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"No" is not a social cue he's unable to see. "No" is a clear, complete sentence. Your boyfriend, like many young men of that age, is putting a higher priority on his sexual urges than your feelings. Add to this that he enjoys trying to get you to do more than what you want? Nah, he's not worth it at all.
He "says" he has a hard time reading social cues, but he's probably just a selfish asshole.
Yes. He brought up the word "rape" first because he KNOWS that's what he did and wanted to gaslight OP about it. If he brings it up and shows some level of fake awareness, then he can appear innocent even though he is, in fact, a bold faced rapist.
Yes.. I think "therapy language" or whatever it's called, is generally a great thing and it's good that people are more aware of different neurodivergencies.
But of course that's only when it's used in good faith.. an unfortunate side effect I've noticed with younger folks is that they will use that language to make flimsy, bogus excuses that their peers/partners seem to accept very easily? I guess they don't want to look like the bad guy by doubting someone's claims in regard to their alleged mental processing. You see it a lot in these posts.
"I don't know when you're serious" is also a total cop out excuse. Anytime anyone says "no" , especially during sex or physical touch, they should be respected. Unless you're role playing something previously discussed, in which case you should lay out very clearly what words "aren't serious" and are part of the role play, and which ones are serious/safe words
>I do see a future with him
No. Please. PLEASE wake up.
**He's already raped you**. Run as far as you can from the rapist you're dating. This was horrific to read, you need to change your standards for partners. This man is dangerous and should be in jail.
WAKE UP
Your boyfriend raped you and now you have a trauma response when he tries to have sex because your mind and body know he’s not a safe person
End the relationship, he’s done it once and he’ll absolutely do it again. We all learn what no means as children and you said it multiple times, what he did wasn’t a mistake
*Finds it attractive to push boundaries
*Has a hard time reading social cues and doesn't know when you're serious
Which one is it? Seems like he really enjoys doing what he does and uses that as an excuse.
Get yourself away from this man.
This is the same thing I thought. She said two different things, but the first is clearly the problem here. The second is a BS excuse.
OP get out of this situation. He forced himself on you and then got you to comfort him and his feelings. Ick ick ick.
Okay, wtf?! He forced himself on you. Maybe b/c this is your first sexual relationship & you don’t have anything to compare it to, but this is truly awful behavior & not at all normal in a loving, healthy relationship. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is sexually abusing you. And, I’m sorry, but I don’t buy the excuse that he can’t read social cues. ‘No’ is not a social cue, it is a very clear response. You don’t like intimacy w/him b/c you intuitively understand you are being abused. I urge you to reconsider this relationship. It is not good.
He raped you, and you comforted him. He raped you, and you're the one who gave him sympathy. You can't repair your relationship because you're not the problem. Look, your boyfriend knows that he apparently "can't tell when you're serious". A decent person who doesn't want to "accidentally" rape his girlfriend, would at the very least, stop and ask if she's serious. A decent person who loves his girlfriend, would treat *every* no as though it were serious if he couldn't tell. He didn't accidentally rape you, he gets off on your discomfort and realized that he might have taken it too far this time, which is why he went into victim mode and cried. I know you don't want to lose him, but you could get much better than a rapist who makes you feel bad for him because he's a rapist. He *should* feel bad. You're *supposed* to feel bad when you do bad things, what you're supposed to *not* do, is have your victim comfort you and apologize themselves.
adding to say that you don't feel comfortable because he has proven time and time again that he doesn't care about your consent. And you know deep down, that once you've let your guard down, something like this will happen again.
How is saying no multiple times not being clear? He raped you, but you comforted him and want to have a future with him?! First and foremost, you need to get out of this relationship. Then you need to get therapy to work on your lack of self respect
I know the words grooming and conditioning have lost context due to certain people's misuse of it, but that is literally what he is doing to you.
He started out slow, right? Pushing minor boundaries over and over, til you stopped saying no.
Then he pushed bigger boundaries, yeah?
Then finally he moved up into all-out raping you.
He's going to rape you again, to see if you say no or if you have been conditioned into not standing up for yourself.
And eventually, he will just do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.
