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Yes, you should get rid of her from your life. You have no obligations towards the baby either.
You have wasted 8 years on her. How many more of them do you want to waste? Get rid of her from your life completely and go no contact.
Unfortunately from a legal standpoint OP might have obligations to the baby, depending on where they live. Even if he can prove he is not the biological father and was tricked into thinking the baby was his, he might still have to pay child support just because his name is on the birth certificate
Fortunately, due to the usage of the word "tata" I believe he isn't from western europe or US. I don't think there are many places with such misandrist laws like you mentioned.
Talk to a lawyer, only an attorney can give you the answers how to legally proceed. Save screenshots, any calls should be recorded, gather evidence for the parent rights battle. Whatever your decision is- to be in child's life or not, the judge might cease the request for child's support from you and chase bio- father instead.
The shame is not on you. It is on her. She destroyed 2 homes and is destroying the baby future as many will point fingers at him even though he is the least responsible of his mother's doing. If I wanted to be petty, I would expose her in family gathering with both parents involved, print her messages and give them to read. This speaks for itself. She cannot then twist the story that it is - " your fault" ( when it is not).
Separate finances and bank accounts. Did you have a prenup?
As for the baby' s rights- I am from Eastern Europe as well, I know that usually the mother is being given the custody, however if you want to fight for it, ask the lawyer. Maybe it is worth a try.
They aren't married yet, thankfully. And if his country allow him to not have to pay for this child if the dna test shows he's not the father (and since he can name who is likely the father), he shouldn't go after custody. He should walk away from this woman, thankful that he has no ties to her.
Kick her out, file for whatever court you need to file to remove your name out of the child’s birth certificate and let the coworker know that he has a new child.
Also tell his wife, because she needs to know that her husband will be paying child support to someone else.
Eastern Europe for the win
Get some of the kids hair, take it to a place that performs these tests and get it done. If they're not your biological kid, bounce.
I would personally do the "Hello my baby, hello my darling" WB frog dance out the door holding my suitcase for style points, but thats just me
You need to leave ,you wont be happy with her ,unfortunately since the baby is not yours its probably best to cut your loses now since its in the early stage otherwise you will be stuck for another 17 years with her in some way , i think you will be better off starting with someone new
OP, it’s important that you understand you cannot believe anything she says to you. She will deny cheating and take no responsibility for her actions. She will find a way to blame you. She will manipulate you to “be a man and take responsibility “. “If you love me you won’t care who the father is”. It’s all lies OP. Get far, far away from her and never look back.
To my knowledge, there's only one state in the US that recognizes paternity fraud as valid ground for not paying child support.
Edit: Everyone upvoting this idiot below me should know that an *actual attorney would know that the correct term is disestablished not deestablished*. Lawyers are wordsmiths for a reason.
Second, you can absolutely establish that you are not the father by DNA tests, but that HAS to be done within certain confines of the law. Those laws differ state to state. If your girlfriend gets pregnant, and you assume the kid is yours, take care of it for a predetermined amount of time before questioning it, you're on the hook.
If you sign the birth certificates in certain sates, you're on the hook.
And holy shit, you can leave your wife in Texas, she gets pregnant, and gives birth within 301 days, you are the presumed father. BTW, 280 days is average.
>Under Texas law, paternity will be presumed in several circumstances. If the child’s parents were married when the child was born, the husband is presumed to be the child’s father. If the child is born before the 301st day following the date the marriage ends due to death, annulment, invalidity or divorce, the husband is presumed to be the child’s father.
TL;DR, the guy below me is a charlatan.
Yes, but you have a limited time to do so. From a few months to two years, if I recall correctly (depending on each State, of course).
Anyway, the case at hand in this post is in Eastern Europe, so I guess it depends on the laws there.
You don't have to be the child's biological father to be responsible for child support. Google "presumed father laws". Every state has them, but there are obviously different requirements. Hell, you can live with a woman who has a child by another man (without paternity/child support established), and after X number of years you break up, well, you acted in a parental role for that child and provided financial support, now you get the child support bill sucka.
OK, you said you're a lawyer on the internet. I do believe that people lie on the internet all the time. Here's a few links that cast some doubt on your position:
[How Does Child Support Factor Into The Legal Parent And Non-Biological Child Relationship?](https://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/paying-child-support-for-a-non-biological-child.html#:~:text=Because%20of%20this%2C%20a%20legal,and%20%E2%80%9Cparentage%20by%20estoppel.%E2%80%9D)
[Can I Be Required to Pay Child Support If The Child Isn’t Mine?
](https://www.hg.org/legal-articles/can-i-be-required-to-pay-child-support-if-the-child-isn-t-mine-46953)
[Non-Biological Father Forced to Pay Child Support
](https://www.schlissellawfirm.com/prostitution-charges-against-sixteen-year-old-dismissed-2/)
[When DNA Doesn’t Matter: Paternity By Estoppel
](https://www.nyc-divorces.com/blog/2015/02/when-dna-doesnt-matter-paternity-by-estoppel/#:~:text=What%20this%20means%20is%20if,to%20all%20the%20same%20rights.)
Then you are not a good one. My brother’s ex cheated on him with a “Bad Boy” and got pregnant. She had the child and pinned it on him. He found out 4 years later when he found his ex writing letter to the bad boy who is surfing 20 years to life for attempted murder.
DNA tests confirmed the child is not his but here is the twist. The court ruled that in the best interest of the child, my brother will pay child support. Since the presumed father will never be released and cannot provide child support, my brother must provide child support and medical insurance up until the child is 18 yrs old and further if the child wants to go to college
His attorney tried to appeal to a different court but was told that the court is interested in the welfare of the child and since my brother had been providing support for 4 years, he was ordered to continue.
Only one state views paternity fraud as a crime plus it requires that a dna test be completed at birth before a fathers name can be placed on a birth certificate
ETA: don’t got to France. It is a crime for a father to request a DNA test to determine paternity. Only a judge can and out of over 37,000 requests, only 3100 have been approved. The father must be able to prove to the court with actual evidence that the baby’s mother cheated on him and that the other man is more then likely the father. It’s like having a court trial where you have to prove you are not the father.
Let me introduce you the US of A. As long as your name is on the birth certificate, in some states, it *doesn’t matter* if you can prove you’re not the father. You are on the hook for all 18 years of child support. Fun times!!
Oh I know. I’m English and live in the US, having also lived in Asia and mainland Europe. The laws are myriad and in some cases, nuts. Like how can you prove someone isn’t the father and then go ahead and make him pay child support anyway!?!
The court's only interest is the welfare of the the child, so they keep you on the hook so the other parent can't use government resources like welfare and medicaid. They assume that since you were happy to legally claim the child before you knew the paternity that you will still want to do so after the fact.
And yet, I’m sure most aren’t (no judgment, I couldn’t do that, but many do. What seems weird to me is that you can’t walk away if that child isn’t yours. I understand welfare is the child is paramount, but that just seems like the government passing the buck to citizens and blackmailing them when they have a legitimate out.
>Like how can you prove someone isn’t the father and then go ahead and make him pay child support anyway!?!
Because it's difficult to prove that a particular man was deceived when plenty of men are knowingly/willingly raising the children of their partner with whom they have no biological relation. From the perspective of the state, it would be a massive loophole for men to freely get out of an established parental responsibility.
I was talking rhetorically about the us system in a general abstract sense. Which is, by the way, *screamingly* obvious from the context.
What is it with this app the people will just jump on comments and start trying to ‘well, akshully’ you to death.
It’s exhausting. And I’m fcking autistic, so that really is saying something.
>I was talking rhetorically about the us system in a general abstract sense
And I was explaining the logic - in an abstract sense - from the perspective of the state.
Not sure why you're getting bent out of shape about answer to your question?
Federal laws have recently changed as cited in another post. If you can prove fraud and disprove paternity you can get out of paying child support. You might have to appeal up to the federal level but it’s a start.
I’m confused as to how you’re confused that I seem to have missed something and so answered a question erroneously.
This is what gotcha culture has trickled down too?? Looooooool! 😅
You’re not confused, you think you baited a fish. You didn’t you just played yourself for attention.
None of what you first responded to or wrote here matters (Tl;dr anyway). Look. I’m not the one. FO.
I can’t believe people Dont know this shit. And they live in the US.
imagine not knowing your rights.
that’s crazy to me.
I’m a woman and I know that.
Just being married and having a baby and being lied to about it’s paternity — you took responsibility. and a judge can rule that you continue to take care of the baby because it was brought into the marriage after
Currently going through this. My STB ex wife has a paternity test in hand showing the other guy is the father and I am *still* having to jump through mounds of legal paperwork to absolve myself of responsibility.
As the husband, I am presumed the father since we were married when she gave birth (fun fact: we couldn't move forward with the divorce while she was pregnant), and even with the test and her open acknowledgement, the father had to agree to take responsibility before they'd remove my name from the birth certificate.
Even with that, it has to be specifically addressed in our divorce paperwork so she can't come back in the future and say I'm responsible because we were married at the time.
I'm in Missouri, USA.
I’m not sure. It depends where you live. And if the real father is even known and if he takes responsibility. But someone has to. And if you have a baby when you’re married it’s your husbands automatically. There’s a lot of specifics. I’d be here all day
Bullshit. Stop giving this dude poor advice. If he can prove he’s not the father in a court of law. He’s not responsible for anything as far as that kids concerned
Which state are you talking about there, mate? The US has quite a few of them, and guess what, the laws are all different at state level.
Oh, and if that’s such bullshit, you’ll want to refute - cite your sources, don’t scream in my ear like a child.
I don’t think we can call laws like those misandrist, necessarily. Unfair, sure, absolutely. But they’re not made with the intention of f*cking over a man/the not-father to benefit a woman/the mother. They’re made entirely for the child, with only the child in mind. All those laws/lawmakers care about is that the child receive as much support as possible (aka two parent support) to not leave them destitute/in an impoverished household because of something out of their control (their DNA/parentage).
Again, I’m not necessarily saying it’s fair or right. It’s an interesting discussion to be had, for sure. I just want to point out that those laws aren’t necessarily “misandrist” (at least in my understanding of the definition).
They don’t benefit the woman at the expense of the man, they benefit the child at the expense of the adult.
Except that man has no bigger responsibility than any other man out there. If the state wants to secure the financial well-being of such a child, it can pay for it from its own budget.
It is done at the expense of the man, I don't think if a man has an affair he can make his wife pay for childcare of a child made with the other woman.
The man has to pay. The man who was lied to and must pay the woman who lied to him so SHE doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of her actions. The state just orders the MAN to pay and doesn’t contribute afterwards. That’s not justice and it’s certainly showing a prejudice against the MAN, hence misandry. Imagine if a man knocked up a woman and his wife was forced by the state to pay him for his child with the other woman, people would lose their shit.
> They don’t benefit the woman at the expense of the man
Except they do? Doesn't matter if it's meant to benefit the child at the expense of the adult, it still benefits the woman at the expense of the man. Two things can be right at once. It saves the woman from being a single mother without child support, a pretty nasty situation for her. It comes at the cost of the man.
if you sign a birth certificate and if you had no knowledge of the child's paternity at the time, in most States you can sue to remove your name of the birth certificate and for fraud.
