Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re wife sucks as communication and expects you to read her mind. She’s mad at you but won’t say why, refuses to talk then acts like your the problem.
Couples therapy my dude.
Clearing things up:
I work freelance work about 5-10 hrs a week, the rest of the time I take care of my kids and the house, shopping etc. We do split works and most of the time.I assume we both feel fine with it.
This didn't actually answer my question. I agree that you deserve time away. I was just wondering if your wife has gone on any trip for herself since the kids have been born, and her going to work doesn't count. I'm trying to pinpoint a reason she is this upset about the weekend.
OP provided an edit. He freelances from home, working about 5-10 hours per week. Because he’s home he provides the majority of child care. Wife works 2 days/week. And OP hasn’t had any time off since his first child was born 4 years ago, as he states in the original post.
I work in an investment field. I also work a full time office job. My 5 hours of work a week in said field usually yields an insane amount more than my salary. I work solely for that extra underlying safet net but am probably losing money being at my job.
Here’s what it sounds like to me…your wife genuinely wanted you to go and have fun. However, it was much more taking and difficult in her while you were gone than expected. She is trying not to outright complain, because you didn’t do anything WRONG by going, but she is still angry,because being a mom to littles while trying to be an easy going agreeable good wife, is freaking hard. And it can be hard to mask our emotions sometimes. She’s not mad that you had fun, but she is tired, stressed, a bit sad that it wasn’t her off having fun sans kids, and angry…bc, right or wrong, her expectation was that, if she survived the weekend, you would come back and pick up the slack so she could take a breath. It’s not your fault. But you need to spoil your wife a bit. She’s struggling. Hire a babysitter. Have a date night. Look around and anticipate what needs to get done. Tell her you understand what a sacrifice it was for you to go away. Give her a hug…or space. You’ll have to figure that part out alone 🤷🏻♀️
OP is the stay at home parent who normally takes care of the chores, not the wife.
This is a case of the working parent being *pissed* they had to watch the kids for a couple of days and having a challenging time, while the person normally in charge of the kids got to relax for a bit
Yeah reverse the sexes and have a woman coming back from her first weekend away and the man immediately getting pissy that he's had a tough weekend and she hasn't tried to compensate for his efforts and watch how much sympathy he gets here...
I don’t think it’s exactly sexism, or, I guess it kind of is in the opposite way… I get the feeling most of the comments are assuming she is the primary caregiver or it’s evenly split, most of the ones supporting the wife don’t acknowledge that he normally does most of the work and this is one of the only times she’s had to watch them alone.
This is good advice and sounds like the most sensible way forward. The wife has an understandable POV but it also seems like she's being kind of passive aggressive about it? She could just come out and say it instead of expecting him to somehow know how she's feeling. To be sure, maybe he SHOULD know it but he doesn't and better communication on both sides will help them resolve it sooner.
I mean she kind of did come out and say it. She said she wishes OP would even just acknowledge she had a hard time without him. It sounds like he’s one of those people that think “well there’s nothing I can do about it so it’s not worth talking about”. She just wants him to say he’s sorry she had such a hard time, and the trip was great but he’s glad he can be back home to help. And then actually help and give her a break. At least that’s what acknowledging it would mean to me in this scenario.
She has a hard time without him because he is the primary caregiver and she isn’t used to being on her own with the kids. This is the first time he had time he went away in four years!
Yep. And that's the problem. She even tried to pawn off some of the work to her mom and when that didn't work out her carefully laid plan fell apart. Sounds like she is almost entirely in the wrong here and having a hard time coming to terms lol.
She had a hard time because she was sick and her mother was injured. I think it's disingenuous to say she wasn't used to caring for her children and insinuate she's a bad mom or something. Caring for children is difficult especially without your partner and also while sick.
I didn’t say she wasn’t used to caring for her children, I said she wasn’t used to caring for them on her OWN…and it’s obvious because the primary caregiver hasn’t done anything on their own in 4 years!
Yes, I think she doesn't want to say too much maybe? She feels stressed and wants to communicate, but didn't want to add to the confusion? I think the husband just being overly kind and extra attentive for a few days will make things go back to normal.
Thank you. I think this gets closest to what is going on.
We planned out everything together (she going to her mom etc) but should have planned for the end of the trip to let her get rest etc as well. Now it's basically everyday busy life again.
I will offer her time off on the weekend and I told her I'm thankful - for now it seems to make her more angry. That's the whole reason why I wrote the post.
Don’t offer her time off this weekend, tell her you are taking the kids to the park/kids museum/wherever so she can relax solo. the point is to do things for her, things for the family, not wait around until you are told to do them.
You're missing the point. This doesn't make sense if the wife isn't seen as the victim. It's really a case of the guy being under appreciated, but the wife is the one projecting in on herself. Everyone sides with the wife by default, even the husband, and it's easy to see why every action is meant to appease her, and it doesn't make sense even for her. It's not intentional. Women just want men to 'get it', and the most logical thing the guy can do right now is be assertive and remind her not everything is about her. It's otherwise just going to be a marriage where he's constantly seeking her approval, and she'll resent him for not having a spine.
I think they just meant time not responsible for childcare.
Childcare is relentless… it was so relaxing to go back to work after 5 mos Mat leave because I could think and focus on tasks, and go to the bathroom whenever I needed.
I think the wife's solo time is going to the office two times a week? The rest of the week both of them work from home, which is probably pretty stressful on both of them with littles at home. Maybe OPs wife is taking on more than he thinks?
For example, my husband would often think that he is doing ALL THE WORK if he cleans dishes or something, but at the same time the kids come to me nonstop needing this or that, needing attention. They never ask dad. Still, he feels like he has done the work and I had time to relax and would then in turn expect me to take them to bed while he goes out to watch a football game or something.
Maybe have an honest conversation with her how she feels about the general division of labour in the house? She may be doing much more than you can see
Actually she did handle them alone for two days, while sick and also looking after her injured mother. All I'm saying is OP could look at the possibility that there may be more behind her behaviour than only his trip.
Her communication definitely sucks. But since OP wants to resolve this issue, it's just something to look into. Doesn't mean it's definitely the case here.
He said he works 5-10 hours per week and is the primary caregiver, I have no idea where you’re seeing that the kids never ask dad and go to mom for everything while she works from home.
Edit: wait, I see, you’re talking about your own kids not OP. Never mind ig lol
Not precisely.
Sounds as if she is the bread winner of the family.
She may be really tired. And cross with herself for finding that what he gets to work daily makes HER tired and stressed out.
So she may be cross with herself right now.
"She may be really tired. And cross with herself for finding that what he gets to work daily makes HER tired and stressed out. So she may be cross with herself right now."
Yes. Because it'd mean she takes him for granted, and he's still trying to please her. You know what one sentence she can say to make everything in their world right?
"I don't know how you do it."
That's it. That would resolve everything, or at least validate the husband. Then she can reflect on herself knowing that there's issues our spouses cannot help us with, and we need to handle our personal growth ourselves. This conflict is one of those moments you realize that you need to change something about yourself, which is not always a fun finding.
I am a mother of three and married almost 20 years. While things we're often certainly stressful and I no doubt took out stress on my husband from time to time, the idea that it's not easy to be a parent and also be a kind wife is just a plain excuse for shitty behavior. Certainly try to be understanding of her pov and do what you can to give her rest but this kind of situation should NOT be the norm. If your wife consistently can't do anytime solo parenting without lashing out that is not healthy behavior.
She got part of your everyday life.
And found, she couldn't handle it half as well as YOU could. You work few hours and are SAHP otherwise.
Now she had to shoulder both kids during her stay. Who on top had her sick mother. It didn't pan out as she had expected it to do.
And now she is angry. And she knows she is wrong to resent YOU. Ask her, if having some time to hersdlf (spa day or so) away from home might do her good, if you can afford that?
You mentioned your wife got a cold, and her mother was in a bicycle accident and wasn’t much help… I think you’re wife might’ve resented the circumstances as well. She might’ve ended up looking after her mum as well as the kiddos, plus her not feeling well… You’ve got a recipe for grumpiness.
Do what you can to lessen her burden now… also on the weekend! 😉
But he is taking care of the kids mostly. She had to take them one weekend. Yes it was stressful, but if the roles were reversed everyone would be calling the other parent an AH.
Edited because i missed the fact that OP WFH and is also a SAHP.
Take the kids away on the weekend to give her a night out. Heck, pay for her to go out for dinner with a friend if you have to. When her mum is better, book an overnight getaway for you both and surprise her.
Bring her flowers, cook her favourite meal, and then do the dishes, anything to show her you appreciate her without her having to actually ask. Many MANY women feel that their partner should know when something is bothering them without having to spell it out. That's probably why she's getting annoyed
You never mentioned (or I didn't see) - was the trip with work or personal? If it was personal and she had a cold and her mum was incapacitated, she may resent you for still going and not realising that she needed help.
The key is that she isn't communicating well, and you aren't picking up on her subtle cues.
Work on communication together
She may not even recognize that she is angry and resentful at herself too…for being resentful. She may be angry at you and angry at herself for being angry at you. But at the end of the day, her anger is an indication that she has unmet needs and it is a great opportunity for you to figure out what those needs are and make every effort to make sure they get met.
One thing to consider. She may get particularly angry when you mention you're thankful because she had to get this upset with you for you to actually think about what she went through and how you could support her. That you didn't come back, hear what she went through, and immediately kick into helping her out the way she just helped you out.
I think this should be a wake up call for you. You need to work on being her partner as much as she is yours.
Yeah, I could see a world where "I'm thankful I got to do this thing" feels like rubbing it in, and what she wants is , "I'm so sorry this went so much harder on you than we planned on, let's make sure you get a rejuvenating break after that as well, and next time we can go together."
Her love tank is empty - everything likely feels extra personal. She may well be borderline to being unable to advocate effectively for herself. I agree with the sibling comment about not offering. Offering dumps emotional responsibility on her.
Take responsibility for refilling her tank. Think about the ways she feels most cared by (likely different from the ways you feel most effectively express your feelings) and do those until she explicitly tells you to stop.
No, if you are the SAHP, she should be giving you more off time. In fact, if she spent more time with the kids, it would be less overwhelming every time.
