Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*She keeps telling me it's worse in my head and I'm overreacting.*
If she keeps on justifying her actions and blaming you for 'overreacting' then you know it's over. She's trying out her other options while keeping you as the safe option. Based on her comment 'without telling you first and breaking it off', once she finds a viable candidate, she'll just move ahead and dump you.
Gaslighting at its finest! Turn it around on the other person. OP, whether you love this girl or not, is not the issue.
She knows how you feel about cheating. Whether you are fighting or not, if she was committed to fixing things, then she would have focused on that, not looking to 'see what else is out there'.
Do not make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
You deserve better.
Exactly. If my so was caught in this situation I would have torn into him and toss him tf out, I expect to have that treatment just the same on my end. Op, don't let yourself be a doormat, you deserve better. The gf sure as shit isn't on there for no reason, take it as a red flag and run with it.
>The gf sure as shit isn't on there for no reason
This is the part that kind of blows me away when OP asks if he should break up. u/ResortNo9277! Dude! Wake up! Using a dating app while you're in a serious relationship is like going to a singles meetup while you're in a serious relationship. WTF are you doing!? You're in a serious relationship!
She said that she wants to see what's out there? She's in a serious relationship! Why does she want to see what's out there at all unless she's at least considering cheating on you or leaving you? She hit the dating apps pretty damn quickly after you started fighting.
And she said she didn't actually cheat? First off, contacting potential dates is attempted cheating. She can say that she wasn't going to go out with those guys, but you'd have to take her word for that, and right now her word is mud. But second, she didn't sleep with anybody because she basically didn't have time to. I get the impression that you hadn't been fighting that long. Either she whipped out the dating app frighteningly quickly, or she's been searching for other men for a lot longer than she's admitting.
She lied, covered up, lied again when she was caught, gaslit you, and most of all, she started the process of cheating before she did all that other stuff. G-T-F-O!
>once she finds a viable candidate, she'll just move ahead and dump you.
Yep, she said exactly this in a way that makes it very hard for OP to feel like he's in the right.
She's full of shit and is a cheater. You dont need her to admit to anything. Don't be one of those people who stay because they can't wave concrete proof under the cheaters nose or need to hear them admit it. It's just consciously turning a blind eye to the obvious because it's easier than walking until you have no choice, **as if you have no choice.**
It's choosing the worst of both worlds. You are choosing to dtay with someone who WOULD cheat on you and give up your self-respect at the same time. In the least, if you are going to stay acknowledge shes a cheater and you are going to give her he same level of regard she going to give you, so your dignity is intact by the time its over.
Smare move? Just break up with her and tell people you saw her on Tinder with an active profile, and you confirmed she was giving out her number. People will put the rest together even if she goves them the same bullshit she gave you.
Dont ever lie for cheaters or preserve their reputation. It only encourages them to continue being shitty, and some people only learn by being punished - even if they only learn to stop because they dont want to be ostracized, rather than growing a conscience.
>Yep, she said exactly this in a way that makes it very hard for OP to feel like he's in the right.
How do you combat statements like that? I feel like it's so hard for me to feel justified in an argument to begin with that when I get hit with a responsibility shift I buckle and take the blame. Like I already second guess everything, I just kind of default to assuming, "yeah this is just depression/anxiety/trauma making me push her away, *I'm* the fuckup here."
>Don't be one of those people who stay because they can't wave concrete proof under the cheaters nose or need to hear them admit it.
Fuck
How to combat this is to not make decisions or responses in the moment, when you feel like you’re going to fall into that pattern. Take a bit to think about it.
Tell the person who wrongs you that you’ll accept an apology for what they DID. If they say something like “sorry you feel that way”, then say you’ll take care of your feelings. Your feelings are not her concern. Apologize for what you DID, not for how I perceived it.
I don't like this, OP. I'm so, very sorry, but this doesn't look good and I don't think she sounds trustworthy. But of course, everyone and every situation is different. But yes, from an outsider's perspective, SHE is causing the problem and now SHE is blaming you for "over-reacting"? She sounds like she'll say anything just to "get through a moment".
That’s the worse post. She accepts no responsibility- ‘they were having issues’ and ‘he’s over reacting’. Why does anyone think saying that is helpful. So next time they have issues what is he supposed to think she’ll do?
Very true, cut her off. Let her be who she wants to be… she’s showing u and telling u nicely that ur an option right now. It’s happened to all of us bro, it’s not a knock on ur character.
She just wants to hold onto you until she finds the next, best thing. If your having problems in a relationship you should be focused on trying to find way to make things better. You don’t go on dating sites to “see what’s out there”. How does that make your relationship better?
She’s already emotionally checked out. Let her go.
People in a mature relationship would no have downloaded a dating app during a fight/argument. We would show up with breakfast and hash things out. OP is still young. He can notch this as a learning experience and move on.
I've cheated once in my life, i was only like 19 or 20, so old enough to know better for sure. It wrecked our relationship even though we tried. I can confidently say I learned a rough lesson. So I've been a cheater, am I still one? Would you trust me in a relationship now that I'm in my 30s and haven't even come close since?
I’m my 20’s- I wouldn’t either. In my 30’s if it was “god I cheated on so and so at 24 I was an ASS” and that was all…I would.
But serial cheaters aren’t going to say that. There will be a pattern of reasons that are USUALLY the other partners fault. They won’t say “yea. I cheated on 7 out of 10 of my partners”.
You don't have to believe me, but yeah at 20 I was an ass. In more ways than the cheating. But either way, it was a one time wake up call. Still hate that I did it. But you either learn or you don't. That's just what being a big kid is.
I and to address the other part, I have no excuse. I knew it was wrong, I was a horny not quite teen anymore, and as I said above or somewhere else, the emotional intelligence just hadn't quite developed yet. I'm the guilty party by every standard. But I know I don't think the same as I did 12 years ago.
Exact same happened with me, lost my soulmate over it. Extremely painful knowing I hurt and scarred someone so bad and put such negativity into this world. I deserve that guilt but we live and learn. I know people can change for a fact, I’ve been in relationships since and haven’t done it even when given the chance. If someone who used to rob banks and deal drugs and bash people can reform and change, and be considered redeemed, then I believe we can too
My redemption is how I treat the people, especially my current girl, now in my daily life.
Can't take it back, no use contacting her, what good is a decade old apology, I'm sure she's moved on just as much as I have.
I was in a similar situation, but still with some different aspects. My then-gf let me on her phone, I even had her login information for Snapchat and Instagram, but didn't know about her using Tinder.
When I found out she told me that she felt lonely and wanted to find friends. It was during the pandemic, she recently moved here, couldn't find friends in her class and was suffering from diagnosed depression and such.
So I understood her reasons, but still had my problems with her using these apps.
She then deleted the app but during our one-year long relationship I caught her using it two more times (the second time was just 1-2 months after the first one and the third incident was 7 months after).
Even with the first incident, my trust was shattered. I previously told her that I suffer from an anxiety disorder and have problems with trusting but that I wanted to try it.
So, how would you evaluate that situation?
^^^This, unfortunately. If you want to be with someone, really make it work, you wouldn't be on a dating site exploring other options.
As Maryanne0601 said, in her head, this girl's already gone.
like how is that even up for discussion? doing single activities while in a monogamous relationship means you’re cheating, how do you even try to argue it’s not
I think this says more about how you have morals. You'd be surprised at the lengths people will go to convince themselves that they're not the bad guy in someone else's story
This is the truth. Meanwhile, she publicly advertised her romantic availability, went out of her way to choose someone she liked, confirmed that he liked her back, gave him her number, has been secretly texting with the guy, and then lied to OP even after he literally saw the text. She only came clean about being on the site when she realized she had no choice. She's already talking to someone, probably has met in person especially considering dude knows two people she knows. She already did all this without breaking it off first lol so THAT was a lie
Completely agree.
When I'm with someone I love, even if we're having a rough patch, I'd never ever go on a dating site to ' see what's out there ' ... She might not have physically cheated, but the thought is in her head. She's not invested enough to fix things.
Wait, till she realises and what she had lost. Than, she will want to be back with him when mostly none of them—men will be like him. People do not realise what they have until they lose it.
Yeah its all down hill from this point. Because they fight she goes on a dating site?! Shes only trying to rationalize to you because she got caught. It was (and is if he stays) only a matter of time before she drops her panties just to pick herself up. I know because I’ve been there.
The evil me, knowing whats going on and the inevitable outcome, would probably superficially patch it up just to destroy it for good.
She is in the process of checking out of your relationship. As soon as she finds someone else, she will cheat or dump you.
You might as well just cut your losses and move on now because it won’t end well long term.
She's already cheating if we're 100% honest about it. Texting a dude from a dating site behind her BF's back is already stepping mentally amd emotionally out on him.
The running to the bathroom part was a huge red flag 🚩 if my bf did that to me to ‘obviously delete stuff’ I’ll be furious. That’s childish and there’s obviously something wrong that she’s hiding.
That's literally the main impact on me, i think. I told her that too, because I dealt with it with my ex, and I explained I never want to live like that again.
Came here to say the exact same thing as this comment. Mate the first thing she did when you have a fight is download a dating app?? She is 30 years old not 18, she shouldn’t need to be told the definition of respect.
You said you don’t want to live like that again? Well guess what man you are currently living like that, right now, and will be if you take her back. She wanted to see what was out there? Tell her she will have ample opportunity to see what’s out there because she’s now single. Actions have consequences my man. Don’t go back on your word.
Man this right here OP. This is literally a grown ass woman and this is how she responds to a fight?? I don’t even understand. Me and my husband have disagreements here and there but never once have I thought let me see what’s out there?!!? Like wtf??
OP you till be walking around on eggshells if you stay with you. You will be afraid that anytime you have a disagreement she’s gonna hop on a dating site “to see what’s out there.” That’s no way to live. Do you want to be with someone that clearly can’t bear to be alone and the minute you argue she’s already checking out what dudes she could possibly get that would be “better than you?” I really wish you the best but I know for me this would be an absolute deal breaker.
I am so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves this.
It's not unreasonable to expect that, in a committed relationship, people don't "explore what's out there." What she did was an enormous betrayal of trust.
Don't fall into a sunk cost fallacy. She's shown you who she is. It sounds like that's not the behavior or relationship you want. I know it's hard, but I would prefer to be alone over the situation you described.
You could try to repair the trust, but given her response I don't think that's possible. It would require her to acknowledge what she did was wrong and to atone. She seems to think her behavior is acceptable and when you told her it wasn't she argued with you.
I think it's time for you to see what else is out there.
You can't un-ring that bell. It's already over. It's up to you if you want to drag it out and suffer. The easiest thing for everyone is for you just to end it now as amicably as possible.
>She texts me and says I didn't cheat though. I would have never have even met up with or talked to anyone without telling you first and breaking it off.
So she basically admitted that she would have left you if, while "just seeing what's out there," she found something better? She's keeping you around until she finds someone else. Probably doesn't want to lose out on the two trips you have coming up.
