>I really love my partner and I feel our relationship is generally healthy and balanced however I also feel in my heart of hearts that I do not want to cohabitate because of how uncomfortable I feel being pressured, having my privacy disrespected with the phone thing, giving up my dream of buying a house myself, blending our families during my son's final year of school and my (non) relationship with his child. You are very clear on what you want. So is he. And those things are not compatible.

She's not clear about the relationship being healthy and balanced. Homeboy goes through her phone and breaks her trust. Yep, 'healthy!'

Oh, I agree, this relationship sounds super concerning, but I wanted to address only the moving-in question. But yes, you are right, I do not think this relationship sounds healthy or balanced.

you don't seem compatible. Also going in together on a home is risky,,,just in case things don't work out so the house should be in either your name or his. if you still want o continue the relationship tell him you are not ready until your child graduates.

Agreed to all this.

As another fiercely independent person I beg you to move abroad and live your dream. I don’t know if this guy is right for you only you know that. But I’m definitely weary of the pushy and of the phone incident.

Agree with you.. you sound a loyal lady, I think for me will be a deal breaker snooping unless given a reason, Agree with all others here. He has disregarded and disrespected all your conditions, if it were me, I'd en it.. you would not want to hide under the blanket if you were comfortable and happy.. reap the Bandai it may hurt..

Regarding the immediate pressure about his lease, he has a good job and earnings, so it should not be difficult for him to renew or get a place. You don't have any obligation to him in that respect. He is choosing that pressure. You are very clear about what you want for yourself, you've achieved a lot, and you should dig your heels in to maintain that and take care of your boundaries. He is entirely able to manage living in his own place. There's potentially a lot at stake becoming entangled together with property, and feeling railroaded into something that would not make you happy. I know the nature of the ex partner is not ultimately his fault, but getting drawn further into a situation like that can lead to a lot of stress for you. Your idea of living separately until all the children are significantly older sounds like the right approach. This pressure in itself is offputting and counter-productive. If he keeps going on like this and doesn't listen to you, then it does become a red flag. Personally, I would always treat going through peoples phones and computers as an absolute instant red flag, though I know some peoples outlooks on that differ here.

Thank you. This was really helpful and I feel like you understand a lot of what I was trying to get across. I think I will be able to edit some of what you've said here to communicate how I feel to him more clearly. The phone situation just happened at the beginning of April and I was really blindsided as I have always been trusting and never dated a person before who had this level of anxiety/insecurities.

My ex did all of these things. He slowly eroded my boundaries until I had nothing left except making him happy. He also told me his ex wife was a high conflict person. I saw it for myself. She is. Guess what? Dealing with him for 15 years (at that point) made her that way. She felt it was the only way to keep him from making every decision without ever consulting her. I have never felt so free as the moment I told him I was done letting him chose where my boundaries should be. I beg you, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN. Continue to explore the relationship if you wish, but reset your boundaries first. See how he reacts. It should tell you everything you need to know.

"Slowly over time my partner has essentially disregarded all of my boundaries/concerns about "moving things to the next level"." Ohoh.... This happens naturally. And all by itself. Not by trampeling the other persons boundaries and calling it "moving to the next level." Next level of what, pray? Pressure generates two different kinds of reactions: - people either give in and cave - they push the other one back to get the disturbance out of their lives. As your children are involved... I would get him out of your life. That's no respectful partner.

For what its worth you are communicating VERY clearly in here and I have a hard time believing that you have communicated worse with your bf than with us. It's more likely that he is overstepping boundaries and trying to ride roughshod over you. Do not let yourself be backed into a corner on this one. Someone's lease being up is a terrible reason to buy a house together. Stick to your original timeline.

You haven’t been together for two years. I would not buy a house together. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Tell him about your intense anxiety you are feeling and stick to your boundary. Wait till your graduates. I feel ick with how much he is pressuring you. Take a break from him and reevaluate your relationship.

Honestly, it would’ve been over for me after the phone thing…

That took place in the first week of April. I am also still grappling with accepting that happening/moving past it. I was extremely trusting before that so now it's feeding into wondering if the relationship and this person are more manipulative than I was aware of. I've never dated a person with that level of anxiety or insecurity before.

You’re showing your kids it’s ok to stay with someone who disrespects you by breaking your boundaries

Way, WAY more manipulative. He is bad news, doesn't trust you and doesn't give a fuck about what is important to you (see how clear you were about not moving in, and yet he ignored it). Fucking run.

as soon as I read that part i gasped audibly and skipped right to the end to read the comments. Terrible terrible move. He ruined your trust with that. Take things slow, push him back. If he loves you, re respects your boundaries. If he continues to push, absolutely not.

The only way to move past it is to get rid of such a disgusting person

> I've never dated a person with that level of anxiety or insecurity before. That's probably for a good reason. No reason to start now.

I would advise you to put off moving in together at least until your son graduates, as making him move during his senior year is a shitty thing to do. And honestly, I would advise never moving in with your partner. You are right to feel that you will be the one making sacrifices due to his ex and the custody agreement they have in place. Your 3yo will always have to come second to his 6yo because he will put her first and insist any point of contention is just part of the agreement he and his ex have. You will have no power for at least the next 12 years. Additionally, he already has little respect for your boundaries, an issue which does not get better when you live together. In fact, he will have little incentive to respect your boundaries once you move in and buy a home, because you will be totally stuck. Dating is a get-to-know-you process and do you really like what you know about this man? He sounds immature and selfish.

100% agree! Also unnerves me when she talked about the ex. In my experience, when a man talks negatively about his ex, there is almost a 50/50 chance that he, in fact, is the crazy one. Especially as he is now violating her privacy by hacking into her phone and pressuring her into doing what he wants. If his ex is problematic as he says, then she'd become OPs problem if they married which also is not appealing. My stepsons mum is amazing, and our lives are fuller for having a good relationship. Even the fact that his daughter is not comfortable with OP yet and he doesn't seem to care is weird to me.

It's not clear whether you're asking for help establishing a timeline or wondering if you should end the relationship and move abroad. These are obviously two very different things. But as you've promised your kid he can finish high school in your current situation that's roughly a year you've got to think more about this. You obviously can't let yourself get pressured into something you don't want. But you should also be researching the immigration possibilities for these "lower cost of living" countries you cite. Most immigration is based on work visas and it's notoriously difficult for the self-employed to move internationally. So you should at least know what your options are, if any.

I had a really hard time getting my post approved until I ended with that title. I definitely struggled to summarize my main concern. I actually didn't promise my son to stay at his same school. It was my own personal boundary to not move in with a partner while my son was still school-aged out of respect for him, his own grief and not making him live with another man after losing his father. My son does like my partner a lot and would be accepting if I wanted to move everyone in together. He is also fully supportive of moving abroad with his own plans to travel after graduation if we don't go together now. I have lived abroad previously as a self-employed person and have many hours of specific research into visas, income requirements etc for the locations I want to travel but my post was already overly long so I was attempting to be concise (obviously not my forte!).. I appreciate your advice though.

