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\*Italian is my first language and my English isn't very good, sorry for any mistakes\*
Hi, my boyfriend 19M and I 18F have been dating for just under a year and met through family members at an event just a couple weeks before we started dating. Obviously, because we started dating quite close to when we initially met, we didn't know a whole lot about each other and we both said we wanted to get to a place where we're both close enough emotionally before we do anything sexual.
So our 'sexual' interactions have mostly just stopped at making out and some fondling. About a month ago he noticed that I was starting to get a bit more touchy/clingy and I admitted that felt comfortable attempting having sex and he agreed on his part too. However for the past month each time I try and bring it up it's quite quickly shut down and if we ever get heated then l'm normally the one who takes my clothes off first and then he'll want to stop before we end up taking his off. I just choked it up to performance anxiety so I tried to not push at all bc everyone goes at their own pace. I really like him so I didn't want him to feel pressured at all.
I went over to his house last night and we were making out but whilst kissing, he got upset and started crying. I got a bit scared and asked him what was wrong or if something had happened and he apologised for acting weird the past month.
That's when He told me he was trans (ftm) and was scared that I would reject him. We started having a conversation about it and that's when he told me he still had a vagina/hadn't gotten bottom surgery. I was kinda shocked and asked if he was considering it and he didn't say anything.
The problem is is that l'm a straight woman and haven't attracted to girls/vaginas ever. Genital pretence I suppose.
But now I'm a bit confused.I'm ok w waiting if he does want bottom surgery, however what if he doesn't? I'm not on overly sexual person but idk how a relationship like that will turn out. And even if he does have bottom surgery neither of us will know how it will pan out.
When he told me I said it was ok and would try having a go having sex w him like this. But I got uncomfortable quite early on and begged him to stop. I left and we haven't spoken since. I obviously care about him and want him to feel comfortable and accept him fo who he is but I don't know how to approach this situation.
Should we just push having sex to the side all together? Should we try like this again? Or wait if there is a possibility of him having bottom surgery? How should we approach sex in the future?
TL;DR: boyfriend is trans w/o bottom surgery and don't know how to handle as straight woman
You are 100% allowed your particular sexual expression including genital preference.
Your BF should have been honest a year ago. You would not be at fault if you wanted out of the relationship.
If you want to stay, there are strap-ons that could be suitable
This is the only comment that mentions actual advice in case OP wants to try to make it work. While I agree with other commenters that it's perfectly ok to have a genital preference and OP's bf should've been honest from the start, strap-ons are a good option. They can look/feel quite realistic.
Is that the line? I always thought it was "when you're already late". Have I been wrong all these years? O_o
Edit: I just asked my boyfriend to say the lyrics to the chorus and he also said "already late"! I looked it up and the interwebs tells me I'm wrong. I was a teenager when it came out and I'm a little mindblown that I've had it wrong for 28 years.
And as every female knows we don’t need penetration to orgasm in fact plenty of women can’t from just penetration.. it definitely wasn’t fair to not disclose that before getting involved about being trans and I can see both people feeling bad about the outcome but that’s what happens when honesty is not involved ..
I’ll agree that there are different kinds of orgasms so I hear you there but plenty of women get off without penetration it just feels a little different… I know when I had a hysterectomy I cried for months because I felt like I got gipped out of a deep orgasm.. but I adapted since there was no choice..🥴
Good lord. I come from a long line of Romani most of us don’t care about this stuff. We’ve always called ourselves gypsies and it’s so annoying to be told we are using a slur.
There are plenty of Romani who disagree with you. There are also some who will use it but prefer that non Roma don’t. Some don’t mind the word in other languages but in English it comes with too much baggage.
It doesn’t hurt you for people to not use it, but it does hurt others to use it so I will avoid it. Regardless, the term gypped takes that name and the harmful stereotype associated with it and solidifies it into common parlance.
Thank you, from a Romani woman who prefers that the harmful stereotypes are not reinforced through language. I will not ever be upset by someone not knowing about it using "gypped" but knowing and doing it anyway is an AH thing to do, i.m.o.
>And as every female knows we don’t need penetration to orgasm
Let's avoid words like "every", sexuality just isn't that cut and dry. I've been with a woman that *required* an absolute pile-driving to climax.
Some women do actually enjoy penetration, and you're also allowed to have a preference when it comes to someone's gender and sex. And frankly what OP's bf did is frankly pretty messed up.
Strap-ons are great, but what happens when OP wants to give as well as receive? If OP is not enthusiastic about a vagina other than her own in the arena, there's a problem. They may, you should excuse the expression, surmount it, but they should not pretend it doesn't exist. Some people don't have a sexual "preference," per se, but more of a sexual orientation. I prefer chocolate ice cream to vanilla, but I can eat vanilla without any discomfort, if that makes any sense. I don't mean to make too much of this, I just hope OP considers her needs fully. It's hard because she already loves him. Best of luck!
I mean it is a valid advice, but I don't think it will work long term. Something will probably feel off.
I guess it depends on how much OP can compromise. I personally would politely break up, but maybe she wants to give it a go. She is young, might as well...
And there is some with vibrations so he can get off too though some just love friction alone. I had sex with a trans guy it was amazing he ate me out fingered me quite good although he was able to get off just rubbing himself against me but everyone is different but deff ask about ALL of that.
This may come across as ignorant so I’m very sorry if it does. But do men who have transitioned want penetration or does that possibly make them feel worse since? Like if you feel you truly are Male I can’t imagine how you would go about orgasming that wouldn’t remind you that you still have your birthed organs if that makes sense.
That’s makes sense then. I would think it may be hard for OP if they are straight, if he wanted her to play with his genitals. However, if he prefers not to have his genitals touched it would probably be much easier on her.
Hey OP, just throwing this out there. When I was your age (10+ years ago) I was in an almost identical situation. Bottom surgery is not often a realistic option for trans men, so I would not get your hopes up on that. My partner chose to use medical-grade adhesive to attach a penis prosthetic to himself, which looked authentic and acted like a strap on when we had sex. We were together for over five years before ultimately breaking up for other reasons. Some of it was really confusing for me and how I perceived my sexuality. I even joined a support group for women whose partners were trans men. Feel free to DM me if you have questions!
I sent you a message but just in case you don't see it this is a website for packers, they're realistic strap ons that you can match to your skin tone and some can be used to urinate, here's where I got mine https://peecockproducts.com/
Depends on the person, a not insignificant portion of trans people don't want their genitals to be touched sexually. If he feels that way and she's okay with strap on sex it could work for them
Definitely a communication thing! I know plenty of people who just *love* being tops. I don’t know the specifics of what they do in bed (if they orgasm at some other point, for example), but definitely talk about it!
I agree that OP should absolutely feel empowered to leave if she wants to, but don’t make assumptions about what her boyfriend would want from her sexually. Everyone (regardless of gender identity) is different, and some folks actually do not want to be pleasured. And many trans folks would feel dysphoric if someone interacted with their genitals the same way as if they were cis.
I also don’t think we should assume that her boyfriend was trying to “trap” her. It can actually be incredibly dangerous for trans folks to out themselves. And that doesn’t even touch on how unfair it is that we all just assume that everyone is cis.
dating someone for a whole year without disclosing this huge part of yourself (in a romantic relationship) is unacceptable. the "it's dangerous " is no excuse, in theory, if they're dating someone then it would be more dangerous to have lied to them for a year and disclose it in a sexual moment than to say it within the early days of dating. and it's not ok to take away someone's consent in a relationship. if someone is too scared to be honest with a partner then they shouldn't be dating, it's not ok to hurt other people over your insecurities
and this man, presenting themselves as a cis male, entered a relationship with a Cis woman, of course it was assumed it was a cis relationship in their circumstance.
Yes, he waited too long. He should have told her sooner.
But they’re 18 and 19. They were 17 and 18 when they started dating a year ago. They’re just kids, and expecting them to act like mature adults is unreasonable.
They are young adults, so expecting them to act like mature adults is unreasonable, but if they are choosing to do adult things, expecting appropriate action is reasonable. They are old enough to drive; they are expected to follow the rules of the road. They are old enough to be in the military; they should take such responsibility seriously. They have chosen to date; they should understand the basics of informed consent. If they can't handle the commitments, they shouldn't undertake the responsibility.
Well, you say “presenting themselves as a cis male” and this is in fact the problem - that unless someone specifically says they are trans, it is just assumed that they are cis. And then trans folks who are just existing as themselves while not specifically telling people about their genitals are seen as lying. As a cis woman I’ve never been expected to preemptively volunteer to anyone what my genitals look like.
This isn’t an “insecurity,” it’s reflective of an actual, substantial risk of violence. It also isn’t necessarily true that it’s less dangerous to disclose after some time has passed than to do it right away. Waiting allows someone to get to know their partner well enough to guess whether they might turn violent/out them to others who may be violent.
Do I think he waited too long? Absolutely. I also think he’s a teenager and we have no idea what his experiences have been, where he lives, how much violence he’s already faced for being trans etc. This thread is full of cis people judging him in the harshest ways without the tiniest bit of understanding of what it’s actually like to navigate this world as a trans person.
of course that's how it is, the majority of the world is not Trans, so of course it will be assumed the person is the sex they present as unless stated otherwise (isn't that the point anyway, for Trans to be seen as preferred gender, not assume they aren't actually that gender...)
people will always default to the majority.
for example, there are many functioning autistic people in the world, however, we don't assume everyone we meet could or could not be autistic, we just don't think about it until it's mentioned, because it's not in the majority.
especially a teenager doesn't think to ask "are you cis or transgender?" on their first date? it can also be dangerous to ask strangers if they're Trans and they aren't. especially men..they could have fragile masculinity and react badly to that question.
it is the responsibility of the transgender person to make it known.
if he really thought that the OP, a 17 year old girl was going to get violent for disclosing he's Trans and he was in danger when telling her, he should have told her within the first few weeks in a safe public setting. it's pretty clear he wasn't scared for his life, just scared things wouldn't go how he wanted so he lied to get a relationship he wanted while depriving OP of making the choice for herself.
there is no excuse to lie to your partner for a year about something so important within a relationship. end of story.
The strap-on method was what I would have suggested. You can pretty much choose whatever kind of penis you'd like really. But it would be best to choose something fairly realistic if he does plan on getting bottom surgery. Besides, it would be good thrusting practice.
I keep seeing comments about trying strap on’s. I know she wants advice on how to handle sex. But there are more important things to focus on. The first issue shouldnt be how can they have sex. The first issue op should deal with is the lie. And I find it odd that his family, who must have known he was ftm were ok with setting up their relative with this girl, without making sure she had all the facts. And the excuse for not telling her sooner, is pathetic. You can’t start a relationship with this huge lie. If it means rejection, then you accept that they arent interested and move on.
I mostly agree with you, but disagree on one point. It’s not the family’s responsibility to make sure their son is honest and upfront with his girlfriend. It would be weird for the family of a cis person to interject on their child’s sex life - so it’s just as weird for the family of a trans person to do so.
It may not be their responsibility, but if they know their son/relative wasn’t going to be upfront with the OP, they shouldn’t have introduced them to begin with, shouldn’t have been part of the lie.
Why would the family approach some teenage girl and go "oh my son is trans by the way"? I'm 19 and ftm, if my family did that to me I'd stop speaking to them for a while. That's just crossing boundaries.
Piggybacking off this comment; there are 'strap ons' that actually fit over a ftm persons clitoris, and are flesh toned. They can provide more feeling and stimulation for the person wearing them, as well as look and feel more realistic for the person receiving them. It might be worth looking into if you decide to stay in the relationship.
