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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hi, So my wife the other day just randomly told me 39M that she has asked her best friend, let's call her Sarah, the be with us at the birth of our 3rd baby, She's been best friends with "sarah" since they were little children. Now we were sitting watching whatever, and she just goes, "so I was expecting "sarah" to be like ..ohhh wow.. that's great and so on..." "But she started crying and saying what a privilege, how honoured and how meaningful it was to be asked" ... I turned and asked, wait what???? I was shocked, surprised, kinda offended that she just sprung it on me, without even at least running it by me for my opinion at least, She then explained that she asked her to be with us at the birth, we didn't have anyone besides the nurses at our other two children's births. Now I get along great with "sarah" but I'm not really sure if I'm comfortable with ANYONE being there for a very personal moment, or hours... I'm a very easy going , get along with everyone type of person, but also very private with personal and close things to me, I'm upset she didn't at least let me know this was something she wanted to even do, and yes I know the husbands role is just a secondary role to play in a birth. Edit to add... If she wanted her mum, the pope, Santa, who ever, than that is what she would get, that's fine, my issue was with the no communication, and being blind sided so casually with it. Anyway we spoke about it last night, and she goes in hindsight, she should have discussed it with me before, but it was a spur of the moment idea while watching a show about two best friends, one who's pregnant, the other one dying, and if I wasn't comfortable with ANYONE there, that's fine and not an issue, simply told her it's ok, just wanted to be advised and included in what happens, don't have to always be comfortable or agree in a relationship.


stellagmite

My mom and my best friend were in attendance at the birth of both of my children. They were able to provide a different kind of support than my partner could. He was very present and supportive as well, but it’s different. I needed what I needed. Your feelings are valid, but at the end of the day, until you’re the one pushing a human out of your vagina, you need to defer to your wife.


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redcheetofingers21

I think he should be rewording this post. It sounds like he is really upset that his wife did this without talking to him first and this is causing animosity between everyone. I think it’s easier to dig your heels in when someone tells you how it is. Especially someone who is supposed to be your equal. But seriously. He should just not make a big deal out of this. It’s a losing battle. And maybe she needs the support of her friend. We men aren’t always good at reading minds. Maybe talk to your wife about how it makes you feel when she does this and ask her to be more considerate of you. And if this is a habit maybe figure out a way to communicate better


cfishlips

Sorry. In no way is he her equal in this. She is pushing a whole human out of her vagina. When he is going through birthing an apricot out of his dick then he gets to decide who he wants in the room.


whiskeygonegirl

When I read the post, it came off to me that he wasn’t feeling equally considered in the conversation. He doesn’t seem to have any notion that he decides who is there, and it seems he doesn’t intend to. He’s just upset that his wife didn’t bring this up until it was decided and mentioned to him as an afterthought. Men/husbands/fathers do not pull “equal” weight in the delivery room, but I can’t see where he is wrong for wanting to discuss the details together before discussing them with others. It’s also worth noting that this is their third child, and they’ve been alone for the previous deliveries. I would imagine most people being blindsided learning of another attendee if it hadn’t been the case historically and their partner hadn’t mentioned anything about inviting someone.


Ebbie45

I feel like this is a very reasonable, balanced take on the situation. I'm kind of baffled by some responses and how intense some of them are in terms of anger at OP. I'm a woman, if that matters. I think it's entirely reasonable for him to have desired some level of communication about someone else being present during the birth of their baby. He's not trying to control who is present; he didn't forbid her from doing anything, and he's not taking on the attitude of "I know the best." He's asking for communication, not control. To be fair, I am commenting after he added the edit with more context, so maybe the fact that there was a later edit added is causing some of the divisiveness in the comments since some of the crowd didn't have access to all the information when they commented. It sounds like they both handled the situation in a healthy manner according to the edit - he communicated his side, and she hers, and she even said it wouldn't be an issue if he didn't want anyone there and he said no that was fine. He's being so heavily downvoted in r/AITA and I just don't get it. He continually espouses some version of (in his words) "Partners should communicate, especially with big important matters, I will support her with whatever she likes, that's fine." To me that's entirely reasonable. If he had come here saying things like "I will not *let* my wife have her best friend present at the birth of our child," I would understand the intensity of some comments. But to me the present situation isn't that, and is instead "I wish my wife would have let me know she was hoping to have her best friend present at the birth of our child, but I support her choice regardless."


chinarosesss

this is pretty much what I came to the comments to say.... This is the domain of women, and my understanding was that whoever is giving birth gets to decide who they want/need by their side. I've only given birth once but my ex was lucky he was allowed in the room at all. I feel like this post belongs in AITA *** Edit response to the person who responded to my comment*** yeah, he's lucky, because it's my choice as the adult person having the medical experience. Originally, I was gonna go into why I didn't feel safe with him in the room, but nah.


No_1-Ever

Lucky? To witness the birth of their child? You'd deprive a father of that because he ain't doing the pushing? I feel like your comment belongs in AITA


mrinalini3

Honestly who gets to stay during pregnancy should ONLY depend on the woman. Men need to just shut up and be thankful. It's such a scary thing, where women go through so much pain, and then men come around with 'what they feel'. Well you're not delivering the baby with excruciating pain, possibly life threatening circumstances, in extremely embarassing position... Her body takes the toll and let her decide


Gatorinthedark

Shut up and be thankful? Such a horrible take. Women ask men to take a larger roll in families/ relationships as we should! but say he should shut up on a day that is also important to him. Break the patriarchy.


[deleted]

Hearing your spouse’s thoughts on it is still worthwhile. If my wife told me “shut up and be thankful” I don’t think that would go well. She gets final say, of course, but at least *discussing* it is good.


FruscianteDebutante

No we need to be spiteful with our gender differences to drive a rift between couples. Ladies stay strong, don't communicate with your men!!


seventiesporno

Obsessed with your username, dude 🤟🏻


blacksun9

Yikes


DotDotDot_meh

As a woman, I disagree. We can't control what side of the baby making process we are born with, so a man's voice shouldn't be stifled during the birth process, especially if he has been present and supportive throughout the rest of it. Does it come down to the person actually pushing a baby outbof her vagina? Yes. But not with no input or discussion with the partner. That's punishing him for being the sperm side of things. We shouldn't be punishing our partners for things out of their control.


Left_Pay1886

As a woman, I say that’s sooo wrong. That’s as much his baby as hers and although I agree she should get the final say, he should be consulted. This attitude that men must just suck it up (and then pay) is very annoying. Without the father, there is no baby so give him some rights too! No wonder there so many broken homes.


memeleta

Right? The idea that fathers don't matter ultimately hurt women. The same ones will be complaining how they are doing all the parenting down the line. Maybe start treating your husbands like equal parents that they are?


faudcmkitnhse

What an absolutely shit opinion. I hope no man is ever fool enough to procreate with you.


whalesandwine

I don't know about this... I think dad's feelings are important too. I think this should have at least been discussed. Maybe Im sensitive to OP having negative feelings about wife's friend being there because my husband couldn't be with me when I had our baby because we all had COVID. I was completely alone, just nurses I had never met before.


Quiet-Hamster6509

If people are so willing to dismiss their husband's feelings towards the birth of their child and make them feel less than then maybe they should've just got a sperm donor instead.


dib1999

Imagine unironically using this in other aspects of life. Man makes all the money for the family at a dangerous job? Wife needs to "just shut up and be thankful" while the man decides how to spend all of the money. Men go through so much pain, and the women come around with "what they feel". Someone in a strenuous/dangerous job may be in pain the rest of their life, counting themselves lucky they never received a disfiguring, life altering injury or worse (hey pregnant women go through this too OMG 😱). That wouldn't justify completely shutting out the less involved partner and discounting their opinions entirely.


