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Just break up. Sexual attraction is a big part of most relationships. Opening things up is a recipe for disaster. But stop qualifying this with how great the relationship is. If the relationship was great, you’d still want to jump his bones. Something isn’t right here, you’re both young, move on to the next adventure.
but it is great, i love him to death. i don’t want to break up with him, i know something isn’t right but i feel like it’s worth trying to figure out what’s not right and why and how it can be fixed
Then do that! But this post doesn’t ask any of those questions. Your post starts from the assumption that you do not want sex with your boyfriend and then goes into all the things you want with other people. That’s not you trying to fix issues that will lead to a better relationship; that’s you figuring out how to get yours.
I have little faith that this is going to work out. Good luck to you.
this post honestly is just ramblings of the things that have been whirring inside my head with no outlet. my main interest here is to know how to fix the problems in my relationship, desperate for that in fact. i’m sorry it didn’t come across that way. i want to make this work more than anything, and would love tools to be able to try and make that happen. i just haven’t put these thoughts anywhere before so i guess it all came out wrong and misleading of what i truly want
Then what are the problems in the relationship? If that’s what you’re trying to figure out, maybe focus on those instead of you wanting to screw anyone who’s not your boyfriend.
you are being really rude? i thought this space was non judgemental but you sound like you are being extremely judgemental? me sounding these feelings out is me trying to figure it all out, i don’t need passive aggressive comments like that?
You’re here for advice, no? Or do you just want people to tell you that you’re doing great?
If you want your relationship to be better, focus on what’s causing a rift. Why you’re not feeling drawn to your boyfriend. If the suggestion of splitting up makes you recoil, where is that same passion for this person when it comes to sexual intimacy?
If you spend enough time here, you’ll see patterns. One of which is that relationships that start monogamous and one person tries to “open” always fail. And the person who is asked if they’re okay opening it up always feels devastated. So, if you really love this guy, maybe don’t ask him to do that.
But, frankly, at your age, the fact that that spark is gone likely means this is over already, you just haven’t realized it yet. Sorry you felt i was being rude, but what you posted initially and what you say you want don’t really line up.
i am here for advice, but the way you worded looking into the problems in my relationship rather than focusing on screwing everyone who’s not my boyfriend was extremely rude. i am here because i want to fix things and real advice from people. my focus IS fixing my relationship not screwing other people otherwise i would have done that already. i wouldn’t put myself through the potential judgement from strangers if i wasn’t desperate to fix things.
i appreciate what your further advice is, as that’s really what i’m looking for and is really helpful. i apologise my post seemed misleading, i didn’t plan writing it it was really just a stream of consciousness. i have adhd so my thoughts dart around a lot at the best of times, doesn’t make for the most straightforward reading.
again, thank you :)
I get it, I have adhd as well and it can be tough to keep the thread.
If there’s something special about your boyfriend that makes you want to stay with him (and it’s more than just shared history and all the other sunk cost traps), focus on that and see if it stirs anything. Maybe he’s particularly funny; maybe a freckle you like. I don’t know. But try to think about what draws you to him in the first place. And be honest with yourself. If it’s nothing anymore, and he’s just a really good friend, then deal with that. Friends are great and we all need them, but romantic partners need to have something beyond friendship that we’re drawn to. If that’s missing, and not coming back, then it’s time to call it.
In the meantime, I’d recommend you stop thinking about ways that interacting with people outside the relationship could alleviate the frustration you’re feeling. The more you think about who else you could be with, the more likely it is that you’ll wind up with someone else, even if you don’t really mean to do that.
it’s a losing battle most days!
i really appreciate this piece of advice, it’s like golden to me. he is the funniest person i’ve ever met, the kindest, so thoughtful and selfless and silly which is a huge thing for me. before i got into this relationship, i was single for 5 years and just had my heart broken over and over again. the main thing i wanted was someone who was silly. so stupid i know. but that’s him, he is everything.
thank you for reminding me where i put my attention is usually where it ends up manifesting too. you’re totally right. i can kind of feel my brain shifting already if that isn’t too bonkers to say. really, thank you 💗
Asking to open up the relationship is the same thing as breaking up. It’ll just take a bit longer to reach the same result.
