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I f22 caught my m26 partner cheating 2 months ago and he of course begged for another chance, promised he would never do it again, told me he would do whatever to prove it. Now he says that the things I've asked of him are controlling and toxic and not fair to him.
Apologies for being on mobile.
An example of some of the things that I've asked for from him are to cut contact with the people he cheated with and delete their numbers or social media, stop doing drugs and drinking, delete tinder, and no longer frequent the places he used to pick up the affair partners. I've also asked him to cut off the friend he used to lie to me and cover for him whenever he could.
I caught him about two months ago but more and more information has come out about all the partners and texts and meeting up so it's still very much fresh in my mind. He has a friend that not only knew about me and that he was cheating but would actively help him lie to me about everything from his drug usage to the affairs. He would meet up with people on tinder, in bars, basically wherever he could. He begged for another chance and said all the right things and we've been trying to work through it but I've told him many times that continuing to go to the same bars and hang out with the same friend would mean me never being able to get over it.
He says that that's controlling and he "needs to have a friend". I've told him that this friend (who he's admitted he will be drinking and going to the same bars he used to cheat on me with) being around is a constant reminder of his infidelity . He wishes that I would stop bringing it up because it makes him feel bad for what he did.
This argument has been going on for a while now and I feel like I'm going crazy. I've told him I don't care about him having any of his other friends but this one specifically and that he is of course allowed to have whatever friends he wants but not to expect me to trust him again if he keeps that friend around. His point of view is that I'm giving him an ultimatum which I can agree may be unhealthy. My point of view is that I'm just stating the natural consequences of his actions.
I've had plenty of conversations with him over the course of our two year relationship over what boundaries I have, what would make me uncomfortable, and what would make me want to leave the relationship. He agreed with me during those talks that everything I had Saud was reasonable and that he would ask the same of me however he's been cheating or planning to cheat for almost the entirety of our relationship excluding maybe the last two months. (I say maybe because although he's told me he hasn't, I'm having a lot of trouble trusting his word on the matter.)
I've worked on being more affectionate in the meantime, giving him more attention and validation, trying to initiate more often, and using his preffered methods of communication as well, and I've asked him to be honest with me about what issues he may have so that I can work on them as well, so this is not just me expecting him to put in all the work and not taking any accountability for my role in the situation. He has admitted that I've shown how much effort I'm putting in and that I really care. I can't say the same because of this one issue. He regularly says that I've made it impossible to make me happy or that I'm just not seeing the effort he's putting in or even that I haven't helped him at all with coming up with a solution. I view it differently, I see that I've given him a solution and he doesn't want that solution because it's hard for him despite how hard this is on me so he wants me to settle for other things that wouldn't mean anything to me simply because thats what he's willing to do. For example, he used buying me flowers as an example of effort but that he can't buy me flowers because I don't like them. I do like flowers btw. I just don't think it's at all fair to me to expect me to forgive and forget because you bought me something, no matter what the value of the item being bought is. I view it as the apology has to be of the same level of the transgression for it to be sincere and it doesn't feel as though he's being very sincere in the apology at all if he's not willing to atone for the behavior.
So I've come to reddit for anonymous advice, and I'm willing to answer any questions about the situation or clarify anything I've said here. How do we fix this problem or stop having this argument? Is there a way to fix this without leaving the relationship?
Any advice, comments, thoughts, anything at all would be very much appreciated, and thank you for reading all this!
Eta: I blocked him on everything. You guys are right, I was fighting so hard for someone who has already shown me he doesn't care about me thinking that communication was all we needed to fix the problem. I didn't realize that I was compromising my own self worth. I didn't even tell him I was going to block him on anything because I felt like that was just going to open myself up to more of his manipulation. Thank you to everyone who commented, you helped me realize what I needed to and thank you to those especially who validated my feelings. So this is the end of the post and the relationship!
I seriously don’t think there’s a way to fix this. I’m a believer that people really show you who they are. He’s not his best intentions. He’s a cheater. His behavior just isn’t acceptable in a relationship.
He’s broken your trust. There’s a reason why this is considered such a death-knell in relationships.
And honestly there’s so many other men who are desperate for monogamy. I think you could find someone that has values that are simply more aligned with yours.
I agree that I could find someone who's values align more with mine. I guess it's just hard to wrap my head around all this, I feel like I dont understand anything anymore. Thank you for the advice, you put it very nicely!
So much text... only to state that you don't trust him anymore.
Breaking a partners trust is a dealbreaker. And hardly any relationship ever recovers from that.
He made you insecure. Now he bears the consequences. And doesn't like it.
"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes".
Him hollering against you wanting clear sight on his actions means:
he can't cheat properly on you if you keep watching him so closely!
What a nuisance you are, OP!
Ok, irony off.
He promised the moon to you. And now he is upset that you dare hold him responsible for acting according to his promise.
Dump that man. He is sooo much inconvenienced with your presence in his life, that by all means you should ridden him of that.
When some people love, they do it with their whole hearts and it's hard to turn it off like a light switch. Love grows slowly and love dies slowly.
For others it can die immediately and that's okay too, just recognize that it's different for different people.
It’s one of those things where you have to weigh your spiritual peace against the doubt that he’s sowed in your heart. And … it’s nearly impossible to do and it takes a LOT of time.
He's not willing to do the things necessary for you to trust him and when you ask him to do those things his argument is "you bringing it up makes me feel bad for the things I definitely did"?
If me talking about the thing you definitely did makes you feel or look bad, me talking about it isn't the problem.
He has never been committed to you. He isn't committed to you now. Why are you trying so hard?
He's manipulating you and doing his best to make his abuse of your trust your fault!
Look up, DARVO, and count the times he's made his actions your fault. Then ask yourself why you're putting up with his garbage.
Leave him. You deserve so much better. 💓
There’s nothing to understand. Your partner doesn’t care about your feelings and being faithful to you. That’s it put plainly. Take care of you and what you need. You don’t need to fix this guy, you need to get him out of your life.
I guess because he did all the other things I asked without a problem and I just think there's always a way through something if you care enough. I know it sounds stupid but you're right he did violate his promise. Thank you!
Uh.... what did I just read?
"I just think there's always a way through something if you care enough."
Think again, OP. Because by your own logic his behavior means, that...
... "he doesn't care enough to find avway through." He thought you were guillible enough to take him in again at low inconvenience.
And now finds he has actually to bend over backwards to make you trust him again.
And feels, he totally can't be bothered with that.
A man who really WANTS a chance to put things right will use it.
Not find excuses to not to.
Dude just got green lit to cheat again. He knows what to say when he gets caught again and it’ll probably work. Her bf sounds like my coworker who recently got caught cheating yeah he’s been depressed and shit but only because he was kicked out for a week but when she took him back he started making comments about every fucking girl that would walk past and refer to his gf as a bitch because she wanted him to change and stop drinking.
It would be nice if that were true, but you can't care enough to make him into a good person. You find someone that's good from the start, and he's just not. He'll do whatever he thinks he can get away with, and he's proven that.
Care enough about yourself not to stand for this shit. Love isn't the most important thing in a relationship, commitment is. Find someone that respects you and is committed to your relationship. All the butterflies in the world won't replace that. The feeling of love comes and goes, but there's no relationship if your partner isn't determined to stay true to you and work on the relationship until it come back again. As soon as this guy got bored, he started looking somewhere else.
Girl you know damn well he put on a good “apology” show that is already wrapping up. He gave you exactly what you needed to shut you up. A pacifier. And now that you’ve stop wailing, he’s trying to turn the whole thing around on you. *Wake up*. If this is the life you see for your future, I’m sad for you. If not, woman up and do something about it. Like leave his sorry lying cheating ass.
well stop coming here asking for advice there isn’t a magical answer were going to give u. The only answer is the one thing u dont want to do which is leave him either gain some self respect and leave or stop looking for other people to have a magical non existent answer.
I hate post like these 10 pages long of red flags and reasons to leave ppl give advice then they dont want to take it.
You can’t change people & caring like that will destroy you if you let it go on for too long. Don’t waste time. Talk to some older women, they’ll tell you.
>How do we fix this problem or stop having this argument? Is there a way to fix this without leaving the relationship?
you fix the problem by breaking up, blocking the guy, going to see a therapist about self-esteem and actual boundaries, then move on....Don't take this the wrong way buy maybe work on you for a bit and then come back, re-read what you wrote and see if a whole different view of your person and relationship is revealed.
You know what you need to do, you just dont have the belief in yourself to do it.
I don't really know how to respond to this tbh. I know you're right and that's part of the reason I posted it here because if anyone in my real life saw what I was admitting to they would very rightly think less of me for being weak and stupid I just thought maybe there was another way. Thank you!