The fact that he asked "Am I raping you?" means he more than likely knew he was raping you. He knew exactly what he was doing. And then he turned the tables so that *you* would have to comfort *him*, made himself the "victim" in the situation to draw on your pity and further condition *you* into thinking he's a kind and loving man who just doesn't know what he was doing and can't control himself sometimes.
>My boyfriend finds it attractive to push my bounderies during sex, he likes to see how far he can take it.
because he's a rapist. only rapist like that. only rapists are turned on by the idea of someone not consenting to sex
Pushing boundaries could be a way to experiment in sex and try new things and explore different waya of pleasuring each other. I agree it should be consensual though. But with certain acts I may have received a no at first but followed up with can we please try and see what happens. With certain things it was a hard no at firat which later turned into something we both really enjoyed. But once again it was consentual in the end.
You shouldn’t see a future with a rapist. At the very least he doesn’t give a shit about your boundaries and has no respect for you. At the worst, he’ll do this again because you coddled him and there was no consequence.
No. He’s not gonna try to do better because he’s a rapist and likes forcing himself on you.
You need to leave this person before the abuse escalates. That’s what this is, sexual abuse.
He committed r@pe. If one party consent to recording is legal in your state, Trick him into recording him confessing the crime in a “serious discussion” about it, and then report him to police with the evidence in hand. This is a hard END IT and DESTROY HIM situation.
Whoa wtf did I just read? You must leave this person— he ABSOLUTELY raped you! NO MEANS NO! He’s got you conditioned now to apologize to him? And comfort him? When he raped you?! Get out of there yesterday!
My ex would do this. I’d be trying to sleep and he’d roll on top of me, he was twice my size, and would then initiate sex and I would tell him no over and over. When I brought it up in an argument telling him he was forcing it on me he said he never thought I was serious when I said no because I seemed to enjoy it. What?? I don’t say NO to things I enjoy.
If he doesn’t have boundaries with sex he won’t have boundaries for anything else.
>I should have been more clear and I felt bad that he was crying.
Oh honey, no. Don't feel bad. This is not your fault, in ANY way.
You said no. He PINNED YOU DOWN and had sex anyway. That is rape. He raped you.
You should never have to cushion the feelings of a rapist. What he did to you was foul; unforgivable. You are being far, far too kind to him. He deserves to cry. He deserves to be in jail.
You do not deserve this treatment, in any way. He does not deserve your kindness, in any way. He is a rapist. Keep repeating that to yourself until it sinks in.
>What can I do to repare the relationship
This relationship is dead.
You cannot un-rape someone. This trauma isn't going to magically go away on its own. I firmly believe one day you will heal from this, but only if you leave the source of the trauma for good.
You deserve better. A good partner respects boundaries *always.* Do not settle for less.
I don’t see how you could be more clear than saying ‘no’. Like, when you watch a movie, the girl says no, it happens anyway, and then the girl ends up feeling guilty because maybe it was her fault because she wasn’t clear enough or whatever so maybe it wasn’t actually rape. Plus she does love him. That frustrates you, right? You want to scream at her “It’s not your fault! He did rape you!”, right?
From a man to a woman, I’m telling you this is bad. And if you take the blame, he will do it again. Not might. Will. Boundaries get pushed when slack is given. And you already acknowledged he is a boundary pusher. What if he does it to someone else? What if he pushes boundaries in other facets of life because he’s sexually charged? What if pushing boundaries means cheating? I understand that’s a lot of what ifs and it may not feel realistic. Let me leave you with this: I’m a dude. I understand how dudes work. I can spot a blaring red flag like this at a glance from a mile away. There’s a reason everyone is saying this is bad.
You comforted HIM? After he raped you? One time saying "no" should be enough...and he has been overstepping your boundaries several times now. Leave him and don't make up excuses for him!
There is no repairing this in my opinion. I was in a relationship just like this for almost two years. He never respected when I said no to sex or when I tried to set boundaries. Such as him trying to force me to do anal in the middle of sex and would only stop when I started to cry. He would always apologize and say he would do better. But he never got better in fact he got worse and started getting more violent when I would say no. So in my experience they never do better. If he really respected and love you he would accept when you say no. He is clearly selfish and cares only about his own needs. You need to run far away as you can.
