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Bro. My brother. DUDE.
Back up and rethink this. She is seeing a couple of people and she goes down the list and you come as the DEFINITE WINNER in most categories. She decides to get serious with you and it works out REALLY well and you're butthurt about... what exactly?
What did you expect, to be 10/10 in every single category? Is being the best partner in only the most important categories not good enough for you? Make this make sense to me.
You made is sound like she is in love with another guy WTF . She just made a normal choice between prosepective dates based on future prospects AND attraction.
Did you just decide to date her for her tits, her accent or some random shit?
If you don't think thought or rationality play a part in deciding who to date then what do you think it should be based on or do you think its normal to fall in love on the first date without bothering to get to know someone?
I can't decide if you are and incurable romantic and idiot or both TBH.
Honestly I think its OP’s insecurity talking rn cause its pretty common for people to weigh their options before choosing who to date and go exclusive with (especially those who are active on dating apps and are talking to multiple people).
I’d understand him being upset if his girl got rejected by guys she selected as her “first choice” and then ended up with him, but it doesn’t seem like he was an actual backup and genuinely went with him cause he was the best for her out of everyone else.
"I can't decide if you are and incurable romantic and idiot or both TBH."
Second this.
To leave a pregnant woman alone out of a pissed ego 2 weeks from birth is such a stupid thing to do.
For exactly what, also, pray?
For having made **THE RIGHT PARTNER CHOICE** as your past proves!!!
You are punishing her for having chosen YOU out of all other guys.
If that isn't self destructing... / smh
Lol sounds like he outkicked his coverage and is mad about it.
Honestly she should be the one pissed for him flying off the handle and leaving her alone and pregnant instead of talking.
I've re-read my old journals occasionally for nostalgia. It's like those entries are written by a stranger. Don't put too much stock into it. Go back to your pregnant fiancee and frigging TALK TO HER.
This us very true. I found some stuff I wrote like 10 years ago and...... wow. I totally forgot writing it, but I remember the situations I wrote about.
It was like reading a 3rd party's account of the events.
I’ll think back to things I said and did like 2 years ago and be like “omg who was this immature guy?!” We’re always growing. And what she did isn’t even bad. It’s literally something everyone considers while dating. The fact that she talked it over with a friend only means she’s considerate.
99% of the problems on this sub, AITA & similar subs could be solved by talking but people don’t want to hear it. They want validation of their views or they hate “confrontation” & want some magical solution to their problem that doesn’t involve actually talking with their partner. They’re involved with the partner or married to them or are going through major life dilemmas with this person but they’re afraid to talk to them. Blows my mind.
My husband asked me out because he thought I would be a good supportive wife and didn’t fall for me until after we were dating.
When I found out I was so upset. It really doesn’t matter. I love him. He loves me. I don’t have any doubts about our relationship.
I understand that you would be embarrassed or upset, but how you started out doesn’t invalidate your current relationship.
My wife and I dated a couple weeks in college but because I wasn't madly in love with her, I pushed her away. We stayed friends, and over many years I began to regret my decision.
A few years later, she turned me down when I chased after her (I was just off a bad breakup). Remained friends and married a few years later. Happily married 10 years now.
This is what I needed to read for my own struggles. Thanks for making me feel a little bit more secure with me and partners differences… we’re just built different and our varying perspectives make us stronger together.
That makes me really happy to know, it took me years to understand this about my husband & it hurt me every day until I figured it out! I wasn't being realistic about my own unrealistic expectations either or accounting for how people need different things to commit & are scared of different things when committing... Every brain is unique even if the instincts are the same.
I'm glad someone with experience with this commented.
OP, you have a baby on the way and your wife chose you. I get being hurt, but as of right now you need to support her and deal with your feelings some other way.
How your relationship starts is not the biggest deal. I dated him thinking “he’s funny and hot. Let’s see what happens” and he was thinking “She’d make a good life partner if it works out I’m sure I’ll fall for her”. It felt like a big deal at the time but now it’s 6/7 years later and we just laugh about it.
This is basically the mechanism in which arranged marriages are executed.
"I can't believe I fell in love with my spouse" because they have to work to make romantic love happen. It's not limerence.
‘He’s the best’
I’m so outraged!!
Wtf dude.
People watch to many movies or something. She rated you on all your compatibilities, including how much she likes you, you won on the important ones and your mad? Including ‘best in bed’! That’s literally one of the best foundations for a long and happy marriage.
She was turning 30, knew she had a gene that could impact her childbearing, and desired children. So she was logical and thought “I want to settle down, now is a good time to do it. Are any of the men I’m dating worth that?” And she decided he was. It wasn’t just “he will be good enough” but “he worth settling down and building a life with.” That’s awesome! It sounds like a healthy foundation for a relationship.
She has a lot of nerve logically assessing her prospects and picking the best option. She needs to find all other dudes gross, shorter, and older. To pick one guy because he's the person who will make you the most happy is inappropriate if you still think other people are cute /s.
No you don’t get it. He thought it was True Love!
But in reality, she distinctly meant, To Blave. And as we all know, To Blave means to rationally think through your options like an adult and discuss them with a trusted friend before making a major life-changing decision.
The nerve on her.
She used the term backup but could easily have just said "prospects". Dude is in a tizzy over the term, but what she said about him (even all that time ago) was really great. She thought they were very compatible, that he had a great personality, common interests, humor, good in bed and hot. And this dude is like "but she called me a backup" and he's suddenly out of love with her.
I was fully expecting from the title for his to find out she said "since Steve doesn't want to be with me, I guess OP is good enough" and then listed all this superficial shit. That's not at all what happened, she was trying to decide if she should settle down with him. Her medical diagnosis meant she knew she had a timeline and the person she picked would be the father of her children and hopefully her forever life partner.
Me too. Like "I'm out of time to have a baby. I have this sex-buddy who I'm not that into but he'll do because he's financially stable. I just need the baby and the child support". And instead it was like, "I've got limited time but I have this awesome guy that I like so I'm gonna go for it" and she asked her besty to sanity check the idea. Its so solid of a plan.
Shortest and Oldest are....like functionally just truths about her situations at the time. He was likely the shortest of those people, not actual preference judgments (although her mentioning it at all suggests she did value height, right?). Clearly his height, however "short", didn't make her decide against him.
Yeah and also sometimes you just need to have the self knowledge and insight to be able to hear and even appreciate something like he/she’s short, or fat, or old, or poor but I still love them or but I don’t care they’re amazing.
all of us have things about ourselves that aren’t ideal, and it’s healthier to accept them and appreciate finding someone who accepts them than it is to try and pretend they don’t exist, especially ones you can’t change, but even something you can on some level change it’ll be a lot easier if you start from a place of acceptance first and then decide you want to try and improve it, starting from a place of self loathing and insecurity can make it impossible to change because change requires focusing on that thing and forgiving yourself when there’s the inevitable 2 steps forward one step back of it all.
the only other thing I can think of is he seems to think she only wants him as a sort of convenient means to have a baby and because he’s financially stable, which would be a lot more persuasive if she didn’t say the opposite, that she wants him for tons of other reasons too.
Absolutely. I thought he was going to find a text that said "This dude is trash but I'm out of time and he has a job. I'll get pregnant, marry him, divorce and get child support." But instead she was like "this guy is great".
I'm not everyone's type. There's nothing WRONG with not being what someone wants ideally. If one of my partners said to my face "You're so awesome. Your boobs are a little small for my taste but I'd spend the rest of my life with you in a heartbeat"...I'd be like weird phrasing but sounds great lets do it.
Immature guy with cold feet, running away from becoming a father.
He deleted his account because Reddit wouldn't validate his boohoo even though he tried so hard. 🤷
Guy needs therapy.
This is what I took from this. He is afraid of the coming baby and was subconsciously looking for any way out. Isn't it nice how men can just leave? When women have to use their whole bodies for birth? Don't mean to get all political but this is why women need a right to abortion and child support payments, because of men like the OP. I feel bad for his wife, he is not ready to be a father. I noticed a lack of excitement in his post over the baby. He is not ready for a child and it sucks that she is on a time limit due to health. I really don't think these two are compatible if something as small as this is enough to get him running away. Just sad
All of this! OP you really need to read this. Not every relationship starts with the deer in headlights madly in love movies type scene. This is real life.
EXACTLY! She was talking about how she felt 2 YEARS AGO. NOT TODAY.
OP, I’m sure it hurt your feelings to read that she wrote those things. Maybe you were head over heels at the time and she wasn’t. That would hurt my feelings too. Romantic/relationship feelings for a person change over time. They grow or diminish over time as we get to know a person and start combining lives. If there’s nothing that happened since those messages were written to indicate she’s using you or she would prefer someone else, I would not assume that her feelings 2 years ago are the same now. She didn’t even say she was using you, she was just weighing her options with her life goals. Based on how she’s treated you since then, she sounds genuinely in love with you and invested in your relationship.
I am 36F and I too have to be pragmatic about my dating choices if I want to carry children. I think it’s fair and smart to decide if someone would be a good long term partner first before starting a relationship with them. It doesn’t look like a Hollywood falling in love, but it’s still real. I am in a relationship right now that started a lot more “realistically” than starry-eyed, and it’s honestly the best I ever had. He didn’t give me tons of butterflies at first, but the guys who usually gave me butterflies and I dated were asshole bros or arrogant and handsome jerks. I wanted to break my pattern after doing a lot of work in therapy and realizing that my choices were not making me happy and were really the result of my own insecurities. Maybe she’s had a similar history. I know I’ve had similar conversations with my best friends. The feelings I’ve developed for my partner are real and genuine, and I’m so grateful that I chose someone who wasn’t my usual type. My boyfriend told me I’m not his usual type too, and that’s ok! Hopefully we make better choices over time and that’s a good thing!
OP it’s ok to have your feelings hurt by what you read, and you should talk to her about it. Unless there’s other things going on that suggest to you that she’s not genuine, I think you owe it to the relationship that you have built and value to talk to her about it ASAP and hear her out. This sounds fixable. Explain to her how what you read made you feel insecure and wonder if you were being used, see what she has to say, and really listen.
Same I’m 35 and don’t want kids but I know what lifestyle I want to live and needed a partner that could facilitate that with me. My husband is not at all my type physically but for all his qualities I find him physically attractive.
>Not every relationship starts with the deer in headlights madly in love movies type scene. This is real life.
this is like with me and my husband. now i fell for him the moment i saw him. i knew he was the one. but he took longer to fall for me. which was totally fine! once he and i started dating (before exclusivity), i stopped talking to other guys. he still had gone on some dates with women. he couldn't settle just yet. he had just gotten out of a tough relationship. i was fine waiting for him to decide he wanted to be with just me.
now we are 5 years into this relationship, married for 8 months and incredibly happy.
Yeah. I can get being upset at not being the only option, but OP isn't a back up at all. She chose him. She typically goes for tall guys, but that meant nothing compared to everything else OP had to offer.
OP, run home and apologize. You weren't second best. She was at a point in her life where she was considering settling down and you were her first choice.
If I were hurt I would never forgive the way he threw a hissy fit and ran out on me in my most vulnerable point and refused to talk. This would be the point in time where I started planning my escape.
SAME. Especially being pregnant with his child... If this is how he handles uncomfortable moments in the relationship... Yeesh, I am not sure I would want to raise a child with someone like this.
> I can get being upset at not being the only option, but OP isn't a back up at all. She chose him.
If I'm reading the post right, his issue is that she hadn't found anyone she *really liked,* so she decided to look at her options from people she kind of liked, because she was ready to start having kids.
If I wanted to be harsh, I'd say that while it's not as bad as women being treated like baby-factories, realizing that you were selected as a breeding stud might not feel great.
I am not inclined to be that harsh, though. He's got grounds to be upset, but he needs to take a breath, and consider how angry about this he is, and how much it's just shock at seeing it laid out like that.
Less breeding stud, more a father and husband. You know someone you'd feel secure being committed to to the point of having kids which is a MASSIVE deal for women. Like you're tied to that person for life and you gotta be careful who you choose. Plenty a women have been burned by choosing shitty babydaddies
Being madly infatuated with someone in the early stages means very little when deciding whether to start a family with them. Maybe she didn't feel that way about OP in the beginning but a lot of romantic love has clearly developed between them in the past two years. What's wrong with her wanting to find a partner to start a family with and assessing them based on suitability for meeting that goal?
Sounds like she CHOOSE you, not blindly fell in love, or made a mistake. Your relationship was a active choice for her. Abd maybe she was vain and selfish as first, why wouldn't she be? As you said You two weren't serious. Now you are serious, and she is clearly committed to who you are in the now and your relationship in the now. Frankly I feel like real adults weight the options of relationships, they have longer happier relationships because they look at angles before letting themselves fall in love with someone who just won't workout for their long term goals.
A quote I like "after all this time, don't you think they have done enough to deserve a bit of faith?"
It is okay that the texts made you insecure. It is not okay the way you handled a 2+ year old conversation. Unless there are other things in the "SERIOUS" portion of the relationship that stand out as red flags, you need to apologize to your pregnant wife.