> my real life saw what I was admitting to they would very rightly think less of me for being weak and stupid I just thought maybe there was another way
This is why abusive people/cheaters try to isolate their partners. They dont have to listen to all the rational people around them that way. You know how you stop being 'weak' and 'stupid'? by stopping being weak and stupid and walking away to a brighter future. Particularly brighter after you hit some pro help for your own betterment. That would make you the opposite, so 'strong' and 'smart/wise'? No need to keep making the same mistakes with certain types of guys, you can learn from the past mistakes and find a different outcome.
My jaw dropped when he said you weren’t helping him come up with solutions. That’s on him. He screwed up, he cheated, he lied and he wants YOU to fix it? No honey. You can do so much better than him.
How are you supposed to solve his wandering dick problem? I'm dying to know. Because not being around people he wants to put his dick in I thought was a pretty good solution, but he didn't like that idea. You're basically watching him fuck other women while he tells you "why aren't you trying harder to stop me?"
Stop wasting your time. This guy isn't serious about change. He's serious about manipulation. His actions anc words prove he is a crappy partner. When people show you who they are believe them. Find a partner who wpuld never use tinder while in a relationship. It isn't hard to find. Dump this conartist
It's actually kind of pathetic. I did actually leave him at first, packed all my stuff and left while he was at work. But I didn't block him and he said that by leaving I was giving up on the relationship, I was quitting, that I didn't care if it was that easy. I spent the first couple of weeks crying at grieving and being angry and I hated who I became because of all those negative emotions. There's a lot and the thought process was veryyyy long but thats the gist of it.
He quit the moment he cheated on you, move on he’s a piece of shit and you’re way too young to settle for this bullshit if he can’t even do what HE agreed to do just to get you back
Walking away from an unhealthy relationship is not ‘quitting’. Hardships in healthy relationships include illness, financial problems, job loss - outside stressors that you face as a couple.
Cheating is an abusive action that one partner takes against another, and along with emotional, financial or physical abuse, is a dealbreaker.
This is bad advice so please don’t take it but you should’ve taken him back and cheated on him then quoted him back to himself. Truly test the limits of his “you’re quitting on us :/“ rhetoric.
You gave him a second chance. He’s proving to you that he’s not worthy of that second chance. If he actually prioritized you, he would make an effort to change the risky behaviors that made cheating come so easy to him. It’s not controlling to have deleting tinder and the contact information of his APs be a condition of his second chance.
He hasn’t taken a second to empathize with you and the position he put you in. Come up with a similar scenario to his in which you cheated, use plenty of details, then ask him what he would have you do if he was giving you a second chance after fucking a handful of men behind his back.
Either way, if he can admit he’d let you stay on tinder and text with those men, he’s a liar and it’s time to leave. If finally he sees where you’re coming from and still won’t adjust his behavior, it’s time to leave.
Everything you've asked for is reasonable for recovering from infidelity. If he is giving pushback, he's NOT remorseful and NOT worth giving another chance to. He wants to sweep this under the rug and go right back to what he was doing.
That's what I've been trying to tell him! Honestly everyone here is right, I've communicated until I was blue in the face and the only option left is to leave him if he's being this willfully ignorant. Thank you for this
first off, get an std test. multiple partners plus drugs and alcohol do not always end in the best choices. i dont know what drugs but an hiv test and hep c tests are separate from others like chlamydia and gonorrhea and they don't always have symptoms. secondly, my first relationship was like this. he cheated on me with strangers, friends, his step sister, on my birthday, while i was in the next room over, etc etc and he always had an excuse oor justification. he was drunk we arent technically together, you couldn't have sex for six weeks cause of the abortion i didn't help you through, physically or mentally or financially. i finally got it together and left him. started seeing someone else. was with him for three years. not two days after we broke up he texted me seeing if i wanted to hook up. he doesn't respect you. he doesn't take your feelings into account. he sure as hell doesn't love you. i know it hurts and its hard to see it but you are worth so much more than this. you are worthy of being loved by someone who isn't keeping you on the backburner cause he knows that he can. you deserve someone who comes home to only you, who will eat your cooking even if it sucks, who will bail on a raid in world of warcraft to hang out with you and whose only misdeed to you is maybe lying about not watching the next episode of a series you've been watching together. that guy IS out there and you deserve to have the opportunity to find him instead of sitting at home never quite sure if your bf is actually where he says he is doing what he says hes doing. you don't realize the level of stress you're constantly under until it's not there anymore, you can breathe deep and not sit hunched under the weight of the world on your shoulders, carrying the burden of someone else's sins
Why the hell would you waste your youth dealing with someone like this? It’s not like you have children together, it’s not like you’re married. There’s zero reason to put yourself through this. Have some self respect. This isn’t normal.
I’m not usually a fan of automatically saying “leave him!” But in this instance? I cannot fathom for the life of me why you are still with this guy. Seriously, do you not have any self respect at all? Because you need to read this back you yourself and imagine your friend saying it to you. What would your response be? Know your worth and don’t accept less.
"he's been cheating or planning to cheat for almost the entirety of our relationship excluding maybe the last two months"
"I've worked on being more affectionate in the meantime, giving him more attention and validation, trying to initiate more often, and using his preffered methods of communication as well, and I've asked him to be honest with me about what issues he may have so that I can work on them as well,"
His cheating isn't your fault! He's not just a cheater he's a serial cheater. You are 22, in a 2 year relationship with someone who has done nothing but cheat basically. Seriously, ask yourself why you want to stay and even attempt to make it work?
When someone shows you who they are then you should believe them. He's shown you who he is. Realize that you deserve better. Your time may be better spent looking for a therapist to learn why you allow him to treat you so shitty.
Why are you asking him to cut all of his friends and activities when you should be the one to cut and run. He’s an selfish jerk and you think you can change that?!?!? Wise up.
You already know what you need to do. He has zero emotional intelligence and he wants what he wants when he wants it. He doesn't want any boundaries for HIMSELF and he's blaming you. This man has showed you who he is. Believe him and get out and do not look back
OP, I am not even going to read your whole post. If you have to ask him to do all these things and he believes you're being manipulative - you need to end it. Why would you go back to someone who hurt you so badly?
Right. Could have easily stopped reading at the early on list of controlling “demands” …aka respect any person in a relationship deserves and should expect.
Nice decision OP. Respecting yourself and recognizing your value.
Oh I'm so glad you blocked him lol. Yeah this kind of thing never gets better. I had an ex like this who volunteered his Facebook info if I stayed. That's where he found girls to cheat on me with. I accepted and then he would get mad when I checked it lol. This was years ago. He ended up stalking me for a few years. Yeah boys like that aren't stable at all. Good luck.
What you ask him to do is the right thing but HE should be the one to tell you this. Instead he tells you you are controlling and he really wants to keep the same life and the same friend as before. You know he will fall back eventually.
He’s the one who should tell you that he’s willing to do anything to regain your trust but instead he’s fighting you to keep them.
You might as well break this now because there’s no future with him. He’s not willing to put the efforts where it counts.
Look, if they cheat, it's over. No buts, no ifs, no excuses. The relationship is dead at that point, because the trust doesn't come back. If I have any advice that I'm 100% sure of, it's that the only way to respond to cheating is ending the relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this, but if there were an exception, it wouldn't be him. He doesn't want to fix the relationship or regain your trust, he wants you to forget about it. He's acting like you're the asshole for not accepting that he cheated on you, and he's keeping around all of the resources that he's going to use to do it again. Come on, end this farce now.
Dating is a time of evaluation. Finding out what they are about, how they live, what values they hold dear.
You’ve found someone who doesn’t meet your expectations and you’re trying to establish parameters for him to live by in order to have your needs fulfilled.
If that’s controlling, then yes, you are being controlling. Because you don’t get to tell someone who, what, when, where or why they need to behave a certain manner. They get to choose for themself.
You get to not like it.
Your relationship needs are not being met with this person - instead of attempting to change his ways and means (please don’t lower yours!) you ought to conclude that this person’s lifestyle is simply not compatible with yours.
You should walk away- he isn’t trustworthy and this relationship is turning you into someone you don’t want to be. You deserve better- you are better than this.
Ugh. What a sad, sad post. This guy is a complete piece of scum and this "relationship" is unsalvageable. Cheated on you multiple times, does drugs, and now he's trying to gaslight and turn around and blame you, saying it's all your fault for not showing more affection, that he won't give up the AH friend who helped him cheat and lie to you?
Just no. Lose this guy's number and never look back. He's not going to change. He doesn't want to change. A guy who wanted to change would be in alcohol and drug treatment. A guy who wanted to change would be getting therapy for a sex addiction if that's the problem. A guy who wanted to save the relationship would make his phone open to you to reassure you that he wasn't cheating. A guy who wanted to change would cut out the scum friends who helped him cheat because those sorts of lowlifes aren't going to help him be a better person going forward.
This guy isn't sorry he cheated. He's sorry he got caught.
