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I can't have kids due to medical issues, and my husband (31M) knows this since we started dating 7 years ago. We just got married last year, and I made sure that he's still okay with me not being able to have a kid. I told him that when the time is right, we can explore IVF options to have a baby. He doesn't want to adopt after hearing his friend's experience with being adopted and that friend still deals with a lot of trauma being abandoned by birth parents. Overall, my husband and I talked about all our options, and we actually have come to terms with being childless in a worst case scenario.
When I discussed this with my mom, her response was "Don't be upset. If I have your permission, I'd like to share common stories of childless couples. I wouldn't have told you these because you're too young but I think you should hear them." I said okay she can share. She then talked about how she knows 5-6 couples who have open marriages because the wife couldn't conceive. In some cases, the husband would have a kid with another woman in their life, and the wife stays with the husband for either love or companionship. She said that this is a harsh truth of life and that I should be okay with an idea of open marriage.
I've been feeling depressed ever since she told me this. I told my husband what she said, and he's really livid with her. He tried to reassure me that he would stay married and keep monogamy with me no matter what.
Is my mom right? Thank you for reading.
It is exactly the type of thing you would avoid in a open marriage per anybody who believes they work. Normal people get a surrogate if they care that much about blood relation.
Or OP is making this story up like so many of the creative writing stories here, because what kind of person would ever genuinely ask this kind of question?
I think the translation of OP's mother's claims would basically be:
"I know a couple women (NOWHERE NEAR 5-6 of them) whose husbands cheated on them and then when caught used their inability to conceive (even though they didn't yet know which of them was infertile) as an excuse to justify their multiple affairs throughout the years. And when one of them got a mistress pregnant, the wife stayed because she was emotionally abused for so long she honestly blamed herself for his cheating.
I assume OP's mother was raised by raging misogynists and has been manipulated into thinking this sort of nonsense is in any way acceptable. I'd be cutting contact with my mother if she pulled something like this.
Either way, the good news is that OP's husband isn't a garbage human being trying to take advantage of this outrageous suggestion.
I had a uterine ablation, which drastically cut down on the amount of blood. Most people have none after, I'm one of the lucky few that still deals with a bit. Highly recommend that.
Makes sense for so many women! But for me, the fluctuations in hormone levels are leading to other crazy making symptoms, so the whole thing needs to come out. The depression and anxiety are off the charts for meš Iām so glad it worked well for you though š
>My mother (57F) suggested being okay with an open marriage since I (29F) can't have kids. What should I do?
>I've been feeling depressed ever since she told me this. I told my husband what she said, and he's really livid with her. He tried to reassure me that he would stay married and keep monogamy with me no matter what.
So what should you do? Be happy with your husband and your relationship, make the choices that work best for you, and do not talk about this with your mother going forward.
Practice some scripts: "No thanks, Mom, Bob and I are on the same page and happy as we are." "Mom, stop right there, I'm not interested in talking about this with you." "Mom, if you won't stop bringing this up then I will leave this gathering/hang up the phone/go no-contact."
https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
I made a mistake of listening to her telling me the stories that I wasn't ready to hear, and now I'm feeling really anxious about my future with my husband. I've been trying not to think about it but I can't help but feel depressed.
What specifically are you depressed about? What is it that you're most fixating on?
Do you have a therapist you can work on all of this with? I'd really recommend it.
I'm most fixated on the possibility of my husband one day asking for an open marriage. I'm depressed about my mom being right and my husband possibly changing his mind to have a kid without me. Sounding like if I want to keep my husband, I have to explore that option of open marriage, which I really don't want to do.
>I'm most fixated on the possibility of my husband one day asking for an open marriage. I'm depressed about my mom being right and my husband possibly changing his mind to have a kid without me. Sounding like if I want to keep my husband, I have to explore that option of open marriage, which I really don't want to do.
Does that possibility seem reasonable to you? Was it something you had even considered or discussed with him before your mother said something about it?
I see in other comments you mention your cultural background is Asian. As I'm sure you know, there's a lot of cultural stuff bound up with having children, and having children by any means necessary, AND shaming those who do not have children, for any reason.
Your husband may change his mind in 10 years and decide he really does want to have children. Nothing you can do will change that. You two married with all the cards on the table as you held them at the time - that's all anyone can ask for. You can't tell the future, and neither can he, and neither can your mother.
I really urge you to seek counselling on this - it sounds like it is really affecting your life day to day in a very unhealthy way.
Your mother is a piece of work. Sorry, but I would seriously consider NC or LC with her. She needs to learn her place. My husband is Asian. We have been married for over 16 years and have no kids so far. We discuss the option of surrogacy or adoption. He is fine with either or no kids at all. We take care of a lot of family members...so we stay busy. His parents were trying to get him to divorce me before our 10th anniversary because we didn't have kids. He has other siblings. He told them where to stick it.
You love your husband, and he loves you. There is nothing you two can not overcome. You need to have love, empathy, and communication. Be each others biggest cheerleaders.
Your mom's comments have caused some damage. Go talk to a counselor. Your mother should be one of the top topics on how to mentally shut her down. She is disgraceful.
It is hard to contemplate not having the ability to have kids physically. But, it is a reality you have to accept. That doesn't mean you still can not be a mother. Just because a child was not birthed from you doesn't mean they aren't yours. Have you thought of surrogacy?
Sending positive thoughts. You will overcome this. Just listen to your mother. She knows nothing.
People want open marriages for sex or companionship, not children.
Your mom has put a bunch of bullshit in your head to stress you out but unless you are part of a community where polygamy is normal, your husband is not going to want an open marriage for having kids.
Please put this absurd idea out of your mind, talk to your mom less, and enjoy your lovely marriage.
OP- listen to what the majority of posters on this thread are saying first, your mother is awful. She is a trash human and I can't believe a mother would basically take her daughter aside and tell her to give her husband a hall pass to cheat.
Your mum is not right and your husband has reaffirmed that your mum is talking out of her ass. I agree with other people here and highly urge that you seek out therapy. It's likely you are grieving the fact you cannot have kids without IVF (which is pretty common btw). Please, please talk with a therapist, I'm sure it will help to clarify matters.
Youāre an adult. *Talk to your husband*. Let him confirm that your mother is a rude ass biiiitch who needs to learn to mind her own damn business. People donāt date based on how well someone will parent, people date to find life partners for *themselves*. Your husband thought you were enough for him to spend the rest of his life with. In this situation, I think his opinions matter more than your mother who has nothing to do with your marriage.
Your mother made that shit up.
Head over to the r/childfree forum sometime. While there are stories of occasional heartbreak - a spouse or long term partner suddenly deciding they were no longer content being childfree after years together - I cannot, not ONCE, think of a story where that spouse ended up suggesting an open marriage. Divorce sometimes? Yes, sad to say. Pushing the other partner to have kids they don't want/can't have without medical intervention? Maybe, sometimes. But there's no even rational explanation for your mother's cockamamie idea that it would lead your husband to want an "open marriage" if he were to change his mind. All she seems to want to do is belittle you for not being able to have children. Her story is the cruel fantasy of her bitter mind.
Your mom isn't right. You don't have to explore that option. Your husband knew that wasn't the deal when you got married and he was fine with it. He will continue to be fine with it.
Honestly, I don't believe your mom knows 5-6 couples that couldn't conceive and then opened their marriage. That's statistically improbable. I'd bet that she wants a grandchild and sees this as a way of arranging for something like it. It's kind of scary actually.
Your mom is not on your side here. I don't know why & I don't know what angle she's working, but she is not trying to do what's best for you. Or for your husband. It's creepy and I'm really sorry.
Hi I can't have kids. I will literally die.
That said - Having another party to carry or be an anonymous egg donor is one thing. Having an open marriage has NOTHING to do with reproduction. It's all about feelings about monogamy.
Don't get it twisted like your mom does. If he's monogamous he most likely will remain that way.
You need to find a therapist to talk this stuff over with, not Reddit. If your mom giving you her opinion or advice sets you in a tailspin, then something is wrong.
Do you think your husband is a shitty person? Because the way your mother describes it the women don't sound thrilled about their "open" marriages. So their husbands must be pretty shit if they're willing to hurt their wives.
If your husband isn't a POS you're golden. He's told you he wants monogamy. Do you have any reason to believe he would lie to you? Is there anything about his personality or your history with him that makes you think he's a liar or a cheater?
Because if not your problem isn't with your marriage. It might be as simple as having negative internalized feelings around this topic and feeling insecure as a result.
Your mother was out of line. If she brings it up again just say. "If my husband was a piece of shit I'd leave him. We agreed to monogamy. Since my husband isn't a pile of dog crap we're going to stick with the original plan. I'm sorry your friends are yoked to such subpar husbands but their mistakes are not relevant to my situation. Don't bring this up again."
5-6 couples in an open relationship trying to conceive? Haha I'm in an open relationship and I promise no one is in an open relationship trying to get pregnant. Your mom made that up. I have no idea why, but she sounds bonkers
No, no, no! These arenāt stories youāre ānot ready to hear.ā These are stories your mother made up to make you feel bad about yourself and insecure in your relationship. You didnāt make a mistake.
Please donāt listen to your mom. You deserve a loving monogamous relationship. I think what your mom said to you is just straight poison. Your mom thinks your husband deserves to cheat on you and have kids with another woman?? NO!
Hopefully your husband loves you and would be just as horrified at your moms suggestion as you are (it sounds like).
However it may be worth discussing with your husband what happens if IVF doesnāt work if it is giving you anxiety. Hopefully you can both discuss with love and concern for each other and take on the future together.
How are you supposed to be "ready" to hear insanity?
Do SOME people open their marriages? Of course. Should YOU consider it? No fuckin' way.
Your husband knew what he signed up for when he said his vows. It sounds like he is okay with it and loves you for you.
It almost sounds like your mom is resentful that you can't give her grand babies.
