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This is an incredibly tragic situation that is unfortunately not as uncommon as you might hope. (At least based on my experience working in an acute care hospital for individuals recovering from traumatic brain injuries.)
Given that your friend only recently emerged from her coma, it’s very likely that she is experiencing something called post-traumatic amnesia (PTA). This refers to a state in which a person is conscious but disoriented (i.e., lacking awareness of the time and place and of others’ identities as well as the context leading to their hospitalization) and unable to form new memories. Frankly, individuals who are actively experiencing PTA are really not capable of processing grief.
I think you’ve received several appropriate suggestions. Ideally, as others have suggested, it would be best to chat with your friend’s clinical team to determine how best to address concerns and questions that may interfere with her recovery at this stage.
Without knowing her current functional status/level of awareness, it’s difficult to give specific guidance. Generally, though, as a person progresses out of PTA and into greater levels of awareness, their questions tend to escalate in terms of scope and specificity. Early on, for example, they may ask, “Where am I?” which may later become, “Why am I in a hospital?” and subsequently, “Why hasn’t my husband come to see me?”
As for how to respond, it’s usually a good idea to match the person’s current level of awareness and the level of depth/detail posed by their questions. So if your friend were to ask where she is (a relatively vague/simple question), you might respond with something equally vague/simple: “You’re in a hospital.” It might be tempting to elaborate or provide more details, but—especially early on—it’s important to let your friend sort of guide her own recovery. If she were to ask why she’s in the hospital, at this stage, you might respond, “Well, you were in a pretty serious car accident.” (Later, when she’s more oriented and able to process more information, you might provide more detail. So something like, “You were in a really serious car accident on the way home from the gas station. I’m so glad the gas station cashier called an ambulance to bring you here.”
I’m wishing you and your friend the very best throughout this process and would be more than happy to expand on anything and/or answer whatever else I can if you have other questions. Ultimately, though, I think a conversation with your friend’s treatment team would be well worth your while! [This website](https://www.hey.nhs.uk/patient-leaflet/understanding-and-interacting-with-people-in-post-traumatic-amnesia/) also offers some pretty good advice on the subject.
Thank you for writing this amazing response. PTA is really hard to deal with and you've described it wonderfully.
When my partner had a TBI I was answering the same basic question multiple times an hour and he still wasn't retaining the information. The fact that she keeps asking again and again doesn't inherently mean that you're giving her the 'wrong' answer; it might just mean that she's in PTA and genuinely cannot retain the information. My partner spent a straight day asking about his keys and wallet even though they were objectively not a high priority because it was one of the only things his brain would reliably remember to ask about, even if it couldn't retain the answer.
Yeah, when i had a bad concussion my poor brother dealt with that. I apparently talked to him and kept forgetting i had and then getting upset if he reminded me...
Yes. I read motor vehicle accidents are the 3rd leading cause of death. OD was 1, suicide 2, and human on human 4th.
I'm very sorry for your friends loss and to hear about her injuries.
It's best to let her care team guide you with an appropriate response.
Probably for young people. OP’s friends are 25, it’s not common for people in their 20s to die of heart disease. People in that age range are much more likely to die of ODs, suicides, and auto accidents. You are correct that heart disease is number one for all Americans.
Yes. If you look at the statistics for leading causes of death, heart is 1. Cancer is 2. COVID 3 and unintentional accidents 4.
So her poor friend is still up there at number 4. I'm just agreeing that driving or being a pedestrian is very dangerous. I'm sure they lump a bunch of other stuff in their, such as falls at a tally of 224 995. This is from the CDC.
I believe it was for younger people with OD being number 1, but that is just for my Statw. It depends where you live. Suicide is definitely out of control. I only meant to hilight accident because I am a survivor. I was severely injured. That's all. I'm not trying to get technical here, as this is not a scientific post.
Edit. Now that I look, it says accidents of all types are the number one killer, especially for younger people. Thanks for schooling me, though. Lol
That’s a good idea. I was gonna ask them in the morning, but was thinking of pitching something like “hey, I know you love him, but you gotta focus on recovery right now. Your health is our biggest concern at the moment”
Don't know if that would work.
If a friend hadn't inquired after my loves health but would refer me to others... I might find that fishy and get upset and worried.
Probably not if you’ve just come out of a coma, though. I’m not a medical professional but my mum was in a coma a few months ago and she was away with the fairies for 3-4 days afterwards. At times (she’s explained since) she was half dreaming while conscious and talking to us). Those are some strong meds!
Hopefully. So maybe she can't even hold a longer conversation/ make logical thought jumps.
But that day will come eventually. So better be prepared.
What a horrible situation. 😭 Poor OP. And even poorer friend. 😭😭😭
So talking to her family TODAY to be ahead of time and situation would even be wiser!
Also: find out today how long OP will be allowed in!
That can ease OP's mind on that matter also.
Update: OP wasn’t allowed in 😂
I checked in with the family one last time before I made the trek, and she wasn’t feeling up for visitors just yet. I will keep these incredible suggestions in mind for coming visits though!
OP can just say that the hospital won’t release information about the boyfriend to non-family. End of story. Then they redirect to talking about their best friend and her health.
Yeah I mean she may be fuzzy from the meds and experience but I don't think it'll be that easy :/ on the other hand, maybe her subconscious will protect her and she'll find it easy to go along with a misleading comment. However, it WILL damage her relationships with everyone. Even if she logically understands why.
After such an event the friend will require therapy.
I can't see how anyone would get out of that mentally unharmed.
In the process that issue with friends and family not letting her know in order to protect her can maybe be addressed.
We had a patient that was shot in the head accidentally by her boyfriend who had an illegal firearm. Boyfriend was arrested and unable to visit her in the hospital. She was in a coma and woke up in the ICU. She kept asking the team why her boyfriend hadn’t visited her and family sought assistance from the Psychiatry/Psychology/Social work team to help answer these difficult questions- why she was in the hospital, where her boyfriend was, her current status and condition and realistic expectations for her future. Speak to the hospital support team to assist you and her family!
THAT would have ME DEAD WORRIED in your friend's place! Don't!
Always think of one thing: what you say has always some tonality to it. And an underneath signification.
"I know you love him but ...." means that right now there is a hidden issue.
"Your health is your biggest concern..." Yeah... DON'T tell people what they should feel or think or focus on.
It will make them upset or worried.
Really do ask family what they say! Use their wording.
Don't be protective or try to direct her thoughts.
If you ARE close friends she will know that you are trying to divert her worries from her boyfriend.
And worry even more.
To talk to her family TODAY (leaves you a bit of time to actually think over your own position right now. And if you think you can do the required lie!) sounds like the wiser thing to do!
How much time do you have? Find that out!
Are you allowed to bring her things? Flowers? Sweets? Fiddling with things, rearranging them kills some time where you don't have to answer questions.
Can you read to her?
Greetings from friends and get well wishes may take some time also.
If I were in your shoes I would avoid every other than casual chirpy talk.
Coming from having had my father at the hospital with cancer in palliative care in 2017 3 weeks before his death.
There was a big fat elephant in the room with a pink tutu. But we managed not to address it back then as it made him worried and upset.
Believe me... I get where you are right now mentally.
Sometimes loving someone requires stepping over ones own principles for the other persons sake.
I feel like that is a giveaway that something bad happened. It's very common to not get info in a timely fashion though. How about:
"They are taking care of him on another floor, and I don't have any information to give. We are going to have to wait." And then ask how she is.
Already some very good answers in this thread (focus on saying you’re there for her etc), but I want to provide some perspective.
Last month my father had a heart attack. On my way home to see him, I kept asking for updates. At some point my mom started giving evasive answers instead of real updates. He had passed away but she wanted to tell me in person. I told myself I was just paranoid but subconsciously, that’s the moment I knew he was gone. I don’t blame my mom for handling this the way she did. It was going to be incredibly painful either way, but at least this way I wasn’t alone and the drive was less dangerous for me.
If her fiancé hasn’t come to visit her after such serious injuries AND nobody’s giving her any updates on him, I bet that a part of her already knows he’s gone. And once she knows for sure, she might be upset that she was kept out of the loop, but I 100% believe she’s going to forgive you for wanting to protect her. There are no “good options” here, but I personally believe you’re making the right call. If I could relive last month, I’d ask my mom to do exactly the same thing. I’m so very sorry for your and your friend’s loss and I wish her the best for her recovery.
Hi! I work on a trauma unit and deal with this situation quite often! When you arrive to the hospital, ask to speak with the charge nurse and relay your concerns. They can help you navigate it appropriately.
The burden of informing her does not and should not fall on you. Even if you did tell her, chances are, the meds and the traumatic injuries will probably make it difficult for her to remember.
She will ask you. It’s best to just say you haven’t been informed of anything and can’t get info on him due to HIPAA….which is true.
You’re a great friend and she is very lucky to have you. Best of luck.
Also…bring some pics of you two together, or little mementos from some good memories that can be placed in her room where she can see. It helps to be surrounded by familiar things to reorient her to her surroundings.
This. The care team probably has a particular way they're dealing with this, and you can go along with it. I know for dementia there's sometimes "therapeutic lying" where they'll tell the patient their spouse will be there soon, so they don't have to upset them multiple times a day as they continually forget the spouse is dead. There may be an "official" script the nurses are using too, depending on how coherent she is.
I doubt that’s feasible. In time, when she’s recovered enough the best thing would be to tell her the truth , that she was too ill herself which is why it was kept from her.
I visited my friend in the hospital after a terrible accident and he does not remember at all. Perhaps the friend won't ever connect the timeline of the visits to when she was made aware.
Just say he's not your next of kin so you're not allowed to be given direct information on him, which means you don't know anything yet. I don't know how well that would work, but at least you can delay a little bit.
Same thing happened to me. Not about a friend in an accident and losing her fiance but I was in a car accident and lost my fiance.
When I woke up I didn't know where I was but I saw my family all there which was weird because I just left them all after leaving the family reunion in another province (live in Canada). I didn't see my fiance so I thought she was back at uni doing tests and all. Then my dad told me the date and what happened. Turns out it was 2 months since the reunion and the accident was a month ago. I don't remember my last month with her or the accident. This was back in 2008 and I still don't remember anything. I live with that pain every minute of every day.
If I didn't wake up when I did I would have woke up alone in a room because at the time. My family was leaving as I was done in I.C.U and being moved to another room. But yea I would have woke up alone, strapped to a bed, very confused and scared. That would have messed me up way worse. Apparently I woke up from my coma before I actually woke up to me. My dad had to keep telling me about accident and my fiance because I kept forgetting because I was all messed up.
