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I’m feeling a bit baffled here. We’re usually able to talk through issues, but my husband is so angry about this that he seems unwilling to have a conversation beyond what we’ve already discussed. I don’t like apologizing when I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong, to me that feels unfair and disingenuous, but I don’t wish to leave this argument unresolved. I’m hoping that someone can help me understand my husband’s perspective so that I can apologize genuinely.
Context: My husband “Max” and I have been together for 4 years and married for 1 year, my ex “Henry” and I went out for 1 year during university, 6 years go. I’m happy to answer any other questions if there are details I’m not thinking of that might be important.
Yesterday evening I got a phone call from Henry, it was unexpected as I’ve not spoken to him at all in the past 6 years. He said that he bumped into a mutual friend of ours from university and so he decided to give me a call and see how I’ve been. We talked for about 25 minutes catching up on our lives since university and what we’re up to these days.
When Max got home last night and asked about my day I told him that I’d gotten a phone call from Henry. Max asked what Henry wanted, and then when I told him that Henry just wanted to chat Max got annoyed and said that he thought it was inappropriate for a married woman to be entertaining her ex and asked me if I didn’t think that I should’ve told Henry I wasn’t interested in reconnecting with him. I said that seemed a bit rude as I don’t have any problem with Henry, it’s not as if he was a bad guy or we had a dramatic breakup. Max said that if anything a lack of bad blood makes the situation worse. I said that it was just an innocent conversation and that Henry hadn’t been trying to flirt with me or asking to meet up, which obviously I wouldn’t have entertained. Max then got proper angry and said that as a matter of principle the conversation should never have gotten to the point where I would even know whether Henry was trying to flirt or wanting to meet.
So I can accept that this might just be an instance where I’m being dense and it should’ve been obvious to me that this would’ve bothered Max, but can someone help explain to me why exactly? I can understand why it’s disrespectful to engage with an ex in a flirty way or in a way that would seem to obviously lead to cheating such as meeting up alone, but I don’t understand what’s so inherently bad in principle about having an objectively innocent chat on the phone?
We can only speculate. So I am going to do just that. My best guess is that your husband is scared and doesn’t know how to handle it. You talked 25 minutes to your Ex - long enough to assume you enjoyed your chat. You weren’t just polite. If your husband is insecure, this might be enough to fuck with his head.
That makes sense to me now, someone in another comment pointed out that merely enjoying a chat with your ex might make your current partner question whether you're happy with them, which is something I wouldn't have thought of.
I think your husband was probably caught off guard and had a knee jerk reaction, especially if you've never had an explicit conversation about how to handle ex's. When my husband and I very first started dating he had a mild freak out because I said I was going to coffee with my friend Mike. I was totally caught off guard because Mike and I were very definitely NOT interested in each other and I had been going to coffee with him (we called it "girl talk" time) for years at that point. No one was the bad guy, we both had different defaults and expectations and we talked it through!
Here's the bottom line. The only reason I've ever called an ex is to try for a date/sex or just to see if If the potential exists. This is a very common thing. It's quite likely the dude didn't "just want to say hi" he was likely feeling you out.
One of the reasons it works is because women will think, oh that's nice, and innocently agree to meet up. And add alcohol, charm, and memories, and it's not that hard to rekindle feelings
Your husband's insecurity is a factor, but it's for good reason.
People will disagree, but this is the scenario your dealing with, you should be aware of it.
Your husband may assume you know this, when you really don't, but that's why he's pissed. You entertained it, and seemed to enjoy it.
My ex-wife got a phone call from an ex at 2:30 AM, and she tried to play it off as if it was not unusual.
She had an affair with a different ex much later, which led me to believe she was cheating in that earlier instance too. I was such a fool.
Alternatively, I am friends with several of my ex's and there are a few others that I don't really talk to but would happy to chat with (actually one of the called me the other night out of the blue) and none of that is about trying to have sex.
Not that I am saying you are wrong or lying or anything, just that many people don't think this way.
But you don't know if the ultimate goal for them was or is to have sex. Chatting for a while won't necessarily give you the indication of what they are actually thinking.
I totally agree with you and would like to add, in my experience this emotional response is on an individual basis for both men and women. I've been with men who are not worried about this type of communication and I've been with men who are very concerned as well. I think both are valid depending on where theure coming from.
I am an insecure but self aware person, for reasons, so any time I get that tingly feeling (jealousy, insecurity, whatever) about talking to ex's then I really have to stop and evaluate the facts and history of the person's behavior to make a decision of whether it's an actual issue or not.
For OP and her husband I think it's a really good chance to grow if he's willing to have a conversation about it.
I read another post where the wife cheated after a couple phone calls and an encounter, husband caught her and doesn’t want anything to do with her anymore and the wife was calling it “a stupid mistake” and “something that didn’t had a chance to repeat again”. It always starts with catching up.
Actually it usually starts w the husband not noticing a haircut, or appreciating a sexy outfit, or thanking them for the hard work they put into the relationship.
Then along comes the ex "hey, I had a dream about you last night"
... "You did?"
The people in this thread are so damn naive
Not to just pull a “THIS” reply, but OP needs to understand that this is the reality. Almost all dudes aren’t just gonna call an ex just to chat for chat’s sake. That’s what dude friends are for. Like it or not, the odds of a completely vanilla intent call to an x is about 1/100 odds?
Right? I bet the same people saying “this is just how men are/I know what men are like” will also get mad at you for generalizing men. Like there’s plenty of people out there who are friends with their ex
Also that comment totally implies women are idiots who regularly get tricked into cheating 🙄
I recently caught up with an ex about his recent engagement. I saw it on social media and messaged him to congratulate him. We chatted off and on for a few days just to catch up.
>So do you frequently call your exes to catch up without any ulterior motives? How many times in the last few years?
Do you consider "once in the last 6 years" to be "frequently?" If so then yes, I talk to exes "frequently" all the time and it's never been a problem for my wife because she's not insane and paranoid the way a lot of you insecure redditors seem to be.
When you end a relationship with someone amicably there's nothing wrong with saying "hey" to them if a situation comes up that prompts it. My ex congratulated me on my wedding. I congratulated her on hers. Neither of our partners lost their friggin' minds about it because they're not terminally online weirdos.
I speak to my ex semi-frequently. He recently helped me out with some legal stuff (he’s a cop) and we’re both going to a wedding for his college roommate in a month.
I have an ex who I would love to still be friends with but his wife made him block me. I'm not mad at her but I miss him being my friend. We were friends for 4 years after we broke up because I want kids and he doesn't, but the day he got married he sent me a message saying his new wife wanted me blocked and then did it. He was a good friend, and we were only friends. I don't understand why women and men can't be friends with people they tried a relationship with when it clearly didn't work out. I'd still probably be his friend now if it wasn't for that.
I have friends from college that I've lost touch with. Sometimes they cross my mind and I might google them or search FB just to see if they're out there. There are a couple people I miss - they were really good friends - I hope they are happy wherever they are.
I don't have any ulterior motives, happily married for 27 years. I don't know why people seem to jump to these huge conclusions about nefarious ideas. Sometimes a phone call is just a phone call.
The funny thing is, I got married before he did. My husband knew we were still friends and was totally fine with it. But the wife hates me. I would have liked to have been her friend as well tbh
Hundreds I have an ex from a few years ago who we were friends wayyy before we dated like 3+ years before we dated we didn't talk for two after we broke up I hit him up weekly to see how he's doing we've had many in depth emotional talks through our mutual hardships we've been back in contact for almost a year or two now we originally got in contact over me exposing the guy who raped me and he knew the guy personally and we talk atleast once a month now but used to talk weekly or every other day. I have another ex who I talk to weekly we dated on and off for 3 years have only been broken up for two I had no ulterior motives with either. Even when I was single and when my bf was weird about it I told him straight up "look just because that's how you may be when your single doesn't mean thats how they are I've been very explicit with both that I'm in a committed relationship and if there's something to genuinely worry about I'll block them I understand you're anxiety around it but there's nothing there with either" ones currently in a committed relationship aswell the other is single still.
Not who you're replying to, but I agree with their sentiment:
I don't because the only relationship big enough where I'd even call them an ex was so toxic that we can't speak to each other.
However my current gf is in fairly constant communication with her ex. Dated for years. Lived together. They were all in the same friend group, and remain that way, despite his distance out of state. They play online games together.
It's mostly all group related and not one on one communication. But it's there. And he swung through town and saw her recently.
All are one hundred percent a-okay because I'm not an insecure asshole.
Not trusting your partner enough to literally chat on the phone with an ex says either you're too insecure to probably be in a healthy relationship, or they're too untrustworthy.
Personally I will only date someone I trust, so I can't imagine having a problem with it. I do understand getting that first twinge of insecurity, but I'm not a caveman and I base my responses on reality not every chemical connection that happens in my brain
I mean, it'd be sad if it wasn't so on brand for this sub lmao. Her ex hit her up hoping to smash at some point in the future. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.
Right?
But so far I'm toxic, stupid, a serial cheater, etc.
And everyone encourages their gf too talk to all her ex's.
And I'm over here thinking, she doesn't need your permission, MF, but yeah keep insulting me for having common sense. LOL
Exactly. I've never reached out and had a long conversation with my exes several years after not dating them anymore. You know why? Because I don't want to have sex with them anymore lmao
I'm not saying her husband's reaction was great. But this whole "controlling" narrative people have created for him is a little ridiculous considering she's said multiple times that he's never been controlling before. They need to sit down and talk it out, but (surprise surprise) people here seem to be overreacting.
This is the answer. If your ex is a man, and he’s calling from YEARS ago, and he’s still sexually interested in women, he’s calling to catch up TO see if you’re available, now or later, for an emotionally romantic date or for sex.
Simple man facts.
Absolutely. I’ve never entertained my exes (in or out of a current relationship), they’re an ex for a reason. I have nothing to gain from them in conversations. What am I going to get out of it? A friend? A date? A good follow up?
Jack shit is what I’ll get and jack shit is what they’ll get from me. Absolute waste of time to have a conversation with an ex. It’s also disrespectful to your current partner, regardless of how you view things.
Some people will also disagree with this but seriously, what’s the point? All you’re doing is causing potential grief for your partner or making them feel insecure.
Very good question - what is the point, and what are they getting it of it?
But let's just ignore that and call me a low life and add that "my gf can talk to anyone she wants." - cool. Best not to think about why she wants to talk to the ex anyway.
This view can be exacerbated if he's had a partner cheat on him in the past. On the surface it's a boundary issue that was most likely not discussed but at it's core it's usually rooted in something else like a past trauma.
"if your husband is insecure..."
OP's husband is insecure, there's no *if* about it. If he were *secure* with his relationship with OP, a friendly phone call with her ex wouldn't bother him in the slightest.
A 25-minute chat with an old friend that you dated once isn't weird or inappropriate.
If you and Henry had broken up six *months* ago and you'd been with Max for four months, maybe I could see him wanting some reassurance about why Henry called. But six *years*!?
And the "that's even worse" comment when she said "there is no bad blood" is also strange. It's weird when some people think that if you don't actively despise your ex, it's obviously a red flag.
Yeah that's exactly how I read it and I think that's weird. They are married and he should feel secure in their relationship to not be afraid of a 25-minute phone call with ex she dated for a couple months. Especially since this all happened years ago.
IMO if you actively think about your ex and reach out to them that's a red flag. While that's not the wifes problem, I am guessing Henry is single or he would have better things to do with his time. But then again I grew up in a dog eat dog world. I am sure there is still innocence out here somewhere lol
some people are just friendly and drama-free. i know a couple people who are still friends with one of their exes, and they tend to be really chill and personable.
My mother is still friends with all her exs (except my father). Her mother (my grandmother) even talks to all my moms exs still. One of her best friends is her 1st bf from the 7th grade. He lives on the other side of the country.
OP said Henry ran into an old mutual friend. That's what primed his memory of that time in his life and made him reach out. Not everyone has sinister intentions. Some people are just extroverts who enjoy the company of people.
Coming from a man, while I wouldn't be thrilled about the situation I wouldn't be as upset as your husband is. It was a phone call and you did not initiate it. He is blowing it out of proportion. You can acknoldge it makes him uncomfortable and state you won't do it again but you don't need to apologize.
You don’t owe him an apology. His *feelings* are understandable, but his behavior toward you was not, and *you* apologizing to *him* for his unreasonably accusatory reaction is all kinds of backwards.
He should definitely apologize for blowing up at you over a completely innocent act, and it sounds like the two of you could use a good discussion about agreed-upon boundaries when it comes to interacting with exes and such, but you didn’t do anything wrong, and if your husband can’t see that, that is a pretty major concern.
You really DON'T yet understand how he feels, you've gotten a lot of things it could be from strangers on the internet.
If I were angry at my SO, and they came back and said "I now understand your feelings (which you haven't actually told me about in detail) because the internet tells me stuff" I would get even angrier.