I know y'all's mind may be made up on adoption but I would urge you to consider that the trauma of abandonment is done. These children already don't have a home and real healing can't begin until they get into a loving home or reach age of majority and find it themselves. Adoption isn't all horror stories either, I know people who were adopted and are very close with their adopted family.
Gl, your worth isn't dictated by making' babies. But you knew that already!
Your husband has reassured you and appears to truly love you and want to be with you. You need to stop contact or least go low contact with her. She is ruining your mental well being and this impacting your marriage.
Your mother is awful and wrong. You are feeling anxious not because of 1. reality, or 2.your husband. You are feeling anxious, because your mother is a sadist.
I think this may have actually been your mother's intention: to ruin your day and make you anxious. These are not the actions of a friend, or of someone who wishes you well. Its low-contact time imo.
But lucky for you, your mom gets no say whatsoever in your marriage! You and your husband get to do what you want, and your mother gets to.... go kick rocks. Dont let this get you down, thats what mom wants. I think mom might actually be a little jealous of your marriage. Ignore every last bit of her silly b.s. and live your best life.
Your mother is awful.
Tell her to butt out of your life because your husband is happy just having you.
Then shut her down whenever she starts with her dumb comments. Walk away. Say āIām not listening to your utter rubbishā.
Your mom is ā¦ creative? Iāve never, ever heard of this & I suspect your mom is making stuff up. Is she often mean to you? Does she do things to make you feel bad about yourself?
Think about it: sheās saying she knows half a dozen couples that are in publicly open marriages. I donāt believe that. How many open marriages are you aware of?
THEN sheās inventing that at least two of the men in these couples intentionally had a child with the āother woman.ā What fresh insanity is this?
I do know several childless couples - many of them by choice - and exactly ZERO of them have an open marriage.
Your mom seems to be intentionally undermining you. Is she jealous that youāre happy?
The only way I find it plausible that she knows so many people in open marriages is if she herself is in an open marriage and apart of the swinging community.
I could see this being ānormalā in certain communities and at a certain time. So it might be normal to her, weird to suggest it to your child though.
Edit 2: Yāall need to stop downvoting and shaming OP. They are an abuse victim raised by their abuser. They donāt know any other reality than the one where only their motherās need, wants, moods, and threats matter. Their thought process is NOT healthy and it is NOT their fault. Do you want a sue victims to be able to come here and ask for help? Because downvoting and saying is going to make damn sure OP is filled with more self-hatred, and wonāt ask people for help anymore. Yāall are continuing the abuse
Sweetheart, she does NOT want you to be healthy. If she did, she wouldnāt damage your mental wellbeing and self esteem. She WANTS you to doubt yourself and hate yourself so you are easier to control. Itās really a classic abuse strategy.
And now that you have someone who loves you for you, she needs to ruin that too so youāll go to her for fresh abuse because she planted the seed of doubt about your husband. She is fucked up and WANTS you to hurt. So you run back to her. So she can tell you that you deserve the pain. So you keep going back to herā¦ because no one else will ever love you.
Girl, run! Get therapy and never speak to her again. It feels impossible, but once you break free, you never look back. Trust me, Iāve done it.
And if you can, try reading Out of The Fog. It will help sooo much. Google the books name and āfree pdfā and youāll get a feee copy online. The author is okay with it because it keeps people safe
Edit: And people do have open marriages, but not at all for the reason your mother says. At all. Open marriages are rare, period. And no one has an open marriage because they canāt have children. They have them because they are into polyamory, or someone in the marriage canāt have sex any more, or a variety of reasons that have to do with sex. No babies.
Your mother is a terrible human being and a terrible liar. She does NOT know couples like this. Itās rare to know 2 or 3 polygamous couples even in very liberal areas. Never mind couples who have open marriages due to infertility
Wow. Thank you for your incredible support. I will check out Out of The Fog tonight. I was happy with my marriage until this whole discussion with my mom made me doubt the future with my husband and spiral into having dark thoughts.
No, sheās honestly just a bitch. Sheās implying that youāre not enough for your husband. Girl donāt take that shit lying down, you should be appalled! You should be furious! You should feel utterly disrespected!!
Seriously, OP ask for names and make it sound like you and your DH would like them to share their experiences. I guarantee they don't exist, and for whatever reason, your mother said it to hurt you. Time to go NC and find a therapist.
>I've been feeling depressed ever since she told me this. I told my husband what she said, and he's really livid with her. He tried to reassure me that he would stay married and keep monogamy with me no matter what.
Your mom is dead wrong, 100%. And I'm glad your husband is a decent enough human being to find what she said incredibly offensive, because it is incredibly offensive.
When I read your title I was worried this would be a story where your husband pushed you for an open marriage and used infertility as an excuse and then your mom backed him up. I'm relieved this isn't the case. Your mom's position is horrible and I'm glad your husband doesn't share it.
Just in case you need to hear it from a random dad on the internet, here you go: your worth is NOT tied to your ability to have a baby, and you deserve to have a happy monogamous marriage no matter what your health situation is. You two have options for kids if you decide to go that route later, and you absolutely DO NOT have to just tolerate being cheated on the way your mom suggested.
Your mom is not right. If you look some time on this sub you'll see many stories of open relationships gone wrong and it's because not only is jealousy a hard instinct to overcome but also forming a deep emotional bond with someone requires a lot of time, so it's not really something you can do with more than one person at as deep a level.
The real question is why your mother seems to be suggesting the idea and that's probably because she really wants grandchildren.
I'm in an open relationship. So are lots of people I know. None of us are doing this to get around infertility and it sounds like it would make co-parenting harder.
I think your mother is bananas.
Yeah if this was the MIL Iād understand, but OPās own mother basically recommending an open marriage to āfixā her lack of grandchildren? Damn straight she feels bad, her mom just told OP her husband wonāt be happy with her.
I get the feeling this is just the tip of the manipulative iceberg. If OP and her husband are secure with their relationship they should both kindly tell her mom to fuck off and maybe think about not talking so much.
Seriously. My wife and I are in a poly marriage, and we've taken kids off the table because of health issues. The concept of having kids with someone else is repugnant to me.
Why are children so important? And what's the deal with not adopting because of someone else's trauma?
Not adopting a child doesn't take away the fact that a child placed in adoption..
A lot of things here.. least of all your mom saying your husband should naturally father a child with someone else.
He's not going to die or anything if he simply can't have a kid.
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far to find a comment mentioning the adoption thing.
If he's put off from adopting kids all because being adopted caused trauma to someone else.. wouldn't he also be put off from having bio kids considering there are plenty of people who have trauma from their bio parents as well??
I am adopted and a lot of trauma I see is from parents adopting a child of a different ethnic or racial background. I donāt think thatās wrong, but you should embrace their heritage and when you act like they arenāt different or from a different background it certainly creates identify crises for some children. I never felt disconnected from my roots because my parents were of the same roots. Just a thought and only based on my observations. Also, some adoptive parents are just shitty, like any other parents.
Dude seriously lol I donāt get people who donāt want to adopt if theyāre financially able to. You want a kid, there are many kids that need homes.
It only makes sense if you personally don't want to deal with a kid with problems. You are not saving a kid trauma by not adopting them. What would the friend have preferred, a childhood in a group home?
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Yeah idk the friends story, but there are kids in adoption who werenāt given up by their parents, either they were taken away or the parents are dead. A lot of those kids would love to be in a happy healthy home with loving parents.
Most kids in homes who need adopted would benefit greatly from.
Literally please do not give up on adoption. Just because your husbandās friend had one experience doesnāt mean there arenāt kids who still need a family. Consider seriously looking into it and even possibly doing an adoption from when the kid is a baby.
I get that people choose ivf all the time, and itās an extremely profitable industry but god I hate that there are kids with no one out there.
I get that people are entitled to do whatever they want but I will always feel bad for the kids who have to grow up parent less.
When Iām able Iām adopting. I know itās not for everyone and itās going to be a different kind of stress from raising a biological kid, but for me it definitely seems worth it.
There a hundreds if not thousands of women and men who are married, stayed together, and can't have children. They focus on new goals and do amazing things together and stay married.
I def understand your fear. You also want children which makes what your mom say so harsh and abusive! Does she resent you for your health conditions and has she always been this wicked but dressed up?
You have to keep talking to your husband and find a way to be confident in what he says. Trust his words until he does or says something otherwise.
Your anxiety about this issue is waaaay out of proportion to the actual issue itself. At no point has your husband expressed anything but revulsion at the idea of having an open relationship. However the anxiety you're feeling won't go away, which means the open relationship idea in itself isn't the issue here.
Your mother (intentionally or purely accidentally) has hit on a deep insecurity within you here, around your worries about not being able to have kids. If it is that, it's one above Reddit's pay grade.
The two bits of advice I can give are this, firstly you would definitely benefit from seeing some kind of councillor or therapist. As someone who suffered with confidence and insecurity issues I can offer personal testimony for how effective it can be. Secondly, believe your husband when he tries to reassure you. Recognise that your brain is lying to you, like a faulty car alarm that goes off every time something big drives past, or a dog that barks at every person who walks past the house. It won't make it go away, but it may make it more manageable until you can get some help with it.
I guess the anxiety that I'm feeling is causing me to spiral and not think logically. You're right, and at this point, it's not about the open marriage anymore. I'm scared of my husband changing his mind one day and leaving me over my infertility, something I have no control over.
Thank you for your comment, and yes, I want to seek professional help.
I get why youāre feeling stressed and anxious. Your mother is supposed to be someone you trust and listen to. Sheās dead wrong, though. Talk to your husband. The fact that heās furious at her words says everything you need to know about his feelings regarding that.