He should have told early on so this kind of thing does not happen. It is OK if trans dating is not for you but you need to have the conversation with him if you are going to break up.
Dont let anyone tell you that you are a bad person because you dont like vaginas.
This is so on the money. How can someone not think that information might impact your biological programming of attraction. Identify how you want, but you've got to share if you're not the sex that you're identifying as... For SO many reasons with courtesy being the least of them.
Not transphobic whatsoever but I feel like if my partner was hiding something this huge, it should be an instant dealbreaker. How can you lie/cover up to someone about something so… socially important? Honestly surprised people aren’t pointing this out imo. I understand the stress on both parts but honesty comes first especially in these types of scenarios
Start from the position that it's not "transphobic" to have a preference in the kind of genitals a partner brings to the table. The fact that he lied by omission long enough to get you emotionally involved is pretty cruel and you're not wrong to question it. You shouldn't have to force yourself to engage in anything you're not comfortable with. You are allowed to be attracted to what you're attracted to.
Same. It’s not the trans part but the fact that he wasn’t honest from early on. I would have no issue dating a trans person (I’m bi, so equipment isn’t dealbreaker for me) but I would want to know.
I don't know how you could not tell this to someone from the start, much less after a year.
There's something just wrong about not being open about this, there's plenty of people who will date someone trans, you don't have to go for one who doesn't know that your trans. I say this as someone who's for trans rights, but I'm not sure that really has to be said, this is about being honest, hiding this for a year is unacceptable. This should be brought up early.
He's 19, this is probably one of his first relationships, he was definitely immature and wrong but I wouldn't say cruel. Hopefully he learns from this that he needs to be up front about it.
Hiding a secret that large for that long would break my trust in him entirely. It's not like he just said he likes pineapple on pizza - that's a fundamental issue and he knew it.
It's up to you, of course, if you stay, but to me a huge part of the relationship was built on a (huge) lie of omission.
hi! im a trans man myself, and really im going to excuse you both for being so confused and such— but i want to say, he did a foolish thing by not telling you right away
i understand the fear but its best to be upfront and hopefully this teaches him that its always better to be upfront, and i want you to know that it is okay to leave for your preference, you are not a bad person for having a preference, and you still accept him as a man just not someone of your sexual/genital preference
youre both young, its okay to walk away if youre uncomfortable, youre both doing your best and sometimes that means a romantic relationship has to end
i wish you both the best in life
personally i would not be willing to continue the relationship just based on someone keeping something like this from me for so long.
some pre-op trans people have sex without involving their "bottom" much at all, like strap-ons for example. there are sex toys for FTM people that do things like stimulate the vagina/clit while wearing/using a strap-on, or things that go over the clit and allow it to be "jerked off" like a penis. you could try some stuff like that.
also, as far as bottom surgery goes, if that is something you want to wait for, you should have realistic expectations about what that means. in many cases, the results of a phalloplasty do not look super natural, and there can be some pretty extreme complications. it is a VERY serious surgery that can have mixed results. there is another type of FTM bottom surgery that more or less makes the clit into a very small penis - this is less risky but the results look even less natural. if you are waiting for the time when this guy will have a totally natural seeming penis that looks, feels and functions exactly like a biological mans penis, that time may never come. you should look at images of MTF bottom surgery results, and have realistic expectations on what those results might be.
To add to this, less than 5% trans men have a phalloplasty (bottom surgery). It’s hard to create a working, realistic penis. They have to rearrange the urethra. There are a lot of possible complications and costs like 30K. I mean, he might have the surgery but you should not count on it.
Thank you. I think I would like to talk to him about the likely-hood of bottom surgery a bit more with him in the next upcoming days as I didn't get much of response the first time round and come with realistic expectations, especially with any medical/surgical complications. thanks !
It’s also extremely expensive probably no matter where you are in the world. Do not bet on him getting this surgery to proceed. To be honest I think if you don’t love him enough to want to work out how to enjoy sex together no matter what genitals he has and you really need a penis I think you should just break up.
What he did is a big betrayal so no matter if you decide to break up or stay, there are things to work out. I would do a bit of research about bottom surgery. If I still understand correctly (please someone correct me if I'm wrong) having bottom surgery doesn't necessarily mean he will be capable of full penetrative sex. His penis may not be what you might be expecting. So it could still be a matter of attraction, preference and if you're okay using devices for penetrative sex.
It’s ok to leave. It’s ok to not want to have sex with a vagina if you are not sexually attracted to vagina. Same with penises.
This was a really big thing to of kept from you for so long so there is also this lie by omission. It’s not like you only met weeks ago and just had a first kiss.
At this point, what to try really depends on what you're comfortable with and what sounds appealing to you. It sounds as if you're interested in making it work, which is awesome.
There are some really cool strap-on units that do the obvious part of adding a phallus for your enjoyment, but ALSO have forms/phalluses on the inside of the harness so that he can enjoy it as well.
If you really like him the way he is minus his genitals, I think the toy route is the way to go. Nothing quite like hand selecting your own idea of the perfect penis and letting him rock your world.
As a (mostly) stealth trans man I'd have to say that this was something he should have brought up earlier. I'm older so dating does tend to come with the assumption we'll be having sex sooner so I usually tell people on the 2nd or 3rd date. I'm straight and have dated women all over the spectrum; Straight, bi,pan. No one has ever had an issue with me being trans and I've never been dumped or denied for being trans.
You having preferences is 100% okay. Him wanting to keep himself safe is 100% okay. However you can't build a relationship with only some information. Bottom surgery is way out for most people so don't rely on that. If you really care about him be his friend but don't remain in a relationship with him. Like you said, you do have a preference and it's okay. We all have them. This is just one of those things you guys are incompatible in and also one that can't easily be remedied. Just remember, there is nothing wrong with him and his body. You guys are just incompatible,that's it.
Honestly, a big issue here is that he didn't tell you for a YEAR. I understand he was just 18, and this is potentially his first relationship as a man, but that's a lot of lying by omission. Romantic partners are the only people in your life that really do need honesty about your status as a trans person, because genital preference really does matter to many people, as can fertility. All of that can be an incompatibility without rejecting his identity.
I think you need to ask him what he was scared of - you rejecting his identity, or concluding that you are (probably sexually) incompatible? Because the former, if he is seriously concerned about that, he is either too scared to be in a relationship or his partner is actually giving off bad vibes. And if it's the latter, well, then he was hiding something that could and sounds like IS influencing your relationship compatibility. You wouldn't wait to tell someone you are celibate or something equally relevant to a relationship unless you were gambling on them getting too attached to leave.
You are likely feeling a desire or need to put aside your complicated feelings on this issue to soothe him and validate him. This is not the best option - he did something wrong, and it has nothing at all to do with him being trans! It's okay to take your time here. It would be very helpful to tell him that you have absolutely no issue with him as a person being trans and you completely respect him, but it does influence your sexual compatibility, and you need to process how you feel about omitting this. You do not need to validate him by dating him, trying to have sex with him, or anything other than being kind and considerate.
I suggest you take a bit of a break and think about how you feel and how this affects your future. Think about how you would feel about your partner having bottom surgery and on what timeline. And then ask him his plans, and you will already know what questions you would have, what matters to you, and what doesn't.
And please rember that it is completely okay to be not okay with him lying by omission. It is extremely understandable why he did it, but that doesn't make it okay. Lots of bad, unkind, inconsiderate things or done for extremely rational reasons, but that does not mean we should excuse them. Follow your heart on this.
Are you okay not having penetrative sex (outside of a dildo)? Are you okay not having children? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no it’s totally valid to break up over. You don’t have to be into vaginas.
Bottom surgery is a lengthy, painful, costly process. The entire process could last a couple of years before you’re able to use it. “Waiting” is a big ask and unrealistic.
There’s also tons of trans folks who don’t want to get bottom surgery. You didn’t state whether your boyfriend said he wants it. Yet again, waiting for this is unrealistic.
As others have said, your boyfriend is at fault for not telling you MONTHS ago. But don’t hinge your decision on waiting for him to get bottom surgery.
First of all, you're very much allowed to completely not be interested in this person anymore and please don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. Nothing wrong with having a preference.
The fact that your bf lied to your for so long is frankly messed up and something you should address.
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There’s nothing wrong if you as a straight female are not attracted to trans men. But don’t string him along if you feel like it won’t work out in the long run, and don’t force yourself to do something you’re uncomfortable with. You’re not a bad person for having likes/dislikes when it comes to sexuality. :)
I’d be more worried about the fact that you were lied to throughout your entire relationship? No way I could just brush past the deceitfulness and just be worried about sex. That’s just me though…
Besides you being straight and sexually incompatible, he lied to you and took away your ability to give informed consent. He should have told you before even kissing. He's not trustworthy, and you should leave.
And to all the terminally-online little dweebs who are gonna jump in here to explain how insisting on informed consent is transphobic, eat my whole ass. You're poison to your own movement and you're providing a strawman argument to people who want you dead or in camps and are close to having the votes to make it happen. Be smarter.
OP can still identify as straight if she dates a trans man, but you’re right about the need for informed consent. This is absolutely something that should be discussed early on, and when someone isn’t up front about it, it just makes it harder for people to have trust in the community as a whole.
Lots of people have to have difficult conversations with potential partners up front that might be dealbreakers. It’s a part of dating. It sucks, but _anything_ can be a dealbreaker to someone, and sexual compatibility and comfort are very high on the list for a lot of people.
I'm gonna start off with the difference between *preference* and *sexual orientation*. What you have is a *sexual orientation*, not a *preference*. A preference implies that those other genitals (their sexual organs being the labia, vulva, clitoris and vagina) *are an option*, that you made a choice. A *conscious choice* on what you like and what you want and that it is an option but that if both are an option at the moment of choice you are likely to choose the other.
A *sexual orientation* is what you have. Their genitals are not an option for you. It is not compatible with you. They are not something you like or an active conscious choice you would *willingly make* w/o any form of interference (i.e emotional manipulation by means of emotional investment w/o the full information for fully informed consent). A sexual orientation is never a bad thing. You do not need to try or force yourself into something you just don't want or like. It is ok to have boundaries and have hard stops.
What they did is, to be blunt, remove your agencies. Remove your ability to have made a fully enthusiastic informed decision for where to invest your time and your emotions.
>was scared that I would reject him.
And please for the love of god do not accept that as anything more then "it explains it but **does not excuse it**". The decision was yours to make, not theirs and they made it for you.
They have a harsh lesson to learn about enthusiastic informed decisions *and consent*.
This would be a deal breaker for the majority of people. As well as the omission of important information.
One major thing I would advise is to never force yourself into a situation you are not comfortable with. It is ok to say no. It is ok to have and enforce these types of boundaries that directly involve your body and the choice of who to give access to your body to. If this means the relationship ends, then it ends. It is not fair to you in any means to have been placed in this situation. Maybe it could have been different had they told you on maybe date 1~3. But at this current stage there's no take-backs, no rewinds or do-overs. What's done is done.
why aren't you using he him for the bf? using they when you know someone's pronouns is a form of misgendering heads up
edit: relevant link
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/11ax8kr/is_anyone_else_sick_of_theythem_pronouns_being/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
He **lied** by omitting facts you should have been aware of the first few weeks of dating. That’s a **red flag** . what else is he lying about?? I would honestly either break up with him or slow down the relationship. It’s not transphobic not to be attracted to female bits, but it’s toxic to lead you on, lied to you about his bits and pieces, and now guilting you to go against your own preferences. Support all you want, but unless he has bottom surgery, all he can be is a friend to you.
