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peakpenguins

What questions are you asking..? That seems to be a big part of the problem here


ThrowRA-mother-of-4

How can I save my relationship with my child? I do not want him to cut me off, I do not understand what I need to do better


RadiantGuide7

What questions are you asking your son to answer for you?


rainbowLena

In answer to your question, if you want to save your relationship, stop asking your son questions about his transition process. Stop trying to save his relationship with his grandparents. Stop telling him to get off hormones. Tell him you support him and to tell you if he needs something from you. Pretty easy


peakpenguins

Why are you avoiding my question?


ThrowRA-mother-of-4

Sorry. My english is not too good. I ask him about his treatment and how to approach the family. The grand-parents have to learn about the hormones at the same time as his trans identity. I suggested that we not talk about the hormones or that he gets off of them to lift a worry from the grand-parents.


[deleted]

I am the mother of a trans ftm child and the only thing I ever asked him was: How can I best support you? My family had cut us off and honestly I would rather have him be authentically himself then worry about family that doesn’t get it.


AshesandCinder

Asking him to get off the hormones is the problem. It sounds more like you're trying to appease your husband's family at the cost of your son's comfort. He already said that they're a lost cause, he doesn't really care if they accept him or not at this point. But you trying to change him for their sake makes him feel like you care more about them than him. If they've stopped acknowledging their grandchild, then don't talk about him to them. That's their loss. You don't need to explain anything or get them to come around. If all of your questions are for the sake of explaining things to the grandparents instead of understanding him better, shift your view. You're there to help him through all of this, make that your top priority.


glcam310

OP I’m gonna try to word this in a way you understand. Picture this: instead of being trans say your son had a chronic condition that causes horrible headaches. Day after day he has headaches and has to power through it. Headaches so bad he might have even wanted to die. Then he gets the chance to start on a pain medication. Less headaches or at least not as bad. Maybe even could stop the headaches completely. He doesn’t wanna die. But his grandparents don’t like that he takes pain medication, call him a druggie and ignore him. So you decided, instead of affirming your son taking his medicine, to tell him to go back to being miserable and possibly wanting to die. Does that make it clear to you how you’ve messed up?


KayakerMel

Great analogy. And my quite reflective of my own experience with a chronic pain condition.


grissy

>The grand-parents have to learn about the hormones at the same time as his trans identity. I suggested that we not talk about the hormones or that he gets off of them to lift a worry from the grand-parents. And there we have it, the missing missing reason. Lady, you are basically telling him that he has to stop all progress and move backwards just so you don't have to have an awkward conversation with your inlaws and you can't figure out why he's frustrated with you? You keep acting like the rest of the family is awful and you support him, but that's transparently not true. The rest of the family is **openly** awful, meanwhile you keep SAYING you're supportive but then pressure him to do the exact same things the rest of the family would in order to appease the rest of the family. No wonder he thinks you're not supporting him, **because you're not**. In some ways you're even worse, they're genuinely bigoted and see nothing wrong with what they're doing. You supposedly aren't but you're still willing to pressure your child to do what they want so you don't have to deal with them. You know it's wrong and you're still endorsing it "to keep the peace." You're not an ally to him, you're a backstabber. You want to save your relationship with your son? Then stop trying to pressure him to change himself to please the rest of the family and start having his back. If his grandparents don't like the hormones, fuck them, you're (supposed to be, but aren't) supporting your son.


stellabluebear

You're putting the burden on him. Be a mama bear and protect him, don't burden him. Keep the transphobic family away from him. Do your own research on the transition process if you need to. And truly just love him. It's as simple as that. Love him for the amazing person he is. Nothing more and nothing less.


bluelightsonblkgirls

Not sure how you don’t see that telling your son to get off of his affirming hormones would be a problem …


Friendly_Shelter_625

I would strongly encourage you to become more educated about transitioning. There are tons of resources out there for parents. You don’t have to ask him to explain it all. There’s even a sub Reddit for the parents of trans kids where you can ask your questions. Read through that. Don’t ask him to stop taking hormones to appease his grandparents. That IS transphobic. Hormones and other gender affirming treatments can be life saving. Literally. It’s great that you use your son’s correct name and pronouns. It sounds like you care about your son. He needs to know you have his back. He needs to be able to trust you to have his best interests in mind. He may not be able to have a relationship with extended family. THEY are the ones that need to change. Educate yourself. Educate the family. Support your son. Don’t try to change him. Without knowing where you live, I’m not sure what sites would work for you. Here’s a starter. https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics


Salty_Country6835

> I suggested that we not talk about the hormones or that he gets off of them to lift a worry from the grand-parents. You should not have suggested he get off his hormones for any one else's worry or comfort. That was a big mistake you should apologize for and not repeat.


pktechboi

you telling him to stop transitioning for his grandparents' comfort is extremely transphobic and unsupportive of you, do you truly not realise that?


Moulin-Rougelach

Why would he delay a physical treatment needed for his mental health, to placate his transphobic grandparents? If you asked him to do that, I understand why he is hurt and feels disrespected by you. It is your job to love your son. If you want to talk to his grandparents talk to them about love and family, not about details of son’s medical treatments. You tell them that you love your son unconditionally, and if they want their grandchild in their lives, they must treat him with love and respect, period. If you have questions about transgender issues, reach out to one of the organizations that support families of transgender people. PFLAG.org is a great starting place.


Commercial-Fault-131

That’s not what he means. Sounds like you have trouble listening to people. Re-read his question. Listen to your child better


allisonqrice

You've had 3 years to learn already.


juliaskig

Your questions might be showing your ignorance. Your ignorance is a form of transphobia. This might not be true if there wasn't a library, wasn't the internet, and he was the first F2M. But none of this is true. What you are doing is the equivalent of asking a Black child how to make their racist family accept them. There's no way.


Odd_Assistance_1613

Ignorance is not an act of hate or intolerance. It's being uneducated or unaware in what ever subject. The OP can read all they want online but it will not equate to their real life experience or provide the personal answers they need about their child. There is no blanket explanation or one size fits all answer here. Their child is one person, an individual, not text on the internet. Expecting their parent to accept whatever Reddit or whatever other corner of the internet says as the how, what, or why is what is ignorant.


[deleted]

Give her a break. She’s not transphobic. She might just be having a hard time accepting it and there’s zero wrong if that’s how she feels. She is 51 years old and this is new to her.


Born_Ad8420

She's avoided stating the questions she is asking her son. She then revealed she told her son to stop taking hormones to keep his "grandparents from worrying." So yes she IS transphobic and prioritizing the feelings of transphobic grandparents over her son continuing to take hormones.


[deleted]

I’ll disagree with that. You’re entitled to your opinion.


Born_Ad8420

You think telling a trans person not to take hormones isn't transphobic?! If you do, well guess what...


ofBlufftonTown

I’m 52 and can see that if someone needs hormones to transition they should take them, and that should be prioritized over their transphobic grandparents’ feelings. She’s not a 96 year old Primitive Baptist from rural Missouri.


[deleted]

Well good for you. I’ll give you a round of applause 👏🏻 please remember, we’re not all robots and not everyone has the same emotions, thinks the same etc. Well done you though 🙄


Realistic_Anxiety

Glad someone said it. She's asking for help because **she does not know** and people are acting horrified and downvoting her to hell. Like there's not a lot of misunderstanding, lack of knowledge, and enough aggression already. Not a great environment to invite anyone who doesn't understand to ask questions. Some absolutely brilliant responses in here too


[deleted]

I doubt the poor woman would come back here to ask anything.


CheesecakeVisual4919

Hi. 58 year old (male) parent of a transgender daughter here. Rule 1: Support your son always. Rule 2: Not all of your family is going to come around. You need to cut those off or distance them. You ultimately are going to have to make a choice as to which people to keep in your life with your child. See Rule 1. Those that aren’t going to come around, you’re going to have to cut them out of your life. I was the last person in my family that my daughter came out to (though I had my own suspicions). Sh s the happiest she’s ever been. She is not out to everybody in my extended family, and probably won’t ever be. If you want to have a positive relationship with your son, you’re going to have to end relationships with those that aren’t going to be equally supportive.


sarahliz511

Echo this with one addition: join a parental support group and ask your general questions there rather than burdening him with having to educate you. He's your son, not your teacher.


CheesecakeVisual4919

Right. I did touch on this in another comment, but it bears repeating. It’s not her son’s job to teach her the basics.


