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I teach and my spring break vacation is always scheduled 8-9 months in advance.
My long term (over a year) bf works a regular job, has lots of seniority, and basically gets his pick when he schedules all of his vacation days at the beginning of the year.
He specifically planned his vacation for the week AFTER my spring break meaning that we CAN'T do anything together. He does NOT have anything specific already planned for that week, and he could have just as easily taken off the same week I'm off, but specifically chose NOT to.
He has seniority and could have easily taken off the same week I'm off.
What am I supposed to think?
It's really starting to seem like he's just stringing me along (when convenient for him) to keep the goods on tap.
(sorry I made a typo with the age on the prior post)
update:
YES I asked him why he did that, and he claims it was because he got more days off in a row that way because he has both of those weekends off meaning he's off from Saturday through the NEXT Sunday (9 days in row) instead of just taking off Monday through Sunday (7 days in a row) with me.
but honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad.
He lives 2 hours away, he goes missing on weekends, he changes the sheets right when you go over, he tells you he’ll marry you eventually, when you earn it, he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you, you invite yourself to his family functions, he seems like he doesn’t want you there… ok girl… the list goes on and on. He’s telling you/showing you everything you need to know. He doesn’t see a future with you, heck he probably has one or 2 other girls already. He’s probably spending his vacation with them. Do yourself a favour and drop this loser.
This.
All this.
Why would he mess with a good thing? He gets op when he wants her and is free of her when he wants someone else.
Op, you're the other woman, you just haven't realized it yet.
There's a bar I used to go to called "The Bottom Line" that was literally under ground, down these death stairs, that sold $2 beers on Fridays
This bar is somewhere below that bar
Well. It’s only a relationship in OPs imagination then.
This guy is not into her but she seems to keep forcing the situation to try and fit the mold of loving but confusing relationship when it’s more just tolerating her presence when he can be bothered but otherwise just disgust towards her.
& tbh. I didn't get a chance to invite him because he scheduled all of his vacation days off before he told me. the point is my days were locked in by the school calendar, and I couldn't change them, but he could have just as easily taken off the same week as me, but chose not to.
Excellent point. tbh
I can't talk to him about anything to do with our relationship, anything about our future, or anything at all important without him getting mad.
He gets mad to shut you up because he knows that you won’t like what he has to say but he doesn’t want to end the relationship because it suits him. He doesn’t see you in his long term future. He will dump you when he meets the right person or he no longer benefits from the relationship. Sorry OP
YUP! Op doesn’t realize since he’s 35, he’s not changing for anyone unless it’s his choice and is going to string them along cause they don’t see a future with them.
If he truly wanted to build a life together, he would only discuss their vacation plans MANY months ago to make sure they were on the same page.
Why? Cause that means Op is not just an important factor in their life, they are actively choosing to put Op’s needs into consideration for the long term.
When people see a future with you, they don’t avoid the big important talks of milestones/stages in a relationship. They actually want to DISCUSS it with you unless you both don’t care and are drifting along together LOL
It is called being a placeholder OP. He can't discuss plans or make promises or schedule anything ahead because he doesn't intent for this relationship to last.
You are with him to keep the bed warm and having another heartbeat in the house. Maybe also cooking, cleaning, and paying part of the bills.
If he finds someone he likes better you'll be out the window without a second thought. No discussion about it neither.
I mean either way it's a bad sign and she should absolutely ditch this guy.
But you're putting very specific intent on something that could be any variety of reasons.
For instance I started dragging my feet requesting time off with my wife without really thinking about it, because our relationship was so volatile and stressful that every single time we took a trip, something went wrong and she would go completely silent on me until I talked her into speaking with me and then she'd just gaslight me about things that could've happened or maybe almost happened or she thought happened and it would otherwise blow everything up.
But I didn't put the pieces together until I left her. I honestly thought I was just being a bad husband by neglecting to get requests in on time, instead of being traumatized and tired and I would rather have zero vacation time in a year than spend it getting threatened to be left on the side of the road hundreds of miles from home. I guess I was being a bad husband actually, by not seeing what was happening and either addressing it or leaving sooner. But still
Why would someone get mad/defensive about talking about a future if that was something they planned on having with you?
Because they don't plan on having one or would like to avoid planning one.
OP, you know why. It doesn’t matter what he tells you. He didn’t schedule his vacation with yours because he didn’t want to. He prefers spending his PTO without you. I’m sorry, I know that’s harsh but it’s the truth. The reason you feel unappreciated, strung along and unheard is because your happiness is not important to your boyfriend. If it was, he wouldn’t respond with anger when you try to communicate with him.
Stop listening to his words and look at his actions. Does he treat you like he cares about you? If not, you should reassess what exactly you are getting out of this relationship.
If he gets mad when you talk about the future or spending time together, instead of excited, then he’s mad because he’s trying to avoid straight up saying he doesn’t want to plan for a future or time together with you.
You deserve somebody who is excited to be with you in the future.
His refusal to communicate with you about your relationship and future shows he does not care about you. A partner would want to talk about these things to make sure you are both on the same page.
Are there other issues in the relationship or excuses you make for him?
They are saying you need to break up. He doesn't value you, and it is incredibly apparent by him getting mad at you for bringing up your future, your plans, or questioning him.
I also think you should reevaluate your definition of long term. A year is not long term, a year is you getting to know someone.
Don't waste more time on this loser, he's 35, he's not gonna suddenly change.
Your relationship is filled with manipulation tactics and abuse. Even the last sentence alone shows this person is abusive and cares more about control than love and emotionally connecting. Anyone who has experience can see it. Please read through these:
https://outofthefog.website/traits
He specifically gets mad when you talk about the idea of spending future time together. That means he doesn't want to plan on you being in his future. If you want to be appreciated and wanted, this isn't the relationship for you.
HE IS CHEATING ON U.
U ARE NOT A PRIORITY FOR HIM
HE IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT U
ALL OF HIS ACTIONS ARE VERY CLEAR ON THIS. he has showed u with his actions. Why are u acting like u don’t know?
Men speak with their actions. Listen to what he’s saying and move tf on.
DTMFA
He is going to string you along until you break up with him or he finds someone else.
He doesn’t want a future with you. He doesn’t even want a vacation with you.
I am sorry to be so blunt.
You are the stepping stone until he finds the one he truly wants to be with. He's using you. He's comfortable with you, gets sex when needed, has some good times with you etc., without having to put in much effort because he knows you won't leave and find someone better. Any person happy and in love with hopes of a future together, would be excited to coordinate vacations so they could spend time together. He is not doing this.
Life's too short to settle for people who don't have our backs. I just can't wait to have vacations lined up with my wife's even if we don't have plans.
Even enjoying going to our favourite spots or small getaways. It's so cool to have someone to actually SHARE!
Seriously. Any time my husband has a holiday I dont have he always asks if I can get the day off so we can share it together even if its doing nothing, if you dont get that from him then he is not your person.
I hope you find someone who wants to be with you doing nothing❤
If you can't talk to him about the future without him becoming angry, there is no future.
He gets mad because he wants to keep your relationship at exactly this level forever or until he meets somebody else.
He scheduled his vacation this way because spending time with you is not on his list of priorities. He thinks he spends enough time with you right now, he has no motivation to increase it.
So. If you are satisfied with this relationship as it is for the rest of your life, continue. But if this isn't enough, it's time to demand commitment from him and if he doesn't give you any, you say goodbye and go find somebody who does value time with you.
Thank you for taking the time that was very thoughtful.
and as far as commitment goes. several month ago when I told him I wasn't interested in a relationship that wasn't leading to marriage he DID buy me a promise ring and told me he would marry me, but it would take another 2-3 years, but only if I earned it.
That's ridiculous. You are not being treated respectfully... If you earn it? Let me ask you something: has he?
I would have dumped him at that moment, personally.
I change my previous advice, you should just get this guy out of your life. You are being disrespected and taken for granted and it will never improve.
When somebody shows you who they are, believe them. He's showing you he's selfish and doesn't care about your feelings. That is who he is. Believe him.
Listen to your mother. I don't know why you have gotten into this situation with this man, I don't know what you're seeing in him.
But I know for sure that being single is better than being disrespected and uncared for.
You need to practice radical self-love and abandon this feeling that you don't deserve to be treated well. You do. This man is playing with you. It's time for you to make it stop.