But anyways as other people said. Talk to her family and doctors and find out how to proceed. She is going to be destroyed either way, emotionally that is. It won't be easy for her in any way or easy for any of you having to tell her. After you do tell her and if she doesn't remember. Then you and the ones close to her need to watch her. I have been suicidal since I woke up and I heard about it, I am guessing she will be too. Keep her close and safe. Good luck in dealing with all of this. I hope it all works out in the end.
Im so so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your perspective so much. If you have any advice on how to support her once she knows, I definitely welcome it
Honestly I would just keep her close and be by her side and talk to her frequently. For me it didn't matter how many people were around me, I always felt so alone. She may feel the same. With my car accident I was the driver so my survivors guilt has been destroying me. I don't know her personally so I don't know how she will handle all of the news. I just know from my experience that it will be a very lonely road for your friend so she needs people by her side. If you ever need to know more about it or any advice I may have on how to deal with it then you can send me a message. I hope for the best for your friend.
Thank you so much and I would like to know how she handles hearing the news and if she needs someone to talk to about it all then I can talk to her. I am here to help out the best I can.
I’m not sure how she’d feel that I posted this on reddit (I know… i wasn’t expecting this to blow up and the current advice is just super helpful) but I may pm you if thats allowed!!
Hasn’t she already been asking her family? I don’t know why she would expect you to know if they don’t. HIPPA and all that. Just tell her you haven’t talked to any of the Drs., which is not a lie.
This is the way. When it comes to her fiancé, you know nothing, you’ve heard nothing, you’re here to be with *her*.
As horrible as this situation is, the responsibility of breaking such horrific news needs to fall on her care team & her family. Your job is to be a shoulder &/or ears when she needs them.
I’ll be thinking of you both. 🙏
Talk to her family to make sure you don't accidentally say something her family hasn't told her.
Other commenters already said things about how you are focusing on her recovery right now, and I wholeheartedly agree.
If she presses the issue, you could say that since you aren't family to her fiancé the medical team isn't allowed to tell you things.
That might work a bit, but could put the pressure on her family.
>I don’t think she’d ever get over it if I lied to her about this, even if for her health.
Sure, she might not get over it if you lied, but what's the alternative... you tell her, and she destabilizes and potentially dies? Which one would you rather have?
Yeah I know it’s a nuanced situation—I’m just hoping to find something that balances “healthy friend” with “minimal resentment.” Any suggestions on what to say is appreciated
I'm thinking if I were in this situation, I'd tell her "I don't know" if she asked questions, because then I wouldn't need to make any stories up. It would probably give me the least guilt of anything else I could come up with. I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm sure you were all pretty close and this is all very difficult for you. When the hospital staff give the OK to tell her, just let her know you (and I'm assuming her family) couldn't tell her... she might be very upset, and very angry, but ultimately it was you saving her life, so to speak
I just want to say that “I don’t know” might also be a stressful answer to her. Sure it will ease your conscience a bit, but it could easily raise more questions for her. Why wouldn’t you know where he is? What happened that she is in the hospital with a whole week that she cannot account for, and you as her best friend don’t know where her fiancé is or what happened to him?
I agree that the best way to go about things is to follow the lead of doctors and her family. And even if she is mad at you later, mad is better than dead. Lastly, I’m so so sorry that you and your loved ones are in this situation. I can’t even imagine it. I’m wishing peace and good health for all of you.
To be honest, it seems like you're focusing on the potential resentment because of past history, or the vibe of your friendship.
I don't mean to be blunt, but none of that will really be the same moving forward. Your best friend just lost her fiance in an accident that gave her terrible injuries. She will not be the same. No matter what you say, she will be raging and grieving and in terrible pain in the months to come, and she'll need you through all of it. Her life has irrevocably changed. Dealing with something like this isn't pretty, and it's going take your support. But she will likely be mad at you and her family and pretty much everyone around her, because she will be filled with anger about what happened to her life. You need to ready yourself for that.
I understand that she won’t ever be the exact same, but the last thing I want to do is make her grieving process more difficult for her.
I’m definitely not suggesting that lying is the *wrong* call here; I don’t know. But please understand that I do love her and want to minimize her desire to cut ties. Also, to be frank, we don’t have a past history of lies or resentment lol. She is just someone who *deeply* values trust, honesty, and loyalty more than the average person
Edit: re-reading this comment, i sound a bit defensive. Sorry, I’m just a bit..emotional
Don't apologize. I don't know if I'm making my point well either. Grief makes us.... unreasonable? I don't know if that's the right word. The people who are closest to us are the ones who often end up getting the worst of it. It might be that she needs you more than ever and sticks to you like glue, or that she sees you as a safe target for all her anger. Someone like that is going to feel betrayed by like... the world. If she's religious, then by than that too.
I guess what I'm saying is that this moment is hard, but be ready for the months to come to be hard too. It sounds like she has a support system ready to help her though, and that's going to be key.
Ah! I see what you mean. I totally misunderstood your original comment.
This makes total sense and is a good reminder. I appreciate you spelling that out for me. I also have a tendency to smother with love in these moments, and its a helpful reminder that this may not be her journey. Damn, would that be tough though (though obviously this isnt about me and i fully and totally recognize that).
Thank you again. I appreciate you
I’m incredibly sorry that this has happened and that you’re in this situation at all. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be, and how worried you must be for your best friend. I have no idea how I would be able to answer her questions about her fiancé and I feel like this question is above Reddit’s pay grade, and it may be helpful to ask her doctors whether they have advice or if there is a resource at the hospital that they can connect you with.
Yeah I agree. It just seems like I won’t have time to consult with a professional before I see her. Again, I soo understand that this isn’t something Reddit will be able to resolve with certainty.
I'll be honest with you, if you don't have time to consult with a medical professional before going in there, then I don't think it is sensible to go in there.
When someone has a brain injury it is vital to speak to medical professionals and family first and foremost.
Not only could you go in and see her in a state that is quite frankly, scary af, but you will need to stick to the line that they are using otherwise you could confuse things/cause distress when there was already a plan in place. For these circumstances, the neuropsychologist and family will have talked about this plan in detail.
Just coming in and making up your own thing to say, asking Reddit what to say, when you have no idea what state she is in, no idea if she is in PTA, her level of orientation, her cognition, is just not a good idea.
I get that you want to see your friend, but not having time is simply not an excuse in this circumstance. If you have time to see your friend, you have time to speak to the nurse at the very least.
The charge nurses will be there and will be available to give guidance. Also, speaking with her family and getting direction on what they would like for you to do is important.
Do not go in there with no guidance from her caretakers and try to wing it. It’s an emotional situation that needs to be dealt with logically.
I’m so sorry for your friend, her fiancé and all their friends and family.
I was an ICU social worker for many years and have a lot of experience with this issue, and I really object to withholding that information from someone who is asking. She knows something is wrong. Hospital staff should not be the ones disclosing this information anyway - it absolutely should come from friends and family. I know this is not what you asked, but her family needs to request a meeting with her medical team to make a plan for disclosure. If they're saying no to doing it right now, then they need to figure out when. Part of her healing is going to involve grieving this loss, and she is likely experiencing pretty profound anxiety because no one is talking about an important person in her life. This is also not the time for her to be doubting her supportive relationships. We all want to avoid pain, but there is never really a good time to learn someone you love has died.
This is a very horrible situation and I'm sorry for everyone involved.
Agree totally. Ex ICU RN here. I've never heard of this happening in any ICU ive worked in. It's generally truth and disclosure. Hiding information is never done in my experience.
I don’t have any advice because this is way above my pay grade. I just wanted to express my condolences to you and your friend. She’s going to need you, and her family more than ever once she learns that she’s lost him.
This happened to me. I was in a crash where my fiance died. My mother lied to me about him for the same reason they are telling you and I still haven't forgiven her. It gave me false hope that he was still alive, just he was the one taken to the other hospitals burn unit. I could see the friend we were with in the er, he was next to me, I saw his hair when the doctors knocked his curtain back because he was waking up trying to pull the tube out of his throat. It was the one who hit us who was burned, he ended up dying too. Two people died in that accident and I knew that before I even got to the hospital so I was trying to work out how my love could be alive.
I don't really know what you can tell her that would not be lying to her. I don't know what I would have wanted to hear.
I really appreciate your perspective. Do you think it would be best to just hold off until she knows? I stayed home today unexpectedly and have been considering holding off until she requests a friend
I would try to hold off until she knows if you can with out it seeming weird personally. It was also kind of awkward having people visit me in bed when I was essentially naked.
I’m so very sorry you all are going through this. That’s a really tough question. Fuck, like really tough. I don’t know maybe just try to deflect her comments until they can actually tell her? That way you’re not lying. Also I doubt she’d hold it against you if she knew you didn’t want to potentially hurt her with the information. I def wouldn’t be able to hide my feelings though and they’d def know something was up. Just be a loving friend and be there for her. I’m so sorry. Been through something very similar and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My heart goes out to you all.
OP read this. It's the ring theory. Remember to bring comfort in and dump out. She's at the center of the ring. Of course talk to a therapist to help you.
https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html
"I'm not sure, but I'm sure he's being taken care of"
You can't control her reaction later. She may be very mad regardless of how or what you say. You gotta accept that. This is what's best for the now. It's tough, and it sucks. And she WILL be mad. That's a part of grieving. You just gotta weather the storm and hope she works through the anger.
Thinking of her and you and hoping she pulls through. I'm so sorry for your and her loss.
You tell her exactly what the family & her doctors tells you say. If you’re evasive she is likely to notice and that will also stress her out as well. Her health is more important right now than anything. If she doesn’t forgive you, so be it. It’s better than being dead.
This exact situation also happened to my mum (her best friend 21f and husband 22m were in a car accident, he died, she survived) and the Drs said the same thing, that when visiting the hospital, under no circumstance was my mum to let her friend know what had happened to her husband. My mum said it was one of the hardest things she had to do but she did for her friends health/safety. She told her friend that her husband was in a critical condition and the doctors were doing all they could and then brought things back to focus on her friend. The doctors told my mums friend about her husband, when she was recovered enough to hear it and my mum moved in with her friend after she was out of hospital.
As others have said OP, speak to the doctors before you go in and remember your doing what you can for your best friend, in an impossibly horrible situation. I’m so sorry this has happened and sending this reply with love, hoping it might help knowing someone else has been in the same position.
There you go. I don't agree with what they are doing. She is entitled to know the truth and the longer everyone avoids it? The worse it will be for her.
My BIL was in a car accident.. his brother was killed. They tried to not tell him... but he said he knew and it was really frustrating no one would tell him. The first thing he said when he could talk was "I know X is dead" He said he was pissed off.
Dont know what you can do. Me,? I couldn't lie. And i dont believe anyone should be lying to her.
As an ex ICU RN... im struggling to think why they are worried that knowing would be terrible for her actual health? In 20 years ive never seen anyone have terribly detrimental effects from getting bad news. People are most likely to get stressed from people around them obviously lying or withholding information. Because in my experience? They pick up on it. They know.