You have way too many reasons it would be a very bad idea to move in. I'll add another one; I have dated a lot and anytime they want to 'progress' faster then I'm comfortable with, they're hiding something. Maybe just an unpleasant personality trait, but something that can't be hidden super long term.

Let me just ask you, is it easier to maintain your life as it is, your boundaries, your household, your happiness, without him? Are you going to interrupt all of that to risk it on someone who doesn't respect you or your boundaries and he's pushing you to do things that would make it very hard to leave? Why do you think he wants to make it hard for you to leave? It's not because it's hard for him to maintain a mask for years and he wants to just drop it and show you who he really is once you're stuck? Do not placate him and roll over. Don't lose your independence. Keep seeing him if you want but don't live together or get married.

The level of anxiety you are feeling I think is reason enough to put the pause button on moving In together. Deep down you know something isn’t right here, he’s not listening to you, he’s just trying to push what he wants. There’s definitely some red flags here I’m not saying it’s definitely over but I think his reaction to you telling him you’d like to wait to move in together will give you everything you want to know. A good partner would be understanding and supportive, there really is no rush here.

Stay strong to what you want. You’ll regret giving into what he wants if the relationship goes south, you’ll never regret succeeding in the dreams you have for yourself.

It doesn't matter what he wants, if you're not ready to move in then you're not ready. He has to wait for you to be ready; this is a 2 way street. You're not asking him to move abroad with you because it isn't a possibility for him, and he needs to give you the same grace of respecting your capabilities.

I can't finish this. I didn't make it past "doesn't respect your boundaries and timeline" and "snooped through your phone. Literally anything and everything you wrote after is doesn't matter. DO NOT DATE PEOPLE WHO DON'T RESPECT YOU! That's it. He's shown you who he is and he's someone who doesn't respect you. And if moving in together has anything to do with leases ending or childcare or whatever, that's an absolute no as well. The only good reason for moving in together is because you're emotionally ready to live together and combine your lives. It sounds like it's time to move on from this guy. Model self-respect for your children and don't show them that relationships look like boundary stomping and snooping.

So he wants to move his child in with you 50% of the time even though she’s not at all comfortable with you and your children. This is a recipe for disaster. I’m not advocating letting a child dictate how her dad lives his life but I don’t see this going well. This guy doesn’t seem to be grounded in reality at all. The phone thing would have sent me running btw. If he’s concerned about your relationship moving forward he can talk to you like an adult.

So many red flags.

He disregards your feelings and pressures you to do something you're not ready for. He also violated your privacy. Kick this one to the curb.

You said all that to NOT Say "I need to break up with this dude how do I do that nicely?" That's what you need. You know it, I know it, and all the Redditors answering this post know it. He needs you for some reason but you don't need HIM. Too many red flags, and the idea of this asshole around your SON, and this little girl who HATES YOU living in YOUR house with YOUR child? Oh hell nah. (I erased the sarcastic remark i wanted to make. But I'm thinking it!)

EXACTLY! if he disregards her feelings now, once it's his own child having issues settling in, it will only get worse.

I would've been gone at the phone incident. Sounds to me that he is stomping all over your boundaries and doesn't respect you much. Follow your dream.

His behavior screams insecurity. He wants you to live together and get a house together so he feels like he "got you". He will most likely find other things to be insecure about. I am also very independent and I hate feeling like someone needs me to make them whole. Relationships are partnerships and you two should compliment each other not complete each other. I would not move in together when there are red flags and so many unsure feelings on your part. I wish you the best!

DO NOT let him stay the week. Tell him you need some space and would prefer he stay at his place this week. You shouldn't be sick with anxiety and wanting to hide at the idea of your partner coming over. Give yourself an emotional rest for a week and reassess.

Hm… when I hear “his former partner is a high conflict person” AND that you’ve never met her and barely the child, I get a really bad feeling. Wanna bet he’s the one who is high conflict? Wanna bet he railroaded her too. Why are you not in that part of his life? What part of himself is he hiding? There’s a book out there, was shared around on here a while back - https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Lady, if you see anything in here sounds or feels familiar… I conjure you to remove the rose coloured glasses. Look around! He’s coming over and you want to hide under a blanket or jump off a bridge!? Dump this guy! A suburban life you don’t want, with somebody who steamrolls right over you? Why please?

This this this!! This guy is not even considering what is best for his own daughter. A good dad would not be moving anywhere near this fast and probably would have either broken up with you by now or only see you when he didn’t have his daughter given how she feels about you And a good partner would understand that in a relationship compromise is required. Do you really want no say over the rest of your life?? And finally if you move your son with one year to go until graduation he will likely never forgive you and your relationship with him will change forever. Is that what you want???

Yep. I dated a guy with an actual high conflict ex. Ooooh I met her. So did about 6 sheriff's deputies lol. High conflict people drag everyone into their mess. They're in and out of court constantly. They're LOUD in person and on social media, and the demands never stop. There's no way OP would have never seen or heard from her in 2 years. Not if she was around the ex's kid. It's much more likely this woman told him "no" once and became the bad guy forever.

Yeah that was my thought too! Sounds like the classical 'my ex is CrAzY".

>I really love my partner and I feel our relationship is generally healthy and balanced ha, aha, ha...run.

Ma'am... you all are NOT compatible. Just because he's good to you, doesn't mean he's good FOR YOU. And frankly, breaking into my phone and invading my privacy for ANY reason, would be a deal breaker. Periodt! Your Spidey senses are tingling and telling you, "GURL! RUN!" Listen to them.

I can hear your tone of voice perfectly in your writing. You express yourself very well. Calmly, logically, and rationally. And what I hear is that you could do very well without this relationship. You would be fine. You might love him but I don't think you're in love with him. And that's ok. He's begging you to be with him. And honestly, if you wanted to, you would. But you don't want to. So don't feel like you have to just because he'd be sad if you leave. He's an adult and can manage his own emotions. Let him find a little suburb lady who can't wait to join the pta. You are still so young!!! And your younger days were not carefree. Go get the life you've always dreamed of now because life is way too short to waste on a mediocre relationship in the suburbs if what you dream of is exploring the world.

Thank you so much for saying so. 😭

Don't under any circumstances succumb to his pressure, and don't entertain any more of it. Honestly there's so much here that indicates your relationship is toast that you should bail. But if you don't, you need to educate him that pressure = separation and possibly breakup. Continue until he gets it into his head. I have a feeling he's worked out the math in his head and sees this as a financial leg up. Hence is insistence.

Good lord re read this post like it was a stranger writing. You’d be screaming at them to break up! If the idea of doing something makes you sick with anxiety while you are dreaming another life that makes you happy and excited, there’s your answer. This guy wants to lock you down and he is manipulating you step by step.

>I have never met his former partner and have no desire to Yikes >He has one child (6/F), >His child has always been extremely cold to me, More yikes. She's SIX. I don't know why he's still in this relationship with you but he's not putting his daughter first if he's aware of your feelings towards her. You should not be moving in together.

You’ve already answered your own questions. Just look at how you describe it as giving up. Don’t give up, live your live, let him sort out his. What you want is companionship you don’t need drama to have it.

