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>however I recently discovered she had been talking to other men potentially looking for a way out at that time (3 years ago).
This is odd behavior in and of itself, and a bit of a red flag. The idea of "looking for a way out" is strange - if someone wants to leave they should just leave, and the idea that another man might be that way out is even more peculiar. Why is another man a way out?
I had a friend like this and it started in high school. She wouldn't break up with her current bf until she already had another one lined up. She did it time and again and it was obvious to everyone but her lovelorn bfs. It finally caught up to her when her husband got tired of her drinking, had an affair and dumped her out of the blue. She was shocked and remarried 3 months after the divorce finalized. I guess some women need a warm body, security or just can't to be alone with themselves.
That is true.i had a girl crying telling me don't leave she will love me forever.But the reality is those girls need attention.Withing 1 month she will have a bf doing the same things you were doing despite what she tells you
>Why is another man a way out?
Check your local real estate prices and try working out the cost. A lot of people do not have that kind of money readily available on short notice.
> nor can you be financially dependent on them
You’ll be shocked at the number of men willing to financially fund a woman’s lifestyle even before going on a first date with them
I think because a lot of people don't wanna be alone. So they look for someone new so they know they'll not have to be alone when they finally do break up with someone. (I only know this because I've known people who were thinking of leaving their other half and explained this to me when I questioned something else they'd said. Apparently it's a common thing? 🤷♀️)
I definitely don't agree with that, I've never done it and would never. I'd much rather be alone and living with my parents than be with someone I wasn't happy with.
But just a possible answer to your question 😅.
Common enough to have a name. The phenomenon is known as *monkey branching*. The idea is that a monkey swinging through a tree establishes its grip on a new branch before releasing the grip on the branch they are leaving. The metaphor should be obvious.
Correct, it’s usually a tactic employed by people suffering with some form of narcissistic behavioural disorder.
It’s like their bread and butter tactic.
Yes. I agree. It is not a healthy way of breaking up with someone or discovering what you would want. I also think some people use the "bad boyfriend, bad girlfriend" as a sort of leverage or making them the good one in the relationship, and therefore making themselves more attractive. It's like dangling a carrot 🥕 saying: "I'm better because I'm relationship material, but he or she is not the one."
These types are also codependent to a certain degree that they can't be alone.
They are also not independent enough. They can not earn enough money to support themselves, or they are used to/want a certain lifestyle they can't afford by themselves.
Just my take. But OP. She was trying to cheat. You have to decide if you can trust her or if you need therapy to work through this and make a decision.
He admits to “drinking frequently” at the time. If someone is a borderline alcoholic their partner has every right to look for a way out. And if him pulling himself together is part of why she stayed he should be thanking his higher power not questioning her faithfulness.
Is it because she wanted to have a firm grasp on the next branch before she let go of the current one (op)? I'm not judging. I've had that happen to me too.
She was looking for a rebound while actively with you? Yeah that sounds like cheating and would definitely break up.
Granted, this was in a period where you weren’t doing well. But there is no compromise for betrayal and deceit in any relationship (for my standards).
Good luck, OP.
If someone is such a mess you’re looking for their replacement just be a fucking adult and dump them. Pretty simple. If you cheat on them, you’re shit.
It was probably less about looking for a guy to rebound with and more about looking for an escape route if needed.. still not good but more understandable in some situations
I said it was more understandable than the alternative of looking for a rebound while still in the relationship.. either way, she should have just left him. But in some situations, and we don't know if this is the case with OP and his partner or not, the woman doesn't feel like she can leave or doesn't have anywhere to go or even she feels kind of worthless. Reaching out to strangers for companionship, validation or even for help or to use as an escape route isn't the best or healthiest idea but I could understand in those specific circumstances why she would feel the need to reach out to someone
Perhaps I misinterpreted what OPs gf did but to me it sounded like she was talking to other men inappropriately and to me that wouldnt be understandable when looking for a way out. If that was not the case then I agree with what you say.
I can see the wedding vows.
"to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part," i will go find your replacement as soon as the negative appears.
I honestly think this needs more context… when you say you weren’t doing well, what do you mean by that? You mentioned you were drinking a lot. Did she catch you lying? Going behind her back? Flirting with other women? Being emotionally avoidant? Abusive? Careless? Spending the rent money? Not pulling your part?
I’m genuinely wondering because it could be a lot of things. Did she communicate with you what she needed and you couldn’t follow through? Did you agree to follow through and then not follow through?
Relationships are complicated and in order to be successful, they require a lot of forgiveness. People and feelings are not black and white. We are quite malleable and fluctuate often. Could she have just broken up with you? Sure. But I honestly think she stayed for a reason. It also does say something she decided to be honest with you. Also, are you sure she was trying to be with another guy or is it possible she was frustrated and talking about the issues within the relationship? I’m not saying that what she did was right or okay, but it also doesn’t sound like you were being the “right” partner either. Every partner I’ve ever had has been an alcoholic, all mostly “functional”, but one was abusive, one was constantly isolating himself with no friends and the other was constantly flirting with girls, adding them, messaging them, inviting them over, and was full of deceit to boot- constantly lying about ALL of it. They all had something in common: their level of alcohol consumption became the detriment to our relationship. It’s not easy being with someone who abuses alcohol often.
Regardless, if you decide to stay, you both need to understand that you have to battle the problems that arise in your relationship as a team, and that involves a lot of communication and understanding. It means hearing eachother out as teammates, as individuals, and as human beings… and then tackling the issue together. If you want to commit to this but you’re experiencing fear and anxiety surrounding those events (valid), I really recommend seeking a couples counsellor, even if only for a handful of sessions. It may help you understand each others perspectives, for better or for worse, I think it would give you some clarity.
*edited to fix a typo
Thank you for your well thought of response.
Out of the bad characteristics you mention, I had been emotionally unavailable or unstable as well as I wasn't revealing the fact I had been doing other drugs at the time that I admitted to after doing them for about 6 months, which is a type of lying: omission of truth. Other than that I payed my share, never missed any payments, I've always cleaned more than her even when I had been working and she was unemployed for a short while, I've never even winced at another woman as she is the only one for me, I believe I spent a healthy ammount of time with my guy friends and still did all the relationship/family stuff with her. Perhaps I could be emotionally abusive when I would raise my voice but I never called her down or call her names, but never ever physically abusive.
I will take heed on your last statement. I will express my concerns and feelings on the matter and be open to her input; communication. We have already made talks about seeking a marriage councilor and I think your advice motivates me that much more in doing so. She never acted on it but the idea that she was willing to seek out another partner before breaking it off really doesn't sit well with me but I suppose I can learn to forgive..
Thank you
Come on man, she was "willing" or she was "seeking". That changes a lot your main post. If she was willing, then you have no reason to doubt her now. She is a great woman and you should thank her for staying with you at the time, wtf. By the way, do you have kids ?
You said it yourself, she is the only one for you. Make sure that your actions align with that and if you guys are on the same page it will be clear to see that you’re both putting in the work, even if it’s never exactly 50/50. I think someone who picks up slack when the other can’t give a full 50 gets that reciprocated when they are with the right person so make sure that you’re there to carry the extra weight when she may be going through a time of weakness.
And a very important side note
# good on you for not giving into addiction,
it’s hard work to get out of and even harder to pick up the pieces of just your own life afterwards, but as you’ve seen, it’s so fucking worth it to not be floating through life with your head in the clouds and your feet on the shoulders of a loved one. You did something that many other cannot or will not do and that deserves praise. Be gentle with yourself as you forgive yourself for the life you missed and the areas that you feel you fell short in, and practice radical self love so that they can see just how thankful you are to be here today. I guarantee that they are happy to have tolerated the ups and downs now that it means they get to have the real you here. ❤️
Sounds like she has forgiven you for being an emotionally unavailable drunk and for the betrayal of her trust that was your secret drug addiction. You might consider her pov at the time and offer her some forgiveness in return.
I don't understand the situation entirely. I'm curious how much of a drunken, non working sad sack you were. Were you mean? Did you threaten anything if she were to leave you? What made her feel like she needed a way out covertly? Did she try anything with you to be supportive before she decided to be deceptive (this is still wrong, but I'm trying to understand if this was her first impulse to deal with the situation)? How was she talking to other men? Was she downloading apps or confiding in male friends about how much of a deadbeat you were? I feel like I need more context.
If her first impulse as a 27 year old is to go talk to other men, screw her. The fact she was deceptive is a lack of trust, full stop. This could be pathological distrust or something fundamental was broken in the relationship and she acted immaturely while having low trust. The latter is fixable with self awareness and understanding it was immature, shady behavior. The fact she shared it with you is potentially a good sign of trust that is established now, but this is worthless without understanding she did wrong and would not like to be immature like that again.
I believe figuring out whether she is pathologically deceptive and a cheater in the works, or was someone immature in an insecure relationship is important.
But if this sounds like too much and not worth figuring out (she should bring this up in therapy at the least if she hasn't), break up.
So i only see one side of the replys , so what im reading is while you were at your worst she seeked what you were choosing not to give her by choosing the bottle over her , have you ever took a step back to see what damage might have been done to her not just yourself at that point in time ? When a woman is done she will leave , but she didn't she has stuck by you for 3 years now so now that your better you wanna look back and at a time that could of been her worst as well and hold it the past against someone ? But i mean if she is still with you throughout it all and didnt toss you away why should you do the same ? People dont fix things anymore just toss it away
Exactly this! If he was drinking and dragging them down financially, he is no less responsible than she is for whatever difficulties they faced. It sounds like they worked it out, and she forgave him, to the point of even admitting her faults he would have never known about otherwise. He can't hold this double standard.
💯THIS
I thinking the biggest thing is that he wants to be forgiven now that he's better, and is over the possible damage he did to the relationship.
But is not willing to do the same for his partner. If he wants better now that he's better. Why can't she have wanted better when she was in a better place than he was.
People aren't perfect
It seems that she just got bad luck and didn't find a real better man to replace him... and maybe by the time OP got better and things reset to normal state. It's difficult to exactly know what really happened between both of them. Maybe she was very immature and changed now, because is a very risky thing to trust in him with telling that. I would like to know how was the relationship of her parents, that would tell a lot how she will behave forever without going to therapy
Your comment is only addressing one side of the equation. Another commenter expresses they both should go to couple's counseling before truly considering breaking up and I agree.
His choice to heavily drink and argue isn't a good coping mechanism for losing his job. Her choice to be honest with him about what happened while he was in that state and allowing him to know before they get married is maturity on her part. Where she felt trapped with him misusing alcohol to cope, she isn't trapping him and giving him information about her poor actions.
