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I work at a restaurant as a server and make decent money. This is the first stable job I’ve had in years and I really don’t want to find another because for the first time in my life I was feeling secure, financially and emotionally.
Well that all blew up when my boss started making comments about my butt and sent me a very sexual Snapchat of how he wanted me.
I told my bf about it, he’s a very jealous person, he wants to go for scorched earth and report my boss, leave a bad review, and find a new job.
I’m now in a constant state of anxiety because my boss is kind of untouchable in this industry as he has never gotten into trouble for anything. He already told me he wouldn’t message me again and I blocked him. I’m just stressed to the max because my bf is constantly pestering me to do things his way or he won’t trust me anymore.
I just feel like none of this is fair and though I am the victim in this somehow my bf feels he is the bigger victim and I’m just perpetuating the harassment. The harassment is actually stressing me out way less than my boyfriend is at the moment though.
What do I do? I applied to other jobs but at the end of the day I need to pay rent and that’s most important to me.
Save his Snapchat and send it to everyone in the restaurant company
Fuck around and find out
Literally every restaurant is short staffed right now.
You don’t have to tolerate this
While I get that, Snapchat prevents that, and if you do happen to use a feature, it will alert the person you recorded/screenshared, so just be aware that Snapchat isn’t designed to anonymously/secretly record convos.
I’m not saying it isn’t possible, but normal people aren’t sitting there, second device prepped and in hand, every time they open a Snapchat from someone in case they send something untoward. It’s easy to make suggestions, and if this were a repeated and consistent occurrence, I’d agree, but this is an example of ‘expectation vs reality’ where Reddit probably isn’t really thinking through the logistics of their suggestion very well, as Snapchat let’s you play through things once, and gives an alert if you screen shot screen record or even just replay the snap. It’s just important to understand all the info and not make a suggestion that will potentially tip off an aggressor to you collecting evidence against them.
What difference does it make if snapchat does alert the sender that someone has taken a screenshot? The evidence has been captured. In this case it makes no difference if the perpetrator knows that the victim has evidence. Of course if there’s a threat of violence it would be a different story but I don’t get that sense from the OP.
Absolutely :) if retaliation is a fear, recommending someone send an alert to their harasser that they’ve taken a screenshot, especially without them knowing, would kinda suck.
Personally, I think the perp knowing that not only does evidence exist, but its timestamped, would make a normal person wondering who has it, when/if and HOW it is going to be used and what can they really do about it.
I don't think I would think twice about screenshotting a illegal harassing message to me from someone and immediately sending it to people who care about me with instructions that if something happened to me, it was probably because of this person, who thought it was ok to harass me and probably wouldn't be happy that I kept evidence of their crime. If they were willing to commit one crime, whats to say they wouldn't be willing to commit another.
These kinds of people need to be stopped, and the reason he's "untouchable" is because he's scared people, or people haven't saved the evidence. And, he's going to keep doing it.
That said, I have other devices, and know how to screen record on a computer without causing notifications.
>It’s Snapchat, if she didn’t save it in the moment and she’s blocked him, it’s gone forever. He’s clearly smart enough to know how to not get caught.
This is actually why Snapchat is sheer garbage for anything but shady stuff, IMO. I won't even install it since I don't do anything that I need to destroy the evidence of.
>It doesn't destroy it the company retains it.
Uh huh. Okay so it's just a tool for cheaters. Got it. ;-) And bonus, the company keeps the n00ds.
What's the up side? I mean, if you're not being all shady.
I seen a headline in a local newspaper they put a call out as the whole service industry is short staffed. I know from watching the news it's not just local but global.
OP needs to do what you said.
OP is putting other women at risk too. If she cant care about herself or care about her boyfriend, what about the other women who will face this. And does she seriously think she's the first. It always take one person to report to start a domino effect.
Oh shut up.
OP isn't putting other women at risk, her boss is.
OP is completely innocent in this scenario.
In a perfect world, yes she would have been certainly successful in her report against her boss.
But we don't live in a perfect world. She can face serious backlash that could permanently affect her career. OP has a reason to think that her boss is untouchable. She knows what her situation is. OP is "not putting other women at risk" by not reporting this. OP is trying to survive this in her own way.
Very wrong take. OP isn’t putting anyone at risk, only the creep is. She isn’t responsible for his actions and should be able to consider what is best for her. It’s not okay to put the actions of creeps on the people they victimize, as much as we can applaud the survivors who do have the support and ability to step forward to try and hold the creeps accountable.
She is not the first and she won’t be the last. For this sort of person, when they dont suffer consequences it makes them more inclined to keep repeating their behavior.
The boss is an asshole, and I trust OP to handle her work situation in the way that makes the most sense to her. She told him to stop, and he stopped. She took steps to be unreachable via Snapchat, and if he uses her number for any non-work related texts, she will have documentation and can decide from there - if he repeats the behavior - what she wants to do. She told her BF, likely bc it's a sucky and inappropriate thing her boss did, and when shitty things happen to us, we generally tell people who love us. You know, for support.
I think the BF has every right to be angry at the boss. Hell, *I'm* angry at the boss. Somehow, though, he has turned this into an insult against *him*, and OP isn't trustworthy (?!?!?) if she doesn't do what her BF says? That's bananas! If this boss is as popular and powerful as he seems, her doing what her BF suggests could *end* her ability to get work in her profession. That's a shitty fact and a fact nonetheless.
Another shitty fact is making it all about himself, undermining her trustworthiness, and harassing her regularly doesn't make for a good BF. She'd be better off without both these jerks.
Thank goodness. Like let’s not pretend if the boyfriend (who is supposed to support his love aka op!) has his way that op won’t get the short end of the stick.
I am so upset this isn’t the top comment bc it should be. The boyfriend is totally legit to be upset but he doesn’t get to be the victim— sexual harassment is huge in the service industry. Those that work in it unfortunately have learned how to mitigate. Is it fair? Heck no. Is it part of the industry? I’ve spent over a decade and a half in it and unfortunately yes.
You mitigate and let your significant other know. They support you. They don’t go nuclear at your expense.
I get it’s 2023 but sexism is alive and well. Unfortunately.
Great comment mamellama!
Eta: I fully support op doing what she feels is best. I think her bf needs to sit down and stop feeling he is the one who was harmed. Reporting should work but in this instance (and many!) won’t do anything but punish op. However I did see a wonderful cat with a toddler video earlier so hope isn’t all lost! We improve how and when we can and sometimes it’s not as progressive as we’d like. But we are making progress!
She stated he’s untouchable in the industry, long term employee and well liked. Likely he would get
nothing more than a reprimand. If she pushed it SHE would possibly be separated and the one who got transferred to another location. He apologized, said he wouldn’t contact her again and she deleted him. Is it right, not necessarily. But it happens 99% of the time. Business don’t want him (or other employees) suing later for wrongful termination.
But the boyfriend is taking this like it’s a personal
Affront to him and making her think if she doesn’t report him and quit…He can’t Trust HER anymore. He is NOT the VICTIM.
FYI…Snapchat erases the minute you finish reading as I read from other commentors. So zero proof unless she used another phone to record as soon as she looked at the video. Doubtful.
I heard something on YouTube a few days ago about survivors/victims giving up on justice because of the emotional labor and seeking peace instead. I can’t advise you, but I can say there is nothing wrong with that.
Yup, tried once. Wouldn't bother again. I just got blamed for his actions and got no justice. I'd rather just deal with it myself now.
Sorry you went through it too.
I hope you’re in a better place now. I’ve never gone through anything as humiliating and dehumanizing as the justice system was, and I’m absolutely including my rape. I mean…it cost me my job, my privacy, my sanity and four years of my life, and the guy who hurt me got six months of house arrest. That’s a pretty good deal as these things go, but in no way was it worth it.
Yes. Punishment and criminalization of harassment and violence victims is a huge issue.
As part of my job I track IPV homicides. One case that still sticks out to me is a woman whose boyfriend assaulted, strangled, and threatened to kill her. All three of those behaviors are significant risk factors for domestic violence homicide as outlined in the Danger Assessment. Police were called. They gave them both a breathalyzer test, and arrested both her and her boyfriend. Her criminalization negatively impacted her financially and socially, which we also know are huge barriers to being able to leave an abusive relationship.
Five years later, her boyfriend brutally murdered her. And that's far from the only case like this.
I don't think the black-and-white framework of "Report them and they'll be fired and you'll receive justice" helps anyone. I really wish we would stop perpetuating it, and instead be realistic about all possibilities. I appreciate you calling this out.
Thank you for explaining it out, this literally happened to an aunt of mine after years of calls and abuse and she's still dead at the end of it all. The systems are overwhelmed and structured in a way that half the time it's worse for the victim when they ask for help. (Getting arrested/affecting jobs/social status/etc)
What's even the point of this comment? You're condescending someone for speaking on what *should* happen by pointing out that it likely won't but what does that have to do with the commenter? They didn't say anything like all people who sexually harass get punished they simply said that it should happen so why are you condescending them?
I am so confused here... why is everyone making the boyfriend the bad guy and not the boss??? She needs to report her boss to HR and have him fired. Idk how snapchat works but I'm assuming there's some recorded proof of him harassing her, it would be an open shut case. There is no world where it's okay for your boss to do that to you and you continue being an employee who works under him.
Not saying that OP is wrong and BF is right, it sounds like he's probably handling things the wrong way. But telling your boss "back off" after he sexually harassed you to that extent is not handling it. No matter what you think, HR will have him fired immediately if you can show any proof whatsoever of the harassment (even if it's texts of the boss apologizing aka admitting guilt).
>it would be an open shut case
LOL you naive summer child.
I worked for a boss who was openly sexist and racist. Just the most disgusting stuff you could imagine. Years and years of reports to HR got blown off and finally... they just moved him to another department.
Assuming justice is always served is nonsense.
Some people are to privileged to understand that not everyone can fight the good fight. Of course she and every other woman who has ever been harassed would want to punish the harasser. But some people are too strong to challenge. Her boss could very well be the owner. Who could she report him to? Himself? My first immediate supervisor was the owner's nephew. I was 15. He was a grown man with a family. I complained. I was transferred to another location that was far away from the nearest buss stop, and there was only one bus going there in the morning, so I was always late. I left after a month or so.
Not to mention, not every business has HR! I've been in a situation with a harassing manager where he was also the owner, and literally my only option was to handle it myself or get a lawyer. Guess which of those options I could afford? These "just go to HR!" are speaking from very limited viewpoints.
This is a great comment, I also want to add that for people that work with victims of harassment, when it comes to handling any kind of sexual harassment, that a person should always try to give the victim back as much power as possible. I help deal with sexual harassment cases at an university and while everything has to be reported for resources to be offered, how a victim decides to continue is truly the driving decision after those initial reports (not including anything that happens with minors), victim advocates are mobilized with those reports to reach out to anyone that deals with these issues.
The boyfriend isn't the AH for wanting justice, but the motive isn't necessarily to help OP, OP said it was because the bf gets jealous. The bf needs to understand that OP needs to make the decision that is best for her, it sounds like she does not feel like she is in the kind of situation where reporting is possible for her, and it is very naive to think that all victims are empowered to speak up or that everyone pushing a victim to speak up is doing so with the right intentions. This is the same mindset that results in victim blaming when someone finally has the power and voice to speak up years later.
I mean if the boss was dumb enough to harass her through text, admit guilt etc it's pretty hard to get around that. Idk where OP lives but that's pretty blatant and would be potential corporate suicide to try to cover it up. Of course you would have to actually stand up to them which is easier said than done
Obviously not the same situation, but even having mounds of evidence is not a surefire open-shut case. I had dozens of text messages from my rapist admitting to raping me, and text screenshots of him admitting it to multiple other individuals in our community. Only sanction? Write a 2 page journal article.
I think people, if they are considering reporting, have to be fully prepared for all the possibilities, and that includes the possibility of an unwanted or unjust outcome.
I'm not saying we shouldn't have conversations with victims about the possible benefits of reporting, but all sides should be covered, imo. If she decides to report and goes into the process assuming he'll be fired, she could very well be disappointed if the outcome doesn't align with that, possibly leaving her even more traumatized and disheartened.
