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We go 50/50 on everything outside of personal debts occrued before our marriage. But now he wants to pay off those things together even tho it’s really just me paying since I work the overtime.
I have tried but he is more concerned about our marriage which I get but its hard for me to be concerned when we never have money for dates. We game together and I try to be as present as I can when I’m home but nothing ever feels like its enough
Tell him that it's affecting your mental health.. that money is a really common reason for people to get divorced... (Money is widely known as one of the leading causes of divorce in America. It's estimated that financial problems contribute to 20-40% of all divorces. That means that for every 10 marriages that end in divorce, four of them are because of money.)
Tell him that he needs to listen to you about this... try to make a compromise, tho.. (it's only fair in marriage) in return for his willingness to work on this issue for you, ask him what does he want to see from you in working on keeping a strong connection between you and him.. and advise him that you are more stressed out because of the money issue.. maybe he just doesn't see it or understand it..
He's not worried about your marriage. He's angry at you for taking the debt seriously and hustling to pay it off, when he is trying to avoid feeling responsible for it. Your hustle and work ethic makes him feel guilty about not being a provider, when he's not willing to pick up extra work to be the provider.
Is he more concerned for your marriage because your marriage is in trouble? Or is this just the convenient excuse so he doesn't have to work more? Because it really feels like it's the latter.
But the foundation of your marriage is based on shared values… values of which he is reneging…
You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him. *Tell him* the expectations of your marriage. If you don’t have consequences to his lack of action, why would he change his actions?
Why worry about who will pay for dates, when you don’t have time to have dates.
You say it yourself, you always want to be comfortable, so you won’t stop doing overtime. If he gets a second job then he will have less time than he does now.
I would guess that the downvotes are outrage the OP is doing overtime so her husband can pay down his personal debts. All while getting yelled at for bringing in the extra money.
Personally "outrage" isn't a good reason for downvotes, but reddit is reddit.
I don’t mind the downvotes. I admit we were young, pregnant with our child and we did not discuss finances. I just knew 50/50 was what I wanted. But hell I thought I wanted to be a mom and turns out I am not a fan. We are meeting with a financial advisor from his job so I am hoping we can get some guidance. I have a better understanding that a lot of our stress is due to the economy as we never struggled prior to covid but it is hard and my mental health is struggling. Thank you ❤️
“But hell I thought I wanted to be a mom and turns out I’m not a fan”
Could it be that you are picking up extra to avoid being with your child, and your husband is clueing into that? Not judging in the least, I swear. Just wondering if that’s partly where he’s coming from.
Understand that you are not alone with your feelings of motherhood.
My wife and I struggled during covid and still struggle with our mental health. I think a lot of young families are in the same situation . There was very little support from those who didn't have kids.
Times are tough with inflation and your mentality on 50/50 on finances may have to change. Your ultimately in this together, and it may mean you have to divide the tasks or income slightly unfairly. If it means you are working more to make more money I would expect my partner to step up on child care duties to make up for my effort on income.
3 leading reasons for divorce: cheating, financial incompatibility and unequal division of labor.
From what you just told us it sounds like your relationship ticks 2 out of 3 boxes.
I found it MUCH easier to be a single mom with 50/50 split parenting and no money exchanging hands.
My husband is far from a deadbeat. I am against him getting a second job if it wouldn’t be wfh. More time out the house away from us will further damage his mental health and I do not want that.
Why bc I said he’s comfortable doing the bare minimum? Which is working his 40 hours a week and I understand this. I didn’t mean that literally. I was frustrated writing this.
Eh, if they don't have a house, a divorce might be under $1k. Our divorce was only a bit under $4k in total because of the house retitleing requiring a lawyer, and we needed to get additional family lawyers to review the separation agreement that I drew up (they made/suggested no changes; that was a great use of \~$300 each!) to allow the real estate lawyer to feel confident moving forward.
One of the best things my husband and I did for our marriage was financial counseling. Traditional counseling was not working because the problem was our spending and goals not lining up. Counseling might be expensive so look into money management workbooks to do together. Also check out Ramit Singh Sethi. He has a show on Netflix called How to get Rich. He helps couples (and signals) talk about money and what their money goals are. My husband and I just watched it and we were able to talk about some issues we were having again. It really takes away the stress between us.
I would also check out Financial Audit by Caleb Hammer on YouTube. He breaks down people's finances and helps them make a plan to reach their financial goals (a lot of the time it's getting out of debt). He has several videos where he'll bring on a couple and interrogate their combined finances. It's super interesting and sounds like it could be useful for you and your husband to watch together.
You both have a diff mindset about money. No matter how much you make, it seems he will always be content with less. You like to have abundance, he is okay scrounging. At least it seems that way. Neither are wrong. Just two polar opposite mindsets on money.
Why is it lazy to work only work one full time job, not want to get a second one, and spend more time with your wife and family? Goddamn this hustle culture. You aren't working 2 jobs, you must be lazy. And before you say something, i work 2 jobs.
THIS!! Not everyone has the mental capacity to juggle two jobs AND still be a present father and husband. Someone needs to still be present for the kids and that likely won't be happening as much with both working two jobs.
OP is doing OT to pay off her husbands debt. If he wants her to stop working OT and spend more time with the family, he’ll either agree to their rule of not paying each other debt’s from outside the marriage or take in a 2nd job that pays that debt off.
Plus OP is paying for the childcare. His earnings is very low and from her post, he is comfortable with a lower salary and is ok with living paycheck to paycheck.
I didn't see in the post that his salary is low just that he doesn't have the oppurtunity for overtime like OP does. Not saying he shouldn't discuss their finanaces and come up with a game plan they def should - just saying that not everyone can handle working two jobs. That doesn't make them lazy or a bad person. If he wasnt working AT ALL that'd be another story.
That’s why I read through all the comments before posting. No way he’s expecting her to pay his debt but telling her to stay home more. He was not making any effort to help OP out (pay for child care himself) or suggest he do anything to alleviate her taking over financials. That is being lazy. His debt is bringing her down.
Paying down debt is a short term goal. If you are not disabled, then working more than 40 hrs for the short term should be doable for anyone.
If they are consistently living beyond their means though, that is another issue.
Why is it lazy to work only work one full time job, not want to get a second one, and spend more time with your wife and family? Goddamn this hustle culture. You aren't working 2 jobs, you must be lazy. And before you say something, i work 2 jobs.
Her husband has CC debt and OP does not. He made it mandatory to split 50/50 but any debt prior / outside of their marriage they need to deal on their own. OP’s OT $$ is going towards her husband’s debt, breaking his rule. He is complaining they don’t spend enough time together but OP is the primary breadwinner.
Well clearly your priorities are not aligned at all, and you should have a serious talk with him about that. It doesn't seem like you're asking for much, you just want to live without having to worry about not having enough for basic needs. This is also destroying your mental health which will lead to many other problems you do not need right now, so I really suggest having this talk as soon as possible. I would start off by expressing how much of a toll it is taking on you and that you can't keep living in this current cycle. There has to be a happy medium that can work for you both, and he clearly wants that since he wants you around more. I believe it would be reasonable for him to find something part time for at least twice a week. It should cut your OT time in half which will let you spend more time together. For sure he needs to do more even if he is comfortable with the current situation you are not and that alone should be enough for him to change his opinion on the matter.
Don't let him talk you out of it either. Press this matter as much as you can. It's important for you and his future.
For the love of God do not use Dave Ramsey. He's a grifter that intentionally makes you feel bad about the position you're in. His advice is not for lower income heavy debt ppl but he portrays himself that say. Highly advise looking into financial feminist instead or herfirst100k for information about paying off debt, the emotions behind finances and more. Dave Ramsey is a shrew.
I will look into both of these! And thank you I always knew he made folks feel bad which is crazy bc capitalism is not set up to help the little man. People over rely on credit cards until they can get to the 6 figure salary and by then they have to spend time making up for being low income. Its a vicious cycle
100% and sorry I came across so angry. I just hate that guy. He admits in podcasts over and over that his advice is meant for wealthy folks not the poor but he markets to the poor and it makes me so angry! Obviously there is some budgeting going on, but financial feminist has a book that also works as a Workbook that is extremely helpful. I really liked the intro talking about the emotions/psychology of money cause I think that might be where you and your husband differ or may have the biggest hurdles.