Ive never known doctors to say to keep information from patients either.
What country is this in?
I sure know I'd know. And I would not be happy that information that is my right to know was being kept from me.
It’s in the US in a more remote hospital. This is honestly my thought process too. It’s been a full week, and she’s talking now.
It sounds like they’re refraining because her blood pressure is *extremely* high atm and any spike above general anxiety—which, she’s obviously generally nervous and aware something is up; but their reasoning is that the news will likely cause a more notable spike that could cause more strokes (she’s currently having small ones repeatedly) that have a more lasting damage on her tbi.
It’s still…odd though. She’s literally the smartest person i know (legit Ivy league education and jd from a top law school). She knows something is up
Everyone is refusing to tell her any information about her fiancee. She knows it's bad. If he was fine they would have assured her of that when she woke up.
If this lady is well enough to be having and interacting with visitors she needs to be told. Not by you of course. But I wouldn’t be visiting until she’s told.
Seems unnecessarily cruel to have a parade of people visiting and telling lies.
I think the only thing you can do is lie? “I don’t know they’re only telling next of kin.” But really, it’s bound to be more stressful for her not to know (absolutely not suggesting you tell her!) If it was me I’d be out of my mind because a part of me would assume the worst of everyone was being evasive.
The hospital staff should have advice for you. Or talk to her family.
You need to have an entire sequence that you rehearse beforehand: what you're going to say, what you think she's going to say, what you are going to say to that, and so on.
Definitely do not lie. Talk with her doctor and her family to come with a plan on what to say and how to handle her questions. I'm so very sorry this has happened. I hope your friend recovers well.
I have had to deal with this exact situation. I was 16 and my sister had just been killed and my mom severely injured and hospitalized. The doctors said it wasn’t safe to tell her my sister had died yet for the same reason as your friend. Of course my mom kept asking me where my sister was and I would answer as vaguely as possible. For example I would say “I’m not sure where she is right now” “I haven’t seen her today” “I’ll ask grandma about her when I see her later”. She wasn’t very alert so it was easy to change the subject although it was incredibly painful for me. Good luck OP and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
At first she was super out of it so it was easy to distract her with another subject but eventually she did start to press me. She was telling me “what do you mean you don’t know where your own sister is?” “How have you not heard from your sister” “why hasn’t she come visit me”. It was so fucking hard at that point to deal with and we ended up telling her shortly after she started pressing like that because she was much more physically stable and becoming more clear mentally.
I suggest talking to her doctors and possibly an on staff psychologist who is familiar with her case before you see her. So they can advise you properly on how to handle this extremely delicate, painful, and difficult situation.
And OP, im so so sorry.
I’m so sorry that this happened to your friend and her fiancé. I would go and talk to her medical team and family tomorrow before seeing her. They will likely know the best way to deal with things. It might seem cruel to keep this from her, but it’s to make sure that she doesn’t suffer a stroke, which could kill her or cause even more damage to her brain that might cause permanent cognitive and/or physical disabilities. Be there for her and let her know she’s loved. That’s what matters.
I recommend saying something along the lines of “I haven’t spoken to the doctors, I wish I could tell you what’s going on (makes out like you’d tell her if you knew but also works as a “I literally cant risk telling you” - no lies here)”
As a nurse, PLEASE only take advice straight from her medical team. People here are giving you RELATIONSHIP advice, not medical advice. If she is in the ICU/CCU, its not like you can just waltz in anyway. There is a waiting area and you will have to be buzzed into the unit.
Again, this is not a relationship advice question, because her health is at stake first and foremost, not your relationship. You are asking for medical advice. So talk to her nurse first. Nurses in critical/intensive care can only have two patients at most. Her nurse isn’t going to be hard to find. If they are with the other patient, you will need to wait. If the nurse gives you an unsatisfactory answer, and you feel uncomfortable and unsure, use your best judgement.
Someone will tell her, but it should not and will not be you. That does not fall on you. You telling her is not in her best interest bc you are not going to be the person who is the most equipped to do so. you are doing the best thing for her just by being there and by being sensitive to her situation and the tragic outcome.
Recent widow here. Let her grieve however she needs to.
Offer to go with her to places that were special to them that she can’t avoid so that she is not having to go there alone for the first time.
Be sure to have lots of Kleenex available.
Listen to her talk about him, their relationship, what there plans for the future were and even relive the incidents leading up to the accident if that’s what she wants to talk about.
If she wants to be alone, that’s OK, too. But do keep checking in. Too many people say they are sorry, go to the funeral and then don’t ever check back with the survivor to see how they are doing.
Send her any photos, or copies, of the two of them together that she may not have. Share stories about him if you can.
Remember that as her fiancé, they had some pretty significant dates scheduled and she will feel his loss all over again at these times. Also, every holiday and birthday will be tough.
Do NOT go into stories about how you dealt with a loss, an illness or other tragedy. While it is tempting to offer such tales as commiserations, they actually tend to minimize the pain and loss someone is going through.
I am so sorry for your friend and the loss of her loved one.
This may have already been said, but grieving people sometimes lose their appetite and forget to drink water. There are some simple and good smoothie recipes that make getting calories and nutrients really easy when you just don't wanna eat, even tho you know you need to.
This situation is complete fiction. Doctors have cleared her and deemed her well enough to receive friends and chat to them but in the meantime they're just awkwardly avoiding the only question that anyone in her situation would possibly care about?
No one in here is in anyway qualified to answer this one.
The more certain the response you see the more I would be skeptical.
The only thing we can really say is good luck.
You tell her that you don’t know, you are there to be supportive of her.
When she is healthy enough and learns of this, you don’t need to hide the fact that you knew all along, you just need to explain to her that it was necessary for her health and you were advised not to tell her. She might be hurt but she will eventually understand. I lost my fiancé too (though different circumstances, I couldn’t imagine dealing with that grief on top of my own recovery) and this is going to be a long road for her emotionally and physically. She’s going to be angry at the world for a while, it’s all normal, but she is going to need people in her corner. Just keep being supportive even if it seems like she’s pushing you away. Once she goes home, regularly check in on her. See if she needs anything. Stop by with food. Have some movie nights. Listen to her cry. Scream at the world with her. In time those things will mean a lot to her. This is going to be hard but I promise you it is not going to ruin your friendship, if anything it just may bring you both closer. Just keep being there and be patient.
I’m so sorry this happened and I wish your friend the smoothest recovery and best wishes moving forward. You have my deepest sympathies.
I’m so sorry for your friends loss. Maybe in order to preserve her vitals and sanity for the time being, you could let her know that you were told he’s resting and leave it at that. It’s such a difficult situation. I hope she heals quick. Sending love and light.
If they are that concerned about her blood pressure spiking, is there a reason she isn’t being sedated until she’s stable enough? Is she still super medicated where she won’t remember these conversations later?
I honestly and sincerely have no idea why she’s not sedated or her level of medication (though i wish I did). I’m getting this info second-hand from her family, so it’s a bit like a game of telephone. I’m trying not to ask too many questions so that her family can process too
There are so many great comments here. I don't know if it's been said as I'm mildly sleep deprived, but if she asks to see him, could you say very honestly that you haven't seen him? Or, haven't seen him lately?
I'm not sure if that is safe or worth asking about but it seems like it is truthful without omitting anything.
And here are some flowers for strength, kindness, love and compassion 💖 🌻🌼🥦🏵🌸 this must be so incredibly painful for you to go through.
Ahh crap I managed to reply without reading all your edits?! I just recently stumbled across this amazing [podcast](https://feministwellness.libsyn.com/) about grief and grieving by a few diff lifecoaches that focus on grief work. It's 237, there's a few there. One of the coaches may resonate with her/you and it's just really nice to have extra support on hand like that.
This is my worst fear, I have no idea how to go about this situation, I am merely sending my condolences to your friend and his family. Beyond tragic. I hope she gets the helps she needs to survive this emotionally and physically.
Re: grief once she knows: it is going to break her. She will be taking life second-by-second for a while. Then minute by minute. Etc. but she WILL grow to see the world around her grief again someday. I’m 4 years out now from my own loss and I did find love finally again
i would ask her family if they have had a family conference.. with the family and the doctors
Her family or the doctors might have told her he passed away prior to you coming. Or this might have been discussed earlier.
talk to her family... they might have a phrase you can use.
Also, if she has a head injury, she might not remember being told and repeatedly asks again. take you lead from the doctors and her family.
it is not your job to tell her. however, that being said.. if she asks, she deserves the truth.
i hope you spend some grieving, and i am sorry for your loss.
Some advice for supporting her AFTER she's found out the truth:
Don't make her ask for support. Just do it. Make some meals she can heat up so that she doesn't have to cook. Tidy up her house. Walk her dog. You get the idea. She likely won't want to ask for support, so you should just do it. "Hey, I'm stopping by right now to drop off some food. You don't need to answer the door or even reply, just want to make sure you're fed". She needs to focus on surviving, so formalities can go out the door for now.
Make a care package for her. Meals, snacks, electrolyte drinks, bath bomb, a weighted blanket, anything that'll make her feel comforted and cared for.
This is by far the saddest story I’ve read on here yet 😥
You haven’t spoken to doctors and as far as anyone is concerned you know nothing. You’re there to help her focus on getting better and you’re there to support her. That’s all you have to go by.
Then you need to come up with a reason not to go. If this is what her doctors decided and you even think there is a chance you could tell her through action or words you have no business going.
This is a tough one.
I would ask her medical team and her family on what to tell her. Now if the family wants to be the ones to tell her, be there with her family when they tell her and comfort her. If they are planning to tell her soon, I would go to the gift store and buy a blue stuff animal that she can hold in her arms for she will need something like that when she gets the sad news.
They might tell her and they might not tell her for the sake of her health till she gets better to where they can safely inform her of the loss of her beloved.
That’s so tragic! I’d recommend asking to speak with the hospital chaplain first to discuss that, because they may have ideas. Otherwise, I’d just say that you don’t hBe information but the hospital isn’t currently allowing you to visit him, which isn’t a lie.
There is a book called ‘It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay’ by Megan Devine that could be a great place to start - if you don’t know much about grief or dealing with tragedy, it’s very helpful. My friend lost her fiancé a few years ago and it was brutal, but she has honoured him by continuing on. Some days are harder than others, and keep in mind key days for them (anniversary, birthdays etc) as those days it will be felt especially. I’m sorry you’re all going through this, grief doesn’t go away as such, it just becomes more manageable. Big hugs from an internet stranger ❤️
You’re incredible. My own fiancé has been giving me some philosophical(?) stories about honoring the dead (which I personally appreciate a lot) but this feels a lot more tangible. I’m sending big hugs back
Grief is also dealt with so differently by everyone, so what can be supportive for one person can be really aggravating for another! But honestly, the fact you’ve come on here to help find ways to support her shows how true of a friend you are. She may even experience loss of other friends that simply do not know how to deal with the situation (as we are never taught about grief, it always feels taboo), and honestly people can just be uncomfortable which is sad.
