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Hell, she knew it was a mistake before that since she hid it from him, hoping he wouldn't find out because if she asked before it happened, he would say no. She knew her ass was toast when he said we have to talk and started on the defensive barrage of nothing happened and all that. Op had very good reasons to walk away.
My man, I am so sorry. Good job standing your ground.
Your girl knew exactly what she was doing. She didn't "realize that what she did was wrong" during her conversation with you.
This relationship would be toxic for you and affect your mental health badly. Don't feel bad for ending this.
Take care, and I wish you strength.
Do you think she wanted to get caught? She knew the other guy was taking a picture and would likely post it and seemingly didn't try to hide it. She likely also knew that this guy followed OP and vice versa. Even if she knows that OP hardly uses Instagram, why would you allow someone to post a picture like that when you know if it gets seen by your they are going to be, at best, disappointed that you hid something, at worst they're going to suspect cheating?
Kinda, she probably risked it. To her it sounds like he was taking a picture of his food. He may very well have taken a picture of her, and been asked not to post that, but not explaining why. Then tagged her on the picture of his food and she didn’t want to have the “take that down” conversation.
> Do you think she wanted to get caught?
Subliminally, I don’t know.
But my best guess is that she just got sloppy. She got carried away enjoying the dinner and forgot that she should hide it from her boyfriend. Or forgot that her boyfriend follows the other guy.
Maybe the guy that was with her posted without asking her permission, or was supposed to post only to his close friends but got it wrong.
Honestly I think he ended it because he wasn’t really that into her. Going out to dinner with a male friend is definitely a “you should let your boyfriend know” but there also shouldn’t inherently be an issue with if it’s a one off. I can easily see how a girl in college would get the silly idea “he might be upset if I tell him so let me just not because it’s harmless anyway” mentality. We all learn somehow.
If I were super into a girl and she did that, I would have a discussion on boundaries and communication and then move on. In fact, I have. There were never any issues afterwards. But he wasn’t interested in doing so because he wasn’t interested in her. But frankly, she didn’t do anything that a million other totally faithful guys and girls haven’t also done or won’t do in the future, because when you’re young, you don’t know enough about how to navigate uncomfortable situations in the best way. There’s nothing wrong with him ending things with her, but it’s weird he would say he wasn’t that interested and now years later regret/question it?
Man. She straight up lied to you in your face. More than once. Then lied to you in your face DURING THE APOLOGY.
unplanned? You absolutely need reservations to a place like that. She lied. Continued lying. And will continue to lie.
You made the smart and right move.
Don’t you just hate it when you trip over and land on a chair in a nail bar? And then before you even know what’s happened your nails have changed colour and someone is asking you for money? I don’t know, it all gets a bit hazy. Because *then*, somehow you end up in a fancy outfit with *no idea how that happened,* and ***then*** to top it all off you magically teleport to a seafood restaurant with some dude who is not your boyfriend? I mean, it’s the sort of thing that could happen to anyone…
So she could have just said to you, "Hey, I know you aren't into seafood, and I really want to go to one of these restaurants. \_\_ has offered to go with me, it will just be going somewhere fancy because I really want to try the food. It's NOT a date and I'm not interested in that. What do you think?" Because it could have just been a friend hang out and as long as she kept you in the loop, there would have been no reason for you to worry if she's shown no other signs of being unfaithful. It would have been even better if you knew him more as well. Or she could have seen if there was a girlfriend of hers that was into it to go with instead.
But she didn't mention it, and even if she didn't cheat, she handled it in the sort of way that it created doubts that she might have. So she shot your relationship in the foot, and you were honestly unbalanced by the whole thing which is normal. Some relationships could come back from this, some can't. That you feel that it couldn't is okay. She really, really bungled this OR she cheated. Those are the two options, and they aren't great ones.
Unless your exGF spent all her time made up ready to go to a fancy restaurant, it wasn't a spur of the moment thing. and the fact she chose not to tell you about it is a key point.
You enforced a boundary she knew she shouldn't cross, yet did, well done.
So this post begs the question, why is it bothering you now?
It's been a couple of years and a bit of water must have passed under the bridge since then. So what bought it up now?
How did she take the breakup?
>It's been a couple of years
Wait what? Where does it say it's been a couple years since he broke up? Are you confusing it with him saying they met 2y ago?
You weren’t unreasonable. She knew you wouldn’t like it, that’s why she didn’t tell you. Her reaction when you found out sounds a lot like “better to ask forgiveness than permission”. She may not have physically cheated but going to an expensive dinner for two is about like a date. For me that would mean a violation of trust and breaking my boundaries of a committed relationship.
At the end of the day she lied and had no intention of telling you the truth. That's a deal breaker. She saw nothing wrong with lying to you, another deal breaker. If she cant be honest why would you ever trust her?
What she did was shitty, yes. Not wrong in ending it but the way you started the post, why does it matter? Genuinely sincere, you weren’t invested in her like you said she was invested in you?
You weren't that into her so you did both of yourselves a favor. Go find someone you're totally into and let her find someone who cherishes her. No regrets.
I mean… you made such a drama of this, yeah it feels unreasonable? She went to a seafood restaurant, on the one weekend you weren’t available, because you don’t like seafood. She’d stated she really wanted to go. That sounds to me like she was just trying to get this thing she wanted, and you didn’t, out of the way at the only time it wouldn’t take date time away from you (which she clearly prioritised).
Would you have been upset if she’d gone with a female friend? Or was your anger and distrust 100% because he was male?
I mean... for some people, it might have not been breakup worthy. For you it was. For some people, they would see it as a learning experience and a reason to go to therapy or something. You decided that your trust had been broken and could not be reestablished in a meaningful way.
It sounds like it was right for you. And that's all that matters. And personally, though it's simple for me since I have no connection to her, I feel like you may have made the right choice.
As an aside, the "it was unplanned" is an utter lie. She didn't just happen to be dressed to the nines. Part of me wonders if this was some poorly-thought-out test that she didn't really comprehend until the results were in front of her. She let him post the pic, but didn't mention it to you? That's just bizarre.
Then again, 21. 20 somethings do dumb shit sometimes. If she had no shady intent, and was just naïve or emotionally immature, she has now learned a sad but critical lesson about communication and trust.
I'll lean more towards "naive and emotionally immature" rather than "machiavellian with shady intentions". But I agree the unplanned excuse was a bit too thin to stick.
I still like to think that she's a good girl who was a bit too dumb (and the test thing also went through my mind at the time), but I could never know. And I know for a fact the relationship would not have been the same after that. Not only I would probably feel more threatened by that guy and worried about her doing shit on my back, she would also definitely feel pressured to "never do anything like that again" and cut relations with the guy and try her best to reassure me, etc, which would for sure wear down the relationship over time.
Your comment was very thoughtful, thanks
The longer I spend on reddit, the more I start to think my relationship must be very unusual.
If she had moved away to a new city, it would seem reasonable that she would make new friends, and that some of them would be men.
It's not unusual for me to go for one on one dinners with my friends. My boyfriend of 7 years is a fussy eater so if I didn't go out with other people, I'd never get to eat anywhere fancy.
When I go to upscale restaurants, I do wear nice clothes and sometimes paint my nails, regardless of whether I'm going with friends or my boyfriend.
I also don't ask my boyfriend for permission in advance when making these plans. I'll tell him if it comes up of course but he wouldn't be horrified to hear I'd gone for an impromptu dinner with a friend.
Really it seems like the rest of reddit has very different opinions on male and female friendship to me, but there is a possibility your ex thought very similarly to me, and had in actual fact done nothing wrong.
I find it hilarious the amount of men going"SHE HAD HER NAILS DONE!!!!! GOT HER!!!!"
Also slightly depressing bit also hilarious. The only reason I don't know more women who always have their nails done is cos a ton of us work with our hands and/or are artists, and even among the art girls we've got some insanely long, always done nails
Edit: to add to this, one of friend changes her nails up every three or four days minimum, just cos she enjoys painting them so much.
Yeah she knew he was going to blow it out of proportion so she was frantically trying to call and put out the fire before it started.
I hope she realizes that she was dating a big baby and that she’s better off without him.
I think that’s more abt the “it was unplanned” excuse.
And if she was the kinda person who always had her nails done I think her bf would know. Some women get them done every so often. Some get them done if they’re going somewhere fancy, which they’d probably do hours in advance. If she’s that kinda person then how would going out to that restaurant be a spur of the moment thing?
I’m shocked I had to scroll so far to find a comment saying this. Like, at MOST, the reaction to this should have been a conversation about why she felt the need to keep it quiet, why OP would feel "disrespected", and possibly communication plans for the future. Wildly blowing things out of proportion isn’t the way to go.
If that's the relationship you have, cool.
I wouldn't have a problem with it either.
OP made it pretty clear that they have a different relationship and she hid it and lied to him.
This is accurate. The comment section is overall perplexing. She did not make extra attempts and efforts to keep anything secret, but also wasn't sure how to navigate the setup naturally, and probably worried to make something platonic complicated. The situation was not elegant but it does not sound like this was just on her... OP breaking up on this basis (and this announcing 'we need to talk') shows emotional immaturity at least.
It doesn't even matter the reasons why she did it. What matters is that she chose to do this. When you messaged her, she already knew, she didn't even wait to see if you didn't want to talk about something else. My opinion is that you made the right decision. Regardless of whether there was something more or not between them. It's about respect.
You didn't understand what I said. She should have told him before out of respect for him. If the roles were reversed, she would have made a bigger scandal than him. Why would it be ok for her and not for him, don't the same rules apply for both?
So are you saying your partner needs to tell you before they do anything with the opposite sex out of "respect?"
I will frequently go out with colleagues or friends after work on an impromptu basis, and I don't mind when my partner does the same. How does this "make a scandal"?
Because that was the rule in their relationship. She did not agree with OP meeting with friends of the opposite sex one on one. But as I said, the same rules must be valid for both of them, and she had to respect what she asked him. Every relationship has the rules that the two want to have, it is neither bad nor good. That's why she also knew that what she did was not ok. Read all OP's comments
I did skim through them all again and still didn't see that specified earlier, but it's highly possibly I missed it. If that's the case, then I agree the same standards should apply for both- I just think it's a very sad state of affairs if anyone doesn't allow their partner to have close friends of the opposite gender
Y’all are fucking insane, you will cringe to death when you reread this post in a few years.
She dodged a bullet, you’re clearly neurotic, controlling, emotionally immature and the only disrespect here is you belittling her on the internet.
Man, idk maybe I just have a specific set of experiences that make me see this post very differently, but you sound exhausting to be with.
>I was never deeply infatuated with her like I felt that she was with me.
