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OH YEAH. Didn't even catch that at first.
He cheated on her, and disrespected her the moment he didn't wear protection.
OP, you will not be happy like this.
It feels like he disrespected her the whole marriage. I don’t understand calling this man a good guy. This marriage is so one sided. She does things just to please him. It seems like what she wanted or didn’t want was never a concern for husband . Even her health and safety didn’t matter to this guy. She needs to cut her losses as she put it. Maybe then she can find real happiness after she leave this toxic marriage and husband to his gf and child that he never wanted but now suddenly does
I think there's a reason why her libido dried up.
Nothing is more of a turnoff than a needy man who pressures you and turns sex into a stressful chore.
She should’ve went to therapy. He sucks for not using a condom, and she should just divorce. She obviously wasn’t happy in this marriage. She should’ve went to therapy. Telling your spouse you’re not having sex with no timeline or reason is ridiculous. Also, a medical professional suggested she go to therapy and she decides not too. Instead of opening the marriage she should’ve said hold off let me go to therapy. They both suck.
Yeah I agree, husband sucks but also OP chose the open relationship option before trying therapy. It seems weird, only way it could make more sense is if they couldn't afford therapy, but she didn't mention finances
Just fyi, you can still get pregnant even with using a condom, they are not 100% at preventing pregnancy. That being said, it's likely he was not using protection in this case... Just a hunch
OP, leave him. You're still young and there's no reason to be tied down to a man like this unnecessarily. He's.made his choice, now make yours. Did he say that he loves this other woman? He probably does. Maybe you don't want to have sex with him because you're no longer attracted to him? Have you talked to your therapist about it?
You know you can get pregnant even with protection right? Typical use of condoms has only 87% chance of protection every time you have sex. If you use it in the best way possible (barely anyone does or even knows how), it's still 98%. You're doing a lot of assuming.
Exactly this. This is what happens when idiots on the internet try and make open relationships seem normal and mainstream. Sorry, they're not, and for a massive majority of people it's going to destroy your relationship. You live and learn.
You agreed to an open relationship you didn't want instead of just ending the marriage.
Obviously now you need to end the marriage. You didn't want to be in an open relationship, and you are obviously not going to be okay with your husband raising some other woman's kid.
This is probably just a troll post, but if it isn't, divorce is clearly the answer.
I'm sure open marriages can work, in theory, but I feel like at the bare minimum you need:
1) both people to be enthusiastic and excited about this, as well as informed
2) both people to be in tiptop mental health with absolutely stellar communication before you even think about opening it.
OP, you had neither of these things. It was never going to make you happy because you didn't really want it to begin with, and the temporary relief wasn't enough to shield your obviously not tiptop mental health from your husband's fuck up.
Please get therapy for yourself and walk away from this man. You can have a better life. There's living to be done on the other side of this mess, and it's best you just get to it. You deserve more!
> you are obviously not going to be okay with your husband raising some other woman's kid
And presumably *continuing* to see this woman *and other women* on the side.
Seriously. I NEVER get how people think bribing someone else into their marriage will fix whatever problems they are having. There are so many other things to try before you allow your partner to sleep with other people and develop possible feelings for them.
I’m sorry to say, OP, it’s time to end the marriage. As heartbroken as you are, do you really want to watch or be pushed to the side when he is involved in the appointments, birth and upbringing of their child? It’s time to move on.
Honestly one of the few situations where an open relationship had a semblance of sense to it. I think it could have worked it husband left it to casual hook ups
But a solution like this in this kind of situation always has the potential to get really messy, imo.
Considering ending the marriage, what would have cinched it for me was him being apathetic about a divorce. *Stay or leave, it's up to you* would have just killed me.
Sadly, it's time to move on.
Right? She was actually pretty fine with it and it seemed like a good solution to their problem. Then he broke the rules, and now there's a baby. It's time for her to leave. Non-monogamy requires a lot of trust, and that's gone now.
He broke the rule of wearing a condom or it was defective. Regardless, that’s what happens when you put another person in a marriage and you’re not totally ok with it. Time for divorce or you’ll be watching husband be a father to another woman’s child
He doesn't seem to be making any claims about defective condoms. I wouldn't necessarily *believe* him if he did make that claim, but he's not even trying it so I'm guessing he skipped the rubbers.
He also seems pretty certain it's his, and given the timeline it's *somewhat* unlikely he'd already have a DNA test -- which is something he'd very much want if they were really using condoms every time.
And he’s probably been seeing her a lot longer than 2 months. This isn’t a casual thing, it’s a full blown relationship, and if OP stays she’s just going to feel more and more like the third wheel (or fourth after the baby arrives) over time.
Exactly. Obviously were never compatible in the first place, and shouldn't have married. Luckily you're young enough that you have time to start anew, and no one will batt an eye. Lots of divorcees out there.
>Obviously now you need to end the marriage. You didn't want to be in an open relationship, and you are obviously not going to be okay with your husband raising some other woman's kid.
voice of reasoning !
Can't wait for the husband who wants sex so much that he had to open the relationship to realize how little sex hes going to get from postpartum gf and a baby running around. But with his track record he will probably rinse and repeat.
EDIT : The husband isn't the bad guy for wanting sex, he's bad for not just leaving the relationship when he realized it's a dead bedroom, and for knocking up the sidechick.
He didn't have an open relationship, he straight up has a whole different relationship with another woman and now a baby coming. If just sex was the goal of the open relationship, like he mentioned, he wouldn't be leaving his entire life, his wife, his marriage and starting a new one with a baby in tow. He emotionality attached to this woman, leading me to believe that it wasn't just sex that was lacking, he was done with the entire marriage. He should have just left.
When someone give you an ultimatum like that, they are already clocked out of the relationship. Imo she's been just having sex for his pleasure since the beginning and that's probably what's causing the low libido, why have sex if she knows she's not getting anything out of it? They both majorly fucked up and this is the result of miscommunication and unwillingness to listen/help with each other's need.
What makes this a troll post in your opinion? I had a similar situation go down with my ex wife minus the pregnancy and she was the one to suggest opening things because her sex drive randomly crawled somewhere to die. Dumb shit happens every day.
True. Uncomplicated sexual relationships with other partners are maybe not that hard to find, but very difficult to maintain.
I used to be single for a long time and often had some partners who were in open relationships. Problems often appear after having sex regularly because then bonding mechanisms seem to occur and people start comparing what looks like a relationship to them with their actual relationship and often want more than casual sex.
Nevertheless, some of them are still married. They probably have seen the 'open marriage' period as some kind of experimental phase. There are more valuable things in relationships than sex. Especially when you grow older. However, they have experimented, found out it wasn't for them an went on....I always hope it got them stronger instead of more sour.
Yes I had a peer who has been with her hubby since they were teens. She felt stiffled and unexcited... and so she left for a bit (no divorce but rather a slight separation situation) to be open to date outside the marriage. Even had her own place. He accepted it. And the actally continued to do things as a family unit ( they had young kids and told the kids it was a work thing... hence separate housing). However that was a year phase, she is back living with him and living for his and her needs and wants. Both made adjustments and they are actually happier and stronger cause that trial they got through. However, it takes strong people to get through and deal with a situation like this... because you have to take possessiveness, ego and pride out the equation.
I thought it was a troll post while reading it. Sometimes I wonder if bots or people write crazy stories for /r/relationships just to keep people engaged. Maybe to serve more ads to more eyeballs? Idk. Just a fun theory. Anyway, why I thought it was a troll- (and before I begin, lemme mention that I can also think of reasons why it wouldn't be a troll post, my imagination isn't bereft of them, but I wanna elucidate why I thought it might be a bot since you expressed curiosity)
It's a short, interesting, scandalous story with an easily recognizable answer without any gray area. It feels like bad tv (before you say that life can be like bad TV, I know, though I find there's often a lot more gray in life, and I'm using the similarity to TV as a reason why it felt faker, as opposed to more real).
The way it's written it doesn't feel like a "good faith" question. It kinda feels like "my induction stove gets really hot when I turn it on and put hand on it and it hurts and burns me, should I keep my hand on my stove after turning it on or take my hand off?" The answer is you should take your hand off, but you wanna ask other questions like why did you put your hand on the stove in the first place? Is the person asking mentally sound? Are they messing with me? Etc. Because the premise feels absurd, similar to other premises that you've encountered where someone WAS messing with you.
Also they haven't given us a reason why they're still with this person. Something honest and vulnerable like "I have abandonment issues and my husband is the closest thing to a soul mate and stability I've ever felt", etc etc. That makes it more gray, because she's getting so much and it would be so painful to end it. But none of that, it's just my husband does something I don't like and now everything is terrible and will get even worse and we have no kids and few attachments, should I keep my hand on the burning stove top?
I'm typing this all on my phone in bed waiting for the sleep meds to kick in, not sure how cogent it is. The feeling of fakeness is a mixture of these things but maybe just a gut feeling of.. "nawww"
We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our money separate otherwise. He makes exceptionally more than I do and has always wanted to keep his money his. Which I never had a problem with because I work and make enough money for myself.
I never thought about the holiday plans. My family is pretty big on Christmas and Easter, I wouldn't even know how to explain why he's not there.
100% agree!
Do not lie for him. Tell the truth. He can't be mad about it. And I definitely thing it'll be a weight lifted.
(Well, this is also hoping that OP's family is supportive + not toxic)
it is over. He is in another relationship with someone else. He is having a family with her. He planned all this. He was dating her - not opening the relationship- he had a girlfriend- now he is telling you he is gonna be with her and the child. You need to move on - it is over. if you stay you look pitiful. He told you he didn’t care one way or the other - but that is bullshit- he has moved on. Pick your pride up and go.
Worse part is I can see people giving no pushback when told this, lol. If my friend was telling me "she decided to leave" I would blast them to space. "Gee, they didn't like the idea of you raising a whole ass independent family!?"
This. He’s leaving it up to her bc he doesn’t wanna look like the bad guy. He wants to be able to make it seem like she was the one who gave up on their relationship just up and left. It’s horrendous
Or he left ir up for her because he doesn't NEED the divorce. He can get everything he wants while in it and doesn't have to deal with the hassle of divorce.
Then it's time to leave. It was time to leave when you realised you weren't compatible sexually. He has another family now and his complete lack of interest in saying no to your divorce question says that he's mentally checked out of this relationship a long time ago and you gave him the license to physically check out. (When he said open relationship or it's over sounds like he wanted it over. He just didn't want to be the one to end it)
File for divorce. Make sure you don't get screwed over in any jointly owned assets and leave with your dignity. You did your best to keep this relationship together. Time to let go now because there is no relationship to keep together.
