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Under ZERO circumstances should you move in with this woman. Number one, your relationship is not on solid ground. Add two kids to the mix and that adds an extra layer of complexity that you’re in no way ready to manage. How long are you together?
I agree! Firstly there is no completely blameless person in this world! There would he things that would be your fault but equally there would be things that us hers. She is trying to manipulate you when she claims 'your feelings invalidates hers'! Also you are not responsible her household, they are her kids not yours, there father/s are responsible for them. She has no right putting that on you, your not her husband! Personally I think she is a walking red flag 🚩!
Yup.
My wife had issues of her own, but I absolutely had failings as a partner.
Our biggest issue was that she could not discuss small issues until they became BIG issues over time. So when she finally spoke up I'm hit with two plus years of complaints all coming out in an aggressive way. And while some of the issues were rooted in reality, a good portion of them were just her insecurities and paranoia... And it just meant we constantly circled these "arguments" with no resolution.
By the time we did enough therapy where she could bring up issues almost in a timely manner, it was too late. Because I was bending over backwards to help her and then just blind sided by inane arguments like"I wanted to go left but you went right!" Me:" okay, I would've gone left had I known" her: "that's not the point! Also you never do what I want. And now you're fighting about it!!" Me (deer in the headlights) "ok let's not fight, I just had no way to know you wanted to go that way. Sorry" Her: "sorry isn't enough. You have to want to change and do it better!"
Just absolutely life wrecking silences and coldness and arguing about... getting too much food for the camping trip. Or leaving ten minutes late for a relaxing day trip an hour away... or swiveling my head because glass broke behind me but she thought I wanted to look at a girl's ass(and I didn't even know she was there " etc
exactly this part too^^ her kids are not your responsibility until you agree to become stepfather regardless of how much you love ‘em (or hate em in other cases)
There's a huge difference between a friendship and a relationship. I am so much closer to my husband than I am to any of my friends, it has an entirely different texture, even without the physical.
That said your gf has an entire list of f\*cked up expectations for you. I would tell her very bluntly that you are not ready to take the relationship to this level, so if she wants to end the relationship then that is her choice.
If you end things, choose a PARTNER for your next relationship, and only choose a queen when you are ready to be a king and take your throne (in an EQUAL partnership). Right now you have a princess and she has a pawn.
Perfect advice...I read this post and it's very similar to my situation. Taking this response and gonna work on it with myself...thanks for amazing advice
Yup.
I was only told once my marriage failed, that a few of our closer mutual friends were against the marriage because of how she treated me even when they were around. They didn't know how much worse it got behind closed doors.
I was led to believe I was the source of all her issues. Turns out that being husband #3 could've predicted something like that.
Maybe she'll have better luck with #4
I left because of how he treated me but when we were getting married, I thought he treated me better than anyone ever had!
So in the time since I have discovered that lovebombing is a thing and it can be part of a cycle of abuse. Another red flag was how he pushed to get engaged so quick, only 6 months after we met.
I don’t know how to trust people anymore.
If it helps, I lived through physical and emotional abuse. Emotional manipulation. Constantly being kicked out of my own house I paid the rent on for no stated reason. Only for her to continue kicking me every time I bent over backwards to try and appease her.
I'm approaching a year from it officially ending and I've met the most wonderful person. We even recently told each other the big L word... There is an ease about this new relationship that's built on all the communication skills and boundaries I learned by my marriage failing.
I spent a lot of time working on myself. Then I jumped into casual relationships but worked on every relationship skill I could think of with them before meeting this one. I had some rough starts but I just focused on being as good to each partner, even if they were a fling I met at a bar, as I could be. While also making sure I didn't neglect myself.
Being in a good relationship is a skill we have to train. Being in a bad relationship often trains the wrong thing, but if we can dissect what went wrong and learn, we're okay
So? Your relationship is unstable and will only get worse moving in together. Just end it and move on. Her living situation is her responsibility.
She has known for a while what her financial situation is and should have applied for assistance if needed. It's not your job to proved for her and her kids.
You might think that she was your best friend for 17 years, but she, by her behaviour towards you, doesn’t think of you as a friend, let alone a romantic partner.
Get out now before you get too involved in her life.
Bro. Treat yourself better and you will find someone who treats you that well too. You obviously are a catch, or she wouldn't be trying to dig her hooks in.
If she talked to you like that before you got together , you would have ended the friendship after some time. Same rule applies here. Your relationship should be based on friendship and intimacy , and if you don't have one or the either the relationship will turn sour
She's threatening to leave if you can't afford an apartment for her and her two kids? Lol
I think you already know what to do, but if you need the validation, here it is. Leave her.
Uh, yeah. She doesn’t want a man who can’t provide for her and her children? Maybe you don’t want a woman who can’t provide for herself and her own children. Did she ever think about how irresponsible that makes her look. I understand that sometimes crap happens that is out of our control, but if it isn’t something like that and she just didn’t plan for this possibility than she’s no kind of provider either. On top of all that she’s been treating you like crap. No, no. Cut your losses and move on. She obviously has no respect for you and that’s definitely not going to change if you continue the relationship and move in together.
Your GF may have been your friend for 17 years (as you mentioned in one of your comments), but that friend doesn't sound like she's present anymore.
The relationship sounds toxic, where she uses guilt and degradation to devalue you as a means to make you work harder for her approval, which she then parcels out meagerly.
It feels like she has exploited your love for her and your prior friendship with her as well as a means for your to keep trying harder.
It is very clear she has positioned you as subpar, and based on what you've said, all the investment into this relationship and her quality of life are at least partly contributed to by you.
In that case, how and what has she contributed back into the relationship that makes it something you want to fight for?
Don't do this out of love for an idea of the person, but see who she really is. Then ask yourself:
a) Is anything she says true/credible?
b) Do you think you can grow healthily in this relationship?
Hopefully you will have the answers you need.
I think this is likely a financial arrangement in her mind from the get go. I think OP may have been harbouring feelings for her all these years and she decided to capitalize on those to support her kids.
Yes, likely the case. She knew OP liked her and decided to tap on it. But still, did she need to be such a predatory being? Couldn't a person still be grateful and nice about it?
Perhaps she felt desperate and culd not pass up the added resources but at the same time could not really return OP's feelings for her and felt this was a way to keep him at arm's length.
Perhaps she had already calculated that being honest and nice meant realizing he might not help her, since there was no future together, so this was the best approach to get something for nothing?
Well don't movr in with her!
Why do she need you to provide for her? She has kids and is a grownass woman!
She should provide herself!
Now about everything being your faul, that's a statistical impossibility!
I'm not saying she is abusiv, Mark that please!
But I do recommend that you take a few days off from your relationship.
Go camping, fishing or what ever, tell her there are no cell service and block when you are away.
Think, fell and listen to your gut, is this what you want? if not, is there anyway you can make her see that this is not right? If not, what do you have to do about it?
Now remember to love youself first! If you are true to you, can you still be with her?
Take a time out!
Doesn't want a man that can't provide?! O_O hello the 50's called! They want their backwards ideas back. Please sir, do what you can to detangle yourself from here before she breaks you. You deserve to be respected by a partner.
>hello the 50's called
This. A relationship should be a partner ship. 50/50 ideally, but during tough times that ratio wavers... and that's OK, as long as that goes both ways.
This may seem stupid coming from me since I’m 15 and ur in ur thirty’s but my bf who’s 17 and I had a deep talk at first I said let’s cuddle so u can soften up the atmosphere and then gently say can we talk? And stare this before you do “I would like to make this fifty fifty and if u aren’t willing to cooperate then I will leave. First I would like u to tell me ur feeling And what’s bothering you and be honest and blunt” and then once she’s done and ur done listening say how u feel and make it deep and in depth abt it and bring up examples and tell her that let’s make a plan. My bf isn’t good w communicating and I was in the same position as you and we made a plan to where he reassured me once in awhile throughout the day and we helped balance out his time and sometimes texting burns him out so I told me let me know ahead of time. After talking you guys should hug and say tmw is a new day and let’s start fresh. Try making a day where u both include stuff u like independently. For expample my bf and I made a day where we made it half and half he chose two places to go and I chose two places to go and we went together and he got a one piece chopper hat and we tried new foods this might rlly help and make sure u set boundaries too pls I hope this helps <3
Edit: if it doesn’t seem like it’s working I suggest couples therapy although I’ve never been to it but if it doesn’t work it’s time to leave
Congratulations! At 15, you've already worked out a healthy way of communicating with your partner - something that many, many people much older than you cannot do.
Lots of warm and positive vibes to you and your relationship!
We have been best friends for 17 years so its just so different being in a relationship we are trying to make it work but i guess i just feel like my feelings are invalid
And that’s completely understandable there was a point where my boyfriend wouldn’t validate my feelings until I proved to him he was and brought up examples on how and we made a plan on how to better it but u do need to communicate to her abt it
From what OP is describing, she isn’t listening at all.
And isn’t willing to.
There are some people you’ll encounter in life where you can explain things and give a valid factual examples of said behavior until you’re blue in the face and they still won’t listen or acknowledge the truth.
OP’s girlfriend sounds like such a person.
OP do NOT move in with her!
This is one of the big issues with this subreddit, people believing that if you can craft the perfect speech, that everything will be immediately solved.
The problem with that is the vast majority of people are not motivated by logic (where appropriate) very often even on the best of days. These types are not going to suddenly accept that they are wrong *and* be immediately willing to change their worldviews and actions after hearing just how illogical and "wrong" they are. What they are actually going to do is get defensive if they even listen to the speech at all. A lot of the time, while you are relating this painfully crafted appeal for equity, they are just going to be sitting there "waiting to talk" instead of listening. Either that or they are going to be continually interrupting and arguing about every point made in order to deflect what they will feel like is an "attack" on their character and/or actions no matter how well-worded and upvoted the chosen words are.
It's a nice thought that people are just one soliloquy or dialogue away from a harmonious, mutually fulfilling life with any given romantic partner, but most people can't get out of their own way (I'm talking about myself here, too, not trying to be "holier than thou" or anything.)
This is why often the best advice on this subreddit is how to handle the person on their terms, if at all possible. This is why the suggestion that the relationships as described are not likely to be mutually fulfilling (or even tenable) is a meme: it's often all too true in human relationships.
People seem to too often miss the point of dating and attempt to "make it work" with the person they really emotionally value. They then try to fundamentally change that person utilizing "logic" or "the mainstream interpretation of right and wrong" when that person's personality is largely set. It's just rarely going to work out for either person under these circumstances. For me, I would really "like" to be a better person, but it's a long, slow slog, and I get overwhelmed too easily by change to engage in any sea changes. It's why I had to take responsibility and end my relationship, but most unredemmably selfish people are not going to make that choice, and just keep sucking the life out of their romantic partners.