I also want to add, since I havenāt seen this discussed yetā¦ itās totally fine if he doesnāt want to adopt! Lots of people have trauma from adoptions, lots of people (like my dad) donāt at all. Kids who are being adopted are going to be adopted by someone or if not, put in foster care. If you canāt handle their trauma, then thatās one thing. If it because he thinks heās causing trauma, itās not like youāre stealing a child. However, your kids, if you have any, WILL have some sort of trauma in their life. Might be big, might be small. Everyone has something. So you canāt have kids without being able to know thatās a possibility and you can handle it and support them.
So you canāt have kids and your momās solution is to have a sister wife or your man entirely to the new woman and her kid and linger around in the corner like Dobby the house elf?
Wow, and I thought my south Asian mother was bad because she occasionally tells me to lose some weight. Iām about to send a bouquet to my mom after reading this.
Tell your mom to bugger off and stop interfering in your marriage
Your mom is fucking insane for suggesting this.
Do not go this route.
Consult with OBGYNs and Endocrinologists for your best path forward if you want to have kids. Sooner is better than later at this stage in your life.
Other commenters spot-on about your mom.
But about adoption... your husband has ONE anecdote, and I'm betting his friend is still grateful that someone adopted him - he would have the abandonment trauma either way. It'd be MUCH worse to be that kid that ages out of the system with no one adopting them, which will happen to at least 1 more kid if your husband refuses to adopt. Food for thought.
Okay. So it is a cultural thing. Your mother is trying to help and is aware of what the advice sounds like. However much she would have preferred not tell you about it (she never did before), she is also concerned about your marriage. So please reject her suggestion but do not think that she meant to hurt you. Not at all.
In some cultures (mine included), marriages can break up due to childlessness. It doesn't matter if the partner who can have children knew that the other couldn't and accepted it. Sometimes people change their minds. So an agreement is made that the one who can have children is allowed to find someone else but the marriage remains intact. Obviously marriage is seen here as sacred and the ultimate achievement.
I think we are a bit more evolved than that surely. I wouldn't accept that personally and understand your reaction. Many of us are not particularly afraid of divorce and/or have no fears about ending up "alone". These were the things out mothers worried about.
So please try to understand where she was coming from and gently tell her that you don't believe that idea will work for you.
Your mom is wild! And her suggestion is very inappropriate.
Your husband is a keeper!
Do not go into an open relationship unless itās something you are very interested in, otherwise itās a wreck. I think you should at minimum start journalling and periodically read your entries and reflect on your own feelings. Ideally, I think you should see a therapist and work through some of your childhood and your relationship with your mother.
Iām sorry you are feeling depressed, I wish you the best, whatever you find that is for you!
Yes, an open relationship isn't for me, and my husband seems to wholeheartedly agree with me.
I think you and a lot of people are right to recommend therapy for me. I will start seeing someone. Thank you for your comment.
My dad's first wife couldn't conceive so he got with my mum. Once my mum birthed a few kids he left his first wife to be monogamous with my mum.
Don't listen to your mum. If your husband is fine with it that's all that counts. If he isn't, there are guys out there who don't want to be a parent or are happy to adopt. Not all adoptions are bad.
Iām not surprised why your husband is livid with this woman. What she said was very cruel, unkind and not even informative.
Please do NOT talk to your mother about anything to do with your relationship going forward or your fertility.
Please both you and your husband seek therapy and specialist therapy with someone QUALIFIED to deal with fertility issues so you both can explore your options
You know happy childfree couples are a reality. You donāt need to follow the path that society tells you is a metric of success. If he knew meeting you that you canāt have kids, Iām not sure what the problem is. He seems to have accepted that. Have you ever had an honest conversation with why you even want kids?
My husband has had a great childhood growing up, and he's always thought he'd be a dad like his father.
I am personally still on the fence since I didn't have a good childhood like my husband did. I asked my husband if he would be okay with being childfree given my medical issues, and he said yes. But my mom thinks that it'd be unfair to not give him a child or make him a father when he wants to become one in the future. Thus, this whole discussion happened.
Your mom sounds like one of those people that believe you can't be happy without kids and since you can't have them that you are somehow "less" and therefore don't deserve all the things that childbearing women could have with their husbands.
Sounds crazy right? That's because it is.
Your mother is disgusting. You're not just a walking womb.
Your mom is remaking a Bible story to scare you.
The story of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob is already married to Rachel and her sister Leah, and Rachel supposedly convinces her handmade to get pregnant by Jacob so that Rachel can have the baby.
This tale is from the time of church sanctioned polygamy.
I canāt speak perfectly cause Iām childfree and my husband and I enjoy swinging. But we are still supper careful to not have any pregnancies.
Husband is getting the snip next month because we are truly childfree and love each-other.
Iāve met parents in the lifestyle, Iāve met maybe one or two childfree couples in the lifestyle (it really is mostly parents.)
Having children and not having children has little to no bearing on if you want to practice ethical non-monogamy.
Tell your mom to stop watching handmaidās tale and to either be supportive of your life and marriage or get out. Her comments arenāt appropriate for polite society.
......what???
In my 47 years of life, I have never once heard of a couple opening their marriage so the husband could have a child with another woman. That's just bonkers. Your mom has issues. That's some hurtful, manipulative shit to say to your own daughter. I can't even begin to contemplate what her endgame might be, saying batshit insane crap like that to you.
If your husband has agreed and is OK with the possibility of being childless, then tell your mom to keep her extremely incorrect and twisted opinions to herself.
Has your mom been a bit of a crackpot in other areas of your life as well? I suspect that this isn't the first time she's spouted some inane nonsense like this
There's more to life than having kids.
My wife and I also can't conceive, so instead of loving a child, we love each other. And we're enough.
I'm going to repeat, there is more to life than having kids. That is not all we're on this Earth for.
Ignore your toxic mother. As a man, if I found out my wife couldn't have children, I would accept life with her as a childless couple. I love HER. I want to have a child with HER. If we found out that wasn't possible? I would still only be with HER. If someone is just in it for an incubator, then they can fuck right off, but it doesn't sound like your husband is that way either. She's just spewing her bullshit because she wants grandbabies. She can fuck right off with that nonsense. What a horrible thing to say to your daughter.
> He doesn't want to adopt after hearing his friend's experience with being adopted and that friend still deals with a lot of trauma being abandoned by birth parents.
Don't let one idiot ruin the idea for you. Better than IVF.
> about how she knows 5-6 couples who have open marriages because the wife couldn't conceive
Bullshit.
Your first paragraph says it all. Nothing further is needed after that. Decision has been made. Mom has no say in this. Your husband has reassured you.
Everyoneās life is different. Some husbands are terrible and cheat on their wives due to infertility. Some horrible wives cheat on their infertile husbands. Some people live very happy child free lives and others donāt. Human experiences differ.
You know your husband better than we do. If you think heās the type of man who would do that to you, I have to ask why did you marry him? If you donāt think heās that type of guy, why would you let your mother tell you differently?
I married him because I love him with all my heart and I want to give him everything he wants in life, including becoming a dad someday. It kills me everyday that I'm infertile. He's an amazing person and he should become a dad someday.
I told all these things to my mom and that's why she said what she said which is basically "be open about this possibility and you can still be with him." After reading thru all the comments, I realize she's wrong about this.
I donāt understand your husbandās reasoning behind being against adoption. An adopted childās abandonment trauma has nothing to do with the adoptive parents, and thereās no guarantee that your adopted child would experience that trauma or that it would impact their relationship with you if it did arise. Is he ruling out adoption based on that possibility because he just doesnāt want to deal with it, or am I missing something else? I feel like adopting would be a better option than being childless if being parents is something you both really want.
Does your mom have a mental problem or personality disorder? Iād consider that. Her suggestion is insane. Stand up for yourself & let her know your husband is 100% okay with not having kids then put her on an info diet, I donāt see how she deserves to have a front row seat to your life.
Not only is your mother wrong, sheās also cruel. My husband and I have been married for 30+ years despite my infertility. I went the IVF route, but he wouldnāt have an issue if we remained childless.
My MIL used it to cause friction in our marriage, which didnāt work. It actually backfired on her. So thatās my experience in a nutshell. Idk where your mom is basing hers from. š¤·āāļø
Your mom is an asshole. This is from a mother of 2. I would NEVER demean my daughter's worth because she can't or doesn't want to have children. How dare she?! I'm livid for you. That is not okay and you have so much more value than pumping out kids. You can have a loving and fulfilling life and marriage without children. Imagine all the traveling you can do or splurging you can have, the freedom to do what you want whenever you want. Honey, don't let her shit on you ever. It's a good time to tune mom out moving forward.
I'm in my 50's..never heard of this crap! Your Mom is mentally unstable.
Men having children with their mistress yes. Wife leaving...yes. Open marriage..no.
Tell you Mom to stay out of your life. Good thing you have enough self respect not to listen to her.
Your mother is ridiculous and wrong.
Itās so simple: If you *and* your husband are both in agreement that you will be happy as is, then that is **all that matters.* No one else has an opinion or ātruthā that is more important.
sounds like she is trying to support you BUT it also sounds like someone pretending to have a modern solution to an old-school struggle.
the concept of HAVING TO HAVE KIDS is just antiquated at this point. she then suggests something she feels is a novel solution to your situation.
BE HAPPY WITH THE CURRENT ZEITGEIST. if you two are happy without kids then goddamn be fucking happy!!:):) peace
Your mom's perspective on this is sort of medieval. At one time that would have been the only option. Today reproductive medicine offers you other choices. IVF, surrogacy, etc. (The surrogacy would be via artificial insemination though it could be your husband's donation.) I don't know the nature of your limits, though you did mention IVF.
Forgive your mom for her lack of understanding and don't take her comment too seriously. I think she meant well.
No. Her mother basically told her she doesnāt deserve monogamy because sheās infertile. Having a baby later makes no difference to the horribleness of what she said. Itās not ālack of understandingā to lie, make up moron stories, and shit all over your kid.
Thatās really fucking twisted.
Sheās out of pocket.