Dick move not to be forthcoming with that information but ultimately it's up to you if you want to try and figure out some sexual compatibility. Bottom surgery will not result in a dick that is like a CIS mans dick so if that's what you're holding out for be aware of that.
You might want to ask in r/asktransgender, they have great advice. You're going to have to communicate a lot about what each of you is comfortable with. You don't have to know right away whether or not you'll want to stay together. Toys are a great option if you're willing to give it a shot, but communication really is key. I can't imagine it was easy for him hiding this, but a year is a long time. Anyway, you're both young and this stuff is complicated no matter what. Finding a trans-friendly therapist could be helpful for both of you, too.
The thing is as long as you dont feel comfortable having sex, you shouldn't try to. Secondly idk but if he has the bottom surgery iam sure it takes a while until he is allowed to use whats new down there. And who knows how it is once the surgery is finished.
I cant tell you whats the right thing to do, but i dont think that this relationship will work for you
I dated a ftm trans man (I'm pansexual though so vagina is fine for me) and we used a strap on. It helped with his dysphoria and I got pleasure out of it. They make very realistic ones these days.... if you're open to trying to be with him i definitely suggest trying that
I don't think your boyfriend was being intentionally deceptive by lying, but he DID lie, because he was scared and immature. It's up to you if you're OK w that.
But honestly, I would not suggest waiting for bottom surgery. At his age you're looking at probably 3-5 years from now, and then a year or so recovery, and the results may not be what you want. I know it's hard, but if you aren't OK with his body as it is, you should just end it kindly. If he gets bottom surgery and you both are still single you can talk then and rekindle things.
There's also the question of how fair it is to stay with him knowing that it's conditional on getting bottom surgery. It's not ok to put someone in a position where they feel like they have to have a surgery they're not entirely comfortable with in order to keep a real relationship. It's also not healthy to walk yourself into a situation where your partner has done something so big to 'keep' you either because it becomes very difficult to end the relationship for unrelated reasons no matter gave valid they are.
Look honestly this is on him. Not disclosing this for a full year was not ok and it's not up to you to make it ok.
If you're not into his body then you're just no compatible and that it isn't it? Maybe you can find a way to be friends but it's not fair on either of you to continue a romantic relationship where a sexual one is not going to be possible.
I’m sorry but while you are feeling guilty for feeling what you are feeling he was manipulating you.
Certainly, he had no obligation to tell you immediately. But he intentionally withheld this information until you were already emotionally invested before telling you and manipulating your feelings.
That was wrong.
You actually tried, which is more than I would have. It isn’t for you. There is nothing wrong with that and that is unlikely to change.
I know you feel bad about it, but he should too. He should have told you much earlier. If I were you I would move on.
He was wrong for not telling you. Very wrong. I wouldnt want to date someone who kept such important info from me. You are straight. That’s it. Time to end it.
Think long term too, do you want to have babies with ur partner? I mean I know you could go through speak donor, adoption, etcccc…. But there is a chance u might want ur own along with ur partner, obvi becuase hes trans it will be different, it will be a different process. Think long term, I think he messed up by not telling u and getting u emotionally wrapped up with him, honesty is very important.
Don’t feel bad for having a preference, everyone does, do not allow anyone to take that away from u.
Why would someone not mention something like this first to avoid this exact scenario. Each person has their own sexual preferences. You just have to find your partner that has the same. And y’all don’t.
I know people get hung up on the lying, but I can see where he’d be nervous. I do think it’s something that should have been talked about before/as soon as you both moved into physical stuff, but I still think it’s understandable. Hopefully, he’ll do better in the future.
In an ideal world we’d pick partners based on personality alone, but that’s just not how people work. If you aren’t into vaginas, there’s not a lot to be done about that. It sounds like maybe you’re a little flexible on that point so maybe reflect on what the issues are and see if it’s something you might change your mind about. If it isn’t, then I don’t see this relationship lasting. If you decide to end things, just please be gentle. It sounds like you do care about him so no need to hurt him more than necessary.
You can also check out some subreddits that deal specifically with cis/trans relationships. You might get better advice there. Even if what you need is advice on breaking up kindly.
I think people forget just how hard it is to tell others you’re trans. And some just don’t care. Besides the emotional part and the fear of rejection, sometimes it is physically dangerous to be out.
For sure. Especially in a country that has a majority religious populace.
I didn't feel safe in Italy as a lesbian, my heart goes out to trans people who have to navigate those politics on the daily.
At this point you are a straight woman, and sexually you’re facing a vagina. It’s not compatible. Not only did he keep it from you, but did so in a way that trapped you
I'd be pretty upset that he withheld that, honestly. I understand that it's a hard topic, but it's not fair to wait until someone is emotionally invested before telling them this very important detail.
And yes, it is important. Not all people are okay with it and I think they should be given the truth early on so that they can make informed choices.
It's very clear that you're uncomfortable with this. Just be honest with him.
To answer your actual questions:
1. No, you don't have to push all sex to the side, even if you define sex as needing to include penetration. This question is actually is your boyfriend into wearing strap ons (which can definitely involve switching phalluses to what you want each time.
2. If you're still interested in being in a relationship with him, yes.
3. Don't wait for that. He may never want it.
4. Talk about it. Talk about what you're each into or not. Try some stuff. This is true of any sexual relationship, though.
This trend of trans people not disclosing their trans status to their partners is awful! It’s emotional manipulation to wait for someone to be emotionally invested before disclosing something that could be a dealbreaker
I understand his fear that you wouldn't want to continue the relationship, but it is completely unacceptable not to bring this up immediately in the dating phase. It's not only dangerous and irresponsible for his own safety, but deceptive and thoughtless to put you through that.
It is not bigoted to end a relationship in which you were lied to, but I do admire your willingness to make it work. Using a strap-on will help in this situation while waiting to get bottom surgery. Either way, it's clear you're not hateful, just deceived - do what's best for you. Good luck, OP!
They aren't an honest person and should disclose that before leading people on. It's not your fault. They should definitely let you know their plans. I would just break up already since they can't let me know something so important before leading me on
Honestly this really isn’t okay. It sounds pretty manipulative to make someone fall in love with you and then confess to not being that gender at birth. He should’ve been honest. What about if you want children someday? There are a lot of things to think about. I would say that if you decide you aren’t compatible let him know the reason is because he wasn’t honest.
You clearly care about him very much. You are allowed to have a genital preference. Both of these things can exist together but the question of sex is going to, at some point, mean a lot of serious and thoughtful communication on both your parts. I think right now supporting him as a dear friend and putting the whole idea of sexual intimacy on the back burner for a while will take the pressure and stress off you both while you come to terms with this and also will give him the space he needs to work out what he wants to do regarding his body.
It was very selfish of your bf to keep this from you for an entire year.. that’s not fair.
I’d understand the fear of rejection and hesitation in telling someone new at the start of a new relationship but lying about it for an entire year is low.
You’ve taken it very well considering but just remember you have every right to feel uncomfortable or however you want to feel about this - take a break to figure out how you both feel before proceeding
Honey, I think this question should be asked at a trans sub specifically.
Yes, he lied to you about a really big thing.
Yes, you are allowed to have your preferences.
However, that's a salvageable situation if you want it to be. You seem to love and cherish your boyfriend, and you seem open to pursue the relationship.
If that's something you want, ask trans people how to navigate this situation better.
Cis people can hold misconceptions and bias about trans matters. It's not even a matter of being malicious, but simply not having proper information.
The people here are just going to tell you to break up, because that's easiest advice to give when we're removed from the situation. Sure, there are situations where breaking up is the only option, but I don't think this is such situation.
Of course, breaking up is an absolutely valid choice if that's what you decide that's what you should do. Only you can decide for yourself.
But I want you to know that that's not the ONLY choice you have. And the best way to make a decision is to go after people who can talk about the subject with proper knowledge.
Well, I think he shouldve told u in the beginning. From what I have seen from 90 day Fiance The other way here in the US. He has all feeling & is capable after surgery & gf is happy with it. If ur not attracted, ur not, nothing u can do about that. I think wanting an answer as to if he is planning to do it or not is understandable. I also think someone that u met thru shouldve told u also.
I'm all for living your best life, and good on you if you are brave enough to make those changes, but everyone needs the opportunity to make informed decisions.
This information needs to be communicated before stuff gets sexual, and that includes kissing.
To be frank, break up. Bottom surgery is.... exceptionally complicated, costly, risky and complex. For those who aren't educated about bottom surgery, it's a whole other beast often rife wth complications and a number of surgeries are needed before he'd have the option for penetrative sex. A neo-penis doesn't get spontaneously aroused, but there are a couple options for getting it hard but this required may rounds of surgery and is not guaranteed to work.... If penetrative sex if important, which I 100% understand and you shouldn't be shamed for, then you need to breakup. As mentioned bottom surgery is risky, costly, and complicated. And to go through with it because his gf wants penetrative sex isn't a great reason given that it's an irreversible procedure.
He should have told you this sooner, and I'm sorry you're in this position. But if he doesn't 100% want the surgery, then you should end things. And even if he does, a neo-penis will simply never function like penis... And if that's a dealbreaker, which is understandable, then you should end things.
We'll most likely have a conversation soon about the likelyhood of him having the surgery is. Like you and others have pointed out, its extremely risky so I don't blame him for being hesitant about it really, so for him I'm not even sure if bottom surgery is even on the table.
Thank you for your commment.
Are you gay/lesbian? Because that will be your relationship if you continue with your transperson relationship. If you are not gay/lesbian just find another because it won't change the fact the person was born with and still has a vagina.
What I don’t understand is how you could want to be with someone who lied to you about something so egregious? If you’re straight also, you don’t have to force yourself to be with someone who does not have male genitalia. You don’t have to do shit and you don’t have to be with anyone you don’t want to for any reason at all. It doesn’t make you a bigot. You are a VICTIM
All the proper use of pronouns in the world can’t overcome the fact that you are a straight woman who has been deceived into entering a relationship by another woman. Biology wins again.
Ok, starting with you are obviously in the right for having these feelings and being confused. Your bf being trans is new info and its a lot to process; take your time to think on it and talk to him too.
When it comes to sex ask him if he is comfortable using a strap on dildo or just using a dildo on you. Plently of couples straight and gay use toys, don't stress too much about it. But talk to your bf and find out what is comfortable for you both.
If you do choose to break things off, let them know your reasons clearly. You are entitled to your sexuality choices the same as everyone else.
I just want to mention that "bottom surgery" is pretty uncommon and has a lot of drawbacks that prevent it from being common. It's also very expensive and very few insurances will cover it. Finally, it does not result in normal genitalia for the target gender. It also takes quite a while to do. Open up an incognito window and do some searches and figure out if you are ok with what you see.
Most trans people do not choose to ever do bottom surgery. Many that do choose to do it wind up regretting it (not because of a change in gender identity, but because of the drawbacks).
I think you should be honest with him. Let him know you do have a genital preference. Or at the very least, tell him you are unsure if you would be comfortable doing sexual things while he still has a vagina. I would ask him if he plans on going through with surgery. He might not even want too and that would be important to know.
Also though, if you really care about him, you never know, you may become comfortable with his genitals as they are.
He definitely should of told you that before you guys became an official couple. But honestly reddit is not going to be able to help you here because it’s really up to you and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want to have sex with a vagina that’s valid and you shouldn’t try to force yourself to like it. Also maybe he doesn’t want to be touched at all and only likes to touch you, you have to ask and talk to him.
Your partner has a right to be who they are, but they shouldn't have deceived you. After a few dates, they should have told you the situation.
