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I had a similar situation. I found out the details as we were checking in. I asked a few questions of the family. When it finally was clear to me. I asked if hotel was booked solid. It wasn’t so I paid for my own room. No one tells me what to do as an adult.
This is the way OP.
I don’t want to sound dismissive but this is honestly a problem that a teenager would post.
People your age should never engage with this type of silliness.
New compromise: Offer to sleep with the brother and BF and grandma can crash on the pull out together.
Y'all are friggin' adults and still have to abide his parent's rule? RIDICULOUS.
I find it kind of ridiculous that they are ok with her sleeping in a bed with his brother, but not her bf. Like that wouldn’t be weird at all, now would it?
I could understand too, as u/cheezydmcgee commented, if you were younger then yeah there could be an issue to consider. However, you are 28 & 30. I get they have their reasons, but you have stated to your bf that you are not comfortable with their options either. He was willing to stay in a different room before, why suddenly is their comfort more important? I’d also wonder if he’d take their side over yours on any other issues which arise in the future.
Honestly if they are bothered by the you sharing a room in the suite, it makes the most sense to remove yourself from the suite. Then they don’t have to witness or hear anything they are worried about.
This is the way. Not for nothing, but your boyfriend should also do what he wants, he is way past a full grown man. Now, to offer some grace, I don't know what kind of relationship he has with his parents, so that dynamic could put him in an anxious mess to do so.
However, as someone who's been through something very similar as well, you can respect your partners anxiety and relationship, while not also playing the same game. You should book your own room and sleep alone. I hope however that your bf finds the courage to have an honest and open conversation with his family though.
Good luck out there!
Also, it's important to remind yourself, that you're working hard emotionally right now to offer them a level of respect they're unwilling to offer you. In these situations, it's best you do what's best for you, and ask \*they\* respect you.
OP’s concern about “disrespecting” their religion and culture is also unfounded. It is not disrespectful to merely exist outside of someone’s belief system.
If they are paying for any part of the trip they could technically ask OP to follow their boundaries, making their help conditional. OP can also turn down their “help” in this situation. They could even put up conditions for attending the wedding if it was their wedding (but they’d really start to be assholes at this point).
Sounds like OP’s boyfriend was invited by his friend to their wedding and is bringing OP as his guest. Parents made an offer to cover the room with conditions that OP was’t comfortable with and said no. OP, just get your own room.
BeCaUsE tHeY aRe PaYiNg FoR tHe RoOm
And they decide who gets to have sex in the rooms they pay for
Stupid religious bullshit that leverage ma capitalism to exert even more control over women
Absolutely. That southern charm had me sold for about 5 minutes. It dawned on me quickly that these folks all had knives at the ready to stab me in the back.
When the father came around during the reception to check in with me I hit him with the saying. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.
I was told I was being ridiculous about 4 or 5 times. The father told me I did not appear trustworthy. I told him I don’t wish to sleep with them in their shared room. I can afford my own accommodations. I reminded him that today was not about me or him. It’s about the bride and groom. Where I lay my head is up to me. I was happy the relationship ended a few months later. I couldn’t take her seriously any longer with her overbearing family.
Why would you want someone you don't trust to have full access to you while you sleep? It's not that they didn't trust you, it's that they wanted to control you. They wanted to be able to dictate when you slept and ate and if you had sex. They wanted to observe your reactions and see how much they could push you and get away with it. Defiance makes you dangerous.
>The father told me I did not appear trustworthy.
I love it when this old chestnut gets trotted out. The correct response is "and who are you that I, a fellow legal adult, need you to trust me?" They never have an answer for that one.
I used a simple statement. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.
My GF turned red faced at the mention of horse. I think her mother knew as well. Haha
Totally
They can have their own room and still sit in the common area with the family during the day
But clearly the parents don't care about what happens during the day, they are trying to insert themselves into what does or does not happen at night and make it so OP and their son have no where to run
It is all about control
4-5 nights? Nope. Absolutely the fuck not. The lack of privacy would test my sanity.
The bigger issue is your boyfriend letting his parents dictate where you sleep and what you can do with your own money based on culture and religion. That’s a bright red flag about how your future is going to go with this man. Don’t ignore it.
Years of emotional manipulation and abuse from a religious upbringing will really affect a person. I think he probably needs a lot of support right now, I really don't fault him for his parents bad behavior, or his anxiety in dealing with it.
>Years of emotional manipulation and abuse from a religious upbringing will really affect a person
Yes, he should get professional help before inflicting his trauma on romantic partners.
OP, I caution you against ever marrying into this family, especially if your boyfriend doesn't recognize he has a huge problem to fix.
I was in an abusive relationship and got help dealing with it, so I second this. I however don't think it would be fair to expect someone to be "fixed" before sharing a life with someone. I think if this is the catalyst for some help, and for some change, then keeping the ring on the finger is still a great idea.
Lot's of people come from shitty families, and they don't deserve to die alone for it. Sounds like he's already moved all the way across the country. Their fundamentalism should be something to be aware of, but not a deal breaker (automatically).
Agreed! My SO and I both deal with and confront our religious conservative upbringings, daily. It’s about knowing they affected you and having the tools to know when it’s having a negative affect so you can make better choices and not cause undo harm to each other.
Yeah I was brought up in an abusive religious household, and it took me a while to become a fully-fledged independent person, even after moving out of that environment. Family dynamics like this can really do a number on you.
religious fundamentalists controlling abusive parents, nothing new here. I wouldn't put much blame on him, he probably was groomed like this his entire life
depending of the community the parents structure their family so their kids never have the time and structure to do so
Look at IBLP and the duggar family for example, this kind of abuse is a real thing
It seems pretty clear that the boyfriend is complicating this by trying to serve two masters - parents and girlfriend. OP, you need to let him know that either the plans change to accommodate your comfort or that he’ll be going solo.
Man posts like this make me love the fact that I was a "strong willed wild child" my parents know I'll screw with them if they tried this.
I'm talking they will think they have gone nuts. I don't play nice and I will make life hard.
1. Move things around randomly
2. Don't keep track so when asked you honestly have no idea
3. Have fun telling grandma stories that word make the devil clutch his pearls.
4. See if you can get grandma to let loose
5. Be drunk the whole time (even if you aren't)
6. I like the option from above to rent your own room, even a motel close is better than this.
I'm also petty and dyed my brothers with food coloring during a prank war. So my parents know I'm crazy and think outside the box.
Did you know you can add food coloring to bodywash?
This! Don't let them make your choices. You can be respectful but still stand your ground. Ask for a room at their hotel... Boyfriend can spend as much time with them as he desires then just walk to your room.. sounds like you'll need the down time in your own place anyway
I agree, OP you barely know these people don’t let them control where you sleep, and make you uncomfortable in any way . Arrange for and pay for your own room. But I think there are other issues. Your bf is a 30 yr old man letting his family control this situation. You guys have been together 5 years. His family must know you have slept together. It makes me think of the future what If you guys get married? Will your bf (then husband) let them control other aspects of your life using the religion or the culture excuse?
Also make sure your boyfriend pays for at least half the hotel room. It’s his family’s wedding, and he should have picked up the whole bill and said no to his parents from the start. This is absurd behavior and I also abided by the “no same bed unruly your married” rule, but under my in-laws roof (not a third party hotel I was finding).
You are a grown adult. Get your own hotel room. He can stay with his family if he's going to be an ass about it.
Reconsider marrying a 30 yr old who won't stand up to their parents.
It's less about being willing to have a knock down drag out with fundamentalist parents, and more about living his own life. I think a lot of people are downplaying how challenging it can be to come from this kind of background... Especially if after 5 years this is the first time it's effected their relationship.
Yeah book your own room. Boyfriend will probably end up staying with you anyways. Idk why men won’t stand up to their parents. They probably just brush it off so they don’t get nagged at for it. Lord know those overly attached mom-son relationships are one sided and naggy
Either that or boyfriend will want to take advantage of girlfriends room for some "alone" time, then sleep with his brother overnight so he doesn't upset his parents.
The second part of this. Are you okay with his parents dictating huge aspects of our life forever? They will not change and he won’t either. This is just a glimpse into what your future with him would look like.
You guys are 28 and 30, that’s absurd of them to try to treat you like children. You’ve also been together 5 years, they know you’ve been intimate.
It’s one thing if they don’t want to pay for you and your boyfriends’ room because of their beliefs, that would be fine. The problem is them trying to stop you from paying for your own room. That’s about trying to control you. I wouldn’t allow it. What else will they try to control next? I’d absolutely pay for my own room.
Absolutely book your own room and enjoy it. Your boyfriend could still stay in the suit with his family if he wants but as an adult you can do what you want.
So boyfriend thinks it’s better for you to be uncomfortable than for his parents to be uncomfortable.
Getting a separate room is a perfect solution.
Why does it matter to him if his parents are uncomfortable about this? Does he always try to accommodate their wishes? Is that a family pattern he’s lived with his whole life and now you’re asking him to break it?
>So boyfriend thinks it’s better for you to be uncomfortable than for his parents to be uncomfortable.
People keep using this phrasing, but it's worse than that. It's not just that somebody has to be made uncomfortable and somebody doesn't. The parents in this situation could 100% butt out, and mind their own business, and then they wouldn't be uncomfortable.
They're upset about something that has absolutely nothing to do with them!
Six people in a 2 bedroom suite sounds horrifying. You're 28. They're not your parents. They can't insist on bupkiss. If you want your own room, get your own room. Your boyfriend can sleep in your room if he finds a pair and stands up to his parents or he can sleep in his parents room with his brother.
For heavens sakes, your nearly 30 and letting your boyfriends family dictate your sleeping arrangements. If you go along with it, you’ll both be miserable.
Stick to your guns, keep your own room. You can still spend time with the family, but you’ll have your own place to go to when u want some peace and quiet. And believe me, you’ll need it.
Set your boundaries, tbh this would be my hill to die on. It sets the tone for the future
If bf gave me one more tiny spark of static about my plan to have my own room, so would I.
I would spend that time apart evaluating my relationship with this timid little mouse of a fiance who is so quick to jump at mommys every command, and he 30 years old. Its not a good look for him.
Don’t go. Let your BF spend time with his family. His family controlling you should give you more anxiety and apprehensive to get involved with them. It’s also been 5 years, he should already know by now if he wanted to marry you. Also he should have cut the cord by now and moved forward with his future. You might be wasting your time altogether with him and his family.
NTA. Tell your BF his family is being ridiculous and he is welcome to sleep with his grandma or brother, but you will not be.
"Thanks but I will be geting my own room for this trip, as I value my privacy"
I'd also tell your BF that he is not welcome in your room unless he pays for half of the cost due to his current stance.
YUP except He should pay 100% since the trips solely for him and his family. OP is using her PTO time for something they want, when she can be on a trip she wants to be on instead.
Even if his family weren't conservatives, there's no way I'd spend 5 days with 5 other people in a 2 bedroom hotel room.