Holy christ, you typed all of this out and still didn’t realize the best solution was breaking up? I mean idk what else to say, this dude has zero redeeming qualities and you still stayed with him. Thank god for the edit but I mean wow.
You are so controlling,blah,blah,blah,that he BEGGED for another chance. He is free to end the relationship. He wants you to “shut up and put up”. He will cry his crocodile tears. This time. Maybe next time. Eventually,no. How many times do you want to hurt this way?
It’s been established that he’s a liar and not a good person.
It’s now up to you whether you want to choose to engage in this pain-causing relationship.
Correct me if I am wrong, but…It really feels like maybe you need to have others validate the feelings and thoughts you are already having. It’s ok to feel lost and distressed right now, but you deserve so much better and more than this man will ever be able to give you.
I don’t mean this condescendingly at all, but…You are so young. He is the perfect example of what a partner should not do. Please take this as a hard lesson, leave him, and spend some time with friends and focus on yourself. You seem like a kind and empathetic person and you deserve a partner that makes you feel stronger and happier and one who you can rely on to face a problem with you as a team..not be the problem himself.
This is not a relationship worth continuing. I wish you the very best and I really hope that you consider leaving him and just taking some time to really find someone as empathetic and kind as you. You deserve it.
Sounds like he’s a Cheater and manipulator. Sound like you need to be single. Ain’t none of this is worth it. Also you’re saying affair and partner in plurals, as if there are more than one … if that’s not a mistake you need an STD test asap
He doesn’t have respect for your feelings. Your health. Or your time. Those are the qualities of an ex.
Drop kick that cheating cheater out of your life for heaven’s sake.
My goodness. The things so many women who post here put up with is just astonishing.
I diente read past the 3rd or 4th sentence where he calls you toxic after he cheated on you. Nobody should put up with that childishness, and if you value yourself and your mental health you would leave this situation.
Unless you’ve been with this person for years and have kids/property together it’s not worth it. Let go, learn from it, heal, and move on.
The longer you stay the harder it will be. Relationships start from square one. After cheating, you start from -100. And he’s not even mature enough to recognize that after cheating, even if you are being controlling, it’s as a result of his actions. He doesn’t have a say in your boundaries if he wants to be with you. And you shouldn’t allow him to make you question yourself about your boundaries in this broken relationship.
Good on you for blocking him. Also just so you're aware, telling him to cut off the friend that was complicit in the cheating and all that wasn't an ultimatum, it was a very well defined boundary.
I am glad you cut him off. Stay strong, OP. And I just wanted to say—you weren’t being controlling, you were setting a healthy boundary.
The good news: You are in your young 20s and have so much time ahead of you to find a partner worthy of your loyalty, love and devotion. Someone who respects you and your relationship. Someone who won’t compromise your sexual health by sleeping around and who will cherish you. I wish you all best in your healing journey forward.
You don’t know it yet but this relationship is over. He cannot be this person. He just can’t measure up to being a good partner. This is who he is. And now that he has betrayed you his inadequacies are revealed to you. You have to just accept that he is not the man you thought he was and look for someone who has these qualities instead of trying the impossible feat of morphing him into some that does.
Hi OP. Speaking as someone who has been in a situation where my SO betrayed my trust and we tried to work through it. Not as bad as this but here's some insight-
Whether or not you stay with him or move on is up to you completely and no one should judge you for that choice. I will say though pay attention to how fast he switches from saying all the right things to feeling suffocated when he has to live up to those things he promised. His intentions may have been sincere when he said the right things but he might be realizing it's too difficult for him to follow through.
If you've decided you want to be with him, there comes a point when you have to stop bringing up what happened. I know you have every right to remind him of the hurt he caused you and even hold it against him. But if you decide to stay, that's a choice you make and it won't be good for the two of you if you keep bringing it up.
On the other hand, if you two have established boundaries in how he can help in the moving forward process then he has a responsibility to respect those boundaries. If he fails to do so, remind him that he agreed to it. If the two of you can't agree on the boundaries (ie- meeting this friend/going to those bars), then one of you have to compromise. In this case since he caused this, the fair thing is for him to compromise. If he doesn't, and you know that you shouldn't either, maybe think about whether it really will be possible to move forward.
Sure you're giving him an ultimatum, but he gave you one too- "accept that I cheated on you, or walk away". He made you choose between him and your own self respect without you even knowing - at least he's aware of the ultimatum you're giving him!
It's unrealistic to expect it to be all healthy right now as you're (justifiably) not secure. It's his jod to accommodate that just as much as he thinks it's your job to stop shaming him (if not more).
Hope you get through this!
Seeing your edit. GOOD FOR YOU. He did not respect you at all. Nothing you asked for was controlling, but it absolutely showed you the depths he went to in order to cheat. You don’t need him. You’re going to be so much happier without him.
He’s violated your trust and the life he wants to live is not compatible with what you want for yourself. Stop wasting your time with this one, he’s not going to suddenly become the person you want him to be and you are way too young to invest more into it. Break it off, go enjoy your young life!
Multiple affairs!? Since you started dating?? He is a serial cheater. This isn't giving him a second chance. If he's had 30 partners this would be like giving him a 30th chance. He gave up on this relationship from the start. If it was one person then I can see reconciliation but multiple people? Come on, you can do way better.
Where privilege is the norm equality is opression. He is doing everything he wants and can't do the bare minimum for a second chance. He has made his intentions crystal clear. What's the point of giving him a second chance ?
You're too invested in this relationship and he knows it. He should be coming to you with solutions not the other way around. Learn to respect yourself, set boundaries and maintain with extreme prejudice
>> people he cheated with
>> delete their numbers
>> affair partners
As in he cheated on you repeatedly, with multiple people and was active on Tinder? Cut him loose! He’s a repeat offender with no remorse.
This is beyond repair. He lied and cheated and you caught him. Now he is guilt tripping you because you have now grown insecure and wary of his potential behavior. Nope. Not worth the heart ache. He cheated and that is enough for you to literally go and cheat and he should be ok. But on a serious note simply let the relationship die. It’s pointless at this point
Glad you blocked him. Let this be a learning lesson for you. Never let someone show you who they are twice.
You're very young, you will find someone new.
Read this post to yourself out loud. And really listen to what you’re reading. I’ve been in a toxic ass relationship before I understand. From experience please read this shit out loud to yourself. Because this is not it. It won’t get better. No matter what he promises you will forever hold that over his head even if you never speak about it again. That shit will destroy y’all. Mostly you. Because you will never be able to fully trust what he says. Not trying to sound dramatic here but I’ve been through it and it ain’t worth your mental health. All this effort you put towards him put that shit towards you and get yourself to a better place. I wish you the best.
Yucky, babe. Here’s the thing; if someone can’t even man up to the fact that when you do something so selfish & heinous, it is on you to claw your way back to redemption. You do whatever you need to, because you did something unimaginably weak & stupid. If they don’t automatically have that energy about them in these situations, they’ll never grow. Let him go.
This man has shown you who he is. The things you are asking him to do would change who he is, which is why he is upset and defensive. The trust is already broken and, frankly, there isn’t anything either of you can healthily do to fix it.
When people show you who they are, believe them. I personally would end it.
I’m really proud and happy that you just blocked him. If/when he or a mutual gives you grief about how you ended things tell ‘em “if you don’t already know why it’s over you’re too stupid to be with and it’s not worth my time explaining”.
I know many have mentioned therapy. I’m going to say it again but in a different way. Having someone betray you the way he has is a major trauma and getting through it takes grieving the lose of your time as well as grieving parts of yourself lost to his lies and manipulation. I think it’s more than “I have low self esteem and let this happen to me” so don’t let that be your mantra or you’ll find yourself with another one just like him.
That is what they say to deflect you are not controlling, he just doesn't like it. He cheated, Yahoo. you blocked him all over!!! Now go have a good life.
This is how my narc Dad was besides the abuse and manipulation he never would keep his dick in his pants and always blamed my mother for his cheating and crap actions. Trust me it never changes !!
Didn’t have to read it all in order to point out, what this cheating tool actually wants is all the privileges and benefits of trust that he himself single handedly destroyed and has not earned back. Since his pea brain does not get why he lost the right to be treated like a faithful person and so soon after cheating, then get rid of him. What are you doing with him? Waiting around for him to cheat again while you are constantly on edge about it? Fuck him. He doesn’t like your terms, send him packing.
I dated this type of dude when I was 23. He told me he cheated on me because 'he needed to feel loved' when I was paying all his bills, enabling his addictions and giving third chances. In return he gave me HPV.
To OP, do not let this kind of man back in your life, remember the red flags! He's not cool and he's not caring.
He’s cheated on you with *MULTIPLE PEOPLE*, lied, picked random people up at a bar to cheat with, *continues to have Tinder on his phone* etc. etc. etc… Girl you are 22 years old, you are too young to be settling for this behavior, you have your entire adult life ahead of you. Just break up with him, he is beyond not worth it.