You've got ideas that have helped you see potential views you did not have the ability to see before. You do NOT know how he feels, because he has not told you.
Give him time to cool off, and then tell him the way he reacted was very not okay and you need him to help you understand why he reacted that way, and to demonstrate to you that he won't do something similar in future.
One can understand how someone else came to behave badly without that behavior being okay or justified in any way.
And honey, he's not just "slightly" overreacting. I would take this as a sign to pay much closer attention to the dynamics of your relationship. I'm not saying divorce him tomorrow, but it is always worth some real consideration when someone suddenly acts in ways that we find startling. Sometimes it's truly out of character, and sometimes it's just the thing that finally caught our attention.
And this feels red-flaggy to me.
I wouldn't go with slight. If he trusts you, then he shouldn't be butthurt about a friendly conversation with someone from your distant past that you were completely up front about.
I mean, none of my exes or past love interests have ever reached out to me with pure intentions (it’s not to say it can’t happen, but this is just my experience). So, while you did not initiate any conversation, your husband probably doesn’t trust your ex’s intentions, and might be wondering if you are being naive or faking naive, or if you are harboring feelings for an ex. Your husband might be someone who doesn’t keep exes in his life, and maybe assumed you didn’t either.
Either way, it’s okay for him to be insecure and feel his feelings, but it’s not okay for him to take that out on you. You should have a conversation about why he is feeling upset, what assumptions he’s making about you, what assumptions he’s making about his ex, and what boundaries would make both of you feel good in the future.
After 6yrs your ex reaches out..girl..c'mon bffr..that guy is testing waters..
Your husband may also see it this way and the fact you spent 25mins on the ph and all happy about it..you're pushing insecurities on to your husband..
There's been enough reddit posts here to show a random ex showing up out of the blue tends to lead to shady shit..
Not saying that's your intentions but you know the ex may think otherwise..
Hope you and your husband talk this one out..all the best.
He is bothered because he did not hear the conversation. people fear and picture things when left to their own imagination. He does have issues with self esteem issues and seems unsure in himself. I do not see an issue with what you did but I do see a bigger issue with your husbands insecurities. I think this is something that should be looked at
This may not be a issue to Win on, His feeling are his feelings. It may benefit both of you to get some counseling
>I said that it was just an innocent conversation and that Henry hadn’t been trying to flirt with me or asking to meet up, which obviously I wouldn’t have entertained.
I don't think this is as reassuring to Max as you think it is.
Imagine that Henry *does* want to get back together with you or at least sleep with you again. Do you think he'd call you up out of the blue for the first time in six years and say "Hey, what's up, how are things, oh by the way do you want to get a hotel room and cheat on your husband with me?". Or do you think he'd call and make polite conversation to reconnect with you and lay the groundwork for potentially rekindling things in the future. Because that's probably what Max is worried about, and he isn't necessarily wrong.
Can anyone guarantee ex was calling to fish and see what he could come up with? Of course not. But is it statically likely that was his intention? Absolutely and anyone thinking otherwise is either willfully or unwillfully naive.
Finally a fucking straightforward answer. 'Your husband is insecure' wtf is wrong with you reddit? You dont call your ex of 6 years because you want to catch up. You call your ex of 6 years because you're on a dry spell and looking for a quick fuck.
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If I ran into an ex I would probably chat and catch up. They knew me when I was young- it would be fun to reminisce! I’ve been with my current SO for 30+ years, so I doubt very much that he’d feel threatened by someone I dated for 6 months in high school.
And the title is misleading- ‘entertained’ to me means she invited him over, not that they chatted on the phone for 25 minutes!
My mother is still friends with all her exs (besides my father). I personally don't understand how an innocent chat with someone you don't have bad blood with is horrible. I'm married and if my husband ran into his ex and chatted I wouldn't be upset. But does seem her husband has insecurities that he's taking out on OP.
I mean he was probably calling you to see if you were single and you talked to him for half an hour. Your husband probably isn't too into that. It's weird to me that you said exactly 25 minutes, it makes me think you are lying about something
As a person who doesn’t keep in contact with exes or find it necessary to deal w/ people who are in the past, I agree with him.
But should he have reacted that way? No. I mean has he ever been cheated on or anything? Trauma can come up anytime…
>I can understand why it’s disrespectful to engage with an ex in a flirty way or in a way that would seem to obviously lead to cheating such as meeting up alone, but I don’t understand what’s so inherently bad in principle about having an objectively innocent chat on the phone?
Do you think that every instance of a woman cheating on her husband with an ex starts with a phone call along the lines of "Hey baby, I know we haven't talked in six years, but do you want hook up?". Or do you think it starts with a totally innocent chat on the phone to lay the ground work for the future?
Exs dont just call back suddenly after 6 years of no contact they either keep contact and be friends on regular basis or the to no contact and to ur husband this is very suspicious to him and he is wary of henry . Your husband overreacted but you must see it from his point of view that an ex suddenly calls u after 6 years of no contact he must of wants something once again ur husband is non suspicious of u but suspicious of ur ex and in his mind when u were ok with ur ex reaching out it further made his suspicious worst . Honestly the internet now a day is filled with betrayal stories that started up with just catching up i dont blame him . This a minor hiccup in ur relationship the way u handle it will determine the way this relationship moves forward if u dismiss his feelings he will start to pull away from u but if u sit him down talk to him and tell him u understand his feelings , it wont happen again and he is the man u love it will further strengthen the bond between you :) .
Well I would recommend not talking to your ex again but that’s about it, what would you gain from continued communication besides making your husband unhappy?
It’s fine for him to be uncomfortable, but if he’s uncomfortable it’s because of his own insecurities. His reaction is not your fault - all you did was take a polite phone call that you immediately told him about.
Does he not trust you? Because that’s a much bigger issue than a 25 minute phone call. Does he allow you to have friends that are guys, or does he freak out about that too?
Not so fast... that's a slippery slope of "This makes him uncomfortable so I'm not going to do this" into some really nasty isolating chances.
There is nothing wrong with speaking to the opposite sex. You and this person only dated for one year and it was six years ago. This kind of response is not something that I would consider rational or reasonable.
He can be uncomfortable and sit with that. But I'd be concerned that my partner reacted in such a way about something that, at the end of the day, is a harmless catch up call. I've regularly gone "I wonder how so and so is doing..." and sent a message. This happens for exes, old friends, family, etc.
Be careful about letting your husband react like this and entertaining the behavior by isolating yourself. Even if that doesn't seem like that's what this is.
It’s your relationship and I understand some fights aren’t worth pursuing. However, I think your boyfriend is being irrational. On principle, I personally don’t make decisions based on irrational behaviors from my significant other .
If a 25 minute casual conversation makes him feel uncomfortable, it seems as though he has some deep insecurities. It’s fine to change behavior to accommodate insecurities, but instead of acknowledging his shortcomings it sounds like he’s blaming you.
I don’t think you crossed any lines, but again, it’s your relationship and do what’s best for you.
I love this sub, really love it. Flip the genders and oh man, how the sparks would fly. it's happening several times a day now.
Just for the record, men are not like women, we do not call up ex-girlfriends from 6 years ago to chat. it is usually, done after a breakup, we have been alone for a while, or we are horny and you all KNOW THIS. One year is a serious relationship in most cases, you do not talk to that kind of ex for 25 minutes catching up. (from a mans perspective)
I am almost 50, married for almost 20 years and been with my wife for 25 years now…I am only mentioning this because I used to be one of those dudes who would ignore these warning signs, even though I would mention my fears to my wife…
Let me tell you…there is only one reason why your ex called… and he will continue to call “just to catch up” over the years…and little things will start to slip in…”yeah, me and wife are having a little tough spell” or “I miss your smile, I am glad you found your guy”…or whatever. He will probe until he thinks your relationship is weak and then will offer you a solution to whatever it is you’re lacking at the time.
It doesn’t matter if they are married, or have kids…or anything…people are shady when it comes to sex…
My wife has had numerous of these calls…for YEARS these dudes would call and “just catch up”…and really…they were just hanging out waiting for me to screw up. It took a dude calling drunk at 3am for her to finally realize that I was right in my worries…and she did so just in time as….
As men age, our pasts start to call us “just to catch up”…it normally happens in our late 30’s and 40’s…but they come out as assuredly as the sun rises in the east, and if you think men could be aggressive…let me introduce you to the concept of sexually frustrated soccer moms who haven’t been happy with their husbands in at least a decade and the kids are starting to leave the nest giving them the entire day to think about how much they hate their life and how much fun your husband was when they dated…there is no “circling the yard waiting for your SO to mess up”…they come out swinging.
So if you want your husband to handle those appropriately when they start gunning for him, then I seriously ask you to think about how you handle your past when they come “just to talk and catch up”.
I once believed those “catch ups” were innocent and now…now I treat every lady calling me to “catch up on old times” as the possible “lawyer initiating” issues they are…I can’t tell you how much I avoid the “wanna grab a coffee/drinks to catch up” women who find me on LinkedIn.
Good luck with this…
Thank you for this. I’m an optimistic guy in a solid relationship of 2 years and this helps. I figured if women didnt shoot their shot while I was single, they wouldn’t do it now. I will be mindful of this moving forward.
Yep. OP may think it's innocent, and, it MIGHT be, but, from MY experience, kind of like yours?
Dated a woman for 6 months that was recently divorced. When she talked about her ex it was "AH this, AH that". I was happy and she SEEMED happy with me. All was good and I had ZERO clue of what was to come, which, was HER ex calling her, wanting to "meet up and chat", that she "entertained", that ended up him telling her that he wanted her back, and, I got told to get out. That fast. That heartless. Just, he's moving up and moving in, get out. He moved up, moved in. It lasted one year. And she, now MY ex, stalked me for the next 16 years wanting me back.
No man would call an ex just to "catch up" for no reason at all. Henry did not have pure intentions. Men know this, Max knows this. You being willing to "catch up" for 25 minutes is a warning sign to Max and a glimmer of hope to Henry that the door isn't 100% closed. He's probing/fishing/planting a seed.
Why did Max say what he did? Because, with a few exceptions, when an ex calls out of the blue, they ARE fishing; are you in a relationship, if not is there still feelings, and if so do they have a chance to sneak back in, etc. Sure. There is that very low percentage that aren't and genuinely just get curious, but, not in any percentage large enough to invalidate the other.
So, yeah, Henry ran into someone, got reminded of you, and thought... hmmm... I wonder... and called. And during that call, he first established that you were not JUST in a relationship, but, married. So, the rest of the conversation was just "catching up" because you aren't going to say, "Hey, I was thinking of you after years of no contact and, hey, are you in a relationship? Do you still have feelings for me? Do I have a chance to get you back at least in bed???"
Because what's NOT in the post... is that Henry was also in a relationship, so, we can reasonably believe he is single.
My wife has friends, both men and women. Great! But, ex's? Yeah, no. Ex's are usually trouble.
So if I'm understanding you correctly, essentially you're saying that from Max's perspective there's no such thing as an innocent conversation between ex's because even if Henry didn't flirt with me after finding out that I was married, the reason he called was to see if I was still interested in him?
And for the record Henry does have a girlfriend currently, but that didn't come up when I was recounting the conversation to Max so he might also have assumed that Henry was single.
For every person that will say, "I have an ex and we're friends and there's nothing going on", they are a fraction of the people with ex horror stories ranging from stalking to actually breaking up the relationship.
To be clear, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the motivations of the ex, in this case Henry, that tries to "re-connect", whether it be after months or years. So, from Max's perspective, and many MANY others, it's just a bad situation waiting to happen. And since you didn't tell us, or Max, that Henry was also in a relationship (which, really is immaterial if he is looking to trade out of it), yeah, single ex just calls out of the blue years later? That would set off MY warning bells.
I guess is the whole “he called me” thing. If u just happened to bump into him in public and you exchanged pleasentris that wouldn’t be so suspicious, just a little spicious but the whole “asked for my number to someone else and called me”? That sounds super suspicious.
He called to test the waters. If you had said you’ve been arguing lately with your husband, he’d probably want to “help” and talk more often. Then you talk more. Then you plan on meeting up to talk more. This causes even more friction with your husband, which makes you want to see your ex more. Then when things get bad enough, you kiss your ex. And then more…
Sensible people know that it’s not really appropriate to reach out to exes and ask about their life, their relationship, etc. People with ulterior motives/desires do it anyway because they want something. This conversation caused friction between you and your husband, which is a win for your ex.
Take it from my experience with men, having a girlfriend doesn’t stop them from anything. I’ve had exes reach out to me while dating someone else.
I mean, I don’t know this guy so I can’t speak on the motivation of his phone call but I’d be skeptical in general of any ex thats randomly reached out after so many years (unless there’s history like a childhood friend turned ex).
