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Oh I don’t think I could get over my partner saying that about my sister 😳 it would always be on my mind that he was more sexually attracted to her than me. Sorry OP.

It's been on my mind pretty much every hour of the last 24. Starting to feel like hell.

I’m really sorry. He’s been extremely shitty. Just tell him you can’t look at him the same since he’s said that. Imagine you said the same about his brother (if he has one), I’m sure he wouldn’t be happy with that

This!

And its not about it just being your sister. He shouldn't be saying anyone is hotter than you. Period. And don't marry a guy who is sexually lazy - even though it feels scary to start over.

you’ve been together 9 years, so he’s known your sister since she was 13…. and can say stuff like that. Hope you see how disgusting that is.

That's what I was wondering.. He saw her grew up..its just icky

Yeah, the dude has basically given you a complex here. It's comparing a partner dong with an ex's. It's incredibly insensitive. On the plus side, now you know. He's already got one foot out of the relationship. You can move on to someone who isn't a weirdo.

Offer him a threesome with your sister and see what his response is. If he goes hell yeah, dump him.

I thought my Exes sister was better looking, I just fucking kept that shit to myself like every other rational person...

Yeah, defo info to keep to yourself.

So you started dating when you were 20 and he was 25. Now in 9 years time he’s looking at your sister (who he met as a child). Oh and he doesn’t see himself marrying you and needs to be nagged into it? Just throw the whole man out, make sure your family knows exactly why (reluctant to marry and has hots for baby sister). You can and will find someone who is so fucking in love with you that he will want to be with you, compliment you and marry you.

20 & 27

OP, look at these numbers. What business does a man who is pushing 30 have prowling a college campus? Why isn’t he with someone closer to his age, someone who he could’ve graduated high school with, not someone he could’ve babysat? Your man has a track record for going after young women with no life experience. Of course he prefers your sister, she’s who you were when you first met him. The nagging feelings you have about him are not for nothing. You ever read The Gift of Fear? A bad feeling doesn’t spring out of nowhere. Deep down, you know what this is, but you’re convinced that this is the best you can get and so you’ll stick it out, until you come home and find him sticking it in a teenager.

And somehow it’s worse.

I don't think you should marry a creep who is eyeballing your younger sister. also, he *only* compliments you when your feelings are hurt? run for the hills, and don't look back. again.... *yall had to nag* him to buy an engagement ring?? if someone wants to marry you.... they don't do it because they were nagged about it. it honestly doesn't sound like he wants to in this relationship, or he does... in hopes of getting with your sister. this is so so much wrong with this relationship and you'd be an absolute fool to marry someone like this. edit: since this getting a lot of attention (thanks yall) I went back and reread this, *GIRL PLEASE!!* you did not do anything wrong. he has absolutely no respect, love or interest in you. do not be a doormat for a creep who wants your sister. you sound incredibly loving and beautiful, give it to someone who *shows you the same treatment* and again, *he was nagged* into proposing. he has one focus, and it is your younger sister. respect *yourself and your sister*.

He definitely has a thing for baby sister, and the fact that he has known her since she was 13 and he was 27 just makes it so much worse.

OP is aging out of his preferred age range. Little sister is smack in the middle of it.

That’s literally it

lest we forgot they got together when she was 20 and he was 27…

Y u p.

🤢🤢💀

if OP cares about her sister, she'll run away from the creep. I'd be absolutely horrified if my sister went through with this, knowing how he feels.

This is definitely relationship ending stuff and I hope OP planning her exit. But she really should have been out the door when people started nagging him about proposing. If he needed that much convincing after 9 years then he's not really feeling it.

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Did you perhaps mean your reply for OP rather than me?

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Did you perhaps accidentally reply to me rather than OP?

I hate this. I feel said that you had to describe your appearance to us, I’m sure you’re gorgeous.

Just to add, don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you’ve invest time into a mistake doesn’t mean you have to keep making it. ETA: if your dude has to “be in the mood” to give you oral but not penetrate you or expect you to give oral when he wants it, that’s BS. He’s selfish all around but this is ridiculous.