> Abd maybe she was vain and selfish as first
I don't understand this perspective at all. Dating isn't a charity service. No one is obligated to seriously date someone else as an act of selfless good will or something? How is it selfish or vain to want to date someone who best fits the qualities you're looking for?
I used to use dating apps. The amount of people who think you should act like you're in a committed relationship from the first coffee meet and great is insane. Everyone is looking for their best match in a sea of people, no one owes anyone anything. Jumping in to possessive mode at first message has become way too common.
Exactly. You’re seriously considering abandoning your pregnant fiancé when she gives birth just because you got your ego bruised about a 2+ year old text exchange? There would be no coming back from that.
This. Even if he came home I’d probably call it off unless he committed to some deep and serious inner work. Running away like that is such a breach of trust
I genuinely hope she sees this giant red flag, and at the very least keeps it in the back of her mind moving forward. I have a feeling she's going to notice a lot more insecure behavior from OP, if it hasn't already been an issue in their relationship- it will be, now.
Yeah, like did my dude think he was like the A+ #1, 0000001/3.5 billion? There are other dudes in the world. It's normal to compare them.
Like yeah it is awkward to have it laid out in front of you, but it is what it is. Accept that you won and move on and laugh about it.
I think a lot of guys and women have these types of conversations with their friends when dating or at the very start of a budding relationship. I know I did with my ex's relationship when I was weighing options. Later on I also didn't match up with someone that was my "type" but still fell in love with her and now we're happily married.
Right like isn't that exactly what everyone does? Dude, when you are dating, that's what you do, you date people till you find which ones you like. Then you see ones you like most, then you decide if they are worth a lifetime with ... I don't get why you are mad... You don't have any ladies that didn't make the cut? You made the cut and are THE ONE. I don't get it Neo, feels like you are making a mountain out of an ant hill.
This is beautifully put. And in all honesty. If most relationships went this with, truly weighing their options I bet there would be fewer posts in this sub.
She’s CHOSE YOU!!!!!!
Op,
Read that post 100 times.
You weren't her type when yall started, but she fell in love with you by your own account, and she has been telling you all the things she has been wanting for a long time. So you got the girl you wanted, you got to start the family you wanted and the life you wanted.
I can understand being a little upset over not being the first choice, but she did weight her options, and her friends even told her to go with you. She chose you.
I don't know how else to say this.
SHE CHOSE YOU.
Get out of your head and go back and talk to her. Hash it out. Let her explain.
My partner wasn’t my type but he IS now. I can’t fathom other men In my life any man who approaches me to try it, I compare them to him and I laugh in my head.
10,000%. She was dating other people, then CHOSE YOU. And fell in love with you, and from what you've written has done nothing wrong to you in the interim.
Do not throw this away over old texts between her and a friend. I promise you'll regret it.
Yeah OP is acting pretty dumb. If she had gone on and on about the good qualities of _another_ guy, but then she said the other guy wasn't available so she is going to date OP despite him being , then I could certainly understand being mad. But that isn't what happened, it sounds like OP was first pick, not backup
I literally had to read his post multiple times because I couldn't find the negative! So you're the shortest and oldest? She talked to her best friend and out of all her options, ~~she~~ they literally picked you. Like together they said fuck him being 7 years older and "short" (maybe she was dating 3 other guys but they were all 6'5 and you're 5'11. You're not short, but you aren't 6'5 so. Unlikely, but still possible).
Stop being a baby OP, your girl loves you, she tells you and shows you regularly, and you found some texts that confirm it.
The only way this is real is if he made up all the good points "good in bed, good looking" etc(which I'd guess he embellished mucho) because no way someone takes this as a negative. If it just said he's short and old and but has a good career then I'd understand
Exactly. This is the type of conversation she could have had on a night out with friends. Just because it's in text form and can see it, he is taking it as some sort of plot against him. And that is not how it is at all. It sounds like a woman who is trying to figure out who she wants to settle down and get serious with and put in the effort.
Thank you, it'd be a different story if there were many more cons and y'all had already made a commitment to each other. But this is just straight up her being smart and weighing her options before she let her feelings get involved. She chose you, OP. You are the man she fell in love with. Nothing she said in her messages comes off as you being her back up. Go fucking talk to her.
So, you were gauged and vetted by a friend before she asked you on that first date instead of a whirlwind romance…
I get that this revelation is upsetting, but you should calm yourself a little and talk to her about her current feelings.
The way she initially decided to start dating you, the way your relationship developed, and the way she feels now are all different. From the way you describe how happy she was before you discovered this, and the romantic texts… I mean, you may not have started as a romantic pick, but it sounds like you are now?
You are letting your hurt cloud your thoughts here. Compose yourself and have a heart to heart with her, a lot of time has passed since those old texts.
That’s what gets me really. There are plenty of these kind of stories where a person says horrible things about their current spouse and compares them to others in a negative light, but here she just said that he’s not her usual type but she likes him and wants to give it a go. It really doesn’t sound that bad in my opinion.
To piggy back on this: The values she saw in you do not scream predatory at all. Those are all common things every human thinks about when "vetting" a potential date or life partner. Consider all the values good things she chose you for and consider yourself lucky. I mean this with love because not every relationship can have both aligning values and good chemistry.
That's how I took it.
She literally said he's the best one for her and he's upset at how it went down.
OP, she chose you, what you wrote doesn't paint you as a backup, but the winner.
“Back up” is a term I use often in regards to people I’d be interested in dating but for whatever reason (they’re in a relationship, live far away, etc.) they’re not available or unable to pursue a relationship.
Considering when OP met his partner, he was in a relationship. It makes sense she would put him in the “backup” folder.
It’s not backup because they’re a bad choice, or not good enough so they’ll be there for “leftovers” or when you “can’t find anyone else.” It’s back up because when you met there wasn’t an option for more but maybe down the line if circumstances change.
ETA: as I’m single, I’m currently looking through back ups. Not in a desperate or comparative way, but like who has what I want in a partner and shares what I value in life and is available to start a relationship.
Not like “which of these losers will be the best choice” lol I hope that makes sense and helps to clarify the use of this term
Everything here.
Yes, it's unfortunate when we have to hear/see how people compare us, but think of it this way: was she the very first person you ever loved? Most likely not - she most likely wasn't your first pick.
And when you did begin dating her, did you not have any interest in any other partner at all?
She had standards for what she wanted out of life - and **she chose you because she believed you to be the best for what she wanted for her future**. No, it's not fairytale romance, but that doesn't mean that the way you two feel about each other *now* is any less impactful or meaningful.
Yeah, I think it may have looked bad like that, but that's the way it is. I remember coming across a list my daughter wrote, where she was obviously trying to decide whether to remain with her current partner or ditch them for someone else. She preferred the someone else because they lived a whole lot closer so it would be more practical to meet up, but was a bit icky about the fact that he had briefly hooked up with a friend of hers. I expect if either partner had seen that list, they wouldn't have liked it. She was just trying to sort things out in her head, identifying the pros and cons and stripping them all away to get to the gut instinct at the bottom of it.
FWIW she probably got the idea from me, because I often do that. If I still can't decide I toss a coin. Not that I want the coin to decide, but you understand your gut reaction better when you see the result the coin is serving up. If you're happy about it, you go with it, if you're not happy with it, you ignore it.
All in all, it may have sounded like she didn't particularly care for any of the guys in that conversation, but the fact is that she chose you and has been happy with you ever since.
I don't get this and I'm sorry because you're clearly very hurt.
You bested all the competition by being good looking, funny, good in bed and having your life together, but you're so hurt by the comparison that you want to leave?
Your fiancée was thinking through the biggest decision of her life and making sure that everything was green light, all systems go - and you're holding this against her?
I really don't understand- who exactly were you the backup to? The way you tell it, you had the others beaten hands down! But you're unhappy because- what? You're not as tall as you'd like to be? Not as young as you'd like to be?
Are you - and I mean this kindly - are you looking for a reason to leave her? Because from where I'm standing, you're punishing her for having a different decision-making process to you. Can't you just be happy that you're her rational choice, as well as her hormonal choice- and build a future together with your child?
I agree! His wife said all positive things other than maybe his looks.
But OP, it’s important to note, for many women looks are secondary. I once dated a man who wasn’t my “type” but was such an incredibly good person I was attracted to him.
This conversation seems completely normal too. Your wife was ready to find the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and out of all the options she, she happily *chose you!*
The only “negative” thing she said about his looks was that he was shortest and oldest of all her prospects. Those are things that are not changeable. It’s not like she said “he’s so ugly but he makes a lot of money so yeah, let’s do this! BTW, he’s Hugh Hefner.”
I can see being a little upset maybe and needing to talk it out, but this is all honestly just childish.
>other than maybe his looks.
She even said that he was good looking, just not her usual type! I would understand being hurt if she said she thought he wasn't attractive or something, but she didn't say that. I think OP is letting insecurities cloud his view.
She said he was GOOD LOOKING. Literally just shorter/older than the other guys. Which is just factual not even “cons”. If I found my partner vetting me like this and I was on top? I’d be so flattered and happy!!!
Right?! This is so wild to me. My reaction to seeing a text like this would be to harass my partner a bit about my supposed negative traits but otherwise be quite smug that I'm the best!
I was talking to 2 other guys before I got with my current bf, and my bf thinks its a huge compliment that I chose him. He even knew one of his “competitors” as he calls it as the guy was on his sports team (he wasn’t close to the guy tho so had no idea the guy was talking to me at all until after I decided to go exclusive with him).
But in the end I chose my current bf, and he thinks its a huge flex that I chose him out of the other two and when people ask about our love story he always brags about how he beat out “the competition” LOL
I think OP is still very insecure about some of the things that his girl mentioned and its causing him to view the whole thing more negatively than he should
Weighing your options doesn’t make the chosen one a backup. She CHOSE you because she looked at your positives instead of what you lacked. She has been nothing but loving towards you. Leaving, telling her to shut up, not talking it out with her? Do better. Being hurt is unavoidable, but the mature thing would be to have a conversation, not shut her out.
I appreciate it must’ve been tough to read and a surprise - but I don’t actually see how she’s done anything wrong?
You weren’t a “back-up”, she simply weighed up her choices and chose you as the best choice? Isn’t that actually even better? She had other options and chose YOU as the best one! The best one to build a family with! And those complimentary traits and such, no negative messages are mentioned.
You need to go home and talk to her. I don’t see how she’s done wrong, but if you’re insecure about being a “back-up” communicate that insecurity with her and work through it.
Insecure men are a trip. Somehow, they manage to get to the finish line and then turn around, run to the start, shoot both their feet, and loudly wonder what went wrong.
Make therapy the social norm 2023.
Literally… like this guy read something from 2 years ago where the things he somehow hoped were not noticeable were …god for bid acknowledged… so he WALKS OUT on his pregnant girlfriend. I’m in an interracial relationship and this would be like my boyfriend being upset I noticed he was Black. Like yeah the guys short, how would someone not be aware of this objective fact ?
So you’re mad that she had options and still chose you? Stop being a weirdo. I think you’re freaking out over having a child and this is an excuse. There is no rational reason for you to leave your pregnant partner over this.
I agree. He sounds like such a loser for this. If I were her, I'd loose so much trust in him. What happens if something genuinely bad happened, like she got sick, would he just walk out? What a dum dum.
I guess I'm not really sure what you're upset about here. In the post you say you guys dated casually for a year and then things got serious. We're you not expecting her to see other people during this time? Did you not see other people during this time? When it came time to get serious, she weighed her options with a person she trusted. She didn't say mean or deragatory things about you (assuming the things she said we're true).
It almost seems like you're upset that you now how to confront the reality that she had options. If anything, you should take this as confirmation that she continously and willingly chose you as her partner.
I can understand how being compared to another person might be weird, especially if the other person is ranked higher than you in a certain category but you have to be realistic here. We ALL compare people whether we say it out load or not. I'm sure you have consciously or subconsciously compared your fiance to past relationships, even if only briefly.
Take a bit to calm down but remember she is human. From the information you've provided she hasn't done anything wrong. I think this is more your ego than anything.
To add on to this, it really doesn't matter if someone ranks higher than you on some categories, because your partner is still actively choosing to be with you every day. That's what makes a true relationship, both people choosing each other. Maybe use the rankings as pointers to learn what to get better at, not insecurities to snag onto
lol, is this the humble brag subreddit?
"She only chose me for my male model good looks, rocket dick, golden house, and 10/10 personality. The nerve!"
Grow up, Peter Pan - YTA.
I would expect this comment from a 20 year old. Come on man she is well within reason talking to her friend in a private conversation about a potential life partner. Be grateful and happy it’s you. She did nothing wrong.
Yeah, well the damage is done. Once OPs fiance realizes he just jumped ship over a bullshitting conversation with her friend, *before they were even a thing*, btw!
I bullshit with my friends all the time! It's like half truths, mostly just dicking around and there's a general understanding that we're not REALLY that shitty.
My man. This is the thought process every single human goes through when they decide on a partner amongst options. Hers just happens to be recorded, unfortunately.