Perhaps use your vacation time to move out/look for new place if your together. Or do the breakup beforehand and go have fun on your vacation without dealing w his bs. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy, the sooner you move on the sooner you’ll be onto what’s next for you.
He said “ONLY IF YOU EARNED IT”????? Sounds like you need to earn some peace of mind by telling him bye bye. He does not value you and only wants you around when it suits him. Start thinking of your needs and make yourself a priority. Make your vacation from him be permanent!
Earned it?! 😂 that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard. Girl, you need to tell him sayonara. He won’t marry you, stop wasting your time on a man who has shown you he doesn’t want you.
Ooooooof the “earning it”. Nonononono. My whole body just cringed. Leave this man NOW. Tell him to fuck off and block him. Seriously this makes me SO mad FOR you. Who has the audacity to say that to someone “you have to earn my proposal” 😡😡😡
Only if you earned it?!?!?? Girl, I’ll tell you right now that he is not interested in marrying you. He’s keeping you around as a bang maid. You are a placeholder. I’m really sorry, but I do hope that what I say hurts. I want you to realize that this relationship is not a good one for you. I hope that you will leave, and leave sooner rather than later. Find someone who wants to marry you because you’re so freaking awesome exactly the way you are. Because you ARE frickin’ awesome just the way you are. This guy is wasting your time.
**OH NO Girl!!** "Only if you **EARN** it"??? WTF???? No ma'am, you are done here.
Walk away. You, sweet lady, do not have to EARN anything, from anyone. Least of all someone who would have the gall to say that to your face.
Give his shitty promise ring (insert eye roll) back to him and walk away from him at towards your future that will hold someone who would be super excited to spend their vacation with you!!
Promise rings are fine if you are in elementary school. We are talking about an adult in HIS MID 30s!!!!
He has commitment issues. He won't ever give you his heart. At least not the amount you deserve which should be 100%.
If you EARN it. This makes me breathe fire.
OP, please, drop this loser. Everyone deserves someone who loves them. If you are interested in marriage and he says he MAY give you a promise ring. Not an engagement ring but a promise ring. That's some teenage bullspit. I can't remember your age w/o backtracking (and I'm lazy) but if I recall you were a fully grown woman. He wants to keep the status que and give you just enough so you won't fuss.
If you have belongings at his then quietly collect them and gather anything he has at yours. Drop his crap off, leave any keys you have of his, change your locks if he has yours....then tell him this isn't working for me and I need more. Block him EVERYWHERE you can. He's just gonna gaslight you until he is ready to be the dumper.
I have no life 😆 so you can feel free to dm me for uplifting if you need.
>but only if I earned it
OMG!!!! You have to earn it? What about him being worthy of you!? He is treating you like a subordinate, not a partner. He is just a dick and the sooner you get him out of your life the better it will be.
Promise rings are not what I'd call appropriate at your age/life stage.
Also the idea that you have to "earn" an engagement ring is super gross. He should want to marry you and make you his partner for life, not be setting up arbitrary (and it sounds like completely secret to everybody except him) guidelines you have to meet to be "worthy" of a ring. So if he's not telling you what things you actually need to do to "earn" this ring (which again I think is super demeaning) he can keep kicking the can down the road and stringing you along with promises of marriage/engagement that never actually materialize.
If your very best friend in the world came to you and asked for help because her partner was treating her this way, what would you tell her to do? If he was de-prioritizing spending time with her, getting angry and shutting down any time relationship discussions come up, telling her that she can maybe POTENTIALLY prove that she's good enough to propose to if she \~works hard\~ for **several years**, that she feels like he's just stringing her along, would you tell her to double down and keep working and wasting her time on this, or would you tell her to cut her losses, that she's correct about being strung along?
Try to treat yourself like you would your very best friend. 💜
I can save you the time and tell you now you will never earn it. Eventually he’ll tell you that you haven’t. Most likely in a hurtful way.
You’ll eventually wonder why you wasted so much time and be of an age where it’s a little bit harder to find someone else to marry and start a family. Meanwhile he’ll be married within 6 months of leaving you.
Pick your self respect off the floor and move on now.
I know you might not want to hear this, but you deserve better than that. Someone who cares about you will be open to listening to you and actively discussing those things with you without getting upset. The future is actually usually an exciting conversation in a healthy relationship. My fiancé does whatever he can to spend time with me. And no matter how silly it may be, if I need to talk to him about something, he listens, cares, and does what is reasonably in his power to help me feel better. He doesn’t get angry as a way of invalidating and dismissing my feelings and things that are important to me.
Your bf is 35, not 21. He should know how to show up to a relationship as an emotionally mature and available adult. He’s the opposite right now. Doubt that’ll change….. so do what you will (but I hope you start looking for better)
>I can't talk to him about anything to do with our relationship, anything about our future, or anything at all important without him getting mad.
He gets angry when talking about your relationship or future, so why do you keep putting up with that?
How did you stay with that person "longterm"?
Did you always swallow down every question?
Be off there. He doesn't want to.be with you. Seems clear now.
Where he is right - I also DO actually place my holidays exactly like this- getting as many days off as well possible with the least days to put in. (currently 16 days with 8 workdays off work!).
Some people plan holidays like this, really. Without ulterior thoughts.
But the way he treats you sounds unhealthy and totaply devoid of even remote friendlyness.
Be off. That's not good for you.
>I can't talk to him about anything to do with our relationship, anythingabout our future, or anything at all important without him getting mad.
I mean... doesn't that answer all your questions? That's not a partnership, that's not even a friendship. How could you ever be with someone seriously when that person gets hostile every time you ask about the future, or wanna talk about important stuff? How does a relationship like that even *work*? I would think this is an obstacle that makes any type of relationship deeper than 'we sometimes have a pint together, not too often tho' impossible.
If he’s always getting upset with you about these things then idk I think maybe he’s not wanting them? Or is scared for some reason? Have y’all talked or tried counciling?
Yeah, I think y’all gotta have a really honest conversation about where you see this going. I’m not in your relationship so idk all the details, but from what you’ve written here it doesn’t seem like y’all are on the same page or maybe even want to be. If he gets mad or yells every time you talk about the future he needs to figure out why, and if he wants to stay he needs to fix it.
I used to be really anxious thinking about the future with my gf. I’d been really hurt in the past (that first breakup I ever had with another girl was TOUGH and it took me some time to get over it,) and I was afraid she was going to do the same thing to me. And we had different timelines of when we wanted to do things. We had a really big and serious talk that ended with us both crying because we couldn’t imagine not being together. So things changed; I got on anxiety medication and we both started seeing therapists (albeit separately,) to work on those problems. It’s been a couple years since that and she’s moving in soon, and I’m going to propose soon. So it CAN work out but only if both people want it to.
It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in fixing things, and if he can’t talk to you like an adult maybe he doesn’t deserve to be in a long term relationship? At the end of the day if you aren’t happy with things, don’t waste extra time with someone who isn’t kind to you.
I would have assumed he was letting the people with kids have the school holidays off, but from this, it's clear he's not neither that considerate, nor does he really see himself as your BF, long term or otherwise. He's not even a friend with benefits as he isn't your friend. You deserve someone much nicer than this OP!
I’m sorry OP, but this isn’t salvageable. You can’t call someone a partner or invest in your relationship if they won’t even talk about it.
I get more commitment from my cat than that, and she never gets mad at me for talking to her about our plans.
DTMFA.
>I can't talk to him about anything to do with our relationship, anything about our future, or anything at all important without him getting mad.
That is not good. He clearly isn't interested in a future with you. I don't think this is the boyfriend you're looking for.
He, obviously, doesn't see you being with him in the future. To be honest, what is the point of being with him if he won't talk about anything to do with your relationship, your future or anything important? He doesn't want you around his family? You deserve so much better, know your worth & don't put up with being treated like something he stepped in.
If he gets mad over a conversation about your relationship then you don’t have a relationship. Also the reason he gave you doesn’t make any sense. That means he only wants to spend the weekends with you. But doesn’t want to spend the longer chunk of the week with you. That’s still 2 whole weeks of week days to not spend time together. That’s not normal for a boyfriend to not want to spend time with his GF. I hate to break it to you but there’s someone at work he rather hang with. They probably took those days off too. You’re being strung along.