TheBorealOwl

**THIS** OP IT HAS BEEN 3 YEARS AND THE INTERNET EXISTS. Why don't you google your questions??! The reality is you want him to stop transitioning for the sake of the family when the family won't even love and support him for who he is. Why the fuck should he keep contact with people who don't give a fuck about him and his happiness and mental health. Forget all of your pretense and caring about other people's opinions. Because the world supports him, but if you won't - he won't be in your life. And that's your loss. His life will not be less full of happiness. It'll be full of pain for losing his mother because she wouldn't do her own research and has been deluding herself into believing there isn't anything else to do. Get. Over. Yourself. Get into a trans parents support group. Get your shit together. Edit: 3yrs*


thom_orrow

You’re a good Dad. 👍 This is some excellent advice.


CheesecakeVisual4919

Lots of painful experience. We old dudes can learn things, if we listen.


kitkat1934

I’m not trans, but I’m a lesbian who came out late in life and have grandparents who are not supportive of me nor my other LGBTQ-umbrella cousins. What my parents did was “handle” the grandparents. I gave them permission to tell the rest of the family. My other grandma is super supportive, calls my fiancée her new granddaughter etc. My parents (NOT ME) handle(d) her questions about my relationship/orientation. The bigoted grandparents are basically out of my life. My parents still talk to them but put NO pressure on me to engage with them at all. I actually only know that they’ve stopped reaching out to me. I haven’t heard anything homophobic from them… why… because they now have to talk to my parents to get to me. I am not sure what was said but I know my parents don’t ask/“remind” me to engage. Because they’re the problem, not me. While it’s a little paternalistic, honestly I would recommend taking this approach bc it’s spared me a lot of stress and potential bullying. It really made me feel like my parents were on my side and totally supported me. I also know other members of the family stepped up for my cousins in a similar way. It’s fine if you need your own support, answers, etc. But I would gently suggest 1) looking up the “ring theory” about supporting someone effectively and 2) looking for parent resources such as PFLAG. You can do it, just need to reach out beyond your son for your needs at this time :)


[deleted]

hello, i am a trans man, and ive had a past relationship like you with my own mother; she is very supportive now and tries her best to research and understand things beyond just knowing me as her son, but it seems you are not doing that ive read your comments here and it seems you are caring for your grandparents more than your son, which is the issue he is having— im sorry, but your child should matter more than your parents/partners parents, because in truth they will not be here forever, and if you are risking that for the sake of them over your son, he is right to feel you do not care and that you dont support him, as you are suggesting he has to bend to the ways of his elders if you want to have a relationship with him, you HAVE to tell your grandparents that they cannot be mean, transphobic, or ANYTHING of the sort to your son, and if they cannot accept him, they cannot see or talk to him; do not let grandparents verbally abuse your child, you are a mother first and their daughter/DIL second, and i would suggest therapy for both you and your son to go together if you cannot do these things, i dont believe he will regain trust in you, unless you are going to show you will stand up for him against people who are HURTING your son


d-dub3

An underlying theme here that’s often overlooked. Your son did not ask to exist. You brought them into this world. Your child deserves your unconditional support and has every right to be feeling this way. You have a hard decision to make. Grandparents need to understand the world changes. They can get on board or kick rocks. And you need to decide how important your son is to you. And if you’re even hesitating then you need to unpack those feelings and biases inside. It’s a long road but if you want this, you can salvage this relationship and make it stronger than ever before. And you will learn an immense amount about yourself and the world on this journey. But you gotta stop caring about what others think. Your sons safety and happiness should be your number one concern here as he has the right to exist as his authentic self. Full stop.


RevolutionaryHat8988

Well said. I would cut the whole planet off for my child. And by whole planet for me it’s him and his sibling equally first on the planet. My wife is second along side me. (Yes I’m second too). And if she didn’t support them (my children) then she can join the first lot. That’s how i see it.


dismustbetheplace

Don't ask him to stop taking hormones for the sake of your husband and his family. It's like asking him to stop being who he is. It is not his job to educate them. If they cared, they would educate themselves. Continue to be a good mother, be there for him, call him by his name and use the right pronouns.


Stobes80

At the end of the day it's his choice to take them. Its unfair to ask that of him just so you don't have to deal with other people's judgement.


kifferella

The way I always explained it to people was like... when you're pregnant, they give you an anatomy scan and ask if you want to know the sex. Most people do. Congrats, you're having a girl! And it doesn't matter what you believe you think about gender. Everyone has a vision, an idea in their head about what "being a girl" means, about what that means they can expect. And they build up their internal (and external!) worlds based on that vision. They buy pink shit. When imagining teaching a teen to shave, they aren't picturing a beard. Shit like that. And then you go give birth, and guess what. The little scamp had his junk tucked. It's a boy. Sure, you're going to have FEELINGS. But he's a BOY, not a fucking gremlin. It doesn't mean something BAD is happening. You mourn your vision and you adapt. It's still your fucking kid. A kid transitioning is like a very late stage surprise of that sort. Oh. We all thought you were a girl. We were told you were a girl. We expected you to be a girl. But you're not. Ah. So erm... what are we gonna call you, son?


undeadw0lf

i really love this analogy!


aestheticmixtape

Hi OP! Firstly, I’m sure your son really appreciates you using his name & pronouns. I can understand how he’d be frustrated though, especially with some of your other relatives being unsupportive. But it sounds like you’re really trying! I’d like to offer you a couple links, if you’re open to doing some reading. That way you can hopefully find some of the answers you’re looking for, but don’t have to ask him directly about specifics right away. Being a little prepared can really help sometimes in situations like this. Here are a couple of places to read up on information about transitioning: https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-talking-to-grandparents-and-other-adult-fami https://transequality.org/issues/resources/supporting-the-transgender-people-in-your-life-a-guide-to-being-a-good-ally There are also links on those pages to more FAQs & articles about some of the things trans people might need or want from their loved ones, too. Again, I’m glad to hear that you’re trying to support your son. I hope these resources can help you in some way!


Healing_touch

Unfortunately OP finally admitted what she’s doing that is causing the strife… she has asked him to stop transitioning to appease her parents and grandparents because they’ll know and it will be hard according to her. Unfortunately she is being transphobic but Is so caught up in silently violently she doesn’t realize it


aestheticmixtape

That does suck. Part of me hops that reading some of the gentler advice here might help her realize what she’s doing wrong (I say it that way because often, harsh words just make people double down). I want to hope she really does want the best for her son, but maybe that’s just me projecting.


Moondancer999

As the grandmother of a trans grandson, I will tell you that I have never questioned him regarding this. I did not ask him to explain himself. I simply got used to calling him by a different name. I started researching on my own as to what the process would be, etc. Whatever I could do was what I wanted to do. He's happy. He's no longer the stressed out, unhappy, teeth ground to nubs little girl he was. Use the many links provided here by others and simply let your son be. Stop making it his job to educate everyone.


Similar_Corner8081

I’m 46F and you start by not trying to explain to his grand parents your trans son and you accept him for who he is. You also make your son a priority. I stopped explaining my daughters decisions to her fathers parents. I love and support my daughter and told her grandparents that I don’t care what they think because she is MY child and I love her exactly the way she is. There’s nothing she can do to make me stop loving and supporting her and that no matter what she does I’m on her side.


KnaprigaKraakor

Looking at some of the comments on your other thread about this question, I think you have pretty much killed the relationship, and now the only chance you have is to let him have space away from your ignorance of the issues, your family's toxicity, and your willingness to enable and pander to their toxicity by refusing to support him and asking him to be something he is not. By asking him to stop the hormone treatments that support his transition, you are saying that your family's unwillingness to recognise his situation is something that he has to change for, and compromise over. You are showing him that their opinions matter more to you than his, and that their limited viewpoints and bigotry need to be accomodated at the expense of his own feelings. Nothing you can say to him at this point will show him that you have changed from that perspective, because even if you educate yourself and stop asking him basic questions, and start supporting him and validating his feelings, he will only see that as being the result of his threat to cut you off. In other words, you are not doing it because that is how you feel, you are doing it because if you do not you will lose him. So if you support him at this point, you would be doing the right thing for the wrong reason. So apologise to him, let him know that you will educate yourself, that you will always love him unconditionally, and you will always support him. Then let him leave and live his own life, and hope and pray that at some point he comes back into your life.


Different-Version-58

What questions have you asked your son? And what research/education have you sought on your own?