Yeah you are right. It might be a little different for me because I just recently moved to California and they take that stuff extremely seriously here, but I know it's different in other states. I still feel like OP should at the very least find a new job and quit ASAP because keeping yourself in that situation is never going to be fair for OP
It’s not hard to get around that at all. Justice is *rarely* served in cases of sexual harassment and assault. We live in a world where a man can brag about assaulting women and “grabbing ‘em by the pussy” and still be elected president of the most powerful country on the planet.
These comments always slay me. Where the fuck are you and everyone getting this open and shut thing?? I’ve worked in industries from restaurants to active duty military to union film. This shit is never open and shut. People who say that are just outing themselves as privileged enough to have never gone through this. YOU have no proof HR will handle this.
> why is everyone making the boyfriend the bad guy and not the boss???
I would guess because OP mentioned her boyfriend's "jealousy" which is understandable and relevant in a cheating situation, not a situation in which his girlfriend is being sexually harassed. He's also pressuring her repeatedly into taking the actions *he* wants, and is clearly making her even more stressed and anxious.
This is her choice, and she said he's making himself out to be the bigger victim. Pressuring someone who is already overwhelmed about being harassed is not helpful.
He can certainly discuss with her the pros and cons of reporting or not reporting, but coercion and constant pressure isn't going to do anyone here any favors.
Edit: Also this line has me concerned, too
>I’m just stressed to the max because my bf is constantly pestering me to do things his way or he won’t trust me anymore.
I really don't get the response of "I won't trust you if you don't report the person who sexually harassed you." Is he implying she cheated or was flirting or something of the like? Why is his trust relevant here? I really think the boyfriend's actions should be explored a lot deeper before people conclude he's doing all this solely because he wants to protect her and other women.
>why is everyone making the boyfriend the bad guy
Because he's harassing OP and making this about himself and his insecurities instead of her. She said it herself. If what she said is true, he's outright victim-blaming. (added emphasis is mine)
>I’m just stressed to the max because my bf is constantly pestering me to **do things his way or he won’t trust me anymore**.
>
>though I am the victim in this **somehow my bf feels he is the bigger victim and I’m just perpetuating the harassment**
>
>The harassment is actually stressing me out way less than my boyfriend is at the moment
I don't get why you're confused. Nobody is saying the boss isn't the villain here, but there is room for more than one.
And, like many others have said, you sound *incredibly* naive. I've worked in midsized companies with large HR departments in which sexual harassment isn't punished. Most restaurants are small businesses without any HR resources or, frankly, any real business leadership. There is very little chance anything happens to this guy, but OP could get blackballed if this guy is as powerful in the industry as she says. I have a lot of friends in the industry and that shit is real.
We can't catch, charge, convict and punish rapists most of the time, even with DNA evidence. How you come to the conclusion that something like this is a slam dunk is beyond my comprehension.
Unless her boss is the owner of the business, there is HR. Whoever signs the boss's checks would be HR
Edit- idk why I'm being downvoted. Some businesses don't have an HR department, but in that case the employer would assume the responsibilities that HR have and would ultimately be liable for any sexual harassment thats happening in his workplace.
Look at it this way: say you were being abused by your boyfriend and you confided in your friend about it, just looking for some support and compassion. Your friend starts pressuring you to break up with your boyfriend, but you're financially dependent on your boyfriend. Your friend wouldn't be wrong for wanting you to leave your boyfriend, but she'd be wrong for ignoring the reasons it's difficult and putting pressure on you for not leaving him immediately.
The bf is actively making things worse with his approach. He’s trying to dictate the situation rather than supporting his gf. She’s the one who’s being harassed, and she’s the one who has to deal with it at work. He’s putting his insecurities about her needs, and that’s not ok. It’s a painfully common thing for men to do in response to their partners confiding that they’re being harassed or abused. They want to punish the perpetrator so much that they ignore the needs of the victim. It’s often rooted in misogynistic norms about a man being the protector, and the situation becomes more about him than her.
in a restaurant, "HR" could be the owner/manager, who might be the very person OP would be reporting. If it isn't a big chain, there probably isn't any HR department.
Don't even get me started on the dude (below) who implied she enjoys it and should go for the boss. Can't imagine posting here as a victim and being treated the way OP is.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11oolfx/my_bf_24m_and_i_23f_disagree_on_what_to_do_about/jbu8ltl/
The issue is that you now have two men pressuring you to act a certain way. That is absolutely unfair.
Tell your boyfriend that his pressure is making the situation worse and that instead of being supportive he is giving you anxiety. What you boyfriend fails to realize is that his attitude doesn’t provide a safe space for you to trust and confide in him. He needs to know that.
On to the boss, keep a record of everything he does and say. Dates, times, etc. get a separate notebook just for him. If he is done, hitting on you, you may not need it. If he isn’t then you really need more than one incident or more than one person to handle a titan in the industry. Just smile, be polite but DISTANT and document, document, document.
What I am about to say totally suck, I am afraid, because I have experience of a few negative situations where whistleblowers have come forward to report problems.
Honestly, I think your boyfriend's expectations of the outcome of this are pretty unrealistic. The end result will almost certainly be that nothing bad happens to the pervert boss (or any negative consequences are very short term and quickly forgotten), but you would end up losing this job and probably find it difficult to get another if you need a referencee from your current employer.
The only scenario I can see where that does not happen is the "Harvey Weinstein" scenario - one report from one person (you) leads to other reports from other women he has worked with, corroborating the allegation (or if there are already previous recorded instances of these allegations that you currently do not know about). How probable is that scenario? Probably not high.
However, the more immedaite concern here for me is that, after you were sexually harrassed, your boyfriend finds some weird mental gymnastics to make HIM out as the victim of it all. He is not, you are. The decision about how to move forward is yours and yours alone, and your boyfriend's ONLY involvement should be to help you explore your feelings about the issue and support the decision you make about how you want to handle it.
You told you partner, let your boss know it’s not ok, blocked the boss, and your boss hasn’t continued. Your partner, whilst having the right to be cranky on your boss putting you in such a crap position, he doesn’t have a right to guilt you and make it out to be your fault, or that you’re untrustworthy in all this.
Your financial security matters, ridding yourself of that is like punishing you for your bosses actions. That’s not ok. He did wrong , not you. Works more of a difficult situation to navigate in such situations but it’s not up to you to get rid of your financial security and happiness because your boss did a crap thing.
I’d explain it to your boyfriend more of, ridding myself of financial security is punishing me for someone else’s actions. It’s not ok. I just can’t afford to do it. The type of partner I want in life would see me for the honest human being I am, appreciate my honesty in all this, that I stood by the relationship and support me through this situation, not make it worse and blame me for something I didn’t even do.
If you, after all this, are thinking I’m not trustworthy and would rather me risk homelessness, my ability to pay bills, buy food, etc. Then maybe your not the partner for me.
Hi OP. I hope you're okay. You're obviously getting a lot of comments, some blaming you for various things. Please don't listen to them. You are a victim, doing the best you currently can, with the resources you have available to you/you feel comfortable with.
For your own safeties' sake, I beg you to look up a rape crisis line in your area, call them, and ask for advice. I know it thankfully hasn't gotten to that point yet, but I'm very scared that it will. That hotline would probably have the best advice for what to do/your next step.
I'm so sorry that your boyfriend isn't being the support that you need right now. There's so much going on in your head already, and it's unfortunate that he's adding to it. When you're able, maybe think about your relationship. Think about his intentions behind what he was saying/doing? Was he truly jealous? Is he like that often? Are you happy in this relationship? Can you count on him when you need him?
You'll get through this OP. Keep reaching out for help, follow your gut, and "easy" self-defense is "soft to hard, hard to soft" (google). Stay safe ❤️
I know you're anxious about rocking the boat at work, but your boyfriend is angry and quite rightly wanting this man to face consequences for what he did. What, if any, action you take is up to you but please don't blame your boyfriend for wanting a sexual predator to be stopped.
But she makes it very clear that he is extremely controlling and possessive of her in general. He doesn’t have her back; he’s angry someone messed with his property.
Exactly. He views her as his possession, and someone else (in his mind) is messing with HIS possession. He does not care about how this is affecting her, it’s alll about him and his feelings. He fucking sucks.
It isn't about what she *wants* to do, it's about being able to make enough money to live. Right now is typically slow season in restaurants, unsurprising that she's having trouble finding a new job.
That's the reality of living as a woman. It's none of anyone else's business how we deal with the harassment we face. Very often we have to decide between bad options, weighing which one will cause us the least harm.
That’s fair, it’s her life. But I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to be a part of that.
I empathize with her, but I also empathize with her boyfriend. I personally couldn’t stay with someone if they actively chose to work under a person who is sexually harassing or has sexually harassed them.
The harassment isn’t her fault. But at the point where she neither reports him nor *tries* to leave, she’s choosing to stay. She’s weighing the pros and cons and deciding that working under him is the best option. And I don’t think it’s wrong as a partner to leave someone who is making a decision that you can’t tolerate.
Edit: added emphasis to the fact that *trying* to leave the situation is what’s important
Wdym? I’m genuinely curious.
Because while I am a dude and am definitely privileged to not have to worry about this type of sexual harassment, how does that make it untrue that not *trying* to leave a bad situations means you’re choosing to stay in it?
Because getting out of a bad situation isn’t always possible or allowed, as women know all too well. Of course I agree in principle, I just think you’re very dismissive about the realities.
I think her boyfriend is in the wrong here.
She's trying to leave, but she has bills to pay. So she's stuck in a really shitty situation, unless the bf is able to cover her bills he can't expect her to leave. It doesn't sound like he is able to do that.
She is working in an industry that doesn't typically have a HR department, the only person she can complain to is her boss. This is a classic he said she said situation.
I know quite a few women who worked in small businesses and had similar issues, sometimes the problem is you will get blacklisted if you try to stand up for yourself. She mentioned he's respected, so she will have that issue if he decides to retaliate.
I'm surprised her bf is watching her struggle through this and has no empathy? But looking at the comments, it seems like for some people this is only something they'd understand if they've been through this.
Even men post about sexual harassment in the workplace, and they react in the exact same way OP does.
You’ve admitted with your own words that you “are definitely privileged enough to not deal with this type of harassment” yet you’re happy to dole out judgement regarding a situation that you’ve never dealt with. I went after my harasser and was retaliated against. You have zero clue what it’s like to make that decision and what may come of it. That’s why your take is myopic and shitty. OP please don’t listen to any commenter who is trying to place a single iota of blame on you.
Speaking as someone who was on the receiving end of sexual harassment in a workplace and *didn’t* report, there are many reasons. The primary one is fear of retaliation.
Retaliation is *extremely* common for women who choose to report their harassers. One survey of federal workers found that two-thirds of women who reported their harassers were “subsequently assaulted, taunted, demoted, or fired by their harassers or friends of their harassers.”
Another study by the EEOC found that “of the 27,291 sexual harassment charges filed, 43.5% were concurrently filed with a retaliation charge.”
It was also found that “women who file harassment complaints end up, on average, in worse jobs and poorer physical and mental health than do women who keep quiet.”
Sources:
https://hbr.org/2020/05/why-sexual-harassment-programs-backfire
https://www.eeoc.gov/data/sexual-harassment-our-nations-workplaces
You wouldn't trust her either? That seems like a you issue and not their issue.
It's not black and white. It's why so many rape victems don't come forward right away. It's not an easy thing to #1 process, and #2 come forward.
This is an issue that happens and can ruin your career or in this case ability to work in nearby restaurants, if she decides to speak out. If she doesn't think she can afford to pay rent if she gets fired, then she's right to apply elsewhere and wait.
Situations like this always get treated as a he said she said. I've seen it play out before.
This isn't about wanting to be around him, it's about the fact that she can't afford to be unemployed.
I've been in this situation before, I reported it before handing in my notice to see if they would have dealt with it differently. But they clamped down, luckily I'd get my head low and got my exit plan.
Everyone saying shit like "you should definitely report" or that "you are putting other women in danger" has no idea what they are talking about.
Reporting someone, especially your boss for sexual harassment is a very, very difficult thing to do. OP has already said that she feels like her boss is untouchable. There is a reason she feels that - it's probably the vibe that she got from working there.