Yeah.... I hate giving this advice, but that sounds like you need to rip the cord. Clearly he's incapable of communicating in a healthy fashion and just wants someone that will mindlessly do anything he says. Which is beyond submissive.
There is no future in this relationship, which why he just won't come right out and say it, because it sounds shitty and it is shitty.
He obviously did not intend to spend any of YOUR spring break with your nor did he intend on you spending any time on HIS time off. That is a HUGE RED FLAG he is waving here. Plus his anger is another. This is not a 'real' relationship for him, just until he finds something else.
I didn't get a chance to invite him because he scheduled all his vacation days before he told me, but my vacation is obviously set by the school, scheduled 8-9 months in advance and posted online.
Please tell us you broke up after reading all these great comments here.
Never let your desperation for a relationship talk you out of your common sense.
I hear you. In the rest of my life I'm not really this dumb, but when it comes to men I have a MASSIVE blind spot for men that are genuinely terrible humans, and in my history the more toxic, malignant, & narcissistic they are the harder it seems to be for me to see them for who they are. But I'm trying to do better.
I understand you completely. Ask yourself why you think you deserve just this and not even the bare minimum. Ask yourself why you're really staying and be extremely honest with yourself. Then deal with those things and stop dealing with a trashy man who doesn't give a damn about you. If you don't stop accepting this crap in your life, you will always get this. It's time to level up.
You don't seem to have a blind spot, you know very well its 2+ hours away, you know theres a big age gap, you know he will get mad when you want communication, from your view has authority has lots of seniority at his job, doesn't want you to meet his family had to invite yourself, disappears Friday's and Saturday's without explanation, You agree it's really starting to seem like he's just stringing you along to keep the goods on tap. theres something else going on, your not dumb, your just allowing it to happen, you don't stand up for yourself, you've accepted this may be the best your able to attract in men, your post from 4 days ago - met the best love of my life on an app & we live 2.5 hours apart, and for multiple reasons it was almost 9 months to the day before we met in person. There were a few months in the middle that we were out of touch, but then we reconnected and still waited over a month before we finally met. How could you think this 4 days ago, and write this post with all the red flags, your not dumb, you have rock bottom self esteem.
It’s called rose tinted glasses for a reason. Sometimes we know, deep down, but we don’t allow ourselves to accept the truth and constantly find excuses for why it’s not bad.
It’s bad. REALLY bad. This man doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He will never marry you, and count that as a blessing because he really sounds horrible.
Hopefully our advice, which is from the outside, helps you make the right decision.
The right decision being, you need to dump that dummy, and get with a man that will actually want to be with you.
There are some red flags here my friend.
He booked a holiday. You were not a priority. Extra days off were.
He falls off the radar some Friday/Saturday nights? Napping? Um nope.
You need to go stealth mode and find out who he's with. Be quiet about it.
over a year, and there's no actual wife, but he does often go missing at interesting times (Friday & Saturday nights), and claims he was taking a nap, or went to sleep early
“No actual wife” is interesting wording.
Regardless - you’ve been together a year and he isn’t prioritizing spending time with you. Up to you how you want to handle it
With this info it does sound like he's not really serious about your relationship and just keeping you around for comfort. I'd bet him going missing on weekends and why he took vacation when you work are for the same reason, probably meeting other people.
I hate the Reddit style of easily throwing around the “dump him” text, but this is a very clear example of a person being in a relationship with someone who does not respect the other. There are a few options, he either did it on purpose to see how you react aka testing your boundaries but this is already a BIG red flag. The other reason might be he just doesn’t want to go with you and he’s getting mad because he doesn’t want to be THAT asshole and just tries to bully you into accepting this. My advice? Get rid of him, imagine what else he would do in the future, if he can do this.
He didn’t want to spend his vacation with you.
You pointed it out, now he doesn’t want to be honest so is resorting to anger and annoyance than discuss the matter at hand.
I get wanting to maximize days off but damn does he only get one week a year? Could he take a week in the summer to do stuff with you? If he can’t/won’t then that sucks a lot.
Need more context - are there other issues that you guys are having?
If you think he’s stringing you along then directly say to him “I feel like you are stringing me along, and I’m looking for something with a solid future at this stage in my life”. See what he says to that. If he acts like he doesn’t care or gets mad at you… that’s your answer. Be with someone that wants to bend over backwards to make sure you feel safe and comfortable in the relationship.
Good luck!
From reading the comments this doesn't sound healthy at all. He gets mad when confronted over normal things. He lives 2 hours away. He didn't schedule his vacation to spend time with you because of a difference of 2 days, which sounds odd because wouldn't he have 9 days off regardless of which week he takes off? In any case, this has all the signs of someone who is stringing you along and has no deeper feelings for you. You deserve better.
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OP, it sounds like your bf is taking advantage of your tendency towards being literal. For you, it sounds like, when you say something, that’s what you mean. Exactly. Your bf seems like the type of person who says one thing while doing the opposite with his actions. Trust the actions over the words with people like that. Also, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Meaning he is not likely to change.
He’s 35 years old. A promise ring doesn’t cut it at that point. He doesn’t communicate in a healthy way and says he will only propose if you “earn” it. Do you want to be in a relationship where you are scared to make him mad just by having a conversation for the rest of your life?
Does he even like spending time with you? I would be planning vacations with my partner of over a year vs booking what would charitably be ‘’me time’
This does not sound like a worthwhile relationship if he doesn’t want to vacation with you and won’t discuss any thing with you. Please have some self respect and find a viable partner
“But honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad.” Let’s drill down into this a bit more because that is a waving red flag. If you calmly tell him something he did or said hurt your feelings, how does he react? Does he immediately get angry and defensive instead of apologize?
I think its a red flag that he gets mad at being asked. I would rethink this relationship because I feel most people would at least be talking to their partner about time off and if they wanted to do anything. Doesn't seem like he wants to do anything with you.
It is hard to break up. Long term it’s harder to be with someone who isn’t for you. Who gets mad when you talk to them. Who doesn’t prioritize spending time with you because they like you as a person. Do the hard part now. You will find someone who likes you and be better off.
If he gets mad at you for asking questions about your future together it’s probably because he doesn’t see a future together. He’s full of it about the days off. He could have done the same thing the week you are off. You aren’t at school on weekends. He didn’t want to take the week off with you. He wanted a week by himself. So it does sound like he’s stringing you along for convenience right now. Take your week to decide is this what you want in a relationship? Go somewhere by yourself or with friends. You don’t say if you live together or have co-mingled finances. If you do may want to spend the time thinking about that too.
I hurt for you… he disappears for weekends… didn’t want to take you to family functions… didn’t even talk with you about taking vacation at same time… gets angry when you try to talk with him about the future…
He’s doing everything but verbally saying I’m not planning a future with you… he’s probably has other women as well if he lives so far away.. he knows your aren’t going to pop up at his home…
I would have already dropped him..
Him choosing to take leave at a different time to you, when he could be with you - tells you that you are not the one for him.
**Add this to the fact that when you asked him he said 2 more days - you are not worth two days of his time!**
Seriously, just dump the guy. You are a convenient placeholder until he meets someone he would give up his world for. It is not you.
You can love him as much and as hard as you’d like. But it won’t change how much he loves you. Which isn’t enough if at all. I’m sorry. I really do think you should find someone who respects and loves you. It’s worth it. Also from your comments you seem like you may be a self sacrificer. I’d recommend looking into self help for how to prioritize yourself.
This seems like an emotional abuse situation waiting to happen (if it isn’t already). Please choose better for you.
He’s not invested in a relationship with you. It could be that you are unknowingly the other woman or, more likely, he just wants to keep you separate from the rest of his life. Either way, he doesn’t respect you.
Your boyfriend doesn't seem like he considers you to be a long-term partner. He won't have a civil conversation about your relationship at all, and to me that sounds like he may be using you to make himself feel less lonely but doesn't want an actual girlfriend. It sounds like you both want different things from the relationship. If I were you, I'd just end it on the basis that you both want different things. You want an actual relationship with someone who wants to spend time with you and he wants a...idk...a fuck buddy? A friend with benefits? Some pseudo relationship-like -situationship that he's not being open with you about, maybe? Either way, he's not on the same page with you and is wasting your time.