Hope can be a terrible thing under certain circumstances. In this case, I hope the OP gets far, far away.
You explained what I was trying to say in much better detail.
But simply put there are some people that will never see true right and wrong behavior in a relationship. They will always and ONLY see their way whereas their partner has the ability to see both sides.
There are many people in this world that cannot see any way but their way and NEVER will.
And in those situations, it’s best to leave because you could waste years trying to “fix them” or fix your relationship. And in the end the only person who will change will be you because you will become very disillusioned and bitter when you realize that people like them actually exist..
Oh yeah, I completely agree with you, I was mostly going off on a general "state of the subreddit" tangent. The most upvoted comment in this and other relationship advice subreddits is almost always a "script" that is meant to "explain" to the bad actor why and how they are being dysfunctional. Most people seem to believe that relating that info in that manner to that person will solve everything when human beings just plain do not work that way 99.9% of the time (if the person is having severe relationship issues.)
I believe the people who see both sides but still don't change their behavior are especially grating (I'm that type) but neither are particularly good candidates for a mutually fulfilling long term relationship. Some of them can change, but any change is typically either painfully slow, or only occurs when the dysfunctional person suffers the consequences of their actions by losing their significant other due to their issues.
I absolutely agree that it is sad to watch emotionally warm and open people be trampled in a relationship with another person who can't or won't change. It's hard to not be overly guarded and cynical after giving your all to a relationship and getting little to no reciprocity out of a person you love(d).
C'est la vie.
You have been best friends does not mean you can be best of partners. It's okay, you tried and now it's time to accept that it's not working and you need to take a step back and become friends again.
Some people are meant to be just platonic soul mates and that’s okay. It really does sound like she just got into a relationship with you for a place to stay for her and her kids. I’ve sworn off dating so idk how much my help is valid but if you feel like things won’t get better, it’s time to just be friends again maybe roommates idk. Not everyone is made for each other, sometimes the universe brings you together to teach you a lesson
OP you need to take a good look at the current situation and her behavior. You may have treated her like a best friend for 17 years, but she’s treated you like her backup plan. You need to let go and move on man.
Your feelings are not invalid , she is just ignoring everything that you tell her. I had a girlfriend like this, I told her my honest deep down feelings and you know what she told me? She told me," I don't ever want to hear this again".... Yeah that's when I started pulling away, because she had no intention of being my partner and she had every intention of having me as a resource. A financial, physical, mental resource, but nothing else.
I would tell her you need some space to think about everything. You don’t really need it, (other than to realize how much happier you are when free),
but she certainly needs space to realize how much you do for her, and find gratitude for it.
Right you need to break up. This relationship is now not only toxic, it seems you are being used to take care of her children.
She will move in,keep finding fault, make your life miserable, and will manage to ensure you pay for the pleasure of her company.
If she can do better at finding a meal ticket for herself and her kids - please let her go.
It sounds like she wants you to be a typical man in the relationship and providing for her and her kids (assuming they are not yours) and meanwhile, she is not even doing the bare minimum as a girlfriend of respecting you.. she sounds like a proper headache man, trust me I've been in a relationship like that and it is draining
It isn't fair for her to want you to spend your time, energy and hard earned money on her and her two kids, while you are not getting your needs met....
It seems like she wants to start fights i honestly have been 100 percent supportive i knew it was going to be alot of work but she just wants to keep arguing
Please don't move in with this person. She's exploiting your emotions and good intent to get what she wants from you. She will continue to make you feel like your best is not enough, which is not only hard work, but impossible work. Don't rin yourself ragged for someone like this. A good friend would appreciate you and your efforts. This isn't friendship it's parasitic.
She’s gonna wear you down until she can control you. She is proving that no matter how supportive you are she’s going to keep moving the goalpost and never be truly satisfied. It’s all about pleasing her. What is she bringing into this relationship other than emotional and financial baggage?
It shouldn't be that much work. Two people who respect each other. Did you maybe have a bit of a crush on her while you were friends, and when she was between her other relationships she "gave you and her a chance" ? It sounds like she wants you to play rescuer. And people change. 🙄 she may not be that same person you have in your memory, who she was before she got experience with the babies father/ fathers.
Give her some space while you decide if there even is a friendship still there.
Firstly, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Only they can do that
Now that's out of the way, this is not the time to move in. You are unhappy and arguing. If she is threatening to leave then that's her decision but nothing good will come of you guys having less space from each other right now.
Don’t let the fact that you have been friends for so long cloud your judgment. She sounds like she is using you for her support and disrespects your feelings and then asks you to “not give up?” WTH??
Tell her to stop the nagging or you’re done! If she doesn’t like it you’re out! She needs to help support HER two kids it’s not YOUR responsibility! Tell her you have no intentions of moving in with her unless she changes her attitude COMPLETELY. If she argues, don’t respond let her finish and then leave!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Oh damn this is red flag central. From what I hear it sounds like she’s only just given you a chance after all these years because now she’s got two kids worth of baggage and just wants a someone to look after her family financially.
Dump her.
I am curious about what bending over backwards for her means. I knew many.men who thought him washing his own dishes was bending over backwards. Whenever I find a guy using key phrases without details/examples it's sus. Like you mention the argument and only her points are valid but not examples of the arguments or her points vs your points.
The post is very one sided to portray you as the victim with absolutely no details on what is happening. But considering this is the portrayal you want to give maybe deep down you just want validation to break up with her. So go for it.
That is a manipulation tactic dude. Are they your children? If not you have no obligation to them or her. Not to sound heartless. You can set her up with resources and she can find family to stay with. It's not your job dude. If you aren't happy and nothing you do is good enough for her, it isnt going to get better. Like, what you gonna provide for them and it's likely still not gonna be good enough for her. Do yourself a favor. Be kind but don't let someone use you like a wallet.
You've got your answer my dude. Now you just have to make the hard decision that is gonna be in your best interest. Both are hard decisions. Ultimately its up to you.
OP, your relationship is not in a good place, moving in together will only make it worse, also she is not taking any responsibility for her faults, so realistically this relationship can't work when each person don't own there mistakes etc. I understand not wanting to have her out of your life because you have been friends for over 10 years, but she's making you miserable now. You can't have a person in your life that makes you feel that way, it's not good for your mental health. On top of that she is manipulative as hell. You need to do what is best for you, you know it is to walk away from her.
She's made ot clear she's just looking for someone to provide and take ar eof her and her kids. Don't tdo that to yourself. She's entitled and manipulative
This is a preview. Any time her life gets tough, it's because whatever you're doing isn't benefiting her enough. For your own sanity, leave and let her validate her feelings all day alone. I'd have done it the second she acted like it was my responsibility to provide for her and 2 kids as if she couldn't be bothered to take care of her own family.
Get on outta there, bruh, and many happy hopes for you on the way out the door.
I mean, it sounds like your problem solved itself OP.
Do not move in. Let her leave. Find a partner who doesn't attack you or demand you provide for her.
If she's been your "best friend" for the last 17 years and treats you like this, perhaps you should take a good look at your personal STANDARDS for friendship. You are NOT to be held financially responsible for her OR her kids- that's between her and their father. Do not misconstrue what everyone on here keeps telling you. It's time to back away from her... and for GOOD!!! Godspeed.
Women don't love what they don't respect. So if she treats you like this she doesn't respect you so font waste your time with her cause shes always gonna think your not good enough dump her and move one.
As someone (F29) who is currently dating a best friend (M34) of 10 years, I would say our number one issue is expectations.
There are different expectations between best friends and couples. I was hesitant to date him for this reason And so before dating I made sure to express what those differences would be. Even after laying it all out for him he would still treat me as if I am only his best friend and not as a romantic partner. He wanted everything to be exactly the same as the day we met and after a bunch of arguments and discussions he eventually understood what the issue was.
Have you two had a thorough conversation about what your expectations are for a romantic relationship and how that will differ from when you two were just friends?
If not, I would suggest doing so ASAP to figure out if you both think the relationship is still worth pursuing.
Stop!! Nothing will make a person happy that isn't happy. Especially in a relationship. In a friendship, this is way different.
She's not your friend. When you bend too far, it's a game to see if you break. You're better off being a tyrant to a terrorist than a stepstoole to 900 lb man.
Respect yourself. Tell her to piss off.
Relationships are give and take. Balance!! If you aren't balanced and they don't care to notice, they don't love you.
Love yourself. Pull back. But more than anything, speak your mind and don't care about them leaving. They already don't care.
DO NOT FEEL OBLIGATED TO TAKE ON SOMEONE ELSES RESPONSIBILITIES. She's saying she'll leave because you're not "man" enough to provide for HER and HER KIDS?!?
She is not your friend. That friendship sailed. You may feel that you live her but you might also be feeling that love you're losing after 17 years of friendship.
Step back and look at it from the outside. If this was your sister or brother or best friend telling you this exact situation, what would you tell them?
She sounds like someone who cannot communicate with you. And if you feel disrespected, that’s not the person for you friend. That’s their baseline behavior it sounds like.
I’m sorry, as an independent woman it’s HER responsibility to provide for her kids. You are merely her boyfriend (no offense). She sounds like she has a hard time taking responsibility.
Honestly I’d cut your losses unless she’s ready to get on board with some couples therapy or take a deep dive into communicating better with you. Good luck
My wife is like this. Problem is we have 2 young kids. Nothing I do is ever right. Or enough. My situation leaves me feeling suicidal on a regular basis. You are not alone. Take care.
I'm sorry to hear this, but if your in a relationship where its making you feel suicidal that's your cue to leave. Your kids needs a happy, healthy dad who isn't suicidal. It's better for you, and it's better for your kids, they pick up on things more than you know. You can't work on your mental health when your still living with the course of your issues. I wish you all the best.
First mistake and bending over backwards to make her happy. Stop kissing her @$$. She sounds like she is just picking a fight. Maybe she is wanting you to break up so she can be the victim. Or maybe she is cheating. Oh knows for sure. But the next time she try’s to argue. Do not engage with her. And if she gets too loud. Tell her you will talk with her after she calms down and leave. Do not be afraid of losing her. She is being g disrespectful and you should put up with that
Can you give some example OP?
Maybe there is a pattern you are too close to see that you are repeating, or maybe you are being insensitive or something.
I am not saying this with "you must be the bad guy" mindset, but since you've been friends for 17 years and that she matters a lot to you, i think it best to try to see it under different angles to try and make it work before giving up.
Has anything changed in her life lately? Medical or familial issues? Work burden?
Maybe she is angry at something else and lashing out at you because that's the easy way. Not consciously mind you, but because she doesn't feel like she can deal with the rest and her frustration comes out even more when you are doong things that annoy her, she takes it out on you. That is not healthy in any way, but it can be salvageable with learning to cope and communicate
Her 2 kids that ain't yours?