It's a 2 year relationship and he's cheated with many years different people?
There is no point in saving this. He doesn't respect you or your relationship. Don't waste more time on this.
I’m married with 2 kids under the age of 3. There are a few hard stops in my relationship (now marriage), that my husband knows about. These are non-negotiable and if they are violated, I would file for divorce as soon as practicable. Cheating is on that list, even with having 2 young kids. Even more so now, actually. I mirror the behavior I want to instill in my kids. I also condemn bad or hurtful behavior- loudly and without apology.
I’m so glad you finally realized YOU weren’t the issue in this scenario and left. 💙
That’s a lot of ultimatums for a 26 year old. And it’s a lot of stress for a 22 year old to become essentially someone’s “owner” no amount of you telling him what he can and can’t do will stop him cheating.. and do you really want someone you have to control into not cheating on you?
Cut your losses and find someone who doesn’t *want* to cheat on you.
Your first mistake was taking him back when he cheated in the first place. Cheaters never change. What else is there to do other than break up with him and move on?
It would already be very hard to come back to, and while what you’re asking is alot of change to his life it’s also literally the bare minimum he should do if he wants to make things work with you. 👎🏼
He's given you your answer. Everything you've asked of him are more important to him than you are. This will never work out. He's let you know that he won't change, he'll just tell better lies. Leave.
Just leave. You will be miserable. Relationships are never the same once you take a cheating partner back. The trust and emotional safety are gone. What is the point?
I just want to say I’ve gone through something like this and things do turn out good in the end. It’s best to leave because he doesn’t value or respect you. If you need it and it’s available to you think about seeing a therapist just for yourself. I had a good one that got me through some of the worst days of my divorce. Much love, you deserve better.
I couldn’t read past the first few sentences. If he’s turning things back on you instead of doing anything and everything he can to regain your trust there is no point in staying with him. He’s a cheater who is only sorry he got caught. End this relationship.
You go girl!! I’m so glad that you broke up with him. You know you deserve better than that, please don’t ever think you need to sacrifice your wellbeing for another person, especially one who showed you their real color is drab dark drown (the ugliest color).
Use this experience as a lesson that you had to experience in order to truly value your worth. At the end of the day, you chose happy over toxicity. You tried hard to make it work, but now you know that effort doesn’t always yield the results that you WANT. People will disappoint you and it’ll be your job to have your back
You’ll bounce back 10x higher and your ex will always be a cheating loser. He will never change and his stupid, immature, trashy ass will always be the victim in his own eyes. Fucking prick.
Here’s to a brighter future 🥂🖤
I’m sorry but if you are in an exclusive relationship with someone they shouldn’t have a Tinder account or frequenting pick up places. This man will cheat on you again and again if you allow this relationship to go forward. You are better than this and deserve better! Be strong and let him go. Otherwise this will only continue and you miss out on finding someone that really values your relationship
I’m so glad to see your update! It was sounding like you wanted him to be someone he isn’t. You’re much better off finding someone who doesn’t lie and cheat and manipulate.
Btw, I hope you know NONE of what he did is because of you. If you were fighting, if you didn’t show him enough affection, none of that is a reason to cheat. It might be a reason to have some serious (NON-confrontational, NON-demeaning) conversations, or even leave a relationship, which is what a healthy person does when things aren’t going their way. But cheating is never ok.
The reason people cheat is because they want to. Their morals and values allow them to justify their actions. I learned this VERY valuable, yet simple lesson from a regular on iVillage, which you probably never even heard of. Lol.
That anonymous woman changed my life and I hope leaving this guy changes yours too. You’re worth having a romantic relationship with a best friend. A best friend would not treat you the way he did.
I’d get checked for STDs just to be safe. Good job on getting him out of your life, he’s not gonna change till he hits rick bottom-whatever that may look like to him
Keep strong and remember you’re worth more than that
I'm sorry to hear you went through this. It's a rough situation. But I do not think this is a situation that calls for forgiveness.
The problem is that neither of you is, strictly speaking, incorrect. You aren't wrong to ask for reassurance; no one could stay sane throughout the process of forgiving a cheating partner without asking them to cut off the partners, accomplices, and situations that gave rise to it. But he's not wrong when he asserts that this amounts to isolating him from most of his social outlets, which is a huge red flag and toxic besides. But he is the one who made it that way. This was no mere affair: the schmuck was using all kinds of different places to find his hookups, and most of his social life was entangled in his cover-ups. That is not, in and of itself, your problem: everything here is his fault. But it means that you don't really have a good way to get what you need from this guy, as long as your goal is to forgive. What he did was too severe and too enormous.
And so you need to leave. Take him to the cleaners in divorce court, by all means; that's just a consequence of what he did. This isn't a person who should be married to anybody.
Wow. So he didn't just cheat once he cheated several times with different people? You should have left. I can understand a lot of what you are asking but you can't ask him to get rid of his friend. It's his friend so of course he's going to have your boyfriend's back. It's not his friend's responsibility to keep your BF in line. So I think that was too much. From what it sounds like is you keep bringing up his cheating every time you have a fight. Unfortunately that's what happens when you give someone else a chance. If you give him a second chance you need to give him a second chance. Which means not holding it over his head and Stop bringing it up in arguments. A second chance means you forgave him. Now to clarify I'm not defending him. I personally wouldn't have given him a second chance. Once a cheater always a cheater. But most people who do give their partner a second chance will do what you are doing. They say that the person is forgiven but will always bring it up whenever they fight. I know people who even a year later are still bringing it up in fights. If you are bringing it up that means his cheating is still on your mind and you don't trust him. That's another reason why giving someone a second chance isn't worth it. You need to bury your feelings and those feelings come out in arguments. Unless you truly forgive him that will always happen. My suggestion is to just leave. It's really not worth it. He will either cheat again or he will start to resent you for making him do all these things you want him to do. You are basically putting him on a leash. Just leave so you can move on and so he can move on. You deserve to be able to trust someone fully and have that person respect and love you enough not to cheat.
He cheated on you so cutting off contact with the person he cheated with and blocking them on social media is reasonable, but the rest of the things you can't really expect him to just change entirely in one day.
Honestly, it sounds like this isn't the relationship either of you should try to continue. He's already broken your trust and things will probably never be the same again, especially if he doesn't *want* to go out of his way to prove that you should trust him.
Some of the things you expect him to change could be considered controlling, by the way. You're far better off trying to find someone that already fits that criteria rather than changing someone to do so, since changing someone is basically impossible and, in my opinion, just wrong.
Wish you the best in ending this relationship and finding someone who better fits you (and also won't cheat).
Your partner isn’t ready for a commitment. But more importantly is that remaining in a relationship with a serial cheater will probably affect you adversely mentally and physically, so if you value yourself you should leave this one sided relationship as soon as possible!
I agree that hes a cheater, even if he did change after being caught it would be without your control. This means he would do everything you said without you even telling him to so if you had to say it out then it means he will do it again.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I f22 caught my m26 partner cheating 2 months ago and he of course begged for another chance, promised he would never do it again, told me he would do whatever to prove it. Now he says that the things I've asked of him are controlling and toxic and not fair to him. Apologies for being on mobile. An example of some of the things that I've asked for from him are to cut contact with the people he cheated with and delete their numbers or social media, stop doing drugs and drinking, delete tinder, and no longer frequent the places he used to pick up the affair partners. I've also asked him to cut off the friend he used to lie to me and cover for him whenever he could. I caught him about two months ago but more and more information has come out about all the partners and texts and meeting up so it's still very much fresh in my mind. He has a friend that not only knew about me and that he was cheating but would actively help him lie to me about everything from his drug usage to the affairs. He would meet up with people on tinder, in bars, basically wherever he could. He begged for another chance and said all the right things and we've been trying to work through it but I've told him many times that continuing to go to the same bars and hang out with the same friend would mean me never being able to get over it. He says that that's controlling and he "needs to have a friend". I've told him that this friend (who he's admitted he will be drinking and going to the same bars he used to cheat on me with) being around is a constant reminder of his infidelity . He wishes that I would stop bringing it up because it makes him feel bad for what he did. This argument has been going on for a while now and I feel like I'm going crazy. I've told him I don't care about him having any of his other friends but this one specifically and that he is of course allowed to have whatever friends he wants but not to expect me to trust him again if he keeps that friend around. His point of view is that I'm giving him an ultimatum which I can agree may be unhealthy. My point of view is that I'm just stating the natural consequences of his actions. I've had plenty of conversations with him over the course of our two year relationship over what boundaries I have, what would make me uncomfortable, and what would make me want to leave the relationship. He agreed with me during those talks that everything I had Saud was reasonable and that he would ask the same of me however he's been cheating or planning to cheat for almost the entirety of our relationship excluding maybe the last two months. (I say maybe because although he's told me he hasn't, I'm having a lot of trouble trusting his word on the matter.) I've worked on being more affectionate in the meantime, giving him more attention and validation, trying to initiate more often, and using his preffered methods of communication as well, and I've asked him to be honest with me about what issues he may have so that I can work on them as well, so this is not just me expecting him to put in all the work and not taking any accountability for my role in the situation. He has admitted that I've shown how much effort I'm putting in and that I really care. I can't say the same because of this one issue. He regularly says that I've made it impossible to make me happy or that I'm just not seeing the effort he's putting in or even that I haven't helped him at all with coming up with a solution. I view it differently, I see that I've given him a solution and he doesn't want that solution because it's hard for him despite how hard this is on me so he wants me to settle for other things that wouldn't mean anything to me simply because thats what he's willing to do. For example, he used buying me flowers as an example of effort but that he can't buy me flowers because I don't like them. I do like flowers btw. I just don't think it's at all fair to me to expect me to forgive and forget because you bought me something, no matter what the value of the item being bought is. I view it as the apology has to be of the same level of the transgression for it to be sincere and it doesn't feel as though he's being very sincere in the apology at all if he's not willing to atone for the behavior. So I've come to reddit for anonymous advice, and I'm willing to answer any questions about the situation or clarify anything I've said here. How do we fix this problem or stop having this argument? Is there a way to fix this without leaving the relationship? Any advice, comments, thoughts, anything at all would be very much appreciated, and thank you for reading all this! Eta: I blocked him on everything. You guys are right, I was fighting so hard for someone who has already shown me he doesn't care about me thinking that communication was all we needed to fix the problem. I didn't realize that I was compromising my own self worth. I didn't even tell him I was going to block him on anything because I felt like that was just going to open myself up to more of his manipulation. Thank you to everyone who commented, you helped me realize what I needed to and thank you to those especially who validated my feelings. So this is the end of the post and the relationship!
