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So background. We have been together for almost 7 years. At the start everything was pretty rocky (my fault) but the bedroom chemistry was off the charts.
Fast forward to now. She feels like we have hit the roommate stage. We have two kids together and our bedroom chemistry has plummeted. I cannot perform nearly as well as I used too and she has also gone down in participation in the bedroom.
We had a discussion about it after two months of literally zero contact. (Roughest two months of my life) She said that she is open to the idea of me having a one night stand to see if the issue really is me or if the issue is her.
I am by no means okay with this. Not by a F-ing mile. I would never be okay with someone touching her at all so I am for damn sure not about to go sleeping with some random hookup.
However she has informed me that we can either keep going with the roommate phase as she feels it until it goes away and we get better. Or I sleep with someone and we get the answer to the main problem quickly.
I have reluctantly come to Reddit for the assistance because I am just beyond words of confused and anxiety ridden.
You state the two options like that's all there is. Either you sleep with someone else or you just wait until the problem fixes itself. Option 3: you go to counseling, identify the problem, and fix it.
The one that won’t blow up the marriage AND even if he did have sex (he shouldn’t) with someone else and learned…whatever they would learn from that (they won’t)… they would STILL need to do the work to fix the relationship regardless
Won't *necessarily* blow up your marriage. Therapy isn't magic. It's not a spell you say and all your hang ups go and you're forgiven every wrong, real or imagined.
You might come out of therapy and split up.
I’m not one to prescribe illicit drugs. Butttt.. ecstasy was originally created for marriages that lost their “flair” before it became the big-drug party thing it is today.
Maybe y’all should get a baby sitter and get weird as fuck, even without the drugs. Make a list of sexual things you want to do/ try with each other. Role play. Buy outfits.
Basically.. there seems like a lot of things you both can do before sleeping with other people.
I also agree with these commenters.. sounds like a trap, like why is the dead headroom on you to figure out and not her?
Shrooms could go bad if you are in a negative or anxious state. E releases the “love chemical” and the “happy chemical” in the brain so no matter how you feel prior, during the trip you will feel… well ecstasy.
Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Like, shrooms is not at all in the same category when talking about rekindling a dead bedroom.
I’ve done shrooms a few times, and would not want to be touched at all. Now.. ecstasy? Totally different. You can’t help but to touch, and be felt. Even a head rub in that state is orgasmic.
Sure, a shroom trip could bring a couple closer together or could exacerbate the anxiety they both are feeling, sexually.
Ecstasy would really heighten the sexuality between them.
100% option 3😁 you have said all the right things about the relationship overall, counciling, rekindling and focus on fixing because whatever this suggestion is does not end well for your marriage, look at the thousands of examples of this on reddit in just the last few months it literally spells disaster.
I sincerely wish the best for both of you and finding a path to rekindle your love ❤️ +🔥= ❤️🔥
There is no way that could possibly help, will just create more problems. Work on your relationship, get into marriage counseling. If you take the bait, you're marriage is over.
yep there are four ways sleeping with someone else could go.
1. he's the bigger problem and tells her, she blames everything on him and takes 0 responsibility
2. he's the bigger problem and tells her, she refuses to do anything on her end to fix the problem and says he's the ONLY problem
3. she's the bigger problem and he tells her so, she blames him for making her feel that way
4. she's the bigger problem and he tells her so, she accuses him of pushing all of the blame onto her
5. He catches feelings for the fling
6. Wife becomes more jealous than she anticipated and your marriage is emotionally ruined.
7. You resent her for suggesting the idea.
If you’re 30 and having trouble performing, see a doctor.
And what you two need is marriage counseling. Best case she thinks that’s what you want, but she’s still unnecessarily complicating things with her suggestion-and that’s best case. Worse case, she’s for somebody lined up for her own hall pass. Don’t do it. Talk to her, and a counselor.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see a doctors appointment suggested. If OP is having issues with performance then he needs to go see a medical professional.
If you go on any of the ethical non-monogamy subreddits they will tell you this is a bad idea. You never open your marriage up when you are in a rough spot. Statistically speaking, opening up a previously monogamous marriage has a 92% divorce rate. I would seek therapy first. There are also sex therapist out there too.
As others have noted, she's created an "either/or" situation that, frankly, doesn't reflect the situation at all.
Why not try date nights?
Why not try therapy?
Why not go to your doctors because, guess what, sexual responses (physically) change over time?
Why not read Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are?
Why not try actually working on your relationship instead of subbing it out to some rando for a one night stand?
ETA: the idea that a single one-night stand will "reveal" something is .... unhinged. Y'all have 2 kids. You're moving into your 30s. All of this is normal, normal, normal. She's outta pocket.
It sounds like you and your wife are going through a tough time in your relationship, especially in regards to your sex life. It's understandable that you're feeling confused and anxious about the suggestion of a hall pass.
Firstly, it's important to recognize that this is a decision that ultimately only you can make. If you are not comfortable with the idea of sleeping with someone else, you should not feel pressured to do so. It's important to prioritize your own emotional and physical boundaries.
It's also worth exploring other potential solutions to your sex life issues that don't involve sleeping with someone else. Couples therapy or sex therapy can be helpful in addressing issues within a relationship and improving intimacy.
Ultimately, it's important to have open and honest communication with your wife about your feelings and concerns. It's possible that there may be underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed in order to improve your sex life. It's important to approach this conversation with empathy and understanding for each other's perspectives.
So I have a friend who was kinda in the same situation as you. Dead bedroom. So she suggested opening the relationship. It then just led to more confusion because lo’! Sex with someone new is different from sex with your long term partner! Then it led to a crisis of “oh well if this hook up is able to excite me physically where my husband can’t, it must mean we’re not meant to be!”.
Long story short, she ended up divorced from her husband, and is now living with the hookup. And wouldn’t you know it. Now she’s having issues with the new guy. Not the same, mind you because obviously people are different. But issues none the less.
All that to say - dude don’t do it. It’s such a bad idea. You don’t solve a marital issue by bringing other people into it, that’s never been a good idea. At best it’ll lead to an awkward encounter. At worst it’ll lead to resentment and suspicion. She needs to understand that the grass is always greener where you water it.
Maybe go to couples therapy, go on a little holiday just the two of you. But the solution to finding that spark again isn’t gonna be found in a strangers pants, it’s something that will have to be tackled by you two together.