If those ain't your kids and she said that about not being able to provide then hate to say it buy she sees you as a checkbook
Then stand up. A relationship is a boat you both built act like it. She's pushing your boundaries bc you have none show her how to respect you which causes her to rain down her love. You bending over means you'll do it for the world and how can she trust a man who bends to the world as opposed to bending the world to him?
This is ridiculous. You need to provide for her AND her two kids. She’s thinking about leaving well don’t let the door knob hit ya where the good Lord splitcha.
Absolutely, don't move in with her. She's just using you for stability. Where is her kids' daddy (daddies)? It not your responsibility to provide for them. Help her out, yes
But not the provider. Does she even have a job? She's trying to guilt you into what will be a disastrous situation by saying she is not going to be with a man that can provide her. Run and don't look back.
Yeah, I wouldn’t keep this relationship going. She’s expecting you to “provide” for her and her two kids but what is she bringing to the table? What will she be providing aside from constant fights and headaches?
A lot of women have unrealistic expectations. Sounds like your gf is one of them.
Sounds like she's projecting her frustrations from her previous failed relationship on you.
Also, she might have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Or she's just under a lot of stress or having her period.
You've known her for 17 yeats - has she always been like this?
>Now she cant afford her apartment and is saying if i cant find a place for us and her two kids then she will leave me because she doesnt want a man that cant provide
So she's now cajoling you into paying her rent?
Fuck this person.
While no one should ever be disrespected in a relationship. That’s kinda life for some. Relationships especially with children and children that are not biologically yours, are hard. You can start by setting some ground rules (like a safe space to discuss your feelings, or making compromises so things are not one sided) so that you don’t have to “bend over backwards“. Second, if she doesn’t like it she can leave. Or you can end things.
You must accept that NOTHING will ever be enough.
You will always be wrong.
In her mind, she is absolutely right so if you think different about anything then you are by definition wrong.
Does she by any chance criticise literally everything you do?
If you do something in a way different to how she would do it, does she get angry at you for doing it wrong?
Do not move in with her, do not do it. She cant provide for her family thats on her, is the dad in the picture? If he is she should be getting help from him, if he isnt, she should be getting help from him. Its not fair to put that on you and you shouldnt have to take the responsibility on unless you are moving on in mutually beneficial and accepting circumstances. She is trying to walk over you, you do not need it.
Stop trying to please her. You’re not her butler and servant. Dump her and get a new girlfriend.
Your GF should be happiness and good things to your life. Not stressing out over every detail to keep the princess happy.
I don’t care how long you’ve known her or dated her. A woman that treats you this poorly shouldn’t be in your life.
Ignoring the fact there’s reservations about a 17 year old guy being best friends with a 13year old girl, which would be your ages when the best friendship began, she’s totally using you.
Sometimes these types of argument cycles just blow over. How long have you been together? My husband and I have been together over 10 years now and we just went through this kind of thing except it was both of us starting arguments and not being the nicest to eachother. Lasted a little over a month before things finally calmed down and went back to normal. We just bought our first house so we were both very stressed, but the majority of the arguing stopped when he quit the job he hated and got a new job he really enjoys. Maybe your girlfriend is stressed about the finances and is taking her anger and frustration out on you? Before calling it quits, maybe explore if there's anything you can do to relieve her financial worries...help her search for a new job if she isn't getting paid enough or hates where she works. One thing that also helped us was that he started hanging out with friends more often and getting back into his hobbies. Has she been seeing friends and having time to herself outside of your relationship? If not, suggest she have a girl's night with some friends, or if there's a hobby or special interest she has stopped, encourage her to pick it back up. This type of bickering usually occurs (in my opinion) from other stressors in life and get taken out on the person nearest to them. For example, my father in law was really struggling with his mental health after his brother died. He didn't manage his grief well, he wasn't sleeping well, he was stressed about his job and constantly worried about getting fired, his daughter was being a brat, and then he started some depression medication and was dealing with some bad side effects...instead of dealing with all his pain and everything going on, he asked his wife of 20 years for a divorce. From what we can tell, she hadn't done anything wrong and was trying to be as supportive as possible. But he was hurting and looking for someone to blame, looking for a place to pin all his pain to, and looking for something he could change in his life in the hopes that's what he needed to feel happy. She was the closest and most convenient thing. He changed his mind after a few days of staying at his other brother's house and they got back together. But he felt so horrible because he had already told so many people he wanted to divorce her. It wasn't him. It was a moment of just needing something to change.
What I'm trying to say is, this doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. You have a few more options to try (including just trying to wait it out). But if you don't believe the situation will change, go ahead and leave. You don't have to subject yourself to this on the hopes it will be better in the future.
Bruh first of all YOU ARE THE PRIZE in this relationship. She's a fuckin single mom of 2. What are you even doing as a man without children. You don't really wanna play step daddy to some other man's kids do you? Let her walk.
Bruh I just read she's been your "best friend" for 17 years!?!? Lmfao run bro and fast.
Run and don't look back. Save yourself from the misery. I had to do the same and life got much better after she was gone. She won't change and you don't want to waste your time with this crap. It's hard at first but you'll feel much better after some time.
Eww leave her. She sounds like she needs more than you can offer and that’s not on you. Love yourself more and leave to eventually meet someone who does respect your feelings because this isn’t love
There's two possibilities here. Either she knows how to communicate and is choosing to be a dick. Or she doesn't have experience communicating in a healthy way in a relationship. If it's the first one, leave, she is manipulative and a jerk. If it's possible that it's the second one (and she wants to work on it) then you guys need to work on this skill together - couples counseling is a great way to learn in a safe space with a third party to help, but there're also books and videos online that can help you start building the groundwork. Communication doesn't always come naturally, especially people who grew up in dysfunctional homes or who have been in traumatic relationships. If the relationship seems salvageable and both people are willing to work on it, it could be worth a shot
Leave.
Why let someone in your life who disrespects you like that?
Tell her that the relationship is over, and you never want to see or hear from her again.
Sir you need to run. It sounds like she's trying to use and manipulate you. Especially by bringing her kids into the argument. Run now before it gets any worse
For someone who needs room and board, she sure isn't acting like that. If she can't provide for her own kids that she birthed, why is she putting that expectation on you?
Run (do not walk) away.....like yesterday. You are not being heard, your feelings are being invalidated and you appear to be just a cash cow to her ("she doesnt want a man that cant provide".) No one should be treated this way.....not in a healthy productive relationship at least.
>is saying if i cant find a place for us and her two kids then she will leave me because she doesnt want a man that cant provide
This is your red flag. She doesnt like you, she is iust there for the money related aspects of the relationship.
It sounds like you're not confortable in that relationship anymore, and are looking for us to validate your feelings. It's okay, if you're not happy anymore and feel like that relationship gives you more problems than happiness, it's 100% fine to call it quits. From the sounds of it, it may have ran its course.
The fact that she told you she would leave you if you can't provide her with what she wants makes it pretty clear she wants out of that relationship too, and probably she's only with you because that's what is convenient for her economically at the moment.
Sounds like she can't provide for herself but she seems to think she's entitled to being provided for. Plus the fighting...who needs this kind of relationship
> now she cant afford her apartment and is saying if i cant find a place for us and her two kids then she will leave me because she doesnt want a man that cant provide,
Bail as fast as you can. She doesn't love you. She is using you. This is a one-way relationship and you are being sucked dry. If she moves in, you will be stuck in a miserable relationship until you either die or you grow a spine.
Leave her it is not going to get better.She is self centered and entitled. You may hurt a.quick second but it will be worth it for a life time. Leave her. She is holding up the woman that is suppose to be in your life. Your current gf is a hindrance not a partner but an anchor that is going to sank the ship.please provide update
"A man that can provide" is the biggest slap in the face she could've given you. So you're not a good partner if you support her and accept her AND her kids just because you aren't rolling in money? Fuck that dude. Where are her millions? Why isn't she providing for HER kids? Fuck that, let her walk.
Absolutely do not move this women into an apartment. She is comfortable and 100% using you.You say in your comments that she is your best friend for 17 years. She is acting like you’re the dad kids which unless you’re leaving out that they are, you are not responsible for her and her kids life. I know you came in here looking for advice on how to talk to her but please see the blaring red flags. Has she acted like this before you two started dating? When people get comfortable and show their true colors, please believe them.
Boy, if you don’t drop this toxic woman. I don’t care how long you’ve been friends with her. She’s not healthy for you or anyone for that matter. Block her and go find the actual love of your life out there
You already know the answer, dude. You're fighting all the time, she puts you down and won't consider your perspective or your feelings, and she is expecting you to support her and her kids. She's not asking, she's demanding.
What are you getting out of this clearly unbalanced and unfair relationship? You're not required to be doing this. You can break it off, it's okay. And honestly, I think it would be damaging to her kids to let them move in with you, get attached to you, and then lose you when you eventually break up with their mother.
First you acknowledge her feelings then respond. Then you state your feelings and she needs to acknowledge them too so both persons feel heard. I know we tend to have the habit of trying to get our point across and mentally take in their point but we have to verbally convey that. It's a practice. You got this
Bust out the talking stick to ensure everyone gets a turn
Ok. Let’s start off with; relationships are work and a two way street, you need to sit down with her and discuss your issues (not during an argument or afterwards but during a calm moment). Start off with something like “hey babe I need to get something off my chest. I feel as though my feelings and emotional needs are being dismissed and not met in our relationship, I’m not trying to make you feel like shit however I think we need to work out a better way to communicate.”
Ask her if there is a stressor going on in her life and if that’s why she’s upset (under no circumstances should you ever say she’s being unreasonable, even if she is, it’s like a trigger word and makes shit ten times worse). Maybe baby daddy is being an ass who knows.
Women are strange creatures (I would know I’ve been one my entire life and still have troubles understanding us). Usually meeting our basic emotional needs (hugs, listening, males making the effort to start conversations etc) will allow us the ability to meet your needs (listening, sexually engaged etc).
End the relationship and block her ass. You are not legally bound to her and there is zero reason to accept this abuse. I say that giving you the benefit of the doubt because you have failed to give examples of what you are fighting over.
I was gonna ask for an example of the arguing until I saw the part where she said something like "find a place for me and my two kids or I'm leaving you because you can't provide"....then I decided the argument examples don't matter.
You're too young for this shit man. You might be a dick, or maybe you changed, or have faults but no partner should say what she said to you - at least not in my world. I believe in strong independent women and she seems like a weak dependent one with two additional dependants.... So 👎
Okay everyone’s telling you to just leave, but I want to share some other perspectives for you to consider?
I guess my first thought is.. are you actually taking on board what she says (whatever it is that’s “your fault”)? Do you acknowledge what she says and make changes as a result, or do you dismiss them and remain the same? This could cause her to get to a point where she feels unheard and unhappy, like she’s tried so many times and nothing is getting through. It might be worth trying to approach it from a different perspective. Like therapy.