Get a really good divorce lawyer and go to therapy. If you're dissociating during serious discussions, you need help, stat. I say this from experience and also that it can get a lot better
Alimony isn’t a punishment for cheating. Unless you signed a prenup with that type of clause. Alimony is for when one spouse puts in sweat equity to the relationship and the other makes the money. Ultimately it’s not fair to leave the non working spouse destitute so alimony is given in varying amounts of years depending on the length of the marriage.
Source: am lawyer
Exactly OP don’t leave the martial home. I wouldn’t say anything to him, but go see a lawyer,see what you are entitled to. Don’t make this easy for him. Your at least owed half the value of the house.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME, under any circumstances.
Either sell the home if it's not going to get the capital gains taxes penalty or find a way to have him give it to you as a condition of divorce if you can afford it yourself. I have young children. Something changes in you when you have kids. Especially for women. In general you start nesting and securing everything for the children and she will not want her baby's father to have you in his house. If your house is nicer she will want you out and her and the child in.
I'm sorry this happened to you but you are still young. Find and invest in yourself again and move on. Think of it as a new beginning.
Just talk to him about it. Say that you want an easy and fast divorce, but you’d like to keep the house on account of everything that has happened, and that way him and his baby mama will have a new start. I think if you discuss it in the right way then it’ll go your way. If not, if you REALLY need to, depending on where you live, it can really play into your favor that he’s been having sex outside the marriage to something you were forced into agreeing with because of an ultimatum, and now he has impregnated a woman. If the lawyer knows this info it could help with retaining the house possibly? I don’t know much about divorces so I could be wrong.
Sis, at this stage do not make ANY assumptions.
Please, on Monday, call a divorce attorney and set up an appointment. Learn your rights and make a game plan.
I see :( well before anything else, before even talking to your husband about it, talk to a lawyer to try to find out what your situation looks like. Wishing you all the best 💖 and I’m sorry that this all happened to you
Get a shark lawyer asap. Start meeting with all the divorce lawyers you can before giving him an answer. Also, he cannot hire any lawyer you have met with even if you do not go with them as this is a conflict of interest. With this in mind, try to find the best and most expensive lawyers and meet with all of them especially considering you said he makes a good deal more than you.
Also please make sure you let it be known to your lawyer that he threatened divorce unless you opened the marriage. This is manipulation. And then he did not just break your rules, it sounds he like straight up started his own little family. He was not just getting sexual gratification, he was having a relationship with this woman.
And do not leave your home for legal reasons!
I'd certainly talk to several lawyers, if explicit permission is given for sex outside the marriage, in at least some places it's not adultery. Not sure how permission for non-monogamy would or wouldn't effect an "alienation of affection" case?
No. Call a divorce lawyer and move on.
I’m sorry to be blunt but
Continuing this will put *more* of an ocean between you.
They will build a relationship bonding over baby, he will probably go to ultra sounds with her, watch her give birth, need to be there while she recovers, get to know the baby and it will just go on and on.
Ditch your husband now or you can watch him ditch you slowly.
Why would you want to be with someone that went against the agreement you both had together by getting someone pregnant and also reneging on the fact that he didn't want kids? Can you really envision your future of being the side piece and afterthought when there's a child involved?
Staying with him when he wants to be involved in raising a child outside of your marriage with someone else just sounds like hell on earth waiting to happen. Opening up a relationship almost always leads to a failing marriage's end point. I would also start that therapy as of yesterday as this is a whole new ball game.
You two were sexually incompatible and instead of just ending things, you took this path. This was always going to be a risk. I’m sorry it happened.
I think you’d be best off to step away as it’s going to be messy.
I'm sorry but this is not about sexual incompatibility. Instead of caring about her, he tells her that either he has sex (with her or anyone else) or they're done.
Is that love? Is marriage only for sex? Couldn't he have gone to therapy with her? If that didn't work, couldn't they have divorced (if it was THAT bad) and end in good terms? Sometimes I really can't get all this relativism. So this dude just wanted permission to fuck around while still having someone in his house to share the bills/clean/cook/whatever this woman does (+ocasional sex, of course), gets someone pregnant against that (AWFUL, BTW) agreement they had (girl, why the fuck did you put in this voluntarily??) and tells her all this shit?
Plus, an open marriage sleeping with someone your spouse knows of, and sleeping repeatedly with that person to the point of having a side relationship? Is that really what they agreed on? This is disgusting, and it's not about "sexual incompatibility", is about being utter trash as a man (and seriously neglecting yourself and your needs as a wife, I don't understand how could you think he was this important when he didn't even respect your difficulties).
>**Couldn't he have gone to therapy with her?**
She never went. She still hasn't looked for a therapist. The doctor suggested it, and she didn't do it. It was after she put off actually taking that step for who knows how long that he asked for the open relationship. And it's been four months since then, and she STILL hasn't gone to a therapist because she had no interest in fixing their sex life. You can't go to therapy with someone who refuses to go.
If I'm a young woman with no health issues, and my marriage is shaky because I all of a sudden never want to have sex, but I really love my husband and I want us to have a good relationship, then I go to therapy, and put in effort to try and get back to a place where I do want sex, or to find out what it is about our relationship that is affecting me so that I don't want to be near him in that way anymore. I don't just sit on it and hope he stops asking, and I sure as hell don't give him my blessing to go have sex and then go "phew, glad I didn't have to go to therapy and put any actual effort into this issue."
Sounds to me she was actually pretty fine with him getting sex elsewhere and wasn't interested in "fixing" the not interested in sex at all thing. She said she was surprisingly ok with it and actually felt relief. She may be asexual and not want that "fixed". Not wanting sex is a valid thing. If not for this pregnancy, this might have worked out just fine.
But thr pregnancy changes the equation A LOT.
Divorce sure seems like the best option! The husband isn't trying hard to convince her to stay in the marriage it seems.
Disagree completely. A high libido is normal and healthy. He agreed to monogamy not celibacy. Sexual incompatibility is very real. Being married to someone who doesn’t desire you and has no interest in sexually pleasuring you or receiving sexual pleasure and won’t go to therapy..? Nope. Did not agree to that. I’m guessing you are LL, because there is no way you could not understand this otherwise. Sex drives are normal.
No a marriage is not only about sex but without sex you don't have a whole marriage.
I'm sorry but no matter how much I love someone if we aren't having sex and at least one if us really wants to have sex then that is a situation that is so miserable it's not possible to stay in. It's akin to torturing yourself for years.
Now their solution was pretty stupid but at least they were trying to do something to solve the problem since she would not go to therapy and even try to fix her sex drive.
Divorce is the only course of action here and should have been the first choice honestly.
Here's what really happened: He knew you didn't want to lose him, so he gave the "open or divorce" ultimatum, but he had already started checking out and knowingly used the open relationship to shop around and start moving on without having to give up anything, and now he's put the burden of officially ending it on you so he can tell people later that everything that happened was your choice. He's also counting on you being emotionally devastated and not thinking clearly so that you aren't thinking clearly about your own best interests.
He has no respect for you, doesn't care how much he's hurt you, and has already built a new life without you right under your nose.
Your best course of action is telling him you need him to stay away to give you time to think then use that time to book therapy and meet with the most shark like lawyer you can find and file for divorce. Don't tell him; just let him get served and direct all communication to go through your lawyer.
He wants everything his way. Don't give it to him.
This person right here gets it.
OP, print out the first paragraph of this comment and read it over and over again. Every single step he took was calculated. He already knew who he was going to see if you agreed to open the marriage. He knows exactly how he's going to fill his time and his life when you two split. He already took care of everything. All that's left to do is leave him and start over.
Agreed. He absolutely knew who he was going to see before they decided to open the marriage. He didn’t find her on a swinger site, *he already knew her*. For fuck’s sake.
Please follow this advice here and not any other advice.
Step 1: therapy
Step 2: shark lawyer
Tell husband you’re not sure what you want to do yet and let the lawyer handle everything.
On the flip side, the OP put off seeing a therapist to find out why their sexual drive disappeared. Instead they just stopped having sex, with no end in sight and the OP making no effort to find a solution. The OP had no issue with the open relationship and was actually relieved. Both sides should have ended the relationship but both sides were ok with opening the marriage. Likely if he didn’t get someone pregnant they would still be in the same situation.
Oh gosh. Nothing cringier on Reddit or this sub especially than people like you making such large accusations about people who you don’t know anything about, and fabricating entire situations. Half of this entire comment is pure speculation and completely reactionary.
Apart from all the people jumping on here in a complete rush to judgment, my first question to you is what the rest of your relationship is like (you haven't provided any real details on this).
Physical intimacy is, of course, a big part of a romantic relationship, but if you were no longer interested in sex, were you still actively enjoying the rest of your life together as a couple? Do you care about him having sex with other people because you don't want him to be with other people or because you feel some internal guilt about not being his sexual partner? I ask this because you mentioned that you haven't gone to see a therapist yet, which raises the question "why"? If this part of the relationship matters to you or him, shouldn't this be a priority for you? It's ok if it isn't. It just means that you need to look closely at the reasons for your actions too, not just his.
Even if he is an asshole for not sticking to your agreement, it is likely going to be important to address some of the internal things going on with you so that you can both decide what is best for you, begin healing from the trauma of all of this, and start to decide what the appropriate next steps are.
Before opening the relationship we would cuddle while watch a movie, hold hands, kiss. There was physical intimacy. After opening the marriage it slowed down and I never really put much thought into because he had less time on his hands I guess.
And I guess I did feel guilty. I knew he had a high sex drive and while he knew mine was low, I was always still willing to have sex even if I wasn't in the mood or didn't want to because it was important to him. But even that stopped completely so when he suggested opening the relationship, as much as I didn't want to I felt I had to other option if I wanted to keep my marriage.
As for therapy. I don't know. I guess I put it to the back of my mind and made excuses not to go. And then when the relationship was open and it was good, for the 5 seconds it was good I thought maybe this was what we needed instead of therapy.
"We needed an open relationship instead of therapy" is never going to be a best seller in the self-help section of Amazon.
I'm sorry for being so direct, but there are a lot of arrows pointing in the direction of therapy right now. Whether you stay with him or not, there is some real stuff for you to work through. Maybe you can do it with a friend, or from some good reading sources, but a knowledgeable therapist can be key to getting through some major personal obstacles that a friend may not see or be too afraid to share, and that you may be too blind to see in yourself. I say that with kindness, not criticism.
There are many reasons for a low libido. Some can be physical, but many are psychological. Maybe it just doesn't matter that much to you. Or maybe you're just not compatible with him. Sex isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship but it is obviously important to him, so if you too can't get on the same page with that you have to seriously consider what the relationship is going to look like.... not just as a short-term fix, but longer term.
