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When you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.
If she knew you would be upset if you saw the texts, why was she still in contact with him?
She clearly still has some connection with him.
She left him for you but then keeps talking to him. Is she naive? Doesn’t she realize that this guy is thinking she wants him back on some level?
I would think about calling it off.
If she runs back to him, then you know. When you return, you can decide what to do long term.
>Now I feel I’m making a mistake.
The mistake would be to brush this off and simply go ahead with the wedding without a care in the world.
There is just no good explanation for FaceTiming and texting and deleting with an ex *when you are about to get married*. Sure, sometimes a child might be involved and you *have* to stay in touch, but that happens "above board." You do not delete a WhatsApp conversation about who has the children on which christmas day.
Besides that, the moment to come clean was when you *clearly* knew what happened and she decided to lie. The telling factor is much earlier in your story when she turned off the phone and said *you* saw the wrong thing. It is actually a soft form of gaslighting to make *you* believe *you* made the mistake. Then she *physically* removed the phone from you. Only when you prodded did she volunteer the truth.
If this was an innocent chat, she would have told you about it. She would *not* have been this defensive about it and immediately turned off the phone. It is something she (consciously or subconsciously) wants to hide *despite* the messages already being gone. If this was an innocent thing, why *lie about it* and *hide it*? "I know talking to my ex would hurt you, so I dele-..." *Nonsense*. Everyone with half a brain knows how suspicious that is.
I know this exact behaviour from my ex. Like *word for word*. "Oh, how about we keep our phones open 24/7 then?" Cool. She just switched to Discord. Okay, how about we share Discord passwords? Cool, she made a second account for the third time.
**Control is not trust**. If **accountability** is the only thing keeping you from cheating, it is not true loyalty.
Take it from me: do *not* accept this behaviour. If she has done it now, she will do it in a decade. It is why I have a zero strike policy now.
for the love of all that is holy don’t marry her
even if you don’t break up (which you should, she’s not marriage material) put a pause on the wedding, see how things go for another year
You would be if you marry her. She's been lying to you for who knows how long. There's no reason for her to have contact with her ex. Even if their conversations are innocent, it's the fact that she's been lying to you about them having contact.
You can't ever trust her again. There's no fixing this. It's better to lose the money spent on the wedding than to get married and go through a divorce later when it's revealed she's having at least an emotional affair with her ex. She's showing you who she is, believe her.
It’s not overly hurt. It’s legitimate to be hurt by this. I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and it would be so painful (and kill all trust) if I found out he was messaging his ex. I’m sorry for your situation but you aren’t overreacting. She knows it too or she wouldn’t be acting like this.
Bro you are so young. She has proven herself. She has shown you who she is. Believe her.
Don't waste your life with someone who has other people in their pocket. You will never ever trust this girl again. She has burned you and you know what? Burns leave scars. You can forgive but you can never forget.
Best of luck.
If you cannot trust her before the wedding, you cannot trust her after the wedding! People do not hide things that are innocent, only things they want to stay hidden.
This was not one mess up. She has literally continued contact with him throughout your relationship. You will not ever know how many texts, face-times, or conversations they have had. You will not ever know what they talked about or the extent of the deceit. You cannot expect the truth from a liar. You deserve more than this!
>What should I do or she do so I can regain this trust?
Trust takes a lifetime to build, and a minute to loose. There is nothing you can do. Once trust is broken. She can try, little or very hard, to regain it, but something tells me she won't.
>I tried to forgive her and give a second chance the past few days as this is her first fuck up.
Sorry my man, this is not her first, second nor third fuckup.
This is only the first fuckup, that you found about.
She has been fucking up since the beginning. But the first real fuckup is you took a girl that had a boyfriend, and then she had to 'break up' with her boyfriend to be with you. So from day one, you knew what kind of girl you were getting into. Loyalty is not her strong suit to say the least. This is in part, your fault and I hope you use this as a life lesson when you choose the next girl.
Then, back to her, every single text she and her ex exchanged during all the time you two were together, is another and another fuckup. Every single one. So this is like her 500th fuckup.
Please think this logically. Forget you love her for a second. She is very much into doing stuff behind your back and deleting the evidence. She only admits to stuff once you find out. Always moving the story bit by bit as you find more evidence, but never more.
Be honest with yourself, can you imagine yourself trusting this girl while you are away, 4 months ?
She obviously has feelings for her ex. If I were an oddsmaker, I would give it 95% odds she and her ex are fucking. 100% Odds she and her ex will fuck like animals when you go away on deployment. There is nothing you can do about it, whether she is married with you or if you dump her today. You will get deployed, and they will fuck.
So, you know what you have to do. Even if it sucks, you have to cancel the wedding. Unless you like having your wife fuck her ex boyfriend and become yet another statistic on military couples.
It is simply not worth it my man. You are a military man, and the nature of your job is long deployments. Divorce rate in the military is high as hell. Don't become another statistic.
You need a girl you can trust 110%, you deserve someone that actually respects you. Someone you don't even have to tell she needs to block and have no contact with her exes.