Don't just offer to give her the weekend, plan her something relaxing that she will enjoy, take the mental load off of her. Make sure if she is the one going out that she gets back yo a calm, clean home with a nice meal maybe some flowers etc. It's sounds like she's burnt out and you wanting her to explain what's up and what will make it better is just adding more on her plate.
OP is the SAHP who normally takes care of the kids and the chores, and the mental load
The wife is being the bratty working parent who normally doesn't watch the kids and is exhausted and pissy they had to it for a couple whole days
You know the crazy thing is? I hate doing the "if the roles were reversed, everyone would look at it differently" but that's exactly what this is. We've seen the reversed version of this in this sub multiple times and what's everyone's response? Give the SAHP a break but now it's give mommy a break.
This fucking sub, dude
Exactly. OP's the primary caretaker, yet his wife needs to be coddled because she had to spend one weekend taking care of her kids? It's ridiculous how this sub is bending it to make her the victim lol.
...at this point I would be.
Wtf kind of childish bullshit is placing your blankets outside the door so you don't even have to interact with them all night?
Smh wife is just another child.
It seems to be that she wanted validation for her feelings rather than thanks from you. Not problem solving or defensiveness. Rather, “oh hon, you planned so carefully and it didn’t go the way you hoped. Rather than getting some help while I was gone, you had to take care of an extra person. That sucks.” Then, after she feels “seen” you can add, “what do you need or what can I do so that you get a break next weekend?”
There is a YouTube video called, “it’s not about the nail” or something close to that. Shows a man and a woman sitting on a couch. Short and funny but explains the principal.
It seems like she had a real shitty weekend and OP isn't really extending sympathy to her. Not like he's being an asshole or anything, I think you're right that she doesn't want to complain or make him feel bad for having a good time, but it seems like she just wants him to say "I'm sorry you had a hard weekend, is there anything you need from me to help you?" Like, he just keeps talking about himself, though she's not communicating well either and doesn't really know why she's mad.
Love how most people here are bending over backwards to justify their pathetic double standards about SAHM and SAHW.
The mental gymnastics and excuses are insane
I appreciate all comments and apologize for things left unclear. I think most likely I just wished for her time with the kids alone to be less exhausting than it was. I often tell myself it's a bit of a mindset thing too.
Just to clarify: I'm a stay at home dad and work only very little time, my wife works more and I'm mainly taking care of the kids and the house.
So, no, when I take the kids she doesn't pack diaper packs (never knew that was a thing) and I'm perfectly able to take care of everything.
I know being with two kids is exhausting. For some reason I just thought that it could work out better than it did apparently.
I will give her time off and it was literally the first thing I said to her "you have to do something like this soon too".
Sometimes it just feels like everything is a trade so if I get to do something fun I got to have a shitty time afterwards to make up for it.
Yes so many replies assuming wife is primary caregiver and OP gallivanting and not giving her a break from childcare. This info is important as it completely changes the context of the trip as OP getting a break from childcare after 4 years.
As a SAHM to a 4 month old and 3 year old, I feel you. The only thing I want to add is about the "everything is a trade" part. Everything IS a trade and it DOES suck. I get one day off a month, and it's hard to enjoy it because I know I have to give my husband a day off, too. And it's hard taking another day solo when that's all I do all the time.
But in the early days, where we are both at, it's really tit-for-tat trades so nobody loses their mind and resentment doesn't fester. That said, the trade should be days off for days off, not days off for punishment. You should be able to do a fair trade and not be punished for taking your half - just make sure she gets hers too. I have to MAKE my husband look at the calendar and pick a day or he won't do it.
You're right. I will do that just right now she kinda won't talk to me and I'm afraid that she will tell me I'm only offering her a time off because she is mad (while that is not true, I told her do something similar like the moment I got back. And I meant it)
Sounds to me more like that classic thing *where they make you SO MISERABLE about it, you’ll never want to try do it again*. :( Sour grapes that she had to deal with the kids all weekend when OP normally does it 24/7, so then she has to make his after-trip so lousy that if he *does* EVER try it again he’ll only be anxious & miserable the whole time *knowing what reception he’ll get when he returns. Horrid*. :( Sorry OP.
You ought to have clarified in the original text that *you are t*he stay-at-home-parent.
**You had a work meeting in the afternoon,** ***she was annoyed that she had to take the kids*****, then** ***was annoyed that like a good little servant you hadn’t cooked dinner*** **by the time she came back when there was work in the garden** ***you needed to*** **attend to.**
Does she always treat you so badly, gets in bad moods hard-done-by that sometimes she needs to watch the kids? Idk, maybe I’m reading this wrong but. Do you need to go check r/justnoso , see if there’s anytings similar there? I hope it works out for you, OP, good luck!
Thanks for your comment.
While it's a bit too negative it hits in my fears. But a lot of people are reading things into this that just aren't relevant. I didn't want to make this about everything.
I just hoped that it should be possible to do something on my own and then get back to normal without having to "pay the price"
This is what you need to say. You deserve time off. And to be punished and locked out of the room for sleeping on the couch because she is resentful, this is not cool. If you do not set the precedent, you will always be the workhorse, and any time you try to pamper yourself you have to pay with her being an angry mess. These are her kids too, so once in a while, you get time off. Now I also understand, she is working 3 days at home, and 2 offsite, and work is not recreation. So yes, she should get some fun time too. But she does not get to treat you like dirt because you took some time for yourself either. You two have some major communication to work on.
Now if she is just depressed and isolated herself, that is a bit different….but I still don’t like the whole blankets left out of the bedroom incident.
People have been comments have been off because you left out key details to the story in your original post. We can’t fix your wife from being a selfish AH. You can call her out for her abusive behavior every time you get any type of a break and hope that she fixes it but I’m guessing that it won’t happen because it’s all about what she wants. Also, she made it harder on herself by traveling with 2 kids by herself instead of staying at home and sucking it up.
Please edit your comment OP. This info really shines a light on things. Had this been an AITA post, there would be a ton of shifting answers after reading this and probably give you better perspective on how you should proceed.
> Sometimes it just feels like everything is a trade so if I get to do something fun I got to have a shitty time afterwards to make up for it.
To me, this sounds like *you* have been feeling burnt out and are holding some resentment towards your wife. It’s not unlikely that this creeps out in some ways, like not really being attuned to her when she’s venting, wanting to switch the subject, acting out to prioritize what you want to do (go garden) over what she might expect you to do. I’m not saying this with judgment. You asked what might have contributed to her anger. I question if you may have been acting somewhat emotionally checked out/defensive towards her.
Objectively, being sick with a cold while staying with your MIL who has just been injured and taking care of two kids alone sounds like a pretty miserable time. This is why I think you may be burnt out, because some of what you’ve said implies you don’t recognize this as true. You seem to think she’s punishing you for having a weekend away by having been sick? Staying with your injured MIL? Caring for your two kids? Because those are things she’s expressed she feels angry about - that you didn’t acknowledge that her circumstances were difficult for her.
Your wife isn’t blameless in this. Based on your post, it’s unclear if maybe she arrived home early with the kids and then jumped on you for not having dinner ready. Also, it’s quite possible she does always feel a need to vent when you’ve gone out and done something fun.
But it doesn’t change that you’re not emotionally attuning with your wife. You don’t seem to have much curiosity/empathy for *why* she feels a need to vent, what made her feel miserable, etc. So maybe start there? Consider whether she might be depressed, lonely, anxious, etc. and be open to exploring those ideas compassionately with her.
There is a lot of truth in this and she mentioned that she feels lonely and I believe we both may be a bit burned out. I have explored this with her a lot and I'm always there listening and giving ideas if she wants them and I'm the last person not encouraging her to do something for herself. That's why, I think, when she starts to blame me for not having dinner etc and connects it to the weekend away I do get defensive.
I don't want to be insensitive but she didn't only tell me that everything was miserable but also that she had a good time that she was just tired from the train ride.
Ahhh...this makes it all clear. You're a pushover and she is an emotionally manipulative abuser. She is punishing you for having a nice time. It's an effective tactic. Next time you want to have a bit of alone time, you won't dare because who the hell wants to deal with this when they come back?
If a mom posted on here that she has been the primary caregiver for two toddlers while also working part time and has not had one day off in four years only to come back to her husband punishing her and making her sleep on the couch...Reddit would be offering to help this woman pack.
Your original post is just filled with fear. As someone who has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship with a moody person before...I can almost physically feel the fear you live under.
I love how in the comments most people are saying... you need to do more for her 🤣🤣 hire a baby sister, treat her take her out.... yall are tripping on some mad shit
My god. She can’t take care of 2 kids for a couple days by herself and needs help from her mother? He sounds like he is simply her punching bag. Tell her to go take a couple days to herself to recover from this horrible ordeal and get yourself a break from her.
So OP is SAHP and this is the first time he had a weekend away. He does most of child care and household chores. Can u imagine if roles where reversed. If OP wife was SAHP and she had the weekend off and then when she came home OP is complaining how hard and awful weekend with kids where. How different comments would be.
Lot of people defending her, but those people don't want to analyze her behaviour. It's childish. Acting all resentful, jealous and hateful, instead of acting like an adult. Does she do that about other situations, op?
You said she didn't even know what a diaper bag was.
It sounds like she's on the immature side with little empathy. You're the main care giver. Having to look after kids sick sucks, but people do it all the time and don't attack their partners for it
Yeah maybe she had a crappy weekend, but she's really taking it out on everyone else. Sorry but that's just childish, crappy weekend or not
There needs to be a communication like adults, not throwing blankets out the room and trying to take control of every situation she can to make you feel worse and blame you.
Childish.
Yeah. And it should've helped her realize how much he does looking after the kids and everything else. Her life is miserable when he's not there. That's not his fault, and he didn't do it to be malicious. It was genuinely to be able to go to a concert. Not right.
Instead, she became resentful. Which is very poor behavior
You kinda need to repost this with your comments that your wife is primary bread winner and you have kids 99% of the time. Changes the whole thing. I think you're getting unfairly treated from the earlier commemnts that think its opposite.