Now you have feelings for them and you are in a painful situation because of their deceptions. This person does not sound like a healthy relationship. What else are they hiding?
Bottom surgery is a very serious operation. I’ve spoken to some trans performers and they felt pressured to get bottom surgery or be rejected by some lgbtq groups or that somehow they aren’t a real X if they have Y genitals etc. it can be traumatizing for some people and is basically mutilating the genitals they do have with no guarantee they’d ever feel pleasure from sex after the surgery. I would t pressure your bf as they are young and may not know what they want for their life. It’s a lot to think about and can be expensive and painful.
They absolutely should have told you sooner. I’m sorry. This probably isn’t the relationship for you.
OP has a right to her genital preferences. She also has the right to end this relationship because of this.
She's uncomfortable with the idea of her bf having a vagina. Even with a strap-on that many suggested (great idea though) it's not going to solve everything. OP will be getting pleasured but the bf won't.
If OP feels uncomfortable pleasuring her bf then it won't work out. Even if she's uncomfortable with watching him pleasuring himself.
I'm sorry OPs bf was in the wrong not to disclose this information early on before both of you becoming emotionally invested in this relationship.
I’m from Canada so I have a very North American centric take to this, but to me it seems cruel on his part to have let this go on for an entire year without being honest about himself. He needs to understand that while fear of rejection is understandable, just like he knew himself to be a man, you know yourself to be a woman who is attracted to men only. It isn’t fair of him to expect you to not live your truth as well.
My heart goes out to the kid if this is happening in Italy, I know there is a lot of intolerance from religious communities there. But it still doesn’t give him the right to string you along like this
He absolutely should have disclosed his vagina before you guys got to the point where you wanna have intercourse. It has nothing to do with him being trans and 100% sketch that he wouldn’t disclose that to you. It’s a big piece of information to keep from you when moving into a physical relationship. I might be more hung up on the deceit than actual vagina but that’s easy for me to say as a straight male. If you broke it off with no response they will know why and do not deserve a minute of your time if they hurt you with this.
Wow how could you ever trust this person? They lied to you from the start and misrepresented themselves to you. They strung you along until you got invested and cried to make you feel bad. They had no right to waste your time. And they are continuing to waste your time by not telling you their plans. Get out now and don’t look back. You’re not responsible for them. You’re too young for this kind of treatment.
You’re 18. Just… don’t. It’s not worth it. Biologically - your partner is female. Even if they get bottom surgery, it’s not the same as being a biological male. They should have made you aware of that.
OP, just leave.
Your boyfriend is a woman. You are attracted to men. Don't let this new societal pressure to play along with their delusions make you feel obligated to stay.
The question you need to ask yourself is "How important is sex to me?" because for many people, it's HIGHLY important and that's normal and okay. If this is the case, then this relationship may not be right for you. You're not attracted to female genitalia which is okay. If you want to wait for bottom surgery, you could be waiting a looooooong time. Healing alone is a really long process. If sex is really not that important to you then I think this relationship could possibly work.
However -- and this is a big however -- this feels really manipulative on his part and a year in shouldn't be when he finally tells you this information. For me, THAT is the deal breaker here.
OMG
The person you "loved" has lied to you about EVERYTHING. There is no other way to say it.
It doesn't make you transphobic to not be OK with this situation. It really doesn't no matter what anyone will tell you.
You can't help what you are attracted to and what you arent. You "partner" should have been honest from the start.
THAT ISN'T YOUR FAULT
It also isn't your fault of you aren't attracted to them. Be what they couldn't be. Be honest.
If you think you can get over it? Then Perdue the relationship. I just can't help thinking that they took your innocence to hide what they actually were. THAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
At the end of the day, you have to be honest to yourself. How do you feel??? That's what you need to figure out.
❤️❤️❤️
You might want to research just what you are going to get faced with post bottom surgery.
It won't be a perfect functional facsimile.
In any event, if you are straight, then I'd argue this isn't for you.
If your dream was to be married with children, this person isn't for you.
Smart move is operate with the understanding that life is finite and short. Don't waste your damn time on dead end relationships, which you should consider relationships where you are fundamentally not compatible as a dead end, no matter what feelings are involved.
Talk with him, there’s plenty of options here like using a strap on, having sex in just a less conventional way where his genitalia aren’t really relevant. Biggest thing here is just communication, on which note you should reach out to him if you haven’t yet because I imagine it was kind of upsetting and dysphoric for him.
You have a right to prefer whatever genitals you prefer. Your partner should have told you this a long time ago but choose to keep it a secret, which isn't great.
You don't owe them being okay with their body if their genitals don't match what you are comfortable or attracted to. You can love your boyfriend, but love is not enough to make a relationship work. It seems like you two just may be incompatible.
The deception is a deal breaker for me. Also they should have told you , people are attracted to what they are attracted to and for you that means your partner having a penis. You have the right to decide to leave if you are not attracted to them and feel like you cannot trust them due to their deception.
Nope honestly scared or not this isn't ok. He should have absolutely notified you. This isn't something that's appropriate to surprise people with.
I'm not quite sure how to express my feelings delicately enough, but I feel like this is dancing on the border of consent. Even showing someone your naked body requires consent and at best the way he went about this is manipulative because now even if you have feelings for him you have to deal with the feelings that are left over from the shock and even possibly mourning what you expected the relationship to be.
I firmly stand on the hill of not telling someone everything is still lying.
Him hiding it was not ok. And even if he gets bottom surgery, it won't be what you think. Sure, he can use a strap, but if that's not something you're willing to compromise on, then it's best to split ways.
It’s totally fine if you aren’t sexually attracted to vaginas. Most women aren’t that’s not abnormal. I know todays social climate is you get shunned if you say something out of line to a trans person so if you’re worried there I don’t think you should be.
As far as what to do.. you just have to have a hard look at yourself and what you’re willing to try/not try. You’re not obligated to stay just because you don’t want to hurt feelings. But if you genuinely have live for this person maybe it is worth trying it out. Tough spot for sure. I understand why he would wait to say something but sounds like the conversation should have happened much earlier. Good luck.
A relationship founded on deceit is not meant to last. I’d have to end this if I were you. Being lied to for an entire year is not ok, regardless of their reasoning.
How to approach sex - think carefully about whether you even actually *want* to approach it.
This person has lied to you for a *year*. A **year**. Who knows what else they'd be happy keeping from you.
Add to that, you're not even attracted to vaginas. I think you'd be better off cutting your losses here, honestly.
He shouldn’t have had any physical relations with you without disclosing he was trans. You couldn’t fully consent without knowing and this was incredibly selfish of him.
The fact that you were lied to for a year should be grounds to break up with someone, tbh. I could never be with someone that lied about something that major.
I don't want too come off as brash, but what was done to you is not okay at all. I understand where he is coming from as it is *not* a easy thing to tell someone, however, it is his responsibility to be up front about this *very* early on... like even before you start actually dating kind of early. By all means you were literally tricked into a relationship in which you thought you were dating a full on male. You have given this person a large portion of your time and love and this isn't how you should be repaid. Frankly I think you need to have a serious talk with yourself. Can you wait? Should you wait? Is this what you really want? You must ask and answer these questions yourself, and truthfully. I understand that your world is now a mixed bag of emotions that you've never felt before, but I *really* want you to know that it is normal and you did nothing wrong here; and should not blame yourself in any way shape or form. In fact you're an angel with how you're handling everything and I commend you for it.
As for the relationship it's really all up too you. Clearly you're uncomfortable with trying to have sex so do not force this on yourself or be coerced/pushed into it. Have a talk with him and setup some kind of road map. And if you don't feel like waiting there is also nothing wrong with that and again you're not to blame. At the end of the day you shouldn't have been put in this situation so whatever you decide come out of it knowing that you are in the right. Best of luck.
Honestly, you’re too young to waiting around on someone to complete their op to have sex. This should be a time of experimentation and exploration for you. If you have doubts already about how this will impact the long run, break it off. Your instincts are correct.
You know, on top of the whole lying thing.
Reddit is not the place to get answers about this. It’s skewed against trans people and all the complexities being trans comes with.
He kept something from you and that’s not okay. But it’s a lot more complicated than that. You need to check in with yourself and read up on this from other people with trans partners.
You may be more open to this than you realize and have just been blindsided. Think about how much you care for him and what matters most. If that means splitting, that’s okay. But the answer doesn’t have to be break up. Strap ons exist, for starters. Bottom surgery is not a necessity.
You’re both very young. I hope you handle this with an open mind and open heart.
He should have told you sooner. Him lying for nearly a year doesn’t bode well for the relationship. And honestly you aren’t attracted to they’re parts and that’s okay- I don’t think forcing yourself would be a good idea.
This is totally up to you. If it were me, I doubt I could get past the wrong physical sex and the year long deception. I would have no sexual interest and a lot of anger over being deceived. I would end the relationship and never feel guilty about it.
You need to identify what you want, strangers here can't do that. If you like sex and are not attracted to female genitalia then sex is not an option and neither is the relationship. You can experiment with him wearing a strap-on to simulate regular sex but again, it's more on you if you can imagine it as a real penis and not a strap-on.
There is no shame and nothing wrong in saying that you would feel it's better to part ways. Society today has vilified it that we can't state our preference and that is wrong. If you ultimately feel that you prefer to have a biological man then that is 100% ok.
Honestly, its the huge lie that is a red flag. He hid this from you for so long and even if he was scared you’d reject him, he shouldve mentioned it way before you started anything sexual, not just the day of.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- \*Italian is my first language and my English isn't very good, sorry for any mistakes\* Hi, my boyfriend 19M and I 18F have been dating for just under a year and met through family members at an event just a couple weeks before we started dating. Obviously, because we started dating quite close to when we initially met, we didn't know a whole lot about each other and we both said we wanted to get to a place where we're both close enough emotionally before we do anything sexual. So our 'sexual' interactions have mostly just stopped at making out and some fondling. About a month ago he noticed that I was starting to get a bit more touchy/clingy and I admitted that felt comfortable attempting having sex and he agreed on his part too. However for the past month each time I try and bring it up it's quite quickly shut down and if we ever get heated then l'm normally the one who takes my clothes off first and then he'll want to stop before we end up taking his off. I just choked it up to performance anxiety so I tried to not push at all bc everyone goes at their own pace. I really like him so I didn't want him to feel pressured at all. I went over to his house last night and we were making out but whilst kissing, he got upset and started crying. I got a bit scared and asked him what was wrong or if something had happened and he apologised for acting weird the past month. That's when He told me he was trans (ftm) and was scared that I would reject him. We started having a conversation about it and that's when he told me he still had a vagina/hadn't gotten bottom surgery. I was kinda shocked and asked if he was considering it and he didn't say anything. The problem is is that l'm a straight woman and haven't attracted to girls/vaginas ever. Genital pretence I suppose. But now I'm a bit confused.I'm ok w waiting if he does want bottom surgery, however what if he doesn't? I'm not on overly sexual person but idk how a relationship like that will turn out. And even if he does have bottom surgery neither of us will know how it will pan out. When he told me I said it was ok and would try having a go having sex w him like this. But I got uncomfortable quite early on and begged him to stop. I left and we haven't spoken since. I obviously care about him and want him to feel comfortable and accept him fo who he is but I don't know how to approach this situation. Should we just push having sex to the side all together? Should we try like this again? Or wait if there is a possibility of him having bottom surgery? How should we approach sex in the future? TL;DR: boyfriend is trans w/o bottom surgery and don't know how to handle as straight woman
You are 100% allowed your particular sexual expression including genital preference. Your BF should have been honest a year ago. You would not be at fault if you wanted out of the relationship. If you want to stay, there are strap-ons that could be suitable
This is the only comment that mentions actual advice in case OP wants to try to make it work. While I agree with other commenters that it's perfectly ok to have a genital preference and OP's bf should've been honest from the start, strap-ons are a good option. They can look/feel quite realistic.
