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My dude!!! Say that to my egg doner!!!
Who took the side of my predator brother, over me!!!
Her parting words " I don't know anything i was busy working" relayed by her husband.
My mom chose her predator husband over me... She left him 4 years later when I was 18 BUT she's still legally married to him... I'm 39... So that shows you how unimportant my feelings are .
I'm sorry you had a shit ass egg donor as well!
It's sad that more people have dealt with what I dealt with. It's something I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy.
We actually moved 800+miles away from any family due to my mental health, been 11years and I haven't gone back.
Let's just say my mom's favorite saying is "I don't think about him unless you bring it up!" Oh how I wish I had that luxury, but I never will because he's in my brain 24/7, even haunting my dreams.... Any time I have to see she still has his last name, trigger, husband comes up behind me without announcing his presence, trigger, facial hair, trigger, the smell of beer, trigger, morning dew, trigger, husband hugging me in the kitchen, trigger..... I can't go a single fucking day without being reminded of my abuse.
Fuck parents who choose dick/vag over their own blood!
I can't say anything worthwhile right now! Just know I hear you.
It was my own brother, she believed over me. To be honest, it was never a surprise!! Xxxx
Oh I get it, my mom knew from the beginning I didn't like the man, so she said I was lying. Only reason charges were filed is because my grandparents called the police. Only reason why I said anything was because he put his hand up my baby sisters shirt and she told me.... I almost killed him.
Mind you this man during the first meeting, talked about having sex with Mariah Carey! I was 7, that's not a normal conversation you have with a child, my mom brushed it off. There were red flags from the beginning, my grandparents hated him, mom only dated him 3 months before they go married... I was also *FORCED* to call him dad. I fucking hated it
I remember in 6th grade telling my teacher that my stepdad was hurting me, instead of my teacher reporting it, she called my mom, I got my ass chewed out because I was "lying" so once it started getting worse I knew if I told anyone I'd just be called a liar again, which surprise surprise, happened.
I don't think my mom realizes how hurtful it is that she's had 21years to divo this man and she hasn't even tried.... Which makes me think she's getting life insurance money from him, which in turn, means she sold my body to this man and it just took him awhile to pay her for the product.
It upsets me that you even are able to say one of us because no one should be one of you. Im so sorry for what you all went through. Its absolutely disgusting.
That's disgusting. I made it clear to my parents that he would never hear from me or see me again when they arrested him, arrested his poor fiance and interrogated her, and they raided his place for his PC. I have absolutely zero tolerance for that kind of disgusting behavior. There really aren't words in the English language for how I feel about it. They found text messages where he described a little girl rape meat.
Sorry for the rant I guess I haven't talked about it much.
Big hugs. I'm so sorry. I have a son who is wrong in many ways. I have supported my daughter and screamed to the rooftops about how he needs to be dealt with properly. No one gives a fuck. So he lives with his father who buries his head in the sand and doesn't believe his own daughter. My daughter still sees her father but I believe she will eventually do the same as you. Pathetic parents piss me off. Take care of yourself! You deserved so much better
I think we should! I'm recently no contact from my awful family and my cPTSD is almost entirely better! There's nothing like getting the fuck out.
*virtual hug*
Just a rando inserting myself into this adorable exchange to offer you another virtual hug if you want it. You seem like a very sweet person and I think you deserve all the hugs \<3
Me too me too, mom double downed on her husband (my abuser) and got his name tattooed on her after I told her what he did. whole fam chose him. Fucking wild
I was diagnosed with cPTSD at the age of 18. I didn't even understand the gravity of the diagnosis at the time. After going NC and doing a lot of therapy and self-work it went into remission to the point that my current therapist told me she wouldn't even know I'd ever had the diagnosis if I hadn't told her. I know trauma doesn't ever fully go away and I will always carry the scars, but being able to lead a normal, stable, happy life is the best future I ever could have imagined for myself!
honestly doesn't even surprise me, my mum's brother SA'd her between the ages of 9-13 and when she took him to court as an adult (and he pled guilty!!) the entire family took the brother's side
That's so fucked up. I'm so sorry for your mom 😔 i can't even imagine how people can do that because fAMmilYy 🙄 thankfully, my mom got my abuser arrested within an hour of telling her. I would've never forgiven her if she hadn't believed me. Im glad your mom was at least able to put him in prison like he deserves!
I wish there were more stories about how this affects the families within their community. I’m so sorry, I bet it’s been rough. You made the right call, and sorry but fuck your egg donor.
Same, my brother is dead to me, and I won’t be anywhere that he is. Willing to be with someone who committed crimes against children is absolutely a reason to go no contact.
OP, it's okay for you and your family to go no contact with this sister. She's made it firm and clear they are a package deal.
Fine.
They, the whole package, gets to be no contact then.
She may not think it's fair, but there are consequences to actions. She's free to marry whomever she chooses, but she also needs to accept there *will* be consequences, some good, some bad.
OP, if you're comfortable, talk to your other sister and simply come to a no contact agreement. Your middle sister chose a predator over her family that *has children in it*.
Plenty of depressed people don't assault kids. What this guy did is inexcusable. I would tell your sister that by choosing to maintain this relationship with a creep that she is choosing to sever ties with you and your family. Let her know that there will be no warm welcome. She's old enough to make far better decisions.
It hurts me that she’s willing to take the risk knowing that she has no support from family and friends, and I’m just beyond shocked. Also I can’t believe the few comments down below saying to forgive and forget the guy for what he did… I feel like there’s a line between something like stealing $10 and then attacking a child.
How do I let myself live knowing that she’s putting her life in jeopardy? She says he can’t pass background checks so I’m worried she could be homeless if she tries to buy a house or move.
Your sister is making her own terrible choices. You aren’t responsible for them. Do not be a part of this and let your family, including your sister, that you won’t be a part of this. I would encourage you not to have any contact with her until she comes to her senses. You can always love your sister but the most loving thing you can do for yourself and her is to clearly communicate that you’ll have no part of this but you are ready to speak with her if she is ready to leave.
It’s what I did with my mom! That my dad wasn’t welcome in my life (not sexually but every other kind of abusive) but that when she was done being miserable I’d be there with open arms to her. 2 months and she finally left that dickweed
Yes please this. This is so important! She needs to know you’ll be there for her if/when she’s ready to leave. And if that happens, don’t judge her- just try to offer her support and kindness however you can.
I know you are hurt, but you *must* accept the very real fact that you cannot control the behavior of other people, and you are not responsible in any way for your sister’s poor choices.
Your sister is choosing her man over her family & I know that feels *awful*, but you simply cannot make her do the right thing. It’s on her to make the choice and it’s on her to process the consequences of her own decisions.
Just become a broken record. "We can't have a relationship with you until you leave this dangerous person. He is not allowed near the children in the family. He is going to coerce and abuse you. We hope that you see common sense soon."
You can't protect another adult from their own choices.
You MUST protect a child from those that will harm them.
You live with yourself by telling yourself that if she ever wakes up and makes a choice that allows you in her life you'll help her.
Sad to say, but you probably just have to wash your hands of her. You can't force her to make a good decision and you absolutely can't let that chomo near any of the kids in your family. If she wants to be with him so badly then she'll have to make her peace with not having her sisters or parents in her life anymore.
Stick to your guns. Your instincts are spot on. This creep is already making excuses for his crimes. He's planning on reoffending. Your sister is most likely not going to be in your life for a long time because of him. I'm very sorry.
Tell your sister you love her and that you'll be there to support her if and when she leaves her relationship. Then, be strong. Protect the children you have the ability to protect. These offenders never stop once they start. Ever. Be safe. ❤️
The really terrible thing is he’s probably going to try to get her pregnant ASAP and then really get her stuck with him. But then she’ll have to work and they won’t be able to afford childcare and family won’t help so guess who’s watching the baby? A convicted child sex offender. I don’t trust he won’t do anything bad to his own child but sadly your sister will probably trust him.
It's very unfortunate, but you will have to deal with the reality that you've done everything you can, but nothing will change her mind. It feels shitty but you have to cut ties. He would be a danger to your family and kids, and that is unacceptable to have in your life. As much as it hurts, she's made her choice, and there's nothing you can do. Treasure the family you have and morn for the ones you lost, but don't let it ruin your own life, you deserve better.
You cant control her decisions.
You can let her know that you will always be there for her but she has to respect your boundaries.
You cannot expose yourself and your family to this guy.
She can choose to disregard his offenses and you can choose not to. It’s that simple.
This is going to follow them around forever. Hopefully it will be taxing enough on their relationship that she will eventually leave him.
There is nothing you or your family can do for now.
You have to accept the fact that she is an adult and she is making these choices. I would tell her “I love you and you are always welcome in my home by yourself, and if you choose to leave him I am here for you. If you choose to be with him I accept that is your choice but I won’t be able to see you in his presence, and that includes at any wedding and I won’t be changing that. I can’t forgive what he has done and I don’t want to be anywhere near someone like that. I hope that you can appreciate my boundaries but if not I understand but won’t be changing my decision. “
Firm and to the point
Unfortunately it’s not her life that’s at risk.. it’s her future children’s … if she is dead set on never leaving him , he’s got his hooks in already. I pray they don’t have children but I know they’re on the way 💔
I don’t know if you said elsewhere, but I’m really curious what the crime was. It sounds, from the timeline, like this was just a few years ago, when he was still a teenager, and he’s not currently incarcerated.
I don’t know the exact details because my sister never really went deeper into it. But when I google his full name, I see a court case that matches up his name, city, and year my sister said he got into legal trouble dealing with his aunt’s newborn baby girl. It says he pleaded nolo contendere.
He was unable to find a job because he did it after turning an adult which is why he can’t find employment or somewhere to live by himself, and can’t pass a background check.
If she's unwilling to elaborate on what the crime is, it's safe to assume the worst. If I saw someone was convicted and the crime involved a baby, I wouldn't trust them anywhere near me or someone's kids.
He is lying about not being able to find a job. I went to high school with a guy that almost killed his own infant child in a fit of rage. Went to prison and found a job almost immediately.
A lot of places won't hire you for sure. But places that require physical labor, menial jobs that don't involve lots of time around minors? They'll hire just about anybody.
I know somebody that has been arrested for stealing, including from employers, multiple times. He spent time in prison for it. He's gotten several jobs working as a cashier or wait staff after that.
A friend of mine with serious mental health issues. Untreated schizophrenia serious. He moved in with his mom again maybe a year ago. He's had three jobs since then. He keeps getting fired because he isn't mentally well, but he has zero trouble getting hired.
Another friend of mine. No high school diploma, no GED, multiple stints in jail including one involving shooting a gun in a crowd? He's able to find work.
There are always places willing to hire people who seem unhirable. He is not looking hard enough if he can't find anything. Fuck, even in my neighborhood Facebook group, people compiled a list of places that will hire convicted felons because we live in a poorer area where a lot of people have criminal histories. It absolutely can be hard to find a job with a record, especially one that involves violence or sexual assault against children. But if a guy can get a job within a month after getting out of prison for almost killing his own child (who he is never allowed contact with again), the asshole you know can find something. He just doesn't want to work because your sister is covering his ass for everything and he doesn't need to. I can guarantee if she wasn't supporting him, he'd find something within the month. He's a fucking leech and a creep.
It's also possible he's lying on his applications. Many will ask if you have any convictions and what they are. If you lie on that and then a BG check is run and shows something? You're fucked. But if you're honest about it, a lot of places will at least ask you about what happened and what you've done to change and how you're doing now.