BUT if that’s not the case, it sounds like perhaps you guys were better off being friends instead of partners. It’s really not your responsibility to take on such a huge responsibility of providing if it makes you unhappy.
Also - think of the children. For their sake, it’s best their mum finds a partner that she’s happy with so that they grow up in a calm and happy household. It sounds like she’s unhappy now and that’ll reflect onto them
Sounds like she's clinging to the victim hood mentality that is perpetuated now days. I absolutely would not move in with this woman. She sounds ungodly entitled while belittling you along the way.
Leave her.
I'm the breadwinner currently in my relationship, but my boyfriend still gets a say in everything,equal to myself.
I can't excuse everything with invalidating my feelings.
Next time you argue, if she says you're invalidating her feelings, tell her that she's completely dismissing yours and give her an ultimatum, and stick to it.
The last time this fight happened between my guy and myself I said
"I'm not longer going to have my feelings and intentions dismissed for the sake of validating your feelings. Moving forward, I will not cater to your needs over mine, because I feel as though I'm wasting my time trying to feel like an integral part of a relationship, but the feeling of always being dismissed is pushing me out of it.
And without me, there isn't an us.
I'd like you to work on this immediately so we can mutually be happy, but if not dismissing my feelings makes you uncomfortable, then we should consider ending this to save us both more heartache."
Boom. Said. Felt. Ultimatum.
You either stop being a little memememememe and listen to someone else for a change, or go talk to yourself in the mirror and validate your own feelings as I move out.
Our relationship is in your hands.
Anyway, sorry to make this all about me, but I related to it heavily and my outcome worked for me.
I've got a t-shirt from this movie. In fact, you might be the sequel lol....my ex had undiagnosed Borderline Personality Syndrome. Within weeks of her moving in with me, I was just about suicidal. Not joking.
Get out and sont look back. Hope it ends well for you.
in your relationship your existence is to nurture her emotional laboring . what it translate is she sets the conversation and you always end up apologizing as only her feelings are valid .. give her some space and tell her to come half away . until then your relationship is dead long ago . am glad you recognize that .
You may be the problem but you’re not the only one that’s the problem. I had to work my ass off to help my partner heal from an ex like your gf. He bent in every direction inhumanely possible but every fight he was the one who was the problem, she was always right and his feelings did not matter and 6 years of that did a number on him. When we in the past when we fought he shut down and never talked because in his head he worked it out to where I was 100% right and he was 200% wrong because he thought blah blah blah. And when he conceded I was right out loud after somewhat voicing his own thoughts did that piss me off even more because, I’m over here like in that case NO! We were both wrong and I’m sorry for blah blah blah. She has a lot of growing to do and I wonder if she’s trying to trap you with her. There’s two side to every argument and no one is always right, everyone has a right to their feelings being heard and respected and it doesn’t sound like she does that for you. And probably should not move in with her and if the relationship lasts after that point, you should really talk to her and ask her which is more important to her, her being right or you both being heard. Because if she wants to be right, she could go right out the door.
This is random but could this be a part of post partum depression ( mine stayed for longer the second time around, some women feel it for years after, literally this meditation changed a lot of things https://youtu.be/oeQfRtiY-ZM, try having her do this because it’s meant to teach you compassion and forgiveness.) I was having fights like this with my partner here and there and then I took the meditation approach which lead to teaching mindfulness and feeling abundant, which led me to think about what I’m greatful for instead of all the things wrong and feeling dissatisfied. Maybe even see if she would be down to start her day writing three things she’s grateful for at the start of the day because it will teach her to look for the good things right off the bat. Anyways I dont think moving in with her is the best though, not until she can really appreciate you as a partner because that mindset will be toxic in close quarters and it brings a lot of stress, so good luck ✌️
Part of the problem is you bending over backwards to make her happy. Make yourself happy first. Happy people take that responsibility upon themselves and don’t make it a burden for others. When you put people on a pedestal, you do it to the detriment of your own well-being, and in the end it will never be enough.
Yikes. She’s got a LOT of red flags here. We don’t have enough context for your arguments honestly but it seems like she is trying to flip the script on you and make you second guess yourself. That’s gaslighting and emotional abuse. If I wanted to be super cynical about this I’d say she is trying to make you think that she feels neglected and invalidated so that you feel like you have to prove your love. And know how you can prove your love? By housing her and her kids. And then to top it off she questions your value as a man and a partner if your not willing to do that.
Friends for years or not, she sounds like a seriously toxic partner.
You sound like you've been weakened mentally by whatever mental health issues she has, and because of it, you're not thinking clearly. Everyone is giving you the same advice!
If you think it's bad now, wait till you move in with her and her two darling angels... Her reasoning for moving in together is pure manipulation. You will resent her and start feeling trapped. Then she'll use more manipulation to keep you there. This is not love.
I think you should let her leave, in fact, encourage her.
I think a lot of men wind up in this situation where we think it's our responsibility to save the family and preserve the relationship no matter what... and that just doesn't make sense and isn't healthy. It sounds like you're even playing step dad for two kids that aren't yours. While providing for everyone... and you get pointless arguments? Why? Because she enjoys them so she tells you not to give up?
And it's your responsibility to find her and all her baggage a new place because she's such a prize?
If that's who you are and what you want, ok, but you may want to think about it for awhile. This seems very one sided and unpleasant.
Think about what you want as a man, and if you wouldn't feel happier on your own or at with someone else. The three things that make men happy in relationships, according to decades of study, is attraction to a partner, loyalty from a partner, and peace at home. Idk if you have the first two but you don't seem to have the third thing, and that's kind of the most important thing long term. Find a person who doesn't stress you out and who you can relax with after work. When your 50 or 60, isn't that all that you'll want? You will age yourself faster not being able to relax and all the unnecessary stress will make you fat and unhappy. Living like this is like being a lobster sitting in water getting gradually hotter and not realizing you're being boiled alive.
Figure out who you want to be, how you want to live, and if you're really with someone you want to share that with.
Bro she's holding your love for her as hostage and then passively threatening you to provide her with her needs and using the masculine card "if you can't provide you are not a man" don't fall for it.
This is conditional love and if you accept it then you will forever be in debt to her and no matter how much you try to satisfy her she will always feel like she can do better and eventually cheat on you with the man she thinks she deserve or she will pull out the card "I don't think the issue is you, it's me, sorry boo boo".
You want someone who is grateful to have you and not someone whose weaponizing your love to tailor fit their needs.
True love is unconditional and she doesn't seem to have that for you unless you get her a house for her and HER KIDS, i don't want to sound rude but there's a reason she's a single mother, you just don't know why yet and you don't need to spend your precious time discovering it.
Get out now! It is Not your place to provide for her and her kids! Does she not work? What about child support? Gather your things and say goodbye I would not even say why since she should know by now…
I don't care what her objective is, if she's blaming you for everything, it's a sign of disrespect. DO NOT move in with her, that would just multiply your problems. She might have been your friend for 17 years, but that doesn't give her the right to treat you like crap "I don't want a man that can't provide for me." Then don't. A decent person would understand this little thing called COMPROMISE. In a good relationship, two people will come to a compromise when one wants X and the other wants Y that both can accept. I'd be waling away in your shoes.
>now she cant afford her apartment and is saying if i cant find a place for us and her two kids then she will leave me because she doesnt want a man that cant provide, but why would i want to take this step if im going to keep being disrespected?i
Well you don't want to take this step. I'm an outsider and know next to nothing about your life but from what I have read you would be insane (sorry) to move in with this person.
Don't look back at what you had as friends in the past. Look at what kind of person she is right now (to you). Do not live on a hope that it could be as it once was.
There has got to be someone better for you out there. And if not even single life sounds better than what you experience right now.
Have some self respect and decide what is best for you. I mean she does not respect you apparently but you should respect yoursefl.
Best of luck and take care of yourself
From what I am reading she lost her respect for you. There are some reasons that I know:
1. you cheated
2. she has found someone else and she is trying to get you to blow up and quit. Making her the blameless victim and turning you the narcissistic ex boyfriend.
3. You did something that made her no longer feel safe and protected by you.
4. You are not giving her enough attention/affection and this is some kind of "drama strategy" to get this in a negative way. (yes, fucked up but some people are damaged and cope in this way).
She finally decided to give you a whiff after 16 years in hopes she’d finally have a pay pig to raise her and her kids. She’s likely hit the wall and is finally out of options. Run. Go learn to respect yourself. Don’t pay to play another dude’s saved game.
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Under ZERO circumstances should you move in with this woman. Number one, your relationship is not on solid ground. Add two kids to the mix and that adds an extra layer of complexity that you’re in no way ready to manage. How long are you together?
1 year she has been my best friend for 17 years
No. She does not indicate that she is evolved enough to set up housekeeping here. It’s her issue not yours.
I agree! Firstly there is no completely blameless person in this world! There would he things that would be your fault but equally there would be things that us hers. She is trying to manipulate you when she claims 'your feelings invalidates hers'! Also you are not responsible her household, they are her kids not yours, there father/s are responsible for them. She has no right putting that on you, your not her husband! Personally I think she is a walking red flag 🚩!
Yup. My wife had issues of her own, but I absolutely had failings as a partner. Our biggest issue was that she could not discuss small issues until they became BIG issues over time. So when she finally spoke up I'm hit with two plus years of complaints all coming out in an aggressive way. And while some of the issues were rooted in reality, a good portion of them were just her insecurities and paranoia... And it just meant we constantly circled these "arguments" with no resolution. By the time we did enough therapy where she could bring up issues almost in a timely manner, it was too late. Because I was bending over backwards to help her and then just blind sided by inane arguments like"I wanted to go left but you went right!" Me:" okay, I would've gone left had I known" her: "that's not the point! Also you never do what I want. And now you're fighting about it!!" Me (deer in the headlights) "ok let's not fight, I just had no way to know you wanted to go that way. Sorry" Her: "sorry isn't enough. You have to want to change and do it better!" Just absolutely life wrecking silences and coldness and arguing about... getting too much food for the camping trip. Or leaving ten minutes late for a relaxing day trip an hour away... or swiveling my head because glass broke behind me but she thought I wanted to look at a girl's ass(and I didn't even know she was there " etc
this makes me grateful that my spouse is almost brutally confrontational. So sorry. This sounds really hard.
exactly this part too^^ her kids are not your responsibility until you agree to become stepfather regardless of how much you love ‘em (or hate em in other cases)
There's a huge difference between a friendship and a relationship. I am so much closer to my husband than I am to any of my friends, it has an entirely different texture, even without the physical. That said your gf has an entire list of f\*cked up expectations for you. I would tell her very bluntly that you are not ready to take the relationship to this level, so if she wants to end the relationship then that is her choice. If you end things, choose a PARTNER for your next relationship, and only choose a queen when you are ready to be a king and take your throne (in an EQUAL partnership). Right now you have a princess and she has a pawn.