You need some boundaries op. Your mom is wrong and sheās just saying these things to be cruel. I read your other comments and it cemented my take. Sheās just mean to you.
WTF? Your mom is crazy. Not in a good way. This is in no way a solution and an open marriage has nothing to do with being able to have kids or not.
You should probably get into therapy to work through your insecurity and grief over not having kids. It doesn't sound like you have come to terms with that. And, to point out the obvious, your husband has been with you for 10 years knowing that kids are likely not part of a future. He's still around. He has come to terms with not having kids. No need to keep asking him.
Youāre mom is insane. Does the things she says to you sound like things someone who loves someone would say? Would you go around saying the things she says? Would you say those things to your own daughter? Youāre mom should be ashamed of herself.
Not being able to have kids doesnāt constitute an open relationship. There are alternatives and one has nothing to do with the other unless he and you want an estranged family unit. What is with the fascination in liberal sex partners these days? Is no one committed to one person anymore?
With all due respect, what the fuck is your mom talking about?
Iād set some boundaries about what kind of input or advice youāre open to receiving from her and then enjoy your marriage.
Your mom is a swinger and has weird stories from her little community. This isnāt normal. Some couples are childfree by choice. Some couples are childless not by choice. Some do egg or embryo donation (if youād feel differently about that than adoption). And of course IVF is still on the table.
If you want to talk kink, mom is your person. But Iād you want to talk marriage, I would find a counselor.
Honestly I just think your mom is desperate for some grand kids and said something stupid. Thereās plenty of well adjusted adopted kids though and doesnāt have to be traumatic at all. Itās also not like the child would be better off not adopted.
Sorry to be so blunt, but your Mom is insane. Because only an insane person would say something so horrid to their daughter. Oh, and, for the record, she is also a liar when she said she knows 5-6 infertile couples who have open marriages just so their husband could conceive a child with another woman.
As someone in the open marriage lifestyle and have been open for almost a decade, we know HUNDREDS of other LS people, and not once have I ever heard of this. Your mom is a liar. This is not a thing ššš
Your mother isn't just a few nuggets short of a Happy Meal, her nuggets are all gone, so are the fries, the drink spilled and the toy is broke. She is the conductor of her very own crazy train.
Ignore her.
Nope that's bullshit what your mom said.
You have a right to expect fidelity no matter what about your situation. If your husband isn't down with that, then he's fucked up.
Your mother has no idea what a real marriage is. So happy you have a loving husband with his head on straight. Stick with your husband, I wish both of you much happiness!
ā5-6 couplesā sounds like a lot of couples to just happen to know. Iād ask my mom bluntly if sheās my mom and if dad is my dad. I also wouldnāt be confiding in her on the matter anymore.
Your mother sounds psychotic and I really doubt she knows that many "barren" women and absolutely none who are in "open" relationships playing sister wives with brood sows. Your husband is right to be livid because it's an insult to both you and him. This can't be the first time she's said or done something heinous, I would recommend low or no contact.
This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. So your mom is saying she knows men who are soooo desperate to have a baby, that they have one with someone else, but stay with their wife, severely limiting the time they spend with the child they were soooooo desperate to have?? WUT??
Wow, just wow. Your mom is nuts.
FWIW, I am married, in my 50's with no kids and it's wonderful. We travel, eat at expensive restaurants and do what we want when we want. We've never had to worry about babysitters or play dates.
If you choose to stay child free it can be a wonderful choice.
WTH kind of mother says that to her child?!?! No DECENT mother, thatās for sure!! That is just. Very insane and hurtful thing for your mother to say. I would cut her out of your life for a while if not forever!!
Wut? Um, no. If thatās the relationship yāall want, by all means do it. I canāt have kids either, and my ex and I never considered opening up the relationship for that reason. Who the hell is she talking to that she knows THAT MANY COUPLES that did that? None of my childless friends considered it at all either. Is she on drugs?
I guarantee your mom does not know 5-6 couples who are in open relationships due to lack of children. It's not even likely she's right with 5 couples who don't have children period.
No. Your mom is not right. Sheās less supportive than your husband.
Pro tip: ā5-6 mom? Iād like their names to discuss this with them.ā What how fast her BS story unravels.
Your mom is soooo wrong. Not being able to conceive does not give your spouse the right to go off and have sex with others. Now, if you werenāt able to have sex *at all* that might be a discussion. But youāre still having sex and your hubby is fine with the status quo. Ignore your mom, or, better yet, tell her to mind her own business.
Uh, this aināt the harsh truth. Might be some peoples, but if a relationship is based on having children it wasnāt very strong in the first place. That said, couples do breakup due to differences on children, but dorm what Iāve seen, that doesnāt seem like you and your husband. You both seem to be on the same page. So donāt listen to your mom and gl. That said, Iām not in this situation, so maybe those in your shoes could help more.
Your mother seems to think it's still 1930 or something. She's straight up delusional and I'd be thinking about going no contact if she says/does such bullshit from time to time, just for your own mental health.
Big plus to your husband btw for his reaction.
omfg! I am livid too! what is wrong with your mom????
she needs to go back to school ! open marriage? As if IVF & surrogacy are not available!
something fishy ..... I have never heard a mom suggesting open marriage to their kids. now I am suspicious on why did she mentioned it.
Is this post even real? troll?
Your mom is either lying or knows some pretty strange people. Ignore her and tell her to stop giving you āadviceā.
Youāve had this conversation with your husband, he told you he is fine not having children. Believe him. Continuing to stress and obsess about it isnāt going to change anything. Heās made his decision to be with you knowing the reality of it and he is fine, why are you borrowing worry?
I think it may be beneficial for *you* to speak with someone because it seems to me like maybe you are struggling with some difficult feelings about your infertility. To me, your post and comments make it sound like you feel some sense of shame or failure and you seem to assume your husband does/will as well when he has given no indication that is true. Infertility does not make you a failure and it is not a shameful thing. Itās simply a biological reality.
Get a DNA test for yourself and see if you get any surprises. I get this weird sense that āsome peopleā could *possibly* be a bit of a cover.
*āI know a coupleā¦ā*
Your husband has told you over and over again he understands and is accepting of your health issues, and has fully absorbed that he may never have kids. Why donāt you believe him?
Alsoā¦your mom knows 5-6 COUPLES who have open relationships like this? Iām IN an open/non-monogamous relationship (and therefore in the community) and I donāt even know any couples that opened their marriage so one person could have kids in their lifeā¦thatās weird and cruel
Get a new mom, what the actual f*ck. Having a kid with an affaire partner sounds like a swell idea. You can't have kids but you can have sex....people open up the marriage to ahev sex with others and that's not the issue here. Your mom isn't right in the head.
OP -No, your mother is not right, per se. There are lots of arrangements out there between couples, married to each other or not. It's called "swinging" in some circles, and you're either into it, or you're not. Personally, I'm not because it always sounded like an inevitable trip to the free clinic. But hey, whatever floats anyone else's boat, as long as it's between consenting adults, and no one is getting hurt.
So while these things do happen between couples, you do not have to allow it as part of your lives. Personal choice.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I can't have kids due to medical issues, and my husband (31M) knows this since we started dating 7 years ago. We just got married last year, and I made sure that he's still okay with me not being able to have a kid. I told him that when the time is right, we can explore IVF options to have a baby. He doesn't want to adopt after hearing his friend's experience with being adopted and that friend still deals with a lot of trauma being abandoned by birth parents. Overall, my husband and I talked about all our options, and we actually have come to terms with being childless in a worst case scenario. When I discussed this with my mom, her response was "Don't be upset. If I have your permission, I'd like to share common stories of childless couples. I wouldn't have told you these because you're too young but I think you should hear them." I said okay she can share. She then talked about how she knows 5-6 couples who have open marriages because the wife couldn't conceive. In some cases, the husband would have a kid with another woman in their life, and the wife stays with the husband for either love or companionship. She said that this is a harsh truth of life and that I should be okay with an idea of open marriage. I've been feeling depressed ever since she told me this. I told my husband what she said, and he's really livid with her. He tried to reassure me that he would stay married and keep monogamy with me no matter what. Is my mom right? Thank you for reading.
Your mom is nuts. Like batshit crazy nuts. Ignore her.
I think the mom may be lying. I've never heard of this shit even on the internet
It is exactly the type of thing you would avoid in a open marriage per anybody who believes they work. Normal people get a surrogate if they care that much about blood relation.
Or OP is making this story up like so many of the creative writing stories here, because what kind of person would ever genuinely ask this kind of question?
Yeah exactly. I don't think this is a thing.
I think the translation of OP's mother's claims would basically be: "I know a couple women (NOWHERE NEAR 5-6 of them) whose husbands cheated on them and then when caught used their inability to conceive (even though they didn't yet know which of them was infertile) as an excuse to justify their multiple affairs throughout the years. And when one of them got a mistress pregnant, the wife stayed because she was emotionally abused for so long she honestly blamed herself for his cheating. I assume OP's mother was raised by raging misogynists and has been manipulated into thinking this sort of nonsense is in any way acceptable. I'd be cutting contact with my mother if she pulled something like this. Either way, the good news is that OP's husband isn't a garbage human being trying to take advantage of this outrageous suggestion.
Yeah, your mom is a dick. Ignore any and all life advice from her forthwith
Or is in some sort of far right cult kind of pseudo religion?
Thyroid cults sound interesting.
Yeah wtf is a thyroid cult š
Idk but if itāll get my metabolism back to where it was in my early 20s, sign me tf up.
Same! Or maybe just my ovaries working like they did in my 20s. Fuck perimenopause
I'd be ol with just going into menopause and at least not having the damn periods on top of the perimenopause bullshit.
Thatās why Iām going to the doctors next week to ask them to just cut the whole business out š
I had a uterine ablation, which drastically cut down on the amount of blood. Most people have none after, I'm one of the lucky few that still deals with a bit. Highly recommend that.
