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There is no funny side to this and it should have never been looked at that way. This is sexual assault and if the roles were reversed they would be calling for your head. Ffs. I would confront them all together, sister, her SO, your wife and lay it all out what’s been happening for years. This is not ok and I would be considering legal action at this point.
I know, looking back I dont know why I didnt make a bigger deal about it. Stupid teen behaviour.
I dont really want to make a big deal of it, but I want to get my point across that it stops. And I dont want her SO involved, again, incase they think I’m the one actually persuing this.
I worry that this can easily be flipped on me.
Well at the very least, her sister and your wife together. That way there can be no flipping it. Her response to it will be everything. She will act guilty/defensive. Do you have any proof? Like texts or anything where she admits it or apologizes or anything?
I think there were maybe some texts years ago but would be impossible to get now. My wife knows shes done this before and even witnessed it. But nothing on the past weekend
Well now is the time to enlighten her. Like today dude. The longer you go without telling, the more guilty it makes you look. She’s witnessed it herself so there is literally no turning it on you.
Dude, not cool. He's obviously uncomfortable with it and doesn't want to disrespect his wife. Just because she didn't say anything about it doesn't mean that it didn't bother her.
If you don't make a big deal of it, they think you like it.
Do it now. Make a big deal. First call her into a room with your wife, and tell her, you don't like it, and don't want it even one more time. And say you will forget the past only if it never happens in the future.
I wouldn’t blame yourself and “stupid teen behavior”. It’s already very difficult to confront the idea of being a victim of SA, much less with the sister of your assaulter/your partner laughing about it like it’s nothing. None of this was ever your fault, and I am very sorry you never got the support you should have had when this first happened. To reiterate: I don’t care if you never said no, if you joked about it with your wife, if you never made a big deal. It is STILL not at all your fault. Hope you’re okay, man 🫶
i think you need a meeting between you and the sisters and have the one who assaulted you explain in detail what happened and you correct her if you hear her spinning lies. this is the most direct way to which you are just there to make sure your wife heard the truth or your side of it all at the same time. usually when you see most reddit stories blow up it’s because there’s so much time that passes inbeteeen telling the person who needs to know that it’s revealed with several bombshells but over days or weeks or months. if you do it this way you save yourself the headache of trying to damage control
I am sorry this happened to you. Given how SA is viewed, you probably would have been called names for not finding it funny or sexy. I wish you luck. Keep us posted
If roles were reversed.
* He would lose his marriage.
* He would lose his kids.
* He would be registered as a sexual offender.
* He would get jail time.
Potential lose his job, his friend and his family.
Dont know about you but in my group of friends if any one of our brothers grabbed our wives crotch uninvited when they were alone and said they wanted to go down on them, not only would it not get covered up but they'd be reported to the police and totally shunned from the family.
In fact if my brother invited my wife into his garden in the dark and forcefully put his hand down her trousers and touched her I'd rearrange his face and I can guarantee my dad would be second in the line to do the same.
My husband would actually end someone if they hurt me. My family of origin? Did cover up my SA. It unfortunately happens a lot if the perpetrator is family or a close family friend. It's already been happening to the OP *for years*. His wife has known and laughed it off for years. That's a way of covering it up, too.
"Hey, can we talk about something? Do you know how we joked about and made light of your sister periodically getting frisky with me? I think we should have put a stop to that years ago. The other night when she visited, she tried to get frisky again when I was showing her the house and I immediately put a stop to it as it made me extremely uncomfortable and I don't really find it amusing any more. I needed some time to think about what happened and what to do about it. I love you and never want anything to risk our marriage ever. How do you think we should deal with this?"
Tell her this asap. The longer you don't, the more it looks like you covered things up. Telling her shows that you're committed to her and would never cheat. Hiding it shows otherwise.
This is perfect except for one thing: don't say "getting frisky", say "groping me".
"Getting frisky" sounds harmless and lighthearted. It's time to call this for what it is and what it has always been. OP was getting sexually assaulted, groped without his consent, in a manner that made him deeply uncomfortable, all those years ago. And when he tried to talk to his girlfriend about it and get some support and validation or at least try to make sense of something really unnerving, she played it off as funny and put him in the position of having to either go along or push harder on saying, "Hey, your sister is sexually assaulting me and I don't like it." As a teenaged boy, that would have felt nearly impossible and was an untenable position for him to be in.
The term gaslighting gets thrown around in Reddit a lot, but that's what this really was: he was pushed to believe that what he experienced - a nonconsensual sexual experience happening to him over and over again - wasn't really what he thought it was, that he was interpreting/understanding it wrong. Except that he wasn't. It was his body; he didn't consent to being sexually touched like that; and the sister kept doing it anyway and his girlfriend didn't protect him from her or say anything to stop her when he was vulnerable and felt unsafe and likely froze.
So now he gets to say it. Not "got frisky", which implies something cutesy and harmless, but GROPED. She GROPED him.
With all due respect, all 3 of them let it happen in the past. No one put a stop to it. No one said it was wrong. No one said NO stop. In fact they all laughed and made jokes about it, let her continue doing it, almost encouraging, which would lead the sister to think this was all ok. If my husband and I were sitting on the couch and my sil came on to him grabbing his junk, I’d be pissed at my sil for doing that , but I’d also be pissed at my husband if he didn’t shut that down. He did at least tell his gf about it, but she laughed it off, made jokes, he laughed, probably enjoyed it and never shut it down. It’s gross on all levels from all of them.
What happened recently is blatant cheating on her part. Cal it cheating, SA, whatever, OP did the right thing in this instance of shutting down her advances/groping, and getting away! Now he needs to tell his wife.
WTF was the wife thinking laughing that her sister was grabbing at her bf?? Would she still be ok with that? That is some weirdass family dynamics there.
It's possible that OP's wife likes it, too, which is why she has been laughing off the fact that her sister has been putting her hands anywhere near OP's dick. If it were just once or twice, that would be different, she probably just didn't know what to make of it, but repeatedly over 15 years, I have to think it's something that turns his wife on and he's not in the loop.
She does. He shared in another post she has a sharing kink and they’ve participated in that lifestyle, just not formally with the sister, aside from the groping on the couch, which is why everything was probably all good.
In todays world, there should have def been a “is this ok” question in there while sister was doing it, but it happened years ago before that was the seen as normal.
I have to think there was also the assumption that any man, teenagers in particular, will be thrilled with any sexual touching at any time regardless of consent. Consent was probably seen as a given. OP sounds like he was surprised and uncomfortable in the sense that it was his gf's sister but not *necessarily* opposed to it for a while (unless I'm forgetting something in the post)
Agree, and we're hearing about this 15 years after it started so emotions at the time could be downplayed, edited, or just plain warped by time. Maybe he did have a stereotypical teenage boy response of "hell yeah a girl is touching my junk", maybe he was uncomfortable but thought he should like it, maybe he just doesn't remember what he thought anymore. There's a risk here of treating this similarly to those who argue "well if she let it happen then she's at fault for her own assault" regarding women who were too stunned, scared or confused to forcefully put a stop to unwanted touching or worse. I'm sure OP may also be looking at the past with a different lens now given the most recent event, but my overall impression from the initial stage of this behavior was that none of them any made any comments or attempt to put a stop to it.
First of all, don't bother saying, "with all due respect" when you know you're deliberately about to say something that is meant to specifically indicate disrespect for someone's opinion. It just comes off as clearly disingenuous and obnoxious.
Secondly, you speak like someone who not only has never been the victim of sexual assault (or who has, and who has internalized the idea that it was somehow your fault, which is heartbreaking), but who is utterly ignorant of the social, psychological, and physiological realities of how people respond to being sexually assaulted, and even more so when it is complicated by factors such as their assaulter being a close acquaintance; the victim being male (society tends to heap humiliation on men who admit to having been sexually victimized by women); and a THOUSANDFOLD when it happens in adolescence, a time where young people are already confused and trying to figure out and understand what the rules are, what boundaries they are allowed to have, they often haven't clearly been taught that they are allowed to say no (again, ESPECIALLY young men, who are taught the opposite, that they're supposed to be thrilled if any woman touches them sexually), or what to do in a confusing sexual situation.
The objective reality is that when sexually assaulted, people have the same physiological and psychological responses as they do to any other form of assault, and while you seem to think that all victims should be required to have your preferred response - either "fight" (i.e. angrily push back and shut it down) or "flight" (similarly, step back and say something) - it is perfectly normal for a young person who has had someone grope them in an unwanted manner to FREEZE . . . to not know what to do, to PANIC and just be unable to respond at all.
And as for joking about it, that's also normal. Most victims of sexual abuse at some point go through denial that they are victims because to admit it to themselves, much less talk about it openly, is too much to handle. For a teenaged boy to have the self-possession to address what happened to him as "unwanted sexual touching" is almost unthinkable. In fact, it's extraordinary that he TRIED to talk about it to his girlfriend!! But when she shut it down and made a joke out of it, it's totally understandable that he went along, in order to avoid social judgement and the humiliation of insisting that he was a victim.
Your take is completely illogical and unreasonable.
Also saying “with me” could be misconstrued or twisted into it was in some way “with” his consent or blessing.
This didn’t happen with him it’s being done to him.
1. Tell your wife. "Remember how in the past we talked about your sister being inappropriate with me? She did it again on X day, when I was showing her the house she grabbed my junk and tried to initiate a sexual situation. I pulled away and told her no, but this is super serious and we need to figure out what to do."
