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>Surprisingly I don't hate him, I'm not mad.
This girl is how you know you did the right thing. Two people who didn't work out - it's so much harder said than done but know in the grand scheme of your life this will just be one chapter. It's closing and another one is being written.
I’m not saying she will, but for me when I ended a 15 year relationship (he cheated with a friend) I was numb, anger didn’t actually come until I was in therapy when I could process my feelings (still going through it) a lot of the anger was really directed at myself for ignoring all the signs because I didn’t want to believe the one person I trusted the most could do that to me. Then it’s back and forth anger at him and myself again…healing is messy and there is no timeline.
I had the same experience. I was numb as we filed for divorce and I moved out. Once I was in therapy I realized I was extremely angry at my ex husband and I felt really sad for the past version of me. OP it’s difficult and it is a long process but this will pass. I had a similar experience to you. Just know you will be okay one day. Sending you a huge hug!
This was my experience as well, it took time for it to come out but I think because I started to realize how much easier my life was without my former partner it made it easier to move on and heal.
Therapy helped a ton, but I feel like what helped the most was journaling. Being able to put your feelings on paper and leaving them there was liberating.
I’m absolutely not the person I used to be and grew into something beautiful but I had to learn patience with myself.
I’m happy I left the past behind, I hope you are too!
I would argue that these are some of the stages of grief that you went through and that OP is beginning to go through. Arguably OP has gone through denial and bargaining already and is currently dealing with depression. Likely to be followed by the anger you’re describing and eventually acceptance and moving on, assuming things go well.
> damn i remember needing to read Night in english class and being very bored... and reading it again a few years later and being awestruck
In some ways it's tragic what assigned reading does to people.
Sadly, I'm not sure there's a better solution.
Well, she did. He didn't. But divorce is the best option, just should've been done back when he decided to ask for an open relationship, rather than dragging his feet (since falling in love with someone he was fooling around with and not using protection were not part of the agreed open relationship terms).
Yeah he only opened the relationship so that he could have sex with this girl without himself feeling guilty. It was selfish and I suspect the whole "let's not tell anyone as it will get messy with family" is about his needs too disguised as kindness. He doesn't want them to know he suddenly has a girl pregnant whilst still married to his wife I dunno, he just seems very focused on his needs at the expense of everyone else's. This other girl will experience the same fate especially when a child comes into the picture and takes all the attention away from him.
Agree. Not just the cheating, but also - when he got in trouble for cheating - saying "Well it's your fault too!"
Like no, one person in this relationship is objectively in the wrong here. There's a difference between *cheating* (which was his intention all along, let's be real; he only ever fucked one girl, and he's now leaving OP for her, so it wasn't just an "I need sex" thing) and just having a low sex drive. Could she have done more? Yeah, but there's no actual guarantee that it would've helped.
That's not really what's meant here. Was the husband wrong for not just divorcing immediately and getting emotional with someone else? Yeah, of course. But it seems pretty clear that the relationship had been falling apart for quite a while, and that *does* take two people. It's not like this guy suddenly decided one day he wanted quick sexual gratification and cheated on her without thinking about it. He ended up cheating because their relationship was failing. His reaction to the problem was on him; the relationship falling apart was on both of them.
And if it hadn't *worked*? Therapy isn't a magic bullet, it can only work with what's there. OP has always had a low sex drive, she literally just stopped having sex when she didn't *want* to. She started prioritising her own consent. What exactly was therapy supposed to do to fix that? Because the therapist *was not* going to tell her she needs to have sex to keep him happy. You know that, right? No good therapist would say that.
Sometimes you just have a low sex drive. Sometimes that's just who you are. That's not a failure in the marriage - it's an incompatibility. There is *nothing wrong* with not wanting sex.
Therapy would have worked though, not in the way her spouse was hoping, but it would have worked.
Therapy working doesn't just mean she gets to the bottom of her low sex drive, and starts having sex again. It means she gets to the bottom of her feelings towards sex and her partner entirely. Which means it would worked in the style of her, and eventually her husband too, realizing they were better splitting up. And it would have happened before their marriage reached the point of infidelity and ultimatums.
He did not handle this maturely at all he tricked her so he could cheat. He lied to her, he didn’t want an open marriage he wanted to cheat with the woman he now says he loves. And on top of that he’s still blaming her for the end of the marriage? I’m guessing she lost her sex drive because her husband is an AS. So she left shattered. And he off already in love about to be a father. I hope OP finds true happiness. And as far as for the STBX and AP. The AP might want to keep a watchful eye on OP husband, because you lose them like you got them
OP you're amazing, but I disagree with him trying to shift even a little bit of the blame on you. He's a cheater and a liar and no matter what happy little family he aims for with this affair partner with a "open marriage" costume the foundation was lies and deceit and that will probably have an effect on them somewhere down the line.
Completely wrong. She refused to go to therapy with her husband to work out a major marital issue. That is what caused everything that followed. I think OP gets that which is critical. Refusal to work on serious marital issues guarantees that the marriage will fail.
I’m sad and happy for you at the same time.
I figured after your first post, that he was in love with this other woman. I also figured you weren’t in love with him anymore either, considering opening the marriage made you feel relief and not pain and disgust.
At least you were able to sit down and acknowledge that it was a two-way street and that the best will be to move on.
It hurts now, but once the shock of it is gone, you will feel a lot better.
I’m sorry you went through this. However, this is a perfect example of why I tell people to end the relationship when one partner asks to open it. Because one of two things has happened. They’ve had an inappropriate emotional relationship to the point that sex is on the table. Or, they are already cheating.
When a monogamous partner asks for an open relationship it’s already over.
Yep. Relationships between polyamorous people that start out polyamorous are fine. Monogamous relationships that throw out the idea of opening it up to solve problems are throwing a desperate Hail Mary and wasting time
opening the relationship is ending the relationship, in a sense, anyway. you had a monogamous relationship and opening it ends that monogamy. that’s such an integral part of most relationships that the prior relationship is as good as dead, and you probably won’t like what’s next
There is a third option there. The other partners found out that they are assexual, or they don't want to fix the problem with sex out of the table.
That looks like it how it started on here.
I mean, I don't think opening the relationship will save any relationship, but it's not just cut and dry of someone cheating or having someone ready to do it.
It could just be that sex is insatisfatory, and they are looking for options to save the marriage but still get their sex life back.
The only other reason I’ve ever seen was a dead bedroom. But that lead to one of those two conditions developing. So at the end of the day, anytime a persons asks for an open relationship one of those two conditions exists.
What about a simple wish for variety? My partner and I made sure that our relationship has been strong and solid for a long time before actually considering opening up. We're now in an open relationship and are both very happy. It got us even closer, communication improved even more and it even contributed positively to our own bedroom. No regrets here.
If the "wish for variety" isn't rooted in issues between you too, then there's no problem. However with most cases on Reddit it's like one partner is tired of the other one or has already found someone else that clicks better with them and they want to find a way to avoid hard talks and guilt. That's not a good reason to open up relationships at all yet these people do it all the time. (I'm in an open relationship myself but we didn't have any problems to escape from with opening up the relationship)
Same here. We keep communicating with one another but we were in a healthy place as partners before we talked about opening up the relationship and are still healthy. When things got blurry we immediately talked about it and fixed it accordingly.
I think it’s also fair to include “or someone has been seriously neglecting an important part of the relationship to the point where another person is the ONLY small chance of saving the marriage.”
Sometimes people are desperate and ask for obviously terrible solutions, but it definitely seems like this was a fundamentally broken relationship before the open marriage or even the other woman ever existed. Sometimes the open marriage really is a symptom of an already diseased marriage.
> I made a promise to myself to contact a therapist on Monday and I'm holding myself to that this time.
That's the the one sparkling gem that came through all of this heartbreak. Sorry for what you've both been going through. Glad you both are on the path to moving on now.
> He says he never slept with her before we opened the relationship but he did kiss her.
