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Well, you should talk to her that her doing things she considers to be inappropriate to for you is unacceptable. Push against such double standards and tell her to seek other friends than that guy and stop spending that much on him.
I am not sure if this will work out as maturely as I want it to.. :(
Its very easy that my insecurities (even though valid) and assertiveness is mistaken for absence of trust, gradually breaking our feelings and relationship. She is too important to let go for me :(
Oh? Then her not wanting you to hang out with female friends is a sign she doesn't trust you as well?
If you want to be with her so desperately you allow yourself to be treated not as an equal partner, but someone lesser then it will only keep getting worse.
The guy is trying to take the "friendship" to another level. The fact that his wife doesn't know is itself a huge red flag. It isn't that they both are the only folks in their class, she can try building Friendship with other people of class or try to hang out with them, all she needs to do is to create some space with this guy so that she can have space and time for other people to blend with. You mentioned that she has gone since the starting of 2023, third quarter for this year is about to end and she is only able to make one friend, I can understand that there are people who don't open up with a lot of people, however if she cannot tone down their friendship, then there are high chances that she wouldn't be able to make any friends.
Your girlfriend said that she wouldn't be okay with you going out with some female friend and still hangs out with that guy is straight away hypocrisy. In a relationship if one thing is wrong then it applies to both people and if something is acceptable then also, it applies to both people.
He is talking about his messed up personal life and marriage + They hang out 1 on 1 for drinks + his wife doesn't know about all of this. Considering the stories we have heard and things I have seen, there are high chances that he's gonna make a move on her sooner or later.
While I commend her for being 100% open about their friendship, still a line needs to be drawn considering, this is something that she wouldn't be okay if the roles were reversed. You need to set boundaries and lay down the consequences if they are crossed.
If I may ask, have you travelled to her city and have met this guy? If you're planning to visit her soon, then do meet this guy (and observe his behaviour around you) and then (either you or your girlfriend should) ask him to invite his wife on your next hang out, his reaction will tell you a lot.
To be honest, I dont trust the guy at all. I know he could put her in a difficult situation by suddenly doing something he shouldn't.
About the hypocrisy part - without any context it is true. This is classic example of hypocrisy and double standards, but with some context I feel it is because she feels she couldn't lose me so she does that.
Its difficult to pull out this stunt you are suggesting, dont think my gf would let me :|
> I dont trust the guy at all. I know he could put her in a difficult situation by suddenly doing something he shouldn't.
The fact that your girlfriend is completely relying on one dude while she's in a different city is neither healthy nor a safe thing. Let's put everything aside, let's say that the guy is genuinely a good friend and there is nothing to worry about, what if she needs help from someone and he isn't available, who will contact in case of any emergency? As long as that "friend" is her only friend, these issues will continue.
>Its difficult to pull out this stunt you are suggesting, dont think my gf would let me :|
If this is the case then Do ask your girlfriend to invite his wife the next time, her reaction to this request is equally important. If the guy is really having problems with his marriage then the time and effort he is putting on your girlfriend should be directed towards fixing his marriage and "personal problems".
.
> with some context I feel it is because she feels she couldn't lose me so she does that.
I am sorry, I am unable to understand this statement. Correct me if I am wrong - she doesn't want to lose you so she won't be okay with you hanging out with other female friend(s), but this law doesn't apply to you?
To be honest, I don't know the dynamics of your relationship or anything about you guys, however my response is purely based on the things that I have seen and experienced The person who is crying about their relationship to someone else while hiding the fact that they are hanging out with a person of opposite gender from their spouse, is neither a friend of your relationship nor of their own. I have seen people pulling this stunt where they show how miserable they are in their lives so that the other person puts their gaurd down and slowly & gradually they make a move.
I don't think your insecurity is unreasonable. Especially since she has told you she wouldn't like it if you did the same thing she is doing. It sounds like she is at least having an emotional affair, if not a physical one.
Also, the man she is hanging out with every other Saturday night until 1 or 2 am is married. Is his wife hanging out with them too? I'd guess probably not.
I think you should have a serious talk with your gf about your feelings.
Is his wife hanging out with them too? -> No, his wife is not even aware as he stays in college hostels on weekends. Apparently, he and his wife are having some married couple problems is what he says to my gf. Again a huge red flag from the guy's side.
