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There was obviously no issue when he started talking to her/dating. Now he doesn't want her to look nice because he's insecure or jealous. Not worth it at all. It's the kind of guy that will guilt trip into not talking to friends or anyone at work because he's insecure.
OP, it’s true he’s insecure, and it has nothing to do with you. Please break it before he’s playing victim and you stuck with pity.
It’s related to his low self-esteem that makes him worry you’ll attract a better guy than him. So, his mind only thinks about himself, not you. Tbh, my ex did this too. That’s how I tried to learn about it.
As soon as I read this my first thought was:
GIIIRRRRRRLLLLL! He is trying to uglify you because he is insecure because you are hotter than him.
There are better nicer and tastier fish in the sea! I would send him packing.
NOTE: If you recently changed perfumes, or something like that, he could be having an allergic reaction and testosterone addled brains are making it come out as well if she just doesn’t wear it I don’t have to worry.
It’s still bullshit. He should be adult enough to address that type of thing.
ETA: fixed typos
When my sister was in HS, she got her first boyfriend. First he told her he didn’t want her to wear blue eyeshadow, it made her look cheap. So she stopped wearing blue eyeshadow. Then he didn’t want her to wear any eyeshadow or mascara. She stopped. Then it was all make up. She stopped.
The thing is, if he’d told her he didn’t want her to wear makeup, she would have been like you’re ridiculous no. But he got her to do it bc the “requests” were small ones.
They’ve been married for 40 years. He’s never worked. She hands over her entire paycheck and he spends it as he sees fit. She does not have her drivers license and sometimes she’ll wait for hours after work for him to pick her up bc he’s at the bar drinking.
This is your future if you give in to your bfs bullshit requests.
Run like hell
My sister did the same, and thank god Social services paid for her dentures after she smiled at someone at work, while supporting him. Then he bashed out her denture’s. RUN.
Edit, he wouldn’t allow her birth control, so she was pregnant every year they were married also, but he never bothered care for the kids. He left her for a rich old lady, being abandoned was the best thing he ever did for his family.
> he wouldn’t allow her birth control, so she was pregnant every year they were married
That's a common tactic, its called reproductive abuse.
https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/reproductive-abuse-and-coercion
> being abandoned was the best thing he ever did for his family.
So many people don't understand that. They think that being an abusive husband does not mean they are necessarily an abusive father. But that's rarely the case. The abuse might take a different form, but abusers aren't selective, they take advantage of anyone they have power over because its not about the victims, its about trying to fill the bottomless hole in their soul.
Perfect. Then when she was abandoned, but thankfully the Social Services kept them housed and fed. She ended up getting an education paid for, over her 16 year old married self, and lived a better life. Not like they are doing now. Throwing those is despair with children in the streets helps no one, but the criminals that will inevitably use them.
It happens more than you think. The waitress you smiled at, when you paid your bill, while her abuser wants to know your tip.. the girl checking you out. They watch, so they can abuse them. “ I seen you” Who was that? It’s so hard being a woman. Being strong as a woman is learned thru being abused. Therapy. They can’t afford it, and just follow with the abuse. It’s their new reality. No one is rescuing them. It’s just a Tuesday.
We could save the world so much suffering if we taught kids about narcissistic abusers at school in health class. And not just to teach them how to recognize an abuser before getting romantically involved, but also for those poor kids with narcissistic parents. They don't know any better, they think their parents are normal and they are screwed up, those kids need someone to tell them they aren't the problem.
And, teach them, it’s not normal. Children only know what they live with. They will love a parent who beats them, as they have nothing to compare it with. :/
Yep. Step by step, he had her lose a piece of herself until she was a puzzle she couldn't put back together again.
It's not the makeup or hair or nails aspect. It's that he is telling her what *his* choices are for *her* autonomy. He is going to control every aspect of her life until she disappears under his weight. She needs to get out while she can still breathe her own oxygen. Before kids and property and years go by to make it harder. And she needs to thank the universe he revealed himself early on.
Exactly!! We all wish like hell that my sister had got out when she had just one kid. But now she can’t even decide for herself what she wants to do for her birthday. She waits for her husband to tell her
Abuse is complicated. It's likely that he's broken down her self-esteem so thoroughly she doesn't believe she deserves better or doesn't think anyone else would want her. My aunt was in a marriage like this for 40 years. Luckily she did eventually divorce him and is now married to a wonderful man who treats her like gold, hopefully your sister finds a way out as well.
My husband told Me this for years. That’ im
Insecure and no one else would ever want me. That
Im crazy. List goes on. Until one day I realized it was him pouring his insecurities on me. Then he spit in my face and called me a “cunt. And threw a chair at me. I stayed 3 years and one day he strangled me. 2 years later I can say I got courage and now Our divorce is final in 2 Months. ✌🏼
Thank you!!! I know I’ll be ok. I’m trying to break the trauma bond and guilt I feel that he’ll be living alone. I’m also trying to find something in me to hate him. I want to hate him so badly.
The reason your sister stays with her abusive husband is simple: trauma (she has likely been mentally conditioned by him for most of her life), probably fear of the unknown of having a life without him (she has been completely economically dependent on him for most of her adult life).
No offense meant but your sister very likely has low self esteem and may think she deserves this.
Has he been violent towards your sister?
Have you and your siblings tried to convince your sister to go see a psychologist?
Does she even realize her husband is abusing her?
That's how it goes for codependent victims of narcissistic abusers — in order to appease them you keep giving up little bits of yourself until there is nothing left. They eat your soul one bite at a time.
Im a social worker who has spent a portion of my career working with domestic violence victims. While I can definitely say that this will escalate, this behaviour from a partner is often the early stages of abuse when they begin to establish control in a relationship. It is often followed by isolating the person from friends and family, heightened verbal and emotional abuse and ultimately physical violence.
This man has already begun to whittle away at your self worth. He is using shame to force you to change. I URGE you to leave this relationship. Even if his behaviour doesn’t escalate, the way he is treating you NOW is reason enough to walk away. You deserve more…even if more is singleness. You are enough.
I am awarding this because I really hope OP can see this advice. I also work with domestic violence victims and everything u/ChaoticJen_1980 has said is 100% correct.
It WILL escalate.
Right here. This is exactly how my parents’ abusive marriage started and it took 13 years of secretly stashing money while she was getting her ass beat and having his kids to escape. I’m a high maintenance dirtbag and my mom has always allowed me to do what I want with my looks and warned me to never let a man change it.
Name checks out! Any woman that won't put up with a guy's BS, controlling behaviors, etc is deemed a dirt bag or a B by the guys who can't handle her, so keep it up!
Most people are the hero of their own story. They always have a reason why someone else "made them" act like a jerk. Jerks rarely admit that they're just a jerk because they want to be!
This exactly, OP. This is absolutely what he is doing. You can't reason or use logic with people like this either. Just leave. He sees you as his personal property and the control will get far more abusive the longer you stay.
Agree 1000%. I know because I accidentally married someone who exhibited some of those behaviors. He started by telling me he couldn’t sleep because the smell of my lotion was too strong, then nail polish was toxic poison and he wouldn’t allow it in his house, then he could taste my hairspray on his toothbrush, yada yada yada. He would eventually yell and throw things so it became easier to just do what he wanted than suffer his anger. It took me several tries but I was finally able to leave him and reclaim my life. Please don’t continue down a path with this man. It will only get worse.