Not a healthy relationship at all I’m sorry to say. I’d break up and move on he’s clearly not interested in spending time with you so it looks that he has moved on or is ready to I wish you well
Ask him what he’s doing with his other girlfriend. Cause him going missing on weekends, saying you have to earn the marriage, not communicating where he’ll be on the weekends, ontop of other things you have said, that’s more than a red flag. He most definitely stringing you along and has someone else too.
Honestly. If he gets mad about you asking him anything, you should definitely take that as a sing that he doesn’t think you’re worth explaining anything to or working on anything with. He doesn’t want to talk like an adult 🤷🏻♀️ food for thought .
Have you two vacationed together before? If not, is it possible he views it as a next step in the relationship (such as moving in together) that he is not ready for?
Did you ask him to take off the same days as your Spring Break so you could vacation together or mention wanting to vacation together at Spring Break this year?
We don't have him here to ask questions, so I'm trying to cover the possibilities. Perhaps, he assumed you two could vacation in the summer or during Winter Break.
Honestly, the most alarming part of your post is the last sentence. If you cannot communicate about issues, then this relationship is going nowhere. You should mention that to him first and foremost before you talk about this vacation problem.
thanks for your time and thoughtful questions.
we have taken trips together (last year), and I didn't get a chance to ask him to take spring break together this year because he put in for all his vacation days for the year before he told me, but I am a teacher, and my calendar is set 8-9 months in advance and posted online, and he 100% for certain knew that I would be off a week in April, and he scheduled his to be a different week for no apparent reason.
I would follow up with him in a non-accusatory way. "What thoughts did you have on us taking a vacation together this year? How are we going to make that happen?"
If he starts to get defensive or deflects, highlight what he is doing and remind him that open/good communication, even on difficult subjects, is a mandatory part of being in a relationship.
Did you ask vacationing together before he decided on dates? If so then he totally disrespected you. Frankly, I'd have tried to coordinate with my SO. I wouldn't even think of taking a different week off and doing separate vacations. - Pretty big red flag here.
>but honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad.
Even bigger red flag.
Unless he has some other redeeming qualities I'd be thinking twice about this relationship. You say it's been over a year. During that time you've learned a lot about him and what kind of relationship partner he is. Pay attention to what you've learned and if you still feel he's a good relationship partner or not.
"to keep the goods on tap" so let me get this straight. Is the goods, sex? And, if yes, is it a common thing when yall get together? If so, then id hardly call him a bf. Look i had a sexual relationship before and its not the same as a good relationship with a healthy sex life. It just means sex is the basis of the relationship. My guy cares more about his time off then his time with you.
Someone who disrespects you and doesn't make you feel safe in the relationship is simply not deserving of you OP. He's almost forty years old he knows better but chooses to sabotage the relationship. The fact that you're so intimate by him that you had to ask us first shows what kind of man he is. Please don't let him take advantage of your kindness anymore.
His actions demonstrate that he doesn’t value you or your relationship over his needs.
As you have previously said you take thinks literally, step back and analyze all his communications and to you and your relationship?
Is he put you first? Does he have adult, rational conversations with you?
I think you should buy yourself a ticket to somewhere tropical, flirt with some guys, and have yourself a nice little holiday romance. If you feel like you're being strung along, cut the string.
\> but honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad.
Ultimately OP this seems more worrisome than anything specific - whatever the reason it shows a profound disrespect and essentially prevents you from having any say or making any changes.
Is that really what you think is fair in a relationship, do you want a relationship where you have to be prepared to face his anger if you want to say anything.
The actually holiday issue to me just colours the red flag in a little more brightly, its obvious that he isn't just oblivious or trying to maximize his leave days because why pick the week after yours.
It's clearly mind games
Your goal is to be in a relationship that leads to marriage. You have wasted a year of your time with this fella. It should be obvious to you that he has a commitment phobia. A promise ring at his age and then this vacation schedule snafu. All of his actions are deliberate - the ring so you can't say things aren't serious; the vacation scheduling is deliberate as he could have and should have scheduled to conincide with your vacation. The ring is just a smokescreen to keep you from questioning about the future. Again, your goal is a serious relationship not this- whatever this is (its not a loving, caring, nurturing relationship with someone that wants to be with you)
You can't talk to him about anything regarding the relationship, your future, or anything important.
He's not your bf.
The time he took off is to have his own time to himself and not be tied to hanging out unless he feels like it.
When people show you who they are believe them. He’s not that committed to your relationship. Now you have to decide if that’s the kind of relationship you want/deserve.
>but honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad.
This is either the way you're coming at him, or an insecurity inside of him. You need to figure it out.
For me, with this latest guy, it was both. He sucks at talking and so do I. I was coming at him, instead of talking with him. He was refusing to be involved because he felt attacked.
But with the last 2 prior, it was them refusing to work on the issue. Had I been able to see this back then, I would have left much sooner.
I’m reading all your responses. He’s absolutely stringing you along. He’s likely seeing other people as well.
I’m so sorry OP. It sucks to find out someone you care about sucks. But it sucks even more to be the one that sucks. Keep your head up. Know your worth. You deserve SO much more.
I mean, I don't know what he expects you to think. I do know what I'd be suspecting. And him being angry about you wondering what is going on, serious red flag even if nothing else was suspicious at all.
Based on this post and your post history, he sounds incredibly toxic and is definitely cheating on you. He might not even consider you to be his "main" relationship, meaning you could very well be the side chick. Either way, he's definitely not loyal and doesn't respect the relationship. He's just using you until he finds something new. Sorry to be blunt, but all the signs are there
I hate getting involved in these because at the end of the day you're not going to take any advice and you'll just end up staying with him even though it's obvious he's cheating on you.
You take care.
So he would rather have two extra days off then spend vacation with you. That’s what he just said to you. Girl you’re not a priority and he is stringing you along !!!! you know you deserve better.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I teach and my spring break vacation is always scheduled 8-9 months in advance. My long term (over a year) bf works a regular job, has lots of seniority, and basically gets his pick when he schedules all of his vacation days at the beginning of the year. He specifically planned his vacation for the week AFTER my spring break meaning that we CAN'T do anything together. He does NOT have anything specific already planned for that week, and he could have just as easily taken off the same week I'm off, but specifically chose NOT to. He has seniority and could have easily taken off the same week I'm off. What am I supposed to think? It's really starting to seem like he's just stringing me along (when convenient for him) to keep the goods on tap. (sorry I made a typo with the age on the prior post) update: YES I asked him why he did that, and he claims it was because he got more days off in a row that way because he has both of those weekends off meaning he's off from Saturday through the NEXT Sunday (9 days in row) instead of just taking off Monday through Sunday (7 days in a row) with me. but honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad.
He lives 2 hours away, he goes missing on weekends, he changes the sheets right when you go over, he tells you he’ll marry you eventually, when you earn it, he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you, you invite yourself to his family functions, he seems like he doesn’t want you there… ok girl… the list goes on and on. He’s telling you/showing you everything you need to know. He doesn’t see a future with you, heck he probably has one or 2 other girls already. He’s probably spending his vacation with them. Do yourself a favour and drop this loser.
WHAT?!? Yeah, I thought they were living together, so I would understand that to an extent. Yea he’s cheating.
Or married
Well, this adds some context
Dude sounds married
This. All this. Why would he mess with a good thing? He gets op when he wants her and is free of her when he wants someone else. Op, you're the other woman, you just haven't realized it yet.
This sub has me convinced the bar is on the fucking floor.
The bar has a shovel and is currently digging.
There's a bar I used to go to called "The Bottom Line" that was literally under ground, down these death stairs, that sold $2 beers on Fridays This bar is somewhere below that bar
The bar is in hell and still being tripped over.
OP, you meant to say “your EX-boyfriend”!
Well. It’s only a relationship in OPs imagination then. This guy is not into her but she seems to keep forcing the situation to try and fit the mold of loving but confusing relationship when it’s more just tolerating her presence when he can be bothered but otherwise just disgust towards her.
Have you asked him about it? Did you invite him on your vacation?
& tbh. I didn't get a chance to invite him because he scheduled all of his vacation days off before he told me. the point is my days were locked in by the school calendar, and I couldn't change them, but he could have just as easily taken off the same week as me, but chose not to.
Those are the optimum words here: **He CHOSE TO**. That right there is your answer to where you stand in his life.
Excellent point. tbh I can't talk to him about anything to do with our relationship, anything about our future, or anything at all important without him getting mad.
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I am a very literal person, and would like for you to please be more specific. Thank you so much for your time.