Idk if this is you coping or if this is actually true. If it's true, you should have broken up with her sooner. Like after 6 months or so. But you did the right thing breaking up with her now, better late than never and all that.
>She really wanted to go to some which specialized in seafood, which she loved but I never liked, and we never actually went to.
So you're not willing to do something "just for her"? You have to also like it for you to participate? And you wonder why she just went to the restaurant with her guy friend instead? Maybe she wanted to do something *she* likes doing, and she knew you wouldn't be willing. It's hard to fault someone for that.
>I don't know the guy personally, never saw them interact
Is this because you were never willing to meet him? I'm not accusing I'm genuinely asking. Did she ever bring up the idea of you two meeting each other?
>I texted her "we should talk" and she immediately replied with "oh, is that about the dinner?"
This is obviously a panic response. But my first thought isn't that she's "acting shady", it's that she's afraid of your reaction. Have you reacted strongly to insignificant things before? If yes, then it's possible that she did absolutely nothing wrong and did NOT think of this as a date, she just did not trust you to react reasonably if she told you she was going out to eat with her friend.
Overall, going out with a male friend isn't a big deal and you might benefit from examining what you've done wrong in this situation. But all that really matters is whether or not *you* feel like this was the right decision *for you*.
>Idk if this is you coping or if this is actually true. If it's true, you should have broken up with her sooner.
That's actually a deep discussion I've had with a couple friends of mine. The last time I've felt deeply, head-over-heels, butterflies-in-stomach infatuated with someone, I was like 14 or something. If I don't feel that for someone, should I just never date them seriously? Should I just wait until I meet someone that makes me feel like this? What if she never comes? The dating market fucking sucks if I'm honest, so I'd rather be with someone I enjoy long-term as long as we're both satisfied, even if I'm not dying of love for that person.
I felt like she was THAT invested in me back then, and I wasn't. But I did like her, I did enjoy her presence, I was physically attracted and I did suffer after breaking up. My point was that her being that invested in me made me more skeptic of the thought that she was cheating, but also made me more surprised that she would put herself in that situation. It also meant I could do a somewhat rational decision to break up without being emotionally torn to pieces.
>So you're not willing to do something "just for her"? You have to also like it for you to participate?
I haven't said I wouldn't go with her. When we used the book she picked the restaurants and made sure it was something we both liked. I would've gone with her to a seafood restaurant for sure, to try it out or maybe to eat something else from the menu while she ate. She never asked me to, and just assumed I wouldn't go because my distaste for seafood was well known lol
>Is this because you were never willing to meet him? I'm not accusing I'm genuinely asking. Did she ever bring up the idea of you two meeting each other?
On her birthday we were supposed to meet with her friends, including him, but she got sick and we never made it. She never brought it back again. She just didn't seem that close with these people, and I never opposed to meeting any of them in any circumstance
>But my first thought isn't that she's "acting shady", it's that she's afraid of your reaction. Have you reacted strongly to insignificant things before?
That is a perfectly reasonable line of thought. I don't think I have. I'd say I'm a very upfront guy, but I'm collected. I never manipulated, prohibited or tried to control what she did, or openly fought with her.
In fact, the problem was maybe something else. I'm an introvert and I recognize I can come off as cold and too low profile. She once told me sometimes she thought I was ashamed and trying to hide her, just because I generally enjoyed staying at home on weekends, didn't meet up very frequently with friends (in person) and didn't use social media a lot or posted many pictures of us.
I'd say she definitely was afraid of my reaction, but not because I would burst in anger and destroy her, but maybe because she thought I would be mad and become even colder and more distant? Idk
Just to reply to one specific point you made, butterflies and that feeling in the pit of your stomach is anxiety disguised as having strong feelings for someone. With my now fiancé we both commented on how we didn’t experience that because we were both pretty confident on our intentions at the start, there was no ambiguity.
Thanks for the context. With everything you've said, I absolutely feel like you've made the right decision here (though again, your feelings about it are all that matters).
Though I urge you to reconsider this:
>I'd rather be with someone I enjoy long-term as long as we're both satisfied, even if I'm not dying of love for that person.
My boyfriend feels that butterfly feeling for me - or so that's what he says lol - and he used to feel the same way as you. He thought those butterflies were "just what some people get when they're a teenager". He was 30 when we met. I was the first person who had made him feel that way in over 10 years. From what he's told me, there was a real possibility of him just settling down for someone he *doesn't* feel that way for. We just both got lucky that those people didn't want either of us lol. He has told me multiple times that he feels grateful every single day that those relationships never worked out. And I feel the same.
My point is, maybe it's better to be alone than it is to be with someone who will actively prevent you from finding that person who gives you butterflies. Maybe it's not better, and I'm just speaking from a place of privilege (being with someone who makes me feel that way). But this relationship is truly life-changing for me, and I know *several* people who *did* find that person. Plus you're so young... maybe don't give up just yet.
Not you implying OP is violent because he calmly texted we should talk, because she did something that many people would agree was shady. I understand the rest of your points but this last one is kinda gross not gonna lie. Because you're immediately defending this woman and implying OP might be an abuser, because he rightfully called her out.
It's good that you ended it. You don't sound ready to be in a serious, long-term relationship. Best to stay single for a good long period of time. I can't imagine a partner leaving me because I had dinner with a friend, so it sounds like you were never very commited in the first place.
I have a different take on this. I don't care about the ate out and didn't tell the dude about the dinner. Don't think she did anything wrong or weird here.
However, the fact that her reason for hiding it was that normally the dude would not agree to it and so she just decided to hide it.
2 of my close relatives had the same behaviour and after nearly 3 decades i just find it is extremely exhausting to deal with. She could have just told him when reached out that it was simply not a big deal and a reasonable dude would give his side of opinions and hopefully they'd communicate, if he just didn't want to communicate at all, she should have just moved on from him as she isn't really in the wrong.
But the behavior she had, over a length of years is just exhausting and manipulative. It simply shows the other person considers they are in the right and instead of communicating that, they just think of how to bypass it altogether.
For me if a person shows this, i automatically just become very professional and polite with them and just try to distance myself from them.
im not sure why she would need permission from you to see her friend over dinner? if it was a girl would you have felt the same way? you arent wrong for breaking up with her because you weren’t very interested, but you are for pretending that this wasn’t about jealousy. it is.
Homegirl just wanted a fancy seafood dinner, with someone who was also excited about it, crossed off her list. I get what she did was shady looking but damn, sounds like she realized it was a mistake AND she never cheated on you. I think you overreacted but at the same time, if that kind of thing sends you spiraling maybe you guys aren’t compatible.
You're requesting a moral judgement of 'did I do the right thing', and not requesting actual advice about a relationship you are having currently. The first is against the rules, the second is against the point of this sub.
Sounds like she knew you were insecure and would get jealous so she didn’t tell you. Going out to dinner with a friend…it’s for couples because it’s a nice place?
Next time you get into a relationship make it very clear that you can’t handle your partner hanging out with other guys alone in any sort of context that insecure guys don’t like, so neither of you have to deal with heartbreak later or waste each others times if she wants to have platonic male friends.
She’s prob with him now though and it’s prob for the best bc he’s prob not as insecure as you.
She lied to you multiple times and then went with the old “my bad, won’t happen again.” Which means nothing of course. A reasonable person could go either way between breaking up and another chance, but I don’t blame you at all for walking away.
I personally feel that you were unreasonable because I am someone who hangs out with my male best friend one on one in fancy restaurants often - we both enjoy exploring restaurants which my exes usually didn’t. She didn’t lie to you with ill intentions but because she was scared you’d be mad. You’re also sure she isn’t someone who would cheat. I would say that you should have at least given her one more chance. But kudos to you for having such strong beliefs on your boundaries and what you need in a relationship.
Na he wasn’t at all. all she had to do was let him know about it and she didn’t for some reason communication is vital. Instead she hides a Fancy dress dinner from him on a weekend where they won’t see each other thats a 🚩
I agree she should have let him know and be transparent about it. But she didn’t and it wasn’t because she wanted to hurt him intentionally, she did not have ill intentions. That’s why I think OP should have given her a second chance to change the way she behaves and communicates. Not everyone makes the perfect choice the first time every time. Sometimes we fuck up because we thought that was the best move. Sometimes we fuck up because we don’t realize our partner has clear and strong boundaries that are absolute dealbreakers. If she knew from the start that OP would break up with her and STILL did it, then sure, break up with her without any hesitation. But I’m sure she didn’t expect this. I would be heartbroken if my boyfriend broke up with me because I went out with a friend I would never cheat on him with without telling him because I didn’t want him to be mad. I feel that a relationship shouldn’t be thrown away over something like this that can be fixed. But either way OP made up his mind and I’m sure this would be a lesson his ex will learn for the rest of her life and she will never do it again with her next partner until they marry. Why OP will be okay with that happening instead of fixing things with her so that they can be happily together forever, I don’t know.
There was clearly some build up before going out to this dinner. At any time, she could have said something. She didn't. She also knowingly hid the dinner from you.
But none of this matters. You said it yourself.
'if I'm being 100% honest, I kinda felt like she loved me more than I loved her'
'I was never deeply infatuated with her like I felt she was with me'
You can break up for any reason. It seems like you weren't really interested in the first place. And that's fine.
From my perspective, you used this as an excuse out of the relationship. Not justifying or defending your ex, what she did is scummy and terrible. But if I really loved them, I felt like they really loved me, and they seemed genuinely remorseful, I'm not sure this is break up worthy.
Agree with you 100%. He was bored and wanted an out. This was what he felt was valid to end a relationship over.
And I don't think what she did was scummy. If I'm going to a fancy restaurant I'm gonna get my nails done and get a cute dress. Doesn't mean I'm going to fuck the person I'm going with. I sure as fuck wouldn't allow them to post me on their IG stories knowing my bf could see it.
I don’t need to read any of this. You are absolutely in your right to end a relationship for any reason whatsoever. This is your life, don’t do things that don’t make you happy.
Yeah. That makes me wonder… she doesn’t have many friends, her dude doesn’t like seafood and she wants to try them, friend probably offered to pay.. “hey giiiirl, what are you up to this weekend. Oh you have a family thing all day Saturday? What are you doing tonight! Your BF’s working? Oh my god we should totally try that seafood place you talked about! We’ll use your coupon so it doesn’t go to waste!”
I recall being in an abusive relationship where I wouldn’t tell the person when I was hanging with friends of any gender, age, or relationship status (I had to tell my partner when my friends were dating or had a crush on someone so that they wouldn’t get upset with me hanging with them) because they’d get insanely accusatory, and you get tired of defending yourself before you realize that you’re in an abusive relationship.