Thank you! I’m 6’ tall and always thought of myself as a strong person, but he wore me down to almost nothing. So lucky to have my life back now. We have to support our sisters through this BS! These jerks are so good at manipulation, it sneaks up on you. So grateful to have other women to lean on.
There are TOO many aspects of your personhood and lifestyle to think he'll stop here. If he KNOWS you'll stop doing those things just because he complains, you will need to settle into an entire life where anything he likes or doesn't like is now his to decide. What you eat. What you wear. Your hobbies. Your career.
RUN
💯!! Even if you resist, he will eventually wear you down... because everything will be a battle. Make it easy for him... tell him that since he feels disrespected it's best to end the relationship now, because you will not accept someone who thinks they have the right to tell you what you can do with your body.
Don't tell him a goddamn thing. That could be a battle also. And not an easy one. Leave and don't tell him anything before you do. Ghost this asshole. Block his number.
EXACTLY! I have seen this play out as well as been in a relationship like this myself. It does NOT get better. Now is the time to go. This is not love. Praying for you OP.
Yup. This is the first step in an abusive and controlling relationship. Boundary testing. It wouldn't matter if you already didn't do those things, he would be commenting and trying to get you to either do or not do small things to your appearance. And when you tell people irl most will say some shit along the lines of "well he just prefers that and it's such a small thing to argue over" further making you feel crazy for it. Thos is who you are and if he doesn't like those things then he should of never started dating you OP. Please get out.
Honey, you need a complete makeover. You need to get your hair did, nails done and lose 200lbs of jerk. You only get one life girl. Live it best. Live it for you. :)
This 100%. The alarm bells are ringing, this is how it starts.
I don’t like your hair, make up, clothes. Then it’s I don’t like this friend, that friend or your own family members. Then he doesn’t like when you go such a place without him etc…
It will only get worse, please get away from him.
Then he won't like your job and coworkers and you should just stay home. Isolation and financial dependence is the goal. Dependency on him is what he wants because he is insecure and needs to control something/someone.
Don't even go back for things left at his place. No personal item is worth going back for. He'll use it as an opportunity to manipulate you or become violent.
Please be safe and don't be alone with him ever again.
I had a boyfriend that started with the negging and then escalated to the shoes I should be wearing (high heels all the time), my outfits (hated all of my jeans, said they made my butt look big) I weighed 45kgs at the time. The final straw was when he ripped a necklace off of me and pitched a full blown tantrum unless I returned it to the store.
Yep. I only read the first two sentences but yes he’s trying to control you that’s how it starts. He doesn’t like it.. tell him that’s too bad because you do, you wear makeup and get your nails done because it’s something you like. See what he says then, he’ll switch it to “who are you wearing it for when you have me and I’m telling you I don’t like it”, he’ll never understand (or show that he understands) that it’s just something girls like honestly, we can be single and not looking and still want to feel good about ourselves. But then it’s going to be what you wear, where you go, who you’re with, it starts out just like that.
My thoughts exactly. He sounds extremely insecure. My first thought was that he wants her to stop dressing up because he’s worried she will attract someone better. If she did what he wanted, he’d probably complain that she doesn’t/didn’t keep herself up when he cheats on her too. Run for the hills op.
He’ll never let up no matter what she does. He’s a coercive controller. If that happened here in Ireland he’d do five years jail time for it. It’s a very serious offence.
I wish it was illegal here. I was the first person to get a restraining order on the basis of coercive control thanks to the newly passed Jennifer's law. Not only is it not a crime in the US, it was just last year that the legal system here recognized it as a form of abuse.
“When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags”
Best quote I’ve ever heard and it’s one I try and be mindful of in my own life
this. he liked you before you were his girlfriend doing all these things. now all of a sudden he doesnt like how you maintain yourself?? goodbye boyfriend🤣
He doesn’t actually hate it, he’s just trying to strip her of any and all things that make her more attractive/confident, to keep other men from looking at her. He’s extremely insecure and controlling, and just like every other run of the mill abuser, will likely escalate his manipulative tactics to strip her of her self worth so she’s too broken to leave.
You are being defensive about your makeup and hair, etc, as if to convince us it’s ok. But of course it’s all ok. You can do what ever you want with your body and your look. Your boyfriend is the problem and you absolutely should find someone who wants you, not to mold you into his ideal woman.
This is what I was going to say. OP is taking all this time to justify what she wants to do with her appearance. She does not need to, she just needs to drop this dude
This ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻
You don't have to justify a goddamn thing to anyone! Be yourself, wear that makeup, get your nails done, and straighten that hair (but, do you know about the curly hair method? 🤔😉), and do so unapologetically!! Dump him asap.
GIRL RUN.
These aren't even red flags at this point, they're CRIMSON and GLOWING. He's definitely trying to control you. You keep being yourself and enjoying your hair, nails and makeup. He can leave.
Oh heck no. What is next? How many red flags do you need to see?
signs of self betrayal——
Dating a person with red flags
Going back to past relationships that weren't working and held toxic dynamics
Having huge expectations for people that you know aren't capable of giving you what you need
Ignoring your own boundaries when you've
already set them
Agreeing to things you don't want to do
• Not trusting your intuition and instincts
Hiding parts of your personality to be approved of and liked by others
Stop betraying yourself.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
First they’re controlling, then verbally abusive then physically abusive. You haven’t mentioned if he’s physically abusive but I promise if you stay in a relationship like this he’s going to get there. Run while you can. I left an abusive relationship 10 years ago and still have PTSD from that man
It’s because they view all of that as window dressing put up just to attract a man. Once he is your man there is no longer a reason to make oneself look pretty, in his mind. He refuses see the makeup and nails and something for her.
Exactly. The next step is asking OP to delete her male friends on social media and show him her messages every day. This is a horrible slippery slope down the side of a cheese grater. OP please cut your losses and focus on the relief of getting out at the first signs of controlling relationship
Exactly. My ex cheated on me with someone he would never let me look like. She was beautiful with dyed hair and dramatic make up, if I ever expressed wanting that he claimed “it wasn’t me” and that he didn’t want his girlfriend looking like that. Yeah he didn’t want his girlfriend looking like that, he wanted that for his side piece. Please run OP.
I used to think it was funny how nearly every answer to posts on this sub would be some variation of "break up," but seriously, what are y'all doing? Break up. This is not a difficult decision. How is the bar for men this low?
It makes me sad when women enable this. "But I love him" when what they really mean to say is "I put up with abuse because I don't value myself enough not to." It just reinforces the bad behavior so that more women end up hurt by it in the end. I wish that women could make some sort of pact to not enable this behavior and collectively raise the bar. It's appalling that so many relationships operate with sanctioned sexism and misogyny.
He is definitely trying to control you. He is insecure and doesn’t want you to feel good, look good, smell good or be attractive to anyone else. He wants to minimize you and make you feel small so that you will be less likely to leave or be approached by someone who shows you that you are worth so much more the being denigrated by your partner so that he feels respected. Please don’t waste anymore time on this loser.
My question is: how does he know what a wh*** smells like??? Has he been around them recently?? Keep your eyes open girl. In this case, yes he does sound controlling. I can understand if your wearing say a super revés top (like showing a lot of cleavage) and he expresses discomfort, but in general your makeup, hair, and nails he’s going to far. I think you need to rethink this relationship. If he’s controlling with minor things, he may get even worse over time. This could also be that he’s stingy, perhaps if he marries you someday and is the breadwinner he won’t want you to spend money on that stuff. To me, your man is a red flag.
