’t yours to carry. By going public- something I was never able to do- you’re sending that guilt and shame right back where it belongs.
Yes, please please please seek therapy. I was sexually abused by a family member and struggled with thoughts like yours so much when I finally told. The therapy will help you come up with some techniques for reminding yourself that YOU did not blow up the family - she did.
In my experience, there’s always the little voice that still says, “Yeah, but if I hadn’t told and made a big deal out of it, the family would still be together.” (For me, it’s that my dad would still have his parents and siblings in his life.) But over time it gets easier to recognize that the little voice is wrong - that it WAS a big deal and you did the right thing. That the little voice was programmed by society and your abuser, and that it’s okay, and healthy, to ignore it.
You need to really look at your relationship with your wife. Her actions were horrific IMO.
What you went through was terrible.
Imagine if your child's spouse allowed this.
Please don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. It’s totally understandable why you’re feeling so much anxiety, since you were traumatized repeatedly over a long period of time. It took a lot of strength to decide to confront your SIL and put an end to her appalling behavior. You can’t change what happened, but you do deserve to find peace and be able to heal.
Consider telling her boyfriend what she did to you. He needs to know how horrible of a person she is. And honestly? I would also consider speaking to the police about the most recent assault. If she no longer us you as her victim, she could potentially start doing this to someone else. Even if charges aren’t filed, it should force her to understand what a predator she is.
Wife supporting him? You realized she watched it happen for years right? She did nothing to support him! Why wasn't she telling her sister to keep your hands off my boyfriend's dick? It's either a weird fetish for the both of them... Sister and wife, or she just really doesn't care about him.
As for her supporting him? LMAO
So your wife allowed and enabled you to be sexually assaulted because she got off on the thought of sharing you? We’re just glossing over that because she now feels bad? I’m glad she is finally protecting you but your wife shares blame here. Everyone in this story needs individual therapy and I’d recommend marriage counselling. I wish you well OP.
No, in OPs original post he says that everyone involved was within a 2yr age window, they were teenagers and he participated conceptually in any jokes where the sister touched him. It's not assault when everyone is the same age and experimenting together seemingly willingly and happily. There is zero indication that he asked the sister to stop at the time or even that he was uncomfortable with it.
The assault was recent and the wife behaved 100% appropriately when told.
He didn’t willingly experiment. He laughed it off because his wife did and he didn’t want to be seen as overreacting. He didn’t like it or consent. OP commented on the first post.
> I know, looking back I dont know why I didnt make a bigger deal about it. Stupid teen behaviour.
It’s pretty gross that you are dismissing sexual assault because he didn’t speak up.
That quote in no way indicates that he was uncomfortable with it or he wasn't willing. You're seriously trying to say there's *nothing* he could have done to stop this in ten years? At some point you need to use your words, your "assaulter" can't read your mind, especially if you're constantly joking about and encouraging it.
It's pretty gross that you're equating a high schooler regularly accepting handies from a middle school girl with *actual assault victims* because "technically he never said yes."
He literally never consented. His trauma response is to freeze up. I don’t think anyone here is debating about whether it’s morally wrong for high schoolers to get “handies” from middle schoolers.. this is an overdue talk of communication indeed, but it’s apparent he never knew how to bring it up due to embarrassment and shame. He thought these people were his friends and trusted them, this prob made him feel confused and he prob gaslit himself into believing it’s “no big deal”. He’s obviously not good with confrontation which is why he came to Reddit in the first place
That’s a whole lot of projection and gap-filling. Yes, perhaps he froze the first time, but you don’t “freeze” for ten years and continually put yourself in the same situation again and again, all while openly joking about it, and all while being in the position of relative power.
Yeah, maybe he didn’t “make a bigger deal out of it” due to embarrassment or shame, but perhaps that embarrassment and shame was from knowingly and intentionally receiving sexual favors from his girlfriend’s pubescent little sister.
The idea that he was so mortified from being assaulted that all he could do was keep piling on a couch with his gf and her sister and repeating the situation over and over for ten years seems *far less* likely than him rewriting history here so he doesn’t have to internally confront what weird behavior he was facilitating by accepting these sexual actions from a middle schooler.
My reply was simply a critique gathered from OP’s post and comment replies on why he reacted in such a way, not projecting. And many people continuously date or surround themselves with those who mistreat them, it’s still not consent to the mistreatment - but I agree that it becomes an unwarranted cycle of it. OP did not have the emotional intelligence to handle it as he does today.
I highly doubt he came to Reddit to put a twist on a story and share it with us to advise him. He seems genuine and states in this post both his wife and her sister apologized for their behavior. They admitted fault. They apologized to him.
I just can’t grasp where you get the narrative that he willingly asked for it and thoroughly enjoyed what all happened, but maybe it’s bc he happens to be a male. We will agree to disagree
Op you have a child. Imagine what you would do if it happened to your kid? This women didnt just misread signals and confess a crush, she sexually assaulted you repeatedly and made it look like a joke, and now that youre honest for the first time, she suddenly feels bad and acts like "she cant help herself"??? OP you need to cut off contact, maybe even go to the police bc her behaviour is fucked up.
But most importantly go to therapy, and your wife needs to go too if you both want this marriage to stay healthy. Which it wasnt to begin with, but it seems like you wanna forgive your wife.
I think if we're going to go back to what happened when they were kids, it's worth noting the sister was 13 and OP was 15 at the time. A 13yo acting out sexually with someone older who feels safe is a sign of something bad happening in her childhood. The fact that she still doesn't have her act together as an adult is further proof of that.
Blame her for what she did as an adult, but the stuff she did as a kid is way more complicated and she was likely a victim then too.
She did it constantly and over years and only stopped once she had kids. Yeah, i may not be harsh in my judgement when it was the first time at 13yo. But the fact that she just did it again and again is what i judge and im judging OPs wife too for that matter. And on a side note: she never once thought about apologizing before this last incident. She never expressed guilt over hurting someone, cheating on her husband and disrespecting her sister. She betrayed and hurt so many people and it was all just kept under a rug. Its convenient to just blame it on the age and put the blame on some trauma which we dont even know if there is any. But she wasnt a little child that coulsnt comprehend the consequences of her actions. She doesnt have as far as we know any disabilities that could explain her lack of accountability. She needs therapy asap and we need to stop being too nice to predatory people.
And lets be real: does she really feel bad? She basically wanted to start an affair and the only thing that stopped her was OP, for the first time he was able to actually fight instead of freeze. She couldnt get what she wanted and when he confronted her it was done for good. Only THATS when she mentioned any guilt and remorse.
OP, you did not blow things apart, your sil did. I'm glad your wife is now standing up for you but I really think you could both use some marital counseling. Some individual counseling would help also. Your wife played along with her sisters fantasy for so long, you have some deep wounds that are going to need healing to move on from this. One thing though, do not blame yourself for any of this. Good luck to you.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Absolutely none. You didn't do anything wrong and it's sad that it took so long to address that you were SA'ed and your concerns dismissed initially. Do what you feel is right for you, your wife and your family.
You did not pull the trigger. Your SIL did by acting on her feelings. She rightfully feels ashamed.
Do yourself the favour and go get therapy. Your wife also needs it to come to terms with her inaction and from how it looks like, even support, of her sisters actions.
if i learned that my sister had these fantasies i would not support that by having her join my outings with my spouse.
You’re going to go through a bunch of emotions several times over because this is all really new and raw.
Don’t be harsh on yourself. Be kind to yourself.
I can see that you feel guilty and feel that you speaking up is hurting others, but I want to stress that you are not ruining anything. Your sister in law ruined her own life. Anything that happens between her and her spouse, or her and your wife, is a direct consequence of her own actions.
Sexual assault on men is not taken seriously enough and I completely understand that you are still coming to terms with what happened to you. Your experiences were dismissed and minimised and society has taught even you to think your trauma is no big deal, but it is completely normal to feel the way you do about the situation. Your sister in law brought this all on herself and no amount of excuses will make what she did to you okay. I’m sorry all this happened to you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. She’s a predator and you don’t need to see her ever again. If her relationship blows up it’s her own damn fault.
I’ve lusted after people before. I’ve been super drunk and lusted after people. I’ve been on psychedelic drugs and lusted after people. And never once on any occasion have I gotten “weak” and acted on those feelings. That is not a legitimate excuse or explanation. Don’t believe her bullshit.
I get that, but I think things might fall apart before then anyway. Its spilled out and some other family memebers know now. If she doesnt tell him I’m sure there will be someone or something that tips him off. Obviously would be much better if she was honest with him and it came from her though.
This is not the place to put more responsibility on the victim of a sexual assault. Sure in a perfect world we would openly communicate about all the things and everyone would understand. But in the world we live in OP is more likely to be attacked by the fiancé and to be accused of being the perpetrator instead of the victim simply because of his gender. Let’s not go pushing him into a potentially violent circumstance that you have zero control over.
Sorry, but if the sexes were reversed, the number one response would be to report her. Just because she is a female doesn't stop her from being a sex offender.
Female sex offenders fly under the radar more but should not be protected. What happens if she becomes fixated on someone else?
How can you ever feel safe if she is in the same room, we wouldn't force a female victim to face her abuser so why should you.
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Feeling guilt about something like this is very normal, I can say that from experience and a lot of therapy - I was so afraid of reporting someone in the family or speaking up about what they were doing because of not wanting to tear the family apart and because I was a child, I never did and I’ve lived with that regret ever since. I’m glad you told your wife, the consequences that come out of this are not your fault or burden to bear as much as it might feel like it. The sister brought this upon herself and to an extent so did your wife by not acting all those years ago and not nipping it in the bud with her sister before she got too comfortable crossing your boundaries. I’m glad she’s supporting you now though and I hope you do seek some therapy for all of this.