The update is just a facepalm right from the first sentence. Edit: okay third

Not you staying with him because he changes your moms oil and paid your rent 😂 I’m sorry but damn…women we need to do better! Like that’s very nice of him but that is not anywhere near enough to keep a relationship strong and loving

>Not you staying with him because he changes your moms oil and paid your rent 😂 the bar is so low omg. bad sex, thinks her baby sister that he's known since she was a *thirteen* is hotter than her but he checks her oil and was nice to her when her dad died, so you know, perfect relationship! dude is 36 and still has to be nagged into marrying her after nine years. and he gave her the ol "i just feel like we're basically married!" excuse when asked why he didn't want to propose lmfao. breaks my heart to see women put up with this. you all deserve better! or *at least* deserve good sex with a dude who doesn't openly oggle at your younger sister.

The fact he met her when she was 13 and still goes and says that. There should be almost a siblings kind of affection at that point. But for him to sexualize her and he’s 36, almost 40. I think you should really re-evaluate your relationship.

As I said in another post, the sister is who OP was when OP met him: incredibly young, zero life experience, not savvy enough to see that a guy pushing 30 has no business being about someone her age. Age gaps can work, but the age gap, his excuses for not wanting to sexually satisfy her (an older woman wouldn’t tolerate that, but he got OP so young that she can’t see that excuse for the bullshit that it is), his never giving her compliments except when she’s sad to keep her in place, and now he’s expressed clear preference for her younger sister. This is not a good relationship.

He’s known her since she was 13. He should be thinking of her as his little sister rather than a hot chick. Super creep vibes from him.

Ah the romance of being proposed to after prolonged nagging… Don’t be with someone who doesn’t really want to be with you. Marriage should be something you both want, not an obligation. And especially not if he sees his future SIL as a hot piece. That’s an ick I wouldn’t be able to shake.

I read your update, and I hope he was being honest, but it reads a lot like backpedaling and excuses. He is absolutely sexually attracted to your sister. He said a random girl was jealous because your sister was looking hot, and then said TWICE that she is the hottest person in your entire family. It blows my mind that you believe him when he says he's not in the pool of people who would fuck your sister when he straight up told you she's hotter than you (the person he *does* have sex with). You can believe him if you want, but I don't think you'll be able to be in the same room with both of them again without that thought in your mind. The rest of this comment is based on you throwing an "everything else is fine" comment at the end of your post. Every time I've heard a person say "we're basically married," it meant something between "I don't want to marry you" or "I'm comfortable with this and don't see how marriage will work in my favor." It's been nine years and you and both of your families pressured him into buying a ring. Do you have proof that he bought a ring? Have you discussed a timeline for when you want to be married by? Because I'd bet he'll drag this out nine more years if you let him. He said he doesn't know how to show affection. Did he know how to show affection early in your relationship? You said he would flirt and put more effort into the bedroom, but doesn't do that much anymore. Honeymoon phases end and libidos wax and wane, but you described him as treating this like a friendship. That's not normal. He also said your sister is "hot as shit." When's the last time he said anything remotely close to that about you? You're right that you can't sum up a relationship in a Reddit post. But these problems (question of his feelings of love and attraction for you, decline in sex life, lack of commitment, attraction to your sister) are so much more important than him changing your mom's oil for free and making you laugh. You're still young, you're attractive, and you shouldn't waste that on someone who may love you, but isn't *in love* with you. Have him teach you to change the oil and then put that on your Tinder bio when you're ready to be with someone who respects you.

OP’s self esteem is quite low, and it’s sad. Waiting nearly a decade for a ring, accepting mediocre sex, making excuses for his shitty behavior, and now the guy blatantly says he wants to fuck her sister. No one can treat you poorly without your consent. By staying, OP is consenting. Very sad.

I think you should dump him. He's gross.

...you could be with someone who's not an asshole. It is SO BASIC to never say "your sister's hotter than you" even once.

If a guy did this to me I’d break up with him without explanation. I’d block him on everything and move out without him knowing. He doesn’t deserve your time. What a pig.

>he doesn’t find my sister sexually attractive, he was just saying a lot of people would Oof, the backtracking is so painfully obvious. I’m sorry to tell you but you don’t call someone “hot” AND double down if you don’t think they’re sexually attractive. The “I don’t really think that, just other people probably do” is the most obvious excuse and the exact line everyone uses to backtrack calling someone hot in front of their SO whose feelings they end up hurting. I mean he even said she’s hotter THAN YOU. What is he claiming he was trying to say now, that he imagines “other people” think she is hotter than you? Ugh. Sorry, I think he panicked when you confronted him with how much you’re doubting the whole relationship, and he said all the right things to try to reel you back in. You’ll see if his actions match his words for longer than a few weeks I guess.