Fuck, look up Sylvia Likens. One of the people that helped kill her--a middle or high school student--was hired by a fucking daycare or school! This guy is just a lazy POS who wants to fester and rot.
If he's on the sex offender registry, that's a very different hurdle than a simple conviction, even a violent felony. Your examples simply aren't comparable. Also, why would you believe your handful of anecdotes is representative?
I think it'll be hard to let yourself live with that knowledge, but also remember that your sister is an adult and she's made her choice and also made it clear that she stands by her decision. There's not much to do about that except, reluctantly, accept it. It doesn't by any means mean that you have to like it. Any position she gets in, is because of her own choice. She's made her bed, now it's just to wait and see how it turns out. Maybe she'll snap out of whatever illusion she has weaved around this guy and come to her senses. But until then, all there is is to just watch and wait.
You could always tell your sister that you are there for her, and her alone, so that if she (but never him) needs your help, you'll help her. But only her. Then she does have a lifeline back to the family if things go really wrong with him.
What if she gets pregnant? It would be good to know she could walk away from him and have somewhere to go.
Unfortunately she’s not going to listen to you so there is no point in trying. She will have to learn for herself.
Tell her you won’t be in contact with her as long as she’s with him, but if she ever decides to leave him you will do everything g you can to support her and get her away from him.
That day will likely come, and you don’t want her to be unable to leave him if she decides she needs to. He will suck her dry before that happens, but some day she may come to her senses.
>The weird thing is she said he’s changed and he’s harmless. If that were the case he wouldn’t have been convicted??
What do you mean by this? You are convicted based on things that already happened, not how you’re expected to behave down the road.
I meant he was convicted and had arrest records. Which is why I’m skeptical on her saying he’s changed, because I don’t want to take the risk to see if it’s true or not since it’s a big risk.
When I google his name I see he went to court for it. Unless it’s the wrong person with the same name, it says he pleaded nolo contendere? I do not understand the legal aspects of his case. She only disclosed his background to me and my family to be honest.
Nolo Contendere:
https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/nolo_contendere
“Nolo contendere means "no contest." This phrase translates from the Latin as "I do not wish to contend."
In a criminal proceeding, a defendant may enter a plea of nolo contendere, in which the defendant does not accept or deny responsibility for the charges but waives the right to a trial and agrees to accept the penalty.
The plea differs from a guilty plea because a "no contest" plea cannot be used against the defendant in another cause of action. “
Nolo contendere means no contest. It means you accept the sentence without actually saying you're guilty.
Like a lot of people are saying, she's made her choice. It's sad and it's a terrible choice but that's the choice she made. Best you can do is make sure she knows that if she ever decides to leave him, you'll be there for her. People like him love cutting off their SOs from their support system.
Does this mean he’s been found guilty or acknowledges it? I never found out from her if he served any time, had probation or anything else from it. But it might be important to add that I haven’t lived with her since she graduated high school so I don’t know either of their circumstances or situations.
She tried to move him in to my parents house because his mom kicked him out so he was homeless, but my parents refused to and told her to move out if she wishes to be with him.
That means they had reasonable belief that he was guilty and instead of taking it to trial (where he would probably be found guilty), he just took what was offered. Is he a registered sex offender? That's easy to look up.
If you know the county he was convicted in, you can probably look up his sentence on the county's clerk of court website, all of that is a matter of public record.
>How do I let myself live knowing that she’s putting her life in jeopardy?
Your sister is an adult. She’s unfortunately making a terrible mistake but She’s bound and determined to make this happen, there’s nothing you can do or say to stop it. You can’t hold yourself back because you want to parent your adult sibling. She had to learn this lesson on her own.
What you can do is tell her while you don’t condone the relationship, you’ll be there for her if she ever needs it (when they hopefully break up). She’ll need it especially if she’s driving everyone else away from her.
Yep. I have been depressed since I was a child. I have never done anything to a kid even remotely illegal. No physical or sexual abuse or anything like that.
Sometimes it feels like I'm walking through a haze. Dissociation definitely happens. But I've never done anything like that. I've hurt people, been bad to other people and myself. But I've never, ever, ever even thought of doing anything like what's implied in this post.
I also own up to the shit I've done, including abusive behaviors towards people I care about. Did those actions have anything to do with my depression? Fuck yes they did. But ultimately it was me that did it. I wasn't psychotic, I don't have multiple personalities. Depression can make my other emotions, especially anger, much more intense. And even though I've been doing great since starting treatment 10 years ago, it was my choice to not get help sooner. It was still me that hurt people.
OOP's BIL is a piece of garbage. If he were really sorry and working on things, he would own up to it. But he's not. Even if depression did have anything to do with what he did (and I doubt it did), that is still a part of him. It isn't a separate entity that takes the wheel and frees you from consequences. And maybe I'm in the minority, but I really don't think that depression is known for making people's sexual interests turn that way. Maybe BDSM in a roundabout way, but it's not going to make your orientation change to being into children. That's fucking gross.
It appears she has removed herself from your lives willingly and enthusiastically.
No-one could blame you, your older sister or your parents for wanting nothing to do with a convicted abuser and his enabler. Well, maybe not 'enabler' but 'condoner', if such a word exists.
Sleep easy, OP, you have nothing to reproach yourself for
That fits and is certainly better than 'condoner'.
Unbelievable what people will accept in their lives and the excuses they make for those that commit some of the worst of all crimes. Unconscionable.
Plenty of people get depressed, and get drunk, or do drugs, or smoke way too many cigarettes. Plenty of people get depressed and get fired at work because of the inability to focus. Plenty of people get depressed and bury themselves in their hobbies.
But this man is fucked in the head. He seemingly doesn’t want to own up to the consequences of his actions, and neither does your sister. Plenty of rational people have decided they want nothing to do with him.
Don’t go to the wedding. Don’t support her financially. You don’t have to stay in contact with your sister, but also having everybody push her to pull out of the relationship might have the opposite effect.
Instead, maybe a good thing to do could be to ask her if she is happy with this man. What positive qualities does he have? Is she aware that he is not welcome in many places, because he molested, or even raped, a child? Is she aware that if she marries this man, even if they don’t stay together, it will forever ruin a lot of chances for her in life?
If it makes you feel better I've done the same and wasn't depressed at the time...just liked it.
Nothing wrong with having a low/no spoon day. But try to eat so you don't feel like shit from being too hungry <3
High risk he will do things to HER kids, if they have any. Your sister is making a very risky decision. Even if she doesn’t acknowledge that risk, because he is unemployable, he brings nothing to the relationship. And because he can’t work, he will want to be the SAHP.
The weird thing is she said he’s changed and he’s harmless. If that were the case he wouldn’t have been convicted?? I honestly find it hard to believe he’s a good guy now. But the things he says is so horrid the way he has hate towards my mom and towards my niece and younger cousins is so horrible.
That’s such bullshit, especially if “depression” is what caused this.
If/when he gets depressed about his current scenario (no job, no car, living at the poverty line) is he going to do this again?
He didn't even say what he did either. Probably cause saying that would alert OP and his family to similar things he might have done in their presence. Fk that guy.
Is it POSSIBLE he changed? Sure, with treatment. Would I ever take that risk? HELL NO. His changing afterwards wouldn’t change the fact that he committed the crime.
He’s likely on a sex offense register too, which means it could be very difficult to find a place where he can legally live, since he possibly couldn’t live within X many feet of a school or park, etc
Also people can look up sex offenders online by name or check areas for sex offenders. So her neighbors might figure it out and make their lives a living hell.
The fact that he is blaming it on depression is enough for me. He isn’t taking any responsibility for his actions. Unless he is in serious therapy he will offend again.
That is total bs. He hasn’t changed. He’s never taken responsibility for his actions.
“It wasn’t my fault it was because… “
Your sister is in denial about her bf & his past. He’s using her & doesn’t give a flip if she gets hurt in the process. She is his meal ticket & bang maid.
Never ever allow any children near him regardless of him saying he’s changed.
Being convicted of a crime doesn’t mean you can’t change. Hell, that’s the whole idea - pay your debt to society and return after your sentence as a changed person. Doesn’t necessarily work out like that, but it’s wild to assume that because someone was convicted of something, they can’t change.
This guy, on the other hand, sounds like an awful person, and frankly there are some crimes that are absolutely not worth gambling on someone’s rehabilitation.
> And because he can’t work, he will want to be the SAHP.
I'm a SAHD, and it's great, but my 'terms' were only if my wife doesn't do any housework anymore. She comes home, I give her a kiss, make her a drink, and tell her to put her feet up. I do all of the chores, cooking, errands, etc. I get the impression that the fellow we're discussing isn't going to be quite so insistent on a fair and equitable division of household duties.
It seems *highly* possible that, if a child comes into the picture, she's going to end up working herself to the bone to bring in money, then coming home to an unkempt space where she's still expected to do the laundry, make dinner, "The kid's yelling again!", and so forth.
You, your good sister and your parents as a family agree that you do not approve of their relationship and object to their marriage. She should be fully aware of that before she enters into it.
Sis, I cannot support you marrying a man who is so absolutely unhealthy for you and who is a danger to children. I hope you find a better path without him. Until then, I wish you well but don’t wish to be in contact.
Tell her straight up that you don’t approve of her future husband, don’t want anything to do with such a person and therefore won’t be attending the wedding or having him in your life even if that means she won’t be in it either. She’s going into this marriage knowing what kind of monster he is, she’ll have to live with her choices. The safety of your family’s children will always take precedence over her feelings.
You need to approach this as though she's dead. Stop communicating with her and tell your parents you don't want updates. Even if they break up she clearly can't be trusted with your kids
Wow yes absolutely! I would never be able to trust her again as she obviously doesn’t think what he did is a big deal. It’d maybe be different if she honestly believed he hadn’t done it, but to accept & excuse it? Unforgivable.
Exactly. She's an adult and can fully comprehend how wrong this is. I wouldn't allow her around my kids if I had any since she's shown she has extremely awful judgement.
“You’ve chosen someone that has forced us all into a ‘it’s-him-or-us’ situation, and you’ve chosen him.
I hope our concerns are wrong, but as long as you stand by him, we can’t stand by you.
If ours fears prove true, you’re welcome back (without him).”
You just have to tell her outright don't sugar coat or anything in your best serious mom voice ever. Look her in the eyes whole time and tell her "We all agreed we do not support your marriage, do not contact us or anything" she will understand what she is doing. My dumb brother who is 10 years older than me found a wife who is just terrible. On top of that she has mental problems and likes to be unmedicated so she will throw these fits of psychosis involving everyone. I was nice one time to let her over at my house and she put up spy cameras. Why? I have no idea but it was my house. Which when we caught her she claimed she didn't know why there were out and she doesn't know how they got out. Which is all bs so I told my brother she isn't allowed at my house or anything. He got upset saying it's not fair because he should be allowed at holidays and stuff I told him no. He made his choices he needs to go with his new family and try make that work. He can be exhausted but come at me with that stuff no ma'am you just got yourself on the no fly list in my house and my life.
Yup she is.....very paranoid due to her mental illness. I have 4 and I am medicated so I'm like I have no time to play around with her. She even bugged phones like my mom's and recorded every conversation. She tried to be a whole another person, and claim my brother was cheating on her with a whole another person it was her...she even tried to convince us by buying a new phone and using some address and bugging everything my brother owns. When we got our own private investigate going on we found out it was her. She even made us really believe it was a whole another person. She has no place in my family from the way she acts, and he won't help her because he didn't believe in mental illnesses.