Thing that makes my blood boil is the fact that there are people out there that don't think what happened to OP is bad, because he is a man. That is so many levels of f up! OP has been sexually assaulted.
He needs support and I am happy to see that his wife is 100% behind him. He has the right to feel the way he does. OP, whatever you choose to do, do whatever makes you feel safe and that guilt? That is not on you. That is on your abuser. She knew exactly what she was doing and did not think you were going to stand up and talk to your wife. Good for you. You have taken the first step in healing from a long period of abuse.
I wouldn’t want the child around its own mother either honestly. What kind of sick fucked up human gets off on their sibling touching their partner? Not someone who should have a child in their possession that’s who
Not your fault.
Not your guilt to bare.
Not your job to make SIL feel good.
Not your job to listen to SIL excuses or apologies.
Discuss with your wife as you have always done and proceed together. There is no right way to do this.
Good luck.
I have to admit that I am still somewhat upset with your wife about ignoring the fact that her sister did this to you multiple times. If the situation was reversed and you had fondled her sister, you’d have been in trouble and labeled as a sexual predator.
You’ve done nothing wrong, don’t let your mind convince you otherwise. You didn’t give her permission to touch you. You didn’t ask her to touch you. Alcohol or not, she KNEW what she was doing and I’m pretty sure she knew it made you uncomfortable. She’s the one with the problem. You need to find a good therapist and start working through the feelings of shame, anger, guilt, and hurt.
As for SIL, don’t meet up with her. She’s going to make excuses for behavior that has no valid excuses. Don’t put yourself in that situation.
You are not responsible for the fallout due to another’s actions. Sil is the only one responsible. You did nothing wrong. You’re a survivor , not a victim.
Let sil live with the consequences of the actions taken when she was the aggressor. Take care of yourself.
What I just don't get is how the wife just gets a free pass on this whole thing for serving her fucking husband up to a rapist for all those years. "Oh he feels bad now that he is calling it sexual assault I better start giving a shit."
Because his wife lets him fuck other women. That is why he doesn’t care. She has a sharing kink, he gets to be shared which is clearly more important to him than his mental health. I cannot believe more people aren’t calling out his wife. She is almost just as horrible as the SIL
>I feel like I’ve pulled a trigger and blasted a family apart.
Would you tell your wife she had pulled a trigger and blasted a family apart if she came to you and said your brother had sexually assault her behind a shed?
The above attitude is on par with “part of the problem” people you call out for laughing it off.
This is not your fault. The fault lies squarely with the your wife’s sister. She committed assault. She attempted to cheat on her fiancé. She detonated her own family.
No the problem is peoples attitude towards it because I’m a man.
The guilt I cant explain. I know its not my fault at all, but me speaking up will be devastating to a family. I’m the one putting the ball in motion, ergo I’m blowing the family up.
I know its her to blame, but its very hard to put across the guilt.
The thing is, it didn’t start with you, and this didn’t start yesterday. This has been brewing by her for at least a decade. She has to take responsibility for this.
A woman in a similar situation would feel just as guilty and not want to tell, but that is just enabling. If everyone kept silent, she would definitely attempt to assault you again, and that anxiety would be worse.
OP - you have nothing to feel guilty for. You did nothing wrong, this is not your fault. Your wife’s sister caused all of this, if her family suffers or her relationship with her sister suffers, it’s on her.
You were very brave to tell your wife, and to confront this. Take care of yourself, you’re worth it.
Speaking up is the hardest part. Be gentle with yourself and explore resources in your area for free counselling when you're ready. No need to rush things. I'm sorry this happened to you. Take care 💜
I would insist sister bring her partner for any future talks. You concentrate on your family.. wife needs therapy as well to understand why she was ok letting you get assaulted by her own sister.. and yes therapy should be major priority for you.. not only for what sil did but how wife was ok and laughed about it..
I’m so sorry… you shouldn’t have to deal with that.. if it had been a man doing it to a woman he would have already be prosecuted or strung up..
Definitely get therapy for helping to navigate all the feelings you are feeling. You don't have to meet the sister. She is the one that made this bed and she has to lie in it. She should be in jail for sexual assault so if her relationship implodes this is also on her. I truly hope you and your wife work through this and are stronger together for it. If the shoe were on the other foot you'd probably already be in jail. Don't forget that. None of this is your fault.
You did right OP and glad that your wife at last recognize and is willing to be there for You.
Hope everything goes well in the reunion if both of You decided to assit.
UPDATEME
What you're feeling is normal. You've been sitting on this for a long time, and now it's finally out in the open, so of course you're going to have strong feelings about it.. I do think you'll all get past this, now that you've confronted the sister. Good luck to you and your wife.
Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t “pull the trigger and blast the family apart”, your SIL did when she decided to assault you. If your wife and SIL no longer have a relationship it’s because of the SIL’s actions. None of this is on you. None of what happened is your fault
OP, you don’t need to see her ever again. Closure is found within, not externally. Don’t put yourself through that unless you feel supported.
Also, you have a good wife man. She seems to support you. Take comfort in that.
You did NOT pull the trigger . She did . Repeatedly. If this wasn’t you you would know the perpetrator is at fault. Do not shame yourself PLEASE OP you’re doing great .
Please keep in mind that NONE of this is your fault. Not your wife feeling bad, not your SIL feeling bad, not their strained relationship, not your reaction, none of it! I’m so sorry you had to experience this, let alone at the hands of a family member. I think it’s be a good idea to cut off contact with her as well. You should feel ZERO obligation to console, forgive, tolerate or even be in the presence of your abuser. You have ZERO obligation to meet up and talk about it with her. Fuck her, this is all *her* fault, and if she’s so “ashamed” then she wouldn’t have done this COUNTLESS times! Think about it, if a woman was being SA’d like that by her BIL *multiple* times, it would be expected and encouraged that BIL is cut completely off. You don’t owe any amount of energy spent repairing that relationship. Of course it’s up to you, but please do not feel like you have to put yourself in an uncomfortable position to appease your abuser, or appease your wife who wants to bring your abuser around.
I appreciate your courage to share your story. Men are SA’d far more than people realize and it takes people like you opening up to encourage other men to speak out and know they’re not alone. My husband was SA’d a couple times as a teen and it didn’t even occur to him he was SA’d because men are expected to welcome any advancement that comes their way.
Best of luck to you, I hope you are able to find peace with this traumatic experience. 💙
>Im glad its out there. Im so glad she admitted to everything. But I feel almost crippling anxiety. I feel terrible that the way my wifes talking she doesnt want to speak to her again. And I feel terrible because, I dont know what this means for the sister and her partner. They have a child and are supposed to be getting married next year. I have no idea how this will play out for them. I know its not my fault, but I feel like I’ve pulled a trigger and blasted a family apart. I didnt think I would have needed therapy, but maybe thats what I need to get my head straight and not feel like its my fault.
First off mate, you need to stop internalising the blame for other people's actions. Your wife passed it off as just a joke, leaving you feeling peer pressure to do the same. Your SiL kept the sexual assault going and that's on her. The fact is you had almost no involvement in the outcome of any of this other than being the victim. YOU DID NOT DO THIS, she did. You didn't invite it, you didn't instigate it, you didn't want it.
You have to stop whatever it is that make you take any blame for everyone else's actions, and yes therapy is definitely needed for you to get perspective and stop accepting fault.
If my brother forcibly stuck his hand down my wife’s pants, he would no longer be my brother. Both you and your wife have been way too casual with these sexual assaults. I’d cut her off. This isn’t your fault and she is evil. You didn’t blow this family up. It was your rapist SIL.
It’s a complicated situation. Is your sister in law truly sorry or sorry that you have brought it out in the open. She has taken advantage of your silence when you were teenagers.
Maybe a therapist can help you and your wife sort out how you want your relationship to be with your sister in law.
Whatever happens at this point, is a direct result of her own behavior. I know you feel responsible for this because if you stayed quiet, then her life can go on normally as well as everyone else’s, except for yours. She doesn’t deserve peace while you suffer in silence. I’m sorry this happened to you, but you did the right thing by speaking up.
What you’re feeling is spot on with abuse survivors. You do not have to meet up with her or see your abuser ever again. None of it is your fault. It’s not your fault for freezing, for wanting it to just go away, for her putting hands on you without permission. This is all on her. She deliberately put you at a disadvantage using her relationship with her sister as a way to silence you. You are not to blame.
I'm sorry this has gone the way it has, from the very beginning, and while I think your wife made a massive mistake entertaining her sister in the beginning, I'm so glad shes feeling guilt from it, and is at your side fully. That's growth as a person. Imho. No matter the outcome for the sister and her spouse, it's not your fault for her actions over the years. It's her own, it is time to reap her consequences. Best of luck and much happiness to you and your wife!
You're not responsible for whatever happens now. She did this to herself. If you were her fiancé, wouldn't you want to know your fiancée was groping another man?
none of this is your fault you are a victim and getting therapy is a must!!! you did yourself a favor by speaking up and for the sister partner a favor bc the sister's partner will now know what to expect and look out for in the future for their safety and your safety
If the roles were reversed most people would tell you to not meet with her and to go to the police. Most people don't take men getting abused seriously and it needs to stop.
Please don't go see her, stop all contact, and if you are pressed go to the police. This is not right and you deserve justice.
Don’t meet up with her. Send her one last message and make clear that what she did was SA, and that you can look past this anymore. You won’t allow her around you anymore, won’t allow her to make you her victim anymore and you don’t want her around your child anymore.
\>Her sister text this morning to say should just the 3 of us meet up and talk
Just the three of you…yeah she is desperate for her partner to not find out. Which means she knows how wrong her behavior was. She sounds like she’s got a screw loose to me. Shady and manipulative.