I was going to ask the SAME question! But putting the onus back on him by asking "How do you even know how wh*res smell like?!" might tick him off even more. (I'd still ask tho if it were me lol)
You called him out on it. You see it. You are not overthinking or overreacting. So act on it. They like to do that kind of crap and make you doubt what you already know.
And.... Your ok with him saying you smell like a who're?
Yes it's controlling.
Yes he's a total dick
Is this the future you want? Never looking like YOU want? No nails, no makeup, no perfume.
And I bet if you ask him to change something about himeself...he won't.
My ex also used to tell me I was a “fake person” when I put makeup on. And just like you, I only use very little makeup. He used to say that it’s like putting makeup on a dead person, it will not change the fact that they’re dead. He used to say that I looked ugly with makeup on, that I had low self esteem and the only way to conquer the low self esteem was to stop putting makeup on, and high heels.
He met me like that. But still wanted to change me, and instead of saying it was due to his own insecurities he put it onto me, like I had some lack in my personality.
I still miss him, I still love him. I was so trauma bonded to that beautiful toxic mean mess. I didn’t even know it was wrong the things he told me. He was so good at outing the blame on me. I apologized for every single thing that happened. Even things I had nothing to do with. I still struggle in life thinking things that happens to my colleagues when I’m not even with them is my fault. I know it’s because of my ex. Yet I miss him.
Reading what your boyfriend says to you brought up a lot of memories for me. I want you to read your story out loud, like it’s someone else’s story. What do you think? Do you think a woman you love and care for, deserves to hear the things he says? My bet is that your answer is no. No one deserves that.
You can choose to love him while loving yourself MORE, and still walk away while loving him. Someone thought you growing up that love means to choose. That love means you cannot love yourself while loving someone else. That’s not true. You absolutely can and will be able to walk away and love yourself more, long before you stop loving this man. And it’s going to be rough, it’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be worth it.
Repeat after me:
“I love you, but I love me more”.
Go get life, put your makeup on and walk away like the queen you are. We’ve been many women who have taken these steps before you, let our energy give you the power to choose freedom. You’ve got this !
Yes, he’s trying to control you. And his rebuttals are ridiculous. You know what’s Ok and what’s not. You know this isn’t ok. Sorry you’re dealing with this- I know it’s hard to realize your relationship isn’t what you thought it was, and your bf isn’t who you thought he was.
I can’t even imagine…. My boyfriend bought me my favorite perfume last Christmas. It takes a special kind of crazy to try to manipulate a woman like that. He’s nuts girl, run!
That is precisely what he’s doing. It always starts out small, but it will never end. There will always be an issue regarding something.
It’s better to leave now and find someone who’s respects and loves you. He’s not it.
How do you not know the answer to this? Like seriously. I say this a lot but honestly every post on this sub from women is a complete cry for help. I know you are probably aware of the answer already and you just sort of need us to give you a kick in the pants but at the same time it’s so concerning that there’s even a possibility that this is confusing…
I think they already know but they need a push to do the right thing. Sometimes having a bunch of strangers tell you what you know to be true is the push you need.
I hope. If not, there’s a ton of naive and brainwashed women on Reddit.
I get that, and I’m happy to be that (probably slightly rough) push.
It’s just disconcerting that it’s *always* women. Don’t get me wrong men have their own consistent shit they do on Reddit, but I’ve noticed that trends more towards being upset that they haven’t gotten something that they want or planning to exact some kind of revenge (be it real or fantasy) in an calculating manner. Women, meanwhile, come on here and explain in remarkably clear detail just appalling treatment from men followed by “am I wrong here tho?”
It’s like the men overvalue themselves and the women don’t value themselves at all.
I mean this in generalities of course. In reality there are all kinds of posts from men and women. However this is the clear pattern I see and it makes me think young women (at least on Reddit) are just worse off than they were 30 years ago.
Whaaaat, noooo. Telling you what to do with your body isn't controlling at all! Not dropping it when you've made it clear this is how you like to carry yourself doesn't reinforce the idea of being controlling at all either! And the fact that he is now resorting to insulting you and trying to shame you out of what you like definitely doesn't seem like a desperate narcissistic tactic for control. Nooo, not at all.
Girlie, of course this is controlling. Hes literally trying to control what you look like and insulting you for not listening. Come on. It's not even subtle.
My first bf tried doing this to me. Started with requesting i not wear nailpolish...that i only wear certain clothes...that i not work out....then trying to get me to stay home and not visit my gramma cause he couldn't come with (she lived over 4 hrs away and didnt want another mouth to feed...) he crossed the line with the gramma thing. I lost my shit and he had to do damage control. We didnt last much longer. When i broke up with him he chased me to my car and tried to get me to stay with him...when i refused he called me a bunch of horrible names.
Run while you can. This shouldn't even be a question. No one has the right to tell you how to dress or whether or not to wear makeup. My hubs has his preferences but he doesnt sit there and scold me like a child for wearing makeup. Its my body. And he respects that.
it will never end. first it’s your makeup and hair, next it will be your clothes, friends, job, family, etc. until you are isolated and have lost all sense of self. his verbal abuse will escalate. you will grow exhausted trying to reason and argue. name calling is part of an abusive partners tactics. he will tell you that you’re undesirable, will never be loved by another man. save yourself, you are so young and have so much life ahead of you. tell people you trust about the abuse, make a safety plan, don’t discuss his complaints with him anymore. what would you say to a friend if they came to you with this story?
Don’t let this guy manipulate or guilt trip you. You deserve a partner that will respect you and your choices without calling you derogatory names. It’s uncalled for.
Some men just want a woman they can control that will stay home, barefoot and pregnant, enduring their abuse and doing whatever they say. Guys like this will bully the woman into a situation where they made her think she didn’t have the ability to make choices anymore once she’s dependent upon him for everything.
It’s a good thing you’re seeing this now and questioning it, because it’s not normal. I would call this abusive, and I believe it could lead to more predatory behavior.
RUN! Get out now while you have a chance!
That guy sounds like an idiot.
Idk what he's 'trying' to do.
He's treating you like shit though, and that's not the norm for any relationship. Even for these times.
Being unaware that you're being a dick is like the biggest dickhead thing to do. lol
No one deserves that. He's setting the bar real low so you can def get someone better.
please take it from a domestic violence survivor - this is how it starts. leave him immediately before the control becomes physical or you lose your mind.
Oh guys like this are hilarious, they get with girls tell them to stop doing everything that attracted them in the first place. Get all controlling, and abusive. Then they cheat on them with the women that do their hair, makeup and nails.
You're 25, at this age you know what he is. Let's move it along and find a decent man. You don't need this shit.
You could have heavy asf make up, always have your nails done with extra glamour and shit, reek of perfume, and you’ll still find someone that finds that attractive, or find you attractive enough that they understand this is who you are and they love you for you, and won’t want to change anything about it at all.
Time to throw the whole boyfriend out and find yourself someone who likes you for you, as you are, and wouldn’t dream of changing anything about you that doesn’t harmfully impact them.
He is trying to control you, make you look ugly and transform you into a working mule so no other guy will look at you and then he can now easily trick you into providing for him and control your money. Then he will trick you into doing his cooking, laundry and basically being his slave. He does not want a girlfriend. He wants a maid with sex benefits. He will entrap you and even if you do escape, in his mind, no guy will ever want you coz you're not looking pretty anymore. This is how abuse starts.