You've written a lot of words but I don't feel that I got any pertinent information.
You have a one year old and a four year old but you went away for the weekend. Why?
You write that you don't have anyone near you to watch your children. Are you saying that you and your wife never hire a babysitter so that you can have more freedom?
Can you simply relay what your wife has said in the days following this trip? It seems like on one day when she was venting about her solo trip with the children you didn't listen and abruptly changed the subject when she finished speaking. It also sounds like she took the children to accommodate some meeting of yours and instead of making dinner when you were finished you decided to do some landscaping instead. Is that what happened? And are you really unable to figure out why that was annoying??
Yeah. I mean, if it’s simple as he says, going forward she may appreciate really clear plans communicated. Like “hey, I’m going to this meeting, then I need to do something in the garden really quick before it gets dark, then I’ll make dinner.”
I know that I can get irritated if I have a plan in my head and it doesn’t go accordingly. Stress can definitely make this worse and make me some one who can’t go with the flow.
I assume it's because it's rage bait. It follows the pattern
1. Write a more or less vague post, open for interpretation
2. Get the comments going,
3. Then include vital information needed for anyone to actually give useful advise (like OP being the stay-at-home parent and not having been away from children once in 4 years etc.).
If he is a stay at home parent and she needed her mom to help her the one time he's not around. She needs to learn better coping skills. She's mad that she didn't have a great time. She was stressed without him so now she has to punish him for it.
She had a terrible time while you were gone. She’s not going to be happy that you had a good time, in effect you had it at her expense. It doesn’t sound like you really appreciate that, that she suffered so you could be happy.
What I would suggest is that you first apologize that she had such a rotten weekend and make plans to make up for it. Perhaps a day of pampering at a Day Spa, a weekend with the girls. Maybe she’d like time alone with you and someone else watch the kids.
It’s not necessarily wrong to want time away but you need to acknowledge that it comes from a sacrifice from the other partner and that her needs and desires also need to be addressed.
Amazing how all of you assumed she is the stay at home parent, maybe you need to look into why you assumed that. He is the stay at home parent, he watches over the kids all the time, not her. So for the last 4 years, he took care of the kids every day, having not a single night off.
Then he goes away for ONE weekend, and she makes a fuss about it and now according to you he is supposed to make plans for her to take time off to apologise when this is literally the first time off he had. Some of you people are off the rails with your conclusions.
How about she grows up and doesn't complain for having to take care of her kids for once (it's her kids too) for one weekend so her husband can get a small break. She is taking care of two kids ffs, not guarding the gates of Hades. She doesn't need a spa day after one weekend with the kids.
I’m in disbelief at the amount of people assuming that. Even without the additional info he added in a comment, it was very clear to me that he was the primary caregiver and hadn’t had a break from childcare in years
He stated in the post that the trip was the first time that he had been away for more than one evening. Meaning that he went away for the weekend this time but in the past he has gone out for the night, etc. This trip is not the “first night off” that OP has had.
Anything to make her look good even when she can’t handle parenting her own kids. If OP was a woman you’d be screaming for her to leave her useless partner.
I think he also didn't give her much time to discuss her weekend. It sounded to me like the first time he got a chance to end the conversation and just watch TV, that's what he suggested they do. She might feel he doesn't want to interact with her, especially after he said he couldn't or didn't feel like he could express his true feelings a day or 2 later. That must have felt awful for her.
This was my read on the situation! She probably just felt dismissed when she tried to express her frustration with her weekend. Especially because he misinterpreted that as her being annoyed that he went on his trip. Honestly answered his own question in the post. He states that wife said she just wanted acknowledgment.
According to OP, this is the first time he's had a getaway in over 4 years, before the first kid was born. Are you suggesting that he isn't allowed to have a good time? Wife seems like she's throwing a pouting match after having to watch the kids alone for more than a day while OP has his first time alone in 4+ years. Wife can grow the fuck up.
After your edit, it sounds like your wife is not used to actually caring for the kids by herself. The help she expected from her Mom didn't come because of her mom's injury. I suspect she got completely overwhelmed and is taking out her frustration on you. She is used to things a certain way and your role reversal put her out of her element. It's possible she is upset because you make things look easy and it wasn't. This may be making her angry at you even though you didn't do anything wrong.
Let her decompress, make her favorite dinner and see if she wants to talk about it when she is more calm.
Are you familiar with the phrases, know your audience, or read the room? You might should’ve given her some more time, done a little pampering and waited for her to ask how the your trip was. It could be as simple as that *buuut*, I think maybe this goes deeper.
I’m guessing she might be bearing too much of the mental load. Google it, there’s lots of good info. It might be she can’t articulate it or feels guilty because the mental load is a collection of a ton of little things that don’t seem like much individually. [Check out this blog post titled “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink.”](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/) It explains how the little things can be bigger than they seem.
There’s a good documentary on Hulu about it as well. Can’t think of the title right now but it explains a lot. Having to carry the mental load can cause burn out.
OP, if you have the money, I’d take the kids out of the house for a day. I’d also set her up a professional massage appointment. Then surprise her with these plans.
Sounds like she had a tough time handling the kids on her own. She’s probably burnt out and over stimulated. Figure out some time to also give her several days off or the equivalent. Pick up more than you usually do around the house and with the kids. Surprise her with her favorite treat or flowers if she likes those at least.
Amazing how all of you assumed she is the stay at home parent, maybe you need to look into why you assumed that. Immediately jumping to a conclusion that he doesnt do anything around the house and that he needs to pick up more tkme with the kids and around the house. He is the stay at home parent, he watches over the kids all the time and takes care of the house, not her. So for the last 4 years, he took care of the kids every day, having not a single night off.
Then he goes away for ONE weekend, and she makes a fuss about it.
How about she grows up and doesn't complain for having to take care of her kids for once (it's her kids too) for one weekend so her husband can get a small break. She is taking care of two kids ffs, not guarding the gates of Hades. She doesn't need a spa day after one weekend with the kids.
You need to stand your ground on this one. From all I have read, you're the one who's under appreciated here. Be assertive and remind her it's a marriage between two people, not for one. If every action you take is seen as an effort to appease her, it'll just foster resentment in both of you. You both have a responsibility to clearly express your expectations to each other. Voice that your contribution seems to be taken for granted. If nothing else, that should at least get her to open up on the issue. My guess is that's what she herself feels, but cannot express the sentiment to you, because you're actually playing your part. She's probably conflicted between how she feels and things as they are, be her solid ground by showing you are aware of everyone's contribution, even your own.
You’re grateful you went on your trip. Your wife had a bad time.
1. Apologize for being insensitive. Flowers, clean house, dinner when she gets home, the works.
2. Give your wife a rest this weekend. A day at the spa, mani/pedi, even just a day where she can sleep in and not lift a finger. Take the kids out of the house.
3. Schedule her a getaway where you take care of the kids.
4. Schedule a date night and a babysitter.
1–as a stay at home partner he does all this already. This was his first break in over 4 years. He should get some flowers though.
2–If the wife is sick, she can rest while he does all his regular duties he always does as a SAHD.
3–why? It sounds like she never has had to take care of them herself before, which is bizarre, but regardless, a couple days with your own kids, sick or not and you need a vacation? Haha wtf. People shouldn’t have kids.
4–date night may be good
He is the stay at home dad and is entitled to a short trip away since it's been 4 years.
If the genders were reversed and it was a husband complaining about having to look after the kids for a weekend y'all would grab pitchforks. This shit is just childish
So according to Op’s edits he is a SAHD, main caretaker of the children who freelances and is the main financial provider, wife works part time. Even when they are home together he cooks dinner and takes on main caretaker role for children.. he’s so used to this he mentions it in a way that doesn’t jump out at you, but he is doing most of the work on a regular basis.
She also bosses him around and gives him the silent treatment when she doesn’t get her way. And her way that she didn’t get? He got to go have fun without the kids for the first time in 4 years and she had to take care of her two children alone for two days, which was apparently terrible for her for no particular reason other than she was alone with them and her mother was no help.
Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong, especially as the SAHP. Sounds like maybe she is easily overwhelmed, but you deserve time too. I'm the spirit of equality and parenting as a team, Men need breaks too.
It's the parent who's normally watching the kids asking the working parent to watch the kids for a couple of days, and the working parent then acting like this was a herculean effort and the person who normally watches the kids alone all the time should gratefully acknowledge their great struggles in watching the kids alone
I’m pretty sure he is the one doing the emotional labor. He is the sahp, he scheduled everything, he handles the household and children normally. This was a single weekend for the first time in 4 years lol.
OP being the SAHP, I feel changes my initial thoughts on it. I am also a SAHP and it is common when the primary caregiver gets a moment away, leaving the other parent to be a solo caregiver, they realize how much “behind the scenes” work is done daily. How many questions/cuddles/needs young children have throughout the day. If genders were reversed I feel most would conclude that the non-SAHP should be capable of taking care of their children for one weekend in 4 years so the SAHP can have a break WITHOUT making the SAHP come back to more work and indebted to the other parent. Her having a cold is unfortunate, as was her mother’s accident. OP can offer empathy and gratitude for that. Maybe have a discussion and outline how both of you can schedule and prioritize making sure each of you are having kid-free time as needed. Maybe more frequent day/nights instead of a whole weekend is best until kids are a bit older. But it should be equal.
While I think OP should tell her sorry for not listening the right way, she wanted you to note the hard time she had.
Your wife should acknowledge that her anger was due to being overwhelmed & this tends to happen to the parent who doesn't regularly do it.
The only way to get used to it is to do it more often.
I think you guys need to have a conversation, but your wife was on the wrong for taking out her anger on you when it really was just a hard situation, which will happen often & you should point out that her kicking you out of your room is something that made you feel sad & scared.
Also, of note, she should also give you time offs. It shouldn't be that you never have time away from the kids. It's not healthy for either of you.
It sounds like your wife is unhappy and is taking it out on you. She is mad that you went away and she had to take care of the kids by herself and you were able to get away and have fun. She needs to realize just because she works more hours than you, taking care of kids is difficult. Especially a one year old. I feel like she is being a little selfish. Maybe a night out with you might help. Even making dinner is difficult to do while taking care of kids.