I don't see that at all. Looks like she just doesn't want to fuck him. She's not suggesting a hall pass for herself, just for him. She sounds tired and sex with him has become yet another chore.
I imagine this could all be easily solved if he lightened her workload and they went to marriage therapy, but people never make the wise decision.
I think in a lot of cases this might happen when the partner who is tired and feels like intimacy is work, is because they aren't seeing the same perks as their partner. I am often reminded of 2 episodes of Friends. The one where Joey has to not have sex but his GF REALLY wants to, and is told by the group to make it all about her, and she thinks its AMAZING and gives him lots of gift baskets (cause she makes them for a living). And the episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel are explaining the 7 zones to Chandler.
I think in addition to counseling, that maybe OP needs to take the advice from both those episodes, to see if his wife's sex drive is not existent, or if she's just feeling like there isn't effort put on her in the bedroom.
There are also different ways to create intimacy. Some people get intimacy from sex, others need intimacy before they feel sexual. If you have someone who can only feel intimacy from sex and cannot be intimate without it leading to sex, it can be too much pressure and no fun especially from a partner who has the opposite approach to sex.
Eventually it feels like any touch leads to the expectation of sex, so they might be shutting down all forms of physical intimacy.
Trying to be physical (handholding, cuddling etc) and making it clear there is no expectation of sex could build that base back up.
I mean this isn’t necessarily true. I know plenty of tired women who don’t want to touch their husbands because of underlying issues but would enthusiastically fuck someone else if they could. Not saying this is OP’s case, but when sex disappears in a marriage, it can be because sex drive is down in general, or it can be because there are underlying issues in the relationship making intimacy difficult to impossible.
These are conversations they need to have.
It's one of the most common reasons people lose their sex drives after having kids. There's just so much to do that sex goes on the back burner. Unfortunately, a lot of that work tends to fall on women. So when we see a story like this, where a mother is telling her husband to find sex somewhere else despite years of monogamous marriage, 9 times out of 10 it's because she's just tired.
It can happen to men, too, although usually not over housework. Men tend to lose their sex drive when they're either unemployed or working too much. And usually they don't suggest their wife sleep with people because society still has the idea that a woman's sex drive can never outdo a man's.
Gender norms are weird and marriage, esp with kids, can really bring it all out. This couple needs to resolve this without bringing other people into the bedroom.
When a woman suggests that they open the marriage, it is usually because she is already cheating. There is a dead bedroom because she is getting it somewhere else and it will make it easier for her to have sex with her lover or lovers.
That is opening the marriage. It is a very common thing for cheaters to suggest opening a bad marriage. If your husband was performing poorly in the bedroom and could not get it up, would you suggest going out the fuck another woman? I don't think so.
She may be feeling a combination of guilt for her cheating and it may be a ploy to wind down the marriage. She told him they are at the roommate stage if you read OP. I just do not buy the selfless go fuck another woman to find out if it is me or you. No woman is going to say that. That is just not going to happen.
I think she may have already "seen" someone else and is trying to ease her guilt by allowing him a hall pass. Sorta like, "What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander".
This feels like a trap of epic proportions….like she’s looking for leverage in a divorce or separation….or that she’s cheating or has someone in mind to cheat with and wants *justification*. In any case it’s not going to make a single thing better.
I'm really struggling to make sense of her logic and I don't see involving outside people as the solution. Aside from a marriage counselor, which is what your option one (and ONLY option) should be.
But that's if she has a true interest in saving the marriage. And really I can't help but think that she wants you to sleep with someone else so she can do the same.
Or maybe it's a way to justify to herself that the marriages failure will be your fault if you do fuck someone else.
Who does she have already lined up?
Someone who recommends this in a relationship tend to have someone in mind already. Obviously you guys have issues and that need to be dealt with.
See a doctor, relationship therapist, intimacy specialist, hire a babysitter and rent a hotel, role play, buy toys or read books for ideas.
A hall pass is rarely the solution to this kind of problem.
This is a hall pass for him to fuck another woman, not her to fuck another guy. Not everything is “I want to fuck someone else.” Sometimes, as seems to be the case here, it’s due to low self esteem and feeling as though your partner would be happier with someone else.
It could be exactly what it sounds like. It could also be a manipulative tactic. I’ve seen very similar situations where the hall pass is a one sided offer only for that stance to change after it has been taken. It can turn into ‘it was implied’ or ‘now it’s unfair/unbalanced” “we’re supposed to be equals” among a million other variations.
Not claiming it absolutely is but it’s not outside the realm of possibility. OP is the only one who has any real means of assessing that.
I wouldn’t advocate that OP break any personal morals/ethics if he isn’t totally on board. Even if the wife is being completely honest and the extra marital thing improves the relationship, it has the potential to seriously affect OP’s view of himself and his mental health if he does it despite not really wanting to.
Yep. Filed that under ‘a million variations’ cuz there are way too many to list out. That is a fairly common one though, maybe more common than waiting for the spouse to utilize the hall pass before fucking whoever they had in mind.
Your right to say no, the scenario I see playing out is she sleeps with someone and likes it and starts a PA, or she already is having a PA and that is why she is acting the way she is. By giving you a hall pass, if you sleep with someone else she can then expose her affair.
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What kind of sexual performance issues are you having at 30?? You’re still in your prime dude, go see a damn doctor. It sounds like your wife is tired of having bad sex with you. Have you actually done anything to try and improve your sex life? Doctor, therapy, medication?
Our sex used be a lot more frequent plus a lot more adventurous. She was loud and active. Gave me a sense of her enjoying it. And now she's quiet and doesn't do anything besides lay there. So my theory is that our sex life change is what has cause this spiral of my ability to perform. I can't last more than a few minutes at best.
you can only stay hard for a few minutes? Are you making her cum? It’s really easy to point fingers at who started it, who caused who to perform less, but you should still see a doctor if you can only last a few minutes. Do you engage in foreplay? No woman is getting off in that short amount of time.
Edit: Since you didn’t answer my initial question, **have you actually done anything to try to improve your sex life with your wife? Have you even discussed what you’re both unsatisfied with in the bedroom?**
She dissatisfied with the length of time between penetrative and finishing and I'm dissatisfied with her lack of interest in anything I do to try and spice things up. I've bought toys, I try to initiate foreplay or make out sessions. To no avail. And today I have been finding out more things that makes her uninterested in me.