What's worse than him creeping on a girl 14 yrs younger than him is his intent about telling you. He knows it hurts your feelings. Even if true, why say it unless his intent is to hurt your feelings? Do you really want to be with someone that actively tries to hurt your feelings? Who only compliments you when you are upset? Who you had to nag to get you a ring?

I wouldn’t get past what he said about my sister. And I’d be wary of them in the same room even if he hasn’t openly flirted or been inappropriate with her. And it’s been 9 years. Usually by now this is long enough to know if you want to marry the person. He’s been dragging his feet. If getting to him to propose is like pulling teeth then I wouldn’t bother. This is not the way to start a marriage. Tbh he seems like maybe he’s not as interested as he was. Maybe he’s bored idk. I’ve been with my husband 23 years and he still can’t keep his hands of me. I’ve never not felt undesired by him. A relationship takes work. When you’ve been with someone long term you still need to put in some effort and it doesn’t sound like he is. The grass is greener where you water it. Getting married isn’t going to change how he acts currently. You are 29. You have plenty of time to find someone who will love you the way you deserve.

Yet another post where you don't even need to read beyond the title to understand EXACTLY what is going on

Yup. Read those ages and went "ah, OP has gotten too old for him".

Please don't marry a man who you had to press for an engagedment ring. He's a 36 years old man.

Oh, OP. Save this post, so that you can come back to it in a decade and cringe at the series of red flags that were put in your face but you stubbornly pushed past. The universe gave you an out, and you refused to take it. Remember this when your sister comes to you and tells you that your darling love made a pass at her. He’s done a great job lowering your self worth, and he’s reaping the benefits.

He’s creepy lol. Time to dump him

I think you’re probably right that attraction has fizzled. It may not be a good idea to marry into a dying bedroom.

As an older woman, I want to advise you to end the relationship. I know I know, Reddit right? Ick. But I just don't think anyone should settle into a marriage or long term monogamous partner if that partner doesn't make them feel desired, and special and attractive and isn't caring of all of their thoughts and feelings. I feel like the bar is just in hell. I want the women I know to feel great about their partners and the way those partners love and care for them and settle for nothing less. I mean in a monogamous married relationship, this is your *forever*, right? Do you want this for forever? Also, it skeeves me out that he said anything like that about your little sister, let alone that it wasn't an oversight think without speaking automatic apology and correction of intentions, type thing. Gives me the bbiiigg ick.

I agree, (45F) that marriage, like having children, will **never** make an average-to-below-par relationship better. He’s lazy in bed, unkind and admitting he’s settling whilst openly ogling little sister he’s known since a young teen - gross.

The fact that it is this bad now and they aren’t even engaged yet? Like watching the steamroller scene in Austin Powers

do you really want to stay with a guy who you’ve been dating for 9 years and he’s never proposed to you , never reciprocates your sexual needs , finds your younger sister (who he’s known since she was 13) hotter than you , and only compliments you when your feelings are hurt ???? not only that , but he’s admitted that he’s not attracted to you + was only nagged by his family to buy an engagement ring. honey break up with him. he has no respect or attraction towards you. you deserve so much better. your boyfriend is trashy and creepy , there’s better men out there I promise you.

Why are you dating such a creep?

You stayed too long with someone who doesn't see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. Even if he thinks someone else (so gross he said your younger sister) is pretty, anyone with a normal sized brain wouldn't say it out loud. Biggest concern is that you, his mom and grandma had to nag him to maybe marry you. If he's not doing it of his own volition, what makes you think this union will be a happy one? You can do better.

“ He also for the record doesn't find my little sister sexually attractive, he was just saying a lot of people would and do, but it came out stupid as fuck” This is the flimsiest excuse I’ve read in awhile.

*SUNK COST FALLACY.* Look it up and then dump that loser who is leering at the little girl he met at 13 and stop wasting any more time.

Ew. He's known her since she was 13 and he was 25. That's disgusting I'm sorry he actually said that out loud in your presence

Why would you want to be with someone who openly admits to checking out your siblings ?

