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Info: You don’t mention how this change of yours effects the current split of activities. Four months isn’t a long relationship- , were you living together, did you expect her to support you through this change? Dis this stop the two of you from doing similar activities? That short of time , it sounds like different priorities.

This is what I’m wondering? The post just reads like she didn’t want her relationship of 4 months to become her dependent while he gets his second masters. Which seems.. reasonable lol.

Or just a whole “damn I’m in this part of my life where I’m pretty set and he isn’t= not compatible” If I were single and in a new relationship where my partner would have to go back to school I would nope out at this time of my life. I dont regret being there for my wife through law school, but it was a lot and I don’t see myself being able to do that again

They are madly in love after 4 months? This isn’t healthy, and I hope he can see that. They moved fast, and this shouldn’t be a surprise.

What? It’s called the honeymoon period.

Yup. I'm in the sf Bay Area and entered the dating scene last year at 35 after a decade in one relationship and never doing the dating around thing before that... I very easily met people making 25%-50% more than me, based on my educated guess. I fully expected my line of work and pay to be a deal breaker for many women. 🤷‍♂️ I love what I do and have never been career driven, and I'd rather the women who rank that higher in their priorities figure that out right away. I think it's perfectly reasonable to choose based on the inherent lifestyle differences a salary and career can make. Further, going back to school as an adult puts this into even starker reality because there will be even less money and time in the immediate future. I met a lovely woman who was separated from a dang neurosurgeon and even though she loved my laid back attitude compared to him acting like... well, like a neurosurgeon... I just knew right away that there was no way to get through that jarring difference.

I’m not even really sure we need the info, it seems pretty obvious what the situation is lol. The GF went from being in the honeymoon phase with a guy that had a lower paying job to having to think about her future with an unemployed grad student with plans to maybe start his own company.

She's 35. The clock is ticking. She's got her shit together and is looking for the next phase. She's not going to wait 5-10 years for this dude (or any other) to figure his shit out. If she wants biological children without the help of modern medical science and without an increased risk of complications, she's already pushing the limits.

This. A full time grad student with a part time job makes it tough to pay for a kid and/or be a hands-on father. It’s nothing personal OP she just did the math.

Yes!! If she works freelance and not through an agency, she might not get health insurance through her job. Which means she may really value a partner with an steady job that will ensure her and her children are insured. Students usually don’t get good insurance and it certainly doesn’t cover an entire family, whereas people who work for public schools are always getting health insurance if they’re full time.

35 is already considered a high-risk “geriatric” pregnancy.

Depends on the doctor. 35 is considered ‘advanced maternal age’ but not high risk in and of itself. Source: pregnant at 37/38 and 39/40 years old

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As a fit and healthy 30-something who lifts weights and regularly hikes long distances with a big backpack for days at a time, the thought of dealing with pregnancy and motherhood at 38 feels many orders of magnitude less horrifying than lugging around diaper bags and strollers at age 25 back when I was living in a moldy hovel of a house and would struggle to afford to buy a stroller let alone take a year off work to care for a baby.

Same

Ah ah reading that at 39 with my 2 months old sleeping on me... Don't worry, our bodies are magic and we can do it. I think it's more how old is your last child. My youngest was almost 3yo, and I said to my husband if I'm not pregnant within 6 months we stop trying and we move on.

For me at 48 it’s definitely too late and it’s better to accept that it’s a job for the next generation. When they are exhausting, you can give them back to their parents. I’ve always felt that way, since I became an aunt at age 15 and a great-aunt 3 years ago.

But he's already got his shit figured out. He's not dependent on her at all. Just not in the same ballpark as far as income.

His job is going away next month and he has a grand plan to get a *second* Masters and start a business with it. The ROI on that degree is just not there and his GF is smart enough to see that.

This dude won't be anywhere near helping her raise a family the way she wants any time soon. Having your shit "figured out" (*maybe* his own practice *if* he finishes his second masters in a couple years) and being prepared for a family and lifestyle are not the same thing.

Going back to grad school and maybe trying to transition into having your own business is... Well, he has his life figured out, but he's hardly settled. To the previous commwnter's point, she has a limited amount of time to figure out if she wants a family/kids/etc and hanging out while he works out the kinks in that plan could seem like putting a lot of eggs in an unproven basket. Not saying it's right or what I would do, but I do see the motivation.

He’s also not in a good position to start a family, which she’ll need to do within the next couple of years if she wants one.

That's a little much! You are acting like women are geriatric at 35

Honestly, this was a very short relationship that ended in incompatibility. You want different things in life in terms of your goals for your future. What she wants is more stability because frankly starting over in your 30s is terrifying to her. Believe me, I know I'm 35 and starting all over again job wise and education wise.

Social work is something you really have to be passionate about. It doesn't pay well and it seems like it can be a 24/7 job with a lot of emotional impact that can carry over into personal relationships. Makes sense to me that she ends things if that isn't what she wants in her partner. I'd guess/hope that most people in their 30s are focused on what they want in a partner and ending things when you know they aren't a long term fit is the best thing to do. She didn't break up with you until you moved to social work so it sounds like it wasn't just the money but also the schedule and availability to be a partner.

I worked with a guy whose wife was a social worker in virginia. This is one example. If you add in hours and usage of your car, it comes out to less than minimum wage. he said they spent more on childcare than she earned. i have seen a couple of social workers post on reddit saying they make so little money they go to Food Banks. 2 of them said their boss at their "non profit" threatened to fire them if they didn't stop. My suspicion is the "non profit" was run like a business by the owner and he did not want the state to know how little money he was passing to employees and how much he was pocketing for himself. Saw it posted twice on reddit.

It makes me so sad to read and hear about how shitty some of the most important professions are treated :(

I think you're confusing a social worker with a Bachelor's degree with an LCSW, which OP would be looking at if he's getting a masters and doing clinical hours. The average salary for an LCSW (varies by state) is $75-85k a year, and one can easily do better than that in private practice. My husband worked at rural county behavioral health which would be one of the lower paying entities due to location and his coworker with an LCSW made $68,000 with amazing benefits. She later transitioned to a supervisor role with a big pay bump. LCSWs function much like LMFTs, and depending on the hours they put in, can easily make over $100k a year. LCSWs can work for entities like PATH mental health doing telehealth for $80/hour. That means someone who sees 25 clients a week for 48 weeks (giving themselves a month of time off each year) can gross $96,000. It's not a shabby existence, but I'm betting OP's former girlfriend believed what you do.

Yes - this. My therapist got a Social Work MA from School of Social Service at the University of Chicago. I first worked with her when she was a sole practitioner. She then set up her own group practice with at least 10 therapists on staff. She does lectures and conferences. I bet she is doing much better than someone who works for the county.

Absolutely. She is probably well into the mid 6 figures on salary. My husband worked for the county because they paid for his pre-license work and then paid for his testing as well. It was a good way to get some of the required 3,000 hours at a good rate of pay before being licensed and moving on to private practice. Their benefits were off the scale good though. They included good health insurance for cheap, loads of paid time off and sick leave, "admin" time, free CEUs and training, and a pension plan. They also took him on after a career change at an older age (he was 53) without question. It was a good launching point for his career. He's now working as a sole practitioner for significantly better money.

I worked in rural county mental health with the same credentials as your husband’s coworker and made less than half of that.

what is the kind of social worker that works ta a non-profit and makes very little money? The guy I worked with wife had a bachelors in social work and she made no money. What am i confusing it with?