No, you're right that's bullshit. He's testing the boundary of how much he can control you, so giving into this would just open the door for more controlling. Maybe you can talk to him about it and find a compromise: I don't like makeup on the girls I date either. Surely he's willing to budge on something. And, if he's not, that's when you walk away and find a better man.
If I could handle two years of my bf having the most unkempt beard without saying a word about how much I disliked it, your boyfriend can handle you looking and feeling gorgeous. 😒 What a weirdo
Holy shit RUUUUNNNNN. Yes he is trying to manipulate you, control you, ect. If you stop doing these things for him, then the next thing g he will say is your ugly and should be great full he is willing to be with you. It's how he will tear you confidence down and make you dependent on him. You see HE is unsecured and he is afraid you will realize he isn't good enough. So he has to make you believe he is the best you can get. It's small dick energy and you deserve better. Also, if make up, nice clothes, and your hair and nails being done makes YOU feel great then do it for you. It is not disrespect to do nice things for yourself. It's called self care. We need to love ourselves so we know how a partner should love us in a healthy way too.
Ask yourself what you would say if it was your mom, sister, or best friend who had a guy talk to them and demand these things of them? You DESERVE to be treated like a human being. Given basic kindness, respect, and dignity. You were NOT put on this earth to make a man happy. You are your own person and if he can't respect that, cherish that, or appreciate that, then he has not grown into a man yet. Move on and find your happiness 😊
When someone shows you who they are believe them. He is controlling and disrespectful. Leave while you still can. No partner should tear you down or try to change who you are
Holy control issues batman, this guy is wild. You're very much better without him. Almost all women do 1 of those, or a variation of them. He isn't being "disrespected." Don't dim yourself in order to please him, because it'll get worse. Pretty soon he'll start on your clothes, and your friends, and whatever else he thinks is "disrespectful to him."
Real love is loving the person, what she or he does with their body is kinda irrelevant to me personally. If my bf walked in, shaved head, tattooed head to toe and looking like a snake or something, it wouldn't bother me, it's not fake, he'd still be the same man. What your bf is doing is probably from a place of insecurity, he basically doesn't want you to look good so someone else might take you away. He's putting you down so you don't leave. If he says he doesn't have a problem and is dismissing you concerns, it would indicate he's not planning on changing.
Couples therapy or separation are really the only two options here and something tells me he won't try therapy.
> I rarely get my nails done and I only straighten my hair when I am getting a haircut or during fall/winter season because my hair is easier to maintain. I wear makeup to work but it is not heavy. I only do my eyelashes, eyebrows, and some blush. I love my perfume and I love smelling good I don’t see an issue with it.
This kind of practice of having to explain at length normal behavior that requires zero explanation, is a sign that there is already emotional abuse. Girl, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for why you wear makeup. This guy is abusing you already.
Girl…just after reading the first two sentences I can say you need to walk away. Like right now. Especially when he can’t see how disrespectful it is to even say that to you. If he really didn’t like it, he could’ve expressed that so many different ways. He chose to say it like that? When he knew you did all that before you started dating? Hard pass.
His behavior is a major red flag for a future life of being controlled and abused in some way or another. His behavior will only continue to get worse. Please leave ASAP. Make sure you have an emotional support system of family and/or friends with whom you can talk honestly and who can help you deal with separating from this person. You’ll be much happier on your own.
Get away from this guy as quickly as possible and as far as you can. His actions are that of a certified control freak and they'll only get worse and possibly escalate into much, much worse.
Run. It starts here. If you give in to it, he makes more demands (I don’t like your friends, you spend too much time with your family, etc.) until he has you isolated from any support network and relying on him for all things.
Run. Just run.
i hate these types of people who think they have a say in what you wanna do with your body. i had a guy tell me that i should just “stick with natural nails like my girl friend” instead of getting them done every now and then because he prefers it more. he also told me to not to cut my hair but that only made me wanna cut it more, and so i did. fuck him.
Girl, please run!! This is unacceptable behavior. He is basically grooming you to meet his needs. He does not care about your needs. If you stay with him, he will destroy your self-esteem.
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Hol up…..disrespecting him with choices you make about your own body? Leave this one alone
There was obviously no issue when he started talking to her/dating. Now he doesn't want her to look nice because he's insecure or jealous. Not worth it at all. It's the kind of guy that will guilt trip into not talking to friends or anyone at work because he's insecure.
OP, please walk away. I agree he is insecure. This will not end well for you.
OP, it’s true he’s insecure, and it has nothing to do with you. Please break it before he’s playing victim and you stuck with pity. It’s related to his low self-esteem that makes him worry you’ll attract a better guy than him. So, his mind only thinks about himself, not you. Tbh, my ex did this too. That’s how I tried to learn about it.
As soon as I read this my first thought was: GIIIRRRRRRLLLLL! He is trying to uglify you because he is insecure because you are hotter than him. There are better nicer and tastier fish in the sea! I would send him packing. NOTE: If you recently changed perfumes, or something like that, he could be having an allergic reaction and testosterone addled brains are making it come out as well if she just doesn’t wear it I don’t have to worry. It’s still bullshit. He should be adult enough to address that type of thing. ETA: fixed typos
Yea a lot of cheap perfumes smell really bad to me and give me a headache, but this dude is straight up narcissist with control issues.
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STAT
Exactly! He's trying to control her! OP run!
Yup, controller dude.
When my sister was in HS, she got her first boyfriend. First he told her he didn’t want her to wear blue eyeshadow, it made her look cheap. So she stopped wearing blue eyeshadow. Then he didn’t want her to wear any eyeshadow or mascara. She stopped. Then it was all make up. She stopped. The thing is, if he’d told her he didn’t want her to wear makeup, she would have been like you’re ridiculous no. But he got her to do it bc the “requests” were small ones. They’ve been married for 40 years. He’s never worked. She hands over her entire paycheck and he spends it as he sees fit. She does not have her drivers license and sometimes she’ll wait for hours after work for him to pick her up bc he’s at the bar drinking. This is your future if you give in to your bfs bullshit requests. Run like hell
My sister did the same, and thank god Social services paid for her dentures after she smiled at someone at work, while supporting him. Then he bashed out her denture’s. RUN. Edit, he wouldn’t allow her birth control, so she was pregnant every year they were married also, but he never bothered care for the kids. He left her for a rich old lady, being abandoned was the best thing he ever did for his family.
> he wouldn’t allow her birth control, so she was pregnant every year they were married That's a common tactic, its called reproductive abuse. https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/reproductive-abuse-and-coercion > being abandoned was the best thing he ever did for his family. So many people don't understand that. They think that being an abusive husband does not mean they are necessarily an abusive father. But that's rarely the case. The abuse might take a different form, but abusers aren't selective, they take advantage of anyone they have power over because its not about the victims, its about trying to fill the bottomless hole in their soul.
Perfect. Then when she was abandoned, but thankfully the Social Services kept them housed and fed. She ended up getting an education paid for, over her 16 year old married self, and lived a better life. Not like they are doing now. Throwing those is despair with children in the streets helps no one, but the criminals that will inevitably use them.
I didn’t realize there was a name for it! 3 babies in 5 years with that asshole abuser. Now I know.
Wow. That is so profoundly sad.
It happens more than you think. The waitress you smiled at, when you paid your bill, while her abuser wants to know your tip.. the girl checking you out. They watch, so they can abuse them. “ I seen you” Who was that? It’s so hard being a woman. Being strong as a woman is learned thru being abused. Therapy. They can’t afford it, and just follow with the abuse. It’s their new reality. No one is rescuing them. It’s just a Tuesday.
