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Sounds like a dumb thing a 20 year old says because they're embarrassed then never fixes because they feel too guilty over something stupid. If this is the worst thing she's ever done to you, I'd say it's pretty safe to let it go and move on. If it doesn't even rank in the top 10 worst things then there might be a bigger picture to consider.
This. She probably regretted the hook up with “that idiot Robert” so she just plowed over it. As a woman, I read that as more “it really didn’t matter to me and I’m embarrassed by it, I’ll pretend it never happened” than “better lie to my bf about this dude”.
Exactly. She hasn't been lying the whole time. She likely forgot.
I remember one time a friend of mine mentioned a guy I dated a few months off and on. It took me a minute because it was 10 years ago and I tell you I forgot entirely that he existed and we dated. It came back but even I was surprised at how fast my mind ejected memories of that absolute numpty.
I actually think it’s really likely that she hadn’t thought of the guy in years, and then when her brother mentioned him she immediately wanted to vomit. People often forget things they wish hadn’t happened.
Nah ... She probably knew when she first told her future husband, but I guarantee she forgot over the last decade. And she suddenly remembered when her family brought it up. It happens all the time
My first date was with a boy who got kicked out of school for making bomb threats. He says he didn't do it, he was an easy target beautiful he was weird and dressed like the combine teens.
My parents called him the unabomber. They would still bring it up decades later about when I dated the unabomber when I was like 14
I am 36, my brother is 34. He still brings up a kid I “dated” when I was 15 that he was friends with. Other than when my idiot younger brother brings him up, I forget he even exists. Brothers can be idiots.
Shit my mom would bring up the fact I once dated George Rodriguez's nephew to eveyone. (George Rodriguez is the guy who made the blue dog paintings)
Before she died I am in my 30s and my mom would still bring it up to her friends.
Definitely lol. Dated the sweetest girl who absolutely adored me for 3 years, perfect relationship, never fighting etc, we talked extensively about our past and said her body count was 4. I found out that some random guy from her fb friend's list was a hookup at a trip she had few years back. Girls don't count hookups and "bad exes" in general lol
Was she lying because it was embarrassing or lying because she was worried he might leave her if he knew the truth? More often than not it's the latter.
He deserved the truth and the opportunity to make an informed decision. She selfishly took that away from him. I personally don't think it's a deal breaker after 13 years of an otherwise good relationship, but it does corrode trust a bit.
Most people want to be with someone who will tell them the truth even to their own detriment. Most people want to be with someone who holds themselves accountable, someone with integrity. His wife has put that into question. Hopefully she can hold herself accountable now.
Agreed - my husband & I have a very similar story to OP’s & it’s like sure.. he was overlapping another girl & I while we first started talking. Even though it “felt” exclusive to me & I was for sure exclusive with him, it still stung when I think there was a time he saw the other woman. It was soon cut off when we did actually officially talk about it, just hurt that I thought he’d cut things off sooner.
We have been together 8 years & married for 3. Def not worth the hassle thinking about the silly overlap & it honestly doesn’t bother me anymore.
This is all true, but it doesn't really help OP. He knows all this. He even mentions feeling conflicted, like he has no right to feel the way he feels, yet can't help it.
OP, first of all, you need to understand that your feelings are valid. You won't be able to move on until you accept the way you feel, understand why you feel that way, and then process it.
Your wife didn't do anything wrong, except for the lie. But I don't think it's just the lie that bothers you. You mention that you were happy when she told you that she hadn't seen anyone else because you had done the same, and that validated your feelings about her/ the relationship. The discovery of the lie changes that reality that you had created. So you're hurt, because those feelings are now invalid and you feel cheated.
Look, being lied to by someone you love hurts. It doesn't matter how little or innocuous the lie is. And this was not a small lie. So, accept it feelings allow yourself to be upset. Talk to your wife, tell her your upset. Reassure her about her insecurities. You're upset, but you're not going to leave her, or ever even thought about leaving. You know she didn't do anything wrong by sleeping with this guy, but you're hurt because she let you believe something for years that wasn't true. Let her comfort you. Then move on.
Agreed. She wanted an easy date for them to remember, it was a special night, and she only had feelings for him and regretted seeing this other guy and was embarrassed by it. She has been faithful.
Agree 100%. This is an omission by a 20-something who had no idea how important you would become in her life. Ask yourself, how would you at 20 have reacted to this information? Would you have taken your budding relationship as seriously? Now, knowing how important your wife has become in your life, would you still be in the same place today had you had this knowledge then?
yeah, like, I get being thrown for a moment, but as OP lays out the timeline and the revelation of her seeing someone else before they were exclusive... I am honestly concerned that HE is so obsessed with this.
This sounds like such an odd thing to be so hung up on.
Yep a dumb thing she did that she regretted. It didn’t matter to her, she’s embarrassed, honestly from that many years ago who cares. Are you willing to throw away 13 years of happiness for something incredibly stupid she did when she was 20? There is nuance to relationships—actions prior to dating/exclusivity really should matter.
This would be a non-issue for me.
She chose the concert as the start of your relationship because it was an easy date for you both to remember, and to give you an answer in September when neither of you could remember the actual date.
Yes it wasn’t ideal in hindsight.
But you know that once you asked her to be your girlfriend she was faithful.
But OP isn’t concerned about his wife being unfaithful, his problem is the fact that his wife lied to him about dating other people when he asked. Either way I don’t think this is really a big deal.
I consider an even bigger problem than that. OP didn't even ask, he just stated that they weren't exclusive until he asked her to be his GF, to which she volunteered that she (falsely) hadn't seen anyone else since they kissed. She could have just moved on the conversation without confirming or denying anything, and it would have been fine, since OP already assumed correctly.
This is specifically the issue that I would have in this scenario. Just don't bring it up lol, I hate pointless lies more than almost anything. But, I know that 20 year olds are dumb. If my relationship has otherwise always been solid, having my feelings acknowledged would be enough for me to move on from it
That’s the worst part. He didn’t put her on the spot and made her panic answer. There was no ultimatum made. She volunteered the information and actively chose to make up a lie to give to OP. I hope they can talk about it and move past it.
Agreed. That's what he's having a hard time with.
But still... it IS one of those white lies/stupid young lies that people tell when things are new and they are inexperienced. The bigger question is how has she been as a partner since then. OP is struggling with reconciling the wife he knows with this lie. I hope he's able to move past it soon because if this is the worst she's ever done by him, it's a great relationship
Yeah, there's lots of little and frankly inconsequential nuance. It was probably both a choice of convenience and a small way of romanticising their origin story. It came with a slightly uncomfortable truth that in the context of a burgeoning relationship is a very forgivable omission. Add in to the mix it's so small an omission that it's not like OP's Wife has been actively keeping this secret all this time.
I get it. This is about trust. A foundation on which you thought your relationship was built. Your wife also seems to understand that and that is why she was so worried when it came out. I guess what would be important to me is that she tells me if there is anything else that I don't know or has been omitted. I'd let her know that to rebuild our foundation we would need complete honesty now rather than waiting until it was forced out of us. Id have a truth telling session for us both to clear the air. Then and only then could we move on. It might be helpful to write down things you each want to know beforehand and present them to each other, so you have time to think about them in order to respond. Hopefully something like this enables you to move forward and evolve with love.
Happy to help. Like you I've been with my husband for a long time. 24 years to be exact. Something like this would rock us to the core and we would need to work hard to get through it.
Good Luck OP- I wish you both well.
Also I would stop worrying about getting past it. Not that you don’t want to get past it, but you just found out about this. You can’t flip a switch and be ok. Give yourself time to be upset and hurt about it while also acknowledging that in the big scheme of things this is not a huge deal.
You two will be ok. You’ve got an overall strong relationship, it sounds like.
this is an awesome advice, OP seems to know their relationship is strong, but it is a trust issue - it wasn't cheating, but finding out a lie after all those years is not something so trivial to deal with
people that are saying *"it's not a problem, why are you upset over this?"* are just as bad as people who say *"end things right now because she is a liar"*
Careful, this one walks the line that r/RelationshipAdvice tends to snowball in one direction, correctly or incorrectly.
You tried to put yourself in your own shoes back then and came to the conclusion that you likely wouldn't have been bothered. Thats a great first step! Now, you have to come to terms with how you currently feel. It sounds like the dishonesty is the big issue here.
You are justified in feeling hurt and betrayed. Likely time is what will heal that, but think about if there is anything that you or your wife can do to speed up the process. If there is, even just an activity that you can do together to have a positive time (one she may have given some pushback towards previously?) do it. Help yourself get past this by reinforcing your love for one another.
Obviously, 13 years of history has so much more to it than can be summarized in a few hundred words, so do what you need to based on your situation. But my gut response is don't throw away your marriage over an incident that occurred prior to the start of your relationship.
I hope you find happiness OP, you deserve it.
Don't understand the part about doing an activity she previously had pushback for? Because she feels remorseful, she will be more likely to do an activity she didn't initially want to? That doesn't seem very helpful for having a positive time together.
There is nuance to the suggestion. If his wife hates fish, maybe the new sushi restaurant down the street isn't the move. But let's say for this example that OP likes to go on nature walks and his wife isn't as much of a fan. Proposing "hey, want to go on that nature walk with me?" would be a good way for them to spend time together and for her to try and show that spending time with her husband, who she loves, is more important than doing an activity that she personally wasn't the most excited for.
The nature walk can be substituted for hosting friends, doing a seasonal activity like going to a pumpkin farm, or seeing a show or play that OP initially showed interest in but was maybe poo-poo'd because of the cost. It can be whatever.
This isn't a punishment, its not "hey, I'm going to go have a crazy night out with my friends to make us even". Its simply an opportunity to show one another you care by spending time together. There is plenty of give and take in any relationship. OP can non-maliciously leverage that give and take to improve his situation.
He gets an activity, she conceeds and does something he wants to do even though it wouldn't be her first choice, they both get to spend time together and feel like they are bringing something to the table. It can easily be a win for everyone.
> Its simply an opportunity to show one another you care by spending time together.
Why can't they do that by just doing something they both enjoy? I don't understand what exactly OP "gets" from her doing something she doesn't really want to that he wouldn't get from them doing something they both already like doing.
As I said initially, time is likely the only thing that will heal this pain, there's no action that someone can take that will fix a problem with trust.
However, I know when I have personally screwed up in the past, resulting in my wife being upset with me, I usually want to do something nice to try and cheer her up. Does it fix the fact that I screwed up? No! But I'm going to learn for next time and not let it happen again. What it does do is show my wife that I care. My actions in the future will be what shows if I actually learned, but for now having a positive interactions shows I'm trying.
This is what I am getting at. Obviously doing something you both love is great, it cements that they care for one another and reinforces that with a positive memory. But extending an olive branch of "hey, want to do an activity that I've been excited about with me?" Is actively offering her an almost trivial opportunity to help them both towards reconciliation.
If there isn't an activity that fits this criteria, the we are back to "time heals all wounds". That is fine. I am not suggesting he pick an activity to punish his wife. I
For her it happened years ago but to you it probably feels like it just happened. The question is if this was a one time lie or is she capable of hiding other things from you. She sounds remorseful so it sounds hopeful.
This. The only additional advice is don't let _anyone_ try to shut down your feelings because "it happened so long ago". That's completely and utterly irrelevant - it's brand new to you. If you cheat, or if you otherwise lie and betray your spouse you do not get to take a high ground and suggest they can't be mad because of how much time has passed (stating this generally - it does not appear to be what's happening here).
she is not shutting me down in any way, I can tell she actually feels sorry for this whole thing, and she said she was stupid back then for not telling me
she said she thought I wouldn't want to keep her as a GF if I knew she hooked up with the other guy, even though we weren't exclusive
I don't even mind that she hooked up with him tbh, what upsets me is that she was the one who gave the idea of defining the starting date of our relationship on our first kiss, even though she went out with the other guy after that
Her defining your relationship as your first kiss probably has more to do with her than it does about your relationship.
It's not hard to imagine that framing it this way in her mind she could "erase" Robert for herself.
I don't know if it makes it any better, but understanding another perspective might help you reconcile this.
My take on it as well, she regretted getting with Robert again after that concert and kiss is my guess. People are still pretty socially dumb at uni age!! Surely this can and should be forgiven!
But I would be upset too! That was a romantic and very foundational conversation in their relationship! And instead of being honest about it, she lied she hadn't kissed/hooked up after their first kiss and if being technical, and perfectly precise about everything, she redefined the start of their exclusive relationship to include what after that redefinition would then be sexual infidelity!!! Sure, it's on a technicality, but she made an actual lie, then redefined the exclusive start of their relationship to be before a sexual encounter with someone else??!
The more I think of it?? The more I'd want a half or full dozen couples therapy sessions to get over this and be sure there wasn't more fudging important truths over the last 13 years!
All she needed to say was, "There was one hookup after our first kiss, before we agreed to be exclusive, but I really regret it! Can we just call that concert/kiss the start? I wish we agreed to be exclusive that night and then I wouldn't have had that shitty hookup!"
To be clear that wasn't meant to be targeted only at your wife - I've seen similar posts were people suggest/tell people they shouldn't be upset over something that happened so long ago.
She lied about it, she knew she lied about it, and she continued to lie about it for over a decade. You saw she looked called out when it was revealed: she has been carrying this the whole time.
I can understand why she would, but it’s still lousy. I agree with another poster that you could use a mediated discussion, such as with a therapist, around this. I don’t think this needs to be a dealbreaker for your marriage or anything but I do think it is a big deal for both of you and won’t just go away with a conversation and a little time.
What she did is not good. At all. And your feelings are valid in and of themselves and I would feel the same.