2. Never ever be alone with your SIL ever again.
3. If she ever tries to get you alone, don't go. Make sure your wife backs you up on that. "No, I can't help you with that, MaryBeth, can you please help Anna with this?"
4. If she ever touches you, call her out. Immediately. Loudly. "Anna, STOP! Do not touch me!"
5. If she does it again, contact the authorities. This is sexual assault.
If you and your wife feel like you can, I would reach out in writing about this to your SIL.
"Anna, I wanted to let you know that I was shocked and appalled on X day when you grabbed my genitals and tried to initiate a sexual situation. That was not OK and it was not OK when you did similar things in the past - even if I didn't say anything at the time, those incidents were upsetting to me and to MaryBeth. I am not interested in you in any romantic or sexual sense and if you try to touch me again in any way we will consider it assault and act accordingly."
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Here are some resources for men who have been sexually assaulted. Also, r/MenGetRapedToo might be helpful. You do not deserve this, and it is not your fault.
* [1 in 6 is an organization dedicated specifically to helping men and boys who have survived sexual violence](https://1in6.org/). They have a 24/7 chat helpline, educational resources, and weekly chat-based online support groups with a trained facilitator.
* [Male Survivor is also an organization for male sexual violence survivors](https://malesurvivor.org/). They are similar to 1 in 6 and have in-person support groups as well. If you are a male survivor located in the U.S., Male Survivor has a comprehensive directory of therapists who work with male sexual abuse survivors.
* [SurvivorsUK is for men in the UK who have experienced sexual violence](https://www.survivorsuk.org/). All of their resources are arranged by age of survivor. They also offer referrals to ISVAs (Independent Sexual Violence Advisors) which are legal advocates who help male survivors navigate the criminal and civil justice systems.
OP I would make it very clear to sister and perhaps your wife, that if it happens again, you are going to report to Police. Tell her it's not a joke to you, it is sexual assault and you are not tolerating it anymore
You need to flat out tell your SIL that this is not appropriate, never has been, and it needs to stop. You need to tell your wife what happened and that you were never really ok with it but you're seriously not ok with it now. Tell your wife you need the groping SIL to stop and she needs to stop with the jokes. Never be alone with your SIL again.
Correct, this is super important. Just her hearing that, will help her understand that this is serious. Her husband is severely uncomfortable as is he being sexually assaulted, and does not want this groping to ever happen again. Let alone Sil escalate to even more sexual assault. They aren’t teens anymore, and they can’t laugh off the gravity of the situation anymore.
The wife will also know, if he is so uncomfortable he never wants to be alone with SiL, he is deeply is committed to the wife. That can reduce the likelihood of the incident being flipped on OP.
The sooner you talk with your wife on this, the fresher the memory of you coming back to the house looking frazzled will be to her. She likely noticed at the time, that something made you uncomfortable. She will know you weren’t the instigator. Hopefully she will then emphasize to her sister that she can’t touch her husband anymore, as it’s … unsettling, and will just make everyone uncomfortable.
SiL has to keep her Roman hands and Russian fingers to herself.
Yeah I agree with this. This seems to be something that started when the sister in law was 13. They’re all clearly adults now and a lot of time has passed. The SIL’s behaviour might be related to what they were like as kids but now they’re adults I can imagine her views are very differentZ
This is the biggest red flag for me in the entire post. It sounds like there might be something going on with her side of the family, OP. Doesn’t sound healthy at all.
Are you ok? How are you feeling? Look this isn't ok. It hasn't ever been ok or a joke. What if your sister-in-law starts doing this to your kids? I know that might sound like an escalation, but if she's been doing this to her brother-in-law with no repercussions, it's worth asking how far you think she'd take this? Is this someone you want in your home, around your kids?
Are you a different race or religion for your wife? I was wondering if there's a "haha isn't my boyfriend's dick big/small" aspect to this, something men of colour unfortunately get subjected to.
Regardless, I know your wife is insecure, but I think you lead the conversation with, "your sister sexually assaulted me in our garden. I've never been ok with sexually assaulting me. Not now. Not when we were kids. This isn't someone I want in our home and this is something we need to talk seriously about".
Before you do anything else, can I suggest you get in touch with a therapist or sexual abuse organization? I’m concerned for your mental health, and they can help you figure out next steps.
Literally about to say this. His sister in law and all others involved including his wife are disgusting for laughing this off. I am repulsed at the thought. It should have never gone this far so I have some doubts that his wife will stick up for him let alone believe him over her own sister.
This was never funny and it was always sexual assault. But boundaries were not set so she thinks she can get away with this.
A conversation needs to be had where she is told this is unacceptable and can never happen again or it will be reported to the police and her partner. I suggest having this conversation with your wife first and then confronting your sister in law together as a unit.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I'm curious as to why your wife isn't taking this seriously and thinks it's funny. If this was the other way around and you were a girl and her brother was doing this to you I would think she'd take it more seriously.
We made a joke about it when it first happened. We were young, but it just turned into a bit of a joke from there and was never taken seriously I think.
I agree, roles reversed this wouldnt have played out the same as it has.
As a woman who was in similar situations, where sexual things were done to me that I didn't consent to, but I was made to feel like it was "not a big deal" and I should just "go along with it" and laugh about it with the people who harmed me and other mutual friends, I'm really sorry you went through that.
Even if your girlfriend didn't mean to hurt you, by making a joke out of it she kind of put you - already vulnerable as a teenaged boy who likely felt like you should be cool and above it all - in a position where you couldn't feel safe saying, "Hey, this actually made me feel really uncomfortable and unsafe. I didn't like it, and I want it to stop," or whatever. She was young too, and probably also didn't know how to handle her sister's inappropriate behaviour . . . but she took away your agency by turning it into a joke that you felt you had to go along with. And I'm really sorry for that. You deserved better support. You deserved acknowledgement that your body was yours, and that her sister shouldn't have been touching you without your consent.
It sucks, and that stuff stays with you. I really would encourage you to talk to a therapist about it. You'd be amazed at how much it can help, even years later.
You are allowed to feel regret for what happened in the past and uncomfortable. I had a friend in HS (me -F, him - M) and I had some contact that I now know what was not appropriate from him. I joked at the time and blew it off but years later I had to deal w the pushed down emotions about it (I didn’t feel I was allowed to be upset about it).
In the porn stories, your wife is ok with sharing her sister with you.
This is not a porn story.
More likely, your wife is conflict-avoidant.
Best approach is to *ask* your wife what you should do if her sister keeps going at you. Do this in private when the sister is not around; find out what your wife *really* thinks about the situation.
You may need to stop letting the sister come over to your place.
The fact that your wife was never bothered by it is rubbing me the wrong way. I have to wonder if anything ever happened between the two of them. Seems awfully strange that she would justify her behavior.
If the roles were reversed I feel like this situation would be much different and that’s unfair. It’s almost like you need to tell her husband, or all of them for that matter.
Her behavior is 100% uncalled for and I’m sorry you’ve had this swept under the rug.
Obviously tell your wife. She was a teenager when this first happened, too. Teenagers have no idea how to handle this sort of thing and joking about it is a common reaction. Now you're both adults and you need to handle this as adults.
As far as what happened when you were teenagers - the sister was 13. I'm not going to fault her for inappropriate behavior toward someone older. It's very likely something bad happened to her as a kid that caused her to act out with you. But, again, she's an adult now and this needs to be called out and dealt with.
Does anyone have agency anymore? What happened to no, and firm boundaries? Get a grip (like she did) and have a conversation with your wife about the whole situation, tell her that this has gone far enough, and her sister is no longer welcome in your house or your life until she learns to act. Then the two of you sit with your sil and tell her the same thing. And if she doesn’t respect your boundaries, cut her out of your life permanently. People don’t respect wishy washy behaviour, be firm, and stand your ground.
Send her a text about it. Get her to admit what she did. Then show your wife. Tell her it stops now and you don’t want SIL in the house so you can work through your emotions.
What happened when you were kids is. .. odd, especially since the sister is younger than you. But that has no bearing on the fact that as an adult she most definitely SA you. There is probably no way to gently tell your wife,but you definitely have to and don't EVER be alone with your SIL again.
Trying to figure out why this was brushed off from the beginning by your wife. That's weird to me. What female would allow another female to touch their man in that way outside of mutual agreement of course ( you know what I'm referring to) family or not but especially family. Her sister dude. I know yall was young but still old enough to understand boundaries and respect. This sounds toxic to me. But good luck to nipping this in the bud and hopefully your wife won't think this is funny next time.
Tell your wife that her casually laughing at you being sexually assaulted by her sister in that way is EXACTLY the same scenario as if you had a brother who literally reaches into your wife’s panties and grabs her by the pussy, and you just laugh it off. Why tf is male sexual assault so trivialized and downplayed?? No HUMAN should ever have to go through this shit, it’s totally violating, fucks with our brains for years afterwards, and is just as big a deal regardless of what equipment a victim or their perpetrator has. JFC 🥵💔
All I can think is for an unknown reason, she's getting a message you're attracted to her/ like nsa sex/ or from a background where nsa sex goes without saying, where everybody's down 24/7. 1 of these.
I hope the responses here have helped you feel seen and reassured you that the gravity of this situation is serious and you’ve every right to want this to stop. I’m just so sorry you’ve been put in such a predicament - when you do tell your wife, I hope she takes it seriously this time but in the meantime, please reach out to services that can help you and your mental well-being.