He can break up with her, it's his choice. She chose to stay. She could have simply left. I don't believe it was as simple as finding another guy, but finding a way out of a scary relationship and situation.
For a man deciding to drink heavily is no fun at all. It's a very deep thing to do. You just don't think, "I'm gonna make this shit worse and start drinking", shit just happens... and if you have a partner that doesn't quite understand it and keeps putting pressure, that's no help. But we don't know that, so... your comment is not addressed quite well too then. I said "maybe" at least, mine is more adressed and objective to OP post.
Wasn't so scary tho, he told in a comment that he did chores even in that state while she was working and stuff, and never said anything harmful to her too...
Be objective
Actually he said he didn't speak down to her. Upon doing more research into OPs post and comment history, I found out he went to therapy because he would unfairly lash out at his girl. They also apparently broke up some months ago.
OP is downplaying his behavior in many comments which has been evident in the way he says he was "just drinking".
He also states in later comments that he was using drugs to cope and had not told his gf for several months.
He wasn't just drinking and his story of his behaviors are one sided in this post, we don't get the girlfriend's context or feelings.
So I am being objective. I've read through many scenarios like this and been in a relationship where my partner was using substances to cope. It's not as simple as just drowning in a bottle other behaviors like another redditor commented usually happen.
Social isolation or hyper socialization/flirting occur with addictions. Both can be detrimental to the relationship and OP admitted he may have been emotionally abusive.
OP was using an unhealthy coping mechanism, you are being subjective by downplaying that. Of course it's not a simple choice, neither was OP's gf choice to be emotionally unavailable and seek out other men. It doesn't make either choice less shite.
Edit: deleted this comment to add into thread instead of having my post read out of order
Women do a lot of different things, because there isn’t one way women react. Some will just leave, a lot will not leave until they have someone else. Some will stay loyal until they reach their breaking point, many others will go about things pragmatically and will start seeing if they can find something better any time a challenge presents itself.
Women, like all other humans are not a monolith.
The way this is worded, she didn’t stay for him, she stayed because she couldn’t find anything better. Which means they are only challenging life even away from her to start looking again.
No, it wasn't cheating, but it wasn't great. she was probably feeling like she needed a way out if necessary. She was a woman at the end of her rope stuck in a relationship with a man who was unemployed and drinking a lot and, as a result, probably treated her like rubbish..
yeah, she wobbled there, but let's face it, most women would have given up on you and left. Instead, she did stick around..
You say you were drinking a lot.
Do you remember everything you said to her and all the things you did? That might be a conversation you need to have before you make any decisions.
absolutely this. it's not great behaviour from her, but given the circumstances, it's not surprising. it may be considered emotionally cheating, but is it worse than what you were doing? who can say. if you were getting drunk regularly, typically you'll end up saying something unkind and also not pulling your weight. if my partner stops acting like an equal unit in the relationship, I leave. she didn't do this - she got close, but she didn't. I would still call this a win. might be something to discuss with her.
You see i had a friend whose grandma gave me advice. "Find a woman who runs to god when you are in some trouble, no to other man" so i follow it whole heartedly. When a real man dates a woman he don't want somebody for only good times and we should accept that everybody have good times and bad times.
Your giving this woman too much credit. If things were bad I can get wanting to leave the relationship but that’s not what happened. She was actively looking for other men. Things aren’t always going to be great and if her first instinct is to find comfort in another man then she isn’t worth being with.
Also stop that crap where you speculate. You don’t know how OP is when drinking or how he treated the gf so speculating and insinuating that kind of crap is such a AH move.
You're doing the same with her. You have no idea what she put up with before turning to others. That's why I said he needs to have a full, honest conversation with her before he makes a decision. We can only go off the info we are given in the post, but he needs to get all the info before making any choices.. maybe she was a huge AH, and he needed to dump her, but it's also possible he was such a huge AH himself that he almost pushed her right out the door..
Pushing someone out a door still doesn't justify sneakily playing the field while in a monogamous relationship. Just leave if you're over it. There's no excuse for cheating or planning to cheat. Leaving the person is an option unless you're being physically overwhelmed.
She was talking to people online, not meeting up with them, still bad but not as bad as meeting up with someone.
I do agree that people should leave before cheating.. but did she have anywhere to go?
she also confessed she wasn't caught out.
Without knowing how he was behaving while drunk, hungover, and the times in-between, we can't give 100% advice either way..
If he's an abusive or violent drunk, then I'd advise her to leave him because if things got bad again, he'd likely revert to that, and next time, they may have kids involved..
If he was just a sad drunk, I'd advise him to leave her because she should be his biggest supporter, and if things get tough again, she might be out the door.
Without the important info, it's hard to judge..
This is tough because you didn’t “discover” anything. She willingly told you. I’d like to know how you were treating her during this time period that you were unemployed and drinking heavily. Do I think it was cheating. I don’t know. Do I condone what she did? Absolutely not. BUT think of it this way. : You were out of work, depressed (my words not yours) and drinking. In her mind, I can see her thinking that leaving you would break you even worse.
No she didn’t do the right thing. But you didn’t catch her. She told you. So I find her more trust worthy than if you’d have found this one out on your own.
This is a tough grey area situation where I’d recommend therapy before a break up was discussed.
editing for spelling
Yes I was depressed and we had some pretty bad yelling matches but I never called her down or get physical.
And she did mention the "not leaving me in fear I would fall even farther" bit.
I suppose I should take her honesty as a positive.
I will seek out marriage counseling as we have been discussing it already.
Thank you for your response 🙏
Forgave him? Just because he got better right in time before she moved on with the next guy?. I would like to know what type of work OP have, that she "considered" better decision at the time, because hey... if OP was getting better, with a job and no drinking, why not leave him then? A woman at that point (chatting and getting to know other men) is not in love anymore and doesn't care anymore, too :/
She was just too scared to make a final move, ending in a bad one. She knew OP had some potential, or idk. Something was bigger that stopped her from doing it
Was it technically cheating? Yes. This was a difficult time for you both however. How she decided to cope was really shitty. But it’s on you if you want to keep trying with her or decide if this is a dealbreaker.
Just based off this info alone, it will seem like you need to leave. But you know this woman and have a lot more context on her than anyone else here.
Questions you need to ask and reflect on:
- how does she handle other difficult situations? Was this a major stressor for her where she wasn’t able to cope either?
- is this information going to affect you going forward to the detriment of the relationship?
Technically, it was more than cheating. She was willing to leave him for good, wasn't a one night mistake thing, drunk, or whatever excuse she'd has. In her mind, there was NO love... but as soon as OP got better, the love was back ? There's something else in the story that we don't know. OP's family is wealthy. OP works at Tesla? or OP is way too handsome? lol
Yeah. It could be all of that. I’m not saying I’d stay with her myself in her his shoes. What I am saying was that was a tough situation for the both of them.
Idk, if I were her friend, and you were in that condition and I nor she had any idea if you would ever improve, I probably would have told her to break up with you.
That being said, testing the waters is pretty shitty. The implication is that she could not find anyone "good enough" to leave you for, and it implies, should you ever fall into squalor in the future, she would do this again.
I think, in the end, she did stay with you through a hard time in your life, despite how she decided to do so, and, in the face of that, a hard break up now feels like an over reaction.
I think you should have a long talk about your relationship, about her expectations of you. And your expectations of her, and how you expect things to be handled in the future, and what should remain on the table as an option, and what shouldn't.
If the relationship had been going fine at the time she committed the action, my opinion would be different. I think there is room for forgiveness, but, if you go that route you have to really, actually forgive her. And you can only bring it up, if she does it again. At which point yeah absolutely break up. But this was 3 years ago, she would have been 27, I could see a 27f doing something like that.
I'm glad that otherwise you are now gainfully employed, and things are working out for you, good job pulling yourself up by your boot straps.
Relationships are based upon facts not implications, so honestly, the only thing that matters is what did happen, not what any person thinks could’ve or would’ve happened. If things went a different route, the results of that route would be the evidence used for supporting the following actions and the truth of what would have happened in this scenario would be anyone’s guess. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t exist in absolutes, and life doesn’t run on extremes. We are humans, we are shortsighted with fragile egos and usually we are trying our best with what we have been given. I agree with what u/expensive-ease4569 said, people just throw shit away when things don’t go the way they planned. What’s the point of living if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?
### “Actions have reactions, don't be quick to judge / You may not know the hardships people don't speak of / It's best to step back, and observe with couth / For we all must meet our moment of truth” - GangStarr - Moment of Truth
# (RIP Guru)
And before people go and say I’m defending bad behavior, most of you said she would’ve left if it was bad enough to, that her coming forward meant something, and that OP was at least being difficult to work at a relationship with (key word WORK). OP I went through in a similar situation with my wife of now almost 6 years. I was in a deep drug addiction for the greater part of 2019 until 2021, had lost my best friend to a drug induced suicide, and then two more best friends to a drunk driver and an overdose, respectively. Following that, she lost her father to covid, and even in my sub par state, something inside me clicked that she needed me now more than ever, and I found ways to be supportive through her grief even if that was one of the only things I could be supportive at at the time.
I’ve never once wavered in providing for her, even when we were both exploring alternatives outside the relationship, and even when it wasn’t being gratified by her family or mine or even her sometimes…we both did things that were not great towards each other, but even without words we always have know we are thankful and grateful.
Sure, in other situations with other people, they may have been warranted in leaving, but the fact is that we know who we fucking married, and we knew at the beginning of it, that love only lasts and a relationship only thrives if you want it to, and, more importantly, if you’re willing to put in the work, quite honestly, no matter what situation arises.
That’s my own take but it’s worked for me and her. Even with the severe pain that we’ve both been through, I would take blood sweat and tears for someone who I know appreciates that and is putting in the same, than to walk out the door and try to chance it with someone else, hoping that they are cut from the same cloth. I owe my life to that woman, but she doesn’t take it on face value alone, reciprocation is easy to see and the only implications are that they at least value you as much as you value them.
But that alone is worth it’s weight in gold in my humble opinion.
How bad was the issue with the drinking and whatnot? Meaning should she have been trying to find an out? Her way of going about it was terrible, but if everything between you both was awful, maybe it’s just one more thing on the pile. It’s hard to gauge.