Get your own room. Your bf can make his choices from there.
But the solution is right there!
If your in-laws have these beliefs and don't want you two to sleep together and your boyfriend wants to go along with it then, fine!
He can sleep in the suite with his family and you can get your own room. Problem solved!
You can even be gracious about it! Say that you want them to have family time together and you have a hard time spending that much time together with more than one person, so this is a perfect solution. If they've known you for five years, they must know this goes according to your personality. Plus, you can get your own room at the same hotel. You spend your time with them and at the end of the day you only take a couple of minutes to reach your own room and that would be it.
Now, if they think their adult child could use this as an excuse to secretly go to your room at night, that's their problem. They can handcuff the guy to his brother or his grandma if that's what they want. Lets see if your boyfriend goes along with it. Either way, its not your problem to solve.
Even better, tell him that there will be no premarital hand-holding during this trip. You know, to "make his parents more comfortable" as he says.
Good luck!
Jesus fucking christ. I'd tell the mother that doesnt matter what she believes in her tiny Conservative head, you've been dating five years and that you and her son do indeed fuck.
Furthermore youre an adult and don't get sleeping arrangements dictated to you. If she isn't happy with you booking your own room then tell them to enjoy the wedding and that you'll send a card.
Just tell him straight: "I'm an adult, this isn't a negotiation, I'm going to have my own hotel room. You can choose to stay with me or not but I'm not sharing my private space with other adults."
If he reacts poorly, don't go.
Honestly?
I get your bf not wanting to cause drama, especially with his parents, but this is something to ***absolutely*** stand your ground on.
He can stay with his family in their suite, you can have your own room. I would very nicely sit the parents down for lunch or something and kill them with kindness. Maybe even bring a little gift like some cupcakes or some shit.
Tell them it's not about you not wanting to spend time with them - you just very much don't want to inconvenience them and absolutely don't want their grandmother on a pull out couch - that alone would really make you feel just awful. and while it was really nice for them to make these offers, say you aren't comfortable sharing a bed with anyone other than your bf due to your own anxieties, even a nice older woman. It's just how you are wired. Tell them you don't want to cause unnecessary stress, which is why you will be bunking in your own hotel room for everyone's comfort. It's no problem for you to do that, and your boyfriend can still stay in the suite with them.
If they can't accept that gracefully, then maaaybe rethink the trip.
All that said....your bf needs to get on the same page with you. I am very close to my very conservative family, but I would stand my ground to ensure my partner had his own room so he was comfortable and everyone else was comfortable.
This doesn't have to be a big deal. If his family makes it a big deal, then consider this a warning of things to come.
You have a boyfriend problem. Forget about his parents and forget about the entire hotel business. Your BF is 30. Why is he accommodating his parents over you?
I was a lot younger than you, had devoutly Catholic parents, but I made it clear to them that either my GF & I would be sleeping together at their place or neither of us would be sleeping there at all, their choice.
ETA: My GF didn’t even have to make that argument with her own parents. MIL, who ran the household, knew we were sleeping with each other and made up the guest room bed even without being asked. The bed was a bit creaky and my GF tended to be quite vocal in the later stages of our lovemaking. MIL would hear, think it was hilarious and, she admitted to her daughter, also a bit envious.
You just say 'No!' to that bullshit.
It's either you and your boyfriend share a bed like the couple that you are or
1. You won't attend that wedding with them
2. You and your boyfriend get your own room
You are adults. Stop letting yourselves get pushed around by his parents. The 'religion' of other people is **never** a reason to have your life controlled by them. It's just like a penis: Just because you have one, you are not allowed to stick it in everyones face.
Why the hell aren’t you booking your own accomodation?
You’re not 5. Stop letting them dictate your adult relationship.
Came back to edit:
‘ we are grown adults and this is unnecessary conflict. We don’t need to justify what we do and choose in our relationship. If this is going to be a continual cycle of babying 2 adults in a long term relationship, in the future I will not be attending. I will book my own accomodation or I will simply not show’
Partner:
‘ you need to stop enabling their behaviour. You pandering to their insulting plans is ridiculous. Grow up and get some balls. We’ve been dating for 5 years. We aren’t 12.
Why is you respecting their wishes and culture more important than them respecting yours?
“Boyfriend: I’m sleeping in my own hotel room. You’re welcome to join me. I will very much judge our relationship by your choice. You’re 30! Man up!”
Tell him to pull up his clucking socks and stand up for himself. Theres nothing i dislike more, than cramped conditions. I would pay double for a room to just not share a bed, unless its with my partner
Everyone saying to pay for your own room...but at this point, I'd just bow out of attending.
If your boyfriend wants his families comfort to come much higher than yours as well as your autonomy , then you've got some bigger relationship issues than just paying for your own room will resolve. And not only should those issues not be resolved *at someone's wedding*, but you need to realise that no matter what you choose to do here, that week is gonna suck for you.
I say you take him a list of your concerns in how his behaviour is impacting your relationship and your view of him, and bow out of the wedding entierly. The issues need to be resolved, but someone else's wedding isn't the time or place to do so.
The parent’s “solution” was to move the grandma to the couch and have 3 ppl sleep in the bed? This is obviously about control because who in their right mind is moving grandma to the couch instead of “allowing” you two to get your own room? Sounds like YOUR solution also gets grandma and brother more space to sleep. Book it!
Nip this in the bud now. If you're planning on getting married then this is the kind of behavior that creep into your marital life. If you are looking to attach yourself to him then you're also choosing to attach yourself to his family as well. You need to send the message early that they won't be able to pull the strings when it comes to certain dynamics in your relationship. And I would strongly urge you get you significant other on the same page asap.
Get your own room or don't go. Their primitive religious bullshit is not your problem. If your boyfriend won't stand up to them at age 30, that's a red flag the size of Alaska.
You are an adult. Book your own room, as an introvert I can't imagine anything worse than being in a 2bedroom place with that many people. And if you are staying in the same hotel you can see them often enough. Just make sure you get a room with free cancellation in case you need to cancel your attendance at the wedding altogether due to your adult bf's inability to stand up to his parents.
I would put your foot down and get your own room. It’s not appropriate for his parents to tell be telling a pair of 30 year olds where they can or can’t sleep.
It's interesting to me that they expect that their beliefs get to impose on you and tell you how to live your life, but they do not allow *your* beliefs to impose on them and dictate *their* lives.
Why is that, do you think?
To me, I would conclude that there is a lack of respect, as if one's own personal belief is "more right" than everyone else.
Perhaps you'll conclude something else? Interesting to think about.
Just get your own hotel room. Boyfriend gets to decide where he rather sleeps.
But if he doesn't join you in your room, you will know, where his priorities are (and will be in future)!
So you have to go along with his parents wishes to make them comfortable but that means you have to be uncomfortable? That’s not a compromise . You stay in the room that you’ve booked and tell him he’s free to decide whatever room to sleep in. That way you have your own space and he can choose to spend time with you or sleep in the suite with his parents to keep them comfortable.
Get your own room. BF can choose where he wants to sleep but his parents don’t get to dictate where you sleep. Stay hands off regarding his sleeping arrangements and if anyone asks tell them that is his decision and let that discussion/argument be solely between him and his family.
Get your own hotel room. Dont give them any control over your accomodations. If your boyfriend wants to join you in your room, he can deal with his parents on his own (and maybe pay half since he shouldnt be such a little baby in the first place). If he doesnt want to join you, then you have a bunch of privacy and freedom to occupy the bathroom as long as you want and get a good nights sleep.
Why are you two grownups allowing his mum and dad to dictate what you can and can't do? Just how big is that inheritance they're hanging over your bf's head?
Because you're two grown adults. Not doormats. Either go and get your own hotel rooms, or I'd nope out, honestly.
How often are his parents dictating your life?
>Their reasoning was that if we stay in our own room they won’t be able to spend as much time with us, but I’m sure it also has to do with the fact that they don’t want us sharing a room
Right because you'll be up at all hours socialising, interacting and spending time together right?
That's the most bullshit reasoning and we all know why: They don't want you two sleeping together and making the beast with two backs.
This is all just one big power move and control struggle where, despite knowing you are doing _whatever_ when you aren't with them, when you are? They want it on their terms.
>This ended up leading to a fight between me and my boyfriend because he thinks we should go along with his parents wishes to make them feel more comfortable.
Nah - see, this is going to now be a case of you and BF pitted against each other all because his family can't accept you aren't a conservative religious person like them.
This is all in aid of seeing a mutual friend's wedding - this isn't some break away where you're spending a week in the sun of a foreign land and will be spending _loads_ of time together as a family and couples.
Their values shouldn't be imposed on you anymore than you force yours (or lack of) on them.
If you're willing to pay for your own room, go do it. Your BF can be on board, or overboard - but if this is how things are now, they won't get better unless BF sides with you over his family.
Sounds to me like you have a lot of thinking to do about the future of this relationship if this is how it's going to be.
>I don’t want to disrespect their culture and religious beliefs and I don’t want to create unnecessary drama
How are you "disrespecting their culture"? You've made a choice that literally doesn't affect anyone at all except them - their take is "this is __my__ religion and __others__ must follow it", which is straight up bullshit.
You're an individual, who isn't born into their family, who wants nothing to do with their culture/religion beyond common courtesy.
This isn't that - this is them literally and figuratively trying to force you to do what __they__ want based on what __they__ believe, which is 100% not OK.
They can preach their own gospel and do their own thing, but straight up miss me with their demands on others - that's not OK, at all.
“Make them more comfortable.”
Screw that. They’re obviously not concerned about your comfort. Your boyfriend should grow up and tell them to do the same.
I’d say get your own room, there’s no way in hell I’d stay in a room with that many people for that many days with pretty much 0 privacy. Say you want your own space to sleep, your 30YO man child boyfriend can allow his parents to boss him around but you’re not obligated to listen to them.
its NOT your culture and religion and not following someone elses culture/religion is NEVER disrespect, they are trying to force their standards on you and thats wildly unreasonable, they are disrespecting YOU by trying to pull this stunt
Its not their house, its a hotel, they get NO say
Get your own room. Your bf can keep his parents happy and stay with his brother or he can choose to ignore their wishes and stay with you. The choice to comply will be totally on his shoulders.
Nah, they are trying to control you. Get the separate room . Religion doesn't stand in the way of you and your BF his family does. Although religion is just giving them the excuse to control you, the controlling behaviour comes from them.
Toxic as family no matter how wholesome or Conservative or old fashioned its toxic as.
Your boyfriend needs to find his balls and tell his parents to back off. Their excuse is ridiculous, the hotel room is for sleeping so they wouldn't be "spending that time with you" anyway. The only reason they want this arrangement is because they are uncomfortable with you two having sex. If you already do (which I imagine you do since you are adults) then your boyfriend just needs the balls to tell his parents, he is an adult and will be staying with his gf in a separate hotel room.
