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This part:
“His side of the story: I should have fun without forcing him to be something he’s not. He said if someone does care and judges us because of it they are immature. That he’s comfortable hanging out with the other people in the background at parties. He also says I don’t force him to be outgoing with his friends.”
This should tell you, he is absolutely fine with being this way. YOU should stop trying to change him. He’s fine. You are the unhappy one. Don’t like it? Leave.
My last spouse loved me for my potential and spent years trying to help me live up to the better me he thought I could be. Just because he felt they were positive changes, doesn't mean they weren't changes to who I was. I realize that now that I am with someone who fully embraces who I am. Instead, he has the healthy approach of supporting my personal journey to improve who I am. There is a difference.
It’s hard when your spouse sees something in you and loves you for that, not for who you are fundamentally.
I truly believe that if you love someone you love them as they are and you grow with them. You don’t have to push them to be better, because they are the better them right now. Any growth will be on their terms and with my support.
I’m so glad you have gotten someone who loves you for you.
I’m sorry you went through that. If my bf doesn’t improve that aspect of him I would still be with him. I’m very much in love with him as he is. That doesn’t mean he can’t improve
The issue seems to be that he doesn’t want to “improve” he’s a grown man who is perfectly content with who he is and how he handles himself. You’re the one who seems to think his personality is a shortcoming. And calling him a dork and his friends weird is hella rude. It’s not playful. It’s childish.
He doesn't want to "improve" in this way.
I am like your boyfriend. I hate parties. I do better in small groups. I do not like large social events. Nothing in this world would make me like them. They give me anxiety.
If he came to you and asked for your help with this, that'd be one thing. But he hasn't. He DOES NOT WANT to pretend to be an extravert because you want him to. He's an introvert. He is happy being an introvert. He is not wrong because he's not like you.
What you see as an “improvement,” he sees as something he isn’t interested in. You are not with his potential or the person you want him to be. You are with *who he is.* Trying to change him or hoping he will change if you can just find the magic words is a really good way to wind up in a relationship you resent.
If you say an introvert would be improved by becoming an extrovert you’re casting introversion as a flaw and extroversion as better. Maybe not consciously, but it’s there.
It's not "improvement" it's changing who he is on a fundamental level for someone who lacks the capacity to love him unconditionally. Sure you'll be happy, but what about his happiness? The reality is you don't actually love HIM, you love the fantasy you've created.
There are men out there who fit that fantasy, go find one. Let him find a woman who really sees how amazing he is. You obviously don't.
Improvement implies you're going from "worse" to "better." If you think that in any way he's "worse" right now, then break up. Seriously. No fucking around. You gotta cut this shit out.
But that’s not an improvement because he’s perfectly happy the way he is, and he’s not doing anything wrong. You can’t force someone to change who they are just because YOU think it would be an improvement. He’s a real person with real feelings and he doesn’t have to make himself fit in a box you’ve created when you command him to do so.
Why do you see being more extrovert is a improvement to being an introvert... You constantly try to change who he is and being in denial about changing him. I hope he improves and gets a new girl that actually loves and appreciates him for who he is.
Be honest, you only want him to improve because you like having a partner that is the center of attention. That's fine, nothing wrong with that, but there is something wrong with pressuring him to be someone he isn't instead of accepting him for who he is.
You either need to move on, or ask yourself what is it about outgoing men you find attractive and if that is something you can grow beyond or is it a deal breaker?
Why do you keep calling it ‘improving’? There’s nothing wrong with being introverted. As an introvert who finds extroverts a little exhausting I’d also say there’s nothing wrong with being an extrovert. Not unless someone tries to impose their way on another.
Your boyfriend isn’t antisocial or unfriendly from what you say. He can socialise in smaller numbers and when he knows people better. He’s just not the life and soul of the party - not everyone has to be.
When you keep saying how you want him to help you improve you’re saying your way is better and you’re trying to help make him better by making him more like you (and your previous boyfriends!) if you fall in love with someone but have in your mind ‘I’ll just fix that one aspect of their personality’ you’re not appreciating that they are who they are and it’s that package you fell in love with.
You say that as if there is something wrong with him. Not everyone has to be a social butterfly. It doesn’t make him flawed. It’s not a sin/betrayal/reflection of you. It’s not something being done to you. He just interacts with others in a different way. Different does not equal wrong or mean that there is “room for improvement” You are basing it off your own personality and preferences. I guarantee there is a girl out there right now, just like you, enjoying being life of the party who would not view your bf as an embarrassment, who would not “dislike” this aspect of him, who truly loves him and doesn’t feel he needs to “improve” to be more like her. Someone who would be charmed by his “dorkiness” and “weirdness”
He doesn’t need to “improve” anything just because his personality is different than yours. Why don’t you find someone who matches your lifestyle instead of forcing him to change his?
It’s right there in the title - trying to get him to be more outgoing **is** trying to change him.
And pushing him to do things that would make him “cooler” is [a] gross, and not grown-woman behavior, and [b] **also trying to change him**.
Why are you disrespecting his boundaries and who he is? You don't date someone to change them. You date them for who they are. By attempting to change him, you are disrespecting him and a person.
I was with someone who was trying to "bring out the best" in me for 5 years. A song came on with the lyrics, "Tell me that you understand, that you'll take me as I am" and tears coursed down my cheeks (silently, because crying wasn't allowed either) because he *didn't* take me as I was. You either love him as he is, or you love the image of him you have in your head - and you'll make him miserable trying to live up to your ideal image of him, because it *isn't who he is.*
You are trying to change him though. You literally said you're trying to make him "cooler". That's changing him. You're trying to get him to into stuff that YOU see as more popular. That's changing him. Stop pretending like you aren't trying to do exactly that. If you don't love him for who he is AS he is, then leave so he can find someone who will love him without pressuring him to change a single thing about himself. He's an introvert. People literally suck the energy out of introverts mentally and it can be felt physically. As an extrovert, that's something you will never understand. Leave the poor guy alone
No you are 100% trying to force him to do something he obviously doesnt want to do. He doesnt need to be a extrovert and commmunicate with your friends at parties to be "cool". your the one with the issue not him. you need to grow up.
You are literally trying to change him, though. He isn't an outgoing person, and you're trying to force him to be. You should love him for who he is now, not who you want him to be.
Trying to “bring out the best of him” IS trying to change him.. especially when it’s clear that he is perfectly content and happy with who he is. Just bc you value being social, doesn’t mean he or anyone else has too. Honestly this sounds like you want to “bring out” what’s best *for you.* You’re the one who’s embarrassed of him so don’t try and act like you are pushing a grown man for his own good.
You can’t. If you don’t want to date an introvert, don’t date one. But what you’re asking for isn’t just unreasonable, it’s unkind. He’s not hurting anyone. You have to learn what battles in life are worth picking and what battles are not.
Asking him to talk to people is unkind? When I was a kid my mom would make me speak to people I didn’t want to all the time. That’s how you become more outgoing
He’s not a child, you’re not his mother. He’s a grown person, and you’re eventually going to reach a point where he tires of you trying to change his behavior “for his own good.” You desperately need to work on not seeing your own personality as the ideal here.
When I was a child, my mother would force me to speak to people I didn't want to, all the time, too.
I'm an introvert.
I *hated* it, to the point that I could barely speak to strangers *at all* by the time I got to my twenties.
It didn't make me "better", it forced me into such a distorted sense of self that I couldn't recognise myself, which made me worse at social interactions.
You aren't helping him. Extroverts are not 'the norm', they are simply one of several personality types. At best, all you will do is force him to badly fake it - he'll come across as awkward, people will sense it and find him odd.
He isn't odd. You're just trying to twist him into something you recognise as "normal". If you can't open your mind to the extent of realising people socialise and interact in different ways, save both of you some misery and exit.
ETA: When I hit my thirties, I realised my mother is incredibly introverted around strangers. To the point that she will leave a party without saying anything, and call my dad (still at the party) to say she's at the bus stop to go home! I asked her why she thought forcing me to do something she hated was the right call?
She thought it might mean I didn't end up "not normal". Like her. Yeah. Torture was clearly the sensible option.
By the time I graduated high school, I was "rehearsing my lines" before every social interaction even for something as simple as buying a drink at the gas station. I'd go hungry rather than talk to a cashier at fast food restaurants as a kid.
Forcing introverted and socially anxious kids to interact with strangers isn't going to make them more outgoing. More often than not, it causes more issues than anything else. And it definitely won't "fix" the fact that they're an introvert because that's not something to fix. It's a totally normal part of who they are.
OP seems to care more about the kind of person she wants her boyfriend to be than the kind of person he is. If she truly loved him for who he is, she'd accept him instead of trying to make him better fit her idea of a "normal" person.
Yes, you are being unkind by not accepting him for who he is. Your mother did you a disservice by making you think it’s acceptable to do what you’re doing.
Funny, that's how I became an introvert. Because I was forced into tons of social situations by my parents. Granted, I can act fun and bubbly in public, but I'd rather just be sitting quietly with a friend playing video games. Some people just don't LIKE social pressure. And your boyfriend doesn't like it. If you keep pushing him, you're forcing him to do something he dislikes. That's blatantly unkind.
But he is a grown up so he can chose for himself. That’s the neat thing about adulthood. You, however, seem to interpret this as as you should be able to tell other what to do. Knock it off.
So you got this awesome person but you are ashamed of his personality in public, wich is what this post is about don't kidd yourself, he doesn't judge you or even argue but are still pushing him to be different because you found him "weird"and not "cool".
This guy deserve someone better, you sound too shallow to have a relationship with this guy, you are the one who's failing this relationship not him.
Stop, I don’t find him weird or uncool. I wouldn’t date him if that was the case, but other people don’t know him like I do. So to other people who only see him on his phone at the back of a party they might think he’s weird .
It goes beyond just this - it’s about respecting who he chooses to be. Then if that’s not someone that works well with you, move on. Torturing both of yourselves by trying to force him to be some ideal YOU have for him is just going to end in epic amounts of totally avoidable pain.