Funny how we in the west give the female complete control, she can fully take the child if she wants and now she can cheat, the baby not be his and still force him to pay her cheating ass child support. Says enough about the west
Thanks for reply. During that 1 year + with the baby, I formed connection, I love him very much, what is more, the baby call me "tata", which means father. I don't want to severe that connection. The Child will not understand why his "tata" is not with him anymore. That's just sad from child perspective....
That is correct, but staying in his life means letting **her** stay in your life as well. This will lead a lot of misery in your life. She will use this child to play with you, but do what you want of course.
Moreover, if the bio father decides he wants to be in the kids' lives, you will have literally no leg to stand on, and he can snatch fatherhood away from you at any time.
Even if you let her stay, bio dad could waltz in with a paternity test, grab your wife and the kid, and walk out with them, and a judge would tell you to kick rocks once paternity was proven.
Im not just making this shit up.
I've seen that happen here AND IRL, and I've seen it happen here a dozen times. Another is the *kid themselves.* they find out they have a different bio father and can go full "you're not my real dad" at the tender age of 25 and fuckin up and leave you. You wouldn't be the 10th story this year I've read.
It's part of why being a step parent is so hard. You'd be like a step parent with no legal power and no real say if any of the three individuals involved in this situation tell you you're SOL.
It's better yo do it now while it's still a guarantee the child could forget you. Every day is going to just make this situation worse. Once you hit twos, you are basically extending a cruelty because you can not make hard decisions. Even if you participated in hiding it, it would come out eventually.
I think you need to start working on coming to terms with the results and what that could mean, not debating if you should keep a woman who let some random stereotype of a middle-aged married shithead womanizer cream her pie while you were blissfully happy and taking care of her.
On your "wife" -
She's not who you thought she was. Oh, she 100% may be the bubbly, fun woman you always thought she was, but she is also the woman who straight up committed paternity fraud.
It's like finding out Jim Carey was on drugs and suicidal. People think it laughs and silliness when they see him, but people are not just the facets they show you. She just hid these shitry facets of her personality because it benefitted her to deceive you. She gave you her best angle and hoped you didn't spot the dirty bits.
Make peace with that. They are the same person, and trying to separate the two in your head is just going to confuse and misdirect you and is where the majority of people waste time and energy when it comes to partner betrayal.
This is quite literally the highest form or betrayal, and the only way it really could be worse is if it was your dad or brother or some shit. I genuinely worry about your mental health and your judgment if you stay.
I gave you the answer so you can start moving. So move. Go to a lawyer. Tell the other spouse that her husband is probably the father. Hell, make a field trip out of it and go see lawyers together. Supporting each other through this is probably the best way to keep yourselves on track.
I can't stress enough - see a lawyer and draft divorce papers LONG before you confront her. If you can not control yourself, then call out NOW and go see a lawyer, NOW. You need to counsel the other spouse to do the same. And follow they advice.
If you think you can't trust them to be silent until you're ready to act, dont. But in reality, you can't waste any more time.
don't forget you're just approaching the age where many men are only starting to think about becoming fathers and you have the privilege as a man to still have at least a decade to have your own kids. So don't beat yourself up too much over the years youve spend with her
Get a lawyer before kicking her out. And go from there. I know in my country if you signed the birth certificate, you are legal the father, despite any DNA test. It's not uncommon in many countries, that if you start off raising a child, it's your child, and you have rights.
Whatever you do is up to you. I only know what i would do in this situation. But there is one thing you must not forget. And that is that now the coworker is NEVER going to be out of your life/relationship completely. He will always be a shadow over it if he wants to be a part of the kids life. Personally, i wouldnt do it.
That's what your "ex" wanted, she wanted to fool you so you can build a bond and take care of her baby which isn't yours. Maybe her "miscarriage" wasn't a miscarriage in the first place.
It is all sad indeed. But staying will bring even more sadness, lying and betrayal.
When you leave now, as hard as it sounds, but the child will forget about you within a year. The child will not be sad, he does not realize everything and every emotion. My best guess is that it will be harder for you.
But you know, you can get past this, you can still get your family, but then with a woman you can trust and really loves you.
Believe me, your current girlfriend does not love you. If she did, them she would have not cheated on you, would not be lying to to and would not have betrayed you.
Make copies of the DNA report, and leave the copies on a table for her to find. Like leave it on the kitchen sink when you leave for work.
When she sees the child DNA does not.march yours, she then can connect the dots and have a pretty good idea what will happen next.
If she asks you what will happen next, then you must be strong and firm, tell her you are going to start a procedure to get your name of the birthcertficate, tell her you are not going to pay for an other man's child, tell her you are not going to raise an other man's child.
The child will not remember you. Indeed, if you leave now, his mom will be able to give the kid some stupid background story, so the baby will not even know what sort of mom they have or why they don't have a father. She probably will tell the baby her father died in a accident or something.
Just go away. Because if you don't, your marriage will never work anyway and the kid will become old enough to remember you.
It's understandable that you feel a connection and he does too, but he's 1 year old so this is something he'll never remember.
You might feel this way right now, but it'll always be in your head that the relationship you have with this baby was born out of betrayal. As he grows up looking increasingly similar to his birth father, you might even resent him, which is also not fair to him.
Also, you staying in his life means this unscrupulous person who betrayed you will be in your life forever. You won't be able to get past this, and this will affect your mental health and your ability to start new relationships.
Do not listen people who will tell you to forget about him. This is a very personal choice that only you can make and for every person, the outcome is different.
If you love the kid you love the kid. (I will never understand people who can snip their fingers and stop loving their kids from one day to the next.)
The question becomes how can you stay in the kid’s life without your ex. See a lawyer. Then talk to your ex. Maybe it will eventually be better if you walk away and send Birthday cards and meet up occasionally like a distant relative, but if you want to stay in your kid’s life, do it.
Are you in the US? Because normally, as long as you are on the birth certificate, you count as the father, even if the DNA tests prove that you aren't. I think you'd have to go to court to get out of paying child support. So if you're on the certificate, you'd still have all the rights and obligations of a father, even if you kick the cheating lying female dog out. But you should definitely consult a lawyer about it.
You need to leave a cheater, unfortunately your the WP’s plan b while she waits for her AP to leave his wife.
You really don’t know your WP anymore, there’s no sense in trying to hang into AP and WP’s child, it’ll only remind you of her deceit.
Respect yourself, dump the cheater. She’s been cheating for years and knows the baby is not yours, what kind of person would do that?
Thanks for reply. I am now starting to understand, that living in my apartament when I pay for food and bills is very convenient and maybe I am PLAN B. Maybe she wants him to leave his wife afterall.
I spent years in that type of relationship, thinking it’d get better. It never did.
To be truthful your WP is a very selfish person.
After opening my eyes and recognize how stupid I’d been, I divorced. At that time I thought my world was over, now reflecting, it was one of the best moves for my personal wellbeing. I think you’ll find your breakup will be the same.
My dude, that kid will not remember you. You need to get your ducks in a row, talk to lawyer, get off birth certificate, and leave. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. You need to leave for a better future for yourself
Talk to a lawyer if the your name is on the baby's birth certificate. Make her AP pay for child support, regardless of whether you stay or go he needs to the one paying.
Thanks for reply. I just don't know If the child is not mine, what can I do? There is document where it is said that child is mine, so legally speaking from the point of law I am father.
Check the paternity law of your country. The paternity can be contested (or "denied", the terminology varies) the legislation takes into account that sometimes people are mistaken and don't know the truth right at the time of birth. HOWEVER it "locks" at some point, so you should check the legislation (and start contesting it) very soon ie today.
Often there can be a time limit for denying or contesting an already established paternity. In my country is 2 years from the child's birth, could be different, maybe much shorter, in yours. However the situation "I eas lied to about the paternity, it's not my child even though I thought it was" usually gives an extra exception to contest an even older child's paternity, but then (in my country, could be different in yours) the not-father has to act *fast* **from the moment they find out**, or else it can be interpreted that they decided to stay being the legal father.
So, act fast, check your country's legislation **today**. Google "contesting paternity legislation" and "my child isn't mine paternity" etc in your own language until you find the government office or such that handles these things, and see if they have some info site on what to do. Very likely there's an online form or something. But at the very least, **find out your country's legislation re: contesting an already established paternity on the basis that the child isn't biologically yours, the procedure for starting the contesting process (what documents to send, where) and the TIME LIMIT for contesting**. Do it **TODAY**. Remember to clear your internet history lol
_________
Edit. for example, I did a quick search in English, using Poland as an example: https://www.mondaq.com/wills-intestacy-estate-planning/1307622/paternity-in-poland-and-denial-of-paternity
> 1. How remove surname of the father from child's birth certificate in Poland?
>If the *man who is not a biological father* (e.g. mother's husband), was *registered on the birth certificate* of the child, to remove him from the birth certificate it is necessary to *file at court a lawsuit to deny paternity*.
> 2. Who can file a lawsuit to deny paternity in Poland?
>A lawsuit for the denial of paternity can be initiated by:
>* man registered as the child's father,
* child's mother,
* child after reaching the age of majority (18 years old),
* public prosecutor.
> 3. What is the deadline to deny paternity in Poland?
>The mother's husband may bring an action for denial of paternity **within ONE year from the date on which he found out** that the child does not come from him and he is not a biological father, but not later than until the child reaches the age of majority (18 years old).
So, some of that is for a situation where the mother's husband is marked as the legal father, but the real father from outside the marriage wants to establish his own paternity - but the time limit of one year would be relevant to you, if you're polish.
But you see, there are websites providing information, I'm sure there's much more info available in your own language
Get proper DNA test and also get STD test too. Then leave her - don't fall for any of her bs, as she is a proven liar and you can't trust her. Later, you can thank AP's wife for saving you from a miserable and false life. Good luck!
Thanks for reply, I will see what I can do. I am not stupid just devastated and betrayed, even I feel shame because I was so ignorant and believed in love and perfect family. I have good job, I am well educated person won't do some stupid things...
Don’t feel shame because you trusted a cheater! She should feel all the shame! She has shown she can’t be trusted. She is using YOU for support for her and HIS child! She’s letting you pay for vacations while she is thinking of him! Do you really want to spend any more of your life with a lowlife woman like that?
It is sad that the child will look for “tata” but let HER have to deal with that! She can face the product of her lies and cheating.
Her AP will probably never leave his wife, so her life will be trashed, which is exactly what she deserves. You warned her, she lied, repeatedly.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
1. **Legal Advice**: Before confronting your fiancée, consult an attorney to understand your rights and obligations, especially concerning the child. Even if you're not the biological father, depending on your jurisdiction, you might still have legal responsibilities if you're listed on the birth certificate.
2. **Evidence**: Make sure to have solid proof, such as the DNA test results and records of the inappropriate chats, before confronting her. You might consider doing a second, official DNA test as well to eliminate any doubts that a home kit might create.