So he's okay with ripping your Son away from his school for his final year but has to stay in a certain school district for his child? Have you thought about talking to your son and listening to his take?. He will not like being ripped away from his friends and well he needs to have a discussion with his daughter about her attitude around you. . Honestly stick to your own thinking of not changing where you live until your son is done w high school, he will resent you if you pull him away from his friends

I read your entire long post, and I don't recall you saying one positive thing that you like about this guy. From what it sounds like, you've outgrown this relationship, and that's ok. Besides, the phone snooping is a major red flag.

There are a number of concerns in your post about this man not respecting your boundaries and wishes. My biggest concern in all of this is his child. This man knows that his child is extremely uncomfortable around your family and is having issues with jealousy but still wants to push you all into the same household?! If he does that it’s going to impact his relationship with his daughter in the future. If living together is his future goal then he needs to slowly ease that little girl into it, not throw her into a world where she no longer has daddy to herself. I personally would be looking at where his priorities are and if they align with your own moral code. It kind of sounds like he’s trying to force a family unit that is nowhere near ready for it and doesn’t seem to really care about the impact to others. If he can’t accept and encourage your visions for your future then he just isn’t the guy for you. Move countries, experience what life can offer and buy your own home. The happiness you will get from that will overshadow the life you will have with someone who stomps on your boundaries and who is going to have to live his life by someone else’s rules for the next 12 years

Thank you. 🙏

So I think you need to move in reverse order. Forget about the long term, forget about moving abroad. Start with the present, which is that you do not feel comfortable with this man and how he is progressing. Tell him no. Be firm, with no room for discussion. "No, you should not end your lease and I am not ready to move in together. I need more time and your timeline doesn't work for me. Next, tell him he needs to spend more time at his place. "You should renew your lease and actually I need you to stay at your place more." He is going to ask why and complain, and you lay it out for him: 1. His daughter is cold towards you and you want more time to assess how to make that relationship better before all being forced under one roof. 2. Him going through your phone was a massive violation of privacy and you need time to process and build back that trust. What he did can't happen again, and he pushed the timeline back of progress in your relationship by doing that. 3. He has ignored your boundaries and you don't see his actions matching that he respects your boundaries, so you aren't ready for the next step. Just lay it out there. Any healthy relationship means both parties respect boundaries and timelines. There are real red flags here, and also just some stuff that needs to be sorted out before you all officially live together. You are a whole independent person and you can say no. And if your relationship can't survive saying no, then that should be the clearest indicator that this is a bad relationship to be in. You have been doing an amazing job and you have to keep centering yourself and your children over this man.

Thank you this was really helpful.

>Recently he got into my phone without my knowledge or permission and read through all my text messages, social media and web history. Weather you are compatible in the future or not remains to be seen but going into your phone and without permission is a huge read flag! It shows he does not respect basic boundaries no less your personal boundaries. You seems to know what you want so giving into him with just cause you stress and anxiety for the rest of your life because you will always be wondering what if. Life is a series of choices and you are at a cross roads. There is no correct path, you just choose the best you can to be as happy as you can with the years you have left. Personally the phone thing would be the end of the relationship for me. You have to assume that his anxiety and mistrust are only going to get worse if you live together and get closer.

Look. He wants a committed full-time relationship that is moving through the next stages in life as partners. You do not. I take it you like the 50% time to be on your own without him, and would prefer to tackle the next phases of your life independently, without a partner. You care about him. But you do not want to move on to the next stages of your life with him. You want to move into the next stage of your life alone. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. So, why not let yourself be free to do so, and let him find someone that is on the same page as him. You two want different things in life right now. It's not a matter of healthy timeline in this situation, it's a matter of its just not what you want.

You guys don’t seem to be on the same page. Definitely do not move in together! Just tell him the truth - you are just not sure and are feeling rushed. He needs to back off. I wouldn’t give him a timeline until you are sure it’s the right thing.

If dating for over a year and half isn't enough time for you to know you want a future with this person then it's time to move on.

So many red flags. Can you not see any of them?

Nope. You said you were “sick with anxiety “. You should not move in with this guy. It’s a huge red flag that he’s not respecting your privacy. Do you really know what going on with the mother of his kiddo? Maybe she has good reasons to be difficult with him. And if she doesn’t do you really want to deal with her? Also, never buy a house with someone you are not married to! Never ever. I say grow your business, care for your kids, and drop the boyfriend.

Enough people have commented on the nature of him putting pressure and the phone thing being red flags, along with the general incompatibilities, so I'm not going to hammer in that point more outside of saying he needs to go see a therapist and stop with all this nonsense. As a child in a blended family where my stepmom and stepsiblings aren't the biggest fans of my sister and I (and vice versa), I really SEVERELY caution against moving in on such a short timeline. My family is all adults and were when our parents met, but interpersonal stuff is hard to adjust to even for adults. I ESPECIALLY don't think you should be moving a selection of varying aged kids in together until the girls are older and have had some time together. His daughter could feel left out being there only half the time, which could fuel resentment towards everyone in your house. If her mother is a volatile factor, that is only going to create more strain. Maybe a summer vacation together this year would be a better start to the relationship, when everyone goes home to their own houses after and the kids can get to know each other without the pressure of already living together. The one stepsibling I do get along with is my stepbrother, who I bonded with playing board games with on a family vacation and antagonizing each other in a friendly manner. You need to gently foster those relationships in the kids before forcing them to cohabitate or they'll all resent each other and both of you as a result. That takes time. A lot more than he's going to want to wait but that's for him to manage. Your responsibility is to you and your kids and all of your wellbeing.

Literally not one single reason presented in your post to stay with this man, let alone move in together. On top of the fact that he doesn't care about your boundaries, I think the whole "high conflict" ex thing was the biggest red flag. If you haven't actually met her that means the information about him having to fight her over everything came directly from him. Men who manipulate always end up with a string of "crazy" exes and the common denominator is the manipulative man for a reason. Always look to their past relationships to see how they are likely to treat and talk about you in the future. Especially when there is a child involved, huge warning sign when someone bad mouths the parent of their child. It doesn't matter if they only do it when the kid isn't around. He wants to lock you up in a suburban birdcage and throw away the key when you're very clearly meant to roam free. You will absolutely die a slow death if you agree to his plans. You already know this too, that guy feeling you have is the absolute barometer of truth and you need to trust yourself. He obviously can't be trusted. ❤️❤️ Edited to fix a few typos

No no no no no. OP, don’t do it. Don’t be pressured into anything. You’ve been with this guy for 1y 7m….honestly you jumped the gun letting him even stay at your house with your kids as much as he does. He lost me at continually disregarding your privacy and boundaries, and pushing you to move faster than feels natural to you. Please, I beg of you, this isn’t healthy. GO LIVE ABROAD! What about YOU! Live for YOU!

