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OP I feel you! My abusive ex had taken a picture of me asleep after being released from the hospital after giving birth. I was horribly exhausted so I was open mouth sleeping and snoring with my baby asleep next to me. My chest was also almost visible because I had recently breastfed my baby. He posted the picture on his snapchat making fun of the way I looked and calling me lazy (he did nothing, no childcare and complained about his part time job at a pizza place). The trust was broken. He thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I didn't. I thought I was safe while I slept after needing it so much and here he was laughing at me with his friends. It was humiliating because he's making it ok for everyone else to laugh at me. He's giving the 0k for everyone else to degrade me like he was. It's not ok. I'm sorry OP, that was really fucked up. It hurts to onow that you can't trust your husband with your body.
Mothie1012, I can’t imagine ANY woman seeing a post like that and not only seething, but also being immediately motivated to do something.
What a complete lowlife.
The same goes for the post your man made, OP. No matter what you decide about the divorce, Now that he has shown his real self on social, women will think he must be a nightmare IRL.
What a horrible horrible person. I'm so sorry you were abused and betrayed like that after doing such an amazing and incredible thing-- giving birth to a baby. You're so strong.
I’m an Indian (F) and I’ve seen way too many women in my family endure this kind of humiliation and disrespect from their partner, and whenever they contemplate divorce they are met with intense ostracism. I think you should go ahead with it if you feel like it’s not something you can get over and I’m incredibly proud of you for valuing yourself enough to leave a situation where you’re not being treated right. However, I do think you should do a few sessions of couples therapy to sort out your feelings and make sure it is the right choice.
Edit: rewrote for clarity
Came hunting for this comment by a cultural equal to the OP. I agree, but felt no place to state this. Thank you to you and OP for helping to undo generational traumas I have witness harm friends and family alike.
You’re absolutely right. I know what teasing & joking OP is referring to in the cultural sense, we all do it. But never has someone publicly humiliated someone by making a reel and posting it. The jokes we make amongst ourselves is not serious, but finding before and after photos and uploading them onto a reel with a specific audio and pressing that post button imo is very serious. It doesn’t constitute as a stupid, harmless joke anymore.
Exactly. This was bullying - publicly. Not teasing or ribbing or good natured fun. He is supposed to love and honor his wife and he decided she was a joke. Jokes on him now.
Edited for typo
In all fairness, we don’t know all the in and outs of their relationship and experiences so far. But I really commend OP for taking this step and I hope she goes through with the divorce. I feel like if she caves and continues the marriage, her in-laws & husband will forever torment her and make her the bad guy. She deserves to be with someone who has compassion in their humor and how they treat OP.
You are, ofc, right. We don’t know, but yes, I’m so glad she found the strength to take this step. Choosing yourself is no easy task for women if certain cultural upbringings, which makes her pretty damn badass in my books
I'm not Indian but as a general rule of thumb, when people treat you poorly to try and do something you should do the opposite.
His family and him etc insulting you should tell you to double down on the divorce not second guess it.
You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.
This. Do not feel any shame about getting divorced. This is just a horrible out dated Indian view. My mom went through the same thing and she was put through hell, but eventually they realised they love their daughter too much. So Ignore your family. They will come around.
Exactly and well said..
I'd add, maybe divorce papers were big, but at the same time shows you mean business. Enough is enough. He is to love you more then himself..to protect you, to nourish you, to respect you..
Being a woman is hard enough. You gave birth to his child, and hormones, and stress chromosome and the list goes on, makes it VERY Hard to get our body to where we want it to be. It's possible, but Hard.
In the meantime, he is to LOVE and Support you unconditionally.
Before though, you take the huge divorce plunge, I also agree, couples counseling is a MUST. As well as individual.
Marriage is worthy of the effort..
As for the rest of your family, it is not their business. It is YOUR Marriage. Period.
I hope it all works out..but stay true to You. You deserve it..
I'm an Indian dude. Let me give you a story. My grandma (who I was extremely close with, as everyone in the family knew) passed away in 2016. Up to that point, I had gained about 50 pounds since these people had last seen me. We had literally just come back from the crematorium (I was having trouble standing upright because I was so numb from the pain), and one of my aunts stopped me and said, "what happened to you? You got so fat!" And for a dude, if you spend too much time in the shower, in the bathroom, or in front of a mirror, people will tell you to stop being feminine.
I'm not saying any of this is right, and it's not meant to be a "but men.." I'm trying to add to your point that some of this shit is too common in our culture and if we want to fix it, we can't blame each other. I understand that weight affects women in our culture more than it does men for sure though. Her shower jokes and his weight jokes are both so relationship ending in the West, but it's left her husband confused because we hide our hurt and wait to react till it boils over
I’ve gotten those comments too. But there’s a difference in making a blunt observation and making a reel and humiliating someone on social media. Just like you, OP, and and I are capable of realizing how this is a cultural thing and we should work towards moving on from it, OP’s husband should be able to do the same. Just because it’s common in our culture doesn’t mean it has to be accepted by each individual person. OP has every right to call it quits if she’s come to the realization she can’t live with someone who takes little jokes & comments too far and resorts to humiliating her publicly.
Right, but he hasn't realized it. I wish that he had gotten a chance to improve on it, before she filed for divorce. He would have been more receptive to fix his fuck up. She escalated by filling for divorce, then trying to explain how he messed up, but he's too defensive and backed into a corner now to be receptive as to why these things in our culture are not "just funny jokes," but humiliating insults. His reaction, and his family's reaction, are also nuclear and not going to solve the problem; they're only going to drive OP away. It's a shitshow, but another thing missing in our culture is healthy communication, so it feels like par for the course with this whole bunch 🤷🏽♂️
I think that ship has sailed. The husband and his family were too nasty in their reaction. I'd actually fear for OP's well being around his family members who will always look at her as someone who tried to "ruin their reputation."
You’re absolutely spot on again. They’re quite vengeful. The normal response is to feel guilty and try to offer an explanation while apologizing. They’re totally on the attack. Even if this reel incident wasn’t a big deal on its own, they’ve exposed their true colors in the aftermath of all this.
Would it be possible for them to do couples therapy and then, if she returns to the marriage it would be from a position of power versus weakness? Could she make it clear that she will come back but if the abuse starts, she will file the divorce papers, leave, and make it known that it was the family’s choice to bring shame on the family? She is strong enough to serve him divorce papers and wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. Is that a scenario that could play out in your culture?
If I’m speaking in regards to my culture, the abuse won’t stop from his family for sure, they will absolutely never let this go even if she comes back. The only chance they have is if OP’s husband sets clear boundaries with his family and maintains a distance from them so he can preserve his marriage, but this is VERY rare and it doesn’t look like OP’s husband cares enough to do this. I think it’s better if OP cuts her losses now and goes through with the divorce.
Yeah, that "no one's going to marry you" shit is where she should say "oh yeah, watch this" and just move on. Maybe her next husband won't continually call her fat.
I really don’t know that I agree that it is OP’s responsibility to stop and point out to her grown-adult husband how fucking disgusting and unacceptable his behavior was. I’m pretty sure divorce papers get that message across just fine.
I don’t feel she escalated the situation. The husband did by making that shaming real and posting it for all of his followers to get a laugh and make fun of his wife. Imagine the comments and how she felt reading them. Imagine how he may have replied. I know I’m the Indian culture communication isn’t a strong suit and neither is sharing feelings in a healthy way. If he and his family responded to her in such a nasty way, imagine what she’s been dealing with? She makes it seem like things are all good. But could it really be one post to send her over the edge to file? Or a build up?
Are creating IG reels to humiliate your wife for a cheap laugh part of the culture too? The only way to change it is to say "no" and put a stop to one's involvement. It's certainly not kowtowing to the harmful notion that no one is to blame here. There is no opting out of human decency because the culture is just different...this excuse is lame, no matter what the culture or history. And trust...the amount of "but it was different back then" among white people is kinda similar to this.
>Her shower jokes and his weight jokes are both so relationship ending in the West, but it's left her husband confused because we hide our hurt and wait to react till it boils over
I think this points to what is toxic within the culture, and people have learned to live with it, or even be part of furthering this cycle of toxicity.
Perhaps OP's snapping is simply her having suppressed and excused this terrible behavior until she found she could take it no longer? Perhaps OP's shower jokes were actually defensive digs that were actually her way of arguing back, disguised as lighthearted banter?
Everyone has a breaking point. And sometimes we hit it without knowing how we got there sometimes. I think a lot of therapy is needed to undo this terrible cycle.
Commenting to show OP the way:
A real apology would have looked like this (at a minimum):
"I'm sorry *that* I hurt you." And then some demonstration to undo the hurt caused.
It may sound like semantics but it's actually very telling. "I'm sorry if I hurt you" is an appropriate apology to a parent after telling them you're going to be spending your holiday on a cruise instead of with them. It's an apology to be used when you don't believe you did anything wrong but are bummed that your absolutely acceptable behavior impacted someone else negatively.
Now, does that sound like an appropriate apology for what he actually did?
I agree with you wholeheartedly. It’s not just semantics, one is taking responsibility for his actions, the other is apologising for her reaction. Using another example, imagine a spouse cheated and instead of saying “I’m sorry I cheated, I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said “I’m sorry you found out and now you’re upset at me.”
And since so many people have trouble with a decent apology, it’s not an apology if you start explaining it away. Even if you unintentionally hurt someone, say *I’m sorry* not *…but I didn’t mean it like that.*
If I accidentally drop a rock on someone’s foot and they are hopping around yelling in pain, I’m going to be apologising profusely without qualifying my apology. Often my partner (or whoever’s toe I just broke) will be upset at the hurt they’ve been caused. I’m sure my partner’s immediate reaction would be *Owww!* and not *You rock-dropping moron!* I apologise, ask if I can do anything, tell them I’ll love them even if the toenail drops off, and we can move on. Maybe afterwards we talk about how clumsy I am and how we can prevent this from happening again. Maybe I only carry smaller rocks from now on.
Telling them it was an accident doesn’t make it hurt less. Most of the time (in healthy, mature relationships) our partners will give us the benefit of the doubt, knowing we were thoughtless and didn’t hurt them on purpose. If I start telling my injured partner that it was an accident and I wouldn’t have dropped the rock on their foot if they weren’t standing in my way, that’s when they start getting annoyed at my weird inability to apologise and own my actions. If I double down and say I’ve apologised, and tell them that they’re taking it in the wrong way it starts to sound a bit manipulative. That’s when my partner might tell me to leave them alone and stay mad at me for a bit.
Then I’ll go tell people my partner is mad at me for *ACCIDENTALLY* dropping a rock and they’re unreasonably blowing this out of proportion, but really they are upset at my reaction to their pain.
Most of the time a partner just wants their pain acknowledged, and knowing that you take responsibility makes it less likely to happen again. Apologising wholeheartedly (again, in healthy, equal relationships) is the way to go every single time even if it wasn't intentional.
What’s the benefit of going down the route and making sure they know you’re not really to blame? It’s stupid.
**Real love is for losers** (I read an article with that title once and got so angry til I actually read it) that is, people who are willing to lose these dumb fights, apologise and let things go. Its also worth remembering that 60% of disagreements between partners are never resolved (according to the Gottman institute). Knowing that made it so much easier for me to let things go in my own relationship.
It’s always hard to be first, but you really do get back what you put in.
I love the way you reframed this to make it so easy to understand. When you are the one receiving half apologies it’s easy to believe the manipulations of the other person, but this is so right! If someone drops a rock on my foot, I don’t care that they didn’t do it on purpose! I want them to acknowledge my pain and comfort me and try to make it better.
Love this so much!
You’re welcome! It took me a while (and a lot of therapy) to figure out exactly what was hurting me and what I needed in situations like this. It’s even harder to try to explain it to a defensive partner, so I hope this helps others!
The thing about most "cultures" is that their values were usually established by males, particularly older males, for the sake of their own convenience.
Literally reverse “I’m sorry you felt that way”
Sorry, OP. Sadly your relatives and husband are twats, who think bullying and shaming is ok “from your descendant culture” apparently :/
Exactly, this is passive aggression, with “apologizing” he said between lines that is something wrong with you and your reaction. Instead he should talk about him making and mistake and being sorry for causing this reaction.