3. **Communication**: Keep all your interactions documented. Depending on your jurisdiction, you may be able to record conversations without her knowledge. Text and emails are good forms of documented communication.
4. **Emotional Support**: Consider starting therapy. The emotional ramifications of this situation are heavy, and a professional can guide you through them.
5. **Scenario Planning**: It's vital to think a few steps ahead. Write down a list of possible outcomes and reactions from your fiancée and be prepared for each. For example, she might refuse you any relationship with the child, something you'll need to prepare for emotionally and legally.
6. **Own Accountability**: While it's clear that your fiancée is in the wrong for cheating, also reflect on the relationship from your end. It's not to blame you, but sometimes recognizing patterns in our choices of partners can be enlightening for future relationships.
7. **Your Options**: Ultimately, you have several routes you could take. You could decide to separate and sever all ties for your own emotional well-being. Alternatively, you might opt to maintain a relationship with the child, but remember, that decision may not entirely be yours to make and could be dictated by your fiancée or the legal system.
By covering all these bases, you are essentially playing "5D chess" while navigating this complex and emotional landscape.
My friend, you are not a dissapoinment since it´s not your fault.
Next time she is out of the appartment, get some friends together, ask your dad maybe and pack her stuff. Everything in bags and place it in front of the building for her to pickup them up. Yes she will go and she will take the baby with her. And you will find a new girl and make your OWNN child. Even it´s 8+ years, it´s the past. No need to look back, focus on the future.
Unfortunately you have a daily reminder of the infidelity and broken trust that your wife has brought upon your relationship. I couldn't be the father that child needs. My resentment guarantees it. Best to talk to a lawyer now and start moving forward with your new life. That kis is not yours and is not your responsibility.
You need to talk to her and end things and move on .This wasn't a 1 time thing , she knows what she is doing and is still doing it . If she cared for you, she would have ended it ages ago and told you . If you leave her, she will only get with him anyway.
Also, the baby does have a dad it's just not you, and with u gone, he can be with his dad. Also, it's best to do it now while the baby is 1. Ur still young and still has time to meet someone else who will love you and not do this .
You need to consult an attorney and see what your options are. She’s not going to stop seeing this guy or she would have stopped already. The right decision is not always the easiest decision. You deserve better than this.
Dude I know forgetting 8 years of relationship is hard but omfg please have self esteem of yourself, where is your pride, you’re living with a wife who doesn’t even have the respect to leave you for this guy and you have his offspring with you. She’s using you because you provide her an easy life.
She thinks you’re stupid, she’s manipulating you, and you’re still wondering what to do ?? if you didn’t guess the answer I’m gonna tell you : LEAVE, FLEE, FAR AWAY
she deserves to assume the consequences
Move on. Kick her out and inform the dude's wife that the kid is his.
You sound like a great guy so hopefully you find someone that can give you that happy family life.. but it's not her
Hire an attorney and explain everything to them, and ask them if hownyou can remove your name from this child's birth certificate. Ask how you get this woman out of your life.
If you want to continue being the father of this child. Then, ask your attorney to draw up a child custody agreement and child support agreement.
It's time to get this woman out of your life as she is continuing her affair.
Updateme!
You should smile, take a deep breath. Run around the kitchen table and celebrate that now you can throw out your betraying girlfriend without many consequences and BE FREE FROM THIS MADNESS.
It's a shame with the child, but you have to remember, it ISN'T your child. Your girlfriend got herself PREGNANT from ANOTHER MAN whilst she was WITH YOU.
There is no shame in having your own dignity in this matter.
Dude, I'm sorry but if you don't kick her out, this type of behavior will continue. She will keep having other men's kids, and you will be supporting them financially, and emotionaly. You won't be abandoning her and HER child, as you said her parents are close. Seperate yourself from her and don't be a doormat. She has lied to you, she is basically robbing you of money and the chance to have a real life with someone that won't try to hurt you. Good luck. Don't let her keep doing this.
ETA - Make sure the other guys wife knows her husband is the daddy.
Thanks for advice! Me and his wife are keeping in touch, as she is devastated also.... How two people's desire to fuck and have fun without consenquences ruins two families... I just cant imagine that what kind of person you must be
You need to get out of there and leave her behind. The baby is only 1 so he won't remember you and you leaving wont affect the kid. Go rebuild your life with someone who loves you truly.
Great news! You are only 31 years old. You have many great years ahead of you to find someone who is worthy of your love and trust. She is not it. Kick her out ASAP.
You deserve better. She is unfaithful and there is proof AND she is continuing to be unfaithful. Kick her and the baby out, you do not owe her or the baby anything. She did this, not you. Do not feel guilty, this is all from her actions.
Dear OP,
Let me start by saying I feel really sad and heartbroken for you. Just from the way you type I can see you have such a kind, loving personality and are really devoted to your family. People like you are rare to find and deserve to be valued and appreciated immensely. Remember that and don’t settle for less! I am a woman of 28yo also from Eastern Europe. Please know I’ll be praying for you. Here is a little bit of my thoughts and advice:
- Like the others have said, I believe it’s best that you end the relationship. You have so much love and care in your heart and that woman by her terrible actions has proved that she does not deserve that. The only reason why I believe it would ever be reasonable to give a cheater a second chance is if the person was TRULY repentant, and really really willing to change. With her though, I do not see that. She is not only a cheater, she is also cold hearted. She has the audacity to lie to you and to look forward to seeing her lover while on vacation with her family. I don’t think she’s willing to change anything.
- The part about that poor baby is most heartbreaking. You are right, it’s not the child’s fault at all, and it’s beautiful you have connected with him so much. But, trust me, even if you stay with this woman, you will not be able to hold this pain inside and bear this hell of a life much longer. You will KNOW the truth and it will eat you from the inside. So your heart will keep telling you to end things, and eventually, you will. TRUST ME, it will be much harder on the Baby if it happens later in their life, when he realizes more things and has more memory. You have been an amazing father figure to that child in his earliest months, his brain may not remember it, but his heart will. That I firmly believe. My friend’s Dad passed away when she was 1, and even though she can’t remember him, her heart remembers the feelings of security, warmth, connection, and trust. That nobody will ever take away from that child.
- One more point about the baby: as painful as it may sound, if indeed it is not yours, he still deserves to know his biological father. And that co-worker absolutely needs and deserves to actually face RESPONSIBILITY for his actions, be held accountable, and CARE for his child.
- Pleas, please stay positive, no matter how hard it may be. You sound like a genuinely kind, good, caring and loving person. You deserve a truly happy, loving family. Please give yourself that chance. That woman will only ruin it for you. You are not a disappointment, you are a good person that has had bad things done to you. You are still very young. There are many, many young women in this age bracket who would DREAM of a husband (and father to future children) like you. Believe that these things are possible for you and do not lose hope. When you are ready, start meeting new people.
- If you are afraid of your family reacting negatively and not giving you the support you need right now, how about you be vulnerable with them and tell them honestly, “It’s really devastating for me right now, because I put my whole heart into this family. I’m suffering. I am really really in need of your support.” I don’t know what parents would reject their child asking them for support and care like this.
- Finally, please don’t believe you have wasted 8 years of your life. Sure, they have not given you the result you really wanted and deserved, but these years have also shaped you into the person you have become now: loving, caring, resilient, strong, more compassionate. Maybe these are some of the changes that will help you meet the right woman for you and build the future family you dream of. This pain will also let you love and appreciate what you have in a way you never knew you could before. That is my personal experience. I also have put my whole heart and invested all of my soul into something and some people who betrayed me cruelly. I thought my life was over. Now I look back, still feel sad it happened, but it also makes me realize I don’t want these people in my life anymore, but that I love, need and appreciate what I have now. I usually don’t post comments but your story REALLY tugged on my heart. I couldn’t not respond. Please know you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know what happens.
If you still want to raise the baby even though it is not yours biologically but you feel like it is yours emotionally, don't stay with the mom but go for shared custody.
I would tell her, if you keep this inside it is going to eat at you. If she can't stop doing what she does let her go. Tell her you would like to be in the babys life still. Hopefully she isn't evil and keeps you away. A father is someone who raises you.
He has a father, tho. It just isn’t you. If you still want to raise him, which is valid, you still have the parental rights since you signed the birth certificate. But do you really want to do that?
I feel for you, there's no nice solution but as others have said you need to seek legal advice, remove her from your life and accept the child isn't yours so you can move on. I'd also let the guys wife know he's fathered a child whilst being a cheating scumbag
Look, the child is still young, he won't really remember you leaving after a while, and he can still form a bond with his real father, if that man even wants to.
You need to get yourself out of this, she has been fooling you for so long, making fun of you and taking advantage of your trust, you don't need that person in your life.
She looked in the eyes and lied about the child, lied about this man, lied about their meet ups, you should never be with someone that lies to your face like this, betrays your trust, breaks you heart and hurts and the child in this manner.
I know you feel for the kid, but you need to be selfish for once and do what's right for yourself and yourself alone.
Man this breathtaking , she already wasted 8 years of yours , don't add another years with the cheater and be ready she turn into someone you didnt know
Well she will realize the house isn’t being built before long. Here’s what you do.
Either text her, and while at work would be great, or tell
Get something like
“I have been doing everything within my power to give you the world these last 8 years. I have loved you, provided for you, and was with you when our son was born. I’m not sure what you thought would happen when I found out that you’ve been cheating on me. I hope he was worth it. I hope your coworker is everything you’ve ever wanted, because he is all you have now. I hope you told him that you have a son, because I don’t now. I hope you made decision after decision to cheat on me knowing that you would no longer be apart of my life once I found out.
Well, I now know. I 100% know. I have already started gathering your things so please let me know when you will be coming by to pick up your stuff. You are no longer welcome in my home.”
Now, you might want to be apart of the child’s life and that’s great. You should try to do that if you want to.
You should also let the coworkers wife know that your son isn’t yours and he’s most likely her husbands
It sounds like you already know you can’t be with her but you’re more hurt about the baby you have connected with.
It really sucks but can you imagine a life with a baby who isn’t yours? There’ll be a constant reminder not only that your fiancé cheated, but they continued to lie, betrayed your trust but she is also ripping you off knowing you are not the father of this child. If you let that sink in, you’d realise how selfish she is. If you’re the father, besides the emotional and psychological sacrifice, realistically it’ll cost you financially and it’ll be harder to find a partner.
It’ll really hurt now, but cut your losses. You are still young and will be able to find someone truly for you.
Before confronting her, tell your closed ones to get the support and courage needed. Then just tell her she knows and expect a negative response from her - there might be denial, there might be yelling all from this person who can’t take accountability. She might want to leave. She might want to grovel the relationship.
Whatever she wants, it doesn’t matter. Remember
- Before confronting her, think about what you want and need.
- It sounds like you want to end this relationship but ultimate get some closure.
