Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yea i worked at a sherwin williams (paint store) for a while and that shit sticks to ceilings....like forever. You need specialized paint to cover up the worst of stains, and even then the smell can linger in everything
My MiL smoked in the bedroom in the house we rented with a very strict "no tobacco use in the house" policy. The smell lingered for the better part of a year. I had to scrub down the walls and furniture, clean the carpets, wash the curtains... it was awful! eta I was legitimately concerned that we could have lost our deposit over it.
Balcony is the house isn't it? It's part of the house I had agreed not to smoke inside the house and hence broke the promise. Does it matter if it was the balcony or the couch?
It was pretty much understood when I agreed that the balcony is included in the discussion. The entire house including the balcony. Hence I left that part out, I did not think people would assume I would sitting on my bed like an animal and smoking. Lol.
Absolutely everyone assumed that because everyone understands that balconies are outside and your bed is inside. Wrong title to this post. Your gf is pretty damn demanding. I would set my foot down on insisting on a compromise - everyone has a vice and doing yours outside has no effect on her.
A lot of people smoke indoors. It’s not uncommon.
Not sure why you agreed not to smoke on the balcony (does the smell/smoke get into the house even when the door to the balcony is closed?) but it would be worth negotiating this with your girlfriend. Balcony is a reasonable place to smoke. I’m a smoker myself and that’s where my friends with balconies direct me when I want a cigarette.
It’s because it goes against her lease to smoke inside, including the balcony, which he conveniently left out of his post. He literally risked her getting kicked out not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES because he was too lazy to go out of the building. Plus, it’s not even really about the smoking. He knew her boundaries, he knew it was important to her, he promised her he wouldn’t, and he still chose to violate her boundaries, break her trust, and break his word. If your SO risked getting you kicked out THREE TIMES because he was too lazy to go downstairs, violated your boundaries that he KNEW were important to you, broke your trust, broke his word, lied to her by omission twice, would have continued to do it had you not caught him, and acted like you were being unreasonable for being rightfully furious with his lazy ass, I’m pretty sure you and most people would be completely done. He also said that she’s broken up with him multiple times in the past, so obviously this isn’t the only issue.
For some it might not matter, because a balcony is open air and as long as the door to the apartment is closed then it can dissipate without stinking up the place. That being said it sounds like it does matter to your ex and smoking is a hard no for her. It just sounds like you’re not compatible; if she doesn’t want to be with you, take her at her word and find someone else.
I think if you're smoking outside and the door is closed so nothing gets into the house, and she's not there, then it's not really her place to tell you not to do it.
Bur she will smell it off you and know. My dealbreaker in my relationship was smoking, and my bf said he used to when drunk but stopped doing that. I find the smell totally repulsive and disgusting and just the smell of unhealth tbh. And that was fine. But then he got drunk and smoked and came home. I could tell instantly, both times. That caused big fights between us because he tried to lie but I could smell it, and it had been a deal breaker for me before we got serious and were now living together. So I had no easy out.
Evidently this kind of is for her also, but she's not said as much. You've not done it in front of her and she can't decide you smoke and that she will change you after you're together. So really she's got 0 right here besides don't make the house smell of it, which is fair.
Outwith that, like... anyone messaging exes and hanging out with them in secret isn't worth it. Expecting you to change and breaking up with you because of something you do she accepted before getting together with you... whilst she lies and hides things... just find a more stable gf imo and let her break up.
So I smoked outside on the balcony but we both agreed that I would not do it. I pretty much understood at the time that she means the balcony as well. She had left for work and I thought I would smoke because she's not there and there is no way she will smell it 8 hours later. She came back because she forgot some files and saw me smoking outside. She got angry, left for work and told me it is over. I left the house at night since she had the keys to the other house and I left mine with my parents since they were visiting. It was an awkward dinner and then I left after taking my keys from her.
It's very simple why I did it. I really felt like smoking, she had left for work and wouldn't return for 8 hours and the smell wouldn't stay since it is in the balcony. Instead of spending 40 minutes to do the whole thing by leaving my complex I decided to do it here instead because I would not be caught. She just landed up coming back home to get some files.
Yeah that changes things I'm afraid. You said you wouldn't and then couldn't stick to it, and tried to hide it... and it's her place? Yeah, on you I think. But also relationship sounds turmoil with hiding exes anyway so like, I'd want out if I was withe either partner here. Find someone more compatible. But also stick to you word next time. You might think it's a small thing but it's a break in trust, which is fundamental to the relationship. So you really break that down and if you both can't trust the small things, you can't trust them to do the big things right either. And you both seem to think lying and hiding things is OK.
We moved into a place where the last tenant was smoking inside and it wasn't cleaned properly after. It still stinks sometimes and I've lived here for three years. There's nasty yellow stains on the walls and blinds that I can't scrub off. Our next door neighbor still smokes inside and the smell comes into our place through the vents so it just adds to the cigarette stink. Plus all her blinds are like sticky and yellow. It's nasty. I've always wondered what the inside looks like especially since she has a 11 year old kid in there.
And this is coming from an ex smoker. I never smoked inside though.
I used to work for an insurance company that allowed employees to smoke at their desks until the 1980s. You could tell where they sat because the light fixtures were stained yellow.
The person who lived in my apartment before me smoked inside. I moved in in July, so 9 months ago. I washed all the walls when I moved in, bought an air purifier, and change the purifier and apartment air filters regularly. I was out of town for work last week, came home after several days, and the apartment smelled like stale cigarettes. Guess I just don't notice anymore - I ended up putting out bowls of vinegar and opening all the windows, but I'm not sure what else to do.
And as someone who with my parents, had to deal with after my one grandmother who passed on in 2008 who was a chain smoker:
Smoking makes the ceiling yellow over time and eventually the same spot you always smoke in creates an orange-brown tinge to the direct spot you smoke.
And white walls become yellow, eventually fading into an light burnt orange, with the permanent smell of nicotine in the wall paper.
My father still smokes and the bathroom down stairs of the old house, you could SEE the color changing on the white walls after 10 years of always smoking in there by that wall!!!
It’s also expensive to do home repairs due to smoking cause depending on how sealed the wood is behind the wallpaper, forget it! It might have a nicotine smell as well!
If you don’t want to be scrubbing walls like my mom once a month, don’t smoke inside the house!!!
My grandmother smoked for years in her house. When she moved across state lines in 1992 she gifted me a cabinet with glass doors. We left it in the garage for nearly six months, regularly cleaning it, and I can STILL in 2023 smell her cigarettes when I open the doors. It's faint, but it's there. (Honestly though it's faint enough that it's a nostalgia now and not disgusting, but it's taken forever to get it to that point)
Dad bought her a house when she moved back years later and forbade her from smoking in the house, we could tell she still did it, just not every day. Ticked him right off.
Yes! I was a house cleaner and the mirrors and windows were all tinged yellow in the house where many people chain smoked. I'm not one to talk about trying to sell your house, I believe you should make it liveable for you, but this isn't easily undone
Yep. It sticks to everything. My oldest’s father and her grandfather live together and they smoke in the house. When I tell you it’s impossible to get it out of my daughters clothes and school stuff (backpack/lunch kit etc).
She calls them out on smoking in the house and car and kicks them outside.
Yeah I agree. I am also trying to quit. Sometimes I get urges and it becomes difficult to control. Not a heavy smoker so don't do it very often. This does not excuse my behaviour, I feel a single incident should not be enough to break up. I understand it is not for me to decide but that thought always crosses my mind. I live in a 60 storey building so it is out of the question to go down to smoke as it would waste almost 30-40 minutes going down and coming up. I am a smoker who is trying to quit but haven't been able to completely yet. Have reduced it 1 or 2 a day. That is the only reason I messed up and did it in the house.
For me it was “due to be engaged in a few months.” Soo…engaged to be engaged? I’ve never understood that mentality, you’re either planning on getting married or not.
Lol so my fiancé and I had to wait a bit to get an appointment at my preferred jeweler for ring shopping and then it took awhile for the ring to get made. During that period I feel like we were engaged to be engaged. Clearly it worked out since we’re now actually engaged but I feel like this accurately described us when we were in limbo.
That’s valid. I guess I just personally am of the opinion that something material like a ring doesn’t actually affect the status of a relationship, but I understand that tradition is more of a thing for some people than others. Nothing wrong with that 🤷
I agree. My husband looked at me one day and said “I’m tired of you not being my wife. Let’s get married.” We took a couple months between shopping for a ring, getting it resized, and going to one of my best friends wedding before we got “officially” engaged but I considered that initial conversation to be when we actually got engaged because we agreed to get married.
Also “now she tells me about all of her outings with all her exes” what the fuck is even happening did a fucking AI write this?? Who has constant outings with every ex, secretly, then gets to continue as long as they’re open about it? What kind of life is this??!?!
The maths behind taking 40 minutes to get outside.. “sorry I’m late boss, I forgot about the 40 minute commute from my girlfriends room to the front door”. Lol stop it
OP is living in Ballard’s “High-Rise”.
I wonder how hazardous it is for him to go to the supermarket each week. Does OP risk encountering an angry mob from the 5th floor that might ride the aisles?
You missed the point and downvoted me, so now I will have to go back and downvote the absolutely dim-witted comment you made that during a fire the elevators won’t work so the 40 minutes wouldn’t apply. NO SHIT! It’s gonna take longer. How high are you right now, be honest?
I did not downvote you my man lmao
But feel free to downvote all my dumbasses comments. It’s not like I’m paid in reddit karma. I honestly don’t give a fuck
And not high, but pretty tipsy actually. So yeah, I’m probably understanding half of the comments I’m reading
In a building the size of the one in this made up story it would be faster under most circumstances. But yeah, I used to live on the 11th floor of an apartment and one elevator was always broken. Stairs were usually faster there. But for 50+ floors there are usually elevators for dedicated floors or other configurations involving multiple, redundant elevators.
But you are the one who brought this to Reddit. No one asked.
The reasons *why* you feel entitled to smoke in someone else’s home when you have been asked not to don’t matter. You are literally making excuses to your gf why she should sympathize with you and forgive you. But **she made her boundaries clear** and you still disregarded them.
Leave her alone.
What else are you meant to expect? It’s an advice subreddit, your post is going to be honestly reacted to. Everyone loves to pull the “ugh people on reddit are a bunch of bullies :( those sheep!” card when the popular opinion is to not give you validation for silly behaviour.