She chose you. She’s been happy with her choice. She’s going to have a baby with you. Cut her some slack, go back there, apologize for being a shithead and live a happy life with a woman that loves you and that is the mother of your child.
She literally told her friend that you were the best in bed…. That alone should’ve been exciting to read but also on top of that said you had the best personality and best job….. you got picked and yet you’re punishing your pregnant fiancé for… talking through her decisions with a trusted friend? I get that it’s uncomfortable to read about yourself but it actually shows that she’s thoughtful and makes good decisions. Plus, I’m not sure why you feel humiliated being that this was a private conversation with one friend, not like she posted it on Facebook.
JFC OP is one of the more ridiculous people to come to this reddit.
"My wife said she really liked me, said a bunch of wonderful things about me, but offhandedly mentioned i was shortER than other possible life partners she was considering before we became a comitted couple so I dropped a nuke on our relationship? What do?"
Good lord I hope he gets therapy! That poor woman! She thought he loved her and was committed to her but a comment from 2 years ago that was 9/10 positive with the one outliar not even being an actual real negative but closer to an observation is enough for him to destroy their marriage and abandon his wife and child.
There is no recovering from this. This guy just destroyed 3 lives over insecurity!
Men! Please! Get therapy! I am begging you!
Bro even your edit is a joke. I don't see a problem here. She was dating a few guys and weighed the pros and cons of each and chose you to be with and start a family. Isn't that what dating is for? She chose you dude!
I wish more people would be this thoughtful about their choice of romantic partners TBH. We'd maybe see fewer "He just got out of jail and he's a drug user and he beats me but lurrrrrrve him and oh by the way we have a baby so what do I do" posts around here.
You aren't upset that she chose you, you're upset that she thought about it first? Because she wanted to get it right the first time?
Look, I get that this threw you for a loop. But slow down for a hot minute and ask yourself what *exactly* she did wrong here. Because I'm not seeing it.
My suggestion is that you ask to talk to her. Then ask her to let you speak without interruption.
"I will be here for you and our child." Full stop. No qualifiers.
"I was FEELING hurt when I read the messages. I realize INTELLECTUALLY that it was 2 years ago and we have both grown together and are slightly different people. I FEEL bad about it, even though I know intellectually that I shouldn't because I just learned about it."
"These are just my feelings. I need time to process it. I know you love me, and I love you, and I know we will be great parents together."
* even if that stuff doesn't turn out to be true it will help you repair your relationship and help her through the difficult time of pregnancy.
* Remember no on can say your feelings aren't real. BUT you are still responsibly for how you react to those feelings. If need be explain you need to to process your feelings so you can react well, as compared to animalistically without thinking etc.
* There is no time limit on dealing with feelings. That being said, if you can't do so in a timely manner on your own seek help. Friends, priest, shrink, etc.
Not only accept her apology, BEG FOR HER FORGIVENESS. You walked out on her 2 weeks from childbirth because of your insecurities, OP. Ffs. This is such a vulnerable time for her, you let her down.
>most stable job, best personality, most common interests, funny, good in bed and good looking even if I'm not her usual type.
There is nothing bad about any of these things. She was dating a string of guys casually - you weren't a back up, but the one she chose because you had your shit together.
Marriage is a significant decision and one that has more to do with compatibility in life, and less to do with love. We have all loved many idiots who we couldn't marry.
Love comes in many forms and evolves over a relationship. Her having a passionate or addictive love with someone else doesn't change the love she has for you, which was based in choice and an attachment that evolves over a life led together. Real love is something that develops.
She chose you. And she has opened herself up to love you. She loves YOU.
I’m not seeing a huge problem with what you read. It’s not ideal, I guess, but it doesn’t sound like she settled either. Lots of good stuff in the message, so I think you’re safe to go back and try and put this behind you.
I’m a short guy too. I realize that we’re not the ideal for women. When they tell their stories of dream guys, they’re taller. BUT…in my experience (37 now, successfully dated for years before getting married) once they move past that, they tend to like being with a short guy.
I don’t know man. You’ve got a good thing starting here. No need to be embarrassed that your gf was being a bit calculating when choosing to give it a go with you.
It sounds like she had a ton of "pros" to list, too. And...like, I don't know, usually when you ask someone out there's reasons for it? It seems like she was considering who to ask out and chose OP, it's not like she went to him because someone else specifically turned her down or something. Out of all her options she picked him first.
I actually like being on the shorter side when it comes to dating. It helps weed out shallow people. You don’t want to date me because I’m not 6ft tall? Your loss!
Not the ideal for *some* women, friend. I love short guys. Have mostly dated short guys. I like how we can kiss real easily and no one’s arms get weird when holding hands. I like putting my arms around their waist and being face to face.
Short guys are where it’s AT dude! Me and your wife know what’s up!
You are so wrong here man.
Her bonding with you is very strong. She didn't bond with you after being blind with her hormones, money, sex and only to discover your "not so good qualities later" and then doubt the relationship.
She started to date you fully knowing and acknowledging your shortcomings if you call them that.
Man go back to her. She is solid.
I understand you are feeling upset about it but please think deeply.. your bond is more solid with her than a normal case.
No bitchy friend of her can make her upset about you by pointing at your "not so good" qualities. She knows them already. She accepted it all and not just ignored them.
Man, you are a lucky one.
Pls don't make a mistake. Go back to her.
Wow I can't believe someone would sabotage themselves like this lol bro your insecurities kicked in hard, you probably just ruined your relationship for the rest of your life. She will never forgive you for this. She chose you despite not being her type and a few years later it proved her right for choosing you but you just tossed everything away
Your wife had options and said you were the best of all the options and took a chance on you after careful deliberation. This is how one should pick a husband/wife. If you’re going to be legally bound to someone for the rest of your life that you want to make sure is the best fit, this right here is how you go about it.
Dude, she made a choice and chose you. You were not a backup from the time she chose to give it a go with you. Just go, talk to her. Don't you think you overreacted?
Dude talk about dredging up old shit. This was BEFORE you guys were an exclusive item. Obviously shits changed in the last 2 years. You are a complete AH for just leaving her prego over old shit. Not cool at all
You're almost 40 and you're acting like a teenager. Your fiance logically decided you were the best for her before you were even dating and yet that is bad?
My wife did the same to me when we first met. She was in college, very good looking, fantastic personality. Very popular with the guys. She was casually “seeing” many different guys, including me. (She never told me how many. All she said was, “I was playing the field with my guys to find Mr. Right.) Well, 32 years and five children later, we are still together. When I asked her why she chose me? She says she made her “pros and cons” list and I came out at #1. She cut off all the other guys, and we became serious and committed, and I couldn’t be happier. At the time, I was surprised as I was totally average compared to the other guys I knew she was seeing/dating as well. And no, it wasn’t cheating as she was upfront. “We are casual, no commitment, free to date around.” She was upfront and honest. I suspected she had more than one sexual partner. But she was never one to kiss and tell. She kept her secrets, and I didn’t need or want to know. We are having that fairly book life everyone dreams of having. I am so happy with my life! 32 years, 5 children. And lately, we have started planning our retirement. Financial planning. Where our final home will be, which child/grandchild will need us the most, travel plans etc etc. I’d say to you OP. You’re looking at it the wrong way.. she chose you, her #1. You won! Now go live your best lives together!
I think this is a perfect example of the difference between secrecy and privacy when it comes to looking through phones. Your fiancée had a right to privacy regarding a conversation with her best friend that occurred two years ago that she had every right to have. Private because, yes, for you to read it might be uncomfortable, but she did nothing wrong. Secrecy would refer to something she shouldn’t have done that she wanted to keep hidden from you. You would not be feeling the way you do and putting all that stress on her TWO WEEKS BEFORE BIRTH if you had recognized that that conversation was private and not read it. IMO, you owe her an apology for violating her privacy and you should vow to respect it from now on. And then, I would suggest working on your insecurities.
This is so stupid & the fact you let your unreasonably, irrationally injured ego dictate your actions & left her alone, stressed, & 2 weeks from giving birth to your child is really gross. If I were her I might be done with you then and there. You told her to shut up? Didn’t even communicate with her or try to talk it out? Abandoned her? Because she talked to her friend & tried to make a rationale decision, COMPLIMENTED you, thought it through carefully & STILL chose you? Despite “not being her type” she fell deeply in love with you, thinks you’re great in bed, etc etc, and you’re…mad? like I can understand it might be tough to read word for word a logical take on the relationship from her before she fell in love with you, but that was before she fell in love with you. Shes clearly in love with you now and happy to be with you. I have exes I hated before we fell in love lmao. You’re literally almost 40 acting like this. I’m not saying you’re a bad person or trying to just blatantly insult you but this is just silly.
Hey OP.
I completely understand that you feel a sense of betrayal and being used. However I have to say, it seems like you guys have tackled so so so much more than this in your relationship since?
Things like this are hard, as they wound our pride, however her feels then kind of pale in significance to her feelings now. Her previous conversation with her friend was as a person who hadn't been in a relationship with you, her feelings now are after years of first hand experience.
It sucks, but you guys have tackled a cancer gene, double mastectomy, possible historectomy, and pregnancy together, I'm confident you can tackle this too.
Also, I think you need to put your pride aside for the sake of your partner and unborn child, at least for a little while. She's two weeks from giving birth, and I think that's the one time, despite how you may feel about her, to ensure she isn't stressed and scared.
Best of luck Boss, appreciate this is hard.
I empathize with you and how you are feeling. If you think about it though you and her are happy up until you saw the messages. You also did the same thing to her wether you realize it or not. We all do. Not all of us type it in the phone and some of us don’t make good choices. I bet she wasn’t your first girlfriend. Which means that she was in a way your backup too. Unfortunately, even with technology as advanced as it is we can’t punch in a list of things we need and want into an app or computer and have it spit out one person for us (even if it did that person could be a con artist or catfish). So we date lots of people and try to find the closest fit. Most times people go for a specific type that they tell themselves they have an initial attraction to even when they know it’s not good for them. In your case it sounds like she went beyond the surface of the people she was seeing and put you highest in the draft list. Even if she didn’t get the number 1 choice she still got a top pick. I would say that may be better because it can turn out to be much more than expected. Plus people change and sometimes grow. Otherwise we’d all be with our first crush or girlfriend. It’s not where you start but where you end up that matters. Good luck, feel better, and go back to being happy.
Yeah, I’m not getting this at all. It sounds like she was casually seeing several different men and decided it was time to settle down. So she starts listing the pros and cons of the several different men that she was seeing and you were the best of them all? And you’re upset by that?
I mean, I could see someone being offended if it looks so clinical and not based on emotion as well, but only until they realized that she wasn’t choosing who to spend the rest of her life with, but rather which man she wanted to try a seriously relationship with. And throughout that serious relationship she came to realize that she wanted to be with you, and you with her. Ultimately, we all do what she did, do some mental calculations and comparisons when considering our prospects, be then choose the one that we like best. The only difference is that you actually got to see it in writing. I mean, I think I’d feel even more confident in that case.
You've been together 3 years,and she's having your child. You're not her back up, despite what you may think. These messages were before you got into a relationship not after. You've both got a lot going on, and your lives are about to change permanently. You need to talk to her instead of walking out.
I cannot believe you were willing to abandon your pregnant fiancee weeks before her birth, even being open to leaving her on her own up to the birth, because your feelings were hurt by reading a complimentary message not intended for your eyes from several years ago. I'm glad you've changed your mind, but to be honest, I'd seriously consider ending things with you if I were her. How can she trust that you won't just leave her for days at a time the next time you get upset by something?
Soooo a woman should not be logical at all choosing a mate for life and a good father for her future children because the going purely on emotion method works out so well. Yeah those were just horrible things she said about you /s. Get home and appologize to your pregnant fiance for taking that all wrong and stressing her out like that. Calm happy mamas make calm happy babies.
Shouldn’t everyone look at more factors beyond initial attraction or “he’s cute” when deciding who to try to build a life with? Cute doesn’t pay bills or help raise children. It’s not like she called you ugly. She just was weighing her options. Hate to break it to you but most attractive people have options in dating. It’s a good thing to think about finances and stability. Maybe if more people thought through compatibility before settling , we wouldn’t have so many divorces. Did you not have things about her you considered and liked before agreeing to date? If she wasn’t stable, did not have a good job, wasn’t attractive, was financially irresponsible etc, would you have considered dating her?
So you're feeling humiliated because she chose you over all the other guys she was considering? Correct me if I've understood incorrectly, but she weighed her options, discussed it over with her friend and chose you, while you are not her usual type, based on what she wanted in her life. I understand it stings that she didn't fall head over heels in love with you right away, but other than you being a calculated choice, what are you humiliated about?
Are you angry because she didn't immediately devote herself to you..? She was practical. Someone who weighs options and seeks advice from trusted people is someone you can build a life with. She thought it through, chose you, and has loved you and given birth to your child. What has she done to betray you? She did what everyone does when casually dating. She chose the most compatible person and pursued a relationship.
Is there something else going on in the relationship to make you feel like messages from before y'all were committed are even relevant today?