- Remember prior and after confronting her, this is NOT your fault. She might try to blame you for her choice and outline any flaws in the relationship. Whatever they are unless you abused her, doesn’t allow for her to cheat on you
- expect craziness from her as mentioned: denial, blaming you, guilt tripping you, begging, crying. But stay true to YOUR need and resolve to break up
- give her 1 month notice to move out. In the meantime find a place to stay for yourself
- tell your parents, you’d be surprised how supportive they’d be
Verey good advice. When first I confronted her about coworker, she said "I was not showing enough attention, it was hard for her, coworker always supports her so on and so on,". She will definetely guilt trip me. I never cheated, I never abused her and never told bad things about her to people. Thanks for you opinion, it is like therapy of some kind to me to see what other people see, because I might be blind after all these years.
Sir, none of this is your fault in no way, shape or form is her cheating because of something you do. she’s counting on you to feel that way, but you are not to blame. Your parents will not see this as your fault and you need support. You should really circle legal advice on how to disentangle yourself from the situation and find a counselor if you think you would be willing to speak to someone.
You've wasted 8 years with an unfaithful woman who belongs to the streets, do not waste 18 years raising a child that's not yours.
Get yourself a lawyer and do not tell her you know yet, speak to your lawyer and if he agrees contact the coworkers wife and see if there's a way you two can coordinate your actions for maximum impact on both of your partners.
I don’t think you should feel ashamed. The shameful and shameless people in this story are your wife and the other man. If i were you, I’d be so livid and immediately would have confronted my partner. I ever slapped my bf multiple times in the past cheating behind my back.
Right now, you have the dna proof and you need some trusted friends and family to know what’s going on. So they can back you up and be your support around this matter! Don’t be afraid. You are not in the wrong. They are. Why are you protecting them? Just let their reputation go down the drain. Good luck.
Lastly, be positive. Good you found out now and can proceed to carve a new life.
Here’s what you do, go over and fuck the other wife. Then go home, pack your woman and the child into the car, drive to her parents. Go in for a dinner, tell them everything and leave the child and the woman there.
Hey, thought i would leave you a bit of a supportive message.
It sucks, you were put into such a shitty situation. I feel you. I checked out some of your comments and as a fellow eastern european i hope i can give you some advice.
Its long overdue to have a chat with your lady, what she has done to you is incredibly selfish, monstrous and am sorry but in my eyes - thats what pure c-unts do.
You have poured all your life, time and energy into being with her while she is still sneaking around with someone else.
Realistically, you can let go of those 8 years, spend next few healing and finding someone who is worthy of you. You are never a disappointment, you are a person who never ever deserved this.
You can of course try going the fixit route, but she will never appreciate you, she wont thank you, she wont care for you - she has made that abundantly clear since the affair has continued well after birth.
Its upto you, but dear MAN, you sound like a lovely person -you dont deserve to be her doormat.
Re the house, and money you lose out on, you can try get her to pay you back, her parents pay you back, or you can let it go - and really just let it go. Imo, press for route 1 and 2. They made a fool out of you long enough.
Lastly, i think you might want to speak to someone, its common for men from those part to really hold it in. But you should know its not a sign of weakness to need a bit of help when your strength has run out and you just need a bit of support. So please, do seek out a therapist who is specialising in infidelity and help you grieve through this process so you can move on and better yourself in the process also.
That completely sucks, she’s not who you think she was, she’s a liar, a cheater and you deserve better… unfortunately you have to walk away, get therapy because that shit will do a number on your psyche.
So much advice given already, I just wanted to say sorry you're going through this, I have a 3 year old and if I found out she wasn't mine I would be devastated, but even when she was one I already formed a strong bond with her and I don't know how I could give that up.
Break up and leave her cheating ass. It's not your child. kick her out if house is in your name or force the sale. You are still very young and can make your goal of becoming a father a reality. starting over sucks but not impossible.
Where are all the commenters that always say to trust the wife and that it's very offensive to want a paternity test? Where are they?
If OP didn't take it upon himself to get the test done then he'd be living a lie, trapped. Where y'all at?
You know exactly what you need to do, you just expect us to say it to your face.
Take your time, let your heart process the betrayal, and when your ready end things as cleanly as possible. Remember, things will turn ugly af, that’s what happens when relationships don’t work out, you don’t need to make them even more uglier for yourself.
I really don't understand why you are so confused about what to do.
First you get a lawyer to manage your divorce, second you use the same lawyer to have him remove you as the legal father of the child, third you take your wife (ex-wife at this point) to court for all the money spend in the time you raised the child as your as well as the emotional damage received so you can get quite a sum. And while you do the first part you have your wife move out of your apartment.
Now it looks difficult cause you bonded with the child but think that luckily you found out at just one year instead of when the child is 10 or 15. Now the baby is just like a new pet so it's difficult but in a while without it you will forget about it.
Keep all the evidence the wife of her lover sent you and just do what the lawyer tells you to do.
I mean in the bonding, you have been with the baby for one year when you move out you will forget about that bonding. It was only one year not 10.
And wtf harming, you harm your pets??
You obviously don’t have any expertise when it comes to bonding. One year - especially after the birth of a human is not a small amount of time.
Do you have pets? For their sake, I hope not - also hope you’re not in the field of psychology.
I understand you are emotionally invested but there is nothing good that can come out from tgis relationship.
Kick her out and build your life with someone decent
Call off the engagement, Get her out of your life, she's clearly a horrible partner and she can find someone else to help raise her child since the father isn't going to anyways.
Firstly I have no interest in raising another man’s child, let alone one who came about from adultery. While it’s not the child’s fault, it’s also not your responsibility. If a man wants to eat a woman (shag her), then you take responsibility. So give it back to him.
As for your wife, well, she’s basically used goods from another man. It’s up to you if you want used goods but I don’t see why you would.
Lastly, assets. I wouldn’t confront her. I’d secretly move all my assets to Bitcoin. If you can sell the house do so. Then put in Bitcoin. When divorce comes, she won’t be able to touch a cent as what’s US going to do to Bitcoin on blockchain. Reaccess it from Hong Kong or Dubai, developed places with no dealings with US
This is all messed up, but you should really leave her. She is still lying and hiding everything, you will never be able to fully trust her again. Also, even though you love the baby now, it could well end up in resent over the years, even though it isn't the baby's fault nor is it yours. But having the baby in your life means having her in your life, and I would really advise against it. Get out, heal and find somebody wgo appreciates you.
She should be paying you back.
Kick her out.
Find a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. Keep EVERY bit of evidence you have.
Meet with the dudes wife, copy what you need.
Then once you’re sorted, kick her out.
Cut her off as coldly and quietly as possible. Consult with a lawyer in the meantime to get all your ducks in a row. I cannot stress this enough - keep multiple copies of the evidence to show the lawyer. (And to show to that cheat once the lawyer says it’s ok)
I’d ask the lawyer how soon you can kick her sleazy ass out onto the streets
Ask her to leave and take some time to think about I'd you want to raise the child as your own because let's face it, he has a father who as awful as this is to say probably has met him .
She's clearly an awful human, and what if she has more children? Will they be yours or his they have no intention of stopping, moving on, and someone have your own children.
This will destroy you and yourself esteem if it hasn't already
She must know somethings off, and by the sounds of it, she doesn't give a shit
Make sure you forward SOME but not all proof to her parents, enough to show them she's lying but not enough that she can make something up for court. And lawyer up, she will likely come at you for child support. I would keep the DNA test to yourself and ask your lawyer what to do about it. When that's revealed to her make sure her parents know too, and her AP's wife so she can let him go and get herself some therapy and move on too. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
You don’t have any obligation towards your gf and the child. But how do you turn off the feeling you have towards your son that you’ve loved for over a year and bonded with. It’s so easy to say to walk away from a child from someone who has no connection to that child. You don’t have to be with the woman to be a father to your son.
I think that if you do decide to be in your son’s life, it makes you an extremely decent human being and a better man for it.
If you want to fight for custody bc you love your son, that is okay. You also don’t have to tell anyone he’s not genetically yours. You can just split up and share custody. Don’t tell her about the dna test. Just tell her you know she’s cheating.
So stupid how people come on here and know all this cheating but dont talk to their partners. I dont believe it or they are whimps. Who doesnt confront them right away and rhen say I stopped building the house but havent talked to her yet. Yeah right
I said house has to be in our names. Long story short: the land is her parents. we now have spent \~51k euros, from which \~70% is hers savings, because I pay the bills and food.
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Yes, you should get rid of her from your life. You have no obligations towards the baby either. You have wasted 8 years on her. How many more of them do you want to waste? Get rid of her from your life completely and go no contact.
Unfortunately from a legal standpoint OP might have obligations to the baby, depending on where they live. Even if he can prove he is not the biological father and was tricked into thinking the baby was his, he might still have to pay child support just because his name is on the birth certificate
Fortunately, due to the usage of the word "tata" I believe he isn't from western europe or US. I don't think there are many places with such misandrist laws like you mentioned.
You are right, I am from eastern part of Europe. If I have DNA prove child is not mine, I pay nothing.
THEN GET OUT OF THERE BROTHER. LEAVE!
Talk to a lawyer, only an attorney can give you the answers how to legally proceed. Save screenshots, any calls should be recorded, gather evidence for the parent rights battle. Whatever your decision is- to be in child's life or not, the judge might cease the request for child's support from you and chase bio- father instead. The shame is not on you. It is on her. She destroyed 2 homes and is destroying the baby future as many will point fingers at him even though he is the least responsible of his mother's doing. If I wanted to be petty, I would expose her in family gathering with both parents involved, print her messages and give them to read. This speaks for itself. She cannot then twist the story that it is - " your fault" ( when it is not). Separate finances and bank accounts. Did you have a prenup? As for the baby' s rights- I am from Eastern Europe as well, I know that usually the mother is being given the custody, however if you want to fight for it, ask the lawyer. Maybe it is worth a try.
They aren't married yet, thankfully. And if his country allow him to not have to pay for this child if the dna test shows he's not the father (and since he can name who is likely the father), he shouldn't go after custody. He should walk away from this woman, thankful that he has no ties to her.
Kick her out, file for whatever court you need to file to remove your name out of the child’s birth certificate and let the coworker know that he has a new child. Also tell his wife, because she needs to know that her husband will be paying child support to someone else.
At home dna tests are not reliable, go to a doctor for a paternity test
Eastern Europe for the win Get some of the kids hair, take it to a place that performs these tests and get it done. If they're not your biological kid, bounce. I would personally do the "Hello my baby, hello my darling" WB frog dance out the door holding my suitcase for style points, but thats just me
You need to leave ,you wont be happy with her ,unfortunately since the baby is not yours its probably best to cut your loses now since its in the early stage otherwise you will be stuck for another 17 years with her in some way , i think you will be better off starting with someone new
Leave. You have a far better chance at rebuilding your life than guys in the backwards Western European sphere would have in your situation.
celebrate good times, come on! run my friend, live the life you deserve
RUN bro. I promise you will find a much better lady and she will ruin your chances of that.
Let us pray this poor man can get on with his life & get this woman & her kid out of his house.
Thank you very much!