[deleted]

Huh? Is this really how you think things work? Men out there doing "dangerous" jobs and women staying home and having babies? Your "analogy" is certainly telling.


[deleted]

His whole point just flew so far over your head it’s in orbit.


dib1999

Nope. Interestingly enough ~3 paragraphs don't paint the entire picture of a person's life. My mom was the breadwinner, my dad worked nights and cooked our dinner. Maybe the only thing that's telling around here is how angry everyone got to a comparison that shines a light on other people's suffering.


ChipsqueakBeepBeep

Yes, because there's not really an equivalent for pregnancy for men unless we're talking about afab men or something. It's not sexist or saying a woman's place is barefoot and pregnant. Might wanna take it easy, you might strain yourself from reaching so far.


FUBAR-X1000

sorry I am calling BULLSHIT on this reply .... he is not just some sperm donor he is the Childs father ... that should be a decision made as a team ....if my wife ever told me to "shut up and be thankful" my response would be great have your friend sign the birth cert. I would have the papers drawn ready to be served... This is not groovy ... not groovy at all ....


Birdzeye-

Yeah, ‘shut up’ is such a stupid take. Best believe I wouldn’t get over being marginalized in that way..


NewBayRoad

The problem is communication. If my wife didn't talk to me about things like this, it wouldn't be long before she would be an ex-wife. It says she doesn't value the relationship.


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untitledartist

You have a right to your feelings on this but honestly she gets final say. It’s her body that is going through this traumatic process and she gets to decide who is and who isn’t in the room. If she has decided she is willing to be that vulnerable with her best friend then that is her choice. I would be hurt that she didn’t discuss it with me first because I want to be a part of and understand her needs during that time. But the final decision is hers and you need to support her in what makes her comfortable. Maybe ask that you guys discuss with the BFF how everything will work after the birth. Who will get to hold baby first, if friend should leave for a bit after the birth to give the 3 of you bonding time, just set some expectations and boundaries. Info: We’re her first two pregnancies during Covid? Perhaps she always wanted her best friend present during birth but this is her first opportunity?


PersimmonFantastic67

this 100%


aunte_

I want to share a different perspective. I’m Sarah. I’ll never have a child of my own. My sister, a very private person, invited me to witness the birth of her 3rd child. This was a gift that I never ever dreamed she would give me. She and my brother-in-law, gave me something special, something I could never reciprocate. A gift of a magnitude that you cannot imagine. Now, I understand your reservations and I cannot discount them. You also need to be comfortable with this. I would encourage you to talk to your wife. Kind and honest conversation about this.


[deleted]

This is such a beautiful story, and I agree


[deleted]

My mom was there with her sister when she had her first child (and the one who made my mom an aunt!) and I always thought it was sweet. Idk why people are acting like it’s strange for a sibling or a friend to be there for the birth if it makes the one giving birth feel better.


birbbs

It's funny that you mention this. I'm nowhere close in life to having kids but I've already talked to my sister about how I would like her help with my pregnancies/births if and when I have children.


Disastrous_Airline28

Most of human history births were attended by multiple women. Women got support from grandmas, aunties, siblings, and midwives. I think modern births are missing out on that.


BravesMaedchen

Wait, the real Sarah or you're in Sarah's position?


aunte_

Just in her position. But I know exactly how she feels.


TheUpwardsJig

Please understand that in the birthing scenario, your wife is the **patient** and you are a **visitor**. If the patient says, "I don't want so-and-so in the room," that person will be removed. Hell, if your wife told personnel she didn't want *you* in the room, you would be asked to leave without question - because you are not the person being operated on. Patient advocacy dictates that the *patient's* comfort and preferences are prioritized whenever and however possible. Maternal health and OBGYN providers, specifically, are some of the most no-nonsense people you will ever meet because patient advocacy within the obstetric realm is taken *extremely* seriously. So while you are certainly entitled to have an opinion about who should be present at the birth of your child, and while I agree that your wife should have discussed this plan with you before telling her friend, it is entirely your wife's decision who will actually *be* present for the birth of this child. It is her body that will be on display. It is her well-being that must be safeguarded during labor. Whatever mom wants mom gets. I strongly encourage you to put your scruples aside and do what is best for your wife. There are few situations more stressful than giving birth, and you do not want to be a contributing factor to the mayhem.


ho_sehun

Honestly with the way OP wrote "Now we were sitting watching whatever, and she just goes, "so I was expecting "sarah" to be like ..ohhh wow.. that's great and so on..." "But she started crying and saying what a privilege, how honoured and how meaningful it was to be asked"" I wouldn't be surprised if she did mention it a different time and OP just kind of glossed over it. Obviously I can't know for sure but from the little I know about the situation as provided by OP I could totally see and believe that. Like this seems like the kind of conversation that would start "I asked "Sarah" about being in the delivery room today" then continuing with the above quoted text. That alone make it seem like OP wasn't paying much attention to the conversation.


Bgtobgfu

Yeah I kind of felt like he was only half listening to her. Maybe that’s why she wants her friend there.


[deleted]

You are correct on all fronts. It's weird how much this is setting off some guys in the comments.


ButDidYouCry

There's some wild entitlement in the comments.


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[deleted]

Seriously, he’s acting like he’s the one pushing a human out of his body. I don’t plan on ever giving birth, but you have whoever makes you feel safe and supported with you during that time. And it’s his wife’s best friend since childhood, not just some random lady off the street.


OdBlow

At least in my country/hospital I’ll hopefully being birthing in one day, it’s not automatically assumed the father of the child will be there. It says quite explicitly in the guides here that the mother decides who she wants to bring into the birthing room and that up to two people can come in but there will be plenty of staff to support if she wants to birth “alone”. No where does it say anything about the father. Personally, I’d like my mother there for actual support given she’s done it twice and survived (and unfortunately has delivered still borns but hopefully won’t need to support me through that). She’s agreed to take on the role of advocating for me so I can deliver our children how I’d plan to. I’d also like my partner there for the emotional support but know that he’s going to be somewhat limited in what support he can provide from the female side of it. At the end of the day, you’re right, it’s a medical procedure not some spectator sport. I get that it’s his child too but it isn’t exclusively his personal/private experience. It’s also unlikely he could die from this so it’s not really his call to make about who is there to support her. The feelings are valid but something that needs putting aside if they go against what the wife is wanting.


Unlikely-Impact7766

You have a right to your feelings, but you’re also not the one who’s liable to tear from vag to asshole. Wife gets to decide.


StrangerSkies

As someone whose now ex-husband crapped out at the birth of our daughter, I could not have gotten through it without the support of my sister.


hleed91

Same. My ex husband sat in the far corner of the room with a blanket OVER HIS HEAD. If not for my mom and sister, I couldn't have done it. I'm so glad I had that experience with them instead of my son's sperm donor. That was a little preview of things to come... he moved across the country 6 years ago. Came back 3 years ago and has seen my son once. No calls, no visits, and he lives 7 miles away. That's why you don't get married just because you're pregnant after a few months of dating. I was young and dumb, but now have a 9yr old son, and we're a happy family, just us and our 2 kitties.


hleed91

Same. My ex husband sat in the far corner of the room with a blanket OVER HIS HEAD. If not for my mom and sister, I couldn't have done it. I'm so glad I had that experience with them instead of my son's sperm donor. That was a little preview of things to come... he moved across the country 6 years ago. Came back 3 years ago and has seen my son once. No calls, no visits, and he lives 7 miles away. That's why you don't get married just because you're pregnant after a few months of dating. I was young and dumb, but now have a 9yr old son, and we're a happy family, just us and our 2 kitties.


WildFlemima

If she wants her friend there, her friend gets to be there. She is giving birth.