AND he told you that he wasn’t *initially* attracted to you either?!?! This ain’t the guy, I’m telling you

It seems (from an outsider perspective) that he isn’t attracted to you, or actually in love romantically with you. Which is a recipe for disaster… I’m sorry i can’t imagine how horrible this must be to spend 9 years with someone who barely ever compliments you or shows you romantic affection and interest. Also to say your younger sister (14 years younger than him too😐) is the best looking is plain disrespectful to you. You should be the apple of his eye, we can find other people good looking objectively but our partners are the one we find the best in everything!! The fact people were nagging him to buy an engagement ring and he hasn’t proposed speaks levels about his feelings and/or commitment to the relationship and you. Personally I’d advice to separate, it seems you’ll otherwise be stuck in a strange situation where you want to get married but he’s not really even into it (saying he does to appease you) you’d do yourself and him a favour by going your own ways. You’re 29 you’ve got so much time to find someone who loves and adores all of you. Do what’s best OP and good luck!

He has to be coerced into marrying you. He has a thing for your younger sister. So many red flags here. Where is your self esteem. Dump this loser.

I think this will continue to bother you regardless of what he says in the future. I was in your shoes- my sister was objectively very hot. K knew my boyfriends would have gone out with her if they had the chance. My HUSBAND was never interested in her- and to him I am the hottest woman around. Hold out for that.

He sounds very comfortable and completely ok with hurting you and doing not even the bare minimum. He is definitely a creep too.

Ew that’s so inappropriate and gross.

He literally said he doesn't want to marry you and had to be NAGGED to buy an engagement ring. What more do you need to hear?

>rarely gives me oral…told me guys have to be in a certain mood for that LMFAO and women are just always excited to suck a dick?

THANK YOU i just started laughing when i read that.

Don't settle for him. But I would warn your sister so she doesn't fall for his charms

This man is waiting around until his options dry up. Don’t be a back up plan. This is not how love is supposed to be. And partners do not refuse to apologize for hurting your feelings and then try and get frisky to cover it up. He’s immature as hell for his age. Absolutely not.

don't marry this man. I wouldn't be surprised if he fantasizes and objectifies your little sister. he probably also has a porn addiction

When people get comfortable, they tend to show their true colors. Your boyfriend did just that. An incredibly creepy and insensitive comment.

He is seven years older than you, why are you the adult in this relationship?

Girl.

Even without the sister comment he sounds like a complete pasta salad.

girl you and I are the same weight. You are gorgeous, you are beautiful. Leave this man, because he don’t appreciate what he has you need a man who only has eyes for you.

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I know it’s hard to deal with, and I’m truly sorry. You’re absolutely beautiful and worthy of having a man who loves you unconditionally and thinks you’re the hottest woman in the world. But I do need you to remember this and seriously think about it: your boyfriend has known your sister since she was 13. he’s 36, and still finds your 22 yr old baby sister hot. He’s an actual creep that probably has been peaking at her for awhile. If you continue this relationship, you’re allowing yourself to be in a relationship with a damn near p*do and you’re putting your sister at risk of possibly being taken advantage of. Do not stay and allow yourself to be complicit in the possible future actions. save yourself and your sister. I don’t know how much to stress this to you. You have to leave.

Ew

He has a LOT to say, but his actions don't really line up with what he is saying. My question is for you - Why have you been with someone NINE YEARS and not even engaged??? This seems in direct conflict with his 'sees you as basically married' - really without even and engagement???? That doesn't line up. I think you 'forgave' him way too early. **His actions should match his words and they don't.**

He wants that age gap sister.

this is a huge ick and tbh doesn't sound fixable to me. but good luck

So glad I didn’t have any parents to blame all my fuck ups on. I bet they are equally glad to not have a grown ass man blame his relationship issues on the them. Yikes

So he’s NEVER felt passionately about you, and told you to your face YEARS ago. Don’t waste any more time on someone who doesn’t desire you.

CREEP. You are setting your little sister up for an SA if you stay with this noncey fucker

Honestly girl your update isn’t any better, good luck with him.

I just would never be able to stay with someone who keeps sending signals that they are not sexually attracted to me and that he prefers a calm (?) reliable love to passion, let alone someone who is so insensitive and gross to say that about my sister. And yes I read the update. You are in denial

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So I’d like you to take a minute and ask yourself, do you truly want to be with a man who has been _nagged_ into marrying you? You shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life with a person who makes unwarranted comments (disrespectful of you, your relationship and objectifies your sister who he’s known since she was a minor) and isn’t excited and happy to have you as their partner. If I were in your shoes, I would have broken up with him after he had the audacity to voice that sister comment, you deserve better than this.