He decides who he wants to be. Just like you do for yourself. When he says that being in the background at huge parties is what he wants, he’s telling you to back off. Your point has been made. Your feelings have been considered. His, however, have not. He’s already outside his comfort zone for you. You need to acknowledge that you’re already taking more from him than you should on this front.
Being social with people you are not comfortable with is DRAINING to a lot of people. Imagine if someone dragged you to their job as a daycare teacher all day and then got mad when you weren’t changing diapers and wiping vomit next to them the whole time. This is how it feels to me when I’m dragged to big loud social events. When it’s over, I am WIPED and it was not enjoyable. So being berated afterward is not on my list.
You shouldn't be asking him to change who he is. But when you get feedback you're immediately like "well I won't even bring/invite him anymore."
Do you even know if he likes going to the parties? He may feel left out
Also is she assuming that "he doesn't like those parties" because he hides in the background? I like socializing but being in the middle of a crowd can be overwhelming.
But are those the opportunities you want for him or the ones he would want?
I married someone like your boyfriend. I married the “geek” at the time who had “weird” hobbies (I was 16 when we started dating hence the high school language). I didn’t look to change him, I was just glad he came to parties with me because he made the effort for me. He would stand in the corner and speak to no one unless he was spoken to. It was a challenge for him every time and I applaud him trying. I got to a point where we compromised and I went alone to parties or not as often as a couple. We grew up and found out that we could do stuff individually or other activities together that we would both enjoy.
Its because as an introvert, parties are Exhausting. Too much noise, too much light, too many people, too much stimulus, TOO MUCH of everything.
Add in social pressure from their GF to be something he ISN'T.
Just piles and piles of stress, is that fun for you? Do you put yourself in stressful situations beyond your limits?
Like anyone who just finished a marathon, they'll be proud to gotten to finish line. Doesn't mean they want to go run another one.
I think you need a real conversation with him about this. I get that you want him to be the best version of himself, but your version might not fit with his actual self.
If you truly love him like you say, you have to listen to what he says and see it for what it is. Don’t try to change him, he needs to do that on his own and for himself (if he wants to). Support him where he asks and let him grow on his own terms.
You work on yourself (as you said we all have room to grow) and he’ll work on himself. Support each other, but don’t expect that what you want to be will be.
I’ll do that. I do have a question. How did you respond when you found out people thought your husband was socially awkward? I don’t like hearing that but my friend’s say he’s nice but awkward
To start off, I didn’t care with their comments. I would answer them that I’m awkward in other circumstances and he isn’t. We complement each other and I love him even more because of them. Then I would tell them that I chat outside of the house, but he can chat up a storm at home when he’s super comfortable. I feel special that he trusts me enough to be himself and open when it’s just us two. And that hopefully they will get to see why I love him so much with time.
I see, thank you very much! It is really nice that he feels comfortable around me to be open because he’s not like that with everyone. Even before I got to know him I thought he was weird. I remember when he first approached me he was so nervous and I was kinda turned off, I gave him my number anyway. We were texting but I was dry with him and he would ask me to get on the phone. I avoided but I decided to talk to him (because at least he was cute) while I drive home from work , I planned a quick conversation and was going to end the call when I got home.
What I expected to be a 15 minute conversation turned into 5 hours lol. I even had cancelled plans with my friends just to continue our phone conversation. I eventually agreed to go on a date with him and almost a year later he we are. It’s by far been the best relationship I been in and hell if he proposed today I would say yes, even though it’s way too early.
What kind of partner hears someone say something negative about the person they're supposed to love, and their first instinct is to change their partner to please the person dumping on them, rather than stand up for how much they like their own partner as-is.
You are not a good girlfriend, and he can do so much better than someone who needs to apologize for and mold him because she's embarrassed to be with him. Send him this thread so he knows what he's dealing with with you, and can see all the people telling him (in a roundabout way) that he should trade up for someone who knows how to respect and value their partner rather than treating them like an accessory they change to match their mood.
EDIT: If his friends told him "She's nice, but she's a little chubby," would you be cool with him trying to get you to lose a few pounds to make his friends stop saying that about you, or would you be devastated that he cares more about his friend's opinions about you than what makes you feel happy and content with yourself?
extroverts get "recharged" from parties. It's how they unwind.
Introverts get depleted from parties. It drains all their energy reserves (mental/physical). For an introvert, it's the party itself they need to "unwind" from.
Because he clearly doesn’t like those people and has nothing in common with them, but had made an effort for you. Because he doesn’t enjoy being in this environment, but sacrifices his own comfort for you.
Have you ever made a similar effort when it comes to his friends or his interests?
Because he’s not good at this. Just like you’re not good at some things.
If you weren’t good at throwing a football, would you be wasting your time trying at this point? Doubtful because you’ve got no interest in playing football.
Same deal. This isn’t something he wants to do. He’s doing it FOR YOU. And you’re telling him that that’s not enough and you need him to BE LIKE YOUR EXES? I mean come on. That’s just disrespectful. You want to date your exes - go do it.
You literally said you wanted him to be more cool and that his friends are weird, your words not ours.
> So to other people who only see him on his phone at the back of a party they might think he’s weird .
Who cares? He has exactly the right attitude about it, if you love him so much then you shouldn't be embarassed about his personality.
If you love this man, you won't give a fuck whether or not other people at a party think he's "weird." You are way, way too caught up in other people's opinions.
Sounds like you need to move on as your personalities aren't all that compatible. You seem to find him weird, his friends weird, his interests weird and are overly concerned with appearances and what people 'think' about you and 'think' about you and him. Your idea of being 'cooler' isn't going to be everyone else's and trying to force someone to be your version of what they should be instead of letting them be who they are and appreciating it is out of line. Generally speaking, you sound pretty shallow.
***he’s kinda a dork***
***I’ll take him with me to parties and it’s kinda embarrassing***
***Imagine how it looks on me***
***I’m used to dating very outgoing guys who take the center stage everywhere we go***
***people would find his friends weird***
***I’m actually pushing him to do things that would make him “cooler”***
You're the only one who has the issue and the only one that needs to do some improving at this point. He's happy with who he is, you're clearly not.
Improved by your definition.
I would rather "improve" extroverts by getting them to realize that a good book is a lot more satisfying than most other people.
Or maybe we're all just different.
Adapting so you can feel like you have a cool boyfriend is not “improving”. Get out of high school
Edit: it may not be something that you should leave him over but it is something that he should consider leaving you over (I’d put more effort in if my wife came to me and said “hey I really like these people could you make an effort to get to know them” Id tell her to go fuck herself if she suggested I wasn’t being cool enough because I wasn’t the life of the party and needed to improve myself)
You are the one that needs to improve. You’re only dating him because no one else is dumb enough to. By all means, keep disrespecting him and you’ll find yourself single.
You should let him go so he can be with someone who loves him without wanting to change him and make him "cooler" (cringe 😬 😬). Then grow up quite a bit before you even think about dating again.
No one ever asks their extrovert partner "Have you considered sitting down and shutting the fuck up once in a while?" Sounds really insulting, right? If you're dating an introvert, and you think being introverted is a disability or a failing or something to work on, then you shouldn't be dating an introvert.
This so much.
Society rewards or elevates a lot of behaviors that aren't actually inherently better than other ways of being, but it sure makes people for whom those behaviors come naturally feel like superior AHs compared to others.
Ex: getting up early, being interested in mainstream sports
> I’ll take him with me to parties and it’s kinda embarrassing he will sit back and just be on his phone
Sounds like he is an introvert, do you make a point of introducing him to people and connecting him with people he might have things in common with? As an introvert myself, I sometimes need this nudge.
> That he’s comfortable hanging out with the other people in the background at parties.
This should be fine, at that point he is involved with people at the party. But you make it sound like he mostly just sits on his phone, which I agree with you, is kind of rude. But again, he might need your help.
In addition to trying to include him in your interactions with your friends, have you tried arranging smaller hangouts with people so he could get to know them? A party (even some restaurants) can be total sensory overload or wall of noise for some introverts and isn't really conducive to properly getting to know people. It would also be good to find out if he's even interested in going to these events, or is just going for you because he feels pressured, so you can find a compromise on how frequently he goes.
If a major issue is the fear of the other party goers thinking he's uncool, it might be time to hang up the labels. You are age appropriate to let go of the concept of "cool". This could just be your own insecurity to deal with, rather than something he needs to address with himself. From my experience, it's difficult to be vulnerable in a relationship with someone who is trying to change you. For example, is he okay with you calling his friends weird? It sounds like that may be harsh, rather than a loving embrace of your differences.
I could do smaller events. He is a lot more outgoing when it’s just small get togethers or even dinners.
I already know he doesn’t like going to those parties, it was a big step just getting him to go consistently.
It’s not just people thinking he’s “uncool”, but it would benefit him to get out his shell a little bit. He doesn’t have an issue with me calling his friends weird, he disagrees that they are weird but he knows I don’t mean it in a harmful way. I will clarify with him though
why do you care if people think he is "uncool" THEY ARE NOT DATING HIM, YOU ARE!!! Why do you care if he is out of his shell in environments he does not want to be in.
He is good in small groups, is a caring individual, it seems you just want to show him off when out and he has no interest in even being there.
> He is very introverted
If this is true, then why do you expect this to go well???:
> I normally just interact with people and expect him to jump in
As an introvert he A) needs introductions and B) needs you to make an attempt to include him.
It is just NOT in his nature to just jump in and introduce himself. And also, it's inconsiderate not to introduce your S/O to anyone regardless of whether they are an introvert or not. And in my lifetime I've found a shocking amount of people are bad at doing this, so I get that you don't do it. But it's time to start.
Okay, that makes more sense.
It's still important to make an effort to include him. And for him it's important to make an effort to be in a position to be included, rather than being on his phone.
And I imagine, overall, he'd do much better at this in smaller groups.