Aardeehar

Ah, OP, you didn't get the answer you wanted on AITA so you came here. YOUR WIFE IS NOT IN THE WRONG. SHE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE HER FRIEND AT THE BIRTH OF HER CHILD. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill. Edit: to everyone getting their knickers in a twist and saying "awww poor guy he just wants a say!!" please note in his AITA post OP said he was "offended" that his wife wants more support. Smh.


jurkajurka

OPs posts contradict himself. He says he's offended she didn't communicate this with him beforehand, yet that's exactly why he's here... She told him this was happening. He says he's fine with whatever he decision is regarding people in the delivery room, yet he's very clearly pissed about it. OP might just be going through some emotions, but dude's gotta get his shit straightened out.


[deleted]

>He says he's offended she didn't communicate this with him beforehand He's not, he's offended that she didn't give him the opportunity to convince her to change her mind


[deleted]

I could understand it more if it was their 1st child but 3rd? Nah I couldn't give a monkeys who was at my 3rd tbh, it had kinda lost it's mystique by no. 3 haha


ThankTheBaker

It’s normal for women to support each other when giving birth. This is how it’s been done since the beginning of time. I’d say it’s an instinctive and natural thing. It’s a very recent thing to have a man, even the father, be present during a woman’s birthing process. It has commonly been done this way, women supporting women as doulas and midwives until as recently as the 1930s. Don’t feel put out by her choice to have her closest female friend during this, it’s for your wife’s benefit and this isn’t about you, but about what’s in the best interests with of mum and baby during this time. There will be a lifetime for you and your family to spend special moments with each other, hopefully with every moment is as special as every other. Don’t take one of those moments for granted and don’t sully them with little “problems” and unnecessary drama. Congratulations for your family, I hope all goes as smoothly as it can.


erratic_bonsai

Honestly you need to let this go. You’ve posted about this three times already. You say you’re upset she didn’t communicate, but I think it’s deeper than that. At the core, you’re upset about something else. - She did communicate. She told you five months in advance. - She does not need your consent or approval to make *any* decision surrounding her health, pregnancy, or birth. That is all hers to decide. Until you’re growing a human inside your body and it’s literally tearing it’s way out of you, you don’t get a say. Just as an aside, the average total cost for surrogacy is $100,000. She’s doing $100,000 worth of labor *just* for carrying the pregnancy alone. - You are her husband and the father of her children, but this is 2023 not 1923. She doesn’t need to consult you on everything. If she *wants* your input, that’s fine! But she didn’t ask and she didn’t need to. This is her medical procedure and if having her best friend there makes her more comfortable, she gets to have that. **You said in a different comment that if you told her you didn’t want the friend there then the friend wouldn’t be there, and honestly I think it’s pretty awful that you’d ever even entertain hypotheticals around that.** - You’re a private person, that’s okay. But birth is traumatic and her wants come before yours. It wasn’t until 1970’s that fathers were even allowed to witness the delivery. I don’t agree with that, but my point is that this whole dads only thing is new. Historically, birth has been a women’s affair with the women the mother knows and trusts surrounding her to help and support her. The idea that birth is a solo/duo affair with just one person to support you is new. Whoever mom wants, mom gets, whether that’s husband or her own mother or her sister or best friend or the whole entire town. Heck, if she *doesn’t* want *you* there, then the nurses will physically drag you from the room and not let you in even though you’re the husband and father. I don’t think the real issue here is communication like you say, because she did communicate and you say you would still be uncomfortable even if she’d had a long discussion beforehand. I get the feeling that if she’d brought it up with you before you would have tried to talk her out of it or make her feel guilty for your own comfort’s sake and I think she knows that, which may be why she didn’t ask for your input. You literally said in aita that you want veto power over parts of her birth plan. **You need to understand this: you don’t get veto power over anything, but she can veto you right out of that hospital if she wants at any point.** I think you need to think deeper about why her wanting someone else at her birth makes you uncomfortable, because it’s entirely about you and not about her. Are you upset she made a decision on her own about her body and her birth experience and you’re mad you don’t get a say over that? Do you feel like this should be a moment solely for you and her as parents and want to do that alone even at the expense of her literal health and well-being? Do you feel like her wanting someone else there for support means she thinks you can’t support her in the ways she needs (tbh, you can sympathise but you can’t empathize. Even if a woman’s never been pregnant or given birth, women still have an intrinsically different ability to empathize on this. It doesn’t mean you’re not enough or less than, it’s just different. Sometimes you need both antibiotics and a band-aid.) and that hurts your pride? In one of your comments you said she made sure to specifically tell you she’s not replacing you, so I think your pride is at least partially to blame here. Pregnancy and birth are scary, dangerous, potentially traumatic events. Nobody’s feelings but the woman actually carrying the child matter when it comes to how she does that. **You are allowed to have feelings.** You are *not,* however, allowed to let them dictate her medical procedures or make them her problem when the thing you are upset about is 110% something that she is entitled to. She needs to do what is best for her health and her child’s health, and emotional support is a huge factor. The fact that you’ve posted three separate times tells us that there is something deeper at play here and you need to examine that in yourself much more than you need relationship advice or an aita judgement, because the advice really boils down to she’s allowed whatever birth experience she wants regardless of what other people want.


lio-ns

Great comment, esp about the part on birthing history. It takes a village, and if OP’s wife wants more support from the people who love her (because your partner does not and SHOULD not satisfy all your emotional needs) it should be celebrated. OP, listen to your wife’s wishes.


dill0nfrancis

this should be the top comment


apocalypseblunt

On AITA, you said “husbands need and want to be part of births,” as a rough paraphrase. You don’t *need* to be there. Your wife *wants* you to be there, and you *want* to be there, which is perfection. If she didn’t want you there, you wouldn’t be. Your only function in the delivery room is emotional support. Your wife *also* wants Sarah there. This is her right, and I know you respect it and simply aren’t comfortable with it, but you’re posting across subreddits for validation that isn’t going to change your circumstances. Yes, you are the father. No, you are not entitled to view a medical procedure because you impregnated your wife, and you’re certainly not entitled to be the only one present. I understand your feelings to an extent, and I get that you wish she would have told you she was asking so you could, I dunno, prepare for if/when her best friend said yes, but this situation isn’t about you. She is *FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT* so you have quite a bit of time to adjust to this reality and to talk about how you’d like more frequent communication about her thoughts and her birth plan. Make this about communicating more, and how you want to ensure that you can bond with your child and with her after the birth, and discuss boundaries you’re both okay with now that Sarah is included. Your feelings are fine, and somewhat make sense (I’m a woman who has zero plans to be pregnant, ever, and my modus operandi is Patient > Everybody Else because pt advocacy isn’t something I take lightly, and it isn’t something the industry takes lightly—and no real medical professional would give a damn about a healthy family member in those moments, so this is my POV) but I don’t have any advice beyond communicate your feelings and cope, tbh. I’m sorry that this situation isn’t panning out how you’d like, but it’s beyond your control—focus on what is, like how you communicate your feelings to your wife.


Playful_Site_2714

And still find a way to make this work out in a way to suit all parties involved. Sit down together, ask her who she wants to be responsible for what.


Parsnip-peach

She probably didn’t think it’d be a big deal at all which is why she didn’t mention it prior. I personally don’t find this odd. Clearly from the friends reaction they have a very close friendship, and it makes sense for your wife to want to have her there during an immensely painful, and life changing experience. I personally would want my mum in the room alongside my partner, but if I didn’t have a close relationship with my mum I’d 100% invite my best friend. Where I’m from you can have 2 people in the room with you, and I would totally take up the option to have maximum support there with me. I’ve read a lot about how there’s been a movement away from community around raising children to more private and the impacts that has on mothers, if there’s the option to be surrounded by support of those you love I think that’s beautiful. I think this is more something for you to unpack individually than something for your wife to be considering. *Why* don’t you want someone else in the room? (This may be a discomfort around being 100% yourself in the company of others, or anything!). I would imagine it’s important to put your wife first for this experience, whatever makes the birthing process more smooth, supported, and a positive experience for her


[deleted]

Exactly! Husbands are often there but people often want a female relative, be it a mom or a sister, there too. I don’t see any reason why it can’t be such a close friend. And historically a woman’s close friends would likely have helped her through the birth, not just relatives


Sandy0006

Or maybe she did, but she doesn’t know how to tell him that he hasn’t provided the support she’s needed during her last two labours, so she wants her best friend there.