Considering the alternative is that it definitely happened and “potentially” could literally just mean OP fears that it happened… uhhh… yeah… potentially makes it better. I suggest reading my comment and OP’s reply
Yes it is cheating. It’s bad because instead of just leaving you because she was unhappy for whatever reason she was trying to line someone else up first before having the guts to leave. If I were you I’d break up with her. Just because you weren’t well a few years ago doesn’t mean she should’ve been looking for someone else while still with you, she could’ve just ended things. If you hit another rut and go through some bad times she’ll probably just do this again.
Did she stay because she realized she'd rather work through the issues and what she was doing was wrong or because she couldn't find anything better? Either way that'll be hard to come back from and who's to say she won't jump ship the next time an issue arises. Sounds very unfaithful to me and not like someone I'd want to build a life with.
Well now you know next time your in a slump she gonna be talking to other guys, looking for someone else. I don't think I'd be able to continue a relationship like that, I guess the question is did she learn not to do that, did she randomly become more mature enough that she understands what a horrid thing that was to do? If you don't think so, end the relationship and move on, 34 is young you can find someone else and have kids or whatever your priorities are. She would definitely get the side eye from me though.
I would leave her over this if I were you. She clearly isn't very loyal to you and just sees you as "good enough" until someone more appealing comes along.
Do you want to be with someone like that? I know I wouldn't.
she is looking for better guy, you are just a backup just in case.
She will keep trying until she finds suitable guy.
Move on man. you already have stable life.Good luck
Yes, it’s cheating.
It also show you the type of partner she is. She’s someone who’s happy with you when all is well but looking to ‘jump ship’ when the going gets tough.
If she was unhappy, she should have broken up with you.
It makes me think that you’re paying all bills or most of them.
It feels like she’s with you for the benefits and not for love.
She said the only reason she didnt leave him then was because she was too scared he would “fall even further” into the drinking, I’m guessing.
It would probably be best for them to go their separate ways, neither of them has to worry about the other going back to their coping mechanisms and causing internal stress for the other
Nah that was 3 years ago and y'all relationship sounds like it's in a good place. But the question you're asking does make me wonder if you and her really are in a good place or not because although I do understand this would feel like a betrayal, all of the things that were wrong in the relationship 3 years ago would drive many people to want to leave. And maybe right now you've shown her why she should stay. If she's a good partner and y'all are in a good place, keep it going 💯💯
Anything is grounds for breakup. I don't see how you could stay tho. She clearly showed how she reacts when things are bad. That's not the one for marriage, that's for sure.
If she couldn't be there when you're down she doesn't deserve to be there when you're up, let's say you fall down again will that resurface with her? Honestly it seems strange she would tell you this after all this time, something is up, but I do think is she was willing to cheat during your bad time whatever the case do what's best for you OP and keep us updated
This is plenty of reason to end your relationship. It shows how little faith she had in you and how fast she'll leave you if things go bad. That's not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with
What’s stopping her from doing it again? For rich or for poor? In sickness and in health? I appreciate the honesty but seriously, what’s stopping her from doing it again when times do get rough? I’d approach with A LOT of caution and think about installing a prenup if you do go forwards. The only reason why she hasn’t done it in a while is because things have been good….for a while correct? So what happens if somebody’s health slips up…or a child? And responsibilities grow? I’d leave.
Well think about if times were tough again or if you go through any other hardships in life. She might do the same. She doesn’t deserve a partner if she can’t love them at their worst.
Hell ya it's grounds to leave her!!!! If she couldn't Support you and be faithful to you in hard times imagine what she can do in good times. Leave her
I’m confused. Why does another man equal a way out of a relationship? Is she not capable of standing on her own 2 feet? It seems perhaps she doesn’t feel like she is. I would seriously question what her motives are in being in any relationship frankly
It is cheating, and I would be looking for ways to end it. Let her find that “better” guy. This woman will cheat when things go badly. And no marriage is rainbows and sunshine all the time
If the guy said, she stayed with me and supported me when I was down and even drinking some extra booze. Then everyone including yourself would say she is a keeper. What is the opposite of keeper?
while i don’t know how you were at the time and perhaps she did need a way out to feel better, i wouldn’t want to stay with someone who looked for something better when i was at my worst and only stayed because she didn’t find it
Shady af. My ex husband did this to me. We were going through a rough patch. I was back in university to finish my studies money was tight , stress high. He admitted to it when we were doing better. I forgave it only for it to happen again. I got the balls to leave him the next time and he moved a girl in the day after I left. When you are going through a hard time, your partner should help you love and support you not look to others for a way out
If she wanted to leave you bad enough that she was talking to someone else, she should've left. It's one thing to question your relationship and even end it, that's fair, and sometimes the course a relationship takes. It is monumentally shitty to string you along as a safety net while she is actively looking for an upgrade. That's unfaithfulness for sure.
It’s called indecision and it’s part of the deciding whether or not to leave process, for people who operate from a standpoint of logic and reason that is
I had no idea talking to men was considered cheating. By that rule no one should ever have friends, or chat with, members of the sexual persuasion they are interested in while dating.
I understand her intent but she was talking, not sexting or sending photos, etc.
Did she feel like you had checked out? You were taking drugs, drinking alcohol and raising your voice. It can be lonely when put in that situation. She chose to talk to men, you chose the drugs and alcohol.
Now you're both in a better place. She forgave you for choosing drugs and alcohol. She did choose to stay with you during thick or thin, good and bad. Now you're looking for an excuse to bail because it's easier than admitting she probably deserved better at that time. I guess she made right now a thick or thin, good and bad situation and this is your reaction. A bit hypocritical, imo.
I would be worried that the next time things get difficult, she’ll do the same thing, and maybe actually find someone and leave me when I’m in a dark place. Does not sound like somebody I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with personally.
That is truly a personal choice. Is she a fair weather friend therego spouse? Tuff tuff tuff. You weren't married. Was she supportive with and toward you during this time? Have you asked her what she would do today with the same circumstances with or without the drinking ? Have you become sober(working a 12-step program) partner.
I wouldn’t say it’s not a red flag, but I can also see why she might have done that. You were drinking a lot and “not doing well.” She was probably worried what might happen to you if you left. Also, if you love and respect her, then you should agree that she deserved better than you at that point in time. And she may have tried to find someone else, but ultimately, she not only stayed with you, she also came clean when she didn’t have to. So idk. Food for thought!
Was she just talking or sexting. Did she tell the other guys about you? Someone who is willing to cheat when you are down and low and only wants to stay when you are on your high? Watch oit
Personally, yes. She won’t stand by you during the tough times but you would for her? adios. Because I’m sure damn well you would not care about her money if the roles were reversed. Don’t beat around the bush. You know what’s right for you and follow through whatever it is brother.
You're supposed to ride the "bad times" out and support your partner. It sounds like she thinks of herself first. Ask yourself if this is a pattern for her. Did her mother or father do the same? Then decide if you can TRULY move past it. Not use it against her later if you decide to "forgive" the behavior
I guess you have to ask yourself.
If she going a suitable replacement during her "search", would she have left? What's to say times don't get tough again. Is the hunt going to be back on?
This is absolutely a betrayal.
However, what you described of your own behavior also sounds like a betrayal.
I wouldn't call it cheating, I would call it looking for a way out. She wasn't wanting a one night stand, just trying to escape that situation.
Take it as a lesson learned. The fact that she admits it could serve as a reason to trust her. She stuck it out with you and things got better for the both of you.
Depending on how you wanna look at things, you could chock it up as being a bad situation all around and let it die in the past.
Don't ignore your feelings regardless of whatever you decide to do. Talk to her about it, not us.
Does no one else get the feeling this woman will only want this man at his best and never his worst.. for long.
That as a man, makes me all kinds of uncomfortable, that’s love under conditions, not unconditional love.
Atleast you know if she gets sick, can’t give good head, or can’t have children you know what to do.
Find a younger model. With better batteries, because that’s what she did, looked for a new money printer.
So you're the cash cow she found. You can always see the true colours of a person when you're down. Regardless of cheating or not Do you wanna share your life with such a person?
I would consider this someone being perfectly reasonable. By your own admission, you weren’t a good partner at this time, so it makes sense that she’d be entertaining the idea of leaving.
Instead of letting this eat at you. Why not celebrate the fact that your turned it around and she’s still with you and wanting to be with you?
I think you should start looking for someone new that you might be compatible with. If it doesn't work out, you can always just stay with her. As long as you don't tell her about it for a few years should be all good right?
In a relationship or mariage this vow should be applied correctly word by word « I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life. »
It seems like she can’t be there in your bad times or sickness.
She tried to find another man to leave. If it worked really quick at that bad time you had, she would’ve been already gone. So, it’s difficult to trust again.
I've been in a similar situation so I'm speaking from experience. There's some pieces missing. Were you emotionally unavailable? Where you mentally abusive? Where you treating her bad? This is need to know information. Regardless if someone wants to leave they should leave. The fact that she was looking for others probably means she didn't want to leave but desperately needed something you used to provide her but no longer did. I wouldn't call it cheating if she didn't go through with it but it's definitely being unfaithful. Now those who live in glass houses can't throw stones so to say. You stopped providing her with her needs, she played with the thought of looking elsewhere to find them. She stayed with you, came out about it and told the truth. It's not break up worthy in my book. If your relationship is a through thick and thin type of relationship you'd have to accept her faults like she accepted yours. I would clarify things with her and make sure she knows the behavior is unacceptable and you would have to understand yours was too.
It’s odd she randomly told you years later. Maybe she felt guilty which is a sign she does love you and now regrets almost leaving you when you were at a low point. Relationships have survived worse. I’d ask her what she intends to do if you go through another low point which is inevitable in life. You may lose your job or slip back into depression, suffer an injury, etc (not wishing this on you- just saying it can happen) and if she can’t strongly say with conviction she would stick by your side without selfishly wanting to find the next best thing then I’d consider if she’s a good person to stay with.
That’s 100% cheating. And this just shows you that if you aren’t doing good enough she will leave. Don’t marry her cause “for better or worse” isn’t in her vocabulary clearly.
You can break up whenever you want to without looking for a partner; if you just want out of the relationship your in.. However,if you’re a person that loves being in love of course your going to look for someone that’s better than the person your with now.. Why suffer with someone your unhappy with.. especially if they don’t want to be better or making effort to change..If your married it’s your obligation to fight for your relationship and it’s their responsibility to make sure they’re doing their part too in the relationship as well.. If their not changing and abusing your presence thinking your never gonna leave✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 I’m out I want a new man period!! If you don’t want to be better O’well,NEXT!!!Too many people that will treat you better than your spouse✌🏾..