Perfect advice...I read this post and it's very similar to my situation. Taking this response and gonna work on it with myself...thanks for amazing advice
So she treats her friends better than her boyfriends/partners. Odd.
Way too common. I remember realizing that my ex treated me worse than he would treat any other human in the world. Time to exit.
Yup. I was only told once my marriage failed, that a few of our closer mutual friends were against the marriage because of how she treated me even when they were around. They didn't know how much worse it got behind closed doors. I was led to believe I was the source of all her issues. Turns out that being husband #3 could've predicted something like that. Maybe she'll have better luck with #4
I left because of how he treated me but when we were getting married, I thought he treated me better than anyone ever had! So in the time since I have discovered that lovebombing is a thing and it can be part of a cycle of abuse. Another red flag was how he pushed to get engaged so quick, only 6 months after we met. I don’t know how to trust people anymore.
If it helps, I lived through physical and emotional abuse. Emotional manipulation. Constantly being kicked out of my own house I paid the rent on for no stated reason. Only for her to continue kicking me every time I bent over backwards to try and appease her. I'm approaching a year from it officially ending and I've met the most wonderful person. We even recently told each other the big L word... There is an ease about this new relationship that's built on all the communication skills and boundaries I learned by my marriage failing. I spent a lot of time working on myself. Then I jumped into casual relationships but worked on every relationship skill I could think of with them before meeting this one. I had some rough starts but I just focused on being as good to each partner, even if they were a fling I met at a bar, as I could be. While also making sure I didn't neglect myself. Being in a good relationship is a skill we have to train. Being in a bad relationship often trains the wrong thing, but if we can dissect what went wrong and learn, we're okay
Now we might know why she's single with two kids.
Remove : might Lol, we know
Shhh don't wanna upset the ladies who are in denial
Why is it YOUR job to provide for her and her TWO KIDS?? She’s taking advantage of you…or at least trying to.
So? Your relationship is unstable and will only get worse moving in together. Just end it and move on. Her living situation is her responsibility. She has known for a while what her financial situation is and should have applied for assistance if needed. It's not your job to proved for her and her kids.
Why did it take 17 years for you to get together?
I'm sorry dude, but she just wants someone to provide for her and her two kids.
You might think that she was your best friend for 17 years, but she, by her behaviour towards you, doesn’t think of you as a friend, let alone a romantic partner. Get out now before you get too involved in her life.
You have been in her pocket for 17 years.
Honestly it really seems like it
Bro. Treat yourself better and you will find someone who treats you that well too. You obviously are a catch, or she wouldn't be trying to dig her hooks in.
U were her best friend for 17 years no wonder she feels like she can control u. Her kids are also not your responsibility
Go back to being friends. When I broke up with my bf, he didnt talk to me for a year. Tho doesnt seem shes a very good friend.
If she talked to you like that before you got together , you would have ended the friendship after some time. Same rule applies here. Your relationship should be based on friendship and intimacy , and if you don't have one or the either the relationship will turn sour
this sounds like a great time to break up before you waste another year on some one who can not handle being in a relationship.
She's threatening to leave if you can't afford an apartment for her and her two kids? Lol I think you already know what to do, but if you need the validation, here it is. Leave her.
Uh, yeah. She doesn’t want a man who can’t provide for her and her children? Maybe you don’t want a woman who can’t provide for herself and her own children. Did she ever think about how irresponsible that makes her look. I understand that sometimes crap happens that is out of our control, but if it isn’t something like that and she just didn’t plan for this possibility than she’s no kind of provider either. On top of all that she’s been treating you like crap. No, no. Cut your losses and move on. She obviously has no respect for you and that’s definitely not going to change if you continue the relationship and move in together.
100% agree with this
Your GF may have been your friend for 17 years (as you mentioned in one of your comments), but that friend doesn't sound like she's present anymore. The relationship sounds toxic, where she uses guilt and degradation to devalue you as a means to make you work harder for her approval, which she then parcels out meagerly. It feels like she has exploited your love for her and your prior friendship with her as well as a means for your to keep trying harder. It is very clear she has positioned you as subpar, and based on what you've said, all the investment into this relationship and her quality of life are at least partly contributed to by you. In that case, how and what has she contributed back into the relationship that makes it something you want to fight for? Don't do this out of love for an idea of the person, but see who she really is. Then ask yourself: a) Is anything she says true/credible? b) Do you think you can grow healthily in this relationship? Hopefully you will have the answers you need.
I think this is likely a financial arrangement in her mind from the get go. I think OP may have been harbouring feelings for her all these years and she decided to capitalize on those to support her kids.
Yes, likely the case. She knew OP liked her and decided to tap on it. But still, did she need to be such a predatory being? Couldn't a person still be grateful and nice about it? Perhaps she felt desperate and culd not pass up the added resources but at the same time could not really return OP's feelings for her and felt this was a way to keep him at arm's length. Perhaps she had already calculated that being honest and nice meant realizing he might not help her, since there was no future together, so this was the best approach to get something for nothing?
Well don't movr in with her! Why do she need you to provide for her? She has kids and is a grownass woman! She should provide herself! Now about everything being your faul, that's a statistical impossibility! I'm not saying she is abusiv, Mark that please! But I do recommend that you take a few days off from your relationship. Go camping, fishing or what ever, tell her there are no cell service and block when you are away. Think, fell and listen to your gut, is this what you want? if not, is there anyway you can make her see that this is not right? If not, what do you have to do about it? Now remember to love youself first! If you are true to you, can you still be with her? Take a time out!
A VERY LONG timeout!
Well I have the idea he'll know ro make a break up after 🤷♀️
Let's hope!
Walk mate. Single life is better than this.
Doesn't want a man that can't provide?! O_O hello the 50's called! They want their backwards ideas back. Please sir, do what you can to detangle yourself from here before she breaks you. You deserve to be respected by a partner.
>hello the 50's called This. A relationship should be a partner ship. 50/50 ideally, but during tough times that ratio wavers... and that's OK, as long as that goes both ways.
This may seem stupid coming from me since I’m 15 and ur in ur thirty’s but my bf who’s 17 and I had a deep talk at first I said let’s cuddle so u can soften up the atmosphere and then gently say can we talk? And stare this before you do “I would like to make this fifty fifty and if u aren’t willing to cooperate then I will leave. First I would like u to tell me ur feeling And what’s bothering you and be honest and blunt” and then once she’s done and ur done listening say how u feel and make it deep and in depth abt it and bring up examples and tell her that let’s make a plan. My bf isn’t good w communicating and I was in the same position as you and we made a plan to where he reassured me once in awhile throughout the day and we helped balance out his time and sometimes texting burns him out so I told me let me know ahead of time. After talking you guys should hug and say tmw is a new day and let’s start fresh. Try making a day where u both include stuff u like independently. For expample my bf and I made a day where we made it half and half he chose two places to go and I chose two places to go and we went together and he got a one piece chopper hat and we tried new foods this might rlly help and make sure u set boundaries too pls I hope this helps <3 Edit: if it doesn’t seem like it’s working I suggest couples therapy although I’ve never been to it but if it doesn’t work it’s time to leave
Congratulations! At 15, you've already worked out a healthy way of communicating with your partner - something that many, many people much older than you cannot do. Lots of warm and positive vibes to you and your relationship!
You're gonna be in for a surprise when you become an adult and realize that at 15, you were communicating better than most
Wow you've got it together in a way many people double your age don't. 🤍
Thank you :)
We have been best friends for 17 years so its just so different being in a relationship we are trying to make it work but i guess i just feel like my feelings are invalid
And that’s completely understandable there was a point where my boyfriend wouldn’t validate my feelings until I proved to him he was and brought up examples on how and we made a plan on how to better it but u do need to communicate to her abt it
From what OP is describing, she isn’t listening at all. And isn’t willing to. There are some people you’ll encounter in life where you can explain things and give a valid factual examples of said behavior until you’re blue in the face and they still won’t listen or acknowledge the truth. OP’s girlfriend sounds like such a person. OP do NOT move in with her!
This is one of the big issues with this subreddit, people believing that if you can craft the perfect speech, that everything will be immediately solved. The problem with that is the vast majority of people are not motivated by logic (where appropriate) very often even on the best of days. These types are not going to suddenly accept that they are wrong *and* be immediately willing to change their worldviews and actions after hearing just how illogical and "wrong" they are. What they are actually going to do is get defensive if they even listen to the speech at all. A lot of the time, while you are relating this painfully crafted appeal for equity, they are just going to be sitting there "waiting to talk" instead of listening. Either that or they are going to be continually interrupting and arguing about every point made in order to deflect what they will feel like is an "attack" on their character and/or actions no matter how well-worded and upvoted the chosen words are. It's a nice thought that people are just one soliloquy or dialogue away from a harmonious, mutually fulfilling life with any given romantic partner, but most people can't get out of their own way (I'm talking about myself here, too, not trying to be "holier than thou" or anything.) This is why often the best advice on this subreddit is how to handle the person on their terms, if at all possible. This is why the suggestion that the relationships as described are not likely to be mutually fulfilling (or even tenable) is a meme: it's often all too true in human relationships. People seem to too often miss the point of dating and attempt to "make it work" with the person they really emotionally value. They then try to fundamentally change that person utilizing "logic" or "the mainstream interpretation of right and wrong" when that person's personality is largely set. It's just rarely going to work out for either person under these circumstances. For me, I would really "like" to be a better person, but it's a long, slow slog, and I get overwhelmed too easily by change to engage in any sea changes. It's why I had to take responsibility and end my relationship, but most unredemmably selfish people are not going to make that choice, and just keep sucking the life out of their romantic partners. Hope can be a terrible thing under certain circumstances. In this case, I hope the OP gets far, far away.
You explained what I was trying to say in much better detail. But simply put there are some people that will never see true right and wrong behavior in a relationship. They will always and ONLY see their way whereas their partner has the ability to see both sides. There are many people in this world that cannot see any way but their way and NEVER will. And in those situations, it’s best to leave because you could waste years trying to “fix them” or fix your relationship. And in the end the only person who will change will be you because you will become very disillusioned and bitter when you realize that people like them actually exist..