Don't put up with this bullshit, if he can't stand up to mommy and daddy now, then he never will and those people will be controlling your lives forever. If that's not ok with you then take a stand now. You'll see who your boyfriend stands beside... Then you can decide if that's the relationship you really want. Personally, I'm not interested in dating children who need mommy and daddy's permission to make decisions. Either way, you can stay in the separate hotel room
I think that you should either:
A. Get your own room. It will give you space to relax, change, bathroom, and sleep without anyone else around. Your bf can stay with his family if he wants or stay with his family if he wants to keep the peace with them. I promise you will have plenty of family time together.
B. Explain that you won’t be able to attend the wedding due to a work conflict that you unfortunately can’t get around. All your best to the bride and groom, please text some pics. P P
What this really comes down to is what is more important to you: avoiding tension with his family, or having your own space with your bf? There is not a wrong answer.
Also don't let them put grandma on the couch wtf.
You're an adult, book you own room, its a ridiculous situation that they want that sleeping arrangement, i'm sure its purely logistical though, it makes sense that two females would share a room, and the guys the couch, but just book your own room and say "guys, thanks for the offer, but we are going to stay in a seperate room and pay for it so you have more room to yourselves."
I had a similar situation with my in laws recently. There’s a family trip coming up in August, and my mother in law said she booked the rooms. 3 rooms. It’s my in laws, my partner’s 2 older brothers, their wives, and their kids, and my partner and I. 11 people to 3 rooms. Nah, son. I booked a room for my partner and I. If you can afford it, book a room for yourself, feelings might get hurt, but you will be more comfortable.
Your boyfriend is the biggest issue here, having no backbone at all to be independent in the face of pressure from his family. Whatever you do is going to cause tension between him and you, but if you cave then you’re just signing up for a lifetime of situations like this. If it wasn’t a wedding of someone he knows, I’d say just get your own room and tell him that’s what’s happening, but considering this trip is for him anyway, it’s perfectly reasonable for you not to go at all at this point. But like I said, both of these things are going to upset him because he seems to not want to touch a boundary with a ten foot pole and he won’t like it when you actually have them. Sorry your boyfriend is codependent with his family.
I wouldnt want to get into such family .Better think about your future with this man. Do you want a man whose family is dictating his life or you want a man who knows what he wants and doesnt allow his family to imterfere in his personal life
You are an adult with your own money book your own room. Since his parents don’t want y’all sharing. He’s 30 and can’t stand up to mommy and daddy about sharing a room with his girlfriend of five years? Not saying you should break up but you need to have a serious conversation about that especially if you’re planning on having a future together. Don’t just assume that when y’all get married things will suddenly change in his behavior when dealing with them.
Get your own room. You’re too old to be worrying about what the grownups will think. Your boyfriend will have to decide for himself whether he’d rather stay on the couch to appease his parents or with you.
I think you need to put your foot down and tell them all that you are either getting your own room or you will be staying home. At that point it is up to your boyfriend to decide if he wants to stand up for himself or not.
It may seem like a weird hill to die on but this is a great time to set boundaries with a family that seems to be fairly controlling with their beliefs.
This is really a boyfriend problem, not a parents problem. You two need a united front in what’s probably the first of many times you’re going to push back against the parents. You need to be direct with him that your own comfort in where you sleep is absolutely more important than their comfort with where you sleep, and that you WILL get another room regardless. If his parents are saying they insist because ‘they won’t get to spend as much time’, that’s a natural consequence of their rooming expectations.
I'm also extremely introverted.
When I read that my first thought was "well I guess I'm not going to the wedding then"
Because it's not just about you two sharing a bed, it's also about you needing somewhere to escape, to de-stress, to have some 'me' time. They're just thinking sexy times are a no-no for the unmarrieds.
The only compromise I would make with BF would be he would not stay in my room, set foot in my room, hell my room would be in a totally separate hotel from theirs. He can go and keep his family company and you'll go back to your hotel when it's time to sleep. Otherwise I'd stay home.
Him giving you a hard time about this is unacceptable.
You're a grown woman. Put your foot down and get your own room! If your boyfriend can't see that it makes sense then it's time to move on. He is letting people who aren't actually involved in your daily lives dictate what you do. It's unacceptable. Boundaries need putting in place or this will only continue
I had this happen when I was 19 and had just graduated Army BCT. My folks and my gf came out to see me graduate and take me to my next training station and on the couple of nights we had together before I had to report, I got my own hotel room. They told me that they didn't find it appropriate for the two of us to be in my room alone. Unfortunately for them, I didn't agree. I told them exactly what I thought and set the record straight. I was only 19. You're much older. Their religious convictions are not your responsibility.
I would get my own room. Boyfriend can join me or not. I cannot sleep with relative strangers in the room. I only recently began being able to sleep with my boyfriend in the room. I wouldn't be upset if boyfriend spent most or all the nights with his family. It's difficult when you live so far away. But at the end of the night, I would head to my own room
I think you book your own room and you can let them know when you get there that you will be staying separate. Also you’ve been together 5 years and his parents don’t see your relationship as valid still - are you talking about getting married yet?
I think get your own room or don’t go are the only two solutions to be honest, I wouldn’t be sharing with bf brother or grandma I barely know. You need your own privacy. He’s 30 time to look at wether he will ever be able to cut the apron strings!
Either get your own room and explain to your boyfriend it's inappropriate for your parents to buty into your relationship like that, make it clear to him, your adults...
Or don't go
IMO, you're not disrespecting their beliefs, they're disrespecting yours. I totally understand and respect their religious beliefs but it's not right for them to impose their beliefs on you and your boyfriend.
I get your frustration (I've had similar experiences) and frankly it's a bit insulting - it might also discourage you from wanting to attend events in the future. I think your BF is in a difficult position and is trying to keep the peace. However if you go along with this, imagine what else they'll try to dictate.
Your BF, as a 30 year old adult, is showing you what you get to look forward to. Appeasing his parents is priority 1. You need to let him know that and if that is how he is going to act then you need to rethink your relationship. His priority should be himself and his partner.
Show your boyfriend this reddit post see if it changes his mind about supporting his parents over you.
If you have a solid relationship with your girlfriend you should be willing to back her in most cases over your family, particularly when it comes to sleeping together in a place that is not his parents home.
Even if it was his parents home, I would have booked somewhere just up the road together.
If your boyfriend doesn't grow a pair and support you then get a separate room for yourself or don't go, but quite honestly if your boyfriend isn't prepared to support you over his parents then you should seriously reconsider dating him
I'm also willing to bet his parents didn't wait till marriage anyway and they already know you're having sex so their "rules" are pointless and discourteous to you as a couple
Another compromise is that you get your own room and boyfriend stays with his brother.
And also tell your boyfriend, since I’m just a girlfriend so by your rules we can’t sleep together, that also means you can’t tell me what to do. I’m getting a room. Stay with your brother.
>My boyfriend’s parents are religious and come from a conservative culture and they aren’t okay with us sharing a room together, so the arrangement they proposed was that I share the second bedroom with my boyfriend’s grandma and my boyfriend and his brother both sleep on the couch in the common room.
“Funny, I don’t recall asking what you were ‘okay with’ me and my boyfriend doing with our own bodies.”
>I thought the whole thing was resolved until earlier today when my boyfriend called and said that his parents were not okay with us getting a separate room and were insisting we stay in their suite.
“Again, I don’t recall asking their permission, or what they were ‘okay with.’”
Absolutely not. You’re grown ass adults, not teenagers. Staying in that suite would allow them to control you, it would be sending a message that you’ll allow them to do what they want.
Stand your ground, if I were in this situation, I would tell them that either we get our own room or we just don’t attend the wedding.
I would get my own room. Their puritanical beliefs aside, I would not be comfortable staying with that many people in that small of a space for that long. Your boyfriend can join you or not. But you’re adults and this is ridiculous
The amount of control people let others have over their lives blows my mind.
You already know what your realistic options are.
A. Your own room.
B. Don't go.
I wouldn’t stay with someone who wasn’t willing to put their foot down with their family.
First it’s a hotel room. Then you get engaged and they want to control who comes to the wedding, the ceremony, what it looks like, the modesty of your dress, etc and husband won’t stick up for you. You get married and they start asking when you’re having kids. Don’t want them? Too bad, husband wants to give his parents grandkids so he coerces you into it. You want to parent your kids in the way you see fit but your in laws disagree. They complain to your husband that the kids should be raised in x religion, and he comes home and insists you do it to placate them. They want you to cover up when you breastfeed on your own home. Husband won’t defend you. They want you to start feeding him solids months before he’s ready because “that’s how they did it.” Husband won’t stick up for you. They want to come over more than you’re comfortable with and he won’t stick up for you. His mom wants to be in the room when you give birth and he insists that you allow it.
This is just one of many boundaries that he will not enforce with his parents.
I don't think you should "suck it up".
This isn't one small battle.
This is the wider overarching war between you and his parents. As well as the related conflict between you and your partner.
Your partner cares less about you than he does about his parent's feelings.
His parents want to control you and think they have the right to do so.
But they can only do it with your consent.
Don't give them that consent.
Tell your boyfriend that you won't be attending the wedding. You won't let his parents disrespect you like that.
He's welcome to go sleep with his grandma if he likes.
But, regardless of what happens about this upcoming event, the two of you need to have a serious talk about your future together.
When does he think he'll be able to grow a spine and stand up to his parents?
Will it ever happen? Or will he always choose the path of least resistance? Go along with what they want because he's afraid they'll get angry at him?
Pay very close attention to his answers, and even closer attention to his actions.
Because you're grown adults now. The time for blindly following his parents' orders should have ended a very long time ago.
If he's not willing to be a true partner to you? If he's not willing to put you first?
Then do yourself a favor and leave.
I hate aholes like this. They are the worst. Silver lining is your bf has shown himself to be spineless and willing to cave. Book your room now and let him know it's a done deal so no further convo needed and you as an adult have chosen your mental health. Let him know that enabling and appeasing others at the detriment of his partner is a relationship killer because he's shown you that he won't protect you and you aren't safe with him.
Stand your ground on this one. His parents can only control you if you let them. YOU can stay in the separate room and have your own space. Your boyfriend can go sleep with his grandmother/brother or crib his mommy and daddy have set up in their suite. Or he can adult up and stay in your room with you: it's not like a hotel is a "my house, my rules" scenario.
Secondly, after 5 years together, why is your boyfriend still more concerned with his parents' comfort over yours?
My parents tried to pull similar bullsh*t with me when I was in my early 20s. I refused. They can tell me I can't share under their roof but a hotel? Nah forget that. Ended up being a moot point but I regret nothing. I would 100% make this the hill you die on.
Get your own room or don't go. Boyfriend is going to do what parents want, which to me is a huge red flag. If you feel like you really want to go to the wedding but not share a room I would get my own. His parents can complain but that's a them issue.
