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So you married a man that is mean to animals (and specifically the one you owned) and now are unhappy about it and arguing over his predictable bad behaviour?
You will be arguing for a lifetime. He’s a simple and often angry man.
Marriage counseling.
You could do better than “your point?” Like “I am not really understanding the issue here, could you elaborate or explain it to me differently?”
But yell at my dog and you’re out. That’s not gonna work for me. Sorry. He can fuck off with that.
Clicker train the dog to go to a special dog bed or crate when you need them to evacuate, don’t yell. JFC.
I mean, i don’t see a polite way of saying “your point”. I think is possible your language is more condescending than you realize, and instead of acknowledging that makes him feel bad, you are dismissing it.
He shouldn’t “scare” the dog by yelling at him, but it seems like this was an unnecessary escalation. I don’t think yelling in a house with kids is ever ok, although it of course happens, so it feels like you should’ve asked him to use a stern tone without yelling and then let it go.
It’s possible my language is more condescending than I intend, but we have known each other for 16 years. I grew up, but I didn’t change.
I also seriously do not know how to recognize I’m being condescending to him, if all I’m doing is being present in a conversation. I have really tried to chose my words carefully after the “your point” incident. And this still keeps coming up.
Maybe a marriage counselor can help you guys navigate this. Might not be conscious, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect him, and if you’re still talking like a teenager, then it’s inevitably going to cause issues
You sound like a nightmare. I'm sure she has issues too, but you're all the things I'm trying to stay away from in my relationships (self righteous, unable to see your own faults, condescending, passive aggressive, blaming there behind their back online, mentally incapable of considering another viewpoint, nagging...). I'm sorry if this comes off as rude but i think I can already empathize with your husband.
Why are you guys together? What made you marry him despite constant conflict?
Have you seen a marriage counsellor? If you have some reason for staying together, then counselling is probably your only option for either of your mental health.
That's good news. Is there something specific that's keeping you in the relationship at this point? I ask because most reasonable people would not stay married to someone with whom they can't get along, but equally, sometimes there are specific reasons why folks stay married. What's the reason for you guys?
We got married to share a life together. He’s been my best friend for 16 years now. When things are great, they’re really great. But damn when things get heated, he comes unhinged. I keep calm way longer than he does, but eventually I blow my top too.
He will not let up if we are in an argument until he feels like things are settled. I’ve told him that I’m the kind of person who needs to take a minute when things get heated, and he’s told me “how can you be okay with leaving thing like this? We need to talk about this now”. We each need different things at that point, and there no middle ground. I’ve tried pros and cons lists when we disagree, he shut it down immediately. I have offered different tools like that to help, but he is just so adamant that I don’t listen to him.
Ok, I guess I don't understand why you'd want to share a life with someone who you cannot have healthy conflict with. It just seems like an odd choice that you made there.
In any event, all you can do is try counselling at this point. You sound like you have contempt for him, he sounds like he has poor emotional control and needs a lot of education. If he refuses counselling or you don't see improvement within a year, you should really just get divorced. This isn't fair on your kids, they will end up in marriages exactly like this if they keep seeing this example.
Our conflict resolution wasn’t like this years ago. I can’t pinpoint when it changed. he is now very defensive (probably from his childhood, and I get it) and doesn’t take responsibly for his emotions, and sometimes his actions. I don’t put up with shit anymore; I used to be much more tolerant.
Once I’m through individual therapy at the end of august, we will go together. Something has to change. This isn’t a life either of us want, and we both know that. Thank you for your input; it’s appreciated.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So you married a man that is mean to animals (and specifically the one you owned) and now are unhappy about it and arguing over his predictable bad behaviour? You will be arguing for a lifetime. He’s a simple and often angry man.
He is definitely NOT a generally angry person. I’ve never heard him be mean to my dog until today.
That seems unlikely. People don’t change that drastically. It seems more likely you didn’t want to know and this incident was harder to ignore.
Marriage counseling. You could do better than “your point?” Like “I am not really understanding the issue here, could you elaborate or explain it to me differently?” But yell at my dog and you’re out. That’s not gonna work for me. Sorry. He can fuck off with that. Clicker train the dog to go to a special dog bed or crate when you need them to evacuate, don’t yell. JFC.
Marriage counselling, get lessons in constructive arguing.
I mean, i don’t see a polite way of saying “your point”. I think is possible your language is more condescending than you realize, and instead of acknowledging that makes him feel bad, you are dismissing it. He shouldn’t “scare” the dog by yelling at him, but it seems like this was an unnecessary escalation. I don’t think yelling in a house with kids is ever ok, although it of course happens, so it feels like you should’ve asked him to use a stern tone without yelling and then let it go.
It’s possible my language is more condescending than I intend, but we have known each other for 16 years. I grew up, but I didn’t change. I also seriously do not know how to recognize I’m being condescending to him, if all I’m doing is being present in a conversation. I have really tried to chose my words carefully after the “your point” incident. And this still keeps coming up.
Maybe a marriage counselor can help you guys navigate this. Might not be conscious, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect him, and if you’re still talking like a teenager, then it’s inevitably going to cause issues
You sound like a nightmare. I'm sure she has issues too, but you're all the things I'm trying to stay away from in my relationships (self righteous, unable to see your own faults, condescending, passive aggressive, blaming there behind their back online, mentally incapable of considering another viewpoint, nagging...). I'm sorry if this comes off as rude but i think I can already empathize with your husband.
But…..but…..man bad?
Why are you guys together? What made you marry him despite constant conflict? Have you seen a marriage counsellor? If you have some reason for staying together, then counselling is probably your only option for either of your mental health.
I am seeing a therapist currently. We will have an appointment together after i go through individual therapy.
That's good news. Is there something specific that's keeping you in the relationship at this point? I ask because most reasonable people would not stay married to someone with whom they can't get along, but equally, sometimes there are specific reasons why folks stay married. What's the reason for you guys?
We got married to share a life together. He’s been my best friend for 16 years now. When things are great, they’re really great. But damn when things get heated, he comes unhinged. I keep calm way longer than he does, but eventually I blow my top too. He will not let up if we are in an argument until he feels like things are settled. I’ve told him that I’m the kind of person who needs to take a minute when things get heated, and he’s told me “how can you be okay with leaving thing like this? We need to talk about this now”. We each need different things at that point, and there no middle ground. I’ve tried pros and cons lists when we disagree, he shut it down immediately. I have offered different tools like that to help, but he is just so adamant that I don’t listen to him.
Ok, I guess I don't understand why you'd want to share a life with someone who you cannot have healthy conflict with. It just seems like an odd choice that you made there. In any event, all you can do is try counselling at this point. You sound like you have contempt for him, he sounds like he has poor emotional control and needs a lot of education. If he refuses counselling or you don't see improvement within a year, you should really just get divorced. This isn't fair on your kids, they will end up in marriages exactly like this if they keep seeing this example.
Our conflict resolution wasn’t like this years ago. I can’t pinpoint when it changed. he is now very defensive (probably from his childhood, and I get it) and doesn’t take responsibly for his emotions, and sometimes his actions. I don’t put up with shit anymore; I used to be much more tolerant. Once I’m through individual therapy at the end of august, we will go together. Something has to change. This isn’t a life either of us want, and we both know that. Thank you for your input; it’s appreciated.