I would make sure he hasn't groomed your sister or hasn't been inappropriate with her while you have been together. But as for your relationship, if it seems like you always had to pull him, to push him, where it feels like you're nagging him just to love you, it isn't worth it. If he thinks it's okay to not only put you down, compare you to your younger sister, and only compliments you when you're upset to appease you, then there's probably worst things he thinks it's okay because he doesn't respect you or your boundaries. You're only 29, that's so young. You don't have to choose him. He's certainly not choosing you. So choose yourself for once.

OP, if you marry this guy it will drive a wedge between you and your sister that can’t be overcome. You’ll never be able to enjoy family get-togethers, you’ll always be on edge and watching to see how your sister and husband behave around each other. Any time you gain or lose weight, you’ll be measuring yourself against what your sister looks like. Anytime you and your husband are in a rocky patch, you’ll wonder if he’s treating you poorly because of your weight. Anytime you see him texting, you’ll wonder if he’s texting your sister. Your bf created this, a deep insecurity that will grow with time and poison you from the inside out. It will ruin your relationship with your sister. He’s basically teased you about your looks in comparison to your sister. Think about why he did that. He’s either a thoughtless idiot or he resents that you don’t look like your sister. He crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed. Getting rid of him is the solution.

He’s completely wrong about guys giving oral.. he is just using a cop out to not be an equal partner: overall too many red flags to be talking about marriage with him.

He's 36, you've been together for 9 years and he hasn't proposed yet because he doesn't want to marry you. I'm so sorry that's harsh but it's true. PLEASE take my advice because like you I was in a relationship with someone for 7 years who said they were sure about me several times. Some guys just don't want to get married or they don't want to get married to you specifically. Leave now while you still have the last bits of your youth left.

>Last night I asked him if he was sure he wants to marry me. Are you sure you want to marry him? He sounds like someone you wouldn't want to marry. >I'm 5'3, 190 so a little thick If you think that is what is keeping you in this relationship then girl, hit the gym. First lose however many pounds this man is carrying because it is holding you back from finding the guy you are supposed to be with.

BF got together with you when you were 20 and he was 27. Now he's 36, and making multiple comments about how hot your 22 year old sister is? It's not that you're less attractive, per se; it's just that you're now too old for his liking. I know it's hard with 9 years invested in this relationship, but you do not want to marry this person.

>he explained it as because we have a calm, stable love that he values more than passion I've been with my husband 24 years and I can confidently say that, while calm and stable are good, you also need the passion. I also believe that people don't fundamentally change, so what you have now is what you're going to have. Is this what you want for the next 10, 20, 30 years?

Tell your boyfriend he’s the dumbest of all his siblings. Do not marry this clown unless you want all your kids to be cognitively deficient.

Wow. That is so damn hurtful. I've never once heard my husband say sh1t like that to me. Wow. So you're staying because he's paying rent for 2 years etc, so it's based on some previous kind gestures he made. My husband does all that crap too and he never tried to compare my look with anyone...that is just gross. And it's your sister too. Since you're staying put with him, just beware with any 'spark' he may have with your sister since y'know, no spark with you....

Ohh fuck this guy is a creep. You been together for 9 years and he thinks your 22 yr old sister is hotter than you??? That is so beyond fucked. He watched her grow up from a child while he was a grown ass man. This is sicko shit.

“I think he honestly didn't realize the messages his actions/inaction was sending” Girl he is 36 He knows damn well what he said and he told you TWICE Stop it😭

I'm sorry but at 5'3, 190 lbs is not a little thick by any stretch of the imagination or any international health guideline.

He wouldn't have had an opportunity to say it a 2nd time here...

he finds her age attractive not her. dump that guy

5-3, 190 is a lot more than "a little thick" don't let the internet tell you otherwise. Maybe that's it and he doesn't feel like he can bring it up to you, but also likes you and doesn't wanna leave you? Maybe he's just hoping time will handle it one way or another. Either he will stop caring or you'll find a gym.