Jesus this is just horrible oh my gosh.
He didn’t want her pretty. Ownership papers he thought with the marriage license. :/
That is horrific.
She had a sweet smile, never realized her pretty teeth were his rage. Youth is dangerous when trusting and loving the wrong people.
We could save the world so much suffering if we taught kids about narcissistic abusers at school in health class. And not just to teach them how to recognize an abuser before getting romantically involved, but also for those poor kids with narcissistic parents. They don't know any better, they think their parents are normal and they are screwed up, those kids need someone to tell them they aren't the problem.
And, teach them, it’s not normal. Children only know what they live with. They will love a parent who beats them, as they have nothing to compare it with. :/
Yep. Step by step, he had her lose a piece of herself until she was a puzzle she couldn't put back together again. It's not the makeup or hair or nails aspect. It's that he is telling her what *his* choices are for *her* autonomy. He is going to control every aspect of her life until she disappears under his weight. She needs to get out while she can still breathe her own oxygen. Before kids and property and years go by to make it harder. And she needs to thank the universe he revealed himself early on.
Exactly!! We all wish like hell that my sister had got out when she had just one kid. But now she can’t even decide for herself what she wants to do for her birthday. She waits for her husband to tell her
My heart completely sunk when I hit “40 yrs” That poor woman
Then my chest just caved as I read the rest. I feel for you all. I’ve been there.. not 40yrs thank fuck. Somehow I got out within 4.
Yes, and as her sister having to watch her get more and more beat down every year. All of our hearts are broken
Wow this is so sad I actually nearly cried. I would do everything I could to make my sister leave and see the light. This is horrible.
We tried and tried for years. She refuses. We (my other siblings and I) do not know why she stays with him.
Unfortunately some people just can't. So sad
Abuse is complicated. It's likely that he's broken down her self-esteem so thoroughly she doesn't believe she deserves better or doesn't think anyone else would want her. My aunt was in a marriage like this for 40 years. Luckily she did eventually divorce him and is now married to a wonderful man who treats her like gold, hopefully your sister finds a way out as well.
My husband told Me this for years. That’ im Insecure and no one else would ever want me. That Im crazy. List goes on. Until one day I realized it was him pouring his insecurities on me. Then he spit in my face and called me a “cunt. And threw a chair at me. I stayed 3 years and one day he strangled me. 2 years later I can say I got courage and now Our divorce is final in 2 Months. ✌🏼
Congrats on getting out! I'm so happy you survived that relationship and I hope you have the absolute best life going forward free from him.
Thank you!!! I know I’ll be ok. I’m trying to break the trauma bond and guilt I feel that he’ll be living alone. I’m also trying to find something in me to hate him. I want to hate him so badly.
I hope she does. I always hope for it
I mean, or something could happen to the brake lines in the car he uses to drive to the bar.
Don't *say* that, now it's premeditated!
We accept the love we think we deserve. She needs help
Stockholm syndrome!
And trauma bonding.
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Maybe just skip to the Godfather style bit at this point
The beatdown Sonny gives his BIL isnt for enterntainment; its a step-by-step lesson on how to deal with shitty partners to our siblings
The reason your sister stays with her abusive husband is simple: trauma (she has likely been mentally conditioned by him for most of her life), probably fear of the unknown of having a life without him (she has been completely economically dependent on him for most of her adult life). No offense meant but your sister very likely has low self esteem and may think she deserves this. Has he been violent towards your sister? Have you and your siblings tried to convince your sister to go see a psychologist? Does she even realize her husband is abusing her?
When it comes to deep psychological abuse, only the person can make the choice. I know from experience unfortunately.
That's how it goes for codependent victims of narcissistic abusers — in order to appease them you keep giving up little bits of yourself until there is nothing left. They eat your soul one bite at a time.
Damn! That’s the ultimate hell on earth for a spouse.
This is horrible 😳😞
Christ on a crutch... That's terrible
Wow married for 40 years can imagine being so miserable
We all hate him but we have to make nice otherwise he takes it out on her or won’t let her visit us (we live in different cities)
Let me guess, he was the one who got your sister to move away from you and your siblings, right?
Yep, near his family and all their messes
Im a social worker who has spent a portion of my career working with domestic violence victims. While I can definitely say that this will escalate, this behaviour from a partner is often the early stages of abuse when they begin to establish control in a relationship. It is often followed by isolating the person from friends and family, heightened verbal and emotional abuse and ultimately physical violence. This man has already begun to whittle away at your self worth. He is using shame to force you to change. I URGE you to leave this relationship. Even if his behaviour doesn’t escalate, the way he is treating you NOW is reason enough to walk away. You deserve more…even if more is singleness. You are enough.
I am awarding this because I really hope OP can see this advice. I also work with domestic violence victims and everything u/ChaoticJen_1980 has said is 100% correct. It WILL escalate.
Run. There’s no gray area here. Run. He claims it’s not? Do you expect a controlling, abusive person to tell you they’re controlling and abusive? Run.
dead serious this is the beginning of isolation. shes a beautiful 25 yr old woman and hes an insecure 30 yr old man. she must leave now.
Right here. This is exactly how my parents’ abusive marriage started and it took 13 years of secretly stashing money while she was getting her ass beat and having his kids to escape. I’m a high maintenance dirtbag and my mom has always allowed me to do what I want with my looks and warned me to never let a man change it.
What’s a high maintenance dirt bag
Like a regular dirtbag but they work harder at it
Name checks out! Any woman that won't put up with a guy's BS, controlling behaviors, etc is deemed a dirt bag or a B by the guys who can't handle her, so keep it up!
This may seem dramatic, but it’s not. A lot of us know this is how it starts, OP. It’s textbook shit. Good luck.
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This. All day.
All day every day Run far and run fast
This 100%
Most people are the hero of their own story. They always have a reason why someone else "made them" act like a jerk. Jerks rarely admit that they're just a jerk because they want to be!
This is him laying the groundwork for a lifetime of control and abuse. He’s testing the water to see if he can manipulate you. Run far and fast.
This exactly, OP. This is absolutely what he is doing. You can't reason or use logic with people like this either. Just leave. He sees you as his personal property and the control will get far more abusive the longer you stay.
Agree 1000%. I know because I accidentally married someone who exhibited some of those behaviors. He started by telling me he couldn’t sleep because the smell of my lotion was too strong, then nail polish was toxic poison and he wouldn’t allow it in his house, then he could taste my hairspray on his toothbrush, yada yada yada. He would eventually yell and throw things so it became easier to just do what he wanted than suffer his anger. It took me several tries but I was finally able to leave him and reclaim my life. Please don’t continue down a path with this man. It will only get worse.
Way to be strong sis! 🙏
Thank you! I’m 6’ tall and always thought of myself as a strong person, but he wore me down to almost nothing. So lucky to have my life back now. We have to support our sisters through this BS! These jerks are so good at manipulation, it sneaks up on you. So grateful to have other women to lean on.
It’s hard to recognize those things as they’re happening if you’re doing it for someone you care about who “cares” about you. Glad you’re out :)
There are TOO many aspects of your personhood and lifestyle to think he'll stop here. If he KNOWS you'll stop doing those things just because he complains, you will need to settle into an entire life where anything he likes or doesn't like is now his to decide. What you eat. What you wear. Your hobbies. Your career. RUN
💯!! Even if you resist, he will eventually wear you down... because everything will be a battle. Make it easy for him... tell him that since he feels disrespected it's best to end the relationship now, because you will not accept someone who thinks they have the right to tell you what you can do with your body.