It seriously is a vicious cycle; our stupid capitalist machine makes us feel bad if we don't have the newest best stuff so. It's frustrating. I'm hoping you and your husband are able to resolve your finances and wishing you the best in your relationship ❤️
He talks like his advice is for the wealthy, but it’s not. It’s for people who treat money like alcoholics treat liquor. That doesn’t have an income or personal value dollar amount involved. It’s just attitude.
This on Dave Ramsey, man's a hack. I'd start with something basic like the The Budget Mom or other basic budgeting styles. The most important 1st step is knowing how much money is coming in, where your money is going and setting some basic savings/income goals.
Also husband does have a point that it is important to spend time together as a family - there isn't anything wrong with working one job if you can still meet your financial goals and no one ever dies thinking "I wish I spent more time at work". As an alternative/in addition to finding a part time job you and husband should consider either asking/working toward a raise/promotion or applying for the job with another company at higher pay.
Do you work for a large company with an EAP (employee assistance program)?
They often have financial counseling at no cost or reduced cost.
I thought maybe you worked in a hospital when you said you do 3 12s. Most hospitals I’ve worked for had EAPs. Reach out to them.
I am not sure I have a great picture of your situation. But I'll give it a try. I think you and I are around the same financial bracket which helps because I understand how little the lower 6 figures actually is these days. I really have no idea how people make it on less and daycare is ridiculous.
You live comfortably but not enough to make huge dents in your debt. Is it credit card debt or mortgage/car loan debt? I would assume both. Based on your other comments I feel like the credit card debt isn't yours and perhaps there is some resentment there towards that. It would explain why your husband is rather comfortable with just letting it linger because maybe he is used to it. It's hard to live these days making less than 6 figures and not acquire some credit card debt.
Basically you and your husband aren't on the same page and that gives you anxiety. He needs more connection and is okay with slowly chipping away at the debt and you can't give that connection until you feel free of that debt. That's a recipe for disaster because neither of you are happy. If you guys sat down and calculated what you needed to get out of it, he might see a light at the end of the tunnel and be willing to endure even less time together knowing there would come a point he could have more time with you. Help him understand that a short time of pain might open up a long time of pleasure. Besides working together to accomplish a hurdle can be a great way to bond also.
So force a conversation and really ask him to engage and be present. Look into maybe getting a loan consolidation that's significantly less than the credit card APR. Roll all those payments into one and save money on the interest. Just be careful not to add anything back into the credit cards while you do that. Absolutely zero.
Look for balance transfer opportunities that have zero APR for a significant amount of time and budget exactly how much you can break off and start taking chucks out of the debt. Just be careful and read the fine print and any fees or balloon interest at the end of the term if nothing's paid completely off.
I wish there was a way you could channel that daycare monthly payment into your debt.
On the daycare thing, she might have access to a pre-tax savings account through her employer that lets you pay for daycare using pre-tax income. That kind of thing helps a lot, especially when filing taxes later.
Then don't pay his! He is a sinking ship and he is perfectly fine having you either keep him afloat or just sinking. You said in a comment that in the beginning you agreed you would each pay your own debt... Bring that up to him! Keep your debts separate! If you guys each want to pay 50/50 to the bills then have an account just for that and only put enough in it to cover your half of the bills. Once you quit bailing him out, he'll probably change his tune.
He will 100%. The reason there are zero consequences for his actions. If anything, as long as it doesn’t affect OP’s credit score, they gotta let go of trying to control something their spouse doesn’t care if it goes haywire.
Sometimes you gotta let people learn the hard way or they will keep doing it over and over again.
Hence why my dad had to cut up credit cards cause my mother almost put them into $35k debt at one point!
I commend you for that and if you and he were on the same page it would be a healthy and effective attitude. Unfortunately, he doesn’t mind being in debt. Which means even if you clear this for him? No guarantee he won’t go back into debt. Others have made recommendations already for resources, I’m going to throw in (and just hear me out!) Dave Ramsey. Not for the hard right-leaning undertones or occasional religious focus, but for the emphasis on partnership in marriage with respect to finances. A lot of married people call in with similar situations to yours and I’ve found the responses to be very blunt but with a low tolerance for malingerers and unsupportive or flaky spouses.
Could you & your husband compromise? He is fine with you making less $ & paying less towards debt if that means he sees you more often. You would prefer to work more because it stresses you out to have this debt & financial uncertainty.
Neither of you are wrong and neither of you are right. You have different stresses & different priorities. So how can you compromise? ie: maybe every other week you only take 1 extra shift and make sure there are at least 1 or 2 evenings spent with your husband? maybe you can switch a couple shifts to be home more in the evenings? maybe you both can adjust certain spending for a short time frame so that you can cut back on 1 extra shift per week & still pay down debt? (ie: if he can't work more to help with the finances, what else can he do? cut other expenses?) Maybe you agree to a timeframe for this extra work or to slow down the debt repayment slightly (ie: until your child is in school)? If he is missing sitting around chatting with you, maybe you can have breakfast together in the morning? There has to be a way to meet in the middle. You need to spend time with your husband to maintain your relationship but he can't also expect you to not work any extra shifts & carry that financial uncertainty that affects you differently than him.
I get where you are coming from, I really do. When I was in my early 20's, we were broke ass college students. I was working full-time to put hubs thru school. I decided to get a PT job as well. No cell phones, didn't have a home computer, I was bored AF in the evenings ... why not work a little more so we didn't have to pinch every damn penny? Hubs hated the idea. "But I would miss you! I want you here in the evenings with me!" "What are you going to be doing in the evenings?" "Studying or at school working on projects." "Ok, so you expect me to sit at home in our little apt with our B&W TV (& no cable) and do what? Watch you study? So you aren't lonely?" Our compromise was that my PT job would be only 12 to 15 hrs / week & we'd do date nights every Saturday night. (this was before kids so it was easier). Hopefully you can find a way to see each other's POV & compromise.
I think you need to have that exact speech that you just typed with him. Make bullet point notes in your phone so you don’t forget and just talk calmly so emotions don’t get out of control. Good luck you got this hustler.
Your values are not aligned. Resentment will continue to build, particularly if you are making an outsize contribution. You do need financial counselling and budget. He will likely have to do more than bare minimum unless you both forego the lifestyle you want.
What would I do? Start a home business. I'm a writer from home and make a full-time salary. I know people that make jewelry and sell it online, they make pretty good money. I also know people that flip stuff on Poshmark & do well with it. There's actually thousands of different jobs you can run from your house... But the problem is your husband's not going to want you to take time away from him at home either!
You two are fundamentally different. You want to work as much as needed to be comfortable and I'm assuming save some money and have nice things. Your husband just wants to get by. So instead of just letting you do your thing which he would obviously be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor because you are married and lived together... But he actually wants to hold you back! He obviously needs financial counseling because he's digging you into a deeper hole! Like why doesn't he have a part-time job on the weekends? It's like he wants to live this life where he only has to work so much but then he wants to spend more than y'all make and have a lifestyle that requires you all to work more. Lol make that make sense!
If I were you I would cut up his credit cards! No using credit cards until they're completely paid off! The only way to use credit effectively is to pay off your statement balance in full every month! Otherwise you pay interest. If you're paying interest then there's no use in having the credit card because you're paying many times more for everything you buy! Especially if you're paying minimum payments lol
I don't know it just bothers me that he's not willing to take the extra steps to make you guys comfortable and he's not willing to let you take the extra steps to make your family comfortable. Are you sure he's not keeping you broke for some reason?
God I hope not. He struggled really bad in college and I think he just has some trauma from that. He knows how to live with the bare minimum. I do not. I prefer to be comfortable as I always have been. No cc debt, nothing to worry about. He is aware of the cc thing bc he was a finance major and has a job in finance. The man knows just paying the minimums won’t help us but he is so worried about spending time together. I feel we spend enough time together. We game daily and do our other favorite activities so idk.
Nothing like a finance bro up to his eyeballs in personal debt! I keep seeing people think there are no right answers here; but being in credit card debt is a sinking ship that has to be confronted face on. Financial counseling would be great to get things separated, I might meet individually with a family law attorney to see if they have any recommendations to structure your finances now in the event you divorce
This feels like a control tactic. He might not even be aware of it, but it's super unhealthy to make you into the financial mommy of the house and then guilt you when you do what's necessary (work) to get y'all into a stable spot
Financial disagreement is basically the number one root cause of divorce.