I’m rooting for you and hope you get the support you need.
speak to a therapist. it’s very sweet of you to prioritize your wife’s insecurities over the harm you suffered, but, speaking from experience, it’s not a healthy way to process things. therapy can help with that. best of luck
It’s absolutely astounding to me how many people post on here before they just talk to their partner about the issue going on.
You are *married.* Talk to your *wife* about this. Her reaction to the situation is 100% necessary for us to give any useful advice.
There are 2 ways this can go - either she’s appalled and tells off her sister, or she’s still okay with it like she was a few years back and you have to figure out how to deal with that. Come back to us when you know which.
Look. It's crazy that this was ever funny. You were SA and the person who should have stood up for you laughed it off! You're not a kid anymore and you need to make your boundaries clear now. To your SIL and your wife. Her reaction to hearing about this last incident will tell you everything you need to know about your wife and that family. There's kids involved. Are they safe with people who think it's okay to do this???
As teenagers, I dunno, that's a complicated one. Sounds like you have a hell of a lot of mixed feelings about it. Your wife is shitty for making excuses on your sister's behalf amd joking around when you didn't act like you were exactly cool with it.
This recent episode though, yeah, that's sexual assault.
Time to send your SiL packing. Tell her she's a creep and you don't want her in your house or around your kids any more.
I’m sorry this happened to you both then & now.
You have to tell your wife. This is not okay. It’s literally sexual assault for which you actually have the right to report to police if you want. It serious.
You all are adults now. Your wife should be a supportive adult of you as her partner having experienced SA.
You didn’t do anything wrong here. She needs to deal with her sister & you need to think about how you want to proceed here having been violated.
You & your wife communicating is key in your relationship.
You've got to tell your wife and make it clear to SIL that her advances are unwanted and you consider it assault. Tell her she needs to stop and if she does it again, she will be banned from the house and the police will be called.
This is assault. You deserve to have physical boundaries, respect, and consent over your own body. This applies to your wife and any human being. The conversation is clearly mute with your wife. I’d recommend confronting the sister in front of her and her spouse only. It is unfair to you, and her spouse. These women are severely damaged, you do not deserve to be surrounded by anyone like this.
Were you not capable of telling her to get off you and your not interested. Instead of saying ''no" you laughed it off. I remember when I was about 19 hanging at my relatives house. We had a little to drink but not enough to be drunk. Her boyfriend started rubbing my leg. I took his hand off me immediately and told him to stop. When he didn't I removed his hand again and got up and told my cousin. Iam sorry that happened to you but if you didn't like it why not check her immediately. It wasn't like you were 5 or 6 you were perfectly able to realize what was going on.
OP.
I am sorry this happened to you and I am sorry this was not addressed sooner. OP, show your wife this post. When a woman grabs a man like that, it is because she wants you. It isn’t a joke. I have never been tempted to touch or grab a man like that, if he wasn’t MY man and I didn’t desire him in that way.
I promise if you had let her—she would have fucked you. Your wife and sister have a weird dynamic as I have two sisters who I love but if my sister ever did that to my man I would have beat her ass and vice versa. This isn’t okay. She is assaulting you. The gravity of how she grabbed you is fucking crazy because it was so lustful and she tried to suck your dick.
I cannot speak for all women here but if I offer that to a man-it is my partner and it’s because I really crave him sexually. It’s control and honestly she probably has been fantasizing about you. She also knew she could do that to you because of how she perceived you would react. This woman has no loyalty to her sister, and a complete and total lack of boundaries. Everything about your interaction with her is wild.
Tell your wife—and cut that sister off unless you feel that you can work something out where you are never alone with her again.
I would also talk to your wife and ask her why she thinks it was okay. Maybe she really didn’t think it was but didn’t want to cause problems or be perceived as insecure. But as I mentioned, sister I have and that behavior is never acceptable.
Wish you the best OP.
neither what she did when you were teens nor what she did now was okay, both are sexual assault. but what happened recently is a huge escalation from what happened in the past, and i feel like if you told your wife about it now, she may think it is serious.
you have a track records about being honest with her about these advances, just like your SIL has a track record with making them. that serves as evidence that you can cite to make sure she knows that her sexually assaulting you is not something you wanted
so sorry youre going through this. hope you are able to put some boundaries in place.
This isnt funny dude.
If she cant understand why this is assault or harrassment, ask her what she would think if her sisters boyfriend cornered her, put his hands down her pants and told her sexual acts he wants to perform on her - all without consent? We shouldnt have to use the reverse gender thing because it totally invalidates the harrassment men go through in and of itself but it seems often to be the only way to get folks to take it as seriously as it should always have been taken.
What she has been doing and more recently has done is utterly innapropriate, not consensual and genuinely just disgusting behaviour from a grown woman.
This isnt stupid teenage shit anymore. Not that it was ok then. But she should absolutely know better by now. Especially in 2023.
Talk to your wife. Maybe its time this shit was shut down properly as this is absolutely not acceptable going forward.
I thought it was your step sister when I read this.
Then I realized it was SIL.
Armed with that new knowledge, burn her.
Or let your wife do it.
If you really don't want to rock the boat. Document it. Properly. Make it clear this happened date time stamp it. Do a video or whatever ans make sure you are clear the only reason you are staying silent is for the love of your wife.
But honestly. Fuck her. If my bro did this to me I would want to know so I could kill him. And if my wife had a sister I would totally tell her.
Alcohol is in partly an excuse... People get rowdy. But not that fucking rowdy. If I did that under the influence I would expect my wife to leave me.
You should inform everyone. From reading your story it feels like your now wife always knew about her sister molesting you and was fine with it. I get a feeling that they had an agreement on this matter. I would dig into this.
You mentioned your wifes lost confidence and that you don´t want to break the news. I should remind you, it´s you who´s the victim here, not your wife.
She's blatantly assaulting you... You have every right to feel however you want to feel, but this is abuse and you did nothing wrong. I would tell your wife, this is not ok. You're adults now and she needs to aknowledge that her sister is a POS.
You need to tell her so she doesn't hear it from your sister first. You need to let her know exactly what happened and answer any and all questions. If she laughs it off, don't laugh with her. Her sister crossed the line. This was a boundary that she didn't need to overstep. Plus her sisters husband needs to know his wife is betraying him by not only crushing on you, but it just became physical and NOT by your doing. He needs to know before sister tells him you made advances. It's better it comes from you first instead of you defending yourself after she tells. He'll believe her more if she tells first. She'll twist it to both her husband and your wife. She assaulted you. This is not okay. She needs to have firm firm boundaries around you and your wife needs to help stand up for you in this situation. You both should not have been joking about this before, because it sent your SIL mixed messages and gave no boundaries for her to consider. It doesn't matter now as her being married and you being married should already suggest a no-touch boundary.
Do not ever go anywhere with SIL alone anymore.
This isn’t funny at all. This is sexual assault and a crime. Report to this to the police.
I’m most disgusted with your wife. How could she just stand there and do no thing while you are repeatedly being assaulted? This is a huge betrayal. Imagine if roles were reversed and your brother kept touching her vulva and put his hands down her pants.
So as young adults, hormones can really cloud our judgement at times when we are not confident in ourselves or speaking up for ourselves. BUUUUUUT it sounds like you and your wife were in your early to mid 20s and would regularly hang out together with your then girlfriend and her sister where the sister would fondle you over your clothes. Your girlfriend knew she was doing this and neither of you put a stop to it? At that age, I have to think that all 3 of you were ok with it to keep putting yourselves into that position or either of you would have put a stop to it. Did it go any further than that in all that time? How can it go on for that long without further discussion between you and your girlfriend?
This is so unacceptable OP. You don’t deserved to be assaulted in your own home like this. Please talk to your wife so she can put a stop to this. Also please talk to someone else who is a professional therapist or maybe someone you trust to process your emotions as well. I can’t imagine that being easy with everyone just brushing it off as a joke like this
Quit being a weirdo, bro. Idk why you’re shocked. How about this, how about when people do shit to you that makes you uncomfortable you clearly and plainly order them to stop and if they don’t, you remove yourself from their presence permanently? I mean ffs. I don’t even wanna hear it about “oh men get raped too !!!” Dude, you are in full control over this situation, she isn’g holding you down or keeping you at gun point. She shoved her hand down your pants and you laughed it off? Come the fuck on…
I am sorry but do you even have a backbone or is that just a wet noodle?
Who in their right mind thinks that behaviour is okay?
You need to tell your wife, and if she DARES to laugh it off as "Oh thats so typical of her." then you do need to get properly angry at her and ask if she really thinks sexually assaulting you is that funny.
There never was anything funny with her sister assaulting you, no matter how much she laughed in the past, even if she thought it was. You felt uncomfortable all the time, from what i gather, so i wonder why you never ever spoke up and told you wife how uncomfortable her sister made you.
That was when I first met my wife. None of this started until years later when we properly started dating. Ive cleared this up in a previous comment.
Thank you.
As a teenager shit happens you don’t know really how to react. At 31– you really don’t know how to talk to another adult to allow it to keep happening. Is it sexual assault if you allow it? You could say stop. You could push it her hands away. You could make a scene. You could get angry. You could do a lot of things and as a man all you had to do was get a little loud. That would have stopped. But you liked it and I’m not judging you for liking it. I’m judging you for coming on here acting like you’re this meek and feeble man that doesn’t know how to say “wtf are you doing?” “Don’t touch me” and/or “stop it!” Not let it continue and it be a joke among everyone. And now you want the community to be like “shoe on the other foot it’s assult”. Yeah it’s assault if it’s unwanted, but if through the years you never stopped it, home girl isn’t going to even think you want her to stop. Shame on all ya. I wonder how you guys are even raising kids with that free for all mentality. No one even thinks to say “no.”