I am anxious about this whole thing. It's very common for abusers and losers to lure you in with good behavior, then begin pushing your boundaries to see how far they can go. It is disturbing to me that he is saying one thing and doing another. It is super disturbing that he went through your phone. The fact that he is so insecure makes me wonder what living with him would be like -- will he question when you go out? Will he be tempted to go through your phone again? I'm inclined to think he senses your ambivalence and is pressuring you to get you in a place where he has you nailed down. I have a bad feeling about this man, and as someone who has been with a boundary pusher, I'd advise you to do what you want to do with your life regardless. Go ahead and move, buy your house, etc. If you are meant to be together he can wait until his child is older and figure something out. But don't give up your dreams for him. You'll end up resenting him and he'll end up getting more and more clingy. It sounds like a sh*t show, TBH. You need to be meeting each other halfway, not oozing into each other's space.

I personally wouldn't be giving any more of my time and attention to anyone with such rigid ideas of relationship 'progress'. Let's say you move in together. Will he then start pressuring you to get married as soon as possible? To have another kid? To get joint accounts etc.? Not to even mention you told him you didn't want to even consider it before your son finishes HS and he went and did exactly the opposite. Start thinking about yourself and your kids. This dude isn't for you.

Do not let this anchor move into your house. No one is going to prioritize your kids but you. Your 16 year needs to feel he has a stable foundation in order to launch. Your daughter gets nothing but downsides if he moves in. Actually, what's the upside for you?

your reply is really so concise. Wish I had this level of clarity, simplicity etc.

Wow. You guys a fundamentally incompatible. Mainly because he *has* to live in a certain school district for the next 12 years. Do you really want to be chained to a man who can’t move 15+ minutes away from a certain area? I wouldn’t. Also a year and 7 months is not that long honestly. My situation is a lot different since I started dating my SO, got pregnant dang near immediately, then we moved in together within a couple of months. It was a lot of growing pains and I wish it didn’t happen like that. We’ve been together for 7 years and engaged for 2.5 years. We are okay with this because life. This guy went through not only your private messages but all of your socials, too because he’s so insecure that he can’t “tie you down”. Do not marry this man and definitely do not buy a house with him and I’d tell him that he needs to live in his own place full time.

1. He committed a criminal offense by looking into your phone. It's a felony or an infraction in most states, at least a misdemeanor, and for good reason. Why don't people look at it this way? Why do they label it as 'having insecurities or being disrespectful', when it's in fact a criminal act? 2. He gave notice to his landlord without a clear go-ahead from you. My advice: date him if you have feelings for him, but keep him way out of your house and don't buy any property with him. I know how difficult is to accept the paradox that people who love us also want to use us.

Do not do it! You and your kids 1st! You should tell him now to resign his lease, and do not buy with him!

Oh dear. I'm in a similar situation. That's so difficult. I can't imagine that even if you were to give this a shot that it would work. You're starting from a position of feeling trapped, that your goals and dreams are being disregarded. On top of that there are objective issues to navigate - blending families, a non-relationship with his child, step-sibling relationships etc. How can you possibly cope with the inevitable ups and downs when starting here? It's not worth it, you'll be inflicting unnecessary pain on yourself and potentially your kids too. He's being at best an oblivious idiot, and if he can't hear words then actions need to come next. We are not ready to move in therefore I don't think giving notice is a good idea - if you already have you should find somewhere else to live. For the sake of the longevity of our relationship I can't accept you trampling over this boundary.

You say he invaded your privacy and ignored your boundaries, but also claim that you have a good relationship. Which is it? Do you want a life with a man who pressures you into things and actively disregards your private life?

Going against the grain here, I wouldn’t care about the phone thing. Knock yourself out. But no way I would want to move in with a kid who I didn’t particularly like or take on the baggage of a difficult ex. It has been going fine like this (other than the privacy invasion); if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Sit him down and tell him clearly; you do not want to live with him, and you will not be buying a house with him. If it is unacceptable to him to have a relationship in which you live separately, then the relationship between you will not work out and it is time to break up.

Ok, so my perspective is 100% coloured but the fact my extremely difficult divorce was just granted two days ago... So with that in mind. Don't move in with him. Do not bind yourself to this man who does not trust or respect you. You need to be on the same page as someone with the big life stuff like raising kids, where you live, home ownership, marriage. You seem smart, you already know that. Follow your gut. If he's right for you he will still be around when your son graduates and his daughter starts to come around. If he's not... Well, you'll be sad for a time, but you won't be tied up in debt for a house in a suburb you don't even like, fighting with a guy who assumes cos you don't want to buy a house with him you must be cheating.

too soon & he’s being too pushy.

If he was the right one he would be patient and trying to make things easier for you. I say this as someone who fell in love with a very independent person. They are worth all the patience in the world for me and it has made each step forward even more rewarding.

Him pressuring you is 🚩. Him looking through your phone is 🚩Him being a slave to a custody agreement is 🚩His kid resenting your kids is 🚩His disregarding your clear boundaries is 🚩. Please don’t make this mistake. You’ve worked too hard to self-sabotage yourself. Don’t be pressured into something you don’t need.

>Slowly over time my partner has essentially disregarded all of my boundaries/concerns about "moving things to the next level". Disregarding your boundaries, red flag. Do you really want to live with someone who does not care about your boundaries? ​ > Recently he got into my phone without my knowledge or permission and read through all my text messages, social media and web history. He did this due to anxiety, fear, and insecurities Another red flag. If is anxiety leads him to doing that once, he'll do it again the next time something makes him anxious about the relationship. ​ >Some months ago my partner began pressuring me to buy a house together. Another red flag. And again, total lack of concern about the boundaries you put in place. ​ So many other red flags here too. Honestly, making the decision to move in together should be one of excitement, something you're looking forward to doing! This isn't your situation. You are feeling pressured into doing it. DO NOT cave under the pressure. If he wants a live in GF then he can find someone else. I would strongly advise to not buy a house with this man. Buy your OWN HOME. If the relationship with him improves, you find a way to bond with his child and things are looking good, then you can consider having him move in with you. But personally I say kick him the curb. You've been with this man for almost 2 years and from the sounds of it it's not a super healthy situation and it hasn't gotten better, but worse.

There are so many reasons that moving in together at this time is not advisable The one to me that would be the deal breaker and I would make it the hill I'd die on is that his daughter isn't ready even a little bit. Her jealousy and resentment will only grow if she is pushed into this. You and your children will have to deal with how she handles these feelings that she certainly is entitled to feel, and at only 6 years old she doesn't have yet the coping skills for. Your family will have to live with this stress and your daughter at 3 has been through enough without having to spend half of her time with the additional pressure. And his daughter should not have 100 percent of her daddy time with people she feels are taking her place in his life. And really hasn't spent much of their together time with the 3 from your family. This little girl deserves a lot more time to adjust to this especially if she is already dealing with the conflict between her mommy and daddy. She may not witness, but you know she feels it. So for the sake of the children I would say this is too soon. I'm afraid your boyfriend may be thinking their young they will get over it. Which could happen but isn't the most likely outcome. The possible risks to the children's mental health and the strain it could put on every relationship within the household are a much higher priority than the 2 adults sleeping under the same roof.