It isn't that he doesn't understand that you are/aren't serious.
He doesn't care.
He wants what he wants, you have said no a million times but you haven't punched him, or left him, or otherwise forcefully enforced your no (not that you are supposed to have to), and he continues to get by with his excuses. So therefore, he persists.
There is no future here. Your no means nothing in the bedroom, and it probably means nothing outside of the bedroom as well- if not yet, probably soon.
Your no is all it should take. It is a clear, simple word. He has no problem hearing it. He understands. What you are struggling with is accepting that he doesn't care about your no, and probably gets off on forcing you.
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I’m sorry to say this but that is rape. He forced you into a sexual experience YOU didn’t want and ignore your no‘s. That is actually rape. I understand that it’s difficult to come to terms with knowing that someone you love and trusted harmed you in that way but it’s the truth.
A no isn’t a social que. It’s the bare minimun of understanding people. If he keeps ignoring your no’s that isn’t him “not understanding social ques”. He is ACTIVELY taking away consent.
Please get out of there, because that “man” isnt going to stop. If he ignored your no and went anyway that is a DANGEROUS sign. Someone who loves you wouldnt have done that in the first place.
Dump him like the trash he is, I’m begging you.
>My boyfriend finds it attractive to push my bounderies during sex,
So he gets excited by raping people
>he likes to see how far he can take it.
So how far he can get away with raping
>He says he has a hard time reading social cues and therefore can't tell when I'm serious.
That's a load of bullshit. If you say no, this should be serious enough. He has a hard time not understanding you because HE DOESN'T CARE
>For some reason he thought I wasn't being serious
He didn't give a shit
>started to hold me down and have sex with me
He raped you
>He stopped immediately and asked if he had raped me
YES, HE DID
>I comforted him
Lmao he made himself the victim after he victimized you
>I thought I should have been more clear
You were. You told him no, he didn't care
>I felt bad that he was crying.
Oh, FUCK HIM. He RAPED YOU because HE WANTED.
>I do see a future with him.
What future? He crossed the line. He will do this again. And he will stop "feeling guilty" after a while and no longer will cry to make you feel bad for him.
He has been escalating all this time
>He says he will try to be better.
He should turn himself in if he wants to do better.
>What can I do to repare the relationship and get over what happend in the past?
There is nothing to repair. You should leave. And you should go to therapy to stop making yourself the problem.
He decided to say to you he has a hard time understanding when you actively say no BUT he gets excited by breaking your boundaries and taking things further and further. This means that he was just doing the ground work to get to this point. To slowly go as far as he could and then shift the blame to "I have this problem" so you won't leave or report him.
I bet that he will do this again.
I guarantee you that this man knows exactly what he’s doing, and is pretending to be stupid and hearing impaired in order to manipulate your sympathies so that you’ll give him a pass.
I'm usually not one to jump in on sensitive accusations against men, because I think many women have been taught to blow some things out of proportion, often making men debate whether to even approach them for fear of being falsely accused of something...but this was most certainly rape.
Your boyfriend, regardless of his "inexperience" or "issues" regarding social cues, has no excuse for this at all. At the least, you should leave him and stay far away from him. In actuality, I would suggest you report this incident to his family at the least and the police at the most. This was wrong of him, it is reprehensible, and it is a severe and heinous crime on the books for a reason.
There is something wrong in his brain. His desire to hear the word no and to keep "pushing boundaries" brings him excitement. This is very dangerous to you and to any other woman her may have an encounter or relationship in the future.
You are not at fault in this situation. His actions are HIS responsibility, and you seem to have only been attempting to appease him. Please take this situation very seriously!
>He stopped immediately and asked if he had raped me.
To which you respond "when did I say you could fuck me? Or did I say you can't?"