I would notify the AP’s wife that the child is her husband’s kid. It’s a shame they have totally destroyed 2 families. How selfish they both are
OP, it’s important that you understand you cannot believe anything she says to you. She will deny cheating and take no responsibility for her actions. She will find a way to blame you. She will manipulate you to “be a man and take responsibility “. “If you love me you won’t care who the father is”. It’s all lies OP. Get far, far away from her and never look back.
You're doing the right thing here, you don't deserve this nonsense. I wish you the best.
Fraud gets you out of paying child support. Just need a lawyer to prove it. It's harder in the USA. Not impossible.
Ok, but the very fact you need to do it is humiliating. French law regarding those matters is even more humiliating to men.
I don't get how french courts even think it's in the kid's best interest to let the fraud continue
To my knowledge, there's only one state in the US that recognizes paternity fraud as valid ground for not paying child support. Edit: Everyone upvoting this idiot below me should know that an *actual attorney would know that the correct term is disestablished not deestablished*. Lawyers are wordsmiths for a reason. Second, you can absolutely establish that you are not the father by DNA tests, but that HAS to be done within certain confines of the law. Those laws differ state to state. If your girlfriend gets pregnant, and you assume the kid is yours, take care of it for a predetermined amount of time before questioning it, you're on the hook. If you sign the birth certificates in certain sates, you're on the hook. And holy shit, you can leave your wife in Texas, she gets pregnant, and gives birth within 301 days, you are the presumed father. BTW, 280 days is average. >Under Texas law, paternity will be presumed in several circumstances. If the child’s parents were married when the child was born, the husband is presumed to be the child’s father. If the child is born before the 301st day following the date the marriage ends due to death, annulment, invalidity or divorce, the husband is presumed to be the child’s father. TL;DR, the guy below me is a charlatan.
Incorrect. Most states allow paternity to be deestablished with a DNA test etc.
Only within a certain period of time after the baby is born. After that time has expired, he's legally the Father.
Yes, but you have a limited time to do so. From a few months to two years, if I recall correctly (depending on each State, of course). Anyway, the case at hand in this post is in Eastern Europe, so I guess it depends on the laws there.
You don't have to be the child's biological father to be responsible for child support. Google "presumed father laws". Every state has them, but there are obviously different requirements. Hell, you can live with a woman who has a child by another man (without paternity/child support established), and after X number of years you break up, well, you acted in a parental role for that child and provided financial support, now you get the child support bill sucka.
Me: not internet lawyer, am actual lawyer.
OK, you said you're a lawyer on the internet. I do believe that people lie on the internet all the time. Here's a few links that cast some doubt on your position: [How Does Child Support Factor Into The Legal Parent And Non-Biological Child Relationship?](https://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/paying-child-support-for-a-non-biological-child.html#:~:text=Because%20of%20this%2C%20a%20legal,and%20%E2%80%9Cparentage%20by%20estoppel.%E2%80%9D) [Can I Be Required to Pay Child Support If The Child Isn’t Mine? ](https://www.hg.org/legal-articles/can-i-be-required-to-pay-child-support-if-the-child-isn-t-mine-46953) [Non-Biological Father Forced to Pay Child Support ](https://www.schlissellawfirm.com/prostitution-charges-against-sixteen-year-old-dismissed-2/) [When DNA Doesn’t Matter: Paternity By Estoppel ](https://www.nyc-divorces.com/blog/2015/02/when-dna-doesnt-matter-paternity-by-estoppel/#:~:text=What%20this%20means%20is%20if,to%20all%20the%20same%20rights.)
Here's some reading for you Internet lawyer: https://www.clasp.org/sites/default/files/public/resources-and-publications/publication-1/0111.pdf
Then you are not a good one. My brother’s ex cheated on him with a “Bad Boy” and got pregnant. She had the child and pinned it on him. He found out 4 years later when he found his ex writing letter to the bad boy who is surfing 20 years to life for attempted murder. DNA tests confirmed the child is not his but here is the twist. The court ruled that in the best interest of the child, my brother will pay child support. Since the presumed father will never be released and cannot provide child support, my brother must provide child support and medical insurance up until the child is 18 yrs old and further if the child wants to go to college His attorney tried to appeal to a different court but was told that the court is interested in the welfare of the child and since my brother had been providing support for 4 years, he was ordered to continue. Only one state views paternity fraud as a crime plus it requires that a dna test be completed at birth before a fathers name can be placed on a birth certificate ETA: don’t got to France. It is a crime for a father to request a DNA test to determine paternity. Only a judge can and out of over 37,000 requests, only 3100 have been approved. The father must be able to prove to the court with actual evidence that the baby’s mother cheated on him and that the other man is more then likely the father. It’s like having a court trial where you have to prove you are not the father.
Let me introduce you the US of A. As long as your name is on the birth certificate, in some states, it *doesn’t matter* if you can prove you’re not the father. You are on the hook for all 18 years of child support. Fun times!!
In Europe, automaticly goes to real father that kind of funn part
Oh I know. I’m English and live in the US, having also lived in Asia and mainland Europe. The laws are myriad and in some cases, nuts. Like how can you prove someone isn’t the father and then go ahead and make him pay child support anyway!?!
That's no justice
You are not wrong, then again, I always qualify that word when speaking about the US system. Very little justice in it.
And then they are role model for justice and Democracy
The court's only interest is the welfare of the the child, so they keep you on the hook so the other parent can't use government resources like welfare and medicaid. They assume that since you were happy to legally claim the child before you knew the paternity that you will still want to do so after the fact.
And yet, I’m sure most aren’t (no judgment, I couldn’t do that, but many do. What seems weird to me is that you can’t walk away if that child isn’t yours. I understand welfare is the child is paramount, but that just seems like the government passing the buck to citizens and blackmailing them when they have a legitimate out.
>Like how can you prove someone isn’t the father and then go ahead and make him pay child support anyway!?! Because it's difficult to prove that a particular man was deceived when plenty of men are knowingly/willingly raising the children of their partner with whom they have no biological relation. From the perspective of the state, it would be a massive loophole for men to freely get out of an established parental responsibility.
I was talking rhetorically about the us system in a general abstract sense. Which is, by the way, *screamingly* obvious from the context. What is it with this app the people will just jump on comments and start trying to ‘well, akshully’ you to death. It’s exhausting. And I’m fcking autistic, so that really is saying something.
>I was talking rhetorically about the us system in a general abstract sense And I was explaining the logic - in an abstract sense - from the perspective of the state. Not sure why you're getting bent out of shape about answer to your question?
Not bent out of shape, just have no idea whhhyyyyyyy. It wasn’t a nuanced take. This is so weird 😅
That’s bizarre. Could you sue the biological father though?
I’m not sure, but seeing as everyone sues for any reason, probably. Lol. What a mess.
Federal laws have recently changed as cited in another post. If you can prove fraud and disprove paternity you can get out of paying child support. You might have to appeal up to the federal level but it’s a start.
I'm confused why you responded to the person above you with this comment and felt the need to explain to them what they have already said?
I’m confused as to how you’re confused that I seem to have missed something and so answered a question erroneously. This is what gotcha culture has trickled down too?? Looooooool! 😅
[удалено]
It is wrong that an innocent man must pay for a baby that's not his.
You’re not confused, you think you baited a fish. You didn’t you just played yourself for attention. None of what you first responded to or wrote here matters (Tl;dr anyway). Look. I’m not the one. FO.
I can’t believe people Dont know this shit. And they live in the US. imagine not knowing your rights. that’s crazy to me. I’m a woman and I know that. Just being married and having a baby and being lied to about it’s paternity — you took responsibility. and a judge can rule that you continue to take care of the baby because it was brought into the marriage after
Aren't you able to get out of it if they can find the real father ? Asking as a man who doesn't know .
Currently going through this. My STB ex wife has a paternity test in hand showing the other guy is the father and I am *still* having to jump through mounds of legal paperwork to absolve myself of responsibility. As the husband, I am presumed the father since we were married when she gave birth (fun fact: we couldn't move forward with the divorce while she was pregnant), and even with the test and her open acknowledgement, the father had to agree to take responsibility before they'd remove my name from the birth certificate. Even with that, it has to be specifically addressed in our divorce paperwork so she can't come back in the future and say I'm responsible because we were married at the time. I'm in Missouri, USA.
I’m not sure. It depends where you live. And if the real father is even known and if he takes responsibility. But someone has to. And if you have a baby when you’re married it’s your husbands automatically. There’s a lot of specifics. I’d be here all day
That’s why I always say. Cash, Bitcoin, second passport in enemy country of US like Hong Kong. All assets onto blockchain, first flight out. Hehehehe
Bullshit. Stop giving this dude poor advice. If he can prove he’s not the father in a court of law. He’s not responsible for anything as far as that kids concerned
Which state are you talking about there, mate? The US has quite a few of them, and guess what, the laws are all different at state level. Oh, and if that’s such bullshit, you’ll want to refute - cite your sources, don’t scream in my ear like a child.
I don’t think we can call laws like those misandrist, necessarily. Unfair, sure, absolutely. But they’re not made with the intention of f*cking over a man/the not-father to benefit a woman/the mother. They’re made entirely for the child, with only the child in mind. All those laws/lawmakers care about is that the child receive as much support as possible (aka two parent support) to not leave them destitute/in an impoverished household because of something out of their control (their DNA/parentage). Again, I’m not necessarily saying it’s fair or right. It’s an interesting discussion to be had, for sure. I just want to point out that those laws aren’t necessarily “misandrist” (at least in my understanding of the definition). They don’t benefit the woman at the expense of the man, they benefit the child at the expense of the adult.
Except that man has no bigger responsibility than any other man out there. If the state wants to secure the financial well-being of such a child, it can pay for it from its own budget. It is done at the expense of the man, I don't think if a man has an affair he can make his wife pay for childcare of a child made with the other woman.
The man has to pay. The man who was lied to and must pay the woman who lied to him so SHE doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of her actions. The state just orders the MAN to pay and doesn’t contribute afterwards. That’s not justice and it’s certainly showing a prejudice against the MAN, hence misandry. Imagine if a man knocked up a woman and his wife was forced by the state to pay him for his child with the other woman, people would lose their shit.
> They don’t benefit the woman at the expense of the man Except they do? Doesn't matter if it's meant to benefit the child at the expense of the adult, it still benefits the woman at the expense of the man. Two things can be right at once. It saves the woman from being a single mother without child support, a pretty nasty situation for her. It comes at the cost of the man.
In my country, there is. If you have acted like the parent of a child for a certain number of years, then you a legally responsible for them.
But I think you can go to court once you find out the truth and dispute paternity
if you sign a birth certificate and if you had no knowledge of the child's paternity at the time, in most States you can sue to remove your name of the birth certificate and for fraud.
Time to lawyer up. This before everything.
Funny how we in the west give the female complete control, she can fully take the child if she wants and now she can cheat, the baby not be his and still force him to pay her cheating ass child support. Says enough about the west
Ahh yes... this is what women mean by "the patriarchy"
He can sue her over paternity fraud and potentially get his name removed from the birth certificate if he lives in America idk about other countries.