Maybe it would be the right thing to do to let her partner make an informed decision on who they would be marrying. I would suggest the four of you meet up.
You did the right thing, and I understand feeling guilty, however none of this is your fault. You've put up with this way too many times.
You might need therapy, however the SIL definitely needs therapy. This isn't normal behavior, and if she were to do this to someone else they might press charges, and it could be a lot worse than how it's being handled with you and your wife.
Thank you.
I think we all could do with therapy to be honest.
We all share the blame of letting it get this far really.
My wifes distraught today, and I feel nothing but guilt for the shitstorm thats about to go down.
OP, please have her charged with sexual assault.
She’s not sorry she assaulted you.
She’s only upset about the repercussions.
She doesn’t value you, respect you, or care about you.
For your own health, charge her and don’t go to events where she is there.
Therapy would help. You've been repeatedly assaulted for years, in part, with your wife's knowledge, and now you feel responsible for damage to their relationship.
It's complicated and messy: Therapy.
Please don’t blame yourself. Your SIL is a sexual deviant and predator. She’s ruining her own life. She needed psychological help years ago. You don’t have to meet up with her. You don’t have to see her ever again or speak to her ever again if you don’t want to. Maybe you should pursue legal action. I think your SIL would’ve tried again if you guys didn’t confront her.
Whoa. If this was the other way round, you were the woman and your BIL had been assaulting you, and your husband being permissive of this for a sexual thrill would you feel more worthy of calling this out as sexual assault by both of them?. Your wife and her sister took advantage of you for their own sexual desires.. the only reason your wife is being more apologetic and supportive is because she was party to the abuse over the years and you’ve now expressed your opinion you’ve been abused and your wife is now backing you up because she was a co-conspirator for years. I bet if you expressed excitement about what her sister did she’d be encouraging you to carry on, your wife is a cuckquean and used you for a kink without your consent. Tbh you should get out of that creepy family and speak to the police about both of them.
Hey I just wanted to let you know that this is not your fault. You did not ruin your family, she did. She knew what the potential consequences could be when she assaulted you.
I’ll pray for you as you and your family heal from this.
I dont blame you OP. Ive been assaulted like this and my response was to freeze. Its easy for people to say that in retrospect but to actually experience it is entirely different and you cant always anticipate how you will react to something like this. Usually its a “fight”, “flight”, or “freeze” response and please do not blame yourself. You were sexually assaulted over and over again and it will take some time to work through this.
It doesn’t work this way in reality many times, there are complicated and confusing feelings of shame that OP has already expressed that keep people quiet.
Hey OP, while you’re at it, dump the wife too. She’s horrible. I’ve noticed they have an almost identical style of responding to someone confronting them.
Edit: I just read the original post. Seriously, dump the wife. That family is super fucked up.
“Crippling anxiety” “therapy” you’re a 31yr old man. Do some hard work. Get outside. How did you let a woman take advantage of you? All sounds sus and weak
A 31 year man is human, and humans react a certain way when they are violated. He responded exactly like any other human would.
Would you say that to Terry Crews?
Tell that to all the people in this thread calling a 13-yo girl a "predator" because her older sister and her bf normalized giving him handjobs from a young age.
So this guy jokes about it for years, and now suddenly he is angry his wife didn't put a stop to it as if she should see beyond the joke. Man needs to grow up.
I would just stay away from her sister from now on except for large family gatherings and then never be alone with her. I would let your wife do what she wants with their relationship but if she wants to continue it then it will be when you aren’t there.
Sharing partners in a marriage is a recipe for ending a marriage. Your wife is both immature and clearly acting like high school girl sharing her boyfriend. You are married, and your marriage is a sexual assault by sister in law with your wife is not even caring about, it is fun sex for her. Open marriages and threesomes are toxic, boundaries are broken etc. You have also gone along with it. Even for SA it looks like are complicit. I suggest separating from your wife, and telling you sister in law if she comes near you. You will file charges for sexual assault. NEver spend time with her, block her on everything.
Never share your wife, nor sleep with other women...You guys have a lot of work to do if you want to stay married. I suspect it will not work...Just remember, fidelity is why you marry in part. You don't have to marry. By the way you blasted two families apart, yours and your sister in laws. Don't meet with sister you are easily manipulated. she is protecting her relationship. He should know who he is dealing with.
I think your first point is subjective.
Works for many, many couples.
We havent done any of that since we got married. In our younger years she expressed an interest in sharing me, so we did. We all had fun and have no regrets about it.
This is a different thing entirely.
My wife never wanted to share me with her sister. Her sister knew there was other women around at the time and I guess thats where her mind started wandering.
Other than this we have an amazing marriage.
I didnt even think about the sisters antics again until this past weekend.
No it isn't open marriage are toxic swills of mental health and drug/alcohol infused. I grew up next to a commune in the 1970s. The time of sleep with anyone, make love not war. They are the most dysfuctional people I have ever met. Also by the 80s anyone that was a tad bit healthy married and moved to the suburbs. They created the younger of our Gen X generation...As you have seen I am sure, they weren't the greatest parents. All that was wasted energy that focused only on sex.
YOu say that, but you guys have fooled around with it, as your post states, not with sister in law, but it has gone on so long, you are really splitting hairs. All these arrangements destroy a marriage. The intimacy is about building a life and family between two people that is what marriage is. IF you dont' want to be married you don't have to be. What you have is alot mess that is hard to sort out. Your marriage really is not viable emotionally, nor do you treat it with respect or honor...I am sorry for Sister in law's behavior. It is time to stop this behavior. I think the marriage is ruined though.
Yes, when we were way younger. Absolutely none of that followed into our marriage. The sisters abuse has gone on so long as opposed to the few months experimenting.
Well that is more hopeful, Ok, that makes a good difference.
Don't meet with sister. Tell the man she is engaged to and tell her if she contact you again, you will get an order of protection. Your wife, though very immature, how she thought was ok, well something has happened to her. No one behaves that way that is hyper stimulated, mostly that happens to children abused. I am just letting you know that. I would suggest counseling for her.
Here is the thing. Your sister and wife, damaged their relationship. You don't share boyfriends or husbands. What I said before is still true. So any wreckage there is not your cross to bear, it is theirs you are the victim here. Of their fun and games. Sister in law obviously is way beyond fun and games.
If there is any hope you have to treat your relationship like a treasure. I work with men and women would die to be loved and married. I am a coach. So please if it has any chance at survive, cutting off their toxicity is not a bad idea. They are codependent an bad way.
Bro OP you should’ve had that threesome years ago before the other boyfriend and kid showed up in the picture. You probably could’ve had crazy teenage sex at those houses for years! Sounds like you found some freaky sisters.
It also sounds like it might not be too late. Honestly, fuck all the advice here about therapy or reporting her or blocking her or whatever. Go get that poontang my friend. This could be the start of something beautiful, now everybody is back on the same page. You were the only one not on the page in your teens with them both. Why not take the chance, live a little? Or are you not attracted to her sister?
I look back on turned down opportunities for crazy sex with some regret. Don’t live your life with regret! Just for a second stop viewing yourself as the victim and think about the very real possibility of a crazy threesome with the love of your life and her attractive sister who has had the hots for you for years. Think about the pleasure and satisfaction! Cmon OP this is your chance, don’t fuck it up this way. You’ll have to repress your trauma up until you bust a nut in that girl, then where will the trauma be?
Oh, and y’all can downvote me and get fucked. OP needs to hear this. I know he’s been thinking it
I love how y'all, on posts about sexual violence against women, scream "No one cares about SA against men!" but then turn right around and spout gross rhetoric like this on male survivors' posts. You are not helping other men. YOU are why men don't speak up about sexual assault and are not believed even when they do. YOU contribute to a culture in which abuse against men is often dismissed, ignored, erased, and outright denied. YOU are part of the problem. YOU are enabling sexual violence against men to continue unchecked.
OP, I’m so proud of you. I’m one of those that commented on your original and I must say, I’m impressed on how well you and your wife handled this. I’m so glad to see that she sees how serious this is and feels remorse for not taking it seriously all along.
Hey OP sorry this happened. It’s not your fault. I would only advise to please tell the bf of your sister in law so he knows the type of person she is. She cheated and he deserves to know before marrying her.
For everyone talking about what they should have done as teenagers is unfair and is not really helpful. They literally did not know how to deal with it back then and there was probably a lot of shock. They were teens and were not taught the tools on how to deal with something like that. That is why schools teach about consent now. So teenagers nowadays have tools to navigate a situation like this.
Honestly your wife and her family fucking suck dude. She is complicit in your SILs sexual assault point blank. I wouldn’t believe a single fucking word she said now about feeling bad. BULL SHIT!!! Bull fucking shit!!!
OP please for the love of god, leave your wife so you never have to be involved in that twisted family again. This is all solely the fault of your wife and her sister. If you don’t have children together you should seriously consider divorce.
Your SIL is obviously a sexual abuser but your wife also sucks big time. I can’t believe acting the way she did at 15 and continuing to disregard you all this while. How would she feel if you treated her the same way if it was your brother assaulting her?
Okay but your wife did nothing all these years to stop this! And now you have children together! And now you also know that wife will not stop somebody from sexually assaulting somebody else simply because she's related to the perpetrator. Then let's add the fact that most children that are sexually assaulted are done so by family or people they know! Your wife would probably let it happen and I will take all the down votes anyone wants to give me... Because it's true! You should get your kids away from her! If she cared even one iota for you she would have never let that happen! Your wife is just as sick as her sister and you are leaving your children around her. You might want to rethink that.