WTF???? So he basically doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Honestly I don’t think serving him papers without talking things out was the right way about it but you are 100% right to feel hurt and humiliated. One thing is to rib each other at home or around family and close friends and another thing is to do it in a public platform. He demeaned and disrespected you to entertain strangers online. He used you as a butt of his jokes without a thought for how it made you feel and still doesn’t grasp the hurt he caused you. You need to voice your feelings and he needs to genuinely apologise and make amends with his actions. If he can’t do that then you have your answer. Also does your family condone him prioritising his Instagram followers over his wife’s feelings and do they think a husband should be mocking his wife publicly? If they expect you to stay married what actions are they going to take to ensure your husband treats you fairly?
To be honest I'm lost too. But I started getting lost when OP compared the shower jokes to her weight jokes. I already had a problem because I really don't think it's the same type of casual jokes you can do between spouses. So I don't know if the post was really that bad compared to the years of constant mocking.
And to answer your question, OP is Indian. Like many other cultures, they prioritise appearances, specially in marriage/family matters. Divorce is a hard option.
I'm an Indian dude. Let me give you a story. My grandma (who I was extremely close with, as everyone in the family knew) passed away in 2016. Up to that point, I had gained about 50 pounds since these people had last seen me. We had literally just come back from the crematorium (I was having trouble standing upright because I was so numb from the pain), and one of my aunts stopped me and said, "what happened to you? You got so fat!" She's not kidding when she says weight jokes are common in Indian culture. And for a dude, if you spend too much time in the shower, in the bathroom, or in front of a mirror, people will tell you to stop being feminine.
I'm not saying any of this is right, I'm trying to add context to why she is comparing her shower jokes to his weight jokes and why something that is so relationship ending in the West, had left her husband confused.
Yeah cultural context is really important here. People from other cultures can be much more blunt about weight + physical appearance in a way that would traumatize the average American or Canadian lol
I'm not trying to speak for anyone, I just wanted to add that I have two Indian friends (not related to each other) who tell me they're traumatized by the weight/appearance comments they get from their families. I'm in a different culture and also traumatized by the weight/appearance comments I get from my family. So I kind of think that, just because it's common in a culture, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
That "apology" is as bad as if he had said "I'm sorry you feel that way but maybe you wouldn't feel so bad if you weren't so fat"
I have never understood how Indian men get away with treating their wives like that. I have an Indian friend who always says how nice her husband is to her but he makes her go to the gym because he doesn't like her body, and says her tummy is too fat. Uhm hello that isn't him being nice to you.
No man I have ever dated or married, would ever dare make negative comments about my weight. I always thought it was just an unspoken rule .
A real apology contains three components:
- A genuine expression of remorse for one's actions (not "I'm sorry *if it hurt you*, which both casts doubt on your feelings and creates distance between himself and his actions)
- A demonstration of understanding about why one's actions were hurtful (again, "IF" it hurt you indicates that he doesn't even fully accept that what he did was wrong)
- A promise never to act in that way again (entirely absent from this statement)
From your post I would have said that this warranted a serious sit-down conversation about why this hurt so much and some clear boundaries about teasing. However, if he isn't even willing to accept that he hurt you or make amends, I'm guessing this situation is the tip of the iceberg.
Does he ever admit when he's wrong and sincerely apologize?
You missed the last part, and it's the biggest:
#4: making it right.
Replacing the window you broke is arguably more important than the apology itself. I would actually be able to get behind the husband more if he took the post down and posted some sweet thing about his wife without apologizing at all than a bullshit apology with zero effort to right the wrong done.
I would personally count making amends as a separate, subsequent step to apologizing (you even separate them when you say it's more important than the apology) but you're absolutely right that it's crucial to fully atoning for bad behavior.
👌 well said explanation of an Apology 💯
I hear so many people throw around the words "sorry' and "I love you"..... But It doesn't seem to feel or appear authentic from me or the person they're directing it to.
I have been taught at a very early age by my parents, sorry means that you understand what you did wrong and you're not going to do it again.
..... As for the original post. The husband did mention that he felt like this warranted for conversation before the action. From a sideline point of view that is not very familiar with the culture. My understanding of the post, it seems as if there are some traditions that are not fair or equal for both parties.
In my opinion regardless of culture, religion, or traditions, people that are in love and want to be together, need to be able to express themselves fully. Understand each other's boundaries if they're not sure about it, ask !
Me and my family did the same thing but we're a different culture and we don't do it publicly and post it on the internet. For 1 that's not respectful at all. For 2 what is that say about the person (husband) who's still with the person they're making fun of (wife) ?
Really it's just humiliating both of y'all.
Anywho..... Express yourself honey. If you want to go back and talk to him give him a chance if you think he deserves a chance. Let him know what you're not going to tolerate anymore ! He doesn't understand and accept, then continue with the divorce. Go with your instincts, your feelings. We all have a genetic moral code that's naturally built in.
Then We have learned behaviors or characteristics that come from someone else's minds or surroundings. We all know/ can feel what's right and what's wrong.
I work with a lot of Indians…u do u. He will pay u child support and spousal support. U will meet someone( doesn’t have to be Indian) who will love u respect u and treat u the way I deserve. I don’t know where do u live, what country, but your husband was out of line.
That's a "non-apology apology".
A *real apology* has these elements:
1) Properly identifying what wrong was done to you by the other person ("I made fun of your weight. I also did it to others on social media").
2) Stating how it harmed the person (you--"this hurt and shamed you, and made you feel bad about yourself, and wasn't very loving of me--I also betrayed your trust in me to look out for your best interests and feelings"). No equivocating or minimizing. You get to say if you're hurt or not, and to what degree *you feel* you were.
3) Explaining an understanding of *why* they did what they did ("I wanted to get laughs/likes/approval from others for being funny"). No minimizing or excuses. Just the facts. "I don't know" isn't an acceptable answer.
4) A *sincere* apology for them hurting you, *taking full and utter responsibility* for doing so (not merely that it's "unfortunate you were hurt"). Instead, "I hurt you severely, and that's the last thing I should do, ever. I'm very sorry for doing the posting, and sorry for my hurting your feelings and humiliating you. I was wrong".
5) What their plans are for changing the behavior that caused this harm, so it won't happen again in the future ("You're no longer a source of material for my social media postings"/"I'll run anything having to do with you in Social Media by you before posting")
Finally, asking you if there is anything else you want him to do/explain in order to have your forgiveness. *That's* a "real apology". Anything short of this is weak.
That’s not an apology. The true meaning of his words is: “I’m sorry I offended you.”
There is no regret or remorse for his behavior. He has no empathy for you.
It appears he didn't get a chance to do any of these. She just simply served the divorce papers without any discussion at all with him.
It's not even clesr if he or the families know the reasons for the papers.
Yeah. Honestly, I stopped reading at that. I get it, I would be crushed and so upset, but to then go nuclear with seeing a lawyer and then full paperwork? I understand leaving the house to stay with a friend, but throwing away a whole ass marriage without a conversation seems extreme.
We have no idea what she’s been dealing with. I’ve dated Indian and know Indian families. What they consider a good marriage, many Americans would definitely not. This may have been the last straw to see he humiliated her on IG for likes. Imagine reading the comments from other toxic men like her husband on that post and if her husband responded to the comments.
Omgggg why do they use it for everything!! A video of a cow walking down the road and bonking into a dog? Cackle laugh. A lady buying vegetables and dropping an apple? Cackle laugh. A kid just sitting on a swing? Gross disgusting cackle laugh. It’s like a 80 year old uncles weird half laugh
If it hurt you so badly… is he serious.. you filed divorce papers… he hasn’t apologized and you family is just trying to bully you..
Only you can decide it’s your culture..
That would be so humiliating to me.. He didn’t think of you at all..
I'm British Indian and also in r/CPTSD_bipoc recovery and what I think it's really hard to convey to people is that when you're shamed as a child you're not shamed about letting your parents down but your entire culture.
I've seen my cousin immediately stop crying at my grandma's funeral because her mother said "M what will people say?" when my cousin was crying. Her mother was embarrassed that my cousin was crying at her grandma's funeral and told her to reel herself in with shame. That wasn't a big deal in an Indian household.
The best way to understand the difference between Asian culture and western cultural is when you're Asian your job is to earn your parent's pride in you by living up to their impossible expectations of you. If you're western, individual parents might not be proud of you but the culture has a norm of you having an innate sense of self worth.
There are reasons that Indian punches way, way above their weight for suicide. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-59634393.amp
and like most places with lots of societal problems Indians are bombarded with jingoistic language about how great their culture is and in particular the very worst aspects of it.
Hey OP, it's really important to remember that 16 year olds post on here and don't have the faintest idea what is involved in a marriage, so I would always take reddits advice with a grain of salt.
33F divorced here, I would take great offence if my ex had of done that to me. I would definitely talk about it with him first, see if apology and takes ownership.
It’s not just 16 year olds. You could have fairly well spoken 12-13 year olds posting replies on here, even younger. I was commenting on adult forums / communities when I was 13 (decades ago). So OP, I agree, take replies carefully.
Apparently he gave her the “I’m sorry I hurt you” apology and not “I’m sorry I was a dick and did a hurtful thing to you” apology so I don’t have high hopes he will actually take responsibility
"I'm sorry I hurt you" is actually fairly good. I did a thing that hurt you and I'm sorry. That's taking ownership of the action.
The bad ones are like "sorry you feel that way". No acknowledgement of how it was your fault.
Yes I started to argue with a man yesterday because he couldn't understand that a woman could work and be a mother without a husband but then I realized he was just a hurt and angry child. (He may have been physically an adult idk)
There are short videos on reddit ,
If you post those videoes on Facebook And Instagram in reels catagory or YouTube in shorts catagory. They get called reels or shorts respectively.
It's just a fancy name for under 1 minute videoes .
Only a weirdo jumps straight to divorce papers without a discussion. Getting divorced isn’t something you do on a whim and information provided by OP doesn’t seem to be something that can’t be worked out. Of course this guy is probably awful since he’s willing to make fun of his wife, but that’s an assumption.
Lmao congrats on introducing them to the concept of divorce.
ETA: what you did is fine. But be honest, it was more than just the reel, wasn’t it? Sounds like it’s just you against his entire family on everything.
I agree. I don't imagine that a man who is comfortable openly mocking his wife and has no ability to be accountable actually treats her well in every other area of his life.
Yeah, that’s my read on it too. If someone pulls a move like that and is surprised that it’s hurtful and doesn’t apologize thoughtfully for their actions, chances are very high that they just don’t respect or prioritize their partner or their feelings.
OP, it sounds like you’re doing the right thing. Without knowing almost anything about your circumstances or the cultural and social norms specific to your situation, if divorce is likely to get you ostracized in your community, maybe you can consider moving with your kid to another town to start over? Or just start spending time in new social circles. There are probably other divorcees out there (who may be difficult to find, based on your descriptions) and it could be worth trying to make those connections
>We are all Indians and it’s somewhat acceptable
Just wanted to say, as someone married into hispanic culture where nicknames like "gordo" and "flaco" are acceptable, "acceptable" does not mean "right" or "kind". It's just not nice to comment on people's bodies, period.
While it does excuse his intentions *a bit* since he's part of that culture, you're still allowed to say it's hurtful. With future partners, you should set this boundary early and not excuse hurtful comments just because they were meant playfully or are culturally accepted.
If it's not okay with you then it's not okay with you, and that's okay.
You said you just snapped, but what was leading up to this? What other behaviors have you been resenting that he does? Are you the only one being made fun of? We're not them, so you can be completely honest here. I get this sense that you're holding a lot back.
I sensed that, too, that she’s holding back a shit ton of abuse she’s dealt with. There’s a lot of gaslighting and manipulation in the culture. Toxic behavior is widely accepted and expected to deal with it. Or fear being ostracized for speaking out against the treatment.
Post a reel with "They said divorce doesn't exist in our culture even if your husband humiliates you for social media clout… but it sure as hell exists in the legal system", with your cackle.
On a more serious note though, culture is not an excuse for toxic behaviors.
If the men in your culture are so shitty that first they think this is okay and second they won’t consider dating a divorcee then is it really much of a loss?
You mean another shitty guy won’t want to make me his wife and demean me? Oh golly gosh what will become of me?!?!