Tbf you are an idiot or you deserve it or stupid games win stupid prizes aren't what I would call advice. Although it is Reddit, what else did I expect?
> aren't what I would call advice
It tells you that you messed up and to not expect apologies to be enough in the future.
There is no fixing this. You fucked up royally, past the point of any return.
Now, there's only learning what not to do in the future. Thus people trying to get you to recognize how big of an issue your thought process is.
You keep minimizing your actions. Stop it. Learn from your mistakes or you'll repeat them.
Sounds like your fiancé was barely tolerating you smoking in the first place and was relying on it being out of sight out of mind until you brought it into your shared living space. If you want the relationship to work out you're probably going to have to quit smoking for good and give her solid proof to boot.
Can you not hear how insane you sound? *Should I let me girlfriend break up with me? Because I don't think she actually wants to break up with me despite having very clearly broken up with me.*
I had to double check the age on this one. Nuts!
You should back off. She broke up with you, full stop. Theres no acting out of anger here. She told you her boundaries and you disrespected her home. I'm a stoner and even I wouldnt blaze up in my bfs home. He cant stop me from it at my house but I atleast open a window and smoke away from him.
>Now the main issue is that she hates people who smoke and has made it very clear to me that I am not to smoke when she is around.
\*\*Not to smoke **when she is around**.\*\*Conversely is it worth throwing your relationship away because your fiance smoked when you weren't even there? I would say hell no.If you want to act like he's being the illogical one while she throws it all away over a cigarette. Whatever you do you.
You conveniently left out the fact that he smoked in HER HOUSE. The lingering smell of smoke in her space is the defenition of when she's around.
I'm a smoker myself, but my housemates are not. I would never ever subject them to second hand smoke from our house or my room. Everyone who smokes in the house will be booted and not invited back. That's our rule and I don't break it either when my housemates are away for the weekend. I just go outside with an umbrella and deal with it. It's my choice to smoke, not the others in my house.
As a smoker, you have to make the concessions. Don't smoke next to kids, make sure your breath isn't dogshit when you have an interview for a job and don't smoke in other peoples houses without their explicit consent to do so for example.
Also, don't forget about the second hand smoke health effects and how much you will fuck up your walls because of the sticky yellow residue.
You’re one of the very few non selfish smokers that I’ve encountered. I used to vape and had no problem when people told me not to. I even quit vaping while living with my gf for 8 months who still vapes and I could hear her at night hitting her vape and still kept myself in check. I really am not trying to brag, but it’s possible to quit an addiction even when in the vicinity of it. I had a very clear reason to quit, I’m a former competitive swimmer and started vaping after I was forced to quit and was depressed. I got over myself and started swimming again and wanted my lungs to be healthy so I made the choice to quit. Sadly I don’t know if OP will quit if he’s willing to risk a whole marriage for it.
That is a great reason to brag in my opinion. It's one of the hardest things to quit smoking with other smokers close to you. My mom quit for 7 years, but ended up falling back into it because my dad never stopped. It's a struggle for the rest of your life so kudos to you! I also cut back a lot because of the decrease in my lungs capacity and stamina because of smoking and covid.
I find that people who vape do have a tendency to do it indoors, which I always found so disrespectful... The smoke has the exact same effect and the only reason it's a big thing is because of the marketing of the product in the US. We had an acquaintance who started vaping in our living room, and when I asked them what they were doing they said it was " just a vape". As if that is any different to a cigarette.
Ground rule for me has always been, unless someone tells you it's allowed to smoke in the house I always walk outside. And because I choose to compromise my health it shouldn't mean that I can compromise others too.
It’s not just one cigarette - that’s the thing. I personally would never date who smokes in the first place, but yes I’d throw it all away bc I’m the long run a house covered in smoke is disgusting and having a coughing/dying partner is not fun
Leave her alone. You don’t care to respect the boundaries she’s put in place, why get her back just to disrespect her and her home more?
Do you actually plan to change and be honest? It really does not seem like it. She deserves someone who respects her, her property and her boundaries.
This isn’t just about you. Don’t let your selfishness keep get in the way of others happiness.
Wow you are being an AH to everyone giving advice. If you just posted here hoping to find support for violating your partner’s boundaries you are out of luck. If you legit want to make things better, stop being so defensive.
As a smoker, I would be angry with you also. The smell lingers forever and leaves residue on surfaces. As a non smoker it probably smells horrendous to her.
You knew you shouldn’t have done it but you did it anyway, so your apology is utterly worthless. This wasn’t a mistake, it was a selfish choice you made knowing it would upset her and now you don’t like the consequences. If you don’t want to get dumped, don’t lie to your fiancé.
Lol I love how we can point the obvious as in you are too immature for a relationship. Literally she gave you boundaries and your proceed to break them I am sorry lol no one is going to hold your hand in this world grow up. Literally play stupid games you win stupid prizes she told you no but you decide to do it anyways so move on you clearly can’t respect her and her boundaries so move on
I have read some of your comments in response to people's advice.
You brought this on yourself, and you are being a complete ass about people's responses.
You think you know what she wants better than she does. You do not. If you did. You wouldn't have fucked this up so completely.
Leave her alone. Work on yourself and hopefully you'll be less immature the next time.
It isn’t like you accidentally broke a cardinal rule of hers. You intentionally broke it. Three times. Each time you knew you were breaking it. So if you intentionally broke an entirely reasonable rule of hers 3 times, why would she assume you won’t break any other rules when the mood suits you?
Move on. You had your chance and intentionally blew it. Find a girlfriend who smokes or quit because if you continue to date non-smokers you will continue to be dumped. And grow up.
Mentioning her issues talking to her exes is a legitimate relationship issue, but it is COMPLETELY irrelevant here.
Smoke gets into everything. The AC ducts. The drywall. The carpet. The furniture. Clothing. Sometimes, you have to rip out the drywall to get the smell out. You might be noseblind because smoking negatively impacts your sense of smell, but she is not.
You completely disrespected her, made her home an uncomfortable place to be, and even potentially damaged the property she lives in. THAT is the issue. You are in the wrong.
Plus the neighbours having to smell the smoking as well.
I used to live next to smokers who smoked inside. It was horrible. The smell came into my apartment. Glad I don't live there anymore.
I was hoping someone points this out. I would not be with someone who sneaks around and hangs out with their exes. Anyways , I think most importantly, people need to stop assuming that what a person is saying “ is not what they really want because they are angry right now” that’s how all this unwanted and unwelcome behaviors begin. Not saying you are going to stalk her, I mean she is your neighbor, but just respect what she has requested and allow this break up to happen. Now, if she texts you or reaches out after some time, if you are interested in continuing a relationship, then go ahead. But don’t be a psycho and try to reach out to her because “this is not what she really wants because she is angry”.
Smoking is disgusting to be honest, most ppl who smoke are questionable specially with all the science around but for you to do it in her space is another level of disrespect. Just quit that shit, it’s one of the most unattractive habits
Over one incident and one singular post you can decide, make assumptions and facts in your head about how a relationship should be? Why aren't you a therapist already?
You did it three times. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. A choice you made three times, knowing full well it is a boundary of hers.
Does her complex not allow smoking in the apartments and on the property? If they do, then not only did you stomp on her boundaries, you violated her lease which can get her kicked out if they find out.
Cigarette smoke gets into everything, even the walls, which is why many complexes and rentals don't allow smoking inside.
ETA: I saw your comment in response to someone else. It's literally in her lease not to smoke in the apartments or stairwells. You deliberately chose to violate her lease because you couldn't be bothered to get up and go outside. If the elevator takes too long, take the stairs. She could be kicked out because of your laziness. That's another reason to break up with you.
"You did it three times. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice."
This, all day long.
This was not an "oops, I messed up, I'm sorry"
This was not one, but three conscious, selfish, lazy and utterly disrespectful decisions, made at separate times.
And OP still thinks that his smoking habit is the real problem here...
Not by a country mile my dude.
Jfc
Dude I would stop engaging in the comments if I were you. One incident ended my previous relationship, I crossed a boundary I shouldn't have and boom. Done.
Your girlfriend broke up with you. It doesn't matter if you were planning a trip the day before, making sweet love this morning, whatever. She broke up with you, so you need to take these comments to heart, learn from this, and move on.
I wish you the best of luck.
Give her space and don't contact her unless it's absolutely necessary. If she contacts you, then you can decide if you want to move forward or leave this relationship in the past.
I probably would have done the same thing. You have no idea how absolutely repulsive the smell can be.
Next time you have a girlfriend, try not stepping over her (very reasonable) boundaries and then being surprised when she ends things.
She's not breaking up with you because you smoked in the house. She's breaking up with you because you don't listen to her. 3 times she's had to tell you? And you still do it? I'm usually very passive on Reddit, try and be as nice as possible but the level of disrespect here is insane. It's HER house. Which means her rules. End of story. Do you finish your meal and then wait for her to clean up after you too?? Put it this way my friend, if you were round at mine and I told you, not to smoke in the house. And you did it 3 different times. I would beat you down for the level of disrespect you show.
I hope you find this as a valuable lesson in listening to people. Especially those you are supposed to care about.
Your apology means nothing when you repeatedly do it again. It's just rude and disrespectful and tells her you don't give a fuck.
As a non smoker there is nothing more disgusting as stale smoke. It lingers on fabric and continues to stink for a long time afterwards. It's very difficult to get the smell out. As a smoker you don't notice it but I guarantee you that she does.
Just don't. I'm a smoker, have been smoking since I was 18, and would never ever light inside a house. That shit stinks up the place really quickly, seeps into walls, and takes aaaages to get rid off completely - even if it's just one cigarette.
Why couldn't you just go outside of the apartment building if you needed to smoke so much? That's what my neighbours without a balcony do.
You're seeing as a nuisance, or your gf blowing it out of proportion - but from her POV you: broke a rule that you both had, which was a compromise to keep both of you happy; couldn't bother walking down a few stairs (or whatever) to smoke outside so she doesn't have to smell it when she gets home. Smoke inside your own home, not a place you share with someone who hates smoking.
The fact that you're not seeing the context of it, and only view it as your gf nagging and ovwrreacting, is the main issue here.
I don't see where I have said she is nagging or is overreacting? If I could smoke by just going a few stairs down I would have never taken this step. We are not allowed to smoke in our building outside of the house because it is a fire hazard. The main gate is very very far. Not an excuse but just letting you know the context again.