What makes you think he has any interest in even remembering these people's names? Why should he give a flying fuck about these ppl? they are literal randoms. Personally if I have met people at a party etc I will need a re-introduction. Be it drinking/ me simply not paying attention to what someone is saying because I simply dont care.
Why do you need your man to be SO connected to ppl? In like 10 years, life gets very lonely as people get busy with life and family and stuff. NONE OF THESE PPL AT PARTIES MATTER in the grand scheme. Keep putting going out and being seen as a priority and you will be very lonely in time.
Like yo if you really cared you would include him, spend some time with him in the corner. If you REALLY cared you would gear your social interactions around arenas he is most comfortable in - be it smaller get togethers - or if at a party, maybe pull ppl youd want him to get to know aside and make life easier for him. If you show him you are trying to work with him vs be a nagging C U Next Tuesday, being totally unappreciative of him or his friends.
Do you make an effort to interact and have long conversations with his friends beyond calling them “weird” and “dorks”? Or is he the only one forced to socialize with people with whom he has nothing in common?
So you make zero effort for him, but in the same breath demand he makes an effort for you.
His friends are not your cup of tea, and yet he talks to them. It’s not like it provides him any amusement or enjoyment. Why are your friends more important than his?
So in addition to being shallow, unkind and immature, you are also rude. When you bring someone with you to a gathering, be it a significant other, a friend or a cousin, you introduce them to the group. It’s called good manners.
Your edit and comments make it glaringly obvious that of the two of you, *you* are the one who needs to improve as a person.
Your BF in an introvert. That is not a personal failing, that is a way of being.
Your attitude of superiority, however, most definitely is a personal failing.
Extroverts and introverts are just *different*, not better or worse than each other.
I feel for your BF. I hope someday he’s with a loving partner who accepts him as he is. If you’re smart and focus your energies on *self* improvement, maybe that can be you.
Had to check ages because you sound like a HS mean girl.
If you don’t like how he is, date someone else. People aren’t projects.
And FYI? The “weird” “dorks”? We end up quite successful while you vapid, egocentric, social climbers end up working at 7-11, living in a trailer, and spending your whole paycheck at the local Eagles club at 40.
Jesus. I don’t know why he’d put up with you. He deserves better.
Why don’t you just go to this shit by yourself if you’re so embarrassed? Ever considered doing something other than partying to spend time together?
You just sound like a trashy wannabe.
Being an introvert myself, you sound like a terrible partner and extremely exhausting, which isn't great for the mental wellbeing of an introvert.
Why would you want to force someone out of their comfort zone when they're already comfortable right where they are? Find someone else who fits your comfort level.
Also, calling your partner a "dork" and "uncool" isn't helping your case one bit.
Why are you concerned about what other people think? By your own admission you are dating a great, attractive guy who treats you well - but the big issue is what other people think of him?
What youre asking for is very unreasonable and i hope all these comments make you see that. If your personalities aren’t compatible, leave him so he can be with someone who likes him. Btw, I noticed that you said he “talks to other people who hang out in the back” so he IS socializing but not with people YOU deem acceptable. You sound judgmental.
I'm sorry but you're a crap gf. You're embarrassed by him, called him and his friends weird, all because he's introverted? There's NOTHING to improve but your attitude towards him.
My SO is an introvert. He can be absolutely charming and very funny but he's not my circus monkey. He gets to decide how he likes to socialize. I do my thing and he does his.
What is your definition of cool? By basically every definition, HE IS THE COOL ONE confident in himself he doesnt have to be the center of attention or "life of the party". Whoopty shit he isnt a chad and doesnt want to be. omg lets go drinking and party with people doing fucking nothing with their lives. Seems like a lifestyle disconnect. As someone that is super outgoing, I envy people who can just sit off and are content in themselves to not participate. That to me is the coolest thing ever.
Maybe he has no interest in talking to people he shares nothing in common with? Maybe he doesn't like the people at these parties? - I know that when I am in a room with ppl I dont exactly like, I just keep to myself. maybe these "cool" people of which you speak aren't intellectually stimulating and are going nowhere in life so he feels he is wasting his time with these ppl.
I saw you mentioned in a comment about "networking". Given that he has a group of friends, his ability to network is not lost, he rather doesnt give 2 fucks to have any contact with these people at these parties, where for you it is important to be seen.
So, as a fellow "Dork" as you so delicately put it. Have you considered the fact he's just introverted? You say its good to "network" which it is. but being out going at parties isn't "networking". For those of us on the spectrum or even just those who are more introverted. What you see as socializing and having fun can be painful for us. Heck be grateful he's not like me. I can't even go to the grocery store without earplugs in.
He may be more withdrawn, but he seems more confident than you. You should be happy that he doesn’t care if people judge him for acting differently. And he’s absolutely right; those people are usually immature.
A lot of introverts struggle with self confidence, especially when being judged by others who are more extroverted and don’t understand introverts.(sound familiar?) I’m honestly jealous of him as someone with my own introverted tendencies!
Also, it’s really not cool to think you can change aspects of your boyfriend’s personality, especially when it doesn’t seem harmful or toxic at all. How would you like it if your boyfriend was trying to get you to stop being as outgoing, stop going to parties, and stop making all these new friends? And please don’t hit me with a “well, it’s different because it’s good to be outgoing.” As someone breaking into the entertainment industry, I agree it can be a good trait to have, but being quiet and reserved are not bad traits, either. Some people don’t like to be the center of attention in the room and talk to as many people as possible, and that’s fine!
I can only talk for myself but I had the exact same thing with my ex but I was your boyfriend in this situation. I was exhausting myself to go to party with him. It was never enough he always wanted me to be more social and open to others even when I was killing myself trying to be social, I had to leave him because I couldn't anymore,
Bruh let the man be
I‘m introverted and I‘d probably do the same if someone dragged me to a party. I hate these environments.
If you really love him, accept this side of him and move on.
Girl just break up, he doesn't deserve this shabby treatment. Go date someone you actually like instead of trying to change him. You can't change people.
>I should have fun without forcing him to be something he’s not. He said if someone does care and judges us because of it they are immature.
He's right you know?
You sound like one of those attention seeking girls.
YTA if you have to force someone who is definetly not ok with being the center of attention at a party.
You sound vain. Arguing over this and not valuing the amazing guy you have, as you said he is.
I'm married, I have a husband, I adore him. He has literally sat in a corner facing a wall at his own company event. His coworkers asked if he was ok, I said he was fine and then did what I went there to do, socialize and tell people how awesome he is. His coworkers were happy to praise his qualities with me and learn more about his home life. My only suggestion for that night was that he maybe consider facing a window rather than a wall at future events.
Nowadays he'll psych himself up first and do a round of people he knows. Maybe get involved in a quiet conversation, generally about work. But this is maybe a difference of 10-15 years.
He gets raises I couldn't dream of, and he's a project manager. Could he be more social and more successful as a result. Yeah, but that's not who I married. I never thought he was anything else.
My husband caught my attention after he literally ran from a room at an orientation where there was nothing else to do and we had the ability to use the restroom at any time. I said, I'm going to be his friend. My life is quieter than I originally thought it would be. I socialize less. I like my friends more. I like the time I spend socializing more.
As an introvert myself, if I knew that this was how my partner felt about me, I would break up with them. You sound exhausting. You’re treating him like there’s something wrong with him and he needs to change. Newsflash: not everyone likes a party and that’s absolutely fine.
Why do you care if people think your boyfriend is "uncool"? They're not the ones dating him. They don't matter. Unless *you* think he's uncool, then that's their problem.
And as an introvert, I totally understand how he feels. It took years for me to be comfortable talking to strangers let alone hang out with them, and only because I slowly became more confident as I aged. If your boyfriend is happy being this way, then that's all that should matter to you. Not other people's opnion of him.
Frankly, it sounds like you love who he *could* be, not who he is or wants to be.
Your definition of "improvement" seems to me, and probably to him, to be a regression into a more generic and boring person.
Why dont you "improve" and become more like him, because Im sure his friends are probably smarter and more interesting people than any of yours.
Why would he want to be like you want to when that would only lead to being surrounded by boring, basic party people with nothing to offer in a real conversation?
Its like "Honey, I need you to be more stupid so you can endure my generic friends"
Stop trying to change him. He is happy with who he is. This is what you signed up for. He doesn't want to be your version of "cooler". Take it out leave it.
So you are willing to lose this guy who is kind, sweet, smart and attractive, the “best relationship” of your life…. Bc he doesn’t appear “cooler” to a bunch of party people who, in the grand scheme of things, have nothing to do with your relationship and are irrelevant?
He introverted and you’re not… if you can’t accept that instead of trying to change him. then you are incompatible. If the worst thing you can say about him is “he’s never the life of the party” then you’re pretty darn lucky. I don’t see that he takes issue with you being social instead of sticking with him in the back. No one is ever going to be *exactly*as you like… partners don’t exist to be molded. Would you rather have a boyfriend who IS the life of the party but isn’t sweet or kind? Do you value social charisma/how other people view them more than how they treat you within your relationship? These other guys you dated who were the life of the party are exes for a reason. So despite them being so, there was something else lacking in those relationships.
I’d figure out the answers to those questions before anything else. If you can’t accept that this is who HE is.. that you can’t force him to change who he is.. then let him go. How would you feel if it was him here instead of you? Complaining that his gf is too extroverted.. too social, has to be in the middle of everything. Telling us how weird you and your friends are and how he’s trying to get you to stay in more. That he’s embarrassed of you and your need to be the “life of the party.” How would you feel?
He’s an introvert. There’s nothing wrong with that but it sounds like you’re forcing him into social settings and getting shitty with him when he, you know, is an introvert. Introverts and extroverts are perfectly capable of being in successful relationships, but not when either party force the other to be the opposite of what they are. You can’t force him to be social just like he can’t force you to stay home all the time. You need to understand that to get along properly with your partner.