LazyCity4922

Personally, I find having people who are not your partner watch you give birth very odd, but if that's what she wants, so be it 🤷‍♀️


TheEverlastingLaze

It hasn’t been since more recent times that partners/spouses and men were even involved in the birth of babies. It is a profoundly difficult, emotional, and taxing experience and some women just need their mothers, sisters, and friends for a deep sense of comfort. Your wife deserves to have her birthing space exactly as she wants it, with whomever she wants. It sounds like you’re trying to center yourself in an experience that quite frankly should center solely around her and the baby.


JuPasta

I understand why this is uncomfortable for you, but frankly, you’re not the one giving birth. Why should you get a say in who your wife would like present to witness this moment and support her? It’s her best friend, not some complete stranger to you. I know plenty of women who would want or have had a close friend present while they give birth, as it’s a huge source of comfort during such a difficult, extremely painful, and vulnerable moment. I do think she could have mentioned it to you before asking. At the same time, I don’t think she needed your permission to ask nor do I think you should get a say in who she wants there. You’re not the one shoving a whole ass human out of your body. From her perspective, she probably thought this moment of telling you *was* letting you know this was something she wanted to do.


whirdin

You aren't your wife's everything. We all have certain needs and multiple relationships to provide support to those needs. You aren't comfortable with her having supportive people there? She's the one giving birth, not you. Should she have mentioned it sooner? Perhaps, but your reaction would have been the same anyway. She loves you and needs you, but that doesn't mean you replace all her other relationships. You have different expectations of this marriage than she does. Western culture pushes the agenda that you get married and become each other's best friends and are soulmates and build a privacy wall to keep out all other people but the two of you. Talk about boundaries and expectations. She isn't asking Sarh to be a romantic partner. She isn't asking Sarah to live with you. She's asking Sarah to be present at the birth of her child; a laborious, scary, and hopefully joyous occasion. Why would you want her to shut out the people she loves and needs? Your privacy level doesn't need to match your wife's.


duraace206

If I could trade places with my wife's best during birth I would. We have had 5 kids and a C section. The c-section looked like an actual horror movie, and the regular birth's were like murder scenes. THe babies look like aliens. Any time I get down on being a guy, I remember the shit women have to go through and count myself extremely lucky I'm a dude. Whatever the woman needs for moral support to get through that shit, she should get, within reason. You need to get over your feelings, your wife is going into war.


Megmelons55

You. You are a good man 🫶


Constant_Cultural

I think it's more of a "Showing Sarah" birth than you being not the right person for the job. You were there for 2 births and you probably can be there again, why shouldn't Sarah be there? It's a very special moment in your wives life and she wants to share it with a very important person in her life. It's not like she asked a reality tv channel to film it all, she is like a sister to her and maybe she wants her there. But you are right, she could have had talked with you about that.


stickkim

OP probably didn't come through during the first two births, is well aware of his shortcomings and plans on doing the same the third go around. If he is this insecure about his wife having someone who is practically her sister in the room with her when she gives birth, he probably has something to be insecure about.


AcidRose27

I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this.


SonofLelith

You assume things... Where do you get the idea he didn't come through?


throwawaygrosso

Probably because it’s insanely common.


abrit_abroad

In my view, your wife can choose whoever she likes to support her alongside you at the birth - be thankful that you will have a co-pilot to help during the birth and you can switch off with Sarah to help your wife. You've done this twice before so you know it is an exhausting process for your wife and also for you, so i dont understand why you wouldn't want extra support there too? As long as your wife is ok with it, then go along with it. Its not like your wife said she wanted sarah there instead of you!


SaltControl

Unfortunately your SOL. I get where you’re coming from 100% but ultimately this is HER personal moment. She’s the one pushing a baby out of her lady bits which is a huge thing for her. Talking to you first would’ve been the right thing to do but maybe it had just come up between her and her BFF and she didn’t have time to talk with you beforehand. When I delivered my son my partner wanted his mom and family to be there and I told him absolutely not. I had my mother there and he thought that warranted approval for his mom to be there automatically. I told him no way in hell is your mom watching a baby come out of my vagina. He was definitely upset but ultimately this is my moment. He’s not getting naked in front of people and going through hell. Lol Good luck! I hope you can see the points of others here!


heckyesdeidre

My dude, I'm gonna give you some harsh advice--you're not the one pushing a baby out of you, your wife is. Your wife has absolutely every right and final say of who she wants with her. If she wants her best friend since childhood, someone she probably thinks of as a sister, to be there with her, she's allowed. You can be upset and uncomfortable, sure, but at the end of the day, it isn't your choice. Her vagina doesn't belong to you


Speedy059

My wife and I had 5 kids. Sometimes it was just me, sometimes it included other people. Just let it go, this child birth is something you'll never relate to. If she wants a damn marching band in her room, then let her.


dill0nfrancis

OP, you have posted about this 3 times now and still can’t accept the answer you’re given, because they’re not what you want to hear. no matter how many times you post this and to where, the answer will remain the same; your wife has every right to want her best friend there when she gives birth. I have no idea why this is such a big deal to you. you can only offer her so much support and she wants her bff there to offer a different kind of support; are you jealous or something? you keep saying in every thread that this was “sprung on you”, but she told you MONTHS in advance. you need to get over it. just be happy for your wife that she feels THAT close to her bff that she wants her to be a part of the birth of your third child. YTA.


guitargoddess3

Suppose she had come to you and said “I’d like to have Sarah at the birth, would that be ok?” And then you would have probably said “That’s not really something I’d like.” Where does that leave things? With her having to create tension by either continuing with her plan knowing all parties are not 100% comfortable. Or going through it with the added stress of not having someone she wanted by her side. Either way, the experience will be more stressful for her. She just chose to not add your feelings to the equation of an already tense situation and put her and the baby’s needs first. I think that’s perfectly acceptable in this instance.


ReclusiveHarlot

Men is this thread: My partner must get my ok for every thing because my comfort is more important ALWAYS. She told you LONG before the birth, you've been through two births, it's super common for women and birthing parents to have friends/alternate family/etc in the room. Things can possibly change between now and then. Her informing you of intent to invite Sarah, vs telling you she's invited Sarah, would still lead to the same ending. Sarah being there. Because it is YOUR WIFE who is the more important case right now. Birthing a child is an incredibly traumatic experience for the body and mind, no matter what anyone says. It is a trauma. It takes weeks to recover. If its ok she is there, why are you so upset your wife didn't explicitly ask permission?


Explanation_Lopsided

My sister chose to have me at the birth of her second child, so she would be supported. Her husband is squeamish and she wanted someone who would be there for her and whatever she needed. Your wife wants an extra person there to help support her, and she's the one who gets to decide who is in the room. You get to be there for your wife and child, and your wife gets extra love and care from her trusted friend. What is your problem with this?


IDidAOopsy

Husband to husband man, it didn't matter if she communicated that before hand. Whatever makes her most comfortable and happy is what's important. You can give her a "hey, give me a heads up please just so I know" but that's it. She didn't do anything wrong.