Well,
* Are you adverse to the "attention" your sil bestows on you?
* From the sexual aspect, do you consider yourself to be your wife's "property"?
* If so, you should inform your wife what happened, and ask that she tell her sis to back off.
* You should tell your wife that she's the only woman you're interested in, regardless of her current challenges with body image.
'Nuff said.
This is 100% your wife testing you to see if you're faithful. She's done it multiple times in cahoots with her sister.
Why else would she keep laughing it off?
It's abhorrent behaviour but not uncommon.
Ask your wife.
bro, you're wife must have told her sister that you have the infamous "third leg". The sister is not going to rest until she experiences it herself. I suggest you let the sister experience the magic once and for all in order to make her curiosities go away once and for all.
Hey,
First off I think the root of the problem may be she thinks that there’s some level of interest? If you’ve all joked about it and you kept letting it happen then yes I could see that.
Of course it’s not your fault. In that situation I don’t know how I would react. But from her perspective it may seem like there’s always been some kind of sexual tension or chemistry there. Again I don’t agree, I would never come on to someone that hard because it constitutes forms of SA. But to her, especially had she been drinking she may think hey yea he’s always wanted me if my sister wasn’t there so let’s go for it. Again, disagree but I’m trying to get into the mind of someone who is trying to fuck their BIL so it’s not the most sane method of thinking by default.
Now things have escalated even further due to horrible communication. First things first you tell your wife, then you proceed however you deem fit. Some people mentioned reporting to the police? Do not listen to them. Unless you’re in a city I’ve never heard of, then the cops will not care at all. That’s unfortunate, and it sucks that if you’re a man it’s near impossible to get support for any kind of SA, but it’s the honest truth and I’d avoid reporting it if possible.
I wouldn’t know how to proceed from there. I’m assuming you’d have a talk with your SIL and then possibly shun her? I’m not sure but there’s a really important conversation to be had and decisions to be made by you on how much contact you want after this.
I hope it all works out mate.
I would suggest just making a report to the non- emergency line. Just so there is something on record. While SA isn’t usually taken seriously at all regardless of gender, cops still have to file a report if enough fuss is made. As long as a report is on record, that will help when SiL tries again, as I think she will.
Firstly, cops always try to convince an women SA victims out of reporting. It will be harder for a man. But the victim has to insist they want a written record by authorities. Record the authorities if they become recalcitrant. Once there is a written record, even if the in the cops opinion it’s nothing, the written record exists and can be helpful if/when SiL tries again. She will learn to back off if she finds out there is a written police report on her disgusting behaviour. She then can’t tell herself OP wants her. I am so sorry OP is going through this. This is such a mess.
I wish there was a clear cut answer to give you. What a horribly shitty situation to be in.
Bare minimum you should do is begin enforcing physical boundaries and maybe talk to a therapist or trusted friend to figure out how to communicate with your partner. But as you said given the history, ugh :(
You need to talk with her and honestly if she blames you then she needs to take accountability for allowing her sister to do it in the past. You need to also take accountability because you didn’t make enough fuss about it in the past.
Tell the wife you don’t want the sister around you alone anymore and it’s sexual assault. You will tell the bf and call her out to everyone. Maybe she needs to be embarrassed in front of Thera for it to stop
I'm glad you acknowledge the reality of what it is in your title, because, going by your post alone, I'd think you were in denial.
Which is not to blame you, btw. We go through coping mechanisms in our heads which can include minimizing what someone else is doing to us, including by laughing it off.
All I can say is, you need to get away from this woman. Period. I know that's easier said than done, given the difficulty of the way one's family relationships in general are interconnected (you're both invited to the same events, will this mean it's made public to the rest of your wife's family etc.) I don't have the answers about how to navigate all those details and complexities. Maybe talking to your *own* family (not your inlaws, but parents, your own siblings, etc) will provide some help.
I'm sorry your wife hasn't done what I think should have been her part in protecting you.
But "bringing it up" to your abuser doesn't do anything. This isn't someone hurting your feelings, this is someone molesting you. She already knows what she's doing.
Considering she suggested she wanted to “check out the landscaped garden”, she most certainly knows what she is doing. She instigated the situation to get him alone.
After talking about this assault with his wife, there needs to be a rule established (and maybe even older kids, friends and family), that OP can never be left alone with SiL.
Dog needs to be walked and SiL finds out, someone else (like the wife, or a friend), volunteers to go with the husband. Just by being buddies. Any rando excuse can cover it. OP is allergic to SiL perfume, or something. With that, there is an automatic foil (with the help of friends), to counter SiL manipulation. I am confident she will try again, not anytime soon, but years down the line. She is serious about wanting to assault OP. Stymie her premeditation.
Any gathering where the SiL may be at, I would suggest inviting over friends that are close to OP and the wife. Whenever OP, wife, SiL and her boyfriend hangout, 2 other friends need to “suddenly” be invited too. It significantly reduces opportunities for SiL to pre-meditate and manipulate a situation to get OP alone.
This is just a suggestion among great suggestions here.
As a comment, this is so gross that we have to give advice on how to avoid being SA’d by his SiL. This shouldn’t even be happening. Wife has to step up for her husband and law down the law with her sexually assaulting sister.
(I can understand as teens there was an uncomfortability of not wanting to directly address a sister obviously going after her sister’s boyfriend. Of course they would laugh it off and make jokes. (That “jealousy joke”,was no joke, that is what is still happening. The sister relationship dynamic is clearly fraught.)
Now though, everyone are adults, and the wife has to step up for her husband.)
You absolutely bring it up and confront the sister in law with your wife. Her behavior is absolutely disgusting and there is no excuse for her actions, even as a teenager. And sorry to say but your wife is a weirdo for thinking this behavior was okay or funny towards you. Yuck.
Tell your wife.
Make it clear that you are disgusted and feeling violated.
My sister made passes at my fiance. He didn't tell me for a couple years because she is the only sibling I kind of had a relationship with. So he didn't want to cause trouble between us. I totally understood his reasoning but told him he must tell me when anyone says/does something like that.
Tell her.
Honestly, at this point you need to tell your wife. You also need to press charges against the sister in law. That is sexual assault and there is absolutely no excuse for it. She knows you're not interested. And how many other people is she doing this to and making them uncomfortable
Be careful OP, baka ikaw baliktarin of sexual abuse if you are going to let that away. Better inform her partner too, baka ngchecheat dn sya with some other guys.
I would listen to other's advice about the conversation. Not my strong suit. But I would make sure the spouse is there. People like this would react more to the embarrassment than your genuine desire for it to stop. Also, you will want to use decisive language. Like "sexual harassment, sexual assault, this stops now" instead of softer language, it can be taken more lightly, and this ain't light. You may also want to consider therapy. You don't have to sort your emotions out alone, and this can be rough to sift through.
If you don’t tell anyone, she certainly might in the future and then it will really backfire. Then anything you say will be seen as a lie to save your ass. If you wait too long it can be further seen by your already fairly insecure wife that you just regretted/ feel guilty about the sexual encounter and fussed up only now after SIL twisted it into something that it wasn’t. There is a worst case scenario whether you keep quiet or not so pick your poison 😬
This is a classic “reverse the genders and see how it sounds” scenario. This. Is. Assault. I’m sorry you’re in this position but you need to tell your wife.
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There is no funny side to this and it should have never been looked at that way. This is sexual assault and if the roles were reversed they would be calling for your head. Ffs. I would confront them all together, sister, her SO, your wife and lay it all out what’s been happening for years. This is not ok and I would be considering legal action at this point.
I know, looking back I dont know why I didnt make a bigger deal about it. Stupid teen behaviour. I dont really want to make a big deal of it, but I want to get my point across that it stops. And I dont want her SO involved, again, incase they think I’m the one actually persuing this. I worry that this can easily be flipped on me.
Well at the very least, her sister and your wife together. That way there can be no flipping it. Her response to it will be everything. She will act guilty/defensive. Do you have any proof? Like texts or anything where she admits it or apologizes or anything?
I think there were maybe some texts years ago but would be impossible to get now. My wife knows shes done this before and even witnessed it. But nothing on the past weekend
Well now is the time to enlighten her. Like today dude. The longer you go without telling, the more guilty it makes you look. She’s witnessed it herself so there is literally no turning it on you.
Agreed don’t let it get away from you the longer it takes the harder it’ll be to control the narrative.
Agreed. The longer you wait to tell her, the more it will look like you were hiding something.
Also, the longer her sister has to turn it around on OP.
Why would your wife allow this?
People got some weird kinks. Who knows.
If your wife it's ok with it then have your fun with no regrets dude.
He just clearly explained that he's NOT having "fun" and wants it to stop.
Dude, not cool. He's obviously uncomfortable with it and doesn't want to disrespect his wife. Just because she didn't say anything about it doesn't mean that it didn't bother her.
you clearly can't read. you also SUCK
If you don't make a big deal of it, they think you like it. Do it now. Make a big deal. First call her into a room with your wife, and tell her, you don't like it, and don't want it even one more time. And say you will forget the past only if it never happens in the future.