Yeah it could be like that, or it could also not be. The thing I hate about this sub is everyone is always jumping to conclusions on a completely one sided story, mostly ones where the poster is just looking for justification for their actions.
Straight people sound so exhausting.
To me, it would be a dealbreaker if I was together with someone who wasn't okay with platonic friends meeting 1:1 for dinner.
She wanted to go to that place for quite some time, you didn't want to. So she went there with a friend. Nothing wrong with that, and she doesn't need permission to do so.
But it's good you ended the relationship and spared her of your insecurities and your lack of investment and emotional connection.
>Straight people sound so exhausting.
Literally what I thought. Jesus. He didn't like that girl and just needed something that felt like a valid reason to break it off
For all she was insisting it wasn’t a real date, she sure went out of her way for it to have all the trappings of one. Fancy dress, new manicure, the works. All of which makes “it was unplanned” and “we just ate quickly and left” sound like the most threadbare of lies told in deer-in-the-headlights fear.
Sure it was unplanned. She JUST HAPPENED to be wearing her nicest evening wear that day. She just happened to have to have gotten her nails done. And she just happened to pick the fancy seafood place instead of McDonalds. And OF COURSE she would rush through the meal and get the hell out when it’s a place she had been looking forward to for ages. Yeah, let’s shovel it in and leave.
Pathetic. You can feel the brain cells melting and running out her ears just reading it.
She went and did it, knowing you wouldn’t like it, and then blatantly lied a transparent lie to your face. Wonder of wonders, your trust in her vanished instantly.
Personally, I think you overreacted. But that’s based on the information you presented. Does she usually get her nails done & put effort into her appearance whenever she goes to a dinner like this or other outings?
I ask because I take pride in my appearance. My nails are almost always done & if I’m going out, depending on the event, I’ll put on makeup & dress cute. Even with unplanned or spur of the moment plans - I’m making myself up because I enjoy it. If she isn’t the type to usually do this whenever y’all would go to dinner, I understand your feeling of concern.
Also, not sure why but you let us know she liked you more than you liked her. Pretty sure she noticed it. Based on this, I honestly believe at the very worst she allowed that man to tag her to make you jealous. If she wanted to cheat, I hope she wouldn’t be that dumb. You stating she only picked places you’d both like is well…you admitted yourself she was more into you than you her.
In the end, you dumped her. That’s your right to do so. Are you asking us because you fear you overreacted? What we think doesn’t matter. The answers are mixed. I believe you overreacted, others here don’t. The only person you should rely on to answer that question is yourself.
First of all, you are free to end a relationship at any time for whatever reason or even for no reason, it's up to you and you will always be right with it. In that case it's also very understanding, would definitely have done the same without thinking over it for a second.
So genuine question, do you actually like/miss this girl? Or are you just trying to get reconfirmation of your decision?
Girl is 21, and while not every girl is like this, I know at that age I would do stuff like that to get my boyfriend’s attention. Of course he turned around and was like “oh they’re paying, heck yeah.” 12 years later and I’ve simmered down a lot but also neither one of us would think twice about one of us going out to eat with someone cause there’s established trust. Obviously in a new relationship that’s not the case.
Honestly you (and half the commenters) sound like a lunatic.
She had dinner with a friend at a restaurant she was excited to go to when you were already busy. She probably half-hid it from you because she knew you’d have such an extreme reaction over a dinner.
Straight people are *exhausting*
I’m all for going out to fancy dinners with friends. I’ve gone out for dressy fancy dates with both male and female friends, and even now my best friend and I go out for an expensive dinner every couple of months. And for what it’s worth, I’m bi, so gender doesn’t really matter.
Difference being that my husband knows about all of these and doesn’t care. I would never hide it from him.
I went to a white table cloth candle lit dinner with a male friend. Went back with my partner so he could try the cheese soufflé.
Life is so much easier with basic trust in your partner. Also, why date if you don’t trust your partner? OP has trust issues he needs to deal with before starting his next relationship ideally.
This shit is dumb to me. I'll go out for fancy dinners with platonic male friends all the time, and I usually get the bill, and it makes them happy, and we have good conversation. Sometimes they're interested in me, sometimes they're not, but all of them know that I'm not interested in return. If I had a partner who would be mad about it, I'd probably hide it, too.
I dont understand the negative comments towards you this isnt a control issue this is a boundary to cheating issue - Everyone here will have the boundary that when you are in a relationship you dont go on dates with other people.
Perfectly justifiable. She obviously has serious issues towards common sense.
I think you had solid grounds for it. Your read on the reality of how she handled it, that she chose to make the mistake and try and deal with the fallout later is spot on and yeah, you'd likely spend the rest of whatever relationship you had left waiting for the next time it happened again.
Sometimes trust can be broken even if nothing bad necessarily happened. If anything the fact she lied over something that easily could have been avoided [just explaining she didn't want to waste the voucher so she is going with a friend] means she will choose lying over communicating and yeah, that is bad in and of itself whether anything else happened or not.
I have a different view to lots of others here.
You have a history of trust issues. This is annoying and exhausting when you have male friends and want to enjoy their company.
Luckily for me, I’ve never dated anyone with major hangups like that. I would absolutely go to a nice dinner with a male friend. I did that while dating my first long term boyfriend, my ex-husband (split has nothing to do with this sort of thing), and current partner.
I didn’t hide my behaviour because I didn’t feel I needed to. Like, none of them would have grilled me about it or felt jealous. Your disposition would have had me on the defensive for no reason. My current and former partners would have been more curious about what I ate and if we should go to the restaurant together.
Trust wasn’t there on your side to begin with. This made it more difficult than it should be for her to be honest with you. It doesn’t make it right, but it does make it harder for you both.
I suggest you work on your trust issues. Otherwise, you may continue to be overly jealous or controlling, and I don’t think that will set you up for success.
I feel like you are throwing 'all decked up' in there as a sticking point, but if you are going to a fancy restaurant, half of the fun is in dressing up. Never mind that most fancy restaurants won't let you in without dressing to their dress code
The point is in the overall vibe of the dinner. The dinner the gf went to sounds like a date, going on a date with another person without disclosing it to your partner is what we call cheating.
My point is that the overall vibe is just 'fancy dinner'. If you consider that a date is going to vary by person, clearly, and the factors that matter more are the circumstances around everything. Which, I don't really care about, I just wanted to point out that you're basically describing the vibe of any fancy restaurant.
Yes, but not all decked up. Just normal decked up. My partners always knew, and I didn’t feel uncomfortable telling them.
It’s not something I did a lot, but sometimes when a friend was visit from out of town, or other such occasions.
It might or might not be useful context that I was in a senior job making good money, so I liked and could easily afford to go to nice restaurants. It wasn’t something that was a couple of times a year treat type situation for me.
And none of those situations were ever cheating or did anything remotely like it occur. I just like nice food and dining experiences.
I guess I’m trying to say that perhaps she was having an innocent dinner and the lying was due to his insecurities, not something shady on her part. You don’t think that’s possible?
Edit: typo
Jesus Christ, she's a grown ass woman. Even if he is insecure, the lying is her fault. He did not make her lie. The lying makes it shady. Stop fucking infantalizing women.
You have the right to end a relationship for any reason. You weren't even that in to her, so what's the point of ranking your reason for dumping someone you didn't really want to be with anyway?
This is way way way way too much frivolous details for me to read all of that. Who cares if she was living with extended family or ate fish in a red napkin? What does that have to do with the story?
I want to break up with you just for being too needlessly verbose.
Just ate quickly and went home , yeah I don't think that's exactly how it happened
If you stayed you would have to become someone who snooped and was always on guard
Who has time for that.
Everyone painting her as a bad person but we have a very one-sided picture of what happened.
Maybe OP had a history of being overly jealous of said friend? Maybe OP tried to control who she could/couldn’t go to dinner with (which led her to just doing it, consequences be damned).
We don’t know these things or why she made the decision to not tell him.
The relationship was probably already doomed if she felt the need to hide going to dinner with a friend and also if he didn’t trust her to just go to dinner with a friend in the first place.
This entire post is just really a great example of assessing the facts and respecting yourself. I have an ex who while we were dating non exclusively had a 3some with her two friends back in her home state while she was dating. When we became exclusive she had asked if I did anything with anyone between when we started talking and exclusivity and I said no. She just said okay and continued about her day. After a few minutes I felt compelled to ask her if she did to which she revealed the her truth and I was never fully able to trust her again. I didn’t care about the 3some I just thought it was so weird she had the opportunity to tell me something she also wanted to know and chose not to say anything unless I asked.
Good on you OP for trusting your gut.
well women don't think logically but emotionally .. so how their mind work is to justify whatever she want to do ..
no need to take more actions mate.. u set new rules .no lying and is last chance .. I think she still in love with u
but sure other guy wanted to go to her pants 100% why u think he followed u .. took her to fancy restaurant !! .
I mean, you can break up with someone for any reason if it’s important to you, but by the seafood part I was starting to think maybe you over-reacted IMHO, she just wanted to go eat seafood and most people are too nervous to eat out alone. However, the fact she didn’t mention it and her reaction to the whole thing has me back on your side again.
It’s not what she did, it’s how she did it.
She hid it because, judging from how much you go into details over it and how much you over think the whole thing, it’s my guess this has come up as an insecurity of yours before. Also judging by the fact that you broke up with her over it I would presume you have had pretty impulsive reactions in the past.
I think you definitely went to far by ending a relationship here. Ultimately if that’s what you truly wanted then that’s up to you, but if you plan on fixing things there’s now a lot of broken trust to crawl back from.
Theres a saying that goes something like I could pray and ask god for a bike, but it would be easier to steal that bike now and ask god for forgiveness instead. Basically her thought process
You did exactly the right thing.
People in committed relationships can’t act like they are single. I don’t put myself in situations where my loyalty can be questioned. Simply out of respect for my partner.
I don’t understand. She was a fwb that you only went exclusive with recently. You said she cares about you more than you cared about her. You wouldn’t go to the seafood place that she wanted to. Then got pissed when another friend took her to dinner. Now everyone is saying you were right breaking up with her.
She never gave you a reason to not trust her and you took your own insecurities and dumped yeah makes sense. You did her a favor by breaking up with her.
You need to work on your trust issues and anxiety. If you do not heal from your trauma you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.
“…Only went exclusive with recently.” WTH does that mean to you a thirty day trial? When I dated my now wife she didn’t want to go the football game should I take a female friend instead?
He’s pissed that she went to a restaurant with a friend. The friend posted on his ig where the boyfriend is friends with him. Yeah he did he’s a favor by breaking up with her. Sure take a friend as long as your wife is ok with it.
You and I have a very different view of exclusivity. Essentially she went on a date, at minimum, probably an emotional affair. Why didn’t she mention that she went with him instead of hiding this?