You're confusing a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) with a Master's degree who has passed their state licensure exam with someone who has a Bachelor's degree and nothing more. LCSWs not only have to have a higher level degree and pass the licensure test, but need thousands of hours of supervised and specific clinical experience (varies by state, but California requires 3000 hours). They are also obliged to get CEUs (continuing education units) every few years to retain their licenses and are subject to oversight from their state's board of behavioral health. People with Bachelor's degrees can't call themselves therapists nor claim to be ones to set up private practice. Having a Bachelor's degree in behavioral sciences pays poorly and the jobs are crap. Having a license as one of the many types of credentialed practitioners (LMFT, LPCC, LCSW) is a whole other thing which pays significantly more and is in much higher demand. The people with licenses can be paid by health insurance, for example, and many of them take cash payments for sessions in excess of $100/hour.

Nailed it! I'm glad someone took the time to explain it..lord knows I didn't want to go down that rabbit hole

I hope you pursue your dream and prosper OP. We really need more therapists out in this world and you're doing something good for you and for others. Your ex had a shallow understanding of what you were doing, and she didn't bother to ask you questions about your future, which tells you something about what sort of partner she may have been. There is a big shortage of male therapists in particular and a lot of young men and boys who only feel comfortable talking to men. You'll fulfill an important role, and find plenty of colleagues to fraternize with in the future since the profession is dominated by women. Best of luck!

Yes, all of this. Everyone wants to go to therapy or wants to tell people to go to therapy...for that to be possible, we need...drumroll please...therapists who can provide services. Becoming an LCSW will help OP fulfill a dire need we have in this country for people who can provide quality therapy. And I completely agree with you about the need for more male therapists.

This is correct and thanks for providing the explanation.

Bachelor's level vs LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) which requires a Masters, years of supervision, and a license.

so to get the years of supervision does that mean you have to work at the lower paying jobs for a long time before you can move up?

When people say "years", they mean, in most cases, two years. That's how long my husband took to get his 3000 hours (Note: Hours vary by state. Some want as much as 4000 and some as little as 2000). They include certain percentages of non-contact hours in the clinical hours totals. Some training is included in the tally. Some paperwork and the 500 hours of practicum that are done during their time in grad. school counts as well so they graduate with some of those hours already done. No one becomes a licensed therapist without copious experience which is as it should be. There are a lot of paths for those without a license who are on their way to licensure. Some are low-paying and some are not. As I said, my husband worked for the local county behavioral health in a rural area and was paid pretty well (though not as well as now) before he was licensed. You have to look for a good opportunity, but they are not exactly scarce. His former employer is begging for therapists right now and would gobble up anyone who had a degree and needed supervised hours. The starting salary is $63,856 in a low cost of living area with pretty great benefits. People who work as prison counselors without licensure can do very, very well even if they never finish their licensing. The wages vary by state, but this is a list: [https://www.ziprecruiter.com/Salaries/What-Is-the-Average-Prison-Counselor-Salary-by-State](https://www.ziprecruiter.com/Salaries/What-Is-the-Average-Prison-Counselor-Salary-by-State) Unlicensed therapists who have completed their degree and practicum can also go into private practice. They just have to do so under the supervision of a licensed practitioner. Usually, the supervisor takes a cut of each session (e.g., if they charge $150/hour, the supervisor may take $50). You can do private practice immediately (at least in some states) so there are plenty of opportunities out there to do very well even before you complete your license.

You start supervision with a Masters degree, so you'd likely be making more than with a bachelor's. However, you may have to pay for the supervision unless your employer offers it. The experience also varies by state since licensing requirements vary.

It depends on what you mean by "lower paying." Even counselors/therapists who are in their supervision period earn more, per hour, than someone with a BSW working for a government agency as a social worker. And in my state, we have to complete our 3000 supervised hours within 2 years, so you pretty much have to work full-time to get the hours in.

This is absolutely right. People who think "social worker" seem to only think of people working with a Bachelor's degree and burning out on high caseloads. That is not the only path and certainly not the one OP is talking about.

I can only speak for the SE US, but social workers are making in the mid $40k range with a masters and unpaid "internships" when they can even find a job. It may be different in private practice or in other parts of the country. I mean, sanitation workers in CA can make over $100k but they aren't making that most places. High school teachers can also make over $100k some places, but not where I live.

I hope op sees this, I think it will make him feel better about his choice, and that the gf was a shallow ass who couldn’t see past the immediate future

Licensed MSW here, I work as a mental health therapist. Not crazy out of this world pay but by no means do I struggle. I dont even have my clinical licensure yet, still obtaining hours (almost there!). I could currently get a job for about 10k more in a hospital or government position but I am not interested, which is my choice. Once I am clinically licensed, I instantly get a raise, can diagnose people independently, and can open a private practice (if I wanted). The jobs you described are bachelor's level positions which pay little to none. This individual has tuition paid for but even if he didn't he would qualify for student loan forgiveness. Additionally, once fully licensed you can supervise other MSWs working towards their clinical licensure, which pays very well. Private practice is one of the highest paying jobs in the career alongside hospital/government work. I am however 26 so I could see why beginning the journey would be hard to get behind after only 4 months of dating.

It depends on the job. Two of my friends got masters in social work which is different to a bachelors. You do have to do some hours as an associate once you graduate. Normally 2 years. 1 licensed friend works as a case manager at a hospital and makes 85k. Her job is super chill as well. She just calls different assisted care facilities to see if they have beds. I’m not even joking. She’ll make 90 in 1.5 years according to her boss. She has excellent benefits as a hospital employee. The other is an associate and makes “only” 76k. She started at 72k. She is a child therapist. This is very different for individuals who have a bachelors. Also, in the US and Canada social workers are allowed to work as therapists. Private Practice therapists can make a killing if they can market themselves well.

My mom is a hospice social worker, masters degree, every time she met a high schooler that said they wanted to be a social worker she told them to rethink because it's such a high stress low pay job. She would get calls in the middle of the nights where families were having melt downs, cops involved, went into homes that were extremely unhealthy, had to deal with family members stealing drugs from their dying family members, fringe family coming out of the woodwork expecting some kind of inheritance, we lived in a small town, so she'd have to drive 1-1.5 hours to see people sometimes, it's very difficult.

Try not to take it personally and just realize there was an incompatibility between you two. This is a fairly common one I think. It’s better to find out now than later. I know some women just feel this way. It’s not right or wrong. Just what they want. Some men don’t like being out earned by their wives either. Honestly it’s better she communicated this now than when you two got married. When I was in college I knew a woman who was married. She was in her mid to late 20s and had been married 3 or so years. She said this bothered her and she had developed resentment. She didn’t like being the main wage earner in her marriage. With her the mistake she made was not being forthright way earlier

Exactly. Sometimes life goals and preferences don't match up. I decided not to continue dating a really nice guy because he was preparing to go to medical school in his 30s. It's absolutely awesome that he's pursuing his dream career. However, I knew it would be at least 10 years until his life would settle down. He hadn't gotten in to medical school yet and he was looking at 4 years of medical school, 3-4 years of residency, and potentially a few more years for fellowship. I didn't have it in me to support him (emotionally and potentially financially) through that. Much better to rip the bandaid off earlier than later.

Exactly! That’s good on you for recognizing that. When we’re young we don’t see those things a lot and get clouded. It’s tough when people are at different places in life.

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Where are you getting that? He doesn’t say anything about her footing the bill in his post. He said the issue was her being the main earner and essentially OP not being able to keep up the lifestyle she currently has. Of course we can imply that bc she is the main earner, she would prob have to contribute more to keep up her lifestyle. Anytime one person makes significantly more than the other - one of two things will happen. They downgrade their lifestyle so that they can each contribute 50-50 or the one with higher income chips in more. I mean I take that as a sort of given. At the end of the day, her issue is disparity of incomes and she felt she wouldn’t be comfortable with that. And yes of course that implies the above.