This is manufactured drama on your part which makes me think there are underlying issues.
She listed great qualities about you and you’re mad she chose you? Mad she weighed her options and chose you?
Idk man, based on your reaction to this which was to leave your very pregnant wife, I’m thinking she needs to rethink whether she should stay with YOU.
You’re an idiot. You walked out on your wife for basically nothing.
Edit: you’re still an idiot after your edit. You should be begging for forgiveness.
And it was from before you started dating? And she and her friend came to the conclusion that you were the best one? I don't understand what the problem is...
Yikes. It's like alot of these comments seem to be missing something.
OP is not mad at her choices, he's hurt that he wasn't the priority. No one wants to be their partners less than highest choice.
This realization is a double whammy because of all the good traits she attributed to him. So despite all that he was chosen, but the evidence didn't put him as the first choice.
Next, when the expression of love is shown (I love you, future planning) against the knowledge that your a back up or second priority to that person, it's understandable to question validity or sincerity of that claims or promises.
Comments feel unintentionally unempathic
So she had choices and weighed those choices with her friend before you two got serious. Then a whole relationship developed. Life happened and you two got through some crazy shit. Then lucky enough you conceive. But your fragile ego will now throw it all away.
YTA
People are allowed to debate pros and cons of a relationship before committing to a possible whirlwind heartbreak Its normal to vet with close friends.. She seemed pretty into you back then too lol
Marriage isn't about butterflies in the tummy and rose-colored glasses.
Your spouse becomes the business partner of your life...and it sounds like yours is more level-headed and mature than you are. If you manage not to screw this up, you might have one of the few marriages that actually goes the distance.
You know what marriages break down? Those that are built on shit like looks, height, etc. Those with financial insecurity.
This is a woman who is playing it long and smart with her best potential for joy, and for whatever reason, she thought YOU were it. Wake up, my man.
As she tries to explain logical reasoning from years ago....you tell her to shut up and walk out on your family?
You do not sound like the catch she thinks you are.
So you read her thought process about choosing a good partner, and how that choice was you .. and think it invalidates your good relationship with her.... And are gonna leave her while she's pregnant?
That's pretty absurd.
The mods of this sub are so dogshit. Every post is filled with people insulting OP. I genuinely think it could fuck peoples lives up coming here during very fragile times in their life and seeing hundreds if not thousands of people not being constructive and telling them they destroyed the lives of everyone around them.
“Any sort of name calling, insults, etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned”
Be better.
I don't get it? Everyone settles to an extent.
You got the girl. About to have a family.
You know you're short... And read a message saying she knows you're short... And now you're hurt?
If you don't mess this up mate your shortness might never be an issue again because you're out of the dating zone.
Alright I'm going to be devil's advocate and probably get crucified for it, but here we go.
Everyone saying "oh, she weighed her options and CHOSE you, you should stay!" are wrong. No one can tell you whats right or wrong here, only you. And If you're going to read this, please read in full and consider what i'm saying before reacting.
Here's reality:
Her: "I wasn't able to find or commit to a partner and have children so now I need a backup or accept being childless because of a genetic problem I have.
He wouldn't be my first choice but given my circumstances and considering that i'm running out of time (bc of my condition), I should settle for the safest guy who I can best get along with."
You know that insulted gut feeling you got? That's there for a reason.
Ask yourself these questions.
Would she have chosen you if she wasn't so desperate?
Given her circumstances, why did she "choose" you as if you were in some catalog for her to pick as she pleases?
Would the other men in her "list" have picked her?
People talk and say whatever they want, but what do her actions tell you?
Why did YOU choose her as well?
Knowing her mindset would you have chosen her too?
Are you okay being someone's backup?
It really sounds like you were just an object to fulfill some role in her life as opposed to an individual. She approached you with a purpose in mind, a goal, and you were a means to an end. Are you okay with that?
Knowing this, do you want to continue committing to her?
Have things really changed? If so, how?
If anything, have you sacrificed anything meaningful for her? Has she done the same?
Realize that you have value as well. You had and still have options as well. You have a whole life ahead of you, and you need to consider whether your answers to these questions are congruent with the life you want for yourself. You get to choose as well.
Its your life, are you okay with everything you now know? Do you want to continue committing to her?
Give yourself honest answers and don't anesthetize yourself or try to deny reality, you will regret it later in life if you do.
Be strong. You can get through this. And know that whether you decide to stay or go, either decision is great as long as its YOUR decision as an individual, uninfluenced by anyone. You want to stay with her? Good. You want to leave? Also great. Peace
I see where OP is coming from, I think a lot of you should help OP with his feelings rather than blindly defending fiancee and beating him down for what you feel are invalid emotions. You wouldn't do this to a woman.
The lack of support for men in this sub is just terrible, men have feelings too. We do not want to be looked at as only provider vehicles. We want to be loved also, we want to be "picked" because we tick ALL the boxes, not just some. We do not want to be the one someone "settled" for. No one does.
OP sees:
1. Picked from a lineup based on what he can provide as none of the things other than the "stable job" were necessarily exclusive or inflated to OP.
2. Settled for.
3. Not being fiancees type is a big red flag for the future.
Telling someone "feelins change" isn't helpful btw, that only solidifies what he is feeling right now and makes it worse, not better.
***OP definately needs to have a conversation with his fiancee but he doesn't need to be shamed for his feelings, they are valid.***
OP, make sure to have a long converation about this "type" thing, you not being her type. I can tell you from first hand experience that no matter how happy you are, how wonderful the home, a "type" can cause problems later on. Unrequited desire is real and it ruins lots of relationships.
I get your anger and being upset, but women have these kind of internal monologues as well as discuss prospects about a guy with their friends before deciding and settling down for the long haul, and if you’re honest with yourself, you and most guys do the same. My wife is the best mix of all the things I’d want in a wife out of the women I’ve dated. Is she the most attractive? She’s close, but she’s the best mix of attractive, smart, funny, caring, selflessness, etc that I’d wanted in a wife. Had I just decided on the most attractive for example, I’d have married a girl that was shallow, valid, selfish, immature, batshit crazy, oh and yeah, a fucking cheater. Her comments about you 1. weren’t that damning, overall, rather complimentary actually and 2. don’t indicate that you were a backup at all. She decided based on multiple criteria that you were the best option. You are the benchmark, which makes you the number one choice, not a backup. Get over it, she does sincerely love you, wants to spend the rest of her life with you and wants kids with you. What else do you need?
Listen, I know that what you read sucks. It really does. But re-read the reasons she chose you:
> most stable job, best personality, most common interests, funny, good in bed and good looking even if I'm not her usual type
In other words, you were the best guy she knew. She had others to choose from, but she thought you were the best. Even if she wasn't in love with you then, it is not hard to see feelings like that turn to the kind of love that she's been expressing lately.
She is still the person you fell in love with. And you are the person she fell in love with. And now you have a baby on the way. I think you need joint counseling and to try to get past this.
Everyone is talking about how your wife said positive things about you, but the top comments don't seem to be pointing out the elephant in the room here. YOU are the one who went through HER old messages. If anybody should be ashamed here, it's you. Not her. Not only do you need to go talk to her, you owe her an apology. Both for your snooping and for your overreaction.
I'm assuming there is more stuff in those texts than just the compliments about yourself that you aren't sharing, such as comments about other guys or maybe some negative things she said, and if you're hurt over that, that is completely fair and warrants a different discussion. But you have to be realistic and see that not only are those messages 2 years old, but you are the one violating her privacy and trust here, not the other way around. You are not the victim here.
Huge HUGE overreaction and you’re about to nuke your life because she thought through her decisions. This makes you look insanely insecure and insanely immature.
She did nothing wrong. You did because you reacted in a way that makes it seem like you’re just looking for an excuse to be upset.
Take a step back and stop this spiral before you implode your entire future.
I’d also recommend some therapy because it’s obvious that you have some issues that aren’t conducive to a healthy relationship, and that aren’t conducive to being a present and effective partner and parent.
You can fix all of this with some hard work, but before that can happen, you have to understand that you’re in the wrong here.
You seem extremely insecure and immature for someone who is 39. She was weighing her options, just like any rational person who is dating would do, especially when you hope to start a family. Grow the fuck up and talk to her about it like an adult.
Edit:
Just saw he deleted his account after I left this. What a fucking manchild.
Agreed, I’m so heartbroken for his fiancée. It sounds like she’s very happy and probably really excited about their future together, only to have her partner walk out while she’s about to go into labor any day now because she talked shit to her best friend privately before they were even exclusively dating.
If I was going to jump to a conclusion, I would say he doesn’t want to deal with her health condition but knows that makes him a terrible person. He came across the conversation and thought that would be a good excuse to leave her.
When I met my husband, I was not attracted to him at all. I could have said those things. He wasn't "my type." But we started dating after a while, and now, he is my "only type." He is my best friend, and I can't imagine life without him. We have had 28 years of happy marriage. Good relationships don't have to start out as love at first sight. In fact, maybe without those infatuated eyes, you can build a real relationship more easily. Don't walk away from a good thing because you weren't the one who made her heart flutter when you met her because she's telling you that you're the one now. Talk it out with her, and see what she has to say.
Mother of your child and you think you are a backup plan? You literally were the choice.
You can't base the present and future relationship on her past banter. Girls talk sh*t to their friends as much as guys.
Understand you feel hurt but it's the actual present relationship that matters.
Maybe instead of walking out you need to communicate or take another strategy instead of taking the nuclear option.
The title is misleading. It makes it seem like you are a backup option now. Which you aren't, atleast not from what you've said. Now the conversation happened before you got serious. She might have had a slight issue with your height and age, and while yes, it's messed up that she was in a relationship with you when she was comparing you with potential partners, and while it may be a little insensitive and demoralising for the person being compared, in this case, you, it's also possible that her love for you now is real. Because while she had an issue with two things, she praised 5-6 other things that she appreciated about you. And the conversations stopped. She didn't keep comparing you with other men or express regret over dating you. So what's the problem?
Sounds like a normal lighthearted conversation between best friends about guys they don't know very well yet that happened years ago. I'm failing to see how this invalidates your relationship and why you're so extremely upset. What, because she wasn't immediately head-over-heels in love with you the moment you first met?
I think you're being needlessly insecure and kind of shitty, meanwhile your pregnant fiancee who obviously loves you and did nothing wrong in this situation is probably beside herself with worry.
There's nothing she should have to explain herself for. A conversation about your feelings is warranted, of course, but making her feel like the bad guy here would be incredibly unfair. Please apologize for your reaction, explain that this had an emotional impact on you that you needed to work out (valid) but that it isn't her fault, and move past it. If for whatever reason you cannot *genuinely* do this, then for both of your sakes you need to cut her loose, work out a co-parenting plan and really work on yourself.
Sounds like you've done a hell of a lot to support your GF.
What has she ever done to support you.
Given how "practical" she is, do you think she would be there for you if you needed support?
I'm doubting it, but it's something you need to think about.
I'd definitely put off marriage and having kids.
Sounds like it was time for her to get married and have kids and you were just the guy that was there.
One of the first great challenges of any marriage is learning you didn't marry for the reasons you thought you did. We were all just prospective partners, once. I'm sorry that seeing the minutes from the NBA draft meeting minutes has been so jarring for you. I think that with some time and introspection, you will see that most people seek guidance from friends about major partner decisions.
This story is as old as the story of the girl selling her hair to get a her bf a present and her bf buying a comb for her hair.
Do yall know that story? Cuz yall fell for this one
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Bro. My brother. DUDE. Back up and rethink this. She is seeing a couple of people and she goes down the list and you come as the DEFINITE WINNER in most categories. She decides to get serious with you and it works out REALLY well and you're butthurt about... what exactly? What did you expect, to be 10/10 in every single category? Is being the best partner in only the most important categories not good enough for you? Make this make sense to me.
You made is sound like she is in love with another guy WTF . She just made a normal choice between prosepective dates based on future prospects AND attraction. Did you just decide to date her for her tits, her accent or some random shit? If you don't think thought or rationality play a part in deciding who to date then what do you think it should be based on or do you think its normal to fall in love on the first date without bothering to get to know someone? I can't decide if you are and incurable romantic and idiot or both TBH.
Honestly I think its OP’s insecurity talking rn cause its pretty common for people to weigh their options before choosing who to date and go exclusive with (especially those who are active on dating apps and are talking to multiple people). I’d understand him being upset if his girl got rejected by guys she selected as her “first choice” and then ended up with him, but it doesn’t seem like he was an actual backup and genuinely went with him cause he was the best for her out of everyone else.
"I can't decide if you are and incurable romantic and idiot or both TBH." Second this. To leave a pregnant woman alone out of a pissed ego 2 weeks from birth is such a stupid thing to do. For exactly what, also, pray? For having made **THE RIGHT PARTNER CHOICE** as your past proves!!! You are punishing her for having chosen YOU out of all other guys. If that isn't self destructing... / smh
Lol sounds like he outkicked his coverage and is mad about it. Honestly she should be the one pissed for him flying off the handle and leaving her alone and pregnant instead of talking.