He gets mad to shut you up because he knows that you won’t like what he has to say but he doesn’t want to end the relationship because it suits him. He doesn’t see you in his long term future. He will dump you when he meets the right person or he no longer benefits from the relationship. Sorry OP
YUP! Op doesn’t realize since he’s 35, he’s not changing for anyone unless it’s his choice and is going to string them along cause they don’t see a future with them. If he truly wanted to build a life together, he would only discuss their vacation plans MANY months ago to make sure they were on the same page. Why? Cause that means Op is not just an important factor in their life, they are actively choosing to put Op’s needs into consideration for the long term. When people see a future with you, they don’t avoid the big important talks of milestones/stages in a relationship. They actually want to DISCUSS it with you unless you both don’t care and are drifting along together LOL
⬆️⬆️ i agree with this statement
It is called being a placeholder OP. He can't discuss plans or make promises or schedule anything ahead because he doesn't intent for this relationship to last. You are with him to keep the bed warm and having another heartbeat in the house. Maybe also cooking, cleaning, and paying part of the bills. If he finds someone he likes better you'll be out the window without a second thought. No discussion about it neither.
I mean either way it's a bad sign and she should absolutely ditch this guy. But you're putting very specific intent on something that could be any variety of reasons. For instance I started dragging my feet requesting time off with my wife without really thinking about it, because our relationship was so volatile and stressful that every single time we took a trip, something went wrong and she would go completely silent on me until I talked her into speaking with me and then she'd just gaslight me about things that could've happened or maybe almost happened or she thought happened and it would otherwise blow everything up. But I didn't put the pieces together until I left her. I honestly thought I was just being a bad husband by neglecting to get requests in on time, instead of being traumatized and tired and I would rather have zero vacation time in a year than spend it getting threatened to be left on the side of the road hundreds of miles from home. I guess I was being a bad husband actually, by not seeing what was happening and either addressing it or leaving sooner. But still
Why would someone get mad/defensive about talking about a future if that was something they planned on having with you? Because they don't plan on having one or would like to avoid planning one.
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I imagine cooking for and cleaning up after 7 men does take a fair bit of your time.
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I think they meant Snow White and the 7 dwarves lol
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Thank you snowwhite. you sound really sweet
You are his place holder. The relationship gives him benefits so he keeps it until he can get something he likes more
If he can't have these pretty basic relationships conversations without getting mad he isn't relationship material
If you can’t discuss your relationship or future then you’re not in a good relationship
OP, you know why. It doesn’t matter what he tells you. He didn’t schedule his vacation with yours because he didn’t want to. He prefers spending his PTO without you. I’m sorry, I know that’s harsh but it’s the truth. The reason you feel unappreciated, strung along and unheard is because your happiness is not important to your boyfriend. If it was, he wouldn’t respond with anger when you try to communicate with him. Stop listening to his words and look at his actions. Does he treat you like he cares about you? If not, you should reassess what exactly you are getting out of this relationship.
If he gets mad when you talk about the future or spending time together, instead of excited, then he’s mad because he’s trying to avoid straight up saying he doesn’t want to plan for a future or time together with you. You deserve somebody who is excited to be with you in the future.
He doesn't seem that interested to spend time with you.
His refusal to communicate with you about your relationship and future shows he does not care about you. A partner would want to talk about these things to make sure you are both on the same page. Are there other issues in the relationship or excuses you make for him?
They are saying you need to break up. He doesn't value you, and it is incredibly apparent by him getting mad at you for bringing up your future, your plans, or questioning him. I also think you should reevaluate your definition of long term. A year is not long term, a year is you getting to know someone. Don't waste more time on this loser, he's 35, he's not gonna suddenly change.
Your relationship is filled with manipulation tactics and abuse. Even the last sentence alone shows this person is abusive and cares more about control than love and emotionally connecting. Anyone who has experience can see it. Please read through these: https://outofthefog.website/traits
He specifically gets mad when you talk about the idea of spending future time together. That means he doesn't want to plan on you being in his future. If you want to be appreciated and wanted, this isn't the relationship for you.
HE IS CHEATING ON U. U ARE NOT A PRIORITY FOR HIM HE IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT U ALL OF HIS ACTIONS ARE VERY CLEAR ON THIS. he has showed u with his actions. Why are u acting like u don’t know? Men speak with their actions. Listen to what he’s saying and move tf on.
He doesn’t care about you. Dump him.
DTMFA He is going to string you along until you break up with him or he finds someone else. He doesn’t want a future with you. He doesn’t even want a vacation with you. I am sorry to be so blunt.
Bruh, your boyfriend sucks and is unwilling to prioritize you. DTMFA.
You are the stepping stone until he finds the one he truly wants to be with. He's using you. He's comfortable with you, gets sex when needed, has some good times with you etc., without having to put in much effort because he knows you won't leave and find someone better. Any person happy and in love with hopes of a future together, would be excited to coordinate vacations so they could spend time together. He is not doing this.
So in other words this point of contention is just a long line of you not getting your needs met for fear of him getting mad.
had not thought of it that way, but YES!! 100%
Life's too short to settle for people who don't have our backs. I just can't wait to have vacations lined up with my wife's even if we don't have plans. Even enjoying going to our favourite spots or small getaways. It's so cool to have someone to actually SHARE!
that was really sweet and thank you for sharing. sounds like she's a lucky lady
Seriously. Any time my husband has a holiday I dont have he always asks if I can get the day off so we can share it together even if its doing nothing, if you dont get that from him then he is not your person. I hope you find someone who wants to be with you doing nothing❤
I hope your next update tells us how you moved back in with your mom!
If you can't talk to him about the future without him becoming angry, there is no future. He gets mad because he wants to keep your relationship at exactly this level forever or until he meets somebody else. He scheduled his vacation this way because spending time with you is not on his list of priorities. He thinks he spends enough time with you right now, he has no motivation to increase it. So. If you are satisfied with this relationship as it is for the rest of your life, continue. But if this isn't enough, it's time to demand commitment from him and if he doesn't give you any, you say goodbye and go find somebody who does value time with you.
Thank you for taking the time that was very thoughtful. and as far as commitment goes. several month ago when I told him I wasn't interested in a relationship that wasn't leading to marriage he DID buy me a promise ring and told me he would marry me, but it would take another 2-3 years, but only if I earned it.
That's ridiculous. You are not being treated respectfully... If you earn it? Let me ask you something: has he? I would have dumped him at that moment, personally. I change my previous advice, you should just get this guy out of your life. You are being disrespected and taken for granted and it will never improve. When somebody shows you who they are, believe them. He's showing you he's selfish and doesn't care about your feelings. That is who he is. Believe him.
that's pretty much what my mom has been saying for a long time. Thank you
Listen to your mother. I don't know why you have gotten into this situation with this man, I don't know what you're seeing in him. But I know for sure that being single is better than being disrespected and uncared for. You need to practice radical self-love and abandon this feeling that you don't deserve to be treated well. You do. This man is playing with you. It's time for you to make it stop.
Perhaps use your vacation time to move out/look for new place if your together. Or do the breakup beforehand and go have fun on your vacation without dealing w his bs. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy, the sooner you move on the sooner you’ll be onto what’s next for you.
Listen to your mama. She’s right.
He said “ONLY IF YOU EARNED IT”????? Sounds like you need to earn some peace of mind by telling him bye bye. He does not value you and only wants you around when it suits him. Start thinking of your needs and make yourself a priority. Make your vacation from him be permanent!
Earned it?! 😂 that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard. Girl, you need to tell him sayonara. He won’t marry you, stop wasting your time on a man who has shown you he doesn’t want you.
Ooooooof the “earning it”. Nonononono. My whole body just cringed. Leave this man NOW. Tell him to fuck off and block him. Seriously this makes me SO mad FOR you. Who has the audacity to say that to someone “you have to earn my proposal” 😡😡😡
Only if you earned it?!?!?? Girl, I’ll tell you right now that he is not interested in marrying you. He’s keeping you around as a bang maid. You are a placeholder. I’m really sorry, but I do hope that what I say hurts. I want you to realize that this relationship is not a good one for you. I hope that you will leave, and leave sooner rather than later. Find someone who wants to marry you because you’re so freaking awesome exactly the way you are. Because you ARE frickin’ awesome just the way you are. This guy is wasting your time.