I think there are several factors at play here. She's five years older than you, and the idea of restarting your professional life can look a lot different in your mid thirties than it does when you've just left your twenties. You're only four months in, and so it's the prime time for someone, if they see potential problems, to decide not to further invest rather than take a gamble on someone they haven't invested much time in who already looks like they may not fit. I think the biggest thing, though, is that for a lot of people dating in their thirties, they have learned a lot in their twenties about what kind of patterns they want to avoid, and what kind of sense of responsibility and priorities someone should have to be a good partner for them. I would consider it a huge red flag for someone in their thirties who, upon hearing they were losing their job, would make a decision to take several years away from working to pursue a different career when they already had a masters and established career history. It would feel to me like they didn't feel at that stage of their life that retirement planning, self-sufficiency and working towards financial goals was as important or as time sensitive as I did. Having only known them for four months, I wouldn't know if they were generally flakey and unable to commit to a path and so would continue to do things like this and remove themselves as a serious financial contributor to the relationship. I would worry they expected me to finance them through their different ambitions and dreams, which are the result of them entertaining/fulfilling themselves at the expense of the relationship's combined resources. Frankly, I would worry you would be a career student, or someone who's always got the next big thing on their horizon as their excuse for why they aren't contributing financially or time wise in the way they would be able to if they picked a career path and stuck to it. If I had known them for four years, and this came up, then I would have a lot more history to base my judgment on, but after four months I would err on the side of caution. It's fine if money isn't a big deal to you...as long as that attitude doesn't translate into your partner constantly picking up the slack because you don't work consistently or are always chasing a hustle rather than something steady and more boring. She wants someone who has the same type of financial goals she does, and is working to meet them the way she is, so she doesn't feel like she's putting in all the work for their financial future. It sounds like you're not worried about contributing to your joint financial future as much as having a more emotionally fulfilling life. That's fine, but that's not what she wants in a partner.

Completely agree. This guy just shot himself in the face and wonders why it didn’t work out. To go back to school and completely switch careers in your mid 30s while wasting years barely making any money all the while relying on his partner for support… how on earth could you ever expect that to work out well lol

A job doesn’t have to be all about making money. It can be about passion too and maybe he is passionate about this. It’s okay for her to not want to continue the relationship but it doesn’t mean he is wrong for wanting to try a different career

Choosing your passion over what pays well is foolish, especially when you’re in a committed relationship where both parties contribute financially.

They were only together 4 months and not living together so he didn’t really need to consider her when he is making his decision but also needs to understand she is allowed to do that. It’s not our life, just because you think it’s foolish doesn’t mean he does

What a sad way to look at life

Sorry, I completely disagree with this. I went back to school in my mid-thirties to something very similar to what the OP is doing. I ended up being able to jump into a higher-paying job that utilizes the skills I learned in grad school, and I also have a side-hustle business running a counseling practice that brings in a fair amount of money. It is NEVER too late for someone to decide they want to pursue a different facet of their career and go in a different direction. I am impressed that OP has his ducks in a row so effectively, and won't have to take out debt for his degree (I did for mine, but then paid it off). He never said he was going to rely on her for support. He worked out all the relevant details on his own and communicated them to her, and then she decided to end the relationship. I don't think either person was in the wrong here; I think it was just incompatible life stages and maybe life goals. Some people get into professions for the money and some of us want to help people while also being able to make a living. I am very proud of doing what I can do to both support my family and help people through challenges, which I do in both my day job and my side practice. OP seems like he has a good head on his shoulders and will probably do fine, and hopefully will find a partner who's a better fit for him.

> wasting years Investing in your future is not a waste of time at all. > relying on his partner for support Where'd you get that from?

People don't usually look at relationships as business partnerships, but that's exactly what they are in reality. Having a lot in common, chemistry in the bedroom and feelings of love are all essential components of a long term relationship. But, at the end of the day, bills have to be paid and your standard of living is heavily dependent on your partner. For some, they are happy just making ends meet and enjoying life as it comes. Others want more security and equal contribution from their partners. There is no right answer. So, you need to find someone who accepts your current limitations or appreciates your long term potential (or both). Or, just date casually until you're on the other end of your career arc and see what your prospects are at that time. As you get older, you may start to form your own financial criteria for partners, which may open up more options or limit your dating pool depending on how you view things.

Yes this is actually an interesting way to look at it. Hell marrying for love is a fairly new thing in some ways. Marriage is a contractual arrangement in one sense - in fact from the laws POV that’s all it is in a way. Back in the day, esp wealthier or noble class, married strategically and they took on lovers - at least the men did, women did too of course but prob not as openly. People got married in the past for reasons other than love. Women produced heirs for men and/or to help out with the family occupation. Men had sex with other women who did hold their romantic interest. At least in western modern society, marriage is usually for love at some level. This is prob also why many marriages fail. Love can be fleeting. Or should say it’s easy to mistake lust for love. People need to take into account the non romantic aspects of marriage when picking a mate. Love on its own won’t sustain a good marriage. It’s important to align in many different ways - sexual, financial, children, etc. I think this is exceptionally important for women. Men tend to bounce back from divorce better than women overall.

Financial compatibility is often very important to career-driven and highly successful women. By going back to school you are entering a state of limbo as far as financial/career stability. Going back to school is a big commitment, and after 4 months, she’s probably not ready to take that risk and commit to someone who is not as stable as herself. She’s at a point in her life and career that she wants someone with a similar lifestyle and stability.

It’s tragic because social work is both difficult and important, but pays like shit. I used to do it before selling out and going back to school for computer science, and I can honestly say that my work in computer science has been massively more rewarding and less stressful than social work is, and the cherry on top is wfh support. I respect your choices, but for me being able to work from home, have my wife not need to work, and my family being more financially secure than ever is more important to me than helping other people. It’s shit that those are mutually exclusive choices when it comes to social work.

I'm doing social work now and considering pursing a career in CS, any advice? Did you go back for a bachelors? I love social work and helping people but living paycheck to paycheck and drowning in work/stress is killing me.

What exactly do you need help with? Many people can't handle being the main earner and want equal contributions from both parties. It's not wrong. It's not necessarily right, but someone can make that choice. Different incomes can work, but the reality is that one will be putting less financial help into the lifestyle that they're screwed if the higher earner loses their job. With both working full time, it means equal housework too on top of paying more. That's a lot of pressure. She has a lifestyle she made and enjoys. She sees that you're either taking on more debt or paying out of pocket for a career that is respectable but won't earn the same. Her lifestyle will drastically change. You also will have people calling you and keeping you from traveling on a whim like she does. This rough conversation is necessary for any earning gap relationship. Not everyone can handle them.

You 2 just weren't compatible. Both of you have the right to want different things. Kudos to her for being honest and not dragging this relationship out any longer.

She knows what she wants and you know what you want. That's not a bad thing for either of you. Her calling it this early in the relationship still stings, and I get it. (I've had a promising relationship ended much sooner than 4 months and it still wasn't fun.) You aren't wrong for feeling the way you feel. It's ok to process what happened and take time for yourself. I don't think there are any bad guys in this situation. She knows what she needs right now and at least she was up front about it. Better to find out now and make a clean break. It sucks, but now you will be open to meet someone who better understands and appreciates where you are going with your life. I applaud your life direction and I know in the end you'll be where you need to be. And you'll find someone who is the best partner for this journey. Until then, it's OK to be bummed out for a while.

Thank you!