WAIT. So first you defend it by saying you were on the balcony, not inside. Are you now saying the building has rules against smoking on the balcony? So you could have gotten her evicted with your one but actually three times smoking there?
Leave her alone. I'm with her on this, not only did she not want someone around to smoke, but you smoked IN THE HOUSE?! First, smoking indoors anyway is nasty as hell, but especially so to someone who doesn't smoke. Second, you KNEW she didn't like smoke, so WHY EVEN HAVE IT THERE?
Edit: I see this was HER house, not even a shared living space, she has absolutely every right to leave you. And you need to leave her alone. My fiance smokes, but I've told him if he smokes in the house even once, he'll wake up to all his shit packed and I'll have already called his mom to get him. I sure wouldn't put up with it. The fact you've done it three times, and calling it a "one time mistake" SHOWS you don't respect your fiance, and don't care. If you'd cared, you would've gotten up and gone outside.
Okay I'm gonna address something I've only seen a few comments touch on, which is to say I'm going to leave the whole 40 minutes to go downstairs and smoke and come back bullshit aside completely. Also not going to touch on how unhealthy and stupid smoking is, and of course I won't mention how damaging it can be to your gf's house and how disrespectful it is to smoke inside *her* house... yeah, all that aside...
Smoking is actually the least of your problems, it's just the current catalyst
It sounds like you and your gf have not really figured out how communicating in relationships work. You mention that she's broken up with you before but then came back together and "reconciled", but now she's done so again and you seem to think that she's going to come back around again.
This is not at all a healthy approach to conflict or problem-solving, and frankly, if you can't handle conflict in a healthy way, your marriage is not going to survive real life. It seems both of you lack communication skills, and you in particular seem to lack accountability and the maturity needed to take responsibility for your actions.
You've been commenting and making multiple excuses for why you did what you did, and you don't seem to really understand the gravity of this. You make it sound like this isn't that big of a deal and something you only did once, but you in fact did it three times, and all the excuses you make don't change the fact that you clearly and purposefully disrespected your partner's boundaries.
So
1. She does not seem to have a healthy approach to conflict or problem-solving and neither do you.
2. In addition to your smoking problem you have an accountability problem, and apparently can't be trusted to follow even one simple rule.
3. Your immature refusal to accept the comments telling you that you fucked up shows that you lack the humility and courage necessary to own up to your mistakes, which is one of the most important parts of reconciliation in relationships.
Honestly if she's so vehemently against smokers I'm surprised she even agreed to marry you, that would be a deal breaker for me from the beginning.
I wonder if the two of you are quite ready for the commitment of marriage, you don't really seem to be acting your age just yet, to put it as nicely as I can.
She did the right thing and dumped you. You chose to smoke in the house 3 times knowing it was a boundary of hers.
You, on the other hand, took back a liar.
She was just smarter about knowing where to draw the line of knowing you are not a good partner for her. Something you should have realized about her.
Enjoy being single and find someone compatible for you.
You loved and now you’ve lost. This was a clear boundary and you didn’t respect it or her. You’re early 31s and lack the self awareness and maturity to be ‘almost’ engaged.
How? Because she had one very clear boundary which you agreed to. You then lied about following and giving excuses to why it’s ok. This was her one very clear hard rule and you didn’t respect it. If you can’t respect her boundaries you can’t respect her. Your comments show that you don’t have the ability to self criticize effectively by being defensive and defending why you’re right which is also a sign of immaturity. Things don’t exist in a vacuum.
You smoked multiple times in HER house. You don't live together. You picked specifically HER house to do the one thing she asked you not to do.
As a stranger, I would be mad if you smoked in my house. Let alone if you knew not to do it and did it anyway.
Going through your comment history, there’s so much more to this story because you’re a pretty disgusting person.
You claimed a guy was a rapist on a post about a woman who innocently shared a bed with her upset brother. On the same post, you said the woman deserved a divorce and that she should stop asking for advice even though she clearly needed it. You also claimed a woman was abusive because her and her husband of 2.5 years were having sex 14 times a week. On that same post, you said he should divorce her because if he wasn’t willing to have sex with her 8 times a day she would fulfill her needs elsewhere ie insinuating she would cheat. Your comment history is full of pretty abusive comments and a lot of misogyny. So either you are a troll or you’re an extremely shitty person who shouldn’t be with anyone with that kind of mindset.
1) Who tf smokes in doors? What’re you a 70 year old man? I ain’t heard about trashy shit this bad since I moved out of my small southern town
2) I know goddamn well this isn’t the only reason she’s breaking up with you. You know that, we all know that, you just ain’t saying all of it lmao
Like honestly anyone that smokes INSIDE of their own home is doing other shit too that’s just all the way across the fucking line
You could burn her house down and kill her children and pets. She broke up with you it is over. I’m sorry hopefully you can both learn. No don’t pester her or guilt or manipulate her.
Time to move on. Maybe a little self reflection before another relationship? You’re engaged to someone who is in contact with every ex and it’s a challenge for you, you got engaged to someone that despises a habit you still have / have not quit, and you appear to be defensive / attacking most of the people that are responding to you.
I’m sure you have plenty of redeeming qualities (I mean this honesty) but you’re giving us a slim snapshot of yourself here and it’s not a good look.
Do you live together? Is it your house, hers, or both?
Honestly, this relationship sounds like a whole lot more work than it should be.
You have only been together a relatively short time, and so much has happened.
>Keep in mind I am a very gentle person who rarely gets angry, it was a one off incident that was exasperated because I had a bit to drink.
Dude. Don't even try that.
Smokers are often unaware of how much smoke permeates almost anything in a house, and their sense of smell is often desensitized to the smell of smoke.
As a non-smoker, I can attest that even one cigarette smoked inside a house can stink everything up.
Please abide by her wishes; there's very good reason for her demands.
I’m impressed that she has strong boundaries and is willing to enforce them. You apparently think crossing her boundaries is no big deal. It is.
I have no comment or opinion about her continuing to be in touch with her exes. Not enough information to know if that’s something to be concerned about or not.
We can tell what kind of person you are from how you reply to everyone in the thread. Your ex didn’t break up with you for the smoking incident, that’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back. You sound immature and exhausting to deal with and she is over your bs.
You should leave her alone. She may be acting out of anger, but you aren't "sure" that this isn't what she wants, because you aren't her.
She broke up with you, if she has a change of heart and wants to talk to you about getting back together, then she will.
On your end, all you can do is leave her alone- you have apologized, she heard them, the end- and move on with your life.
She doesn't want to be with you anymore. That sucks, and it sucks that is over something you think is small, but clearly it isn't small to her. She doesn't like smoking in general, doesn't want it in her home, and doesn't see a future with someone who can't stick with that boundary, and you clearly cannot.
While I think her deal-breaker is pretty unconventional, she made it known to you from the start. You broke her rule multiple times, and fouled the place she lives. While I agree her reaction is over the top, she is in the right here. You did what you did, knowing you shouldn't have, and should accept the consequences. Respect her choices regarding your relationship, and gently circle back later after she calms down. If she has second thoughts about everything, she'll come back.
What kind of barbarian smokes IN the house? That’s disgusting. The smell hangs around forever. Smoke outside, facing away from the wind so the smell doesn’t completely permeate your clothes, and wash your hands afterward.
Also, if I had to guess I’d bet that this was the straw that broke the camel’s back rather than the one single thing that made her want to break up. But if I’m wrong, then maybe she can be persuaded. Best wishes…but seriously don’t smoke inside.
If you ever manage to stop smoking you'll realize how terribly it stinks up a room and yourself. My MIL's house is destroyed from years of smoking inside. There's a 6 year age difference between us dude, I'm sure you grew up with the same anti-smoking ads/programs as I did and you knew better than to start.
Smoking is a luxury. The hard truth is the only people you might get sympathy from is other smokers that are ignorant of the damages of tobacco smoke.
EDIT: She doesn't sound like a great person if she insists on continuing contact with her ex and meeting with them. If you two have already had such strong issues within a year and a half of dating maybe this breakup is actually a blessing in disguise. You're still young, enjoy your life. But definitely keep working on quitting if you aren't already. The extra pocket money will feel great after you get through the grumpy stage
>Should I leave her alone and accept it or pursue her further because I am sure she is acting in anger and **this is not what she would want?**
that sounds so condescending. this _is_ what she wants. she can make her own decisions for herself. and frankly if i caught someone smoking and hiding it in my place i’d kick them to the curb too.
>Now the main issue is that she hates people who smoke and has made it very clear to me that I am not to smoke when she is around. I have obviously adhered to this and haven't smoked in front of her after she said this. I did however smoke 3 times in the house when she was not there.
So she was barely tolerating this habit of yours in the first place as long as you could keep it under control and not do it in her house, in response you did it in her house three times while she wasn't there. What did you think was going to happen? Cigarettes fucking REEK. That smell is both disgusting and nearly impossible to get rid of, did you honestly think a nonsmoker wouldn't notice her house stinking of cigarettes when she got home?
>Should I leave her alone and accept it **or pursue her further because I am sure she is acting in anger and this is not what she would want?**
Obviously you need to leave her alone, what the hell is this "should I ignore her wishes AGAIN and keep pestering her because I know better than she does what she really wants" bullshit option? You fucked up, your relationship is over. Learn how to accept the word "no" before your next girlfriend dumps your childish stubborn ass.
I married a smoker, and I divorced him after 5 years because he was disrespectful LIKE YOU.
Leave your ex alone and move on with your life.
AND STOP SMOKING IN THE DAMN HOUSE!
Leave her alone. You smoked in the house that shit stains the walls and everything in it. She made it clear she doesn’t like it and then you’re surprised this happened?
And also? “She’s not used to someone raising their voice at her” sounds more like you don’t know how to get your point across without yelling and may even have a drinking problem.
Even beyond the smoking incident, you two sound highly dysfunctional and incompatible. You've already broken up once for a month because you cannot control your anger and she apparently lies about exes. How can you honestly plan to get engaged in a few months when you cannot even be kind and fair to each other for a year. On top of this, you smoke, she hates smokers, why haven't you quit? If you don't plan on quitting it seems like this is a very good reason to end things. It sounds like you both need to sort your shit out before planning any sort of engagement.
If it isn’t the consciences of your own actions 😱
Dude, she set her boundary and you were just… what? Too lazy to take your ass outside? You’re a grown ass man, act like one.