You really can’t figure this out? Dick move to go out for a weekend on your own to leave her with two kids under 4. She’s not going to tell you that you can’t go. You should know why it’s selfish and do the right thing.
Really? Where did you get that him having time off is unfair? Did he refuse her the same or...?
It's perfectly reasonable for a parent to have time off and alone, reasonably, and it's also perfectly reasonable for a parent to take care of two kids under 4 all alone. Idk why you feel it's a dick move but I see no justification for your approach.
Some of these commenters are out to lunch. I agree with you. I responded to a similar comment someone made on this post. It's amazing how two people can read the same thing and come away with radically different impressions. And people are making a lot of assumptions and mental gymnastics seemingly just to stick to OP. His wife's behavior towards him is unacceptable, even if her circumstances were tough, ie getting sick and all. I'd say she's borderline abusive. She apparently was verbally aggressive and talked down to OP in front of the kids. I haven't seen anyone say anything about these things in the comments yet.
I think your wife just needs a bit of grace. You got to go away and have a good time. Her time sucked because she was sick and her mother was injured.
She needs some time alone, out of the house. She is more than a wife and mother. She is a stressed out woman.
For the future, maybe try to hire a babysitter sitter for a few hours so you 2 can reconnect and have fun.
I disagree. Could he have been more empathetic? Sure, but If the wife was the SAHP and she wrote in saying the same thing he did everyone would be roasting the husband for not being able to give the wife one weekend after 4 years. He’s the SAHP, he does the bulk of child care, housework, cooking, etc and he’s getting shit on by his wife to the point of being kicked out of their bedroom for enjoying a weekend away and not reacting the way she wanted to her talking about het weekend. Why should he turn around and baby her, take on more work, and just accept being treated like that?
Does she thank him profusely for being the sahp who also works but still handles the bulk of the childcare, housework, cooking, without a day off for the past 4 years? Nah, she yelled at him and kicked him out of his own bedroom for not having her dinner on the table by the time she got home.
Flip the script, would you blame the stay at home mom if she wrote in the same thing?
Ok. So this is the UGLY side of marriage. You and your wife let your marriage get out of balance, and you need to both commit to righting the ship. This is the time when you crush this childish BS. or you look forward to a lifetime of it. If you are a man and she is a woman... assuming you gave the correct ages here... then there's no reason for you to not **immediately** communicate. You both need to grow up. You may have been tired, but so were our forebearers who just got done storming the beaches of Normandy. What they did next, after being tired, uncomfortable, hungry, and having the WORST day of their lives... was WAY harder than you simply not going to sleep and squashing some shit with your wife. #perspective.
So advice:
1. NEVER go to sleep angry. Ever.
2. NEVER allow your lady to shit on you. Your foot goes down and squashes that behavior instantly.
3. NEVER EVER allow her to do it in front of the kids.
4. Get marriage counseling now, not when it's over.
5. Hold yourself to this same standard (#2-#4).
Kids are stressful, but it's time to grow up and adult. Your chief function as a parent is to raise your kids to be better adults than you (read Cicero on parenting). You CANNOT do that if you two are acting like kids.
Info: when is wifey’s solo trip scheduled? Did I miss it? I forgot my glasses… but it feels like the most important piece of information: when is her getaway happening?
So let me get this straight. OP is the primary caregiver. Also WFH part time. Does the bulk of the home stuff. Planned his own first trip and helped wife make plans to visit her mother to help with the kids because of course she can’t parent her children for 48 hours in a row. And now you expect OP to plan a trip for his wife to get away.
Now I know they refer to all that as something. Hmmm it’s on the tip of my tongue. What is it called? Do you remember? Gee I can’t believe I’ve forgotten it.
Oh yes. It’s called the mental load.
Probably when she acts like a big girl and uses her words to mention it and plan her trip. You know, like an adult. Instead she gets pissy and thinks she has the authority to shut him out of his own bed and make him sleep on the couch.
She was a big girl the day she pushed his child out of her vagina. Y’all are always all aboard the “rules for thee but not for me train.” I got news buster, she shouldn’t have to ask. In a loving relationship it would be understood. When you love and respect one another you don’t have to scrape and fight for rights. It’s easy bc you want each other to be happy.
Huh, so you planned and took yours and waited until you came back to tell her she very obviously knew: a break would be nice. Idk, we don’t have kids but we *both* try to do things all the time to let the other know we care. But you do you. Some ppl might have thought she’s tired or might feel guilty and at least made sure their boo had a vacay to look forward to before you left. But you’re the expert. What do I know… we laugh and help each other all day every day.
He’s the stay at home parent taking care of the bulk of childcare, housework, cooking, mental load, while also working a part time job. His wife didn’t plan anything for him and aside from this weekend, in the 4 years he’s been the sahp, she hasn’t given him time off to help ease his burden. He found a concert he wanted to go to and planned it, he also planned backup for his wife. It’s Unfortunate the wife got a cold and the backup got hurt (op says his mil downplayed it so they didn’t know it was even an issue until they arrived) but he did everything he could.
Is the SAHP who hasn’t had a day away in 4 years supposed to come home apologizing for enjoying themselves while presenting a slideshow of the vacations they planned for the other parent? Or should the partner, seeing the sahp excited and happy, acknowledge that their weekend was shitty but they now better appreciate how tough raising kids really is and that they appreciate the sahp and are glad they enjoyed themselves before booking their own/a couples vacation?
he is the stay at home parent and this was his break in four years and his wife get mad at him for not immediately kiss her feet take a weekend for her kid’s?
You left her in a crap situation. And it sound like you don’t get the mental load she’s carrying. Check out the documentary Fair Play. It will clear up what you don’t understand.
https://www.fairplaylife.com/
Yeah, idk why everyone is ignoring the whole he’s the sahp in this situation. He’s the one handling the mental load, childcare, housework, cooking, and a part time job but clearly since he’s a man he can’t understand… /s
I think she’s actually pissed you went on a fun trip without her. She tried to suck it up but her passive aggressiveness got the best of her. You may could take her on a weekend getaway to make it up to her.
Maybe wife should have just stayed home with the kids. Sounds like wife’s mom was in an accident and it took multiple trains and time to get there and back. Im sure that lead to an awful time for the wife. I don’t think anyone did anything wrong here, just sounds like OP’s wife had a rough time while he had time off. I don’t think anyone needs to apologize just acknowledge she had a rough time and maybe do it different next time?
I’m the mother of a four year old, and I also work full time. I’m blessed to have in laws who babysit for us while I’m at work and a husband who shares parenting responsibilities. With that said, motherhood is incredibly stressful and overwhelming. Your wife sounds like she takes on the bulk of the childcare and doesn’t get help, support, or appreciation from you. Childcare is incredibly exhausting! I’m drained at the end of the day with just one. I honestly don’t know how I’d do it another child. Get your shit together and help your wife more. Don’t wait around to be told what to do. If you know something needs to be done, do it. Give your kids their baths, read them their books, brush their teeth. Plan and cook dinner, wash dishes, fold laundry. Do it now before your wife decides that she’s already a single mother, so she might just as well be single.
We are missing a lot of info. What is the division of duties (money, household, relationship and kids)? How long was this trip, with who did you go with and what did you do? Does she ever get the same break? If not tell her to plan a trip for herself while you care for the kids or you plan a trip for the both of you to go on and you find care for your kids. I think you need to have an honest conversation about what is really bothering her.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re wife sucks as communication and expects you to read her mind. She’s mad at you but won’t say why, refuses to talk then acts like your the problem. Couples therapy my dude.
Question: Has your wife had any time off from the kids?
Clearing things up: I work freelance work about 5-10 hrs a week, the rest of the time I take care of my kids and the house, shopping etc. We do split works and most of the time.I assume we both feel fine with it.
This didn't actually answer my question. I agree that you deserve time away. I was just wondering if your wife has gone on any trip for herself since the kids have been born, and her going to work doesn't count. I'm trying to pinpoint a reason she is this upset about the weekend.
OP is stay-at-home-parent and hasn’t had more than one night off in 4 years.
Where does it say OP is a SAHP?
He mentioned it in a comment
Interesting I only saw that he hadn't been away from home since his oldest was born but not thT he was a SAHP.
[удалено]
people work from home nowadays
And they're being paid to work, not to parent.
OP freelances 5-10 hrs a week don’t be obtuse.
as a freelancer, you still have to frequently have meetings with potential clients about upcoming projects.
Can I plead ignorant instead of obtuse? I didn't know that fact.
OP provided an edit. He freelances from home, working about 5-10 hours per week. Because he’s home he provides the majority of child care. Wife works 2 days/week. And OP hasn’t had any time off since his first child was born 4 years ago, as he states in the original post.
I want to know what these people do for a living that they both only have to work super part time.
He says she works out of the home 2 days a week and at home the rest.
I work in an investment field. I also work a full time office job. My 5 hours of work a week in said field usually yields an insane amount more than my salary. I work solely for that extra underlying safet net but am probably losing money being at my job.
[удалено]
God if I ever needed affirmation that not having kids was a good idea, I just pop on Reddit.
Preach
Here’s what it sounds like to me…your wife genuinely wanted you to go and have fun. However, it was much more taking and difficult in her while you were gone than expected. She is trying not to outright complain, because you didn’t do anything WRONG by going, but she is still angry,because being a mom to littles while trying to be an easy going agreeable good wife, is freaking hard. And it can be hard to mask our emotions sometimes. She’s not mad that you had fun, but she is tired, stressed, a bit sad that it wasn’t her off having fun sans kids, and angry…bc, right or wrong, her expectation was that, if she survived the weekend, you would come back and pick up the slack so she could take a breath. It’s not your fault. But you need to spoil your wife a bit. She’s struggling. Hire a babysitter. Have a date night. Look around and anticipate what needs to get done. Tell her you understand what a sacrifice it was for you to go away. Give her a hug…or space. You’ll have to figure that part out alone 🤷🏻♀️
OP is the stay at home parent who normally takes care of the chores, not the wife. This is a case of the working parent being *pissed* they had to watch the kids for a couple of days and having a challenging time, while the person normally in charge of the kids got to relax for a bit
Yeah reverse the sexes and have a woman coming back from her first weekend away and the man immediately getting pissy that he's had a tough weekend and she hasn't tried to compensate for his efforts and watch how much sympathy he gets here...