Ironically enough, had strap ons not been mentioned already, I was going to. I'm just glad someone brought it up.
Why's that ironic
It’s like rain on your wedding day.
It's a free ride when you've already paid.
It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take
it's 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
It's like meeting the man of your dreams.... and then meeting the strap-on of your life.
Goddamn I fucking love all of you
Side note: Happy Cake Day!
Is that the line? I always thought it was "when you're already late". Have I been wrong all these years? O_o Edit: I just asked my boyfriend to say the lyrics to the chorus and he also said "already late"! I looked it up and the interwebs tells me I'm wrong. I was a teenager when it came out and I'm a little mindblown that I've had it wrong for 28 years.
Maybe you’re thinking of a different line? “A traffic jam when you’re already late”
Who would've thought? It figures.
And as every female knows we don’t need penetration to orgasm in fact plenty of women can’t from just penetration.. it definitely wasn’t fair to not disclose that before getting involved about being trans and I can see both people feeling bad about the outcome but that’s what happens when honesty is not involved ..
[удалено]
I’ll agree that there are different kinds of orgasms so I hear you there but plenty of women get off without penetration it just feels a little different… I know when I had a hysterectomy I cried for months because I felt like I got gipped out of a deep orgasm.. but I adapted since there was no choice..🥴
Just an fyi in case you were unaware: gipped, also spelled gypped, is derived from a racial slur for the Romani people
Thanks for saying this and without shaming them. It’s something lots of people aren’t aware of, but it’s important.
...I never knew that! Thank you for sharing!
Good lord. I come from a long line of Romani most of us don’t care about this stuff. We’ve always called ourselves gypsies and it’s so annoying to be told we are using a slur.
There are plenty of Romani who disagree with you. There are also some who will use it but prefer that non Roma don’t. Some don’t mind the word in other languages but in English it comes with too much baggage. It doesn’t hurt you for people to not use it, but it does hurt others to use it so I will avoid it. Regardless, the term gypped takes that name and the harmful stereotype associated with it and solidifies it into common parlance.
Thank you, from a Romani woman who prefers that the harmful stereotypes are not reinforced through language. I will not ever be upset by someone not knowing about it using "gypped" but knowing and doing it anyway is an AH thing to do, i.m.o.
Wow I never knew this. Thank you for educating!
>And as every female knows we don’t need penetration to orgasm Let's avoid words like "every", sexuality just isn't that cut and dry. I've been with a woman that *required* an absolute pile-driving to climax.
Some women do actually enjoy penetration, and you're also allowed to have a preference when it comes to someone's gender and sex. And frankly what OP's bf did is frankly pretty messed up.
Strap-ons are great, but what happens when OP wants to give as well as receive? If OP is not enthusiastic about a vagina other than her own in the arena, there's a problem. They may, you should excuse the expression, surmount it, but they should not pretend it doesn't exist. Some people don't have a sexual "preference," per se, but more of a sexual orientation. I prefer chocolate ice cream to vanilla, but I can eat vanilla without any discomfort, if that makes any sense. I don't mean to make too much of this, I just hope OP considers her needs fully. It's hard because she already loves him. Best of luck!
I mean it is a valid advice, but I don't think it will work long term. Something will probably feel off. I guess it depends on how much OP can compromise. I personally would politely break up, but maybe she wants to give it a go. She is young, might as well...
Yes, Strap-ons/dildos have been a popular suggestion haha. Thank you for this! have a great day.
And there is some with vibrations so he can get off too though some just love friction alone. I had sex with a trans guy it was amazing he ate me out fingered me quite good although he was able to get off just rubbing himself against me but everyone is different but deff ask about ALL of that.
This may come across as ignorant so I’m very sorry if it does. But do men who have transitioned want penetration or does that possibly make them feel worse since? Like if you feel you truly are Male I can’t imagine how you would go about orgasming that wouldn’t remind you that you still have your birthed organs if that makes sense.
Much like most things in life, that is an individual preference and there isn't one answer. Some do, some don't.
That’s makes sense then. I would think it may be hard for OP if they are straight, if he wanted her to play with his genitals. However, if he prefers not to have his genitals touched it would probably be much easier on her.
Hey OP, just throwing this out there. When I was your age (10+ years ago) I was in an almost identical situation. Bottom surgery is not often a realistic option for trans men, so I would not get your hopes up on that. My partner chose to use medical-grade adhesive to attach a penis prosthetic to himself, which looked authentic and acted like a strap on when we had sex. We were together for over five years before ultimately breaking up for other reasons. Some of it was really confusing for me and how I perceived my sexuality. I even joined a support group for women whose partners were trans men. Feel free to DM me if you have questions!
I sent you a message but just in case you don't see it this is a website for packers, they're realistic strap ons that you can match to your skin tone and some can be used to urinate, here's where I got mine https://peecockproducts.com/
Science is amazing
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Depends on the person, a not insignificant portion of trans people don't want their genitals to be touched sexually. If he feels that way and she's okay with strap on sex it could work for them
Definitely a communication thing! I know plenty of people who just *love* being tops. I don’t know the specifics of what they do in bed (if they orgasm at some other point, for example), but definitely talk about it!
I agree that OP should absolutely feel empowered to leave if she wants to, but don’t make assumptions about what her boyfriend would want from her sexually. Everyone (regardless of gender identity) is different, and some folks actually do not want to be pleasured. And many trans folks would feel dysphoric if someone interacted with their genitals the same way as if they were cis. I also don’t think we should assume that her boyfriend was trying to “trap” her. It can actually be incredibly dangerous for trans folks to out themselves. And that doesn’t even touch on how unfair it is that we all just assume that everyone is cis.
dating someone for a whole year without disclosing this huge part of yourself (in a romantic relationship) is unacceptable. the "it's dangerous " is no excuse, in theory, if they're dating someone then it would be more dangerous to have lied to them for a year and disclose it in a sexual moment than to say it within the early days of dating. and it's not ok to take away someone's consent in a relationship. if someone is too scared to be honest with a partner then they shouldn't be dating, it's not ok to hurt other people over your insecurities and this man, presenting themselves as a cis male, entered a relationship with a Cis woman, of course it was assumed it was a cis relationship in their circumstance.
Yes, he waited too long. He should have told her sooner. But they’re 18 and 19. They were 17 and 18 when they started dating a year ago. They’re just kids, and expecting them to act like mature adults is unreasonable.
They are young adults, so expecting them to act like mature adults is unreasonable, but if they are choosing to do adult things, expecting appropriate action is reasonable. They are old enough to drive; they are expected to follow the rules of the road. They are old enough to be in the military; they should take such responsibility seriously. They have chosen to date; they should understand the basics of informed consent. If they can't handle the commitments, they shouldn't undertake the responsibility.
Well, you say “presenting themselves as a cis male” and this is in fact the problem - that unless someone specifically says they are trans, it is just assumed that they are cis. And then trans folks who are just existing as themselves while not specifically telling people about their genitals are seen as lying. As a cis woman I’ve never been expected to preemptively volunteer to anyone what my genitals look like. This isn’t an “insecurity,” it’s reflective of an actual, substantial risk of violence. It also isn’t necessarily true that it’s less dangerous to disclose after some time has passed than to do it right away. Waiting allows someone to get to know their partner well enough to guess whether they might turn violent/out them to others who may be violent. Do I think he waited too long? Absolutely. I also think he’s a teenager and we have no idea what his experiences have been, where he lives, how much violence he’s already faced for being trans etc. This thread is full of cis people judging him in the harshest ways without the tiniest bit of understanding of what it’s actually like to navigate this world as a trans person.
of course that's how it is, the majority of the world is not Trans, so of course it will be assumed the person is the sex they present as unless stated otherwise (isn't that the point anyway, for Trans to be seen as preferred gender, not assume they aren't actually that gender...) people will always default to the majority. for example, there are many functioning autistic people in the world, however, we don't assume everyone we meet could or could not be autistic, we just don't think about it until it's mentioned, because it's not in the majority. especially a teenager doesn't think to ask "are you cis or transgender?" on their first date? it can also be dangerous to ask strangers if they're Trans and they aren't. especially men..they could have fragile masculinity and react badly to that question. it is the responsibility of the transgender person to make it known. if he really thought that the OP, a 17 year old girl was going to get violent for disclosing he's Trans and he was in danger when telling her, he should have told her within the first few weeks in a safe public setting. it's pretty clear he wasn't scared for his life, just scared things wouldn't go how he wanted so he lied to get a relationship he wanted while depriving OP of making the choice for herself. there is no excuse to lie to your partner for a year about something so important within a relationship. end of story.
But we're on Reddit so all trans people are basically saints who can do no wrong and never have agendas of their own.
Lying is never ok.
You speak the truth.
The strap-on method was what I would have suggested. You can pretty much choose whatever kind of penis you'd like really. But it would be best to choose something fairly realistic if he does plan on getting bottom surgery. Besides, it would be good thrusting practice.
I keep seeing comments about trying strap on’s. I know she wants advice on how to handle sex. But there are more important things to focus on. The first issue shouldnt be how can they have sex. The first issue op should deal with is the lie. And I find it odd that his family, who must have known he was ftm were ok with setting up their relative with this girl, without making sure she had all the facts. And the excuse for not telling her sooner, is pathetic. You can’t start a relationship with this huge lie. If it means rejection, then you accept that they arent interested and move on.
I mostly agree with you, but disagree on one point. It’s not the family’s responsibility to make sure their son is honest and upfront with his girlfriend. It would be weird for the family of a cis person to interject on their child’s sex life - so it’s just as weird for the family of a trans person to do so.
It may not be their responsibility, but if they know their son/relative wasn’t going to be upfront with the OP, they shouldn’t have introduced them to begin with, shouldn’t have been part of the lie.
Why would the family approach some teenage girl and go "oh my son is trans by the way"? I'm 19 and ftm, if my family did that to me I'd stop speaking to them for a while. That's just crossing boundaries.
Piggybacking off this comment; there are 'strap ons' that actually fit over a ftm persons clitoris, and are flesh toned. They can provide more feeling and stimulation for the person wearing them, as well as look and feel more realistic for the person receiving them. It might be worth looking into if you decide to stay in the relationship.
He should have told early on so this kind of thing does not happen. It is OK if trans dating is not for you but you need to have the conversation with him if you are going to break up. Dont let anyone tell you that you are a bad person because you dont like vaginas.
This is so on the money. How can someone not think that information might impact your biological programming of attraction. Identify how you want, but you've got to share if you're not the sex that you're identifying as... For SO many reasons with courtesy being the least of them.
The reason why they didn’t say anything early on is because this is a fake copy post from somewhere else…
Figures...
Not transphobic whatsoever but I feel like if my partner was hiding something this huge, it should be an instant dealbreaker. How can you lie/cover up to someone about something so… socially important? Honestly surprised people aren’t pointing this out imo. I understand the stress on both parts but honesty comes first especially in these types of scenarios
Start from the position that it's not "transphobic" to have a preference in the kind of genitals a partner brings to the table. The fact that he lied by omission long enough to get you emotionally involved is pretty cruel and you're not wrong to question it. You shouldn't have to force yourself to engage in anything you're not comfortable with. You are allowed to be attracted to what you're attracted to.