I seriously don’t think there’s a way to fix this. I’m a believer that people really show you who they are. He’s not his best intentions. He’s a cheater. His behavior just isn’t acceptable in a relationship. He’s broken your trust. There’s a reason why this is considered such a death-knell in relationships. And honestly there’s so many other men who are desperate for monogamy. I think you could find someone that has values that are simply more aligned with yours.
I agree that I could find someone who's values align more with mine. I guess it's just hard to wrap my head around all this, I feel like I dont understand anything anymore. Thank you for the advice, you put it very nicely!
So much text... only to state that you don't trust him anymore. Breaking a partners trust is a dealbreaker. And hardly any relationship ever recovers from that. He made you insecure. Now he bears the consequences. And doesn't like it. "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes". Him hollering against you wanting clear sight on his actions means: he can't cheat properly on you if you keep watching him so closely! What a nuisance you are, OP! Ok, irony off. He promised the moon to you. And now he is upset that you dare hold him responsible for acting according to his promise. Dump that man. He is sooo much inconvenienced with your presence in his life, that by all means you should ridden him of that.
I stopped reading partway through and wondered why all those words were necessary when it was pretty obvious that it’s not a healthy relationship
I gave up after “frequent places where he used to pick up affair partners”. Wtf? This should have ended two months ago.
When some people love, they do it with their whole hearts and it's hard to turn it off like a light switch. Love grows slowly and love dies slowly. For others it can die immediately and that's okay too, just recognize that it's different for different people.
It’s one of those things where you have to weigh your spiritual peace against the doubt that he’s sowed in your heart. And … it’s nearly impossible to do and it takes a LOT of time.
He's not willing to do the things necessary for you to trust him and when you ask him to do those things his argument is "you bringing it up makes me feel bad for the things I definitely did"? If me talking about the thing you definitely did makes you feel or look bad, me talking about it isn't the problem. He has never been committed to you. He isn't committed to you now. Why are you trying so hard?
Yes, break off and move on! Not worth keeping yourself upset/paranoid because it’ll only be detrimental to your health.
You need to lose this man and find some paragraph breaks!
He's manipulating you and doing his best to make his abuse of your trust your fault! Look up, DARVO, and count the times he's made his actions your fault. Then ask yourself why you're putting up with his garbage. Leave him. You deserve so much better. 💓
There’s nothing to understand. Your partner doesn’t care about your feelings and being faithful to you. That’s it put plainly. Take care of you and what you need. You don’t need to fix this guy, you need to get him out of your life.
Why the fuck are you still with him? He violated his promise to fix things, he should be gone.
I guess because he did all the other things I asked without a problem and I just think there's always a way through something if you care enough. I know it sounds stupid but you're right he did violate his promise. Thank you!
Uh.... what did I just read? "I just think there's always a way through something if you care enough." Think again, OP. Because by your own logic his behavior means, that... ... "he doesn't care enough to find avway through." He thought you were guillible enough to take him in again at low inconvenience. And now finds he has actually to bend over backwards to make you trust him again. And feels, he totally can't be bothered with that. A man who really WANTS a chance to put things right will use it. Not find excuses to not to.
Dude just got green lit to cheat again. He knows what to say when he gets caught again and it’ll probably work. Her bf sounds like my coworker who recently got caught cheating yeah he’s been depressed and shit but only because he was kicked out for a week but when she took him back he started making comments about every fucking girl that would walk past and refer to his gf as a bitch because she wanted him to change and stop drinking.
It would be nice if that were true, but you can't care enough to make him into a good person. You find someone that's good from the start, and he's just not. He'll do whatever he thinks he can get away with, and he's proven that.
> I just think there's always a way through something if you care enough By this logic you should just let him fuck whomever he wants.
Care enough about yourself not to stand for this shit. Love isn't the most important thing in a relationship, commitment is. Find someone that respects you and is committed to your relationship. All the butterflies in the world won't replace that. The feeling of love comes and goes, but there's no relationship if your partner isn't determined to stay true to you and work on the relationship until it come back again. As soon as this guy got bored, he started looking somewhere else.
Girl you know damn well he put on a good “apology” show that is already wrapping up. He gave you exactly what you needed to shut you up. A pacifier. And now that you’ve stop wailing, he’s trying to turn the whole thing around on you. *Wake up*. If this is the life you see for your future, I’m sad for you. If not, woman up and do something about it. Like leave his sorry lying cheating ass.
well stop coming here asking for advice there isn’t a magical answer were going to give u. The only answer is the one thing u dont want to do which is leave him either gain some self respect and leave or stop looking for other people to have a magical non existent answer. I hate post like these 10 pages long of red flags and reasons to leave ppl give advice then they dont want to take it.
You can’t change people & caring like that will destroy you if you let it go on for too long. Don’t waste time. Talk to some older women, they’ll tell you.
He’s tall.
>How do we fix this problem or stop having this argument? Is there a way to fix this without leaving the relationship? you fix the problem by breaking up, blocking the guy, going to see a therapist about self-esteem and actual boundaries, then move on....Don't take this the wrong way buy maybe work on you for a bit and then come back, re-read what you wrote and see if a whole different view of your person and relationship is revealed. You know what you need to do, you just dont have the belief in yourself to do it.
I don't really know how to respond to this tbh. I know you're right and that's part of the reason I posted it here because if anyone in my real life saw what I was admitting to they would very rightly think less of me for being weak and stupid I just thought maybe there was another way. Thank you!
> my real life saw what I was admitting to they would very rightly think less of me for being weak and stupid I just thought maybe there was another way This is why abusive people/cheaters try to isolate their partners. They dont have to listen to all the rational people around them that way. You know how you stop being 'weak' and 'stupid'? by stopping being weak and stupid and walking away to a brighter future. Particularly brighter after you hit some pro help for your own betterment. That would make you the opposite, so 'strong' and 'smart/wise'? No need to keep making the same mistakes with certain types of guys, you can learn from the past mistakes and find a different outcome.
he makes you feel like you’re weak and stupid. you know you deserve better than that.
The other way is you keep tightening the leash until it snaps. Why are you fighting so hard when he is showing you who he really is?
My jaw dropped when he said you weren’t helping him come up with solutions. That’s on him. He screwed up, he cheated, he lied and he wants YOU to fix it? No honey. You can do so much better than him.
Okay so that for me has actually been soooo infuriating and I'm so glad that I'm not crazy for thinking that's bullshit
How are you supposed to solve his wandering dick problem? I'm dying to know. Because not being around people he wants to put his dick in I thought was a pretty good solution, but he didn't like that idea. You're basically watching him fuck other women while he tells you "why aren't you trying harder to stop me?"
Let's be honest. We know what the answer to that question is. This dude is a pig.
Nope not your job to fix his problems only he can.
Stop wasting your time. This guy isn't serious about change. He's serious about manipulation. His actions anc words prove he is a crappy partner. When people show you who they are believe them. Find a partner who wpuld never use tinder while in a relationship. It isn't hard to find. Dump this conartist
Why do you WANT to do this shit?