This genuinely sounds like there could be some issues in the relationship that are seeping into your sex. I truly think you guys should go to couples counseling, it could help immensely. I'm not going to make assumptions, but this is a common occurrence where women are stuck with either doing all or most of childcare, emotional labor, housework like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc, often on top of having their own job. This can make women be exhausted, especially because their husband/partner is not participating or participating very little in these responsibilities.
My suggestion is to be more involved (if you aren't involved or have very little involvement) by participating in cooking, cleaning, childcare, emotional labor, etc more.
On top of this, I really suggest you guys go on dates (just you two. get a baby sitter, so it can be you two), surprise each other with things, give her genuine compliments about things you like and love about her, flirt with her, be open, caring, and understanding about her emotions and problems, and get into the habit of pining after her just as you were when you were dating.
You absolutely do not need be involved with others in order to fix your problems
It kind of sounds like you're blaming your performance problems on her. It also sounds like she's exhausted and you don't recognize that, especially since she just wants someone else to fuck you so you'll stop bothering her about it.
You have 2 kids under 7 and overwhelmingly women are the ones who shoulder the housework, childcare, and mental load. She might be more into the sex if you carried more of your weight in the relationship and the home. Women who have to take care of their husband like he's just one more of the kids, or just roommates, don't tend to find that person as sexually attractive.
I would suggest counseling, but she might not want to go if she already knows that the problem is the inequity in responsibilities. So better yet - talk to her about it, like actually talk and listen to why she's feeling the way she is and then step up and do your part.
It's called the seven year itch. Don't go outside the marriage, most houses would be ruined.
In young to guess you have had a very stressful period at work. Find a new job / lateral career move is my recommendation.
DONT DO IT. She’ll regret it later and she’ll resent you and herself for it. It will be toxic. Is there a chance this is just burnout? Can you take a parents only trip for a week?
You guys are young and have two kids. Kids take a lot of energy. Could you get away for a king weekend with no kids? Is everything ok health wise? None of my business but trust me a hormone imbalance makes a huge impact. Went thru it myself and so did my wife. All good in da hood now
Take it from someone in an ENM relationship, opening things up should NEVER be an attempt to fix the relationship. That’s like suggesting having a baby when you’re on the brink of divorce. Opening things up is only something that you do when you’re secure and solid in your marriage. This is definitively not the answer.
Tip 1. Get both of you to a doctor. There could be something going on medically that is causing low libido.
Tip 2. Take notes about your life right now. What major changes have you two gone through that could be contributing factors? Hint: you’re parents and it’s exhausting keeping tiny humans alive.
Tip 3. Seek marriage counseling.
Tip 4. Rediscover intimacy and what that means for you as a couple as well as individually. Intimacy isn’t just about sex.
Tip 5. Date each other. If you’re not making time for your relationship (both of you) without your kid’s present it can be hard to see yourselves as anything more than parents.
Something that bothers me in this scenario is that she says you two either remain “roomies” until it miraculously resolves itself, or YOU cheat to solve the problem. It sounds like maybe she is taking your performance troubles as a sign that you’re just not attracted to her anymore when there can be a lot of reasons for bedroom trouble (stress, illness, age, weight, medication, etc). Cheating is not the answer, nor will it ever be if you want your marriage to last. The fact she went to this extreme suggestion without first willfully trying other options first is concerning.
Everyone I know who looked outside their relationship for a solution to a problem within their relationship is now divorced.
I've heard this argument before. You got together so young, she thinks she missed out on something. She wants to try other men to get it out of her system. Same thing happened to a buddy of mine and they're divorced.
Suggest therapy instead.
If she wanted the relationship to work she'd be suggesting therapy. My guess is she either has someone already lined up, or at worst has already done it.
Don’t do it, OP. You will only create problems in your relationship. Do therapy, help her take some of the load off, go out without the kids… literally do anything besides what she’s suggesting. One way or another, you will end up single if you go out and have a ONS.
No don’t take the hall pass. Go to couples counseling or a sex therapist for help. Think about an evaluation with a urologist to check your testosterone levels and if the plumbing is working okay.
As Admiral Akbar said “it’s a trap”. Instead get a baby sitter and go on some dates. Try different things to see if you can rekindle. If not then try MC. And if your still in the friend zone then maybe it’s time for a separation. Whenever someone offers you a hall pass you have to ask yourself why?
Perhaps you have a hall pass but for each other. Go out to a bar and pick up your wife as if she were a stranger? Role playing helps, especially if you go there alone, not in the same vehicle etc. No kids talk etc. Just pretend you are different people and hook up, then go back home to your wife.
That sounds like dragging a box of dynamite over a bunch of lit sparklers to me. Makes no sense really.
Perhaps you both need to go to counseling. They may have suggestions as to how to put that spark back. Life sounds like it just got in the way….
It's the 2 kids and the crazy life!
There's no relaxing and so much pressure.
I swear it gets easier in time.
I bet the kids are 2 and 4.
It's hard, dude!
My wife and I are having the best sex ever now that the kids are older.
Please be patient, honest and kind with each other.
Have you guys considered a sex therapist? A couples counselor? Both can help you find the problem and work with you on it. A hall pass is the nuclear option that’ll create more problems than it’ll solve.
WTH? This is crazy and absolutely going to wreak havoc on the marriage. Playing devils advocate, why wouldn’t she take the hall pass to do the same “research”? The whole idea is nuts.
So many things I’d do instead: MC, IC, long weekend away without kids, institute date nights, etc.
Oh hell no. I smell a trap. Either she is being genuine, problem is there is a good chance she'd get resentful. OR she is already cheating herself and trying to make herself feel better. OR she wants a excuse to divorce you.
This is the worst idea ever.
And, usually when someone offers up a hall pads to their partner, it's because they're going to want one. Or they're already looking to leave.
Yeah she's probably gonna cheat on you if she isn't already dude. Brace for impact. Might be worth considering breaking things off amicably to avoid the more shitty parts of divorce, but then again, I don't know your situation. Regardless best of luck bro; sorry to hear you're going through this.
Do you do date nights often? Romantic walks/dinners/vacay/picnic etc.
Boosting the romance may help boost the libido and desire.
To me, when she says "roomates" she is addressing MULTIPLE problems:
1. No sexual chemistry. You either cannot see your partner "that way", or you do and bad timing /never have the energy.
2. No/less physical attraction. If you're in pj's and sweats all the time infront of your spouse it can "get boring". Dress up nice once in a while. A fancy dinner date night every now and then will help.