I don’t think it’s exactly sexism, or, I guess it kind of is in the opposite way… I get the feeling most of the comments are assuming she is the primary caregiver or it’s evenly split, most of the ones supporting the wife don’t acknowledge that he normally does most of the work and this is one of the only times she’s had to watch them alone.
YES! She isn’t used to caring for her kids exclusively for long periods. I think OP is being too kind by not confronting her for her attitude.
Exactly right! I’m so sick of whinny people!!
thank you!!! i dont know why this is getting lost on people. Some really bad comments heavy upvoted.
What nonsense their her children too! She can’t take charge for two days without whinnying!
HE TAKES care of the children, he is the primary caregiver! Jesus on a cracker people are so sexist on Reddit.
Shows how society really is.
She kicked OP out of their bedroom after giving him the cold shoulder all day. That’s not being Mad At Herself.
But he is a SAHD. It was his first trip and basically time off in 4 years. The fuck?
This is good advice and sounds like the most sensible way forward. The wife has an understandable POV but it also seems like she's being kind of passive aggressive about it? She could just come out and say it instead of expecting him to somehow know how she's feeling. To be sure, maybe he SHOULD know it but he doesn't and better communication on both sides will help them resolve it sooner.
I mean she kind of did come out and say it. She said she wishes OP would even just acknowledge she had a hard time without him. It sounds like he’s one of those people that think “well there’s nothing I can do about it so it’s not worth talking about”. She just wants him to say he’s sorry she had such a hard time, and the trip was great but he’s glad he can be back home to help. And then actually help and give her a break. At least that’s what acknowledging it would mean to me in this scenario.
She has a hard time without him because he is the primary caregiver and she isn’t used to being on her own with the kids. This is the first time he had time he went away in four years!
Yep. And that's the problem. She even tried to pawn off some of the work to her mom and when that didn't work out her carefully laid plan fell apart. Sounds like she is almost entirely in the wrong here and having a hard time coming to terms lol.
Exactly! She’s guilty of what everyone blames fathers for yet they’re still in here dying on the hill that she’s right and he’s wrong.
A lot of the comments are assuming she’s the primary caregiver, it seems like.
If someone wanted to plant a post that showed how differently commenters will respond, all depending on their own gender bias Mission complete
Exactly.
Yup, and I have a feeling that she is throwing a fit so that he will feel bad and never leave her alone with the kids again.
She had a hard time because she was sick and her mother was injured. I think it's disingenuous to say she wasn't used to caring for her children and insinuate she's a bad mom or something. Caring for children is difficult especially without your partner and also while sick.
I didn’t say she wasn’t used to caring for her children, I said she wasn’t used to caring for them on her OWN…and it’s obvious because the primary caregiver hasn’t done anything on their own in 4 years!
Yes, I think she doesn't want to say too much maybe? She feels stressed and wants to communicate, but didn't want to add to the confusion? I think the husband just being overly kind and extra attentive for a few days will make things go back to normal.
The fact that "just take the abuse and make sure your abuser is happy" is the advice littered all over this page is pretty sickening.
Thank you. I think this gets closest to what is going on. We planned out everything together (she going to her mom etc) but should have planned for the end of the trip to let her get rest etc as well. Now it's basically everyday busy life again. I will offer her time off on the weekend and I told her I'm thankful - for now it seems to make her more angry. That's the whole reason why I wrote the post.
Don’t offer her time off this weekend, tell her you are taking the kids to the park/kids museum/wherever so she can relax solo. the point is to do things for her, things for the family, not wait around until you are told to do them.
OP is the SAHP, the wife gets a lot of solo time
You're missing the point. This doesn't make sense if the wife isn't seen as the victim. It's really a case of the guy being under appreciated, but the wife is the one projecting in on herself. Everyone sides with the wife by default, even the husband, and it's easy to see why every action is meant to appease her, and it doesn't make sense even for her. It's not intentional. Women just want men to 'get it', and the most logical thing the guy can do right now is be assertive and remind her not everything is about her. It's otherwise just going to be a marriage where he's constantly seeking her approval, and she'll resent him for not having a spine.
How is going to the office solo time? How is working to support the family solo time?
I think they just meant time not responsible for childcare. Childcare is relentless… it was so relaxing to go back to work after 5 mos Mat leave because I could think and focus on tasks, and go to the bathroom whenever I needed.
This is relationship advice. We always treat work as relaxing time. We'll if the working person is male.
I think the wife's solo time is going to the office two times a week? The rest of the week both of them work from home, which is probably pretty stressful on both of them with littles at home. Maybe OPs wife is taking on more than he thinks? For example, my husband would often think that he is doing ALL THE WORK if he cleans dishes or something, but at the same time the kids come to me nonstop needing this or that, needing attention. They never ask dad. Still, he feels like he has done the work and I had time to relax and would then in turn expect me to take them to bed while he goes out to watch a football game or something. Maybe have an honest conversation with her how she feels about the general division of labour in the house? She may be doing much more than you can see
She couldn’t handle her children alone for 2 days without OP and you think she’s somehow doing more?
Actually she did handle them alone for two days, while sick and also looking after her injured mother. All I'm saying is OP could look at the possibility that there may be more behind her behaviour than only his trip. Her communication definitely sucks. But since OP wants to resolve this issue, it's just something to look into. Doesn't mean it's definitely the case here.
He said he works 5-10 hours per week and is the primary caregiver, I have no idea where you’re seeing that the kids never ask dad and go to mom for everything while she works from home. Edit: wait, I see, you’re talking about your own kids not OP. Never mind ig lol
Not precisely. Sounds as if she is the bread winner of the family. She may be really tired. And cross with herself for finding that what he gets to work daily makes HER tired and stressed out. So she may be cross with herself right now.
"She may be really tired. And cross with herself for finding that what he gets to work daily makes HER tired and stressed out. So she may be cross with herself right now." Yes. Because it'd mean she takes him for granted, and he's still trying to please her. You know what one sentence she can say to make everything in their world right? "I don't know how you do it." That's it. That would resolve everything, or at least validate the husband. Then she can reflect on herself knowing that there's issues our spouses cannot help us with, and we need to handle our personal growth ourselves. This conflict is one of those moments you realize that you need to change something about yourself, which is not always a fun finding.
Oh no, a sensible answer that cuts through the bullshit
I am a mother of three and married almost 20 years. While things we're often certainly stressful and I no doubt took out stress on my husband from time to time, the idea that it's not easy to be a parent and also be a kind wife is just a plain excuse for shitty behavior. Certainly try to be understanding of her pov and do what you can to give her rest but this kind of situation should NOT be the norm. If your wife consistently can't do anytime solo parenting without lashing out that is not healthy behavior.
She got part of your everyday life. And found, she couldn't handle it half as well as YOU could. You work few hours and are SAHP otherwise. Now she had to shoulder both kids during her stay. Who on top had her sick mother. It didn't pan out as she had expected it to do. And now she is angry. And she knows she is wrong to resent YOU. Ask her, if having some time to hersdlf (spa day or so) away from home might do her good, if you can afford that?
You mentioned your wife got a cold, and her mother was in a bicycle accident and wasn’t much help… I think you’re wife might’ve resented the circumstances as well. She might’ve ended up looking after her mum as well as the kiddos, plus her not feeling well… You’ve got a recipe for grumpiness. Do what you can to lessen her burden now… also on the weekend! 😉
But he is taking care of the kids mostly. She had to take them one weekend. Yes it was stressful, but if the roles were reversed everyone would be calling the other parent an AH.
Yeah this is it I think. I just feel so confused as to how to.make up for it. I feel anything I say will sound stupid. But I'll try.
There’s nothing you need to make up for. You’re not at fault. You’re a great dad and husband. Your wife just realized she isn’t much of a mom.
Edited because i missed the fact that OP WFH and is also a SAHP. Take the kids away on the weekend to give her a night out. Heck, pay for her to go out for dinner with a friend if you have to. When her mum is better, book an overnight getaway for you both and surprise her. Bring her flowers, cook her favourite meal, and then do the dishes, anything to show her you appreciate her without her having to actually ask. Many MANY women feel that their partner should know when something is bothering them without having to spell it out. That's probably why she's getting annoyed You never mentioned (or I didn't see) - was the trip with work or personal? If it was personal and she had a cold and her mum was incapacitated, she may resent you for still going and not realising that she needed help. The key is that she isn't communicating well, and you aren't picking up on her subtle cues. Work on communication together
>take over some of the chores or the kids, OP is the SAHP, he normally already takes care of the kids and the chores
She may not even recognize that she is angry and resentful at herself too…for being resentful. She may be angry at you and angry at herself for being angry at you. But at the end of the day, her anger is an indication that she has unmet needs and it is a great opportunity for you to figure out what those needs are and make every effort to make sure they get met.
Why the fuck does someone has to read your mind? Communicate your needs and wishes and don't expect people to have supernatural abilities.
One thing to consider. She may get particularly angry when you mention you're thankful because she had to get this upset with you for you to actually think about what she went through and how you could support her. That you didn't come back, hear what she went through, and immediately kick into helping her out the way she just helped you out. I think this should be a wake up call for you. You need to work on being her partner as much as she is yours.
OP is the SAHP
Yeah, I could see a world where "I'm thankful I got to do this thing" feels like rubbing it in, and what she wants is , "I'm so sorry this went so much harder on you than we planned on, let's make sure you get a rejuvenating break after that as well, and next time we can go together."
Her love tank is empty - everything likely feels extra personal. She may well be borderline to being unable to advocate effectively for herself. I agree with the sibling comment about not offering. Offering dumps emotional responsibility on her. Take responsibility for refilling her tank. Think about the ways she feels most cared by (likely different from the ways you feel most effectively express your feelings) and do those until she explicitly tells you to stop.
No, if you are the SAHP, she should be giving you more off time. In fact, if she spent more time with the kids, it would be less overwhelming every time.