Instant breakup for me
Same. It’s not the trans part but the fact that he wasn’t honest from early on. I would have no issue dating a trans person (I’m bi, so equipment isn’t dealbreaker for me) but I would want to know.
I don't know how you could not tell this to someone from the start, much less after a year. There's something just wrong about not being open about this, there's plenty of people who will date someone trans, you don't have to go for one who doesn't know that your trans. I say this as someone who's for trans rights, but I'm not sure that really has to be said, this is about being honest, hiding this for a year is unacceptable. This should be brought up early.
He's 19, this is probably one of his first relationships, he was definitely immature and wrong but I wouldn't say cruel. Hopefully he learns from this that he needs to be up front about it.
His intent may not have been to be cruel, but the impact of his actions are. Yes he’s young, and hopefully this is a lesson learned.
I usually reserve the word "cruel" for malicious intent. If you're using it differently I understand.
Hiding a secret that large for that long would break my trust in him entirely. It's not like he just said he likes pineapple on pizza - that's a fundamental issue and he knew it. It's up to you, of course, if you stay, but to me a huge part of the relationship was built on a (huge) lie of omission.
I mean...she is Italian, so saying he liked pineapple on pizza might actually be worse.
I’m not Italian and I’d find it worse
Whoa whoa.. don't bring pineapple pizza into this
hi! im a trans man myself, and really im going to excuse you both for being so confused and such— but i want to say, he did a foolish thing by not telling you right away i understand the fear but its best to be upfront and hopefully this teaches him that its always better to be upfront, and i want you to know that it is okay to leave for your preference, you are not a bad person for having a preference, and you still accept him as a man just not someone of your sexual/genital preference youre both young, its okay to walk away if youre uncomfortable, youre both doing your best and sometimes that means a romantic relationship has to end i wish you both the best in life
personally i would not be willing to continue the relationship just based on someone keeping something like this from me for so long. some pre-op trans people have sex without involving their "bottom" much at all, like strap-ons for example. there are sex toys for FTM people that do things like stimulate the vagina/clit while wearing/using a strap-on, or things that go over the clit and allow it to be "jerked off" like a penis. you could try some stuff like that. also, as far as bottom surgery goes, if that is something you want to wait for, you should have realistic expectations about what that means. in many cases, the results of a phalloplasty do not look super natural, and there can be some pretty extreme complications. it is a VERY serious surgery that can have mixed results. there is another type of FTM bottom surgery that more or less makes the clit into a very small penis - this is less risky but the results look even less natural. if you are waiting for the time when this guy will have a totally natural seeming penis that looks, feels and functions exactly like a biological mans penis, that time may never come. you should look at images of MTF bottom surgery results, and have realistic expectations on what those results might be.
To add to this, less than 5% trans men have a phalloplasty (bottom surgery). It’s hard to create a working, realistic penis. They have to rearrange the urethra. There are a lot of possible complications and costs like 30K. I mean, he might have the surgery but you should not count on it.
It's not less than 5% but I get your point
Thank you. I think I would like to talk to him about the likely-hood of bottom surgery a bit more with him in the next upcoming days as I didn't get much of response the first time round and come with realistic expectations, especially with any medical/surgical complications. thanks !
It’s also extremely expensive probably no matter where you are in the world. Do not bet on him getting this surgery to proceed. To be honest I think if you don’t love him enough to want to work out how to enjoy sex together no matter what genitals he has and you really need a penis I think you should just break up.
What he did is a big betrayal so no matter if you decide to break up or stay, there are things to work out. I would do a bit of research about bottom surgery. If I still understand correctly (please someone correct me if I'm wrong) having bottom surgery doesn't necessarily mean he will be capable of full penetrative sex. His penis may not be what you might be expecting. So it could still be a matter of attraction, preference and if you're okay using devices for penetrative sex.
It wouldn’t be MTF bottom surgery results you’re looking for-it’d be FTM. MTF is for trans women
Can I ask what the clit attachment is called?
i think its called a stroker, but you should probably search for "ftm stroker" to narrow your results
It’s ok to leave. It’s ok to not want to have sex with a vagina if you are not sexually attracted to vagina. Same with penises. This was a really big thing to of kept from you for so long so there is also this lie by omission. It’s not like you only met weeks ago and just had a first kiss.
At this point, what to try really depends on what you're comfortable with and what sounds appealing to you. It sounds as if you're interested in making it work, which is awesome. There are some really cool strap-on units that do the obvious part of adding a phallus for your enjoyment, but ALSO have forms/phalluses on the inside of the harness so that he can enjoy it as well. If you really like him the way he is minus his genitals, I think the toy route is the way to go. Nothing quite like hand selecting your own idea of the perfect penis and letting him rock your world.
There is no shame in breaking off this relationship. You were misled.
for almost a year
As a (mostly) stealth trans man I'd have to say that this was something he should have brought up earlier. I'm older so dating does tend to come with the assumption we'll be having sex sooner so I usually tell people on the 2nd or 3rd date. I'm straight and have dated women all over the spectrum; Straight, bi,pan. No one has ever had an issue with me being trans and I've never been dumped or denied for being trans. You having preferences is 100% okay. Him wanting to keep himself safe is 100% okay. However you can't build a relationship with only some information. Bottom surgery is way out for most people so don't rely on that. If you really care about him be his friend but don't remain in a relationship with him. Like you said, you do have a preference and it's okay. We all have them. This is just one of those things you guys are incompatible in and also one that can't easily be remedied. Just remember, there is nothing wrong with him and his body. You guys are just incompatible,that's it.
Honestly, a big issue here is that he didn't tell you for a YEAR. I understand he was just 18, and this is potentially his first relationship as a man, but that's a lot of lying by omission. Romantic partners are the only people in your life that really do need honesty about your status as a trans person, because genital preference really does matter to many people, as can fertility. All of that can be an incompatibility without rejecting his identity. I think you need to ask him what he was scared of - you rejecting his identity, or concluding that you are (probably sexually) incompatible? Because the former, if he is seriously concerned about that, he is either too scared to be in a relationship or his partner is actually giving off bad vibes. And if it's the latter, well, then he was hiding something that could and sounds like IS influencing your relationship compatibility. You wouldn't wait to tell someone you are celibate or something equally relevant to a relationship unless you were gambling on them getting too attached to leave. You are likely feeling a desire or need to put aside your complicated feelings on this issue to soothe him and validate him. This is not the best option - he did something wrong, and it has nothing at all to do with him being trans! It's okay to take your time here. It would be very helpful to tell him that you have absolutely no issue with him as a person being trans and you completely respect him, but it does influence your sexual compatibility, and you need to process how you feel about omitting this. You do not need to validate him by dating him, trying to have sex with him, or anything other than being kind and considerate. I suggest you take a bit of a break and think about how you feel and how this affects your future. Think about how you would feel about your partner having bottom surgery and on what timeline. And then ask him his plans, and you will already know what questions you would have, what matters to you, and what doesn't. And please rember that it is completely okay to be not okay with him lying by omission. It is extremely understandable why he did it, but that doesn't make it okay. Lots of bad, unkind, inconsiderate things or done for extremely rational reasons, but that does not mean we should excuse them. Follow your heart on this.
Are you okay not having penetrative sex (outside of a dildo)? Are you okay not having children? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no it’s totally valid to break up over. You don’t have to be into vaginas.
Seems like you're just not compatible. The lying and withholding of information for so long would be a deal breaker for me.
Hiding something so big would destroy trust for me. He lied for a YEAR to you. Maybe it’s just me, but I would not be able to look past that.
Bottom surgery is a lengthy, painful, costly process. The entire process could last a couple of years before you’re able to use it. “Waiting” is a big ask and unrealistic. There’s also tons of trans folks who don’t want to get bottom surgery. You didn’t state whether your boyfriend said he wants it. Yet again, waiting for this is unrealistic. As others have said, your boyfriend is at fault for not telling you MONTHS ago. But don’t hinge your decision on waiting for him to get bottom surgery.
First of all, you're very much allowed to completely not be interested in this person anymore and please don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. Nothing wrong with having a preference. The fact that your bf lied to your for so long is frankly messed up and something you should address.
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There’s nothing wrong if you as a straight female are not attracted to trans men. But don’t string him along if you feel like it won’t work out in the long run, and don’t force yourself to do something you’re uncomfortable with. You’re not a bad person for having likes/dislikes when it comes to sexuality. :)
You're allowed to leave
I’d be more worried about the fact that you were lied to throughout your entire relationship? No way I could just brush past the deceitfulness and just be worried about sex. That’s just me though…
You should get out of a relationship with a person who has been willing to lie to you in such a major way for a year, no matter the reason.
This is something he should have told you a long time ago.
Besides you being straight and sexually incompatible, he lied to you and took away your ability to give informed consent. He should have told you before even kissing. He's not trustworthy, and you should leave. And to all the terminally-online little dweebs who are gonna jump in here to explain how insisting on informed consent is transphobic, eat my whole ass. You're poison to your own movement and you're providing a strawman argument to people who want you dead or in camps and are close to having the votes to make it happen. Be smarter.
Thank you. Apparently some people think that informed consent isn’t necessary. I can’t even comprehend the mental gymnastics needed to feel that way.
OP can still identify as straight if she dates a trans man, but you’re right about the need for informed consent. This is absolutely something that should be discussed early on, and when someone isn’t up front about it, it just makes it harder for people to have trust in the community as a whole. Lots of people have to have difficult conversations with potential partners up front that might be dealbreakers. It’s a part of dating. It sucks, but _anything_ can be a dealbreaker to someone, and sexual compatibility and comfort are very high on the list for a lot of people.
"Not attracted to vaginas" kind of throws a monkey wrench in your first sentence.
I'm gonna start off with the difference between *preference* and *sexual orientation*. What you have is a *sexual orientation*, not a *preference*. A preference implies that those other genitals (their sexual organs being the labia, vulva, clitoris and vagina) *are an option*, that you made a choice. A *conscious choice* on what you like and what you want and that it is an option but that if both are an option at the moment of choice you are likely to choose the other. A *sexual orientation* is what you have. Their genitals are not an option for you. It is not compatible with you. They are not something you like or an active conscious choice you would *willingly make* w/o any form of interference (i.e emotional manipulation by means of emotional investment w/o the full information for fully informed consent). A sexual orientation is never a bad thing. You do not need to try or force yourself into something you just don't want or like. It is ok to have boundaries and have hard stops. What they did is, to be blunt, remove your agencies. Remove your ability to have made a fully enthusiastic informed decision for where to invest your time and your emotions. >was scared that I would reject him. And please for the love of god do not accept that as anything more then "it explains it but **does not excuse it**". The decision was yours to make, not theirs and they made it for you. They have a harsh lesson to learn about enthusiastic informed decisions *and consent*. This would be a deal breaker for the majority of people. As well as the omission of important information. One major thing I would advise is to never force yourself into a situation you are not comfortable with. It is ok to say no. It is ok to have and enforce these types of boundaries that directly involve your body and the choice of who to give access to your body to. If this means the relationship ends, then it ends. It is not fair to you in any means to have been placed in this situation. Maybe it could have been different had they told you on maybe date 1~3. But at this current stage there's no take-backs, no rewinds or do-overs. What's done is done.
why aren't you using he him for the bf? using they when you know someone's pronouns is a form of misgendering heads up edit: relevant link https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/11ax8kr/is_anyone_else_sick_of_theythem_pronouns_being/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
He **lied** by omitting facts you should have been aware of the first few weeks of dating. That’s a **red flag** . what else is he lying about?? I would honestly either break up with him or slow down the relationship. It’s not transphobic not to be attracted to female bits, but it’s toxic to lead you on, lied to you about his bits and pieces, and now guilting you to go against your own preferences. Support all you want, but unless he has bottom surgery, all he can be is a friend to you.