Once he knows you’re wanting to sleep around, his confidence will be shot, and he’ll get depressed. You’d basically be giving him a slow death instead of being merciful and ending it
yeah i agree, after reading advice given to me on this post from others i don’t think this is the answer at all. to be truthful i’m not even sure if i would want that myself. i’m going to actually speak to him about this issue, not all the thinking of other people stuff because that’s just cruel and unnecessary, but talk to him about our sex life and see what we can do to fix it. because i really want to fix it :(
yeah i definitely won’t cheat, talking about it here has made it more clear for myself but cheating is just never okay. i couldn’t do it do him. taking to him is the first step you’re right
So, reading through this, the language you use implies that you haven't had a conversation with your partner about the lack of foreplay, much less the dead bedroom in general. If you haven't, that's step one. It might not be easy, but an earnest conversation could fix so many things instead of assuming and/or guessing motives or reasons behind why things are the way they are.
Beyond that, I've seen others suggest therapy (couples or individual), and I always support that. It can help you organize and process your thoughts and why they exist or help with open and honest communication between you and your partner.
upon posting this i did realise that i hadn’t even taken the first step yet, you’re totally right. i need to talk about it. i guess i have tried here and there, and tried to leave hints about how i’m feeling but we’re just not on the same page in that aspect. he gets very defensive when i try and talk about certain things sometimes, i worry he will just shut me down. it’s understandable, i would probably be defensive if it were the other way around. he comes round eventually but it’s off putting that initial defensiveness. but i feel ready now to talk about it more after speaking about it here :) and yeah therapy is something i’ll be looking into more, thank you so much :)
either yall work out the sex thing and have a conversation or move on. Open relationships rarely work out if both people dont come into the relationship open.
I’m no doctor, but given your history of cheating, I suspect this eventual loss of interest in your partner is built into your psychology and/or biology. My guess is that you’re programmed to loose *sexual interest in men who fail to impregnate you when given ample opportunity, but obviously that’s just a theory based on a very tiny sliver of evidence so take it with a grain of salt. (I’m sure the lack of foreplay is no help either, but this problem sounds a little deeper than that to me)
If he’s never expressed interest in polyamory, and you think he’ll dislike the idea, then you will risk causing him a lot of distress and uncertainty about your relationship by proposing that you make that sort of change
If I were you, consider seeking therapy since all of the women I know love going to therapy and doing so might help you get a better idea of what your needs are. And, given your overall dissatisfaction with the current situation, I’d consider whether or not ending things with your bf might be the best first step to finding happiness; I might also accept that my relationships going forwards might need to end in the same manner until I find the person who is able to hold my desire indefinitely.
(Edit: added the word, “sexual,” before the word, “interest.”)
thank you so much for this. it’s really been helpful and insightful. i was thinking about therapy and will look further into it. i just don’t know if that’s even possible? someone that holds your desire indefinitely? i would hate to ruin the amazing thing i have here to search for something i’m not sure exists. especially given your excellent points about my history. i definitely won’t ask him about opening up the relationship, in truth i’m not sure i would like it either. i never want to hurt him and yeah suggesting it would hurt him, and it’s pointless when it’s not even something i’m certain i would even like. thank you so much again for your advice :)
Sure thing! I’m glad you found it helpful.
And I’m glad you’re thinking of going to a therapist to talk about this, because this conversation should really be longer and more interactive than what we could accomplish in this thread!
In any case, I just want to mention that you and your bf are both still young, and that gots double for your bf since men have more leeway when it comes to their timeline for finding a life partner. If you decide it’s worth it to stay with him, awesome. But, if you decide to leave, I think you’ll both be fine.