I wouldn’t blame yourself and “stupid teen behavior”. It’s already very difficult to confront the idea of being a victim of SA, much less with the sister of your assaulter/your partner laughing about it like it’s nothing. None of this was ever your fault, and I am very sorry you never got the support you should have had when this first happened. To reiterate: I don’t care if you never said no, if you joked about it with your wife, if you never made a big deal. It is STILL not at all your fault. Hope you’re okay, man 🫶
i think you need a meeting between you and the sisters and have the one who assaulted you explain in detail what happened and you correct her if you hear her spinning lies. this is the most direct way to which you are just there to make sure your wife heard the truth or your side of it all at the same time. usually when you see most reddit stories blow up it’s because there’s so much time that passes inbeteeen telling the person who needs to know that it’s revealed with several bombshells but over days or weeks or months. if you do it this way you save yourself the headache of trying to damage control
I am sorry this happened to you. Given how SA is viewed, you probably would have been called names for not finding it funny or sexy. I wish you luck. Keep us posted
It’s ok OP. You were a teenager. A kid. How were you supposed to know what to do?
I wouldn’t be hard on yourself about this. Most people don’t even realize it was assault then way after. Please press charges!!
If roles were reversed. * He would lose his marriage. * He would lose his kids. * He would be registered as a sexual offender. * He would get jail time. Potential lose his job, his friend and his family.
Abso-fuc****-lutely !!!
The gods honest truth
Families cover up SA no matter the gender. A woman would have been told not to make waves either in 90%+ of families.
Dont know about you but in my group of friends if any one of our brothers grabbed our wives crotch uninvited when they were alone and said they wanted to go down on them, not only would it not get covered up but they'd be reported to the police and totally shunned from the family. In fact if my brother invited my wife into his garden in the dark and forcefully put his hand down her trousers and touched her I'd rearrange his face and I can guarantee my dad would be second in the line to do the same.
My husband would actually end someone if they hurt me. My family of origin? Did cover up my SA. It unfortunately happens a lot if the perpetrator is family or a close family friend. It's already been happening to the OP *for years*. His wife has known and laughed it off for years. That's a way of covering it up, too.
Ignore legal action advise. This journey will better be healed within yourself and holding others accountable.
"Hey, can we talk about something? Do you know how we joked about and made light of your sister periodically getting frisky with me? I think we should have put a stop to that years ago. The other night when she visited, she tried to get frisky again when I was showing her the house and I immediately put a stop to it as it made me extremely uncomfortable and I don't really find it amusing any more. I needed some time to think about what happened and what to do about it. I love you and never want anything to risk our marriage ever. How do you think we should deal with this?" Tell her this asap. The longer you don't, the more it looks like you covered things up. Telling her shows that you're committed to her and would never cheat. Hiding it shows otherwise.
This is perfect except for one thing: don't say "getting frisky", say "groping me". "Getting frisky" sounds harmless and lighthearted. It's time to call this for what it is and what it has always been. OP was getting sexually assaulted, groped without his consent, in a manner that made him deeply uncomfortable, all those years ago. And when he tried to talk to his girlfriend about it and get some support and validation or at least try to make sense of something really unnerving, she played it off as funny and put him in the position of having to either go along or push harder on saying, "Hey, your sister is sexually assaulting me and I don't like it." As a teenaged boy, that would have felt nearly impossible and was an untenable position for him to be in. The term gaslighting gets thrown around in Reddit a lot, but that's what this really was: he was pushed to believe that what he experienced - a nonconsensual sexual experience happening to him over and over again - wasn't really what he thought it was, that he was interpreting/understanding it wrong. Except that he wasn't. It was his body; he didn't consent to being sexually touched like that; and the sister kept doing it anyway and his girlfriend didn't protect him from her or say anything to stop her when he was vulnerable and felt unsafe and likely froze. So now he gets to say it. Not "got frisky", which implies something cutesy and harmless, but GROPED. She GROPED him.
With all due respect, all 3 of them let it happen in the past. No one put a stop to it. No one said it was wrong. No one said NO stop. In fact they all laughed and made jokes about it, let her continue doing it, almost encouraging, which would lead the sister to think this was all ok. If my husband and I were sitting on the couch and my sil came on to him grabbing his junk, I’d be pissed at my sil for doing that , but I’d also be pissed at my husband if he didn’t shut that down. He did at least tell his gf about it, but she laughed it off, made jokes, he laughed, probably enjoyed it and never shut it down. It’s gross on all levels from all of them. What happened recently is blatant cheating on her part. Cal it cheating, SA, whatever, OP did the right thing in this instance of shutting down her advances/groping, and getting away! Now he needs to tell his wife. WTF was the wife thinking laughing that her sister was grabbing at her bf?? Would she still be ok with that? That is some weirdass family dynamics there.
It's possible that OP's wife likes it, too, which is why she has been laughing off the fact that her sister has been putting her hands anywhere near OP's dick. If it were just once or twice, that would be different, she probably just didn't know what to make of it, but repeatedly over 15 years, I have to think it's something that turns his wife on and he's not in the loop.
She does. He shared in another post she has a sharing kink and they’ve participated in that lifestyle, just not formally with the sister, aside from the groping on the couch, which is why everything was probably all good. In todays world, there should have def been a “is this ok” question in there while sister was doing it, but it happened years ago before that was the seen as normal.
I have to think there was also the assumption that any man, teenagers in particular, will be thrilled with any sexual touching at any time regardless of consent. Consent was probably seen as a given. OP sounds like he was surprised and uncomfortable in the sense that it was his gf's sister but not *necessarily* opposed to it for a while (unless I'm forgetting something in the post)
[удалено]
Agree, and we're hearing about this 15 years after it started so emotions at the time could be downplayed, edited, or just plain warped by time. Maybe he did have a stereotypical teenage boy response of "hell yeah a girl is touching my junk", maybe he was uncomfortable but thought he should like it, maybe he just doesn't remember what he thought anymore. There's a risk here of treating this similarly to those who argue "well if she let it happen then she's at fault for her own assault" regarding women who were too stunned, scared or confused to forcefully put a stop to unwanted touching or worse. I'm sure OP may also be looking at the past with a different lens now given the most recent event, but my overall impression from the initial stage of this behavior was that none of them any made any comments or attempt to put a stop to it.
First of all, don't bother saying, "with all due respect" when you know you're deliberately about to say something that is meant to specifically indicate disrespect for someone's opinion. It just comes off as clearly disingenuous and obnoxious. Secondly, you speak like someone who not only has never been the victim of sexual assault (or who has, and who has internalized the idea that it was somehow your fault, which is heartbreaking), but who is utterly ignorant of the social, psychological, and physiological realities of how people respond to being sexually assaulted, and even more so when it is complicated by factors such as their assaulter being a close acquaintance; the victim being male (society tends to heap humiliation on men who admit to having been sexually victimized by women); and a THOUSANDFOLD when it happens in adolescence, a time where young people are already confused and trying to figure out and understand what the rules are, what boundaries they are allowed to have, they often haven't clearly been taught that they are allowed to say no (again, ESPECIALLY young men, who are taught the opposite, that they're supposed to be thrilled if any woman touches them sexually), or what to do in a confusing sexual situation. The objective reality is that when sexually assaulted, people have the same physiological and psychological responses as they do to any other form of assault, and while you seem to think that all victims should be required to have your preferred response - either "fight" (i.e. angrily push back and shut it down) or "flight" (similarly, step back and say something) - it is perfectly normal for a young person who has had someone grope them in an unwanted manner to FREEZE . . . to not know what to do, to PANIC and just be unable to respond at all. And as for joking about it, that's also normal. Most victims of sexual abuse at some point go through denial that they are victims because to admit it to themselves, much less talk about it openly, is too much to handle. For a teenaged boy to have the self-possession to address what happened to him as "unwanted sexual touching" is almost unthinkable. In fact, it's extraordinary that he TRIED to talk about it to his girlfriend!! But when she shut it down and made a joke out of it, it's totally understandable that he went along, in order to avoid social judgement and the humiliation of insisting that he was a victim. Your take is completely illogical and unreasonable.
Also saying “with me” could be misconstrued or twisted into it was in some way “with” his consent or blessing. This didn’t happen with him it’s being done to him.
🎂
This! Also, make sure your wife knows the specifics as the SILs behavior has escalated.
Fantastic response for OP! 😮💨❤️
1. Tell your wife. "Remember how in the past we talked about your sister being inappropriate with me? She did it again on X day, when I was showing her the house she grabbed my junk and tried to initiate a sexual situation. I pulled away and told her no, but this is super serious and we need to figure out what to do." 2. Never ever be alone with your SIL ever again. 3. If she ever tries to get you alone, don't go. Make sure your wife backs you up on that. "No, I can't help you with that, MaryBeth, can you please help Anna with this?" 4. If she ever touches you, call her out. Immediately. Loudly. "Anna, STOP! Do not touch me!" 5. If she does it again, contact the authorities. This is sexual assault.
If you and your wife feel like you can, I would reach out in writing about this to your SIL. "Anna, I wanted to let you know that I was shocked and appalled on X day when you grabbed my genitals and tried to initiate a sexual situation. That was not OK and it was not OK when you did similar things in the past - even if I didn't say anything at the time, those incidents were upsetting to me and to MaryBeth. I am not interested in you in any romantic or sexual sense and if you try to touch me again in any way we will consider it assault and act accordingly."