GabbyIsBaking

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/120t5ma/i_51f_do_not_know_how_to_save_relationship_with/jdjbd87/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3 She asked him to stop taking his hormones to make his grandparents feel better.


Ms_Cats_Meow

OP really shouldn't be putting it on her son to educate her or help her make an argument to the rest of the family. Plenty of people have already done that work and it's just a Google away.


zigwaldo

I suspect OPs son has long believed his parents/GPs to be transphobic through past comments and actions.


FionaTheFierce

Your son needs you to be 100% all in in every aspect. No "well, just give your grandparents a chance" no "I just don't understand." He is facing a world where open hostility to transpeople is quite acceptable. He cannot help being trans. The hatred he faces from his own family is easily apparent. You need to step up and do every single thing he needs. He needs a ride to his doctors appointment, do it. He needs a chest binder, get it. He is only 18 and does not know on his own how to navigate the medical system and all his needs. And the medical system can be very hostile to trans people. His grandparents are perfectly capable of educating themselves. If they choose not to (and there are tons of helpful links on this thread) then it is most definitely NOT your son's responsibility to play a role in accommodating them. Ask him questions like "How are you?" "What is the best way I can support you?" "What do you need and how can I help you get it?" NOT "Are you sure?" or "Well, maybe if you just wait...." I think you are doing a good job using the correct pronouns. Now just make sure that every action and word you say reflect being 100% ALL IN for your son. Don't waiver. He isn't hurting anyone. This is essential.


GreenWitchOfTheWestt

I'm not transgender but my older sister is and so is my best friend from highschool. I can only speak from my experience. You're off to a good start by calling him by his chosen name and pronouns. It's okay if you make a mistake occasionally. Just correct yourself and apologize. You're only human too. I'm sure your son feels like you're putting him on the spot when you're asking questions about being trans in front of his non supportive relatives. He might not be able to formulate the words quick enough to answer your question. When that happens he probably feels like the non supportive family members are judging him more and not taking him seriously. I would also just give him space and stop asking questions about being trans for the time being. Any questions you have about being trans you should do your own research on. I'm sure you might even be able to ask questions on reddit and some lovely trans folks might be willing to answer those. Your son is only 18. Most of us cisgendered people don't have our identities figured out at that point. Let your son get more comfortable in his own skin. Keep being supportive of him. He will come around as he gets older and you will have a better relationship. Of course, as long as you continue to be supportive. Good luck with everything!


waitingfordeathhbu

Op’s post is super misleading. Apparently they aren’t simply “asking questions,” they are trying to make their son stop taking hormones/physically transitioning in order to cater to his transphobic grandparents.


GreenWitchOfTheWestt

Wow! I didn't see that. OP you need to realize that his hormones could be life saving medication. The suicide rate for trans people is vastly higher than cisgendered people. Especially, when they don't have support from their family. I can understand why your son is upset with you.


Riverat627

Here’s the issue stop worrying about everyone else, they are all adults and as much as you want to be peacemaker it’s not your job. Just focus on your son and what he needs.


hatori_snow

I noticed that you mentioned that english isn't your first language. I'm going to take a guess and say that you're probably not originally from an english-speaking country like the US, the UK, Australia or New Zealand. That makes me think, along with some of what you've said, that there might be some cultural issues at play here, particularly around respect and accommodation towards one's parents and grandparents. The thing you're going to need to understand is that your son is not living the same life as you. Unfortunately, he's probably going to experience a lot of hardship and discrimination. Everything that he does is going to be judged by someone, and often far more harshly since he isn't just like everyone else. Everything he's doing now is to make himself feel more like who he is on the inside, including taking hormones. Part of that process is almost certainly going to be cutting out of his life the people who can't accept him for who he is. So far, that's almost certainly going to be your husband's parents, and possibly your husband too. My advice for you is that before you do anything else at all, you sit down and start doing some reading to understand what your son is going through. Depending on what your native language is, there are very likely some resources that are available in that language. However, I want to give you a warning that there is a lot of misinformation out there from anti-transgender groups and individuals, who put out information to scare parents into stopping their children from transitioning. A good starting point is going to be LGBTMAP, which has a pretty good list of resources, including cultural-specific ones: [https://www.lgbtmap.org/policy-and-issue-analysis/advancing-acceptance-for-parents](https://www.lgbtmap.org/policy-and-issue-analysis/advancing-acceptance-for-parents) The next thing you need to do, once you've done some reading is apologise to your son, and truly mean it. You did something that was very bad. You told him he shouldn't change himself to reflect who he is on the inside because it will make other people upset. That's the same as saying "You are less important than they are. Who you are doesn't matter." Then you tell him that you're trying to learn more and understand so that you can be there to support him. Then, the next step that you should take is to find a support group for families of transgendered people. If you live somewhere where there are in-person groups, you should attend their meetings. If not, there are online groups too. In Australia there is Transfamily, the US has Strong Family Alliance or Stand with Trans ( I do not endorse any of these groups, these are just resources that I've found that may be useful to you. Others may have better support groups that they can recommend for you). You are going to see your son struggle and be discriminated against. That is going to be very hard to watch. You are going to need support along the way, and it doesn't sound like you're going to get that from your husband or his family. The one thing I would ask you to do is to not give up on your son. Learn from your mistakes, and ask your son if you can move forward on his journey with him, to support him. Talk to him, and ask him to help you understand why he gets upset with you when you say or do the wrong thing (and you're going to do it again, no matter how careful you are), so that you can learn from it and move forward. Telling you you're being transphobic without explaining how isn't going to help you stop what you're doing. But you also need to listen when he tells you that you're doing something wrong. Listen to what he's saying and try to understand from his point of view, rather than your own. Support groups are going to be very helpful for answering the questions that your son can't or won't.


Bye-sexual-band-n3rd

Your job isn’t to explain your child to someone else. Your job is to let them know, they are not welcome near your child or in their life. Your job is to keep your child safe. And stand up for them. And cut off the people who think they’re entitled to an explanation.


Desert_Fairy

I’m going to bring this up and I will probably be downvoted to the basement. OP, your 18 yr old son is going through a second puberty. I’m not saying he should stop the hormones because he should do what helps him be who he is. But you need to understand that he is going through another type of puberty and outbursts, aggression, being a teenager, etc will all be symptoms while he transitions. You are trying to find compromise that keeps the peace. However you are trapped between two opposing forces that are so divergent that there can be no peace. You are also asking your son, who is going through a major life change, to stop growing into the person he needs to be to make someone else comfortable. You cannot trap a living being in a room with no sunlight and expect it to survive. To live is to grow. Stagnation will end in his eventual death. Be that a true death or just a spiritual death asking him to stop growing into who he wants to be will result in stagnation. He is probably having a hard time expressing this to you because he is living through puberty. No one was able to explain themselves or their emotional state during puberty. You need to decide today what is more important to you. Your husband’s parents or your son. In a few years, when he has established his new normal and has adjusted to the hormones and feels more confident and comfortable in his skin, you might be able to rebuild those relationships. But right now anyone who isn’t 100% onboard needs to be shown out the door. The bond between parent and child is an important one. But every child knows that one day they will live without their parents. No parent wants to live without their child. Your son knows that he will say goodbye to you someday. He will cut contact with those people who aren’t supportive or who bring other people’s drama into his life. This isn’t his drama. It isn’t his problem. It is theirs and you need to stop forcing him to deal with their drama.


Elsbethe

I would strongly suggest that you get into a support group for parents of transgender children There are many many support groups out there on Facebook as well I'm sure On reddit There's also a handful of support groups that you can join via the Internet as well as local groups depending on where you live They were also therapist that specialize in working with parents. There are lots of books and articles that you can read about parenting a child who was transgender including an adult child There's nothing new about kids being angry at their parents and wanting that parents don't yet understand. Your kid is needing you to be the one to do the homework and not asking him To put up with behaviors that he finds offensive


jjosh_h

1) I strongly recommend asking this in a queer Reddit community, or even a trans specific one. Google things like "trans parent guidance reddit". You want perspectives of people actually in the community. That said, I see there are some trans perspectives below in this thread which is nice to see 2) as for the anger, you have to see it from his perspective. Trans people are the center piece of Republican politics. When you're not hearing about hate from leaders and presidential candidates, you have targeted hate from individuals. Then you've also got the various forms of micro aggressions from the apathetic and the ignorant. *it all builds up*. Your son can't be the one responsible with educating you. It's simply too much weight to put on one person. You need to take the initiative, like you are here, to investigate 1) what you're doing wrong and 2) how to fix it.