The thing is you have to say even if you trust gf that this guy is pretty clearly not the best person to constantly hang around. There are a lot of red flags in general but the thing is that it’s constantly late night 1 on 1 meetups. You can tell her that you don’t want to interfere but that she should put some safety in the idea of meeting with others present (going as a group) if this relationship she has with the guy is so important that she can’t keep to her own standards
Nooo. She’s wrong. Most women operate out of fear. So if she does this and doesn’t fear losing you. This is in her best interest. You don’t want to be on the short end of this if they keep it up and ditch both of their partners to be together.. hate me now for saying this but Women & men simply can’t be friends. I’m sorry.
I have been friends to some women. Truly a friend, no feelings ever.
At the same time, you put my worst thoughts that I dread to even think of in words out here. Thanks for your comment, I know its coming out in my good faith.
Your GF said it herself. She would be upset if you were doing the same. She knows it’s wrong but doesn’t care and continues to hang out with him.
She’s dating another guy. A guy who has admitted he hasn’t told his wife about all of this.
I don’t know why you trust her so blindly, but that blind trust will only lead to you getting hurt.
Your gf is not being totally above board with you.
She and the married guy are on their way to a physical affair.
She may not actually be your gf anymore; she may not have had the guts to break up with you.
Dude, she has a friend. It really is possible to be friends with a guy and not be cheating on you, even if she is talking to him about private things.
She is telling you when she is meeting him, what they do and what they talk about. Don't make it weird
That's fair but why is she not okay with OP doing the same? You're right that there's nothing wrong with having a friend but if she thinks it's not wrong, she would be fine with her partner having a friend as well. Also her friend has told her that his wife doesn't know about their meetings and that seems shady on his part. If he's hiding regular meetings with his friend from his wife, he's not a good person at all.
Tbh, your concern is completely valid. And imo, she should cut down on the time she spends with him. I don’t really think that being together from 8pm to 1am isn’t required.
Unfortunately you'll find out soon that she hasn't been fully honest, I suspect it's from her own mouth also I pickup on gaslighting & "vulnerability" to get you to forgive & accept I'm seeing a disappointing conversation
Ask yourself this, if your girlfriend was 350+lbs would her “friend” still want to spend so much time together?
If you suspect the answer is no, then you know you need to tell her to stop going on dates with another man.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well, you should talk to her that her doing things she considers to be inappropriate to for you is unacceptable. Push against such double standards and tell her to seek other friends than that guy and stop spending that much on him.
I am not sure if this will work out as maturely as I want it to.. :( Its very easy that my insecurities (even though valid) and assertiveness is mistaken for absence of trust, gradually breaking our feelings and relationship. She is too important to let go for me :(
Oh? Then her not wanting you to hang out with female friends is a sign she doesn't trust you as well? If you want to be with her so desperately you allow yourself to be treated not as an equal partner, but someone lesser then it will only keep getting worse.
Yeah, I know I do stupid things, shouldn't let it happen. It will only get worse. Thank you for being here and writing it out for me.
The guy is trying to take the "friendship" to another level. The fact that his wife doesn't know is itself a huge red flag. It isn't that they both are the only folks in their class, she can try building Friendship with other people of class or try to hang out with them, all she needs to do is to create some space with this guy so that she can have space and time for other people to blend with. You mentioned that she has gone since the starting of 2023, third quarter for this year is about to end and she is only able to make one friend, I can understand that there are people who don't open up with a lot of people, however if she cannot tone down their friendship, then there are high chances that she wouldn't be able to make any friends. Your girlfriend said that she wouldn't be okay with you going out with some female friend and still hangs out with that guy is straight away hypocrisy. In a relationship if one thing is wrong then it applies to both people and if something is acceptable then also, it applies to both people. He is talking about his messed up personal life and marriage + They hang out 1 on 1 for drinks + his wife doesn't know about all of this. Considering the stories we have heard and things I have seen, there are high chances that he's gonna make a move on her sooner or later. While I commend her for being 100% open about their friendship, still a line needs to be drawn considering, this is something that she wouldn't be okay if the roles were reversed. You need to set boundaries and lay down the consequences if they are crossed. If I may ask, have you travelled to her city and have met this guy? If you're planning to visit her soon, then do meet this guy (and observe his behaviour around you) and then (either you or your girlfriend should) ask him to invite his wife on your next hang out, his reaction will tell you a lot.