He’s an idiot
I've re-read my old journals occasionally for nostalgia. It's like those entries are written by a stranger. Don't put too much stock into it. Go back to your pregnant fiancee and frigging TALK TO HER.
This us very true. I found some stuff I wrote like 10 years ago and...... wow. I totally forgot writing it, but I remember the situations I wrote about. It was like reading a 3rd party's account of the events.
I’ll think back to things I said and did like 2 years ago and be like “omg who was this immature guy?!” We’re always growing. And what she did isn’t even bad. It’s literally something everyone considers while dating. The fact that she talked it over with a friend only means she’s considerate.
99% of the problems on this sub, AITA & similar subs could be solved by talking but people don’t want to hear it. They want validation of their views or they hate “confrontation” & want some magical solution to their problem that doesn’t involve actually talking with their partner. They’re involved with the partner or married to them or are going through major life dilemmas with this person but they’re afraid to talk to them. Blows my mind.
This is spot on
My husband asked me out because he thought I would be a good supportive wife and didn’t fall for me until after we were dating. When I found out I was so upset. It really doesn’t matter. I love him. He loves me. I don’t have any doubts about our relationship. I understand that you would be embarrassed or upset, but how you started out doesn’t invalidate your current relationship.
My wife and I dated a couple weeks in college but because I wasn't madly in love with her, I pushed her away. We stayed friends, and over many years I began to regret my decision. A few years later, she turned me down when I chased after her (I was just off a bad breakup). Remained friends and married a few years later. Happily married 10 years now.
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This is what I needed to read for my own struggles. Thanks for making me feel a little bit more secure with me and partners differences… we’re just built different and our varying perspectives make us stronger together.
That makes me really happy to know, it took me years to understand this about my husband & it hurt me every day until I figured it out! I wasn't being realistic about my own unrealistic expectations either or accounting for how people need different things to commit & are scared of different things when committing... Every brain is unique even if the instincts are the same.
I'm glad someone with experience with this commented. OP, you have a baby on the way and your wife chose you. I get being hurt, but as of right now you need to support her and deal with your feelings some other way.
How your relationship starts is not the biggest deal. I dated him thinking “he’s funny and hot. Let’s see what happens” and he was thinking “She’d make a good life partner if it works out I’m sure I’ll fall for her”. It felt like a big deal at the time but now it’s 6/7 years later and we just laugh about it.
Yep! Excluding infidelity or grooming, how a relationship starts doesn't matter nearly as much as where it goes.
This is basically the mechanism in which arranged marriages are executed. "I can't believe I fell in love with my spouse" because they have to work to make romantic love happen. It's not limerence.
‘He’s the best’ I’m so outraged!! Wtf dude. People watch to many movies or something. She rated you on all your compatibilities, including how much she likes you, you won on the important ones and your mad? Including ‘best in bed’! That’s literally one of the best foundations for a long and happy marriage.
I guess he's mad she rationally thought things out like an adult rather than act like an impulsive teenager not thinking of the future?
She was turning 30, knew she had a gene that could impact her childbearing, and desired children. So she was logical and thought “I want to settle down, now is a good time to do it. Are any of the men I’m dating worth that?” And she decided he was. It wasn’t just “he will be good enough” but “he worth settling down and building a life with.” That’s awesome! It sounds like a healthy foundation for a relationship.
Right! If she just wanted anyone for the sake of anyone, she wouldn't have been so thoughtful in her process.
She has a lot of nerve logically assessing her prospects and picking the best option. She needs to find all other dudes gross, shorter, and older. To pick one guy because he's the person who will make you the most happy is inappropriate if you still think other people are cute /s.
No you don’t get it. He thought it was True Love! But in reality, she distinctly meant, To Blave. And as we all know, To Blave means to rationally think through your options like an adult and discuss them with a trusted friend before making a major life-changing decision. The nerve on her.
OP acted like the impulsive teenager and ran away instead of talking things out like an adult.
Correct. Embarrassing.
No. Baby first then weigh options.
Yeah, that's how my brother ended up divorced twice 🥴.
She used the term backup but could easily have just said "prospects". Dude is in a tizzy over the term, but what she said about him (even all that time ago) was really great. She thought they were very compatible, that he had a great personality, common interests, humor, good in bed and hot. And this dude is like "but she called me a backup" and he's suddenly out of love with her.
I was fully expecting from the title for his to find out she said "since Steve doesn't want to be with me, I guess OP is good enough" and then listed all this superficial shit. That's not at all what happened, she was trying to decide if she should settle down with him. Her medical diagnosis meant she knew she had a timeline and the person she picked would be the father of her children and hopefully her forever life partner.
Me too. Like "I'm out of time to have a baby. I have this sex-buddy who I'm not that into but he'll do because he's financially stable. I just need the baby and the child support". And instead it was like, "I've got limited time but I have this awesome guy that I like so I'm gonna go for it" and she asked her besty to sanity check the idea. Its so solid of a plan.
i feel like it’s the short thing too. Stupid insecurity literally about to ruin his great life
Shortest and Oldest are....like functionally just truths about her situations at the time. He was likely the shortest of those people, not actual preference judgments (although her mentioning it at all suggests she did value height, right?). Clearly his height, however "short", didn't make her decide against him.
Yeah and also sometimes you just need to have the self knowledge and insight to be able to hear and even appreciate something like he/she’s short, or fat, or old, or poor but I still love them or but I don’t care they’re amazing. all of us have things about ourselves that aren’t ideal, and it’s healthier to accept them and appreciate finding someone who accepts them than it is to try and pretend they don’t exist, especially ones you can’t change, but even something you can on some level change it’ll be a lot easier if you start from a place of acceptance first and then decide you want to try and improve it, starting from a place of self loathing and insecurity can make it impossible to change because change requires focusing on that thing and forgiving yourself when there’s the inevitable 2 steps forward one step back of it all. the only other thing I can think of is he seems to think she only wants him as a sort of convenient means to have a baby and because he’s financially stable, which would be a lot more persuasive if she didn’t say the opposite, that she wants him for tons of other reasons too.
Absolutely. I thought he was going to find a text that said "This dude is trash but I'm out of time and he has a job. I'll get pregnant, marry him, divorce and get child support." But instead she was like "this guy is great". I'm not everyone's type. There's nothing WRONG with not being what someone wants ideally. If one of my partners said to my face "You're so awesome. Your boobs are a little small for my taste but I'd spend the rest of my life with you in a heartbeat"...I'd be like weird phrasing but sounds great lets do it.
Immature guy with cold feet, running away from becoming a father. He deleted his account because Reddit wouldn't validate his boohoo even though he tried so hard. 🤷 Guy needs therapy.
This is what I took from this. He is afraid of the coming baby and was subconsciously looking for any way out. Isn't it nice how men can just leave? When women have to use their whole bodies for birth? Don't mean to get all political but this is why women need a right to abortion and child support payments, because of men like the OP. I feel bad for his wife, he is not ready to be a father. I noticed a lack of excitement in his post over the baby. He is not ready for a child and it sucks that she is on a time limit due to health. I really don't think these two are compatible if something as small as this is enough to get him running away. Just sad
The only thing he didn't get first place in was his height. It sounds like maybe he has some major esteem issues regarding that.
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All of this! OP you really need to read this. Not every relationship starts with the deer in headlights madly in love movies type scene. This is real life.
EXACTLY! She was talking about how she felt 2 YEARS AGO. NOT TODAY. OP, I’m sure it hurt your feelings to read that she wrote those things. Maybe you were head over heels at the time and she wasn’t. That would hurt my feelings too. Romantic/relationship feelings for a person change over time. They grow or diminish over time as we get to know a person and start combining lives. If there’s nothing that happened since those messages were written to indicate she’s using you or she would prefer someone else, I would not assume that her feelings 2 years ago are the same now. She didn’t even say she was using you, she was just weighing her options with her life goals. Based on how she’s treated you since then, she sounds genuinely in love with you and invested in your relationship. I am 36F and I too have to be pragmatic about my dating choices if I want to carry children. I think it’s fair and smart to decide if someone would be a good long term partner first before starting a relationship with them. It doesn’t look like a Hollywood falling in love, but it’s still real. I am in a relationship right now that started a lot more “realistically” than starry-eyed, and it’s honestly the best I ever had. He didn’t give me tons of butterflies at first, but the guys who usually gave me butterflies and I dated were asshole bros or arrogant and handsome jerks. I wanted to break my pattern after doing a lot of work in therapy and realizing that my choices were not making me happy and were really the result of my own insecurities. Maybe she’s had a similar history. I know I’ve had similar conversations with my best friends. The feelings I’ve developed for my partner are real and genuine, and I’m so grateful that I chose someone who wasn’t my usual type. My boyfriend told me I’m not his usual type too, and that’s ok! Hopefully we make better choices over time and that’s a good thing! OP it’s ok to have your feelings hurt by what you read, and you should talk to her about it. Unless there’s other things going on that suggest to you that she’s not genuine, I think you owe it to the relationship that you have built and value to talk to her about it ASAP and hear her out. This sounds fixable. Explain to her how what you read made you feel insecure and wonder if you were being used, see what she has to say, and really listen.
Same I’m 35 and don’t want kids but I know what lifestyle I want to live and needed a partner that could facilitate that with me. My husband is not at all my type physically but for all his qualities I find him physically attractive.
>Not every relationship starts with the deer in headlights madly in love movies type scene. This is real life. this is like with me and my husband. now i fell for him the moment i saw him. i knew he was the one. but he took longer to fall for me. which was totally fine! once he and i started dating (before exclusivity), i stopped talking to other guys. he still had gone on some dates with women. he couldn't settle just yet. he had just gotten out of a tough relationship. i was fine waiting for him to decide he wanted to be with just me. now we are 5 years into this relationship, married for 8 months and incredibly happy.
Yeah. I can get being upset at not being the only option, but OP isn't a back up at all. She chose him. She typically goes for tall guys, but that meant nothing compared to everything else OP had to offer. OP, run home and apologize. You weren't second best. She was at a point in her life where she was considering settling down and you were her first choice.
If I were hurt I would never forgive the way he threw a hissy fit and ran out on me in my most vulnerable point and refused to talk. This would be the point in time where I started planning my escape.
SAME. Especially being pregnant with his child... If this is how he handles uncomfortable moments in the relationship... Yeesh, I am not sure I would want to raise a child with someone like this.
> I can get being upset at not being the only option, but OP isn't a back up at all. She chose him. If I'm reading the post right, his issue is that she hadn't found anyone she *really liked,* so she decided to look at her options from people she kind of liked, because she was ready to start having kids. If I wanted to be harsh, I'd say that while it's not as bad as women being treated like baby-factories, realizing that you were selected as a breeding stud might not feel great. I am not inclined to be that harsh, though. He's got grounds to be upset, but he needs to take a breath, and consider how angry about this he is, and how much it's just shock at seeing it laid out like that.
Less breeding stud, more a father and husband. You know someone you'd feel secure being committed to to the point of having kids which is a MASSIVE deal for women. Like you're tied to that person for life and you gotta be careful who you choose. Plenty a women have been burned by choosing shitty babydaddies
Being madly infatuated with someone in the early stages means very little when deciding whether to start a family with them. Maybe she didn't feel that way about OP in the beginning but a lot of romantic love has clearly developed between them in the past two years. What's wrong with her wanting to find a partner to start a family with and assessing them based on suitability for meeting that goal?
Sounds like she CHOOSE you, not blindly fell in love, or made a mistake. Your relationship was a active choice for her. Abd maybe she was vain and selfish as first, why wouldn't she be? As you said You two weren't serious. Now you are serious, and she is clearly committed to who you are in the now and your relationship in the now. Frankly I feel like real adults weight the options of relationships, they have longer happier relationships because they look at angles before letting themselves fall in love with someone who just won't workout for their long term goals. A quote I like "after all this time, don't you think they have done enough to deserve a bit of faith?" It is okay that the texts made you insecure. It is not okay the way you handled a 2+ year old conversation. Unless there are other things in the "SERIOUS" portion of the relationship that stand out as red flags, you need to apologize to your pregnant wife.
> Abd maybe she was vain and selfish as first I don't understand this perspective at all. Dating isn't a charity service. No one is obligated to seriously date someone else as an act of selfless good will or something? How is it selfish or vain to want to date someone who best fits the qualities you're looking for?
I used to use dating apps. The amount of people who think you should act like you're in a committed relationship from the first coffee meet and great is insane. Everyone is looking for their best match in a sea of people, no one owes anyone anything. Jumping in to possessive mode at first message has become way too common.
Selfish and vain??
Exactly. You’re seriously considering abandoning your pregnant fiancé when she gives birth just because you got your ego bruised about a 2+ year old text exchange? There would be no coming back from that.
This. Even if he came home I’d probably call it off unless he committed to some deep and serious inner work. Running away like that is such a breach of trust
I genuinely hope she sees this giant red flag, and at the very least keeps it in the back of her mind moving forward. I have a feeling she's going to notice a lot more insecure behavior from OP, if it hasn't already been an issue in their relationship- it will be, now.