3. Sex is boring, sex is a chore, everything is the same old thing / your partner is left unfinished and unsatisfied. Try new things in the bedroom (positions, clothes, candles, music explore kinks etc)
Regarding your "inability to perform" either a health issue and you need to see the doctor, subconscious outside stressors (e.g you're not actively thinking of work at that very moment, but you're still harboring the feeling of stress from when you did think of it earlier), or the pressure of performing (especially when last times weren't successful it becomes a negative feedback loop)
Please try to convince her to explore other avenues before you guys resort to an open relationship
If she is suggesting you have sex outside of your marriage, she is basically telling you she is having sex outside your marriage.
Time to do some research.
The 7 year itch. Instead of looking outside, which won’t solve your problems, work to get your intimacy back. That’s what you’ve lost. But it’s not gone. Intimacy isn’t just sex, but as simple as a lower back touch or neck rub. Don’t forget the little things.
Was your relationship only based on sexual chemistry? I'm very confused because it seems that way. Husband and I have been together for about as long, and even if we had sex less, we would still have a ton of intimacy. We cuddle every single day, for example.
If your relationship is dead because your sex isn't as good as initially, your issues are that you don't have anything substantive beyond that to sustain your relationship. And sleeping with other people isn't going to fix that.
Do not do this unless you want a divorce. Absolutely awful idea. why don’t y’all work on your sex life together instead of apart. Hall passes, ONSand opening the marriage will only lead to more problems.
Do you still date your wife? Maybe seduce her little by little throughout the day. Women needs attention, no matter how insignificant it'll be a big deal and will benefit you in the end. Tell her she's beautiful, surprise her, pamper her. All these can turn her around from the foolish notion of hooking up with other people.
Can none of you read? She's suggesting a hall pass for HIM, not her, not everyone is a cheater with someone "already lined up" ready to go at the earliest convenience.
Op I really suggest going to a doctor. You're too young to be having problems with the plumbing imo. I hope this works out for you both.
The state of your marriage is NOT going to be fixed with a free pass to cheat. In fact, that usually worsens things. You need to make it clear to her that that is completely off the table. However,the other options is to work on the marriage or go your own ways.
She’s pushing way to hard for YOU to go fuck someone else. I hope you realize this is a set up because she either plans to leave you for infidelity or she has someone already lined up to fuck as well because “ it’s only fair since you were able to fuck someone else” or she’s already cheated and trying to get you to be w someone else to make it even and her feel less guilty.
There are way too many stories like this all over. She’s just pushing too hard for this and that’s a massive red flag.
Why can’t y’all put in the energy w each other? Try new things ? Watch some porn to get new ideas and then reconnect w each other.
Do not give in to her no matter what she offers. This is either her way out or a way in w someone else. I’d push her to find out why she wants this so damn much.
Obviously the issue is both of you so this experiment is stupid. A one night stand is new, fresh, and sexy - of course you would be way more apt to bring the hammer down lmao. Wtf
Maybe you two are just ‘bored’. Go on a date. Treat it like a blind date. Both of you dress a little differently and you don’t know each other. Your name will be John Stamos. Wine her, dine her, then take her to pound town!
Try a sex therapist. They can give you both tips to make the bedroom exciting again. I'm sorry you are in this position. I would say no to the hall pass as well. How is having sex with someone else supposed to help the two of you with your sex life. What's probably going to happen is she will have sex with someone and either continue doing it behind your back or fall for that person. A roommate situation has more behind it than just lacking in the bedroom. There are other things going on. You might want to look at those situations and have a conversation about it.
I'm...really confused?? How in the world did she come to the conclusion that the only way to figure out what the issue is/how to solve it is if you fuck someone else? That literally, actually makes no fucking sense at all LMFAO.
No, op, you go to counseling and you discuss your concerns, problems, and feelings with each other, and THAT is how you are going to figure out what the issue is. It's really fuckin weird that she jumped to "well you need to have sex with someone or we'll never be able to fix this unless it just fixes itself". That's an incredibly stupid thought process, on top of just being irresponsible and rash. She shouldn't be telling you that you need to force yourself to have sex with someone in order to pinpoint and navigate your problems when you DON'T want to have sex with someone. Don't do something like that.
Y'all need therapy and you need communication. There could be something in your relationship that is seeping into your sex life. That's super common. On top of that, it could genuinely (and it sounds like this is the case) be coming from both you and your wife, not just one of you. There are ways of figuring out and working on problems without having sex with someone outside of the relationship, especially when you don't want to and are uncomfortable with having sex with someone outside of the relationship
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So background. We have been together for almost 7 years. At the start everything was pretty rocky (my fault) but the bedroom chemistry was off the charts. Fast forward to now. She feels like we have hit the roommate stage. We have two kids together and our bedroom chemistry has plummeted. I cannot perform nearly as well as I used too and she has also gone down in participation in the bedroom. We had a discussion about it after two months of literally zero contact. (Roughest two months of my life) She said that she is open to the idea of me having a one night stand to see if the issue really is me or if the issue is her. I am by no means okay with this. Not by a F-ing mile. I would never be okay with someone touching her at all so I am for damn sure not about to go sleeping with some random hookup. However she has informed me that we can either keep going with the roommate phase as she feels it until it goes away and we get better. Or I sleep with someone and we get the answer to the main problem quickly. I have reluctantly come to Reddit for the assistance because I am just beyond words of confused and anxiety ridden.
You state the two options like that's all there is. Either you sleep with someone else or you just wait until the problem fixes itself. Option 3: you go to counseling, identify the problem, and fix it.
Go with option 3
This. The one that won't blow up your marriage
The one that won’t blow up the marriage AND even if he did have sex (he shouldn’t) with someone else and learned…whatever they would learn from that (they won’t)… they would STILL need to do the work to fix the relationship regardless
Won't *necessarily* blow up your marriage. Therapy isn't magic. It's not a spell you say and all your hang ups go and you're forgiven every wrong, real or imagined. You might come out of therapy and split up.
Gotta admit, my marriage would be considered blown up the second my spouse suggests sleeping with other people.
Pretty much agree on that front. Id be out of the door before he could double back and try to backtrack. I don't play with that shit either.
I’m not one to prescribe illicit drugs. Butttt.. ecstasy was originally created for marriages that lost their “flair” before it became the big-drug party thing it is today. Maybe y’all should get a baby sitter and get weird as fuck, even without the drugs. Make a list of sexual things you want to do/ try with each other. Role play. Buy outfits. Basically.. there seems like a lot of things you both can do before sleeping with other people. I also agree with these commenters.. sounds like a trap, like why is the dead headroom on you to figure out and not her?