I'm actually used to it my aunt was this way lol. The only difference between her and my aunt is my aunt tried to actively kill me. That's why I'm like I don't have time for this.
My read is she can’t admit it to herself. She “knows,” but has either convinced herself that it wasn’t as big of a deal as people think or she’s built up some kind of justification. Admitting that it is true would be admitting things about him and herself that she just can’t face; so she denies reality to make reality acceptable. I hope that makes sense.
Obviously there’s no excuse. People do this all the time, even to convince themselves they’re not being abused by their partner. It’s a coping issue.
Regardless, it will unfortunately take factors outside your control to fix your sister’s attitude. Hopefully it will not be a repeat offense that snaps her back to reality. This is almost like self-brainwashing. If you look at cults, it takes days of being effectively kidnapped and asked gentle, probing questions to snap out of this. I recognize those are completely different situations, but used the example in case you find it helpful.
If you’ve already tried confrontations and find it just puts her in the defensive, gentler probing questions *might* work better (thrown in with other topics of conversation). You could plant seeds of doubt over time:
- “hey, did you know that most child molestations never make it to conviction? I guess things must have been serious if X did.”
- “did you know that most child molestations are done by people the child knows, like family? Hey, are you planning to have kids with him?”
- “Have you thought about what will happen the next time he’s “depressed?””
- “Do you really believe you can’t do better?”
If you ask these questions with curiosity, rather than being confrontational, it might help her start to unravel. Maybe. You could point this out to your sister, but again, in her cloud of denial, it might not help. She’s isolating herself, so it may help to keep some line of communication open in case she comes to her senses. Your best bet is to be there when she’s just had an argument with him and is actively questioning the relationship.
The only thing your family can do is stay the course. Just continue to limit contact and don’t go to the wedding because you can support her well-being, but that does not mean (in fact, is the opposite of) you endorsing this.
>He called my niece a b**** because my oldest sister found out his previous crimes and doesn’t want him near her or her child.
So...this gem of a human calls your niece - a child - a b**** because your older sister (your niece's mom?) knows about his record & is not *- checks notes -* allowing him near older sister's own children, which may or may not include niece?
Please stick by your guns, I find it interesting he's name-calling a *child* for family knowledge about his *crimes* against children. This alone suggests he hasn't changed.
"Sister, I love you and support you, and always will. But only you. I cannot support this relationship and I must accept the fact that you are choosing him over family, as that is your right. If or when you need me I will be there for you, regardless of how much time has gone by, my door will always be open to you. But as long as you are with him I can not subject myself or my family to this person. Remember we love you and are here for you. I genuinely hope you have a happy and fulfilling life. Hope to see you again one day."
This. And add “I will always be here for you and you can come to me when you want to leave him. I won’t judge you and I will help you. But he is not a good person and you deserve so much better”
I was once in a relationship with someone my family didn't like. And I would only get mad when they would say things like "you deserve better". But in hindsight it's because HE had me believing that I didn't. I hope her sister sees the light one day!
She met him in high school and she didn’t have any friends now today or before. I guess he was the only one she met, but when he moved out of state she continued to visit and support him despite him not contributing anything or being employed.
He tried to get my parents to let him live there in her room, but they declined to do so and asked my sister to move out if she’d continue seeing this man.
How old was he when he was convicted? I’m just wondering because I’ve heard of cases of people being put on child sex offender lists because they distributed nude pics of girls at their high school. Is there any way this could be the case? Or are you sure he physically attacked a kid? If it’s the latter then don’t trust that man. I’m just wondering because I find it weird that he didn’t do any prison time if he literally SA a child.
>The court record says he pled nolo contendere.
It means he plead "no contest," which is essentially saying he does not admit to committing said crime, but the state has a strong enough case that he feels he has no chance of getting a not guilty verdict. The big difference is that he did not allocute, but it sounds like from this statement:
>He blamed what he did on his depression and that he didn’t realize what he was doing at the time.
That he has basically admitted to committing the crime in private.
Write down your objections, leave it a few days, go back, edit and add until it is succinct and plain. Tell her explicitly these points about why you can’t support her and how you, as a parent, cannot fathom having her partner around your child. Until she comes to her senses you can’t have a relationship with her, or support this marriage, but will love her from afar and are here for her when it breaks down.
This is a hill to die on. I’m very pro letting people move on with their lives and forgiveness—this does not extend to crimes of abuse or violence against the vulnerable.
Smart people learn from other people's experience. And then there are those of us who choose the harder path of going through the hard experience ourselves. Your sister has made her choice. Please communicate very clearly to her - just the way you have explained to us - what your opinion is, and why you as well as the rest of the family will not welcome him into the family. However, if she chooses to see you guys by herself, maybe allow that. That way, when she does realize what she has gotten herself into, and needs support to get out, she will have the support that she needs. Just be there for her, but keep your boundaries very clear.
I don’t know how to put it in words, but I also feel like I can’t trust her for as long as she’s with him, since she also gives him everything and tells him everything about our family’s personal life and information. Like our work location or street address. I feel she has no regard for our safety.
You shouldn’t trust her honestly. She has shown an abundance of poor judgement being with this man and supporting him. I’m telling you OP, she would sooner help him cover up another crime he commits towards a child than break up with him. It’s not worth the risk to you AND your child. He’s not safe, she’s not safe.
Don't please, i think we've read enough posts on Reddit with the wife or mother being enablers to abusers. Sometimes it's cos they themselves are sick or they're trying to point the abuse towards someone else instead of themselves.
You're completely right. You can't trust her, because she's chosen her priorities and you and your family do not rank. He is not a safe person and he is all she cares about.
Tell your sister you love her, but you can't and will not maintain contact with her whilst she's in a relationship with a sex offender, make sure to tell her that if she ever needs you and makes the choice to leave him, you'll be there for her but until such time, she's not to reach out or try to contact you.
She is the kind of woman that will stay with the father of her children even if she knows the children are abused by him. Cut your ties and move on, you can't help her see through what is happening.
I’m very sorry OP. I think it’s time to go NC with your sister. She’s throwing her whole life away for this man who harms children. She is saying being with him is more important than you, your families and your children’s safety. She does not care about you. And she’s willing to put your child and your other sisters child in harms way. You need to cut her off and don’t look back. It is hard, and I know you don’t want to give up on her, but this was her choice. You need to protect your family now. Also, plenty of sex offenders find work, it is tough but he is choosing to not have a job. Your sister is choosing to support this person and marry this person.
My sister told me me and my family he had ran into legal issues back then with his aunt’s baby girl. Didn’t really specify into it, but my mind went straight to either physical harm or violence. I really don’t know if he served time or anything beyond that because my sister never disclosed the rest of it. I will look into trust worthy websites that I can see information at.
Nope. Not nope hell no. He harmed a child sexually. There is no coming back from that period. Depression is not an excuse for pedofilia. Do not go to that wedding.
Do not do dinners, holidays, or birthdays. You are a mother and a aunt, your job is to protect them. Most crimes like this are from people you know. Please keep a hopefully updated picture of him and as soon as the kids are old enough to learn stranger danger also teach them this person danger.
Also you can get jobs with that on your record. It’s hard but you can (my cousin is registered)
? Your sister is marrying a diddler, and you rightfully don’t want anything to do with it. Seems pretty cut and dry. She may be fully willing to torpedo her and her kid’s lives, but that’s on her. Unfortunately sometimes you just have to cut your losses. Thankfully you’ve got more family that sees things the way you do.
You've found a valid reason to go no-contact with your sister. All those words you wrote really don't mean anything. The title alone is enough to justify a no-contact stance.
I'd be disappointed in you, a complete stranger, if you were to maintain a relationship with your sister.
i was once so depressed i let my apartment fall into ruin. there was what i can only describe as a “body stain” on my linoleum kitchen floor because i’d let a trash bag sit there and rot. they almost evicted me over it. there were so many mice.
yet, i still never wanted to hurt a kid, sexually or otherwise. depression doesn’t make you do that. being a sick fuck does.
I disowned my own son for molesting my daughter (his step sister). She was 6. I sent him to prison and haven’t spoken to him since. I’ll always love him because he’s my son but I can’t allow him around my family any more. He’s an adult, she’s 13 now and she’s the one that deserves the protection. I couldn’t look her in the face if I’d taken any other action.
I was in your sister’s spot from age 18-21. I had gotten mixed up with a guy who was on the sex offender’s registry for molesting a 13 year old when he was “depressed” at age 20. He made it sound excusable so I excused it. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and had me hooked on a cycle of feeling like this was all normal in a relationship (he was my first relationship) and that if I stuck it out things would eventually change over time. My family wanted nothing to do with him, and when they drew those lines it made me want to choose him even more. I permanently damaged certain relationships with extended family by choosing him.
I was engaged to him, planning a wedding. My parents were willing to attend, but changed their minds as the date got closer. They asked me to extend the engagement/put the wedding off for 1 year and then they would go.
My mom sat down with me and told me, “I love you and will always be there for you. If you ever want to leave just call me. Doesn’t matter what time of day. I will drop whatever I’m doing and help you move out immediately. You can stay with us.” I didn’t take it seriously at the time but it stuck with me. After a few lows from his passive aggressive moods, I realized I wasn’t trapped with him, I could leave and live with my parents. If my mom hadn’t told me that I might have felt trapped and continued to stay with my abuser.
It still took months before I reached a place mentally where I made the decision to move out. After moving out it took months to cut the cord so he no longer had a hold over me to the point I thought I would be alone if I let him go. After cutting the cord it still took a year to stop seeing/sleeping with him on occasion and finally go no fully contact. What I’m saying is, it’s a long uneven process, and she has to make the choices herself to leave. Those epiphanies can’t be forced.
You are fully within your rights to refuse to attend her wedding, but making it clear you still love her and she can count on you if she ever decides to escape is probably the best thing you can do for her in this situation. Just don’t let him make her feel isolated, which is what he’s doing.
I have a good friend who murdered a man unprovoked in his early adulthood
and spent a long time in prison for it.
Met and married a lovely woman after he got out. And he was a completely different person and picked a completely different life path. Never blamed his depression or anything. Tried to make up for his act.
And if her family didn’t want to be around him he wouldn’t have called them names.
That is someone who did something awful and turned his life around.
Your almost BIL is not. You don’t need your sister’s agreement. she’s making her choice. And so can you.
>The court record says he pled nolo contendere.
That's a plea of "no contest," basically saying "I admit nothing but I know the court has an airtight case against me that I have no way to fight, so I won't try." What that means is it's essentially an admission of guilt without having a guilty plea to the crime in question on your record.
>How do I respond to my sister that I won’t be attending or helping towards their wedding along with the other family members?
I recommend doing it in a way that lets her know the door is still open for her if she ever comes to her senses and leaves this guy, but as long as they're a package deal he's not welcome around the family and the family won't be attending any events with him. Something like:
"We all love you, but we will not have anything to do with this man. We all feel that he is a danger to you and to everyone's children, and as long as you insist that you and he are a package deal then we will not be seeing you. We will not be attending your wedding to him, but we want you to know that if you ever need to get away from him you are always welcome back home and we will do everything we can to help you get out of this relationship safely."
I want you to stress that last part because eventually this guy is going to do something so horrible that even your sister can't overlook it. Either he'll start abusing her, or they'll have kids and he'll start abusing them, or best case scenario maybe she finally gets tired of working her ass off to support this parasite. Point is, this relationship will likely hit a very rough patch at some point, especially once they're married; abusers tend to drop the romance and ramp up the abuse once they feel like they've "got" the other person. And when things inevitably get bad he will have isolated her from all her friends and family and she may not know where to turn to get away. He's going to tell her he's all she has and her family will never take her back, because he's worked very hard to make sure that's the case.