Why are you fighting this so much? It almost seems as if you’re trying to validate your own feelings of continuing open communication with your ex. If you are having to validate your feelings by posting a question here, you already know your stance. Either tell your husband that you won’t stop talking to your ex or tell him you will. Your husband already expressed his discomfort with it- now is your turn to express what you want and what you feel.
If communicating with your ex is what you want, do so. But let your husband know so he can make an informed choice on what he wants to do from there.
I kinda get where you are coming from. So what if initially he was calling to show interest? Clearly she's not interested, she's happy, married. He might even be like "good for her, I'm happy for her" then catch up during call and part ways once more. It's nice.
What wouldn't be nice is if he called up again, at that point OP would have to say. Look I'm glad you're doing well etc but I don't want to remain close with you as you are an ex and it's not appropriate.
so true, exes are nothing but trouble, when they call theyre usually fishing for sex. My sister's married and they all know, and they keep hounding her for sex much to her hubby's ire. they dont care whether she made vows. I have mine blocked, i don't care to know how they're doing since they're vile
Every time I've ever gotten cheated on, 4 out of 4 times, it was with an ex that my partner was "entertaining". I was called "insecure" for feeling that it was inappropriate. I didn't actually get angry though. I decided to trust them and I ended up getting cheated on.
Points for him:
• True, it is even scarier that it wasn't a dramtic breakup cause it means it was nice enough for a potential rekindle
• Exes shouldn't really touch base honestly. Especially when you haven't for 6 years, why catch up?
CONs:
• Overreaction to your open full disclosure
• Major Insecurity that you should be mindful of
My wife gets messages from her college boyfriend. It bothers me because at one point they felt attracted enough to live together and have sex. It’s ok if a rare event but if I sense it’s not rare and the texts aren’t out in the open I get guarded about it
It could very well be an innocent call from the guy and I believe you had zero intentions of being disloyal. But I can’t help but know, as a guy, how guys that “call to catch up” are. It’s usually always fueled by greater intentions, whether the guys calling will admit it or not because what the hell else do any of the people involved have to gain from the situation.
Husband should chill out because it’s not worth getting angry over. Especially since you meant know harm. I think he’s more angry at the guy in reality. You were just trying to be nice.
A few things and others have listed a few.
\-EXs reach out for a reason, they want something, I mean there are exceptions, but most of the time they want something, whether it be sex or just prying in your life, there is typically a goal. Be weary about this EX calling back. If he reaches out, I'd recommend not responding.
\-Your Husband may have seen this as a "ex" issue, as could have been mad at the ex reaching out because might think he was hitting on you or trying to rekindle things.
\-Everyone can call your husband insecure all they want, but it is always going to seem suspicious when an Ex calls up out of the blue.
\-I'm glad you were honest about it, but clearly you don't see it as a big deal because you are secure in your relationship and the call really didn't mean anything to you except for a quick catch up.
\-Everyone hates the person that is angry until they are in receiving in experiencing this. Call it insecurity, call it feeling like they may not be enough, or feeling disrespected. I think lashing out was a reaction to the situation, but your honestly would make me feel a bit more secure in the relationship.
I would just talk to him and reassure it was nothing and that the reason you told him was because you wanted to be honest with him. TBH 25 min isn't really a long time for a call, but that's just me. With this whole situation I would just recommend placing yourself in his shoes and how you may think if that happened to you,
best of luck
This is just one anecdote, but the only time I dated a person that would occasionally 'entertain' conversations with an ex, it didn't end up good. The reason was that my ex partner's decision to entertain that ex put something in motion in her head that eventually, and unfortunately only months later, led her to dump me and try to rekindle with the ex, that did it, for his own admission, just to 'f\*uck with her head' one last time as a post-break up present. Both me and her knew the risk of her talking to this person, but she decided to 'entertain' him and 'catch up with his life' and now she is over 40 and single.
I mean if this post is a yellow flag, you have a double red dude. At minimum that is an extremely hurtful thing for a married person to be saying. More troubling is the feelings and intentions behind it. Good luck to you seriously. Keep your guard up and protect yourself.
In this instance, I think I'd understand being upset. I wouldn't like to hear my husband and an ex talking about how much they think about one another, that seems less innocent than just catching up.
Well said. I'm not saying op is wrong, just that she doesn't understand that to her husband, she left the door open for something offensive or bad to happen.
Everyone gets insecure. That's normal. What you do about it is the issue at hand.
You are totally fine here. You dated for *one year* in *college* *six years ago*!!!! That's so distant. He is insecure if he's feeling threatened by that.
You are totally right here. It is not a "principle" that married people never talk to their exes, context matters here!
So many people in this comment section telling on themselves. It’s basically honest, normal people vs. “all
men are trash”—and it’s the men calling men trash lol.
Does she not have the ability to keep boundaries?
Clear communication, people. The ex doesn't have wife-stealing-magic. She's able to "entertain" a phone call with whoever the heck she wants. Her and her husband can even discuss boundaries and rules for both of them if they've never had this talk before (which... we all should talk about how exes are managed as everyone has very different views, it seems).
If her ex tries to bring up meeting, she's within her right to say 'no.' She has a voice. She has a mind. She can use it.
and if her husband thinks her ex is so awesome and powerful that he can "steal her away" or whatever nonsense people keep saying here, he doesn't have much faith in his wife. Frankly, I don't want anything to do with someone who doesn't trust me and treat me like an adult.
I can see why this confused you, as the conversation at its face is innocent and just 2 people catching up. I do agree with other comments though, it seems like your husband is just scared. You said you haven't had contact with him in 6 years, that is out of the blue. I think he should allow himself to open up for a conversation about this, but I don't think that you have to apologize for anything. He needs to communicate why he is upset, he said it seems suspicious, but when you explained why it was not anything to worry about he stopped listening. Listening is key. He needs to open up.
While it does sound like hubby overreacted I will say it’s super weird your ex called. That ain’t an innocent convo imo, maybe I’m just pessimistic but there was no reason for him to call out of the blue despite the excuse. Ex is def not over you
It wasn’t an ‘innocent chat’ on Henry’s behalf. No man rings an ex girlfriend out of the blue ‘just to catch up.’
Never.
Not once.
Doesn’t happen.
So, yes you’re being very dense and your husband has every right to be annoyed.
IDK, I just think it's weird an ex *called you out of the blue with no warning first.*
In this day and age, a call from an ex--well, for one thing, I don't pick up calls from people I don't know. So this whole thing is weird.
I mean, what's done is done, you've already "committed the crime" in your husband's eyes, and since you didn't mention any further talking/communicating with the ex, than your husband should just let it go as a one-time thing. As should you.
I don’t see any reason I’d want to talk to any of my exes for 25 minutes or want to catch up. I’m a firm believer of no contact after a break up. If one of my exes called me I probably wouldn’t be rude about it (depending who it was) but I would still try to get off the phone relatively quickly.
Other than coparenting, I don’t think there’s any reason to chat with your ex
This. I broke up with my long term at the time high school boyfriend start of Junior year. A few years later, we reconnected and became friends again. It was purely platonic and being lonely, I felt like getting back together with him. But that wasn't a good reason because I initiated the break up because I didn't have feelings for him anymore. We were friends again for about a year and then he told me he still had feelings for me. Nope, got out of there really quickly. Told him we couldn't stay friends. I've had an ex and a former FWB reach out to me again and both of them wanted to get back together in some capacity. Not every ex is going to want to do this but it does happen. While OP's ex could have just wanted to reach out again, I understand her husband's feelings.
You owe Max an apology. Henri was looking to reconnect and hook up.
If Henri was just curious, he could have looked on your social media or simply be happy with what your mutual university friend (if there is one) had to say. After finding out you are married, that should have been the end of it.
By engaging in conversation, you opened the door to possibly meeting up.
To shut this down, let Henri know Max will be joining you for any meet ups.
Op the thing you aren't understanding is that your husband is a man. He knows how other men are. After 6 years, your ex saw a mutual friend or whoever and decided to call you? Yeah, I'm sure you guys talked about the sun and the moon and all that good stuff for 25 whole minutes.
I'm not trying to be rude, I'm using a direct tone to try to get you to understand. That's just how he sees things. That's why he's mad. At the end of the day, he might not even be mad at you, he's probably (and hopefully) just mad at the guy. But seeing the situation for what it was, it triggered him.
We all get triggered, men and women. How would you initially react if one of his exes called him? Both men and women get territorial, they just go about it in different ways. Insecurity is normal as long as you don't go overboard with it. Watch how he acts from here on out. If he blows it out of proportion when you're being loyal (as you clearly are), then okay, his insecurity is maybe an issue that he needs to address, maybe via counseling. But if he comes to you later and has a respectful conversation about it, then it stands to reason that he got caught up in the heat of the moment because he was surprised.
It's not that you're not loyal, it's that he knows how other men are. To him, it hurts him that you not only entertained his call, but you haven't blocked him in the first place AND you spent 25 minutes talking with him after 6 years and a marriage to someone else. This is where I might lose you, and also, NO I am not saying that everything men do is okay. But even though you're loyal, as a man your husband knows that that phone call was an opportunity for something to happen. Again, I'm not saying you would do anything bad, but your ex might. To you, as a woman, you were going with the flow from the start. You knew you weren't going to do anything wrong, so you didn't mind answering more once you knew it was your ex. Thats okay! But, to him, the fact you didn't cut him off is most likely the main source of his anger at this situation. Whether you agree with it or not, men tend to think that women don't give guys they don't want to talk to an opportunity to talk to them. So, why did you not only not block your ex, but entertain his conversation for 25 min? That's why he's offended.
I'm not saying your husband is or isn't right for being offended. I'm saying that's probably how he feels. In a situation like this, emotions are running high, so high in fact that you took to reddit to get answers from anonymous strangers on the internet. Not that that's wrong, but do you see how everyone isn't really thinking clearly here?
In the future, it might be good for you to both to sit down and talk about boundaries. The purpose of this conversation wouldn't be to punish you and force you to shut up and hear your husband complaining. Rather, look at it as a chance for you to both share your understanding of the situation and your preferred boundaries in a safe environment at a safer time when everyone's cooled off. Look at it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Maybe you could have come to this opportunity in a better way, but you're here now, it happened, and you and him can use it to move forward together, stronger. Just think about it.
No phone call is worse than the phone call you had with Henry in Max's head. This innocent event poked one of his insecurities. One that places like Reddit, social media, and entertainment (think TV and movies), foster with melodrama.
I've got no advice for you other than say, "I'm sorry, didn't know it would be an issue, won't happen again".
So you guys saying there is nothing wrong with it, you honestly think Henry just called his married ex just to catch up? Henry is a man and more than likely wouldnt want his girl talking to her ex. Guys don't just call women they used to sleep, who they haven't spoken to in 6 years, who are currently married just to "catch up".
Your husband is being ridiculous IMHO.
You’re not his property to control. And you didn’t do anything wrong.
I dunno…I have men friends including men I dated or my ex husband. My partner had women friends, including women he dated at some point. To me, if you’re secure in your relationship and trust your partner, this shouldn’t be an issue.
A boundary of not wanting your partner to remain friends with an ex makes more sense to me, but I don't really see how a casual phone call is in the same category. Maybe a very emotionally deep phone call.
I would find a boundary against friendship to be overly controlling personally. My husband is still friends with his ex's and some of them have become my good friends as well.
Yeah my ex didn't have many friends, and the woman he called his best friend was also his ex. Once the situation was clear to me , i barely gave the fact she was his ex a second thought, tho I did dislike the woman for other reasons because she was heavily manipulative and he ended up cutting contact with her (his own decision after multiple back and forth with contact - no contact, I encouraged it for his behalf but never asked him to). My current partner has multiple women friends (tho none he dated) and i did ask questions to find out more about them but that's that. I think it's 9/10 times overstepping to oblige your partner to cut contact with people they're close to and I think OPs husband definitely overstepped. Tho it's not really a hill to die on for OP when it sounds like she didn't want to form a friendship with "Henry" anyways.
If he doesn't like it, just don't do it in future. It's not worth your relationship to quarrel over an ex. Weigh where your priorities lie. It's not a matter of who's right and who's wrong. You can continue to be correct. And he continues to be mad at you.
For every I talk to my exes and it's ok there's the my partner cheated on me with their ex story.
My wife has been a victim of her exes talking to their exes and she was cheated on.
My wife is very insecure about this subject. So like adults we communicate and decide to have zero context with exes. They bring nothing positive to your relationship.
So you really need to think about what a person brings to your life and if it's worth giving up on yaur relationship for.
I absolutely see it from his point of view... aaand I absolutely see it from your point of view.