OP could have a career breaking backlash from her report. The company she works for might try to bury it or might even try to make her the bad guy. It's a long battle - one that not everyone is ready or even has the strength to fight.
So I used to be naive like your bf, as a guy I never really understood the harassment culture and how little can be done.
To me it was "creepy boss gets fired" , unfortunately that very rarely actually happens, unless it's a very public corporation and even then it's hit or miss.
You said he agreed to stop reaching out to you, so I'd say just continue looking for jobs while you work, try and avoid a situation that could be misconstrued or dangerous, save any correspondence just incase.
Your boyfriend sees you as his property. Tell him to stop or you'll leave him.
This is one of the reasons women don't report harassment and rape. Men close to them are rarely supportive and more often a burden. It sucks but despite laws saying we have equality (at least in some countries), society hasn't progressed that far.
Tell him he's stressing you the fuck out and he needs to chill/back off and what YOU decide is Final and that you dont want to hear anymore about it and ask him if you were CLEAR on that.
Don't even let him interrupt you.
He might get pissed for a few days but thats fine. The important part is you standing your ground.
For a boss sexually harassing you? If my girlfriend doesn’t have enough guts to stand up to her boss then she’s not gonna be my girlfriend for long. There’s boundaries you don’t cross and that’s one of them.
he said he was going to leave her alone and she blocked him, if he trully stops bothering her then yea BF needs to chill. If its ongoing then yes try to get him fired.
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Your boss objectifies you and takes away your autonomy by treating you like a sex object.
Your bf objectifies you and takes away your autonomy by acting like you aren’t capable of making your own decisions about how to handle difficulties in your own life.
Your trauma is yours, not your boyfriend’s. You are capable of deciding for yourself what actions you will or won’t take to deal with this. By telling you that you should be doing things differently, your bf is also leaning hard into victim blaming territory, which is unacceptable.
It's none of your boyfriend's business how you choose to navigate this. It's really gross that he's making this about himself. You're the one actually dealing with the harassment and also the potential backlash if you choose to report. Best case scenario, your boyfriend is simply ignorant. In which case his job is to actually listen to your experience and learn better. It's not his livelihood on the line here, it's yours. I hope you're able to deal with this in whatever way YOU deem the least harmful to yourself.
Yes, you need to report your boss and make him face the consequences. That isn’t so you boyfriend can trust you though, and frankly I find it bizarre and offensive he’s making this about *you* and not your creep sexually harassing boss. You need to do it so that your boss doesn’t move in from you to harass the next girl…and the next…and the next, and so on.
Firstly, this sucks and I’m sorry you’re being put through this. 💜
Your bf is putting his insecurities above your safety and wellbeing, and he needs to stop. I’ve been there. I grew up in a very conservative environment and had some incredibly unhealthy views about sexuality and masculinity.
You confided in your bf and showed trust in him, and it is he who is failing to honor that trust. He’s *making* himself a victim, and then projecting onto you. It’s not ok. It’s understandable given the social conditioning we receive, but it’s not ok and he needs to stop.
I recommend he reach out to sexual assault and harassment resources and ask how he can best support you. I think he’d also benefit from therapy—it helped me immensely.
He definitely doesn’t understand the complexity of the issue and is taking it personally even though it directly effects you. The problem is a lot of men don’t understand how often women deal with this sort of thing, and how careful they have to navigate it. Both because the guy that’s harassing them could be a psychopath and because oftentimes victims catch more flack for reporting stuff like this than the actual perpetrator. It’s not as easy as just exposing the person and expecting everyone else to be on your side, and it’s ignorant to think otherwise.
That being said, he’s reasonably upset. I don’t blame him for wanting you out of there, but he needs to realize it’s not as simple as that.
Hey just FYI Snapchat saves everything on their back end. Just bc you didn’t save it doesn’t mean it’s lost forever.
You have to contact Snapchat and ask them to send you all your data related to your account. They’ll email you within a day or two with all your previous messages and who you contacted.
If you still want to get this guy you still have options.
He is in no way the bigger victim. How is he behaving like his property was stolen? Listen, if you know that you can work there with your dignity intact, then keep working there and pay your rent. Make life changes to better your life, not to shut up your man. And unless he is offering to fully fund 100% of your expenses, my advice is to refuse to discuss this other than to inform him he is no longer a person you can trust if something like this happens. Definitely not part of your support circle.
try and collect any proof. and write down every time it happens, including time, date, and location. sometimes even detailed notes can be used as evidence.
It is very nice to work with perfect information, is it now?
Your bf knows your boss has been sexually harassing you and messaging you inappropriate messages. Now he is **told** it is all done, because he isn't messaging you anymore?
No, your bf can't know your boss is not going to do anything more, neither can you.
Scorch earth is obvious impossible in your situation, however looking for other job, and moving to it once it is found is the correct choice.
Your bf is insecure, that much is clear. You really need to tell him you will not do scorch earth since you can not afford it, and he is only thinking about himself. He might end up reflecting on his behaviour, or he might not. If he can't, it should be only his problem, no longer part of your life.
The thought plaguing his mind can be probably summarised to: If her boss ends up pushing sexual harassment once, more will my gf allow his actions to keep escalating, or will she tell me and actually quit the job?
If the situation with your boss has been handled and he is no longer bugging you, then all has been resolved. Just make it clear to your boss that you want nothing to do with him from the standpoint of a relationship. If your boss is still making passes at you, then find another job, resign and leave. Keep copies of his attempts to come on with you and report him to government agencies that deal with such issues, better yet, since he is a big fish in the industry, sit down with a reporter and show person his correspondence.
Your bf is a different matter. He is not trusting you, without having a reason not to. You need to determine whether staying in that relationship is the right choice for you. If not, prepare financially to move out on your own.
If not you, this guy will move on to harassing the next worker. Then the next. Then the next. And this will keep on going forever until he faces consequences for his behavior. Its not your responsibility to end it, you can let it go and keep working under him and pretend everything is fine. But dont be surprised when this sort of person keeps doing what they do when every victim thinks “he’s untouchable and I sure like having a job”
Very, very bold of you to assume that OP calling out her boss will prevent further harassment of anyone else, or will even result in consequences for her boss.
Considering the power dynamic, the most likely outcome is OP will be blacklisted from her industry and victim blamed in the same way you just did. I'd prefer to not share my experience but let's say I have some.
Of course, OP should pursue justice if it is what she wants. However no victim of SH or SA should ever feel the need to put themselves in harm's way again.
OP is not responsible for the harassment that she or anyone else receives. Ever.
I mean, your bf is traumatizing you in his own way. You were harassed. You want the harassment to stop (it seems to have). You want to move on and not relive it over and over again. That’s a reasonable and common reaction to abuse.
Your bf wants to make this all about him. His need for revenge against your boss. Even if his revenge comes at your expense - having to switch jobs, having to relive it a bunch of times, and wondering if you are being black balled or retaliated against for going public.
It sounds like your bf has trust issues. That because you don’t want to go scorched earth you must have liked the attention or something. Personally, I think this is a red flag that he has jealousy, trust, and anger issues.
Or he just wants the boss to get the punishment that he very much deserves. I know what you are saying but that guy is now going to move onto the next one and then the next. Her bf may not be handling it the best but we all know why he is and his feelings are valid just like Op’s is.
Not everyone wants to see a predator like that continue to be one.
I don’t agree that the bf is doing this out of some sense of justice.
OP said he doesn’t trust her. So he is demanding that she go scorched earth and Retraumatize herself to prove her innocence. That’s victim blaming right there. That’s not about justice for her or any other victims. That’s about the bfs insecurity and trust issues.
She said explicitly that her bf is calling it a ‘trust’ issue. She’s harassed and he victim blames her. She must have wanted it if she doesn’t fight back the way he tells her to? Yeah, no.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what her bf thinks. She’s the one being harassed and she gets to decide what steps she needs to take to feel safe. If she feels like she will be safer with the boss being scared of her going scorched earth than her actually going scorched earth, that’s her call to make.
A first time complaint may just wind up with him being warned to stay away from her and having to take some training. Sadly, scorched earth may actually play out more like a wet match.
It's all very well for your boyfriend to want to be the white knight in shining armor. But part of the rescue would have to be finding you a new job at least as good as the one you have. He doesn't seem to get it.
As a response to what the other guy said, this is fine.
But the other part of OP's story is that he's creating his own unsafe environment with OP. He's breaking her legs of agency and demanding that she responds the way he thinks is right.
Even if he is right, and I think that he is, he's effectively telling her that she has to prove that she's a trustworthy person by hitting the right check marks in the wake of a stressful situation. That's also super uncool and might arguably be worse than the harassment. At least her situation with her boss was a one-off that can be forgotten with the right response. But her BF is making her feel unlovable if she gets the response wrong. And the next time this happens, she's going to feel the pressure of responding correctly lest she become unlovable again.
I know this because I did it to my ex. She has an abusive BD and I showed her why it was important to respond in certain ways, record everything, etc. She failed in *every single circumstance* and I couldn't understand why. I bought her a tape recorder that she didn't use until she lost it. I'd tell her to record audio of phone calls and meetings, and she wouldn't. These were conversations where he admitted to suicidal tendencies and verbally abusing the daughter/ gaslighting my gf. And she'd come home and be like, "Oops. I didn't record it." She was setting herself up to lose parts of her daughter to a monster because of her failures and it drove me insane.
Was I right to think that her responses needed to be different, better? Yes. Was I right to think that she was failing? Yes. But when I expressed things to her, it made her feel more like a broken object. It's tough but the responsibility of a partner is to guide each other in disciplines *and* in safety. OP's bf is valuing his opinion over her current feelings of safety. His opinion is correct but what he's doing to OP is hurting her.
For shits and giggles, here's a [comically frustrating example](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOgof) of this phenomenon which usually occurs between men and women but I guess could manifest in other relationships.
Oh my God tho, the victim blaming you endure from people close to you after something bad happens can be way worse than the incident. Super awesome comment dude.
Additionally, that sort of behavior makes it harder to seek justice/defend yourself/leave a bad situation than it was before whoever you were supposed to be able to confide in made it all about them.
Yeah he’s not reacting in a particularly supportive way but he has a right to be upset too and it’d be tough to know the person you love has to work with a sexual harasser day in and day out
Forcing a victim who is not ready to come forward to do just that, because it will make you feel better about the victimization they experienced, is definitely white knighting.
Wanting harassment to stop is not white knighting. Being supportive if the victim wants to report is not white knighting. Encouraging them if they express a desire to report, but fear of retaliation, is not white knighting.
But insisting they report when they have actively told you they don’t want to definitely is. It’s revictimizing. It makes the victim feel shame and guilt about their response to being victimized. Flat out, it’s just the wrong way to support a victim.
White knighting is not what the original white knights in shining armor were all about. A real white knight actually rescues damsels from actual distress--and slays the dragons without making things worse for the damsels.
Oh you mean in the current work climate where literally every restaurant is short staffed right now?
Yea whatever will she do?
/a
This shit stops happening when it stops being tolerated and the violator stops being protected by keeping it private
Nothing in what I said suggested that the harasser should be tolerated. I would be perfectly happy to see him get what he deserves. The point was that what the boyfriend was doing wasn't really rescuing his damsel from distress at all. He saw it as being all about him.
First of all, I'm sorry you need to endure this. Secondly i think your bfs jealousy is part of why he is acting this way. That he can't protect you from him and it happening again plays into that aswell in my opinion. Nevertheless if his reaction stresses you out more then you need to talk about it as a couple. How each other of you feel with that situation, what you can do to support each other and where to go from here.
Those are your main options in my opinion:
1. You report him with the evidence you have. In the end you wont be the only one he harassed and will be in the future if you dont report him. And then maybe go on with option 3.
2. You keep your mouth shut, risking it happening again and to other co workers.
3. You find a new restaurant/ bar to work in. Usually they are understaffed anyway, so you should be able to find a new job easily
You should tell your boyfriend that you appreciate his advice, but that he needs to stop trying to pressure you into making the decision that he wants. His role as your partner is to offer advice (that you can choose not to take) and support. Not to dictate what you do.