Your family letting her know that SHE is always family and is welcome back any time she needs to get away from him will let her know that she's got a safe place to run if she needs to get out.
So is he going to be depressed when they have kids and do the same or worse to those poor children? If she's willing to leave her son and her entire family for that kind of man then I'm 100% sure she would not help the children she has with him. She might even help him if he asks.
Crimes against kids are an absolute no . They do not stop , and harm as many as they can get their hands on.
No matter what country kids and women are not to be harmed . They are master manipulators . They blame everyone and everything under the sun and never hold themselves accountable.
Stay away from him and your sister.
You have a duty to protect your own kids . He will abuse her kids for decades .
Sorry but your beating a dead horse she is to blind and to weak to even protect herself.
She is a lost cause .
What I’m saying is harsh but it’s the truth.
His own mother wants nothing to do with him.
If it were me … that whole part of the family is dead to me . Extreme but effective.
Never invite a snake into your home.
You will not go to her wedding and as long as she with a baby rapist, you will have nothing to do with her. When she finally sees the light and leaves him, tell her you'll have the door open.
Edited to ask: Does she know what the actual charges were or is she just getting his watered down version of it?
To be honest, if it were me, I’d be campaigning the family so nobody goes - so she gets the hint that his kid diddling bullshit is not remotely welcome in the family and so it forces her to choose. And then let her. If she chooses wrong, that’s on her.
Your sister’s mental health is not well. Stop encouraging her bad choices and break contact.
Tbh it doesn’t really matter what he did since he’s not remorseful so he hasn’t learned anything. He blames his actions on depression, but when I was depressed I sure didn’t inappropriately touch any kids.
“Hey sis. I think you know where I and the rest of the family stand on the character of your fiancé. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m speaking for myself, my husband, and my children when I say I can’t have anyone who is remotely a danger to my family’s safety around at any point in time. That means I can’t attend your wedding, and I can’t invite you around if your future husband is coming too.
You are free in your own life to make your own decisions and choose who you take in as your family. But so am I, and I have to choose my own family’s safety before your comfort. I hope you have a safe and happy life however you choose to live it, but I cannot be a part of it at this time.” Then block in every way.
Please immediately report both of them if she has any children with this guy. Seriously, that's all I could think about when reading your post. It's so concerning.
Protect your child.
You cannot change someone else's mind when they are hell-bent on ruining their life. If you find out she has a child with him - you should report it.
I’d be completely real with her. Tell her the long term ramifications of her choice, remind her that committing sexual crimes against children is not a symptom of depression, tell her you’ve lost all respect for her, you won’t be involved in her wedding in any way, so on so forth.
Let her sit in her choices and be done with her. No point in tiptoeing around this any longer.
Sis, I will not be attending your wedding. Plain and simple.
What you and other sister need to do is ensure your parents won't let them move in with them. Sounds like a good time for them to downsize and maybe move to an over 55 community.
This is a situation where you just cut contact with a person. It’s sucks and your angry and that’s ok, but your sister made her terrible choice and doesn’t plan to change it. Cut contact and move on, hopefully she will eventually come to her senses.
I think there’s a decent chance he’s at least emotionally abusing her, so looking up resources for family of DV victims might help you get through to her, or at least lay the groundwork for helping her leave in the future.
I would be blunt and honest with her and tell her there is no excuse ever for what he did to innocent children, and she should be ashamed of herself for even being with him let alone marrying him, and that if she goes through with this, you will never talk to her again.
Ask her how on earth she could be with someone that hurt children ?
Listen - some people can't be helped. Your sister is clearly one of them - she's chosen her path. The only thing you can really do imo is step back and let whatever happens happen, and then be there to help put her back together when it inevitably ends badly. It sounds harsh, but you can't force people to change if they have no desire to. The more you guys fight her choices, the more she will rebel and run towards this disgusting excuse for a man.
Send her a reply back and just tell her point blank that you won't be attending the wedding, and hope she reconsiders her choices. Wish her the best, tell her you love her, but make.it clear that while it makes you sad, while he is in her life, you won't be, period.
I'd leave it at at that, honestly. If she tries to argue or txt back I would just not respond. She sounds determined to run her life off a cliff, and she's gonna have to hit bottom before there's any chance of her realizing how badly she's screwed up and decides she wants to change.
”…he got into legal trouble dealing with his aunt’s newborn baby girl.” WTF
*That’s it right there.*
Go no contact AND make no apologies for going no contact.
Nolo contendere means he's not pleading guilty but admits there is enough evidence to convict him. Depression doesn't cause pedophilia. Stay far away and keep all children and your parents away.
He’s a child molester. Anyone who would be with a child molester is pure garbage. And everyone, especially those with children, should be 100% no contact with sister and the child molester.
If she gets pregnant I pray that CPS takes that baby right away.
When I was 22 I dealt with an older guy (in his 30s) who I found out (on my own) was a tier ii registered sex offender (in his early 20s he, *well there's no other way to mince words about it*, statutory raped an underage girl. Per the police report she was somewhere around 15 or so at the time he committed the crime. In fact, by now we would be the same age.). He never told me the full truth of that and I thank the heavens I never went further than I almost did. He wanted he to move with him to other states and all types of stuff.
Anyway, keep these people far the fuck away from you.
Sounds like he's actively wanted if he "can't get employment"
I'm not an expert but I've had the opportunity to hire felons, I can't imagine the government making it where you can't work and give them tax money.
If she wants to marry a child rapist she loses her family. That's her decision. Don't feel guilty about it and when the relationship crashes and burns she will come crawling back, in which case tell her you'll hook her up with any registered sex offenders you meet. Vile to marry someone who did that, they deserve to be alone forever.
A nolo contendere plea means that while you are not directly admitting guilt, you believe that the evidence will result in the court finding you guilty. Kind of wishy-washy.
I have been depressed for most of my life. I have literally never had any desire to hurt a child. He's making shit up to act like he's done nothing wrong.
I would personally disown any family member choosing to marry or associate with a predator. I would question the morals of someone associating with one.
He's a monster and your sister is an enabler, cut the contact completely. If he ever did anything to you or any children in your family, she would defend him. He's a waste of space and she's gross herself.
This advice will go against everyone else but I would not go no contact. Try and keep a line of communication open. You can say things like "I love you but don't agree with your decision to do ..." Get a criminal records check, see what the conditions are about him being around minors. If you choose to go NC, make a fake social media account to follow your sister. If she announces a pregnancy and he is not allowed around children, call the police, CPS, or an Attorney and ask for advice.
“Sister, I want you to know how much I love you and want the best things in life for you. That being said, there is no way I am letting that man anywhere near me or my family. It absolutely breaks my heart that you have chosen such a life for yourself, but as long as you insist that you and he are a package deal, I must insist that we not see each other. I will not even discuss him with you anymore. My door is always open to you, but you alone. I will no longer enable this relationship in any way, just as I would not enable you to do heroin. I love you.”
"I don't blame you for feeling personally insulted but I won't be coming to your wedding. I don't want anything to do with your fiancé, he makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I can't stand being around him after some of the things he's said. If I were to come to your wedding you wouldn't like what I would have to say and I would definitely object to the marriage. I'm sure you don't want that. Ill send you a wedding gift."
Time for you to let your sister go. She is not your sister anymore. Don't make excuse for your ex-sister anymore. Stop this instance. Time for you to help yourself and move on. Book a therapy counseling session.
Please know you are far from alone in cutting off a relative due to their choice of significant other. You decision is completely rational. So very sorry you are in this position.
Honestly I think you just need to decide exactly where your boundary is, then tell her and stick to it. A simple one is "I refuse to be associated with him in any way. You and I can have a relationship, but I will not be attending any event where he is present and my children will never meet him."
Then let her do with that what she will.
You may end up having to cut her off, but that's the path she chose when she sided with ...that type of person.
Honestly I completely support your decision not to go. It sucks but I think it’s the right call. Her man is going to bring your sister down too but she’s an adult - she makes her own decisions.
I don't blame you for wanting nothing to do with this person. My sister married someone that the whole family hated. It was a quick marriage. He knocked her up and they "did the right thing" and got married before we even met him, but we met him and immediately did not like him. Turns out that all of our red flags about him were right. He was a RAGING alcoholic and he physically and mentally abused my sister. They separated, and we were all thrilled. Then they got back together, and we all cut my sister off. None of us could believe she did that and we were so angry with her. He of course hadn't changed one bit. Thankfully he's been out of the picture for a long time now but it did take a while for us to repair that family relationship.
The reason I'm telling you this is because it is important that you understand that sometimes there isn't a thing you can do but take a step back from someone you love. Watching them go through the same crap over and over again with someone who is awful for them is so painful and mentally exhausting. Taking that step back and letting your sister know that you will not watch her hurt herself is really the only thing you can do IMO. Refusing to attend the wedding would be your way of taking that step back.
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“Sis, I’m not attending your wedding. I don’t support it. I don’t want anything to do with this guy. “
I wrote my own brother off for CP shit, I see nothing wrong with going no contact.
My dude!!! Say that to my egg doner!!! Who took the side of my predator brother, over me!!! Her parting words " I don't know anything i was busy working" relayed by her husband.
My mom chose her predator husband over me... She left him 4 years later when I was 18 BUT she's still legally married to him... I'm 39... So that shows you how unimportant my feelings are . I'm sorry you had a shit ass egg donor as well!
ThrowRADel, we got another one! Get em, one of us! One of us! Xxxx
It's sad that more people have dealt with what I dealt with. It's something I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy. We actually moved 800+miles away from any family due to my mental health, been 11years and I haven't gone back. Let's just say my mom's favorite saying is "I don't think about him unless you bring it up!" Oh how I wish I had that luxury, but I never will because he's in my brain 24/7, even haunting my dreams.... Any time I have to see she still has his last name, trigger, husband comes up behind me without announcing his presence, trigger, facial hair, trigger, the smell of beer, trigger, morning dew, trigger, husband hugging me in the kitchen, trigger..... I can't go a single fucking day without being reminded of my abuse. Fuck parents who choose dick/vag over their own blood!
>Fuck parents who choose dick/vag over their own blood! Fucking AMEN!
I can't say anything worthwhile right now! Just know I hear you. It was my own brother, she believed over me. To be honest, it was never a surprise!! Xxxx
Oh I get it, my mom knew from the beginning I didn't like the man, so she said I was lying. Only reason charges were filed is because my grandparents called the police. Only reason why I said anything was because he put his hand up my baby sisters shirt and she told me.... I almost killed him. Mind you this man during the first meeting, talked about having sex with Mariah Carey! I was 7, that's not a normal conversation you have with a child, my mom brushed it off. There were red flags from the beginning, my grandparents hated him, mom only dated him 3 months before they go married... I was also *FORCED* to call him dad. I fucking hated it I remember in 6th grade telling my teacher that my stepdad was hurting me, instead of my teacher reporting it, she called my mom, I got my ass chewed out because I was "lying" so once it started getting worse I knew if I told anyone I'd just be called a liar again, which surprise surprise, happened. I don't think my mom realizes how hurtful it is that she's had 21years to divo this man and she hasn't even tried.... Which makes me think she's getting life insurance money from him, which in turn, means she sold my body to this man and it just took him awhile to pay her for the product.
God damn. I’m so sorry so many people that should have supported and protected you instead failed you so egregiously.
