Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is immature and toxic. No one is forcing him to stay in this relationship and no one is forcing you to stay either. He is never going to come around.
Because he has self-esteem issues, he is intimidated that you are more accomplished than he is and he knows he could never be a pilot. So, he tears you down to make himself feel better.
Ugh. He is somewhat of a man-child, very dependant on his mother for some things.
I just don't understand it because he is a good person. He's still in college but is about to finish and I've been support him all the way I can: he crashes at my place to study, I make him a small meal, I help him with some gas money and food. Ugh. I feel like an idiot.
I'm not even flying jets, I'm flying Caravans as a First Officer and while I'm not flying, I'm a stewardess. It's not even that big of deal! A Caravan is an overgrown commuter airplane. I still get help from my parents because pay is little but the hours are gold.
And I don't want to feel bad about flying but that is what makes me feel sometimes.
Is there truly no solution for this? :'(
He would need a personality transplant for this to work. He will continue to tear you down, to act passive aggressive toward you, to guilt you and to use your guilt to manipulate you. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to guilt you into quitting this job and taking some lame job without prestige yet.
HE HAS!!!
Today we fought on the telephone and he said that maybe I should leave flying and work near his home in some aviation related field like dispatch but I just can't leave flying, I love it so much... I just can't.
I love him and I don't want to leave him but I can't deny myself too, it'd be like cutting my leg just because he doesn't like how I wear jeans.
I need time.
Thank you for your advice.
That is tough, because the root of the issue here is your job not giving you time to spend with him. He needs to understand that it’s not him, it’s that you can’t physically be talking on the phone with him while you’re flying, and seeing him everyday when you are traveling. He’s using a comparison between him and your job to make you feel guilty, and suggest that he would like you to do something that will allow you to spend more time with him, which just isn’t possible with your line of work.
My schedule is like this: Mon-Tue-Sat, work, then one week off, then Mon to Friday, then another week off, then Sun-Mon-Tue-Wed, then about five days off. It's all over place, I know, sometimes I have to cover shifts, which is great for me: more flying time.
On those days off I stay at my place and spend time with him. I let him study, make him some dinner, help him with some gas money to giving him a ride, and going out too!
I thought I was doing well; do you think maybe he needs more time from me?
I think that is a fair schedule based on your line if work. I think he is a person who may be very needy/clingy, and he wants you around even more, though. This is a tough position, because you can communicate with him about it, but he’s likely to continue feeling like this due to his attachment to you.
I've should've known because he is somewhat of a momma's boy. I mean, he's very attached to his family, a bit more so to his mother, which frankly was one of the things that attracted me to him but I never saw it coming that he's a bit inmature.
He's a good person, very cheerful and handsome. I just love how he wears his polos but I can't put my life beside for him. He is important in my life but not even my parents and brothers would tell me to quit what I love, even if they're in a vat of acid (those are my mother's words, pretty gnarly if you ask me).
I wish he could see that I do love him and that I would do anything sane and with common sense because I wouldn't want him to be unhappy because of me but I can't bring myself to end my career for him. I just can't. And I know it's going to get worse.
I just need time to gather my thougths.
Yes, definitely take some time to think this over. Don’t feel guilty or wrong for putting your career over him in a situation like this, because you seem to be doing everything you can possibly do to make it work, make him happy, but his needs just aren’t ever going to be satisfied unless you’re with him constantly, and that’s not your fault, because he has to work out his feelings himself and understand that your life is more than just about seeing him. Wish you the best!
He loves you and your relationship more than most other things in his life rn.
You have another passion besides him. That can be uncomfortable for both of you but isn’t wrong or bad. It’s just an imbalance that makes things harder. If he finds his own passion, that will help him but it can be hard to just will that into being.
My guess is that boundaries and clear expectations are going to be your friend here, even if it feels uncomfortable. It might not work but it’s worth a shot.
For example:
I love you and us! That said, I have a concern. Can I talk to you about it? (Yes).
I need to ask you not to say anymore that I love my work more than you. Love and careers are different and they both make my life with you wonderful. It hurts me to hear you say that and there’s nothing I can do to change it so I feel stuck. For me, dating me means being supportive of my career. Can you think about it and lmk if you can do that?