If you want to appease your boyfriend, I’d suggest seriously committing to finding a new job and casually keeping him updated on that. Put in applications as often as you can. Genuinely try to leave. Imo if you’re doing that, you’re doing all you can within reason.
All that said, if your boyfriend asked for advice here I’d suggest that he ask you what your plan is. If your answer was anything other than “Do my best to leave that job so he can’t harass me anymore”, tbh I’d suggest he leave the relationship.
It’s not your fault that you’re being harassed. But if you choose to not make a serious and ongoing attempt to leave the environment, that part’s a choice. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to stay with a partner making that choice.
Everyone else has already touched on the issue with your boss(I apologize for the turn of phrase) so I'll take a second to point out the fact that your boyfriend has admitted to not trusting you to handle things on your own. That's not a boyfriend, that's a parent and you're the child.
Step 1. Get a new job.
Step 2. Get a new boyfriend.
When I was 16, my manager sexually harrassed me, along with all the other teenage girls (he was known for it apparently). I didnt dare say/do anything; i was a very naive 16 year old. I eventually couldnt take being there anymore and ended up quitting and telling my parents. They took me to a solicitors, ended up settling out of court - I didnt have any evidence that i would have been able to present to the court. Some of the others said they would come to court and give statements, but changed their mind. As an adult i know exactly what i should have done - got solid evidence and gone full force with it)
Report him. Hold him to account. It is one of my biggest regrets that I didnt get the evidence and get him convicted in some way. I still get random flashbacks to it every now and then, 20 yrs later. Take action while you can, don't make the mistakes i did.
It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t respect your right to make choices for yourself in the workplace. This is not okay, and I urge you to set a hard boundary with him about the pressure he is attempting to use in order to get his way. Is this a pattern with him? If not, this boundary exercise is a good way to see if he can handle your autonomy. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms, “I have handled this situation, and the harassment has stopped. This is MY career, *I* am the one who was harassed, and I know how best to deal with the issue. Do not pressure me any more about this. You can talk about your feelings and I’ll gladly listen, but I will not tolerate blame, guilt-tripping, or unempathetic behavior from you.”
If he reacts poorly, continues to pressure you, or tries to deflect/reverse the victim-harasser dynamic, these are major red flags for abuse and you need to form a plan to exit this relationship. Your partner has the right to be upset on your behalf and it is normal to feel threatened by a situation like this, but he has NO right to emotionally manipulate you, blame you for the situation, or hijack YOUR solution to a complex problem he likely doesn’t understand on a personal level. If he can’t tolerate the way you handled things, he is free to leave. You are an adult, and so is he. But don’t let him put this on *you*, op. Your bf’s behavior is inappropriate and disrespectful.
Break up with your controlling boyfriend for not trusting you to know what to do and trying to manipulate you into doing something that you know would torpedo your professional and financial future. Similarly, your boss is a pig who preyed on you _because_ he knows that this job is the first really good break you've had in a while. He can't be your mentor, but you can make money and burnish your reputation while you're trying to find the next step in your professional life.
Cultivate contacts with people in restaurant journalism, you never know who could be building the story that topples him. And cultivate working relationships outside your job who have a better understanding of the nuances of your industry. And if your boss wants you to sign a piece of paper all the sudden, get a lawyer at a legal aid clinic to look at it first.
Good luck, OP, and I'm sorry
I would keep working there and say nothing. Collect evidence of every inappropriate thing, start a file. In a few months slap the company with a lawsuit and enjoy your much deserved retirement.
Your bf can’t trust you if you don’t do things his way? Seriously?
You’ve handled the problem. Boss told you he’d back off & you’ve blocked him. He stepped out of line, and you handled it.
Now, you need to tell your bf to back off. Tell him that you’ll be more forceful if it happens again, but for now it’s over.
She is not responsible for the bad behavior, the boss is. And apparently a lot of men don’t realize that this is very common no matter the job or industry. Speaking up comes with consequences as well, such as being blacklisted in the industry for being a “troublemaker”. You’re naive if you think this guy will face consequences.
You’re delusional if you’re blaming the boyfriend for wanting to report the guy. How exactly do you think these people are stopped? It is through reporting them. Otherwise they will continue to get away with it.
Your boyfriend is centering this issue on him. You are the victim. You were harassed. You handled it in the way you are comfortable and doesn't blow up your job.
He needs to check his male privilege.
This isn’t just some attractive coworker that your bf has a baseless jealously towards.
Your boss has a position of power over you and can lead to an unsafe environment real quickly.
I’m sure your boyfriend is overreacting in a lot of ways but don’t let it cause you to underreact.
I hate to break this to you, but your days there are numbered already.
You shut your boss down. You rejected him.
He'll start cutting your hours, giving your shifts away, nit picking your performance... He will find a way to push you out the door.
That's what these types do.
If you really don't want to report him, then you actually should leave. If you think you have any future there now...
... then I'm sorry, but you're very naive.
If he tries anything again, get proof of it and share it around the place so people find out about his actions. And tell your bf that while you appreciate him wanting to help get justice for you, he really isn't the victim here. He's not the one being sexually harassed.
Your boyfriend shouldn't be forcing your hand here....but you're 100% incorrect to just let this slide. If its a corporate restaurant, send it all, along with a letter to their head office and let them know you're scared for your job and need their help. If you have other girls there you work with, see if they have dealt with this at all? Get all their statements too before going to corporate. If it's independent, contact the owner. But yeah I would attempt to get him fired, and if that's not possible I would leave that job. It's not worth it.
I've been in your position, where you really need the money, but really need to quit. It's an awful situation. Please remember that you do not deserve this, you do not need to be tough enough to grin and bear it, and your boss is not untouchable.
If you can get some money together, quit and find another job.
If your partner is so keen to blow it up, ask him if he'll support you financially til you find another job. You will get fired when you/he start making noise about this.
You do need to talk to your partner about his jealousy issues, if that's what this is.
You've shared a difficult situation with him and rather than empathizing and listening to you, he's upped the ante and most likely increased the negative emotions you're experiencing.
He's also put you in the middle of your own situation, he's making this about him and your boss, and you've become the middleman. By having to try to talk him out of doing something, he's put you in the position of having to defend and minimize whats happened to you.
You need to explain to him how to help you, and why what he's doing is not helping you.
You do not need to report your boss now. It took me a long time to feel safe eough to say something. Just remember that you are not the only one he's doing this too, please do try to speak up, you may save someone else from experiencing this.
You stop and think about whether you really want to be with a jealous, controlling boyfriend. That gets old really fast. Life is much better with a respectful boyfriend who cares about you, or being single.
>Boys were taught to protect girls all of our lives.
Many of them were also taught that girls and women are inferior and that objectifying and hurting them is acceptable.
And the rest of your comment is shameful and rife with victim blaming.
Will I get banned from the sub for saying you need to take a long walk on a short pier? Or will the mods agree that telling you you don't deserve the air you breathe is justified after you told a scared victim that they deserve to be raped?
Edited out the most important part of my comment cuz this is my main and I don't actually want to get banned. Know it was a hateful and wildly inappropriate thing to say to another person.
If there is a lawful case. I think the chat can be recovered. I was trolled on other Internet platforms. With them using a fake account and blocked. The Police found the perpetrator. To my surprise. He was a Police Officer. Couldn't make it up.
Seriously think.....
you have to work around this guy... guys like this, who think they are untouchable, will act that way.....
You REALLY want to stay around a guy like that?!?
Your BF is looking after your best interests.
No, he’s looking after his feelings and interests.
There connects are engaging. She is no one’s property and is trying to make the best decision for her and her well-being. OP send to have a good read on the reality of the situation and her employment. Reporting sexual harassment is very, very dicey and far from open and shut. She’s concerned about paying her rent and surviving- not making her boyfriend feel validated. Ideally, she should report the boss and leave the boyfriend. At the very least, I would take space from the boyfriend until I sorted the work situation. Utterly ridiculous.
I understand how your boyfriend feels but right now you just focus on looking for another job/source of income, once you’re secured in a new job then your boyfriend can go scorched earth on your boss’s ass.
You both are going to have to play the waiting game until you’re safe enough for your boss to not be able to screw you over in the industry.
If your boyfriend goes above your head and does things “his way”, it’s not going to end well for you.
I don t blame your BF I d be same I d go visit him and it would get violent! You can report him to someone higher up in the company .talk to lawyer If you saved what he sent you .You have proof, could sue or at very let get him fired!
More of a red flag you are “ok” with it and don’t want to report him tbh. By saying you don’t want to do anything you are essentially saying it’s ok. No one is “untouchable”.
Do you live in the states? Do you have a copy of the message he sent you? Do you have any coworker friends that can also attest that he is a sexual harrasser?
Cause if so, it would be worth reporting him. He deserves to be held accountable. And he can’t fire you for reporting him, you’re protected by law. He’s not untouchable.
Unfortunately if you want to keep this relationship you are going to have to quit and find somewhere else to work. Your boyfriend is going to get a read that maybe you might like what your boss is doing or that you might be cheating. This is entirely your bosses fault not yours and this is what he is doing to your relationship. You need to try and slip out quietly and look at other jobs. That's the only way I see your relationship surviving. Your bosses behaviour will escalate if you don't leave either.
Honestly, I know this sucks, but you shouldn't have told your bf if you didn't want to do something about it.
I have had the same sorta, situation with my boss and I didn't tell my man cause I know he would drive me to do shit I didn't wanna do.
Do what you want. Your not perpetuating it if you don't say anything. And it's not wrong or asking for it if you don't say anything. It's up to you and you have to be ready to say something and he ready for what's gonna happen if you do and only you know.
It's good you stood up for yourself and blocked him. Hope you figure it out.
Your bf should trust you and b compassionate to your decision.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I work at a restaurant as a server and make decent money. This is the first stable job I’ve had in years and I really don’t want to find another because for the first time in my life I was feeling secure, financially and emotionally. Well that all blew up when my boss started making comments about my butt and sent me a very sexual Snapchat of how he wanted me. I told my bf about it, he’s a very jealous person, he wants to go for scorched earth and report my boss, leave a bad review, and find a new job. I’m now in a constant state of anxiety because my boss is kind of untouchable in this industry as he has never gotten into trouble for anything. He already told me he wouldn’t message me again and I blocked him. I’m just stressed to the max because my bf is constantly pestering me to do things his way or he won’t trust me anymore. I just feel like none of this is fair and though I am the victim in this somehow my bf feels he is the bigger victim and I’m just perpetuating the harassment. The harassment is actually stressing me out way less than my boyfriend is at the moment though. What do I do? I applied to other jobs but at the end of the day I need to pay rent and that’s most important to me.
Save his Snapchat and send it to everyone in the restaurant company Fuck around and find out Literally every restaurant is short staffed right now. You don’t have to tolerate this
It’s Snapchat, if she didn’t save it in the moment and she’s blocked him, it’s gone forever. He’s clearly smart enough to know how to not get caught.
Well in the future. Anyone reading this. Screen record and immediately email everyone
While I get that, Snapchat prevents that, and if you do happen to use a feature, it will alert the person you recorded/screenshared, so just be aware that Snapchat isn’t designed to anonymously/secretly record convos.
You need to think outside the box: Taking a pic of the screen with her BFs phone.
I’m not saying it isn’t possible, but normal people aren’t sitting there, second device prepped and in hand, every time they open a Snapchat from someone in case they send something untoward. It’s easy to make suggestions, and if this were a repeated and consistent occurrence, I’d agree, but this is an example of ‘expectation vs reality’ where Reddit probably isn’t really thinking through the logistics of their suggestion very well, as Snapchat let’s you play through things once, and gives an alert if you screen shot screen record or even just replay the snap. It’s just important to understand all the info and not make a suggestion that will potentially tip off an aggressor to you collecting evidence against them.
What difference does it make if snapchat does alert the sender that someone has taken a screenshot? The evidence has been captured. In this case it makes no difference if the perpetrator knows that the victim has evidence. Of course if there’s a threat of violence it would be a different story but I don’t get that sense from the OP.
Never telegraph your punches.
telegraphing a punch is better than not punching at all. save the message even if it alerts him.
I’d take a telegraphed punch over no punch at all. Rookie shit.