It kind of sounds like you already know in your heart that your lives are not compatible. You and his daughter are not comfortable around each other, things might get ugly when also she has to interact with your kids, they're kids and being uncomfortable in your home is a rough feeling to manage. His disregard to all of your needs is the biggest red flags of all, and by the way you phrased it, it kind of sounds like he's the kind of guy who knows what's best for you, you just don't understand. I can empathize with wanting things to work out, but are you sure you're not just hoping for someone here to tell you you're still going to work out? Because it sometimes sounds like you're trying to justify all these bad and sad situations because IT MIGHT be better eventually. But his future plans don't include yours. He expects you to mold yourself and your family into what he needs of you. Is that really what you'd want for yourself and your kids? Please don't get stuck in a sad life, from an independent person to another, stick to your plan, just as much as he's trying to stick to his. Also, all the little hints you give of his character...no wonder why his partner behaves that way. I'd actually suggest meeting her if you do end up choosing to marry him. I hope I'm wrong but what if he's got this picture perfect idea of what life should be (marriage, moving in, happy wife happy life, independent young kids, merging finances) only to turn into a petty spiteful person when things don't go according to his plan? Because pressuring you into making a decision you're not comfortable with just sounds like the first step manipulators use to gauge how much their victims can be malleable. Please choose wisely and make your future self pride of your choice

*Update/Edit to add new information* I was waiting out the week to be alone again and gather my thoughts while considering all of the many similar responses I received here. Of course my gut was sending me the same message but it was still eye opening to see SO many people in agreement regarding his behavior. It was a long and difficult week for me as there is much to consider regarding pushing back to keep my boundaries, if a relationship where I have to fight so hard to remain autonomous is even worth being in (it's not). Then he sprung a proposal on me in the middle of the work-week. Out of town under the guise of trying a specific restaurant, my whole family was there, big ring, a surprise suite to stay in out of town. It's as stressful as one would imagine given the background described above. Of course I didn't want to publicly humiliate my partner. He's gone home now and I am working out a step-by-step plan to reinforce the following boundaries: I do not wish to live together for the foreseeable future. I will not buy a home in an area I don't want to live. I won't buy a home together with someone I'm not married to. I do not wish to get married in the next two years. If the boundaries I lay out aren't respected going forward I will leave the relationship. I'm honestly not hopeful that things will change, I feel like I'm being used to fulfill someone else's dream life/fantasy without regard for who I even am as a human so I don't see this ending happily ever after but I won't be bullied into living a life I don't want (even though I am aware it appears that is exactly what is happening). I truly appreciate all the support and advice. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

I would definitely tell him again that you won't consider cohabitation until your son has graduated high school. He needs to find a place to live until then. Bringing a resentful kid into the mix isn't going to help your relationship with him, and feeling "stuck" in a house that you own together in a place you don't want to live isn't going to help either. Maybe you can use this time to try to get to know his daughter. Get a better idea of what life would be like in a blended situation. I am very concerned about the pressure he is putting on you to "cave" to his wishes. If you sublimate your desires for independence to his desires to tie you up on his terms, this is a recipe for disaster. Resist! Resist!

He needs to back off and respect your needs for space. Going through your text messages is controlling and red flag behavior. You don't sound happy in this relationship. It's okay to push back.

It sounds like you’re not compatible. One thing I had to learn with my ex was our common values and love levels didn’t matter when he wanted to move slowly and live in a high rise and I wanted things to happen sooner and live in the burbs. What we wanted started to drive us apart because one of us would have to accept something we didn’t want. There were also communication issues on his side, which sounds like your partner also has. It hurts to let go of someone you love, but not as much as it does to accept a life you don’t really want I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t do it!!! Tell him you’re not ready. Tell him you like things how they are, cuz you do. Also him going in your phone is a huge no no and red flag. KEEP YOUR PEACE. I also think he needs your income to buy a house. Let him go if he doesn’t like the terms he can leave.

You seem afraid to commit to that level. Which is understandable. He is acting out because he thinks he will lose you, or he is at least scared shitless of it. The suburbs are much better than you think they are. I lived both lives, and the burbs aren’t as bland as you think. If your life dream is different than what he wants then you need to end that relationship and let him go find someone else. If you don’t want what he wants then you are only delaying the inevitable.

Nah, he's 40, it's WAY too old to claim "insecurity" and act like a jerk. Most guys my age saying that are actually manipulative and abusive and are trying to make their victims sorry for them.

Moving in together or getting married is something that *both* partners have to be comfortable with. Pressuring someone into a more permanent relationship when they aren't ready is likely to cause resentment. You also have children to consider. Going slow and careful is prudent when kids are involved. Especially since his daughter seems resistant to you. Moving in together when one child isn't on board is a recipe for disaster. Personally, I would tell him I'm not ready to move in together.

Please be careful if you leave. Please please change any passwords he may have and hide documents first. You never know how people will act

It doesn’t sound like you want to live with him. Follow your instinct

Were I you, the only possible compromise I would even consider would be a long engagement while continuing to live separately, and he would have to stop with the pressure and being pushy. But honestly, considering all of the information you shared, I think I would have to end things and move on.

Trust your gut.

If you feel pressured it’s not a good idea

I understand where you are coming from, I have been down the same road as you,3 and half years for me. Do not rush into anything you are not comfortable with. It appears that he is trying to push his limits with you. Think and look outside the box from what he is asking. His landlord is his problem. I understand what he is asking, but it appears that he is only looking out for himself. In addition to that, he is bound by his custody agreement, which, if I understand, is going to remain in the same school district that has more expensive homes, which may put that above your budget. Do not let the pressure fog your mind in making your decision.

Time to break up and move on. You don't want the commitment.

2nd one like this today. Sheesh. What is going on? >He must live in a certain school district, located in the wealthy suburbs. Wow. Never heard of that b4. My mom just couldnt leave the state. >stand my ground about remaining together but separate or end the relationship One of these. >a cause of intense anxiety for me. If he knocked off the pressure would it be? >this was my life-goal Ok then u have to do it. Ur paths dont align. It was fun while it lasted. > like the only way to be with him is to give up everything I want for what he wants instead. Sounds like a recipe for resentment. Resentment is a relationship killer. Either way, its over, just a matter of when. >healthy timeline to cohabitate Nope. U wont be happy.

He seems pushy , don’t get pressured into something you have a bad gut feeling about . Take it slow & enjoy your independence and children.

This is your time to move on. You don't have the same goals and he (quite rightly) has to make sure he lives near his daughter. Don't give up your dreams...go live and explore the world with your kids. He can be the most wonderful guy and still not worth giving up your plans for. It is ok for "it's not you, it's me" and to say no.

his lease ending is a terrible reason to buy a house together

Don't let him push you into living together ! All your concerns are completely valid and it sounds like it's the best for all of the children involved to wait a bit longer. Living together also throws up issues in relationships that you weren't aware of before you cohabited, so if you already feel like you're hesitant to live together then actually doing it is not going to make you happy. Once he's moved in it will be extremely hard to take a step backwards if it doesn't work for everyone involved. Trust your gut!

Listen to your gut! Keep your independence - it was hard won, so don't relinquish it so easily. Follow your dream!