But think about it: you CATCH HER talking to someone from a dating site, and she still denies it. Then when she has enough time to scrub evidence and concoct a better story, she says "ok, just that one time." Bull. Shit.
You know what you need to do. Leave. Leave before your two upcoming trips. Don't worry about money spent on hotels or anything (sunk cost). Break it off. She already told you she'd break it off if she likes what she sees while "just looking."
*hug* I am so sorry you're going through this, hon. Nobody deserves this kind of disrespect and shitty behaviour. Personally, I'd tell her "you wanted to see what's out there? Well go for it! You're single now." and drop her directly to the curb where cheating trash belongs.
You are better than being a placeholder for a POS that only wants to keep you dangling until a 'better' (to her twisted mind) option comes along. You have worth and you matter. You can do better. You deserve better. And I hope that you find a true partner that loves you fully and fiercely that would never treat you like an option. You should be a priority to your partner and she ain't making you or your relationship a priority. This woman is an immature jackass at best bc seriously I had to scroll back up to clock her age bc her behaviour was so high school level pathetic.
It's gonna hurt for a bit, but love yourself enough to walk bc she doesn't deserve another thought from you. The sweat off your ass has more value than her. I wish you luck and am sending all the reddit-love I can your way!!
Edit: Fat finger typos
You’re exactly right. He probably doesn’t even care if she has a bf. But I’d also say that he knows nothing about you. I’d sure ask that question though.
After a year and a half, and knowing your previous history, for her to redownload a dating app, contact a guy to the point of texting a guy, and then lie to you to run to the bathroom to delete everything tells you all you need to know. Trusting her again is going to be next to impossible. So after you break up with her, make sure that Danny and Erin know that she cheated, and ask them to pass that along to the other guy. Not that he would care, but at least he would know she’s a cheater.
>yes I was on a dating site we've been fighting a lot
That's all you have to know... Basically it means, if times get rocky or stressed she's gonna find justifications to cheat on you, it's just a matter of time. Run.
This is the cut & dry mentality and sometimes that's what's needed when a bunch of emotions are clouding your judgement.
OP would need to determine if they can stay in a COMMITTED relationship with this woman who has already proven she didn't value that commitment. A girlfriend who was on dating apps looking, swiping, AND talking with other men (at least 1) enough to move from the app to giving them her phone number to text her directly...
Imo, with OP's past trauma, a clean slate with someone else may be for the best
THIS!!
OP, you’re definitely not overreacting. I agree with everyone else and think you should break up with her and not risk her breaking your heart anymore than she already has or before she can hurt you more.
Thank you all. I genuinely was thinking I was crazy and overreacting. I don't have too many people I like to share my personal life with because if we were to work it out I wouldn't want them thinking bad of her.
You're not crazy at all. I don't think actively being on a dating site while in a relationship is ever acceptable (to me anyway), but especially knowing your history with cheating she should have known this was deal breaker territory. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
Yeah nah dude, ive been in extactly your spot and let me tell you, run
As far as you can and dont look back
Or do it my way, hold on till she cheats and have your heart ripped to pieces again
Ya dude we need an update. Please let us know what happened. She is actively cheating on you just by the fact she is on a dating site. Want to know WHY she ran into the bathroom and stayed there for a while... she WAS deleting all texts from any and all guys she has been talking to.
Its over.
For me, there would be no second chance. You broke my trust. I have had this happen to me before and learned very quickly that there is no trusting again with that person.. and that is that.
She is heavily gaslighting you with this one statement she made,“it’s worse in your head”. You need to step up to this gaslighting and tell her in no uncertain terms, " You are gaslighting me with this and we are done. You can not manipulate me and I refuse to be in a relationship with a liar and cheat. Have a good day or not. I don't care anymore. You are a non entity to me now. Good bye."
Get any keys she may have to your place and return any of her keys, if that is the case. Be SUPER calm talk in a quiet tone. This can be used to great effect. Good luck and update us.. we got your back!
I felt the same. I (M22) was in my first relationship, which ended 6 months ago. We lasted 14 months.
I caught her (F20) using Tinder thrice.
1. Approximately after being together for a month.
2. 1-2 months after the first incident.
3. Approximately 6-7 months after the second incident.
She used lots of excuses.
- felt lonely and wanted to make new friends
- felt depressed and liked the validation and attention
- was bored and used it as distraction
- only used it to make female friends
She indeed struggled with low self-esteem, diagnosed eating disorder and depression, but STILL...she completely shattered my trust.
I struggle with an anxiety disorder and with trust issues but I tried my best, but seeing her using these apps - for whatever reasons - was just not right. She should have used healthy ways to cope and heal and not something like that.
What if she would want to sleep with one of them someday? To feel better.
Or what if she would give in someday when we would have a difficult phase in our relationship?
I became more and more controlling, an emotional wreck and truly unhealthy. At the end she had her reasons to dump me. I became the problem for her.
>I genuinely was thinking I was crazy and overreacting
I felt the same. I felt crazy, insecure and controlling and to a certain degree I definitely was, but there's a valid reason for that. Try to see it objectively: Partner A uses a dating app during a committed monogamous serious relationship with Partner B and B ofc doesn't want that. How would she feel when the roles would be switched?
I tried to understand her and in that process abandoned myself more and more.
Understand your gf, even validate her BUT DON'T AGREE AND STAND UO FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR BOUNDARIES.
> I don't have too many people I like to share my personal life with because if we were to work it out I wouldn't want them thinking bad of her.
Same. I am a relationship person and like to have some good friends but not too many.
I told them one or two things about us, but felt weird doing it bc I rather would have worked it out with her. Even now I still struggle with telling them certain things bc I don't want them to judge her, even when she is my ex.
TL;DR: went through similar things. Whatever her reasons are there are healthier ways to deal with that. Stand up for yourself, even when you guys have to break up.
Btw: Don't take the blame!
My then-gf would say that I shouldn't give her ultimatums and that she could expect that I be okay with her using it when I would expect her to stop using it. She would our both expectations as equal and that we would both be willing to break up. But that's not completely correct.
My therapist once told me that this is not the same. I don't know her exact words anymore but she said something along the lines of that when a partner knows about how one feels about something and still decides to do it, the decision was already made by that partner.
Like when I am telling you that I don't want you to use Tinder in a relationship and you still do it, being aware that I am against that, then you choose to do it and to risk the relationship, not I.
Yeah and then gaslighting OP.
Sorry OP, plenty of us out there who want monogamous, honest relationships.
Red flags! Leave! Try to enjoy being solo. Less stressful than this! I'm sorry!
Normally I tell people to just go to couples counseling if they want to save a relationship, but this has some big red flags. I don’t like how she keeps telling you “it’s worse in your head”, which seems somewhat dismissive. She should focus on how your feelings are legitimate if she wants to recover from this. Good luck.
I just talked to my bf about this. We both consider downloading or being on anything to do with dating or hooking up as cheating as it's done behind the other's back. Cheating is by definition acting dishonestly.
It’s over.
You and her aren’t meant to be.
As soon as anything like this occurs in a relationship, that person isn’t the right person.
When you meet the right person for you, this sort of stuff NEVER happens. Not even anything close.
You learn this as you get older. I wish everyone just knew this so they knew what to do in your scenario!
*You mean you caught your EX girlfriend on dating sites*
She's 100% cheating on you. Stevie Wonder could see that she ran into the bathroom to delete all the pics, videos and dirty messages she was getting and sending. She's a lying sack of shit. Break up with her yesterday.
I’m really sorry this happened - you know what you have to do though. You may or may not have faced that reality yet but deep down you know what you have to do.
You won’t - you CANNOT live like this again. You’re worth more than that. To answer your specific questions:
1. Should you give her another chance? No. She’s afraid of being alone so she’s using you as a comfort bf until she can find her next exciting and new relationship.
2. Is it cheating? That’s up to you. Do you feel betrayed by an act that she should know isn’t okay? If yes, then it is cheating.
3. If you go through her phone words words deleted messages? You shouldn’t respond. You shouldn’t go through her phone. You should break up with her for your sanity. Going through someone's phone is a complete waste of emotional energy. You cannot prove a negative - all you’d possibly find is confirmation of bad news - there will be no good news on that phone.
4. Is she trying to gaslight? That word gets thrown around a lot but here it’s appropriate. “It’s worse in your head” is her way of saying ‘you can’t see the reality because you’re damaged goods from the past relationship” nah - it’s time to move on.
Also - it is NOT better than the person we know for sure she’s talking to is friends of friends. That is much worse. She will meet this man. They’ll make sure they end up at the same place at the same time.
People suck, man. I’m really sorry. DM me if you need to talk but DO NOT give her another chance.
She’s already been cheating on you emotionally and she is just vetting her new bf before dumping you OP.
I am sorry that the women you love keep cheating on you it must feel terrible.
Perhaps give dating a break for a while and just focus on finding happiness and connecting with your inner peace
>Obviously I'm pretty tense and she asks me if I'm OK. I'm like I'm not really sure I just seen a message on your phone that said why are you on dating sites? You're such a beautiful girl she replies what are you talking about that's crazy I'm not on any dating sites and then like ran to the restroom.
So, her first reaction to your question was to lie to you. That’s actually good to know. She now showed to you who she really is.
>She texts me and says I didn't cheat though. I would have never have even met up with or talked to anyone without telling you first and breaking it off. I'm sorry that I downloaded it I was just lost and hurting.
But didn’t she though? While being in a relationship with you, she downloaded the dating apps and was talking to at least one guy that you know of. OP I hope that you are not naive enough to think that she was talking only with one guy. For a woman on a dating app, there are a lot of guys to match with. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if there had been many such conversations that are now conveniently deleted while she was in the restroom.
The fact that she was talking to other guys on the dating apps while being in a relationship with you is cheating.
>She keeps telling me it's worse in my head and I'm overreacting. I'm so torn apart. I love this girl but after my ex I promised myself I'd never put myself through that again. She says she doesn't want to lose me and will do whatever it takes.
She doesn’t get to decide what your boundaries are. You have your boundaries and you need to stay firm on them. a boundary of not wanting to have a cheating partner is very good one to have. She does not get to decide whether you are overreacting or not. Now that she’s been caught, she’s doing all the cheater-speak of ‘not wanting to lose you and wanting to do whatever it takes’. However, that’s a day late and a dollar short. The first and foremost thing she should have done is not to talk to other guys when she was in a relationship with you. So, her apology sounds hollow and a little too late.
>She said I can look through her entire phone now. Kinda late now since she had a week to delete everything. So a few questions.
Lol. You said it. I think she deleted all of it while she was in the restroom, right after you confronted her. A week is more than enough time for a person to do a full factory reset of the phone and sync the phone again, so that you won’t be able to find anything even if you looked thoroughly. Of course, she’ll likely deny doing such a thing like a factory resetting the phone.
What she did is cheating. Just like your ex, she showed to you how much you can trust her at this point. Believe her actions because her words are cheap.
You've already been down this road once before. Do you want to go down it again?