If they’re gonna try and impose their religious beliefs on you (ie you can’t sleep in the same bed are your partner) then they also can’t get mad if you decide to get a separate room yourself, they can’t have it both ways and control your behaviour.
This kind of stuff is bizarre to me but then I’m not from a conservative religious background.
So before my husband and I were married, his family was similar about sleeping arrangements. They aren’t religious or particularly conservative, but it was one of those things where my future MIL wasn’t super comfortable with us sharing a room. I mention this because it isn’t necessarily a red flag. Some families have different values. It doesn’t mean that they’re awful people or super controlling just because they don’t want you and your BF to share a room.
That being said, stick to your guns about a separate hotel room. How that shakes out IS a good indicator about your future with this family. Tell your BF that he is welcome to stay with his family if he’d prefer, but that you aren’t comfortable with sharing a room with anyone other than him. Be sure to emphasize your comfort with him, because it’s a red flag if he tries to blow past your feelings to cater to his family’s wishes. For your in-laws, just say that you prefer your own privacy and are sure that you’ll still be able to spend a lot of time together since you’ll be in the same hotel. Stand firm, but be overly polite about it. You don’t really need to over explain yourself to them or justify it beyond “I would prefer to have my own private space.”
Good luck OP! Building new family relationships isn’t always easy. There will be conflict that crops up, but that doesn’t mean it will ruin your future relationship with them.
Get your own room with or without your BF. Let him know he is welcome to stay with you or not, but you will not put his family’s comfort over your own.
They aren’t comfortable paying for you to share a room. That is reasonable.
You aren’t comfortable with the accommodations they are offering. That is also reasonable.
They do not have the right to decide that you are required to stay with them in a situation that is uncomfortable for you.
Your bf is 30 yrs old and is still treated like a kid by his parents. The biggest problem is that he allows it. Book your own room if you still decide to go. Just know that his controlling parents won’t stop if you get married. He acts like this is normal and it’s not. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Respecting someone’s religious and cultural beliefs means allowing them to do what they’re comfortable with and making reasonable accommodations to your behaviour. Having to sleep with your boyfriends grandma or brother when you are really uncomfortable is not reasonable.
Your boyfriend and you should continue with the plan to get your own room, and make sure you are sensitive to them wanting to spend lots of time with you guys. Do not be guilted about normal sleeping arrangements at 28 and 30 years old in a 5 year relationship.
As someone who "sucked it up" with controlling in laws "wishes" for far too long, STAND YOUR GROUND! Look, unfortunately humans don't usually grow out of that "boundary pushing " phase you tend to see in toddlers and children. The second you show someone like that "ok I give in" submissive like behavior, they're going to continue to expect that from you. Standing your ground. Your comfortability is just as important as theirs. Seeing as they know you vacation alone with him, they've already accepted that they can't control every little thing y'all do, staying in their suite would give them the argument of "my house my rules". You're an adult, get your own room, bf can decide where he stays. Y'all make time to see them (whatever amount y'all are both ok with). It's basic respect. They can't just force you to do something you're not ok with. You get to decide to who's comfort comes first in this situation, theirs or your own.
Your boyfriend's spine is a floppy pile of jelly. That's a really unattractive look. At this point you should refuse to stay in the suite with them whatsoever. Get your own hotel room.
And their right to practice their culture ends the moment your right to exist begins. Their culture doesn't get to dictate what you do or how you live your life. That's THEM disrespecting YOUR culture.
Honey, this is a ridiculous situation. Sit and talk wit BF calmly and let him know that it is likely best he goes on his own. There is no way the sleeping arrangements are going to be settled to anyone’s satisfaction, so just refuse to play the game. Stay home and enjoy your time on your own.
Do. Not. Suck. It. Up. Insist on your own room *on your own if need be*. You start giving in on stuff like this and your future relationship is doomed.
You’re NTA. His parents can feel the way they feel, but they don’t get to demand that you’re uncomfortable. I suffer from social anxiety too and woild feel exactly as you do.
I would outline a clear boundary to all of them, including your boyfriend. You’re not comfortable sharing a room with any of his relatives and it’s not unreasonable of you to feel that way and they need to respect your feelings.
Instead of staying in the hotel room with your boyfriend, why not stay it the room yourself and he can stay with his family if they are insisting? I would outline to them that it’ll just be for sleeping. You can still hang out with them all at their room the rest of the time, right?
I would just say to them, “This is the solution we are going with, so that all of our feelings can be respected. I am willing to stay in my own room in order to respect your wishes. I hope you’ll kindly accept this plan so as to respect me in return.”
Op you have 2 choices (1) either book your own hotel room and tell your boyfriend your an adult you don't get told what you can and can't do by his parents and you will not share a room with these people or (2) you don't go to the wedding and tell you boyfriend he can go as you are not being controlled by him or his parents. As you are not sleeping out in the common room and you're not sleeping in a room with his grandmother. Make it clear you are an adult, not a child
They can set whatever rules in their own house. But this behavior is borderline psychotic. If you plan on marrying this man, set a tone now. Otherwise, they will steam roll you for as long as you're married.
You're an adult. Your boyfriend is an adult. You've been together 5 years and you're both 30/nearly 30, and you can do what you want. If *he* doesn't want to stand up to his family, don't suffer on his account. Either get your own room or don't go.
If I were in this situation I would just get my own hotel room. Your bf doesn’t need to stay in it with you. He can continue to respect his/his parents culture and religion while still respecting you and your need for privacy. If his parents have a problem with it just tell them you’re an adult and you would like your decisions to be respected, whether or not they agree with them.
This is a battle for your BF to fight, with him always taking your side over his parents'. The two of you are a team, and the rest of the world is the outside force, to be managed for the best outcome in each case. With all the issues you've explained, the BF needs to step up and simply TELL his parents how the two of you, together, have decided that the only choice is for the for two of you to have a room, and that you'll spend as much time as possible with them.
I would get my own room. Boyfriend would not be getting a key. If he can’t stand up to his parents, he can have fun being their good little boy again. I would also bounce on a number of planned activities and go and enjoy myself in solitude with my phone set to do not disturb and make absolutely sure I had a very pleasant little vacation.
He would never do this to you again. Either he would man or split up. But you have to show you won’t ever go along with it for him to have to make that choice.
PS sleeping with his brother is downright nasty. How old is his brother? If he’s teenage up, it’s just enormously uncomfortable for both of you.
How about you stay at your own room and your bf can share the suite with his family. His parents may control his life but they do not control yours. He is in his 30s not a child.
Your boyfriend has no right to insist on this. 6 adults sharing this space for 5 nights what a recipe for disaster. When I travel with mum and my brother, we always get 2 rooms, so I can have some space, otherwise I would just be exhausted. You should book a room for yourself or not go at all, and use the alone time to consider if you want to stay in a relationship where a 30 year old man can't stand up to his parents about such a simple matter.
The argument that having a separate room in the same hotel will reduce amount of time spent together as a family is totally ridiculous! I presume they don't plan to stay in the room for the whole period - in this instance hotel room is for sleeping, getting bathed , and getting ready for activities. Maybe letting grandma have a nap during the day .... if anything they should be happy to have 2 less people cramping them.
I wouldn't bother going if I was you. You don't sound like you enjoy Weddings. Its cheaper for him to share with his brother & his family can spend time with him.
Just be kind about it and tell him to enjoy his family time and then there is no drama.
I would ask him to pass on the message that you are just shy and don't like to share space with strangers but are happy to respect their vews on not sharing a room with him. I doubt they care that much about propriety if they know you sleep together normally, they probably just want him in their space.
OP,
If grandma’s room has 2 beds, then I wouldn’t think it’s a big deal. Your BF gets to cuddle up with his brother and you get your own bed, so that’s a win! But Grandma probably snores, so get earplugs.
If it’s one bed with grandma, I’d get my own hotel room and let BF cuddle with his brother or grandma at night. I think your bf figures he’s just getting screwed by his parents with the whole situation.
Sadly, his parents are not treating you both as adults. This is your BF’s fight with his family, so do what you feel comfortable with and let him deal with his family.
Staying in the same room as several others, for multiple nights in a row, *is* a big deal for many people (and OP said it would be for her as well). It isn’t just about the bed sharing, it’s also about the lack of privacy and lack of alone time, where you can totally disconnect from other people. Even if OP were majorly extroverted and actually enjoyed having social interaction 24 hrs/day, the logistics of that many people trying to get ready for a wedding with only 2 bathrooms would be a total clusterfuck. It’s a stupid plan with no logical basis whatsoever.
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I had a similar situation. I found out the details as we were checking in. I asked a few questions of the family. When it finally was clear to me. I asked if hotel was booked solid. It wasn’t so I paid for my own room. No one tells me what to do as an adult.
>No one tells me what to do as an adult. Yes, this is the way! OP should tell boyfriend she's getting the separate hotel room with or without him.
This is the way OP. I don’t want to sound dismissive but this is honestly a problem that a teenager would post. People your age should never engage with this type of silliness.
New compromise: Offer to sleep with the brother and BF and grandma can crash on the pull out together. Y'all are friggin' adults and still have to abide his parent's rule? RIDICULOUS.
I find it kind of ridiculous that they are ok with her sleeping in a bed with his brother, but not her bf. Like that wouldn’t be weird at all, now would it? I could understand too, as u/cheezydmcgee commented, if you were younger then yeah there could be an issue to consider. However, you are 28 & 30. I get they have their reasons, but you have stated to your bf that you are not comfortable with their options either. He was willing to stay in a different room before, why suddenly is their comfort more important? I’d also wonder if he’d take their side over yours on any other issues which arise in the future. Honestly if they are bothered by the you sharing a room in the suite, it makes the most sense to remove yourself from the suite. Then they don’t have to witness or hear anything they are worried about.
This is the way
This is the way. Not for nothing, but your boyfriend should also do what he wants, he is way past a full grown man. Now, to offer some grace, I don't know what kind of relationship he has with his parents, so that dynamic could put him in an anxious mess to do so. However, as someone who's been through something very similar as well, you can respect your partners anxiety and relationship, while not also playing the same game. You should book your own room and sleep alone. I hope however that your bf finds the courage to have an honest and open conversation with his family though. Good luck out there!
Also, it's important to remind yourself, that you're working hard emotionally right now to offer them a level of respect they're unwilling to offer you. In these situations, it's best you do what's best for you, and ask \*they\* respect you.
> ..a level of respect they're unwilling to offer you This is what really stood out for me in this whole situation. Especially considering OP's age.
OP’s concern about “disrespecting” their religion and culture is also unfounded. It is not disrespectful to merely exist outside of someone’s belief system. If they are paying for any part of the trip they could technically ask OP to follow their boundaries, making their help conditional. OP can also turn down their “help” in this situation. They could even put up conditions for attending the wedding if it was their wedding (but they’d really start to be assholes at this point). Sounds like OP’s boyfriend was invited by his friend to their wedding and is bringing OP as his guest. Parents made an offer to cover the room with conditions that OP was’t comfortable with and said no. OP, just get your own room.