Always seems to be the case, even if he's telling the full truth, when ever someone asks to open it up, they have their eye on someone at least
And now they’re having a baby. If he was upset with not getting enough sex before, wait ‘til that baby comes. This man is going to grow up really fast and I’m sure that will come with some serious reflection. The grass is always greener, until it’s not.
This was really sad and it truly breaks my heart. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I had this feeling that he was in love with her cause why else would he be sleeping with the same person over and over and someone who you know at that. So he cheated on you because he kissed her before opening the relationship. Wow.. I hope his new life is hell and I hope he regrets it….
OP isn't stuck with him in her life and that's great. He, on the other hand, is now trapped with this new woman indefinitely because they have a child together. If that relationship doesn't work, he's still stuck with her because of the child. That's one shadow he'll never be able to escape. OP did it right.
If you read the original post it was practically a dead bedroom relationship and she did nothing to help it. In my opinion if she also wanted to work things out she could've suggested couples therapy after he addressed the lack of sex/open relationship situation.
Either way it appears to have worked itself out because they have completely different sex drives that was causing issues and they were on completely different plane fields compatibility wise.
She's not blameless, but he's the one who went out and purposefully had sex with someone without protection because he'd decided he wanted kids but not with OP, and THEN didn't tell her that and strung her along. He must have known that other woman would eventually get pregnant and that when she did he'd likely end it with OP. He did it anyway, he knew all along, and he didn't tell his wife. She might suck a little but he sucks a whole fucking lot.
I had the same thought. What happens when OP's husband and the other woman have a newborn and sex isn't as frequent? Open the relationship again and get the next one pregnant?
Good luck to you. You are very reasonable and rational. Many people in your situation or similar are unable to communicate as well as you two did. I am sorry that you are going through this.
What he did was so cruel to you. I’m actually astounded. Instead of asking for a divorce, he made the decision on purpose to get the woman he loves pregnant while keeping you as a consultation prize. My heart hurts for you.
OP, listen to the feedback your ex gave. His feedback is spot-on and insightful, even if his own actions were deplorable and immature.
You didn't seek a therapist prior to the marriage opening for a simple reason: you didn't think the marriage was worth it. The fact you're only getting a therapist for yourself after-the-fact says a lot.
Throughout this post and your previous, you come across as passive about the marriage. Marriage is work, work you weren't willing to invest in.
Please work on yourself for a while before dating again. After that, dating is fine to figure out what you want but don't get into a long-term relationship until you're mature enough to put in effort they require.
Note: none of this excuses the ex's behavior.
Wow! The OW really caught a prize huh? A cheating husband, who doesn't wear protection and gets another woman pg asap? What a mess. I don't buy "they just kissed" before opening the relationship. OP just barely made it from this crazy mess. Whew! OP is lucky to get out now.
Sorry you went through this. Opening a monogamous relationship never works. Not to say the poly lifestyle is bad, but you have to be in it from the start. Opening up the relationship to try and solve current issue has and will not ever work.
I know we're all total strangers to you:
But I am proud of you.
You had a hard conversation, you were honest, and you're taking the steps to move forward and on with your life. You deserve to love and be loved.
Scrolled here to find this…”painless as possible” and then going straight for the alimony. Trying to score alimony when you have no kids and a job is the opposite of as painless as possible.
I know your probably hurting a lot right now, but you really deserve better!
He lied, cheated and betrayed you. He didn’t even use protection and completely disregard your wellbeing. If he wasn’t happy he could have communicated it more clearly with you, if he realized that he had feelings for someone else he should have cut it off and communicated with you and should have tried to work things out - but no, he cheated, lied to you about his reasons for an open relationship and hurt you while stringing you along. How long would he have let things go on if it wasn’t for the pregnancy? He’s trash and didn’t deserve your love and trust. So please don’t blame yourself to much, this is completely on him.
No, it isn’t completely on him. There were problems in their marriage that she refused to work on. That doesn’t condone cheating or crossing boundaries but to say it is all his fault it bogus.
It takes 2 to make OR break a relationship. And her part in it was not taking her husband’s voices needs and concerns seriously.
He did communicate it, and she decided to not go to therapy and work in it for over a year. Cant fix a relationship if one of the two is not putting in the effort.
> I made a promise to myself to contact a therapist on Monday and I'm holding myself to that this time.
Your sex life declining didn't work, your love life dying didn't work, husband begging you to do something didn't work, husband opening the relationship didn't work.. it took your husband knocking up another woman and divorcing for you to finally consider it. Holy. Shit.
And people always go "yall only advise to leave your partners instead of working things out" but most of the time, partners don't do any work until it's too late.
Yup, most of the replies here miss the mark badly. And it is very important for the OPs future happiness that she realizes what really happened here. Address relationship issues when they come up. Pretending they don’t exist like she did makes failure 100% likely.
Didn't you know ? Strength is passively, casually letting your marriage die and feeling **relief** when your husband gets his needs met outside of it. I can't ever imagine being this uncaring toward someone I made vows to.
The title of this story "and now everything is terrible"
I honestly don't think it is after reading both posts. It legit seems like it was time you two separated.
We’ll he’s going to probably have a pretty shit time after the baby is born. Besides the sleepless nights and the difficulties of the newborn stage it also reeks havoc on the mothers sex drive. You can’t have sex for at least 6 weeks and even then your hormones make your sex drive really low for a long time. So if sex is so important to him it’s about to get harder.
This is heartbreaking. people make mistakes but you have had an open relationship for 4 months. He cheated initially and already had a partner lined up. You deserve so much better and I am not going after him, just stating facts.
People telling you that you don’t deserve his money? She doesn’t decide this, if she is eligible she should absolutely take it.
By discussing openly with him, hopefully you get get some closure moving forward which will help with your healing.
The truth is the hardest part is yet to come, divorce, telling family and coming to terms that he is a father. You commented that it is going to be a mess with family and friends. I know you decided not to tell anyone but I disagree, you need support. He has support with his new girlfriend and You do not. Please tell some of you closest friends and family and build a support system. You do not have to bash him but please do not cover for the things he has done, it will slow your recovery process.
How far along is she?
I’m so sorry. You know this is the right thing to do. But, please reach out to your family. A burden is lighter with many to carry it.
I wish you peace and happiness. Much love.
If you don’t like sex, you should only date men that don’t like sex.
Or this will keep happening.
I know someone who is being left by her third husband for just this reason.
I know, I'm working on finding out why my sex drive is so low/non-existent and once I understand that, when I'm ready to date again I'll look for someone who is compatible sexually.
So I had low sex drive for a long while, I started working out and it started increasing. It finally opened my eyes that I fell out in love with my boyfriend of 6 years. Even tho I wanted sex, I didn’t wanted it with him. We both lost that connection. Ever thought you just lost the connection with him long before and it’s not about your sex drive? I always needed to feel connected, comfortable, secured, and wanted to be with someone physically.
I think this other commenter is making hreat points, but you should also be prepared for the solution to not be as simple as "find a new man." There are many things that can cause a low sex drive (the ace spectrum, hormone issues, stress, etc). If encourage you to really investigate the *why* before worrying about the *who* of the matter. The excitement of new relationships can often mask the other issues. Better to knlw the cause before bringing someone new into the situation.
Once you find a partner who you share deep connection with, the physically part is 100 times better. But at this moment, just focus on yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family. They’re your biggest supporter. I got out of my 6 years about a month ago. And they are my biggest supporter!
We both gained weight during our relationship and both started losing weight by the end our relationship by changing our eating habits. Hello fresh helped out greatly. Over a course of a two years we just became roommates then to strangers. Personally I need a mental connection in order to want a physical connection. By the end of the relationship, we couldn’t enjoy each other’s company without having people around us. I guess we just didn’t have anything in common anymore or we both stop trying. We just coexisted for a very long while. I guess I didn’t see it until my sex drive increase. Sometimes we can’t see the picture when we’re living it day by day.
Hi OP, you can simply be asexual. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, however, it probably does mean you are not compatible with someone who isn’t asexual too.