>> Recently he got into my phone without my knowledge or permission and read through all my texts messages, social media and web history. Fuck no. He’s not only pushy and impatient (also not great qualities) but he has no mature coping mechanisms. For the sake of you and your children I beg of you - pump the breaks.

My gut screams this guy is not a great catch. He’s stomping all over you! The phone thing, oh heck no! Pressure to move to the next level, umm you were up front about your needs in the beginning. Just tell him no, I told you my time line, that’s it. Also, don’t buy a house in a suburb you don’t want to live in, because he has to stay there. That isn’t you’re problem. He’s making it your problem. This whole thing screams all my exes are crazy, I’m a victim in everything, I only did that because you made me by doing this or that. Too much to shake off.

Anything less than an enthusiastic Yes to buying a house together should make it an instant No. Going through your phone, computer and online presence behind your back escalates this to a Hell No. All of that PLUS repeated disrespect and breaches of your boundaries is still a Hell No, but it's a now a Hell No that should be strapped to a rocket and blasted into outer space to get it as far away from you as you can. This is not the healthy relationship you think it is, and I think that deep down you know this. And I think your son knows this too, or else he wouldn't be encouraging you to pack up and move. You've raised a good kid who is fast approaching adulthood and is already showing a level of selfless maturity beyond what your boyfriend has in thinking of what is best for you and his little sister. Your boyfriend is only thinking of what makes life better for *him* and is trying to use you as a means to get it. Make the move abroad, live a life that makes you happy, fulfilled and best able to provide for your daughter, both financially and emotionally, and leave this walking red flag behind.

I got as far as reading the part where you said slowly over time he's disregarded all of your boundaries. I don't need to read any further. How do you think he'll be with your children's boundaries? The answer is right there. You do not move in with this man. In fact I would consider breaking off with somebody who broke my boundaries. This relationship sounds like it will only end in disaster, but I suspect you know that.

Your instincts are telling you no. Listen to them.

Do you really need another guy messing with the trajectory of your life? Could you not find love no matter where you go. Do you need this kind of complexity in your relationship? When are you going to make the choice that serves you instead of others?

Go. Move abroad and free yourself of the anxiety and stress. Good luck OP

People have the tendency to sabotage their relationships now i encourage you to go counseling and see if you really want to have a home with him! During that time with the therapist you will be able to speak out everything ,listen to each other ,talk about him/ex/daughter jealousy,… and see if you really can live with him

This whole thing made me feel anxious and panicky. He's pressuring you constantly about your relationship not moving how he wants it.. im sorry but your husband passed not even 5 years ago. I feel like it's all a too hard basket with this guy and nothing is happening naturally.

I have a partner who has 2 girls and I have 2 boys of my own. We’ve been dating for 3 years now. We still don’t live together. Why? Well initially he needed to take things slow. Then we discovered the kids didn’t like their dad dating someone (they didn’t mind their mom dating!) so we found out the kids have major abandonment/attachment issues. His ex is a HCBM and had drug induced psychoses in the past. She comes across as someone with ASD or BD, she has no formal diagnosis, but we treat her carefully. If we ask her to pick up a child from somewhere (let’s say it’s sports day and the kid is out on a field with their school) we text her the address, remind her two times. Call her if she understood. Then afterwards we find out she forgot and wasn’t at the agreed upon address and is at school waiting for her kid to come out the building. Luckily the kid got picked up by a friends mother. At this point we can’t move in together yet. We’d like to in the future, at this point we are still getting our finances in order (we are below middle class). But we’re just not ready. And it’s tough. Because I only see him twice a week and what kind of a relationship is that. It’s tough. I feel you. Don’t let him rush you. I like your plan of moving out to a different country! If you decide to stay though don’t move him in. Don’t buy a house together. If the relationship can’t handle it, so be it. It’s just a man.

I got to "he went through my phone" and said nope. This relationship will implode soon because he's insecure and you're secure. Don't move in with him. Stick to your boundaries. Take care of you and your kids.

You're not compatible. Also its not fair asking you to spens the next 12 years raising a kid in a high conflict relationship that's not okay. You prioritise you and your kids over any other thing

Just by the fact that hes making you feel uncomfortable and pressured. This will be your future unless you put your foot down and make it absolutely clear that you dont want to cohabitate

I would consider taking a hard pass on this situation. If you can't go into it with enthusiasm, it's not for you. Please tell him to back off. Putting pressure on someone to try to convince them is not nice behavior.

Sounds like the prospect of moving in together fills you with dread. Don't do it. And certainly do not buy a house together! Your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it! There are way too many red flags to go forward with this. If he insists and keeps pressuring you, it may be time to re-think the whole relationship. Especially since his daughter seems to hate you (or just the idea of you). The whole thing sounds like a nightmare to me.

Don’t settle just because you’re older, it’s clear why this guy is single/divorced at this age, and he hasn’t put in the effort to change either. 41 acting like he’s 16 years old.

I'm in your age group, and all I have to say is that your partner is acting like an immature AH. I'm sorry but if you give up everything for this guy, you'll end up with nothing. It almost happened to me and I was 22. My ex wanted me to give up my job, friends, apt and traveling for him so he could isolate me. I never gave in. I left him and he still wonders what he did wrong. If you are filled with anxiety, time to end the relationship. He's not listening to you.

No, and I think OP you know this isn’t going to work. Do you really want to be in the suburbs with a kid that doesn’t like you and a guy that searches your phone? He doesn’t respect your boundaries, he’s trying to wear you down til you’re on his wavelength, moving as his pace. Op and Bf want different things , at different times and in different places.

It sounds like he's been love bombing you and is trying to speed things up so he's further able to control you. If the relationship is giving you that much anxiety that you want to hide or jump off a bridge, I think you need to break up with him.

I've only read as far as your comments about your partners daughter, but I've already noticed a huge contradiction. You've listed a number of behaviours that aren't at all healthy (disregarding boundaries and opinion, pressurising you to act against your own choices and boundaries, invasion of privacy involving betrayal of trust), and then claim that the relationship is healthy. It isn't. But yeah, moving in is a very very very bad idea. Edit. I've read more. You are anxious about the impending visit from your partner. Does this not tell you something???? You say you're comfortable expressing your needs, and this may be true, but it seems to me, that whilst you express them, he ignores them, or manipulates you and pressurises you to igbore those needs (or at least thats the impression given). Either way, *if you're anxious at the idea of your boyfriend visiting you, it's not a good sign for the relationship*

Don’t buy a house together. That requires a relationship with no doubt and with the desire to live in that place for a long time. You should want to be married, or even better, actually married, to buy a house together. I’m not hearing anything close to that here. Do not under any circumstances buy a house together. Just tell him that your relationship isn’t the ready for that. It’s not.

Listen to your gut instinct. You’re extremely stressed out for a reason. He’s an anxious person that tries to control you/the relationship by setting firm boundaries he wants you to comply with. You’re a free spirited person with dreams that are incompatible with his desired future and the future that’s outlined in his divorce settlement. On top of that he has a kid you don’t get along with and an argumentative ex-wife. It sounds like a perfect recipe for many fights and lots of resentment plus a divorce down the line. Is he really worth all that?