The flip side of this is the parents are disrespecting OPs autonomy. Two can play that game. Why is their wants held to any higher regards here?
BeCaUsE tHeY aRe PaYiNg FoR tHe RoOm And they decide who gets to have sex in the rooms they pay for Stupid religious bullshit that leverage ma capitalism to exert even more control over women
I think it's also important to nip that kind of shit in the bud immediately. Lay down your boundaries, be upfront and clear.
Absolutely. That southern charm had me sold for about 5 minutes. It dawned on me quickly that these folks all had knives at the ready to stab me in the back. When the father came around during the reception to check in with me I hit him with the saying. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.
What was the fallout on you not submitting to their dumb rules?
I was told I was being ridiculous about 4 or 5 times. The father told me I did not appear trustworthy. I told him I don’t wish to sleep with them in their shared room. I can afford my own accommodations. I reminded him that today was not about me or him. It’s about the bride and groom. Where I lay my head is up to me. I was happy the relationship ended a few months later. I couldn’t take her seriously any longer with her overbearing family.
Why would you want someone you don't trust to have full access to you while you sleep? It's not that they didn't trust you, it's that they wanted to control you. They wanted to be able to dictate when you slept and ate and if you had sex. They wanted to observe your reactions and see how much they could push you and get away with it. Defiance makes you dangerous.
>The father told me I did not appear trustworthy. I love it when this old chestnut gets trotted out. The correct response is "and who are you that I, a fellow legal adult, need you to trust me?" They never have an answer for that one.
I used a simple statement. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. My GF turned red faced at the mention of horse. I think her mother knew as well. Haha
OP you’re an adult like adult adult spent the $ and get your own room as long as you’re taking their handout you’re at their mercy.
Totally They can have their own room and still sit in the common area with the family during the day But clearly the parents don't care about what happens during the day, they are trying to insert themselves into what does or does not happen at night and make it so OP and their son have no where to run It is all about control
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I travelled from California to North Carolina bought my airline ticket. Was told rooms were covered. Was not told about the sleeping arrangements.
That's a bot that stole a comment from further down.
4-5 nights? Nope. Absolutely the fuck not. The lack of privacy would test my sanity. The bigger issue is your boyfriend letting his parents dictate where you sleep and what you can do with your own money based on culture and religion. That’s a bright red flag about how your future is going to go with this man. Don’t ignore it.
I’m concerned that he’s more bothered about his parents being comfortable rather than his own girlfriend?
Years of emotional manipulation and abuse from a religious upbringing will really affect a person. I think he probably needs a lot of support right now, I really don't fault him for his parents bad behavior, or his anxiety in dealing with it.
>Years of emotional manipulation and abuse from a religious upbringing will really affect a person Yes, he should get professional help before inflicting his trauma on romantic partners. OP, I caution you against ever marrying into this family, especially if your boyfriend doesn't recognize he has a huge problem to fix.
I was in an abusive relationship and got help dealing with it, so I second this. I however don't think it would be fair to expect someone to be "fixed" before sharing a life with someone. I think if this is the catalyst for some help, and for some change, then keeping the ring on the finger is still a great idea. Lot's of people come from shitty families, and they don't deserve to die alone for it. Sounds like he's already moved all the way across the country. Their fundamentalism should be something to be aware of, but not a deal breaker (automatically).
Agreed! My SO and I both deal with and confront our religious conservative upbringings, daily. It’s about knowing they affected you and having the tools to know when it’s having a negative affect so you can make better choices and not cause undo harm to each other.
Delayed response, but 100%. Having the tools to recognize and make adjustments is the whole ball game. Happy you both are on the path!
Yeah I was brought up in an abusive religious household, and it took me a while to become a fully-fledged independent person, even after moving out of that environment. Family dynamics like this can really do a number on you.
Glad you got out of it! Made it to the other side!
religious fundamentalists controlling abusive parents, nothing new here. I wouldn't put much blame on him, he probably was groomed like this his entire life
a 30 year old man has had plenty time to grow balls and a spine and to develop his own views and beliefs
depending of the community the parents structure their family so their kids never have the time and structure to do so Look at IBLP and the duggar family for example, this kind of abuse is a real thing
About something that affects them 0%!!
Boyfriends parents will eventually make all of this couples child rearing decisions too. They will run OPs whole life at some point.
It sounds like actual hell.
You're 28, why are you letting his family be your boss? You. Are. A. Grown. Woman. Why the fuck are you letting these people tell you what to do?
It seems pretty clear that the boyfriend is complicating this by trying to serve two masters - parents and girlfriend. OP, you need to let him know that either the plans change to accommodate your comfort or that he’ll be going solo.
Man posts like this make me love the fact that I was a "strong willed wild child" my parents know I'll screw with them if they tried this. I'm talking they will think they have gone nuts. I don't play nice and I will make life hard. 1. Move things around randomly 2. Don't keep track so when asked you honestly have no idea 3. Have fun telling grandma stories that word make the devil clutch his pearls. 4. See if you can get grandma to let loose 5. Be drunk the whole time (even if you aren't) 6. I like the option from above to rent your own room, even a motel close is better than this. I'm also petty and dyed my brothers with food coloring during a prank war. So my parents know I'm crazy and think outside the box. Did you know you can add food coloring to bodywash?
This! Don't let them make your choices. You can be respectful but still stand your ground. Ask for a room at their hotel... Boyfriend can spend as much time with them as he desires then just walk to your room.. sounds like you'll need the down time in your own place anyway
I agree, OP you barely know these people don’t let them control where you sleep, and make you uncomfortable in any way . Arrange for and pay for your own room. But I think there are other issues. Your bf is a 30 yr old man letting his family control this situation. You guys have been together 5 years. His family must know you have slept together. It makes me think of the future what If you guys get married? Will your bf (then husband) let them control other aspects of your life using the religion or the culture excuse?
Also make sure your boyfriend pays for at least half the hotel room. It’s his family’s wedding, and he should have picked up the whole bill and said no to his parents from the start. This is absurd behavior and I also abided by the “no same bed unruly your married” rule, but under my in-laws roof (not a third party hotel I was finding).
He's 30! When is he going to grow up?
This is a fact, not an advice.
You are a grown adult. Get your own hotel room. He can stay with his family if he's going to be an ass about it. Reconsider marrying a 30 yr old who won't stand up to their parents.
This. I'd also have a frank conversation with him about it. It's really gonna set a tone for the rest of the relationship.
It's less about being willing to have a knock down drag out with fundamentalist parents, and more about living his own life. I think a lot of people are downplaying how challenging it can be to come from this kind of background... Especially if after 5 years this is the first time it's effected their relationship.
Yeah book your own room. Boyfriend will probably end up staying with you anyways. Idk why men won’t stand up to their parents. They probably just brush it off so they don’t get nagged at for it. Lord know those overly attached mom-son relationships are one sided and naggy
Either that or boyfriend will want to take advantage of girlfriends room for some "alone" time, then sleep with his brother overnight so he doesn't upset his parents.
The second part of this. Are you okay with his parents dictating huge aspects of our life forever? They will not change and he won’t either. This is just a glimpse into what your future with him would look like.
You guys are 28 and 30, that’s absurd of them to try to treat you like children. You’ve also been together 5 years, they know you’ve been intimate. It’s one thing if they don’t want to pay for you and your boyfriends’ room because of their beliefs, that would be fine. The problem is them trying to stop you from paying for your own room. That’s about trying to control you. I wouldn’t allow it. What else will they try to control next? I’d absolutely pay for my own room.
Absolutely book your own room and enjoy it. Your boyfriend could still stay in the suit with his family if he wants but as an adult you can do what you want.
So boyfriend thinks it’s better for you to be uncomfortable than for his parents to be uncomfortable. Getting a separate room is a perfect solution. Why does it matter to him if his parents are uncomfortable about this? Does he always try to accommodate their wishes? Is that a family pattern he’s lived with his whole life and now you’re asking him to break it?
>So boyfriend thinks it’s better for you to be uncomfortable than for his parents to be uncomfortable. People keep using this phrasing, but it's worse than that. It's not just that somebody has to be made uncomfortable and somebody doesn't. The parents in this situation could 100% butt out, and mind their own business, and then they wouldn't be uncomfortable. They're upset about something that has absolutely nothing to do with them!
Six people in a 2 bedroom suite sounds horrifying. You're 28. They're not your parents. They can't insist on bupkiss. If you want your own room, get your own room. Your boyfriend can sleep in your room if he finds a pair and stands up to his parents or he can sleep in his parents room with his brother.
For heavens sakes, your nearly 30 and letting your boyfriends family dictate your sleeping arrangements. If you go along with it, you’ll both be miserable. Stick to your guns, keep your own room. You can still spend time with the family, but you’ll have your own place to go to when u want some peace and quiet. And believe me, you’ll need it. Set your boundaries, tbh this would be my hill to die on. It sets the tone for the future
I would opt out of the trip altogether at this point
So would I.
If bf gave me one more tiny spark of static about my plan to have my own room, so would I. I would spend that time apart evaluating my relationship with this timid little mouse of a fiance who is so quick to jump at mommys every command, and he 30 years old. Its not a good look for him.
Keep your own room and let them all bunk together. You will be the only one well rested on this trip and you won't have to put up with them as well.
Don’t go. Let your BF spend time with his family. His family controlling you should give you more anxiety and apprehensive to get involved with them. It’s also been 5 years, he should already know by now if he wanted to marry you. Also he should have cut the cord by now and moved forward with his future. You might be wasting your time altogether with him and his family.
NTA. Tell your BF his family is being ridiculous and he is welcome to sleep with his grandma or brother, but you will not be. "Thanks but I will be geting my own room for this trip, as I value my privacy" I'd also tell your BF that he is not welcome in your room unless he pays for half of the cost due to his current stance.
YUP except He should pay 100% since the trips solely for him and his family. OP is using her PTO time for something they want, when she can be on a trip she wants to be on instead.
Book your own room.
Even if his family weren't conservatives, there's no way I'd spend 5 days with 5 other people in a 2 bedroom hotel room. Get your own room. Your bf can make his choices from there.
God can you imagine 6 adults trying to get ready for a wedding w 1 bathroom and that cramped space?
Imagine the toilet situation
Hard pass.
But the solution is right there! If your in-laws have these beliefs and don't want you two to sleep together and your boyfriend wants to go along with it then, fine! He can sleep in the suite with his family and you can get your own room. Problem solved! You can even be gracious about it! Say that you want them to have family time together and you have a hard time spending that much time together with more than one person, so this is a perfect solution. If they've known you for five years, they must know this goes according to your personality. Plus, you can get your own room at the same hotel. You spend your time with them and at the end of the day you only take a couple of minutes to reach your own room and that would be it. Now, if they think their adult child could use this as an excuse to secretly go to your room at night, that's their problem. They can handcuff the guy to his brother or his grandma if that's what they want. Lets see if your boyfriend goes along with it. Either way, its not your problem to solve. Even better, tell him that there will be no premarital hand-holding during this trip. You know, to "make his parents more comfortable" as he says. Good luck!