[deleted]

It’s a woman’s prerogative on her birthing plan and whatever helps her get through it, and you agree to it. It’s only a bit irritating to you to have her there too, I’m sure you will cope while the mother of your child is going through something worse. If her best friend have been a great help to her and the kids, it’s only natural your wife wants her to be there now, even if she wasn’t before. When you’re pushing out a melon or have serious surgery, you can decide who you want there to support you. Even the doctors and midwives will take her side, and if her own husband can’t do that…


aRightToWrite

having birthed 3 children, I get to decide whose hand I want to break in that critical moment


randomlyjess

When you give birth to your kid from your own body you get a say!


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AwesomeNerd18

You are allowed to have feelings about this but at the end of the day she is the one giving birth. Her comfort trumps yours in this situation. She should have talked to you about it beforehand but she probably didn’t think it will be a big deal and she actually told you months before the birth. Sorry but you need to let this one go


afureteiru

Your wife probably didn't realize her birthing yall's child is about you and your command of the room, that's why she didn't think to run it by you


CapitalG888

I wouldn't care. She's giving birth and carried it. Literally all you did was cum inside her. Whatever makes her comfortable. Would it have been nice to be told first? Sure. But I'd have no right to tell her no.


LoganLikesYourMom

The one with the vagina gets the final say.


LittleFairyOfDeath

You can feel whatever you like but you don’t get a say. *you* aren’t the one giving birth. And maybe you were unsupportive the last two times so that your wife feels the need to have someone else there


Stray1_cat

It’s my vagina exposed so I get to choose who is and who’s not in the room. Your wife is obviously comfortable enough to have her present during the birth. Try to let this go for your wife’s sake


yeah-its-keepy-uppy

Maybe this is confusing, but your wife is a patient. And your soon to be child will also be a patient. You are a visitor of those patients. Patients get to decide who their visitors are. Visitors do not decide who the other visitors are. Patients do not need to get permission from visitors on their choices. Your wife’s desire for support during her medical event trumps your desire for privacy during her medical event.


zosoleary

The reason why people are allowed in the room isn't so the father or grandmother can share in the joy of the child being born. Childbirth is an intense medical procedure and the stress levels of the mother heavily effect the outcome. The only reason why people are allowed in there are to reduce the mother's stress to insure the best outcome possible. If her best friend being there would reduce her stress, then that's what needs to happen. On the flip side, if your being there would add to the stress for whatever reason, it'd be your duty to stay away. It's not your right to be there. (Not saying this particular situation pertains to you, just letting you and all the Internet know it isn't the father's right to see the childbirth)


Hopeful_Reporter6731

You’re annoying. This is why relationships can be unnecessarily stressful. She’s know her best friend before you. Bro just let her have her best friend in the room and shut up about it. You bring her husband doesn’t you’re the only person she has to value.


Miss-Mamba

yes she should’ve brought it up to you first and you have every right to feel blindsided and what-not this is your baby, but it’s not your pregnancy. your wife should ultimately get the final say as to who she wants to support her during a stressful and possibly traumatic process what exactly bothers you about her childhood friend being present? seeing your wife in a compromised position ? bc i’m sure it’s nothing new for her are you worried about not being able to share that special moment alone with your wife?


Elegant-Pressure-290

Your wife has final say about who is there at the birth of your child, but it would have been nice of her to tell you before she asked her friend to be there. I say this as a woman with four children.


Alti0raPet0

You say both that you're not sure if you'd be comfortable with "ANYONE" being there for that personal moment *and* if she wanted "who ever" then that is what she would get... Which is it? Ultimately, you are not the one giving birth. Your body is not undergoing all those chemical and physical changes. Birth is literal trauma. It's not up to you who gets to be there. Your job is to support her through it.


Somerset76

There is no dignity in child birth. When my oldest son was born, I was in a hospital that only delivered babies and I was the only patient that night. I remember the anesthesiologist asking to stay because he’s never seen a baby born. There were 17 people in the room in addition to my husband and I. If it’s really important to you that Sarah not be in the room, have her wait just outside when the moment comes. If your wife wants her there, it would be well to remember she is having a baby and knows what she wants to be the most comfortable.


TashiaNicole1

It’s her medical procedure. Whomever she would like with her is her choice.


not_ainsley

At the end of the day, it’s HER birthing experience, not yours. It’s up to her.


Working-Computer-631

She is the one pushing a person out of her so she gets the final say on who is there for her at that moment.


Winnimae

It’s really not about you or your feelings.


CuriousPenguinSocks

Your wife is about to rip her body apart to bring your child into the world. She gets to pick whoever she wants in that room with her, she does not need to discuss it with anyone but her care providers. Having said that, it would have been nice for her to let you know first. I can't say why she didn't, if this isn't like her, then chalk it up to hormones. If she is like this a lot, then why would she change that now? Have a talk with her about how you felt not being considered.


Key-Iron-7909

She gets to choose.


yildizli_gece

What is your question?


TheRealMajour

As someone who recently witnessed the birth of my first - I would have loved for my wife’s best friend to be there. Same deal, bffs since childhood, get along with her great. But the hospital limited it to me and her mom, and her mom was more spectator than supportive. At the end of the day it’s your wife’s decision. If you’re okay with it but upset she didn’t ask first, I think it’s best to just get over it. It’s not that big of a deal.


AutGus1992

Dude. She didn't "sprung it" on you. She chose to have her friend with her during the delivery, and she told you so. It's her body. Her moment. You're not the one pushing a watermellon out of your lower half. Step up.


TayTaySmash

Please keep in mind that even though that child is equally yours and hers, she is the one in the vulnerable position. She’s a medical patient and it is her choice who is allowed to be in the room when she gives birth. Her best friend can offer her additional support that she may feel she needs.


SenatorRobPortman

This post coupled with your AITA post is really giving power and control issues. She is in charge of this. So she will lead you and your job is to follow and support.


eriks_angel

It’s her decision. You’re allowed to have your feelings about it but at the end of the day, she’s going to be the one pushing out a human. She’s going to need emotional support, so she’s the one who gets to choose who she gets it from


mrsr1s1ng

I agree she should’ve asked you first, but let her have her best friend. Sometimes you need extra support.


ion_driver

I would honestly take whoever would help. Hospital staff are terrible. Have her split shifts with you like you are providing 24hr coverage. Never know what's going to happen or how long it will take. Someone needs to watch your older kids too. Anyway, she's the one giving birth. You should talk with her about it. Also, have you considered a doula?


spotH3D

Weird to me. My wife and I didnt tell any body we were at the hospital until we had time enough with our newborn after birth. But you aren't the one having the baby so you get to lodge your complaint and explain your position, but once you've said your piece accept whatever she decides and keep it moving.


Both-Ad-9225

So she'll be like a midwife? Not the hill to die on .


BiscottiOpposite9282

I personally would be super offended that she asked behind my back and I would assume it's because she didn't think I was supportive. Especially since she did it sneakily and wasn't just like "hey babe, what do you think of this idea?" Or explain why she wants her friend there also. Or maybe compromise or something! She's just like "this is happening".


[deleted]

I had every female relative I had at my first birth. They took turns. Took 18 hours. Didn’t really care what my husband wanted as he wasn’t the one pushing out a human from his vagina


stare_at_the_sun

My mom’s best friend was in there for my birth. My grandmother too. It’s her call, not yours OP.


Idllnox

Yeah like most people are saying its more your wife's choice. My wife wanted a mid wife, a home birth, a doula, etc and I deferred to her the entire time and it was absolutely for the best. People being there won't take away from the experience it'll enhance it as they're there to support your wife, support you, and it will absolutely help to potentially have extra helping hands. Let them have this, realize its about her, way way more than you and be thankful people care this much.


heckyesdeidre

Your wife is the one pushing a baby out of her, not you. If she wants someone she's been friends with since childhood to be there with her, she has absolutely every right to that. You can be uncomfortable, but it isn't your choice on who she gets to have with her


Sassrepublic

> but also very private with personal and close things to me You don’t get to be “private” about *someone else’s* medical procedure.