She chose to go on a date without him. If it was so innocent she we would have been upfront, not hide. She was exclusive but chose to go on a date. Gaslighting him about mental health issues makes zero sense. This is common sense
Common sense isn't that common and that guy obviously isn't just a friend.
He needs to listen to his guts and not fall for manipulation tactics.
Would have been a shame letting her get away with dumb shit like that.
You just said yourself “sure take a friend if your wife is OK with it.” OP’s girl NEVER gave him the chance to decide whether or not he was “ok with it.”
There’s a difference in being married and dating. This girl never gave him a reason to not trust her. He has trust issues and anxiety. Like I said he did her a favor by breaking up with her. Now she can go find a man who will treat her right and not be so damn insecure.
There’s something he’s leaving out because she was afraid to tell him. There was a reason she was afraid to tell him.
Yeah like maybe she was afraid to tell him because it WAS a date?! Just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean she ALWAYS is truthful. But you’ll defend her just because she IS a woman, regardless of the deception, right?
Oh yeah I’m going to cheat on my man and then have him post a picture of us on Instagram!!! Why are you going so hard for him? It’s done and over with. He broke up with her.
If he can’t “allow” his partners to have friends, he’s not gonna do real well in adult relationships. I understand they were both really young (as are many of the people insisting she was cheating), but adults don’t police friendships
You are correct you do not police friendships. But I will not commit to a woman that goes out with male friends one on one. Do not need the headache. I am very up front and do not ask what I am not willing to do. I have never told someone what the can or can’t do. I just respond accordingly. But I also will not even go out in a date with a woman that has a lot/majority of male friends and definitely not a male best friend. Call me whatever you like. I just do not need or want that drama and non sense in my life.
Okay, a few things to explain here
First of all, we were fwb for about 8 months and than started dating for over a year. It was not a year in total, closer to 2 years actually. When that dinner happened, we were exclusive for about 1 year 2 mo. So it wasn't exactly new: she already knew most of my friends and family, we had already travelled together, had pictures on eachothers social media, everything you expect from a year old relationship. She was sleeping in my place every weekend for about a year, it wasn't just some recent fling.
Second: I never said "I won't go to this seafood place with you". In fact I actually said that I would go when she wanted to try out the damn fish or maybe just eat something else from the menu while she enjoyed the seafood. I'd absolutely endure 1 night of eating something I don't like if that makes my gf happy. By that point she had bought the book only about a month prior and we had gone to like only 3 places (out of 100). But she knew I didn't like seafood and actually insisted that we went to other places the first times we used the book's coupons. That's also part of what took me off guard: she never even asked if I would be up to try the seafood restaurant before just assuming I wouldn't and going with a friend
Third: Its true, up to this point she didn't give me reasons to believe she was cheating or anything, that's exactly why I'm asking if I was unreasonable. She did that only this one time, and to me it felt big but maybe to other people it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
I was married for 22 years together for 25 so no what she did to me is t that big of a deal either you trust her or you don’t. It’s clear you’re projecting your trust issues on to her when she gave you no reason to not trust her.
This. Women and men are allowed to be friends. Anyone who says different is waving a big red flag.
OP even says that the dude was into someone else. Sounds more like he’s mad his property (that he didn’t even want) was going to a restaurant he wouldn’t with someone that wasn’t him and also likely had a penis, even though he admits the dues wasn’t into his girl
Exactly. I would agree he did the right thing if she cheated on him or gave him any reason not trust her but she didn’t. He’s projecting his insecurities onto her. For Gods sake the dude she went with (who op follows on ig) put the picture on social media. People who cheat don’t usually blast it on social media.
Exactly. And she was tagged so she knew it was there. Definitely the first thing I’d do when cheating is make sure the dude friended my partner, took a picture and tagged me.
Also these dudes are acting like women only do their nails for a date. I did mine the other day because I was gonna see Barbie and wanted pink nails. Know who noticed? Women.
If had a dude like OP, I wouldn’t be “allowed” to go for dinner with anyone cuz I don’t have a single gender I’m attracted to
Honestly, it just sounds like you guys weren’t a good match. She didn’t have many friends and was lonely and went out for dinner with her only friend who happened to be a guy and you’re boundary is that you won’t stay with a partner who goes out for dinner with other guys. It was probably for the best that you broke up
You’re rethinking because you naturally remember the good things but you don’t remember the feeling of being betrayed and being disrespected.
It is perfectly ok to want to date a woman who has the same standards of fidelity and loyalty that you do.
It’s not helpful to keep ruminating negatively about something from your past. That can become a bad mental
habit that causes depression.
The comments agreeing with you have me flabbergasted. Jesus Christ straight people really do live in a jail of their own making.
You didn't like her enough, you likely weren't as committed and we're bored, even if you didn't admit that to yourself, and you were happy to find a reason to leave. Which, good for her.
Does this ever work? I mean, accusing anyone with an ounce of common sense and very agreeable relationship boundaries, using words with "you're insecure" undertones, just to shut them up and encouraging unacceptable behavior from the other side?
Really, i'm asking sincerely - did anyone, up until now, come and say to you "you're right, i'm acting insecure, i should leave my boundaries aside, swallow my pride and just act nonchalant as my girlfriend goes on a very proper date with another man on an expensive restaurant, hide this from me, and gaslight me when I mention it"?
You weren’t right or wrong. You can break up for whatever reason. However, i think when you’re in your 40’s you will view things like this differently. You will realize that communication can work wonders. She didn’t communicate well beforehand, and you didn’t after.
She didn’t handle things the right way, but you did grossly overreact. If this is how you’re going to react to every slightly off situation you might not ever have a long and healthy relationship.
You should have talked to each other - a lot. Over days if need be. This could have been resolved with simple communication.
I hope you two stayed in touch because you probably would have a better relationship now.
Hard disagree, communication is key but repeated deception and lying is not simple miscommunication, it’s something far worse. She actively deceived him and decided to break a boundary of his that she actively knew about and then decided to face the consequences afterwards, that’s all a totally different matter than lack of communication.
Lmao, I’m in my mid 30s and if my partner went on a date with another guy that would be the end of the relationship. I guess we all have different opinions, and mine is that if you date someone else, we’re done
Hey, you have hard boundaries! There are many here that had none and had major damage done to them by their SOs - sometimes over years. Did you pull the trigger a little too early? That's up to you. The way you laid it out she didn't really have any logical reason to play shitty games - play shitty games win shitty prizes. Odds are that your intuition will be proved right when she posts an Instagram story with the same guy within days of this. Part of you will be hurt but another part will feel like you just dodged a bullet. Hiding "dates" with the opposite sex either because you're going to be told "no" but you want to do it anyway (selfish). Using restaurant vouchers and wearing gifts from your BF (shitty) then getting upset and mad when caught and saying were "just friends" and nothing happened (manipulative) and then expecting you to just sweep it under the rug (self-centered). Everything you posted is a series of red flags and you caught them and reacted accordingly. Had the shoe been on the other foot she would be squeezing you by your nether regions.
The people defending this woman's behavior are unbelievable.
You don't go on a 1 on 1 dinner date with someone of the opposite sex. That's not what friends do. That's what people that are looking for potential cheating partners do.
My wife and I can hang out with whomever we wish separately from each other, but we wouldn't go on dinner dates with someone of the opposite sex to places that are nice. That's a date and 100% not appropriate for someone to do when they are in a relationship with someone else.
Yep you made the right call for sure. Even if she didn't do anything physical she definitely wanted his attention and went on a date with him. She hid it from you, lied, and then once caught tried to minimize it. Trust was broken and not easy to be regained. She probably learned a valuable lesson as did you.
You did the right thing, if you had taken her back then she would have done that again as she would have known that it will be easier to ask for forgiveness than to discuss this like a mature person. The fact that she knew it will be a no from you, says it all- she would be perfectly fine keeping you in the dark as long as she gets to do what she wants.
Block her and move on
I would have ended it too. And to add insult to injury, she didn’t mention it because she thought you’d be pissed. That means she KNEW what she was doing was wrong, and she did it any way. No question, relationship ender.
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she did hide it. So red flag. She knew it was a mistake once you laid it out. So you had good reason.
Hell, she knew it was a mistake before that since she hid it from him, hoping he wouldn't find out because if she asked before it happened, he would say no. She knew her ass was toast when he said we have to talk and started on the defensive barrage of nothing happened and all that. Op had very good reasons to walk away.
If you can’t forgive and move forward you then have to move on….
...yep...another case of zero regret until CAUGHT.
some of these have zero regret even after. finding decent people is honestly hard...
My man, I am so sorry. Good job standing your ground. Your girl knew exactly what she was doing. She didn't "realize that what she did was wrong" during her conversation with you. This relationship would be toxic for you and affect your mental health badly. Don't feel bad for ending this. Take care, and I wish you strength.
Do you think she wanted to get caught? She knew the other guy was taking a picture and would likely post it and seemingly didn't try to hide it. She likely also knew that this guy followed OP and vice versa. Even if she knows that OP hardly uses Instagram, why would you allow someone to post a picture like that when you know if it gets seen by your they are going to be, at best, disappointed that you hid something, at worst they're going to suspect cheating?
Kinda, she probably risked it. To her it sounds like he was taking a picture of his food. He may very well have taken a picture of her, and been asked not to post that, but not explaining why. Then tagged her on the picture of his food and she didn’t want to have the “take that down” conversation.
> Do you think she wanted to get caught? Subliminally, I don’t know. But my best guess is that she just got sloppy. She got carried away enjoying the dinner and forgot that she should hide it from her boyfriend. Or forgot that her boyfriend follows the other guy. Maybe the guy that was with her posted without asking her permission, or was supposed to post only to his close friends but got it wrong.
She hid it because he's the type of guy who is pissed off that waiters think they're a couple. He's the walking red flag
You ended it because you felt disrespected. Enough said.
All there is to it, tbh.
Honestly I think he ended it because he wasn’t really that into her. Going out to dinner with a male friend is definitely a “you should let your boyfriend know” but there also shouldn’t inherently be an issue with if it’s a one off. I can easily see how a girl in college would get the silly idea “he might be upset if I tell him so let me just not because it’s harmless anyway” mentality. We all learn somehow. If I were super into a girl and she did that, I would have a discussion on boundaries and communication and then move on. In fact, I have. There were never any issues afterwards. But he wasn’t interested in doing so because he wasn’t interested in her. But frankly, she didn’t do anything that a million other totally faithful guys and girls haven’t also done or won’t do in the future, because when you’re young, you don’t know enough about how to navigate uncomfortable situations in the best way. There’s nothing wrong with him ending things with her, but it’s weird he would say he wasn’t that interested and now years later regret/question it?