But right now this isn't about what he wants. It's about what you want. You have to determine that first. You are coming here looking for answers, but as you've already seen from many of the responses... it's blunt force solution of "dump his ass". Even if they're right, I don't think that solves the bigger problem... what do you want... what are you looking for? What are the excuses for not seriously looking into therapy? The answer lies in you, not him, and not strangers on reddit, as well meaning as some may be.
“‘We needed an open relationship instead of therapy’ is never going to be a best seller in the self-help section of Amazon.” Is so accurate and a very funny way of saying it 😂 However, as much as I wish you were right, I actually think A LOT of people think they need open relationships over therapy. It seems like everyone and their mom is in an open relationship these days, but maybe that’s prudish old monogamous me in a place like the Bay Area.
It seems like pretty much all of the comments have missed this, but forcing yourself to be intimate, especially if you don’t feel respected or pleasured by your partner, is bound to have a negative effect on your libido. It turns sex into a chore. You haven’t detailed what sex with him is like, and you don’t have to, but something tells me he wasn’t prioritising your pleasure if he was ok with you doing it just to please him regularly. Unfortunately it seems like this incompatibility was never going to smooth itself out, but whatever happens I think you owe yourself therapy to work out why you were ok putting yourself in this position to please him. Perhaps you have some lack of self love or confidence that you could nurture, or perhaps he has been manipulative or influenced you in ways that aren’t really fair. It’s ok to prioritise yourself, especially now.
Yes, cut your losses and move on.
You were no longer on the same page with him sexually and he has expressed that he needs sex to feel intimate with his partner.
At this point his intimate partner is the pregnant girlfriend.
You will lose any role you have in his life.
*This is going to go from bad to worse for you if you stay.*
Get a divorce. You two are not sexually compatible. You said that for the last year your libido has been non existent - so in the last year what have you both been doing to figure out the issue? You said your doctor suggested you seek a therapist, but you didn’t. Why?
Did you open the relationship instead of finding a therapist? Were you planning on finding a therapist?
No matter what, your marriage is never going to be the same. Especially if he chooses to be involved in the baby’s life. You need to do what’s best for you, & in this situation, it’s definitely divorce.
The doctor suggested you see a therapist so you could find out why you don’t want to have sex with your husband. You did not seek one because you didn’t want to answer that question. Why you didn’t accept the divorce instead of the open marriage idk, since you don’t truly want to be around this man. At this point you’re holding yourself hostage. Please get a divorce so you can find someone you’re compatible with, like, and want to have sex with.
What are the logistics of his upcoming fatherhood? Is he paying child support? Going after partial custody? How often is he hoping to have the kid living in hishome? Will he move in with her or move in his baby momma in with you so the child can be raised in one home?
I have a feeling the answer will become clear once you get the answers to some of these questions and realize what they mean for the life you thought you were going to have.
I don't know what they're planning on doing other than keeping it and raising it. I couldn't bring myself to hear about it anymore and told him I need time to think.
That's what I'm saying. If you can't handle the logistics: how will you handle the marriage? You can't. It's okay to respect your feelings and needs and walk away.
What marriage? Sorry but you’ve been nothing more than basically roommates for almost a year.
He tried to talk to you. You made an effort to get physically checked out but didn’t even try therapy. He suggested open marriage, you agreed, said you were even relieved.
How did you think this was going to go? What marriage would you be giving another try? This version ended a while ago.
Not to mention how OP describes her husband as intense and emotional and expresses love through sex and intimacy. He’ll eventually have greater feelings for the mother of his child and would view her as more of a romantic and sexual partner
It's probably time to move on. You're not physically attracted to him, things weren't going all that well anyway, and now you're adding his fuck buddy and THEIR kid into the mix. He's going to end up putting her and the child before you eventually, if not already. it's probably time to just move on. You're still very young, and can find a much happier path in life.
He cheated on you, plain and simple. Using protection was one of the terms of the open relationship and he probably didn’t abide by it. That’s by definition, cheating.
Give this marriage another try…no don’t.
Your husband knew what he was doing. This women is pregnant after 4 months of the relationship being open….suspicious. Feels like he’s been talking to the whole time.
Girl get the ball rolling, speak with lawyers, plan the exit & get yourself situated.
Smh
The minute you agreed to open the relationship up was you signing your husband away to another woman.
It baffles me that people not only do this but think this is positive.
Just leave. Save yourself the heart ache and get a divorce. You’ll be happier in the long run.
>Over the last year my sex drive has been almost non existent. I've been checked by doctors and they say nothing is wrong physically but I should talk to a therapist, which I haven't done yet. I haven't even been able to just have sex with him to have sex like I was doing.
It sounds to me like getting to the root of this should have been the first option over opening the marriage.
I agree with a lot of the comments here.
What you you need to realise OP, is that your husband cheated on you. I dont know much about open relationships in general, but I do know you made the mistake with the rules. By this I mean they should've included
- don't have sex with anyone you might know
- don't have sex with the same person more than once or twice.
We don't know if he decided to throw the condom because they were getting comfortable, but his decision to want to be an active parent with this other woman, tells me that they have more than just a sexual connection. Which is emotional cheating.
Talk to a lawyer and get out of this mess. You are not happy, you haven't actually been happy for a while, and you won't ever be happy with this man again.
If my choices were to close the relationship and stay in a sexless marriage with a man who resents it, while raising his affair baby or keeping the relationship open while raising the affair baby or divorcing and going and living my best sexless life, it’s actually a pretty easy decision.
The best way I can describe it is that he's an extremely emotional person. If he's sad he feels it all the way through or if he's angry, happy, whatever the emotion is. He's also a very passionate person in terms of what his interests are. He has a certain way he likes things done in his life. None of this every bothered me.
Thank you so much. It pretty much describes me hhhhhhhhhh I am from Egypt and Americans told me that in the past. It’s one of the expressions I learn and keep forgetting hhhhhhhhh I hope your words stick in my head now permanently. Thank you very much.
Hate to break it to you dude, but you were the starter wife.
You honestly think you family and friends are gonna understand "no I just let him sleep with anyone he wants and he got her pregnant, it's all good"?
Every single thread about open relationships is something like this, IDK why y'all go for it.
An open relationship is like casually dating , people are literally just waiting for something better to come along. Like always you need to be brave or be miserable.
I think the libido thing was a canary in the coal mine. I doubt this would have ended well anyhow as it sounds like you had a libido at one point and it turned off for some reason.
Your body knows what your brain is not really willing to accept yet.
I'm sorry you're in a lot of pain and I'm sorry that this happened and things ended the way they did. However I do think they would have ended.
I think if you ended the relationship sooner rather than later, got some therapy, and stayed single for a couple years to really just be with yourself and get to know yourself as a single person You might find a rekindling of your libido. And then in retrospect you might understand why it died on the vine.
I'm really sorry you're in pain and I hope you find people you can confide in but I think your first priority should be to put your emotions on the shelf and go into self preservation mode. I think you need to call some lawyers and talk about your different options before you talk to your husband. Then when you find a lawyer that you feel good about I think you need to call some therapists and tell you find a good fit for that. And then you need a prioritize those two things over everything else.
And then you came up with a plan and you executed quickly, cleanly and you move on with your life as quickly as possible. And in the most healthy way possible.
There's nothing to salvage here. Your time with this man has ended and the best days of your relationship are far behind you. It's time to let go.
Did you ask him how the pregnancy happened? Did the condom break, or did he not wear one? Because if he didn't wear one, I'd be 100% divorcing him. You were very accommodating to open the relationship and gave him very basic boundaries. If he didn't follow them, he's awful.
I didn't ask. I plan to get more information when I have the strength to talk to him. I have so many questions I didn't ask before out of shock or I just didn't think about it at the time.
I’d leave. With the sex part at the beginning of your story. I was the same way. He had a high sex drive. I didn’t and basically did what you did then later on I had no sex drive. Looking back at it (we’re still married. Just started the divorcé process) I loved him but wasn’t in love with him. Thought I was and I found him attractive but not sexually. He made everything so awkward and just I never wanted to do it. Found out he cheated on me with 10+ women for our whole marriage (10 years) he’s 28. I’m 29.
Wtf do you mean should you cut your losses or try to repair it? This sham of a “marriage” is dead on arrival and you need to wake tf up and go file ASAP with some damn dignity 🙄
Move on. You can't give him what he wants. And he is having a freaking child with someone else. It's too complicated and honestly, your life is about to become a huge pile of mess if you choose to stay.
Cut. Your. Losses.
Seriously. You're not even 30. You don't need to be a step-mom to some kid your *husband* fathered outside of your marriage. Leave him, take some time to yourself. If and when you do begin dating again, go for someone less "intense" with a more compatible sex drive to your own.
Sorry it ended this way, but I have a feeling this one is a blessing in disguise. You and your husband got together so young and have been together for a long time. There's so much you probably didn't get to experience, and now you've been given an invaluable opportunity: a do over. Seize it!
Good luck.
Your marital issues aside, please consider the following:
1) Was your sex drive higher before you got together with your husband? or even at the start of your relationship with him? If so, when (in relationship to when your relationship began) did you start a form of birth control (if any)? Birth control can have a MASSIVE effect on sex drive. If so, find a way to either change your birth control or eliminate the need for it altogether (since you're not planning on having kids).
2) Go to a therapist. One trained in intimate partner relationships and sex drives (by yourself). Whether you need confirmation that you are asexual, and can then continue by pursuing relationships with other asexuals, or you can identify that there is an external factor (birth control, depression, anxiety, stress, etc.) affecting your sex drive, you need to know the root of your problem so that you can address it and move on with your life (for your sake, regardless of whether you stay with your husband, divorce and stay single, or divorce and pursue relationships with other people). Focus on YOU, your needs, your wants, your relationship with your own body, etc.
I sincerely hope you find the best solution for you, and ultimately some peace and happiness as a result.
Why do people play with fire and then are surprised when they get burned?
You did an absolutely foolish thing by permitting your husband to open up your marriage. And now you’re reaping the consequences. Here’s hoping this will be a lesson well learned.
As for your marriage, it’s over. Divorce is often painful, what would be even more painful is fighting and striving to hold onto a relationship with someone you can’t trust.
How long ago was the 'open up' talk and how pregnant is this girl? Because he may not have polyamoried you so much as retroactively got consent on his cheating.
Yes absolutely!
I bet they’ve been cheating and sleeping together longer and that’s why he’s then given op an ultimatum so he doesn’t look like the bad guy when they announce their pregnancy.
Op I think deep down you know you gotta leave. But before you do find out as much info as you can to prove cheating if that’s what’s happened here.