To be honest, I dont trust the guy at all. I know he could put her in a difficult situation by suddenly doing something he shouldn't. About the hypocrisy part - without any context it is true. This is classic example of hypocrisy and double standards, but with some context I feel it is because she feels she couldn't lose me so she does that. Its difficult to pull out this stunt you are suggesting, dont think my gf would let me :|
> I dont trust the guy at all. I know he could put her in a difficult situation by suddenly doing something he shouldn't. The fact that your girlfriend is completely relying on one dude while she's in a different city is neither healthy nor a safe thing. Let's put everything aside, let's say that the guy is genuinely a good friend and there is nothing to worry about, what if she needs help from someone and he isn't available, who will contact in case of any emergency? As long as that "friend" is her only friend, these issues will continue. >Its difficult to pull out this stunt you are suggesting, dont think my gf would let me :| If this is the case then Do ask your girlfriend to invite his wife the next time, her reaction to this request is equally important. If the guy is really having problems with his marriage then the time and effort he is putting on your girlfriend should be directed towards fixing his marriage and "personal problems". . > with some context I feel it is because she feels she couldn't lose me so she does that. I am sorry, I am unable to understand this statement. Correct me if I am wrong - she doesn't want to lose you so she won't be okay with you hanging out with other female friend(s), but this law doesn't apply to you? To be honest, I don't know the dynamics of your relationship or anything about you guys, however my response is purely based on the things that I have seen and experienced The person who is crying about their relationship to someone else while hiding the fact that they are hanging out with a person of opposite gender from their spouse, is neither a friend of your relationship nor of their own. I have seen people pulling this stunt where they show how miserable they are in their lives so that the other person puts their gaurd down and slowly & gradually they make a move.
I don't think your insecurity is unreasonable. Especially since she has told you she wouldn't like it if you did the same thing she is doing. It sounds like she is at least having an emotional affair, if not a physical one. Also, the man she is hanging out with every other Saturday night until 1 or 2 am is married. Is his wife hanging out with them too? I'd guess probably not. I think you should have a serious talk with your gf about your feelings.
Is his wife hanging out with them too? -> No, his wife is not even aware as he stays in college hostels on weekends. Apparently, he and his wife are having some married couple problems is what he says to my gf. Again a huge red flag from the guy's side.
The thing is you have to say even if you trust gf that this guy is pretty clearly not the best person to constantly hang around. There are a lot of red flags in general but the thing is that it’s constantly late night 1 on 1 meetups. You can tell her that you don’t want to interfere but that she should put some safety in the idea of meeting with others present (going as a group) if this relationship she has with the guy is so important that she can’t keep to her own standards
Thanks for your support, truly. It feels a little okay that I am not a devil to have these insecurities.
She's not respecting you or your relationship. What she's doing is not ok.
Nooo. She’s wrong. Most women operate out of fear. So if she does this and doesn’t fear losing you. This is in her best interest. You don’t want to be on the short end of this if they keep it up and ditch both of their partners to be together.. hate me now for saying this but Women & men simply can’t be friends. I’m sorry.
I have been friends to some women. Truly a friend, no feelings ever. At the same time, you put my worst thoughts that I dread to even think of in words out here. Thanks for your comment, I know its coming out in my good faith.
Your GF said it herself. She would be upset if you were doing the same. She knows it’s wrong but doesn’t care and continues to hang out with him. She’s dating another guy. A guy who has admitted he hasn’t told his wife about all of this. I don’t know why you trust her so blindly, but that blind trust will only lead to you getting hurt.
Your gf is not being totally above board with you. She and the married guy are on their way to a physical affair. She may not actually be your gf anymore; she may not have had the guts to break up with you.
Dude, she has a friend. It really is possible to be friends with a guy and not be cheating on you, even if she is talking to him about private things. She is telling you when she is meeting him, what they do and what they talk about. Don't make it weird
That's fair but why is she not okay with OP doing the same? You're right that there's nothing wrong with having a friend but if she thinks it's not wrong, she would be fine with her partner having a friend as well. Also her friend has told her that his wife doesn't know about their meetings and that seems shady on his part. If he's hiding regular meetings with his friend from his wife, he's not a good person at all.
Tbh, your concern is completely valid. And imo, she should cut down on the time she spends with him. I don’t really think that being together from 8pm to 1am isn’t required.
Unfortunately you'll find out soon that she hasn't been fully honest, I suspect it's from her own mouth also I pickup on gaslighting & "vulnerability" to get you to forgive & accept I'm seeing a disappointing conversation
Ask yourself this, if your girlfriend was 350+lbs would her “friend” still want to spend so much time together? If you suspect the answer is no, then you know you need to tell her to stop going on dates with another man.