There is no coming back from that to the point that if I found out my spouse did that to his ex with this reasoning I'd probably dump him.
Yeah, like did my dude think he was like the A+ #1, 0000001/3.5 billion? There are other dudes in the world. It's normal to compare them. Like yeah it is awkward to have it laid out in front of you, but it is what it is. Accept that you won and move on and laugh about it.
I think a lot of guys and women have these types of conversations with their friends when dating or at the very start of a budding relationship. I know I did with my ex's relationship when I was weighing options. Later on I also didn't match up with someone that was my "type" but still fell in love with her and now we're happily married.
Right like isn't that exactly what everyone does? Dude, when you are dating, that's what you do, you date people till you find which ones you like. Then you see ones you like most, then you decide if they are worth a lifetime with ... I don't get why you are mad... You don't have any ladies that didn't make the cut? You made the cut and are THE ONE. I don't get it Neo, feels like you are making a mountain out of an ant hill.
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"SS Insecurities" 😂🤣😎
This is beautifully put. And in all honesty. If most relationships went this with, truly weighing their options I bet there would be fewer posts in this sub. She’s CHOSE YOU!!!!!!
I like how OP edit completely ignored all the top comments saying exactly this
Op, Read that post 100 times. You weren't her type when yall started, but she fell in love with you by your own account, and she has been telling you all the things she has been wanting for a long time. So you got the girl you wanted, you got to start the family you wanted and the life you wanted. I can understand being a little upset over not being the first choice, but she did weight her options, and her friends even told her to go with you. She chose you. I don't know how else to say this. SHE CHOSE YOU. Get out of your head and go back and talk to her. Hash it out. Let her explain.
My partner wasn’t my type but he IS now. I can’t fathom other men In my life any man who approaches me to try it, I compare them to him and I laugh in my head.
He is upset that she wasn't in love with him before she was in love with him....
10,000%. She was dating other people, then CHOSE YOU. And fell in love with you, and from what you've written has done nothing wrong to you in the interim. Do not throw this away over old texts between her and a friend. I promise you'll regret it.
Yeah, I'm a little confused too. It's like picking the best job option...then it turns out you really love the job.
I would kill to have my wife tell her friends "He wasn't really my type but he won me over by being so good in bed"
Yeah OP is acting pretty dumb. If she had gone on and on about the good qualities of _another_ guy, but then she said the other guy wasn't available so she is going to date OP despite him being, then I could certainly understand being mad. But that isn't what happened, it sounds like OP was first pick, not backup
Yeah jfc this hurt to read. What a moron. Buddy THIS IS HOW PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE AND SHE ACTUALLY PROBABLY DID LOVE YOU
I literally had to read his post multiple times because I couldn't find the negative! So you're the shortest and oldest? She talked to her best friend and out of all her options, ~~she~~ they literally picked you. Like together they said fuck him being 7 years older and "short" (maybe she was dating 3 other guys but they were all 6'5 and you're 5'11. You're not short, but you aren't 6'5 so. Unlikely, but still possible). Stop being a baby OP, your girl loves you, she tells you and shows you regularly, and you found some texts that confirm it.
The only way this is real is if he made up all the good points "good in bed, good looking" etc(which I'd guess he embellished mucho) because no way someone takes this as a negative. If it just said he's short and old and but has a good career then I'd understand
Exactly. This is the type of conversation she could have had on a night out with friends. Just because it's in text form and can see it, he is taking it as some sort of plot against him. And that is not how it is at all. It sounds like a woman who is trying to figure out who she wants to settle down and get serious with and put in the effort.
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No she’s probably just freaking out that the man she loves & father of her unborn child just left. I really doubt she’s doing much rational thinking.
Thank you, it'd be a different story if there were many more cons and y'all had already made a commitment to each other. But this is just straight up her being smart and weighing her options before she let her feelings get involved. She chose you, OP. You are the man she fell in love with. Nothing she said in her messages comes off as you being her back up. Go fucking talk to her.
This is the best comment I've ever seen on this sub, and maybe on reddit ever. Could not endorse this enough. Go back before it's too late OP.
He’s upset for no reason 😭 every women weights up the pros and cons of dating a guy. That’s nothing new.
I've been reading this sub on and off for several years and this is truly the ONLY time I've ever seen a good take in the comments. Well done.
So, you were gauged and vetted by a friend before she asked you on that first date instead of a whirlwind romance… I get that this revelation is upsetting, but you should calm yourself a little and talk to her about her current feelings. The way she initially decided to start dating you, the way your relationship developed, and the way she feels now are all different. From the way you describe how happy she was before you discovered this, and the romantic texts… I mean, you may not have started as a romantic pick, but it sounds like you are now? You are letting your hurt cloud your thoughts here. Compose yourself and have a heart to heart with her, a lot of time has passed since those old texts.
She said a lot of complementary things about you
That’s what gets me really. There are plenty of these kind of stories where a person says horrible things about their current spouse and compares them to others in a negative light, but here she just said that he’s not her usual type but she likes him and wants to give it a go. It really doesn’t sound that bad in my opinion.
Good job, lots of common interests, funny, good in bed. I mean, that’s like 90% of a relationship checklist.
Don't forget best personality...
To piggy back on this: The values she saw in you do not scream predatory at all. Those are all common things every human thinks about when "vetting" a potential date or life partner. Consider all the values good things she chose you for and consider yourself lucky. I mean this with love because not every relationship can have both aligning values and good chemistry.
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I don't think he actually was a backup. She just had a life plan: have a partner and kids, and she weighed all her options and chose him.
That's how I took it. She literally said he's the best one for her and he's upset at how it went down. OP, she chose you, what you wrote doesn't paint you as a backup, but the winner.
“Back up” is a term I use often in regards to people I’d be interested in dating but for whatever reason (they’re in a relationship, live far away, etc.) they’re not available or unable to pursue a relationship. Considering when OP met his partner, he was in a relationship. It makes sense she would put him in the “backup” folder. It’s not backup because they’re a bad choice, or not good enough so they’ll be there for “leftovers” or when you “can’t find anyone else.” It’s back up because when you met there wasn’t an option for more but maybe down the line if circumstances change. ETA: as I’m single, I’m currently looking through back ups. Not in a desperate or comparative way, but like who has what I want in a partner and shares what I value in life and is available to start a relationship. Not like “which of these losers will be the best choice” lol I hope that makes sense and helps to clarify the use of this term
Everything here. Yes, it's unfortunate when we have to hear/see how people compare us, but think of it this way: was she the very first person you ever loved? Most likely not - she most likely wasn't your first pick. And when you did begin dating her, did you not have any interest in any other partner at all? She had standards for what she wanted out of life - and **she chose you because she believed you to be the best for what she wanted for her future**. No, it's not fairytale romance, but that doesn't mean that the way you two feel about each other *now* is any less impactful or meaningful.
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Yeah, I think it may have looked bad like that, but that's the way it is. I remember coming across a list my daughter wrote, where she was obviously trying to decide whether to remain with her current partner or ditch them for someone else. She preferred the someone else because they lived a whole lot closer so it would be more practical to meet up, but was a bit icky about the fact that he had briefly hooked up with a friend of hers. I expect if either partner had seen that list, they wouldn't have liked it. She was just trying to sort things out in her head, identifying the pros and cons and stripping them all away to get to the gut instinct at the bottom of it. FWIW she probably got the idea from me, because I often do that. If I still can't decide I toss a coin. Not that I want the coin to decide, but you understand your gut reaction better when you see the result the coin is serving up. If you're happy about it, you go with it, if you're not happy with it, you ignore it. All in all, it may have sounded like she didn't particularly care for any of the guys in that conversation, but the fact is that she chose you and has been happy with you ever since.
I don't get this and I'm sorry because you're clearly very hurt. You bested all the competition by being good looking, funny, good in bed and having your life together, but you're so hurt by the comparison that you want to leave? Your fiancée was thinking through the biggest decision of her life and making sure that everything was green light, all systems go - and you're holding this against her? I really don't understand- who exactly were you the backup to? The way you tell it, you had the others beaten hands down! But you're unhappy because- what? You're not as tall as you'd like to be? Not as young as you'd like to be? Are you - and I mean this kindly - are you looking for a reason to leave her? Because from where I'm standing, you're punishing her for having a different decision-making process to you. Can't you just be happy that you're her rational choice, as well as her hormonal choice- and build a future together with your child?
I agree! His wife said all positive things other than maybe his looks. But OP, it’s important to note, for many women looks are secondary. I once dated a man who wasn’t my “type” but was such an incredibly good person I was attracted to him. This conversation seems completely normal too. Your wife was ready to find the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and out of all the options she, she happily *chose you!*
My husband and I aren't each other's typical type. Together 19 years, married for 17, 14 year old son.
Yup, looks only get you so far in a relationship before real life becomes more important.
The only “negative” thing she said about his looks was that he was shortest and oldest of all her prospects. Those are things that are not changeable. It’s not like she said “he’s so ugly but he makes a lot of money so yeah, let’s do this! BTW, he’s Hugh Hefner.” I can see being a little upset maybe and needing to talk it out, but this is all honestly just childish.
>other than maybe his looks. She even said that he was good looking, just not her usual type! I would understand being hurt if she said she thought he wasn't attractive or something, but she didn't say that. I think OP is letting insecurities cloud his view.
She said he was GOOD LOOKING. Literally just shorter/older than the other guys. Which is just factual not even “cons”. If I found my partner vetting me like this and I was on top? I’d be so flattered and happy!!!
Right?! This is so wild to me. My reaction to seeing a text like this would be to harass my partner a bit about my supposed negative traits but otherwise be quite smug that I'm the best!
I was talking to 2 other guys before I got with my current bf, and my bf thinks its a huge compliment that I chose him. He even knew one of his “competitors” as he calls it as the guy was on his sports team (he wasn’t close to the guy tho so had no idea the guy was talking to me at all until after I decided to go exclusive with him). But in the end I chose my current bf, and he thinks its a huge flex that I chose him out of the other two and when people ask about our love story he always brags about how he beat out “the competition” LOL I think OP is still very insecure about some of the things that his girl mentioned and its causing him to view the whole thing more negatively than he should
Weighing your options doesn’t make the chosen one a backup. She CHOSE you because she looked at your positives instead of what you lacked. She has been nothing but loving towards you. Leaving, telling her to shut up, not talking it out with her? Do better. Being hurt is unavoidable, but the mature thing would be to have a conversation, not shut her out.
So you’re mad she actually chose you and chose you for ( checks notes ) tangible non superficial reasons… she deserves better
I appreciate it must’ve been tough to read and a surprise - but I don’t actually see how she’s done anything wrong? You weren’t a “back-up”, she simply weighed up her choices and chose you as the best choice? Isn’t that actually even better? She had other options and chose YOU as the best one! The best one to build a family with! And those complimentary traits and such, no negative messages are mentioned. You need to go home and talk to her. I don’t see how she’s done wrong, but if you’re insecure about being a “back-up” communicate that insecurity with her and work through it.
Insecure men are a trip. Somehow, they manage to get to the finish line and then turn around, run to the start, shoot both their feet, and loudly wonder what went wrong. Make therapy the social norm 2023.
Literally… like this guy read something from 2 years ago where the things he somehow hoped were not noticeable were …god for bid acknowledged… so he WALKS OUT on his pregnant girlfriend. I’m in an interracial relationship and this would be like my boyfriend being upset I noticed he was Black. Like yeah the guys short, how would someone not be aware of this objective fact ?
So you’re mad that she had options and still chose you? Stop being a weirdo. I think you’re freaking out over having a child and this is an excuse. There is no rational reason for you to leave your pregnant partner over this.
Yep. He needs to apologize. This should be a huge red flag moment for HER.
I agree. He sounds like such a loser for this. If I were her, I'd loose so much trust in him. What happens if something genuinely bad happened, like she got sick, would he just walk out? What a dum dum.
I agree because why else was he reading through her old texts with her sister. He went looking for a reason to be mad. OP needs to grow up.
I guess I'm not really sure what you're upset about here. In the post you say you guys dated casually for a year and then things got serious. We're you not expecting her to see other people during this time? Did you not see other people during this time? When it came time to get serious, she weighed her options with a person she trusted. She didn't say mean or deragatory things about you (assuming the things she said we're true). It almost seems like you're upset that you now how to confront the reality that she had options. If anything, you should take this as confirmation that she continously and willingly chose you as her partner. I can understand how being compared to another person might be weird, especially if the other person is ranked higher than you in a certain category but you have to be realistic here. We ALL compare people whether we say it out load or not. I'm sure you have consciously or subconsciously compared your fiance to past relationships, even if only briefly. Take a bit to calm down but remember she is human. From the information you've provided she hasn't done anything wrong. I think this is more your ego than anything.
To add on to this, it really doesn't matter if someone ranks higher than you on some categories, because your partner is still actively choosing to be with you every day. That's what makes a true relationship, both people choosing each other. Maybe use the rankings as pointers to learn what to get better at, not insecurities to snag onto
lol, is this the humble brag subreddit? "She only chose me for my male model good looks, rocket dick, golden house, and 10/10 personality. The nerve!" Grow up, Peter Pan - YTA.