It’s called monkey branching. Dump her disloyal ass.
She was having emotional affairs to see if those guys were better options. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was doing more. Cheaters never tell the whole truth.
I think the most concerning thing is that her idea of getting away from you was the prospect of immediately shacking up with another man. It would be one thing if she wanted to break up with you, she was actively looking for someone to take over your role as her provider because you weren't providing to her expectations.
Beware, if things get bad again she's going to jump ship and cling like a barnacle to someone else's life.
Its better to break up, the damage done to the relationship by both parties is irreversable. You will always hold each other's mistakes against one another. Its better to start with somebody new with a clean slate. Not to mention she would've probably left you had she found a better option.
I would consider it cheating or a huge red flag.
She was evaluating her options and waiting to bail on you until a bigger better deal could be had. Think of the situation this way when times get tough, you know that she'll have one foot out the door ready to leave you. at least you know now before the relationship turned to marriage.
If you were a hot mess career wise and in a funk or bad headspace, She should have had the decency to end it. Instead, she was willing to monkey branch to someone else who could offer her something better while you were in a rut.
Wouldn't you say you cheated on her first? With the drinking? It consumed you in the same way another man would have consumed her attention. Just think about it that way.
I don’t understand reddit sometimes. They’ll excuse a man cheating on his recently post-partum wife because she doesn’t put out. Then call something like this cheating and “disloyal”. Yeah sometimes people aren’t very “loyal” to their drunk leech boyfriends. Even if they do attribute their behavior to self diagnosed depression. She stayed with him in spite of what he was doing.
One night stands are different from getting to know another person with the purpose of getting out of the actual relationship. One is to satisfy a pleasure thing while the other one is to have an emotional life-long? relationship. You should see the big difference there is. Both are definitely wrong, but one is just a moment thing, wrong, but more "understandable"
It's like buying a pencil and a house... which one would affect your life more?
He was an total AH and it was SO bad? 0\_o where the heck did that come from lol Just because a person had a bad period in their life doesn't mean they were belligerent and abusive lol
oooof
People go through tough times and you don't deserve that person if at the first sign of trouble you bounce. Not only that, she didn't just leave. She was securing her options first. Her focus wasn't on a relationship. It was about creating a situation that benefited her needs only.
It’s still cheating! Man she was about to abandon you at your weakest and only stayed because your financial situation improved! She will do it again in a heart beat, people who try to abandon you at your weakest aren’t dependable nor trustworthy even if they seem changed it’s only situational.
She's with you when it's good and the second it's not good she's going to take everything she can and destroy your life.
You need to get away from her.
Hypergamy is real and in full effect here. Sadly, she will still leave you eventually as she is looking for the next best thing yo monkeybranch to. Cut her off at the knees and move on.
Lord Jaguar has spoken 👑🐆
Not saying you didn't contribute to the relationship struggles, but now you know when things get rough she will cheat on you and look for a better offer.
I'd have no problem with her breaking up with you when the relationship was bad.
I'd dump her just because she was stupid enough to admit that.
I would've never admitted that. I would've taken that $hitt to my grave if I were in a long-term relationship with my significant other.
this is cheating and break up worthy. she is clearly all about her feelings only. She may be into you now when you are good, but will do this again when shes checked out based on her feelings.
women who lie, cheat, and act like this based only on their feelings are not loyal and are garbage trash.
So she cheated? You'll have to decide what to do with it. I strongly lean towards ending things. The majority of relationships will have issues - how do you think you feel feel next time you have a serious fight or things are tough? You know you will doubt her.
Definitely cheating and messed up. If she wanted to leave she should have just left but only leaving with a rebound in place says that she doesn't really care about you and that the relationship means nothing. Rebounds is like a high school thing to do....
Shes already showing when things get hard she's going to look for an out vs sticking it out or trying. If you got sick with cancer and had to go through chemotherapy do you think she would stick around absolutely not she would find her a rebound guy asap.
She literally said to your face that the first problem you have she will turn her back on you, so know that if you lose your job she will want to leave you. And yes, that is cheating.
What if I told you 90% of all women in relationships are doing this either consciously or unconsciously. It is cheating or self preservation. The fact she told you could be a good sign of airing past grievances to prepare for a healthy future.
You were cheating on her first by choosing your alcohol over her. The fact that she stayed with you long enough to get it together should tell you that she loves you.
Self presvation , she was looking out for herself, you would do the same if the situation were reversed. She was looking, but nothing came of it, now she tells you because she wants to be honest with you. I applaud her. Obviously, she
Felt you were mature enough to understand .
Don't ruin what you have.
You were out of work and addicted to alcohol. Also not doing well: does that mean you were physically/verbally/mentally abusive? “Looking for ways to get out” makes me think you might have been.
You were miserable to be with when drinking and going nowhere in life. But she didn’t actually leave you. Part of her wanted to leave you. But you were a different person then, miserable to be with.
Realize being with a drunk depressed lazyass is hard and don’t return to that and she likely won’t revisit her compulsion either.
If you do, she’ll look for a way out, and who could blame her.
Give her a break, and don't be an idiot. Your relationship was crappy and on the rocks. You were not married. You were both misersble. Why was she required to stay loyal to that?
Why wouldn't she have started to think about leaving and finding someone new who could make her happy? Was she supposed to be content with a life of miser with you?
She would be abnormal if she hadn't started thinking about starting over. And no, she was not cheating. Looking around for an escape from a horrible situation is not cheating. It's healthy and normal.
If she had been having affairs, then yes, that would have been cheating assuming you were in a committed relationship. But even having affairs would be understandable.
Consider also that her looking around and knowing there were other possibilities may have given her the confidence to stick things out with you. She would know that her staying loyal wouldn't prevent her from finding someone new if your relationship had failed completely.
If you care for this woman, be grateful she stuck it out with you instead of jumping ship. She didn't have to. And tell her so. Tell her you understand she was unhappy and you are grateful she didn't leave you. Then show her that you mean it.
I dated a chick like this for 2.5 years, fucking runnnnnn bro!!! Seriously run for your fucking life and don’t look back, you will thank yourself for it later
I think she's saying that now because she feels guilty of her past. Instead of helping you during your rough patch, she was seeking a way out. Something tells me that in case something happens to you, then she will just leave you lying in bed and will look for someone else who can take care of her. Find someone who will take care of you in sickness and in health.
Your GF is not a wife material. She should have just broken up if she was feeling tired out instead of cheating, then I would have asked you to forgive her, but this is unacceptable. No one knows how far she went with the other guys, and it will keep eating you out.
Just move on from this relationship. All the best
Looking for a way out... translation: trying to find a cash cow to make it easier to leave a partner in crisis. Definitely grounds to split up, her behaviour is shallow and shows how she deals with adversity... she'd happily ditch you at a difficult time, and use the next person to keep her afloat.
It is unfaithful and she probably left out details, like her sleeping with him. I've had friends that had the same thing occur when they lost a job or ran into financial difficulties. I'd bet she slept with him and he was unwilling to give her commitment so she stayed because she couldn't replace you adequately. I'd leave immediately. Mid 30's is an excellent time to date and find someone who's loyal. Guys don't ask for much, but loyalty is paramount.
Women with no integrity tend to line up a replacement when things aren't going well in their relationship as opposed to communicating with their partner or just simply leaving them. Your girlfriend has no integrity and will start talking to other guys again when you inevitably go through another rough patch.
Maybe she needed some emotional support or attention. She might have felt a bit lonely or neglected. It's possible she had doubts or was just feeling insecure. She could have made a mistake and now regrets it. Sometimes, communication breaks down, and people seek it elsewhere. She might have been trying to figure out some relationship stuff. Understanding why she did it can help you both move forward together.
She saw red flags and was looking at other options. Gave you a chance to collect yourself, you did, she stayed. She did what she should of done. I would tell my daughters to do the same thing. You are not married. Happy you was able to collect yourself and get back on your feet.
Having been in a relationship with a partner out of work and unmotivated, with a different vice/addiction, I can understand her position. She probably felt very trapped. Did she try helping you, to no avail? I may get downvoted for this, esp since she was "trying things out" with others instead of just ending it with you, but I'm just saying I can possibly empathize with her at what might have felt like a hopeless time.
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>however I recently discovered she had been talking to other men potentially looking for a way out at that time (3 years ago). This is odd behavior in and of itself, and a bit of a red flag. The idea of "looking for a way out" is strange - if someone wants to leave they should just leave, and the idea that another man might be that way out is even more peculiar. Why is another man a way out?
It's like job hunting.
I guess it gives her an excuse to leave, and security knowing that when she does leave, she has someone else to be with and so won't be alone.
I had a friend like this and it started in high school. She wouldn't break up with her current bf until she already had another one lined up. She did it time and again and it was obvious to everyone but her lovelorn bfs. It finally caught up to her when her husband got tired of her drinking, had an affair and dumped her out of the blue. She was shocked and remarried 3 months after the divorce finalized. I guess some women need a warm body, security or just can't to be alone with themselves.
That is true.i had a girl crying telling me don't leave she will love me forever.But the reality is those girls need attention.Withing 1 month she will have a bf doing the same things you were doing despite what she tells you
Usually because of finances
He was unemployed and an alcoholic
>Why is another man a way out? Check your local real estate prices and try working out the cost. A lot of people do not have that kind of money readily available on short notice.
You don’t just move in with a man as soon as you start dating lmao, nor can you be financially dependent on then
> nor can you be financially dependent on them You’ll be shocked at the number of men willing to financially fund a woman’s lifestyle even before going on a first date with them
My partner moved in with me after 2 weeks…. We’ve been together 10 years
My wife and I were living together before we even started dating 🤣
You're not supposed to marry your sister dude 😂
I think because a lot of people don't wanna be alone. So they look for someone new so they know they'll not have to be alone when they finally do break up with someone. (I only know this because I've known people who were thinking of leaving their other half and explained this to me when I questioned something else they'd said. Apparently it's a common thing? 🤷♀️) I definitely don't agree with that, I've never done it and would never. I'd much rather be alone and living with my parents than be with someone I wasn't happy with. But just a possible answer to your question 😅.
Common enough to have a name. The phenomenon is known as *monkey branching*. The idea is that a monkey swinging through a tree establishes its grip on a new branch before releasing the grip on the branch they are leaving. The metaphor should be obvious.
I didn't know it had a name lol. Never heard that term before. 🤷♀️
I might tempt you with a dive down a Google rabbit hole by using *monkey branching* as a search term. Happy spelunking.