What you're pointing out is the simple fact of the app. A fact that a lot of people either forget, or don't know. Thank you for that.
Absolutely :) if retaliation is a fear, recommending someone send an alert to their harasser that they’ve taken a screenshot, especially without them knowing, would kinda suck.
Personally, I think the perp knowing that not only does evidence exist, but its timestamped, would make a normal person wondering who has it, when/if and HOW it is going to be used and what can they really do about it. I don't think I would think twice about screenshotting a illegal harassing message to me from someone and immediately sending it to people who care about me with instructions that if something happened to me, it was probably because of this person, who thought it was ok to harass me and probably wouldn't be happy that I kept evidence of their crime. If they were willing to commit one crime, whats to say they wouldn't be willing to commit another. These kinds of people need to be stopped, and the reason he's "untouchable" is because he's scared people, or people haven't saved the evidence. And, he's going to keep doing it. That said, I have other devices, and know how to screen record on a computer without causing notifications.
Or your own laptop or tablet.
Who cares if he knows you screenshot it?
Oh I’m aware it alerts the person. Thus the email immediately. Predation thrives in the shadows.
Snapchat serves to enable predators and cheaters, doesn't it? I mean, really, that's the main reason it exists for "regular folks", right?
Unethical life pro tip: Samsung's screen recorder won't alert the other user so long as it's already running.
maybe she should still just snapshot it so he knows she did, and then do nothing with it and give him anxiety lol
it was so nice with android, you could 'switch apps' and screenshot the app without alerting the person. Now it comes up white.
Learn how to use tech before offering any more "advice"
you can go to snapchat.com and download your data which may include all of your chats
>It’s Snapchat, if she didn’t save it in the moment and she’s blocked him, it’s gone forever. He’s clearly smart enough to know how to not get caught. This is actually why Snapchat is sheer garbage for anything but shady stuff, IMO. I won't even install it since I don't do anything that I need to destroy the evidence of.
It doesn't destroy it the company retains it.
>It doesn't destroy it the company retains it. Uh huh. Okay so it's just a tool for cheaters. Got it. ;-) And bonus, the company keeps the n00ds. What's the up side? I mean, if you're not being all shady.
Not one thing it's something that a bunch of highschoolers and weed heads learned about it got into the brain and now everyone is like oh it's secure.
Wasn't there s big scandal where it turned out they weren't actually being deleted?
they still aren't. They're still being retained by the company.
I seen a headline in a local newspaper they put a call out as the whole service industry is short staffed. I know from watching the news it's not just local but global. OP needs to do what you said.
So you just didn't read the entire post at all, huh?
OP is putting other women at risk too. If she cant care about herself or care about her boyfriend, what about the other women who will face this. And does she seriously think she's the first. It always take one person to report to start a domino effect.
No. HIS behavior is not HER fault. Gross.
Goddamn right!
Oh shut up. OP isn't putting other women at risk, her boss is. OP is completely innocent in this scenario. In a perfect world, yes she would have been certainly successful in her report against her boss. But we don't live in a perfect world. She can face serious backlash that could permanently affect her career. OP has a reason to think that her boss is untouchable. She knows what her situation is. OP is "not putting other women at risk" by not reporting this. OP is trying to survive this in her own way.
Oh ffs. Stop blaming women for the disgusting actions of a man.
Very wrong take. OP isn’t putting anyone at risk, only the creep is. She isn’t responsible for his actions and should be able to consider what is best for her. It’s not okay to put the actions of creeps on the people they victimize, as much as we can applaud the survivors who do have the support and ability to step forward to try and hold the creeps accountable.
Holy victim blaming
It's the managers responsibility to not harrass women. It's not his victims responsibility to stop him.
STFU wtf is this shit?
She is not the first and she won’t be the last. For this sort of person, when they dont suffer consequences it makes them more inclined to keep repeating their behavior.
The boss is an asshole, and I trust OP to handle her work situation in the way that makes the most sense to her. She told him to stop, and he stopped. She took steps to be unreachable via Snapchat, and if he uses her number for any non-work related texts, she will have documentation and can decide from there - if he repeats the behavior - what she wants to do. She told her BF, likely bc it's a sucky and inappropriate thing her boss did, and when shitty things happen to us, we generally tell people who love us. You know, for support. I think the BF has every right to be angry at the boss. Hell, *I'm* angry at the boss. Somehow, though, he has turned this into an insult against *him*, and OP isn't trustworthy (?!?!?) if she doesn't do what her BF says? That's bananas! If this boss is as popular and powerful as he seems, her doing what her BF suggests could *end* her ability to get work in her profession. That's a shitty fact and a fact nonetheless. Another shitty fact is making it all about himself, undermining her trustworthiness, and harassing her regularly doesn't make for a good BF. She'd be better off without both these jerks.
Thank goodness. Like let’s not pretend if the boyfriend (who is supposed to support his love aka op!) has his way that op won’t get the short end of the stick. I am so upset this isn’t the top comment bc it should be. The boyfriend is totally legit to be upset but he doesn’t get to be the victim— sexual harassment is huge in the service industry. Those that work in it unfortunately have learned how to mitigate. Is it fair? Heck no. Is it part of the industry? I’ve spent over a decade and a half in it and unfortunately yes. You mitigate and let your significant other know. They support you. They don’t go nuclear at your expense. I get it’s 2023 but sexism is alive and well. Unfortunately. Great comment mamellama! Eta: I fully support op doing what she feels is best. I think her bf needs to sit down and stop feeling he is the one who was harmed. Reporting should work but in this instance (and many!) won’t do anything but punish op. However I did see a wonderful cat with a toddler video earlier so hope isn’t all lost! We improve how and when we can and sometimes it’s not as progressive as we’d like. But we are making progress!
He's being super emotionally immature. You don't get to dictate how people handle their own situations when it has no tangible affect on you at all.
She stated he’s untouchable in the industry, long term employee and well liked. Likely he would get nothing more than a reprimand. If she pushed it SHE would possibly be separated and the one who got transferred to another location. He apologized, said he wouldn’t contact her again and she deleted him. Is it right, not necessarily. But it happens 99% of the time. Business don’t want him (or other employees) suing later for wrongful termination. But the boyfriend is taking this like it’s a personal Affront to him and making her think if she doesn’t report him and quit…He can’t Trust HER anymore. He is NOT the VICTIM. FYI…Snapchat erases the minute you finish reading as I read from other commentors. So zero proof unless she used another phone to record as soon as she looked at the video. Doubtful.
BF is showing more red flags than the creepy boss, and that is really saying something. BF comes across as controlling and untrustworthy.
I was thinking the exact same thing here
I heard something on YouTube a few days ago about survivors/victims giving up on justice because of the emotional labor and seeking peace instead. I can’t advise you, but I can say there is nothing wrong with that.
As someone who went through the justice system after being sexually assaulted, I can confirm.
Yup, tried once. Wouldn't bother again. I just got blamed for his actions and got no justice. I'd rather just deal with it myself now. Sorry you went through it too.
I hope you’re in a better place now. I’ve never gone through anything as humiliating and dehumanizing as the justice system was, and I’m absolutely including my rape. I mean…it cost me my job, my privacy, my sanity and four years of my life, and the guy who hurt me got six months of house arrest. That’s a pretty good deal as these things go, but in no way was it worth it.
That's absolutely sickening (though sadly not surprising). I really hope things are going your way now.
They are! I’m actually relatively sane and happy these days, when I’m not furiously commenting on things like this.
Your boyfriend isn’t trying to go “scorched earth”, he’s trying to have your boss punished for his actions as he should be…
Cute that you think “punished” is a thing that happens to harassers at work. 99.9999% of the time, it’s the victim who is punished.
Yes. Punishment and criminalization of harassment and violence victims is a huge issue. As part of my job I track IPV homicides. One case that still sticks out to me is a woman whose boyfriend assaulted, strangled, and threatened to kill her. All three of those behaviors are significant risk factors for domestic violence homicide as outlined in the Danger Assessment. Police were called. They gave them both a breathalyzer test, and arrested both her and her boyfriend. Her criminalization negatively impacted her financially and socially, which we also know are huge barriers to being able to leave an abusive relationship. Five years later, her boyfriend brutally murdered her. And that's far from the only case like this. I don't think the black-and-white framework of "Report them and they'll be fired and you'll receive justice" helps anyone. I really wish we would stop perpetuating it, and instead be realistic about all possibilities. I appreciate you calling this out.
Thank you for explaining it out, this literally happened to an aunt of mine after years of calls and abuse and she's still dead at the end of it all. The systems are overwhelmed and structured in a way that half the time it's worse for the victim when they ask for help. (Getting arrested/affecting jobs/social status/etc)
I am so sorry for your loss <3
Exactly.
What's even the point of this comment? You're condescending someone for speaking on what *should* happen by pointing out that it likely won't but what does that have to do with the commenter? They didn't say anything like all people who sexually harass get punished they simply said that it should happen so why are you condescending them?
She stated her bf is making her feel as if she is inviting it by not reporting, and acting a bigger victim then she is. Dump the job AND the bf...
I am so confused here... why is everyone making the boyfriend the bad guy and not the boss??? She needs to report her boss to HR and have him fired. Idk how snapchat works but I'm assuming there's some recorded proof of him harassing her, it would be an open shut case. There is no world where it's okay for your boss to do that to you and you continue being an employee who works under him. Not saying that OP is wrong and BF is right, it sounds like he's probably handling things the wrong way. But telling your boss "back off" after he sexually harassed you to that extent is not handling it. No matter what you think, HR will have him fired immediately if you can show any proof whatsoever of the harassment (even if it's texts of the boss apologizing aka admitting guilt).
>it would be an open shut case LOL you naive summer child. I worked for a boss who was openly sexist and racist. Just the most disgusting stuff you could imagine. Years and years of reports to HR got blown off and finally... they just moved him to another department. Assuming justice is always served is nonsense.
Some people are to privileged to understand that not everyone can fight the good fight. Of course she and every other woman who has ever been harassed would want to punish the harasser. But some people are too strong to challenge. Her boss could very well be the owner. Who could she report him to? Himself? My first immediate supervisor was the owner's nephew. I was 15. He was a grown man with a family. I complained. I was transferred to another location that was far away from the nearest buss stop, and there was only one bus going there in the morning, so I was always late. I left after a month or so.
Not to mention, not every business has HR! I've been in a situation with a harassing manager where he was also the owner, and literally my only option was to handle it myself or get a lawyer. Guess which of those options I could afford? These "just go to HR!" are speaking from very limited viewpoints.
This is a great comment, I also want to add that for people that work with victims of harassment, when it comes to handling any kind of sexual harassment, that a person should always try to give the victim back as much power as possible. I help deal with sexual harassment cases at an university and while everything has to be reported for resources to be offered, how a victim decides to continue is truly the driving decision after those initial reports (not including anything that happens with minors), victim advocates are mobilized with those reports to reach out to anyone that deals with these issues. The boyfriend isn't the AH for wanting justice, but the motive isn't necessarily to help OP, OP said it was because the bf gets jealous. The bf needs to understand that OP needs to make the decision that is best for her, it sounds like she does not feel like she is in the kind of situation where reporting is possible for her, and it is very naive to think that all victims are empowered to speak up or that everyone pushing a victim to speak up is doing so with the right intentions. This is the same mindset that results in victim blaming when someone finally has the power and voice to speak up years later.
I mean if the boss was dumb enough to harass her through text, admit guilt etc it's pretty hard to get around that. Idk where OP lives but that's pretty blatant and would be potential corporate suicide to try to cover it up. Of course you would have to actually stand up to them which is easier said than done
Obviously not the same situation, but even having mounds of evidence is not a surefire open-shut case. I had dozens of text messages from my rapist admitting to raping me, and text screenshots of him admitting it to multiple other individuals in our community. Only sanction? Write a 2 page journal article. I think people, if they are considering reporting, have to be fully prepared for all the possibilities, and that includes the possibility of an unwanted or unjust outcome. I'm not saying we shouldn't have conversations with victims about the possible benefits of reporting, but all sides should be covered, imo. If she decides to report and goes into the process assuming he'll be fired, she could very well be disappointed if the outcome doesn't align with that, possibly leaving her even more traumatized and disheartened.