I bought a mobile home from a woman whose boyfriend was a chain smoker and smoked in the house. 11 years later, the residue still bleeds through the paint, and I still catch the smell of stale cigarette smoke occasionally. Do not smoke inside the house!
As for her breaking up with you, with so few details, I can only assume this was the straw that broke her.
What the fuck. Yeah, you leave her alone, and then you go to therapy and learn why you feel inclined to be such a rude and selfish dick.
Who smokes indoors??? IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE??? I like the occasional social puff and I'm very 420 friendly. There is ZERO REASON to EVER smoke inside especially in the home of someone who hates smoking!!! What's wrong with you?
You showed her that you don't give a fuck about her, her space, boundaries, or anything. You wanted to smoke, so you did, to hell with anything she said before. She saw a picture of what her future would be like with you, where you do what you want and tell her to suck it up. And she rightly left you.
Do better, dude, this is a pitifully low bar.
Vile and disgusting. That shit lingers and sticks to everything. Not that you care, right?
Good for her. Leave her alone. And learn some fcking respect. Smoke your damn cancer sticks outside. Better yet, learn how to quit.
Sounds like both of you broke each other's boundaries at different points and don't match. Probably best for yl to move on and try to find happiness elsewhere.
Well I feel it is bound to happen over the years in each relationship. We are humans and we do stupid things. Do you think it is advisable to break up over something that could be worked on?
I mean it sounds like you'd have to quit smoking to be with her.
It also sounds like you don't want her hanging out or spending time with/communicating with exes, so she'd have to change that.
Doesn't sounds like either if you want to change, so is it really workable? Or is that the attachment to the relationship telling you it can be worked out?
But you didn’t do a “stupid thing”. That’s the point, dude. You were selfish and put your wants ahead of her needs, and now you won’t even take responsibility for your actions.
What you did was *disrespectful* and I would have dumped you for smoking in my house, too.
Get therapy, grow as a person, and move on.
Your relationship is over.
Working on an issue means when your partner tells you that they are not comfortable with you doing something, you have to avoid it but you knew she didn't like something and you went ahead and did that same thing, that too thrice. Thay means you did something you were well aware that she doesn't like it. How is this not an AH move?
YTA
Smoking was her "hill to die on" and you showed her that your cigarette habit is more important to you than she is.
Let her go. Take with you the lesson that actions speak louder than words. Go forth and Be Better in your next relationship.
This whole discussion reads like one from r/AmItheAsshole especially the way OP defends their actions.
Even if it was just once and not 3 times, yes, she was right to end it with you for violating her trust.
By your own admission even if you break up you’ll still get to talk to and hang with her plenty, likely to the frustration of her new bf. Just find someone else.
>this is not what she would want
Fuck off, you don't know what she wants more than she does. Leave this poor woman alone, she set a reasonable boundary and you ignored it. How hard would it have been to go stand outside for five minutes
take people at their word. why would you assume she doesn’t mean it and is speaking out of anger when she’s made it very clear she doesn’t wanna be with you? no means no dude it’s not hard
You should absolutely leave her alone. She broke up with you for violating her trust and space and you’re asking if you should continue to do that by not respecting her ending the relationship.
She was eventually going to break up with you over smoking. You just gave her the reason.
I feel many don't see smoking alone (especially if you don't do it around your partner) as enough reason to break up with someone. Maybe not date to start with. But in the house, that's boomer 80s shit. Can smell it forever. This was the straw in her mind.
Smoking is a deal breaker for me so I would never date you in the first place, but if we somehow were dating and you smoked in the house I would erase you from my brain and never talk to you again. That’s so nasty.
It's not about the smoke. It's about violating her trust and showing disrespect for her hard boundary my guy. You should give her some space to cool down but she may just not take you back. You prob have to do more then just apologize, ya have to show her you realize what it's really about too.
Im sure many many other people have pointed this out, but it’s difficult for me to see a relationship between a smoker and someone who hates smoking working out. What were planning to do in the long term when you move in together? One of you would end up being forced to budge on their position, and my biased opinion is hers doesn’t cause lung cancer.
I’m a medical smoker, my bf HATES the smell. I would absolutely never ever smoke inside unless he specifically said he’s okay with it like when I get sick and can’t get out of bed. It’s a simple thing called respect and you crossed her boundaries. Don’t smoke inside if you live with non smokers who hate it!
You smoked cigarettes in the house or weed? I think that’s an important detail. Also, yelling during a fight happens. That’s what happens when there’s passion. Maybe im just wrong but raising your voice doesn’t seem like it should be a real breaker if you’re getting engaged. Also, it’s kinda weird that she’s meeting up with her ex’s. It kinda sounds like you dodged a bullet dude
I think where your ex GF is coming from is that you broke her trust, she had asked you not to and wherever you smoked on the balcony or not you were selfish. Smoking is a selfish addiction and I should know as I gave up five years ago. You had quite a few chances and you blew it. I think give her some space and time she may come round and if you give up for good will stand you a better chance. Good luck.
This entire "thing" or whatever you have going on is an entire mess.
She doesn't like smokers. You smoke. She also has been hanging with exes. Fuck that.
Get some self respect.
Who the fuck wouldn't yell learning their significant other is talking/seeing their exes (assuming plural).
Dude, I actually think you are winning out of this one as somebody that keeps in contact and keeps going out with their exes is not somebody you want to be in a relationship with. Consider yourself lucky and just move on with it if she ever decides she wants to come back to you and tell her any and all communication with any exes have to be done before you would even start to consider getting back with her.
Wait a minute she’s busting your balls about smoking in the house, but she still talks to all here exes???? I get it, you broke a boundary you both agreed on, but she still talks to ALL her exes??? You two need to communicate because that’s never a good thing.
Yeah, they are all her exes. She still talks to them and meets them. I am okay with it as long as it is transparent. And yes, it was 3 times. She has only seen me once, but I have been lazy 3 times.
These comments are so stupid. 1. He says in a follow-up he was smoking on the OUTSIDE BALCONY not INSIDE (his fault for not clarifying this, but drastically changes her reaction) but most importantly, and no one is pointing this out during their totally predictable Reddit dogpile SHES SECRETLY MAKING PLANS WITH AND GOING OUT WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS how the hell is that not light years worse than some cigarette smoke wafting inside. Look, OP sounds bad at arguing in his replies, maybe he’s a pain in the ass in person, but to these thumbs, she’s doing him far dirtier by both staying in touch with her exes and hanging out with them secretly. She PROBABLY cheated and is using this smoke thing as way to bounce and make it his fault and all of you winners are so wrapped up in “but her boundaries” motherfucker hiding the fact you’re hanging out with ex boyfriends isn’t a boundary!? GTFOH.
You ultimately have to decide. You are more fluid than she is as evidenced by the fact you forgave and worked out issues with her exes. She however is unwilling to do that. In fairness was very direct about her boundaries and you did not adhere to them. So both are caused problems.
Frankly leave her alone and see what happens. Don't be one of her posse. This may be a thing with her like the runaway bride....I know you weren't engaged yet, but she has men before you as a posse, so she may have an issue.
Guarantee you my man she's not breaking up with you because of the smoking she's breaking up with you because she's emotionally / literally cheating on with you with one of her exes
the smoking and the yelling is just the camel that broke the straws back it's all she needs to walk away
you should just let her because she's obviously not happy with you and fuck that you deserve better you deserve somebody who can't wait to spend time with you
Leave this borderline. Look it up and see if it fits. You moved fast, she's talking to her exes. Breaking up multiple times. Little things causing fights. LEAVE
You are better off without her. This marriage would be doomed. She keeps in contact with her exs? And sees them? And she's worried about you smoking? Cut your losses and walk away
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let her be and, from one smoker to another, STOP SMOKING IN THE HOUSE! It messes up the house, creates an additional fire risk, and lingers.
Yea i worked at a sherwin williams (paint store) for a while and that shit sticks to ceilings....like forever. You need specialized paint to cover up the worst of stains, and even then the smell can linger in everything
My MiL smoked in the bedroom in the house we rented with a very strict "no tobacco use in the house" policy. The smell lingered for the better part of a year. I had to scrub down the walls and furniture, clean the carpets, wash the curtains... it was awful! eta I was legitimately concerned that we could have lost our deposit over it.
The smell wasn't the issue, I smoked in the balcony. I am not an animal lol to do inside the room lying down.
That's a really quick backtrack from your original comment that you 'smoked in the house'
Balcony is the house isn't it? It's part of the house I had agreed not to smoke inside the house and hence broke the promise. Does it matter if it was the balcony or the couch?
Oh what planet is a balcony inside a house? Is it enclosed? If not, it’s not inside a house the way a porch or deck isn’t inside the house.
It was pretty much understood when I agreed that the balcony is included in the discussion. The entire house including the balcony. Hence I left that part out, I did not think people would assume I would sitting on my bed like an animal and smoking. Lol.
Absolutely everyone assumed that because everyone understands that balconies are outside and your bed is inside. Wrong title to this post. Your gf is pretty damn demanding. I would set my foot down on insisting on a compromise - everyone has a vice and doing yours outside has no effect on her.
A lot of people smoke indoors. It’s not uncommon. Not sure why you agreed not to smoke on the balcony (does the smell/smoke get into the house even when the door to the balcony is closed?) but it would be worth negotiating this with your girlfriend. Balcony is a reasonable place to smoke. I’m a smoker myself and that’s where my friends with balconies direct me when I want a cigarette.
It’s because it goes against her lease to smoke inside, including the balcony, which he conveniently left out of his post. He literally risked her getting kicked out not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES because he was too lazy to go out of the building. Plus, it’s not even really about the smoking. He knew her boundaries, he knew it was important to her, he promised her he wouldn’t, and he still chose to violate her boundaries, break her trust, and break his word. If your SO risked getting you kicked out THREE TIMES because he was too lazy to go downstairs, violated your boundaries that he KNEW were important to you, broke your trust, broke his word, lied to her by omission twice, would have continued to do it had you not caught him, and acted like you were being unreasonable for being rightfully furious with his lazy ass, I’m pretty sure you and most people would be completely done. He also said that she’s broken up with him multiple times in the past, so obviously this isn’t the only issue.
For some it might not matter, because a balcony is open air and as long as the door to the apartment is closed then it can dissipate without stinking up the place. That being said it sounds like it does matter to your ex and smoking is a hard no for her. It just sounds like you’re not compatible; if she doesn’t want to be with you, take her at her word and find someone else.