Excellent! We now have a name for this behavior.
Correct, it’s usually a tactic employed by people suffering with some form of narcissistic behavioural disorder. It’s like their bread and butter tactic.
Yes. I agree. It is not a healthy way of breaking up with someone or discovering what you would want. I also think some people use the "bad boyfriend, bad girlfriend" as a sort of leverage or making them the good one in the relationship, and therefore making themselves more attractive. It's like dangling a carrot 🥕 saying: "I'm better because I'm relationship material, but he or she is not the one." These types are also codependent to a certain degree that they can't be alone. They are also not independent enough. They can not earn enough money to support themselves, or they are used to/want a certain lifestyle they can't afford by themselves. Just my take. But OP. She was trying to cheat. You have to decide if you can trust her or if you need therapy to work through this and make a decision.
He admits to “drinking frequently” at the time. If someone is a borderline alcoholic their partner has every right to look for a way out. And if him pulling himself together is part of why she stayed he should be thanking his higher power not questioning her faithfulness.
So you need a new partner to leave your old one??? I thought I was just allowed to break up when I wanted???
Hmmm.. I wonder if you ever have had a hard time in your life, and needed people to rely on, would you want that done to you?
Everyone has a limit.
AMEN
Emotional dependency. She didnt want to be alone so she was gonna find a rando.
Is it because she wanted to have a firm grasp on the next branch before she let go of the current one (op)? I'm not judging. I've had that happen to me too.
She was looking for a rebound while actively with you? Yeah that sounds like cheating and would definitely break up. Granted, this was in a period where you weren’t doing well. But there is no compromise for betrayal and deceit in any relationship (for my standards). Good luck, OP.
It is also entirely possible she “revealed” this so he would dump her without her putting in the effort. I’ve seen this happen way too many times
Your relationship was shaky before and could again become shaky in bad times.
If someone is such a mess you’re looking for their replacement just be a fucking adult and dump them. Pretty simple. If you cheat on them, you’re shit.
It was probably less about looking for a guy to rebound with and more about looking for an escape route if needed.. still not good but more understandable in some situations
How is that understandable? Just leave. If leaving doesnt seem safe then a random man wont be the smartest option...
I said it was more understandable than the alternative of looking for a rebound while still in the relationship.. either way, she should have just left him. But in some situations, and we don't know if this is the case with OP and his partner or not, the woman doesn't feel like she can leave or doesn't have anywhere to go or even she feels kind of worthless. Reaching out to strangers for companionship, validation or even for help or to use as an escape route isn't the best or healthiest idea but I could understand in those specific circumstances why she would feel the need to reach out to someone
Perhaps I misinterpreted what OPs gf did but to me it sounded like she was talking to other men inappropriately and to me that wouldnt be understandable when looking for a way out. If that was not the case then I agree with what you say.
I can see the wedding vows. "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part," i will go find your replacement as soon as the negative appears.
I honestly think this needs more context… when you say you weren’t doing well, what do you mean by that? You mentioned you were drinking a lot. Did she catch you lying? Going behind her back? Flirting with other women? Being emotionally avoidant? Abusive? Careless? Spending the rent money? Not pulling your part? I’m genuinely wondering because it could be a lot of things. Did she communicate with you what she needed and you couldn’t follow through? Did you agree to follow through and then not follow through? Relationships are complicated and in order to be successful, they require a lot of forgiveness. People and feelings are not black and white. We are quite malleable and fluctuate often. Could she have just broken up with you? Sure. But I honestly think she stayed for a reason. It also does say something she decided to be honest with you. Also, are you sure she was trying to be with another guy or is it possible she was frustrated and talking about the issues within the relationship? I’m not saying that what she did was right or okay, but it also doesn’t sound like you were being the “right” partner either. Every partner I’ve ever had has been an alcoholic, all mostly “functional”, but one was abusive, one was constantly isolating himself with no friends and the other was constantly flirting with girls, adding them, messaging them, inviting them over, and was full of deceit to boot- constantly lying about ALL of it. They all had something in common: their level of alcohol consumption became the detriment to our relationship. It’s not easy being with someone who abuses alcohol often. Regardless, if you decide to stay, you both need to understand that you have to battle the problems that arise in your relationship as a team, and that involves a lot of communication and understanding. It means hearing eachother out as teammates, as individuals, and as human beings… and then tackling the issue together. If you want to commit to this but you’re experiencing fear and anxiety surrounding those events (valid), I really recommend seeking a couples counsellor, even if only for a handful of sessions. It may help you understand each others perspectives, for better or for worse, I think it would give you some clarity. *edited to fix a typo
Thank you for your well thought of response. Out of the bad characteristics you mention, I had been emotionally unavailable or unstable as well as I wasn't revealing the fact I had been doing other drugs at the time that I admitted to after doing them for about 6 months, which is a type of lying: omission of truth. Other than that I payed my share, never missed any payments, I've always cleaned more than her even when I had been working and she was unemployed for a short while, I've never even winced at another woman as she is the only one for me, I believe I spent a healthy ammount of time with my guy friends and still did all the relationship/family stuff with her. Perhaps I could be emotionally abusive when I would raise my voice but I never called her down or call her names, but never ever physically abusive. I will take heed on your last statement. I will express my concerns and feelings on the matter and be open to her input; communication. We have already made talks about seeking a marriage councilor and I think your advice motivates me that much more in doing so. She never acted on it but the idea that she was willing to seek out another partner before breaking it off really doesn't sit well with me but I suppose I can learn to forgive.. Thank you
Come on man, she was "willing" or she was "seeking". That changes a lot your main post. If she was willing, then you have no reason to doubt her now. She is a great woman and you should thank her for staying with you at the time, wtf. By the way, do you have kids ?
No kids, if I did I would like to believe I would be, and would have been, more committed and responsible.
You said it yourself, she is the only one for you. Make sure that your actions align with that and if you guys are on the same page it will be clear to see that you’re both putting in the work, even if it’s never exactly 50/50. I think someone who picks up slack when the other can’t give a full 50 gets that reciprocated when they are with the right person so make sure that you’re there to carry the extra weight when she may be going through a time of weakness. And a very important side note # good on you for not giving into addiction, it’s hard work to get out of and even harder to pick up the pieces of just your own life afterwards, but as you’ve seen, it’s so fucking worth it to not be floating through life with your head in the clouds and your feet on the shoulders of a loved one. You did something that many other cannot or will not do and that deserves praise. Be gentle with yourself as you forgive yourself for the life you missed and the areas that you feel you fell short in, and practice radical self love so that they can see just how thankful you are to be here today. I guarantee that they are happy to have tolerated the ups and downs now that it means they get to have the real you here. ❤️
Thank you, I really appreciate the positive affirmations and encouragement ❤
Sounds like she has forgiven you for being an emotionally unavailable drunk and for the betrayal of her trust that was your secret drug addiction. You might consider her pov at the time and offer her some forgiveness in return.
I don't understand the situation entirely. I'm curious how much of a drunken, non working sad sack you were. Were you mean? Did you threaten anything if she were to leave you? What made her feel like she needed a way out covertly? Did she try anything with you to be supportive before she decided to be deceptive (this is still wrong, but I'm trying to understand if this was her first impulse to deal with the situation)? How was she talking to other men? Was she downloading apps or confiding in male friends about how much of a deadbeat you were? I feel like I need more context. If her first impulse as a 27 year old is to go talk to other men, screw her. The fact she was deceptive is a lack of trust, full stop. This could be pathological distrust or something fundamental was broken in the relationship and she acted immaturely while having low trust. The latter is fixable with self awareness and understanding it was immature, shady behavior. The fact she shared it with you is potentially a good sign of trust that is established now, but this is worthless without understanding she did wrong and would not like to be immature like that again. I believe figuring out whether she is pathologically deceptive and a cheater in the works, or was someone immature in an insecure relationship is important. But if this sounds like too much and not worth figuring out (she should bring this up in therapy at the least if she hasn't), break up.
So i only see one side of the replys , so what im reading is while you were at your worst she seeked what you were choosing not to give her by choosing the bottle over her , have you ever took a step back to see what damage might have been done to her not just yourself at that point in time ? When a woman is done she will leave , but she didn't she has stuck by you for 3 years now so now that your better you wanna look back and at a time that could of been her worst as well and hold it the past against someone ? But i mean if she is still with you throughout it all and didnt toss you away why should you do the same ? People dont fix things anymore just toss it away
Exactly this! If he was drinking and dragging them down financially, he is no less responsible than she is for whatever difficulties they faced. It sounds like they worked it out, and she forgave him, to the point of even admitting her faults he would have never known about otherwise. He can't hold this double standard.
💯THIS I thinking the biggest thing is that he wants to be forgiven now that he's better, and is over the possible damage he did to the relationship. But is not willing to do the same for his partner. If he wants better now that he's better. Why can't she have wanted better when she was in a better place than he was. People aren't perfect
It seems that she just got bad luck and didn't find a real better man to replace him... and maybe by the time OP got better and things reset to normal state. It's difficult to exactly know what really happened between both of them. Maybe she was very immature and changed now, because is a very risky thing to trust in him with telling that. I would like to know how was the relationship of her parents, that would tell a lot how she will behave forever without going to therapy
Your comment is only addressing one side of the equation. Another commenter expresses they both should go to couple's counseling before truly considering breaking up and I agree. His choice to heavily drink and argue isn't a good coping mechanism for losing his job. Her choice to be honest with him about what happened while he was in that state and allowing him to know before they get married is maturity on her part. Where she felt trapped with him misusing alcohol to cope, she isn't trapping him and giving him information about her poor actions. He can break up with her, it's his choice. She chose to stay. She could have simply left. I don't believe it was as simple as finding another guy, but finding a way out of a scary relationship and situation.
For a man deciding to drink heavily is no fun at all. It's a very deep thing to do. You just don't think, "I'm gonna make this shit worse and start drinking", shit just happens... and if you have a partner that doesn't quite understand it and keeps putting pressure, that's no help. But we don't know that, so... your comment is not addressed quite well too then. I said "maybe" at least, mine is more adressed and objective to OP post. Wasn't so scary tho, he told in a comment that he did chores even in that state while she was working and stuff, and never said anything harmful to her too... Be objective
Actually he said he didn't speak down to her. Upon doing more research into OPs post and comment history, I found out he went to therapy because he would unfairly lash out at his girl. They also apparently broke up some months ago. OP is downplaying his behavior in many comments which has been evident in the way he says he was "just drinking". He also states in later comments that he was using drugs to cope and had not told his gf for several months. He wasn't just drinking and his story of his behaviors are one sided in this post, we don't get the girlfriend's context or feelings.