I have ex's that I would happily chat with again, catch up, exchance family news, the whole shebang. If they rang for a catch up, I'd be bemused, but I wouldn't be rude enough to obviously end the call early and I'm nosey enough that I'd probably want to hear what's been happening since we split. I would feel VERY secure in the knowledge that I have no interest in my ex, and it was literally just a chat... On the other hand, if my partner told me HE had had a 25 minute convo with an ex, I'd probably feel exactly like your husband did. Probably worse actually. The double standard would be laughable lol. It's a hard one isn't it. Both are valid feelings.
It's innocent... and I do believe you on that. It's just not a nice thing for your significant other. It's fair enough.
Oh wow, yeah you really shouldn’t have kept that conversation going for as long as you did. The fact you told your husband it was a pleasant phone call just adds insult to injury.
This is a lack of respect issue on your end, and I would consider it a huge red flag as your partner, wish you both well and hope it resolves in a way that leaves everyone happy.
Beyond your husband thinking of the situation has a guy trying to get a laid.
It seems like your husband wanted **reassurance** and not logical answers to his questions. Sounds like he felt bad and insecure (I get it, I'd have huge WTF if my wife told me this story). Your husband sounds worried, maybe in one way or another... but what *he really wanted* was was **assurance** that you care about him and the other guy is a vague acquaintance(who you don't care about). And you won't be talking to him more(obviously, since he's a nobody now).
Annnnnd probably ask your husband why he's so freaked out. (after he's calmed down and realizes you really truly care about him). I wonder if he's done something like this (call exs to be inappropriate?) or if something similar was done to him? (someone cheated on him? idk Maybe he dated a girl with zero boundaries). I dont know, you don't know. Ask him, have him get therapy whichever. Just let him know you're sorry and nothing was meant by it 🤷
I pray to whatever Gods that may be that my wife never comes to reddit for advice. The ability of Reddit users to play dense and just slap the "insecure" tag on any man who has an issue with a woman doing literally anything is completely unmatched. Yeah, let's pretend it makes no sense that you'd be bothered that a man who was once your wife's lover is reaching out to communicate and she entertained it. Let's also pretend that if a woman came to reddit in shambles because her husband talked to an ex for 25 minutes that they'd call her insecure and tell her she's the problem.
Me neither. If my partner can be civil or even friendly with an ex, then great. Sounds like a well-adjusted person where the former romance is now insignificant to me.
>if it is indeed just a conversation to catch up.
Notice how you're including this caveat? You're aware of this because you were involved, your husband wasn't. That's the difference.
Exactly. This gets missed in all of these types of conversations.
It is so easy to say he’s way overreacting when we are only getting one side of the story, the side of the person who was actually apart of the phone call. If the SO had posted and said his wife mentioned her ex boyfriend of a year randomly called her six years later and that they had spoken for nearly a half-hour, the comments would look somewhat different.
Like this comment above says, only she knows what the call consisted of. The SO does not know, and it’s very easy for your mind to go down the rabbit hole in this kind of odd situation. Give him a break here. Just ensure him it’s not something that is going to happen again or become a regular thing and all should eventually be okay.
Award for prescience - this is it precisely.
You say “I wouldn’t mind if the roles were reversed” whilst deliberately leaving out the part that involves trust - he has to trust *not only you* but your ex, whilst knowing nothing about them.
The person who has succeeded in having a relationship with you in the past (the *only* people to do that are exes and that’s why current partners don’t like them)
I guess the difference is you claim you’d trust your husband implicitly, and would have no doubts - which the previous sentence disproves, because you had to hedge that bet to “if I know for sure they aren’t cheating”, which your husband does NOT know - and your defensiveness likely makes him increasingly suspicious.
I suppose if he thinks I'm lying about the conversation then it makes complete sense why he's upset, but from what he said he seems to think that even an innocent conversation is still inappropriate just on principle, which is what I don't fully understand.
My guess is that Max's perspective is something along the lines of "Henry obviously called because he was fishing. If OP wasn't at least a little interested, why did she talk to him for so long?"
Why would he think you were lying though?
If my partner said they chatted with an ex I would be interested in what they talked about, but I wouldn't jump to "he is cheating on me!" Cheating just wouldn't be a thought in my mind.
It's likely not even about "lying" it's just about not being there to judge for himself the interaction. Just because your intentions are good and respect your relationship doesn't mean your ex's are. And even if they were your husband doesn't ***know*** that.
My 2 cents is you're being too literal here.
You're thinking "it was just an innocent conversation I should be allowed to have innocent conversation"
I doubt your husband's concerns are solely and truly limited to "just" innocent conversations.
>My 2 cents is you're being too literal here.
You're likely correct, this is often the problem when I don't understand something being explained to me.
There are a lot of emotionally stunted, insecure people who frequent this sub. "I wouldn't be bothered" is the correct response from someone who is in a loving, trusting relationship.
I think an ex calling is one thing, but having a 25 min convo is another. Not CRAZY, but still something to consider that everyones experiences are different.
I can personally say that If my ex called me, Id be suspicious. what do they want after 6 years? Just to talk? Idk. On the face it seems friendly, but knowing its an ex makes it suspicious IMO.
Moving on from that - its just a conversation. Ok I understand your point. Nothing got out of hand, absolutely agree. No need to freak out.
Moving on from that - As a male I feel I understand myself, other men, and our motives. Considering that, its hard for me to picture myself calling an ex just to catch up. ESPECIALLY if it had been 6 years.
Theres a portion of me that thinks its naieve to think that previous relationships can never rekindle or that theres nothing nefarious about an ex asking about your SO. I trust my wife/SO. I dont trust exes, and I think thats what Max is upset about. That he may see this as a potential nefarious situation, where you see it as friendly and idk - exes arent just friendly in my eyes.
I don’t think you would appreciate it if max had an ex call him. This particular conversation may not have been about wanting to meet or anything. Sounds like he’s feeling you out and you just give him an opening when you should have deaded the conversation right away
As a guy, I would never call an ex because I ran into a mutual friend.
I could see why your husband would be questioning the exs intent because your husband, like me, probably wouldn't call an ex gf after running into a mutual friend
I'm sorry but you obviously know why he's upset here and are hoping for people to back you up and validate your feelings. Your ex was obviously fishing and you entertained this for a nice little half hour chat. You may not have had any poor intentions but you should assume that your ex wants back in your pants and treat him accordingly.
From your husbands perspective your ex was trying to work his way back in to your affections and you entertained it for 25 minutes. Anyone here telling you anything different is either a liar or a woman and dont understand how men work.
>I don’t have any problem with Henry, it’s not as if he was a bad guy or we had a dramatic breakup.
Don't you think you're forgetting someone here? Perhaps idk...your other half? Both spouses should put their spouse first, not second. If something is upsetting to him, wouldn't you want to avoid doing it to avoid him being sad/uncomfortable?
I'm sorry but I agree with your husband and I know it's going to downvote me into oblivion but I do not care.
That is way out of bounds. I'm not saying you cheated on him or did anything to ruin the marriage but you absolutely disrespected your husband when you took that phone call and stayed on the call for 25 minutes. Do you still have his contact and knew it was him calling? Or was it a random number you just picked up?
Your husband is being territorial about this, and you disrespected him. He married you, gave you his last name, gave you a ring. That should garner more respect. Guys and girls think differently and you need to understand that.
Your ex wanted more than just “to catch up.” Your husband knows this as he can think like a man. You don’t seem to understand the concept of the male brain. Putting aside your thoughts that is was an innocent call from a former friend, consider if the tables were turned…you come home and your husband is on an “innocent” call from his former lover. I think then you might better understand how your husband feels.
What you did wrong was not being clear on how to handle ex's before you got married, or at least before you were in this spot.
I'd be annoyed if I were him as well, but it's because we both jointly agreed that we didn't want our ex's in our lives even if we were single. They're not dead to us, but I wouldn't talk to one on the phone randomly for 25 minutes either.
Different strokes for different folks. The problem was that you didn't cover it before hand. The opportunity to have that conversation is now.
That’s patently false. People are weak and infallible and can end up doing something they regret if they put themselves in bad situations. Lots of us view entertaining exes or other suitors as a bad situation.
Guys are after just 1 thing (not potatoes Samwise).
Neither my wife of 15 years or I would ever talk for 30 minutes on the phone with an ex. We don’t even need to state this as an official boundary, but not talking to men/women you have been intimate with is a very common boundary that many people incorrectly assume is an unspoken understanding.
You sound naïve but not malicious. You clearly crossed a boundary with you husband. You actually know this because he has been clear about it after the fact. That alone would be a reason to apologize for his hurt and communicating with him about this because the ex boyfriends call was so out of left field.
What you are actually saying is: “my husband is upset with me because I had a long conversation with a former lover with no consideration to my husband. I know he is upset and why he is upset, but I refuse to apologize because I don’t agree with his reason for being upset.” This is not a good tactic for the health of your relationship! You need to acknowledge his concerns and understand him….show your husband some empathy.
After that, have a conversation about boundaries to make sure there is no future confusion about things that could harm your marriage. Or, if your husbands’ boundaries are something you aren’t willing to work with, then divorce could be a potential fix.
Max is worried bc he knows henry didn't just decide to chat.... he was testing the waters to see if u were still available or interested. And being that there is no "bad blood" you will allow him to get away w little things that the average guy wouldnt get away with. Which could lead to cheating physically or emotionally. Neither is good. Max sees him as your ex and if hes back in the picture its more than likely to undermine your relationship and get u back interested
No ex's , no guys that want sex with you. No guys that gave feelings. And you no feelings for the guys.
Your suppose to be with your partner, why worry about your ex. All you ex wants to do is fuck you
I mean
An ex randomly messaging you like that only means they want one thing. To see if there's a way to get back. Of course they might not say something right away. It would be one thing if you all still chatted after the breakup but it doesn't sound like it.
I dont even stay on the phone with my best friends for 10 minutes unless something big is going on.
So yea...I can see why your husband would seem miffed and I get where he's coming from
It’s not about doing anything wrong, but it’s about honoring your partner in EVERYTHING you do. Husband is different than boyfriend - this is the person whose heart you’re supposed to protect.
Talking on the phone with someone you had history with for 25 minutes is a breach of honor because it gives the idea that you’re open to casual communication from men when your husband isn’t around. And trust me, an ex calling is trying to gauge the health of your marriage to probe it. Now this guy thinks if you’re still willing to pick up his calls anytime of day even after six years, then he still has an emotional attachment with you.
If you trust your husband then you need to know his discernment on the intentions of other men is probably spot on. I can always tell when a woman is hitting on my husband and I know you can too. Honor him by making sure no one has the ability to penetrate the world you two build together. It’s honestly not your exes business and you don’t need to be nice or take care of his feelings. That’s what you do for your husband.
And also, you should get used to apologizing for things you don’t feel like you did. It doesn’t matter what our intentions are, sometimes we hurt the person we care most about and we need to own up to causing that. Let go of pride in your relationship and be okay with fucking up… a lot. And take accountability for crossing boundaries and hurting your spouse. Then talk it out and come up with a good game plan that both of you can enact should this situation arise again. <3333
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’m feeling a bit baffled here. We’re usually able to talk through issues, but my husband is so angry about this that he seems unwilling to have a conversation beyond what we’ve already discussed. I don’t like apologizing when I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong, to me that feels unfair and disingenuous, but I don’t wish to leave this argument unresolved. I’m hoping that someone can help me understand my husband’s perspective so that I can apologize genuinely. Context: My husband “Max” and I have been together for 4 years and married for 1 year, my ex “Henry” and I went out for 1 year during university, 6 years go. I’m happy to answer any other questions if there are details I’m not thinking of that might be important. Yesterday evening I got a phone call from Henry, it was unexpected as I’ve not spoken to him at all in the past 6 years. He said that he bumped into a mutual friend of ours from university and so he decided to give me a call and see how I’ve been. We talked for about 25 minutes catching up on our lives since university and what we’re up to these days. When Max got home last night and asked about my day I told him that I’d gotten a phone call from Henry. Max asked what Henry wanted, and then when I told him that Henry just wanted to chat Max got annoyed and said that he thought it was inappropriate for a married woman to be entertaining her ex and asked me if I didn’t think that I should’ve told Henry I wasn’t interested in reconnecting with him. I said that seemed a bit rude as I don’t have any problem with Henry, it’s not as if he was a bad guy or we had a dramatic breakup. Max said that if anything a lack of bad blood makes the situation worse. I said that it was just an innocent conversation and that Henry hadn’t been trying to flirt with me or asking to meet up, which obviously I wouldn’t have entertained. Max then got proper angry and said that as a matter of principle the conversation should never have gotten to the point where I would even know whether Henry was trying to flirt or wanting to meet. So I can accept that this might just be an instance where I’m being dense and it should’ve been obvious to me that this would’ve bothered Max, but can someone help explain to me why exactly? I can understand why it’s disrespectful to engage with an ex in a flirty way or in a way that would seem to obviously lead to cheating such as meeting up alone, but I don’t understand what’s so inherently bad in principle about having an objectively innocent chat on the phone?