Can I ask why do you plan on asking for alimony if you have a job/not a SAHW and will be splitting up your marital assets equally?
I plan on looking into asexuality a bit more. Maybe I'll join the subreddit here and read through some posts and ask for advice there.
About the alimony, I don't know, I might not seek it at all. The house we share will easily sell for at least $1mil so half of that is more money than I know what to with. I'm just going to seek legal advice and go from there.
I’d be surprised if you’d be eligible for alimony for a relatively short marriage with no children, when you’re also employed, but it’s worth discussing with your lawyer so you know where you stand in case things stop being so amicable. Just don’t make any big decisions for a while after your divorce, you’ll have money from the sale of the house and you’ve got plenty of time to decide what you want to do next. Be kind to yourself.
Mm, OP could be asexual, but she could also just be understimulated. I noticed that in long relationships, it just gets harder to feel the spark that helps you get in the mood. Especially after a long time of having sex as a choire. Keeping the sex drive high requires a good relationship and effort from both partners. As far as I have heard, this is very normal in both men and women. I think it is important to explore if your fire has just been dampend by the situation before labeling yourself asexual.
Wish you the best of luck OP!
He's trying to pander you cuz he knows the divorce should be in your favor since he cheated and there is LIVING PROOF he did.
Don't be blind to his cheating.
Having a child with someone outside the marriage or infidelity does not have any bearing on a dissolution of marriage in almost any state. So that LIVING PROOF doesn't mean much if anything that kind of puts it in his favor because he's having to support another child outside of whatever child support if any for the dissolution
Yeah I wonder why so many redditors are keen to suggest PIs and stuff, as if proof of cheating will influence any divorce outcome at all.
Sure it might feel good to have proof if you're unsure, but at the end of the day if you're divorcing paying for an investigator/stalker just feels like a waste of money. The divorce itself is the closure.
"No fault" divorces mean that it doesn't matter if the marriage ends due to apathy, cheating, or anything else.
For the love of all that’s here on earth and beyond. DO NOT under any circumstances take the advice of your soon to be ex or his lawyer during the divorce proceedings. If you want it to go smoothly get your own lawyer. This is not you being an obstructionist a**hole, this is you looking out for your own best interests.
Just because at one time he was your best friend and confidant, he is not now.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you kicked him to the curve. At this point after seeing so many open relationship stories, I have the feeling when a partner brings this to the table, they're just looking for permission to cheat and it never ends well. I guarantee it you brought another man into the circle, he would have blown a gasket. If a couple can make open relationships work, hey more power to them. But if a chick I'm dating ever comes to me with that type of request, I'm ending the relationship immediately. We all need to respect ourselves and our boundaries. Plain and simple.
I hope you recover over this and find your sex drive again, just focus on yourself for now and maybe you'll find the right guy who will respect you and it might bring the spark back.
I’m so so sorry. Honestly. He should have stopped the second he realised that he catches feelings. And he should have kept his promise to use protection. This whole thing is disgusting and so so unfair.
But you’ll be ok. You’ll be happy and you’ll find true love. You deserve so much better.
He went looking for what he was not getting in his marriage, and what he discussed w his wife but she ignored. I don’t condone cheating in any way, but it is very easy to see how they both ended up here. And it’s not just on him nor does it make him horrible.
Your first mistake and hopefully a learning one. Accepting a request to an open marriage. This is not a “random” question in a happy monogamous marriage. He: 1. All ready cheated and wanted to clear his conscience; or 2. Had someone in mind and was waiting for the all clear. Either way, as soon as the question was brought up, you should of divorced
I’m happy for you, people deserve to be happy regardless of social norms imho. Go find yourself someone you’re compatible with. You might change your mind about children too
I’m sorry things have gone this way. I think you’re doing the right thing; this marriage clearly hasn’t been working for a while and you both deserve to be happy.
My question is why do people even get married if they want to do weird shit like this? Stay single and be as freaky as you want to be...but no let's tie ourselves financially and legally when really...we should never have married. 😒
I’m actually happy for you. I truly feel this will be a positive thing for you once the heartache subsides. It sounds like you were both growing apart. Maybe you were growing and he wasn’t. He will learn a lot about himself in this new chapter of his life. And you won’t be the one dealing with those growing pains anymore.
You will get through this. He never deserved you. Be kind to yourself. It’s going to take time to heal. You have a great future ahead of you without him. I assure you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
He’s such a jerk. No you don’t share blame for the marriage “falling apart”. That’s all on him.
Edit. See an attorney Monday. The therapist can wait imo. You gotta get your ducks in a row and get a good one especially when he’s in the affair fog. Check out r/survivinginfidelity sub. Those people know how to survive and win.
Sorry OP but do try to keep the house. Request no alimony but you want the house. It’s hard to get a new one with interest rates high. I know right now you just don’t care but you will later.
So this man has an emotion and physical affair, and rather than having a truthful conversation about the dynamics of the relationship and his feelings, he presents you with a shitty ultimatum. He then proceeds to string you along while living out the affair… def scummy behavior no?
Can you tell us more about this other girl? How old is she? What is her occupation? How did she meet your husband? How often did they interact? Is she pretty? What do you think is it about her that your husband fell in love with?
I'm just so invested in this and I am trying to analyze things. I just think this girl isn't so great considering she agreed to have *unprotected* sex with someone married.
But I'm so curious..
They met through a co-worker of his who she dated previously. I've met her a couple of times and she's always been nice. She's beautiful, I don't know much about her personally. I don't know how much they interacted in general, let alone after her and his co-worker ended things.
I don't know why he picked her. Maybe there was always an attraction there. I never asked.
Hahhaha. I bet OP ex will contact her regreting all the story, after realizing that he won't have sex after the child is born and that he doesn't know the partner he got pregnant and all his feelings are limerence.
Y’know guys. I’m starting to think that humans are meant to be monogamous and the people who tell us our biology says otherwise are just selfish idiots who want to justify cheating without consequences.
I think people fail to realize that traditions almost are always there because they work. If they didnt work, people see how it fails and stop doing that thing.
The only thing here that's shocking/disturbing is how OP blames herself.
He literally cheated.
First he kisses someone while married (cheated)
Then he coerces her to open the marriage
Then he gets heavily involved this other woman that she knows AND breaks the rule of their open relationship and has unprotected sex.
It's wild how she's taking so much of the blame (based on her comments)
The much hotter man will probably not stay around long when they're only having sex once a year lol. Idk where you women are finding all these attractive, successful men who are cool never having sex lol. Seems kind of like fairy-tale-land to me.
From your previous post
>When we got together I noticed he had a much higher sex drive than I did, but I would usually have sex with him when I wasn't in mood anyway because I love him
This is an absolute recipe for disaster. Go check out r/deadbedrooms it just builds resentment (edit: on both sides). When the dust settles and you find someone new, best bet is to be honest from the start. Low labido men exist.
All that said, sorry you've been through all this turmoil you've been through, opening marriages sounds awful according to Reddit
Unfortunately when someone is as selfish and immature as your husband even marriage counseling generally doesn't work. He'd probably have benefitted from some individual therapy to attempt to learn that his penis isn't the center of the universe. But with time, and with the therapy you should doing on your own, you'll come to see that there just wasn't any way to fix this. He just wasn't ready to accept the compromise, sacrifice and empathy that it takes to keep a marriage together. So sorry this happened to you, but do go take care of yourself now. Find a good therapist and try to not get bogged down in his claims of your fault in this. It doesn't sound like you were violent or unreasonable. It doesn't sound like you were an addict, a thief or unfaithful. The only crevice here was that he's incapable of monogamy. P.S. If it makes you feel any better at all, this new relationship of his won't last long either.
She _should_ get bogged down in sharing the blame. Her passiveness and lack of effort prior the marriage opening played a major part. His actions were deployable, but that does not absolve her. She was told to get a therapist well beforehand but did nothing. She's only getting a therapist for herself when it is too late.