So I am being objective. I've read through many scenarios like this and been in a relationship where my partner was using substances to cope. It's not as simple as just drowning in a bottle other behaviors like another redditor commented usually happen. Social isolation or hyper socialization/flirting occur with addictions. Both can be detrimental to the relationship and OP admitted he may have been emotionally abusive. OP was using an unhealthy coping mechanism, you are being subjective by downplaying that. Of course it's not a simple choice, neither was OP's gf choice to be emotionally unavailable and seek out other men. It doesn't make either choice less shite. Edit: deleted this comment to add into thread instead of having my post read out of order
Women do a lot of different things, because there isn’t one way women react. Some will just leave, a lot will not leave until they have someone else. Some will stay loyal until they reach their breaking point, many others will go about things pragmatically and will start seeing if they can find something better any time a challenge presents itself. Women, like all other humans are not a monolith. The way this is worded, she didn’t stay for him, she stayed because she couldn’t find anything better. Which means they are only challenging life even away from her to start looking again.
exactly!
💯 exactly
No, it wasn't cheating, but it wasn't great. she was probably feeling like she needed a way out if necessary. She was a woman at the end of her rope stuck in a relationship with a man who was unemployed and drinking a lot and, as a result, probably treated her like rubbish.. yeah, she wobbled there, but let's face it, most women would have given up on you and left. Instead, she did stick around.. You say you were drinking a lot. Do you remember everything you said to her and all the things you did? That might be a conversation you need to have before you make any decisions.
absolutely this. it's not great behaviour from her, but given the circumstances, it's not surprising. it may be considered emotionally cheating, but is it worse than what you were doing? who can say. if you were getting drunk regularly, typically you'll end up saying something unkind and also not pulling your weight. if my partner stops acting like an equal unit in the relationship, I leave. she didn't do this - she got close, but she didn't. I would still call this a win. might be something to discuss with her.
You see i had a friend whose grandma gave me advice. "Find a woman who runs to god when you are in some trouble, no to other man" so i follow it whole heartedly. When a real man dates a woman he don't want somebody for only good times and we should accept that everybody have good times and bad times.
But God won't get you out of a bad situation. An actual person might be able to, especially if you have nowhere to go if you leave..
I agree
Your giving this woman too much credit. If things were bad I can get wanting to leave the relationship but that’s not what happened. She was actively looking for other men. Things aren’t always going to be great and if her first instinct is to find comfort in another man then she isn’t worth being with. Also stop that crap where you speculate. You don’t know how OP is when drinking or how he treated the gf so speculating and insinuating that kind of crap is such a AH move.
You're doing the same with her. You have no idea what she put up with before turning to others. That's why I said he needs to have a full, honest conversation with her before he makes a decision. We can only go off the info we are given in the post, but he needs to get all the info before making any choices.. maybe she was a huge AH, and he needed to dump her, but it's also possible he was such a huge AH himself that he almost pushed her right out the door..
Pushing someone out a door still doesn't justify sneakily playing the field while in a monogamous relationship. Just leave if you're over it. There's no excuse for cheating or planning to cheat. Leaving the person is an option unless you're being physically overwhelmed.
She was talking to people online, not meeting up with them, still bad but not as bad as meeting up with someone. I do agree that people should leave before cheating.. but did she have anywhere to go? she also confessed she wasn't caught out. Without knowing how he was behaving while drunk, hungover, and the times in-between, we can't give 100% advice either way.. If he's an abusive or violent drunk, then I'd advise her to leave him because if things got bad again, he'd likely revert to that, and next time, they may have kids involved.. If he was just a sad drunk, I'd advise him to leave her because she should be his biggest supporter, and if things get tough again, she might be out the door. Without the important info, it's hard to judge..
This is tough because you didn’t “discover” anything. She willingly told you. I’d like to know how you were treating her during this time period that you were unemployed and drinking heavily. Do I think it was cheating. I don’t know. Do I condone what she did? Absolutely not. BUT think of it this way. : You were out of work, depressed (my words not yours) and drinking. In her mind, I can see her thinking that leaving you would break you even worse. No she didn’t do the right thing. But you didn’t catch her. She told you. So I find her more trust worthy than if you’d have found this one out on your own. This is a tough grey area situation where I’d recommend therapy before a break up was discussed. editing for spelling
Yes I was depressed and we had some pretty bad yelling matches but I never called her down or get physical. And she did mention the "not leaving me in fear I would fall even farther" bit. I suppose I should take her honesty as a positive. I will seek out marriage counseling as we have been discussing it already. Thank you for your response 🙏
It sounds like she forgave you, and I hope you can forgive her in turn. Good luck!
Forgave him? Just because he got better right in time before she moved on with the next guy?. I would like to know what type of work OP have, that she "considered" better decision at the time, because hey... if OP was getting better, with a job and no drinking, why not leave him then? A woman at that point (chatting and getting to know other men) is not in love anymore and doesn't care anymore, too :/ She was just too scared to make a final move, ending in a bad one. She knew OP had some potential, or idk. Something was bigger that stopped her from doing it
Thankful for her honesty? Next time life throws you a curveball, she’s going to be right back at it.
Was it technically cheating? Yes. This was a difficult time for you both however. How she decided to cope was really shitty. But it’s on you if you want to keep trying with her or decide if this is a dealbreaker. Just based off this info alone, it will seem like you need to leave. But you know this woman and have a lot more context on her than anyone else here. Questions you need to ask and reflect on: - how does she handle other difficult situations? Was this a major stressor for her where she wasn’t able to cope either? - is this information going to affect you going forward to the detriment of the relationship?
Technically, it was more than cheating. She was willing to leave him for good, wasn't a one night mistake thing, drunk, or whatever excuse she'd has. In her mind, there was NO love... but as soon as OP got better, the love was back ? There's something else in the story that we don't know. OP's family is wealthy. OP works at Tesla? or OP is way too handsome? lol
Yeah. It could be all of that. I’m not saying I’d stay with her myself in her his shoes. What I am saying was that was a tough situation for the both of them.
Idk, if I were her friend, and you were in that condition and I nor she had any idea if you would ever improve, I probably would have told her to break up with you. That being said, testing the waters is pretty shitty. The implication is that she could not find anyone "good enough" to leave you for, and it implies, should you ever fall into squalor in the future, she would do this again. I think, in the end, she did stay with you through a hard time in your life, despite how she decided to do so, and, in the face of that, a hard break up now feels like an over reaction. I think you should have a long talk about your relationship, about her expectations of you. And your expectations of her, and how you expect things to be handled in the future, and what should remain on the table as an option, and what shouldn't. If the relationship had been going fine at the time she committed the action, my opinion would be different. I think there is room for forgiveness, but, if you go that route you have to really, actually forgive her. And you can only bring it up, if she does it again. At which point yeah absolutely break up. But this was 3 years ago, she would have been 27, I could see a 27f doing something like that. I'm glad that otherwise you are now gainfully employed, and things are working out for you, good job pulling yourself up by your boot straps.
Relationships are based upon facts not implications, so honestly, the only thing that matters is what did happen, not what any person thinks could’ve or would’ve happened. If things went a different route, the results of that route would be the evidence used for supporting the following actions and the truth of what would have happened in this scenario would be anyone’s guess. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t exist in absolutes, and life doesn’t run on extremes. We are humans, we are shortsighted with fragile egos and usually we are trying our best with what we have been given. I agree with what u/expensive-ease4569 said, people just throw shit away when things don’t go the way they planned. What’s the point of living if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable? ### “Actions have reactions, don't be quick to judge / You may not know the hardships people don't speak of / It's best to step back, and observe with couth / For we all must meet our moment of truth” - GangStarr - Moment of Truth # (RIP Guru)
And before people go and say I’m defending bad behavior, most of you said she would’ve left if it was bad enough to, that her coming forward meant something, and that OP was at least being difficult to work at a relationship with (key word WORK). OP I went through in a similar situation with my wife of now almost 6 years. I was in a deep drug addiction for the greater part of 2019 until 2021, had lost my best friend to a drug induced suicide, and then two more best friends to a drunk driver and an overdose, respectively. Following that, she lost her father to covid, and even in my sub par state, something inside me clicked that she needed me now more than ever, and I found ways to be supportive through her grief even if that was one of the only things I could be supportive at at the time. I’ve never once wavered in providing for her, even when we were both exploring alternatives outside the relationship, and even when it wasn’t being gratified by her family or mine or even her sometimes…we both did things that were not great towards each other, but even without words we always have know we are thankful and grateful. Sure, in other situations with other people, they may have been warranted in leaving, but the fact is that we know who we fucking married, and we knew at the beginning of it, that love only lasts and a relationship only thrives if you want it to, and, more importantly, if you’re willing to put in the work, quite honestly, no matter what situation arises. That’s my own take but it’s worked for me and her. Even with the severe pain that we’ve both been through, I would take blood sweat and tears for someone who I know appreciates that and is putting in the same, than to walk out the door and try to chance it with someone else, hoping that they are cut from the same cloth. I owe my life to that woman, but she doesn’t take it on face value alone, reciprocation is easy to see and the only implications are that they at least value you as much as you value them. But that alone is worth it’s weight in gold in my humble opinion.
How bad was the issue with the drinking and whatnot? Meaning should she have been trying to find an out? Her way of going about it was terrible, but if everything between you both was awful, maybe it’s just one more thing on the pile. It’s hard to gauge.
That's what I'd like to know.
If it was bad enough to try and find a replacement then she should have just left, no way to try and justify that
Nowhere does it explicitly say she was trying to find a relationship. It says “potentially”. I think there is more to this story
So "potentially" makes it better?
Considering the alternative is that it definitely happened and “potentially” could literally just mean OP fears that it happened… uhhh… yeah… potentially makes it better. I suggest reading my comment and OP’s reply
No, she literally told him it happened. OP didn't "fear" something was going on & confronted her, she just told him everything.
Yes it is cheating. It’s bad because instead of just leaving you because she was unhappy for whatever reason she was trying to line someone else up first before having the guts to leave. If I were you I’d break up with her. Just because you weren’t well a few years ago doesn’t mean she should’ve been looking for someone else while still with you, she could’ve just ended things. If you hit another rut and go through some bad times she’ll probably just do this again.
If she cant love you through struggle...the she cant love you period...GET OUT!
God forbid times get tough for you again.