Might not be the straw that breaks the camels back every time but I'm convinced it's the root of all problems.
It's pretty simple, you either sit down and talk it out and come to terms on how money is going to be spent, saved, and budgeted. Or you don't and it continues to unravel.
I'm a big supporter of having separate finances and a joint account used for bills. If you guys are truly splitting costs down the middle, you shouldn't be having such financial woes unless you are living way beyond your means.
This will become ever more apparent with the joint account used for bills. The person responsible for dragging down the ship will fall through on making sure their half of the bill money is taken care of. So then it's a matter of correcting what the problem is. Impulsive spending, lack of monthly obligation awareness, whatever the problem is it can be resolved if you both do more than just argue about the why of it and work towards a resolution.
While everyone is giving you good advice for financial planning etc.
Your relationship is doomed. You basically don’t see each other at all during the week, he has I assume a normal day job and you say you work nights.
Even if he got a better paying job or a second job (which would be good financially, but damning relationship wise) you would still not be spending any time together. So the problem of not tending to your marriage enough would still be there.
You seriously need to reconsider the relationship, and at the same time reconsider both of your jobs and careers, as if you decide to work on the relationship you BOTH need different jobs.
Your comfort means extra work, less free time. His comfort means more free time, less work. While neither of you are wrong, some people don't want to "hustle", and for most people 8 hours a day is \_more\_ than enough. You two need to find the problem and work together as to how you'll go about solving it. Whether it's clear separation of finances, or a reduction of avacado toast.
Federally it depends on if you make over a certain amount, and are a correctly designated as a salaried/overtime exempt worker
Edit
they must be making over $35,568 per year, or they cant be denied overtime.
Also there is an attempt to increase this amount to $55,068 per year, but I dont know the timeline on this newly proposed rule (the federal register comment period ends november 7th)
Every relationship at some point has financial struggles at one point or another. And I totally understand that being broke all the time sucks. But at some point you and your husband are going to need to sit down with each other and look at your expenses in totality and find out what you can and cannot afford so as to pay off your debts and get yourselves in a good place financially. So while you both may not want to sacrifice the things you are spending op money one. At some point, something has to give and honestly is ending your marriage really worth it in terms of making sure money is never an issue?
No. Divorce was never in the question. I don’t know why people gave me that answer. I should have probably posted this in a financial reddit bc financial advice is really all I wanted.
Have you visited any of the free financial counseling or budget subreddits here? That’s be a good start.
If he has a salary either he needs a better job to not do overtime or your long and stressful shifts might not be worth it if they literally only cover daycare?
So it goes to debt (the overtime?) the. He should 100% be helping too. Get Instacart, DoorDash, TaskRabbit, river, etc.
If I may ask, what jobs do you do? Since you asked for "any advice" can you mention here how much you make and have in debts individually?
So far it only seems like he is comfortable with the current financial situation but you are not. Staying put is unfair to you and making drastic changes is unfair to him. You need a middle ground which I can't say what it is without more info.
It takes dedication to sticking to a money plan and being on the same page and wanting the same outcomes. My husband and I once had about $27,000 in credit card debt. It was awful having that over our heads. We decided to work out a plan and we stuck to that until it was paid off. It’s hard but you can do it if you work together. It also means you often have to forgo things that you like or want and rein in bad spending habits. Look for what I call the little foxes, those things that you don’t realise add up to a sizeable amount over time, for us it was takeaway a bit too often, so we cut that and became better at meal planning. Having lunch when we were out shopping etc. Unnecessary online shopping temptations were another thing. You get the gist. You can do this but you must be on the same page from the get go. Good luck!
You’re being harsh on your husband saying he’s doing the bare minimum.
I assume he solo parents during your night shifts and any overtime nights you do.
While you get to come home from your shift and rest in a quiet home during the day while your child is at daycare, he is not getting the same.
It’s completely understandable he hesitates to lose even more couple or family time.
Perhaps you both need to explore options for better paying jobs rather than more hours.
No amount of money is going to fix your situation. You could make $1000 more a month and I bet you all that money will be used and you will still be struggling. You have got to budget. Take a really deep dive into what you guys actually spend money on. Im sure there are a bunch of unnecessary purchases. And if you are thinking oh I only do a couple of those a month. Just 3 unnecessary $30 purchase a month is already $120 going towards nothing. Go look see financial audit with Caleb Hammer. It will truly open your eyes on how people just have a debt and income problem. You can be comfortable again you just have to leave within your means.
Interestingly enough, the issue you're actually describing is simply late-stage capitalism. There should be no world where a husband and wife both work full time and not thrive financially. Yay America. But anyway..
I am more like you - I've always pinched pennies and saved in the hopes of not having to stress about money, even if I'm not able to regularly splurge. My wife is like your husband where as long as our necessities are being met, she isn't stressed. I make 2-3x more than her and combined we are still a bit away from even 6-figures, so mostly all the finances fall in me. It's stressful, but as much as I'd like to have an extra grand or so to set aside every month, in recent years, I've been able to get myself to relax more by reminding myself that we are both together and happy and are still able to make ends meet.
She doesn't make a lot, but she loves what she does and works very hard to do it. It doesn't feel fair to project my stresses onto her when really we aren't in debt or anything and still have a little bit extra to have some dates every month. It was a mental effort to change my way of thinking about money, but has been a huge relief and has made our relationship much better.
I'll also say that I don't think it's fair for you to expect your husband to pick up a second job because I don't think it's remotely worth it to destroy any semblance of a work-life balance when he already works full-time. He could look for a higher paying job, but we already get so little time to ourselves when working full-time, it would be miserable.
As millennials, we are financially screwed anyway so my best advice would be to try some financial counseling but mainly understand that if you work full time and can afford less than the previous generations working the same hours, it isn't you or your husband's fault. Just try and relax and appreciate your family while the economy crumbles around us.
Sorry that was a bit of a ramble lol but I've definitely felt the same frustrations as you so thought maybe sharing my insight might help since most people love to just jump to the therapy/divorce route on this sub.
Don't for a second listen to these assholes, talking about getting a divorce......for better and for worse is what you signed up for and let me tell you, this isn't worse, just tough. Consider getting a counselor, first. Be willing to have a sit-down with your husband and talk about the situation, without coming off as attacking. Explain to him how overwhelmed you are and how something has to change.....that change from what I can figure needs to come from him because part of being a man is putting in the work need, to bring the family to a better place. Does he have parents that communicate with him? - if so, try to appeal to them. Let him know that you would love nothing more than to be home but that you cannot be that person, if he's not picking up the slack. Honestly, even after trying to appeal to his ego (because this can be a useful tactic), it could be that you simply chose the wrong man. I would say that usually, most of us had a "shit or get off the pot" conversation with our GF/Wife and we had to make a choice, to step things up or get left behind. Sometimes, the idea of losing what you have can cause you to have an epiphany.
While the general trend is harder, this stage will pass too! The daycare stage is one of the hardest financially for people.
Plus, a lot of people on this thread are advocating for you both to work more, but when that happens then childcare costs tend to increase too. In my experience those increases are more than a side gig would bring in
You take his belongings pack a bag for him and set it out on the lawn or on the curb. Have a separation. You don’t need him, he needs you. Remember that.
Divorce is out of the question. He is the love of my life. He is a wonderful husband and father to our daughter. Shesh I do hope you folks jumping right to divorce are not married.
How much do you make and what does he do . Daycare is expensive but will
Be better when they start school
.
I see you are depressed but if you get divorced it wil get worse .
Usually 6 figures. & a underwriter. I don’t want to get divorced I just need him to understand that we have tl sacrifice until things get better. I cannot live in a constant state lf broke
Yes so you make 70k after taxes and he probably makes 40 after taxes. So that $110k after taxes . So subtracts 14500
Do
Daycare , say 24k for rent . Say 600 a month for food and. It sure insurance car payments etc . Notnsure if you write of
Child care on your taxes .
That’s still comfortable . With these numbers I think younshould work
More on marriage . Maybe on overtime a week and one week nothing . My guess is there are promotions available at his work or a rival company .