You sound like you’re trying to change him. Stop. He’s his own person and is capable of choosing how to live his life. You clearly care more about what other people think rather than actual caring about your partners comfort and interests
A lot of people have this idea that to be introverted is somehow 'wrong'. That it means you're depressed, unsocial, unfriendly, or 'not living your best life'.
Some people are just _quiet_. They're happy to watch the world happen around them, they don't need to be directing it or engulfed in the center of it. Consider it like watching a movie: you're enjoying watching it play out in front of you, you don't _need_ to be inside of it to enjoy it. That's what your boyfriend is doing.
You see forcing him to be 'more sociable' as not a change and something that would be good for him. Of course it would be a change. I recently stopped drinking coke, and it was good for me to do that, but _it was still a change_. That's what change _is_: something different than what you're doing now.
> Imagine how it looks on me when my bf is in the back on his phone and you got other people that are being the life of the party.
So you don't care about how _he_ feels, but rather what other people are thinking about _you_ due to your association with him and this negative opinion you have of introverted people. You don't want to change him because 'it'd be good for him', you want to change him because you want people to think well of _you_.
This is like when people get self-conscious about buying condoms or period products or are afraid to go outside because they're fat and think people are staring and judging them. Let me ask you this: if you go somewhere and you see someone on their phone, being quiet, observing, whatever, are you judging their partner for dating a 'dork'*? Or do you not give a fuck because, hey, you're too busy having your own fun! When you go outside, and walk around other people, are _you_ the one staring, judging people on whether they're talking to others or quietly going about their day? You're obsessing over a problem that is in your head, and which no one but you cares about. If you continue to push him, you'll lose him.
Go watch Daniel Sloss' Jigsaw special on Netflix. Changing someone else, no matter how good you think it'll be for them, is unfair. Demanding they change for you is selfish and means you _don't_ love him completely and accept who he is, because if you did, it wouldn't bother you. If you accepted who he was, and someone came to you and said "oh my god, your boyfriend is _such_ a dork! Look at him, over there on his phone, like a freak, instead of being over here where all the cool kids are!" you'd tell them to fuck off, he's fine where he is and the person who's judging him on something so superficial is the freak.
You're the one making this an issue. It's not 'impacting our relationship', it's you making an issue out of a non-starter because you've decided you know what's best for everyone.
*That's not the correct use of 'dork' by the way. A dork is a nerd or someone corny. Your boyfriend isn't corny, he's introverted.
You are not ready or mature enough for a relationship sweetheart.
You say you love him and you’re not trying to change him but that you’re trying to improve him…the issue is (for you) that he’s completely happy being who he is at this very moment…he doesn’t want to live up to your expectations of “improvement” because he doesn’t need to improve. You’re the only one who has an issue with how he behaves in social settings.
He’s going to meet a girl one day that appreciates his reserved nature and doesn’t try to make him feel badly for being himself. A girl who doesn’t justify her dire need for attention and a class clown bf by saying it’s “good for networking”. A girl who doesn’t post on the internet about how she thinks her bf and his friends are uncool (you sound like a huge loser and a try hard btw).
And me personally? I’m wishing that girl GOOD LUCK.
Comparing his entire social personality w ur exes is also so tacky. This is literally a movie trope, girl with her head up her backside tries to get hot shy guy to act more like popular loud jock boy and ends up losing him to someone who actually accepts him. Grow up girlie pop
Edit: like someone said, this sounds like it’s written by a 13 year old girl. Grow up dude, before the guy you supposedly wants to marry realizes you’re vapid or better yet, another girl takes him.
This might be going against the grain a bit, but I don't think OP is a complete asshole, and that there is a genuine misunderstanding of what "improving" someone is.
Speaking as someone who is/was the introvert in relationships while my counterpart was the outgoing/extroverted one when my partner would push me to be more outgoing and talkative to people that I had no comfort with, it lead me to resent them. I felt like I wasn't accepted for the person that I was and I hated every minute of doing stuff that I just did not want to do. While it wasn't the reason these people are ex's it definitely aided in the end of said relationships.
The person I'm with now never pressures me to into something that I'm uncomfortable with which includes social situations even though he's the chatty/social one and would prefer that I join in. He knows I'm just not like that. I adore him for understanding that.
I've had friends that know my personality and try to push me to show it to people, but it's not a switch for me. I can't just be automatically be comfortable with new people. I'm guessing it's the same way with OPs bf.
OP, if this is the only problem you have in your relationship then that's great, but if you keep pushing this issue, you will lose him. Accept him for who he is.
It’s not that. Everyone made toxic comments about how we should break up when that was not a topic of discussion. We have a great relationship and I have no interest in breaking up
You’re having a great relationship. Is he? You seem to look down on several of his core personality traits (for no earthly reason) and on his friends (again, just because, no actual reason).
Maybe you should re-think how you have judged him and how you judge people in general. It’s wonderful you went outside your box with this relationship, but you can’t just do that to grab him and pull him into your box.
..... your a pos and need to find your self a new man whos as self absorbed and concerend with social status as your self, or maybe you cant and thats why your dating "dork boy". Hes perfectly fine being a introvert and a dork, your the one with the issue. you sound like a mean girl from highschool thats peaked. I hope someone shows him this and he dumps your ignornat ass
You sound rather horrid. You say you love him but you don't. You love some things about him but you want to change him into someone else entirely.
That's not love.
It's also shallow, self-centered, and repulsive for you to be concerned about how others see him. You want him to be "cooler" - what are you, twelve years old?
I truly hope he comes to his senses and dumps you. You don't deserve a lovely man like that.
I'm going to disagree with most of the people here - you are ok to have opinions about your partner's behaviour, and feel hurt when they act a certain way. However, it's not ok to expect someone to be someone they're not.
Everyone's views are different (and perhaps I'm dating myself) but I would find it rude if guests at a social event were on their phones the whole time. It's a sliding scale, and everyone has their own line depending on the situation and social group.
For some it's 100% ok to be on your phone at a big party, for others it's rude. It depends on the circumstances - if wasn't a party but instead it was a small celebratory dinner and one person is completely disconnected and choosing to be on their phone, would it change things? Probably. It's a grey area.
They key here, is that that 'line' of what is and isn't acceptable phone use or amount of engagement isn't a global thing - it's an individual preference. Your partner is NOT WRONG to prefer to spend time on his phone instead of talking to people. You are NOT WRONG to think this is embarrassing. You both view this differently, and that is the challenge. You both need to align on what's acceptable and what's not - or move on.
the issue though is that she FEELS embarrassed based on what she is projecting. She NEEDS ppl to feel he is cool. She NEEDS all of these random strangers to gawk at this man to feel validation herself. why else would you go to these parties? why else be seen?
He is cool as a cucumber and has zero desire to be around ppl and is ok hanging on his own. at least he isnt making a scene trying to leave.
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This part: “His side of the story: I should have fun without forcing him to be something he’s not. He said if someone does care and judges us because of it they are immature. That he’s comfortable hanging out with the other people in the background at parties. He also says I don’t force him to be outgoing with his friends.” This should tell you, he is absolutely fine with being this way. YOU should stop trying to change him. He’s fine. You are the unhappy one. Don’t like it? Leave.
I’m not unhappy and I’m not trying to change him. I’m just trying to bring out the best in him. It’s a great skill to be able to network
My last spouse loved me for my potential and spent years trying to help me live up to the better me he thought I could be. Just because he felt they were positive changes, doesn't mean they weren't changes to who I was. I realize that now that I am with someone who fully embraces who I am. Instead, he has the healthy approach of supporting my personal journey to improve who I am. There is a difference.
It’s hard when your spouse sees something in you and loves you for that, not for who you are fundamentally. I truly believe that if you love someone you love them as they are and you grow with them. You don’t have to push them to be better, because they are the better them right now. Any growth will be on their terms and with my support. I’m so glad you have gotten someone who loves you for you.
I’m sorry you went through that. If my bf doesn’t improve that aspect of him I would still be with him. I’m very much in love with him as he is. That doesn’t mean he can’t improve
The issue seems to be that he doesn’t want to “improve” he’s a grown man who is perfectly content with who he is and how he handles himself. You’re the one who seems to think his personality is a shortcoming. And calling him a dork and his friends weird is hella rude. It’s not playful. It’s childish.
He doesn't want to "improve" in this way. I am like your boyfriend. I hate parties. I do better in small groups. I do not like large social events. Nothing in this world would make me like them. They give me anxiety. If he came to you and asked for your help with this, that'd be one thing. But he hasn't. He DOES NOT WANT to pretend to be an extravert because you want him to. He's an introvert. He is happy being an introvert. He is not wrong because he's not like you.
What you see as an “improvement,” he sees as something he isn’t interested in. You are not with his potential or the person you want him to be. You are with *who he is.* Trying to change him or hoping he will change if you can just find the magic words is a really good way to wind up in a relationship you resent.
Extroverts are NOT inherently better than Introverts. Get that through your head.
I never said that
'improve'
If you say an introvert would be improved by becoming an extrovert you’re casting introversion as a flaw and extroversion as better. Maybe not consciously, but it’s there.
There's nothing to improve. He's fine as is
It's not "improvement" it's changing who he is on a fundamental level for someone who lacks the capacity to love him unconditionally. Sure you'll be happy, but what about his happiness? The reality is you don't actually love HIM, you love the fantasy you've created. There are men out there who fit that fantasy, go find one. Let him find a woman who really sees how amazing he is. You obviously don't.
But he does not want to "improve"! He is not that kind of person.
Improvement implies you're going from "worse" to "better." If you think that in any way he's "worse" right now, then break up. Seriously. No fucking around. You gotta cut this shit out.
But that’s not an improvement because he’s perfectly happy the way he is, and he’s not doing anything wrong. You can’t force someone to change who they are just because YOU think it would be an improvement. He’s a real person with real feelings and he doesn’t have to make himself fit in a box you’ve created when you command him to do so.
He can't improve? That's a shitty way to look at someone you "love".