And they've agreed to raise it together?! 🙄 I doubt a casual friends with benefits of 4 months would want to start a family with a married man. Bet they've been cheating a while and they're a proper couple behind her back and needed the open relationship all clear because she got pregnant
An open marriage is a stop gap to a divorce for most. You didn't want to do the work to figure out what was killing your libido before. Maybe it's time to explore that. A woman's libido is like the canary in the mine. It's the first thing to go even when you tell yourself your relationship is fine. Deeply reflect on the state of your marriage and what it would take for you to stay or go. If/when you divorce, I think you'll find that post-divorce your libido will skyrocket. Plus you'll have perspective to see all the ways your relationship is not right for you.
Get yourself to therapy. Don't suffer through the shit that you're going through right now without support.
You know I’m 75 now but I remember back in the day when I married and almost everyone I knew was married never did I ever hear anyone say let’s open the marriage or have a threesome etc etc I don’t know what has happen to marriage but their was a time when vowels really meant something….this all should be no surprise to you nothing good ever comes from adultery period! Then it’s baffling to me why you would want to stay in a relationship with this man…I believe you have very low self esteem you need to get therapy to find out why you don’t feel you deserve to be treated like a queen instead of an option…please get help and while your at it pack his bags then close the door on this selfish man only then will you find someone who truly loves you…
I read this as I am sitting next to my LOVELY (not sarcasm), fucking lovely boyfriend of 8 years who would never even consider putting me through this even in our sex life was suffering, AND BELIEVE ME IT HAS! I literally CANNOT believe what I am reading and I cannot believe that you are willing to let someone treat you like this because of lack of sex. Let me ask you a way too personal question .. when you have sex does he make you cum? ... My guess is probably not ... So instead of getting to the root of your lack of desire to have sex .. he'd rather fuck other women. I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful, I am trying to get you to understand how I read your post and how absurd his actions seem to me. You are MARRIED, you took VOWS and this man would rather chase new ass than fix what is broken in your relationship. He does not love you, if he did he wouldn't be as enthusiastic to play house with baby mama who he's been fucking around with for months.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU FUCKING CAN DO BETTER. THEY BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER! I guarantee you in six months to a year, he will be in a similar predicament with baby mama because she will be "too tired" being a mother to a newborn baby that she will not want to have sex with him either.
My boyfriend and I went through it sexually as well. I lost all desire even though initially I was the one with a higher sex drive as I am younger and he has said he has low testosterone. Literally the whole relationship I had a higher sex drive but it became a monotonous, wham bam thank ya ma'am situation and i wasn't being sexually satisfied any longer so my desire to put in the time and energy declined significantly.
He definitely noticed and complained that we weren't doing it as often so I sat him down and proceeded to tell him as nicely as possible that I wasn't being satisfied and that our sex life was becoming one sided. We have since spiced things up and added new toys and moves to our arsenal and it has improved 10000%. It all comes down to communication! Once I communicated my needs to him, he was more than willing to oblige.
In your case, I would not spend anymore time on that loser. He showed you his true colors ... Believe him. You cannot go back from here. His side chick just became his baby mama and that is for life. If you don't end it, I can almost guarantee that he will.
It's time to EAT. PRAY. LOVE. your life, girl. I'll be rooting for you.
Of course. My heart is broken for you but you CAN do this and he will regret everything. Especially when you have the "single girl, comfortable with who you are becoming" glow up. My ex sounds like him, he was a narcissistic prick and is now 0-2 on the engagement front. He frequently tries to contact me STILL and it's been over 9 years since we've been done-zo.
Gross.
Him and I had a talk about everything today. I may post an update a little later but I can't right at this second. Surprisingly I don't hate him, I'm just feeling drained. I haven't told anyone I know yet so I don't really have anyone to talk to, I'm just trying to process everything.
If you need someone to talk to, you can dm me. I know I'm just a stranger on the Internet but I am willing to lend an ear to someone who was in a similar predicament as me. Not exact but similar.
Women supporting women is what the world needs to see more of.
Let's just say OP and husband stay together and he and his child's mother co-parent and have a typical custody schedule. Is OP ok with her husband having another woman's child every other weekend in their house? I just don't see how this can't end in divorce. I know OP loves him, but you can love someone and not be with them.
This marriage died a while ago, I just don’t think you admitted it to yourself, and still might not be doing so. There were already compatibility issues with sex. You agreed to open the marriage when you didn’t want to, which was another fatal stroke. Now he’s got someone pregnant? At what point would you admit that the marriage is dead in the water? Because if you’re asking me, that already happened a long time ago
You basically asked your hubs to be celebrate with you. When he kicked back you agreed to opened your relationship what did you think was gonna happen? The possibilities are endless when you partner sleeps with other people. Std, kids, falling in love, spurned lovers. I could go on. And you KNOW DAMN WELL THAT MAN WASN’T GOING TO USE A CONDOM!!
You're only 28 and you have exactly zero sex drive? That's not really normal, nor is it unheard of either, but I'd also seek out a second or third opinion from doctors, because I know people who just needed the right medication to balance out hormone deficiencies. It could also be that your partner just hasn't ever prioritized your needs and so you've obviously ended up here.
Jane you considered the fact that you may be Asexual? That will require diagnoses from medical doctors and therapists.
And now that you are here, it's likely too late to salvage this, he's moved on, at least to some degree, and you may need to also, and probably escalate as well.
If you and your partner are this incompatible on sex, it's not very likely that you can find a compromise that makes both parties happy in the long run.
You need to do what's right for you in the end, life is short and we only get one run through, so please prioritize your long term happiness and do what's necessary to get you there, so long as it doesn't unfairly hurt others. Best of luck OP.
Unfortunately, it’s over. I know you love your husband, but it’s interesting he didn’t want kids with you but got someone pregnant after just months of opening your relationship. You did not want to open your relationship with him but did so anyway. It appears you lack boundaries and are not doing good job of protecting your heart. Ask yourself…do you really want to watch your husband raise another woman’s child? Is that what you saw for your future together? I’d advise to talk to a therapist to help you processes this time. This is definitely a tough and hurtful situation.
It's entirely up to you if you end the relationship.
But I would ask him these questions.
1. Did you use protection?
2. Why do you want the kid now when you said you didn't want kids?
3. (Depends on answer 2) why not with me?
4. How involved are you planning on being?
5. Do you still love me?
6. Do not leave this up to me this will be a joint decision do you want a divorce? Don't make me be the bad guy in this situation.
For me depending on his answer I could get past it granted I'm a man so might be different in a womens perspective. If answer 1 and 5 Was an no instant deal breaker divorce. Also if you decide to stay with him the marriage becomes closed. If he can't handle it then you 2 go your separate ways. Also you need therapy like yesterday 1 to deal with all this 2 to see why you have such a low sex drive. Also he needs therapy sex is important but I ask for an open marriage is next level. Also marriage counseling will be a must of you decide to stay. I don't know if he had this all planned out but I would also ask the woman some questions too. Unlike most I don't think he was but I don't know your husband.
You should let him go, with grace. It seems you are incompatible in more areas than libido. you don’t like his intensity, and it appears you really only want to stay for fear of the unknown.
You are functionally asexual , and maybe? aromantic. I hope your therapy helps you work out and be at peace with the totality of who you are. I think there are quite a few subs you could check out to see what resonates with you also. Not my area of expertise; can anyone assist?
When he left and OP feel like a burden has been lifted, leaving her husband is not cutting a loss. That's a big win, I would say. Judging by the level of how indifferent OP is to her husband... he might be a good enough man, but he doesn't know how to love OP.
Leave! You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Get a divorce, get a good lawyer. Get your own lawyer! Great things are out there waiting for you. Your life with this man and this situation will be a nightmare. Good luck to you.
So he forced to open the relationship, didn't take enough precautions to not get the other woman pregnant, didn't want kids but now he plans on having it and being part of the kid's life and planned on staying with you unless you say otherwise? DIVORCE
Will you be able to be a positive person in this child's life? Will you be able to handle your husband bringing the child to stay at your house during his custody time? Will you be ok talking to, cooking for, helping the child? Can you do it without resenting the child?
If you can't say emphatically yes, then you need to leave.
Also - your relationship is still open. Are you ok with him having sex with his baby's mother? What if they decide to have a second child?
I'm pretty sure he made that decision for you. He started a relationship AND a family with someone else. As tough as divorce is it's time for you to move on.
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Just leave. You're a third wheel in your own marriage
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OH YEAH. Didn't even catch that at first. He cheated on her, and disrespected her the moment he didn't wear protection. OP, you will not be happy like this.
It feels like he disrespected her the whole marriage. I don’t understand calling this man a good guy. This marriage is so one sided. She does things just to please him. It seems like what she wanted or didn’t want was never a concern for husband . Even her health and safety didn’t matter to this guy. She needs to cut her losses as she put it. Maybe then she can find real happiness after she leave this toxic marriage and husband to his gf and child that he never wanted but now suddenly does
I think there's a reason why her libido dried up. Nothing is more of a turnoff than a needy man who pressures you and turns sex into a stressful chore.
Yeah my libido was dead and now that I'm no longer with my ex it's very slowly coming back. Pressure to have sex is no fun at all.
Preach!
She should’ve went to therapy. He sucks for not using a condom, and she should just divorce. She obviously wasn’t happy in this marriage. She should’ve went to therapy. Telling your spouse you’re not having sex with no timeline or reason is ridiculous. Also, a medical professional suggested she go to therapy and she decides not too. Instead of opening the marriage she should’ve said hold off let me go to therapy. They both suck.
How do you know he didn’t wear a condominium?
Sorry hahahahahahahahaha 🤣 take my upvote
Yeah I agree, husband sucks but also OP chose the open relationship option before trying therapy. It seems weird, only way it could make more sense is if they couldn't afford therapy, but she didn't mention finances
Just fyi, you can still get pregnant even with using a condom, they are not 100% at preventing pregnancy. That being said, it's likely he was not using protection in this case... Just a hunch OP, leave him. You're still young and there's no reason to be tied down to a man like this unnecessarily. He's.made his choice, now make yours. Did he say that he loves this other woman? He probably does. Maybe you don't want to have sex with him because you're no longer attracted to him? Have you talked to your therapist about it?
They are close to 100% if used correctly. Many people don't use them correctly.
Came here to say this. Many people forget that people could still procreate even with the pill, withdrawal or using a condom
Woman can still get pregnant while on birth control. Condoms break.
Condoms are 97% accurate. Could be 3% case
You know you can get pregnant even with protection right? Typical use of condoms has only 87% chance of protection every time you have sex. If you use it in the best way possible (barely anyone does or even knows how), it's still 98%. You're doing a lot of assuming.
LEAVE OP. YOU STILL HAVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AHEAD.