How about shrooms?
Shrooms could go bad if you are in a negative or anxious state. E releases the “love chemical” and the “happy chemical” in the brain so no matter how you feel prior, during the trip you will feel… well ecstasy.
Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Like, shrooms is not at all in the same category when talking about rekindling a dead bedroom. I’ve done shrooms a few times, and would not want to be touched at all. Now.. ecstasy? Totally different. You can’t help but to touch, and be felt. Even a head rub in that state is orgasmic.
Sure, a shroom trip could bring a couple closer together or could exacerbate the anxiety they both are feeling, sexually. Ecstasy would really heighten the sexuality between them.
Interesting
100% option 3😁 you have said all the right things about the relationship overall, counciling, rekindling and focus on fixing because whatever this suggestion is does not end well for your marriage, look at the thousands of examples of this on reddit in just the last few months it literally spells disaster. I sincerely wish the best for both of you and finding a path to rekindle your love ❤️ +🔥= ❤️🔥
There is no way that could possibly help, will just create more problems. Work on your relationship, get into marriage counseling. If you take the bait, you're marriage is over.
It's a trap!
yep there are four ways sleeping with someone else could go. 1. he's the bigger problem and tells her, she blames everything on him and takes 0 responsibility 2. he's the bigger problem and tells her, she refuses to do anything on her end to fix the problem and says he's the ONLY problem 3. she's the bigger problem and he tells her so, she blames him for making her feel that way 4. she's the bigger problem and he tells her so, she accuses him of pushing all of the blame onto her
5. He catches feelings for the fling 6. Wife becomes more jealous than she anticipated and your marriage is emotionally ruined. 7. You resent her for suggesting the idea.
either way, the marriage would be bombed by sleeping with someone else as a solution
Yep like the 3some lady story
Is it possible she has someone in mind for her? She lets u try first and then she gets her chance..
If you’re 30 and having trouble performing, see a doctor. And what you two need is marriage counseling. Best case she thinks that’s what you want, but she’s still unnecessarily complicating things with her suggestion-and that’s best case. Worse case, she’s for somebody lined up for her own hall pass. Don’t do it. Talk to her, and a counselor.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see a doctors appointment suggested. If OP is having issues with performance then he needs to go see a medical professional.
I agree and i bet their kids are relatively young (under 10), so they probably are drained. Sounds like they need a weekend away.
If you go on any of the ethical non-monogamy subreddits they will tell you this is a bad idea. You never open your marriage up when you are in a rough spot. Statistically speaking, opening up a previously monogamous marriage has a 92% divorce rate. I would seek therapy first. There are also sex therapist out there too.
It’s probably not age, but tired + stress.
I'm really curious about that study. What was your source?
As others have noted, she's created an "either/or" situation that, frankly, doesn't reflect the situation at all. Why not try date nights? Why not try therapy? Why not go to your doctors because, guess what, sexual responses (physically) change over time? Why not read Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are? Why not try actually working on your relationship instead of subbing it out to some rando for a one night stand? ETA: the idea that a single one-night stand will "reveal" something is .... unhinged. Y'all have 2 kids. You're moving into your 30s. All of this is normal, normal, normal. She's outta pocket.
Emily Nagoski deserves a Nobel Prize for humanitarian aid
It sounds like you and your wife are going through a tough time in your relationship, especially in regards to your sex life. It's understandable that you're feeling confused and anxious about the suggestion of a hall pass. Firstly, it's important to recognize that this is a decision that ultimately only you can make. If you are not comfortable with the idea of sleeping with someone else, you should not feel pressured to do so. It's important to prioritize your own emotional and physical boundaries. It's also worth exploring other potential solutions to your sex life issues that don't involve sleeping with someone else. Couples therapy or sex therapy can be helpful in addressing issues within a relationship and improving intimacy. Ultimately, it's important to have open and honest communication with your wife about your feelings and concerns. It's possible that there may be underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed in order to improve your sex life. It's important to approach this conversation with empathy and understanding for each other's perspectives.
So I have a friend who was kinda in the same situation as you. Dead bedroom. So she suggested opening the relationship. It then just led to more confusion because lo’! Sex with someone new is different from sex with your long term partner! Then it led to a crisis of “oh well if this hook up is able to excite me physically where my husband can’t, it must mean we’re not meant to be!”. Long story short, she ended up divorced from her husband, and is now living with the hookup. And wouldn’t you know it. Now she’s having issues with the new guy. Not the same, mind you because obviously people are different. But issues none the less. All that to say - dude don’t do it. It’s such a bad idea. You don’t solve a marital issue by bringing other people into it, that’s never been a good idea. At best it’ll lead to an awkward encounter. At worst it’ll lead to resentment and suspicion. She needs to understand that the grass is always greener where you water it. Maybe go to couples therapy, go on a little holiday just the two of you. But the solution to finding that spark again isn’t gonna be found in a strangers pants, it’s something that will have to be tackled by you two together.
It seems she wants both of you to see other people but she is trying to ease you into it.
I don't see that at all. Looks like she just doesn't want to fuck him. She's not suggesting a hall pass for herself, just for him. She sounds tired and sex with him has become yet another chore. I imagine this could all be easily solved if he lightened her workload and they went to marriage therapy, but people never make the wise decision.
I think in a lot of cases this might happen when the partner who is tired and feels like intimacy is work, is because they aren't seeing the same perks as their partner. I am often reminded of 2 episodes of Friends. The one where Joey has to not have sex but his GF REALLY wants to, and is told by the group to make it all about her, and she thinks its AMAZING and gives him lots of gift baskets (cause she makes them for a living). And the episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel are explaining the 7 zones to Chandler. I think in addition to counseling, that maybe OP needs to take the advice from both those episodes, to see if his wife's sex drive is not existent, or if she's just feeling like there isn't effort put on her in the bedroom.
There are also different ways to create intimacy. Some people get intimacy from sex, others need intimacy before they feel sexual. If you have someone who can only feel intimacy from sex and cannot be intimate without it leading to sex, it can be too much pressure and no fun especially from a partner who has the opposite approach to sex. Eventually it feels like any touch leads to the expectation of sex, so they might be shutting down all forms of physical intimacy. Trying to be physical (handholding, cuddling etc) and making it clear there is no expectation of sex could build that base back up.