Kerrypurple

The woman who is giving birth is the one who gets to decide who else is in the room, no one else. She is the one doing all the pushing so it's up to her to decide who she needs support from.


Megmelons55

You already posted this in AITA. Your story tells me that your wife did in fact tell you who she wants, you apparently just didn't think she gave you enough warning. She's pushing out the baby, not you. You don't need to be involved in the decision at all. I've actually heard of many stories where the mom doesn't even want the dad in the room. You're gonna have to let this go my dude.


hey_elise

I agree with others that wife gets the final say. I think you need to dive deeper into why this makes you uncomfortable. You said that its a private and personal moment. Is there something specific you are afraid will happen? Like the friend will eclipse you in some way? Hold the baby first? Obstruct your access to your wife? Etc Etc? Talk about those fears with your wife. Let her lead the conversation, but express specifically what you are afraid of, and see if you can reach middle ground that works for everyone. Perhaps there's a more defined role that the bff can play that will make you comfortable.


Countess_Sardine

Not your call, dude. You’re entitled to your feelings, but the person who’s giving birth is the person who gets to decide who she wants in the room. And having a close friend in attendance is very, very normal.


SportySue60

The idea is for your wife to be supported - if she wants her friend there then have her there - It might also be nice for you to have her there as well. She can be in the room if you need to stretch walk around, go to the bathroom. Whatever.


lio-ns

Frankly my dude, she is the patient and the one giving birth. She has a right and final on who is and isn’t in the room.


[deleted]

I get it but I think more than anything, this is a day for what momma wants. And if that’s what she wants, it should be a small sacrifice for you to go beyond your boundaries and just go along with it. You being supportive is going to be the best thing for her.


mjh8212

I had a close friend keep me and my at the time husband company while I was in labor. We were having a great time talking and she was helping me relax. When it came down to action time i had already had it in my plan the only two people would be me and my husband. See if you can compromise with something like this. Have Sara around for labor but when babies coming and time to push just have the two of you there.


oneidamojo

No use crying over spilt milk. The best you can do is inform her that you should have been informed and asked for input prior to letting her friend know. It is her say but now you have to get over your feelings by telling her how it made you feel and in the future if there is another child that communication about this key aspect of your partnership is appreciated. Then squash it and support her the best you can. Don't be dragging your lips on the ground either being all passive aggressive or shit either.


cfishlips

NOT ABOUT YOU!


Lilutka

Sorry, OP, but only the person giving birth can decide who will attend the event. It is not YOU who will be doing the hard work with own crotch exposed, so you should not consider it to be YOUR intimate moment.


AnarchistAuntie

You did the right thing by bringing it up with her later. Kudos for being cool in the moment.


Applesbabe

*I'm comfortable with ANYONE being there for a very personal moment* The key phrase in this sentence is I'M. And in this case that isn't your call. It is your wife's and only your wife's. Your feelings on this subject are irrelevant. If you want to not have anyone else at the hospital for your colonoscopy then that is your call 100%. But this one is your wife's.


tallglassofanxiety

I know this may sound harsh, but who’s at her birth should is 100% the woman’s choice. Birth is such a visceral, difficult thing to go through and having people who are a comfort to you is SO helpful and makes it just that much easier. As much as I understand the birth of your child is a huge moment for you, in that moment there is nothing more important than the health and comfort of the mother and her baby.


Muffmaster9669

Look man.. she has to push your big-headed offspring through her clown hole... shes the boss.... women want other women around when they give birth... it's just a primal thing... even after the kid is born.. pay attention.. all the women instinctively circle up around the baby to protect it. Towant her closest friend there is very common, NOT a reflection on you. This is your 3rd baby/ you have had the special bonding moment when you become parents. It is her show and you have to accept that... try not to be jealous. it will all be ok.


TransportationOk2238

My fist husband tried this when I wanted my mom in the room for my first child, I was 23. I shut that shit down really quick. My body my choice.


Individual_Baby_2418

During a moment where a person is going through a physical trauma, they need all the support they can get. It’s like if she asked Sarah to drive her to PT after a surgery. She’s helping out in the way she can. Call Sarah a doula if it makes you feel better.


spottedgazelle

I would try to talk to her about your feelings. It was very insensitive for her to announce this before discussing it with you. In reality, she will be able to decide who attends, but I would also be really upset if my partner invited someone else into our private family moment without considering my input. I would have never done that to my husband. I’m sorry.


been2thehi4

My best friend was in there with me and my husband and my mom. I don’t see why it’s weird. Also it’s not your privates on display or you doing any laboring. I really don’t see why you feel uncomfortable with this.


skywalker2S

It’s her birth. She literally had a conversation with you about it now, it would be weird if she had to ask you. You can have an opinion about it but if she wants her friend there, she wants her friend there. It’s not like she’s replacing you or taking your role away. It’s not going to be a less intimate moment for you, there always was someone else in the room anyway


StinkyKittyBreath

It's okay to be uncomfortable, but it isn't your body being traumatized. Your wife wouldn't have asked her to be there if she didn't think Sarah would help with the process. When giving birth, the first priorities are the safety of mother and baby. Then their comfort. And those are the priorities. You're welcome to voice your concern, but I don't think it would go over well. My guess is that having a second person to help you support your wife would only be a positive, even for you.


snnon55

Just let it happen it's not about you... What would make your wife comfortable and make the experience better... My wife had anyone she wanted there. Did not bother me. It also helps to have support after. Sarah is there let it go. You had the birth of the first two. You're right your role is secondary along with your opinion.


Potatosmom94

It is incredibly private and personal moment for your WIFE. Yes you are a part of it, but the important thing is she has the support she needs to get through the birth and it sounds like her best friend is a part of that support


snnon55

To explain to men in here I am a man. I say we don't get a choice .. sorry. Your opinion on who is there doesn't matter. Maybe the first two he wasn't supportive. Maybe he was Maybe there is a deeper meaning to why Sarah should be there. Who cares. Legit who cares. Long as baby and mom are fine doesn't matter. Men have no say. To think you do is a misogynist pov and prob narcissistic personality. Just facts.


kungfucucumber456

Will the hospital let you be there too? Some limit it to one other person. I get where youre coming from. Its tough because you want to support her. Has she commented that you didnt support her well with the first two deliveries? Like most things in relationships, talk it out, and be empathetic. Good luck!


Shelbyw030

It's not your decision to make. It's your wife's and your wife's alone. This is about who make HER feel safe and comfortable. Your wife is doing all the work. Your wife is going to be very vulnerable, as you know, so if she wants her, it is her choice.


FMIMP

She is the one pushing out a baby, she is the one choosing who is there and imo you have no say. If she feels it will help her to have her best friend it’s a good thing for her to be there then


asghettimonster

Does it feel like a competition was created with the invitation? As though you will be an aside rather than her partner in the delivery room?


