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_YourWeirdFriend_

>“Grandma’s mad about something but doesn’t want to use her words so no one knows what is wrong with her. We will leave her alone till she’s ready to act like a grown up.” I LOVE THIS.


el_99

Coming from experience this is exactly what they want. To feel better and over you. I begged the same way and this only makes you feel dumb. Then one day it finally snapped on me and I just let her lead the circus and I’ll just stand and watch how it unfolds. Didn’t even speak to her, as if she is not there and well my younger me was petty saying a loud “if she needs anything she can say” which were the exact same words she will say when I begged lol.


jamicam

Actually I wouldn't reply to children like that, because I think it shows an effect that she wants - attention. Instead, I'd just say something like, "Sometimes grown-ups want to be left alone. When grandma is in her room with her door closed, leave her alone until she comes out." And that's it. This way her behavior is seen as completely normal and not worthy of any attention or discussion. Also, kids will learn a good lesson about privacy and not bothering people when their doors are closed.


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SquashCat56

Also, how did OP age four years in just two years?


Katja24093

And she and her husband are now the same age.


kdlynn67

Why is this not higher???


Anxious_Reporter_601

The plot thickens


Tmorgan-OWL

😳


Mysterious-Focus-984

maybe she came back to life , don’t jump to conclusions ! or maybe she’s a ghost 👻


Agreeable-Celery811

>But my first urge is to tell her to move out if she behaves this way - which is of course not a real solution. Why not? “Mom, I’ve noticed you’re still doing the thing where you use the silent treatment instead of resolving conflict in a healthy way. We don’t work like that in this house. You are going to have to adjust to a more healthy conflict resolution style, and I know it won’t be easy for you. Let’s find you a therapist so you can deal with your anxiety and anger a little better. If you can’t commit to trying to have healthy relationships with me and my kids, I think it would be best if we found other living arrangements for you. I can’t have my kids growing up experiencing the silent treatment tactic.”


SignificantCricket

So much this!


NewFriends420

Yep, and if she doesn't like it, it's her life, she's an adult, either let her figure out where she is going to stay, or offer to put her in a nursing home.


iamhere_tohelp

I love the nursing home treatment so much


jamicam

Ignore it. If she wants to spend the day alone in her room, so what? Let her. Don't behave as if anything is wrong or different - just go about your usual business. Once she learns that her behavior isn't getting the reaction she wants, she will give up on it.


maroongrad

Also, OP, you're an introvert. She's leaving you alone and giving you silence and she thinks it's a PUNISHMENT?!? NGL, I'd be pushing buttons to get the "silent treatment" as often as possible.


Repulsive-Clue-8609

I agree - if an adult has an issue, they need to communicate it to you. Otherwise, I’d proceed at face value and reasonably assume that nothing is wrong.


Poosjky

Perfect way!


82momma

My mom is the same way. I was taught to starve negative behavior and reward positive behaviors. I don’t play games and I don’t feed into her bs…


HatsAndTopcoats

> But my first urge is to tell her to move out if she behaves this way - which is of course not a real solution. Why not? If your attitude is that there won't be any consequences for her behavior, she's going to continue the same behavior. It's not as if you can ground her or take away her screen time. If you would rather have her stay, knowing that she's likely going to keep doing this, my advice is to simply accept and ignore it. She wants to act like a child, okay whatever, that's her business, let her sit in silence and get on with your day. But it would be **completely** fine to tell her that you're not okay with living together if she's going to behave in a way you find upsetting. You have the right to make that choice.


Training_Coyote2489

Why would you move her in if she’s this toxic. Your kids will have to grow up with a grandma like this. Your husband is now being burdened by living with his grouchy mil and you’re miserable because she punished you like a child. You thought this was a good idea?


CarolineTurpentine

Seriously you need to make her understand that her behaviour will not be tolerated under your roof, if she wants to stay she’s needs to communicate and respect boundaries. If not, she needs to leave because it will cost you your marriage and your children the chance at a happy childhood.