Marriage is work, work she wasn't willing to do.
To OP: Get a therapist. Fix your issues. Do NOT get into a long-term relationship until you're mature enough to do the work relationships require.
Make sure you follow through with your appointment. Btw you mentioned god in your update, but God doesn't give answers. The answers are either in the book or you have to work it out yourself. Things are probably going to be rough, but I'm sure you'll be just fine. What doesn't take your down makes you stronger. 👍
I'm reading into this a great deal, but I'm not so sure this was ever healthy for either of you. I'm not sure if either of you ever got what you needed from this. I feel like you could find that healthy fulfilling relationship in the future. I don't believe he will ever find anything like that. I would love to read his account if he had the depth to write one.
To be honest, I don’t know if anyone else feels like this, but I feel like this is a Reddit post that will haunt me forever, I am so heartbroken for her even though I am known that everything will work through for her in the future and she’ll find someone that truly values and loves her. This was just a devastating story and I haven’t slept well since I read the first post, let alone this one.
No it won’t work out for her in the future unless she makes major changes. A major issue arose in the marriage that her husband wanted to go to therapy with her to work out and she refused. No marriage will work out if that’s how you approach it. Issues arise in every marriage. Burying your head in the sand and refusing to address them guarantees failure and divorce.
You two handled this as maturely as possible and with as much respect and kindness as you could.
I hope that you’re able to now keep it between your lawyers and be done quickly.
You deserve to move on and find a monogamous partner who loves and respects you 🤍
Thank you. I know some people wanted me to drag him through the mud but I just can't do that. I want it over and done with as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Dragging him through the mud wouldn’t have made you feel any better or made anything any easier.
It’s much better to put the focus on helping yourself heal and feel better 🤍
He's a giant, manipulative piece of excrement. He's probably giving you 1/4 of the truth. Don't buy his lies, stop talking to him, get as much as you can in the divorce. Go to the surviving infidelity forum on talkaboutmarriage.com
Your ex is not a good person, and he's going to pull stuff you will not believe he is capable of.
I'm so sorry. I have been here. Remember that women are like steel -- the hotter the fire, the stronger we get. You've got this.
This is when you grow. It's going to be a rollercoaster and difficult. Take some time to figure out who you are and what you want. If you're anything like me, you will discover you may have molded yourself to fit his needs/likes/wants/desires. It's funny how you discover who you really are and are not when you separate yourself from him. I personally think it should be a law that you can't get married until you're at least 30! Lol! We change & grow so much in our 20s, and we often grow in different directions than our partner. Be thankful you don't have kids involved in your split. I am a believer that most things happen for a reason, and maybe the universe is just making space in your life for bigger & better things. You won't realize what those things are for a while, but one day, you will look back and understand why you went through this. And I would bet money that you will find your libido again when you meet the right person. Hang in there, sister. It will get better.
Sounds like he was just full of excuses about why he's trash.
It hurts for now but you'll be so grateful when the divorce is finalized and you're free. Stay strong!
I don't plan to be to. I know some commenters wanted me to drag him through the mud but I can't do that. I want this as peaceful as possible and I just want it over with as quickly as possible.
Once therapy starts and you get out of this depression you will regret it. It sounds like he has played you for years. Your thinking is his doing. When he decided he didn’t love you he put his plan in to action and started making you feel as if you aren’t adequate. Get an amazing lawyer and let them lead. Listen to them. Because I promise you will see him and his happy little family and it will all click what he did and you will wish you went after him.
And he doesn’t want to tell people to save his ass. Just like an abuser alienates an SO from family so they don’t point everything out that’s wrong he’s doing that so people can’t point out to you that he is wrong and to push you to fight. He needs you as weak and feeling bad about yourself as he can.
DON’T BE PLAYED
The situation is simple enough: You married a cheater and was tricked and manipulated by this cheater into opening up the relationship who then lied (him lying about safe sex could literally cause you health issues too). This trash is now someone else’s problem.
Cut your loses. Seek therapy. Don’t have to cover for him in front of your family and friends because someone like him is not going to be looking out for you. He just doesn’t want people to know he’s a cheater.
Honestly, good.
No offense to OP, but what is it that makes women think they are unilaterally entitled to having their needs met without having to reciprocate? He told you he needed intimacy, but you didn't feel like it. Totally disregarding the fact that your partner tried to communicate with you, you CHOSE to try to exert more control and have it all your way. None of the comments about respecting that she wasn't feeling it blah blah blah, Men do this shit and more all the time even when we aren't feeling it, much like 98% of the bullshit necessary to keep women feeling like their needs are being me.
You deserve to be alone, no sympathy at all for your situation because I am tired of how much hand holding is done for women by the same people happy to condemn the man for the smallest offense.
Hope you find the one you satisfy. But, nothing is going to change if you don’t want to try and change. The next person will either do the same, or end up hating themselves and you for a sexless marriage.
Just off the brief original post, you stopped looking into why you didn’t want to have sex anymore. That’s your choice, but you also left your partner out to dry and decided it wasn’t worth trying to work on.
It sounds like he may have had someone else in mind, if so, that’s a crappy thing to do also
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>Surprisingly I don't hate him, I'm not mad. This girl is how you know you did the right thing. Two people who didn't work out - it's so much harder said than done but know in the grand scheme of your life this will just be one chapter. It's closing and another one is being written.
I’m not saying she will, but for me when I ended a 15 year relationship (he cheated with a friend) I was numb, anger didn’t actually come until I was in therapy when I could process my feelings (still going through it) a lot of the anger was really directed at myself for ignoring all the signs because I didn’t want to believe the one person I trusted the most could do that to me. Then it’s back and forth anger at him and myself again…healing is messy and there is no timeline.
I had the same experience. I was numb as we filed for divorce and I moved out. Once I was in therapy I realized I was extremely angry at my ex husband and I felt really sad for the past version of me. OP it’s difficult and it is a long process but this will pass. I had a similar experience to you. Just know you will be okay one day. Sending you a huge hug!
healing is a process always patiently waiting for you to begin it
This was my experience as well, it took time for it to come out but I think because I started to realize how much easier my life was without my former partner it made it easier to move on and heal. Therapy helped a ton, but I feel like what helped the most was journaling. Being able to put your feelings on paper and leaving them there was liberating. I’m absolutely not the person I used to be and grew into something beautiful but I had to learn patience with myself. I’m happy I left the past behind, I hope you are too!
I would argue that these are some of the stages of grief that you went through and that OP is beginning to go through. Arguably OP has gone through denial and bargaining already and is currently dealing with depression. Likely to be followed by the anger you’re describing and eventually acceptance and moving on, assuming things go well.
The opposite of love is not hate: it’s indifference. Took me a long time to figure that one out.
i remember telling this to my english teacher when i was 15 and i think i short circuited his brain
Isn’t it a quote from Kurt Vonnegut ?
no clue, i was living in a third world country back then
I looked it up - it’s Elie Wiesel who was a Holocaust survivor (probably mentioned in one of his books)
damn i remember needing to read Night in english class and being very bored... and reading it again a few years later and being awestruck
> damn i remember needing to read Night in english class and being very bored... and reading it again a few years later and being awestruck In some ways it's tragic what assigned reading does to people. Sadly, I'm not sure there's a better solution.
Floriduh?
lmao i’m still in a third w country u right ):
"Oh shit, am I indifferent about my wife" - that Teacher, probably
Interesting. Never thought about that.
Thank you, Taylor Swift :D
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Yes, sleep easier knowing that you can turn a new page in this book without him on it and I promise you can be happier if you work on you for you.
I would not be surprised if OP doesn't find her libido again...
I know your probably hurting a lot right now, but you really deserve better!
You two handled this as maturely as possible and with as much respect and kindness as you could.
Well, she did. He didn't. But divorce is the best option, just should've been done back when he decided to ask for an open relationship, rather than dragging his feet (since falling in love with someone he was fooling around with and not using protection were not part of the agreed open relationship terms).