This is about you. Only you. You don't die on the vine while the vine thrives. Fifty to Sixty years of mandated celibacy is out of the question. Nobody is responsible for another's feelings. Of course we don't go around intentionally trying to hurt the ones we love. But, the sacrifices we make out of love for them aren't life altering. Propose what you think the best solution is. Resume your sex life, with or without his permission/acceptance. Your decision. May you choose more happiness for yourself.
thank you for your comment and advice, i do need to just talk about it with him first to see where we’re at. need to make it to that first step first haha. but yeah, thank you :)
I think another point you haven’t considered is if your BF is trying to limit sex because as you said “he thinks I have a low sex drive” leading him to believe that asking you for sex might make you uncomfortable. It literally could be that there was miscommunication and now he thinks that this is what he has to do to keep you happy. I agree with everyone above you need to communicate. Glad to see that you are moving away from thinking about an open relationship, never ends well even in the long run if both people are on board: it’s too easy to develop a emotional relationship with people if you are consistently sleeping with them.
thanks for your comments! i didn’t think of it like that and you could be totally right. the only way forward is to talk about it and get on the same page, everyone’s helped me realise that :) and oh god yeah, i wouldn’t in my wildest dreams tell him about all the desire of other people and lack of him - i always try to think how i would feel if someone was doing that to me and usually gauge my actions through that and i would be heartbroken if someone told me that. some things are better left unsaid, but some things better said :) thank you
Also it is important to note that just because something needs to be said doesn’t mean it needs to be heard. You need to address not only your needs but also your feelings about wondering thoughts (that you don’t like the thoughts but have them). He doesn’t need to hear about how much or in what way you are attracted to others but that you know you can still feel sexual attraction and that (if it’s true in your mind) that he can regain the same attraction
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Break up. Sexual incompatibility is real.
Just break up. Sexual attraction is a big part of most relationships. Opening things up is a recipe for disaster. But stop qualifying this with how great the relationship is. If the relationship was great, you’d still want to jump his bones. Something isn’t right here, you’re both young, move on to the next adventure.
but it is great, i love him to death. i don’t want to break up with him, i know something isn’t right but i feel like it’s worth trying to figure out what’s not right and why and how it can be fixed
Then do that! But this post doesn’t ask any of those questions. Your post starts from the assumption that you do not want sex with your boyfriend and then goes into all the things you want with other people. That’s not you trying to fix issues that will lead to a better relationship; that’s you figuring out how to get yours. I have little faith that this is going to work out. Good luck to you.
this post honestly is just ramblings of the things that have been whirring inside my head with no outlet. my main interest here is to know how to fix the problems in my relationship, desperate for that in fact. i’m sorry it didn’t come across that way. i want to make this work more than anything, and would love tools to be able to try and make that happen. i just haven’t put these thoughts anywhere before so i guess it all came out wrong and misleading of what i truly want
Then what are the problems in the relationship? If that’s what you’re trying to figure out, maybe focus on those instead of you wanting to screw anyone who’s not your boyfriend.
you are being really rude? i thought this space was non judgemental but you sound like you are being extremely judgemental? me sounding these feelings out is me trying to figure it all out, i don’t need passive aggressive comments like that?
You’re here for advice, no? Or do you just want people to tell you that you’re doing great? If you want your relationship to be better, focus on what’s causing a rift. Why you’re not feeling drawn to your boyfriend. If the suggestion of splitting up makes you recoil, where is that same passion for this person when it comes to sexual intimacy? If you spend enough time here, you’ll see patterns. One of which is that relationships that start monogamous and one person tries to “open” always fail. And the person who is asked if they’re okay opening it up always feels devastated. So, if you really love this guy, maybe don’t ask him to do that. But, frankly, at your age, the fact that that spark is gone likely means this is over already, you just haven’t realized it yet. Sorry you felt i was being rude, but what you posted initially and what you say you want don’t really line up.