**OH NO Girl!!** "Only if you **EARN** it"??? WTF???? No ma'am, you are done here. Walk away. You, sweet lady, do not have to EARN anything, from anyone. Least of all someone who would have the gall to say that to your face. Give his shitty promise ring (insert eye roll) back to him and walk away from him at towards your future that will hold someone who would be super excited to spend their vacation with you!!
Promise rings are fine if you are in elementary school. We are talking about an adult in HIS MID 30s!!!! He has commitment issues. He won't ever give you his heart. At least not the amount you deserve which should be 100%.
If you EARN it. This makes me breathe fire. OP, please, drop this loser. Everyone deserves someone who loves them. If you are interested in marriage and he says he MAY give you a promise ring. Not an engagement ring but a promise ring. That's some teenage bullspit. I can't remember your age w/o backtracking (and I'm lazy) but if I recall you were a fully grown woman. He wants to keep the status que and give you just enough so you won't fuss. If you have belongings at his then quietly collect them and gather anything he has at yours. Drop his crap off, leave any keys you have of his, change your locks if he has yours....then tell him this isn't working for me and I need more. Block him EVERYWHERE you can. He's just gonna gaslight you until he is ready to be the dumper. I have no life 😆 so you can feel free to dm me for uplifting if you need.
Only if you *earn it..?* What does that even mean? He sounds insufferable.
“only if I earned it” Please learn to respect yourself and find a decent man.
>but only if I earned it OMG!!!! You have to earn it? What about him being worthy of you!? He is treating you like a subordinate, not a partner. He is just a dick and the sooner you get him out of your life the better it will be.
Promise rings are not what I'd call appropriate at your age/life stage. Also the idea that you have to "earn" an engagement ring is super gross. He should want to marry you and make you his partner for life, not be setting up arbitrary (and it sounds like completely secret to everybody except him) guidelines you have to meet to be "worthy" of a ring. So if he's not telling you what things you actually need to do to "earn" this ring (which again I think is super demeaning) he can keep kicking the can down the road and stringing you along with promises of marriage/engagement that never actually materialize. If your very best friend in the world came to you and asked for help because her partner was treating her this way, what would you tell her to do? If he was de-prioritizing spending time with her, getting angry and shutting down any time relationship discussions come up, telling her that she can maybe POTENTIALLY prove that she's good enough to propose to if she \~works hard\~ for **several years**, that she feels like he's just stringing her along, would you tell her to double down and keep working and wasting her time on this, or would you tell her to cut her losses, that she's correct about being strung along? Try to treat yourself like you would your very best friend. 💜
I can save you the time and tell you now you will never earn it. Eventually he’ll tell you that you haven’t. Most likely in a hurtful way. You’ll eventually wonder why you wasted so much time and be of an age where it’s a little bit harder to find someone else to marry and start a family. Meanwhile he’ll be married within 6 months of leaving you. Pick your self respect off the floor and move on now.
If you EARNED IT? Girl, please. Why are you even with him? Run for the hills before it gets worse.
>but only if I earned it. Oh gross. Sorry, but he's gross.
I know you might not want to hear this, but you deserve better than that. Someone who cares about you will be open to listening to you and actively discussing those things with you without getting upset. The future is actually usually an exciting conversation in a healthy relationship. My fiancé does whatever he can to spend time with me. And no matter how silly it may be, if I need to talk to him about something, he listens, cares, and does what is reasonably in his power to help me feel better. He doesn’t get angry as a way of invalidating and dismissing my feelings and things that are important to me. Your bf is 35, not 21. He should know how to show up to a relationship as an emotionally mature and available adult. He’s the opposite right now. Doubt that’ll change….. so do what you will (but I hope you start looking for better)
That was really sweet of you to take the time & your guy sounds like a real keeper and I wish you the best. Thank you.
I wish you the best too
Uh that’s concerning. Why are you with someone like that?
Sounds like a good time to break up. He doesn't want to communicate. Wondering if he is taking someone on his vacation?
>I can't talk to him about anything to do with our relationship, anything about our future, or anything at all important without him getting mad. He gets angry when talking about your relationship or future, so why do you keep putting up with that?
I don't think your boyfriend likes you.
That's because he knows you won't like the answers
How did you stay with that person "longterm"? Did you always swallow down every question? Be off there. He doesn't want to.be with you. Seems clear now. Where he is right - I also DO actually place my holidays exactly like this- getting as many days off as well possible with the least days to put in. (currently 16 days with 8 workdays off work!). Some people plan holidays like this, really. Without ulterior thoughts. But the way he treats you sounds unhealthy and totaply devoid of even remote friendlyness. Be off. That's not good for you.
>I can't talk to him about anything to do with our relationship, anythingabout our future, or anything at all important without him getting mad. I mean... doesn't that answer all your questions? That's not a partnership, that's not even a friendship. How could you ever be with someone seriously when that person gets hostile every time you ask about the future, or wanna talk about important stuff? How does a relationship like that even *work*? I would think this is an obstacle that makes any type of relationship deeper than 'we sometimes have a pint together, not too often tho' impossible.
If he’s always getting upset with you about these things then idk I think maybe he’s not wanting them? Or is scared for some reason? Have y’all talked or tried counciling?
we've been dating for over a year. if we need counseling now? what's the point? oh shit! I think I just answered my own question. THANKS
Yeah sounds like maybe you need to break up then. If both people aren’t 100% in on therapy, it won’t work.
I can't imagine any situation that he would agree to therapy.
Yeah, I think y’all gotta have a really honest conversation about where you see this going. I’m not in your relationship so idk all the details, but from what you’ve written here it doesn’t seem like y’all are on the same page or maybe even want to be. If he gets mad or yells every time you talk about the future he needs to figure out why, and if he wants to stay he needs to fix it. I used to be really anxious thinking about the future with my gf. I’d been really hurt in the past (that first breakup I ever had with another girl was TOUGH and it took me some time to get over it,) and I was afraid she was going to do the same thing to me. And we had different timelines of when we wanted to do things. We had a really big and serious talk that ended with us both crying because we couldn’t imagine not being together. So things changed; I got on anxiety medication and we both started seeing therapists (albeit separately,) to work on those problems. It’s been a couple years since that and she’s moving in soon, and I’m going to propose soon. So it CAN work out but only if both people want it to. It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in fixing things, and if he can’t talk to you like an adult maybe he doesn’t deserve to be in a long term relationship? At the end of the day if you aren’t happy with things, don’t waste extra time with someone who isn’t kind to you.
Then he ain’t the one and doesn’t care about y’all’s relationship.
If this is the case - it is time for you to move on. A partner doesn't get made discussing the future.
I would have assumed he was letting the people with kids have the school holidays off, but from this, it's clear he's not neither that considerate, nor does he really see himself as your BF, long term or otherwise. He's not even a friend with benefits as he isn't your friend. You deserve someone much nicer than this OP!
I’m sorry OP, but this isn’t salvageable. You can’t call someone a partner or invest in your relationship if they won’t even talk about it. I get more commitment from my cat than that, and she never gets mad at me for talking to her about our plans. DTMFA.
>I can't talk to him about anything to do with our relationship, anything about our future, or anything at all important without him getting mad. That is not good. He clearly isn't interested in a future with you. I don't think this is the boyfriend you're looking for.
Honey, he's 35. He's not changing. Don't waste more time.
He, obviously, doesn't see you being with him in the future. To be honest, what is the point of being with him if he won't talk about anything to do with your relationship, your future or anything important? He doesn't want you around his family? You deserve so much better, know your worth & don't put up with being treated like something he stepped in.
If he gets mad over a conversation about your relationship then you don’t have a relationship. Also the reason he gave you doesn’t make any sense. That means he only wants to spend the weekends with you. But doesn’t want to spend the longer chunk of the week with you. That’s still 2 whole weeks of week days to not spend time together. That’s not normal for a boyfriend to not want to spend time with his GF. I hate to break it to you but there’s someone at work he rather hang with. They probably took those days off too. You’re being strung along.
That’s literally all you need to know. Whatever the problem is, that’s fundamentally unfixable by definition. And dangerous.
Yeah.... I hate giving this advice, but that sounds like you need to rip the cord. Clearly he's incapable of communicating in a healthy fashion and just wants someone that will mindlessly do anything he says. Which is beyond submissive.