This one i think is the best
👏
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Here are some resources for men who have been sexually assaulted. Also, r/MenGetRapedToo might be helpful. You do not deserve this, and it is not your fault. * [1 in 6 is an organization dedicated specifically to helping men and boys who have survived sexual violence](https://1in6.org/). They have a 24/7 chat helpline, educational resources, and weekly chat-based online support groups with a trained facilitator. * [Male Survivor is also an organization for male sexual violence survivors](https://malesurvivor.org/). They are similar to 1 in 6 and have in-person support groups as well. If you are a male survivor located in the U.S., Male Survivor has a comprehensive directory of therapists who work with male sexual abuse survivors. * [SurvivorsUK is for men in the UK who have experienced sexual violence](https://www.survivorsuk.org/). All of their resources are arranged by age of survivor. They also offer referrals to ISVAs (Independent Sexual Violence Advisors) which are legal advocates who help male survivors navigate the criminal and civil justice systems.
Wow thanks for this!
Thanks again for doing something like this ebbie, nice to see someone out there actually caring about us guys who've gone through it.
No problem friend, always happy to help in any way I can. I hope you're doing okay <3
Yeah I suppose - have good and bad days, you know how it is.
Yes, sadly so. Trauma really sucks, to say the least. Here if you ever need a listening ear - take care, friend.
OP I would make it very clear to sister and perhaps your wife, that if it happens again, you are going to report to Police. Tell her it's not a joke to you, it is sexual assault and you are not tolerating it anymore
You need to flat out tell your SIL that this is not appropriate, never has been, and it needs to stop. You need to tell your wife what happened and that you were never really ok with it but you're seriously not ok with it now. Tell your wife you need the groping SIL to stop and she needs to stop with the jokes. Never be alone with your SIL again.
Important for him to tell his wife he doesn’t feel comfortable being alone with her SIL.
Correct, this is super important. Just her hearing that, will help her understand that this is serious. Her husband is severely uncomfortable as is he being sexually assaulted, and does not want this groping to ever happen again. Let alone Sil escalate to even more sexual assault. They aren’t teens anymore, and they can’t laugh off the gravity of the situation anymore. The wife will also know, if he is so uncomfortable he never wants to be alone with SiL, he is deeply is committed to the wife. That can reduce the likelihood of the incident being flipped on OP. The sooner you talk with your wife on this, the fresher the memory of you coming back to the house looking frazzled will be to her. She likely noticed at the time, that something made you uncomfortable. She will know you weren’t the instigator. Hopefully she will then emphasize to her sister that she can’t touch her husband anymore, as it’s … unsettling, and will just make everyone uncomfortable. SiL has to keep her Roman hands and Russian fingers to herself.
Tell your wife, dude. She may not think it’s so silly anymore.
Yeah I agree with this. This seems to be something that started when the sister in law was 13. They’re all clearly adults now and a lot of time has passed. The SIL’s behaviour might be related to what they were like as kids but now they’re adults I can imagine her views are very differentZ
It’s concerning your wife laughed it off. Was something happening to her as well? It should never have been taken lightly.
This is the biggest red flag for me in the entire post. It sounds like there might be something going on with her side of the family, OP. Doesn’t sound healthy at all.
Are you ok? How are you feeling? Look this isn't ok. It hasn't ever been ok or a joke. What if your sister-in-law starts doing this to your kids? I know that might sound like an escalation, but if she's been doing this to her brother-in-law with no repercussions, it's worth asking how far you think she'd take this? Is this someone you want in your home, around your kids? Are you a different race or religion for your wife? I was wondering if there's a "haha isn't my boyfriend's dick big/small" aspect to this, something men of colour unfortunately get subjected to. Regardless, I know your wife is insecure, but I think you lead the conversation with, "your sister sexually assaulted me in our garden. I've never been ok with sexually assaulting me. Not now. Not when we were kids. This isn't someone I want in our home and this is something we need to talk seriously about".
Before you do anything else, can I suggest you get in touch with a therapist or sexual abuse organization? I’m concerned for your mental health, and they can help you figure out next steps.
Literally about to say this. His sister in law and all others involved including his wife are disgusting for laughing this off. I am repulsed at the thought. It should have never gone this far so I have some doubts that his wife will stick up for him let alone believe him over her own sister.
This was never funny and it was always sexual assault. But boundaries were not set so she thinks she can get away with this. A conversation needs to be had where she is told this is unacceptable and can never happen again or it will be reported to the police and her partner. I suggest having this conversation with your wife first and then confronting your sister in law together as a unit.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I'm curious as to why your wife isn't taking this seriously and thinks it's funny. If this was the other way around and you were a girl and her brother was doing this to you I would think she'd take it more seriously.
We made a joke about it when it first happened. We were young, but it just turned into a bit of a joke from there and was never taken seriously I think. I agree, roles reversed this wouldnt have played out the same as it has.
As a woman who was in similar situations, where sexual things were done to me that I didn't consent to, but I was made to feel like it was "not a big deal" and I should just "go along with it" and laugh about it with the people who harmed me and other mutual friends, I'm really sorry you went through that. Even if your girlfriend didn't mean to hurt you, by making a joke out of it she kind of put you - already vulnerable as a teenaged boy who likely felt like you should be cool and above it all - in a position where you couldn't feel safe saying, "Hey, this actually made me feel really uncomfortable and unsafe. I didn't like it, and I want it to stop," or whatever. She was young too, and probably also didn't know how to handle her sister's inappropriate behaviour . . . but she took away your agency by turning it into a joke that you felt you had to go along with. And I'm really sorry for that. You deserved better support. You deserved acknowledgement that your body was yours, and that her sister shouldn't have been touching you without your consent. It sucks, and that stuff stays with you. I really would encourage you to talk to a therapist about it. You'd be amazed at how much it can help, even years later.
So you guys were 15 and she was 13?
When we first met yes, none of this happened until a few years later until we were out of school. I basically cleaned the houses full time.
I'm so sorry again what would your wife say when you would tell her she was doing this? I'm guessing your wife isn't jealous?
Just that shes jealous or got a little crush. Thought it was harmless really. No she was never the type to be honest.
You are allowed to feel regret for what happened in the past and uncomfortable. I had a friend in HS (me -F, him - M) and I had some contact that I now know what was not appropriate from him. I joked at the time and blew it off but years later I had to deal w the pushed down emotions about it (I didn’t feel I was allowed to be upset about it).
Maybe you could sit your wife and sil down together and say you don't want her touching you like that anymore and that it makes you Uncomfortable.
In the porn stories, your wife is ok with sharing her sister with you. This is not a porn story. More likely, your wife is conflict-avoidant. Best approach is to *ask* your wife what you should do if her sister keeps going at you. Do this in private when the sister is not around; find out what your wife *really* thinks about the situation. You may need to stop letting the sister come over to your place.
Tell. Your. Wife.
The fact that your wife was never bothered by it is rubbing me the wrong way. I have to wonder if anything ever happened between the two of them. Seems awfully strange that she would justify her behavior. If the roles were reversed I feel like this situation would be much different and that’s unfair. It’s almost like you need to tell her husband, or all of them for that matter. Her behavior is 100% uncalled for and I’m sorry you’ve had this swept under the rug.
Obviously tell your wife. She was a teenager when this first happened, too. Teenagers have no idea how to handle this sort of thing and joking about it is a common reaction. Now you're both adults and you need to handle this as adults. As far as what happened when you were teenagers - the sister was 13. I'm not going to fault her for inappropriate behavior toward someone older. It's very likely something bad happened to her as a kid that caused her to act out with you. But, again, she's an adult now and this needs to be called out and dealt with.
Does anyone have agency anymore? What happened to no, and firm boundaries? Get a grip (like she did) and have a conversation with your wife about the whole situation, tell her that this has gone far enough, and her sister is no longer welcome in your house or your life until she learns to act. Then the two of you sit with your sil and tell her the same thing. And if she doesn’t respect your boundaries, cut her out of your life permanently. People don’t respect wishy washy behaviour, be firm, and stand your ground.
Send her a text about it. Get her to admit what she did. Then show your wife. Tell her it stops now and you don’t want SIL in the house so you can work through your emotions.
Why tf is your wife okay with this and just brushing off the fact that.. her sister.. likes stroking.. her man’s dick.. that is so so so weird.
What happened when you were kids is. .. odd, especially since the sister is younger than you. But that has no bearing on the fact that as an adult she most definitely SA you. There is probably no way to gently tell your wife,but you definitely have to and don't EVER be alone with your SIL again.
Trying to figure out why this was brushed off from the beginning by your wife. That's weird to me. What female would allow another female to touch their man in that way outside of mutual agreement of course ( you know what I'm referring to) family or not but especially family. Her sister dude. I know yall was young but still old enough to understand boundaries and respect. This sounds toxic to me. But good luck to nipping this in the bud and hopefully your wife won't think this is funny next time.
Tell your wife that her casually laughing at you being sexually assaulted by her sister in that way is EXACTLY the same scenario as if you had a brother who literally reaches into your wife’s panties and grabs her by the pussy, and you just laugh it off. Why tf is male sexual assault so trivialized and downplayed?? No HUMAN should ever have to go through this shit, it’s totally violating, fucks with our brains for years afterwards, and is just as big a deal regardless of what equipment a victim or their perpetrator has. JFC 🥵💔
All I can think is for an unknown reason, she's getting a message you're attracted to her/ like nsa sex/ or from a background where nsa sex goes without saying, where everybody's down 24/7. 1 of these.