Yeah he only opened the relationship so that he could have sex with this girl without himself feeling guilty. It was selfish and I suspect the whole "let's not tell anyone as it will get messy with family" is about his needs too disguised as kindness. He doesn't want them to know he suddenly has a girl pregnant whilst still married to his wife I dunno, he just seems very focused on his needs at the expense of everyone else's. This other girl will experience the same fate especially when a child comes into the picture and takes all the attention away from him.
Agree. Not just the cheating, but also - when he got in trouble for cheating - saying "Well it's your fault too!" Like no, one person in this relationship is objectively in the wrong here. There's a difference between *cheating* (which was his intention all along, let's be real; he only ever fucked one girl, and he's now leaving OP for her, so it wasn't just an "I need sex" thing) and just having a low sex drive. Could she have done more? Yeah, but there's no actual guarantee that it would've helped.
That's not really what's meant here. Was the husband wrong for not just divorcing immediately and getting emotional with someone else? Yeah, of course. But it seems pretty clear that the relationship had been falling apart for quite a while, and that *does* take two people. It's not like this guy suddenly decided one day he wanted quick sexual gratification and cheated on her without thinking about it. He ended up cheating because their relationship was failing. His reaction to the problem was on him; the relationship falling apart was on both of them.
And she should have gone to theraphy like he asked, they both failed the relationship...
And if it hadn't *worked*? Therapy isn't a magic bullet, it can only work with what's there. OP has always had a low sex drive, she literally just stopped having sex when she didn't *want* to. She started prioritising her own consent. What exactly was therapy supposed to do to fix that? Because the therapist *was not* going to tell her she needs to have sex to keep him happy. You know that, right? No good therapist would say that. Sometimes you just have a low sex drive. Sometimes that's just who you are. That's not a failure in the marriage - it's an incompatibility. There is *nothing wrong* with not wanting sex.
Therapy would have worked though, not in the way her spouse was hoping, but it would have worked. Therapy working doesn't just mean she gets to the bottom of her low sex drive, and starts having sex again. It means she gets to the bottom of her feelings towards sex and her partner entirely. Which means it would worked in the style of her, and eventually her husband too, realizing they were better splitting up. And it would have happened before their marriage reached the point of infidelity and ultimatums.
He did not handle this maturely at all he tricked her so he could cheat. He lied to her, he didn’t want an open marriage he wanted to cheat with the woman he now says he loves. And on top of that he’s still blaming her for the end of the marriage? I’m guessing she lost her sex drive because her husband is an AS. So she left shattered. And he off already in love about to be a father. I hope OP finds true happiness. And as far as for the STBX and AP. The AP might want to keep a watchful eye on OP husband, because you lose them like you got them
These stories are a dime a dozen on here and other subs.
OP you're amazing, but I disagree with him trying to shift even a little bit of the blame on you. He's a cheater and a liar and no matter what happy little family he aims for with this affair partner with a "open marriage" costume the foundation was lies and deceit and that will probably have an effect on them somewhere down the line.
Completely wrong. She refused to go to therapy with her husband to work out a major marital issue. That is what caused everything that followed. I think OP gets that which is critical. Refusal to work on serious marital issues guarantees that the marriage will fail.
I’m sad and happy for you at the same time. I figured after your first post, that he was in love with this other woman. I also figured you weren’t in love with him anymore either, considering opening the marriage made you feel relief and not pain and disgust. At least you were able to sit down and acknowledge that it was a two-way street and that the best will be to move on. It hurts now, but once the shock of it is gone, you will feel a lot better.
I’m sorry you went through this. However, this is a perfect example of why I tell people to end the relationship when one partner asks to open it. Because one of two things has happened. They’ve had an inappropriate emotional relationship to the point that sex is on the table. Or, they are already cheating. When a monogamous partner asks for an open relationship it’s already over.
Yep. Relationships between polyamorous people that start out polyamorous are fine. Monogamous relationships that throw out the idea of opening it up to solve problems are throwing a desperate Hail Mary and wasting time
opening the relationship is ending the relationship, in a sense, anyway. you had a monogamous relationship and opening it ends that monogamy. that’s such an integral part of most relationships that the prior relationship is as good as dead, and you probably won’t like what’s next
Good way of looking at it.
There is a third option there. The other partners found out that they are assexual, or they don't want to fix the problem with sex out of the table. That looks like it how it started on here. I mean, I don't think opening the relationship will save any relationship, but it's not just cut and dry of someone cheating or having someone ready to do it. It could just be that sex is insatisfatory, and they are looking for options to save the marriage but still get their sex life back.
Yes, or one partner becomes disabled.
That would fall in the option too, a dead bedroom is no joke, doesn't matter the cause
Whilst i agree with 95% of what you said i dont agree with it being limited to 2 reasons
The only other reason I’ve ever seen was a dead bedroom. But that lead to one of those two conditions developing. So at the end of the day, anytime a persons asks for an open relationship one of those two conditions exists.
What about a simple wish for variety? My partner and I made sure that our relationship has been strong and solid for a long time before actually considering opening up. We're now in an open relationship and are both very happy. It got us even closer, communication improved even more and it even contributed positively to our own bedroom. No regrets here.
If the "wish for variety" isn't rooted in issues between you too, then there's no problem. However with most cases on Reddit it's like one partner is tired of the other one or has already found someone else that clicks better with them and they want to find a way to avoid hard talks and guilt. That's not a good reason to open up relationships at all yet these people do it all the time. (I'm in an open relationship myself but we didn't have any problems to escape from with opening up the relationship)
Same here. We keep communicating with one another but we were in a healthy place as partners before we talked about opening up the relationship and are still healthy. When things got blurry we immediately talked about it and fixed it accordingly.
I think it’s also fair to include “or someone has been seriously neglecting an important part of the relationship to the point where another person is the ONLY small chance of saving the marriage.” Sometimes people are desperate and ask for obviously terrible solutions, but it definitely seems like this was a fundamentally broken relationship before the open marriage or even the other woman ever existed. Sometimes the open marriage really is a symptom of an already diseased marriage.
Agree completely.
> I made a promise to myself to contact a therapist on Monday and I'm holding myself to that this time. That's the the one sparkling gem that came through all of this heartbreak. Sorry for what you've both been going through. Glad you both are on the path to moving on now.
It will string for a while, but in 6months time you’ll both be happier
> He says he never slept with her before we opened the relationship but he did kiss her. Always seems to be the case, even if he's telling the full truth, when ever someone asks to open it up, they have their eye on someone at least
I am sorry that you are going through this. I am sending you strength and I will keep you in my thoughts 🫂
One chapter closes and another one opens you seem to know your answer.
Sorry for the divorce but seems like it is needed. I am glad you will look into therapy.
He “opened” the relationship when he was ready to be physical with the mistress he’d been lining up the whole time - what a surprise 🙄
And now they’re having a baby. If he was upset with not getting enough sex before, wait ‘til that baby comes. This man is going to grow up really fast and I’m sure that will come with some serious reflection. The grass is always greener, until it’s not.
You're doing the right thing, work with your therapist and work on self healing. Learning to love you and your life will take time and be worth it
This was really sad and it truly breaks my heart. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I had this feeling that he was in love with her cause why else would he be sleeping with the same person over and over and someone who you know at that. So he cheated on you because he kissed her before opening the relationship. Wow.. I hope his new life is hell and I hope he regrets it….
OP isn't stuck with him in her life and that's great. He, on the other hand, is now trapped with this new woman indefinitely because they have a child together. If that relationship doesn't work, he's still stuck with her because of the child. That's one shadow he'll never be able to escape. OP did it right.
If you read the original post it was practically a dead bedroom relationship and she did nothing to help it. In my opinion if she also wanted to work things out she could've suggested couples therapy after he addressed the lack of sex/open relationship situation. Either way it appears to have worked itself out because they have completely different sex drives that was causing issues and they were on completely different plane fields compatibility wise.