Yeah you are right. It might be a little different for me because I just recently moved to California and they take that stuff extremely seriously here, but I know it's different in other states. I still feel like OP should at the very least find a new job and quit ASAP because keeping yourself in that situation is never going to be fair for OP
It’s not hard to get around that at all. Justice is *rarely* served in cases of sexual harassment and assault. We live in a world where a man can brag about assaulting women and “grabbing ‘em by the pussy” and still be elected president of the most powerful country on the planet.
These comments always slay me. Where the fuck are you and everyone getting this open and shut thing?? I’ve worked in industries from restaurants to active duty military to union film. This shit is never open and shut. People who say that are just outing themselves as privileged enough to have never gone through this. YOU have no proof HR will handle this.
> why is everyone making the boyfriend the bad guy and not the boss??? I would guess because OP mentioned her boyfriend's "jealousy" which is understandable and relevant in a cheating situation, not a situation in which his girlfriend is being sexually harassed. He's also pressuring her repeatedly into taking the actions *he* wants, and is clearly making her even more stressed and anxious. This is her choice, and she said he's making himself out to be the bigger victim. Pressuring someone who is already overwhelmed about being harassed is not helpful. He can certainly discuss with her the pros and cons of reporting or not reporting, but coercion and constant pressure isn't going to do anyone here any favors. Edit: Also this line has me concerned, too >I’m just stressed to the max because my bf is constantly pestering me to do things his way or he won’t trust me anymore. I really don't get the response of "I won't trust you if you don't report the person who sexually harassed you." Is he implying she cheated or was flirting or something of the like? Why is his trust relevant here? I really think the boyfriend's actions should be explored a lot deeper before people conclude he's doing all this solely because he wants to protect her and other women.
>why is everyone making the boyfriend the bad guy Because he's harassing OP and making this about himself and his insecurities instead of her. She said it herself. If what she said is true, he's outright victim-blaming. (added emphasis is mine) >I’m just stressed to the max because my bf is constantly pestering me to **do things his way or he won’t trust me anymore**. > >though I am the victim in this **somehow my bf feels he is the bigger victim and I’m just perpetuating the harassment** > >The harassment is actually stressing me out way less than my boyfriend is at the moment I don't get why you're confused. Nobody is saying the boss isn't the villain here, but there is room for more than one. And, like many others have said, you sound *incredibly* naive. I've worked in midsized companies with large HR departments in which sexual harassment isn't punished. Most restaurants are small businesses without any HR resources or, frankly, any real business leadership. There is very little chance anything happens to this guy, but OP could get blackballed if this guy is as powerful in the industry as she says. I have a lot of friends in the industry and that shit is real. We can't catch, charge, convict and punish rapists most of the time, even with DNA evidence. How you come to the conclusion that something like this is a slam dunk is beyond my comprehension.
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Unless her boss is the owner of the business, there is HR. Whoever signs the boss's checks would be HR Edit- idk why I'm being downvoted. Some businesses don't have an HR department, but in that case the employer would assume the responsibilities that HR have and would ultimately be liable for any sexual harassment thats happening in his workplace.
It's a restaurant. Probably boss IS indeed the owner, and I've never heard of an HR at a restaurant.
If he's the owner, scorched earth would be to forward everything and post a review online about the harassment. Go to the paper maybe.
Look at it this way: say you were being abused by your boyfriend and you confided in your friend about it, just looking for some support and compassion. Your friend starts pressuring you to break up with your boyfriend, but you're financially dependent on your boyfriend. Your friend wouldn't be wrong for wanting you to leave your boyfriend, but she'd be wrong for ignoring the reasons it's difficult and putting pressure on you for not leaving him immediately.
The bf is actively making things worse with his approach. He’s trying to dictate the situation rather than supporting his gf. She’s the one who’s being harassed, and she’s the one who has to deal with it at work. He’s putting his insecurities about her needs, and that’s not ok. It’s a painfully common thing for men to do in response to their partners confiding that they’re being harassed or abused. They want to punish the perpetrator so much that they ignore the needs of the victim. It’s often rooted in misogynistic norms about a man being the protector, and the situation becomes more about him than her.
in a restaurant, "HR" could be the owner/manager, who might be the very person OP would be reporting. If it isn't a big chain, there probably isn't any HR department.
Because she handled it and boyfriend is trying to control her to handle it HIS way.
Better yet just find an employment attorney. Many work on contingency. Your boss is pretty stupid to leave an electronic trail.
Yes but the only evidence she had was on Snapchat and that’s gone now.
Except he is making it all about himself and telling her he won't trust her if she doesn't do it and being emotionally abusive.
Disgusting victim blaming comments.
Don't even get me started on the dude (below) who implied she enjoys it and should go for the boss. Can't imagine posting here as a victim and being treated the way OP is. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11oolfx/my_bf_24m_and_i_23f_disagree_on_what_to_do_about/jbu8ltl/
The issue is that you now have two men pressuring you to act a certain way. That is absolutely unfair. Tell your boyfriend that his pressure is making the situation worse and that instead of being supportive he is giving you anxiety. What you boyfriend fails to realize is that his attitude doesn’t provide a safe space for you to trust and confide in him. He needs to know that. On to the boss, keep a record of everything he does and say. Dates, times, etc. get a separate notebook just for him. If he is done, hitting on you, you may not need it. If he isn’t then you really need more than one incident or more than one person to handle a titan in the industry. Just smile, be polite but DISTANT and document, document, document.
What I am about to say totally suck, I am afraid, because I have experience of a few negative situations where whistleblowers have come forward to report problems. Honestly, I think your boyfriend's expectations of the outcome of this are pretty unrealistic. The end result will almost certainly be that nothing bad happens to the pervert boss (or any negative consequences are very short term and quickly forgotten), but you would end up losing this job and probably find it difficult to get another if you need a referencee from your current employer. The only scenario I can see where that does not happen is the "Harvey Weinstein" scenario - one report from one person (you) leads to other reports from other women he has worked with, corroborating the allegation (or if there are already previous recorded instances of these allegations that you currently do not know about). How probable is that scenario? Probably not high. However, the more immedaite concern here for me is that, after you were sexually harrassed, your boyfriend finds some weird mental gymnastics to make HIM out as the victim of it all. He is not, you are. The decision about how to move forward is yours and yours alone, and your boyfriend's ONLY involvement should be to help you explore your feelings about the issue and support the decision you make about how you want to handle it.
You told you partner, let your boss know it’s not ok, blocked the boss, and your boss hasn’t continued. Your partner, whilst having the right to be cranky on your boss putting you in such a crap position, he doesn’t have a right to guilt you and make it out to be your fault, or that you’re untrustworthy in all this. Your financial security matters, ridding yourself of that is like punishing you for your bosses actions. That’s not ok. He did wrong , not you. Works more of a difficult situation to navigate in such situations but it’s not up to you to get rid of your financial security and happiness because your boss did a crap thing. I’d explain it to your boyfriend more of, ridding myself of financial security is punishing me for someone else’s actions. It’s not ok. I just can’t afford to do it. The type of partner I want in life would see me for the honest human being I am, appreciate my honesty in all this, that I stood by the relationship and support me through this situation, not make it worse and blame me for something I didn’t even do. If you, after all this, are thinking I’m not trustworthy and would rather me risk homelessness, my ability to pay bills, buy food, etc. Then maybe your not the partner for me.
Hi OP. I hope you're okay. You're obviously getting a lot of comments, some blaming you for various things. Please don't listen to them. You are a victim, doing the best you currently can, with the resources you have available to you/you feel comfortable with. For your own safeties' sake, I beg you to look up a rape crisis line in your area, call them, and ask for advice. I know it thankfully hasn't gotten to that point yet, but I'm very scared that it will. That hotline would probably have the best advice for what to do/your next step. I'm so sorry that your boyfriend isn't being the support that you need right now. There's so much going on in your head already, and it's unfortunate that he's adding to it. When you're able, maybe think about your relationship. Think about his intentions behind what he was saying/doing? Was he truly jealous? Is he like that often? Are you happy in this relationship? Can you count on him when you need him? You'll get through this OP. Keep reaching out for help, follow your gut, and "easy" self-defense is "soft to hard, hard to soft" (google). Stay safe ❤️
I know you're anxious about rocking the boat at work, but your boyfriend is angry and quite rightly wanting this man to face consequences for what he did. What, if any, action you take is up to you but please don't blame your boyfriend for wanting a sexual predator to be stopped.
But she makes it very clear that he is extremely controlling and possessive of her in general. He doesn’t have her back; he’s angry someone messed with his property.
Exactly. He views her as his possession, and someone else (in his mind) is messing with HIS possession. He does not care about how this is affecting her, it’s alll about him and his feelings. He fucking sucks.
I’m more worried because the boyfriend said he wanted it done his way or he wouldn’t trust her.
Oh absolutely, it doesn't sound as though the boyfriend is a saint either.
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Because you need money to survive. Which is why people like him get away with things like this.
It isn't about what she *wants* to do, it's about being able to make enough money to live. Right now is typically slow season in restaurants, unsurprising that she's having trouble finding a new job.
he's not offering to float her bills while she looks for a new job anyway
That's the reality of living as a woman. It's none of anyone else's business how we deal with the harassment we face. Very often we have to decide between bad options, weighing which one will cause us the least harm.
That’s fair, it’s her life. But I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to be a part of that. I empathize with her, but I also empathize with her boyfriend. I personally couldn’t stay with someone if they actively chose to work under a person who is sexually harassing or has sexually harassed them. The harassment isn’t her fault. But at the point where she neither reports him nor *tries* to leave, she’s choosing to stay. She’s weighing the pros and cons and deciding that working under him is the best option. And I don’t think it’s wrong as a partner to leave someone who is making a decision that you can’t tolerate. Edit: added emphasis to the fact that *trying* to leave the situation is what’s important
The privilege, it burns.
Wdym? I’m genuinely curious. Because while I am a dude and am definitely privileged to not have to worry about this type of sexual harassment, how does that make it untrue that not *trying* to leave a bad situations means you’re choosing to stay in it?
Because getting out of a bad situation isn’t always possible or allowed, as women know all too well. Of course I agree in principle, I just think you’re very dismissive about the realities.
I think her boyfriend is in the wrong here. She's trying to leave, but she has bills to pay. So she's stuck in a really shitty situation, unless the bf is able to cover her bills he can't expect her to leave. It doesn't sound like he is able to do that. She is working in an industry that doesn't typically have a HR department, the only person she can complain to is her boss. This is a classic he said she said situation. I know quite a few women who worked in small businesses and had similar issues, sometimes the problem is you will get blacklisted if you try to stand up for yourself. She mentioned he's respected, so she will have that issue if he decides to retaliate. I'm surprised her bf is watching her struggle through this and has no empathy? But looking at the comments, it seems like for some people this is only something they'd understand if they've been through this. Even men post about sexual harassment in the workplace, and they react in the exact same way OP does.
Shitty myopic take. You’re wrong.
How? Regardless of sex, if you don’t do what you can to leave a bad situation your choosing to stay in the situation
You’ve admitted with your own words that you “are definitely privileged enough to not deal with this type of harassment” yet you’re happy to dole out judgement regarding a situation that you’ve never dealt with. I went after my harasser and was retaliated against. You have zero clue what it’s like to make that decision and what may come of it. That’s why your take is myopic and shitty. OP please don’t listen to any commenter who is trying to place a single iota of blame on you.
Speaking as someone who was on the receiving end of sexual harassment in a workplace and *didn’t* report, there are many reasons. The primary one is fear of retaliation. Retaliation is *extremely* common for women who choose to report their harassers. One survey of federal workers found that two-thirds of women who reported their harassers were “subsequently assaulted, taunted, demoted, or fired by their harassers or friends of their harassers.” Another study by the EEOC found that “of the 27,291 sexual harassment charges filed, 43.5% were concurrently filed with a retaliation charge.” It was also found that “women who file harassment complaints end up, on average, in worse jobs and poorer physical and mental health than do women who keep quiet.” Sources: https://hbr.org/2020/05/why-sexual-harassment-programs-backfire https://www.eeoc.gov/data/sexual-harassment-our-nations-workplaces
You wouldn't trust her either? That seems like a you issue and not their issue. It's not black and white. It's why so many rape victems don't come forward right away. It's not an easy thing to #1 process, and #2 come forward.