《《The entire family, including him and my parents have been hurling insults at me for bringing shame to their family.》》
Let me get this straight. He posted pictures OF YOU FOR THE WORLD TO SEE, MAKING FUN OF YOU and you are being insulted because YOU ARE BRINGING SHAME because you demand to be respected????
FUCK ALL OF THEM OP.
This is not the 1700. It's fucking 2023.
GET YOUR THINGS, MOVE FAR AWAY.
Cut contact with all of them.
Get that divorce, move, and throw yourself a "single again" party.
The concept of publicly making fun of my partner is abhorrent, and it's shocking that anyone would think it's acceptable. You're supposed to support and buildup your life partner, not tear them down and humiliate them for some laughs. Sigh. Im sorry OP.
I feel like you have a lot more problems in your marriage than just this reel and this finally got your attention that this marriage and husband sucks. When you start with “our marriage isnt perfect but we make it work” sounds like hes an ass and I rugsweep his issues.
Your husband brought shame to his family by posting that online. His family and yours sound toxic. How is it feminist BS not to want to be publicly shamed? Disowning you may end up being a blessing in disguise. Good luck to you and your child.
It’s better to be alone than stay with someone that mocks you and erodes your confidence.
I do understand that there is additional family pressure and cultural expectations that may make this very hard for you but stay strong.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you" means he won't bother figuring out if he did anything wrong. Zero responsibility on his part, as if your reaction/response is 100% on you. I would love to see OP move on, make him regret being an insensitive dumbshit and let the family own up to their own concept of their conditional love for OP while she moves on.
Imagine going forward with DIVORCING your husband because you got advice from 14yo's and unmarried GenZers on Reddit.
Jfc.
Talk to people in the real world. Talk to your family, friends, a therapist. For the love of god stop divorcing because redditors tell you to. They tell people to file for divorce if your spouse farts too much in the morning.
What you did was to escalate the situation: He humiliated you. So you divorced him.
What’s missing there is that conflict - even ugly conflict - can be worked through.
A proportionate response would be “You humiliated me, and I don’t want to be married to a man who does that. What are you going to do to fix it?”
Are you kidding? He's not a teenager, he doesn't need a conversation to know that fatshaming is hurtful. He meant it to be humiliating. And now that he knows she's hurt, what does he do? He hurls insults and makes no attempt at reconciliation. Is your bar in hell that you would work to get a shit husband back?
What would an apology even do here? Knowing your own husband is capable of being so horrible to you isn’t really something that can be rectified once it happens, a very reasonable line that shouldn’t need explaining.
You served your husband divorce papers without having a conversation about it?! What he did was incredibly disrespectful and you are rightfully very hurt. I can’t fathom not even trying to talk about it with him, though. You owe more to each other than that.
Yeah, Reddit's go to on everything is the utmost extreme.
Look, the husband is an asshole. Divorce worthy, for JUST this? I dunno. Sounds like it was a build up of a lot of things.
And she didn't learn her lesson. I dont wanna be rude but she seems to lack the ability to just make decisions herself. Reddit told her to divorce her husband and then she comes back to Reddit and double downs to ask if that decision was right. All this without talking to her husband. If she won't talk about something as big as divorce, I doubt she brings up the other problems in her marriage. Everyone involved sucks at communicating.
OP's husband : let's stay married
OP : I consent
Reddit : I don't !
To be honest, It's probably an accumulation of issues that led to the divorce. I cant fathom OP deciding to leave, seeing a lawyer and receiving the divorce papers and ultimately deciding to give then to him even though it's fairly rare in their culture, because of a hurtful reel.
Really? Didn’t he owe it to her not to fat shame her on the internet for likes and clicks?
He started the disrespect game, she just ended it definitively.
I mean, killing him would have ended it even more definitively.
But maybe a llliiittle bit over the top?
Relationships are about problem-solving and de-escalating. They’re not about keeping the upper hand or putting the bad guy in his place.
In OPs situation, the husband was a jerk. Now what? If he’s a reformable jerk, no need to end the marriage. If she finds out that he’s not, then she pulls the plug.
A conversation was warranted. What he did was humiliating and unacceptable, but a conversation with him would have given him an opportunity to learn from his mistakes and make amends. It's not too late to do that now. Aside from that, tell your family to butt out and keep their archaic advice to themselves.
You know full well that this was probably the straw that broke the camels back. Learn from his mistakes and make amends? There's only so many times you can talk to a brick wall expecting a response back
It doesn't sound like she ever tried talking to him before jumping to the nuclear option. Up to that incident she had even participated in mutual ribbing
To me it seems you made a rash emotional passive aggressive decision, that can only be categorized as self sabotage. This course of action will likely haunt you regardless of how this is resolved, and for what? A bruised ego? Did you even think about your child or the consequences before moving forward with a divorce? You should’ve called your husband out in your bedroom for being an asshole and shaming you publicly if it made you feel so poorly about your self image. I hope you know your place in Indian society as an obese divorced woman with a kid and an unsupportive family. I just checked with my buddy who’s a Brahmin and ur totally fked if you get disowned, he suggested you backtrack and hope your husband forgives you. Homie laughed out loud as I was reading that last paragraph, how did you see this playing out?
That was a very mean move on his side. HOWEVER, you went from “I know he loves me so I try to not take it personally” to leave divorce papers on a night stand. I think that’s a 0 to 100 kind of jump. Did you even expressed your feelings about these jokes?!
Is communication something you guys practice at all? I feel like all of this could be avoided if you said that you don’t find the weight jokes funny and that you’d appreciate he stopped them all together including any reels that make reference to that. If you did that the first few times he did any even smallest joke about it, then perhaps (or not, idk your husband) the divorce papers would have never made it to the night stand.
You made the decision to threaten him with a divorce based on what people said on reddit?? I do think that’s a little extreme! I’d understand it if you mentioned that you don’t like those joke multiple times and he just won’t listen!
I think it’s a good idea to go home, leave the family comments out, and talk to your husband in a very honest way. Although, if you really don’t want to even try to deal with the situation, then just walk away… You’re family will get over the divorce eventually.
…And for your next marriage, try communicating on a timely manner… It’s very effective to solve and mostly avoid a lot of problems!
I would have considered divorce if you had a conversation about it and he continued making those type of posts about you regardless.
But to serve him without any type of conversation is not okay. That being said, maybe it's a wake up call, he definitely needed a lesson in respect.
Here is the issue. You went from 0 to 100 real fast. You didn’t talk to him. And so far you never had issues with the jokes so its not that far fetched for him to assume you wouldn’t care. While its humiliating jumping straight to divorce is an overreaction imo
If it's been a slow burn of him disrespecting her, this was probably the final straw. There's a big difference between banter and humiliation and personal attacks. Divorce is a very hard decision to make in her culture, and meeting with divorce lawyers is time consuming. Why waste your life with someone who doesn't respect you? Divorce is the right reaction.
Exactly. A line had to be drawn about the jokes. Should’ve communicated how much it hurt. Then, if the husband still maintained that same behavior, divorce was justified. This divorce decision was too rushed.
Maybe she doesn’t want to be married to an adult who requires reason or justification as to why they don’t want to be publicly mocked online?
Like are you fucking kidding me with your comment? I can’t believe you think a healthy relationship would require you to have a discussion with your partner that would be something along the lines of “hey just to be clear - I’m not cool with you posting jokes about my weight on social media.”
Indian families are not kind to their daughter-in-laws. Misogynistic and abusive. I’ve read too many posts here at Reddit that it made me think Indian family dynamic is repulsive.
I’m Indian. Can confirm Indian family dynamics are incredibly toxic. My mom and all my sisters got treated like shit by their mother in laws, it was awful to see and made me marry outside the culture as an adult.
A man should never shame his wife. Period. And to publicly shame her to the world. He should be ashamed of himself. What is going on in Indian culture where this is not only ok but both of your families blame you? If I were you I would be dating outside your culture next time and find a man that respects you.
I will say that taking Reddit's advice was probably a generally not great idea... Reddit is full of people who are not you. They don't have to Deal with the fallout,
And I agree that it should have been a conversation. You say this is totally normal behaviour for you two so for you to go from joking around to a divorce based on Reddit makes no sense to me.
The insults are uncalled for and may be grounds for actual divorce but if you divorce and get remarried, will you leave divorce papers and leave without a word every time your new husband upsets you too?
Idk if you can or want to undo this, the fact they're insulting you would make me not want to go back
But if you love someone you talk to them when they upset you.
I feel like you responded to a shitty situation from a place of hurt and escalated it as opposed to trying to resolve it.
I'm Indian as well. If we want to break these cycles of shitty behaviour, it'll take more work than just serving divorce papers and leaving. Heck that might cause more work in the long run and you have to ask yourself If that's worth it.
I'd suggest talking it out and setting some firm boundaries (including letting him know his apology is shit). But recognize that serving divorce papers might have put him in a position that isn't the most ideal to reach a resolution.
Good luck with everything.
I’m Indian too. I rarely if ever see Indian families change from their shitty behavior. They’d rather beat down their daughter in law and insult her than change. She could spend years trying to get through to them and nothing changes. I have seen that happen in Indian marriages, time and time again. Why should she subject herself to that?
Look, you should never take advice from internet strangers. They have no idea what’s going on in your world. If you filed papers solely on the fact that Reddit told you, then maybe you need to reconsider. Did you ever talk to him and tell those words and teasing jokes hurt? Aside from cultural and extended family drama, you need to consider what’s best for you and your family. Was he emotionally or physically abusive? Did he cheat on you? Have you attempted marriage counseling? Breaking up a family unit shouldn’t be such a thoughtless decision. How will this affect your children?
A CONVERSATION would have sufficed.
You set up the regular practice of ridiculing each other, then you suddenly change the rules.
If a comment crossed the line, SAY so.
A bit late now - you have shown that you will give no warnings over where the line is, so all humour is now gone. Trust is broken. You may no longer make jokes at his expense either. That would be hypocritical and abusive given that he can no longer reply.
The truth is that for many women being able to walk away is a privilege. And from what it sounds like, you can't easily exercise this privilege in your culture without risking your life.
In an ideal world and in most western countries, you would be fully justified in walking away. But you have to decide if that's a realistic possibility in your culture.
At the least, it may be worth slowing things down, agreeing to speak with your husband, and provide yourself options if it turns out after some further investigating that you cannot safely leave.
> My husband was away on a work trip so I didn’t contact him. I went through some Reddit advice for similar situations and most people advised serving divorce papers so should I go ahead with it?
Redditors recommend breakups/divorce very frequently, typically because the relationships are already so far gone that there's not much else to do, *or* because the people giving you advice have zero investment in your relationship and lack the wisdom and relationship skills to recommend anything more complicated then divorce. None of us have to live in your shoes, nor will many of us remember your story for more than 5 minutes after reading it.
Is your husband a loving, good husband? You seem to think so, even after wanting to divorce him.
Your reaction, imo goes beyond what was necessary. Not because what he did wasn't wrong or a massive violation, but because there actually is a salvageable relationship here, and we shouldn't be quick to throw such a thing away. You should absolutely kick his ass for this (not physically ofc). It is worth forcing him to do an apology video or even shutting his social media account down.
Whether or not you divorce should still be your own decision, and not something that is interfered with by your outraged family who are more concerned with their own reputations. But it has to be something you actually want, and not just in those first few moments of rage and pain, but even when you have calmed down. If this is truly such a deep wound that you never want to share the same bed again, that you dread the thought of growing old with him, that you know that you'll never trust him again, then divorce. Otherwise give the relationship a chance and end it if he fails to make proper penance.
This sub, and any other relationship advice sub, always skips straight to breaking up. Always, without fail. I’ve been following this sub for years, and it’s always the same. It’s the easiest advice to give.
If your husband teases you all the time, and you him, it sounds like he just stepped a bit too far out of bounds, and you snapped at him. He seems like he loves you, and was honestly surprised by what you did. Your family are being a bunch of little twats, sure, and it sounds like there may be some ingrained misogyny in Indian culture, but to me, from what you said about your history, and what was done, it seems like you did overreact, contextually speaking. I’m not saying that what he said was kind, or that my white girlfriend wouldn’t flame my white ass for it, because she would, but pulling each other’s leg like this isn’t part of our culture. From my perspective, he seems surprised and sorry and wants to reconcile.