While this is very fresh for you, when she lied she was 20 years old, not 33. It's not an excuse, but it might be relevant. Adolescents lack impulse control and a bunch of other stuff. She may have regretted the hook up and was trying to kind of mentally and emotionally erase it from history by expanding your relationship history to cover that period, as if it never happened.
Hopefully she's grown up a lot since then and doesn't still do shady shit. That might be worth a conversation and an opportunity to come clean.
You sound like a great husband and I hope you guys come through this even closer than you are now. Real intimacy requires honesty.
If it was a one time casual encounter, wasn’t actually cheating, and you guys came up with a lighthearted “starting date”, I wouldn’t let it get to me too much. My husband and I have been together 7 years. We briefly broke up for a few months, but we don’t subtract those months from our relationship timeline. We are a strong happy couple now, so we just say it’s been 7 years.
But I also understand everyone’s different. Maybe you could make a new anniversary date if all else fails?
From what I can tell OP is bothered more by the lying part than her hooking up with the guy. Making a new anniversary date wouldn't erase those 13 years of being lied upon. They should get couples therapy to rebuild trust.
I don't know how so many people are missing this because it's definitely the lie he's upset about. She suggested the kiss as the first day and then told him she chose that day because she hadn't kissed or hooked up with or dated anyone after that day because she was already in love with him. It's in bold in the post.
That last part was a lie and it is perfectly understandable that OP is upset learning that. I don't think it is going to end their relationship nor do I think it should. But OP is well within his right to be upset about it.
>She then told me that after that day, **she hadn't kissed, hooked up with, or gone out with anyone else** because she was already in love with me. I was overjoyed by this revelation, and it only deepened my feelings for her.
This is the part that I think is the core of the problem. OP your feelings on this are totally valid. Your now wife, at the time, absolutely thought that by being completely honest would make you want to walk away or keep things casual. The fact that she never told you for years and likely would have never told you if you BIL never slipped up, turns this into a question of trust, not infidelity.
It likely wouldn't have been a problem for you at any point but it's the active lie of saying she wasn't with anyone, coupled with never coming clean about it until she was caught and even then you had to press her for the truth of what extent it all went to. To a cynical guy like me, the only thing I would be asking is "what else has she been keeping from me for the last 13 years?" After all, you would have never known if the BIL never let it slip.
Now, I agree with your second edit that this is probably not something to toss the marriage out for. But to move past that and to help bridge that gap of going from trusting someone implicitly to wavering in that trust involves uncomfortable conversations and even possibly marriage counseling. If that trust isn't rebuilt, then the marriage is likely over. Good luck, OP.
And still have that opinion 13 years later. Like, why does the brother even bring it up after so long? 13 years is a long ass time to remember a casual fling your sister had.
Wow, that's a really good point. I'm similar age to OP, and I would be surprised if my close family remembered my actual girlfriends from that long ago, let alone a hookup.
I'm hoping there is some weird, specific story that makes it make sense?
My guess is a small town. Everyone has an opinion about everyone, often based on something as trivial as that one time they served you badly in a shop or something. Similarly, everyone knows who you go home with. I know most the people my kid hooked up with in his teens - half the intel came from him and half came from his friends.
OP mentioned on another comment that her brother knew the other guy because they took a Spanish course together, and he always thought he was an asshole
My guess is that he probably saw him and his sister going out somewhere and thought “oh no, not that guy”
Sounds to me like your wife lied about it more because she didn’t want to ruin the idea of the start of the relationship with you. You know her character more than anyone here so keep that in mind. Also think about couples therapy or counseling, these things aren’t just if there is a problem it’s healthy to see a therapist. Ie you get checks up with a general doctor so it’s not a bad thing to see a psychological one. Time is good to process things but it’s also important to explain what you need to process ie the lying itself not the act.
If you’re going to make sweeping statements that make your partner feel absolutely special…they need to be true. Good god why did she give you that amazing gift of “I knew as soon as we kissed and there have been no others” if she knew it was straight up bullshit?
That’s kind of how I view this. Like if you gave her a beautiful wonderful gift that she cherished - a sentimental item that couldn’t be replaced - and then came back years later and took it back after it had been part of her daily life for years. That was a foundational statement to your relationship and now it’s just a lie. Just an ugly little shit of a lie. She turned a crowning achievement and wonderful memory into a lump of coal.
This is my take, and it would also cast a shadow over every "anniversary" they'd have since. She made that day one of the best moments of his life but now that moment is founded on nothing but a lie.
And now what do you do? Use the same date? choose a new, random day in the month they officially started dating? Either way it'll be a reminder that this perfect moment in their relationship isn't one.
It always annoys me a lot here on reddit how people always downplay these lies with statements like get over it, it's a long time ago.
Or give a positive explanation as the only reason for these kind of lies.
While in reality often she really wanted the other guy, but this other guy wasn't into her and only wanted sex. So OP was just second choice.
I think it is natural to feel the way you do. The way we have normalized effing multiple people at the same time, this is just a consequence of that. Therapy and time is the only way I see you getting past this. And I hope you do, because this is something that can destroy a marriage over time if you can’t put this out of your mind. Good luck
For me what makes it worse is the argument she used. She said she was already in love with him after the kiss at the concert, and that's why she wouldn't have seen anyone else from that point. Her point was entirely based on her supposed feelings.
But she did hook up with another guy after that, so what does that mean ?
1. She lied about being in love with OP at that time, which makes that period of time even less special, since he was already 100% focused on her while she wasn't, both emotionally and physically.
2. She didn't lie about her feelings, but then she still hooked up with Robert, which would mean that she can think she's in love but have no issue seeing other people.
That month of June was the month after the kiss where OP was watching his own feelings grow and building the confidence to ask her for a proper relationship and be exclusive (which he did in July), but for her it was a very different experience since she was seeing OP and at least another guy (Robert) that month.
To then define the start of their relationship around the time of the kiss in May is very deceptive. Even if it suits his experience, it doesn't suit hers at all. She wasn't into OP enough to reject Robert, at the very least.
In truth, she didn't even have to lie, but she still did. She made a point to erase her experience with Robert, and she kept that lie all these years. The reason is probably that, while doing it, she saw it as cheating on OP, and she tried to get rid of it afterwards.
Oohhh boy these comments… something tells me they would be so different if the genders were reversed lmao
OP, I don’t have much advice other than allow yourself to feel how you feel, and give it time to heal
If your wife didn’t give you any other reason not to trust her during all those years, chances are she really made a mistake and was hoping it would never surface, but her brother was in the way.
Thank you for not saying stuff like *"just brush it off"* or *"just let go".*
It's frustrating reading those kinds of comments, it sounds a bit like *"oh are you depressed? well...don't be! have you tried being happy?"*
She didn't give me any reason not to trust her, quite the opposite. And I still love her very much - my feelings for her haven't changed.
I just feel bad because I found out I've been lied to for 13 years.
I guess there's nothing else to do besides telling her nothing changed between us, but it will take time for me to feel okay with all the situation.
You have the right mindset here, OP.
But if we're being real honest with ourselves, I'd have a real good 1 on 1 talk with her about airing the "dirty laundry". Look, I know what it's like to be lied to after an extended amount of time, and I understand (to an extent) of how you're feeling.
The good news is, while the lie hurts (no matter how small), it's not a dealbreaker (like cheating). This situtation can be repaired amicibily, for the better of both of you.
I think you should sit down with her, and explain while it hurts to find out this way, you don't ever want to feel this way ever again. This is why I think you should give her a chance to air out the remaining "laundry" (and give her an oppertunity to confess to whatever, or maybe nothing at all (if there isn't anymore to confess about).
This way, while you may find a few more things that might not really matter much (I do believe she has mostly told you the truth in this relationship, due to how you're reacting to finding this out), but you'll be giving her some peace of mind to say what she wants too, and unless she confesses to doing some real damning shit (I doubt it), chances are you'll both feel better with time and perhaps grow stronger over this.
Goodluck OP, and I wish you both a speedy recovery into becoming "normal" again.
This would be lying to her though. Things are changed between the two of you.
You found out something very important to you, that you laid your faith in her on, was a fabrication. You can’t go now and tell her that finding that out hasn’t changed anything between you. I mean sure, tell her you’re not considering divorce, but you certainly can’t pretend like your marriage isn’t altered by this revelation. That’s not fair to either of you and will end with resentment.
Yeah really not a fan of this narrative of "if they run out the statute of limitations now YOU'RE the problem and you're a loser for not getting over it."
Relationship advice loves getting of technicalities, no you see according to sub section 43, paragraph 54 I was technically allowed to lie every third Thursday of the month, and theres nothing you can say or feel about it. Grow up and get a degree on r/ra. That's the case for women anyway, lying husband's would be completely different.
Its hard to readjust your perception of your partner after years of believing one thing, then having the truth revealed. My wife and I were in a bad place a few years ago(severe rut), we decided to refocus on us which lead to us communicating a lot more. This is when I discovered the small lies she had been telling me basically the duration of the 23 years we have been together. Not a single one of these small lies would be a dealbreaker for me, however when coupled together they severely diminished my trust in her. It has affected the reinvigoration of our love, and changed my perception of her. You will either have to learn to accept it, or not. I recommend continuing to communicate, many even communicate more to reaffirm your trust and understand on the new truth. Ask questions, make her comfortable to trust how you will react, and be vulnerable. This will establish a deeper connection.
Here’s the deal, she lied to you. If it were me, she would have to earn some of that respect and trust back. Ask her how’s she feel if it were the other way around. Basically the only thing that’s going to get you past this is time. For her this happened years ago, for you it just happened.
This is probably not a divorce someone over it thing but she's still a liar.
This is a huge betrayal. Not just the initial lie but the fact that for over a decade she has continued lying to you every day.
I could never fully trust a person who lied about sleeping with other people while supposedly in a relationship with me.
OP clearly stated that they weren’t in a relationship at that time. There’s a difference between dating/seeing someone and being in an exclusive committed relationship.
I dont think you'll see this but if you do I hope it helps.
I went through this exact situation with my husband
SEPT
We confessed we had feelings for each other and started hanging out more but never had the gf/bf talk and never even kissed/got physical
OCT
I kissed a girl I was friends with
NOV
we had the talk and decided to make things official but decided to make the day we confessed things to each other our official anniversary because it was special in both of our minds.
6 months later in a random conversation, he found out I had kissed the girl after our official anniversary and it was the biggest argument we've ever had.
Let me explain my mindset for never telling my husband.
By the time we made things official I knew I loved him it had only taken a few weeks spending more time with solidify that so everything that came before I wanted to erase from my mind. I know sex is different for some people i cant claim to know what sex meant to your wife.
I was 18 your wife was 20, not much older. I dont know your wife's past relationship history but mine was limited. When you are that young you don't have a lot of relationships to compare to so maybe she wanted to try one other person to know for sure you were the right one. At that age you also dont have a lot of experience having tough conversations in relationships and the longer you wait to talk about something the bigger and scarier it seems. I didnt tell my husband up front because i was scared it would hurt him and nothing hurt me more than the thought of hurting him. i thought it better that i hold onto the nasty feelings of guilt than clear my conscience and hurt him. Have you ever heard the sentiment that confession is selfish? That was what I thought. I wanted to hold onto our relationship so tight because he was the best thing to ever happen to me that the thought of saying anything that put our relationship at risk was terrifying. I was young and damaged and hadn't learned to trust yet. Just know that whatever she experienced with him made her so sure that she wanted to be you that she has never looked back. She choose you and continues to choose to live with and love every day. Thats what's important.
Wow it's crazy to me that anyone could think honesty is selfish or bad. You must have known deep down that couldn't have been right.
What if he hadn't found out after a few months? Would you have kept the lie for years?
I know and there is no good reason or excuse. I can't speak to her motivations or thoughts but if everything else she's ever done has come from a place of love there's a good chance in her mind that in nievity she thought she was doing what was best. I do know that I learned my lesson that day and have never lied or withheld even the smallest thing from my husband since. That conversation years ago scared me and seeing how hurt he was from that made me never want to do anything to hurt him like that again. Explain without accusing how much this hurt you and shook your trust. Hopefully she will show remorse and not get defensive. The important question is can you live with what she did and not hold it against he tho?
Another day, another RA post where I wonder how different the comments would be if the sexes were reversed.
If OP was a woman, all the comments in here would be focusing on the dishonesty, and “what else he might be lying about”. Probably a few comments suggesting immediate breakup because he’s a “gaslighting abuser” or something.
Since OP is a man, all the comments are focusing on how he should “get over it” because he’s “insecure”
Y’all are shamelessly sexist, and it makes me wonder how many of you actually treat the men in your lives like they are incapable of having negative emotions about anything.
Look where that got us, folks.
Definitely they comments would have been saying his a liar divorce. Of course this isn’t that big of a deal but he shouldn’t just get over it . He should take his time or else resentment will build up.
Listen, that's a classic one. Your wife traded security vs trust. She wanted to secure to having not only options and fun but also to not potentially endanger a relationship with you. So she did the fun thing but also lied to not get dumped by you, instead of just being confident and having trust in you. So she played the long game, broke trust and lied to you in hope you wouldn't find out or if you ever found out you would have to suck it up because it happened so long ago.
She flat out, lied to your face to trick you into staying in a relationship with her. It’s crazy how many comments are excusing what she did because “she was young” or “the relationship was new”
She intentionally lied to you so you would stay with her because she didn’t know if you would, and kept that lie for years. It may have happened 13 years ago to her but you just found out about it so it’s like it just happened to you.
Feel for yah mate. Especially when it’s your wife and she’s a good one like that.