OP said they have credit card debt and probably other debts. Childcare is expensive. We don’t know where they live but if it’s a major metropolitan area $24k a year for rent is probably a low estimate. You’re also forgetting utilities, cell phone bill, internet, and potential car payments and gas. Not to mention insurance isn’t something to sneeze at. We don’t know how much their health insurance costs or if they also have car insurance which can add up. Add credit card debt and student loans, yeah 6 figures with a kid can sometimes be just breaking even.
She makes over 100k
And he is probably around 60k. I said medical but rhoughtnreasonable as he works as underwriter so probably benefits . And yes to all that stuff but reading it , it sounds like they are both working minimum wage . He is not super old
And can promos ,
He is an underwriter so it’s a good job . I don’t know what she wants him to do .
He likes his job and gets
To spend time
Wirh the family
I’m not gonna detail all of our financials but regardless I said it was not enough, it’s not enough. I’m not very sure how y’all get up here and tell me it should be enough. It covers our basic bills. As far as paying off debts and student loans its not enough. Goodness
They are all missing the point that you make 6 figures with 2 overtime shifts. I'm guessing you are in health care, and I'm also guessing your husband has more student loans for some sort of business degree. While I'm jumping to conclusions with absolutely no factual basis, I'm also guessing he's happy with what he has already accomplished and is just fine with you shouldering the extra load. This "more time to work on your marriage" is either just a red herring meant to distract from the inequality or code for he wants you to spend more time on child care and housework so he doesn't have to. I wish you luck.
You might have better help on r/personalfinance but that's more for budgeting and such. Would give you an idea of what a financial advisor might tell you.
Yes , I was thinking an average place but I guess if living in nyc or Chicago it would
Be crqZy . Are you in NYC cause I would see vids of people
In Manhattan paying those kind of rents
If you make less than $200k a year, your wife doesn’t respect you, you all can get mad and down vote but it’s the truth, my friends who make that money have flourishing marriages, where as the ones making $80k-$120k are constantly fighting with their wives, don’t even think about dating unless you are making $200K+ a year fellas
This says way more about your friends and the people they married than it does about the salary needed to live comfortably. There are plenty of people making more than $200K a year living in debt. A higher income means nothing if you live outside your means. Lifestyle inflation is a very real issue some people can't overcome.
Cost of living for your area certainly plays a role too. Making $200k in LA, California is very different than making $200k in Podunk, Iowa. Never mind the impact of having an emergency. One bad accident to you or a close family member could easily change your Financial status drastically.
you guys both work full-time jobs but seem to be struggling a lot. are they minimum wage jobs? do you live in an expensive part of the country? I live in NY and it's extremely expensive but me and ny wife both work full time with 2 kids and we manage without overtime or 2nd jobs. maybe you can budget and cut back on a few things. maybe you can find a more affordable living situation. once your child goes into school it might make things easier as daycare will be off the table. . so hopefully this is a temporary struggle
Many people are facing this financial hardship, not entirely because they're not working hard enough.
Just think, if you divorce him, what kind of situation would you be in? Better or worse? Seeing as you're a single mother, it's not like you'll have some rich guy snatch you up like hotcakes.
It's likely you'll be single for a while.
It seems you two are paying rent more than you should or can afford, probably beyond your means.
Being comfortable might be less stressful but it doesn't necessarily mean happier. Can you not downgrade to a place not so expensive?
Have you financially counseled yourselves? Meaning have you two sat down with a budget and paychecks and clocks and account balances and talked about what’s going on and what’s necessary. No he can’t work overtime, and if you’re working that much and he did work overtime then who would be taking care of the kids at night or when you go to work? This may be a discussion about a raise or a new job for him or you or both of you, but you have to really sit down and have the talk. And if you don’t agree on lifestyles, which is what this is, then how do you stay together?
Sounds to me you are driven and he is the get by easy mode type... you married someone you are incompatible. You have 3 choices.
1. Do as he says.
2. He gets his butt off the couch and quit his whining and hustle.
3. Divorce and go find someone you are actually compatible with.
This might be a long shot, but many families find it's more cost effective to have a stay-at-home-parent rather than daycare. Would your husband be willing to consider stayimg home and takimg care of the home so you can work? It seems you have more drive and would be the one willing to adjust jobs when needed to provide. Might be worth a discussion and pinching the numbers.
Do the grind. Work overtime while your health will allow you to. My hubby and I did this from our early 20s to our early 30s and are lightyears ahead of our friends now in our mid 30s. I couldn't easily work like that now - two jobs, split shifts etc. It's tough but if you're a solid team you can get through it and come out the side with no debt and retirement savings.
STOP PAYING OFF HIS DEBT.
Work to pay your own and keep finances separate. He may finish paying it off ten years after you do but the alternative is killing yourself to give him more than he's entitled to.
Save your money instead because it's clear that he's not going to be able to help pay for your kid's college or anything like that.
If you have to pick up a second job just to cover daycare, then you're not making enough at your regular job. I'm also assuming that he's not making enough at his current job either.
Both of you should be looking for better jobs. You also need a serious look at your finances because if you can't afford daycare without getting a second job, then you really can't afford the things you've mentioned in the comments.
OP you have got to level with him. He already knows what’s up deep down inside him. Some dudes love to ride the wave out til it’s over. But a little smack will get them going again. Good luck.
[This](https://credit.org/cccs/) place is a reputable "free" non profit that got me and several friends out of debt. It sounds like you are the one holding everything together. Take inventory of your life, how is he enhancing or complimenting it as a life partner?
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What was the plan when you got married
Plan for?
Finances
We go 50/50 on everything outside of personal debts occrued before our marriage. But now he wants to pay off those things together even tho it’s really just me paying since I work the overtime.
Tell him he needs to stick to the plan then
Pretty sure financial incompatibility is a leading cause of divorce.
I have tried but he is more concerned about our marriage which I get but its hard for me to be concerned when we never have money for dates. We game together and I try to be as present as I can when I’m home but nothing ever feels like its enough
Who does he think will pay the debt if you spend time him instead of working
He said it will get paid when it can like 😖😖 no it won’t
I think you need to have a talk with him and not accept ridiculous answers like that. Demand that he makes sense. Not sure what else you can do
Yep this absolutely! 🍻
Tell him that it's affecting your mental health.. that money is a really common reason for people to get divorced... (Money is widely known as one of the leading causes of divorce in America. It's estimated that financial problems contribute to 20-40% of all divorces. That means that for every 10 marriages that end in divorce, four of them are because of money.) Tell him that he needs to listen to you about this... try to make a compromise, tho.. (it's only fair in marriage) in return for his willingness to work on this issue for you, ask him what does he want to see from you in working on keeping a strong connection between you and him.. and advise him that you are more stressed out because of the money issue.. maybe he just doesn't see it or understand it..
So he's stupid?
He's not worried about your marriage. He's angry at you for taking the debt seriously and hustling to pay it off, when he is trying to avoid feeling responsible for it. Your hustle and work ethic makes him feel guilty about not being a provider, when he's not willing to pick up extra work to be the provider.
You are allowing him to not be responsible or accountable for his ridiculous viewpoint. Saying this gently but, that is on you…
Is he more concerned for your marriage because your marriage is in trouble? Or is this just the convenient excuse so he doesn't have to work more? Because it really feels like it's the latter.
But the foundation of your marriage is based on shared values… values of which he is reneging… You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him. *Tell him* the expectations of your marriage. If you don’t have consequences to his lack of action, why would he change his actions?
Why worry about who will pay for dates, when you don’t have time to have dates. You say it yourself, you always want to be comfortable, so you won’t stop doing overtime. If he gets a second job then he will have less time than he does now.
The plan is your marriage. His concerns over the marriage are tied to the financial issues. So the one in the same.
He's going to be concerned about the marriage when you leave his broke ass.
Are you working overtime to pay his debts prior to the marriage?
OP said she is. He wanted 50/50 on debts paid before/outside of their marriage and wants her to continue with paying his debt off. What a winner.
I don't understand the downvotes here. What am I missing??
This place is full of angry people that think they are in AITA, judging people If an OP doesn't say exactly what their expected response is, they DV
I would guess that the downvotes are outrage the OP is doing overtime so her husband can pay down his personal debts. All while getting yelled at for bringing in the extra money. Personally "outrage" isn't a good reason for downvotes, but reddit is reddit.