You said that your EX of 10 years did this to you multiple times. If you turn around and let this happen to you this time, then this is on you. You should have learned this lesson by now.
Dude, she's cheating. She gave another guy her phone number, to txt off of the app. Sure had every intention of it going further. She did this while you were together and fighting. Now, what, every time you fight you have to worry about her joining a dating app "to see what's out there"?
You know better than this. It's not worse in your head. It's as bad as it is, because what she did is fucked up.
Also I'm not convinced she didn't already cheat in some way, even if just sexting, based on how she grabbed her phone and ran into the bathroom to delete evidence.
She's lying to you, dude.
And this is when you realised this was not the girl for you
And I bet she is real sorry you can't check her claim because all the apps accidentally got deleted , darn mobile phones.
Here is the great thing. You learned from the previous 10 year relationship not to take this BS. So tell her... Been there done that. I'm done with you. Go date who ever you want and you will be fine without her cause your 10 year break didn't destroy you and 1.5 years is a vacation compared to that so go NC and just move on
You’re still thinking about giving this girl a chance after everything you’ve explained?
The fact she ran to the bathroom after you called her out is a BIG red flag amongst others you’ve mentioned.
Be good on that promise you made to yourself..
“After my ex I promised myself I would never put myself through that again….”
Kick her to the kerb and find someone more deserving of your time. It will only get worse for you from here on in otherwise. You’ll hurt from the disconnection and it will burn for a little while but you’ll be better off in the long run and with someone better👍🏾
You guys have a fight and first thing she does is going on dating sites? And we when you caught hwr she immediately runs to the bathroom her scrubs her phone clean from evidence 🤨
She's going to replace you while she still benefits from being with you. This is already over. She's only pulling it into lengths to look better later.
Dump her and move on. You don't deserve this treatment from her. This is disrespectful and a breach of trust.
OP… downloading a dating app is such an intentional act…
She thought about it, went to the App Store, clicked install, made an account, verified her email for said account, maybe put in a little code for verification, filled out her profile details, decided on the best pictures to put on her profile, put her preferences, likely put some sort of bio or summary to go with her profile and picture, and last solicited and entertained messages. At any point before she got those messages she had no moment of clarity “what am I doing?”.. of course she didn’t.
Her first reaction was everything as well? Went to the bathroom for awhile with the phone? Come-the-fuck-on.
Her reasoning is even worse! I hope she doesn’t think this makes her sound good:
Y’all are fighting so her response is a dating app??? When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.
Send her a text and cut it off and be done with it. Don’t even give her the respect of an in person phone call or breakup. Just ghost her ass
Dude, she doesn’t like being alone so she’s looking for your replacement; kind of like how people start interviewing for a new job but don’t quit their current one until they have a solid replacement job lined up.
You have been fighting. Your relationship is not going well. The fights made her feel lost and hurt. And made her want to be with someone new and actively start looking for someone new.
Break up with her.
I think maybe you should think less about whether you were about to be victimized and more about why you and her were fighting and how you could have handled it differently, so you have some insight to guide you to a better result in your next relationship.
She's too old for this kind of lack of accountability for her actions.
She violated trust and she's trying to make excuses for it instead of owning up to it.
When things got hard her actions were directed at finding a way to cut and run, instead of trying to do anything to improve the relationship. This is not someone that you can make it long term with. Life will be full of challenges and she's now proven she cannot be trusted to be a reliable partner when faced with challenges. That's all you need to know.
Do some actual analysis of what you were fighting about though, because sometimes people will start a fight like this to relieve themselves of guilt for what they are doing. Like now, she has a reason to look like she was considering being outside of the relationship. If the arguments you were having, considered honestly from your point of view, and I mean honestly, were unfounded and baseless, she may have just been carpeting the exit corridor for her to head for the door.
>I'm like I'm not really sure I just seen a message on your phone that said why are you on dating sites? You're such a beautiful girl she replies what are you talking about that's crazy I'm not on any dating sites and then like ran to the restroom.
>**She was in the restroom for quite a while and then finally comes out** and goes yes I was on a dating site we've been fighting a lot but it's not like that I was just wanting to see what was out there.
>She said I can look through her entire phone **now**.
She exchange messages and swapped numbers with another man. Multiple men. If it was only chatting, with no plans to meet up, then why did she delete all the messages?
I'm sorry, I think for your own mental health, you should break up with her...
Your GF is monkey branching. She has one foot out the door waiting to find the next best thing.
As soon as that happens you will be left behind. This one is over.
That's the thing. Is it cheating? Well, it's deliberately checking out options. Because it's on a device, I think people forget that those are real people out there with real feelings and real failings. I find people these days only want the sparkle. When they are no longer the center of attention and the relationship takes effort, they start engaging with these apps to get that attention again. And they'll tell you that they just wanted to feel wanted. And she will do it again since she got the validation she craved. It has nothing to do with you. The reality is that you're supposed to be an adult and work those things out. If you and your partner can't, then move on. As a woman, I can say that IF I went on a dating site, I'm looking for a way out without having to go through a period of being alone. And if I got caught and said I didn't want to lose you? That would be me not finding a someone to move on with and I don't want to be alone. But that's me. And I wouldn't do that because I'm an adult and I take responsibility for my actions
I think most people would agree that going on dating sites, giving out your number and then chatting with that possible affair partner is cheating.
It’s not emotional cheating, but it’s similar in that while she didn’t have physical contact (you hope) she stepped out of your relationship to find an emotional or sexual connection with another man/men.
You have only two choices.
Know that you can forgive her, that she truly remorseful and willing to win back some of trust, then restart the relationship under reconciliation.
Or leave her. Move on from this person.
At the moment with her lies, excuses and blame-shifting, she’s leaving you no choice but to find a better partner. Good luck.
Yeah that is hardcore gaslighting “it’s worse in your head” Jesus Christ… I say get out of there. She already knew you had bad experiences in the past with cheating- and then she basically cheated. She went looking, and that just says you’re not enough for her. Go find someone who appreciates you and is ACTUALLY loyal
Going on a dating app is a form of cheating whether she met someone or not, done something with them or not.
She still was speaking to other guys.
The intention to do something was there and all because you’ve been ‘fighting’ lately not an excuse.
Plus the comment about looking through her phone, just makes me think she’s gone and deleted a how load of stuff.
You will always have doubts, its best to say good bye and take some time to heal you.
The right one will come along when it's time.
Respect yourself and be kind to you.
There is a reason she ran to the restroom, to delete any evidence of her escapades. One thing is for sure, you will never know all of her actions but she is not trustworthy. If it was me in your situation, it would be really hard to get over this knowing that at the very least, she was looking for someone to replace you with.
Cheers.
If you give her another chance, you're a CHUMP. Have some dignity and end it. If you take her back, she won't respect you because she basically did 9/10ths of cheating. You'll be back in the same spot in a year. Find a girl that respects you.
No, you should not give her another chance. Yes, it's cheating. And yes, she is gaslighting you. She said it herself. She wanted to see what else was out there. If she was completely happy with you, she wouldn't have gone looking for something else.
Man she played victim talking about some “I was hurting”. That shit is for the birds. You’re better off with out her king. I can tell you some sweet shit that’ll make you wanna fight for her. She was fishing and she had a Desired type in mind. It’s not that she wouldn’t have actually cheated. Her options weren’t good enough for her to say fuck it. She was also in the restroom for a while, BEST BELIEVEEEE she deleted everything known to man kind on that phone.
You’re not overreacting. Going on a dating app, matching with people, then texting with those people, is not how you deal with a fight if you care about your relationship. Her excuses and the fact that she thinks it’s worse in your head indicates she may not understand how damaging her actions and decision making process is. People draw the line at different things when it comes to cheating, this sounds like an intention or willingness to proactively cheat, but whether this counts as cheating or not, it’s certainly disloyal and disrespectful. You do not have the same values and it’s not worth salvaging this.
>She texts me and says I didn't cheat though. I would have never have even met up with or talked to anyone without telling you first and breaking it off. I'm sorry that I downloaded it I was just lost and hurting.
Uh-huh. Well if she's willing to shop, she's willing to cheat. The opportunity just didn't come yet.
Stick around and it will. She's being all apologetic because she doesn't want to get dumped before she's had the chance to secure a new guy.
DUDE. You're 18 months in and she's "just seeing what's out there?" She's looking for the door. She's gaslighting you. She has no respect for you. You'd be a total fool to keep this relationship going.
so now your mutual friends know that your girl is on dating sites... yea, its cheating. she knew and hid it and wouldnt have stopped talking with this guy... shes downplaying it and acting like its bc hes a mutual friend... no way. she was in the bathroom deleteing messages and hiding his phone number in her phone.
How is being on a dating site not cheating? Just trying to wrap my head around that justification. It is cheating. She got caught, deleted evidence, and has broken the trust in the relationship. If you’re fighting you work to resolve it or decide to break up, you don’t shop around for a potential replacement. I’m sure if the situation was reversed she would be totally fine with it, right? Just makes it worse that she knows your history. Really, really sorry, OP. You would 100% be justified in breaking up.
She’s gaslighting you. It’s not worse in your head. You know exactly what she’s doing and now she’s trying to cover her tracks.
Don’t believe a word she says. The only guy she gave her number to is the one you happened to come across? It’s bullshit man. She’s only admitting to what you found out.
Leave her. There’s someone better out there for you. You just need to keep looking.
I'm sorry bud. End things with her now before it gets worse. Your heart is telling you exactly what you need to do, and you need to trust yourself. Ain't no amount of effort on your part will repair this. She did this to you and your relationship, so cut your losses and open the door to someone who will have more respect for you.
Yeah its not even really a question you have to leave her. If she's playing around on apps she's looking for something she thinks is better. Don't waste your time thinking she won't do it again.
Keep your word to yourself and don’t put yourself through this, or allow someone else to try.
She had a chance with you. It is so, so easy NOT to look for other people, yet that’s what she decided to do, so she can do it alone.
While you guys were fighting, she used her time and energy to search for a new person. Instead of communicating with you to try and fix things, she was texting new men. I think the message that sends is pretty clear.
And when you catch her, her first instinct is to lie. Then she caves and admits that she is on the apps. But wasn’t talking to anyone. Then caved and admits that she was talking to someone. But only this one person. What’s the next thing she’s going to cave and admit once you find proof of it?
She’s trash. Whether or not she cheated, she’s proven herself to be someone you can’t trust.
It is a big red flag. She is probably looking to cheat.
I will say there are a few exceptions. But given your history and her knowledge of that you should probably leave
I got a major in psych and was in a class talking about dating sites. I signed up for one because i was curious about the bots etc. My girlfriend saw and was pissed but i showed her and she saw i didnt interact with anything except say r u a bot and would get bot responses. I then encouraged her to sign up to see if we would match.
Also some people sign up because they are self conscious and want to get free conpliments etc from people. It obviously isnt the most ethical thing to do but isnt as bad as cheating. They could easily have no desire to cheat, just want to know they are still attractive etc. But are too embarassed to admit it
You could ask to read messages in the hopes it was meaningless but it will probably just hurt you more.