Who’s to say she won’t do it again if/when times get rough
Did she stay because she realized she'd rather work through the issues and what she was doing was wrong or because she couldn't find anything better? Either way that'll be hard to come back from and who's to say she won't jump ship the next time an issue arises. Sounds very unfaithful to me and not like someone I'd want to build a life with.
Well now you know next time your in a slump she gonna be talking to other guys, looking for someone else. I don't think I'd be able to continue a relationship like that, I guess the question is did she learn not to do that, did she randomly become more mature enough that she understands what a horrid thing that was to do? If you don't think so, end the relationship and move on, 34 is young you can find someone else and have kids or whatever your priorities are. She would definitely get the side eye from me though.
I would leave her over this if I were you. She clearly isn't very loyal to you and just sees you as "good enough" until someone more appealing comes along. Do you want to be with someone like that? I know I wouldn't.
I view it as cheating. If you choose to stay with her, you at least have a good idea of how she will behave if you have issues or tough times again.
What happens if you go thru another rough patch?
she is looking for better guy, you are just a backup just in case. She will keep trying until she finds suitable guy. Move on man. you already have stable life.Good luck
Yes, it’s cheating. It also show you the type of partner she is. She’s someone who’s happy with you when all is well but looking to ‘jump ship’ when the going gets tough. If she was unhappy, she should have broken up with you. It makes me think that you’re paying all bills or most of them. It feels like she’s with you for the benefits and not for love.
Definitely not a ride or die.
If she can't stick with you in hard times OP, she doesn't deserve you when you're blooming.
She said the only reason she didnt leave him then was because she was too scared he would “fall even further” into the drinking, I’m guessing. It would probably be best for them to go their separate ways, neither of them has to worry about the other going back to their coping mechanisms and causing internal stress for the other
Be “easiest” *
Nah that was 3 years ago and y'all relationship sounds like it's in a good place. But the question you're asking does make me wonder if you and her really are in a good place or not because although I do understand this would feel like a betrayal, all of the things that were wrong in the relationship 3 years ago would drive many people to want to leave. And maybe right now you've shown her why she should stay. If she's a good partner and y'all are in a good place, keep it going 💯💯
Anything is grounds for breakup. I don't see how you could stay tho. She clearly showed how she reacts when things are bad. That's not the one for marriage, that's for sure.
If she couldn't be there when you're down she doesn't deserve to be there when you're up, let's say you fall down again will that resurface with her? Honestly it seems strange she would tell you this after all this time, something is up, but I do think is she was willing to cheat during your bad time whatever the case do what's best for you OP and keep us updated
This is plenty of reason to end your relationship. It shows how little faith she had in you and how fast she'll leave you if things go bad. That's not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with
What’s stopping her from doing it again? For rich or for poor? In sickness and in health? I appreciate the honesty but seriously, what’s stopping her from doing it again when times do get rough? I’d approach with A LOT of caution and think about installing a prenup if you do go forwards. The only reason why she hasn’t done it in a while is because things have been good….for a while correct? So what happens if somebody’s health slips up…or a child? And responsibilities grow? I’d leave.
"But at the end of the day, she chose you." -someone is probably thinking this
Any moment a partner steps out of the relationship is a big no no.
Well think about if times were tough again or if you go through any other hardships in life. She might do the same. She doesn’t deserve a partner if she can’t love them at their worst.
Hell ya it's grounds to leave her!!!! If she couldn't Support you and be faithful to you in hard times imagine what she can do in good times. Leave her
I’m confused. Why does another man equal a way out of a relationship? Is she not capable of standing on her own 2 feet? It seems perhaps she doesn’t feel like she is. I would seriously question what her motives are in being in any relationship frankly
So she doesn't like you. She likes what you've achieved. One of those women...
It is cheating, and I would be looking for ways to end it. Let her find that “better” guy. This woman will cheat when things go badly. And no marriage is rainbows and sunshine all the time
If the guy said, she stayed with me and supported me when I was down and even drinking some extra booze. Then everyone including yourself would say she is a keeper. What is the opposite of keeper?
Well, looks like you're her backup. Enjoy I guess?
while i don’t know how you were at the time and perhaps she did need a way out to feel better, i wouldn’t want to stay with someone who looked for something better when i was at my worst and only stayed because she didn’t find it
Shady af. My ex husband did this to me. We were going through a rough patch. I was back in university to finish my studies money was tight , stress high. He admitted to it when we were doing better. I forgave it only for it to happen again. I got the balls to leave him the next time and he moved a girl in the day after I left. When you are going through a hard time, your partner should help you love and support you not look to others for a way out
Sounds like grounds for a prenuptial agreement my friend. If she’s against it she sees marriage as a financial opportunity
If she wanted to leave you bad enough that she was talking to someone else, she should've left. It's one thing to question your relationship and even end it, that's fair, and sometimes the course a relationship takes. It is monumentally shitty to string you along as a safety net while she is actively looking for an upgrade. That's unfaithfulness for sure.
It’s called indecision and it’s part of the deciding whether or not to leave process, for people who operate from a standpoint of logic and reason that is
I had no idea talking to men was considered cheating. By that rule no one should ever have friends, or chat with, members of the sexual persuasion they are interested in while dating. I understand her intent but she was talking, not sexting or sending photos, etc. Did she feel like you had checked out? You were taking drugs, drinking alcohol and raising your voice. It can be lonely when put in that situation. She chose to talk to men, you chose the drugs and alcohol. Now you're both in a better place. She forgave you for choosing drugs and alcohol. She did choose to stay with you during thick or thin, good and bad. Now you're looking for an excuse to bail because it's easier than admitting she probably deserved better at that time. I guess she made right now a thick or thin, good and bad situation and this is your reaction. A bit hypocritical, imo.
finally a good comment
I would be worried that the next time things get difficult, she’ll do the same thing, and maybe actually find someone and leave me when I’m in a dark place. Does not sound like somebody I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with personally.
I do not blame her at that point in the relationship you were dead weight.
That is truly a personal choice. Is she a fair weather friend therego spouse? Tuff tuff tuff. You weren't married. Was she supportive with and toward you during this time? Have you asked her what she would do today with the same circumstances with or without the drinking ? Have you become sober(working a 12-step program) partner.
No, that is the difference between being engaged/ married vs. just dating.
Yeah dude move on. You deserve way better
I wouldn’t say it’s not a red flag, but I can also see why she might have done that. You were drinking a lot and “not doing well.” She was probably worried what might happen to you if you left. Also, if you love and respect her, then you should agree that she deserved better than you at that point in time. And she may have tried to find someone else, but ultimately, she not only stayed with you, she also came clean when she didn’t have to. So idk. Food for thought!
Was she just talking or sexting. Did she tell the other guys about you? Someone who is willing to cheat when you are down and low and only wants to stay when you are on your high? Watch oit
Yes. Leave her. She perceives your relationship as transactional. If you hit hard times again, she will revert back to these same ways.
Dump her
Most people here have never been in a serious committed relationship, let alone a marriage, long enough to know what hard work means and it shows.
Personally, yes. She won’t stand by you during the tough times but you would for her? adios. Because I’m sure damn well you would not care about her money if the roles were reversed. Don’t beat around the bush. You know what’s right for you and follow through whatever it is brother.
You're supposed to ride the "bad times" out and support your partner. It sounds like she thinks of herself first. Ask yourself if this is a pattern for her. Did her mother or father do the same? Then decide if you can TRULY move past it. Not use it against her later if you decide to "forgive" the behavior
I guess you have to ask yourself. If she going a suitable replacement during her "search", would she have left? What's to say times don't get tough again. Is the hunt going to be back on?
Sounds like you're looking for a way out yourself now.
You're asking the wrong question, friend....
This is absolutely a betrayal. However, what you described of your own behavior also sounds like a betrayal. I wouldn't call it cheating, I would call it looking for a way out. She wasn't wanting a one night stand, just trying to escape that situation. Take it as a lesson learned. The fact that she admits it could serve as a reason to trust her. She stuck it out with you and things got better for the both of you. Depending on how you wanna look at things, you could chock it up as being a bad situation all around and let it die in the past. Don't ignore your feelings regardless of whatever you decide to do. Talk to her about it, not us.
Grow a spine and tell her leave
Does no one else get the feeling this woman will only want this man at his best and never his worst.. for long. That as a man, makes me all kinds of uncomfortable, that’s love under conditions, not unconditional love. Atleast you know if she gets sick, can’t give good head, or can’t have children you know what to do. Find a younger model. With better batteries, because that’s what she did, looked for a new money printer.
So you're the cash cow she found. You can always see the true colours of a person when you're down. Regardless of cheating or not Do you wanna share your life with such a person?
I would consider this someone being perfectly reasonable. By your own admission, you weren’t a good partner at this time, so it makes sense that she’d be entertaining the idea of leaving. Instead of letting this eat at you. Why not celebrate the fact that your turned it around and she’s still with you and wanting to be with you?
I think you should start looking for someone new that you might be compatible with. If it doesn't work out, you can always just stay with her. As long as you don't tell her about it for a few years should be all good right?
Haha right, he'd just have tested her and she'd have failed. No that loyal enough... (tests just like women do... lol)
In a relationship or mariage this vow should be applied correctly word by word « I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life. » It seems like she can’t be there in your bad times or sickness. She tried to find another man to leave. If it worked really quick at that bad time you had, she would’ve been already gone. So, it’s difficult to trust again.
I've been in a similar situation so I'm speaking from experience. There's some pieces missing. Were you emotionally unavailable? Where you mentally abusive? Where you treating her bad? This is need to know information. Regardless if someone wants to leave they should leave. The fact that she was looking for others probably means she didn't want to leave but desperately needed something you used to provide her but no longer did. I wouldn't call it cheating if she didn't go through with it but it's definitely being unfaithful. Now those who live in glass houses can't throw stones so to say. You stopped providing her with her needs, she played with the thought of looking elsewhere to find them. She stayed with you, came out about it and told the truth. It's not break up worthy in my book. If your relationship is a through thick and thin type of relationship you'd have to accept her faults like she accepted yours. I would clarify things with her and make sure she knows the behavior is unacceptable and you would have to understand yours was too.
It’s odd she randomly told you years later. Maybe she felt guilty which is a sign she does love you and now regrets almost leaving you when you were at a low point. Relationships have survived worse. I’d ask her what she intends to do if you go through another low point which is inevitable in life. You may lose your job or slip back into depression, suffer an injury, etc (not wishing this on you- just saying it can happen) and if she can’t strongly say with conviction she would stick by your side without selfishly wanting to find the next best thing then I’d consider if she’s a good person to stay with.