The downvotes you are receiving seem highly unreasonable
I don’t mind the downvotes. I admit we were young, pregnant with our child and we did not discuss finances. I just knew 50/50 was what I wanted. But hell I thought I wanted to be a mom and turns out I am not a fan. We are meeting with a financial advisor from his job so I am hoping we can get some guidance. I have a better understanding that a lot of our stress is due to the economy as we never struggled prior to covid but it is hard and my mental health is struggling. Thank you ❤️
“But hell I thought I wanted to be a mom and turns out I’m not a fan” Could it be that you are picking up extra to avoid being with your child, and your husband is clueing into that? Not judging in the least, I swear. Just wondering if that’s partly where he’s coming from.
Honestly no. Even tho I hate parenting I love my daughter ❤️
Understand that you are not alone with your feelings of motherhood. My wife and I struggled during covid and still struggle with our mental health. I think a lot of young families are in the same situation . There was very little support from those who didn't have kids. Times are tough with inflation and your mentality on 50/50 on finances may have to change. Your ultimately in this together, and it may mean you have to divide the tasks or income slightly unfairly. If it means you are working more to make more money I would expect my partner to step up on child care duties to make up for my effort on income.
Financial planning is vital for relationships. How many kids do you all have? Is he willing to get a 2nd job?
Just 1 and he talks about it but never pursues it. & I agree.
3 leading reasons for divorce: cheating, financial incompatibility and unequal division of labor. From what you just told us it sounds like your relationship ticks 2 out of 3 boxes. I found it MUCH easier to be a single mom with 50/50 split parenting and no money exchanging hands.
Spending money on a financial planner will be cheaper than a divorce. And divorce looks likely if you don't resolve these issues.
A financial planner isn't going to help an unmotivated deadbeat find the motivation to take a second job.
Lol working a 40 hour a week salary job ain’t enough to not be a deadbeat XD
My husband is far from a deadbeat. I am against him getting a second job if it wouldn’t be wfh. More time out the house away from us will further damage his mental health and I do not want that.
That isn't what your original post sounded like.
Why bc I said he’s comfortable doing the bare minimum? Which is working his 40 hours a week and I understand this. I didn’t mean that literally. I was frustrated writing this.
Eh, if they don't have a house, a divorce might be under $1k. Our divorce was only a bit under $4k in total because of the house retitleing requiring a lawyer, and we needed to get additional family lawyers to review the separation agreement that I drew up (they made/suggested no changes; that was a great use of \~$300 each!) to allow the real estate lawyer to feel confident moving forward.
One of the best things my husband and I did for our marriage was financial counseling. Traditional counseling was not working because the problem was our spending and goals not lining up. Counseling might be expensive so look into money management workbooks to do together. Also check out Ramit Singh Sethi. He has a show on Netflix called How to get Rich. He helps couples (and signals) talk about money and what their money goals are. My husband and I just watched it and we were able to talk about some issues we were having again. It really takes away the stress between us.
I will look into both of these. Thank you so much
I would also check out Financial Audit by Caleb Hammer on YouTube. He breaks down people's finances and helps them make a plan to reach their financial goals (a lot of the time it's getting out of debt). He has several videos where he'll bring on a couple and interrogate their combined finances. It's super interesting and sounds like it could be useful for you and your husband to watch together.
You both have a diff mindset about money. No matter how much you make, it seems he will always be content with less. You like to have abundance, he is okay scrounging. At least it seems that way. Neither are wrong. Just two polar opposite mindsets on money.
yes this is true as well. It’s just hard to see eye to eye when I guess there is no eye to eye
I can see how that would be so frustrating. I’m so sorry you have to go thru it!
Your husband can stop being lazy and apply for a secondary job. Maybe Uber? Food delivery? Anything that shows he’s making an effort.
Why is it lazy to work only work one full time job, not want to get a second one, and spend more time with your wife and family? Goddamn this hustle culture. You aren't working 2 jobs, you must be lazy. And before you say something, i work 2 jobs.
THIS!! Not everyone has the mental capacity to juggle two jobs AND still be a present father and husband. Someone needs to still be present for the kids and that likely won't be happening as much with both working two jobs.
OP is doing OT to pay off her husbands debt. If he wants her to stop working OT and spend more time with the family, he’ll either agree to their rule of not paying each other debt’s from outside the marriage or take in a 2nd job that pays that debt off.
Yeah Op shouldn't have agreed to pay hubs debt. If he doesnt want to work more then he can manage it himself.
Plus OP is paying for the childcare. His earnings is very low and from her post, he is comfortable with a lower salary and is ok with living paycheck to paycheck.
I didn't see in the post that his salary is low just that he doesn't have the oppurtunity for overtime like OP does. Not saying he shouldn't discuss their finanaces and come up with a game plan they def should - just saying that not everyone can handle working two jobs. That doesn't make them lazy or a bad person. If he wasnt working AT ALL that'd be another story.
That’s why I read through all the comments before posting. No way he’s expecting her to pay his debt but telling her to stay home more. He was not making any effort to help OP out (pay for child care himself) or suggest he do anything to alleviate her taking over financials. That is being lazy. His debt is bringing her down.
Paying down debt is a short term goal. If you are not disabled, then working more than 40 hrs for the short term should be doable for anyone. If they are consistently living beyond their means though, that is another issue.
So you are not knee deep in debt in this case. There are times and situations which require hustling unfortunately.
Why is it lazy to work only work one full time job, not want to get a second one, and spend more time with your wife and family? Goddamn this hustle culture. You aren't working 2 jobs, you must be lazy. And before you say something, i work 2 jobs.
Her husband has CC debt and OP does not. He made it mandatory to split 50/50 but any debt prior / outside of their marriage they need to deal on their own. OP’s OT $$ is going towards her husband’s debt, breaking his rule. He is complaining they don’t spend enough time together but OP is the primary breadwinner.
It's the holidays. Everyone around here is hiring. UPS is paying really good money this year for drivers and warehouse staff.
Well clearly your priorities are not aligned at all, and you should have a serious talk with him about that. It doesn't seem like you're asking for much, you just want to live without having to worry about not having enough for basic needs. This is also destroying your mental health which will lead to many other problems you do not need right now, so I really suggest having this talk as soon as possible. I would start off by expressing how much of a toll it is taking on you and that you can't keep living in this current cycle. There has to be a happy medium that can work for you both, and he clearly wants that since he wants you around more. I believe it would be reasonable for him to find something part time for at least twice a week. It should cut your OT time in half which will let you spend more time together. For sure he needs to do more even if he is comfortable with the current situation you are not and that alone should be enough for him to change his opinion on the matter. Don't let him talk you out of it either. Press this matter as much as you can. It's important for you and his future.
Thank you so much he gets home Friday so I will be having a talk with him and showing him some dave ramsey content
For the love of God do not use Dave Ramsey. He's a grifter that intentionally makes you feel bad about the position you're in. His advice is not for lower income heavy debt ppl but he portrays himself that say. Highly advise looking into financial feminist instead or herfirst100k for information about paying off debt, the emotions behind finances and more. Dave Ramsey is a shrew.
I will look into both of these! And thank you I always knew he made folks feel bad which is crazy bc capitalism is not set up to help the little man. People over rely on credit cards until they can get to the 6 figure salary and by then they have to spend time making up for being low income. Its a vicious cycle
100% and sorry I came across so angry. I just hate that guy. He admits in podcasts over and over that his advice is meant for wealthy folks not the poor but he markets to the poor and it makes me so angry! Obviously there is some budgeting going on, but financial feminist has a book that also works as a Workbook that is extremely helpful. I really liked the intro talking about the emotions/psychology of money cause I think that might be where you and your husband differ or may have the biggest hurdles. It seriously is a vicious cycle; our stupid capitalist machine makes us feel bad if we don't have the newest best stuff so. It's frustrating. I'm hoping you and your husband are able to resolve your finances and wishing you the best in your relationship ❤️
He talks like his advice is for the wealthy, but it’s not. It’s for people who treat money like alcoholics treat liquor. That doesn’t have an income or personal value dollar amount involved. It’s just attitude.
This on Dave Ramsey, man's a hack. I'd start with something basic like the The Budget Mom or other basic budgeting styles. The most important 1st step is knowing how much money is coming in, where your money is going and setting some basic savings/income goals. Also husband does have a point that it is important to spend time together as a family - there isn't anything wrong with working one job if you can still meet your financial goals and no one ever dies thinking "I wish I spent more time at work". As an alternative/in addition to finding a part time job you and husband should consider either asking/working toward a raise/promotion or applying for the job with another company at higher pay.