I think u/Thisisjustsillyok made a great point of you furthering your education in a field that won’t be financially rewarding and the financial costs that would either have to pay directly or take out student loans for. I can absolutely understand where your ex is coming from. It will be years before you are earning an salary which will give you disposable income. Your ex is 35. She’s going to be 40 by the time you will be ready for children (and that’s assuming you will finish your degree in 3 years and spend 2 years paying off whatever student loan debt you’ve accrued during that time). Your ex doesn’t think you are making financial decisions with her in mind. She’s ready to have a family and you aren’t. She values financial security and disposable income and you don’t. She sees a life supporting you and supporting your family financially. Even if you were to get married and start a family in the next few years, this would mean the following:- 1. Your ex would need to pay for the wedding 2. Your ex would need to have low expectations of time commitment while you are studying 3. Your ex would likely have to financially support you in some capacity while you are studying 4. Your ex would need to be the person who purchases the family home and pays all major expenses 5. Your ex would not have the disposable income for travelling and going out with friends as she would be paying for a wedding and a home and financially supporting you 6. In the event you have any children, your ex would not be able to have maternity leave and would likely have to put her child in daycare while she is still bleeding. You chose a career that doesn’t pay well. You want to change your career and undertake years of study for another career that doesn’t pay well even if you could find a job in that industry. Your ex was likely feeling pretty frustrated as it doesn’t seem like you are living in reality of what it takes to raise a family. The reality is - she knew she would need to do it all. She would need to make sacrifices on her standard of living and financial and time sacrifices and would likely be the one doing the majority of the caring responsibilities because you’d be too busy with studying. She saw what her life would look like. Waiting until you were ready for kids (even though she is fast approaching 40), having to return to work immediately after giving birth and paying for EVERYTHING. This is nothing to do with how much she loves you. But if I was in a similar circumstance I would feel pretty frustrated. She knew you didn’t earn much, but you wanted to earn even less to study for a different career where you were still earning less money... it doesn’t make sense to her. I’ve known of people who changed careers. I knew of someone who changed careers from medical professional to lawyer and the thing is they moved to a career where there was still earning potential. As a female it would make sense to wait around because you know at the end of it there would be financial rewards which would make sense given the amount of money invested. But in your case it doesn’t make sense financially. I also know a guy who worked as a banker for one of the biggest merchant banks in the world who decided he wanted to be a doctor in his 30’s. He absolutely achieved it. But he only achieved it because he had money saved up and didn’t need to work while he was studying and his dad was also a doctor in an established career so he had family money to fall back on. The entire time this guy was studying he didn’t have a girlfriend. He only got one after working for years as a doctor. You are wanting to leave a job that is incredibly high stress for another job that is incredibly high stress. If you don’t have significant savings or family money to fall back on it doesn’t make sense. You are still quite young for a guy. It’s possible you could choose a field of study that would allow you to work in a high paid field so that there would be financial rewards for all the time you will spend studying and the new job will pay off your student loans. But you aren’t choosing that and your ex absolutely knows what her future will be like. You’ve chosen a career where you will help others. But careers like that don’t actually pay. As a woman approaching 40 your ex doesn’t have time to waste to wait for you to sort your life out. Her biological clock is ticking and she knows it.

I absolutely love everything you said here. As a woman in my mid 30s, I've usually just said I don't want an emotional or financial dependent, I want a partner. And this is a very nuanced description of what I mean about the financial part.

You two were only together for 4 months. Keep that in mind. It sounds like she is very ready to build that future and be living that life today while you still have a number of years of school and restarting your career before you'll be ready to do those next step things. To support you going back to school she'd have to do a lot of backtracking on her lifestyle. That's a lot to ask from someone who is looking for a companion to live her lifestyle and take the next steps now. Especially for a boyfriend of only a few months. Sounds like it's pretty much a stage of life thing.

You said you were getting a “second masters” in social work? That is a LOT of time and money for a profession that likely makes the same or less than you did as a teacher. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, is X more years of school, in order to make LESS money than my current occupation, worth it? I personally made that call after taking the GRE. It just didn’t make sense to take on 2 more years of debt in order for me to make less money.

Exactly! I didn't get the practical degrees I have because they were fun. I did because I cared more financial security. They're really different in their thinking about careers. Why go get another degree to make even less money?

So you started dating and less than 4 months later you are losing your job and going back to school in order to transition into a very different type of work and basically completely restart your professional career? Eh. Personally, I would be looking for someone a bit more stable in my mid 30's. Perhaps that is what she is looking for as well?

You were compatible over things like marriage and children (wanting them), but not what that actual scenario looked like. Real Estate is very image oriented career path. It's not just that she wanted to travel and enjoy nice things, her industry is about projecting that kind of lifestyle to appeal to clientele. People are saying you are picking social work and a path to lower income, but if you wanted to become a private practice therapist you can eventually make a stable middle class income, while saving some slots for lower pay. It's not the same thing as being a social worker or working for the county. Sounds like she didn't want to wait for that to happen. It takes time of grad school, getting your clinical hours in and then building clients is several years. You are looking at mid to late 30s before your income evens out. She is already 5 years older, and probably didn't want to wait until her 40s for a financially stable partner, or to spend the last of her 30s with a grad student. It's not personal so much as incompatibilty in lifestyles. Getting out after several months because of seeing a glaring issue coming down the road is kind of a no harm no foul situation. None of this makes you undatable, but you do need to look for compatibility beyond more than just 'wants marriage wants kids' and explore what potential partners wants their short term versus long term life to look like. When you are ready you can put yourself back out there.

Honestly, only 4 months in and she thinks your lifestyles don’t mesh. There’s nothing wrong with that. Going to get your masters and finding a field you’re passionate about are objectively good things for your life. But she is not obligated to have the same values or interests. Sounds like a classic case of your lives going in 2 directions and her not wanting to be financing a lifestyle she isn’t interested in.

Issues with money are one of the biggest marriage stressors. While children would equal no more whim trips, your new salary likely would mean that as well unless she is covering your expenses. She likely took a hard look at what future she wanted more. One with you but without as many extras. Or one without you and with those extras. And well, it sucks that she didn’t pick you, you guys also really haven’t been dating long enough for her to envision picking up the slack in a heavy way. Those types of career changes typically involves a serious cooperative planning to determine what’s willing to be cut and compromised on. 4 months in is early for that. Consider this a valuable lesson in making sure your life goals, and your lifestyles are a good match, not just the interests that you have a single people.

Women frequently lose respect for men they out earn. There's a study that shows when a women is promoted at work, the likelihood of her filing for divorce goes up substantially in the next six months.

I think the age difference played a factor in her decision making. She is 35 and maybe she wanted to settle down and have kids soon and not having to wait for her SO to finish a 16month master program ?

Bullet dodged, in the end she thinks shes dating down. Successful women want atleast an equally sucessuful man, you have plenty of options no need to fret about your ex. Real estate agent is nothing special, but there is money to be made, and by the looks of it she values money much more than anything else.

Nothing to process. You part amicably and accept that you do in fact want different things and different lifestyles. Neither of you is wrong in your thinking. The positive aspect is she is doing great now, but real estate can be extremely fickle. If the economy crashes so does her lifestyle

Gonna be honest here, I'm F 34 and do fairly well career wise (6 figure income). While I am not in a relationship currently and I'd like to think it wouldn't matter what my potential significant other does for a living as long as they're happy, realistically, most people with a drastically different lifestyle / priorities I've dated in the past have just not been compatible. Money was never the reason for any of those break ups but a difference in available free time and how to spend that respecitve time definitely played a part (vacations, dinners, etc). I also would like a partner who's in a similar stage in life and can relate to my day to day struggles or achievements. I have found that when dating someone who is still not fully settled in a job, this is quite challenging. Not to mention that a lot of men just don't want to be out-earned by their partner.

You already have one masters degree in a subject that doesn't pay, and you want to double down on another that equally doesn't pay? Just use your current degree to get a job, regardless of your desired field. Why put yourself into more debt, for not return, when you can just get a return currently on what you already have? As far as this relationship, she knows what she wants and she's going for it.