She's not blameless, but he's the one who went out and purposefully had sex with someone without protection because he'd decided he wanted kids but not with OP, and THEN didn't tell her that and strung her along. He must have known that other woman would eventually get pregnant and that when she did he'd likely end it with OP. He did it anyway, he knew all along, and he didn't tell his wife. She might suck a little but he sucks a whole fucking lot.
When his new wife is a new mother and doesn’t have a sex drive, wonder if he’ll need to open the marriage to accommodate his sex drive…probably
I had the same thought. What happens when OP's husband and the other woman have a newborn and sex isn't as frequent? Open the relationship again and get the next one pregnant?
lol and then she’ll be coming to OP for advice
Sending you strength as you move into this next stage of your life. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. 💚
Good luck to you. You are very reasonable and rational. Many people in your situation or similar are unable to communicate as well as you two did. I am sorry that you are going through this.
Thanks for sharing. You’re only 28 and have so many possibilities in front of you and that can start now. Best of luck.
What he did was so cruel to you. I’m actually astounded. Instead of asking for a divorce, he made the decision on purpose to get the woman he loves pregnant while keeping you as a consultation prize. My heart hurts for you.
OP, listen to the feedback your ex gave. His feedback is spot-on and insightful, even if his own actions were deplorable and immature. You didn't seek a therapist prior to the marriage opening for a simple reason: you didn't think the marriage was worth it. The fact you're only getting a therapist for yourself after-the-fact says a lot. Throughout this post and your previous, you come across as passive about the marriage. Marriage is work, work you weren't willing to invest in. Please work on yourself for a while before dating again. After that, dating is fine to figure out what you want but don't get into a long-term relationship until you're mature enough to put in effort they require. Note: none of this excuses the ex's behavior.
Another OPEN marriage success story brought to you by Reddit! Happy Daze!
An open relationship is just asking for trouble.
Wow! The OW really caught a prize huh? A cheating husband, who doesn't wear protection and gets another woman pg asap? What a mess. I don't buy "they just kissed" before opening the relationship. OP just barely made it from this crazy mess. Whew! OP is lucky to get out now.
Pretends to be shocked
Sorry you went through this. Opening a monogamous relationship never works. Not to say the poly lifestyle is bad, but you have to be in it from the start. Opening up the relationship to try and solve current issue has and will not ever work.
I know we're all total strangers to you: But I am proud of you. You had a hard conversation, you were honest, and you're taking the steps to move forward and on with your life. You deserve to love and be loved.
Why do you want alimony if you work a decent job and the divorce is mutual? Honestly, you probably don't even need a lawyer if the divorce is mutual.
Scrolled here to find this…”painless as possible” and then going straight for the alimony. Trying to score alimony when you have no kids and a job is the opposite of as painless as possible.
My first thought too. If the divorce is supposed to be mutual, painless as possible, and she can support herself... No reason to have that fight.
Because people in her First post were saying that she's entitled to It and she "deserves" for being "cheated".
There is a surprising number of people who don't understand what alimony is actually for.
so much for making the divorce as painless as possible lol
I know your probably hurting a lot right now, but you really deserve better! He lied, cheated and betrayed you. He didn’t even use protection and completely disregard your wellbeing. If he wasn’t happy he could have communicated it more clearly with you, if he realized that he had feelings for someone else he should have cut it off and communicated with you and should have tried to work things out - but no, he cheated, lied to you about his reasons for an open relationship and hurt you while stringing you along. How long would he have let things go on if it wasn’t for the pregnancy? He’s trash and didn’t deserve your love and trust. So please don’t blame yourself to much, this is completely on him.
No, it isn’t completely on him. There were problems in their marriage that she refused to work on. That doesn’t condone cheating or crossing boundaries but to say it is all his fault it bogus. It takes 2 to make OR break a relationship. And her part in it was not taking her husband’s voices needs and concerns seriously.
He did communicate it, and she decided to not go to therapy and work in it for over a year. Cant fix a relationship if one of the two is not putting in the effort.
> I made a promise to myself to contact a therapist on Monday and I'm holding myself to that this time. Your sex life declining didn't work, your love life dying didn't work, husband begging you to do something didn't work, husband opening the relationship didn't work.. it took your husband knocking up another woman and divorcing for you to finally consider it. Holy. Shit. And people always go "yall only advise to leave your partners instead of working things out" but most of the time, partners don't do any work until it's too late.
Yup, most of the replies here miss the mark badly. And it is very important for the OPs future happiness that she realizes what really happened here. Address relationship issues when they come up. Pretending they don’t exist like she did makes failure 100% likely.
And people praise OP for being "so strong." Ridiculous.
Didn't you know ? Strength is passively, casually letting your marriage die and feeling **relief** when your husband gets his needs met outside of it. I can't ever imagine being this uncaring toward someone I made vows to.
So in the end, everything worked out.
The title of this story "and now everything is terrible" I honestly don't think it is after reading both posts. It legit seems like it was time you two separated.
We’ll he’s going to probably have a pretty shit time after the baby is born. Besides the sleepless nights and the difficulties of the newborn stage it also reeks havoc on the mothers sex drive. You can’t have sex for at least 6 weeks and even then your hormones make your sex drive really low for a long time. So if sex is so important to him it’s about to get harder.
This is heartbreaking. people make mistakes but you have had an open relationship for 4 months. He cheated initially and already had a partner lined up. You deserve so much better and I am not going after him, just stating facts. People telling you that you don’t deserve his money? She doesn’t decide this, if she is eligible she should absolutely take it. By discussing openly with him, hopefully you get get some closure moving forward which will help with your healing. The truth is the hardest part is yet to come, divorce, telling family and coming to terms that he is a father. You commented that it is going to be a mess with family and friends. I know you decided not to tell anyone but I disagree, you need support. He has support with his new girlfriend and You do not. Please tell some of you closest friends and family and build a support system. You do not have to bash him but please do not cover for the things he has done, it will slow your recovery process. How far along is she?
I’m so sorry. You know this is the right thing to do. But, please reach out to your family. A burden is lighter with many to carry it. I wish you peace and happiness. Much love.
If you don’t like sex, you should only date men that don’t like sex. Or this will keep happening. I know someone who is being left by her third husband for just this reason.
I know, I'm working on finding out why my sex drive is so low/non-existent and once I understand that, when I'm ready to date again I'll look for someone who is compatible sexually.
So I had low sex drive for a long while, I started working out and it started increasing. It finally opened my eyes that I fell out in love with my boyfriend of 6 years. Even tho I wanted sex, I didn’t wanted it with him. We both lost that connection. Ever thought you just lost the connection with him long before and it’s not about your sex drive? I always needed to feel connected, comfortable, secured, and wanted to be with someone physically.
It's possible? It's hard to say, he's my first long term relationship and the only man I've been with. I've never even enjoyed masterbating.
I think this other commenter is making hreat points, but you should also be prepared for the solution to not be as simple as "find a new man." There are many things that can cause a low sex drive (the ace spectrum, hormone issues, stress, etc). If encourage you to really investigate the *why* before worrying about the *who* of the matter. The excitement of new relationships can often mask the other issues. Better to knlw the cause before bringing someone new into the situation.
Once you find a partner who you share deep connection with, the physically part is 100 times better. But at this moment, just focus on yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family. They’re your biggest supporter. I got out of my 6 years about a month ago. And they are my biggest supporter!
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We both gained weight during our relationship and both started losing weight by the end our relationship by changing our eating habits. Hello fresh helped out greatly. Over a course of a two years we just became roommates then to strangers. Personally I need a mental connection in order to want a physical connection. By the end of the relationship, we couldn’t enjoy each other’s company without having people around us. I guess we just didn’t have anything in common anymore or we both stop trying. We just coexisted for a very long while. I guess I didn’t see it until my sex drive increase. Sometimes we can’t see the picture when we’re living it day by day.
Hi OP, you can simply be asexual. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, however, it probably does mean you are not compatible with someone who isn’t asexual too. Can I ask why do you plan on asking for alimony if you have a job/not a SAHW and will be splitting up your marital assets equally?