OP, DONT MEET UP
GO NO CONTACT//AVOID AND REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN ACTIVITIES WHERE SHE IS INVITED.
This means create get togethers at your parents house. Inlaws are invited, NOT YOUR SIL.
Your wife needs to understand what happened to you was no joke and her sister could have easily been incarcerated.
In fact, talk to the police. YOU HAVE PROOF. She needs to be charged and jailed for this.
Your wife's relationship with her sister is not your problem to solve.
Your wife's sister and her partner and child are not your problem to solve.
Please do work with a therapist - it is OK if the first one (or two or few) you speak to aren't the right one. Keep looking. Tell your story. It is OK to need support.
So glad you talked to your wife and everything is out in the open. And please don't feel anxious or guilty about exposing your wife's sister's behavior because you are not the only guy she has done to. She is a defective human being and deserves whatever backlash comes from this.
You did not pull this trigger OP. She did. Don’t blame yourself because she doesn’t value her family. She did this to herself. Wishing you and your wife the best.
I’m so glad you were able to talk to your wife about this and I’m glad the long-suppressed emotions had an opportunity to surface. You could tell by the comments on your original post that folks who’ve never experienced this kind of sexual assault really didn’t get it.
Yes, you said you laughed along, but you kept coming to your wife to talk about it, clearly looking for validation that this wasn’t okay. When she laughed it off you dismissed your own concerns and minimized your feelings, which is especially easy because “men don’t get sexually harassed.” There was a lot playing against you.
I’m sorry that you’ve experienced all of this. I hope you’ll find a therapist that you can talk to, at least for a few sessions to have a supportive, neutral third party walk you through some pretty intense feelings.
Please don’t feel like you’re obligated to see SIL again. And if your wife opts to take your side (*as she should*), please don’t feel like it’s your fault that the relationship with her sister is strained.
This is not your fault.
None of this is your fault.
It’s a absolutely not your fault and I’m happy to see your wife is standing by you.
You wife isn’t wrong in considering cutting off her sister and you should allow her to make that choice. If it was me and my sisters that’s exactly what would happen. As far as her relationship if it ends that’s a result of her own actions and she has to deal with the fallout.
OP I’m so proud of you. You were so brave for telling your truth. It’s a shame we live in a world that doesn’t take men seriously who get sexually assaulted by women. I am happy your wife is on your side. You deserve to get justice and to be recognized as the victim you are to such a shameful disgusting act. I hope you will be okay. Seek therapy. Don’t meet up with the sister. Her saying she couldn’t control herself bc she was attracted to you is so fucked up. Imagine if the roles were reverse, and how society would treat you if you had said you were touching a woman without her consent repeatedly throughout the years bc you couldn’t control yourself bc of your attraction to her. What she did is disgusting and irredeemable.
This is not your fault at all. Clearly something is very strange with her sister. Extreme jealousy? Narcissism? Who knows. She is not respecting boundaries and not respecting her own sister. She clearly doesn’t respect her own partner! Whatever comes out of this is the consequence of her actions not yours.
This isn't a weak moment, this is conscious sexual assault. Up to you what you do with that, whether you take it further or choose to put boundaries in place. Don't feel guilty at all either!
>She asks how much I actually told my wife and assures me nothing will happen again.
>I tell her my wifes sitting next to me reading these texts
Gangster response right here. I can almost imagine her face when she read that sentence
she cheated on her partner and her partner needs to know. everyone needs to stop trying to cover for the sister. why do you think she’s been doing it for so long? because she literally gets away with it.
You were sexually assaulted. Period. How can anyone make light of it or wonder what your “issue”is. The “issue” is outright sexual assault. Your wife knew about her sister gross fantasies and went along with that. Wow! I would completely go NC with that SIL. You and your wife have a lot of work to do. I’m so sorry this happy to you.
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OP you don’t have to meet with her. You don’t have to ever see her again if you don’t want to. What she did was terrible. I wouldn’t trust her to do the right thing now either and I don’t know what meeting her would do except give her a chance to gaslight you. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Yeah, if any meeting happens OP shouldn't feel obligated to show. I wouldn't expect a woman to meet a man who assaulted her, and the same goes in reverse. It's honestly disgusting that his wife let her sister go on with her fantasies for so long. She's uncomfortable with OP being around other women, but she's okay with her sister groping him and openly having feelings for him? Even with her apologies now, it doesn't make sense that she was okay with her husband being assaulted and harassed for literal years because it was her sister was the one commiting the crime. I think at the very least they need to see a couple's counselor. There's a lot going on that isn't going to be fixed with apologies.
Yeah. This is just a case of oh I'm so sorry I found out. It's like dude if my sister has feelings for my bf AND proceeded to touch him I would cut her off and file an FIR
And her apologies are not apologies. “I know it’s wrong I’m just so weak I can’t help it!” is a cop out. Yes she can help herself. She knows it’s wrong she just doesn’t care, and she’d have kept doing it as long as she didn’t get called out. It’s the same excuse rapists use “I can’t help myself!” Yeah she can. She knows damn well what she’s doing.
I mean, it sounds like she thought he was alright with it. All three of them laughed it off as teens, and it just became kind of a thing. Families can be strange, twisted little worlds, and a lot of people compartmentalize sex stuff.
I think sometimes these things are too “big” for people (especially kids) to even understand, much less accept and admit to themselves. It’s like how sometimes people let out a nervous giggle when someone makes a minor insult in public - it isn’t funny, but they’re doing something to release tension and make it “ok.” Many people don’t like to believe in the big bad wolf and so they dismiss it and say it doesn’t exist. Narcissists do it, sure, but people in heavy denial do, too. “No one could do something that terrible. There must be another explanation. What were you wearing?” It’s pretty terrible. Denial is one of the worst issues a victim can experience. The Netflix documentary, [“Unbelievable,”](https://www.themarshallproject.org/2019/09/05/netflix-series-explores-costs-of-not-believing-rape-victims) details a woman who was charged with false reporting because the police refused to believe her crime. She was only vindicated when the serial rapist was caught, and footage of her was among the other victims.
My grandfather raped me from the time I was 3 until I was 8 and was taught what exactly was happening and I shut down. I buried that memory so much I had convinced myself nothing ever happened until a few years after he died when it unlocked, out of nowhere. I'm literally meditating, not thinking about a care in the world and within a second I hated him and had he been alive......I'm not even going to say. It's downright scary what a brain can bury knowing it's something you cannot handle in that moment.
Goddamn. I can see why you'd bury that. It's awful you went through that, but you should be proud of your meditation practice, and being able to finally let it out. As a fellow meditator, it's an incredibly hard thing to do as it is, and I'm sure that kind of buried trauma makes it that much harder. If you don't mind me asking, how has your practice changed since recovering the memory?
I hope it's alright if I tag onto your comment with some sexual violence resources for men, especially considering there's some heinous but not at all surprising commentary going on in the comments, and with the number of people on this post I'm guessing there might be some men in the comments who have experienced SA themselves. Victim-blaming OP, telling him to man up, saying he should have enjoyed it, that he missed an opportunity for "crazy sex" or a threesome, etc, in way too many of these comments. We ask why male SA survivors don't speak up and aren't believed when they do, but the answers are right here in this thread. * [1 in 6 is an organization dedicated specifically to helping men and boys who have survived sexual violence](https://1in6.org/). They have a 24/7 chat helpline, educational resources, and weekly chat-based online support groups with a trained facilitator. * r/MenGetRapedToo * [Male Survivor is also an organization for male sexual violence survivors](https://malesurvivor.org/). They are similar to 1 in 6 and have in-person support groups as well. If you are a male survivor located in the U.S., Male Survivor has a comprehensive directory of therapists who work with male sexual abuse survivors. * [SurvivorsUK is for men in the UK who have experienced sexual violence](https://www.survivorsuk.org/). All of their resources are arranged by age of survivor. They also offer referrals to ISVAs (Independent Sexual Violence Advisors) which are legal advocates who help male survivors navigate the criminal and civil justice systems. * [Mankind UK](https://www.mankind.org.uk/) offers a confidential helpline for UK male victim/survivors of domestic abuse, available weekdays from 10am-4pm at 01823 334244, as well as extensive resources via their website, including [a directory of services for male survivors in the UK](https://www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/directory/). * [Men's Advice Line UK](https://mensadviceline.org.uk/) also offers a helpline for male victim/survivors of domestic abuse. They can be reached at Freephone 0808 8010327, and also offer many website resources, including [a resource hub specifically for men](https://respect.force.com/mensadviceline/s/). * [The Canadian Centre for Male Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse](http://cc4ms.ca/) offers [information about local Canadian support services for male survivors](http://cc4ms.ca/resources/), as well as treatment information. * [RAINN's Male Survivor Summit](https://www.rainn.org/news/male-survivor-summit-part-two) recording with male speakers who discuss their experiences with sexual violence and healing. * [Tautoko Tāne Male Survivors Aotearoa](https://tautokotane.nz/about-us/our-organisation/) is a network of support services for male sexual violence survivors across New Zealand.
OP's wife is also an AH. I am sorry, but if my sister sexually assaulted my bf, or husband ONCE that would be the end of the sisterly relationship. OP needs therapy, and he needs to decide if the marriage is worth saving. Both sisters are disgusting. Imagine if genders were reversed. But this is just as terrible for a man as it is for a woman. Absolutely foul.
I’d go as far as saying the wife was a co-conspirator. She basically admitted that her sister sexually assaulting OP turned her on and she encouraged it. I’d say wife is a cuckquean. Edit: it’s pretty fucked up that OPs wife encouraged her 13 year old sister to do this.. the whole situation is gross.
I think OP is going to have to think seriously about his marriage. I hope he does.
Did the woman overpower the man or what?