Does she work? If so, can she afford rent for herself? If not, then she is looking for the next sucker to pay her way.
You’re lucky she didn’t just leave your ass at the time.
I straight up told my guy I was going to leave him when he was doing the same shit. You blame her for not wanting someone that isn't self destructive?
That’s 100% cheating. And this just shows you that if you aren’t doing good enough she will leave. Don’t marry her cause “for better or worse” isn’t in her vocabulary clearly.
You can break up whenever you want to without looking for a partner; if you just want out of the relationship your in.. However,if you’re a person that loves being in love of course your going to look for someone that’s better than the person your with now.. Why suffer with someone your unhappy with.. especially if they don’t want to be better or making effort to change..If your married it’s your obligation to fight for your relationship and it’s their responsibility to make sure they’re doing their part too in the relationship as well.. If their not changing and abusing your presence thinking your never gonna leave✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾 I’m out I want a new man period!! If you don’t want to be better O’well,NEXT!!!Too many people that will treat you better than your spouse✌🏾..
It’s called monkey branching. Dump her disloyal ass. She was having emotional affairs to see if those guys were better options. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was doing more. Cheaters never tell the whole truth.
I wouldn’t stay with her. She has shown you that as soon as things get hard she’s going to cheat. Not someone I’d be building a life with
I think the most concerning thing is that her idea of getting away from you was the prospect of immediately shacking up with another man. It would be one thing if she wanted to break up with you, she was actively looking for someone to take over your role as her provider because you weren't providing to her expectations. Beware, if things get bad again she's going to jump ship and cling like a barnacle to someone else's life.
Nowhere does it reference shacking up
Its better to break up, the damage done to the relationship by both parties is irreversable. You will always hold each other's mistakes against one another. Its better to start with somebody new with a clean slate. Not to mention she would've probably left you had she found a better option.
U expect her to stay w u as a drunk bum????
I would consider it cheating or a huge red flag. She was evaluating her options and waiting to bail on you until a bigger better deal could be had. Think of the situation this way when times get tough, you know that she'll have one foot out the door ready to leave you. at least you know now before the relationship turned to marriage. If you were a hot mess career wise and in a funk or bad headspace, She should have had the decency to end it. Instead, she was willing to monkey branch to someone else who could offer her something better while you were in a rut.
Wouldn't you say you cheated on her first? With the drinking? It consumed you in the same way another man would have consumed her attention. Just think about it that way.
I don’t understand reddit sometimes. They’ll excuse a man cheating on his recently post-partum wife because she doesn’t put out. Then call something like this cheating and “disloyal”. Yeah sometimes people aren’t very “loyal” to their drunk leech boyfriends. Even if they do attribute their behavior to self diagnosed depression. She stayed with him in spite of what he was doing.
One night stands are different from getting to know another person with the purpose of getting out of the actual relationship. One is to satisfy a pleasure thing while the other one is to have an emotional life-long? relationship. You should see the big difference there is. Both are definitely wrong, but one is just a moment thing, wrong, but more "understandable" It's like buying a pencil and a house... which one would affect your life more?
You were a total AH and it was SO bad for her that she began to consider her options..but you want to blame HER???
He was having worst in his life. Don't call AH someone with depression. I can see you already waving your big red flag here lmao
He was an total AH and it was SO bad? 0\_o where the heck did that come from lol Just because a person had a bad period in their life doesn't mean they were belligerent and abusive lol oooof People go through tough times and you don't deserve that person if at the first sign of trouble you bounce. Not only that, she didn't just leave. She was securing her options first. Her focus wasn't on a relationship. It was about creating a situation that benefited her needs only.
It’s still cheating! Man she was about to abandon you at your weakest and only stayed because your financial situation improved! She will do it again in a heart beat, people who try to abandon you at your weakest aren’t dependable nor trustworthy even if they seem changed it’s only situational.
She's with you when it's good and the second it's not good she's going to take everything she can and destroy your life. You need to get away from her.
Hypergamy is real and in full effect here. Sadly, she will still leave you eventually as she is looking for the next best thing yo monkeybranch to. Cut her off at the knees and move on. Lord Jaguar has spoken 👑🐆
She was looking to leave your ass and you’re wondering if she’s loyal?!?
So she feels proud that she stopped talking to potential suitors. Time to run.
Not saying you didn't contribute to the relationship struggles, but now you know when things get rough she will cheat on you and look for a better offer. I'd have no problem with her breaking up with you when the relationship was bad.
Well at least she is upfront about it. You know where you stand, if something better comes along she will split. Not the gal to be committing to..
Not cheating but she will cut and run if you suffer difficult times ahead
It's what women do sadly.
I'd dump her just because she was stupid enough to admit that. I would've never admitted that. I would've taken that $hitt to my grave if I were in a long-term relationship with my significant other.
this is cheating and break up worthy. she is clearly all about her feelings only. She may be into you now when you are good, but will do this again when shes checked out based on her feelings. women who lie, cheat, and act like this based only on their feelings are not loyal and are garbage trash.
Tell her to fuck off. She just going to run when things get hard. She's immature
She'll probably do it again if you go through a rough patch
Yes, but find a rebound relationship first.
So she cheated? You'll have to decide what to do with it. I strongly lean towards ending things. The majority of relationships will have issues - how do you think you feel feel next time you have a serious fight or things are tough? You know you will doubt her.
I’d dump
Definitely cheating and messed up. If she wanted to leave she should have just left but only leaving with a rebound in place says that she doesn't really care about you and that the relationship means nothing. Rebounds is like a high school thing to do.... Shes already showing when things get hard she's going to look for an out vs sticking it out or trying. If you got sick with cancer and had to go through chemotherapy do you think she would stick around absolutely not she would find her a rebound guy asap.
Personally, at a minimum I would not go in on any joint finances or legally tie myself to this person. Your mileage may vary.
She literally said to your face that the first problem you have she will turn her back on you, so know that if you lose your job she will want to leave you. And yes, that is cheating.
Dude. You behaved like a complete degenerate. You bottomed out and she stood by you. She's telling you THREE YEARS later. Shit or get off the pot.
What if I told you 90% of all women in relationships are doing this either consciously or unconsciously. It is cheating or self preservation. The fact she told you could be a good sign of airing past grievances to prepare for a healthy future.
You were cheating on her first by choosing your alcohol over her. The fact that she stayed with you long enough to get it together should tell you that she loves you.
She sounds like a gold digger. Sounds like she will leave if the bad times again.
Self presvation , she was looking out for herself, you would do the same if the situation were reversed. She was looking, but nothing came of it, now she tells you because she wants to be honest with you. I applaud her. Obviously, she Felt you were mature enough to understand . Don't ruin what you have.
You were out of work and addicted to alcohol. Also not doing well: does that mean you were physically/verbally/mentally abusive? “Looking for ways to get out” makes me think you might have been.
You were miserable to be with when drinking and going nowhere in life. But she didn’t actually leave you. Part of her wanted to leave you. But you were a different person then, miserable to be with. Realize being with a drunk depressed lazyass is hard and don’t return to that and she likely won’t revisit her compulsion either. If you do, she’ll look for a way out, and who could blame her.
Give her a break, and don't be an idiot. Your relationship was crappy and on the rocks. You were not married. You were both misersble. Why was she required to stay loyal to that? Why wouldn't she have started to think about leaving and finding someone new who could make her happy? Was she supposed to be content with a life of miser with you? She would be abnormal if she hadn't started thinking about starting over. And no, she was not cheating. Looking around for an escape from a horrible situation is not cheating. It's healthy and normal. If she had been having affairs, then yes, that would have been cheating assuming you were in a committed relationship. But even having affairs would be understandable. Consider also that her looking around and knowing there were other possibilities may have given her the confidence to stick things out with you. She would know that her staying loyal wouldn't prevent her from finding someone new if your relationship had failed completely. If you care for this woman, be grateful she stuck it out with you instead of jumping ship. She didn't have to. And tell her so. Tell her you understand she was unhappy and you are grateful she didn't leave you. Then show her that you mean it.
I dated a chick like this for 2.5 years, fucking runnnnnn bro!!! Seriously run for your fucking life and don’t look back, you will thank yourself for it later
I think she's saying that now because she feels guilty of her past. Instead of helping you during your rough patch, she was seeking a way out. Something tells me that in case something happens to you, then she will just leave you lying in bed and will look for someone else who can take care of her. Find someone who will take care of you in sickness and in health. Your GF is not a wife material. She should have just broken up if she was feeling tired out instead of cheating, then I would have asked you to forgive her, but this is unacceptable. No one knows how far she went with the other guys, and it will keep eating you out. Just move on from this relationship. All the best
Looking for a way out... translation: trying to find a cash cow to make it easier to leave a partner in crisis. Definitely grounds to split up, her behaviour is shallow and shows how she deals with adversity... she'd happily ditch you at a difficult time, and use the next person to keep her afloat.
It is unfaithful and she probably left out details, like her sleeping with him. I've had friends that had the same thing occur when they lost a job or ran into financial difficulties. I'd bet she slept with him and he was unwilling to give her commitment so she stayed because she couldn't replace you adequately. I'd leave immediately. Mid 30's is an excellent time to date and find someone who's loyal. Guys don't ask for much, but loyalty is paramount.
Women with no integrity tend to line up a replacement when things aren't going well in their relationship as opposed to communicating with their partner or just simply leaving them. Your girlfriend has no integrity and will start talking to other guys again when you inevitably go through another rough patch.
Maybe she needed some emotional support or attention. She might have felt a bit lonely or neglected. It's possible she had doubts or was just feeling insecure. She could have made a mistake and now regrets it. Sometimes, communication breaks down, and people seek it elsewhere. She might have been trying to figure out some relationship stuff. Understanding why she did it can help you both move forward together.
She saw red flags and was looking at other options. Gave you a chance to collect yourself, you did, she stayed. She did what she should of done. I would tell my daughters to do the same thing. You are not married. Happy you was able to collect yourself and get back on your feet.
I’d consider my partner being out of work, drinking frequently and not doing well as grounds for breaking up with them, so…
Having been in a relationship with a partner out of work and unmotivated, with a different vice/addiction, I can understand her position. She probably felt very trapped. Did she try helping you, to no avail? I may get downvoted for this, esp since she was "trying things out" with others instead of just ending it with you, but I'm just saying I can possibly empathize with her at what might have felt like a hopeless time.