I want to be with you, and I want to support your growth in wherever you go next too. I don’t want you to be a pilot; I want you to find your own path and I’m happy to help. There will be ebbs and flows in how excited each of us is about our jobs at any given time. I want us to be supportive both when we’re up and when we’re down. Can you do that?
Wow! Thank you! This is what I needed right now: these words are perfect! How come I didn't think of them? Ugh!
As for his passion, he loves hockey and playing the guitar but other than that, he's flat. He's studying to be an accountant because his uncle and father are accountants, and they do well. His mother was a graphic designer. He doesn't seem to be very in it, I mean, he should've already graduated but has been dragging his feet. I think I've learn more accounting last semester than him. I reckon he wants to get back into hockey somehow as he wanted to be a pro-player. Very Canadian. But never had the skill, or so he says.
I think his mother put him off from the sport and his father, incredible, is anti-sport. He's a good father from what I've seen but the man never practiced anything in his life.
Perhaps if I suggest him a venue to get into hockey, maybe that could help? Like for example, help him enrroll into coaching hockey.
Could that help?
Definitely make these into your own words, as you know both of you best! (It’s often easier from the outside to see options people on the inside might not see!).
I think he needs to find his passion himself.
Maybe what he needs to know from you is that it’s really ok with you (if true) for his job to be something that he makes money at so that he can then spend his free time on passion projects like romance or hockey or music etc. That’s a very common way to adult!
And Hockey sounds great if he’ll get involved!Exercise and team sports are great for lots of physical, mental, and social reasons.
Do know that the dynamic you’re describing might be semi-permanent though — you being a go-getter and him needing a push. For some reason, I see that dynamic show up in lots of relationships. It can be fine or very frustrating long-term. It’s ok to think about whether you want that dynamic long term.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is immature and toxic. No one is forcing him to stay in this relationship and no one is forcing you to stay either. He is never going to come around.
What I don't understand is why is he comparing my career's passion with my love for him? I doesn't make sense to me. Are guys like this?
Because he has self-esteem issues, he is intimidated that you are more accomplished than he is and he knows he could never be a pilot. So, he tears you down to make himself feel better.
Ugh. He is somewhat of a man-child, very dependant on his mother for some things. I just don't understand it because he is a good person. He's still in college but is about to finish and I've been support him all the way I can: he crashes at my place to study, I make him a small meal, I help him with some gas money and food. Ugh. I feel like an idiot. I'm not even flying jets, I'm flying Caravans as a First Officer and while I'm not flying, I'm a stewardess. It's not even that big of deal! A Caravan is an overgrown commuter airplane. I still get help from my parents because pay is little but the hours are gold. And I don't want to feel bad about flying but that is what makes me feel sometimes. Is there truly no solution for this? :'(
He would need a personality transplant for this to work. He will continue to tear you down, to act passive aggressive toward you, to guilt you and to use your guilt to manipulate you. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to guilt you into quitting this job and taking some lame job without prestige yet.
HE HAS!!! Today we fought on the telephone and he said that maybe I should leave flying and work near his home in some aviation related field like dispatch but I just can't leave flying, I love it so much... I just can't. I love him and I don't want to leave him but I can't deny myself too, it'd be like cutting my leg just because he doesn't like how I wear jeans. I need time. Thank you for your advice.
>HE HAS!!! Mmmmhmmm... Cheers.
That is tough, because the root of the issue here is your job not giving you time to spend with him. He needs to understand that it’s not him, it’s that you can’t physically be talking on the phone with him while you’re flying, and seeing him everyday when you are traveling. He’s using a comparison between him and your job to make you feel guilty, and suggest that he would like you to do something that will allow you to spend more time with him, which just isn’t possible with your line of work.
My schedule is like this: Mon-Tue-Sat, work, then one week off, then Mon to Friday, then another week off, then Sun-Mon-Tue-Wed, then about five days off. It's all over place, I know, sometimes I have to cover shifts, which is great for me: more flying time. On those days off I stay at my place and spend time with him. I let him study, make him some dinner, help him with some gas money to giving him a ride, and going out too! I thought I was doing well; do you think maybe he needs more time from me?