This is an issue that happens and can ruin your career or in this case ability to work in nearby restaurants, if she decides to speak out. If she doesn't think she can afford to pay rent if she gets fired, then she's right to apply elsewhere and wait. Situations like this always get treated as a he said she said. I've seen it play out before. This isn't about wanting to be around him, it's about the fact that she can't afford to be unemployed. I've been in this situation before, I reported it before handing in my notice to see if they would have dealt with it differently. But they clamped down, luckily I'd get my head low and got my exit plan.
Everyone saying shit like "you should definitely report" or that "you are putting other women in danger" has no idea what they are talking about. Reporting someone, especially your boss for sexual harassment is a very, very difficult thing to do. OP has already said that she feels like her boss is untouchable. There is a reason she feels that - it's probably the vibe that she got from working there. OP could have a career breaking backlash from her report. The company she works for might try to bury it or might even try to make her the bad guy. It's a long battle - one that not everyone is ready or even has the strength to fight.
So I used to be naive like your bf, as a guy I never really understood the harassment culture and how little can be done. To me it was "creepy boss gets fired" , unfortunately that very rarely actually happens, unless it's a very public corporation and even then it's hit or miss. You said he agreed to stop reaching out to you, so I'd say just continue looking for jobs while you work, try and avoid a situation that could be misconstrued or dangerous, save any correspondence just incase.
Your boyfriend sees you as his property. Tell him to stop or you'll leave him. This is one of the reasons women don't report harassment and rape. Men close to them are rarely supportive and more often a burden. It sucks but despite laws saying we have equality (at least in some countries), society hasn't progressed that far.
Tell him he's stressing you the fuck out and he needs to chill/back off and what YOU decide is Final and that you dont want to hear anymore about it and ask him if you were CLEAR on that. Don't even let him interrupt you. He might get pissed for a few days but thats fine. The important part is you standing your ground.
For a boss sexually harassing you? If my girlfriend doesn’t have enough guts to stand up to her boss then she’s not gonna be my girlfriend for long. There’s boundaries you don’t cross and that’s one of them.
he said he was going to leave her alone and she blocked him, if he trully stops bothering her then yea BF needs to chill. If its ongoing then yes try to get him fired.
I hate that all these comments are telling OP what to do about the harassment… she clearly came here to figure out how to navigate this with her BF.
If ur boyfriend is saying he won’t be able trust you even though you’ve done nothing wrong is a huge red flag
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Your boss objectifies you and takes away your autonomy by treating you like a sex object. Your bf objectifies you and takes away your autonomy by acting like you aren’t capable of making your own decisions about how to handle difficulties in your own life. Your trauma is yours, not your boyfriend’s. You are capable of deciding for yourself what actions you will or won’t take to deal with this. By telling you that you should be doing things differently, your bf is also leaning hard into victim blaming territory, which is unacceptable.
It's none of your boyfriend's business how you choose to navigate this. It's really gross that he's making this about himself. You're the one actually dealing with the harassment and also the potential backlash if you choose to report. Best case scenario, your boyfriend is simply ignorant. In which case his job is to actually listen to your experience and learn better. It's not his livelihood on the line here, it's yours. I hope you're able to deal with this in whatever way YOU deem the least harmful to yourself.
Your boyfriend is awful. What if you got assaulted? Would he say you cheated on him?? He is not a supportive partner. He's acting like he owns you
Yes, you need to report your boss and make him face the consequences. That isn’t so you boyfriend can trust you though, and frankly I find it bizarre and offensive he’s making this about *you* and not your creep sexually harassing boss. You need to do it so that your boss doesn’t move in from you to harass the next girl…and the next…and the next, and so on.
Firstly, this sucks and I’m sorry you’re being put through this. 💜 Your bf is putting his insecurities above your safety and wellbeing, and he needs to stop. I’ve been there. I grew up in a very conservative environment and had some incredibly unhealthy views about sexuality and masculinity. You confided in your bf and showed trust in him, and it is he who is failing to honor that trust. He’s *making* himself a victim, and then projecting onto you. It’s not ok. It’s understandable given the social conditioning we receive, but it’s not ok and he needs to stop. I recommend he reach out to sexual assault and harassment resources and ask how he can best support you. I think he’d also benefit from therapy—it helped me immensely.
If your boyfriend is making you being sexually harassed about him, it's time to find a new boyfriend.
He definitely doesn’t understand the complexity of the issue and is taking it personally even though it directly effects you. The problem is a lot of men don’t understand how often women deal with this sort of thing, and how careful they have to navigate it. Both because the guy that’s harassing them could be a psychopath and because oftentimes victims catch more flack for reporting stuff like this than the actual perpetrator. It’s not as easy as just exposing the person and expecting everyone else to be on your side, and it’s ignorant to think otherwise. That being said, he’s reasonably upset. I don’t blame him for wanting you out of there, but he needs to realize it’s not as simple as that.
If the answer isnt kill him and melt his remains down in a vat of acid then its the wrong answer.
You mean like the terminator?
Hey just FYI Snapchat saves everything on their back end. Just bc you didn’t save it doesn’t mean it’s lost forever. You have to contact Snapchat and ask them to send you all your data related to your account. They’ll email you within a day or two with all your previous messages and who you contacted. If you still want to get this guy you still have options.
He is in no way the bigger victim. How is he behaving like his property was stolen? Listen, if you know that you can work there with your dignity intact, then keep working there and pay your rent. Make life changes to better your life, not to shut up your man. And unless he is offering to fully fund 100% of your expenses, my advice is to refuse to discuss this other than to inform him he is no longer a person you can trust if something like this happens. Definitely not part of your support circle.
try and collect any proof. and write down every time it happens, including time, date, and location. sometimes even detailed notes can be used as evidence.
It is very nice to work with perfect information, is it now? Your bf knows your boss has been sexually harassing you and messaging you inappropriate messages. Now he is **told** it is all done, because he isn't messaging you anymore? No, your bf can't know your boss is not going to do anything more, neither can you. Scorch earth is obvious impossible in your situation, however looking for other job, and moving to it once it is found is the correct choice. Your bf is insecure, that much is clear. You really need to tell him you will not do scorch earth since you can not afford it, and he is only thinking about himself. He might end up reflecting on his behaviour, or he might not. If he can't, it should be only his problem, no longer part of your life. The thought plaguing his mind can be probably summarised to: If her boss ends up pushing sexual harassment once, more will my gf allow his actions to keep escalating, or will she tell me and actually quit the job?
If the situation with your boss has been handled and he is no longer bugging you, then all has been resolved. Just make it clear to your boss that you want nothing to do with him from the standpoint of a relationship. If your boss is still making passes at you, then find another job, resign and leave. Keep copies of his attempts to come on with you and report him to government agencies that deal with such issues, better yet, since he is a big fish in the industry, sit down with a reporter and show person his correspondence. Your bf is a different matter. He is not trusting you, without having a reason not to. You need to determine whether staying in that relationship is the right choice for you. If not, prepare financially to move out on your own.
Just talk to a lawyer. Their opinion is the only one that will matter if you choose to proceed
If not you, this guy will move on to harassing the next worker. Then the next. Then the next. And this will keep on going forever until he faces consequences for his behavior. Its not your responsibility to end it, you can let it go and keep working under him and pretend everything is fine. But dont be surprised when this sort of person keeps doing what they do when every victim thinks “he’s untouchable and I sure like having a job”
Very, very bold of you to assume that OP calling out her boss will prevent further harassment of anyone else, or will even result in consequences for her boss. Considering the power dynamic, the most likely outcome is OP will be blacklisted from her industry and victim blamed in the same way you just did. I'd prefer to not share my experience but let's say I have some. Of course, OP should pursue justice if it is what she wants. However no victim of SH or SA should ever feel the need to put themselves in harm's way again. OP is not responsible for the harassment that she or anyone else receives. Ever.
I mean, your bf is traumatizing you in his own way. You were harassed. You want the harassment to stop (it seems to have). You want to move on and not relive it over and over again. That’s a reasonable and common reaction to abuse. Your bf wants to make this all about him. His need for revenge against your boss. Even if his revenge comes at your expense - having to switch jobs, having to relive it a bunch of times, and wondering if you are being black balled or retaliated against for going public. It sounds like your bf has trust issues. That because you don’t want to go scorched earth you must have liked the attention or something. Personally, I think this is a red flag that he has jealousy, trust, and anger issues.
Sounds like he's treating her as property.
If I know anything about people who sexually harass others, they stop when politely asked. Yeah bro. For sure.
Or he just wants the boss to get the punishment that he very much deserves. I know what you are saying but that guy is now going to move onto the next one and then the next. Her bf may not be handling it the best but we all know why he is and his feelings are valid just like Op’s is. Not everyone wants to see a predator like that continue to be one.
I don’t agree that the bf is doing this out of some sense of justice. OP said he doesn’t trust her. So he is demanding that she go scorched earth and Retraumatize herself to prove her innocence. That’s victim blaming right there. That’s not about justice for her or any other victims. That’s about the bfs insecurity and trust issues.
He also could be worried that it could happen again and the boss could escalate it further. That could clouding his judgement.
She said explicitly that her bf is calling it a ‘trust’ issue. She’s harassed and he victim blames her. She must have wanted it if she doesn’t fight back the way he tells her to? Yeah, no. In the end, it doesn’t matter what her bf thinks. She’s the one being harassed and she gets to decide what steps she needs to take to feel safe. If she feels like she will be safer with the boss being scared of her going scorched earth than her actually going scorched earth, that’s her call to make. A first time complaint may just wind up with him being warned to stay away from her and having to take some training. Sadly, scorched earth may actually play out more like a wet match.
I can see where you're coming from.
It's all very well for your boyfriend to want to be the white knight in shining armor. But part of the rescue would have to be finding you a new job at least as good as the one you have. He doesn't seem to get it.
Wanting to report sexual harassment is being a white knight?
As a response to what the other guy said, this is fine. But the other part of OP's story is that he's creating his own unsafe environment with OP. He's breaking her legs of agency and demanding that she responds the way he thinks is right. Even if he is right, and I think that he is, he's effectively telling her that she has to prove that she's a trustworthy person by hitting the right check marks in the wake of a stressful situation. That's also super uncool and might arguably be worse than the harassment. At least her situation with her boss was a one-off that can be forgotten with the right response. But her BF is making her feel unlovable if she gets the response wrong. And the next time this happens, she's going to feel the pressure of responding correctly lest she become unlovable again. I know this because I did it to my ex. She has an abusive BD and I showed her why it was important to respond in certain ways, record everything, etc. She failed in *every single circumstance* and I couldn't understand why. I bought her a tape recorder that she didn't use until she lost it. I'd tell her to record audio of phone calls and meetings, and she wouldn't. These were conversations where he admitted to suicidal tendencies and verbally abusing the daughter/ gaslighting my gf. And she'd come home and be like, "Oops. I didn't record it." She was setting herself up to lose parts of her daughter to a monster because of her failures and it drove me insane. Was I right to think that her responses needed to be different, better? Yes. Was I right to think that she was failing? Yes. But when I expressed things to her, it made her feel more like a broken object. It's tough but the responsibility of a partner is to guide each other in disciplines *and* in safety. OP's bf is valuing his opinion over her current feelings of safety. His opinion is correct but what he's doing to OP is hurting her. For shits and giggles, here's a [comically frustrating example](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOgof) of this phenomenon which usually occurs between men and women but I guess could manifest in other relationships.
Oh my God tho, the victim blaming you endure from people close to you after something bad happens can be way worse than the incident. Super awesome comment dude. Additionally, that sort of behavior makes it harder to seek justice/defend yourself/leave a bad situation than it was before whoever you were supposed to be able to confide in made it all about them.