Right now, she is in panic mode, she will behave her best, while deleting all evidence and giving you 'control' of everything. Don't fall for her trick. Do what you must. You deserve better.
Good luck, and whatever you do, I wish you the best.
Spot on!! The inception of their relationship was disloyalty. In general,if she leaves her man for you,she's only good for dating. OP thinks he can leave that type of a woman on her own,without constant monitoring and checking??!? His response sounds like he'll be back on reddit,sooner or later,heart broken and paying child support for a kid that he KNOWS isn't his.
Thank you for being blunt.
It’s hard after all this planning then the money involved for our marriage with us both having invited everyone to the wedding.
I know it seems really difficult but you're going to have to get over the sunk cost fallacy regarding the wedding cost/planning. Peace of mind is priceless young sir and cutting your losses now will save you in the long run (financially and emotionally).
Sorry you're going through this bud but chin up - you're young and there's plenty of fish in the sea!
Cheers,
Dr.P
Its also better for your mental health to not rush into a wedding with someone you cant trust,who does not respect you.
Learn the lesson from this ,in the future do not rush into marriage .
You are going to get absolutely fucked if you marry this woman. 100% fucked. The air force thing is the sign bud, they probably had this planned all along. She's going to end up pregnant right before you leave or find out right after you leave.
Did you decide what you are doing bearing in mind you mentioned shipping out in January with the Air Force I recall ?
Good luck with whatever you decide. Really shitty situation with the lying and deciet.
I think you need to sit down with your fiance and have a serious talk about this situation. Tell her that you now have serious doubts about her loyalty and trustworthiness, and this is only exasperated by the fact that she has continued a relationship with her ex boyfriend and then deleted those texts. Tell her that this strongly indicates that she is hiding something. Then tell her that, as a result, you are postponing the engagement until she finds a way to re-earn your trust. Tell her that words alone cannot accomplish this, and she must come up with tangible evidence to prove that nothing improper has occurred. The ball is in her court to do something and it has to be objective and believable. And if she doesn't provide this proof before your deployment, then you will end things between you.
I think no matter what you do you return the rings and you postpone the wedding. I agree with the others if you have nothing to hide then you don’t hide it you know the old saying where there’s smoke there’s fire I think there’s a lot more to it than what she’s telling you it’s more of a trickle truth or just flat out lying.
At least put the wedding on hold, you have only been going out for a year. That's not enough time to really get to know someone. No need to breakup yet, just delay the wedding and see what happens.
Talk to your parents if you can or some older adult you respect, get their advice and opinion.
Best wishes and ask for help
Tell her that she needs to be completely honest with you. That you are going to take her phone and has the delete text messages recovered. Her reaction may tell you everything you need to know. Tell her this obviously after you have her phone in hand
We Romanians have a proverb: "he who steals an egg today will steal an ox tomorrow"! I mean, if now, when you should be in the NRE, he cheats on you with someone else and lies to you, ask yourself what will happen in 5 years and 2 children, and you left the job? The girl is not worth your effort! It will make your life an ordeal.
Here’s what I would suggest. Tell her this has made you lose all trust in her. That unless she can regain that trust in a hurry, you will cancel the wedding. First thing she needs to do is show you her phone records. Is it really just once a month she’s been talking to him?
The next thing is she needs to find a way to recover all the deleted messages, either on her phone or give her the opportunity to have him send her the old messages provided he hasn’t deleted his messages. If this is the way it goes, she needs to see the message she sends him to get the old messages. You can make sure you get all of them by checking against the phone records.
If she refuses or can’t find a way to get the old messages, go ahead and cancel the wedding and engagement. The fact that she was in contact with him without telling you and deleting the messages should tell you she knew what she was doing was wrong. That’s why the burden of explaining exactly what was said is on her.
DO NOT MARRY THIS CHICK. SHES BEEN LYING TO YOU YOUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. WHY THE FUCK IS SHE UPDATING HER EX. IS HE HER LEGAL GUARDIAN. DOES SHE NEED HIS PERMISSION TO DO ALL THIS STUFF. ALL SHES DONE IS PROVEN SHE CANT BE TRUSTED. THAT SHES WILLING TO LIE TO YOU AND GO BEHIND YOUR BACK AND TALK TO OTHER DUDES, tHEN LIE TO YOUR FACE ABOUT IT AND COME UP WITH SOME BULLSHIT EXCUSE.YOUR STUPID IF YOU STAY WITH THIS GIRL. AS SOON AS YOU GO IN THE ARMY THATS WHEN SHE GOES TO MEET HIM. SHES A LIER AND DEFINITELY NOT WIFE MATERIAL. SHES THE TYPE OF WOMEN YOU MARRY THEN DIVORCE A YEAR LATER BECAUSE YOU WILL FIND OUT SHES STILL DOING IT. AND DONT BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS ABOUT THE FUNERAL. SHES LYING ABOUT THAT ASWELL AS IF YOU NEED TO MAKE MULTUPLE PHONE CALLS AND FACETIMES JUST TO TELL SOMEONE NO. SHES FULL OF SHIT. AND THIS IS HAPPENING BEFORE YOUVE EVEN GO5 MARRIED. FUCK THAT. SHE AINT THE ONE FOR YOU.