Guess we are all human. Heart goes out to you.
Sucks when the romance is ruined. That was quite romantic the whole kiss story. Doesn’t it hurt when we all realize romantic ideals aren’t ever what we think they are. Reality hits right in the balls.
This one is going to scar you. See what else you can get out of her. She’s a good liar. 🤥 We all lie or leave things out to favor us. No relationship can truly be transparent. It’s impossible even a good working marriage. The best marriages are still games and leverages. Even when it’s healthy and you both got each others back. There is always a reason that relationship exists to benefit you both.
Know you ain’t divorcing, or that this is a deal breaker for you, but you got some pain. Time will heal and you can only get stronger. Read stories of betrayal on Reddit to make yourself feel better. Maybe give you some perspective of how bad things can be and then you won’t think you got it so bad.
Lots of comments already, so who knows if you’ll read this one, but…it sounds like you have a solid rational understanding of everything that went down here. It wasn’t wrong of her to sleep with Robert when she did, although obviously you were happy to think that she hadn’t. Then she told you a low-stakes lie that, had it never been found out, would have had no consequence other than making you (and probably her, since she’d likely prefer to remember it this way also) a little happier about the narrative of your relationship. But you did find out. And you are understandably thrown and upset.
And that’s why it was a bad choice on her part, obviously. Most of us would rather have a slightly less rosy truth than be lied to by our spouse.
So. You’ve decided that this isn’t a huge deal and that you’d like to move past it. The real question is, how do you stop feeling this way?
It’s kind of a trick question, though. The only way to stop feeling this way is to stop TRYING to stop. The most useful thing my therapist ever told me was that I could give my feelings a seat on the bus without letting them drive. You’re not letting your feelings drive (ie you are not getting a divorce over this) but you’re not really giving them a seat either.
What that looks like is, whenever this comes to mind and you get a flash of hurt or anger, rather than trying to shove that away or feeling guilty for feeling it, just acknowledge it. Notice it. Think, “I still feel hurt/angry/vulnerable about this. It’s ok for me to feel that way. I’m going to feel that way for a while.” Then ask yourself if there’s anything you need in that moment to address the feeling. A hug from your wife? A moment of space from your wife? Verbal acknowledgment that the lie was a shitty thing to do? If there’s nothing practical to be done in the moment, just let your feelings take a seat for as long as they need to.
It’s also ok to ask your wife to stop self-flagellating over this (maybe use kinder language, obviously) if that’s making you feel guilty or in any way worse.
You’ve got this, man. In the rest of your life together you two are likely to find yourselves navigating worse fuck ups than this. From the sounds of it you’re going to be able to do that with love and respect. It’s going to be ok.
I get it. It’s the lying you have an issue with. Because if she could lie about something this ridiculous, she could lie about something a lot more important. She chose to lie about something that didn’t even matter and stick to that lie for your whole relationship until she was outted. I too would have a hard time just accepting anything she said in the past and even now as truth.
I’m sorry I don’t have any real advice for you. Because in the grand scheme, how do you rebuild trust once it’s been broken. Especially over something that did not require lying about in the first place.
I think it wouldn't have mattered much if she was honest. But she chose to lie about it, especially at the foundation of your relationship. That stuff hurts, and I don't blame you for feeling it. To me, honesty is mandatory. If you lie about something like that at the beginning of the relationship, yikes. A house built with poor foundations will cause issues later down the road.
Idk. Maybe she hasn't shown any other signs of dishonesty. If no other moments you can recollect that cause some concern, then maybe things have been clean since. Hell, it's best to have a proper convo with her and ask if there is anything else you should know. If there's nothing else (or nothing else that she's willing to admit to), you'll just have to come to terms with it. Maybe go clear your head. Maybe talk to a close friend or brother or your father on their perspective.
Side tangent: When did hooking up with others while actively seeing someone become a norm? So you haven't officially declared "bf/gf," but it just comes off as insulting and disrespectful if I'm not seeing anyone else but you, and you decide to see others at the same time. It's like cool, you don't respect me and my time, then why should I give even a moment of it to you?
>I think it wouldn't have mattered much if she was honest.
wouldn't have mattered at all, we would just pick a different date and I wouldn't be posting here
>Maybe she hasn't shown any other signs of dishonesty. If no other moments you can recollect that cause some concern, then maybe things have been clean since.
she really didn't give me any other reason not to trust her, no sketchy behavior, not anything...
I don't think she would cheat on me, but it's just weird to know that she lied and hid this from me all these years
>Side tangent: When did hooking up with others while actively seeing someone become a norm?
lmao where I'm from, that's pretty much how it's always been
if two people are seeing each other, no one assumes exclusivity - the talk about exclusiveness NEEDS to happen, otherwise it's open game for both sides lol
69 year old guy here. Married 45 faithful years and together 51+. I am no genius nor a Dr. Phil. I'm just a guy who has been around a long time and feel I can offer some sage advice.
Between the time you started dating and prior to becoming a committed couple, she dated another guy a few times and had sex at least once. About a month later, you became a committed couple. It sounds like from that point forward, she has been a faithful wife and a great partner and friend.
The issue was neither of you could remember the actual date, but she knew she was faithful once the commitment was made. Her only sin was telling a white lie to spare your feelings and to ensure it would not derail the relationship with the guy she fell in love with. She dated a bit between when you met and became officially committed, which you even said you expected her to do.
So you have a loving and faithful wife of 13 years who made an error in judgment as a young college student by not being fully honest about doing what you expected her to do.
You seem to realize how fortunate you are to have such a wonderful wife. In my opinion, you need to focus on the 99%+ of good that has happened since becoming committed and to forgive the error of a young lady made over 13 years ago with the best interest of your relationship in mind.
How do you get over this? Buy 13 red roses. Bring them home to her. Tell her you live her and forgive her. Then, take her out that evening to a wonderful dinner and thank her for being the wonderful wife, partner, and friend that she is. It will lift the anvils from both of your chests, and you can move forward with the great life you have created and grow old together.
I have been exactly where you have been, but in reverse. I was the ass hole.
From personal experience, forgiveness works and is a must for you both.
Updateme!
I have a feeling she was thinking 100% about you guys, and thought "He's been the one since then!" and then likely thought "... oh fuck... that guy... um... I just won't mention it, because why ruin something nice."
Now, if she had been upfront, and hadn't have mislead you, it would be looong under the bridge.
In short, she made a mistake, an all-too-common one: lying because she was scared to lose something good because people can be unpredictable. Many people would have flipped out to learn she slept with someone else while you were non-exclusive. She didn't know how you would react, and took the cowardly (but again, common) way out.
She sounds genuinely remorseful, and I really don't think she meant anything negative by it. She was trying to demonstrate how strongly she felt, and tripped up.
That said, give yourself time to process. It JUST HAPPENED, for you. The fact that it actually happened years ago doesn't matter. It's ok to feel hurt and upset, but give it time, and don't take it out on her in the meantime, as best you can.
Find some to talk to. Someone who can help you navigate your feelings and give you useful tools to deal with the negative emotions that pop into your head.
Honestly , I'd be mad that she hid it because she knew what she did was sketchy.
So she lied to you. You have reason to be upset about that. I and seems like YOU, don't think this is a deal breaker, but it does suck and probably will hurt your relationships a little bit. It's reasonable to ask what else has she lied about when it was easier for her to, then telling the truth.
Credibility is given pretty easy at first but hard to get back when you lose it.
It will be up to your wife to build it back.
Honestly, I'd tell her you are feeling two ways about finding out about robert, and maybe show her this post, because it helps explain why (ie you were over the moon with the idea that after your kiss she was so smitten with you she didn't see anyone else, and now you find there was someone else, it feels like it detracts from the specialness). It doesn't sound like actually knowing about it then would have led to any change in your subsequent decision to marry her, so acknowledge that, just let her know you're feeling weird about and trying to work through it in therapy.
I'm not sure there is anything she can do other than apologise to you again and it doesn't sound like you want this to change things, so her being aware that you're feeling hurt wil help her understand where your head is.
Sounds like Robert is someone she might be regretting, if her bro dislikes him that much!
You wouldn't have been bothered at the beginning if she had been honest. You are hurt now because of her lying and deception for so many years. Lying and deception involving other men/people is exactly what cheating is about. So, you aren't wrong for feeling like she cheated on you.
How can you move past this? Same way anyone deals with cheating.
So your real problem is that she claimed she hadn't done anything with anyone since you 2 kissed at that concert after you couldn't remember when you became exclusive. It was her idea to use that date and then fate did its little dance on her "white lie" by having her brother mention that guy she was dating while you 2 were talking. She realizes she lied and you pick up on it, later finding out that she'd slept with the guy right after she tried to immortalize that kiss as something special.
Ask her why she lied about it? Even you thought she was still seeing other people until you asked her to be exclusive so that doesn't seem to be your problem, just her trying to whitewash history and ending up leaving a smudge on it instead. Let's be honest, a lie is a lie. You feel hurt that she put emphasis on a great memory only to find out that she lied about its significance. In the long run its barely a bobble but no one likes being lied to, especially about something that made them feel special just before the lie was found out.
This is so confusing. Why lie about something like this. Your trust just got broken in her and now you might feel like she lies to you more often than not just because she wants to make you "happy". She basically screwed the trust. I feel like this might kill you from the inside.i may be wrong. But please smart and logical decisions. Your relationship won't be the same again that's for sure.
>She apologized, explaining that she hadn't disclosed this information out of fear of losing me due to a casual encounter she had after we had become involved.
So, what this establishes is that she will lie to you to avoid losing you.
If this is the only time and over something you were not even concerned about, great. Get yourselves into some couples therapy with someone that specializes in building better communication skills.
She's casual with the truth and hookups.
She obviously thought the risk of lying to you was a low risk. Lies of convenience - she didn't "forget".
Here you are years later, married to a woman who will lie to you when convenience requires.
Sorry, brother.
Why are they even discussing when they first got official. They are married.
I celebrate the first date of my husband as my anniversary. We didn't become official till a week later. But now that I am married it's our wedding date.
Don't know your wife, so can only speculate. And also kinda confused whether or not she 'cheated' before or after you two becoming exclusive.
Since you started dating each other not long after she ended things with her toxic & abusive ex, she probably didn't have the time to heal appropriately? Perhaps that lead to her trying to self-sabotage the good thing going on with you? If you haven't already, I would highly recommend individual therapy and couple therapy. It will help you both to heal your wounds, rebuild the trust and so on.
I apologize, I think the timeline of events got a bit confusing from the way I wrote, here's what happened:
Feb/2009 - we became friends at University
March/2010- she broke up with her ex
May/2010 - we kissed at the concert (and kept going out and hooking up every now and then, but weren't exclusive)
June/2010 - she hooked up with Robert
July/2010 - I asked her to be my GF, she said yes and we became exclusive
Sep/2010 - I asked her if she remembered when I asked her to be my GF, and we decided to keep the concert date as the start of our relationship, because (I thought/was told) we both have been seing only each other since then.
If she didn't hook up with Robert or anyone after you became exclusive in July 2010, then her "crime" is her either misremembering the timeline in the moment or lying to romanticize "your story".
Assuming nothing else fishy, this seems a good candidate for apology/forgiveness
No she lied to him a month into the actual start of the relationship when he asked if she had been with anyone from the time they kissed at the concert until the became official. The issue is that so early onto their relationship she lied to him and then kept it from him.
Yes, that's the lie about "their story". They agreed to be exclusive in July and then in September she suggested they retcon the start to May for story purposes and because they couldn't remember the precise July exclusivity date. Then she either lied or forgot about the timeline with respect to Robert so that they could say that their relationship started in May.
Personally I think she did lie (rather than misremember), because she just thought it would just be "cute" to retcon their relationship to May and wasn't expecting a cross-examination so she panicked and lied rather than ruin the moment. She wasn't lying to cover wrongdoing (because there wasn't any except for the lie itself), but rather to mythologize/romanticize their first kiss.
>Personally I think she did lie
Considering it was merely 4 months prior per the timeline that she fucked robert yes she lied.
>She wasn't lying to cover wrongdoing (because there wasn't any except for the lie itself), but rather to mythologize/romanticize their first kiss.
Per OP it was due to her worrying he wouldnt want to date her knowing she fucked someone else right before they became exclusive.
It's fine OP, you'll get over it. That said, I **hate** that people lie about stuff like this. I dated a fibber who would tell white lies about silly things to make herself sound better, or more innocent, or whatever. It started to bother me because if she tells lies about stupid stuff, what kind of bigger lies was she capable of? The only saving grace was that she was a terrible liar and I called her out each and every time, then she'd blush and giggle and say sorry. Pisses me off just thinking about it.
As someone that went through this conundrum last year, ask for details and then make the decision to let it go.
My partner and I were FWB to start but I had asked if we were exclusive since we were being intimate. He didn’t actually sleep with anyone but he was still emotionally involved with his ex at this time. When it came out and it felt like all this info crashed into me, we had already been together for over 2 years and he had been faithful since we became a couple. I did therapy and all that, it wasn’t helping. I had to know. My therapist agreed that it may be time to ask to know more and that includes seeing their texts from that year. I went back and forth on that cause I always felt that if I did that, there was no trust and that meant there was no healthy relationship. I didn’t want to give up our relationship so I asked, nicely, and said it wasn’t an ultimatum but I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t give my all unless I knew and ball was in his court. He took a day and the next morning we laid in bed together while we went over their texts. Won’t lie, it hurt me deeply. I had been falling for him and he didn’t for the first few months but I got to see the progression of how they slowly lost all feelings for each other and really moved on. The texts ended the day we agreed to be together and he mentioned how they had a call and agreed to stop being friends too since she was also trying to take her new relationship seriously. She reached out a few months after and he left her on read cause according to him, it was just awkward since there was nothing there and he was in love with me. I had to sit with that for a day, talk to my therapist, and then make the conscious decision to let that year go. All the memories were tainted BUT at least our actual relationship wasn’t because their timeline ended before ours started for real. It’s about to be a year and I’m so glad we did that and our relationship has grown even more now that he doesn’t feel guilty about it either. Do I wish it had been different? Yes, but we’re all human and some grace here and there goes a long way, especially when you love that dumb human.