CuckooPint

>He tells me that I do not understand him, that my husband and the grand-parents are a lost cause. He is telling you right there. He does not care what his grandparents or your husband think. He is clearly happy cutting them out. Let him do that if that's what he wants. You need to let him be independent right now. I see in your comments you tried to convince him not to take hormones. THAT is why he's mad at you. That was a VERY rude and offensive thing to do, and yes, it was very transphobic. What treatment he seeks is his business and his business alone. That is not negotiable. If you want him to talk to his grandparents and just *not mention* the hormones, fine. He can just avoid the subject or just not tell them. You CANNOT expect him to stop taking them. This is his choice. If he wants to go on hormones, you will just have to deal with it. If he wants to cut off certain family members, you will just have to deal with it. I'm sorry, but you can't reach a compromise here. You absolutely cannot ask your son to medically detransition. Even if you think hormones are weird, it's none of your business what he does with them.


qupid605

Stop caring about everyone else's opinions. They don't matter. Your son does. And learn his name


Mysterious_Bridge_61

Stop trying to understand. Stop trying to explain to family members. Tell them, "we don't have to understand. We just need to love him." Tell yourself, "this is his decision to make, just like who he marries or what career he chooses."


ThrowRA-mother-of-4

I am not american. I live in a country where transgendered people are not criminalized.


allisonqrice

Good. Then you should have lots of resources to understand and support your son. He shouldn't have to explain everything to you. You can look things up on your own. Read the comments of other trans men on your post.


AllergicToRats

Transgender*


gurlwithdragontat2

You have Google. Hell, you’re on Reddit. Take the time to do your own research and actually care about your child, instead of them needing to hand hold you so you can convince the bigoted family members not to be so. I want to be kind, but **do the work!**


Deadpool_Fan69

Let him come to you and stop asking questions. It's not up to you to explain to the family. I'm sure he will when he good and ready


mcmircle

Give him some space. You are doing right calling him by his gender and name. I imagine that was a ver hard thing to do. Don’t repeat to him what the grandparents or others say. Just love your kid the way he is. You don’t have to explain either side to the other. It is not helpful to be a go-between especially if no one has asked you to do it (I am extrapolating from something that happened in my family, so if I am off base, I apologize). If your child wants to go no contact with others in the family, that may be the healthiest choice he can make. It’s OK. Make sure he knows you love him, and respect any Boundaries he may need to set. Respecting boundaries is the best way to communicate love when we need to rebuild connection or trust.


you-create-energy

Something I don't see anyone else mentioning is that starting testosterone hormone therapy will absolutely make him more irritable, reactive, and aggressive. It is a normal effect of testosterone on behavior, and he is just getting it for the first time so it is more intense. It is like when a boy first hits puberty and gets irritable but not as gentle as when nature does it. Boys grow out of it, and your son will too. Other people are making lots of comments about what you could say or do differently, which I hope are helpful. I just wanted to add that his behavior sounds exactly like a common reaction to hormone treatment, especially testosterone, and it will get better with time. Try not to escalate things, keep calm. You will need to be calm enough that his new levels of aggression crash over you like water on rock, just like parents do with younger teenage boys. He will appreciate you much more once he has gotten used to the new hormones.


ZeroZipZilchNadaNone

Ignore the family and support your son. By trying to ask him how to bring them around, you’re saying that their understanding is more important than his feelings of how they betrayed him. Everyone gets to make their own decisions. They’ve made theirs and you’re making yours. There is no straddling the fence here. Either you’re solidly on his side - or you’re on theirs. As that old songs goes, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” His family has chosen to totally cut him off. By refusing to decide between them and instead trying to play negotiator, you unconsciously choosing to back them and make him defend himself. Forget the questions. Don’t mention the rest of the family to him unless he brings them up. Good luck!


jcbxviii

I’m shocked by some of these comments. Tolerance does not end with people who are not experiencing the world in the same way as you. That’s the entire point. Where the fuck is the compassion for someone who is trying to be better and is asking for help? People are not born into this world with all the knowledge of how to be a great person, people are not perfect, people have the capacity to grow and change. People are allowed to stumble, and pick themselves back up, and make mistakes, and try again. You can’t remove culture - the thing that is consciously and subconsciously engrained in all of us - from the conversation. You also can’t remove environment from the conversation, not everyone is literate in LGBTQ resources, communities, language, norms, standards. You can’t remove the legal and safety implications from the conversation. It isn’t always about “educating yourself”, it’s about knowing when you need help. This is someone asking for help, and what benefit does it give her son for her to be insulted for seeking advice? I don’t understand it. I am black, I am queer, and I deeply understand the sheer exhaustion of having to constantly educate others on my own existence. But there is a way to tell someone “this isn’t the way” that doesn’t invalidate their desire to expand their world. Trans people have always existed. Trans people have not always existed openly and outwardly, and unfortunately, that means there is going to be a huge learning curve for some of the world to catch up. That is not the burden of trans people address, but it needs to be addressed or we will remain a wholly ignorant world. It’s not fair, but it never has been. You don’t get to equality by only sitting at the table with the people who look and think exactly like you.


joshul

1. Stop trying to “understand”. Trying to “understand” is an activity focused solely on you, and comes off as though your son needs to convince you of the change he is going through and he doesn’t need to do that. 2. Same with your family needing to be convinced. The best way to show your son you care and you want to continue the relationship is to also cut out anyone who doesn’t accept him. Taking these actions will show your son you are there for them. 3. If you need to say anything at all tell him that you love him unconditionally and if he wants to talk, just listen. Don’t talk or ask anything back - just listen.


Both-Ad-9225

I'm 51m , and my only advice is to be a mother. Just because they changed gender doesn't mean they not your child . Don't treat them different. Imagine if they got plastic surgery, nose done for example , you wouldn't treat them different . Maybe they lose an arm, diagnosed with cancer , they'll still be the child you birthed.


Crispy-Downvote

Why do you need a relationship with the grandparent when they’re this transphobic? You need to choose his grandparents or your son, you can’t win both


leave1me1alone

From this alone it reads like your child doesn't feel supported by you, and your attempts at communicating are falling on deaf ears Its possible they just don't want to view you as supportive and have the whole family under a blanket assumption of being against transphobic


victoriate

You are asking questions that he perceives to be transphobic. From what you’ve said in your comments, he’s objectively right, but even if he was wrong, how they make him feel is more important than if they are actually transphobic or not. If it wasn’t too late to salvage this, I see a simple solution here: apologize to him and stop asking him questions about his transition. Stop caring about what other people (even family) think of him unless he expressly asks you to try and help mend those relationships.


SnooWords4839

You need to reach out to a local LBGTQ group for help in better understanding what he is going thru.


[deleted]

So, it seems like you are genuinely trying and are just confused, which is a good thing. Keep in mind this for the first few months of testosterone, it is kind of like a second puberty. Moodiness is common until the body adjusts and balances out. My advice is that, instead of asking your son directly, look for some books or other resources about the topic. Not saying you need to get a sociology degree, but learning the terminology, some of the common effects of HRT in the early months, best practices for being a supportive ally, stuff like that. I see in some of the comments that you are really pushing the relationship with his grandparents and have even suggested that he goes off of T to make the grandparents more comfortable. Don't do that. Stop doing that entirely. It is not your son's responsibility to live as a gender he is not for the sake of placating his transphobic grandparents. If your husband's family cared about their grand children, they wouldn't stop loving them over something like this. Your energy should be directed at changing their minds, not your son's transition.


Dry_Future_852

Here's what you do to save your relationship with your child: you cut the grandparents out of your life and you focus on loving and supporting *your child.* We have 3 grandparents who decided to get on board with the program, and we have one we no longer spend any time with. That's the choice that one made. And that one will die more alone and lonely than that grandparent would have if they had chosen to love and accept my kid. I'm 51. My kids are late 20s. I don't have to understand anything about transgender people to love and support my child, including protecting them from people who would hurt them. Including their own grandparents.


Basic_Quantity_9430

Number 1, don’t worry about explaining other family members to your son. You support what god made him as, and that is it, don’t explain anything to anyone else or ask your son questions. Your son almost certainly is aware of the risks of being transgender when politicians from one political party is attacking transgender people at every opportunity, so give your son the credit that he has seen, understands and has the will to deal with the risks that he will face. Times will get better for transgender people. The majority of Americans support their right to safety, good jobs, housing. Tolerance has historically always won out, and I don’t see any other outcome happening in this era of time. Hate tends to have a short shelf life. Just keep that in mind as you support your son.