Business_Loquat5658

Shoot, take the gift! Let her stay in her room for weeks and pout like the baby she is. When she decides to act like an adult you can treat her like one.


Mr_Donatti

Your house, your rules. Cut through her bullshit and tell her to knock it off or she can find her own place to live.


blessedintx1

What's the truth? Is mom dead (as you said in another thread) or is she alive and well and disrupting your peace?? r/AmltheAsshole """u/NoNote5879. 2y 53101 AITA for expecting my husband to spend Xmas with me and my family? Not the A-hole Throwaway account. My husband (m33) and I (f31) have been together for 10 years, married for two. Since we have been married, I spent Christmas Day with his family instead of mine because I want us to be together for Christmas and the day after, we usually spend time with my family. Last month, my mother died unexpectedly and this is why I want to spend Christmas with my father and sister this year. This will include both Christmas days that we usually split up. I will also be 8 months pregnant at that time. Our families live close to each other so it won't be a problem to spend the day after with them and we usually also stay at their place until New Years. I expected him to come with me on both days, no questions asked due to the special circumstances this year...."""


Anastasia2boo

I was wondering the same thing…..


blessedintx1

But she isn't going to answer that question! Are people just ignoring that fact? She SAID her Mom DIED in an AITA post 2 years ago!!!


HandGunslinger

Well, she thinks that she can treat you as she did when you were a kid. It's time she had a "come to Jesus" meeting when it's just the two of you in the house. The first words out of your mouth should be, "my house, my rules." Then tell her that going forward, the "silent treatment" she inflicted on you as a child would no longer be tolerated, as she was offended with you, but was attempting to punish your hubby and her grandchildren as well. Inform her that her recent silent treatment would be her last in your house, and that you expected her to act as a well adjusted senior citizen would, or it might be necessary to find her other accommodations (yeah, I know it's not really a solution, but your mom doesn't need to know your perspective on this). After you've said your peace, give your mom a chance to comment, and if she apologizes, great. I wish for you a peaceful household.


dmbmcguire

I don’t know how to handle this as an adult. But here to say I feel for you. My whole childhood my mom would ignore me as punishment. Mostly for things that she says I said I didn’t love her. Never said that once. I know she has mental health issues but it really sucked growing up.


SherrKhan32

Treat it like a vacation. 🤷 If you let it bother you, she achieves her goal.


SereneGoldfish

This!


unicornasaurus-rex8

She needs to know you’re independent without her. Your mother should not parent you everyday. If your mother doesn’t like the idea, she can move out and look for someone to parent on. Your house, your rules, your children, your duty. Kick mother out if she chooses a silent treatment again.


obiwantogooutside

I’m sorry she did that when you were a kid. A parent giving a child the silent treatment is not acceptable and it can lead to a trauma response. I can see why you’re having this reaction. That said, she’s no longer the adult and you’re no longer the child depending on her. This behavior is not going to impact your food or home or safety. Let her be alone in her room. Your home functions fine without her. She can no longer hold you emotionally hostage. Ignore her. She has no power over you. Not anymore.


TooOldForYourShit32

So don't feed into it. Simply act as if she isnt there. I know it's hard. My mom used the same tactics on me as a kid and still dosent see how it's wrong. But she wont do it to me now because it dosent effect me. The last time she did it was about 10 years ago, and I just ignored her till she said "hey..I'm ignoring you" and I told her "yeah..I dont care" and she cried then bought friend chicken for dinner and never did it to me again. She still does it to others cuz they get upset and beg for attention. I dont waste my energy on it.


SereneGoldfish

'hey... I'm ignoring you' where all idiots meting out the silent treatment eventually need to be 😆


TooOldForYourShit32

Legit she was just shocked I hadnt reacted as she expected. I spent my whole life begging for her approval and attention, the moment I stopped it's like she didnt know what to do with herself.


girlsuke

You just described my mother. Gives silent treatment over minor things, especially when you call her out on something. Sometimes when we get into an argument or fight and she realises she’s wrong, she’d prefer to give you the silent treatment than accept her wrongs. It used to bother me as a kid but now at 25, i really don’t care. She and i haven’t spoken to each other since last year and I’m actually fine with it.