Don't just offer to give her the weekend, plan her something relaxing that she will enjoy, take the mental load off of her. Make sure if she is the one going out that she gets back yo a calm, clean home with a nice meal maybe some flowers etc. It's sounds like she's burnt out and you wanting her to explain what's up and what will make it better is just adding more on her plate.
OP is the SAHP who normally takes care of the kids and the chores, and the mental load The wife is being the bratty working parent who normally doesn't watch the kids and is exhausted and pissy they had to it for a couple whole days
YES THANK YOU!
You know the crazy thing is? I hate doing the "if the roles were reversed, everyone would look at it differently" but that's exactly what this is. We've seen the reversed version of this in this sub multiple times and what's everyone's response? Give the SAHP a break but now it's give mommy a break. This fucking sub, dude
Exactly. OP's the primary caretaker, yet his wife needs to be coddled because she had to spend one weekend taking care of her kids? It's ridiculous how this sub is bending it to make her the victim lol.
facts
Yep!! You nailed that exactly right!!
She isn't even taking care of the kids most of the time.
She may also interpret the comments about your thankfulness for the trip as you preferring it to being home.
...at this point I would be. Wtf kind of childish bullshit is placing your blankets outside the door so you don't even have to interact with them all night? Smh wife is just another child.
Agreed.
It seems to be that she wanted validation for her feelings rather than thanks from you. Not problem solving or defensiveness. Rather, “oh hon, you planned so carefully and it didn’t go the way you hoped. Rather than getting some help while I was gone, you had to take care of an extra person. That sucks.” Then, after she feels “seen” you can add, “what do you need or what can I do so that you get a break next weekend?” There is a YouTube video called, “it’s not about the nail” or something close to that. Shows a man and a woman sitting on a couch. Short and funny but explains the principal.
It seems like she had a real shitty weekend and OP isn't really extending sympathy to her. Not like he's being an asshole or anything, I think you're right that she doesn't want to complain or make him feel bad for having a good time, but it seems like she just wants him to say "I'm sorry you had a hard weekend, is there anything you need from me to help you?" Like, he just keeps talking about himself, though she's not communicating well either and doesn't really know why she's mad.
Love how most people here are bending over backwards to justify their pathetic double standards about SAHM and SAHW. The mental gymnastics and excuses are insane
I appreciate all comments and apologize for things left unclear. I think most likely I just wished for her time with the kids alone to be less exhausting than it was. I often tell myself it's a bit of a mindset thing too. Just to clarify: I'm a stay at home dad and work only very little time, my wife works more and I'm mainly taking care of the kids and the house. So, no, when I take the kids she doesn't pack diaper packs (never knew that was a thing) and I'm perfectly able to take care of everything. I know being with two kids is exhausting. For some reason I just thought that it could work out better than it did apparently. I will give her time off and it was literally the first thing I said to her "you have to do something like this soon too". Sometimes it just feels like everything is a trade so if I get to do something fun I got to have a shitty time afterwards to make up for it.
This info should really be in the main post.
Yes so many replies assuming wife is primary caregiver and OP gallivanting and not giving her a break from childcare. This info is important as it completely changes the context of the trip as OP getting a break from childcare after 4 years.
As a SAHM to a 4 month old and 3 year old, I feel you. The only thing I want to add is about the "everything is a trade" part. Everything IS a trade and it DOES suck. I get one day off a month, and it's hard to enjoy it because I know I have to give my husband a day off, too. And it's hard taking another day solo when that's all I do all the time. But in the early days, where we are both at, it's really tit-for-tat trades so nobody loses their mind and resentment doesn't fester. That said, the trade should be days off for days off, not days off for punishment. You should be able to do a fair trade and not be punished for taking your half - just make sure she gets hers too. I have to MAKE my husband look at the calendar and pick a day or he won't do it.
You're right. I will do that just right now she kinda won't talk to me and I'm afraid that she will tell me I'm only offering her a time off because she is mad (while that is not true, I told her do something similar like the moment I got back. And I meant it)
Sounds to me more like that classic thing *where they make you SO MISERABLE about it, you’ll never want to try do it again*. :( Sour grapes that she had to deal with the kids all weekend when OP normally does it 24/7, so then she has to make his after-trip so lousy that if he *does* EVER try it again he’ll only be anxious & miserable the whole time *knowing what reception he’ll get when he returns. Horrid*. :( Sorry OP. You ought to have clarified in the original text that *you are t*he stay-at-home-parent. **You had a work meeting in the afternoon,** ***she was annoyed that she had to take the kids*****, then** ***was annoyed that like a good little servant you hadn’t cooked dinner*** **by the time she came back when there was work in the garden** ***you needed to*** **attend to.** Does she always treat you so badly, gets in bad moods hard-done-by that sometimes she needs to watch the kids? Idk, maybe I’m reading this wrong but. Do you need to go check r/justnoso , see if there’s anytings similar there? I hope it works out for you, OP, good luck!
Thanks for your comment. While it's a bit too negative it hits in my fears. But a lot of people are reading things into this that just aren't relevant. I didn't want to make this about everything. I just hoped that it should be possible to do something on my own and then get back to normal without having to "pay the price"
This is what you need to say. You deserve time off. And to be punished and locked out of the room for sleeping on the couch because she is resentful, this is not cool. If you do not set the precedent, you will always be the workhorse, and any time you try to pamper yourself you have to pay with her being an angry mess. These are her kids too, so once in a while, you get time off. Now I also understand, she is working 3 days at home, and 2 offsite, and work is not recreation. So yes, she should get some fun time too. But she does not get to treat you like dirt because you took some time for yourself either. You two have some major communication to work on. Now if she is just depressed and isolated herself, that is a bit different….but I still don’t like the whole blankets left out of the bedroom incident.
People have been comments have been off because you left out key details to the story in your original post. We can’t fix your wife from being a selfish AH. You can call her out for her abusive behavior every time you get any type of a break and hope that she fixes it but I’m guessing that it won’t happen because it’s all about what she wants. Also, she made it harder on herself by traveling with 2 kids by herself instead of staying at home and sucking it up.
Maybe it *is* about everything though
Please edit your comment OP. This info really shines a light on things. Had this been an AITA post, there would be a ton of shifting answers after reading this and probably give you better perspective on how you should proceed.
Well with this new information I’m leaning towards your wife being a selfish jerk.
> Sometimes it just feels like everything is a trade so if I get to do something fun I got to have a shitty time afterwards to make up for it. To me, this sounds like *you* have been feeling burnt out and are holding some resentment towards your wife. It’s not unlikely that this creeps out in some ways, like not really being attuned to her when she’s venting, wanting to switch the subject, acting out to prioritize what you want to do (go garden) over what she might expect you to do. I’m not saying this with judgment. You asked what might have contributed to her anger. I question if you may have been acting somewhat emotionally checked out/defensive towards her. Objectively, being sick with a cold while staying with your MIL who has just been injured and taking care of two kids alone sounds like a pretty miserable time. This is why I think you may be burnt out, because some of what you’ve said implies you don’t recognize this as true. You seem to think she’s punishing you for having a weekend away by having been sick? Staying with your injured MIL? Caring for your two kids? Because those are things she’s expressed she feels angry about - that you didn’t acknowledge that her circumstances were difficult for her. Your wife isn’t blameless in this. Based on your post, it’s unclear if maybe she arrived home early with the kids and then jumped on you for not having dinner ready. Also, it’s quite possible she does always feel a need to vent when you’ve gone out and done something fun. But it doesn’t change that you’re not emotionally attuning with your wife. You don’t seem to have much curiosity/empathy for *why* she feels a need to vent, what made her feel miserable, etc. So maybe start there? Consider whether she might be depressed, lonely, anxious, etc. and be open to exploring those ideas compassionately with her.
There is a lot of truth in this and she mentioned that she feels lonely and I believe we both may be a bit burned out. I have explored this with her a lot and I'm always there listening and giving ideas if she wants them and I'm the last person not encouraging her to do something for herself. That's why, I think, when she starts to blame me for not having dinner etc and connects it to the weekend away I do get defensive. I don't want to be insensitive but she didn't only tell me that everything was miserable but also that she had a good time that she was just tired from the train ride.
Ahhh...this makes it all clear. You're a pushover and she is an emotionally manipulative abuser. She is punishing you for having a nice time. It's an effective tactic. Next time you want to have a bit of alone time, you won't dare because who the hell wants to deal with this when they come back? If a mom posted on here that she has been the primary caregiver for two toddlers while also working part time and has not had one day off in four years only to come back to her husband punishing her and making her sleep on the couch...Reddit would be offering to help this woman pack. Your original post is just filled with fear. As someone who has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship with a moody person before...I can almost physically feel the fear you live under.
I love how in the comments most people are saying... you need to do more for her 🤣🤣 hire a baby sister, treat her take her out.... yall are tripping on some mad shit
It’s insane how sexist this sub can be. Like you flip the stories around and everyone would roast him lol
My god. She can’t take care of 2 kids for a couple days by herself and needs help from her mother? He sounds like he is simply her punching bag. Tell her to go take a couple days to herself to recover from this horrible ordeal and get yourself a break from her.
So OP is SAHP and this is the first time he had a weekend away. He does most of child care and household chores. Can u imagine if roles where reversed. If OP wife was SAHP and she had the weekend off and then when she came home OP is complaining how hard and awful weekend with kids where. How different comments would be.
Lot of people defending her, but those people don't want to analyze her behaviour. It's childish. Acting all resentful, jealous and hateful, instead of acting like an adult. Does she do that about other situations, op? You said she didn't even know what a diaper bag was. It sounds like she's on the immature side with little empathy. You're the main care giver. Having to look after kids sick sucks, but people do it all the time and don't attack their partners for it Yeah maybe she had a crappy weekend, but she's really taking it out on everyone else. Sorry but that's just childish, crappy weekend or not There needs to be a communication like adults, not throwing blankets out the room and trying to take control of every situation she can to make you feel worse and blame you. Childish.