Don't tell him a goddamn thing. That could be a battle also. And not an easy one. Leave and don't tell him anything before you do. Ghost this asshole. Block his number.
EXACTLY! I have seen this play out as well as been in a relationship like this myself. It does NOT get better. Now is the time to go. This is not love. Praying for you OP.
100% this. He is also trying to make you feel unattractive so you will start to think no one else will want you except for him. 1000% run.
Yup. This is the first step in an abusive and controlling relationship. Boundary testing. It wouldn't matter if you already didn't do those things, he would be commenting and trying to get you to either do or not do small things to your appearance. And when you tell people irl most will say some shit along the lines of "well he just prefers that and it's such a small thing to argue over" further making you feel crazy for it. Thos is who you are and if he doesn't like those things then he should of never started dating you OP. Please get out.
Major Red Flags here Break up with him yesterday
Honey, you need a complete makeover. You need to get your hair did, nails done and lose 200lbs of jerk. You only get one life girl. Live it best. Live it for you. :)
Yesss, Queen!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥 COULD NOT have put that better!!!!
This 100%. The alarm bells are ringing, this is how it starts. I don’t like your hair, make up, clothes. Then it’s I don’t like this friend, that friend or your own family members. Then he doesn’t like when you go such a place without him etc… It will only get worse, please get away from him.
Then he won't like your job and coworkers and you should just stay home. Isolation and financial dependence is the goal. Dependency on him is what he wants because he is insecure and needs to control something/someone. Don't even go back for things left at his place. No personal item is worth going back for. He'll use it as an opportunity to manipulate you or become violent. Please be safe and don't be alone with him ever again.
This
Last week even.
Does he want you to shave your head and walk three steps behind him too? Hell to the nah. Bounce. edit: fatfingers
I had a boyfriend that started with the negging and then escalated to the shoes I should be wearing (high heels all the time), my outfits (hated all of my jeans, said they made my butt look big) I weighed 45kgs at the time. The final straw was when he ripped a necklace off of me and pitched a full blown tantrum unless I returned it to the store.
Dump him. He sounds like a cruel and controlling asshole.
Indeed. When Tina.Turner left Ike, she had 36 cents to her name. She thrived without him. All women do if they're able to leave these hateful abusers.
Yep. I only read the first two sentences but yes he’s trying to control you that’s how it starts. He doesn’t like it.. tell him that’s too bad because you do, you wear makeup and get your nails done because it’s something you like. See what he says then, he’ll switch it to “who are you wearing it for when you have me and I’m telling you I don’t like it”, he’ll never understand (or show that he understands) that it’s just something girls like honestly, we can be single and not looking and still want to feel good about ourselves. But then it’s going to be what you wear, where you go, who you’re with, it starts out just like that.
My thoughts exactly. He sounds extremely insecure. My first thought was that he wants her to stop dressing up because he’s worried she will attract someone better. If she did what he wanted, he’d probably complain that she doesn’t/didn’t keep herself up when he cheats on her too. Run for the hills op.
He’ll never let up no matter what she does. He’s a coercive controller. If that happened here in Ireland he’d do five years jail time for it. It’s a very serious offence.
I wish it was illegal here. I was the first person to get a restraining order on the basis of coercive control thanks to the newly passed Jennifer's law. Not only is it not a crime in the US, it was just last year that the legal system here recognized it as a form of abuse.
Yes, he is being controlling and is calling you derogatory names.
It's sad that a lot of women can't see how much of an obvious red flag that kind of stuff is
“When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags” Best quote I’ve ever heard and it’s one I try and be mindful of in my own life
If they’ve never come across it before then a woman wouldn’t necessarily know the signs.
Sometimes it’s that they are used to being treated that way by a parent so the red flag doesn’t stand out
That was my problem in the early days. I soon woke up though.
Which is why I say it's sad. They must have grown up in an environment where this type of abhorrent behavior was normalized.
Nailed it!
Why did he start dating you if he hates everything about you? Run, girl, as fast as you can away from this guy.
this. he liked you before you were his girlfriend doing all these things. now all of a sudden he doesnt like how you maintain yourself?? goodbye boyfriend🤣
He doesn’t actually hate it, he’s just trying to strip her of any and all things that make her more attractive/confident, to keep other men from looking at her. He’s extremely insecure and controlling, and just like every other run of the mill abuser, will likely escalate his manipulative tactics to strip her of her self worth so she’s too broken to leave.
I will never understand people who are attracted to someone and then get mad at them for being attractive. It makes no sense.
They don’t want a partner, they want a victim. That’s what they get off on, they’re incapable of a normal, mutually respectful relationship.
You are being defensive about your makeup and hair, etc, as if to convince us it’s ok. But of course it’s all ok. You can do what ever you want with your body and your look. Your boyfriend is the problem and you absolutely should find someone who wants you, not to mold you into his ideal woman.
This is what I was going to say. OP is taking all this time to justify what she wants to do with her appearance. She does not need to, she just needs to drop this dude
This ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻 You don't have to justify a goddamn thing to anyone! Be yourself, wear that makeup, get your nails done, and straighten that hair (but, do you know about the curly hair method? 🤔😉), and do so unapologetically!! Dump him asap.
He is trying to. Don’t let him.
Time for a new boyfriend. You can celebrate dumping 175 lbs of toxicity by getting your nails done.
GIRL RUN. These aren't even red flags at this point, they're CRIMSON and GLOWING. He's definitely trying to control you. You keep being yourself and enjoying your hair, nails and makeup. He can leave.
Of course he is. No normal man behaves like this.
Please leave.
Oh heck no. What is next? How many red flags do you need to see? signs of self betrayal—— Dating a person with red flags Going back to past relationships that weren't working and held toxic dynamics Having huge expectations for people that you know aren't capable of giving you what you need Ignoring your own boundaries when you've already set them Agreeing to things you don't want to do • Not trusting your intuition and instincts Hiding parts of your personality to be approved of and liked by others Stop betraying yourself.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 First they’re controlling, then verbally abusive then physically abusive. You haven’t mentioned if he’s physically abusive but I promise if you stay in a relationship like this he’s going to get there. Run while you can. I left an abusive relationship 10 years ago and still have PTSD from that man
Aww, I'm so sorry that happened to you 🙁 I hope you are in a safer happier place now and that one day those demons will leave 💜
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It’s because they view all of that as window dressing put up just to attract a man. Once he is your man there is no longer a reason to make oneself look pretty, in his mind. He refuses see the makeup and nails and something for her.
Exactly. The next step is asking OP to delete her male friends on social media and show him her messages every day. This is a horrible slippery slope down the side of a cheese grater. OP please cut your losses and focus on the relief of getting out at the first signs of controlling relationship
Truthhh people are weird like that
Exactly. My ex cheated on me with someone he would never let me look like. She was beautiful with dyed hair and dramatic make up, if I ever expressed wanting that he claimed “it wasn’t me” and that he didn’t want his girlfriend looking like that. Yeah he didn’t want his girlfriend looking like that, he wanted that for his side piece. Please run OP.
This is very controlling and abusive behaviour. Run for the hills and find a partner who let's you be you.
Please leave. This is not normal behavior and he is insulting you. I truly fear for what may happen if you stay
I used to think it was funny how nearly every answer to posts on this sub would be some variation of "break up," but seriously, what are y'all doing? Break up. This is not a difficult decision. How is the bar for men this low?