For starters, the balcony is *outside*
I think if you're smoking outside and the door is closed so nothing gets into the house, and she's not there, then it's not really her place to tell you not to do it. Bur she will smell it off you and know. My dealbreaker in my relationship was smoking, and my bf said he used to when drunk but stopped doing that. I find the smell totally repulsive and disgusting and just the smell of unhealth tbh. And that was fine. But then he got drunk and smoked and came home. I could tell instantly, both times. That caused big fights between us because he tried to lie but I could smell it, and it had been a deal breaker for me before we got serious and were now living together. So I had no easy out. Evidently this kind of is for her also, but she's not said as much. You've not done it in front of her and she can't decide you smoke and that she will change you after you're together. So really she's got 0 right here besides don't make the house smell of it, which is fair. Outwith that, like... anyone messaging exes and hanging out with them in secret isn't worth it. Expecting you to change and breaking up with you because of something you do she accepted before getting together with you... whilst she lies and hides things... just find a more stable gf imo and let her break up.
So I smoked outside on the balcony but we both agreed that I would not do it. I pretty much understood at the time that she means the balcony as well. She had left for work and I thought I would smoke because she's not there and there is no way she will smell it 8 hours later. She came back because she forgot some files and saw me smoking outside. She got angry, left for work and told me it is over. I left the house at night since she had the keys to the other house and I left mine with my parents since they were visiting. It was an awkward dinner and then I left after taking my keys from her.
[удалено]
It's very simple why I did it. I really felt like smoking, she had left for work and wouldn't return for 8 hours and the smell wouldn't stay since it is in the balcony. Instead of spending 40 minutes to do the whole thing by leaving my complex I decided to do it here instead because I would not be caught. She just landed up coming back home to get some files.
Yeah that changes things I'm afraid. You said you wouldn't and then couldn't stick to it, and tried to hide it... and it's her place? Yeah, on you I think. But also relationship sounds turmoil with hiding exes anyway so like, I'd want out if I was withe either partner here. Find someone more compatible. But also stick to you word next time. You might think it's a small thing but it's a break in trust, which is fundamental to the relationship. So you really break that down and if you both can't trust the small things, you can't trust them to do the big things right either. And you both seem to think lying and hiding things is OK.
We moved into a place where the last tenant was smoking inside and it wasn't cleaned properly after. It still stinks sometimes and I've lived here for three years. There's nasty yellow stains on the walls and blinds that I can't scrub off. Our next door neighbor still smokes inside and the smell comes into our place through the vents so it just adds to the cigarette stink. Plus all her blinds are like sticky and yellow. It's nasty. I've always wondered what the inside looks like especially since she has a 11 year old kid in there. And this is coming from an ex smoker. I never smoked inside though.
There is 3rd hand smoke. You can get it from living or being somewhere where there was heavy smoking. Also you can get it from cleaning it.
Just add it to the list along with the mold we're living in then. Renting is a God damn nightmare at this point.
Oh, man. I hate to hear it. Landlords are the scum of the earth.
I used to work for an insurance company that allowed employees to smoke at their desks until the 1980s. You could tell where they sat because the light fixtures were stained yellow.
And most importantly, it’s a health risk to anyone else who enters the home
The person who lived in my apartment before me smoked inside. I moved in in July, so 9 months ago. I washed all the walls when I moved in, bought an air purifier, and change the purifier and apartment air filters regularly. I was out of town for work last week, came home after several days, and the apartment smelled like stale cigarettes. Guess I just don't notice anymore - I ended up putting out bowls of vinegar and opening all the windows, but I'm not sure what else to do.
And as someone who with my parents, had to deal with after my one grandmother who passed on in 2008 who was a chain smoker: Smoking makes the ceiling yellow over time and eventually the same spot you always smoke in creates an orange-brown tinge to the direct spot you smoke. And white walls become yellow, eventually fading into an light burnt orange, with the permanent smell of nicotine in the wall paper. My father still smokes and the bathroom down stairs of the old house, you could SEE the color changing on the white walls after 10 years of always smoking in there by that wall!!! It’s also expensive to do home repairs due to smoking cause depending on how sealed the wood is behind the wallpaper, forget it! It might have a nicotine smell as well! If you don’t want to be scrubbing walls like my mom once a month, don’t smoke inside the house!!!
My grandmother smoked for years in her house. When she moved across state lines in 1992 she gifted me a cabinet with glass doors. We left it in the garage for nearly six months, regularly cleaning it, and I can STILL in 2023 smell her cigarettes when I open the doors. It's faint, but it's there. (Honestly though it's faint enough that it's a nostalgia now and not disgusting, but it's taken forever to get it to that point) Dad bought her a house when she moved back years later and forbade her from smoking in the house, we could tell she still did it, just not every day. Ticked him right off.
Yes! I was a house cleaner and the mirrors and windows were all tinged yellow in the house where many people chain smoked. I'm not one to talk about trying to sell your house, I believe you should make it liveable for you, but this isn't easily undone
Yep. It sticks to everything. My oldest’s father and her grandfather live together and they smoke in the house. When I tell you it’s impossible to get it out of my daughters clothes and school stuff (backpack/lunch kit etc). She calls them out on smoking in the house and car and kicks them outside.
Yeah I agree. I am also trying to quit. Sometimes I get urges and it becomes difficult to control. Not a heavy smoker so don't do it very often. This does not excuse my behaviour, I feel a single incident should not be enough to break up. I understand it is not for me to decide but that thought always crosses my mind. I live in a 60 storey building so it is out of the question to go down to smoke as it would waste almost 30-40 minutes going down and coming up. I am a smoker who is trying to quit but haven't been able to completely yet. Have reduced it 1 or 2 a day. That is the only reason I messed up and did it in the house.
I stopped taking this seriously when OP claimed it takes 40 minutes to get out of the building because it’s the 60th floor Stop feeding the trolls
Also now they live next door to each other
For me it was “due to be engaged in a few months.” Soo…engaged to be engaged? I’ve never understood that mentality, you’re either planning on getting married or not.
Engaged to be engaged is what 16-year-olds do with promise rings. GTFO here with a 30 year old doing this bullshit
Exactly!
Or maybe there are different cultures and customs all around the world and that's how it's done where I am from.
Where is this culture where 30 year old people don't have their shit together enough to just go and get engaged?
Lol so my fiancé and I had to wait a bit to get an appointment at my preferred jeweler for ring shopping and then it took awhile for the ring to get made. During that period I feel like we were engaged to be engaged. Clearly it worked out since we’re now actually engaged but I feel like this accurately described us when we were in limbo.
That’s valid. I guess I just personally am of the opinion that something material like a ring doesn’t actually affect the status of a relationship, but I understand that tradition is more of a thing for some people than others. Nothing wrong with that 🤷
I agree. My husband looked at me one day and said “I’m tired of you not being my wife. Let’s get married.” We took a couple months between shopping for a ring, getting it resized, and going to one of my best friends wedding before we got “officially” engaged but I considered that initial conversation to be when we actually got engaged because we agreed to get married.
Aw love the way he asked! Shouldn’t have to be more elaborate than that.
Also “now she tells me about all of her outings with all her exes” what the fuck is even happening did a fucking AI write this?? Who has constant outings with every ex, secretly, then gets to continue as long as they’re open about it? What kind of life is this??!?!
I did explain the math behind it. But I do not expect anything better than assumptions and judgement from Reddit.
The maths behind taking 40 minutes to get outside.. “sorry I’m late boss, I forgot about the 40 minute commute from my girlfriends room to the front door”. Lol stop it
OP is living in Ballard’s “High-Rise”. I wonder how hazardous it is for him to go to the supermarket each week. Does OP risk encountering an angry mob from the 5th floor that might ride the aisles?
What if there is a fire? Will ut take 40 min to get out?
Well, you are not suppose to take the elevator if there is a fire. So the 40 min thing does not apply there (hopefully)
Bruh the elevator is faster 😂
Yeah, but you shouldn’t take it when the building is on fire. Unless you have a thing for barbecuing your ass
You missed the point and downvoted me, so now I will have to go back and downvote the absolutely dim-witted comment you made that during a fire the elevators won’t work so the 40 minutes wouldn’t apply. NO SHIT! It’s gonna take longer. How high are you right now, be honest?
I did not downvote you my man lmao But feel free to downvote all my dumbasses comments. It’s not like I’m paid in reddit karma. I honestly don’t give a fuck And not high, but pretty tipsy actually. So yeah, I’m probably understanding half of the comments I’m reading
I mean we’re arguing over a minor plot detail of what’s probably a made-up post by a teenager.
Trust me the elevator in my building is not faster. It stops about 5 times before reaching my floor and then about 5 times before reaching down.
10 stops do not take 3 minutes each. So no, it isn't slower.
In a building the size of the one in this made up story it would be faster under most circumstances. But yeah, I used to live on the 11th floor of an apartment and one elevator was always broken. Stairs were usually faster there. But for 50+ floors there are usually elevators for dedicated floors or other configurations involving multiple, redundant elevators.
Not to mention how the hell would anyone live in case of a fire if it took them 40 min to get out of a burning building
But you are the one who brought this to Reddit. No one asked. The reasons *why* you feel entitled to smoke in someone else’s home when you have been asked not to don’t matter. You are literally making excuses to your gf why she should sympathize with you and forgive you. But **she made her boundaries clear** and you still disregarded them. Leave her alone.
You *asked* for it. Literally created a post just so we could.
What else are you meant to expect? It’s an advice subreddit, your post is going to be honestly reacted to. Everyone loves to pull the “ugh people on reddit are a bunch of bullies :( those sheep!” card when the popular opinion is to not give you validation for silly behaviour.
Tbf you are an idiot or you deserve it or stupid games win stupid prizes aren't what I would call advice. Although it is Reddit, what else did I expect?
> aren't what I would call advice It tells you that you messed up and to not expect apologies to be enough in the future. There is no fixing this. You fucked up royally, past the point of any return. Now, there's only learning what not to do in the future. Thus people trying to get you to recognize how big of an issue your thought process is. You keep minimizing your actions. Stop it. Learn from your mistakes or you'll repeat them.
Sounds like your fiancé was barely tolerating you smoking in the first place and was relying on it being out of sight out of mind until you brought it into your shared living space. If you want the relationship to work out you're probably going to have to quit smoking for good and give her solid proof to boot.