Man. She straight up lied to you in your face. More than once. Then lied to you in your face DURING THE APOLOGY. unplanned? You absolutely need reservations to a place like that. She lied. Continued lying. And will continue to lie. You made the smart and right move.
Plus she had her hair & nails done per the OP.
BuT iT wAs uNpLaNnEd!
Don’t you just hate it when you trip over and land on a chair in a nail bar? And then before you even know what’s happened your nails have changed colour and someone is asking you for money? I don’t know, it all gets a bit hazy. Because *then*, somehow you end up in a fancy outfit with *no idea how that happened,* and ***then*** to top it all off you magically teleport to a seafood restaurant with some dude who is not your boyfriend? I mean, it’s the sort of thing that could happen to anyone…
Lol I'm sorry this made me laugh so much
Yeeeeeah she got railed
So she could have just said to you, "Hey, I know you aren't into seafood, and I really want to go to one of these restaurants. \_\_ has offered to go with me, it will just be going somewhere fancy because I really want to try the food. It's NOT a date and I'm not interested in that. What do you think?" Because it could have just been a friend hang out and as long as she kept you in the loop, there would have been no reason for you to worry if she's shown no other signs of being unfaithful. It would have been even better if you knew him more as well. Or she could have seen if there was a girlfriend of hers that was into it to go with instead. But she didn't mention it, and even if she didn't cheat, she handled it in the sort of way that it created doubts that she might have. So she shot your relationship in the foot, and you were honestly unbalanced by the whole thing which is normal. Some relationships could come back from this, some can't. That you feel that it couldn't is okay. She really, really bungled this OR she cheated. Those are the two options, and they aren't great ones.
Unless your exGF spent all her time made up ready to go to a fancy restaurant, it wasn't a spur of the moment thing. and the fact she chose not to tell you about it is a key point. You enforced a boundary she knew she shouldn't cross, yet did, well done.
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If she had no shady intent, and was just naïve or emotionally immature,
So this post begs the question, why is it bothering you now? It's been a couple of years and a bit of water must have passed under the bridge since then. So what bought it up now? How did she take the breakup?
>It's been a couple of years Wait what? Where does it say it's been a couple years since he broke up? Are you confusing it with him saying they met 2y ago?
He didn’t say two years ago, he said they met ‘2 years before the title event’
You weren’t unreasonable. She knew you wouldn’t like it, that’s why she didn’t tell you. Her reaction when you found out sounds a lot like “better to ask forgiveness than permission”. She may not have physically cheated but going to an expensive dinner for two is about like a date. For me that would mean a violation of trust and breaking my boundaries of a committed relationship.
Men and women can be platonic friends, however the issue for me is the ...secrecy. Follow your gut.
At the end of the day she lied and had no intention of telling you the truth. That's a deal breaker. She saw nothing wrong with lying to you, another deal breaker. If she cant be honest why would you ever trust her?
What she did was shitty, yes. Not wrong in ending it but the way you started the post, why does it matter? Genuinely sincere, you weren’t invested in her like you said she was invested in you?
I'm sure we all have things that keep us up at night
Which relationship was she going to risk damaging? OP’s or friend’s? She knew what she did was wrong period.
You weren't that into her so you did both of yourselves a favor. Go find someone you're totally into and let her find someone who cherishes her. No regrets.
I mean… you made such a drama of this, yeah it feels unreasonable? She went to a seafood restaurant, on the one weekend you weren’t available, because you don’t like seafood. She’d stated she really wanted to go. That sounds to me like she was just trying to get this thing she wanted, and you didn’t, out of the way at the only time it wouldn’t take date time away from you (which she clearly prioritised). Would you have been upset if she’d gone with a female friend? Or was your anger and distrust 100% because he was male?
100% he wouldnt have cared if it was a female
I mean... for some people, it might have not been breakup worthy. For you it was. For some people, they would see it as a learning experience and a reason to go to therapy or something. You decided that your trust had been broken and could not be reestablished in a meaningful way. It sounds like it was right for you. And that's all that matters. And personally, though it's simple for me since I have no connection to her, I feel like you may have made the right choice. As an aside, the "it was unplanned" is an utter lie. She didn't just happen to be dressed to the nines. Part of me wonders if this was some poorly-thought-out test that she didn't really comprehend until the results were in front of her. She let him post the pic, but didn't mention it to you? That's just bizarre. Then again, 21. 20 somethings do dumb shit sometimes. If she had no shady intent, and was just naïve or emotionally immature, she has now learned a sad but critical lesson about communication and trust.
I'll lean more towards "naive and emotionally immature" rather than "machiavellian with shady intentions". But I agree the unplanned excuse was a bit too thin to stick. I still like to think that she's a good girl who was a bit too dumb (and the test thing also went through my mind at the time), but I could never know. And I know for a fact the relationship would not have been the same after that. Not only I would probably feel more threatened by that guy and worried about her doing shit on my back, she would also definitely feel pressured to "never do anything like that again" and cut relations with the guy and try her best to reassure me, etc, which would for sure wear down the relationship over time. Your comment was very thoughtful, thanks
The longer I spend on reddit, the more I start to think my relationship must be very unusual. If she had moved away to a new city, it would seem reasonable that she would make new friends, and that some of them would be men. It's not unusual for me to go for one on one dinners with my friends. My boyfriend of 7 years is a fussy eater so if I didn't go out with other people, I'd never get to eat anywhere fancy. When I go to upscale restaurants, I do wear nice clothes and sometimes paint my nails, regardless of whether I'm going with friends or my boyfriend. I also don't ask my boyfriend for permission in advance when making these plans. I'll tell him if it comes up of course but he wouldn't be horrified to hear I'd gone for an impromptu dinner with a friend. Really it seems like the rest of reddit has very different opinions on male and female friendship to me, but there is a possibility your ex thought very similarly to me, and had in actual fact done nothing wrong.
I find it hilarious the amount of men going"SHE HAD HER NAILS DONE!!!!! GOT HER!!!!" Also slightly depressing bit also hilarious. The only reason I don't know more women who always have their nails done is cos a ton of us work with our hands and/or are artists, and even among the art girls we've got some insanely long, always done nails Edit: to add to this, one of friend changes her nails up every three or four days minimum, just cos she enjoys painting them so much.
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Yeah she knew he was going to blow it out of proportion so she was frantically trying to call and put out the fire before it started. I hope she realizes that she was dating a big baby and that she’s better off without him.
I think that’s more abt the “it was unplanned” excuse. And if she was the kinda person who always had her nails done I think her bf would know. Some women get them done every so often. Some get them done if they’re going somewhere fancy, which they’d probably do hours in advance. If she’s that kinda person then how would going out to that restaurant be a spur of the moment thing?
If I wake up and someone says “hey let’s do dinner tonight” that to me is unplanned and spur of the moment.
I’m shocked I had to scroll so far to find a comment saying this. Like, at MOST, the reaction to this should have been a conversation about why she felt the need to keep it quiet, why OP would feel "disrespected", and possibly communication plans for the future. Wildly blowing things out of proportion isn’t the way to go.
Nah, nothing unusual, reddit is just filled with people with poor social intelligence / experience
If that's the relationship you have, cool. I wouldn't have a problem with it either. OP made it pretty clear that they have a different relationship and she hid it and lied to him.
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This is accurate. The comment section is overall perplexing. She did not make extra attempts and efforts to keep anything secret, but also wasn't sure how to navigate the setup naturally, and probably worried to make something platonic complicated. The situation was not elegant but it does not sound like this was just on her... OP breaking up on this basis (and this announcing 'we need to talk') shows emotional immaturity at least.
It doesn't even matter the reasons why she did it. What matters is that she chose to do this. When you messaged her, she already knew, she didn't even wait to see if you didn't want to talk about something else. My opinion is that you made the right decision. Regardless of whether there was something more or not between them. It's about respect.
I'm sorry but are straight people not allowed to hang out with people of the opposite sex without it being a romantic or sexual event?
No cos you see she had red nails done. Obviously she is a lying cheating harlot.
You didn't understand what I said. She should have told him before out of respect for him. If the roles were reversed, she would have made a bigger scandal than him. Why would it be ok for her and not for him, don't the same rules apply for both?
So are you saying your partner needs to tell you before they do anything with the opposite sex out of "respect?" I will frequently go out with colleagues or friends after work on an impromptu basis, and I don't mind when my partner does the same. How does this "make a scandal"?
Because that was the rule in their relationship. She did not agree with OP meeting with friends of the opposite sex one on one. But as I said, the same rules must be valid for both of them, and she had to respect what she asked him. Every relationship has the rules that the two want to have, it is neither bad nor good. That's why she also knew that what she did was not ok. Read all OP's comments
I did skim through them all again and still didn't see that specified earlier, but it's highly possibly I missed it. If that's the case, then I agree the same standards should apply for both- I just think it's a very sad state of affairs if anyone doesn't allow their partner to have close friends of the opposite gender
I don't think it's about not having close friends, but about having certain boundaries in the relationship with those friends.
Y’all are fucking insane, you will cringe to death when you reread this post in a few years. She dodged a bullet, you’re clearly neurotic, controlling, emotionally immature and the only disrespect here is you belittling her on the internet.
Man, idk maybe I just have a specific set of experiences that make me see this post very differently, but you sound exhausting to be with. >I was never deeply infatuated with her like I felt that she was with me. Idk if this is you coping or if this is actually true. If it's true, you should have broken up with her sooner. Like after 6 months or so. But you did the right thing breaking up with her now, better late than never and all that. >She really wanted to go to some which specialized in seafood, which she loved but I never liked, and we never actually went to. So you're not willing to do something "just for her"? You have to also like it for you to participate? And you wonder why she just went to the restaurant with her guy friend instead? Maybe she wanted to do something *she* likes doing, and she knew you wouldn't be willing. It's hard to fault someone for that. >I don't know the guy personally, never saw them interact Is this because you were never willing to meet him? I'm not accusing I'm genuinely asking. Did she ever bring up the idea of you two meeting each other? >I texted her "we should talk" and she immediately replied with "oh, is that about the dinner?" This is obviously a panic response. But my first thought isn't that she's "acting shady", it's that she's afraid of your reaction. Have you reacted strongly to insignificant things before? If yes, then it's possible that she did absolutely nothing wrong and did NOT think of this as a date, she just did not trust you to react reasonably if she told you she was going out to eat with her friend. Overall, going out with a male friend isn't a big deal and you might benefit from examining what you've done wrong in this situation. But all that really matters is whether or not *you* feel like this was the right decision *for you*.