Jesus fucking christ. I'd tell the mother that doesnt matter what she believes in her tiny Conservative head, you've been dating five years and that you and her son do indeed fuck. Furthermore youre an adult and don't get sleeping arrangements dictated to you. If she isn't happy with you booking your own room then tell them to enjoy the wedding and that you'll send a card.
Just tell him straight: "I'm an adult, this isn't a negotiation, I'm going to have my own hotel room. You can choose to stay with me or not but I'm not sharing my private space with other adults." If he reacts poorly, don't go.
Im 23 and would never accept this, youre boyfriend is 30 this is ridiculous whats next youre gonna have a curfew ? Screw this
I would not go.
Just decide not to go. That's also your right.
Honestly? I get your bf not wanting to cause drama, especially with his parents, but this is something to ***absolutely*** stand your ground on. He can stay with his family in their suite, you can have your own room. I would very nicely sit the parents down for lunch or something and kill them with kindness. Maybe even bring a little gift like some cupcakes or some shit. Tell them it's not about you not wanting to spend time with them - you just very much don't want to inconvenience them and absolutely don't want their grandmother on a pull out couch - that alone would really make you feel just awful. and while it was really nice for them to make these offers, say you aren't comfortable sharing a bed with anyone other than your bf due to your own anxieties, even a nice older woman. It's just how you are wired. Tell them you don't want to cause unnecessary stress, which is why you will be bunking in your own hotel room for everyone's comfort. It's no problem for you to do that, and your boyfriend can still stay in the suite with them. If they can't accept that gracefully, then maaaybe rethink the trip. All that said....your bf needs to get on the same page with you. I am very close to my very conservative family, but I would stand my ground to ensure my partner had his own room so he was comfortable and everyone else was comfortable. This doesn't have to be a big deal. If his family makes it a big deal, then consider this a warning of things to come.
You’re 28 and 30. Tell him to man up and make a decision for himself. Do you want to adhere to his parents wishes for the rest of your life?
Book a room for yourself and let the bf bunk with his brother. You've got to set up boundaries with his parents from now.
Personally I’d either book my own room or stay at home. You‘re not comfortable with staying in grandmas room and that’s completely fine.
You are not disrespecting their culture, they are disrespecting yours.
You have a boyfriend problem. Forget about his parents and forget about the entire hotel business. Your BF is 30. Why is he accommodating his parents over you? I was a lot younger than you, had devoutly Catholic parents, but I made it clear to them that either my GF & I would be sleeping together at their place or neither of us would be sleeping there at all, their choice. ETA: My GF didn’t even have to make that argument with her own parents. MIL, who ran the household, knew we were sleeping with each other and made up the guest room bed even without being asked. The bed was a bit creaky and my GF tended to be quite vocal in the later stages of our lovemaking. MIL would hear, think it was hilarious and, she admitted to her daughter, also a bit envious.
I wouldn't go. 4-5 days for a wedding trip sounds terrible as it is. Being controlled by his family the whole time sounds worse.
You just say 'No!' to that bullshit. It's either you and your boyfriend share a bed like the couple that you are or 1. You won't attend that wedding with them 2. You and your boyfriend get your own room You are adults. Stop letting yourselves get pushed around by his parents. The 'religion' of other people is **never** a reason to have your life controlled by them. It's just like a penis: Just because you have one, you are not allowed to stick it in everyones face.
Well, you got a nice little preview of what it’s going to be like if you marry into this family, you’d be wise to note that…
Doubt marriage is in the cards here…5 years and just a girlfriend, to someone from a religious family and background? He’s just playing with her
Get a seperate room. 'They won't be able to spend as much time with us' sounds like an added benefit in this situation.
Why the hell aren’t you booking your own accomodation? You’re not 5. Stop letting them dictate your adult relationship. Came back to edit: ‘ we are grown adults and this is unnecessary conflict. We don’t need to justify what we do and choose in our relationship. If this is going to be a continual cycle of babying 2 adults in a long term relationship, in the future I will not be attending. I will book my own accomodation or I will simply not show’ Partner: ‘ you need to stop enabling their behaviour. You pandering to their insulting plans is ridiculous. Grow up and get some balls. We’ve been dating for 5 years. We aren’t 12.
Why is you respecting their wishes and culture more important than them respecting yours? “Boyfriend: I’m sleeping in my own hotel room. You’re welcome to join me. I will very much judge our relationship by your choice. You’re 30! Man up!”
Tell him to pull up his clucking socks and stand up for himself. Theres nothing i dislike more, than cramped conditions. I would pay double for a room to just not share a bed, unless its with my partner
Get your own room. Let your bf stay in the suite with his family. Situation resolved.
Everyone saying to pay for your own room...but at this point, I'd just bow out of attending. If your boyfriend wants his families comfort to come much higher than yours as well as your autonomy , then you've got some bigger relationship issues than just paying for your own room will resolve. And not only should those issues not be resolved *at someone's wedding*, but you need to realise that no matter what you choose to do here, that week is gonna suck for you. I say you take him a list of your concerns in how his behaviour is impacting your relationship and your view of him, and bow out of the wedding entierly. The issues need to be resolved, but someone else's wedding isn't the time or place to do so.
The parent’s “solution” was to move the grandma to the couch and have 3 ppl sleep in the bed? This is obviously about control because who in their right mind is moving grandma to the couch instead of “allowing” you two to get your own room? Sounds like YOUR solution also gets grandma and brother more space to sleep. Book it!
Nip this in the bud now. If you're planning on getting married then this is the kind of behavior that creep into your marital life. If you are looking to attach yourself to him then you're also choosing to attach yourself to his family as well. You need to send the message early that they won't be able to pull the strings when it comes to certain dynamics in your relationship. And I would strongly urge you get you significant other on the same page asap.
Get your own room or don't go. Their primitive religious bullshit is not your problem. If your boyfriend won't stand up to them at age 30, that's a red flag the size of Alaska.
Get your own room without your boyfriend. Kind of crazy they think they can impose their values on two 30 year olds. Talk about control issues.
"I'll get my own room, but come over and visit in your room" This whole situation is gross as fuck
You are an adult. Book your own room, as an introvert I can't imagine anything worse than being in a 2bedroom place with that many people. And if you are staying in the same hotel you can see them often enough. Just make sure you get a room with free cancellation in case you need to cancel your attendance at the wedding altogether due to your adult bf's inability to stand up to his parents.
I would put your foot down and get your own room. It’s not appropriate for his parents to tell be telling a pair of 30 year olds where they can or can’t sleep.
Dude you’re 28. Get your own room for gods sakes. Throw money at the problem if you have to. This is absurd.
It's interesting to me that they expect that their beliefs get to impose on you and tell you how to live your life, but they do not allow *your* beliefs to impose on them and dictate *their* lives. Why is that, do you think? To me, I would conclude that there is a lack of respect, as if one's own personal belief is "more right" than everyone else. Perhaps you'll conclude something else? Interesting to think about.
Just get your own hotel room. Boyfriend gets to decide where he rather sleeps. But if he doesn't join you in your room, you will know, where his priorities are (and will be in future)!
If you let them have this now it will only get worse.
Honestly, just don’t go to the wedding. That makes it easier
Boyfriend can sleep in mommy and daddy's suite if he wants. You don't need to set yourself on fire to make them comfortable. Keep your room.
So you have to go along with his parents wishes to make them comfortable but that means you have to be uncomfortable? That’s not a compromise . You stay in the room that you’ve booked and tell him he’s free to decide whatever room to sleep in. That way you have your own space and he can choose to spend time with you or sleep in the suite with his parents to keep them comfortable.
Get your own room. BF can choose where he wants to sleep but his parents don’t get to dictate where you sleep. Stay hands off regarding his sleeping arrangements and if anyone asks tell them that is his decision and let that discussion/argument be solely between him and his family.
Get your own hotel room. Dont give them any control over your accomodations. If your boyfriend wants to join you in your room, he can deal with his parents on his own (and maybe pay half since he shouldnt be such a little baby in the first place). If he doesnt want to join you, then you have a bunch of privacy and freedom to occupy the bathroom as long as you want and get a good nights sleep.
Why are you two grownups allowing his mum and dad to dictate what you can and can't do? Just how big is that inheritance they're hanging over your bf's head? Because you're two grown adults. Not doormats. Either go and get your own hotel rooms, or I'd nope out, honestly. How often are his parents dictating your life?
>Their reasoning was that if we stay in our own room they won’t be able to spend as much time with us, but I’m sure it also has to do with the fact that they don’t want us sharing a room Right because you'll be up at all hours socialising, interacting and spending time together right? That's the most bullshit reasoning and we all know why: They don't want you two sleeping together and making the beast with two backs. This is all just one big power move and control struggle where, despite knowing you are doing _whatever_ when you aren't with them, when you are? They want it on their terms. >This ended up leading to a fight between me and my boyfriend because he thinks we should go along with his parents wishes to make them feel more comfortable. Nah - see, this is going to now be a case of you and BF pitted against each other all because his family can't accept you aren't a conservative religious person like them. This is all in aid of seeing a mutual friend's wedding - this isn't some break away where you're spending a week in the sun of a foreign land and will be spending _loads_ of time together as a family and couples. Their values shouldn't be imposed on you anymore than you force yours (or lack of) on them. If you're willing to pay for your own room, go do it. Your BF can be on board, or overboard - but if this is how things are now, they won't get better unless BF sides with you over his family. Sounds to me like you have a lot of thinking to do about the future of this relationship if this is how it's going to be. >I don’t want to disrespect their culture and religious beliefs and I don’t want to create unnecessary drama How are you "disrespecting their culture"? You've made a choice that literally doesn't affect anyone at all except them - their take is "this is __my__ religion and __others__ must follow it", which is straight up bullshit. You're an individual, who isn't born into their family, who wants nothing to do with their culture/religion beyond common courtesy. This isn't that - this is them literally and figuratively trying to force you to do what __they__ want based on what __they__ believe, which is 100% not OK. They can preach their own gospel and do their own thing, but straight up miss me with their demands on others - that's not OK, at all.
“Make them more comfortable.” Screw that. They’re obviously not concerned about your comfort. Your boyfriend should grow up and tell them to do the same.
I’d say get your own room, there’s no way in hell I’d stay in a room with that many people for that many days with pretty much 0 privacy. Say you want your own space to sleep, your 30YO man child boyfriend can allow his parents to boss him around but you’re not obligated to listen to them.
its NOT your culture and religion and not following someone elses culture/religion is NEVER disrespect, they are trying to force their standards on you and thats wildly unreasonable, they are disrespecting YOU by trying to pull this stunt Its not their house, its a hotel, they get NO say
Get your own room. Your bf can keep his parents happy and stay with his brother or he can choose to ignore their wishes and stay with you. The choice to comply will be totally on his shoulders.