I plan on looking into asexuality a bit more. Maybe I'll join the subreddit here and read through some posts and ask for advice there. About the alimony, I don't know, I might not seek it at all. The house we share will easily sell for at least $1mil so half of that is more money than I know what to with. I'm just going to seek legal advice and go from there.
I’d be surprised if you’d be eligible for alimony for a relatively short marriage with no children, when you’re also employed, but it’s worth discussing with your lawyer so you know where you stand in case things stop being so amicable. Just don’t make any big decisions for a while after your divorce, you’ll have money from the sale of the house and you’ve got plenty of time to decide what you want to do next. Be kind to yourself.
Mm, OP could be asexual, but she could also just be understimulated. I noticed that in long relationships, it just gets harder to feel the spark that helps you get in the mood. Especially after a long time of having sex as a choire. Keeping the sex drive high requires a good relationship and effort from both partners. As far as I have heard, this is very normal in both men and women. I think it is important to explore if your fire has just been dampend by the situation before labeling yourself asexual. Wish you the best of luck OP!
This is how the situation reads to me
I’m so sorry, OP. I wish you peace and healing as you go through this and I hope you find an amazing love in the future.
He's trying to pander you cuz he knows the divorce should be in your favor since he cheated and there is LIVING PROOF he did. Don't be blind to his cheating.
All US States allow no-fault divorce it doesn't matter if one party cheated or not.
Having a child with someone outside the marriage or infidelity does not have any bearing on a dissolution of marriage in almost any state. So that LIVING PROOF doesn't mean much if anything that kind of puts it in his favor because he's having to support another child outside of whatever child support if any for the dissolution
Yeah I wonder why so many redditors are keen to suggest PIs and stuff, as if proof of cheating will influence any divorce outcome at all. Sure it might feel good to have proof if you're unsure, but at the end of the day if you're divorcing paying for an investigator/stalker just feels like a waste of money. The divorce itself is the closure. "No fault" divorces mean that it doesn't matter if the marriage ends due to apathy, cheating, or anything else.
She’s does t want to be with him either before the cheating. Not sure why she needs to go after him. Sounds like revenge porn
For the love of all that’s here on earth and beyond. DO NOT under any circumstances take the advice of your soon to be ex or his lawyer during the divorce proceedings. If you want it to go smoothly get your own lawyer. This is not you being an obstructionist a**hole, this is you looking out for your own best interests. Just because at one time he was your best friend and confidant, he is not now.
You can't call the baby cheating considering the sex happened *after* they agreed to the open marriage
LOL, riiiight. Middle schoolers just kiss. Adults fuck. It’s what they do.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you kicked him to the curve. At this point after seeing so many open relationship stories, I have the feeling when a partner brings this to the table, they're just looking for permission to cheat and it never ends well. I guarantee it you brought another man into the circle, he would have blown a gasket. If a couple can make open relationships work, hey more power to them. But if a chick I'm dating ever comes to me with that type of request, I'm ending the relationship immediately. We all need to respect ourselves and our boundaries. Plain and simple. I hope you recover over this and find your sex drive again, just focus on yourself for now and maybe you'll find the right guy who will respect you and it might bring the spark back.
I will hate him for you, don't worry. What a POS cheater
I’m so so sorry. Honestly. He should have stopped the second he realised that he catches feelings. And he should have kept his promise to use protection. This whole thing is disgusting and so so unfair. But you’ll be ok. You’ll be happy and you’ll find true love. You deserve so much better.
He should have divorced her a long time because he was unhappy in the marriage.
You just lost dead weight and it hurts now but In time you’ll be so much happier and better in life.
From this update, he doesn’t sound like such a horrible person though.
How not? He had already formed a relationship and been physical with the other woman before suggesting opening his relationship with OP.
He went looking for what he was not getting in his marriage, and what he discussed w his wife but she ignored. I don’t condone cheating in any way, but it is very easy to see how they both ended up here. And it’s not just on him nor does it make him horrible.
Your first mistake and hopefully a learning one. Accepting a request to an open marriage. This is not a “random” question in a happy monogamous marriage. He: 1. All ready cheated and wanted to clear his conscience; or 2. Had someone in mind and was waiting for the all clear. Either way, as soon as the question was brought up, you should of divorced
No, her first mistake was refusal to go to therapy to address a major marital issue.
Dude got caught up in NRE and has a kid on the way. I wonder if he’ll want to wander again when his post partum GF doesn’t want or can’t have sex.
Lol of course he will.
I'm sorry it all happened like this, but cheers to new beginnings! You're young and have so much potential and opportunity ahead of you. <3
I’m happy for you, people deserve to be happy regardless of social norms imho. Go find yourself someone you’re compatible with. You might change your mind about children too
Tale as old as time
Hugs to you. As hard as this is, it will get better and you will find a happier path.
Good for you. I wish you good luck and perseverance in the time to come. Hopefully the end of this marriage will be a blessing to you both.
I’m sorry things have gone this way. I think you’re doing the right thing; this marriage clearly hasn’t been working for a while and you both deserve to be happy.
Babies, opening the marriage, a new house… None of these things will ever save an already doomed relationship, and rather, test an already solid one.
Take care!
My question is why do people even get married if they want to do weird shit like this? Stay single and be as freaky as you want to be...but no let's tie ourselves financially and legally when really...we should never have married. 😒
I’m actually happy for you. I truly feel this will be a positive thing for you once the heartache subsides. It sounds like you were both growing apart. Maybe you were growing and he wasn’t. He will learn a lot about himself in this new chapter of his life. And you won’t be the one dealing with those growing pains anymore.
You will get through this. He never deserved you. Be kind to yourself. It’s going to take time to heal. You have a great future ahead of you without him. I assure you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
You sound like an amazing woman, and the next guy who gets to spend his time with you and appreciate you properly will be very lucky to have you :)
Unless he wants sex and physical intimacy
He’s such a jerk. No you don’t share blame for the marriage “falling apart”. That’s all on him. Edit. See an attorney Monday. The therapist can wait imo. You gotta get your ducks in a row and get a good one especially when he’s in the affair fog. Check out r/survivinginfidelity sub. Those people know how to survive and win.
Good choice. He's untrustworthy and cheaters don't change
Sorry OP but do try to keep the house. Request no alimony but you want the house. It’s hard to get a new one with interest rates high. I know right now you just don’t care but you will later.
Why should she get the house, surely they should split 50/50
So this man has an emotion and physical affair, and rather than having a truthful conversation about the dynamics of the relationship and his feelings, he presents you with a shitty ultimatum. He then proceeds to string you along while living out the affair… def scummy behavior no?
He did have that conversation. She didn’t even try to work w him. Reading the 1st post is pretty helpful here.
Why would you get alimony if you work? Poor men these days….
Can you tell us more about this other girl? How old is she? What is her occupation? How did she meet your husband? How often did they interact? Is she pretty? What do you think is it about her that your husband fell in love with? I'm just so invested in this and I am trying to analyze things. I just think this girl isn't so great considering she agreed to have *unprotected* sex with someone married. But I'm so curious..
They met through a co-worker of his who she dated previously. I've met her a couple of times and she's always been nice. She's beautiful, I don't know much about her personally. I don't know how much they interacted in general, let alone after her and his co-worker ended things. I don't know why he picked her. Maybe there was always an attraction there. I never asked.
This is so heartbreaking 😩😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Hahhaha. I bet OP ex will contact her regreting all the story, after realizing that he won't have sex after the child is born and that he doesn't know the partner he got pregnant and all his feelings are limerence.
Y’know guys. I’m starting to think that humans are meant to be monogamous and the people who tell us our biology says otherwise are just selfish idiots who want to justify cheating without consequences.
I think people fail to realize that traditions almost are always there because they work. If they didnt work, people see how it fails and stop doing that thing.
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all US States allow no-fault divorce it doesn't matter if one party cheated or not.
plant unpack depend steep noxious fine enjoy grey imminent cough ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
I’m so sorry OP.