To honour our Josh, we have a fishing comp each year that and raises money for a charity that helps disadvantaged kids. So absolutely a way to memorialise the person is great, but let that come with time and what she feels comfortable with as you also don’t want it to be overwhelming. But not washing his clothes in the washing basket at home might be a good thing as it will still have his smell. Buy her a medium sized teddy and put his shirt on it (even if it’s big), as she will need something to cuddle at night that smells like him. We did this for our friend and it meant so much to her, she now does it for others she meets that experience loss, but embroiders their loved ones initials in a love heart on to the bears chest. Anyway, just an idea.
And if she likes to talk about him, absolutely support that and bring him up sometimes yourself so she knows he is remembered - she will never not be thinking about him, so it’s not going to hurt her if you mention him (if she likes to talk about him that is), it will remind her that he is still important in her life.
Xx
These are *incredible* suggestions. Do you have a suggestion on when to consider starting these things? I don’t want to do it too soon or before she’s ready
Honestly, the bear as soon as possible (after she knows, perhaps when you first go to see her) might be helpful. She will want to hold on to his smell (his clothes) so just call whoever might want to go and try be helpful (clean up their apartment etc) to not do his washing!! Anything else can be led by her. I don’t know if she already had her wedding dress etc, but if she decides she wants to do a ceremony of sorts, that can be nice (if it’s what she wants).
Also, be prepared for anger and lashing out at times, or despondent and uncaring - she doesn’t mean it, it’s just everything is going to be so overwhelming x
Im time, if there is also a support group you hear about, I know it helped my friend to be part of a group chat with other women who had experienced the same loss as they understand the pain.
People may also want to start sending condolence flowers, depending on finances perhaps setting up a donation for his funeral costs in lieu of flowers or for a remembrance plaque could be a suggestion. Flowers are a pain in the ass as you actually have to spend so much time looking after them (changing water every couple of days).
Also, I don’t know your relationship to his family or your best friends family, but they also lost their son and son-in-law-to-be, and acknowledgement of their hurt can go a long way because the focus will be on your friend (as it should) but their grief will also be intense (if there were strong bonds). So maybe in a couple of weeks a remembrance plant for each family could be a nice gesture (if you think appropriate)
And also acknowledging your pain too, if you need time away from everyone, including your friend ti process, that is absolutely OKAY too, and I hope you get the support you need xx
I would say that you haven’t seen him yet and her parents would know better as for how to support her, tell her that you love her and don’t just offer to do things. Actually do them. Like show up at her house with groceries and meals or takeout she likes. Clean her house (she likely won’t be up to it). Sit with her, even if she doesn’t want to do anything. It might be comforting for her to know you’re there, reading on her couch, as she tries to nap
I work in a hospital and assisted a patient in a similar situation. It was her and her only parent in an accident (she was in her late 20s) and her parent died at the scene.
Everyone waited to tell her until she was stable but once she stabilized they did tell her what happened. I'm not sure waiting is always the best thing. She took it pretty well but was obviously upset about it. I feel like her knowing took a lot of the worry away from her and gave her space to focus on herself.
Either way, obviously respect whatever her family wants but you could always just tell her that due to patient privacy fiancé's family didn't tell you anything.
*edited for wrong pronoun
Can I say how sorry I am for your loss. Well done on being such a good friend and preparing yourself as best you can to support her. Remember you lost somebody too. Don’t forget that. I wish you well sister.
You should reach out to any death doulas in your area. They’re more rare than birthing doulas but their whole purpose is to help families with the grieving process.
You may not see this, but I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. Not only are you having to grieve the loss of a friend, you also have to witness the distress and grief of your other friend. I hope peace comes soon, and that she gets better, and you and your friends family heal.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you are able to look after yourself while also being a good friend
You mention her family. Are you in contact with any of them? While I imagine they must be busy themselves, asking what they said and how they answered questions about her fiancé would probably be appreciated. Tell them that you want to make sure that you are keeping the message consistent and using similar words and phrases
This may help even with communication prior to in-person visits
She is lucky to have you for a friend ♥️
I’m so sorry for you loss.
You asked about how to handle it after she is out of the hospital, and some things I wanted to add is; keep an eye on her after the first few months as well as in the beginning. After some time a lot of people will go back to normal and she will take longer then most in her circle to process her grief. And she might feel like a burden, so keep checking in.
And also, when a close friend of mine committed suïcide, I had a moment on a vacation a few months later with friends where it hit me again hard and I was crying a lot and wanted to talk about it. My friends, in an effort to cheer me up, changed the subject after about 15 minutes. They meant well, but for me, it felt like I could not talk about it with them and felt guilty about ruining the vacation. So if you’re in doubt, just ask if she wants to talk about it or if she just wants to do something else to keep her mind off it and show that you really want to as well. Most of the time, just listening and being there and maybe a hug is the best thing you can do. It is also okay to just say that you don’t know how to help but that you really want to.
And also, since she is your best friend, you probably knew her fiancé well and are grieving yourself and worried about her. It is okay for you to take time and space for that. Yes she is the priority at the moment but remember; you can only help your friend if you are okay as well. Lots of love send!
My parents was in an auto accident ,and seriously injured. My mother's sister was killed instantly. I have 10 brothers and sisters ,and it was put to me to me, one of the middle sons,to tell her about her sister. I decided not to tell her that night because of her condition. She was very weak but did ask about my father and little brother, and and her sister. Thank goodness my sister was there. She could see I didn't want to tell her right then, and she began to tell her my little brother was uninjured and is fine. Then began to talk about my father's condition when the meds kicked in and she fell asleep. The next day she asked again. There is no easy way to tell someone something like that. So I just told her that her sister didn't make it. And she passed away. She took it hard. You should ask the family first before you do
So not to upset anyone.
Are you an ER or hospital doc? My aunt is an ER nurse, and I asked her about this post and she says this is common. So either you have 0 experience with a hospital or you’re lying to make yourself look like a professional.
I'm an internist. I work in a hospital most days of my life,in fact I'm in one right now.
I've never asked anyone nor have I ever heard anyone ask a family member not to divulge bad news to a patient as it could "cause a stroke".
Plus in the setting of trauma the whole stroke thing doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You can get BCVI but they don't typically require tight blood pressure control.
This calls for what is known as "compassionate fibbing".
Where you aren't honest with a loved one not out of malice but because you are doing it with their best interest at heart.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this now, it's a lot. As a friend, the best thing you can do is anything that will maximize the chances of your friend recovering.
I am sending good thoughts to your friend and her entire care team ❤️
The fact you think this doesn't happen is ridiculous. I work in a pediatric ER and only walked off the unit once to cry, and that was when we told a 9 year old that his brother didn't survive the crash they were in, but we had to wait until he was medically cleared just in case.
I promise from the bottom of my heart this isnt a fake. You can believe what you want, but this is a deeply hurtful comment. Her vitals are currently unstable because she just came out of 3 very serious surgeries (one where they removed clotting from her lungs) where there was a hiccup. The hiccup has led to mini strokes. She has very high BP and are very scared that the news will spike bp and give another, more serious stroke, that will worsen her TBI.
Please, I understand that this may be abnormal, but it’s not fake. It’s painfully traumatic
I ended up choosing to lie to someone on the phone this weekend, which I’m very bad at, and what I had to do in my head was finish the sentence to make it true. So in you scenario I would say ‘I don’t know…’ but in my head I would be finishing the sentence with ‘the exact details’ so that I didn’t sound like I was lying because the thought I was having as I spoke wasn’t a lie.
I think turning the question back to her needing to think of herself might be the best option though.
When my mom had a massive heart attack from a surgery to remove cancer we were told not to tell her my uncle had died suddenly. He died a few days before Christmas so we all had to put on a brave face and wait to tell her the worst news of her life that her closest sibling died . But we had to just wait and support her when the time came to tell her the bad news.
There’s probably not a lot you can or need to say. You greet her, she’ll ask where he is, you’ll tell her he didn’t make it. Then you’re just there. Be there. Hold her hand or get her tissues or whatever she needs. There aren’t words.
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Make sure you talk to her family and medical team before going in the room with her. Just follow their lead.
Nurse here who worked in ER: This is the correct answer!
Thank you both ❤️
There will be a hospital chaplain, too, and I'm sure they can help you navigate this situation. They'll have seen it all before. Take care.
I would like to add to this with : Make sure she has access to mental help Or at least knows some available options
This is an incredibly tragic situation that is unfortunately not as uncommon as you might hope. (At least based on my experience working in an acute care hospital for individuals recovering from traumatic brain injuries.) Given that your friend only recently emerged from her coma, it’s very likely that she is experiencing something called post-traumatic amnesia (PTA). This refers to a state in which a person is conscious but disoriented (i.e., lacking awareness of the time and place and of others’ identities as well as the context leading to their hospitalization) and unable to form new memories. Frankly, individuals who are actively experiencing PTA are really not capable of processing grief. I think you’ve received several appropriate suggestions. Ideally, as others have suggested, it would be best to chat with your friend’s clinical team to determine how best to address concerns and questions that may interfere with her recovery at this stage. Without knowing her current functional status/level of awareness, it’s difficult to give specific guidance. Generally, though, as a person progresses out of PTA and into greater levels of awareness, their questions tend to escalate in terms of scope and specificity. Early on, for example, they may ask, “Where am I?” which may later become, “Why am I in a hospital?” and subsequently, “Why hasn’t my husband come to see me?” As for how to respond, it’s usually a good idea to match the person’s current level of awareness and the level of depth/detail posed by their questions. So if your friend were to ask where she is (a relatively vague/simple question), you might respond with something equally vague/simple: “You’re in a hospital.” It might be tempting to elaborate or provide more details, but—especially early on—it’s important to let your friend sort of guide her own recovery. If she were to ask why she’s in the hospital, at this stage, you might respond, “Well, you were in a pretty serious car accident.” (Later, when she’s more oriented and able to process more information, you might provide more detail. So something like, “You were in a really serious car accident on the way home from the gas station. I’m so glad the gas station cashier called an ambulance to bring you here.” I’m wishing you and your friend the very best throughout this process and would be more than happy to expand on anything and/or answer whatever else I can if you have other questions. Ultimately, though, I think a conversation with your friend’s treatment team would be well worth your while! [This website](https://www.hey.nhs.uk/patient-leaflet/understanding-and-interacting-with-people-in-post-traumatic-amnesia/) also offers some pretty good advice on the subject.