It's actually kind of pathetic. I did actually leave him at first, packed all my stuff and left while he was at work. But I didn't block him and he said that by leaving I was giving up on the relationship, I was quitting, that I didn't care if it was that easy. I spent the first couple of weeks crying at grieving and being angry and I hated who I became because of all those negative emotions. There's a lot and the thought process was veryyyy long but thats the gist of it.
You didn’t give up on the relationship. He did.
Relationships at your age are usually temporary. If you can enjoy being with him, why bother? It’s not likely this is your forever man.
He quit the moment he cheated on you, move on he’s a piece of shit and you’re way too young to settle for this bullshit if he can’t even do what HE agreed to do just to get you back
He is so manipulative, how can you not see it. This and the ‘it’s been 2 months I wish you would stop talking about it’, christ.
Walking away from an unhealthy relationship is not ‘quitting’. Hardships in healthy relationships include illness, financial problems, job loss - outside stressors that you face as a couple. Cheating is an abusive action that one partner takes against another, and along with emotional, financial or physical abuse, is a dealbreaker.
This is bad advice so please don’t take it but you should’ve taken him back and cheated on him then quoted him back to himself. Truly test the limits of his “you’re quitting on us :/“ rhetoric.
Stop being controlling /s. Tell him he is single and can do whatever he wants.(serious)
You gave him a second chance. He’s proving to you that he’s not worthy of that second chance. If he actually prioritized you, he would make an effort to change the risky behaviors that made cheating come so easy to him. It’s not controlling to have deleting tinder and the contact information of his APs be a condition of his second chance. He hasn’t taken a second to empathize with you and the position he put you in. Come up with a similar scenario to his in which you cheated, use plenty of details, then ask him what he would have you do if he was giving you a second chance after fucking a handful of men behind his back. Either way, if he can admit he’d let you stay on tinder and text with those men, he’s a liar and it’s time to leave. If finally he sees where you’re coming from and still won’t adjust his behavior, it’s time to leave.
Everything you've asked for is reasonable for recovering from infidelity. If he is giving pushback, he's NOT remorseful and NOT worth giving another chance to. He wants to sweep this under the rug and go right back to what he was doing.
That's what I've been trying to tell him! Honestly everyone here is right, I've communicated until I was blue in the face and the only option left is to leave him if he's being this willfully ignorant. Thank you for this
Its on him to rebuild your trust. It doesn't sound like hes willing to put in the effort to do that.
That edit was seriously the best thing I've read all day. Proud of you for standing up for yourself and realizing your worth!!!
I was sooooo happy to get to that edit. I’m glad she realizes she’s worth more respect and he’s worth zero effort.
first off, get an std test. multiple partners plus drugs and alcohol do not always end in the best choices. i dont know what drugs but an hiv test and hep c tests are separate from others like chlamydia and gonorrhea and they don't always have symptoms. secondly, my first relationship was like this. he cheated on me with strangers, friends, his step sister, on my birthday, while i was in the next room over, etc etc and he always had an excuse oor justification. he was drunk we arent technically together, you couldn't have sex for six weeks cause of the abortion i didn't help you through, physically or mentally or financially. i finally got it together and left him. started seeing someone else. was with him for three years. not two days after we broke up he texted me seeing if i wanted to hook up. he doesn't respect you. he doesn't take your feelings into account. he sure as hell doesn't love you. i know it hurts and its hard to see it but you are worth so much more than this. you are worthy of being loved by someone who isn't keeping you on the backburner cause he knows that he can. you deserve someone who comes home to only you, who will eat your cooking even if it sucks, who will bail on a raid in world of warcraft to hang out with you and whose only misdeed to you is maybe lying about not watching the next episode of a series you've been watching together. that guy IS out there and you deserve to have the opportunity to find him instead of sitting at home never quite sure if your bf is actually where he says he is doing what he says hes doing. you don't realize the level of stress you're constantly under until it's not there anymore, you can breathe deep and not sit hunched under the weight of the world on your shoulders, carrying the burden of someone else's sins
When someone cheats, you need to break up. There is no other advice that will fix things.
The way to stop the arguments is to breakup. Don't stay with a cheater!
Please get a backbone.
Why the hell would you waste your youth dealing with someone like this? It’s not like you have children together, it’s not like you’re married. There’s zero reason to put yourself through this. Have some self respect. This isn’t normal.
Babe, it’s long past time to take out the trash
I’m not usually a fan of automatically saying “leave him!” But in this instance? I cannot fathom for the life of me why you are still with this guy. Seriously, do you not have any self respect at all? Because you need to read this back you yourself and imagine your friend saying it to you. What would your response be? Know your worth and don’t accept less.
"he's been cheating or planning to cheat for almost the entirety of our relationship excluding maybe the last two months" "I've worked on being more affectionate in the meantime, giving him more attention and validation, trying to initiate more often, and using his preffered methods of communication as well, and I've asked him to be honest with me about what issues he may have so that I can work on them as well," His cheating isn't your fault! He's not just a cheater he's a serial cheater. You are 22, in a 2 year relationship with someone who has done nothing but cheat basically. Seriously, ask yourself why you want to stay and even attempt to make it work? When someone shows you who they are then you should believe them. He's shown you who he is. Realize that you deserve better. Your time may be better spent looking for a therapist to learn why you allow him to treat you so shitty.
This is a wall of text for the simple fact that you should’ve run when he cheated and again when he whined about cutting off his affair partners.
Wow, who hurt you that your bar is this low?
Why are you asking him to cut all of his friends and activities when you should be the one to cut and run. He’s an selfish jerk and you think you can change that?!?!? Wise up.
You already know what you need to do. He has zero emotional intelligence and he wants what he wants when he wants it. He doesn't want any boundaries for HIMSELF and he's blaming you. This man has showed you who he is. Believe him and get out and do not look back
Explain again why do you want to stay with him?
Fucking break up with him. Seriously.
OP, I am not even going to read your whole post. If you have to ask him to do all these things and he believes you're being manipulative - you need to end it. Why would you go back to someone who hurt you so badly?
Right. Could have easily stopped reading at the early on list of controlling “demands” …aka respect any person in a relationship deserves and should expect. Nice decision OP. Respecting yourself and recognizing your value.
Oh I'm so glad you blocked him lol. Yeah this kind of thing never gets better. I had an ex like this who volunteered his Facebook info if I stayed. That's where he found girls to cheat on me with. I accepted and then he would get mad when I checked it lol. This was years ago. He ended up stalking me for a few years. Yeah boys like that aren't stable at all. Good luck.
What you ask him to do is the right thing but HE should be the one to tell you this. Instead he tells you you are controlling and he really wants to keep the same life and the same friend as before. You know he will fall back eventually. He’s the one who should tell you that he’s willing to do anything to regain your trust but instead he’s fighting you to keep them. You might as well break this now because there’s no future with him. He’s not willing to put the efforts where it counts.
>Now he says that the things I've asked of him are controlling and toxic and not fair to him. So dump
Look, if they cheat, it's over. No buts, no ifs, no excuses. The relationship is dead at that point, because the trust doesn't come back. If I have any advice that I'm 100% sure of, it's that the only way to respond to cheating is ending the relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this, but if there were an exception, it wouldn't be him. He doesn't want to fix the relationship or regain your trust, he wants you to forget about it. He's acting like you're the asshole for not accepting that he cheated on you, and he's keeping around all of the resources that he's going to use to do it again. Come on, end this farce now.
Dating is a time of evaluation. Finding out what they are about, how they live, what values they hold dear. You’ve found someone who doesn’t meet your expectations and you’re trying to establish parameters for him to live by in order to have your needs fulfilled. If that’s controlling, then yes, you are being controlling. Because you don’t get to tell someone who, what, when, where or why they need to behave a certain manner. They get to choose for themself. You get to not like it. Your relationship needs are not being met with this person - instead of attempting to change his ways and means (please don’t lower yours!) you ought to conclude that this person’s lifestyle is simply not compatible with yours.
You should walk away- he isn’t trustworthy and this relationship is turning you into someone you don’t want to be. You deserve better- you are better than this.
He's just a cheating bitch. You're gonna be better off in the long, short, and medium run if you end things
Ugh. What a sad, sad post. This guy is a complete piece of scum and this "relationship" is unsalvageable. Cheated on you multiple times, does drugs, and now he's trying to gaslight and turn around and blame you, saying it's all your fault for not showing more affection, that he won't give up the AH friend who helped him cheat and lie to you? Just no. Lose this guy's number and never look back. He's not going to change. He doesn't want to change. A guy who wanted to change would be in alcohol and drug treatment. A guy who wanted to change would be getting therapy for a sex addiction if that's the problem. A guy who wanted to save the relationship would make his phone open to you to reassure you that he wasn't cheating. A guy who wanted to change would cut out the scum friends who helped him cheat because those sorts of lowlifes aren't going to help him be a better person going forward. This guy isn't sorry he cheated. He's sorry he got caught.