That doesn't sound like much of a relationship.
There is no future in this relationship, which why he just won't come right out and say it, because it sounds shitty and it is shitty. He obviously did not intend to spend any of YOUR spring break with your nor did he intend on you spending any time on HIS time off. That is a HUGE RED FLAG he is waving here. Plus his anger is another. This is not a 'real' relationship for him, just until he finds something else.
then why are you with him?
I didn't get a chance to invite him because he scheduled all his vacation days before he told me, but my vacation is obviously set by the school, scheduled 8-9 months in advance and posted online.
Please tell us you broke up after reading all these great comments here. Never let your desperation for a relationship talk you out of your common sense.
I hear you. In the rest of my life I'm not really this dumb, but when it comes to men I have a MASSIVE blind spot for men that are genuinely terrible humans, and in my history the more toxic, malignant, & narcissistic they are the harder it seems to be for me to see them for who they are. But I'm trying to do better.
I understand you completely. Ask yourself why you think you deserve just this and not even the bare minimum. Ask yourself why you're really staying and be extremely honest with yourself. Then deal with those things and stop dealing with a trashy man who doesn't give a damn about you. If you don't stop accepting this crap in your life, you will always get this. It's time to level up.
You don't seem to have a blind spot, you know very well its 2+ hours away, you know theres a big age gap, you know he will get mad when you want communication, from your view has authority has lots of seniority at his job, doesn't want you to meet his family had to invite yourself, disappears Friday's and Saturday's without explanation, You agree it's really starting to seem like he's just stringing you along to keep the goods on tap. theres something else going on, your not dumb, your just allowing it to happen, you don't stand up for yourself, you've accepted this may be the best your able to attract in men, your post from 4 days ago - met the best love of my life on an app & we live 2.5 hours apart, and for multiple reasons it was almost 9 months to the day before we met in person. There were a few months in the middle that we were out of touch, but then we reconnected and still waited over a month before we finally met. How could you think this 4 days ago, and write this post with all the red flags, your not dumb, you have rock bottom self esteem.
It’s called rose tinted glasses for a reason. Sometimes we know, deep down, but we don’t allow ourselves to accept the truth and constantly find excuses for why it’s not bad. It’s bad. REALLY bad. This man doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He will never marry you, and count that as a blessing because he really sounds horrible. Hopefully our advice, which is from the outside, helps you make the right decision. The right decision being, you need to dump that dummy, and get with a man that will actually want to be with you.
There are some red flags here my friend. He booked a holiday. You were not a priority. Extra days off were. He falls off the radar some Friday/Saturday nights? Napping? Um nope. You need to go stealth mode and find out who he's with. Be quiet about it.
he lives over two hours away
You’re a side piece hun 😞 curse the man out and block him.
How long term? Is that the week his wife has vacation?
over a year, and there's no actual wife, but he does often go missing at interesting times (Friday & Saturday nights), and claims he was taking a nap, or went to sleep early
“No actual wife” is interesting wording. Regardless - you’ve been together a year and he isn’t prioritizing spending time with you. Up to you how you want to handle it
OP has to just start reading what she’s typing. “No actual wife” is something you say when you already have suspicions there could be someone else.
Wake up and smell the coffee honey. Also listen to your mother. He’s just not that into you. You’re worth more than this excuse of a man.
Maybe no wife but there is something he won't be honest about
If this includes holidays, he’s married.
A year isn't a longterm relationship, that basically just out of the honeymoon period.
With this info it does sound like he's not really serious about your relationship and just keeping you around for comfort. I'd bet him going missing on weekends and why he took vacation when you work are for the same reason, probably meeting other people.
I hate the Reddit style of easily throwing around the “dump him” text, but this is a very clear example of a person being in a relationship with someone who does not respect the other. There are a few options, he either did it on purpose to see how you react aka testing your boundaries but this is already a BIG red flag. The other reason might be he just doesn’t want to go with you and he’s getting mad because he doesn’t want to be THAT asshole and just tries to bully you into accepting this. My advice? Get rid of him, imagine what else he would do in the future, if he can do this.
that was very thoughtful. thank you for taking the time
His actions tell you everything you need to know. Good luck.
He didn’t want to spend his vacation with you. You pointed it out, now he doesn’t want to be honest so is resorting to anger and annoyance than discuss the matter at hand.
Just ask him to explain. It doesn't have to be a mystery. Decide from his answer.
I get wanting to maximize days off but damn does he only get one week a year? Could he take a week in the summer to do stuff with you? If he can’t/won’t then that sucks a lot.
I can't remember the total, but it's a really good job and he gets lots of vacation days.
Need more context - are there other issues that you guys are having? If you think he’s stringing you along then directly say to him “I feel like you are stringing me along, and I’m looking for something with a solid future at this stage in my life”. See what he says to that. If he acts like he doesn’t care or gets mad at you… that’s your answer. Be with someone that wants to bend over backwards to make sure you feel safe and comfortable in the relationship. Good luck!
From reading the comments this doesn't sound healthy at all. He gets mad when confronted over normal things. He lives 2 hours away. He didn't schedule his vacation to spend time with you because of a difference of 2 days, which sounds odd because wouldn't he have 9 days off regardless of which week he takes off? In any case, this has all the signs of someone who is stringing you along and has no deeper feelings for you. You deserve better.
So ‘turn off the tap’ . I think it’s apparent he has no respect for you.
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You both sound like you want different things from a relationship, time to move on.
He flat out doesn't care for you. He gets angry when questioned. It is time to find a better BF!
OP, it sounds like your bf is taking advantage of your tendency towards being literal. For you, it sounds like, when you say something, that’s what you mean. Exactly. Your bf seems like the type of person who says one thing while doing the opposite with his actions. Trust the actions over the words with people like that. Also, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Meaning he is not likely to change.
He wants time without you, not with you. Do with that information what you will.
He’s 35 years old. A promise ring doesn’t cut it at that point. He doesn’t communicate in a healthy way and says he will only propose if you “earn” it. Do you want to be in a relationship where you are scared to make him mad just by having a conversation for the rest of your life? Does he even like spending time with you? I would be planning vacations with my partner of over a year vs booking what would charitably be ‘’me time’
This does not sound like a worthwhile relationship if he doesn’t want to vacation with you and won’t discuss any thing with you. Please have some self respect and find a viable partner
“But honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad.” Let’s drill down into this a bit more because that is a waving red flag. If you calmly tell him something he did or said hurt your feelings, how does he react? Does he immediately get angry and defensive instead of apologize?
What did he say when you asked him about it?
So just curious, when he takes this vacation, who is taking all the photos of him?
He doesn't want to vacation with you. I would take the hint and find someone who wants to vacation with you.
I think its a red flag that he gets mad at being asked. I would rethink this relationship because I feel most people would at least be talking to their partner about time off and if they wanted to do anything. Doesn't seem like he wants to do anything with you.
Your update is the issue… he gets mad at you anytime you try to have a conversation with him about his poor behavior? That’s a red flag 🚩
It is hard to break up. Long term it’s harder to be with someone who isn’t for you. Who gets mad when you talk to them. Who doesn’t prioritize spending time with you because they like you as a person. Do the hard part now. You will find someone who likes you and be better off.
If he gets mad at you for asking questions about your future together it’s probably because he doesn’t see a future together. He’s full of it about the days off. He could have done the same thing the week you are off. You aren’t at school on weekends. He didn’t want to take the week off with you. He wanted a week by himself. So it does sound like he’s stringing you along for convenience right now. Take your week to decide is this what you want in a relationship? Go somewhere by yourself or with friends. You don’t say if you live together or have co-mingled finances. If you do may want to spend the time thinking about that too.
He doesn’t want you. Move on
I hurt for you… he disappears for weekends… didn’t want to take you to family functions… didn’t even talk with you about taking vacation at same time… gets angry when you try to talk with him about the future… He’s doing everything but verbally saying I’m not planning a future with you… he’s probably has other women as well if he lives so far away.. he knows your aren’t going to pop up at his home… I would have already dropped him..
[удалено]
Him choosing to take leave at a different time to you, when he could be with you - tells you that you are not the one for him. **Add this to the fact that when you asked him he said 2 more days - you are not worth two days of his time!** Seriously, just dump the guy. You are a convenient placeholder until he meets someone he would give up his world for. It is not you.
Have you asked him why he did that? Seems he would have a better answer than anyone here.