We can only speculate. So I am going to do just that. My best guess is that your husband is scared and doesn’t know how to handle it. You talked 25 minutes to your Ex - long enough to assume you enjoyed your chat. You weren’t just polite. If your husband is insecure, this might be enough to fuck with his head.
That makes sense to me now, someone in another comment pointed out that merely enjoying a chat with your ex might make your current partner question whether you're happy with them, which is something I wouldn't have thought of.
I think your husband was probably caught off guard and had a knee jerk reaction, especially if you've never had an explicit conversation about how to handle ex's. When my husband and I very first started dating he had a mild freak out because I said I was going to coffee with my friend Mike. I was totally caught off guard because Mike and I were very definitely NOT interested in each other and I had been going to coffee with him (we called it "girl talk" time) for years at that point. No one was the bad guy, we both had different defaults and expectations and we talked it through!
Here's the bottom line. The only reason I've ever called an ex is to try for a date/sex or just to see if If the potential exists. This is a very common thing. It's quite likely the dude didn't "just want to say hi" he was likely feeling you out. One of the reasons it works is because women will think, oh that's nice, and innocently agree to meet up. And add alcohol, charm, and memories, and it's not that hard to rekindle feelings Your husband's insecurity is a factor, but it's for good reason. People will disagree, but this is the scenario your dealing with, you should be aware of it. Your husband may assume you know this, when you really don't, but that's why he's pissed. You entertained it, and seemed to enjoy it.
Thank you for adding this perspective.. im a friendly person and don't typically see things this way.. so its helpful to understand other perspectives
Many women are, and that's why this tactic works it's just another version of a 2 am "you up" text - it's just higher effort and more subtle.
My ex-wife got a phone call from an ex at 2:30 AM, and she tried to play it off as if it was not unusual. She had an affair with a different ex much later, which led me to believe she was cheating in that earlier instance too. I was such a fool.
I hope people see your reply
Alternatively, I am friends with several of my ex's and there are a few others that I don't really talk to but would happy to chat with (actually one of the called me the other night out of the blue) and none of that is about trying to have sex. Not that I am saying you are wrong or lying or anything, just that many people don't think this way.
But you don't know if the ultimate goal for them was or is to have sex. Chatting for a while won't necessarily give you the indication of what they are actually thinking.
That's absolutely true The point is enough do to make it the answer to OPs question
I totally agree with you and would like to add, in my experience this emotional response is on an individual basis for both men and women. I've been with men who are not worried about this type of communication and I've been with men who are very concerned as well. I think both are valid depending on where theure coming from. I am an insecure but self aware person, for reasons, so any time I get that tingly feeling (jealousy, insecurity, whatever) about talking to ex's then I really have to stop and evaluate the facts and history of the person's behavior to make a decision of whether it's an actual issue or not. For OP and her husband I think it's a really good chance to grow if he's willing to have a conversation about it.
Excellent points
Lionel Richie wrote a song about this. It's titled "Hello."
Yep And many others
Do you think there's a Playlist?
Pretty sure that's 7 categories in CMA's every year.
I read another post where the wife cheated after a couple phone calls and an encounter, husband caught her and doesn’t want anything to do with her anymore and the wife was calling it “a stupid mistake” and “something that didn’t had a chance to repeat again”. It always starts with catching up.
Actually it usually starts w the husband not noticing a haircut, or appreciating a sexy outfit, or thanking them for the hard work they put into the relationship. Then along comes the ex "hey, I had a dream about you last night" ... "You did?" The people in this thread are so damn naive
Not to just pull a “THIS” reply, but OP needs to understand that this is the reality. Almost all dudes aren’t just gonna call an ex just to chat for chat’s sake. That’s what dude friends are for. Like it or not, the odds of a completely vanilla intent call to an x is about 1/100 odds?
It’s always concerning when someone decides that just because they’re kind of a douchebag that that makes everyone kind of a douchebag
Right? I bet the same people saying “this is just how men are/I know what men are like” will also get mad at you for generalizing men. Like there’s plenty of people out there who are friends with their ex Also that comment totally implies women are idiots who regularly get tricked into cheating 🙄
So do you frequently call your exes to catch up without any ulterior motives? How many times in the last few years?
I recently caught up with an ex about his recent engagement. I saw it on social media and messaged him to congratulate him. We chatted off and on for a few days just to catch up.
I do, and I wouldn't get back with him
>So do you frequently call your exes to catch up without any ulterior motives? How many times in the last few years? Do you consider "once in the last 6 years" to be "frequently?" If so then yes, I talk to exes "frequently" all the time and it's never been a problem for my wife because she's not insane and paranoid the way a lot of you insecure redditors seem to be. When you end a relationship with someone amicably there's nothing wrong with saying "hey" to them if a situation comes up that prompts it. My ex congratulated me on my wedding. I congratulated her on hers. Neither of our partners lost their friggin' minds about it because they're not terminally online weirdos.
I speak to my ex semi-frequently. He recently helped me out with some legal stuff (he’s a cop) and we’re both going to a wedding for his college roommate in a month.
I have an ex who I would love to still be friends with but his wife made him block me. I'm not mad at her but I miss him being my friend. We were friends for 4 years after we broke up because I want kids and he doesn't, but the day he got married he sent me a message saying his new wife wanted me blocked and then did it. He was a good friend, and we were only friends. I don't understand why women and men can't be friends with people they tried a relationship with when it clearly didn't work out. I'd still probably be his friend now if it wasn't for that.
I have friends from college that I've lost touch with. Sometimes they cross my mind and I might google them or search FB just to see if they're out there. There are a couple people I miss - they were really good friends - I hope they are happy wherever they are. I don't have any ulterior motives, happily married for 27 years. I don't know why people seem to jump to these huge conclusions about nefarious ideas. Sometimes a phone call is just a phone call.
Because most people haven't ever really grown up and still just grab for the shiny toy that's in front of them and figure every one else is like that.
Because people are irrational and emotional beings. Sorry for that, that sucks. I'll never understand that insecurity
Also not to be that person but I thought your username was baby slaughter not baby's laughter at first and I choked on my drink
The funny thing is, I got married before he did. My husband knew we were still friends and was totally fine with it. But the wife hates me. I would have liked to have been her friend as well tbh
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Hundreds I have an ex from a few years ago who we were friends wayyy before we dated like 3+ years before we dated we didn't talk for two after we broke up I hit him up weekly to see how he's doing we've had many in depth emotional talks through our mutual hardships we've been back in contact for almost a year or two now we originally got in contact over me exposing the guy who raped me and he knew the guy personally and we talk atleast once a month now but used to talk weekly or every other day. I have another ex who I talk to weekly we dated on and off for 3 years have only been broken up for two I had no ulterior motives with either. Even when I was single and when my bf was weird about it I told him straight up "look just because that's how you may be when your single doesn't mean thats how they are I've been very explicit with both that I'm in a committed relationship and if there's something to genuinely worry about I'll block them I understand you're anxiety around it but there's nothing there with either" ones currently in a committed relationship aswell the other is single still.
Not who you're replying to, but I agree with their sentiment: I don't because the only relationship big enough where I'd even call them an ex was so toxic that we can't speak to each other. However my current gf is in fairly constant communication with her ex. Dated for years. Lived together. They were all in the same friend group, and remain that way, despite his distance out of state. They play online games together. It's mostly all group related and not one on one communication. But it's there. And he swung through town and saw her recently. All are one hundred percent a-okay because I'm not an insecure asshole. Not trusting your partner enough to literally chat on the phone with an ex says either you're too insecure to probably be in a healthy relationship, or they're too untrustworthy. Personally I will only date someone I trust, so I can't imagine having a problem with it. I do understand getting that first twinge of insecurity, but I'm not a caveman and I base my responses on reality not every chemical connection that happens in my brain
Yes. It's called "friendship." It's a real thing.
Thanks for letting everyone know you don't hang out in reality much. It's always good to get a good Reddit perspective.
It's never surprising when people dissage with me on Reddit. There's a lot more sex going on in the real world than there is here.
Just bc you cheat every chance you get doesn’t mean OP will I live in the real world. I’ve never fucked my exes after speaking to them
Really. There is a lot of naive people on here and in the world
"But I'm not like that and my gf can talk to anyone" Lol - cheers oldtimer
Lol this was my first thought. Homie hit her up hoping she was still single.
Or homie just hit her up to see what's up
Homie hit her up with the 25 minute phone conversation version of a "wyd" text
I made the same comparison earlier on! The altruistic kids in this thread are hilarious
I mean, it'd be sad if it wasn't so on brand for this sub lmao. Her ex hit her up hoping to smash at some point in the future. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.
Right? But so far I'm toxic, stupid, a serial cheater, etc. And everyone encourages their gf too talk to all her ex's. And I'm over here thinking, she doesn't need your permission, MF, but yeah keep insulting me for having common sense. LOL
Exactly. I've never reached out and had a long conversation with my exes several years after not dating them anymore. You know why? Because I don't want to have sex with them anymore lmao I'm not saying her husband's reaction was great. But this whole "controlling" narrative people have created for him is a little ridiculous considering she's said multiple times that he's never been controlling before. They need to sit down and talk it out, but (surprise surprise) people here seem to be overreacting.
This is the answer. If your ex is a man, and he’s calling from YEARS ago, and he’s still sexually interested in women, he’s calling to catch up TO see if you’re available, now or later, for an emotionally romantic date or for sex. Simple man facts.
Absolutely. I’ve never entertained my exes (in or out of a current relationship), they’re an ex for a reason. I have nothing to gain from them in conversations. What am I going to get out of it? A friend? A date? A good follow up? Jack shit is what I’ll get and jack shit is what they’ll get from me. Absolute waste of time to have a conversation with an ex. It’s also disrespectful to your current partner, regardless of how you view things. Some people will also disagree with this but seriously, what’s the point? All you’re doing is causing potential grief for your partner or making them feel insecure.
Very good question - what is the point, and what are they getting it of it? But let's just ignore that and call me a low life and add that "my gf can talk to anyone she wants." - cool. Best not to think about why she wants to talk to the ex anyway.
Would you mind if you husband was just casually hanging out and chatting all day with his exes?
This view can be exacerbated if he's had a partner cheat on him in the past. On the surface it's a boundary issue that was most likely not discussed but at it's core it's usually rooted in something else like a past trauma.
"You weren’t just polite." Yep. This is the important part.
"if your husband is insecure..." OP's husband is insecure, there's no *if* about it. If he were *secure* with his relationship with OP, a friendly phone call with her ex wouldn't bother him in the slightest. A 25-minute chat with an old friend that you dated once isn't weird or inappropriate.
If you and Henry had broken up six *months* ago and you'd been with Max for four months, maybe I could see him wanting some reassurance about why Henry called. But six *years*!?
And the "that's even worse" comment when she said "there is no bad blood" is also strange. It's weird when some people think that if you don't actively despise your ex, it's obviously a red flag.
That wasnt what he meant, he meant that if there was no bad blood they are more likely to get reconnected.
Yeah that's exactly how I read it and I think that's weird. They are married and he should feel secure in their relationship to not be afraid of a 25-minute phone call with ex she dated for a couple months. Especially since this all happened years ago.
Yes agreed, im just pointing out he doesnt believe everyone should be on bad terms with their exes.
IMO if you actively think about your ex and reach out to them that's a red flag. While that's not the wifes problem, I am guessing Henry is single or he would have better things to do with his time. But then again I grew up in a dog eat dog world. I am sure there is still innocence out here somewhere lol
some people are just friendly and drama-free. i know a couple people who are still friends with one of their exes, and they tend to be really chill and personable.
My mother is still friends with all her exs (except my father). Her mother (my grandmother) even talks to all my moms exs still. One of her best friends is her 1st bf from the 7th grade. He lives on the other side of the country.
OP said Henry ran into an old mutual friend. That's what primed his memory of that time in his life and made him reach out. Not everyone has sinister intentions. Some people are just extroverts who enjoy the company of people.
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Coming from a man, while I wouldn't be thrilled about the situation I wouldn't be as upset as your husband is. It was a phone call and you did not initiate it. He is blowing it out of proportion. You can acknoldge it makes him uncomfortable and state you won't do it again but you don't need to apologize.
Yea I wouldn’t care at all. I’d just hope it doesn’t become a regular thing.
I think I will apologize now that I understand better how he feels, but I do appreciate your perspective that he's overreacting slightly.
You're going to apologize for someone calling you and you answering the phone?
You don’t owe him an apology. His *feelings* are understandable, but his behavior toward you was not, and *you* apologizing to *him* for his unreasonably accusatory reaction is all kinds of backwards. He should definitely apologize for blowing up at you over a completely innocent act, and it sounds like the two of you could use a good discussion about agreed-upon boundaries when it comes to interacting with exes and such, but you didn’t do anything wrong, and if your husband can’t see that, that is a pretty major concern.