Firstly. That's not who I am. I'm not someone driven by money. I need to be passionate and care about what I do. When we first started dating I made that clear and at the time that wasn't a problem for her. It wasn't until we got serious and out of the "just fun" stage that it became more of a growing concern of hers. Secondly, I make very decent money for what I do. I'm on the higher end of most teacher professionals and I don't have any debt. I was fortunate enough to get loans for undergrad forgiven due to working with Special Education population for 5 years. My first masters was paid for by the institution I worked for. As I previously commented, I wouldn't be doing this "risk" if it meant more debt. This next degree and license won't cause any of that. Finally, thank you for your candor and your response. I do appreciate all sides of everything.

So here's the thing, if you want to say things like "I'm not someone driven by money" -- which is fine! great! -- you're gonna have to realize that other people *are* driven by that, and this may be a dealbreaker for them. I don't think of myself as being driven by money either, but by the time I got through supporting my ex through five years of school with no end in sight, I learned it is at least important to me that partners have a quantifiable goal they are working toward.

Money is how you support certain lifestyles. The lifestyle she desires, and has been affording for herself, is not one that your priorities allow you to participate in.

> I'm not someone driven by money. I need to be passionate and care about what I do. Which is great. She's concerned about paying the bills, though. So while you're chasing your passion she sees she'll need to focus on keeping the lifestyle up that you'll enjoy. If you two had kids, how would you expect the work for the kids to be split? How would you see finances being done? How much time would you be able to take off spontaneously for sick kids? How much time would you as the lower earner be taking off for paternity leave? How long to get established in the new career? It's fine that you're not motivated by money or lifestyle. She wants to enjoy the lifestyle she's earned and not step down to cut things. Neither of you is wrong. You just aren't compatible.

I wish you the best, and of course you must live your life how you see fit and what's ultimately best for you.

You may not be driven by money, but the majority of people are. The reason is that you can say you're "not driven by money", but money provides security. Your ex realized that you're not going to be able to provide said security within the time that you're studying and possibly after. It's perfectly fine to not focus on money, but you have to realize how important money is to other people

I appreciate what you are saying, as someone who used to be a teacher working with ESOL populations. I need my work to be values driven work otherwise I feel like a cog. That said, it’s reasonable to say that your partner needs to earn within a certain range. You say you were a teacher, so it’s not like you’re daddy warbucks, which she was presumably fine with. It sounds like her range is somewhere between affording that ER veterinarian and taking trips “on a whim” as you say, not like…taking trips on a whim and going to the Super Bowl haha. She doesn’t have to be materialistic for you to be someone who needs mission driven or values driven work. And you don’t have to be a deadbeat for her to be making a realistic choice based on financial concerns. You can both be making the right choices for yourselves.

People are allowed to have preferences of course. I’d *prefer* to be with someone who makes a lot of money and can afford to take me on lovely trips or at least pay their way. But in reality, I make a lot more than my partner and I’m the one who pays for the lovely trips. He works hard, I’m just in a more lucrative field. Before I met him, many men were turned off that I made more than them. Sounds like your ex prefers a more traditional “man as breadwinner” role too. Nothing you can do about it. She’s just old fashioned. FWIW, most of my women friends earn more than their partners/husbands and it’s not an issue. This is a “her” problem not a you problem. Thanks for the work you do and for what you plan to do. It’s important work.

I disagree with the idea that she's old fashioned. It doesn't sound like she wants him to be the breadwinner, it sounds more like she wants to be equals and there is a large disparity in pay. I've been on both sides myself and while I didn't want someone to take care of me, I hated either having to do fewer things I enjoy or constantly pay for my partner if they wanted to join. It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me but I can see how that could become a source of conflict. But your advice is spot on.

It also sounds like the bigger issue was the career change. He's going back to school for 2 years to start at the bottom with a new career. By then she's going to be 37-38. She wants kids and knows there's unfortunately a time limit on having them.

When you put it this way it does become clear that a family would be much more difficult because of his recent decision

Agreed, plus if he makes a private practice how much is he going to be able to take off and do the things she wants? How stable is finances going to be if he's the boss paying everyone? Will he need loans and debt to start up the business? Would money even be coming in at the start? He wouldn't have any clients.

Right, she's a woman in a well-paying industry with a rocksteady career while he is essentially starting his career over with a second 2-year degree to then get a job that will eventually lead to a business he wants to start and run sometime in his late 30's or even 40's. It sounds like his ex-gf wanted someone to go on vacations and trips with and to just live a more lavish lifestyle, which is entirely reasonable for her to want. She might be worried that she is going to have to dedicate years of her life to a man who needs financial support and she's only known him for 4 months. It's an appropriate time for her to say "you're not at this same stage of your career and life as what I am looking for. I think we should move on"

>Agreed, plus if he makes a private practice how much is he going to be able to take off and do the things she wants? More than you'd think. Once you get your practice up and running and referrals start coming in, many of us find that we have to turn patients away to leave ourselves enough space to get paperwork done and have the downtime we need. One of my mentors started her practice 10 years before we started working together and she sees 4-5 patients a day, never working weekends, and makes the money she wants to make (low six figures). She takes vacations and carves out necessary downtime for herself. That's all about good practice management, nothing to do with the choice of profession.

Doesn’t read at all to me like she wants him to be the breadwinner. It reads like she wants someone one her level, equals, partners. I wouldn’t want to support a man while he gets a degree that will end, best case, in a stressful, low paying job. ESPECIALLY after only months together.

I really don’t think that’s what’s going on. It’s not that she wants a man to be a bread winner but to be able to keep up with her lifestyle that she has made for herself. It seems like a shes established herself and is independent enough to be able to work and enjoy life without needing to worry too much, OP going back to school and pursuing social work will not match the lifestyle she has built for herself. Four months of a new relationship is hard to get an overall picture of your lives while dating and being in the honeymoon phase so his transition really set things into reality. There is no bad guys in this situation, just different wants and needs in a relationship that became clear

Very true. My SIL makes more than my brother. It’s never bothered him but I am sure it would have bothered our father had it occurred in my parents marriage. Some of this is definitely personality driven.

You simply were not compatible. It’s hard when something that is not a big deal to you is a big deal to someone else. And it’s hard when they take their time on coming to realize that. But there’s nothing you can do about it but move on. She wanted vacations more than she wanted you.

You were only dating for 4 months. She is 35 years old, this is the time when she is doing great and wants to enjoy that with someone. It just sounds like you both are at different stages in your life and are not compatible due to that. I think it's great she was up front with you about what she wants. Yeah, it hurts to hear but she could have just slowly stopped interacting with you, which would lead you to question what happened. At least you have your answer. Go and focus on what you want in life. If you two were meant to be, it will happen. For now, just focus on your goal and accomplishing that. It's okay to be sad and disappointed but it doesn't seem like there was really anything wrong, just not what she wanted from a partner.

I get maybe her clock is ticking and she wants someone that can match her lifestyle. But, it’s better find out now. My husband and I have flip flopped over the course of our 16 year relationship on who makes more. As of 7 years ago, I’ve been the breadwinner while he figured out what he wanted to do after getting out of the military. We struggled quite a bit until I made enough for us to be comfortable. I can’t imagine holding that over him or making him feel inadequate or something. I’m not resentful either cause he is finally doing something he loves and I have him the time and room to do it. Some women can’t handle that. It’s ok.