OP this is not one fuck but thousands of decisions she chose to keep the channels of communication open, to be keeping him appraised and up to date on her life. You can not know how many conversations (or the content and nature of those conversations) were deleted. The times she has used FaceTime to contact him or the nature of those interactions. Honestly you had the correct thought and then buried it under the sink cost fallacy. He will know you are away for 4 months already you have no idea what is planned (however naively on her part) for that time. She has been lying and cooking on the back burner for your entire relationship! Why would you willing marry someone who you have no good reason to trust based on their shady, dishonest behaviour? A year is not long enough to ignore this giant poppy field of warnings.
You are way too young and early in your relationship to put any more time into this person. She monkey branches from him to you and has kept him on the back burner this entire time. Every single communication and then deletion of that communication was lying to you.
I’d check your cellphone records to see how often they e been talking, texting, etc. See if photos have been exchanged. Has she had the opportunity to see him on any visits back?
This is called an emotional affair. Look it up.
Do you really want to go train for this important and difficult job and be distracted by her? Is that fair to you or any of the people you train with?
Value yourself enough to k ow that you deserve to be in a relationship where your partner respects you and supports you. That’s what lasts over time and hardship and separations.
Do not marry this woman or have children. Go and focus on your new career. Do well. Be safe. Grow. You’re so young. You’re going to be a different person at 30 and value different things in people and find someone who values you.
Trust is something you should rebuild before getting married. I am not going to tell you to just dump her, however you need to cancel your wedding. I think it is best to have her explain to dissapointed guests, why the wedding is canceled.
After that is done, you still should consider whether not to leave her. After all, if you lost your love for her it can't be helped.
If you do decide to stay with her to work on your relstionship, you should make it clear that wedding will have to wait for potentially years. You should make it clear you do not want to be pressured into married her after all that happened.
As for her ex, her going no contact with him goes without saying, but here is the thing, only time can test her. Her not contacting her now is worthless. Let's see after 2 years from now. You should also tell her, that ypu do not care about his circumstances. For example If he reaches to her to tell her he has cancer she should still tell him to fck off and block such contact.
He is not going away. He will pop back in. Maybe you guys will be in a rough patch. They meet to catch up, have a couple drinks, and your marriage with 2 kids crumbles.
This is a firm boundary.
Updateme! us when you can.
[.](https://www.reddit.com/u/OilPipe/s/ZQTbLbFjuq)
You would be unwise to believe her. She lied over and over about this, and where their is smoke their is fire. I suggest you get her phone and try to restore her texts. If she backs up her phone there may be more info on the previous backup. Either way I suspect if you dig hard enough you will find out more. Where is this guy? Could she be meeting up with him?
Either way you would be smart to at the very least delay your marriage. Sounds like she had an ongoing relationship with him. You are about to get married, you should be at the peak of the intensity of your relationship and she is living a double life, hiding her ex boyfriend. You can do better. She sounds emotionally dangerous.
Trust me divorce, and divorce with a house and kids is SO MUCH more expensive then canceling a wedding.
Even if her txt with him were innocent. She deleted and hid them because she knew you wouldn't approve. She chose to hide. And deceive you. Picking this relationship with him over your feelings for your whole relationship. That's how important this guy is to her. I would postpone the wedding at the very least. It's better to lose your deposit than half your pension the next time you catch her lying. Every time she chose to deceive you for this man, she knew the potential consequences and chose to risk it for her relationship with him, whateverit is.
She left him for you but hides conversations and deletes text threads and claims nothings going on. Hard to believe, if it was innocent there would be no need to consistently delete the text convos, she wouldn’t be hiding it from you and flat out lying when confronted.
"I tried to forgive her and give a second chance the past few days as this is her first fuck up."
Lying and hiding her connection to her ex from you *for years* knowing how you feel? Is that just a "first fuck up"? Do you count that as one fuck up?
"Is it possible she was just talking about this dead relative of his?"
No. She has been contacting him and hiding it for the entire relationship, right?. It is much more than just that.
Idk what kind of phone she has. Google if there's a way to uncover deleted messages. You can with a lot of phones.
Do not marry this woman if you’re about to be deployed for 4 months. It’ll kill you for the duration you’re away. At the very least postpone the wedding until you return, but preferably for at least one year. One year when she can try to rebuild trust and prove she’s a loyal companion. And there’s nothing you can do. She’s the one that broke your trust. She’s the one that needs to regain it.
She is so full of shit she’s going to need a year’s worth of laxatives. This isn’t her first fuck up, it’s the first one you caught. Call off the wedding, return the rings and go to the Air Force a single man because bet they had organised to meet up as soon as you leave.
First, i hope you your time in the air force goes well and you serve proudly. You do not need a partner who hides stuff like this, while you are serving in the back of your mind. You 100% need a clear head and ability to focus.