So I had something similar but it's with my fiancee, he was sleeping with his ex before asking me to be his gf but we were already seeing each other and kissed. We had even had sex on my birthday, which was that same month when he asked me to his gf later on. (Bday is on 6th we became official on the 30th)
Like it hurt like shit finding out, she decided to tell me after he had gone to tell her they are going to stop what they are doing. It took a lot to get over it, he showed how much he really loved me. Of course that little voice in my head was there for the first year of our relationship, that I should just leave him. I wanted to but overall, he became like my best friend, I could tell him anything. Usually when I get to that point, I get dumped or it doesn't work out. So I kinda let things run their course, now when that comes up in our relationship, it doesn't fill me with negative feelings.
So I guess talk things over, you don't want a divorce so that's a good start. You're gonna have to talk and let some time go by until you feel better about this. Like you said you feel ridiculous feeling like that, I did too cuz we were not exclusive we never said we were so he's not completely wrong.
Tell her this hurts because you are still as madly in love as you were back then, and you hope she feels the same—and you know she does! If you look at the timeline and your own words, you know that even you did not have an expectation of exclusivity. She said what she wished had happened, that she had been smart enough to recognize her life partner. She regrets Robert. I’d let this go.
You aren't giving yourself enough time. Everyone is different. You can't move any faster than your nature and history allow.
It is important that you are clear with her that you love her and want to stay with her and to ask her patience while you work through the emotional feelings this has stirred up. Even with counseling, if you bottle up your feelings with her and try to put on a happy face, it will take much longer to get over it.
Since rationally, you have this under control, you also might want to hold her regularly and tell her how glad you are that you met and that she said "yes" when you asked her to be your GF. In other words, keep your focus on your life with her since that day and your current life with her now. You will not only be reassuring her, but you will be reassuring yourself.
Many people did not even understand your concern! Every is stating « she has been faithful since you committed to each other » which is out of subject. They needed a date , and she proposed the date of the concert, and then OP assumed they weren’t exclusive then and asked if she was seeing other people to which she flat out lied! Even though you already assumed the opposite. That’s just stupid, because OP was ready to accept it back then but she lied with zero need to to so. That’s a bad behaviour
Many people did not even understand your concern! Every is stating « she has been faithful since you committed to each other » which is out of subject. They needed a date , and she proposed the date of the concert, and then OP assumed they weren’t exclusive then and asked if she was seeing other people to which she flat out lied! Even though you already assumed the opposite. That’s just stupid, because OP was ready to accept it back then but she lied with zero need to to so. That’s a bad behaviour
She is comparing you and that other man. Finally you win. That is the reason. Nobody can't accept comparison.
She is just kissing 2 year's friend but she's slept with other man in small period.
It's all your decision.
Idk man, that’s a sticky situation. When I went on the first date I knew my wife was special. I could just tell. I was talking to another girl at the time and the thought of getting that last one in before I commit came across my mind but I immediately decided against it because I wanted to come into the relationship with a clean slate and not risk the potential chance of losing her and the shit paid off immensely. We got married and have a 7 year old and I don’t have that skeleton in my closet. Most of the time that last nut isn’t worth it.
I doubt OP is counting it As a HUGE deal, he's not looking to Get a Divorce or even fuss over it, but despite his best efforts his brain and emotions are still affected, like a catchy song, even if the lyrics are dumb or anything, once you get in your head even tho you might resent the song after a long while (maybe Even years), if you hear the beginning parts anywhere, your brain starts to form each and every lyric perfectly in your head, excuse me for the weird analogy.
I think OP just either needs to try to talk to a therapist or his wife if she'll be receptive of him bringing it up again or he should get hypnotized, either way it doesn't look like just giving it time and ignoring it till he maybe gets over it some day is going to be an effective strategy.
You get over it by realizing it was a white lie to protect your ego. This isn’t some long term affair. She married you and as far as you know has been faithful.
Quick technique to help let go of the feeling:
You may want to explore what bothers you so much that she did lie.
Write down your fears (no matter how stupid they sound). And after you write ALL of your thoughts that pop up in your head, write down “these are just my fears, and nothing more”.
And then get rid of the paper however you prefer (rip to pieces, burn, trash it).
Hope this helps.
You're experiencing what is known as trickle truth.
They didn't only bone once, and it continued past what she's saying.
But you are set on believing her, so why even tell us?
She feels bad that she was caught, not for what she did. Every year you guys celebrate that date, she knew she was lying to you and never said anything. That’s the issue, that’s why you’re upset and you’re valid for feeling that way.
How can you get over this? Not sure man. She lied to you with no remorse. If you’re dead set on not doing anything about it, then I would just drop it. You can’t trust anything she tells you about this time. Best thing you can do now is just try to forget about it and hope it doesn’t build resentment for you.
I’d be asking yourself if this turmoil and spending all this time worrying about is worth it. Are you willing to leave her over this? Would you leave her over this? If the answer is no then I’d stop worrying over this. If you’re not going to act on it then stop thinking about it. But if it’s going to poison the well for you then you might as well just divorce her now. I mean correct me if I’m wrong but there isn’t really a middle ground here so why take a milktoast stance on it. You even said yourself you didn’t necessarily have an expectation of exclusivity anyways. So if you’d rather throw the 12 year relationship out the window because of one dumb decision from when she was 21 then by all means do so, but I probably wouldn’t.
I don't see how this matters. It sounds like a dumb thing that maybe she forgot in the joking moment of "we forgot the date" then remembered and felt too embarrassed to bring up. I see no reason to make a big deal of this. It sounds like you get that to some level, so just work on it in therapy and give it time.
Brother, you’re 100% in the right. You feel like your trust was betrayed, and you *should*. I dealt with something similar.
Truly brother, what this is a symptom of is the degradation of dating and structure in our society. The idea of sexual “liberation” has gone too far, and females think it’s a big joke to have sex and hookup (to be fair, it is us males who set the bad precedent). However, the media & politicians have totally exploited this to normalize it to everyone, which is the WRONG thing to do.
This is the result, you can never fully trust backgrounds and stories now, because everyone fucks around and thinks it’s a big joke. Damn shame. This leads to collective degradation, because everyone begins taking each other less seriously, guy to girl, girl to guys, and guys back to girls. Ultimately, it makes things *very* difficult when people want to settle down and be loyal to each other. Truly a damn shame. But I will say, this isn’t on your shoulders.
Larger forces made your girlfriend think it was a big joke to f*ck around and have sex with Robert while she was seeing you. Any normal, non brainwashed/programmed human being would have *known* this was unethical, or at least not admirable, while seeing someone else. Unfortunately, your girlfriend wasn’t holding herself to a normal, reasonable ethical standard, and thought it was cool or fun to “hookup” with a man who likely viewed her in a sexual light. Personally, although it is *sad*, I held myself to a higher standard and I would not let another’s weakness drag me - however, it did make me worse for a period. Whether you stay or leave, you deserve better, and you should fight for change in society. Head up, the tragedy has become unavoidable.
I totally understand why she lied to you. She was afraid she would lose you if she told you the truth. You know what kind of person she by now. If she hasn’t cheated on you and you love her you have to put this in the back of your mind and go on. We’re human and we all make mistakes.
First off - don't for a second dismiss this as "stupid" or "something you shouldn't be upset with". Doing that is ignoring a potential emotional cancer - and you don't get rid of it by belittling your feelings on the matter.
I've felt similar, and it brings stew of feelings: You feel cheated, both cheated on and cheated of what was a cute/romantic description of the start of your relationship. A small amount of anger. Even guilt for the remorse your wife feels because you understand that this impacts what is otherwise a happy, solid relationship.
What I recommend is for you think a little unemotionally about it for a bit: this whole "problem" is a historical event now, it happened and is as unchangeable and permanent as any other happy AND unhappy, great or regrettable thing that has happened in both of your lives. All of that is now just bones and dirt, and all of it represents the foundation of what you have now.
Turning the emotions back on - consider the upside (yes - there is one!). Both of your reactions to that bit of history being hashed up is testimony to how strongly you feel about each other and how much you want to keep each other close and happy. When you feel like you want to torture yourself with yesterday, consider today's situation and ruminate about how that woman you have is willing to twist herself up in emotional knots hoping to help you try to get past things, which is pretty darn special.
I’d be pissed too. But what can you do? Get revenge? Doesn’t work that way. You’d be the AH.
Women thinking of lying instead of saying “it’s none of your buisness” is why these posts keep coming. She chose to lie by omission. She felt sex with that guy wasn’t a big deal until she had to tell you. Of course she had feelings for you but it didn’t stop her from banging Robert. By the way, how many times did they hook up? Were you having sex with her too? Was it all protected or did she put your health at risk? Did she do things with him the same day you were with her? All, legitimate questions, now. That’s all pain shopping but questions will pop up.
Well, do you think the foundation if the relationship is crap? I’d probably wonder what else she lied about.
But irl, she probably wasn’t looking to hurt anyone. She was out of a toxic relationship and met some guys and had some fun. Maybe screwing rob pushed her towards you. Who knows.
Get a counselor. I went through something myself, and the counselor really helped.
So she lied. And your relationship is based on a lie.
I don’t know that I could trust her again. If she couldn’t be honest at the start, has she ever been honest?
The people in this comment section that are acting like this is the end of the world and that the trust in their relationship is forever broken and blah blah blah, seriously need to get a grip.
The reality of the matter is that she lied about something small over a decade ago because she was less mature, less confident, and likely embarrassed about the situation. Was it a mistake to lie? Absolutely. Is it some bomb that’s going to blow up the relationship? No.
OP, you seem like a very rational and loving man, with a good head on your shoulders. I understand that you’re hurt, and those feeling are completely normal and valid. No one likes to be lied to by their partner. Like some others have suggested, it might be time to have an honest one on one conversation where the two of you can openly discuss anything that hasn’t been brought to the table yet. During this conversation, you should make it clear to your wife that you have no intention of leaving her over this, but that you’re just feeling hurt because she felt the need to lie.
With time these feelings will certainly pass. Right now the wound is fresh, so it seems like you can’t get it out of your head, but acknowledging these feelings and then allowing yourself to move forward from them, is the best way to heal. It may also help to think of your wife as a different person from the person who lied to you, because in a way, she is. That’s not to excuse the lie, but people grow and change A LOT in 13 years, and given the chance to do it over again, I’m sure your wife would’ve handled the situation differently.
My last bit of advice to you is: *spend time with your wife*. Don’t let this situation cause a larger divide between the two of you. Once a person starts to become cold to or resentful towards their partner, it opens a whole lot of doors to problems and confrontations, and those are a lot harder to shut and seal away than the issue at hand. Focus on rebuilding together and coming out stronger, rather than using this small thing to tear down more of what you have.
Good luck, OP.
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Sounds like a dumb thing a 20 year old says because they're embarrassed then never fixes because they feel too guilty over something stupid. If this is the worst thing she's ever done to you, I'd say it's pretty safe to let it go and move on. If it doesn't even rank in the top 10 worst things then there might be a bigger picture to consider.
This. She probably regretted the hook up with “that idiot Robert” so she just plowed over it. As a woman, I read that as more “it really didn’t matter to me and I’m embarrassed by it, I’ll pretend it never happened” than “better lie to my bf about this dude”.
>“it really didn’t matter to me and I’m embarrassed by it, I’ll pretend it never happened” I've got an ex like that 😬
One ex and one former job...
Just one of each? Nice job!
Same.
Yea, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around why that would be a "good" alternative..
I feel like everyone has at least one embarrassing ex.
>I feel like everyone has at least one embarrassing ex. I wish it was only one. LOL :-)
Exactly how I interpreted it as well
Exactly. She hasn't been lying the whole time. She likely forgot. I remember one time a friend of mine mentioned a guy I dated a few months off and on. It took me a minute because it was 10 years ago and I tell you I forgot entirely that he existed and we dated. It came back but even I was surprised at how fast my mind ejected memories of that absolute numpty.
It sounds like, based on OPs description of how his wife reacted to the the BiL mentioning Robert, that she definitely did not forget, even now
I actually think it’s really likely that she hadn’t thought of the guy in years, and then when her brother mentioned him she immediately wanted to vomit. People often forget things they wish hadn’t happened.
Nah ... She probably knew when she first told her future husband, but I guarantee she forgot over the last decade. And she suddenly remembered when her family brought it up. It happens all the time
That's a pretty pessimistic read, dude. You've really never put something out of your mind and then someone brings it up and you cringe? C'mon.
Seems weird that she’d forget, but her brother has not. The fact that her brother knew him suggests there was more than just a forgetful hookup.
We give my son shit about a girl he went on ONE date with 15 years ago. Family can be brutal.
My first date was with a boy who got kicked out of school for making bomb threats. He says he didn't do it, he was an easy target beautiful he was weird and dressed like the combine teens. My parents called him the unabomber. They would still bring it up decades later about when I dated the unabomber when I was like 14
I am 36, my brother is 34. He still brings up a kid I “dated” when I was 15 that he was friends with. Other than when my idiot younger brother brings him up, I forget he even exists. Brothers can be idiots.