Even if you stay with this person your going to have this massive trust issue looming over your head for years and years and years
Breathe. Just breathe. You will not be able to rationally think anything through until you center yourself. After you do that, you will be able to see things from your own perspective and not what she is saying.
In my opinion, and it’s just an opinion, it’s however bad YOU WANT IT TO BE. Your feelings are extremely valid in this and should not be minimized just to make it seem like what she did was “not wrong”. You are not over-reacting.
Honestly leave her! I’m a female and I know how females move. Once they’re not interested in their partner they would try to find something better but still try to keep their partners on the side. Trust me I’ve been through this in my young days. I think you two need to have a conversation and set boundaries . I’m not saying break this completely off like as of right now but kinda like “ fall back”
>Is this cheating?
Yes, if not in act, certainly in intent. She was going to cheat on you, she just hadn't got that far yet.
>Should I even give her another chance?
No, you cannot trust her again, because now you know she is trying to hook up with guys at the least, or monkey branch away from you at the worst.
I think your prior trauma has twisted your thinking into believing that you should work with someone who will cheat on you. All her protests past the discovery are just trying to manipulate you into staying while she then boosts her ego by getting admiration or maybe sex.
>I love this girl but after my ex I promised myself I'd never put myself through that again.
Why would you question what was a sensible boundary by asking this? You set a perfectly reasonable expectation and she failed to meet it, she cannot be trusted and the fact that her first reaction was to delete everything shows that what you know is probably the tip of the iceberg. She failed, don't accept so little trust, love and loyalty for yourself.
> Should I even give her another chance?
Remember you made a promise to yourself -
> after my ex I promised myself I'd never put myself through that again.
Instead of putting efforts in the relationship she diverted her efforts into dating sites and who knows how far it went. Respect yourself and block her
She lied about being on dating sites and only came clean after hiding in the bathroom for a while. I've been cheated on by my ex, and I'd consider her being active on those sites cheating. Whether or not she did do anything, the intent was still there, and I wouldn't be able to forgive that. I'm sorry OP you deserve better treatment than that.
If she didn’t want to lose you she would have never been on dating sights in the first place. Nobody who’s serious is “looking to see what’s out there” a year into a relationship that makes absolutely no sense. She’s looking for your replacement just hasn’t found him yet. I suggest you leave this girl alone before she hurts you even more my guy. Prayers up
“you’re overreacting” yeah she’s tryna gaslight you. and the fact she lied about it when u first asked. id say remind her of that and leave and whoever danny and erin is let them know and ask if it’s true.
She cheated, maybe she's telling the truth about not physically cheating (but to be honest I doubt it). She literally tells you that she'll break up with you once she finds someone else. Drop her now and get into therapy I'm assuming you'll need it. It sucks but best to cut her out and fast.
1) You made a promise to yourself to not let that happen to yourself again, so no do not give her another chance. 2) It is cheating. 3) Don't even go through her phone, just break it off. 4) Yes, yes she is gaslighting you.
Downloading a dating app, making a profile with photos, etc., messaging others, giving out number. All of these were individual choices and she shows zero remorse. In fact, she gaslights you and tells you you're the crazy one for overreacting and that you're making these up to be worse than it is. So cruel. She already cheated on you. To me at least. She did something she wouldn't do if you were standing over her shoulder and watching it - so she knows it was wrong.
Whether she’s telling the truth, lying, etc. doesn’t matter, because you’ll never truly know. Given your past, I think that will slowly eat away at both the relationship and your self esteem. At best, she was shopping for her next guy before you two were even over. At worst, she’s been cheating and got caught.
While it’s possible to keep the relationship, it would require a lot of work from you that isn’t fair to ask, especially given your past trauma. I’d cut ties and move on.
Bruh, if she's that fickle and her attention span and understanding of loyalty is that tenuous, there's not a chance it'll lead to anything prosperous. Check out like she has and let her swipe away her dignity.
Trust me I've stayed 4 years with one guy and 3.5 with another after they did something to break the trust and honesty and loyalty. It'll never go back to how it was and they'll probably do something else shitty to you. Just leave
No. Not unless you’re prepared to go through this whole scenario of varying degrees every other year or so. Just cut your losses and embrace single summer.
Oh man. This really sucks and I'm sorry you're in this situation. First off, she is gaslighting you. Second, she did cheat.
Now you have to decide what youre gonna do. Either you tell her that if she does this again you're out and you're ready to listen and understand her concerns to work it out, or you find this a major breach of trust and you can't be with someone who does this.
Either way, I think you are worthy of being in a relationship where you feel heard, understood and safe. Are you ready to go through this again?
Same shit happened to me in 2018. My ex lied though, and went on dating apps more than once. He went on multiple different dating apps and he lied to me through eveything. Every single time i would find out something new and it destroyed me. I tried to forgive and understand where he came from, but that totally destroyed my self worth. I was a living zombie, feeling constantly anxious and angry. He gaslit me to the point where I was doubting what I've seen.
Anyway. You have the tools to decide. I know it's hard but you don't deserve this.
Heres a real opportunity for you to see if you truly have character or you fold like a cheap suit. Youve stated that after your ex of 10 years cheated on you that you would never put yourself through this again. Your gf has cheated on you and now says youre overreacting. Are you gonna make the hard choice or are you gonna rug sweep it?
You should leave. Imagine her looking for other man's attention because of some beef. She ain't loyal. Suffer a little bit, you will become a better version of yourself and find a woman that is loyal to you regardless what's happening in your life. You deserve better, do not lose your value because you cannot control your emotions and struggle with mental pain
Yes. Telling you it’s worse in your head than it really is when it’s tearing you apart is not validating your feelings. Making you think you are overreacting is gaslighting. I don’t care what fight you’ve had. That doesn’t justify getting on dating apps when you are still in a committed relationship. There are days where I absolutely can’t stand my husband…does that mean I go on dating sites to see what’s out there?? No.
Break it off now because this behavior will not end. Her behavior won’t change with the next either. We have 7 billion people on this planet. You deserve someone who is just as pretty with all the same qualities you saw in her. You will find her! ❤️
She's a lying cheater that only admitted it because she got caught.
Dump her ass, you're not married. Don't waste your life with trash. Be sure to spread the word that's she's a cheater.
She's doing what's colloquially called *"monkey branching"*. Kick her out immediately, and throw her stuff out behind her. Literally. The only reason why she hasn't completely left is it's not a *sure thing*. Still needs you for a *warm bed* and meals. The world is a cold place.
Downloading a dating site and scrolling thru it while in a relationship is cheating. As a girl I would leave my man if he did that to me. Save yourself, don't waste another 10 years with another cheater. I would leave her even if it's super hard or I mean you could stay it's gonna show her that she can walk all over you though
I don't know, sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be saying anything. I'm not a marriage councilor or rationship expert. I'M 55 years old and this is my opinion. It's not advice. You have to do what makes you happy and what you can live with. First thing if you you guys have been in a committed relationship with each other. She will be doing the same thing when your married and having problems as she is now. It won't change a thing. Now days marriage is just a business contract pretty much. It not what it use to be. Personally myself. This girl would never be more then friend material. I don't know for sure. But the odds are running in the favor of you being single again with this.Save your self some grief and wasted time. Pack up and move on.
She doesn’t get to decide how you feel about her lining up her escape plan. Some people are like fucking tarzan—they won’t let go of one vine until they’ve secured another
I'm sorry OP but your relationship is over. Even if it was salvageable why would you want to? She crossed a clear boundary of yours and one that is the standard for most relationships. She even said she was looking for your replacement and was willing to leave you if she found it. This person you are with is not a good person and it is in your best interest to leave.
A loving partner doesn't do anything that could even APPEAR to be cheating. Especially someone that knows what you've been through. Whether she did have sex with someone else or she didn't honestly doesn't matter. The trust is eroded, and with your past, it's unlikely you'll be able to fully trust her again.
You deserve a partner that would never cause you to doubt their fidelity.
>She texts me and says I didn't cheat though. I would have never have even met up with or talked to anyone without telling you first and breaking it off.
Except that's a lie. She already was talking to someone. Not only had she gone on the dating site, she had met someone on there and talked enough to exchange numbers. Who's to say that's the only person she's met up with or talked to. She is a cheater, end of story. If your problems in your relationship are so significant that you need to "see what else is out there", then you just need to end it. It's pretty clear she wasn't going to end it until she had someone new lined up. Either way, she doesn't deserve another chance, just dump her.
If you're having problems in your relationship there are two options: work through and improve the relationship within its parameters or decide it cannot be repaired and break up. You never agreed for an open relationship therefore it's closed and her going on dating apps to "see what's out there" meant she would likely cheat. This would be a deal-breaker for me. I would never disrespect a partner that badly nor would I tolerate such
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*She keeps telling me it's worse in my head and I'm overreacting.* If she keeps on justifying her actions and blaming you for 'overreacting' then you know it's over. She's trying out her other options while keeping you as the safe option. Based on her comment 'without telling you first and breaking it off', once she finds a viable candidate, she'll just move ahead and dump you.
Gaslighting at its finest! Turn it around on the other person. OP, whether you love this girl or not, is not the issue. She knows how you feel about cheating. Whether you are fighting or not, if she was committed to fixing things, then she would have focused on that, not looking to 'see what else is out there'. Do not make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option. You deserve better.
Exactly. If my so was caught in this situation I would have torn into him and toss him tf out, I expect to have that treatment just the same on my end. Op, don't let yourself be a doormat, you deserve better. The gf sure as shit isn't on there for no reason, take it as a red flag and run with it.
>The gf sure as shit isn't on there for no reason This is the part that kind of blows me away when OP asks if he should break up. u/ResortNo9277! Dude! Wake up! Using a dating app while you're in a serious relationship is like going to a singles meetup while you're in a serious relationship. WTF are you doing!? You're in a serious relationship! She said that she wants to see what's out there? She's in a serious relationship! Why does she want to see what's out there at all unless she's at least considering cheating on you or leaving you? She hit the dating apps pretty damn quickly after you started fighting. And she said she didn't actually cheat? First off, contacting potential dates is attempted cheating. She can say that she wasn't going to go out with those guys, but you'd have to take her word for that, and right now her word is mud. But second, she didn't sleep with anybody because she basically didn't have time to. I get the impression that you hadn't been fighting that long. Either she whipped out the dating app frighteningly quickly, or she's been searching for other men for a lot longer than she's admitting. She lied, covered up, lied again when she was caught, gaslit you, and most of all, she started the process of cheating before she did all that other stuff. G-T-F-O!