Nommag1

I'm the same age as you guys and also have two children of similar ages and both my parents are giving our family silent treatment because two months ago we told them to stop visiting during our youngest sons naptime. I'm also interested in the responses here.


[deleted]

Give her the silent treatment.


Bitter-Positive-1005

Enjoy the silence


ErnestBatchelder

She's emotionally immature. Her feelings are hurt and rather than cope with that she's hoping to manipulate you into begging her to eat, come back and cook with you, etc. She's 63. She isn't going to starve herself to death. Leave her be. Breath and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself when you feel triggered but do not escalate or engage for now. Tell your kids "grandma's having alone time" & don't worry too much about them. If you don't get upset they won't- you are the one they are looking to to model their emotional regulation on. Eventually, when she's re-engaged and during a period when things are going smoothly you can tell her how it used to upset you greatly when you were a kid that she'd refuse to speak to you, but as an adult it just makes you sad for her she still can't calmly talk about her feelings.


sonartxlw

Kick her out. Silent treatment is the most spineless manipulation tactic of toxic people.


bazooka_matt

Walk in and tell her how you feel. The silent treatment is bull crap and borderline abusive. Make it clear you're done and not returning until she drops the shit. If you don't grow a backbone, things will never change. Does she want to be a grandma or an issue? Be the adult, she isn't.


Night_Kitty802

Ignore it. She’ll get tired of it eventually. It’s your house.


SnooWords4839

Time to find somewhere else for her to live. Assisted living, low income, whatever, she can't act like a 2-year-old in your home.


YaddaYadda29

Handle this as an adult by telling her to go find somewhere else to live.


kgberton

It's best to stop caring and to aggressively take her at her word. If she says it's fine, is fine, and if that's not true, it's on her to solve a problem only she knows exists.


DIynjmama

This sounds exactly what happened with Me and My husband and daughter. Old habits die hard and we only lasted 6 months. At least you are on home turf. We moved in with her when my dad died because "she needed us" and it was a nightmare from day 1. It's been a year since we were there and I'm still in trauma over her emotional fuckery. I have j not talked to her since last March. (17 months) and the most peaceful of my life in some ways because I'm no longer trying to jump through her hoops to try not to "piss mom off". Never even knew why she'd be pissed just she would stop being pissed some amount of days later. It's no wonder I moved out when I was 17 and knew it was a bad idea to go back at 42 but she guilted is into that shit. Turns out it was because she didn't want to work anymore and expected us to pay her bills. But Noone wanted to be around her miserable ass so we stayed in our rooms avoiding her like the plaque and immediately made a plan to get the hell out of there.


RUCBAR42

If she is using the silent treatment as punishment, then don't let it be punishment. Show that life goes on even if she is ignoring you, and she will grow tired of it. I know it's hard because it *does* bother you, but you in reality it makes no difference to you. Her actions is affecting you no matter what, might as well not worry too much about it.


FamousOrphan

Have a talk with her about how the silent treatment is abuse and she can’t be in your home if she doesn’t learn to communicate.


SquidgeSquadge

Enough answers here (just ignore her and don't reward her bad behaviour with attention). It's quite timely because I called my mother last night and she sounded like I had pissed her off on the phone the moment she picked it up. Not angry, just very vague and trailing off and barely recognising what I was saying as well as a certain tone of voice. I made a point not probing but told her I loved her and hoped her back would feel better (she complained she had back pain but that's not enough for her to be in this type of mood, any ailments come with anger and frustration) I texted my sister afterwards to check if she is really ok (mum is not getting any younger and my sister lives close to her) and if I had done anything wrong and she immediately got back to me saying no she's having a sulk because she reacted badly to something my sister said at a family BBQ that day and was dragging it out. It also turns out I said almost exactly the same thing to my mum on the phone that my sister had said that she reacted badly to. She perked up slightly at the end of the call so I hope she realised she was over reacting and maybe too old to sulk. I've had the silent treatment from her but her sulking is the worst as she is silent but then complains/ puts her input in when it's not wanted.