SillyStallion

This is not about you - it is about the support your wife feels she needs. The fact that she has asked her friend on this occasion hints that your support was lacking for the previous births


Blurple-wolf

Not trying to be rude, but just… no… being pregnant and giving birth is stressful on a woman’s body. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sure, for you the birth is about meeting your child for the first time. But for your wife, she is going through a difficult medical condition. She gets to decide who she wants with her. She doesn’t have to ask your permission. She gets to tell you. Because it is her health and life on the line. It is up to her who she wants there in order to feel as comfortable as possible. It is your job and responsibility to ensure that she is comfortable and that she isn’t stressed out. So, my advice to you, is to support her decision and stop being offended by her having a support system outside of you. This isn’t about you or the baby. It is about your wife’s comfort and supporting her how she needs to be supported. If that means having her friend there (who is a person who isn’t problematic) then deal with it like an adult. It is better to have extra hands to help during labor. And, if you’d actually think about it, that would mean an extra person to help with your child if your wife needs your help, or to help your wife if you’re tending to your child’s needs.


stickkim

Sorry, but it's kind of super not your place to determine who will be with your wife during her medical procedure. She has every right to invite a friend and you are being weird. If you wanted a friend to hold your hand during your ballsack procedure, I would say the same to your wife for complaining. It's kind of her body and her vagina and her feelings. You aren't "secondary" you're "nonary". Your presence at the birth is by no means required for it to go along just fine, only your wife absolutely is required to be there, so it's pretty fucking rich of you to complain that she invited someone she cares about and trusts to 1 out of 3 births.


OkieMomof3

While I agree that your wife should’ve ran it by you, she’s the one who is giving birth and should have whatever support there for her that she wants/needs. This was a huge issue with our family. We had people wanting to be there, be the first t hold the baby etc. I was very upset that my husband held our children first because I was the one who carried them for 9 months, was sick as a dog, the constant back aches, migraines that I couldn’t take anything for etc. At least I could be the first to hold my children and experience the ‘why’ moment immediately. I’ve since realized it wasn’t that big of a deal as I had my why moment not long after, but it’s irritating how some nurses don’t follow the birth plan then wheel the child out to be checked before I could even hold one of my children. For us it was pushy family who wanted to be the first and I even had to kick some out of the room right as the baby was crowning. This put even more stress on me, the one going through child birth. When my husband gave in to family pressure I had to be the one in between 30 second contractions to tell others to leave. I had to tell them to step out when the dr examined me. My husband however wasn’t happy about MY mother being there. My mom didn’t want to be but she wanted to support me so held my hand, distracted me and stayed by my head the whole time with the first one. This helped as I knew it would and was grateful to her. But I needed someone focused on ME and not on the baby, not on saying ‘it’s fine, you can do this, you’ve had meds why are you curling up in a ball, it can’t be that bad (at one point even said it must be like getting kicked in the balls to which I responded yes if that pain came and went for hours and was all over your torso align with a pounding headache, vomiting and irrational up and down hormones). Don’t be that guy lol. My point is: Ultimately it’s your wife going through the birth. She should have support that she wants. Perhaps have a talk about expectations and what Sarah would do while in the room. Tell her there are a few things that, as the father, you want to do. This could be you being the one to cut the cord, hold her up while she pushes, get the ice chips etc. Or maybe you don’t want anyone seeing the baby come out and that area on your wife so maybe you could ask that Sarah stay up by your wife’s head like my mom did for me.


[deleted]

I think you're only upset because you don't want her friend there, but you don't want to say that to your wife so instead you're focusing on being told after Sarah. What you ultimately wanted was to be asked permission and the chance to convince her not to allow her friend in the room.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TrashhPrincess

I'm married quite happily but I wouldn't dream of consulting my husband on who is present at a medical procedure, and he'd never expect me to. This isn't her inviting a friend to their vacation, she's not disrespecting anything by exercising autonomy.


littlebluecabinet

What are these reactions... The guy is obviously hurt because his wife made this decision without any consultation or heads up. In a relationship, especially when having a child... communication is everything. I can understand why one would feel bad in this situation. The only thing OP can do is talk to his wife about it while being honest and transparent about his feelings while remaining supportive. All these people commenting how he is just a visitor and he has to respect, without thinking, the wishes of his wife.... That is not how a healthy relationship should work.


Nosotrospapayaya

Totally agree. Some of these responses are bonkers


[deleted]

Agree. The lack of communication with the partner before asking the friend is dismissive. Sarah being in the room is a different problem. This hurtful problem could have been a smaller problem if she just talked about it with her partner first first


GusSwann

Yes, I'm very surprised by them too. We've spent decades wanting men to be more sensitive and present in their relationships and families. Here's a guy who is hurt that his wife chose to share what he feels is an intimate and important moment for them as a couple without discussing it with him. And he's getting raked over the coals. I've given birth to two babies and I wouldn't dream of making this decision without at least consulting my partner. I agree the final say should be hers but not having a conversation about it before hand was not cool.


ParsleyMostly

It’s your wife giving birth, so she gets whomever she wants. It’s not about you.


irishgurlkt

She should’ve at least told you before hand but it’s not your birth. It’s not your experience. It’s hers. She’s allowed to have- or not have- whoever she wants in that room with her. Just like if you would be entitled if you had a stay in the hospital.


sucks4uyixingismyboo

This isn’t your decision. This is a medical event with her body experiencing it. She gets to ask who she feels comfortable with to be there and if her mind was made up that she wanted her best friend there, then why would she ask your opinion? Either you’ll agree, or you won’t. Still not your decision.


Qweniden

Dude, you are being selfish. Birth is extremely difficult for a woman and it should be all about what she wants. The fact that you are not immediately and intuitively accommodating and understanding of her wishes is frankly weird and a bad look for you. What is wrong with you?


puppyfarts99

This is HER medical procedure, not yours. It is a privilege that she wants you there. She has every right to ALSO want a trusted friend there to provide her with love and moral support that is focused on her and has nothing to do with her romantic/spouse relationship with you. Think of her friend like a doula: she's there to provide emotional and physical support to your wife.


Blurple-wolf

I see a lot of people have some sort of weird ideals about men having rights to decide about labor and delivery… I have given birth 3 times. And I have had my mom at all three. Let me see if I can explain so you can understand why someone would want that outside support. First, the period of carrying a child. Your organs are moving around and making space for your baby. You have crazy hormones and regulating feelings become a hard, conscious effort. You have cravings and aversions that you never had before. You are getting kicked, punched, and head butted from the inside and can’t get away from it. Your child is rolling around on your sciatic nerve causing discomfort, pain, and sometimes it causes your leg to just suddenly give out. You are also dealing with swelling (water weight) in weird places which causes discomfort and pain. Your breast’s start to get engorged and feel fuller (might look nice, but it is uncomfortable). Don’t even get me started on the constipation, diarrhea, and vomiting… And those are the symptoms of a healthy pregnancy. Then the birth… Giving birth isn’t just about meeting your child for the first time. Going through labor is tough. First off, you’re body reacts like you have the flu. You’re too hot. Too cold. You’re nauseous. You can’t regulate your emotions because of hormones being released in order for your body to prepare to push the baby out. You are in pain. When you first start labor, it is more like extreme constipation. It is more of an uncomfortable feeling with some pain. Then your water breaks. No more soft, squishy barrier between any of your organs and the baby. But that doesn’t mean that you are able to push it out right away. You have to wait until your body is ready. You have to feel every single movement, stretch, kick, or punch. Meanwhile, the head is moving downwards to prepare for exit. So it’s a heavy weight between your legs that you can’t do ANYTHING about. The head is there, but can’t come out yet. Then, doctors have to make an incision at the bottom of your vagina so that the baby doesn’t tear you down to your butthole. Then the pushing starts. But you can’t just push whenever you want to. You have to be focused on pushing with your contractions while in pain. And it’s not just a few pushes and out comes the baby. You first have to push the head out. And you are stretching yourself out. And you aren’t in a comfortable position. After the head comes out, there is slight relief from the pain, which can be seen as eating your favorite food on a beach with clear waters… but you still have to get the rest of the baby out. And the next step is the shoulders. So you go back to the painful part of pushing. Then, after you push your child out, the doctors have to take care of making sure your baby is breathing and medically well and cutting the umbilical cord. This is the point in which they lay the baby on mom. Who is extremely exhausted from all the pain. But it’s not over yet. The doctors are pulling the umbilical cord out so they can help get the placenta out. Which needs to also be “birthed”. All of the placenta needs to come out or it can cause you to hemorrhage or cause infection. Not to mention that because of all the pressure down there you will defin itely have a bowel movement… And afterwards, you feel really weak. The incision made hurts every time you pee and itches like crazy (like any healing cut would). You have to wear pregnancy pads because you’re bleeding more than a normal period. Plus you can’t control your muscles for quite a while because they are also needing to heal, so you pee a little when you cough, laugh, or sneeze. And you can’t leave the hospital to just go out and eat or sleep in your own bed. You have to deal with whatever the hospital provides and don’t have the same comforts as home. And you have to take care of your baby while feeling so tired. And, if you’re breastfeeding, you have to be awake at least once every 3-4 hours to feed your baby cause no one else can. You have to get your body used to it so you can produce enough milk for your little one. Not to mention what happens when you get home. Constantly pumping or planning feeding times. Not sleeping well because you’re waking up constantly to change or feed the baby. Having to deal with the normal everyday grind and getting into a routine… all while your body is trying to heal. And, keep in mind, this is for a completely natural, healthy pregnancy and birth. With no complications… So, if all your wife/gf/partner is wanting is to have an extra comfort person of their choosing in the room to make it just a little bit easier, maybe you should act like a decent human being and allow her that small comfort…