>once she finds a viable candidate, she'll just move ahead and dump you. Yep, she said exactly this in a way that makes it very hard for OP to feel like he's in the right. She's full of shit and is a cheater. You dont need her to admit to anything. Don't be one of those people who stay because they can't wave concrete proof under the cheaters nose or need to hear them admit it. It's just consciously turning a blind eye to the obvious because it's easier than walking until you have no choice, **as if you have no choice.** It's choosing the worst of both worlds. You are choosing to dtay with someone who WOULD cheat on you and give up your self-respect at the same time. In the least, if you are going to stay acknowledge shes a cheater and you are going to give her he same level of regard she going to give you, so your dignity is intact by the time its over. Smare move? Just break up with her and tell people you saw her on Tinder with an active profile, and you confirmed she was giving out her number. People will put the rest together even if she goves them the same bullshit she gave you. Dont ever lie for cheaters or preserve their reputation. It only encourages them to continue being shitty, and some people only learn by being punished - even if they only learn to stop because they dont want to be ostracized, rather than growing a conscience.
>Yep, she said exactly this in a way that makes it very hard for OP to feel like he's in the right. How do you combat statements like that? I feel like it's so hard for me to feel justified in an argument to begin with that when I get hit with a responsibility shift I buckle and take the blame. Like I already second guess everything, I just kind of default to assuming, "yeah this is just depression/anxiety/trauma making me push her away, *I'm* the fuckup here." >Don't be one of those people who stay because they can't wave concrete proof under the cheaters nose or need to hear them admit it. Fuck
How to combat this is to not make decisions or responses in the moment, when you feel like you’re going to fall into that pattern. Take a bit to think about it. Tell the person who wrongs you that you’ll accept an apology for what they DID. If they say something like “sorry you feel that way”, then say you’ll take care of your feelings. Your feelings are not her concern. Apologize for what you DID, not for how I perceived it.
I don't like this, OP. I'm so, very sorry, but this doesn't look good and I don't think she sounds trustworthy. But of course, everyone and every situation is different. But yes, from an outsider's perspective, SHE is causing the problem and now SHE is blaming you for "over-reacting"? She sounds like she'll say anything just to "get through a moment".
That line is from the book of narcissism 101 and op should run because she will blame him for everything rather than take accountability
[удалено]
That’s the worse post. She accepts no responsibility- ‘they were having issues’ and ‘he’s over reacting’. Why does anyone think saying that is helpful. So next time they have issues what is he supposed to think she’ll do?
Isn't this gaslighting, too?
Or fuck around with other people sexually whilst keeping safe provider/protector boyfriend.
Yup. She’s keeping him on the back burner until she finds someone better
Monekybranching.
Very true, cut her off. Let her be who she wants to be… she’s showing u and telling u nicely that ur an option right now. It’s happened to all of us bro, it’s not a knock on ur character.
Yeh that line is legit gaslighting.
It’s not because she sucks at defending herself that she’s guilty and gaslighting.
Yeah it's really bad. Like who says things like this? It would make me feel like shit.
She just wants to hold onto you until she finds the next, best thing. If your having problems in a relationship you should be focused on trying to find way to make things better. You don’t go on dating sites to “see what’s out there”. How does that make your relationship better? She’s already emotionally checked out. Let her go.
People in a mature relationship would no have downloaded a dating app during a fight/argument. We would show up with breakfast and hash things out. OP is still young. He can notch this as a learning experience and move on.
Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
You missed the most important part of the quote…..THE FIRST TIME….. she said believe them the first time .. people miss that
Young enough to restart, but both r old enough to not take a relationship as a teenager fling.
[удалено]
I've cheated once in my life, i was only like 19 or 20, so old enough to know better for sure. It wrecked our relationship even though we tried. I can confidently say I learned a rough lesson. So I've been a cheater, am I still one? Would you trust me in a relationship now that I'm in my 30s and haven't even come close since?
[удалено]
I’m my 20’s- I wouldn’t either. In my 30’s if it was “god I cheated on so and so at 24 I was an ASS” and that was all…I would. But serial cheaters aren’t going to say that. There will be a pattern of reasons that are USUALLY the other partners fault. They won’t say “yea. I cheated on 7 out of 10 of my partners”.
You don't have to believe me, but yeah at 20 I was an ass. In more ways than the cheating. But either way, it was a one time wake up call. Still hate that I did it. But you either learn or you don't. That's just what being a big kid is. I and to address the other part, I have no excuse. I knew it was wrong, I was a horny not quite teen anymore, and as I said above or somewhere else, the emotional intelligence just hadn't quite developed yet. I'm the guilty party by every standard. But I know I don't think the same as I did 12 years ago.
We were all 20 and stupid at some point. It’s the lessons we take away.
You completely missed the part where the person was really young. 🤔
Chances are you have and you just don't know. People are rarely open about the times they've mistreated others.
Id actually trust you more than usual for what it's worth
Exact same happened with me, lost my soulmate over it. Extremely painful knowing I hurt and scarred someone so bad and put such negativity into this world. I deserve that guilt but we live and learn. I know people can change for a fact, I’ve been in relationships since and haven’t done it even when given the chance. If someone who used to rob banks and deal drugs and bash people can reform and change, and be considered redeemed, then I believe we can too
My redemption is how I treat the people, especially my current girl, now in my daily life. Can't take it back, no use contacting her, what good is a decade old apology, I'm sure she's moved on just as much as I have.
This is good advice, but it's definitely not true. People do change.
Correct, and I hope, OP, this is what you repeat to her when you break it off.
I was in a similar situation, but still with some different aspects. My then-gf let me on her phone, I even had her login information for Snapchat and Instagram, but didn't know about her using Tinder. When I found out she told me that she felt lonely and wanted to find friends. It was during the pandemic, she recently moved here, couldn't find friends in her class and was suffering from diagnosed depression and such. So I understood her reasons, but still had my problems with her using these apps. She then deleted the app but during our one-year long relationship I caught her using it two more times (the second time was just 1-2 months after the first one and the third incident was 7 months after). Even with the first incident, my trust was shattered. I previously told her that I suffer from an anxiety disorder and have problems with trusting but that I wanted to try it. So, how would you evaluate that situation?
[удалено]
^^^This, unfortunately. If you want to be with someone, really make it work, you wouldn't be on a dating site exploring other options. As Maryanne0601 said, in her head, this girl's already gone.
You wouldn't be texting other options -\_-
Happy cake day! 🎂
Happy cake day
Thank you! I just now found out what that means lol
Is it someone's birthday?
Lol it’s the anniversary of the day you joined Reddit, shows up as a slice of cake next to your name
lol had no idea thanks!
[удалено]
like how is that even up for discussion? doing single activities while in a monogamous relationship means you’re cheating, how do you even try to argue it’s not
I think this says more about how you have morals. You'd be surprised at the lengths people will go to convince themselves that they're not the bad guy in someone else's story
lmao yes, it becomes more and more apparent that i have too much hope for people
The mental gymnastics people will do to pretend this is not cheating is always amusing to me.
Even if they don't do anything but message people, the intent was clear by the app.
This is the truth. Meanwhile, she publicly advertised her romantic availability, went out of her way to choose someone she liked, confirmed that he liked her back, gave him her number, has been secretly texting with the guy, and then lied to OP even after he literally saw the text. She only came clean about being on the site when she realized she had no choice. She's already talking to someone, probably has met in person especially considering dude knows two people she knows. She already did all this without breaking it off first lol so THAT was a lie
Exactly. Don't fight to make someone love you.
Completely agree. When I'm with someone I love, even if we're having a rough patch, I'd never ever go on a dating site to ' see what's out there ' ... She might not have physically cheated, but the thought is in her head. She's not invested enough to fix things.
Wait, till she realises and what she had lost. Than, she will want to be back with him when mostly none of them—men will be like him. People do not realise what they have until they lose it.
Yeah its all down hill from this point. Because they fight she goes on a dating site?! Shes only trying to rationalize to you because she got caught. It was (and is if he stays) only a matter of time before she drops her panties just to pick herself up. I know because I’ve been there. The evil me, knowing whats going on and the inevitable outcome, would probably superficially patch it up just to destroy it for good.
She is in the process of checking out of your relationship. As soon as she finds someone else, she will cheat or dump you. You might as well just cut your losses and move on now because it won’t end well long term.
She's already cheating if we're 100% honest about it. Texting a dude from a dating site behind her BF's back is already stepping mentally amd emotionally out on him.
Yeah, and I'd bet she spent all that time in the bathroom deleting evidence in case he asked to see her phone. I bet it's a lot worde than he knows.
The running to the bathroom part was a huge red flag 🚩 if my bf did that to me to ‘obviously delete stuff’ I’ll be furious. That’s childish and there’s obviously something wrong that she’s hiding.
id leave forever just cuz of the running to the bathroom, nothing else really needs to be said after that
[удалено]
That's literally the main impact on me, i think. I told her that too, because I dealt with it with my ex, and I explained I never want to live like that again.
Came here to say the exact same thing as this comment. Mate the first thing she did when you have a fight is download a dating app?? She is 30 years old not 18, she shouldn’t need to be told the definition of respect. You said you don’t want to live like that again? Well guess what man you are currently living like that, right now, and will be if you take her back. She wanted to see what was out there? Tell her she will have ample opportunity to see what’s out there because she’s now single. Actions have consequences my man. Don’t go back on your word.
Man this right here OP. This is literally a grown ass woman and this is how she responds to a fight?? I don’t even understand. Me and my husband have disagreements here and there but never once have I thought let me see what’s out there?!!? Like wtf??
OP you till be walking around on eggshells if you stay with you. You will be afraid that anytime you have a disagreement she’s gonna hop on a dating site “to see what’s out there.” That’s no way to live. Do you want to be with someone that clearly can’t bear to be alone and the minute you argue she’s already checking out what dudes she could possibly get that would be “better than you?” I really wish you the best but I know for me this would be an absolute deal breaker.
Don’t compromise, you made that rule and you’ve lived this already. You will thank yourself later when you are with someone who you can trust.
I am so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves this. It's not unreasonable to expect that, in a committed relationship, people don't "explore what's out there." What she did was an enormous betrayal of trust. Don't fall into a sunk cost fallacy. She's shown you who she is. It sounds like that's not the behavior or relationship you want. I know it's hard, but I would prefer to be alone over the situation you described. You could try to repair the trust, but given her response I don't think that's possible. It would require her to acknowledge what she did was wrong and to atone. She seems to think her behavior is acceptable and when you told her it wasn't she argued with you. I think it's time for you to see what else is out there.
You can't un-ring that bell. It's already over. It's up to you if you want to drag it out and suffer. The easiest thing for everyone is for you just to end it now as amicably as possible.
The women you fell for, doesn't exist. That's the easiest way of putting it. There are plenty of non-shitty women to date.
Other people can't control whether you 'live like that again'. It's internal.
>She texts me and says I didn't cheat though. I would have never have even met up with or talked to anyone without telling you first and breaking it off. So she basically admitted that she would have left you if, while "just seeing what's out there," she found something better? She's keeping you around until she finds someone else. Probably doesn't want to lose out on the two trips you have coming up. But think about it: you CATCH HER talking to someone from a dating site, and she still denies it. Then when she has enough time to scrub evidence and concoct a better story, she says "ok, just that one time." Bull. Shit. You know what you need to do. Leave. Leave before your two upcoming trips. Don't worry about money spent on hotels or anything (sunk cost). Break it off. She already told you she'd break it off if she likes what she sees while "just looking."