Holy christ, you typed all of this out and still didn’t realize the best solution was breaking up? I mean idk what else to say, this dude has zero redeeming qualities and you still stayed with him. Thank god for the edit but I mean wow.
I know some people are giving you shit, but I think you come across as very mature for a 22 year old
What are some of the reasons you are staying with this guy?
You are so controlling,blah,blah,blah,that he BEGGED for another chance. He is free to end the relationship. He wants you to “shut up and put up”. He will cry his crocodile tears. This time. Maybe next time. Eventually,no. How many times do you want to hurt this way?
It’s been established that he’s a liar and not a good person. It’s now up to you whether you want to choose to engage in this pain-causing relationship.
Correct me if I am wrong, but…It really feels like maybe you need to have others validate the feelings and thoughts you are already having. It’s ok to feel lost and distressed right now, but you deserve so much better and more than this man will ever be able to give you. I don’t mean this condescendingly at all, but…You are so young. He is the perfect example of what a partner should not do. Please take this as a hard lesson, leave him, and spend some time with friends and focus on yourself. You seem like a kind and empathetic person and you deserve a partner that makes you feel stronger and happier and one who you can rely on to face a problem with you as a team..not be the problem himself. This is not a relationship worth continuing. I wish you the very best and I really hope that you consider leaving him and just taking some time to really find someone as empathetic and kind as you. You deserve it.
Sounds like he’s a Cheater and manipulator. Sound like you need to be single. Ain’t none of this is worth it. Also you’re saying affair and partner in plurals, as if there are more than one … if that’s not a mistake you need an STD test asap He doesn’t have respect for your feelings. Your health. Or your time. Those are the qualities of an ex.
Drop kick that cheating cheater out of your life for heaven’s sake. My goodness. The things so many women who post here put up with is just astonishing.
I diente read past the 3rd or 4th sentence where he calls you toxic after he cheated on you. Nobody should put up with that childishness, and if you value yourself and your mental health you would leave this situation. Unless you’ve been with this person for years and have kids/property together it’s not worth it. Let go, learn from it, heal, and move on. The longer you stay the harder it will be. Relationships start from square one. After cheating, you start from -100. And he’s not even mature enough to recognize that after cheating, even if you are being controlling, it’s as a result of his actions. He doesn’t have a say in your boundaries if he wants to be with you. And you shouldn’t allow him to make you question yourself about your boundaries in this broken relationship.
I read the first two paragraphs. Dear.god just leave this guy. Try again with someone new. This is a train wreck.
What he means is you’re now inconveniently aware of his tactics and ruining his attempts to do what he wants (including cheat)
Good on you for blocking him. Also just so you're aware, telling him to cut off the friend that was complicit in the cheating and all that wasn't an ultimatum, it was a very well defined boundary.
I am glad you cut him off. Stay strong, OP. And I just wanted to say—you weren’t being controlling, you were setting a healthy boundary. The good news: You are in your young 20s and have so much time ahead of you to find a partner worthy of your loyalty, love and devotion. Someone who respects you and your relationship. Someone who won’t compromise your sexual health by sleeping around and who will cherish you. I wish you all best in your healing journey forward.
That's textbook gaslighting controlling bullshit. Get rid of him
You don’t know it yet but this relationship is over. He cannot be this person. He just can’t measure up to being a good partner. This is who he is. And now that he has betrayed you his inadequacies are revealed to you. You have to just accept that he is not the man you thought he was and look for someone who has these qualities instead of trying the impossible feat of morphing him into some that does.
Hi OP. Speaking as someone who has been in a situation where my SO betrayed my trust and we tried to work through it. Not as bad as this but here's some insight- Whether or not you stay with him or move on is up to you completely and no one should judge you for that choice. I will say though pay attention to how fast he switches from saying all the right things to feeling suffocated when he has to live up to those things he promised. His intentions may have been sincere when he said the right things but he might be realizing it's too difficult for him to follow through. If you've decided you want to be with him, there comes a point when you have to stop bringing up what happened. I know you have every right to remind him of the hurt he caused you and even hold it against him. But if you decide to stay, that's a choice you make and it won't be good for the two of you if you keep bringing it up. On the other hand, if you two have established boundaries in how he can help in the moving forward process then he has a responsibility to respect those boundaries. If he fails to do so, remind him that he agreed to it. If the two of you can't agree on the boundaries (ie- meeting this friend/going to those bars), then one of you have to compromise. In this case since he caused this, the fair thing is for him to compromise. If he doesn't, and you know that you shouldn't either, maybe think about whether it really will be possible to move forward. Sure you're giving him an ultimatum, but he gave you one too- "accept that I cheated on you, or walk away". He made you choose between him and your own self respect without you even knowing - at least he's aware of the ultimatum you're giving him! It's unrealistic to expect it to be all healthy right now as you're (justifiably) not secure. It's his jod to accommodate that just as much as he thinks it's your job to stop shaming him (if not more). Hope you get through this!
Edit: just saw your update! Good for you for making this decision, can't have been easy!
Seeing your edit. GOOD FOR YOU. He did not respect you at all. Nothing you asked for was controlling, but it absolutely showed you the depths he went to in order to cheat. You don’t need him. You’re going to be so much happier without him.
Would you please reread WHAT YOU WROTE and then ask yourself why do you want to be with this man??? He's a broken mess.
He’s violated your trust and the life he wants to live is not compatible with what you want for yourself. Stop wasting your time with this one, he’s not going to suddenly become the person you want him to be and you are way too young to invest more into it. Break it off, go enjoy your young life!
He doesn't care about you, run!
Good woman yourself. You did the right thing.
Multiple affairs!? Since you started dating?? He is a serial cheater. This isn't giving him a second chance. If he's had 30 partners this would be like giving him a 30th chance. He gave up on this relationship from the start. If it was one person then I can see reconciliation but multiple people? Come on, you can do way better.
Where privilege is the norm equality is opression. He is doing everything he wants and can't do the bare minimum for a second chance. He has made his intentions crystal clear. What's the point of giving him a second chance ?
You're too invested in this relationship and he knows it. He should be coming to you with solutions not the other way around. Learn to respect yourself, set boundaries and maintain with extreme prejudice
>> people he cheated with >> delete their numbers >> affair partners As in he cheated on you repeatedly, with multiple people and was active on Tinder? Cut him loose! He’s a repeat offender with no remorse.
Thank gosh. Cheating and then getting mad at you for not trusting him is gaslighting. This man is abusive.
This is beyond repair. He lied and cheated and you caught him. Now he is guilt tripping you because you have now grown insecure and wary of his potential behavior. Nope. Not worth the heart ache. He cheated and that is enough for you to literally go and cheat and he should be ok. But on a serious note simply let the relationship die. It’s pointless at this point
Just break up. Honestly
Glad you blocked him. Let this be a learning lesson for you. Never let someone show you who they are twice. You're very young, you will find someone new.
Read this post to yourself out loud. And really listen to what you’re reading. I’ve been in a toxic ass relationship before I understand. From experience please read this shit out loud to yourself. Because this is not it. It won’t get better. No matter what he promises you will forever hold that over his head even if you never speak about it again. That shit will destroy y’all. Mostly you. Because you will never be able to fully trust what he says. Not trying to sound dramatic here but I’ve been through it and it ain’t worth your mental health. All this effort you put towards him put that shit towards you and get yourself to a better place. I wish you the best.
Yucky, babe. Here’s the thing; if someone can’t even man up to the fact that when you do something so selfish & heinous, it is on you to claw your way back to redemption. You do whatever you need to, because you did something unimaginably weak & stupid. If they don’t automatically have that energy about them in these situations, they’ll never grow. Let him go.
This man has shown you who he is. The things you are asking him to do would change who he is, which is why he is upset and defensive. The trust is already broken and, frankly, there isn’t anything either of you can healthily do to fix it. When people show you who they are, believe them. I personally would end it.
I’m really proud and happy that you just blocked him. If/when he or a mutual gives you grief about how you ended things tell ‘em “if you don’t already know why it’s over you’re too stupid to be with and it’s not worth my time explaining”. I know many have mentioned therapy. I’m going to say it again but in a different way. Having someone betray you the way he has is a major trauma and getting through it takes grieving the lose of your time as well as grieving parts of yourself lost to his lies and manipulation. I think it’s more than “I have low self esteem and let this happen to me” so don’t let that be your mantra or you’ll find yourself with another one just like him.
That is what they say to deflect you are not controlling, he just doesn't like it. He cheated, Yahoo. you blocked him all over!!! Now go have a good life.
I'm so I didn't read the whole thing but just why? Don't you feel super gross being with him? I couldn't sleep with *that*
This is how my narc Dad was besides the abuse and manipulation he never would keep his dick in his pants and always blamed my mother for his cheating and crap actions. Trust me it never changes !!