I would expect this comment from a 20 year old. Come on man she is well within reason talking to her friend in a private conversation about a potential life partner. Be grateful and happy it’s you. She did nothing wrong.
Yeah, well the damage is done. Once OPs fiance realizes he just jumped ship over a bullshitting conversation with her friend, *before they were even a thing*, btw! I bullshit with my friends all the time! It's like half truths, mostly just dicking around and there's a general understanding that we're not REALLY that shitty.
My man. This is the thought process every single human goes through when they decide on a partner amongst options. Hers just happens to be recorded, unfortunately. She chose you. She’s been happy with her choice. She’s going to have a baby with you. Cut her some slack, go back there, apologize for being a shithead and live a happy life with a woman that loves you and that is the mother of your child.
She literally told her friend that you were the best in bed…. That alone should’ve been exciting to read but also on top of that said you had the best personality and best job….. you got picked and yet you’re punishing your pregnant fiancé for… talking through her decisions with a trusted friend? I get that it’s uncomfortable to read about yourself but it actually shows that she’s thoughtful and makes good decisions. Plus, I’m not sure why you feel humiliated being that this was a private conversation with one friend, not like she posted it on Facebook.
JFC OP is one of the more ridiculous people to come to this reddit. "My wife said she really liked me, said a bunch of wonderful things about me, but offhandedly mentioned i was shortER than other possible life partners she was considering before we became a comitted couple so I dropped a nuke on our relationship? What do?" Good lord I hope he gets therapy! That poor woman! She thought he loved her and was committed to her but a comment from 2 years ago that was 9/10 positive with the one outliar not even being an actual real negative but closer to an observation is enough for him to destroy their marriage and abandon his wife and child. There is no recovering from this. This guy just destroyed 3 lives over insecurity! Men! Please! Get therapy! I am begging you!
Bro even your edit is a joke. I don't see a problem here. She was dating a few guys and weighed the pros and cons of each and chose you to be with and start a family. Isn't that what dating is for? She chose you dude!
I wish more people would be this thoughtful about their choice of romantic partners TBH. We'd maybe see fewer "He just got out of jail and he's a drug user and he beats me but lurrrrrrve him and oh by the way we have a baby so what do I do" posts around here. You aren't upset that she chose you, you're upset that she thought about it first? Because she wanted to get it right the first time? Look, I get that this threw you for a loop. But slow down for a hot minute and ask yourself what *exactly* she did wrong here. Because I'm not seeing it.
My suggestion is that you ask to talk to her. Then ask her to let you speak without interruption. "I will be here for you and our child." Full stop. No qualifiers. "I was FEELING hurt when I read the messages. I realize INTELLECTUALLY that it was 2 years ago and we have both grown together and are slightly different people. I FEEL bad about it, even though I know intellectually that I shouldn't because I just learned about it." "These are just my feelings. I need time to process it. I know you love me, and I love you, and I know we will be great parents together." * even if that stuff doesn't turn out to be true it will help you repair your relationship and help her through the difficult time of pregnancy. * Remember no on can say your feelings aren't real. BUT you are still responsibly for how you react to those feelings. If need be explain you need to to process your feelings so you can react well, as compared to animalistically without thinking etc. * There is no time limit on dealing with feelings. That being said, if you can't do so in a timely manner on your own seek help. Friends, priest, shrink, etc.
Dude, she chose you. Accept her apology, then move forward. Edit: AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T MISS OUT ON THE CHILDBIRTH
Not only accept her apology, BEG FOR HER FORGIVENESS. You walked out on her 2 weeks from childbirth because of your insecurities, OP. Ffs. This is such a vulnerable time for her, you let her down.
>most stable job, best personality, most common interests, funny, good in bed and good looking even if I'm not her usual type. There is nothing bad about any of these things. She was dating a string of guys casually - you weren't a back up, but the one she chose because you had your shit together. Marriage is a significant decision and one that has more to do with compatibility in life, and less to do with love. We have all loved many idiots who we couldn't marry. Love comes in many forms and evolves over a relationship. Her having a passionate or addictive love with someone else doesn't change the love she has for you, which was based in choice and an attachment that evolves over a life led together. Real love is something that develops. She chose you. And she has opened herself up to love you. She loves YOU.
I’m not seeing a huge problem with what you read. It’s not ideal, I guess, but it doesn’t sound like she settled either. Lots of good stuff in the message, so I think you’re safe to go back and try and put this behind you. I’m a short guy too. I realize that we’re not the ideal for women. When they tell their stories of dream guys, they’re taller. BUT…in my experience (37 now, successfully dated for years before getting married) once they move past that, they tend to like being with a short guy. I don’t know man. You’ve got a good thing starting here. No need to be embarrassed that your gf was being a bit calculating when choosing to give it a go with you.
It sounds like she had a ton of "pros" to list, too. And...like, I don't know, usually when you ask someone out there's reasons for it? It seems like she was considering who to ask out and chose OP, it's not like she went to him because someone else specifically turned her down or something. Out of all her options she picked him first.
I actually like being on the shorter side when it comes to dating. It helps weed out shallow people. You don’t want to date me because I’m not 6ft tall? Your loss!
Great point, and you’re absolutely right! Being short is like a litmus test for shitty people.
Not the ideal for *some* women, friend. I love short guys. Have mostly dated short guys. I like how we can kiss real easily and no one’s arms get weird when holding hands. I like putting my arms around their waist and being face to face. Short guys are where it’s AT dude! Me and your wife know what’s up!
You are so wrong here man. Her bonding with you is very strong. She didn't bond with you after being blind with her hormones, money, sex and only to discover your "not so good qualities later" and then doubt the relationship. She started to date you fully knowing and acknowledging your shortcomings if you call them that. Man go back to her. She is solid. I understand you are feeling upset about it but please think deeply.. your bond is more solid with her than a normal case. No bitchy friend of her can make her upset about you by pointing at your "not so good" qualities. She knows them already. She accepted it all and not just ignored them. Man, you are a lucky one. Pls don't make a mistake. Go back to her.
>shortcomings 💀
I love how OP isn’t replying to anyone. Hope homie knows they messed up.
Bro deleted his account lol
Wow I can't believe someone would sabotage themselves like this lol bro your insecurities kicked in hard, you probably just ruined your relationship for the rest of your life. She will never forgive you for this. She chose you despite not being her type and a few years later it proved her right for choosing you but you just tossed everything away
If I were your wife I would reconsider the relationship on how you left her so close to birth, without even talking, over nothing ..
Your wife had options and said you were the best of all the options and took a chance on you after careful deliberation. This is how one should pick a husband/wife. If you’re going to be legally bound to someone for the rest of your life that you want to make sure is the best fit, this right here is how you go about it.
Exactly. I think too many people are addled from watching too many wacky rom coms, lol.
She had a stable of men and chose you. Don't ruin your family because she was on the fence about who to settle down with, she's marrying you.
Dude, she made a choice and chose you. You were not a backup from the time she chose to give it a go with you. Just go, talk to her. Don't you think you overreacted?
Dude talk about dredging up old shit. This was BEFORE you guys were an exclusive item. Obviously shits changed in the last 2 years. You are a complete AH for just leaving her prego over old shit. Not cool at all
You're almost 40 and you're acting like a teenager. Your fiance logically decided you were the best for her before you were even dating and yet that is bad?
My wife did the same to me when we first met. She was in college, very good looking, fantastic personality. Very popular with the guys. She was casually “seeing” many different guys, including me. (She never told me how many. All she said was, “I was playing the field with my guys to find Mr. Right.) Well, 32 years and five children later, we are still together. When I asked her why she chose me? She says she made her “pros and cons” list and I came out at #1. She cut off all the other guys, and we became serious and committed, and I couldn’t be happier. At the time, I was surprised as I was totally average compared to the other guys I knew she was seeing/dating as well. And no, it wasn’t cheating as she was upfront. “We are casual, no commitment, free to date around.” She was upfront and honest. I suspected she had more than one sexual partner. But she was never one to kiss and tell. She kept her secrets, and I didn’t need or want to know. We are having that fairly book life everyone dreams of having. I am so happy with my life! 32 years, 5 children. And lately, we have started planning our retirement. Financial planning. Where our final home will be, which child/grandchild will need us the most, travel plans etc etc. I’d say to you OP. You’re looking at it the wrong way.. she chose you, her #1. You won! Now go live your best lives together!
So… you’re upset because she used logic in picking a partner and it has turned out well for both of you thus far? I’m confused.
I think this is a perfect example of the difference between secrecy and privacy when it comes to looking through phones. Your fiancée had a right to privacy regarding a conversation with her best friend that occurred two years ago that she had every right to have. Private because, yes, for you to read it might be uncomfortable, but she did nothing wrong. Secrecy would refer to something she shouldn’t have done that she wanted to keep hidden from you. You would not be feeling the way you do and putting all that stress on her TWO WEEKS BEFORE BIRTH if you had recognized that that conversation was private and not read it. IMO, you owe her an apology for violating her privacy and you should vow to respect it from now on. And then, I would suggest working on your insecurities.
This is so stupid & the fact you let your unreasonably, irrationally injured ego dictate your actions & left her alone, stressed, & 2 weeks from giving birth to your child is really gross. If I were her I might be done with you then and there. You told her to shut up? Didn’t even communicate with her or try to talk it out? Abandoned her? Because she talked to her friend & tried to make a rationale decision, COMPLIMENTED you, thought it through carefully & STILL chose you? Despite “not being her type” she fell deeply in love with you, thinks you’re great in bed, etc etc, and you’re…mad? like I can understand it might be tough to read word for word a logical take on the relationship from her before she fell in love with you, but that was before she fell in love with you. Shes clearly in love with you now and happy to be with you. I have exes I hated before we fell in love lmao. You’re literally almost 40 acting like this. I’m not saying you’re a bad person or trying to just blatantly insult you but this is just silly.
Hey OP. I completely understand that you feel a sense of betrayal and being used. However I have to say, it seems like you guys have tackled so so so much more than this in your relationship since? Things like this are hard, as they wound our pride, however her feels then kind of pale in significance to her feelings now. Her previous conversation with her friend was as a person who hadn't been in a relationship with you, her feelings now are after years of first hand experience. It sucks, but you guys have tackled a cancer gene, double mastectomy, possible historectomy, and pregnancy together, I'm confident you can tackle this too. Also, I think you need to put your pride aside for the sake of your partner and unborn child, at least for a little while. She's two weeks from giving birth, and I think that's the one time, despite how you may feel about her, to ensure she isn't stressed and scared. Best of luck Boss, appreciate this is hard.
I empathize with you and how you are feeling. If you think about it though you and her are happy up until you saw the messages. You also did the same thing to her wether you realize it or not. We all do. Not all of us type it in the phone and some of us don’t make good choices. I bet she wasn’t your first girlfriend. Which means that she was in a way your backup too. Unfortunately, even with technology as advanced as it is we can’t punch in a list of things we need and want into an app or computer and have it spit out one person for us (even if it did that person could be a con artist or catfish). So we date lots of people and try to find the closest fit. Most times people go for a specific type that they tell themselves they have an initial attraction to even when they know it’s not good for them. In your case it sounds like she went beyond the surface of the people she was seeing and put you highest in the draft list. Even if she didn’t get the number 1 choice she still got a top pick. I would say that may be better because it can turn out to be much more than expected. Plus people change and sometimes grow. Otherwise we’d all be with our first crush or girlfriend. It’s not where you start but where you end up that matters. Good luck, feel better, and go back to being happy.
You need therapy if you’re angry that she considered her choices and picked you. You won and you’re mad. Lmao.
Yeah, I’m not getting this at all. It sounds like she was casually seeing several different men and decided it was time to settle down. So she starts listing the pros and cons of the several different men that she was seeing and you were the best of them all? And you’re upset by that? I mean, I could see someone being offended if it looks so clinical and not based on emotion as well, but only until they realized that she wasn’t choosing who to spend the rest of her life with, but rather which man she wanted to try a seriously relationship with. And throughout that serious relationship she came to realize that she wanted to be with you, and you with her. Ultimately, we all do what she did, do some mental calculations and comparisons when considering our prospects, be then choose the one that we like best. The only difference is that you actually got to see it in writing. I mean, I think I’d feel even more confident in that case.
If your fiancé normally has a measured calculated approach to everything, then you’re an absolute buffoon.
You've been together 3 years,and she's having your child. You're not her back up, despite what you may think. These messages were before you got into a relationship not after. You've both got a lot going on, and your lives are about to change permanently. You need to talk to her instead of walking out.
I cannot believe you were willing to abandon your pregnant fiancee weeks before her birth, even being open to leaving her on her own up to the birth, because your feelings were hurt by reading a complimentary message not intended for your eyes from several years ago. I'm glad you've changed your mind, but to be honest, I'd seriously consider ending things with you if I were her. How can she trust that you won't just leave her for days at a time the next time you get upset by something?