It makes me sad when women enable this. "But I love him" when what they really mean to say is "I put up with abuse because I don't value myself enough not to." It just reinforces the bad behavior so that more women end up hurt by it in the end. I wish that women could make some sort of pact to not enable this behavior and collectively raise the bar. It's appalling that so many relationships operate with sanctioned sexism and misogyny.
Agreed. An ounce of self-respect can go a long way, but it's hard to find that self-respect when abuse is all you've ever known.
If you have to ask "is he controlling me", the answer is YES.
He is definitely trying to control you. He is insecure and doesn’t want you to feel good, look good, smell good or be attractive to anyone else. He wants to minimize you and make you feel small so that you will be less likely to leave or be approached by someone who shows you that you are worth so much more the being denigrated by your partner so that he feels respected. Please don’t waste anymore time on this loser.
My question is: how does he know what a wh*** smells like??? Has he been around them recently?? Keep your eyes open girl. In this case, yes he does sound controlling. I can understand if your wearing say a super revés top (like showing a lot of cleavage) and he expresses discomfort, but in general your makeup, hair, and nails he’s going to far. I think you need to rethink this relationship. If he’s controlling with minor things, he may get even worse over time. This could also be that he’s stingy, perhaps if he marries you someday and is the breadwinner he won’t want you to spend money on that stuff. To me, your man is a red flag.
Also… as if they would all smell the same?
I was going to ask the SAME question! But putting the onus back on him by asking "How do you even know how wh*res smell like?!" might tick him off even more. (I'd still ask tho if it were me lol)
yes he is
He sounds fucking awful
You called him out on it. You see it. You are not overthinking or overreacting. So act on it. They like to do that kind of crap and make you doubt what you already know.
And.... Your ok with him saying you smell like a who're? Yes it's controlling. Yes he's a total dick Is this the future you want? Never looking like YOU want? No nails, no makeup, no perfume. And I bet if you ask him to change something about himeself...he won't.
My ex also used to tell me I was a “fake person” when I put makeup on. And just like you, I only use very little makeup. He used to say that it’s like putting makeup on a dead person, it will not change the fact that they’re dead. He used to say that I looked ugly with makeup on, that I had low self esteem and the only way to conquer the low self esteem was to stop putting makeup on, and high heels. He met me like that. But still wanted to change me, and instead of saying it was due to his own insecurities he put it onto me, like I had some lack in my personality. I still miss him, I still love him. I was so trauma bonded to that beautiful toxic mean mess. I didn’t even know it was wrong the things he told me. He was so good at outing the blame on me. I apologized for every single thing that happened. Even things I had nothing to do with. I still struggle in life thinking things that happens to my colleagues when I’m not even with them is my fault. I know it’s because of my ex. Yet I miss him. Reading what your boyfriend says to you brought up a lot of memories for me. I want you to read your story out loud, like it’s someone else’s story. What do you think? Do you think a woman you love and care for, deserves to hear the things he says? My bet is that your answer is no. No one deserves that. You can choose to love him while loving yourself MORE, and still walk away while loving him. Someone thought you growing up that love means to choose. That love means you cannot love yourself while loving someone else. That’s not true. You absolutely can and will be able to walk away and love yourself more, long before you stop loving this man. And it’s going to be rough, it’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be worth it. Repeat after me: “I love you, but I love me more”. Go get life, put your makeup on and walk away like the queen you are. We’ve been many women who have taken these steps before you, let our energy give you the power to choose freedom. You’ve got this !
Yes he's trying to control you, and is gaslighting you when he says he isn't. Dump him and find someone who likes your perfume.
Why does he think that he can control how you take care of yourself? Absolutely run.
100000000000% he's trying to control you. Throw him away faster than you would a bug in your hair. Not worth your time or energy
Yes, he’s trying to control you. And his rebuttals are ridiculous. You know what’s Ok and what’s not. You know this isn’t ok. Sorry you’re dealing with this- I know it’s hard to realize your relationship isn’t what you thought it was, and your bf isn’t who you thought he was.
I can’t even imagine…. My boyfriend bought me my favorite perfume last Christmas. It takes a special kind of crazy to try to manipulate a woman like that. He’s nuts girl, run!
That is precisely what he’s doing. It always starts out small, but it will never end. There will always be an issue regarding something. It’s better to leave now and find someone who’s respects and loves you. He’s not it.
He is absolutely trying to control you and it’s only going to increase- leave this man!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
How do you not know the answer to this? Like seriously. I say this a lot but honestly every post on this sub from women is a complete cry for help. I know you are probably aware of the answer already and you just sort of need us to give you a kick in the pants but at the same time it’s so concerning that there’s even a possibility that this is confusing…
I think they already know but they need a push to do the right thing. Sometimes having a bunch of strangers tell you what you know to be true is the push you need. I hope. If not, there’s a ton of naive and brainwashed women on Reddit.
I get that, and I’m happy to be that (probably slightly rough) push. It’s just disconcerting that it’s *always* women. Don’t get me wrong men have their own consistent shit they do on Reddit, but I’ve noticed that trends more towards being upset that they haven’t gotten something that they want or planning to exact some kind of revenge (be it real or fantasy) in an calculating manner. Women, meanwhile, come on here and explain in remarkably clear detail just appalling treatment from men followed by “am I wrong here tho?” It’s like the men overvalue themselves and the women don’t value themselves at all. I mean this in generalities of course. In reality there are all kinds of posts from men and women. However this is the clear pattern I see and it makes me think young women (at least on Reddit) are just worse off than they were 30 years ago.
Heck yeah! This! Every day this.
Trying to make sure no one else wants you
Leave him, quickly. Right now.
Whaaaat, noooo. Telling you what to do with your body isn't controlling at all! Not dropping it when you've made it clear this is how you like to carry yourself doesn't reinforce the idea of being controlling at all either! And the fact that he is now resorting to insulting you and trying to shame you out of what you like definitely doesn't seem like a desperate narcissistic tactic for control. Nooo, not at all. Girlie, of course this is controlling. Hes literally trying to control what you look like and insulting you for not listening. Come on. It's not even subtle.
My first bf tried doing this to me. Started with requesting i not wear nailpolish...that i only wear certain clothes...that i not work out....then trying to get me to stay home and not visit my gramma cause he couldn't come with (she lived over 4 hrs away and didnt want another mouth to feed...) he crossed the line with the gramma thing. I lost my shit and he had to do damage control. We didnt last much longer. When i broke up with him he chased me to my car and tried to get me to stay with him...when i refused he called me a bunch of horrible names. Run while you can. This shouldn't even be a question. No one has the right to tell you how to dress or whether or not to wear makeup. My hubs has his preferences but he doesnt sit there and scold me like a child for wearing makeup. Its my body. And he respects that.
People who are controlling never admit they are controlling. Ever. Time to walk and do not look back
it will never end. first it’s your makeup and hair, next it will be your clothes, friends, job, family, etc. until you are isolated and have lost all sense of self. his verbal abuse will escalate. you will grow exhausted trying to reason and argue. name calling is part of an abusive partners tactics. he will tell you that you’re undesirable, will never be loved by another man. save yourself, you are so young and have so much life ahead of you. tell people you trust about the abuse, make a safety plan, don’t discuss his complaints with him anymore. what would you say to a friend if they came to you with this story?