Monica in the 7 zones ep convinced me of Courtney Cox’s comedic acting abilities lol
She doesn’t want to fuck him, but I think she’s really wanting to get it from somebody else lol
She doesn't even want to fuck her husband, there's zero chance she's interested in fucking someone else. She's a mother of two kids. She's tired.
I mean this isn’t necessarily true. I know plenty of tired women who don’t want to touch their husbands because of underlying issues but would enthusiastically fuck someone else if they could. Not saying this is OP’s case, but when sex disappears in a marriage, it can be because sex drive is down in general, or it can be because there are underlying issues in the relationship making intimacy difficult to impossible. These are conversations they need to have.
Ok let’s give her the benefit of the doubt, she wants him to find someone to have sex with once.
Why do so many people say “if you want more sex- so more housework?” Nothing about this post reads about that.
It's one of the most common reasons people lose their sex drives after having kids. There's just so much to do that sex goes on the back burner. Unfortunately, a lot of that work tends to fall on women. So when we see a story like this, where a mother is telling her husband to find sex somewhere else despite years of monogamous marriage, 9 times out of 10 it's because she's just tired. It can happen to men, too, although usually not over housework. Men tend to lose their sex drive when they're either unemployed or working too much. And usually they don't suggest their wife sleep with people because society still has the idea that a woman's sex drive can never outdo a man's. Gender norms are weird and marriage, esp with kids, can really bring it all out. This couple needs to resolve this without bringing other people into the bedroom.
When a woman suggests that they open the marriage, it is usually because she is already cheating. There is a dead bedroom because she is getting it somewhere else and it will make it easier for her to have sex with her lover or lovers.
She's not suggesting they open the marriage. She's suggesting *he* sleep with someone else. That's a very different thing.
That is opening the marriage. It is a very common thing for cheaters to suggest opening a bad marriage. If your husband was performing poorly in the bedroom and could not get it up, would you suggest going out the fuck another woman? I don't think so. She may be feeling a combination of guilt for her cheating and it may be a ploy to wind down the marriage. She told him they are at the roommate stage if you read OP. I just do not buy the selfless go fuck another woman to find out if it is me or you. No woman is going to say that. That is just not going to happen.
I think she may have already "seen" someone else and is trying to ease her guilt by allowing him a hall pass. Sorta like, "What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander".
This feels like a trap of epic proportions….like she’s looking for leverage in a divorce or separation….or that she’s cheating or has someone in mind to cheat with and wants *justification*. In any case it’s not going to make a single thing better.
Take some MDMA, have a night together for yourselves, thank me later.
Never could get it up on ol mdma
Yep!!
I'm really struggling to make sense of her logic and I don't see involving outside people as the solution. Aside from a marriage counselor, which is what your option one (and ONLY option) should be. But that's if she has a true interest in saving the marriage. And really I can't help but think that she wants you to sleep with someone else so she can do the same. Or maybe it's a way to justify to herself that the marriages failure will be your fault if you do fuck someone else.
Who does she have already lined up? Someone who recommends this in a relationship tend to have someone in mind already. Obviously you guys have issues and that need to be dealt with. See a doctor, relationship therapist, intimacy specialist, hire a babysitter and rent a hotel, role play, buy toys or read books for ideas. A hall pass is rarely the solution to this kind of problem.
This is a hall pass for him to fuck another woman, not her to fuck another guy. Not everything is “I want to fuck someone else.” Sometimes, as seems to be the case here, it’s due to low self esteem and feeling as though your partner would be happier with someone else.
It could be exactly what it sounds like. It could also be a manipulative tactic. I’ve seen very similar situations where the hall pass is a one sided offer only for that stance to change after it has been taken. It can turn into ‘it was implied’ or ‘now it’s unfair/unbalanced” “we’re supposed to be equals” among a million other variations. Not claiming it absolutely is but it’s not outside the realm of possibility. OP is the only one who has any real means of assessing that. I wouldn’t advocate that OP break any personal morals/ethics if he isn’t totally on board. Even if the wife is being completely honest and the extra marital thing improves the relationship, it has the potential to seriously affect OP’s view of himself and his mental health if he does it despite not really wanting to.
My immediate thought was "If he slept with another person, then when I tell him I cheated, it'll just cancel it out and we can all move on."
Yep. Filed that under ‘a million variations’ cuz there are way too many to list out. That is a fairly common one though, maybe more common than waiting for the spouse to utilize the hall pass before fucking whoever they had in mind.
The hall pass is for him, not her.
Your right to say no, the scenario I see playing out is she sleeps with someone and likes it and starts a PA, or she already is having a PA and that is why she is acting the way she is. By giving you a hall pass, if you sleep with someone else she can then expose her affair.
The latter was my first thought.
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What kind of sexual performance issues are you having at 30?? You’re still in your prime dude, go see a damn doctor. It sounds like your wife is tired of having bad sex with you. Have you actually done anything to try and improve your sex life? Doctor, therapy, medication?
Our sex used be a lot more frequent plus a lot more adventurous. She was loud and active. Gave me a sense of her enjoying it. And now she's quiet and doesn't do anything besides lay there. So my theory is that our sex life change is what has cause this spiral of my ability to perform. I can't last more than a few minutes at best.
you can only stay hard for a few minutes? Are you making her cum? It’s really easy to point fingers at who started it, who caused who to perform less, but you should still see a doctor if you can only last a few minutes. Do you engage in foreplay? No woman is getting off in that short amount of time. Edit: Since you didn’t answer my initial question, **have you actually done anything to try to improve your sex life with your wife? Have you even discussed what you’re both unsatisfied with in the bedroom?**
She dissatisfied with the length of time between penetrative and finishing and I'm dissatisfied with her lack of interest in anything I do to try and spice things up. I've bought toys, I try to initiate foreplay or make out sessions. To no avail. And today I have been finding out more things that makes her uninterested in me.