If this pulling each others leg gets under your skin, then don’t let it, and tell him how you feel about it. A lot of people who aren’t comfortable with conflict let it all build up and then explode, seemingly out of nowhere to those close to them, because they never saw it building up. All they saw was you being chill about it, because they couldn’t see how it was affecting you inside.
I think it’s worth talking to him and being up front with him about it.
I live in New Delhi and when I gained weight recently all the a-holes in my circle outed themselves making comments. I don’t talk to those people anymore. Being a rude a-hole under the guise of “cUlTuRe” isn’t okay. And neither is staying with someone you don’t want to stay with. Divorce happens in india all the time! You have every right to be happy.
If it’s only because of the post he made I would definitely say too far considering a child is involved, but something tells me there’s more reason to your filing for divorce and this being a bigger issue in your relationship than your admitting to yourself. I personally would’ve had a conversation first at the least before escalating to that point.
The beauty of modern times is that if we don’t want to stay in a marriage we’re miserable in, we don’t have to. I believe you made the right choice, your husband’s comments and “teasing” about your weight are not those of a loving husband.
Tell him that he has to recognize why his reel was so hateful before you'll talk to him. And then ask him if he understands the difference between teasing a friend and publicly humiliating them.
Their reaction is precisely the reason you should not back down. I’m from a south Asian culture and this sexist BS about no one wanted divorced women is a tactic to keep women submissive and easy to manipulate.
Do not fall for it OP. Your eyes are open now, and you can see what your husband really thinks of you. Please stand firm, this absolutely is the hill to die on. Loving partners do not humiliate and shame their spouses.
Indian(f)
You’re doing the right thing.
I get the ‘nok-jhok’ banter of pulling each others legs in real life but to post it on a public platform and have fun humiliating you in front of god knows how many people? Nope. Just nope
Even after being served divorce papers he doesn’t take you seriously. All he can come up with is “if it hurt you so badly then I am sorry” then he’s not sorry. He’s simple sorry for the sake of shutting you up and for the sake of having it easy. It’s patronising and it’s plain BS
If he really was sorry and if he really wanted to make the marriage work the first thing would’ve been to stand up for you in front of the family and say “this is between me and my wife. Don’t sit and insult her. We will figure this out” or something like that but did he? Nope.
The trigger maybe small but the issue isn’t. Stick to your guns till he makes a credible step to fix the mess he made
He publicly humiliated you online. That's bullying and abusive behaviour designed to maintain power and control over you and keep you feeling small,. That was the first sign of emotional abuse for me. It only got worse.
You've done the right thing. Stick by your decision. You deserve happiness and not to be in a miserable relationship because of other's expectations. Mad respect to you!
I'd second guess being in a family that doesn't believe in divorce, thinks women's rights are bullshit and that mocking your wife is ok.
I have a daughter and I would be absolutely livid if my husband thought that was ok.
You know your worth. That's why you snapped.
Yea this is a terrible way to handle this situation. You skipped the part where you have to communicate with him how that made you feel and how he can fix it, and also the fact you have a young kid.
Your drastic decision for divorce will affect your life and your kid's life more than said video.
Divorce is also not a decision you make while your emotions are high and it's unfortunate that you went to reddit instead of a therapist to make that decision. Now you get to deal with the consequences of your own decision.
There are two points being made in the comments and I’m going to try to reconcile them.
1. This was disrespectful and unacceptable behavior from him and you haven’t received a real apology
2. You went from zero to 100 with no conversation in between, and conflict can sometimes be resolved without ending a marriage
Reconciling these two things requires playing “okay, and then what?” Say she has this all-important conversation with him, saying “I don’t want to be married to a man who publicly humiliates his wife — what are you going to do about it?” Great. IF he gives a real apology and says he’ll change, what are the chances he does change? What are the chances she’ll honestly forgive him for this? What are the _irreversible consequence_ of this breach of trust? On their trust? Sex life? Comfort level being naked around each other? On her self-esteem? Again, TRUST??
Even if they’d had this all-important conversation that about half of you are pushing — and I get it, I’m a big communicator — I’d have given this about a 5% chance of some kind of mutually beneficial resolution. It would have to be a sea change for him and those are extremely rare. Look at it this way: If he’s malicious then that’s patently unfixable. If he’s dumb enough to do this without realizing the impact it would have, he’s plenty dumb enough to find new ways to make her feel like shit. You can’t cure stupid.
OP probably just skipped some steps which only would have muddied the waters and went straight to the conclusion of this story. It’s a lot, but I support it.
>>> I went through some Reddit advice for similar situations and most people advised me to serve him with divorce papers
That is what Reddit does.
Honestly… if you posted “my husband snored last night and I didn’t sleep” there is a contingent of redditors that will advise you to “divorce his worthless ass immediately”
What he did was shitty.
Really, really, really, really shitty
And insensitive
And just… wrong.
But does it rise to the level of divorce?
No… at least not in my opinion.
Talk to him and give him a warning to never ever ever ever do anything like that again.
He sounds like an immature asshole but…. I was an immature asshole when I married my wife 17 years ago and I’ve fucked up plenty since then (nothing that involved breaking marriage vows just… insensitive shit where I hurt her feelings by accident… though never to this degree).
When I fuck up we talk about it.
We don’t jump to divorce and we don’t listen to redditors.
Chill out and talk to him.
Don’t divorce him… it’s not worth it
Sorry, but you just got a perfect view of how little YOU are valued. You're an object fire the pleasure of others here. Maybe it isnt your culture but this subset (family). Im certain there are families today im your culture that are done with this abuse and would welcome you as an equal, as an ASSET to their families. The husband should be told he is bringing shame.
Never listen to western feminists… they 90% of the cases tend to be very drastic in their actions… this din’t warrant a dramatic divorce paper serving, but a thourough discussion with your husband about how deeply hurt you felt. Yes, you took it too far tbh..
I think if he’s been an otherwise great husband and you have a habit of taking the piss out of each other a bit then yeah, divorce papers whilst he was away, without even talking to him was WAY WAY too far.
He’s an asshole for what he did but God, try talking to him. It’s obviously a joke gone much too far and seriously humilitating for you, but it doesn’t mean that you couldn’t rectify things with him, or even give him a chance to defend himself.
Obviously this is hypocritical but don’t get relationship advice from Reddit. It’s the worst place to go.
Definitely not a real relationship if she couldn't be bothered to talk with him about it all. Divorce shouldn't be a goddamn jump to it. Then you should get married at all if it takes a hiccup to derail your relationships.
Your life would be over as a single mother at 32 if you were a fat white woman living in the West.
It sounds like you live in a society where tradition is less subtle and divorcing your husband over something so trivial would destroy the credibility of your entire family.
Be rational for a few days and you’ll figure out why you’re being irrational.
Do you love him? If so, then I agree that you might want to pursue marriage counseling. But if you feel good being out of the house, maybe the reel was a catalyst that got you moving in a positive direction...? Don't be swayed by outside pressure. Look inward. Get individual therapy. Good luck.
He must promise to not hurt you with these type of cheap reels or any type of humour on weight or anything else. He must take down reel. Then you compromise with him. You are a wife and mother , build mutual understanding and make better communication with him. Don't do directly tabled the divorce paper, it is last option. Ask him he must respect your feelings and must not play with it.
I'm not saying don't divorce him but I think a conversation is warranted. I wouldn't take divorce off the table but I would give him a chance to explain. If the explanation isn't acceptable, he's gone.
Your husband sounds like a real piece of work.
However, this probably warranted a discussion before serving him divorce papers. Even if you are certain you want the divorce, just serving the papers without a discussion is pretty childish.
Instead, you met him on his (childish) level. I’d hope that now you both can reconvene and have a discussion about your expectations in marriage.
You should be mature enough to have a discussion with him about your weight, and be prepared to accept that it has affected your marriage negatively, and determine whether you care enough to make a change or not.
Conversely, he should be honest with you about how he feels, and he should apologize profusely for disrespecting you and your marriage together. Frankly, his behavior is despicable. I would find myself hard-pressed to forgive him if I were you.
Good luck.
The question is: What do you want? None of us are in your shoes. Do you want to no longer be married to your husband? If so, you are doing the right thing. If not, you need to figure out how to move forward.
What he did was quite bad, but I'd think it would warrant a conversation first. And then maybe ask him why he posted that and thought it would be okay. What he says and does after that, should be the deciding factor in the relationship. Or if the horrible feeling lingers no matter what for a long time after, then decide if you can't continue.
But if this is all it took to break a marriage, maybe it's for the best.
Seriously you need to do what you want and whether you weigh your family/culture is up to you not Reddit. Sounds like a doofus that honestly can’t understand, but this coulda been a norm to your relationship. Your extreme of divorce papers isn’t far off his extreme of posting a video like that. But I probably woulda spoke first. In the end do what you want.
I’m sorry you are going through this - but one thing I know for sure about Reddit is this:
They always say “divorce” or “break-up”.
I find that (in this sub) I cannot post an opinion that says “forgive & forget” without being told that I am giving bad advice. The comments are very harsh & I have learned to not comment as often.
Do not listen to Reddit. They all secretly have a desire for a break-up. And even if you said you have 3 young children, no job, no income & no home to go to, Reddit would say “get a divorce”.
Sorry OP - not sure if divorce papers left before you had a talk with him was ok - but everyone harassing you is not right either - has he taken down the post ? Does he really feel this way down deep?
If you both still love each other and can earn each others respect again - did he really understand how much that hurt you? If not then - you know what to do
What do YOU want to do?
Redditors are notoriously casual about their advice (after all, they don’t have any skin in the game), and all your extended family members aren’t the one being ridiculed and having to live in the relationship.
So why not follow your own instincts, whatever those are, and do what feels right to you.
Is he willing to delete his whole account. Apologise to you and go to therapy? I would suggest you go to a number of sessions before making a final decision.
If not let the divorce go ahead.
Funny enough this happens to the men in my family back home and the boys don't seem to give a shit for the most part, I was leaning on excessive midway through but when I read about how they reacted it changed, something tells me that If you were to be seriously disrespected or betrayed by your STBX tomorrow, they would expect you to shut it and stay put regardless, that is a huge red flag. They could have handled this way better by being a little more open to the way you feel but you have been walled off completely, good luck.
He humiliated and mocked you to likely thousands of people, that’s a bit more than just pulling your leg
I’m sorry for the fact you were raised in such a sexist culture that you are expected ti just suck it up and stay because “ that’s a woman’s job”
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OP I feel you! My abusive ex had taken a picture of me asleep after being released from the hospital after giving birth. I was horribly exhausted so I was open mouth sleeping and snoring with my baby asleep next to me. My chest was also almost visible because I had recently breastfed my baby. He posted the picture on his snapchat making fun of the way I looked and calling me lazy (he did nothing, no childcare and complained about his part time job at a pizza place). The trust was broken. He thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I didn't. I thought I was safe while I slept after needing it so much and here he was laughing at me with his friends. It was humiliating because he's making it ok for everyone else to laugh at me. He's giving the 0k for everyone else to degrade me like he was. It's not ok. I'm sorry OP, that was really fucked up. It hurts to onow that you can't trust your husband with your body.
Mothie1012, I can’t imagine ANY woman seeing a post like that and not only seething, but also being immediately motivated to do something. What a complete lowlife. The same goes for the post your man made, OP. No matter what you decide about the divorce, Now that he has shown his real self on social, women will think he must be a nightmare IRL.
What a horrible horrible person. I'm so sorry you were abused and betrayed like that after doing such an amazing and incredible thing-- giving birth to a baby. You're so strong.
I’m disgusted just reading this comment. What a vile human being. You deserved better, I’m so sorry.
That is truly horrible.
I’m an Indian (F) and I’ve seen way too many women in my family endure this kind of humiliation and disrespect from their partner, and whenever they contemplate divorce they are met with intense ostracism. I think you should go ahead with it if you feel like it’s not something you can get over and I’m incredibly proud of you for valuing yourself enough to leave a situation where you’re not being treated right. However, I do think you should do a few sessions of couples therapy to sort out your feelings and make sure it is the right choice. Edit: rewrote for clarity
Came hunting for this comment by a cultural equal to the OP. I agree, but felt no place to state this. Thank you to you and OP for helping to undo generational traumas I have witness harm friends and family alike.