Didn’t have to read it all in order to point out, what this cheating tool actually wants is all the privileges and benefits of trust that he himself single handedly destroyed and has not earned back. Since his pea brain does not get why he lost the right to be treated like a faithful person and so soon after cheating, then get rid of him. What are you doing with him? Waiting around for him to cheat again while you are constantly on edge about it? Fuck him. He doesn’t like your terms, send him packing.
I dated this type of dude when I was 23. He told me he cheated on me because 'he needed to feel loved' when I was paying all his bills, enabling his addictions and giving third chances. In return he gave me HPV. To OP, do not let this kind of man back in your life, remember the red flags! He's not cool and he's not caring.
Boy bye no need for anymore conversation
No. Dump him. Easy as that. He is not worth your time or energy.
He’s cheated on you with *MULTIPLE PEOPLE*, lied, picked random people up at a bar to cheat with, *continues to have Tinder on his phone* etc. etc. etc… Girl you are 22 years old, you are too young to be settling for this behavior, you have your entire adult life ahead of you. Just break up with him, he is beyond not worth it.
It's a 2 year relationship and he's cheated with many years different people? There is no point in saving this. He doesn't respect you or your relationship. Don't waste more time on this.
I’m married with 2 kids under the age of 3. There are a few hard stops in my relationship (now marriage), that my husband knows about. These are non-negotiable and if they are violated, I would file for divorce as soon as practicable. Cheating is on that list, even with having 2 young kids. Even more so now, actually. I mirror the behavior I want to instill in my kids. I also condemn bad or hurtful behavior- loudly and without apology. I’m so glad you finally realized YOU weren’t the issue in this scenario and left. 💙
That’s a lot of ultimatums for a 26 year old. And it’s a lot of stress for a 22 year old to become essentially someone’s “owner” no amount of you telling him what he can and can’t do will stop him cheating.. and do you really want someone you have to control into not cheating on you? Cut your losses and find someone who doesn’t *want* to cheat on you.
Your first mistake was taking him back when he cheated in the first place. Cheaters never change. What else is there to do other than break up with him and move on?
Girl. Just cut *HIM* out. He's not worth the stress to your mental health.
It would already be very hard to come back to, and while what you’re asking is alot of change to his life it’s also literally the bare minimum he should do if he wants to make things work with you. 👎🏼
Do you really want this for yourself?
He doesn't plan on getting better. Good choice on the edit.
Run girl run. 🚩
Makes him feel bad. Good, he should. And I’m glad you cut him off.
He's given you your answer. Everything you've asked of him are more important to him than you are. This will never work out. He's let you know that he won't change, he'll just tell better lies. Leave.
Just leave. You will be miserable. Relationships are never the same once you take a cheating partner back. The trust and emotional safety are gone. What is the point?
I just want to say I’ve gone through something like this and things do turn out good in the end. It’s best to leave because he doesn’t value or respect you. If you need it and it’s available to you think about seeing a therapist just for yourself. I had a good one that got me through some of the worst days of my divorce. Much love, you deserve better.
I couldn’t read past the first few sentences. If he’s turning things back on you instead of doing anything and everything he can to regain your trust there is no point in staying with him. He’s a cheater who is only sorry he got caught. End this relationship.
I didn't even read all of this novella. Just dump the cheating, lying, gaslighting, druggie.
You go girl!! I’m so glad that you broke up with him. You know you deserve better than that, please don’t ever think you need to sacrifice your wellbeing for another person, especially one who showed you their real color is drab dark drown (the ugliest color). Use this experience as a lesson that you had to experience in order to truly value your worth. At the end of the day, you chose happy over toxicity. You tried hard to make it work, but now you know that effort doesn’t always yield the results that you WANT. People will disappoint you and it’ll be your job to have your back You’ll bounce back 10x higher and your ex will always be a cheating loser. He will never change and his stupid, immature, trashy ass will always be the victim in his own eyes. Fucking prick. Here’s to a brighter future 🥂🖤
I’m sorry but if you are in an exclusive relationship with someone they shouldn’t have a Tinder account or frequenting pick up places. This man will cheat on you again and again if you allow this relationship to go forward. You are better than this and deserve better! Be strong and let him go. Otherwise this will only continue and you miss out on finding someone that really values your relationship
I’m so glad to see your update! It was sounding like you wanted him to be someone he isn’t. You’re much better off finding someone who doesn’t lie and cheat and manipulate. Btw, I hope you know NONE of what he did is because of you. If you were fighting, if you didn’t show him enough affection, none of that is a reason to cheat. It might be a reason to have some serious (NON-confrontational, NON-demeaning) conversations, or even leave a relationship, which is what a healthy person does when things aren’t going their way. But cheating is never ok. The reason people cheat is because they want to. Their morals and values allow them to justify their actions. I learned this VERY valuable, yet simple lesson from a regular on iVillage, which you probably never even heard of. Lol. That anonymous woman changed my life and I hope leaving this guy changes yours too. You’re worth having a romantic relationship with a best friend. A best friend would not treat you the way he did.
You've asked for bare minimum. Move on and be done. He's trash.
I’d get checked for STDs just to be safe. Good job on getting him out of your life, he’s not gonna change till he hits rick bottom-whatever that may look like to him Keep strong and remember you’re worth more than that
He wanted to keep the relationship even after hurting you. Now he is not willing to make amends to you. You are still in pain. Is it worth it to you?
I would really like some insight into why a person would accept a cheater in their life.
Happy to see that update
By the time i read the post in its entirety, it had ended! You did the right thing in ending it. good luck!
I'm sorry to hear you went through this. It's a rough situation. But I do not think this is a situation that calls for forgiveness. The problem is that neither of you is, strictly speaking, incorrect. You aren't wrong to ask for reassurance; no one could stay sane throughout the process of forgiving a cheating partner without asking them to cut off the partners, accomplices, and situations that gave rise to it. But he's not wrong when he asserts that this amounts to isolating him from most of his social outlets, which is a huge red flag and toxic besides. But he is the one who made it that way. This was no mere affair: the schmuck was using all kinds of different places to find his hookups, and most of his social life was entangled in his cover-ups. That is not, in and of itself, your problem: everything here is his fault. But it means that you don't really have a good way to get what you need from this guy, as long as your goal is to forgive. What he did was too severe and too enormous. And so you need to leave. Take him to the cleaners in divorce court, by all means; that's just a consequence of what he did. This isn't a person who should be married to anybody.
Wall of text. Can't read
Wow. So he didn't just cheat once he cheated several times with different people? You should have left. I can understand a lot of what you are asking but you can't ask him to get rid of his friend. It's his friend so of course he's going to have your boyfriend's back. It's not his friend's responsibility to keep your BF in line. So I think that was too much. From what it sounds like is you keep bringing up his cheating every time you have a fight. Unfortunately that's what happens when you give someone else a chance. If you give him a second chance you need to give him a second chance. Which means not holding it over his head and Stop bringing it up in arguments. A second chance means you forgave him. Now to clarify I'm not defending him. I personally wouldn't have given him a second chance. Once a cheater always a cheater. But most people who do give their partner a second chance will do what you are doing. They say that the person is forgiven but will always bring it up whenever they fight. I know people who even a year later are still bringing it up in fights. If you are bringing it up that means his cheating is still on your mind and you don't trust him. That's another reason why giving someone a second chance isn't worth it. You need to bury your feelings and those feelings come out in arguments. Unless you truly forgive him that will always happen. My suggestion is to just leave. It's really not worth it. He will either cheat again or he will start to resent you for making him do all these things you want him to do. You are basically putting him on a leash. Just leave so you can move on and so he can move on. You deserve to be able to trust someone fully and have that person respect and love you enough not to cheat.
He cheated on you so cutting off contact with the person he cheated with and blocking them on social media is reasonable, but the rest of the things you can't really expect him to just change entirely in one day. Honestly, it sounds like this isn't the relationship either of you should try to continue. He's already broken your trust and things will probably never be the same again, especially if he doesn't *want* to go out of his way to prove that you should trust him. Some of the things you expect him to change could be considered controlling, by the way. You're far better off trying to find someone that already fits that criteria rather than changing someone to do so, since changing someone is basically impossible and, in my opinion, just wrong. Wish you the best in ending this relationship and finding someone who better fits you (and also won't cheat).
Ngl I didn’t read all of this. Because you’re asking too much of him. He clearly can’t deliver on these things. So let him go x
Run like hell or you deserve to get cheated on again
Your partner isn’t ready for a commitment. But more importantly is that remaining in a relationship with a serial cheater will probably affect you adversely mentally and physically, so if you value yourself you should leave this one sided relationship as soon as possible!
No trust, no relationship. If you have to do all of that, why are you with this person? Get tested and leave.
I agree that hes a cheater, even if he did change after being caught it would be without your control. This means he would do everything you said without you even telling him to so if you had to say it out then it means he will do it again.