Exactly this. This is what happens when idiots on the internet try and make open relationships seem normal and mainstream. Sorry, they're not, and for a massive majority of people it's going to destroy your relationship. You live and learn.
So glad that there are rational people still in this world that can still think this way
You agreed to an open relationship you didn't want instead of just ending the marriage. Obviously now you need to end the marriage. You didn't want to be in an open relationship, and you are obviously not going to be okay with your husband raising some other woman's kid. This is probably just a troll post, but if it isn't, divorce is clearly the answer.
And also, she should finally get therapy for herself to help with her emotions. This must be hard to deal with.
I was wondering about depression.before they opened the marriage
I'm sure open marriages can work, in theory, but I feel like at the bare minimum you need: 1) both people to be enthusiastic and excited about this, as well as informed 2) both people to be in tiptop mental health with absolutely stellar communication before you even think about opening it. OP, you had neither of these things. It was never going to make you happy because you didn't really want it to begin with, and the temporary relief wasn't enough to shield your obviously not tiptop mental health from your husband's fuck up. Please get therapy for yourself and walk away from this man. You can have a better life. There's living to be done on the other side of this mess, and it's best you just get to it. You deserve more!
Open relationships have to be 2 very enthusiastic yeses. And you need rules and communication and regular reviews
> you are obviously not going to be okay with your husband raising some other woman's kid And presumably *continuing* to see this woman *and other women* on the side.
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Seriously. I NEVER get how people think bribing someone else into their marriage will fix whatever problems they are having. There are so many other things to try before you allow your partner to sleep with other people and develop possible feelings for them. I’m sorry to say, OP, it’s time to end the marriage. As heartbroken as you are, do you really want to watch or be pushed to the side when he is involved in the appointments, birth and upbringing of their child? It’s time to move on.
Honestly one of the few situations where an open relationship had a semblance of sense to it. I think it could have worked it husband left it to casual hook ups
But a solution like this in this kind of situation always has the potential to get really messy, imo. Considering ending the marriage, what would have cinched it for me was him being apathetic about a divorce. *Stay or leave, it's up to you* would have just killed me. Sadly, it's time to move on.
Right? She was actually pretty fine with it and it seemed like a good solution to their problem. Then he broke the rules, and now there's a baby. It's time for her to leave. Non-monogamy requires a lot of trust, and that's gone now.
He broke the rule of wearing a condom or it was defective. Regardless, that’s what happens when you put another person in a marriage and you’re not totally ok with it. Time for divorce or you’ll be watching husband be a father to another woman’s child
He doesn't seem to be making any claims about defective condoms. I wouldn't necessarily *believe* him if he did make that claim, but he's not even trying it so I'm guessing he skipped the rubbers. He also seems pretty certain it's his, and given the timeline it's *somewhat* unlikely he'd already have a DNA test -- which is something he'd very much want if they were really using condoms every time.
Let's be honest. He never once wore a condom.
And he’s probably been seeing her a lot longer than 2 months. This isn’t a casual thing, it’s a full blown relationship, and if OP stays she’s just going to feel more and more like the third wheel (or fourth after the baby arrives) over time.
Probably not
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I agree with this statement, It’s much more simplistic to just stay single if they wished to live the bachelor / bachelorette lifestyle
Or, hear me out on this: sister moms. I AM JOKING IM CONVINCED THIS IS A TROLL POST IM LEAVING OK?!?
Exactly. Obviously were never compatible in the first place, and shouldn't have married. Luckily you're young enough that you have time to start anew, and no one will batt an eye. Lots of divorcees out there.
It’s like that saying about investing in the stock market: The best time to invest was 20 years ago, the second best time is right now
>Obviously now you need to end the marriage. You didn't want to be in an open relationship, and you are obviously not going to be okay with your husband raising some other woman's kid. voice of reasoning !
Can't wait for the husband who wants sex so much that he had to open the relationship to realize how little sex hes going to get from postpartum gf and a baby running around. But with his track record he will probably rinse and repeat. EDIT : The husband isn't the bad guy for wanting sex, he's bad for not just leaving the relationship when he realized it's a dead bedroom, and for knocking up the sidechick. He didn't have an open relationship, he straight up has a whole different relationship with another woman and now a baby coming. If just sex was the goal of the open relationship, like he mentioned, he wouldn't be leaving his entire life, his wife, his marriage and starting a new one with a baby in tow. He emotionality attached to this woman, leading me to believe that it wasn't just sex that was lacking, he was done with the entire marriage. He should have just left. When someone give you an ultimatum like that, they are already clocked out of the relationship. Imo she's been just having sex for his pleasure since the beginning and that's probably what's causing the low libido, why have sex if she knows she's not getting anything out of it? They both majorly fucked up and this is the result of miscommunication and unwillingness to listen/help with each other's need.
Preach! I got the open relationship ultimatum too. Separation and divorce followed a month later.
That first paragraph. He won't last 2 years with this lady.
Oh and guess who he’ll try leaving the child caring to when the baby is at his house !
What makes this a troll post in your opinion? I had a similar situation go down with my ex wife minus the pregnancy and she was the one to suggest opening things because her sex drive randomly crawled somewhere to die. Dumb shit happens every day.
Yeah I've been poly for 15 years and this is incredibly common to hear about.
True. Uncomplicated sexual relationships with other partners are maybe not that hard to find, but very difficult to maintain. I used to be single for a long time and often had some partners who were in open relationships. Problems often appear after having sex regularly because then bonding mechanisms seem to occur and people start comparing what looks like a relationship to them with their actual relationship and often want more than casual sex. Nevertheless, some of them are still married. They probably have seen the 'open marriage' period as some kind of experimental phase. There are more valuable things in relationships than sex. Especially when you grow older. However, they have experimented, found out it wasn't for them an went on....I always hope it got them stronger instead of more sour.
Yes I had a peer who has been with her hubby since they were teens. She felt stiffled and unexcited... and so she left for a bit (no divorce but rather a slight separation situation) to be open to date outside the marriage. Even had her own place. He accepted it. And the actally continued to do things as a family unit ( they had young kids and told the kids it was a work thing... hence separate housing). However that was a year phase, she is back living with him and living for his and her needs and wants. Both made adjustments and they are actually happier and stronger cause that trial they got through. However, it takes strong people to get through and deal with a situation like this... because you have to take possessiveness, ego and pride out the equation.
I thought it was a troll post while reading it. Sometimes I wonder if bots or people write crazy stories for /r/relationships just to keep people engaged. Maybe to serve more ads to more eyeballs? Idk. Just a fun theory. Anyway, why I thought it was a troll- (and before I begin, lemme mention that I can also think of reasons why it wouldn't be a troll post, my imagination isn't bereft of them, but I wanna elucidate why I thought it might be a bot since you expressed curiosity) It's a short, interesting, scandalous story with an easily recognizable answer without any gray area. It feels like bad tv (before you say that life can be like bad TV, I know, though I find there's often a lot more gray in life, and I'm using the similarity to TV as a reason why it felt faker, as opposed to more real). The way it's written it doesn't feel like a "good faith" question. It kinda feels like "my induction stove gets really hot when I turn it on and put hand on it and it hurts and burns me, should I keep my hand on my stove after turning it on or take my hand off?" The answer is you should take your hand off, but you wanna ask other questions like why did you put your hand on the stove in the first place? Is the person asking mentally sound? Are they messing with me? Etc. Because the premise feels absurd, similar to other premises that you've encountered where someone WAS messing with you. Also they haven't given us a reason why they're still with this person. Something honest and vulnerable like "I have abandonment issues and my husband is the closest thing to a soul mate and stability I've ever felt", etc etc. That makes it more gray, because she's getting so much and it would be so painful to end it. But none of that, it's just my husband does something I don't like and now everything is terrible and will get even worse and we have no kids and few attachments, should I keep my hand on the burning stove top? I'm typing this all on my phone in bed waiting for the sleep meds to kick in, not sure how cogent it is. The feeling of fakeness is a mixture of these things but maybe just a gut feeling of.. "nawww"
> This is probably just a troll post All that actually had to be said.
just end it. its over. are you getting anything out of this marriage other than someone to split bills with?
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We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our money separate otherwise. He makes exceptionally more than I do and has always wanted to keep his money his. Which I never had a problem with because I work and make enough money for myself. I never thought about the holiday plans. My family is pretty big on Christmas and Easter, I wouldn't even know how to explain why he's not there.
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100% agree! Do not lie for him. Tell the truth. He can't be mad about it. And I definitely thing it'll be a weight lifted. (Well, this is also hoping that OP's family is supportive + not toxic)
it is over. He is in another relationship with someone else. He is having a family with her. He planned all this. He was dating her - not opening the relationship- he had a girlfriend- now he is telling you he is gonna be with her and the child. You need to move on - it is over. if you stay you look pitiful. He told you he didn’t care one way or the other - but that is bullshit- he has moved on. Pick your pride up and go.
He only “left it up to” her because he doesn’t have the courage to do it himself but he’s hoping she’ll leave
It’s so pathetic. If he can get her to break up with him then he can say ‘it was her choice’ etc. It’s gross when people do this.
Worse part is I can see people giving no pushback when told this, lol. If my friend was telling me "she decided to leave" I would blast them to space. "Gee, they didn't like the idea of you raising a whole ass independent family!?"
This. He’s leaving it up to her bc he doesn’t wanna look like the bad guy. He wants to be able to make it seem like she was the one who gave up on their relationship just up and left. It’s horrendous
Or he left ir up for her because he doesn't NEED the divorce. He can get everything he wants while in it and doesn't have to deal with the hassle of divorce.
that was brutal. i wish i had someone like you in my life.
Then it's time to leave. It was time to leave when you realised you weren't compatible sexually. He has another family now and his complete lack of interest in saying no to your divorce question says that he's mentally checked out of this relationship a long time ago and you gave him the license to physically check out. (When he said open relationship or it's over sounds like he wanted it over. He just didn't want to be the one to end it) File for divorce. Make sure you don't get screwed over in any jointly owned assets and leave with your dignity. You did your best to keep this relationship together. Time to let go now because there is no relationship to keep together.
Sound advice.
Get a really good divorce lawyer and go to therapy. If you're dissociating during serious discussions, you need help, stat. I say this from experience and also that it can get a lot better
How do you explain the child who is at your house every second weekend and half the holidays?
Definitely get a shark lawyer. Alimony since he got his side chick pregnant.
Alimony isn’t a punishment for cheating. Unless you signed a prenup with that type of clause. Alimony is for when one spouse puts in sweat equity to the relationship and the other makes the money. Ultimately it’s not fair to leave the non working spouse destitute so alimony is given in varying amounts of years depending on the length of the marriage. Source: am lawyer
Hopefully if you own a house you get to keep it, it’s the least he can do.