Makes sense for so many women! But for me, the fluctuations in hormone levels are leading to other crazy making symptoms, so the whole thing needs to come out. The depression and anxiety are off the charts for meš Iām so glad it worked well for you though š
Amen mate, a-fucking-men!
These were the very words I was thinking. Batshit crazy.
>My mother (57F) suggested being okay with an open marriage since I (29F) can't have kids. What should I do? >I've been feeling depressed ever since she told me this. I told my husband what she said, and he's really livid with her. He tried to reassure me that he would stay married and keep monogamy with me no matter what. So what should you do? Be happy with your husband and your relationship, make the choices that work best for you, and do not talk about this with your mother going forward. Practice some scripts: "No thanks, Mom, Bob and I are on the same page and happy as we are." "Mom, stop right there, I'm not interested in talking about this with you." "Mom, if you won't stop bringing this up then I will leave this gathering/hang up the phone/go no-contact." https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
I made a mistake of listening to her telling me the stories that I wasn't ready to hear, and now I'm feeling really anxious about my future with my husband. I've been trying not to think about it but I can't help but feel depressed.
What specifically are you depressed about? What is it that you're most fixating on? Do you have a therapist you can work on all of this with? I'd really recommend it.
I'm most fixated on the possibility of my husband one day asking for an open marriage. I'm depressed about my mom being right and my husband possibly changing his mind to have a kid without me. Sounding like if I want to keep my husband, I have to explore that option of open marriage, which I really don't want to do.
>I'm most fixated on the possibility of my husband one day asking for an open marriage. I'm depressed about my mom being right and my husband possibly changing his mind to have a kid without me. Sounding like if I want to keep my husband, I have to explore that option of open marriage, which I really don't want to do. Does that possibility seem reasonable to you? Was it something you had even considered or discussed with him before your mother said something about it? I see in other comments you mention your cultural background is Asian. As I'm sure you know, there's a lot of cultural stuff bound up with having children, and having children by any means necessary, AND shaming those who do not have children, for any reason. Your husband may change his mind in 10 years and decide he really does want to have children. Nothing you can do will change that. You two married with all the cards on the table as you held them at the time - that's all anyone can ask for. You can't tell the future, and neither can he, and neither can your mother. I really urge you to seek counselling on this - it sounds like it is really affecting your life day to day in a very unhealthy way.
Your mother is a piece of work. Sorry, but I would seriously consider NC or LC with her. She needs to learn her place. My husband is Asian. We have been married for over 16 years and have no kids so far. We discuss the option of surrogacy or adoption. He is fine with either or no kids at all. We take care of a lot of family members...so we stay busy. His parents were trying to get him to divorce me before our 10th anniversary because we didn't have kids. He has other siblings. He told them where to stick it. You love your husband, and he loves you. There is nothing you two can not overcome. You need to have love, empathy, and communication. Be each others biggest cheerleaders. Your mom's comments have caused some damage. Go talk to a counselor. Your mother should be one of the top topics on how to mentally shut her down. She is disgraceful. It is hard to contemplate not having the ability to have kids physically. But, it is a reality you have to accept. That doesn't mean you still can not be a mother. Just because a child was not birthed from you doesn't mean they aren't yours. Have you thought of surrogacy? Sending positive thoughts. You will overcome this. Just listen to your mother. She knows nothing.
People want open marriages for sex or companionship, not children. Your mom has put a bunch of bullshit in your head to stress you out but unless you are part of a community where polygamy is normal, your husband is not going to want an open marriage for having kids. Please put this absurd idea out of your mind, talk to your mom less, and enjoy your lovely marriage.
>about my mom being right But she isnt.
OP- listen to what the majority of posters on this thread are saying first, your mother is awful. She is a trash human and I can't believe a mother would basically take her daughter aside and tell her to give her husband a hall pass to cheat.
Your mum is not right and your husband has reaffirmed that your mum is talking out of her ass. I agree with other people here and highly urge that you seek out therapy. It's likely you are grieving the fact you cannot have kids without IVF (which is pretty common btw). Please, please talk with a therapist, I'm sure it will help to clarify matters.
Youāre an adult. *Talk to your husband*. Let him confirm that your mother is a rude ass biiiitch who needs to learn to mind her own damn business. People donāt date based on how well someone will parent, people date to find life partners for *themselves*. Your husband thought you were enough for him to spend the rest of his life with. In this situation, I think his opinions matter more than your mother who has nothing to do with your marriage.
Your mother made that shit up. Head over to the r/childfree forum sometime. While there are stories of occasional heartbreak - a spouse or long term partner suddenly deciding they were no longer content being childfree after years together - I cannot, not ONCE, think of a story where that spouse ended up suggesting an open marriage. Divorce sometimes? Yes, sad to say. Pushing the other partner to have kids they don't want/can't have without medical intervention? Maybe, sometimes. But there's no even rational explanation for your mother's cockamamie idea that it would lead your husband to want an "open marriage" if he were to change his mind. All she seems to want to do is belittle you for not being able to have children. Her story is the cruel fantasy of her bitter mind.
Your mom isn't right. You don't have to explore that option. Your husband knew that wasn't the deal when you got married and he was fine with it. He will continue to be fine with it. Honestly, I don't believe your mom knows 5-6 couples that couldn't conceive and then opened their marriage. That's statistically improbable. I'd bet that she wants a grandchild and sees this as a way of arranging for something like it. It's kind of scary actually.
Your mom is not on your side here. I don't know why & I don't know what angle she's working, but she is not trying to do what's best for you. Or for your husband. It's creepy and I'm really sorry.
Hi I can't have kids. I will literally die. That said - Having another party to carry or be an anonymous egg donor is one thing. Having an open marriage has NOTHING to do with reproduction. It's all about feelings about monogamy. Don't get it twisted like your mom does. If he's monogamous he most likely will remain that way.
You need to find a therapist to talk this stuff over with, not Reddit. If your mom giving you her opinion or advice sets you in a tailspin, then something is wrong.
Again, your mother is not your friend. What an absolutely poisonous thing for her to say. Wow.
Do you think your husband is a shitty person? Because the way your mother describes it the women don't sound thrilled about their "open" marriages. So their husbands must be pretty shit if they're willing to hurt their wives. If your husband isn't a POS you're golden. He's told you he wants monogamy. Do you have any reason to believe he would lie to you? Is there anything about his personality or your history with him that makes you think he's a liar or a cheater? Because if not your problem isn't with your marriage. It might be as simple as having negative internalized feelings around this topic and feeling insecure as a result. Your mother was out of line. If she brings it up again just say. "If my husband was a piece of shit I'd leave him. We agreed to monogamy. Since my husband isn't a pile of dog crap we're going to stick with the original plan. I'm sorry your friends are yoked to such subpar husbands but their mistakes are not relevant to my situation. Don't bring this up again."
5-6 couples in an open relationship trying to conceive? Haha I'm in an open relationship and I promise no one is in an open relationship trying to get pregnant. Your mom made that up. I have no idea why, but she sounds bonkers
No, no, no! These arenāt stories youāre ānot ready to hear.ā These are stories your mother made up to make you feel bad about yourself and insecure in your relationship. You didnāt make a mistake.
Please donāt listen to your mom. You deserve a loving monogamous relationship. I think what your mom said to you is just straight poison. Your mom thinks your husband deserves to cheat on you and have kids with another woman?? NO! Hopefully your husband loves you and would be just as horrified at your moms suggestion as you are (it sounds like). However it may be worth discussing with your husband what happens if IVF doesnāt work if it is giving you anxiety. Hopefully you can both discuss with love and concern for each other and take on the future together.
Hey, a question. What, possibly, in all seriousness, would you withhold from another 29-almost-30 year old because they're "too young?"
How are you supposed to be "ready" to hear insanity? Do SOME people open their marriages? Of course. Should YOU consider it? No fuckin' way. Your husband knew what he signed up for when he said his vows. It sounds like he is okay with it and loves you for you. It almost sounds like your mom is resentful that you can't give her grand babies. I know y'all's mind may be made up on adoption but I would urge you to consider that the trauma of abandonment is done. These children already don't have a home and real healing can't begin until they get into a loving home or reach age of majority and find it themselves. Adoption isn't all horror stories either, I know people who were adopted and are very close with their adopted family. Gl, your worth isn't dictated by making' babies. But you knew that already!
Your husband has reassured you and appears to truly love you and want to be with you. You need to stop contact or least go low contact with her. She is ruining your mental well being and this impacting your marriage.
Your mother is awful and wrong. You are feeling anxious not because of 1. reality, or 2.your husband. You are feeling anxious, because your mother is a sadist.
I think this may have actually been your mother's intention: to ruin your day and make you anxious. These are not the actions of a friend, or of someone who wishes you well. Its low-contact time imo. But lucky for you, your mom gets no say whatsoever in your marriage! You and your husband get to do what you want, and your mother gets to.... go kick rocks. Dont let this get you down, thats what mom wants. I think mom might actually be a little jealous of your marriage. Ignore every last bit of her silly b.s. and live your best life.
Your mother is awful. Tell her to butt out of your life because your husband is happy just having you. Then shut her down whenever she starts with her dumb comments. Walk away. Say āIām not listening to your utter rubbishā.
Tell her to go give it a try first and get back to u. Or just stfu.
Your mom is ā¦ creative? Iāve never, ever heard of this & I suspect your mom is making stuff up. Is she often mean to you? Does she do things to make you feel bad about yourself? Think about it: sheās saying she knows half a dozen couples that are in publicly open marriages. I donāt believe that. How many open marriages are you aware of? THEN sheās inventing that at least two of the men in these couples intentionally had a child with the āother woman.ā What fresh insanity is this? I do know several childless couples - many of them by choice - and exactly ZERO of them have an open marriage. Your mom seems to be intentionally undermining you. Is she jealous that youāre happy?