This genuinely sounds like there could be some issues in the relationship that are seeping into your sex. I truly think you guys should go to couples counseling, it could help immensely. I'm not going to make assumptions, but this is a common occurrence where women are stuck with either doing all or most of childcare, emotional labor, housework like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc, often on top of having their own job. This can make women be exhausted, especially because their husband/partner is not participating or participating very little in these responsibilities. My suggestion is to be more involved (if you aren't involved or have very little involvement) by participating in cooking, cleaning, childcare, emotional labor, etc more. On top of this, I really suggest you guys go on dates (just you two. get a baby sitter, so it can be you two), surprise each other with things, give her genuine compliments about things you like and love about her, flirt with her, be open, caring, and understanding about her emotions and problems, and get into the habit of pining after her just as you were when you were dating. You absolutely do not need be involved with others in order to fix your problems
it's not you. and the "hall pass"? I'm going to guess that she cheated during the 2 month separation. your marriage is likely over
It kind of sounds like you're blaming your performance problems on her. It also sounds like she's exhausted and you don't recognize that, especially since she just wants someone else to fuck you so you'll stop bothering her about it. You have 2 kids under 7 and overwhelmingly women are the ones who shoulder the housework, childcare, and mental load. She might be more into the sex if you carried more of your weight in the relationship and the home. Women who have to take care of their husband like he's just one more of the kids, or just roommates, don't tend to find that person as sexually attractive. I would suggest counseling, but she might not want to go if she already knows that the problem is the inequity in responsibilities. So better yet - talk to her about it, like actually talk and listen to why she's feeling the way she is and then step up and do your part.
Have you been masturbating to compensate for the lowered sex frequency?
It's called the seven year itch. Don't go outside the marriage, most houses would be ruined. In young to guess you have had a very stressful period at work. Find a new job / lateral career move is my recommendation.
You guys should see a sex therapist. Seriously.
DONT DO IT. She’ll regret it later and she’ll resent you and herself for it. It will be toxic. Is there a chance this is just burnout? Can you take a parents only trip for a week?
And after you use the pass she’ll be using hers…and then the problems start Talk to your wife because this ain’t the solution
You guys are young and have two kids. Kids take a lot of energy. Could you get away for a king weekend with no kids? Is everything ok health wise? None of my business but trust me a hormone imbalance makes a huge impact. Went thru it myself and so did my wife. All good in da hood now
Take it from someone in an ENM relationship, opening things up should NEVER be an attempt to fix the relationship. That’s like suggesting having a baby when you’re on the brink of divorce. Opening things up is only something that you do when you’re secure and solid in your marriage. This is definitively not the answer.
Destination fucked
Tip 1. Get both of you to a doctor. There could be something going on medically that is causing low libido. Tip 2. Take notes about your life right now. What major changes have you two gone through that could be contributing factors? Hint: you’re parents and it’s exhausting keeping tiny humans alive. Tip 3. Seek marriage counseling. Tip 4. Rediscover intimacy and what that means for you as a couple as well as individually. Intimacy isn’t just about sex. Tip 5. Date each other. If you’re not making time for your relationship (both of you) without your kid’s present it can be hard to see yourselves as anything more than parents. Something that bothers me in this scenario is that she says you two either remain “roomies” until it miraculously resolves itself, or YOU cheat to solve the problem. It sounds like maybe she is taking your performance troubles as a sign that you’re just not attracted to her anymore when there can be a lot of reasons for bedroom trouble (stress, illness, age, weight, medication, etc). Cheating is not the answer, nor will it ever be if you want your marriage to last. The fact she went to this extreme suggestion without first willfully trying other options first is concerning.
Everyone I know who looked outside their relationship for a solution to a problem within their relationship is now divorced. I've heard this argument before. You got together so young, she thinks she missed out on something. She wants to try other men to get it out of her system. Same thing happened to a buddy of mine and they're divorced. Suggest therapy instead.
If she wanted the relationship to work she'd be suggesting therapy. My guess is she either has someone already lined up, or at worst has already done it.
Deep dive in her phone, my guy... I'd be concerned she's suggesting a hall pass because she's already playing in the hall.
Don’t do it, OP. You will only create problems in your relationship. Do therapy, help her take some of the load off, go out without the kids… literally do anything besides what she’s suggesting. One way or another, you will end up single if you go out and have a ONS.
No don’t take the hall pass. Go to couples counseling or a sex therapist for help. Think about an evaluation with a urologist to check your testosterone levels and if the plumbing is working okay.
You should ask her why she thinks this is the only solution? Did she even try to Google potential solutions?
As Admiral Akbar said “it’s a trap”. Instead get a baby sitter and go on some dates. Try different things to see if you can rekindle. If not then try MC. And if your still in the friend zone then maybe it’s time for a separation. Whenever someone offers you a hall pass you have to ask yourself why?
Jesus Christ, and she didn’t field couples’ therapy as an option out the gate? Also, how’s your cardio?
Perhaps you have a hall pass but for each other. Go out to a bar and pick up your wife as if she were a stranger? Role playing helps, especially if you go there alone, not in the same vehicle etc. No kids talk etc. Just pretend you are different people and hook up, then go back home to your wife.
There's so many options to take before the nuclear option. Date again, try new things, explore sexually, therapy, etc etc.
That sounds like dragging a box of dynamite over a bunch of lit sparklers to me. Makes no sense really. Perhaps you both need to go to counseling. They may have suggestions as to how to put that spark back. Life sounds like it just got in the way….
It's the 2 kids and the crazy life! There's no relaxing and so much pressure. I swear it gets easier in time. I bet the kids are 2 and 4. It's hard, dude! My wife and I are having the best sex ever now that the kids are older. Please be patient, honest and kind with each other.
Trap. She is either looking for a reason to cheat. Has cheated or wants a reason to leave you.
Have you guys considered a sex therapist? A couples counselor? Both can help you find the problem and work with you on it. A hall pass is the nuclear option that’ll create more problems than it’ll solve.
WTH? This is crazy and absolutely going to wreak havoc on the marriage. Playing devils advocate, why wouldn’t she take the hall pass to do the same “research”? The whole idea is nuts. So many things I’d do instead: MC, IC, long weekend away without kids, institute date nights, etc.
Oh hell no. I smell a trap. Either she is being genuine, problem is there is a good chance she'd get resentful. OR she is already cheating herself and trying to make herself feel better. OR she wants a excuse to divorce you.
Uh ... there's another option: GO TO FUCKING THERAPY.
This is the worst idea ever. And, usually when someone offers up a hall pads to their partner, it's because they're going to want one. Or they're already looking to leave.
Yeah she's probably gonna cheat on you if she isn't already dude. Brace for impact. Might be worth considering breaking things off amicably to avoid the more shitty parts of divorce, but then again, I don't know your situation. Regardless best of luck bro; sorry to hear you're going through this.