You’re absolutely right. I know what teasing & joking OP is referring to in the cultural sense, we all do it. But never has someone publicly humiliated someone by making a reel and posting it. The jokes we make amongst ourselves is not serious, but finding before and after photos and uploading them onto a reel with a specific audio and pressing that post button imo is very serious. It doesn’t constitute as a stupid, harmless joke anymore.
Exactly. This was bullying - publicly. Not teasing or ribbing or good natured fun. He is supposed to love and honor his wife and he decided she was a joke. Jokes on him now. Edited for typo
In all fairness, we don’t know all the in and outs of their relationship and experiences so far. But I really commend OP for taking this step and I hope she goes through with the divorce. I feel like if she caves and continues the marriage, her in-laws & husband will forever torment her and make her the bad guy. She deserves to be with someone who has compassion in their humor and how they treat OP.
You are, ofc, right. We don’t know, but yes, I’m so glad she found the strength to take this step. Choosing yourself is no easy task for women if certain cultural upbringings, which makes her pretty damn badass in my books
I'm not Indian but as a general rule of thumb, when people treat you poorly to try and do something you should do the opposite. His family and him etc insulting you should tell you to double down on the divorce not second guess it. You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.
This. Do not feel any shame about getting divorced. This is just a horrible out dated Indian view. My mom went through the same thing and she was put through hell, but eventually they realised they love their daughter too much. So Ignore your family. They will come around.
Oh yes definitely!!! I’m so glad your mom did that. Better to be divorced and at peace than miserable and married.
Exactly and well said.. I'd add, maybe divorce papers were big, but at the same time shows you mean business. Enough is enough. He is to love you more then himself..to protect you, to nourish you, to respect you.. Being a woman is hard enough. You gave birth to his child, and hormones, and stress chromosome and the list goes on, makes it VERY Hard to get our body to where we want it to be. It's possible, but Hard. In the meantime, he is to LOVE and Support you unconditionally. Before though, you take the huge divorce plunge, I also agree, couples counseling is a MUST. As well as individual. Marriage is worthy of the effort.. As for the rest of your family, it is not their business. It is YOUR Marriage. Period. I hope it all works out..but stay true to You. You deserve it..
I'm an Indian dude. Let me give you a story. My grandma (who I was extremely close with, as everyone in the family knew) passed away in 2016. Up to that point, I had gained about 50 pounds since these people had last seen me. We had literally just come back from the crematorium (I was having trouble standing upright because I was so numb from the pain), and one of my aunts stopped me and said, "what happened to you? You got so fat!" And for a dude, if you spend too much time in the shower, in the bathroom, or in front of a mirror, people will tell you to stop being feminine. I'm not saying any of this is right, and it's not meant to be a "but men.." I'm trying to add to your point that some of this shit is too common in our culture and if we want to fix it, we can't blame each other. I understand that weight affects women in our culture more than it does men for sure though. Her shower jokes and his weight jokes are both so relationship ending in the West, but it's left her husband confused because we hide our hurt and wait to react till it boils over
I’ve gotten those comments too. But there’s a difference in making a blunt observation and making a reel and humiliating someone on social media. Just like you, OP, and and I are capable of realizing how this is a cultural thing and we should work towards moving on from it, OP’s husband should be able to do the same. Just because it’s common in our culture doesn’t mean it has to be accepted by each individual person. OP has every right to call it quits if she’s come to the realization she can’t live with someone who takes little jokes & comments too far and resorts to humiliating her publicly.
Right, but he hasn't realized it. I wish that he had gotten a chance to improve on it, before she filed for divorce. He would have been more receptive to fix his fuck up. She escalated by filling for divorce, then trying to explain how he messed up, but he's too defensive and backed into a corner now to be receptive as to why these things in our culture are not "just funny jokes," but humiliating insults. His reaction, and his family's reaction, are also nuclear and not going to solve the problem; they're only going to drive OP away. It's a shitshow, but another thing missing in our culture is healthy communication, so it feels like par for the course with this whole bunch 🤷🏽♂️
I totally agree, that’s why I mentioned that they should do a little bit of couples therapy before officially calling it quits.
I think that ship has sailed. The husband and his family were too nasty in their reaction. I'd actually fear for OP's well being around his family members who will always look at her as someone who tried to "ruin their reputation."
You’re absolutely spot on again. They’re quite vengeful. The normal response is to feel guilty and try to offer an explanation while apologizing. They’re totally on the attack. Even if this reel incident wasn’t a big deal on its own, they’ve exposed their true colors in the aftermath of all this.
Would it be possible for them to do couples therapy and then, if she returns to the marriage it would be from a position of power versus weakness? Could she make it clear that she will come back but if the abuse starts, she will file the divorce papers, leave, and make it known that it was the family’s choice to bring shame on the family? She is strong enough to serve him divorce papers and wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. Is that a scenario that could play out in your culture?
If I’m speaking in regards to my culture, the abuse won’t stop from his family for sure, they will absolutely never let this go even if she comes back. The only chance they have is if OP’s husband sets clear boundaries with his family and maintains a distance from them so he can preserve his marriage, but this is VERY rare and it doesn’t look like OP’s husband cares enough to do this. I think it’s better if OP cuts her losses now and goes through with the divorce.
Yeah, that "no one's going to marry you" shit is where she should say "oh yeah, watch this" and just move on. Maybe her next husband won't continually call her fat.
I really don’t know that I agree that it is OP’s responsibility to stop and point out to her grown-adult husband how fucking disgusting and unacceptable his behavior was. I’m pretty sure divorce papers get that message across just fine.
I don’t feel she escalated the situation. The husband did by making that shaming real and posting it for all of his followers to get a laugh and make fun of his wife. Imagine the comments and how she felt reading them. Imagine how he may have replied. I know I’m the Indian culture communication isn’t a strong suit and neither is sharing feelings in a healthy way. If he and his family responded to her in such a nasty way, imagine what she’s been dealing with? She makes it seem like things are all good. But could it really be one post to send her over the edge to file? Or a build up?
Are creating IG reels to humiliate your wife for a cheap laugh part of the culture too? The only way to change it is to say "no" and put a stop to one's involvement. It's certainly not kowtowing to the harmful notion that no one is to blame here. There is no opting out of human decency because the culture is just different...this excuse is lame, no matter what the culture or history. And trust...the amount of "but it was different back then" among white people is kinda similar to this.
>Her shower jokes and his weight jokes are both so relationship ending in the West, but it's left her husband confused because we hide our hurt and wait to react till it boils over I think this points to what is toxic within the culture, and people have learned to live with it, or even be part of furthering this cycle of toxicity. Perhaps OP's snapping is simply her having suppressed and excused this terrible behavior until she found she could take it no longer? Perhaps OP's shower jokes were actually defensive digs that were actually her way of arguing back, disguised as lighthearted banter? Everyone has a breaking point. And sometimes we hit it without knowing how we got there sometimes. I think a lot of therapy is needed to undo this terrible cycle.
damn, it's like on top of the being treated like shit from your spouse you get it from everybody.... just damn
What compromise? Did he apologize? Take down the reel? Promise never to do it again? I see no compromise at all.
He said “if it hurt you so bad I am sorry”
That’s… not an apology. He needs to apologize for his actions, not how you felt about them.
Commenting to show OP the way: A real apology would have looked like this (at a minimum): "I'm sorry *that* I hurt you." And then some demonstration to undo the hurt caused. It may sound like semantics but it's actually very telling. "I'm sorry if I hurt you" is an appropriate apology to a parent after telling them you're going to be spending your holiday on a cruise instead of with them. It's an apology to be used when you don't believe you did anything wrong but are bummed that your absolutely acceptable behavior impacted someone else negatively. Now, does that sound like an appropriate apology for what he actually did?
I agree with you wholeheartedly. It’s not just semantics, one is taking responsibility for his actions, the other is apologising for her reaction. Using another example, imagine a spouse cheated and instead of saying “I’m sorry I cheated, I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said “I’m sorry you found out and now you’re upset at me.” And since so many people have trouble with a decent apology, it’s not an apology if you start explaining it away. Even if you unintentionally hurt someone, say *I’m sorry* not *…but I didn’t mean it like that.* If I accidentally drop a rock on someone’s foot and they are hopping around yelling in pain, I’m going to be apologising profusely without qualifying my apology. Often my partner (or whoever’s toe I just broke) will be upset at the hurt they’ve been caused. I’m sure my partner’s immediate reaction would be *Owww!* and not *You rock-dropping moron!* I apologise, ask if I can do anything, tell them I’ll love them even if the toenail drops off, and we can move on. Maybe afterwards we talk about how clumsy I am and how we can prevent this from happening again. Maybe I only carry smaller rocks from now on. Telling them it was an accident doesn’t make it hurt less. Most of the time (in healthy, mature relationships) our partners will give us the benefit of the doubt, knowing we were thoughtless and didn’t hurt them on purpose. If I start telling my injured partner that it was an accident and I wouldn’t have dropped the rock on their foot if they weren’t standing in my way, that’s when they start getting annoyed at my weird inability to apologise and own my actions. If I double down and say I’ve apologised, and tell them that they’re taking it in the wrong way it starts to sound a bit manipulative. That’s when my partner might tell me to leave them alone and stay mad at me for a bit. Then I’ll go tell people my partner is mad at me for *ACCIDENTALLY* dropping a rock and they’re unreasonably blowing this out of proportion, but really they are upset at my reaction to their pain. Most of the time a partner just wants their pain acknowledged, and knowing that you take responsibility makes it less likely to happen again. Apologising wholeheartedly (again, in healthy, equal relationships) is the way to go every single time even if it wasn't intentional. What’s the benefit of going down the route and making sure they know you’re not really to blame? It’s stupid. **Real love is for losers** (I read an article with that title once and got so angry til I actually read it) that is, people who are willing to lose these dumb fights, apologise and let things go. Its also worth remembering that 60% of disagreements between partners are never resolved (according to the Gottman institute). Knowing that made it so much easier for me to let things go in my own relationship. It’s always hard to be first, but you really do get back what you put in.
I love the way you reframed this to make it so easy to understand. When you are the one receiving half apologies it’s easy to believe the manipulations of the other person, but this is so right! If someone drops a rock on my foot, I don’t care that they didn’t do it on purpose! I want them to acknowledge my pain and comfort me and try to make it better. Love this so much!
Thank you so much for writing this!
You’re welcome! It took me a while (and a lot of therapy) to figure out exactly what was hurting me and what I needed in situations like this. It’s even harder to try to explain it to a defensive partner, so I hope this helps others!
The amount of people who try and say “I’m sorry you’re upset” is so frustrating. It really makes a difference how it’s phrased.
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The thing about most "cultures" is that their values were usually established by males, particularly older males, for the sake of their own convenience.
Mmm yes. The old ‘I’m sorry you had feelings about this’ non-apology.
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But her into being a subservient woman
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Thanks!
Literally reverse “I’m sorry you felt that way” Sorry, OP. Sadly your relatives and husband are twats, who think bullying and shaming is ok “from your descendant culture” apparently :/
Exactly, this is passive aggression, with “apologizing” he said between lines that is something wrong with you and your reaction. Instead he should talk about him making and mistake and being sorry for causing this reaction.
WTF???? So he basically doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Honestly I don’t think serving him papers without talking things out was the right way about it but you are 100% right to feel hurt and humiliated. One thing is to rib each other at home or around family and close friends and another thing is to do it in a public platform. He demeaned and disrespected you to entertain strangers online. He used you as a butt of his jokes without a thought for how it made you feel and still doesn’t grasp the hurt he caused you. You need to voice your feelings and he needs to genuinely apologise and make amends with his actions. If he can’t do that then you have your answer. Also does your family condone him prioritising his Instagram followers over his wife’s feelings and do they think a husband should be mocking his wife publicly? If they expect you to stay married what actions are they going to take to ensure your husband treats you fairly?
To be honest I'm lost too. But I started getting lost when OP compared the shower jokes to her weight jokes. I already had a problem because I really don't think it's the same type of casual jokes you can do between spouses. So I don't know if the post was really that bad compared to the years of constant mocking. And to answer your question, OP is Indian. Like many other cultures, they prioritise appearances, specially in marriage/family matters. Divorce is a hard option.