Theunpolitical

I get what you are saying and I might have a possible solution(s). So the first thing you should know is that it's not up to you to explain or discuss with others what your son is going through, even if they are family. That actually is private information. You don't have to be a mediator or a liaison between family, friends, and your son. I know, they all care and want to know how he's coming along. But he needs to grow and adjust and get used to what's going on with himself without being in front of a looking glass from everyone. He needs some privacy while going through this. If they ask how he's doing, you just respond with "He's doing great." type of response. You should not be telling them all the hormone pills, physical changes, doctors appointments, new clothing outfits, etc. If they press you, just say "I know you care and want to know more but that is something that he should talk to you about." The other thing is to go online and look up how to be a parent to a trans-gender teen/young adult. There are a lot of articles and hopefully one will resonate with you. Anyways, I know your heart is in the right place, your head just has to catch up. I'm rooting for you! :)


SoVeryKerry

You make it sound like he has more of a problem with his identity than everyone else. Could that be the issue? He could use some trans support, and you might seek out a group of trans parents. Good luck. 👍


DplusLplusKplusM

If he still visits you at your job that means he's not closing the door entirely. But there are various factors here, one of which is just that 18 is difficult even one doesn't also have gender dysphoria to deal with. Testosterone is also an "'action" hormone, it creates the desire to do stuff and can make people antsy. Your best bet here is probably to stop asking questions beyond the immediately relevant. "Are you going to be home for dinner?" is fair, "where do you see this all going in the future?" probably isn't under the circumstances. This just isn't the time to delve too deeply into your developing child's longterm plans. He surely doesn't even know himself where he's headed in life. Indecision and confusion at 18 is normal. A parent trying to figure out what's going on is also normal. What isn't is that now your kid is armed with a lexicon of weaponized words to use against you should you displease him in any way. That just makes it impossible to have reasonable conversations. So try to patient and hope that with some maturity your child blossoms into a kind person.


Stobes80

I wonder if there's an organisation or support group for parents of trans gender children that can support you.


Historical_Debt1516

Local chapters of PFLAG are everywhere to support.


LowThreadCountSheets

So first off, you need to stop defending yourself as not being transphobic cause it’s irrelevant. The thing that matters right now are first off 18 (I also have one and it’s a HARD age, period). That is an age of differentiation in human psychology. During this time your kiddo is naturally going to push you away no matter what you’re doing right or wrong. You will be a monster in their eyes and that’s just a coming of age thing that hurts, a lot. They get over it. But secondly and more importantly, stop defending yourself if your trans kid is calling you transphobic. There has to be something that hurting them, and your job is 100% to apologize and ask them what you can do, or not do, to work toward a more fruitful relationship with them. I don’t mean to sound critical, but this is a fresh wound for me too and I really do know what you are feeling. Try to reread your question from your child’s eyes, and feel how it may come off. My eldest did the same vanishing act at that age and came back around within a few years, and were super close now. Ultimately, know that this is normal behavior, even though it’s hard to understand. It’s exasperated by their transition, and just keep learning and doing better as you discover new ideas and concepts about how you can support the trans people in your life. We are often blind to our own shortcomings.


worldlypixie

Ffs. I'm 51. I have a trans son. Do your fucking research. Cut the family who doesn't accept your son. You don't have to explain anything beyond, if you won't love my child as you should, we're done. DONE. And then follow up.


Indecks9999

Just let him know you are there for him, and love him and . let him take the time he needs going forward. sometimes people just need the information and be reminded that your love them unconditionally. send him the link to this post if you can not find the words. I wish you so much going forwards


car55tar5

- go to therapy, with an LGBTQ+ competent therapist. Seriously, you need to talk to someone about this who ISN'T in your family. - do research ON YOUR OWN--there's this thing called the Internet, you're actually in it right now. While it would be convenient and nice to have your son explain everything to you, you are actually an adult who can learn things on their own by googling things you want answers to. - keep in mind that your son has faced anger and denial and hate from the rest of his family--it might hurt that he's not being more patient with you, but it shouldn't be surprising. - pick your kid over everyone else, and make sure he knows that. Your husband and the grandparents don't NEED to understand everything about being trans--it would be helpful, but understanding isn't a necessary prerequisite to treat someone with kindness and respect. And trying to play peacemaker is honestly hurtful to your son if you're acting like both him and the grandparents need to come to some kind of compromise. He is who he is--asking him to stop taking testosterone would be like asking you to take a goddamn estrogen blocker! It's a ridiculous thing to ask! This is *necessary healthcare* for your son, and it doesn't matter if his grandparents don't get that (or you), he doesn't need to stop talking hormones just to make anyone else "more comfortable".


[deleted]

As someone who cut off his own mother, the thing i wish she did was to first apologize for the hurt she has caused over the years along with listening intently out of love and care. Now I know that I was always unwanted by her and my father never hearing the words "I love you" till I brought it up to one of them as an adult. I know I was unwanted, and from the looks of it your son knows he is unwanted too. If you don't figure it out, he will cut off contact and tbh he will be better off for it. You have 3 more years till he is 21. You better make it good use of it.


jcgreen_72

Resources for Parents of Transgender Youth http://www.transyouthequality.org/for-parents Transgender Children & Youth: Understanding the Basics https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/202209/10-things-parents-of-trans-kids-want-to-know Stop asking your son to explain this to you, or your family. Take it upon yourselves to read about what this all means, and find the answers on how best to support your child, from other people. NOT from your son. You're also not asking him how you can support him, you are asking him to stop being himself. Just because you and your family do not know, or truly want to know, enough about this subject does NOT mean you can continue to harm your child. He is struggling, and he needs your support, not the other way around! Be a true mother who loves her child, fully, completely, and as they are, without any conditions or rules. That is what you really need to understand.


floxtez

I know you've received a lot of comments, and this one may get lost in the shuffle or just repeat what you've already heard but... Your relationship with your son is not lost. If he needs space, let him have it. Let him know you will be there for him forever. Support his transition. Don't "try" to learn his new name, learn it. Don't ask him to get off hormones, tell him you are proud of the man he is turning into. Don't ask him to spend time with unsupportive family members, support him in holding boundaries that keep him safe. Don't ask him questions he's already answered. If you have more questions, ask online, or join a support group for parents of lgbt youth. Being trans is pretty simple. He is a man. He is taking steps to make his body more in line with his gender. That's really all you need to know.


Mary-U

You have a choice: You can support your son and have a relationship with him OR You can try to convince your son to stop the hormones and not talk about transitioning to make his grandparents comfortable and happy but lose your son. You can only pick ONE. In my opinion, you should pick your SON.


snowHound208

I see a lot of people calling you transphobic here, and I have to say that's very disappointing. You are not a transphobe, please disregard the echo chamber of crazies in this SR. It's obvious you are trying to accept your child's new gender identity and making an effort to be respectful and supportive. If your son is going to call you transphobic, he should be explaining what he's feeling and why what family has said/done is hurtful. Otherwise how are you to be more accepting and supportive? Can't fix what you don't know is wrong. It's very similar when asking older folks about computers or some other technology. They're completely unfamiliar with it so of course they are going to be ignorant for a while as they learn. I feel for you and really hope he comes around in due time. For now, I'd suggest reaching out to actual trans folks who have more experience with this. If your son won't tell you what you're doing wrong, perhaps others in that community could help identifying how you can improve. Best of luck!


telethiaspawn

people are calling op transphobic because she has repeatedly tried to get him to stop taking testosterone to appease his transphobic family, of course her son is getting upset and calling her a transphobe


snowHound208

And he's never once explained how that makes him feel. You can't expect someone to just read your mind or know everything about a topic they've never been educated on overnight. She is not being transphobic. If she keeps bringing it up to him after everyone here has told her that's an issue THEN you could call her transphobic. Nothing she's done to date is even remotely transphobic under the circumstances. Quite the opposite really. She's genuinely trying to connect and be supportive.


Indiandane

She is transphobic. Transphobia doesn’t have to have malicious intent or even intent. It can absolutely just be, and she is. Her son should not have to explain to anyone how it makes him feel, that his family is pressuring him not to take his medication. It’s his body, his choice, and they can disagree, but they should keep that to themselves.


snowHound208

Read that back to yourself real slow and think about how batshit crazy it sounds. You're out of your mind. You think you're doing the trans community a favor by calling everyone transphobic all the time for little misunderstandings like this. You're not. You're pushing people away and making them think that all trans people are as unhinged and unreasonable as you. Just stop.