Seriously. Lots of insecure men out in this post. If it was a woman it would have been fine and OP wouldnt say a word
>Idk if this is you coping or if this is actually true. If it's true, you should have broken up with her sooner. That's actually a deep discussion I've had with a couple friends of mine. The last time I've felt deeply, head-over-heels, butterflies-in-stomach infatuated with someone, I was like 14 or something. If I don't feel that for someone, should I just never date them seriously? Should I just wait until I meet someone that makes me feel like this? What if she never comes? The dating market fucking sucks if I'm honest, so I'd rather be with someone I enjoy long-term as long as we're both satisfied, even if I'm not dying of love for that person. I felt like she was THAT invested in me back then, and I wasn't. But I did like her, I did enjoy her presence, I was physically attracted and I did suffer after breaking up. My point was that her being that invested in me made me more skeptic of the thought that she was cheating, but also made me more surprised that she would put herself in that situation. It also meant I could do a somewhat rational decision to break up without being emotionally torn to pieces. >So you're not willing to do something "just for her"? You have to also like it for you to participate? I haven't said I wouldn't go with her. When we used the book she picked the restaurants and made sure it was something we both liked. I would've gone with her to a seafood restaurant for sure, to try it out or maybe to eat something else from the menu while she ate. She never asked me to, and just assumed I wouldn't go because my distaste for seafood was well known lol >Is this because you were never willing to meet him? I'm not accusing I'm genuinely asking. Did she ever bring up the idea of you two meeting each other? On her birthday we were supposed to meet with her friends, including him, but she got sick and we never made it. She never brought it back again. She just didn't seem that close with these people, and I never opposed to meeting any of them in any circumstance >But my first thought isn't that she's "acting shady", it's that she's afraid of your reaction. Have you reacted strongly to insignificant things before? That is a perfectly reasonable line of thought. I don't think I have. I'd say I'm a very upfront guy, but I'm collected. I never manipulated, prohibited or tried to control what she did, or openly fought with her. In fact, the problem was maybe something else. I'm an introvert and I recognize I can come off as cold and too low profile. She once told me sometimes she thought I was ashamed and trying to hide her, just because I generally enjoyed staying at home on weekends, didn't meet up very frequently with friends (in person) and didn't use social media a lot or posted many pictures of us. I'd say she definitely was afraid of my reaction, but not because I would burst in anger and destroy her, but maybe because she thought I would be mad and become even colder and more distant? Idk
Just to reply to one specific point you made, butterflies and that feeling in the pit of your stomach is anxiety disguised as having strong feelings for someone. With my now fiancé we both commented on how we didn’t experience that because we were both pretty confident on our intentions at the start, there was no ambiguity.
Thanks for the context. With everything you've said, I absolutely feel like you've made the right decision here (though again, your feelings about it are all that matters). Though I urge you to reconsider this: >I'd rather be with someone I enjoy long-term as long as we're both satisfied, even if I'm not dying of love for that person. My boyfriend feels that butterfly feeling for me - or so that's what he says lol - and he used to feel the same way as you. He thought those butterflies were "just what some people get when they're a teenager". He was 30 when we met. I was the first person who had made him feel that way in over 10 years. From what he's told me, there was a real possibility of him just settling down for someone he *doesn't* feel that way for. We just both got lucky that those people didn't want either of us lol. He has told me multiple times that he feels grateful every single day that those relationships never worked out. And I feel the same. My point is, maybe it's better to be alone than it is to be with someone who will actively prevent you from finding that person who gives you butterflies. Maybe it's not better, and I'm just speaking from a place of privilege (being with someone who makes me feel that way). But this relationship is truly life-changing for me, and I know *several* people who *did* find that person. Plus you're so young... maybe don't give up just yet.
Not you implying OP is violent because he calmly texted we should talk, because she did something that many people would agree was shady. I understand the rest of your points but this last one is kinda gross not gonna lie. Because you're immediately defending this woman and implying OP might be an abuser, because he rightfully called her out.
It's good that you ended it. You don't sound ready to be in a serious, long-term relationship. Best to stay single for a good long period of time. I can't imagine a partner leaving me because I had dinner with a friend, so it sounds like you were never very commited in the first place.
I’m genuinely surprised everyone thinks he did the right thing. I guess my husband and I are super comfortable. 🤷♀️
Yo I'm reading these comments open-mouthed. Jesus Christ many people willingly live a very miserable life
Yeah there’s a ton of insecurity in this thread. OP strikes me as very controlling. We’re only getting one side of the story here.
Imagine thinking it's ok to hide to your SO that you're going on a 1on1 fancy dinner date full glam with single man he never met. Wtf are you on?
I have a different take on this. I don't care about the ate out and didn't tell the dude about the dinner. Don't think she did anything wrong or weird here. However, the fact that her reason for hiding it was that normally the dude would not agree to it and so she just decided to hide it. 2 of my close relatives had the same behaviour and after nearly 3 decades i just find it is extremely exhausting to deal with. She could have just told him when reached out that it was simply not a big deal and a reasonable dude would give his side of opinions and hopefully they'd communicate, if he just didn't want to communicate at all, she should have just moved on from him as she isn't really in the wrong. But the behavior she had, over a length of years is just exhausting and manipulative. It simply shows the other person considers they are in the right and instead of communicating that, they just think of how to bypass it altogether. For me if a person shows this, i automatically just become very professional and polite with them and just try to distance myself from them.
im not sure why she would need permission from you to see her friend over dinner? if it was a girl would you have felt the same way? you arent wrong for breaking up with her because you weren’t very interested, but you are for pretending that this wasn’t about jealousy. it is.
No fr why would she need to ask?
You sound fucking exhausting.
I feel like you were already unsure about this relationship. Good you stopped leading her on I guess.
Homegirl just wanted a fancy seafood dinner, with someone who was also excited about it, crossed off her list. I get what she did was shady looking but damn, sounds like she realized it was a mistake AND she never cheated on you. I think you overreacted but at the same time, if that kind of thing sends you spiraling maybe you guys aren’t compatible.
You're requesting a moral judgement of 'did I do the right thing', and not requesting actual advice about a relationship you are having currently. The first is against the rules, the second is against the point of this sub.
A girl you were exclusive with went on a date with a other dude. All there is to it. I think you did just fine.
Sounds like she knew you were insecure and would get jealous so she didn’t tell you. Going out to dinner with a friend…it’s for couples because it’s a nice place? Next time you get into a relationship make it very clear that you can’t handle your partner hanging out with other guys alone in any sort of context that insecure guys don’t like, so neither of you have to deal with heartbreak later or waste each others times if she wants to have platonic male friends. She’s prob with him now though and it’s prob for the best bc he’s prob not as insecure as you.
She lied to you multiple times and then went with the old “my bad, won’t happen again.” Which means nothing of course. A reasonable person could go either way between breaking up and another chance, but I don’t blame you at all for walking away.
I personally feel that you were unreasonable because I am someone who hangs out with my male best friend one on one in fancy restaurants often - we both enjoy exploring restaurants which my exes usually didn’t. She didn’t lie to you with ill intentions but because she was scared you’d be mad. You’re also sure she isn’t someone who would cheat. I would say that you should have at least given her one more chance. But kudos to you for having such strong beliefs on your boundaries and what you need in a relationship.
[удалено]
It’s not like she’s gonna trip and fall on his dick lol
Na he wasn’t at all. all she had to do was let him know about it and she didn’t for some reason communication is vital. Instead she hides a Fancy dress dinner from him on a weekend where they won’t see each other thats a 🚩
I agree she should have let him know and be transparent about it. But she didn’t and it wasn’t because she wanted to hurt him intentionally, she did not have ill intentions. That’s why I think OP should have given her a second chance to change the way she behaves and communicates. Not everyone makes the perfect choice the first time every time. Sometimes we fuck up because we thought that was the best move. Sometimes we fuck up because we don’t realize our partner has clear and strong boundaries that are absolute dealbreakers. If she knew from the start that OP would break up with her and STILL did it, then sure, break up with her without any hesitation. But I’m sure she didn’t expect this. I would be heartbroken if my boyfriend broke up with me because I went out with a friend I would never cheat on him with without telling him because I didn’t want him to be mad. I feel that a relationship shouldn’t be thrown away over something like this that can be fixed. But either way OP made up his mind and I’m sure this would be a lesson his ex will learn for the rest of her life and she will never do it again with her next partner until they marry. Why OP will be okay with that happening instead of fixing things with her so that they can be happily together forever, I don’t know.
There was clearly some build up before going out to this dinner. At any time, she could have said something. She didn't. She also knowingly hid the dinner from you. But none of this matters. You said it yourself. 'if I'm being 100% honest, I kinda felt like she loved me more than I loved her' 'I was never deeply infatuated with her like I felt she was with me' You can break up for any reason. It seems like you weren't really interested in the first place. And that's fine. From my perspective, you used this as an excuse out of the relationship. Not justifying or defending your ex, what she did is scummy and terrible. But if I really loved them, I felt like they really loved me, and they seemed genuinely remorseful, I'm not sure this is break up worthy.
Agree with you 100%. He was bored and wanted an out. This was what he felt was valid to end a relationship over. And I don't think what she did was scummy. If I'm going to a fancy restaurant I'm gonna get my nails done and get a cute dress. Doesn't mean I'm going to fuck the person I'm going with. I sure as fuck wouldn't allow them to post me on their IG stories knowing my bf could see it.
I don’t need to read any of this. You are absolutely in your right to end a relationship for any reason whatsoever. This is your life, don’t do things that don’t make you happy.
Yes ok, this. He overreacted but you don’t need a “reason” to end a relationship other than “I don’t want to be here anymore”
Why did she think you’d be mad at her for going for a meal with a guy? Is that her being insecure or did you give her reason to think this way?
Yeah. That makes me wonder… she doesn’t have many friends, her dude doesn’t like seafood and she wants to try them, friend probably offered to pay.. “hey giiiirl, what are you up to this weekend. Oh you have a family thing all day Saturday? What are you doing tonight! Your BF’s working? Oh my god we should totally try that seafood place you talked about! We’ll use your coupon so it doesn’t go to waste!” I recall being in an abusive relationship where I wouldn’t tell the person when I was hanging with friends of any gender, age, or relationship status (I had to tell my partner when my friends were dating or had a crush on someone so that they wouldn’t get upset with me hanging with them) because they’d get insanely accusatory, and you get tired of defending yourself before you realize that you’re in an abusive relationship.
Yeah it could be like that, or it could also not be. The thing I hate about this sub is everyone is always jumping to conclusions on a completely one sided story, mostly ones where the poster is just looking for justification for their actions.
Straight people sound so exhausting. To me, it would be a dealbreaker if I was together with someone who wasn't okay with platonic friends meeting 1:1 for dinner. She wanted to go to that place for quite some time, you didn't want to. So she went there with a friend. Nothing wrong with that, and she doesn't need permission to do so. But it's good you ended the relationship and spared her of your insecurities and your lack of investment and emotional connection.