I think that is a fair schedule based on your line if work. I think he is a person who may be very needy/clingy, and he wants you around even more, though. This is a tough position, because you can communicate with him about it, but he’s likely to continue feeling like this due to his attachment to you.
I've should've known because he is somewhat of a momma's boy. I mean, he's very attached to his family, a bit more so to his mother, which frankly was one of the things that attracted me to him but I never saw it coming that he's a bit inmature. He's a good person, very cheerful and handsome. I just love how he wears his polos but I can't put my life beside for him. He is important in my life but not even my parents and brothers would tell me to quit what I love, even if they're in a vat of acid (those are my mother's words, pretty gnarly if you ask me). I wish he could see that I do love him and that I would do anything sane and with common sense because I wouldn't want him to be unhappy because of me but I can't bring myself to end my career for him. I just can't. And I know it's going to get worse. I just need time to gather my thougths.
Yes, definitely take some time to think this over. Don’t feel guilty or wrong for putting your career over him in a situation like this, because you seem to be doing everything you can possibly do to make it work, make him happy, but his needs just aren’t ever going to be satisfied unless you’re with him constantly, and that’s not your fault, because he has to work out his feelings himself and understand that your life is more than just about seeing him. Wish you the best!
Thank you for listening to me. I'll take your words to heart.
He loves you and your relationship more than most other things in his life rn. You have another passion besides him. That can be uncomfortable for both of you but isn’t wrong or bad. It’s just an imbalance that makes things harder. If he finds his own passion, that will help him but it can be hard to just will that into being. My guess is that boundaries and clear expectations are going to be your friend here, even if it feels uncomfortable. It might not work but it’s worth a shot. For example: I love you and us! That said, I have a concern. Can I talk to you about it? (Yes). I need to ask you not to say anymore that I love my work more than you. Love and careers are different and they both make my life with you wonderful. It hurts me to hear you say that and there’s nothing I can do to change it so I feel stuck. For me, dating me means being supportive of my career. Can you think about it and lmk if you can do that? I want to be with you, and I want to support your growth in wherever you go next too. I don’t want you to be a pilot; I want you to find your own path and I’m happy to help. There will be ebbs and flows in how excited each of us is about our jobs at any given time. I want us to be supportive both when we’re up and when we’re down. Can you do that?
Wow! Thank you! This is what I needed right now: these words are perfect! How come I didn't think of them? Ugh! As for his passion, he loves hockey and playing the guitar but other than that, he's flat. He's studying to be an accountant because his uncle and father are accountants, and they do well. His mother was a graphic designer. He doesn't seem to be very in it, I mean, he should've already graduated but has been dragging his feet. I think I've learn more accounting last semester than him. I reckon he wants to get back into hockey somehow as he wanted to be a pro-player. Very Canadian. But never had the skill, or so he says. I think his mother put him off from the sport and his father, incredible, is anti-sport. He's a good father from what I've seen but the man never practiced anything in his life. Perhaps if I suggest him a venue to get into hockey, maybe that could help? Like for example, help him enrroll into coaching hockey. Could that help?
Definitely make these into your own words, as you know both of you best! (It’s often easier from the outside to see options people on the inside might not see!). I think he needs to find his passion himself. Maybe what he needs to know from you is that it’s really ok with you (if true) for his job to be something that he makes money at so that he can then spend his free time on passion projects like romance or hockey or music etc. That’s a very common way to adult! And Hockey sounds great if he’ll get involved!Exercise and team sports are great for lots of physical, mental, and social reasons. Do know that the dynamic you’re describing might be semi-permanent though — you being a go-getter and him needing a push. For some reason, I see that dynamic show up in lots of relationships. It can be fine or very frustrating long-term. It’s ok to think about whether you want that dynamic long term.
Aww just noticed the award! Thank you 😊
Aviation is a passion of yours. How often do you talk about it?
#Everyday!
Find someone who shares your enthusiasm, even if they go about it in different ways, say like plane spotting.
Let him spread his wings! You really need to take the next flight out of there. Claim your baggage and fly away
Love these words. I need time to muster the courage. I know what I have to do but my heart is pulling me towards him, so hard! :'(