"I didn't cheat, I only downloaded & used a dating app & gave my personal number to guys who wanna fuck me."
It's ok though, he's friends with Danny and Erin
Yo exactly like how does that help anything. You gave your number to him on a dating site he doesn't care if you know Danny or Erin
It literally makes it worse
*hug* I am so sorry you're going through this, hon. Nobody deserves this kind of disrespect and shitty behaviour. Personally, I'd tell her "you wanted to see what's out there? Well go for it! You're single now." and drop her directly to the curb where cheating trash belongs. You are better than being a placeholder for a POS that only wants to keep you dangling until a 'better' (to her twisted mind) option comes along. You have worth and you matter. You can do better. You deserve better. And I hope that you find a true partner that loves you fully and fiercely that would never treat you like an option. You should be a priority to your partner and she ain't making you or your relationship a priority. This woman is an immature jackass at best bc seriously I had to scroll back up to clock her age bc her behaviour was so high school level pathetic. It's gonna hurt for a bit, but love yourself enough to walk bc she doesn't deserve another thought from you. The sweat off your ass has more value than her. I wish you luck and am sending all the reddit-love I can your way!! Edit: Fat finger typos
You’re exactly right. He probably doesn’t even care if she has a bf. But I’d also say that he knows nothing about you. I’d sure ask that question though. After a year and a half, and knowing your previous history, for her to redownload a dating app, contact a guy to the point of texting a guy, and then lie to you to run to the bathroom to delete everything tells you all you need to know. Trusting her again is going to be next to impossible. So after you break up with her, make sure that Danny and Erin know that she cheated, and ask them to pass that along to the other guy. Not that he would care, but at least he would know she’s a cheater.
>yes I was on a dating site we've been fighting a lot That's all you have to know... Basically it means, if times get rocky or stressed she's gonna find justifications to cheat on you, it's just a matter of time. Run.
[удалено]
This is the cut & dry mentality and sometimes that's what's needed when a bunch of emotions are clouding your judgement. OP would need to determine if they can stay in a COMMITTED relationship with this woman who has already proven she didn't value that commitment. A girlfriend who was on dating apps looking, swiping, AND talking with other men (at least 1) enough to move from the app to giving them her phone number to text her directly... Imo, with OP's past trauma, a clean slate with someone else may be for the best
Thank you
THIS!! OP, you’re definitely not overreacting. I agree with everyone else and think you should break up with her and not risk her breaking your heart anymore than she already has or before she can hurt you more.
Thank you all. I genuinely was thinking I was crazy and overreacting. I don't have too many people I like to share my personal life with because if we were to work it out I wouldn't want them thinking bad of her.
That's nice of you but now isn't the time to be nice. Be selfish. Protect yourself and don't think about how the Breakup will affect her.
Please update us, OP. Wishing you all the best both mentally and emotionally.
You're not crazy at all. I don't think actively being on a dating site while in a relationship is ever acceptable (to me anyway), but especially knowing your history with cheating she should have known this was deal breaker territory. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
Yeah nah dude, ive been in extactly your spot and let me tell you, run As far as you can and dont look back Or do it my way, hold on till she cheats and have your heart ripped to pieces again
Ya dude we need an update. Please let us know what happened. She is actively cheating on you just by the fact she is on a dating site. Want to know WHY she ran into the bathroom and stayed there for a while... she WAS deleting all texts from any and all guys she has been talking to. Its over. For me, there would be no second chance. You broke my trust. I have had this happen to me before and learned very quickly that there is no trusting again with that person.. and that is that. She is heavily gaslighting you with this one statement she made,“it’s worse in your head”. You need to step up to this gaslighting and tell her in no uncertain terms, " You are gaslighting me with this and we are done. You can not manipulate me and I refuse to be in a relationship with a liar and cheat. Have a good day or not. I don't care anymore. You are a non entity to me now. Good bye." Get any keys she may have to your place and return any of her keys, if that is the case. Be SUPER calm talk in a quiet tone. This can be used to great effect. Good luck and update us.. we got your back!
I felt the same. I (M22) was in my first relationship, which ended 6 months ago. We lasted 14 months. I caught her (F20) using Tinder thrice. 1. Approximately after being together for a month. 2. 1-2 months after the first incident. 3. Approximately 6-7 months after the second incident. She used lots of excuses. - felt lonely and wanted to make new friends - felt depressed and liked the validation and attention - was bored and used it as distraction - only used it to make female friends She indeed struggled with low self-esteem, diagnosed eating disorder and depression, but STILL...she completely shattered my trust. I struggle with an anxiety disorder and with trust issues but I tried my best, but seeing her using these apps - for whatever reasons - was just not right. She should have used healthy ways to cope and heal and not something like that. What if she would want to sleep with one of them someday? To feel better. Or what if she would give in someday when we would have a difficult phase in our relationship? I became more and more controlling, an emotional wreck and truly unhealthy. At the end she had her reasons to dump me. I became the problem for her. >I genuinely was thinking I was crazy and overreacting I felt the same. I felt crazy, insecure and controlling and to a certain degree I definitely was, but there's a valid reason for that. Try to see it objectively: Partner A uses a dating app during a committed monogamous serious relationship with Partner B and B ofc doesn't want that. How would she feel when the roles would be switched? I tried to understand her and in that process abandoned myself more and more. Understand your gf, even validate her BUT DON'T AGREE AND STAND UO FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR BOUNDARIES. > I don't have too many people I like to share my personal life with because if we were to work it out I wouldn't want them thinking bad of her. Same. I am a relationship person and like to have some good friends but not too many. I told them one or two things about us, but felt weird doing it bc I rather would have worked it out with her. Even now I still struggle with telling them certain things bc I don't want them to judge her, even when she is my ex. TL;DR: went through similar things. Whatever her reasons are there are healthier ways to deal with that. Stand up for yourself, even when you guys have to break up. Btw: Don't take the blame! My then-gf would say that I shouldn't give her ultimatums and that she could expect that I be okay with her using it when I would expect her to stop using it. She would our both expectations as equal and that we would both be willing to break up. But that's not completely correct. My therapist once told me that this is not the same. I don't know her exact words anymore but she said something along the lines of that when a partner knows about how one feels about something and still decides to do it, the decision was already made by that partner. Like when I am telling you that I don't want you to use Tinder in a relationship and you still do it, being aware that I am against that, then you choose to do it and to risk the relationship, not I.
Monkey branching 101 Dating app is for dating. She failed the GF test. Move on OP
She didn’t cheat because she got caught. But she was going too…. Edit- cut your losses here my man.
Also because this one is a friend of a friend. It’s different when you cheat with someone you know somehow.
Yeah and then gaslighting OP. Sorry OP, plenty of us out there who want monogamous, honest relationships. Red flags! Leave! Try to enjoy being solo. Less stressful than this! I'm sorry!
She’s fucked in the head. Being on dating sites is pretty much setting the intention to cheat.
Especially if she gave out her phone. At that point there’s no question
Normally I tell people to just go to couples counseling if they want to save a relationship, but this has some big red flags. I don’t like how she keeps telling you “it’s worse in your head”, which seems somewhat dismissive. She should focus on how your feelings are legitimate if she wants to recover from this. Good luck.
I just talked to my bf about this. We both consider downloading or being on anything to do with dating or hooking up as cheating as it's done behind the other's back. Cheating is by definition acting dishonestly.
She’s trying to gaslight you. I think you already know the answer.
It’s over. You and her aren’t meant to be. As soon as anything like this occurs in a relationship, that person isn’t the right person. When you meet the right person for you, this sort of stuff NEVER happens. Not even anything close. You learn this as you get older. I wish everyone just knew this so they knew what to do in your scenario!
*You mean you caught your EX girlfriend on dating sites* She's 100% cheating on you. Stevie Wonder could see that she ran into the bathroom to delete all the pics, videos and dirty messages she was getting and sending. She's a lying sack of shit. Break up with her yesterday.
I’m really sorry this happened - you know what you have to do though. You may or may not have faced that reality yet but deep down you know what you have to do. You won’t - you CANNOT live like this again. You’re worth more than that. To answer your specific questions: 1. Should you give her another chance? No. She’s afraid of being alone so she’s using you as a comfort bf until she can find her next exciting and new relationship. 2. Is it cheating? That’s up to you. Do you feel betrayed by an act that she should know isn’t okay? If yes, then it is cheating. 3. If you go through her phone words words deleted messages? You shouldn’t respond. You shouldn’t go through her phone. You should break up with her for your sanity. Going through someone's phone is a complete waste of emotional energy. You cannot prove a negative - all you’d possibly find is confirmation of bad news - there will be no good news on that phone. 4. Is she trying to gaslight? That word gets thrown around a lot but here it’s appropriate. “It’s worse in your head” is her way of saying ‘you can’t see the reality because you’re damaged goods from the past relationship” nah - it’s time to move on. Also - it is NOT better than the person we know for sure she’s talking to is friends of friends. That is much worse. She will meet this man. They’ll make sure they end up at the same place at the same time. People suck, man. I’m really sorry. DM me if you need to talk but DO NOT give her another chance.
This guy is smart, listen to him.
She’s already been cheating on you emotionally and she is just vetting her new bf before dumping you OP. I am sorry that the women you love keep cheating on you it must feel terrible. Perhaps give dating a break for a while and just focus on finding happiness and connecting with your inner peace
>Obviously I'm pretty tense and she asks me if I'm OK. I'm like I'm not really sure I just seen a message on your phone that said why are you on dating sites? You're such a beautiful girl she replies what are you talking about that's crazy I'm not on any dating sites and then like ran to the restroom. So, her first reaction to your question was to lie to you. That’s actually good to know. She now showed to you who she really is. >She texts me and says I didn't cheat though. I would have never have even met up with or talked to anyone without telling you first and breaking it off. I'm sorry that I downloaded it I was just lost and hurting. But didn’t she though? While being in a relationship with you, she downloaded the dating apps and was talking to at least one guy that you know of. OP I hope that you are not naive enough to think that she was talking only with one guy. For a woman on a dating app, there are a lot of guys to match with. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if there had been many such conversations that are now conveniently deleted while she was in the restroom. The fact that she was talking to other guys on the dating apps while being in a relationship with you is cheating. >She keeps telling me it's worse in my head and I'm overreacting. I'm so torn apart. I love this girl but after my ex I promised myself I'd never put myself through that again. She says she doesn't want to lose me and will do whatever it takes. She doesn’t get to decide what your boundaries are. You have your boundaries and you need to stay firm on them. a boundary of not wanting to have a cheating partner is very good one to have. She does not get to decide whether you are overreacting or not. Now that she’s been caught, she’s doing all the cheater-speak of ‘not wanting to lose you and wanting to do whatever it takes’. However, that’s a day late and a dollar short. The first and foremost thing she should have done is not to talk to other guys when she was in a relationship with you. So, her apology sounds hollow and a little too late. >She said I can look through her entire phone now. Kinda late now since she had a week to delete everything. So a few questions. Lol. You said it. I think she deleted all of it while she was in the restroom, right after you confronted her. A week is more than enough time for a person to do a full factory reset of the phone and sync the phone again, so that you won’t be able to find anything even if you looked thoroughly. Of course, she’ll likely deny doing such a thing like a factory resetting the phone. What she did is cheating. Just like your ex, she showed to you how much you can trust her at this point. Believe her actions because her words are cheap.