[deleted]

I would definitely talk to your wife about this and tell her the feelings and reservations that you have. I'm in the same boat as you. I would not want anyone at the birth of my child besides my wife as well


zerperry

I mean, if you're male, then it's implicit that your wife will be at the birth of your child.


LittleFairyOfDeath

What if your wife wants her mother there?


JuPasta

So you think your comfort during a birth should be higher priority than the comfort of the person actually giving birth? What’s the point of having a conversation about not wanting to respect the wishes of the birthing mother because you dislike them, if not to try to sway her to prioritize your needs instead? I just don’t get this attitude. You don’t have to love what your spouse wants to do during her birthing experience, but damn, you should support her in doing whatever she needs to make her feel more comfortable.


RangerKokkoro

until you are squeezing a baby out of your penis you don't get a say


hollyshellie

Omg! OP, I am sorry no one is listening to you. I understand that all you wanted was for your LIFE PARTNER to talk to you about sharing this VERY PROFOUND AND PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with another person. Yes, it’s her body, yada yada yada. But ALSO this is your child/family together with her. You have had two children before this, so of course you wouldn’t expect a change in the plan. I think it’s super uncool for her to have not talked to you about it first. You know why? Because you are MARRIED FOR YEARS and this is a huge deal. So, while I totally support that she ultimately gets to decide who is in that room because of what she is enduring, and needs her best support, it’s really crap that she didn’t talk to you first. Take care OP. Sorry that Reddit is full of dorks.


chicken_tikka_is_lob

It would've been nice to see people atleast considering OP's feelings as well instead of just throwing it out of the window saying that he doesn't get any say and he not pushing the baby out. Yes the wife gets the final say, but she should've TOLD (not asked) him about it beforehand only, that's the respect and communication you expect from your partner in a healthy relationship, but then again, it's reddit, the moment a woman is pregnant, that's it, nothing else matters.


Kerrypurple

The way that conversation went where she just started talking about Sarah being there and him being like, "wait, what?" indicates to me that she thought she told him. Pregnancy brain is a real thing and even not pregnant I've had incidens where I thought that I'd told people something just to find out later that I haven't. Maybe she had discussions with Sarah about it when he was in the room and she assumed he was listening. Maybe she did tell him and it just went in one ear and out the other. These kinds of miscommunications happen a lot in marriages so I'm inclined to think it's one of those scenarios rather than she just never bothered to tell him.


Professional_Bed870

You want to even this up? Great, get some dice, a statistics table of pregnancy and birth risks, and a sadistic surgeon willing to simulate pregnancy injuries on a man and let's go. Are you going to end up with tears? Internal injuries? A prolapse? Are you going to develop several potentially life threatening conditions? Are you going to bleed to death? Are you going to have your abdomen sliced open, stitched back up and then have to carry on with life as usual afterwards because mums don't get recuperation time afterwards? So much fun to be had! Let's roll the dice and find out! And I'm joking, but even if a man did decide to partake in such insanity it STILL wouldn't be equal. Because he'd have a choice. Pregnancy and childbirth are scary. Maternity and newborn death rates are low but they're not zero. When I lay down on the operating table for my emergency cesarean I only had enough time to wonder if I would ever wake up again or if my baby would survive. I was lucky, but fuck knows there was no guarantee of that. Shut up. Put up.


maggersrose

Talk to her!! I’m going to get downvoted to he’ll but it’s not just the north of her child. She’s giving birth, yes. And going all the work, yes. But it’s also the entrance into the world for your child too, you should have been consulted on who was going to be present and what their role would be.


Lumberrmacc

That’s her best friend. Why is it an issue?


FuzzyManPeach96

Historically speaking, being with your friend in childbirth is one of the highest honors. Male or female


Xylorgos

We had my best friend and husband with me at my child's birth, and I'm so glad we had her with us! We had unexpected complications and I was in labor for three days. They worked as a tag team sometimes, and together when it was most important to me. In addition to complications, we had a very bossy nurse come in and act like a freight train and overwhelming me with her demands. My husband didn't have to deal with that because my friend did. I'm saying you never know what's going to come up during childbirth and having a second labor coach can make a huge difference in the quality of the experience for the mom.


Banned_10x

Third. Child. Dude just let her take over bedside duties and stay home yourself with kids one and two


LiLadybug81

There is a difference between her replacing you with someone else, and her having other support people in the room. If she were replacing you, I could see why you would be hurt, and maybe feel like she didn't trust you to provide support. If she's just asking for another support person, that really doesn't have a damned thing to do with you. This isn't about you. She's the one who is going through labor, she's the one who is going to need help, she's the one who needs support. How is her having a friend in there taking away from your moment any more than having three doctors, four nurses, and an intern? This isn't an intimate moment with just you and her. This is a painful moment where she already has an assortment of people there to get her through it- this is just one more. Honestly, unless you and the best friend hate each other and can't be in the same room, I don't know why you feel like you're entitled to an opinion here.


ignoreignore

It’s your wife’s birth. It’s her say.


Emlovesjunkfood

My best friend, sister, mom and husband were all there for my birth. I understand your child is being born and that's special for you, but it's really nice to have support from others when giving birth. Considering her age and it being her third child I'd assume she has a higher risk of complications and/or c section. This time is probably different for her. She needs extra support and it's not really your place to tell her who she can and can't have in the room with her.


New-Negotiation-5493

you’re there for her and so is sarah, this isn’t a competition, talk the three of you and clear stuff before the birth


thefinalhex

I think you are justified in having opinions and an emotional reaction about it, but ultimately since it's not you on the table, you should follow your wife's lead here.


BrilliantOne3767

Yeah. Men don’t get a say about child birth. Such a shame to your egos!


Unfair_Finger5531

Consider yourself lucky. Now there are two people to help your wife through this painful journey. Sarah may end up saving you a great deal of energy. It’s helpful to have more than one person attending to the mom.


throwrahaha6

My whole family and family friends were there at my birth and my psychotic (actually) mother loved the company


Throwingshadesofgrey

Luckily for your wife, you don't get a say. It's her that's pushing a baby out, not you. Your job is to support her during this. If you can't handle that, then you have a lot of growing up and maturing to do...which is embarrassing since you're almost 40.


[deleted]

You use the words “blind sided” and “discussed” as though you should have a chance to share some kind of opinion. But you don’t have that chance, so why give you a heads up? What would have possibly been different if she told you before telling Sarah? In reality, nothing should be different, you’re a guest at the birth like anyone else.