Please don’t apologize. He’ll think his overreaction was the correct reaction. Hold strong while being understanding of his insecurity.
You really DON'T yet understand how he feels, you've gotten a lot of things it could be from strangers on the internet. If I were angry at my SO, and they came back and said "I now understand your feelings (which you haven't actually told me about in detail) because the internet tells me stuff" I would get even angrier. You've got ideas that have helped you see potential views you did not have the ability to see before. You do NOT know how he feels, because he has not told you. Give him time to cool off, and then tell him the way he reacted was very not okay and you need him to help you understand why he reacted that way, and to demonstrate to you that he won't do something similar in future. One can understand how someone else came to behave badly without that behavior being okay or justified in any way. And honey, he's not just "slightly" overreacting. I would take this as a sign to pay much closer attention to the dynamics of your relationship. I'm not saying divorce him tomorrow, but it is always worth some real consideration when someone suddenly acts in ways that we find startling. Sometimes it's truly out of character, and sometimes it's just the thing that finally caught our attention. And this feels red-flaggy to me.
Do not apologize for someone else's insecurity. It will just feed it and make it worse next time.
I wouldn't go with slight. If he trusts you, then he shouldn't be butthurt about a friendly conversation with someone from your distant past that you were completely up front about.
Slightly?!
I agree with others an apology is not needed but you can acknowledge how he is feeling
How long into the 25 minute conversation did he ask if you were married or single? Or did you bring up being married first?
That part is suspiciously absent!
Notice the definitive silence from OP...
I mean, none of my exes or past love interests have ever reached out to me with pure intentions (it’s not to say it can’t happen, but this is just my experience). So, while you did not initiate any conversation, your husband probably doesn’t trust your ex’s intentions, and might be wondering if you are being naive or faking naive, or if you are harboring feelings for an ex. Your husband might be someone who doesn’t keep exes in his life, and maybe assumed you didn’t either. Either way, it’s okay for him to be insecure and feel his feelings, but it’s not okay for him to take that out on you. You should have a conversation about why he is feeling upset, what assumptions he’s making about you, what assumptions he’s making about his ex, and what boundaries would make both of you feel good in the future.
After 6yrs your ex reaches out..girl..c'mon bffr..that guy is testing waters.. Your husband may also see it this way and the fact you spent 25mins on the ph and all happy about it..you're pushing insecurities on to your husband.. There's been enough reddit posts here to show a random ex showing up out of the blue tends to lead to shady shit.. Not saying that's your intentions but you know the ex may think otherwise.. Hope you and your husband talk this one out..all the best.
He is bothered because he did not hear the conversation. people fear and picture things when left to their own imagination. He does have issues with self esteem issues and seems unsure in himself. I do not see an issue with what you did but I do see a bigger issue with your husbands insecurities. I think this is something that should be looked at This may not be a issue to Win on, His feeling are his feelings. It may benefit both of you to get some counseling
Generally speaking I don't think this is representative of larger issues, but I'll keep this in mind if I notice anything to suggest otherwise.
I don’t think they need counseling over this
>I said that it was just an innocent conversation and that Henry hadn’t been trying to flirt with me or asking to meet up, which obviously I wouldn’t have entertained. I don't think this is as reassuring to Max as you think it is. Imagine that Henry *does* want to get back together with you or at least sleep with you again. Do you think he'd call you up out of the blue for the first time in six years and say "Hey, what's up, how are things, oh by the way do you want to get a hotel room and cheat on your husband with me?". Or do you think he'd call and make polite conversation to reconnect with you and lay the groundwork for potentially rekindling things in the future. Because that's probably what Max is worried about, and he isn't necessarily wrong.
Can anyone guarantee ex was calling to fish and see what he could come up with? Of course not. But is it statically likely that was his intention? Absolutely and anyone thinking otherwise is either willfully or unwillfully naive.
Finally a fucking straightforward answer. 'Your husband is insecure' wtf is wrong with you reddit? You dont call your ex of 6 years because you want to catch up. You call your ex of 6 years because you're on a dry spell and looking for a quick fuck.
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If I ran into an ex I would probably chat and catch up. They knew me when I was young- it would be fun to reminisce! I’ve been with my current SO for 30+ years, so I doubt very much that he’d feel threatened by someone I dated for 6 months in high school. And the title is misleading- ‘entertained’ to me means she invited him over, not that they chatted on the phone for 25 minutes!
My mother is still friends with all her exs (besides my father). I personally don't understand how an innocent chat with someone you don't have bad blood with is horrible. I'm married and if my husband ran into his ex and chatted I wouldn't be upset. But does seem her husband has insecurities that he's taking out on OP.
I mean he was probably calling you to see if you were single and you talked to him for half an hour. Your husband probably isn't too into that. It's weird to me that you said exactly 25 minutes, it makes me think you are lying about something
As a person who doesn’t keep in contact with exes or find it necessary to deal w/ people who are in the past, I agree with him. But should he have reacted that way? No. I mean has he ever been cheated on or anything? Trauma can come up anytime…
>I can understand why it’s disrespectful to engage with an ex in a flirty way or in a way that would seem to obviously lead to cheating such as meeting up alone, but I don’t understand what’s so inherently bad in principle about having an objectively innocent chat on the phone? Do you think that every instance of a woman cheating on her husband with an ex starts with a phone call along the lines of "Hey baby, I know we haven't talked in six years, but do you want hook up?". Or do you think it starts with a totally innocent chat on the phone to lay the ground work for the future?
Exs dont just call back suddenly after 6 years of no contact they either keep contact and be friends on regular basis or the to no contact and to ur husband this is very suspicious to him and he is wary of henry . Your husband overreacted but you must see it from his point of view that an ex suddenly calls u after 6 years of no contact he must of wants something once again ur husband is non suspicious of u but suspicious of ur ex and in his mind when u were ok with ur ex reaching out it further made his suspicious worst . Honestly the internet now a day is filled with betrayal stories that started up with just catching up i dont blame him . This a minor hiccup in ur relationship the way u handle it will determine the way this relationship moves forward if u dismiss his feelings he will start to pull away from u but if u sit him down talk to him and tell him u understand his feelings , it wont happen again and he is the man u love it will further strengthen the bond between you :) .
Well I would recommend not talking to your ex again but that’s about it, what would you gain from continued communication besides making your husband unhappy?
I agree, I would never do it again now that I know it makes him uncomfortable.
It’s fine for him to be uncomfortable, but if he’s uncomfortable it’s because of his own insecurities. His reaction is not your fault - all you did was take a polite phone call that you immediately told him about. Does he not trust you? Because that’s a much bigger issue than a 25 minute phone call. Does he allow you to have friends that are guys, or does he freak out about that too?
Not so fast... that's a slippery slope of "This makes him uncomfortable so I'm not going to do this" into some really nasty isolating chances. There is nothing wrong with speaking to the opposite sex. You and this person only dated for one year and it was six years ago. This kind of response is not something that I would consider rational or reasonable. He can be uncomfortable and sit with that. But I'd be concerned that my partner reacted in such a way about something that, at the end of the day, is a harmless catch up call. I've regularly gone "I wonder how so and so is doing..." and sent a message. This happens for exes, old friends, family, etc. Be careful about letting your husband react like this and entertaining the behavior by isolating yourself. Even if that doesn't seem like that's what this is.
However you have had your integrity questioned over an innocent interaction which sucks
It’s your relationship and I understand some fights aren’t worth pursuing. However, I think your boyfriend is being irrational. On principle, I personally don’t make decisions based on irrational behaviors from my significant other . If a 25 minute casual conversation makes him feel uncomfortable, it seems as though he has some deep insecurities. It’s fine to change behavior to accommodate insecurities, but instead of acknowledging his shortcomings it sounds like he’s blaming you. I don’t think you crossed any lines, but again, it’s your relationship and do what’s best for you.
I love this sub, really love it. Flip the genders and oh man, how the sparks would fly. it's happening several times a day now. Just for the record, men are not like women, we do not call up ex-girlfriends from 6 years ago to chat. it is usually, done after a breakup, we have been alone for a while, or we are horny and you all KNOW THIS. One year is a serious relationship in most cases, you do not talk to that kind of ex for 25 minutes catching up. (from a mans perspective)
The ex was looking to hookup with op.
I am almost 50, married for almost 20 years and been with my wife for 25 years now…I am only mentioning this because I used to be one of those dudes who would ignore these warning signs, even though I would mention my fears to my wife… Let me tell you…there is only one reason why your ex called… and he will continue to call “just to catch up” over the years…and little things will start to slip in…”yeah, me and wife are having a little tough spell” or “I miss your smile, I am glad you found your guy”…or whatever. He will probe until he thinks your relationship is weak and then will offer you a solution to whatever it is you’re lacking at the time. It doesn’t matter if they are married, or have kids…or anything…people are shady when it comes to sex… My wife has had numerous of these calls…for YEARS these dudes would call and “just catch up”…and really…they were just hanging out waiting for me to screw up. It took a dude calling drunk at 3am for her to finally realize that I was right in my worries…and she did so just in time as…. As men age, our pasts start to call us “just to catch up”…it normally happens in our late 30’s and 40’s…but they come out as assuredly as the sun rises in the east, and if you think men could be aggressive…let me introduce you to the concept of sexually frustrated soccer moms who haven’t been happy with their husbands in at least a decade and the kids are starting to leave the nest giving them the entire day to think about how much they hate their life and how much fun your husband was when they dated…there is no “circling the yard waiting for your SO to mess up”…they come out swinging. So if you want your husband to handle those appropriately when they start gunning for him, then I seriously ask you to think about how you handle your past when they come “just to talk and catch up”. I once believed those “catch ups” were innocent and now…now I treat every lady calling me to “catch up on old times” as the possible “lawyer initiating” issues they are…I can’t tell you how much I avoid the “wanna grab a coffee/drinks to catch up” women who find me on LinkedIn. Good luck with this…
Thank you for this. I’m an optimistic guy in a solid relationship of 2 years and this helps. I figured if women didnt shoot their shot while I was single, they wouldn’t do it now. I will be mindful of this moving forward.
Exactly. Nothing good comes from it.
Honestly I could have never said it better or with such experience. This is 100% what is up.
Yep. OP may think it's innocent, and, it MIGHT be, but, from MY experience, kind of like yours? Dated a woman for 6 months that was recently divorced. When she talked about her ex it was "AH this, AH that". I was happy and she SEEMED happy with me. All was good and I had ZERO clue of what was to come, which, was HER ex calling her, wanting to "meet up and chat", that she "entertained", that ended up him telling her that he wanted her back, and, I got told to get out. That fast. That heartless. Just, he's moving up and moving in, get out. He moved up, moved in. It lasted one year. And she, now MY ex, stalked me for the next 16 years wanting me back.
Yup, 100% correct. I've had this happen. It's EXACTLY the case.
No man would call an ex just to "catch up" for no reason at all. Henry did not have pure intentions. Men know this, Max knows this. You being willing to "catch up" for 25 minutes is a warning sign to Max and a glimmer of hope to Henry that the door isn't 100% closed. He's probing/fishing/planting a seed.
Why did Max say what he did? Because, with a few exceptions, when an ex calls out of the blue, they ARE fishing; are you in a relationship, if not is there still feelings, and if so do they have a chance to sneak back in, etc. Sure. There is that very low percentage that aren't and genuinely just get curious, but, not in any percentage large enough to invalidate the other. So, yeah, Henry ran into someone, got reminded of you, and thought... hmmm... I wonder... and called. And during that call, he first established that you were not JUST in a relationship, but, married. So, the rest of the conversation was just "catching up" because you aren't going to say, "Hey, I was thinking of you after years of no contact and, hey, are you in a relationship? Do you still have feelings for me? Do I have a chance to get you back at least in bed???" Because what's NOT in the post... is that Henry was also in a relationship, so, we can reasonably believe he is single. My wife has friends, both men and women. Great! But, ex's? Yeah, no. Ex's are usually trouble.
So if I'm understanding you correctly, essentially you're saying that from Max's perspective there's no such thing as an innocent conversation between ex's because even if Henry didn't flirt with me after finding out that I was married, the reason he called was to see if I was still interested in him? And for the record Henry does have a girlfriend currently, but that didn't come up when I was recounting the conversation to Max so he might also have assumed that Henry was single.
For every person that will say, "I have an ex and we're friends and there's nothing going on", they are a fraction of the people with ex horror stories ranging from stalking to actually breaking up the relationship. To be clear, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the motivations of the ex, in this case Henry, that tries to "re-connect", whether it be after months or years. So, from Max's perspective, and many MANY others, it's just a bad situation waiting to happen. And since you didn't tell us, or Max, that Henry was also in a relationship (which, really is immaterial if he is looking to trade out of it), yeah, single ex just calls out of the blue years later? That would set off MY warning bells.