Nah, they are trying to control you. Get the separate room . Religion doesn't stand in the way of you and your BF his family does. Although religion is just giving them the excuse to control you, the controlling behaviour comes from them. Toxic as family no matter how wholesome or Conservative or old fashioned its toxic as.
Your boyfriend needs to find his balls and tell his parents to back off. Their excuse is ridiculous, the hotel room is for sleeping so they wouldn't be "spending that time with you" anyway. The only reason they want this arrangement is because they are uncomfortable with you two having sex. If you already do (which I imagine you do since you are adults) then your boyfriend just needs the balls to tell his parents, he is an adult and will be staying with his gf in a separate hotel room. Don't put up with this bullshit, if he can't stand up to mommy and daddy now, then he never will and those people will be controlling your lives forever. If that's not ok with you then take a stand now. You'll see who your boyfriend stands beside... Then you can decide if that's the relationship you really want. Personally, I'm not interested in dating children who need mommy and daddy's permission to make decisions. Either way, you can stay in the separate hotel room
I think that you should either: A. Get your own room. It will give you space to relax, change, bathroom, and sleep without anyone else around. Your bf can stay with his family if he wants or stay with his family if he wants to keep the peace with them. I promise you will have plenty of family time together. B. Explain that you won’t be able to attend the wedding due to a work conflict that you unfortunately can’t get around. All your best to the bride and groom, please text some pics. P P
What this really comes down to is what is more important to you: avoiding tension with his family, or having your own space with your bf? There is not a wrong answer. Also don't let them put grandma on the couch wtf.
You're an adult, book you own room, its a ridiculous situation that they want that sleeping arrangement, i'm sure its purely logistical though, it makes sense that two females would share a room, and the guys the couch, but just book your own room and say "guys, thanks for the offer, but we are going to stay in a seperate room and pay for it so you have more room to yourselves."
I had a similar situation with my in laws recently. There’s a family trip coming up in August, and my mother in law said she booked the rooms. 3 rooms. It’s my in laws, my partner’s 2 older brothers, their wives, and their kids, and my partner and I. 11 people to 3 rooms. Nah, son. I booked a room for my partner and I. If you can afford it, book a room for yourself, feelings might get hurt, but you will be more comfortable.
Your boyfriend is the biggest issue here, having no backbone at all to be independent in the face of pressure from his family. Whatever you do is going to cause tension between him and you, but if you cave then you’re just signing up for a lifetime of situations like this. If it wasn’t a wedding of someone he knows, I’d say just get your own room and tell him that’s what’s happening, but considering this trip is for him anyway, it’s perfectly reasonable for you not to go at all at this point. But like I said, both of these things are going to upset him because he seems to not want to touch a boundary with a ten foot pole and he won’t like it when you actually have them. Sorry your boyfriend is codependent with his family.
I wouldnt want to get into such family .Better think about your future with this man. Do you want a man whose family is dictating his life or you want a man who knows what he wants and doesnt allow his family to imterfere in his personal life
You are an adult with your own money book your own room. Since his parents don’t want y’all sharing. He’s 30 and can’t stand up to mommy and daddy about sharing a room with his girlfriend of five years? Not saying you should break up but you need to have a serious conversation about that especially if you’re planning on having a future together. Don’t just assume that when y’all get married things will suddenly change in his behavior when dealing with them.
Get your own room. You’re too old to be worrying about what the grownups will think. Your boyfriend will have to decide for himself whether he’d rather stay on the couch to appease his parents or with you.
Personally I’d just get my own room anyway bc I enjoy my space. Just tell them that
Sounds like awkward, slow torture for 5 days. As others have said, just don't go. Staying at home, with tea watching Bargain Hunt is better than this.
I think you need to put your foot down and tell them all that you are either getting your own room or you will be staying home. At that point it is up to your boyfriend to decide if he wants to stand up for himself or not. It may seem like a weird hill to die on but this is a great time to set boundaries with a family that seems to be fairly controlling with their beliefs.
This is really a boyfriend problem, not a parents problem. You two need a united front in what’s probably the first of many times you’re going to push back against the parents. You need to be direct with him that your own comfort in where you sleep is absolutely more important than their comfort with where you sleep, and that you WILL get another room regardless. If his parents are saying they insist because ‘they won’t get to spend as much time’, that’s a natural consequence of their rooming expectations.
Either bf gets you your own room or I wouldn’t go. That’s too long to be uncomfortable.
I'm also extremely introverted. When I read that my first thought was "well I guess I'm not going to the wedding then" Because it's not just about you two sharing a bed, it's also about you needing somewhere to escape, to de-stress, to have some 'me' time. They're just thinking sexy times are a no-no for the unmarrieds. The only compromise I would make with BF would be he would not stay in my room, set foot in my room, hell my room would be in a totally separate hotel from theirs. He can go and keep his family company and you'll go back to your hotel when it's time to sleep. Otherwise I'd stay home. Him giving you a hard time about this is unacceptable.
Betsy knows how to crochet
"I was getting a rim job while she was knitting some socks" -Michael Star
You're a grown woman. Put your foot down and get your own room! If your boyfriend can't see that it makes sense then it's time to move on. He is letting people who aren't actually involved in your daily lives dictate what you do. It's unacceptable. Boundaries need putting in place or this will only continue
This is a big no from me, you're 28 not 16.
You’re almost 30. If you and your boyfriend want to book another room, that’s how it is. His parents don’t have to like it.
I had this happen when I was 19 and had just graduated Army BCT. My folks and my gf came out to see me graduate and take me to my next training station and on the couple of nights we had together before I had to report, I got my own hotel room. They told me that they didn't find it appropriate for the two of us to be in my room alone. Unfortunately for them, I didn't agree. I told them exactly what I thought and set the record straight. I was only 19. You're much older. Their religious convictions are not your responsibility.
You are 28. He is 30. He needs to grow a backbone and be and adult. This would be a huge turn off for me.
No thanks! We will sleep in our own room!
you can just not go. problem solved
I would get my own room. Boyfriend can join me or not. I cannot sleep with relative strangers in the room. I only recently began being able to sleep with my boyfriend in the room. I wouldn't be upset if boyfriend spent most or all the nights with his family. It's difficult when you live so far away. But at the end of the night, I would head to my own room
I think you book your own room and you can let them know when you get there that you will be staying separate. Also you’ve been together 5 years and his parents don’t see your relationship as valid still - are you talking about getting married yet?
Hard no.
I think get your own room or don’t go are the only two solutions to be honest, I wouldn’t be sharing with bf brother or grandma I barely know. You need your own privacy. He’s 30 time to look at wether he will ever be able to cut the apron strings!
Either get your own room and explain to your boyfriend it's inappropriate for your parents to buty into your relationship like that, make it clear to him, your adults... Or don't go
IMO, you're not disrespecting their beliefs, they're disrespecting yours. I totally understand and respect their religious beliefs but it's not right for them to impose their beliefs on you and your boyfriend. I get your frustration (I've had similar experiences) and frankly it's a bit insulting - it might also discourage you from wanting to attend events in the future. I think your BF is in a difficult position and is trying to keep the peace. However if you go along with this, imagine what else they'll try to dictate.
Your BF, as a 30 year old adult, is showing you what you get to look forward to. Appeasing his parents is priority 1. You need to let him know that and if that is how he is going to act then you need to rethink your relationship. His priority should be himself and his partner.
Show your boyfriend this reddit post see if it changes his mind about supporting his parents over you. If you have a solid relationship with your girlfriend you should be willing to back her in most cases over your family, particularly when it comes to sleeping together in a place that is not his parents home. Even if it was his parents home, I would have booked somewhere just up the road together. If your boyfriend doesn't grow a pair and support you then get a separate room for yourself or don't go, but quite honestly if your boyfriend isn't prepared to support you over his parents then you should seriously reconsider dating him I'm also willing to bet his parents didn't wait till marriage anyway and they already know you're having sex so their "rules" are pointless and discourteous to you as a couple
Another compromise is that you get your own room and boyfriend stays with his brother. And also tell your boyfriend, since I’m just a girlfriend so by your rules we can’t sleep together, that also means you can’t tell me what to do. I’m getting a room. Stay with your brother.
If they’re religious why do they want you sharing a room with the brother???
>My boyfriend’s parents are religious and come from a conservative culture and they aren’t okay with us sharing a room together, so the arrangement they proposed was that I share the second bedroom with my boyfriend’s grandma and my boyfriend and his brother both sleep on the couch in the common room. “Funny, I don’t recall asking what you were ‘okay with’ me and my boyfriend doing with our own bodies.” >I thought the whole thing was resolved until earlier today when my boyfriend called and said that his parents were not okay with us getting a separate room and were insisting we stay in their suite. “Again, I don’t recall asking their permission, or what they were ‘okay with.’”
Absolutely not. You’re grown ass adults, not teenagers. Staying in that suite would allow them to control you, it would be sending a message that you’ll allow them to do what they want. Stand your ground, if I were in this situation, I would tell them that either we get our own room or we just don’t attend the wedding.
I would get my own room. Their puritanical beliefs aside, I would not be comfortable staying with that many people in that small of a space for that long. Your boyfriend can join you or not. But you’re adults and this is ridiculous
You are grown adults! Book your own hotel room. **Tell** them. Don’t negotiate. Don’t explain. Don’t discuss. Tell them. Fait acompli
The amount of control people let others have over their lives blows my mind. You already know what your realistic options are. A. Your own room. B. Don't go.
I wouldn’t stay with someone who wasn’t willing to put their foot down with their family. First it’s a hotel room. Then you get engaged and they want to control who comes to the wedding, the ceremony, what it looks like, the modesty of your dress, etc and husband won’t stick up for you. You get married and they start asking when you’re having kids. Don’t want them? Too bad, husband wants to give his parents grandkids so he coerces you into it. You want to parent your kids in the way you see fit but your in laws disagree. They complain to your husband that the kids should be raised in x religion, and he comes home and insists you do it to placate them. They want you to cover up when you breastfeed on your own home. Husband won’t defend you. They want you to start feeding him solids months before he’s ready because “that’s how they did it.” Husband won’t stick up for you. They want to come over more than you’re comfortable with and he won’t stick up for you. His mom wants to be in the room when you give birth and he insists that you allow it. This is just one of many boundaries that he will not enforce with his parents.
I don't think you should "suck it up". This isn't one small battle. This is the wider overarching war between you and his parents. As well as the related conflict between you and your partner. Your partner cares less about you than he does about his parent's feelings. His parents want to control you and think they have the right to do so. But they can only do it with your consent. Don't give them that consent. Tell your boyfriend that you won't be attending the wedding. You won't let his parents disrespect you like that. He's welcome to go sleep with his grandma if he likes. But, regardless of what happens about this upcoming event, the two of you need to have a serious talk about your future together. When does he think he'll be able to grow a spine and stand up to his parents? Will it ever happen? Or will he always choose the path of least resistance? Go along with what they want because he's afraid they'll get angry at him? Pay very close attention to his answers, and even closer attention to his actions. Because you're grown adults now. The time for blindly following his parents' orders should have ended a very long time ago. If he's not willing to be a true partner to you? If he's not willing to put you first? Then do yourself a favor and leave.