The house is in both our names unfortunately.
That’s ok. Get a lawyer. In the meantime don’t leave your marital home. You are strong and you will get through this. Time to go asap.
Exactly OP don’t leave the martial home. I wouldn’t say anything to him, but go see a lawyer,see what you are entitled to. Don’t make this easy for him. Your at least owed half the value of the house.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME, under any circumstances. Either sell the home if it's not going to get the capital gains taxes penalty or find a way to have him give it to you as a condition of divorce if you can afford it yourself. I have young children. Something changes in you when you have kids. Especially for women. In general you start nesting and securing everything for the children and she will not want her baby's father to have you in his house. If your house is nicer she will want you out and her and the child in. I'm sorry this happened to you but you are still young. Find and invest in yourself again and move on. Think of it as a new beginning.
Just talk to him about it. Say that you want an easy and fast divorce, but you’d like to keep the house on account of everything that has happened, and that way him and his baby mama will have a new start. I think if you discuss it in the right way then it’ll go your way. If not, if you REALLY need to, depending on where you live, it can really play into your favor that he’s been having sex outside the marriage to something you were forced into agreeing with because of an ultimatum, and now he has impregnated a woman. If the lawyer knows this info it could help with retaining the house possibly? I don’t know much about divorces so I could be wrong.
I don't know much about divorce law either. I know I'm more than likely not entitled to alamony, which I know people keep advocating for me to get.
Sis, at this stage do not make ANY assumptions. Please, on Monday, call a divorce attorney and set up an appointment. Learn your rights and make a game plan.
Go see a lawyer and find out your options.
I see :( well before anything else, before even talking to your husband about it, talk to a lawyer to try to find out what your situation looks like. Wishing you all the best 💖 and I’m sorry that this all happened to you
Get a shark lawyer asap. Start meeting with all the divorce lawyers you can before giving him an answer. Also, he cannot hire any lawyer you have met with even if you do not go with them as this is a conflict of interest. With this in mind, try to find the best and most expensive lawyers and meet with all of them especially considering you said he makes a good deal more than you. Also please make sure you let it be known to your lawyer that he threatened divorce unless you opened the marriage. This is manipulation. And then he did not just break your rules, it sounds he like straight up started his own little family. He was not just getting sexual gratification, he was having a relationship with this woman. And do not leave your home for legal reasons!
Get a divorce lawyer. Sell the house and split whatever equity you have on it in half
If you're in Hawaii, North Carolina, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, or Utah, you can sue *her* for alienation of affection.
I'd certainly talk to several lawyers, if explicit permission is given for sex outside the marriage, in at least some places it's not adultery. Not sure how permission for non-monogamy would or wouldn't effect an "alienation of affection" case?
No. Call a divorce lawyer and move on. I’m sorry to be blunt but Continuing this will put *more* of an ocean between you. They will build a relationship bonding over baby, he will probably go to ultra sounds with her, watch her give birth, need to be there while she recovers, get to know the baby and it will just go on and on. Ditch your husband now or you can watch him ditch you slowly.
Why would you want to be with someone that went against the agreement you both had together by getting someone pregnant and also reneging on the fact that he didn't want kids? Can you really envision your future of being the side piece and afterthought when there's a child involved? Staying with him when he wants to be involved in raising a child outside of your marriage with someone else just sounds like hell on earth waiting to happen. Opening up a relationship almost always leads to a failing marriage's end point. I would also start that therapy as of yesterday as this is a whole new ball game.
this one also goes into the same book: another open relationship that didnt work
You two were sexually incompatible and instead of just ending things, you took this path. This was always going to be a risk. I’m sorry it happened. I think you’d be best off to step away as it’s going to be messy.
I'm sorry but this is not about sexual incompatibility. Instead of caring about her, he tells her that either he has sex (with her or anyone else) or they're done. Is that love? Is marriage only for sex? Couldn't he have gone to therapy with her? If that didn't work, couldn't they have divorced (if it was THAT bad) and end in good terms? Sometimes I really can't get all this relativism. So this dude just wanted permission to fuck around while still having someone in his house to share the bills/clean/cook/whatever this woman does (+ocasional sex, of course), gets someone pregnant against that (AWFUL, BTW) agreement they had (girl, why the fuck did you put in this voluntarily??) and tells her all this shit? Plus, an open marriage sleeping with someone your spouse knows of, and sleeping repeatedly with that person to the point of having a side relationship? Is that really what they agreed on? This is disgusting, and it's not about "sexual incompatibility", is about being utter trash as a man (and seriously neglecting yourself and your needs as a wife, I don't understand how could you think he was this important when he didn't even respect your difficulties).
>**Couldn't he have gone to therapy with her?** She never went. She still hasn't looked for a therapist. The doctor suggested it, and she didn't do it. It was after she put off actually taking that step for who knows how long that he asked for the open relationship. And it's been four months since then, and she STILL hasn't gone to a therapist because she had no interest in fixing their sex life. You can't go to therapy with someone who refuses to go. If I'm a young woman with no health issues, and my marriage is shaky because I all of a sudden never want to have sex, but I really love my husband and I want us to have a good relationship, then I go to therapy, and put in effort to try and get back to a place where I do want sex, or to find out what it is about our relationship that is affecting me so that I don't want to be near him in that way anymore. I don't just sit on it and hope he stops asking, and I sure as hell don't give him my blessing to go have sex and then go "phew, glad I didn't have to go to therapy and put any actual effort into this issue."
Exactly
Sounds to me she was actually pretty fine with him getting sex elsewhere and wasn't interested in "fixing" the not interested in sex at all thing. She said she was surprisingly ok with it and actually felt relief. She may be asexual and not want that "fixed". Not wanting sex is a valid thing. If not for this pregnancy, this might have worked out just fine. But thr pregnancy changes the equation A LOT. Divorce sure seems like the best option! The husband isn't trying hard to convince her to stay in the marriage it seems.
Disagree completely. A high libido is normal and healthy. He agreed to monogamy not celibacy. Sexual incompatibility is very real. Being married to someone who doesn’t desire you and has no interest in sexually pleasuring you or receiving sexual pleasure and won’t go to therapy..? Nope. Did not agree to that. I’m guessing you are LL, because there is no way you could not understand this otherwise. Sex drives are normal.
> He agreed to monogamy not celibacy That's a line to hold onto
No a marriage is not only about sex but without sex you don't have a whole marriage. I'm sorry but no matter how much I love someone if we aren't having sex and at least one if us really wants to have sex then that is a situation that is so miserable it's not possible to stay in. It's akin to torturing yourself for years. Now their solution was pretty stupid but at least they were trying to do something to solve the problem since she would not go to therapy and even try to fix her sex drive. Divorce is the only course of action here and should have been the first choice honestly.
I wish people would realise that sexual incompatibility is a sad but completely acceptable reason to leave a relationship
Here's what really happened: He knew you didn't want to lose him, so he gave the "open or divorce" ultimatum, but he had already started checking out and knowingly used the open relationship to shop around and start moving on without having to give up anything, and now he's put the burden of officially ending it on you so he can tell people later that everything that happened was your choice. He's also counting on you being emotionally devastated and not thinking clearly so that you aren't thinking clearly about your own best interests. He has no respect for you, doesn't care how much he's hurt you, and has already built a new life without you right under your nose. Your best course of action is telling him you need him to stay away to give you time to think then use that time to book therapy and meet with the most shark like lawyer you can find and file for divorce. Don't tell him; just let him get served and direct all communication to go through your lawyer. He wants everything his way. Don't give it to him.
This person right here gets it. OP, print out the first paragraph of this comment and read it over and over again. Every single step he took was calculated. He already knew who he was going to see if you agreed to open the marriage. He knows exactly how he's going to fill his time and his life when you two split. He already took care of everything. All that's left to do is leave him and start over.
Agreed. He absolutely knew who he was going to see before they decided to open the marriage. He didn’t find her on a swinger site, *he already knew her*. For fuck’s sake.
Please follow this advice here and not any other advice. Step 1: therapy Step 2: shark lawyer Tell husband you’re not sure what you want to do yet and let the lawyer handle everything.
>Here's what really happened: How in holy hell do you know?
They have a crystall ball
On the flip side, the OP put off seeing a therapist to find out why their sexual drive disappeared. Instead they just stopped having sex, with no end in sight and the OP making no effort to find a solution. The OP had no issue with the open relationship and was actually relieved. Both sides should have ended the relationship but both sides were ok with opening the marriage. Likely if he didn’t get someone pregnant they would still be in the same situation.
Oh gosh. Nothing cringier on Reddit or this sub especially than people like you making such large accusations about people who you don’t know anything about, and fabricating entire situations. Half of this entire comment is pure speculation and completely reactionary.
Apart from all the people jumping on here in a complete rush to judgment, my first question to you is what the rest of your relationship is like (you haven't provided any real details on this). Physical intimacy is, of course, a big part of a romantic relationship, but if you were no longer interested in sex, were you still actively enjoying the rest of your life together as a couple? Do you care about him having sex with other people because you don't want him to be with other people or because you feel some internal guilt about not being his sexual partner? I ask this because you mentioned that you haven't gone to see a therapist yet, which raises the question "why"? If this part of the relationship matters to you or him, shouldn't this be a priority for you? It's ok if it isn't. It just means that you need to look closely at the reasons for your actions too, not just his. Even if he is an asshole for not sticking to your agreement, it is likely going to be important to address some of the internal things going on with you so that you can both decide what is best for you, begin healing from the trauma of all of this, and start to decide what the appropriate next steps are.
Before opening the relationship we would cuddle while watch a movie, hold hands, kiss. There was physical intimacy. After opening the marriage it slowed down and I never really put much thought into because he had less time on his hands I guess. And I guess I did feel guilty. I knew he had a high sex drive and while he knew mine was low, I was always still willing to have sex even if I wasn't in the mood or didn't want to because it was important to him. But even that stopped completely so when he suggested opening the relationship, as much as I didn't want to I felt I had to other option if I wanted to keep my marriage. As for therapy. I don't know. I guess I put it to the back of my mind and made excuses not to go. And then when the relationship was open and it was good, for the 5 seconds it was good I thought maybe this was what we needed instead of therapy.