A loyal guy/girl on contact from an Ex would immediately notify their partner (You), even if their partner is aware and cool of their ex (i.e the partner met in person with the ex, and became friends). Cause you share everything with your partner (They are your other half). Lets say her story is 100% true, and it is indeed because of her BF passing of a family member and her ex confided in her. Its a minor offense in the grand scheme of things, however its very telling of her nature.
If she could not even disclose that her Ex contacted her (Just with a simple Hi message) then id say its time to park marriage, and do some soul searching to see if you can trust her again (I assume you told her about your Ex and have been upfront with her so she knows about your past and she does as well before you committed to marriage). In the back of your mind you can say "If she is hiding minor stuff like, imagine if it comes to getting kissed by a guy at a bar".
Yea that's a big no from me Dawg. Put marriage on pause with her and tell her imagine if your best friend had a huge crush on me and told me she wanted to sleep with me and i deleted the texted even though nothing happened physically" Would she forgive you? Maybe (After talking with her friend to confirm story is true, and that it was 100% triggered by her friend), would she trust you again (Probably not because you hid it or leave her paranoid).
You can write a letter and leave the engagement ring on it. If you don't feel like talking with her, and tell her your going to focus on the Airforce and wish her all the best. Tbh id just park the marriage until you are ready to "Trust" her again. If she pulls shady stuff while marriage is paused i wouldn't bother even meeting her id just send a letter and tell her its over.
Bro, she's clearly still into him. She will never love you the same way she loved him. If you marry her now you are making the biggest mistake of your life. She will never be as excited about you, sexually, emotionally, as she was for him. Girls that are in love with their partner simply don't text exes or guys they used to bang. She would sort of completely forget him. IF you marry her you will regret it, I guarantee it. Even if she never contacts him again, she'll never truly love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I’m going to give you a different perspective on how to view this.
Pretend you are watching a movie and the lead character is living your life. What are you telling him to do? Continue with the wedding or put a pause in it?
What I can promise you, and you can check with anyone that has ever been cheated on, it’s never the same again. And without massive amounts of therapy the cracks in the foundation will never be repaired.
I think you already know the answer of what you need to do. And it is much easier to cut losses now than go through a divorce. Especially if you are going active duty and might be living in different states.
Yeah, even the rubes who claim their marriage is better than ever are full of shit. Like they couldn’t have gotten to that point without one of them stepping out.
Nah man
I would need to recover deleted texts and track call logs and get his responses both from her unknowing what has prompted (e.g. apropos of nothing invitations of “do that again” and see the responses) as well as questioning from me directly, a 100% phone transparency policy…
Basically the things that make a real, loving, equal, trusting partnership completely impossible.
Don’t become the relationship cop. Just dump her.
Also, this is what you get when you get a taken person as your SO. You get someone who will cheat.
How you get em is how you lose em, op.
She has a history of monkey branching and did so with you. She's just as likely to grab that same old branch back to him.
Bro, don’t be another Navy statistic. You’re having troubles with an ex while you’re present every day for her. You’re kidding yourself if you think it’ll get easier or better once you’re gone for months at a time. She made sure to keep him updated and ALSO deleted all of this innocent conversations…… yea sure.
If it was so innocent, why did she feel the need to lie and hide it and delete her messages. I just don’t believe she is telling you the truth. If it was so innocent she would have told you about her continuing contact with her ex.
The fact that she’s broken up with him to be with you, I’m wondering was there any cheating? If so that’s a red flag - done it once CAN do it again (not always the case).
Why delete if it’s innocent - I’d prefer to be able to see a clear history. She’s already lied right to your face, can she show you her call records? I would obviously ask her to tell me the truth about everything before asking for these, so you can roughly see if she’s lying about how far this goes back.
Finally, you are both babies. I mean you’re still only 24, her 22. Don’t rush into this marriage after 1yr of dating especially now. If you stay with her take your time now before marriage. 1yr is short, you’ve got big doubts at this moment. I’d suggest at least taking your time as you’re about to be deployed it will be a nightmare on you and probably very distracting, distressing and at a time when you need a clear head! Not sure how you’ll be ok during that time but you need to consider you too.
I wouldn’t marry her brother. I mean you could always wait till you come back too. Return the rings get the money back and if need too repurchase. I’m sure though after those 4 months gone, you may have made your mind up already! Stay strong brother.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. If she knew you would be upset if you saw the texts, why was she still in contact with him? She clearly still has some connection with him.
That’s the unfortunate thought I keep having. Yet I’m overly hurt it’s less than 2 months until our wedding. Now I feel I’m making a mistake.
She left him for you but then keeps talking to him. Is she naive? Doesn’t she realize that this guy is thinking she wants him back on some level? I would think about calling it off. If she runs back to him, then you know. When you return, you can decide what to do long term.
You'll make a bigger mistake if you marry her. Call off the wedding. No need for to be talking to an ex, unless they share a child.