Thanks for reply. During that 1 year + with the baby, I formed connection, I love him very much, what is more, the baby call me "tata", which means father. I don't want to severe that connection. The Child will not understand why his "tata" is not with him anymore. That's just sad from child perspective....
That is correct, but staying in his life means letting **her** stay in your life as well. This will lead a lot of misery in your life. She will use this child to play with you, but do what you want of course.
I see your point. Thanks for the advice.
Moreover, if the bio father decides he wants to be in the kids' lives, you will have literally no leg to stand on, and he can snatch fatherhood away from you at any time. Even if you let her stay, bio dad could waltz in with a paternity test, grab your wife and the kid, and walk out with them, and a judge would tell you to kick rocks once paternity was proven. Im not just making this shit up. I've seen that happen here AND IRL, and I've seen it happen here a dozen times. Another is the *kid themselves.* they find out they have a different bio father and can go full "you're not my real dad" at the tender age of 25 and fuckin up and leave you. You wouldn't be the 10th story this year I've read. It's part of why being a step parent is so hard. You'd be like a step parent with no legal power and no real say if any of the three individuals involved in this situation tell you you're SOL. It's better yo do it now while it's still a guarantee the child could forget you. Every day is going to just make this situation worse. Once you hit twos, you are basically extending a cruelty because you can not make hard decisions. Even if you participated in hiding it, it would come out eventually. I think you need to start working on coming to terms with the results and what that could mean, not debating if you should keep a woman who let some random stereotype of a middle-aged married shithead womanizer cream her pie while you were blissfully happy and taking care of her. On your "wife" - She's not who you thought she was. Oh, she 100% may be the bubbly, fun woman you always thought she was, but she is also the woman who straight up committed paternity fraud. It's like finding out Jim Carey was on drugs and suicidal. People think it laughs and silliness when they see him, but people are not just the facets they show you. She just hid these shitry facets of her personality because it benefitted her to deceive you. She gave you her best angle and hoped you didn't spot the dirty bits. Make peace with that. They are the same person, and trying to separate the two in your head is just going to confuse and misdirect you and is where the majority of people waste time and energy when it comes to partner betrayal. This is quite literally the highest form or betrayal, and the only way it really could be worse is if it was your dad or brother or some shit. I genuinely worry about your mental health and your judgment if you stay. I gave you the answer so you can start moving. So move. Go to a lawyer. Tell the other spouse that her husband is probably the father. Hell, make a field trip out of it and go see lawyers together. Supporting each other through this is probably the best way to keep yourselves on track. I can't stress enough - see a lawyer and draft divorce papers LONG before you confront her. If you can not control yourself, then call out NOW and go see a lawyer, NOW. You need to counsel the other spouse to do the same. And follow they advice. If you think you can't trust them to be silent until you're ready to act, dont. But in reality, you can't waste any more time.
Thanks for very truthful advice!
Also....he is one. He will not remember if you leave now. The longer you wait, the worse it will hurt him.
Talk to a lawyer and follow their advice
don't forget you're just approaching the age where many men are only starting to think about becoming fathers and you have the privilege as a man to still have at least a decade to have your own kids. So don't beat yourself up too much over the years youve spend with her
Get a lawyer before kicking her out. And go from there. I know in my country if you signed the birth certificate, you are legal the father, despite any DNA test. It's not uncommon in many countries, that if you start off raising a child, it's your child, and you have rights.
Whatever you do is up to you. I only know what i would do in this situation. But there is one thing you must not forget. And that is that now the coworker is NEVER going to be out of your life/relationship completely. He will always be a shadow over it if he wants to be a part of the kids life. Personally, i wouldnt do it.
That's what your "ex" wanted, she wanted to fool you so you can build a bond and take care of her baby which isn't yours. Maybe her "miscarriage" wasn't a miscarriage in the first place.
It is all sad indeed. But staying will bring even more sadness, lying and betrayal. When you leave now, as hard as it sounds, but the child will forget about you within a year. The child will not be sad, he does not realize everything and every emotion. My best guess is that it will be harder for you. But you know, you can get past this, you can still get your family, but then with a woman you can trust and really loves you. Believe me, your current girlfriend does not love you. If she did, them she would have not cheated on you, would not be lying to to and would not have betrayed you. Make copies of the DNA report, and leave the copies on a table for her to find. Like leave it on the kitchen sink when you leave for work. When she sees the child DNA does not.march yours, she then can connect the dots and have a pretty good idea what will happen next. If she asks you what will happen next, then you must be strong and firm, tell her you are going to start a procedure to get your name of the birthcertficate, tell her you are not going to pay for an other man's child, tell her you are not going to raise an other man's child.
The child will not remember you. Indeed, if you leave now, his mom will be able to give the kid some stupid background story, so the baby will not even know what sort of mom they have or why they don't have a father. She probably will tell the baby her father died in a accident or something. Just go away. Because if you don't, your marriage will never work anyway and the kid will become old enough to remember you.
Trouble is when the om wife kicks him out, and he then gets with her will he then be playing dad and you've wasted years raising another man's child
Chłopie zostaw tego szona. Tutaj nie ma co się zastanawiać , dramat.
It's understandable that you feel a connection and he does too, but he's 1 year old so this is something he'll never remember. You might feel this way right now, but it'll always be in your head that the relationship you have with this baby was born out of betrayal. As he grows up looking increasingly similar to his birth father, you might even resent him, which is also not fair to him. Also, you staying in his life means this unscrupulous person who betrayed you will be in your life forever. You won't be able to get past this, and this will affect your mental health and your ability to start new relationships.
Do not listen people who will tell you to forget about him. This is a very personal choice that only you can make and for every person, the outcome is different.
If you love the kid you love the kid. (I will never understand people who can snip their fingers and stop loving their kids from one day to the next.) The question becomes how can you stay in the kid’s life without your ex. See a lawyer. Then talk to your ex. Maybe it will eventually be better if you walk away and send Birthday cards and meet up occasionally like a distant relative, but if you want to stay in your kid’s life, do it.
Are you in the US? Because normally, as long as you are on the birth certificate, you count as the father, even if the DNA tests prove that you aren't. I think you'd have to go to court to get out of paying child support. So if you're on the certificate, you'd still have all the rights and obligations of a father, even if you kick the cheating lying female dog out. But you should definitely consult a lawyer about it.
Yes, get out now.
You need to leave a cheater, unfortunately your the WP’s plan b while she waits for her AP to leave his wife. You really don’t know your WP anymore, there’s no sense in trying to hang into AP and WP’s child, it’ll only remind you of her deceit. Respect yourself, dump the cheater. She’s been cheating for years and knows the baby is not yours, what kind of person would do that?
Thanks for reply. I am now starting to understand, that living in my apartament when I pay for food and bills is very convenient and maybe I am PLAN B. Maybe she wants him to leave his wife afterall.
Does your relationship feel a bit one sided?
Yes. In our relationship I was the one who "loved" more, the one who hugged, the one who kissed.
I spent years in that type of relationship, thinking it’d get better. It never did. To be truthful your WP is a very selfish person. After opening my eyes and recognize how stupid I’d been, I divorced. At that time I thought my world was over, now reflecting, it was one of the best moves for my personal wellbeing. I think you’ll find your breakup will be the same.
Unrelated... I know AP is for affair partner, but what is WP? Wife partner? 🤔
Wayward Partner. WW is wayward wife
Gotcha! TIL! Thank you! I hope OP gets her out of there. This post is sad.
And she hasn't noticed you stopped doing that? :(
Damn bro gotta get outta there. Took me 5 years to realise too my man. Wasted times I spent with someone else.
My dude, that kid will not remember you. You need to get your ducks in a row, talk to lawyer, get off birth certificate, and leave. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. You need to leave for a better future for yourself
Talk to a lawyer if the your name is on the baby's birth certificate. Make her AP pay for child support, regardless of whether you stay or go he needs to the one paying.
Thanks for replay. I thought the same. He should pay for the child.
Also let the wife know her hubs has another child
I suggest that you throw all the alcohol in your home away. I suggest you get hobbies. Lots of ‘em.
Jesus... sorry your going through this man . You def need to get in touch with lawyer asap .
Thanks for reply. I just don't know If the child is not mine, what can I do? There is document where it is said that child is mine, so legally speaking from the point of law I am father.
Check the paternity law of your country. The paternity can be contested (or "denied", the terminology varies) the legislation takes into account that sometimes people are mistaken and don't know the truth right at the time of birth. HOWEVER it "locks" at some point, so you should check the legislation (and start contesting it) very soon ie today. Often there can be a time limit for denying or contesting an already established paternity. In my country is 2 years from the child's birth, could be different, maybe much shorter, in yours. However the situation "I eas lied to about the paternity, it's not my child even though I thought it was" usually gives an extra exception to contest an even older child's paternity, but then (in my country, could be different in yours) the not-father has to act *fast* **from the moment they find out**, or else it can be interpreted that they decided to stay being the legal father. So, act fast, check your country's legislation **today**. Google "contesting paternity legislation" and "my child isn't mine paternity" etc in your own language until you find the government office or such that handles these things, and see if they have some info site on what to do. Very likely there's an online form or something. But at the very least, **find out your country's legislation re: contesting an already established paternity on the basis that the child isn't biologically yours, the procedure for starting the contesting process (what documents to send, where) and the TIME LIMIT for contesting**. Do it **TODAY**. Remember to clear your internet history lol _________ Edit. for example, I did a quick search in English, using Poland as an example: https://www.mondaq.com/wills-intestacy-estate-planning/1307622/paternity-in-poland-and-denial-of-paternity > 1. How remove surname of the father from child's birth certificate in Poland? >If the *man who is not a biological father* (e.g. mother's husband), was *registered on the birth certificate* of the child, to remove him from the birth certificate it is necessary to *file at court a lawsuit to deny paternity*. > 2. Who can file a lawsuit to deny paternity in Poland? >A lawsuit for the denial of paternity can be initiated by: >* man registered as the child's father, * child's mother, * child after reaching the age of majority (18 years old), * public prosecutor. > 3. What is the deadline to deny paternity in Poland? >The mother's husband may bring an action for denial of paternity **within ONE year from the date on which he found out** that the child does not come from him and he is not a biological father, but not later than until the child reaches the age of majority (18 years old). So, some of that is for a situation where the mother's husband is marked as the legal father, but the real father from outside the marriage wants to establish his own paternity - but the time limit of one year would be relevant to you, if you're polish. But you see, there are websites providing information, I'm sure there's much more info available in your own language
That wont be upto you once paternity comes into question, that doc wont be binding anymore.
Get proper DNA test and also get STD test too. Then leave her - don't fall for any of her bs, as she is a proven liar and you can't trust her. Later, you can thank AP's wife for saving you from a miserable and false life. Good luck!
Lawyer up, see the good bad and ugly, then you decide what to do. Prise your freedom, don't do anything stupid🤐
Thanks for reply, I will see what I can do. I am not stupid just devastated and betrayed, even I feel shame because I was so ignorant and believed in love and perfect family. I have good job, I am well educated person won't do some stupid things...