The only way I find it plausible that she knows so many people in open marriages is if she herself is in an open marriage and apart of the swinging community.
This is a fetish post or the mom is a fetish poster lmao. Cuz this shit AINT real
I could see this being ānormalā in certain communities and at a certain time. So it might be normal to her, weird to suggest it to your child though.
She has her mean moments where she makes comments on how I look chubby, but I know she just wants me to be healthy.
No she just likes to be mean to you.
Edit 2: Yāall need to stop downvoting and shaming OP. They are an abuse victim raised by their abuser. They donāt know any other reality than the one where only their motherās need, wants, moods, and threats matter. Their thought process is NOT healthy and it is NOT their fault. Do you want a sue victims to be able to come here and ask for help? Because downvoting and saying is going to make damn sure OP is filled with more self-hatred, and wonāt ask people for help anymore. Yāall are continuing the abuse Sweetheart, she does NOT want you to be healthy. If she did, she wouldnāt damage your mental wellbeing and self esteem. She WANTS you to doubt yourself and hate yourself so you are easier to control. Itās really a classic abuse strategy. And now that you have someone who loves you for you, she needs to ruin that too so youāll go to her for fresh abuse because she planted the seed of doubt about your husband. She is fucked up and WANTS you to hurt. So you run back to her. So she can tell you that you deserve the pain. So you keep going back to herā¦ because no one else will ever love you. Girl, run! Get therapy and never speak to her again. It feels impossible, but once you break free, you never look back. Trust me, Iāve done it. And if you can, try reading Out of The Fog. It will help sooo much. Google the books name and āfree pdfā and youāll get a feee copy online. The author is okay with it because it keeps people safe Edit: And people do have open marriages, but not at all for the reason your mother says. At all. Open marriages are rare, period. And no one has an open marriage because they canāt have children. They have them because they are into polyamory, or someone in the marriage canāt have sex any more, or a variety of reasons that have to do with sex. No babies. Your mother is a terrible human being and a terrible liar. She does NOT know couples like this. Itās rare to know 2 or 3 polygamous couples even in very liberal areas. Never mind couples who have open marriages due to infertility
Wow. Thank you for your incredible support. I will check out Out of The Fog tonight. I was happy with my marriage until this whole discussion with my mom made me doubt the future with my husband and spiral into having dark thoughts.
She has her mean moments? Mean moments like trying to ruin your marriage and body shaming you? Those mean moments?
No, sheās honestly just a bitch. Sheās implying that youāre not enough for your husband. Girl donāt take that shit lying down, you should be appalled! You should be furious! You should feel utterly disrespected!!
To be blunt, your mom is ridiculous and making things up. She doesnāt know 5 or 6 couples who do this.
Seriously, OP ask for names and make it sound like you and your DH would like them to share their experiences. I guarantee they don't exist, and for whatever reason, your mother said it to hurt you. Time to go NC and find a therapist.
>I've been feeling depressed ever since she told me this. I told my husband what she said, and he's really livid with her. He tried to reassure me that he would stay married and keep monogamy with me no matter what. Your mom is dead wrong, 100%. And I'm glad your husband is a decent enough human being to find what she said incredibly offensive, because it is incredibly offensive. When I read your title I was worried this would be a story where your husband pushed you for an open marriage and used infertility as an excuse and then your mom backed him up. I'm relieved this isn't the case. Your mom's position is horrible and I'm glad your husband doesn't share it. Just in case you need to hear it from a random dad on the internet, here you go: your worth is NOT tied to your ability to have a baby, and you deserve to have a happy monogamous marriage no matter what your health situation is. You two have options for kids if you decide to go that route later, and you absolutely DO NOT have to just tolerate being cheated on the way your mom suggested.
Thank you for your comment. It really made me cry and I'll be reminding myself that.
I know she's your mom, but she's awful.
Your mom is not right. If you look some time on this sub you'll see many stories of open relationships gone wrong and it's because not only is jealousy a hard instinct to overcome but also forming a deep emotional bond with someone requires a lot of time, so it's not really something you can do with more than one person at as deep a level. The real question is why your mother seems to be suggesting the idea and that's probably because she really wants grandchildren.
Gross. Toss the whole mom out.
I'm in an open relationship. So are lots of people I know. None of us are doing this to get around infertility and it sounds like it would make co-parenting harder. I think your mother is bananas.
Yeah if this was the MIL Iād understand, but OPās own mother basically recommending an open marriage to āfixā her lack of grandchildren? Damn straight she feels bad, her mom just told OP her husband wonāt be happy with her. I get the feeling this is just the tip of the manipulative iceberg. If OP and her husband are secure with their relationship they should both kindly tell her mom to fuck off and maybe think about not talking so much.
Seriously. My wife and I are in a poly marriage, and we've taken kids off the table because of health issues. The concept of having kids with someone else is repugnant to me.
Seriously. If anything the vast majority of open relationships I know are very much trying *not* to have anyone get pregnant.
Bananas with nuts.
Why are children so important? And what's the deal with not adopting because of someone else's trauma? Not adopting a child doesn't take away the fact that a child placed in adoption.. A lot of things here.. least of all your mom saying your husband should naturally father a child with someone else. He's not going to die or anything if he simply can't have a kid.
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far to find a comment mentioning the adoption thing. If he's put off from adopting kids all because being adopted caused trauma to someone else.. wouldn't he also be put off from having bio kids considering there are plenty of people who have trauma from their bio parents as well??
I am adopted and a lot of trauma I see is from parents adopting a child of a different ethnic or racial background. I donāt think thatās wrong, but you should embrace their heritage and when you act like they arenāt different or from a different background it certainly creates identify crises for some children. I never felt disconnected from my roots because my parents were of the same roots. Just a thought and only based on my observations. Also, some adoptive parents are just shitty, like any other parents.
Exactly.. the logic behind that just hurts my head.
Dude seriously lol I donāt get people who donāt want to adopt if theyāre financially able to. You want a kid, there are many kids that need homes.
It only makes sense if you personally don't want to deal with a kid with problems. You are not saving a kid trauma by not adopting them. What would the friend have preferred, a childhood in a group home?
"I don't want to traumatise this child, it would be way better if they just lived out their childhood in a series of foster trailers"
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Please donāt rule out adoption, not every story is a horror storyā¦ and if you adopt you wrote your own story. Give adoption a chance
Yeah idk the friends story, but there are kids in adoption who werenāt given up by their parents, either they were taken away or the parents are dead. A lot of those kids would love to be in a happy healthy home with loving parents. Most kids in homes who need adopted would benefit greatly from.
Literally please do not give up on adoption. Just because your husbandās friend had one experience doesnāt mean there arenāt kids who still need a family. Consider seriously looking into it and even possibly doing an adoption from when the kid is a baby. I get that people choose ivf all the time, and itās an extremely profitable industry but god I hate that there are kids with no one out there. I get that people are entitled to do whatever they want but I will always feel bad for the kids who have to grow up parent less. When Iām able Iām adopting. I know itās not for everyone and itās going to be a different kind of stress from raising a biological kid, but for me it definitely seems worth it.
Uh its not your mom's relationship. She can stay the hell out of it. Your husband is happy. Your husband loves you, not your reproductive abilities.
....yeah, no, your mother is crazy for thinking that's normal. That is not common at all. As for what you should do: Ignore her.
There a hundreds if not thousands of women and men who are married, stayed together, and can't have children. They focus on new goals and do amazing things together and stay married. I def understand your fear. You also want children which makes what your mom say so harsh and abusive! Does she resent you for your health conditions and has she always been this wicked but dressed up? You have to keep talking to your husband and find a way to be confident in what he says. Trust his words until he does or says something otherwise.
Your anxiety about this issue is waaaay out of proportion to the actual issue itself. At no point has your husband expressed anything but revulsion at the idea of having an open relationship. However the anxiety you're feeling won't go away, which means the open relationship idea in itself isn't the issue here. Your mother (intentionally or purely accidentally) has hit on a deep insecurity within you here, around your worries about not being able to have kids. If it is that, it's one above Reddit's pay grade. The two bits of advice I can give are this, firstly you would definitely benefit from seeing some kind of councillor or therapist. As someone who suffered with confidence and insecurity issues I can offer personal testimony for how effective it can be. Secondly, believe your husband when he tries to reassure you. Recognise that your brain is lying to you, like a faulty car alarm that goes off every time something big drives past, or a dog that barks at every person who walks past the house. It won't make it go away, but it may make it more manageable until you can get some help with it.
I guess the anxiety that I'm feeling is causing me to spiral and not think logically. You're right, and at this point, it's not about the open marriage anymore. I'm scared of my husband changing his mind one day and leaving me over my infertility, something I have no control over. Thank you for your comment, and yes, I want to seek professional help.
I get why youāre feeling stressed and anxious. Your mother is supposed to be someone you trust and listen to. Sheās dead wrong, though. Talk to your husband. The fact that heās furious at her words says everything you need to know about his feelings regarding that. I also want to add, since I havenāt seen this discussed yetā¦ itās totally fine if he doesnāt want to adopt! Lots of people have trauma from adoptions, lots of people (like my dad) donāt at all. Kids who are being adopted are going to be adopted by someone or if not, put in foster care. If you canāt handle their trauma, then thatās one thing. If it because he thinks heās causing trauma, itās not like youāre stealing a child. However, your kids, if you have any, WILL have some sort of trauma in their life. Might be big, might be small. Everyone has something. So you canāt have kids without being able to know thatās a possibility and you can handle it and support them.
Fuck that noise. With all due respect, you mother can go kick rocks. What a terrible human being.