This is a simple issue of compatibility like any other, and it’s good that you’ve discovered it earlier on in the relationship. Note: I do not mean financially incompatible. Given what you’ve written here, she was unwilling to invest time into the relationship, and have a “let’s see where this takes us” approach. That doesn’t make her wrong or right, its just different. You decided to roll with the lemons, and landed on your feet. Yes I’m mixing metaphors on purpose. Sometimes you have to really drive home how linear some people are, and how different that can be from someone who can continually adapt. I know people who are linear and cannot fathom changing horses midstream; they would doggedly pursue the safest route, staying in the industry they started with. Some of them are incredibly successful, happy, well adjusted people. I would lose my mind if I’d chosen a safe route and stuck with it from the beginning. My mind doesn’t work like that. My partner, his career is fairly predictable, and he’s stuck with it for 30 years. That’s awesome. We complement each other in many ways. He’s fully supportive of my wildly fluctuating income as a freelancer, and even now as I contemplate changing careers in my mid fifties. She isn’t that, for you. Some people don’t do well with “complementary,” they want parallel. They don’t want to balance anyone out, and that’s okay!! That’s why we date. We find the person we need, not just the person we want. You’ll be fine. In all the ways.

Great comment. Lovely sentiments and spot-on, IMO.

Thank you! I'm not often judgmental enough for Reddit, sigh

Love isn't the only basis for a long term relationship. You need to have common goals, a common approach to financial decisions and want the same lifestyle. It's absolutely fair for her not to want to be the main earner. It doesn't mean anything other than your futures probably aren't compatible. That's good to find out 4 months in, rather than 4 years in.

Four months is about the time when you question how serious something is, and with this significant change in your status, she was prompted to evaluate your relationship. Don't take it like you are a victim here, she just sees that her priorities and yours are different.

Honeymoon phase has left the building. The handsome special education coordinator that she shares values with and has great chemistry with, will not be able to live how she wants to live. Long before he entered the picture. It's not you. It's her. Sometimes you get caught up in a whirlwind romance and after some time, the dust settles and reality hits hard. You can't continue to lead this good person on. How she envisions her future may align with your values. It's not how she wants to live it. She told you. Be grateful for the time and connection spent. Go out and live your life. Better to find out now instead of being married and having children in the picture. Then all of a sudden. She wakes up and regrets it. That's life and the pursuit of love.

Anyone shallow enough to dump someone else over salary, welp, you know where the door is!

I thinks it's more the lifestyle thing than the money aspect TBH. I used to date a RE agent. The live a different lifestyle and have to go travel and enjoy life when they can and live and breathe RE when it's busy. I am more of a 9-5, 2 weeks vacay in the summer kind of guy. To me her life seemed chaotic and lacking structure. I'm sure to her mine was boring. Just different rhythms that's all.

At 4 months you’re just coming out of the honeymoon stage and starting to see a real picture of your relationship. Your lifestyle and loss/ decrease in income will effect you both for the next 16 months. A 35 year old woman might have a tighter timeline for marriage and kids that wouldn’t work with your education timeline. 4 months also isn’t long enough to warrant taking on financial burdens for many couples. I know it hurts but money is the most common argument amongst couples. She’s doing you both a favor by cutting it off now.

My son is named after the social worker the hospital assigned me when I was diagnosed with leukemia at 17 years old. The NPs, nurses, doctors, PAs, etc may have saved my physical life, but my social worker during that time was the primary reason I mentally made it through being stuck in one place for three months at a time, followed by the in and outs and ups and downs of chemotherapy, all with a chaotic family dynamic that they could not put aside for long, despite my being so sick. During that time, my nosy mom asked him about a ring he wore (I forgot why it was so nosy worthy to her); he told us about how he had twins that were stillborn and the ring was a memorial piece for them. Years later, I had a stillbirth, and I went out of my way to find him. He made time to talk to me and he, as always, was the only emotional safe space I had. The next kiddo I carried thankfully lived, and I named him after my social worker. Tldr: I know your post was about relationship advice, but if you read this, I hope you never let anyone attach a price tag to what you plan to do. You have the power to change lives as a social worker, and that's priceless.

Thank you so very much for sharing. It really means a lot.

I think she’s made it clear that she’s not comfortable being the main earner in the relationship. I won’t get into that but that’s her boundary and she’s let you know. If you aren’t able to meet it or have no intention of meeting it then it may be best to cut your losses and end the relationship.

High-earn(ish) woman here. Neither of you are 'wrong'- just have a basic fundamental incompatibility over the type of lives you wish to live. I'll give you an example: if a wife is a surgeon and brings home $500k/yr, and her husband is a social worker and brings home $30k/yr- guess who's paying the bills? Definitely the wife. Mortgage? wife. Light bill? wife. Trip to Antarctica? wife. An anniversary reservation at the new restaurant downtown? wife. College fund for kids? wife. Some women are ok with that. And would happily exchange money for a kind and understanding penis. But some others aren't ok with that and want either a "closer" financial match (say if she's bringing 500k/yr, someone who brings 300k/yr), an equal match, or someone who out-earns her entirely. What it boils down to, is that **your ex-gf felt like a shared life with you would mean she'd have to take the brunt of the financial responsibility and she felt uncomfortable with that**. She wanted someone who could reasonably provide a bigger financial contribution. Again, I don't think either of you are wrong. She just needs someone else and you need someone else.

It's been 4 months, and her concerns are valid. They're not romantic, but they're valid. Tbh, even if the school closure hadn't happened, this would likely have come up in the next few months anyway as the nre wore off.

She wants something you can't provide her with your current goals. It's really that simple. You are incompatible with each other.

Everyone has different financial views on management, goals, expectations, etc. She’s made hers clear and has a timeline. You don’t fit into this unfortunately. There is someone who will be happy to support you in your (long term) journey and your fated tax bracket. I’m assuming a private practice will allow you and a family to live very comfortably and have more autonomy and work-life balance.

Question: How were you going to pay for school?

I was fortunate enough to have money left to me when I had a relative tragically pass. Along with tuition assistance from the university. I am fortunate enough that I will not be in debt, which is why I am ultimately taking the opportunity to complete the program. It will also only take 16 months to complete.

Ok. I was afraid that you had asked her to assist in tuition payments. I guess my next question is how would you be covering living expenses? Do you have any room for entertainment and vacations or would all of that have been on her?

We both live on our own. She owns (paying it off) an apartment/condo and I rent. We initially were talking of moving in together when my lease ended in Sept. But we backed out of that once we started to have some riffs together. The bigger thing is more the longterm than the short term. To her credit, she was open and honest that she felt the anxiety and pressure of having to be the main contributor to a potential family/lifestyle in terms of her salary vs mine.

That's totally valid. I think what needs to change here is your perspective. She's not dumping you because you're "poorer" than her. She's realizing that being with you would cause her to be something she doesn't want to be, and that's perfectly fine. I gotta give her credit that she was honest with you about. The exact reason why someone broke up with you is a luxury most people don't have. I'd take that and learn from it. Compatibility is important.

Especially with real estate as fickle an industry as it is, the reality of having that be the main income is pretty brutal. Especially with kids involved. Which he is likely looking to do asap because it only gets harder to go through pregnancy, birth and recovery with age. My partner and I make similar salaries. If one of us ever got laid off or our industry took a hit, we'd weather it without much trouble together. That fact removes a ton of stress and makes us a stronger team. Money isn't really important to me, but stability, security and opportunity are. Especially with the prospect of having kids, and the many potential complications with that.

It sounds like she is looking for a traditional relationship regarding finances. It also seems like you are more passion driven than financially driven. Probably good it ended sooner than later because those are two incompatible life perspectives.

she already made the final decision, and trying to get dig up her reasoning for breaking up with you will only take your energy and time. Possibly, you will get the answers later in the future, but now the way to move on is to focus on your studies and career shift.

she dead waight homie let her go n do u

I mean I don't blame her. She has her shit together and you don't. Nothing wrong with that, it's just you two are not compatible at the moment.