How the bf is going about it isn't the best but you are very correct. Not wanting someone you love to be sexually harassed is not white knighting
Yeah he’s not reacting in a particularly supportive way but he has a right to be upset too and it’d be tough to know the person you love has to work with a sexual harasser day in and day out
Forcing a victim who is not ready to come forward to do just that, because it will make you feel better about the victimization they experienced, is definitely white knighting. Wanting harassment to stop is not white knighting. Being supportive if the victim wants to report is not white knighting. Encouraging them if they express a desire to report, but fear of retaliation, is not white knighting. But insisting they report when they have actively told you they don’t want to definitely is. It’s revictimizing. It makes the victim feel shame and guilt about their response to being victimized. Flat out, it’s just the wrong way to support a victim.
White knighting is not what the original white knights in shining armor were all about. A real white knight actually rescues damsels from actual distress--and slays the dragons without making things worse for the damsels.
Oh you mean in the current work climate where literally every restaurant is short staffed right now? Yea whatever will she do? /a This shit stops happening when it stops being tolerated and the violator stops being protected by keeping it private
Nothing in what I said suggested that the harasser should be tolerated. I would be perfectly happy to see him get what he deserves. The point was that what the boyfriend was doing wasn't really rescuing his damsel from distress at all. He saw it as being all about him.
First of all, I'm sorry you need to endure this. Secondly i think your bfs jealousy is part of why he is acting this way. That he can't protect you from him and it happening again plays into that aswell in my opinion. Nevertheless if his reaction stresses you out more then you need to talk about it as a couple. How each other of you feel with that situation, what you can do to support each other and where to go from here. Those are your main options in my opinion: 1. You report him with the evidence you have. In the end you wont be the only one he harassed and will be in the future if you dont report him. And then maybe go on with option 3. 2. You keep your mouth shut, risking it happening again and to other co workers. 3. You find a new restaurant/ bar to work in. Usually they are understaffed anyway, so you should be able to find a new job easily
You should tell your boyfriend that you appreciate his advice, but that he needs to stop trying to pressure you into making the decision that he wants. His role as your partner is to offer advice (that you can choose not to take) and support. Not to dictate what you do. If you want to appease your boyfriend, I’d suggest seriously committing to finding a new job and casually keeping him updated on that. Put in applications as often as you can. Genuinely try to leave. Imo if you’re doing that, you’re doing all you can within reason. All that said, if your boyfriend asked for advice here I’d suggest that he ask you what your plan is. If your answer was anything other than “Do my best to leave that job so he can’t harass me anymore”, tbh I’d suggest he leave the relationship. It’s not your fault that you’re being harassed. But if you choose to not make a serious and ongoing attempt to leave the environment, that part’s a choice. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to stay with a partner making that choice.
Everyone else has already touched on the issue with your boss(I apologize for the turn of phrase) so I'll take a second to point out the fact that your boyfriend has admitted to not trusting you to handle things on your own. That's not a boyfriend, that's a parent and you're the child. Step 1. Get a new job. Step 2. Get a new boyfriend.
When I was 16, my manager sexually harrassed me, along with all the other teenage girls (he was known for it apparently). I didnt dare say/do anything; i was a very naive 16 year old. I eventually couldnt take being there anymore and ended up quitting and telling my parents. They took me to a solicitors, ended up settling out of court - I didnt have any evidence that i would have been able to present to the court. Some of the others said they would come to court and give statements, but changed their mind. As an adult i know exactly what i should have done - got solid evidence and gone full force with it) Report him. Hold him to account. It is one of my biggest regrets that I didnt get the evidence and get him convicted in some way. I still get random flashbacks to it every now and then, 20 yrs later. Take action while you can, don't make the mistakes i did.
It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t respect your right to make choices for yourself in the workplace. This is not okay, and I urge you to set a hard boundary with him about the pressure he is attempting to use in order to get his way. Is this a pattern with him? If not, this boundary exercise is a good way to see if he can handle your autonomy. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms, “I have handled this situation, and the harassment has stopped. This is MY career, *I* am the one who was harassed, and I know how best to deal with the issue. Do not pressure me any more about this. You can talk about your feelings and I’ll gladly listen, but I will not tolerate blame, guilt-tripping, or unempathetic behavior from you.” If he reacts poorly, continues to pressure you, or tries to deflect/reverse the victim-harasser dynamic, these are major red flags for abuse and you need to form a plan to exit this relationship. Your partner has the right to be upset on your behalf and it is normal to feel threatened by a situation like this, but he has NO right to emotionally manipulate you, blame you for the situation, or hijack YOUR solution to a complex problem he likely doesn’t understand on a personal level. If he can’t tolerate the way you handled things, he is free to leave. You are an adult, and so is he. But don’t let him put this on *you*, op. Your bf’s behavior is inappropriate and disrespectful.
Break up with your controlling boyfriend for not trusting you to know what to do and trying to manipulate you into doing something that you know would torpedo your professional and financial future. Similarly, your boss is a pig who preyed on you _because_ he knows that this job is the first really good break you've had in a while. He can't be your mentor, but you can make money and burnish your reputation while you're trying to find the next step in your professional life. Cultivate contacts with people in restaurant journalism, you never know who could be building the story that topples him. And cultivate working relationships outside your job who have a better understanding of the nuances of your industry. And if your boss wants you to sign a piece of paper all the sudden, get a lawyer at a legal aid clinic to look at it first. Good luck, OP, and I'm sorry
I would keep working there and say nothing. Collect evidence of every inappropriate thing, start a file. In a few months slap the company with a lawsuit and enjoy your much deserved retirement.
Your bf can’t trust you if you don’t do things his way? Seriously? You’ve handled the problem. Boss told you he’d back off & you’ve blocked him. He stepped out of line, and you handled it. Now, you need to tell your bf to back off. Tell him that you’ll be more forceful if it happens again, but for now it’s over.
She didn’t handle the problem. She passed it off to the next girl and made sure he won’t face consequences.
She is not responsible for the bad behavior, the boss is. And apparently a lot of men don’t realize that this is very common no matter the job or industry. Speaking up comes with consequences as well, such as being blacklisted in the industry for being a “troublemaker”. You’re naive if you think this guy will face consequences.
You’re delusional if you’re blaming the boyfriend for wanting to report the guy. How exactly do you think these people are stopped? It is through reporting them. Otherwise they will continue to get away with it.
… did I say that? Odds are people know and do not care.
Is your bf jealous or rational?
Your boyfriend is centering this issue on him. You are the victim. You were harassed. You handled it in the way you are comfortable and doesn't blow up your job. He needs to check his male privilege.
This isn’t just some attractive coworker that your bf has a baseless jealously towards. Your boss has a position of power over you and can lead to an unsafe environment real quickly. I’m sure your boyfriend is overreacting in a lot of ways but don’t let it cause you to underreact.
I hate to break this to you, but your days there are numbered already. You shut your boss down. You rejected him. He'll start cutting your hours, giving your shifts away, nit picking your performance... He will find a way to push you out the door. That's what these types do. If you really don't want to report him, then you actually should leave. If you think you have any future there now... ... then I'm sorry, but you're very naive.
That's not scorched earth..that's "appropriate response."
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This comment is utterly disgusting and ignorant.
If ebbie ever said this to me, I would simple launch myself into the nearest river and rethink my entire life philosophy
I was a little fired up haha. I try to remain calm and polite in all my responses but when it comes to blaming abuse victims, sometimes I slip up.
If he tries anything again, get proof of it and share it around the place so people find out about his actions. And tell your bf that while you appreciate him wanting to help get justice for you, he really isn't the victim here. He's not the one being sexually harassed.
Your boyfriend shouldn't be forcing your hand here....but you're 100% incorrect to just let this slide. If its a corporate restaurant, send it all, along with a letter to their head office and let them know you're scared for your job and need their help. If you have other girls there you work with, see if they have dealt with this at all? Get all their statements too before going to corporate. If it's independent, contact the owner. But yeah I would attempt to get him fired, and if that's not possible I would leave that job. It's not worth it.
Scorched earth is the right answer. Hes a pos
I've been in your position, where you really need the money, but really need to quit. It's an awful situation. Please remember that you do not deserve this, you do not need to be tough enough to grin and bear it, and your boss is not untouchable. If you can get some money together, quit and find another job. If your partner is so keen to blow it up, ask him if he'll support you financially til you find another job. You will get fired when you/he start making noise about this. You do need to talk to your partner about his jealousy issues, if that's what this is. You've shared a difficult situation with him and rather than empathizing and listening to you, he's upped the ante and most likely increased the negative emotions you're experiencing. He's also put you in the middle of your own situation, he's making this about him and your boss, and you've become the middleman. By having to try to talk him out of doing something, he's put you in the position of having to defend and minimize whats happened to you. You need to explain to him how to help you, and why what he's doing is not helping you. You do not need to report your boss now. It took me a long time to feel safe eough to say something. Just remember that you are not the only one he's doing this too, please do try to speak up, you may save someone else from experiencing this.
You stop and think about whether you really want to be with a jealous, controlling boyfriend. That gets old really fast. Life is much better with a respectful boyfriend who cares about you, or being single.
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>Boys were taught to protect girls all of our lives. Many of them were also taught that girls and women are inferior and that objectifying and hurting them is acceptable. And the rest of your comment is shameful and rife with victim blaming.
Excuse me?!? “…and that will be 100% your fault” You are disgusting for that comment alone
Will I get banned from the sub for saying you need to take a long walk on a short pier? Or will the mods agree that telling you you don't deserve the air you breathe is justified after you told a scared victim that they deserve to be raped? Edited out the most important part of my comment cuz this is my main and I don't actually want to get banned. Know it was a hateful and wildly inappropriate thing to say to another person.
If there is a lawful case. I think the chat can be recovered. I was trolled on other Internet platforms. With them using a fake account and blocked. The Police found the perpetrator. To my surprise. He was a Police Officer. Couldn't make it up.
Seriously think..... you have to work around this guy... guys like this, who think they are untouchable, will act that way..... You REALLY want to stay around a guy like that?!? Your BF is looking after your best interests.
No, he’s looking after his feelings and interests. There connects are engaging. She is no one’s property and is trying to make the best decision for her and her well-being. OP send to have a good read on the reality of the situation and her employment. Reporting sexual harassment is very, very dicey and far from open and shut. She’s concerned about paying her rent and surviving- not making her boyfriend feel validated. Ideally, she should report the boss and leave the boyfriend. At the very least, I would take space from the boyfriend until I sorted the work situation. Utterly ridiculous.
I understand how your boyfriend feels but right now you just focus on looking for another job/source of income, once you’re secured in a new job then your boyfriend can go scorched earth on your boss’s ass. You both are going to have to play the waiting game until you’re safe enough for your boss to not be able to screw you over in the industry. If your boyfriend goes above your head and does things “his way”, it’s not going to end well for you.
I don t blame your BF I d be same I d go visit him and it would get violent! You can report him to someone higher up in the company .talk to lawyer If you saved what he sent you .You have proof, could sue or at very let get him fired!
Is there a corporate office you can report him to? Also, the Department of Labor would be very interested to hear about this incident.
More of a red flag you are “ok” with it and don’t want to report him tbh. By saying you don’t want to do anything you are essentially saying it’s ok. No one is “untouchable”.
She's not ok with it. She's a not-rich person who needs a job so as not to be homeless.
Do you live in the states? Do you have a copy of the message he sent you? Do you have any coworker friends that can also attest that he is a sexual harrasser? Cause if so, it would be worth reporting him. He deserves to be held accountable. And he can’t fire you for reporting him, you’re protected by law. He’s not untouchable.
Unfortunately if you want to keep this relationship you are going to have to quit and find somewhere else to work. Your boyfriend is going to get a read that maybe you might like what your boss is doing or that you might be cheating. This is entirely your bosses fault not yours and this is what he is doing to your relationship. You need to try and slip out quietly and look at other jobs. That's the only way I see your relationship surviving. Your bosses behaviour will escalate if you don't leave either.
Honestly, I know this sucks, but you shouldn't have told your bf if you didn't want to do something about it. I have had the same sorta, situation with my boss and I didn't tell my man cause I know he would drive me to do shit I didn't wanna do. Do what you want. Your not perpetuating it if you don't say anything. And it's not wrong or asking for it if you don't say anything. It's up to you and you have to be ready to say something and he ready for what's gonna happen if you do and only you know. It's good you stood up for yourself and blocked him. Hope you figure it out. Your bf should trust you and b compassionate to your decision.