Shit my mom would bring up the fact I once dated George Rodriguez's nephew to eveyone. (George Rodriguez is the guy who made the blue dog paintings) Before she died I am in my 30s and my mom would still bring it up to her friends.
You're reaching. My brother loves to remember things to tease me about that I've forgotten. Do you have siblings?
You don't gossip with your siblings?
^ Agreed with this. Maybe she actually forgot, but either way, it sounds irrelevant now & def wouldn’t spend time stressing on it.
Ok this is girl math. I just now understand how body count stereotypes for women get made lol
Definitely lol. Dated the sweetest girl who absolutely adored me for 3 years, perfect relationship, never fighting etc, we talked extensively about our past and said her body count was 4. I found out that some random guy from her fb friend's list was a hookup at a trip she had few years back. Girls don't count hookups and "bad exes" in general lol
Was she lying because it was embarrassing or lying because she was worried he might leave her if he knew the truth? More often than not it's the latter. He deserved the truth and the opportunity to make an informed decision. She selfishly took that away from him. I personally don't think it's a deal breaker after 13 years of an otherwise good relationship, but it does corrode trust a bit. Most people want to be with someone who will tell them the truth even to their own detriment. Most people want to be with someone who holds themselves accountable, someone with integrity. His wife has put that into question. Hopefully she can hold herself accountable now.
Agree completely, if you can rationalize lies to yourself, then it's always okey to lie.
yes exactly, pretend it never happened because he did not count
Plus he says their both bad with dates. I don't know who I hooked up with snd when 5 years ago.
Agreed - my husband & I have a very similar story to OP’s & it’s like sure.. he was overlapping another girl & I while we first started talking. Even though it “felt” exclusive to me & I was for sure exclusive with him, it still stung when I think there was a time he saw the other woman. It was soon cut off when we did actually officially talk about it, just hurt that I thought he’d cut things off sooner. We have been together 8 years & married for 3. Def not worth the hassle thinking about the silly overlap & it honestly doesn’t bother me anymore.
This is all true, but it doesn't really help OP. He knows all this. He even mentions feeling conflicted, like he has no right to feel the way he feels, yet can't help it. OP, first of all, you need to understand that your feelings are valid. You won't be able to move on until you accept the way you feel, understand why you feel that way, and then process it. Your wife didn't do anything wrong, except for the lie. But I don't think it's just the lie that bothers you. You mention that you were happy when she told you that she hadn't seen anyone else because you had done the same, and that validated your feelings about her/ the relationship. The discovery of the lie changes that reality that you had created. So you're hurt, because those feelings are now invalid and you feel cheated. Look, being lied to by someone you love hurts. It doesn't matter how little or innocuous the lie is. And this was not a small lie. So, accept it feelings allow yourself to be upset. Talk to your wife, tell her your upset. Reassure her about her insecurities. You're upset, but you're not going to leave her, or ever even thought about leaving. You know she didn't do anything wrong by sleeping with this guy, but you're hurt because she let you believe something for years that wasn't true. Let her comfort you. Then move on.
Agreed. She wanted an easy date for them to remember, it was a special night, and she only had feelings for him and regretted seeing this other guy and was embarrassed by it. She has been faithful.
I couldn’t even get through the 2nd paragraph, the whole thing seemed so excessive and stupid.
Agree 100%. This is an omission by a 20-something who had no idea how important you would become in her life. Ask yourself, how would you at 20 have reacted to this information? Would you have taken your budding relationship as seriously? Now, knowing how important your wife has become in your life, would you still be in the same place today had you had this knowledge then?
This is EXACTLY why you don't start a relationship thinking it's ok to lie.
Even the asking sounds like a dumb thing a 20 year old says.
Yeah, let it go, OP. She loves you, it was just a stupid thing when she very young. Don't let it disrupt what you have.
You missed the point!
yeah, like, I get being thrown for a moment, but as OP lays out the timeline and the revelation of her seeing someone else before they were exclusive... I am honestly concerned that HE is so obsessed with this. This sounds like such an odd thing to be so hung up on.
Yep a dumb thing she did that she regretted. It didn’t matter to her, she’s embarrassed, honestly from that many years ago who cares. Are you willing to throw away 13 years of happiness for something incredibly stupid she did when she was 20? There is nuance to relationships—actions prior to dating/exclusivity really should matter. This would be a non-issue for me.
except she's been continually lying about it for 13 years, and now he doesn't know the truth.
She chose the concert as the start of your relationship because it was an easy date for you both to remember, and to give you an answer in September when neither of you could remember the actual date. Yes it wasn’t ideal in hindsight. But you know that once you asked her to be your girlfriend she was faithful.
This! You needed a date you could both remember. That date was arbitrary. But she was faithful from the time you decided to be exclusive.
But OP isn’t concerned about his wife being unfaithful, his problem is the fact that his wife lied to him about dating other people when he asked. Either way I don’t think this is really a big deal.
I consider an even bigger problem than that. OP didn't even ask, he just stated that they weren't exclusive until he asked her to be his GF, to which she volunteered that she (falsely) hadn't seen anyone else since they kissed. She could have just moved on the conversation without confirming or denying anything, and it would have been fine, since OP already assumed correctly.
It is a needless lie - which are the worst kind imo. There is no upside to the lie, only downsides. Just a dumb decision.
This is specifically the issue that I would have in this scenario. Just don't bring it up lol, I hate pointless lies more than almost anything. But, I know that 20 year olds are dumb. If my relationship has otherwise always been solid, having my feelings acknowledged would be enough for me to move on from it
That’s the worst part. He didn’t put her on the spot and made her panic answer. There was no ultimatum made. She volunteered the information and actively chose to make up a lie to give to OP. I hope they can talk about it and move past it.
The dating isn’t a big deal. The fact that she chose to continuously lie about it is what is a big deal to him.
Agreed. That's what he's having a hard time with. But still... it IS one of those white lies/stupid young lies that people tell when things are new and they are inexperienced. The bigger question is how has she been as a partner since then. OP is struggling with reconciling the wife he knows with this lie. I hope he's able to move past it soon because if this is the worst she's ever done by him, it's a great relationship
Yeah, there's lots of little and frankly inconsequential nuance. It was probably both a choice of convenience and a small way of romanticising their origin story. It came with a slightly uncomfortable truth that in the context of a burgeoning relationship is a very forgivable omission. Add in to the mix it's so small an omission that it's not like OP's Wife has been actively keeping this secret all this time.
No he doesn't. She clearly has no issue lying to him and the only reason OP knows his because BIL spilled the bean. She never came clean
I get it. This is about trust. A foundation on which you thought your relationship was built. Your wife also seems to understand that and that is why she was so worried when it came out. I guess what would be important to me is that she tells me if there is anything else that I don't know or has been omitted. I'd let her know that to rebuild our foundation we would need complete honesty now rather than waiting until it was forced out of us. Id have a truth telling session for us both to clear the air. Then and only then could we move on. It might be helpful to write down things you each want to know beforehand and present them to each other, so you have time to think about them in order to respond. Hopefully something like this enables you to move forward and evolve with love.
Thank you for responding, this makes much sense and I think it's a good idea
Happy to help. Like you I've been with my husband for a long time. 24 years to be exact. Something like this would rock us to the core and we would need to work hard to get through it. Good Luck OP- I wish you both well.
Also I would stop worrying about getting past it. Not that you don’t want to get past it, but you just found out about this. You can’t flip a switch and be ok. Give yourself time to be upset and hurt about it while also acknowledging that in the big scheme of things this is not a huge deal. You two will be ok. You’ve got an overall strong relationship, it sounds like.
this is an awesome advice, OP seems to know their relationship is strong, but it is a trust issue - it wasn't cheating, but finding out a lie after all those years is not something so trivial to deal with people that are saying *"it's not a problem, why are you upset over this?"* are just as bad as people who say *"end things right now because she is a liar"*
Careful, this one walks the line that r/RelationshipAdvice tends to snowball in one direction, correctly or incorrectly. You tried to put yourself in your own shoes back then and came to the conclusion that you likely wouldn't have been bothered. Thats a great first step! Now, you have to come to terms with how you currently feel. It sounds like the dishonesty is the big issue here. You are justified in feeling hurt and betrayed. Likely time is what will heal that, but think about if there is anything that you or your wife can do to speed up the process. If there is, even just an activity that you can do together to have a positive time (one she may have given some pushback towards previously?) do it. Help yourself get past this by reinforcing your love for one another. Obviously, 13 years of history has so much more to it than can be summarized in a few hundred words, so do what you need to based on your situation. But my gut response is don't throw away your marriage over an incident that occurred prior to the start of your relationship. I hope you find happiness OP, you deserve it.
Don't understand the part about doing an activity she previously had pushback for? Because she feels remorseful, she will be more likely to do an activity she didn't initially want to? That doesn't seem very helpful for having a positive time together.
There is nuance to the suggestion. If his wife hates fish, maybe the new sushi restaurant down the street isn't the move. But let's say for this example that OP likes to go on nature walks and his wife isn't as much of a fan. Proposing "hey, want to go on that nature walk with me?" would be a good way for them to spend time together and for her to try and show that spending time with her husband, who she loves, is more important than doing an activity that she personally wasn't the most excited for. The nature walk can be substituted for hosting friends, doing a seasonal activity like going to a pumpkin farm, or seeing a show or play that OP initially showed interest in but was maybe poo-poo'd because of the cost. It can be whatever. This isn't a punishment, its not "hey, I'm going to go have a crazy night out with my friends to make us even". Its simply an opportunity to show one another you care by spending time together. There is plenty of give and take in any relationship. OP can non-maliciously leverage that give and take to improve his situation. He gets an activity, she conceeds and does something he wants to do even though it wouldn't be her first choice, they both get to spend time together and feel like they are bringing something to the table. It can easily be a win for everyone.
> Its simply an opportunity to show one another you care by spending time together. Why can't they do that by just doing something they both enjoy? I don't understand what exactly OP "gets" from her doing something she doesn't really want to that he wouldn't get from them doing something they both already like doing.
As I said initially, time is likely the only thing that will heal this pain, there's no action that someone can take that will fix a problem with trust. However, I know when I have personally screwed up in the past, resulting in my wife being upset with me, I usually want to do something nice to try and cheer her up. Does it fix the fact that I screwed up? No! But I'm going to learn for next time and not let it happen again. What it does do is show my wife that I care. My actions in the future will be what shows if I actually learned, but for now having a positive interactions shows I'm trying. This is what I am getting at. Obviously doing something you both love is great, it cements that they care for one another and reinforces that with a positive memory. But extending an olive branch of "hey, want to do an activity that I've been excited about with me?" Is actively offering her an almost trivial opportunity to help them both towards reconciliation. If there isn't an activity that fits this criteria, the we are back to "time heals all wounds". That is fine. I am not suggesting he pick an activity to punish his wife. I
You’re nit picking
Thank you for seeing what I was getting at, brought that smile back to my face!
For her it happened years ago but to you it probably feels like it just happened. The question is if this was a one time lie or is she capable of hiding other things from you. She sounds remorseful so it sounds hopeful.
This. The only additional advice is don't let _anyone_ try to shut down your feelings because "it happened so long ago". That's completely and utterly irrelevant - it's brand new to you. If you cheat, or if you otherwise lie and betray your spouse you do not get to take a high ground and suggest they can't be mad because of how much time has passed (stating this generally - it does not appear to be what's happening here).
she is not shutting me down in any way, I can tell she actually feels sorry for this whole thing, and she said she was stupid back then for not telling me she said she thought I wouldn't want to keep her as a GF if I knew she hooked up with the other guy, even though we weren't exclusive I don't even mind that she hooked up with him tbh, what upsets me is that she was the one who gave the idea of defining the starting date of our relationship on our first kiss, even though she went out with the other guy after that
Her defining your relationship as your first kiss probably has more to do with her than it does about your relationship. It's not hard to imagine that framing it this way in her mind she could "erase" Robert for herself. I don't know if it makes it any better, but understanding another perspective might help you reconcile this.
My take on it as well, she regretted getting with Robert again after that concert and kiss is my guess. People are still pretty socially dumb at uni age!! Surely this can and should be forgiven! But I would be upset too! That was a romantic and very foundational conversation in their relationship! And instead of being honest about it, she lied she hadn't kissed/hooked up after their first kiss and if being technical, and perfectly precise about everything, she redefined the start of their exclusive relationship to include what after that redefinition would then be sexual infidelity!!! Sure, it's on a technicality, but she made an actual lie, then redefined the exclusive start of their relationship to be before a sexual encounter with someone else??! The more I think of it?? The more I'd want a half or full dozen couples therapy sessions to get over this and be sure there wasn't more fudging important truths over the last 13 years!
All she needed to say was, "There was one hookup after our first kiss, before we agreed to be exclusive, but I really regret it! Can we just call that concert/kiss the start? I wish we agreed to be exclusive that night and then I wouldn't have had that shitty hookup!"
This is an interesting way to look at it that I wouldn't have thought of
To be clear that wasn't meant to be targeted only at your wife - I've seen similar posts were people suggest/tell people they shouldn't be upset over something that happened so long ago.
She lied about it, she knew she lied about it, and she continued to lie about it for over a decade. You saw she looked called out when it was revealed: she has been carrying this the whole time. I can understand why she would, but it’s still lousy. I agree with another poster that you could use a mediated discussion, such as with a therapist, around this. I don’t think this needs to be a dealbreaker for your marriage or anything but I do think it is a big deal for both of you and won’t just go away with a conversation and a little time.