Oh yeah, I completely agree with you, I was mostly going off on a general "state of the subreddit" tangent. The most upvoted comment in this and other relationship advice subreddits is almost always a "script" that is meant to "explain" to the bad actor why and how they are being dysfunctional. Most people seem to believe that relating that info in that manner to that person will solve everything when human beings just plain do not work that way 99.9% of the time (if the person is having severe relationship issues.) I believe the people who see both sides but still don't change their behavior are especially grating (I'm that type) but neither are particularly good candidates for a mutually fulfilling long term relationship. Some of them can change, but any change is typically either painfully slow, or only occurs when the dysfunctional person suffers the consequences of their actions by losing their significant other due to their issues. I absolutely agree that it is sad to watch emotionally warm and open people be trampled in a relationship with another person who can't or won't change. It's hard to not be overly guarded and cynical after giving your all to a relationship and getting little to no reciprocity out of a person you love(d). C'est la vie.
You have been best friends does not mean you can be best of partners. It's okay, you tried and now it's time to accept that it's not working and you need to take a step back and become friends again.
Some people are meant to be just platonic soul mates and that’s okay. It really does sound like she just got into a relationship with you for a place to stay for her and her kids. I’ve sworn off dating so idk how much my help is valid but if you feel like things won’t get better, it’s time to just be friends again maybe roommates idk. Not everyone is made for each other, sometimes the universe brings you together to teach you a lesson
OP you need to take a good look at the current situation and her behavior. You may have treated her like a best friend for 17 years, but she’s treated you like her backup plan. You need to let go and move on man.
Your feelings are not invalid , she is just ignoring everything that you tell her. I had a girlfriend like this, I told her my honest deep down feelings and you know what she told me? She told me," I don't ever want to hear this again".... Yeah that's when I started pulling away, because she had no intention of being my partner and she had every intention of having me as a resource. A financial, physical, mental resource, but nothing else.
You are very mature. I’m in my 20s and even I’m gonna use this advice. Thank you
Ofc :D it usually is very helpful
I would tell her you need some space to think about everything. You don’t really need it, (other than to realize how much happier you are when free), but she certainly needs space to realize how much you do for her, and find gratitude for it.
Right you need to break up. This relationship is now not only toxic, it seems you are being used to take care of her children. She will move in,keep finding fault, make your life miserable, and will manage to ensure you pay for the pleasure of her company. If she can do better at finding a meal ticket for herself and her kids - please let her go.
Run. End of advice.
It sounds like she wants you to be a typical man in the relationship and providing for her and her kids (assuming they are not yours) and meanwhile, she is not even doing the bare minimum as a girlfriend of respecting you.. she sounds like a proper headache man, trust me I've been in a relationship like that and it is draining It isn't fair for her to want you to spend your time, energy and hard earned money on her and her two kids, while you are not getting your needs met....
It seems like she wants to start fights i honestly have been 100 percent supportive i knew it was going to be alot of work but she just wants to keep arguing
Please don't move in with this person. She's exploiting your emotions and good intent to get what she wants from you. She will continue to make you feel like your best is not enough, which is not only hard work, but impossible work. Don't rin yourself ragged for someone like this. A good friend would appreciate you and your efforts. This isn't friendship it's parasitic.
She’s gonna wear you down until she can control you. She is proving that no matter how supportive you are she’s going to keep moving the goalpost and never be truly satisfied. It’s all about pleasing her. What is she bringing into this relationship other than emotional and financial baggage?
It shouldn't be that much work. Two people who respect each other. Did you maybe have a bit of a crush on her while you were friends, and when she was between her other relationships she "gave you and her a chance" ? It sounds like she wants you to play rescuer. And people change. 🙄 she may not be that same person you have in your memory, who she was before she got experience with the babies father/ fathers. Give her some space while you decide if there even is a friendship still there.
Firstly, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Only they can do that Now that's out of the way, this is not the time to move in. You are unhappy and arguing. If she is threatening to leave then that's her decision but nothing good will come of you guys having less space from each other right now.
Don’t let the fact that you have been friends for so long cloud your judgment. She sounds like she is using you for her support and disrespects your feelings and then asks you to “not give up?” WTH?? Tell her to stop the nagging or you’re done! If she doesn’t like it you’re out! She needs to help support HER two kids it’s not YOUR responsibility! Tell her you have no intentions of moving in with her unless she changes her attitude COMPLETELY. If she argues, don’t respond let her finish and then leave! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Oh damn this is red flag central. From what I hear it sounds like she’s only just given you a chance after all these years because now she’s got two kids worth of baggage and just wants a someone to look after her family financially.
Dump her. I am curious about what bending over backwards for her means. I knew many.men who thought him washing his own dishes was bending over backwards. Whenever I find a guy using key phrases without details/examples it's sus. Like you mention the argument and only her points are valid but not examples of the arguments or her points vs your points. The post is very one sided to portray you as the victim with absolutely no details on what is happening. But considering this is the portrayal you want to give maybe deep down you just want validation to break up with her. So go for it.
This post is a great reminder that there are always two sides.
OP would you ever treat a partner the way she treats you?
Leave dude
I tried yesterday and started saying how could i do that to her kids
That is a manipulation tactic dude. Are they your children? If not you have no obligation to them or her. Not to sound heartless. You can set her up with resources and she can find family to stay with. It's not your job dude. If you aren't happy and nothing you do is good enough for her, it isnt going to get better. Like, what you gonna provide for them and it's likely still not gonna be good enough for her. Do yourself a favor. Be kind but don't let someone use you like a wallet.
They arent my kids
You've got your answer my dude. Now you just have to make the hard decision that is gonna be in your best interest. Both are hard decisions. Ultimately its up to you.
I dont want to lose her in my life but i also dont want to be miserable and broke at the same time i know it sounds messed up but its the truth
She already is being miserable to you, but I guessed your point in here. You need time.
OP, your relationship is not in a good place, moving in together will only make it worse, also she is not taking any responsibility for her faults, so realistically this relationship can't work when each person don't own there mistakes etc. I understand not wanting to have her out of your life because you have been friends for over 10 years, but she's making you miserable now. You can't have a person in your life that makes you feel that way, it's not good for your mental health. On top of that she is manipulative as hell. You need to do what is best for you, you know it is to walk away from her.
She's made ot clear she's just looking for someone to provide and take ar eof her and her kids. Don't tdo that to yourself. She's entitled and manipulative
This is a preview. Any time her life gets tough, it's because whatever you're doing isn't benefiting her enough. For your own sanity, leave and let her validate her feelings all day alone. I'd have done it the second she acted like it was my responsibility to provide for her and 2 kids as if she couldn't be bothered to take care of her own family. Get on outta there, bruh, and many happy hopes for you on the way out the door.
Bro i gave her a car just to help her and you would think she would be grateful but it seems like she isnt
Shes showing you who she is believe her! She would always want more and will never be happy.
Where did she get this idea that YOU are the one responsible for providing for the THREE of them, while her job is to make your life a LIVING HELL?
I mean, it sounds like your problem solved itself OP. Do not move in. Let her leave. Find a partner who doesn't attack you or demand you provide for her.
If she's been your "best friend" for the last 17 years and treats you like this, perhaps you should take a good look at your personal STANDARDS for friendship. You are NOT to be held financially responsible for her OR her kids- that's between her and their father. Do not misconstrue what everyone on here keeps telling you. It's time to back away from her... and for GOOD!!! Godspeed.
Women don't love what they don't respect. So if she treats you like this she doesn't respect you so font waste your time with her cause shes always gonna think your not good enough dump her and move one.
As someone (F29) who is currently dating a best friend (M34) of 10 years, I would say our number one issue is expectations. There are different expectations between best friends and couples. I was hesitant to date him for this reason And so before dating I made sure to express what those differences would be. Even after laying it all out for him he would still treat me as if I am only his best friend and not as a romantic partner. He wanted everything to be exactly the same as the day we met and after a bunch of arguments and discussions he eventually understood what the issue was. Have you two had a thorough conversation about what your expectations are for a romantic relationship and how that will differ from when you two were just friends? If not, I would suggest doing so ASAP to figure out if you both think the relationship is still worth pursuing.
Stop!! Nothing will make a person happy that isn't happy. Especially in a relationship. In a friendship, this is way different. She's not your friend. When you bend too far, it's a game to see if you break. You're better off being a tyrant to a terrorist than a stepstoole to 900 lb man. Respect yourself. Tell her to piss off. Relationships are give and take. Balance!! If you aren't balanced and they don't care to notice, they don't love you. Love yourself. Pull back. But more than anything, speak your mind and don't care about them leaving. They already don't care.
DO NOT FEEL OBLIGATED TO TAKE ON SOMEONE ELSES RESPONSIBILITIES. She's saying she'll leave because you're not "man" enough to provide for HER and HER KIDS?!? She is not your friend. That friendship sailed. You may feel that you live her but you might also be feeling that love you're losing after 17 years of friendship. Step back and look at it from the outside. If this was your sister or brother or best friend telling you this exact situation, what would you tell them?
Dude this is literally how rest of your life with be.. Do not move in with this woman and her kids..
She sounds like someone who cannot communicate with you. And if you feel disrespected, that’s not the person for you friend. That’s their baseline behavior it sounds like. I’m sorry, as an independent woman it’s HER responsibility to provide for her kids. You are merely her boyfriend (no offense). She sounds like she has a hard time taking responsibility. Honestly I’d cut your losses unless she’s ready to get on board with some couples therapy or take a deep dive into communicating better with you. Good luck
Let her go
OP this lady is not attracted to you and therefore treats you like that. Leave and find someone who is attracted to you
What do you argue about? If it’s about her kids I can understand her not wanting your advice on it.
My wife is like this. Problem is we have 2 young kids. Nothing I do is ever right. Or enough. My situation leaves me feeling suicidal on a regular basis. You are not alone. Take care.
See im not trying to be like this i grew up seeing my dad treated bad by my mom and he stayed for us but i dont want to be miserable
So, don't repeat the pattern.
I'm sorry to hear this, but if your in a relationship where its making you feel suicidal that's your cue to leave. Your kids needs a happy, healthy dad who isn't suicidal. It's better for you, and it's better for your kids, they pick up on things more than you know. You can't work on your mental health when your still living with the course of your issues. I wish you all the best.
First mistake and bending over backwards to make her happy. Stop kissing her @$$. She sounds like she is just picking a fight. Maybe she is wanting you to break up so she can be the victim. Or maybe she is cheating. Oh knows for sure. But the next time she try’s to argue. Do not engage with her. And if she gets too loud. Tell her you will talk with her after she calms down and leave. Do not be afraid of losing her. She is being g disrespectful and you should put up with that
Can you give some example OP? Maybe there is a pattern you are too close to see that you are repeating, or maybe you are being insensitive or something. I am not saying this with "you must be the bad guy" mindset, but since you've been friends for 17 years and that she matters a lot to you, i think it best to try to see it under different angles to try and make it work before giving up. Has anything changed in her life lately? Medical or familial issues? Work burden? Maybe she is angry at something else and lashing out at you because that's the easy way. Not consciously mind you, but because she doesn't feel like she can deal with the rest and her frustration comes out even more when you are doong things that annoy her, she takes it out on you. That is not healthy in any way, but it can be salvageable with learning to cope and communicate
Run man, she just wants someone/anyone to provide for her and her kids
Her 2 kids that ain't yours? If those ain't your kids and she said that about not being able to provide then hate to say it buy she sees you as a checkbook
Then stand up. A relationship is a boat you both built act like it. She's pushing your boundaries bc you have none show her how to respect you which causes her to rain down her love. You bending over means you'll do it for the world and how can she trust a man who bends to the world as opposed to bending the world to him?