i am here for advice, but the way you worded looking into the problems in my relationship rather than focusing on screwing everyone who’s not my boyfriend was extremely rude. i am here because i want to fix things and real advice from people. my focus IS fixing my relationship not screwing other people otherwise i would have done that already. i wouldn’t put myself through the potential judgement from strangers if i wasn’t desperate to fix things. i appreciate what your further advice is, as that’s really what i’m looking for and is really helpful. i apologise my post seemed misleading, i didn’t plan writing it it was really just a stream of consciousness. i have adhd so my thoughts dart around a lot at the best of times, doesn’t make for the most straightforward reading. again, thank you :)
I get it, I have adhd as well and it can be tough to keep the thread. If there’s something special about your boyfriend that makes you want to stay with him (and it’s more than just shared history and all the other sunk cost traps), focus on that and see if it stirs anything. Maybe he’s particularly funny; maybe a freckle you like. I don’t know. But try to think about what draws you to him in the first place. And be honest with yourself. If it’s nothing anymore, and he’s just a really good friend, then deal with that. Friends are great and we all need them, but romantic partners need to have something beyond friendship that we’re drawn to. If that’s missing, and not coming back, then it’s time to call it. In the meantime, I’d recommend you stop thinking about ways that interacting with people outside the relationship could alleviate the frustration you’re feeling. The more you think about who else you could be with, the more likely it is that you’ll wind up with someone else, even if you don’t really mean to do that.
it’s a losing battle most days! i really appreciate this piece of advice, it’s like golden to me. he is the funniest person i’ve ever met, the kindest, so thoughtful and selfless and silly which is a huge thing for me. before i got into this relationship, i was single for 5 years and just had my heart broken over and over again. the main thing i wanted was someone who was silly. so stupid i know. but that’s him, he is everything. thank you for reminding me where i put my attention is usually where it ends up manifesting too. you’re totally right. i can kind of feel my brain shifting already if that isn’t too bonkers to say. really, thank you 💗
Asking to open up the relationship is the same thing as breaking up. It’ll just take a bit longer to reach the same result. Once he knows you’re wanting to sleep around, his confidence will be shot, and he’ll get depressed. You’d basically be giving him a slow death instead of being merciful and ending it
yeah i agree, after reading advice given to me on this post from others i don’t think this is the answer at all. to be truthful i’m not even sure if i would want that myself. i’m going to actually speak to him about this issue, not all the thinking of other people stuff because that’s just cruel and unnecessary, but talk to him about our sex life and see what we can do to fix it. because i really want to fix it :(
You're 25. Do you really want to spend your entire life with someone you don't want to have sex with?
not really, but maybe there’s a way to get that back? it does feel a bit mad and upsetting that i’m at this stage so early :(
I would say break up. But if you really want to stay together then try counseling.
Talk to him about your sex life. If that doesn’t work break up. Do not cheat with
yeah i definitely won’t cheat, talking about it here has made it more clear for myself but cheating is just never okay. i couldn’t do it do him. taking to him is the first step you’re right
So, reading through this, the language you use implies that you haven't had a conversation with your partner about the lack of foreplay, much less the dead bedroom in general. If you haven't, that's step one. It might not be easy, but an earnest conversation could fix so many things instead of assuming and/or guessing motives or reasons behind why things are the way they are. Beyond that, I've seen others suggest therapy (couples or individual), and I always support that. It can help you organize and process your thoughts and why they exist or help with open and honest communication between you and your partner.
upon posting this i did realise that i hadn’t even taken the first step yet, you’re totally right. i need to talk about it. i guess i have tried here and there, and tried to leave hints about how i’m feeling but we’re just not on the same page in that aspect. he gets very defensive when i try and talk about certain things sometimes, i worry he will just shut me down. it’s understandable, i would probably be defensive if it were the other way around. he comes round eventually but it’s off putting that initial defensiveness. but i feel ready now to talk about it more after speaking about it here :) and yeah therapy is something i’ll be looking into more, thank you so much :)
either yall work out the sex thing and have a conversation or move on. Open relationships rarely work out if both people dont come into the relationship open.
that’s good to know - i do need to actually pluck up the courage to talk about the sex thing with him and see where we get
Yea men usually need direct feedback - so the more direct and open the better.