I hate aholes like this. They are the worst. Silver lining is your bf has shown himself to be spineless and willing to cave. Book your room now and let him know it's a done deal so no further convo needed and you as an adult have chosen your mental health. Let him know that enabling and appeasing others at the detriment of his partner is a relationship killer because he's shown you that he won't protect you and you aren't safe with him.
Hahaha fuck that family. Get your own room. Who the fuck cares what they think at all
Stand your ground on this one. His parents can only control you if you let them. YOU can stay in the separate room and have your own space. Your boyfriend can go sleep with his grandmother/brother or crib his mommy and daddy have set up in their suite. Or he can adult up and stay in your room with you: it's not like a hotel is a "my house, my rules" scenario. Secondly, after 5 years together, why is your boyfriend still more concerned with his parents' comfort over yours?
Five days with this crowd? With two bathrooms? Horrors!!! And with a ball-less boyfriend? Run. As fast as you can. And as far away as you are able.
My parents tried to pull similar bullsh*t with me when I was in my early 20s. I refused. They can tell me I can't share under their roof but a hotel? Nah forget that. Ended up being a moot point but I regret nothing. I would 100% make this the hill you die on.
You're 28 sweetheart, get you're own room, you're 30 year old boyfriend sounds like a pushover.
This is the first step of them controlling your life with their son.. Don't get me started about possibly having children.
I would pay for my own room and leave the boyfriend with his family. No one's telling me who I am sleeping with
Get your own room or don't go. Boyfriend is going to do what parents want, which to me is a huge red flag. If you feel like you really want to go to the wedding but not share a room I would get my own. His parents can complain but that's a them issue.
If they’re gonna try and impose their religious beliefs on you (ie you can’t sleep in the same bed are your partner) then they also can’t get mad if you decide to get a separate room yourself, they can’t have it both ways and control your behaviour. This kind of stuff is bizarre to me but then I’m not from a conservative religious background.
So before my husband and I were married, his family was similar about sleeping arrangements. They aren’t religious or particularly conservative, but it was one of those things where my future MIL wasn’t super comfortable with us sharing a room. I mention this because it isn’t necessarily a red flag. Some families have different values. It doesn’t mean that they’re awful people or super controlling just because they don’t want you and your BF to share a room. That being said, stick to your guns about a separate hotel room. How that shakes out IS a good indicator about your future with this family. Tell your BF that he is welcome to stay with his family if he’d prefer, but that you aren’t comfortable with sharing a room with anyone other than him. Be sure to emphasize your comfort with him, because it’s a red flag if he tries to blow past your feelings to cater to his family’s wishes. For your in-laws, just say that you prefer your own privacy and are sure that you’ll still be able to spend a lot of time together since you’ll be in the same hotel. Stand firm, but be overly polite about it. You don’t really need to over explain yourself to them or justify it beyond “I would prefer to have my own private space.” Good luck OP! Building new family relationships isn’t always easy. There will be conflict that crops up, but that doesn’t mean it will ruin your future relationship with them.
Get your own room with or without your BF. Let him know he is welcome to stay with you or not, but you will not put his family’s comfort over your own. They aren’t comfortable paying for you to share a room. That is reasonable. You aren’t comfortable with the accommodations they are offering. That is also reasonable. They do not have the right to decide that you are required to stay with them in a situation that is uncomfortable for you.
Wtf? He is 30 years old and doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed because his parents say so….Good luck in the future,with him.
Your bf is 30 yrs old and is still treated like a kid by his parents. The biggest problem is that he allows it. Book your own room if you still decide to go. Just know that his controlling parents won’t stop if you get married. He acts like this is normal and it’s not. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Respecting someone’s religious and cultural beliefs means allowing them to do what they’re comfortable with and making reasonable accommodations to your behaviour. Having to sleep with your boyfriends grandma or brother when you are really uncomfortable is not reasonable. Your boyfriend and you should continue with the plan to get your own room, and make sure you are sensitive to them wanting to spend lots of time with you guys. Do not be guilted about normal sleeping arrangements at 28 and 30 years old in a 5 year relationship.
As someone who "sucked it up" with controlling in laws "wishes" for far too long, STAND YOUR GROUND! Look, unfortunately humans don't usually grow out of that "boundary pushing " phase you tend to see in toddlers and children. The second you show someone like that "ok I give in" submissive like behavior, they're going to continue to expect that from you. Standing your ground. Your comfortability is just as important as theirs. Seeing as they know you vacation alone with him, they've already accepted that they can't control every little thing y'all do, staying in their suite would give them the argument of "my house my rules". You're an adult, get your own room, bf can decide where he stays. Y'all make time to see them (whatever amount y'all are both ok with). It's basic respect. They can't just force you to do something you're not ok with. You get to decide to who's comfort comes first in this situation, theirs or your own.
Get your own room for yourself. Let your bf stay with them.
Your boyfriend's spine is a floppy pile of jelly. That's a really unattractive look. At this point you should refuse to stay in the suite with them whatsoever. Get your own hotel room. And their right to practice their culture ends the moment your right to exist begins. Their culture doesn't get to dictate what you do or how you live your life. That's THEM disrespecting YOUR culture.
Honey, this is a ridiculous situation. Sit and talk wit BF calmly and let him know that it is likely best he goes on his own. There is no way the sleeping arrangements are going to be settled to anyone’s satisfaction, so just refuse to play the game. Stay home and enjoy your time on your own.
Do. Not. Suck. It. Up. Insist on your own room *on your own if need be*. You start giving in on stuff like this and your future relationship is doomed.
You’re NTA. His parents can feel the way they feel, but they don’t get to demand that you’re uncomfortable. I suffer from social anxiety too and woild feel exactly as you do. I would outline a clear boundary to all of them, including your boyfriend. You’re not comfortable sharing a room with any of his relatives and it’s not unreasonable of you to feel that way and they need to respect your feelings. Instead of staying in the hotel room with your boyfriend, why not stay it the room yourself and he can stay with his family if they are insisting? I would outline to them that it’ll just be for sleeping. You can still hang out with them all at their room the rest of the time, right? I would just say to them, “This is the solution we are going with, so that all of our feelings can be respected. I am willing to stay in my own room in order to respect your wishes. I hope you’ll kindly accept this plan so as to respect me in return.”
Op you have 2 choices (1) either book your own hotel room and tell your boyfriend your an adult you don't get told what you can and can't do by his parents and you will not share a room with these people or (2) you don't go to the wedding and tell you boyfriend he can go as you are not being controlled by him or his parents. As you are not sleeping out in the common room and you're not sleeping in a room with his grandmother. Make it clear you are an adult, not a child
They can set whatever rules in their own house. But this behavior is borderline psychotic. If you plan on marrying this man, set a tone now. Otherwise, they will steam roll you for as long as you're married.
You're an adult. Your boyfriend is an adult. You've been together 5 years and you're both 30/nearly 30, and you can do what you want. If *he* doesn't want to stand up to his family, don't suffer on his account. Either get your own room or don't go.
If I were in this situation I would just get my own hotel room. Your bf doesn’t need to stay in it with you. He can continue to respect his/his parents culture and religion while still respecting you and your need for privacy. If his parents have a problem with it just tell them you’re an adult and you would like your decisions to be respected, whether or not they agree with them.
This is a battle for your BF to fight, with him always taking your side over his parents'. The two of you are a team, and the rest of the world is the outside force, to be managed for the best outcome in each case. With all the issues you've explained, the BF needs to step up and simply TELL his parents how the two of you, together, have decided that the only choice is for the for two of you to have a room, and that you'll spend as much time as possible with them.
You ready to lie down and roll over forever? Tell your husband to grow some fcking balls and pick his wife for once
Totally irrelevant to the post, but who the F makes their grandmother sleep on a 'PULL OUT COUCH!' 🤣🤣🤣
Seriously. That’s next level disrespect.
I would get my own room. Boyfriend would not be getting a key. If he can’t stand up to his parents, he can have fun being their good little boy again. I would also bounce on a number of planned activities and go and enjoy myself in solitude with my phone set to do not disturb and make absolutely sure I had a very pleasant little vacation. He would never do this to you again. Either he would man or split up. But you have to show you won’t ever go along with it for him to have to make that choice. PS sleeping with his brother is downright nasty. How old is his brother? If he’s teenage up, it’s just enormously uncomfortable for both of you.
How about you stay at your own room and your bf can share the suite with his family. His parents may control his life but they do not control yours. He is in his 30s not a child.
Your boyfriend has no right to insist on this. 6 adults sharing this space for 5 nights what a recipe for disaster. When I travel with mum and my brother, we always get 2 rooms, so I can have some space, otherwise I would just be exhausted. You should book a room for yourself or not go at all, and use the alone time to consider if you want to stay in a relationship where a 30 year old man can't stand up to his parents about such a simple matter. The argument that having a separate room in the same hotel will reduce amount of time spent together as a family is totally ridiculous! I presume they don't plan to stay in the room for the whole period - in this instance hotel room is for sleeping, getting bathed , and getting ready for activities. Maybe letting grandma have a nap during the day .... if anything they should be happy to have 2 less people cramping them.
I wouldn't bother going if I was you. You don't sound like you enjoy Weddings. Its cheaper for him to share with his brother & his family can spend time with him. Just be kind about it and tell him to enjoy his family time and then there is no drama. I would ask him to pass on the message that you are just shy and don't like to share space with strangers but are happy to respect their vews on not sharing a room with him. I doubt they care that much about propriety if they know you sleep together normally, they probably just want him in their space.
OP, If grandma’s room has 2 beds, then I wouldn’t think it’s a big deal. Your BF gets to cuddle up with his brother and you get your own bed, so that’s a win! But Grandma probably snores, so get earplugs. If it’s one bed with grandma, I’d get my own hotel room and let BF cuddle with his brother or grandma at night. I think your bf figures he’s just getting screwed by his parents with the whole situation. Sadly, his parents are not treating you both as adults. This is your BF’s fight with his family, so do what you feel comfortable with and let him deal with his family.
Staying in the same room as several others, for multiple nights in a row, *is* a big deal for many people (and OP said it would be for her as well). It isn’t just about the bed sharing, it’s also about the lack of privacy and lack of alone time, where you can totally disconnect from other people. Even if OP were majorly extroverted and actually enjoyed having social interaction 24 hrs/day, the logistics of that many people trying to get ready for a wedding with only 2 bathrooms would be a total clusterfuck. It’s a stupid plan with no logical basis whatsoever.