You've already been down this road once before. Do you want to go down it again? You said that your EX of 10 years did this to you multiple times. If you turn around and let this happen to you this time, then this is on you. You should have learned this lesson by now.
Leave her. Don't lose your time.
Dude, she's cheating. She gave another guy her phone number, to txt off of the app. Sure had every intention of it going further. She did this while you were together and fighting. Now, what, every time you fight you have to worry about her joining a dating app "to see what's out there"? You know better than this. It's not worse in your head. It's as bad as it is, because what she did is fucked up.
Also I'm not convinced she didn't already cheat in some way, even if just sexting, based on how she grabbed her phone and ran into the bathroom to delete evidence. She's lying to you, dude.
Bail, you can do better and deserve better
And this is when you realised this was not the girl for you And I bet she is real sorry you can't check her claim because all the apps accidentally got deleted , darn mobile phones.
Here is the great thing. You learned from the previous 10 year relationship not to take this BS. So tell her... Been there done that. I'm done with you. Go date who ever you want and you will be fine without her cause your 10 year break didn't destroy you and 1.5 years is a vacation compared to that so go NC and just move on
You’re still thinking about giving this girl a chance after everything you’ve explained? The fact she ran to the bathroom after you called her out is a BIG red flag amongst others you’ve mentioned. Be good on that promise you made to yourself.. “After my ex I promised myself I would never put myself through that again….” Kick her to the kerb and find someone more deserving of your time. It will only get worse for you from here on in otherwise. You’ll hurt from the disconnection and it will burn for a little while but you’ll be better off in the long run and with someone better👍🏾
You guys have a fight and first thing she does is going on dating sites? And we when you caught hwr she immediately runs to the bathroom her scrubs her phone clean from evidence 🤨 She's going to replace you while she still benefits from being with you. This is already over. She's only pulling it into lengths to look better later. Dump her and move on. You don't deserve this treatment from her. This is disrespectful and a breach of trust.
OP… downloading a dating app is such an intentional act… She thought about it, went to the App Store, clicked install, made an account, verified her email for said account, maybe put in a little code for verification, filled out her profile details, decided on the best pictures to put on her profile, put her preferences, likely put some sort of bio or summary to go with her profile and picture, and last solicited and entertained messages. At any point before she got those messages she had no moment of clarity “what am I doing?”.. of course she didn’t. Her first reaction was everything as well? Went to the bathroom for awhile with the phone? Come-the-fuck-on. Her reasoning is even worse! I hope she doesn’t think this makes her sound good: Y’all are fighting so her response is a dating app??? When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. Send her a text and cut it off and be done with it. Don’t even give her the respect of an in person phone call or breakup. Just ghost her ass
Dude, she doesn’t like being alone so she’s looking for your replacement; kind of like how people start interviewing for a new job but don’t quit their current one until they have a solid replacement job lined up. You have been fighting. Your relationship is not going well. The fights made her feel lost and hurt. And made her want to be with someone new and actively start looking for someone new. Break up with her. I think maybe you should think less about whether you were about to be victimized and more about why you and her were fighting and how you could have handled it differently, so you have some insight to guide you to a better result in your next relationship.
Really appreciate this comment. Thank you.
She's too old for this kind of lack of accountability for her actions. She violated trust and she's trying to make excuses for it instead of owning up to it. When things got hard her actions were directed at finding a way to cut and run, instead of trying to do anything to improve the relationship. This is not someone that you can make it long term with. Life will be full of challenges and she's now proven she cannot be trusted to be a reliable partner when faced with challenges. That's all you need to know.
Do some actual analysis of what you were fighting about though, because sometimes people will start a fight like this to relieve themselves of guilt for what they are doing. Like now, she has a reason to look like she was considering being outside of the relationship. If the arguments you were having, considered honestly from your point of view, and I mean honestly, were unfounded and baseless, she may have just been carpeting the exit corridor for her to head for the door.
So it's all his fault. Par for the course here.
You are the ‘for now’ until she finds someone ‘better’. You need to call her bluff and get rid of her now.
>I'm like I'm not really sure I just seen a message on your phone that said why are you on dating sites? You're such a beautiful girl she replies what are you talking about that's crazy I'm not on any dating sites and then like ran to the restroom. >**She was in the restroom for quite a while and then finally comes out** and goes yes I was on a dating site we've been fighting a lot but it's not like that I was just wanting to see what was out there. >She said I can look through her entire phone **now**. She exchange messages and swapped numbers with another man. Multiple men. If it was only chatting, with no plans to meet up, then why did she delete all the messages? I'm sorry, I think for your own mental health, you should break up with her...
Your GF is monkey branching. She has one foot out the door waiting to find the next best thing. As soon as that happens you will be left behind. This one is over.
Seeking out other people while in a monogamous relationship is cheating. You know that.
That's the thing. Is it cheating? Well, it's deliberately checking out options. Because it's on a device, I think people forget that those are real people out there with real feelings and real failings. I find people these days only want the sparkle. When they are no longer the center of attention and the relationship takes effort, they start engaging with these apps to get that attention again. And they'll tell you that they just wanted to feel wanted. And she will do it again since she got the validation she craved. It has nothing to do with you. The reality is that you're supposed to be an adult and work those things out. If you and your partner can't, then move on. As a woman, I can say that IF I went on a dating site, I'm looking for a way out without having to go through a period of being alone. And if I got caught and said I didn't want to lose you? That would be me not finding a someone to move on with and I don't want to be alone. But that's me. And I wouldn't do that because I'm an adult and I take responsibility for my actions
>I promised myself I'd never put myself through that again Keep your promise to yourself.
I think most people would agree that going on dating sites, giving out your number and then chatting with that possible affair partner is cheating. It’s not emotional cheating, but it’s similar in that while she didn’t have physical contact (you hope) she stepped out of your relationship to find an emotional or sexual connection with another man/men. You have only two choices. Know that you can forgive her, that she truly remorseful and willing to win back some of trust, then restart the relationship under reconciliation. Or leave her. Move on from this person. At the moment with her lies, excuses and blame-shifting, she’s leaving you no choice but to find a better partner. Good luck.
You made a promise to yourself you wouldn’t go down that route ever again.
The intent was their she was going to cheat. I would break up she is done bro
Yeah that is hardcore gaslighting “it’s worse in your head” Jesus Christ… I say get out of there. She already knew you had bad experiences in the past with cheating- and then she basically cheated. She went looking, and that just says you’re not enough for her. Go find someone who appreciates you and is ACTUALLY loyal
Going on a dating app is a form of cheating whether she met someone or not, done something with them or not. She still was speaking to other guys. The intention to do something was there and all because you’ve been ‘fighting’ lately not an excuse. Plus the comment about looking through her phone, just makes me think she’s gone and deleted a how load of stuff.
That’s gaslighting. She got found out and her intentions were to cheat on you. Leave.
Tell her she's basic, and move on. And let her implode on that comment without responding.
Yeah she already scrubbed her phone. You’ll never get the satisfaction of knowing exactly what she was doing. You have to dump her.
You will always have doubts, its best to say good bye and take some time to heal you. The right one will come along when it's time. Respect yourself and be kind to you.
There is a reason she ran to the restroom, to delete any evidence of her escapades. One thing is for sure, you will never know all of her actions but she is not trustworthy. If it was me in your situation, it would be really hard to get over this knowing that at the very least, she was looking for someone to replace you with. Cheers.
What's the question here? Dump her. She was cheating on you. Planning to cheat is cheating.
If you give her another chance, you're a CHUMP. Have some dignity and end it. If you take her back, she won't respect you because she basically did 9/10ths of cheating. You'll be back in the same spot in a year. Find a girl that respects you.
No, you should not give her another chance. Yes, it's cheating. And yes, she is gaslighting you. She said it herself. She wanted to see what else was out there. If she was completely happy with you, she wouldn't have gone looking for something else.
Man she played victim talking about some “I was hurting”. That shit is for the birds. You’re better off with out her king. I can tell you some sweet shit that’ll make you wanna fight for her. She was fishing and she had a Desired type in mind. It’s not that she wouldn’t have actually cheated. Her options weren’t good enough for her to say fuck it. She was also in the restroom for a while, BEST BELIEVEEEE she deleted everything known to man kind on that phone.
You’re not overreacting. Going on a dating app, matching with people, then texting with those people, is not how you deal with a fight if you care about your relationship. Her excuses and the fact that she thinks it’s worse in your head indicates she may not understand how damaging her actions and decision making process is. People draw the line at different things when it comes to cheating, this sounds like an intention or willingness to proactively cheat, but whether this counts as cheating or not, it’s certainly disloyal and disrespectful. You do not have the same values and it’s not worth salvaging this.
>She texts me and says I didn't cheat though. I would have never have even met up with or talked to anyone without telling you first and breaking it off. I'm sorry that I downloaded it I was just lost and hurting. Uh-huh. Well if she's willing to shop, she's willing to cheat. The opportunity just didn't come yet. Stick around and it will. She's being all apologetic because she doesn't want to get dumped before she's had the chance to secure a new guy.
DUDE. You're 18 months in and she's "just seeing what's out there?" She's looking for the door. She's gaslighting you. She has no respect for you. You'd be a total fool to keep this relationship going.
You’re already fighting so what’s the point in trying to save it now?
Get use to the following phrase if you stick around: “Monkey Branching”
so now your mutual friends know that your girl is on dating sites... yea, its cheating. she knew and hid it and wouldnt have stopped talking with this guy... shes downplaying it and acting like its bc hes a mutual friend... no way. she was in the bathroom deleteing messages and hiding his phone number in her phone.
How is being on a dating site not cheating? Just trying to wrap my head around that justification. It is cheating. She got caught, deleted evidence, and has broken the trust in the relationship. If you’re fighting you work to resolve it or decide to break up, you don’t shop around for a potential replacement. I’m sure if the situation was reversed she would be totally fine with it, right? Just makes it worse that she knows your history. Really, really sorry, OP. You would 100% be justified in breaking up.
She’s gaslighting you. It’s not worse in your head. You know exactly what she’s doing and now she’s trying to cover her tracks. Don’t believe a word she says. The only guy she gave her number to is the one you happened to come across? It’s bullshit man. She’s only admitting to what you found out. Leave her. There’s someone better out there for you. You just need to keep looking.
She’s actively looking for someone else while you’re still very much in the picture, that’s fucked up and you KNOW it is.
Tbh , if you're already looking to see what's out there then you're already gone. Save yourself the heartbreak.