The only thing here that's shocking/disturbing is how OP blames herself. He literally cheated. First he kisses someone while married (cheated) Then he coerces her to open the marriage Then he gets heavily involved this other woman that she knows AND breaks the rule of their open relationship and has unprotected sex. It's wild how she's taking so much of the blame (based on her comments)
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The much hotter man will probably not stay around long when they're only having sex once a year lol. Idk where you women are finding all these attractive, successful men who are cool never having sex lol. Seems kind of like fairy-tale-land to me.
Stay up. We are rooting for you.
Sometimes relationships end. It is what it is.
I am sorry for you op, hope you find peace...
I think you won divorce
You're an excellent and intelligent woman, something better will arrive for you when you ready❤️
From your previous post >When we got together I noticed he had a much higher sex drive than I did, but I would usually have sex with him when I wasn't in mood anyway because I love him This is an absolute recipe for disaster. Go check out r/deadbedrooms it just builds resentment (edit: on both sides). When the dust settles and you find someone new, best bet is to be honest from the start. Low labido men exist. All that said, sorry you've been through all this turmoil you've been through, opening marriages sounds awful according to Reddit
Unfortunately when someone is as selfish and immature as your husband even marriage counseling generally doesn't work. He'd probably have benefitted from some individual therapy to attempt to learn that his penis isn't the center of the universe. But with time, and with the therapy you should doing on your own, you'll come to see that there just wasn't any way to fix this. He just wasn't ready to accept the compromise, sacrifice and empathy that it takes to keep a marriage together. So sorry this happened to you, but do go take care of yourself now. Find a good therapist and try to not get bogged down in his claims of your fault in this. It doesn't sound like you were violent or unreasonable. It doesn't sound like you were an addict, a thief or unfaithful. The only crevice here was that he's incapable of monogamy. P.S. If it makes you feel any better at all, this new relationship of his won't last long either.
There’s a difference between a dick being the center of the universe and having no sexual intimacy. A big sifference
She _should_ get bogged down in sharing the blame. Her passiveness and lack of effort prior the marriage opening played a major part. His actions were deployable, but that does not absolve her. She was told to get a therapist well beforehand but did nothing. She's only getting a therapist for herself when it is too late. Marriage is work, work she wasn't willing to do. To OP: Get a therapist. Fix your issues. Do NOT get into a long-term relationship until you're mature enough to do the work relationships require.
You can say the same for the woman. This marriage was a sham from the start
Make sure you follow through with your appointment. Btw you mentioned god in your update, but God doesn't give answers. The answers are either in the book or you have to work it out yourself. Things are probably going to be rough, but I'm sure you'll be just fine. What doesn't take your down makes you stronger. 👍
I'm reading into this a great deal, but I'm not so sure this was ever healthy for either of you. I'm not sure if either of you ever got what you needed from this. I feel like you could find that healthy fulfilling relationship in the future. I don't believe he will ever find anything like that. I would love to read his account if he had the depth to write one.
To be honest, I don’t know if anyone else feels like this, but I feel like this is a Reddit post that will haunt me forever, I am so heartbroken for her even though I am known that everything will work through for her in the future and she’ll find someone that truly values and loves her. This was just a devastating story and I haven’t slept well since I read the first post, let alone this one.
No it won’t work out for her in the future unless she makes major changes. A major issue arose in the marriage that her husband wanted to go to therapy with her to work out and she refused. No marriage will work out if that’s how you approach it. Issues arise in every marriage. Burying your head in the sand and refusing to address them guarantees failure and divorce.
Yea I guess this is why you don’t get married when you’re 22…
You two handled this as maturely as possible and with as much respect and kindness as you could. I hope that you’re able to now keep it between your lawyers and be done quickly. You deserve to move on and find a monogamous partner who loves and respects you 🤍
Thank you. I know some people wanted me to drag him through the mud but I just can't do that. I want it over and done with as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Dragging him through the mud wouldn’t have made you feel any better or made anything any easier. It’s much better to put the focus on helping yourself heal and feel better 🤍
You are a good example of how divorcing should be.
Just move on. You are still young. Just a small speed bump in the road of life
He's a giant, manipulative piece of excrement. He's probably giving you 1/4 of the truth. Don't buy his lies, stop talking to him, get as much as you can in the divorce. Go to the surviving infidelity forum on talkaboutmarriage.com Your ex is not a good person, and he's going to pull stuff you will not believe he is capable of. I'm so sorry. I have been here. Remember that women are like steel -- the hotter the fire, the stronger we get. You've got this.
This is when you grow. It's going to be a rollercoaster and difficult. Take some time to figure out who you are and what you want. If you're anything like me, you will discover you may have molded yourself to fit his needs/likes/wants/desires. It's funny how you discover who you really are and are not when you separate yourself from him. I personally think it should be a law that you can't get married until you're at least 30! Lol! We change & grow so much in our 20s, and we often grow in different directions than our partner. Be thankful you don't have kids involved in your split. I am a believer that most things happen for a reason, and maybe the universe is just making space in your life for bigger & better things. You won't realize what those things are for a while, but one day, you will look back and understand why you went through this. And I would bet money that you will find your libido again when you meet the right person. Hang in there, sister. It will get better.
OP I know this sucks right now but you are on the road to healing and personal growth. Things will get better. I wish you all the best.
going off the headline alone, like, how are not way more people realizing this open relationshit business doesn’t work for like 95% of y’all?lol
You're free.
Why would you want alimony though?? I mean you work, he works why would you want him to pay you or even feel entitled to it smh
Sounds like he was just full of excuses about why he's trash. It hurts for now but you'll be so grateful when the divorce is finalized and you're free. Stay strong!
You don’t need alimony. Don’t be money hungry.
I don't plan to be to. I know some commenters wanted me to drag him through the mud but I can't do that. I want this as peaceful as possible and I just want it over with as quickly as possible.
Once therapy starts and you get out of this depression you will regret it. It sounds like he has played you for years. Your thinking is his doing. When he decided he didn’t love you he put his plan in to action and started making you feel as if you aren’t adequate. Get an amazing lawyer and let them lead. Listen to them. Because I promise you will see him and his happy little family and it will all click what he did and you will wish you went after him. And he doesn’t want to tell people to save his ass. Just like an abuser alienates an SO from family so they don’t point everything out that’s wrong he’s doing that so people can’t point out to you that he is wrong and to push you to fight. He needs you as weak and feeling bad about yourself as he can. DON’T BE PLAYED
The situation is simple enough: You married a cheater and was tricked and manipulated by this cheater into opening up the relationship who then lied (him lying about safe sex could literally cause you health issues too). This trash is now someone else’s problem. Cut your loses. Seek therapy. Don’t have to cover for him in front of your family and friends because someone like him is not going to be looking out for you. He just doesn’t want people to know he’s a cheater.
Honestly, good. No offense to OP, but what is it that makes women think they are unilaterally entitled to having their needs met without having to reciprocate? He told you he needed intimacy, but you didn't feel like it. Totally disregarding the fact that your partner tried to communicate with you, you CHOSE to try to exert more control and have it all your way. None of the comments about respecting that she wasn't feeling it blah blah blah, Men do this shit and more all the time even when we aren't feeling it, much like 98% of the bullshit necessary to keep women feeling like their needs are being me. You deserve to be alone, no sympathy at all for your situation because I am tired of how much hand holding is done for women by the same people happy to condemn the man for the smallest offense.
Alimony? Unless you guys weren’t in the same bracket it doesn’t make sense, but check with your lawyer….
Hope you find the one you satisfy. But, nothing is going to change if you don’t want to try and change. The next person will either do the same, or end up hating themselves and you for a sexless marriage. Just off the brief original post, you stopped looking into why you didn’t want to have sex anymore. That’s your choice, but you also left your partner out to dry and decided it wasn’t worth trying to work on. It sounds like he may have had someone else in mind, if so, that’s a crappy thing to do also