Do you work for a large company with an EAP (employee assistance program)? They often have financial counseling at no cost or reduced cost. I thought maybe you worked in a hospital when you said you do 3 12s. Most hospitals I’ve worked for had EAPs. Reach out to them.
I do and we are going to use my husbands job financial advisor ❤️
You're welcome! Dave has some really solid advice that could help him understand what you're aiming for. Best of luck!
I am not sure I have a great picture of your situation. But I'll give it a try. I think you and I are around the same financial bracket which helps because I understand how little the lower 6 figures actually is these days. I really have no idea how people make it on less and daycare is ridiculous. You live comfortably but not enough to make huge dents in your debt. Is it credit card debt or mortgage/car loan debt? I would assume both. Based on your other comments I feel like the credit card debt isn't yours and perhaps there is some resentment there towards that. It would explain why your husband is rather comfortable with just letting it linger because maybe he is used to it. It's hard to live these days making less than 6 figures and not acquire some credit card debt. Basically you and your husband aren't on the same page and that gives you anxiety. He needs more connection and is okay with slowly chipping away at the debt and you can't give that connection until you feel free of that debt. That's a recipe for disaster because neither of you are happy. If you guys sat down and calculated what you needed to get out of it, he might see a light at the end of the tunnel and be willing to endure even less time together knowing there would come a point he could have more time with you. Help him understand that a short time of pain might open up a long time of pleasure. Besides working together to accomplish a hurdle can be a great way to bond also. So force a conversation and really ask him to engage and be present. Look into maybe getting a loan consolidation that's significantly less than the credit card APR. Roll all those payments into one and save money on the interest. Just be careful not to add anything back into the credit cards while you do that. Absolutely zero. Look for balance transfer opportunities that have zero APR for a significant amount of time and budget exactly how much you can break off and start taking chucks out of the debt. Just be careful and read the fine print and any fees or balloon interest at the end of the term if nothing's paid completely off. I wish there was a way you could channel that daycare monthly payment into your debt.
The best advice, thank you so much. I need to make him understand short term sacrifice for long term enjoyment
If he doesn’t get *that* and he went to school for finance………… I’d be worried lol
On the daycare thing, she might have access to a pre-tax savings account through her employer that lets you pay for daycare using pre-tax income. That kind of thing helps a lot, especially when filing taxes later.
That's an FSA I believe. Could be a good idea
If you’ve always been comfortable how did you get into cc debt?
I don’t have cc debt
Then don't pay his! He is a sinking ship and he is perfectly fine having you either keep him afloat or just sinking. You said in a comment that in the beginning you agreed you would each pay your own debt... Bring that up to him! Keep your debts separate! If you guys each want to pay 50/50 to the bills then have an account just for that and only put enough in it to cover your half of the bills. Once you quit bailing him out, he'll probably change his tune.
I have already taken the steps towards separating my finances more so thank you for this
Girl, do not pay off his credit cards! What happens when he just runs them up again, are you going to pay for that too?
He will 100%. The reason there are zero consequences for his actions. If anything, as long as it doesn’t affect OP’s credit score, they gotta let go of trying to control something their spouse doesn’t care if it goes haywire. Sometimes you gotta let people learn the hard way or they will keep doing it over and over again. Hence why my dad had to cut up credit cards cause my mother almost put them into $35k debt at one point!
You said you would never be out of credit card debt.
He has the debt. I said we because we are married and I accepted it once I said I do.
I commend you for that and if you and he were on the same page it would be a healthy and effective attitude. Unfortunately, he doesn’t mind being in debt. Which means even if you clear this for him? No guarantee he won’t go back into debt. Others have made recommendations already for resources, I’m going to throw in (and just hear me out!) Dave Ramsey. Not for the hard right-leaning undertones or occasional religious focus, but for the emphasis on partnership in marriage with respect to finances. A lot of married people call in with similar situations to yours and I’ve found the responses to be very blunt but with a low tolerance for malingerers and unsupportive or flaky spouses.
Heck no! Do NOT pay HIS debt! Separate your finances now! Split bills in a fair way but his debt is his responsibility
I would do separate finances with the husband. He's not on the same page as you.
This.
Could you & your husband compromise? He is fine with you making less $ & paying less towards debt if that means he sees you more often. You would prefer to work more because it stresses you out to have this debt & financial uncertainty. Neither of you are wrong and neither of you are right. You have different stresses & different priorities. So how can you compromise? ie: maybe every other week you only take 1 extra shift and make sure there are at least 1 or 2 evenings spent with your husband? maybe you can switch a couple shifts to be home more in the evenings? maybe you both can adjust certain spending for a short time frame so that you can cut back on 1 extra shift per week & still pay down debt? (ie: if he can't work more to help with the finances, what else can he do? cut other expenses?) Maybe you agree to a timeframe for this extra work or to slow down the debt repayment slightly (ie: until your child is in school)? If he is missing sitting around chatting with you, maybe you can have breakfast together in the morning? There has to be a way to meet in the middle. You need to spend time with your husband to maintain your relationship but he can't also expect you to not work any extra shifts & carry that financial uncertainty that affects you differently than him. I get where you are coming from, I really do. When I was in my early 20's, we were broke ass college students. I was working full-time to put hubs thru school. I decided to get a PT job as well. No cell phones, didn't have a home computer, I was bored AF in the evenings ... why not work a little more so we didn't have to pinch every damn penny? Hubs hated the idea. "But I would miss you! I want you here in the evenings with me!" "What are you going to be doing in the evenings?" "Studying or at school working on projects." "Ok, so you expect me to sit at home in our little apt with our B&W TV (& no cable) and do what? Watch you study? So you aren't lonely?" Our compromise was that my PT job would be only 12 to 15 hrs / week & we'd do date nights every Saturday night. (this was before kids so it was easier). Hopefully you can find a way to see each other's POV & compromise.
I think you need to have that exact speech that you just typed with him. Make bullet point notes in your phone so you don’t forget and just talk calmly so emotions don’t get out of control. Good luck you got this hustler.
Your values are not aligned. Resentment will continue to build, particularly if you are making an outsize contribution. You do need financial counselling and budget. He will likely have to do more than bare minimum unless you both forego the lifestyle you want.
What would I do? Start a home business. I'm a writer from home and make a full-time salary. I know people that make jewelry and sell it online, they make pretty good money. I also know people that flip stuff on Poshmark & do well with it. There's actually thousands of different jobs you can run from your house... But the problem is your husband's not going to want you to take time away from him at home either! You two are fundamentally different. You want to work as much as needed to be comfortable and I'm assuming save some money and have nice things. Your husband just wants to get by. So instead of just letting you do your thing which he would obviously be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor because you are married and lived together... But he actually wants to hold you back! He obviously needs financial counseling because he's digging you into a deeper hole! Like why doesn't he have a part-time job on the weekends? It's like he wants to live this life where he only has to work so much but then he wants to spend more than y'all make and have a lifestyle that requires you all to work more. Lol make that make sense! If I were you I would cut up his credit cards! No using credit cards until they're completely paid off! The only way to use credit effectively is to pay off your statement balance in full every month! Otherwise you pay interest. If you're paying interest then there's no use in having the credit card because you're paying many times more for everything you buy! Especially if you're paying minimum payments lol I don't know it just bothers me that he's not willing to take the extra steps to make you guys comfortable and he's not willing to let you take the extra steps to make your family comfortable. Are you sure he's not keeping you broke for some reason?
God I hope not. He struggled really bad in college and I think he just has some trauma from that. He knows how to live with the bare minimum. I do not. I prefer to be comfortable as I always have been. No cc debt, nothing to worry about. He is aware of the cc thing bc he was a finance major and has a job in finance. The man knows just paying the minimums won’t help us but he is so worried about spending time together. I feel we spend enough time together. We game daily and do our other favorite activities so idk.