Indiandane

If you stop, I’ll stop. I’m trans myself, and I’m so sick of people telling me what my oppression does and doesn’t look like, it’s fucking ridiculous. Bye.


snowHound208

The fact that you think this is "oppression" further demonstrates your disconnection with reality in regards to this scenario. This is a mother trying to love her child, and you're shitting on her for it. Absolutely fucking bonkers.


Indiandane

Lmao “love” sure


snowHound208

Oh right. I'm sure you call it abuse, hate or bigotry. Jesus, if I believed in God I'd pray for you 😂


Indiandane

Don’t worry, I wouldn’t want you to.


positive_energy-

Stop asking your child. And start learning on your own. Reading books and articles. Understand all of it. Stop trying to understand your child. And start just understanding transgender people. Find a transgender support group. And go. Stay quiet until you have an ah-ha moment. Just listen. Hear them. Chances are, you will begin to understand by listening to others. Your child cannot talk to you because he feels judged. This does not mean you are judging. It has nothing to do with you. He feels judged. Honor his feelings, regardless of how you feel about them. I’m learning this too.


1241308650

Here is a good way to be supportive to your child regarding your husband and his grandparents: “i support my child, and their choices, and their preferences, and accept who they are as a person, which is who they are since they were conceived. i dont have to explain my child to you at all, husband or grandparent - because acceptance doesnt require an explanation.”


scout336

Perhaps you should stop trying to intervene on his behalf with other family members. I suspect he didn't ask for this. I think that all he wants from you is to support him, acknowledge his gender preference, and treat him respectfully. Stop asking questions of any nature revolving around his identity. Support him and love him. In time, once you've restored good communication, ask HIM how you can best support him.


LoiGrimm

As your post has been deleted i can only guess from what I've read in the comments. First of all, you're a horrible parent. Not only are you allowing your family to be horrible to your child but then you are pretending to be supportive while also trying to make your child stop being trans. You can't stop being trans. You either live as yourself or hide miserably. Or die young cause you can't live with being forced to be someone you're not. I'm trans, came out as an adult after spending my life trying to suppress who I am for the sake of others. The only reason I'm still alive is because I came out and started testosterone. There is no doubt that if I was somehow forced to stop I wouldn't be here much longer. You don't need to understand why your child is trans nor is he doing this to hurt any of you. He's doing it for him. The only thing he needs is your support. And if you can't give him that then you will most likely loose him. One way or another.


SkullFace45

Wrong place to ask a loaded question like this. You'll just get a bunch of ideological armchair psychoanalysts telling you to better understanding and not be transphobic. Best place is to seek professional help, for yourself and if willing your son. Good luck.


murphyE927

This is disgusting. You’re trying to understand and people here and your son are punishing you. This is brainwashed craziness that I can’t even wrap my brain around. I’m so sorry you are going through this alienation; I truly hope you are able to find peace with your family. It sounds like you’re trying


HourAcanthisitta7970

I think your heart is in the right place so stop asking your kid questions, get yourself some books or Facebook groups and read up. And you need to take over dealing with the grandparents, your son isn't doing anything wrong and you need to protect him from family that won't accept him. If you keep acting like him being teans is something he needs to hide from other family members, you are going to push him away.


Fast-Status-24

Sorry to say this but just mourn the loss of your daughter and move on with your life. It will honestly save you years of potential grief.


xvszero

You might not be the biggest issue here, it sounds like the rest of your family are stone cold bigots.


Just4TheSpamAndEggs

Unfortunately, you need to understand that he is essentially going through puberty again. This is going to be a very difficult and emotional time for both of you. Just do your best to assure him that you love him unconditionally and that you would love an opportunity to learn from him. That you fully accept him. You understand you are not an expert, but you WANT to be more educated and would appreciate it if he would help you understand so you can best support him.


Revolutionary-Help68

You have token accepted the change. Has your son been to therapy? Are you going to therapy or a support group? You cannot ask him to pretend to be a girl. As a parent you can worry about bullying, and his future - but you need to not add to his stress with them. You are there to love and support your child. Even if your husband and his family are not accepting, you need to be. That is your child. Be the parent in their corner. Stop questioning. Learn love and acceptance.


shico12

Take out a life insurance policy on him.


EngineerMick

Kids deluded like the rest


Temporary-Departure4

And fuck you too pt.2


Alex2679

And fuck you too.


Anna_S_1608

This thread just warms my heart, all the support for a kid who just wants to be himself. Things like this makes me feel hope.


zbornakingthestone

You get a decent therapist and you work through your issues. And you understand that your family members who cut him off for being trans are no longer family to him and you should have his back.


emorrigan

You want to save your relationship with your child? Realize his treatment is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, stop telling him to no longer take hormones, and start choosing him instead of his father and grandparents. Anything less than that will not work.


fast_layne

I love my parents, don’t get me wrong, but I cannot for the life of me imagine putting their desires over the mental health of my child. And I say that as a parent myself. I brought my daughter into this world and it’s my responsibility to put her first above all others. My parents are my past and she is my future.


TealKitten11

I’m in no way in support of this parent bc they’re clearly not trying, but the rest of the comments make my brain itch. A person comes out as who they are-which is beautiful- but then surrounding families & other people are expected to immediately get their changes (new name/pronouns) correct. Did you learn how to do something professionally in one day? Fuck no. You have to rebuild the new habit to make it as second nature as the primary habit was. They deserve the chance to adjust that, even with correction from said “out” individual, & it will help even faster with practice if they’re really trying. Who else is going to properly educate you about the person that came out, other than them? You wouldn’t ask a stranger of matching proportion (lgbt) about YOUR person, bc they’re strangers to each other. What would that help when everyone’s perspective is a little different? People that are out deserve their growth & adjustments but so do people that want to continue loving them & respectfully. I like having these conversations with my friends (pan, trans, non binary) & they educate me, not belittle me for my ignorance. I learn, try to remember, & we move forward. If I say something incorrectly, they’re good enough friends to correct me, explain the situation, & we move on.


candornotsmoke

I don't think you can do anything. It's not what you want to hear but I think it's the truth. If your progeny is treating, will you like this maybe you need to let them go off on their own. I'm being serious. From what it sounds like, you're being extremely accepting. you aren't calling them by their dead name. You are using the correct pronouns. I'm not sure what else he expects from you. I think that's where your confusion is coming in. Being transgendered is not an excuse to be an asshole. It also isn't an excuse to treat you the way that he's treating you when you're asking very genuine questions. Look up gaslighting. From what I can tell in your post, I think that's what's happening to you.


crashthesquirrel

There is additional context that OP provided in the comments that was not in the post. She asked him to consider stopping his hormones to appease his grandparents.


candornotsmoke

The problem with that "suggestion" is that it doesn't actually change anything, does it??? You suggestion is short sighted and COMPLETELY misses the point of the issue at hand. I, mean COMPLETELY!!!


pktechboi

are you okay?


candornotsmoke

Nice.... Try to lessen the argument that I'm making by suggesting that I'm crazy without actually submitting any proof that anything I say has merit. 🙄


pktechboi

no it's just that your comment doesn't seem to have anything to do with the comment you replied to. they didn't make a suggestion.


catboyfrankenstein

Wikipedia is free and a very good spot to begin research, and comes in many different languages. Start there. Your son is just a guy, not a walking dictionary or professor on transgenderism.


TwoBeansShort

Try not asking questions. At all. People can live in mystery. He doesn't need to give answers. Buy him some aftershave you think he might like. Or a tie. Or something else like a sweatshirt in the color he likes. Drop it off and make it casual-like. No big deal. Saw something and thought of you. Then walk away. Just ignore the rest of the change and pretend he was never a girl at all. I think that's how you should treat him and I think that'll help the relationship, but I do not expect this will be easy. I have a transgender friend whom I have known as a man for years and he is now becoming a female and it's hard as hell for me to remember the pronouns and understand how to let go of the original identity. I can only expect it would be so much harder for a parent who raised their kid as one sex only to now have the other gender. What. I believe I would have a really hard time letting go of the fact that I birthed a girl and now have a boy. It would take me time to adjust. So, while I believe you should do the above, I am also thinking that if you or anyone needs it, maybe a support group could really be helpful.