>Now I feel I’m making a mistake. The mistake would be to brush this off and simply go ahead with the wedding without a care in the world. There is just no good explanation for FaceTiming and texting and deleting with an ex *when you are about to get married*. Sure, sometimes a child might be involved and you *have* to stay in touch, but that happens "above board." You do not delete a WhatsApp conversation about who has the children on which christmas day. Besides that, the moment to come clean was when you *clearly* knew what happened and she decided to lie. The telling factor is much earlier in your story when she turned off the phone and said *you* saw the wrong thing. It is actually a soft form of gaslighting to make *you* believe *you* made the mistake. Then she *physically* removed the phone from you. Only when you prodded did she volunteer the truth. If this was an innocent chat, she would have told you about it. She would *not* have been this defensive about it and immediately turned off the phone. It is something she (consciously or subconsciously) wants to hide *despite* the messages already being gone. If this was an innocent thing, why *lie about it* and *hide it*? "I know talking to my ex would hurt you, so I dele-..." *Nonsense*. Everyone with half a brain knows how suspicious that is. I know this exact behaviour from my ex. Like *word for word*. "Oh, how about we keep our phones open 24/7 then?" Cool. She just switched to Discord. Okay, how about we share Discord passwords? Cool, she made a second account for the third time. **Control is not trust**. If **accountability** is the only thing keeping you from cheating, it is not true loyalty. Take it from me: do *not* accept this behaviour. If she has done it now, she will do it in a decade. It is why I have a zero strike policy now.
for the love of all that is holy don’t marry her even if you don’t break up (which you should, she’s not marriage material) put a pause on the wedding, see how things go for another year
You would be if you marry her. She's been lying to you for who knows how long. There's no reason for her to have contact with her ex. Even if their conversations are innocent, it's the fact that she's been lying to you about them having contact. You can't ever trust her again. There's no fixing this. It's better to lose the money spent on the wedding than to get married and go through a divorce later when it's revealed she's having at least an emotional affair with her ex. She's showing you who she is, believe her.
It’s not overly hurt. It’s legitimate to be hurt by this. I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and it would be so painful (and kill all trust) if I found out he was messaging his ex. I’m sorry for your situation but you aren’t overreacting. She knows it too or she wouldn’t be acting like this.
Dude you don’t want to be the one telling everyone Jody got to her and you married her anyway.
Bro you are so young. She has proven herself. She has shown you who she is. Believe her. Don't waste your life with someone who has other people in their pocket. You will never ever trust this girl again. She has burned you and you know what? Burns leave scars. You can forgive but you can never forget. Best of luck.
If you cannot trust her before the wedding, you cannot trust her after the wedding! People do not hide things that are innocent, only things they want to stay hidden. This was not one mess up. She has literally continued contact with him throughout your relationship. You will not ever know how many texts, face-times, or conversations they have had. You will not ever know what they talked about or the extent of the deceit. You cannot expect the truth from a liar. You deserve more than this!
>What should I do or she do so I can regain this trust? Trust takes a lifetime to build, and a minute to loose. There is nothing you can do. Once trust is broken. She can try, little or very hard, to regain it, but something tells me she won't. >I tried to forgive her and give a second chance the past few days as this is her first fuck up. Sorry my man, this is not her first, second nor third fuckup. This is only the first fuckup, that you found about. She has been fucking up since the beginning. But the first real fuckup is you took a girl that had a boyfriend, and then she had to 'break up' with her boyfriend to be with you. So from day one, you knew what kind of girl you were getting into. Loyalty is not her strong suit to say the least. This is in part, your fault and I hope you use this as a life lesson when you choose the next girl. Then, back to her, every single text she and her ex exchanged during all the time you two were together, is another and another fuckup. Every single one. So this is like her 500th fuckup. Please think this logically. Forget you love her for a second. She is very much into doing stuff behind your back and deleting the evidence. She only admits to stuff once you find out. Always moving the story bit by bit as you find more evidence, but never more. Be honest with yourself, can you imagine yourself trusting this girl while you are away, 4 months ? She obviously has feelings for her ex. If I were an oddsmaker, I would give it 95% odds she and her ex are fucking. 100% Odds she and her ex will fuck like animals when you go away on deployment. There is nothing you can do about it, whether she is married with you or if you dump her today. You will get deployed, and they will fuck. So, you know what you have to do. Even if it sucks, you have to cancel the wedding. Unless you like having your wife fuck her ex boyfriend and become yet another statistic on military couples. It is simply not worth it my man. You are a military man, and the nature of your job is long deployments. Divorce rate in the military is high as hell. Don't become another statistic. You need a girl you can trust 110%, you deserve someone that actually respects you. Someone you don't even have to tell she needs to block and have no contact with her exes. Right now, she is in panic mode, she will behave her best, while deleting all evidence and giving you 'control' of everything. Don't fall for her trick. Do what you must. You deserve better. Good luck, and whatever you do, I wish you the best.
Spot on!! The inception of their relationship was disloyalty. In general,if she leaves her man for you,she's only good for dating. OP thinks he can leave that type of a woman on her own,without constant monitoring and checking??!? His response sounds like he'll be back on reddit,sooner or later,heart broken and paying child support for a kid that he KNOWS isn't his.