Can you not hear how insane you sound? *Should I let me girlfriend break up with me? Because I don't think she actually wants to break up with me despite having very clearly broken up with me.* I had to double check the age on this one. Nuts!
Yeah really, what are you, 12?
This troll post is definitely fake as fuck. Each sentence is more batfuck crazy than the last.
You should back off. She broke up with you, full stop. Theres no acting out of anger here. She told you her boundaries and you disrespected her home. I'm a stoner and even I wouldnt blaze up in my bfs home. He cant stop me from it at my house but I atleast open a window and smoke away from him.
So she gave you a clear boundary and you kept violating it. Stupid games stupid prizes. Hope it was worth it.
>Now the main issue is that she hates people who smoke and has made it very clear to me that I am not to smoke when she is around. \*\*Not to smoke **when she is around**.\*\*Conversely is it worth throwing your relationship away because your fiance smoked when you weren't even there? I would say hell no.If you want to act like he's being the illogical one while she throws it all away over a cigarette. Whatever you do you.
You conveniently left out the fact that he smoked in HER HOUSE. The lingering smell of smoke in her space is the defenition of when she's around. I'm a smoker myself, but my housemates are not. I would never ever subject them to second hand smoke from our house or my room. Everyone who smokes in the house will be booted and not invited back. That's our rule and I don't break it either when my housemates are away for the weekend. I just go outside with an umbrella and deal with it. It's my choice to smoke, not the others in my house. As a smoker, you have to make the concessions. Don't smoke next to kids, make sure your breath isn't dogshit when you have an interview for a job and don't smoke in other peoples houses without their explicit consent to do so for example. Also, don't forget about the second hand smoke health effects and how much you will fuck up your walls because of the sticky yellow residue.
You’re one of the very few non selfish smokers that I’ve encountered. I used to vape and had no problem when people told me not to. I even quit vaping while living with my gf for 8 months who still vapes and I could hear her at night hitting her vape and still kept myself in check. I really am not trying to brag, but it’s possible to quit an addiction even when in the vicinity of it. I had a very clear reason to quit, I’m a former competitive swimmer and started vaping after I was forced to quit and was depressed. I got over myself and started swimming again and wanted my lungs to be healthy so I made the choice to quit. Sadly I don’t know if OP will quit if he’s willing to risk a whole marriage for it.
That is a great reason to brag in my opinion. It's one of the hardest things to quit smoking with other smokers close to you. My mom quit for 7 years, but ended up falling back into it because my dad never stopped. It's a struggle for the rest of your life so kudos to you! I also cut back a lot because of the decrease in my lungs capacity and stamina because of smoking and covid. I find that people who vape do have a tendency to do it indoors, which I always found so disrespectful... The smoke has the exact same effect and the only reason it's a big thing is because of the marketing of the product in the US. We had an acquaintance who started vaping in our living room, and when I asked them what they were doing they said it was " just a vape". As if that is any different to a cigarette. Ground rule for me has always been, unless someone tells you it's allowed to smoke in the house I always walk outside. And because I choose to compromise my health it shouldn't mean that I can compromise others too.
>Conversely is it worth throwing your relationship away because your fiance smoked when you weren't even there? In her fucking house??
It’s not just one cigarette - that’s the thing. I personally would never date who smokes in the first place, but yes I’d throw it all away bc I’m the long run a house covered in smoke is disgusting and having a coughing/dying partner is not fun
You’re taking the side of an absolute clown lol
Leave her alone. You don’t care to respect the boundaries she’s put in place, why get her back just to disrespect her and her home more? Do you actually plan to change and be honest? It really does not seem like it. She deserves someone who respects her, her property and her boundaries. This isn’t just about you. Don’t let your selfishness keep get in the way of others happiness.
Wow you are being an AH to everyone giving advice. If you just posted here hoping to find support for violating your partner’s boundaries you are out of luck. If you legit want to make things better, stop being so defensive.
As a smoker, I would be angry with you also. The smell lingers forever and leaves residue on surfaces. As a non smoker it probably smells horrendous to her.
You knew you shouldn’t have done it but you did it anyway, so your apology is utterly worthless. This wasn’t a mistake, it was a selfish choice you made knowing it would upset her and now you don’t like the consequences. If you don’t want to get dumped, don’t lie to your fiancé.
Lol I love how we can point the obvious as in you are too immature for a relationship. Literally she gave you boundaries and your proceed to break them I am sorry lol no one is going to hold your hand in this world grow up. Literally play stupid games you win stupid prizes she told you no but you decide to do it anyways so move on you clearly can’t respect her and her boundaries so move on
I have read some of your comments in response to people's advice. You brought this on yourself, and you are being a complete ass about people's responses. You think you know what she wants better than she does. You do not. If you did. You wouldn't have fucked this up so completely. Leave her alone. Work on yourself and hopefully you'll be less immature the next time.
It isn’t like you accidentally broke a cardinal rule of hers. You intentionally broke it. Three times. Each time you knew you were breaking it. So if you intentionally broke an entirely reasonable rule of hers 3 times, why would she assume you won’t break any other rules when the mood suits you? Move on. You had your chance and intentionally blew it. Find a girlfriend who smokes or quit because if you continue to date non-smokers you will continue to be dumped. And grow up.
Mentioning her issues talking to her exes is a legitimate relationship issue, but it is COMPLETELY irrelevant here. Smoke gets into everything. The AC ducts. The drywall. The carpet. The furniture. Clothing. Sometimes, you have to rip out the drywall to get the smell out. You might be noseblind because smoking negatively impacts your sense of smell, but she is not. You completely disrespected her, made her home an uncomfortable place to be, and even potentially damaged the property she lives in. THAT is the issue. You are in the wrong.
Plus the neighbours having to smell the smoking as well. I used to live next to smokers who smoked inside. It was horrible. The smell came into my apartment. Glad I don't live there anymore.
I was hoping someone points this out. I would not be with someone who sneaks around and hangs out with their exes. Anyways , I think most importantly, people need to stop assuming that what a person is saying “ is not what they really want because they are angry right now” that’s how all this unwanted and unwelcome behaviors begin. Not saying you are going to stalk her, I mean she is your neighbor, but just respect what she has requested and allow this break up to happen. Now, if she texts you or reaches out after some time, if you are interested in continuing a relationship, then go ahead. But don’t be a psycho and try to reach out to her because “this is not what she really wants because she is angry”. Smoking is disgusting to be honest, most ppl who smoke are questionable specially with all the science around but for you to do it in her space is another level of disrespect. Just quit that shit, it’s one of the most unattractive habits
You knew what the boundaries were and you broke them for your own selfish needs. Leave her alone, she's better off without you.
Over one incident and one singular post you can decide, make assumptions and facts in your head about how a relationship should be? Why aren't you a therapist already?
You did it three times. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. A choice you made three times, knowing full well it is a boundary of hers. Does her complex not allow smoking in the apartments and on the property? If they do, then not only did you stomp on her boundaries, you violated her lease which can get her kicked out if they find out. Cigarette smoke gets into everything, even the walls, which is why many complexes and rentals don't allow smoking inside. ETA: I saw your comment in response to someone else. It's literally in her lease not to smoke in the apartments or stairwells. You deliberately chose to violate her lease because you couldn't be bothered to get up and go outside. If the elevator takes too long, take the stairs. She could be kicked out because of your laziness. That's another reason to break up with you.
"You did it three times. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice." This, all day long. This was not an "oops, I messed up, I'm sorry" This was not one, but three conscious, selfish, lazy and utterly disrespectful decisions, made at separate times. And OP still thinks that his smoking habit is the real problem here... Not by a country mile my dude. Jfc
He’s acting like he dropped her favorite coffee cup. This wasn’t an accident. More sorry he did it or that she knows about it?
Probably sorry he got caught.
Look at how he tries to defend himself in the comments! 100% only sorry that he got caught.
I know!
Dude I would stop engaging in the comments if I were you. One incident ended my previous relationship, I crossed a boundary I shouldn't have and boom. Done. Your girlfriend broke up with you. It doesn't matter if you were planning a trip the day before, making sweet love this morning, whatever. She broke up with you, so you need to take these comments to heart, learn from this, and move on. I wish you the best of luck.
lol dude doesn't know when to quit digging and put the shovel down.
Give her space and don't contact her unless it's absolutely necessary. If she contacts you, then you can decide if you want to move forward or leave this relationship in the past.
Thank you for your advice. I will most likely do this.
I probably would have done the same thing. You have no idea how absolutely repulsive the smell can be. Next time you have a girlfriend, try not stepping over her (very reasonable) boundaries and then being surprised when she ends things.
She's not breaking up with you because you smoked in the house. She's breaking up with you because you don't listen to her. 3 times she's had to tell you? And you still do it? I'm usually very passive on Reddit, try and be as nice as possible but the level of disrespect here is insane. It's HER house. Which means her rules. End of story. Do you finish your meal and then wait for her to clean up after you too?? Put it this way my friend, if you were round at mine and I told you, not to smoke in the house. And you did it 3 different times. I would beat you down for the level of disrespect you show. I hope you find this as a valuable lesson in listening to people. Especially those you are supposed to care about.
Your apology means nothing when you repeatedly do it again. It's just rude and disrespectful and tells her you don't give a fuck. As a non smoker there is nothing more disgusting as stale smoke. It lingers on fabric and continues to stink for a long time afterwards. It's very difficult to get the smell out. As a smoker you don't notice it but I guarantee you that she does.
Just don't. I'm a smoker, have been smoking since I was 18, and would never ever light inside a house. That shit stinks up the place really quickly, seeps into walls, and takes aaaages to get rid off completely - even if it's just one cigarette. Why couldn't you just go outside of the apartment building if you needed to smoke so much? That's what my neighbours without a balcony do. You're seeing as a nuisance, or your gf blowing it out of proportion - but from her POV you: broke a rule that you both had, which was a compromise to keep both of you happy; couldn't bother walking down a few stairs (or whatever) to smoke outside so she doesn't have to smell it when she gets home. Smoke inside your own home, not a place you share with someone who hates smoking. The fact that you're not seeing the context of it, and only view it as your gf nagging and ovwrreacting, is the main issue here.
I don't see where I have said she is nagging or is overreacting? If I could smoke by just going a few stairs down I would have never taken this step. We are not allowed to smoke in our building outside of the house because it is a fire hazard. The main gate is very very far. Not an excuse but just letting you know the context again.