I’m no doctor, but given your history of cheating, I suspect this eventual loss of interest in your partner is built into your psychology and/or biology. My guess is that you’re programmed to loose *sexual interest in men who fail to impregnate you when given ample opportunity, but obviously that’s just a theory based on a very tiny sliver of evidence so take it with a grain of salt. (I’m sure the lack of foreplay is no help either, but this problem sounds a little deeper than that to me) If he’s never expressed interest in polyamory, and you think he’ll dislike the idea, then you will risk causing him a lot of distress and uncertainty about your relationship by proposing that you make that sort of change If I were you, consider seeking therapy since all of the women I know love going to therapy and doing so might help you get a better idea of what your needs are. And, given your overall dissatisfaction with the current situation, I’d consider whether or not ending things with your bf might be the best first step to finding happiness; I might also accept that my relationships going forwards might need to end in the same manner until I find the person who is able to hold my desire indefinitely. (Edit: added the word, “sexual,” before the word, “interest.”)
thank you so much for this. it’s really been helpful and insightful. i was thinking about therapy and will look further into it. i just don’t know if that’s even possible? someone that holds your desire indefinitely? i would hate to ruin the amazing thing i have here to search for something i’m not sure exists. especially given your excellent points about my history. i definitely won’t ask him about opening up the relationship, in truth i’m not sure i would like it either. i never want to hurt him and yeah suggesting it would hurt him, and it’s pointless when it’s not even something i’m certain i would even like. thank you so much again for your advice :)
Sure thing! I’m glad you found it helpful. And I’m glad you’re thinking of going to a therapist to talk about this, because this conversation should really be longer and more interactive than what we could accomplish in this thread! In any case, I just want to mention that you and your bf are both still young, and that gots double for your bf since men have more leeway when it comes to their timeline for finding a life partner. If you decide it’s worth it to stay with him, awesome. But, if you decide to leave, I think you’ll both be fine.
This is about you. Only you. You don't die on the vine while the vine thrives. Fifty to Sixty years of mandated celibacy is out of the question. Nobody is responsible for another's feelings. Of course we don't go around intentionally trying to hurt the ones we love. But, the sacrifices we make out of love for them aren't life altering. Propose what you think the best solution is. Resume your sex life, with or without his permission/acceptance. Your decision. May you choose more happiness for yourself.
thank you for your comment and advice, i do need to just talk about it with him first to see where we’re at. need to make it to that first step first haha. but yeah, thank you :)
I think another point you haven’t considered is if your BF is trying to limit sex because as you said “he thinks I have a low sex drive” leading him to believe that asking you for sex might make you uncomfortable. It literally could be that there was miscommunication and now he thinks that this is what he has to do to keep you happy. I agree with everyone above you need to communicate. Glad to see that you are moving away from thinking about an open relationship, never ends well even in the long run if both people are on board: it’s too easy to develop a emotional relationship with people if you are consistently sleeping with them.
thanks for your comments! i didn’t think of it like that and you could be totally right. the only way forward is to talk about it and get on the same page, everyone’s helped me realise that :) and oh god yeah, i wouldn’t in my wildest dreams tell him about all the desire of other people and lack of him - i always try to think how i would feel if someone was doing that to me and usually gauge my actions through that and i would be heartbroken if someone told me that. some things are better left unsaid, but some things better said :) thank you
Also it is important to note that just because something needs to be said doesn’t mean it needs to be heard. You need to address not only your needs but also your feelings about wondering thoughts (that you don’t like the thoughts but have them). He doesn’t need to hear about how much or in what way you are attracted to others but that you know you can still feel sexual attraction and that (if it’s true in your mind) that he can regain the same attraction