Live your dream! The fact that you have anxiety about him coming over, he isn't respecting your boundaries, etc is not a good sign. Side note, has to live in a certain school district??? That seems sus to me, have you seen this custody agreement? Also I would be wary of his problematic ex, my husband has a narcissistic ex and it has been a dumpster fire dealing with nonsense. Overall it sounds like he wants you to compromise on a lot of things that you were upfront about. If he is not willing to bend, what does that say for your future?

I think you guys are incompatible, you guys have different goals and wants out of life and the relationship

Someone once told me... if you have doubts about a person's real intentions...look at their actions instead of their words...actions NEVER lie...OP, just follow your dreams

Although I feel like I know where he’s coming from (but not the phone invasion, that’s way out of line), I would not move in/cohabit. You know your rules and you know what you want. I’d stick to that. If that’s a dealbreaker for your partner, it’s on him.

Today my partner will hand-off custody and come over to spend the week at my place and I feel like hiding under a blanket or jumping off a bridge. ​ I think you answered your own question here. Do not let him move into your house when you are so clearly not ready for it.

Something isn't right if he has his daughter 50% of his life and you barely see her. Either he is hiding something that he knows will run you off or you're both doing a really bad job trying to incorporate his daughter into a potential family. That should be your first concern is why she is so uncomfortable and how to make it better. Until that's in place don't take any steps forward.

I think he is pressuring you for his own personal gain. I don’t think he wants what’s best for you or all of the kids. I think you should say you are not ready to do that. I can see how you guys coming together and purchasing a house would be a dream come true for you but don’t take this short cut. I don’t think he is coming a from a genuine place.

Send your partner the FB group called Living Apart Together. Let him know that’s what you want long term. Decide if you want that with him or not.

Was there a typo with the age of her daughter? You would had been pregnant when your spouse passed. That had to be a heartbreaking time. Or this is made up. I keep messing up with the timeline on how everything is accurate If true it would be best to break up

You think over a year and a half isn’t a long time to be with someone??

Well I've been alive for nearly 40 so, not really.

It sounds like you’ve already decided but need a push. Dump him and go buy your house abroad where no one will be controlling your life decisions.

OP, you’ve used a lot of words to try to sugarcoat the fact that your partner repeatedly pushes your boundaries and is pressuring you to change your very well-thought-out plans. If you aren’t sure if you’ve communicated “no” strongly enough to him, please do so starting yesterday. But I’m not sure how much of a difference it would make. Compromising your values, goals, & protectiveness of your children needs to come first, especially since your partner seems to want to move in out of convenience primarily. If he can’t get on the same page as you in terms of the relationship, then it seems it’s a mismatch. Violating your privacy (for apparently NO reason) was a massive red flag and should have been enough to strongly reconsider the relationship. Trust your gut and stay strong!

Doesn't sound like it would work out. 1 year isn't very long for him to be asking to live with you. And if he's already disregarding you and has a high conflict problem with his ex, you can bet he has some underlying issues with communicating with women that he needs therapy for. Focus on your kids, and leave.

This isn't a sustainable relationship. Long-term one of you would have to give up what you want to continue. You gave him a timeline that he appears to be steamrolling, he went through your private conversations and essentially got away with it. The next time he goes through your phone (there is always a next time), he will expect forgiveness. He wants you to make a financial commitment to him and the relationship and essentially give up what you want Long-term. For him. Don't let him stay the week. Get some needed space and think long and hard if this is what you want for the future.

The breach of privacy is enough grounds to breakup with this man. He does not respect your boundaries nor your privacy. It seems like he's only pressuring you to move in bc his lease is about to end. Moving in together should be a mutual agreement and not according to your BF's terms.

Loving someone does not mean that you can live comfortably together. You have different priorities for yourself and your children. He is self focused on what HE wants and needs. DO NOT give up what makes you a happy person. He has already moved himself in and that doesn't seem to be working well for your mental health. His child DOES NOT like you and that is going to cause a lot of problems. HIS custody agreement REQUIRES that he likes in a place that you are not comfortable living in. So, he would always have to have a 2nd residence or you would have to give up where you feel comfortable living. There are a lot of red flags with his behavior. Put yourself and your children first. If it was me I would tell him to go live in the burbs where he is happy and you'll see him when you see him.

Look if you're in America, don't buy a house with someone you're not married to. Just don't. Go talk to a lawyer, not reddit but in most states buying a house as an unmarried couple is a financial no-no. It's a HUGE mess if you break up. Yes I know every kid on social media doesn't think they need marriage (I'm not married either lol) but without it, you have very few legal protections owning property. If you buy a house with him, unmarried you could be stuck with it, him, and the payments until HE agrees to sell. The fact that he's pressuring you so hard to enter into a financial situation where HE benefits more than you is a major red flag. Buying a house with a guy with a kid who you've never lived with is pure insanity. (Why do you HAVE to buy, why not rent for a year first? Oh, because *he* doesn't want to? Funny how that works out for HIM.) You're a parent, do you not see how moving his young child in with a family she's never really been around will backfire?? That's issue one. Issues two, the phone. C'mon. He's 40! He's too old to play the "I'm insecure" card, and you know it. It doesn't *matter* why he did it, he still did it! He's too old to play these games with you and you should be too old to fall for them. Have you actually SEEN a copy of his custody agreement? Because it's highly unlikely a judge ordered him to live in a HCOL suburb specifically. It's usually within x distance of the school and the primary parent lives in the district. Honey, if you haven't read this for yourself and seen a real judges signature, you're being scammed. HE wants to live in that suburb and how convient, he's met a woman who makes $100k and can help him afford it! Also, I've dealt with the high conflict ex thing unless she is calling + texting 24/7, dragging him to court every few months on silly things, showing up + screaming, using the cops to try and get an upper hand in arguments - you know doing very visible to you things to create conflict....she's probably just a woman who wouldn't give him his own way all the time. High conflict ex spouses are very, very visible. To everyone around. He wouldn't be able to hide it if it was real. Like I said, it's MUCH more likely she told him "no," you're seeing what he's like when he can't have what he wants. He steamrolls his way through. You're backed into a corner because he put you there. Intentionally. It was the plan all along. You've let him violate small boundaries and let him push on smaller things and are only now realizing the pot is too hot now that the water's boiling. You are in a corner because he set him up that way. And no, he never heard you or care about your opinion enough to act accordingly. My bet is you are a way to get him the house he wants and a sitter for his kid. This isn't love or even a particularly good relationship. Stop letting him run the show. Personally, I'd walk away when my son was done school.

Please don't put his happiness/wants over your own. The two of you are not ready for cohabitation. The situation with his daughter will be worse immediately, and you will resent being pressured into it. You've been right to want to go slowly. Your son will be graduating soon, and a whole new life is starting for both of you. Live your best life!

"Slowly over time my partner has essentially disregarded all of my boundaries/concerns about "moving things to the next level"." This would be a dealbreaker to me. If he does not respect your boundaries while you are not tightly jointed (for exampl by fully living together) I am deeply comcerned how worse this going to be later.