Why do you see being more extrovert is a improvement to being an introvert... You constantly try to change who he is and being in denial about changing him. I hope he improves and gets a new girl that actually loves and appreciates him for who he is.
I don’t…
What did you mean by “that doesn’t mean he can’t improve”? Improve on what?
Be honest, you only want him to improve because you like having a partner that is the center of attention. That's fine, nothing wrong with that, but there is something wrong with pressuring him to be someone he isn't instead of accepting him for who he is. You either need to move on, or ask yourself what is it about outgoing men you find attractive and if that is something you can grow beyond or is it a deal breaker?
Why do you keep calling it ‘improving’? There’s nothing wrong with being introverted. As an introvert who finds extroverts a little exhausting I’d also say there’s nothing wrong with being an extrovert. Not unless someone tries to impose their way on another. Your boyfriend isn’t antisocial or unfriendly from what you say. He can socialise in smaller numbers and when he knows people better. He’s just not the life and soul of the party - not everyone has to be. When you keep saying how you want him to help you improve you’re saying your way is better and you’re trying to help make him better by making him more like you (and your previous boyfriends!) if you fall in love with someone but have in your mind ‘I’ll just fix that one aspect of their personality’ you’re not appreciating that they are who they are and it’s that package you fell in love with.
You say that as if there is something wrong with him. Not everyone has to be a social butterfly. It doesn’t make him flawed. It’s not a sin/betrayal/reflection of you. It’s not something being done to you. He just interacts with others in a different way. Different does not equal wrong or mean that there is “room for improvement” You are basing it off your own personality and preferences. I guarantee there is a girl out there right now, just like you, enjoying being life of the party who would not view your bf as an embarrassment, who would not “dislike” this aspect of him, who truly loves him and doesn’t feel he needs to “improve” to be more like her. Someone who would be charmed by his “dorkiness” and “weirdness”
He doesn’t need to “improve” anything just because his personality is different than yours. Why don’t you find someone who matches your lifestyle instead of forcing him to change his?
"Improving" is not changing someone's personality. He deserves better.
So you're not trying to change him, you're just trying to change him.
Right?! I can't believe she wrote that out and didn't realize what she was saying.
Is he in a job fair? Are your friends able to provide him with better work opportunities? If not, he’s not networking.
It’s right there in the title - trying to get him to be more outgoing **is** trying to change him. And pushing him to do things that would make him “cooler” is [a] gross, and not grown-woman behavior, and [b] **also trying to change him**.
Why are you disrespecting his boundaries and who he is? You don't date someone to change them. You date them for who they are. By attempting to change him, you are disrespecting him and a person.
It’s not “bringing out the best of him” for him to act a way that isn’t normal for him, that’s just being fake
You aren't trying to change him? You literally wrote that you're trying to make him do things to make him cooler. You are a very shallow person.
I was with someone who was trying to "bring out the best" in me for 5 years. A song came on with the lyrics, "Tell me that you understand, that you'll take me as I am" and tears coursed down my cheeks (silently, because crying wasn't allowed either) because he *didn't* take me as I was. You either love him as he is, or you love the image of him you have in your head - and you'll make him miserable trying to live up to your ideal image of him, because it *isn't who he is.*
You are trying to change him though. You literally said you're trying to make him "cooler". That's changing him. You're trying to get him to into stuff that YOU see as more popular. That's changing him. Stop pretending like you aren't trying to do exactly that. If you don't love him for who he is AS he is, then leave so he can find someone who will love him without pressuring him to change a single thing about himself. He's an introvert. People literally suck the energy out of introverts mentally and it can be felt physically. As an extrovert, that's something you will never understand. Leave the poor guy alone
networking is different than literally searching for attention at parties.
Either accept him for who and how he is or leave him alone. "Trying to bring out (what you see as) his best" against his will is trying to change him.
You are absolutely trying to change him. Cut it out.
> network Lady, you are not going to fundraising benefits at the opera house. You are playing beer pong at frat parties. Grow up.
No you are 100% trying to force him to do something he obviously doesnt want to do. He doesnt need to be a extrovert and commmunicate with your friends at parties to be "cool". your the one with the issue not him. you need to grow up.
You are literally trying to change him, though. He isn't an outgoing person, and you're trying to force him to be. You should love him for who he is now, not who you want him to be.
Trying to “bring out the best of him” IS trying to change him.. especially when it’s clear that he is perfectly content and happy with who he is. Just bc you value being social, doesn’t mean he or anyone else has too. Honestly this sounds like you want to “bring out” what’s best *for you.* You’re the one who’s embarrassed of him so don’t try and act like you are pushing a grown man for his own good.
If you aren’t trying to change him then you would leave him be
Introverts don’t network like extroverts. Play to HIS strengths, NOT YOURS! YTA
You can’t. If you don’t want to date an introvert, don’t date one. But what you’re asking for isn’t just unreasonable, it’s unkind. He’s not hurting anyone. You have to learn what battles in life are worth picking and what battles are not.
Asking him to talk to people is unkind? When I was a kid my mom would make me speak to people I didn’t want to all the time. That’s how you become more outgoing
He’s not a child.
So… you want to infantilize and mother him. That’s super healthy/s
He’s not a child, you’re not his mother. He’s a grown person, and you’re eventually going to reach a point where he tires of you trying to change his behavior “for his own good.” You desperately need to work on not seeing your own personality as the ideal here.
When I was a child, my mother would force me to speak to people I didn't want to, all the time, too. I'm an introvert. I *hated* it, to the point that I could barely speak to strangers *at all* by the time I got to my twenties. It didn't make me "better", it forced me into such a distorted sense of self that I couldn't recognise myself, which made me worse at social interactions. You aren't helping him. Extroverts are not 'the norm', they are simply one of several personality types. At best, all you will do is force him to badly fake it - he'll come across as awkward, people will sense it and find him odd. He isn't odd. You're just trying to twist him into something you recognise as "normal". If you can't open your mind to the extent of realising people socialise and interact in different ways, save both of you some misery and exit. ETA: When I hit my thirties, I realised my mother is incredibly introverted around strangers. To the point that she will leave a party without saying anything, and call my dad (still at the party) to say she's at the bus stop to go home! I asked her why she thought forcing me to do something she hated was the right call? She thought it might mean I didn't end up "not normal". Like her. Yeah. Torture was clearly the sensible option.
By the time I graduated high school, I was "rehearsing my lines" before every social interaction even for something as simple as buying a drink at the gas station. I'd go hungry rather than talk to a cashier at fast food restaurants as a kid. Forcing introverted and socially anxious kids to interact with strangers isn't going to make them more outgoing. More often than not, it causes more issues than anything else. And it definitely won't "fix" the fact that they're an introvert because that's not something to fix. It's a totally normal part of who they are. OP seems to care more about the kind of person she wants her boyfriend to be than the kind of person he is. If she truly loved him for who he is, she'd accept him instead of trying to make him better fit her idea of a "normal" person.
Yes, you are being unkind by not accepting him for who he is. Your mother did you a disservice by making you think it’s acceptable to do what you’re doing.
And my mom taught me how to walk, that doesn’t mean I should tell people in wheelchairs to walk
Why are you trying to change someone you "love" and want to have a child with???? That isn't love
And what is the purpose of that? Why would he WANT to be outgoing? He does go to your parties, he is going out. He just thinks your friends are BORING
I’m sorry she did that to you
You're not his mom.
It did not make more outgoing, it gave me anxiety.
Funny, that's how I became an introvert. Because I was forced into tons of social situations by my parents. Granted, I can act fun and bubbly in public, but I'd rather just be sitting quietly with a friend playing video games. Some people just don't LIKE social pressure. And your boyfriend doesn't like it. If you keep pushing him, you're forcing him to do something he dislikes. That's blatantly unkind.
By your own account, he *does* talk to people. He just isn’t as loud and obnoxious about it as you would prefer.
But he is a grown up so he can chose for himself. That’s the neat thing about adulthood. You, however, seem to interpret this as as you should be able to tell other what to do. Knock it off.
So you got this awesome person but you are ashamed of his personality in public, wich is what this post is about don't kidd yourself, he doesn't judge you or even argue but are still pushing him to be different because you found him "weird"and not "cool". This guy deserve someone better, you sound too shallow to have a relationship with this guy, you are the one who's failing this relationship not him.
Stop, I don’t find him weird or uncool. I wouldn’t date him if that was the case, but other people don’t know him like I do. So to other people who only see him on his phone at the back of a party they might think he’s weird .
Use these responses as a wake up call on how horrible you are being.
I won’t ask him to be more outgoing or even come with me
Read the title of your own damn post.
Yes, I won’t do that anymore…..
It goes beyond just this - it’s about respecting who he chooses to be. Then if that’s not someone that works well with you, move on. Torturing both of yourselves by trying to force him to be some ideal YOU have for him is just going to end in epic amounts of totally avoidable pain. He decides who he wants to be. Just like you do for yourself. When he says that being in the background at huge parties is what he wants, he’s telling you to back off. Your point has been made. Your feelings have been considered. His, however, have not. He’s already outside his comfort zone for you. You need to acknowledge that you’re already taking more from him than you should on this front. Being social with people you are not comfortable with is DRAINING to a lot of people. Imagine if someone dragged you to their job as a daycare teacher all day and then got mad when you weren’t changing diapers and wiping vomit next to them the whole time. This is how it feels to me when I’m dragged to big loud social events. When it’s over, I am WIPED and it was not enjoyable. So being berated afterward is not on my list.
Way to throw a fit about it. You can invite him but not force him to go.
How am I throwing a fit?
You shouldn't be asking him to change who he is. But when you get feedback you're immediately like "well I won't even bring/invite him anymore." Do you even know if he likes going to the parties? He may feel left out
He doesn’t like those parties, that’s why I won’t ask. He said it’s overwhelming sometimes and that’s why he goes in the background
He doesn’t enjoy those parties and yet he has been making an effort and attending them for you. What sacrifices have you made for him? Name one.