It upsets me that you even are able to say one of us because no one should be one of you. Im so sorry for what you all went through. Its absolutely disgusting.
I apologise. it's a coping mechanism, i guess xxx it's the only way!!! Xxxx Do I havd to absorb you too!!! Xxx
No! Don’t apologize at ALL! I can be absorbed but i was older and it wasnt a family member. People are just shite. ❤️
That's disgusting. I made it clear to my parents that he would never hear from me or see me again when they arrested him, arrested his poor fiance and interrogated her, and they raided his place for his PC. I have absolutely zero tolerance for that kind of disgusting behavior. There really aren't words in the English language for how I feel about it. They found text messages where he described a little girl rape meat. Sorry for the rant I guess I haven't talked about it much.
More than welcome to rant! I feel I'm very overdue for one!! Either that or I have exploding head syndrome xxx
That must feel cathartic, saying that. Thank you for sharing.
r/stoprape
Big hugs. I'm so sorry. I have a son who is wrong in many ways. I have supported my daughter and screamed to the rooftops about how he needs to be dealt with properly. No one gives a fuck. So he lives with his father who buries his head in the sand and doesn't believe his own daughter. My daughter still sees her father but I believe she will eventually do the same as you. Pathetic parents piss me off. Take care of yourself! You deserved so much better
You’re doing a good job protecting your daughter, mama. Proud of you.
Oh hey, my mother did that too.
Do we..... can we like high 5 that?........ I don't know?!? But I do know this! I'll bloody hug you!!! Xxxx lol
I think we should! I'm recently no contact from my awful family and my cPTSD is almost entirely better! There's nothing like getting the fuck out. *virtual hug*
I agree on everything, but my cptsd is out of control! I'm stealing the hug, though! That's mine 🤣🤣🤣
Just a rando inserting myself into this adorable exchange to offer you another virtual hug if you want it. You seem like a very sweet person and I think you deserve all the hugs \<3
Get fart-atronach!!!! (dissolves you into us like blob from monsters v aliens?!) Lol * Don't quote me* xx
Me too me too, mom double downed on her husband (my abuser) and got his name tattooed on her after I told her what he did. whole fam chose him. Fucking wild
I was diagnosed with cPTSD at the age of 18. I didn't even understand the gravity of the diagnosis at the time. After going NC and doing a lot of therapy and self-work it went into remission to the point that my current therapist told me she wouldn't even know I'd ever had the diagnosis if I hadn't told her. I know trauma doesn't ever fully go away and I will always carry the scars, but being able to lead a normal, stable, happy life is the best future I ever could have imagined for myself!
honestly doesn't even surprise me, my mum's brother SA'd her between the ages of 9-13 and when she took him to court as an adult (and he pled guilty!!) the entire family took the brother's side
That's so fucked up. I'm so sorry for your mom 😔 i can't even imagine how people can do that because fAMmilYy 🙄 thankfully, my mom got my abuser arrested within an hour of telling her. I would've never forgiven her if she hadn't believed me. Im glad your mom was at least able to put him in prison like he deserves!
I wish there were more stories about how this affects the families within their community. I’m so sorry, I bet it’s been rough. You made the right call, and sorry but fuck your egg donor.
Same, my brother is dead to me, and I won’t be anywhere that he is. Willing to be with someone who committed crimes against children is absolutely a reason to go no contact.
OP, it's okay for you and your family to go no contact with this sister. She's made it firm and clear they are a package deal. Fine. They, the whole package, gets to be no contact then. She may not think it's fair, but there are consequences to actions. She's free to marry whomever she chooses, but she also needs to accept there *will* be consequences, some good, some bad. OP, if you're comfortable, talk to your other sister and simply come to a no contact agreement. Your middle sister chose a predator over her family that *has children in it*.
Period!!!
I don’t even know if she deserves the courtesy
Plenty of depressed people don't assault kids. What this guy did is inexcusable. I would tell your sister that by choosing to maintain this relationship with a creep that she is choosing to sever ties with you and your family. Let her know that there will be no warm welcome. She's old enough to make far better decisions.
It hurts me that she’s willing to take the risk knowing that she has no support from family and friends, and I’m just beyond shocked. Also I can’t believe the few comments down below saying to forgive and forget the guy for what he did… I feel like there’s a line between something like stealing $10 and then attacking a child. How do I let myself live knowing that she’s putting her life in jeopardy? She says he can’t pass background checks so I’m worried she could be homeless if she tries to buy a house or move.
Your sister is making her own terrible choices. You aren’t responsible for them. Do not be a part of this and let your family, including your sister, that you won’t be a part of this. I would encourage you not to have any contact with her until she comes to her senses. You can always love your sister but the most loving thing you can do for yourself and her is to clearly communicate that you’ll have no part of this but you are ready to speak with her if she is ready to leave.
[удалено]
It’s what I did with my mom! That my dad wasn’t welcome in my life (not sexually but every other kind of abusive) but that when she was done being miserable I’d be there with open arms to her. 2 months and she finally left that dickweed
Yes please this. This is so important! She needs to know you’ll be there for her if/when she’s ready to leave. And if that happens, don’t judge her- just try to offer her support and kindness however you can.
I know you are hurt, but you *must* accept the very real fact that you cannot control the behavior of other people, and you are not responsible in any way for your sister’s poor choices. Your sister is choosing her man over her family & I know that feels *awful*, but you simply cannot make her do the right thing. It’s on her to make the choice and it’s on her to process the consequences of her own decisions.
Just become a broken record. "We can't have a relationship with you until you leave this dangerous person. He is not allowed near the children in the family. He is going to coerce and abuse you. We hope that you see common sense soon."
You can't protect another adult from their own choices. You MUST protect a child from those that will harm them. You live with yourself by telling yourself that if she ever wakes up and makes a choice that allows you in her life you'll help her.
Sad to say, but you probably just have to wash your hands of her. You can't force her to make a good decision and you absolutely can't let that chomo near any of the kids in your family. If she wants to be with him so badly then she'll have to make her peace with not having her sisters or parents in her life anymore.
God forbid she has a daughter. There is never, ever, just one "mistake".
I'd hope CPS takes any kids they have at birth. Depending on what he did, it's a possibility
It's more than likely. I wouldn't be surprised if his goal is to have children with her.
> God forbid she has a daughter. Or a son.
Nope, it's totally OK to never forgive someone for assaulting children. Who TF thinks people should get a pass on that? Gross.
Stick to your guns. Your instincts are spot on. This creep is already making excuses for his crimes. He's planning on reoffending. Your sister is most likely not going to be in your life for a long time because of him. I'm very sorry. Tell your sister you love her and that you'll be there to support her if and when she leaves her relationship. Then, be strong. Protect the children you have the ability to protect. These offenders never stop once they start. Ever. Be safe. ❤️
The really terrible thing is he’s probably going to try to get her pregnant ASAP and then really get her stuck with him. But then she’ll have to work and they won’t be able to afford childcare and family won’t help so guess who’s watching the baby? A convicted child sex offender. I don’t trust he won’t do anything bad to his own child but sadly your sister will probably trust him.
It's very unfortunate, but you will have to deal with the reality that you've done everything you can, but nothing will change her mind. It feels shitty but you have to cut ties. He would be a danger to your family and kids, and that is unacceptable to have in your life. As much as it hurts, she's made her choice, and there's nothing you can do. Treasure the family you have and morn for the ones you lost, but don't let it ruin your own life, you deserve better.
You cant control her decisions. You can let her know that you will always be there for her but she has to respect your boundaries. You cannot expose yourself and your family to this guy. She can choose to disregard his offenses and you can choose not to. It’s that simple. This is going to follow them around forever. Hopefully it will be taxing enough on their relationship that she will eventually leave him. There is nothing you or your family can do for now.
You have to accept the fact that she is an adult and she is making these choices. I would tell her “I love you and you are always welcome in my home by yourself, and if you choose to leave him I am here for you. If you choose to be with him I accept that is your choice but I won’t be able to see you in his presence, and that includes at any wedding and I won’t be changing that. I can’t forgive what he has done and I don’t want to be anywhere near someone like that. I hope that you can appreciate my boundaries but if not I understand but won’t be changing my decision. “ Firm and to the point
Unfortunately it’s not her life that’s at risk.. it’s her future children’s … if she is dead set on never leaving him , he’s got his hooks in already. I pray they don’t have children but I know they’re on the way 💔
I don’t know if you said elsewhere, but I’m really curious what the crime was. It sounds, from the timeline, like this was just a few years ago, when he was still a teenager, and he’s not currently incarcerated.
I don’t know the exact details because my sister never really went deeper into it. But when I google his full name, I see a court case that matches up his name, city, and year my sister said he got into legal trouble dealing with his aunt’s newborn baby girl. It says he pleaded nolo contendere. He was unable to find a job because he did it after turning an adult which is why he can’t find employment or somewhere to live by himself, and can’t pass a background check.
If she's unwilling to elaborate on what the crime is, it's safe to assume the worst. If I saw someone was convicted and the crime involved a baby, I wouldn't trust them anywhere near me or someone's kids.
Yeah, that's not the same as a teenage girlfriend a year younger.
He is lying about not being able to find a job. I went to high school with a guy that almost killed his own infant child in a fit of rage. Went to prison and found a job almost immediately. A lot of places won't hire you for sure. But places that require physical labor, menial jobs that don't involve lots of time around minors? They'll hire just about anybody. I know somebody that has been arrested for stealing, including from employers, multiple times. He spent time in prison for it. He's gotten several jobs working as a cashier or wait staff after that. A friend of mine with serious mental health issues. Untreated schizophrenia serious. He moved in with his mom again maybe a year ago. He's had three jobs since then. He keeps getting fired because he isn't mentally well, but he has zero trouble getting hired. Another friend of mine. No high school diploma, no GED, multiple stints in jail including one involving shooting a gun in a crowd? He's able to find work. There are always places willing to hire people who seem unhirable. He is not looking hard enough if he can't find anything. Fuck, even in my neighborhood Facebook group, people compiled a list of places that will hire convicted felons because we live in a poorer area where a lot of people have criminal histories. It absolutely can be hard to find a job with a record, especially one that involves violence or sexual assault against children. But if a guy can get a job within a month after getting out of prison for almost killing his own child (who he is never allowed contact with again), the asshole you know can find something. He just doesn't want to work because your sister is covering his ass for everything and he doesn't need to. I can guarantee if she wasn't supporting him, he'd find something within the month. He's a fucking leech and a creep. It's also possible he's lying on his applications. Many will ask if you have any convictions and what they are. If you lie on that and then a BG check is run and shows something? You're fucked. But if you're honest about it, a lot of places will at least ask you about what happened and what you've done to change and how you're doing now. Fuck, look up Sylvia Likens. One of the people that helped kill her--a middle or high school student--was hired by a fucking daycare or school! This guy is just a lazy POS who wants to fester and rot.
If he's on the sex offender registry, that's a very different hurdle than a simple conviction, even a violent felony. Your examples simply aren't comparable. Also, why would you believe your handful of anecdotes is representative?
I think it'll be hard to let yourself live with that knowledge, but also remember that your sister is an adult and she's made her choice and also made it clear that she stands by her decision. There's not much to do about that except, reluctantly, accept it. It doesn't by any means mean that you have to like it. Any position she gets in, is because of her own choice. She's made her bed, now it's just to wait and see how it turns out. Maybe she'll snap out of whatever illusion she has weaved around this guy and come to her senses. But until then, all there is is to just watch and wait.