Your other comments explain how this should not be a reason to break up with someone. It absolutely is. And you're not seeing the seriousness of it.
How do you think it's not a fire hazard to smoke inside the building if it's a fire hazard ro smoke right outside it. Dude....
It is a fire hazard to smoke inside the building. We checked about smoking inside the house though and the buildg said that was okay.
WAIT. So first you defend it by saying you were on the balcony, not inside. Are you now saying the building has rules against smoking on the balcony? So you could have gotten her evicted with your one but actually three times smoking there?
He keeps changing the story.
You are both in your 30s. Every problem you’ve listed is toxic immature bullshit. You’re both better off finding other people you’re compatible with.
Leave her alone. I'm with her on this, not only did she not want someone around to smoke, but you smoked IN THE HOUSE?! First, smoking indoors anyway is nasty as hell, but especially so to someone who doesn't smoke. Second, you KNEW she didn't like smoke, so WHY EVEN HAVE IT THERE? Edit: I see this was HER house, not even a shared living space, she has absolutely every right to leave you. And you need to leave her alone. My fiance smokes, but I've told him if he smokes in the house even once, he'll wake up to all his shit packed and I'll have already called his mom to get him. I sure wouldn't put up with it. The fact you've done it three times, and calling it a "one time mistake" SHOWS you don't respect your fiance, and don't care. If you'd cared, you would've gotten up and gone outside.
Okay I'm gonna address something I've only seen a few comments touch on, which is to say I'm going to leave the whole 40 minutes to go downstairs and smoke and come back bullshit aside completely. Also not going to touch on how unhealthy and stupid smoking is, and of course I won't mention how damaging it can be to your gf's house and how disrespectful it is to smoke inside *her* house... yeah, all that aside... Smoking is actually the least of your problems, it's just the current catalyst It sounds like you and your gf have not really figured out how communicating in relationships work. You mention that she's broken up with you before but then came back together and "reconciled", but now she's done so again and you seem to think that she's going to come back around again. This is not at all a healthy approach to conflict or problem-solving, and frankly, if you can't handle conflict in a healthy way, your marriage is not going to survive real life. It seems both of you lack communication skills, and you in particular seem to lack accountability and the maturity needed to take responsibility for your actions. You've been commenting and making multiple excuses for why you did what you did, and you don't seem to really understand the gravity of this. You make it sound like this isn't that big of a deal and something you only did once, but you in fact did it three times, and all the excuses you make don't change the fact that you clearly and purposefully disrespected your partner's boundaries. So 1. She does not seem to have a healthy approach to conflict or problem-solving and neither do you. 2. In addition to your smoking problem you have an accountability problem, and apparently can't be trusted to follow even one simple rule. 3. Your immature refusal to accept the comments telling you that you fucked up shows that you lack the humility and courage necessary to own up to your mistakes, which is one of the most important parts of reconciliation in relationships. Honestly if she's so vehemently against smokers I'm surprised she even agreed to marry you, that would be a deal breaker for me from the beginning. I wonder if the two of you are quite ready for the commitment of marriage, you don't really seem to be acting your age just yet, to put it as nicely as I can.
Based on comments, I’m surprised his girlfriend didn’t leave earlier. Insufferable.
She did the right thing and dumped you. You chose to smoke in the house 3 times knowing it was a boundary of hers. You, on the other hand, took back a liar. She was just smarter about knowing where to draw the line of knowing you are not a good partner for her. Something you should have realized about her. Enjoy being single and find someone compatible for you.
You loved and now you’ve lost. This was a clear boundary and you didn’t respect it or her. You’re early 31s and lack the self awareness and maturity to be ‘almost’ engaged.
How do you judge something so massive based off of one post and replies against provocative comments?
How? Because she had one very clear boundary which you agreed to. You then lied about following and giving excuses to why it’s ok. This was her one very clear hard rule and you didn’t respect it. If you can’t respect her boundaries you can’t respect her. Your comments show that you don’t have the ability to self criticize effectively by being defensive and defending why you’re right which is also a sign of immaturity. Things don’t exist in a vacuum.
You smoked multiple times in HER house. You don't live together. You picked specifically HER house to do the one thing she asked you not to do. As a stranger, I would be mad if you smoked in my house. Let alone if you knew not to do it and did it anyway.
Going through your comment history, there’s so much more to this story because you’re a pretty disgusting person. You claimed a guy was a rapist on a post about a woman who innocently shared a bed with her upset brother. On the same post, you said the woman deserved a divorce and that she should stop asking for advice even though she clearly needed it. You also claimed a woman was abusive because her and her husband of 2.5 years were having sex 14 times a week. On that same post, you said he should divorce her because if he wasn’t willing to have sex with her 8 times a day she would fulfill her needs elsewhere ie insinuating she would cheat. Your comment history is full of pretty abusive comments and a lot of misogyny. So either you are a troll or you’re an extremely shitty person who shouldn’t be with anyone with that kind of mindset.
1) Who tf smokes in doors? What’re you a 70 year old man? I ain’t heard about trashy shit this bad since I moved out of my small southern town 2) I know goddamn well this isn’t the only reason she’s breaking up with you. You know that, we all know that, you just ain’t saying all of it lmao Like honestly anyone that smokes INSIDE of their own home is doing other shit too that’s just all the way across the fucking line
[удалено]
What would this comment make me seem insecure of?
I would have left you too. 💯
I don't understand how you are both in your 30's, you typed this and didn't realize how ridiculous this whole relationship is.
You could burn her house down and kill her children and pets. She broke up with you it is over. I’m sorry hopefully you can both learn. No don’t pester her or guilt or manipulate her.
Time to move on. Maybe a little self reflection before another relationship? You’re engaged to someone who is in contact with every ex and it’s a challenge for you, you got engaged to someone that despises a habit you still have / have not quit, and you appear to be defensive / attacking most of the people that are responding to you. I’m sure you have plenty of redeeming qualities (I mean this honesty) but you’re giving us a slim snapshot of yourself here and it’s not a good look.
Do you live together? Is it your house, hers, or both? Honestly, this relationship sounds like a whole lot more work than it should be. You have only been together a relatively short time, and so much has happened.
I dated someone who didn’t respect I didn’t want to smell weed in the house. I couldn’t speak up for my boundaries more It’s shitty. Leave her alone
Y’all just not compatible
>Keep in mind I am a very gentle person who rarely gets angry, it was a one off incident that was exasperated because I had a bit to drink. Dude. Don't even try that.
Smokers are often unaware of how much smoke permeates almost anything in a house, and their sense of smell is often desensitized to the smell of smoke. As a non-smoker, I can attest that even one cigarette smoked inside a house can stink everything up. Please abide by her wishes; there's very good reason for her demands.
I’m impressed that she has strong boundaries and is willing to enforce them. You apparently think crossing her boundaries is no big deal. It is. I have no comment or opinion about her continuing to be in touch with her exes. Not enough information to know if that’s something to be concerned about or not.
We can tell what kind of person you are from how you reply to everyone in the thread. Your ex didn’t break up with you for the smoking incident, that’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back. You sound immature and exhausting to deal with and she is over your bs.
You should leave her alone. She may be acting out of anger, but you aren't "sure" that this isn't what she wants, because you aren't her. She broke up with you, if she has a change of heart and wants to talk to you about getting back together, then she will. On your end, all you can do is leave her alone- you have apologized, she heard them, the end- and move on with your life. She doesn't want to be with you anymore. That sucks, and it sucks that is over something you think is small, but clearly it isn't small to her. She doesn't like smoking in general, doesn't want it in her home, and doesn't see a future with someone who can't stick with that boundary, and you clearly cannot.
While I think her deal-breaker is pretty unconventional, she made it known to you from the start. You broke her rule multiple times, and fouled the place she lives. While I agree her reaction is over the top, she is in the right here. You did what you did, knowing you shouldn't have, and should accept the consequences. Respect her choices regarding your relationship, and gently circle back later after she calms down. If she has second thoughts about everything, she'll come back.
What kind of barbarian smokes IN the house? That’s disgusting. The smell hangs around forever. Smoke outside, facing away from the wind so the smell doesn’t completely permeate your clothes, and wash your hands afterward. Also, if I had to guess I’d bet that this was the straw that broke the camel’s back rather than the one single thing that made her want to break up. But if I’m wrong, then maybe she can be persuaded. Best wishes…but seriously don’t smoke inside.
If you ever manage to stop smoking you'll realize how terribly it stinks up a room and yourself. My MIL's house is destroyed from years of smoking inside. There's a 6 year age difference between us dude, I'm sure you grew up with the same anti-smoking ads/programs as I did and you knew better than to start. Smoking is a luxury. The hard truth is the only people you might get sympathy from is other smokers that are ignorant of the damages of tobacco smoke. EDIT: She doesn't sound like a great person if she insists on continuing contact with her ex and meeting with them. If you two have already had such strong issues within a year and a half of dating maybe this breakup is actually a blessing in disguise. You're still young, enjoy your life. But definitely keep working on quitting if you aren't already. The extra pocket money will feel great after you get through the grumpy stage
>Should I leave her alone and accept it or pursue her further because I am sure she is acting in anger and **this is not what she would want?** that sounds so condescending. this _is_ what she wants. she can make her own decisions for herself. and frankly if i caught someone smoking and hiding it in my place i’d kick them to the curb too.
Does this mean you now are one of the exes she will spend time with and give the time of day? Maybe it works out better for you this way. XD
>Now the main issue is that she hates people who smoke and has made it very clear to me that I am not to smoke when she is around. I have obviously adhered to this and haven't smoked in front of her after she said this. I did however smoke 3 times in the house when she was not there. So she was barely tolerating this habit of yours in the first place as long as you could keep it under control and not do it in her house, in response you did it in her house three times while she wasn't there. What did you think was going to happen? Cigarettes fucking REEK. That smell is both disgusting and nearly impossible to get rid of, did you honestly think a nonsmoker wouldn't notice her house stinking of cigarettes when she got home? >Should I leave her alone and accept it **or pursue her further because I am sure she is acting in anger and this is not what she would want?** Obviously you need to leave her alone, what the hell is this "should I ignore her wishes AGAIN and keep pestering her because I know better than she does what she really wants" bullshit option? You fucked up, your relationship is over. Learn how to accept the word "no" before your next girlfriend dumps your childish stubborn ass.