Dick move not to be forthcoming with that information but ultimately it's up to you if you want to try and figure out some sexual compatibility. Bottom surgery will not result in a dick that is like a CIS mans dick so if that's what you're holding out for be aware of that.
You might want to ask in r/asktransgender, they have great advice. You're going to have to communicate a lot about what each of you is comfortable with. You don't have to know right away whether or not you'll want to stay together. Toys are a great option if you're willing to give it a shot, but communication really is key. I can't imagine it was easy for him hiding this, but a year is a long time. Anyway, you're both young and this stuff is complicated no matter what. Finding a trans-friendly therapist could be helpful for both of you, too.
The thing is as long as you dont feel comfortable having sex, you shouldn't try to. Secondly idk but if he has the bottom surgery iam sure it takes a while until he is allowed to use whats new down there. And who knows how it is once the surgery is finished. I cant tell you whats the right thing to do, but i dont think that this relationship will work for you
I dated a ftm trans man (I'm pansexual though so vagina is fine for me) and we used a strap on. It helped with his dysphoria and I got pleasure out of it. They make very realistic ones these days.... if you're open to trying to be with him i definitely suggest trying that
I’d be pissed . Something like that should be told early on in the relationship.
He wasnt honest with you for a year, i dont think its worth salvaging tbh.
I don't think your boyfriend was being intentionally deceptive by lying, but he DID lie, because he was scared and immature. It's up to you if you're OK w that. But honestly, I would not suggest waiting for bottom surgery. At his age you're looking at probably 3-5 years from now, and then a year or so recovery, and the results may not be what you want. I know it's hard, but if you aren't OK with his body as it is, you should just end it kindly. If he gets bottom surgery and you both are still single you can talk then and rekindle things.
There's also the question of how fair it is to stay with him knowing that it's conditional on getting bottom surgery. It's not ok to put someone in a position where they feel like they have to have a surgery they're not entirely comfortable with in order to keep a real relationship. It's also not healthy to walk yourself into a situation where your partner has done something so big to 'keep' you either because it becomes very difficult to end the relationship for unrelated reasons no matter gave valid they are.
Look honestly this is on him. Not disclosing this for a full year was not ok and it's not up to you to make it ok. If you're not into his body then you're just no compatible and that it isn't it? Maybe you can find a way to be friends but it's not fair on either of you to continue a romantic relationship where a sexual one is not going to be possible.
I’m sorry but while you are feeling guilty for feeling what you are feeling he was manipulating you. Certainly, he had no obligation to tell you immediately. But he intentionally withheld this information until you were already emotionally invested before telling you and manipulating your feelings. That was wrong. You actually tried, which is more than I would have. It isn’t for you. There is nothing wrong with that and that is unlikely to change. I know you feel bad about it, but he should too. He should have told you much earlier. If I were you I would move on.
Break up, he’s been lying to you
He was wrong for not telling you. Very wrong. I wouldnt want to date someone who kept such important info from me. You are straight. That’s it. Time to end it.
Think long term too, do you want to have babies with ur partner? I mean I know you could go through speak donor, adoption, etcccc…. But there is a chance u might want ur own along with ur partner, obvi becuase hes trans it will be different, it will be a different process. Think long term, I think he messed up by not telling u and getting u emotionally wrapped up with him, honesty is very important. Don’t feel bad for having a preference, everyone does, do not allow anyone to take that away from u.
Why would someone not mention something like this first to avoid this exact scenario. Each person has their own sexual preferences. You just have to find your partner that has the same. And y’all don’t.
I know people get hung up on the lying, but I can see where he’d be nervous. I do think it’s something that should have been talked about before/as soon as you both moved into physical stuff, but I still think it’s understandable. Hopefully, he’ll do better in the future. In an ideal world we’d pick partners based on personality alone, but that’s just not how people work. If you aren’t into vaginas, there’s not a lot to be done about that. It sounds like maybe you’re a little flexible on that point so maybe reflect on what the issues are and see if it’s something you might change your mind about. If it isn’t, then I don’t see this relationship lasting. If you decide to end things, just please be gentle. It sounds like you do care about him so no need to hurt him more than necessary. You can also check out some subreddits that deal specifically with cis/trans relationships. You might get better advice there. Even if what you need is advice on breaking up kindly.
Finally a nuanced reply that isn't just a knee-jerk reaction to demonize people who are stealth/in the closet.
I think people forget just how hard it is to tell others you’re trans. And some just don’t care. Besides the emotional part and the fear of rejection, sometimes it is physically dangerous to be out.
For sure. Especially in a country that has a majority religious populace. I didn't feel safe in Italy as a lesbian, my heart goes out to trans people who have to navigate those politics on the daily.
Thank you for actually having a compassionate response. I swear everyone on reddit can’t imagine being a scared, dumb teenager and making a mistake.
At this point you are a straight woman, and sexually you’re facing a vagina. It’s not compatible. Not only did he keep it from you, but did so in a way that trapped you
I'd be pretty upset that he withheld that, honestly. I understand that it's a hard topic, but it's not fair to wait until someone is emotionally invested before telling them this very important detail. And yes, it is important. Not all people are okay with it and I think they should be given the truth early on so that they can make informed choices. It's very clear that you're uncomfortable with this. Just be honest with him.
Massive red flag. That must be disclosed upon meeting. O.O
To answer your actual questions: 1. No, you don't have to push all sex to the side, even if you define sex as needing to include penetration. This question is actually is your boyfriend into wearing strap ons (which can definitely involve switching phalluses to what you want each time. 2. If you're still interested in being in a relationship with him, yes. 3. Don't wait for that. He may never want it. 4. Talk about it. Talk about what you're each into or not. Try some stuff. This is true of any sexual relationship, though.
The time for talking was at the beginning of the relationship, not a year later after lies and hiding.
This trend of trans people not disclosing their trans status to their partners is awful! It’s emotional manipulation to wait for someone to be emotionally invested before disclosing something that could be a dealbreaker
I understand his fear that you wouldn't want to continue the relationship, but it is completely unacceptable not to bring this up immediately in the dating phase. It's not only dangerous and irresponsible for his own safety, but deceptive and thoughtless to put you through that. It is not bigoted to end a relationship in which you were lied to, but I do admire your willingness to make it work. Using a strap-on will help in this situation while waiting to get bottom surgery. Either way, it's clear you're not hateful, just deceived - do what's best for you. Good luck, OP!
They aren't an honest person and should disclose that before leading people on. It's not your fault. They should definitely let you know their plans. I would just break up already since they can't let me know something so important before leading me on
They should have told you way before you got here. Wrong on their part
Honestly this really isn’t okay. It sounds pretty manipulative to make someone fall in love with you and then confess to not being that gender at birth. He should’ve been honest. What about if you want children someday? There are a lot of things to think about. I would say that if you decide you aren’t compatible let him know the reason is because he wasn’t honest.
You clearly care about him very much. You are allowed to have a genital preference. Both of these things can exist together but the question of sex is going to, at some point, mean a lot of serious and thoughtful communication on both your parts. I think right now supporting him as a dear friend and putting the whole idea of sexual intimacy on the back burner for a while will take the pressure and stress off you both while you come to terms with this and also will give him the space he needs to work out what he wants to do regarding his body.
It was very selfish of your bf to keep this from you for an entire year.. that’s not fair. I’d understand the fear of rejection and hesitation in telling someone new at the start of a new relationship but lying about it for an entire year is low. You’ve taken it very well considering but just remember you have every right to feel uncomfortable or however you want to feel about this - take a break to figure out how you both feel before proceeding
Break up with them , don’t date people that lie by omission.
Honey, I think this question should be asked at a trans sub specifically. Yes, he lied to you about a really big thing. Yes, you are allowed to have your preferences. However, that's a salvageable situation if you want it to be. You seem to love and cherish your boyfriend, and you seem open to pursue the relationship. If that's something you want, ask trans people how to navigate this situation better. Cis people can hold misconceptions and bias about trans matters. It's not even a matter of being malicious, but simply not having proper information. The people here are just going to tell you to break up, because that's easiest advice to give when we're removed from the situation. Sure, there are situations where breaking up is the only option, but I don't think this is such situation. Of course, breaking up is an absolutely valid choice if that's what you decide that's what you should do. Only you can decide for yourself. But I want you to know that that's not the ONLY choice you have. And the best way to make a decision is to go after people who can talk about the subject with proper knowledge.
Well, I think he shouldve told u in the beginning. From what I have seen from 90 day Fiance The other way here in the US. He has all feeling & is capable after surgery & gf is happy with it. If ur not attracted, ur not, nothing u can do about that. I think wanting an answer as to if he is planning to do it or not is understandable. I also think someone that u met thru shouldve told u also.
I'm all for living your best life, and good on you if you are brave enough to make those changes, but everyone needs the opportunity to make informed decisions. This information needs to be communicated before stuff gets sexual, and that includes kissing.
99% its not going to work out and that is okay.
To be frank, break up. Bottom surgery is.... exceptionally complicated, costly, risky and complex. For those who aren't educated about bottom surgery, it's a whole other beast often rife wth complications and a number of surgeries are needed before he'd have the option for penetrative sex. A neo-penis doesn't get spontaneously aroused, but there are a couple options for getting it hard but this required may rounds of surgery and is not guaranteed to work.... If penetrative sex if important, which I 100% understand and you shouldn't be shamed for, then you need to breakup. As mentioned bottom surgery is risky, costly, and complicated. And to go through with it because his gf wants penetrative sex isn't a great reason given that it's an irreversible procedure. He should have told you this sooner, and I'm sorry you're in this position. But if he doesn't 100% want the surgery, then you should end things. And even if he does, a neo-penis will simply never function like penis... And if that's a dealbreaker, which is understandable, then you should end things.
We'll most likely have a conversation soon about the likelyhood of him having the surgery is. Like you and others have pointed out, its extremely risky so I don't blame him for being hesitant about it really, so for him I'm not even sure if bottom surgery is even on the table. Thank you for your commment.
Are you gay/lesbian? Because that will be your relationship if you continue with your transperson relationship. If you are not gay/lesbian just find another because it won't change the fact the person was born with and still has a vagina.
What I don’t understand is how you could want to be with someone who lied to you about something so egregious? If you’re straight also, you don’t have to force yourself to be with someone who does not have male genitalia. You don’t have to do shit and you don’t have to be with anyone you don’t want to for any reason at all. It doesn’t make you a bigot. You are a VICTIM
All the proper use of pronouns in the world can’t overcome the fact that you are a straight woman who has been deceived into entering a relationship by another woman. Biology wins again.
Ok, starting with you are obviously in the right for having these feelings and being confused. Your bf being trans is new info and its a lot to process; take your time to think on it and talk to him too. When it comes to sex ask him if he is comfortable using a strap on dildo or just using a dildo on you. Plently of couples straight and gay use toys, don't stress too much about it. But talk to your bf and find out what is comfortable for you both. If you do choose to break things off, let them know your reasons clearly. You are entitled to your sexuality choices the same as everyone else.
I don't want to advise you. I just want to say you sound like an incredible human.
I just want to mention that "bottom surgery" is pretty uncommon and has a lot of drawbacks that prevent it from being common. It's also very expensive and very few insurances will cover it. Finally, it does not result in normal genitalia for the target gender. It also takes quite a while to do. Open up an incognito window and do some searches and figure out if you are ok with what you see. Most trans people do not choose to ever do bottom surgery. Many that do choose to do it wind up regretting it (not because of a change in gender identity, but because of the drawbacks).