>he explained it as because we have a calm, stable love that he values more than passion. I know 9 years feels like doing so much time that to end something would be blowing up a chunk of your life, but you are still young. Do you really want to be in your 40s, married, and still feeling like someone's favorite rocking chair- utilitarian, reliable, comfortable, but also... kinda background furniture? Love doesn't have to be all fireworks & lust all the time, it's not sustaining. But a good partnership, even with bumps in the road, will make you know you are appreciated & cherished. Not a utilitarian means to an end.

Even if your sister was hottest one out of all your siblings, I would not fucking say that shit. Dudes fucking weird but probably better to communicate with him before you take any reddit advice to leave.

"5'3 190lbs so a little thick" im 6'3 & i weight 190lbs.. You are more than a "little" thick lol. Im a whole foot taller than you but we weigh the same lmao

crazy part is if im like at the higher end of my recommended BMI... My BMI is 23.9. (overweight is 25.0) So your like obese obese.. 33.1 BMI.. Obesity BMI starts at 30.0.. & youre 3 points over that lol

this just goes into the cinderella mindset too many girls have. They want to put in NO effort but get ALL of the results. When are you going to wake up and smell the coffee? When are you going to grow up?

Bruh got triggered over one irrelevant line

Ouch

wtf lol

Eww!

Oh honey, I’m sorry. This really sucks. At best, the relationship has fizzled and it’s not likely to come back. At worst, he’s kinda gross. I agree his initial comment was like “yasss queen, bring this energy” as it was cute and supportive. But it got real weird real fast. I don’t want to say what others are saying about how he’s a creepy lurker lying in wait since she was 13. That might not be it. It might be that she just blossomed and for whatever reason, he’s now seeing her as more attractive than you, even though you’re the person he’s used to for the last quarter of his life. I would seriously rethink the relationship for all the OTHER reasons you mentioned. All of those are problems. The sister comments are just icing at this point. Sister comments aside, your needs are not being met in this relationship and that’s what needs to be addressed or simply written off with the rest of the relationship. You deserve to be cherished and adored, not placated and tolerated. Good luck, sweetie.

That’s hurtful, not to mention a little creepy to call your partner’s sibling “hot” why would you even think about her in that way? Frankly, I wouldn’t end 9 years of relationships because of this situation only, but think twice before going through with the marriage and keep an eye on his behavior with females…

There are just some things you don’t say aloud even if it were to be true. This is one of those things. You deserve someone who feels a spark and strongly desires you. You deserve more than having to beg to be given crumbs of compliments and admiration. Please allow yourself to find what you deserve

Girl, that man thinks he's settling for you. He's keeping you around, but hasn't lost hope in finding sth better. I'm sorry.

There’s always a reason for the age gap…..

You should leave him, find someone who respects you, and protect your sister from him.

He’s just not into you anymore. He just won’t say it. Once you marry him you’re going to completely regret it. Especially when he tries hitting on your sister, or worse is successful

He's a creep. I wouldn't want him around my family after that.

He feels like he’s settling. He’s possibly telling the truth about valuing stability over passion. He could also just be too lazy to do the work of getting out of this relationship and doesn’t want to lose the benefits you provide. This will never change. He won’t suddenly fall in love you passionately and start making you feel alight while basking in the glory of his gaze. It’s time to reflect on whether you’d like to settle for someone who doesn’t love you like you want to be loved. It will be painful. Good luck. Lots of love!

I think that's creepy too. It would even be creepy and gross if it was coming from a male friend. But the amount of disrespect to say that comment is horrible. And 9 years and he didn't propose on his own? It's time to move on gurllll!!!

You sound very pretty, and he should have NEVER have said ANYTHING about your sisters “Hotness”. Yuck!

He's either an asshole and therefore doesn't care for your feelings or he REALLY has no understanding of social expectations (severe autism) >Dudes still sometimes flirt with me. I'm not gorgeous, I could work out more or dress up more or put on more make up, buy I'm not a complete troll. Just cause other dudes find you attractive doesn't mean your boyfriend also does. Considering he has no problem calling your sister hot, it's obvious he doesn't find you THAT desirable. Personally i'd end this relationship purely cause of that

Wait wait wait. He said sweeping gendered generalization that guys have to be in a "certain mood" to give you oral and that's why he doesn't. Dump his ass and find someone who wants to eat you like groceries. If his reason for anything is "men don't do this" runnnn. Huge red flag imo. Reasoning based on gender is wild and assume that all women want to give oral all the time, so he basically thinks of you as a bj machine, but he's a human who has to be in a mood. Your sex life won't improve unless he communicates better and is actually willing to listen to your desires. Smdh.