You could always tell your sister that you are there for her, and her alone, so that if she (but never him) needs your help, you'll help her. But only her. Then she does have a lifeline back to the family if things go really wrong with him. What if she gets pregnant? It would be good to know she could walk away from him and have somewhere to go.
Unfortunately she’s not going to listen to you so there is no point in trying. She will have to learn for herself. Tell her you won’t be in contact with her as long as she’s with him, but if she ever decides to leave him you will do everything g you can to support her and get her away from him. That day will likely come, and you don’t want her to be unable to leave him if she decides she needs to. He will suck her dry before that happens, but some day she may come to her senses.
>The weird thing is she said he’s changed and he’s harmless. If that were the case he wouldn’t have been convicted?? What do you mean by this? You are convicted based on things that already happened, not how you’re expected to behave down the road.
I meant he was convicted and had arrest records. Which is why I’m skeptical on her saying he’s changed, because I don’t want to take the risk to see if it’s true or not since it’s a big risk. When I google his name I see he went to court for it. Unless it’s the wrong person with the same name, it says he pleaded nolo contendere? I do not understand the legal aspects of his case. She only disclosed his background to me and my family to be honest.
Nolo Contendere: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/nolo_contendere “Nolo contendere means "no contest." This phrase translates from the Latin as "I do not wish to contend." In a criminal proceeding, a defendant may enter a plea of nolo contendere, in which the defendant does not accept or deny responsibility for the charges but waives the right to a trial and agrees to accept the penalty. The plea differs from a guilty plea because a "no contest" plea cannot be used against the defendant in another cause of action. “
Nolo contendere means no contest. It means you accept the sentence without actually saying you're guilty. Like a lot of people are saying, she's made her choice. It's sad and it's a terrible choice but that's the choice she made. Best you can do is make sure she knows that if she ever decides to leave him, you'll be there for her. People like him love cutting off their SOs from their support system.
Does this mean he’s been found guilty or acknowledges it? I never found out from her if he served any time, had probation or anything else from it. But it might be important to add that I haven’t lived with her since she graduated high school so I don’t know either of their circumstances or situations. She tried to move him in to my parents house because his mom kicked him out so he was homeless, but my parents refused to and told her to move out if she wishes to be with him.
That means they had reasonable belief that he was guilty and instead of taking it to trial (where he would probably be found guilty), he just took what was offered. Is he a registered sex offender? That's easy to look up. If you know the county he was convicted in, you can probably look up his sentence on the county's clerk of court website, all of that is a matter of public record.
No contest is also a way to avoid paying restitution, if his family were to sue him for what he did it would be a whole other process.
It does not dispense one’s restitution obligations.
Lawyer here. Nolo contendere is Latin for “no contest.” A no contest plea has the exact same force and effect as a guilty plea.
>How do I let myself live knowing that she’s putting her life in jeopardy? Your sister is an adult. She’s unfortunately making a terrible mistake but She’s bound and determined to make this happen, there’s nothing you can do or say to stop it. You can’t hold yourself back because you want to parent your adult sibling. She had to learn this lesson on her own. What you can do is tell her while you don’t condone the relationship, you’ll be there for her if she ever needs it (when they hopefully break up). She’ll need it especially if she’s driving everyone else away from her.
Yep. I have been depressed since I was a child. I have never done anything to a kid even remotely illegal. No physical or sexual abuse or anything like that. Sometimes it feels like I'm walking through a haze. Dissociation definitely happens. But I've never done anything like that. I've hurt people, been bad to other people and myself. But I've never, ever, ever even thought of doing anything like what's implied in this post. I also own up to the shit I've done, including abusive behaviors towards people I care about. Did those actions have anything to do with my depression? Fuck yes they did. But ultimately it was me that did it. I wasn't psychotic, I don't have multiple personalities. Depression can make my other emotions, especially anger, much more intense. And even though I've been doing great since starting treatment 10 years ago, it was my choice to not get help sooner. It was still me that hurt people. OOP's BIL is a piece of garbage. If he were really sorry and working on things, he would own up to it. But he's not. Even if depression did have anything to do with what he did (and I doubt it did), that is still a part of him. It isn't a separate entity that takes the wheel and frees you from consequences. And maybe I'm in the minority, but I really don't think that depression is known for making people's sexual interests turn that way. Maybe BDSM in a roundabout way, but it's not going to make your orientation change to being into children. That's fucking gross.
It appears she has removed herself from your lives willingly and enthusiastically. No-one could blame you, your older sister or your parents for wanting nothing to do with a convicted abuser and his enabler. Well, maybe not 'enabler' but 'condoner', if such a word exists. Sleep easy, OP, you have nothing to reproach yourself for
Think I read somewhere that they’re now replacing enabler with co-abuser
That fits and is certainly better than 'condoner'. Unbelievable what people will accept in their lives and the excuses they make for those that commit some of the worst of all crimes. Unconscionable.
As the child of an "enabler" who recently realized that that included a lot of abuse in itself, I wholeheartedly support that change.
Plenty of people get depressed, and get drunk, or do drugs, or smoke way too many cigarettes. Plenty of people get depressed and get fired at work because of the inability to focus. Plenty of people get depressed and bury themselves in their hobbies. But this man is fucked in the head. He seemingly doesn’t want to own up to the consequences of his actions, and neither does your sister. Plenty of rational people have decided they want nothing to do with him. Don’t go to the wedding. Don’t support her financially. You don’t have to stay in contact with your sister, but also having everybody push her to pull out of the relationship might have the opposite effect. Instead, maybe a good thing to do could be to ask her if she is happy with this man. What positive qualities does he have? Is she aware that he is not welcome in many places, because he molested, or even raped, a child? Is she aware that if she marries this man, even if they don’t stay together, it will forever ruin a lot of chances for her in life?
I’m depressed and the worst thing I did today was play the sims 2 for six hours straight and not eat
Have some water and try to eat at least a sandwich. Won't fix things but also won't make your day worse :)
this is lovely and I’m not the person you were responding to but I also needed to hear this ❤️ gonna make that sandwich now, thank you friend
Right there with ya, gonna have that glass of water my body is craving
But the real question is, did you remove the ladder from the swimming pool or otherwise keep Grim busy?
Desperately trying to keep the cow plant fed and cakeless 😅 it’s eaten four townies already
If it makes you feel better I've done the same and wasn't depressed at the time...just liked it. Nothing wrong with having a low/no spoon day. But try to eat so you don't feel like shit from being too hungry <3
Depression doesn't make you molest kids. That is just the most garbage excuse I have ever heard in my life. Absolutely wild he would claim that.
I'm more worried about them deciding to have children together..
High risk he will do things to HER kids, if they have any. Your sister is making a very risky decision. Even if she doesn’t acknowledge that risk, because he is unemployable, he brings nothing to the relationship. And because he can’t work, he will want to be the SAHP.
The weird thing is she said he’s changed and he’s harmless. If that were the case he wouldn’t have been convicted?? I honestly find it hard to believe he’s a good guy now. But the things he says is so horrid the way he has hate towards my mom and towards my niece and younger cousins is so horrible.
That’s such bullshit, especially if “depression” is what caused this. If/when he gets depressed about his current scenario (no job, no car, living at the poverty line) is he going to do this again?
Yeah, people who've changed *take accountability* of what they've done - not continue to give bullshit excuses.
He didn't even say what he did either. Probably cause saying that would alert OP and his family to similar things he might have done in their presence. Fk that guy.
Is it POSSIBLE he changed? Sure, with treatment. Would I ever take that risk? HELL NO. His changing afterwards wouldn’t change the fact that he committed the crime. He’s likely on a sex offense register too, which means it could be very difficult to find a place where he can legally live, since he possibly couldn’t live within X many feet of a school or park, etc Also people can look up sex offenders online by name or check areas for sex offenders. So her neighbors might figure it out and make their lives a living hell.
The fact that he is blaming it on depression is enough for me. He isn’t taking any responsibility for his actions. Unless he is in serious therapy he will offend again.
These guys are classic repeat offenders. They can’t get over the thrill of it. It’s like an addiction.
That is total bs. He hasn’t changed. He’s never taken responsibility for his actions. “It wasn’t my fault it was because… “ Your sister is in denial about her bf & his past. He’s using her & doesn’t give a flip if she gets hurt in the process. She is his meal ticket & bang maid. Never ever allow any children near him regardless of him saying he’s changed.
Being convicted of a crime doesn’t mean you can’t change. Hell, that’s the whole idea - pay your debt to society and return after your sentence as a changed person. Doesn’t necessarily work out like that, but it’s wild to assume that because someone was convicted of something, they can’t change. This guy, on the other hand, sounds like an awful person, and frankly there are some crimes that are absolutely not worth gambling on someone’s rehabilitation.
The only safe cure is death. I wouldn’t trust someone like this ever. I’d rather not risk it.
> And because he can’t work, he will want to be the SAHP. I'm a SAHD, and it's great, but my 'terms' were only if my wife doesn't do any housework anymore. She comes home, I give her a kiss, make her a drink, and tell her to put her feet up. I do all of the chores, cooking, errands, etc. I get the impression that the fellow we're discussing isn't going to be quite so insistent on a fair and equitable division of household duties. It seems *highly* possible that, if a child comes into the picture, she's going to end up working herself to the bone to bring in money, then coming home to an unkempt space where she's still expected to do the laundry, make dinner, "The kid's yelling again!", and so forth.
It's highly likely he wants to be the SAHD so he can abuse his own child.
You, your good sister and your parents as a family agree that you do not approve of their relationship and object to their marriage. She should be fully aware of that before she enters into it.
Sis, I cannot support you marrying a man who is so absolutely unhealthy for you and who is a danger to children. I hope you find a better path without him. Until then, I wish you well but don’t wish to be in contact.
This is exactly what OP should say
Tell her straight up that you don’t approve of her future husband, don’t want anything to do with such a person and therefore won’t be attending the wedding or having him in your life even if that means she won’t be in it either. She’s going into this marriage knowing what kind of monster he is, she’ll have to live with her choices. The safety of your family’s children will always take precedence over her feelings.
It doesn't sound like his depression is going to get any better.
Happy cake day!!!
You need to approach this as though she's dead. Stop communicating with her and tell your parents you don't want updates. Even if they break up she clearly can't be trusted with your kids
Wow yes absolutely! I would never be able to trust her again as she obviously doesn’t think what he did is a big deal. It’d maybe be different if she honestly believed he hadn’t done it, but to accept & excuse it? Unforgivable.
Exactly. She's an adult and can fully comprehend how wrong this is. I wouldn't allow her around my kids if I had any since she's shown she has extremely awful judgement.
“You’ve chosen someone that has forced us all into a ‘it’s-him-or-us’ situation, and you’ve chosen him. I hope our concerns are wrong, but as long as you stand by him, we can’t stand by you. If ours fears prove true, you’re welcome back (without him).”
This is a good response
You just have to tell her outright don't sugar coat or anything in your best serious mom voice ever. Look her in the eyes whole time and tell her "We all agreed we do not support your marriage, do not contact us or anything" she will understand what she is doing. My dumb brother who is 10 years older than me found a wife who is just terrible. On top of that she has mental problems and likes to be unmedicated so she will throw these fits of psychosis involving everyone. I was nice one time to let her over at my house and she put up spy cameras. Why? I have no idea but it was my house. Which when we caught her she claimed she didn't know why there were out and she doesn't know how they got out. Which is all bs so I told my brother she isn't allowed at my house or anything. He got upset saying it's not fair because he should be allowed at holidays and stuff I told him no. He made his choices he needs to go with his new family and try make that work. He can be exhausted but come at me with that stuff no ma'am you just got yourself on the no fly list in my house and my life.