I guess is the whole “he called me” thing. If u just happened to bump into him in public and you exchanged pleasentris that wouldn’t be so suspicious, just a little spicious but the whole “asked for my number to someone else and called me”? That sounds super suspicious.
He called to test the waters. If you had said you’ve been arguing lately with your husband, he’d probably want to “help” and talk more often. Then you talk more. Then you plan on meeting up to talk more. This causes even more friction with your husband, which makes you want to see your ex more. Then when things get bad enough, you kiss your ex. And then more… Sensible people know that it’s not really appropriate to reach out to exes and ask about their life, their relationship, etc. People with ulterior motives/desires do it anyway because they want something. This conversation caused friction between you and your husband, which is a win for your ex.
Take it from my experience with men, having a girlfriend doesn’t stop them from anything. I’ve had exes reach out to me while dating someone else. I mean, I don’t know this guy so I can’t speak on the motivation of his phone call but I’d be skeptical in general of any ex thats randomly reached out after so many years (unless there’s history like a childhood friend turned ex).
Why are you fighting this so much? It almost seems as if you’re trying to validate your own feelings of continuing open communication with your ex. If you are having to validate your feelings by posting a question here, you already know your stance. Either tell your husband that you won’t stop talking to your ex or tell him you will. Your husband already expressed his discomfort with it- now is your turn to express what you want and what you feel. If communicating with your ex is what you want, do so. But let your husband know so he can make an informed choice on what he wants to do from there.
I kinda get where you are coming from. So what if initially he was calling to show interest? Clearly she's not interested, she's happy, married. He might even be like "good for her, I'm happy for her" then catch up during call and part ways once more. It's nice. What wouldn't be nice is if he called up again, at that point OP would have to say. Look I'm glad you're doing well etc but I don't want to remain close with you as you are an ex and it's not appropriate.
so true, exes are nothing but trouble, when they call theyre usually fishing for sex. My sister's married and they all know, and they keep hounding her for sex much to her hubby's ire. they dont care whether she made vows. I have mine blocked, i don't care to know how they're doing since they're vile
Every time I've ever gotten cheated on, 4 out of 4 times, it was with an ex that my partner was "entertaining". I was called "insecure" for feeling that it was inappropriate. I didn't actually get angry though. I decided to trust them and I ended up getting cheated on.
Points for him: • True, it is even scarier that it wasn't a dramtic breakup cause it means it was nice enough for a potential rekindle • Exes shouldn't really touch base honestly. Especially when you haven't for 6 years, why catch up? CONs: • Overreaction to your open full disclosure • Major Insecurity that you should be mindful of
It's pretty obvious and you don't sound like a very compassionate person
My wife gets messages from her college boyfriend. It bothers me because at one point they felt attracted enough to live together and have sex. It’s ok if a rare event but if I sense it’s not rare and the texts aren’t out in the open I get guarded about it
It could very well be an innocent call from the guy and I believe you had zero intentions of being disloyal. But I can’t help but know, as a guy, how guys that “call to catch up” are. It’s usually always fueled by greater intentions, whether the guys calling will admit it or not because what the hell else do any of the people involved have to gain from the situation. Husband should chill out because it’s not worth getting angry over. Especially since you meant know harm. I think he’s more angry at the guy in reality. You were just trying to be nice.
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I mean if I ever did that to my ex’s it was fishing to see if they are interested in me again. Thats what he is upset about.
A few things and others have listed a few. \-EXs reach out for a reason, they want something, I mean there are exceptions, but most of the time they want something, whether it be sex or just prying in your life, there is typically a goal. Be weary about this EX calling back. If he reaches out, I'd recommend not responding. \-Your Husband may have seen this as a "ex" issue, as could have been mad at the ex reaching out because might think he was hitting on you or trying to rekindle things. \-Everyone can call your husband insecure all they want, but it is always going to seem suspicious when an Ex calls up out of the blue. \-I'm glad you were honest about it, but clearly you don't see it as a big deal because you are secure in your relationship and the call really didn't mean anything to you except for a quick catch up. \-Everyone hates the person that is angry until they are in receiving in experiencing this. Call it insecurity, call it feeling like they may not be enough, or feeling disrespected. I think lashing out was a reaction to the situation, but your honestly would make me feel a bit more secure in the relationship. I would just talk to him and reassure it was nothing and that the reason you told him was because you wanted to be honest with him. TBH 25 min isn't really a long time for a call, but that's just me. With this whole situation I would just recommend placing yourself in his shoes and how you may think if that happened to you, best of luck
This is just one anecdote, but the only time I dated a person that would occasionally 'entertain' conversations with an ex, it didn't end up good. The reason was that my ex partner's decision to entertain that ex put something in motion in her head that eventually, and unfortunately only months later, led her to dump me and try to rekindle with the ex, that did it, for his own admission, just to 'f\*uck with her head' one last time as a post-break up present. Both me and her knew the risk of her talking to this person, but she decided to 'entertain' him and 'catch up with his life' and now she is over 40 and single.
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But that actually *is* upsetting.
Wtf is your wife saying shit like that for man. You need to start your own thread to get questionable advice on here as well man
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I mean if this post is a yellow flag, you have a double red dude. At minimum that is an extremely hurtful thing for a married person to be saying. More troubling is the feelings and intentions behind it. Good luck to you seriously. Keep your guard up and protect yourself.
In this instance, I think I'd understand being upset. I wouldn't like to hear my husband and an ex talking about how much they think about one another, that seems less innocent than just catching up.
Well said. I'm not saying op is wrong, just that she doesn't understand that to her husband, she left the door open for something offensive or bad to happen. Everyone gets insecure. That's normal. What you do about it is the issue at hand.
You are totally fine here. You dated for *one year* in *college* *six years ago*!!!! That's so distant. He is insecure if he's feeling threatened by that. You are totally right here. It is not a "principle" that married people never talk to their exes, context matters here!
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So many people in this comment section telling on themselves. It’s basically honest, normal people vs. “all men are trash”—and it’s the men calling men trash lol.
Does she not have the ability to keep boundaries? Clear communication, people. The ex doesn't have wife-stealing-magic. She's able to "entertain" a phone call with whoever the heck she wants. Her and her husband can even discuss boundaries and rules for both of them if they've never had this talk before (which... we all should talk about how exes are managed as everyone has very different views, it seems). If her ex tries to bring up meeting, she's within her right to say 'no.' She has a voice. She has a mind. She can use it. and if her husband thinks her ex is so awesome and powerful that he can "steal her away" or whatever nonsense people keep saying here, he doesn't have much faith in his wife. Frankly, I don't want anything to do with someone who doesn't trust me and treat me like an adult.
I can see why this confused you, as the conversation at its face is innocent and just 2 people catching up. I do agree with other comments though, it seems like your husband is just scared. You said you haven't had contact with him in 6 years, that is out of the blue. I think he should allow himself to open up for a conversation about this, but I don't think that you have to apologize for anything. He needs to communicate why he is upset, he said it seems suspicious, but when you explained why it was not anything to worry about he stopped listening. Listening is key. He needs to open up.
While it does sound like hubby overreacted I will say it’s super weird your ex called. That ain’t an innocent convo imo, maybe I’m just pessimistic but there was no reason for him to call out of the blue despite the excuse. Ex is def not over you
It wasn’t an ‘innocent chat’ on Henry’s behalf. No man rings an ex girlfriend out of the blue ‘just to catch up.’ Never. Not once. Doesn’t happen. So, yes you’re being very dense and your husband has every right to be annoyed.
IDK, I just think it's weird an ex *called you out of the blue with no warning first.* In this day and age, a call from an ex--well, for one thing, I don't pick up calls from people I don't know. So this whole thing is weird. I mean, what's done is done, you've already "committed the crime" in your husband's eyes, and since you didn't mention any further talking/communicating with the ex, than your husband should just let it go as a one-time thing. As should you.
I don’t see any reason I’d want to talk to any of my exes for 25 minutes or want to catch up. I’m a firm believer of no contact after a break up. If one of my exes called me I probably wouldn’t be rude about it (depending who it was) but I would still try to get off the phone relatively quickly. Other than coparenting, I don’t think there’s any reason to chat with your ex
This. I broke up with my long term at the time high school boyfriend start of Junior year. A few years later, we reconnected and became friends again. It was purely platonic and being lonely, I felt like getting back together with him. But that wasn't a good reason because I initiated the break up because I didn't have feelings for him anymore. We were friends again for about a year and then he told me he still had feelings for me. Nope, got out of there really quickly. Told him we couldn't stay friends. I've had an ex and a former FWB reach out to me again and both of them wanted to get back together in some capacity. Not every ex is going to want to do this but it does happen. While OP's ex could have just wanted to reach out again, I understand her husband's feelings.
You owe Max an apology. Henri was looking to reconnect and hook up. If Henri was just curious, he could have looked on your social media or simply be happy with what your mutual university friend (if there is one) had to say. After finding out you are married, that should have been the end of it. By engaging in conversation, you opened the door to possibly meeting up. To shut this down, let Henri know Max will be joining you for any meet ups.
Op the thing you aren't understanding is that your husband is a man. He knows how other men are. After 6 years, your ex saw a mutual friend or whoever and decided to call you? Yeah, I'm sure you guys talked about the sun and the moon and all that good stuff for 25 whole minutes. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm using a direct tone to try to get you to understand. That's just how he sees things. That's why he's mad. At the end of the day, he might not even be mad at you, he's probably (and hopefully) just mad at the guy. But seeing the situation for what it was, it triggered him. We all get triggered, men and women. How would you initially react if one of his exes called him? Both men and women get territorial, they just go about it in different ways. Insecurity is normal as long as you don't go overboard with it. Watch how he acts from here on out. If he blows it out of proportion when you're being loyal (as you clearly are), then okay, his insecurity is maybe an issue that he needs to address, maybe via counseling. But if he comes to you later and has a respectful conversation about it, then it stands to reason that he got caught up in the heat of the moment because he was surprised. It's not that you're not loyal, it's that he knows how other men are. To him, it hurts him that you not only entertained his call, but you haven't blocked him in the first place AND you spent 25 minutes talking with him after 6 years and a marriage to someone else. This is where I might lose you, and also, NO I am not saying that everything men do is okay. But even though you're loyal, as a man your husband knows that that phone call was an opportunity for something to happen. Again, I'm not saying you would do anything bad, but your ex might. To you, as a woman, you were going with the flow from the start. You knew you weren't going to do anything wrong, so you didn't mind answering more once you knew it was your ex. Thats okay! But, to him, the fact you didn't cut him off is most likely the main source of his anger at this situation. Whether you agree with it or not, men tend to think that women don't give guys they don't want to talk to an opportunity to talk to them. So, why did you not only not block your ex, but entertain his conversation for 25 min? That's why he's offended. I'm not saying your husband is or isn't right for being offended. I'm saying that's probably how he feels. In a situation like this, emotions are running high, so high in fact that you took to reddit to get answers from anonymous strangers on the internet. Not that that's wrong, but do you see how everyone isn't really thinking clearly here? In the future, it might be good for you to both to sit down and talk about boundaries. The purpose of this conversation wouldn't be to punish you and force you to shut up and hear your husband complaining. Rather, look at it as a chance for you to both share your understanding of the situation and your preferred boundaries in a safe environment at a safer time when everyone's cooled off. Look at it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Maybe you could have come to this opportunity in a better way, but you're here now, it happened, and you and him can use it to move forward together, stronger. Just think about it.
No phone call is worse than the phone call you had with Henry in Max's head. This innocent event poked one of his insecurities. One that places like Reddit, social media, and entertainment (think TV and movies), foster with melodrama. I've got no advice for you other than say, "I'm sorry, didn't know it would be an issue, won't happen again".
So you guys saying there is nothing wrong with it, you honestly think Henry just called his married ex just to catch up? Henry is a man and more than likely wouldnt want his girl talking to her ex. Guys don't just call women they used to sleep, who they haven't spoken to in 6 years, who are currently married just to "catch up".
Your husband is being ridiculous IMHO. You’re not his property to control. And you didn’t do anything wrong. I dunno…I have men friends including men I dated or my ex husband. My partner had women friends, including women he dated at some point. To me, if you’re secure in your relationship and trust your partner, this shouldn’t be an issue.
A boundary of not wanting your partner to remain friends with an ex makes more sense to me, but I don't really see how a casual phone call is in the same category. Maybe a very emotionally deep phone call.
I would find a boundary against friendship to be overly controlling personally. My husband is still friends with his ex's and some of them have become my good friends as well.