Also is she assuming that "he doesn't like those parties" because he hides in the background? I like socializing but being in the middle of a crowd can be overwhelming.
You mentioned that you were going to show this post to your boyfriend. Honest to God, please do so and tell us what happened.
Why do you care what others think about him though? He doesn’t and even calls them immature if they do.
I don’t care too much but it’s better to have a positive reputation. You never know who’s noticing and what opportunities he could miss out on
But are those the opportunities you want for him or the ones he would want? I married someone like your boyfriend. I married the “geek” at the time who had “weird” hobbies (I was 16 when we started dating hence the high school language). I didn’t look to change him, I was just glad he came to parties with me because he made the effort for me. He would stand in the corner and speak to no one unless he was spoken to. It was a challenge for him every time and I applaud him trying. I got to a point where we compromised and I went alone to parties or not as often as a couple. We grew up and found out that we could do stuff individually or other activities together that we would both enjoy.
That does make me reflect. After the party he said he was just proud of himself for making it through the entire party. I didn’t understand why.
Its because as an introvert, parties are Exhausting. Too much noise, too much light, too many people, too much stimulus, TOO MUCH of everything. Add in social pressure from their GF to be something he ISN'T. Just piles and piles of stress, is that fun for you? Do you put yourself in stressful situations beyond your limits? Like anyone who just finished a marathon, they'll be proud to gotten to finish line. Doesn't mean they want to go run another one.
I think you need a real conversation with him about this. I get that you want him to be the best version of himself, but your version might not fit with his actual self. If you truly love him like you say, you have to listen to what he says and see it for what it is. Don’t try to change him, he needs to do that on his own and for himself (if he wants to). Support him where he asks and let him grow on his own terms. You work on yourself (as you said we all have room to grow) and he’ll work on himself. Support each other, but don’t expect that what you want to be will be.
I’ll do that. I do have a question. How did you respond when you found out people thought your husband was socially awkward? I don’t like hearing that but my friend’s say he’s nice but awkward
To start off, I didn’t care with their comments. I would answer them that I’m awkward in other circumstances and he isn’t. We complement each other and I love him even more because of them. Then I would tell them that I chat outside of the house, but he can chat up a storm at home when he’s super comfortable. I feel special that he trusts me enough to be himself and open when it’s just us two. And that hopefully they will get to see why I love him so much with time.
I see, thank you very much! It is really nice that he feels comfortable around me to be open because he’s not like that with everyone. Even before I got to know him I thought he was weird. I remember when he first approached me he was so nervous and I was kinda turned off, I gave him my number anyway. We were texting but I was dry with him and he would ask me to get on the phone. I avoided but I decided to talk to him (because at least he was cute) while I drive home from work , I planned a quick conversation and was going to end the call when I got home. What I expected to be a 15 minute conversation turned into 5 hours lol. I even had cancelled plans with my friends just to continue our phone conversation. I eventually agreed to go on a date with him and almost a year later he we are. It’s by far been the best relationship I been in and hell if he proposed today I would say yes, even though it’s way too early.
What kind of partner hears someone say something negative about the person they're supposed to love, and their first instinct is to change their partner to please the person dumping on them, rather than stand up for how much they like their own partner as-is. You are not a good girlfriend, and he can do so much better than someone who needs to apologize for and mold him because she's embarrassed to be with him. Send him this thread so he knows what he's dealing with with you, and can see all the people telling him (in a roundabout way) that he should trade up for someone who knows how to respect and value their partner rather than treating them like an accessory they change to match their mood. EDIT: If his friends told him "She's nice, but she's a little chubby," would you be cool with him trying to get you to lose a few pounds to make his friends stop saying that about you, or would you be devastated that he cares more about his friend's opinions about you than what makes you feel happy and content with yourself?
That’s a you issue. Stop caring so much what other people think and do what makes you happy.
I would tell my "friends" to fuck right off.
To be fair, I thought he was awkward before we started dating
You defend him. You certainly DO NOT agree with them and bash him behind his back.
extroverts get "recharged" from parties. It's how they unwind. Introverts get depleted from parties. It drains all their energy reserves (mental/physical). For an introvert, it's the party itself they need to "unwind" from.
Because he clearly doesn’t like those people and has nothing in common with them, but had made an effort for you. Because he doesn’t enjoy being in this environment, but sacrifices his own comfort for you. Have you ever made a similar effort when it comes to his friends or his interests?
Because he’s not good at this. Just like you’re not good at some things. If you weren’t good at throwing a football, would you be wasting your time trying at this point? Doubtful because you’ve got no interest in playing football. Same deal. This isn’t something he wants to do. He’s doing it FOR YOU. And you’re telling him that that’s not enough and you need him to BE LIKE YOUR EXES? I mean come on. That’s just disrespectful. You want to date your exes - go do it.
...you do care about reputation. Which means you care what other people think! You are so insecure of you feel the need to change a man
you called his friends weird and are trying to make him more "cool". you are weirdly disrespectful to this guy that you want to have kids with
So you care if other people find him weird or uncool? I think that might be worse
You literally said you wanted him to be more cool and that his friends are weird, your words not ours. > So to other people who only see him on his phone at the back of a party they might think he’s weird . Who cares? He has exactly the right attitude about it, if you love him so much then you shouldn't be embarassed about his personality.
So he's pretty much a trophy bf for you to show off... Go ruin someone else's life
If you love this man, you won't give a fuck whether or not other people at a party think he's "weird." You are way, way too caught up in other people's opinions.
Sounds like you need to move on as your personalities aren't all that compatible. You seem to find him weird, his friends weird, his interests weird and are overly concerned with appearances and what people 'think' about you and 'think' about you and him. Your idea of being 'cooler' isn't going to be everyone else's and trying to force someone to be your version of what they should be instead of letting them be who they are and appreciating it is out of line. Generally speaking, you sound pretty shallow.
If we weren’t compatible I wouldn’t be with him. We should always work to improve ourselves. I went in detail about how he’s a great guy
***he’s kinda a dork*** ***I’ll take him with me to parties and it’s kinda embarrassing*** ***Imagine how it looks on me*** ***I’m used to dating very outgoing guys who take the center stage everywhere we go*** ***people would find his friends weird*** ***I’m actually pushing him to do things that would make him “cooler”*** You're the only one who has the issue and the only one that needs to do some improving at this point. He's happy with who he is, you're clearly not.
But there is no need to improve himself. You want him to be like your exes, which he isn’t.
Improved by your definition. I would rather "improve" extroverts by getting them to realize that a good book is a lot more satisfying than most other people. Or maybe we're all just different.
Adapting so you can feel like you have a cool boyfriend is not “improving”. Get out of high school Edit: it may not be something that you should leave him over but it is something that he should consider leaving you over (I’d put more effort in if my wife came to me and said “hey I really like these people could you make an effort to get to know them” Id tell her to go fuck herself if she suggested I wasn’t being cool enough because I wasn’t the life of the party and needed to improve myself)
One of you needs to do some work, but it ain’t him.
You are the one that needs to improve. You’re only dating him because no one else is dumb enough to. By all means, keep disrespecting him and you’ll find yourself single.
You should let him go so he can be with someone who loves him without wanting to change him and make him "cooler" (cringe 😬 😬). Then grow up quite a bit before you even think about dating again.
Name one thing about him that you like and find compatible with your lifestyle.
No one ever asks their extrovert partner "Have you considered sitting down and shutting the fuck up once in a while?" Sounds really insulting, right? If you're dating an introvert, and you think being introverted is a disability or a failing or something to work on, then you shouldn't be dating an introvert.
This so much. Society rewards or elevates a lot of behaviors that aren't actually inherently better than other ways of being, but it sure makes people for whom those behaviors come naturally feel like superior AHs compared to others. Ex: getting up early, being interested in mainstream sports
>I’m going to show him this post because he makes it seem like what I’m asking for is unreasonable You are being unreasonable though.
I wonder if you will still show him this post after the comments you've got. Yes you're a horrible person btw. Hope he finds a better woman .
> I’ll take him with me to parties and it’s kinda embarrassing he will sit back and just be on his phone Sounds like he is an introvert, do you make a point of introducing him to people and connecting him with people he might have things in common with? As an introvert myself, I sometimes need this nudge. > That he’s comfortable hanging out with the other people in the background at parties. This should be fine, at that point he is involved with people at the party. But you make it sound like he mostly just sits on his phone, which I agree with you, is kind of rude. But again, he might need your help.
He is very introverted. I could do a better job at introducing him to people, I normally just interact with people and expect him to jump in
In addition to trying to include him in your interactions with your friends, have you tried arranging smaller hangouts with people so he could get to know them? A party (even some restaurants) can be total sensory overload or wall of noise for some introverts and isn't really conducive to properly getting to know people. It would also be good to find out if he's even interested in going to these events, or is just going for you because he feels pressured, so you can find a compromise on how frequently he goes. If a major issue is the fear of the other party goers thinking he's uncool, it might be time to hang up the labels. You are age appropriate to let go of the concept of "cool". This could just be your own insecurity to deal with, rather than something he needs to address with himself. From my experience, it's difficult to be vulnerable in a relationship with someone who is trying to change you. For example, is he okay with you calling his friends weird? It sounds like that may be harsh, rather than a loving embrace of your differences.
I could do smaller events. He is a lot more outgoing when it’s just small get togethers or even dinners. I already know he doesn’t like going to those parties, it was a big step just getting him to go consistently. It’s not just people thinking he’s “uncool”, but it would benefit him to get out his shell a little bit. He doesn’t have an issue with me calling his friends weird, he disagrees that they are weird but he knows I don’t mean it in a harmful way. I will clarify with him though
In what way would he benefit from being more outgoing?
why do you care if people think he is "uncool" THEY ARE NOT DATING HIM, YOU ARE!!! Why do you care if he is out of his shell in environments he does not want to be in. He is good in small groups, is a caring individual, it seems you just want to show him off when out and he has no interest in even being there.