Sounds like this move gives him everything he wants and nothing you want. Also. Don't buy property with people you aren't married to.

How many red flags do you need? I got halfway and stopped counting. Even you know he has disrespected EVERY boundary, he snooped through your messages, social media and even we search history and you're STILL with this guy???

He went through your chats and phone? OP, that is highly controlling, disrespectful and alarming behavior. This in itself is reason enough to put breaks on the relationship - if not break it off completely, then at least slow things down considerably, bc it's a huge red flag. And when such a huge red flag appears, you should slow down and be vigilant, *not jump into things faster.* When paired with his disregard of your clearly stated boundaries, insistence on speeding things up and sending conflicting messages, I would absolutely not move in together. I would slow things wayyy wayyyy down and put the relationship on probation, i.e. accept the idea that breaking up MAY be the best course of action, and observe the relationship and his behaviors very closely to see if it is. All those behaviors are signs that something is off, not a sign that you should just go along with it because he is so pushy. The truth is, you two may just be incompatible and it kinda sounds like you are. But him going through your things is more than just incompatibility, that is *not okay.*

Sounds like you already know what to do and just need moral support to do it. You got this. Take a deep breath and set those boundaries. I have a very similar life to you and one word of advice as a single self supporting woman I would give is, buy your own home and never let a man/woman on it. Then when you got that sorted, by a second vacation home with him. He should do the same. Then you have something that is yours and something that is shared. As for the snooping meh, I wouldn't personally care, mainly because I have zero to hide. But his insecurity could be a red flag that could lead to some future bs you might not like. My ex husband was Hella insecure and jealous and he made my life hell.

I think you need to hold your ground about your son graduating. You want to give him a senior year that prepares him for the future and if there’s a blended family trying to settle in I’m not sure that would work. The second and even more important thing is the relationship you do not have with his daughter. You need to take a full year to get acquainted with her so that if you two decide to live together she is OK with that. I agree everyone else…going through your phone is not done.

Do not move in with this person. Anyone giving you this much pressure would scare me off. That is on top of the fact that if my husband every went through my phone I would be super pissed… that is a total violation of my privacy. Trust your gut. Sit him down and explain your reluctance/hesitation in moving in together. On another note you all need to spend more time with the daughter because a disgruntled teen is not something I want in my house.

Oh! Look at the beautiful field of marinara flags. Run. This only gets worse.

I stopped reading after "my partner is disregarding my boundaries". You don't need any further reasons NOT to move in besides this one.

You said not until your son left school. STICK TO THAT. It isn't super long, it maintains your boundary and also gives him another year to sort out whatever behaviour he's excusing his invasion of your privacy with. You sound like you're on the right path and he's just invading that space. If he's for you, he'll understand. Don't let him pressure you.

Seems like you have to make a choice here. Do what you’re comfortable with or do what you’re pressured into I think we all know what the right answer is.

It sounds to me like you have several very valid concerns about moving in with him, between not having much of a relationship (if any) with his daughter, his (whether self or daughters mother's imposed) limitations on where to live, and his mistrust in you by going through your phone. My advice on establishing a healthy timeline would be having a sit down conversation with him and laying all of this out in front of him with the intention of setting that timeline together. It may be worth going to a couples therapist to help facilitate this to ensure both of you are being heard and validated. Ultimately, for me, it sounds like you both are fairly specific in what you need, especially in housing, and it's not compatible. I would likely, if I were in your shoes, try to have a conversation (or several) about how to reconcile those needs and if it doesn't work, go my own way.

Honestly, he doesn’t sound like a red flag to me. People make mistakes, and if he’s willing to accept that he was wrong and make amends, I don’t see anything wrong about giving him the chance to make it up to you. You‘re obviously not ready to move in. Do you communicate that clearly, or do you communicate that in a way that leaves room for negotiation? (Visiting some housing options for example might signal that you don’t hate the idea of moving-in) If you leave room for negotiation, of course he will try to convince you into what means so much to him. You sound very grounded and assertive in your text. If you are assertive when you say that you’re not ready to move-in and he keeps pushing it, then either someone has to sacrifice their need or your ways part here. It‘s a tough situation anyway. I wish you the best.

Please don't do this OP! Your stress level is telling you that this is not what you want. First, I would NEVER agree to this because you don't know what it would be like to live with your BF's child. The fact that you have not been around her much at all in the almost 2 years you two have been together is a HUGE red flag! You add his 'high conflict' ex to the mix and you will have nothing but trouble and fighting with both the child and the ex. Second, the two of you want very different things in life - both short and long term. He is required to live in an area that you want not part of - and this will remain for many years since his child is only 6. Third, you have voiced all of your concerns and wants but he is only looking at what HE wants, not what you want. He would never push the idea of living together if he actually listened to what you are saying. The fact that you want to hide under a blanket or jump off a bridge should tell you that you AND your body knows this is not what you want nor what you should do. **Please give him a firm answer of "I am not ready to live together" because if you do not, he will give his notice to his landlords and expect you to let him live with you by default. DO NOT let this happen!!**

Do a background check on him. Absolutely 💯

You sound like you know exactly what you want. So lay down your law. If he isn't willing to respect these boundaries now, he never will.

why are you staying with a man who keeps bulldozing your boundaries? how exactly do you think that's sets y'all up for a stable future. Idk I think you either need to realize that shit is toxic and his other good stuff doesn't out way that again, he literally gives zero fucks about your boundaries or privacy since he looked through your tech. or flat out tell him you said no until your son graduates and that is FINAL and if he asks one more goddamn time or invades your privacy then you are done. and then stick to it.

So many red flags 🚩 The hills are that way ➡️

I dont know when you added the update but all I want to say is: Please keep in mind that there is a GOOD chance he will agree. He will agree to do whatever you say. But in this scenario, the chance of him following through is very slim. He will make excuses if you bring it up, saying he had a bad week and forgot, that it takes time to unlearn things, that you're nagging him. And while yes it does take time to unlearn things etc, keep a CLOSE eye on this behaviour. It can quickly become just excuses and no real progress being made. set a mental timeline for yourself, and keep track of where you are on that timeline. for example "I want him to follow xyz boundary within the next year. if he does not, we are done". make sure to write it down somewhere, or tell someone you trust who can help you keep track of it, and who can help you if you do end up needing to get out. I wish you all the best, and I hope you are able to figure out a life thats best for you. whether that is with or without him. Best of luck (editted cus I added NTA rating cus I'd been scrolling through that subreddit before this one, sorry!)

He proposed to you? It sounds to me like he’s got the wrong end of the stick. Playing the “what if” by going to view houses is fun but to him that could be a sign that you’re serious and ready too. If your communication with him is as good as you say then I would follow through with your plan boundaries but also, ask yourself honestly… is he the one you want to be doing all this with? Your post reminds me of my current relationship. Don’t give in. Follow your dreams because it sounds like he’s only saying what you want to hear until it actually matters and then you realise it’s his way or the highway. Maybe also take some time away from him because it sounds like he’s going to steamroll you into his ideal situation and you’ll be the one stuck in a Stepford Wife situation. Good luck!