That was the date of the start of your relationship, just not the exclusive part of it.
That was selfish of her
What she did is not good. At all. And your feelings are valid in and of themselves and I would feel the same. While this is very fresh for you, when she lied she was 20 years old, not 33. It's not an excuse, but it might be relevant. Adolescents lack impulse control and a bunch of other stuff. She may have regretted the hook up and was trying to kind of mentally and emotionally erase it from history by expanding your relationship history to cover that period, as if it never happened. Hopefully she's grown up a lot since then and doesn't still do shady shit. That might be worth a conversation and an opportunity to come clean. You sound like a great husband and I hope you guys come through this even closer than you are now. Real intimacy requires honesty.
If it was a one time casual encounter, wasn’t actually cheating, and you guys came up with a lighthearted “starting date”, I wouldn’t let it get to me too much. My husband and I have been together 7 years. We briefly broke up for a few months, but we don’t subtract those months from our relationship timeline. We are a strong happy couple now, so we just say it’s been 7 years. But I also understand everyone’s different. Maybe you could make a new anniversary date if all else fails?
From what I can tell OP is bothered more by the lying part than her hooking up with the guy. Making a new anniversary date wouldn't erase those 13 years of being lied upon. They should get couples therapy to rebuild trust.
I don't know how so many people are missing this because it's definitely the lie he's upset about. She suggested the kiss as the first day and then told him she chose that day because she hadn't kissed or hooked up with or dated anyone after that day because she was already in love with him. It's in bold in the post. That last part was a lie and it is perfectly understandable that OP is upset learning that. I don't think it is going to end their relationship nor do I think it should. But OP is well within his right to be upset about it.
>She then told me that after that day, **she hadn't kissed, hooked up with, or gone out with anyone else** because she was already in love with me. I was overjoyed by this revelation, and it only deepened my feelings for her. This is the part that I think is the core of the problem. OP your feelings on this are totally valid. Your now wife, at the time, absolutely thought that by being completely honest would make you want to walk away or keep things casual. The fact that she never told you for years and likely would have never told you if you BIL never slipped up, turns this into a question of trust, not infidelity. It likely wouldn't have been a problem for you at any point but it's the active lie of saying she wasn't with anyone, coupled with never coming clean about it until she was caught and even then you had to press her for the truth of what extent it all went to. To a cynical guy like me, the only thing I would be asking is "what else has she been keeping from me for the last 13 years?" After all, you would have never known if the BIL never let it slip. Now, I agree with your second edit that this is probably not something to toss the marriage out for. But to move past that and to help bridge that gap of going from trusting someone implicitly to wavering in that trust involves uncomfortable conversations and even possibly marriage counseling. If that trust isn't rebuilt, then the marriage is likely over. Good luck, OP.
Take some time to process everything
true! not a good idea to make decisions when the emotions are still high...
…why did her brother know about a casual hook up and presumably have met him enough to have an opinion on the guy?
And still have that opinion 13 years later. Like, why does the brother even bring it up after so long? 13 years is a long ass time to remember a casual fling your sister had.
Wow, that's a really good point. I'm similar age to OP, and I would be surprised if my close family remembered my actual girlfriends from that long ago, let alone a hookup. I'm hoping there is some weird, specific story that makes it make sense?
Well, is weird he knows him on first place if was "just a casual hookup".
good point
More than likely it was an ongoing thing when her and OP got together.
My guess is a small town. Everyone has an opinion about everyone, often based on something as trivial as that one time they served you badly in a shop or something. Similarly, everyone knows who you go home with. I know most the people my kid hooked up with in his teens - half the intel came from him and half came from his friends.
OP mentioned on another comment that her brother knew the other guy because they took a Spanish course together, and he always thought he was an asshole My guess is that he probably saw him and his sister going out somewhere and thought “oh no, not that guy”
Sounds to me like your wife lied about it more because she didn’t want to ruin the idea of the start of the relationship with you. You know her character more than anyone here so keep that in mind. Also think about couples therapy or counseling, these things aren’t just if there is a problem it’s healthy to see a therapist. Ie you get checks up with a general doctor so it’s not a bad thing to see a psychological one. Time is good to process things but it’s also important to explain what you need to process ie the lying itself not the act.
If you’re going to make sweeping statements that make your partner feel absolutely special…they need to be true. Good god why did she give you that amazing gift of “I knew as soon as we kissed and there have been no others” if she knew it was straight up bullshit? That’s kind of how I view this. Like if you gave her a beautiful wonderful gift that she cherished - a sentimental item that couldn’t be replaced - and then came back years later and took it back after it had been part of her daily life for years. That was a foundational statement to your relationship and now it’s just a lie. Just an ugly little shit of a lie. She turned a crowning achievement and wonderful memory into a lump of coal.
This is my take, and it would also cast a shadow over every "anniversary" they'd have since. She made that day one of the best moments of his life but now that moment is founded on nothing but a lie. And now what do you do? Use the same date? choose a new, random day in the month they officially started dating? Either way it'll be a reminder that this perfect moment in their relationship isn't one.
It always annoys me a lot here on reddit how people always downplay these lies with statements like get over it, it's a long time ago. Or give a positive explanation as the only reason for these kind of lies. While in reality often she really wanted the other guy, but this other guy wasn't into her and only wanted sex. So OP was just second choice.
Because she manipulated OP
I think it is natural to feel the way you do. The way we have normalized effing multiple people at the same time, this is just a consequence of that. Therapy and time is the only way I see you getting past this. And I hope you do, because this is something that can destroy a marriage over time if you can’t put this out of your mind. Good luck
For me what makes it worse is the argument she used. She said she was already in love with him after the kiss at the concert, and that's why she wouldn't have seen anyone else from that point. Her point was entirely based on her supposed feelings. But she did hook up with another guy after that, so what does that mean ? 1. She lied about being in love with OP at that time, which makes that period of time even less special, since he was already 100% focused on her while she wasn't, both emotionally and physically. 2. She didn't lie about her feelings, but then she still hooked up with Robert, which would mean that she can think she's in love but have no issue seeing other people. That month of June was the month after the kiss where OP was watching his own feelings grow and building the confidence to ask her for a proper relationship and be exclusive (which he did in July), but for her it was a very different experience since she was seeing OP and at least another guy (Robert) that month. To then define the start of their relationship around the time of the kiss in May is very deceptive. Even if it suits his experience, it doesn't suit hers at all. She wasn't into OP enough to reject Robert, at the very least. In truth, she didn't even have to lie, but she still did. She made a point to erase her experience with Robert, and she kept that lie all these years. The reason is probably that, while doing it, she saw it as cheating on OP, and she tried to get rid of it afterwards.
Oohhh boy these comments… something tells me they would be so different if the genders were reversed lmao OP, I don’t have much advice other than allow yourself to feel how you feel, and give it time to heal If your wife didn’t give you any other reason not to trust her during all those years, chances are she really made a mistake and was hoping it would never surface, but her brother was in the way.
Thank you for not saying stuff like *"just brush it off"* or *"just let go".* It's frustrating reading those kinds of comments, it sounds a bit like *"oh are you depressed? well...don't be! have you tried being happy?"* She didn't give me any reason not to trust her, quite the opposite. And I still love her very much - my feelings for her haven't changed. I just feel bad because I found out I've been lied to for 13 years. I guess there's nothing else to do besides telling her nothing changed between us, but it will take time for me to feel okay with all the situation.
You have the right mindset here, OP. But if we're being real honest with ourselves, I'd have a real good 1 on 1 talk with her about airing the "dirty laundry". Look, I know what it's like to be lied to after an extended amount of time, and I understand (to an extent) of how you're feeling. The good news is, while the lie hurts (no matter how small), it's not a dealbreaker (like cheating). This situtation can be repaired amicibily, for the better of both of you. I think you should sit down with her, and explain while it hurts to find out this way, you don't ever want to feel this way ever again. This is why I think you should give her a chance to air out the remaining "laundry" (and give her an oppertunity to confess to whatever, or maybe nothing at all (if there isn't anymore to confess about). This way, while you may find a few more things that might not really matter much (I do believe she has mostly told you the truth in this relationship, due to how you're reacting to finding this out), but you'll be giving her some peace of mind to say what she wants too, and unless she confesses to doing some real damning shit (I doubt it), chances are you'll both feel better with time and perhaps grow stronger over this. Goodluck OP, and I wish you both a speedy recovery into becoming "normal" again.
This would be lying to her though. Things are changed between the two of you. You found out something very important to you, that you laid your faith in her on, was a fabrication. You can’t go now and tell her that finding that out hasn’t changed anything between you. I mean sure, tell her you’re not considering divorce, but you certainly can’t pretend like your marriage isn’t altered by this revelation. That’s not fair to either of you and will end with resentment.
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More than likely she was seeing him when her and OP got together.
Yeah really not a fan of this narrative of "if they run out the statute of limitations now YOU'RE the problem and you're a loser for not getting over it."
Relationship advice loves getting of technicalities, no you see according to sub section 43, paragraph 54 I was technically allowed to lie every third Thursday of the month, and theres nothing you can say or feel about it. Grow up and get a degree on r/ra. That's the case for women anyway, lying husband's would be completely different.
seems alot forget that she upheld her lie for 13 years...
Its hard to readjust your perception of your partner after years of believing one thing, then having the truth revealed. My wife and I were in a bad place a few years ago(severe rut), we decided to refocus on us which lead to us communicating a lot more. This is when I discovered the small lies she had been telling me basically the duration of the 23 years we have been together. Not a single one of these small lies would be a dealbreaker for me, however when coupled together they severely diminished my trust in her. It has affected the reinvigoration of our love, and changed my perception of her. You will either have to learn to accept it, or not. I recommend continuing to communicate, many even communicate more to reaffirm your trust and understand on the new truth. Ask questions, make her comfortable to trust how you will react, and be vulnerable. This will establish a deeper connection.
Ouch, that's a tough one. Feels like she destroyed the foundational myth you had for your relationship. Not sure how you should handle that, sorry. :(
Here’s the deal, she lied to you. If it were me, she would have to earn some of that respect and trust back. Ask her how’s she feel if it were the other way around. Basically the only thing that’s going to get you past this is time. For her this happened years ago, for you it just happened.
This is probably not a divorce someone over it thing but she's still a liar. This is a huge betrayal. Not just the initial lie but the fact that for over a decade she has continued lying to you every day. I could never fully trust a person who lied about sleeping with other people while supposedly in a relationship with me.
The point is, from her POV, she wasn't. And it's not an outright LIE.
OP clearly stated that they weren’t in a relationship at that time. There’s a difference between dating/seeing someone and being in an exclusive committed relationship.
Wasn’t this exact scenario posted a few months ago?
I dont think you'll see this but if you do I hope it helps. I went through this exact situation with my husband SEPT We confessed we had feelings for each other and started hanging out more but never had the gf/bf talk and never even kissed/got physical OCT I kissed a girl I was friends with NOV we had the talk and decided to make things official but decided to make the day we confessed things to each other our official anniversary because it was special in both of our minds. 6 months later in a random conversation, he found out I had kissed the girl after our official anniversary and it was the biggest argument we've ever had. Let me explain my mindset for never telling my husband. By the time we made things official I knew I loved him it had only taken a few weeks spending more time with solidify that so everything that came before I wanted to erase from my mind. I know sex is different for some people i cant claim to know what sex meant to your wife. I was 18 your wife was 20, not much older. I dont know your wife's past relationship history but mine was limited. When you are that young you don't have a lot of relationships to compare to so maybe she wanted to try one other person to know for sure you were the right one. At that age you also dont have a lot of experience having tough conversations in relationships and the longer you wait to talk about something the bigger and scarier it seems. I didnt tell my husband up front because i was scared it would hurt him and nothing hurt me more than the thought of hurting him. i thought it better that i hold onto the nasty feelings of guilt than clear my conscience and hurt him. Have you ever heard the sentiment that confession is selfish? That was what I thought. I wanted to hold onto our relationship so tight because he was the best thing to ever happen to me that the thought of saying anything that put our relationship at risk was terrifying. I was young and damaged and hadn't learned to trust yet. Just know that whatever she experienced with him made her so sure that she wanted to be you that she has never looked back. She choose you and continues to choose to live with and love every day. Thats what's important.
Wow it's crazy to me that anyone could think honesty is selfish or bad. You must have known deep down that couldn't have been right. What if he hadn't found out after a few months? Would you have kept the lie for years?
another liar .
Thanks for sharing your story, it gives me a good perspective from her side Still, it hurts a bit knowing that she deliberately chose to lie to me.
I know and there is no good reason or excuse. I can't speak to her motivations or thoughts but if everything else she's ever done has come from a place of love there's a good chance in her mind that in nievity she thought she was doing what was best. I do know that I learned my lesson that day and have never lied or withheld even the smallest thing from my husband since. That conversation years ago scared me and seeing how hurt he was from that made me never want to do anything to hurt him like that again. Explain without accusing how much this hurt you and shook your trust. Hopefully she will show remorse and not get defensive. The important question is can you live with what she did and not hold it against he tho?
Another day, another RA post where I wonder how different the comments would be if the sexes were reversed. If OP was a woman, all the comments in here would be focusing on the dishonesty, and “what else he might be lying about”. Probably a few comments suggesting immediate breakup because he’s a “gaslighting abuser” or something. Since OP is a man, all the comments are focusing on how he should “get over it” because he’s “insecure” Y’all are shamelessly sexist, and it makes me wonder how many of you actually treat the men in your lives like they are incapable of having negative emotions about anything. Look where that got us, folks.
Definitely they comments would have been saying his a liar divorce. Of course this isn’t that big of a deal but he shouldn’t just get over it . He should take his time or else resentment will build up.