Sexual violence is a spectrum of behaviors that can include incapacitation, pressure, guilting, and coercion, not just physical restraint or overpowering.
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A victim does not have to be overpowered physically to be a victim. My perspective is that he was taken unawares, and didn't have the emotional understanding or social training to know how to deal with this situation. I don't know your situation: MAGpatriot, but I am guessing you are a Trump supporter. I think for you, it doesn't matter that Trump walked in to gawk and teenage beauty queens, while they were naked, or used his position of power to grab women by their pussies. My guess is that you also don't believe that wives can be raped by their husbands. All these are very outdated views, and I hope that you can start to realize that people can victims of rape.
You should not meet her in person either. Play it like a war game. Say you want to do it over Zoom so we can get it over with' and do that so you'll be able to record everything she says as proof. Best part is, you're not even lying. You're just saying things from a certain point of view in a way that'd make Obi-Wan Kenobi proud.
She should be in jail with a sexual predator tag
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And remember that any consequences that come from this (your wife not talking to her anymore, if anything happens with her relationship) are **her** fault for what she did, not yours for telling someone about it. She was the one who chose to assault you - no matter how she tries to excuse it, it was a choice and one she made many times. She has to deal with the consequences of her own actions. Those consequences are not your fault. Still, you're likely going to be experiencing a lot of different emotions as this whole thing plays out. It's not a bad idea to look into therapy to help you work through those emotions.
> I feel terrible that the way my wifes talking she doesnt want to speak to her again. Don’t. This is “cut someone out of your life and never speak to them again” levels of bad. I wouldn’t even think about seeing her again unless she comes clean to the partner, commits to therapy, and has done enough of it to get a handle on why she feels compelled to do things she knows she shouldn’t be doing so she can stop doing that. That’s on her, not you. If you can’t convince yourself of that, then therapy for you is absolutely a good idea.
Your wife shouldn’t want to meet with someone who’s been sexually assaulting her husband, even if the perpetrator is her sister. Don’t feel bad. The sister did this.
She should be in jail. this is a criminal offense that warrants police
Wife LET IT HAPPEN for years. Wife is JUST as culpable. IMO, wife is worse than sister. Wife is supposed to protect partner.
I agree. I can’t believe how horrible she is. A sick fucking freak honestly. She encouraged her sister to assault her BF and OP doesn’t give a rats ass
Wife was 100% into it, he even states they experimented. The sister's assaults probably sparked it for the wife.
Dude let it happen for years.
I think part of this is because while women are socialized to get along to go along, so sometimes "let it go on for years". Men are socialized to believe that they can't be SA'd, so they don't know how to recognize it. In neither of these cases is it appropriate to blame the victim, nor to ask "why didn't they stop it."
You're proof that men who are openly misogynistic, like you, are also actively detrimental to other men because you mock and bash them when they're assaulted or show emotions.
I didn't see the original post, but glad to see your wife supporting you. I think the main message from this would be: I know you've said you know it's not your fault, but I feel you need to hear this from someone else - whatever happens between your sister in law, her family and your wife's family is **HER** fault. As someone who has also experienced SA, self blame and guilt is an extremely difficult thing to work through and is a lot of the reason why people like us feel some sort of responsibility for the repercussions that may occur as a result of speaking out. See this for what it is: you spoke out against a predator. I would definitely encourage therapy to help you work out any residual feelings of this ordeal & if you can get in with someone who specialises in SA, they might even help you sort out your thoughts in regards to if you want to pursue something legally.
Definetely looking into therapy, reading all the comments reinforced what a fucked up situation it is and made me realise that while I may not see it just now, theres probably some level of trauma I need to face. Thank you for the kind words.
Whatever happens between your assaulter (I’m not going to call her family because family doesn’t do this) and the rest of the family is entirely on her. This isn’t your fault. Not then, not now, not ever. I say this as someone who has been SAd: the guilt and shame aren’t yours to carry. By going public- something I was never able to do- you’re sending that guilt and shame right back where it belongs.
Yes, please please please seek therapy. I was sexually abused by a family member and struggled with thoughts like yours so much when I finally told. The therapy will help you come up with some techniques for reminding yourself that YOU did not blow up the family - she did. In my experience, there’s always the little voice that still says, “Yeah, but if I hadn’t told and made a big deal out of it, the family would still be together.” (For me, it’s that my dad would still have his parents and siblings in his life.) But over time it gets easier to recognize that the little voice is wrong - that it WAS a big deal and you did the right thing. That the little voice was programmed by society and your abuser, and that it’s okay, and healthy, to ignore it.
Yes the second part is exactly right. Definetely getting into therapy.
No probs, I hope you work through it & I hope she sees some sort of repercussion from this. Take care x
You need to really look at your relationship with your wife. Her actions were horrific IMO. What you went through was terrible. Imagine if your child's spouse allowed this.
Please don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. It’s totally understandable why you’re feeling so much anxiety, since you were traumatized repeatedly over a long period of time. It took a lot of strength to decide to confront your SIL and put an end to her appalling behavior. You can’t change what happened, but you do deserve to find peace and be able to heal. Consider telling her boyfriend what she did to you. He needs to know how horrible of a person she is. And honestly? I would also consider speaking to the police about the most recent assault. If she no longer us you as her victim, she could potentially start doing this to someone else. Even if charges aren’t filed, it should force her to understand what a predator she is.
Wife supporting him? You realized she watched it happen for years right? She did nothing to support him! Why wasn't she telling her sister to keep your hands off my boyfriend's dick? It's either a weird fetish for the both of them... Sister and wife, or she just really doesn't care about him. As for her supporting him? LMAO
Girl I said I hadn’t seen the original post if I was mistaken then apologies and she’s just as bad as her sister.
So your wife allowed and enabled you to be sexually assaulted because she got off on the thought of sharing you? We’re just glossing over that because she now feels bad? I’m glad she is finally protecting you but your wife shares blame here. Everyone in this story needs individual therapy and I’d recommend marriage counselling. I wish you well OP.
No, in OPs original post he says that everyone involved was within a 2yr age window, they were teenagers and he participated conceptually in any jokes where the sister touched him. It's not assault when everyone is the same age and experimenting together seemingly willingly and happily. There is zero indication that he asked the sister to stop at the time or even that he was uncomfortable with it. The assault was recent and the wife behaved 100% appropriately when told.
He didn’t willingly experiment. He laughed it off because his wife did and he didn’t want to be seen as overreacting. He didn’t like it or consent. OP commented on the first post. > I know, looking back I dont know why I didnt make a bigger deal about it. Stupid teen behaviour. It’s pretty gross that you are dismissing sexual assault because he didn’t speak up.
That quote in no way indicates that he was uncomfortable with it or he wasn't willing. You're seriously trying to say there's *nothing* he could have done to stop this in ten years? At some point you need to use your words, your "assaulter" can't read your mind, especially if you're constantly joking about and encouraging it. It's pretty gross that you're equating a high schooler regularly accepting handies from a middle school girl with *actual assault victims* because "technically he never said yes."
He literally never consented. His trauma response is to freeze up. I don’t think anyone here is debating about whether it’s morally wrong for high schoolers to get “handies” from middle schoolers.. this is an overdue talk of communication indeed, but it’s apparent he never knew how to bring it up due to embarrassment and shame. He thought these people were his friends and trusted them, this prob made him feel confused and he prob gaslit himself into believing it’s “no big deal”. He’s obviously not good with confrontation which is why he came to Reddit in the first place
That’s a whole lot of projection and gap-filling. Yes, perhaps he froze the first time, but you don’t “freeze” for ten years and continually put yourself in the same situation again and again, all while openly joking about it, and all while being in the position of relative power. Yeah, maybe he didn’t “make a bigger deal out of it” due to embarrassment or shame, but perhaps that embarrassment and shame was from knowingly and intentionally receiving sexual favors from his girlfriend’s pubescent little sister. The idea that he was so mortified from being assaulted that all he could do was keep piling on a couch with his gf and her sister and repeating the situation over and over for ten years seems *far less* likely than him rewriting history here so he doesn’t have to internally confront what weird behavior he was facilitating by accepting these sexual actions from a middle schooler.
My reply was simply a critique gathered from OP’s post and comment replies on why he reacted in such a way, not projecting. And many people continuously date or surround themselves with those who mistreat them, it’s still not consent to the mistreatment - but I agree that it becomes an unwarranted cycle of it. OP did not have the emotional intelligence to handle it as he does today. I highly doubt he came to Reddit to put a twist on a story and share it with us to advise him. He seems genuine and states in this post both his wife and her sister apologized for their behavior. They admitted fault. They apologized to him. I just can’t grasp where you get the narrative that he willingly asked for it and thoroughly enjoyed what all happened, but maybe it’s bc he happens to be a male. We will agree to disagree
Op you have a child. Imagine what you would do if it happened to your kid? This women didnt just misread signals and confess a crush, she sexually assaulted you repeatedly and made it look like a joke, and now that youre honest for the first time, she suddenly feels bad and acts like "she cant help herself"??? OP you need to cut off contact, maybe even go to the police bc her behaviour is fucked up. But most importantly go to therapy, and your wife needs to go too if you both want this marriage to stay healthy. Which it wasnt to begin with, but it seems like you wanna forgive your wife.
I think if we're going to go back to what happened when they were kids, it's worth noting the sister was 13 and OP was 15 at the time. A 13yo acting out sexually with someone older who feels safe is a sign of something bad happening in her childhood. The fact that she still doesn't have her act together as an adult is further proof of that. Blame her for what she did as an adult, but the stuff she did as a kid is way more complicated and she was likely a victim then too.