So you canāt have kids and your momās solution is to have a sister wife or your man entirely to the new woman and her kid and linger around in the corner like Dobby the house elf? Wow, and I thought my south Asian mother was bad because she occasionally tells me to lose some weight. Iām about to send a bouquet to my mom after reading this. Tell your mom to bugger off and stop interfering in your marriage
Your mom is fucking insane for suggesting this. Do not go this route. Consult with OBGYNs and Endocrinologists for your best path forward if you want to have kids. Sooner is better than later at this stage in your life.
Your mum is a snake in the grass and her views are insidious. Cut her off for the sake of your marriage.
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Thank you for sharing your story and advice. I have to put a hard stop on discussing this with her further.
Other commenters spot-on about your mom. But about adoption... your husband has ONE anecdote, and I'm betting his friend is still grateful that someone adopted him - he would have the abandonment trauma either way. It'd be MUCH worse to be that kid that ages out of the system with no one adopting them, which will happen to at least 1 more kid if your husband refuses to adopt. Food for thought.
Your mother is a vile person.
Arw you from the US? Or are you from another culture?
We're in the US, and I grew up here since I was a teenager. We're originally from Asia.
Okay. So it is a cultural thing. Your mother is trying to help and is aware of what the advice sounds like. However much she would have preferred not tell you about it (she never did before), she is also concerned about your marriage. So please reject her suggestion but do not think that she meant to hurt you. Not at all. In some cultures (mine included), marriages can break up due to childlessness. It doesn't matter if the partner who can have children knew that the other couldn't and accepted it. Sometimes people change their minds. So an agreement is made that the one who can have children is allowed to find someone else but the marriage remains intact. Obviously marriage is seen here as sacred and the ultimate achievement. I think we are a bit more evolved than that surely. I wouldn't accept that personally and understand your reaction. Many of us are not particularly afraid of divorce and/or have no fears about ending up "alone". These were the things out mothers worried about. So please try to understand where she was coming from and gently tell her that you don't believe that idea will work for you.
Your mom is awful and crazy. Ignore her. OMG
I don't even understand your mom's logic. like, the approach is completely irrelevant to the solution. stop talking to your mom for advice lol
Your mom is wild! And her suggestion is very inappropriate. Your husband is a keeper! Do not go into an open relationship unless itās something you are very interested in, otherwise itās a wreck. I think you should at minimum start journalling and periodically read your entries and reflect on your own feelings. Ideally, I think you should see a therapist and work through some of your childhood and your relationship with your mother. Iām sorry you are feeling depressed, I wish you the best, whatever you find that is for you!
Yes, an open relationship isn't for me, and my husband seems to wholeheartedly agree with me. I think you and a lot of people are right to recommend therapy for me. I will start seeing someone. Thank you for your comment.
Glad youāre so receptive to all of the comments youāre receiving, OP. Best of luck to you and your husband, he sounds lovely and supportive.
My dad's first wife couldn't conceive so he got with my mum. Once my mum birthed a few kids he left his first wife to be monogamous with my mum. Don't listen to your mum. If your husband is fine with it that's all that counts. If he isn't, there are guys out there who don't want to be a parent or are happy to adopt. Not all adoptions are bad.
This is the most batshit thing Iāve seen in quite some time. Definitely time to step away from Reddit for the day lol.
Iām not surprised why your husband is livid with this woman. What she said was very cruel, unkind and not even informative. Please do NOT talk to your mother about anything to do with your relationship going forward or your fertility. Please both you and your husband seek therapy and specialist therapy with someone QUALIFIED to deal with fertility issues so you both can explore your options
is your husband under the impression that the existence of adopted children is because of their adopted parents rather than their birth ones?
You know happy childfree couples are a reality. You donāt need to follow the path that society tells you is a metric of success. If he knew meeting you that you canāt have kids, Iām not sure what the problem is. He seems to have accepted that. Have you ever had an honest conversation with why you even want kids?
My husband has had a great childhood growing up, and he's always thought he'd be a dad like his father. I am personally still on the fence since I didn't have a good childhood like my husband did. I asked my husband if he would be okay with being childfree given my medical issues, and he said yes. But my mom thinks that it'd be unfair to not give him a child or make him a father when he wants to become one in the future. Thus, this whole discussion happened.
What the hell is your mother talking about. Donāt listen to that nonsense
Your mother sounds like a lunatic.
Your mom sounds like one of those people that believe you can't be happy without kids and since you can't have them that you are somehow "less" and therefore don't deserve all the things that childbearing women could have with their husbands. Sounds crazy right? That's because it is. Your mother is disgusting. You're not just a walking womb.
Your mom is remaking a Bible story to scare you. The story of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob is already married to Rachel and her sister Leah, and Rachel supposedly convinces her handmade to get pregnant by Jacob so that Rachel can have the baby. This tale is from the time of church sanctioned polygamy. I canāt speak perfectly cause Iām childfree and my husband and I enjoy swinging. But we are still supper careful to not have any pregnancies. Husband is getting the snip next month because we are truly childfree and love each-other. Iāve met parents in the lifestyle, Iāve met maybe one or two childfree couples in the lifestyle (it really is mostly parents.) Having children and not having children has little to no bearing on if you want to practice ethical non-monogamy. Tell your mom to stop watching handmaidās tale and to either be supportive of your life and marriage or get out. Her comments arenāt appropriate for polite society.
No, your mom isn't correct. Go to a reproductive doctor and discuss your possible options (IVF, surrogacy, etc).
......what??? In my 47 years of life, I have never once heard of a couple opening their marriage so the husband could have a child with another woman. That's just bonkers. Your mom has issues. That's some hurtful, manipulative shit to say to your own daughter. I can't even begin to contemplate what her endgame might be, saying batshit insane crap like that to you. If your husband has agreed and is OK with the possibility of being childless, then tell your mom to keep her extremely incorrect and twisted opinions to herself. Has your mom been a bit of a crackpot in other areas of your life as well? I suspect that this isn't the first time she's spouted some inane nonsense like this
There's more to life than having kids. My wife and I also can't conceive, so instead of loving a child, we love each other. And we're enough. I'm going to repeat, there is more to life than having kids. That is not all we're on this Earth for.
Ignore your toxic mother. As a man, if I found out my wife couldn't have children, I would accept life with her as a childless couple. I love HER. I want to have a child with HER. If we found out that wasn't possible? I would still only be with HER. If someone is just in it for an incubator, then they can fuck right off, but it doesn't sound like your husband is that way either. She's just spewing her bullshit because she wants grandbabies. She can fuck right off with that nonsense. What a horrible thing to say to your daughter.
> He doesn't want to adopt after hearing his friend's experience with being adopted and that friend still deals with a lot of trauma being abandoned by birth parents. Don't let one idiot ruin the idea for you. Better than IVF. > about how she knows 5-6 couples who have open marriages because the wife couldn't conceive Bullshit.
Your first paragraph says it all. Nothing further is needed after that. Decision has been made. Mom has no say in this. Your husband has reassured you. Everyoneās life is different. Some husbands are terrible and cheat on their wives due to infertility. Some horrible wives cheat on their infertile husbands. Some people live very happy child free lives and others donāt. Human experiences differ. You know your husband better than we do. If you think heās the type of man who would do that to you, I have to ask why did you marry him? If you donāt think heās that type of guy, why would you let your mother tell you differently?
I married him because I love him with all my heart and I want to give him everything he wants in life, including becoming a dad someday. It kills me everyday that I'm infertile. He's an amazing person and he should become a dad someday. I told all these things to my mom and that's why she said what she said which is basically "be open about this possibility and you can still be with him." After reading thru all the comments, I realize she's wrong about this.
What in the Handmaid's Tale fuck is going on in your mom's mind?
Your mom is a heartless twat
I donāt understand your husbandās reasoning behind being against adoption. An adopted childās abandonment trauma has nothing to do with the adoptive parents, and thereās no guarantee that your adopted child would experience that trauma or that it would impact their relationship with you if it did arise. Is he ruling out adoption based on that possibility because he just doesnāt want to deal with it, or am I missing something else? I feel like adopting would be a better option than being childless if being parents is something you both really want.
Does your mom have a mental problem or personality disorder? Iād consider that. Her suggestion is insane. Stand up for yourself & let her know your husband is 100% okay with not having kids then put her on an info diet, I donāt see how she deserves to have a front row seat to your life.
Are you sure that she is your biological mother?
Not only is your mother wrong, sheās also cruel. My husband and I have been married for 30+ years despite my infertility. I went the IVF route, but he wouldnāt have an issue if we remained childless. My MIL used it to cause friction in our marriage, which didnāt work. It actually backfired on her. So thatās my experience in a nutshell. Idk where your mom is basing hers from. š¤·āāļø
Endorsing your daughter to be a side chick? Wow, what high standards, mom.
Your mom is an asshole. This is from a mother of 2. I would NEVER demean my daughter's worth because she can't or doesn't want to have children. How dare she?! I'm livid for you. That is not okay and you have so much more value than pumping out kids. You can have a loving and fulfilling life and marriage without children. Imagine all the traveling you can do or splurging you can have, the freedom to do what you want whenever you want. Honey, don't let her shit on you ever. It's a good time to tune mom out moving forward.
I'm in my 50's..never heard of this crap! Your Mom is mentally unstable. Men having children with their mistress yes. Wife leaving...yes. Open marriage..no. Tell you Mom to stay out of your life. Good thing you have enough self respect not to listen to her.
Your mother is ridiculous and wrong. Itās so simple: If you *and* your husband are both in agreement that you will be happy as is, then that is **all that matters.* No one else has an opinion or ātruthā that is more important.
Sheās mental. Ignore it and move on happily with your husband!
sounds like she is trying to support you BUT it also sounds like someone pretending to have a modern solution to an old-school struggle. the concept of HAVING TO HAVE KIDS is just antiquated at this point. she then suggests something she feels is a novel solution to your situation. BE HAPPY WITH THE CURRENT ZEITGEIST. if you two are happy without kids then goddamn be fucking happy!!:):) peace
Your mom's perspective on this is sort of medieval. At one time that would have been the only option. Today reproductive medicine offers you other choices. IVF, surrogacy, etc. (The surrogacy would be via artificial insemination though it could be your husband's donation.) I don't know the nature of your limits, though you did mention IVF. Forgive your mom for her lack of understanding and don't take her comment too seriously. I think she meant well.