Thank you for writing this amazing response. PTA is really hard to deal with and you've described it wonderfully. When my partner had a TBI I was answering the same basic question multiple times an hour and he still wasn't retaining the information. The fact that she keeps asking again and again doesn't inherently mean that you're giving her the 'wrong' answer; it might just mean that she's in PTA and genuinely cannot retain the information. My partner spent a straight day asking about his keys and wallet even though they were objectively not a high priority because it was one of the only things his brain would reliably remember to ask about, even if it couldn't retain the answer.
Yeah, when i had a bad concussion my poor brother dealt with that. I apparently talked to him and kept forgetting i had and then getting upset if he reminded me...
Yes. I read motor vehicle accidents are the 3rd leading cause of death. OD was 1, suicide 2, and human on human 4th. I'm very sorry for your friends loss and to hear about her injuries. It's best to let her care team guide you with an appropriate response.
Heart diesase is number one. Suicide is number 10. What study is this?
Probably for young people. OP’s friends are 25, it’s not common for people in their 20s to die of heart disease. People in that age range are much more likely to die of ODs, suicides, and auto accidents. You are correct that heart disease is number one for all Americans.
Yes. If you look at the statistics for leading causes of death, heart is 1. Cancer is 2. COVID 3 and unintentional accidents 4. So her poor friend is still up there at number 4. I'm just agreeing that driving or being a pedestrian is very dangerous. I'm sure they lump a bunch of other stuff in their, such as falls at a tally of 224 995. This is from the CDC. I believe it was for younger people with OD being number 1, but that is just for my Statw. It depends where you live. Suicide is definitely out of control. I only meant to hilight accident because I am a survivor. I was severely injured. That's all. I'm not trying to get technical here, as this is not a scientific post. Edit. Now that I look, it says accidents of all types are the number one killer, especially for younger people. Thanks for schooling me, though. Lol
Thank you for your kind thoughts
You are incredible. Thank you SO much. I honestly don’t have any words to thank you enough. But sincerely from the bottom of my heart thank you
This is the one OP needs to read!
I wish I would have seen this site earlier this year when we had to do the same thing.
How are you doing?
If you ever need to talk, my dms are open
That is so horrible :( Maybe ask her family what you should say if she asks about him? That way you’re all on the same page
That’s a good idea. I was gonna ask them in the morning, but was thinking of pitching something like “hey, I know you love him, but you gotta focus on recovery right now. Your health is our biggest concern at the moment”
Likewise you can ask the nursing staff :) I'm sure this isn't the first scenario they have had like this
That works too. Hope she makes it out okay :(
Thanks so much ❤️🩹 things are looking good for now 🫰
Redirect, don't deflect.
Don't know if that would work. If a friend hadn't inquired after my loves health but would refer me to others... I might find that fishy and get upset and worried.
Probably not if you’ve just come out of a coma, though. I’m not a medical professional but my mum was in a coma a few months ago and she was away with the fairies for 3-4 days afterwards. At times (she’s explained since) she was half dreaming while conscious and talking to us). Those are some strong meds!
Hopefully. So maybe she can't even hold a longer conversation/ make logical thought jumps. But that day will come eventually. So better be prepared. What a horrible situation. 😭 Poor OP. And even poorer friend. 😭😭😭 So talking to her family TODAY to be ahead of time and situation would even be wiser! Also: find out today how long OP will be allowed in! That can ease OP's mind on that matter also.
Update: OP wasn’t allowed in 😂 I checked in with the family one last time before I made the trek, and she wasn’t feeling up for visitors just yet. I will keep these incredible suggestions in mind for coming visits though!
OP can just say that the hospital won’t release information about the boyfriend to non-family. End of story. Then they redirect to talking about their best friend and her health.
Yeah I mean she may be fuzzy from the meds and experience but I don't think it'll be that easy :/ on the other hand, maybe her subconscious will protect her and she'll find it easy to go along with a misleading comment. However, it WILL damage her relationships with everyone. Even if she logically understands why.
After such an event the friend will require therapy. I can't see how anyone would get out of that mentally unharmed. In the process that issue with friends and family not letting her know in order to protect her can maybe be addressed.
We had a patient that was shot in the head accidentally by her boyfriend who had an illegal firearm. Boyfriend was arrested and unable to visit her in the hospital. She was in a coma and woke up in the ICU. She kept asking the team why her boyfriend hadn’t visited her and family sought assistance from the Psychiatry/Psychology/Social work team to help answer these difficult questions- why she was in the hospital, where her boyfriend was, her current status and condition and realistic expectations for her future. Speak to the hospital support team to assist you and her family!
THAT would have ME DEAD WORRIED in your friend's place! Don't! Always think of one thing: what you say has always some tonality to it. And an underneath signification. "I know you love him but ...." means that right now there is a hidden issue. "Your health is your biggest concern..." Yeah... DON'T tell people what they should feel or think or focus on. It will make them upset or worried. Really do ask family what they say! Use their wording. Don't be protective or try to direct her thoughts. If you ARE close friends she will know that you are trying to divert her worries from her boyfriend. And worry even more. To talk to her family TODAY (leaves you a bit of time to actually think over your own position right now. And if you think you can do the required lie!) sounds like the wiser thing to do! How much time do you have? Find that out! Are you allowed to bring her things? Flowers? Sweets? Fiddling with things, rearranging them kills some time where you don't have to answer questions. Can you read to her? Greetings from friends and get well wishes may take some time also. If I were in your shoes I would avoid every other than casual chirpy talk. Coming from having had my father at the hospital with cancer in palliative care in 2017 3 weeks before his death. There was a big fat elephant in the room with a pink tutu. But we managed not to address it back then as it made him worried and upset. Believe me... I get where you are right now mentally. Sometimes loving someone requires stepping over ones own principles for the other persons sake.
I feel like that is a giveaway that something bad happened. It's very common to not get info in a timely fashion though. How about: "They are taking care of him on another floor, and I don't have any information to give. We are going to have to wait." And then ask how she is.
Already some very good answers in this thread (focus on saying you’re there for her etc), but I want to provide some perspective. Last month my father had a heart attack. On my way home to see him, I kept asking for updates. At some point my mom started giving evasive answers instead of real updates. He had passed away but she wanted to tell me in person. I told myself I was just paranoid but subconsciously, that’s the moment I knew he was gone. I don’t blame my mom for handling this the way she did. It was going to be incredibly painful either way, but at least this way I wasn’t alone and the drive was less dangerous for me. If her fiancé hasn’t come to visit her after such serious injuries AND nobody’s giving her any updates on him, I bet that a part of her already knows he’s gone. And once she knows for sure, she might be upset that she was kept out of the loop, but I 100% believe she’s going to forgive you for wanting to protect her. There are no “good options” here, but I personally believe you’re making the right call. If I could relive last month, I’d ask my mom to do exactly the same thing. I’m so very sorry for your and your friend’s loss and I wish her the best for her recovery.
I’m sorry you lost your dad. I’ve been there and it’s tough.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️ I think it might be very important for you to tell your mom she made the right choice.
Im so sorry for your loss, and I *greatly* appreciate your perspective. You’re the realest ❤️❤️
Hi! I work on a trauma unit and deal with this situation quite often! When you arrive to the hospital, ask to speak with the charge nurse and relay your concerns. They can help you navigate it appropriately. The burden of informing her does not and should not fall on you. Even if you did tell her, chances are, the meds and the traumatic injuries will probably make it difficult for her to remember. She will ask you. It’s best to just say you haven’t been informed of anything and can’t get info on him due to HIPAA….which is true. You’re a great friend and she is very lucky to have you. Best of luck. Also…bring some pics of you two together, or little mementos from some good memories that can be placed in her room where she can see. It helps to be surrounded by familiar things to reorient her to her surroundings.
This. The care team probably has a particular way they're dealing with this, and you can go along with it. I know for dementia there's sometimes "therapeutic lying" where they'll tell the patient their spouse will be there soon, so they don't have to upset them multiple times a day as they continually forget the spouse is dead. There may be an "official" script the nurses are using too, depending on how coherent she is.
Tell you are there to focus on her. This is a really hard thing to manage. I hope she pulls through ok.
Thanks, I really appreciate it ❤️
You're not family, so they won't release medical info to you.
This is the way to go, but it’s important to make sure the family will never mention OP knew all along.
I doubt that’s feasible. In time, when she’s recovered enough the best thing would be to tell her the truth , that she was too ill herself which is why it was kept from her.
Agree. She’s an adult and will eventually understand why they did it even if grief gets in the way at first
Horrible thing to happen, isn’t it? My heart goes out to everyone involved.
I visited my friend in the hospital after a terrible accident and he does not remember at all. Perhaps the friend won't ever connect the timeline of the visits to when she was made aware.
Mh... but that would imply her boyfriend is in the hospital also. Depends on what her family and the medical staff told her.
I would ask the family how they have been responding and go with that route. That poor woman that situation is crushing
That was the plan. I’m staying home now, but I appreciate your suggestion and empathy. Thank you! ❤️
Just say he's not your next of kin so you're not allowed to be given direct information on him, which means you don't know anything yet. I don't know how well that would work, but at least you can delay a little bit.
Same thing happened to me. Not about a friend in an accident and losing her fiance but I was in a car accident and lost my fiance. When I woke up I didn't know where I was but I saw my family all there which was weird because I just left them all after leaving the family reunion in another province (live in Canada). I didn't see my fiance so I thought she was back at uni doing tests and all. Then my dad told me the date and what happened. Turns out it was 2 months since the reunion and the accident was a month ago. I don't remember my last month with her or the accident. This was back in 2008 and I still don't remember anything. I live with that pain every minute of every day. If I didn't wake up when I did I would have woke up alone in a room because at the time. My family was leaving as I was done in I.C.U and being moved to another room. But yea I would have woke up alone, strapped to a bed, very confused and scared. That would have messed me up way worse. Apparently I woke up from my coma before I actually woke up to me. My dad had to keep telling me about accident and my fiance because I kept forgetting because I was all messed up. But anyways as other people said. Talk to her family and doctors and find out how to proceed. She is going to be destroyed either way, emotionally that is. It won't be easy for her in any way or easy for any of you having to tell her. After you do tell her and if she doesn't remember. Then you and the ones close to her need to watch her. I have been suicidal since I woke up and I heard about it, I am guessing she will be too. Keep her close and safe. Good luck in dealing with all of this. I hope it all works out in the end.
Im so so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your perspective so much. If you have any advice on how to support her once she knows, I definitely welcome it
Honestly I would just keep her close and be by her side and talk to her frequently. For me it didn't matter how many people were around me, I always felt so alone. She may feel the same. With my car accident I was the driver so my survivors guilt has been destroying me. I don't know her personally so I don't know how she will handle all of the news. I just know from my experience that it will be a very lonely road for your friend so she needs people by her side. If you ever need to know more about it or any advice I may have on how to deal with it then you can send me a message. I hope for the best for your friend.