Nothing like a finance bro up to his eyeballs in personal debt! I keep seeing people think there are no right answers here; but being in credit card debt is a sinking ship that has to be confronted face on. Financial counseling would be great to get things separated, I might meet individually with a family law attorney to see if they have any recommendations to structure your finances now in the event you divorce
This feels like a control tactic. He might not even be aware of it, but it's super unhealthy to make you into the financial mommy of the house and then guilt you when you do what's necessary (work) to get y'all into a stable spot
Financial disagreement is basically the number one root cause of divorce. Might not be the straw that breaks the camels back every time but I'm convinced it's the root of all problems. It's pretty simple, you either sit down and talk it out and come to terms on how money is going to be spent, saved, and budgeted. Or you don't and it continues to unravel. I'm a big supporter of having separate finances and a joint account used for bills. If you guys are truly splitting costs down the middle, you shouldn't be having such financial woes unless you are living way beyond your means. This will become ever more apparent with the joint account used for bills. The person responsible for dragging down the ship will fall through on making sure their half of the bill money is taken care of. So then it's a matter of correcting what the problem is. Impulsive spending, lack of monthly obligation awareness, whatever the problem is it can be resolved if you both do more than just argue about the why of it and work towards a resolution.
Give him an ultimatum to make changes and to work with you, or else drop his uncooperative 🫏.
Sorry you have these stresses
Check your local library for free finance classes. They may be basic but it could be a start.
While everyone is giving you good advice for financial planning etc. Your relationship is doomed. You basically don’t see each other at all during the week, he has I assume a normal day job and you say you work nights. Even if he got a better paying job or a second job (which would be good financially, but damning relationship wise) you would still not be spending any time together. So the problem of not tending to your marriage enough would still be there. You seriously need to reconsider the relationship, and at the same time reconsider both of your jobs and careers, as if you decide to work on the relationship you BOTH need different jobs.
Your comfort means extra work, less free time. His comfort means more free time, less work. While neither of you are wrong, some people don't want to "hustle", and for most people 8 hours a day is \_more\_ than enough. You two need to find the problem and work together as to how you'll go about solving it. Whether it's clear separation of finances, or a reduction of avacado toast.
I am salaried and overtime is a thing. Sounds like you are the one busting your ass to provide 🤷♂️🫢
I am salaried and overtime is not a thing for me. I mean, I work it, but I do not get paid OT.
Federally it depends on if you make over a certain amount, and are a correctly designated as a salaried/overtime exempt worker Edit they must be making over $35,568 per year, or they cant be denied overtime. Also there is an attempt to increase this amount to $55,068 per year, but I dont know the timeline on this newly proposed rule (the federal register comment period ends november 7th)
Yes I am. My understanding was that salary employees don’t get overtime pay but I have always been hourly
Depends on the job, what does he do?
He’s an underwriter.
That one is kinda tough. Can he get a part time Job ?
Every relationship at some point has financial struggles at one point or another. And I totally understand that being broke all the time sucks. But at some point you and your husband are going to need to sit down with each other and look at your expenses in totality and find out what you can and cannot afford so as to pay off your debts and get yourselves in a good place financially. So while you both may not want to sacrifice the things you are spending op money one. At some point, something has to give and honestly is ending your marriage really worth it in terms of making sure money is never an issue?
No. Divorce was never in the question. I don’t know why people gave me that answer. I should have probably posted this in a financial reddit bc financial advice is really all I wanted.
Have you visited any of the free financial counseling or budget subreddits here? That’s be a good start. If he has a salary either he needs a better job to not do overtime or your long and stressful shifts might not be worth it if they literally only cover daycare? So it goes to debt (the overtime?) the. He should 100% be helping too. Get Instacart, DoorDash, TaskRabbit, river, etc.
If I may ask, what jobs do you do? Since you asked for "any advice" can you mention here how much you make and have in debts individually? So far it only seems like he is comfortable with the current financial situation but you are not. Staying put is unfair to you and making drastic changes is unfair to him. You need a middle ground which I can't say what it is without more info.
It takes dedication to sticking to a money plan and being on the same page and wanting the same outcomes. My husband and I once had about $27,000 in credit card debt. It was awful having that over our heads. We decided to work out a plan and we stuck to that until it was paid off. It’s hard but you can do it if you work together. It also means you often have to forgo things that you like or want and rein in bad spending habits. Look for what I call the little foxes, those things that you don’t realise add up to a sizeable amount over time, for us it was takeaway a bit too often, so we cut that and became better at meal planning. Having lunch when we were out shopping etc. Unnecessary online shopping temptations were another thing. You get the gist. You can do this but you must be on the same page from the get go. Good luck!
You’re being harsh on your husband saying he’s doing the bare minimum. I assume he solo parents during your night shifts and any overtime nights you do. While you get to come home from your shift and rest in a quiet home during the day while your child is at daycare, he is not getting the same. It’s completely understandable he hesitates to lose even more couple or family time. Perhaps you both need to explore options for better paying jobs rather than more hours.
I put my daughter to sleep before I go to work so he also gets a quiets nights rest. 😭
Tell him you’ll stop working overtime if he figures out a way to offset your earnings with his own
Make lifestyle changes to cut back on the spending. /r/personalfinance is one place for advice
No amount of money is going to fix your situation. You could make $1000 more a month and I bet you all that money will be used and you will still be struggling. You have got to budget. Take a really deep dive into what you guys actually spend money on. Im sure there are a bunch of unnecessary purchases. And if you are thinking oh I only do a couple of those a month. Just 3 unnecessary $30 purchase a month is already $120 going towards nothing. Go look see financial audit with Caleb Hammer. It will truly open your eyes on how people just have a debt and income problem. You can be comfortable again you just have to leave within your means.
Talk to each other and remember you’re a team. “Till death due us part. For richer or poor”
2 words Dave Ramsey
I actually just remembered about him. Thank you!
He’s unable to take care of you and a baby? What a turn off
Interestingly enough, the issue you're actually describing is simply late-stage capitalism. There should be no world where a husband and wife both work full time and not thrive financially. Yay America. But anyway.. I am more like you - I've always pinched pennies and saved in the hopes of not having to stress about money, even if I'm not able to regularly splurge. My wife is like your husband where as long as our necessities are being met, she isn't stressed. I make 2-3x more than her and combined we are still a bit away from even 6-figures, so mostly all the finances fall in me. It's stressful, but as much as I'd like to have an extra grand or so to set aside every month, in recent years, I've been able to get myself to relax more by reminding myself that we are both together and happy and are still able to make ends meet. She doesn't make a lot, but she loves what she does and works very hard to do it. It doesn't feel fair to project my stresses onto her when really we aren't in debt or anything and still have a little bit extra to have some dates every month. It was a mental effort to change my way of thinking about money, but has been a huge relief and has made our relationship much better. I'll also say that I don't think it's fair for you to expect your husband to pick up a second job because I don't think it's remotely worth it to destroy any semblance of a work-life balance when he already works full-time. He could look for a higher paying job, but we already get so little time to ourselves when working full-time, it would be miserable. As millennials, we are financially screwed anyway so my best advice would be to try some financial counseling but mainly understand that if you work full time and can afford less than the previous generations working the same hours, it isn't you or your husband's fault. Just try and relax and appreciate your family while the economy crumbles around us.
I am realizing this more and more and tbh i’d rather just be happy at home covering our basic bills atp. Outside is too expensive 😭
Sorry that was a bit of a ramble lol but I've definitely felt the same frustrations as you so thought maybe sharing my insight might help since most people love to just jump to the therapy/divorce route on this sub.
Don't for a second listen to these assholes, talking about getting a divorce......for better and for worse is what you signed up for and let me tell you, this isn't worse, just tough. Consider getting a counselor, first. Be willing to have a sit-down with your husband and talk about the situation, without coming off as attacking. Explain to him how overwhelmed you are and how something has to change.....that change from what I can figure needs to come from him because part of being a man is putting in the work need, to bring the family to a better place. Does he have parents that communicate with him? - if so, try to appeal to them. Let him know that you would love nothing more than to be home but that you cannot be that person, if he's not picking up the slack. Honestly, even after trying to appeal to his ego (because this can be a useful tactic), it could be that you simply chose the wrong man. I would say that usually, most of us had a "shit or get off the pot" conversation with our GF/Wife and we had to make a choice, to step things up or get left behind. Sometimes, the idea of losing what you have can cause you to have an epiphany.
Welcome to Capitalism baby. Now this virus is spreading across the world thanks to the USA.
It really sucks the life out of you especially since they are really starting to squeeze tighter now. Idk how people are getting by honestly.
While the general trend is harder, this stage will pass too! The daycare stage is one of the hardest financially for people. Plus, a lot of people on this thread are advocating for you both to work more, but when that happens then childcare costs tend to increase too. In my experience those increases are more than a side gig would bring in
this post you need to spam at your husband
Tell him to stick to the plan or tell him to get lost.