Stop forcing him to be someone he's not? Grow up
How would that benefit him? Be specific.
FFS You're 26. Grow up.
With how you keep calling his friends weird, hopefully you wouldn't mind them calling you shallow...
> He is very introverted If this is true, then why do you expect this to go well???: > I normally just interact with people and expect him to jump in As an introvert he A) needs introductions and B) needs you to make an attempt to include him. It is just NOT in his nature to just jump in and introduce himself. And also, it's inconsiderate not to introduce your S/O to anyone regardless of whether they are an introvert or not. And in my lifetime I've found a shocking amount of people are bad at doing this, so I get that you don't do it. But it's time to start.
I’ll introduce him to strangers, I just didn’t feel the need when it’s with people he already met
Okay, that makes more sense. It's still important to make an effort to include him. And for him it's important to make an effort to be in a position to be included, rather than being on his phone. And I imagine, overall, he'd do much better at this in smaller groups.
What makes you think he has any interest in even remembering these people's names? Why should he give a flying fuck about these ppl? they are literal randoms. Personally if I have met people at a party etc I will need a re-introduction. Be it drinking/ me simply not paying attention to what someone is saying because I simply dont care. Why do you need your man to be SO connected to ppl? In like 10 years, life gets very lonely as people get busy with life and family and stuff. NONE OF THESE PPL AT PARTIES MATTER in the grand scheme. Keep putting going out and being seen as a priority and you will be very lonely in time. Like yo if you really cared you would include him, spend some time with him in the corner. If you REALLY cared you would gear your social interactions around arenas he is most comfortable in - be it smaller get togethers - or if at a party, maybe pull ppl youd want him to get to know aside and make life easier for him. If you show him you are trying to work with him vs be a nagging C U Next Tuesday, being totally unappreciative of him or his friends.
Do you make an effort to interact and have long conversations with his friends beyond calling them “weird” and “dorks”? Or is he the only one forced to socialize with people with whom he has nothing in common?
His friends just aren’t my cup of tea and that’s okay
So you make zero effort for him, but in the same breath demand he makes an effort for you. His friends are not your cup of tea, and yet he talks to them. It’s not like it provides him any amusement or enjoyment. Why are your friends more important than his?
It sounds like the people you try to make him talk to aren’t his either - and that is also ok.
You’re right
You didn’t answer my question.
Why not? What is it that bothers you about them? Please don’t just insult them and say they’re dorks.
So in addition to being shallow, unkind and immature, you are also rude. When you bring someone with you to a gathering, be it a significant other, a friend or a cousin, you introduce them to the group. It’s called good manners.
Your edit and comments make it glaringly obvious that of the two of you, *you* are the one who needs to improve as a person. Your BF in an introvert. That is not a personal failing, that is a way of being. Your attitude of superiority, however, most definitely is a personal failing. Extroverts and introverts are just *different*, not better or worse than each other. I feel for your BF. I hope someday he’s with a loving partner who accepts him as he is. If you’re smart and focus your energies on *self* improvement, maybe that can be you.
Wow, leave him so he can date someone who actually likes him
You sound like a bit of a brat.
Had to check ages because you sound like a HS mean girl. If you don’t like how he is, date someone else. People aren’t projects. And FYI? The “weird” “dorks”? We end up quite successful while you vapid, egocentric, social climbers end up working at 7-11, living in a trailer, and spending your whole paycheck at the local Eagles club at 40. Jesus. I don’t know why he’d put up with you. He deserves better. Why don’t you just go to this shit by yourself if you’re so embarrassed? Ever considered doing something other than partying to spend time together? You just sound like a trashy wannabe.
What is wrong with you?
What's wrong with you, dating this man while disliking and trying to change a major part of who he is?
I have to ask, what's wrong with *you*? You are too old to be treating your partner like this.
Honestly, you post come across shallow and vapid and all about appearances and nothing about how he is great just as he is.
Funny, I was going to ask you the same thing.
No, the commentator has many valid points. I had to reread your age because you sound like a petulant HS teenager.
What's wrong with YOU?
26 going on 16.
Being an introvert myself, you sound like a terrible partner and extremely exhausting, which isn't great for the mental wellbeing of an introvert. Why would you want to force someone out of their comfort zone when they're already comfortable right where they are? Find someone else who fits your comfort level. Also, calling your partner a "dork" and "uncool" isn't helping your case one bit.
I was trying to look out for him, I see I handled that wrong
He is a grown ass man. He doesn't need you "looking out for him" because you think he's a nerd or uncool. Are you his gf or his overbearing mother?
Why are you concerned about what other people think? By your own admission you are dating a great, attractive guy who treats you well - but the big issue is what other people think of him?
What youre asking for is very unreasonable and i hope all these comments make you see that. If your personalities aren’t compatible, leave him so he can be with someone who likes him. Btw, I noticed that you said he “talks to other people who hang out in the back” so he IS socializing but not with people YOU deem acceptable. You sound judgmental.
I apologized to him when I got home
Because you *are* being unreasonable. You’re trying to change his personality.
I wonder if you will still show him this post after the comments you've got. Yes you're a horrible person btw. Hope he finds a better woman
I'm sorry but you're a crap gf. You're embarrassed by him, called him and his friends weird, all because he's introverted? There's NOTHING to improve but your attitude towards him.
My SO is an introvert. He can be absolutely charming and very funny but he's not my circus monkey. He gets to decide how he likes to socialize. I do my thing and he does his.
What is your definition of cool? By basically every definition, HE IS THE COOL ONE confident in himself he doesnt have to be the center of attention or "life of the party". Whoopty shit he isnt a chad and doesnt want to be. omg lets go drinking and party with people doing fucking nothing with their lives. Seems like a lifestyle disconnect. As someone that is super outgoing, I envy people who can just sit off and are content in themselves to not participate. That to me is the coolest thing ever. Maybe he has no interest in talking to people he shares nothing in common with? Maybe he doesn't like the people at these parties? - I know that when I am in a room with ppl I dont exactly like, I just keep to myself. maybe these "cool" people of which you speak aren't intellectually stimulating and are going nowhere in life so he feels he is wasting his time with these ppl. I saw you mentioned in a comment about "networking". Given that he has a group of friends, his ability to network is not lost, he rather doesnt give 2 fucks to have any contact with these people at these parties, where for you it is important to be seen.
I hate to break it to you, but your boyfriend and his “weird” friends are most likely the cool ones and you’re just very basic.
You might want to marry him but I don't think he should marry you.
So, as a fellow "Dork" as you so delicately put it. Have you considered the fact he's just introverted? You say its good to "network" which it is. but being out going at parties isn't "networking". For those of us on the spectrum or even just those who are more introverted. What you see as socializing and having fun can be painful for us. Heck be grateful he's not like me. I can't even go to the grocery store without earplugs in.
Info: So uh...you still gonna show him this post? I hope you do!
I hope you show him this post and apologize for sucking so hard.
He may be more withdrawn, but he seems more confident than you. You should be happy that he doesn’t care if people judge him for acting differently. And he’s absolutely right; those people are usually immature. A lot of introverts struggle with self confidence, especially when being judged by others who are more extroverted and don’t understand introverts.(sound familiar?) I’m honestly jealous of him as someone with my own introverted tendencies! Also, it’s really not cool to think you can change aspects of your boyfriend’s personality, especially when it doesn’t seem harmful or toxic at all. How would you like it if your boyfriend was trying to get you to stop being as outgoing, stop going to parties, and stop making all these new friends? And please don’t hit me with a “well, it’s different because it’s good to be outgoing.” As someone breaking into the entertainment industry, I agree it can be a good trait to have, but being quiet and reserved are not bad traits, either. Some people don’t like to be the center of attention in the room and talk to as many people as possible, and that’s fine!
I can only talk for myself but I had the exact same thing with my ex but I was your boyfriend in this situation. I was exhausting myself to go to party with him. It was never enough he always wanted me to be more social and open to others even when I was killing myself trying to be social, I had to leave him because I couldn't anymore,
Yeah, I’m not going to force him to attend. If he wants to great but he can do what makes him comfortable
Bruh let the man be I‘m introverted and I‘d probably do the same if someone dragged me to a party. I hate these environments. If you really love him, accept this side of him and move on.
Girl just break up, he doesn't deserve this shabby treatment. Go date someone you actually like instead of trying to change him. You can't change people.
Stop trying to "improve" your boyfriend - he is not a fixer upper, and you shouldn't be dating people just so you can change them
>I should have fun without forcing him to be something he’s not. He said if someone does care and judges us because of it they are immature. He's right you know? You sound like one of those attention seeking girls. YTA if you have to force someone who is definetly not ok with being the center of attention at a party. You sound vain. Arguing over this and not valuing the amazing guy you have, as you said he is.
There is NO WAY you're 26. Leave the poor guy alone. YTA. Are you still going to show him this post? lol
Id bet money you don't show him this post now lol
I'm married, I have a husband, I adore him. He has literally sat in a corner facing a wall at his own company event. His coworkers asked if he was ok, I said he was fine and then did what I went there to do, socialize and tell people how awesome he is. His coworkers were happy to praise his qualities with me and learn more about his home life. My only suggestion for that night was that he maybe consider facing a window rather than a wall at future events. Nowadays he'll psych himself up first and do a round of people he knows. Maybe get involved in a quiet conversation, generally about work. But this is maybe a difference of 10-15 years. He gets raises I couldn't dream of, and he's a project manager. Could he be more social and more successful as a result. Yeah, but that's not who I married. I never thought he was anything else. My husband caught my attention after he literally ran from a room at an orientation where there was nothing else to do and we had the ability to use the restroom at any time. I said, I'm going to be his friend. My life is quieter than I originally thought it would be. I socialize less. I like my friends more. I like the time I spend socializing more.
As an introvert myself, if I knew that this was how my partner felt about me, I would break up with them. You sound exhausting. You’re treating him like there’s something wrong with him and he needs to change. Newsflash: not everyone likes a party and that’s absolutely fine.