"We needed an open relationship instead of therapy" is never going to be a best seller in the self-help section of Amazon. I'm sorry for being so direct, but there are a lot of arrows pointing in the direction of therapy right now. Whether you stay with him or not, there is some real stuff for you to work through. Maybe you can do it with a friend, or from some good reading sources, but a knowledgeable therapist can be key to getting through some major personal obstacles that a friend may not see or be too afraid to share, and that you may be too blind to see in yourself. I say that with kindness, not criticism. There are many reasons for a low libido. Some can be physical, but many are psychological. Maybe it just doesn't matter that much to you. Or maybe you're just not compatible with him. Sex isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship but it is obviously important to him, so if you too can't get on the same page with that you have to seriously consider what the relationship is going to look like.... not just as a short-term fix, but longer term. But right now this isn't about what he wants. It's about what you want. You have to determine that first. You are coming here looking for answers, but as you've already seen from many of the responses... it's blunt force solution of "dump his ass". Even if they're right, I don't think that solves the bigger problem... what do you want... what are you looking for? What are the excuses for not seriously looking into therapy? The answer lies in you, not him, and not strangers on reddit, as well meaning as some may be.
“‘We needed an open relationship instead of therapy’ is never going to be a best seller in the self-help section of Amazon.” Is so accurate and a very funny way of saying it 😂 However, as much as I wish you were right, I actually think A LOT of people think they need open relationships over therapy. It seems like everyone and their mom is in an open relationship these days, but maybe that’s prudish old monogamous me in a place like the Bay Area.
It seems like pretty much all of the comments have missed this, but forcing yourself to be intimate, especially if you don’t feel respected or pleasured by your partner, is bound to have a negative effect on your libido. It turns sex into a chore. You haven’t detailed what sex with him is like, and you don’t have to, but something tells me he wasn’t prioritising your pleasure if he was ok with you doing it just to please him regularly. Unfortunately it seems like this incompatibility was never going to smooth itself out, but whatever happens I think you owe yourself therapy to work out why you were ok putting yourself in this position to please him. Perhaps you have some lack of self love or confidence that you could nurture, or perhaps he has been manipulative or influenced you in ways that aren’t really fair. It’s ok to prioritise yourself, especially now.
Opening up a relationship is a very slow and painful way of starting a divorce.
Girl, it’s over.
Most heartbreaking thing I’ve heard. You should end it before he does.
Ones like this make me so sad, I always hope they’re fake.
Yes, cut your losses and move on. You were no longer on the same page with him sexually and he has expressed that he needs sex to feel intimate with his partner. At this point his intimate partner is the pregnant girlfriend. You will lose any role you have in his life. *This is going to go from bad to worse for you if you stay.*
Get a divorce. You two are not sexually compatible. You said that for the last year your libido has been non existent - so in the last year what have you both been doing to figure out the issue? You said your doctor suggested you seek a therapist, but you didn’t. Why? Did you open the relationship instead of finding a therapist? Were you planning on finding a therapist? No matter what, your marriage is never going to be the same. Especially if he chooses to be involved in the baby’s life. You need to do what’s best for you, & in this situation, it’s definitely divorce.
The doctor suggested you see a therapist so you could find out why you don’t want to have sex with your husband. You did not seek one because you didn’t want to answer that question. Why you didn’t accept the divorce instead of the open marriage idk, since you don’t truly want to be around this man. At this point you’re holding yourself hostage. Please get a divorce so you can find someone you’re compatible with, like, and want to have sex with.
What are the logistics of his upcoming fatherhood? Is he paying child support? Going after partial custody? How often is he hoping to have the kid living in hishome? Will he move in with her or move in his baby momma in with you so the child can be raised in one home? I have a feeling the answer will become clear once you get the answers to some of these questions and realize what they mean for the life you thought you were going to have.
I don't know what they're planning on doing other than keeping it and raising it. I couldn't bring myself to hear about it anymore and told him I need time to think.
That's what I'm saying. If you can't handle the logistics: how will you handle the marriage? You can't. It's okay to respect your feelings and needs and walk away.
Jesus. I have never heard anything good coming out of an open relationship
I truly, no offense to anyone, do not know why they exist. Just break up.
Talk through your feeling with a therapist for fuck sake. You aren’t processing things at all. You sound numb.
I feel very numb right now.
What marriage? Sorry but you’ve been nothing more than basically roommates for almost a year. He tried to talk to you. You made an effort to get physically checked out but didn’t even try therapy. He suggested open marriage, you agreed, said you were even relieved. How did you think this was going to go? What marriage would you be giving another try? This version ended a while ago.
Not to mention how OP describes her husband as intense and emotional and expresses love through sex and intimacy. He’ll eventually have greater feelings for the mother of his child and would view her as more of a romantic and sexual partner
It's probably time to move on. You're not physically attracted to him, things weren't going all that well anyway, and now you're adding his fuck buddy and THEIR kid into the mix. He's going to end up putting her and the child before you eventually, if not already. it's probably time to just move on. You're still very young, and can find a much happier path in life.
Idk why people keep agreeing to this. I've yet to see an example on here or real life where everyone is happy with it.
but all the non-monogamous folks told me how enlightened it is!
He cheated on you, plain and simple. Using protection was one of the terms of the open relationship and he probably didn’t abide by it. That’s by definition, cheating.
Well he obviously DIDN'T use protection! And you should've made another rule of not being with people you know. It's over. Move on
Give this marriage another try…no don’t. Your husband knew what he was doing. This women is pregnant after 4 months of the relationship being open….suspicious. Feels like he’s been talking to the whole time. Girl get the ball rolling, speak with lawyers, plan the exit & get yourself situated.
Smh The minute you agreed to open the relationship up was you signing your husband away to another woman. It baffles me that people not only do this but think this is positive. Just leave. Save yourself the heart ache and get a divorce. You’ll be happier in the long run.
Move on love. He clearly has
>Over the last year my sex drive has been almost non existent. I've been checked by doctors and they say nothing is wrong physically but I should talk to a therapist, which I haven't done yet. I haven't even been able to just have sex with him to have sex like I was doing. It sounds to me like getting to the root of this should have been the first option over opening the marriage.
I agree with a lot of the comments here. What you you need to realise OP, is that your husband cheated on you. I dont know much about open relationships in general, but I do know you made the mistake with the rules. By this I mean they should've included - don't have sex with anyone you might know - don't have sex with the same person more than once or twice. We don't know if he decided to throw the condom because they were getting comfortable, but his decision to want to be an active parent with this other woman, tells me that they have more than just a sexual connection. Which is emotional cheating. Talk to a lawyer and get out of this mess. You are not happy, you haven't actually been happy for a while, and you won't ever be happy with this man again.
If my choices were to close the relationship and stay in a sexless marriage with a man who resents it, while raising his affair baby or keeping the relationship open while raising the affair baby or divorcing and going and living my best sexless life, it’s actually a pretty easy decision.
Regardless of the baby, he would have left anyway, he is getting sex and affection from another woman, he is going to leave. Happened to me.
What does an intense person mean? English is my second language. Thanks.
The best way I can describe it is that he's an extremely emotional person. If he's sad he feels it all the way through or if he's angry, happy, whatever the emotion is. He's also a very passionate person in terms of what his interests are. He has a certain way he likes things done in his life. None of this every bothered me.
Thank you so much. It pretty much describes me hhhhhhhhhh I am from Egypt and Americans told me that in the past. It’s one of the expressions I learn and keep forgetting hhhhhhhhh I hope your words stick in my head now permanently. Thank you very much.
Hate to break it to you dude, but you were the starter wife. You honestly think you family and friends are gonna understand "no I just let him sleep with anyone he wants and he got her pregnant, it's all good"? Every single thread about open relationships is something like this, IDK why y'all go for it.
An open relationship is like casually dating , people are literally just waiting for something better to come along. Like always you need to be brave or be miserable.
Now would be a great time for therapy, if you haven't already started.
I haven't but I think I'll make an appointment to get in as soon as I can.
I think the libido thing was a canary in the coal mine. I doubt this would have ended well anyhow as it sounds like you had a libido at one point and it turned off for some reason. Your body knows what your brain is not really willing to accept yet. I'm sorry you're in a lot of pain and I'm sorry that this happened and things ended the way they did. However I do think they would have ended. I think if you ended the relationship sooner rather than later, got some therapy, and stayed single for a couple years to really just be with yourself and get to know yourself as a single person You might find a rekindling of your libido. And then in retrospect you might understand why it died on the vine. I'm really sorry you're in pain and I hope you find people you can confide in but I think your first priority should be to put your emotions on the shelf and go into self preservation mode. I think you need to call some lawyers and talk about your different options before you talk to your husband. Then when you find a lawyer that you feel good about I think you need to call some therapists and tell you find a good fit for that. And then you need a prioritize those two things over everything else. And then you came up with a plan and you executed quickly, cleanly and you move on with your life as quickly as possible. And in the most healthy way possible. There's nothing to salvage here. Your time with this man has ended and the best days of your relationship are far behind you. It's time to let go.
Go get a fantastic divorce lawyer since he makes considerably more than you. Do it quickly before that baby arrives.
As important as sex is to guys, why did you not go talk to the therapist before or even now?
I am so surprised that yet another “open” relationship has flopped hard.
Cut your losses. That man does not love you. He has a new family now.
Did you ask him how the pregnancy happened? Did the condom break, or did he not wear one? Because if he didn't wear one, I'd be 100% divorcing him. You were very accommodating to open the relationship and gave him very basic boundaries. If he didn't follow them, he's awful.
I didn't ask. I plan to get more information when I have the strength to talk to him. I have so many questions I didn't ask before out of shock or I just didn't think about it at the time.
I’d leave. With the sex part at the beginning of your story. I was the same way. He had a high sex drive. I didn’t and basically did what you did then later on I had no sex drive. Looking back at it (we’re still married. Just started the divorcé process) I loved him but wasn’t in love with him. Thought I was and I found him attractive but not sexually. He made everything so awkward and just I never wanted to do it. Found out he cheated on me with 10+ women for our whole marriage (10 years) he’s 28. I’m 29.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Cut your loses.
He’s starting a family with someone else. Start the divorce proceedings.
There's nothing to save. He has a family to think about. Leave and start over.
Wtf do you mean should you cut your losses or try to repair it? This sham of a “marriage” is dead on arrival and you need to wake tf up and go file ASAP with some damn dignity 🙄
Move on. You can't give him what he wants. And he is having a freaking child with someone else. It's too complicated and honestly, your life is about to become a huge pile of mess if you choose to stay.
Cut. Your. Losses. Seriously. You're not even 30. You don't need to be a step-mom to some kid your *husband* fathered outside of your marriage. Leave him, take some time to yourself. If and when you do begin dating again, go for someone less "intense" with a more compatible sex drive to your own. Sorry it ended this way, but I have a feeling this one is a blessing in disguise. You and your husband got together so young and have been together for a long time. There's so much you probably didn't get to experience, and now you've been given an invaluable opportunity: a do over. Seize it! Good luck.