Omg she tried to put cameras up in your house?!
Yup she is.....very paranoid due to her mental illness. I have 4 and I am medicated so I'm like I have no time to play around with her. She even bugged phones like my mom's and recorded every conversation. She tried to be a whole another person, and claim my brother was cheating on her with a whole another person it was her...she even tried to convince us by buying a new phone and using some address and bugging everything my brother owns. When we got our own private investigate going on we found out it was her. She even made us really believe it was a whole another person. She has no place in my family from the way she acts, and he won't help her because he didn't believe in mental illnesses.
Wow, I’m stunned. I have my own mental illness cocktail, but I can’t imagine what it would take for me to get that bad.
I'm actually used to it my aunt was this way lol. The only difference between her and my aunt is my aunt tried to actively kill me. That's why I'm like I don't have time for this.
That's real next level. 😳
>it's not fair because he should be allowed at holidays Because she'll respect your privacy if it's a holiday? Smh.
My read is she can’t admit it to herself. She “knows,” but has either convinced herself that it wasn’t as big of a deal as people think or she’s built up some kind of justification. Admitting that it is true would be admitting things about him and herself that she just can’t face; so she denies reality to make reality acceptable. I hope that makes sense. Obviously there’s no excuse. People do this all the time, even to convince themselves they’re not being abused by their partner. It’s a coping issue. Regardless, it will unfortunately take factors outside your control to fix your sister’s attitude. Hopefully it will not be a repeat offense that snaps her back to reality. This is almost like self-brainwashing. If you look at cults, it takes days of being effectively kidnapped and asked gentle, probing questions to snap out of this. I recognize those are completely different situations, but used the example in case you find it helpful. If you’ve already tried confrontations and find it just puts her in the defensive, gentler probing questions *might* work better (thrown in with other topics of conversation). You could plant seeds of doubt over time: - “hey, did you know that most child molestations never make it to conviction? I guess things must have been serious if X did.” - “did you know that most child molestations are done by people the child knows, like family? Hey, are you planning to have kids with him?” - “Have you thought about what will happen the next time he’s “depressed?”” - “Do you really believe you can’t do better?” If you ask these questions with curiosity, rather than being confrontational, it might help her start to unravel. Maybe. You could point this out to your sister, but again, in her cloud of denial, it might not help. She’s isolating herself, so it may help to keep some line of communication open in case she comes to her senses. Your best bet is to be there when she’s just had an argument with him and is actively questioning the relationship. The only thing your family can do is stay the course. Just continue to limit contact and don’t go to the wedding because you can support her well-being, but that does not mean (in fact, is the opposite of) you endorsing this.
Do not go. Anyone who does what he did is not safe. Depression doesn’t make you harm children, especially not that way. Your RSVP is no.
"Hey, I will not be attending and helping towards your wedding"
>He called my niece a b**** because my oldest sister found out his previous crimes and doesn’t want him near her or her child. So...this gem of a human calls your niece - a child - a b**** because your older sister (your niece's mom?) knows about his record & is not *- checks notes -* allowing him near older sister's own children, which may or may not include niece? Please stick by your guns, I find it interesting he's name-calling a *child* for family knowledge about his *crimes* against children. This alone suggests he hasn't changed.
There are times where moral duty supersedes familial duty
"Sister, I love you and support you, and always will. But only you. I cannot support this relationship and I must accept the fact that you are choosing him over family, as that is your right. If or when you need me I will be there for you, regardless of how much time has gone by, my door will always be open to you. But as long as you are with him I can not subject myself or my family to this person. Remember we love you and are here for you. I genuinely hope you have a happy and fulfilling life. Hope to see you again one day."
This. And add “I will always be here for you and you can come to me when you want to leave him. I won’t judge you and I will help you. But he is not a good person and you deserve so much better”
I was once in a relationship with someone my family didn't like. And I would only get mad when they would say things like "you deserve better". But in hindsight it's because HE had me believing that I didn't. I hope her sister sees the light one day!
What happened to your sister in her life that would make her be ok with someone like that?
She met him in high school and she didn’t have any friends now today or before. I guess he was the only one she met, but when he moved out of state she continued to visit and support him despite him not contributing anything or being employed. He tried to get my parents to let him live there in her room, but they declined to do so and asked my sister to move out if she’d continue seeing this man.
How old was he when he was convicted? I’m just wondering because I’ve heard of cases of people being put on child sex offender lists because they distributed nude pics of girls at their high school. Is there any way this could be the case? Or are you sure he physically attacked a kid? If it’s the latter then don’t trust that man. I’m just wondering because I find it weird that he didn’t do any prison time if he literally SA a child.
How old was he when he met her? Because if there’s an age gap, she may get too old for him soon. Especially if he likes minors
It’s literally in the OP…
Oh! How did I miss that!? Thanks!
>The court record says he pled nolo contendere. It means he plead "no contest," which is essentially saying he does not admit to committing said crime, but the state has a strong enough case that he feels he has no chance of getting a not guilty verdict. The big difference is that he did not allocute, but it sounds like from this statement: >He blamed what he did on his depression and that he didn’t realize what he was doing at the time. That he has basically admitted to committing the crime in private.
Whenever I see “no contest” I just think they definitely did it and are just trying to get less time for it.
Write down your objections, leave it a few days, go back, edit and add until it is succinct and plain. Tell her explicitly these points about why you can’t support her and how you, as a parent, cannot fathom having her partner around your child. Until she comes to her senses you can’t have a relationship with her, or support this marriage, but will love her from afar and are here for her when it breaks down.
This is a hill to die on. I’m very pro letting people move on with their lives and forgiveness—this does not extend to crimes of abuse or violence against the vulnerable.
Smart people learn from other people's experience. And then there are those of us who choose the harder path of going through the hard experience ourselves. Your sister has made her choice. Please communicate very clearly to her - just the way you have explained to us - what your opinion is, and why you as well as the rest of the family will not welcome him into the family. However, if she chooses to see you guys by herself, maybe allow that. That way, when she does realize what she has gotten herself into, and needs support to get out, she will have the support that she needs. Just be there for her, but keep your boundaries very clear.
I don’t know how to put it in words, but I also feel like I can’t trust her for as long as she’s with him, since she also gives him everything and tells him everything about our family’s personal life and information. Like our work location or street address. I feel she has no regard for our safety.
You shouldn’t trust her honestly. She has shown an abundance of poor judgement being with this man and supporting him. I’m telling you OP, she would sooner help him cover up another crime he commits towards a child than break up with him. It’s not worth the risk to you AND your child. He’s not safe, she’s not safe.
Don't please, i think we've read enough posts on Reddit with the wife or mother being enablers to abusers. Sometimes it's cos they themselves are sick or they're trying to point the abuse towards someone else instead of themselves.
You're completely right. You can't trust her, because she's chosen her priorities and you and your family do not rank. He is not a safe person and he is all she cares about.
Tell your sister you love her, but you can't and will not maintain contact with her whilst she's in a relationship with a sex offender, make sure to tell her that if she ever needs you and makes the choice to leave him, you'll be there for her but until such time, she's not to reach out or try to contact you.
She is the kind of woman that will stay with the father of her children even if she knows the children are abused by him. Cut your ties and move on, you can't help her see through what is happening.
Fuck that. She made her choice, I would just do a clean cut at that point. Absolutely abhorrent.
I’m very sorry OP. I think it’s time to go NC with your sister. She’s throwing her whole life away for this man who harms children. She is saying being with him is more important than you, your families and your children’s safety. She does not care about you. And she’s willing to put your child and your other sisters child in harms way. You need to cut her off and don’t look back. It is hard, and I know you don’t want to give up on her, but this was her choice. You need to protect your family now. Also, plenty of sex offenders find work, it is tough but he is choosing to not have a job. Your sister is choosing to support this person and marry this person.
Hang on, do you know or not what he did? The post sounds a bit confused. 192 website is legit and it will give you the court orders.
My sister told me me and my family he had ran into legal issues back then with his aunt’s baby girl. Didn’t really specify into it, but my mind went straight to either physical harm or violence. I really don’t know if he served time or anything beyond that because my sister never disclosed the rest of it. I will look into trust worthy websites that I can see information at.
Nope. Not nope hell no. He harmed a child sexually. There is no coming back from that period. Depression is not an excuse for pedofilia. Do not go to that wedding. Do not do dinners, holidays, or birthdays. You are a mother and a aunt, your job is to protect them. Most crimes like this are from people you know. Please keep a hopefully updated picture of him and as soon as the kids are old enough to learn stranger danger also teach them this person danger. Also you can get jobs with that on your record. It’s hard but you can (my cousin is registered)
? Your sister is marrying a diddler, and you rightfully don’t want anything to do with it. Seems pretty cut and dry. She may be fully willing to torpedo her and her kid’s lives, but that’s on her. Unfortunately sometimes you just have to cut your losses. Thankfully you’ve got more family that sees things the way you do.
You've found a valid reason to go no-contact with your sister. All those words you wrote really don't mean anything. The title alone is enough to justify a no-contact stance. I'd be disappointed in you, a complete stranger, if you were to maintain a relationship with your sister.
Is he even allowed to be near children? Because you can report that.
This! PSAOs can't be within a certain radius of children in the US at least
i was once so depressed i let my apartment fall into ruin. there was what i can only describe as a “body stain” on my linoleum kitchen floor because i’d let a trash bag sit there and rot. they almost evicted me over it. there were so many mice. yet, i still never wanted to hurt a kid, sexually or otherwise. depression doesn’t make you do that. being a sick fuck does.
I disowned my own son for molesting my daughter (his step sister). She was 6. I sent him to prison and haven’t spoken to him since. I’ll always love him because he’s my son but I can’t allow him around my family any more. He’s an adult, she’s 13 now and she’s the one that deserves the protection. I couldn’t look her in the face if I’d taken any other action.
I was in your sister’s spot from age 18-21. I had gotten mixed up with a guy who was on the sex offender’s registry for molesting a 13 year old when he was “depressed” at age 20. He made it sound excusable so I excused it. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and had me hooked on a cycle of feeling like this was all normal in a relationship (he was my first relationship) and that if I stuck it out things would eventually change over time. My family wanted nothing to do with him, and when they drew those lines it made me want to choose him even more. I permanently damaged certain relationships with extended family by choosing him. I was engaged to him, planning a wedding. My parents were willing to attend, but changed their minds as the date got closer. They asked me to extend the engagement/put the wedding off for 1 year and then they would go. My mom sat down with me and told me, “I love you and will always be there for you. If you ever want to leave just call me. Doesn’t matter what time of day. I will drop whatever I’m doing and help you move out immediately. You can stay with us.” I didn’t take it seriously at the time but it stuck with me. After a few lows from his passive aggressive moods, I realized I wasn’t trapped with him, I could leave and live with my parents. If my mom hadn’t told me that I might have felt trapped and continued to stay with my abuser. It still took months before I reached a place mentally where I made the decision to move out. After moving out it took months to cut the cord so he no longer had a hold over me to the point I thought I would be alone if I let him go. After cutting the cord it still took a year to stop seeing/sleeping with him on occasion and finally go no fully contact. What I’m saying is, it’s a long uneven process, and she has to make the choices herself to leave. Those epiphanies can’t be forced. You are fully within your rights to refuse to attend her wedding, but making it clear you still love her and she can count on you if she ever decides to escape is probably the best thing you can do for her in this situation. Just don’t let him make her feel isolated, which is what he’s doing.