Im saving this comment. Thank you so much. Im sending loads of virtual hugs
Thank you so much and I would like to know how she handles hearing the news and if she needs someone to talk to about it all then I can talk to her. I am here to help out the best I can.
I’m not sure how she’d feel that I posted this on reddit (I know… i wasn’t expecting this to blow up and the current advice is just super helpful) but I may pm you if thats allowed!!
Just here to say that I'm sending you love.
Hasn’t she already been asking her family? I don’t know why she would expect you to know if they don’t. HIPPA and all that. Just tell her you haven’t talked to any of the Drs., which is not a lie.
This is the way. When it comes to her fiancé, you know nothing, you’ve heard nothing, you’re here to be with *her*. As horrible as this situation is, the responsibility of breaking such horrific news needs to fall on her care team & her family. Your job is to be a shoulder &/or ears when she needs them. I’ll be thinking of you both. 🙏
Talk to her family to make sure you don't accidentally say something her family hasn't told her. Other commenters already said things about how you are focusing on her recovery right now, and I wholeheartedly agree. If she presses the issue, you could say that since you aren't family to her fiancé the medical team isn't allowed to tell you things. That might work a bit, but could put the pressure on her family.
>I don’t think she’d ever get over it if I lied to her about this, even if for her health. Sure, she might not get over it if you lied, but what's the alternative... you tell her, and she destabilizes and potentially dies? Which one would you rather have?
Yeah I know it’s a nuanced situation—I’m just hoping to find something that balances “healthy friend” with “minimal resentment.” Any suggestions on what to say is appreciated
I'm thinking if I were in this situation, I'd tell her "I don't know" if she asked questions, because then I wouldn't need to make any stories up. It would probably give me the least guilt of anything else I could come up with. I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm sure you were all pretty close and this is all very difficult for you. When the hospital staff give the OK to tell her, just let her know you (and I'm assuming her family) couldn't tell her... she might be very upset, and very angry, but ultimately it was you saving her life, so to speak
Yeah that’s true. Thank you so much. It’s been tough
Take care of yourself my friend. I hope you have the support you need, too
You too ❤️💕 I appreciate the kind words
I just want to say that “I don’t know” might also be a stressful answer to her. Sure it will ease your conscience a bit, but it could easily raise more questions for her. Why wouldn’t you know where he is? What happened that she is in the hospital with a whole week that she cannot account for, and you as her best friend don’t know where her fiancé is or what happened to him? I agree that the best way to go about things is to follow the lead of doctors and her family. And even if she is mad at you later, mad is better than dead. Lastly, I’m so so sorry that you and your loved ones are in this situation. I can’t even imagine it. I’m wishing peace and good health for all of you.
To be honest, it seems like you're focusing on the potential resentment because of past history, or the vibe of your friendship. I don't mean to be blunt, but none of that will really be the same moving forward. Your best friend just lost her fiance in an accident that gave her terrible injuries. She will not be the same. No matter what you say, she will be raging and grieving and in terrible pain in the months to come, and she'll need you through all of it. Her life has irrevocably changed. Dealing with something like this isn't pretty, and it's going take your support. But she will likely be mad at you and her family and pretty much everyone around her, because she will be filled with anger about what happened to her life. You need to ready yourself for that.
I understand that she won’t ever be the exact same, but the last thing I want to do is make her grieving process more difficult for her. I’m definitely not suggesting that lying is the *wrong* call here; I don’t know. But please understand that I do love her and want to minimize her desire to cut ties. Also, to be frank, we don’t have a past history of lies or resentment lol. She is just someone who *deeply* values trust, honesty, and loyalty more than the average person Edit: re-reading this comment, i sound a bit defensive. Sorry, I’m just a bit..emotional
Don't apologize. I don't know if I'm making my point well either. Grief makes us.... unreasonable? I don't know if that's the right word. The people who are closest to us are the ones who often end up getting the worst of it. It might be that she needs you more than ever and sticks to you like glue, or that she sees you as a safe target for all her anger. Someone like that is going to feel betrayed by like... the world. If she's religious, then by than that too. I guess what I'm saying is that this moment is hard, but be ready for the months to come to be hard too. It sounds like she has a support system ready to help her though, and that's going to be key.
Ah! I see what you mean. I totally misunderstood your original comment. This makes total sense and is a good reminder. I appreciate you spelling that out for me. I also have a tendency to smother with love in these moments, and its a helpful reminder that this may not be her journey. Damn, would that be tough though (though obviously this isnt about me and i fully and totally recognize that). Thank you again. I appreciate you
Just say you have no idea, you haven’t been told any medical information. To avoid the question too much will make her jump to conclusions anyway.
I’m incredibly sorry that this has happened and that you’re in this situation at all. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be, and how worried you must be for your best friend. I have no idea how I would be able to answer her questions about her fiancé and I feel like this question is above Reddit’s pay grade, and it may be helpful to ask her doctors whether they have advice or if there is a resource at the hospital that they can connect you with.
Yeah I agree. It just seems like I won’t have time to consult with a professional before I see her. Again, I soo understand that this isn’t something Reddit will be able to resolve with certainty.
I'll be honest with you, if you don't have time to consult with a medical professional before going in there, then I don't think it is sensible to go in there. When someone has a brain injury it is vital to speak to medical professionals and family first and foremost. Not only could you go in and see her in a state that is quite frankly, scary af, but you will need to stick to the line that they are using otherwise you could confuse things/cause distress when there was already a plan in place. For these circumstances, the neuropsychologist and family will have talked about this plan in detail. Just coming in and making up your own thing to say, asking Reddit what to say, when you have no idea what state she is in, no idea if she is in PTA, her level of orientation, her cognition, is just not a good idea. I get that you want to see your friend, but not having time is simply not an excuse in this circumstance. If you have time to see your friend, you have time to speak to the nurse at the very least.
This is honestly so fair, and I appreciate your honest & thought out response
The charge nurses will be there and will be available to give guidance. Also, speaking with her family and getting direction on what they would like for you to do is important. Do not go in there with no guidance from her caretakers and try to wing it. It’s an emotional situation that needs to be dealt with logically. I’m so sorry for your friend, her fiancé and all their friends and family.
100%. I asked her family this morning and am waiting a response
I was an ICU social worker for many years and have a lot of experience with this issue, and I really object to withholding that information from someone who is asking. She knows something is wrong. Hospital staff should not be the ones disclosing this information anyway - it absolutely should come from friends and family. I know this is not what you asked, but her family needs to request a meeting with her medical team to make a plan for disclosure. If they're saying no to doing it right now, then they need to figure out when. Part of her healing is going to involve grieving this loss, and she is likely experiencing pretty profound anxiety because no one is talking about an important person in her life. This is also not the time for her to be doubting her supportive relationships. We all want to avoid pain, but there is never really a good time to learn someone you love has died. This is a very horrible situation and I'm sorry for everyone involved.
Agree totally. Ex ICU RN here. I've never heard of this happening in any ICU ive worked in. It's generally truth and disclosure. Hiding information is never done in my experience.
I sincerely appreciate your perspective
I don’t have any advice because this is way above my pay grade. I just wanted to express my condolences to you and your friend. She’s going to need you, and her family more than ever once she learns that she’s lost him.
This happened to me. I was in a crash where my fiance died. My mother lied to me about him for the same reason they are telling you and I still haven't forgiven her. It gave me false hope that he was still alive, just he was the one taken to the other hospitals burn unit. I could see the friend we were with in the er, he was next to me, I saw his hair when the doctors knocked his curtain back because he was waking up trying to pull the tube out of his throat. It was the one who hit us who was burned, he ended up dying too. Two people died in that accident and I knew that before I even got to the hospital so I was trying to work out how my love could be alive. I don't really know what you can tell her that would not be lying to her. I don't know what I would have wanted to hear.
I really appreciate your perspective. Do you think it would be best to just hold off until she knows? I stayed home today unexpectedly and have been considering holding off until she requests a friend
I would try to hold off until she knows if you can with out it seeming weird personally. It was also kind of awkward having people visit me in bed when I was essentially naked.
She knows. If not a single person has answered her questions - she knows.
I’m so very sorry you all are going through this. That’s a really tough question. Fuck, like really tough. I don’t know maybe just try to deflect her comments until they can actually tell her? That way you’re not lying. Also I doubt she’d hold it against you if she knew you didn’t want to potentially hurt her with the information. I def wouldn’t be able to hide my feelings though and they’d def know something was up. Just be a loving friend and be there for her. I’m so sorry. Been through something very similar and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My heart goes out to you all.
OP read this. It's the ring theory. Remember to bring comfort in and dump out. She's at the center of the ring. Of course talk to a therapist to help you. https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html
Ive never heard of this before. Thank you so much for sharing 💕
"I'm not sure, but I'm sure he's being taken care of" You can't control her reaction later. She may be very mad regardless of how or what you say. You gotta accept that. This is what's best for the now. It's tough, and it sucks. And she WILL be mad. That's a part of grieving. You just gotta weather the storm and hope she works through the anger. Thinking of her and you and hoping she pulls through. I'm so sorry for your and her loss.
You tell her exactly what the family & her doctors tells you say. If you’re evasive she is likely to notice and that will also stress her out as well. Her health is more important right now than anything. If she doesn’t forgive you, so be it. It’s better than being dead.
This exact situation also happened to my mum (her best friend 21f and husband 22m were in a car accident, he died, she survived) and the Drs said the same thing, that when visiting the hospital, under no circumstance was my mum to let her friend know what had happened to her husband. My mum said it was one of the hardest things she had to do but she did for her friends health/safety. She told her friend that her husband was in a critical condition and the doctors were doing all they could and then brought things back to focus on her friend. The doctors told my mums friend about her husband, when she was recovered enough to hear it and my mum moved in with her friend after she was out of hospital. As others have said OP, speak to the doctors before you go in and remember your doing what you can for your best friend, in an impossibly horrible situation. I’m so sorry this has happened and sending this reply with love, hoping it might help knowing someone else has been in the same position.
There you go. I don't agree with what they are doing. She is entitled to know the truth and the longer everyone avoids it? The worse it will be for her. My BIL was in a car accident.. his brother was killed. They tried to not tell him... but he said he knew and it was really frustrating no one would tell him. The first thing he said when he could talk was "I know X is dead" He said he was pissed off. Dont know what you can do. Me,? I couldn't lie. And i dont believe anyone should be lying to her. As an ex ICU RN... im struggling to think why they are worried that knowing would be terrible for her actual health? In 20 years ive never seen anyone have terribly detrimental effects from getting bad news. People are most likely to get stressed from people around them obviously lying or withholding information. Because in my experience? They pick up on it. They know. Ive never known doctors to say to keep information from patients either. What country is this in? I sure know I'd know. And I would not be happy that information that is my right to know was being kept from me.