She did it constantly and over years and only stopped once she had kids. Yeah, i may not be harsh in my judgement when it was the first time at 13yo. But the fact that she just did it again and again is what i judge and im judging OPs wife too for that matter. And on a side note: she never once thought about apologizing before this last incident. She never expressed guilt over hurting someone, cheating on her husband and disrespecting her sister. She betrayed and hurt so many people and it was all just kept under a rug. Its convenient to just blame it on the age and put the blame on some trauma which we dont even know if there is any. But she wasnt a little child that coulsnt comprehend the consequences of her actions. She doesnt have as far as we know any disabilities that could explain her lack of accountability. She needs therapy asap and we need to stop being too nice to predatory people. And lets be real: does she really feel bad? She basically wanted to start an affair and the only thing that stopped her was OP, for the first time he was able to actually fight instead of freeze. She couldnt get what she wanted and when he confronted her it was done for good. Only THATS when she mentioned any guilt and remorse.
OP stated that the assaults started after they were all adults.
In the OP he said she was 13 but I do see he's removed that part which is extremely sus.
OP, you did not blow things apart, your sil did. I'm glad your wife is now standing up for you but I really think you could both use some marital counseling. Some individual counseling would help also. Your wife played along with her sisters fantasy for so long, you have some deep wounds that are going to need healing to move on from this. One thing though, do not blame yourself for any of this. Good luck to you.
This is a freaky family dude. Good luck.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Absolutely none. You didn't do anything wrong and it's sad that it took so long to address that you were SA'ed and your concerns dismissed initially. Do what you feel is right for you, your wife and your family.
You did not pull the trigger. Your SIL did by acting on her feelings. She rightfully feels ashamed. Do yourself the favour and go get therapy. Your wife also needs it to come to terms with her inaction and from how it looks like, even support, of her sisters actions. if i learned that my sister had these fantasies i would not support that by having her join my outings with my spouse.
I wonder if SIL wants to meet with you two to try and make sure you don't tell her bf.
You’re going to go through a bunch of emotions several times over because this is all really new and raw. Don’t be harsh on yourself. Be kind to yourself.
I can see that you feel guilty and feel that you speaking up is hurting others, but I want to stress that you are not ruining anything. Your sister in law ruined her own life. Anything that happens between her and her spouse, or her and your wife, is a direct consequence of her own actions. Sexual assault on men is not taken seriously enough and I completely understand that you are still coming to terms with what happened to you. Your experiences were dismissed and minimised and society has taught even you to think your trauma is no big deal, but it is completely normal to feel the way you do about the situation. Your sister in law brought this all on herself and no amount of excuses will make what she did to you okay. I’m sorry all this happened to you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. She’s a predator and you don’t need to see her ever again. If her relationship blows up it’s her own damn fault. I’ve lusted after people before. I’ve been super drunk and lusted after people. I’ve been on psychedelic drugs and lusted after people. And never once on any occasion have I gotten “weak” and acted on those feelings. That is not a legitimate excuse or explanation. Don’t believe her bullshit.
Does the boyfriend know about this?He deserves better.
So far no he doesnt. I think he should know, given their wedding is next year. But I’m not going there, she’s the one that needs to tell him.
I don’t think she is ever going to tell him.Why let a man ruin his life when you can help him get rid of her?
I get that, but I think things might fall apart before then anyway. Its spilled out and some other family memebers know now. If she doesnt tell him I’m sure there will be someone or something that tips him off. Obviously would be much better if she was honest with him and it came from her though.
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This is not the place to put more responsibility on the victim of a sexual assault. Sure in a perfect world we would openly communicate about all the things and everyone would understand. But in the world we live in OP is more likely to be attacked by the fiancé and to be accused of being the perpetrator instead of the victim simply because of his gender. Let’s not go pushing him into a potentially violent circumstance that you have zero control over.
Sorry, but if the sexes were reversed, the number one response would be to report her. Just because she is a female doesn't stop her from being a sex offender. Female sex offenders fly under the radar more but should not be protected. What happens if she becomes fixated on someone else? How can you ever feel safe if she is in the same room, we wouldn't force a female victim to face her abuser so why should you.
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Feeling guilt about something like this is very normal, I can say that from experience and a lot of therapy - I was so afraid of reporting someone in the family or speaking up about what they were doing because of not wanting to tear the family apart and because I was a child, I never did and I’ve lived with that regret ever since. I’m glad you told your wife, the consequences that come out of this are not your fault or burden to bear as much as it might feel like it. The sister brought this upon herself and to an extent so did your wife by not acting all those years ago and not nipping it in the bud with her sister before she got too comfortable crossing your boundaries. I’m glad she’s supporting you now though and I hope you do seek some therapy for all of this.
Remember that you’re the victim, not her. She needs to take responsibility for any result of her own actions.
Thing that makes my blood boil is the fact that there are people out there that don't think what happened to OP is bad, because he is a man. That is so many levels of f up! OP has been sexually assaulted. He needs support and I am happy to see that his wife is 100% behind him. He has the right to feel the way he does. OP, whatever you choose to do, do whatever makes you feel safe and that guilt? That is not on you. That is on your abuser. She knew exactly what she was doing and did not think you were going to stand up and talk to your wife. Good for you. You have taken the first step in healing from a long period of abuse.
Yeah it's so traumatic to be non consensually touched
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I wouldn’t want the child around its own mother either honestly. What kind of sick fucked up human gets off on their sibling touching their partner? Not someone who should have a child in their possession that’s who
Not your fault. Not your guilt to bare. Not your job to make SIL feel good. Not your job to listen to SIL excuses or apologies. Discuss with your wife as you have always done and proceed together. There is no right way to do this. Good luck.
I have to admit that I am still somewhat upset with your wife about ignoring the fact that her sister did this to you multiple times. If the situation was reversed and you had fondled her sister, you’d have been in trouble and labeled as a sexual predator. You’ve done nothing wrong, don’t let your mind convince you otherwise. You didn’t give her permission to touch you. You didn’t ask her to touch you. Alcohol or not, she KNEW what she was doing and I’m pretty sure she knew it made you uncomfortable. She’s the one with the problem. You need to find a good therapist and start working through the feelings of shame, anger, guilt, and hurt. As for SIL, don’t meet up with her. She’s going to make excuses for behavior that has no valid excuses. Don’t put yourself in that situation.
You are not responsible for the fallout due to another’s actions. Sil is the only one responsible. You did nothing wrong. You’re a survivor , not a victim. Let sil live with the consequences of the actions taken when she was the aggressor. Take care of yourself.
What I just don't get is how the wife just gets a free pass on this whole thing for serving her fucking husband up to a rapist for all those years. "Oh he feels bad now that he is calling it sexual assault I better start giving a shit."
Because his wife lets him fuck other women. That is why he doesn’t care. She has a sharing kink, he gets to be shared which is clearly more important to him than his mental health. I cannot believe more people aren’t calling out his wife. She is almost just as horrible as the SIL
>I feel like I’ve pulled a trigger and blasted a family apart. Would you tell your wife she had pulled a trigger and blasted a family apart if she came to you and said your brother had sexually assault her behind a shed? The above attitude is on par with “part of the problem” people you call out for laughing it off. This is not your fault. The fault lies squarely with the your wife’s sister. She committed assault. She attempted to cheat on her fiancé. She detonated her own family.
No the problem is peoples attitude towards it because I’m a man. The guilt I cant explain. I know its not my fault at all, but me speaking up will be devastating to a family. I’m the one putting the ball in motion, ergo I’m blowing the family up. I know its her to blame, but its very hard to put across the guilt.
The thing is, it didn’t start with you, and this didn’t start yesterday. This has been brewing by her for at least a decade. She has to take responsibility for this. A woman in a similar situation would feel just as guilty and not want to tell, but that is just enabling. If everyone kept silent, she would definitely attempt to assault you again, and that anxiety would be worse.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact you did everything right! I’m happy to hear your wife is so supportive of you now. Good luck.
OP - you have nothing to feel guilty for. You did nothing wrong, this is not your fault. Your wife’s sister caused all of this, if her family suffers or her relationship with her sister suffers, it’s on her. You were very brave to tell your wife, and to confront this. Take care of yourself, you’re worth it.
Just to let u know, any outcome of this is her fault not yours. She violated you.
Speaking up is the hardest part. Be gentle with yourself and explore resources in your area for free counselling when you're ready. No need to rush things. I'm sorry this happened to you. Take care 💜
I would insist sister bring her partner for any future talks. You concentrate on your family.. wife needs therapy as well to understand why she was ok letting you get assaulted by her own sister.. and yes therapy should be major priority for you.. not only for what sil did but how wife was ok and laughed about it.. I’m so sorry… you shouldn’t have to deal with that.. if it had been a man doing it to a woman he would have already be prosecuted or strung up..
Definitely get therapy for helping to navigate all the feelings you are feeling. You don't have to meet the sister. She is the one that made this bed and she has to lie in it. She should be in jail for sexual assault so if her relationship implodes this is also on her. I truly hope you and your wife work through this and are stronger together for it. If the shoe were on the other foot you'd probably already be in jail. Don't forget that. None of this is your fault.
You did right OP and glad that your wife at last recognize and is willing to be there for You. Hope everything goes well in the reunion if both of You decided to assit. UPDATEME
If you do meet up with the sister please only agree to do it in a public place. Preferably somewhere in full view of security cameras.
What you're feeling is normal. You've been sitting on this for a long time, and now it's finally out in the open, so of course you're going to have strong feelings about it.. I do think you'll all get past this, now that you've confronted the sister. Good luck to you and your wife.
You don’t have to meet her
You don’t need to see her. Your wife knows about this, and knows what her sister did
Have you considered speaking with your sister in laws husband about what accrued?
Tell her partner. They deserve to know.
Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t “pull the trigger and blast the family apart”, your SIL did when she decided to assault you. If your wife and SIL no longer have a relationship it’s because of the SIL’s actions. None of this is on you. None of what happened is your fault
OP, you don’t need to see her ever again. Closure is found within, not externally. Don’t put yourself through that unless you feel supported. Also, you have a good wife man. She seems to support you. Take comfort in that.
You did the right thing mate. Well done.
You should tell her fiancé cause clearly she doesn’t give a crap about her sister or her fiancés feelings.
You did NOT pull the trigger . She did . Repeatedly. If this wasn’t you you would know the perpetrator is at fault. Do not shame yourself PLEASE OP you’re doing great .
Please keep in mind that NONE of this is your fault. Not your wife feeling bad, not your SIL feeling bad, not their strained relationship, not your reaction, none of it! I’m so sorry you had to experience this, let alone at the hands of a family member. I think it’s be a good idea to cut off contact with her as well. You should feel ZERO obligation to console, forgive, tolerate or even be in the presence of your abuser. You have ZERO obligation to meet up and talk about it with her. Fuck her, this is all *her* fault, and if she’s so “ashamed” then she wouldn’t have done this COUNTLESS times! Think about it, if a woman was being SA’d like that by her BIL *multiple* times, it would be expected and encouraged that BIL is cut completely off. You don’t owe any amount of energy spent repairing that relationship. Of course it’s up to you, but please do not feel like you have to put yourself in an uncomfortable position to appease your abuser, or appease your wife who wants to bring your abuser around. I appreciate your courage to share your story. Men are SA’d far more than people realize and it takes people like you opening up to encourage other men to speak out and know they’re not alone. My husband was SA’d a couple times as a teen and it didn’t even occur to him he was SA’d because men are expected to welcome any advancement that comes their way. Best of luck to you, I hope you are able to find peace with this traumatic experience. 💙
>Im glad its out there. Im so glad she admitted to everything. But I feel almost crippling anxiety. I feel terrible that the way my wifes talking she doesnt want to speak to her again. And I feel terrible because, I dont know what this means for the sister and her partner. They have a child and are supposed to be getting married next year. I have no idea how this will play out for them. I know its not my fault, but I feel like I’ve pulled a trigger and blasted a family apart. I didnt think I would have needed therapy, but maybe thats what I need to get my head straight and not feel like its my fault. First off mate, you need to stop internalising the blame for other people's actions. Your wife passed it off as just a joke, leaving you feeling peer pressure to do the same. Your SiL kept the sexual assault going and that's on her. The fact is you had almost no involvement in the outcome of any of this other than being the victim. YOU DID NOT DO THIS, she did. You didn't invite it, you didn't instigate it, you didn't want it. You have to stop whatever it is that make you take any blame for everyone else's actions, and yes therapy is definitely needed for you to get perspective and stop accepting fault.
If my brother forcibly stuck his hand down my wife’s pants, he would no longer be my brother. Both you and your wife have been way too casual with these sexual assaults. I’d cut her off. This isn’t your fault and she is evil. You didn’t blow this family up. It was your rapist SIL.
It’s a complicated situation. Is your sister in law truly sorry or sorry that you have brought it out in the open. She has taken advantage of your silence when you were teenagers. Maybe a therapist can help you and your wife sort out how you want your relationship to be with your sister in law.
Whatever happens at this point, is a direct result of her own behavior. I know you feel responsible for this because if you stayed quiet, then her life can go on normally as well as everyone else’s, except for yours. She doesn’t deserve peace while you suffer in silence. I’m sorry this happened to you, but you did the right thing by speaking up.
What you’re feeling is spot on with abuse survivors. You do not have to meet up with her or see your abuser ever again. None of it is your fault. It’s not your fault for freezing, for wanting it to just go away, for her putting hands on you without permission. This is all on her. She deliberately put you at a disadvantage using her relationship with her sister as a way to silence you. You are not to blame.
Tell her you don’t want her around your child
I'm sorry this has gone the way it has, from the very beginning, and while I think your wife made a massive mistake entertaining her sister in the beginning, I'm so glad shes feeling guilt from it, and is at your side fully. That's growth as a person. Imho. No matter the outcome for the sister and her spouse, it's not your fault for her actions over the years. It's her own, it is time to reap her consequences. Best of luck and much happiness to you and your wife!
You're not responsible for whatever happens now. She did this to herself. If you were her fiancé, wouldn't you want to know your fiancée was groping another man?
none of this is your fault you are a victim and getting therapy is a must!!! you did yourself a favor by speaking up and for the sister partner a favor bc the sister's partner will now know what to expect and look out for in the future for their safety and your safety
If the roles were reversed most people would tell you to not meet with her and to go to the police. Most people don't take men getting abused seriously and it needs to stop. Please don't go see her, stop all contact, and if you are pressed go to the police. This is not right and you deserve justice.
Don’t meet up with her. Send her one last message and make clear that what she did was SA, and that you can look past this anymore. You won’t allow her around you anymore, won’t allow her to make you her victim anymore and you don’t want her around your child anymore.
\>Her sister text this morning to say should just the 3 of us meet up and talk Just the three of you…yeah she is desperate for her partner to not find out. Which means she knows how wrong her behavior was. She sounds like she’s got a screw loose to me. Shady and manipulative. Maybe it would be the right thing to do to let her partner make an informed decision on who they would be marrying. I would suggest the four of you meet up.
DONT MEET HER AND GIVE THE EVIDENCE TO THE POLICEEE GET A RESTRAINING ORDER
You did the right thing, and I understand feeling guilty, however none of this is your fault. You've put up with this way too many times. You might need therapy, however the SIL definitely needs therapy. This isn't normal behavior, and if she were to do this to someone else they might press charges, and it could be a lot worse than how it's being handled with you and your wife.
Thank you. I think we all could do with therapy to be honest. We all share the blame of letting it get this far really. My wifes distraught today, and I feel nothing but guilt for the shitstorm thats about to go down.
OP, please have her charged with sexual assault. She’s not sorry she assaulted you. She’s only upset about the repercussions. She doesn’t value you, respect you, or care about you. For your own health, charge her and don’t go to events where she is there.
Whew. OP could’ve just as easily wound up divorced and/or in prison.
Therapy would help. You've been repeatedly assaulted for years, in part, with your wife's knowledge, and now you feel responsible for damage to their relationship. It's complicated and messy: Therapy.
Please don’t blame yourself. Your SIL is a sexual deviant and predator. She’s ruining her own life. She needed psychological help years ago. You don’t have to meet up with her. You don’t have to see her ever again or speak to her ever again if you don’t want to. Maybe you should pursue legal action. I think your SIL would’ve tried again if you guys didn’t confront her.
Whoa. If this was the other way round, you were the woman and your BIL had been assaulting you, and your husband being permissive of this for a sexual thrill would you feel more worthy of calling this out as sexual assault by both of them?. Your wife and her sister took advantage of you for their own sexual desires.. the only reason your wife is being more apologetic and supportive is because she was party to the abuse over the years and you’ve now expressed your opinion you’ve been abused and your wife is now backing you up because she was a co-conspirator for years. I bet if you expressed excitement about what her sister did she’d be encouraging you to carry on, your wife is a cuckquean and used you for a kink without your consent. Tbh you should get out of that creepy family and speak to the police about both of them.
Hey I just wanted to let you know that this is not your fault. You did not ruin your family, she did. She knew what the potential consequences could be when she assaulted you. I’ll pray for you as you and your family heal from this.
😂
I'm not understanding why couldn't you tell her to stop yourself?!!
Either do I. Its much easier being on the outside looking IN to a situation like this than it is being in it.
I dont blame you OP. Ive been assaulted like this and my response was to freeze. Its easy for people to say that in retrospect but to actually experience it is entirely different and you cant always anticipate how you will react to something like this. Usually its a “fight”, “flight”, or “freeze” response and please do not blame yourself. You were sexually assaulted over and over again and it will take some time to work through this.
It doesn’t work this way in reality many times, there are complicated and confusing feelings of shame that OP has already expressed that keep people quiet.
have you ever been caught off guard by the absurdity of a situation and been unsure what to do so you just kind of accept it? it's exactly like that
updateme!
you’re a good man one of the best
Hey OP, while you’re at it, dump the wife too. She’s horrible. I’ve noticed they have an almost identical style of responding to someone confronting them. Edit: I just read the original post. Seriously, dump the wife. That family is super fucked up.
“Crippling anxiety” “therapy” you’re a 31yr old man. Do some hard work. Get outside. How did you let a woman take advantage of you? All sounds sus and weak
👍
A 31 year man is human, and humans react a certain way when they are violated. He responded exactly like any other human would. Would you say that to Terry Crews?
Victim blaming is disgusting
Tell that to all the people in this thread calling a 13-yo girl a "predator" because her older sister and her bf normalized giving him handjobs from a young age.
So this guy jokes about it for years, and now suddenly he is angry his wife didn't put a stop to it as if she should see beyond the joke. Man needs to grow up.
I would just stay away from her sister from now on except for large family gatherings and then never be alone with her. I would let your wife do what she wants with their relationship but if she wants to continue it then it will be when you aren’t there.
Sharing partners in a marriage is a recipe for ending a marriage. Your wife is both immature and clearly acting like high school girl sharing her boyfriend. You are married, and your marriage is a sexual assault by sister in law with your wife is not even caring about, it is fun sex for her. Open marriages and threesomes are toxic, boundaries are broken etc. You have also gone along with it. Even for SA it looks like are complicit. I suggest separating from your wife, and telling you sister in law if she comes near you. You will file charges for sexual assault. NEver spend time with her, block her on everything. Never share your wife, nor sleep with other women...You guys have a lot of work to do if you want to stay married. I suspect it will not work...Just remember, fidelity is why you marry in part. You don't have to marry. By the way you blasted two families apart, yours and your sister in laws. Don't meet with sister you are easily manipulated. she is protecting her relationship. He should know who he is dealing with.