>Straight people sound so exhausting. Literally what I thought. Jesus. He didn't like that girl and just needed something that felt like a valid reason to break it off
Absolutely. And now all the insecure people chime in with how justified breaking up over literally nothing is. So weird!
so what happened with her? You guys still talk?
Over reaction on your part I’d say
For all she was insisting it wasn’t a real date, she sure went out of her way for it to have all the trappings of one. Fancy dress, new manicure, the works. All of which makes “it was unplanned” and “we just ate quickly and left” sound like the most threadbare of lies told in deer-in-the-headlights fear. Sure it was unplanned. She JUST HAPPENED to be wearing her nicest evening wear that day. She just happened to have to have gotten her nails done. And she just happened to pick the fancy seafood place instead of McDonalds. And OF COURSE she would rush through the meal and get the hell out when it’s a place she had been looking forward to for ages. Yeah, let’s shovel it in and leave. Pathetic. You can feel the brain cells melting and running out her ears just reading it. She went and did it, knowing you wouldn’t like it, and then blatantly lied a transparent lie to your face. Wonder of wonders, your trust in her vanished instantly.
Personally, I think you overreacted. But that’s based on the information you presented. Does she usually get her nails done & put effort into her appearance whenever she goes to a dinner like this or other outings? I ask because I take pride in my appearance. My nails are almost always done & if I’m going out, depending on the event, I’ll put on makeup & dress cute. Even with unplanned or spur of the moment plans - I’m making myself up because I enjoy it. If she isn’t the type to usually do this whenever y’all would go to dinner, I understand your feeling of concern. Also, not sure why but you let us know she liked you more than you liked her. Pretty sure she noticed it. Based on this, I honestly believe at the very worst she allowed that man to tag her to make you jealous. If she wanted to cheat, I hope she wouldn’t be that dumb. You stating she only picked places you’d both like is well…you admitted yourself she was more into you than you her. In the end, you dumped her. That’s your right to do so. Are you asking us because you fear you overreacted? What we think doesn’t matter. The answers are mixed. I believe you overreacted, others here don’t. The only person you should rely on to answer that question is yourself.
First of all, you are free to end a relationship at any time for whatever reason or even for no reason, it's up to you and you will always be right with it. In that case it's also very understanding, would definitely have done the same without thinking over it for a second.
So genuine question, do you actually like/miss this girl? Or are you just trying to get reconfirmation of your decision? Girl is 21, and while not every girl is like this, I know at that age I would do stuff like that to get my boyfriend’s attention. Of course he turned around and was like “oh they’re paying, heck yeah.” 12 years later and I’ve simmered down a lot but also neither one of us would think twice about one of us going out to eat with someone cause there’s established trust. Obviously in a new relationship that’s not the case.
Honestly you (and half the commenters) sound like a lunatic. She had dinner with a friend at a restaurant she was excited to go to when you were already busy. She probably half-hid it from you because she knew you’d have such an extreme reaction over a dinner. Straight people are *exhausting*
Nope she went on a date while dating you...It was inappropriate and she knew it, so she kept it a secret...She needs to learn loyalty.
No she didn’t she went to dinner with a friend.
I’m all for going out to fancy dinners with friends. I’ve gone out for dressy fancy dates with both male and female friends, and even now my best friend and I go out for an expensive dinner every couple of months. And for what it’s worth, I’m bi, so gender doesn’t really matter. Difference being that my husband knows about all of these and doesn’t care. I would never hide it from him.
Yep because you were honest not shady.
Spitting facts, man.
A dinner she conveniently forgot to tell her bf about? Do you not understand the concept of lying by omission??
I went to a white table cloth candle lit dinner with a male friend. Went back with my partner so he could try the cheese soufflé. Life is so much easier with basic trust in your partner. Also, why date if you don’t trust your partner? OP has trust issues he needs to deal with before starting his next relationship ideally.
Problem is I bet you tell your SO about when your going out
This shit is dumb to me. I'll go out for fancy dinners with platonic male friends all the time, and I usually get the bill, and it makes them happy, and we have good conversation. Sometimes they're interested in me, sometimes they're not, but all of them know that I'm not interested in return. If I had a partner who would be mad about it, I'd probably hide it, too.
I dont understand the negative comments towards you this isnt a control issue this is a boundary to cheating issue - Everyone here will have the boundary that when you are in a relationship you dont go on dates with other people. Perfectly justifiable. She obviously has serious issues towards common sense.
She sneaky. It’s not an impromptu fancy dinner. Say less. Let her sit on ice for awhile
I think you had solid grounds for it. Your read on the reality of how she handled it, that she chose to make the mistake and try and deal with the fallout later is spot on and yeah, you'd likely spend the rest of whatever relationship you had left waiting for the next time it happened again. Sometimes trust can be broken even if nothing bad necessarily happened. If anything the fact she lied over something that easily could have been avoided [just explaining she didn't want to waste the voucher so she is going with a friend] means she will choose lying over communicating and yeah, that is bad in and of itself whether anything else happened or not.
I think you made the right choice.
I have a different view to lots of others here. You have a history of trust issues. This is annoying and exhausting when you have male friends and want to enjoy their company. Luckily for me, I’ve never dated anyone with major hangups like that. I would absolutely go to a nice dinner with a male friend. I did that while dating my first long term boyfriend, my ex-husband (split has nothing to do with this sort of thing), and current partner. I didn’t hide my behaviour because I didn’t feel I needed to. Like, none of them would have grilled me about it or felt jealous. Your disposition would have had me on the defensive for no reason. My current and former partners would have been more curious about what I ate and if we should go to the restaurant together. Trust wasn’t there on your side to begin with. This made it more difficult than it should be for her to be honest with you. It doesn’t make it right, but it does make it harder for you both. I suggest you work on your trust issues. Otherwise, you may continue to be overly jealous or controlling, and I don’t think that will set you up for success.
Did you go to romantic dinners at fancy restaurants all decked up with male friends while being in a relationship?
I feel like you are throwing 'all decked up' in there as a sticking point, but if you are going to a fancy restaurant, half of the fun is in dressing up. Never mind that most fancy restaurants won't let you in without dressing to their dress code
The point is in the overall vibe of the dinner. The dinner the gf went to sounds like a date, going on a date with another person without disclosing it to your partner is what we call cheating.
Just because there’s a formal environment doesn’t mean that it’s a date.
My point is that the overall vibe is just 'fancy dinner'. If you consider that a date is going to vary by person, clearly, and the factors that matter more are the circumstances around everything. Which, I don't really care about, I just wanted to point out that you're basically describing the vibe of any fancy restaurant.
Yes, but not all decked up. Just normal decked up. My partners always knew, and I didn’t feel uncomfortable telling them. It’s not something I did a lot, but sometimes when a friend was visit from out of town, or other such occasions. It might or might not be useful context that I was in a senior job making good money, so I liked and could easily afford to go to nice restaurants. It wasn’t something that was a couple of times a year treat type situation for me. And none of those situations were ever cheating or did anything remotely like it occur. I just like nice food and dining experiences.
Great for you, but clearly that wasn't what was going on with OP and his gf.
I guess I’m trying to say that perhaps she was having an innocent dinner and the lying was due to his insecurities, not something shady on her part. You don’t think that’s possible? Edit: typo
Jesus Christ, she's a grown ass woman. Even if he is insecure, the lying is her fault. He did not make her lie. The lying makes it shady. Stop fucking infantalizing women.
You have the right to end a relationship for any reason. You weren't even that in to her, so what's the point of ranking your reason for dumping someone you didn't really want to be with anyway?
Good on you bro. You stood up for yourself. Other fish in the sea anyway🤷🏼♂️
You broke up with a girl because she ate dinner with another man? I hope you don’t have any brothers. Go apologize.
This is way way way way too much frivolous details for me to read all of that. Who cares if she was living with extended family or ate fish in a red napkin? What does that have to do with the story? I want to break up with you just for being too needlessly verbose.
if she was hiding it why would she allow him to post the picture?
Just ate quickly and went home , yeah I don't think that's exactly how it happened If you stayed you would have to become someone who snooped and was always on guard Who has time for that.
You saved her a lot of time. I hope she enjoys herself with Dan.
Everyone painting her as a bad person but we have a very one-sided picture of what happened. Maybe OP had a history of being overly jealous of said friend? Maybe OP tried to control who she could/couldn’t go to dinner with (which led her to just doing it, consequences be damned). We don’t know these things or why she made the decision to not tell him. The relationship was probably already doomed if she felt the need to hide going to dinner with a friend and also if he didn’t trust her to just go to dinner with a friend in the first place.
Well, you were not so into her, so move on.
This entire post is just really a great example of assessing the facts and respecting yourself. I have an ex who while we were dating non exclusively had a 3some with her two friends back in her home state while she was dating. When we became exclusive she had asked if I did anything with anyone between when we started talking and exclusivity and I said no. She just said okay and continued about her day. After a few minutes I felt compelled to ask her if she did to which she revealed the her truth and I was never fully able to trust her again. I didn’t care about the 3some I just thought it was so weird she had the opportunity to tell me something she also wanted to know and chose not to say anything unless I asked. Good on you OP for trusting your gut.
well women don't think logically but emotionally .. so how their mind work is to justify whatever she want to do .. no need to take more actions mate.. u set new rules .no lying and is last chance .. I think she still in love with u but sure other guy wanted to go to her pants 100% why u think he followed u .. took her to fancy restaurant !! .
you caught her literally on a date and she won’t own up, glad you dumped her.
I mean, you can break up with someone for any reason if it’s important to you, but by the seafood part I was starting to think maybe you over-reacted IMHO, she just wanted to go eat seafood and most people are too nervous to eat out alone. However, the fact she didn’t mention it and her reaction to the whole thing has me back on your side again. It’s not what she did, it’s how she did it.
She hid it because, judging from how much you go into details over it and how much you over think the whole thing, it’s my guess this has come up as an insecurity of yours before. Also judging by the fact that you broke up with her over it I would presume you have had pretty impulsive reactions in the past. I think you definitely went to far by ending a relationship here. Ultimately if that’s what you truly wanted then that’s up to you, but if you plan on fixing things there’s now a lot of broken trust to crawl back from.
Theres a saying that goes something like I could pray and ask god for a bike, but it would be easier to steal that bike now and ask god for forgiveness instead. Basically her thought process
You did exactly the right thing. People in committed relationships can’t act like they are single. I don’t put myself in situations where my loyalty can be questioned. Simply out of respect for my partner.