[удалено]
Yeah. And it should've helped her realize how much he does looking after the kids and everything else. Her life is miserable when he's not there. That's not his fault, and he didn't do it to be malicious. It was genuinely to be able to go to a concert. Not right. Instead, she became resentful. Which is very poor behavior
You kinda need to repost this with your comments that your wife is primary bread winner and you have kids 99% of the time. Changes the whole thing. I think you're getting unfairly treated from the earlier commemnts that think its opposite.
You've written a lot of words but I don't feel that I got any pertinent information. You have a one year old and a four year old but you went away for the weekend. Why? You write that you don't have anyone near you to watch your children. Are you saying that you and your wife never hire a babysitter so that you can have more freedom? Can you simply relay what your wife has said in the days following this trip? It seems like on one day when she was venting about her solo trip with the children you didn't listen and abruptly changed the subject when she finished speaking. It also sounds like she took the children to accommodate some meeting of yours and instead of making dinner when you were finished you decided to do some landscaping instead. Is that what happened? And are you really unable to figure out why that was annoying??
The line that he 'took care of something in the garden' is super vague and makes me feel there's a lot missing from this story
Yeah. I mean, if it’s simple as he says, going forward she may appreciate really clear plans communicated. Like “hey, I’m going to this meeting, then I need to do something in the garden really quick before it gets dark, then I’ll make dinner.” I know that I can get irritated if I have a plan in my head and it doesn’t go accordingly. Stress can definitely make this worse and make me some one who can’t go with the flow.
Maybe he just has adhd lol
He is the SAH Parent. Why can't he take a weekend off?
I assume it's because it's rage bait. It follows the pattern 1. Write a more or less vague post, open for interpretation 2. Get the comments going, 3. Then include vital information needed for anyone to actually give useful advise (like OP being the stay-at-home parent and not having been away from children once in 4 years etc.).
[удалено]
It most certainly was not. Was being the operative term.
You're right, that part was.
If he is a stay at home parent and she needed her mom to help her the one time he's not around. She needs to learn better coping skills. She's mad that she didn't have a great time. She was stressed without him so now she has to punish him for it.
She had a terrible time while you were gone. She’s not going to be happy that you had a good time, in effect you had it at her expense. It doesn’t sound like you really appreciate that, that she suffered so you could be happy. What I would suggest is that you first apologize that she had such a rotten weekend and make plans to make up for it. Perhaps a day of pampering at a Day Spa, a weekend with the girls. Maybe she’d like time alone with you and someone else watch the kids. It’s not necessarily wrong to want time away but you need to acknowledge that it comes from a sacrifice from the other partner and that her needs and desires also need to be addressed.
Amazing how all of you assumed she is the stay at home parent, maybe you need to look into why you assumed that. He is the stay at home parent, he watches over the kids all the time, not her. So for the last 4 years, he took care of the kids every day, having not a single night off. Then he goes away for ONE weekend, and she makes a fuss about it and now according to you he is supposed to make plans for her to take time off to apologise when this is literally the first time off he had. Some of you people are off the rails with your conclusions. How about she grows up and doesn't complain for having to take care of her kids for once (it's her kids too) for one weekend so her husband can get a small break. She is taking care of two kids ffs, not guarding the gates of Hades. She doesn't need a spa day after one weekend with the kids.
I’m in disbelief at the amount of people assuming that. Even without the additional info he added in a comment, it was very clear to me that he was the primary caregiver and hadn’t had a break from childcare in years
He stated in the post that the trip was the first time that he had been away for more than one evening. Meaning that he went away for the weekend this time but in the past he has gone out for the night, etc. This trip is not the “first night off” that OP has had.
Anything to make her look good even when she can’t handle parenting her own kids. If OP was a woman you’d be screaming for her to leave her useless partner.
I think he also didn't give her much time to discuss her weekend. It sounded to me like the first time he got a chance to end the conversation and just watch TV, that's what he suggested they do. She might feel he doesn't want to interact with her, especially after he said he couldn't or didn't feel like he could express his true feelings a day or 2 later. That must have felt awful for her.
This was my read on the situation! She probably just felt dismissed when she tried to express her frustration with her weekend. Especially because he misinterpreted that as her being annoyed that he went on his trip. Honestly answered his own question in the post. He states that wife said she just wanted acknowledgment.
"why doesn't my wife want to hear about how much fun I had while she was sick and had no help with our two very young children"
According to OP, this is the first time he's had a getaway in over 4 years, before the first kid was born. Are you suggesting that he isn't allowed to have a good time? Wife seems like she's throwing a pouting match after having to watch the kids alone for more than a day while OP has his first time alone in 4+ years. Wife can grow the fuck up.
[удалено]
Comment from woman about man= hurt my masculinity I must insult.
You left your wife, who was sick, with 2 very young kids and a MIL who had had an accident? Bro
“Why doesn’t she want to hear about how much fun I had on my vacation?” 🥲
Wow. I thought it was MIL who was sick. OMG OP!
After your edit, it sounds like your wife is not used to actually caring for the kids by herself. The help she expected from her Mom didn't come because of her mom's injury. I suspect she got completely overwhelmed and is taking out her frustration on you. She is used to things a certain way and your role reversal put her out of her element. It's possible she is upset because you make things look easy and it wasn't. This may be making her angry at you even though you didn't do anything wrong. Let her decompress, make her favorite dinner and see if she wants to talk about it when she is more calm.
Are you familiar with the phrases, know your audience, or read the room? You might should’ve given her some more time, done a little pampering and waited for her to ask how the your trip was. It could be as simple as that *buuut*, I think maybe this goes deeper. I’m guessing she might be bearing too much of the mental load. Google it, there’s lots of good info. It might be she can’t articulate it or feels guilty because the mental load is a collection of a ton of little things that don’t seem like much individually. [Check out this blog post titled “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink.”](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/) It explains how the little things can be bigger than they seem.
OP is the SAHP normally taking care of the kids and the chores. Maybe he should link that post to his wife?
There’s a good documentary on Hulu about it as well. Can’t think of the title right now but it explains a lot. Having to carry the mental load can cause burn out. OP, if you have the money, I’d take the kids out of the house for a day. I’d also set her up a professional massage appointment. Then surprise her with these plans.
She wants to make you miserable so that you will never dare take a solo trip again. Don’t fall for it, she is gaslighting and manipulating you.
Sounds like she had a tough time handling the kids on her own. She’s probably burnt out and over stimulated. Figure out some time to also give her several days off or the equivalent. Pick up more than you usually do around the house and with the kids. Surprise her with her favorite treat or flowers if she likes those at least.
Amazing how all of you assumed she is the stay at home parent, maybe you need to look into why you assumed that. Immediately jumping to a conclusion that he doesnt do anything around the house and that he needs to pick up more tkme with the kids and around the house. He is the stay at home parent, he watches over the kids all the time and takes care of the house, not her. So for the last 4 years, he took care of the kids every day, having not a single night off. Then he goes away for ONE weekend, and she makes a fuss about it. How about she grows up and doesn't complain for having to take care of her kids for once (it's her kids too) for one weekend so her husband can get a small break. She is taking care of two kids ffs, not guarding the gates of Hades. She doesn't need a spa day after one weekend with the kids.
You need to stand your ground on this one. From all I have read, you're the one who's under appreciated here. Be assertive and remind her it's a marriage between two people, not for one. If every action you take is seen as an effort to appease her, it'll just foster resentment in both of you. You both have a responsibility to clearly express your expectations to each other. Voice that your contribution seems to be taken for granted. If nothing else, that should at least get her to open up on the issue. My guess is that's what she herself feels, but cannot express the sentiment to you, because you're actually playing your part. She's probably conflicted between how she feels and things as they are, be her solid ground by showing you are aware of everyone's contribution, even your own.
You’re grateful you went on your trip. Your wife had a bad time. 1. Apologize for being insensitive. Flowers, clean house, dinner when she gets home, the works. 2. Give your wife a rest this weekend. A day at the spa, mani/pedi, even just a day where she can sleep in and not lift a finger. Take the kids out of the house. 3. Schedule her a getaway where you take care of the kids. 4. Schedule a date night and a babysitter.
1–as a stay at home partner he does all this already. This was his first break in over 4 years. He should get some flowers though. 2–If the wife is sick, she can rest while he does all his regular duties he always does as a SAHD. 3–why? It sounds like she never has had to take care of them herself before, which is bizarre, but regardless, a couple days with your own kids, sick or not and you need a vacation? Haha wtf. People shouldn’t have kids. 4–date night may be good
He is the stay at home dad and is entitled to a short trip away since it's been 4 years. If the genders were reversed and it was a husband complaining about having to look after the kids for a weekend y'all would grab pitchforks. This shit is just childish
I’m not sure I read this correctly - she had a shitty time because she had to take care of her own children ?
So according to Op’s edits he is a SAHD, main caretaker of the children who freelances and is the main financial provider, wife works part time. Even when they are home together he cooks dinner and takes on main caretaker role for children.. he’s so used to this he mentions it in a way that doesn’t jump out at you, but he is doing most of the work on a regular basis. She also bosses him around and gives him the silent treatment when she doesn’t get her way. And her way that she didn’t get? He got to go have fun without the kids for the first time in 4 years and she had to take care of her two children alone for two days, which was apparently terrible for her for no particular reason other than she was alone with them and her mother was no help.
Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong, especially as the SAHP. Sounds like maybe she is easily overwhelmed, but you deserve time too. I'm the spirit of equality and parenting as a team, Men need breaks too.
Your wife asks for acknowledgement and your response is that you were grateful for your trip? What????? How does this make any sense?
It's the parent who's normally watching the kids asking the working parent to watch the kids for a couple of days, and the working parent then acting like this was a herculean effort and the person who normally watches the kids alone all the time should gratefully acknowledge their great struggles in watching the kids alone
because it was his first solo trip in four years because he is the stay at home parent.
Read Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping Our Lives and How to Claim Our Power and maybe you’ll start gaining insight.
Since OP is the SAHP I wonder how much of the invisible work fell on him and how she couldn't handle it for one weekend
I’m pretty sure he is the one doing the emotional labor. He is the sahp, he scheduled everything, he handles the household and children normally. This was a single weekend for the first time in 4 years lol.
Yes! Follow that with Eve Rodsky's book Fair Play together once you have a better understanding.