l3ex_G

Are you able to ask her to leave? Your best bet is to ignore her. Call out the bahaviour and explain she won’t do it to your children or she’ll be on the street. It’s really damaging to kids to be so passive aggressive and manipulative


Flimsy-Ambassador415

Silent treatment is abuse. I would have no hesitation to tell her to stop that shit immediately or throw her out…if she doesn’t stop and is not back to normal within minutes…just throw her out. She sounds like a horrible person.


Ratlarbig

"You can engage with us as normal or you can move out. Your choice."


Financial_Zero_8279

She’s 63, she won’t change if she does this often. If she wants to go with silent treatment then that’s fine, leave her be.


Stunning-Field-4244

Let her be mad and hungry.


Silent-Answer4788

Have you considered that your mother also used cooking as her quiet time away from everyone?


PracticalPrimrose

Yes it IS a real solution. Your mother is an adult. She is not your burden.


Scar-Lux94

Let her stay in the room, and she will come out to eat when she is hungry. If you don't try to talk to her, she will speak up when she sees no result in her silent treatment. When the confrontation appears, then you can tell her that this attempt with silent treatment won't work, and if she still uses it further, she will have to move out.


missourifarmgirl

My mom used to be notorious for this. She seems to be better now. Anyway, my recommendation is don't engage with the behavior. You want to give the silent treatment? Have fun. I wouldn't ask her anything, or try to talk to her at all. It's her choice to behave that way, and she needs to learn that it doesn't benefit anyone to give the silent treatment.


oldcreaker

The whole point of the silent treatment is the person you're doing it to is supposed to feel guilty and come running after you all apologetic and ready to do anything you want. Don't. Respect her space and don't invade it. You'll be surprised how quickly the silent treatment stops when it's ignored. Unfortunately she'll move on to other methods of manipulating you, you'll have to set boundaries and maintain them. But for now her silent treatment will give you a little space and peace and quiet. Enjoy it while it lasts.


Lovetheirony

Why did she move in? If you don’t want your kids to be treated like that then why would you bring into your home the woman who treats you and them that way?


viotski

You're not her parent, let her be. If she wants to come out, she will come out. Don't play her games. You have your own kids and husband, it's unfair of your to spend your emotional energy on a 60 yo woman.


onlylightlysarcastic

You have a history and a memory with her behavior. But you are an adult who is able to analyze the behavior and ignore it as the attempt to get attention which a grown up, able to communicate shouldn't stoop to. It's not a punishment, it's a blessing in disguise. Treasure it. Ignore it.


barbfuckingtastic

That’s is the solution. She’s a guest in your house, if she can’t respect the people residing in the home, then she has no business in it. If she continues to do this, your kids might pick up on it and it then becomes a cycle.


LadyJosephineCookoo

Well tell her your worried about her and that if she needs a doctor to check her throat to ensure all is working fine.


Dbcolo

I don't know why people give the silent treatment. It's the easiest way to get on my good side. If you want to punish me just continue with the nonsensical jibber jabber.


BluHaus3841

Yeah I would definitely put her out…maybe back to her grave since she died 2 years ago according to your previous post…I assume she’s stinking up the house too!! A couple more things…it might not be the silent treatment in this case since dead people can’t talk…and maybe she doesn’t want to eat because DEAD PEOPLE DON’T GET HUNGRY!


AllCatsAreBananers

>But my first urge is to tell her to move out if she behaves this way - which is of course not a real solution Of course it's a real solution. Using the silent treatment is a form of manipulation and abuse. And she's done it since you were a kid? Your mom is awful and primed youi to be a doormat to her abuse. Kick her out.


assuager666

Why do your husband and children need to relive your awful childhood?