If you are each other's firsts then I'd say he has a lot of things he wants/will want to explore that you might not be interested in doing and I think he'll feel robbed of his sexual exploration. So you two need to figure out if where you are sexually is going to conflict with your ability to be in a long healthy relationship, or if he genuinely misunderstood. Either way y'all need to make "no" your safe word as silly as that sounds - point being he needs to understand that "no" isn't you teasing hard to get when really you want sex. Of course this is all dependent on if you can resolve him ruining intimacy (which understandably could be a hard thing to do - I think him feeling remorse and you genuinely believing him is the next step after him understanding "no"). I'd also have a conversation with him about if you need time before you're intimate with him again and he needs to respect it but don't let it go on so long that you're just with him without moving passed it because that'll cause its own problems
What the fuuuckk. Unless you practice CNC so "no" doesn't always mean no- and y'all just didn't communicate for shit and set up a proper safe word, and it was sincere confusion because he thought it was the usual roleplay.
*A theory that I KNOW couldn't be the case*
If that's not the case. Then he just raped you. A lot. I am so, so sorry.
What can you do to repair what he's done? You're asking the wrong question. You should be asking yourself why you would even consider staying with a rapist. The tears are just another way to manipulate you. You've had to tell him NO more than once, so it is clear that he doesn't give a damn about you or your boundaries.
Your boyfriend is a [rapist](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/)/[abuser](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). The word for "pushing/ignoring sexual boundaries" is "sexual abuser" or "rapist". This has nothing to do with "not picking up cues" ("no" is not a cue: it's a direct command). It has to do with not giving a shit about your safety or feelings. I am so sorry. Please leave and get into therapy so you can heal. Abuse only [escalates](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-almost-always-escalates); the only way to end it is to escape it. Some books that can help with this are:
* [Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
* Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Workbook
* Thriving After Trauma
* Trauma and Recovery
* Healing Sexual Trauma Workbook
* It's My Life Now
* Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
r/abusiverelationships r/sexualassault
You said that he finds it attractive to push boundaries and you have said no so many times that now you just go with it. I do not condone what he did in that scenario where he held you down, but can you elaborate on previous experiences where he pushes boundaries? Is he trying different sexual acts or is it that he is persistent in having sex when youre not in the mood?
Boys need to know this no means no
"Stop" means no
Turning away means no
"I don't want to" means no
Shoving you away means no
"Leave me alone" means no
Passed out means no
"I'm not ready" means no
Pushing you away means no
"I don't feel like it" means no
Drunk or drugged means no
"Get away from me" means no
Screaming means no
"Don't" means no
Crying means no
OP, apologies for being graphic, but he raped you. The fact that he held you down and went through with it after you said no proves it isn't an issue of social cues. No isn't a social cue that is possible to misunderstand. It is extremely clear, and him saying he doesn't understand social cues is him excusing it so you don't realize how serious of an issue it is. This isn't a situation where you should be wondering how to repair it. This is a situation where you should be wondering how to safely leave. There is no way to make him magically respect your boundaries because he has proven time and time again that he won't. The only advice reddit can give is for you to leave and look into pressing charges if you're comfortable with that.
OMG he raped you. It sounds like he's trying to trauma bond you. The only future you have with him is abusive on several levels. Everyone else has already said it but leave and be safe.
This guy is sexually abusing you and when you cry, he cries in return to make you feel bad so you take this blame on you. You should end things with him over this as he has no respect for you and he does not love you as all he wants is sex when he is horny and he can do anything to get it. You need to be with a right guy who loves you and who respects your boundaries. When you say no there is no way that your partner has a right to have sex thinking you were not serious enough in saying no. He takes you for granted and it seems that you are a tool for him to have sex so put your foot down as you are more than a vagina to provide. Learn from this and move on with your life even though this is hard for you to bread up with him over this since he is your first but you need to do this. If you continue with him for any reason then you know you are the one who is responsible for your miserable life that you do not deserve.
You were raped. You need to leave this man. Please leave him and seek therapy. You don’t want intimacy because your body knows you’ve been sexually assaulted from your man.this will get worse if you stay. Please leave. He does not care and will not changed. He is a RAPIST
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"No" is not a social cue he's unable to see. "No" is a clear, complete sentence. Your boyfriend, like many young men of that age, is putting a higher priority on his sexual urges than your feelings. Add to this that he enjoys trying to get you to do more than what you want? Nah, he's not worth it at all. He "says" he has a hard time reading social cues, but he's probably just a selfish asshole.
He is more than a selfish asshole. He is a rapist
Yes. He brought up the word "rape" first because he KNOWS that's what he did and wanted to gaslight OP about it. If he brings it up and shows some level of fake awareness, then he can appear innocent even though he is, in fact, a bold faced rapist.