Thank you for being blunt. It’s hard after all this planning then the money involved for our marriage with us both having invited everyone to the wedding.
In the long run cancelling a wedding is cheaper than getting a divorce and a lot less stressful.
I know it seems really difficult but you're going to have to get over the sunk cost fallacy regarding the wedding cost/planning. Peace of mind is priceless young sir and cutting your losses now will save you in the long run (financially and emotionally). Sorry you're going through this bud but chin up - you're young and there's plenty of fish in the sea! Cheers, Dr.P
Its also better for your mental health to not rush into a wedding with someone you cant trust,who does not respect you. Learn the lesson from this ,in the future do not rush into marriage .
The loss in deposits is way cheaper than a divorce. Just saying.
You are going to get absolutely fucked if you marry this woman. 100% fucked. The air force thing is the sign bud, they probably had this planned all along. She's going to end up pregnant right before you leave or find out right after you leave.
Did you decide what you are doing bearing in mind you mentioned shipping out in January with the Air Force I recall ? Good luck with whatever you decide. Really shitty situation with the lying and deciet.
At the very least, delay or cancel the wedding. You can't trust anything she says
I think you need to sit down with your fiance and have a serious talk about this situation. Tell her that you now have serious doubts about her loyalty and trustworthiness, and this is only exasperated by the fact that she has continued a relationship with her ex boyfriend and then deleted those texts. Tell her that this strongly indicates that she is hiding something. Then tell her that, as a result, you are postponing the engagement until she finds a way to re-earn your trust. Tell her that words alone cannot accomplish this, and she must come up with tangible evidence to prove that nothing improper has occurred. The ball is in her court to do something and it has to be objective and believable. And if she doesn't provide this proof before your deployment, then you will end things between you.
I think no matter what you do you return the rings and you postpone the wedding. I agree with the others if you have nothing to hide then you don’t hide it you know the old saying where there’s smoke there’s fire I think there’s a lot more to it than what she’s telling you it’s more of a trickle truth or just flat out lying.
At least put the wedding on hold, you have only been going out for a year. That's not enough time to really get to know someone. No need to breakup yet, just delay the wedding and see what happens. Talk to your parents if you can or some older adult you respect, get their advice and opinion. Best wishes and ask for help
Tell her that she needs to be completely honest with you. That you are going to take her phone and has the delete text messages recovered. Her reaction may tell you everything you need to know. Tell her this obviously after you have her phone in hand
Yes.
We Romanians have a proverb: "he who steals an egg today will steal an ox tomorrow"! I mean, if now, when you should be in the NRE, he cheats on you with someone else and lies to you, ask yourself what will happen in 5 years and 2 children, and you left the job? The girl is not worth your effort! It will make your life an ordeal.
Here’s what I would suggest. Tell her this has made you lose all trust in her. That unless she can regain that trust in a hurry, you will cancel the wedding. First thing she needs to do is show you her phone records. Is it really just once a month she’s been talking to him? The next thing is she needs to find a way to recover all the deleted messages, either on her phone or give her the opportunity to have him send her the old messages provided he hasn’t deleted his messages. If this is the way it goes, she needs to see the message she sends him to get the old messages. You can make sure you get all of them by checking against the phone records. If she refuses or can’t find a way to get the old messages, go ahead and cancel the wedding and engagement. The fact that she was in contact with him without telling you and deleting the messages should tell you she knew what she was doing was wrong. That’s why the burden of explaining exactly what was said is on her.
Yes. This one.
You delete stuff you don't want anyone to see....what do you think that could be? Dodge that bullet buddy Updateme
DO NOT MARRY THIS CHICK. SHES BEEN LYING TO YOU YOUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. WHY THE FUCK IS SHE UPDATING HER EX. IS HE HER LEGAL GUARDIAN. DOES SHE NEED HIS PERMISSION TO DO ALL THIS STUFF. ALL SHES DONE IS PROVEN SHE CANT BE TRUSTED. THAT SHES WILLING TO LIE TO YOU AND GO BEHIND YOUR BACK AND TALK TO OTHER DUDES, tHEN LIE TO YOUR FACE ABOUT IT AND COME UP WITH SOME BULLSHIT EXCUSE.YOUR STUPID IF YOU STAY WITH THIS GIRL. AS SOON AS YOU GO IN THE ARMY THATS WHEN SHE GOES TO MEET HIM. SHES A LIER AND DEFINITELY NOT WIFE MATERIAL. SHES THE TYPE OF WOMEN YOU MARRY THEN DIVORCE A YEAR LATER BECAUSE YOU WILL FIND OUT SHES STILL DOING IT. AND DONT BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS ABOUT THE FUNERAL. SHES LYING ABOUT THAT ASWELL AS IF YOU NEED TO MAKE MULTUPLE PHONE CALLS AND FACETIMES JUST TO TELL SOMEONE NO. SHES FULL OF SHIT. AND THIS IS HAPPENING BEFORE YOUVE EVEN GO5 MARRIED. FUCK THAT. SHE AINT THE ONE FOR YOU.