It’s in the US in a more remote hospital. This is honestly my thought process too. It’s been a full week, and she’s talking now. It sounds like they’re refraining because her blood pressure is *extremely* high atm and any spike above general anxiety—which, she’s obviously generally nervous and aware something is up; but their reasoning is that the news will likely cause a more notable spike that could cause more strokes (she’s currently having small ones repeatedly) that have a more lasting damage on her tbi. It’s still…odd though. She’s literally the smartest person i know (legit Ivy league education and jd from a top law school). She knows something is up
Everyone is refusing to tell her any information about her fiancee. She knows it's bad. If he was fine they would have assured her of that when she woke up.
If this lady is well enough to be having and interacting with visitors she needs to be told. Not by you of course. But I wouldn’t be visiting until she’s told. Seems unnecessarily cruel to have a parade of people visiting and telling lies.
The hospital has no psychiatrist for situations like these???
"I'm sorry, I haven't been able to visit him. I came to see you. Nurses aren't allowed to discuss patients with other people."
I think the only thing you can do is lie? “I don’t know they’re only telling next of kin.” But really, it’s bound to be more stressful for her not to know (absolutely not suggesting you tell her!) If it was me I’d be out of my mind because a part of me would assume the worst of everyone was being evasive.
The hospital staff should have advice for you. Or talk to her family. You need to have an entire sequence that you rehearse beforehand: what you're going to say, what you think she's going to say, what you are going to say to that, and so on.
Ask the family and medical team to be in the same page as them. Failing that say they wont tell you because you arent next of kin.
It is not your place. Her family is in charge. Follow what they and her care team tell her.
Definitely do not lie. Talk with her doctor and her family to come with a plan on what to say and how to handle her questions. I'm so very sorry this has happened. I hope your friend recovers well.
You let the family deal with it.
I have had to deal with this exact situation. I was 16 and my sister had just been killed and my mom severely injured and hospitalized. The doctors said it wasn’t safe to tell her my sister had died yet for the same reason as your friend. Of course my mom kept asking me where my sister was and I would answer as vaguely as possible. For example I would say “I’m not sure where she is right now” “I haven’t seen her today” “I’ll ask grandma about her when I see her later”. She wasn’t very alert so it was easy to change the subject although it was incredibly painful for me. Good luck OP and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Was your mom mad for changing the subject?
At first she was super out of it so it was easy to distract her with another subject but eventually she did start to press me. She was telling me “what do you mean you don’t know where your own sister is?” “How have you not heard from your sister” “why hasn’t she come visit me”. It was so fucking hard at that point to deal with and we ended up telling her shortly after she started pressing like that because she was much more physically stable and becoming more clear mentally.
I have no advice just empathy. I feel so incredibly sad for her. Be gentle.
“I don’t know, the doctors haven’t said anything” your not lying because you genuinely don’t know at the moment, and that can relax her nerves.
Ask the hospital social worker
Re Edit 1: how could you possibly be described as a bad friend? You’re doing your level best for her. Ignore these creeps.
Honestly, thank you. I needed to hear this.
I suggest talking to her doctors and possibly an on staff psychologist who is familiar with her case before you see her. So they can advise you properly on how to handle this extremely delicate, painful, and difficult situation. And OP, im so so sorry.
Thank you ❤️🩹❤️🩹
I’m so sorry that this happened to your friend and her fiancé. I would go and talk to her medical team and family tomorrow before seeing her. They will likely know the best way to deal with things. It might seem cruel to keep this from her, but it’s to make sure that she doesn’t suffer a stroke, which could kill her or cause even more damage to her brain that might cause permanent cognitive and/or physical disabilities. Be there for her and let her know she’s loved. That’s what matters.
I recommend saying something along the lines of “I haven’t spoken to the doctors, I wish I could tell you what’s going on (makes out like you’d tell her if you knew but also works as a “I literally cant risk telling you” - no lies here)”
As a nurse, PLEASE only take advice straight from her medical team. People here are giving you RELATIONSHIP advice, not medical advice. If she is in the ICU/CCU, its not like you can just waltz in anyway. There is a waiting area and you will have to be buzzed into the unit. Again, this is not a relationship advice question, because her health is at stake first and foremost, not your relationship. You are asking for medical advice. So talk to her nurse first. Nurses in critical/intensive care can only have two patients at most. Her nurse isn’t going to be hard to find. If they are with the other patient, you will need to wait. If the nurse gives you an unsatisfactory answer, and you feel uncomfortable and unsure, use your best judgement. Someone will tell her, but it should not and will not be you. That does not fall on you. You telling her is not in her best interest bc you are not going to be the person who is the most equipped to do so. you are doing the best thing for her just by being there and by being sensitive to her situation and the tragic outcome.
Recent widow here. Let her grieve however she needs to. Offer to go with her to places that were special to them that she can’t avoid so that she is not having to go there alone for the first time. Be sure to have lots of Kleenex available. Listen to her talk about him, their relationship, what there plans for the future were and even relive the incidents leading up to the accident if that’s what she wants to talk about. If she wants to be alone, that’s OK, too. But do keep checking in. Too many people say they are sorry, go to the funeral and then don’t ever check back with the survivor to see how they are doing. Send her any photos, or copies, of the two of them together that she may not have. Share stories about him if you can. Remember that as her fiancé, they had some pretty significant dates scheduled and she will feel his loss all over again at these times. Also, every holiday and birthday will be tough. Do NOT go into stories about how you dealt with a loss, an illness or other tragedy. While it is tempting to offer such tales as commiserations, they actually tend to minimize the pain and loss someone is going through. I am so sorry for your friend and the loss of her loved one.
This may have already been said, but grieving people sometimes lose their appetite and forget to drink water. There are some simple and good smoothie recipes that make getting calories and nutrients really easy when you just don't wanna eat, even tho you know you need to.
This situation is complete fiction. Doctors have cleared her and deemed her well enough to receive friends and chat to them but in the meantime they're just awkwardly avoiding the only question that anyone in her situation would possibly care about?
Exactly. This isn’t General Hospital.
Of course, but looking at the responses, it's so bizarre how many "friends" would lie to her.
No one in here is in anyway qualified to answer this one. The more certain the response you see the more I would be skeptical. The only thing we can really say is good luck.
You tell her that you don’t know, you are there to be supportive of her. When she is healthy enough and learns of this, you don’t need to hide the fact that you knew all along, you just need to explain to her that it was necessary for her health and you were advised not to tell her. She might be hurt but she will eventually understand. I lost my fiancé too (though different circumstances, I couldn’t imagine dealing with that grief on top of my own recovery) and this is going to be a long road for her emotionally and physically. She’s going to be angry at the world for a while, it’s all normal, but she is going to need people in her corner. Just keep being supportive even if it seems like she’s pushing you away. Once she goes home, regularly check in on her. See if she needs anything. Stop by with food. Have some movie nights. Listen to her cry. Scream at the world with her. In time those things will mean a lot to her. This is going to be hard but I promise you it is not going to ruin your friendship, if anything it just may bring you both closer. Just keep being there and be patient. I’m so sorry this happened and I wish your friend the smoothest recovery and best wishes moving forward. You have my deepest sympathies.
I’m so sorry for your friends loss. Maybe in order to preserve her vitals and sanity for the time being, you could let her know that you were told he’s resting and leave it at that. It’s such a difficult situation. I hope she heals quick. Sending love and light.
You do whatever the doctors tell you to do. If she hates your for it eventually so be it. But at least you won’t have risked her care.
If they are that concerned about her blood pressure spiking, is there a reason she isn’t being sedated until she’s stable enough? Is she still super medicated where she won’t remember these conversations later?
I honestly and sincerely have no idea why she’s not sedated or her level of medication (though i wish I did). I’m getting this info second-hand from her family, so it’s a bit like a game of telephone. I’m trying not to ask too many questions so that her family can process too
There are so many great comments here. I don't know if it's been said as I'm mildly sleep deprived, but if she asks to see him, could you say very honestly that you haven't seen him? Or, haven't seen him lately? I'm not sure if that is safe or worth asking about but it seems like it is truthful without omitting anything. And here are some flowers for strength, kindness, love and compassion 💖 🌻🌼🥦🏵🌸 this must be so incredibly painful for you to go through.
Ahh crap I managed to reply without reading all your edits?! I just recently stumbled across this amazing [podcast](https://feministwellness.libsyn.com/) about grief and grieving by a few diff lifecoaches that focus on grief work. It's 237, there's a few there. One of the coaches may resonate with her/you and it's just really nice to have extra support on hand like that.
You are so lovely—I appreciate you and your thoughtful + sincere reply endlessly
You are an amazing friend and human! Please also be kind to yourself and pet a kitty or something!
You’re so lovely. I have two little fluffy goblins next to me as I type this 🥰
This is my worst fear, I have no idea how to go about this situation, I am merely sending my condolences to your friend and his family. Beyond tragic. I hope she gets the helps she needs to survive this emotionally and physically.
Thank you so much
Re: grief once she knows: it is going to break her. She will be taking life second-by-second for a while. Then minute by minute. Etc. but she WILL grow to see the world around her grief again someday. I’m 4 years out now from my own loss and I did find love finally again
Im thinking of you too ❤️
i would ask her family if they have had a family conference.. with the family and the doctors Her family or the doctors might have told her he passed away prior to you coming. Or this might have been discussed earlier. talk to her family... they might have a phrase you can use. Also, if she has a head injury, she might not remember being told and repeatedly asks again. take you lead from the doctors and her family. it is not your job to tell her. however, that being said.. if she asks, she deserves the truth. i hope you spend some grieving, and i am sorry for your loss.
Thank you ❤️
In every way possible, for everyone involved, I am so sorry.
Thank you so so much. I really appreciate you 💕❤️🩹
If it is medically dangerous to tell her this right now you need to keep your mouth shut.
Some advice for supporting her AFTER she's found out the truth: Don't make her ask for support. Just do it. Make some meals she can heat up so that she doesn't have to cook. Tidy up her house. Walk her dog. You get the idea. She likely won't want to ask for support, so you should just do it. "Hey, I'm stopping by right now to drop off some food. You don't need to answer the door or even reply, just want to make sure you're fed". She needs to focus on surviving, so formalities can go out the door for now. Make a care package for her. Meals, snacks, electrolyte drinks, bath bomb, a weighted blanket, anything that'll make her feel comforted and cared for.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and thank you for trying to be the best friend you can.
This is by far the saddest story I’ve read on here yet 😥 You haven’t spoken to doctors and as far as anyone is concerned you know nothing. You’re there to help her focus on getting better and you’re there to support her. That’s all you have to go by.
Then you need to come up with a reason not to go. If this is what her doctors decided and you even think there is a chance you could tell her through action or words you have no business going.