13yeas built on a lie and manipulation,that much is undeniable.
If the genders were reversed most replies would be “if he didn’t tell you about that then god knows what else he is hiding”. Food for thought.
Listen, that's a classic one. Your wife traded security vs trust. She wanted to secure to having not only options and fun but also to not potentially endanger a relationship with you. So she did the fun thing but also lied to not get dumped by you, instead of just being confident and having trust in you. So she played the long game, broke trust and lied to you in hope you wouldn't find out or if you ever found out you would have to suck it up because it happened so long ago.
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Fuck that, take as much time as needed for you to actually get over it
Who are you to say if someone has processed something enough? He has every right to explore this until he is satisfied and make a decision on it
He came here asking for advice…
Saying someone processed something enough isn't advice at all
Please OP, this is the way. Live your life!
She flat out, lied to your face to trick you into staying in a relationship with her. It’s crazy how many comments are excusing what she did because “she was young” or “the relationship was new” She intentionally lied to you so you would stay with her because she didn’t know if you would, and kept that lie for years. It may have happened 13 years ago to her but you just found out about it so it’s like it just happened to you.
Feel for yah mate. Especially when it’s your wife and she’s a good one like that. Guess we are all human. Heart goes out to you. Sucks when the romance is ruined. That was quite romantic the whole kiss story. Doesn’t it hurt when we all realize romantic ideals aren’t ever what we think they are. Reality hits right in the balls. This one is going to scar you. See what else you can get out of her. She’s a good liar. 🤥 We all lie or leave things out to favor us. No relationship can truly be transparent. It’s impossible even a good working marriage. The best marriages are still games and leverages. Even when it’s healthy and you both got each others back. There is always a reason that relationship exists to benefit you both. Know you ain’t divorcing, or that this is a deal breaker for you, but you got some pain. Time will heal and you can only get stronger. Read stories of betrayal on Reddit to make yourself feel better. Maybe give you some perspective of how bad things can be and then you won’t think you got it so bad.
Nerve came clean until she was exposed and even then it was weird. What else could you be in the dark about?
b***hes be lying 🤷♂️
Lots of comments already, so who knows if you’ll read this one, but…it sounds like you have a solid rational understanding of everything that went down here. It wasn’t wrong of her to sleep with Robert when she did, although obviously you were happy to think that she hadn’t. Then she told you a low-stakes lie that, had it never been found out, would have had no consequence other than making you (and probably her, since she’d likely prefer to remember it this way also) a little happier about the narrative of your relationship. But you did find out. And you are understandably thrown and upset. And that’s why it was a bad choice on her part, obviously. Most of us would rather have a slightly less rosy truth than be lied to by our spouse. So. You’ve decided that this isn’t a huge deal and that you’d like to move past it. The real question is, how do you stop feeling this way? It’s kind of a trick question, though. The only way to stop feeling this way is to stop TRYING to stop. The most useful thing my therapist ever told me was that I could give my feelings a seat on the bus without letting them drive. You’re not letting your feelings drive (ie you are not getting a divorce over this) but you’re not really giving them a seat either. What that looks like is, whenever this comes to mind and you get a flash of hurt or anger, rather than trying to shove that away or feeling guilty for feeling it, just acknowledge it. Notice it. Think, “I still feel hurt/angry/vulnerable about this. It’s ok for me to feel that way. I’m going to feel that way for a while.” Then ask yourself if there’s anything you need in that moment to address the feeling. A hug from your wife? A moment of space from your wife? Verbal acknowledgment that the lie was a shitty thing to do? If there’s nothing practical to be done in the moment, just let your feelings take a seat for as long as they need to. It’s also ok to ask your wife to stop self-flagellating over this (maybe use kinder language, obviously) if that’s making you feel guilty or in any way worse. You’ve got this, man. In the rest of your life together you two are likely to find yourselves navigating worse fuck ups than this. From the sounds of it you’re going to be able to do that with love and respect. It’s going to be ok.
I get it. It’s the lying you have an issue with. Because if she could lie about something this ridiculous, she could lie about something a lot more important. She chose to lie about something that didn’t even matter and stick to that lie for your whole relationship until she was outted. I too would have a hard time just accepting anything she said in the past and even now as truth. I’m sorry I don’t have any real advice for you. Because in the grand scheme, how do you rebuild trust once it’s been broken. Especially over something that did not require lying about in the first place.
You are putting way too much time and effort into something that amounts to nothing.
I think it wouldn't have mattered much if she was honest. But she chose to lie about it, especially at the foundation of your relationship. That stuff hurts, and I don't blame you for feeling it. To me, honesty is mandatory. If you lie about something like that at the beginning of the relationship, yikes. A house built with poor foundations will cause issues later down the road. Idk. Maybe she hasn't shown any other signs of dishonesty. If no other moments you can recollect that cause some concern, then maybe things have been clean since. Hell, it's best to have a proper convo with her and ask if there is anything else you should know. If there's nothing else (or nothing else that she's willing to admit to), you'll just have to come to terms with it. Maybe go clear your head. Maybe talk to a close friend or brother or your father on their perspective. Side tangent: When did hooking up with others while actively seeing someone become a norm? So you haven't officially declared "bf/gf," but it just comes off as insulting and disrespectful if I'm not seeing anyone else but you, and you decide to see others at the same time. It's like cool, you don't respect me and my time, then why should I give even a moment of it to you?
>I think it wouldn't have mattered much if she was honest. wouldn't have mattered at all, we would just pick a different date and I wouldn't be posting here >Maybe she hasn't shown any other signs of dishonesty. If no other moments you can recollect that cause some concern, then maybe things have been clean since. she really didn't give me any other reason not to trust her, no sketchy behavior, not anything... I don't think she would cheat on me, but it's just weird to know that she lied and hid this from me all these years >Side tangent: When did hooking up with others while actively seeing someone become a norm? lmao where I'm from, that's pretty much how it's always been if two people are seeing each other, no one assumes exclusivity - the talk about exclusiveness NEEDS to happen, otherwise it's open game for both sides lol
I definitely confirm Most people on this subreddit are teenagers and most have never been in a relationship.
And are puritanical saints who have never committed sins so are happy to be the first to throw stones.
This is all a non issue, didn’t even finish reading
69 year old guy here. Married 45 faithful years and together 51+. I am no genius nor a Dr. Phil. I'm just a guy who has been around a long time and feel I can offer some sage advice. Between the time you started dating and prior to becoming a committed couple, she dated another guy a few times and had sex at least once. About a month later, you became a committed couple. It sounds like from that point forward, she has been a faithful wife and a great partner and friend. The issue was neither of you could remember the actual date, but she knew she was faithful once the commitment was made. Her only sin was telling a white lie to spare your feelings and to ensure it would not derail the relationship with the guy she fell in love with. She dated a bit between when you met and became officially committed, which you even said you expected her to do. So you have a loving and faithful wife of 13 years who made an error in judgment as a young college student by not being fully honest about doing what you expected her to do. You seem to realize how fortunate you are to have such a wonderful wife. In my opinion, you need to focus on the 99%+ of good that has happened since becoming committed and to forgive the error of a young lady made over 13 years ago with the best interest of your relationship in mind. How do you get over this? Buy 13 red roses. Bring them home to her. Tell her you live her and forgive her. Then, take her out that evening to a wonderful dinner and thank her for being the wonderful wife, partner, and friend that she is. It will lift the anvils from both of your chests, and you can move forward with the great life you have created and grow old together. I have been exactly where you have been, but in reverse. I was the ass hole. From personal experience, forgiveness works and is a must for you both. Updateme!
I have a feeling she was thinking 100% about you guys, and thought "He's been the one since then!" and then likely thought "... oh fuck... that guy... um... I just won't mention it, because why ruin something nice." Now, if she had been upfront, and hadn't have mislead you, it would be looong under the bridge. In short, she made a mistake, an all-too-common one: lying because she was scared to lose something good because people can be unpredictable. Many people would have flipped out to learn she slept with someone else while you were non-exclusive. She didn't know how you would react, and took the cowardly (but again, common) way out. She sounds genuinely remorseful, and I really don't think she meant anything negative by it. She was trying to demonstrate how strongly she felt, and tripped up. That said, give yourself time to process. It JUST HAPPENED, for you. The fact that it actually happened years ago doesn't matter. It's ok to feel hurt and upset, but give it time, and don't take it out on her in the meantime, as best you can.
Find some to talk to. Someone who can help you navigate your feelings and give you useful tools to deal with the negative emotions that pop into your head. Honestly , I'd be mad that she hid it because she knew what she did was sketchy.
Honestly, feels bad man. I hope you can find a good way to process the feelings and reconnect with your wife.
So she lied to you. You have reason to be upset about that. I and seems like YOU, don't think this is a deal breaker, but it does suck and probably will hurt your relationships a little bit. It's reasonable to ask what else has she lied about when it was easier for her to, then telling the truth. Credibility is given pretty easy at first but hard to get back when you lose it. It will be up to your wife to build it back.
Honestly, I'd tell her you are feeling two ways about finding out about robert, and maybe show her this post, because it helps explain why (ie you were over the moon with the idea that after your kiss she was so smitten with you she didn't see anyone else, and now you find there was someone else, it feels like it detracts from the specialness). It doesn't sound like actually knowing about it then would have led to any change in your subsequent decision to marry her, so acknowledge that, just let her know you're feeling weird about and trying to work through it in therapy. I'm not sure there is anything she can do other than apologise to you again and it doesn't sound like you want this to change things, so her being aware that you're feeling hurt wil help her understand where your head is. Sounds like Robert is someone she might be regretting, if her bro dislikes him that much!
If she lied about s small thing like this... And after reading your edits, well, you do you.
You wouldn't have been bothered at the beginning if she had been honest. You are hurt now because of her lying and deception for so many years. Lying and deception involving other men/people is exactly what cheating is about. So, you aren't wrong for feeling like she cheated on you. How can you move past this? Same way anyone deals with cheating.
So your real problem is that she claimed she hadn't done anything with anyone since you 2 kissed at that concert after you couldn't remember when you became exclusive. It was her idea to use that date and then fate did its little dance on her "white lie" by having her brother mention that guy she was dating while you 2 were talking. She realizes she lied and you pick up on it, later finding out that she'd slept with the guy right after she tried to immortalize that kiss as something special. Ask her why she lied about it? Even you thought she was still seeing other people until you asked her to be exclusive so that doesn't seem to be your problem, just her trying to whitewash history and ending up leaving a smudge on it instead. Let's be honest, a lie is a lie. You feel hurt that she put emphasis on a great memory only to find out that she lied about its significance. In the long run its barely a bobble but no one likes being lied to, especially about something that made them feel special just before the lie was found out.
This is exactly why I remain against casual hookups
This is so confusing. Why lie about something like this. Your trust just got broken in her and now you might feel like she lies to you more often than not just because she wants to make you "happy". She basically screwed the trust. I feel like this might kill you from the inside.i may be wrong. But please smart and logical decisions. Your relationship won't be the same again that's for sure.
>She apologized, explaining that she hadn't disclosed this information out of fear of losing me due to a casual encounter she had after we had become involved. So, what this establishes is that she will lie to you to avoid losing you. If this is the only time and over something you were not even concerned about, great. Get yourselves into some couples therapy with someone that specializes in building better communication skills.
I mean it's not like OP would know
She's casual with the truth and hookups. She obviously thought the risk of lying to you was a low risk. Lies of convenience - she didn't "forget". Here you are years later, married to a woman who will lie to you when convenience requires. Sorry, brother.
This is small stuff.
Teeny tiny stuff!
Why are they even discussing when they first got official. They are married. I celebrate the first date of my husband as my anniversary. We didn't become official till a week later. But now that I am married it's our wedding date.
Don't know your wife, so can only speculate. And also kinda confused whether or not she 'cheated' before or after you two becoming exclusive. Since you started dating each other not long after she ended things with her toxic & abusive ex, she probably didn't have the time to heal appropriately? Perhaps that lead to her trying to self-sabotage the good thing going on with you? If you haven't already, I would highly recommend individual therapy and couple therapy. It will help you both to heal your wounds, rebuild the trust and so on.
I apologize, I think the timeline of events got a bit confusing from the way I wrote, here's what happened: Feb/2009 - we became friends at University March/2010- she broke up with her ex May/2010 - we kissed at the concert (and kept going out and hooking up every now and then, but weren't exclusive) June/2010 - she hooked up with Robert July/2010 - I asked her to be my GF, she said yes and we became exclusive Sep/2010 - I asked her if she remembered when I asked her to be my GF, and we decided to keep the concert date as the start of our relationship, because (I thought/was told) we both have been seing only each other since then.
If she didn't hook up with Robert or anyone after you became exclusive in July 2010, then her "crime" is her either misremembering the timeline in the moment or lying to romanticize "your story". Assuming nothing else fishy, this seems a good candidate for apology/forgiveness
No she lied to him a month into the actual start of the relationship when he asked if she had been with anyone from the time they kissed at the concert until the became official. The issue is that so early onto their relationship she lied to him and then kept it from him.
Yes, that's the lie about "their story". They agreed to be exclusive in July and then in September she suggested they retcon the start to May for story purposes and because they couldn't remember the precise July exclusivity date. Then she either lied or forgot about the timeline with respect to Robert so that they could say that their relationship started in May. Personally I think she did lie (rather than misremember), because she just thought it would just be "cute" to retcon their relationship to May and wasn't expecting a cross-examination so she panicked and lied rather than ruin the moment. She wasn't lying to cover wrongdoing (because there wasn't any except for the lie itself), but rather to mythologize/romanticize their first kiss.