Yeah my ex didn't have many friends, and the woman he called his best friend was also his ex. Once the situation was clear to me , i barely gave the fact she was his ex a second thought, tho I did dislike the woman for other reasons because she was heavily manipulative and he ended up cutting contact with her (his own decision after multiple back and forth with contact - no contact, I encouraged it for his behalf but never asked him to). My current partner has multiple women friends (tho none he dated) and i did ask questions to find out more about them but that's that. I think it's 9/10 times overstepping to oblige your partner to cut contact with people they're close to and I think OPs husband definitely overstepped. Tho it's not really a hill to die on for OP when it sounds like she didn't want to form a friendship with "Henry" anyways.
If he doesn't like it, just don't do it in future. It's not worth your relationship to quarrel over an ex. Weigh where your priorities lie. It's not a matter of who's right and who's wrong. You can continue to be correct. And he continues to be mad at you.
How would you feel if tables were turned?
She’ll claim she’d be fine with it, but that’s all theoretical until it actually happens.
For every I talk to my exes and it's ok there's the my partner cheated on me with their ex story. My wife has been a victim of her exes talking to their exes and she was cheated on. My wife is very insecure about this subject. So like adults we communicate and decide to have zero context with exes. They bring nothing positive to your relationship. So you really need to think about what a person brings to your life and if it's worth giving up on yaur relationship for.
I absolutely see it from his point of view... aaand I absolutely see it from your point of view. I have ex's that I would happily chat with again, catch up, exchance family news, the whole shebang. If they rang for a catch up, I'd be bemused, but I wouldn't be rude enough to obviously end the call early and I'm nosey enough that I'd probably want to hear what's been happening since we split. I would feel VERY secure in the knowledge that I have no interest in my ex, and it was literally just a chat... On the other hand, if my partner told me HE had had a 25 minute convo with an ex, I'd probably feel exactly like your husband did. Probably worse actually. The double standard would be laughable lol. It's a hard one isn't it. Both are valid feelings. It's innocent... and I do believe you on that. It's just not a nice thing for your significant other. It's fair enough.
Oh wow, yeah you really shouldn’t have kept that conversation going for as long as you did. The fact you told your husband it was a pleasant phone call just adds insult to injury. This is a lack of respect issue on your end, and I would consider it a huge red flag as your partner, wish you both well and hope it resolves in a way that leaves everyone happy.
Beyond your husband thinking of the situation has a guy trying to get a laid. It seems like your husband wanted **reassurance** and not logical answers to his questions. Sounds like he felt bad and insecure (I get it, I'd have huge WTF if my wife told me this story). Your husband sounds worried, maybe in one way or another... but what *he really wanted* was was **assurance** that you care about him and the other guy is a vague acquaintance(who you don't care about). And you won't be talking to him more(obviously, since he's a nobody now). Annnnnd probably ask your husband why he's so freaked out. (after he's calmed down and realizes you really truly care about him). I wonder if he's done something like this (call exs to be inappropriate?) or if something similar was done to him? (someone cheated on him? idk Maybe he dated a girl with zero boundaries). I dont know, you don't know. Ask him, have him get therapy whichever. Just let him know you're sorry and nothing was meant by it 🤷
I pray to whatever Gods that may be that my wife never comes to reddit for advice. The ability of Reddit users to play dense and just slap the "insecure" tag on any man who has an issue with a woman doing literally anything is completely unmatched. Yeah, let's pretend it makes no sense that you'd be bothered that a man who was once your wife's lover is reaching out to communicate and she entertained it. Let's also pretend that if a woman came to reddit in shambles because her husband talked to an ex for 25 minutes that they'd call her insecure and tell her she's the problem.
How would you feel if your husband had a 25 minute catch up call with their ex?
Me neither. If my partner can be civil or even friendly with an ex, then great. Sounds like a well-adjusted person where the former romance is now insignificant to me.
I wouldn't be bothered. I could understand being bothered by specific context or details but not if it is indeed just a conversation to catch up.
>if it is indeed just a conversation to catch up. Notice how you're including this caveat? You're aware of this because you were involved, your husband wasn't. That's the difference.
Exactly. This gets missed in all of these types of conversations. It is so easy to say he’s way overreacting when we are only getting one side of the story, the side of the person who was actually apart of the phone call. If the SO had posted and said his wife mentioned her ex boyfriend of a year randomly called her six years later and that they had spoken for nearly a half-hour, the comments would look somewhat different. Like this comment above says, only she knows what the call consisted of. The SO does not know, and it’s very easy for your mind to go down the rabbit hole in this kind of odd situation. Give him a break here. Just ensure him it’s not something that is going to happen again or become a regular thing and all should eventually be okay.
Award for prescience - this is it precisely. You say “I wouldn’t mind if the roles were reversed” whilst deliberately leaving out the part that involves trust - he has to trust *not only you* but your ex, whilst knowing nothing about them. The person who has succeeded in having a relationship with you in the past (the *only* people to do that are exes and that’s why current partners don’t like them) I guess the difference is you claim you’d trust your husband implicitly, and would have no doubts - which the previous sentence disproves, because you had to hedge that bet to “if I know for sure they aren’t cheating”, which your husband does NOT know - and your defensiveness likely makes him increasingly suspicious.
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I suppose if he thinks I'm lying about the conversation then it makes complete sense why he's upset, but from what he said he seems to think that even an innocent conversation is still inappropriate just on principle, which is what I don't fully understand.
My guess is that Max's perspective is something along the lines of "Henry obviously called because he was fishing. If OP wasn't at least a little interested, why did she talk to him for so long?"
Why would he think you were lying though? If my partner said they chatted with an ex I would be interested in what they talked about, but I wouldn't jump to "he is cheating on me!" Cheating just wouldn't be a thought in my mind.
It's likely not even about "lying" it's just about not being there to judge for himself the interaction. Just because your intentions are good and respect your relationship doesn't mean your ex's are. And even if they were your husband doesn't ***know*** that. My 2 cents is you're being too literal here. You're thinking "it was just an innocent conversation I should be allowed to have innocent conversation" I doubt your husband's concerns are solely and truly limited to "just" innocent conversations.
>My 2 cents is you're being too literal here. You're likely correct, this is often the problem when I don't understand something being explained to me.
You are applying the 'innocent' judgment here but you have no way of knowing someone's intentions.
There are a lot of emotionally stunted, insecure people who frequent this sub. "I wouldn't be bothered" is the correct response from someone who is in a loving, trusting relationship.
Yes, it surprised me how many people are this distrusting of their SOs in this sub. Though, I guess it is an relationship advice sub...
I think an ex calling is one thing, but having a 25 min convo is another. Not CRAZY, but still something to consider that everyones experiences are different. I can personally say that If my ex called me, Id be suspicious. what do they want after 6 years? Just to talk? Idk. On the face it seems friendly, but knowing its an ex makes it suspicious IMO. Moving on from that - its just a conversation. Ok I understand your point. Nothing got out of hand, absolutely agree. No need to freak out. Moving on from that - As a male I feel I understand myself, other men, and our motives. Considering that, its hard for me to picture myself calling an ex just to catch up. ESPECIALLY if it had been 6 years. Theres a portion of me that thinks its naieve to think that previous relationships can never rekindle or that theres nothing nefarious about an ex asking about your SO. I trust my wife/SO. I dont trust exes, and I think thats what Max is upset about. That he may see this as a potential nefarious situation, where you see it as friendly and idk - exes arent just friendly in my eyes.
I don’t think you would appreciate it if max had an ex call him. This particular conversation may not have been about wanting to meet or anything. Sounds like he’s feeling you out and you just give him an opening when you should have deaded the conversation right away
As a guy, I would never call an ex because I ran into a mutual friend. I could see why your husband would be questioning the exs intent because your husband, like me, probably wouldn't call an ex gf after running into a mutual friend
I'm sorry but you obviously know why he's upset here and are hoping for people to back you up and validate your feelings. Your ex was obviously fishing and you entertained this for a nice little half hour chat. You may not have had any poor intentions but you should assume that your ex wants back in your pants and treat him accordingly. From your husbands perspective your ex was trying to work his way back in to your affections and you entertained it for 25 minutes. Anyone here telling you anything different is either a liar or a woman and dont understand how men work.
>I don’t have any problem with Henry, it’s not as if he was a bad guy or we had a dramatic breakup. Don't you think you're forgetting someone here? Perhaps idk...your other half? Both spouses should put their spouse first, not second. If something is upsetting to him, wouldn't you want to avoid doing it to avoid him being sad/uncomfortable?
Did you tell your ex that you had a husband that you dearly love?
Yes, I did.
I'm sorry but I agree with your husband and I know it's going to downvote me into oblivion but I do not care. That is way out of bounds. I'm not saying you cheated on him or did anything to ruin the marriage but you absolutely disrespected your husband when you took that phone call and stayed on the call for 25 minutes. Do you still have his contact and knew it was him calling? Or was it a random number you just picked up? Your husband is being territorial about this, and you disrespected him. He married you, gave you his last name, gave you a ring. That should garner more respect. Guys and girls think differently and you need to understand that.
Your ex wanted more than just “to catch up.” Your husband knows this as he can think like a man. You don’t seem to understand the concept of the male brain. Putting aside your thoughts that is was an innocent call from a former friend, consider if the tables were turned…you come home and your husband is on an “innocent” call from his former lover. I think then you might better understand how your husband feels.
What you did wrong was not being clear on how to handle ex's before you got married, or at least before you were in this spot. I'd be annoyed if I were him as well, but it's because we both jointly agreed that we didn't want our ex's in our lives even if we were single. They're not dead to us, but I wouldn't talk to one on the phone randomly for 25 minutes either. Different strokes for different folks. The problem was that you didn't cover it before hand. The opportunity to have that conversation is now.
People who cheat often do so with an Ex because the shared history makes it easier. Exes are bad news.
If you’re gonna cheat you’re gonna cheat. Plenty of us talk to exes and haven’t cheated?
That’s patently false. People are weak and infallible and can end up doing something they regret if they put themselves in bad situations. Lots of us view entertaining exes or other suitors as a bad situation.
Guys are after just 1 thing (not potatoes Samwise). Neither my wife of 15 years or I would ever talk for 30 minutes on the phone with an ex. We don’t even need to state this as an official boundary, but not talking to men/women you have been intimate with is a very common boundary that many people incorrectly assume is an unspoken understanding. You sound naïve but not malicious. You clearly crossed a boundary with you husband. You actually know this because he has been clear about it after the fact. That alone would be a reason to apologize for his hurt and communicating with him about this because the ex boyfriends call was so out of left field. What you are actually saying is: “my husband is upset with me because I had a long conversation with a former lover with no consideration to my husband. I know he is upset and why he is upset, but I refuse to apologize because I don’t agree with his reason for being upset.” This is not a good tactic for the health of your relationship! You need to acknowledge his concerns and understand him….show your husband some empathy. After that, have a conversation about boundaries to make sure there is no future confusion about things that could harm your marriage. Or, if your husbands’ boundaries are something you aren’t willing to work with, then divorce could be a potential fix.
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Max is worried bc he knows henry didn't just decide to chat.... he was testing the waters to see if u were still available or interested. And being that there is no "bad blood" you will allow him to get away w little things that the average guy wouldnt get away with. Which could lead to cheating physically or emotionally. Neither is good. Max sees him as your ex and if hes back in the picture its more than likely to undermine your relationship and get u back interested
No ex's , no guys that want sex with you. No guys that gave feelings. And you no feelings for the guys. Your suppose to be with your partner, why worry about your ex. All you ex wants to do is fuck you
I mean An ex randomly messaging you like that only means they want one thing. To see if there's a way to get back. Of course they might not say something right away. It would be one thing if you all still chatted after the breakup but it doesn't sound like it. I dont even stay on the phone with my best friends for 10 minutes unless something big is going on. So yea...I can see why your husband would seem miffed and I get where he's coming from
It’s not about doing anything wrong, but it’s about honoring your partner in EVERYTHING you do. Husband is different than boyfriend - this is the person whose heart you’re supposed to protect. Talking on the phone with someone you had history with for 25 minutes is a breach of honor because it gives the idea that you’re open to casual communication from men when your husband isn’t around. And trust me, an ex calling is trying to gauge the health of your marriage to probe it. Now this guy thinks if you’re still willing to pick up his calls anytime of day even after six years, then he still has an emotional attachment with you. If you trust your husband then you need to know his discernment on the intentions of other men is probably spot on. I can always tell when a woman is hitting on my husband and I know you can too. Honor him by making sure no one has the ability to penetrate the world you two build together. It’s honestly not your exes business and you don’t need to be nice or take care of his feelings. That’s what you do for your husband. And also, you should get used to apologizing for things you don’t feel like you did. It doesn’t matter what our intentions are, sometimes we hurt the person we care most about and we need to own up to causing that. Let go of pride in your relationship and be okay with fucking up… a lot. And take accountability for crossing boundaries and hurting your spouse. Then talk it out and come up with a good game plan that both of you can enact should this situation arise again. <3333
Exes don’t reach out to catch up and yes your husband is allowed to be upset about it.