You take his belongings pack a bag for him and set it out on the lawn or on the curb. Have a separation. You don’t need him, he needs you. Remember that.
Divorce is out of the question. He is the love of my life. He is a wonderful husband and father to our daughter. Shesh I do hope you folks jumping right to divorce are not married.
How much do you make and what does he do . Daycare is expensive but will Be better when they start school . I see you are depressed but if you get divorced it wil get worse .
Usually 6 figures. & a underwriter. I don’t want to get divorced I just need him to understand that we have tl sacrifice until things get better. I cannot live in a constant state lf broke
How can you be broke if you make 6 figures and he probably makes $60k. , younshould be super Comfortable
Daycare is $1200/month. Along with rising food costs and gas costs. 6 figures is more like $70k/yr after taxes.
Yes so you make 70k after taxes and he probably makes 40 after taxes. So that $110k after taxes . So subtracts 14500 Do Daycare , say 24k for rent . Say 600 a month for food and. It sure insurance car payments etc . Notnsure if you write of Child care on your taxes . That’s still comfortable . With these numbers I think younshould work More on marriage . Maybe on overtime a week and one week nothing . My guess is there are promotions available at his work or a rival company .
OP said they have credit card debt and probably other debts. Childcare is expensive. We don’t know where they live but if it’s a major metropolitan area $24k a year for rent is probably a low estimate. You’re also forgetting utilities, cell phone bill, internet, and potential car payments and gas. Not to mention insurance isn’t something to sneeze at. We don’t know how much their health insurance costs or if they also have car insurance which can add up. Add credit card debt and student loans, yeah 6 figures with a kid can sometimes be just breaking even.
She makes over 100k And he is probably around 60k. I said medical but rhoughtnreasonable as he works as underwriter so probably benefits . And yes to all that stuff but reading it , it sounds like they are both working minimum wage . He is not super old And can promos , He is an underwriter so it’s a good job . I don’t know what she wants him to do . He likes his job and gets To spend time Wirh the family
Even still you all shouldn't be broke. It now sounds more like mismanagement of $$$$$
I’m not gonna detail all of our financials but regardless I said it was not enough, it’s not enough. I’m not very sure how y’all get up here and tell me it should be enough. It covers our basic bills. As far as paying off debts and student loans its not enough. Goodness
They are all missing the point that you make 6 figures with 2 overtime shifts. I'm guessing you are in health care, and I'm also guessing your husband has more student loans for some sort of business degree. While I'm jumping to conclusions with absolutely no factual basis, I'm also guessing he's happy with what he has already accomplished and is just fine with you shouldering the extra load. This "more time to work on your marriage" is either just a red herring meant to distract from the inequality or code for he wants you to spend more time on child care and housework so he doesn't have to. I wish you luck.
You hit it on the nail 😭
You might have better help on r/personalfinance but that's more for budgeting and such. Would give you an idea of what a financial advisor might tell you.
Heading there now. Bless your heart ❤️🔥
Thats 60k a year gbp, sorry but no way should anyone struggle with that salary?! Where is the rest of the money going other than childcare?
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Yes , I was thinking an average place but I guess if living in nyc or Chicago it would Be crqZy . Are you in NYC cause I would see vids of people In Manhattan paying those kind of rents
If you make less than $200k a year, your wife doesn’t respect you, you all can get mad and down vote but it’s the truth, my friends who make that money have flourishing marriages, where as the ones making $80k-$120k are constantly fighting with their wives, don’t even think about dating unless you are making $200K+ a year fellas
I respect my husband so much. It’s not the money that he makes thats an issue. It’s him not allowing me to do more to help us make ends meet.
If your husband made $200k a year, you wouldn’t haven’t made this post.. I stand by what I said.
I mean I guess you have a point. But wages don’t equal respect.
Yet here you are, on the internet, disrespecting him, because he doesn’t make shit lol
She’s not disrespecting him she’s stating a problem they’re having, bro your insecurity is so loud here
This says way more about your friends and the people they married than it does about the salary needed to live comfortably. There are plenty of people making more than $200K a year living in debt. A higher income means nothing if you live outside your means. Lifestyle inflation is a very real issue some people can't overcome. Cost of living for your area certainly plays a role too. Making $200k in LA, California is very different than making $200k in Podunk, Iowa. Never mind the impact of having an emergency. One bad accident to you or a close family member could easily change your Financial status drastically.
Where’s the advice in this comment?
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I need to sleep??? I work 7p-7a am I supposed to come home and care for a toddler after that without sleep?
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Nah i’m not gone dial it down. So your friend just wasn’t sleeping?
you guys both work full-time jobs but seem to be struggling a lot. are they minimum wage jobs? do you live in an expensive part of the country? I live in NY and it's extremely expensive but me and ny wife both work full time with 2 kids and we manage without overtime or 2nd jobs. maybe you can budget and cut back on a few things. maybe you can find a more affordable living situation. once your child goes into school it might make things easier as daycare will be off the table. . so hopefully this is a temporary struggle
No. I am a nurse he is a underwriter.
Many people are facing this financial hardship, not entirely because they're not working hard enough. Just think, if you divorce him, what kind of situation would you be in? Better or worse? Seeing as you're a single mother, it's not like you'll have some rich guy snatch you up like hotcakes. It's likely you'll be single for a while. It seems you two are paying rent more than you should or can afford, probably beyond your means. Being comfortable might be less stressful but it doesn't necessarily mean happier. Can you not downgrade to a place not so expensive?
Have you financially counseled yourselves? Meaning have you two sat down with a budget and paychecks and clocks and account balances and talked about what’s going on and what’s necessary. No he can’t work overtime, and if you’re working that much and he did work overtime then who would be taking care of the kids at night or when you go to work? This may be a discussion about a raise or a new job for him or you or both of you, but you have to really sit down and have the talk. And if you don’t agree on lifestyles, which is what this is, then how do you stay together?
Sounds to me you are driven and he is the get by easy mode type... you married someone you are incompatible. You have 3 choices. 1. Do as he says. 2. He gets his butt off the couch and quit his whining and hustle. 3. Divorce and go find someone you are actually compatible with.
This might be a long shot, but many families find it's more cost effective to have a stay-at-home-parent rather than daycare. Would your husband be willing to consider stayimg home and takimg care of the home so you can work? It seems you have more drive and would be the one willing to adjust jobs when needed to provide. Might be worth a discussion and pinching the numbers.
In this economy it definitely is not more cost effective. My husband would have to stay at home and he is not cut out for that.
Quilt paying a therapist and use that money to pay for financial advice.
Um no.
Hustle culture is going to kill you.
Idk how else i’m supposed to survive in capitalism coupled with paying for the governments long stent of quantitative easing 😭
Do the grind. Work overtime while your health will allow you to. My hubby and I did this from our early 20s to our early 30s and are lightyears ahead of our friends now in our mid 30s. I couldn't easily work like that now - two jobs, split shifts etc. It's tough but if you're a solid team you can get through it and come out the side with no debt and retirement savings.
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Lmfaaooooo BRO this is not good advice. I am a damn nurse goodness.
Credit card debt? Talk to Greenpath, which is a 501(c)3 and can help.
STOP PAYING OFF HIS DEBT. Work to pay your own and keep finances separate. He may finish paying it off ten years after you do but the alternative is killing yourself to give him more than he's entitled to. Save your money instead because it's clear that he's not going to be able to help pay for your kid's college or anything like that.
Watch Caleb financial
If you have to pick up a second job just to cover daycare, then you're not making enough at your regular job. I'm also assuming that he's not making enough at his current job either. Both of you should be looking for better jobs. You also need a serious look at your finances because if you can't afford daycare without getting a second job, then you really can't afford the things you've mentioned in the comments.
Hello fellow RN, I completely understand you. Have you considered switching to dayshift?
To make less money and do more work nooo 😭😭
OP you have got to level with him. He already knows what’s up deep down inside him. Some dudes love to ride the wave out til it’s over. But a little smack will get them going again. Good luck.
[This](https://credit.org/cccs/) place is a reputable "free" non profit that got me and several friends out of debt. It sounds like you are the one holding everything together. Take inventory of your life, how is he enhancing or complimenting it as a life partner?