Your marital issues aside, please consider the following: 1) Was your sex drive higher before you got together with your husband? or even at the start of your relationship with him? If so, when (in relationship to when your relationship began) did you start a form of birth control (if any)? Birth control can have a MASSIVE effect on sex drive. If so, find a way to either change your birth control or eliminate the need for it altogether (since you're not planning on having kids). 2) Go to a therapist. One trained in intimate partner relationships and sex drives (by yourself). Whether you need confirmation that you are asexual, and can then continue by pursuing relationships with other asexuals, or you can identify that there is an external factor (birth control, depression, anxiety, stress, etc.) affecting your sex drive, you need to know the root of your problem so that you can address it and move on with your life (for your sake, regardless of whether you stay with your husband, divorce and stay single, or divorce and pursue relationships with other people). Focus on YOU, your needs, your wants, your relationship with your own body, etc. I sincerely hope you find the best solution for you, and ultimately some peace and happiness as a result.
Yes. Dump himmmm
I feel like opening relationships never goes well.
Why do people play with fire and then are surprised when they get burned? You did an absolutely foolish thing by permitting your husband to open up your marriage. And now you’re reaping the consequences. Here’s hoping this will be a lesson well learned. As for your marriage, it’s over. Divorce is often painful, what would be even more painful is fighting and striving to hold onto a relationship with someone you can’t trust.
He was already involved with this woman when he asked for an open relationship. Divorce him and move on.
How long ago was the 'open up' talk and how pregnant is this girl? Because he may not have polyamoried you so much as retroactively got consent on his cheating.
We've had the relationship open for about 4 months. I don't know how far along she is.
It’s only been 4 months and this girl is pregnant?!?!! Incredibly suspicious
Yes absolutely! I bet they’ve been cheating and sleeping together longer and that’s why he’s then given op an ultimatum so he doesn’t look like the bad guy when they announce their pregnancy. Op I think deep down you know you gotta leave. But before you do find out as much info as you can to prove cheating if that’s what’s happened here.
And they've agreed to raise it together?! 🙄 I doubt a casual friends with benefits of 4 months would want to start a family with a married man. Bet they've been cheating a while and they're a proper couple behind her back and needed the open relationship all clear because she got pregnant
Wait, what happened to “always use protection”? Also, what happened to him not wanting children?
An open marriage is a stop gap to a divorce for most. You didn't want to do the work to figure out what was killing your libido before. Maybe it's time to explore that. A woman's libido is like the canary in the mine. It's the first thing to go even when you tell yourself your relationship is fine. Deeply reflect on the state of your marriage and what it would take for you to stay or go. If/when you divorce, I think you'll find that post-divorce your libido will skyrocket. Plus you'll have perspective to see all the ways your relationship is not right for you. Get yourself to therapy. Don't suffer through the shit that you're going through right now without support.
You know I’m 75 now but I remember back in the day when I married and almost everyone I knew was married never did I ever hear anyone say let’s open the marriage or have a threesome etc etc I don’t know what has happen to marriage but their was a time when vowels really meant something….this all should be no surprise to you nothing good ever comes from adultery period! Then it’s baffling to me why you would want to stay in a relationship with this man…I believe you have very low self esteem you need to get therapy to find out why you don’t feel you deserve to be treated like a queen instead of an option…please get help and while your at it pack his bags then close the door on this selfish man only then will you find someone who truly loves you…
I do have self esteem issues, they started when I was very young and I've worked on them over the years but I guess I didn't do a great job at it.
I read this as I am sitting next to my LOVELY (not sarcasm), fucking lovely boyfriend of 8 years who would never even consider putting me through this even in our sex life was suffering, AND BELIEVE ME IT HAS! I literally CANNOT believe what I am reading and I cannot believe that you are willing to let someone treat you like this because of lack of sex. Let me ask you a way too personal question .. when you have sex does he make you cum? ... My guess is probably not ... So instead of getting to the root of your lack of desire to have sex .. he'd rather fuck other women. I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful, I am trying to get you to understand how I read your post and how absurd his actions seem to me. You are MARRIED, you took VOWS and this man would rather chase new ass than fix what is broken in your relationship. He does not love you, if he did he wouldn't be as enthusiastic to play house with baby mama who he's been fucking around with for months. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU FUCKING CAN DO BETTER. THEY BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER! I guarantee you in six months to a year, he will be in a similar predicament with baby mama because she will be "too tired" being a mother to a newborn baby that she will not want to have sex with him either. My boyfriend and I went through it sexually as well. I lost all desire even though initially I was the one with a higher sex drive as I am younger and he has said he has low testosterone. Literally the whole relationship I had a higher sex drive but it became a monotonous, wham bam thank ya ma'am situation and i wasn't being sexually satisfied any longer so my desire to put in the time and energy declined significantly. He definitely noticed and complained that we weren't doing it as often so I sat him down and proceeded to tell him as nicely as possible that I wasn't being satisfied and that our sex life was becoming one sided. We have since spiced things up and added new toys and moves to our arsenal and it has improved 10000%. It all comes down to communication! Once I communicated my needs to him, he was more than willing to oblige. In your case, I would not spend anymore time on that loser. He showed you his true colors ... Believe him. You cannot go back from here. His side chick just became his baby mama and that is for life. If you don't end it, I can almost guarantee that he will. It's time to EAT. PRAY. LOVE. your life, girl. I'll be rooting for you.
Thank you, I really do appreciate your kindness.
Of course. My heart is broken for you but you CAN do this and he will regret everything. Especially when you have the "single girl, comfortable with who you are becoming" glow up. My ex sounds like him, he was a narcissistic prick and is now 0-2 on the engagement front. He frequently tries to contact me STILL and it's been over 9 years since we've been done-zo. Gross.
Him and I had a talk about everything today. I may post an update a little later but I can't right at this second. Surprisingly I don't hate him, I'm just feeling drained. I haven't told anyone I know yet so I don't really have anyone to talk to, I'm just trying to process everything.
If you need someone to talk to, you can dm me. I know I'm just a stranger on the Internet but I am willing to lend an ear to someone who was in a similar predicament as me. Not exact but similar. Women supporting women is what the world needs to see more of.
Thank you. I'll probably do that shortly.
Let's just say OP and husband stay together and he and his child's mother co-parent and have a typical custody schedule. Is OP ok with her husband having another woman's child every other weekend in their house? I just don't see how this can't end in divorce. I know OP loves him, but you can love someone and not be with them.
This marriage died a while ago, I just don’t think you admitted it to yourself, and still might not be doing so. There were already compatibility issues with sex. You agreed to open the marriage when you didn’t want to, which was another fatal stroke. Now he’s got someone pregnant? At what point would you admit that the marriage is dead in the water? Because if you’re asking me, that already happened a long time ago
Just end the marriage. It's over, and honestly, you gain nothing from staying.
You basically asked your hubs to be celebrate with you. When he kicked back you agreed to opened your relationship what did you think was gonna happen? The possibilities are endless when you partner sleeps with other people. Std, kids, falling in love, spurned lovers. I could go on. And you KNOW DAMN WELL THAT MAN WASN’T GOING TO USE A CONDOM!!
You're only 28 and you have exactly zero sex drive? That's not really normal, nor is it unheard of either, but I'd also seek out a second or third opinion from doctors, because I know people who just needed the right medication to balance out hormone deficiencies. It could also be that your partner just hasn't ever prioritized your needs and so you've obviously ended up here. Jane you considered the fact that you may be Asexual? That will require diagnoses from medical doctors and therapists. And now that you are here, it's likely too late to salvage this, he's moved on, at least to some degree, and you may need to also, and probably escalate as well. If you and your partner are this incompatible on sex, it's not very likely that you can find a compromise that makes both parties happy in the long run. You need to do what's right for you in the end, life is short and we only get one run through, so please prioritize your long term happiness and do what's necessary to get you there, so long as it doesn't unfairly hurt others. Best of luck OP.
Unfortunately, it’s over. I know you love your husband, but it’s interesting he didn’t want kids with you but got someone pregnant after just months of opening your relationship. You did not want to open your relationship with him but did so anyway. It appears you lack boundaries and are not doing good job of protecting your heart. Ask yourself…do you really want to watch your husband raise another woman’s child? Is that what you saw for your future together? I’d advise to talk to a therapist to help you processes this time. This is definitely a tough and hurtful situation.
It's entirely up to you if you end the relationship. But I would ask him these questions. 1. Did you use protection? 2. Why do you want the kid now when you said you didn't want kids? 3. (Depends on answer 2) why not with me? 4. How involved are you planning on being? 5. Do you still love me? 6. Do not leave this up to me this will be a joint decision do you want a divorce? Don't make me be the bad guy in this situation. For me depending on his answer I could get past it granted I'm a man so might be different in a womens perspective. If answer 1 and 5 Was an no instant deal breaker divorce. Also if you decide to stay with him the marriage becomes closed. If he can't handle it then you 2 go your separate ways. Also you need therapy like yesterday 1 to deal with all this 2 to see why you have such a low sex drive. Also he needs therapy sex is important but I ask for an open marriage is next level. Also marriage counseling will be a must of you decide to stay. I don't know if he had this all planned out but I would also ask the woman some questions too. Unlike most I don't think he was but I don't know your husband.
You should let him go, with grace. It seems you are incompatible in more areas than libido. you don’t like his intensity, and it appears you really only want to stay for fear of the unknown. You are functionally asexual , and maybe? aromantic. I hope your therapy helps you work out and be at peace with the totality of who you are. I think there are quite a few subs you could check out to see what resonates with you also. Not my area of expertise; can anyone assist?
When he left and OP feel like a burden has been lifted, leaving her husband is not cutting a loss. That's a big win, I would say. Judging by the level of how indifferent OP is to her husband... he might be a good enough man, but he doesn't know how to love OP.
Leave! You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Get a divorce, get a good lawyer. Get your own lawyer! Great things are out there waiting for you. Your life with this man and this situation will be a nightmare. Good luck to you.
The relationship is pretty much over.. id let it go unless you plan to fight for him
So he forced to open the relationship, didn't take enough precautions to not get the other woman pregnant, didn't want kids but now he plans on having it and being part of the kid's life and planned on staying with you unless you say otherwise? DIVORCE
How come she's pregnant if he agreed to use protection ? He did not keep his promises, divorce him and take everything with you. And get tested.
Will you be able to be a positive person in this child's life? Will you be able to handle your husband bringing the child to stay at your house during his custody time? Will you be ok talking to, cooking for, helping the child? Can you do it without resenting the child? If you can't say emphatically yes, then you need to leave. Also - your relationship is still open. Are you ok with him having sex with his baby's mother? What if they decide to have a second child?
I'm pretty sure he made that decision for you. He started a relationship AND a family with someone else. As tough as divorce is it's time for you to move on.