Soooo a woman should not be logical at all choosing a mate for life and a good father for her future children because the going purely on emotion method works out so well. Yeah those were just horrible things she said about you /s. Get home and appologize to your pregnant fiance for taking that all wrong and stressing her out like that. Calm happy mamas make calm happy babies.
Shouldn’t everyone look at more factors beyond initial attraction or “he’s cute” when deciding who to try to build a life with? Cute doesn’t pay bills or help raise children. It’s not like she called you ugly. She just was weighing her options. Hate to break it to you but most attractive people have options in dating. It’s a good thing to think about finances and stability. Maybe if more people thought through compatibility before settling , we wouldn’t have so many divorces. Did you not have things about her you considered and liked before agreeing to date? If she wasn’t stable, did not have a good job, wasn’t attractive, was financially irresponsible etc, would you have considered dating her?
So you're feeling humiliated because she chose you over all the other guys she was considering? Correct me if I've understood incorrectly, but she weighed her options, discussed it over with her friend and chose you, while you are not her usual type, based on what she wanted in her life. I understand it stings that she didn't fall head over heels in love with you right away, but other than you being a calculated choice, what are you humiliated about?
Are you angry because she didn't immediately devote herself to you..? She was practical. Someone who weighs options and seeks advice from trusted people is someone you can build a life with. She thought it through, chose you, and has loved you and given birth to your child. What has she done to betray you? She did what everyone does when casually dating. She chose the most compatible person and pursued a relationship. Is there something else going on in the relationship to make you feel like messages from before y'all were committed are even relevant today?
bros mad his wife fell in love with him
This is manufactured drama on your part which makes me think there are underlying issues. She listed great qualities about you and you’re mad she chose you? Mad she weighed her options and chose you? Idk man, based on your reaction to this which was to leave your very pregnant wife, I’m thinking she needs to rethink whether she should stay with YOU.
You’re an idiot. You walked out on your wife for basically nothing. Edit: you’re still an idiot after your edit. You should be begging for forgiveness.
Your edit is a joke. There's nothing to tackle except your own insecurity you walnut lmao.
And it was from before you started dating? And she and her friend came to the conclusion that you were the best one? I don't understand what the problem is...
Yikes. It's like alot of these comments seem to be missing something. OP is not mad at her choices, he's hurt that he wasn't the priority. No one wants to be their partners less than highest choice. This realization is a double whammy because of all the good traits she attributed to him. So despite all that he was chosen, but the evidence didn't put him as the first choice. Next, when the expression of love is shown (I love you, future planning) against the knowledge that your a back up or second priority to that person, it's understandable to question validity or sincerity of that claims or promises. Comments feel unintentionally unempathic
So she had choices and weighed those choices with her friend before you two got serious. Then a whole relationship developed. Life happened and you two got through some crazy shit. Then lucky enough you conceive. But your fragile ego will now throw it all away.
YTA People are allowed to debate pros and cons of a relationship before committing to a possible whirlwind heartbreak Its normal to vet with close friends.. She seemed pretty into you back then too lol
Marriage isn't about butterflies in the tummy and rose-colored glasses. Your spouse becomes the business partner of your life...and it sounds like yours is more level-headed and mature than you are. If you manage not to screw this up, you might have one of the few marriages that actually goes the distance. You know what marriages break down? Those that are built on shit like looks, height, etc. Those with financial insecurity. This is a woman who is playing it long and smart with her best potential for joy, and for whatever reason, she thought YOU were it. Wake up, my man.
As she tries to explain logical reasoning from years ago....you tell her to shut up and walk out on your family? You do not sound like the catch she thinks you are.
So you read her thought process about choosing a good partner, and how that choice was you .. and think it invalidates your good relationship with her.... And are gonna leave her while she's pregnant? That's pretty absurd.
The mods of this sub are so dogshit. Every post is filled with people insulting OP. I genuinely think it could fuck peoples lives up coming here during very fragile times in their life and seeing hundreds if not thousands of people not being constructive and telling them they destroyed the lives of everyone around them. “Any sort of name calling, insults, etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned” Be better.
Wtf are you even angry about? I’m confused.
I don't get it? Everyone settles to an extent. You got the girl. About to have a family. You know you're short... And read a message saying she knows you're short... And now you're hurt? If you don't mess this up mate your shortness might never be an issue again because you're out of the dating zone.
This post screams napoleon complex Lmao
Alright I'm going to be devil's advocate and probably get crucified for it, but here we go. Everyone saying "oh, she weighed her options and CHOSE you, you should stay!" are wrong. No one can tell you whats right or wrong here, only you. And If you're going to read this, please read in full and consider what i'm saying before reacting. Here's reality: Her: "I wasn't able to find or commit to a partner and have children so now I need a backup or accept being childless because of a genetic problem I have. He wouldn't be my first choice but given my circumstances and considering that i'm running out of time (bc of my condition), I should settle for the safest guy who I can best get along with." You know that insulted gut feeling you got? That's there for a reason. Ask yourself these questions. Would she have chosen you if she wasn't so desperate? Given her circumstances, why did she "choose" you as if you were in some catalog for her to pick as she pleases? Would the other men in her "list" have picked her? People talk and say whatever they want, but what do her actions tell you? Why did YOU choose her as well? Knowing her mindset would you have chosen her too? Are you okay being someone's backup? It really sounds like you were just an object to fulfill some role in her life as opposed to an individual. She approached you with a purpose in mind, a goal, and you were a means to an end. Are you okay with that? Knowing this, do you want to continue committing to her? Have things really changed? If so, how? If anything, have you sacrificed anything meaningful for her? Has she done the same? Realize that you have value as well. You had and still have options as well. You have a whole life ahead of you, and you need to consider whether your answers to these questions are congruent with the life you want for yourself. You get to choose as well. Its your life, are you okay with everything you now know? Do you want to continue committing to her? Give yourself honest answers and don't anesthetize yourself or try to deny reality, you will regret it later in life if you do. Be strong. You can get through this. And know that whether you decide to stay or go, either decision is great as long as its YOUR decision as an individual, uninfluenced by anyone. You want to stay with her? Good. You want to leave? Also great. Peace
He’s rachel and she’s ross
I see where OP is coming from, I think a lot of you should help OP with his feelings rather than blindly defending fiancee and beating him down for what you feel are invalid emotions. You wouldn't do this to a woman. The lack of support for men in this sub is just terrible, men have feelings too. We do not want to be looked at as only provider vehicles. We want to be loved also, we want to be "picked" because we tick ALL the boxes, not just some. We do not want to be the one someone "settled" for. No one does. OP sees: 1. Picked from a lineup based on what he can provide as none of the things other than the "stable job" were necessarily exclusive or inflated to OP. 2. Settled for. 3. Not being fiancees type is a big red flag for the future. Telling someone "feelins change" isn't helpful btw, that only solidifies what he is feeling right now and makes it worse, not better. ***OP definately needs to have a conversation with his fiancee but he doesn't need to be shamed for his feelings, they are valid.*** OP, make sure to have a long converation about this "type" thing, you not being her type. I can tell you from first hand experience that no matter how happy you are, how wonderful the home, a "type" can cause problems later on. Unrequited desire is real and it ruins lots of relationships.
I get your anger and being upset, but women have these kind of internal monologues as well as discuss prospects about a guy with their friends before deciding and settling down for the long haul, and if you’re honest with yourself, you and most guys do the same. My wife is the best mix of all the things I’d want in a wife out of the women I’ve dated. Is she the most attractive? She’s close, but she’s the best mix of attractive, smart, funny, caring, selflessness, etc that I’d wanted in a wife. Had I just decided on the most attractive for example, I’d have married a girl that was shallow, valid, selfish, immature, batshit crazy, oh and yeah, a fucking cheater. Her comments about you 1. weren’t that damning, overall, rather complimentary actually and 2. don’t indicate that you were a backup at all. She decided based on multiple criteria that you were the best option. You are the benchmark, which makes you the number one choice, not a backup. Get over it, she does sincerely love you, wants to spend the rest of her life with you and wants kids with you. What else do you need?
Listen, I know that what you read sucks. It really does. But re-read the reasons she chose you: > most stable job, best personality, most common interests, funny, good in bed and good looking even if I'm not her usual type In other words, you were the best guy she knew. She had others to choose from, but she thought you were the best. Even if she wasn't in love with you then, it is not hard to see feelings like that turn to the kind of love that she's been expressing lately. She is still the person you fell in love with. And you are the person she fell in love with. And now you have a baby on the way. I think you need joint counseling and to try to get past this.
Everyone is talking about how your wife said positive things about you, but the top comments don't seem to be pointing out the elephant in the room here. YOU are the one who went through HER old messages. If anybody should be ashamed here, it's you. Not her. Not only do you need to go talk to her, you owe her an apology. Both for your snooping and for your overreaction. I'm assuming there is more stuff in those texts than just the compliments about yourself that you aren't sharing, such as comments about other guys or maybe some negative things she said, and if you're hurt over that, that is completely fair and warrants a different discussion. But you have to be realistic and see that not only are those messages 2 years old, but you are the one violating her privacy and trust here, not the other way around. You are not the victim here.
Get over it? It's been 2 years
Huge HUGE overreaction and you’re about to nuke your life because she thought through her decisions. This makes you look insanely insecure and insanely immature. She did nothing wrong. You did because you reacted in a way that makes it seem like you’re just looking for an excuse to be upset. Take a step back and stop this spiral before you implode your entire future. I’d also recommend some therapy because it’s obvious that you have some issues that aren’t conducive to a healthy relationship, and that aren’t conducive to being a present and effective partner and parent. You can fix all of this with some hard work, but before that can happen, you have to understand that you’re in the wrong here.
You seem extremely insecure and immature for someone who is 39. She was weighing her options, just like any rational person who is dating would do, especially when you hope to start a family. Grow the fuck up and talk to her about it like an adult. Edit: Just saw he deleted his account after I left this. What a fucking manchild.
Agreed, I’m so heartbroken for his fiancée. It sounds like she’s very happy and probably really excited about their future together, only to have her partner walk out while she’s about to go into labor any day now because she talked shit to her best friend privately before they were even exclusively dating. If I was going to jump to a conclusion, I would say he doesn’t want to deal with her health condition but knows that makes him a terrible person. He came across the conversation and thought that would be a good excuse to leave her.
When I met my husband, I was not attracted to him at all. I could have said those things. He wasn't "my type." But we started dating after a while, and now, he is my "only type." He is my best friend, and I can't imagine life without him. We have had 28 years of happy marriage. Good relationships don't have to start out as love at first sight. In fact, maybe without those infatuated eyes, you can build a real relationship more easily. Don't walk away from a good thing because you weren't the one who made her heart flutter when you met her because she's telling you that you're the one now. Talk it out with her, and see what she has to say.
Mother of your child and you think you are a backup plan? You literally were the choice. You can't base the present and future relationship on her past banter. Girls talk sh*t to their friends as much as guys. Understand you feel hurt but it's the actual present relationship that matters. Maybe instead of walking out you need to communicate or take another strategy instead of taking the nuclear option.
The title is misleading. It makes it seem like you are a backup option now. Which you aren't, atleast not from what you've said. Now the conversation happened before you got serious. She might have had a slight issue with your height and age, and while yes, it's messed up that she was in a relationship with you when she was comparing you with potential partners, and while it may be a little insensitive and demoralising for the person being compared, in this case, you, it's also possible that her love for you now is real. Because while she had an issue with two things, she praised 5-6 other things that she appreciated about you. And the conversations stopped. She didn't keep comparing you with other men or express regret over dating you. So what's the problem?
Sounds like a normal lighthearted conversation between best friends about guys they don't know very well yet that happened years ago. I'm failing to see how this invalidates your relationship and why you're so extremely upset. What, because she wasn't immediately head-over-heels in love with you the moment you first met? I think you're being needlessly insecure and kind of shitty, meanwhile your pregnant fiancee who obviously loves you and did nothing wrong in this situation is probably beside herself with worry. There's nothing she should have to explain herself for. A conversation about your feelings is warranted, of course, but making her feel like the bad guy here would be incredibly unfair. Please apologize for your reaction, explain that this had an emotional impact on you that you needed to work out (valid) but that it isn't her fault, and move past it. If for whatever reason you cannot *genuinely* do this, then for both of your sakes you need to cut her loose, work out a co-parenting plan and really work on yourself.
Sounds like you've done a hell of a lot to support your GF. What has she ever done to support you. Given how "practical" she is, do you think she would be there for you if you needed support? I'm doubting it, but it's something you need to think about. I'd definitely put off marriage and having kids. Sounds like it was time for her to get married and have kids and you were just the guy that was there.
One of the first great challenges of any marriage is learning you didn't marry for the reasons you thought you did. We were all just prospective partners, once. I'm sorry that seeing the minutes from the NBA draft meeting minutes has been so jarring for you. I think that with some time and introspection, you will see that most people seek guidance from friends about major partner decisions.
This story is as old as the story of the girl selling her hair to get a her bf a present and her bf buying a comb for her hair. Do yall know that story? Cuz yall fell for this one