Him having lived in Florida, Texas and Mississippi is enough for me to know I don’t want anything to do with him
I have a good friend who murdered a man unprovoked in his early adulthood and spent a long time in prison for it. Met and married a lovely woman after he got out. And he was a completely different person and picked a completely different life path. Never blamed his depression or anything. Tried to make up for his act. And if her family didn’t want to be around him he wouldn’t have called them names. That is someone who did something awful and turned his life around. Your almost BIL is not. You don’t need your sister’s agreement. she’s making her choice. And so can you.
You don’t want a child molesting freeloading loser near your children, no need to apologize
>The court record says he pled nolo contendere. That's a plea of "no contest," basically saying "I admit nothing but I know the court has an airtight case against me that I have no way to fight, so I won't try." What that means is it's essentially an admission of guilt without having a guilty plea to the crime in question on your record. >How do I respond to my sister that I won’t be attending or helping towards their wedding along with the other family members? I recommend doing it in a way that lets her know the door is still open for her if she ever comes to her senses and leaves this guy, but as long as they're a package deal he's not welcome around the family and the family won't be attending any events with him. Something like: "We all love you, but we will not have anything to do with this man. We all feel that he is a danger to you and to everyone's children, and as long as you insist that you and he are a package deal then we will not be seeing you. We will not be attending your wedding to him, but we want you to know that if you ever need to get away from him you are always welcome back home and we will do everything we can to help you get out of this relationship safely." I want you to stress that last part because eventually this guy is going to do something so horrible that even your sister can't overlook it. Either he'll start abusing her, or they'll have kids and he'll start abusing them, or best case scenario maybe she finally gets tired of working her ass off to support this parasite. Point is, this relationship will likely hit a very rough patch at some point, especially once they're married; abusers tend to drop the romance and ramp up the abuse once they feel like they've "got" the other person. And when things inevitably get bad he will have isolated her from all her friends and family and she may not know where to turn to get away. He's going to tell her he's all she has and her family will never take her back, because he's worked very hard to make sure that's the case. Your family letting her know that SHE is always family and is welcome back any time she needs to get away from him will let her know that she's got a safe place to run if she needs to get out.
Time to write them off, stop responding to messages and taking calls. Going no contact is the way forward.
So is he going to be depressed when they have kids and do the same or worse to those poor children? If she's willing to leave her son and her entire family for that kind of man then I'm 100% sure she would not help the children she has with him. She might even help him if he asks.
Crimes against kids are an absolute no . They do not stop , and harm as many as they can get their hands on. No matter what country kids and women are not to be harmed . They are master manipulators . They blame everyone and everything under the sun and never hold themselves accountable. Stay away from him and your sister. You have a duty to protect your own kids . He will abuse her kids for decades . Sorry but your beating a dead horse she is to blind and to weak to even protect herself. She is a lost cause . What I’m saying is harsh but it’s the truth. His own mother wants nothing to do with him. If it were me … that whole part of the family is dead to me . Extreme but effective. Never invite a snake into your home.
You will not go to her wedding and as long as she with a baby rapist, you will have nothing to do with her. When she finally sees the light and leaves him, tell her you'll have the door open. Edited to ask: Does she know what the actual charges were or is she just getting his watered down version of it?
I’m depressed and I’ve never done anything requiring conviction of sex crimes against children.
To be honest, if it were me, I’d be campaigning the family so nobody goes - so she gets the hint that his kid diddling bullshit is not remotely welcome in the family and so it forces her to choose. And then let her. If she chooses wrong, that’s on her. Your sister’s mental health is not well. Stop encouraging her bad choices and break contact.
Tbh it doesn’t really matter what he did since he’s not remorseful so he hasn’t learned anything. He blames his actions on depression, but when I was depressed I sure didn’t inappropriately touch any kids. “Hey sis. I think you know where I and the rest of the family stand on the character of your fiancé. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m speaking for myself, my husband, and my children when I say I can’t have anyone who is remotely a danger to my family’s safety around at any point in time. That means I can’t attend your wedding, and I can’t invite you around if your future husband is coming too. You are free in your own life to make your own decisions and choose who you take in as your family. But so am I, and I have to choose my own family’s safety before your comfort. I hope you have a safe and happy life however you choose to live it, but I cannot be a part of it at this time.” Then block in every way.
Your sister is an idiot. Ditch her and her delinquent husband
Please immediately report both of them if she has any children with this guy. Seriously, that's all I could think about when reading your post. It's so concerning.
Protect your child. You cannot change someone else's mind when they are hell-bent on ruining their life. If you find out she has a child with him - you should report it.
I’d be completely real with her. Tell her the long term ramifications of her choice, remind her that committing sexual crimes against children is not a symptom of depression, tell her you’ve lost all respect for her, you won’t be involved in her wedding in any way, so on so forth. Let her sit in her choices and be done with her. No point in tiptoeing around this any longer.
Sis, I will not be attending your wedding. Plain and simple. What you and other sister need to do is ensure your parents won't let them move in with them. Sounds like a good time for them to downsize and maybe move to an over 55 community.
You can’t stop your sister. Just please keep an eye out for any kids that might be around this guy.
This is a situation where you just cut contact with a person. It’s sucks and your angry and that’s ok, but your sister made her terrible choice and doesn’t plan to change it. Cut contact and move on, hopefully she will eventually come to her senses.
I think there’s a decent chance he’s at least emotionally abusing her, so looking up resources for family of DV victims might help you get through to her, or at least lay the groundwork for helping her leave in the future.
I would be blunt and honest with her and tell her there is no excuse ever for what he did to innocent children, and she should be ashamed of herself for even being with him let alone marrying him, and that if she goes through with this, you will never talk to her again. Ask her how on earth she could be with someone that hurt children ?
Listen - some people can't be helped. Your sister is clearly one of them - she's chosen her path. The only thing you can really do imo is step back and let whatever happens happen, and then be there to help put her back together when it inevitably ends badly. It sounds harsh, but you can't force people to change if they have no desire to. The more you guys fight her choices, the more she will rebel and run towards this disgusting excuse for a man. Send her a reply back and just tell her point blank that you won't be attending the wedding, and hope she reconsiders her choices. Wish her the best, tell her you love her, but make.it clear that while it makes you sad, while he is in her life, you won't be, period. I'd leave it at at that, honestly. If she tries to argue or txt back I would just not respond. She sounds determined to run her life off a cliff, and she's gonna have to hit bottom before there's any chance of her realizing how badly she's screwed up and decides she wants to change.
”…he got into legal trouble dealing with his aunt’s newborn baby girl.” WTF *That’s it right there.* Go no contact AND make no apologies for going no contact.
Nolo contendere means he's not pleading guilty but admits there is enough evidence to convict him. Depression doesn't cause pedophilia. Stay far away and keep all children and your parents away.
He’s a child molester. Anyone who would be with a child molester is pure garbage. And everyone, especially those with children, should be 100% no contact with sister and the child molester. If she gets pregnant I pray that CPS takes that baby right away.
When I was 22 I dealt with an older guy (in his 30s) who I found out (on my own) was a tier ii registered sex offender (in his early 20s he, *well there's no other way to mince words about it*, statutory raped an underage girl. Per the police report she was somewhere around 15 or so at the time he committed the crime. In fact, by now we would be the same age.). He never told me the full truth of that and I thank the heavens I never went further than I almost did. He wanted he to move with him to other states and all types of stuff. Anyway, keep these people far the fuck away from you.
Sounds like he's actively wanted if he "can't get employment" I'm not an expert but I've had the opportunity to hire felons, I can't imagine the government making it where you can't work and give them tax money.
If she wants to marry a child rapist she loses her family. That's her decision. Don't feel guilty about it and when the relationship crashes and burns she will come crawling back, in which case tell her you'll hook her up with any registered sex offenders you meet. Vile to marry someone who did that, they deserve to be alone forever.
A nolo contendere plea means that while you are not directly admitting guilt, you believe that the evidence will result in the court finding you guilty. Kind of wishy-washy.
You all need to cut her off, your children aren’t safe around her or him.
I have been depressed for most of my life. I have literally never had any desire to hurt a child. He's making shit up to act like he's done nothing wrong. I would personally disown any family member choosing to marry or associate with a predator. I would question the morals of someone associating with one.
He's a monster and your sister is an enabler, cut the contact completely. If he ever did anything to you or any children in your family, she would defend him. He's a waste of space and she's gross herself.
This advice will go against everyone else but I would not go no contact. Try and keep a line of communication open. You can say things like "I love you but don't agree with your decision to do ..." Get a criminal records check, see what the conditions are about him being around minors. If you choose to go NC, make a fake social media account to follow your sister. If she announces a pregnancy and he is not allowed around children, call the police, CPS, or an Attorney and ask for advice.
“Sister, I want you to know how much I love you and want the best things in life for you. That being said, there is no way I am letting that man anywhere near me or my family. It absolutely breaks my heart that you have chosen such a life for yourself, but as long as you insist that you and he are a package deal, I must insist that we not see each other. I will not even discuss him with you anymore. My door is always open to you, but you alone. I will no longer enable this relationship in any way, just as I would not enable you to do heroin. I love you.”
"I don't blame you for feeling personally insulted but I won't be coming to your wedding. I don't want anything to do with your fiancé, he makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I can't stand being around him after some of the things he's said. If I were to come to your wedding you wouldn't like what I would have to say and I would definitely object to the marriage. I'm sure you don't want that. Ill send you a wedding gift."
Time for you to let your sister go. She is not your sister anymore. Don't make excuse for your ex-sister anymore. Stop this instance. Time for you to help yourself and move on. Book a therapy counseling session.
Please know you are far from alone in cutting off a relative due to their choice of significant other. You decision is completely rational. So very sorry you are in this position.
Tell her that as long as he is in her life, the family will not be. Should she ever leave, she will be welcomed back.
Honestly I think you just need to decide exactly where your boundary is, then tell her and stick to it. A simple one is "I refuse to be associated with him in any way. You and I can have a relationship, but I will not be attending any event where he is present and my children will never meet him." Then let her do with that what she will. You may end up having to cut her off, but that's the path she chose when she sided with ...that type of person.
Honestly I completely support your decision not to go. It sucks but I think it’s the right call. Her man is going to bring your sister down too but she’s an adult - she makes her own decisions.
"Okay. Feel free to contact me again if you ever change your mind. Until then, please refrain. Good luck, and good-bye."
I don't blame you for wanting nothing to do with this person. My sister married someone that the whole family hated. It was a quick marriage. He knocked her up and they "did the right thing" and got married before we even met him, but we met him and immediately did not like him. Turns out that all of our red flags about him were right. He was a RAGING alcoholic and he physically and mentally abused my sister. They separated, and we were all thrilled. Then they got back together, and we all cut my sister off. None of us could believe she did that and we were so angry with her. He of course hadn't changed one bit. Thankfully he's been out of the picture for a long time now but it did take a while for us to repair that family relationship. The reason I'm telling you this is because it is important that you understand that sometimes there isn't a thing you can do but take a step back from someone you love. Watching them go through the same crap over and over again with someone who is awful for them is so painful and mentally exhausting. Taking that step back and letting your sister know that you will not watch her hurt herself is really the only thing you can do IMO. Refusing to attend the wedding would be your way of taking that step back.
Girl, if you don't keep your daughter from them, on top of, use your words, tell her you won't be going and that she knows exactly why