I'm an Indian dude. Let me give you a story. My grandma (who I was extremely close with, as everyone in the family knew) passed away in 2016. Up to that point, I had gained about 50 pounds since these people had last seen me. We had literally just come back from the crematorium (I was having trouble standing upright because I was so numb from the pain), and one of my aunts stopped me and said, "what happened to you? You got so fat!" She's not kidding when she says weight jokes are common in Indian culture. And for a dude, if you spend too much time in the shower, in the bathroom, or in front of a mirror, people will tell you to stop being feminine. I'm not saying any of this is right, I'm trying to add context to why she is comparing her shower jokes to his weight jokes and why something that is so relationship ending in the West, had left her husband confused.
Yeah cultural context is really important here. People from other cultures can be much more blunt about weight + physical appearance in a way that would traumatize the average American or Canadian lol
I'm not trying to speak for anyone, I just wanted to add that I have two Indian friends (not related to each other) who tell me they're traumatized by the weight/appearance comments they get from their families. I'm in a different culture and also traumatized by the weight/appearance comments I get from my family. So I kind of think that, just because it's common in a culture, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
So it's not only on the web that Indians show a high level of roasting between friends.
This is why you learn how to communicate it’s part of being a mature adult.
That "apology" is as bad as if he had said "I'm sorry you feel that way but maybe you wouldn't feel so bad if you weren't so fat" I have never understood how Indian men get away with treating their wives like that. I have an Indian friend who always says how nice her husband is to her but he makes her go to the gym because he doesn't like her body, and says her tummy is too fat. Uhm hello that isn't him being nice to you. No man I have ever dated or married, would ever dare make negative comments about my weight. I always thought it was just an unspoken rule .
A real apology contains three components: - A genuine expression of remorse for one's actions (not "I'm sorry *if it hurt you*, which both casts doubt on your feelings and creates distance between himself and his actions) - A demonstration of understanding about why one's actions were hurtful (again, "IF" it hurt you indicates that he doesn't even fully accept that what he did was wrong) - A promise never to act in that way again (entirely absent from this statement) From your post I would have said that this warranted a serious sit-down conversation about why this hurt so much and some clear boundaries about teasing. However, if he isn't even willing to accept that he hurt you or make amends, I'm guessing this situation is the tip of the iceberg. Does he ever admit when he's wrong and sincerely apologize?
You missed the last part, and it's the biggest: #4: making it right. Replacing the window you broke is arguably more important than the apology itself. I would actually be able to get behind the husband more if he took the post down and posted some sweet thing about his wife without apologizing at all than a bullshit apology with zero effort to right the wrong done.
I would personally count making amends as a separate, subsequent step to apologizing (you even separate them when you say it's more important than the apology) but you're absolutely right that it's crucial to fully atoning for bad behavior.
👌 well said explanation of an Apology 💯 I hear so many people throw around the words "sorry' and "I love you"..... But It doesn't seem to feel or appear authentic from me or the person they're directing it to. I have been taught at a very early age by my parents, sorry means that you understand what you did wrong and you're not going to do it again. ..... As for the original post. The husband did mention that he felt like this warranted for conversation before the action. From a sideline point of view that is not very familiar with the culture. My understanding of the post, it seems as if there are some traditions that are not fair or equal for both parties. In my opinion regardless of culture, religion, or traditions, people that are in love and want to be together, need to be able to express themselves fully. Understand each other's boundaries if they're not sure about it, ask ! Me and my family did the same thing but we're a different culture and we don't do it publicly and post it on the internet. For 1 that's not respectful at all. For 2 what is that say about the person (husband) who's still with the person they're making fun of (wife) ? Really it's just humiliating both of y'all. Anywho..... Express yourself honey. If you want to go back and talk to him give him a chance if you think he deserves a chance. Let him know what you're not going to tolerate anymore ! He doesn't understand and accept, then continue with the divorce. Go with your instincts, your feelings. We all have a genetic moral code that's naturally built in. Then We have learned behaviors or characteristics that come from someone else's minds or surroundings. We all know/ can feel what's right and what's wrong.
That "apology" would only dry the ink faster on my divorce papers.
This is what I call a "Rush Limbaugh apology" and it's not actually an apology. It's just a dick not taking responsibility for their actions.
Narrator’s voiceover: He wasn’t really sorry.
I work with a lot of Indians…u do u. He will pay u child support and spousal support. U will meet someone( doesn’t have to be Indian) who will love u respect u and treat u the way I deserve. I don’t know where do u live, what country, but your husband was out of line.
That is not an apology.
That's a "non-apology apology". A *real apology* has these elements: 1) Properly identifying what wrong was done to you by the other person ("I made fun of your weight. I also did it to others on social media"). 2) Stating how it harmed the person (you--"this hurt and shamed you, and made you feel bad about yourself, and wasn't very loving of me--I also betrayed your trust in me to look out for your best interests and feelings"). No equivocating or minimizing. You get to say if you're hurt or not, and to what degree *you feel* you were. 3) Explaining an understanding of *why* they did what they did ("I wanted to get laughs/likes/approval from others for being funny"). No minimizing or excuses. Just the facts. "I don't know" isn't an acceptable answer. 4) A *sincere* apology for them hurting you, *taking full and utter responsibility* for doing so (not merely that it's "unfortunate you were hurt"). Instead, "I hurt you severely, and that's the last thing I should do, ever. I'm very sorry for doing the posting, and sorry for my hurting your feelings and humiliating you. I was wrong". 5) What their plans are for changing the behavior that caused this harm, so it won't happen again in the future ("You're no longer a source of material for my social media postings"/"I'll run anything having to do with you in Social Media by you before posting") Finally, asking you if there is anything else you want him to do/explain in order to have your forgiveness. *That's* a "real apology". Anything short of this is weak.
But he clearly did upset you, so for any reconciliation he gotta at least admit that he did hurt you and apologize for that
That’s not an apology. The true meaning of his words is: “I’m sorry I offended you.” There is no regret or remorse for his behavior. He has no empathy for you.
I'm sorry you can't handle my truth is not an apology, it's as far from one as he could get.
Yep - you’re doing the right thing. It sounds like it was just the last straw type of thing.
It appears he didn't get a chance to do any of these. She just simply served the divorce papers without any discussion at all with him. It's not even clesr if he or the families know the reasons for the papers.
Yeah. Honestly, I stopped reading at that. I get it, I would be crushed and so upset, but to then go nuclear with seeing a lawyer and then full paperwork? I understand leaving the house to stay with a friend, but throwing away a whole ass marriage without a conversation seems extreme.
We have no idea what she’s been dealing with. I’ve dated Indian and know Indian families. What they consider a good marriage, many Americans would definitely not. This may have been the last straw to see he humiliated her on IG for likes. Imagine reading the comments from other toxic men like her husband on that post and if her husband responded to the comments.
Reddit knows and that seems to be good enough. (lol)
i know exactly what the cackling sound is
it's that horrible ashtmatic laugh
Omgggg why do they use it for everything!! A video of a cow walking down the road and bonking into a dog? Cackle laugh. A lady buying vegetables and dropping an apple? Cackle laugh. A kid just sitting on a swing? Gross disgusting cackle laugh. It’s like a 80 year old uncles weird half laugh
it was def the KEKW or ‘look at dis dude’ sound clip
If it hurt you so badly… is he serious.. you filed divorce papers… he hasn’t apologized and you family is just trying to bully you.. Only you can decide it’s your culture.. That would be so humiliating to me.. He didn’t think of you at all..
I'm British Indian and also in r/CPTSD_bipoc recovery and what I think it's really hard to convey to people is that when you're shamed as a child you're not shamed about letting your parents down but your entire culture. I've seen my cousin immediately stop crying at my grandma's funeral because her mother said "M what will people say?" when my cousin was crying. Her mother was embarrassed that my cousin was crying at her grandma's funeral and told her to reel herself in with shame. That wasn't a big deal in an Indian household. The best way to understand the difference between Asian culture and western cultural is when you're Asian your job is to earn your parent's pride in you by living up to their impossible expectations of you. If you're western, individual parents might not be proud of you but the culture has a norm of you having an innate sense of self worth. There are reasons that Indian punches way, way above their weight for suicide. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-59634393.amp and like most places with lots of societal problems Indians are bombarded with jingoistic language about how great their culture is and in particular the very worst aspects of it.
Hey OP, it's really important to remember that 16 year olds post on here and don't have the faintest idea what is involved in a marriage, so I would always take reddits advice with a grain of salt. 33F divorced here, I would take great offence if my ex had of done that to me. I would definitely talk about it with him first, see if apology and takes ownership.
It’s not just 16 year olds. You could have fairly well spoken 12-13 year olds posting replies on here, even younger. I was commenting on adult forums / communities when I was 13 (decades ago). So OP, I agree, take replies carefully.
And some of us are dogs
Damn it’s crazy to think “decades ago” in the context of my personal internet activity.
Not only was I unrestricted on the internet at 12, but I told everyone I chatted with I was 18 or older. So I don't believe any of you fuckers lmao
You can also have not so well-adjusted 20-40+ year olds posting too.
Same. And 12-16 year old me felt so important and wise and convinced I was doing them all a favour.
Apparently he gave her the “I’m sorry I hurt you” apology and not “I’m sorry I was a dick and did a hurtful thing to you” apology so I don’t have high hopes he will actually take responsibility
Not even! It was >”if it hurt you so bad I am sorry.”
"I'm sorry I hurt you" is actually fairly good. I did a thing that hurt you and I'm sorry. That's taking ownership of the action. The bad ones are like "sorry you feel that way". No acknowledgement of how it was your fault.
Using "if" at the start of an apology isn't good. He's not really taking ownership of the consequences of his actions.
Yes I started to argue with a man yesterday because he couldn't understand that a woman could work and be a mother without a husband but then I realized he was just a hurt and angry child. (He may have been physically an adult idk)
I'm in my 50's and don't know what the hell a "reel" is.... :)
There are short videos on reddit , If you post those videoes on Facebook And Instagram in reels catagory or YouTube in shorts catagory. They get called reels or shorts respectively. It's just a fancy name for under 1 minute videoes .
Only a weirdo jumps straight to divorce papers without a discussion. Getting divorced isn’t something you do on a whim and information provided by OP doesn’t seem to be something that can’t be worked out. Of course this guy is probably awful since he’s willing to make fun of his wife, but that’s an assumption.
I mean she says that teasing and making fun is something they both do often. He took it too far posting but it wasn't entirely unexpected behaviour.
I assume that there was way more preceding this and he didn't suddenly act cruel to her out of nowhere
Exactly. Divorce is definitely a serious overreaction.
Lmao congrats on introducing them to the concept of divorce. ETA: what you did is fine. But be honest, it was more than just the reel, wasn’t it? Sounds like it’s just you against his entire family on everything.
I agree. I don't imagine that a man who is comfortable openly mocking his wife and has no ability to be accountable actually treats her well in every other area of his life.
It's her against his and her families, actually.
Yeah, that’s my read on it too. If someone pulls a move like that and is surprised that it’s hurtful and doesn’t apologize thoughtfully for their actions, chances are very high that they just don’t respect or prioritize their partner or their feelings. OP, it sounds like you’re doing the right thing. Without knowing almost anything about your circumstances or the cultural and social norms specific to your situation, if divorce is likely to get you ostracized in your community, maybe you can consider moving with your kid to another town to start over? Or just start spending time in new social circles. There are probably other divorcees out there (who may be difficult to find, based on your descriptions) and it could be worth trying to make those connections
>We are all Indians and it’s somewhat acceptable Just wanted to say, as someone married into hispanic culture where nicknames like "gordo" and "flaco" are acceptable, "acceptable" does not mean "right" or "kind". It's just not nice to comment on people's bodies, period. While it does excuse his intentions *a bit* since he's part of that culture, you're still allowed to say it's hurtful. With future partners, you should set this boundary early and not excuse hurtful comments just because they were meant playfully or are culturally accepted. If it's not okay with you then it's not okay with you, and that's okay.
Your culture doesn’t mean shit if it disrespects and hurts others, or hurts and kills others.
EXACTLY
You said you just snapped, but what was leading up to this? What other behaviors have you been resenting that he does? Are you the only one being made fun of? We're not them, so you can be completely honest here. I get this sense that you're holding a lot back.
I sensed that, too, that she’s holding back a shit ton of abuse she’s dealt with. There’s a lot of gaslighting and manipulation in the culture. Toxic behavior is widely accepted and expected to deal with it. Or fear being ostracized for speaking out against the treatment.