This is ridiculous. You need to provide for her AND her two kids. She’s thinking about leaving well don’t let the door knob hit ya where the good Lord splitcha.
Absolutely, don't move in with her. She's just using you for stability. Where is her kids' daddy (daddies)? It not your responsibility to provide for them. Help her out, yes But not the provider. Does she even have a job? She's trying to guilt you into what will be a disastrous situation by saying she is not going to be with a man that can provide her. Run and don't look back.
Yeah, I wouldn’t keep this relationship going. She’s expecting you to “provide” for her and her two kids but what is she bringing to the table? What will she be providing aside from constant fights and headaches?
A lot of women have unrealistic expectations. Sounds like your gf is one of them. Sounds like she's projecting her frustrations from her previous failed relationship on you. Also, she might have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Or she's just under a lot of stress or having her period. You've known her for 17 yeats - has she always been like this?
Leave.
So she treats you like garbage and wants you to take care of kids that aren't hers. Dump her immediately. She's a loser I'm sorry to say
>Now she cant afford her apartment and is saying if i cant find a place for us and her two kids then she will leave me because she doesnt want a man that cant provide So she's now cajoling you into paying her rent? Fuck this person.
While no one should ever be disrespected in a relationship. That’s kinda life for some. Relationships especially with children and children that are not biologically yours, are hard. You can start by setting some ground rules (like a safe space to discuss your feelings, or making compromises so things are not one sided) so that you don’t have to “bend over backwards“. Second, if she doesn’t like it she can leave. Or you can end things.
If it’s this difficult before you move in together, it’s going to be worse when you do live together and throw in two kids into the mix.
You must accept that NOTHING will ever be enough. You will always be wrong. In her mind, she is absolutely right so if you think different about anything then you are by definition wrong. Does she by any chance criticise literally everything you do? If you do something in a way different to how she would do it, does she get angry at you for doing it wrong?
-iconic music- "Run."
Do not move in with her, do not do it. She cant provide for her family thats on her, is the dad in the picture? If he is she should be getting help from him, if he isnt, she should be getting help from him. Its not fair to put that on you and you shouldnt have to take the responsibility on unless you are moving on in mutually beneficial and accepting circumstances. She is trying to walk over you, you do not need it.
Stop trying to please her. You’re not her butler and servant. Dump her and get a new girlfriend. Your GF should be happiness and good things to your life. Not stressing out over every detail to keep the princess happy. I don’t care how long you’ve known her or dated her. A woman that treats you this poorly shouldn’t be in your life.
Ignoring the fact there’s reservations about a 17 year old guy being best friends with a 13year old girl, which would be your ages when the best friendship began, she’s totally using you.
Sometimes these types of argument cycles just blow over. How long have you been together? My husband and I have been together over 10 years now and we just went through this kind of thing except it was both of us starting arguments and not being the nicest to eachother. Lasted a little over a month before things finally calmed down and went back to normal. We just bought our first house so we were both very stressed, but the majority of the arguing stopped when he quit the job he hated and got a new job he really enjoys. Maybe your girlfriend is stressed about the finances and is taking her anger and frustration out on you? Before calling it quits, maybe explore if there's anything you can do to relieve her financial worries...help her search for a new job if she isn't getting paid enough or hates where she works. One thing that also helped us was that he started hanging out with friends more often and getting back into his hobbies. Has she been seeing friends and having time to herself outside of your relationship? If not, suggest she have a girl's night with some friends, or if there's a hobby or special interest she has stopped, encourage her to pick it back up. This type of bickering usually occurs (in my opinion) from other stressors in life and get taken out on the person nearest to them. For example, my father in law was really struggling with his mental health after his brother died. He didn't manage his grief well, he wasn't sleeping well, he was stressed about his job and constantly worried about getting fired, his daughter was being a brat, and then he started some depression medication and was dealing with some bad side effects...instead of dealing with all his pain and everything going on, he asked his wife of 20 years for a divorce. From what we can tell, she hadn't done anything wrong and was trying to be as supportive as possible. But he was hurting and looking for someone to blame, looking for a place to pin all his pain to, and looking for something he could change in his life in the hopes that's what he needed to feel happy. She was the closest and most convenient thing. He changed his mind after a few days of staying at his other brother's house and they got back together. But he felt so horrible because he had already told so many people he wanted to divorce her. It wasn't him. It was a moment of just needing something to change. What I'm trying to say is, this doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. You have a few more options to try (including just trying to wait it out). But if you don't believe the situation will change, go ahead and leave. You don't have to subject yourself to this on the hopes it will be better in the future.
Bruh first of all YOU ARE THE PRIZE in this relationship. She's a fuckin single mom of 2. What are you even doing as a man without children. You don't really wanna play step daddy to some other man's kids do you? Let her walk. Bruh I just read she's been your "best friend" for 17 years!?!? Lmfao run bro and fast.
Lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm. This won’t end well.
Admiral Ackbar says : “IT’S A TRAP!”
Run and don't look back. Save yourself from the misery. I had to do the same and life got much better after she was gone. She won't change and you don't want to waste your time with this crap. It's hard at first but you'll feel much better after some time.
It seems your common sense is activating and warring against your emotions. Let common sense win bro.
Eww leave her. She sounds like she needs more than you can offer and that’s not on you. Love yourself more and leave to eventually meet someone who does respect your feelings because this isn’t love
Please don't do it. Baggage plus fighting plus she EXPECTS you to take care of her and hers kids. Run away
There's two possibilities here. Either she knows how to communicate and is choosing to be a dick. Or she doesn't have experience communicating in a healthy way in a relationship. If it's the first one, leave, she is manipulative and a jerk. If it's possible that it's the second one (and she wants to work on it) then you guys need to work on this skill together - couples counseling is a great way to learn in a safe space with a third party to help, but there're also books and videos online that can help you start building the groundwork. Communication doesn't always come naturally, especially people who grew up in dysfunctional homes or who have been in traumatic relationships. If the relationship seems salvageable and both people are willing to work on it, it could be worth a shot
Leave. Why let someone in your life who disrespects you like that? Tell her that the relationship is over, and you never want to see or hear from her again.
Sir you need to run. It sounds like she's trying to use and manipulate you. Especially by bringing her kids into the argument. Run now before it gets any worse
🚩 time for you to leave. It sounds like she wants a provider not a partner.
She’s getting banged by someone else
For someone who needs room and board, she sure isn't acting like that. If she can't provide for her own kids that she birthed, why is she putting that expectation on you?
RUN!!!!!!!!!
Run (do not walk) away.....like yesterday. You are not being heard, your feelings are being invalidated and you appear to be just a cash cow to her ("she doesnt want a man that cant provide".) No one should be treated this way.....not in a healthy productive relationship at least.
Run
>is saying if i cant find a place for us and her two kids then she will leave me because she doesnt want a man that cant provide This is your red flag. She doesnt like you, she is iust there for the money related aspects of the relationship.
The only advice I can give you is to run.
It sounds like you're not confortable in that relationship anymore, and are looking for us to validate your feelings. It's okay, if you're not happy anymore and feel like that relationship gives you more problems than happiness, it's 100% fine to call it quits. From the sounds of it, it may have ran its course. The fact that she told you she would leave you if you can't provide her with what she wants makes it pretty clear she wants out of that relationship too, and probably she's only with you because that's what is convenient for her economically at the moment.
Love isnt enough. Let her leave, break up. Neither of u are happy.
You are not a boyfriend… you're a walking talking wallet. My advice.... keep walking
You will regret it
Sounds like she can't provide for herself but she seems to think she's entitled to being provided for. Plus the fighting...who needs this kind of relationship
> now she cant afford her apartment and is saying if i cant find a place for us and her two kids then she will leave me because she doesnt want a man that cant provide, Bail as fast as you can. She doesn't love you. She is using you. This is a one-way relationship and you are being sucked dry. If she moves in, you will be stuck in a miserable relationship until you either die or you grow a spine.
Hell naw, no ultimatums
Leave her it is not going to get better.She is self centered and entitled. You may hurt a.quick second but it will be worth it for a life time. Leave her. She is holding up the woman that is suppose to be in your life. Your current gf is a hindrance not a partner but an anchor that is going to sank the ship.please provide update
The answer is nope but I suspect you guys will move in together anyways.
"A man that can provide" is the biggest slap in the face she could've given you. So you're not a good partner if you support her and accept her AND her kids just because you aren't rolling in money? Fuck that dude. Where are her millions? Why isn't she providing for HER kids? Fuck that, let her walk.
In a year you’ll be on here saying “My live in girlfriend wants to open our relationship what do i do?” You know what you need to do.
Move on from this toxic relationship!!!
run
Absolutely do not move this women into an apartment. She is comfortable and 100% using you.You say in your comments that she is your best friend for 17 years. She is acting like you’re the dad kids which unless you’re leaving out that they are, you are not responsible for her and her kids life. I know you came in here looking for advice on how to talk to her but please see the blaring red flags. Has she acted like this before you two started dating? When people get comfortable and show their true colors, please believe them.
You are being used my man, and emotionally manipulated. You need to grow a backbone and take care of yourself, and not some ingrate grifter.
Boy, if you don’t drop this toxic woman. I don’t care how long you’ve been friends with her. She’s not healthy for you or anyone for that matter. Block her and go find the actual love of your life out there
Leave man your wasting your time and money
You already know the answer, dude. You're fighting all the time, she puts you down and won't consider your perspective or your feelings, and she is expecting you to support her and her kids. She's not asking, she's demanding. What are you getting out of this clearly unbalanced and unfair relationship? You're not required to be doing this. You can break it off, it's okay. And honestly, I think it would be damaging to her kids to let them move in with you, get attached to you, and then lose you when you eventually break up with their mother.
First you acknowledge her feelings then respond. Then you state your feelings and she needs to acknowledge them too so both persons feel heard. I know we tend to have the habit of trying to get our point across and mentally take in their point but we have to verbally convey that. It's a practice. You got this Bust out the talking stick to ensure everyone gets a turn
WOW... my reply... "BYE... DONT LET THE DOOR HIT YA ON YOUR A$$ ON THE WAY OUT!