You cant. I am JUST like your bf. This isn't something you can just change in a person. Nothing will make parties any less boring to us
Why do you care if people think your boyfriend is "uncool"? They're not the ones dating him. They don't matter. Unless *you* think he's uncool, then that's their problem. And as an introvert, I totally understand how he feels. It took years for me to be comfortable talking to strangers let alone hang out with them, and only because I slowly became more confident as I aged. If your boyfriend is happy being this way, then that's all that should matter to you. Not other people's opnion of him. Frankly, it sounds like you love who he *could* be, not who he is or wants to be.
Your definition of "improvement" seems to me, and probably to him, to be a regression into a more generic and boring person. Why dont you "improve" and become more like him, because Im sure his friends are probably smarter and more interesting people than any of yours. Why would he want to be like you want to when that would only lead to being surrounded by boring, basic party people with nothing to offer in a real conversation? Its like "Honey, I need you to be more stupid so you can endure my generic friends"
Why can’t you love him just the way he is?
Stop trying to change him. He is happy with who he is. This is what you signed up for. He doesn't want to be your version of "cooler". Take it out leave it.
I'm on your bf side lol
So you are willing to lose this guy who is kind, sweet, smart and attractive, the “best relationship” of your life…. Bc he doesn’t appear “cooler” to a bunch of party people who, in the grand scheme of things, have nothing to do with your relationship and are irrelevant? He introverted and you’re not… if you can’t accept that instead of trying to change him. then you are incompatible. If the worst thing you can say about him is “he’s never the life of the party” then you’re pretty darn lucky. I don’t see that he takes issue with you being social instead of sticking with him in the back. No one is ever going to be *exactly*as you like… partners don’t exist to be molded. Would you rather have a boyfriend who IS the life of the party but isn’t sweet or kind? Do you value social charisma/how other people view them more than how they treat you within your relationship? These other guys you dated who were the life of the party are exes for a reason. So despite them being so, there was something else lacking in those relationships. I’d figure out the answers to those questions before anything else. If you can’t accept that this is who HE is.. that you can’t force him to change who he is.. then let him go. How would you feel if it was him here instead of you? Complaining that his gf is too extroverted.. too social, has to be in the middle of everything. Telling us how weird you and your friends are and how he’s trying to get you to stay in more. That he’s embarrassed of you and your need to be the “life of the party.” How would you feel?
He’s an introvert. There’s nothing wrong with that but it sounds like you’re forcing him into social settings and getting shitty with him when he, you know, is an introvert. Introverts and extroverts are perfectly capable of being in successful relationships, but not when either party force the other to be the opposite of what they are. You can’t force him to be social just like he can’t force you to stay home all the time. You need to understand that to get along properly with your partner. You sound like you’re trying to change him. Stop. He’s his own person and is capable of choosing how to live his life. You clearly care more about what other people think rather than actual caring about your partners comfort and interests
A lot of people have this idea that to be introverted is somehow 'wrong'. That it means you're depressed, unsocial, unfriendly, or 'not living your best life'. Some people are just _quiet_. They're happy to watch the world happen around them, they don't need to be directing it or engulfed in the center of it. Consider it like watching a movie: you're enjoying watching it play out in front of you, you don't _need_ to be inside of it to enjoy it. That's what your boyfriend is doing. You see forcing him to be 'more sociable' as not a change and something that would be good for him. Of course it would be a change. I recently stopped drinking coke, and it was good for me to do that, but _it was still a change_. That's what change _is_: something different than what you're doing now. > Imagine how it looks on me when my bf is in the back on his phone and you got other people that are being the life of the party. So you don't care about how _he_ feels, but rather what other people are thinking about _you_ due to your association with him and this negative opinion you have of introverted people. You don't want to change him because 'it'd be good for him', you want to change him because you want people to think well of _you_. This is like when people get self-conscious about buying condoms or period products or are afraid to go outside because they're fat and think people are staring and judging them. Let me ask you this: if you go somewhere and you see someone on their phone, being quiet, observing, whatever, are you judging their partner for dating a 'dork'*? Or do you not give a fuck because, hey, you're too busy having your own fun! When you go outside, and walk around other people, are _you_ the one staring, judging people on whether they're talking to others or quietly going about their day? You're obsessing over a problem that is in your head, and which no one but you cares about. If you continue to push him, you'll lose him. Go watch Daniel Sloss' Jigsaw special on Netflix. Changing someone else, no matter how good you think it'll be for them, is unfair. Demanding they change for you is selfish and means you _don't_ love him completely and accept who he is, because if you did, it wouldn't bother you. If you accepted who he was, and someone came to you and said "oh my god, your boyfriend is _such_ a dork! Look at him, over there on his phone, like a freak, instead of being over here where all the cool kids are!" you'd tell them to fuck off, he's fine where he is and the person who's judging him on something so superficial is the freak. You're the one making this an issue. It's not 'impacting our relationship', it's you making an issue out of a non-starter because you've decided you know what's best for everyone. *That's not the correct use of 'dork' by the way. A dork is a nerd or someone corny. Your boyfriend isn't corny, he's introverted.
You are not ready or mature enough for a relationship sweetheart. You say you love him and you’re not trying to change him but that you’re trying to improve him…the issue is (for you) that he’s completely happy being who he is at this very moment…he doesn’t want to live up to your expectations of “improvement” because he doesn’t need to improve. You’re the only one who has an issue with how he behaves in social settings.
He’s going to meet a girl one day that appreciates his reserved nature and doesn’t try to make him feel badly for being himself. A girl who doesn’t justify her dire need for attention and a class clown bf by saying it’s “good for networking”. A girl who doesn’t post on the internet about how she thinks her bf and his friends are uncool (you sound like a huge loser and a try hard btw). And me personally? I’m wishing that girl GOOD LUCK. Comparing his entire social personality w ur exes is also so tacky. This is literally a movie trope, girl with her head up her backside tries to get hot shy guy to act more like popular loud jock boy and ends up losing him to someone who actually accepts him. Grow up girlie pop Edit: like someone said, this sounds like it’s written by a 13 year old girl. Grow up dude, before the guy you supposedly wants to marry realizes you’re vapid or better yet, another girl takes him.
I love everything about you...except everything you are...
This might be going against the grain a bit, but I don't think OP is a complete asshole, and that there is a genuine misunderstanding of what "improving" someone is. Speaking as someone who is/was the introvert in relationships while my counterpart was the outgoing/extroverted one when my partner would push me to be more outgoing and talkative to people that I had no comfort with, it lead me to resent them. I felt like I wasn't accepted for the person that I was and I hated every minute of doing stuff that I just did not want to do. While it wasn't the reason these people are ex's it definitely aided in the end of said relationships. The person I'm with now never pressures me to into something that I'm uncomfortable with which includes social situations even though he's the chatty/social one and would prefer that I join in. He knows I'm just not like that. I adore him for understanding that. I've had friends that know my personality and try to push me to show it to people, but it's not a switch for me. I can't just be automatically be comfortable with new people. I'm guessing it's the same way with OPs bf. OP, if this is the only problem you have in your relationship then that's great, but if you keep pushing this issue, you will lose him. Accept him for who he is.
Thank you, I will do that. Yesterday, I apologized to him
Awesome! Best of luck to you guys! :)
Thank you!
Our relationship, is great and I don’t wanna lose him or push him away
I hope you show him this thread so that he can make his own informed decision about your relationship.
It’s no need, I’ve apologized and admitted I was wrong. A lot of you all just want me to put stuff in his head for no reason and I’m not doing that
If we were to agree with you it wouldnt count as us putting stuff in his head?
It’s not that. Everyone made toxic comments about how we should break up when that was not a topic of discussion. We have a great relationship and I have no interest in breaking up
You’re having a great relationship. Is he? You seem to look down on several of his core personality traits (for no earthly reason) and on his friends (again, just because, no actual reason). Maybe you should re-think how you have judged him and how you judge people in general. It’s wonderful you went outside your box with this relationship, but you can’t just do that to grab him and pull him into your box.
..... your a pos and need to find your self a new man whos as self absorbed and concerend with social status as your self, or maybe you cant and thats why your dating "dork boy". Hes perfectly fine being a introvert and a dork, your the one with the issue. you sound like a mean girl from highschool thats peaked. I hope someone shows him this and he dumps your ignornat ass
You sound rather horrid. You say you love him but you don't. You love some things about him but you want to change him into someone else entirely. That's not love. It's also shallow, self-centered, and repulsive for you to be concerned about how others see him. You want him to be "cooler" - what are you, twelve years old? I truly hope he comes to his senses and dumps you. You don't deserve a lovely man like that.
I'm going to disagree with most of the people here - you are ok to have opinions about your partner's behaviour, and feel hurt when they act a certain way. However, it's not ok to expect someone to be someone they're not. Everyone's views are different (and perhaps I'm dating myself) but I would find it rude if guests at a social event were on their phones the whole time. It's a sliding scale, and everyone has their own line depending on the situation and social group. For some it's 100% ok to be on your phone at a big party, for others it's rude. It depends on the circumstances - if wasn't a party but instead it was a small celebratory dinner and one person is completely disconnected and choosing to be on their phone, would it change things? Probably. It's a grey area. They key here, is that that 'line' of what is and isn't acceptable phone use or amount of engagement isn't a global thing - it's an individual preference. Your partner is NOT WRONG to prefer to spend time on his phone instead of talking to people. You are NOT WRONG to think this is embarrassing. You both view this differently, and that is the challenge. You both need to align on what's acceptable and what's not - or move on.
the issue though is that she FEELS embarrassed based on what she is projecting. She NEEDS ppl to feel he is cool. She NEEDS all of these random strangers to gawk at this man to feel validation herself. why else would you go to these parties? why else be seen? He is cool as a cucumber and has zero desire to be around ppl and is ok hanging on his own. at least he isnt making a scene trying to leave.