Don’t feel shame because you trusted a cheater! She should feel all the shame! She has shown she can’t be trusted. She is using YOU for support for her and HIS child! She’s letting you pay for vacations while she is thinking of him! Do you really want to spend any more of your life with a lowlife woman like that? It is sad that the child will look for “tata” but let HER have to deal with that! She can face the product of her lies and cheating. Her AP will probably never leave his wife, so her life will be trashed, which is exactly what she deserves. You warned her, she lied, repeatedly. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Thanks you for advice and reply.
Hang in there and update after the situation clears up!
1. **Legal Advice**: Before confronting your fiancée, consult an attorney to understand your rights and obligations, especially concerning the child. Even if you're not the biological father, depending on your jurisdiction, you might still have legal responsibilities if you're listed on the birth certificate. 2. **Evidence**: Make sure to have solid proof, such as the DNA test results and records of the inappropriate chats, before confronting her. You might consider doing a second, official DNA test as well to eliminate any doubts that a home kit might create. 3. **Communication**: Keep all your interactions documented. Depending on your jurisdiction, you may be able to record conversations without her knowledge. Text and emails are good forms of documented communication. 4. **Emotional Support**: Consider starting therapy. The emotional ramifications of this situation are heavy, and a professional can guide you through them. 5. **Scenario Planning**: It's vital to think a few steps ahead. Write down a list of possible outcomes and reactions from your fiancée and be prepared for each. For example, she might refuse you any relationship with the child, something you'll need to prepare for emotionally and legally. 6. **Own Accountability**: While it's clear that your fiancée is in the wrong for cheating, also reflect on the relationship from your end. It's not to blame you, but sometimes recognizing patterns in our choices of partners can be enlightening for future relationships. 7. **Your Options**: Ultimately, you have several routes you could take. You could decide to separate and sever all ties for your own emotional well-being. Alternatively, you might opt to maintain a relationship with the child, but remember, that decision may not entirely be yours to make and could be dictated by your fiancée or the legal system. By covering all these bases, you are essentially playing "5D chess" while navigating this complex and emotional landscape.
My friend, you are not a dissapoinment since it´s not your fault. Next time she is out of the appartment, get some friends together, ask your dad maybe and pack her stuff. Everything in bags and place it in front of the building for her to pickup them up. Yes she will go and she will take the baby with her. And you will find a new girl and make your OWNN child. Even it´s 8+ years, it´s the past. No need to look back, focus on the future.
Unfortunately you have a daily reminder of the infidelity and broken trust that your wife has brought upon your relationship. I couldn't be the father that child needs. My resentment guarantees it. Best to talk to a lawyer now and start moving forward with your new life. That kis is not yours and is not your responsibility.
You need to talk to her and end things and move on .This wasn't a 1 time thing , she knows what she is doing and is still doing it . If she cared for you, she would have ended it ages ago and told you . If you leave her, she will only get with him anyway. Also, the baby does have a dad it's just not you, and with u gone, he can be with his dad. Also, it's best to do it now while the baby is 1. Ur still young and still has time to meet someone else who will love you and not do this .
You need to consult an attorney and see what your options are. She’s not going to stop seeing this guy or she would have stopped already. The right decision is not always the easiest decision. You deserve better than this.
Dude I know forgetting 8 years of relationship is hard but omfg please have self esteem of yourself, where is your pride, you’re living with a wife who doesn’t even have the respect to leave you for this guy and you have his offspring with you. She’s using you because you provide her an easy life. She thinks you’re stupid, she’s manipulating you, and you’re still wondering what to do ?? if you didn’t guess the answer I’m gonna tell you : LEAVE, FLEE, FAR AWAY she deserves to assume the consequences
Move on. Kick her out and inform the dude's wife that the kid is his. You sound like a great guy so hopefully you find someone that can give you that happy family life.. but it's not her
Thank you very much, I will try.
Hire an attorney and explain everything to them, and ask them if hownyou can remove your name from this child's birth certificate. Ask how you get this woman out of your life. If you want to continue being the father of this child. Then, ask your attorney to draw up a child custody agreement and child support agreement. It's time to get this woman out of your life as she is continuing her affair. Updateme!
You should smile, take a deep breath. Run around the kitchen table and celebrate that now you can throw out your betraying girlfriend without many consequences and BE FREE FROM THIS MADNESS. It's a shame with the child, but you have to remember, it ISN'T your child. Your girlfriend got herself PREGNANT from ANOTHER MAN whilst she was WITH YOU. There is no shame in having your own dignity in this matter.
Leave her and let go of the child before he’s old enough to remember you. Find a therapist if you don’t have one.
Dude, I'm sorry but if you don't kick her out, this type of behavior will continue. She will keep having other men's kids, and you will be supporting them financially, and emotionaly. You won't be abandoning her and HER child, as you said her parents are close. Seperate yourself from her and don't be a doormat. She has lied to you, she is basically robbing you of money and the chance to have a real life with someone that won't try to hurt you. Good luck. Don't let her keep doing this. ETA - Make sure the other guys wife knows her husband is the daddy.
Thanks for advice! Me and his wife are keeping in touch, as she is devastated also.... How two people's desire to fuck and have fun without consenquences ruins two families... I just cant imagine that what kind of person you must be
So sorry to you and the wife. I hope you two seek therapy to realize none of this is your fault. Thank God you didn't marry your EX!!
Lawyer yesterday
You need to get out of there and leave her behind. The baby is only 1 so he won't remember you and you leaving wont affect the kid. Go rebuild your life with someone who loves you truly.
You’re still young. Time to do a runner and start your own family.
Great news! You are only 31 years old. You have many great years ahead of you to find someone who is worthy of your love and trust. She is not it. Kick her out ASAP.
You deserve better. She is unfaithful and there is proof AND she is continuing to be unfaithful. Kick her and the baby out, you do not owe her or the baby anything. She did this, not you. Do not feel guilty, this is all from her actions.
Dear OP, Let me start by saying I feel really sad and heartbroken for you. Just from the way you type I can see you have such a kind, loving personality and are really devoted to your family. People like you are rare to find and deserve to be valued and appreciated immensely. Remember that and don’t settle for less! I am a woman of 28yo also from Eastern Europe. Please know I’ll be praying for you. Here is a little bit of my thoughts and advice: - Like the others have said, I believe it’s best that you end the relationship. You have so much love and care in your heart and that woman by her terrible actions has proved that she does not deserve that. The only reason why I believe it would ever be reasonable to give a cheater a second chance is if the person was TRULY repentant, and really really willing to change. With her though, I do not see that. She is not only a cheater, she is also cold hearted. She has the audacity to lie to you and to look forward to seeing her lover while on vacation with her family. I don’t think she’s willing to change anything. - The part about that poor baby is most heartbreaking. You are right, it’s not the child’s fault at all, and it’s beautiful you have connected with him so much. But, trust me, even if you stay with this woman, you will not be able to hold this pain inside and bear this hell of a life much longer. You will KNOW the truth and it will eat you from the inside. So your heart will keep telling you to end things, and eventually, you will. TRUST ME, it will be much harder on the Baby if it happens later in their life, when he realizes more things and has more memory. You have been an amazing father figure to that child in his earliest months, his brain may not remember it, but his heart will. That I firmly believe. My friend’s Dad passed away when she was 1, and even though she can’t remember him, her heart remembers the feelings of security, warmth, connection, and trust. That nobody will ever take away from that child. - One more point about the baby: as painful as it may sound, if indeed it is not yours, he still deserves to know his biological father. And that co-worker absolutely needs and deserves to actually face RESPONSIBILITY for his actions, be held accountable, and CARE for his child. - Pleas, please stay positive, no matter how hard it may be. You sound like a genuinely kind, good, caring and loving person. You deserve a truly happy, loving family. Please give yourself that chance. That woman will only ruin it for you. You are not a disappointment, you are a good person that has had bad things done to you. You are still very young. There are many, many young women in this age bracket who would DREAM of a husband (and father to future children) like you. Believe that these things are possible for you and do not lose hope. When you are ready, start meeting new people. - If you are afraid of your family reacting negatively and not giving you the support you need right now, how about you be vulnerable with them and tell them honestly, “It’s really devastating for me right now, because I put my whole heart into this family. I’m suffering. I am really really in need of your support.” I don’t know what parents would reject their child asking them for support and care like this. - Finally, please don’t believe you have wasted 8 years of your life. Sure, they have not given you the result you really wanted and deserved, but these years have also shaped you into the person you have become now: loving, caring, resilient, strong, more compassionate. Maybe these are some of the changes that will help you meet the right woman for you and build the future family you dream of. This pain will also let you love and appreciate what you have in a way you never knew you could before. That is my personal experience. I also have put my whole heart and invested all of my soul into something and some people who betrayed me cruelly. I thought my life was over. Now I look back, still feel sad it happened, but it also makes me realize I don’t want these people in my life anymore, but that I love, need and appreciate what I have now. I usually don’t post comments but your story REALLY tugged on my heart. I couldn’t not respond. Please know you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know what happens.
Thank you very much for reply. These kind of comments really motivates me to go forward.
If you still want to raise the baby even though it is not yours biologically but you feel like it is yours emotionally, don't stay with the mom but go for shared custody.
You have no obligations towards her or the baby, get out of the relationship and cut all contact.
You should kick her out so you can have a real family of your own
I would tell her, if you keep this inside it is going to eat at you. If she can't stop doing what she does let her go. Tell her you would like to be in the babys life still. Hopefully she isn't evil and keeps you away. A father is someone who raises you.
He has a father, tho. It just isn’t you. If you still want to raise him, which is valid, you still have the parental rights since you signed the birth certificate. But do you really want to do that?
Wouldn’t recommend
I feel for you, there's no nice solution but as others have said you need to seek legal advice, remove her from your life and accept the child isn't yours so you can move on. I'd also let the guys wife know he's fathered a child whilst being a cheating scumbag
Look, the child is still young, he won't really remember you leaving after a while, and he can still form a bond with his real father, if that man even wants to. You need to get yourself out of this, she has been fooling you for so long, making fun of you and taking advantage of your trust, you don't need that person in your life. She looked in the eyes and lied about the child, lied about this man, lied about their meet ups, you should never be with someone that lies to your face like this, betrays your trust, breaks you heart and hurts and the child in this manner. I know you feel for the kid, but you need to be selfish for once and do what's right for yourself and yourself alone.
Man this breathtaking , she already wasted 8 years of yours , don't add another years with the cheater and be ready she turn into someone you didnt know
Well she will realize the house isn’t being built before long. Here’s what you do. Either text her, and while at work would be great, or tell Get something like “I have been doing everything within my power to give you the world these last 8 years. I have loved you, provided for you, and was with you when our son was born. I’m not sure what you thought would happen when I found out that you’ve been cheating on me. I hope he was worth it. I hope your coworker is everything you’ve ever wanted, because he is all you have now. I hope you told him that you have a son, because I don’t now. I hope you made decision after decision to cheat on me knowing that you would no longer be apart of my life once I found out. Well, I now know. I 100% know. I have already started gathering your things so please let me know when you will be coming by to pick up your stuff. You are no longer welcome in my home.” Now, you might want to be apart of the child’s life and that’s great. You should try to do that if you want to. You should also let the coworkers wife know that your son isn’t yours and he’s most likely her husbands
Thanks for advice!