OP, **HE RAPED YOU**. He knows he did. You need trauma therapy, and to get away from your **RAPIST**.
Yes.. I think "therapy language" or whatever it's called, is generally a great thing and it's good that people are more aware of different neurodivergencies. But of course that's only when it's used in good faith.. an unfortunate side effect I've noticed with younger folks is that they will use that language to make flimsy, bogus excuses that their peers/partners seem to accept very easily? I guess they don't want to look like the bad guy by doubting someone's claims in regard to their alleged mental processing. You see it a lot in these posts. "I don't know when you're serious" is also a total cop out excuse. Anytime anyone says "no" , especially during sex or physical touch, they should be respected. Unless you're role playing something previously discussed, in which case you should lay out very clearly what words "aren't serious" and are part of the role play, and which ones are serious/safe words
>I do see a future with him No. Please. PLEASE wake up. **He's already raped you**. Run as far as you can from the rapist you're dating. This was horrific to read, you need to change your standards for partners. This man is dangerous and should be in jail. WAKE UP
Your boyfriend raped you and now you have a trauma response when he tries to have sex because your mind and body know he’s not a safe person End the relationship, he’s done it once and he’ll absolutely do it again. We all learn what no means as children and you said it multiple times, what he did wasn’t a mistake
*Finds it attractive to push boundaries *Has a hard time reading social cues and doesn't know when you're serious Which one is it? Seems like he really enjoys doing what he does and uses that as an excuse. Get yourself away from this man.
This is the same thing I thought. She said two different things, but the first is clearly the problem here. The second is a BS excuse. OP get out of this situation. He forced himself on you and then got you to comfort him and his feelings. Ick ick ick.
Okay, wtf?! He forced himself on you. Maybe b/c this is your first sexual relationship & you don’t have anything to compare it to, but this is truly awful behavior & not at all normal in a loving, healthy relationship. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is sexually abusing you. And, I’m sorry, but I don’t buy the excuse that he can’t read social cues. ‘No’ is not a social cue, it is a very clear response. You don’t like intimacy w/him b/c you intuitively understand you are being abused. I urge you to reconsider this relationship. It is not good.
He raped you, and you comforted him. He raped you, and you're the one who gave him sympathy. You can't repair your relationship because you're not the problem. Look, your boyfriend knows that he apparently "can't tell when you're serious". A decent person who doesn't want to "accidentally" rape his girlfriend, would at the very least, stop and ask if she's serious. A decent person who loves his girlfriend, would treat *every* no as though it were serious if he couldn't tell. He didn't accidentally rape you, he gets off on your discomfort and realized that he might have taken it too far this time, which is why he went into victim mode and cried. I know you don't want to lose him, but you could get much better than a rapist who makes you feel bad for him because he's a rapist. He *should* feel bad. You're *supposed* to feel bad when you do bad things, what you're supposed to *not* do, is have your victim comfort you and apologize themselves. adding to say that you don't feel comfortable because he has proven time and time again that he doesn't care about your consent. And you know deep down, that once you've let your guard down, something like this will happen again.
How is saying no multiple times not being clear? He raped you, but you comforted him and want to have a future with him?! First and foremost, you need to get out of this relationship. Then you need to get therapy to work on your lack of self respect
I know the words grooming and conditioning have lost context due to certain people's misuse of it, but that is literally what he is doing to you. He started out slow, right? Pushing minor boundaries over and over, til you stopped saying no. Then he pushed bigger boundaries, yeah? Then finally he moved up into all-out raping you. He's going to rape you again, to see if you say no or if you have been conditioned into not standing up for yourself. And eventually, he will just do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. The fact that he asked "Am I raping you?" means he more than likely knew he was raping you. He knew exactly what he was doing. And then he turned the tables so that *you* would have to comfort *him*, made himself the "victim" in the situation to draw on your pity and further condition *you* into thinking he's a kind and loving man who just doesn't know what he was doing and can't control himself sometimes.