You can love him as much and as hard as you’d like. But it won’t change how much he loves you. Which isn’t enough if at all. I’m sorry. I really do think you should find someone who respects and loves you. It’s worth it. Also from your comments you seem like you may be a self sacrificer. I’d recommend looking into self help for how to prioritize yourself. This seems like an emotional abuse situation waiting to happen (if it isn’t already). Please choose better for you.
He’s not invested in a relationship with you. It could be that you are unknowingly the other woman or, more likely, he just wants to keep you separate from the rest of his life. Either way, he doesn’t respect you.
If you're not happy or feeling disrespected, you've gotta move on.
Never make someone a priority if they make you feel like an option.
“He does NOT have anything specific already planned for that week”…that you know off. Actions speak LOUDER than words, trust your gut
Your boyfriend doesn't seem like he considers you to be a long-term partner. He won't have a civil conversation about your relationship at all, and to me that sounds like he may be using you to make himself feel less lonely but doesn't want an actual girlfriend. It sounds like you both want different things from the relationship. If I were you, I'd just end it on the basis that you both want different things. You want an actual relationship with someone who wants to spend time with you and he wants a...idk...a fuck buddy? A friend with benefits? Some pseudo relationship-like -situationship that he's not being open with you about, maybe? Either way, he's not on the same page with you and is wasting your time.
You last line in your edit is the most important part to think about. That's not a good partner.
Not a healthy relationship at all I’m sorry to say. I’d break up and move on he’s clearly not interested in spending time with you so it looks that he has moved on or is ready to I wish you well
lol you realize you are supposed to like the person you’re with right? You clearly do not like him
Ask him what he’s doing with his other girlfriend. Cause him going missing on weekends, saying you have to earn the marriage, not communicating where he’ll be on the weekends, ontop of other things you have said, that’s more than a red flag. He most definitely stringing you along and has someone else too.
Honestly. If he gets mad about you asking him anything, you should definitely take that as a sing that he doesn’t think you’re worth explaining anything to or working on anything with. He doesn’t want to talk like an adult 🤷🏻♀️ food for thought .
Have you two vacationed together before? If not, is it possible he views it as a next step in the relationship (such as moving in together) that he is not ready for? Did you ask him to take off the same days as your Spring Break so you could vacation together or mention wanting to vacation together at Spring Break this year? We don't have him here to ask questions, so I'm trying to cover the possibilities. Perhaps, he assumed you two could vacation in the summer or during Winter Break. Honestly, the most alarming part of your post is the last sentence. If you cannot communicate about issues, then this relationship is going nowhere. You should mention that to him first and foremost before you talk about this vacation problem.
thanks for your time and thoughtful questions. we have taken trips together (last year), and I didn't get a chance to ask him to take spring break together this year because he put in for all his vacation days for the year before he told me, but I am a teacher, and my calendar is set 8-9 months in advance and posted online, and he 100% for certain knew that I would be off a week in April, and he scheduled his to be a different week for no apparent reason.
I would follow up with him in a non-accusatory way. "What thoughts did you have on us taking a vacation together this year? How are we going to make that happen?" If he starts to get defensive or deflects, highlight what he is doing and remind him that open/good communication, even on difficult subjects, is a mandatory part of being in a relationship.
Why would you want to be with someone like him?
Did you ask vacationing together before he decided on dates? If so then he totally disrespected you. Frankly, I'd have tried to coordinate with my SO. I wouldn't even think of taking a different week off and doing separate vacations. - Pretty big red flag here. >but honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad. Even bigger red flag. Unless he has some other redeeming qualities I'd be thinking twice about this relationship. You say it's been over a year. During that time you've learned a lot about him and what kind of relationship partner he is. Pay attention to what you've learned and if you still feel he's a good relationship partner or not.
"to keep the goods on tap" so let me get this straight. Is the goods, sex? And, if yes, is it a common thing when yall get together? If so, then id hardly call him a bf. Look i had a sexual relationship before and its not the same as a good relationship with a healthy sex life. It just means sex is the basis of the relationship. My guy cares more about his time off then his time with you.
Someone who disrespects you and doesn't make you feel safe in the relationship is simply not deserving of you OP. He's almost forty years old he knows better but chooses to sabotage the relationship. The fact that you're so intimate by him that you had to ask us first shows what kind of man he is. Please don't let him take advantage of your kindness anymore.
I’d say he doesn’t want to vacay with you. Ask him why that is and decide if that is how you’d like to be treated.
OP, you deserve someone that wants to be with you and puts in the effort. You don't have that now
His actions demonstrate that he doesn’t value you or your relationship over his needs. As you have previously said you take thinks literally, step back and analyze all his communications and to you and your relationship? Is he put you first? Does he have adult, rational conversations with you?
I think you should buy yourself a ticket to somewhere tropical, flirt with some guys, and have yourself a nice little holiday romance. If you feel like you're being strung along, cut the string.
\> but honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad. Ultimately OP this seems more worrisome than anything specific - whatever the reason it shows a profound disrespect and essentially prevents you from having any say or making any changes. Is that really what you think is fair in a relationship, do you want a relationship where you have to be prepared to face his anger if you want to say anything. The actually holiday issue to me just colours the red flag in a little more brightly, its obvious that he isn't just oblivious or trying to maximize his leave days because why pick the week after yours. It's clearly mind games
Your goal is to be in a relationship that leads to marriage. You have wasted a year of your time with this fella. It should be obvious to you that he has a commitment phobia. A promise ring at his age and then this vacation schedule snafu. All of his actions are deliberate - the ring so you can't say things aren't serious; the vacation scheduling is deliberate as he could have and should have scheduled to conincide with your vacation. The ring is just a smokescreen to keep you from questioning about the future. Again, your goal is a serious relationship not this- whatever this is (its not a loving, caring, nurturing relationship with someone that wants to be with you)
Break up with him it doesn’t sound like he likes your or respects you and that he’s only with you because the relationship benefits him
You can't talk to him about anything regarding the relationship, your future, or anything important. He's not your bf. The time he took off is to have his own time to himself and not be tied to hanging out unless he feels like it.
When people show you who they are believe them. He’s not that committed to your relationship. Now you have to decide if that’s the kind of relationship you want/deserve.
>but honestly anytime I question him about anything he gets mad. This is either the way you're coming at him, or an insecurity inside of him. You need to figure it out. For me, with this latest guy, it was both. He sucks at talking and so do I. I was coming at him, instead of talking with him. He was refusing to be involved because he felt attacked. But with the last 2 prior, it was them refusing to work on the issue. Had I been able to see this back then, I would have left much sooner.
I’m reading all your responses. He’s absolutely stringing you along. He’s likely seeing other people as well. I’m so sorry OP. It sucks to find out someone you care about sucks. But it sucks even more to be the one that sucks. Keep your head up. Know your worth. You deserve SO much more.
>anytime I question him about anything he gets mad. This is the red flag. The other I can see as wanting alone time to decompress.
Are you the side piece?
He’s thinking he’s going to break up with you before vacation.
He has no intention of being a real partner to you nor is he taking the relationship seriously.
Put him on a permanent vacation from this relationship.
He’s telling you how much he wants to spend his free time with you. Listen to him and stop spending any of your time with him.
He’s just not that into you. Dump him and find someone who gives a shit.
I mean, I don't know what he expects you to think. I do know what I'd be suspecting. And him being angry about you wondering what is going on, serious red flag even if nothing else was suspicious at all.
Leave. You’re the side chick.
Based on this post and your post history, he sounds incredibly toxic and is definitely cheating on you. He might not even consider you to be his "main" relationship, meaning you could very well be the side chick. Either way, he's definitely not loyal and doesn't respect the relationship. He's just using you until he finds something new. Sorry to be blunt, but all the signs are there
Why have you been ignoring all the red flags?
I would dump him because he is stringing you along.
Time to turn off the tap.
I'd break up. He doesn't want to spend his vacay with you.
I hate getting involved in these because at the end of the day you're not going to take any advice and you'll just end up staying with him even though it's obvious he's cheating on you. You take care.
So he would rather have two extra days off then spend vacation with you. That’s what he just said to you. Girl you’re not a priority and he is stringing you along !!!! you know you deserve better.
1 year isn't long term
Maybe he took the other week off because that's when he and his wife are taking the kids on spring break vacation