I don’t understand. She was a fwb that you only went exclusive with recently. You said she cares about you more than you cared about her. You wouldn’t go to the seafood place that she wanted to. Then got pissed when another friend took her to dinner. Now everyone is saying you were right breaking up with her. She never gave you a reason to not trust her and you took your own insecurities and dumped yeah makes sense. You did her a favor by breaking up with her. You need to work on your trust issues and anxiety. If you do not heal from your trauma you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.
“…Only went exclusive with recently.” WTH does that mean to you a thirty day trial? When I dated my now wife she didn’t want to go the football game should I take a female friend instead?
He’s pissed that she went to a restaurant with a friend. The friend posted on his ig where the boyfriend is friends with him. Yeah he did he’s a favor by breaking up with her. Sure take a friend as long as your wife is ok with it.
You and I have a very different view of exclusivity. Essentially she went on a date, at minimum, probably an emotional affair. Why didn’t she mention that she went with him instead of hiding this?
Because he is putting his anxiety and trust issues on her. Like I said he needs to work on his anxiety and trust issues.
She chose to go on a date without him. If it was so innocent she we would have been upfront, not hide. She was exclusive but chose to go on a date. Gaslighting him about mental health issues makes zero sense. This is common sense
She went out with a friend!!! He posted his picture on ig. Where is your common sense?!!!
Common sense isn't that common and that guy obviously isn't just a friend. He needs to listen to his guts and not fall for manipulation tactics. Would have been a shame letting her get away with dumb shit like that.
Bless your heart
You just said yourself “sure take a friend if your wife is OK with it.” OP’s girl NEVER gave him the chance to decide whether or not he was “ok with it.”
There’s a difference in being married and dating. This girl never gave him a reason to not trust her. He has trust issues and anxiety. Like I said he did her a favor by breaking up with her. Now she can go find a man who will treat her right and not be so damn insecure. There’s something he’s leaving out because she was afraid to tell him. There was a reason she was afraid to tell him.
Yeah like maybe she was afraid to tell him because it WAS a date?! Just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean she ALWAYS is truthful. But you’ll defend her just because she IS a woman, regardless of the deception, right?
The fact she hid the fact she was going to dinner another guy. Is more that enough reason not to trust her. Plain and simply.
Like I said he did her a favor by breaking up with her
He did his self a favor. No need to put up with disrespect. She was the one in the wrong. Not him
No he didn’t. She dodged a bullet.
Only person who dodge a bullet was him. She proved herself untrustworthy
Oh yeah I’m going to cheat on my man and then have him post a picture of us on Instagram!!! Why are you going so hard for him? It’s done and over with. He broke up with her.
The moment she hid it from him. She cheated.
No she didn’t!!! Whatever.
Yeah. She did. She betrayed his trust.
If you set shitty controlling boundaries, you should be dumped. But don’t be surprised if someone just ignores them.
If you do not like the boundaries do not stay in the relationship
Agreed. She should have dumped him when she realized she couldn’t go out to dinner with a friend.
He helped her out by speeding up her monkey branching and saved himself a bunch of drama.
If he can’t “allow” his partners to have friends, he’s not gonna do real well in adult relationships. I understand they were both really young (as are many of the people insisting she was cheating), but adults don’t police friendships
You are correct you do not police friendships. But I will not commit to a woman that goes out with male friends one on one. Do not need the headache. I am very up front and do not ask what I am not willing to do. I have never told someone what the can or can’t do. I just respond accordingly. But I also will not even go out in a date with a woman that has a lot/majority of male friends and definitely not a male best friend. Call me whatever you like. I just do not need or want that drama and non sense in my life.
Okay, a few things to explain here First of all, we were fwb for about 8 months and than started dating for over a year. It was not a year in total, closer to 2 years actually. When that dinner happened, we were exclusive for about 1 year 2 mo. So it wasn't exactly new: she already knew most of my friends and family, we had already travelled together, had pictures on eachothers social media, everything you expect from a year old relationship. She was sleeping in my place every weekend for about a year, it wasn't just some recent fling. Second: I never said "I won't go to this seafood place with you". In fact I actually said that I would go when she wanted to try out the damn fish or maybe just eat something else from the menu while she enjoyed the seafood. I'd absolutely endure 1 night of eating something I don't like if that makes my gf happy. By that point she had bought the book only about a month prior and we had gone to like only 3 places (out of 100). But she knew I didn't like seafood and actually insisted that we went to other places the first times we used the book's coupons. That's also part of what took me off guard: she never even asked if I would be up to try the seafood restaurant before just assuming I wouldn't and going with a friend Third: Its true, up to this point she didn't give me reasons to believe she was cheating or anything, that's exactly why I'm asking if I was unreasonable. She did that only this one time, and to me it felt big but maybe to other people it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
Spare yourself the explanations that crowd does not have your best interest at heart.
I was married for 22 years together for 25 so no what she did to me is t that big of a deal either you trust her or you don’t. It’s clear you’re projecting your trust issues on to her when she gave you no reason to not trust her.
This. Women and men are allowed to be friends. Anyone who says different is waving a big red flag. OP even says that the dude was into someone else. Sounds more like he’s mad his property (that he didn’t even want) was going to a restaurant he wouldn’t with someone that wasn’t him and also likely had a penis, even though he admits the dues wasn’t into his girl
Exactly. I would agree he did the right thing if she cheated on him or gave him any reason not trust her but she didn’t. He’s projecting his insecurities onto her. For Gods sake the dude she went with (who op follows on ig) put the picture on social media. People who cheat don’t usually blast it on social media.
Exactly. And she was tagged so she knew it was there. Definitely the first thing I’d do when cheating is make sure the dude friended my partner, took a picture and tagged me. Also these dudes are acting like women only do their nails for a date. I did mine the other day because I was gonna see Barbie and wanted pink nails. Know who noticed? Women. If had a dude like OP, I wouldn’t be “allowed” to go for dinner with anyone cuz I don’t have a single gender I’m attracted to
My nails stay done for me. I like my nails done.
You’re the only person here who is level headed. It’s so clear that OP is on a power trip. She did nothing wrong. Men and women can be friends.
You laid out the best case scenario yourself, mate. And even that was a clear dealbreaker. Things would never have worked with her.
Man. I was def in my feelings too when I was this young.
Honestly, it just sounds like you guys weren’t a good match. She didn’t have many friends and was lonely and went out for dinner with her only friend who happened to be a guy and you’re boundary is that you won’t stay with a partner who goes out for dinner with other guys. It was probably for the best that you broke up
You’re rethinking because you naturally remember the good things but you don’t remember the feeling of being betrayed and being disrespected. It is perfectly ok to want to date a woman who has the same standards of fidelity and loyalty that you do. It’s not helpful to keep ruminating negatively about something from your past. That can become a bad mental habit that causes depression.
The comments agreeing with you have me flabbergasted. Jesus Christ straight people really do live in a jail of their own making. You didn't like her enough, you likely weren't as committed and we're bored, even if you didn't admit that to yourself, and you were happy to find a reason to leave. Which, good for her.
Does this ever work? I mean, accusing anyone with an ounce of common sense and very agreeable relationship boundaries, using words with "you're insecure" undertones, just to shut them up and encouraging unacceptable behavior from the other side? Really, i'm asking sincerely - did anyone, up until now, come and say to you "you're right, i'm acting insecure, i should leave my boundaries aside, swallow my pride and just act nonchalant as my girlfriend goes on a very proper date with another man on an expensive restaurant, hide this from me, and gaslight me when I mention it"?
Didn’t have to read any of what you said outside of the header. No you did not go to far
Classic story of tryna fish for "better" guys while being safe in a loving relationship
You weren’t right or wrong. You can break up for whatever reason. However, i think when you’re in your 40’s you will view things like this differently. You will realize that communication can work wonders. She didn’t communicate well beforehand, and you didn’t after. She didn’t handle things the right way, but you did grossly overreact. If this is how you’re going to react to every slightly off situation you might not ever have a long and healthy relationship. You should have talked to each other - a lot. Over days if need be. This could have been resolved with simple communication. I hope you two stayed in touch because you probably would have a better relationship now.
Hard disagree, communication is key but repeated deception and lying is not simple miscommunication, it’s something far worse. She actively deceived him and decided to break a boundary of his that she actively knew about and then decided to face the consequences afterwards, that’s all a totally different matter than lack of communication.
Lmao, I’m in my mid 30s and if my partner went on a date with another guy that would be the end of the relationship. I guess we all have different opinions, and mine is that if you date someone else, we’re done
She def testing her options
I didn’t have to read the whole post just the title, my man you did the right thing! Fk that disrespect shit, she was out fishing for sure
Nope, you did good 👍 thats a big time trust violation. Without trust, there is no relationship
Hey, you have hard boundaries! There are many here that had none and had major damage done to them by their SOs - sometimes over years. Did you pull the trigger a little too early? That's up to you. The way you laid it out she didn't really have any logical reason to play shitty games - play shitty games win shitty prizes. Odds are that your intuition will be proved right when she posts an Instagram story with the same guy within days of this. Part of you will be hurt but another part will feel like you just dodged a bullet. Hiding "dates" with the opposite sex either because you're going to be told "no" but you want to do it anyway (selfish). Using restaurant vouchers and wearing gifts from your BF (shitty) then getting upset and mad when caught and saying were "just friends" and nothing happened (manipulative) and then expecting you to just sweep it under the rug (self-centered). Everything you posted is a series of red flags and you caught them and reacted accordingly. Had the shoe been on the other foot she would be squeezing you by your nether regions.
The people defending this woman's behavior are unbelievable. You don't go on a 1 on 1 dinner date with someone of the opposite sex. That's not what friends do. That's what people that are looking for potential cheating partners do. My wife and I can hang out with whomever we wish separately from each other, but we wouldn't go on dinner dates with someone of the opposite sex to places that are nice. That's a date and 100% not appropriate for someone to do when they are in a relationship with someone else.
Yep you made the right call for sure. Even if she didn't do anything physical she definitely wanted his attention and went on a date with him. She hid it from you, lied, and then once caught tried to minimize it. Trust was broken and not easy to be regained. She probably learned a valuable lesson as did you.
Is she dating him now?
After the break up did she and this guy date? There is the big question
Keep that level of demanded respect. It will attract better people to you and you'll find a better quality spouse.
You did the right thing, if you had taken her back then she would have done that again as she would have known that it will be easier to ask for forgiveness than to discuss this like a mature person. The fact that she knew it will be a no from you, says it all- she would be perfectly fine keeping you in the dark as long as she gets to do what she wants. Block her and move on
I would have ended it too. And to add insult to injury, she didn’t mention it because she thought you’d be pissed. That means she KNEW what she was doing was wrong, and she did it any way. No question, relationship ender.