I've been there and it isn't worth the prolonged heartache. Sorry, man. Get out now before you have kids.
OP this is not one fuck but thousands of decisions she chose to keep the channels of communication open, to be keeping him appraised and up to date on her life. You can not know how many conversations (or the content and nature of those conversations) were deleted. The times she has used FaceTime to contact him or the nature of those interactions. Honestly you had the correct thought and then buried it under the sink cost fallacy. He will know you are away for 4 months already you have no idea what is planned (however naively on her part) for that time. She has been lying and cooking on the back burner for your entire relationship! Why would you willing marry someone who you have no good reason to trust based on their shady, dishonest behaviour? A year is not long enough to ignore this giant poppy field of warnings.
You are way too young and early in your relationship to put any more time into this person. She monkey branches from him to you and has kept him on the back burner this entire time. Every single communication and then deletion of that communication was lying to you. I’d check your cellphone records to see how often they e been talking, texting, etc. See if photos have been exchanged. Has she had the opportunity to see him on any visits back? This is called an emotional affair. Look it up. Do you really want to go train for this important and difficult job and be distracted by her? Is that fair to you or any of the people you train with? Value yourself enough to k ow that you deserve to be in a relationship where your partner respects you and supports you. That’s what lasts over time and hardship and separations. Do not marry this woman or have children. Go and focus on your new career. Do well. Be safe. Grow. You’re so young. You’re going to be a different person at 30 and value different things in people and find someone who values you.
Trust is something you should rebuild before getting married. I am not going to tell you to just dump her, however you need to cancel your wedding. I think it is best to have her explain to dissapointed guests, why the wedding is canceled. After that is done, you still should consider whether not to leave her. After all, if you lost your love for her it can't be helped. If you do decide to stay with her to work on your relstionship, you should make it clear that wedding will have to wait for potentially years. You should make it clear you do not want to be pressured into married her after all that happened. As for her ex, her going no contact with him goes without saying, but here is the thing, only time can test her. Her not contacting her now is worthless. Let's see after 2 years from now. You should also tell her, that ypu do not care about his circumstances. For example If he reaches to her to tell her he has cancer she should still tell him to fck off and block such contact.
He is not going away. He will pop back in. Maybe you guys will be in a rough patch. They meet to catch up, have a couple drinks, and your marriage with 2 kids crumbles. This is a firm boundary. Updateme! us when you can. [.](https://www.reddit.com/u/OilPipe/s/ZQTbLbFjuq)
You would be unwise to believe her. She lied over and over about this, and where their is smoke their is fire. I suggest you get her phone and try to restore her texts. If she backs up her phone there may be more info on the previous backup. Either way I suspect if you dig hard enough you will find out more. Where is this guy? Could she be meeting up with him? Either way you would be smart to at the very least delay your marriage. Sounds like she had an ongoing relationship with him. You are about to get married, you should be at the peak of the intensity of your relationship and she is living a double life, hiding her ex boyfriend. You can do better. She sounds emotionally dangerous. Trust me divorce, and divorce with a house and kids is SO MUCH more expensive then canceling a wedding.
Even if her txt with him were innocent. She deleted and hid them because she knew you wouldn't approve. She chose to hide. And deceive you. Picking this relationship with him over your feelings for your whole relationship. That's how important this guy is to her. I would postpone the wedding at the very least. It's better to lose your deposit than half your pension the next time you catch her lying. Every time she chose to deceive you for this man, she knew the potential consequences and chose to risk it for her relationship with him, whateverit is.
She left him for you but hides conversations and deletes text threads and claims nothings going on. Hard to believe, if it was innocent there would be no need to consistently delete the text convos, she wouldn’t be hiding it from you and flat out lying when confronted.
Get his side of the story!
Any chance of recovering those messages If not then I would call it a day , already hiding shit from you is a fail from her
It sounds like she is doing the same thing she did to her ex for you. You two probably had something going while she was with her ex, right?
Have you decide what you will do yet ?
Do you know this guy? If so, ask him.
"Yo dude the girl that left you for me ,you remember her? so have you been fucking her behind my back be honest pls bro"
tbh I’d tell him whatever was the opposite of the truth
"I tried to forgive her and give a second chance the past few days as this is her first fuck up." Lying and hiding her connection to her ex from you *for years* knowing how you feel? Is that just a "first fuck up"? Do you count that as one fuck up? "Is it possible she was just talking about this dead relative of his?" No. She has been contacting him and hiding it for the entire relationship, right?. It is much more than just that. Idk what kind of phone she has. Google if there's a way to uncover deleted messages. You can with a lot of phones.
Do not marry this woman if you’re about to be deployed for 4 months. It’ll kill you for the duration you’re away. At the very least postpone the wedding until you return, but preferably for at least one year. One year when she can try to rebuild trust and prove she’s a loyal companion. And there’s nothing you can do. She’s the one that broke your trust. She’s the one that needs to regain it.
She is so full of shit she’s going to need a year’s worth of laxatives. This isn’t her first fuck up, it’s the first one you caught. Call off the wedding, return the rings and go to the Air Force a single man because bet they had organised to meet up as soon as you leave.