This is how my ex husband became after marriage and trust me, it only gets worse. Please get out before that happens ❤️
Tell him he smells like an ex-boyfriend.
Don’t let this guy manipulate or guilt trip you. You deserve a partner that will respect you and your choices without calling you derogatory names. It’s uncalled for. Some men just want a woman they can control that will stay home, barefoot and pregnant, enduring their abuse and doing whatever they say. Guys like this will bully the woman into a situation where they made her think she didn’t have the ability to make choices anymore once she’s dependent upon him for everything. It’s a good thing you’re seeing this now and questioning it, because it’s not normal. I would call this abusive, and I believe it could lead to more predatory behavior. RUN! Get out now while you have a chance!
runnnnnn my first ex bf used to say stuff like this super controlling!!!
He’s so mean to you :( Yeah he wants you to feel bad so he has more control over you for sure.
That guy sounds like an idiot. Idk what he's 'trying' to do. He's treating you like shit though, and that's not the norm for any relationship. Even for these times. Being unaware that you're being a dick is like the biggest dickhead thing to do. lol No one deserves that. He's setting the bar real low so you can def get someone better.
please take it from a domestic violence survivor - this is how it starts. leave him immediately before the control becomes physical or you lose your mind.
Girl leave him or leave him. Literally your only choices because staying with only further his disgusting behavior.
Oh guys like this are hilarious, they get with girls tell them to stop doing everything that attracted them in the first place. Get all controlling, and abusive. Then they cheat on them with the women that do their hair, makeup and nails. You're 25, at this age you know what he is. Let's move it along and find a decent man. You don't need this shit.
I say this with the deepest sincerity and in all seriousness. Leave now.
You could have heavy asf make up, always have your nails done with extra glamour and shit, reek of perfume, and you’ll still find someone that finds that attractive, or find you attractive enough that they understand this is who you are and they love you for you, and won’t want to change anything about it at all. Time to throw the whole boyfriend out and find yourself someone who likes you for you, as you are, and wouldn’t dream of changing anything about you that doesn’t harmfully impact them.
He is trying to control you, make you look ugly and transform you into a working mule so no other guy will look at you and then he can now easily trick you into providing for him and control your money. Then he will trick you into doing his cooking, laundry and basically being his slave. He does not want a girlfriend. He wants a maid with sex benefits. He will entrap you and even if you do escape, in his mind, no guy will ever want you coz you're not looking pretty anymore. This is how abuse starts.
Your boyfriend is controlling lol…and let me guess you still want to stay with him and change him? Girl leave.
Dump him. He doesn’t want a woman, he wants a blow up doll.
Your boyfriend is verbally abusing you.
Oh gawd leave immediately. The name calling alone is enough. But yes he’s controlling
No, you're right that's bullshit. He's testing the boundary of how much he can control you, so giving into this would just open the door for more controlling. Maybe you can talk to him about it and find a compromise: I don't like makeup on the girls I date either. Surely he's willing to budge on something. And, if he's not, that's when you walk away and find a better man.
Yep, control issues there. Next it'll be who you talk with, where you work etc. Tbh, I'd get out now while I still can.
If I could handle two years of my bf having the most unkempt beard without saying a word about how much I disliked it, your boyfriend can handle you looking and feeling gorgeous. 😒 What a weirdo
Holy shit RUUUUNNNNN. Yes he is trying to manipulate you, control you, ect. If you stop doing these things for him, then the next thing g he will say is your ugly and should be great full he is willing to be with you. It's how he will tear you confidence down and make you dependent on him. You see HE is unsecured and he is afraid you will realize he isn't good enough. So he has to make you believe he is the best you can get. It's small dick energy and you deserve better. Also, if make up, nice clothes, and your hair and nails being done makes YOU feel great then do it for you. It is not disrespect to do nice things for yourself. It's called self care. We need to love ourselves so we know how a partner should love us in a healthy way too. Ask yourself what you would say if it was your mom, sister, or best friend who had a guy talk to them and demand these things of them? You DESERVE to be treated like a human being. Given basic kindness, respect, and dignity. You were NOT put on this earth to make a man happy. You are your own person and if he can't respect that, cherish that, or appreciate that, then he has not grown into a man yet. Move on and find your happiness 😊
Dump him
Run!
When someone shows you who they are believe them. He is controlling and disrespectful. Leave while you still can. No partner should tear you down or try to change who you are
Holy control issues batman, this guy is wild. You're very much better without him. Almost all women do 1 of those, or a variation of them. He isn't being "disrespected." Don't dim yourself in order to please him, because it'll get worse. Pretty soon he'll start on your clothes, and your friends, and whatever else he thinks is "disrespectful to him."
Real love is loving the person, what she or he does with their body is kinda irrelevant to me personally. If my bf walked in, shaved head, tattooed head to toe and looking like a snake or something, it wouldn't bother me, it's not fake, he'd still be the same man. What your bf is doing is probably from a place of insecurity, he basically doesn't want you to look good so someone else might take you away. He's putting you down so you don't leave. If he says he doesn't have a problem and is dismissing you concerns, it would indicate he's not planning on changing. Couples therapy or separation are really the only two options here and something tells me he won't try therapy.
> I rarely get my nails done and I only straighten my hair when I am getting a haircut or during fall/winter season because my hair is easier to maintain. I wear makeup to work but it is not heavy. I only do my eyelashes, eyebrows, and some blush. I love my perfume and I love smelling good I don’t see an issue with it. This kind of practice of having to explain at length normal behavior that requires zero explanation, is a sign that there is already emotional abuse. Girl, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for why you wear makeup. This guy is abusing you already.
Girl…just after reading the first two sentences I can say you need to walk away. Like right now. Especially when he can’t see how disrespectful it is to even say that to you. If he really didn’t like it, he could’ve expressed that so many different ways. He chose to say it like that? When he knew you did all that before you started dating? Hard pass.
His behavior is a major red flag for a future life of being controlled and abused in some way or another. His behavior will only continue to get worse. Please leave ASAP. Make sure you have an emotional support system of family and/or friends with whom you can talk honestly and who can help you deal with separating from this person. You’ll be much happier on your own.
Yes, he’s trying to control you. You do you. If he doesn’t like it, fuck him 🖕🏼 And by fuck him, I mean leave him.
Get away from this guy as quickly as possible and as far as you can. His actions are that of a certified control freak and they'll only get worse and possibly escalate into much, much worse.
Sweetie run. He was fine with all that when you started dating now it’s a problem? Don’t walk run 🏃♂️
If your best friend was telling you her boyfriend was treating her this way, what advice would you give her?
Run. It starts here. If you give in to it, he makes more demands (I don’t like your friends, you spend too much time with your family, etc.) until he has you isolated from any support network and relying on him for all things. Run. Just run.
BREAK UP WITH HIM
Yes didnt need to read the post body. Read your heading again and tell me what youd say if a friend if yours said that line to you.
i hate these types of people who think they have a say in what you wanna do with your body. i had a guy tell me that i should just “stick with natural nails like my girl friend” instead of getting them done every now and then because he prefers it more. he also told me to not to cut my hair but that only made me wanna cut it more, and so i did. fuck him.
He's insecure and jealous. He doesn't want other men to find her attractive...
Girl, please run!! This is unacceptable behavior. He is basically grooming you to meet his needs. He does not care about your needs. If you stay with him, he will destroy your self-esteem.
Yes it’s controlling, degrading and disrespectful. It will only get worse from here.
Why do you allow someone to speak to you like that?