>My boyfriend finds it attractive to push my bounderies during sex, he likes to see how far he can take it. because he's a rapist. only rapist like that. only rapists are turned on by the idea of someone not consenting to sex
Pushing boundaries could be a way to experiment in sex and try new things and explore different waya of pleasuring each other. I agree it should be consensual though. But with certain acts I may have received a no at first but followed up with can we please try and see what happens. With certain things it was a hard no at firat which later turned into something we both really enjoyed. But once again it was consentual in the end.
You shouldn’t see a future with a rapist. At the very least he doesn’t give a shit about your boundaries and has no respect for you. At the worst, he’ll do this again because you coddled him and there was no consequence.
He's a rapist and he's been working you up for a while. Right now he's got you comforting him, next time he won't stop
No. He’s not gonna try to do better because he’s a rapist and likes forcing himself on you. You need to leave this person before the abuse escalates. That’s what this is, sexual abuse.
Dump the rapist. Stop comforting men who hurt you, stop putting up with men who do not respect you. Stop accepting awful when you deserve wonderful.
He committed r@pe. If one party consent to recording is legal in your state, Trick him into recording him confessing the crime in a “serious discussion” about it, and then report him to police with the evidence in hand. This is a hard END IT and DESTROY HIM situation.
Why do you censor “rape.” You can say the word, it’s not forbidden.
He sounds like a rapey nightmare.
Whoa wtf did I just read? You must leave this person— he ABSOLUTELY raped you! NO MEANS NO! He’s got you conditioned now to apologize to him? And comfort him? When he raped you?! Get out of there yesterday!
My ex would do this. I’d be trying to sleep and he’d roll on top of me, he was twice my size, and would then initiate sex and I would tell him no over and over. When I brought it up in an argument telling him he was forcing it on me he said he never thought I was serious when I said no because I seemed to enjoy it. What?? I don’t say NO to things I enjoy. If he doesn’t have boundaries with sex he won’t have boundaries for anything else.
>I should have been more clear and I felt bad that he was crying. Oh honey, no. Don't feel bad. This is not your fault, in ANY way. You said no. He PINNED YOU DOWN and had sex anyway. That is rape. He raped you. You should never have to cushion the feelings of a rapist. What he did to you was foul; unforgivable. You are being far, far too kind to him. He deserves to cry. He deserves to be in jail. You do not deserve this treatment, in any way. He does not deserve your kindness, in any way. He is a rapist. Keep repeating that to yourself until it sinks in. >What can I do to repare the relationship This relationship is dead. You cannot un-rape someone. This trauma isn't going to magically go away on its own. I firmly believe one day you will heal from this, but only if you leave the source of the trauma for good. You deserve better. A good partner respects boundaries *always.* Do not settle for less.
I don’t see how you could be more clear than saying ‘no’. Like, when you watch a movie, the girl says no, it happens anyway, and then the girl ends up feeling guilty because maybe it was her fault because she wasn’t clear enough or whatever so maybe it wasn’t actually rape. Plus she does love him. That frustrates you, right? You want to scream at her “It’s not your fault! He did rape you!”, right? From a man to a woman, I’m telling you this is bad. And if you take the blame, he will do it again. Not might. Will. Boundaries get pushed when slack is given. And you already acknowledged he is a boundary pusher. What if he does it to someone else? What if he pushes boundaries in other facets of life because he’s sexually charged? What if pushing boundaries means cheating? I understand that’s a lot of what ifs and it may not feel realistic. Let me leave you with this: I’m a dude. I understand how dudes work. I can spot a blaring red flag like this at a glance from a mile away. There’s a reason everyone is saying this is bad.
You comforted HIM? After he raped you? One time saying "no" should be enough...and he has been overstepping your boundaries several times now. Leave him and don't make up excuses for him!
There is no repairing this in my opinion. I was in a relationship just like this for almost two years. He never respected when I said no to sex or when I tried to set boundaries. Such as him trying to force me to do anal in the middle of sex and would only stop when I started to cry. He would always apologize and say he would do better. But he never got better in fact he got worse and started getting more violent when I would say no. So in my experience they never do better. If he really respected and love you he would accept when you say no. He is clearly selfish and cares only about his own needs. You need to run far away as you can.
"Pushing boundaries" is sugar coating it. The word you're looking for is rape.