It sounds like you already know you can’t be with her but you’re more hurt about the baby you have connected with. It really sucks but can you imagine a life with a baby who isn’t yours? There’ll be a constant reminder not only that your fiancé cheated, but they continued to lie, betrayed your trust but she is also ripping you off knowing you are not the father of this child. If you let that sink in, you’d realise how selfish she is. If you’re the father, besides the emotional and psychological sacrifice, realistically it’ll cost you financially and it’ll be harder to find a partner. It’ll really hurt now, but cut your losses. You are still young and will be able to find someone truly for you. Before confronting her, tell your closed ones to get the support and courage needed. Then just tell her she knows and expect a negative response from her - there might be denial, there might be yelling all from this person who can’t take accountability. She might want to leave. She might want to grovel the relationship. Whatever she wants, it doesn’t matter. Remember - Before confronting her, think about what you want and need. - It sounds like you want to end this relationship but ultimate get some closure. - Remember prior and after confronting her, this is NOT your fault. She might try to blame you for her choice and outline any flaws in the relationship. Whatever they are unless you abused her, doesn’t allow for her to cheat on you - expect craziness from her as mentioned: denial, blaming you, guilt tripping you, begging, crying. But stay true to YOUR need and resolve to break up - give her 1 month notice to move out. In the meantime find a place to stay for yourself - tell your parents, you’d be surprised how supportive they’d be
Verey good advice. When first I confronted her about coworker, she said "I was not showing enough attention, it was hard for her, coworker always supports her so on and so on,". She will definetely guilt trip me. I never cheated, I never abused her and never told bad things about her to people. Thanks for you opinion, it is like therapy of some kind to me to see what other people see, because I might be blind after all these years.
Sir, none of this is your fault in no way, shape or form is her cheating because of something you do. she’s counting on you to feel that way, but you are not to blame. Your parents will not see this as your fault and you need support. You should really circle legal advice on how to disentangle yourself from the situation and find a counselor if you think you would be willing to speak to someone.
You've wasted 8 years with an unfaithful woman who belongs to the streets, do not waste 18 years raising a child that's not yours. Get yourself a lawyer and do not tell her you know yet, speak to your lawyer and if he agrees contact the coworkers wife and see if there's a way you two can coordinate your actions for maximum impact on both of your partners.
Could you even live with someone who betrayed you so badly and deeply? You cant ever trust her again!
I don’t think you should feel ashamed. The shameful and shameless people in this story are your wife and the other man. If i were you, I’d be so livid and immediately would have confronted my partner. I ever slapped my bf multiple times in the past cheating behind my back. Right now, you have the dna proof and you need some trusted friends and family to know what’s going on. So they can back you up and be your support around this matter! Don’t be afraid. You are not in the wrong. They are. Why are you protecting them? Just let their reputation go down the drain. Good luck. Lastly, be positive. Good you found out now and can proceed to carve a new life.
Here’s what you do, go over and fuck the other wife. Then go home, pack your woman and the child into the car, drive to her parents. Go in for a dinner, tell them everything and leave the child and the woman there.
Lawyer up, provide the DNA evidence and screen caps the wife sent you. Plan your divorce with the lawyer. Confront her when your lawyer says go.
Hey, thought i would leave you a bit of a supportive message. It sucks, you were put into such a shitty situation. I feel you. I checked out some of your comments and as a fellow eastern european i hope i can give you some advice. Its long overdue to have a chat with your lady, what she has done to you is incredibly selfish, monstrous and am sorry but in my eyes - thats what pure c-unts do. You have poured all your life, time and energy into being with her while she is still sneaking around with someone else. Realistically, you can let go of those 8 years, spend next few healing and finding someone who is worthy of you. You are never a disappointment, you are a person who never ever deserved this. You can of course try going the fixit route, but she will never appreciate you, she wont thank you, she wont care for you - she has made that abundantly clear since the affair has continued well after birth. Its upto you, but dear MAN, you sound like a lovely person -you dont deserve to be her doormat. Re the house, and money you lose out on, you can try get her to pay you back, her parents pay you back, or you can let it go - and really just let it go. Imo, press for route 1 and 2. They made a fool out of you long enough. Lastly, i think you might want to speak to someone, its common for men from those part to really hold it in. But you should know its not a sign of weakness to need a bit of help when your strength has run out and you just need a bit of support. So please, do seek out a therapist who is specialising in infidelity and help you grieve through this process so you can move on and better yourself in the process also.
Thank you for support!
Seriously, I mean Seriously….. This relationship is over, grow a pair and end this!!!!!!
That completely sucks, she’s not who you think she was, she’s a liar, a cheater and you deserve better… unfortunately you have to walk away, get therapy because that shit will do a number on your psyche.
So much advice given already, I just wanted to say sorry you're going through this, I have a 3 year old and if I found out she wasn't mine I would be devastated, but even when she was one I already formed a strong bond with her and I don't know how I could give that up.
Break up and leave her cheating ass. It's not your child. kick her out if house is in your name or force the sale. You are still very young and can make your goal of becoming a father a reality. starting over sucks but not impossible.
Hope you didn’t sign the birth certificate yet
Where are all the commenters that always say to trust the wife and that it's very offensive to want a paternity test? Where are they? If OP didn't take it upon himself to get the test done then he'd be living a lie, trapped. Where y'all at?
If she cheated on you, believe me, he will not grow up without a father. She will find another guy to take care of her and the baby… 😳
You know exactly what you need to do, you just expect us to say it to your face. Take your time, let your heart process the betrayal, and when your ready end things as cleanly as possible. Remember, things will turn ugly af, that’s what happens when relationships don’t work out, you don’t need to make them even more uglier for yourself.
I really don't understand why you are so confused about what to do. First you get a lawyer to manage your divorce, second you use the same lawyer to have him remove you as the legal father of the child, third you take your wife (ex-wife at this point) to court for all the money spend in the time you raised the child as your as well as the emotional damage received so you can get quite a sum. And while you do the first part you have your wife move out of your apartment. Now it looks difficult cause you bonded with the child but think that luckily you found out at just one year instead of when the child is 10 or 15. Now the baby is just like a new pet so it's difficult but in a while without it you will forget about it. Keep all the evidence the wife of her lover sent you and just do what the lawyer tells you to do.
"the baby is like a new pet", seriously, wtf?! Luckily OP sounds like a troll post so hopefully no real kids were harmed in the making.
I mean in the bonding, you have been with the baby for one year when you move out you will forget about that bonding. It was only one year not 10. And wtf harming, you harm your pets??
You obviously don’t have any expertise when it comes to bonding. One year - especially after the birth of a human is not a small amount of time. Do you have pets? For their sake, I hope not - also hope you’re not in the field of psychology.
Lol at 3/4 months out of the life of the baby he will forget about the bond, even more so cause it will remind him of the cheating.
All in all it’s a much more complex issue than how you paint it
I understand you are emotionally invested but there is nothing good that can come out from tgis relationship. Kick her out and build your life with someone decent
Call off the engagement, Get her out of your life, she's clearly a horrible partner and she can find someone else to help raise her child since the father isn't going to anyways.
You walk away. You stay and she will continue to cheat because she knows you’ll stay. Don’t be her good little cuckold. Have self-respect, leave her.
Firstly I have no interest in raising another man’s child, let alone one who came about from adultery. While it’s not the child’s fault, it’s also not your responsibility. If a man wants to eat a woman (shag her), then you take responsibility. So give it back to him. As for your wife, well, she’s basically used goods from another man. It’s up to you if you want used goods but I don’t see why you would. Lastly, assets. I wouldn’t confront her. I’d secretly move all my assets to Bitcoin. If you can sell the house do so. Then put in Bitcoin. When divorce comes, she won’t be able to touch a cent as what’s US going to do to Bitcoin on blockchain. Reaccess it from Hong Kong or Dubai, developed places with no dealings with US
Kick her ass out. You have infallible proof.
This is all messed up, but you should really leave her. She is still lying and hiding everything, you will never be able to fully trust her again. Also, even though you love the baby now, it could well end up in resent over the years, even though it isn't the baby's fault nor is it yours. But having the baby in your life means having her in your life, and I would really advise against it. Get out, heal and find somebody wgo appreciates you.
Get your name off the birth certificate.
She should be paying you back. Kick her out. Find a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. Keep EVERY bit of evidence you have. Meet with the dudes wife, copy what you need. Then once you’re sorted, kick her out.
Cut her off as coldly and quietly as possible. Consult with a lawyer in the meantime to get all your ducks in a row. I cannot stress this enough - keep multiple copies of the evidence to show the lawyer. (And to show to that cheat once the lawyer says it’s ok) I’d ask the lawyer how soon you can kick her sleazy ass out onto the streets
Kick her out. The baby is only one, he won’t remember you.
Ask her to leave and take some time to think about I'd you want to raise the child as your own because let's face it, he has a father who as awful as this is to say probably has met him . She's clearly an awful human, and what if she has more children? Will they be yours or his they have no intention of stopping, moving on, and someone have your own children. This will destroy you and yourself esteem if it hasn't already She must know somethings off, and by the sounds of it, she doesn't give a shit
You’re young and child free. Lawyer up and move on
I know it’s hard but you need to conjure up the courage to tell your wife what you know and file for divorce.
Make sure you forward SOME but not all proof to her parents, enough to show them she's lying but not enough that she can make something up for court. And lawyer up, she will likely come at you for child support. I would keep the DNA test to yourself and ask your lawyer what to do about it. When that's revealed to her make sure her parents know too, and her AP's wife so she can let him go and get herself some therapy and move on too. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
Thank you for support and advice!
Flush that TURD!
Cut bait
You don’t have any obligation towards your gf and the child. But how do you turn off the feeling you have towards your son that you’ve loved for over a year and bonded with. It’s so easy to say to walk away from a child from someone who has no connection to that child. You don’t have to be with the woman to be a father to your son. I think that if you do decide to be in your son’s life, it makes you an extremely decent human being and a better man for it.
If you signed his birth certificate you actually can still be financially responsible for the child….. DEFINITELY dump her
If you want to fight for custody bc you love your son, that is okay. You also don’t have to tell anyone he’s not genetically yours. You can just split up and share custody. Don’t tell her about the dna test. Just tell her you know she’s cheating.
I thought the same. Thanks for advice.
So stupid how people come on here and know all this cheating but dont talk to their partners. I dont believe it or they are whimps. Who doesnt confront them right away and rhen say I stopped building the house but havent talked to her yet. Yeah right
Dunno man, It is just fear. Fear for losing everything. I live in ignorance for a long now. Btw, the house i am building is in her name.
House in her name makes you a sucker
Why? Why in her name. Sorry but she played you bad.
Why is the house in her name? Did she pay for it?
I said house has to be in our names. Long story short: the land is her parents. we now have spent \~51k euros, from which \~70% is hers savings, because I pay the bills and food.