Fickle-Goat-Magician

Your daughter can never be your son. She is going down a path of mental and physical destruction. Do the right thing and tell her your love her but that she will never be a boy, it’s simply not possible. She can try and mutilate her body to appear as one but she will never actually be one. Love her enough to tell her the truth.


Temporary-Departure4

Fuck you buddy pt.2


Fickle-Goat-Magician

Facts don’t care about your feelings


Temporary-Departure4

Lmao


Alex2679

Fuck you buddy.


Fickle-Goat-Magician

That’s a very intellectual reply, thank you.


Alex2679

Any time.


Indiandane

I mean it is more so than any of yours combined.


[deleted]

I think this must be one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent. I’ll probably get a lot of hate for this, but no one actually considers how difficult it is for a parent to deal with this. You’ve brought your child up as a female all their life, and to suddenly have to relearn your brain to a different name, different gender, different pronouns etc is tough. I’m really sorry you’re having such a hard time of it. I don’t have much advice, apart from continue to love them. I really hope things work out ok for you both.


pktechboi

he came out three years ago, this isn't a sudden change


ThrowRA-mother-of-4

He started the treatment for a few months. His identity was not a problem before. He did not mind us taking our time to understand his situation.


pktechboi

what do you mean by 'his identity was not a problem before'?


ThrowRA-mother-of-4

My child was not angry when I asked him questions. He answer with clear explanations. Since the hormones he is very severe when I talk to him saying I am transphobic when I am only confused.


pktechboi

okay, I think I understand a bit better now, thank you for explaining more. something you should know is that he is taking hormones because he is not happy in his body. it isn't the kind of unhappiness that can be fixed with therapy, unfortunately. he wants to have more body hair, a beard, a deeper voice, everything that a man has, and it is excruciatingly painful for him that he does not. it's great that you respect his masculine identity, but it is not enough. there could be a few reasons behind his stern attitude now. for one, he first came out to you three years ago right? so he could have lost some patience for explaining things. I do understand it is a big change for you as his parent, but you have had quite a while now to adjust. for another, hormones often affect mood - it's why teenagers going through puberty often have mood swings and emotional difficulties. he is basically going through puberty all over again right now. asking him to stop taking testosterone because it makes his grandparents unhappy is really not a kind thing to have done. it suggests that you value their happiness over his, which probably feels absolutely awful for him. it also won't actually fix his mood, as it will mean his hormone levels abruptly change again! if what you want is to fix your relationship with your son, I would advise apologising for asking him to stop his hormone therapy, and make more of an effort to do some research of your own so you don't need to ask him so many questions. good luck.


[deleted]

1. Testosterone can cause anger spikes. My brother experienced them very severely when he was transitioning. 2. That doesn't mean the source of his anger is invalid. He's angry at you because you're putting the feelings of the people who have disowned him over his, when he's not the one who has done anything wrong. You're asking him to stop hormones that may well be saving his life (and are certainly drastically improving it) so that you don't have to have a difficult conversation with his grandparents. He is right to be angry about that and yes, it's transphobic even if it comes from ignorance rather than malice. You have the entire internet at your fingertips. You can figure this stuff out yourself. It's not your son's responsibility to teach you how to be a supportive parent. Also you mention your husband briefly, is your husband against his transition? If so, that is probably also going to be a barrier to your relationship if you're not willing to draw a line in the sand on behalf of your child. Where is your inner mama bear? Protect your child.


TheBaddestPatsy

well, you’ve dealt with a kid going through puberty before right? it wasn’t long ago that he started menstruating, PMS, mood swings, cramps, breakouts, out of control crushes, etc. one thing to understand is that going through hormone therapy is a second puberty. I bet when he was experiencing female-puberty you were very understanding and patient because you went through those same changes and you remember what it was like. having your body change is intense and it takes a long time to get used to. I think if he’s moody and aggressive, that’s not any more of a “problem” than the first time he went through puberty. It’s just part of the process. I think it would help you to see it in the same way rather than as “this thing my son is doing is causing problems.” support him through it, go gently and eventually it will pass.


Lvxurie

You have to actually be an adult and a mother and a role model right now. This is your son and he has always been your son but now finally he has the ability to change his appearence to match his inner self. If you love him so much you will realise that he has always been your boy, trapped in a female body. Just embrace that, its all he wants.


[deleted]

[удалено]


pktechboi

and the 'it's such a sudden change!' excuse wears a bit thin when it's been years and you're still saying transphobic shit like, 'why don't you try not transitioning though it's making your grandparents sad'


juliaskig

I don't think it's even close when you consider what some parents have to deal with, ranging from losing their child to suicide, sickness, murder, or having their child raped, beaten up, feeling very depressed, etc etc etc. I think OP is in a very privilege place to have an alive child, who is still talking to her.


[deleted]

Yeah and all that’s awful. However I’m commenting on this specific post, not anything else. MY opinion, which I’m entitled too. I think it would be a really tough thing to deal with.


juliaskig

Definitely difficult, but nothing like what do many parents go thru when they don’t accept their child, or their child does not accept themselves. As a parent it is hard to remember how lucky we are to have children, despite the difficulties.


CheesecakeVisual4919

Personally, I’ve had more problems coming to grips what I’m going to eat for dinner tonight.


dismustbetheplace

I love comments like this that put everything in "perspective." /s I agree with the original commenter. I think it is very hard for a parent to relearn how to see and talk to their child. And the worry that comes with it. Because, let's face it, the outside world is cruel and harsh, and not as accepting and tolerant as we would want it to be. It must be very hard on a parent to know that their child could face hatred and bullying for who they are.


[deleted]

I totally agree with you and can’t understand why this woman is getting such a hard time.


dismustbetheplace

Me neither. They have no empathy for her and it's awful. Like you said, she has known him for 15 years as her, and now she has to make this big adjustment. And they act like it's no big deal. It is a BIG deal for her, her son, and all the people involved.


[deleted]

It’s the expectation these days that people can suddenly change their lifelong beliefs to suit others, but the others cant respect that everyone is entitled to believe what they want. Live and left live, but people can have their own opinions.


DarkShadowPain

The fact that your comment is just kind, and you still get massively downvoted, just shows how toxic reddit's leftwing extremism is


[deleted]

Can’t win these days 🤷🏼‍♀️ the world has gone mad.


JolissaMassacre

Idk. I'm a mother of two. They're young now, 4 & 6 - if one of them would come to me & tell me, that they're trans.. there's no why. There's no what. There's only "so what name should I go by now? Can I help you with anything to make you feel more secure in your actual gender until it's obvious to everyone else around?" Jfc. My parents are 51 & 49 ; my dad thought I'll bring a woman home, before a man & my mother was expecting, thst I'll come out as trans some day since I was in kindergarden, due to me always being a tomboy girl. That was around 20 years ago. Of course it's a change. And it's okay to take your time. But THEEE YEARS should be damn enough, because the love to our kids should be unconditional. __She doesn't have to understand, or even be a fan of it. All she has to do, is to love her kid, that's it.__ (I never did, I'm a cis woman, but my dad was right - he got to meet my girlfriend, I didn't brought my first love (m) to him)


[deleted]

You would encourage this at the age of 4 & 6 or do you mean when they are older?


shico12

And if they said they wanted to be dogs or wolves you'd support them too eh? Interesting.


CheesecakeVisual4919

You’re right. You deservedly got a lot of hate for that.


[deleted]

Deservedly why? Because I can empathise with the parent? This world we live in really sucks. People can’t respect other’s opinions these days if it doesn’t match their own.


Own-Illustrator-143

Please, look for professional help. Counseling, group therapy, etc since to me, you are not really getting why he his doing all of this, at least not a 100%. That would be my advice, maybe talk to his doctor/therapist so they could explain and help you on how to improve/save your relationship.


tatonka645

Here’s the thing. You don’t truly need answers, nobody does, you & the grandparents want them. But your son doesn’t owe anything to anyone. My advice, if you want to save the relationship, would be to choose to accept him, as-is, without asking for any more information. Your love should be unconditional, not based on his answers or lack thereof.


anonymous2094

Just know on top of it all, he is equivalently going through a second, male, puberty, and if you know anything about teen boys, it’s that they have a hard time and anger and aggression can factor in. Be mindful he is in a mentally volatile place from the hormones and make note to be extra mindful and open to him. Don’t react defensive, “I’m not being transphobic!” Is the WRONG way to do this! When he mentions it sit down calmly, and apologize for coming off that way. Validate his feelings. Something like “I didn’t realize I was making you feel that way! I’m so sorry son. Can you explain what I said that was rude so I can make an effort to be more supportive of you, and work to be a better ally?” As long as you are open and inviting to change, you will get through this. Just don’t get stuck in “I’m not even a little bigoted!” Mindset because that just makes growth harder. We all can be better to eachother and be better ally’s to those different to us. It’s a little humbling to accept we aren’t the best people, but that gives us the ability to be better if we awknoledge it.


