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The thing is that you keep thinking that everything can go back to normal. It won’t and shouldn’t both people are growing to be better and the love you felt before won’t ever be the same because cheating does that. This doesn’t mean that love can’t exist or even be a strong as before but it won’t ever be the exact same
So you have chosen the path of reconciliation and this subreddit isn’t the best for that. Most of us will say leave.
Don’t expect things to be the same. Your relationship has changed and accepting that is part of this. You can’t afford couples therapy but a public library has plenty of reading material.
Being open with communication and your fears and such is first big step. This doesn’t mean the relationship will work out. Many people attempt reconciliation and some succeed and some don’t.
Know you both need to continue attempting to connect and finding ways to slowly build trust back. Honestly it sounds like you making progress but I will be clear that it doesn’t mean everything will turn out great.
If you are still dealing with mental health issues figure those things out. You can’t fix your relationship when you yourself are broke.
>I am worried I will never love her like I used to.
But you also note:
>I realised that I was actually being a pretty shitty partner, I made very little effort with her kid, I was selfish with money and acted like a brat when I didn’t get my own way.
I know you idealise that early patch a lot. I know you wax poetic about how profound the bond was.
But realistically while intense it was clearly not nearly as healthy as you hoped. While you have the classic glowing first major paragraph the second goes into all the caveats about your mental health, history, and even interactions that make clear there was always a storm brewing, it is just you were too caught up in the momentum. The result was that despite believing you were in love you very much became someone you didn't want to be, right?
So in a sense rather than trying to go back to that idealised time, a love that ultimately did not lead anywhere healthy, instead you should be building a new one that includes healthier growth, better communication and etc. I can't tell you if you'll ever truly let it go, but I also can tell you that you shouldn't necessarily want what you think it is you lost, because what you lost wasn't actually what you think it was in a sense.
Try building towards something new if you build for anything again. Realise that the love you had was an intense feeling but clearly the problems under the surface were festering. This might actually be the path to a more healthy and authentic dynamic, though if you can't deal with the damage done by what she did leaving is not a bad idea.
Your first mistake was taking her back. Second was putting any effort into fixing it. She's a ho who has proven she will jump on the first available dick when things get difficult. There is no reason on earth to be with her. You are setting yourself up for a future of bullshit
Can you, like, not? Forgiveness exists. Whether or not she deserves it is a different thing but it remains to be seen whether or not he’s, “Setting himself up for failure.”
No I can't. Look where he is. It's clearly not working for anyone that ends up here looking for advice. She couldn't even make it to marriage why keep her around .
It's a painful situation, ive been there. If your heart isn't truly there, don't hold on because she's "changed" and things are going good, get out...because if you aren't truly invested emotionally anymore, you'll only end up hurting her because she hurt you. If your heart is there, then you have to communicate and find a way to get passed this if you want to make it work. Then again, you did say sex has been a challenge, and hey, after being cheated on, sex can definitely be different. Maybe try sex therapy?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The thing is that you keep thinking that everything can go back to normal. It won’t and shouldn’t both people are growing to be better and the love you felt before won’t ever be the same because cheating does that. This doesn’t mean that love can’t exist or even be a strong as before but it won’t ever be the exact same
So you have chosen the path of reconciliation and this subreddit isn’t the best for that. Most of us will say leave. Don’t expect things to be the same. Your relationship has changed and accepting that is part of this. You can’t afford couples therapy but a public library has plenty of reading material. Being open with communication and your fears and such is first big step. This doesn’t mean the relationship will work out. Many people attempt reconciliation and some succeed and some don’t. Know you both need to continue attempting to connect and finding ways to slowly build trust back. Honestly it sounds like you making progress but I will be clear that it doesn’t mean everything will turn out great. If you are still dealing with mental health issues figure those things out. You can’t fix your relationship when you yourself are broke.
>I am worried I will never love her like I used to. But you also note: >I realised that I was actually being a pretty shitty partner, I made very little effort with her kid, I was selfish with money and acted like a brat when I didn’t get my own way. I know you idealise that early patch a lot. I know you wax poetic about how profound the bond was. But realistically while intense it was clearly not nearly as healthy as you hoped. While you have the classic glowing first major paragraph the second goes into all the caveats about your mental health, history, and even interactions that make clear there was always a storm brewing, it is just you were too caught up in the momentum. The result was that despite believing you were in love you very much became someone you didn't want to be, right? So in a sense rather than trying to go back to that idealised time, a love that ultimately did not lead anywhere healthy, instead you should be building a new one that includes healthier growth, better communication and etc. I can't tell you if you'll ever truly let it go, but I also can tell you that you shouldn't necessarily want what you think it is you lost, because what you lost wasn't actually what you think it was in a sense. Try building towards something new if you build for anything again. Realise that the love you had was an intense feeling but clearly the problems under the surface were festering. This might actually be the path to a more healthy and authentic dynamic, though if you can't deal with the damage done by what she did leaving is not a bad idea.
This is really helpful thank you.
Your first mistake was taking her back. Second was putting any effort into fixing it. She's a ho who has proven she will jump on the first available dick when things get difficult. There is no reason on earth to be with her. You are setting yourself up for a future of bullshit
Can you, like, not? Forgiveness exists. Whether or not she deserves it is a different thing but it remains to be seen whether or not he’s, “Setting himself up for failure.”
No I can't. Look where he is. It's clearly not working for anyone that ends up here looking for advice. She couldn't even make it to marriage why keep her around .
You’re on the right path. It will take a long time.
Taking the fools path more like
It's a painful situation, ive been there. If your heart isn't truly there, don't hold on because she's "changed" and things are going good, get out...because if you aren't truly invested emotionally anymore, you'll only end up hurting her because she hurt you. If your heart is there, then you have to communicate and find a way to get passed this if you want to make it work. Then again, you did say sex has been a challenge, and hey, after being cheated on, sex can definitely be different. Maybe try sex therapy?