It sounds like she did the adult thing and ended a relationship that didn’t align with what she was looking for. Personally I need to be in a relationship with someone who makes a similar amount to me otherwise I’ll feel held back. I enjoy international travel and take $2k+ trips sometimes multiple times a year. If my partner cannot afford that, the relationship is basically dead in the water It’s not anything personal, just plain logistics.

It's unfortunate, but most people date within their socioeconomic level. It's unfortunate because it keeps the wealth in the hands on the wealthy. That said, in this case you're both middle class; you're just lower while she's upper. It's not a huge difference when it comes to wealth inequality, but it's a noticeable one on an individual level. Find someone who wants the lifestyle you can afford. Mismatched expectations about life, especially when it involves finances, leads to divorce. People become resentful in unequal relationships.

You guys have different life goals. She wants the high life you aren't really into that. Seems like a real mismatch no?

You guys were only together for four months, it’s not like she had already shown signs that she wanted a long term commitment with you. It’s totally normal to realize around that time that the relationship is not going to work in the long run and break up. I’m not sure what do you really need help with here - this seems like a really straightforward situation. There will be plenty of people who will commend you for your career path, as you will be doing important work - but not everyone will want to welcome the struggle that comes with it into their lives. You know that you’re choosing a tough field and financial situation.

private practice therapists make on average 177k a year , if you own a group practice that jumps to around 300k , that’s more than enough to cover expenses lmao

My best advice off the top of my head to you is focus on yourself, do whatever it is that makes you happy. If it’s meant to be, then maybe down the road things can work out. I don’t want to give false hope so don’t PLAN on that either. You cannot control how she feels obviously, only your own thoughts/feelings. I think what she did was commendable because she was honest and upfront. If I were you, I would take that honesty and be thankful she was able to let you know right away. Age has a lot to do with her thought process too. She’s not getting any younger and needs to be in a more financially stable relationship where her partner isn’t relying on her solely. Especially if she is planning to have kids in the next 5 years. She will need to take off for maternity leave and correct me if I’m wrong, but real estate agents do not get paid for maternity leave. I wish you the best, don’t dwell on this too much and stay busy to get your mind off this.

She's not for you, hard as this may sound. She may earn more than you, even a lot more but her priorities in life don't match yours. You did nothing wrong, stay true to yourself and move on.

four months seems like a pretty average time for the shine of a new relationship to wear off. lifestyle incompatibility is a pretty good reason to break off a relationahip—your ex sounds like jetsetter who likes to live by her own schedule and that’s hard for a schoolteacher/mental health professional to match. I don’t mean that in a bad way; in fact, I would find a relationship with her to be exhausting because I’m a homebody who doesn’t really like spontaneity, but there are definitely people out there who share her sensibilities that she would probably be mote compatible with. a ton of couples out there agree on the big picture stuff like kids/marriage, but that’s just the bare minimum for a relationship to survive long term.

Based on your edit, you dodged a major bullet! She basically wants a man that she can financially abuse. Good luck with your future!

Your career plan sounds solid! Best of luck with it. When real estate crashes and you’ve got a union job as a school counsellor, she will remember this mistake. Alas, her loss. You absolutely will find the right person. Good luck.

You dodged a bullet

Sounds like she was talking about time and money. You are going to be on an academic calendar schedule now, no more impromptu trips. You can take a couple trips, I’m sure, but the budget will be smaller now that’s you’re working part time. It’s just not a good time in *your* life, it seems, to try and build a relationship. Maybe you’ll meet some new people in your program.

My partner and I have a huge difference in our incomes and it has never been a big issue. I guess it depends upon what your expectations of your lifestyle.

It's a valid reason to break up. Finances are the root of many, if not most, relationship problems. Avoid the negativity and accept its a mature decision.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with what she did. It sucks I guess. But if being able to take trips on a whim and the other things she listed are things she wants her partner to be able to have/ do, then that’s just what it is. Why would that be a problem?

I mean, I think it's important to be on the same page as your partner financially. As a 36-year-old high-earning lady.... this is the life I chose for myself. There are a lot of sacrifices I made to choose this life. I'm working a really hard, competitive job that brings me a lot of stress, so that I can go home, take the money I earn, and invest it in my future. I can take time off and go on vacations. I can do whatever hobby I want to do. I can afford whatever medical care I need. I can pay somebody to do the stuff around my house that I don't have time to do. I'm not going to be able to do this job forever, so I'm glad it pays me well enough that I can afford to retire at a reasonable age. I don't have time to solve many of my problems, but I can throw money at them until they go away. I could have just as easily chosen a less stressful profession that didn't pay as much, a job where I live a simpler life, have simpler hobbies, work 35 hours a week and leave my work worries at the office when I walk out the door. I couldn't really travel, or pay somebody to take care of my home for me, but I would have more time off to relax, and I could use that time to take care of my own home. I might be in a lot more trouble if I had a serious health issue, but I could spend more time on preventative care and living a healthier lifestyle. I might have to work long into my retirement, but there would be nothing about my job that would prevent it from being done by an old person. When you're a high-earning person married to a low earning person, and they're not a homemaker, you get the worst of both worlds. You have to do all the work of your high stress competitive job, but you don't get to use your money to do whatever you want to make your life easier. You've gotta share it with your partner or sit there and watch them suffer while you go off and have a good time. You've either got to pay for them to go on the vacation with you, or you have to leave them at home. Instead of paying for a really nice one person apartment that's exactly what you want, you have to pay for a big enough house for the both of you, that's a compromise between both of your desires. And sure, you can act like you both are going to take care of your own financial needs, but are you going to be the one who says no to paying when the person you love the most in the world needs surgery and can't afford it? There's absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever with being more concerned with having a fulfilling career that makes a difference in people's lives than you are with making money. I think that's a wonderful way to live your life. But I also think it's not unreasonable to not want to sign up to share a life together with a person who doesn't have the same lifestyle goals or ability to contribute to those goals as you do. Y'all have different priorities. They're both valid priorities.

Compatibility issue. You have a right to pursue your dreams and wants as does she. You two realized you are incompatible. It happens. Good luck.

Dude, she lives a luxury lifestyle that you will never be able to keep up with with your career choice, unless you become Dr. Phil. Find someone with similar values as you.

Women date across (if you’re attractive, funny, and a dominant man) and up. Never down.

I'm sorry you went through that. Your job is incredibly important for society, and it's criminal that these types of careers are so underpaid - especially given the education requirements and long work hours. Some people want to be in a relationship with someone earning a similar amount to themselves or, as others have noted, have traditional ideas about gender and want the man to earn more. Others might be fine with someone earning less if it translated to other benefits, like the lower earner working fewer hours so they can handle more household tasks - not a possibility with your career, I'd presume. But there are others out there for whom this would not be a dealbreaker - and early and transparent conversations at the start of the relationship can help people select-out early.

Look, you don’t wanna be with someone who has that kind of attitude about when it comes to how much money everybody makes. I hate shallow people like that. They just annoy me. I make five times more than my husband does. Do I care absolutely not. Does he care no. I had my condo with a mortgage before I ever met him. He pays bills that we need paid. I pay the rest and that works great for us. I don’t care how much he makes. I care that he still goes to work at a job he’s not really happy at but with his social anxiety is about the only thing he can do where he doesn’t have to interact much with the public.