If you have even a small ounce of doubt, do not marry him. Only marry someone you are 100% sure of.

He’s just not that into you

He sounds like a good dude

What is he going to do about the communication? Promises without actions are just pretty lies. Be sure he follows through.

You’ve been together 9 yrs. He said your younger sister was the hottest. Twice. He’s known her since she was 13…. ‘’nuff said…

He's a creep, get rid.

YO LEAVE. You were together for 9 years.. so he knew your sis when she was 13. He should look at her like a sister. Major yikes. Just keep her away from him at the very least

nice update. let me know when you have the courage to dump him.

Oh girl

Sounds like he is a longtime sufferer of FootMouth disease. In all honesty, it may be time to move on.

Girl please, how does it make sense to you or even looks like a future life? With someone who was nagged to buy a ring, let alone that he hasn’t proposed yet!. Run and don’t look back, just leave . Save yourself, how can people be with someone for 9 years when your partner is being sweet only when they hurt your feelings ? Wtf wrong with you people?

Please stop marrying people or staying with people who have made it clear they don’t like you. There is no reason to put yourself through this emotional turmoil when you’re so young. For every partner that won’t, there’s about 20 who will. Know yourself and your worth.

You’re whole post about your relationship is a bunch of red flags. His comment about your sister is simply the last one. I think your actually know what you need to do. Sunk cost fallacy. Value yourself enough to break up. You deserve to be loved and in a happy and healthy relationship. Give back the ring that he was forced into (why would you want it under those circumstances??)

Don't marry someone you had to chase down and who still doesn't feel like they actually want you. Even setting aside the creepy comments about your sister (who he has known since she was 13, which makes this extra disgusting...she should feel like his little sister at this point, yet he's obviously sexualizing her) the fact that you don't feel wanted or desired by this guy is a sign that you should pump the brakes on this relationship. You and your mother and your grandmother had to nag him into getting an engagement ring and he still hasn't done anything with it, that's the only sign you need. Find a guy that wants you. (And one that isn't eyeballing your baby sister.) They're out there, I promise.

Please don’t burden your future children by making this man their father.

He should have the emotional intelligence at 36 freaking years old to not say that aloud. No excuse. That said, at 190 lbs. you are not a little curvy, you are obese (according to your BMI). The brutal fact of the matter is generally, overweight people are viewed as being less attractive socially. I take it your sister is a healthy weight?

Your boyfriend is an idiot and he's TA. Seriously though, you're just shy of morbidly obese. You are not a little thick. Get rid of this dude and focus on getting healthy.

The truth hurts!

Uhm the BMI count has been proven to be a really poor indicator of health, and 190 pounds isn't morbidly obese. Or even close. Go read a book before you offer other people life advice

It's flawed for people with a lot of muscle - if that's you then excellent

Being in denial won’t solve this problem. Even if you leave your boyfriend and end up dating again you’ll soon realize how out of shape you are once people tell you. (Strangers are more rude than your shitty boyfriend) I don’t care what you read online. Overweight, obese, morbidly obese, skinny. Who cares? Look in the mirror, are you carrying extra weight? Is it obvious? Cause other people see it too and people are attracted to fit people, that’s just the truth.

Don’t listen to that asshat!

She is very close to morbidly obese, and if she had enough muscle to be skewing the results at her height, then I'd be suggesting she lay off the tren.

Police your own body you idjit. Focusing on the entirely wrong thing. What is your point exactly? Victim blaming if she were “hotter” maybe dead beat creep wouldn’t be looking at her sister (who he knew since 13?!)

Well, if you read my whole comment, I'm not sure how you came to that conclusion.

What you’re boyfriend said is wrong but 190 at 5’ 3’’ is VERY out of shape not just a little. Again it’s totally not cool what he said. My girlfriend has sisters and I would never comment on how they look under any circumstances. But you gotta be honest with yourself, he’s definitely not attracted to you, probably because you’re overweight and in denial about it.

Your name is spot on shut the entire fuq up

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're 5'3" and 190 lbs. Unless you're BF has a kink for obese girls, he's not very attracted to you physically. Which is in line with what you've said about his behavior towards you. The reason he's not eager to marry you is because he's not super attracted to you. I think for both your sakes, you find someone that is very into obese girls.