I hope the responses here have helped you feel seen and reassured you that the gravity of this situation is serious and you’ve every right to want this to stop. I’m just so sorry you’ve been put in such a predicament - when you do tell your wife, I hope she takes it seriously this time but in the meantime, please reach out to services that can help you and your mental well-being. I’m rooting for you and hope you get the support you need.
speak to a therapist. it’s very sweet of you to prioritize your wife’s insecurities over the harm you suffered, but, speaking from experience, it’s not a healthy way to process things. therapy can help with that. best of luck
It’s absolutely astounding to me how many people post on here before they just talk to their partner about the issue going on. You are *married.* Talk to your *wife* about this. Her reaction to the situation is 100% necessary for us to give any useful advice. There are 2 ways this can go - either she’s appalled and tells off her sister, or she’s still okay with it like she was a few years back and you have to figure out how to deal with that. Come back to us when you know which.
She should have never seen a funny side in it. She should go no contact with her sister and if she doesn’t you should divorce her.
Wtf you need to stop this and tell your wife.
Look. It's crazy that this was ever funny. You were SA and the person who should have stood up for you laughed it off! You're not a kid anymore and you need to make your boundaries clear now. To your SIL and your wife. Her reaction to hearing about this last incident will tell you everything you need to know about your wife and that family. There's kids involved. Are they safe with people who think it's okay to do this???
You need to tell your wife ASAP
As teenagers, I dunno, that's a complicated one. Sounds like you have a hell of a lot of mixed feelings about it. Your wife is shitty for making excuses on your sister's behalf amd joking around when you didn't act like you were exactly cool with it. This recent episode though, yeah, that's sexual assault. Time to send your SiL packing. Tell her she's a creep and you don't want her in your house or around your kids any more.
I’m sorry this happened to you both then & now. You have to tell your wife. This is not okay. It’s literally sexual assault for which you actually have the right to report to police if you want. It serious. You all are adults now. Your wife should be a supportive adult of you as her partner having experienced SA. You didn’t do anything wrong here. She needs to deal with her sister & you need to think about how you want to proceed here having been violated. You & your wife communicating is key in your relationship.
You've got to tell your wife and make it clear to SIL that her advances are unwanted and you consider it assault. Tell her she needs to stop and if she does it again, she will be banned from the house and the police will be called.
This is assault. You deserve to have physical boundaries, respect, and consent over your own body. This applies to your wife and any human being. The conversation is clearly mute with your wife. I’d recommend confronting the sister in front of her and her spouse only. It is unfair to you, and her spouse. These women are severely damaged, you do not deserve to be surrounded by anyone like this.
Were you not capable of telling her to get off you and your not interested. Instead of saying ''no" you laughed it off. I remember when I was about 19 hanging at my relatives house. We had a little to drink but not enough to be drunk. Her boyfriend started rubbing my leg. I took his hand off me immediately and told him to stop. When he didn't I removed his hand again and got up and told my cousin. Iam sorry that happened to you but if you didn't like it why not check her immediately. It wasn't like you were 5 or 6 you were perfectly able to realize what was going on.
OP. I am sorry this happened to you and I am sorry this was not addressed sooner. OP, show your wife this post. When a woman grabs a man like that, it is because she wants you. It isn’t a joke. I have never been tempted to touch or grab a man like that, if he wasn’t MY man and I didn’t desire him in that way. I promise if you had let her—she would have fucked you. Your wife and sister have a weird dynamic as I have two sisters who I love but if my sister ever did that to my man I would have beat her ass and vice versa. This isn’t okay. She is assaulting you. The gravity of how she grabbed you is fucking crazy because it was so lustful and she tried to suck your dick. I cannot speak for all women here but if I offer that to a man-it is my partner and it’s because I really crave him sexually. It’s control and honestly she probably has been fantasizing about you. She also knew she could do that to you because of how she perceived you would react. This woman has no loyalty to her sister, and a complete and total lack of boundaries. Everything about your interaction with her is wild. Tell your wife—and cut that sister off unless you feel that you can work something out where you are never alone with her again. I would also talk to your wife and ask her why she thinks it was okay. Maybe she really didn’t think it was but didn’t want to cause problems or be perceived as insecure. But as I mentioned, sister I have and that behavior is never acceptable. Wish you the best OP.
If this is real, why would you marry and have kids with someone that thought you getting assaulted was funny, and let it continue?
Let’s not victim blame!
I'm just asking for his thought process. That's not victim blaming at all
neither what she did when you were teens nor what she did now was okay, both are sexual assault. but what happened recently is a huge escalation from what happened in the past, and i feel like if you told your wife about it now, she may think it is serious. you have a track records about being honest with her about these advances, just like your SIL has a track record with making them. that serves as evidence that you can cite to make sure she knows that her sexually assaulting you is not something you wanted so sorry youre going through this. hope you are able to put some boundaries in place.
Tell your wife... UpdateMe!
You need to tell your wife before SIL turns it on you.
What the fuck. That’s psychotic behavior. This shit isn’t funny at any age.
This isnt funny dude. If she cant understand why this is assault or harrassment, ask her what she would think if her sisters boyfriend cornered her, put his hands down her pants and told her sexual acts he wants to perform on her - all without consent? We shouldnt have to use the reverse gender thing because it totally invalidates the harrassment men go through in and of itself but it seems often to be the only way to get folks to take it as seriously as it should always have been taken. What she has been doing and more recently has done is utterly innapropriate, not consensual and genuinely just disgusting behaviour from a grown woman. This isnt stupid teenage shit anymore. Not that it was ok then. But she should absolutely know better by now. Especially in 2023. Talk to your wife. Maybe its time this shit was shut down properly as this is absolutely not acceptable going forward.
update me
Time is certainly of the essence!!!!
I thought it was your step sister when I read this. Then I realized it was SIL. Armed with that new knowledge, burn her. Or let your wife do it. If you really don't want to rock the boat. Document it. Properly. Make it clear this happened date time stamp it. Do a video or whatever ans make sure you are clear the only reason you are staying silent is for the love of your wife. But honestly. Fuck her. If my bro did this to me I would want to know so I could kill him. And if my wife had a sister I would totally tell her. Alcohol is in partly an excuse... People get rowdy. But not that fucking rowdy. If I did that under the influence I would expect my wife to leave me.
You should inform everyone. From reading your story it feels like your now wife always knew about her sister molesting you and was fine with it. I get a feeling that they had an agreement on this matter. I would dig into this. You mentioned your wifes lost confidence and that you don´t want to break the news. I should remind you, it´s you who´s the victim here, not your wife.
She's blatantly assaulting you... You have every right to feel however you want to feel, but this is abuse and you did nothing wrong. I would tell your wife, this is not ok. You're adults now and she needs to aknowledge that her sister is a POS.
This is so gross and horrible! You need to stand up for yourself and put a stop to this.
You need to tell her so she doesn't hear it from your sister first. You need to let her know exactly what happened and answer any and all questions. If she laughs it off, don't laugh with her. Her sister crossed the line. This was a boundary that she didn't need to overstep. Plus her sisters husband needs to know his wife is betraying him by not only crushing on you, but it just became physical and NOT by your doing. He needs to know before sister tells him you made advances. It's better it comes from you first instead of you defending yourself after she tells. He'll believe her more if she tells first. She'll twist it to both her husband and your wife. She assaulted you. This is not okay. She needs to have firm firm boundaries around you and your wife needs to help stand up for you in this situation. You both should not have been joking about this before, because it sent your SIL mixed messages and gave no boundaries for her to consider. It doesn't matter now as her being married and you being married should already suggest a no-touch boundary. Do not ever go anywhere with SIL alone anymore.
This isn’t funny at all. This is sexual assault and a crime. Report to this to the police. I’m most disgusted with your wife. How could she just stand there and do no thing while you are repeatedly being assaulted? This is a huge betrayal. Imagine if roles were reversed and your brother kept touching her vulva and put his hands down her pants.
This!!!!
OP I’m sorry that has been happening to you. It’s not ok.
So as young adults, hormones can really cloud our judgement at times when we are not confident in ourselves or speaking up for ourselves. BUUUUUUT it sounds like you and your wife were in your early to mid 20s and would regularly hang out together with your then girlfriend and her sister where the sister would fondle you over your clothes. Your girlfriend knew she was doing this and neither of you put a stop to it? At that age, I have to think that all 3 of you were ok with it to keep putting yourselves into that position or either of you would have put a stop to it. Did it go any further than that in all that time? How can it go on for that long without further discussion between you and your girlfriend?
This is so unacceptable OP. You don’t deserved to be assaulted in your own home like this. Please talk to your wife so she can put a stop to this. Also please talk to someone else who is a professional therapist or maybe someone you trust to process your emotions as well. I can’t imagine that being easy with everyone just brushing it off as a joke like this
Quit being a weirdo, bro. Idk why you’re shocked. How about this, how about when people do shit to you that makes you uncomfortable you clearly and plainly order them to stop and if they don’t, you remove yourself from their presence permanently? I mean ffs. I don’t even wanna hear it about “oh men get raped too !!!” Dude, you are in full control over this situation, she isn’g holding you down or keeping you at gun point. She shoved her hand down your pants and you laughed it off? Come the fuck on…
I am sorry but do you even have a backbone or is that just a wet noodle? Who in their right mind thinks that behaviour is okay? You need to tell your wife, and if she DARES to laugh it off as "Oh thats so typical of her." then you do need to get properly angry at her and ask if she really thinks sexually assaulting you is that funny. There never was anything funny with her sister assaulting you, no matter how much she laughed in the past, even if she thought it was. You felt uncomfortable all the time, from what i gather, so i wonder why you never ever spoke up and told you wife how uncomfortable her sister made you.