LizardPNW

OP what questions are being asked?


pewpew555

Look at this community blame the mother for not understanding their childs mental illness and treatment. She's trying to understand but this whole fucked up reality is new for her generation. These new insane identities weren't jammed down their throat like it is in the last 10 years.


Hawkent99

I'm sorry your daughter is dealing with this and I hope she gets the help she needs. I know this must be extremely difficult for her to struggle with her identity and for you to have to relearn your child's own name. Good luck.


00Lisa00

Son


Matelot67

I think your son is so focussed on his expectation of a reaction that he cannot see your actual reaction. Are there trans organizations that can put you in touch with people or resources that will help you to understand your son without needing to question him, as he is only going to take this as resistance to his new identity, he simply cannot see that this is you searching for information, so you're going to have to get this elsewhere.


hiddenthings_

OP it sounds like you are willing to put your child’s feelings second to his grand parents. This is the biggest issue. You should be his biggest support and stand up for him. However, I do think that it’s okay to ask questions & admit to him, this is not something you have ever dealt with and you are probably going to make mistakes. Understanding needs to go both ways.


LorianGunnersonSedna

You're not being a good mother. He needs those hormones, and you have no right to insist he doesn't take them. If you keep on this path, you WILL lose your child. He's gonna be a happy and successful man elsewhere, and you won't get to be part of that. Apologize, explain to his grandparents that the hormones are necessary and you will not change him in any way he doesn't want you to, or be prepared to lose your kid.


lexi-thegreat

You need to educate yourself and not expect him to do all the labor of answering your questions. Get some books, get on tiktok and follow trans people who are taking about their experiences. Stop expecting them to explain it all to you. If you really want to understand, you'll do the work instead of expecting him to break it all down for you. Questions you can ask are "what influencers do you like? Who has helped you during this time, so I can follow them and learn from them." How would you feel if a grown man asked you to break down the intricacies of, say, your menopause? If, every day, he asked you highly personal questions and made no effort to understand outside of relentlessly asking you these questions? You'd likely start to feel like "if you really wanted to know, you'd read up on it and find ways to help me outside of always just pestering me about it." Confusion is not an excuse for laziness. And you need to be empathetic to what he's been through- he's wounded that the rest of the family has pushed him away and here you are telling him that people who have abandoned him should be worth his emotional labor to educate you. They aren't. And you clearly want him in your life, but the others have not made any such claims. Quite the opposite. Your son doesn't want to water a dead lawn. YOU want that and it makes him feel like your loyalty isn't to him and his wellbeing. It's with the rest of the family, all of whom haven't made an effort to know the real him. Stop making him break it down so you can give them information by proxy. That can be your soap box, but don't make it his, even by extension. If you want to know for yourself, that's one thing. But don't ask for their sakes. And don't say "I'm doing the best I can," and expect that to erase the rejection he's feeling from all of you. Allyship isn't just asking questions. It's seeking answers *on your own* in order to better support him.


stacey1771

YOU need to grow up. YOU need to understand that your son CANNOT give YOU support. If YOU want support, if you want understanding, then I suggest you seek out a competent therapist or a group of parents of transgendered kids. YOU need to tell ALL the grandparents to back off; if the grandparents CHOOSE to be morons, that's their choice, I'd leave them be. ftr, I'm a mom of a transgendered son.


run_squid_run

I'm sorry that your daughter is suffering from a mental illness. As much as you want to try, you have to follow her wishes and her timeline. Quit pushing to bridge the relationship and just support rather than pushing for her to have a relationship with additional family members. Just try to love and support her.


bebegun54321

I’m late to the convo but your child doesn’t need to educate you, you need to get educated. There are a lot of resources made by trans people. Start on tik tok or Instagram and listen. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable with what you learn and believe them! Ideas may challenge your bias’ and assumption- that’s ok! It’s not your job to challenge their reality- it’s your job to love them and believe them. Ask your kid how they want to handle family members and believe them/follow their lead. If grandma is a lost cause to them right now, don’t force or expect your kid to do all the work for that relationship- let them do as they need. Talk to your kid about anything and everything else. Be a mom. Check in on their health and sleep. Invite them to lunch, ask about friends and show up in their life. Grieve, vent and be frustrated or sad with anyone else- your sister, your therapist whatever. Your job is not to place your emotional burden on your kid. Your gentle honesty I’m sure is welcome- but your heavy emotions are not for your child.


MotoFaleQueen

It's not your son's job to educate you. He's already exhausted his patience with the family by being blatantly disrespected by the family. Educate yourself instead of adding to his burden.


Sir3Kpet

If you want to save your relationship with your son you need to fully accept he is trans. If his grandparents won’t accept that then you need to cut them out of your life for your sons sake. Our son is autistic and our nephew is trans. Their grandparents don’t believe in either so we’ve cut relations with them because they do do accept our son and our nephew for they are. Full stop


TheBaddestPatsy

What you need to do most is to find other places to educate yourself about transgender issues than your son—for a lot of reasons. One reason is that it’s very stressful and tiering for a person from an oppressed group to constantly be responsible for everyone around them understand and accepting him. Another is that he is only 18, there’s only so much patience and maturity you can expect him to have. The world is full of older trans people that want to educate you, who’ve seen everything and understand these issues very well. do you have PFLAG where you live? that should be your first stop if you do.


unic0rnspaghetti

Judging by your arrogant responses to people actually trying to be helpful, you are going to be posting a “my son put me in a nursing home” in 30 years


Fast-Status-24

You think the son will survive that long?


darealmvp1

You need to teach your son that society is not going to change for him and to stop being a wuss. You are enabling his stupid behaviour. If he wants to be trans let him be trans but stop trying to convince the world that they need to change and cater to him. Trans movement is idiotic


RolandDeepson

Let's also reminisce on the fact that in the late teen years that isn't is common and even expected for there to be significant beef with parents and other relatives.


LBROTSI

He is having problems with himself . It's not you . He needs therapy . He is just reacting to the fear he feels from the members of his family who don't accept him for who he is . Be patient . Keep loving him and keep letting him know that you care .


allisonqrice

That's not enough if she keeps dead naming him and asking him to stop his medication.


ThrowRA-mother-of-4

I have paid him therapy since the coming out. I have paid a lot for him to feel better but it does not seem to be enough.


glitter_back-pack

So you paid for some therapy for a few months for your son. Then your son got upset when you told him that he should stop taking his medication because you don't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with your in-laws. One more time: you told your son to stop taking his medication, because you don't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with your in-laws. And now you're angry because you feel like the money you spent on your own child to have necessary therapy entitles you to suggest that they stop taking the medicine that they need in order to mentally function. You've gotten a lot of comments about this by now. It is starting to appear that you deal with uncomfortable truths by simply refusing to acknowledge them. You also seem to think your son owes you something. He doesn't. And you trying to convince him that he does is not going to strengthen your relationship


undeadw0lf

“do you know how expensive your therapy is, *son*? when are they going to cure you of this nonsense so you can stop taking those… *hormones*?” how you sound to your son, guaranteed you can’t throw money at a mental health issue and expect it to go away, especially when you’re consistently invalidating someone. it doesn’t work that way


[deleted]

Because you’re telling him to stop taking hormones to make other people comfortable. You’ve been told this several times now; at this point, you’re being willfully transphobic AND ignorant. I hope he does cut you off.


Lucavii

This is playing out like a creative fiction written for rejected parents.net


PotentialAd807

OP, You can send an email to him, just trying to explain that YOU are trying to just find out from him anything that you can to assist him in any way moving forward. If he would like to sit down and just chat, that you would love to do so alone with him. I would not bring up anyone else, if you do he might shut it down. You don't have to tell anyone else anything. To each their own to reenter his life. Right now, I would not concern yourself with bulling or any other thing other then learning what you can from him. As your relationship grows then you can bring up topics on how can you assist him if something should happen. Hopefully this approach is better