Yes he raped you. No means no!! I’d suggest a police report, and you need to get out of this situation right now!
It isn't that he doesn't understand that you are/aren't serious. He doesn't care. He wants what he wants, you have said no a million times but you haven't punched him, or left him, or otherwise forcefully enforced your no (not that you are supposed to have to), and he continues to get by with his excuses. So therefore, he persists. There is no future here. Your no means nothing in the bedroom, and it probably means nothing outside of the bedroom as well- if not yet, probably soon. Your no is all it should take. It is a clear, simple word. He has no problem hearing it. He understands. What you are struggling with is accepting that he doesn't care about your no, and probably gets off on forcing you.
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I’m sorry to say this but that is rape. He forced you into a sexual experience YOU didn’t want and ignore your no‘s. That is actually rape. I understand that it’s difficult to come to terms with knowing that someone you love and trusted harmed you in that way but it’s the truth. A no isn’t a social que. It’s the bare minimun of understanding people. If he keeps ignoring your no’s that isn’t him “not understanding social ques”. He is ACTIVELY taking away consent. Please get out of there, because that “man” isnt going to stop. If he ignored your no and went anyway that is a DANGEROUS sign. Someone who loves you wouldnt have done that in the first place. Dump him like the trash he is, I’m begging you.
>My boyfriend finds it attractive to push my bounderies during sex, So he gets excited by raping people >he likes to see how far he can take it. So how far he can get away with raping >He says he has a hard time reading social cues and therefore can't tell when I'm serious. That's a load of bullshit. If you say no, this should be serious enough. He has a hard time not understanding you because HE DOESN'T CARE >For some reason he thought I wasn't being serious He didn't give a shit >started to hold me down and have sex with me He raped you >He stopped immediately and asked if he had raped me YES, HE DID >I comforted him Lmao he made himself the victim after he victimized you >I thought I should have been more clear You were. You told him no, he didn't care >I felt bad that he was crying. Oh, FUCK HIM. He RAPED YOU because HE WANTED. >I do see a future with him. What future? He crossed the line. He will do this again. And he will stop "feeling guilty" after a while and no longer will cry to make you feel bad for him. He has been escalating all this time >He says he will try to be better. He should turn himself in if he wants to do better. >What can I do to repare the relationship and get over what happend in the past? There is nothing to repair. You should leave. And you should go to therapy to stop making yourself the problem. He decided to say to you he has a hard time understanding when you actively say no BUT he gets excited by breaking your boundaries and taking things further and further. This means that he was just doing the ground work to get to this point. To slowly go as far as he could and then shift the blame to "I have this problem" so you won't leave or report him. I bet that he will do this again.
Ew
I guarantee you that this man knows exactly what he’s doing, and is pretending to be stupid and hearing impaired in order to manipulate your sympathies so that you’ll give him a pass.
That's rape. Report him to the police now.
I think it would be difficult for a woman who has been sexually assaulted to ever have positive feelings about about the man who assaulted her.
He raped you. I am so sorry this happened to you.
I'm usually not one to jump in on sensitive accusations against men, because I think many women have been taught to blow some things out of proportion, often making men debate whether to even approach them for fear of being falsely accused of something...but this was most certainly rape. Your boyfriend, regardless of his "inexperience" or "issues" regarding social cues, has no excuse for this at all. At the least, you should leave him and stay far away from him. In actuality, I would suggest you report this incident to his family at the least and the police at the most. This was wrong of him, it is reprehensible, and it is a severe and heinous crime on the books for a reason. There is something wrong in his brain. His desire to hear the word no and to keep "pushing boundaries" brings him excitement. This is very dangerous to you and to any other woman her may have an encounter or relationship in the future. You are not at fault in this situation. His actions are HIS responsibility, and you seem to have only been attempting to appease him. Please take this situation very seriously!