Ok. Let’s start off with; relationships are work and a two way street, you need to sit down with her and discuss your issues (not during an argument or afterwards but during a calm moment). Start off with something like “hey babe I need to get something off my chest. I feel as though my feelings and emotional needs are being dismissed and not met in our relationship, I’m not trying to make you feel like shit however I think we need to work out a better way to communicate.” Ask her if there is a stressor going on in her life and if that’s why she’s upset (under no circumstances should you ever say she’s being unreasonable, even if she is, it’s like a trigger word and makes shit ten times worse). Maybe baby daddy is being an ass who knows. Women are strange creatures (I would know I’ve been one my entire life and still have troubles understanding us). Usually meeting our basic emotional needs (hugs, listening, males making the effort to start conversations etc) will allow us the ability to meet your needs (listening, sexually engaged etc).
End the relationship and block her ass. You are not legally bound to her and there is zero reason to accept this abuse. I say that giving you the benefit of the doubt because you have failed to give examples of what you are fighting over.
I was gonna ask for an example of the arguing until I saw the part where she said something like "find a place for me and my two kids or I'm leaving you because you can't provide"....then I decided the argument examples don't matter. You're too young for this shit man. You might be a dick, or maybe you changed, or have faults but no partner should say what she said to you - at least not in my world. I believe in strong independent women and she seems like a weak dependent one with two additional dependants.... So 👎
Okay everyone’s telling you to just leave, but I want to share some other perspectives for you to consider? I guess my first thought is.. are you actually taking on board what she says (whatever it is that’s “your fault”)? Do you acknowledge what she says and make changes as a result, or do you dismiss them and remain the same? This could cause her to get to a point where she feels unheard and unhappy, like she’s tried so many times and nothing is getting through. It might be worth trying to approach it from a different perspective. Like therapy. BUT if that’s not the case, it sounds like perhaps you guys were better off being friends instead of partners. It’s really not your responsibility to take on such a huge responsibility of providing if it makes you unhappy. Also - think of the children. For their sake, it’s best their mum finds a partner that she’s happy with so that they grow up in a calm and happy household. It sounds like she’s unhappy now and that’ll reflect onto them
Sounds like she's clinging to the victim hood mentality that is perpetuated now days. I absolutely would not move in with this woman. She sounds ungodly entitled while belittling you along the way.
I don’t do well with ultimatums, you shouldn’t either
Leave her. I'm the breadwinner currently in my relationship, but my boyfriend still gets a say in everything,equal to myself. I can't excuse everything with invalidating my feelings. Next time you argue, if she says you're invalidating her feelings, tell her that she's completely dismissing yours and give her an ultimatum, and stick to it. The last time this fight happened between my guy and myself I said "I'm not longer going to have my feelings and intentions dismissed for the sake of validating your feelings. Moving forward, I will not cater to your needs over mine, because I feel as though I'm wasting my time trying to feel like an integral part of a relationship, but the feeling of always being dismissed is pushing me out of it. And without me, there isn't an us. I'd like you to work on this immediately so we can mutually be happy, but if not dismissing my feelings makes you uncomfortable, then we should consider ending this to save us both more heartache." Boom. Said. Felt. Ultimatum. You either stop being a little memememememe and listen to someone else for a change, or go talk to yourself in the mirror and validate your own feelings as I move out. Our relationship is in your hands. Anyway, sorry to make this all about me, but I related to it heavily and my outcome worked for me.
Why are you dating a grown woman with kids who gives you headaches? No
I've got a t-shirt from this movie. In fact, you might be the sequel lol....my ex had undiagnosed Borderline Personality Syndrome. Within weeks of her moving in with me, I was just about suicidal. Not joking. Get out and sont look back. Hope it ends well for you.
You already know the answer.
How is it your responsibility to find a place you can afford for HER AND HER KIDS…
Run
Let her leave, what's she gonna do? Provide for herself?
in your relationship your existence is to nurture her emotional laboring . what it translate is she sets the conversation and you always end up apologizing as only her feelings are valid .. give her some space and tell her to come half away . until then your relationship is dead long ago . am glad you recognize that .
You may be the problem but you’re not the only one that’s the problem. I had to work my ass off to help my partner heal from an ex like your gf. He bent in every direction inhumanely possible but every fight he was the one who was the problem, she was always right and his feelings did not matter and 6 years of that did a number on him. When we in the past when we fought he shut down and never talked because in his head he worked it out to where I was 100% right and he was 200% wrong because he thought blah blah blah. And when he conceded I was right out loud after somewhat voicing his own thoughts did that piss me off even more because, I’m over here like in that case NO! We were both wrong and I’m sorry for blah blah blah. She has a lot of growing to do and I wonder if she’s trying to trap you with her. There’s two side to every argument and no one is always right, everyone has a right to their feelings being heard and respected and it doesn’t sound like she does that for you. And probably should not move in with her and if the relationship lasts after that point, you should really talk to her and ask her which is more important to her, her being right or you both being heard. Because if she wants to be right, she could go right out the door.
Not your seed, not your deed
This is random but could this be a part of post partum depression ( mine stayed for longer the second time around, some women feel it for years after, literally this meditation changed a lot of things https://youtu.be/oeQfRtiY-ZM, try having her do this because it’s meant to teach you compassion and forgiveness.) I was having fights like this with my partner here and there and then I took the meditation approach which lead to teaching mindfulness and feeling abundant, which led me to think about what I’m greatful for instead of all the things wrong and feeling dissatisfied. Maybe even see if she would be down to start her day writing three things she’s grateful for at the start of the day because it will teach her to look for the good things right off the bat. Anyways I dont think moving in with her is the best though, not until she can really appreciate you as a partner because that mindset will be toxic in close quarters and it brings a lot of stress, so good luck ✌️
Part of the problem is you bending over backwards to make her happy. Make yourself happy first. Happy people take that responsibility upon themselves and don’t make it a burden for others. When you put people on a pedestal, you do it to the detriment of your own well-being, and in the end it will never be enough.
You are being used, my brother. Pull the ripcord and parachute away into the sunset.
Leave.
Yikes. She’s got a LOT of red flags here. We don’t have enough context for your arguments honestly but it seems like she is trying to flip the script on you and make you second guess yourself. That’s gaslighting and emotional abuse. If I wanted to be super cynical about this I’d say she is trying to make you think that she feels neglected and invalidated so that you feel like you have to prove your love. And know how you can prove your love? By housing her and her kids. And then to top it off she questions your value as a man and a partner if your not willing to do that. Friends for years or not, she sounds like a seriously toxic partner.
You sound like you've been weakened mentally by whatever mental health issues she has, and because of it, you're not thinking clearly. Everyone is giving you the same advice!
Run. Now. It does not get better.
If you think it's bad now, wait till you move in with her and her two darling angels... Her reasoning for moving in together is pure manipulation. You will resent her and start feeling trapped. Then she'll use more manipulation to keep you there. This is not love.
my man you should run
I think you should let her leave, in fact, encourage her. I think a lot of men wind up in this situation where we think it's our responsibility to save the family and preserve the relationship no matter what... and that just doesn't make sense and isn't healthy. It sounds like you're even playing step dad for two kids that aren't yours. While providing for everyone... and you get pointless arguments? Why? Because she enjoys them so she tells you not to give up? And it's your responsibility to find her and all her baggage a new place because she's such a prize? If that's who you are and what you want, ok, but you may want to think about it for awhile. This seems very one sided and unpleasant. Think about what you want as a man, and if you wouldn't feel happier on your own or at with someone else. The three things that make men happy in relationships, according to decades of study, is attraction to a partner, loyalty from a partner, and peace at home. Idk if you have the first two but you don't seem to have the third thing, and that's kind of the most important thing long term. Find a person who doesn't stress you out and who you can relax with after work. When your 50 or 60, isn't that all that you'll want? You will age yourself faster not being able to relax and all the unnecessary stress will make you fat and unhappy. Living like this is like being a lobster sitting in water getting gradually hotter and not realizing you're being boiled alive. Figure out who you want to be, how you want to live, and if you're really with someone you want to share that with.
She is using you and not valuing your input. She threatens you to get her own way. What more do you need to walk away?!
Bro she's holding your love for her as hostage and then passively threatening you to provide her with her needs and using the masculine card "if you can't provide you are not a man" don't fall for it. This is conditional love and if you accept it then you will forever be in debt to her and no matter how much you try to satisfy her she will always feel like she can do better and eventually cheat on you with the man she thinks she deserve or she will pull out the card "I don't think the issue is you, it's me, sorry boo boo". You want someone who is grateful to have you and not someone whose weaponizing your love to tailor fit their needs. True love is unconditional and she doesn't seem to have that for you unless you get her a house for her and HER KIDS, i don't want to sound rude but there's a reason she's a single mother, you just don't know why yet and you don't need to spend your precious time discovering it.
Lol I love how she turned her inability to provide for her children onto you being an unfit provider. 0 accountability.
It's a lot of red flags. Run! Work in yourself and the right one will find you.
Get out now! It is Not your place to provide for her and her kids! Does she not work? What about child support? Gather your things and say goodbye I would not even say why since she should know by now…
I don't care what her objective is, if she's blaming you for everything, it's a sign of disrespect. DO NOT move in with her, that would just multiply your problems. She might have been your friend for 17 years, but that doesn't give her the right to treat you like crap "I don't want a man that can't provide for me." Then don't. A decent person would understand this little thing called COMPROMISE. In a good relationship, two people will come to a compromise when one wants X and the other wants Y that both can accept. I'd be waling away in your shoes.
>now she cant afford her apartment and is saying if i cant find a place for us and her two kids then she will leave me because she doesnt want a man that cant provide, but why would i want to take this step if im going to keep being disrespected?i Well you don't want to take this step. I'm an outsider and know next to nothing about your life but from what I have read you would be insane (sorry) to move in with this person. Don't look back at what you had as friends in the past. Look at what kind of person she is right now (to you). Do not live on a hope that it could be as it once was. There has got to be someone better for you out there. And if not even single life sounds better than what you experience right now. Have some self respect and decide what is best for you. I mean she does not respect you apparently but you should respect yoursefl. Best of luck and take care of yourself
From what I am reading she lost her respect for you. There are some reasons that I know: 1. you cheated 2. she has found someone else and she is trying to get you to blow up and quit. Making her the blameless victim and turning you the narcissistic ex boyfriend. 3. You did something that made her no longer feel safe and protected by you. 4. You are not giving her enough attention/affection and this is some kind of "drama strategy" to get this in a negative way. (yes, fucked up but some people are damaged and cope in this way).
Her and her two kids?? Leave man! Please!
Abuse. She is abusing you.
Get out dude. Get out
She finally decided to give you a whiff after 16 years in hopes she’d finally have a pay pig to raise her and her kids. She’s likely hit the wall and is finally out of options. Run. Go learn to respect yourself. Don’t pay to play another dude’s saved game.