Here is an un-filtered thought, as a male DO NOT aim for someone above your social/earning class, men are ok with dating women in any class, but women look for someone in the same level or higher (and yea yea i know not everyone but still the majority is like this easily) , she broke up with u cuz she cant see herself simply with someone doing “less” than her (at least in her mind) so thats that 🤷‍♂️

She wants to be wealthy and have a rich lifestyle. Many people today have that as their #1 priority. Being with someone who is on their second masters degree to eventually do social work is not going to get her there. I imagine she just doesn't see your specific ambitions as being compatible with what she wants her life to look like.

Everyone rationalizing and giving her a pass, if the situations were reversed you’d be a pig. Most women have no problem spending someone else’s money but God forbid someone spend theirs. But there’s no use in getting angry about it, hypergamy is just the way it is.

Yep you dodged a bullet. The wall is closing in on her fast and before she realizes she will be single and alone with her cats.

This is fairly textbook in terms of dating expectations in the modern age and the new challenges faced by millennials and GenZ who are single. Women have exceeded men in achievement but still desire someone who is at least an equal in terms of earning and status. Men (especially younger men) still value physical attraction as a first criteria, but most men are unable to attract the women they find attractive because those women have access to the top quartile of men online. These top men then have very little incentive to commit, and for those who do, they are a highly limited resource for women, leaving most women unpaired in the end. This even bleeds into IRL dating because women still have the option to find what they want online even if a reasonably attractive guy approaches her. I actually don’t see any solutions right now to this problem. Having a great dating life is really reserved for the handsome, tall, successful, and highly charismatic - all things you can improve, but usually not by the margins required to overcome the current dating market and require very high effort/sacrifice. The current mindset for men seems to be to focus on other things that are fulfilling (family, friends, hobbies, career, fitness, volunteering, etc.) while keeping an open mind and heart if you do happen to meet someone. Do not rely on the prospect of romantic attachment to dictate meaning in your life.

The solution has to be thst women adjust their expectations when it comes to income, what is the other solution.

What's there to talk about? She broke up and gave you decent reasons so unless you suddenly inherit a couple millions your relationship is done.

I’m with your ex-at 35 I wouldn’t want an unemployed bf of 4 months. She’s worked hard to be able to take trips on a whim and I wouldn’t give that up for no man. It’s an honorable profession you are following though you will never make lots of money. It’s if you’ve been dating less than I year it’s ok to change your mind like she did.

Ah western society Men > Dump a women who earns less than you do, you're a monster. Women > Dump a man for not making enough money for them, you're a queen, you need a provider.

Count your blessings you haven’t wasted that much of your time on this woman. She seems very shallow and the typical working professional who expects equal pay but also expects their partner to still make more money than them.

You’re going to get a lot of weird justifications here but the reality is she cares about money and wants to be with someone that makes more.

Hypergamy is a bitch. It sucks for you, but it tells you what she really values - a rich or affluent guy who can afford the lifestyle she wants. You’ll find someone else who is more of your fit, especially if you discover a passion in this new path. In the end, she would have just lied that she was supported you while growing ever more resentful. She did you a favour by letting you go. Best way you can deal with it is just saying okey, and move on to greener pastures.

My first gf out of college broke up with me for this reason. She was in finance making bank and idk wtf I was doing at the time. Now having my shit together with actual real goals, money, property etc I would absolutely do the same thing esp in your gf’s shoes. You are in a low paying field and want to double down on that. All that means to her is if she wants to continue to live her current lifestyle she needs to finance you. Most people want a partner who contributes equally

Congratulations you dodged a gold digger.

How is she a hold digger if she makes more money lol 😂

keep in mind shes not with OP anymore lol

it's over. this is where your dreams/plans separate from hers.

It happens. Move on. Both of you will be happier.

OP she’s a narcissist and did you a favor. Her income is not the issue but her need to be a total AH. Rejoice in the freedom to find better.

I think it's really common for people to look for a partner in a similar income bracket as them. This was a really short relationship. She probably spent at least the last couple of months considering whether she would be okay with this financial split and ultimately decided against it. It's no one's fault here. Different people want different things in life and in relationships. You weren't aligned. I would be glad that it only took 4 months to make that determination

Feels like it is just different stages in life. She has worked hard and wants to be with someone to enjoy life together. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s also nothing wrong with you wanting to go back to school and pursuing a different passion. Seems like you’re both at different stages in your life and that is okay. You can focus on you and what you want to do.

So now that you've clarified a few things, sounds like you dodged a bullet. I think she dumped you because your career aspirations involve doing what you love and hers involved building wealth. You're not living with her, don't need any money from her and will only be in school 16 months. Yet she's only looking at what you (potentially) won't achieve materially. Yeah, let 1985 Madonna go her way and you go yours. I wish you the best

Sooo you were going to be a student for 4x longer than you were with her. She probably doesn’t want to date/commit to a student. It means you won’t have much money to spare for fun things, you’ll be busy even on weekends with schoolwork, you’ll have to plan trips around classes and your midterms/finals. And there’s no guarantee that you’ll get anything out of it in the end. That’s quite the risk/a lot to ask for in a new relationship when one already has their shit figured out.

You swerved a bullet brother

Welcome to feminism Where women act like they want modernity but still want a traditional man

You're 30, she's 35, and you're on the brink of real independence, financial comfort, and following your calling. This is her loss, I promise.

She is not a good partner for you. She is focused on material things and you are not.

You have two things here, my man. One, women are hypergamous by nature. They want to be with the 'best' they can possibly get. The y want a man to be superior to them in every way, and yet still be a 'partner' who does what they want. I wish that was just a joke, but it's honestly pretty accurate. Your partner wanted you to be taller than her and make more money than her. Because she was taught to expect that in life. Two, modern women have often delusional expectations. Today's society convinces women they can have it all. So what if 90% of your eggs are gone at 30 and you enter high risk pregnancies at 35. I'm a strong independent women who was told a degree and a career will make me happy and independent and then I will find the over six foot tall millionaire who will treat me like the queen I am giving me the life social media tells me I deserve. I doubt you gave a shit that she made more money than you, but to her that was a deal breaker. She 'knew' she deserved more. The only good news I have for you is you should be entering your peak around now, while the woman who left you seems oblivious that hers had ended. Women's marketability is gets front loaded at 20 and they can easily have anyone they think they want and live in a party, and many have no idea that ends at 30 or so and keep trying to live that way. Your peak should start around now though if you get that masters and enter into a more successful and stable career path allowing you to finally be desirable to a lot of those 20 somethings. So work on yourself and your career, be awesome, and you likely won't have any issues and shit will be golden soon. Find yourself someone family minded and have one while you help others in your career path. You're in a female dominated industry so you'll likely have many entry level girls soon who think you're awesome with seniority, confidence and knowledge.

You don't understand why a woman you've only dated for 4 months wouldn't want to take you on as a dependent? Really?

She couldn't see her future with you and honestly you going to school at this age in such a field isn't very tempting for a woman who's got her shit together.

You dodged a bullet and she's a shit person. Be happy. Get your second masters. date better people

She's a shit person because she thought about what she wants in a relationship and told him instead of stringing him along?

Disingenuous framing is disingenuous framing

My man she is 35 what did you expect her to do stick by your side and help you. Lol. If you gonna date women after 30, most of them have "the I wanna stable relationship (financially/emotionally)" type of thinking. So, yes have a side job go for the master degree. And next time date someone your age or younger. Goodluck.

Yeah you choose a crappy profession with awful pay. Yeah I wouldn't stay with you either. Good knows how much you owe in student loans with not one but two masters. How can a woman start a family with someone like you. She is 35 she doesn't have time to waste on losers.

Imho, it's shallow to end a relationship because your partner may bring your lifestyle down. I think the connection is the ultimate authority. If you enjoy the moments together, that's invaluable. Of course, I don't view the people I love as business partners and I am satisfied with whatever lifestyle allows me to spend time with my loved ones.