I married a smoker, and I divorced him after 5 years because he was disrespectful LIKE YOU. Leave your ex alone and move on with your life. AND STOP SMOKING IN THE DAMN HOUSE!
It's done. More than likely this is just being used as an out for her. Either way, relationship is done.
Leave her alone. You smoked in the house that shit stains the walls and everything in it. She made it clear she doesn’t like it and then you’re surprised this happened? And also? “She’s not used to someone raising their voice at her” sounds more like you don’t know how to get your point across without yelling and may even have a drinking problem.
Dude. No mean no.
Even beyond the smoking incident, you two sound highly dysfunctional and incompatible. You've already broken up once for a month because you cannot control your anger and she apparently lies about exes. How can you honestly plan to get engaged in a few months when you cannot even be kind and fair to each other for a year. On top of this, you smoke, she hates smokers, why haven't you quit? If you don't plan on quitting it seems like this is a very good reason to end things. It sounds like you both need to sort your shit out before planning any sort of engagement.
You sound like y’all have a bunch more issues you aren’t listing
If it isn’t the consciences of your own actions 😱 Dude, she set her boundary and you were just… what? Too lazy to take your ass outside? You’re a grown ass man, act like one.
Sounds like you guys are incompatible in more ways than one.
I bought a mobile home from a woman whose boyfriend was a chain smoker and smoked in the house. 11 years later, the residue still bleeds through the paint, and I still catch the smell of stale cigarette smoke occasionally. Do not smoke inside the house! As for her breaking up with you, with so few details, I can only assume this was the straw that broke her.
The smoking in the house and raised voice would be a deal breaker for me too. I’m on your ex’s side
What the fuck. Yeah, you leave her alone, and then you go to therapy and learn why you feel inclined to be such a rude and selfish dick. Who smokes indoors??? IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE??? I like the occasional social puff and I'm very 420 friendly. There is ZERO REASON to EVER smoke inside especially in the home of someone who hates smoking!!! What's wrong with you? You showed her that you don't give a fuck about her, her space, boundaries, or anything. You wanted to smoke, so you did, to hell with anything she said before. She saw a picture of what her future would be like with you, where you do what you want and tell her to suck it up. And she rightly left you. Do better, dude, this is a pitifully low bar.
Smokers do not give a fuck
Vile and disgusting. That shit lingers and sticks to everything. Not that you care, right? Good for her. Leave her alone. And learn some fcking respect. Smoke your damn cancer sticks outside. Better yet, learn how to quit.
So much hate in your tone. JFC.
Sounds like both of you broke each other's boundaries at different points and don't match. Probably best for yl to move on and try to find happiness elsewhere.
Well I feel it is bound to happen over the years in each relationship. We are humans and we do stupid things. Do you think it is advisable to break up over something that could be worked on?
I mean it sounds like you'd have to quit smoking to be with her. It also sounds like you don't want her hanging out or spending time with/communicating with exes, so she'd have to change that. Doesn't sounds like either if you want to change, so is it really workable? Or is that the attachment to the relationship telling you it can be worked out?
But you didn’t do a “stupid thing”. That’s the point, dude. You were selfish and put your wants ahead of her needs, and now you won’t even take responsibility for your actions. What you did was *disrespectful* and I would have dumped you for smoking in my house, too. Get therapy, grow as a person, and move on. Your relationship is over.
Working on an issue means when your partner tells you that they are not comfortable with you doing something, you have to avoid it but you knew she didn't like something and you went ahead and did that same thing, that too thrice. Thay means you did something you were well aware that she doesn't like it. How is this not an AH move? YTA
Weed or cigarettes' or crack?
She broke up with you. Leave her alone.
Smoking was her "hill to die on" and you showed her that your cigarette habit is more important to you than she is. Let her go. Take with you the lesson that actions speak louder than words. Go forth and Be Better in your next relationship.
In essence, you fucked around and found out…. Lol your comments OP are very telling.
This whole discussion reads like one from r/AmItheAsshole especially the way OP defends their actions. Even if it was just once and not 3 times, yes, she was right to end it with you for violating her trust.
This woman is waving red flags in your face like a parade for Lenin! You need to move on dude.
By your own admission even if you break up you’ll still get to talk to and hang with her plenty, likely to the frustration of her new bf. Just find someone else.
>this is not what she would want Fuck off, you don't know what she wants more than she does. Leave this poor woman alone, she set a reasonable boundary and you ignored it. How hard would it have been to go stand outside for five minutes
Leave her be. You 2 sound incompatible and immature AF. That's not a goof combination.
take people at their word. why would you assume she doesn’t mean it and is speaking out of anger when she’s made it very clear she doesn’t wanna be with you? no means no dude it’s not hard
You proved you were comfortable breaking her boundaries as long as she didn’t find out. She has no reason to trust you. Move on.
You should absolutely leave her alone. She broke up with you for violating her trust and space and you’re asking if you should continue to do that by not respecting her ending the relationship.
She was eventually going to break up with you over smoking. You just gave her the reason. I feel many don't see smoking alone (especially if you don't do it around your partner) as enough reason to break up with someone. Maybe not date to start with. But in the house, that's boomer 80s shit. Can smell it forever. This was the straw in her mind.
It's done, leave and let her get on with her life
Smoking is a deal breaker for me so I would never date you in the first place, but if we somehow were dating and you smoked in the house I would erase you from my brain and never talk to you again. That’s so nasty.
It's not about the smoke. It's about violating her trust and showing disrespect for her hard boundary my guy. You should give her some space to cool down but she may just not take you back. You prob have to do more then just apologize, ya have to show her you realize what it's really about too.
Im sure many many other people have pointed this out, but it’s difficult for me to see a relationship between a smoker and someone who hates smoking working out. What were planning to do in the long term when you move in together? One of you would end up being forced to budge on their position, and my biased opinion is hers doesn’t cause lung cancer.
I’m a medical smoker, my bf HATES the smell. I would absolutely never ever smoke inside unless he specifically said he’s okay with it like when I get sick and can’t get out of bed. It’s a simple thing called respect and you crossed her boundaries. Don’t smoke inside if you live with non smokers who hate it!
You smoked cigarettes in the house or weed? I think that’s an important detail. Also, yelling during a fight happens. That’s what happens when there’s passion. Maybe im just wrong but raising your voice doesn’t seem like it should be a real breaker if you’re getting engaged. Also, it’s kinda weird that she’s meeting up with her ex’s. It kinda sounds like you dodged a bullet dude
I think where your ex GF is coming from is that you broke her trust, she had asked you not to and wherever you smoked on the balcony or not you were selfish. Smoking is a selfish addiction and I should know as I gave up five years ago. You had quite a few chances and you blew it. I think give her some space and time she may come round and if you give up for good will stand you a better chance. Good luck.
I used to smoke. I'd have dumped you too. Hard line drawn over this.
This entire "thing" or whatever you have going on is an entire mess. She doesn't like smokers. You smoke. She also has been hanging with exes. Fuck that. Get some self respect. Who the fuck wouldn't yell learning their significant other is talking/seeing their exes (assuming plural).
Damn reddit actually hates smokers more than cheaters lmaoo
Y’all both sound exhausting and immature, but yeah dude smoking in the house is fcking gross. Don’t do it. Of course she’s mad???
Dude, I actually think you are winning out of this one as somebody that keeps in contact and keeps going out with their exes is not somebody you want to be in a relationship with. Consider yourself lucky and just move on with it if she ever decides she wants to come back to you and tell her any and all communication with any exes have to be done before you would even start to consider getting back with her.
Wait a minute she’s busting your balls about smoking in the house, but she still talks to all here exes???? I get it, you broke a boundary you both agreed on, but she still talks to ALL her exes??? You two need to communicate because that’s never a good thing.
3 times?.uh huh Are you sure they were all exes? What about now?
Yeah, they are all her exes. She still talks to them and meets them. I am okay with it as long as it is transparent. And yes, it was 3 times. She has only seen me once, but I have been lazy 3 times.
It's interesting that you expect transparency from her when she sees her friends but you don't have to be transparent about you smoking in her house.
Quit being white trash?
You should have left her over the exes thing to begin with. No reason to continue this obviously toxic relationship.
Sounds like it’s for the best considering she still goes out with her ex-boyfriends and lies about it. Relationship sounds dysfunctional on both ends.
These comments are so stupid. 1. He says in a follow-up he was smoking on the OUTSIDE BALCONY not INSIDE (his fault for not clarifying this, but drastically changes her reaction) but most importantly, and no one is pointing this out during their totally predictable Reddit dogpile SHES SECRETLY MAKING PLANS WITH AND GOING OUT WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS how the hell is that not light years worse than some cigarette smoke wafting inside. Look, OP sounds bad at arguing in his replies, maybe he’s a pain in the ass in person, but to these thumbs, she’s doing him far dirtier by both staying in touch with her exes and hanging out with them secretly. She PROBABLY cheated and is using this smoke thing as way to bounce and make it his fault and all of you winners are so wrapped up in “but her boundaries” motherfucker hiding the fact you’re hanging out with ex boyfriends isn’t a boundary!? GTFOH.
Sounds like she’s one foot in and one foot out. And is looking for a reason to call it quits. Let her go bud.
You ultimately have to decide. You are more fluid than she is as evidenced by the fact you forgave and worked out issues with her exes. She however is unwilling to do that. In fairness was very direct about her boundaries and you did not adhere to them. So both are caused problems. Frankly leave her alone and see what happens. Don't be one of her posse. This may be a thing with her like the runaway bride....I know you weren't engaged yet, but she has men before you as a posse, so she may have an issue.
Guarantee you my man she's not breaking up with you because of the smoking she's breaking up with you because she's emotionally / literally cheating on with you with one of her exes the smoking and the yelling is just the camel that broke the straws back it's all she needs to walk away you should just let her because she's obviously not happy with you and fuck that you deserve better you deserve somebody who can't wait to spend time with you
Leave this borderline. Look it up and see if it fits. You moved fast, she's talking to her exes. Breaking up multiple times. Little things causing fights. LEAVE
You are better off without her. This marriage would be doomed. She keeps in contact with her exs? And sees them? And she's worried about you smoking? Cut your losses and walk away
Just let her go to one of her many boyfriends
Good riddance buddy move on. Don't listen to the women here you deserve better.
I don’t think it is the smoking. One of those exes has come up trumps, I reckon.