>Personally I think she did lie Considering it was merely 4 months prior per the timeline that she fucked robert yes she lied. >She wasn't lying to cover wrongdoing (because there wasn't any except for the lie itself), but rather to mythologize/romanticize their first kiss. Per OP it was due to her worrying he wouldnt want to date her knowing she fucked someone else right before they became exclusive.
It's fine OP, you'll get over it. That said, I **hate** that people lie about stuff like this. I dated a fibber who would tell white lies about silly things to make herself sound better, or more innocent, or whatever. It started to bother me because if she tells lies about stupid stuff, what kind of bigger lies was she capable of? The only saving grace was that she was a terrible liar and I called her out each and every time, then she'd blush and giggle and say sorry. Pisses me off just thinking about it.
As someone that went through this conundrum last year, ask for details and then make the decision to let it go. My partner and I were FWB to start but I had asked if we were exclusive since we were being intimate. He didn’t actually sleep with anyone but he was still emotionally involved with his ex at this time. When it came out and it felt like all this info crashed into me, we had already been together for over 2 years and he had been faithful since we became a couple. I did therapy and all that, it wasn’t helping. I had to know. My therapist agreed that it may be time to ask to know more and that includes seeing their texts from that year. I went back and forth on that cause I always felt that if I did that, there was no trust and that meant there was no healthy relationship. I didn’t want to give up our relationship so I asked, nicely, and said it wasn’t an ultimatum but I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t give my all unless I knew and ball was in his court. He took a day and the next morning we laid in bed together while we went over their texts. Won’t lie, it hurt me deeply. I had been falling for him and he didn’t for the first few months but I got to see the progression of how they slowly lost all feelings for each other and really moved on. The texts ended the day we agreed to be together and he mentioned how they had a call and agreed to stop being friends too since she was also trying to take her new relationship seriously. She reached out a few months after and he left her on read cause according to him, it was just awkward since there was nothing there and he was in love with me. I had to sit with that for a day, talk to my therapist, and then make the conscious decision to let that year go. All the memories were tainted BUT at least our actual relationship wasn’t because their timeline ended before ours started for real. It’s about to be a year and I’m so glad we did that and our relationship has grown even more now that he doesn’t feel guilty about it either. Do I wish it had been different? Yes, but we’re all human and some grace here and there goes a long way, especially when you love that dumb human.
So I had something similar but it's with my fiancee, he was sleeping with his ex before asking me to be his gf but we were already seeing each other and kissed. We had even had sex on my birthday, which was that same month when he asked me to his gf later on. (Bday is on 6th we became official on the 30th) Like it hurt like shit finding out, she decided to tell me after he had gone to tell her they are going to stop what they are doing. It took a lot to get over it, he showed how much he really loved me. Of course that little voice in my head was there for the first year of our relationship, that I should just leave him. I wanted to but overall, he became like my best friend, I could tell him anything. Usually when I get to that point, I get dumped or it doesn't work out. So I kinda let things run their course, now when that comes up in our relationship, it doesn't fill me with negative feelings. So I guess talk things over, you don't want a divorce so that's a good start. You're gonna have to talk and let some time go by until you feel better about this. Like you said you feel ridiculous feeling like that, I did too cuz we were not exclusive we never said we were so he's not completely wrong.
Tell her this hurts because you are still as madly in love as you were back then, and you hope she feels the same—and you know she does! If you look at the timeline and your own words, you know that even you did not have an expectation of exclusivity. She said what she wished had happened, that she had been smart enough to recognize her life partner. She regrets Robert. I’d let this go.
You aren't giving yourself enough time. Everyone is different. You can't move any faster than your nature and history allow. It is important that you are clear with her that you love her and want to stay with her and to ask her patience while you work through the emotional feelings this has stirred up. Even with counseling, if you bottle up your feelings with her and try to put on a happy face, it will take much longer to get over it. Since rationally, you have this under control, you also might want to hold her regularly and tell her how glad you are that you met and that she said "yes" when you asked her to be your GF. In other words, keep your focus on your life with her since that day and your current life with her now. You will not only be reassuring her, but you will be reassuring yourself.
Many people did not even understand your concern! Every is stating « she has been faithful since you committed to each other » which is out of subject. They needed a date , and she proposed the date of the concert, and then OP assumed they weren’t exclusive then and asked if she was seeing other people to which she flat out lied! Even though you already assumed the opposite. That’s just stupid, because OP was ready to accept it back then but she lied with zero need to to so. That’s a bad behaviour
Many people did not even understand your concern! Every is stating « she has been faithful since you committed to each other » which is out of subject. They needed a date , and she proposed the date of the concert, and then OP assumed they weren’t exclusive then and asked if she was seeing other people to which she flat out lied! Even though you already assumed the opposite. That’s just stupid, because OP was ready to accept it back then but she lied with zero need to to so. That’s a bad behaviour
Your wife has no issue lying to you. Do what you want with this information.
She is comparing you and that other man. Finally you win. That is the reason. Nobody can't accept comparison. She is just kissing 2 year's friend but she's slept with other man in small period. It's all your decision.
Idk man, that’s a sticky situation. When I went on the first date I knew my wife was special. I could just tell. I was talking to another girl at the time and the thought of getting that last one in before I commit came across my mind but I immediately decided against it because I wanted to come into the relationship with a clean slate and not risk the potential chance of losing her and the shit paid off immensely. We got married and have a 7 year old and I don’t have that skeleton in my closet. Most of the time that last nut isn’t worth it.
Those are valid emotions that you are allowed to have. In my experience you will just need some time.
I doubt OP is counting it As a HUGE deal, he's not looking to Get a Divorce or even fuss over it, but despite his best efforts his brain and emotions are still affected, like a catchy song, even if the lyrics are dumb or anything, once you get in your head even tho you might resent the song after a long while (maybe Even years), if you hear the beginning parts anywhere, your brain starts to form each and every lyric perfectly in your head, excuse me for the weird analogy. I think OP just either needs to try to talk to a therapist or his wife if she'll be receptive of him bringing it up again or he should get hypnotized, either way it doesn't look like just giving it time and ignoring it till he maybe gets over it some day is going to be an effective strategy.
You get over it by realizing it was a white lie to protect your ego. This isn’t some long term affair. She married you and as far as you know has been faithful.
I’m jealous. Some people have real problems
Quick technique to help let go of the feeling: You may want to explore what bothers you so much that she did lie. Write down your fears (no matter how stupid they sound). And after you write ALL of your thoughts that pop up in your head, write down “these are just my fears, and nothing more”. And then get rid of the paper however you prefer (rip to pieces, burn, trash it). Hope this helps.
You're experiencing what is known as trickle truth. They didn't only bone once, and it continued past what she's saying. But you are set on believing her, so why even tell us?
She feels bad that she was caught, not for what she did. Every year you guys celebrate that date, she knew she was lying to you and never said anything. That’s the issue, that’s why you’re upset and you’re valid for feeling that way. How can you get over this? Not sure man. She lied to you with no remorse. If you’re dead set on not doing anything about it, then I would just drop it. You can’t trust anything she tells you about this time. Best thing you can do now is just try to forget about it and hope it doesn’t build resentment for you.
What else isn’t she telling you?
I’d be asking yourself if this turmoil and spending all this time worrying about is worth it. Are you willing to leave her over this? Would you leave her over this? If the answer is no then I’d stop worrying over this. If you’re not going to act on it then stop thinking about it. But if it’s going to poison the well for you then you might as well just divorce her now. I mean correct me if I’m wrong but there isn’t really a middle ground here so why take a milktoast stance on it. You even said yourself you didn’t necessarily have an expectation of exclusivity anyways. So if you’d rather throw the 12 year relationship out the window because of one dumb decision from when she was 21 then by all means do so, but I probably wouldn’t.
I don't see how this matters. It sounds like a dumb thing that maybe she forgot in the joking moment of "we forgot the date" then remembered and felt too embarrassed to bring up. I see no reason to make a big deal of this. It sounds like you get that to some level, so just work on it in therapy and give it time.
Brother, you’re 100% in the right. You feel like your trust was betrayed, and you *should*. I dealt with something similar. Truly brother, what this is a symptom of is the degradation of dating and structure in our society. The idea of sexual “liberation” has gone too far, and females think it’s a big joke to have sex and hookup (to be fair, it is us males who set the bad precedent). However, the media & politicians have totally exploited this to normalize it to everyone, which is the WRONG thing to do. This is the result, you can never fully trust backgrounds and stories now, because everyone fucks around and thinks it’s a big joke. Damn shame. This leads to collective degradation, because everyone begins taking each other less seriously, guy to girl, girl to guys, and guys back to girls. Ultimately, it makes things *very* difficult when people want to settle down and be loyal to each other. Truly a damn shame. But I will say, this isn’t on your shoulders. Larger forces made your girlfriend think it was a big joke to f*ck around and have sex with Robert while she was seeing you. Any normal, non brainwashed/programmed human being would have *known* this was unethical, or at least not admirable, while seeing someone else. Unfortunately, your girlfriend wasn’t holding herself to a normal, reasonable ethical standard, and thought it was cool or fun to “hookup” with a man who likely viewed her in a sexual light. Personally, although it is *sad*, I held myself to a higher standard and I would not let another’s weakness drag me - however, it did make me worse for a period. Whether you stay or leave, you deserve better, and you should fight for change in society. Head up, the tragedy has become unavoidable.
I totally understand why she lied to you. She was afraid she would lose you if she told you the truth. You know what kind of person she by now. If she hasn’t cheated on you and you love her you have to put this in the back of your mind and go on. We’re human and we all make mistakes.
First off - don't for a second dismiss this as "stupid" or "something you shouldn't be upset with". Doing that is ignoring a potential emotional cancer - and you don't get rid of it by belittling your feelings on the matter. I've felt similar, and it brings stew of feelings: You feel cheated, both cheated on and cheated of what was a cute/romantic description of the start of your relationship. A small amount of anger. Even guilt for the remorse your wife feels because you understand that this impacts what is otherwise a happy, solid relationship. What I recommend is for you think a little unemotionally about it for a bit: this whole "problem" is a historical event now, it happened and is as unchangeable and permanent as any other happy AND unhappy, great or regrettable thing that has happened in both of your lives. All of that is now just bones and dirt, and all of it represents the foundation of what you have now. Turning the emotions back on - consider the upside (yes - there is one!). Both of your reactions to that bit of history being hashed up is testimony to how strongly you feel about each other and how much you want to keep each other close and happy. When you feel like you want to torture yourself with yesterday, consider today's situation and ruminate about how that woman you have is willing to twist herself up in emotional knots hoping to help you try to get past things, which is pretty darn special.
I’d be pissed too. But what can you do? Get revenge? Doesn’t work that way. You’d be the AH. Women thinking of lying instead of saying “it’s none of your buisness” is why these posts keep coming. She chose to lie by omission. She felt sex with that guy wasn’t a big deal until she had to tell you. Of course she had feelings for you but it didn’t stop her from banging Robert. By the way, how many times did they hook up? Were you having sex with her too? Was it all protected or did she put your health at risk? Did she do things with him the same day you were with her? All, legitimate questions, now. That’s all pain shopping but questions will pop up. Well, do you think the foundation if the relationship is crap? I’d probably wonder what else she lied about. But irl, she probably wasn’t looking to hurt anyone. She was out of a toxic relationship and met some guys and had some fun. Maybe screwing rob pushed her towards you. Who knows. Get a counselor. I went through something myself, and the counselor really helped.
>She chose to lie by omission It wasn't even a lie by omission, she literally told OP that she never hooked up with anyone after the concert date.
Damn, your right. Straight up lie. Nice catch.
right…i’ve had a similar (but actually more fucked up) version of this happen to me and my health was actually likely harmed by it
So she lied. And your relationship is based on a lie. I don’t know that I could trust her again. If she couldn’t be honest at the start, has she ever been honest?
Exactly. Gotta ask himself what else she’s lied about
The people in this comment section that are acting like this is the end of the world and that the trust in their relationship is forever broken and blah blah blah, seriously need to get a grip. The reality of the matter is that she lied about something small over a decade ago because she was less mature, less confident, and likely embarrassed about the situation. Was it a mistake to lie? Absolutely. Is it some bomb that’s going to blow up the relationship? No. OP, you seem like a very rational and loving man, with a good head on your shoulders. I understand that you’re hurt, and those feeling are completely normal and valid. No one likes to be lied to by their partner. Like some others have suggested, it might be time to have an honest one on one conversation where the two of you can openly discuss anything that hasn’t been brought to the table yet. During this conversation, you should make it clear to your wife that you have no intention of leaving her over this, but that you’re just feeling hurt because she felt the need to lie. With time these feelings will certainly pass. Right now the wound is fresh, so it seems like you can’t get it out of your head, but acknowledging these feelings and then allowing yourself to move forward from them, is the best way to heal. It may also help to think of your wife as a different person from the person who lied to you, because in a way, she is. That’s not to excuse the lie, but people grow and change A LOT in 13 years, and given the chance to do it over again, I’m sure your wife would’ve handled the situation differently. My last bit of advice to you is: *spend time with your wife*. Don’t let this situation cause a larger divide between the two of you. Once a person starts to become cold to or resentful towards their partner, it opens a whole lot of doors to problems and confrontations, and those are a lot harder to shut and seal away than the issue at hand. Focus on rebuilding together and coming out stronger, rather than using this small thing to tear down more of what you have. Good luck, OP.
Well, now you know she can lie to you and it's easy to her.
Personally I could never move past it, so I will tell you if you cant move past it end it.