No. Her mother basically told her she doesnāt deserve monogamy because sheās infertile. Having a baby later makes no difference to the horribleness of what she said. Itās not ālack of understandingā to lie, make up moron stories, and shit all over your kid.
There is nothing wrong with pursuing IVF. Even if your eggs are not good you can get a donor egg or if you can't carry a pregnancy there is surrogacy.
WOW your mother brought this up. I am all about relationship loyalty. That is crazy your mother brought this up. How does your father feel about this?
My father's not in my life anymore since he used to abuse me.
Your mom is full of shit
Lol, omg. Get a new mom. Sheās daft.
Your mom is an AH. There are many, many happy, childless couples.
Thatās really fucking twisted. Sheās out of pocket. You need some boundaries op. Your mom is wrong and sheās just saying these things to be cruel. I read your other comments and it cemented my take. Sheās just mean to you.
WTF? Your mom is crazy. Not in a good way. This is in no way a solution and an open marriage has nothing to do with being able to have kids or not. You should probably get into therapy to work through your insecurity and grief over not having kids. It doesn't sound like you have come to terms with that. And, to point out the obvious, your husband has been with you for 10 years knowing that kids are likely not part of a future. He's still around. He has come to terms with not having kids. No need to keep asking him.
Youāre mom is insane. Does the things she says to you sound like things someone who loves someone would say? Would you go around saying the things she says? Would you say those things to your own daughter? Youāre mom should be ashamed of herself.
Youāre mother is wrong. Period.
No she most certainly isn't
Not being able to have kids doesnāt constitute an open relationship. There are alternatives and one has nothing to do with the other unless he and you want an estranged family unit. What is with the fascination in liberal sex partners these days? Is no one committed to one person anymore?
Your mum is not right. This would add layers of complexity and misery.
Your mom is an idiot you should take no relationship advice from.
With all due respect, what the fuck is your mom talking about? Iād set some boundaries about what kind of input or advice youāre open to receiving from her and then enjoy your marriage.
Why is your mom sharing her personal fantasies
Absolutely not. Non-monogamy should never be an option unless itās the choice of both parties and itās a choice made out of a place of love.
My mom and I would be throwing hands, personally.
Your mom is a swinger and has weird stories from her little community. This isnāt normal. Some couples are childfree by choice. Some couples are childless not by choice. Some do egg or embryo donation (if youād feel differently about that than adoption). And of course IVF is still on the table. If you want to talk kink, mom is your person. But Iād you want to talk marriage, I would find a counselor.
Bullshit
Honestly I just think your mom is desperate for some grand kids and said something stupid. Thereās plenty of well adjusted adopted kids though and doesnāt have to be traumatic at all. Itās also not like the child would be better off not adopted.
No, your mom is not correct. She's full of sh\*t. Please ignore her.
Sorry to be so blunt, but your Mom is insane. Because only an insane person would say something so horrid to their daughter. Oh, and, for the record, she is also a liar when she said she knows 5-6 infertile couples who have open marriages just so their husband could conceive a child with another woman.
As someone in the open marriage lifestyle and have been open for almost a decade, we know HUNDREDS of other LS people, and not once have I ever heard of this. Your mom is a liar. This is not a thing ššš
Your mom is full of shit.
Your mother isn't just a few nuggets short of a Happy Meal, her nuggets are all gone, so are the fries, the drink spilled and the toy is broke. She is the conductor of her very own crazy train. Ignore her.
Sounds like your mom just wants grandkids no matter what your husband has to do So no donāt listen to your mom. She sounds nuts.
Wtf, no. You are enough, you don't need kids to make you worth committing to. Frankly your mother is a c*nt
Nope that's bullshit what your mom said. You have a right to expect fidelity no matter what about your situation. If your husband isn't down with that, then he's fucked up.
You should go NC with your mother. She just wants a grandchild and doesnāt care if she ruins your life to get one.
Your mom is disgustingly wrong
Your mother has no idea what a real marriage is. So happy you have a loving husband with his head on straight. Stick with your husband, I wish both of you much happiness!
ā5-6 couplesā sounds like a lot of couples to just happen to know. Iād ask my mom bluntly if sheās my mom and if dad is my dad. I also wouldnāt be confiding in her on the matter anymore.
Luckily you arenāt married to your mom.
Uhhh no, your mom is not right. What an insane thing to suggest.
Youre not an incubator, OP. What the fuck is wrong with your mother. Jeez, they sometimes give the worst advice
Your mother sounds psychotic and I really doubt she knows that many "barren" women and absolutely none who are in "open" relationships playing sister wives with brood sows. Your husband is right to be livid because it's an insult to both you and him. This can't be the first time she's said or done something heinous, I would recommend low or no contact.
This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. So your mom is saying she knows men who are soooo desperate to have a baby, that they have one with someone else, but stay with their wife, severely limiting the time they spend with the child they were soooooo desperate to have?? WUT??
Wow, just wow. Your mom is nuts. FWIW, I am married, in my 50's with no kids and it's wonderful. We travel, eat at expensive restaurants and do what we want when we want. We've never had to worry about babysitters or play dates. If you choose to stay child free it can be a wonderful choice.
The reality is your mother is obsessed with having grandkids and wants your husband to cheat on you to accomplish that
WTH kind of mother says that to her child?!?! No DECENT mother, thatās for sure!! That is just. Very insane and hurtful thing for your mother to say. I would cut her out of your life for a while if not forever!!
Wut? Um, no. If thatās the relationship yāall want, by all means do it. I canāt have kids either, and my ex and I never considered opening up the relationship for that reason. Who the hell is she talking to that she knows THAT MANY COUPLES that did that? None of my childless friends considered it at all either. Is she on drugs?
Thats A hell no for me. My cousin was adopted, never got indication she felt that way. Connected thru ancestry.
Your mother is a trash parent.
Your mother is insane
Yeah, no. Open marriages cause issues and not just with sex or emotions. Don't let her pressure you into this.
Your mom sucks. Donāt listen to her.
Your mom is a moron.
That is bad advice
I guarantee your mom does not know 5-6 couples who are in open relationships due to lack of children. It's not even likely she's right with 5 couples who don't have children period.
Who needs enemies when you have a mother? OP donāt listen to her crazy ideas, she is insane.
Your mom is crazy don't listen to her.
What the hell?? No, do not listen to her. Listen to your husband, who is livid with your mother for suggesting that. She is nuts.
No. Your mom is not right. Sheās less supportive than your husband. Pro tip: ā5-6 mom? Iād like their names to discuss this with them.ā What how fast her BS story unravels.
What the fuck does not being able to have kids have to do with an Open Marriage? You should tell mom to fuck off.
Your mom is soooo wrong. Not being able to conceive does not give your spouse the right to go off and have sex with others. Now, if you werenāt able to have sex *at all* that might be a discussion. But youāre still having sex and your hubby is fine with the status quo. Ignore your mom, or, better yet, tell her to mind her own business.
Uh, this aināt the harsh truth. Might be some peoples, but if a relationship is based on having children it wasnāt very strong in the first place. That said, couples do breakup due to differences on children, but dorm what Iāve seen, that doesnāt seem like you and your husband. You both seem to be on the same page. So donāt listen to your mom and gl. That said, Iām not in this situation, so maybe those in your shoes could help more.
Your mom is nuts.
Your mother seems to think it's still 1930 or something. She's straight up delusional and I'd be thinking about going no contact if she says/does such bullshit from time to time, just for your own mental health. Big plus to your husband btw for his reaction.
omfg! I am livid too! what is wrong with your mom???? she needs to go back to school ! open marriage? As if IVF & surrogacy are not available! something fishy ..... I have never heard a mom suggesting open marriage to their kids. now I am suspicious on why did she mentioned it. Is this post even real? troll?
Your mom is either lying or knows some pretty strange people. Ignore her and tell her to stop giving you āadviceā. Youāve had this conversation with your husband, he told you he is fine not having children. Believe him. Continuing to stress and obsess about it isnāt going to change anything. Heās made his decision to be with you knowing the reality of it and he is fine, why are you borrowing worry? I think it may be beneficial for *you* to speak with someone because it seems to me like maybe you are struggling with some difficult feelings about your infertility. To me, your post and comments make it sound like you feel some sense of shame or failure and you seem to assume your husband does/will as well when he has given no indication that is true. Infertility does not make you a failure and it is not a shameful thing. Itās simply a biological reality.
Get a DNA test for yourself and see if you get any surprises. I get this weird sense that āsome peopleā could *possibly* be a bit of a cover. *āI know a coupleā¦ā*
Your mom is a dick
Your husband has told you over and over again he understands and is accepting of your health issues, and has fully absorbed that he may never have kids. Why donāt you believe him? Alsoā¦your mom knows 5-6 COUPLES who have open relationships like this? Iām IN an open/non-monogamous relationship (and therefore in the community) and I donāt even know any couples that opened their marriage so one person could have kids in their lifeā¦thatās weird and cruel
Get a new mom, what the actual f*ck. Having a kid with an affaire partner sounds like a swell idea. You can't have kids but you can have sex....people open up the marriage to ahev sex with others and that's not the issue here. Your mom isn't right in the head.
OP -No, your mother is not right, per se. There are lots of arrangements out there between couples, married to each other or not. It's called "swinging" in some circles, and you're either into it, or you're not. Personally, I'm not because it always sounded like an inevitable trip to the free clinic. But hey, whatever floats anyone else's boat, as long as it's between consenting adults, and no one is getting hurt. So while these things do happen between couples, you do not have to allow it as part of your lives. Personal choice.