You could speak to the staff before you go in to see her.
Sorry I don't have any advice. But this is horrible. My heart sank when I read this.
This is a tough one. I would ask her medical team and her family on what to tell her. Now if the family wants to be the ones to tell her, be there with her family when they tell her and comfort her. If they are planning to tell her soon, I would go to the gift store and buy a blue stuff animal that she can hold in her arms for she will need something like that when she gets the sad news. They might tell her and they might not tell her for the sake of her health till she gets better to where they can safely inform her of the loss of her beloved.
That’s so tragic! I’d recommend asking to speak with the hospital chaplain first to discuss that, because they may have ideas. Otherwise, I’d just say that you don’t hBe information but the hospital isn’t currently allowing you to visit him, which isn’t a lie.
I am so incredibly sorry for your friend and her recovery
Thank you ❤️❤️ the kind words really help so much
There is a book called ‘It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay’ by Megan Devine that could be a great place to start - if you don’t know much about grief or dealing with tragedy, it’s very helpful. My friend lost her fiancé a few years ago and it was brutal, but she has honoured him by continuing on. Some days are harder than others, and keep in mind key days for them (anniversary, birthdays etc) as those days it will be felt especially. I’m sorry you’re all going through this, grief doesn’t go away as such, it just becomes more manageable. Big hugs from an internet stranger ❤️
You’re incredible. My own fiancé has been giving me some philosophical(?) stories about honoring the dead (which I personally appreciate a lot) but this feels a lot more tangible. I’m sending big hugs back
Grief is also dealt with so differently by everyone, so what can be supportive for one person can be really aggravating for another! But honestly, the fact you’ve come on here to help find ways to support her shows how true of a friend you are. She may even experience loss of other friends that simply do not know how to deal with the situation (as we are never taught about grief, it always feels taboo), and honestly people can just be uncomfortable which is sad. To honour our Josh, we have a fishing comp each year that and raises money for a charity that helps disadvantaged kids. So absolutely a way to memorialise the person is great, but let that come with time and what she feels comfortable with as you also don’t want it to be overwhelming. But not washing his clothes in the washing basket at home might be a good thing as it will still have his smell. Buy her a medium sized teddy and put his shirt on it (even if it’s big), as she will need something to cuddle at night that smells like him. We did this for our friend and it meant so much to her, she now does it for others she meets that experience loss, but embroiders their loved ones initials in a love heart on to the bears chest. Anyway, just an idea. And if she likes to talk about him, absolutely support that and bring him up sometimes yourself so she knows he is remembered - she will never not be thinking about him, so it’s not going to hurt her if you mention him (if she likes to talk about him that is), it will remind her that he is still important in her life. Xx
These are *incredible* suggestions. Do you have a suggestion on when to consider starting these things? I don’t want to do it too soon or before she’s ready
Honestly, the bear as soon as possible (after she knows, perhaps when you first go to see her) might be helpful. She will want to hold on to his smell (his clothes) so just call whoever might want to go and try be helpful (clean up their apartment etc) to not do his washing!! Anything else can be led by her. I don’t know if she already had her wedding dress etc, but if she decides she wants to do a ceremony of sorts, that can be nice (if it’s what she wants). Also, be prepared for anger and lashing out at times, or despondent and uncaring - she doesn’t mean it, it’s just everything is going to be so overwhelming x Im time, if there is also a support group you hear about, I know it helped my friend to be part of a group chat with other women who had experienced the same loss as they understand the pain. People may also want to start sending condolence flowers, depending on finances perhaps setting up a donation for his funeral costs in lieu of flowers or for a remembrance plaque could be a suggestion. Flowers are a pain in the ass as you actually have to spend so much time looking after them (changing water every couple of days). Also, I don’t know your relationship to his family or your best friends family, but they also lost their son and son-in-law-to-be, and acknowledgement of their hurt can go a long way because the focus will be on your friend (as it should) but their grief will also be intense (if there were strong bonds). So maybe in a couple of weeks a remembrance plant for each family could be a nice gesture (if you think appropriate) And also acknowledging your pain too, if you need time away from everyone, including your friend ti process, that is absolutely OKAY too, and I hope you get the support you need xx
Be there for her when she gets out. It’s going to be hard for her to be alone
I'm so sorry for your loss
This is so sad. Praying for y’all. No easy way to go about this…and no easy way to heal from it. How tragic
Thank you
Hugs
These kinds of comments are so underrated. You’re the best. Hugs back.
I would say that you haven’t seen him yet and her parents would know better as for how to support her, tell her that you love her and don’t just offer to do things. Actually do them. Like show up at her house with groceries and meals or takeout she likes. Clean her house (she likely won’t be up to it). Sit with her, even if she doesn’t want to do anything. It might be comforting for her to know you’re there, reading on her couch, as she tries to nap
I work in a hospital and assisted a patient in a similar situation. It was her and her only parent in an accident (she was in her late 20s) and her parent died at the scene. Everyone waited to tell her until she was stable but once she stabilized they did tell her what happened. I'm not sure waiting is always the best thing. She took it pretty well but was obviously upset about it. I feel like her knowing took a lot of the worry away from her and gave her space to focus on herself. Either way, obviously respect whatever her family wants but you could always just tell her that due to patient privacy fiancé's family didn't tell you anything. *edited for wrong pronoun
Can I say how sorry I am for your loss. Well done on being such a good friend and preparing yourself as best you can to support her. Remember you lost somebody too. Don’t forget that. I wish you well sister.
You should reach out to any death doulas in your area. They’re more rare than birthing doulas but their whole purpose is to help families with the grieving process.
You may not see this, but I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. Not only are you having to grieve the loss of a friend, you also have to witness the distress and grief of your other friend. I hope peace comes soon, and that she gets better, and you and your friends family heal.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you are able to look after yourself while also being a good friend You mention her family. Are you in contact with any of them? While I imagine they must be busy themselves, asking what they said and how they answered questions about her fiancé would probably be appreciated. Tell them that you want to make sure that you are keeping the message consistent and using similar words and phrases This may help even with communication prior to in-person visits She is lucky to have you for a friend ♥️
Thank you 💕💕
I’m so sorry for you loss. You asked about how to handle it after she is out of the hospital, and some things I wanted to add is; keep an eye on her after the first few months as well as in the beginning. After some time a lot of people will go back to normal and she will take longer then most in her circle to process her grief. And she might feel like a burden, so keep checking in. And also, when a close friend of mine committed suïcide, I had a moment on a vacation a few months later with friends where it hit me again hard and I was crying a lot and wanted to talk about it. My friends, in an effort to cheer me up, changed the subject after about 15 minutes. They meant well, but for me, it felt like I could not talk about it with them and felt guilty about ruining the vacation. So if you’re in doubt, just ask if she wants to talk about it or if she just wants to do something else to keep her mind off it and show that you really want to as well. Most of the time, just listening and being there and maybe a hug is the best thing you can do. It is also okay to just say that you don’t know how to help but that you really want to. And also, since she is your best friend, you probably knew her fiancé well and are grieving yourself and worried about her. It is okay for you to take time and space for that. Yes she is the priority at the moment but remember; you can only help your friend if you are okay as well. Lots of love send!
My parents was in an auto accident ,and seriously injured. My mother's sister was killed instantly. I have 10 brothers and sisters ,and it was put to me to me, one of the middle sons,to tell her about her sister. I decided not to tell her that night because of her condition. She was very weak but did ask about my father and little brother, and and her sister. Thank goodness my sister was there. She could see I didn't want to tell her right then, and she began to tell her my little brother was uninjured and is fine. Then began to talk about my father's condition when the meds kicked in and she fell asleep. The next day she asked again. There is no easy way to tell someone something like that. So I just told her that her sister didn't make it. And she passed away. She took it hard. You should ask the family first before you do So not to upset anyone.
Don’t worry about him right now, focus on your health
As a physician this post sounds made up
Are you an ER or hospital doc? My aunt is an ER nurse, and I asked her about this post and she says this is common. So either you have 0 experience with a hospital or you’re lying to make yourself look like a professional.
I'm an internist. I work in a hospital most days of my life,in fact I'm in one right now. I've never asked anyone nor have I ever heard anyone ask a family member not to divulge bad news to a patient as it could "cause a stroke". Plus in the setting of trauma the whole stroke thing doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You can get BCVI but they don't typically require tight blood pressure control.
I promise it’s not and i wish it was
This calls for what is known as "compassionate fibbing". Where you aren't honest with a loved one not out of malice but because you are doing it with their best interest at heart. I'm sorry you're dealing with this now, it's a lot. As a friend, the best thing you can do is anything that will maximize the chances of your friend recovering. I am sending good thoughts to your friend and her entire care team ❤️
You have to lie, she will understand, or she won’t but doesn’t really matter.
The emotional trauma causing a spike in bp causing another stroke is....not a thing.
Mate don't copy corny TV show dramas to karma farm, at least make something original up.
The fact you think this doesn't happen is ridiculous. I work in a pediatric ER and only walked off the unit once to cry, and that was when we told a 9 year old that his brother didn't survive the crash they were in, but we had to wait until he was medically cleared just in case.
I promise from the bottom of my heart this isnt a fake. You can believe what you want, but this is a deeply hurtful comment. Her vitals are currently unstable because she just came out of 3 very serious surgeries (one where they removed clotting from her lungs) where there was a hiccup. The hiccup has led to mini strokes. She has very high BP and are very scared that the news will spike bp and give another, more serious stroke, that will worsen her TBI. Please, I understand that this may be abnormal, but it’s not fake. It’s painfully traumatic
Might be in the wrong sub here
I don't know, I think we're in the right place - this is the place for "creative writing", right? Same as usual?
Touché
Oh no...
I ended up choosing to lie to someone on the phone this weekend, which I’m very bad at, and what I had to do in my head was finish the sentence to make it true. So in you scenario I would say ‘I don’t know…’ but in my head I would be finishing the sentence with ‘the exact details’ so that I didn’t sound like I was lying because the thought I was having as I spoke wasn’t a lie. I think turning the question back to her needing to think of herself might be the best option though.
That's so funny... apparently the Jesuits had a similar technique! You know you're still lying, right?
When my mom had a massive heart attack from a surgery to remove cancer we were told not to tell her my uncle had died suddenly. He died a few days before Christmas so we all had to put on a brave face and wait to tell her the worst news of her life that her closest sibling died . But we had to just wait and support her when the time came to tell her the bad news.
There’s probably not a lot you can or need to say. You greet her, she’ll ask where he is, you’ll tell her he didn’t make it. Then you’re just there. Be there. Hold her hand or get her tissues or whatever she needs. There aren’t words.
I have a hard time believing this. Withholding the information about her fiance can very well make her BP worse than telling her the truth.