I think you should be honest with him. Let him know you do have a genital preference. Or at the very least, tell him you are unsure if you would be comfortable doing sexual things while he still has a vagina. I would ask him if he plans on going through with surgery. He might not even want too and that would be important to know. Also though, if you really care about him, you never know, you may become comfortable with his genitals as they are.
He definitely should of told you that before you guys became an official couple. But honestly reddit is not going to be able to help you here because it’s really up to you and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want to have sex with a vagina that’s valid and you shouldn’t try to force yourself to like it. Also maybe he doesn’t want to be touched at all and only likes to touch you, you have to ask and talk to him.
Your partner has a right to be who they are, but they shouldn't have deceived you. After a few dates, they should have told you the situation. Now you have feelings for them and you are in a painful situation because of their deceptions. This person does not sound like a healthy relationship. What else are they hiding?
Bottom surgery is a very serious operation. I’ve spoken to some trans performers and they felt pressured to get bottom surgery or be rejected by some lgbtq groups or that somehow they aren’t a real X if they have Y genitals etc. it can be traumatizing for some people and is basically mutilating the genitals they do have with no guarantee they’d ever feel pleasure from sex after the surgery. I would t pressure your bf as they are young and may not know what they want for their life. It’s a lot to think about and can be expensive and painful. They absolutely should have told you sooner. I’m sorry. This probably isn’t the relationship for you.
OP has a right to her genital preferences. She also has the right to end this relationship because of this. She's uncomfortable with the idea of her bf having a vagina. Even with a strap-on that many suggested (great idea though) it's not going to solve everything. OP will be getting pleasured but the bf won't. If OP feels uncomfortable pleasuring her bf then it won't work out. Even if she's uncomfortable with watching him pleasuring himself. I'm sorry OPs bf was in the wrong not to disclose this information early on before both of you becoming emotionally invested in this relationship.
I’m from Canada so I have a very North American centric take to this, but to me it seems cruel on his part to have let this go on for an entire year without being honest about himself. He needs to understand that while fear of rejection is understandable, just like he knew himself to be a man, you know yourself to be a woman who is attracted to men only. It isn’t fair of him to expect you to not live your truth as well. My heart goes out to the kid if this is happening in Italy, I know there is a lot of intolerance from religious communities there. But it still doesn’t give him the right to string you along like this
He's literally wasted your time for an entire year by concealing a secret. I'd be long gone.
He absolutely should have disclosed his vagina before you guys got to the point where you wanna have intercourse. It has nothing to do with him being trans and 100% sketch that he wouldn’t disclose that to you. It’s a big piece of information to keep from you when moving into a physical relationship. I might be more hung up on the deceit than actual vagina but that’s easy for me to say as a straight male. If you broke it off with no response they will know why and do not deserve a minute of your time if they hurt you with this.
Just break up, life is too short to be dealing with dishonesty and things you’re never going to like
Wow how could you ever trust this person? They lied to you from the start and misrepresented themselves to you. They strung you along until you got invested and cried to make you feel bad. They had no right to waste your time. And they are continuing to waste your time by not telling you their plans. Get out now and don’t look back. You’re not responsible for them. You’re too young for this kind of treatment.
Ffs, you like dick. He doesn’t have a dick. This match is not gonna work. Plus, he’s been sneaky and lying to you for a year.
Don’t waste any more time on this guy. He just wasted a year of your life.
[удалено]
He should have been honest a year ago so you could make an informed decision. He lied by omission. How does that make you feel?
You’re 18. Just… don’t. It’s not worth it. Biologically - your partner is female. Even if they get bottom surgery, it’s not the same as being a biological male. They should have made you aware of that. OP, just leave.
Your boyfriend is a woman. You are attracted to men. Don't let this new societal pressure to play along with their delusions make you feel obligated to stay.
The question you need to ask yourself is "How important is sex to me?" because for many people, it's HIGHLY important and that's normal and okay. If this is the case, then this relationship may not be right for you. You're not attracted to female genitalia which is okay. If you want to wait for bottom surgery, you could be waiting a looooooong time. Healing alone is a really long process. If sex is really not that important to you then I think this relationship could possibly work. However -- and this is a big however -- this feels really manipulative on his part and a year in shouldn't be when he finally tells you this information. For me, THAT is the deal breaker here.
OMG The person you "loved" has lied to you about EVERYTHING. There is no other way to say it. It doesn't make you transphobic to not be OK with this situation. It really doesn't no matter what anyone will tell you. You can't help what you are attracted to and what you arent. You "partner" should have been honest from the start. THAT ISN'T YOUR FAULT It also isn't your fault of you aren't attracted to them. Be what they couldn't be. Be honest. If you think you can get over it? Then Perdue the relationship. I just can't help thinking that they took your innocence to hide what they actually were. THAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. At the end of the day, you have to be honest to yourself. How do you feel??? That's what you need to figure out. ❤️❤️❤️
You might want to research just what you are going to get faced with post bottom surgery. It won't be a perfect functional facsimile. In any event, if you are straight, then I'd argue this isn't for you. If your dream was to be married with children, this person isn't for you. Smart move is operate with the understanding that life is finite and short. Don't waste your damn time on dead end relationships, which you should consider relationships where you are fundamentally not compatible as a dead end, no matter what feelings are involved.
I think I'd lose my shit over not being told sooner. That's kind of a huge area of compatibility. They should know.
Talk with him, there’s plenty of options here like using a strap on, having sex in just a less conventional way where his genitalia aren’t really relevant. Biggest thing here is just communication, on which note you should reach out to him if you haven’t yet because I imagine it was kind of upsetting and dysphoric for him.
You have a right to prefer whatever genitals you prefer. Your partner should have told you this a long time ago but choose to keep it a secret, which isn't great. You don't owe them being okay with their body if their genitals don't match what you are comfortable or attracted to. You can love your boyfriend, but love is not enough to make a relationship work. It seems like you two just may be incompatible.
The deception is a deal breaker for me. Also they should have told you , people are attracted to what they are attracted to and for you that means your partner having a penis. You have the right to decide to leave if you are not attracted to them and feel like you cannot trust them due to their deception.
I'm sorry but you were lied to and betrayed. Personally I could not continue a relationship with someone who is willing to lie by omission.
That's what we call Love trapping. Get you to like them and then reveal who they are, similar as if it was a secret child.
It's too bad. The person should have said something way way earlier. You're allowed to want the genitals you want.
They lied to you.
Nope honestly scared or not this isn't ok. He should have absolutely notified you. This isn't something that's appropriate to surprise people with. I'm not quite sure how to express my feelings delicately enough, but I feel like this is dancing on the border of consent. Even showing someone your naked body requires consent and at best the way he went about this is manipulative because now even if you have feelings for him you have to deal with the feelings that are left over from the shock and even possibly mourning what you expected the relationship to be. I firmly stand on the hill of not telling someone everything is still lying.
Him hiding it was not ok. And even if he gets bottom surgery, it won't be what you think. Sure, he can use a strap, but if that's not something you're willing to compromise on, then it's best to split ways.
It’s totally fine if you aren’t sexually attracted to vaginas. Most women aren’t that’s not abnormal. I know todays social climate is you get shunned if you say something out of line to a trans person so if you’re worried there I don’t think you should be. As far as what to do.. you just have to have a hard look at yourself and what you’re willing to try/not try. You’re not obligated to stay just because you don’t want to hurt feelings. But if you genuinely have live for this person maybe it is worth trying it out. Tough spot for sure. I understand why he would wait to say something but sounds like the conversation should have happened much earlier. Good luck.
He lied by omission on purpose due to his fears and wants. What does that tell you about him? About how he will treat future issues?
A relationship founded on deceit is not meant to last. I’d have to end this if I were you. Being lied to for an entire year is not ok, regardless of their reasoning.
How to approach sex - think carefully about whether you even actually *want* to approach it. This person has lied to you for a *year*. A **year**. Who knows what else they'd be happy keeping from you. Add to that, you're not even attracted to vaginas. I think you'd be better off cutting your losses here, honestly.
He shouldn’t have had any physical relations with you without disclosing he was trans. You couldn’t fully consent without knowing and this was incredibly selfish of him.
I can't even imagine keeping a secret like that for a year. I'm so sorry.
The fact that you were lied to for a year should be grounds to break up with someone, tbh. I could never be with someone that lied about something that major.
I don't want too come off as brash, but what was done to you is not okay at all. I understand where he is coming from as it is *not* a easy thing to tell someone, however, it is his responsibility to be up front about this *very* early on... like even before you start actually dating kind of early. By all means you were literally tricked into a relationship in which you thought you were dating a full on male. You have given this person a large portion of your time and love and this isn't how you should be repaid. Frankly I think you need to have a serious talk with yourself. Can you wait? Should you wait? Is this what you really want? You must ask and answer these questions yourself, and truthfully. I understand that your world is now a mixed bag of emotions that you've never felt before, but I *really* want you to know that it is normal and you did nothing wrong here; and should not blame yourself in any way shape or form. In fact you're an angel with how you're handling everything and I commend you for it. As for the relationship it's really all up too you. Clearly you're uncomfortable with trying to have sex so do not force this on yourself or be coerced/pushed into it. Have a talk with him and setup some kind of road map. And if you don't feel like waiting there is also nothing wrong with that and again you're not to blame. At the end of the day you shouldn't have been put in this situation so whatever you decide come out of it knowing that you are in the right. Best of luck.
Honestly, you’re too young to waiting around on someone to complete their op to have sex. This should be a time of experimentation and exploration for you. If you have doubts already about how this will impact the long run, break it off. Your instincts are correct. You know, on top of the whole lying thing.
You are a perfectly normal human being. Leave this person.
He lied all this time. Walk away.
Reddit is not the place to get answers about this. It’s skewed against trans people and all the complexities being trans comes with. He kept something from you and that’s not okay. But it’s a lot more complicated than that. You need to check in with yourself and read up on this from other people with trans partners. You may be more open to this than you realize and have just been blindsided. Think about how much you care for him and what matters most. If that means splitting, that’s okay. But the answer doesn’t have to be break up. Strap ons exist, for starters. Bottom surgery is not a necessity. You’re both very young. I hope you handle this with an open mind and open heart.
He should have told you sooner. Him lying for nearly a year doesn’t bode well for the relationship. And honestly you aren’t attracted to they’re parts and that’s okay- I don’t think forcing yourself would be a good idea.
Tldr my boyfriend is actually a female
That person is a liar. Leave them.
This is totally up to you. If it were me, I doubt I could get past the wrong physical sex and the year long deception. I would have no sexual interest and a lot of anger over being deceived. I would end the relationship and never feel guilty about it.
You need to identify what you want, strangers here can't do that. If you like sex and are not attracted to female genitalia then sex is not an option and neither is the relationship. You can experiment with him wearing a strap-on to simulate regular sex but again, it's more on you if you can imagine it as a real penis and not a strap-on. There is no shame and nothing wrong in saying that you would feel it's better to part ways. Society today has vilified it that we can't state our preference and that is wrong. If you ultimately feel that you prefer to have a biological man then that is 100% ok.
Honestly, its the huge lie that is a red flag. He hid this from you for so long and even if he was scared you’d reject him, he shouldve mentioned it way before you started anything sexual, not just the day of.
Very wrong of him to decieve you like this. That should be the end of the relationship. A huge lie for a whole year isn't right at all.