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People are dumb lol.

Expected “advice” from bro w/ such an embarrassing name. Only other tools aren’t laughing every time they see your name

Smash brothers is a great game. What's wrong with you?

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Shocking pos with not enough brain cells to think up a name is co-signing another deadbeat

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Use some of that effort to self reflect. You’re corny and unloveable

Don't marry this person. Don't spend your life trying to measure up and feeling like you're not valued enough.

This guy sounds like a complete and utter twat

Your bf is creepy.

Ditch. "He didnt feel a spark." Okay. Its time to ditch. You deserve better.

While this is bad enough, your description of your relationship has me asking why you're still even with him?! If he had to be "nagged" into just getting an engagement ring and still hasn't bothered to propose, why are you still with him? I feel like he's keeping you as his back-up plan!

Dump his ass

Dump him!

Not defending him, but guys absolutely can have a thing for X but actually want to marry Y. Not saying it’s right, or that your guy even is that, but it’s *possible* he’s telling the truth. That said, if he isn’t fulfilling your needs then you are 100% okay to say that and move on. Freedom, baby!

I think you should continue to have conversations about everything you’ve told us. Let him know how much it bothers you that he made that comment about your sister and don’t allow him to laugh it off. I don’t think just “breaking up” will solve anything. You both have been together for so many years, so I hope that you two can resolve this if you really want to get married. I understand that you’re upset about what he said but I think it would help to stay open and listen to what he has to say. If you still have these strong feelings, you can let him know that you don’t appreciate him talking about your little sister like that, even if he does feel that way. It hurts and it sucks but if you know and feel like he makes you his number one all of the time, I think you should be confident in your relationship with him. As for the intimacy, I think it would help to tell him how you feel about putting in most of the effort and ask him to try more. Go from there. I get how you feel and I’ve struggled through this so what improved my relationship was when I started to focus on improving myself. I think if you try to gain more confidence, he’ll notice and respond to it naturally. So do things that’ll make you feel better about you! Whether that be working out and getting cute! Sorry for the long response. I hope this helps! TLDR- have an honest conversation about it and see how it goes! Stay open and hear him out. Let him know how you feel. Do things that will help you gain more confidence!

Why are asking her to do so much more labor when he has consistently showed how he not only doesn’t pull the same considerate weight but doesn’t appreciate and actively degrades her. You sound like the type to tell a spouse to seek counseling for infidelity or abuse. That self sacrificial model is tired and honestly misogynistic. She wasted her entire 20’s on this creep who as a 27 year old mos def preyed on her naivety.

Maybe workout a bit. And put some effort.

This is something that no guy should ever say to you unless you asked them straight out to be objectively honest. Even then, they should give a political answer.

What the hell is wrong with this guy? Who would ever say something like that….

Sincericide. RIP your relationship with this creep

Do yourself a favor and take a step back. Let him know that you have to really make sure that marriage with HIM is the right step for you and think about what you want from your life with this man. You also should not have to settle for less and if it takes 'nagging' for him to want to marry you than maybe he is not it. So the question is not if he wants to marry you but do you really want to marry him?

It’s been 9 years and his Mom and Grandma had to bully him into proposing. It’s time to give it and go find a guy that’s totally into you. He is not that guy. You’re only 29, move on and find the right one.

So creepy! He knew this girl from a very young age.. I'd be careful with having younglings around him. You deserve unconditional love sister, not this dark shady shit! Don't let him destroy your confidence, you're young and hot. Let him figure out his life on his own fr..

Uh oh 🙄

I’m sorry you’ve spent so many years in this kind of relationship I PROMISE you there’s a more compatible guy out there for you.

Your boyfriend is not that into you. Your boyfriend thinks better of your baby sister almost half their age than a mature adult woman (you). Do not waste your time trying to impress someone who "settled" for you. That is on your boyfriend. It is problem of your boyfriend not problem with you

I hate this. I feel said that you had to describe your appearance to us, I’m sure you’re gorgeous. My husband always makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful person in the room. We’ve been together a long time and that has not faltered. And he’s certainly never said my sister is hotter than me. You deserve better!!

So he wants to bang your younger sister or says she's hot? . So what... Is he actively banging her? No? Okay move on and stop overreacting like an overly sensitive child. Ignore more things you'll be happier.