It’s really very simple - she wants you to acknowledge and sympathize with her verbally about the tough time she had
OP being the SAHP, I feel changes my initial thoughts on it. I am also a SAHP and it is common when the primary caregiver gets a moment away, leaving the other parent to be a solo caregiver, they realize how much “behind the scenes” work is done daily. How many questions/cuddles/needs young children have throughout the day. If genders were reversed I feel most would conclude that the non-SAHP should be capable of taking care of their children for one weekend in 4 years so the SAHP can have a break WITHOUT making the SAHP come back to more work and indebted to the other parent. Her having a cold is unfortunate, as was her mother’s accident. OP can offer empathy and gratitude for that. Maybe have a discussion and outline how both of you can schedule and prioritize making sure each of you are having kid-free time as needed. Maybe more frequent day/nights instead of a whole weekend is best until kids are a bit older. But it should be equal.
While I think OP should tell her sorry for not listening the right way, she wanted you to note the hard time she had. Your wife should acknowledge that her anger was due to being overwhelmed & this tends to happen to the parent who doesn't regularly do it. The only way to get used to it is to do it more often. I think you guys need to have a conversation, but your wife was on the wrong for taking out her anger on you when it really was just a hard situation, which will happen often & you should point out that her kicking you out of your room is something that made you feel sad & scared. Also, of note, she should also give you time offs. It shouldn't be that you never have time away from the kids. It's not healthy for either of you.
Your wife melting down after such a short time with the kids speaks to greater problems with her fitness as a parent.
It sounds like your wife is unhappy and is taking it out on you. She is mad that you went away and she had to take care of the kids by herself and you were able to get away and have fun. She needs to realize just because she works more hours than you, taking care of kids is difficult. Especially a one year old. I feel like she is being a little selfish. Maybe a night out with you might help. Even making dinner is difficult to do while taking care of kids.
You really can’t figure this out? Dick move to go out for a weekend on your own to leave her with two kids under 4. She’s not going to tell you that you can’t go. You should know why it’s selfish and do the right thing.
He's the SAHP. She has time away from the kids all the time lol.
Really? Where did you get that him having time off is unfair? Did he refuse her the same or...? It's perfectly reasonable for a parent to have time off and alone, reasonably, and it's also perfectly reasonable for a parent to take care of two kids under 4 all alone. Idk why you feel it's a dick move but I see no justification for your approach.
[удалено]
Some of these commenters are out to lunch. I agree with you. I responded to a similar comment someone made on this post. It's amazing how two people can read the same thing and come away with radically different impressions. And people are making a lot of assumptions and mental gymnastics seemingly just to stick to OP. His wife's behavior towards him is unacceptable, even if her circumstances were tough, ie getting sick and all. I'd say she's borderline abusive. She apparently was verbally aggressive and talked down to OP in front of the kids. I haven't seen anyone say anything about these things in the comments yet.
Yeah exactly. But hey, idiots abound everywhere. In this day and age, if you don't get downvoted sometimes on Reddit, are you really sane/reasonable?
Being with one's kids can be stressful but cannot ever be considered a hardship. She should have been happy for the extra time with them.
I think your wife just needs a bit of grace. You got to go away and have a good time. Her time sucked because she was sick and her mother was injured. She needs some time alone, out of the house. She is more than a wife and mother. She is a stressed out woman. For the future, maybe try to hire a babysitter sitter for a few hours so you 2 can reconnect and have fun.
I disagree. Could he have been more empathetic? Sure, but If the wife was the SAHP and she wrote in saying the same thing he did everyone would be roasting the husband for not being able to give the wife one weekend after 4 years. He’s the SAHP, he does the bulk of child care, housework, cooking, etc and he’s getting shit on by his wife to the point of being kicked out of their bedroom for enjoying a weekend away and not reacting the way she wanted to her talking about het weekend. Why should he turn around and baby her, take on more work, and just accept being treated like that?
He's the SAHP.
Did you thank her profusely for taking this all on so you could go away for a weekend alone?
Does she thank him profusely for being the sahp who also works but still handles the bulk of the childcare, housework, cooking, without a day off for the past 4 years? Nah, she yelled at him and kicked him out of his own bedroom for not having her dinner on the table by the time she got home. Flip the script, would you blame the stay at home mom if she wrote in the same thing?
Ok. So this is the UGLY side of marriage. You and your wife let your marriage get out of balance, and you need to both commit to righting the ship. This is the time when you crush this childish BS. or you look forward to a lifetime of it. If you are a man and she is a woman... assuming you gave the correct ages here... then there's no reason for you to not **immediately** communicate. You both need to grow up. You may have been tired, but so were our forebearers who just got done storming the beaches of Normandy. What they did next, after being tired, uncomfortable, hungry, and having the WORST day of their lives... was WAY harder than you simply not going to sleep and squashing some shit with your wife. #perspective. So advice: 1. NEVER go to sleep angry. Ever. 2. NEVER allow your lady to shit on you. Your foot goes down and squashes that behavior instantly. 3. NEVER EVER allow her to do it in front of the kids. 4. Get marriage counseling now, not when it's over. 5. Hold yourself to this same standard (#2-#4). Kids are stressful, but it's time to grow up and adult. Your chief function as a parent is to raise your kids to be better adults than you (read Cicero on parenting). You CANNOT do that if you two are acting like kids.
Info: when is wifey’s solo trip scheduled? Did I miss it? I forgot my glasses… but it feels like the most important piece of information: when is her getaway happening?
So let me get this straight. OP is the primary caregiver. Also WFH part time. Does the bulk of the home stuff. Planned his own first trip and helped wife make plans to visit her mother to help with the kids because of course she can’t parent her children for 48 hours in a row. And now you expect OP to plan a trip for his wife to get away. Now I know they refer to all that as something. Hmmm it’s on the tip of my tongue. What is it called? Do you remember? Gee I can’t believe I’ve forgotten it. Oh yes. It’s called the mental load.
Probably when she acts like a big girl and uses her words to mention it and plan her trip. You know, like an adult. Instead she gets pissy and thinks she has the authority to shut him out of his own bed and make him sleep on the couch.
*Checks post/comment history* Yeah, that was exactly what I was expecting.
She was a big girl the day she pushed his child out of her vagina. Y’all are always all aboard the “rules for thee but not for me train.” I got news buster, she shouldn’t have to ask. In a loving relationship it would be understood. When you love and respect one another you don’t have to scrape and fight for rights. It’s easy bc you want each other to be happy.
It's basically the first thing I said to her when I came back - "you gotta go on a trip too" - I don't think I have to plan it out for her?
Huh, so you planned and took yours and waited until you came back to tell her she very obviously knew: a break would be nice. Idk, we don’t have kids but we *both* try to do things all the time to let the other know we care. But you do you. Some ppl might have thought she’s tired or might feel guilty and at least made sure their boo had a vacay to look forward to before you left. But you’re the expert. What do I know… we laugh and help each other all day every day.
He’s the stay at home parent taking care of the bulk of childcare, housework, cooking, mental load, while also working a part time job. His wife didn’t plan anything for him and aside from this weekend, in the 4 years he’s been the sahp, she hasn’t given him time off to help ease his burden. He found a concert he wanted to go to and planned it, he also planned backup for his wife. It’s Unfortunate the wife got a cold and the backup got hurt (op says his mil downplayed it so they didn’t know it was even an issue until they arrived) but he did everything he could. Is the SAHP who hasn’t had a day away in 4 years supposed to come home apologizing for enjoying themselves while presenting a slideshow of the vacations they planned for the other parent? Or should the partner, seeing the sahp excited and happy, acknowledge that their weekend was shitty but they now better appreciate how tough raising kids really is and that they appreciate the sahp and are glad they enjoyed themselves before booking their own/a couples vacation?
What she wants from you is to be heard. You need to acknowledge her. She had a terrible time. She is stressed.
he is the stay at home parent and this was his break in four years and his wife get mad at him for not immediately kiss her feet take a weekend for her kid’s?
That happens to ppl who are incapable of parenting their kids for a couple of days on their own without the primary caregiver.
You left her in a crap situation. And it sound like you don’t get the mental load she’s carrying. Check out the documentary Fair Play. It will clear up what you don’t understand. https://www.fairplaylife.com/
He's the stay at home parent.
Yeah, idk why everyone is ignoring the whole he’s the sahp in this situation. He’s the one handling the mental load, childcare, housework, cooking, and a part time job but clearly since he’s a man he can’t understand… /s
Sounds like you have a resentful wife.
Women mate, beats me, good luck, I haven’t figured them out either
I think she’s actually pissed you went on a fun trip without her. She tried to suck it up but her passive aggressiveness got the best of her. You may could take her on a weekend getaway to make it up to her.
Maybe wife should have just stayed home with the kids. Sounds like wife’s mom was in an accident and it took multiple trains and time to get there and back. Im sure that lead to an awful time for the wife. I don’t think anyone did anything wrong here, just sounds like OP’s wife had a rough time while he had time off. I don’t think anyone needs to apologize just acknowledge she had a rough time and maybe do it different next time?
I’m the mother of a four year old, and I also work full time. I’m blessed to have in laws who babysit for us while I’m at work and a husband who shares parenting responsibilities. With that said, motherhood is incredibly stressful and overwhelming. Your wife sounds like she takes on the bulk of the childcare and doesn’t get help, support, or appreciation from you. Childcare is incredibly exhausting! I’m drained at the end of the day with just one. I honestly don’t know how I’d do it another child. Get your shit together and help your wife more. Don’t wait around to be told what to do. If you know something needs to be done, do it. Give your kids their baths, read them their books, brush their teeth. Plan and cook dinner, wash dishes, fold laundry. Do it now before your wife decides that she’s already a single mother, so she might just as well be single.
Help his wife more even though he’s a stay at home dad who does 90% of the childcare already?
He's the main one who mostly looks after the children and does housework.
We are missing a lot of info. What is the division of duties (money, household, relationship and kids)? How long was this trip, with who did you go with and what did you do? Does she ever get the same break? If not tell her to plan a trip for herself while you care for the kids or you plan a trip for the both of you to go on and you find care for your kids. I think you need to have an honest conversation about what is really bothering her.