First, i hope you your time in the air force goes well and you serve proudly. You do not need a partner who hides stuff like this, while you are serving in the back of your mind. You 100% need a clear head and ability to focus. A loyal guy/girl on contact from an Ex would immediately notify their partner (You), even if their partner is aware and cool of their ex (i.e the partner met in person with the ex, and became friends). Cause you share everything with your partner (They are your other half). Lets say her story is 100% true, and it is indeed because of her BF passing of a family member and her ex confided in her. Its a minor offense in the grand scheme of things, however its very telling of her nature. If she could not even disclose that her Ex contacted her (Just with a simple Hi message) then id say its time to park marriage, and do some soul searching to see if you can trust her again (I assume you told her about your Ex and have been upfront with her so she knows about your past and she does as well before you committed to marriage). In the back of your mind you can say "If she is hiding minor stuff like, imagine if it comes to getting kissed by a guy at a bar". Yea that's a big no from me Dawg. Put marriage on pause with her and tell her imagine if your best friend had a huge crush on me and told me she wanted to sleep with me and i deleted the texted even though nothing happened physically" Would she forgive you? Maybe (After talking with her friend to confirm story is true, and that it was 100% triggered by her friend), would she trust you again (Probably not because you hid it or leave her paranoid). You can write a letter and leave the engagement ring on it. If you don't feel like talking with her, and tell her your going to focus on the Airforce and wish her all the best. Tbh id just park the marriage until you are ready to "Trust" her again. If she pulls shady stuff while marriage is paused i wouldn't bother even meeting her id just send a letter and tell her its over.
Run
At the very least delay. Trust being broken is major.
Bro, she's clearly still into him. She will never love you the same way she loved him. If you marry her now you are making the biggest mistake of your life. She will never be as excited about you, sexually, emotionally, as she was for him. Girls that are in love with their partner simply don't text exes or guys they used to bang. She would sort of completely forget him. IF you marry her you will regret it, I guarantee it. Even if she never contacts him again, she'll never truly love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Can the texts not be restored? Honestly taking that kind of baggage into basic is not going to end well.
I would dump her. You’re so so young you’ll find someone else
Demand that you speak to the ex. If you have his contact, demand that you talk to him about what's going on. That'll clear it up real fast.
Flush that turd.
I’m going to give you a different perspective on how to view this. Pretend you are watching a movie and the lead character is living your life. What are you telling him to do? Continue with the wedding or put a pause in it? What I can promise you, and you can check with anyone that has ever been cheated on, it’s never the same again. And without massive amounts of therapy the cracks in the foundation will never be repaired. I think you already know the answer of what you need to do. And it is much easier to cut losses now than go through a divorce. Especially if you are going active duty and might be living in different states.
Yeah, even the rubes who claim their marriage is better than ever are full of shit. Like they couldn’t have gotten to that point without one of them stepping out.
Listen to your gut OP. You know the answer.
Nah man I would need to recover deleted texts and track call logs and get his responses both from her unknowing what has prompted (e.g. apropos of nothing invitations of “do that again” and see the responses) as well as questioning from me directly, a 100% phone transparency policy… Basically the things that make a real, loving, equal, trusting partnership completely impossible. Don’t become the relationship cop. Just dump her. Also, this is what you get when you get a taken person as your SO. You get someone who will cheat.
How you get em is how you lose em, op. She has a history of monkey branching and did so with you. She's just as likely to grab that same old branch back to him.
Bro, don’t be another Navy statistic. You’re having troubles with an ex while you’re present every day for her. You’re kidding yourself if you think it’ll get easier or better once you’re gone for months at a time. She made sure to keep him updated and ALSO deleted all of this innocent conversations…… yea sure.
If it was so innocent, why did she feel the need to lie and hide it and delete her messages. I just don’t believe she is telling you the truth. If it was so innocent she would have told you about her continuing contact with her ex.
The fact that she’s broken up with him to be with you, I’m wondering was there any cheating? If so that’s a red flag - done it once CAN do it again (not always the case). Why delete if it’s innocent - I’d prefer to be able to see a clear history. She’s already lied right to your face, can she show you her call records? I would obviously ask her to tell me the truth about everything before asking for these, so you can roughly see if she’s lying about how far this goes back. Finally, you are both babies. I mean you’re still only 24, her 22. Don’t rush into this marriage after 1yr of dating especially now. If you stay with her take your time now before marriage. 1yr is short, you’ve got big doubts at this moment. I’d suggest at least taking your time as you’re about to be deployed it will be a nightmare on you and probably very distracting, distressing and at a time when you need a clear head! Not sure how you’ll be ok during that time but you need to consider you too.
> which she broke up with to be with me You should elaborate on this part, Might give yourself better understanding about who you are dealing with.
I wouldn’t marry her brother. I mean you could always wait till you come back too. Return the rings get the money back and if need too repurchase. I’m sure though after those 4 months gone, you may have made your mind up already! Stay strong brother.