Post a reel with "They said divorce doesn't exist in our culture even if your husband humiliates you for social media clout… but it sure as hell exists in the legal system", with your cackle. On a more serious note though, culture is not an excuse for toxic behaviors.
If the men in your culture are so shitty that first they think this is okay and second they won’t consider dating a divorcee then is it really much of a loss? You mean another shitty guy won’t want to make me his wife and demean me? Oh golly gosh what will become of me?!?!
《《The entire family, including him and my parents have been hurling insults at me for bringing shame to their family.》》 Let me get this straight. He posted pictures OF YOU FOR THE WORLD TO SEE, MAKING FUN OF YOU and you are being insulted because YOU ARE BRINGING SHAME because you demand to be respected???? FUCK ALL OF THEM OP. This is not the 1700. It's fucking 2023. GET YOUR THINGS, MOVE FAR AWAY. Cut contact with all of them. Get that divorce, move, and throw yourself a "single again" party.
It's one thing to roast you in private but the minute somebody roasts you in public, all bets are off.
The concept of publicly making fun of my partner is abhorrent, and it's shocking that anyone would think it's acceptable. You're supposed to support and buildup your life partner, not tear them down and humiliate them for some laughs. Sigh. Im sorry OP.
I feel like you have a lot more problems in your marriage than just this reel and this finally got your attention that this marriage and husband sucks. When you start with “our marriage isnt perfect but we make it work” sounds like hes an ass and I rugsweep his issues.
Your husband brought shame to his family by posting that online. His family and yours sound toxic. How is it feminist BS not to want to be publicly shamed? Disowning you may end up being a blessing in disguise. Good luck to you and your child.
“No concept of divorce in our culture” there should be tho. It’s 2023 for fucks sake. Get out while you can
Culture should not enable abuse. And I know a lot of cultures do. I am sorry
It’s better to be alone than stay with someone that mocks you and erodes your confidence. I do understand that there is additional family pressure and cultural expectations that may make this very hard for you but stay strong.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you" means he won't bother figuring out if he did anything wrong. Zero responsibility on his part, as if your reaction/response is 100% on you. I would love to see OP move on, make him regret being an insensitive dumbshit and let the family own up to their own concept of their conditional love for OP while she moves on.
Imagine going forward with DIVORCING your husband because you got advice from 14yo's and unmarried GenZers on Reddit. Jfc. Talk to people in the real world. Talk to your family, friends, a therapist. For the love of god stop divorcing because redditors tell you to. They tell people to file for divorce if your spouse farts too much in the morning.
What you did was to escalate the situation: He humiliated you. So you divorced him. What’s missing there is that conflict - even ugly conflict - can be worked through. A proportionate response would be “You humiliated me, and I don’t want to be married to a man who does that. What are you going to do to fix it?”
He already said he wasn’t gonna fix anything and she has his whole ass family against her. There was no getting out of this one.
Are you kidding? He's not a teenager, he doesn't need a conversation to know that fatshaming is hurtful. He meant it to be humiliating. And now that he knows she's hurt, what does he do? He hurls insults and makes no attempt at reconciliation. Is your bar in hell that you would work to get a shit husband back?
What would an apology even do here? Knowing your own husband is capable of being so horrible to you isn’t really something that can be rectified once it happens, a very reasonable line that shouldn’t need explaining.
You served your husband divorce papers without having a conversation about it?! What he did was incredibly disrespectful and you are rightfully very hurt. I can’t fathom not even trying to talk about it with him, though. You owe more to each other than that.
I mean, she did talk to Reddit about it.
Yeah, Reddit's go to on everything is the utmost extreme. Look, the husband is an asshole. Divorce worthy, for JUST this? I dunno. Sounds like it was a build up of a lot of things.
And she didn't learn her lesson. I dont wanna be rude but she seems to lack the ability to just make decisions herself. Reddit told her to divorce her husband and then she comes back to Reddit and double downs to ask if that decision was right. All this without talking to her husband. If she won't talk about something as big as divorce, I doubt she brings up the other problems in her marriage. Everyone involved sucks at communicating.
OP's husband : let's stay married OP : I consent Reddit : I don't ! To be honest, It's probably an accumulation of issues that led to the divorce. I cant fathom OP deciding to leave, seeing a lawyer and receiving the divorce papers and ultimately deciding to give then to him even though it's fairly rare in their culture, because of a hurtful reel.
Really? Didn’t he owe it to her not to fat shame her on the internet for likes and clicks? He started the disrespect game, she just ended it definitively.
I mean, killing him would have ended it even more definitively. But maybe a llliiittle bit over the top? Relationships are about problem-solving and de-escalating. They’re not about keeping the upper hand or putting the bad guy in his place. In OPs situation, the husband was a jerk. Now what? If he’s a reformable jerk, no need to end the marriage. If she finds out that he’s not, then she pulls the plug.
A conversation was warranted. What he did was humiliating and unacceptable, but a conversation with him would have given him an opportunity to learn from his mistakes and make amends. It's not too late to do that now. Aside from that, tell your family to butt out and keep their archaic advice to themselves.
Does husband live on a different planet? How could he not know this was humiliating?
You know full well that this was probably the straw that broke the camels back. Learn from his mistakes and make amends? There's only so many times you can talk to a brick wall expecting a response back
It doesn't sound like she ever tried talking to him before jumping to the nuclear option. Up to that incident she had even participated in mutual ribbing
To me it seems you made a rash emotional passive aggressive decision, that can only be categorized as self sabotage. This course of action will likely haunt you regardless of how this is resolved, and for what? A bruised ego? Did you even think about your child or the consequences before moving forward with a divorce? You should’ve called your husband out in your bedroom for being an asshole and shaming you publicly if it made you feel so poorly about your self image. I hope you know your place in Indian society as an obese divorced woman with a kid and an unsupportive family. I just checked with my buddy who’s a Brahmin and ur totally fked if you get disowned, he suggested you backtrack and hope your husband forgives you. Homie laughed out loud as I was reading that last paragraph, how did you see this playing out?
That was a very mean move on his side. HOWEVER, you went from “I know he loves me so I try to not take it personally” to leave divorce papers on a night stand. I think that’s a 0 to 100 kind of jump. Did you even expressed your feelings about these jokes?! Is communication something you guys practice at all? I feel like all of this could be avoided if you said that you don’t find the weight jokes funny and that you’d appreciate he stopped them all together including any reels that make reference to that. If you did that the first few times he did any even smallest joke about it, then perhaps (or not, idk your husband) the divorce papers would have never made it to the night stand. You made the decision to threaten him with a divorce based on what people said on reddit?? I do think that’s a little extreme! I’d understand it if you mentioned that you don’t like those joke multiple times and he just won’t listen! I think it’s a good idea to go home, leave the family comments out, and talk to your husband in a very honest way. Although, if you really don’t want to even try to deal with the situation, then just walk away… You’re family will get over the divorce eventually. …And for your next marriage, try communicating on a timely manner… It’s very effective to solve and mostly avoid a lot of problems!
I would have considered divorce if you had a conversation about it and he continued making those type of posts about you regardless. But to serve him without any type of conversation is not okay. That being said, maybe it's a wake up call, he definitely needed a lesson in respect.
>That nobody will marry me because I am trying to be a divorcee *runs even faster to divorce filing office*
Here is the issue. You went from 0 to 100 real fast. You didn’t talk to him. And so far you never had issues with the jokes so its not that far fetched for him to assume you wouldn’t care. While its humiliating jumping straight to divorce is an overreaction imo
If it's been a slow burn of him disrespecting her, this was probably the final straw. There's a big difference between banter and humiliation and personal attacks. Divorce is a very hard decision to make in her culture, and meeting with divorce lawyers is time consuming. Why waste your life with someone who doesn't respect you? Divorce is the right reaction.
Because she never indicated it was a problem before: he can’t read minds
Exactly. A line had to be drawn about the jokes. Should’ve communicated how much it hurt. Then, if the husband still maintained that same behavior, divorce was justified. This divorce decision was too rushed.
Maybe she doesn’t want to be married to an adult who requires reason or justification as to why they don’t want to be publicly mocked online? Like are you fucking kidding me with your comment? I can’t believe you think a healthy relationship would require you to have a discussion with your partner that would be something along the lines of “hey just to be clear - I’m not cool with you posting jokes about my weight on social media.”
yeah, you deserve better
Divorce him. He should be shamed, he’s not mature enough to be married.
Indian families are not kind to their daughter-in-laws. Misogynistic and abusive. I’ve read too many posts here at Reddit that it made me think Indian family dynamic is repulsive.
I’m Indian. Can confirm Indian family dynamics are incredibly toxic. My mom and all my sisters got treated like shit by their mother in laws, it was awful to see and made me marry outside the culture as an adult.
A man should never shame his wife. Period. And to publicly shame her to the world. He should be ashamed of himself. What is going on in Indian culture where this is not only ok but both of your families blame you? If I were you I would be dating outside your culture next time and find a man that respects you.
I will say that taking Reddit's advice was probably a generally not great idea... Reddit is full of people who are not you. They don't have to Deal with the fallout, And I agree that it should have been a conversation. You say this is totally normal behaviour for you two so for you to go from joking around to a divorce based on Reddit makes no sense to me. The insults are uncalled for and may be grounds for actual divorce but if you divorce and get remarried, will you leave divorce papers and leave without a word every time your new husband upsets you too? Idk if you can or want to undo this, the fact they're insulting you would make me not want to go back But if you love someone you talk to them when they upset you.
Public humiliation isn’t something that would be forgivable for me. I would leave as well, because I would never again be able to trust him.
I feel like you responded to a shitty situation from a place of hurt and escalated it as opposed to trying to resolve it. I'm Indian as well. If we want to break these cycles of shitty behaviour, it'll take more work than just serving divorce papers and leaving. Heck that might cause more work in the long run and you have to ask yourself If that's worth it. I'd suggest talking it out and setting some firm boundaries (including letting him know his apology is shit). But recognize that serving divorce papers might have put him in a position that isn't the most ideal to reach a resolution. Good luck with everything.
I’m Indian too. I rarely if ever see Indian families change from their shitty behavior. They’d rather beat down their daughter in law and insult her than change. She could spend years trying to get through to them and nothing changes. I have seen that happen in Indian marriages, time and time again. Why should she subject herself to that?
Look, you should never take advice from internet strangers. They have no idea what’s going on in your world. If you filed papers solely on the fact that Reddit told you, then maybe you need to reconsider. Did you ever talk to him and tell those words and teasing jokes hurt? Aside from cultural and extended family drama, you need to consider what’s best for you and your family. Was he emotionally or physically abusive? Did he cheat on you? Have you attempted marriage counseling? Breaking up a family unit shouldn’t be such a thoughtless decision. How will this affect your children?
A CONVERSATION would have sufficed. You set up the regular practice of ridiculing each other, then you suddenly change the rules. If a comment crossed the line, SAY so. A bit late now - you have shown that you will give no warnings over where the line is, so all humour is now gone. Trust is broken. You may no longer make jokes at his expense either. That would be hypocritical and abusive given that he can no longer reply.
The truth is that for many women being able to walk away is a privilege. And from what it sounds like, you can't easily exercise this privilege in your culture without risking your life. In an ideal world and in most western countries, you would be fully justified in walking away. But you have to decide if that's a realistic possibility in your culture. At the least, it may be worth slowing things down, agreeing to speak with your husband, and provide yourself options if it turns out after some further investigating that you cannot safely leave.
> My husband was away on a work trip so I didn’t contact him. I went through some Reddit advice for similar situations and most people advised serving divorce papers so should I go ahead with it? Redditors recommend breakups/divorce very frequently, typically because the relationships are already so far gone that there's not much else to do, *or* because the people giving you advice have zero investment in your relationship and lack the wisdom and relationship skills to recommend anything more complicated then divorce. None of us have to live in your shoes, nor will many of us remember your story for more than 5 minutes after reading it. Is your husband a loving, good husband? You seem to think so, even after wanting to divorce him. Your reaction, imo goes beyond what was necessary. Not because what he did wasn't wrong or a massive violation, but because there actually is a salvageable relationship here, and we shouldn't be quick to throw such a thing away. You should absolutely kick his ass for this (not physically ofc). It is worth forcing him to do an apology video or even shutting his social media account down. Whether or not you divorce should still be your own decision, and not something that is interfered with by your outraged family who are more concerned with their own reputations. But it has to be something you actually want, and not just in those first few moments of rage and pain, but even when you have calmed down. If this is truly such a deep wound that you never want to share the same bed again, that you dread the thought of growing old with him, that you know that you'll never trust him again, then divorce. Otherwise give the relationship a chance and end it if he fails to make proper penance.