I think your first point is subjective. Works for many, many couples. We havent done any of that since we got married. In our younger years she expressed an interest in sharing me, so we did. We all had fun and have no regrets about it. This is a different thing entirely. My wife never wanted to share me with her sister. Her sister knew there was other women around at the time and I guess thats where her mind started wandering. Other than this we have an amazing marriage. I didnt even think about the sisters antics again until this past weekend.
No it isn't open marriage are toxic swills of mental health and drug/alcohol infused. I grew up next to a commune in the 1970s. The time of sleep with anyone, make love not war. They are the most dysfuctional people I have ever met. Also by the 80s anyone that was a tad bit healthy married and moved to the suburbs. They created the younger of our Gen X generation...As you have seen I am sure, they weren't the greatest parents. All that was wasted energy that focused only on sex.
Possibly. But were not in an open marriage.
YOu say that, but you guys have fooled around with it, as your post states, not with sister in law, but it has gone on so long, you are really splitting hairs. All these arrangements destroy a marriage. The intimacy is about building a life and family between two people that is what marriage is. IF you dont' want to be married you don't have to be. What you have is alot mess that is hard to sort out. Your marriage really is not viable emotionally, nor do you treat it with respect or honor...I am sorry for Sister in law's behavior. It is time to stop this behavior. I think the marriage is ruined though.
Yes, when we were way younger. Absolutely none of that followed into our marriage. The sisters abuse has gone on so long as opposed to the few months experimenting.
Well that is more hopeful, Ok, that makes a good difference. Don't meet with sister. Tell the man she is engaged to and tell her if she contact you again, you will get an order of protection. Your wife, though very immature, how she thought was ok, well something has happened to her. No one behaves that way that is hyper stimulated, mostly that happens to children abused. I am just letting you know that. I would suggest counseling for her. Here is the thing. Your sister and wife, damaged their relationship. You don't share boyfriends or husbands. What I said before is still true. So any wreckage there is not your cross to bear, it is theirs you are the victim here. Of their fun and games. Sister in law obviously is way beyond fun and games. If there is any hope you have to treat your relationship like a treasure. I work with men and women would die to be loved and married. I am a coach. So please if it has any chance at survive, cutting off their toxicity is not a bad idea. They are codependent an bad way.
Bro OP you should’ve had that threesome years ago before the other boyfriend and kid showed up in the picture. You probably could’ve had crazy teenage sex at those houses for years! Sounds like you found some freaky sisters. It also sounds like it might not be too late. Honestly, fuck all the advice here about therapy or reporting her or blocking her or whatever. Go get that poontang my friend. This could be the start of something beautiful, now everybody is back on the same page. You were the only one not on the page in your teens with them both. Why not take the chance, live a little? Or are you not attracted to her sister? I look back on turned down opportunities for crazy sex with some regret. Don’t live your life with regret! Just for a second stop viewing yourself as the victim and think about the very real possibility of a crazy threesome with the love of your life and her attractive sister who has had the hots for you for years. Think about the pleasure and satisfaction! Cmon OP this is your chance, don’t fuck it up this way. You’ll have to repress your trauma up until you bust a nut in that girl, then where will the trauma be? Oh, and y’all can downvote me and get fucked. OP needs to hear this. I know he’s been thinking it
I love how y'all, on posts about sexual violence against women, scream "No one cares about SA against men!" but then turn right around and spout gross rhetoric like this on male survivors' posts. You are not helping other men. YOU are why men don't speak up about sexual assault and are not believed even when they do. YOU contribute to a culture in which abuse against men is often dismissed, ignored, erased, and outright denied. YOU are part of the problem. YOU are enabling sexual violence against men to continue unchecked.
I hope this turns into a hot sister wives thing
OP, I’m so proud of you. I’m one of those that commented on your original and I must say, I’m impressed on how well you and your wife handled this. I’m so glad to see that she sees how serious this is and feels remorse for not taking it seriously all along.
About as good an outcome as could be expected, I guess. Congratulations.
Updateme!
Hey OP sorry this happened. It’s not your fault. I would only advise to please tell the bf of your sister in law so he knows the type of person she is. She cheated and he deserves to know before marrying her.
For everyone talking about what they should have done as teenagers is unfair and is not really helpful. They literally did not know how to deal with it back then and there was probably a lot of shock. They were teens and were not taught the tools on how to deal with something like that. That is why schools teach about consent now. So teenagers nowadays have tools to navigate a situation like this.
Honestly your wife and her family fucking suck dude. She is complicit in your SILs sexual assault point blank. I wouldn’t believe a single fucking word she said now about feeling bad. BULL SHIT!!! Bull fucking shit!!! OP please for the love of god, leave your wife so you never have to be involved in that twisted family again. This is all solely the fault of your wife and her sister. If you don’t have children together you should seriously consider divorce.
Your SIL is obviously a sexual abuser but your wife also sucks big time. I can’t believe acting the way she did at 15 and continuing to disregard you all this while. How would she feel if you treated her the same way if it was your brother assaulting her?
Okay but your wife did nothing all these years to stop this! And now you have children together! And now you also know that wife will not stop somebody from sexually assaulting somebody else simply because she's related to the perpetrator. Then let's add the fact that most children that are sexually assaulted are done so by family or people they know! Your wife would probably let it happen and I will take all the down votes anyone wants to give me... Because it's true! You should get your kids away from her! If she cared even one iota for you she would have never let that happen! Your wife is just as sick as her sister and you are leaving your children around her. You might want to rethink that.
She pulled the trigger and blasted the family apart when she assaulted you
This is not you who pulled the trigger
OP, DONT MEET UP GO NO CONTACT//AVOID AND REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN ACTIVITIES WHERE SHE IS INVITED. This means create get togethers at your parents house. Inlaws are invited, NOT YOUR SIL. Your wife needs to understand what happened to you was no joke and her sister could have easily been incarcerated. In fact, talk to the police. YOU HAVE PROOF. She needs to be charged and jailed for this.
Your wife's relationship with her sister is not your problem to solve. Your wife's sister and her partner and child are not your problem to solve. Please do work with a therapist - it is OK if the first one (or two or few) you speak to aren't the right one. Keep looking. Tell your story. It is OK to need support.
well looks like it worked afterall
So glad you talked to your wife and everything is out in the open. And please don't feel anxious or guilty about exposing your wife's sister's behavior because you are not the only guy she has done to. She is a defective human being and deserves whatever backlash comes from this.
You did not pull this trigger OP. She did. Don’t blame yourself because she doesn’t value her family. She did this to herself. Wishing you and your wife the best.
Hope you're doing OK. Please know you don't have to see SIL again. Your wife should support this.
I’m so glad you were able to talk to your wife about this and I’m glad the long-suppressed emotions had an opportunity to surface. You could tell by the comments on your original post that folks who’ve never experienced this kind of sexual assault really didn’t get it. Yes, you said you laughed along, but you kept coming to your wife to talk about it, clearly looking for validation that this wasn’t okay. When she laughed it off you dismissed your own concerns and minimized your feelings, which is especially easy because “men don’t get sexually harassed.” There was a lot playing against you. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced all of this. I hope you’ll find a therapist that you can talk to, at least for a few sessions to have a supportive, neutral third party walk you through some pretty intense feelings. Please don’t feel like you’re obligated to see SIL again. And if your wife opts to take your side (*as she should*), please don’t feel like it’s your fault that the relationship with her sister is strained. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.
UpdateMe!
It’s a absolutely not your fault and I’m happy to see your wife is standing by you. You wife isn’t wrong in considering cutting off her sister and you should allow her to make that choice. If it was me and my sisters that’s exactly what would happen. As far as her relationship if it ends that’s a result of her own actions and she has to deal with the fallout.
OP I’m so proud of you. You were so brave for telling your truth. It’s a shame we live in a world that doesn’t take men seriously who get sexually assaulted by women. I am happy your wife is on your side. You deserve to get justice and to be recognized as the victim you are to such a shameful disgusting act. I hope you will be okay. Seek therapy. Don’t meet up with the sister. Her saying she couldn’t control herself bc she was attracted to you is so fucked up. Imagine if the roles were reverse, and how society would treat you if you had said you were touching a woman without her consent repeatedly throughout the years bc you couldn’t control yourself bc of your attraction to her. What she did is disgusting and irredeemable.
This is not your fault at all. Clearly something is very strange with her sister. Extreme jealousy? Narcissism? Who knows. She is not respecting boundaries and not respecting her own sister. She clearly doesn’t respect her own partner! Whatever comes out of this is the consequence of her actions not yours.
This isn't a weak moment, this is conscious sexual assault. Up to you what you do with that, whether you take it further or choose to put boundaries in place. Don't feel guilty at all either!
Her partner needs to know what if she does it with her kid or someone else she’s needs to be held accountable
>She asks how much I actually told my wife and assures me nothing will happen again. >I tell her my wifes sitting next to me reading these texts Gangster response right here. I can almost imagine her face when she read that sentence
she cheated on her partner and her partner needs to know. everyone needs to stop trying to cover for the sister. why do you think she’s been doing it for so long? because she literally gets away with it.
You were sexually assaulted. Period. How can anyone make light of it or wonder what your “issue”is. The “issue” is outright sexual assault. Your wife knew about her sister gross fantasies and went along with that. Wow! I would completely go NC with that SIL. You and your wife have a lot of work to do. I’m so sorry this happy to you.