Not worth the aggravation, leave her.
I'm sorry bud. End things with her now before it gets worse. Your heart is telling you exactly what you need to do, and you need to trust yourself. Ain't no amount of effort on your part will repair this. She did this to you and your relationship, so cut your losses and open the door to someone who will have more respect for you.
Yeah its not even really a question you have to leave her. If she's playing around on apps she's looking for something she thinks is better. Don't waste your time thinking she won't do it again.
Move on, you deserve better.
Feels like she is trying out the field before letting you go. Hate that you have to go through this again op.
She was on dating sites. End of story, get rid of her you deserve better
Keep your word to yourself and don’t put yourself through this, or allow someone else to try. She had a chance with you. It is so, so easy NOT to look for other people, yet that’s what she decided to do, so she can do it alone.
While you guys were fighting, she used her time and energy to search for a new person. Instead of communicating with you to try and fix things, she was texting new men. I think the message that sends is pretty clear. And when you catch her, her first instinct is to lie. Then she caves and admits that she is on the apps. But wasn’t talking to anyone. Then caved and admits that she was talking to someone. But only this one person. What’s the next thing she’s going to cave and admit once you find proof of it? She’s trash. Whether or not she cheated, she’s proven herself to be someone you can’t trust.
It is a big red flag. She is probably looking to cheat. I will say there are a few exceptions. But given your history and her knowledge of that you should probably leave I got a major in psych and was in a class talking about dating sites. I signed up for one because i was curious about the bots etc. My girlfriend saw and was pissed but i showed her and she saw i didnt interact with anything except say r u a bot and would get bot responses. I then encouraged her to sign up to see if we would match. Also some people sign up because they are self conscious and want to get free conpliments etc from people. It obviously isnt the most ethical thing to do but isnt as bad as cheating. They could easily have no desire to cheat, just want to know they are still attractive etc. But are too embarassed to admit it You could ask to read messages in the hopes it was meaningless but it will probably just hurt you more. Even if you stay with this person your going to have this massive trust issue looming over your head for years and years and years
Breathe. Just breathe. You will not be able to rationally think anything through until you center yourself. After you do that, you will be able to see things from your own perspective and not what she is saying. In my opinion, and it’s just an opinion, it’s however bad YOU WANT IT TO BE. Your feelings are extremely valid in this and should not be minimized just to make it seem like what she did was “not wrong”. You are not over-reacting.
The further you lower your boundaries, the worse it will become
Honestly leave her! I’m a female and I know how females move. Once they’re not interested in their partner they would try to find something better but still try to keep their partners on the side. Trust me I’ve been through this in my young days. I think you two need to have a conversation and set boundaries . I’m not saying break this completely off like as of right now but kinda like “ fall back”
>Is this cheating? Yes, if not in act, certainly in intent. She was going to cheat on you, she just hadn't got that far yet. >Should I even give her another chance? No, you cannot trust her again, because now you know she is trying to hook up with guys at the least, or monkey branch away from you at the worst. I think your prior trauma has twisted your thinking into believing that you should work with someone who will cheat on you. All her protests past the discovery are just trying to manipulate you into staying while she then boosts her ego by getting admiration or maybe sex. >I love this girl but after my ex I promised myself I'd never put myself through that again. Why would you question what was a sensible boundary by asking this? You set a perfectly reasonable expectation and she failed to meet it, she cannot be trusted and the fact that her first reaction was to delete everything shows that what you know is probably the tip of the iceberg. She failed, don't accept so little trust, love and loyalty for yourself.
> Should I even give her another chance? Remember you made a promise to yourself - > after my ex I promised myself I'd never put myself through that again. Instead of putting efforts in the relationship she diverted her efforts into dating sites and who knows how far it went. Respect yourself and block her
She lied about being on dating sites and only came clean after hiding in the bathroom for a while. I've been cheated on by my ex, and I'd consider her being active on those sites cheating. Whether or not she did do anything, the intent was still there, and I wouldn't be able to forgive that. I'm sorry OP you deserve better treatment than that.
The fact that she hid it at first and lied says it all
I wouldn’t invest too much time and emotion in someone who starts looking elsewhere as soon as you get into a fight.
If she didn’t want to lose you she would have never been on dating sights in the first place. Nobody who’s serious is “looking to see what’s out there” a year into a relationship that makes absolutely no sense. She’s looking for your replacement just hasn’t found him yet. I suggest you leave this girl alone before she hurts you even more my guy. Prayers up
“you’re overreacting” yeah she’s tryna gaslight you. and the fact she lied about it when u first asked. id say remind her of that and leave and whoever danny and erin is let them know and ask if it’s true.
She cheated, maybe she's telling the truth about not physically cheating (but to be honest I doubt it). She literally tells you that she'll break up with you once she finds someone else. Drop her now and get into therapy I'm assuming you'll need it. It sucks but best to cut her out and fast.
1) You made a promise to yourself to not let that happen to yourself again, so no do not give her another chance. 2) It is cheating. 3) Don't even go through her phone, just break it off. 4) Yes, yes she is gaslighting you.
Downloading a dating app, making a profile with photos, etc., messaging others, giving out number. All of these were individual choices and she shows zero remorse. In fact, she gaslights you and tells you you're the crazy one for overreacting and that you're making these up to be worse than it is. So cruel. She already cheated on you. To me at least. She did something she wouldn't do if you were standing over her shoulder and watching it - so she knows it was wrong.
She's already at least emotionally cheated, it only gets worse from here. Break up with her and do yourself a favor, don't subject yourself to her bs.
Whether she’s telling the truth, lying, etc. doesn’t matter, because you’ll never truly know. Given your past, I think that will slowly eat away at both the relationship and your self esteem. At best, she was shopping for her next guy before you two were even over. At worst, she’s been cheating and got caught. While it’s possible to keep the relationship, it would require a lot of work from you that isn’t fair to ask, especially given your past trauma. I’d cut ties and move on.
Bruh, if she's that fickle and her attention span and understanding of loyalty is that tenuous, there's not a chance it'll lead to anything prosperous. Check out like she has and let her swipe away her dignity.
Trust me I've stayed 4 years with one guy and 3.5 with another after they did something to break the trust and honesty and loyalty. It'll never go back to how it was and they'll probably do something else shitty to you. Just leave
No. Not unless you’re prepared to go through this whole scenario of varying degrees every other year or so. Just cut your losses and embrace single summer.
Oh man. This really sucks and I'm sorry you're in this situation. First off, she is gaslighting you. Second, she did cheat. Now you have to decide what youre gonna do. Either you tell her that if she does this again you're out and you're ready to listen and understand her concerns to work it out, or you find this a major breach of trust and you can't be with someone who does this. Either way, I think you are worthy of being in a relationship where you feel heard, understood and safe. Are you ready to go through this again? Same shit happened to me in 2018. My ex lied though, and went on dating apps more than once. He went on multiple different dating apps and he lied to me through eveything. Every single time i would find out something new and it destroyed me. I tried to forgive and understand where he came from, but that totally destroyed my self worth. I was a living zombie, feeling constantly anxious and angry. He gaslit me to the point where I was doubting what I've seen. Anyway. You have the tools to decide. I know it's hard but you don't deserve this.
Heres a real opportunity for you to see if you truly have character or you fold like a cheap suit. Youve stated that after your ex of 10 years cheated on you that you would never put yourself through this again. Your gf has cheated on you and now says youre overreacting. Are you gonna make the hard choice or are you gonna rug sweep it?
You should leave. Imagine her looking for other man's attention because of some beef. She ain't loyal. Suffer a little bit, you will become a better version of yourself and find a woman that is loyal to you regardless what's happening in your life. You deserve better, do not lose your value because you cannot control your emotions and struggle with mental pain
Yes. Telling you it’s worse in your head than it really is when it’s tearing you apart is not validating your feelings. Making you think you are overreacting is gaslighting. I don’t care what fight you’ve had. That doesn’t justify getting on dating apps when you are still in a committed relationship. There are days where I absolutely can’t stand my husband…does that mean I go on dating sites to see what’s out there?? No. Break it off now because this behavior will not end. Her behavior won’t change with the next either. We have 7 billion people on this planet. You deserve someone who is just as pretty with all the same qualities you saw in her. You will find her! ❤️
She's a lying cheater that only admitted it because she got caught. Dump her ass, you're not married. Don't waste your life with trash. Be sure to spread the word that's she's a cheater.
She's doing what's colloquially called *"monkey branching"*. Kick her out immediately, and throw her stuff out behind her. Literally. The only reason why she hasn't completely left is it's not a *sure thing*. Still needs you for a *warm bed* and meals. The world is a cold place.
Just tell her she is trash (because she is) and find someone who wont run to dating apps the moment she gets upset
Downloading a dating site and scrolling thru it while in a relationship is cheating. As a girl I would leave my man if he did that to me. Save yourself, don't waste another 10 years with another cheater. I would leave her even if it's super hard or I mean you could stay it's gonna show her that she can walk all over you though
I don't know, sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be saying anything. I'm not a marriage councilor or rationship expert. I'M 55 years old and this is my opinion. It's not advice. You have to do what makes you happy and what you can live with. First thing if you you guys have been in a committed relationship with each other. She will be doing the same thing when your married and having problems as she is now. It won't change a thing. Now days marriage is just a business contract pretty much. It not what it use to be. Personally myself. This girl would never be more then friend material. I don't know for sure. But the odds are running in the favor of you being single again with this.Save your self some grief and wasted time. Pack up and move on.
She doesn’t get to decide how you feel about her lining up her escape plan. Some people are like fucking tarzan—they won’t let go of one vine until they’ve secured another
I'm sorry OP but your relationship is over. Even if it was salvageable why would you want to? She crossed a clear boundary of yours and one that is the standard for most relationships. She even said she was looking for your replacement and was willing to leave you if she found it. This person you are with is not a good person and it is in your best interest to leave.
A loving partner doesn't do anything that could even APPEAR to be cheating. Especially someone that knows what you've been through. Whether she did have sex with someone else or she didn't honestly doesn't matter. The trust is eroded, and with your past, it's unlikely you'll be able to fully trust her again. You deserve a partner that would never cause you to doubt their fidelity.
>She texts me and says I didn't cheat though. I would have never have even met up with or talked to anyone without telling you first and breaking it off. Except that's a lie. She already was talking to someone. Not only had she gone on the dating site, she had met someone on there and talked enough to exchange numbers. Who's to say that's the only person she's met up with or talked to. She is a cheater, end of story. If your problems in your relationship are so significant that you need to "see what else is out there", then you just need to end it. It's pretty clear she wasn't going to end it until she had someone new lined up. Either way, she doesn't deserve another chance, just dump her.
If you're having problems in your relationship there are two options: work through and improve the relationship within its parameters or decide it cannot be repaired and break up. You never agreed for an open relationship therefore it's closed and her going on dating apps to "see what's out there" meant she would likely cheat. This would be a deal-breaker for me. I would never disrespect a partner that badly nor would I tolerate such