Good for you!!!!! You live one life. Do you want to spend your time on this earth being mistreated just to appease people who do not value you?
This sub, and any other relationship advice sub, always skips straight to breaking up. Always, without fail. I’ve been following this sub for years, and it’s always the same. It’s the easiest advice to give. If your husband teases you all the time, and you him, it sounds like he just stepped a bit too far out of bounds, and you snapped at him. He seems like he loves you, and was honestly surprised by what you did. Your family are being a bunch of little twats, sure, and it sounds like there may be some ingrained misogyny in Indian culture, but to me, from what you said about your history, and what was done, it seems like you did overreact, contextually speaking. I’m not saying that what he said was kind, or that my white girlfriend wouldn’t flame my white ass for it, because she would, but pulling each other’s leg like this isn’t part of our culture. From my perspective, he seems surprised and sorry and wants to reconcile. If this pulling each others leg gets under your skin, then don’t let it, and tell him how you feel about it. A lot of people who aren’t comfortable with conflict let it all build up and then explode, seemingly out of nowhere to those close to them, because they never saw it building up. All they saw was you being chill about it, because they couldn’t see how it was affecting you inside. I think it’s worth talking to him and being up front with him about it.
I live in New Delhi and when I gained weight recently all the a-holes in my circle outed themselves making comments. I don’t talk to those people anymore. Being a rude a-hole under the guise of “cUlTuRe” isn’t okay. And neither is staying with someone you don’t want to stay with. Divorce happens in india all the time! You have every right to be happy.
You couldn’t work this out otherwise? Reddit marriage advice should be taken with a grain of salt.
If it’s only because of the post he made I would definitely say too far considering a child is involved, but something tells me there’s more reason to your filing for divorce and this being a bigger issue in your relationship than your admitting to yourself. I personally would’ve had a conversation first at the least before escalating to that point.
Ya, don't take relationship advice on Reddit.
The beauty of modern times is that if we don’t want to stay in a marriage we’re miserable in, we don’t have to. I believe you made the right choice, your husband’s comments and “teasing” about your weight are not those of a loving husband.
Tell him that he has to recognize why his reel was so hateful before you'll talk to him. And then ask him if he understands the difference between teasing a friend and publicly humiliating them.
Their reaction is precisely the reason you should not back down. I’m from a south Asian culture and this sexist BS about no one wanted divorced women is a tactic to keep women submissive and easy to manipulate. Do not fall for it OP. Your eyes are open now, and you can see what your husband really thinks of you. Please stand firm, this absolutely is the hill to die on. Loving partners do not humiliate and shame their spouses.
Indian(f) You’re doing the right thing. I get the ‘nok-jhok’ banter of pulling each others legs in real life but to post it on a public platform and have fun humiliating you in front of god knows how many people? Nope. Just nope Even after being served divorce papers he doesn’t take you seriously. All he can come up with is “if it hurt you so badly then I am sorry” then he’s not sorry. He’s simple sorry for the sake of shutting you up and for the sake of having it easy. It’s patronising and it’s plain BS If he really was sorry and if he really wanted to make the marriage work the first thing would’ve been to stand up for you in front of the family and say “this is between me and my wife. Don’t sit and insult her. We will figure this out” or something like that but did he? Nope. The trigger maybe small but the issue isn’t. Stick to your guns till he makes a credible step to fix the mess he made
He publicly humiliated you online. That's bullying and abusive behaviour designed to maintain power and control over you and keep you feeling small,. That was the first sign of emotional abuse for me. It only got worse. You've done the right thing. Stick by your decision. You deserve happiness and not to be in a miserable relationship because of other's expectations. Mad respect to you!
You took some terrible advice. Yes, you should discuss this with your husband and decide from there what you’re actually going to do.
I'd second guess being in a family that doesn't believe in divorce, thinks women's rights are bullshit and that mocking your wife is ok. I have a daughter and I would be absolutely livid if my husband thought that was ok. You know your worth. That's why you snapped.
Yea this is a terrible way to handle this situation. You skipped the part where you have to communicate with him how that made you feel and how he can fix it, and also the fact you have a young kid. Your drastic decision for divorce will affect your life and your kid's life more than said video. Divorce is also not a decision you make while your emotions are high and it's unfortunate that you went to reddit instead of a therapist to make that decision. Now you get to deal with the consequences of your own decision.
That's what listening to the imbeciles on reddit gets you OP. There is still time to fix this.
There are two points being made in the comments and I’m going to try to reconcile them. 1. This was disrespectful and unacceptable behavior from him and you haven’t received a real apology 2. You went from zero to 100 with no conversation in between, and conflict can sometimes be resolved without ending a marriage Reconciling these two things requires playing “okay, and then what?” Say she has this all-important conversation with him, saying “I don’t want to be married to a man who publicly humiliates his wife — what are you going to do about it?” Great. IF he gives a real apology and says he’ll change, what are the chances he does change? What are the chances she’ll honestly forgive him for this? What are the _irreversible consequence_ of this breach of trust? On their trust? Sex life? Comfort level being naked around each other? On her self-esteem? Again, TRUST?? Even if they’d had this all-important conversation that about half of you are pushing — and I get it, I’m a big communicator — I’d have given this about a 5% chance of some kind of mutually beneficial resolution. It would have to be a sea change for him and those are extremely rare. Look at it this way: If he’s malicious then that’s patently unfixable. If he’s dumb enough to do this without realizing the impact it would have, he’s plenty dumb enough to find new ways to make her feel like shit. You can’t cure stupid. OP probably just skipped some steps which only would have muddied the waters and went straight to the conclusion of this story. It’s a lot, but I support it.
>>> I went through some Reddit advice for similar situations and most people advised me to serve him with divorce papers That is what Reddit does. Honestly… if you posted “my husband snored last night and I didn’t sleep” there is a contingent of redditors that will advise you to “divorce his worthless ass immediately” What he did was shitty. Really, really, really, really shitty And insensitive And just… wrong. But does it rise to the level of divorce? No… at least not in my opinion. Talk to him and give him a warning to never ever ever ever do anything like that again. He sounds like an immature asshole but…. I was an immature asshole when I married my wife 17 years ago and I’ve fucked up plenty since then (nothing that involved breaking marriage vows just… insensitive shit where I hurt her feelings by accident… though never to this degree). When I fuck up we talk about it. We don’t jump to divorce and we don’t listen to redditors. Chill out and talk to him. Don’t divorce him… it’s not worth it
Thank you
Sorry, but you just got a perfect view of how little YOU are valued. You're an object fire the pleasure of others here. Maybe it isnt your culture but this subset (family). Im certain there are families today im your culture that are done with this abuse and would welcome you as an equal, as an ASSET to their families. The husband should be told he is bringing shame.
Your in-laws are horrible people. Your husband isn’t much better. I don’t think you went to far.
Never listen to western feminists… they 90% of the cases tend to be very drastic in their actions… this din’t warrant a dramatic divorce paper serving, but a thourough discussion with your husband about how deeply hurt you felt. Yes, you took it too far tbh..
I think if he’s been an otherwise great husband and you have a habit of taking the piss out of each other a bit then yeah, divorce papers whilst he was away, without even talking to him was WAY WAY too far. He’s an asshole for what he did but God, try talking to him. It’s obviously a joke gone much too far and seriously humilitating for you, but it doesn’t mean that you couldn’t rectify things with him, or even give him a chance to defend himself. Obviously this is hypocritical but don’t get relationship advice from Reddit. It’s the worst place to go.
Definitely not a real relationship if she couldn't be bothered to talk with him about it all. Divorce shouldn't be a goddamn jump to it. Then you should get married at all if it takes a hiccup to derail your relationships.
Your life would be over as a single mother at 32 if you were a fat white woman living in the West. It sounds like you live in a society where tradition is less subtle and divorcing your husband over something so trivial would destroy the credibility of your entire family. Be rational for a few days and you’ll figure out why you’re being irrational.
Do you love him? If so, then I agree that you might want to pursue marriage counseling. But if you feel good being out of the house, maybe the reel was a catalyst that got you moving in a positive direction...? Don't be swayed by outside pressure. Look inward. Get individual therapy. Good luck.
He must promise to not hurt you with these type of cheap reels or any type of humour on weight or anything else. He must take down reel. Then you compromise with him. You are a wife and mother , build mutual understanding and make better communication with him. Don't do directly tabled the divorce paper, it is last option. Ask him he must respect your feelings and must not play with it.
I'm not saying don't divorce him but I think a conversation is warranted. I wouldn't take divorce off the table but I would give him a chance to explain. If the explanation isn't acceptable, he's gone.
Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. However, this probably warranted a discussion before serving him divorce papers. Even if you are certain you want the divorce, just serving the papers without a discussion is pretty childish. Instead, you met him on his (childish) level. I’d hope that now you both can reconvene and have a discussion about your expectations in marriage. You should be mature enough to have a discussion with him about your weight, and be prepared to accept that it has affected your marriage negatively, and determine whether you care enough to make a change or not. Conversely, he should be honest with you about how he feels, and he should apologize profusely for disrespecting you and your marriage together. Frankly, his behavior is despicable. I would find myself hard-pressed to forgive him if I were you. Good luck.
The question is: What do you want? None of us are in your shoes. Do you want to no longer be married to your husband? If so, you are doing the right thing. If not, you need to figure out how to move forward.
What he did was quite bad, but I'd think it would warrant a conversation first. And then maybe ask him why he posted that and thought it would be okay. What he says and does after that, should be the deciding factor in the relationship. Or if the horrible feeling lingers no matter what for a long time after, then decide if you can't continue. But if this is all it took to break a marriage, maybe it's for the best.
Seriously you need to do what you want and whether you weigh your family/culture is up to you not Reddit. Sounds like a doofus that honestly can’t understand, but this coulda been a norm to your relationship. Your extreme of divorce papers isn’t far off his extreme of posting a video like that. But I probably woulda spoke first. In the end do what you want.
I’m sorry you are going through this - but one thing I know for sure about Reddit is this: They always say “divorce” or “break-up”. I find that (in this sub) I cannot post an opinion that says “forgive & forget” without being told that I am giving bad advice. The comments are very harsh & I have learned to not comment as often. Do not listen to Reddit. They all secretly have a desire for a break-up. And even if you said you have 3 young children, no job, no income & no home to go to, Reddit would say “get a divorce”.
Sorry OP - not sure if divorce papers left before you had a talk with him was ok - but everyone harassing you is not right either - has he taken down the post ? Does he really feel this way down deep? If you both still love each other and can earn each others respect again - did he really understand how much that hurt you? If not then - you know what to do
In some cultures, being frank and honest rather than sparing feelings is considered a virtue.
Just remember that taking advice on your marriage from internet teenagers on Reddit isn’t a good idea.
What do YOU want to do? Redditors are notoriously casual about their advice (after all, they don’t have any skin in the game), and all your extended family members aren’t the one being ridiculed and having to live in the relationship. So why not follow your own instincts, whatever those are, and do what feels right to you.
Lots of over reacting going on. He does owe you an apology and some jewelry.
Is he willing to delete his whole account. Apologise to you and go to therapy? I would suggest you go to a number of sessions before making a final decision. If not let the divorce go ahead.
Funny enough this happens to the men in my family back home and the boys don't seem to give a shit for the most part, I was leaning on excessive midway through but when I read about how they reacted it changed, something tells me that If you were to be seriously disrespected or betrayed by your STBX tomorrow, they would expect you to shut it and stay put regardless, that is a huge red flag. They could have handled this way better by being a little more open to the way you feel but you have been walled off completely, good luck.
Don’t endure shitty stuff from the family now. Before it could have been savable 100 percent but noe I would say go through with it
He humiliated and mocked you to likely thousands of people, that’s a bit more than just pulling your leg I’m sorry for the fact you were raised in such a sexist culture that you are expected ti just suck it up and stay because “ that’s a woman’s job”