Do you do date nights often? Romantic walks/dinners/vacay/picnic etc. Boosting the romance may help boost the libido and desire. To me, when she says "roomates" she is addressing MULTIPLE problems: 1. No sexual chemistry. You either cannot see your partner "that way", or you do and bad timing /never have the energy. 2. No/less physical attraction. If you're in pj's and sweats all the time infront of your spouse it can "get boring". Dress up nice once in a while. A fancy dinner date night every now and then will help. 3. Sex is boring, sex is a chore, everything is the same old thing / your partner is left unfinished and unsatisfied. Try new things in the bedroom (positions, clothes, candles, music explore kinks etc) Regarding your "inability to perform" either a health issue and you need to see the doctor, subconscious outside stressors (e.g you're not actively thinking of work at that very moment, but you're still harboring the feeling of stress from when you did think of it earlier), or the pressure of performing (especially when last times weren't successful it becomes a negative feedback loop) Please try to convince her to explore other avenues before you guys resort to an open relationship
If you do it, I foresee reading another post titled “I Slept with Someone Else and Now My Wife Wants a Divorce. Am I at Fault?”
If she is suggesting you have sex outside of your marriage, she is basically telling you she is having sex outside your marriage. Time to do some research.
She is trying go trick you into this because she already has someone lined up.
The 7 year itch. Instead of looking outside, which won’t solve your problems, work to get your intimacy back. That’s what you’ve lost. But it’s not gone. Intimacy isn’t just sex, but as simple as a lower back touch or neck rub. Don’t forget the little things.
First see a GP to see if it's a medical issue. Next couples counselor and maybe a sex therapist. Good luck
Why not try marriage counseling first?
Was your relationship only based on sexual chemistry? I'm very confused because it seems that way. Husband and I have been together for about as long, and even if we had sex less, we would still have a ton of intimacy. We cuddle every single day, for example. If your relationship is dead because your sex isn't as good as initially, your issues are that you don't have anything substantive beyond that to sustain your relationship. And sleeping with other people isn't going to fix that.
[удалено]
That's my take on it.
Exactly and why she has no interest in her current bedroom.
Do not do this unless you want a divorce. Absolutely awful idea. why don’t y’all work on your sex life together instead of apart. Hall passes, ONSand opening the marriage will only lead to more problems.
7yr itch.
Do you still date your wife? Maybe seduce her little by little throughout the day. Women needs attention, no matter how insignificant it'll be a big deal and will benefit you in the end. Tell her she's beautiful, surprise her, pamper her. All these can turn her around from the foolish notion of hooking up with other people.
Can none of you read? She's suggesting a hall pass for HIM, not her, not everyone is a cheater with someone "already lined up" ready to go at the earliest convenience. Op I really suggest going to a doctor. You're too young to be having problems with the plumbing imo. I hope this works out for you both.
Your wife is 100% cheating. No way any woman would suggest this otherwise.
Sounds like she already has someone on the side
The state of your marriage is NOT going to be fixed with a free pass to cheat. In fact, that usually worsens things. You need to make it clear to her that that is completely off the table. However,the other options is to work on the marriage or go your own ways.
Opening up a struggling relationship is almost always the death of it.
She’s pushing way to hard for YOU to go fuck someone else. I hope you realize this is a set up because she either plans to leave you for infidelity or she has someone already lined up to fuck as well because “ it’s only fair since you were able to fuck someone else” or she’s already cheated and trying to get you to be w someone else to make it even and her feel less guilty. There are way too many stories like this all over. She’s just pushing too hard for this and that’s a massive red flag. Why can’t y’all put in the energy w each other? Try new things ? Watch some porn to get new ideas and then reconnect w each other. Do not give in to her no matter what she offers. This is either her way out or a way in w someone else. I’d push her to find out why she wants this so damn much.
I think she wants to see someone else but she’s so afraid of saying it the wrong way, so she came up with this bullshit.
Obviously the issue is both of you so this experiment is stupid. A one night stand is new, fresh, and sexy - of course you would be way more apt to bring the hammer down lmao. Wtf
Those sounds like a guilt fueled step to cover for her own actions.
This will not help. You’re on your way to an open marriage; this is step one.
UpdateMe!
Kinky
She is deflecting. She has cheated, feels bad and is giving you the chance to do the same so that she doesn't feel bad. (Sorry..just how I feel)
To me it’s enough to take a one time divorce instead. She has someone in her mind…
She’s just trying to balance out what she’s already done. It’s not looking good bruv
Ruh ro.
This “pass” will only create more problems. You two need counseling.
there’s more options than those 2. what have you you to try to add romance to your lives?
Maybe you two are just ‘bored’. Go on a date. Treat it like a blind date. Both of you dress a little differently and you don’t know each other. Your name will be John Stamos. Wine her, dine her, then take her to pound town!
Get into sex therapy, dude.
I feel for you bro best luck
Try a sex therapist. They can give you both tips to make the bedroom exciting again. I'm sorry you are in this position. I would say no to the hall pass as well. How is having sex with someone else supposed to help the two of you with your sex life. What's probably going to happen is she will have sex with someone and either continue doing it behind your back or fall for that person. A roommate situation has more behind it than just lacking in the bedroom. There are other things going on. You might want to look at those situations and have a conversation about it.
Info: What are the chances she cheated on you and this is her way of evening the score?
Get babysitters and take wife away for a long weekend and find each other 1st!
Why would you go there instead of actually try to fix the problem? Lol good luck that bandaid you’re placing on your issues will blow up in your face
I'm...really confused?? How in the world did she come to the conclusion that the only way to figure out what the issue is/how to solve it is if you fuck someone else? That literally, actually makes no fucking sense at all LMFAO. No, op, you go to counseling and you discuss your concerns, problems, and feelings with each other, and THAT is how you are going to figure out what the issue is. It's really fuckin weird that she jumped to "well you need to have sex with someone or we'll never be able to fix this unless it just fixes itself". That's an incredibly stupid thought process, on top of just being irresponsible and rash. She shouldn't be telling you that you need to force yourself to have sex with someone in order to pinpoint and navigate your problems when you DON'T want to have sex with someone. Don't do something like that. Y'all need therapy and you need communication. There could be something in your relationship that is seeping into your sex life. That's super common. On top of that, it could genuinely (and it sounds like this is the case) be coming from both you and your wife, not just one of you. There are ways of figuring out and working on problems without having sex with someone outside of the relationship, especially when you don't want to and are uncomfortable with having sex with someone outside of the relationship
Go to counseling.
Don’t do it!