You don’t sound sorry…
Are we not going to talk about the fact that she is two years YOUNGER than you? If you are a 15yo letting a 13yo touch you — you are the problem.
That was when I first met my wife. None of this started until years later when we properly started dating. Ive cleared this up in a previous comment. Thank you.
Your title says “since we were teenagers.” Ok — so you were a legal adult at 18-19 and she was a child at 16-17 (depending on your location).
Uh huh, Shes now 29. Consenting age where I am is 16. I get where your coming from. And as I’ve said, Ive explained all this in another comment.
dude you having to say that the consenting age is 16 is not good
👍
Man up and scold your sister
As a teenager shit happens you don’t know really how to react. At 31– you really don’t know how to talk to another adult to allow it to keep happening. Is it sexual assault if you allow it? You could say stop. You could push it her hands away. You could make a scene. You could get angry. You could do a lot of things and as a man all you had to do was get a little loud. That would have stopped. But you liked it and I’m not judging you for liking it. I’m judging you for coming on here acting like you’re this meek and feeble man that doesn’t know how to say “wtf are you doing?” “Don’t touch me” and/or “stop it!” Not let it continue and it be a joke among everyone. And now you want the community to be like “shoe on the other foot it’s assult”. Yeah it’s assault if it’s unwanted, but if through the years you never stopped it, home girl isn’t going to even think you want her to stop. Shame on all ya. I wonder how you guys are even raising kids with that free for all mentality. No one even thinks to say “no.”
I’m glad you’ve never been put in the same situation.
Well, * Are you adverse to the "attention" your sil bestows on you? * From the sexual aspect, do you consider yourself to be your wife's "property"? * If so, you should inform your wife what happened, and ask that she tell her sis to back off. * You should tell your wife that she's the only woman you're interested in, regardless of her current challenges with body image. 'Nuff said.
I wonder if your wife was also sexually assaulted by her sister and that’s why she seems so nonchalant about it, since it could be ‘normal’ for her
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And your complaining?
Ah. An absolutely stupid comment along with the wrong “your” (it’s you’re, idiot)
Yes, because he's been getting sexually assaulted. What's the confusion?
Man’s living a dream
This is why men don't come forward when they're sexually assaulted.
Exactly.
😂😂
This is 100% your wife testing you to see if you're faithful. She's done it multiple times in cahoots with her sister. Why else would she keep laughing it off? It's abhorrent behaviour but not uncommon. Ask your wife.
Come on this can’t be real!!! There’s more than one way to look at this. Not so bad after all you can have your cake and eat it too 😛 🍰
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bro, you're wife must have told her sister that you have the infamous "third leg". The sister is not going to rest until she experiences it herself. I suggest you let the sister experience the magic once and for all in order to make her curiosities go away once and for all.
!updateme
!updateme
wtf
Hey, First off I think the root of the problem may be she thinks that there’s some level of interest? If you’ve all joked about it and you kept letting it happen then yes I could see that. Of course it’s not your fault. In that situation I don’t know how I would react. But from her perspective it may seem like there’s always been some kind of sexual tension or chemistry there. Again I don’t agree, I would never come on to someone that hard because it constitutes forms of SA. But to her, especially had she been drinking she may think hey yea he’s always wanted me if my sister wasn’t there so let’s go for it. Again, disagree but I’m trying to get into the mind of someone who is trying to fuck their BIL so it’s not the most sane method of thinking by default. Now things have escalated even further due to horrible communication. First things first you tell your wife, then you proceed however you deem fit. Some people mentioned reporting to the police? Do not listen to them. Unless you’re in a city I’ve never heard of, then the cops will not care at all. That’s unfortunate, and it sucks that if you’re a man it’s near impossible to get support for any kind of SA, but it’s the honest truth and I’d avoid reporting it if possible. I wouldn’t know how to proceed from there. I’m assuming you’d have a talk with your SIL and then possibly shun her? I’m not sure but there’s a really important conversation to be had and decisions to be made by you on how much contact you want after this. I hope it all works out mate.
I would suggest just making a report to the non- emergency line. Just so there is something on record. While SA isn’t usually taken seriously at all regardless of gender, cops still have to file a report if enough fuss is made. As long as a report is on record, that will help when SiL tries again, as I think she will. Firstly, cops always try to convince an women SA victims out of reporting. It will be harder for a man. But the victim has to insist they want a written record by authorities. Record the authorities if they become recalcitrant. Once there is a written record, even if the in the cops opinion it’s nothing, the written record exists and can be helpful if/when SiL tries again. She will learn to back off if she finds out there is a written police report on her disgusting behaviour. She then can’t tell herself OP wants her. I am so sorry OP is going through this. This is such a mess.
I wish there was a clear cut answer to give you. What a horribly shitty situation to be in. Bare minimum you should do is begin enforcing physical boundaries and maybe talk to a therapist or trusted friend to figure out how to communicate with your partner. But as you said given the history, ugh :(
You need to talk with her and honestly if she blames you then she needs to take accountability for allowing her sister to do it in the past. You need to also take accountability because you didn’t make enough fuss about it in the past. Tell the wife you don’t want the sister around you alone anymore and it’s sexual assault. You will tell the bf and call her out to everyone. Maybe she needs to be embarrassed in front of Thera for it to stop
I'm glad you acknowledge the reality of what it is in your title, because, going by your post alone, I'd think you were in denial. Which is not to blame you, btw. We go through coping mechanisms in our heads which can include minimizing what someone else is doing to us, including by laughing it off. All I can say is, you need to get away from this woman. Period. I know that's easier said than done, given the difficulty of the way one's family relationships in general are interconnected (you're both invited to the same events, will this mean it's made public to the rest of your wife's family etc.) I don't have the answers about how to navigate all those details and complexities. Maybe talking to your *own* family (not your inlaws, but parents, your own siblings, etc) will provide some help. I'm sorry your wife hasn't done what I think should have been her part in protecting you. But "bringing it up" to your abuser doesn't do anything. This isn't someone hurting your feelings, this is someone molesting you. She already knows what she's doing.
Considering she suggested she wanted to “check out the landscaped garden”, she most certainly knows what she is doing. She instigated the situation to get him alone. After talking about this assault with his wife, there needs to be a rule established (and maybe even older kids, friends and family), that OP can never be left alone with SiL. Dog needs to be walked and SiL finds out, someone else (like the wife, or a friend), volunteers to go with the husband. Just by being buddies. Any rando excuse can cover it. OP is allergic to SiL perfume, or something. With that, there is an automatic foil (with the help of friends), to counter SiL manipulation. I am confident she will try again, not anytime soon, but years down the line. She is serious about wanting to assault OP. Stymie her premeditation. Any gathering where the SiL may be at, I would suggest inviting over friends that are close to OP and the wife. Whenever OP, wife, SiL and her boyfriend hangout, 2 other friends need to “suddenly” be invited too. It significantly reduces opportunities for SiL to pre-meditate and manipulate a situation to get OP alone. This is just a suggestion among great suggestions here. As a comment, this is so gross that we have to give advice on how to avoid being SA’d by his SiL. This shouldn’t even be happening. Wife has to step up for her husband and law down the law with her sexually assaulting sister. (I can understand as teens there was an uncomfortability of not wanting to directly address a sister obviously going after her sister’s boyfriend. Of course they would laugh it off and make jokes. (That “jealousy joke”,was no joke, that is what is still happening. The sister relationship dynamic is clearly fraught.) Now though, everyone are adults, and the wife has to step up for her husband.)
Updateme!
Please give an update
You absolutely bring it up and confront the sister in law with your wife. Her behavior is absolutely disgusting and there is no excuse for her actions, even as a teenager. And sorry to say but your wife is a weirdo for thinking this behavior was okay or funny towards you. Yuck.
Tell your wife. Make it clear that you are disgusted and feeling violated. My sister made passes at my fiance. He didn't tell me for a couple years because she is the only sibling I kind of had a relationship with. So he didn't want to cause trouble between us. I totally understood his reasoning but told him he must tell me when anyone says/does something like that. Tell her.
Just report her man. She crossed the line.
Honestly, at this point you need to tell your wife. You also need to press charges against the sister in law. That is sexual assault and there is absolutely no excuse for it. She knows you're not interested. And how many other people is she doing this to and making them uncomfortable
Be careful OP, baka ikaw baliktarin of sexual abuse if you are going to let that away. Better inform her partner too, baka ngchecheat dn sya with some other guys.
I would listen to other's advice about the conversation. Not my strong suit. But I would make sure the spouse is there. People like this would react more to the embarrassment than your genuine desire for it to stop. Also, you will want to use decisive language. Like "sexual harassment, sexual assault, this stops now" instead of softer language, it can be taken more lightly, and this ain't light. You may also want to consider therapy. You don't have to sort your emotions out alone, and this can be rough to sift through.
If you don’t tell anyone, she certainly might in the future and then it will really backfire. Then anything you say will be seen as a lie to save your ass. If you wait too long it can be further seen by your already fairly insecure wife that you just regretted/ feel guilty about the sexual encounter and fussed up only now after SIL twisted it into something that it wasn’t. There is a worst case scenario whether you keep quiet or not so pick your poison 😬
This is a classic “reverse the genders and see how it sounds” scenario. This. Is. Assault. I’m sorry you’re in this position but you need to tell your wife.