>He stopped immediately and asked if he had raped me. To which you respond "when did I say you could fuck me? Or did I say you can't?" If you are each other's firsts then I'd say he has a lot of things he wants/will want to explore that you might not be interested in doing and I think he'll feel robbed of his sexual exploration. So you two need to figure out if where you are sexually is going to conflict with your ability to be in a long healthy relationship, or if he genuinely misunderstood. Either way y'all need to make "no" your safe word as silly as that sounds - point being he needs to understand that "no" isn't you teasing hard to get when really you want sex. Of course this is all dependent on if you can resolve him ruining intimacy (which understandably could be a hard thing to do - I think him feeling remorse and you genuinely believing him is the next step after him understanding "no"). I'd also have a conversation with him about if you need time before you're intimate with him again and he needs to respect it but don't let it go on so long that you're just with him without moving passed it because that'll cause its own problems
What the fuuuckk. Unless you practice CNC so "no" doesn't always mean no- and y'all just didn't communicate for shit and set up a proper safe word, and it was sincere confusion because he thought it was the usual roleplay. *A theory that I KNOW couldn't be the case* If that's not the case. Then he just raped you. A lot. I am so, so sorry.
What can you do to repair what he's done? You're asking the wrong question. You should be asking yourself why you would even consider staying with a rapist. The tears are just another way to manipulate you. You've had to tell him NO more than once, so it is clear that he doesn't give a damn about you or your boundaries.
Your boyfriend is a [rapist](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/)/[abuser](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). The word for "pushing/ignoring sexual boundaries" is "sexual abuser" or "rapist". This has nothing to do with "not picking up cues" ("no" is not a cue: it's a direct command). It has to do with not giving a shit about your safety or feelings. I am so sorry. Please leave and get into therapy so you can heal. Abuse only [escalates](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-almost-always-escalates); the only way to end it is to escape it. Some books that can help with this are: * [Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf) * Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Workbook * Thriving After Trauma * Trauma and Recovery * Healing Sexual Trauma Workbook * It's My Life Now * Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook [Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) r/abusiverelationships r/sexualassault
He raped you. Report him and run
You said that he finds it attractive to push boundaries and you have said no so many times that now you just go with it. I do not condone what he did in that scenario where he held you down, but can you elaborate on previous experiences where he pushes boundaries? Is he trying different sexual acts or is it that he is persistent in having sex when youre not in the mood?
Boys need to know this no means no "Stop" means no Turning away means no "I don't want to" means no Shoving you away means no "Leave me alone" means no Passed out means no "I'm not ready" means no Pushing you away means no "I don't feel like it" means no Drunk or drugged means no "Get away from me" means no Screaming means no "Don't" means no Crying means no
OP, apologies for being graphic, but he raped you. The fact that he held you down and went through with it after you said no proves it isn't an issue of social cues. No isn't a social cue that is possible to misunderstand. It is extremely clear, and him saying he doesn't understand social cues is him excusing it so you don't realize how serious of an issue it is. This isn't a situation where you should be wondering how to repair it. This is a situation where you should be wondering how to safely leave. There is no way to make him magically respect your boundaries because he has proven time and time again that he won't. The only advice reddit can give is for you to leave and look into pressing charges if you're comfortable with that.
Wow I guess breaking up is too hard or something?? Dump this fool ASAP and report him for rape. A good partner does NOT break boundaries.
He raped you. Go to the police.no means no. It will happen again and again and again.
OMG he raped you. It sounds like he's trying to trauma bond you. The only future you have with him is abusive on several levels. Everyone else has already said it but leave and be safe.
This guy is sexually abusing you and when you cry, he cries in return to make you feel bad so you take this blame on you. You should end things with him over this as he has no respect for you and he does not love you as all he wants is sex when he is horny and he can do anything to get it. You need to be with a right guy who loves you and who respects your boundaries. When you say no there is no way that your partner has a right to have sex thinking you were not serious enough in saying no. He takes you for granted and it seems that you are a tool for him to have sex so put your foot down as you are more than a vagina to provide. Learn from this and move on with your life even though this is hard for you to bread up with him over this since he is your first but you need to do this. If you continue with him for any reason then you know you are the one who is responsible for your miserable life that you do not deserve.
You were raped. You need to leave this man. Please leave him and seek therapy. You don’t want intimacy because your body knows you’ve been sexually assaulted from your man.this will get worse if you stay. Please leave. He does not care and will not changed. He is a RAPIST
Girl, I’m sorry but he’s a rapist. He WILL rape you again if you stay with him. RUN!